#bur i slept well today

[mothsaresc4ry]

I have the next chance at theoretical driving test in 5 minutes. WISH ME LUCK. I WILL FUCKING DIE IF I DON'T PASS IT THIS TIME 🥲

[pipi-un-kaki-in-pipi-land]

beneath the stars

summary: you and your classmates go on a camping trip but there werent enough tents so you had to sleep with someone on particular

“y/n, y/n!” A cheery voice squealed outside your dorm door as you shrugged your body off the bed to go see who was disturbing your needed solitary time. You swung the door open following a loud creak, and a familiar blonde girl stood right in front of you. “Oh, it’s you,” you widened your tired eyes in surprise, as if you weren’t exhausted enough to willingly faint in front of her.

“This is for you, it’s a class camping trip!” It was her turn to widen her eyes, giggling as she handed you an invitation card. You hesitantly took it, your mood lightening up ever so slightly. You couldn’t help but be grateful for this spontaneous invitation, as you finally obtained a chance to escape the sickening reality of extra classes that you had been attending as a result of skipping lessons due to totally unforeseen reasons.

“Thanks,” you mumbled before closing the door and examining the printed letter carefully. The venue was a forest which you had been to before with your roommate to hunt some venison (for fun). As you lay on your bed, you could not help but wonder if Wednesday was going to be there. Knowing her, she would never give in to these kinds of unnecessary events, but if Enid was the organizer, then surely, she should tag along somehow.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time twilight came, you were already there, dressed in your vintage sweatshirt and trackpants as the weather was unusually chilly today. You could already see people preparing a huge campfire with tents surrounding it.

“y/n?” A deep voice sounded in your ears, and you turned around and saw Xavier standing there. “Hey, Xavier. You came too?” you asked, not failing to notice the big bag of marshmallows and sticks beside him. “Yeah, I’m surprised to see you here, I thought you’d never come like Enid said you would,” he replied, slicking his hair back before it fell again. “I just needed to attend some extra classes,” you blatantly lied; instead, you were too lazy to get up so you just hung out around the library the entire day.

“Well, since we didn’t anticipate your arrival, we didn’t prepare a tent for you. I mean, each of us are supposed to sleep in pairs, so you have to go find yours. But I wouldn’t mind if you slept in my tent,” Xavier chuckled, his eyes breaking free from yours.

“She can stay in mine,” a familiar monotone voice interjected. The both of you turned your heads to see Wednesday standing there, relentlessly stabbing a few marshmallows onto a stick as her contagious gaze met yours. “But if I stay with you then what about Eni-” you asked, but was cut off. “She has her own partner. Now, do I need to elaborate further?” Wednesday said bluntly, pulling your hand towards her as she walked towards the raging campfire.

“Here,” she said as she placed the stick of marshmallows in your hand. Whether Wednesday cared or not, you were loving this assertive behavior of hers. The two of you were inseparable before, but ever since extra classes got into your way, your relationship with her was nothing but shattered glass.

As you and Wednesday toasted the marshmallows over the fire, you took a glance at her usual gloomy face. “Sorry, Addams. I haven’t been able to talk to you lately. It’s just- I’ve been really busy,” you blurted, but no response came from the ravenette. She looked at you briefly then took bit a chunk out of her roasted marshmallow. “I didn’t expect you to come here,” was the only she said before taking another bite. “Your marshmallow’s getting burnt, y/n.”

You had never seen Wednesday so fragile before. You’d think that she wouldn’t be bothered with your absence, but turns out she was more than buggered about it.

And vowed to make it up to her later on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bitter taste of burnt marshmallows burned down your throat as you and Wednesday listened to lame stories told by your classmates. By the time everyone had said goodnight, you were already lying in her tent, staring at nothing but the orange fabric. You shared an awkward glance at her, before looking back at the top of the tent again. You wanted to console her somehow, but you had no clue how.

Taking a gulp, you slowly placed your arm around her side, feeling a sense of nostalgia as you did so. Wednesday turned her body to look at you, adjusting your arm on her waist. “We’ve done this before. Why are you nervous?” she asked curiously, your arms trembling at the touch of her waist.

“I just need to get the hang of it again,” you smiled, your arm extending down to her back before you pulled her even closer to you (w rizz). “I would give you the world if I could, cara mia,” Wednesday said as she turned to lie on her back, causing your hand to lay flat on her stomach. You could feel her heart pound through every inch of her body as you inched closer to her, wrapping your other arm around her shoulder.

“Gracias, Addams,” you gratefully muttered under your breath as light snores came from the ravenette.  

You embraced her snugly, not ever letting go.

[pocketmania]

🦑 Haihai !! It's vivi I have ideas now !!

I've been thinking about sending more, but I haven't had ideas that I could do, I really love your writing there !!🩷

So so sooo! I got the idea of agian shiver x frye with a partner that's an insomniac? Like they act energetic like they had sweets, but they often can't sleep they just don't talk about it much, they're sweet, loving, and love affection, bur often fake being asleep late at night if one of them are awake :3

Kyaaa!! Hello vivi! Thank you thank you thank you for the support ^^

I'm glad you've got ideas again! Just like 🍊 anon, your requests are always super interesting :0

For this one I'll be doing headcanons since it seems like the best formatting (if that's alright)

Now onto the thingy

‎‧₊˚✧[ Shiver and

Frye w/ an Insomniac!

Reader ]✧˚₊‧

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

(🔫🎨👩‍❤️��💋‍👩💭) - splatoon headcanons

(reader type) - gender neutral

(‼️warnings) - none ✨️

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

♨ You, Shiver, and Frye have been dating for about 2 years

♨ Which means that Shiver and Frye have both somewhat memorized your sleep schedule by now

♨ you've got a reaaaallyy bad case of insomnia that started when you were in your teens and followed you into adulthood

♨ you don't often talk about it, though, which Shiver actually hates

♨ Frye does the job of monitoring your caffeine intake to make sure you get to bed on time

♨ ❝ AH—! Hold it! That's your 3rd cup today. Give it here. ❞

♨ sometimes, if one of them is up late, you'll fake being asleep so they don't worry

♨ let's say that Shiver was up late at night, badgering their producer about their latest gig on the phone

♨ you were in bed, facing the door and staring at basically nothing. every time Shiver passed by your door, you'd quickly shut your eyes and pretend to be asleep

♨ eventually, you'd fall asleep for real

♨ Shiver usually asks you about how you slept in the morning

♨ ❝ Morning, (N/N). How'd ya sleep? ❞

♨ Since you don't really like talking about your sleep schedule, you always give a lazy response

♨ ❝ Good. I slept well. ❞

♨ Shiver was, like, so surprised to learn you have insomnia considering you're as hyper as Frye

♨ Like, energetic in a way that she needs to put you both on a leash and keep you at an arm's distance away from each other because you enable one another

♨ but trust me when I say that these two are pretty concerned for your well-being

♨ you are their s/o, of course

♨ going back to what i said earlier, Shiver and Frye both caught onto your little "fake-sleep" ploy due to a little slip-up on your part

♨ cue the montage

♨ they'd like. stand over you to make sure you're actually sleeping

♨ ❝ (Y/N)... (Y/N)! Are you sleeping? ❞

♨ ❝ I WAS. ❞

♨ while Shiver tried to pry details about your insomnia, Frye went out and bought melatonin gummies for you

♨ being honest, Big Man gave her the idea

♨ Since she knows you like gummies and sweet things, she thought these were perfect for you

♨ so, while you were getting ready not to go to bed, she popped her head into the doorway and gave you the gummies

♨ you didn't think much of it, so you took them

♨ you slept. like a ROCK.

♨ soooo despite you not really being used to sleeping so well (and not really liking it), they were really proud of you!

♨ it was a fresh start

♨ ba dum tss

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

[oflgtfol]

sorry i feel like after every single migraine i have i need to do a self reflection afterward

holy shit so i woke up. at 2am like i said i would and my migraine is gone im still kinda weird so im gonna go back to sleep to make sure its entirely gone bc being on my phone again is making me wary of it returning but like. my 2am estimate was spot on LMAO

But anyway uhm my real holy shit moment is the fact that. this was the very first migraine ive ever experienced where i never got sick. which kind of made it miserable because i normally cope with migraines by, uhm TMI + emetophobia warning, but i normally cope with the pain because puking makes the pain stop for a few minutes, and thats normally when im finally able to fall asleep, so i normally spend the entire migraine mostly sleeping and then just waking up briefly to puke again and then go back to sleep, and then over the course of the next 6 hours each time i wake up the pain gradually weakens until its gone. but when i dont puke its just pain and pain and theres no relief it took me two entire hours to finally fall asleep today and i was even like rocking bakc and forth trying to make myself nauseous to puke to get some relief but it just wouldnt happen im surprised i even fell asleep within two hours but i did and i slept right through until 2am and now my migraines gone.

this sort of happened with the last migraine i had except if i rememeber correctly i did puke, but only once, and it was after that one time that i was able to sleep the rest off, and that happened about an hour into it but it was still a miserable hour. and again even just getting sick only one time is an outlier for me

i did take excedrin right at the beginning of my migraine today, which my mom has been using for her own migraines, and she also got me to take it last time as well, so im wondering if the excedrin is whats making my migraines less intense in terms of getting sick. and also the pain hasnt been as bad as it normally is, but again its still a migraine so its still Bad, so i still kinda wanna get sick just for relief. bur when the pain is its normal level then i like NEED to get sick so i can get relief. so i guess in exchange for not getting sick, i get less pain as well, but its like, it kinda makes it more of a miserable experience than a normal migraine because i dont get any relief. so i dont know i have mixed feelings about excedrin if its gonna make it harder for me to sleep off my migraines which is my main way of coping with it

bur then the other part of me is wondering, this frequency of migraines is really new and abnormal. im normally on a strict 2 year schedule, my last on-schedule migraine was in fall 2021 i wasnt scheduled for another migraine until fall 2023, but then i got one in october 2022, i think i got one again sometime a month or two after that, and now here i am again in march 2023, like three migraines in a row in a year that i wasnt even scheduled to have a single migraine in. some part of me is worried it might be an effect of accutane but hopefully since im off it now and its getting out of my system i’ll make my way back to my old schedule (if it even is a side effect of accutane) cuz like it sucks getting one this frequently, although its still not as bad as people who have like actual chronic migraines like my mom who gets one every 2-3 weeks, or others who get them even more frequently than that. but it still sucks yknow lol

the only other thing i can think of that might be causing migraines more frequently is that like. either my chronic sleep deprivation is catching up to me, or like. shits so bad im seriously wondering if every little thing wrong with me lately can be like a physical side effect of having severe depression like im seriously about to google if depression can make migraines worse cuz i dont know anything anymore. especially because i was in such a shit ass fucking mood this morning and then lo and behold migraine

so anyway im also wondering if maybe just the fact that these migraines are off schedule might be making them weaker than my normal ones. like my 2 year schedule ones are the mega migraines the things that last 6-8 hours, the ones that cause the huge entire, UNMISTAKABLE auras that cover my whole vision (rather than my wimpy ones lately that have me doubting if its an aura at all until its already almost over), the ones that have me bedridden within minutes of the aura ending, the ones that have the worst pain of my life and make sick like every 20 minutes, etc. And then maybe these off schedule ones, since theyre off schedule, might be weaker, have me sick less offen and with less pain, and tend to be slightly shorter than normal, etc? but i dont know it probably is just the excedrin causing the difference

[ennikity]

❤𝑵𝒊-𝒌𝒊 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏... 𝑻𝒊𝒔𝒔𝒖𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒃𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒌𝒆𝒕𝒔❤ ☽𝘎𝘦𝘯𝘳𝘦: 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧☾ ☽𝘞𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴: 𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘦☾

You were never ill. It could be freezing outside, raining cats and dogs or whatever the weather could be, your health would just remain perfect. That’s why you couldn’t understand why were you feeling so bad that day. Specially that day. 

You looked at your image on the mirror. Your face was pale, much more than usual, and everyone could say that you had barely slept. But you didn’t want anything to ruin that day, so you just shrugged off and begun to get ready. Ni-ki was about to arrive. 

When the bell rang, it was almost mid day. You could see the sun shining outside, and everyone taking off their coats because of the good weather. But despite all of that, you were cold. Once more, you tried to forget it, and attempted to put the brighter smile on your face when you opened the door. 

- Good morning!

You couldn’t help but smile at the sight of your boyfriend, Ni-ki, who was smiling brightly in front of you. But his smile frooze the moment he saw your tired face and the way you tried to hide your shaking body. 

- Hey, are you ok?- he asked, leaning closer to you. 

You stepped back, not wanting him to worry, and tried to smile.

- Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry.

- No, you are clearly not- he answered, crossing his arms. 

You sighed, not wanting to deal with his stubbornness that day.

- Yes I am.

- No your not- he replied again.

- Yes I am- you said, losing your patience. 

- Yes, you are- he suddlenly changed his anwer, bur you didn’t realized and changed yours too, exacly what he wanted.

- No I’m no-

- Gotcha!- he screamed, startling you- I knew it!

Then, he took you hand and pulled you inside the house, without giving you time to react. You only realized what he was doing when he sat you on the coach and put one of his hands on your forehead. 

- Looks like someone has a bit of... fever, fever, fever, fever- he said, singing one of his group’s last songs.

You tried to keep a plain face, but ended up failing.

- C’mon, don’t look me like that. I know you like the song- he said, smirking at you- Now, this is what we are going to do: you are going to go to be while I make something hot to eat, and then you are going to explain why you didn’t want to tell me you weren’t feeling well.

- But, what about all the things we had planned for today?- you said with a sad tone.

- Don’t worry about that. I’ll came up with something. 

Then, with a soft smile, he leaned closer and kissed your nose gently. 

- C’mon, go to bed. I’ll be there in a few minutes. 

You sighed and nodded. Half of you was sad because you were really looking foward that day, but the other half was just relief because Ni-ki didn’t look disappointed or something. Plus the fact that now you could ask for hugs and cuddles. It’s not that you didn’t do it already, but you know what I mean.

- I’m coming!

Ni-ki entered to the room with a tray on his hands, and passed you a bowl of soup when he sat on your side. 

- I know you aren’t probably hungry, but you have to eat if you want to feel better- he said- I also brought water and some meds. 

You pouted at the sight of the food, and the boy laughted. 

- Yeah... I’m not as good at cooking as Jay- he told you, scratching the back of his neck- But I promise you that this time the soup is quite good. Won’t you give it a try?

He looked at you whith his puppy eyes, and you knew that you wouldn’t be able to say no. So you picked up the spoon and began to eat. 

Ni-ki watched you with a proud smile while he caressed the back of the hand you weren’t using. 

- And now, I need you to take medicine.

But the moment he leaned the spoon closer, you closed your mouth tightly. 

- T/N...- he whined.

But you just shook your head. It was your turn to be stubborn. 

You were so focused on that, that you didn’t see the evil smile on your boyfriend’s face until you felt his lips against yours. And for a moment, you forgot everything. It was just you and him... And the awful taste of the syrup that the boy managed to make you swallow you didn’t know when.

- Ni-ki!- you complained. 

But he just laughted again, and putting away the bottle, he gave you a proper kiss.

- Better now?- he asked after it.

- Much better.

And for the first time of the day, your face wasn’t red because of the fever.

You laid on the bed, and Ni-ki covered you with a blanket. 

- Could you... cuddle with me a little?- you asked shyly. 

The boy tried to hide his smile, but you were just too cute to his eyes, so he failed. 

- Everything for my little princess.

And the moment you felt his arms arround you, you could said you were the happiest person. 

- I’m sorry for ruining the day- you whispered. 

- Don’t say that- he replied with a soft smile- What makes you think that a little bit of fever it’s going to stop us from celebrating your birthday?

And then, he tooked out of his pocket a small box, with the prettiest necklace you had ever seen.

- Happy birthday, T/N. Thanks for letting me spend this wonderful day with you.

                               ♡  𝒯𝐻𝐸 𝐸𝒩𝒟 ♡

[finelinevogue]

Thanks can you write something about one of the kids getting hate online from jealous people and how it affects them and what Harry and Y/N do

hello!! so this one is going to be about isabelle getting hate (😔), which you will find out why. i’m also changing the age gaps between them because it’s so hard to write with larger age gaps. so here isabelle is 16, felix is 19 and oli is 21!!

“Mum!”

You had been busy ironing the clothes downstairs, whilst watching ‘Call the Midwife’ on the TV, when you heard Felix shouting you from upstairs.

“What?” You shouted back, moving from the lounge to the bottom of the stairs to hear better.

“I think you should see this.”

When your children say things like this you either roll your eyes when you find out they wanted to show you a meme, or panic because some rumour has been spread all over the internet of them.

“Just hang on a minute!” Your attention diverted to the front door being opened harshly. Everyone else was already home but Belle, so it must’ve been her. It was a Wednesday today and Belle always had study group in the library after-school on a Wednesday, although today she was back a little earlier than normal.

You moved the latch off the porch door and opened it to welcome Belle home, watching as she threw off her high-top converse aggressively.

“Hiya love, you alr—” You didn’t get to finish before you saw that her eyes were red and puffy, tears streaming down her face like a cascading waterfall. Her mascara was smudged and made it look like she hadn’t slept for weeks. “Woah, hey, Belle?”

Belle didn’t listen to you though, instead she stormed past and ran up the stairs and a minute later you heard her bedroom door slam shut.

What the fuck was that about?

“Minute too late mum!” Felix shouted again, making you roll your eyes in annoyance. However, it did confirm that something had happened to Belle on social media or over the internet and you had to get Harry on top of this now.

You walked down the stairs, into your basement - which Harry had converted into a sound-proof studio - and saw him sat with a guitar on his lap and pencil between his teeth, playing around with chords on repeat.

“Babe?” You knocked on the door as you spoke, Harry looking up from where he was sat to you and smiling as bright as ever.

“You alright love?” He asked sweetly, taking the pencil out of his mouth first.

“I am yeah, but Belle’s just come home crying and shut herself in her room.” You furrowed your eyebrows, trying to work through everything that had happened and wondering whether you’d done something or not done something.

Harry instantly got to his feet, putting everything down so that he could come over to you. He placed his warm hands on your cheeks and kissed your lips once just because, “I know what you’re thinking, so stop it. Something’s probably happened at school. Let me go talk to her, okay?” You nodded in agreement and sighed in thanks.

Belle had always been more of a daddy’s girl than a mommy’s girl, and that was okay. It just meant that she was more open to her feelings and her heart with her dad than you, not to say she never talked to you about things like that. Harry always filled you in on things, though, and would prompt you to talk to her if he thought extremely necessary. Belle liked to work things out by herself normally, not liking to be a burden to anyone - a lot like you actually.

Harry walked out of the room and climbed the stairs two at a time until he made it outside Belle’s room. He knocked before entering, but Belle made no sound for him to enter.

“Belles?” Harry asked softly, shutting the door and walking over to her bed which she was curled up on. She had obviously flopped on the bed and began crying, because there was no sign of effort to get under the covers or get comfortable.

“D-dad?” She mumbled roughly, her choked sobs holding her back.

“Yes sweetheart, i’m here.” Harry sat down on the edge of her bed and sat their patiently. He didn’t want to invade her space or make her feel claustrophobic, so he waited for her to come to him and that didn’t take long. She sprang up and hugged him with her head buried against her dad’s chest, sobbing so violently that Harry’s heart cracked in two. He hated to see his baby cry. It was his biggest weakness.

Belle made an attempt to speak but Harry couldn’t understand due to the shear heaviness of her cries.

“Belles, y’gotta calm down for me, my heart. Gotta breathe it out before you make yourself sick.” He smoothed his hand over the back of her hair, like he’d always done. Her breathing ever-so-slowly coming back down to a normal and healthy pace. “That’s it, thank you.” He kissed the top of her head and held her tightly still.

“Dad?” She shakily started.

“Yes love.”

“Do y-you know?” She sat up so she could face her dad, bur Harry didn’t let his hands leave hers.

“Know what, sweetheart?”

Harry genuinely didn’t know and Belle could see that in his honest, kind, eyes.

“T-that…” Belle started tearing up again, her bottom lip wobbling like sailors legs.

“Hey, calm down. You’re okay. Breathe and then talk to me, okay?” Harry ordered her, not caring if this took all night. He was here for his baby girl whenever and wherever, no exceptions. If she didn’t ever tell him, that was okay as long as he helped her build up her happiness again. A few deep breaths later and she was feeling more comfortable.

“I..,” she paused momentarily to collect her words before letting them flow out beautifully, “i’m gay dad.”

Warmth spread through Harry’s heart as if he were torch that’d just been set alight. He could only put the way he felt into one word; proud. He was so proud that his daughter was turning into the loving and open and beautiful woman she was always born to be. He was also just so happy that she had the confidence in him to tell him something so important to her.

“I’m so proud of you, Belle.”

“Really?” She sounded surprised, which made Harry take a step back in confusion.

“Yes of course,” Harry squeezed her hand just a little tighter, “have I ever given you a reason to think otherwise?”

“No.”

“Then where’s this doubt coming from hey?”

Belle began to cry again at his question.

“T-the media found out and i-it’s been published everywhere a-and I w-was worried I wouldn’t b-be able to tell you myself b-before they could. They’re being s-so rude too.” Her cries broke Harry all over again. As much as he was proud of her for coming out so bravely, he was incredibly pissed off that the media thought it was there business to pass around before Belle was even comfortable admitting it first. It’s Belle’s right to come out when she wants and how she wants and Harry could understand how frustrating and upsetting that must be to have it all taken away. He had to keep calm for Belle though, pulling her back into his chest to hold her safely.

“What are they saying?”

Anger bubbled through Harry’s veins as she began to speak.

“That i’m only gay to promote the values you stand for or that you’ll be disappointed that not all your children are straight.”

Harry’s fingers curled at her words, not understanding how much of a low-life you have to be to genuinely type and publish these things about a child, let alone his child. He was furious and he was going to burn - metaphorically - the people responsible for this abuse.

“How did they find out?”

Instead of her saying anything she pulled up a picture of the article online - released by ‘The Sun’ unsurprisingly as they were the worst for paparazzi stalking - and it all started to piece together.

The article headlined a picture of Belle and another girl, kissing outside of school. The study group mustn’t have been exclusively studying. Harry didn’t focus on the shitty article, he instead focused on how the smile on Belle’s face was the widest he’d ever seen.

“You look very happy.” Harry tried to make light of the situation for his daughter.

“I am. They make me very happy.” Belle blushed and Harry caught on.

“And they’re called?”

“Megan.”

“Megan,” Harry repeated the name, getting a feel for the way it sounded for future use, “well they seem lovely.”

“Dad you’ve only seen them through a picture of us kissing.” Belle rolled her eyes and Harry reached out to dab the tears away, not minding that his sleeve was becoming heavily damp.

“Shut up you,” he laughed causing a smile to leap onto Belles face too, “do we get to meet them?”

“Hopefully,” Belle smiles, before looking down to her lap with furrowed brows, “that is, if they still like me after this whole media shambles.” Belle let out a breathe of shaky air and Harry caught her anxiety before she could let herself run off with it.

“Let me take care of that, don’t worry yourself over it, okay?” Belle nodded.

“Do I have to make like a statement or anything?”

“You do whatever you want to, Belles, and i’ll love you no matter what.”

And with that Harry left the room, a smile on his face for feeling like the proudest most happiest parent on the planet. It only lasted a few minutes though, because now it was time to make some phone calls and sue a few people.

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Tuesday 10 September 1833

5 ½

10 10

rather hazy morning but fair – F60° at 5 ½ am Breakfast at 6 ¾ - good bread - good beds and pretty comfortable in spite of the bad supper last night and no beer to be had - off from the Gasthaus d’oldenburg at Rotensburg [Rothenburg] at 7 55 - a good deal of heather just out of the town for a good way - then a nice little village in orchards and gardens and more cultivation again – good deal of buckwheat cut (lying in sheaf) and to cut – pasture, and cattle and a few horses – good deal of hay (grass) just cut – men ploughing – 2 or 3 bridges over waters – low flat, and several drains, but not so many as yesterday – some whitish sandy land as everywhere – no chausses here 10 years ago when Miss F- passed this way – all the pavés done since the peace – must have been terrible going in the deep sand before – at 9 25 stop at a barrier 2 or 3 minutes to give the horses bread – the woman very small cottage coarse straw bonnets rather turned up at the edge and 1 ribboned plain round the top and hanging down in 2 or 4 long ends behind instead of 3 or 4 breadths of ribboned covering almost the whole front of the bonnet – pretty well wooded today – Scotch firs, beech, and oak – birch-hedges on bankments here and there – sheep – woods in the distance all round – heather (landes) again, and waters – Scotch fir, alder, birch, or poplar hedges generally on each side the road – wooden bridges and waters every now and then – long straight road with (as frequent from Hanover here) whitewashed bur stones on each side – an amphitheatre of wooded hill ahead about 10, or a little after – Tasfädt a very small nice village, and good posthouse (Gasthaus, I think, and, if some could have slept there very well) – plain country – good deal of Landes – hill and a few woods along it in the distance – stop 10 minutes at single house at 1 5 to give the horses bread – pass by a gentle ascent over the hills nicely  clothed with oak, beech and fir woods – Read all the way from Hanover paved with and covered with broken granite boulders – the pavé sometimes roughish when not covered with small broken stone – better from Hanover by Bremen then the shorter way to Hamburg – at 1 50 lookdown (right) upon large flat wooded country in the distance – at 2 1st view of the Elbe and extensive flat ahead, and the 5 spires of Hamburg just seen thro’ the dark clouds – it must be raining there heavily would be a fine view if clearer; and still we have a fine day just where we are – tho’ 2 or 3 light showers some time ago – very good road the last stage, tho’ sandy as ever at the sides where not covered with granite boulders finely broken – agreeably undulating country as we descend to Haarburg – river not seen after the 1st peep till 2 10, and then looks narrow – row of young poplars on each side the road – at 2 22 gave up our Schein at the Haarburg barrier – Goodish, old, brick and wood-built, gabel-ended town – at 2 ½ at the Stadt Lüneburg (nearest to the river and Dampschieff) – sent the servants into the house as it rained all the time we were there, and ourselves sat in the carriage – obliged to exchange a Frederick for 18 guten groschen to pay for putting the carriage on board – got 126gr. (in 7, 23 marien gr. pieces worth 18g.gr. each) + 5 Hamburg schillings worth about 3 guter gr. .:. got for my Frederick 5th. 9g.gr. instead of 5.12.0 that even the bank gave me at Hanover – In Hamburg money 1 piece of 18g.g. = 1 mark 15 schellings and 1 mark = 16 schellings and one a shilling = 1 penny English – off at 3 33 from the Stadt Lüneburg, and (with 2 horses) on board (in the carriage) at 3 49 – fine river 2 or 300 yards broad – but have to go up the river a good way – the great boat bridge the French constructed here is destroyed – under weigh at 4 – one other carriage (a calêches) on board – we close to the chimney and much incommoded by steam on setting off and arriving – on forward view spoilt by the calêche in which 4 Germans papa and mamma and their daughter and her betrothed – the 2 young people a good specimen of German sentiment – looking most sweet on each other  and absolutely kissing at intervals, she in the carriage with mamma and he standing on the step – the river soon broader and its green islands very fine – pass under Altona stretching along a finely wooded height joining or seeming to join to Hamburg – passed under a long line of quay lined with brick and wood-built gabel ended houses and warehouses – arrived at 4 55 – waited till all were landed, and then dragged out over a vessel acting a bridge (as we were put on board) up the steepish ascent to a sort of small custom house or barrier (where no notice was taken of us) by 12 men and landed at 5 ¼ just at the foot of the old rampart – a pair of horses ready – stopt 1st (long drive thro’ the large busy town) at the King of Prussia, where Lord Pollington was – not on the Jungersteig, tho’ near to it, - but in a narrow street – so drove off without stopping to the hotel St. Petersburg – full - to the Stadt London Hamburg where Miss F- had been before - alighted there at 5 ¾ - all full but one back double bedded room between the still room and room where the family slept – so could not sortir at all, and in the midst of noise – comte Lucknow (a Holsteiner followed Miss Harriet Wym to London last May and will follow her to Paris next winter ) in the still room making all the people laugh aloud by his fun -  dinner at 6 ½ to 8 - then must go to the place for could not use the pot before Miss F- went thro’ all the people the garcon shewing the way and opening the very door for me – fine day till about 12 – then a light shower or 2 between that and one – rain all the while at Haarburg tho’ fair during the time of embarking – then rain all the while we were on board, but fair when we landed and till arriving at the Inn, and afterwards – F63 ½° now at 10 5 p.m. -

[just-some-moss-and-bones]

tw: rant, sleep disorder, mention of self harm, swearing, all caps.

you know when you randomly wake up at 3 am because of some random sleep disorder you probably have. and you just know your not going to get any more sleep after that .

like wtf am I supposed to do. just not be asleep until 5 but then , uh oh it's now too late to sleep might as well get up.

it's not even like this is a normal thing for me. it used to be the other way around, like I wouldn't sleep until 5 in the morning then sleep past midday.

but for the last 2 nights I got to sleep fine at about 10:30 /11:00 (that's really early for me)

like at least if I was still not sleeping at the right time it was at least for long enough but now I don't even know what to do

add my probable ADHD the mix and I can't even 'just rest' like my mum tells me to do cause I have to do something otherwise it's just painfully boring. and that usually means I'm on my phone seeing as my stupid fucking brain can't think of anything else to fucking do!.

like logically I know what I have to do like not on my phone and make sure I have a nice comfortable bed or space to be. if I need to do something get up and do it not in my bed. but brains not working properly so that doesn't happen.

having my mum in my room used to help but now it doesn't cause I get anxiety over the fact that I'm keeping her awake and then I just end up crying for hours👍.

I can't take sleep pills or something like that because I'm scared that it will somehow affect my brain to make it even worse than it already is (stupid ik but that's my brain for you).

I can't get up and sleep in a different place that, doesn't make a difference (I've tried many times)

I usually just resort to watching YouTube or violently crying so I don't end up throwing things or hurting myself.

plus the fact that it's genuinely affecting my normal life so much. I haven't been in a full day of school for literally weeks. I've missed all my mock exams and I'll probably miss all the catch-up ones as well. literally the only time I'm going in is for drama lessons because if I'm not in I'm effecting 3 other people in the group.

I think school is part of the reason I can't sleep because it just causes me so much dread to even think about being in school even though when I do go In it's not even that bad.

I get anxious in the evening about school the next day and about trying to get to sleep and failing for hours, then when I'm trying to sleep I work myself up with worry about school and how that will effect my wider life after I leave school. then I cry for a few hours, watch YouTube and maybe occasionally sleep.

at least that was the routine. bur now it's completely switched itself around and I'm sleeping from 10pm till 3am and then I just end up sleeping through the day .(I slept from 9am till 3pm today👍)

I'm failing every subject but art and history (and mayby drama) but the schools not going to know that because I'm not in for any of the fucking tests.

I don't even know what I can do to even try to start making a difference

I'm full of anger at the world. full of rage at myself for not being able to just be a normal functioning human being. I feel like I need to just shout or punch something but I don't want to hurt myself so o don't know what to do. if it's not either of those im just full of unmoving cripleing despair. is this what depression is like idek it just feel so hopeless and doing anything just feels pointless

it feels like a east of time to go to sleep just to have to wake up the next day and then go to sleep again at night .

my brain just tells me to do one or the other and then I end up doing both in a really fucked up time scale.

at least when I had that routine I knew what was happening and I could prepare (that's probably the autism).

and now it's gone half 4 in the morning and I'm still not even FUCKING TIRED just exhausted.

there's probably more I could write but I can't be bothered rn. I might talk to my counselor about this and I'll update if I get anything helpful but in the meantime bye.

(sorry this wasn't supposed to be that long. if you have read all the way to here have you got any advice? (don't worry if not))

I genuinely don't know what to do.

can anyone help? please?

[lostnfinding]

just breathe

idk if i already posted this, but i cant find it so im doing it again.

originally posted to my ao3

tw: hospital, sickness, references to the shit H*nry did to Bessie

word count: 2654

-------------------------------------------------------

The last thing Bessie expected was the sharp but familiar pain on her chest. She hadn’t felt it on almost 500 years but there was no way she could forget it. The shortness of breath, the urge to cough and the weight on her lungs were too strong and all she knew was that she needed to find Catalina. She felt tears on her cheeks and rushed to find the first queen, sharp breaths leaving her body, still feeling like she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. She got to Aragon’s dressing room, opening the door to be met by her eyes looking at her through her reflection on the mirror.

“What happened, cariño?” she asked, seeing her panicked look and red, puffy eyes.

“It hurts, Lina… I can’t- I can’t breathe.” She managed to choke out and Catalina opened her arms, welcoming the smaller girl, who buried her head on her neck.

“It’s okay, querida, you’re okay. I’ve got you.” The woman said, stroking her hair. “How about we skip the show today and go home?” she asked.

“Hmhm” Bessie hummed in agreement, her voice weak and whimpering.

“Okay, let’s get out of these costumes and get out of here.” Aragon said and helped her with getting ready, after telling the others that they were going home and got an alternate for each. When they got in the house, Bessie changed and laid on her bed.

“Do you thing it’s it again?” she asked quietly as Catalina tucked her in.

“No, estrellita, no. You took your shot, remember? We all did. You’re okay.” She said and kissed her head. Then she started to cough. A lot. Immediately, the queen scooped her up into her lap, rocking them side to side. “Let it all out, cariño, I’m here.” For minutes, all that was heard on the house was the girl’s loud cough and Aragon’s sweet voice whispering that she was going to be okay while holding her close and caressing her back. Ten minutes passed and Bessie finally stopped coughing.

“Lina” She whimpered, her voice was weaker than before, and now raspy.

“I’m not going anywhere, estrellita, I promise.” Aragon reassured her, kissing her hairline.

“I’m scared. I don’t wanna die.” The girl said and she shook her head.

“I’m not going to let that happen, cariño, you’re going to stay with me.” Catalina sounded so sure, but inside she was terrified. What if Bessie’s body was giving up and dying, the same way it did centuries ago? No, she couldn’t think about that, not right now. So she hugged her closer, letting the girl curl up on her lap, her small and sweaty body shaking with fear and weakness as she nuzzled her chest. “Do you think you can try to get some sleep? It might make you feel better.”

“But what if I stop breathing?” Bessie asked her, her voice filled with worry.

“You won’t. But I’ll be right here.” Catalina told her. “Do you want me to sing your lullaby?” when they came back to life, Bessie had constant nightmares and the woman had discovered that the Spanish version of Twinkle, twinkle little star calmed her down and put her back to sleep. That’s where the nickname came from.

“Please…” she said and Aragon smiled softly.

“Estrellita, ¿dónde estás?/Me pregunto quién serás/En el cielo o en el mar/Un diamante de verdad/Estrellita, ¿dónde estás?/Me pregunto quién serás/Cuando el Sol se ha ido ya/Cuando nada brilla más/Tú nos muestras tu brillar/Brillas, brillas sin parar/Estrellita, ¿dónde estás?/Me pregunto quién serás” After she finished the song, Bessie was already asleep, her breathing still shaken and weak, but calmer. She couldn’t bring herself to leave the room, or put her back down on the bed, resorting to just let her sleep on her lap, leaning on the pillows. She mumbled a few other lullabies, hoping they would calm her down and make her body go back to normal. She couldn’t lose her, she wouldn’t bare it. She couldn’t protect her on their last lives, but she wouldn’t let anything happen to her again.

A few hours passed and they stayed like that. Aragon didn’t dare to fall asleep, too scared of what would happen if she did, so she waited for the others to get home so someone could watch her. When they got there, Anne and Maggie perused her into going to eat something, changing places with Maggie, who stayed on their shared room, paying close attention to her. Still, after a few minutes, Catalina came back to the room, the unsettling feeling still with her. Something was wrong with her little girl and she didn’t know what it was, but she was going to do what she could to find out.

She slept in Bessie’s room, while Maggie went to hers. Well, she spent the night in Bessie’s room. She barely got one hour of sleep, too scared that if anything happened she wouldn’t notice if she wasn’t awake. And there she was, watching her sleep, the sharp breaths cutting her heart like shards of glasses, but it was better that the agonizing seconds when she didn’t breathe. Catalina was waiting for her to wake up, so they could go to the Emergency Room that had all of their charts, so the doctors had a bit more of insight. The thing is, waking up a tired and sick teenager isn’t an easy task, and she didn’t want to disturb her, so she waited. She waited until 7am, when Bessie’s 8th coughing fit woke her up, causing the panicked girl to come to her senses, struggling even more to breathe with the sudden way of being woken.

“It’s okay, estrellita, you’re okay.” She repeated the fraise over and over again, until Blount stopped coughing. “There we go. You’re doing great, querida.”

“It hurts, Lina.” She was crying, maybe from all the coughing, maybe from pain, or maybe even from fear, most likely all three. “Make it stop, please.” She sounded desperate.

“Do you think you can get ready? I’m taking you to the doctor’s, is that okay?” Catalina told her and watched as she nodded, before helping her get up. “Do you need any help?”

“I think I can do it…” the girl said and Aragon gave her a small smile.

“I’ll be just in my room.” She told her before going down the hallway and getting in her room, sitting on the bed.

“How is she?” Anne sat beside her, getting her hand.

“I don’t- I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on. She’s scared and in pain and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just- I can’t lose her, Anne, I can’t.” she broke down, letting Boleyn hold her as she cried.

“She’s strong, and medicine today is so much better, she’s going to be okay.” She kissed her head, stroking the back of her hand. “I heard you’re taking her to the hospital. Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t know how long we’ll be there. I don’t think we’re going to do the show.” Aragon said and Anne nodded.

“Of course not. I’ll call and see who can go in for you.” She smiled.

“Thank you, Anne.”

“Anything you need, babe.” She said before, her hand a squeeze and kissing her cheek before going out of the room. Catalina changed quickly, getting a few things before going back to Bessie’s room, seeing her sat down on her bed.

“Hey. Do you think you can eat anything?” she asked the girl, who shook her head as a negative, staring into nothing. She got into the room, taking the backpack she was holding. “Can I take it?”

“What? Oh, yeah. Thank you.” The teen said quietly and got up, stumbling a bit.

“Careful, mi amor. Let me help you.” Aragon guided her down stairs and into the car, putting her backpack on the back seat.

“Wait, Lina? Can you get Sky on my bag?” Bessie asked quietly and Catalina gave her the stuffed elephant and went to the driver’s seat.

They got to the hospital in a few minutes, going to the children’s E.R., passing in triage relatively fast. Bessie was rushed to see a doctor, who, as soon as she saw her, did a quick exam and took her to one of the side rooms, where she ordered a bag of saline and IV nutrition, and an oxygen tank. The girl looked a bit confused with what was going on, but let a nurse put the IV line and oxygen cannula in her without any protest. Catalina sat on the chair beside her, stoking her hair.

“Are you feeling better, estrellita?” she asked her after half an hour.

“I feel like I can breathe better, but it still hurts. A lot.” Bessie answered, and as if in cue, she started coughing profusely, quietly crying out in pain as she sat up.

“Shh, it’s okay, cariño. Get it all out, I’m here.” Aragon said, rubbing her back. With each cough, her heart got tighter, and she felt like she was going to break down. It was all too familiar, the symptoms lined up and she looked so weak. Bessie’s already small and pale body looked even more fragile, the tips of her fingers and her lips were turning a purple-ish blue and the monitors that were attached to her didn’t show numbers the queen liked. When she stopped coughing, the girl whimpered in pain and curled up on herself, holding on to her stuffed animal for dear life, and she stayed like that, not moving, the wires attached to her tangling on each other, until the doctor came in.

“How are we now?” she asked with a small smile, taking the stethoscope from its place on her pocket and putting it on her ears. “Can you sit up for me, sweetheart?” she asked and Bessie slowly got up.

“She’s been having a few coughing fits every while, says she still feels a lot of pain.” Catalina told her, and she nodded.

“Take a deep breath, please.” She asked and Bessie tried, but started coughing midway through it. “Can you do it again?” that repeated a few more times. “You can lay back down if you want to.” The girl nodded and went back to her previous position, burring her head on the pillow. “Alright. Elizabeth’s situation is a bit… unconventional, to say the least, but I talked to a few doctors who had seen a ten of you before and we concluded that she most likely has a lot of scar tissue on her lungs, which makes it harder to breathe.”

“So she has scars, but inside of her?” Catalina asked, trying to see if she was understanding.

“Yes, we think she does, we still have to do a CT scan to confirm, but is probable. But the problem with this type of scar is that it obstructs the passage of air, making it harder for her to breathe.” The doctor told her and she nodded.

“But why didn’t it show up later?” Aragon looked at the small girl on the bed, her heart filled with worry.

“Well, we still need to do a few tests to see, but I think it can be because it’s progressing. Has she had other lung problems these recent years?”

“She had a few cases of bronchitis on the first couple of years we were back.” She remembered the nights she spent awake, too scared to leave the girl’s side, fearing she might stop breathing at any second; nights just like the previous.

“Alright. We’ll see how the scans and exams come out and then see how we’ll treat it.” The doctor said and left the room.

“I’m gonna die, aren’t I?” Bessie’s weak voice was filled with emotion, though it seemed like she was trying to hide it. “I don’t wanna die. I got a second chance, I just wanna be normal.” She whispered and Catalina caressed her head.

“You’re not going to die, mi amor. I promise.” She said. “And I’ll be with you, whatever happens.”

“If I die…” Bessie started, but Aragon opened her mouth to speak. “Please listen, Lina. If I die, I have a hard drive on my wardrobe. It has a few songs I wrote, I want you to listen to it. I saved a few videos too. If anything happens, I want you to keep it.” She looked up at her and Catalina kissed her forehead.

“Alright, I’ll do that.” She said and hugged the girl. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you before, but I’m going to do everything I can now, I promise, estrellita. I love you so much, Bessie, my little girl.” She buried her head further on her chest.

“Mamá?” she tried and Catalina nodded.

“I’m here, cariño, I’m here.” She reassured her.

“I love you too. You couldn’t do anything back then, I don’t blame you.” Bessie said, and curled up further into Aragon’s chest, crying out in pain once more.

“Shh, don’t try to speak, save your breath.” She said and started mumbling to their lullaby.

They spent a while like that, until a nurse came to take the girl to CT, leaving the queen alone with her thoughts. Not being able to do anything, she texted the others, giving a small summary of what was going on. She felt so lost, not knowing what was going on or how she could help was crushing her. The minutes felt like hours and she was doing her best not to cry. Finally, Bessie came back with the nurse and scans, followed by the doctor.

“So, I saw Elizabeth’s scans, and she does have severe scaring on her lungs, and she has something called hypoxemic lung failure.” She turned to the girl. “From what you’ve told me, you’ve probably had it for a while. Basically what it means is that the scaring on your lungs obstructs the oxygen passing, causing you to feel tired and out of breath.” The doctor told them.

“But why didn’t it show symptoms before? Why did it show up so suddenly? Wouldn’t it be slow?” Aragon asked her.

“Well, that’s a good question. Have you been feeling more anxious, tired or confused? Maybe restlessness, sweating easier?” she looked at the girl.

“I- maybe? I don’t know… I thought it was just fatigue or stress, but now that you said it I’m not sure…” she answered quietly.

“Bessie! What was the agreement we made in order for you to do the show?” Catalina didn’t sound mad, she sounded worried but still firm.

“I’m sorry. I love doing it so much, and it’s going to open so many doors, I’ve already got universities that want me…” the teen started but Lina gave her a small smile and shook her head.

“I’m not mad, mija, I’m worried. But we’ll talk later, okay?” Bessie nodded and they turned back to the doctor.

“I’d like to admit you, mainly for precaution, at least a few days before we settle with your treatments.” She said.

“Alright.” Catalina’s voice was shaky, scared, but she knew it was the right thing to do. “We’ll get someone to drop off our things.” She nodded and looked at Elizabeth, caressing her forehead.

“I’ll send a nurse to take you to the room and get paperwork sorted out.” The doctor smiled and left the room, leaving the two alone.

“I’m sorry, Mamá. I didn’t know it was bad. I didn’t want to disappoint you.” Bessie curled up more to Aragon’s side, who hugged her.

“You could never do that, mija. I’m so proud of you, no matter what. What other teenager juggles school, college applications and four shows a week while getting used to the modern world and having to relearn so much?” she looked her in the eyes. “You’re going to be okay, Bessie.”

[lilvikingspeach]

Hvitserk x Floki's daughter reader //Part 3

Spoilers ahead!!

Part 1 Part 2

Y/n looked at the sleeping man on her lap. The naked sleeping man. He looked so peaceful now. The grime off of his skin, the hair free of all the gunk, he looked healthier. There of course was still the same paleness and dulness to his skin, but he looked cared for.

Y/n was about to rise, when Hvitserk let out a hiss. "I will take care of you, my Hvitserk. Sleep, son of Ragnar", she whispers gently and strokes his hair. The man on her seems to be content with her words and touch as he relaxes again.

Gently Y/n lies the man down onto the floor. And on her tippy toes she collects the furs and piles them around and on top of Hvitserk. He didn't look like he had slept for days, and if he was content sleeping now, she would not be the one to awaken him.

--- - -----------------

When the morning came, it was all too soon. Hvitserk was up on his legs rummaging Y/n cabin for mead. Y/n had been quicker though. All her flasks were empty or filled with water.

"NO!!", Y/n bolted to her feet as she saw Hvitserk going for her healing jars. She had not meant to be so aggressive in her movement, but awakening to the man holding something that could be used as a filler for the mushrooms, scared her.

Hvitserk dropped everything he was holding and dropped to the floor. "I'm sorry", he whimpered. Y/n was quick to collect herself and fell to her knees in front of him.

"No, no. Forgive me for being so sudden with my movements, I had not meant to scare you"she says gently stroking his shin which was now covered by clean pair of pants. Y/n had prepared him a set of clean clothes to use while his clothes were washed and dry.

"I-I need it", he whispers shaking. All the voices were louder now. Not as loud as usually, but they woke him up nontheless. He needed a quiet place, even just for a moment.

Y/n sighs and helps him rise from the floor. She was afraid of what he would do when left alone, but she also knew she could not babysit him forever. "Do not forsake your healing for a moment of quiet"she whispers and prays in her head for the gods to ease his burden.

Oh please answer, to us gods, we need you more than ever.

"I need to go to the market today, do you want to come with?"she asks.

"I-I'll come", he whisper. But then his chin quivers. "No one has cared for me like this in such a long time"he sobs, "I need to th-thank you,I'll try-to get better- for you."

Y/n's eyes fill with tears. "Do not thank me for caring for someone I hold dear, for your thank you's are not needed. We are in this journey together, and we are only at the first steps" she grins, "now let's go to the market and I'll bake for us, I'll make something that makes you forget everything but food."

Hvitserk lets out a teary giggle. But the giggle feels like it lasts an eternity for both of them. The beautiful sound after the shackles of pain.

Y/n knew it would not last, there are the highs and the lows, but at the beginning as they were, Hvitserk was still very much on edge and very much sick. If only one night could heal him, it would be too good to be true. They had to be patient.

Hvitserk puts his hands on Y/n's shoulders and looks down at her. Shakily he pulls her to him. A warm hug, a safe embrace. Y/n smiles to herself, she wouldn't abandon this man even if it took her whole life to get rid of his ghosts.

------------------------

Y/n held Hvitserk firmly on her arm as they walked along the market. Many people came to greet her after they had not seen the healer in such a long time, and it was best to keep the Ragnarsson in some sort of restraint before he got out of reach and found a way back to his "friends".

Hvitserk was paler than before, he was shaking and jumping to the smallest noises. He looked at the growd and sure enough he saw Ivar crawling to get to his legs.

He lets out a loud yell, and rips his arm off of Y/n's and runs off. His steps are shaky and he is clumsy, but in the growd he has easier time than Y/n. Y/n was shorter and generally smaller which made it harder for her to push through the crowd.

"Hvitserk!! No, Hvitserk, we are safe!!", she tries to yell, but soon enough, he has tracked his way out of the crowd and in to the docks and allies that made Y/n shutter.

Y/n bites her lip while tears come to her eyes. She cannot follow him there, she cannot, or she won't be able to breathe. The thought of the dark ally and her being vulnerable makes her hands shake so hard that her basket falls from her hands. She would have to wait till he went to the homeless.

"Y/n!" It was Amma. Amma who yelled for her. "Ubbe wishes to see you...and Hvitserk", she says out of breath.

"I just lost him", Y/n whispers tears falling down her face. "And I know where he is going", she sobs. Amma looks heartbroken as well, as she tries to stroke the woman's back.

"But I need to talk to Ubbe" Y/n says finally. Ubbe was Hvitserk's brother after all. And no matter how everything turned out, Hvitserk loved him the most out of all the brothers. If Y/n could talk to Ubbe, he could be Hvitserk's saviour.

-- ----------------

Everything felt awkward as she stepped in front of Ubbe and Torvi. The man before her was as handsome as he was before, the woman next to him was one of the closest friends to the woman who killed his mother. And more importantly, Y/n once would've killed to be in her place.

No, not as the queen, but carrying the child of Ubbe. For a moment when she looked at the man before her, her heart gave the same flips it used to.

"Y/n!"Ubbe says and rises from his throne. He was smiling which surpised her. Their last few encounters had been more than filled with tension.

"He is gone", Y/n whispers and stares at the sea broken heartedly. Her father was gone, her papa. Her everything. "Why do you abandon me so" she sobs.

"He was afraid", Y/n jumps at the voice. Ubbe. The last person she needed now. "You are too precious to him"

"Doesn't your wife need you during the wee hours, my prince", she bites out her chin trembling. Oh fuck her heart, for betraying her.

"She indeed does, but you need me more than she does" he says while laying an arm around the crying woman.

Y/n jumps as if burned. Then she looks at Ubbe with a teary sneer. "Should've thought of that before you married her then"

Now the smile on his face was genuine. "King Ubbe", she grins softly and opens her arms. Ubbe does not disappoint. His arms were always warm, and for her, they used to be always open. No matter what had occurred between them, she could not bring herself to hate him.

"Never a king to you, my little shipwright", Ubbe whispers while holding her close. Y/n fists the leather straps on his armour. "He is not alright", she says shakily. "I don't want him to drown", she cries quietly.

"He is not your responsibility", he says back with a long sigh. Y/n snaps back from the hug.

"Then who is going to care for the man who bleeds from the inside? Ubbe, he needs you, he needs you more than ever", her voice is so desperate, it breaks the man's heart. And what truly breaks him, is that his brother is out there, alone and scared, and he doesn't know how to help.

He loved Hvitserk. No matter what he had done, he loved him and would always love him. But he didn't know how to help a man who was emitting his own poison. It scared Ubbe more than anything in the world.

"How can I help him", Ubbe asks still just as quiet. The people in the hall had started to whisper, and Torvi was looking more than displeased. She wanted to cut in, but seeing the looks between the pair, she knew Ubbe would not tolerate it.

"By loving him", the short and simple answer makes everything drown around Ubbe. And he grasps the woman before him against him once again.

He never wanted his brother to forget that he loved him.

Tags:

@blonddnamedhandz @gearhead66 @heavenly1927 @alicedopey @lisinfleur @crazyxreader

[laurelleghuleh]

OCAF | Ch. 6 “Homecoming”

Warnings: read the masterlist first and check Ruth’s chart.

Songs: "Hello My Old Heart" by The Oh Hellos, "Broken Bones" by KALEO, "Streets" by Doja Cat.

LEVI'S POV

I couldn't figure out where I was.

I was surrounded by the green hills and a boundless land loomed all around me. Nevertheless, I kept walking in the meadow, without a precise goal. I thought it was a farm. There was a light breeze caressing my skin and the sun was high in the sky.

All of a sudden, I heard a voice. "Levi, my sweet Levi"

"Mom?... Mom... Is that you?"

When I saw her, she was already running towards me with her arms outstretched and her hair swaying in the air. I hugged her tightly, lifting her from the ground and I felt my body naturally responding to hers like I remembered every inch of her.

"Mom..." I whispered burring my face in her hair, placing my chin on her shoulder. For a moment a sweet feeling of peace made me feel light. I felt at home.

"My sweet little angel," she said. I believed I'd forgotten that sound, lost somewhere in my mind... But no, deep down inside of me, I knew it was her.

"Mom..." I inhaled her scent as we stayed like that, embraced. After a while she moved away a little and, staring intensely at me, she started caressing my face and hair.

Her glassy eyes looked all over my face, observing my features, my contours.

Her lips twitched as she tried to say something. I rested my head on her hands and took a breath of relief. I felt so in peace there, in her hands.

Watching her carefully, she was actually different from my memories. Her face was full, her hair strengthened, her expression quiet. She seemed in good health.

"I see you are in shape. I know you're a soldier now" she said "Look at you, all grown up, Levi..."

"Mom..." I kept babbling.

"We don't have much time, Levi. I have something to tell you...Listen to me... Don't be afraid"

"Mom, what are you talking about? I'm not afraid"

"Oh, Levi... Yes, you are... Let yourself go, fearlessly..."

"Mom?"

"Don't be afraid, Levi" As she repeated my name, the sound of her voice changed, altered, and got lower, warmer, younger. Whose voice was that?

"Don't be afraid Levi"

Her face started to blur "Mom, what's happening?" Her features faded away until I couldn't recognize her anymore. Now someone else was in front of me and that's when I saw her "Daphne? Is it you?" I asked. "Don't be afraid, Levi" she said.

A strange sensation flooded all over me. I was still overwhelmed with tranquility, still serene in those hands, even if they were Daphne's. My mother's face seemed to appear again and I was more confused than ever. I shook my head and she disappeared again, suddenly replaced by a blurred image and then definitely by Daphne's features. I attempted to touch her face, trying to stop her from switching. Their voices overlapped "Don't be afraid, Levi"

I finally managed to grab her cheek and her face stopped. Daphne was now in front of me. She was wearing a long, white and plain dress, something like a tunic.

"C'mon Levi, they're waiting for us..." she said taking my hand in hers.

I didn't protest and simply asked "Where are we, Daphne?"

"Stop it with these silly questions and follow me, Levi"

We started running across the lawn, towards what seemed to be a big farmhouse. She repeatedly turned to look at me, smiling and gesturing me to hurry up. Her smile shined brighter than the sun behind her figure. She looked happy and I was at peace.

All of a sudden, the loud noise of the military alarm violently woke me up. What was that dream? As I washed my face in the sink, I tried to rewrite my dreams and rebuild all the pieces of those blurred memories I had.

My mom. Daphne. A farm. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I had never felt so confused and rested at the same time. After all, sleeping was not so bad.

Fuck, I am late.

I went down to the cafeteria where I found Hange and Daphne animatedly chatting.

"Morning sunshine!" shouted Hange at me. Here we go again.

"Good morning, captain" calmly said Daphne, handing me a warm cup of tea and then sliding on the table a small plate with some biscuits. A faint smile appeared on her face and I politely nodded in response.

"Did you sleep well, captain?" she then added. I knew she was referring to our last encounter. If only she knew what happened in my dreams...

"It's true, Levi, you're glowing today!" Hange stooged her.

I gave both of them a dirty look and then, burring my face in the cup, I said "Yes, thank you, I slept well". If you only knew...

While I was drinking my tea, I couldn't stop thinking that maybe what happened the night before could have been the start of something. We could have been friends, or at least not jump at each other's throats at any time. We could have tried. And yet I still couldn't figure out what that dream meant, and between one cookie and another the images buzzed in my head, to the point that I could no longer stay at the table.

As soon as I was done, I tried to leave, but my attention was caught by their conversation. Hange was trying to convince her to participate in another of her goddamned experiments with the titans. Therefore, I spoke. "Daphne serves me today," I said, grabbing her by the shoulder, urging her to stand up with me, "I'm sorry, four-eyes, next time".

"Ooooh c'mon Levi, didn't they teach you the noble art of sharing?" protested Hange.

I didn't even bother to answer her, while Daphne and I were rushing off. She turned to Hange a couple of times as if to apologize, and I pulled her out of the cafeteria by the arm.

"Thanks for the rescue, Captain" she said smiling.

What is it now? First, she calls me Levi, then captain again?

"There's no need to call me Captain when we are alone. You can call me Levi" I extended her an olive branch "But not in front of the other brats. They'd get carried away" I corrected myself.

"Ehm... Ok, thanks... I'll see what I can do about it... So, what do you need me for... Levi?"

"What?" I asked her.

I had lost track of our previous conversation as I contemplated her face asking me: "You said before you needed me today"

"Ehm...Yeah. Sure. That" I pulled myself back together "So... today we'll train with the 3D maneuver gears. Since you're already pretty skilled with that, you'll help me with the brats. And after that, you'll put them away where we usually keep them"

"Oh, great. I'm looking forward to it!" she said enthusiastically.

"I see you're in a good mood today" I told her.

"Actually, I am in a good mood..." she replied, shyly.

The training went smoothly. Except for some of them. Hopeless cases.

Daphne helped me throughout the whole session. She even showed some tricks to the other cadets. I noticed she had a peculiar way to move her blades. She rotated the blade's grip with only one or two fingers, never losing control of it. Fascinating. Rather fascinating.

When I was on my way out, I walked up to Daphne and I said, "Gather all the devices and bring them down. It'll take you a while. When you're done, meet me for lunch"

She nodded, mimicking a military salute. I almost laughed.

In the meantime, I went to do some paperwork for Erwin and after I headed down to the cafeteria. Later, Daphne joined us and we all started to eat.

At one point burst into the room Hange. She threw herself into our table, crying and breathing heavily. Daphne promptly asked her, "Hange, what's going on??"

"Sonny and Bean" she kept babbling, "Sonny and Bean... somebody killed them... somebody killed them..."

We were all shocked by that news. How was it possible? No one could have killed them without the three-dimensional maneuvering devices...

Erwin rapidly commanded everyone to not move from the cafeteria and ordered his team to patrol the castle.

I turned to Daphne, who was trying to comfort Hange, and I asked "Did you see anything odd after putting the devices back?"

She shook her head "No. I recounted them several times to be sure. They were all there. And when I came back upstairs, there was no one around the hallways. They must have taken one of them while I was already here...".

I trusted her.

"All right..." I sighed deeply "Hange, you can go to your room and calm down. Daphne, if you want, go with her. I'll join Erwin in the research...".

We had already combed half the castle and actually a couple of gears were missing, but there wasn't a shred of evidence of what happened.

Soon after I met Hange, alone.

"Weren't you with Daphne?" I asked her. "I was about to ask you the same thing... When I calmed down, she told me she'd come looking for you, to help-"

It took me a second to understand. You fucked up big time, girl.

I don't know how, but my instinct told exactly where I would have found her. I took my device with me and went quickly down to the basement.

Please tell me you didn't. Please tell me it wasn't you, I kept saying in my mind.

Once there, I found a hatch on the ground half opened and, unfortunately, I realized that I was right. You fucked up big time, Dafne. You fucked up.

I still remembered vividly that time when I rescued her down there and after a while, I heard the noise of a device, her device. There you are.

"So, you decided to get yourself killed today" I said, catching her off guard.

She was about to jump off a manhole after she supposedly had broken its sides to make it wider.

"Levi..." she said, backing away from the hole and then standing up "Levi, wait..." she continued. She looked frightened. You better be.

"You know, I must admit I fell for it, lock, stock and barrel. I believed you... I wanted to believe you. And then... And then you decided to make this huge mistake right under my nose..."

"Levi, it's not what it looks like..." she began to say.

"So tell what it looks like, Daphne? Tell me!" I yelled at her, almost growling.

"I did not kill Hange's titans! I swear! I would never do that to her, you have to believe me..." she shouted, close to tears.

"Really? And you think I'll buy it now?"

"Levi, I beg you. I'm telling the truth. I just took advantage of the situation to run away, but it wasn't me! I'm just trying to get back to the Underground... I just want to see my sister again... just for a second...I beg you Levi..." she cried.

Were you really about to leave? Like this?

"While everyone's looking for the responsible, looking for who stole the device and killed the titans, you thought it was a clever choice to run away. To steal a gear to escape down here? Have you lost your mind?" I ranted as I approached her, through the filth of the slums.

"I didn't steal anything! This device is mine!" she yelled at me "I earned it! I didn't steal it from anyone!" she kept shouting.

"This device? The device you earned by putting out to half the Underground? You mean that device?"

I didn't mean it that way, but I was too angry with her to think straight.

She suddenly attacked me, driven by an uncontrollable rage. She got bloodshot eyes and she was grinding her teeth, in a rage. Not making a special effort, I only parried her punches.

Once she noticed I didn't resist, she eyed me, confused by my reaction. Therefore, she stepped backward and fell down the hole, never looking away from me. And I didn't stop her.

I felt again that strong frustration growing inside of me. I don't know what to do. I never know how to act around her. What should I do now?

I sat there for a while, contemplating the underground from the hole. Its pungent smell came up to my nostrils and brought back to me some memories I thought lost.

You don't even understand what you've just done to me, Daphne. I can't sit here and do nothing. I have to go find her. Now. Before she gets in trouble.

Fortunately, I hadn't lost sight of her and following her, I made my way over the roofs of the capital, thanks to the gear.

She went down the street, covering herself with the cape she was already wearing before. I guess she doesn't want to catch anybody's attention.

So as soon as I touched the ground, I walked around to steal a cape and hide my device and uniform. Luckily, I found a small market stall where, after threatening the owner, I got a pretty big one.

At one point I saw her entering a small road on the left, so I hurried to reach her before I lost sight of her. Where is she now?

Around the corner, I felt a knife at my throat. "Where do you think you're going?" That was her.

DAPHNE'S POV

"Where do you think you're going?" I threatened him pointing a knife on his throat.

As usual, Levi remained calm, even if I had definitely caught him off guard.

"I'm coming with you," he said.

"Forget it" I told him and then got back on my track "You're just gonna get in my way, so get the hell out of here."

"Say whatever you want. I'll follow you anyway" he stated.

I turned around and said "Look, Levi, everybody around here knows who I am, so..."

"Then, we will keep a low profile..." he interrupted me, looking at me with a serious expression painted on his face.

"What do you think you're doing, uh? First, you called me a whore and then-"

"I never said that" he interrupted me.

"Tomayto tomahto" I mumbled as I started to walk away, leaving him back.

He followed me, so I turned back again "Stop following me"

"No" he only said. I rolled my eyes and walked away again. "Then hurry the fuck up" I commanded.

He didn't complain much, but after a few steps, he told me "But I'm warning you, as soon as we're done here, I'll bring you back up to the castle and this is not up for discussion".

"Whatever..." I replied.

However, we were already close to the brothel. Therefore, I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up a ladder, from which we would have had a better view of the building. We put ourselves on the last step. It was rather small for both of us to sit straight and he was literally breathing down my neck. But neither of us seemed to mind it.

"See? Over there. That big mansion. My sisters are there" I said.

"Why such a big place? How many of you are there?" he asked.

"Do you mean my sisters? When I was still there, there were eight of us: me, Abigail, Nina, Ruth, Saejin, Tabitha, Eve and Chadia. Chadia was very old and had a few affectionate clients. She died the year before I left. There are Miss Martha and the Master. His minions, about a dozen, the stableman and many other patrons. On the ground floor, there are two betting rooms. I can't tell you how many people usually hang out there, but not a few, especially at night. Looking at it now, I'd say there are even more than I remember..."

He nodded, analyzing the building "Yes, I already see a dozen only through the windows, four at the entrance, two in front of the gate...What were you thinking, uh? Let's ring the bell and say hello to everyone, perhaps?"

I twisted around to confront him. How dare you...

Turning my face, I realized how close we were. Our eyes locked under the hoods and for a moment I forgot what I wanted to say. I swallowed as I couldn't take my eyes off his. I hate the way he makes me feel.

"So?" he asked me, bringing me back down to earth.

"There is a passage..." I coughed " There's a passage I know that's gonna take us to the back of the brothel. If we're lucky, we might not find a lot of surveillance and be able to get upstairs".

He nodded and once back on the road we descended into a small and old aqueduct and finally we arrived right where I wanted. We hid behind a fence covered with weeds to inspect the building.

"Great. It's packed with these pricks. Lucky us" he commented sarcastically.

"Shut up or we'll get caught" I whispered at him.

"Look, I see someone coming outside..." he told me turning my chin in the direction of the building. At the back door appeared two men carrying a body, a dead body, and throwing it to the ground, next to the trash.

I froze up. That's not possible, I thought. Ruth.

They had thrown that body in the trash, as if it were garbage.

I would have recognized her among a thousand. It was Ruth. My poor little Ruth.

Her ebony skin was covered with pustules and various wounds, her little face was swollen. But I knew it was her. Her figure, her clothes, her hairstyle. It was her. Ruth.

For a moment I felt myself fainting. My head was spinning and my heart was pounding, crushing against my ribcage. "Ruth... Ruth..." I babbled.

Then suddenly, blinded by the pain, I shouted her name, crying desperately.

Apparently, someone heard me and those two men turned in our direction. I suddenly felt Levi picking me up and taking me away from the fence.

"No, Ruth... How dare they... How... Ruth..." I kept talking incoherently, screaming and wriggling in Levi's arms.

I couldn't even properly walk, Levi had to carry me away. I was panting and shaking. I couldn't see straight. The images of Ruth's body thrown out of the door repeated in my mind nonstop. I was only able to whisper her name or "Levi, Levi..." as he continued to carry me away from there.

"I'm not sure but I think they are following us now... Please, Daphne, move" he said still holding me tight under his arm.

"I-I can't..." I managed to stutter. I felt like everything around me was spinning and I couldn't regain my composure. Luckily, Levi was supporting me all the way.

"Ok. Now, they are definitely following us and I have bad news for you. They have the 3d maneuver gear too. We can't afford to pick a fight here. We need to change our route and find a quiet place to use our devices without being seen... C'mon Daphne, you can do it" Levi said.

I was still shaking as Levi suddenly turned right. He had practically lifted my whole body from the ground and as soon as we got there, he gently put me back down.

"C'mon I think we made it..." he whispered.

But at some point, a pair of men came out from an alley and we had to rush and change our route again. We ran away from them, hiding between the flock of people and we made it again in another deserted lane.

"Play along, I think I have a plan" announced Levi.

After getting into another street, Levi suddenly pushed me against the wall. He put his forearm over my head, hooding my figure under his coat. I still couldn't stop panting.

"Levi... Levi" I continued babbling.

"Shh, be quiet, they are coming" he whispered getting closer to me.

"Levi... Ruth is dead, t-that was her body... and she-" I stuttered, still shaking.

"I know, but please Daphne, calm down, calm down..." he said placing his forehead on mine "Shh... they are coming" he kept saying.

"Levi... Levi...I-I...Ruth..." I stuttered.

I was trying to pull myself back together, but everything seemed to blur. I couldn't slow down my breath and all I could feel was a deep pain in my chest. I put a hand on my heart and I whispered again "Levi..."

"Please, shh..." he hushed me again.

I felt one of his hands hooking mine on my chest, he looked into my eyes intensely and all of a sudden, his lips found mine.

My heart was pounding so fast in my chest I could only focus on how soft he felt against my mouth. He was gently pressing his lips on mine, but as soon as I squeezed harder his hand, he inhaled soundly and let a warm breath out of his nostrils. He immediately pulled me in and now we were glued to one another.

It felt so addictive I couldn't allow that moment to end.

As soon as I felt him slightly moving away, with my free hand I grabbed his coat and crushed my lips against his, again and again. He didn't protest and rather lowered his forearm, sliding his hand under my hood, running his fingers through my hair. I felt my knees getting weaker as he parted his lips allowing my tongue to slip inside his mouth.

Nothing else existed, all my senses were absorbed by how intoxicating he tasted.

My hands found his chest and then his neck, so I pushed him even closer to me. I was kissing him like my life depended on it.

A suffocated moan slipped out of my mouth as I felt again his hot breath and he almost lost it. I suddenly became aware of how aggressively he was responding. It felt like he wanted it so badly. As much as I wanted it too. So, I let myself go, completely, and the air got thicker. I felt my cheeks flushing, I was out of breath. None of us dared to break off that kiss. When his hands found my waist, I felt lightheaded. His touch was so gentle while his lips were hungry, possessive, consuming.

All of a sudden, he stopped and pressed his forehead on mine. We eyed each other, both out of breath. Our lips were swollen and our cheeks red. I didn't know what to do or say.

Levi swallowed noisily and then whispered, still pressed against me "I think they're gone. We have to head back now...".

[guileheroine]

a morning in may

Lyra begins an important day with an unplanned visit to the Botanic Garden. / A His Dark Materials ficlet written for the 2020 Just Married Exchange 🌼 / 1.5k / ao3

At first, Lyra’s soon-to-be-groom had wanted to get married on Midsummer’s Day. At the instant of his suggestion, Lyra had known that that was going to be the one exception to her rather nonchalant approach to this whole wedding business. If he was surprised to see Pan stiffen halfway to the butter dish - to see Lyra’s face become strange, instead of supplying another nod of assent or amiable shrug - he didn’t show it. And he knew not to probe, and the rest of their afternoon passed like an easy breeze.

That was something she truly liked - alright, loved even - about him.

Today the sunlight was pouring like it was already mid-morning, and even if she had slept at all, Lyra thought she would probably still have woken at the crack of dawn. She was glad to see that Pan, at least, had gotten some rest for the both of them. The moment he was up, she leapt out of bed and threw on a linen scrap of a dress, sparing a brief glance to the much fancier one that hung portentously from her wardrobe, Coptic cotton trimmed with yards of eyelet lace.

She was out before she knew why. The High Street was deserted: the kind of silent emptiness under blaring yellow sun that never failed to remind her of Cittagazze, even though she had since travelled to many a sultry city where the streets cleared out by midday.

The only warden at the Botanic Garden was dozing in his uniform. Not wanting to wake him, Lyra crept down Rose Lane instead and swung over one of the fences, following Pan’s lead. The floral cocktail that enveloped her as she did was buoyed by the cooked air of the morning, and as she walked she went over the order of the flowers for the ceremony in her head. Then she stopped and breathed deeply when a new smell entered and dominated the notes - a shrub that she always passed on the short walk to the back of the garden. One Midsummer’s Day many years ago, Lyra had swept some of the fallen flowers on her way to the bench, had gone to sleep talking to Will, and awoken after dark, steeped in the scent. She searched for the plaque amongst the overgrown leaves the next day, and it said the flower was Indian jessamine.

Lyra crashed onto the bench. Then she sat up straight, her clammy hands fisted in the linen of her dress. And then, she wiped her hands and straightened her skirt, scuffing her foot against the leg of the bench. Now that they were here, the point of their coming could only stare her head on with an expectant sort of bluntness.

There was no reason for Will to be here today, so she really had come all for herself, as grim as that admission felt. Whatever, she knew that. Lyra exhaled, one hand cradling Pan as he burred in her lap.

“Will. I know it’s not Midsummer’s Day. But I’m getting married today.”

Once she reached a certain age, Lyra had become aware that she should expect to start hearing more cloaked questions about ‘her thoughts’ on marriage - if not a few outright proposals, whether on the asker’s own behalf or that of some eager acquaintance. Her college friends had learnt not to ask, having long cast Lyra - usually with a bit of disdain or envy, it had to be said - as someone too flighty for anything more than dalliances with foreign rogues (or local ones, who may as well have been foreign to the well-heeled St Sophia’s girls.) Funnily enough, very few of her more settled friends made mention of her romantic entanglements, probably because it was a subject too awkward to broach for the stodgy male scholars that this cohort mostly consisted of, many of whom were themselves bachelors, if not proud ones.

Amongst all her scholar friends, it was Hannah Relf - quite uncharacteristically considering her proud bachelor status, Lyra had thought, not a little miffed - that had nudged her gently about some boy she knew, a few years ago. She told Lyra that they should meet, and a little about what he did. “He’s new in town, that’s all, and he has some literary expertise that I thought might interest you,” she eventually stammered, once Lyra’s indisposition to the idea had been made apparent. She had plenty access to literary expertise of all kinds, thank you very much.

Maybe Hannah just thought Lyra was lonely. And when that thought finally occurred to her, walking home from Walton Street, hunched against the cutting chill, Lyra’s indignant gait loosened a little.

Anyway, that was how she first heard of Cador Bowman, though she didn’t meet him until a few months later.

That spring Lyra was reading about Celtish legends, obsessively following that call that sometimes came over her - when a subject of inquiry felt both familiar and strange, and gained an elusive, unquenchable appeal as a result. Lyra had come to collect a rare volume at a specialist bookstore down St Clement’s, and she had come herself in the rain rather than ordering it sent because she heard the store was operated by a Cornish folklorist of some repute.

It was only during a lull in their conversation about magic mist, as he flipped through the frighteningly papery pages with a practised balance of speed and caution, that Lyra’s thoughts found a moment to fall into place.

“Oh! Are you Hannah’s fairy guy?”

He was fairly startled at that, and his doe daemon furrowed her brow at Pan, but he confirmed that he knew her. After a few more stormy evenings in the bookshop discussing all manner of legends near and far, Lyra was fully prepared to whisk him off on some escapade where he might put all his knowledge to good use - this curious man whose curiosity could match hers, who treated wild rumours with the casual reverence that Lyra always knew, even before all her adventures, was the correct way to treat them.

“It’s like he’s been touched by something,” Lyra said, slinging her bookbag over her shoulder on one of those early days. She liked to think of herself in the same way.

“Yeah, by you,” Pan snorted.

Lyra was surprised to find that she didn’t bore of him. There was nothing dangerous about Cador Bowman, but he accorded the thrill of danger the utmost respect (even if he only liked it in theory) - something that made Lyra feel surprisingly understood.

She realised that he felt understood in turn when he brought up the topic of marriage one day. They were eating their lunch by the river while they planned a winter trip. He refused to be ashamed of his own tactlessness, though Winnie, his daemon (Lyra and Pan still could never remember how to pronounce her full Cornish name), pulled as far from them as possible, practically disappearing over the bank on her bony legs.

All this she recounted to Will on the bench.

“You would like him,” Lyra said. “He reminds me of you in some ways, quite a serious person all told. Not quite as brave - I’ve never met anyone as brave as you, Will - but, oh, he’d be the first to admit it...” She found herself laughing, flush with affection for both the boys in question.

“Anyway, it’s lucky we settled on today, because it’s not going to be fair weather for long…”

She told him about how she had it on the Gyptians’ word that half a year’s worth of rain would be upon them before the month was up. It was important to Lyra that they deemed the day she chose an auspicious day. As she spoke she remembered she still had to go collect the bells she wanted to wear in her hair - a Gyptian wedding tradition she had tucked in her mind ever since that furious week where she thought she might actually marry Dick Orchard one day. That fancy obviously passed, but she still wanted the bells... and she’d probably better hurry if she did.

It was odd to feel her mind straying, struggling for more to tell. On her usual trip to the garden, she had so much to say to Will. Maybe it just wasn’t the same, knowing that over in that world his own attention wasn’t hers today in the same way.

She’d be back next month, and then she could tell him how the wedding had actually gone.

Lyra found herself wondering, like she had many times, though she didn’t say it aloud: did Will ever want to get married -- had he already done so, perhaps? Did he have someone?

Unlike all the times before, she realised that she hoped he did. Not because it would assuage any remorse on her part, but truly because he deserved it - the same tentative anticipation she was awash with, now that she had voiced her choices to him.

“So that’s it, really. Wedding, this afternoon. I can’t say for certain that I know what I’m doing with all this but... I just wanted - I needed - to tell you about it, to make sure you were a part of my day today. And also to say that I’ll always love you, but I know you know that.”

On her way out of the garden, Lyra surreptitiously snatched one of the Indian jessamines off the bush, pocketing the flower for her bouquet.

[sara-scribbles]

Soft Love (Part 1)

Seteth/F!Byleth Notes: Contains a lot of spoilers from the game

Church man has grown on me. I really like him as a character as he grows and develops through the game.

Part 1 Part 2 --------- Byleth stretched as a yawn escaped her mouth. The day had been long with nothing but a mountain of paperwork to finish. Even now her pile of papers were still stacked up high. Though she had worked without stop all day, she had barely made a dent in the mountain on her desk. 

Her stomach grumbled loudly, reminding her that she had skipped lunch in favor of trying to get more work done. As her tense joints popped and cracked, she glanced outside her window. It was dark, but hopefully it wasn’t too late for her to grab a bite to eat.

Leaving her office, she walked through the mostly quiet monastery. A few guards walking around on her patrol greeted her with stiff salutes. The dining hall was empty, but the kitchen was still open for her to make something. After cooking up a quick and simple meal, she took a seat at one of the empty tables. Eating dinner with others was a nice way to pass time; yet it had been a long time since she’d been able to share a meal with anyone.

Halfway through her dinner, Seteth walked in. “There you are…”

Looking up, a brief smile passed on her face. “Hello, Seteth. Would you like something to eat?”

The green haired man shook his head. “What are you doing here eating so late? Did you miss dinner again?”

“I lost track of time, that’s all. Did you need me for something?” Despite being her adviser, Seteth tended to reprimand her for working long hours without rest. He always went on about her taking better care. Her health was important.

Eyebrows furrowing, he gave her a stern look. “I realize how much responsibility you must feel being the new archbishop. However I do not believe your current work ethic is healthy for you. Have you had lunch today?”

“No. I thought I would skip lunch in order to make some progress in all the paperwork on my desk. I did have a bit of toast left from breakfast.” Watching as Seteth paced and frowned, she was reminded of a mother hen.

“Please, for your own sake, have at least three meals a day. The paperwork will always be there. It would not look good if the archbishop were to fall ill.” A single eyebrow went up as she finished her dinner.

Taking the dirty dishes, she nodded. “You worry too much, Seteth. I’ll be fine.”

“Prof-”

“You can call me Byleth. We’re colleagues after all.” A tiny smile formed on her lips before she headed to the kitchen to clean her dishes.

Mouth still open, he quickly closed it. Sometimes Byleth could be stubborn as a rock. He would just have to watch her carefully. Someone needed to look after her health if she did not. For someone who had helped win a war, she was careless when it came to herself. --------- Lorenz was going on a lengthy retelling of events from the past month. Byleth tried to keep herself attentive, but was finding it difficult to stay focused. His words were coming out muffled to her ears. The pounding headache she had woken up with had gotten worse as the day progressed. She felt uncomfortably hot in her archbishop robes; the collar felt like it was restricting her breathing.

“-think about this, Professor?”

Eyes blinking rapidly, dark spots danced in her field of vision. “Sorry, I missed the last part. What was the question?”

“I was asking what you thought about the current situation?” The purple haired man frowned.

Trying to remember what it was Lorenz had been talking about, she wracked her brain. “I think…”

“Are you feeling okay, Professor?” Hilda asked. “You’re looking paler than normal.”

“I’m fine. I just didn’t sleep well last night.” She shook her head, but suddenly the room was spinning. It felt like something was beating the inside of her skull, and a loud buzzing sound filled her ears.

“...-sser?!”

The world tilted back as Byleth lost strength in her legs. “I feel so tired…” she thought vaguely. The scent of cinnamon and cardamom surrounded her as strong arms held her up. “...Seteth?”

“I’m sorry to cut this short, but Byleth needs some rest.” Excusing the others, the world shifted again before she felt herself being carried. “I told you to take care of yourself. When did you last eat?”

She leaned her head against his shoulder with her eyes closed. “...I don’t remember. The last couple of weeks have been...so busy.”

“That’s no excuse. Even I take better care of myself. Honestly…what am I to do with you?” He let out a weary sigh. “You’re to rest until I say you can work.”

In the infirmary, he set her on one of the empty beds. “My, what happened here?”

“Byleth is not to get up until she has some rest. Could you watch her for a while?” His warm scent faded as he moved away.

Manuela tsked as she helped Byleth into the bed. “I’ll make sure she doesn’t go anywhere.” She was too tired to argue with them. Instead she found herself sinking into the pillow with relief. Everything faded away and she fell into a dreamless sleep. --------- When Byleth woke again, it was quiet in the infirmary. Sitting up slowly, she looked around for Manuela. However the older woman was nowhere to be found. The setting sunlight filtered through the window. Her headache was gone, though her stomach rumbled loudly. After not having slept properly for a few days, Byleth felt a bit more energized.

The door to the infirmary opened and Seteth walked in with a tray of food. “You’re awake, good. I brought you dinner.” He set the tray down on the side table. “I expect you to eat everything.”

Picking up the bread roll, Byleth pulled it apart. “...thank you, Seteth. I want to apologize for being such a burden today.”

He sat down in the chair at the side of her bed. “You’re hardly a burden, Byleth. As the archbishop, you have many demanding duties. How can you take care of your duties if you don’t take care of yourself first?”

She dipped a piece of bread in her soup. “The war ended half a year ago, yet there’s still so much that needs to be done. I thought...I need to be able to do it all.” She stuffed the bread in her mouth and picked up the spoon.

Reaching for her hand, he looked her in the eye. “You don’t need to do it all at once. No one expects you to do everything. If you need help, ask me. I am your adviser after all.”

Staring at him, she released her tight hold on the spoon. “...you’re too kind, Seteth. Thank you for caring.” She smiled as a warm feeling settled in her chest. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Taken aback by her bright smile, he couldn’t look away. His face felt too warm, and he removed his hand from hers. “Well, I’ll leave you to your meal.”

He started to rise, but Byleth reached for his sleeve. “I wouldn’t mind if you stayed.”

Pausing, he slowly sat back down. “Food often does taste better when one has company.”

Most of the meal was filled with a companionable silence. Here and there Seteth would make comments, and she would nod as she ate. Eventually he walked her back to her room after they dropped off the empty tray in the kitchen. He kept an eye on her as they walked in case she decided to fall again.

Standing outside her room, Byleth turned to him. “Thank you again, Seteth. I’ll try to take care of myself better.”

“See that you do. Three meals a day and proper sleep. Please, for all of us, take care of yourself.” Stern yet concerned eyes studied her. “I’ll leave you to rest. Goodnight.” He nodded before leaving.

She watched as he walked off. There were many things she learned about Seteth. His caring nature was one of them. He showed it in his own ways despite being a bit curt. His reprimands weren’t harsh, and he always seemed to be looking out for her best interest. The road ahead would be a long and slow one; at least she had Seteth as her adviser. --------- A few months went by as Byleth continued her work. Most readily accepted her as the new archbishop. Perhaps they did so in hopes of some form of stability that she offered. Others did not accept her so quickly, and viewed her with thinly veiled contempt. They did not like how she was changing things in the church. Byleth believed tolerance was needed, as under Rhea’s guidance any discontent was met with the church’s wrath.

Seteth reassured her that those who were unhappy with the changes would eventually come around. If not they could leave the church and find a new place to join. Those who wished to join a different religion were welcome to without any retaliation from the Church of Seiros. After all tolerance meant accepting that not everyone wanted to be a part of the same religion. Though even that was met with some push back from some.

Byleth let out a tired sigh. Her temples throbbed as she massaged them. “What do we do, Seteth?”

Her adviser paced her office. “Obviously we would be met with some resistance. However, I did not think it would be...so much.”

“I don’t know how to deal with this. How do we make these people happy?” Leaning back in her chair, she stared up at the ceiling. “I sometimes wonder if I’m even suitable for this position,” she muttered.

The older man paused in his pacing. “Lady Rhea appointed you personally. She believed you would be able to take on her role.”

“I’ve never been very religious. Before I came to the monastery, I never prayed. Marianne taught me how to pray properly a few months into my teaching position.” She sat up and looked him in the eyes. “I feel like a fraud. I still do not pray regularly, nor do I really feel anything when in the church. How can I be the archbishop if I don’t have the same faith as those who follow the church?”

Walking over to her, he rested his hands on her shoulders. “You do not need to be the most faithful to be fit for your position. Though you may lack the conviction other believers have, it does not minimize your own belief. You are trying to do the best you can for the church. I believe you are doing good, Byleth. Do not let the words of a few deter you from what you are doing.”

Staring up at him, his eyes burned with a determined passion. Byleth felt warmth settle in her chest. “Thank you, Seteth.” She covered one of his hands with her own. “You are an invaluable adviser and friend. I don’t know what I would do without you here.” She smiled.

Her smile threw him off. It was filled with such warmth that he found himself speechless. Her sea green eyes glittered with the same warmth. Swallowing the sudden lump in his throat, Seteth managed to spit out a “of course” before pulling his hands away. The softness of her touch was not lost on him.

Clearing his throat, he turned his back to her, hands clasped behind his back. “Well...I think it is time we both retire for the night. I will see you in the morning.”

“Good night, Seteth.” He forced himself to walk normally out of her office. Heart pounding in his ears, he let out a deep breath once the door shut behind him. Tugging at the collar of his shirt, he decided to take a walk as the brisk night air cooled his skin.

Byleth kept her eyes on the door for a moment longer. Seteth’s presence was a comfort. His scent, a mix of the four spice tea and something that reminded her of pine, relaxed her. She felt at ease when he was near. He was her voice of reason in this new position. The warmth that settled in her heart remained as she prepared for bed.

As she lay in bed looking at her ceiling, she could almost hear Sothis’ voice. “You like him! Maybe even love him. Are you so dense as to not realize your own feelings?!”

She wondered when her feelings for Seteth had changed. Perhaps when he acknowledged her as someone close to family. When he no longer held her at arm's length with suspicion, she was able to get to know him. He shared his most guarded secret with her because he trusted her; she was deeply touched. Even after the war he was always there; vocally and silently supporting her.

She let out a sigh. “...Seteth.” --------- Things between them did not change. Despite Byleth’s understanding of her feelings, she continued to treat Seteth the same. Yet she noticed more things about him whenever he was around. There was a small wrinkle between his brows when he was contemplating. Whenever he was dealing with something very bothersome, he would often close his eyes and take a deep breath. When he talked with Flayn his whole body relaxed and he always had a fond smile. He was far from the grouchy, no nonsense man she had thought he was when they first met.

Her observations did not go unnoticed. Claude took an interest in how Byleth’s gaze seemed to follow the green haired man around. He sidled up to her during lunch. “So how’s my favorite archbishop?”

She took a sip of her drink. “I’m good. How’s my favorite schemer?”

“Oh you know how diplomatic work goes. Lots of talking while going back and forth. Only to not complete anything really.” He sighed. “I’m sure Almyra and Fódlan will someday be good buddies. Until then, I still have a lot of work to do.”

Claude had been away in Almyra working on his next plan. Bringing Fódlan out of its isolation, he wanted both countries to become allies. It would take time, however he was determined to change the way Fódlan kept to themselves. He rarely visited the monastery, so his short visit was a nice surprise.

“So, what’s going on between you and Seteth?” he asked, watching for Byleth’s reaction.

Eyes darting over to where said man sat, she shook her head. “Nothing is going on between us. Seteth is simply serving as my adviser.”

“Awe, come on, Teach. You can’t lie to me like that. You’ve been watching him a lot for the past couple of days. I don’t even think Lady Rhea kept such a close eye on Seteth.” He nudged her arm, throwing her a wink.

She picked at her food. “I’m not lying. There is nothing going on between us. Seteth is just my adviser.”

“Okay, but you want more?” An eyebrow went up. “Unless you’re watching him so closely because you think he’s been replaced by a fake, then I can’t think of any other reason.”

“I..I just realized that I care about him.” She smiled at her food. “He makes me feel...warm.” Her hand drifted to her chest. Her unbeating heart felt full and ready to burst.

Giving a low whistle, Claude wrapped an arm around her. “You have it bad. When are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know.” Her hand fell away. She leaned against his shoulder. “Should I even tell him? We work well as we are. I don’t want to disrupt that.”

“Well I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think Seteth would turn down your affections. You should talk with him.” The young man was looking right at Seteth, who had looked over at them. His mouth was pressed into a firm line and he was gripping his fork a bit too tightly. Meeting Claude’s gaze, he turned his attention back to his meal.

“Hmm…” Byleth sat up as she looked at Seteth’s back. “I’ll think about it.”

[anxietymymiddlename]

His and hers circumstances

Pairing: Jumin Han x MC4

Summary: Jeahee is going out with Zen? The surprising news leave her with a broken heart, still she can not find the courage to confess her feelings to her afraid that she will not accept her. Trying to confront her confusing emotions, Jumin enters her every day life like a storm while dealing with his own issues. A little bit more than friends, but with their emotions not sorted out yet, what will happen when they will end up under the same roof?

[Chapter 1]

[Chapter 2: My no. 1 person, surely....]

“Little by little I realized that my eyes were always following you, whether it was in the chatroom or in our gatherings… I wanted to hear your voice, I was graving for your smile. That’s why I knew that the smile I was graving for so much was always meant for someone else. Still, it was too late... My thoughts were already full of you.”

It’s been two years already since they first started sharing an apartment. Meeting Jaehee and the RFA seemed like something out of a book or - as Jaehee would say - like something out of the musicals ZEN was acting in. Still, it was the happiest period of her life. Working together, sharing the same roof, spending their free time discovering new things; she finally had a place to call home. If her meeting the RFA members had changed her life, then Jaehee was the one who gave meaning to it when she did it the most.

“Happy birthday!”

She jumped on her roommate’s bed after sneaking into the room. Her loud voice startled Jaehee in her sleep who screamed and pushed her away as a result. As expected from a judoka, her strength was not something to look down upon. She lost her balance and failing to hold onto the bed, she fell down dragging the blanket Jaehee was using along with her. Realizing what had happened, Jaehee gave her a stern look. Seeing her baffled expression first thing in the morning made her laugh, Jaehee puffed her cheeks to show displeasure, but with her messy hair and her eyes still red from sleep she only managed to make her think that she was cute.

“Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday dear Jaehee… Happy birthday to you!” she sung.

“Min-Seo… Just what were you thinking?” she finally chuckled leaving her bed and gave her a hugged her kneeling next to her. “I wanted to surprise you,” she smiled playfully. “Well, you did achieve that,” she sighed placing a hand on her chest.

It was her turn to hug her, causing her to fall back on the floor along with her. She hummed the birthday song as Jaehee whined about it; but she just rolled around on the floor, tangling her self in Jaehee’s blanket. It was Jaehee’s birthday, so it should be a special day and thus she could not help but smile. She was looking forward to give her her present and see the rest of the RFA members, Jaehee always had fun when everyone gathered together. Seeing her in such a good mood, her roomate could not help but smile back, how could be feel angry about that when she looked so happy to celebrate with her?

“Thank you,” she said. “Yes, let’s have fun today.” “Yes, I’m looking forward to it,” her eyes wondered to the clock. “Oh, look at the time!”

Anxious as she always was, she stood up quickly, padding on the floor with her slim, bare legs and left the room in a hurry. Min-Seo stretched her arms and legs lazily and crawled up on Jaehee’s bed, burring her face in her pillow and yawned; she was so excited last night about the following day she barely slept. Her light steps soon returned into the room. From the rustling sound, she could tell she was browsing through her clothes. The warmth of the bed already had an affect on her, she was about to give in to her drowsiness when Jaehee pulled her from her leg.

“You must get ready too you know!” she scolded her while holding her dress in the other hand and she grunted as a response holding on the mattress. “We can not be late,” Jaehee huddled, standing in her underwear. “So cold...” “I know,” she said blushing at the view, slamming her eyes shut. “But we still have time, take it easy today. It’s your birthday.” “I know, but...” she put on her dress and paused for a moment. “Today is a special day and I want everything to be perfect, so I can’t help but fee a bit impatient.”

Jaehee’s room was painted in a soothing lavender color; she had choosen it saying that she needed a color that it’d help relax when she was at home, replacing the dull white color it was originally painted with. Her desk was completely organized but the frame of her computer screen was always covered with sticker notes. Of course she had a tv in her room, they often watched DVDs there together, she had a great collection, her shelves were already overflowing with them. Needless to say, most of them were DVDs of musicals and movies ZEN had acted in. They were also placed in separate shelves while his rarest posters were decorating her walls.

Her eyes followed her as she was moving around the room and then carefully applied her make-up and did her hair. She sat up and crossed her legs, hugging the warm pillow. It was rare for her to do that in the past. Jaehee was already beautiful so she hardly had any need for it, she thought, but she was happy to see her taking care of herself lately, she was in high spirits. Resting her chin on the pillow, she whistled flirtatiously.

“Stop it!” Jaehee gave her an embarrassed look. “And please get ready!” “Hmmm? Jaehee… Did you change your shampoo?” she blinked at the pillow. “Eh? I’m using the same as usual.” “I see… Strange,” she said and dismissed the thought that it smelt kind of different.  “Min-Seo, get ready!” her voice was more demanding now. “Yes, boss!” she run out of the room laughing as Jaehee, seeing Jaehee’s furious look, she always got mad when she called her just but it was fun to see her reaction.

It was a special day indeed! There was no need to push Jaehee’s limits but it was fun teasing her. They were expecting everyone from the RFA to come to their cafe, the preparations were complete but Jaehee insisted to decorate her cake by herself. She was getting better and better at it. Her managing skills were top-notch and she had almost mastered brewing after taking classes to develop her skills but she was now evolving her baking too. Her mind could never rest, she always wanted to learn something new and it was clear that she was enjoying her job.

“Min-Seo, let’s go!” “Coming!”

They had seen the guys on X-mas day; it was a fun night, they had played games and exchanged gifts. Sadly she did not managed to pick the one Jaehee had prepared but she had at least managed to trade with Yoosug, getting the BD of the series ZEN had last stared in. Jaehee was ecstatic when she gave it to her; she was usually buying the DVD version since they were cheaper. They watched it together the next day. Jumin had not managed to join them, but she was hoping he would that day, Jaehee would be glad and it had been a while since everyone had gathered together.

Her phone buzzed. She opened the app, it was a message from Yoosug. 

“Good morning! Did you guys eat? I had omelet rice for breakfast. Looking forward to this afternoon!” “’Morning! We did. Getting ready for work now. See you guys there!”

The same evening, everyone showed up together, as promised, bringing presents for Jaehee. Well, almost everyone, the C&R CEO had not arrived yet. Taking their sits, they had already started sharing their news when Saeyoung waved towards the door. Jumin had just entered. Finally the group was complete and their table got livelier right away. As she had thought, it was a pity they had missed the opportunity on X-mas day. It seemed like everyone was feeling the same since the conversation went around their last gathering and their present exchange.

“What about your gift?”

A puzzling question she did not expect; he looked curious. Yet again it was rare but not unusual for Jumin to show surprising aspects of himself. Maybe he was sad that he was unable to attend, even though he was acting indifferently. No wonder he was visiting the cafe so often lately, was he feeling lonely? She didn’t have the time to think about it at that moment though. It was Jaehee’s birthday, but she was the only one missing from their table. She should go check how the decoration of the cake was going and fetch her.

“Jaehee, is the cake ready yet?” she asked entering the kitchen. “I’m putting the finishing touches,” she looked proud of it. “Everyone is waiting for you. Wow, it looks so good!” he praised her. “You think? I hope it’ll taste good too.” “I’m sure it will.” “I want everyone to enjoy it.” “Ah, this is a present from Jumin.” “Oh. Mr.H-Jumin came too? I’m glad.  “Not you too, Jaehee,” she frowned. “My bad. I should focus a bit more. Old habits die hard it seems,” she sighed, placing a hand on her cheek. “Can you please place it by the other presents?”

“Jaehee sighs a lot lately,” she thought.

So even Jaehee could be a bit overexcited for her birthday, she was constantly flustered by he smallest things since early in the morning and was checking her clock often. She was happy to see her opening up with time and being honest with her thoughts; to her eyes Jaehee was flourishing more and more by each day and she was elated to be by her side. If she could be just a bit selfish she’d wished they could spend that day alone together, but seeing her beaming like that, she knew the gathering was more than worth it.

“Actually, Min-Seo,” Jaehee touched her hand, that made her heart skip. “I wanted to confess something to you, but I could not find the right timing. It’s a bit embarra-”

“I’l listen!” she grabbed her hands excited it, her heart beating fast. “I’ll listen, so you don’ have to hold back!” “Ah… Thank you,” she looked confused but smiled. “I wanted to tell you for a long time now… But I was not sure about my feelings then, I was not even sure if it was the proper decision, so I thought it’d be best to test how things were going first and then tell everyone… But I feel I should tell you first, no I want to tell you first, you should be the first to know...” “Jaehee...” she was overjoyed. “Could she be...” “I’m going out with Zen… We decided we’d like to try living together.” “Me too!” “Eh?” “What?”

Jaehee’s perplexed face made her rewind her words in her head. What had she just said? Going out with Zen? They were going to live together? Did she misheard things? But how could that be possible? Had her heart stopped beating? She could not hear a sound, everything was blurry, but Jaehee’s eyes in front of her were looking for an answer. Living together with Zen? Jaehee? Her Jaehee? How? Why? Me too, she had said, was she an idiot or what? She was never hers, she knew that. Was she squeezing her hands in hers too much? What kind of expression did she had on her face? 

“Min-Seo?” “Me too! I also think you should try living together!” “Eh? You mean you knew?” she turned red. “I thought no one had found out we were dating!” “Ah… I speculated that was the case...” her laugh sounded so fake. “Just who do you take me for? Of course I knew… I jus waited for you to bring it up.” “Really?” her face relaxed a bit. “Ah…. I was so nervous. Zen told me we should have revealed it sooner but I was concerned whether you would approve of us or no. A romance withing the RFA could complicate things.”

That was so typical of her. Worrying about what others would think even in a situation like this. Her shoulders relaxed letting out the tension of the moment, she simpered. No point reacting like hat, she should comfort her, Jaehee deserved to be happy. Zen was a nice guy. They both deserved happiness. If she could find happiness in his hands, then it should be more than enough. Simple at that.

“You should not concern yourself with things like that. Plus, I’m sure that everyone will support you.”

It was no good, her voice trembled.

“Thank you, Min-Seo,” she squeezed her hands back. “You are a great friend. “Your best friend,” she smiled while her heart sunk. “My no. 1 friend!” she laughed. “Jaehee is my number one person too...” “I’m happy to hear that, thank you.” She nodded. “We should not let the others waiting,” she pushed her out of the door. “Go greet them, I’ll bring the cake.”

Holding back her feelings, the corners of her lips twitched as she forced a smile and followed behind her carrying the cake. It was the right thing to do, she ought to be happy for her, she had to. It was her fault she got her hopes up and misunderstood things, she had no one else to blame. Wasn’t it selfish that she was expecting Jaehee had realized and accepted her feelings when she was trying to hide them? But... When did they start dating anyway? She thought they were just meeting in a friendly way. How could they hide it so well? But did they really? After all she knew, since she was always watching her, that Jaehee was happiest when she was around Zen. Wasn’t it just her denying the facts, hoping that Jaehee would not make a move considering Zen’s career?  

“Smile, smile, you have to keep smiling, just endure it. Be happy for her. Sing happy birthday for her, it’s her special day, it’s supposed to be a happy day,” she reminded her self.

They were going to announce it by any minute. She hated the thought, but what confused her the most was the void left inside of her. It almost felt like she was unable to select a proper emotion. Was she angry? Sad? Happy? The sensation was awful, her whole body was numb. However, it would be better not to let her emotions show, for her shake and hers too.

Looking up, she met Jumin’s eyes. His expression staggered her, why was he brooding? C&R’s CEO was always perspective, so he might had noticed something was wrong with her. She avoided his gaze after giving him a sad smile, it was wrong to concern other people over it and she didn’t want to ruin everyone’s mood either. However, as they finally announced their relationship taking everyone by surprise, the pain in her heart grew stronger and she felt disgusting by herself for thinking that it would be nice if it didn’t last for long.

“Are you sure about this decision?” Jumin’s voice rung in her ears “What are you even asking her?”

“Zen is mad. No wonder. But I don’t want to heart it… I don’t want to hear her answer…”

“I am,”

“Why did you even have to ask? Of course I knew already… I knew, but...”

“Then I will support you, since I trust your judgment… So I will not hold back too.”

“Ah, he is right. Jaehee always takes everything into consideration. She wouldn’t make this decision if she was not sure about her feelings. I should support them too. I should… But, it’s hard...”

“Right, Min-Seo?” his voice snapped her out of the thoughts, he had said something about wine; naturally they’d want to celebrate. “Ah! Right… Wine. I think red wine would suit the happy occasion. I’ll go bring it.”

It was a great opportunity to leave the room; she had felt like running away since she left the kitchen after hearing the news. Did she remember to put up a smile before she leaves? She wasn’t sure. The cheerful chatting has started to feel more like an annoying background noise. Her throat was dry, maybe she needed a drink. Why should she pick one anyway? Her hand lingers over a bottle of Pinot Noir. She didn’t even feel like picking one for them after all. It would be nice if time just stopped, it’d be even better if she could rewind time.

An unexpected touch made her shudder. It was almost as if someone had caught her having these awful thoughts again. It was Jumin, the last person she’d ever expect to enter Rever’s kitchen. Did he follow her? For what reason? But somehow, she was glad to see him, him being there brought her back to reality again. She should pick a bottle, get over with it and go outside again to celebrate with them like nothing had happened.

“I can choose one for you,” he said and picked one

“Ah, a dolcetto… But... it has a bitter finish, unlike it’s name… ” her eyes followed his hand. “An unconventional pick… I will not accompany the cake well.”

“Christmas time is a busy period; it looks like fatigue already got to you. We are also busy during these days, so I can understand the toll it can cause to your body and mind. Why don’t you take a short break? I’ll tell the others.” “I don’t-“ she didn’t finish, he cut her by flinching her forehead. “Don’t let the customers see you like this. It’s unprofessional… You’ll also worry her…”

Was he trying to be considerate? She could hardly read his expression but he had helped her relax. It became hard to hold back her tears, she didn’t want to go back there so perturbed. It was obvious that he had figured it out. That fact frustrated her the most, but put her at ease the same time. She was thankful he reached out to her, giving her the time she needed. She wanted to say many things to him but she couldn’t find the words to thank him for not asking any questions, for not giving her a single judging look, for giving her time to recollect her thoughts and find her composure again... So she simply thanked him and he just nodded, not turning to look at her.

She bit her lower lip and run to the bathroom, sweeping her tears clumsily. She owed him one, but before that she had to let everything out and then go back to them wearing her best expression and then pretend that she was moved to tears by their announcement to cover for her puffy eyes until she was back to their apartment. Jaehee was not there, she would spend her night with ZE so she was able to cry her hear out freely. She cried and cried for hours until her eyes could not take it anymore and she laid on her bed exhausted.

Her phone buzzed. It was a notification from the RFA’s app. She sniffled her nose and decided to check it to help her mind wonder to something else. Yoosung, Saeyoung and Jumin were all n the chatroom. She was about to enter but stopped as she was about to sign in. What if they were discussing the news of Zen and Jaehee’s relationship? She didn’t want to participate to that. Cr She was ready to toss it to her side when she got a new notification, a message his time.

“Jumin….?” she clicked on it.

“Did you arrive home safely? If you need anyone to talk to, call me anytime.” “Yes, everything is fine! Thanks for joining us today, it was fun!! ^ 0 ^ “

She cringed at her own text. The exclamation points were one thing but the emoji was clearly an exaggeration; it made it look even more forced that it already was. Another text…

“I was happy to join. Let’s chat a bit more next time.”

A simple text. He did not push the conversation, was she too cold to him? She couldn’t tell. Then again Jumin usually responded calmly to any situation, he wouldn’t make a fuss over that. It was a long day and she did not had the energy to think about it. But she could at least make the keychain she had promised him to thank him, even though she was not sure if he was serious or not and give him the next time he would stop by the shop. Maybe that would help her keep her mind occupied too.

The night felt longer than usual, she had fallen asleep crying and woke up with a terrible headache. A bed, a wardrobe and a bookshelf filled with various books, a small table in the middle of the room. She thought that it looked pretty empty for the first time after two whole years, maybe she should have personalized it a bit more. It would her room even if she left it as it was, but it would not be their apartment for long. Without her this place she called home would feel even more emptier. The thought pierced her heart.

One day later, empty boxes were laying on the floor, while a couple of them were placed by the door already packed. She was gathering her stuff already, not hiding her excitement, but she was getting sentimental whenever she was taking a break. For the girl time she hated the efficiency she always admired about her, it mean the days they’d spent together would be less that she had first imaged.

“Should I leave a few of my framed posters behind? The wall looks so empty now...” she took a sip from her black coffee. “I know they’ll be safe with you.” “No need to worry about that,” she assured her. “Are you afraid you’ll get sick of him seeing his face everywhere in the apartment?” “That will never happen,” she laughed. “Thanks for helping me though. Sorry to bring this up to you so suddenly, but I’ve paid the rent for the next two months upfront-” “You know you shouldn’t though,” somehow her words made her mad. “I’ll be fine.” “Min-Seo is a strong person, so I have no doubts about that,” she said after a small pause. “But I’d feel bad if I could not give you time to decide if you’d like a new roommate or look for a new apartment. So it was just a selfish move on my part to make me feel less guilty.” “Well, I don’t plan to look for another roommate, so I guess I’ll leave this place sooner or later,” she said placing tape on another box. “I’ll miss it… It holds so many fond memories… I’ll miss the time we spend together after work too. Let’s make sure to meet up often…” “Yes, I’m looking forward to it...” her mouth felt bitter. “It’d be nice if you stayed there though. Now I think about it, it was almost covered with my things. It’ll be a nice opportunity to decorate it according to your taste… It feels like I forced my taste on you a lot.” “It’s ok… I loved it as it was...” she didn’t dare to look at her.“It’s going to be a busy day,” she continued after an awkward moment. “Are you sure you don’t want to take the day off? I can cover for you.” “God, I can’t believe it’s New Year’s Eve already! It’s fine. He is gong to meet me after we close the shop, but are you ok with the evening shift? Jumin was right, you look exhausted these days.” “I’ll be fine… I had a bit of trouble sleeping, that’s all. Maybe I should stop drinking coffee for a while.”

Coffee had nothing to do with her condition, but she could not explain the truth so it’s was her pathetic way to cover it up. Moreover, her work was keeping her mind busy, so it was the only way to escape her thoughts. Due to the holidays, the shop was swarmed by university students most of the time and that made their place livelier, thus it was also helping her mood. They had to close it a bit later than usual that day since their customers were more than willing to spend just a bit more time out with their dates of friends, purposely ignoring their closing time.

“Have a happy new year!” the employees waved at them. “Yes, see you in two days,” she smiled while locking the door. “Min-Seo, are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” “I’d feel sorry for Zen if I would. I bet he planned a lot of romantic events just for today. Tell him to take good care of you for me,” she smirked. “And to beat up whoever tries to hit on you.” “You know something like that won’t happen,” she covered her mouth laughing. “Who knows,” she chuckled and put her hands in her pockets, she loved watching her laughing. “Then he’ll come save you shouting something like… Don’t touch my woman!” “Well, I can picture that, he does love his lines.” “Though his woman can protect her self with ease.” “That’s true!” “Well, I’d do the same though, anyone would want to have the chance to shine in front of the one they like. Jump like this,” she jumped n front of her and opened her arms wide. “And say… I will not let you touch this woman, she is mine and mine alone!” “Oh, this one was good too,” she clapped excited. “That tone really suited you!” “I’m not confident that I could win though,” she rubbed her neck slyly. “Running away would be a safer choice.” “Well, that could work too,” she snorted. “Jaehee...” “Hm?” she raised an eyebrow. “Have a wonderful night,” she smiled genuinely for the first time after a couple of days. “Thank you. You too.” “Well, I’m going to meet a friend, so I plan to have a blast tonight!” “I’ll be back in the morning, so let’s spend some time together, since it’s our day off.” “Ah! Zen is here!” she pointed at a black motorbike. “Gotta go then. Zen, have a happy new year!” she waved from afar. “You too!” he yelled under his helmet.

That was good enough. Her smile faded as soon as she turned her back to them. Maybe she should consider an acting career after the successful act she had put on the past two days. The night was cold, she buried her hands further into her pockets after adjusting her scarf. In reality, she had no plans, no friends to meet and a broken heart. Not the nicest way to spend New Year’s Eve. She didn’t want to call any of the other members either, she had decided it’d be best to spend the time alone since she wouldn’t be a good company.

“I need a drink...” she mumbled and breathed deeply.

The dry, cold air made her cough. She stopped, feeling tired her, and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She was a mess. Her breath clouded the window of her fancy salon in front of her, they looked busy inside; it was normal, everyone wanted to look nice in a day like that. Most of them probably had a date set already. And there she was, looking at them like a menacing witch, jealous of their happiness. Her hand touched the handle on an impulse and she entered inside.

“I’m sorry, can I ask you for something really quick...?” she asked loudly.

[somekindofroger]

One Year of Love (Chapter 12)

previous chapters: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN, ELEVEN

Summary: Roger FINALLY decides to make things serious with you after many arguings and fights, admiting his feelings for you.

A/N: Woah, already chapter 12, just a few more and we are over, woaaaaah. More smut, sorry I’m just being thirsty those days. Anywayyyy, I already started the next chapter and I quite laughed a bit about it, aw, things are so fluffly, I can’t wait to start the angst. Thank you so much for any support. KEEP THE FEEDBACK, YOU KEEP ME ALIVE AND INSPIRED. Thanks a lot. Also, sorry about the grammar errors and typos. :( > If you want to be added on the taglist, just send me a ask or a note :D

Warnings: smut, fluff

Words: 2.1k

You had just left the studio. Roger was grumpy and the boys noticed that. He was sitting on a chair, smoking and drinking.

           “For fuck’s sake Roger, what are you doing?” John asked him.

           “What you mean what am I doing? I am smoking, can’t you see?”

           “He means why you didn’t tell her to not go on this stupid date, you bastard.” Freddie was annoyed.

           “We don’t have a relationship. We are friends.”

           “Yeah, if you always acted like a jerk like you did today to her, I wouldn’t want to be your friend.” Brian spoke.

           “She can sleep with whoever she wants to.”

           “Stop being a stubborn asshole.” Freddie took the cigar from him. “You like this girl, I have never seen you like that before.”

           “What am I supposed to do? Run after her and tell her that I want to be with her?”

           “Yes!” the three of them said in unison.

           “But-”

           “There’s not ‘but’ Roger.” John started “(Y/N) likes you, we all know that, and we all know that you like her too. You can’t even imagine her with another guy, jeez!”

           “Go get the girl, Rog.” Brian softly said. Roger looked at the three of them, he thought about you, when he saw you sleeping on his bed, he slept on the couch that night, you were so peaceful, all he wanted was to protect you. Like he did to you when you cried in his arms. He remembered when you saw him with the other girl, that hurt in him, he didn’t want that anymore, he wanted you.

           Roger stood up and left the studio, he didn’t even say a word to the other guys, he didn’t have to. He got inside his car and drove to your place. He saw you on the sidewalk, probably going to call a taxi. He got out of the car and called you. He was nervous, a bit breathless even.

           “Rog? Is everything alright?” you asked him, turning around to the direction of where he was coming from.

           “No.” he said a bit breathless.

           “What happened?”

           “(Y/N), I don’t want to be friends anymore, I can’t stand the idea of you being with another guy.”

           “What?” you were really confused.

           “Be my girl.” He said at once.

           “What?” you repeated, with a funny face, he smiled, approaching you.

           “Look, I like you and you like me back. We clearly can’t be just friends, because I can’t stand the idea of you with someone else.”

           “So you can be with someone else but I can’t? Roger this is ridiculous.”

           “No, wait.” He held your hand, looking into your eyes. “I won’t be with anyone else. Let’s try to make it work, let’s see what can happen, maybe something good can come out of it.”

           “I think we will end up hurting each other.”

           “You know what? I’m sick of this whole ‘hurting’ thing. Let things happen, love. We like each other and if it doesn’t work… well, that’s part of life, isn’t it? Are we going to stop living because we are afraid? I don’t know about you but I’m willing to give it a try.”

           “Roger, I-“

           “You should stop being stubborn.” He sassed, you laughed. “So, can I call you my girl now on?” you kept in silence.

           “I swear, (Y/N) if you don’t answer me I am going to jump off a bridge” he yelled the last part of the sentence. “Do you hear me out, London? If this woman doesn’t want me, I am going to die.”

           “Stop, stop!” you said laughing, trying to make him stop yelling.

           “Alright, I wouldn’t die, but I’d be very sad.” He admitted. “I should lock myself somewhere until you agree.”

           “You are a drama queen, Roger.”

           “Are you going to say yes or will I have to keep on my drama?” you nodded yes, agreeing with him. He smiled. He kissed you.

           The two of you were kissing right there on the sidewalk in front of your building. You felt such a joy for him wanting you as much as you wanted him. He liked you and you didn’t really know why, but he did, you were special to him. Maybe that kiss was one of the bests you ever had, you felt all the feelings Roger had for you in that kiss and they were good.

           “Let’s finished this upstairs?” he suggested.

           “I’m sorry noble sir, but I am not allowed to have men in my room past 10pm.I must remain pure until my wedding day.” you said with a pompous voice. He laughed at your joke and put his arm on your shoulders, both of you walked to your apartment.

           He entered the place first; he didn’t even wait for you and jumped on the couch, sitting.

           “So what now?” he asked. You walked to your bedroom, he noticed you going there and followed you. Roger was at the door, you were standing up and looking at him. While looking at him you slowly started taking your clothes off, his eyes didn’t leaving your body for a second. You stayed in there, in front of him wearing just your lingerie for a moment, then you took your bra out and then your panties, you were completely naked in front of him, while he was still wearing all of his clothes, he didn’t make a move, he was still staring at you, admiring you. You laid on the bed, never taking your eyes away from him.

           “Are you joining or will I have to do it myself?” you teased. He smirked and approached you, taking his shirt and shoes off, he climbed the bed and got on you, your completely naked body, he still had his pants on. “Aren’t you dying to take those out?” you asked him, touching the volume on his pants. Instead of answering he kissed you, his hands were all over your body and yours were on his hair, then neck and back. It didn’t take much for his fingers to go down on you, finding your clit and making fast movements.

           “As much as I love this” you tried to say during moans in his ear “I want you inside of me.” That made him go even harder and you helped him to take his pants off. He was on you, extremely hard, your legs open waiting for him – you didn’t want to wait more – but he stopped to give a look at you, you gave him an annoyed look and he laughed. He teased you rubbing the head of his member on your entrance before he getting in. He got all in at once making you moan and grab the sheet of your bed. He started the in and out movements, while you groaned out loud, your body following his movements making or breasts shake, he had to grab one of them, squeezing it. He speeded up and that made you go louder, the bed was shaking with the movement of the two of you.

           You made him stop, you sat and kissed him, while kissing him you were working on him with your hand, his hands were cupping your face to gentle kiss you. You pushed him to lay on bed and got on him, he was laying and you on top of him, you started riding him, his hands holding your hips to help with the movement, he was moaning and occasionally the was letting your name out. You leaned to kiss him, still making the movements, his hard breathing only making you more horny and speeding up your movements. He made you go back to the first position, when he was on top, and his moaning was showing that he was about to cum. While he was in and out of you, his fingers where working on your clit, making you close your eyes in pleasure. He was done, you hadn’t finished yet and he noticed that.

           “It’s your turn to cum for me” he said, whispering in your ear and taking the messy and sweaty hair out of your face. He went down on you, licking you, making movements up and down and circles ones, it was when you couldn’t hold up anymore, you moaned out loud his name, grabbing the sheets of the bed, arching your back, closing your eyes, you were done. He appreciated his work watching you in pleasure. He laid on bed next to you.

           Your breathing was out of rhythm, you looked at him, who was laying right next to you, and you laughed, for no reason, just because you were happy.

           “Come here” he said, standing his arm in a sign for you to go hug him. You rested your head on his sweaty chest, his arm around you, he looked down on you, on his chest and he tried to fix your hair that was all messy.

           “Who’d tell Roger Taylor would cuddle after sex” you piped.

           “If you don’t want to, I can stop” he replied full of sarcasm.

           “No, I like it.” You said, smiling and burring your face on his chest, feeling his scent.

           “I like you.” He said and you looked up at him.

           “I like you too, Rog.” You took a deep breath “So how’s this thing is going to work?”

           “What thing?”

           “Us.” he giggled with your question.

           “You want an official request? I have done that already, love.”

           “I mean… are we going out in public together? Am I going to places with you? These short of things?”

           “Well, that’s what a girlfriend normally does. And so does a boyfriend.” You felt butterflies on your stomach when he used the world ‘girlfriend’, it didn’t have hit you yet until that moment.

           “Ok, so…” you tried to sound serious “you’re going to pick me up after classes, I hate having to walk or get the public transport.”

           “Is all you demand, milady?” he laughed.

           “Well you’re famous so… you don’t have to tell the press that you have a girlfriend, but don’t forget that you have one and you can’t go out with other girls.”

           “Why wouldn’t I tell the press that I have a girlfriend?”

           “I don’t know!”

           “Exactly, so don’t worry.” He kissed the top of your head. “By the way, we have a gig tomorrow, so you’re coming.”

           “Another gig? Ugh, you guys never get tired?”

           “Well, you know Freddie. But don’t worry, Mary will be there too, she’s not much into gigs as well, but sometimes she goes, so it isn’t a big one where we all get drunk and stuff.”

           “Oh, ok.”

           “You don’t sound excited.”

           “No, it’s just- I have work to do, well, to re-do actually. And I wanted to enjoy the weekend to do that, but I also want to go out with you, so…”

           “So tomorrow I stay here and obligate you to concentrate to do this work the whole day and at night we go together, sounds like a good plan to me.”

           “You staying here won’t help me concentrate.”

           “I promise I will try my best.” He winked, you smiled.

           “Alright, I hope it works.” And then you yawned.

           “Sleepy?” he asked, you nodded yes. “All the girls in England and I had to pick the only one who can’t even get to round two in a night.” You laughed on that statement.

           “I will pay for it eventually, I promise.” You said closing your eyes and getting cozy in his arms. You slept the whole night peacefully. When you woke up Roger was still there, next to you, you woke up far from him but his arm was still around you, his face was next to yours and you couldn’t avoid smiling, he was even more handsome sleeping.

           “You’re not watching me sleep, are you?” he asked, still with eyes closed.

           “No…” you answered trying not to laugh.

           “It’s ok if you are, I mean, I know how handsome I am.”

           “Honestly Roger.” You turned around to not stare at him. He pulled you closer.

           “Lucky you that you’re just as pretty, because I had to watch you sleeping as well.”

           “You’re getting too soft.” You said trying to hide a smile.

           “Are you complaining already?”

           “Yes.” And you got out of bed, you were still naked and Roger watched you naked body leaving the bed, that was quite a view for him. You walked to the bathroom to shower.

           “You have a birthmark on your butt” Roger noticed, you were already in the bathroom, he still laying on bed.

           “Yeah, not many have noticed that.” You yelled back. He got out of bed and walked to the bathroom.

           “Mind if I join you in shower?” he asked, hugging you, your back was face to him, he put his chin on your shoulder, the two of you could see your reflexes on the bathroom mirror. You watched the two of you, everything seemed perfect, you took a deep breath and couldn’t avoid wondering how long would that last.

chapter thirteen

taglist: @itsanarrum @theinvisible-men @schniiipsel @my-bitter-blue @butterfliesflewaway @taylorroger-s @ma-ntequilla @roger-taylor-owns-my-wigg @b-r-o-s-k-i @rogerjustroger @allhailthedeakydo @xxcxrolinexx @killerqueenisthebest @theimpossiblehologramtree @rebelrebelyourefaceisamess @manurainbow @gwilymbrian @danamaleksworld

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Sunday 8 July 1832

9 20

up at seven quarter hour on the pot   one good large motion  got rid of several knobs  then small shortish rolls like a childs motion  very little loose and watery as if I had taken medicine but do not feel so much pain or a sensation of weakness or fullness as I did the last time I took physic got into bed again and slumbered or slept – I think will send for Dr. Kenny about this now too habitual costiveness – Washington wanted to see me just before I was up – will call again – rainy morning – F65° now at 9 40 – note from Mr. Parker dated last night to say there would be a ‘Godley Lane Road meeting’ at H-x tomorrow at 11 a.m. and one of ‘the Leeds and Whitehall Road’ at Birstall, on Wednesday next – ‘In Miss Listers’ case there will not be any occasion for any particular form of notice to the commissioners of the Leeds and Whitehall Road, as that is only requisite when the parties cannot agree’ (respecting the stone they have got for the Lower brea branch road   out of John Pearsons’ land, - Breakfast at 10 ½ - at 12 in ¾ hour read the morning service – felt my voice not strong – somehow taking medicine always weakens me a good deal – so did not read a sermon – came to my room soon after one – wrote rough draft of note to Mr. Parker till near three Began to rain soon after 12 and continued more or less till after 3 – from then to near 5 looking over papers etc. then had Washington – desired him to attend the meeting of the commissioners of the Godley Lane road at 11 tomorrow morning at H-x to settle about the land taken from Pickersgills’ late Benjamin Bottomleys’ field explained what I wanted (vid. note to Messrs. Parker and Adam p. 27 vol. 2 Business Letter book) and desired him to mention to the commissioners my wish to plant the east side of the great embankment of the Godley Lane road with oaks so as eventually to form an oakcopse – In casually speaking to Washington of a road thro’ Trough of Bolland wood to the house, taking it at 600 yards thro’ the wood and ten feet wide bur walling – would cost 2/6 a yard and W- durst engage to make the road for less than £500 – tho’ my father says it will cost £5,000 – Marian called me out

SH:7/ML/E/15/0089

to say Cordingley was just taken very ill with cramp at her stomach – sent off John immediately for Mr. Sunderland, or, if he was not at home, Dr. Kenny, or, if not at home, Mr. Jubb – Mr. S- got here about 6 ½ - saw him – told him it began like cholera – he said he hoped she would be better but if the symptoms got worse, it might, would turn to cholera – if she was worse, to replenish ‘the stomach mattress’ (water tin) with hot water on her stomach – to give her medicine in warm gruel with brandy in it, put hot water bottles to her feet, and rub her legs with warm flannels – said that in that case, we should certainly send for him tonight – dinner at 6 ½ - read my father my note to ‘Messrs. Parker and Adam’ (vid. p. 27 vol. 2 Business Letter book) ‘Solicitors Halifax’ and sent it by John at 9 ½ - then downstairs and came up again at 10 – wrote out from the rough copy my note to Messrs. P- and A- and wrote the last 16 ½ lines of today – read a little of the courier, and read my letter 3 pages and ends (very kind letter) from Lady Stuart Richmond Park - Miss H-‘s wedding say not yet fixed, but will probably be the end of this month. ‘It would give us both great pleasure if your business does not oblige you to remain, that you dear Miss Lister was present at the marriage - the day is not yet fixed but I think it will be the end of this month and when fixed I will acquaint you, if you feel disposed to come’ - no no Miss H- she would as like to have me present as it would suit me to be so no no she will not see me again in a hurry poor Lady S- is wretched at the thought of being left so soon health is the plea but she lady S- thanks god Vere is quite well I can easily believe Miss H- delighted to be off and shewing no heart no  real feeling for Lady S-  I know her well enough  passion will harm her towards her husband but even he may not always find her temper angelic she has made no great match of it but may she be happy I wonder when and what she will write to me rainy day till after 3 p.m. and afterwards showers and damp evening – F66 ½° now at 11 25 p.m. Cordingley better when I came up to bed