#but I am also v aware that I’m seeing the worst of the community

[clingylilhoneybee]

absolutely agree with your post about feeders !!! even as someone who DOES enjoy gaining in a sexual way (a feedee), expecting someone to be in that mindset 24/7 is degrading . fat people who like getting fatter also want to simply exist most of the time , it isn’t for the pleasure of others . and watching how non-feedee plus-sized individuals are subjected to that fetishisation makes it even harder to justify my own ..,,

tl;dr feeders need to mind their own business and not assume every big persons made for them and their own pleasure

Honestly!!!!

And it’s SO refreshing to see this perspective from someone in the community🩷bodies and kink are so incredibly nuanced and it’s so frustrating trying to navigate it with people who want to be so reductionist about it

[alltimefail]

Happy Day 2 of Cast Appreciation Week to Jayden Revri!

Like George, Jayden is not on Tumblr (to our knowledge haha), but I’m singing his praises everywhere today!

Thank you for everything you’ve given our fandom, Jayden! This letter struck a particularly emotional chord for me, but I hope it still made sense despite that haha!

Our perfect Charles Rowland, we love you so much! 💜💀🔎

Transcript of my letter below the cut!

Happy Cast Appreciation Week!

October 21, 2024

Dearest Jayden,

I have no idea how I will keep this brief, but I promise to do my best! I want to start by saying that you are a beacon of light in our community; from the way you root us on and engage with us online to the lovely environment that you've curated with your streams (where I've met some wonderful people), you have made our fandom so much better. We are incredibly lucky to have you. You’re a one-of-a-kind talent and your joy reads in everything you do. Honestly, it's simply FUN watching you act; I’m not sure how else to describe it, it’s nearly impossible to watch you on screen and not be completely taken by your thoughtful, intentional expressions. All this to say, I hope you’re aware of how multi-talented you are. (You even have a beautiful singing voice!)

Now, on a more personal note.

I relate to Charles in more ways than not, and I've rarely seen a character like him - one who deals with anger, shame, and trauma - portrayed with the kind of love, care, and reverence that you gave him. So often characters like Charles, and real-life people like him, are boiled down to their worst parts, and it's ironic because that's how they see themselves, too. (Again, I know this all too well. Shame is a liar, but when it's beaten into you as a child, you cling to it like an old friend.) I cried with Charles, I felt for him, and your performance is what initially locked me into Dead Boy Detectives.

I will never be able to find the words to describe how thankful I am that YOU played our Charles Rowland. I need you to know the pivotal impact this character has had on people like me: people who rarely get to see our stories told, but more than that, rarely get to be the "Heroes" in those stories. It’s the strangest thing, really: I found myself immediately sticking up for Charles and wanting the best for him before I even knew why. In having grace for Charles, I started viewing my own shame, my own trauma, with a little more grace, too.

Because to hear, over and over again, that people like Charles are not bad... they’re loved, actually, and not just loved but also enough, is life-changing for someone who carries shame with them everywhere they go. To see a character that I relate to be told that they deserve love, even when they can't "Keep smiling for everyone," is invaluable. This character will stick with me for life. You have given us such a gift through your portrayal of Charles, and I'm deeply grateful to you. I genuinely don’t think anyone else could have done what you did with this role, and you deserve to know that the work you did was never in vain. Charles’ story matters, and thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for telling it.

I am rooting for you big time, Jayden Revri! I think the world needs more of your sunshine, more of your talent, more of your immeasurable kindness and humbleness. I can’t wait for the next “Streamden” (lol). Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for loving this fandom in the way we love you!

You are our Charles, always and forever, and we will all be here to support you (and fight for you) in all your current and future endeavors.

All my love,

Veronica “V”

@ atfsims1

(Or "Sims" as you call me on streams lmao)

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

PRIDEFALL UPDATE: real or fake?

What is Pridefall?

Operation Pridefall, also known as Project Pridefall or simply Pridefall, refers to an attack planned by /pol/ (a political discussion board on the anonymous website 4chan) for all of June, AKA Pride month. The original 4chan thread, which has since been deleted, was primarily focused on “redpilling,” i.e. spreading queerphobic propaganda to make people question the LGBTQ+ community. However, now that it has spread outside 4chan, there are threats of harassing, doxxing, and outing queer people (especially minors) on social media, spamming gore and rape videos in private messages and Pride tags, and even kidnapping, assaulting, or killing queer people in real life.

Specific targets include Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and dating apps. The goal is to go after smaller accounts so the queerphobia isn’t lost in the comments.

Is Pridefall real?

Yes and no.

I searched “pridefall” on 4chan last night. Apparently any new threads on it are being deleted, and anytime someone mentions it, everyone calls them slurs and says no one is doing it.

However, Pridefall is gaining some traction on Instagram--I have seen it for myself. I don’t have TikTok or any dating apps, but I’ve heard that some people are spamming homophobia on TikTok. As for Twitter, I only looked briefly, but I saw some Pridefall accounts there, as well as a lot of warnings and blocklists from people who are worried about it.

I’ve also heard that there have been a few Reddit and Discord raids, and that there is an Operation Pridefall Discord server (someone who spied on them says they have been banned on Discord as well as a platform called Riot before, so very few people are left on the Discord server now).

What do you think, Lia?

This is not coming from 4chan. No one on 4chan is interested anymore.

Most likely, people outside of 4chan heard about it and decided to take matters into their own hands.

The original 4chan thread wanted to make Pridefall “normie-palatable” by avoiding Nazi imagery or other overt unpleasantness, but I have seen a LOT of both on Instagram. This reinforces my belief that 4chan isn’t doing this.

A lot of the people behind this are young, or at least unsophisticated. Most of the Pridefall accounts on Instagram engage in very childish trolling, and one of them said they were a minor. Some of the threats I’ve seen are so outlandish that I can only imagine they came from a fairly young person.

My guess? Most of these people are around 13-19.

There are also very few of them and some of them probably have multiple accounts. Anti-Pridefall accounts outnumber them by far.

However, on Instagram I’ve seen Pridefall accounts following each other and commenting on each other’s posts, so there may be a few groups working together.

A lot of this shit is going to get deleted. I know Instagram is working through reports very slowly right now because they have fewer people available due to COVID-19, but most of the worst accounts I saw last night were deleted by this morning. I saw some more accounts deleted today.

Most, if not all, of these Pridefallers are just trying to scare us. Because they’re probably quite young, there’s very few of them, their accounts keep getting deleted, and law enforcement can track online activity, there is no way they have the balls or resources needed to coordinate major attacks.

There is a very, very slight chance this could spill over into real life, but as long as you practice basic online safety, you will be fine.

That being said, if you are threatened or doxxed by a Pridefall account, PLEASE contact the police. Better safe than sorry.

I do think that the threat of being doxxed or outed is more real than the threat of being attacked. I have already seen one Pridefall account who posted a trans boy’s address on Instagram (he is okay, he posted recently) and another who posted someone else’s address.

There is little chance this will last throughout Pride month. Apparently the goal is for Pridefall to worsen until the end of June, but given that this is most likely just some vastly outnumbered teenage trolls who are bored in quarantine, I seriously doubt they’ll be able to stay interested for a whole month.

This might not be as big on Tumblr. Tumblr is a lot more anonymous than, say, Instagram, which will hopefully deter would-be doxxers. It’s also known to be a highly liberal and queer-friendly site, so any Pridefaller with half a brain cell should know that A) their content is sure to be outnumbered and reported (only us Tumblr users know how bad staff is at deleting questionable stuff), and B) anyone with the original goal of “redpilling” is sure to fail here. Plus, I only remember seeing few, if any, mentions of Tumblr on Pridefall planning threads.

Still, expect to see some Pridefall activity here. Unsurprisingly, not all of these Pridefallers have half a brain cell. Some of them will definitely be unable to resist the lure of a community as openly queer as Tumblr, and we’ve all seen or heard about doxxing, harassment, gore, Nazis, and queerphobes on here. Also, 4chan has historically had some beef with Tumblr, so young teenage boys who idolize 4chan may target us for that reason.

How can I stay safe?

If you have any social media accounts where you A) have posted identifying personal information, and B) are openly supportive of the LGBTQ+ community (especially if you’re queer yourself), put them on private for June. Any other accounts are probably fine to stay public.

If you need a private Tumblr, you can make a password-protected secondary account and only share the password with mutuals you trust.

It is probably okay to be openly queer on a private account (e.g. have pronouns/rainbow emojis in your Instagram bio), since a private account is not likely to be doxxed. But if you want to be extra careful, remove queer identifiers from anything that is publicly visible.

Use Pridefall blocklists. They’re all over Instagram and Twitter. I may repost some here.

Report any Pridefall accounts you see. This is VERY important because this is how we can actually get rid of Pridefall content.

DON’T RESPOND TO ANY PRIDEFALLERS WHO PERSONALLY INTERACT WITH YOU. I know it’s tempting to give a snarky reply, but if they message you, comment on your post, etc, just block them. Seriously, don’t feed the trolls. It's exactly what they want.

Make sure your password game is strong. Use a different password for every site (I know, I know, it sucks), and use passwordmeter.com to test their strength. Write them all down on a piece of paper.

Make sure your username game is strong. Don’t use the same username for multiple sites, and avoid putting personal information in your username, such as your name or birthday.

Do NOT open random links!! Pridefallers could message you links that will give you viruses or track your IP address.

Don’t accept DMs or follows from people you don’t know. Pridefall accounts don’t always look like Pridefall accounts. Some of them are undercover.

Use a VPN. This is probably a little overkill unless you’re particularly at risk of being doxxed, but it will hide your IP address.

Be careful who you interact with. A lot of queer people on Instagram are DMing Pridefall accounts or commenting on their posts, but this could make you a target. As helpful as anti-Pridefall accounts are, you might even be targeted for following those.

Be wary of Pride tags. Unfortunately, a lot of Pridefall accounts plan to infiltrate tags commonly used by queer creators during Pride month. Use discretion when looking for queer content.

Be safe IRL. Lock your doors, lock your windows, be aware of your surroundings, don’t walk alone in poorly lit places, know basic self-defense, etc. Again, I absolutely do not think people will be attacked in real life, but you should be doing this shit all the time, not just in June. Thanks to COVID-19, you’re safer inside anyway!!

Make yourself hard to dox. Even though I have a very unusual first name (it's not really Lia), I am extremely hard to find online. I just went into an incognito browser window and searched my first and last name in quotation marks, but I didn’t find myself until page 4 of Google (and that result wasn’t even posted by me). I’m only half as careful as I could be, but here’s some of the things I do:

-I never use a picture of myself as my profile pic, except for Facebook and Instagram, which are both on the highest privacy settings possible.

-If I post identifying information on a public account (my college, my age, etc), I use a pseudonym or my first name only.

-On Instagram, I only use my first name, and I used special characters to type it, so you won’t find me if you search my name.

-On Facebook, I only accept friend requests from people I know. Most, if not all, of my Instagram followers are IRL friends, friends of IRL friends, and trusted Internet friends.

-If I’m really being paranoid, I’ll make a brand-new email account to sign up for a site. That way, my accounts aren’t all linked through one email address.

-Before I post a picture online, I delete the EXIF data with verexif.com, since EXIF data can hold GPS coordinates.

🌈 Stay safe, everyone.

You will not be harmed. You will be okay. Like cockroaches, we are survivors, and we will get through this!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

-Mod Lia

[bentenharuki]

I generally don’t do these but...

I will do this because it’s a badge of honor and a thank you for @todayintokyo who gives me a daily vibe out of my second fav Country in the world (first one is my own, of course. My messy, chaotic, genius Italy).

So for everyone interested (I won’t tag people either... if you are among my 250+ readers, do it as freely as you like to share this unexpected hard time along others. Sharing makes us all feel less stranded I guess :)) 

1. Are you staying home from work/school? Yep. My University (Milano Bicocca) holds in-house lessons and curses and also exams and testing are/will be online. What I miss most are the lab works and the exchanges with foreign schools. I took one a few months ago in London and I was supposed to have another in May but... NOPE, of course.

2. If you’re staying home, who’s there with you? I am alone in my apartment. At first it was supposed to be shared rent with somebody else but then my parents just bought this out and lent it to me. I know. I am spoiled. But very grateful for what I have. I always try to give back the best I can because no one has merits in being born in a family instead of another. (pieces of second-rate philosophy in all my LONG answers courtesy of my mum and her influence on me. She’s a University Professor and her field is.. guess what.. ETHICS PHILOSOPHY)

3. Do you have pets to keep you company? Nope. Not allowed. But I like cats. Cats. CATS. They are elegant, refined, very clean, and they give you consideration and affection ONLY if they like you. I prefer to conquer somebody’s love instead than to have it by default. Then I am naturally a cat person instead of a dog’s. But I like all animals (I like snakes as well, so my range is pretty wide ;)), even though I don’t feel missing any in  house. Generally I would be out of home most of the day and no pet would be happy in staying that much alone. I miss my grandparents’ kitty tho :)

4. Who do you miss the most? Family. Friends. Meeting new people when out. And... (is it fine to say it?) Well... in these lockdown times I miss... human touch. (You get what kind). I was seeing a guy when this all started and my old boyf also came back into the picture somehow. All on hold. And I avoid to think how that makes me feel because even in case I’d figure it out, what comes if one can’t act on the awareness? Exactly. So I put it all in a LONG pause. But yeah... I miss contacts. A LOT.

5. When was the last time you left your home? I go out every Thursday to buy all my grocery stuff. I am very methodic. My supermarket is pretty near and it’s BIG and I get there right before it opens (well... one hour almost before it opens, so I can be among the firsts in line). I look like a ninja: very sporty and technically dressed (like for a running competition!) with clothes and shoes which are easy washable, tech mask (it is for cycling competition, with filters specifically medical: the mask is washable as well after you’ve used it, while the filter is obviously not), cotton fit gloves and over them medical gloves (I can’t wear directly medical gloves because my skin is very sensitive and I suffer from nickel allergia, which makes latex gloves a NO NO directly on skin), teck googles which cover also the side of my face (those are from cycling items too) and of course PODS in my ear because I can’t live without music :)

6. What was the last thing you bought? I bought online a few garden tools for my biggest balcony. I have ZERO skill with plants (and I am supposed to become a biologist... the nerve! LOL) but I am keen at making grow at least rosemery for my recipes. I have a little peach tree and it is all fine so far. I have hope I can do better and anyway I have time now ;)

7. Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed? I try to keep my routine as it was before. I wake up and perform all my tasks exactly as I was doing before this all started. I am VERY organized and to lax on that would ruin me, so I carefully focus on what I can control the best I can. It feels strange to say it maybe but... this way my mood isn’t particularly affected by this heavy revolution in my (and everyone elses’s) life.

8. Are you a homebody? NOPE. I love people, I love my Milan and its being always full of people everywhere. I love living in my town a TON, I love meeting friends anywhere, go dancing, I love to live my University life in this beautiful and renewed part of Milan; I like being surrounded by my people and meeting new ones. So being stuck at home would seem insufferable for me. But I learnt from this (there’s always something to learn in any experience) that I can be surprisingly ok with staying home too. I came to know better my neighbors. I feel a sense of community with everyone living nearby and I have come to love my domesticity too. It was a surprise for me first ^.^

9. What movies have you watched recently? In Italy, Italia 1 channel has had the WONDERFUL idea to rebroadcast all Harry Potter saga every Monday and Thursday. Today and tomorrow there are the last two installments, so I can say that is what I looked out the most for as in movie things these past weeks (funny how I never particularly adored the books of HP, I mean, I liked them but... being a Tolkien’s devotee Rowlings’ literary efforts always seemed lackluster to me.. and still I have always liked the movies. It’s incoherent I know ;)). But I have Sky at home so I can watch whatever movie I like to whenever I want to. And that leads to VERY little watch actually. I am reading a ton though. I watch what passes on in the National channels actually, out of digital and cable and decide to watch it or not. For instance last Friday Rai 1 (main Italian Channel) broadcasted one of my fav movies from the past three years, GIFTED (with Chris Evans and Octavia Spencer) and I rewatched it with immense pleasure.

10. An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled? OLYMPICS. I was supposed to be back in Japan with a a couple of friends and my bro for experience the Olympics (especially the volleyball tournaments) between July and August and that got (of course) cancelled. We plan to move it all to next year of course. But it hurts SO MUCH because it was easily what I was looking forward to BEST for all 2020. Hands down.

11. What’s the best and worst thing you’ve had to cancel? Look up. For the other question, I never plan things I don’t like (or at least I try my best not to) and I almost never find myself in the position of being happy for something I had going on which I had to pass due to circumstances. I am a very honest (sometimes to the point of bluntness, though with age I got trained in the fine art of diplomacy, which for me is declined especially in the “IGNORE WHAT IS NOT WORTHY degree) person and if there is something I don’t like I tend to not get involved with it in the first place.

12. Do you have any new hobbies? Eh... the longest list... I love so many things. Sport don’t count as hobbies to me because I treat them as part of my daily life constantly. So take them off. I like to write, to draw, to paint... I like reading, I like learning... I am a tech geek; I like gaming (but that I have to cut it or it would absorb me too much)... I like TRAVELING (that is cut off too of course nowadays), and many other things so I guess I don’t literally have SPACE for new hobbies. My many ones makes it impossible to fall for new things though lately I am becoming a better cook out of needs ;)

13. What are you out of? My lists are made as soon my things become “two items in from having 0″. This way I can’t run out of anything. Did I say already I am a HUGE control freak? THAT ;)

14. What music are you listening to? My itunes collections lists so far 12376 ALBUMS. Then I have the random songs. Latest one I bought (because I buy them all) is Achille Lauro’s latest 16 Marzo 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb-9RESbeWA

I am also listening a lot to one of my bro’s fav bands Radiohead and as usual a lot to my beloved Imagine Dragons. My mum and dad are also telling me to listen to Bill Withers (who recently passed away) whole discography because he was amazing. I love many music genres. I love ALL which makes the spirit soar and rage and evolve and love and cry and hope.

15. What are you reading? So far in quarantine I read 5 books. I have now to start ORIGINS by Dan Brown. I pick the books I have left unread randomly and that was the pick this time (people gift me with books constantly because they know I am a bookworm when I have spare time).

16. What are you doing for self-care? Keep loving myself and life and the world exactly the way I used to before this all started.

17. Are you exercising? Yup. Tapis roulant, golf training, stepper (all in my house lucky me) and mat and weight training. I have a routine for which I have to train at least one hour a day. NO EXCEPTION. I miss swimming but I will do. I am also in recovery after January’s knee meniscus intervention so my schedules are also taking that into consideration.

18. How’s your toilet paper supply? I'm OK. :)

19. Have you made any changes to your hair during quarantine? Nope. I love to stylize my hair but I don’t have specific cuts. It grows long and then I play with them hairstyles: braids, buns, ponytails, partitions and the likes.. But I have bleached hair and I had to follow my hairdresser advice because I can’t allow ugly roots to take dominance of me ^.^ So I bought the necessary to self bleach them. No need to say as soon as I will be able to, Hairdressers and Massages and SPA will be my first destination ^.^ (beside visiting family and friends of course).

I am fairly sure I put lots of typos and mistakes in this but I have my online lesson just starting in 8 minutes and I can’t review this (I generally never do it anyway). So forgive me and have a beautiful day ;)

STAY SAFE OUT THERE!!! Hugs K.

[deluxedolans]

from the drabble list: 128 and/or 105 :) i prefer e but ur a gray girl so it's up to you!!! i love all your writing!!!!!

hiii baby patient anon! thank you for waiting for this fic :))) tbt to when I was a grayson girl…ahh memories to when I felt safe!! but now I’m v much in ethan’s lane and it’s quite fun down here, anywho.

thank you so much for sending in this drabble which is actually not really a drabble and it kind of evolved into a longer fic? anyway, i love you so much, babe, and hope you’re having a great night/day wherever you are💙💙💙 it literally still blows my mind that people wanna see my take on certain ideas/prompts.

I am currently not accepting any drabble requests at this time.

@freewill-is-an-illusion

Prompt: 128, “Don’t touch me. We’re fighting.” & 105, “You can’t make up for it by giving me a tic-tac.”

Word Count: 3.7k 

A/N: So this is a part two to this blurb that I posted a few weeks ago! Both of these blurbs will be integrated into a full length fic that I’m currently writing (and which is taking an extremely long time to write so bare with me). I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think; love you all & I hope you’re having a good rest of your weekend :)))

ALSO, this blurb takes place in the same night as the last blurb. Additionally, the beginning of this blurb (the part written in italics) is the ending of the first blurb for a refresher/context. Sorry this author’s note is wicked long ahh.

“Guys, c’mon, let’s go! We’re gonna be tardy for the party–whoa.” Ethan’s mouth hung open at your appearance, he was truly stunned.

“That’s pretty much what I just said, bro! Doesn’t she look different?” Grayson said excitedly, his hands gesturing to you.

“Um, yeah she definitely looks different–so, you’re going out dressed like that?” Ethan asked flatly.

Your mouth fell open and your eyes narrowed at Ethan’s words, “you’re a real fucking asshole, you know that?” You pushed past Ethan and walked out the door, accidently slapping him in the chest with your purse as you walked by. You could feel your eyes well up in disapointment but you pushed the tears back, you did not spend all this time on your makeup just to have it ruined because Ethan was being a jerk.

Ethan stood there rooted to the ground, he did not mean to say that out loud.

“Way to go, genius. If you’re gonna act like a jealous douchebag, you at least need to let her know you like her first before you go off saying shit like that,” Grayson said shaking his head as he started walking out of the bathroom. “You’re gonna have to spend the rest of the night trying to make it up to her, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I fucked up,” Ethan mumbled as he followed his twin brother out of the bathroom, and walked towards the car.

You could feel your nerves kick into overdrive as you stood by the punch bowl of the house party with Grayson. Your senses were heightened; the combination of the mixed drink you were nursing, the rainbow strobe lights and the gaze of the cute boy across the room making you hyper-aware of your surroundings, your heart racing at all of the stimuli. 

 You and an incredibly attractive man, dressed as a boxer, had been eyeing each other from across the room for about a half an hour now, and you couldn’t tell if the butterflies in your stomach were ones of excitement or fear. Sure, you still had your crush on Ethan, and his words earlier definitely made you think twice, but he probably was A.) shocked that you were dressing like an actual girl for once, and B.) teasing you to get a rise out of you. You knew Ethan would never like you, you just weren’t his type; hell, you felt like you weren’t anyone’s type, but the way people were looking at you at this party most definitely had you feeling way more confident in your appearance …. or maybe that was just the vodka.

“Y/N, are you gonna talk to that guy over there or what?” Grayson asked. “You two have been staring at each other since we got here.” Your cheeks immediately burned with embarrassment.

“I have not been staring! I was … taking in the scenery,” you covered lamely, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. Grayson rolled his eyes; you were the worst with communicating with boys you liked, exhibit A being Ethan and exhibit B being right now.

“Mhm, sure whatever you say. I bet if I leave he’ll come over here.” Grayson’s eyebrows shot up mischievously, a wide grin decorating his mouth. Your stomach dropped; Grayson couldn’t leave, then you’d be alone.

“Wait, what? Stop, Gray, what if he actually comes over here!” You immediately turned away from the guy who had broken his gaze with you for probably the twentieth time that night, turning your back to face away from the crowd.

“Well, that’s kind of the point; he’d be a dumbass not to! C’mon, Y/N, you’re so pretty and funny; let yourself have some fun with a guy for once, alright? I’ll be right over there if it goes south and he needs a roundhouse kick to the throat,” Grayson said, putting a hand on your shoulder to reassure you.

You put a hand on his shoulder, mirroring his position, “You can’t leave me. I’m not mature enough for this … Or drunk enough, if I’m being honest.”

Suddenly Grayson stuck his arm out, pointing a finger into the sky, “Holy shit, Y/N, look at that!” Naturally, your body turned in alarm to see what Grayson was talking about. But sadly, by the time you turned around, Grayson had fled to the couch across the room. He flashed a thumbs up as you glared daggers at him for pulling such an idiotic trick. 

When you turned around, you were met with two crystal blue eyes and messy, sandy blonde hair; the boy from across the room finally worked up the nerve to greet you after almost an hour of stolen glances.

“Hey, nice robe,” Mystery Man commented, his head nodding towards the black silky fabric that adorned your body. You could feel yourself blush as you looked down at your outfit and then stole a peek at his own; his robe matching yours almost exactly.

“Wow, thanks, seems like that is a trend tonight, huh?” You internally cringed; you definitely sounded like you were trying too hard to be cute and flirty.

But, in spite of your self doubt, the boy smiled in response to your answer, “I guess so. I’m Evan,” the boy stuck his larger hand out,  engulfing your tiny one in a handshake.

“Nice to meet you, Evan, I’m Y/N,” you replied, a small smile gracing your face as you felt yourself relax a little more. You turned around for a brief moment to scoop some more punch out of the bowl and into your cup, praying that a little liquid courage would help you survive and (possibly thrive) within this conversation.

As Ethan jogged down the stairs, the colorful lights blinded him for a brief moment, blurring his vision. He couldn’t deny the fact that he was feeling good tonight; he had just won a game of pong upstairs and in spite of the many inquiries on his costume, once he had explained it most people got a kick out of it, claiming it was original when it was mainly laziness that created his get-up.

Before Ethan reached the bottom of the stairs, he did a quick scan for both you and Grayson. After a few moments he spotted Grayson sitting on the couch, his firefighter hat in his grip as he chatted casually to James.

“Hey, guys, what’s up?” Ethan greeted, plopping down on the couch besides James whose eyes practically bugged out of his head in surprise.

“Jesus, Ethan, you scared me.”

“No shit; it’s spooky season, sister,” Ethan replied, wiggling his fingers for dramatic effect. James rolled his eyes, “The only thing spooky here is your costume, what are you supposed to be again?”

“A douchebag!” Ethan’s hands indicated to his outfit proudly; his shirtless body was complimented by the fake gold chains that draped over his chest. In addition to the chains Ethan’s outfit was accessorized with a backwards black snapback and matching sunglasses and his legs clad with black joggers to complete the look.

James busted out laughing, “Only you would dress up as a douchebag for Halloween.”

Ethan smirked, “I know, it’s original huh?”

“Original? More like sister stupid. Aren’t you supposed to dress up as something other than yourself for Halloween?” James said through a laugh, slapping his knee at his own joke. As Ethan’s eyes narrowed, Grayson’s boisterous laugh rang out; he loved when James roasted Ethan.

“I fucking hate you guys.” James and Grayson’s laughs continued, eventually settling down as James got up.

“As fun as this has been, I see Luke Wilde looking very nice over there and he slid into my DMs a few weeks ago, so.” Ethan and Grayson nodded, watching James bound towards the tall, dark and handsome man in the corner.

Ethan sighed happily, leaning back into the couch, both of his arms splaying behind him. “So, man, you having a good time?”

“Yeah, I just got done dancing a bit ago and I’m taking a break, I finally got Ali’s number, though,” Grayson remarked, smirking. Ethan put his fist out to which Grayson bumped; Grayson had been trying to hang out with one of James’s editors, Ali, for months now, but just hadn’t developed the courage to ask.

“Nice, man! It’s about damn time.”

“Oh shut the fuck up, bro, we all know how much of a pussy you are about talking to girls,” Grayson shot back. Ethan crossed his arms, “I am not! Hey, I almost forgot, where’s Y/N?”

Grayson raised his eyebrows at his brother, his teeth coming together in slight fear. Ethan was about to be salty at the sight before him.

Grayson pointed across the room and Ethan’s gaze followed, his heart falling into his stomach at scene in front of him. You were leaning against the wall, holding a solo cup, smiling a huge, beautiful smile as you looked up at the guy in front of you. The guy you were talking with had a hand against the wall as he leaned over you, a solo cup in his own hand, and a smirk smeared across his lips in contrast to your innocent grin. Ethan was livid.

“What the fuck?” Ethan muttered, his eyes bulging out of his hand, and his hand crushing his cup. Ethan barely felt the cool liquid seep into the fabric of his joggers as he took off his sunglasses, stuffing them into his pockets in an attempt to make sure that his eyes weren’t deceiving him.

“Who the hell is that guy?” Ethan didn’t even look at Grayson as he asked the question, too afraid that if he turned away that you would either disappear from view, or worse, start kissing the dude.

Grayson shrugged, “I don’t know, to be honest. When we got here Y/N and I were talking over there together and that dude kept eyeing her, so I left and they’ve been talking ever since.”

Ethan’s head turned towards Grayson so fast he almost got whiplash, “You what? ” He hissed.

“I left them to talk together! Christ, Ethan, if you like her you have to tell her, you can’t just stare at her and pray to God she’s a mind-reader.”

“You can’t just leave her alone with that stranger! He could be a serial killer for all we know, Grayson.”

Grayson rolled his eyes so hard you could only see the whites of his eyes for a moment. “He is not a serial killer, stop being so dramatic.”

“Well, how would you know? Did you interview him before you left her with him?” Ethan’ cocked an eyebrow, his lips pursed together.

“I am not gonna interview every fuckin’ guy she talks to, Ethan, she’s a big girl she can handle herself.”

“Yeah, well, he’s looking at her like a piece of meat, Gray, just look at the guy!” Ethan’s hand flew out, gesturing wildly to the two of you. The boxer’s eyes were hooded as he talked to you, the alcohol most likely flowing through his veins, while you now stood with your hands clasped neatly in front of you as you told a story animatedly, your expression bright as you recounted your tale.

“Ethan, at least the dude is talking to her, if anything you’re the one looking at her like a piece of meat,” Grayson sassed, the reality of the situation still not reaching his brother.

“E, if you like her so much, just tell her already, bro. It’s so painfully obvious you have feelings, and I bet she feels the–.”

“I’m going over there, he’s definitely a serial killer,” Ethan interrupted, popping up from the couch and storming across the room, leaving his younger brother in the dust.

“Same way.” Grayson finished, sighing as he watched Ethan walk across the room towards you, anger pumping through Ethan’s body.

“Yeah! So I’m sprinting through campus holding all these books, I lost a shoe somewhere along the way and then–.”

Suddenly, Evan was pushed to the side as a strong body knocked into him; Evan’s drink falling to the floor, the thankfully basically empty cup clattering to the hardwood in all its plastic glory.

“Yo, what the hell man?” Evan whipped around, prepared to square up to the man who knocked into him, when he was met with someone a few inches taller than him and a few inches wider, causing him to shrink back.

“Sorry, bro, didn’t see you there. You okay, Y/N?” Ethan’s jaw was clenched tight as he gave you a tight smile. He was clearly irritated.

“Yeah, I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” You huffed, your arms crossing in annoyance. At your movement, Evan’s eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to your chest, as your arms perked up your breasts through the top of your robe. Ethan gave Evan side eye, his eyes narrowing as he noticed where Evan’s eyes had traveled. Ethan immediately punched Evan in the shoulder, Evan’s eyes widening in surprise and then narrowing in anger.

“Keep your eyes on her face, asshole,” Ethan commanded, his fists clenching in rage. Evan’s eyes lit up in anger, who the fuck did this guy think he was?

“Don’t fuckin’ touch me, man,” Evan snarled, pushing Ethan away from him aggressively. “You know this clown?” Evan pointed at Ethan. Your eyebrows shot up quickly, your voice suddenly caught at your throat; you hated confrontation.

“Uh–yeah, um, Evan, this is Ethan, Ethan this is–.”

“An asshole,” Ethan deadpanned, crossing his arms over his chest. Your mouth flew open; you couldn’t believe how downright rude he was being. “Ethan!” You exclaimed.

“I’m the asshole? You’re kidding me, right? Let’s get out of here, baby, what do you say? Seems like this jerk doesn’t know how to control himself in front of a pretty girl.” Ethan could feel his skin heating up at Evan’s words; deep down Ethan knew he didn’t have a right to be acting this way, but he couldn’t help it, his heart always winning out over his head.

“I’m good, actually, I came with Ethan and his brother–.” Evan then grabbed your hand at your words, interrupting your rejection.

Your face dropped at Evan’s sudden act of possession; everything had been fine up until this point, why couldn’t things ever go normally for you? You looked down at his hand gripping your own, your fingers limp in his grasp.

“Let’s go, Y/N,” Evan said, trying to tug you away from Ethan. You stayed put, your eyes wide with fear; fear of the man holding you, and fearful of what Ethan was about to do.

Ethan couldn’t contain himself any longer; he ripped Evan’s hand off of you and pushed the blonde away, his back hitting the wall harshly as he gripped the collar of his robe tight in his fist.

“Don’t you fuckin’ touch her, do you understand me?” Ethan’s fist shook he was holding onto Evan so tight. He slammed Evan into the wall again for good measure, his back hitting into it so hard Evan had the wind knocked out of him. Grayson started to run over as he saw the situation escalate in front of him, pushing past people just as Evan was bent over coughing.

“Ethan, what the fuck?” Grayson stood behind his brother, prepared to back him up, but also frustrated that his brother couldn’t just express his emotions rationally.

Ethan turned around, ignoring Grayson completely, as he looked you up and down in worry.

“Are you okay, Y/N?”

“You’re such a dick, you know that?” You snapped, glaring at Ethan as you pushed past him, your eyes tearing up in anger. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, you chanted to yourself as you made your way out of the party.

Ethan’s mouth fell open in shock, your reaction confusing him. He thought you would’ve been happy that he stepped in, saving you from that massive douchebag.

“What’s her problem?!” Ethan put his hands on his hips in bewilderment.

“What’s her problem? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. You practically insulted her outfit before we even got here, and now you randomly come in and intervene when she’s talking to a guy? She’s not the one with a problem, it’s you, bro.”

“He was grabbing her, did you see–.”

“Yeah, I saw, but before that. You were acting like such an asshole before that even happened. You can’t act all protective if you don’t tell her how you feel.”

Ethan rolled his eyes in irritation, knowing that his brother was partially right, however, it still didn’t make him like what Grayson had to say. Ethan stalked off after you before Grayson could say anything else, leaving the younger twin standing alone under the smokey haze and rainbow lights.

“Y/N, wait,” Ethan called as he grabbed your wrist, his voice ringing out loudly in the silent and cold October air.

“Don’t touch me. We’re fighting,” You snapped, ripping your wrist out of Ethan’s hand quickly. Ethan’s face fell at your actions and his heart hurt; he really hoped you wouldn’t be that upset.

“But why are we fighting? That guy was a total stranger, Y/N! He was grabbing you and looking down your robe and–.”

“And you were a stranger too at one point, E! And honestly, at least someone was appreciating my costume and not bitching at me saying shit like ‘you’re wearing that?’” Your voice dropped several octaves as you mimicked Ethan’s voice from earlier in the evening, your hands waving around wildly to emphasize your rage.

“Well excuse me for being a little concerned for how much skin you were showing! I mean, hell, the dude was practically having a conversation with your tits rather than your face.”

“How much skin I’m showing? You’re the one shirtless!” You admonished, your finger pushing against his chest.

Damn, she got me there, he thought to himself.

“And what are you supposed to be anyway?” Her head cocked to the side as she awaited his answer.

“A douchebag,” Ethan practically whispered, embarrassment consuming his voice.

“A what?” You asked again, not quite hearing his words.

“A douchebag,” Ethan said louder, his eyes looking at his sneakers in shame, now realizing that his costume fit his actions.

Your eyes widened in surprise and you cackled at the irony; Ethan dressing like a douchebag in an attempt to mock it, and then ending up being one throughout the night.

You pointed at him, “Aren’t you supposed to dress up as something different than yourself on Halloween?” Tears were streaming down your face at this point, the humor of this situation literally making you die of laughter.

“Okay, fuck off, James already said that,” Ethan chuckled.

After you calmed down a few seconds later, you and Ethan stood smiling at each other in a mutual understanding; at least he realized that he was being a dick.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I just didn’t know that guy and it pissed me off that Grayson left you alone with a total stranger. And then he was treating you like you were a–a– like a thing, and–.” You put your hand up, indicating that he stop. Your heart thumped at the possibility that Ethan could be jealous, but you knew that he was merely protecting you, only seeing you as a little sister.

“I get it, E. But you can’t just get all older brother on me whenever you feel like it … you’re not the boss of me.” Your heart stabbed with pain as you said those words, praying inside that Ethan would dispel them and say that you were more than a sister to him, that it hurt him seeing you with another guy.  

But Ethan didn’t.

Ethan’s heart sank at what you said; he fucking knew you’d never see him beyond the goofy brother role that he couldn’t seem to step out of no matter how hard he tried. “Um, yeah, well when some fucker grabs you forgive me for going a little psycho,” Ethan said flatly, taking his snapback off and readjusting it, needing to fiddle with something.

“Yeah, but before that, you were acting so–so upset. Why were you so upset that I was talking to that guy?”

“I told you he was a stranger,” Ethan looked off to the side, digging his shoe into the dirt.

“Yeah, but still–.” You started before a voice interrupted you.

“Hey, I’m gonna head out soon, is that cool?” Grayson yelled out from the porch, the music behind him thumping.

“I think I’m gonna stay a bit longer,” Ethan called back. “You wanna stay, or do you wanna go with Gray?” Ethan asked, his tone laced with hope that you’d wanna stay with him.

Grayson stood there patiently, waiting for your answer.

“I’m gonna stay with E and then we’ll uber back.” A wide grin spread across his face in victory; victory that he had a few hours of privacy with you without his brother’s judgemental eyes.

Grayson responded with a thumbs up as he slammed the door shut to the party, leaving you two alone yet again.

“So, wanna go dance? I might forgive you if you come dance with me!” Your eyebrows wiggled suggestively as you tugged your robe tightly around you as a breeze made its way through the air.

Ethan groaned, “Can’t we do something else in there? Here’s a tic-tac, will that make up for what a dick I was?” Ethan reached in his pocket, holding out the case of minty candy.

“Ethan Dolan, you can’t make up for it by giving me a tic-tac.” You giggled, pushing his shoulder as you walked back towards the house. Ethan smirked and pushed you back lightly, putting his hand on the small of your back as you walked up the stairs.

As you two walked back into the party together, you and Ethan both couldn’t help but internally sigh; yet another night where both of your feelings were brought to the surface and pushed down yet again by each of your own cowardice.

[windsorgirllove]

The Prince and The King: Dirk Strider and Kazuaki Nanaki

It may be 4 whole months after the Epilogues came out, but guess what - I’m still thinking about Dirk Strider. And who can blame me, considering… well, everything. Dirk caused a lot of different reactions from everyone, but the way that his character finally clicked for me was watching him take over Jake’s mind and realizing “oh, he’s trying to ‘all will be one with the King’ them”. And then I realized that that would make sense to literally one other person in the whole world, so I decided to write an essay about it. As you do.

Spoilers for Homestuck, including the epilogue, and Hatoful Boyfriend and Hatoful Boyfriend: Holiday Star.

      I. Who are these nerds?

For those of you who don’t know, I’ll give a quick summary of these two characters before I start comparing them.

      A. Dirk Strider

Dirk Strider is one of the human characters in Homestuck. He is the biological father of Dave Strider and Rose Lalonde, and is an alternate Universe version of Bro Strider. He grew up alone in a post apocalyptic world after an alien queen took over Earth. He is the Prince of Heart and a Derse Dreamer. He is a big gay nerd. In the Homestuck Epilogues, his worst traits come out: his self obsession and his splinter selves that come about due to Heart shenanigans, which led to him making some… morally dubious decisions. By which I mean obtained ultimate power and started rewriting the wills of his friends because “he knows best”. Also he’s aware of the fact he’s in a story now, so he became the narrator. And in one of the timelines present in the Epilogues, he killed himself.

      B. Kazuaki Nanaki/The King

Kazuaki Nanaki is a bird featured in Hatoful Boyfriend: Holiday Star. He is a depressed college student studying literature. He fell in love with a boy who ended up pushing him further and further into depression, until the two of them decided to kill themselves. Kazuaki went through with it, his boyfriend did not. He woke up in the afterlife alone and scared. He ends up creating a star from a candle and a chair, which attracts other souls to it’s light. He lured people in because he was lonely, but didn’t want to get hurt again, so he absorbed all the souls into his will, and became the King of the star. And then all the characters end up in the afterlife too, most of whom are still alive, and it’s a whole thing.

So how are they similar? Well, they both are clearly mentally ill, both gay, both killed themselves, both took over the wills of their close friends. Let’s look at their big three narrative similarities: their ascension, their revenge on boyfriends, and their takeovers of will.

      II. The Ultimate Self v Kinghood

The Ultimate Self is a concept that was brought up at the end of Homestuck and was explored properly in the Homestuck Epilogues. It seems to be the endpoint for all of the godtiers, wherein they fully realize their Aspect. For example, Rose is ascending as well, and since her aspect is Light (ie knowledge), she gains knowledge of all timelines all at once. Dirk’s aspect, meanwhile, is Heart, which here means soul, so his Ultimate Self is all his splinters combining into one person. (As I sidenote, I wonder how much their classes play into this - Rose is a Seer and is seeing timelines, and Dirk is a Prince and is destroying everyone’s sense of self). It also appears to come along with an awareness of the narrative structure and the fact that they are in the story, which certainly does wonders for the mind. Dirk takes control of it - the narrative, that is - because he believes that he knows best for all his friends.

One thing we know for certain is the ascending fucking hurts. To quote Rose Lalonde: “I am ascending, and it’s terrible.” This process was enough to fully push Dirk over from “has poor judgement and a god complex” to full blown “evil and knows it.” He gains the power to take away the free will of all the other characters, and wants to make them all ascend and then stick their consciousness into robots that he made, because it’s “better” for them. He already carries this plan out with Rose, who he selected to be first because she’s the most like him. Essentially, he wants to make everyone just like him.

Meanwhile, Kinghood seems to have a lot of similarities. Kazuaki seems to gain some reality warping powers once he dies - he is able to transform a room with a candle and a chair into a star with a lighthouse and a throne. He basically makes his world run on fairy tale logic. This extends even to his form. Throughout the game, the characters are represented by photos of birds. However, when Kazuaki is the King, he is rendered in watercolors like the rest of the Holiday Star. Later, when he gets angry, he distorts into a darker colored being with multiple heads, and in his true form he is a monochrome pencil sketch. He also can appear anywhere on the star at any time, because all the residents of the star are under his hivemind. He can control the layout of his home, which is also visible from the outside (in the real world). He can create zones in the star specific to the people within in order to convince them to become one with him. And perhaps scariest of all, he can know the secrets of the people in the star, and toture them with their deepest darkest fear.

So ascending and Kinghood are very similar, except that Kinghood seems to be more in the line of eldritch horror.

      III. “I’ll Never Let You Break My Heart Again”

Dirk and Kazuaki also have meaningful romantic relationships with other boys that go super duper bad and end up being their start of darkness. Their whole evil plan can basically be boiled down to getting revenge on the boy who wronged them.

      A. Jake

Jake English is the boy that Dirk was in love with. He is from the same universe as Dirk, but from several centuries in the past (which is the present for us). He is the biological father of Jade Harley and John Egbert. He grew up alone on an island in the Pacific, and styles himself as a manly adventurer. Jake and Dirk end up dating when they enter the game, and break up after a few months because they’re dumb teens who can’t communicate and so are all of their friends. In the Epilogues, Jake is unwillingly wed to Jane Crocker, another of their friends, in the Candy Timeline. In the Meat Timeline, Dirk has taken control of the narration and forces Jake to confess his love for Dirk in front of a huge crowd.

      B. Uzune

Hitori Uzune was the guy that Kazuaki was in love with. He was a fellow college student at the university Kazuaki was attending, and was similarly fucked up and depressed. He convinces Kazuaki that they should kill themselves, and the two of them overdose on pills. But just as Kazuaki is drifting away Hitori gets up and steals Kazuaki’s identity in order to get revenge for his dead brother. That whole thing is actually the main plot of the game, kinda. Hitori refuses to call an ambulance for Kazuaki even as he changes his mind, and let’s him die.

      C. Angry Gay Selfrightousness

So first of all I think we can agree that Kazuaki is a little more valid for going off the deep end here. But they both did have a similar experience in love. Both of them felt deeply betrayed by the boy they loved. Both of them were super pissed about this, and it shows in their supervillain plans. Neither of the are directly setting out to get revenge, but their desire is written all over their actions.

With Dirk, he spends an inordanent amount of time calling Jake stupid while he is posing as the narrator, as well as inserting thoughts about himself into Jake’s mind when he’s about to have sex with Jane. (He’s also just weirdly horny the whole epilogue, in general.) After driving Jake to do his public confession in the Meat timeline, Dirk responds with “And to love Dirk is to obey him” in the narration. And finally, right before he’s about to fuck of to space Dirk plans this epic confrontation that ends with the quote that heads this section.

As for Kazuaki, the whole way he was able to become the King was because of the trauma that Hitori put him through, namely the killing him part. He absorbed people because of not wanting to be left alone again. And once Hitori enters the dream he turns all his focus onto him, blinding him and forcing him into a small pocket of the dream so he can’t hurt anyone again. And even after he is defeated he still reaches out and tries to grab Hitori.

Even when the two of them try to move on, they can’t.

      IV. “All Will Become One With the King” - Narrative Takeovers and the Hivemind

In order for there to be a narrative takeover, there has to be a narrative in the first place. And both Homestuck and Hatoful Boyfriend certainly have one, and I don’t mean in the sense that they are a story that we consume. I mean that there is a narrative thread that the characters themselves are aware of.

      A. Homestuck “Canon”

Let’s start with Homestuck, which in the Epilogues actually brought the term “canon” into the vocabulary of the characters via one Rose Lalonde. As a Seer and fanfiction writer, it makes sense she would be familiar with it. In the epilogues she discovered that there was something wrong with the timeline they were in - it was “non-canon”. This is different from the timeline being doomed, although it is similar. In both cases it means the timeline in question is fading away.

As defined by Rose, in order for a timeline to be canon, it has to be three things: 1. It has to be true, 2. It has to be essential, and 3. It has to be relevant. True as in true, essential as in essential to the characters or the story, and relevant as in relevant to the audience. Knowledge of the idea of canon seems to come along with ascending to the Ultimate Self, since the only people who know about it are Rose, Dirk, and Alt!Calliope.

Once Dirk ascends and realizes that the timeline they’re in is “non-canon”, he seizes control of the narrative in order to steer it back to canon and stop it from fading away. And once he takes control, he gains the same knowledge that the author would have of all the characters (except for Roxy because of his voidy-ness). He also wants to make everyone else ascend to their Ultimate Selves as well, and then take away their agency. How this worked is that he believes that their bodies wouldn’t be able to handle ascending (even though his did) and he makes them robot bodies because he’s just so nice. And the first people he assimilates are Rose and Dave, his children. And also as I said above, he inserted thoughts into people's heads and made them do things they wouldn’t normally do.

And Dirk taking control of the narrative isn’t an isolated incident, either. The narration has been passed around like a basketball, or more accurately stolen like loose change by a clumsy pickpocket. For the most part it is regulated to the cherubs - Caliborn and Calliope, as well as Doc Scratch - and Andrew Hussie. And that’s not even to mention all the people that give commands to the characters. The fabric of the text is very present in Homestuck.

      B. The All Knowing Eyes of the King

The King also tries to take control of the narrative as well, although not in the same way as Dirk. He isn’t aware of the fact that he is in a story in the same way. However, by trying to bring the whole cast into his hive mind he is essentially taking control of the narrative, since whoever controls the characters controls the story. He can’t full on insert thoughts into people’s heads like Dirk, but he can know the secrets of the people in the Holiday Star, similar to Dirk gaining the knowledge of the author. Then he uses a person’s deepest fear to convince them that the world outside is too scary, too dangerous, and it is safer to stay with him. Plus he uses creepy picture books to do it, which is certainly an aesthetic choice.

Two of the best examples of this is how he deals with Shuu and Yuuya. In Shuu’s case, it’s his most effective argument for staying on the Holiday Star - possibly because it is so similar to his own. Shuu was in love with a (married) colleague of his, but never told him, even as he passed away. Being as this was the only person Shuu cared about, he fell into a depression and also started murdering people. The King convinced him that there was nothing more in the real world that he could find a use for - that it would be better if he stayed here, where he could experiment and research forever. It worked so well that it took the ghost of his love to shake him out of it.

On the opposite side of this we have Yuuya. Yuuya was not actually supposed to be on the Holiday Star, but he dove in (basically) in order to save his little brother. And The King probably had the best chance of blackmailing him, because Yuuya has done some shit - including the murder of his infant half-brother. He did this in order to help his little brother, but still, jeez. The King uses this to convince him that he’s a bad person, that he would be better off in the Star, where his guilt couldn’t hurt him anymore. This doesn’t work, mainly because Yuuya is a more emotionally mature person that the King. He refused to be converted, because all the bad things he’s done has made him the person he is today, and to get rid of that would be irresponsible. His whole speech ends with this truly phenomenal quote: “It’s my grief. And you can’t have it.”

      V. Conclusion

So, what have I learned from this? Um, don’t trust gay men I guess. And also that mental illness and suicide is a very serious thing. I feel that with this essay I have run into the problem that my professors have told me numerous times - I can identify an interesting point, but I have trouble drawing meaning from this. So if any of you can figure out what this connection means, please let me know! Mostly to me it seems like there are definite links between my favorite stories, and it’s that giving in to despair is not the answer.

      VI. Miscellaneous: The Meta of HB - Hiyoko as the Narrator

Hatoful Boyfriend is not quite as meta as Homestuck - nothing really is. But it isn’t the benchmark of weirdness for dating games for nothing. And most of this weirdness revolves around Hiyoko, which makes sense. She is the narrator after all - and I don’t just mean that in the normal story sense. I mean that in the Homestuck sense as well.

Hiyoko is aware of the fact that she is in a game. She makes references to her stats, and is aware of the interface of the screen. She also doesn’t know the name of the town she’s lived in all her life until someone else says it in Holiday Star, because it was never established in the first game. She is also aware of alternate universes of each romance route. Because Hiyoko dies. A lot. She dies in Shuu’s route, in the neutral route, and in the true route. And in Holiday Star (which in it of itself is an alternate universe to the main game) she meets Death and is able to recognize him from all the other times she’s died.

The important thing to get from all this is that unlike Some People, Hiyoko never goes crazy from this fact. She’s in a game, and she knows it, and she’s cool with it. It should probably be pointed out that Hiyoko is dumb as a box of rocks, and with ignorance comes bliss, they say. But still, it is interesting to see an example of a character with meta knowledge who manages to deal with it, instead of going full supervillain.

[hcpefulmarshmallow]

Hello friends, this is just a thing that I wanted to mention real quick (you: “stop it Jenny, we know you don’t do real quick”) because it’s been playing on my mind for some time. Trigger warning for mental illness.

 To begin, a (somewhat) brief preface. When I talk about what’s a ‘real’ diagnosis and what’s not, I’m referring to what exists in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-V); and the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11).

 The most recent edition of the DSM-V was published in 2013 by the American Psychiatric Association, and the most recent edition of the ICD-11 in 2018. They are both common diagnostic tools for mental disorders, offering clear, standardised criteria. The DSM is more commonly used in America and is more universally known, while the ICD-11, despite being less common knowledge, actually has a wider reach professionally and is used more in Europe and other parts of the world. It also has a broader scope than the DSM, covering overall health instead of just mental disorders.

 Please bear in mind that I have not read either resource in their entirety, this is just what I can work out from more general research of the two, compared to patterns in writing that I see all the time. And just know that I’m not calling anyone out or trying to police anyone’s creativity. Consider this an information dump, and inspiration to research what you write.

 So, with all the boring stuff out of the way: what’s my damn point? Why did I take on the mammoth task of reducing a complicated and very nuanced issue to a single post? In fact, what is the issue at hand? 5 paragraphs in and I’ve still not addressed it, I’m a great essayist.

 Well, it all started with the song  “Sweet But Psycho” by Ava Max. And no, I don’t know it -- and neither does my sister who seems to think she does, because I hear the first four lines sung out loud more than I ever needed to: “Oh, she's sweet but a psycho / A little bit psycho / At night she's screamin' / I'm-ma-ma-ma out my mind”. And when you have that catchy but annoying tune in your head, the things you hate about it are inescapable. 

 At this point, you’re probably thinking this is another rant about the glorification (or even, gasp, the cutesification) of mental illness around us and, uh...sort of? Like I said, I’m not here to police anybody. And I don’t think almost anything is truly bad in isolation -- it’s the trend that scares me. There’s not much I, a lowly internet dweeb, can do about the mainstream, but I do think I can educate my fellow peers. And what I want to educate you on today is the use of words that don’t mean what we think they mean, as an example of why we need to mind the subject matter we handle.

 So. ‘Psycho’. In terms of writing, most people use it to refer to their characters who are your batshit off-the-wall cutesy crazy types. Your Yanderes and Jeff The Killers of the fandom world. It’s usually short for two different terms: either Psychopath or Psychotic, and in neither case does this do anybody any favours. Let me explain.

 The term ‘Psychopath’ is often used to describe someone who is cruel, violent, has no care for others, and is often bloodthirsty. These characters are usually presented in one of two ways: as someone who can blend into wider society until their true dark nature is triggered, at which point they become deadly and dangerous; or as someone who is simply unapproachable at all times. Psychopath also has a sister term it’s often treated as interchangeable with, of which I am sure you’re aware: Sociopath. A ‘Sociopath’ is someone who cannot or simply does not experience empathy, sympathy, all those wonderful emotions that make us caring and considerate towards others. As a result, a ‘Sociopath’ often winds up doing radically hurtful things to other people.

 The trouble with both of these words is that, medically, they do not exist. Not how we think they do. We just made them up to be mean to each other. That’s right, you can’t be diagnosed as a Sociopath, or a Psychopath. Yeah, I was shocked too. I got so used to hearing people described like this, I thought they must be real.

 And I’m not saying that these words are invalid, just because they’re not real diagnoses. That’s not how words work. The beauty of language is that we invented it, and we can keep on reinventing it. If people use the term ‘Psychopath’ in this way, it will inevitably come to mean this exact thing, no matter what psychology says. And that’s fine. The trouble is that they are often conflated with real mental illness. Used in the place of a genuine diagnosis so we can still have our crazy villain type without the constraints of real, attributable illness. Because you gotta keep ‘em guessing!!1! In the same way they become real words if we use them like they are, they become interchangeable with actual mental issues if we use them that way. The ‘symptoms’ of being a Psycho- or Sociopath are oftentimes just exaggerated forms of symptoms belonging to actual, diagnosed illnesses. And like I said, trends are worse than individual problems, but when we see a combination of symptoms in an illness, whether that illness is given a fake name or not, in exclusively characters who we’d never want to meet in real life, the real sufferers suffer. It puts a stigma in our minds whether we mean for it to or not; it closes us off to conversations, to understanding these people and how to help them.

 The worst cases are when writers take the opportunity to justify their use of the word by ‘diagnosing’ the character themselves, which takes on a whole new level of Yikes. We’re in such an awkward place in terms of representation at the moment, and I know it’s hard to navigate. I have all the love for people who do so with pure intentions. If, for example, you have a straight character, it’s easy for that character to be themselves. But if you have a gay character, everything they do is Gay, and it’s a representation of the Gay Community, and you will be held to a higher standard because of that. That is the lens through which we look at media right now, and it sucks for everyone, and is so easily exploited, but it is what it is. In much the same way, if your character is the only character in your story with a certain illness and they’re also your Big Bad, or someone who would be genuinely terrifying to approach -- well, I don’t think I need to explain why that could be seen as a major disservice. And of course, if your character is the only one in a whole darn genre...yeah. This is why trends matter. And why the trend of mental health getting misrepresented is so troublesome.

 But I digress: because remember, I did say there were two uses of the word Psycho, and the second is grounded in reality. The word ‘Psychotic’ is, medically speaking, a real thing. Again, used to mean someone who is deranged, possibly murderous - and like I said, if a word is used a certain way, it will come to mean a certain thing. But the term has a psychological basis. Psychotic describes someone experiencing Psychosis - a mental disorder in which the sufferer experiences a break from reality. The most classic case is a war veteran who thinks he is suddenly back on the battlefield.

 But obviously, a sufferer of a serious and damaging phenomenon isn’t what we think of when we hear ‘Psycho’ or even ‘Psychotic’. I don’t want to lean too much into the impact on mental health as a whole; that the idea of being neurodivergent is subsequently glamourised and demonised at the same time; that people latch onto labels that have real, practical use, all for the sake of feeling special. I want to keep it basic now. I want to ask: do terms like these have a place in writing? Specifically, in RP, since that is the form with which I am most acquainted right now. Obviously I can only answer with my own opinion, since there’s no Holy Doctrine to tell us one way or another.

 I’m not going to sit here and demonise everyone I think has mishandled subject matter. Believe me, I’ve not always been good at it -- I’m still not always good at it. And as someone actively playing a character whose mental issues are a major part of his characterisation, and who does things that make him unlikeable because of those mental illnesses, I know the pressure to get it right all the time. That unsteady balance between realism and demonisation, glorification and representation. The desire to put labels to traits, to have an understanding of what’s going on in such a complicated mind. It’s tricky. Everyone’s experiences are different. And I’m not saying we need to get rid of “crazy for the sake of crazy” characters, or view everything through the lens of “but who will this hurt??”; or get rid of these terms altogether. Like I said, societal meaning is still meaning. And I personally like to believe that most authors have good intentions, even those with poor execution. And I’m certainly not trying to shame anyone for falling for societal opinion. Everyone has about something at some point.

 If there’s a point to this at all, it’s this: research. Learn. Adapt. Not even my information is perfect and correct. I’ve seen everything above done a million times in so many ways, good and bad. If you want to follow a trend in writing or in storytelling, do, but try to understand it first so you can execute it better. Give it a purpose, and a place. Seize your right to be creative, by all means, but also take the opportunity to learn something new. And in turn, use your art to not only express and entertain, but educate.

 Tl;dr: The best premise in the word can still be executed poorly, but likewise, a poor premise can be executed well. No subject matter has to be wholly off limits, and not everything has to be a statement about something. But handling matters, so handle your work with respect. Do your research and understand what you’re saying before you say it. Make something you’re proud to stand by.

[disasterhumans]

Fjord and the Nature of “Evil”

Now that we’re getting into more of Fjord’s patron lore, I figure the “Fjord is evil!” theories will begin popping back up, so I wanted to write this to sort out why the “X character is evil” theories/assessments tend to irritate me so much. 

Disclaimer: I’m not at all an expert on how alignment is “meant to work” in Dungeons & Dragons, and am mainly relying on the 5e PHB for this. Mostly this is me thought dumping my observations about Fjord and how they line up with my understanding of “evil.”

So, what is “evil?” Obviously that’s a question with no easy answer and has led to centuries of philosophical argument. But let’s go with a basic definition.

As far as denotative definitions go (outside the scope of D&D) we have: “profoundly immoral and malevolent.” Note the specific use of the word “profound” in that definition.

From his observable behavior, Fjord is not obviously “profoundly immoral” or “malevolent.” He may join in the general chaos that is the Mighty Nein, but generally speaking their actions mostly fall into either “mostly trying to be good” or the not-profound flavor of “immoral.” (Matt said that the Nein “wasn’t a moral group,” not that they were “a profoundly immoral group,” or “an evil group.”) The closest we’ve seen him get to “malevolent” is him threatening Algar. He’s also had a few dispassionate moments (e.g. not feeling moved to save Kiri).

As far as Dungeons and Dragons goes, the Fifth Edition PHB isn’t ultra specific about how it breaks down the “good v. evil” axis and the “law v. chaos” axis, instead providing brief definitions of each individual alignment.

Lawful Evil creatures methodically take what they want within the limits of a code of tradition, loyalty, or order

Neutral Evil is the alignment of those who do whatever they can get away with, without compassion or qualms

Chaotic Evil creatures act with arbitrary violence, spurred by their greed, hatred, or bloodlust

Going through the descriptions of D&D alignments (in reverse order):

Fjord categorically does not act with arbitrary violence, and does not at all seem spurred by greed, hatred, or bloodlust. Again, the only exception to this I can think of is him chopping off Algar’s hand--which was arguably driven by hatred and/or bloodlust, but was also a very impulsive decision. By definition, Chaotic Evil characters would have a difficult time hiding their true alignment.

Fjord is occasionally dispassionate, but wouldn’t describe him as being utterly without compassion. That’s entirely disproven by nearly every interaction he has with Beau and Jester. And he doesn’t seem to have any desire to do “whatever he can get away with.” In fact--impulsivity aside--he is often one of the only members concerned with ramifications (e.g. him threatening Caleb for putting the team at risk by taking the scrolls in “Midnight Espionage.”) While a Neutral Evil character could ostensibly mask their alignment, in Fjord’s case it would also imply that he was fundamentally putting on an entirely different personality.

Of the three Evil alignments, Lawful Evil seems like the most “viable” alignment for Fjord to secretly be, as it would allow for ongoing machinations, whereas the other two evil alignments seem designed to account for descriptions of day-to-day behaviors. But, again, we don’t really have any in-game proof that Fjord has some sort of complicated long-con going on beyond “I want to learn more about where my powers come from.” And that may well lead him down an evil path, but power is not an inherently evil motivation, and it doesn’t mean that’s Fjord’s starting from an evil place. At this point the relative evil v. goodness of said power appears to have more to do with his patron’s alignment than Fjord’s.

At worst, with the information we have to go on--which is Fjord’s in-game actions--he’s Neutral, but easily influenced by the moral standards of those around him. Some parts of this fandom seem to have a tendency to take any sufficiently “not good” action and label it “evil.” Which in my mind robs these incredibly layered characters of their moral complexity while also weakening the strength of what we mean when we say “evil.” Ostensibly, “evil,” is reserved for the most morally repugnant.

And actually, I fully believe Travis that Fjord, before meeting the Mighty Nein would have at least believed himself to be Lawful Good (“counted on to do the right thing as expected by society). Fjord grew up outside of the empire and spent much of his adult life within the micro-society of working on sailing ships. Fjord was accustomed to being a hard-working member of a crew. And a crew has to work together and follow orders for the good of the ship. Furthermore, Fjord (and Jester) made a point of warning the Nein about the seriousness of committing crime on the Menagerie Coast, which in combination with Travis describing Fjord as Lawful Good, I will take to mean that while living in Port Damali he did actually act in a lawful manner. In my view, this is why he takes particular issue with Sabien.

I think my main problem with “Fjord is evil,” theories is that, first and foremost, it requires believing that nearly everything either Travis or Fjord has said about Fjord has been a lie or, at best, disingenuous. And I don’t just mean factual information--it would also likely require believing that Fjord’s entire demeanor, personality and emotional expression was a facade. And while that’s not technically impossible given his deception score, and the fact that Fjord has not been insight-checked very often by most of the party, it still feels like a stretch. And honestly it would be narratively unsatisfying to believe that literally everything we know about his past and motivations are a lie. At present what we know about Fjord is:

He was raised an orphan with no orcs around him (this appears to be true not only based on what Fjord has literally said, but about his demeanor when talking about orcs, and the fact that it made him feel strongly enough to want to help other orphans). Being raised as the only member of his race, with little idea of his lineage (and experiencing a lot of bullying), seems to have made Fjord feeling particularly vulnerable and unsure of himself in a lot of different ways. As others have argued before, Fjord is likely easily won over by people who are openly supportive and friendly toward him, and potentially more susceptible to manipulation (borne out by his low wisdom score). Fjord likely also places a high value on loyalty, in keeping with his original alignment.

Fjord’s captain--Vandren--died after another crew member--Sabien--blew up the ship. There have been some theories that Fjord was actually the person who blew up the ship, but even if that did happen, it seems to me that Fjord genuinely believes it was Sabien. Almost every time Fjord brings up Sabien he is visibly angry, and while they’re in Nicodranus he asks almost everyone he meets if they know Sabien. Maybe Fjord is looking to get rid of the only witness to what was actually his crime, but seeing as most people probably believe there were no survivors of that explosion, putting himself back on Sabien’s radar seems ill advised. (Also, if Fjord blew up the ship, how did Sabien manage to escape? The implication for each of their survival is that Sabien set the explosion into motion but abandoned ship before it triggered, and that Fjord’s patron saved Fjord. Meaning that assuming Fjord is telling the truth, that Sabien would assume Fjord dead as well.) Once again, Fjord valuing loyalty above other moral concerns would seem to be driving his anger toward Sabien, which very much reflects his frustration when Caleb appears to place the team at risk.

After making his pact with his patron (something that Fjord seems to not be entirely aware of) and receiving his warlock abilities, Fjord wanted to learn more about his magic by seeking out Soltryce Academy. As far as I can tell, most Evil!Fjord theories rely on him having an ultimate “evil” goal. But while Fjord may not necessarily be entirely open and honest about his past, and is certainly being guarded about the specificity of his patron, he has actually always been quite vocal about his personal goals. And, yeah, he could be lying or bluffing about just wanting to “learn more.” But if that’s the case, it wouldn’t have meant anything or have made any sense for him to suddenly change the nature of his goals post-Lorenzo. Fjord has never covered up the fact that he’s overwhelmed by his sudden acquisition of powers, or the expectation from the rest of the Nein for him to assume responsibility. And his talk with Beau the other night about how since receiving his powers he’s moved from trying to solve problems through communication to solving them with combat and power seem to imply that he feels uncomfortable with this shift in himself. Again, the specificity of that conversation seems not to jive with an “evil” person trying to assimilate (Fjord could very well just have mirrored Beau’s words without contributing anything of substance).

Above all, I think that Fjord is a vulnerable and easily overwhelmed (and potentially easily manipulated) person who values loyalty and trust in those around him above most other moral concerns, and is thus willing to run with the moral alignments of his companions if it means maintaining cohesion (e.g. when he tells Nott that he won’t try to change her). The only times he truly objects to the decisions the others make is when those decisions appear to put the group in danger. That being said, his recent conversations with Beau suggest that he views himself as being a largely good person, and is currently experiencing some regret over personal moral choices he has made recently. [EDIT: Also, while Fjord definitely seemed excited to meet someone going through the same experience as him, he also seemed uncomfortable with the way Avantika expressed her...devotion to Uk’otoa. (At one point, I believe Travis said ooc “I feel so uncomfortable,” but that may have been in response to all the innuendo.) And despite him finally revealing the falchion to her, he was still distrusting of her by the end. Where we stand right now, it still seems like Fjord is more firmly in “learn what the fuck is going on mode.” And not, “alright I’m gonna be a cultist now,” mode.]

There is certainly a lot of moral contradiction and conflict that Fjord is experiencing right now, but in my mind that internal conflict and confusion--and the strong likelihood that Fjord’s patron is evil--is far more compelling than some eleventh hour plot twist that Fjord has been secretly evil all along.

[whumpmakesmesquiggly]

Hi!! I'm not v active in the community I LOVE your ocs and I saw you were looking for prompts? Okay so: A knows B can't be doing too hot--not according to that excruciating voicemail B left. A heard C's voice, knows what C is capable of. A finds B, fearing the worst, when B makes some sort of tiny noise or movement to let A know they're alive. It's open ended from there! And if you ever want a writing partner please hmu, I have SO many ocs that I love to use and I def want to learn about yours!!

Ah, I love writing with people and I’m so glad you like my ocs! I was a little hesitant to add them, I mostly share fanfics online so it’s fun to think about doing original works too. 

As for your prompt, your wish is my command. (Feat. an oc belonging to my friend elphaba-fang, because our ocs are all interconnected)

Character A: Ammy (elphaba-fang’s creation)

Character B: Connor

Character C: Unspecified baddie

Ammy slammed a file onto the front desk and glared at the sergeant on the other side. “Paperwork done, sir.”

The old man grinned crookedly at the beat cop. “Thank you, officer. Now get your scrawny ass out of here.”

Finally. The people around her gave her a wide berth as she stormed out of the station, eye twitching and teeth set in a grimace. Ammy was tired, she could still feel the mud and slush in her hair and all she wanted was to go home. Never mind that they’d accidentally stumbled into a drug bust, that her partner had pissed off the narcotics detectives and gotten sent home, the highlight of the day was definitely when that purse snatcher had tackled her into a snow drift while trying to escape. She felt like there was snow in her damn underwear.

Pulling on glasses to negate the way that the sun made the white ground nearly blinding, Ammy began to head down the street and turned on her phone. It was nice to see it working again after the beating it’d taken in her spill. There were two messages, the first from her bank wanting to talk to her about something or other, and then the second one…

///Hey, Ammy, pick up please…/// She stilled to a stop, the foot traffic around her continuing on its way as she listened to her partner’s voice. Connor was whispering and there was an edge to it… ///So, I did something stupid. I went to confront Mathews,/// The lead detective, her mind supplied. ///and obviously that didn’t go well and I think I’m suspended now, but on my way home I thought I saw the guy with the beanie from the warehouse and I’m not totally sure but I think he’s following me.///

The man with… Oh, shit, the man who’d run from the bust. She could hear the sound of a door being unlocked over the tinny voice message. ///I dunno if I’m actually as paranoid as Johnny says I am but I’d really feel better if you’d pick up–/// Then there was another voice on the phone and Ammy began to run. That was him, that was definitely the man from the warehouse. She’d approached him about a busted tail light, how was she supposed to know that there was a deal going on and one of the other men was an undercover. She heard Connor react in surprise, then a sound of movement, sounds of flesh impacting on flesh, an unfamiliar grunt of pain, crashes and then a thud before the message cut.

Connor only lived a few blocks away. He wasn’t far. He wasn’t far but the message was from forty minutes ago. One block to go. He fought back, Connor’s self defense skills were a lot better than when they met. Ammy barreled into the apartment complex, almost running over an older woman in her haste. Dammit, why’d he live so far up and why was the elevator never working?

As she pounded up the stairs to the third floor, it didn’t occur to her to call for backup, she just wanted to get to her partner as soon as possible. Door 305…door 305…

The door was open and she stumbled into the room, pulling her personal piece as an afterthought even as her eyes were desperate for signs of the younger man. The couch was moved out of place and a chair had been upended while the coffee table was shattered into kindling. The porcelain vase that Anne had gotten him for his birthday was also in pieces, the aloe plant lying limp on the carpeted floor. Ammy gritted her teeth as she stepped over the tipped over lamp and around a pile of books that had fallen from the bookcase by his TV. Miraculously, the electronic devices were all intact. It had been one hell of a struggle. She scanned the room to make sure it was clear and stalled at the sight of Connor.

The younger man was curled up behind his couch, his back to the door and completely still. There was another lamp on the floor next to him, incriminating crimson stains on the heavy base. For a second Ammy couldn’t breath; it was as though her body was trying to mimic the stillness in front of her, to prove it didn’t have to mean he wasn’t breathing himself. Connor wasn’t dead, he couldn’t be dead, she couldn’t have to tell his brother, she couldn’t go to their co-workers and–

Then his foot twitched.

Scrambling to his side, she hesitated before trying to pull him onto his back. Connor let out a muffled sob and curled further in on himself and she jerked her hand back as though burned. She couldn’t tell what kind of injuries he had and the likelihood of some of them being internal was too high to move him. So she scrambled for her phone and punched in 911, rattling off their address and that there was an officer down while trying to think over the pounding white noise in her ears. The blood matted in his hair was scaring her the most, she knew head wounds bled a lot but… He twitched again with another little moan and she shuffled over again.

Ammy grabbed his arm as he began to shiver, he flinched away and whimpered again so Ammy made a soothing noise as she rubbed his shoulder. “Easy, easy. It’s okay, help is coming…” She tried to help prop him on his side, worrying about his unsteady breathing. He groaned and she braced herself against the guilt that swirled through her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Con. I’m just trying to help.”

Most likely recognizing her voice, Connor’s head moved slightly as he tried to look up at her and she smiled at him. “Hey, it’s okey. Help’s on the way.” There was movement at the door and two EMTs entered, quickly taking control of the situation but Ammy continued to hold on to his shoulder as long as she could. “It’s going to be okay, Con. I promise.”

The ride to the hospital was a blur, Ammy unable to look away from Connor’s pale face. The mask that was helping his thin chest move up and down covered much of it but couldn’t cover the blood and bruising. The noises of the car and the bright colors marring her partner’s face all started to blend together, creating a static that covered her eyes and filled her ears until–

“Ma’am?”

For a second Ammy couldn’t think of where she was, the dull walls and gentle noises throwing her off. Then she realized she was seated in the waiting room, had been there for a while based on the clock, and a doctor was watching her carefully. He smiled once he knew she was aware of her surroundings again. “Your partner’s been brought out of surgery and his brother has been contacted. He’s listed you as one of his next of kin so would you like to go over his condition?”

“Yes. Please. I-Roy’ll be a while. He was away on-Yes, please tell me.”

“Alright. He’s got quite the concussion but the bleeding is under control and we’ll keep him under observation. He’s broken several ribs and fractured one of his wrists.  Lots of bruising, little worried about his kidney but overall this could have been a lot worse.”

Ammy slumped forward, head on her knees. He smiled kindly and patted her on the shoulder. “He’ll be in a lot of pain for a while and need help and care. We’d like to keep him here at least for one more day to make sure everything’s where it should be. Would you like to see him? He won’t wake up for a while but it might be good for you to be there when he does.”

She agreed quickly and soon found herself seated next to the hospital bed with one hand grasping the limp one resting on the white sheet. Trying to ignore the various tubes and wires attached to her partner she let out a long breath. Connor was cleaned up but the bruising on his face still stood out against his pale skin, the white of bandages peeking out from under his gown. Impulsively Ammy reached out and ran a knuckle over his brow, noticing the lack of tension that normally characterized her partner. “They must have you on some damn good drugs.” Unsurprisingly Connor didn’t react but she continued anyway. “I shouldn’t have let you leave like that. I mean, I know you had to go home but I should have driven you there and made you stay there because of course you would have this happen. You just…attract crazy, you know that?”

“…would…explain why you…’re still here…”

She grinned, squeezing back as he held her hand. “Hey.”

“Hey, did they get the make and number of the semi that ran me over?”

“Funny. He’s a damn comedian. No!” He had slipped his hand out of hers to try to take off his mask and she quickly stopped him. “Keep that on, idiot. You broke some ribs, you need the help.”

“Knew I felt like crap.” Connor looked up at her blearily. “What happened?”

“What happened was that I got a very disturbing voicemail and found you half beaten to death in your apartment.”

“Oh.” Connor nodded slowly. “Yeah, no, I think I’m starting to remember. They catch the guy?”

“I dunno, I’ve been a little busy!” Ammy huffed and rubbed a hand over her face. “Con, new rule, if you think you’re being stalked you go to the police office, not a secluded spot where they can corner you. Got it?”

“How often do you see this happening? Don’t answer that…” Connor shifted slightly and his eyes widened. “Please don’t tell me…”

“They’re worried about your kidney.” Ammy grinned.

Connor groaned, flopping back. “Shut up.” He tested his other hand, wincing at the pull on his fractured wrist. “I bet this is going to start feeling a lot worse before it gets better, huh?”

“Just imagine how it’ll feel when the bosses find out what happened.”

“Oh man…” Connor sighed. “I forgot about Mathews. Dammit.”

“Brought that one on yourself, partner.” She stood up. “I’m going to get the nurse okay?”

Before she could step away, Connor put his free hand on her arm. “Hey, thanks. For finding me.”

She moved her fingers through his hair for a moment, indulging in his rare openness to being touched. He leaned into the contact slightly, letting out a little sigh as she grinned. “Every time Connor, every time.”

[tiergan-vashir]

honestly, i want to start roleplaying in the ff14 community but i have no idea where to start. my server isnt very active in terms of roleplay and i dont know where to start on tumblr. i also have no idea about roleplay servers on discord. im nervous as all hell to start but i WANT to im itching to throw myself into roleplay but i have no idea where to start.

Most of my advice will be kind of Balmung-centric simply because I’m on Balmung and don’t really know the specifics for other servers.

FFXIV Servers

I’m intensely biased in that I’d recommend either Balmung or Mateus as those are the two servers I know have the biggest RP communities around them.  While smaller RP communities can be nice in their own way, I feel like bigger ones give you more opportunities to explore and peek at different groups until you find the gang that is right for you.  With smaller ones it’s a lot easier to find yourself an outcast as with the smaller pool of RPers - the gang that’s right for you might not exist.

I used to be part of a much smaller server community in WoW and I didn’t really realise what I was missing until I went to other MMOs where I joined the ‘main’ RP server the most folks were clustering up in.  

Joining an FC or a Linkshell is usually my personal first step when I first join a server community.  Trying to tackle an entire massive community alone i daunting.  Focusing on a smaller piece of it first and having that ‘foundation’ of a group of RPers that will hopefully feel compelled to RP with me makes breaking into the rest of the community at large feel a lot easier and less scary.

@mooglemeet and @balmungrp (if you pick Balmung) are also great places to look for LFRP blogs of other folks and poke folks you find interesting.

@mateusrpcalendar and @balmungrpcalendar lists lots of RP events to attend for their respective servers.   Just be aware that events with MASSIVE chat scroll are usually some of the worst possible places to make new friends as everyone has an insanely hard time dealing with the sheer amount of text and might not always see someone is trying to interact with them.

Tumblr

My advice would be to make a character blog, clearly label it with your character name, server, and maybe even a quick blurb about your character to catch someone’s interest on what sort of character they might be. Find a theme that you like to slap on it and then just follow all the FFXIV RP blogs you like.  Interact with them, send them asks, comment on their posts.

I find that a lot of the time, the more I recognize a tumblr user from constant interaction, the more likely I am to get curious about them, buddy up with them, and say hello in game when I run into them.  You can also create a LFRP post and slap it up with tags so it might get picked up by the mooglemeet and balmungrp blogs.

The unfortunate, frustrating thing about Tumblr is that it’s social media, outside of just interacting with folks, you’re might to have to do the usual social media stuff just to get noticed by people.  Posts with eye-catching visuals or memes tend to get more notes then writing. It’s weird and unfortunate for a bunch of folks who write as a hobby, but good to keep in mind so you don’t associate a lack of notes or followers with whether or not your RP is of quality.

If you feel way more comfortable chatting on forums - https://ffxiv-roleplayers.com is a great option and a good alternative to just using Tumblr.  It also has a section for various FCs and Linkshells that might be of interest to you.  You can also create a character wiki which is nice for having a consolidated place to store all your character info (but can sort of be hard to keep up with :V)

Discord

To be honest, most of my discord servers are either FC related, linkshell related, or personal servers of friends.  It’s only been very recently that I’ve joined RP servers full of people with likeminded interests like the Ala Mhigans of Balmung server.

I’m honestly not always sure where to find them myself. I got told about them by friends who knew I would like it.  That said, if you pick Balmung here is a handy post of a lot of RP Discords, though I’m sure there are plenty of others that are floating around on Tumblr that I’m not aware of (I think I saw a Doman/Hingan one on a post somewhere?)

Hope this helps!

[mars-peryl]

So like this is just a slight rant and firstly I will say that this is going mainly off of 707's route as that's the main one I went through twice. I would also like to disclose that I am in need of way saying Rika is completely justified because she simply is not. I do however have a strong distaste for V that in the past people have gotten pissed when I mention and I honestly feel he is just as much if not more in the wrong than Rika a lot of the times. I also feel like his route has a different canon seeing as Rika and Ray are there unlike the other routes, which is another reason I won't use his route for evidence on what I'm saying.

So first of all, Rika was extremely unstable and canonly yes V did try to help her with it. That being said he also was quick to stay by her while giving up. He was not inclined to stay by her however he went with her until she got at her lowest and then he not only left, which was good, but he tried to hide what she did and he didn't take very much accountability for anything in the casual and deep routes. He stated things were his fault but in a very guilt trippy or pity party way. On top of this, he went out of his way to try and hide information on mint eye, lying about what was in the drawers even when that information was important to the safety of the rfa, specifically mc at that exact moment. He also tried to lie about Saeran to Luciel, on more than one occasion. At this point he simply helped Rika to some extent and then after she left he covered up for her but never actually showed true accountability. It is also canonly stated that the relationship with both Rika and V is unhealthy on both sides, with Rika and V both being solely dependent on one another. On top of this V knew about her instabilities and did hide it from her family, lying to Yoosung about it when she was at her lowest. While him trying to help was a good move, he cut off other ties to help her by lying to her family whether he was aware of it or not.

Talking more on Rika, she was very unstable and needs to be held accountable for her actions. She is hinted to have been abused as a child, with the relatives who have adopted her saying they regretted doing so. She did hours of community service and tried everything to win their approval to get nothing. When she met V, he got her some help and built her up, however he built her up in the wrong way and ended up enabling her to act out, offering himself to be hurt in her delusions. This started her belief of being able to save everyone and her heightened God complex that she developed. Then her dog passed away, and when she was blaming herself and went off the edge the man who let her believe she was a goddess then told her to stop the large actions she was doing. These actions were harmful, however he didn't mention it until she was already breaking down, hence pushing her much farther into her delusions and instability. This caused her to feel like she was no longer worth anything and like she had to be alone.

Overall like this post is me kind of ranting and saying why I personally don't think V is as great as he's made out to be and I actually think he's part of the reason Rika went off the edge how she did. Other opinions exist and people don't have to like Rika. I just don't like how she's the anti-christ while V is a saint who did nothing wrong. I also say this as someone who can had been through similar things to Rika and while I reacted differently, and feel she reacted in the worst way, I can see kind of why she reacted how she did. She is by no means excused, but V isn't fully excused either.

[balitonki]

Linemaze level 19

Linemaze level 19 code#

I have added stop_robot() and delay at every turn for debugging purposes because I cannot keep my computer connected to the robot while I am running it.

Linemaze level 19 code#

I know its incomplete but this is what I have done till now and I am trying to test basic turns using this code first. Rest of the schematics is clear from the code. Vin and ground from arduino connect to the power supply pins of L298N. I mean make it harder people I think a kindergartner could play that game very easily without getting. It is connected to the arduino via the DC Jack. I got through 14 levels in like less than a minute. but if i'm right does anyone know if its even gonna be in phase 3 or if it'll be added later as well.I forgot to tell that I am using a 7.5 Volts 2 cell battery (contains to cells of 3.75 V each). Maybe i'm just completely wrong about this. had to be level 20 to do warsong as i recall. I'm pretty sure i remember 10-19 bracket not being in when pvp was added to the game. I would stay out of BG's until i was x8 or x9 level, mostly so I would have a chance in hell of being on a winning team. I was never good at twinking, mostly because I always ended up earning XP, and I honestly disdained those that were really good at it, but they were an integral part of the BG and the game. but also that lvl 19 would beat you down in every BG. Removed Comment by Greensmower1 on T08:23:04-05:00Īh, the good old days, when Twinking was an art form and only the best and most dedicated and aware players could make a really good lvl 19. Removed Comment by flydian on T23:01:03-05:00 It's either that or having the 110% Octane, M+ Bumrush style of play - but i'd rather have Classic, It makes you actually enjoy the game, and makes you feel like you I still enjoy BGs on Retail - but in Vanilla - to have that chanse to just kick backĪnd not feel the pressure of having to get funneled through some Forcefeed ingestion of the latest I just liked to do the ocassional Rogue PvP in the 29 Bracket. Didn't see much point in getting arcanums and what not. Twinking was pretty fun, back in the day - Though, as the post highlights - there were many different levels to it. I remember having a level 19 twink hunter, it was insanely fun. I mean, should they put the "pause" system in vanilla? Just in case.īattlegrounds didn't give xp back then so it wasn't an issue. Classic WoW Level 19 Warrior Twink BiS Guide.Classic WoW Level 19 Warlock Twink BiS Guide.Classic WoW Level 19 Shaman Twink BiS Guide.Classic WoW Level 19 Rogue Twink BiS Guide.Classic WoW Level 19 Priest Twink BiS Guide.Classic WoW Level 19 Paladin Twink BiS Guide.this is the worst part in the whole game. ughghgh HOW ANNOYING not only are you walking slow like a retard have to balance on a fricken red blood line, but theres a CRYING BABY TO GO WITH IT. Classic WoW Level 19 Mage Twink BiS Guide annoying blood line maze levels spoilers.Classic WoW Level 19 Hunter Twink BiS Guide.Classic WoW Level 19 Druid Twink BiS Guide.In these guides we'll go through the best gear for a level 19 character, the differences between Horde and Alliance, play style, key abilities, useful professions.as well as tell you how best to manage your experience so that you don't accidentally level up to 20. The more time and gold you invest in your 19 Twink will be reflected in the quality of your finished character. Twinks are best described as an in-game hobby, a hobby in which you can invest as much time and gold as you want. If you enjoy his written guides, be sure to follow him on his other pages for more Classic WoW content: Youtube, Twitch, and Twitter. These guides are written by Krug, a veteran member of both the Classic and Retail World of Warcraft communities. With the Honor System and Warsong Gulch open for WoW Classic beta testing, we wanted to highlight our level 19 Twink guides for those interested in Classic PvP!

[hockeyandstuff91]

I’m The Only One

Word Count: 1,828

Player: Taylor Hall

Warning: cussing, fighting

Authors note: This was an idea that I had last night while I was listening to music. The song “I’m The Only One” by Melissa Etheridge was playing and it gave me the idea for this story! Hope you all enjoy it! :)

Also thank you @inthebyf for helping me pick which player and help with how to start this! LOVE YOU GIRL <3

If you want to listen to the song here’s a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCphbDRkZSo

"Taylor!"

"What?" He grumbled as he dropped his hockey bag on the floor of the living room and headed towards the bedroom.

"Why are you so mad?!" You asked as you followed after him.

"Because since I have gotten home its been nothing but passive aggressiveness from you," he said, turning around to look at you.

You raised your eyebrows at him and shook your head. "Wow."

"Well it has!"

"No you're right. I have been but its because you wont even listen to me."

He just looked at you, waiting for you to continue.

"Every time you get home from the away games you get mad at me for calling you."

"You know I'm busy! It's not like I'm with some girl or something."

"I'm highly aware of this Taylor. But we are in a relationship here," you said motioning between the two of you. "You don't just stop communication for a period of time because you are away from home. What am I suppose to think?!"

"You know my job Y/N! I'm with the guys, or practicing, or at the game, or media. It never ends and when I get back to the hotel I just want to sleep."

"I understand this. I'm busy too! I have my own business I run for fuck sakes but I still find time for you and all your games and everything!"

"I never asked you to clear your schedule for me Y/N."

"I never said that you did! I did it because I love you. I just can't stand that you wont talk to me at all while you are gone. I mean sometimes you are gone for weeks! You are really going to stand here and tell me you cant find a second to text me something! Anything!"

He just stood there staring at you, not saying anything because he knew you were right but didn't want to admit it. After a long moment of silence he finally spoke "You seriously need to talk to me all the time?"

"No! I just sometimes need to know you're fucking OKAY or maybe just NEED TO TALK TO YOU," your voice was raised and you were shaking at this point.

"Oh! And you also texted me while I was gone saying how it was really funny how I was liking some other 'bitches' Instagram posts," he added, remembering something you had texted him the day before he got home.

"WELL YEAH! I see that you have time to like someones fucking Instagram post but not text me?!"

"No you're just jealous obviously," he mumbled as he turned around.

"Excuse me?!"

"You heard me."

"You are damn right I did! Fuck you Taylor I'm not jealous of some fake barbie bitch on Instagram. I'm pissed off that you don't make time for me after your countless promises that you will. I'm sick of it!"

"Yeah well me too!" he said, turning around and walking over to you.

The two of you froze when you realized what was going to happen next. You swallowed hard and looked down, avoiding any and all eye contact with him.

"I'm going to go," he said, softer than you thought he was going to. All you could do was nod.

You stood there in that same spot, not moving or looking up as he walked around you, grabbing his stuff and shoving it into one of his duffel bags. He walked by you and out of the bedroom door, his footsteps disappearing behind you before you heard the door open and close.

That was when you finally let yourself go and you collapsed on the bed, crying.

It had been a month since the fight and everything was just.. quiet without him here. He had come by to pick up the rest of his stuff the next day while you were at work and you hadn't really seen him since then. Of course you saw him when he played during the games but you tried to focus your attention on someone else for the most part. A lot of your mutual friends would check on you, which you appreciated a lot. You were glad that even though you weren't still together you weren't going to lose everyone that you had gotten close with. A few of them even informed you when there was a new girl but always reassured you that she was lame, or just a puck bunny, and it wouldn't last. They would constantly remind you that you were the best thing that he had and he would eventually realize it. You weren't so sure, but it didn't matter right now.

You were sitting on the couch just watching some TV. The girls had decided to go to the bar tonight and had invited you but you really weren't in the mood tonight. You just wanted to curl up on the couch, have some pop corn, and watch a bunch of horror movies.

Your phone buzzed on the coffee table at an intense part of the movie, causing you to jump. You groaned and leaned forward, grabbing it seeing that it was Brittney.

Britt: Y/N hes down here tonight. With her

Y/N: Ok? why do I care?

Britt: Hes been begging her to go and sing all damn night but she wont.

Y/N: And?

Britt: Don't you get it! Your singing was his favorite thing ever. He always would say he could listen to you for hours. He's trying to replace that part too.

Y/N: Shocker.

Britt: She just got another drink and I think after this one hits her she might actually say yes. come watch this train wreck please!

Y/N: Ughhh FINE I’ll be down in 10.

Britt: Alright. We're at the usual table.

It didn't take long for you to get ready. You didn't plan on staying long so a regular t shirt and pair of jeans was good enough. It was a bar anyways so who cared. The drive was short, thankfully the apartment was close to pretty much everything and you didn't plan on drinking anyways so there was no reason to walk. When you got there she was just starting a song. You hung out by the door not wanting Taylor to see you.

You had to see this.

She wasn't the worst you had ever heard, and being plastered probably was making it even worse than if she was sober, but she wasn't good. Not even close. Most of the people were ignoring her, or trying to.

Britt saw you and waved you over, thankfully Taylor didn't know you were here yet. You sneaked over and sat next to her in the booth. She was trying so hard to laugh quietly.

"I told you this was going to be good," she laughed.

You just nodded and continued to watch her. You looked over and saw the look on his face, it was a mix of disappointment and trying to be supportive. You could tell he missed your singing and wanting this chick to be able to do what you could but you knew that she couldn't. Which made you feel good but also kind of bad for her at the same time.

After she had walked off the stage you stood up and Britt grabbed you arm.

"Where are you going?!"

You just pulled your arm away and walked up to the stage. Mark, the head of the band that played, recognized you and announced that you were here. A few regulars cheered, you had been singing here since you turned 21 and was let in. Singing had been a passion of yours for as long as you could remember. You had sang with your mom when you were little and all throughout school. The bar had been the next stage for you after high school was over with, since you never really wanted to pursue a career in music.

"What song sweetie?" Mark asked you.

"Melissa Etheridge - I'm The Only One"

"Sounds good!" he said and turned to his band to let them know what song to start playing.

You nodded and turned around, looking out into the crowd and saw that Taylor’s mouth was wide open, eyes bulging. He was about to be in even more shock with the song choice you picked if he listened to the lyrics well enough at least. This should be good..

You listened to the intro play waiting for your cue. You took a deep breath and started singing.

"Please baby can't you see my mind's a burnin' hell I got razors a rippin' and tearin' and strippin' my heart apart as well,"

You looked out into the crowd as you sang, looking over at Britt and the rest of the girls who were smiling big, realizing what song this was. By the second verse they had gotten up and started dancing to the music which made you smile. You had yet to look over to see Taylor's face until you sang that one part of the song..

"Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone. Go on believe her when she tells you Nothing's wrong..." You took a deep breath before singing the next line. "But I'm the only one who'll walk across the fire for you And I'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you. It's only fear that makes you run The demons that you're hiding from when all your promises are gone I'm the only oooooone" you belted out, watching his face. You could tell he was paying attention this time.

You sang the chorus a couple more times with the song before it ended. Everyone in the bar started clapping and you shakily set the mic back into the microphone stand. You smiled and waved at everyone.

Mark walked over to you, placing his hand on your back, noticing that you were a little shaky. He smiled "Wanna do another?"

"No that was good for now. Thanks guys," you smiled and waved to the band. You turned and started walking down the steps, Britt ran over and grabbed your arm to make sure you didn't fall.

"That. Was. Amazing. You saw his face right?!" She whispered as you walked back to their table and you just nodded your head.

You could feel Taylor's eyes on you the whole time that you walked to the table. You chanced a look over at him, seeing that the girl that he was with was getting mad and yelling at him for clearly paying more attention to you than her. He was completely ignoring the fact that she was even there and was just looking at you, his mouth opened a bit and his eyes filled with sadness.

That was the moment when you realized that your mutual friends were right.. He did actually realize that he lost out on the best thing that he ever had.

[336863]

Work-wise, this past week has been largely a mixed one for me and I got to experience both sides of it oscillate pretty wildly and quickly in relation to one another. The worst part was the frustration I felt when I wasn’t successful in getting my message across while at the same time feeling insecure about my ability to contribute meaningfully to what already appears to be a very well-oiled team. But then in the space of a few short hours, I was able to see clearly what my role could potentially be - that is not to say that I am ready for it but at least I was able to catch a glimpse of it. And I was fortunate to be able to end the week on a positive note, or the lingering doubt will for sure have soured the weekend. It seems to be that V sees things so very clearly from a macro point of view - based on what I’ve been hearing, KX and him are able to articulately so definitely what their vision for the team is. And what is convincing is not that they sounded crystal clear but also in that they were also acutely aware of the uncertainties that comes along with their ideas. They know they are also just trying things out and are 100% comfortable with it, making no attempts at trying to portray that they know better. I think this speaks volumes about the communication and transparency and openness to ideas that this team has. I think what they have is rare and feel that with each passing day, my desire to be part of this group grows stronger

As much as I feel V and KX are clear in their vision, I’m starting to get the sense that the day-to-day interactions with V are going to be relatively messier and more chaotic. He’s definitely less structured and methodical but despite this, is still ridiculously sharp and intentional in his direction (though there could be many and in all directions). It could very well be just me getting used to his style of work but it does appear that his mind is flying across a thousand different ideas within the span of minutes - it’s something that I need to adapt to and there could be more losses before there are more wins so I’ll have to shake it off and get back at it. In this respect and from what I can see so far, KX makes for a great complement with V - she is almost always calm, reassuring and cheery. And together with P, D as well as the peeps in Japan, London and India, man, what a team they’ve put together right here and I’m convinced that it was more intention than luck that went into this. I have 7 more weeks here and I ought to try to give it my all and get as much out of this as possible, what happens after is beyond my control but I don’t intend to be asking myself a bunch of ‘what if’s’ on my flight back to my beloved sunny island

[bittermedecine]

How does everyone in the group relate to this memoir?

By - Danielle Diores        

   I can relate very much to the memoir. As a person who struggles with depression and anxiety, I know very well how mental illness doesn’t have a simple cure. It is true that mental illness is a long-term mental battle no one tells you about nor can you explain to someone.

           The way Clem and Olivier explain the memoir, I wanted empathize more with them. Since I struggle with mental illness, my family or friends don’t know how I struggle with my mental battle. Mental illness is different for everyone and I admire how strong the Martini family was despite not knowing what to do to support Olivier. A family that sticks together like that  and continues to support each other is difficult to find. The struggles and the support everyone gives in the graphic memoir makes it even more inspirational on how they strong they came out of the mental battle even if the long term mental battle continue to today.

           In addition, with the informative information on schizophrenia, it made me change my opinion about it because no one talks about the truth on schizophrenia. I had no idea the struggles someone would go through and even found an interesting video of a stimulation having schizophrenia.  I understand it varies with each person but this video was enough to empathize with people who struggle with schizophrenia.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pr8IyNGAqlw

           Overall, I really enjoyed how personal and inspirational this graphic memoir was. It makes me glad and happy see the positive message they are spreading on mental illness to stop the stigma.

By -  Remy-Jai Barranger 

I felt that I related to Martini’s story on a deeply personal level. I’ve had my own experiences with neurological differences, and how most of the authoritative figures I’ve had throughout my life choose to perceive it in an indifferent light. Though I’ve never suffered from anything like schizophrenia, I have been diagnosed with autism, and society tends to approach it in a strikingly similar way. In this story, I am reminded of the complications I’ve had to face growing up with both the health and education systems, in that both those on the spectrum and those with mental illnesses have been massively misunderstood and ostracized by not only these systems, but also society in general. From a lot of the maltreatment from these figures, I’ve grown up with both anxiety and depression, and endless thoughts about something being wrong with me, primarily because that’s what I’ve been told for the majority of my life. Again, I can’t speak for those who are schizophrenic, or any psychiatric patient for that matter, because I haven’t experienced what it is to be mentally ill, however individuals with autism, ADD, aspergers are faced too often with very much the same sort of negligence, misunderstanding, and even abuse.

When Clem Martini referred to the concept of “Laissez-faire Health Care”, it made almost too much sense to me. “In Laissez-faire Health Care, there’s a striking difference between how psychiatric patients and patients with all other ailments are treated, … Psychiatric patients are certainly ‘let alone.’ In fact, I’d suggest that this present ‘letting alone’ by our health care system has conspired to beggar psychiatric patients…“ (Martini & Martini, 2010, p. 153) The health care system prioritizes and provides treatment to physical injuries and illnesses more than mental illnesses, and psychiatric patients, as well as many people of neurological differences. No one’s disposition should be ignored just because it can’t be physically seen or perceived, or because it’s difficult to understand.

So many people struggle to find jobs and maintain relationships with family and friends, and their needs are being neglected because they are largely marginalized by the health care system and misunderstood by the general public. What I hope will happen is that topics on mental diagnoses, conditions, and illnesses are normalized, and I hope that this memoir was able to educate people and have some kind of influence on raising awareness of the concept of neurodiversity in society.

In conclusion, this is a very informative, brilliantly constructed piece, especially in the way it highlights their personal account of mental illness and the flaws in the health care system, and I believe that perspectives like this are extremely essential to our understanding of mental health and neurology as a whole.

By - Alison Glasgow

I have mixed feelings about this graphic memoir. I found the images almost illegible, the handwritten text and the drawings themselves are very rough and it took quite an effort to decipher what they meant. As a student of illustration, it was hard to ignore this, as clear visual communication is the crux of illustration. At first this was a hurdle for me in terms of finding value in the book, but as I reflected more on the intent of the authors, it dawned on me that these shaky and unsure drawings offer insight into the schizophrenic mind of Olivier, which further enriches my understanding of his experience.

I found Clem’s prose to be blunt and at times jarring, but pleasurable to read nonetheless. I think the tone used fits perfectly with the subject matter and message of the memoir.

Clem and Olivier Martini’s graphic memoir shares a message of the importance of family understanding and support in times of crisis. They took a socially and emotionally difficult topic and transformed it into a work of art, appealing to a wider audience than, for example, an article written on the same subject.

Coincidentally, this story entered my life shortly after my best friend discovered that her sibling was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is among the most taboo mental illnesses out there because of it’s association with criminal activity. The absolute worst cases of schizophrenia are often what the media focuses on, as opposed to the many people who leave peacefully with this taxing mental condition.

Although I really enjoyed this memoir, I can’t say I would recommend it to my friend. Despite the ultimate message of hope in this story, it is overall quite grim and I wouldn’t choose to recommend this book to my friend and possibly give her the impression that this is the way life with schizophrenia goes. Clem and Olivier’s story, although I’m sure many other families have had similar experiences, is only one story about mental illness, and each family’s circumstances are unique.

So I’m left with a relatively positive impression of the book, and even though it has a valuable message to share, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing it with the people in my life it most closely relates to.

By - Anna Rehman

I found this memoir to be very relatable and informative, and it did a good job of describing mental illness which is a topic that’s already difficult to put into words. Olivier’s artwork also adds to the memoir and gives the story more character and a personal touch. The story hit me very personally as I have been diagnosed with mental illness myself.

The memoir puts the problems of mental illness into perspective. For example, it discusses society’s stigma of mental illness and the shortcomings in the Canadian healthcare system when it comes to mental illnesses. I have had situations where I needed medical attention for my mental illness myself, and the healthcare system doesn’t always do an adequate job of properly assessing and treating people with this type of illness as mental illness is sometimes still seen as being less important than physical illness in terms of treatment. Clem brings these issues to light to advocate for change in the healthcare system which needs to address the concerns of mental health in order to provide better treatment. This is very important because it also would help prevent suicide, which unfortunately happened in Ben’s case.

Olivier’s case also brings up the aspect of daily life for those living with mental illness and shows the difficulty in keeping a stable job and keeping positive relationships. With mental illness, every day becomes a struggle and Clem did a great job of describing what it feels like to deal with mental illness. Clem also describes how mental illness affects those around the person who has it, including family and friends, which is a topic that is often not discussed about.

Overall, Bitter Medicine effectively shows the reality of mental illness and the struggle for everyone impacted by it. I enjoyed this memoir and would recommend it to anyone dealing with mental illness, anyone who knows someone affected by it, or just anyone who would like to learn more about mental illness.

[thestaffofgrayson]

1-100 for the unusual asks, you meme lord

Mmmmkay so I cant help being sassy but also wanna give a real answer so we gonna do this -> Anything in parenthesis is a real answer everything else is sass central station

1) Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  Im a dank soundcloud rapper check out my soundcloud at nobodycares540.soundcloud.fuck (I dont really use any of em tbh)

2) is your room messy or clean? *glances over* clean (m e s s y)

3) what color are your eyes? All 16 of em are different colors actually (blue)

4) do you like your name? why? No because its not Jojo (Yes!!! Love the name Perrin gonna be honest)

5) what is your relationship status? *sets status to its complicated* you could say im a bit of a player (deathly single)

6) describe your personality in 3 words or less? Im sorry who? (Described meme lord)

7) what color hair do you have? Minecraft Steve Brown (Ver Ver Pink)

8) what kind of car do you drive? color? No I run like sonic next question (nope fuck driving fuck boulder)

9) where do you shop? Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh (For what Next question)

10) how would you describe your style? Goku Black cosplay (Goku Black cosplay)

11) favorite social media account? The one with the Z U C C (Tumblr fuck snapchat)

12) what size bed do you have?  Uuuummmmmmm my size OBVIOUSLY next questions (Dont know tbh queen maybe?)

13) any siblings? Little shit brother (thats not even a joke)

14) if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?  Why this world fuck you what about mars (uuuuhhhhhh no idea gonna be honest)

15) favorite snapchat filter? Oh man! Love this one altho its not well known what ya gotta do is hit the delete button and when it asks if youre sure say yes :D (they change so often I dont pay attention)

16) favorite makeup brand(s)? Whatever it is Genji uses as eyeliner (dooont wear makeup)

17) how many times a week do you shower? I get clean by rolling around in the snow so maybe like 3 times a year (depends usually once a day with exceptions)

18) favorite tv show? I dont watch tv I AM the tv (The Office or if its Anime then Jojos Bizarre Adventure)

19) shoe size? M Y   S I Z E (size 10)

20) how tall are you?  hOWs ThE wEaTHEr dOwnTHeRe (5′9 - 5′11 somewhere in there)

21) sandals or sneakers? Gadget Shoes (legit those are cool but sneakers)

22) do you go to the gym? I think theeessseeee muscles speak for themselves (nope but I do martial arts)

23) describe your dream date  Killing all mortals and achieving a state beyond that of a god (iiiii dont know I dont really see myself going on a date)

24) how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? Why do YOU wanna know (no really why tho)

25) what color socks are you wearing? Well I’m at home on the sofa playing sonic the hedgehog and typing up responses to an ask on tumblr that about 5 people are gonna see. That being said, Dragon Ball orange. (not wearing em but I have a fuzzy pair of polar bear socks my friend Ana sent me that I love!)

26) how many pillows do you sleep with? Wait what do you mean not everyone sleeps with 25 pillows are they mad? (One for my head, one on each side, smol pillow, pillow pet)

27) do you have a job? what do you do? I am assistant regional manager at a paper supply company named Dunder Mifflin. (Not currently but I’m gonna apply to Gamestop and Costco here soon)

28) how many friends do you have? Toooooooooooooo many I hate mortals (honestly I’m too lazy to try and count rn)

29) whats the worst thing you have ever done? Well I haven’t seen Mulan don’t call the cops (Iiiiiiii’m not sure I guess cheated on my Chinese final freshman year but hey I needed to pass that)

30) whats your favorite candle scent? V o i d  (I dont use candles that much and I shooouuulld)

31) 3 favorite boy names Jo[seph] Jo[estar], Jo[taro Ku]jo, Jo[nathan] Jo[estar]  (uuuuhhhh I like my name so it would be Perrin, Joji, Donovan)

32) 3 favorite girl names Jolyne Kujo there is no 2 and 3 (Jolyne yes I know but I actually really like the name, Perrin is also a girls name so, Milly)

33) favorite actor? Shrek from Shrek the musical (Robert Downey Jr and Chris pratt)

34) favorite actress? Taylor after she sasses me and acts like nothing happened (Millie Bobby Brown)

35) who is your celebrity crush? McCree (Matt Mercer)

36) favorite movie? UM IS THIS A QUESTION LIKE??? OBVIOUSLY THE SHREK AND BEE MOVIE CROSS OVER SHREK B: HONEY AND SWAMPS (I LOVED Black Panther and Thor Ragnarok but Secret Life of Walter Mitty’s stuck with me for a loooong time)

37) do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I don’t read cuz I’m not a NERD (I mean actual books I don’t ask me about it another time but comics I sure do I love the Marvel Civil War storyline)

38) money or brains? They say Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy me more games! Eat that SUCKERS (Honestly brains because then you can be smart which can make you a lot of money. So many more benefits)

39) do you have a nickname? what is it? Perriushium, destroyer of life and bringer of the new age (Pey given to me by my brother when he was still a baby and couldn’t say my name)

40) how many times have you been to the hospital? Enough to be immune to every disease known to man NOW IM UNSTOPABLE MWAHAHA (none for any of my own conditions or injuries but for family stuff about twice)

41) top 10 favorite songs All Star, All Star, All Star, Chum Drum Bedrum, All Star, All Star, All Star, Never gonna give you up, All Star, All Star (Bloody Stream, Sono Chi no Sadame, Flying Battery Zone, Stardust Speedway, Stand Proud, Goku Black theme, Halo theme, The Apparition, Shovel Knight main theme, Hooked on a Feeling)

42) do you take any medications daily? I take a shot of cold hard whiskey when I get up (nope I dont have anything)

43) what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) The largest organ of my body I’ll tell ya that much (I honestly dont know?? Smooth and soft I guess?)

44) what is your biggest fear? The Communists lol jk Communism is the only way (I’m not so sure on this one gonna be honest I do fear something I just cant think of it at the moment)

45) how many kids do you want? I mean I’m a 16 year old teenager in high school with no job and no relationship that being said 5 (NONE EVER NOPE 0 KIDS)

46) whats your go to hair style? Super Saiyan 3 (Idk I just kinda comb it to the left)

47) what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) All Star. Wait fuck wrong quest- (Two floor medium sized house) 

48) who is your role model?  Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh (uuuuuhhhhhhhhhh)

49) what was the last compliment you received? A like on my post we did it guys we hit one like so I’m here making this 1 like special (I was told that everytime my friend see’s my dyed hair it absolutely makes his day :D) 

50) what was the last text you sent? Yeah that’ll be $5000 for the kill nice doing business with you (Maaaannny pictures of Genji Shimada)

51) how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? WHAT SANTA ISNT REAL????!!!!!?!?!?! (It kinda faded over the years my last strands of belief were gone by 12)

52) what is your dream car? Odie’s car from Garfield Kart (The Mach 5 from speed racer there’s a street legal car look it up)

53) opinion on smoking? Jotaro does it so I do it too (PSA: Smoking doesn’t make you cool or look cool you’re just killng your lungs. I won’t try and make you stop as long as you’re aware I don’t want you smoking around me and you understand the consequences)

54) do you go to college? After that SAT I meeeaaaaannnn McDonalds might be hiring (I’m still in High School but I want to)

55) what is your dream job? To stand in a corner for 8 hours with a lamp shade over my head and make a clicking sound every so often (I would like to be able to draw, animate, design and/or play games for a living. Achievement Hunter would be a fantastic job but I doubt that’s happening)

56) would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? I wanna live in a cloud In the sky and abduct people to harvest their DNA and make clones which I can fight to the death with (eh somewhere quiet and disconnected from people tbh)

57) do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? They fetch pretty high prices on eBay you’d be surprised (Nope I dont use them at all I bring my own and take my own)

58) do you have freckles? My face is a giant freckle little known fact (not really thank god I would look real bad with em)

59) do you smile for pictures? *leans in* I’m gonna let ya in on a secret kid. I wait until the photographer is just about to take the picture and then I hold a middle finger over my face to block the proper shot. Do it enough times then they’ll be payin YOU to get the picture done (I do but I only open my mouth slightly)

60) how many pictures do you have on your phone? They’re all of people I’ve killed because they showed me a stale meme dont worry about it (960 exactly and they’re all either memes, fan-art, or my cute friends)

61) have you ever peed in the woods? Ew no I don’t go outdoors thanks (Yep once on a school field trip in which we hiked to the top of a mountain it was fun)

62) do you still watch cartoons? Well I mean SOME ONE spoiled my belief in Santa earlier so I’m a bit too old for that now. I have a boring desk job thanks LAZLO (I do spongebob is really funny to me still and I LOVE the original Teen Titans)

63) do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? McWendy’s next question (I dont eat either so)

64) Favorite dipping sauce? Drip dip dip I’m boutta rip please i want to die (I dont use dipping sauce either call me a heathen all you want)

65) what do you wear to bed? Well I take off the clothes I wore for the day, take off my earring, ring, necklace, eyes, hair, 3 layers of skin, and call it a night (Pajamas mostly and sometimes sweatpants)

66) have you ever won a spelling bee? *Obligatory Bee Movie Joke* (I’ve never even heard of a spelling bee in any of the schools I’ve been to)

67) what are your hobbies? Well I like to kill all mortals #ZamasuWasRight  (I enjoy martial arts, drawing, video games, game design, and walking around my house with nothing to do)

68) can you draw? UH BOI YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ART IS UNTIL YOUVE SEEN A SHITTY JOJO DRAWING OF MINE (I mean yeah but not well)

69) do you play an instrument? Electric Triangle (Actually, I play the Violin but not super well)

70) what was the last concert you saw? SORRY WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THE CONCERT (I’ve never been to one that seems like the opposite of fun for me personally I hate hyper loud music, people, and crowds)

71) tea or coffee? Coftea next question (tea. I don’t drink caffeine if i can help it)

72) Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? I need my sugar sonic rings (Again, Don’t drink caffeine)

73) do you want to get married? I’m already getting married. MARRIED TO THE LIFE OF CRIME THAT IS UP TOP (I mean I would like to one day)

74) what is your crush’s first and last initial? My  Self (I don’t have anyone I’m crushing on)

75) are you going to change your last name when you get married? What’s crimes last name? Smigglesworth? (If my partners last name is something with an S cuz then I can be PJS)

76) what color looks best on you? You know the color mario turns when he uses the super star? T-that (Pink and Black)

77) do you miss anyone right now? PPFFFFFT NOOOOO WHATS A FEEL *CRIES* THOSE ARENT TEARS ITS JUST SWEAT IVE ANSWERED A LOT OF QUESTIONS OKAY (I miss all my internet friends :(  *cries*)

78) do you sleep with your door open or closed? It is neither open nor closed it is in a hyper dimensional state between open and closed in which no mortal can enter or exit but also cannot be blocked from passage (clooossed because otherwise the cats are gonna kill my fish)

79) do you believe in ghosts? I mean how else would I make a long and successful career as a ghost buster (I do!)

80) what is your biggest pet peeve? My pet, Peeve! Biggest one I know! (depends on for what tbh the other day a guest speaker was talking to the class and this kid was playing music in his headphones really really loud and it pissed me off)

81) last person you called? Called what? Called them a nerd? A good bean? A meme? MAKE MORE SENSE YOU ******* **** *** ******** (Well according to my phone, the name listed is “Mom”)

82) favorite ice cream flavor? I’ll ice your cream if you’re not careful (Vanilla with chocolate syrup mixed together is hella everyone GO TRY IT)

83) regular oreos or golden oreos? The fuck is a golden oreo?? (No seriously, what the actual is a golden oreo)

84) chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? *mario invincible star song plays as I flash color and dash down rainbow road* I’ll have to think about it (rainboooowww!)

85) what shirt are you wearing? Well I…. You see… The thing is…. excuse me for one second (yeah I can’t think of sass to this one but my favorite shirt! Sonic mania that my friend Tasha bought for me and I love it!!!)

86) what is your phone background?  RYUJIN NO KEN WO KURAE!! “What do you think of this color? Is it not beautiful?” If you dont know those HOW DARE YOU LEARN THEM AND WE ARE WATCHING DRAGON BALL (Genji lock screen and Goku Black home screen)

87) are you outgoing or shy? Does THIS answer your question >:D (Outgoing when I want to be, but I’m antisocial so it’s like I CAN be outgoing and personable but it’s highly on my terms ya feel?)

88) do you like it when people play with your hair? My hair is a pride to my race the Saiyans hair is a sacred thing I will advise you not to touch it (YYYEEESSSS I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT BUT THAT HARDLY EVER HAPPENS)

89) do you like your neighbors?  …..the what? Never heard of it before is that a type of appliance? (I mean they’re chill we don’t interact a lot which I’m cool with)

90) do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? Nothin can cure this ugly face fest of spring 2018 (I use face wash when I shower which is typically right after school not sure why it matters but there ya go :V)

91) have you ever been high? “I’m high on LIFE maaaannn” -Incorrect Shaggy quotes (N o p e  never have don’t plan on it)

92) have you ever been drunk? shots ShotS SHOTS SHOTSSHOTSHOTS (nope but I will one day maybe in College years)

93) last thing you ate? The shattering realization that my friends will keep saying OWO to me every chance they get (Pancakes! asked for french toast but I loooove the breakfast food so no complaints)

94) favorite lyrics right now someBODY Once Told Me The World Is Gonna Roll Me… (The lyrics to Bloody Stream dude it’s a  g r e a t  op)

95) summer or winter? Sorry I’m on Mars weather its ZXAR right now (eeehhhh winter cuz then I have an excuse to be inside and it’s also the ski season)

96) day or night? I am the darkness. I am the night. I am BATMAN (Night honestly I’m a fan of the darkness)

97) dark, milk, or white chocolate? Plllleeeeaaase its like asking if you’re heart is pure of evil or not. Dark Chocolate is a sin (Milk chocolate is the best chocolate fight me on that)

98) favorite month? See, some may argue for their birthday months, christmas, new beginnings to the year, but I say there’s only ONE spooky time :3 (Altho I’m one of the fools that’s gonna have to go with March because it usually has my favorite kind of weather for where I live)

99) what is your zodiac sign  I refuse to go by Zodiac signs until Ted Cruz is proven to be the Zodiac Kill————–”OLD MEME ALERT THIS IS THE MEME POLICE”   “I AINT GOIN BACK TO JAIL”  (Cancer! I wear a necklace of my sign all the time fun fact for ya)

100) who was the last person you cried in front of?  Me after writing all these (Don’t know actually I try not to cry in front of people ever)