#but I am feeling wayy better than I did when I first started my break

[brosif40]

Hey friend, you alright? Just checking in since you haven't reblogged or posted anything for nearly a week. If you're taking a break from tumblr, it's all good. 💙

(Was gonna wait til Monday to answer this but I'm impatient dgsjgdd)

Yes I'm doing alright, my mental health has just gotten bad lately- so I decided to go on break from posting on here for a little bit. Sorry I really didn't say anything about it publicly, but mental health stuff does that sometimes yaaaay :'3

[vole-mon-amour]

2x05, part 2.

Kaz is like, "Do I look like a person who's gonna do any of your nonsense?" And with those bruises, lmaooo. "My husband" what a sigh your 'husband' is, lmaooo. Again, she's the the only one who can pull that off. They can kinda flirt and are borderline romantic, but in reality they're such platonic pals. <3 I adore their relationship in the book.

WHEEZING. Only she can pull that off without punished for that, lmaoooo. I love how different her relationships are with Kaz and Inej. Inej is all sweet and can sleep with her head on Nina's shoulder. That's the partner she needs, not Kaz. Nina, however, can troll him as much as she wants, and will still stay out of his league. She's simply more powerful than he is and isn't intimidated by him even one bit.

I don't think Nina understands how hard this is for him. It's so rare for anyone to see the bare skin of his hands. I fully expected him to do what he is asked of without taking his gloves off. This is a very important moment. Such a rare sight. It feels weird, even, to see his hands with the gloves off.

It's like it's not even him.

Darling, put the gloves back on. :( My heart aches for him. They think it's all a joke until it's not. My question is, though, why didn't she try to slow his heartbeat? I don't remember anything about this in the book, unfortunately. She just felt how bad it was for him and maybe could've helped. But idk, if he's having trouble breathing, then the slowing his heartbeat would probably not help.

This is where I thought he'd fall into the water tbh. Bumping into so many people, with his hands bare, which also amplifies a panic attack. I'm glad Inej understood she needs to IMMEDIATELY back off. If they push that "I'll have you without your armor" bullshit, I'm gonna be very mad.

And for that moment, he's in a pile of corpses. He's five years old. Jordie is dead. He's alone in this world. He uses Jordie's corpse to stay afloat. And my heart breaks for him yet again.

Him sharing food with Jesper and Nina is so cute. Foodies. <3 I like their friendship.

Sharing those glances, that bond once again. <3 Kaz even shares a smile/a scowl with him. Jesper doesn't care. He'll endure whatever Kaz throws at him and still be so chill about it. "Now to the real talk, okie dockie?" And Kaz starts talking. Love it.

That's what I'm talking about. Wylan looks so unnatural. Baby, can you snap out of it please? On the other hand, maybe I should reread the book first before saying this. I don't remember if he's on the specter in any way. If he is, it's understandable. If he isn't, I'd love for him to be more alive and have more personality and be a valuable member of the Crows, like in CK.

WRONG. Big wrong. Oh, the book... What he felt for her, how he loved her. Matthias deserved better. ;_;

!!!

Nooo wayy??? That is truly something new. Get his ass!!

That's brutal. I don't wanna go there. I'm not ready. :(

The moment when Nikolai gives Alina his compass was nice. I remember from what I've read that they've become really good friends. I actually like seeing it in the show. I liked seeing this side of him, and it feels like they've cast a proper actor to play him? But i don't know much about him, so it's not up for me to decide. He's still good though, imo. The emerald though. It's for Zoya, isn't it? Don't remember how they end up there, but yeah.

That talk between Wylan and Jesper at the end. "Because it's not a blessing, it's a curse! And you have no idea what it's cost me." They did a lot of things about them wrong, but those words and encounters they have at their cores, both of them, had to be included. And I'm glad that they are.

Holy shit. So it IS in this episode. Jordie pulling him out, then drowning him back. It's 11 pm, I woke up at 6, how am I supposed to sleep now??? My goodness, I was waiting for this scene. Gifs!! I NEED GIFS!!!

[ccelinewritess]

dating lily evans would include

pairing - lily evans x female! muggleborn! reader

requested by @doitforthevine67 ( thank you sm! )

note - i’m a simp for lily now. i hope you enjoy! i pray to god i got the timeline right. p.s i am in no way trying to justify snapes later actions by the boys pranks. also I’m sorry for any spelling / grammar errors, i wrote this wayyyy to late.

( more fics and hcs on the way ! )

You’d been a marauder since you met the boys on the train in first year

They were lovely friends, but you tended to butt heads with them because of the pranks. You just didn’t think some of them were very nice.

Our story begins in fifth year

Slughorn finally dismissed you after you cleaned up your cauldron ( which exploded when you weren’t paying attention )

And now your looking for the boys at all the normal places they take breaks: the courtyard, the main corridors, heck even their dorms

No where to be seen

Until you finally head to the grounds and see a...crowd?

The closer and closer you approach you realize James is pointing his wand something

And then your mouth falls into an ‘o’ shape and you stop in your tracks because jesus fuck why is Snape upside down?

Your feet start moving again and you push through the crowd, begging James to just put him down

‘For the love of god James just put him down! He’s not worth it.’

It took a few more attempts before he lets him down, but he does eventually.

But.. Snape’s only ‘thank you’ was an ‘i don’t need your help mud-blood,’ causing you to run back towards the castle. Lily was heading towards the crowd you just left.

You collapsed on your bed, a stray tear escaping your eye. You knew you shouldn’t cry over his words, he was just an ass but god did it hurt.

Meanwhile back on the grounds, though, Lily just asked James why you seemed so angry

and oh boy

SHE WENT OFFFF ON SNAPE

no one survives the raft of an angry lily evans

Even Snape was practically in tears—she didn’t hesitate to call him out on anythinggg

Starting but not limited to the fact Snape had no right to say shit about bloodtypes, and how Y/N was extremely smart

When she finished making all her points, the boys headed back to your room, somehow managing to get in

They felt awful that happened to you, especially James, lots of bear hugs from them all

Then they tell you about Lily

Well more of a re-enactment, which had you laughing on the outside but really wondering if they had made the whole thing up to make to laugh or if it was true

Then the next day it was confirmed as the story practically flew around the castle

You mustered up the courage to thank her after a few days

Which she replied to with a small smile and an ‘ofcourse, Y/N. you didn’t deserve that, hell no one does.Those bloody pranks don't put him in his place, it was about time someone really did.’

After that she starts hanging out with you and the guys wayy more often

it’s small things that cause crushes to form on both sides, but there actually quite similar

your both very passionate, and stand up for what you believe in

natural sparks, yk?

And when you got talking about something that was important to you and got all cute and serious she just falls for you.

So damn quick.

She could go on for hours about you if someone would listen

That someone usually ended up being remus, but he didn’t mind

Although, he was a bit shocked when he realized really liked you

and in more than a friend way

Remus became her hypeman—and it helped he was a good secret keeper

It does take her a bit longer than she’d like to admit to finally confess because she’s never had a super good muggleborn friend that understands her like you do

She doesn’t want to jeopardize that

But the opportunities keep presenting themselves and she doesn’t want to miss another one

So she invites you on a walk around the black lake—which you agree to ofcourse

And well it’s a complete word vomit, but it’s all sweet and kind

for someone who seems very confident...jeez she was practically buzzing with nerves while waiting for you to respond

But she melts right then and there when you return the feelings

OKAY NOW ONTO THE EVEN BETTER STUFF

In my mind Lily grew up cooking with her Mum, so naturally she’s amazing

Many dates in the kitchens, cooking and baking the day away

Any pda is out of sheer amazement at your beauty and wanting to show you off—not jealousy or anger or any petty shit

On that note : she’s not really jealous or possessive. trusts you completely and vice versa

The sass comes in quite handy when y’all have roast sessions with the boys

like that episode of the office I kid you not, y’all invented boom roasted

Lily’s sass alone is a lot to grasp, but the sheer power you hold together ( remus is always on your team aswell )

‘James, your middle name is Fleamont. not much else to say.’ ‘Boom Roasted.’

But other than that y’all are some of the kindest people around the castle

Everyone’s favourite couple, even the professors gotta admit that the two of you are absolutely adorable

She loves to have her hair braided

Hand holding. 24/7.

Not very cuddly unless inprivate, when the two of you are alone though.. She’s a completely different person

Deep convos at like 2am cause neither of you can sleep, especially on full moons

A pure relationship. I ship.

-

hope you enjoyed!

tags ( general ) - @malfoys-demigod @pcseidcnsvoid @itsivyberry @sinful-gin @thefandomplace @hariosborn @planetkt @ilove-cedricdiggory

[renaxwrites]

Hiii can I ask for a hc of what it is like to be in a full-blown fight or heated argument with Tsukki, Akaashi, and Hajime? It can be angst or fluff hehe sorry if it’s a bit random hehe Thank u in advance! 💜😁

Fights -  (Tsukishima, Akaashi, Iwaizumi)

a/n: my heart is too (soft) for angst I can never handle it lmao

     warnings: slight angst, some cussing

tsukishima:

Okay it’s normal to playfully banter and bicker with each other, but when it’s a full-blown argument, it’s a whole other level

It’s clear that he needs his privacy, which includes his personal things

You were doing your normal cleaning routine, and noticed something out of its normal place. His most prized possession: his headphones. So imagine the feeling when you trip over something, sending his headphones flying, and bouncing off a hard surface, breaking them.

Nothing made you feel worse, but you already placed an order online for a newer version of the ones he had. Gosh you had never bought something so fast in your life

But of course the ONE time it happened, it was when he wanted them the most. OFC!!

He had looked in the only two places it could be, and since they weren’t there, he confronted you. So you confessed, cause obviously it would be worse to lie.

You were gonna replace them, but before you got to tell him that…man did he blow UP…he was PISSED to say the least

“The hell did you touch them for? Better yet, why were you in there in the first place? You really don’t know when to mind your own business, do you? It’s like you always do the opposite of what I say!”

You’re trying not to raise your voice either, but of course you needed to get your side of the story in

Was trying his best not to scream at you, but his voice would definitely be raised

However, he would never call you any degrading names. He absolutely drinks his “respecting women juice”. He just didn’t have his coffee before this, however.

Honestly, once he says his piece, he goes to a different room, so he can think and cool off. One thing about Tsukki is that he sometimes needs time alone, which you always respect.

Once you two are ready to talk to each other again, you approach him and explain what happened in a calm manner. You apologize for damaging his headphones. He is more of an actions over words kind of guy. He in turn cups your face in his hands and is sorry for raising his voice instead of hearing you out first

He then wraps his arms around you and puts his face in the crook of your neck. 

Before y’all go into cuddle mode, you raise his face and show him the new headphones you ordered for him

Powers all his love into a big ass kiss on your forehead

THEN y’all cuddle

akaashi:

Honestly, Akaashi is a reasonable, respectful king™ that always applies common sense before doing anything irrational, so it would take a lot as his s/o to get him to that level of anger

Like, wayy worse than Bokuto

The only things that could reach him to that level is if someone is harassing or putting down his s/o or anyone he is close to (teammates, family, etc). OR, if you are purposely putting down your self-worth in front of him

Since Akaashi plays, you often would go to his matches to support them, and you would see girl volleyball players for their tournaments as well.

Most of them were tall, lean, and have an overall fit figure from years of hardcore training, and just the sight of them would make you feel insecure about yourself. You wouldn’t tell your bf, so that he wouldn’t be worried

But after seeing the vb girls again, you were then self-motivated to look that way too, but you were going the wrong way about it

At first, Akaashi didn’t notice. But then, he started noticing you eating less and working out more. You even softly refused to go to your favorite fast-food spot for a spontaneous food run. If anything, when he mentioned it, you were suddenly off the couch and ready to work out again

You accidentally left your phone open while you went to change into your workout clothes. He felt guilty for even having to look through it, but he needed to get to the bottom of this. Immediately he saw your search history, full of “how to get thinner”s, “extreme dieting”s, “ideal body shape workout”s.

Alright, he’s had enough

He is ready to burst through your door, but the gentleman he is, knocks first

When you say ���come in”…

BOOM

“Why am I seeing all this bullshit on your internet history?”

You don’t see the problem with wanting to get healthier, or thinner in your mind. Like those volleyball girls

“Babe. Don’t you ever. EVER. Compare yourself to anyone else!! Those girls have been training for years. It takes years to get that way. But skipping meals, eating less, and working out more? Constantly measuring and weighing yourself? Dammit, I must be failing as a boyfriend if you’re feeling this way.

“Being skinny is NOT the same thing as being healthy! Babe, you don’t need to be thin to be beautiful. You are perfect the way you are. Now, if you want to follow a healthier lifestyle, I’ll help you. I can show you how to properly do it. Okay? Please, for me?”

He envelops you in his arms and rests his chin on your head, rubbing your back as you let a few tears leak out. He picks up your chin and gives you a kiss.

“Wanna go get some ice cream?”

“Yes, please”

Best ice cream you’ve ever had

iwaizumi:

Iwa is a MAN that just honestly wants to provide you the best, what he feels you deserve

Sometimes he feels insecure, feeling at times he could do better, causing an inner frustration with himself, which causes him to unintentionally snap one day

The two of you had your 1 year anniversary in a week, and he had never been so sure of anything than wanting to spend the rest of his days with you

So he wanted to finally tell you ‘I love you’ with a promise ring

Now, rings aren’t the cheapest thing in the world, and definitely not the one he had in mind. But you deserved it.

He had 90 percent of the money for the ring, but where was he going to get the other 10 percent? In a week? And the poor boy didn’t want any help, he wanted to be assured that he could do something for you knowing HE did it. So, naturally, he was getting stressed out.

You noticed how stressed he was getting as the days of your one-year started getting closer. He was intently texting every second of any break he had, and it started to worry you.

3 days left: He says, “I’m fine.” 2 days: “Don’t worry about it, love.”

The night before: when it all caved in.

You decided to confront him about it. “Iwa, what are you so worried about? You’ve been more concerned about your phone then telling me… is something wrong? Did I upset you?”

He is still texting

“IWA.”

He finally looks up at you. “I’m trying to do something, y/n. Can you just LET me?”

You put your hands on your hips.

Oh boy, was he in for it.

“What is so important that you’ve been more interested in your stupid ass messages than you are with me? You’re over me already, aren’t you? And right before our damn anniversary? You could have at least let me know when you first got over me!”

Iwa tries to get his brain cells together, but just goes off.

He gets up. “If you MUST know, I’ve been trying for MONTHS. MONTHS! To save up for this goddamn ring tomorrow that probably isn’t even good enough for you! I’m so pathetic! You deserve someone who can get you anything you wanted right then and there! You deserve someone better than me, who can give you what I can’t! I’m trying my fucking best to be what you deserve, but how? I can’t even buy you a simple, fucking ring so I can finally tell you that I love you!”

You’re both in tears.

“You love me?”

“More than anything else in this world.”

You let out a sob and rush over to him and you embrace one another. You simultaneously look up and brush off the other’s tears.

“Iwa, I don’t need any fancy things to be happy. I just need you, all of you. There is nothing or nobody that can change the way I feel for you. I love you.”

You kiss and continue to embrace, moving it to the couch to wallow in each other’s presence, all through the early morning

Midnight hits.

“Happy anniversary, y/n.” “Happy anniversary, Iwa.”

[writing-wolf]

I did it; I watched and read After by Anna Todd

Alright, I’m going on a rant, kinda. 

I’m very single, very touch-starved and quarantine makes me pick up on my guilty pleasures: reading/watching crappy romance. So far I’ve read like 4 bad romance books besides the After series, and I’m thriving. We love a cheesy, cliché romance at 2 am, yes we do. 

I read the whole series before watching the movie, and I’m kinda glad I did. The movie was, surprisingly, somewhat better than the books and I’ll tell you why. 

The books were pretty much garbage. Like, I’m not talking about the garbage that romance books made for young adult women with a fantasy usually are (although I secretly kinda like em), I’m talking Wattpad Y/N garbage. I know that’s to be expected because it is a Harry Styles fanfic, buuut a part of me hoped that with it being published as a real book, the ignorant, horrible parts would be cut out. Yeah, nope. 

Spoiler Alert: I’m going to discuss the story under the cut.

First book was kinda bad, pretty dramatic, but like, it was your kind of mindless ‘bad boy’ story. Red flags were starting to show in the relationship (they keep fighting, Hardin’s pretty much a horrible jealous jerk when he’s drunk, and kind of when he’s sober tbh), which kind of made me a bit unhappy. You can’t start off an entire series when it already seems like the main couple is toxic as all hell. The cute parts get overshadowed by the fighting and lies, secrets, violence, double standards, etc. The bet was disgusting and I just couldn’t get behind Hardin. 

At this point, I’m kind of invested in the story though, and I want to see how the hell Hardin’s going to get back with Tessa (because of course they get back together) after this virginity bet, and I read After We Collided. It’s starts off with this Zed guy, and we see the whole aftermath of the bet, with Tessa swearing she’s over it before seamlessly transitioning back into this ‘non-relationship but actually pretty much a relationship’ (this will be an ongoing theme in the next books) when Hardin’s mum shows up. They get back together over a bracelet and some other stuff. Blah blah, book’s kind of forgettable at this point. Hardin’s a selfish dick who doesn’t want to marry, have kids or move to Seattle with his girlfriend, whilst she’s just doing really hurtful things to spite him and hanging out with a couple of random dudes. Somehow she catches feelings (only a lil, because we know she only loves Hardin) for Zed, which is incredibly illogical. But the latest thing we can hope for is character development. The cute moments are actually cute, and they give me feels, but then 5 pages later they’re fighting again, so idk why I even bother. At the end of the book, somehow Hardin gets a tattoo for Tessa, and they meet her estranged, alcoholic dad. Cliffhanger....I guess?

After We Fell is the longest book in the series and OH MY DAYS, IT’S HOT GARBAGE. I couldn’t wait for this book to be over. There’s Hardin asking her to marry him so she doesn’t go to Seattle (he’s drunk, surprise?). Well, shit gets weird, because Hardin, Tessa and Hardin’s family go to Seattle for the weekend or smth. There’s a lesbian couple that has to represent Hardin and Tessa, but better, and that was decently well-done. They have sex, she drinks underage again, he tried to get sober but fails because every time they break up it’s the same story: he drinks and trashes the place, she cries and hates his arse, vows to stay away, they get back together and he promises to do better. And then it starts again. Dysfunctional as shit, basically. There’s huge signs of a toxic, unhealthy, possessive relationship between both of them. 

Hardin sabotages Tessa’s move to Seattle, she looks through his phone (something she’s done before). For the first time though, I end up disliking Hardin a little less than Tessa, because I kind of understand his point? The whole dysfunctional family thing did a part on him, and I get it. She’s also pretty toxic, pointing out his insecurities and being self-centred and wants him to change so badly. I just. By the end of this book, I maybe want them to end up together? Not really, because they’re almost (or maybe even actually) emotionally abusive to each other. But when they get their shit together, I’d like them to have a good, romance novel fuelled love story. Anyways, it was shit.

Last one, After Ever Happy (I didn’t read Before because I was tired of this shit and I don’t massively care). Starts off with this whole thing at Hardin’s mum’s wedding and whatever. He ends up leaving her and stays in London so she can return to Washington alone and he can get high with his ‘delinquent’ buddies from back in the day. She finds her father, overdosed, in their old apartment and that’s what it takes for him to come back to her. I know. Horseshit and I still hate them. He somehow tries to fix all of this, Zed’s a manipulative asshole, Hardin asks her to marry him but Tessa’s depressed, grieving and really not ready to get back into this tumultuous relationship (and honey, I really don’t blame you). I ended up liking this book the most because it felt human. It felt like Tessa was finally growing up and making choices that wouldn’t restart the fucking cycle again. She still drank too much, but I like the change when she left for NY. At that point, I could say I liked the story. Hardin changed a lot and became a capable man/boyfriend. They end up not dating until years later, and I have to say, good for them. Neither of them were ready for a relationship, so I think it was nice that they got the time apart to live first. Epilogue was wayy too rushes and kind of meh, but I was glad it was over. 

The reason I liked the movie was because it was mindless romance and not despite, but because it was so different from the book. Not nearly as toxic and just a lot more calm. Sure, it wasn’t amazing cinema, but it was cute, and the actors weren’t that bad. The main couple looked mad cute together too. The bet got changed and you could see that Anna Todd had made decisions in her book that she probably regretted and tried to rectify. And it was decent. I’m glad Hardin isn’t as horrible, and I’m glad that it seems like they’re in a relationship I could root for, however bad it started. Because that’s romance. Encouraging the audience to love the couple is so important, and the books just forgot about that imo. I still don’t love the series, but I’d be lying if I wouldn’t watch the rest. As a break from good, meaningful cinema and literature, the movies will do just fine. 

[erineliz]

I spent a lot of time thinking about and writing about my favorite Taylor Swift albums of all time and ranking them. It was a lot of work but I’d love to see other fans rankings and read why. Here’s mine:

1.folklore

2.fearless

3.reputation

4.taylor Swift

5.speak now

6.Red

7.lover

8.1989

So now that folklore has been out awhile, I’ve listened to it, memorized it, loved it. I’ve been reminiscing on old albums now, as you do. My album ranking opinion is probably a super unpopular one in the t-swift fandom that I follow but, I’m a different kind of swiftie I suppose. So I’ll try to further explain my opinions on these albums.

Starting from the bottom,

1989: this is last for me but in no way means it’s a bad album, I mean something has to be last but this one just was not my wildest dream lol. It started off with the release of shake it off before the rest of the album and this was the beginning of Taylor releasing my least favorite song first on quite a few albums (followed by LWYMMD and YNTCD, but we’ll get to those later) I love, love,love blank space and it was a huge bop for a long time after I first heard it. Prob the only thing that made me even want to listen to the rest of the album. Because, as you can see red didn’t fall very high on my list so to follow it up with just shake it off made me kind of feel like, am I over t Swift? 😯 shocking, I know. I was a senior in college when this was released, blank space was played loudly at a few house parties and I loved that everyone loved it too, not just me; a long time lover of swift. It always feels like an I told you so moment when people who aren’t swifties like one of her songs. I never bought this album, and didn’t have Apple Music at the time so I feel like I never really gave it the time and appreciation it deserved. Almost every song on it became a single and I did like a lot of them. The first time I heard New Romantics was when my sister was playing the deluxe cd in her car and I was like, what is this? I loved that song. I think I then looked into the album more and listened to the rest. It was ok, I liked clean because I was going through a breakup. I liked how you get the girl, I thought it was creative and also kind of related to my break up. Out of the woods was too repetitive for me, the rest of the songs were played on the radio so much that they just became overplayed and annoying to me. So yeah, although this was her most successful album by far, I think it was just too mainstream, over played and not for me! But still good overall, you know, because, it’s Taylor Swift.

Lover: it was hard for me to put this this low, because again, not a bad album. It started off by Releasing YNTCD and Me! Before the rest of the album and again I was just like meh... but I knew better in my career as a swiftie that these two singles meant nothing for what the rest of album would be. I really like a lot of the songs on this album, London boy, daylight, false god, cruel summer, the man..all really good! But just nothing that went down as a favorite swift song of all time. I love the aesthetic of this album, probably one of my faves. I love that it’s about love, it came out last year, right when I bought a house with my lover, and I listened to it many hours while painting our walls before we moved in. I feel like Taylor and I have gone through it all together, and lover was the epitome of where my relationship was with my fiancé, just like her and joe 💕 we made it through all the heartbreaks and this was the purple pink sky at the end of the tunnel! But still, she has made way better music IMO.

Red: This is the swift album that everyone thinks got snubbed by the Grammy’s. Most swifties would scoff at this ranking as well. But..again not a bad album, this album has some of her BEST songs/lyrics. But..also it has, and it hurts me to say this, some of her worst as well. Red is good, but if we’re taking albums as a WHOLE, that you can listen too without any skips, this is not that one for me. This album does have some of my favorite of all time songs: all too well(give me the 8 minute version,damnit), red, state of grace, treacherous. But then it also has..stay,stay,stay which I really think is just like, so corny and fake, you can tell it’s not about her life, it’s like a little country twangy but still like bubble gum pop. It just rubs me the wrong way and gets a skip when listening. This album was a huge turning point in her country to pop timeline and it has a good mix of her pop bops along with her pretty little guitar poetry. The pop singles on this album were not my fave. 22 is fun, I was 20-21 when this came out and everyone was jamming 22 on their 22nd b-days. IKYWT got sooo overplayed and annoying. Same with WANEEGBT. I love my t-swift deep cut, sad songs but some of these were just trying too hard at that, like sad beautiful tragic and the moment I knew. They were just tooo dramatic for me. But idk, maybe it’s just because I wasn’t going through heartbreak when this came out, I was about 3 years into a 6 year relationship so heartbreak hadn’t been relatable for awhile and wasn’t going to be for awhile longer. I loved the duets with Ed and Gary, so glad we got that again on folklore! I also think that this album appeals way more to a younger audience. I think I grew up a little by 2012 compared to when I was crying over boys listening to the first albums, not just in a sense of heartbreak but also like just the parts of red that are a little corny to me. I think she was still aiming for the young teeny bopper pop and I was kind of growing out of that stage in music, broadening my horizons if you will. I started listening to swift when I was like 15. I think I just was a little ahead of the target generation that this album was made for: But I still just wasn’t done with her or this album due to the minor cheesy parts. Because then she puts shit on there like the fucking bridge of all too well and I’m like ok she is still the greatest writer of all time. This was a long explanation for red, but I have so many feelings about it. And also, yeah.. it didn’t deserve a Grammy, all things considered. All too well could have had one for song of the year, but whatever.

Speak Now: this was a good album, I think it was very similar to fearless but not quite as iconic. fearless has kept its high rank over the years so because this was so similar, I can’t put it too low. It was exactly what I wanted after fearless, also I think it kind of explains too why red was a bit of a let down..it was a huge change from fearless and speak now. I guess I’m just slow to adapt to change? But anyways speak now has some of the best deep cuts, dear john, last kiss both so beautifully written. Real, raw. We all knew who they were about and the drama of these relationships was exciting because these were the days that’d we’d all hear stuff about who she was dating but never get the full story. then later hear about it in her albums..it was nice to get that kind of honesty from a celebrity, made us feel like we really knew her. Sparks fly is up there as favorite song of all time. Mean was such a clap back to her critics and had the country vibe and twang from her first album. Also, this album had songs about John Mayer, joe Jonas, Taylor lautner..and Kanye west? All huge names at the time. I have to admit, the Kanye west innocent song was a huggeee let down at the time. I know this bitch had worse thing to say than “you’re still an innocent” but..she was very deep into playing her nice girl role at the time. So thank god there was a rep era later on down the road! I was a freshman in college when this came out. Living in dorm rooms, listening to music on my laptop late at night with the lights out.

Taylor Swift: this is up there, because it just has to be. This is where it all started. Listening to country radio, hearing Tim McGraw for the first time. I myself being a huge Tim McGraw fan thinking, I hope someone does think of me when they think of Tim McGraw lol. And then, just on a whim somehow, looking up other songs by her..just to see. Now in 2006, looking up songs by an artist wasn’t as easy a task as it is now. I illegally downloaded music on limewire still at this point. And would then burn it to cds. And would later get my first iPod and transfer everything to that, because who wants to pay a dollar per song on iTunes? I’m sorry Taylor, but Not my mother. So, being 14-15, I had to find my own ways. Stay beautiful, our song, cold as you, picture to burn, should’ve said no..these songs were the words I was looking for in high school, going through teenage love and heart ache. Feeling the exact same way as her and wanting to just write these words on a paper and fucking send it to all these boys who made me sad. Wanting to be a famous singer just so these people could see how I feel and how they ruined everything. Pretending that Mary’s song was the story of my lover and I in an imaginary world. Like, for real. This album did something to me, because of this album no matter what happens in this life, if Taylor puts out music, I’m going to listen to it..just to see.

Reputation: this album was a huge turning point for her. And for me, as her fan. It was after 1989, so I wasn’t like, obsessively waiting to see what would be next. The whole cancel tswift thing happened and I heard about it, but it wasn’t like a huge deal. I was on her side, she didn’t do anything wrong and people were so quick to jump down her throat. but musically after 1989, I was not a hardcore swiftie, I still hadn’t adapted to the all pop era. I needed my Taylor swift on a guitar, pouring her heart out in her lyrics. And then, this happened and it was, for me, way better pop than anything on 1989 or red, by far. I was back to my obsessive swiftie ways, but in a whole new way. Every song on the album was a jam, she was speaking her mind, finally saying wayy more about kanye (and kim, ugh) than what we got on speak now.(ironic, because to me this album is when she really started to speak and didn’t play the nice girl anymore) not only that but, this was a love album and I related to it in so many ways. I was finally out of that 6 year relationship, and had a bit of a “reputation” (not really, but some bridges were burned and people talk a lot about things they no nothing about when you end something that lasted 6 years) and I had met someone new. I related to every love song on this album so much and it meant so much because, like Taylor, after all the bullshit that happened, finding the right person is everything. She had never been more relatable. I feel like her pop music finally grew up enough for me. She was doing pop in a new way and I was here for it.

Fearless: this one has stood the test of time. A classic. No skip album. Country, but her first intro to pop crossover with love story, but unlike a lot of her early pop hits, love story didn’t get old and overplayed for me. It’s not like my favorite song now, but when it blew up, I was about it. Beautiful writing on this whole album. It was the first album I bought. The physical cd. It came out when I was just learning to drive. Driving on my own and blasting this album singing at the top of my lungs along with it with no one to tell me to turn it down or change the song solidified the love story I had with fearless. Blasting you’re not sorry over and over again, (a top 5 song of all time) it made me want to learn to play piano (I didn’t). White horse playing on grays anatomy (my fave show at the time). Listening to fifteen at age 16 for the first time thinking, yes this is so true and I’m so much older and wiser now 🤣 . I was a colbie caillat fan before I knew who Taylor was. Hey Stephen was cute AF. Wished that I had the courage to say things like that to my crushes. Forever and always after my first breakup. It just hit so hard. I can always go back to this album, and have, over the years. My first tswift concert with my only other friend that liked her. It was before any of the drama that came out in the news about her. It’s when She started to blow up in popularity, I’d start to religiously follow things she was doing, interviews, videos on tour, and fell in love with her personality. This girl was talented and hilarious and pretty and smart. I wanted to be her so bad.

Folklore: although it’s still new and fresh, I really think it’s the best yet. For me it’s Taylor swift come full circle. It has the writing, some of her best lyrics yet. It has the age and wisdom that we have watched her gracefully acquire over the years. It’s not pop but it still has the catchy tunes that get stuck in your head, but in a quieter, simpler way. It takes loads more talent to get these songs on the charts than it did with her tried and true formula that she has used in the past for a pop song. She perfected that art, but this is a new level now. It’s not trying too hard, it’s honest. It’s still about love and how far she (and I 😭) have come in that journey. Yet it still has the heartbreak, teenage angst that only she can describe so beautifully. Cardigan might be best of all time. Betty takes me back to something on fearless. Mirror ball and August are light, airy, upbeat and just unique. TLGAD is her storytelling at its finest, yet also a quick fuck you to those who think she’s “ruined” anything. She had a marvelous time. It’s also that personal level, we’ve seen the photos of her and all her friends at this house and it just makes you feel like you’ve been there or something. Exile takes me back to red and I love this duet so much. Invisible string is so.well.written. The concept, so beautiful. The story of her and joe. Details we’ve never heard before. The lakes really ties it all together for me. It’s everything. We’re all isolated right now, but this song speaks to me so much. I’m not a big social media person, I like the simple things in life. I like to read, to write, my circle of friends is dwindling as we all get older and that’s ok because I have the love of my life and that’s all I need. It also speaks to how isolated I feel as a t swift fan, not that there is any shortage of swifties out there, but all the people I am close with are not fans of hers. And that’s fine, we have different tastes in music, whatever. But to me the best thing about Taylor has always been her writing, her poetry. I like the sad sappy songs, I want the auroras and sad prose (I also love the concept of not moving for years) this song has it all, even another subtle fuck you to her critics again. Who are you to tell her what her words are worth? They are better than any other artists’ out there. So many other dumb ass musicians out there that don’t even write any of their music who want to say Taylor isn’t “that great”. To me her words are everything. Folklore is everything. And it’s all hers! That’s huge. I feel like with her owning more of her shit now she can also be free to do whatever the fuck she wants. There’s no pressure for a tour on this album, (fucking covid 🙄) which may have influenced how she wrote it..no fancy dance numbers needed here. Without a big record label down her throat too she may have had more freedom, maybe to not have a hit single (although she still does) there’s no super mainstream straight pop BOP like every other album has had. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for her and her music. Oh and you want to talk about Grammys? GIVE IT TO FOLKLORE.

[comicteaparty]

June 27th-July 3rd, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from June 27th, 2020 to July 3rd, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

If you could do your webcomic for a living, how would that change things in regards to how you work on it (if at all)?

Deo101 [Millennium]

I'd definitely put out more content, cause I could focus on it fully every day of the week.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i would probably start hating it and get burnt out

Deo101 [Millennium]

thats why I would also have to start another comic or do short stories on the side or something, too.

I would probably keep individual comics update schedules the same, I'd just do more comics

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

If it became a part-time job, I don't think anything would change. It kind of feels like that already. If I were in a position where it became a full-time job, I do dread how my relationship with the work would change. I don't think I could ever make as much doing comics as I do in my day job (which isn't crazy, but is comfortable) so I don't know if I could ever 100% transition unless it was really, really worth it It's something I've thought about a lot, for sure.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

In a way, my comic is my full-time job? I don't make very much money with it, but I do put over 40 hours a week into it, and I don't have another job. I am in the very fortunate position of having an SO who is able to support me financially while I try to get my footing with my passion. If I was depending on it for a paycheck though, the main thing that would change is my style would probably get simpler, because there is no way I can make enough pages a week otherwise.

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

It is really the dream to be able to do it! Right now I am unemployed, so I basically treat the comic as my fulltime job, until I find the next short project. I want to be able to work on it full time! In Denmark there are some cool possibilities to get funding from the government and I hope we can get enrolled with some of those programs with our comic.

I would also just love to do small videos, podcasts, animations etc. Small fun projects

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

If I had to do it full time, I think i'd put a LOT more hours into learning how to paint, watching speedpaints, ect. It'd also make a huge difference in my living situation, as the first thing I'd honestly do with a full time at-home job is move to another city with cheaper rent. Another state, maybe! Oh, and I'd do a lot more promo work. posters and animations are fun, but they're not quite worth it with an audience consisting of two my writing partner's friends, and my older brother.

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

the biggest difference, I suppose, would be that I would make a lot more pages, a lot faster. But I like it that it's been pointed that the relationship with work changes when you have to do things full time, so there may be some unpredictable variables there

eliushi [Keyspace]

For a living for me can mean many different things: able to sustain living expenses vs full-time. There’s overlap but one gives financial security meaning an element of creative freedom. The opposite end will probably entail working on other comic projects with the current one as a passion story on the side (no change but probably might not want to draw so much after drawing for work!) If we’re discussing the ability to do the webcomic full time without financial worries then I do believe my output will increase but also I will be dedicating more time to the craft (studying story structures, art directions etc) as well as marketing/joining professional associations/pitching/connections. There are a lot of career options within the comic world and I’d love to explore everything before deciding what’s best for the current story. Ultimately if I were to do this as a living, I’d treat it like any other job: a routine, a strive for improvement, and wellness to recharge. I follow several artists not only for their art but also their schedule/workflow to see what worked for others. It’s very interesting!

In reality though, I might work on smaller scale projects on the side to build up the experience and platform needed to tell the story of Keyspace. As a full time comic creator, I’ll be seriously thinking to covert the seven novel series into a hug comic project. So TL;DR if full time, I make more pages

varethane

I'm in an odd place with my comic because.... well, I sort of had an opportunity to spend all of my time on it for a few months, when I was in between contracts at work. But I found that I wasnt getting it done all that much faster than I did when also working full time

To be fair, it's kind of hard to compare my speed between the three periods, because when I returned to work after a few months away, it was after work from home had started and now I no longer have a commute, so perhaps my ability to squeeze comic pages into my free time has expanded.... but I feel like my attention span caps out around 8 hours on any single task

So I didnt work that much faster. But... I'm also bad at keeping track. I could be wrong.

Yung Skrimp (Carefree)

8 hours is a long attention span

varethane

It's not all in one go, haha.

eliushi [Keyspace]

I definitely have to take breaks between pages, whether or not I have just a few minutes to a chunk of hours

It’s about finding a balance that works for you!

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I don't think I could put more hours daily into my comic than I currently do. I have a chronic issue with my drawing shoulder, so my body won't be able to handle that much work. Probably wouldn't be great for my eyes, either. I also don't know if I want my livelihood to depend on how many people like my story. This story is a pair of custom-tailored skinny jeans for my heart (and I have an unusual body type, making it impossible to wear skinny jeans regardless of size). It's a story I want to read. It's meant to fit ME. I don't want to worry about how to also make it fit a bunch of other people.

That being said, some people do find themselves in a situation where they're making something they want to read, and a bunch of other people just happen to like it, too. I think that would be nice

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I physically can‘t draw for more than four, five hours a day, found that out the hard wayy

eliushi [Keyspace]

I most recently developed pain likely due to RSI and have made accommodations since then but yeah it was scary to think that I have a limit in drawing time. Gotta find ways to take care of yourself for the long run

cAPSLOCK (Tailslide)

I think if comics were my only job, I'd feel a lot more anxious about what I create, and would struggle to work consistently. Having another pursuit makes me feel like I have more freedom to experiment, learn, and make what I want to make.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

That's a really good point keii

Would drawing a comic for a living push me to change it to have more mass appeal?

I don't know but it is definitely possible and would be on my mind

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

It is the dream, if I could get a decent monthly wage on my comic, yes I will dedicate more time, work out a better schedule. Get an editor and colourist on board to help make a polished series. Altho I'm still doing this method to build good working habits But I agree with Eli's point, have to assign days for breaks for myself to prevent RSI. At present I have a trained mindset to work on schedules, but I may feel the pressure to produce as fast as I could.(edited)

Desnik

Well, for starters, my comic would actually be released somewhere, so it'd be nice if it made something back for me

Miranda

I’d actually release it. And work on it regularly, instead of sporadically like I have been! I’d definitely be more critical of what I was doing, and probably way more anxious every time I posted.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

You know, when I was only like 6 years old, I was like "I don't want to be an artist when I grow up. I love art too much, and I don't want to burn out and stop enjoying it. So I'm gonna be a singer instead." I have no idea how 6-year-old me knew about burnout, but I definitely remember saying that in response to an adult asking something like "what do you wanna be when you grow up"/ "wow, you're drawing all the time; do you want to become an artist?"

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

The more I do comics the more I think I want to do art stuff as part of my main career. I would love to make sequential art that's for science purposes

sagaholmgaard

Ah that would be the dream! I'd probably feel more secure in my ability to build up a backlog of pages, and be able to make more extra content for the PDF version! And more content for instagram and twitter as well

kayotics

If I were to be able to do comics full time I think it would completely change my current lifestyle. Not even money wise but I’d need to switch up a lot of things. Like make sure I get a good amount of exercise in. I’d probably add in another page a week, but then use the rest of my week to project manage the comic, and promote my work. I’d spend a lot of other time working on creating an online store, because I can’t see the comic working full time without some supplemental merch keeping me afloat. And I’d also use that time to create and work on another comic series I think.

Yung Skrimp (Carefree)

If I were to do comics full time I’d flex on everyone I know

Feather J. Fern

If I was able to do comics full time, be able to pay off debts, substain rent and food, and extra saved for small spluges, I will shove my comic in my family's face(I got a family who doesn't believe in me at all), dancing around screaming "I MADE IT IN LIFE" And then jump out the window because haha this can't be a reality because I don't think I will ever make it in comics. I will still keep my other job of working at a library and drawing on the side becuase I want working job insurance and also I am the type who wants to save all their money if possible(edited)

eliushi [Keyspace]

I was on board until jumping out the window

Yung Skrimp (Carefree)

I wasn't on board until jumping out the window

Now I am

Moral_Gutpunch

If I could do this for a living, I could do so much. I could afford to put my mother ina home, start my dream farm and start a bunch of conservation as well, I could help my husband fund his own sidegig, and I could afford to foster pets like I always wanted.

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Personally, if I was able to do it I would be a lot more invested in it. I would also make a lot less excuses as to why I'm not practicing as much; it took a pandemic to happen for me to dry taking it more seriously!

I think overall I might have been more happy.

On the other hand, there's also the danger of burnout, of constantly doing the same thing over and over again for me. I'm the type that needs constant change, so I think I'm more suited to having another occupation be my main profession while comics/art would be a secondary one, where I don't have as much pressure. Furthermore, it's also my backup plan in case anything happens to my main job.

Moral_Gutpunch

^ This. I'd be focusing so much more on comics. And I'd be expanding into more comics and writing more stories. I'd be happier I'm writing more, but more frustrated at writers block

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Man if I could do it full time, might be able to pull more page updates and actually get deep into doing some long term projects I had planned for years. I won't have much of an issue as long i can also do my zine projects on the side. also would be nice to have some job insurance too along with it lmao. the only danger that could take it away if I get incapacitated for no reason lmao

TaliePlume

If I could do comics as my full time job would be awesome! But all that focus would go only to the comic and nothing else which is bad because I would be neglecting a lot of things and not getting other things done.

AntiBunny

I'd finally be able to tell my whole story and start telling another. It drives me crazy that I have more ideas than I can pursue.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

In terms of my actual production, I'm not sure doing my comic as a living would change much lol. I already spend upwards of 40 hours a week on it, I seriously doubt there's more I could be doing. So, earning a living off my comic would just be... one less thing to worry about.

[literallyprentissstwin]

SURVIVAL TACTICS - Spencer Reid x Reader

this was requested by an anon <3 

Prompt: “I´m pregnant.”

Characters: Spencer Reid x Y/N Y/L/N, mention of the team, Lennart, the unsub, hostages

Warnings: hostage situation, mild to heavy angst, pew pew

A/N: okay this got wayy loonger than i wanted it to be and i could easily have split it into a two parter but no (: so there you go! also i could have done this in a fluffy way, but my angsty ass though “mhhh better not. go with the angst.” so i did :) thank you to @illegalcerebral and @veroinnumera for helping me and especially thank you to sarah for prereading it and being my human sounding board <3 also this will be then only update today :) tmrw you´ll get some writing and the reading list :) enjoy! and feedback is kind of appreciated, a lot tbh! :) 

To say Y/N was happy would be the understatement of the century. She just couldn´t believe it, she was over the moon and beyond. 

Y/N was pregnant. Well, she and Spencer actually never planned to have a child yet since they were dating for only 4 months now, but they had talked about it before and both of them always wanted to have kids of their own. Now, it would finally happen and Y/N couldn´t wait to tell him about it. To make sure the test wasn´t mistaken, she called her doctor and set up an appointment for the next day. If he would confirm it, she would talk to Spencer about it. 

Thoughts were running through her head. How would he react? Would he be as happy as she was? Suddenly, she started to imagine the worst case scenarios in her mind. What if he thought it all would have been a mistake? What if he suddenly doesn´t want a child or if he wasn´t ready yet? Would he reject her? Or the child? Tears started to gather inside Y/N´s eyes. Angrily, she wiped them away and took a deep breath. Why should he react like this? After all, he wanted to be a dad someday and he loved her, so everything would turn out just fine...right? 

Y/N was pregnant, 8 weeks already to be exact. The doctor confirmed it yesterday and Y/N had spend all day to plan how to approach the subject with her boyfriend. The couple agreed to go out for dinner after work today. This would be where Y/N wanted to break the news to him or how it was originally planned, if there hadn´t been a case which came up. 

The team was called in on a local hostage situation in a bank. A man was trying to roub out the bank. All the team knew was that there were 20 people inside, five of them were kids and the man had already shot the manager as well as his partner. He was loosing it; this was why the BAU has been called in. 

Within ten minutes, the team arrived at the scene, starting to coordinate their actions with the local police department. Just as they were about to form a plan, the unsub called and Rossi picked up the phone. 

“This is SSA David Rossi with the FBI. Who am I talking to?”

“It´s none of your business. If you want all those people alive, I want you to fulfill my demands.”, the man spoke. 

“Okay, what do you need?”, the agent asked. 

“Oh, first of all, I would prefer speaking to your pretty friend on your left. Give her the phone or else I have to kill someone.”

Hesitating a bit and realising, that he must be watching them, Rossi gave the phone to Y/N: 

“Hello, this is Agent Y/N Y/L/N. What´s your name?”

“It doesn´t matter, sunshine.”

“Oh, it does to me. I´d like to know the people I´m talking to by their name.”, Y/N replied. 

“You can call me Lennart, but the name isn´t one of your bigger problems, Agent Y/L/N.”

“Okay, Lennart. Nobody has to get hurt, okay? What about you tell me what you need and I´ll see what I can do.”, Y/N negotiated whil exchanging glances with her teammates. 

“Well, it´s up to you if someone gets hurt, so you bette do what I say.”, Lennart replied and took a deep breath before he continued, “all I need is a private jet ready to fly me wherever I wanna go. If the jet is ready, I wanna leave the building without someone following me.”

“That´s it?”, Y/N asked. 

“Yes, I think that´s enough. You´ve got one hour.”

“Wooah, Lennart, we need more.”

“Honey, you won´t get more. I want the jet ready in an hour. If not, I´m gonna kill everyt single hostage in that building.”, and with that, Lennart ended the call. 

“It´s impossible. We can´t give him the jet.”, Derek said. 

“There needs to be something elese we can do.”, Spencer agreed. 

“There has to. We can´t let 20 people die in there.”, Y/N said and excused herself while she walked away from the group, Reid quickly following her. 

Y/N was leant against a FBI van, feeling a bit dizzy and overwhelmed and tried to gather her thoughts. She didn´t hear Reid coming up beside her. 

“Hey, you okay?”, he asked full of concern. 

“Yeah...I´m fine, it´s just...”, she began but was interrupted by Reid wrapping his arms around her. 

“I know...I hate it too. But we´ll get them out of there. I promise.”

“What do you mean he won´t get the jet? We just agreed there isn´t another choice.”, Y/N exclaimed ,”we don´t have any other plan either.”

“I know...but we can not let him escape.”, Hotch reasoned. 

“So we take in stake the death of 15 adults and five kids rather than letting him escap where we could track him at any time?”, Y/N practically screamed. 

“Hey, Y/N, calm down.”, Reid tried to reassure his angry girlfriend. 

“No, I´m not gonna calm down. I don´t know about you, but I don´t wanna be responsible for the deaths of these 20 people who rely on us.”, the young woman said. 

“We´ll get them out, Y/N. We just need to ask for more time or develop another plan.”, Emily replied. 

“Which he won´t grant us. These people are gonna be dead, guys. The second we tell him the jet won´t be here, he´ll panic and kill them.”, JJ answered., supporting Y/N. 

“There´s only one option left.”, Y/N said as she took off her cevlar vest and her gun and badge. 

“No way, Y/N.”, Reid reasoned as he got closer to her.

“It´s the only thing we have left. If I´ll go inside, I can at least try to get some hostages free and secure the scene, so you could get in.”

“This is stupid.”, Emily stated at which her co-workers agreed. 

“Well, we need to do something and I won´t keep standing her and watch how he kills everyone.”

“I go!”, Reid offered and looked at Hotch, who started to think. 

“I hat to say it, but Y/N´s right. Let her go inside, she already got his trust and he seems to be interested in her, so she would be the only one who could get him to surrender.”, the Unit Chief explained. 

“Fine...”, Y/N agreed and turned to walk towards the bank, hoping to get back alive. God, why was she doing this again? 

“Lennart? Hey, it´s me. Y/N, remember? We talked earlier this day!”, Y/N said calmly as she entered the building. The unsub, who got scared, grabbed a man and held him in front of himself like a shield. 

“Wooah, calm down. I´m only here to talk.”

“Where is my jet?”, Lennart wanted to know. 

“We still need time, Lennar. It´s on its way, but it doesn´t work that quick.”

“I gave you an hour. That´s long enough.”, he replied, voice shaky, as he placed the gun with equal shaky hands at the head of the man. 

“No, Lennart, look at me. Nobody has to get hurt in here. You´ll get your jet. As long as it hasn´t arrived, you´ve got me. So you can let at least the women and kids go. They have nothing to do with it.”

“Why should I do that?”, Lennart asked as he pushed the man aside. 

“Maybe as a sign of good will? Look at them, they are scared. They are not responsible for any of this here, please.” After starring eachother down for what felt like an eternity, he gave in. 

“Okay, go. GO!”, he yelled towards them and the hostages immediatley ran outside. 

“Great, thank you!”, Y/N sighed relieved. 

“What no, sweatheart? I´m still waiting.”

“Well, we could talk. Why this? What´s the reason for this?”

“No...don´t waste my time. Get that damn jet here.”

“Is it because you need the money? Or because of the fame and reputaion in the news? Or maybe it wasn´t your plan, huh? It was your partners plan, but since he already was killed or should I say killed himself, you´re stuck in this alone.”

“Shut up.”

“Is it that? You´re just a sidekick without a plan?”

“I told you to shut up or..”

“Or what, Lennart? You´re gonna shoot me? Nah, you couldn´t hurt a fly.”, Y/N replied provocatively. 

“You don´t know me.”, Lennart spit back as he started to pace back and forth. 

“Oh, I learned more about you in the past 10 minutes than you think. Do you wanna hear what I think is going on?”

Lennart kept quiet, he was trapped and didn´t know what to do. 

“Well, here´s my guess: You´re way too emotional and soft for this. You keep threatening to kill someone, but I think you don´t have the guts to do so. All this was your friends idea, but now that he is dead you´re the only one responsible for this which was his plan from the very beginning. You were just too naive to notice. Also, you´re married which I can see at your ring. You seem like a caring person who loves his wife. I saw it in the look you gave the other women and the kids. You didn´t want to hurt them, because you are a father and husband too and you could never ever hurt them. You wouldn´t volunteer to do such a thing. You were forced into doing it to secure their safety.”

Again, ther was silence. 

“How much of it was right?”, Y/N wanted to know. Lennart sighed. 

“The only way to get out of this safely is to go out there with me.”, Y/N suggested. 

“Not a chance! As soon as I am going out there, I´ll be dead.”, Lennart reasoned as he kept pacing. 

“Not when I´m with you. So...what are you doing?”

“DON´T SHOOT!”, Y/N screamed as she exited the bank together with Lennart. Immediatley, her team and the cops came closer, but lowered their guns. 

“He surrender, right? He came out here to stand up for what he did.”, Y/N told them, but Lennart didn´t seem to pay attention.

Suddenly, he noticed the snipers on the roofs.

“YOU BITCH!”, he yelled as he grabbed Y/N and held her close to him, gun pressing against her head, “you lied to me!”

“No, Lennart, no. I did not know about the snipers, really. Look, I´m the only thing right now between you and a bullet and since I´m pregnant, I woldn´t risk anything.”

Well, this wasn´t how she had planned on confessing it but oh well. she needed to get out of this, alive. 

Y/N heard gasps coming from her team and Reid looked like he was about to faint. IN that moment, she felt incredibly sorry. She was being reckless and putting not only herself but also her baby in danger.

“I´m sorry.”, she mouthed towards Spencer who has seemed to go into shock. 

“No...”, Lennart spoke up, “I´m not going into jail. No.”

“Lennart, listen, It´s over, okay? Let Y/N go and maybe we can talk about everything.”, Aaron tried to talk to the man, who only tightened the grip on Y/N. 

“Lennart...please...think about your family. They wouldn´t want you to do this.”, Y/N said, struggling with air. 

“They´ll understand...I´m sorry...”, and with that, Lennart pushed Y/N hardly towards the ground before he raised his gun to shoot at the cops; a battle he lost. 

“NO, STOP,STOP!”, Reid yelled as he tried to get closer to Y/N, who was laying on the ground. As the shots subsided, he quickly ran at her side. 

“Y/N...hey...”, he knelt down and quickly checked for injuries, letting out a breath as he didn´t see any, “thank god!”

“I´m okay...I just sprained my wrist.”, Y/N said as she leant in to hug Spencer. 

He held her tight, but suddenly pushed her back. 

“Yre you out of your mind? Going into such a dangerous situation in this condition? What were you thinking?”, he wanted to know as he looked at his girlfriend. 

“I thought about doing my job and saving those people, Spence.”; Y/N replied, trying to get up, her knees shaking, “I-I´m sorry for scaring you. Please don´t be mad.”

“Just promise you wont do it again” Y/N nodded but knew that this was a promise which she would break again to protect her loved ones. Reid smiled. 

“Y-You´re really pregnant?”

“Yeah..8 weeks along. I found out two days ago and actually planned on telling you tonight during dinner. I-I know it´s quite early yet since we´re together for only 4 months and I can totally understand if you aren´t ready to be a Dad yet, but..”, Y/N´s rambling was interrupted by Reid kissing her passionately. After they broke apart, he smiled at her. 

“I´m the happiest person. I´m so excited. We´re gonna have a baby.”, he laughed and hugged her before he wirled her around, causing everyone else to smile too.

“I love you so much!”; Spencer said as he let her down again and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I love you too!”, Y/N replied, more than happy with the way Spence reacted. 

“Come on, let´s get you checked out and then head home!”, Reid said as they made there way over to the ambulance, smiling brightly and overly excited for what was about to come. 

@ultrarebelheart @illegalcerebral @dontshootmespence @obsessed5sosfreak @remember-me-forever-silent-angel @imagicana @marvelfanlife @liz-a-22 @sunreid @amaybedeadcat @mybabys-gunsandroses @littledizzyhurricane @shaelyn102 @shiningmish @michellelisa @iammostdefinitelyonfire26 @fl0werb0nes18 @ceciliawho @butsomeofusarelookingatthestars @anton-shudders @sayernita @rubenlosthischeeks @jessiedangerous @badwolf-at-bay @ssa-aaronhotchner @veroinnumera @acespence @captainreid @ssaunitchief @lesbian-asajj @alienlynz @massivelyproudmixer @tenaciousarcadeexpert @crimindsaspe @lookwhatyoumademequeue

[inhalareexhalare]

“Let Him First Cast a Stone at Her”

Two occurrences in this early morning:

(1) I brushed off Ms. Len when she asked if I could deal with her bank deposit on my way, since yesterday I experienced the worst long wait ever. That particular bank has poor manpower and technology. Now I regret letting that opportunity to help pass me by.

(2) Reyna’s all anxious again from her mistakes at work. She thinks they’re minor and careless, but it’s exactly the simplicity of the mistakes that makes her feel bad about herself. Simple mistakes that she could have avoided, she thinks.

To Reyna:

Kung may mag-judge man sa iyo, sabihin mo walang kwenta siya JK HAHA

[If anyone ever judges you tell them they’re fucking useless JUST KIDDING HAHA]

Sabi nga ni Jesus sa Christianity, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."

[Jesus of Christianity did say,...]

Remember, walang may karapatan na husgahan ka. Ginagawa mo ang pinaka-best mo, at alam mo yan.

[Remember, nobody has the right to judge you. You do the very best that you can, and you know it.]

Pero kung gusto mo ng improvement anyway, pwede mong i-note nalang yun para new habit na haha "always doublecheck" :) Malamang magkakamali ka pa rin kasi di naman tayo robot, pero magiging mas konti na probably ang frequency! :D

[But if you want to work on self-improvement anyway, you can note it instead to turn it into a new habit haha “always double-check” :) You will certainly still make mistakes since we aren’t robots, but you’ll probably less frequently miss it! :D]

I still feel bad about Ms. Len hahahuhu

Oh wait! She responded in e-mail! Yay she would like to take my re-offer of doing that deposit (as long as it’s on the wayy)

From Ms. Len:

Wait for a moment.I will go there.Thank you very much.

To Ms. Len:

Thank you so much for taking the trouble! Noted!

2019-02-28 08:40 Philippines Thursday

I.. 

I am seriously trembling, fuck.

I am overwhelmed with excitement as I crave for this social development.

Ms. Len and I hugged. She said sorry for the trouble, but that she also really appreciates it, because two secretaries that sit adjacent to her cubicle like to pick on her schedule. They spread weird rumors about her taking too long with errands (and are suspecting that Ms. Len is busy chatting with people and having fun despite it being the time for work.) 

So this is quite a help in saving her time. I told her not to mind them. I love them as individuals, but they’re letting their perspectives run over Ms. Len this time. Those two are known for having less responsibilities as Ms. Len as people also say that they are unreliable or slow. Which makes them not understand how Ms. Len can possibly have so much errands/responsibilities to be running out and back to office the whole day.

For people who some others belittle, they should understand what Ms. Len must be feeling if they just try. :<

People just like to pick on other people. Especially if they don’t think getting to know others better is worth their time. Let’s try to break the cycle, shall we?

2019-02-28 09:32 Philippines Thursday

I ran into Richel, one of my cousins, who is now in her early college years. I was able to properly express my pleasant surprise. It’s been so long that I thought we’d have a lot of troublesome ice to thaw between us but hey, we were good. I told her that I missed her (and I didn’t know that until I said it), and she met me with similar enthusiasm and told me that she and her family would actually love to have lunch together with me someday.

I thought I’d be allergic to her since ever since I left home, I hid from my relatives ( I didn’t like to be talked about or pried on, and I didn’t want unnecessary burden on my dad and everyone although I think this absence of mine might have just worsened the gossip fuel haha) But we were cool. She didn’t know how to talk to me but in the spur of the moment I initiated so that was a surprise.

I wonder if I should take them up on that offer? I dislike feeling like I have to explain myself, but isn’t that exactly what socializing is about? Helping each other understand each other?

Okay, a part of me still doesn’t want to, but I guess I should. If they initiate of course. I am technically sent the invitation through someone else’s intention, but I don’t want this gathering to be started by me because then it would be as if I want to push my ideas onto them.

Nevertheless:

Mission: Share Your Opinion.

2019-02-28 11:27 Philippines Thursday

Waaah. I couldn’t share my opinions at our meeting. I couldn’t even speak up or make a sound. Even when Dr. Virg started lightening up to me with jokes on my silence.

I just didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t relate to them. Worse, I couldn’t find my voice. My voice was also weak even when it was Dr. Seth asking. I guess the whole, general air can give so much effect on comfort. I saw them somewhat as a group of people I couldn’t relate to. 

Retirement? Salary? Nationwide competition? The only thing I could relate to was that scandal they talked about around a certain graduate who lied for years to their parents regarding studies and even graduation. That student made up a lot of stories which sounds so familiar to me because my brother did that before. 

So I could only empathize. Troubled, repressed individuals who don’t know who to go to for help. Or just plainly can’t because they’re no t used to asking for help.

I couldn’t speak because I’d just be adding fuel to their gossip. 

I had no idea what to do at all, although I did my job right when it’s about business.

I don’t understand what Dr. Virg and some others in the room expect from me. If they were in my position, I wonder what they would talk about? I could be the clown/joker and say some pretty stupid things just to get a laugh and a level of comfort, but that wouldn’t be me.

Hm. Whatcha think, reader?

I really believe now that small talk is important, but what could I possibly talk about? I’m clueless here...

All I can think of for now, is improve the volume of my voice. Be adventurous with it. Don’t let their expectations intimidate you.

But I’m severely lacking in improvisation in this case. Strange. 

Do I really just lack information? Is that it? But their topics are too irrelevant to me.

Seriously, what do you say to:

“Ey, Lobo. You and Phoebe should be hosts to this event. Haha!”

Don’t worry it wasn’t an attack. Or at least that’s how I heard it. Phoebe is an apparently soft-spoken staff member. I could only smile or chuckle along.

I have no idea what to say. Hm. If I do have to give an opinion though, I’d ask if the event was undercover because I’m too quiet to host it. I wonder if they’d relate though. I have pretty weird contextual language, just like anyone does when there’s a huge gap in culture.

What if, instead, I say, then the event would be chaos, because I'd make a pretty speechless and therefore powerless host. Hosts exist to control the flow. I exist to observe the flow.

...

...too serious? This has always been a kind of problem haha

I like this part of me, but most don’t relate.

But I think I’ll try my second idea next time. My way of showing affection is adding some flavor and insight into things.

-

WAIT. I think I found another hole. I’m too busy looking for a short response, since I know they don’t think of me highly yet for me to steal more than a minute out of one turn.

(1) Do they actually think that? If so, there’s nothing to do about it. I can only shut up, or be fake.

(2) Maybe they don’t think that. If so, then I should give myself a push and try.

(3) The truth is that I really just don’t know what they think; So I must try, and keep trying. Unless it’s really evident that (1) is true, then that’s the time I drop it.

I should give it tries.

Mission: Steal Time, Test Waters!

But I still think I wouldn’t have gotten this idea at the time, since I keep thinking about the comfort levels of the other speaker and what they are probably expecting out of me. So, a revision of the previous mission:

Mission: Share Your Opinion (Think Underlying Concepts)

2019-02-28 15:14 Philippines Thursday

Huh. I don't feel so attached to Karu now, even though it's nighttime.

I'm actually pretty happy and excited on my own.

I'm genuinely excited for his gig tonight and for his net gigs, and for his new flute!

Even though I won't get to hear it until maybe a weekend morning.

You know what? I don't feel bad at all. I watched a few short films, snd then manga, and then pondered for a bit on what I could develop in that collab story I have with Nynaeve.

And I'm going to bed pretty darn happy.

I am absolutely comfortable right now.

Hm.

It feels so free to rid yourself of unnecessary reins.

Chains that shackle unnecessary burdens like self-expectations, obsessions, self-depreciation, etc...

Why did I want Karu home at night before again?

The anxiety was triggered by extreme loneliness and envy. Unforgiving to myself for having such feelings, I would beat myself up and fixate on things about myself, and then I wouldn't be able to stop with the obsessive thinking if I didn't remember to do my calm spell and breathing exercise.

Now, I just have peace. Freedom. So much freedom that I find it easy to set other people free. Set Karu free.

I guess it's hard to find peace if you're looking for it. Peace is in everything around you; in everything that taught you important lessons; in everything that you love to do; in everything that you discover new.

You don't do tricks and hacks to get the peace of mind that you crave for; you just do things for reasons that actually matter to you—you do things for getting better, and for growing up.

Don't rush it, but don't delay it.

Don't resist it.

Literally be yourself and always find ways to enhance yourself.

This was Pa's truest words, when he wasn't held down so much by the pressures of society: (I was crying tears at the age of 19, having experienced my first of societal/social failures—flunking a subject.)

"I don't need you to be the best out of everyone. I want you to be the best of yourself."

2019-02-28 22:41 Philippines Thursday

What is this. I'm still not afraid of getting up in the morning!

Because how do I know it’s all gonna work out? I don’t.

Focus. IT'S A LEAP OF FAITH.

2019-03-01 06:00 Philippines Friday

PS watch Spider-man: Into the Spider-verse!

[be-awake]

A&B

Looking back at everything, over the years I've known him and the years he has stolen my heart and soul. We used to talk, alot , and anyway we possibly could. We had this problem though of running away from one another when one of us would get too close to the other. We have been so destroyed by other humans who have claimed to love us ,and with that painful break we learned how to run away as fast as we could if anyone no matter who it was, once they got that close to us we ran fast and hard to get away. Also over the years, we got closer, became better friends, best friends. We listened to one another better, stood up for each other no matter what it was that they did wrong or good to someone we always stuck up for each other and we did it from more than 1,000 miles+ apart or just a few minutes drive down the street. We gave our friendship our all. We gave each other a love that not even us understood. However once that closeness came even between us we still ran, no matter how painful it was, we still ran. The silence over 2 1/2 years was hard. Life changed alot for the two of us in our separate lives.My mind would constantly wonder and think about him. The thought ran through my mind, down to my heart , then exploded into my soul. My love for this human, this wonderful man, my best friend was so intense I could feel his energy. It freaked me out because I could only feel him when we lived in the same state. However, to my knowledge he lived in many states across the U.S from Utah. Well turns out I was very wrong, and my soul was right. He was home. I can't remember who contacted whom first, or how we contacted one another, but it was like clock work. I felt his energy and it was not even a day, more like hours and we were talking like he had never left. Back to where we left off.. except he was committed.  Just my luck right?! Broke me so bad, but I stayed. I missed my friend. It was so nice to wander the city and take photos of whatever. Just being with him was all I honestly cared about. Hearing him talk, sing, watching him be a complete goofball was wonderful. For how empty I felt before that day from my divorce , was so dark and depressing. He lit up my life, my heart, my soul once again. It was so nice to be happy, to be light on my feet. It was the most unexplainable feeling I've ever had to just have my best friend back. Then I found out he was engaged to this girl. I swallowed my pride, I was happy for him that he was for once happy and going to settle down. That didn't last long. As we know, a few months passed by and we started talking again and this time we got pretty damn close, and not just friends either. We fell for each other hard.  Again.  But neither one of us was willing to run. After a few amazing months, I'm unclear of what all happened or why we stopped talking. We didn't run, we just faded. 

      It was strange.

                                   We had very little contact from October 2017 to  September of last year, 2019, Then either the day before or after or even on Thanksgiving he had me come over. He was drunk as he tended to be from time to time. He and I talked, we cuddled and one thing led to another. 

                    ....Breath...

 I remember waking up next to him; Best warm fuzziest ever. The ones he makes me feel are out of this world, no way to explain them because you can't. It's just love honestly.  Our bodies entangled together. His skin was like magic to me. I've never experienced bliss before until this moment. Sense then we have been inseparable, until well after my birthday in April this year things drastically changed. He was doing something more positive for himself to better his health. So from April 15,2020  today, May 23, 2020,  it has been hard for me and possibly him as well. I just don't know because he doesn't talk to me much anymore, even when I'm sitting next to him. We hardly talk, touch, look at each other, goof off, kiss, make love/have sex, hug, hold hands. Kisses on the forehead have stopped, texting slowed wayy the fuck down, open communication came to a halt; which was weird cuz he and I a few days before my birthday talked about how happy we were that we could come together sit down and talk about anything and everything no matter what it was about. He and I could talk about it, work through it and get through anything. Now... With all this change, he doesn't talk about anything hardly ever. He avoids me when I bring up things that bother me, doesn't answer any real serious question I ask or text him about. He hardly is exciting to have me come over when we couldn't wait for our weekends or our Tuesday nights for our time together. I feel like I bug him even when he says I don't bother him. His body language says so differently. So I'll stay from Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon then I  go home. When I would get to him the first thing always was a kiss and hug hello. Come Monday it was always a hug and kiss goodbye however we never wanted to let go, or have me go home. He used to tell me that I was home so I didn't need to go home. His home was my home and he wanted to keep it that way because he hated how he felt when I wasn't there with him. Now; I go over there and no hug, no kiss just a hi how are you? That's it. No excited ness in his voice. He now asks me when I think I'm going home. Or how long I'm staying this time.. we hardly ever shower together, craft together. However , we have had a few nights by the fire but with like 5 to 10 feet between us. The silence that I could hear past the fire crackling and making its own little firework show, was painful. I sat by myself hardly on my phone. While he was always checking his phone or playing a game as he sat farway but next to me while I stared and watched the fire. I thought my heart breaking deafening, I was wrong. To me he didn't notice, he didn't care. Because even if he couldn't hear it, anyone who is connected to any human like he and I are.  You would feel it, you could see it. Yet he said nothing nor did he ask. Once we went inside he was quick to go take a warm bath upstairs which I can't ever join him...ever.  I don't take baths at home cuz my tub is tiny and it doesn't stay warm for nothing. However he and I used to love taking baths together all the time. Shit I remember one time tell him no it was okay that's just he goes to take one and I'd wait for him. He looked at me with the most shocked face, grabbed my wrist to pull me closer to him. He grabbed my waist and threw me over his shoulder and took me into the bathroom, locked the door and told me I was going to take a cuddle bath with him because that's what we do. I laughed so hard just because of how he said it. Mind you this man, this human, I would move mountains for. He is the first person I have ever had in my life who accepted me 2000% and I accepted him 2000% flaws and all.  Anyhow back to where I was; We cuddle like maybe 10% of the time when we sleep. Before we always made sure that even if we couldn't cuddle some part of our body or skin was touching the whole night. Most nights he either had me pulled so close into his body with his arms wrapped around me, not letting go. Or I held him so close into me and my arms wrapped so tight around him. 

 It's rare that this happens anymore.

......breath.....

 I feel so broken; like it's my fault.  anytime I bring it up or ask about us and what is kinda eating at my brain.. he says we are good and that he loves me . So things have changed. I just think he lost the spark he used to get with me. What changed everything, was he decided to make a change for his health and stopped drinking and smoking. He has over a month sober from drinking and about 3 weeks of no smoking. I couldn't be more proud of him. He was so unsure if he could do it again. He has blown me away with how much he has been working out. We go on walks that aren't very talkative and silent. He is just less interested in us. In me. I feel like because if you were in my shoes..how would you feel with such a drastic change? However he still has his moments that last a few minutes to maybe a few hours and only for one day possibly two; if I'm lucky but never the whole time I'm there like it used to be, then back to what he is doing. He has these raspberry moments, like the raspberry you give people on their tummies to tickle them. Well I'm a very ticklish person, he does this and doesn't stop. I can't stop laughing, I can't breath, due to my laughter, we are having a blast. I can't complain because I've missed this terribly. Then he stops, then it goes silent again in the room around js.. Also mind you we haven't really kissed or made love in over a month. He says it's his antidepressants which it very much could be and he has told me that. However with everything else I feel like I'm not enough. That I'm not what he wants anymore. Oh side note I gave him a ring that means alot to me because it is a ring that I designed for him years ago when we first got together. I was planning on breaking the rules . Before he moved years ago I was going to ask him to marry me. Well, when he found the box in my room, he opened it and looked at it. Asking me who it was and if it was my ex husband. I told him it was what I had made for you. He was shocked, and put it on. We exchanged small vows, and it was just us, because that all we needed was us. No paperwork because you don't need a piece of paper to tell you how much you love someone. 

He used to wear his ring  all the time, every day 24/7, he never claimed that the ring bugged him either. Now, he hardly wears it . Complains that it bugs him because he normally doesn't wear any jewelry except his Celtic cross; which we both have one. I fell in love with it, and copied him. If I remember correctly he gave me mine after we were together for 4 or 6  months but I am not forsure on that.So I feel awful that I did this a few weeks ago...

 I took his ring one day to see if he would notice at all. He didn't. I was fucking broken. One weekend I was over there after having his ring all week, and him unaware that I took it. He showered, then got dressed and asked if I had seen his ring? I played dumb and told him no. He started to panic a little, continuing looking for it, as he was looking he told me how he took it off this morning to do yoga because he got all sweaty and he didn't want to loose it; mind you I wasn't there this morning when he did yoga, I got there in the late afternoon. So him telling me this, I thought well fuck maybe he may really want to wear it this time, I was excited about this thought.  I told him I'd look in his closet because maybe it was on his dresser in there. Also side note his ring was in my pocket this whole time as he is sitting there looking for his ring and lying to me.  So I walk into his closet, pretend to find it. He walked over so quickly. Hugged me kissed my forehead and said he loved me and didn't know what he would have done if he lost that ring because it means everything to him. At this point I feel like it doesn't mean anything to him. He didn't worry about it till after I was there a couple of hours and also didn't notice it wasn't there for a whole week.  Next time I took it,it was on his bookshelf, it had been for a few days. I was struggling so I wore it to feel him.. his love, his energy. I forgot I was wearing it and went home with it on. Few days passed, I was getting ready to head over to his house and I told him how I had his ring, and also why I had it. Again his ring was missing, The ring he loved so much and felt empty when he didn't have it on. Well again, I had it he didn't know until I told him I had it because I forgot I wore it when I was depressed and couldn't get out of a very dark place.. Not once did he ask if I had seen it or anything.. sure tells me alot when he didn't worry about it for a week or a little bit longer than a week. The next day he and his mom went out thrift shopping. I chose not to go because of the current state my mind was in. While they were gone I decided to place his ring on his speaker, right by his side of his bed. When he returned home I was gardening with his dad outside. Once we both went back down to his room, he noticed his ring . He thanked me for giving it back. Then in the next ten minutes it wasn't on the speaker anymore, the whole weekend I looked to see if he was wearing it, he wasn't, and he still isn't. So where it disappeared to is beyond me. Also he doesn't send me funny, cute,sexy photos of himself at all anymore. We used to send them to each other all the time. Sadly I've stopped sorta because I get responses like "having fun?" Or no response at all... NVM I've written a lot and I have 1 follower. I just needed to get this out and off my chest. I honestly have no one to vent this to. He said I can always vent to him, and I've tried with this before but I guess it's all in my head because he won't ever really talk about it or answer anything anymore... It honestly ripped my heart out, tearing my soul to tiny bits. He doesn't see all this, that I'm going through or experiencing and it's like he doesn't care. I just need reassuring that this isn't all in my head and that he still loves me and wants to be with me. He also is avoiding me when I ask if I can come over or when I can see him next. This has been the first week like a full week that we haven't seen each other. He hardly texts or calls or responds to my texts and it kills me. It kills me to think that he is done. But treating someone like this and how it makes me feel is uncalled for, also unnecessary to do to someone who you love mind, heart and soul. It fucks a human up. Drives them insane. But what do I do if I am wrong? What if this is all in my head and things are only going this way because I'm projecting them? I honestly need someone to see this, a stranger, a human, alien, anybody. I need an answer to this issue that I'm experiencing. I need a human to talk to that isn't scared to talk to me like I feel like he is. I can't take this. I need to know if I am projecting and fucking shit up or if he really doesn't give a shit and doesn't love me but doesn't have the balls to tell me and end it.

I hate saying let alone think that.

Thank you for hearing me vent and what not. I just need someone, anyone. So I'm begging anyone, I wouldn't care if he stumbled upon this himself and read it. Maybe if I was lucky he would respond to it, to prove to me that I'm projecting and to knock this shit off because he truly loves me . If he does find this and read it I hope he proves to me that he loves me and cares because my brain is evil all the time and I've just needed an amazing hug and one life changing kiss like he used to give me daily. I don't want to lose him. I love him with everything I am. I just can't handle this pain. 

P.S. 

B- I love you with everything I am. I want this to work. I can't be silent. I hope this gets your attention finally because I can't keep ignoring this, whether it's just my evil brain projecting or if you're really done. I need to know please because it's breaking everything I am. I love you. Forever and a day. Always. Xoxo A

[inspirationallyinsane]

July 9th 2018

Tumblrrrrr :D It's me. Your fav. I'm so good. Yes. So good. My life is incredibly full and I'm a full ass person and it's cool. I'm not going to lie though, I haven't put myself in a position for disappointment for a while. Not since Vince. I wasn't sure if I would. I'm not sure if I want to. And obviously Vince was a whole lot more than disappointment. But! Similar. Heartbreak is just like, exaggerated disappointment. You feel loss? Waste? Sadness? It's interesting, I think. I've only been truly heartbroken twice in my life. Lmao I did not set out to write about this but I guess we're going to. Um. And both of those times I think that I almost enjoyed it in a strange way. I remember after Vince just dipped tf out I was so completely broken that the whole world seemed different. I was watching it happen, but not living in it. I wasn't present for shit. It was like a quasi-death. A part of me died and was watching the rest of me function and be a person, but in reality? I was not a full person. I was half a person, half watching things happen, half experiencing things. And then!!! There were moments when suddenly that part of me re-entered my body?? My soul?? And the colors were bright again. Brighter than they ever had been. The most beautiful moments I have ever known. It was very similar with Austin but the difference was that I was not present for a lot longer after him. I dipped out for a solid two years after Austin. Well. Until I met Vince. And that was not good. I was not good. Somehow I have learned how to fix myself. I learned how to escape the lie and keep myself present. It's neat. 3 months? It only took 3 months. I can do anything for three months. So. What is heartbreak to me now? What is the risk? What is the sadness, really? I thought my love died to him, I thought he had won, beat me. He had swung his sword enough, finally slayed me. But I was wrong af. I have never been happier and healthier than I am now. Last night was fun. It was a good time. Yesterday was incredible. My song did well for its first day. I got a lot more listens than I did on any of my others when I first released them. And chocolate texted me about it :) I'm not sure how interested in pursuing that I am at this point. It was fun writing the song and the lyrics are fun but in reality? I'm really leaning more towards the "no" side at this point. I was in a different situation when I wrote that, when I met him. And he's fun and I don't doubt that it would be fun. I do hope to see him again before I can't again. But. There's no sure things about what will happen. I like things to develop kinda naturally and smoothly. I don't wanna force anything. Just cuz I write a song about sucking some dude's dick, doesn't mean I necessarily will. And I actually had a lot of other people text me about it too!!! All good things!!! No bad feedback on this one. Genuinely I am shocked. I got soooo much shit for my other songs. Like. So much. And some of it was dumb shit, like this kid from my youth group left a comment on one of my songs and it was about how one of my lyrics was "wrong" but it just went over his head a bit. And so now I kinda laugh about it, but I'm so hungry for every single person's praise and love that at the time it was hurtful!! I was like??? Wtf. Why did you feel the need to say that on my soundcloud? I see you every week you weirdo? I could've explained the lyric to you, and then neither of us look bad. Could've saved both of us embarrassment. But no. You just had to go and do that. Idiot. "Idiot" is one of my favorite things to say now. Just how Dwight says it in the office. Dwight is the cutest. He's my fav. We're similar, I think. Obviously he is a character, and in many ways, I am too, just not as violent, perhaps. Haha. But driven and excitable and unsure and sensitive. I am easily messed with. Idk. People tell me I'm like Dwight. Who tf knows. Anyway. So yes, my song release was a success. And my picture didn't get taken down from insta! Which is awesome. I like it a lot. I look hella fine. I always look fine tho. Let's be real. Umm and then the rest of my day was very nice too :) Significantly better than expected for sure. Not that I exactly thought it wouldn't be good. I knew, to some extent, as I usually do with these things. But. 11 hours is a long time to spend with someone. I don't do that often. If ever? Have I ever? 11 hours. I think the last time I did that was when I went to Bandon with Scott. When I was 16. Woah. That's crazy to think about. I mean, I guess it's not super normal. People don't do that. They should though, maybe. It's fun. It's nice. I'm not sure how much I should say. I like to talk/write about things, in depth. However, that isn't always smart. Not always a good idea. Sometimes, it's a good idea to keep your feelings all up inside of you. And it's about 50/50 with my judgement calls on these sorts of things. Like Chocolate? I was concerned that might be a bit much, and it turned out fine. Better than fine. The response was good. But like when I wrote about shit with Zach I did not expect such an aggressively upset response. So. Wtf do I know, really? Ok. So. Here's the thing. I'll just say this. And it's going to be difficult and upsetting for me not to say a whole lot more. But I'm not going to. I have a lot of thoughts, and a lot of things going on inside of my head. And I'm not sure if I'm putting myself in a good situation, I'm not sure if I trust the situation. And yet, as I tend to do, I will trust the situation and let the things happen to me and see what happens. End of story. Also!!! I started writing another song today!!! That's exciting. I've never jumped into a new one so soon after I released one. I'm happy with how this one is going too. I have a chorus and the first verse. Kinda pounded that shit out in about ten minutes. I was inspired. I think I'm going to call it Bury, Bloom. Some of you, well, like two of my readers may know what I'm referencing there. Lmao. I don't tend to write things to or for or about people that I know they will never read/listen to. But I believe this is one of those times. She won't ever see this or hear this. Unless things change dramatically. But I'm a pussy and so they won't. Oh well. Here's a thing that I have been thinking about; I think that identifying the line of events in life is really important. I wrote a little bit about this a few months ago but I haven't really been able to get it out of my head. I think this might connect to the meaning thing. And maybe that is why my subconscious (?) is telling me it is important. I'm having to start with myself. From the beginning. This thing led to this thing and then this and that, so on and so forth until every passing second. Endlessly. Until I die. Um. But it's like, every single person, every single thing, every single thought, has influenced my actions which create who I am today. Similarly, I have had a part in creating a part of everything around me, things that are inconceivable to me. Actions I have taken, actions I have not, all of it. Indecision is decision in itself. Stagnation is an action. How does it tie into meaning? I don't know. I gotta think about that. The machine. The machine though! I'm a part in the machine and the machine would function differently if I functioned differently. Ok. Ok. So if the machine can, certainly can, function differently and "produce" different things, then it must!!! It must be producing for a reason. Why though? What reason? What is the production for? I've been thinking about the refrigerator thing a lot too. That little gift of a metaphor that Benadryl gave me. So. Here's how I see it, right? The multiverse exists. Right? Almost definitely. There is a "universe", a time, in which matter doesn't exist. Matter, energy, none of it exists. There is no refrigerator at all. It isn't even about whether someone is using it or watching it or appreciating it, it simply isn't there. And you have to think of it this way, perhaps: A home, a universe, in which a fridge never existed would not miss the fridge because it does not know the fridge. But! If a home that already had a fridge all of a sudden did not have one, there would be a noticeable difference. If! Time were different, if TimeTM were to suddenly break, as we know it to be, the machine could cease. SO! Since the machine exists at all, and there is a lack of machines as well, the machine existing in the first place must mean something. It must have purpose. It has to. Because otherwise it just wouldn't exist. Why though. That's the thing. I can't outrun all the "why though"s. It's endless with these sorts of things and I could throw it right back but I don't like to argue like that. Why though? Is a valid question, and I would like to know. So you know what?? I will take your why though and turn it into a solid answer. I've progressed quite a bit over just the last few weeks even. Hm. Maybe if I can tie the two things I just talked about together that might get me even further. Fuck Kant. He can't kill philosophy for me. I'll know the shit you glorified con man. Nice job killing the conversation, you garbage person. I like most philosophers, no lie. But Kant? Socrates? Assholes. No good. Not worth their salt. That's what I say. Plato?? Wayy better than Socrates. 100%. Socrates can suck me. Anyway. I'll get really upset if I keep writing about Socrates. Lord knows. Tumblr. Thank you for giving me a place to put my ramblings :) y'all are wonderful. I know a lot of people only follow me for my selfies cuz they're a little slutty and sexual like 90% of the time, but I don't really care. Maybe the reason doesn't matter as much as the existence of it at all :p lol. Look at that. Life is cool. I love being alive. It's funny because I've been thinking recently I might die. Because that would be so ironic. I think that would be a little funny. Not in a "haha she died" sorta way but it's like, I have always wanted to die. Since the moment I was old enough to have real feelings. 13? Probably. I have seriously considered suicide for years and years and years. I've felt dead, at least in part, a majority of my quasi-adult life. And now I do not. For the first time ever. For the first time I am excited to wake up, I'm excited to think, I'm excited to be me. I'm excited for my future. I think it'd be really ironic if I died rn. Like the kind of irony that I would wanna write about. I think if I were about to die right now I'd be really disappointed I couldn't write a poem about it. I'd be a mad ghost. Someone better write about the irony of my death if I die. Ya know?? Ok. I haveee to try to sleep. Again, thanks for listening Tumblr. Hopefully I will be able to write more specifically about many things, soonish. Goodnight, until next time :D

[victoriousvictoriajackson-blog]

February 23, 2018 - Oblivescence

I only got up because I wanted to try and change your mind again. It seems everyday for the past few years of High School I have been trying to paint clarity, mold interest, replicate passion. But it is like trying to do it with only black paint. Nonetheless, despite last night and what happened with my friends, and everything else I’m sure I’ll explain, I woke up at 6:31 in the morning (somehow I didn’t oversleep the entire morning, since my alarm failed) just to try again. 

By the end of the day, driving home with my mom, I realized I had failed everything. It was lunch time. I left without looking or telling my friends, and they hadn’t noticed despite being a few feet from me. Not until the end of lunch I received a phone call from one of them, the worst one of all, asking if I was OK. 

I have failed with everyone. I tried telling my dad about the IB program, how hard it is, how I have my tests coming up. Suddenly and very quickly he said “I have to go, I am at the store. I’ll I’ll call you later.” Like he always says, but never means it. I know I can’t read minds, I know I could be missing pieces of the story, but why do I always annoy him?

Then my mom. She’s heard me, she’s said so. But she never changes. I ask her to be thoughtful. I ask her not to drink anymore. Oh, it’s a part of her personality, who she is. I guess it never happened. I am just living the in the past. Being hit in the face starts to hurt less after a while, right? 

Biggest of all, because I am leaving soon and I couldn’t care less anymore about the stubborn entity that is my parents. 

People.

People are selfish, envious, insatiable, hedonistic. 

There are a few who are not, but I would estimate that less than .00001% of the world population is. The number changes depending on society’s age, culture, deaths and births, but it doesn’t get any higher than that number. I’m not included in that number. 

Yesterday, on Facebook, I received a message. It was in a group chat with all of my friends (6 of us on there, 8 in real life). Dell had just been officially kicked out of her house by her mom. I know Dell and her step-dad didn’t get along very well. She’s never met her real dad, or if she has and I just forgot he never makes an effort for her. And by doesn’t get along I mean that he (according to Dell), breaks her stuff, screams at her, forces her to get a job and more. In my opinion, there’s absolutely more to the story. There’s no way she comes home, does as she is told, and still gets kicked out. Here’s how the conversation went, exactly: 

Dell: so guys i actually got kicked out of my house and now i guess im homeless or something? idk where to go or what to do but i have some of my stuff in my car. I stopped by my uncles house for the internet but i actually am so worried right now

Olivia: oh my god, do you need a place to stay?are you okay?WHAT HAPPENED?!

Dell: i dont know. my dad wasnt home when i was there but my mom told me that i better find a friend because i cant live there anymorei dont know! i dont know where to go or what to do honestly. oh and apparently last night when i was downstairs my dad threw my phone on the hardwood floor so it shattered so i dont have that anymore

Olivia: Thats ridiculous! you are free to come here if you need a place to stay or anything! Oh my god! that is SO unfair! wtf!?

Dell: i really appreciate that! im just scared right now about what to do.

Olivia: of course, im really sorry. Where are you right now?

Dell:  my aunt and uncles house just so i could find internet. idk if im allowed to stay here tonight though

Olivia: oh geeze, thats horrible! especially with all the already-existing stress right now

Dell: Right?! college, and ib tests and now this on top?! its too muchhh

Olivia: yeah, ugh idk how i'd deal with that. Again, you're free to stay here (my house is small and messy but theres always welcoming space) and Im sure anyone in our friend group will let you stay too!

Sarah: Dell You can come to my house too! There's plenty of room, seriously. My address is 3403 D RoadDo you have clothes and stuff? Do you need someone to take you by your house tomorrow and help you pack? My mum can escort you cause she's scary and she'll make your mum let you in

Zoe: RIP Dell

LATER:

Me: DELL WHATWHATWHAT????!!!!!??Okay I have an idea !!! Help Dell fund where we all get jobs and support Dek :,( :,( :,(Also yes I am willing to help with anything of course. I am just so shocked they actually did that to you

Tully: Me too. That’s so ridiculous I can hardly believe it. You poor thing, you don’t deserve that at all!

Olivia: know! It's so ridiculous! We're all here for you dell!I know and this is the WORST time to do it like you said! I hope she responds again soon I am worried

Tully: Seriously!! And me too. I’m sure she’s just at her aunt and uncles and hasn’t checked the computer or whatever she was using to text us. But yeah, I hope she responds so we can figure out where she can stay for the night and all that. God, I still can’t believe this is really happening! It’s insane!!

Me: I know how do parents actually kick their kids out, especially Dell!! Dang is she like a secret drug dealer or something that we don't know about? I'm happy she at least has her aunt and uncle too!

Tully: I know!! It makes no sense!! Yeah, I’m glad she has them, and she has us too! But still, that is going to be really hard ugh poor Dell

So, eventually in our phone group chat, separate from the Facebook one (the phone one includes all 8 friends), the topic comes up again. Is Dell okay? Where is she, what ended up happening?

I text Claudia, the closest friend to Dell and second closest to Zoe. Tully and Olivia are new to the 4 crowd (5 if you count Sarah, but many times she is excluded as she’s not as liked anymore), so they aren’t nearly as close, but they still care a whole lot. I ask Claudia if she has heard about the drama. Claudia says that all she knows is that Dell is at Zoe’s house. She also says how left out she feels from information. 

Here’s the first problem #1. Zoe told Claudia, but not me, and not anyone else. That means that Dell, Zoe and Claudia all knew where Dell was, but not me. Instantly, i feel wayy more left out than Claudia says she supposedly feels. But it gets worse. 

I ask Claudia after a bit of complaining about how left out we both feel, not realizing the above, if I should let Tully, Olivia, Sarah and Isabelle know that Dell is OK. Claudia says something along the lines of “uhh I don’t know you know maybe we should ask”. So I say, OK, I will ask Zoe. 

Here’s my second problem #2. Claudia lied to me about feeling left out. Officially lied. I could be paranoid, but I seriously believe it doesn’t add up. 

I ask Zoe if I can tell our friends where Dell is. Zoe says a relatable joke, then replies with “No, she wants to remain mysterious.” 

Problem #3. I genuinely cared about Dell. The reason I wasn’t going to find out if she is OK was because she wanted to be “mysterious”? I guess I shouldn’t have cared nearly as much as I did, because she was actually feeding on that attention. 

Problem #4. If that is true, then the above problem applies, and I can honestly say I’ve related and felt that way. It is a TERRIBLE, ATTENTION thing. If it isn’t true, then it sure does sound like something easy to make up when you don’t have a good reason to someone you DON’T TRUST. 

So I reply “I’m definitely going to need clarification on that mysterious part lol”

Zoe says “because RIP Dell, y’know?” jokingly. Then she says, lengthily, how “she just doesn’t want anyone knowing where she is right now, but I am telling you because you special.”

Problem #5. She wasn’t going to tell me whatsoever. I am not special. She is complimenting me to make up for her guilt so that I still like her. 

Problem #6. If this is a “special” case, it can be officially confirmed that none of them trusted me OR liked/cared about me enough to tell me. Remember, I cared about Dell and was worried. 

So today I left because of that. The entire day I had avoided starting conversation, and would only reply when they talked to me first. Then, driving with my mom on the way home and the music on, over the bridge, I saw him. The guy I had gotten up just to see that day. I’d saw him earlier for a whole hour (never happens, we don’t have any classes together anymore, but we’re both in the same program). It was awesome, definitely satisfying. 

He knows how I feel, which I should also add. I know he looked at me twice but I don’t know how much more. And sometimes you can tell when someone just doesn’t know what to do with their body because you are around. He either hates me or doesn’t know what to say to me about how he feels. Of course, I am living on the idea that he is at least attracted to me (based on many past experiences as well). 

I saw him on the bridge with his sunglasses on and someone in the passenger seat (in the moment I thought it was his brother, but I never actually looked at the passenger’s face). Of course, he is the hottest thing when he literally does anything, even covering his face from me in class. 

But I felt like I had failed everything. I didn’t have him. I am probably delusional. No one favorites me in the friend group. I know it is partially my fault. I don’t ask to hang out with any of them one on one. But do I really want to? People are so selfish. I don’t want them to know anymore about me than they already do. 

I did ask him to hang out one on one last year, Junior year. He said sure, but it never went through because when i asked him the next day what he wanted to do (in real life, both times), he couldn’t say anything. He was with his friends, but he was definitely uncomfortable. Even angry. So I said “okay, see you later.” We haven’t talked one on one since then. 

But I have texted him. I want to say 3 times I initiated conversation on Instagram, since i didn’t have his number. He followed me first near the end of Junior year, when his friends made one for him. First, I messaged him a picture of a turtle, because I knew he liked them. Then, I reassured him I didn’t like his friend. He asked me “Okay, so who do you like??” Then, i replied “You! But it’s okay if you don’t feel that way. I was paranoid Kailey said something.” I never got a reply from him after that. 

Then 5 months later, he unfollowed me on Instagram. Of course I noticed the hour of. So I texted him again and it was emotional. I asked him casually “why have I been defollowfied?” And said, “i really regret ever saying anything. I just want to go back to normal.” Again, never got a reply.

The next day at school, he sent me video of him in Spanish, covering his ears. I thought it was funny and I replied with “that reminded me of the Vietnam war.” 

He asked “who is this?” 

I said “I am me, who is this?”

And he flipped me off. This time, I didn’t reply. I sent things and then removed them (which I am happy you can do) before he saw them. That was November. Now it is near the end of February. February 23rd to be exact. 

I woke up just to try again. This Monday, I will try again. This time, by passing by him 3 times in the hallway in the morning. 

[smoothshift]

Stopped car browsing for a year - here's what happened via /r/cars

Stopped car browsing for a year - here's what happened

(I just wanted to post some rough impressions of changes I saw in the car market in the last year, just to get other's opinions. I thought I would add more around that talking about my year away from browsing cars. Feel free to scroll to #3 and give me your impressions.)

So you have a desk job. You love cars. That internet browser isn't going to guide itself. You search for the enthusiasts dream: something awesome that you will, somehow, not loose money buying...even if you don't have enough for a down payment.

You've been there. You've searched until you realized you weren't getting paid for searching for it. Searched until you felt the car market was dumb. Searched until you start thinking odd ball things are good ideas. I've searched the interwebs until I've found something so tempting, I couldn't avoid it.

But work situations change. You run out of spaces for more cars. Your girlfriend worries you will get stuck in your own traffic. Anyway, I stopped searching for cars for a year.

Here's what I felt after a year hiatus:

I felt better Of course, you get more real things done but something else happened. There's this feeling you get when you've been sucked into the internet, going from one thing to another, only to be shocked by your surroundings to realize that you've been watching the entire Selena Gomez youtube playlist (not me....but I've heard it can happen). You feel guilty. Eye strain for no good reason. You've wasted your most valuable resource (your time). With cars, its too easy. It starts innocently with "I wonder what a first gen NSX goes for?" (Check eBay. Check Craigslist. Autotrader. I should check the NSX blog. The new one is out. Blog for new car reviews. Oh look, someone made a go cart out of a wheelbarrow. Hmm, how much is a shifter cart? How much is it to get a Nintendo 64 and Mario Cart?...Wait, where am I?)

Relief in automation I set up a couple of automated searches for some of the common websites (my local craigslist, ebay, Hemmings) just to watch the values of a car I have and was thinking of selling. This was wayy easier than sporadically checking values on too many websites. Since it was easier I thought, maybe this is cheating to my 'hiatus' but maybe I should do this for a couple of bucket list cars. And I did. So I would get an occasional email, be annoyed that I got it, open it if I was still curious, and go about my day. Life. Better.

Car asking prices are oddly dynamic. All not that long ago, most car prices just slowly declined. If they were old and desirable, there would be step increases in price sometimes not even observable in the short term. Lately though, it seems that many enthusiasts cars, new or old, can have aggressive transitions in typical asking prices (10-50%). Often there seems to be no understandable reasons in these price changes. Sometimes its a reaction to viral content. Sometimes its the flavor of the day. You could say sometimes its the change in economy but that seems to take longer to change than these prices. Here are some things I have noticed after my break and then, admittedly, checking back in to car browsing. (No science here. Just looked at asking prices and wrote down first impressions. I would be interested to hear your take.)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

DOWN

Aston Martin DB9s, down $5-10k

BMW M3 E92, down a tad.

Dodge Viper (3rd gen), down $5-10k

Ferrari 355 were up then and now feel like they are down $10k.

Ferrari 550 were similarly up. Now down ($20k?).

Mitsubishi Evo X, down $5k

2010 Nissan GTR, down $10k

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

UP or FLAT

BMW M3 (e46), no change

Datsun 510, up 100% (really?)

Lotus Elans and Espirits up 10%

Lotus Elise, flat

Lamborghini Diablos are an extra 25%.

Lamborghini Murcielagos are an extra 15%. (Manual and automatic differences here.)

997 Porsche turbo, up ~10%

997 Porsche GTS, up ~5%

997 Porsche Carrera, no change

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX What are your impressions of changes in the market?

[opepin]

october: week three

16: i woke up pretty refreshed and glad because i was having another one of my action-packed, nightmarish dreams. lol. i got up at around 8:15 am and then headed over to the fitness center to do some leg workouts. i squatted and deadlifted 45 lbs (i went up by 5) for 4 sets of 12! i almost died near the end but it was great. then i did 12.5 lbs for my bulgarian split lunges, jump lunges, rdls, and weighted lunges. i went down to 10 lbs for my fire hydrants and leg lifts and hip thrust. i was sweating so much. i got back, stretched and cooled off, showered, made myself my breakfast smoothie, and then got to work. kevin took a sick day and he also had to drive his dad to the airport so i think it was a good idea. i worked on a video tutorial one pager in the morning and then went into a customer call. for the rest of the day, i worked on practicing for tomorrow’s training session and prepping the materials. i was on stand up when poppa chen had to leave and fly back home. i said bye to him and kevin drove him to the airport. lol kevin got stuck in traffic for like 40 minutes and i would have gone with him but my stand up lasted wayy longer than expected. after stand up, i talked with phil about tomorrow and then made the last changes to the training itinerary.

kevin gamed when he got back so i went to finish up leg day. i did a ton of squats and deadlifts. my quads were literally shaking. then i did a weight-less hip workout to see if i could fill in my hip dips (over time ofc). kevin cooked while i showered. then we ate while watching yakitate! japan. then we played trine 2 before kevin needed to shower. after his shower, we played some more and then he gamed with the guys after. i watched youtube videos and then just ended up sleeping at like 12:30 am... maybe later? idk, i think i was on my phone ahah. wfh makes me want to sleep and wake up later.

17: andddd i was sore waking up! lol, i woke up at 8:30 anyway because kevin kept waking me up last night from his tossing and turning. i had another bad dream lol. i broke up with kevin in my dream LOOOL and he was really sad. i told kevin that these past two days i’ve been having bad dreams and i think it is because he keeps disturbing my sleep -__-’ anyway, i did 30 minutes of hip hop cardio and then showered and washed my hair. i am going to wash my hair more often now. it’s growing outward and kinda longer and i sweat a ton during my workouts so i feel like it gets oily real quick now. i’m going to grow out my hair and then splurge sometime in the future on a great haircut. i hate my hair right now tbh. after my shower, i made myself my bfast smoothie and i looked up some weight lifting information. i’ve gained about 3-5 lbs and my body fat is a tiny bit higher than it was before (it’s my first time weighing myself since i started lifting free weights). i was wondering if my weight gain is normal or what. i conclude that i need to stop eating as much as i have (especially fats) lol. i think i’ve treated myself a good amount this past month and half :) i’m going to focus on trying to eat more protein (how do people eat so much?!) and definitely lower fatty foods and i guess the same amt of carbs. i’ve been hitting my carb goal. so i’m doing a bit of a mini cut? but not really lol. my clothes are a bit tighter but it’s all in my legs so idk if it’s muscle or just more fat. my love handles have kinda grown a bit too.

anyway, i drank my smoothie and then went into a training session from 11 am to 1 pm and then a quick debrief and talk with phil afterward for 30 minutes before a 30 minute or so stand up. i ate lunch and then i took a break and played trine 2 with kevin. phil never pinged me back and i couldn’t record my video tutorials because it was pretty noisy at home. the day was over before i knew it and then i did some internet errands. kevin and i took an hour nap after i finished up with work. he said he was feeling tired and i felt a bit jdsfndjkf from working too. after our nap, kevin cooked dinner while we watched some yakitate! japan together. we ate and watched another episode and then kevin went to game while i read. i started reading ‘sleeping beauties’ and i also finished the experience mapping book, finally! i finished reading right around 11 pm and then stretched. kevin actually hopped into bed at 11:30 pm and then i finished stretching, brushed, and went to bed before 12 am. zzzz.

18: kevin woke me up at 7:20 am lol but then i went back to sleep until 8 am and then went for my kickboxing session shortly after. i showered and then made kevin congee with my mom’s leftover soup in the rice cooker. then i made myself my breakfast protein smoothie and went straight into recording videos. i managed to record two before i stopped to take a break, watch the newest episode of shokugeki and then ate lunch with kevin while watching yakitate! japan. :) i had to hop on a call with phil after and kevin went to play hots. he took advil and felt a lot better after he took it haha. i did some more work and then hopped on a very long stand up -__-” i finished up some video work and then played trine 2 with kevin. when it got to around 5:45 pm, kevin went back to gaming on his computer so i could pop some chicken thighs in the oven and hit the gym for my second session of the day. i’ve gained some fat in my waist area and i want to tighten it a bit so i went back to some of my weighted oblique workouts. my obliques were on fire. i used a 8 lb weight for 30 minutes of moves like the wood chopper, standing oblique crunches, etc.

i came back, took out the chicken, made myself a second protein smoothie without peanut butter and cocoa but with cinnamon (it was aiight), and then took a quick shower before microwaving / steaming frozen veggies and plating dinner for kevin and me. :) we had a very healthy dinner LOL. we ate and watched yakitate! japan and then kevin went to sleep at like 8 pm. i cuddled in bed with him until 9 pm and then went off to wash dishes and clean the oven. lol the last time i made apple pie, i didn’t put a tray underneath it so some of the juices spilled to the bottom of the oven :( it created a sugar film on the bottom of the oven so i used a dull pizza cutter and paper towels to scrap it off. after the kitchen was cleaned, i watched the newest episode of jane the virgin and some of youtube videos. i got real sleepy near 12 am. kevin went to shower and then i slept at like 12:20 am with kevin. zzz. it was a quiet night with myself, which i didn’t mind. i was going to read but i wanted to watch something instead ahah.

19: i was pretty awake when i got up at 8 am. phil sent me over things that i needed to get to work on before exercising in the morning. so i did that, changed, and then did arms in the morning. my shoulders were actually sore from yesterday’s weighted ab/oblique workout so my workout was pretty hard to get through. then i came back, shipped off an aerie sports bra for a return, and showered. i made my smoothie after and then hung out with kevin for a bit before hopping on my computer and editing my video tutorials. that went straight into another 2 hour training session. phil kindly took the lead on this one because i’m kinda losing my voice and i’m just tired from all these back to back sessions with such a large group. after that session, we went straight on to stand up, which lasted longer than usual again. then phil asked me to stay on with dave and by that time, i was hangry. kevin had heated up our food already but i was stuck on a call that wasn’t even scheduled... and i hadn’t eaten since 9 am. -__-” i had to ask to leave because they got to a topic that i wasn’t involved in. so then i happily got off and ate lunch with kevin. kevin steamed some soup dumplings for us because i mentioned that i wanted some in the morning <3

the rest of the day went by pretty quickly with no meetings. i worked on my video tutorials and got them all recorded and edited. they are ready for uploading and updating! then i think i took a break and kevin took a nap. i just remember doing back exercises in the apartment (no jumping but just mat stuff) while the lights were dim and i don’t think kevin was gaming. after my workout, i showered and heated up our leftovers for dinner. kevin mentioned that he felt better. :) we watched some yakitate! japan and maybe gamed a bit? this evening is fuzzy. i know i went to sleep while kevin stayed up a bit to game.

20: wooo, today was the first day out of my six days of unused pto that i used lol. does that even make sense? well, i took a day off from work today. i woke up at like 8:30 am (still around the same time i get up) and then took my time heading over to the yoga studio. i did my hiit workout for the day and then went back showered, and made my protein shake. then i spent the day running errands. i made a dentist appointment for when i come back to chicago during thanksgiving, cleaned the dish washer, and tidied up some things. kevin and i headed to chinatown to submit his paper work for a visa to go to china and then we also ordered from gourmet dumpling house and got beef scallion pancake rolls, soup dumplings, and pork and leek dumplings. we experienced some traffic on the way back but had our food so we weren’t that bothered haha. we stopped by oh my tea and got ourselves some hot tea boba dranks. we watched some yakitate! japan while we ate and then kevin went back to work.

i hopped into bed to watch some videos and then talked to my mom for a while on the phone. then kevin got off work and we ordered dinner. i could have made noodles but i wasn’t feeling like cooking today. we ordered from hakata ramen. i got unagi don and kevin got ramen. while we waited for the food to come, we played trine 2. then we got our food and finished the level before watching some yakitate! japan. i think we spent the rest of the night just binging the anime LOL. kevin didn’t want to end on such big cliffhangers lmao. we watched until late at night and then i went to do my stretches before going to sleep. zzzz. what a good day! i’m going to love the next pto days that i scheduled for myself. :)

21: kevin and i woke up pretty early! kevin made us bacon breakfast sandwiches and we watched yakitate! japan. then we meal planned and went grocery shopping pretty early at 12 pm :O we never go that early! we spent more time shopping though because we were trying to find things we usually don’t get. because we were at kam man early, we got to buy a ton of bakery buns that are usually sold out by the time we get there at like 3-4 pm lol. we also got a lunch box to go for our makeshift lunch. we also got bomb af smaples from bj’s lol. we had a waffle with bananas and whipped cream, i got to eat a protein bar, and some chicken noodle soup! after our grocery trip, we got back, put away the food, and i got to snack on the hot cheetos i got. omg i forgot how delicious they are. T__T <3 i did my workout of the day, which was a full body strength workout. then i got back and showered. i started laundry and then made myself some edamame! well, i just steamed them with the microwave. i nommed on that with some of the bakery bread. mmm.

kevin gamed until we needed to get ready to leave for the zelda concert! i changed and got ready. then we ate leftovers of the lunch box from lunch and took the train to the wang theater. there were so many people out and about. there were also a ton of people going the same way as us. we got off downtown crossing and walked to the theater. then we used the washroom and headed up. i got irritated at kevin because when we got out together, he’s a bit of an airhead and just goes off by himself without waiting for me @_@; he’s really air-headed for some reason... we got to our seats and i think a guy accidentally spilled some of his alcohol on me because we needed to pass him in order to get in our seats and my pants were a bit wet when i sat down... there was no liquid on the seat sigh. it was a rocky start.

the concert overall was ok. i think final fantasy: distant worlds did a better job of playing music from all of their games. this concert was super focused on the more recent releases, which i have not played and it was meh. i mean, live concert music is wonderful but the connection to the songs were entirely there. kevin enjoyed the live music as well and was in the same boat as me except that i think he enjoyed it more lol. i was jkdfnsjkdf by the crowd leaving. omg, so many people and construction going on -__-” i felt less grumpy after we separated from the crowd and went back home. i was still a bit grumpy though because when we got back, my stomach was cramping like crazy but i had to fold laundry before going to sleep. so i did that and i told kevin i was stressed about cleaning (more specifically, cleaning tomorrow). he didn’t do much in terms of helping so i went to sleep pretty bothered. we did talk about it for a bit after he showered. sigh.

22: i woke up kinda still akjfnsdjkf about last night and all of the stuff i had to do today so i just went to the yoga studio and did a hiit workout. i talked to hillary on the phone afterward while i ate breakfast and started cleaning the apartment. i told hillary about my stress when it comes to cleaning every week and it actually made me feel better to talk about it to someone other than kevin lol. then i continued cleaning and kevin joined in by vacuuming. after i finished cleaning the bathtub, i put our sheets in the wash and then i took a nice break. i watched some videos, made myself some roasted chickpeas, and then laid on the sofa. before doing abs, i ate the roasted chickpeas and they’re pretty good! i felt bad using oil so next time i’m going to roast them without oil and for a bit longer to see how it is. they got soft after resting for a bit. poop. i did abs and then kevin started cooking. we talked about my cleaning stress lol and i think he gets it more now. then i showered and drank my second protein shake of the day. i pulled up crunchyroll and started watching a ton of anime .__. LMAO. i started watching too many to name... i really like ‘blend-s’ though and i left off watching ‘no game no life’, which was recommended by victoria a lonng time ago ahha.

we ate dinner while watching yakitate! japan. i forgot to mention that i came out of the shower only to find kevin eating a ton of hot cheetos. lol i don’t think we’ll buy any more after this time... it’s too addictive. anyway, we watched two episodes and then kevin went to shower. i continued watching anime until bed time. we made the bed together and then i hit the hay right before 12 am but then daniel messaged me and i ended up sleeping at like 12:20 am lol. cleaning today wasn’t too bad because i was talking to hillary on the phone while doing it and after i got off the phone, i put on some youtube videos while i was cleaning the bathroom. so i’m going to try to be more productive by saving up youtube videos so i can watch them while i clean. this will also help me with not laying around and watching a ton of videos when i have free time lol.

[lexxfics]

Hi Diary, It’s Me

~Entry Ten~

Need a recap? Or new to the series? Click HERE

Diary,

Long time no see! It has been an... insane last couple of days. I haven't written you in a while but, I have reasons for neglecting you - I promise. One of them I have a feeling you will be very happy about.

So after my last entry, he did meet up with me again. He had gotten the dance completely down and he asked if I could teach him another of IU's dances. I, of course, believed that maybe he had a thing for IU or maybe he just had a weird thing for girl dances - who knows.

But after that practice he asked if I was doing anything Thursday (which was yesterday). I said no, knowing that I was probably just going to be here practicing all day again. So he then asked if we could go grab something to eat - as a way of thanking me for teaching him some dances.

I was shocked. It would be the first time I had gone out to eat with anyone besides my family or the company in a really long time. So, I said yes.

He looked happy to be honest and it made me happy. I thought that this would definitely be a way for us to become closer and hopefully become friends because at this point - I really wanted to.

He is so easy to be with and so much fun to talk to. If I didn't have a thing for his band member, I am pretty positive that I would have fallen for him instead.

Anywho, we went to eat after the performance yesterday and he took us to a restaurant that he frequents a lot with his members. The owners knew him pretty well and were excited to see him when we walked in. I felt awkward, but he introduced me to them and they seemed absolutely lovely. They brought us out wayy too much food and said it was on them tonight (I still left some money though as there was no way I wasn't going to pay at least a little).

But we talked and talked and he started to open up a lot more. He talked about his family and how it was never easy for them to let him pursue his dream. But once he made it, they were his number one fans. I smiled at the thought, realizing that our parents were similar in the same way. And then when I found out how much older I was than him I almost about choked on my drink. (Like I knew I was older but damn.)

He laughed at my reaction and even called me 'Noona' to make fun of me. I threatened him that if he does that again, he wasn't going to learn anything else from me. He stopped and apologized right away, making me laugh along with him.

It was a great night. So when we had to part ways after walking back to my company where my car was, I was sad. I kind of didn't want the night to end. We both also kind of stood awkwardly, not knowing how to separate at that moment. He just decided to hug me again and I (thank god) hugged him back like a normal human being. And when he asked 'Same time, tomorrow?' I smiled and quickly agreed. He then left, waving as he went. I then headed back to my car, excited for our next dance session.

But then - tomorrow happened.

IU, the dancers, and I had another performance today and we ran into B.A.P in the middle of day. I was happy to see them and I looked for both of them, wanting to see the man I longed for and the person I wanted to grow closer to. But I only saw one of them - the dancer. I looked for the other one, curious as to where he was when I saw him and IU talking in a room.

I never meant to eavesdrop Diary but they were talking pretty loudly, so don't blame me. They were fighting. About what - I couldn't really make out, but it was pretty intense. My ear was pressed up against the door, trying to hear better when he suddenly came out, the door hitting my side.

His eyes met mine and they were full of rage. Confused and shocked, I had no idea what to say as he stared at me, trying to read me. Before asking what was wrong, he stormed off, leaving in the direction that the rest of the band went in.

At a loss, I turned to see that IU was crying, weeping into her hands, not so discreetly. I wondered what to do - if I should go in and comfort her or something - but I instead closed the door, curious over what had just gone down. I stayed put, making sure no one would get inside and she would have the time she needed. Hearing her cry was heartbreaking, Diary. I felt horrible and I didn't even know what was going on.

Luckily we were done for the day so when she finally got the courage to come out of the room, the six of us left, heading back to the company to go our separate ways. I was worried about her the whole time but I felt like asking would hurt her somehow so I kept my mouth shut.

We all got back and I was the only one who stayed knowing that he was most likely in the practice room, waiting to dance with me. I climbed the stairs and laughed when I saw him dancing in the room, trying to practice the moves I had taught him on Wednesday. I waited for him to finish and I then headed inside, applauding at his performance.

He was startled and embarrassed. It was adorable. We talked a little about our day and then we went straight into it. We practiced for a good three hours almost non-stop. He was really getting the hang of it. He had two of her songs down now and it was amazing. I was in awe of how fast he was learning.

We then took a break and sat down, drinking some water to re-hydrate. He then asked me if I had heard about what happened today. I shook my head and then he told me.

How he - my crush - broke up with IU.

I was conflicted in that moment. On one side I was happy and then I was also sad for IU. After seeing her crying today and being heartbroken, I was feeling more depressed than happy at the news. Curious, I asked him why he did that and he shrugged. He didn't know either. He just said that he knows that they just weren't working out that well.

I didn't know what to say or feel in that situation and he could tell as I stayed silent for a bit after he told me. He then got up from the ground and reached his hand out to me saying 'No need to worry about it. They will figure it out' and smiled. I then grabbed his hand and he lifted me up - nodding my head and mumbling a short 'I hope so'.

I wonder Diary. Will they get back together? Is it wrong that I don't want them to? But after seeing her like that today...I don't know what to think. I guess we will just see what happens from here on out.

I guess we will see.

XOXO

Arya