#but I am having a crisis over the fact it's been nearly 9 years since I seen them in person last

[timothytodd]

As the late great VIXX once said

✨️I need therapy, la la la la therapy ✨️

[stuckonvenus]

𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 » Ellie & Becca

 Ｊｕｌｙ ３１ｓｔ， １９９８

The saying goes as such: the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb... or whatever. Honestly I have only ever applied this proverb to my relationship with my sister whenever we weren’t in mortal peril. While I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who I’ve shared battlefields with (i.e. the morning after a party), that never made me any closer to them in a real crisis. I would say about seventy-five percent of the time that the blood is thicker than the water, and the remaining twenty-five percent is when the water isn’t necessarily thicker, but more pressurized. That’s the only time in our lives when we’ve ever come together as sisters.

Well, this is the twenty five percent, and never has the feeling of being sucked and trapped against a fissure at the bottom of the Challenger Deep been more realized than now. It doesn’t help that my bladder is about to implode and leak the citrus-flavored toxic waste I’ve consumed in rapid succession over the past half hour into my visceral fat and contaminate all my vital organs. 

I waddle awkwardly through the narrow doorway of Page One and slam my tiny palm onto the countertop. A bookkeeper who I can recognize as my lab partner from sophomore year chemistry pokes his nose out from the novel he’s immersed in. Moby Dick. Jesus, who reads school assigned books after graduation?

“Hey, Drew-Drew,” I greet him, a lopsided grin fitted on my lips as he brushes his hair out of his eyes and offers me a smile in return. He has a lot more charisma than I remember. I think his eyes have gotten bigger and bluer, too. It reminds me of the water’s surface I’m staring up at from the very bottom of the ocean. “Where’s Becky at?”

Drew dog-ears his page — which is kind of disgusting to me, do they not sell bookmarks in this busted ass joint? — and he points toward the graphic novel section. “Over there, we just got Spider-Man #76, she’s stocking up.”

“... Didn’t #76 come out in January? Of last year?” I ask him. He opens his mouth so he can answer but I stop him with a raised hand. “No time. You’re lookin’ good, Drew-Drew, considerably less like a delicious pepperoni pizza. Keep it up with the Oxy Pads.” I say before pushing away from the counter and venturing off to my destination.

Indeed, my older sister is crouched down and rustling with a display, slightly disgruntled by the symmetry of the copies of Spider-Man she’s stocking. I don’t really have any witty remarks as a smooth enough introduction, so I settle with, “Need help?”

She whips around and I can almost hear the crack in her spinal cord from the velocity. “Lily?” she half-whispers. I forget that I haven’t seen her since late May, and also that I swore I’d never see her again.

“In the flesh,” I confirm and do a curtsey, which threatens my full bladder. I really need to piss soon or else I’ll die a terribly death in the shittiest bookstore on the eastern seaboard. “Do you have a sec? It’s 9-1-1.”

Becca’s expression shifts from awe and minor annoyance to something resembling concern as she pushes herself off her knees. “What is it?” she asks me, crossing her arms over her chest as a last resort defense mechanism. 

I don’t hesitate to hold up the plastic Walgreens bag I’ve carted with me for two blocks. She recognizes the items inside and her eyes go all moony and her jaw slacks a bit. I jerk my brows up expectantly and she assumes the position of utter bewilderment.

“Do you have a place I can empty the biohazardous contents of my bladder? It’s about to necrotize,” I hiss at her. She reaches down, digs in her pocket, unearths a bronze key and walks ahead of me at full speed. I have to waddle after her like a newly hatched penguin chick. It would be more humiliating if over half the population of Eden were literate, but alas...

Becca jams the keys into the lock and just about bodychecks the door so we can enter the rectangular bathroom. It’s cramped and the lighting resembles something out of a Hitchcock film, but who the fuck am I to be picky about where I take the most important whizz of my life?

I place the bag on the counter and take out the three empty full-sized cans of Surge I used to fuel my bladder before picking up the grossest thing I have ever held: a pregnancy test. I keep it in my grasp for a few passing beats, nearly crushing the box underneath my iron-tight grip before man-handling it open and tearing out the plastic stick that will determine my fate.

“This is by far the most unholy fortune telling experience ever,” I decide to joke as I witness my sister cower in the corner. You’d think by the looks of it she were the one whose life was about to change forever. “You think if I shake it a genie will come out and grant me three wishes?”

“... Only if it’s negative, as a gift,” Becca chimes in at last. “Otherwise not even God can save you.”

I let out an involuntary snort, because while my reflexes register this as a funny joke, I am actually scared shitless.

I stare at the porcelain toilet bowl. I feel sicker now looking at it than when I’ve genuinely been at risk for vomiting up my lunch. I could still do that, I’ve been puking like a bulimic for weeks now. The thought is almost comforting. Almost. I bite the bullet instead and yank my pants down, my boy pants, which I normally wear as a boy when I’ve got slightly wider hips and more junk to hide and taller legs to protect with denim fabric. Fuck me.

“I just... Hold it and piss, right?” I ask her, as if she’s gone through this before. I know for a fact she hasn’t, or else this wouldn’t be our first time. I’m surprised it’s our first time, actually, thinking that karma would’ve caught up with me a long time ago. 

“Just don’t get any on your hand.” Becca replies. Very helpful, I think, but rather than respond verbally I give a sigh of defeat and do what needs to be done. When my bladder is emptied an eternity later, I pull up my oversized pants and briefly grieve my dick before I place the test on the counter.

I glance over my shoulder at Becca, “It’s seasoned. Just gotta let it marinate.”

“Gross.” she says with a scrunched up nose.

I turn around and slide down the wall, an action she mimics a couple seconds later. I stare ahead, up at the light that’s screwed into a 70s pendant-shaped fixture, and pass the silence by making them flicker. I do this as a distraction from the materializing tension between us. Normally, this doesn’t happen, but then again our peril has only involved either extreme intoxication, pedos on AOL (during high school), or something about her and Gabriel’s arguments, which felt like walking through Reactor 4 in Chernobyl.

She’s the first one to say something.

“Whose is it? ... If it’s a thing,” she wonders, and as I look over at her I notice that her eyebrows are knitted together and her mouth is fixed downward. “... Please don’t tell me Topher’s.”

I chuckle at the idea. “I think if it were a thing and Topher’s, it’d have grown like a xenomorph baby and ripped itself out of my stomach by now,” I tell her. “I’d deserve that kind of karma for getting knocked up by him.”

“Xenomorph?” she says, and I open my mouth to offer an explanation before she finishes, “Alien. Right.”

“... Yeah, exactly,” I nod along. How in the hell did she remember that? We only ever sat through Alien and Aliens once, and I could’ve sworn she was too preoccupied reading a magazine to actually notice what was happening on screen. 

I also notice that she’s wearing my favorite striped turtleneck. Stone cold bitch.

Some things never change, huh?

Shit, I think I might cry.

This is why we’re siblings, I think, so I can hate her for wearing my favorite turtleneck while sitting by her side as we await Satan’s final decision on the state of my cursed uterus.

Tears prickle my vision but I blink them away. 

“Whose is it, then?” she wonders again. I visibly tense. This is probably where our unspoken, once-in-a-blue-moon loyalties end. How do you tell your sister that her ex-boyfriend is the reason you’re sitting in the dingy bathroom of her workplace with a piss-riddled stick inches away?

In the end, I don’t have to say anything at all. We look at each other simultaneously and she reads my expression with ease. Her features soften and I can see a glint of hurt in her eyes, and I expect ripples of betrayal to make themselves known across the rest of her body soon enough. But those ripples never come. The water I thought was loosening from around me doesn’t make a goddamn move. 

I’m still at the bottom of the Deep, but she’s with me now.

Her hand grips mine. Tight. I can feel our pulses match up in our paralleling wrists.

“I think it’s been enough time.” I say eventually. She doesn’t release my hand. Our shared warmth creates a comfortable friction between us. “... Will you hate me after this?”

Becca squeezes my hand. A heart beat jumps out from her touch to mine. “I think I’ve hated you enough for one summer.”

A smile flickers on the corner of my lips and I slowly depart my hand from hers. My palm is slick with sweat but I don’t mind. I stand up and feel my equilibrium struggle to steady itself before I’m ready to approach the counter. The test is still there, so I know this wasn’t an abstract fever dream I’ve had after discovering so much eerily similar history.

I’m not a fucking coward. I’m looking this shit straight on, no matter what. Do you think I’m afraid of a sign? Totally not. I lean over and stare down, my gaze idling at the base before finally fixating on the panel.

+

Holy shitstickers.

“... Becca?” I call out, my voice half gone from unknown forces. She perks up and I see her reflection in the mirror with widened eyes. “Do you have five bucks? I’m gonna need more Surge.”

[megstudies]

I might be depressed: an essay

I wake up, and the first thing I think is “I can go to bed at 11 o’clock.” It’s 8 now, so that’s twelve hours plus three, 15 hours. I can go to bed in 15 hours. Every day feels the same. The whole world paused last March, and we haven’t picked up again. It feels like everything is happening on 0.5 speed. Ironically, I only watch recorded lectures sped up now. I wonder if I do that because I don’t want to waste time, or because I’m itching for anything that feels like it’s fast. Anything that pushes me to keep up, keep moving. I can go to bed in 15 hours.

Once I’ve established that, I get up. I shower. I toast a bagel. I know a bagel isn’t the best way to start my day, and I feel guilty for it, like I’m failing my body already. But it’s something, it’s energy. I wrestle with my mind, justifying my choice to myself. I eat half the bagel and five raspberries from the container in the fridge. I feel like I need a nap. 14.5 hours. 

I sit down in front of my computer. 9am zoom class with my favourite prof. It’s a small class, only about 10 people, all from the same major. All cameras are off. It doesn’t feel worth it. I have a small burst of energy, anger. It is so hard to feel like this education-- this experience-- is worth the tens of thousands of dollars a year I am paying. I remind myself that I’m not paying for the experience, I’m paying for the privilege and necessity that is a post-secondary degree. The energy I had is replaced by a yawning expanse of apathy. What can I even do about it? If I drop out I’ve wasted endless amounts of time and money to work a minimum wage job for the rest of my life. If I take a year off, I have to start paying back my loans. There’s not a lot of options. Class is over, 12.75 hours left. I open Word and start a paper.

At 2:00pm (9 hours), I have the overwhelming desire to be in bed. I’ve been fighting it all day, but it just doesn’t seem worth it any more, why not be in bed? It’s a nice day out, beautiful even, despite the wind. This fact doesn’t make me want to go outside. Really all it does is make me feel guilty for not enjoying the weather. I sit with my back to the window. 

3:00pm, another lecture. This class has nearly 75 people enrolled. 50 attend the zoom call. 7, including the professor, have their cameras on. I am not one of them. I have facebook open on my laptop, the zoom call minimized. I scroll while I listen to the lecture. The third article is about COVID-19. I close the window. 

741741. “BRAVE”. I text a crisis line. And I feel ridiculous, because it’s not like it’s that bad, right? There are people that have it much worse than I do. And yet, I don’t know where to turn. This pause has gotten inside my bones. Made my own self and my own time feel heavy. It’s so hard to take a deep breath and settle into the moment when it feels like this moment is never going to end.

I heard Matt Haig talking once (I listen to any interview of his I can get my hands on, he makes me feel known, which is oddly comforting for someone who doesn’t like to share), and he said that he was feeling suicidal, not in the way that he wanted to end his life, but in the way that he didn’t really see the point. When the person on the other end of the crisis line asks me if I am safe, I can say “yes” without hesitating. But when they ask if I have had thoughts of suicide that quote pops into my head. No, I don’t want to be dead. But it’s hard to really want to be alive right now. 

I’m sobbing now. Sitting on my bed, tissues beside me, my nose raw. They ask about my support system. I have wonderful friends, I have a mom who loves me no matter what. But I don’t want to go to them with this right now. There is so much guilt in my heart about putting these things, these feelings, these worries on my friends’ plates too. I am so grateful for them, but I want to feel independent sometimes, even when it’s talking to someone outside my circle. I made this choice, I’m doing it for me.

They ask me what I like to do. I remember that I haven’t eaten since the bagel this morning, and I know I have vegetables in the fridge. I tell them I like to cook, and that I like to read. I’ve been reading Jane Fonda’s memoir lately, My Life So Far. I finished Grace & Frankie and wanted something more. These three things: food, my book, and Grace & Frankie. I know they all make me happy, and I can feel it, just a little. It’s a dull prodding in my belly, the feeling that I want more than sitting here. A feeling of responsibility to myself. Or maybe I’m just hungry. 

I get up. I wash my face. I heat up the stove and make a stirfry. While it’s cooking I pour myself a glass of water and read about Jane’s childhood. I think this book is here for me at the right time. 

I don’t feel peaceful, I don’t feel happy. But I feel like maybe if I sleep that tomorrow will be better. I doubt it, but it’s possible. 

I put on Grace & Frankie while I fall asleep. Something to distract me. I smile, these ladies are so talented. I realize that’s the first time I’ve smiled today. It’s 10:50pm. I can go to bed.

Things I Reference:

Crisis Text Line: US/Canada (741741), UK (85258), Ireland (50808)

For More Hotlines Visit https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html

My Life So Far, Jane Fonda

Grace & Frankie on Netflix

Reasons to Stay Alive, Matt Haig

Notes on a Nervous Planet, Matt Haig

“How to Fail with Elizabeth Day” S10, E2, with Matt Haig

[usafricahf]

Solving the Housing Crisis in Africa

Ameet Dhillon

Marketing and Business Development Executive

The continent of Africa has about 1.3 billion people today and many demographers believe it will nearly double to 2.5 billion by 2050. Africa also has the youngest average population with a median age in 2012 of 19.7--the worldwide median age was 30.4. This unparalleled level of growth, coupled with youth, presents many problems such as housing: The African Development Bank estimates there is a deficit of 50.5 million housing units in Sub-Saharan Africa. Every government in Africa recognizes residential housing as a key problem, yet it is hardly being addressed. The problem seems almost intractable, particularly in the so-called “social housing” segment which is often defined as a residence that costs less than $25,000 USD. So what is the problem and is there any way to solve it?

Let’s briefly discuss the various issues that are compounding the housing crisis and then we will get to an innovative approach to solve, or at least lessen this problem. The issues with housing in Africa are numerous, but there are at least four main problems that must be overcome. The first is inconsistent or poor-quality construction due to a lack of international-class training for construction trades such as concrete mixing, roof installation, and final finish. The second is limited economies of scale because house construction is often project managed by the owner or his/her representative. As a result, cost overruns are common, and construction can take years to complete. The third is a lack of trust in real estate developers which is often what leads to the aforementioned second problem. Finally, the fourth and perhaps the biggest problem is financing. Without some sort of reasonable financing, a housing industry simply cannot exist. Imagine for a moment trying to buy your current residence in the US, Europe or indeed anywhere in the world by paying cash at the time of purchase. Would you be able to buy your house under those circumstances? For most people, the answer is no, yet that is the environment that the majority of African homebuyers face today. 

These problems seem almost insurmountable; how do we even begin to address them? Rather than walk the reader through some theoretical exercise on what could be done, I will describe what two innovative companies (full disclosure: I am Managing Director of one of them) are successfully doing right now to prove these problems can be overcome. I don’t claim these companies have fully solved the problem, but they have laid out a clear blueprint in parts of West Africa that anyone else is free to emulate anywhere on the continent. In fact, the principals of both companies are willing to share their formula for success with anyone; just for the asking; no strings attached. Email ameet@usafricahf.com to begin a discussion. 

American Homebuilders of West Africa (AHWA) and US-Africa Housing Finance (USAHF) are both US-registered LLCs that symbiotically work together to build, sell and finance houses in West Africa. The following diagram illustrates the relationship between the two companies.

AHWA markets, builds, and sells houses in West Africa and USAHF provides the financing by purchasing loans originated by AHWA. Private investors provide the capital to USAHF (earning an annual 9%, us-dollar return over the last three years) which begins the virtuous cycle that propels this relationship forward. 

One thing you will notice is the total lack of government help or any kind of philanthropy in this model to date. Both businesses are for-profit (and currently profitable) and have thus far relied 100% on private capital raised in the United States. Having said that, there is an appropriate place for governments, foundations or other quasi-government institutions to get involved to provide much needed catalytic capital to move the respective businesses forward more quickly and efficiently. Since the business model for both companies has been proven; now is the time for large institutions to step up and provide support.

So how did these companies overcome the four problems laid out earlier where others have failed? The first problem of poor construction quality is not conceptually hard to solve given that construction techniques are well understood in the US, Europe, and other developed markets. However, to do it in an environment that is used to accepting poor quality as a "fact of life" requires investing in the local team's development and a great deal of diligence and desire to produce a quality product. Fortunately, the co-founders of AHWA all have that desire and thus construct houses that anyone can be proud to live in. Part of this diligence can be traced back to their experience as peace corps volunteers in Cote d’Ivoire in the 1990s. As an example of their dedication, one of the co-founders of AHWA, Jonathan Halloran, personally trained the local African team in how to build a safer ladder (see photo below), use power tools effectively and organize a logistics depot.

Jonathan's theory is you teach one group how to do it in an international-class way and they will eagerly pass on that knowledge to anyone who will listen. Fortunately, most Africans are eager to listen and learn as they genuinely want to see their country and indeed their continent progress. 

The second problem--limited economies of scale--, and the third--lack of trust in developers--go hand in hand. If there is trust in housing developers, then there is no need for individuals to build their own house and suffer the associated pain and heartache. Ask any member of the African diaspora and they will relate either a personal story or one of some close friends or relatives that involves getting “scammed” while trying to build a house back in Africa. AHWA has gotten over the trust problem the old-fashioned way: They provide a quality product to their customers and “word of mouth” over time has done the rest. AHWA is now a trusted brand in Guinea, West Africa and beginning to develop in neighboring countries such as Sierra Leone, Cote d’Ivoire and Senegal with many more to come.    

The final problem is financing and this is perhaps the most vexing of all. Providing a home loan to a borrower is more complicated than it might seem at first glance. There is the obvious issue of raising the capital to fund the loans (this itself is hard enough when the target market is Africa), but perhaps more difficult is the underwriting process. The lender cannot just provide a loan to anyone; the borrower must be properly vetted via some systematic and repeatable process. This requires getting to know a prospective borrower and assessing the associated risk. To ease this daunting task, initially, USAHF only plans to offer loans to the African diaspora living in OECD countries such as the US, France, Canada, UK, etc. In addition, a 30% down payment is required along with customary verification of income, debt and the like.

One unique aspect of the joint AHWA/USAHF underwriting model is that they allow borrowers to pay monthly into what is effectively an "escrow account" for up to 24 months in order to reach the 30% down payment level. This is not only helpful for the borrower but also provides invaluable data and confidence about the borrower’s ability to pay. If someone has the financial discipline to make a monthly payment for a year or more without even having a house, the likelihood of them defaulting once they actually have the house is very low. In other words, they are an excellent credit risk.

The final piece of the financing puzzle is a well-developed process to handle the inevitable loan default. No matter how good an underwriting process you have, some number of defaults are expected. In fact, many bankers will tell you that if you don’t have any defaults that means you are too strict in your underwriting and should loosen the requirements. Both AHWA and USAHF have an agreed process in place for default and have successfully navigated the process multiple times with minimal impact on either business as well as the borrower. Because of the high demand for AHWA houses, resale has been relatively smooth and as expected prices are rising and this insulates the defaulting borrower from large losses.

In conclusion, both AHWA and USAHF believe they have a profitable, sustainable and replicable model that over time can solve the housing crisis in Africa. However, governments, DFIs, foundations and other similar types of institutions will need to step up and provide catalytic capital to make this promise a reality. To learn more please click on this presentation or email ameet@usafricahf.com or check out the website at www.usafricahf.com. 

Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and does not constitute an offer to sell or a solicitation of an offer to buy securities. Any such offer is made only pursuant to a private placement memorandum.

[allie1804-fan]

A Doorway is Opened (Chapter 2)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 

 It was June 2020 and progress was being made with plans to re-open film production - Keanu would soon be heading back to Germany to continue shooting the Matrix 4.  With the lock-down restrictions on meeting friends lifting, Keanu invited Hannah to dinner at his house. He even cooked - a dish of spaghetti with prawns, fresh tomato and lemon that his sister had taught him.  This would be their first meeting in 2 months and their last in 2 months due to the shooting schedule.  

After dinner, they went through to his living room and sat on the sofa to talk through the latest draft of the script.

 “So, you’re glad I pushed you on this aren’t you? Gave you something to do in lock-down huh?”

 “Yeah OK you win”, she laughed. “I’m grateful to you for giving me the confidence to try”  

 She carried on:

 “You know these past couple of months I’ve felt like the clouds have lifted, the clouds of grief …. and I know that’s partly just time passing but it’s also thanks to you and your friendship” she spoke in an almost whisper.  When she met his gaze he was blushing again!

 “The screenplay gave me a real focus for the first time since Mark died you know other than helping the boys and just putting one foot in front of the other”

 He nodded his understanding

 “I kind of feel like a plant coming back to life after a long dark winter”

 He smiled to think he’d helped her to loosen grief’s grip on her soul.

 “I heard a theory about this before. They said that your grief is always the same, the same size and just as painful but your life grows around it and cushions the pain”

 Keanu nodded his agreement

 “For me” he said, “sometimes my grief bursts forth like an alien from my chest when I least expect it. I hope we find a way to express your concept in the movie when it’s made -  I love it so much. You have some beautiful ways of explaining grief”

 “Well like I said, that one’s not mine, it’s just one I found that really resonated with me”

 “You’re too modest”

 They looked at each other. Somehow, the atmosphere had changed with the sharing of such deep feelings. Keanu looked at her, soft brown eyes holding hers for a few moments longer than felt comfortable. Suddenly he shook his head as if a shiver went through him

 “Where are my manners, would you like some more wine”

 “I better not, I’m driving and I’ve already had one glass” she said.

 “You could always sleep over, in the spare room I mean, I mean I’m not hitting on you or anything, not that I wouldn’t want to, oh God! ……….”

 By this point, Hannah had started laughing at his befuddlement and he started to giggle as well.

 “Sorry for being such a dork – could you stay though?” he beseeched her with his eyes,  or do you need to be back for the kids?, I know I sound like I’m begging, I kind of am I guess ……….. it would just be nice to talk some more ………. I mean what with we me going away for 2 months, Facetime just isn’t the same!”

 Hannah took pity on him and placed her hand on top of his and stroked it softly

 “1 I don’t need to be back for the boys, they’re at their grandparents this week and so 2, yes I could sleep over and 3 yes please, more wine!”

 Keanu beamed and leapt up to fetch the bottle from the kitchen.

“What were we talking about before I started being a total dork?!

 Hannah chuckled “oh grief, death, our usual cheery stuff!”

 “Oh yes, of course we were, what else is there after all?!”

 A ghost of a smiled showed on Hannah’s face.

 “Do you mind telling me some more about Mark? How long were you together”

 “Wow, over 30 years   - we were just kids when we met, literally in elementary school. But we didn’t go out until I was 17, nearly 18. I guess I kind of stalked him until he caved in!  We knew we were in love about a month in I guess and we got engaged whilst at uni but married just after. I was 23 so we had been married 27 years when he died”

 “Wow you were so young to be getting married!”

 “I know right! - when I think Toby is already nearly that age, it freaks me out big time.  Anyway, I guess you almost know the rest, from the book. We were lucky in so many ways to find each other and stay in love throughout.

 A comfortable silence fell as she reflected and wondered about his romantic history. She hoped their current intimacy meant it would be OK to ask.

 “What about you? Who have been your big loves, if it’s OK to ask”

 “Sure – I mean I think I can be confident of not seeing any of this in next week’s National Enquirer! Let me see, errrrm  there was Penny. She drove with me from Toronto to LA when I left there to pursue my career.  It wasn’t exactly serious - she knew how focussed on my acting I was, but she was special, my first steady girlfriend I guess.”

Keanu then told her about a few other steady girlfriends in the 80’s and early 90s. None of them had lasted beyond a year. Film and promotional schedules often overtook his time and took him away from LA making it hard to sustain relationships.

 “And then there was Jennifer. We had a long distance thing largely as I was away filming the first Matrix not long after we hooked up. I think that added in my head to the romance of it all. Writing her letters on my little typewriter after long days on set, posting them from thousands of miles away. Once I got back to LA things felt less sure, she was never confident in us, always needing reassurance and I think she found the celebrity thing both exciting and overwhelming - like she was part way a fan, partly my lover, you know? Then she got pregnant and everything changed”

 “Oh so Jennifer was the mother of your baby, the one who died?”

 Hannah knew this one fact about him but had steered away from looking stuff up on-line about it. She counted him as a friend now so if anything was to be shared, it had to come from him.

 “Yeah, Ava’s mother. 19 years ago…….so much water under the bridge.”

 “Do you think about her often now?”

 “Who? Jen or Ava?”

 “Both I guess”

 “Yeah sometimes. You know in a sliding doors type way, especially at Christmas. That’s when we lost Ava. Christmas Eve 1999. What about you, do you think about your lost babies?”

 “Yes sometime of course …….  but I think it’s different for me. My lost babies paved the way for Josh. If they’d lived, he wouldn’t be here, so I don’t mourn them as maybe you mourn your daughter, do you see? Of course I do think of them and every Christmas we’d hang stars and angels on the tree for them. That’s how we remembered them and the pain of their loss.”

 Hannah was quiet for a few moments, remembering

 “Do you have a way, a ritual to remember Ava? Do you and your family do something to remember her?”

 “I guess they always just try to make sure I’m not alone at Christmas. That’s threatened to happen a couple of times and then Brenda or Janey or Alexandra have stepped in you know to rescue me! Stop me embodying my meme!”

 “Your meme?”

 You know, “Sad Keanu”?

 “That one must have passed me by! I’ll get the boys to explain to their boomer mom!”

 “I’m so glad you’re a boomer mum as you say and not all over it when it comes to press and internet stuff about me. It’s refreshing. Makes me feel I can be me without all that stuff informing who you think I am. Sometimes it gets in the way with new people, you know? I know I can be myself around my old old friends like Alex (he was in Bill and Ted) and Rob (he was in the band with me)

 “Wait you were in a band?”

 “Yes back in the 90s, Dogstar. Our folk thrash punk band”

 “Sounds interesting – I clearly wasn’t paying enough attention back in the 90s!”

 “Well we weren’t exactly topping the charts so that would probably explain it!”

 “Can I hear some of your stuff?”

 “Sure”

 Keanu fetched some cds and had a look through to pick a song, going for  “And I Pray”.

 “Gosh, a man of many talents” she praised “what did you play?”

 “the bass”

 “Cool”

 “wanna listen to some more music? I can hook up my phone to the speakers and we can play things on Spotify”.

 “Sure, so you’re au fait with all the new tech? I took me ages to get there and I still have loads of cds and vinyl”

 “me too   - believe me I’m generally way behind the curve with technology but my god-daughter and my kid sister both played a role in bringing me into the 21st century”

They spent the next couple of hours, huddled on the sofa, scrolling through music choices on his phone and sharing both his and her favourites as well as reminiscing about bands they’d grown up listening to and great concerts they’d been to.

 It was around 1am, with Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” softly playing that Hannah’s head lolled onto Keanu’s shoulder, the impact startling her back awake

 “sorry, sorry” she said embarrassed

 “hey no worries, you wanna go to bed now?” he asked

 “Yeah, as you saw, my eyes are closing” 

 “Come on, let’s get you set up in the guest room, I’ve got a spare t-shirt you can sleep in if you like and there’s a new toothbrush in the en-suite with your room.

 The room was a pretty one, perhaps decorated with his god-daughter in mind she thought. Once he’d shown her where things were and how to work the shower, Keanu bade her goodnight with a light kiss on her cheek. Despite being so tired, it took Hannah a good half hour to fall asleep. She touched the cheek where he’d kissed her and giggled inwardly at herself for feeling like a giddy teenager. In the past 2 months, she’d recognised her growing fondness for Keanu, putting it down to a mix of absence making the heart grow fonder and the Covid crisis making her susceptible. She’d found him very attractive way before she met him but she certainly hadn’t expected that he would reciprocate those nascent feelings. Tonight his lingering gaze as they talked about grief, his befuddlement trying to get her to stay and his soft goodnight kiss all made her wonder and maybe even hope. Tomorrow was another day.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

[umbraja]

2020: Vindication for Losing My Mind in 2016

Have you ever made a prediction that was really a warning but everyone you told just blew you off? They called you paranoid, alarmist, or even crazy. They said it could never happen to us. You’re just over-reacting. It’s not going to change a damn thing. So they went about their normal lives completely oblivious to the absolute disaster you saw coming.

That was me in 2016.

Not in November like a lot of liberals. I went crazy in June. The first ones to dismiss me were the ones that lost it in November. They didn’t think America would elect such a cartoonish bigot. They still had faith left in humanity and didn’t realize just how bad things had already gotten. It only took a few months to prove them wrong. Sadly, a lot of them still missed the point. They found scapegoats and excuses to explain how this anomaly could have happened without taking credit for their part in the deal. Of course they’ve spent the time since doing nothing to fix it.

The people that believed me about the election took longer to prove out. They knew the silent majority was real or at least Clinton was unelectable but they didn’t think Trump would really be that bad. They figured he would be yet another lame duck and maybe send a message to DC that they need to give us better candidates next time. Some of them even voted for him. Some of those still don’t regret it. They’re so wrapped up in their party loyalty and fear mongering conservative narrative that they no longer live in the same world as liberals do.

I am not surprised.

2016 was unprecedented but it wasn’t unpredictable. It was actually inevitable. The logical progression of centuries of elitist politicians all fighting for the rich man’s favor while leaving the people behind. Then the Cold War came along and turned the people against each other creating a polarized climate of us vs them that crippled America’s ability to support social programs while also draining our resources on hapless foreign wars. The 80’s brought us Law and Order politics which allowed racists to criminalize parts of minority culture, exacerbating the already vicious cycle of generational poverty. The 90s saw globalization and automation reduce American jobs which widened the wealth gap and gave racists an excuse to blame immigrants for it. 9/11 scared America into giving up personal freedoms and militarizing the police for a War on Terror which galvanized conservatives under God and Guns while liberals struggled to agree on a direction, let alone a catchy slogan. 2008 gave us a black president and liberals called anyone who criticised him a racist which incensed conservatives into creating a movement of aggressive anti-intellectual propaganda using social media echo chambers to oppose the “liberal bias” of mainstream media. Around the same time the Great Recession of 08 exposed government and corporate corruption that had been eroding the middle class for decades and turned the people against the establishment. So the silent majority elected enough Republicans for Congress in 2012 and 2014 to give them their largest lead since the Great Depression. By 2016 the Republican party had already been taken over by alt-right extremists but Democrats were too out of touch to see them as a credible threat.

It’s no wonder that a narcissistic conman like Trump would take advantage of all this to make himself the most powerful man in the world. Nor is it surprising that foreign powers would use the existing chaos to further divide this nation. Or that bigots would scare reasonable people into supporting their oppressive agendas. History is full of things like this. In America and all over the world, from beginning to end, history repeats itself. History also tells us that you can only sit on a powder keg for so long before someone lights the fuse.

Now it’s 2020 and the world is on fire.

Pretty much everything I was afraid would happen as a result of 2016 has. I tried to warn people about it but no one listened. I lost friends and haven’t seriously spoken to much of my family for years because they refuse to pull their heads out of their echo chambers and listen to reason. Yet I am considered the crazy one. I am the one that had a mental breakdown in 2016. I am the one with depression and anxiety and PTSD. I am the one who saw it coming and had to watch as they waved torches around the bomb.

They said it couldn’t happen but the last four years have seen nearly all my predictions come true:

Racist policies became norm, embolden racists to open bigotry

Mass shootings and domestic terrorism are on the rise

Trump abused the office for personal gain in so many ways

Environmental regulations rolled back, climate change denied

Financial regulations returned to what caused Great Recession

Democrats forgot to listen to the American people - again

Republicans pardoned Trump for everything regardless of facts

Fact and Truth have lost all meaning to “fake news”

Trump's conspiracy theories and lies further divided America

Trump protected his cronies and “fired” anyone that disagrees

Trump appointed two Supreme Court Justices, turn conservative

States proposed abortion bans that make it a capital crime

Tax cuts for the rich did not help the average American

The federal deficit has soared to new heights

American tax dollars were wasted on a big, dumb wall

Immigration policies separate families in camps, children die

Trump’s love of dictators let foreign powers manipulate him

Trump played hardball with Iran and nearly started WWIII

America first policy alienate allies, abdicate global power

China stepped in to the fill the power vacuum left by America

China has reduced human rights enforcement around the world

Trump levied tariffs on foreign goods that hurt the economy

Trump started an unwinnable trade war with China

China used this trade war to gain political allies

Trump yells about China for wrong reasons, hides real threat

Democrats didn’t learn, are running an establishment candidate

Racial and political tensions increased enough to cause riots

Federal officers were sent in to silence peaceful protestors

Political dissidents are being targeted by law enforcement

Trump followed the Fascist Playbook, emulated 1939 Germany

Trump put his own vanity above the safety of American people

Trump unable to handle crisis, thousands of Americans died

The only two things I predicted that haven’t happened yet are: Trump causes a war and Trump doesn’t give up power at the end. The year’s not over yet. We’re sitting on a radioactive powderkeg and the politicians are playing with matches. I’ve been predicting the fall of ‘Murcia for over a decade now but 2016 made me realize it might happen sooner than I thought.

It might happen in 2020

I really hope I’m wrong this time.

[captainmeowvelwrites]

You Times Two (Ch.4)

Pairing: Marinette/Ladybug | Adrien/Chat Noir Words: 4208 Summary: Ladybug knew this was necessary. She was the Guardian. He had the Cat Miraculous. But when his suit evaporated in a glow of pale green, she sure hadn’t expected him to have something far more precious: her heart. Cross-posted: AO3 and FFN

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | ...

Recap: Previously, on You Times Two… To the dismay of everyone here, Mari’s Multimouse shenanigans mostly fooled our precious bean. But praise be, at least he and Kagami aren’t official. Not to him. Not yet. After a cheeky eavesdrop on our two favourite kitties, Clumsy Girl fears Sunshine Boy’s onto her. And of course, of all the times Papagreste could let his son have a social life, he does so in the midst of our girl’s existential crisis. Will Hotstuff stay single? And will Marimoo do something silly with her newfound suspicions? Read forth to find out!

---

Chapter Four

Marinette collapsed into her hot pink office chair, heaving a sigh. "What a day, Tikki." Using her feet, she launched herself toward her desk, the wheels of her chair whirring on the wooden floor. "Maybe I really wasn't exaggerating when I called this the apocalypse." She slammed her head against the desk, a stray pencil wobbling near her ear.

"Don't be silly, Marinette," said Tikki, hovering over her shoulder. "You've been through trickier situations than this before."

Marinette held up a finger. "I called him Chadrien," she garbled, her cheek squished against the desk. "As Marinette and Ladybug."

"Well," Tikki drawled, "things could always be worse."

Marinette groaned, peeling her cheek from the white wood. "But you heard him, Tikki. He suspects I'm Ladybug." She buried her face in her hands, peeking through her fingers to pout at her kwami. "I can't risk him knowing who I am before I even know if he should!"

Tikki tilted her head. "So, what are you going to do?"

Marinette's hands dropped from her face to reveal hardened eyes, now shining with purpose. "I'm going to keep our interactions to a minimum," she said, slicing a decisive hand through the air.

Tikki blinked at her owner like she'd sprouted antennae. "How do you plan to do that? You see him every day at school. He sits in front of you in class. He'll be at Alya's tomorrow. And let's not forget, he's Chat Noir!"

Marinette giggled. "I don't plan to avoid him as Chat Noir, silly. I know that's impossible." Her eyes wandered toward the ceiling as she placed a pensive finger to her lips. "But avoiding Adrien… surely I can manage that for a while?"

A smirk crept across Tikki's lips. "How long is a while?"

"Tikki!" Marinette cried, snorting back laughter as she tickled her kwami's belly. "Not for two seconds, if that's what you're thinking." Laughter continued to line her words. "Just until this whole Marinette might be Ladybug thing blows over, however long that is." She pushed off the desk and slumped into her chair, lips pursed. "Maybe I need to throw him a bone? Or should I say catnip?"

Expecting her kwami to giggle, she was surprised to instead find a worried frown on Tikki's face.

"You know, Marinette, I don't think avoiding Adrien will be as easy as you think."

Marinette slapped the air with a dismissive hand. "Come on, Tikki. How hard can it be to avoid the busiest boy in school?"

Three knocks bounced off the hatch in her floor. "Marinette?"

The girl in question nearly fell off her chair.

"It's Adrien." His voice was muffled through the wood. "Are you in there?"

Marinette flew from the chair so fast she sent it spinning. "Adrien," she squeaked, arms whipping in front of her as if to shield herself from an incoming train. "What are you – Uhh – Hi! I mean, what?" She slapped her forehead. "I mean, err… just a sec!" She pried her side bag open, watched as Tikki zipped inside it, and snapped it shut in an instant. Her steps were fast and heavy as she hurried to the hatch, almost tripping on the edge of a round rug.

Lurching the hatch in the floor aside, she found a pair of green eyes smiling up at her. "Hey Marinette!" He briefly let go of the stair railing to wave at her, drawing attention to a paper bag that crumpled as it swayed from his left arm. She glimpsed a golden emblem upon it and knew it was from the Dupain-Cheng Bakery.

He looked uncomfortable, hunched on the stairs to her room and unable to reach his full height. And yet he continued to smile as she gaped like a weirdo.

Finally, a giggle hiccupped in her throat. "Adrien, hi." She mirrored his wave with a little too much vigour. "Fancy seeing you here. In my house. As opposed to, uhh… school."

Adrien peered up at her from through his bangs, which remained a ruffled mess from this morning.

To her, they were like a giant neon sign on his head that read "I AM CHAT NOIR".

The sight of them had eased her a few times today.

Now, not so much.

"Sorry…" He rubbed at his neck, his cheery smile shrivelling into something more reserved. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" His eyes travelled over her shoulder, as though searching for someone. "I thought I heard talking and I—"

"Talking? Like, with another person?" Marinette shot ramrod straight. "What? Notally! I mean totally. I mean no, you totally weren't hearing that. I was just, uhh…" She managed her best take on Tikki's high-pitched voice, and sounded more like a pre-schooler with a really bad cough. "I was just talking… to… myself." She quickly gave up on her imitation of Tikki. It was already itching her throat, not to mention Adrien was blinking at her as though she had three eyes. "Yeah, so I was just… conversing… with myself. Y'know, like I said I do this morning. Some of the time. Not, y'know… all the time."

"Uhh… Okay then?" Adrien showed a smile, despite the confusion that riddled every inch of his face. "Well, in that case, I—"

"Oh, how silly of me!" Marinette held a hand out to him. "Come on up!"

His eyes twinkled, first at her and then at her hand, which he reached for willingly.

But something caught her eye.

And surprisingly, that thing wasn't the many photos of Adrien that had once littered her walls. She'd taken those down a few weeks ago, save for a couple on the corkboard above her bed, which were spritzed amid pictures of her other friends.

Ahead of her sat the trunk that housed Adrien's birthday presents (now for the next forty-eight years). And upon that trunk was Master Fu's phonograph.

Terror tainted her face. What if he recognised it?

Before he could accept her hand, she slapped it to her chest. "Actually, no. My room's a mess. It's super embarrassing." She ducked through the hatch and gripped his shoulders, coaxing him down the stairs. "Let's talk somewhere tidier."

Wait.

Had Adrien even been to Master Fu's?

She didn't think so.

Marinette ripped her hands from his shoulders, instead grabbing his wrist. "I mean, uhh. It's not that messy. Come on up." She took two steps toward her room, before screeching to a halt.

What if he had been to Master Fu's and she just didn't know?

"That'd be a disaster," she breathed.

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that?"

She bolted upright. "Uhh… My room. It's a total disaster. Let's talk downstairs!" Her hand remained around his wrist and before he could even open his mouth, she was all but dragging him to the foot of the stairs. She didn't miss the line that had etched between his brows.

In fact, it had her biting back a groan.

Maybe she should write a book: How To Look Stupid In One Minute Or Less.

What genre would it be? A comedy? A horror? Maybe a tragedy?

She couldn't decide.

All she knew is it wouldn't be a self-help book.

"So, umm…" Marinette tapped her pointer fingers together, her lips wiggling in thought. "What are you doing there? I mean here. In my house." Her shoulders seized. "Which I totally mind, by the way. I – I mean, which I totally don't mind." She faked a long yawn. "Sorry, I'm being a freak—I mean, it's… uhh… been a long week. Yeah, that's what I meant."

Adrien held up a hand and smiled. "It's okay, Marinette. I know you didn't sleep well last night." He slid a familiar pink bag from his back and she barely resisted the urge to smack her head against the nearby bookcase. "That's probably why you left this in class. I was stopping by the bakery anyway, so I thought I'd return it." He held the bag out to her, still wearing that warm-hearted smile of his, and she accepted it with rigid movements.

"Th – Thank you, Adrien." She pulled it over one shoulder and peered up at him, a blush grazing her cheeks. "That's very curious—I mean sweet of you."

And it was.

But why not just leave it with her parents?

Surely that would've been way easier than delivering it to her in person.

Marinette sucked in a breath. What if he was trying to figure out if she was, in fact, Ladybug?

That would involve being around her more. And annoyingly, it also happened to sabotage her own plans to avoid him.

Suspecting she was Ladybug due to her word vomit was one thing. Didn't he know better than to actively seek out her identity?

She hoped so.

Maybe she was just reading into this too much.

Adrien had always been thoughtful. This might've just been one of those times.

"Oh, it was nothing," he insisted, tearing her from those thoughts. "You've done far more for me since we met." Remembrance lit up his eyes like the flick of a switch, and he glanced at the paper bag around his wrist. "That reminds me." He strode over to the kitchen, set the bag on the counter and dipped his hand inside. "Your father mentioned his pear and pineapple cheesecake is a favourite of yours. And if your designs are anything to go by, you have really great taste." He pulled out a small carton that brandished the same golden emblem as the bag. "So, I thought you might like a slice."

"Adrien, I…" She gaped, first at him, then at the carton. "You – You didn't have to! Thank you." They exchanged smiles as she accepted the carton, and placed it on the nearby counter.

"Again, it's nothing." Adrien waved his hands out before him, as if to emphasise his point. "Honestly, I was there to get something for another friend anyway." He glanced at the paper bag, now containing two neatly stacked cartons rather than three. "But it looked so delicious, I just had to get myself a slice. And there was only one left after that, so… I thought it might make a nice start to your weekend."

Marinette felt resistance as she swallowed, her throat closing. The other slice of cake must've been for Kagami.

"That's—" Her voice cracked and she hoped he hadn't noticed. "That's, umm, really thoughtful of you." Her eyes sunk to the counter as she smoothed her hand across it, its surface cool against her palm. "I, um – I hope Papa didn't make you pay for my piece."

He gave a half-smile. "Worse! He insisted I have it for free."

She giggled. "Yup. That sounds like Papa."

Adrien set his hand flat against the counter, as though mirroring her stance. "In the end, he settled for giving me a discount."

When he leaned in close and revealed a sly smirk, her first thought was that it should've come with a warning. Chat Noir had done this a million times, but Adrien? Only once that she could recall – after Troublemaker – when he'd leaned into her personal bubble and teasingly accused her of lying about why his face was all over her room. In hindsight, that had been a very Chat thing to do.

Again, how had she been so blind?

Adrien’s voice snapped her back to the present. "Don't tell your father," he whispered behind his hand, "but I may have slipped a few notes in the tip jar when he wasn't looking."

Before she could stop herself, Marinette snorted with amusement. "I won't tell him," she said, a twinkle in her eyes, "but only because you're bribing me with cake."

"You're too kind," he actually teased—and for a second, she stopped breathing. Heck, she even snuck a glance at her arm, just to make sure she wasn't transformed. When had this become an exchange not unlike the ones shared by their alter egos?

Adrien fished his sleek smartphone from his school bag and spared it a glance. "Well, I should probably get going. I've got fencing in less than half an hour."

"Sure," said Marinette, watching as he plucked the paper bag from the counter. "I'll see you out then." She led him to the front door, opening it to reveal the dimly lit stairwell beyond. "Thanks again for bringing my backpack, Adrien. And thanks for the cake. You really didn't have to."

Adrien held up a hand. "At the risk of sounding like a broken record player, it really is nothing." He tugged the strap of his bag a little higher on his shoulder. "And I hope you enjoy the cake. It was made by the best baker in Paris"—he winked—"so that shouldn't be hard."

Marinette giggled. "I'll pass your compliments onto the chef." She glanced at the paper bag on his arm, and drooped as she eyed the two cartons within it. "Well, you'd better not keep Kagami waiting." In that moment, she was reminded of the lacklustre way she'd reacted to his new girlfriend joining them tomorrow for video games. "Uh – Actually, I – umm – I just wanted to berate—congratulate you on, well… you and Kagami." As her grip on the front door tightened, she could only hope her smile seemed sincere. "You guys… You make a cute couple."

"Oh, I – Thank you, Marinette." His eyes dropped to his feet, but not before she caught sight of the thought that hazed their depths. She recognised that look; Chat had worn it just last night, when gathering his words.

Marinette remained silent, as Ladybug had, and allowed him some time to think.

Only a few seconds ticked by, both of them still and quiet in the doorway. "Hey… err…" His eyes inched up to meet hers. "Remember the advice you gave me about Kagami?"

Marinette stiffened. "I – Uh. About the ice rink? Yeah. I remember." She laughed, but there was no real joy to the sound. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," Adrien drawled, pink painting his ears, "I was kind of hoping you could give me some more advice about her… if that's all right?"

At this point, she was stiffer than the mannequin that lived in her bedroom. She hoped and hoped and hoped he wasn't wanting her to tag along on another date. She was all for helping him out, but in hindsight, that trip to the ice rink had been agony—and that was before she knew he was the cat who'd been incessantly asking her out for over a year.

"I... uhh..." Her voice sounded as though it'd been shoved through a strainer. "Sure. Um. Go away. I mean, fire ahead. No – uh – go ahead." If he hadn't been right there, she would've smacked her forehead for sure.

Adrien pressed his hands together, his eyes sinking down and to his right. "Well, you see"—he looked back at her—"despite what the media are saying, Kagami and I aren't actually official yet."

Shock flashed across Marinette's face. "Really?" She shot straight. "I – I mean, uhh… carry on."

"The thing is… Kagami thinks we are official, but I'm, well…" He looked back at the ground, his bangs falling across his eyes to frame his steadily flushing cheeks. "Promise you won't laugh?"

Marinette smiled. "Of course not."

Adrien peered up from the ground. "Honestly, I'm kind of a hopeless romantic." She bit back the urge to burst out 'same'. "So… I've always imagined getting a girlfriend would go a lot differently than this."

She bit her lower lip, as thoughts of a black cat on a Parisian rooftop affronted her mind. "You mean things like"—she practically squeaked her next words—"love poems and roses and candlelit dinners?"

His eyes shot wide. "I – Yes. Yes, exactly like that, actually." His brows gathered, light fading from his eyes—and her insides twisted at the sight.

Was he thinking back to that rooftop dinner date he’d put together?

Of all the times Ladybug had rejected him?

All the times she’d rejected him?

"Anyway," Adrien said, that light re-sparking in his eyes, though a little dimmer than before, "I guess the thing I want to ask you is, well…" He bit his bottom lip, something that shouldn't have been so darn cute given the circumstances. "If you were Kagami, what would you want me to do? Should I tell her what I've just told you? Or should I just… I don't know… go with the idea that we are official?"

Her heart hammered in her ribcage, so hard its every beat seemed to pop her eardrums. Maybe her luck really had run dry back on the Eiffel Tower. It had only been a matter of time, right?

"You can't tell her," she finally said, only to backtrack. "I mean, you should tell her. I – I mean…" She stopped to draw in a breath, taking a moment to reclaim her composure.

Right now, Adrien deserved the guidance of a friend—and he'd chosen her. Even if her heart was coming undone at the seams, she’d never let her kitty down—and she refused to start now.

"If I thought we were already together, I'd still love it if you asked me properly." Her words flowed with a surprising level of ease. "Maybe you could even ask her during that candlelit dinner. And even better, you'd get what you were hoping for from the beginning and you'd clear things up all at once."

Adrien had hung from her every word, his face steadily brightening with each syllable that left her lips. "You're right," he said, purpose filling his voice. "Thanks, Marinette! You're always the girl with a plan."

Marinette threaded her fingers in front of her, a shy smile lining her lips. "Yup, that's me." Her smile twitched. "Oh and I hope Kagami destroys—err, enjoys the cake!"

Adrien rubbed the nape of his neck. "Actually, it's for someone else." He gripped his chin, guilt straining his next words. "But now that you mention it, maybe I should've gotten a piece for her too."

"Oh. Well, umm—" She scoured her brain for a solution. "Why don't you just… uhh, give her mine?"

He shook his head. "No need, Marinette. It was meant for you." Smiling, he held up the paper bag around his arm. "I'll just give her mine. Problem solved."

Her eyes went round. "But you have to try Papa's pear and pineapple cake, Adrien. It's delicious!" Tenacity transformed her face. "Come with me." It was a statement, not a suggestion—and before he could protest, she'd grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the kitchen.

"Marinette, you don't need to—"

"Yes, I do." She plucked a small plate from a nearby cupboard and a knife from a drawer. "There is no way I'm letting you leave without your own slice of Papa's cheesecake."

Marinette sliced a sliver from her cake and shifted it to her plate. The larger piece, of course, stayed in the carton, while the plated piece was stowed in the fridge. She soon faced him, the carton gripped within two pale hands; it nearly slipped through her fingers when she saw his smile—so light, so familiar, so full of fondness. When being stubborn, Ladybug often found herself on the receiving end of it.

It was such a Chat Noir smile.

And in that moment, she realised it was such an Adrien smile too.

"Thank you, Marinette." That smile didn't once waver as he placed the carton in the paper bag, atop the two others. "You didn't have to trouble yourself like that."

"Hey, it was a piece of cake." Marinette immediately knew what she'd unleashed and quite frankly, she didn't care.

Awe filled his face. "Was that a pun I just heard?"

She held a hand to her lips, hiding the way they quirked up at the corners. "Mhm. And a pretty sweet one, if I do say so myself."

"Puns and baked goods. Isn't this just the icing on the cake?"

"I guess today you get to have your cake and eat it too."

Adrien laughed, loud and hearty. It was a laugh she rarely heard, and cliché as it may be, that sound was like an entire symphony to her ears. "Wow, Marinette," he said, a grin bright on his face. "I never realised you were so punny!"

She shrugged. "Well, there are a lot of things you don't know about me." The phrase came innocently enough, but the moment it sunk in, a strangled croak crept up her throat. "That is, err… things like, what I ate for breakfast this morning or – um – what my favourite kind of potato is and – uh – my second favourite colour. Yeah, things like that. Y'know?"

A chuckle shook his shoulders. "Well, there are a lot of things you don't know about me either,” he said, a spark in his eyes—it was snuffed within a second. "Err – By that I of course mean…. uh… things like my least favourite food or my… favourite flavour of macaron."

"Hey, isn't it pass—" Marinette slapped a hand to her lips, heat rising to her cheeks. "Uhh… Past the time you wanted to leave by?"

Recollection flared in his eyes. "Oh – Right! Thanks for reminding me." He glanced at the time on the nearby microwave and sucked air in through his teeth. "Okay, I definitely need to get going." He rushed from the kitchen to the entrance, his right hand gripping the shoulder strap of his bag as his left reached for the bronze doorknob.

Marinette beat him to it, pulling the door aside with a smile he returned without hesitation.

"By the way," he said, just as he stepped into the stairwell, "whenever you've got any puns in the oven, feel free to throw them my way."

"I'll keep you roasted."

He slipped her a side glance, his smile crossing into smirk territory. "Oh and don't think I didn't notice you gave me the bigger slice."

Her lips seemed to move of their own accord. "I'm sorry. Can Mr Teen Model not handle all the calories?"

For a moment, he seemed incapable of forming words, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. And then he simply beamed at her. "See you tomorrow, Marinette."

She nodded, her eyes gleaming. "Enjoy your cake!"

"I'm sure I'll enjoy every single calorie of it." And with another of his classic winks, Adrien left.

Only when Tikki spoke up, peeking out of her side bag, did Marinette realise he was long gone and she was still holding the front door wide open, a goofy smile across her lips.

"I thought you were planning to avoid Adrien."

Marinette could almost hear her kwami's unspoken 'not flirt with him'. She slapped the air, a pained laugh prying her lips apart. "Pffft. Ha! No. Don't be silly, Tikki. I was just—"

"Keeping his calorie intake in check?" Tikki said, fluttering her eyelashes dramatically.

"I – I didn't look like that!" Marinette shoved the door shut, a pout on her lips. "I – I was – He was—" Unleashing a groan, she slumped against the door and sunk to the ground, the wooden floorboards cold against her bare calves. "He was acting like Chat Noir and… I don't know… the Ladybug in me just… just took over."

"Uh huh," Tikki drawled, mirth thick in her voice. "So, you're still going to Alya's tomorrow?"

"Of course!" Marinette said, throwing her hands out for emphasis. "I already said yes to her days ago. And it's not like I expected Adrien's dad to say the same to him. He never lets him hang out with his friends!" She chewed at her bottom lip, thoughts of tomorrow dragging her down from her Adrien-induced stupor.

Tikki floated out of her side bag and hovered at eye level. "Well, you have a joint patrol tonight. At least you can get some more practice at acting normal around him." There was a glint in Tikki's eyes and a cheeky smirk on her lips. "Though by your flirting just now, I'd say you're already well on your way."

Groaning, Marinette hid her face behind a hand. "I'm pretty sure talking to Adrien like that is not normal."

"You're right." Tikki's smirk stretched as she zipped closer to her owner. "But talking to Chat Noir like that is."

"Tikki!" Marinette shrieked, leaping to her feet. "He has a girlfriend! Well… a not-girlfriend. Or a… might-as-well-be-girlfriend. I… You know what I mean. And besides, I'm kind of… I dunno… sort of seeing Luka?"

"I know, I know." Tikki giggled as she floated onto her chosen's shoulder. "I'm just teasing."

A small smile soon painted Marinette's lips as she tickled Tikki's belly. "What am I going to do with you?"

Tikki giggled in her ear, remaining on Marinette's shoulder as she scaled the stairs to her bedroom. Her latest encounter with Adrien raced through her mind, bringing with it a thought she'd previously dismissed. "My reaction last night as Ladybug must've really freaked him out if he's bringing cheesecake to patrol." The light of clarity brightened her eyes and she snapped her fingers triumphantly. "But that gives me an idea."

[kaffeinic]

Caffeinic | Bang Chan

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | Epilogue

Pairing: Reader x Barista!Bang Chan

Genre: Fluff // Romance

Warnings: Fem!Reader // Mildly Adult Language

Preamble: You’ve been going to the same coffee shop for the past four years. You’ve ordered the same thing almost every single day, and you never, ever skip on that part of your morning. So, when Mrs. Park hired a new barista and the once serene café was suddenly flooded with people every second of the day, you were less than thrilled.

The night had finally passed, completely uneventful. The next morning, you found yourself slipping into a black button-up, black ripped jeans, and Doc Martins. Before exiting your apartment, you slipped on a black trenchcoat, grabbing your bag and running a hand through your hair. The cold December air bit your nose, causing you to sneeze. You rubbed it cautiously, praying that it wouldn’t start leaking.

The day at university passed agonizingly slowly, and you found yourself restless in your seat by the last class. You felt a tap on your shoulder.

“Hey~!” Junseok said. “How’s it going?” He asked. You smiled. You’ve both grown much closer since the failed date with Chan. He helped you get through it by remaining peachy lol throughout the process. You couldn’t help but wonder why he would still help, even after you chose Chan over him.

“I’m alright. I have a lot floating through my mind at the moment. What about you?” You asked. He frowned.

“When are you going to tell me what was bothering you?” He questioned. “If you want my help, I need to know.” He said. You hung your head and nodded.

“I’ll tell you after class.” You promised. He smiled and hummed in understanding. The professor lectured the class for another half hour before giving you all the details of your assignment. You scribbled down the information and closed your notebook, slipping out of the classroom quietly. Junseok quickly caught up with you.

“So?” He said. You sighed, feeling bad for complaining to him about what happened with Chan after what had happened between the two of you.

“Chan and I were going on a date. Seoyeon showed up.” You began. His face twisted into a grimace when you mentioned Seoyeon. He nodded, waiting for you to continue. He must not be on good terms with her, either. “She told me that Chan had been kissing other people at the party. He had told me he wasn’t going to date or do anything along those lines long before that party.” You said. Junseok began to laugh. You wore a horrified expression. “Are you laughing at me?” You asked. He composed himself, then shook his head.

“No. Meet me at the café in an hour and a half.” He said. You cocked an eyebrow.

“What does this have to do with anything?” You asked. He smiled.

“Just trust me. Have I done anything wrong to you before?” He questioned. You shook your head. He had been nothing but kind to you from the moment you both first spoke.

“Okay. I’ll see you then.” You said. After departing, you went to the library, which was a five minute walk from the café. Typically, you would have just waited inside the coffee house, but you didn’t want to have to face Chan any earlier than necessary. After spending nearly all of your time reading a fantasy book with a title you couldn’t pronounce, you left the library and walked a block and a half to the café. The tinted doors revealed very little about what was going on inside. You crossed your fingers, hoping to avoid a crisis.

“Junseok better have a good reason for this...” You muttered, entering the building. The bell chimed, and your nostrils were flooded with the amazing scent of espresso. You hummed, closing your eyes for a moment before closing the door. You made an audible ‘ah’ sound as you spotted the source of the aroma. A steaming cup of espresso sat idly on the bar counter next to Mrs. Park, who waved enthusiastically.

“Y/n! How are you, honey?” She asked. You smiled, walking over and sitting in your usual bar stool.

“I’m alright. You?” You asked. She hummed.

“I’m doing very well. We’ve been busy. Chan has been a big help.” She said. You watched as her glance found yours when she said Chan’s name. She clearly wasn’t over what had happened. You looked at your hands, which were resting in your lap, twiddling your thumbs. It was then that you heard the bell ring again, Junseok appearing in the doorway. There were two people behind him, but you couldn’t quite see who it was. He telling them to come inside. A girl walked in, waving to you. You hesitantly waved back, peering around the edge of the doorframe. A man was standing outside, apparently refusing to come in.

“Come on, this will help - I promise.” Junseok said the the mystery man. You saw a silhouette shake its head. Junseok grabbed the man’s arm, pulling him into view. It was Chan. His hair was in crazy, disheveled curls per usual, and his gaze found yours instantly. You looked at Junseok with a scowl that closely resembled Chan’s.

The three of them made their way to you, Chan trailing behind. He shoved his hands in his pockets, hiding his face. He wasn’t mad, as far as you could tell. He was just very uncomfortable. You fully understood why. He donned a plain white tee, blue jeans, and a pair of boots. A sweater was hanging over his right forearm, the soft blue colour catching your eye.

“Y/n, meet Eunji. Eunji, meet Y/n.” Eunji held out her hand hesitantly, and you shook it with a smile.

“It’s nice to meet you.” You said. She seemed immediately more relaxed when you spoke with a soft tone.

“You, too.” She said.

“Eunji has something she wants to tell you.” Junseok said. You raised a brow and looked at the girl. She nearly hid her entire face in her hair, looking away.

“Junseok told me about what happened with you and Chan.” She said. “Did he never tell you what happened?”

You looked down. “I didn’t listen when I first was told about it. He explained the last time we spoke, but he has no proof.” You said. Eunji nodded.

“At the party, - it was my first one - I was playing a game with some friends from university. It was a tweaked version of Truth or Dare.” She said. “All of us were drunk, - not Chan, he was just watching - and I was dared to kiss the hottest guy in the room.” She looked at the floor. “It was me, not Chan. I walked up and kissed him, and he pulled away really quickly.” She explained. “You can ask Junseok, too. He was watching us with Chan. They’re really good friends.” She said. “I’m so sorry for this.”

You stood up and walked closer to her. “I’m not mad at you. You didn’t know.” You said. She looked up, a small smile gracing her face. “Thank you for telling me, really. This changes everything.” Chan’s head raised and turned in your direction, eyes hopeful. Junseok smiled, walking to you. He enveloped you in a big hug, laughing.

“Treat him well. He’s head over heels for you.” He whispered in your ear. You wrapped your arms around him, too. He gave you a squeeze before pulling away, motioning for Eunji to exit with him. You bowed to her and smiled, thanking her again. Now it was just you and Chan in the café, completely ignoring the busy atmosphere around you. You moved closer to him, smiling slightly.

“You were telling the truth.” You said. “I’m sorry for doubting you.” Chan’s face lit up like a Christmas tree.

“I think anyone would have.” He said. “Are... we good now?” He stuttered over his last sentence, looking directly into your eyes. You giggled and nodded.

“We’re more than good.” You said. He laughed and closed the gap between the two of you, wrapping his arms around your body. He hugged you tightly - so tightly, in fact, that you couldn’t even wrap your arms around him. He chuckled as you grunted with effort. He loosened his grip and pulled away slightly, looking at you with loving eyes.

“I missed you, Babygirl.” He said. You smiled gleefully.

“I missed you, too.” You replied. He grabbed your hands and led you around the corner, just out of the line of sight of the customers in the café. He put his hand on your cheek.

“Now, since you were so bent out of shape about a illegitimate kiss, can I have a real one?” He asked. You looked down, giggling at his cheeky attitude. Nodding, you felt his other hand tilt your chin upwards. He leaned down and softly brushed his lips against yours, smiling into the kiss. You rolled your eyes.

“I thought you said you wanted a real kiss.” You said. Chan smirked at your comment, moving closer so that your body was sandwiched between his and the wall. You could feel his chest move as he exhaled and inhaled, clasping the sides of his shirt in your hands. You felt his solid body beneath the fabric as his nose brushed against yours. He closed the gap, this time kissing you deeper. He wasn’t rough, but the kiss wasn’t as ghostly soft as it had been the first time. Your heart jumped when his fingers grazed your neck. You sighed into the kiss, which was significantly longer than the previous one. When he pulled away, you let out a small whine, inducing a deep laugh to erupt from him.

“I’d kiss you more, but it’s poor work etiquette.” He said. You rolled your eyes.

“Aren’t you off the clock?”

“Yeah, but I’m sure you would never forget it if someone caught us kissing in the hall.” He informed, touching his nose against yours. You giggled again, placing a hand on his right cheek, to which he smiled, a small dimple gracing the other. He moved sideways to give you a peck as he pulled away. His hands stayed wrapped around yours, rubbing circles.

“I really am sorry for not believing you, Channie.” You said. He released his grip on one of your hands, touching your face so as to make you look at him.

“Don’t ever be sorry for that. You had every reason to think what you did.” He said. You smiled, and he rubbed his thumb over the lifted edge of your lips. “We have a lot to catch up on.” He said.

“What do you mean?” You asked. He frowned.

“I know where your phone is.” He said. You raised a brow.

“Where?”

“Seoyeon has it.” Your eyes widened.

“When did you find out?” You asked.

“This morning. When it had first gone missing, I let a friend of mine know. He works at the service company. I asked if he could be on the lookout for pings or anything that could tell us where it was.” Chan explained.

“How do you know Seoyeon has it?” You raised a brow.

“She clears out an entire section of the gym twice a week. It pinged there twice, and only on the days that she would be there.” He said. Your head hung as you rubbed the back of your neck.

“I should have known she was part of this.” You said.

“How about we go get your phone back?” He asked, grinning.

“You’re way too excited about this.” You said. He laughed.

“An opportunity to put Seoyeon in her place, and finally being able to get your number?” He said. “Hell yeah!”

~

Fanart time!

This chapter’s fanart is by @woo-for-woojin! I love this! Feel free to send in your own fanart as well!

There’s the ever-awaited fluff! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. If you did, please drop a like and reblog with your feedback for all of your friends, mutuals, and any other kpop lovers to see~ Thanks for reading, and have a nice day!

* DISCLAIMER: I do not own any gifs/photos used in this post. I do own the written content. Do NOT repost/edit. *

🏷 @punk-pan-bih-yeets-thru-life • @hoshithehamster • @woo-for-woojin • @deceased-pumpkin-babe • @ethereal-chanracha • @midnatwlp • @joohowdy • @ckyunwon • @yeollliee • @aquietkerfuffle • @royalhvangs

[terrebus-fc]

how do all y'all recommend getting into football for a newcomer? just pick a team and start watching them? or like watch previous tournaments or something?

first of all, welcome to football :3

there’s some similarities to the terror so i think you might find it quite familiar:

get ready for some rambling below the cut!

i think it’s easiest to start by watching a bigger international tournament while it’s happening. the world cup, obviously, is the biggest event in football, but other tournaments like the european championships or the copa américa (or whatever is going on where you’re from) also work well and are happening sooner (in 2020). follow the country you’re from if they qualified or pick any other country you like, really, and… just watch.

the advantage of those tournaments are that you’ll usually get to see a good mix of teams that are actually playing to win, that it all happens within the span of a month and that there will be extensive media coverage of the matches, part of it tailored to new viewers. don’t worry too much about the details of all the rules, you’ll get into the important ones quite quickly after watching some matches. part of being a football fan also is angrily disagreeing with the rules so not much knowledge is required. the emotions are the important thing. when the tournament is over you can follow the players you got to know during it back to their clubs and slip nicely into watching club football and selling your soul to the beautiful game.

of course you can also start with club football and randomly see what sticks. football is all about irrational attachments so… whatever works. (if you’re looking for club matches, this is a good site to find a stream!)

we agreed on our discord to each recommend a past match and an upcoming one to watch. i’ve thought about it for a bit and always kept coming back to the same match that’s a classic one and though it’s cliché i’m biased enough not to care. so. world cup 2014 semifinal between germany and brazil. i promise you the pay-off is very good (unless you support brazil).

for an upcoming match there’s a women’s football match between england and germany happening on 9th november. i know we’re all here for guys being lads but if you feel like it, check out the women playing, too.

- frauke

past match: my past match recommendation is Germany vs England, World Cup 2010, Round of 16. I think it’s a beautiful example of football at its best (Germany’s incredibly fluid style of play, feat. one of my favorite goals of all time) and worst (a referee completely failing to call a goal: a farcically monstrous error on the world stage). I love this game because despite everyone’s tactics, despite everyone’s efforts, the entire game arguably hinges on one incredibly stupid, incredibly human mistake, and what comes after. In a way it is a little bit like the Franklin expedition! And even nine years later the thought of what could have been evokes hilarity in some (three fifths of this mod team) and despair in others (one fifth of this mod team). That’s football babey! [WATCH IT HERE]

upcoming match: I’m gonna recommend a club match for this one! I’m a fan of German football and the Berlin derby (Union Berlin vs Hertha Berlin) is coming up this Saturday (Nov 2) at 5:30PM GMT! This is the first time these teams will be playing each other in the top league of German football, and it’s likely to be a good example of what rivalries in club football can be like. Union Berlin has a great underdog story–this is their first year ever in the Bundesliga–and it should be a lot of fun all around! Also, one week later, on Nov 9 at 4:30PM GMT, Borussia Dortmund take on perennial juggernauts Bayern Munich. Over the last decade or so Dortmund’s fast-paced, attacking football has been the only real challenge to Bayern’s throne, and with Bayern (my team, for better or worse) not playing nearly as well as they should this season, this could shape up to be an exciting match!

-ireny

past match: so i heard you like this very english show about these very english boys? you also like to suffer? FANTASTIC! croatia vs. england, the world cup 2018 semifinals, is the only match that matters on the planet and you should watch it immediately. underdog narratives on both sides! nobody expected either team to make it as far as they did – england because they’ve got a long history of disappointing in national tournaments, croatia because they’re considered a small country in football terms and because they hadn’t gotten past the group stages since 1998. england scored early, croatia equalized in the second half to drag them to extra time – their third game in a row that went to 120+ minutes – and despite how ragged and exhausted the team was, my #1 player of all time ever mario mandžukić scored the winning goal that got croatia through to their first ever world cup final. it was a truly transcendent moment. no matter whose side you’re on (i mean, there is only one right side, but who am i to judge) it’s a thrilling, scrappy game to watch. i want you to watch it so badly, i have a link for you.

upcoming match: outside of frothing at the mouth about my national team, i watch the italian league religiously. if you’d like to try out club football, this weekend has a couple high profile games in italy. on saturday (nov. 2) at 7:00 AM PT, you can watch roma vs. napoli, which are two teams that are considered hipster to like despite the fact that they’re actually massive. napoli are, regrettably, usually very good, but have had a poor start to their season, so they’ll be looking to dominate on-fire roma. it should be a shitshow, i can’t wait! meanwhile, at 12:45 PM PT you can watch the derby della mole, torino vs. juventus. juve is the most successful team in serie a, and torino are their cross-town rivals who are EXTREMELY lovable but also Not Very Good At Football. watch it and root for torino and have your heart broken (and then come talk to me about either team/any players you like because i can prime you equally on both!) (not ronaldo.)

- caitlin

past match: W O W do the attacks against england just keep coming and coming huh just like Tuunbaq huh!!!! Aside from that, the perennial sense of crisis, setback after setback, English people suffering, madness and disappointment, and betrayal of everything you hold dear are also some of the ways in which England resembles The Terror and therefore why you should also watch us. 

In the spirit of England, I’m going to recommend a match in which we lose: England 1-1 West Germany, 4-3 on penalties, at the 1990 World Cup. We lose to Germany a lot. (Pls hold: 1966, babey.) But 1990 was the first time that we reached the semi-finals since ‘66, and it was crazily emotionally charged; our coach Bobby Robson was leaving amidst a scandal, there’d been fights between the police and fans, and of course there was a palpable sense of christ, we could actually do it. (I say ‘we’ as in the way football fans say ‘we’, since in 1990 I was -5 years old.) The game is rip-roaring, furious, dramatic - look for Gazza’s Tears - and also introduces you to the concept of extra time, aka sitting in your seats for a full half-hour more than you expected, and penalties, aka something we are so famously bad at that when we finally won a penalty shootout last year we celebrated as if we had won the cup itself.

upcoming match: The Engl attacks made me defend myself and I couldn’t recommend a club game, which I would otherwise have (United 2-1 Arsenal ‘99, for those interested) because my club’s current football is SO DIRE I would not recommend it to anyone unless I wanted to turn them off of football forever. You might want to tune in next week for Liverpool Vs Man City (4:30 PM GMT, 10 Nov), a giant clash with probably entertaining football for everyone except United fans, who will desperately be cheering on Team Sinkhole.

- rach

I have something to add, which is that football has a weird and wild history, and I recommend looking up something like ‘the 10 most inexplicable moments in football’, or ‘five of the most unhinged things the most unhinged managers have ever said’ to get a taste. The sport is about enjoying the actual movement of the ball across the grass, but it’s also about basking in the massive array of bizarre personalities.

past match: a lot of good bases have already been covered re: Germany so I won’t pile on by recommending our 4-0 battering of Argentina in 2010 :3c I present to you instead the FA Cup final from 2014, Arsenal-Hull City. (Have a link!) Arsenal hadn’t won a trophy in nine years. The fan discontent with iconic manager Arsene Wenger was getting nasty. Hull City was the decided underdog. An underdog who promptly scored twice in the first ten minutes. Through a mix of lovely skill and scrappy luck the match ended happily for Arsenal, and even knowing that the Wenger story wasn’t entirely on the up and up after breaking that long drought, seeing the sheer joy and relief on everyone’ faces still makes me feel a whole lot of things.

upcoming match: that aside, Arsenal are currently playing as though they’ve got lost in a damp paper bag and have yet to soggily wander their way out. Despite that I’m going to recommend Leicester-Arsenal next weekend (9 Nov, 18.30 CET). Leicester have been absolutely swanning about (they annihilated Southampton last week 0-9 in the joint-largest prem league scoreline ever) and Arsenal at the moment, with their negative confidence and cotton wool defence are precisely in position to be smashed. But we’ve also done historically quite well against Leicester, and it could be the sort of match where Arsenal get their heads up and deliver the kind of easy-passing, smooth-running performance they’re supposed to be known for. It has great potential to be either a misery or a cheer-up charm for me, and regardless it’ll be a good time for you.

- Sabina

[daringherring]

Actually, Decepticons are the bad guys

@warworldcmdr​ wrote a very thoughtful response to my "hot take" post the other day and brought up a lot of points that I want to address--some of them good, some of them bad.

I'll start with what I agree with: Yes, it's probably true that a lot of the people writing "very nice and helpful, even to my enemies" Decepticons are young. And even if they're adults, yes, it's valid for people to write what they want, however they like it, whether I enjoy it or not. So yes, although my point was "I'd really prefer not to interact with people who write Decepticons in this way, as it makes me uncomfortable", Dai is probably right to call me out for making the blanket statement that it's "not cool" to write """nice""" Decepticons.

It is also true that Autobots have done some shit, whether individually or as a system. Yeah, Transformers Animated is morally grey as shit, and there are some players in IDW who really make you take a step back and whisper to yourself "what the fuck". It was never my intention to claim that Autobots are entirely pure and innocent actors in any of the Transformers series; arguably in G1 they're the best they get, since they were explicitly written to be the good guys to the Decepticons' bad guys, but in other series boy does shit get muddy. More on that later, but honestly my post was not about Autobots. "Sometimes Autobots are also not great" does not negate the fact that in every (yes, every, once again except for Shattered Glass) continuity the Decepticons have the explicit goal of universal domination.

For the sake of relative brevity, I'm only going to focus on the three continuities Dai brought up: the G1 cartoon, Transformers Animated, and the IDW 1 run (2005-2018).

So, what are G1 Decepticons about? Dai claims that they have "no motive beyond saving their homeworld from an energy crisis", but canonically that's just not the case. The original motive the Decepticons had for starting the war on Cybertron was to rule Cybertron. Then they lost that war, and after a while they started another one... once again, with their entire motive being to rule Cybertron. Prior to the war, there was no energy crisis. That happened because after 5 million years of fighting, they eventually used up all of the planetary resources.

After the Autobots leave Cybertron in search of new energy sources and the Decepticons follow them, Megatron's motivation turns from simply ruling Cybertron, to ruling the entire universe. Seriously. He says it in almost every episode. He wants to conquer the universe, and while yes, part of his strategy is to send fuel back to Cybertron... that's so that the Decepticons can conquer Cybertron once and for all, giving them a secure home base from which to conquer the universe.

Now, most of the G1 cartoon is centered around the fighting between Autobots and Decepticons on Earth, with occasional side trips to Cybertron, so we don't see a lot of what's happening elsewhere. What we do see of other planets is that Megatron and the rest of the Decepticons have no qualms whatsoever about killing or enslaving the sentient alien inhabitants of those worlds. That's just part of their strategy: find a planet with resources, enslave the local population, plunder it for all it's worth. We see this happen repeatedly on Earth, as well as on Saturn's moon Titan and the planet Tlalak.

There's also a whole mess of stuff happening on Monacus, the gambling asteroid, which definitely involves slavery and other forms of exploitation, and it's more than just implied that Megatron is running that entire operation. I’m not even going to get into season 3 because I’m tired and this post is getting too long as it is. Then there's TFA. I'll be the first to admit that the Autobots of Transformers Animated are heavily morally grey; not so much the main cast, Optimus' team on Earth, but the Autobots as a whole... yeah. You could easily make a comparison between Autobot-run Cybertron and post-9/11 America in terms of rampant xenophobia and government surveillance. It's uncomfortable. It's meant to be; that's good writing! But once again, the Decepticons are still the bad guys. I'm just gonna quote straight from tfwiki here: "The Decepticons came to prominence as a sub-faction of the Destrons around 70 million years ago. They advocated the use of the AllSpark to bring Cybertron itself to life, that it might serve as a cosmic juggernaut that would allow the Transformers to return to the era of expansion and colonization of other worlds they had enjoyed nearly 700 million years beforehand. When the Decepticon leader Megazarak was ousted by charismatic rhetorician named Megatron, tensions finally exploded, and the Autobots and Decepticons went to war for possession of the AllSpark." We all know what happened with the AllSpark: the Autobots eventually launched it through a space bridge, and Megatron spent the next 4 million years, plus the entirety of the Animated cartoon, searching for it and plotting to use its power to return to Cybertron and conquer his home planet. So that he can. You know. Turn it into a giant spaceship that he can use to conquer the universe. Once again, there's nothing to do with an energy crisis. In fact, there's nothing in Animated to suggest that there is, or ever has been, an energon crisis. The Decepticons just explicitly want control so that they can go on a galaxies-wide killing and pillaging spree. IDW 2005 is a whole different beast. Like Animated, it's incredibly nuanced in its character portrayals, and there are a lot of shades of grey on both sides. And there's 13 years' worth of regularly produced content available, so it's probably the largest body of Transformers works within a single continuity. There's a LOT to go through. I'm quailing just at the thought of it. G-d, do I not want to go through all of IDW 2005 and point out all the explicit Nazi imagery, calculated genocide, fascist talking points, and etc. I'm not even going to do it in this post. Fuck it, I'll write another essay on the matter at some point if people really want to know why the Decepticons are the bad guys in IDW. Right now, I'll settle for saying that Megatron could not more obviously be an allegory for Hitler, and being an artist before he started publishing inflammatory writings designed to push his world into a bloody conflict does not make him more sympathetic. Being oppressed by an unfair world order does not justify or excuse the invasion and occupation of foreign territory and the massacre of millions of innocent civilians. Seriously. Am I talking about Megatron right now, or Hitler? The Decepticons, or Nazi Germany? One is literally a fictional carbon copy of the other.

And finally, here we have a continuity where the energy crisis contributes to the escalation of the war. You know what it's an exact historical replica of? The Great Depression! Yes, Decepticons and Germans were both starving prior to their armed revolt. And you probably know what I'm about to say: that doesn't make any of what came after okay, or reasonable, or just some understandably angry lashing out! Genocide is genocide, and genocide is always bad. Look. I get that there are "nice" Decepticons in canon. I get that there are also terrible Autobots. That's reflective of real life, too: the Allies were responsible for their share of heinous war crimes during WWII, and there's plenty of documentation out there that actual, literal Nazis were real people too. Anyone can fall for ubiquitous propaganda when it's being served to them day and night by sources they trust. There were a lot of soldiers who were just following orders, a lot of civilians who believed they were doing the right thing by turning in their neighbours and friends for seditious talk, a lot of people who fell into line because they were afraid. There were also a lot of people who genuinely believed in what the Nazis stood for and celebrated their victories every step of the way. Functionally, there is no difference whatsoever in the end results of the true believer's actions, the fearful capitulator's actions, and the loyal soldier's actions. At the end of the day, they're all still Nazis. So, yeah. People can write what they want. But respectfully, if people want to write Decepticons who are really just nice and helpful and wish the war were over and everyone would just get along, UWU, without ever distancing themselves from the Decepticons as a whole and the many atrocities they've perpetuated? I'd rather they wrote that somewhere far away from me.

If you want sources for any of my canon just @ me I guess, I’m too tired right now.

[children-first]

Children First : An introductory speech for consensual humans.

~ Dear parents, teachers, caretakers, comrades, activists, and lovers of children of all kinds,

As you may be able to look around and see for yourselves, the majority of us who are present here are adults working to improve the earthly realm of humans around us, and we should take notice that there are [few/no] children here, only a substantially larger group of adults in this meeting. A meeting to make plans for the future. Planning without the help of children. We will not deny that children exist all around us in our human realm, but are we planning with them in mind? Who is given permission to speak of children, and are the children incorporated into all of our plans? If so, do we know every ‘who, what, where, when, why and how’ in detail? Who are they to us as adults during these troubled times, and how did we get to where we are now? We were once children ourselves, growing up to inherit bad behaviors and socially accepted paradigms that encourage exploitation and destruction of the natural world over thousands of years, and now the realm of humanity itself is out of order – out of control. Am I beginning to insinuate that children play a major role in our culture and are in fact the answer to our burning question of where to direct all of our focus to stabilize ourselves? Have the majority of us overlooked the importance of children, and should we not put more emphasis on them? If you speculate the big picture of the human situation on this planet, which should be described as a crisis -as I have come to a very serious life-altering and life-threatening conclusion about- it could be said that the human realm and it’s existence on Earth is a complete mess simply because for nearly 6000 years of civilization children have been ignored in a very deep way. It is now time to put Children First. Children are our future.

We may already understand the obvious importance of caring about the lives of children, or even the children of non-human animals, but are unable to see how deeply important they are in the world, and how we must truly start to care for them. To put children first is to truly care about the earth itself, as such care will directly trace back to the earth in one way or another, having more of an impact than the majority of the human population will initially realize. Put the children first for this reason. Over all, children will always succeed us, out-live us, taking over where we left off, but should not be the ones to clean up the messes left behind by adults. It is not the children’s fault that the world is the way it is. Sadly, we may easily understand this truth, though also find it is not possible to easily stop the world’s problems dead in their tracks, considering the amount of systemic power that irresponsibly controls and promotes an immense plethora of destructive habits and behaviors to abuse the world’s resources, to see that an inevitable collapse of the system is required to return to a state of humans being in balance while ethically sustainable. Sadly, we simply have to patiently wait for this collapse to occur, and while we wait, we can learn more about how we got to where we are now, and how, if we had the chance, fix what specifically went wrong in the first place so that we can do better in the future whenever possible.

We as humans control everything on the planet, in little ways and in big ways. Every aspect is now being controlled, in one way or another. Even when it is not being openly and widely spoken of, as well as through catastrophically poor choices of denial and ignorance on a very large scale of human behavior. We directly and indirectly control children in horrible ways that the dominant culture is not consciously aware of. The dominant culture ruins children, and the planet. The dominant culture hates children, and keeps them quiet – silencing them. The dominant culture will tell adults to ‘shut up’ about children as well, for under the economic paradigm and leadership of capitalism, adults are forced to focus on what is the very opposite in terms of the importance of children to be ‘successful in life’. Not too much money can be made by the children themselves these days -selling lemonade can only get you so far- and therefore children are seen as having very little value, having a piggy-bank instead of a bank account. On a side note, it must be mentioned that child labor is not necessarily always a bad thing, but it certainly is when applied to industrial civilization, which is why everyone should be very thankful we do not send our kids to work these days instead of getting a so-called ‘decent’ education, being given adequate time to discover who they are through optimal maturation of playful experiences. We care more about the lives of children when it comes to the subject of being employed for a paycheck, but only this much to at least not appear cruel. Still, the dominant culture dislikes children covertly, and this is what is so backwards about every major perspective of capitalism, and the beginning of explaining why humanity is out of control at this point in time. We never openly acknowledge or promote the importance of putting children first. We need to care about children deeply. We as adults, need to plan with children in mind, and understand that if our lives had been better from the beginning, we would not be where we are now. It must be mentioned that people do not realize how primitive -or, less industrial- they need to become to save themselves.

We must abruptly look at violence for a moment as it relates to the complexity of the human crisis, as if we were just slapped in the face by it. The world has been destroyed by unspeakable violence, abuse, murder, forms of neglect and ignorance, lies and denial. Because of this, this must be asked in an attempt to prevent such behavior as much as possible: What would be a good way for us as humans to prevent violence -especially when violence begets violence as they say- within our culture, preferably starting early on in a person’s life? The answer can be found in early teachings of intimacy, love, honesty and even sexuality, among other great humanitarian teachings to children so that they grow up less confused, less violent, more aware.

What is also very important is something we don’t think about almost at all anymore because we are so used to performing the ritual on a daily basis, which is the ritual of wearing clothes -the ritual of hiding our naked bodies, the visibility of our skin- also has something to do with causing destructive behavior on a deep level. We as early hominids began to wear animal skins or ‘clothes’ approximately 170,000 years ago, but never have been born with clothes on or to develop a shell like a snail does, or some other natural form of protection for the epidermis/skin with the exception of plenty of hair on our bodies that we later lost most of during our evolution. Depending on where the neanderthals specifically found themselves living on earth long ago, depended on the desirable need to wear animal skins or ‘clothes’ either for extra warmth or protection from the sun- not to be more modest in appearance. However, most of the problem really does stem directly from the denial and ignorance of providing intimacy and love to children that they need, teaching them how to be honest and intimate from being a good example while knowing how to influence them using positive reinforcement in their lives as well as not denying their childhood sexuality, which does exist and is not a myth: it’s not as if children instantly become sexual beings immediately after puberty; it all begins much earlier than that. Children are indeed born to be sexual. We were all born sexual, changing more or less as we grow older incrementally. We can’t ignore or deny these facts anymore.

The subject of childhood sexuality is very important, though it is definitely not what needs to be looked at first. What comes first are quality teachings and experiences of intimacy, love, and simply being nude as much as possible – weather permitting, of course. We have covered our bodies too often for thousands of years, starting with body paint and decorative materials, eventually becoming clothing with more than the specific purpose of protecting ourselves from the elements, not with the intention of hiding ‘private parts’ from the eyes of others since the very beginning. Once the majority of humans became insecure in their behavior about their nude bodies and the nudity of others, we all started wearing clothes to hide under to superficially impress, to fit in and be accepted, eventually creating what we know as ‘fashion’, as ostentatious, pretentious, costly and uncomfortable it really is, or can be. We have created deception in our world starting with this habit taken to an extreme, giving it a new meaning and purpose over time, in combination with the old purpose to make the rationality of insecurity seem more legitimate. Wearing clothes causes and increases sexual frustration in others, both of which cause and increase the desire to have sex over longer periods of waiting time, triggering the ability to imagine ways to somehow achieve or relieve the yearning for such gratification, driving humanity into a form of depraved horny madness, exacerbating sexual abuse, all forms of violence, all forms of murder, and even authoritative neglect to satisfy or attempt to cure the intense emotional spell of sexual cravings. The connection being made is how humans are literally disconnected from each other by wearing clothes too often.

To provide my own perspective and understanding of our complicated situation by presenting a personal story from my own experience, here is something true that I have wrote: During my entire life so far I have only seen children of the opposite sex completely naked in the flesh a total of 9 separate times. More specifically, I have seen 9 different naked young girls randomly over 33+ years, never once touching their bodies or genitalia, only looking at them while nude, mostly from over 20 feet away and usually for just a couple of minutes – though one time very closely that lasted around 15 minutes which also included a request for me to touch them (a 4 or 5 year old girl gave me consent to smear her body with hot-spring mud in Slab City California – It was my birthday and I was turning 23). All of the children (female) were under the age of 6. The truth is that this small amount of nudity is completely unnatural for anyone to see within 33+ years, and the amount of human nudity we all need to be seeing should be much higher. My issue: Growing up as a heterosexual male while never getting an easily available opportunity to touch or experiment with a young naked girl intimately during my boyhood when it should have been done has caused a tremendous accumulation of sexual frustration later in my life, driving me absolutely crazy over the years. This type of learning experience is in fact essential for anyone’s well-being. Sadly, the goal to satisfy my curiosity that I had as a child (and continues to linger) will probably never be fulfilled. I hate the unnatural denial and ignorance of a child’s sexuality and lack of human nudity within human culture more than most will ever understand. Nudity needs to be a part of human life and so do the teachings of intimacy directly with children. If the dominant culture doesn’t fix itself soon, then humans deserve to go extinct.

Almost everything we do as humans is to help us get sex or find a way to give ourselves love, one way or another. If we can understand that there is a possible way that exists to responsibly raise and control children to not be so sexually frustrated later in life -who may grow up focusing on lusty schemes, doing whatever it takes to get someone naked just to have sex (like to lose their ‘virginity’ for example) or merely to see someone naked – because at least half the problem that causes sexual frustration is not being able to see what it is under someone’s clothes, therefore driving all humans crazy- the best way to do this is to directly provide structure and discipline to the budding sexuality of children beginning with their need for intimacy starting when they are young, while teaching the importance of being naked with other children for every good reason, encouraging them to care and love each other on a very deep level helping them to mature without formations of negative behavior. That is how we can save humanity by focusing on how we raise children. Adults have this power. Adults need to stop ignoring children, and their sexuality. The roots of sexual frustration cause violence, and every other problem that was previously mentioned. If ‘schools’ -or at least emphatic teachings- of intimacy had been established thousands of years ago, we would be much better guests on the planet today. Sex controls every aspect of our lives when you really think about it. Sigmund Freud was certainly right about something on this topic. It begins with how children are raised. Children must be put first – I can not say it enough. ***At the end of this speech, information on Youth Intimacy School Education, or ‘Y.I.S.E.’ for short, and The Essential Fundamental Building Blocks for a Worthwhile Life (List of ideals for humans in communities) will be handed out.***

Now back to the responsibility issue of who creates the plans of the world: similar to what I had mentioned and speculated in the beginning, I now ask who has the privilege to talk about children and their sexuality; their rights, and real needs for intimacy? It is sad but true that this is all mostly taboo, especially thanks to capitalism itself forcing us to look the other way entirely. If we looked at children directly and honestly all the time, the world would continuously be saving it’s grace when trouble appears: the truth being revealed in children’s faces and bodies as if they are a psychic medium or clairvoyant crystal ball that represents the well-being and predictive near future of the whole planet; showing and reflecting how we as adults directly and indirectly treat all things, sometimes being neglected or forgotten, though when remembered and attended to may cause tears of joy when life is consciously and humbly given back to itself, the human adult reinforcing the sacred life force of youth found within it’s own species, conjuring enlightenment.

When it comes to adults talking about a child’s needs for intimacy and budding sexuality, while keeping children front and center in our minds during the process of designing the world around us, this is how it simply should be done, more or less: putting children first must be completely *accepted* and *promoted* in our culture over everything else; even if specific teachings of intimacy and sexuality are to be excluded, at least in the beginning of this new paradigm. Realistically, there is no worthy alternative to putting children first in our lives, and that is a definite conclusion. Human consciousness must be treated differently than non-human consciousness, as it requires more responsibility. To go even deeper into the need for structure and discipline within humanity, now putting great emphasis on the specific topics of intimacy and sexuality towards the physical relationships of children with other children, and especially adult relationships with children, it must be said that the consent of a child to play or love who they choose needs to be *accepted* but *not promoted*; as if to exploit the child’s interests or sexuality to make them readily available as an objective, which will destroy everything that is sacred about their nature. The child has the right to do what they please, as long as everyone involved is being responsible enough to avoid any real harm, disregarding common non-negotiable accusatory presumptions of coercion on the behalf of an adult interested in such relations with a child, beliefs of which have been converted into unrealistic laws created by a dysfunctional system which must be repealed and forgotten. The dominant culture is dumb and confused by the importance of meaningful communication between such relationships of children being with children, and children being with adults, where what is being misunderstood is how talking about the importance of children and their relationships is seen or heard as promoting a specific kind of lustful and devious attraction towards children in itself, and about children themselves: attraction that needs no advertising and is ruined by such advertising. Specifically about adults – adult attraction to children (and vice versa) is very natural all around, with emphasis that such attraction should not be the new normal or preferred objective for all humans to experience -especially as a sexual experience- simply because most children are physically and mentally underdeveloped. This is how the dominant culture and capitalism ruins the experience of child sexuality: both mistakenly bring too much attention to this phenomenon, creating rumors to be spread within the modern-style nuclear family on the subject of incestuous taboos by declaring that it is not acceptable to share the same bed with the children, etc., and as consumers in society, which created pornography and the ability to make money off of sex. Not to mention all the extra stupidity of the dominant culture, which indeed is mostly about capitalism, exploits – and attracts – and destroys – and is irresponsible for the damage it causes- and ruins what was beautiful from ever allowing it to return to being acceptable in society ever again. Beautiful things have happened on this planet that you will never know about, which is definitely something you should continuously make an effort to remember. Here is a quick list of realistic rules to help and protect children, that also provides some of what has just been mentioned:

Rule number One: Never exploit, or harm children.

Rule number Two: Love all children and be intimate with them when appropriate and while being responsible.

Rule number Three: Always provide as much helpful guidance to children as possible.

Rule number Four: Discipline children starting when they are young.

Rule number Five: Always put children first.

Relationships of children with adults are not a new phenomenon in history, however it can be agreed that the qualities of such relationships could have always been better of course if more awareness on the subject of human psychology was widespread. Children with adults can be proven to be completely acceptable and also be proven to be beneficial to the children themselves, if they desire and consent to such a relationship. It can also be proven that the amount of adults who are sexually attracted to children naturally only affects a smaller percent of the population, both of women and men. The smaller percentile of these adults who are truly interested and hopefully are or will be responsible in such delicate relations with children may be an obviously lesser figure, though it must be mentioned will never be a figure that is entirely eliminated, as the amount of adults being with adults will always dominate as it should, though what also must be brought into the light is the fact that children are attracted to adults, just as much, or even more than, adults attracted to children at times: as a young boy I personally was attracted to a few of my elementary and middle school teachers who were women in their twenties or early thirties, and other women not seen specifically at school who were around the similar adult ages or even older, for example. Again, relationships of adults with children are not required in culture, as they are not required in nature, though must be accepted within it as a phenomenon, yet should never be promoted, with all unreasonable criticism to be avoided if possible as it does not help in any form of responsible prevention. The only prevention necessary, needs to come from the necessary teachings of intimacy, nudity and sexuality. In the long run such relationships are easier to accept than attempt to hide, for such interests will always exist, and are unstoppable. Do your best to mind your own business if you fail to understand.

Another aspect of child and adult relationships is that they need to be accepted because they can properly function as long as there is consent between the lovers themselves, while also being accepted by the parents of certain younger aged humans at times, therefore the relationships tend to work out for as long as the lovers need to be together, and in the case of children being with adults they should be more or less temporary learning experiences. Such relationships usually are temporary in nature for the most part – which is in this case is due to the amount of age difference, though specific emphasis is put on the relations where there is a much higher gap between the ages for this insight- simply because how a younger human or ‘child’ will more than likely change psychologically during natural stages of maturation. The importance and goal of each child and adult relationship is mostly going to be about aspects of learning and teaching if it is not be one that lasts. Of course, if a child is very young and the adult is very old, attempting to make such a relationship work naturally is very difficult unless there is force behind it that breaks the natural rules of consent, which obviously needs to be avoided, where lessons can be taught starting very early in life to make sure it is prevented in adulthood in the best of ways. Intrinsically, the more of an age difference there is, the more difficult it will be to form a sexual relationship. When a child is young, the acceptability for age differences within a relationship starts out to be very little, though when they begin to get older this acceptability starts to open up, increasing the acceptable amount of the age difference as the age of the younger human increases which easily lasts well into their thirties, where finally as a much older adult the acceptability level of age difference naturally shrinks down again, but not as much as during the first decade (approximately) of their life. Human abilities are much different than non-human abilities, thanks to consciousness.

Here are three simplified guidelines for having romantic relationships with younger humans: – Always cooperate and organize with the parents of younger humans first (especially parents of all younger beings who have not yet reached puberty). – Allowing responsible relations between younger humans with similar or older age groups. – Allowing reasonable interactive differences between the physical size / maturity of younger humans with similarly sized or larger / more mature humans.

Also, humans are capable of living longer now, and this changes the game of human relationships, because it creates perspectives that did not exist before – between those who are young and those who are old. Relationships become less natural and are odd when a child has relations with an adult that exceeds about 40-50 tears of age or so, especially when the younger human is young enough to be a grandchild to the adult. It could also be said that such a relationship may be odd when the age of someone who is fully mature could be placed directly between the two different ages within the relationship, such as a 30 year old adult could be placed in between a the age of a child who is 10 and the age of the adult in the relationship who is 40 years old. There was a time in human history where average life expectancy was between the ages of 35-40, until the industrial revolution enabled people to live much longer, which is when the human realm became better -or at least easier and more pleasurable- as well as worse, and not just for their relationships.

To mention how human culture has developed over time beginning with a quick note on marriage that plays a part in culture, marriage is a ritual that does not exist in nature either, as it is a product of our relatively modern times since between the common era of 1250-1300 approximately. Humans are just ‘civilized’ animals, and animals do not get married. Sadly, in capitalism that hides dark secrets of all kinds, literally buying young and/or beautiful brides is a possibility. This is very unnatural. Money is not real as it is, and buying a person is a fake and toxic form of love. Even though relationships of younger humans with older adults are considered taboo or frowned upon within the dominant side of capitalism itself, there is the existence of young brides out there who have a price tag available for the wealthy. It must also be mentioned that in capitalism, money can buy sex and/or time with ‘hookers’ and other fake forms of gratification such as porn, sex dolls and sex toys. Drugs, medications and aphrodisiacs are also available to increase sexual desire. Capitalism also encourages masturbation, which is healthy and natural to some extent, but can still be very destructive and addictive as there are unnatural forms of masturbation, especially with the ability to fantasize or daydream that helps to fuel the whole masturbatory experience. Humans are out of control whether they realize it and accept it or not. To stabilize humanity, we need to put children first in all that we make plans for, and we need to see each other while being nude again, to have real intercourse with others as much as possible in reality, providing we are responsible and treat each other with respect. If we allow children and adult relationships to happen on their own around the majority of relationships that involve adults with other adults, we can avoid a plethora of destructive and fake-forms of culture as long as we make an effort to improve our ethics. It makes perfect sense to allow such child and adult relationships. It is a trade for the better – a better way of life. That is a good way to describe the situation and what needs to happen. The hard part is accepting how far away we have distanced ourselves from our real human needs, and why. The dominant culture is unbelievable: an accident caused by the accumulation of wrong choices over long periods of time. People worry about child and adult relationships because of what has happened in the dominant culture over thousands of years, which specifically is the cause of when humans began to be less openly intimate with each other in combination with wearing more clothes, sleeping in separate beds, creating the sexually-frustrated-man who is deprived of such completely natural pleasure conveniences and therefore becomes desperate, desiring to stick his penis into ‘anything that moves or has a hole in it’. The problem is magnified thanks to other problems created by the dominant culture over thousands of years, but has become hyper-intensified and extreme especially the last 70 years, becoming increasingly worse during the time period of the invention of the internet and television.

The media controlled by capitalism produces a fearful, cynical and contemptuous mental thought of children being with adults, where apparently abuse, violence, etc. are inevitably bound to happen which is mostly exaggerated and blown out of proportion, because life itself is not perfect and can never be perfect enough to avoid all forms of harm to have perfect relationships anyway. However, for the most part, negative interactions within communication can be prevented if we as humans acknowledge where we have gone wrong and remember how good we are at fixing problems when we actually put in the effort. To remind you, if humans get back to their roots, living our lives while naked again while optimally initiated into habit as children among naked adults as well, human contentedness will soar and appear like a beautiful rainbow. Bliss, euphoria, happiness, relaxation, love, well-being, etc. It is all very good for the human mind. This is how deep the importance of children is.

Yet, today, it is taboo for adults to talk about, even though it is the answer humanity is desperately looking for to save itself. I have mentioned what needs to be promoted, with deep explanation, but still, who gets to talk about it if we start to open up to the subject? There are a few natural groups that exist that each have their own power to speak up to certain degrees, and will now briefly be mentioned. Adults who are in relationships with younger humans/children will almost always be very quiet towards others about the importance of putting children first in combination with a return to a more or less nude lifestyle, for they know the dangers involved that may expose their type of relations. Adults in relationships with other adults without children usually have priorities to each other, and how the dominant culture operates will prevent them from such activism at least to some degree, depending on the level of depth the adults in the relationships are willing to be honest about, but what happens very often in such heterosexual relationships is the woman will have a ‘feminist’-style edge available to her as an approach to anything that complicates the attractiveness to each other, therefore silencing the man from discussing children’s rights, or the man being interested towards other women for that matter, unless of course the relationship is very real and down to earth, where she truly cares about the man, who they both are as a couple, and simply who children really are. It just needs to be mentioned that the woman can silence a man very easily to control him during these times, as to seduce him, aggressively or even sociopathically; which capitalist culture creates and breeds so easily; where sociopathic individuals are out to heroically compete for the resources of the world, to then control other humans if they so desire on any level that they wish, all done with a smile on their face and a superficially ‘nice’ attitude.

Who comes next on the list are the single parents, biological parents with new partners, and especially the biological parents who hopefully remain happily together without ever getting divorced or separated. The parents themselves naturally have the golden ticket access, the V.I.P. pass, the ‘god-given’ right to talk openly about putting children first and nudism. By default, they have ‘the right’ because they apparently truly know about how to deal with children as they have their own, being at least one or more. Though what we actually see much of the time in the media and in public are low quality parenting skills or even ones that are considered horrible thanks to capitalism and the dominant culture. Certain parents will achieve such activism if they are careful, with just the right combination of top-notch parenting skills, intelligence, while capable of defending themselves easily when answering questions that may come their way through speech or writing at random, making them shine brightly as high quality quick-witted parents. In my experience I haven’t heard too many parents talk about the type of intimacy I speak of, but that is understood because of an awareness of their fears created by the world, full of threatening, contemptuous, and immature behavior, where communicating with respect never happens first: they tend to be more cautious with who they talk to. There should be no blame towards them for speaking out about wanting to protect their children for the right reasons, as long as they understand and/or mention the true reasons why everything has gotten out of control in the first place. If a parent wishes to talk about a problem they have with an adult interacting with a younger human/child, but ignore or deny the true cause of the problem mistakenly created by the dominant culture in the first place and why everything is out of control, which sadly is usually the case, they will absolutely ruin the potential to establish great wisdom about why we all need to actually love children while consciously not looking at them as sexual objects that can be used or exploited, inappropriately controlled for selfish personal gain or expression, while lacking the ability to understand who children really are to everyone and the future.

What that all boils down to is the fact that adults and parents can hinder more than they can help, and it is very obvious. However, decent parents out there still do what they can, even though they sometimes cause a situation to backfire, cause more problems than they fix, and attempt to fix what is not broken. Sometimes they think they have good intentions, yet are no different from other parents in the past, with no radical approach to solving problems. Passing down the same teachings as they were taught by their parents, and the parent’s parents, where teaching kids to simply be ‘kind’ or ‘nice’ is not the real solution, and will not work in the long run. They protect, but usually protect too much. Or, they protect, but not in the right way. They protect, but not enough. Most relationships are created and fueled by capitalism these days, which explains why people with lower intelligence seem to breed more, and get married more. Everything now makes sense: something was missing in the educational process.

Though rarely, they can both protect and teach their children and other adults all at the same time how everything needs to truly function, and they will sacrifice what they can to improve life around them. At the end of the day, the bottom line is that parents have, and should have, the most control, over the need to put children first. They can actually work with their own children, and focus on speaking out as a family: families, that have the best advantage in communities, and can change environments by being a good-example type of family. They are rare these days, but they do exist out there. Lastly, single adults, such as myself, tend to quickly get silenced about these issues of putting children first and request to return to a nudist lifestyle. We are seen as degenerates some of the time, especially if we are males. The stigma against us for being single, and our ability to be free in any way we please, with no restraints that we allow to be held down by, seems to shine an unholy light upon some of us, but not all of us. There are rare single adults who truly understand the depths of children and who they are and need to be in our world. I know I am one of them. I vow never to hurt a child, unless of course there is a very good reason, which basically is only if they literally try to kill me out of their immaturity when I do not want to be killed. Immaturity, or their behavior from lack of discipline, that could have been prevented in the first place like I have been discussing here the whole time.

In defense for single adults against the stigmas formulated by the dominant culture, especially under capitalism, once finding yourself in this type of position, sometimes it creates a situation that is like a trap, creating a problem that is hard to get out of for the rest of your life. This may be interpreted as a completely natural occurrence some of the time since it is not possible for every human on the planet to find a partner, but the dominant culture enforces the now debunked social-Darwinist ‘survival of the fittest’ theory, creating an unrealistic game out of life itself, that promotes selfish individualism over cooperating with everyone compassionately, allowing people who are able to be in relationships to excel individually and as romantic partners collaborating as a team who have the common goal to succeed and dominate to any degree they please.

This exacerbates deep sexual frustration in single adults, which causes aggression and madness, which may cause violence, rape, etc. It is hard to be in control under these circumstances. It is an unfair, dysfunctional system that creates such problems within humanity, and a system that refuses to take responsibility of such outcomes. This is a downward spiral that it manufactures, and is unable to escape from itself. It is ultimately self-destructive. It will destroy itself by eventually collapsing and imploding and there is nothing that can stop it’s ability to corrupt. The only thing we can do – is do our best to put children first in our hearts, even if we are just single men and women, as long as we mean no harm.

To completely extract my ideas on this subject and purge myself of my thoughts, I will quickly mention just a few honest reasons why I, as a single heterosexual man, am specifically attracted to young human females otherwise described as little girls: As a male who in height is shorter than average, younger human females resemble short women: there seems to be a kind of natural need for the male to be larger than the female in a relationship, which may have less to do with the initial assumption of dominance people tend to think, but rather the ability to physically protect and please the female over all. There definitely is a natural psychological need to be larger than the female, otherwise the relationship seems unrealistic or awkward. So, even though I am actually attracted to mature adult women, there are very few who are single and available that are just a little shorter than me, and I am sick of relationships with taller women, though I have not given up on them. Being with someone who is just a little shorter would be perfect, and over many years of time, my mind gives into the possibility of temporarily being with a little girl to solve this problem, even though my interest towards children is deeper than this issue between body sizes.

A deeper reason is that a child’s mind is not yet corrupted by capitalism or the ills of the dominant culture, therefore shining a light on children as if they are angelic, and interpreted by many as ‘innocent’, and all the attractively colorful behavior that such innocence produces; which is a kind of purity. The child’s personality is also something that seems eternal, which explains why so many seek the ‘fountain of youth’ to extend their mortal life; even though what they will discover is the fountain of youth springs from children themselves – so look no further! Seeing a child who’s days on earth seem endless and eternal to them, having their whole life ahead of them yet to be discovered, full of wonder and excitement, experiencing something new for the first time, is magnetic to any sensible older human who remembers what it feels like to be in that position of youth. For me to interact with a younger human during that early stage of being, I get lost in the passion of wanting to be around to teach them everything I know and see them learn something new for the first time, guiding them on a righteous path. I have willingly spent time doing this with children and young adults when possible in the past and it really does soothe my mind afterward, knowing they should not make the same mistakes that I have in the past if they learn the lesson correctly. This type of enjoyment allows me to know I would be a great parent, and worry not, for incest with my own family members does not interest me; only my right to provide love and intimacy as a regular father figure in a family: especially with an ‘adult’ wife, preferably of similar age and/or life experience.

Aesthetically, nothing shines more beautifully than the fresh youthful glow of new skin and hair, a definite sign of good health for every possible reason you can imagine. No need to find a way to ask a younger female to shave her pubic hair for a more sensual experience, as they are naturally smooth without any growing yet.

A physical reason, which must be interacted with very responsibly only after mere intimacy is no longer enough within a relationship, is how smaller females of any age have ‘tighter’ vaginas during sexual intercourse. As I have dated women, mostly all taller than me in the past, their vaginas seem to be in proportion of their height, and are usually larger in girth than what is pleasurable to my penis. Even if I did penetrate a young female shorter than me it wouldn’t hurt them as much compared to a larger male adult. I definitely would have to find the right-sized girl for penetration to be acceptable, though it must be said that for me to have an enjoyable orgasm while being sexually intimate together is still guaranteed no matter the size of the younger female, which for me could be accomplished by the many ways to have oral sex, or simply a method of masturbation, without any penetration, refraining and waiting for years to penetrate if only necessary: Love does not imply ‘fucking’.

There definitely seems to be a combination of female attributes that my mind and body requires for any of this relationship stuff to be pleasurable, even if it is to be temporary, while the objective idea of having my own children is not much of an interest during these modern times anyway.

One way to choose which age group is best for you is to know if you want to make your life easier or harder: Loving children is usually much easier than loving a complex adult – not much ‘high maintenance’ required. The face, the body, the mind, the health of a child is much easier to deal with; in contrast to what an older female must deal with, like the existence of a menstrual cycle for example and all the highs and lows of emotion that come with it which are not yet a part of the younger females life, therefore worrying about what kind of mood the older female is in depending on the time of the month is not necessary or bothersome. There is nothing too brainy to get hung-up on with younger humans: women these days sure do cause a lot of problems for men, due to how society and the dominant culture functions, like with ‘liberal feminism’ and/or ‘radical feminism’ getting in the way as an intellectual example, and it can be a real intellectual turn off. There is an inability to please a woman’s desires sometimes, their intrinsic need to be provided for, their ‘requests’, ideas of controlling the man, and fear of the man. Humanity really is a mess. If you want to be with someone without these problems, younger humans a.k.a. ‘children’ are the best option. To have less of a mental burden when it comes to intimacy, sex, relationships, being with children is the way to go.

The rock-bottom line is sex makes us who we are, quite literally. Personally, I was not abused as a child whatsoever, and I am not ‘promoting’ child-adult relationships, especially ones that involve penetrative sex, in case you were actually wondering: all I am doing is making everything clear as possible, and that in itself is a difficult feat as to why we need to put children first, and who they are in the world.

With that said to comfort myself, as if I will die tomorrow, let us all teach and learn how to make the most of this human phenomenon to make the world a better place, with deeper understanding than ever before. Oh yes – One last way for me to describe my attraction to younger human females in one word is they usually are very ‘cute’: cute in the same way I like to describe kittens, a cute sounding voice that seemingly could keep me alive forever, stimulating my entire life force, or sometimes thought of as cute in the same way all of existence was neatly compacted together before the ‘big bang’, that possible ‘death’ or ‘failure’ of ‘god’ itself, which ended up creating our lives and the need for love: and love, in case you did not know, is what happens when god attempts to put itself back together again.

Here is the ‘take away’ information that should stick in your brain if all else failed to make a memorable impact for any reason: The highly sought after solution that describes what is most necessary to return to a balanced and stable mode of humanity simply by being directly involved with children as the main priority in our lives in a few important incremental steps of which are all to be taken very seriously and worked on until what seems radical becomes normal as this is what is required of the human race to save itself:

Step 1. Children First: regardless of important teachings of intimacy, intelligence of nudity, or acceptance of childhood sexuality. Step 2. Teachings of Intimacy: A) children learning to be intimate with other children B) adults learning to be intimate with children. Step 3. Nudity: covering body with clothing as little as possible to encourage a very real and natural back-to-basics way of living through nudism. Step 4. Playing with Children: intimately when necessary; especially while nude. Step 5. Relationships with Children: responsibly intimate, nude, and sexual as an optimal growing experience to keep humanity in equilibrium with all things.

A note on denial: Denial of a child’s sexuality does not prevent child abuse. Children (younger humans who are not yet ‘adults’) are sexual in their own budding ways, which is not new, and if we are to finally accept this truth, we must also remember that it does not make it acceptable to make a child the new sexual objective for those who want sex in general within human culture, or even for those not interested, as if to advertise or exploit a child’s true nature and allure, simply because they are capable of performing and expressing sexuality. It is OK to love children in every way, always putting children first in our lives to keep humanity stable, but to prevent child abuse, culture must also become more intimate with children and allow intimacy between children in every way to prevent children from growing up oppressed of much needed involvement with intimacy and sexuality during their own childhood to possibly end up seeking experiences with children after they have grown into adulthood to fulfill what they had missed. Denial is currently one of the most prevalent forms of evil found within humanity that must be reversed, otherwise humanity deserves to go extinct.

May the future of human offspring under the sun be truly bright and innocent.

The fountain of youth is now yours to play in,

Over and out. ~

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Youth Intimacy School Education (Y.I.S.E.)

Ultimate goal: Worldwide Humanitarian Equilibrium / Peace on Earth

Disciplinary studies in focus: Human Anatomy, Bodily Form and Function, Human Health and Medical Protocols, Respect, Relationships, Routine, Patience, Stillness, Endurance, Acceptance, Strength, Transcendence, Confidence, Honesty, Courage, Love, Friendship, Humanitarianism, Meditation, Sexuality, Ethics, etc.

Disclosure: Important human subjects such as Arithmetic, Science, Language Arts, Music, Creative Design, Food and Nutrition, Gym Exercise / Calisthenics, may be touched upon during in Y.I.S.E. classes, though initially should be learned at home or outside of class until Y.I.S.E. is complete around the student age of 10, when the opportunity to attend schools dedicated to pursuing further education of all kinds becomes available as the next personal step into growing older and wiser if desired.

Class time length: Ideally 7 hours a day – every day possible (weather permitting, etc.) for 7 years. The life of a human was meant to be lived much slower than the pace that modern culture has created for itself -and less materialistically- therefore to endure 7 years of this type of schooling is optimal for every young human being on the planet. The longevity expected of a human life under a more relaxed pace will increase life expectancy and decrease the mortality rate of a population overall. Modification of total class time: During the first two years of school for younger students, class may only need to be 5 hours long. It may even be possible that during the last two years of school, classes only need to be 5 hours in length. Everything can be adjusted to the point of near perfection once converted into action.

Preferred Y.I.S.E. student ages: Approximately 3-4 years old to 10-11 years old, for a total of 7 years of class during youth.

Community class size and structure: Ideally the standard will always be one-on-one (or more if necessary, Ex: two-to-one, three-to-one) guided lessons. Adult supervision is required for all lessons and exercises. Every student is permitted to have an intimate experience with the opposite sex, refraining from any penetrative intercourse from the male student’s penis into the female student’s vagina for sexual intercourse, or experimentation, specifically. Any orifice should not be penetrated except by light use of tongue, and/or the tip of a finger. To request for consent is a required matter during exercises when it should be done – which is also to be taught thoroughly by instructor to avoid anyone feeling violated. The variations in the ages of student partners available (and/or groups) acceptable and encouraged. Variations in boy/girl ratios within classes/groups will be naturally prevalent and will alter how and when the partnerships will be conducted during exercises. Temporary partnerships should alternate daily; every new day brings forth new experiences until everybody becomes familiar with each other and truly gets to know one another as the cycle repeats itself.

Curriculum / Lesson plans: Prior to any schooling: Blood tests, vaccination, etc.

1) Daily health inspection checks: Personal hygiene and of others, initially taught by parents and acceptable single adults, specifically as a group evaluation effort. 15 minute health inspection check of student from adult, following a 15 minute inspection check (test) by a student to their student partner for the day. If a student is not in good health, or does not have decent hygiene, they must not participate in exercises of intimate contact. (Total time: One hour, No clothing.)

2) Intimacy, Foreplay, and Sex Show Education Presentation by selected Teens / Adults (those who have graduated, alumnus / alumni) (Total time: One hour, No clothing.)

3) Learning about Yourself and Others through Intimacy: Ideally 30-minute sessions for each of the five exercises conducted with each partner for a total of 2.5 hours of intimate bodily exploration time per student. (Total time: 5 hours, No clothing. Indoors / Outdoors)

Description of Learning about Yourself and Others through Intimacy routine exercises: -Boy (young male) and Girl (young female) begin each exercise by standing face to face, naked. Psychology: Heterosexual contact should be initially practiced and focused on before homosexual / bisexual contact is requested / needed / desired by either sex.

-Boy explores the body of the Girl first, while girl remains standing and remaining still for each exercise lesson. Psychology: The boy should be given the chance to explore first considering the intrinsic impatience of the male personality and libido that tends to be very noticeable during young age. The roles of who gets to ‘explore’ and who gets ‘explored’ may be reversed when needed, decided upon arbitrarily by participants or the teacher / instructor. Exploration is not required under certain circumstances. (Total time: 2.5 hours) Girl explores the body of the Boy second, while boy remains standing and remaining still for each exercise lesson. (Total time: 2.5 hours)

Exercise 1– Seeing the body. Exercise 2– Smelling the body. Exercise 3– Touching the body. Exercise 4– Tasting the body. Exercise 5– Hearing the body. (The student’s eyes should be closed during this particular lesson)

Eating, drinking, urination, defecation, etc., may be a part -or occur- during exercises, and must also be witnessed by the partner, and teacher conducting the partners, if possible.

If a student feels uncomfortable during an exercise, they should at least stand naked in front of their partner until the end of an exercise, or their participation may be delayed until a solution to the problem is found. If a student feels uncomfortable during any lesson or class, the same protocol of finding a solution for them to enjoy being in school should be worked on. Y.I.S.E. is to be accepted like any other school of knowledge, and the meaning and goal of such education is to improve humanity starting at an early age.

No homework using physical materials for school curriculum required. ///

– After school, students may discuss what they have learned about each other, and how they feel on their own.

– Lessons will be taught until experimentation is no longer needed; until everyone learns to love themselves and others, no longer showing any signs of sexual frustration, desperation, or codependency.

– Graduation and Commencement: Finally having (responsible) sex if students desire. Remember: Love does not imply penetration / ‘fucking’.

– Alumni / Alumnus (of fully mature and adult age): Potential to become a Teacher / Instructor, Body Inspector, Sex Education Show Participant.

The implementation of this type of direct education for youth into societies which has been avoided for thousands of years -due to a lack of critical intelligence in combination with human insecurity and it’s gradual increase- should have been considered necessary, appropriate and commonplace beginning long ago during the evolution of human education, rather than what would currently be considered as ‘radical’ to establish in modern culture. This type of early age education may even seem ‘Utopian’, yet it truly is not: only challenging to an immature mind and considered difficult in the same way that medical school or even schools of Buddhism are described for example, though are both very real and respectable human phenomenons.

Philosophical note: The dominant culture of humanity has the ability to control what types of behavior are acceptable for everybody to choose and live by for it to possibly achieve and continuously experience harmony on the planet, and therefore the dominant culture must take responsibility for the quality of life it is capable of providing through persistent control through human consciousness. With that said, the actual overall quality of human life is far from where it needs to be, and by establishing Intimacy Schools for every community that were meant to exist in the first place since the beginning of human enlightenment -while putting Children First politically with heavily weighted importance that runs very deep within any culture- will dramatically help to fix our dominant problems of being human.

The author’s viewpoint taken to an extreme, for the sake of truth and understanding of the ‘big picture’: The history of humanity is interpreted as completely worthless during any time period that this type of education was not a part of it’s dominant structure, and will be viewed as such until it is completely accepted within all aspects of human nature. The reason why humanity is being described as ‘worthless’ here is because it’s apparent intention and purpose in struggling towards making something great out of itself; or to ‘make progress’; in my perspective is seen as counterproductive; as almost the entirety of humanity has not been able to incorporate what matters most into the fruits of all it’s labor in history yet. All of civilization is an invention of misconception propelled by deception since it’s beginning. What has been built cancels itself out if it was not built with the specific mindset of putting children first/loving children openly within a humanitarian and utilitarian purpose; because it could have been more advantageous if such ideas had been implemented; therefore it becomes worthless: a mistake that begets more mistakes. Humanity may be seen as worthless, yet there still is plenty of meaning to be found within it, even if it forever hinders more than in helps itself until extinction, or maybe sometime in the near future and for the first time in history will finally learn from all it’s major mistakes thus procuring great wisdom for the whole population before the self-destructive apocalypse begins. Humanity has not learned to cooperate with itself across the globe and simply is not pure at heart yet even on an individual level. Everything in the human realm could be better: even a child knows that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Essential Fundamental Building Blocks for a Worthwhile Life (List of ideals for humans in communities)

Righteousness: -love -virtue -ethics -control -stability -honesty -intimacy -direction -bioethics -kindness -discipline -hospitality -homogeny -equilibrium -cooperation -compassion -sustainability -consciousness -moneyless society -humanitarian focus -respect for children -free range education -respect for animal anarchy

Food: -organic -sustainable -permaculture -no factory farms -no industrial agriculture -a nutritional diet for optimal health

Space: -safe anarchist architecture using natural materials from the land, and/or with concrete (Brutalism) -spaces for all ages and specific ages -sex in public [same as all other creatures who mate, more acceptable than drugs, may prevent violence in sex] -nudism -community centers -community paths / the ‘flow’, ‘line’, ‘split’ and ‘passage’ (the purpose of travel, adventure, learning, exploration. added meaning to humanity – walk the earth, skateboard, bike, etc.) -public bath houses -free gyms and calisthenics equipment built into all public spaces (adult playgrounds) -hang out (anywhere) -everyone has shelter -spaces for each season -concerts/art exhibitions -‘good health zones’ (health screening before safe sex/orgy zones.)

Work: -hospitals/healthcare -technology (minimal) -upcycling > recycling -all trash has a second purpose (ex: turn trash into filler material or art – no more landfills, if trash is even created) -prisons (only for serious offenses) -assisted suicide/ euthanasia -medication/vaccines -medical technology (focus) -safe transportation of essential resources -electrical systems (kept at minimal) -water systems -little to no pollution -ethical farming

Pleasure: -travel the world -sexuality -education -playing -raising children -good health/exercise -art -music -technology (minimal) -meditation _______

Environmental Structure and Human Organization: — Community Paths (Pedestrian Paradise) and Community Centers (‘Stack and Tunnel’ Rectangular-Recreation Lines) — Medically-focused Deep-green Anarcho-humanitarian Collectivism

Essential Cultural Discipline (Ethics of Paradise): — Keep humanity stable by putting Children First: This is the answer everyone is looking for.

1. Stabilize humanity by always putting children first. 2. As a parent or a teacher in your community, focus on educating all children about honesty, love, ethics, discipline and humanitarianism specifically through intimacy.

Note: Love does not imply fucking. — Seek intimacy, stability, control, love, and discipline with other humans. Seek equilibrium with all creatures on the planet and leave wild nature alone.

[dustedandsocial]

One thing and an Other thing

The One Thing:

After many failures in the world of responsible adulthood, I decided in 2010 that I would go full throttle into music distro and record label management. And for a fleeting moment, things were working out in my favor.

But let me back up. I had been having bizarre sleeping patterns going all the way back into my childhood, that no insomnia or depression diagnosis nor medication could ever fix. I never got an answer from a doctor that explained my sleep problems.

Essentially, my body and brain think that a day is 25 hours long. If you pause on that fact for a second, what becomes clear is that my sleep schedule rotates around the clock in a never-ending cycle. This had been the case for me from the age of 10, but clinical research studies were few and far between for most of my life.

Then in the summer of 2011 I learned for the first time that my vague sleeping issue was in fact a disorder, although I didn’t yet know the full extent of the limitations it imposed. Which is why for years I kept thinking there would be some way for me to keep working, despite being fired every time I tried to do so. I mostly lived on an annuity until I was 20 ($1047 per month), which came from a court decision when I was little (my mother committed suicide in a hospital and a court found them responsible, granting settlements to each of my family members). I kept thinking I could dance around extreme sleep fluctuations and pull myself up from the ground by my bootstraps, but I only ever fell back on my annuity.

When I was 12, the cops would show up at my house, wake me up, and drive me to school (my dad was a welder and made an early exit to work at 4:30am). Those near-truancies — as well as all the successful truancies! — along with my insistence on bringing alcohol in my backpack to school, smoking in the bathroom, getting high before school with friends, and stealing car stereos from the high school parking lot, all led me to multiple arrests, finally getting me the boot form junior public high school. There was also the despair of losing my mother at the age of 9, which was certainly an important aspect to all of this maladjustment, if not the most central factor.��

But without a cop showing up at my house, I’d wake up around 5PM.

At 13, I was placed in an “alternative school” (aka a program for trouble makers and drug dealers). Most students would sail though towards a diploma, being graded on video game scores, pick-up basketball games, and honest-to-god fantasy basketball gambling leagues (that I several times created for school credit!). We had smoke breaks twice a day in school, and I even sold one of my teacher’s pot. I only showed up half the school year, yet somehow graduated a half-year early at the age of 17. Basically, our ”alternative learning program” was a way for the school district to fudge numbers and make it look like they had rehabilitated kids. I managed to graduate High School easily without my disability playing a major factor. It all felt like being home schooled but with no parents or curriculum to help. Hence why five years into a dedicated leftist education, I can still barely understand Marxist arguments around value theory.

It would still be 11 years from my graduation until I learned about my sleep disorder, so the following years would be spent tossing and turning, going to work and class after being up 24 hours, often crashing at hour 40, then sleeping 24 hours straight to make up for massive sleep deprivation. I’d get fired left and right, girlfriends and family members had no idea what to express to me other than their lack of faith that I could ever get my shit together (and I believed as much myself, because what other explanation was there?)

I decided to work online in 2010 as I began 80/81 Records, as well as work part-time in physical space, all just to scrounge up enough money for distro items and record pressings. I started off with some relative success. I was the first in the US to distro Australian titles like Deaf Wish, Woolen Kits, Mad Nanna, Teen Archer, etc (all even before Bruce’s Easter Bilby!). I had a plethora of reissue releases from the Memoire Neuve label, as well that beautiful Les Olivensteins reissue LP. I even sold a sketchy Chosen Few bootleg to True Anon’s own Brace Belden (aka PissPigGrandad). 

By the age of 30, my body started to fall apart.Within a few years, despite a few solid releases on 80/81, I had to give up on a slew of planned record releases and call it quits. All were thankfully rescued by a couple of friendly labels, with masters sent off to a few others. These were: Mosquito Ego’s “Plomb” LP (thanks @ever-never-records), Pustostany’s “2012″ LP (shout out to the great Sweet Rot), Shovels S/T (thanks to Homeless Records), and Expert Alterations 12″ (Slumberland), and the Virvon Vavron EP, later taken care of by Girlsville Records. There was also the Human Hair "My Life As A Beast And Lowly Form” LP, which came in lieu of a 7″ I had planned for them (still streamable on the 80/81 Bandcamp). Sorry to all these fantastic bands! There was no label in the last decade better at not releasing records!

Nearly as long as I’ve been using this tumblr, I’ve been disabled. However, I didn’t realize I was *officially* disabled per the US government until last year, nor did I know that my condition was an incurable neurological disorder. In fact, it’s technicality not a sleep disorder. If earth had the rotational position of Mars, my circadian rhythms would be perfectly in sync. I've never brought it up here, I never wanted it to be a factor in how I presented myself, and I never wanted this to be a personal blog about my plight. But I can't in good conscience hide this aspect of myself any longer, while so many other disabled folks are engaged in fights for all of our rights, including those beyond the disabled community. 

Oh, and the other thing: 

I figured out last month that I am NOT a heterosexual guy. Queer? Omnisexual? How about "not straight”? Why did it take me so long to face up to this? Well, growing up in a poor and violent neighborhood meant that I needed to latch onto anything at a young age in order to keep myself safe. I could under no circumstances continue to endure the abuse that happened when I was very young, that I thought would come back my way if I opted out of a "straight"  “tough” identity. And even with that identity, I felt an inexplicable terror at all times, that seemed like it was seeping through the air, like it was the blood gushing from behind the hotel walls in “The Shining”. In order to avoid the terror, I had to act out in an extreme way so no one would question me. I’d always be the first to tell adults off. I’d always be the one to break into a house. I always be the first to steal, or mouth off to a cop. I did get choked by a cop once, which was also tame compared to the beatings my black and Hispanic friends received. But I also hated fighting, so that style of acting out was mostly a dodge and redirection of attention.

But so many toxic ideas overtook me over the years. While I may not have been outwardly homophobic as an adult, I no doubt policed my own behavior for decades, not allowing myself vulnerability, not allowing myself comfort, robbing myself of joy. And it took me three decades to shake that straight identity loose.

I think this straight identity I adopted though trauma is common for men, even though whose childhoods weren’t as traumatic as mine. That isn't to say that those who adopt it are closeted, but the ideology driving performative straight male expression can cut off naturally heterosexual men from understanding themselves and what it is that they most desire, who they want to connect with, what makes them complete. Heterosexuality as ideology is a giant fucking scam. You get nothing out of it, maybe an early death from a heart attack.

But I’m also happier now than I’ve ever been. When I gave up the straight identity, I completely gave up fear, and in ways far beyond matters of sexuality. That straight identity also policed how I though of women, and since I’ve been free of it, my relation to women has changed significantly. 

And now

I’m fighting month after month to get on disability and food stamps (I’ve been denied for disability seven times in eight years, and food stamps were just cut in RI). When all is sorted I’m going to join radical orgs in Providence. From here to there and beyond, it’s class struggle.

Had our welfare state not been decimated, or had we decommodified health care and housing, I would have never had to jump through so many hoops for ultimately no help. When I lacked diagnosis, I could have lived with dignity while I waited for an explanation of my issues, if only the society had a non-bureaucratic solution to personal crisis. I’m a “lumpen” of a sort, but I’m also now a committed small-c communist and queer. Sorry apolitical people, but the fight will be intense for the remainder of all our lives.

[subtlesunflow3r]

Unintended Consequences of Strict Drug Laws

By: Victoria Bartholomew 

Everyone knows that you live life dealing with the consequences of your own actions, whether good or bad. Everything that you do has a consequence to it, even if it is a good consequence. However, majority of people automatically associate the negative connotation of consequence when they encounter that word.  

Though consequences can be either good or bad, they can also be unintended. Sounds kind of odd right? Hear me out and think about it in the sense of strict parents. Having parents that love and care for you is essential for having a good upbringing. Your parents think they are doing what is best for you by being harsher with their punishments as well having full control and restricting a lot of things that other parents allow their kids to do. Things like go to parties or stay the night at friends' houses on weekdays. Things that are so normal for some, are exotic adventures for others.

Now I am sure you are thinking, “okay well what does this have to do with unintended consequences?” and that is where it becomes interesting. If a teenager lives under stricter rules in their household, then it can cause them to become rebellious and sneaky, causing them to lie in order to get what they want. Strict parents seem to create some of the sneakiest kids. 

You might be wondering if I am stating this from personal experience, and all I can say to that is its entirely up to your imagination.  

Which leads me to my next point, having strict parents causes unintended consequences and so does having strict drug laws. What you may or may not know is that the stricter the drug laws, the harder the war on drugs becomes.  

However, what is the war on drugs and how do strict drug laws, unintended consequences and this war all tie together? Glad you asked, let’s get into it, then shall we?  

War On Drugs- A Little History  

All the facts presented to you can be found at https://www.drugpolicy.org/issues/brief-history-drug-war 

We are the Drug Policy Alliance.  

Did you know that a lot of current illegal drugs have been used for thousands of years for different purposes? Did they ever teach you in school about how cocaine used to be commonly used by dentist as an anesthetic for their patients?  

I remember learning about that story in high school as well as college. However, drugs such as cocaine and marijuana, psychedelics and opium became illegal over time and are all currently illegal except for medicinal use of marijuana in some states.

According to We are the Drug Policy Alliance  

All the fact in this next segment can be found at https://www.drugpolicy.org/issues/brief-history-drug-war

In the early 1900’s the first anti-cocaine law was put into place. This law was directed towards African American men within the South and in the 1910’s as well as 20’s anti-marijuana laws were created within the Midwest as well as Southwest.  

This new law was directed towards Mexican migrants as well as Mexican Americans. These drug laws were all target to races that were not Caucasian, which has portrayed this idea of drug laws being directed towards minority groups mostly.  

All fact credit goes to https://www.drugpolicy.org/issues/brief-history-drug-war We are the Drug Policy Alliance.  

Did you know that President Nixon was the individual who declared the war on drugs? Me either, but it happened in June of 1971.  

According to the We are the Drug Policy Alliance President Nixon took drastic measures when he declared the war on drugs. He increased law enforcement efforts to have a higher presence of the federal drug control agencies as well as pushing for no-knock warrants as well as mandatory sentences. However, he was advised that marijuana possession and distribution for personal uses should be decriminalized but he did not care too much for that recommendation.  

Over time there was a period when states started to decriminalize marijuana possession, but just as soon as that started, it ended. Parents started to become very concerned with the number of young teens that were using marijuana and the law shifted back to focusing on making marijuana illegal. By the 1980’s and 90’s incarceration rates to skyrocket due to the enlargement of the drug war.

At this time Ronald Reagan was in this term, and within his presidency it stated the long period of increased incarceration rates that lead to over 400,000 individuals to be put behind bars for nonviolent drug offenses according to Betsy Pearl. This created the notion for the zero tolerance policies within the mid-to-late 1980’s and programs such as Dare were implement and quickly adopted throughout America, even with there being deficiency of any evidence that it was in any way effective.

The information that I have given by Betsy Pearl can be supported at  

https://www.americanprogress.org/issues/criminal-justice/reports/2018/06/27/452819/ending-war-drugs-numbers/

With drugs laws being so strict, it seemed to create more problems than it solved in terms of the war on drugs.  

Why Is This a Big Deal? Don’t We Have More Important Things to Worry About?  

A lot of issues arise when it comes to the war on drugs, a lot of them are obvious right off the back, while others tend to get look over. It is no secret at this point that most people have caught onto the racial disparities within the judicial system, not just in terms of the war on drugs.  

It gets portrayed within the media when there are cases of police brutality as well as shows about death row and the individuals who swear they were wrongly accused of the crime. This same issue arises when dealing with the war on drugs, because it seems that the laws seem to coincide with racial disparities.  

It is no secret that African American men are more likely than Caucasian men to get arrested for drug-related charges. This sadly might not surprise a lot of people; it might honestly not surprise anyone really.  

So why is this a big deal? It is a big deal because it disproportionately puts individuals behind bars and treats one group unfairly to such a miserable extent. The judicial system receives a lot of backlash when it comes to funding, because people do not understand the real cost of jails and prisons.  

There is an overall bias when it comes to drug users and jails. As I have learned over my four years of college, many people want to get these individuals off the streets and just let them rot in jail. People do not care to look at just how much of an impact this has on society not only socially, but also economically.  

What individuals might not realize is that it cost the hard-working taxpayers more money to keep people in jail.  Besty Pearl stated that in 2015 it was found that the federal government spent $9.2 million dollars a day just to keep people with drug-related charges locked up.  

You can read more about what Betsy Pearl has to say about all of this in the following link.  

https://www.americanprogress.org/issues/criminal-justice/reports/2018/06/27/452819/ending-war-drugs-numbers/

Even without having to do the math of how much that would cost the American people annually, it comes out to a ridiculously massive number.  

Do you remember how early I talked about these “unintended consequences”? Well the annual cost for the American people is one of those unintended consequences caused from the war on drugs. The government, when they started the war on drugs, did not intend for the increase in drug-related arrest to cause a financial burden on the hard-working taxpayers.  

However, it is a very heavy financial burden, as well as does nothing to help with reduction of substance abuse and misuse. If anything, according to Betsy Pear, it has been linked with increased overdoses for individuals once they are released from jail. This is another unintentional consequence to strict drug laws and the war on drugs. It was never the government's intention for individuals to have higher risks of dying once they are released from prison for drug-related charges.  

It is just something that came out of what seemed like a promising end to a drug crisis. The governments intentions were to get drugs off the streets and reduce the rate of crime caused by drugs, but it seems that instead it only created more problems.  

So, What Does It All Mean? What are all the unintended consequences?

It might strike you as confusing when trying to decipher what all of this is supposed to mean. What I am trying to explain is that having strict drug laws is not an effective way to reduce drug-related crime and only causes more issues than it fixes. It gives police a gateway to racial profiling and gives minorities unfair advantages within a court of law.

It causes higher incarceration rates for crimes that are not nearly as dangerous or threatening. It increases drug related crime since people can not report any actions taken against them to authorities. It keeps the black market running, since more serious drug users will do what they need to get their fix. These are all consequences I would hope that the government never intended to happen when trying to reduce the drug use in America.

References

1.“A Brief History of the Drug War.” Drug Policy Alliance. Accessed May 9, 2020.                                                         https://www.drugpolicy.org/issues/brief-history-drug-war.

2.Pearl, Betsy. “Ending the War on Drugs: By the Numbers.” Center for American Progress. Accessed May 9, 2020. https://www.americanprogress.org/issues/criminal-justice/reports/2018/06/27/452819/ending-war-drugs-numbers/.

3. “Drug Policy.” Criminal Justice Policy Foundation. Accessed May 9, 2020.                                                           https://www.cjpf.org/drug-policy.

[the-sixth-lion-blog]

Things Happen For a Reason... Unless You Write For Voltron

There are tons of continuity errors and full on missing character arcs. So many, in fact, that I wonder if they didn't know how many seasons they were cleared for or how much time they had.

Has Lance Always Been Like That?

The Lance I met was a relatable character. Erratic, rash, defensive, but also empathetic, loyal and infectiously optimistic. Still, he's... The dumb one. That's his main title, the running joke, the flatness of his character.

So where did this suave, sweater wearing, humble nerd come from? He uses words that indicate a college reading level. He is capable of expressing his thoughts and emotions with beautiful fluency. It doesn't feel right.

This is a massive change from his fairly well developed character arc of him finding a place in the team, growing as a sharp shooter, being uplifting and learning selflessness. It also completely undermines his budding brotherhood with Keith to let him go have fun with Allura. Sure, we all like a well dressed Lance who uses big words and likes... Farming?

Yeah, so nothing about Lance's love for piloting persisted past Voltron I guess. His extreme passion for being in a team, his clear ability to shoot and his love of flying and exploring must have diminished the second he touched Earth and transformed into a completely different and unrelated field of work. I understand that, I promise, but it doesn't seem like Lance, who spent years overcoming his intrinsic dumbness to be a pilot at the garrison. We see him struggle for this! He wanted it.

He loved it.

And Speaking of Love

Guess what, this isn't going where you think it is!

That's right! Friend love!

These guys are best friends. They hang out, they know each other, they spend excruciating amounts of time stuck with each other at the Garrison on ships. So why does that all nearly disintegrate come Voltron? Lance and Hunk almost never exchange memories of their time at the Garrison. Anyone who has moved knows how fast those memories of their old life flow. And Pidge completely isolates herself. If you didn't know it you would never guess the three had been a lovely little friend group.

No wonder Lance had such a crisis when Keith showed him up as a pilot. Hunk and Pidge are immediately emotionally distant, his hero Shiro thinks he's a dumbass and he has to live on a crazy space castle with the usually angry and creepy closeted emo kid (adored by Shiro, who don't forget is Lance's #1 role model) who is somehow also clearly better than him.

Their friendship has been reduced to filler episodes.

Was That Shiro Cowering in a Corner or am I Imagining Things?

Nope. There it is.

Wow. Well. If I'm not mistaken this man has a rocket arm that delivers swift and capable punches. Now, that is clearly not as important to the show as his arm wrestling capability but if the writers wanted Shiro to have true, consistent and well written PTSD I would have accepted that as an explanation for his sudden inability to fight. But seeing as Shiro's nothing but traumatizing past (torture, losing his arm, being made to fight for his life in a space Colosseum while grappling with the existence of fully developed alien life that is trying to end earth, losing Sam and Matt, being trapped in a Lion, suffering the loss of Adam) has had almost no effect on his life past serving to provide minor exposition or to give Keith a chance to do something.

To further this point, here is a list of every time Shiro (not Kuron) got into a fight before and after Keith became black paladin. Here, a fight is if Shiro was outside of Voltron and engaged in any hand to hand combat or was injured by a malevolent being that was targeting him.

Ep 3 S1

Ep 4 S1

Ep 8 S1

Ep 9 S1

Ep 12 S1

Ep 13 S1

Ep 1 S2

Ep 3 S2 (in flashbacks)

Ep 4 S2

Ep 6 S2

Ep 7 S2 (in the astral plane)

Ep 10 S2

Now let's skip ahead.... 4 seasons... Oh man

Ep 12 S7

that's it

Ah. Hm. I think the data speaks for itself, don't you?

So what in the world happened to Shiro, gladiator and protectorate who would die for his team? When the enemy infiltrates his ship and attacks his friends, he is transformed into an inexplicably incapable soldier.

Shiro Actually Married "Adam", if You're Hard of Hearing

Have you happen to have heard the video guide for the ending of the last episode?

I'm a little skeptical of the source so let me know if this is incorrect. If it's real audio then I'm just disappointed.

Full Metal Paladin, Brotherhood

Sorry for forcing the title but it's the best thing that came to mind.

Keith and Shiro are close. Since they met, Shiro has been gently guiding Keith to his best path. Their bond is undeniable.

Out of all of the paladins, Keith should understand Shiro the best. So why in the world does Keith never bother to check in with Shiro? Strange migraines, not feeling like himself, making unnatural decisions? I doubt that anyone would see this as a warning sign for "clone," but anyone who has claimed a close friendship with someone will be concerned when they begin acting erratically. When Shiro mentions how terrible he's feeling-

(here is where I used up my image allowance so just imagine what I put in brackets)

He gets no response, and even Keith ignores his joyous outburst of "I feel so much better!". There's an appropriate "friend" response to that that Shiro does not receive from anyone. Keith, above all other paladins, is likely to know just how much Adam meant to Shiro, but Keith doesn't supply a shoulder to lean on at any moment. The writers want us to know that Keith loves Shiro. In what exact way I care not to delve into, though I would personally argue in a brotherly way. So why does Keith let Shiro's heart waste away like this?

[Shiro being sad which happens a lot actually]

Me too, Shiro. Me too.

The Allura of Power is Too Great

Why did the white lion choose Allura if not because of her intrinsic incorruptible self? And what changed in her heart or the story to make her seek dark power? She got infected with S1 Lance disease I suppose, because all of a sudden she's being dangerous and thoughtless.

[Allura opening up the stupid case and letting that thing out]

In s8, the situation is pretty dire. But it was dire before. She already learned not to trust Lotor, but then you know, he shows up and looks like Lance a little bit and that's enough for her to open up her arms and give dark alchemy a great big hug.

The white lion chose her over Lotor because she was bright and accepted her fate for the future of everything she held dear. What became of her, and why did we only see this change truly take form with less than an hour of the entire series left?

[White Lion jumping around with Allura]

Thanks for Making it Through This Post

There are hundreds of other things that I could mention, and feel free to add on to this with your own opinions! I know this isn't exactly plot continuity but characterization continuity. I hope that is okay! If you want me to focus more on plot next time, let me know 😊

[bat-revival]

So, I've never really done something like this before but I really have the urge to just scream into the void and I don't want to keep using my boyfriend and my friends as emotional dumpsters. So please, feel free to just ignore this.

It's stupid really, because everything I'm feeling right now was triggered by a stupid teenage coming of age series with a stupid love triangle where the girl ends up with the wrong guy (imho).

So, it's late over here, it's nearly 3 am and everything hurts. My life is deeply unsatisfying as it is (this doesn't apply to my boyfriend, he's great and I love him very much and he's my rock and lifeline but I also don't want to burden him too much with my baggage) with uni and me trying to figure out what to do next, but also with the climate crisis, the rise of nationalism and fascism and war right around the corner. I know these are things everyone's struggling with and I'm not alone with these fears and uncertainties.

It's just... I fail at doing the simplest tasks. I can't concentrate and it takes me a million years to do the shortest uni assignments, if I can actually get myself to start in the first place.

I feel like I'm constantly disappointing everyone. For example, i have a deep fear of driving cars (my driving teacher was a huge asshole who made me feel stupid, small and insecure behind the wheel and it kinda stuck) and my bf and I had to drive a lot this past month (and I mean A LOT- our hometown is 4 hours away by car). My bf usually drives because he enjoys it and he won't really let me drive because I once had a panic attack behind the wheel while he was there. But now we had a fight because I don't drive but at the same time he won't let me. So yesterday I put my foot down and insisted on driving for a few hours and it was alright I guess, I mean I CAN drive, but it was so fucking hard for me to concentrate, my mind was constantly wandering and I couldn't do shit about it which was really fucking scary and staying focused was exhausting. It was super shameful because driving feels like such a simple adult task yet I'm failing at it and when I had finally parked the car I couldn't even be proud for driving despite my fears.

And this seems to apply to every aspect of my life. Being afraid and insecure, trying hard to focus, doing alright but under so much Stress that it's just a horrible experience anyway.

I have a lot of friends but I don't really feel close to them. And it's my fault, I try to keep a little distance because I tend to like them a lot more than they me and it always hurts to have that realization. It's happened a lot, in fact it happened last just before my birthday in June. It's also hard for me to keep contact with people via social media, I guess that's why people always like me less. It makes confiding in people harder ,too.

The fact that I'm dealing with depression and anxiety since I was fifteen doesn't really help the overall situation and I constantly need to consume media to drown out the noise in my head, which in turn doesn't help my concentration problem. I used to self harm a lot, but I stopped after my current bf begged me to. Now I haven't done anything physical for three and a half years but my fingers are always itching and I can't even buy this fancy skin friendly razor because it needs "real" blades and I can't trust myself around them because I constantly feel a *need*. I watch my scars closely and they're starting to fade which lead to another panic attack because i kind of need to see my scars to know that everything was and is still very real and that I'm not making it all up.

I haven't actively thought about killing myself for 9 years now, so that's good I guess. but I also just really really don't want to live.

I also recently had covid for the first time and it really took a toll on my lungs and I have a few breathing problems. They're getting better ,sure, but right now, I haven't been able to excercise for 5 weeks. Normally, I excercise 4 to 5 times a week. And all this sitting around is driving me insane. I want to run and I want to scream, i want to lift heavy stuff and feel in control for once. my skin crawls and itches and I can't let it out.

On top of everything, my grandma died very suddenly three weeks ago. There was a sudden and unexplainable bleeding in her head that damaged the entire brain, they didn't even try surgery because she was gone immediately. I mean, her body lived, but she was gone. I had talked to her around noon on the same day and everything was fine and not even 6 hours later she collapsed.

We were very close and I miss her so much. She was such a guiding light and inspiration for me, I'll never meet anyone like her again. Life without her seems impossible and unreal , yet time keeps flying. June in general lasted for 20 years and July isn't looking much better.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep, but I can't. I feel so stuck and nothing makes sense and I just don't want to live this life anymore.

And now, this girl chose the wrong guy and I simply burst into tears. It's so stupid and I can't even explain myself but everything came to the surface and I'm just trying to beat my feelings with a stick so that they'll go into hiding again.

I miss life. I miss being excited. I miss looking forward to things. I miss waking up without immediately worrying.

Ugh alright, thank you tumblr for letting me rant. I know this is a downer and I hope people don't read this and feel sad. I just needed a place to put all this. Half of this might not even make sense and I'm sure I have forgotten a few things but I don't think that's important, because I actually feel better now. Sigh. Maybe I do need a therapist again.

[chronicbatfictioner]

Subtle - Chapter 9

"We're going where??"

"Washington. I've cleared it with BatDad and he just... I dunno, kinda smirked and said, 'have fun!' - which made me even more scared than this date itself. I mean, they're BFFs, right? It's not like I stole this jet. Penny-one even put something in that box... I think we're supposed to give some kind of gift for the host and--" Jason rattled on for nearly a minute before he caught Tim's blank glare. "Oh, hi, you there?"

"I think my brain jumped out of the plane somewhere between state lines."

They were on their way to Washington, DC, on a Saturday night because Princess Diana of Themiscyra had extended the invitation to Bruce Wayne to send his two sons, Jason Todd and Tim Drake, to join her for a dinner. Said invitation was sent by courier (i.e. The Flash because Diana has a sense of humor) - complete with receipt and everything, and was duly accepted by Alfred. Alfred promptly prepared two dress-suits for his two boys, and demanded that "Master Wayne shall loan you his jet, young masters, have fun."

Tim had not reacted obnoxiously, if at all, when Jason picked him up from his Crime Alley loft and drove him to the private jet airport near Wayne Manor. He'd only looked up quizzically once, as they drove past the Manor, and looked at the suit Jason told him to put on. But he did not ask any question, too busy with whatever crisis that was happening in his cellphone.

It was only when they finally boarded the jet, with Jason taking the pilot's seat, that he'd asked. Jason had replied, "we're going to dinner." and when Tim did not press, Jason had thought that he'd simply forgotten of the invitation. Until, well, until somewhere between takeoff and now. "We'll land in about five minutes." Jason said. It was excessive, all things considered, to take a jet. But Alfred insisted and said that it was 'improper for a gentleman to appear ruffled for a royal dinner,' - and somehow, Diana had approved and provided a landing zone.

Why, Jason didn't know, either. But hey, who was he to object to a princess? Or a loan of a private jet? Or a 30-minutes flight compared to a 3-4 hours drive?

The landing zone, true to Diana's nature, was in a military base; and they were picked up by some military people who insisted upon driving them back to 'Miss Prince' in a Hummer.

Good thing that they had listened to Alfred's advise and wore suits, not armors. It would be awkward to explain why Red Hood and Red Robin was there to meet Diana Prince; and less so in explaining why Tim Drake-Wayne would come to see Diana Prince. Tim's flustered, "she asked for us to come..." helped a lot.

At the front door, Tim still asked, "why are we here, again?"

To which Jason glibly replied, "the Princess demand our presence for dinner." Judging from a soft snicker given by one of the soldiers, it was the correct, un-suspicious answer. "Good thing we're trained on how to behave around royals." Another snicker - and Jason couldn't be assed to tell the snickerer that they, in fact, had been trained to behave around royals by the Almighty Alfred Pennyworth. Sir Alfred. Jason fleetingly thought that if Alfred hasn't been knighted by now, someone at the Buckingham Palace should have their head removed.

"Come on in, young men!" Diana greeted them. She, as per usual, looked radiant in a long, flowing gown. Silencing the little voice in his head that mentioned the fact that she could have been wearing a potato sack and would look incredible, anyway, Jason gently ushered Tim and they both kissed Diana's cheek gallantly. Alfred would have been proud. Gift was exchanged, and it turned out to be truffle chocolates. Hand-made by Alfred, to which Tim excellently presented because rich kids like him would know how to present a gift for a host. Jason would probably simply hand it over and say 'it's from Alfred.'

Dinner, as everything that was Diana, were magnificent, superb and not minuscule-sized like the food in Bruce's gala dinners. And Jason paid full attention at their taste, and how Tim reacted to them, fully taking a mental note to ask for the recipes of the ones Tim seemed to enjoy the most. The wild boar ribs might be a little tricky, but looked like it was worth catching a whole damn wild boar if Jason could find one.

"So, Timothy," Diana started.

"Yes?" Tim replied politely around the line of ribs.

"I believe just about everyone and their super-grandmothers have gone and fussed over you, yes?"

Tim chewed a little slower, and replied, "I have no idea what you mean by 'fussing'. But if you're referring to how they all have meddled and put my relationship with Jason under a microscope and proverbial and actual X-rays, yes they have. I presume you're going to do the same?"

Jason did not choke on his water, nope. He almost did, but then remembered that this was Tim, who did not fear even Superman and made Ra's Al Ghul rethinking his life choices.

Diana's smile was sweet, but laced with a little danger. "Well yes, only not for the same reason. You see, I've known Jason since he was... quite a young cub, I'd say."

"Yes, I know. I've also heard from Bruce that he's your favorite Robin," Tim grinned. "I'm just enjoying the idea that, after everyone went to Jason and put a permanent death warrant on him if he would ever hurt me, at least you're here to do the other way around."

"I am," Diana beamed. "Bruce warned me that you would be smart enough to call my bluff? But my dear Timothy, I should also remind you that I don't bluff."

"I know, I get it. He's..." Tim looked at Jason fondly, and Jason hid his blush behind a grilled rib. "I get it, though. People asked me if he's good enough for me, and no one asked if I think I'm good enough for him - and they all forgot that if evil didn't happen, he and I might have ended up like this a lot sooner. You know? I just... a lot of time I wondered if they would act the same if I'd been the Red Hood, and Jason was Red Robin, you know what I mean? If they would be so harsh on me like they are on him, forgetting everything he'd done way back then..." he shrugged. "I'm glad you're... on his side, Diana."

Diana smiled, less dangerously, this time. "A war is never won by just the soldiers, Timothy, they are won by the generals." she offered a non-sequitur. That is, non-sequitur if one's life doesn't generally revolve around wars big and small or inter-galactic like the three of them.

Jason turned a little to look at Diana, wary at the direction of the impending question.

"What are you, Timothy?"

Tim pondered the question for a moment, while Jason pretended he didn't care by stuffing his mouth with the broccoli.

"I'm sure everyone wants to be a general. I'm sure people think I'm a general... a mini-general, at least for the Titans. But what I am, really, is an experienced soldier." Tim replied, sounding a little subdued. "I don't want to be in the war, Diana. I wanted to help people. Just that. It's simple. It should be simple. But as it was, is, and will be, it's never simple. Not when help is seen as the proverbial fish, you know what I mean? --instead of the proverbial rod. What I am is a soldier. Maybe I'll eventually die in battle. Maybe - hopefully - I'll weather the war and come up on the other side, some day. But what I don't want to be is the general.

"I can think like one, sure. Like Batman. Like Luthor. Like Ra's Al Ghul. But their thoughts hurt... hurt me. There is no end of their visions. There is no happy ever after. And maybe, maybe I just want a happy ever after..."

Jason cleared his throat. "Okay, enough with the questioning, I think. The mood just turned the wine sour." he commented. He couldn't reach over the table and he wanted to, if only to wipe that solemn, forlorn look out of Tim's face.

Diana's smile was a little brighter. "I am not sure if I should give you wine or not, Jason, so that is grape juice in your glass." she remarked.

"Hey! I'm actually 21!" Jason protested.

"Ah, right. I keep seeing you as the 15-year-old boy I once knew..." she signaled someone, and a goblet and bottle of wine appeared next to Jason.

"Shouldn't you stay sober? I mean, we still gotta go back home, you know. And I don't think you can afford crashing Bruce's jet..." Tim commented.

"Live a little, Timber! Besides, you're the designated driver." Jason grinned impishly.

"That is so unfair..." Tim grumbled.

"You may have wine, too, just a sip, if you want." Diana offered. "I am amused at the American's insistence that their children should not be introduced to wine until a certain age, whilst they are not protected from violence in general. But," she shrugged. "'when in Rome...', I guess. Wine, Timothy?"

"Eh... no, thanks. I actually really rather stay sober." Tim refused politely. "Yes, Jay, I know the jet has autopilot. I just prefer to stay sober, thanks."

"One sip isn't gonna make you tipsy, Timmy. But you know what? Whatever float your boat."

The flight back home was quiet, save a few questions from Alfred in the comms of their ETA and some technical questions - like 'who was flying' and whether the pilot is sober. Diana had wondered out loud if she should let them go back home, since it was late - at 11.30-ish. They assured her that it's not late for them batkids. She'd hugged them both, whispering to Jason, "be happy, Jason."; and something else that Jason couldn't hear to Tim.

Curiosity won, and Jason decided to ask. "What did Diana tell you when she hugged you?"

Tim smirked. "What did she tell you?"

"For me to be happy. You?"

"The same, with added, 'I've been told that it is a custom to tell a young man: you hurt your lover, I'll break both your legs and arms.' - quote-unquote. Apparently, Green Arrow suggested that, thinking she would be saying that to you."

"I'm hurt. Right here. After all I've done with Roy and all..." Jason pointed to his chest mockingly. A thought suddenly crossed Jason's mind. "Hey Tim?"

"Hmm... we're ten minutes out. What?"

"We're actually a couple, aren't we?"

"If you're thinking of changing your mind now, nearly eight weeks after the first time you asked me out on a date, you're a little too late."

"I'm not gonna." Jason assured him.

Tim was quiet for a few moments as Jason adjusted the plane's instruments for landing. And then he asked, "you know, I never knew why you suddenly decided you want to date me and woo me with food..."

Jason's memories flew back to the alternate reality, and he looked at Tim. "Let's just say I was given the chance to see that being with you is a lot better option than not." he grinned toothily.

"That's really cheesy." Tim quipped.

"I should let you know that I'm the king of Cheese and I've read a lot of them Harlequin novels."

"That... ew. If you ever think of spreading rose petals on the bed for me, I should let you know right now that I'm allergic to blatant cheesiness." Tim chuckled, "Landing gear down."

"Weeell... there goes my Valentine plans!" Jason mock-gasped. "How about lining up a few blocks of Narrows with bad guys you can punch all the way to the Penthouse, and then have some big-bad in the Penthouse - also so you can punch? That be a good V-day for you?"

Tim's laughter was a little delayed as he landed the plane perfectly. But it still sounded like music to Jason. "Oh, Jay-bear, you sure know how to woo a vigilante!" Tim sing-songed.

Jason just grinned when Tim looped an arm across his waist, in his jacket, as they walked to their waiting car. The night was still young, for bats, but it was still quiet. He has Tim, laughing quietly in Jason's arms. And Jason thought of the rooftop frolicking he'd seen in the alternate universe some months ago.

Maybe someday he'll be able to show Tim what he'd wanted, and how he's working to get it. Maybe someday Tim would get the happy-ever-after he told Diana. Jason just hoped that he, too, would be in it - he knew that he would work hard, short of selling his soul to be there.

Maybe someday they won't have to put on so much armor to fight the bads of Gotham, or elsewhere. Tonight, Jason didn't know who started it, but a few hours later, he found himself chasing Spoiler, who was Chasing Black Bat, who was chasing Tim, while Jason was being chased by Nightwing. The night was filled with happy shrieks and indignant squawks when somebody got tagged. The shrill, child-like growl of "I shall decimate you, Nightwing!" followed with a red-yellow-and-green blur told Jason that even the grumpy new little Robin has been roped in into the game.

For the first time in a very, very long time, Jason's smile felt just right on his face.

Even if he was tagged next - mid-flight and made him nearly missed his landing - by Tim.

"I'll get you, Red!" he threatened, quickly following the happy cackle. Oooh, he'll get Tim, alright.