lacerationdivination

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3 years since i've been here.

it feels like something is trying to claw its way out of me. im barely managing to hold it at bay. therapy helped a lot but it wasnt enough. im still like this. im still fucked up. im a couple steps away from completely losing my mind and i've been dealing with that for so so so long. i dont know what to do. i have to keep waiting until i can afford help. money is so tight right now its a little scary but im managing. but that means i cant pursue more treatment right now. even though i really desperately need it. im really downplaying to everyone around me how bad i am. i dont know what to say. or how to say it. or what would even come of any of it. so i just act like its all okay and ill just. get better when im able to. and no one will have to know.

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“Becoming Wilderness”

Inka Lindergard and Niclas Holmstrom

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https://www.instagram.com/femalepentimento/

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Verfallene Kapelle / Chapel Ruin (1845, Oil on canvas) - Carl Hasenpflug

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Hubble Sees a Young Star Take Center Stage by NASA Goddard Photo and Video

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i dont know why but every now and then theres something that tugs me back here. i’m so much better now but i know that all of this is still inside me. of course i’m “rational” or whatever now, but i’d be lying if i said i never thought about any of it anymore. my wings are but faded wisps of what they used to be, but theyre still there. a part of them still exists. i may not shudder when i feel the wind blow through them anymore, but every now and then the pang of a weight that doesn’t exist resonates through my whole body, and i’m not sure which feeling i hate more. 

getting older and growing up is weird. its weird looking back and knowing that all of this was me. i still have the remnants, faded as they may be. i look back at my writings from years and years ago and wonder “how the fuck is this me?” while at the same time the memories flood through my brain, my hands, my veins, my wings, my soul. i may not be a delusional teenager anymore, but everything that happened to me back then, including the divinity delusions, heavily influenced my current belief system and how i even function on a day-to-day basis.

theres that part of me that is still holding on to it. cradling it, almost. the idea of letting go of it feels impossible. its comforting, knowing that if things really really went wrong, i could just...go back. let myself succumb again and this time i could totally and completely lose myself in it. of course i dont want that to actually happen but......its there. and i know its there. and its probably always going to be there. i can always go back.

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i hope you’re happy. i hope you’re safe. i never even knew you but i think about you so often. i wonder if you ever feel it.

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hands in various paintings by luca giordano 🥀

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Akira Nagasawa

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Standing stones in the mist

Lagatjar Callanish Stones Bodmin Moor Ekornavalle