#but I am 15 and struggling to cope with the workload and I need a break

[sh4d0w-gl]

I’m taking a day off from school cuz yes I’m flat out exhausted from the weekend in London but also I am just so fucking burnt out and cannot keep up and I just need a fucking day off I feel like if I carry on any longer I’m going to crumble jesus christ

[theansweris-a]

Commissions for an Emotional Support Dog

I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life, however I only realized it about three years ago. A year and a half ago, I was officially diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I also have been experiencing episodes of depression. My therapist at one point in time recommended that I get an emotional support dog to aide in coping with my disability. Due to my dad's allergy, the dog needs to be hypoallergenic, and it turns out that poodles make really good ESAs. I’ve also found that Bichon Frises, while needing a lot of grooming, seem to have a lot of the traits that I’d like in an ESA. I looked into it, and it turned out that both of these dogs are pretty expensive, especially considering how. Now that I have a job, I am ready to start saving towards one. I am still in Highschool, so it will take me a long time before I have enough money to get either a poodle or Bichon Frise. Because of this, I've decided to open commissions in order to help me reach my goal a little quicker. Even if you can't afford to get one or don't want one, I'd appreciate if you spread this around so that as many people as possible see it. 

All art will be sketched in pencil, with anything else done in Firealpaca. 

Can do:  Humans Humanoids Anthro Feral Robots Ghosts Monsters Aliens Canon characters Fan characters Original characters Gajinka or humanized versions Gore 

Won't do: Pairings** Sexual content Moles, makeup, jewelry* Hate art aimed towards any person or group Demons** Swearing Drug content Homestuck** Realism Inflation, vore, or anything along those lines 

*If your character has these, it doesn't mean I won't draw them period. I simply will not include that aspect of their design. This is because of some personal reasons, sorry! 

**Due to personal reasons 

Pencil Sketch

Lineart

Flat Color

Shading

-Bust-  (A character's head and shoulders) Pencil Sketch - $1 Lineart - $2 Flat color - $5 Shaded - $7 

-Halfbody-  (A character as seen from the waist up)  Pencil Sketch - $2  Lineart - $3  Flat Color - $7  Shaded - $10 

-Fullbody- (A character from head to toe) Pencil Sketch - $5 Lineart - $7 Flat Color - $12 Shaded - $15

-Portrait-  (Two or more characters in a scene)  Pencil Sketch - $10  Lineart - $14  Flat Color - $18  Shaded - $20  Every Extra Character - $5-$10 depending on commission type 

-Backgrounds- Single color, gradient, two to three color pattern - Free! Simple scene - $2 (Included with a portrait) Complex scene - $5 (+$3 with a portrait) 

-Other Add Ons- White outline - Free! Background silhouette - Free! Text - Free! Simple Texturing - $1 (Included with a portrait) Detailed texturing - $5 

I am also willing to draw for comics, games, and books, and do concept art! 

-Important things to note- •Part of the money must be paid up front before I will begin drawing your picture, and the rest after the final product is finished. Once full payment is received, you will be able to see your picture. This is so that I can't be cheated out of my time. •I reserve the right to refuse or refund any commission with or without reason. •Once the commission is completed you will be able to use it for whatever you like, but please do NOT repost it to your own account or claim that the art is yours! It hurts me as an artist because it takes away potential viewers. •How long it takes for me to finish the art mainly depends on the complexity of the art piece, my workload between school and my job, and my mental health status. Nagging me to finish will most likely make it harder for me to complete the commission. That being said, I will work as hard and as fast as possible to finish it and get it to you. •You can order as many commissions as you like at a time, but they will need to be paid for and delivered as a group. The more commissions in a group, the longer you will have to wait to receive them. •Other than for concept art, I cannot work from a written description of your character or of a color. I also cannot work from a photograph or a realistic 3D model. I will need a reference that is a 2D picture with easy access to the necessary colors if the commission will be colored. If possible, a separate color palette will be greatly appreciated! •Every dollar paid for commissions will go towards the dog. Once I have the dog I'll use any extra money I earn to pay for its living expenses such as food and vet visits. 

Commissions will likely remain open until I'm able to afford the dog. Shoot me a message if you're interested, and we can discuss the details! Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a lovely day! 

[flamestoflight]

2/6/18 Update

I almost can’t believe I’m about to say this but I actually had a really good therapy appointment this morning (!?) and it got me thinking about some things that I think I want to put in an update here just so that I have it for my future reflection.

Today was day 2 of the semester and somehow I feel like it’s been weeks. Yesterday I officially started my integrated clinical, which means that I’m taking full time classes but also working in the clinic MWF from 1:30-5:00 treating patients under the supervision of my CI. So Monday I had my first ever patients as the treating PT! My name was on the note and everything! It was a super exciting feeling, but at the same time I was entirely overwhelmed the whole time and struggled with feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I basically dove right in: manuals, mobs, ther-ex progression, functional assessment, adding new exercises...everything. It was wild and it felt really really cool to be doing that. There are aides floating around that we’re supposed to use to help us, which feels suuuuper weird because I’m used to being the one who the patients are handed off to and takes them through their exercises. Now I’m doing the skilled intervention stuff and I’m the one handing them off? Weird.

Except yesterday I didn’t have an aide help me with anything, I was able to manage my patients on my own (I had a lighter schedule and one of my patients no-showed lol so it was more a matter of literally only having one patient at a time to handle) and I’d much rather take them through everything and A) build that relationship with them and B) use that time to assess them further (they’re all brand new patients to me so any time I can get working with them is beneficial to me). Tomorrow might be a little busier and it’s good to know that I have the support if I need it. I also feel like my planning forms for tomorrow are waay more organized and easy to follow compared to Monday so that should help me too. 

Between planning forms and treatment notes and actually treating patients and going to class and doing work/studying...I’ve got quite the semester lined up for me. Not to mention eating and taking care of the boys and all the Human Things that humans do. And I’m at an interesting point where in order to deal with it, I’m being pulled in two very different directions. 

The first is the urge to revert back to how I was in high school. Become robotic, obsessed, perfectly organized, clean, accomplished, first to rise last to bed, days planned out in 15 minute intervals, a caffeinated perfectionist who doesn’t get anything wrong because there’s no time in the day to get anything wrong. Every minute is productive, every action is checked off the to do list. You avoid having to deal with feelings of inadequacy or failure if you are never inadequate and refuse to fail, right?

The other pull in my head is a regression back to last year, two years ago. Avoid having to deal with feelings of inadequacy or failure by distracting yourself with other harmful coping mechanisms that inhibit you from feeling anything else. Stay up all night engaging in harmful behaviors, drag yourself to school the next morning and spend all day hating yourself instead of learning, come home and engage in self-destructive behaviors to get yourself through the work you need to do.

So these are clearly two extremely polar mindsets, but they’re honestly the only way I’ve really dealt with extreme stress and pressure like this before. For now I am more or less riding the line between the two: trying to stay away from any extremes or obsessions. It’s challenging as hell, especially when I am feeling less than confident in my ability to take over the treatment of patients (and why wouldn’t I lack confidence? I’ve literally been in PT school for eight months. I have just scratched the surface on this stuff). But I really am doing my best at figuring out how this all goes. And balancing the two sides: obsession versus avoidance.

At the end of the day I’m extremely happy to be here and extremely grateful for the opportunity that being in clinic right now will afford me. And for how much I will learn. It’s safe to say that I am extremely overwhelmed though, and I honestly don’t see how my workload is ever going to be manageable this semester. It’s what all the second years have been saying. You’re overworked  and over-tired and overloaded and you’re never going to get it all done, but that’s just kind of how it is here. And again, I know I’ll learn a lot from this and be better for it. It’s just a lot to handle right now. 

Anyways. My point was that I’m busy but I’m managing. So far lol. I really haven’t talked to anyone about this. I hate the idea of complaining to my friends or family about ~how busy I am~ because what’s the point, and what does it accomplish besides annoying people and probably sounding pretentious. It is what it is, I am where I am. I’ll get it done like I always do. I just really hope I sustain non-detrimental habits and that I don’t let this all get to me.

[mental-health-advice]

I feel like I’m in an endless cycle of have homework, cant do homework, get more homework , cant decide between them and repeat my mum tells me to just snap out of it but I can’t my adhd and other shit just won’t let me I try so goddamm hard and nothing works tag as wolfboy

Hi love,

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA! I’m really sorry to hear that you have been struggling so much lately and that your mum hasn’t been very supportive. 

My first bit of advice is to talk to your teachers about finding homework difficult. How they help you will vary a lot depending on the educational facility and between teachers. But if you explain to them that you are finding the workload a little too much and sometimes you can’t do the work they may be able to offer you some extra support with it; this may be altering some of the work into a different format, or extra tutoring sessions with them. It is up to you what you think will work best for you, but there is never any harm in asking for a little help. Ultimately your teachers are there to help you do well in education so most are more than willing to do anything they can to help. You may also want to consider reaching out to a friends or class mate and maybe doing some of the homework together? You could start a study group or just hang out after school and work on it. This way you will have someone to help motivate you, help you when you are finding something hard, and just someone to spend some time with. Is this something you think could work?

It is key to take breaks when studying too, otherwise you will begin feeling overwhelmed and isolated. Professors recommend that you should only study for 60-90 minutes at a time, taking at least 10 minutes break in between (take longer off if you need to!). In that free time try to do something that doesn’t involve too much brain power but preferably involves being active; maybe going downstairs and making a cup of tea, dance around your bedroom to your favourite song. Please do try to remember that your health and happiness always come before your education – you are more important than some grades here. 

I am going to briefly discuss some of the symptoms of ADHD and some techniques you could try to manage these symptoms, then you can take a look at how you can incorporate these into the things you are struggling with at home and school. 

Inattention - difficulty concentrating on a single task, easily distracted. To help manage this, you could try giving yourself specific time goals for completing a task; so if you have homework to do, work for periods of 10/15 minutes, then take a break. This will hopefully increase your focus and motivation during your work periods, but allow you to do other things and occupy yourself during the breaks.

Hyperactivity - restless and fidgety, sometimes unable to cope with quietness. Incorporating moderate exercise into your daily schedule may help to control energy levels. Also practising meditation and other relaxation techniques may be something for you to look into.

Impulsivity - making quick decisions without thinking about the consequences eg. spending money, or reckless behaviour. Mindfulness could be really helpful for controlling impulsive thoughts; when you find yourself about to engage in something impulsive, try writing out what the action is, then consider the pros and cons, and try to make a balanced decision about whether or not you want to engage in that behaviour.

In terms of talking to your mum… ADHD does come with a lot of stigma about it being laziness or just disorganisation, so it can be hard for people to accept the validity of it as a mental health condition. If this is something you are worried about, maybe you could begin talking to your mum about it by discussing the things you have been struggling with at school and just in your daily life, and gradually work up to telling her that you need a little more support and would appreciate her help. I am sure that your mum will just want what is best for you and will be willing to do anything she can to help you. You are valid and you deserve all the help available to you

I hope this has been useful for you, friend. If there is anything further that we can help you with, then please don’t hesitate to get back in touch with us! Please take care,

Rhiann xo

[paulchaloner]

Why esports needs two hosts for big events

In the beginning there were no casters. No hosts, no analysts, no interviewers, side-line reporters, panel members, observers, desks or stages. This was esports in 2002. In fifteen short years, we’ve come to expect all of these job roles to be filled by highly professional talent members at every single tournament, no matter the size of stadium or LAN hall.

In 2005, a small collection of budding shoutcasters (as we were known back then) from Radio iTG (one of the two main studios in esports at the time) headed to one of the most prestigious esports events of the year, Quakecon 2005. In that year, the event was held in the exhibition hall of the incredible Gaylord Texan Resort Hotel in Grapevine, Texas. Those early pioneers included Marcus “djWHEAT” Graham, Alison “Trillian” Suttles, Stuart “TosspoT” Saw, Darren “Lun” Webber and our production maestro for the weekend (the only one!) Chad “Blankz” Budd. And me, heading, for the first time in my life to a North American esports event.

We all paid our own way to the event, as in, those of us like Stuart and I, paid for our rather expensive, middle of August flights from London to Dallas, costing around £800 each. We also had to pay for the hotels, which Marcus kindly covered a couple of rooms for us to share. Though, we arrived a couple of days ahead of our check in date, so Darren (sadly, killed in a motorbike accident less than a year later) kindly put some of us up in his house for a couple of nights. Chad also ran the chauffer service, picking us up from the airport. There were no shuttles, talent managers or anything resembling a welcoming committee other than the kindness of our own group.

We were given a small spot on the Intel stand, to setup a PC and some small broadcasting equipment and a pair of us at a time would stand next to the table where our equipment was set up and cast the games from Quakecon. On this occasion, Quake 2, Quake 3 and Doom 3. We’d take it in turns to stand up there and cast in pairs, while the other shot off and collected interviews where we could. The main broadcast went out on internet radio and to the small and slightly bemused audience crowded around the Intel stand. At this stage, the match audio went absolutely nowhere near the main stage in the other hall and that area was certainly off limits to any of our shoutcast team. Our audience on site reached about 50 or so people over the course of the day and while Intel were kind enough to donate some space, I remember thinking: “They have no idea what the hell we are doing here”.

The idea behind our attendance wasn’t a vanity exercise, though we were all nerds who loved Quake and wanted to be part of the experience. Our job was to show the people running Quakecon and Intel for that matter, that we, as casters could bring excitement and entertainment to their venue by commentating the tournament matches. That we would, over time, help bring more people to the venue and the trade stands and grow an online viewership for those not able to get to the event by doing what we did best: cast the matches. That in the future, if they wanted us, they would have to pay our flights and hotels. God forbid at some point in the future we would actually earn any pay for the week we worked.

I guess, if you weren’t around back then and perhaps only found esports in the last few years, this will sound rather incredible, almost unrealistic and incomprehensible. But that’s how many tournaments began using talent. It should go without saying too, we were paid absolutely nothing and indeed even struggled to get enough free tickets for everyone to get in!

Imagine for example, the CS:GO Major in Krakow having no live commentary for the attending audience or anyone watching around the world and instead, you heard about the results of the matches on Twitter. On Monday. Sure, there were websites around like ESReality reporting back scores and so on, but they mostly relied on players or us to give them that information! Most of the early esports galleries are from me or Michal “Carmac” Blicharz as we were just two of a handful of people who even owned a camera! And we had no social media back then either, just mIRC to spread the word.

I explain all of this to help put in context something that I have been thinking about for a little while now and to help people understand I make this statement not because I am ungrateful of my fortunate position (doing something I love) or that I am mistreated in some way, but because like all the steps we have taken in esports since those early days, we need to make progress. Progress comes painfully sometimes, by raising difficult questions or by taking a hard look at ourselves and our industry. By examining our relationships and work practices. But, never the less, just because it might be difficult or invite ridicule from those who believe (wrongly) that we are behaving like spoiled brats, it is right to ask questions, reach for change and challenge accepted norms.

In more recent years I’ve seen others working to improve our industry, James “2GD” Harding, Auguste “Semmler” Massonnat, David “LD” Gorman, Scott “SirScoots” Smith and Henry “HenryG” Greer (to name but a few). All of them greatly helping to improve industry standards, pay and conditions.

Even as we began doing more events in 2006 and 2007, it was rare to have more than a few casters attend each event to do the entire tournament. Often leading to incredibly long days for all concerned. In fact, I remember one acute case where the tournament for Quake 4 began at 11am on Saturday and was still going at 7am the following morning, all casted by one person the entire time. While that is certainly an outlier, there were often 12 to 15 hour days for those delivering on-camera duties at every event and often even longer for those delivering production.

And don’t think this is something that happened a few years ago, I racked up 93 hours at the recent CSGO Major in 7 days. It has not been uncommon to complete 13-18 hour days in many of the tournaments held this year.

Casters in recent years have fought hard to ensure they aren’t subjected to these kind of hours. It’s unusual for less than three pairs to be hired for big events today and in doing so, they are able to stagger their call times and reduce the workload to a sensible set of matches not usually going past 8 hours and often even less. This allows the talent to deliver an optimum experience, avoid burning themselves out and ensures high quality production and broadcasts. Ultimately, the fan at home benefits with casters no longer tired beyond comprehension after multiple 15+ hour days.

More recently, thanks to ESL and PGL in particular, analysts are now common place among the broadcast team and can rotate in and out of the show. Again, improving the experience for everyone watching and those contributing to the show. No longer do we have the same two people looking like zombies on day 3 of a long tournament having completed 15 hours in consecutive days. Even observers have rotations now often between two or three people at each event. Gone are the days of Josh Nissan or Alexandre "FunKa" Verrier sat in a hot stuffy office for 15 hours on their own.

So I don’t think it’s a stretch to suggest we have rotating desk hosts at big events. It’s not very common, though Sheever kindly took over the last game of the night for me at the DAC tournament earlier this year and even saving me a few hours a night made a huge difference to my mental state and sleep pattern such that I believe the show was better for it.

My original tweet about the subject (coming on day one of the major) was, in hindsight, rather ill-timed and I wasn’t looking for sympathy or wanting anyone to give PGL a hard time about it. In fact, it wasn’t even related to the event (other than pointing out the long hours) itself.

Nor was I complaining about the lack of a second host at the event, just that it was a subject I’d been thinking about for a while and that we should discuss it more. Indeed, SirScoots offered to step in for me if I was feeling fatigued, so that wasn’t the issue at the time of the tweet. Nor was the fact that I may have looked a little pale on the first few days (I’m fucking British, of course I’m fucking pale!) related to anything other than some bright lights and some light make up, which we fixed.

I also heard people saying we should be grateful we don’t have to work the hours of the production team and trust me when I say this (having been part of that production team on many occasions) I am. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the work put in by production crews, often finding themselves in the venue an hour or two ahead of talent and staying behind after the show ends for an hour or two. They can easily rack up significant hours during an event. I estimated for example that PGL production staff likely completed more than 120 hours of work in 7 days at the major. And that doesn’t even take in to account all the prep work leading up to the event which they started on months before and worked on continuously leading up to it.

It’s not unreasonable to say we should be looking at their hours too and just because I raised the issue of one host covering the entire event not being enough, doesn’t belittle production staff or make their case any lesser. Ridiculous hours for talent or production lead to mistakes and mistakes cost money, time and reputation. I hope to see a place in the future where there are different teams of people to cover production roles too. Progress.

I don’t expect everyone to understand the host role or be able to empathise as a result. But I will admit, that while I love the job, the hours can be insane, the stress involved in staying focused for long days over an extended period put a lot of pressure on you and there are a lot of moving parts you have to be able to cope with during the show. You’re constantly listening to your panellists, while trying to feed the great questions, following the producer in your ear, wrestling with time and a show rundown with parts to throw to, bringing in videos and interviews, adapting to changes and issues on the fly, introducing graphics you might never have seen and appearing to the viewer that it was totally planned, helping the conversation flow seamlessly from one part to the next and then when you aren’t on camera, taking in the match, watching every round and trying to eat and drink occasionally. Overall, my job is to make sure you are guided through the show seamlessly and without drama (other than that coming from the matches!). It might not sound much and it’s not laying concrete for sure, but it is very stressful and tiring.

And for those saying I get a break during the matches, no. Yes ok, I get to sit and watch the match, so from that point of view I’m sitting down, sure! But I’m not resting, I’m watching, taking notes, building narratives for the analysts to discuss when we come back after the match, discussing the other parts with the producer, updating stats and rundown points, doing signing sessions or photo sessions or press interviews (as part of our job). While there is no doubt that production have to stay focused at all times and mistakes can lead to people being fired, on-screen talent have that threat too and face public backlash at the smallest of mistakes. Some mistakes can (as we have seen in the past) be career ending.

I don’t accept the premise that I am out getting smashed out of my brains on alcohol either. I have a very good work ethic and in the main I avoid any alcohol (or dancing!) until the end of the event. I need to stay sharp and focused and that means getting enough sleep, which usually by the end of the day is the only thing left to do in any case!

I’ll also say that I feel a sense of pride in what I do and that extends to ensuring I do the job I’ve been hired for. If an event has hired me, I want to ensure I host the show for them, not whine on day two about the hours and ask for a replacement to step in, even if, like Scoots, there is one to do so. That’s a personal feeling of responsibility to the role. I’d feel like I was letting people down if I asked for a break.

Then there is ego. Something Scoots said to me rang true when we discussed the idea of two hosts. We all have egos and part of that ego is believing we can do the job better than someone else, so it’s hard to admit for us that actually we should have two hosts for a show. It’s like Scoots said “we entrust our baby to someone else” and that’s hard.

This is absolutely not about money either. In fact a few of us hosts have already discussed lowering our rates should we be able to do a joint hosting event.

Ultimately, we need to persuade the organisers and publishers that having two hosts becomes the norm (much like in Olympic broadcasting for example) and I’d personally welcome the chance to prove this can be a better road for everyone should the opportunity arise, not least that the fans get two hosts for the event!

There is no need to grab the pitchforks and complain to the organisers just yet either, we’ve hardly spoken to them or discussed two host setups, which, yes, will cost more. It won’t however cost more than extending tournaments to extra days which also means additional costs of renting arenas, production kit, people and so on. It seems wholly unreasonable to do so too, especially as players are now happier than they have ever been with schedules of matches. No longer those days of playing 7 back to back matches…

It’s not a big deal having two hosts, it’s just that having one do everything has become the norm and it’s important to challenge norms. That’s down to those who do the job and not (despite the support) a reddit thread demonising organisers.

I firmly believe that the show would benefit from having two hosts and I’ll work with other hosts and organisers to make that a reality.

[junker-town]

Earl Thomas and Le’Veon Bell are leading the way in how NFL players fight for their salaries

Forget holdouts, top NFL players make ‘business decisions’ every time they take the field.

“There’s the business side and the ball side,” Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said when asked about Earl Thomas’ “hold in” — his decision to skip practice because he wants a new contract — during his weekly interview with the local ESPN affiliate. “We’re trying to figure out what’s best.”

For Carroll, and members of the Seahawks front office, that binary view of roster construction might be accurate. There’s the “business side” — the question of budgeting (someone else’s) money — and there’s the “ball side”: wins, and eventually higher profits as a result. From behind their ledger, “business decisions” about which players to sign and cut look relatively black and white. The cost is money, and the benefit is a skilled body.

But with their holdouts and hold-ins, players like Earl Thomas and running back Le’Veon Bell are drawing attention to a gray area. Specifically, the space where the game’s inevitable damage to that body — from standard wear-and-tear to life-altering injuries — has long-term financial and personal consequences.

Bell hasn’t reported to the Steelers facility since the team applied the franchise tag to him earlier this year for the second consecutive season in lieu of solidifying a long-term deal. He’s foregoing nearly a million dollars per game, but avoiding a situation in which the Steelers might try to “get their money’s worth” by giving him a heavy workload at one of the game’s most vulnerable positions, during what would appear to be his last season with the team.

Thomas ended his holdout for a new contract before Week 1, but has been reluctant to participate in practice and team activities any more than is absolutely necessary.

“I need to make sure my body is 100,” he told reporters after last Sunday’s game, presumably alluding to his impending free agency as well as the trade market. “If they were invested in me, I would be out there practicing.”

Even as the financial stakes grow, the physical stakes of football remain almost the same at every level. The X-factor is how much leverage each player feels they have to turn that wear into profit. As top-tier players, Bell and Thomas are showing fans the mental math behind every carry and tackle — the game-to-game reality of how NFL players calculate risk versus reward. At a time when the power imbalance in tackle football has never been more obvious, it’s a pragmatic approach to acknowledging the game’s dangers without quitting it altogether or fatalistically accepting its brutality as an inevitable part of being a “team player.”

The way the football pipeline is set up now, players assume the vast majority of the risk. They are required to bet on themselves through college, finding the situation where they can accrue eye-popping stats and highlight tape while avoiding career-ending injury — while making no money. Then they have to bet on themselves entering the draft: leave early and get paid something sooner without having their college degree, or leave later and maybe get drafted higher and make more (or, in either scenario, maybe not get drafted at all). Once in the league, they can be cut at almost any time.

Succeeding on this path is presented as a question of toughness and grit and loyalty and other, similarly character-defining adjectives. On a team of 53 men, there’s an assumption that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. That players need to sacrifice to win, to give the game everything they have or get off the field.

Some players, when confronted with the risk of concussion or other long-term injury, choose to do the latter. Niners linebacker Chris Borland quit the game in 2015 after playing for one season. “From what I’ve researched and what I’ve experienced, I don’t think it’s worth the risk,” he told ESPN at the time. Linebacker Joshua Perry retired after two seasons this summer: “I think a lot of guys tend to understand the risks, but not necessarily talk about it because you can’t go into football having reservations,” he said on the Today show.

That latter attitude is more common, even among high school players. “I know that CTE can be a risk, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take,” freshman Florida State offensive guard Christian Meadows told USA Today last year. The paper had asked 40 top high school players how concussion risk factored into their decision to play. “I mean I could take care of my family and make lots of money doing what I love,” Meadows continued. “That’s worth it to me.”

Buccaneers safety Chris Conte, who went viral after being on the receiving end of a vicious stiff arm while playing through a torn PCL last week, long ago made his perspective on these kinds of decisions clear. “I’d rather have the experience of playing and, who knows, die 10, 15 years earlier than not be able to play in the NFL and live a long life,” he told the Denver Post in 2014. He currently has to sit out six weeks because his injury was exacerbated during Monday night’s game.

Jets safety Jamal Adams put it more succinctly in a press conference during training camp last year when asked about a then-just-released study on football and CTE. “We live and breathe it and this is what we’re so passionate about,” he said. “Literally, I would—if I had a perfect place to die, I would die on the field. Like, it’s so much sacrifice that we go through as a team and just connecting as one and winning ball games. There’s nothing like the playing the game of football.”

But what place does self-sacrifice at that level have in a business? That’s the question Thomas and Bell pose as they allow fans to watch not just their negotiations with teams, but with themselves. Both have already accepted the game’s inherent risks, and—especially for Bell—sacrificed some of their long-term football viability in service of team success.

“I don’t think it affected the way that I played because I wasn’t necessarily thinking, ‘I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to get hurt,’” Bell said earlier this year of playing under his first franchise tag. “I was just kind of playing physical. I knew after this year that they had to put me up front. I felt that kind of inspired me.”

But now, their cost-benefit equation has a hefty intangible attached: the cost of potential damage to not just their future earnings, but their future well-being. How much money is it worth for Bell to be at the bottom of one more goal-line pile? He’s decided it’s more than $850,000. How much money is it worth for Thomas not to put his pads on in practice? To him, it’s clearly worth more than whatever he’ll be fined by the team.

Other players are weighing in, shedding light on the kinds of discussions that typically stay in the locker room. “For me, I’d give you everything in practice, you would see—the cameras would see that I am fine, I am healthy,” James Harrison said of Bell during a recent appearance on FS1’s Undisputed. “But come Saturday, ‘something ain’t right, I can’t play on Sunday.’ Because if I go out here and I mess something up I’m losing a lot of money.” To Adrian Peterson, Bell’s productivity on the franchise tag should be retroactively compensated. “He’s like, ‘I have played off the franchise tag that you guys have given me, and you guys still won’t pay me what’s due, what I feel like I am valued,’” he told SI. “I’d be sitting out too.”

Thomas and Bell’s public battles are making NFL players’ constant struggle to get the money they believe they’re worth more granular by putting the actual risks they face every time they play front and center. Rather than simply claiming that they want to earn more money (which clearly, they do), they are — intentionally or not — tapping into increasing public awareness of just how dangerous this game is by being more precise about how and when they are willing to extend themselves, favoring a transactional view of how to cope with football’s brutality in lieu of a romanticized one. It’s a direct challenge of the assumption that grit is enough to make all the other side effects of playing football disappear, and to the notion that playing through pain and putting the team first are intrinsically worthwhile.

Bell and Thomas know that a quarterback will always be perceived as more valuable than a safety or running back because his “mileage,” as it’s so cynically termed, accrues that much more slowly. But these are people, not cars. When they get “dinged-up” or “run out of gas,” it hurts. How much is that worth? As is becoming increasingly obvious, the only people who can answer that question are the players themselves.