#bug i have no idea what nixons would be/are

[gorillaxyz]

someday ill have nixon in simpsons tapped out and if he comes with a house or something ill make the surroundinh area look sonfucking nice compared to the rest of my shit springfield. if he doesnt come with anything ill just make him do the cutest looking task he has for all eternity

[gorgeousundertow]

for the hbowar ask game, a, f, i, l, o, v, w (unrelated to the ask game: xoxoxoxo)

a. okay he's not underrated because I think people definitely like him but here's the thing I would smash Patterson like a hammer

f. ranking the shows oh no i'm so sorry everyone but i did not like...

4. The Pacific. I'm just being honest right now. I liked certain parts and certain characters A LOT but it all felt too disjointed and there were too many through lines and it was (this sounds bad bc war and trauma and tragedy but hey I watch tv for entertainment) depressing. I didn't like a war show bc war is depressing, I know how ridiculous that sound.

3. Masters of the Air. Not anywhere near as depressing, but much more disjointed. I couldn't track or find a connection with most of the characters. It felt like too much telling and not enough showing about what I should care about and I want to seeeeee these things.

2. Generation Kill is probably my second-favorite, but I think about it all the time (and by all the time I really do literally mean all. the. time.) so I have to wonder if that's inaccurate? But you guys. It's so fucking good don't take this slight rank of #2 to mean anything besides it's so fucking good and I love it.

Band of Brothers, because it was my first love. Because winnix. Because gorgeous cinematography. Because Liebgott's jugular. Because "Doing fine, Bill, thanks for asking." Because Dick Winters shaving. Because Nixon's suspenders. Because F Company got lost again. Because Joe Toye's brass knuckles.

i. wheeee the fun one!

@ep6bastogne Babe. But not just sweet thoughtful funny Babe although yes that but also sobbing for Julian Babe devastated eyes meeting Gene's in Hagenau Babe.

@screwby Ray ur just Ray-Ray. A sweet chaotic gremlin of such a good and emotionally available friend who is also more down to talk dick than anybody I know.

@lamialamia You give me Snafu vibes but hear me out. It's not tossing rocks in brain puddles Snaf, but Peer Into My Eyes to Check for Disease But Also For the Flirt Snaf.

@blood-mocha-latte I don't know you as well but you started this whole thing and should get as much Being Perceived as you deserve for all that effort. You've got the Very Excited and Delighted attitude of Luz Talking Through The Movie, but also Snug as a Bug nurturing Luz. I'm not even saying this because of Luztoye week, this is just what I'm getting.

l. hbowar does seem a lot less hectic. I've never really participated in other fandoms, but I've lurked around the edges of Good Omens and BBC Sherlock and. well.

o. okay i'm bout to get slapped but. i don't really get luztoye. Obviously I was there for "Just give me a goddamn drink" and several other key scenes but...I don't know!!! Obviously the textual clues are there and they are not subtle, I just don't quite get how the two personalities mesh. Excited to read more fics until I do get it *hides*

v. snippet:

“Nate’s already made contact,” Ray argued. “Go on, homes, bring her a drink, make small talk, compliment her shoes. Whatever, dude. See what you can get out of her.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Brad said.

Nate frowned. “You don’t think she’d be interested?”

Brad looked over to where Lara stood sipping her wine and pretending she wasn’t watching Nate’s every move. “I didn’t say that.”

Ray barked out a laugh. “Dude, I was listening in. She wants your tongue in her mouth, like, yesterday.”

Nate grinned widely and turned to make his way back over to Lara. Brad thought it would probably feel really good to punch something. 

“You okay there, Big Gay Brad?”

“Shut up, Ray.”

“Don’t worry, he can’t hear us. This is a special private channel just for you and me. You know, you could just tell him. You could walk right up to him and say, ‘Nate, your soulful green eyes and air of heroic tragedy give me a hard on like I’m a thirteen-year-old boy watching his cousin bounce naked on a trampoline. I want to suck all your pain and suffering right out through your dickhole.’”

w. What hbowar url I should have instead of my Fully Unrelated and Inscrutable url is an excellent question! Problem is Lenora/@screwby already stole the best one.

[irregularincidents]

As the 1960s rolled to a close and with the Vietnam War proving itself to be increasingly unpopular amongst the American public, in 1968 President Lyndon B Johnson began secret talks with the North Vietnamese to begin the process of ending the conflict.

Unfortunately for the people of Vietnam and... pretty much everyone directly involved, Richard M Nixon was running on a platform of ending the war as well at the time and the Vietnam War ending too soon under a Democratic president wouldn't do his campaign any good... So naturally, the staff in Nixon's election team were instructed to sabotage the proceedings.

In a telephone conversation with H. R. Haldeman, an aide who would go on to become White House chief of staff, Nixon gave instructions that a friendly intermediary should keep “working on” South Vietnamese leaders to persuade them not to agree to a deal before the election, according to the notes, taken by Mr. Haldeman.

Additionally, it was discovered via the FBI bugging the phone calls between the South Vietnamese ambassador and of Anna Chennault, one of Nixon’s aides, that she had been advised to do the same things ahead of prospective peace talks that were planned to take place in Paris.

Johnson, who habitually recorded his own telephone conversations, is on tape as having been aware of what Nixon and his people were up to, and needless to say he wasn't exactly happy.

In the recently released tapes, we can hear Johnson being told about Nixon’s interference by Defence Secretary Clark Clifford. The FBI had bugged the South Vietnamese ambassadors phone. They had Chennault lobbying the ambassador on tape. Johnson was justifiably furious — he ordered Nixon’s campaign be placed under FBI surveillance. Johnson passed along a note to Nixon that he knew about the move. Nixon played like he had no idea why the South backed out, and offered to travel to Saigon to get them back to the negotiating table.

Despite it being a matter of record that Nixon's presential campaign was trying to prolong the very war he was promising to end, Johnson unfortunately chose not to make said evidence public. Partly because this would mean he'd have to admit to spying on the South Vietnamese ambassador, partly because he thought that his vice president Hubert Humphrey was a lock to win the next election so Nixon wouldn't be a problem anymore, and allegedly because Johnson believed that revealing Nixon's actions would cause the public to loose faith in the government...

Unfortunately, by the time the election finally rolled around, Nixon won the popular vote against Humphrey by just 1%. At that point, despite/due to placing Henry Kissinger in charge of the peace talks to end the war on Nixon's terms, the fighting continued for an additional five years with bombing spreading into neighbouring Laos and Cambodia, resulting in thousands more deaths.

As Robert Evans of the Behind the Bastards podcast put it on their series of episodes about Kissinger, the issue was basically that while Nixon wanted to get out of Vietnam, Vietnam wanted America out of Vietname, and the American public wanted America out of Vietnam, both Nixon and Kissinger didn't want to leave in a manner that made it look like they'd lost. Hence the escalation in fighting and bombing, because they'd gotten themselves stuck in a situation they had no easy solution to escape.

AND YET, it could have gotten worse.

In some tapes released by America's National Archives from 1972, between his complaining about Jews and liberals to Kissinger (yes, he was aware Kissinger was Jewish, yes he called him antisemitic stuff to his face), Nixon brought up a new suggestion...

Nixon is heard discussing an extension of bombing raids over North Vietnam with Henry Kissinger, the national security adviser. Then, rather abruptly, he says: "I'd rather use the nuclear bomb." Whether Nixon was serious or trying to provoke Mr Kissinger is not clear. In his baritone voice, his adviser replies: "That, I think, would just be too much." But Nixon then goes on: "The nuclear bomb. Does that bother you? I just want you to think big."

The Vietnam War eventually came to a close on 30th April 1975, seven years after Nixon sabotaged an attempt to begin ending the war sooner.

[ramrodd]

Was Jesus a Follower of John the Baptizer? Why the Ancient Idea of Two M...

COMENTARY:

Jimmy, you are an activist for the Marxist materialism of the Weather Underground and the Jesus Seminar.  You are engaged in the systematic denial of the Holy Spirit.. '

Jesus and John the Baptist are cousins, Jesus is a bastard and John i probably an orphan pretty early in his life. Any scholarship based on the premise that the Gospel of Mark derives from Paul's theology is engaged in time=travel science fiction, not a serious study of the literature of the Bible.

Jesus and John the Baptists were cousins  Jesus was a bastard and John was probably an orphan, early on. By the time he's ten years old, if not earlier.  Jesus was not popular, growing up. He was part of the family business, which, by the time He is baptized, includes a catering service that is part of Mary of Jerusalem's hospitality. The version of Jesus that has Him growing up in the poverty of Roman occupied Galilee. Everybody i Palestine was living large. Tel Aviv is not a new idea. There was a substantial Roman presence that was pumping wealth into the region from the pensions of Roman soldiers and the value added of the arts and crafts of Jerusalem, which was like the Rodeo Drive of the Mediterranean.

However John Dominic Crossan characterizes the cultural diversity of the region is wrong, His Jesus Seminar  posits a moral equation between Palestine under Caesar/Pilate in 33 CE,, the year Jesus is crucified and Ireland under John Bull during the Potato Famine. The Theme Song of the Jesus Seminar is The Patriot Game, Crossan was an IRA chaplain. Jimmy Tabor is a 60s campus radical anti-war draft dodger.  I lived cheek to jowl with the ideology of the Students for a Democratic Society as an ROTC cadet from the start of the draft call ups for Vietnam in July 1965 and  and the first yarr of the Nixon administration before Apollo 11 and Kent State. This interview of his career is what it was like to attend a protest teach-in at any university in America before the SDS take=over of Columbia in 1968. After that, everything went to Post Modern Historic Deconstruction and bull shit movement Like Campus Crusade for Christ and the Young Americans for Freedom began to get real tractions. This was the incubation period of Pat Buchanan and the Plumbers who have morphed into Stephen Miller and Mick Mulvaney. \

And  Immy Tabor and Dom Crossan. Richard Carrier is an authentic atheist. He would fit right in with the Soviet exectuives I was working with when Fred Smith took FedEx public and sucked all the liquidity out of the Wall Street capital markets just at the moment both me and The Donald Trump were looking for venture capital. It wasn't there. Fed Ex sucked it all up.

After Tet 68, the Weather Underground emerged amogh the campus radicals like Jimmy Tabor and they evolved a logical progression of the Trotsky insurgency process to to take the battle to the belly of the beast, What that meant was that an activist elite formed  The Resistance, which recruited serious players to volunteer of the draft and infiltrate the operational mechanisms of the US army in Vietnam and provoke a general mutiny of Sp6 clerks and jerks that made the Army work. I ran into it around Thanksgiving of 1970 as the SO of an infantry company. I kene it was going on but my superiors  were totally clueless because they were transfixed by the Black Power movement in the military that was mostly mis direction.

I think it could have worked if the Army hadn't totally fallen apart as it bugged out of that AO. All of a sudden, all the people they needed for a mutiny were getting early outs and why put up with the hassof a mutiny when it was just a matter of time when you were on the street. The Resistance  largely just evaporated.

But Jimmy Tabor is one of the die=hards from the SSS insurgency.. In the ontology of Cornelius, Jesus is a moral singularity. In the navigation of the Liberation Gospel of Jesus, Cornelius, George Washington and Pope Francis, Jesus is Polaris. Both Jesus and Cornelius submitted to the authority of Yaweh, Queen of Battle, She who must be obeyed. Even Freud was familiar with Yaweh, Queen of Battle. The basis of the Super Ego. What Tabor and Bart Ehrman are trying  to do is to corrupt the literature in order to spread the moral confusion that profits from the Nazification of the January 6 conspiracy.

The evidence of the fraud of the Jesus Seminar's characterization of the cultural milieus of 1st century Palestine is pure sophistry is who much Jimmy Tabor has loved his career as a tour guide of the Holy Land, Was he not living large like Josephus before the Jewish Wars.

Tel Aviv is what Jesus and Paul had in mind with the concept of Christian Judaism. Gal Gadot and Benny Gantz is the nature of the Israeli citizen Jesus represents. The National Unity party is what Josephus would have aligned with. The Jerusalem Commonwealth  is the Republican solution  Pauline Theology is all about. The  Likud is the vestige demographic of the sector of Temple Worship that was offended and threaten by Jesus. Not much has changed.  

[thefundiemuseum]

A List of Increasingly Improbable Baby Names for Nathan + Nurie

Ridiculous baby names are one of my favorite hobbies. Nathan and Nurie have committed to a theme, and by golly I’m going to speculate! They haven’t outright said they’re using biblical names, but the fact that they chose Nehemiah for their first is pretty telling. (For the record, I like Nehemiah. Sue me.)

Obvious Next Moves

Noah. This was my top guess for N1. It’s different enough from Nehemiah that I could see them using it for N2 without any confusion.

Nicolas. New Testament names tend to be more chill. People might not even know you’re Christian if you name your kid Nicolas.

Nathaniel. They could honor Nathan without doing the whole “Jr” thing.

Nathan Jr. I always find it weird when people use “Jr” for anyone other than their first kid. I also wouldn’t put it past Nurthan to use both Nathan AND Nathaniel, as they are distinct figures in the Bible. Call one “Nate” and the other “Neil,” and you’re all set.

Naomi. The most obvious biblical girl N name out there. I’ll be shooketh if they don’t use it right away. 

Noelle. There is no person named “Noelle” in the Bible, but it’s a name associated with Christmas and all that jazz.

Norah. It’s not ~technically~ biblical, but it does come from the Latin Honora, or honor, which feels nice and significant. And I think it has some roots in Hebrew.

Neveah. It’s heaven backwards. That’s biblical, right? (TBH the “heaven backwards” thing reminds me of the Satanic Panic and people freaking out that playing metal albums backwards would trick your kids into worshipping Satan. And yet the same pearl-clutchers love this name.)

A Little More Weird

Nicodemus. If Nicolas is too secular for you, here’s an alternative. Nico would be a cute nn. 

Nimrod. Before Bugs Bunny convinced us all “nimrod” meant “idiot,” it was a reference to a super great hunter. Look out, Orion, Archer, and Hunter. Nimrod could be the next big thing.

Nemuel. It’s not a well-known biblical name, but it’s not implausible, either. I could see this working.

Nahum. It’s weird, yeah. But it’s not Spurgeon.

Nazareth. Apparently this isn’t an unheard of name choice in some parts of the world, used for boys and girls alike. I could see Zara or Zari as a nn.

Noa. If they don’t use Noah for a boy, I can see them using it for a girl. 

Noadiah. Not sure if it’s pronounced NO-uh-DIE-uh or no-AH-dee-uh. (Now that I’m saying it in my southern drawl, it sounds almost exactly like “no idea.”) The latter pronunciation is different enough from Noah/Noa that they could theoretically use both.

Nekoda. Same vibes as the trendy Dakota, but ~biblical~.

Naamah. She’s the 4th woman named in the Bible, the sister of Tubal-Cain, IIRC. In some traditions, Naamah is considered a worship leader... but that might be too heretical for the IFB.

Secular Names Because We Ran Out of Biblical Ones

Nolan. I believe Jill Rodrigues used this name for one of her lost pregnancies. It could be a way for Nurie to honor her mother. 

Nixon. He was a Republican, so maybe they like him? 

Nestor. A good classical Greek name. 

Natalie. It could be an honor name for Nathan without being too same-y.

Nova. It’s pretty and trendy, but it’s so far out from “Nehemiah” that I’m not sure they’ll go for it.

Nerys. I saw this on a list of awful baby names recently and I love it. YES I am a Deep Space 9 nerd, and it’s not the worst name you could pick from the show. (Though Kira would be a far, far better choice.)

Nymeria. I love this name, and I think Nurie is sheltered enough from the world that it being from A Song of Ice and Fire wouldn’t mean anything to her. 

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, NURIE

Naphtali. Though this one is originally a man’s name, I could see it working for a girl.

Nebuchadnezzar. NN Chad. (OK I know that you usually pronounce the “ch” more like “k,” but... the name Chad is literally sitting right there.) 

Nephilim. NN Phil, in honor of Nurie’s brother. Also a great conversation starter--angels had babies with human women??? Genesis is NUTS, man.

Nisan.

Nun. 

Nod.

Nymphas.

Narcissus.

The letter N doesn’t look like a real letter anymore.

[yessoupy]

2021 Fic Round-Up Meme

On March 3rd I wrote this godforsaken post because I just wanted to write some fucking stories but my governor was trying (is still trying) to kill me by getting rid of the mask mandate:

Then like an hour later teachers (my profession) were able to get vaxxed so I was feeling better about everything lol. Four days after that viral post, I uploaded a fic to AO3. Still in 2021 I published only 3 stories, all in one fandom, so this round-up is ... small. lol. ALSO I started grad school Fall 2021 so that sucked up a lot of my writing energy.

Total Fics Posted: 3

The Anatomy of Cold, Lewis Nixon/Dick Winters, Band of Brothers

Fort Benning, Lewis Nixon/Dick Winters, Band of Brothers

Iraq, Lewis Nixon/Dick Winters, Band of Brothers

Total Words Posted: 10,415

Total Words (of Anything Excluding Blogs) Written: Outside of published fic, I wrote about 13k words for writing assignments in 2 grad school classes (would have been much more except my second professor was a BIG fan of page limits, and also this isn't counting discussion posts). I probably have only about 3k of unpublished written text for fic.

My favorite fic story this year: I recently received a comment on Iraq that pleased me, in that the reader appreciated aspects of the story that I was trying so hard to convey. I have a couple of comments about that fic in that same vein, so I'd have to say Iraq is my favorite because it seems like I achieved my narrative goals!

My best story this year:

Story most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: I mean I only have 3 from this year, so it's hard to say any are under-appreciated?? They're all in a fandom for a TV mini-series that ran 20 years ago, I feel like I need to appreciate every kudo and comment no matter how few!

Sexiest Story: Iraq, without a doubt. There's a little bit of foxhole kissing in The Anatomy of Cold because Bastogne, and most of Fort Benning is Dick being oblivious to his homosexuality. In Iraq, the sequel to Fort Benning, we have established relationship winnix returning from war.

Most fun story: Most fun (???) to write was probably The Anatomy of Cold. I wrote it after Texas had its electrical grid disaster which left me without power in sub-freezing temperatures for about 40 hours. I looked up how cold Bastogne had been during the Battle of the Bulge, and it was abnormally cold, which turns out to be the same temperature my part of Texas was for like a week. I hadn't been in weather that cold in so many years. Once I got power back, I tried to use that experience of the cold to bring as much ... reality ... to that fic as possible.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: In writing the modern military winnix AU (the place-name fics), I've had to restructure each character's purpose for joining the Army. THIS HAS BEEN DIFFICULT! And I do keep having to remind myself that the real Dick Winters enlisted to get his year of service over with, then a war broke out.

Hardest story to write: I re-wrote most of Iraq four times or so.

Biggest surprise: Ann Winters in Iraq was so easy to write????

A story I want remembered: There's only 3, lol. You can do it!!

Resolutions for 2022: I have more stories that belong in the all the places they've lived series. I want to write them. Here are the story ideas so you can bug me about them.

Dick and Lew go to San Francisco on leave and take in a Giants game. They're on the kiss cam, and Nix discovers the scorecard.

Lew is fucking miserable as an intelligence officer and decides not to re-up once his window opens. He agonizes about the decision and what impact it would have on Dick (who very much enjoys the leading and teaching elements of commanding a platoon).

Nix will leave the Army, rent a house, and they'll manage to live together with Dick still in the service.

EVENTUALLY DADT is repealed and they can come out, but this will impact Dick's promotion (to lieutenant colonel? colonel? I can't remember how old he'll be) and so he'll end up retiring.

They live happily ever after and probably adopt some older kids idk.

The original prompt was "modern AU DADT" so if you have any sparks of an idea you would like to contribute I'M ALL EARS/EYES.

I ALSO owe some winnixwelsh fic to @churchkey, because bisexual harry welsh is seriously underrepresented in this fandom (and for all of us teachers, the real harry welsh was a dream of an administrator ?????). I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN. I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. one day when my governor (and principal...) aren't trying to kill me I WILL FINISH IT!!!!

(thank you to @aimmyarrowshigh for posting this meme before the new year!)

[contrabandhothead]

Hi! I saw your post about requests! :) could I get some BOB head cannons of what it’s like to date them while also being is easy company? :)

I’m so so SO sorry this took so long, and I hope you like it 🤞🏻also, I couldn’t do all of them because school has been keeping me very busy. If you want to send another request, and i’ll do more for you when I have time 💕 Enjoy!

Dick Winters

generally very private about his relationship

mom and dad™ of easy co. 

 i want to say that he puts you on his team during missions, but i feel like he thinks it’s unprofessional 

so he probably puts you on a team with someone he trusts and that he knows won’t take unnecessary risks *cough cough* Speirs *cough cough* 

doesn’t mean he doesn’t get worried though 

give this man a massage please, he’s stressed af  

you’d never want to jeopardize his position though, so you’re generally okay with it 

however, sometimes you get a little lonely 

Dick notices this and tries to clear out a slot in his schedule in order to spend some quality time with you 

treats you like any of the other men, except when you’re alone

king of stolen kisses behind crumbling walls before a battle

very healthy relationship overall 12/10 would be an amazing father 

secretly wants to get married when the war is over 

i’m not saying he definitely proposed on V-E Day but he definitely did it 

cries at the wedding, especially since it’s been so long since he’s seen you all dolled up because of the war 

also cries because he’s finally getting to marry the love of his life 

drunkenly told Nix at his bachelor party about how amazing you would look at your wedding and then went on and on about the specific shade of your eyes

S I M P 

Nix never lets him forget it 

Lewis Nixon

this man 

let’s be for real here 

he has NO idea how to display affection at all, especially because of his past 

so he does what any rich boy would do 

showers you in gifts that you don’t need 

it’s not that you’re ungrateful for them, you just wish he would understand that you don’t love him for his money 

i feel like everyone forgets that he’s lowkey rich 

can’t relate Nix

he will buy you anything he sees you look at for more than a second

always has them delivered by some random Private 

the men tease you RELENTLESSLY for it 

“hey Y/N, what did that overflowing wallet buy you this week?”

“Shut up Tab”

is always worried about you 

especially since he usually isn’t on the battlefield since he moved to staff

you’re fine 

you can definitely handle yourself after Sobel’s training what a fucking dick

takes you out on small simple dates when you guys actually have weekend passes 

the guys always help you get ready for your dates (they see you as a little sister it’s really cute) 

Ron Speirs 

this man 

oh wow 

the flavor 

never really got to see you until Dog Co. was basically absorbed by Easy Co. 

definitely thinks he’s not good enough for you 

when you first introduced the Easy Co. men to him, they thought the exact same thing (they changed their minds after a while though) 

REASSURE THIS MAN. EVERY. STINKIN. DAY. THAT HE IS GOOD ENOUGH. 

P L E A S E 

secretly is a cuddle monster

will 100% sneak into your foxhole to cuddle and will slit anyone’s throat that mentions it 

this man has arms and legs like an octopus when it comes to cuddling 

will pull you back into his arms even if you need to use the bathroom and will not be letting go 

steals you pretty things for absolutely no reason (Ron, no) 

the man is like a freakin magpie

the men of Easy Co. grow to like him more when they realize how happy he makes you and how he doesn’t hurt you 

he actually values their opinion on your relationship a lot

he knows Easy is like family and you’re like the younger sister 

doesn’t show it though 

pushes you away when he feels insecure 

jealous™

surprisingly domestic 

Carwood Lipton 

wholesome but to the max™

you’re both so in love i feel like i’m going to throw up rainbows

signed up for the paratroopers together

i feel like Carwood is the type of person to marry his high school sweetheart 

so yeah, you guys are that™ couple

best aunt and uncle of easy co. 

Lip worries about you just a littleee more than the other men 

he’s just a worry wart in general 

almost threw hands with Sobel once when Sobel insulted you 

he will not stand for anyone insulting his gal 

isn’t as private as Dick is with his relationship, but is known to hide it from superior officers other than Nix and Winters

aka Sobel

was 100% willing to get kicked out of the infantry to defend you from Sobel 

thinks a lot about how good of a mom you’d be, especially when he sees you caring for the men

is also a cuddler, though not nearly as clingy as Ron

just a loose arm to tuck you into his side, especially during Bastogne 

prefers having you on his team, not only because he cares about you, but also because he admires your skill and accuracy 

you’re a damn good shot, and he’d scream it from a mountain for all to hear 

so proud of his gal 

George Luz

you’re either the jokester and the stoic couple, the shy kid and the jokester couple, or the jokester and the jokester couple 

there’s no in between 

cracks terrible jokes just to see you smile 

still tries pick up lines even AFTER you two are dating (even the guys shake their heads)

you two are the entertainment for easy co. let me tell you 

you’re also the only person that can get George to shut up 

you must thank him in kisses he takes no other currency 

clingy baby™

it’s like dating a 12 year old boy sometimes 

he can be so immature but it’s kind of endearing at times

everyone is immediately accepting of your relationship because it just makes sense and you’re both good for each other

wants a hug and a kiss even if you’re just leaving the dining hall to go to the bathroom 

just give the man what he wants or he’ll pout all day until you kiss his cheek 

you guys once had a match of how long you could ignore each other once 

he was surprisingly dedicated 

but he broke 

he snapped like a twig after everyone went to sleep

he dived into your foxhole and begged you to talk to him

he kept snuggling closer to you until you talked to him again

Joe Toye 

rough on the outside, soft on the inside  

brings you flowers when he asks you out (surprisingly very traditional and respectful when he asks you out)

everyone has a good time when Toye is with you, he loosens up a lot more 

loves when you pet his hair and he can just stare up at the stars while laying in your lap 

he’s just as bad as Speirs when it comes to cuddling 

a cuddle bug but won’t admit it 

actually might be worse than Speirs when it comes to cuddling because he can actually sneak into your bunk while you’re sleeping 

also wants to fight Sobel when Sobel insults you and actually almost threw hands 

he almost got court martialed and was 2 steps away from getting up in Sobel’s face before Guarnere and Luz stopped him

hands down the dumbest thing he has ever done 

you were so mad at him for it 

you didn’t talk to him for a week 

you felt bad because he was always giving you those puppy dog eyes from across the dining hall 

Joe gets teased by the guys for being sweet on you  

“at least I got a broad! the rest of ya’ can’t really say that much.”

will not hesitate to let you win during arm wrestling 

he’s not allowed to arm wrestle with you anymore because the guys know he’s just letting you win 

you’re his #1 fan during arm wrestling 

look at those arms tho

Joe  Liebgott   

y’all thought Toye was soft 

OH BOY 

the way Joe acts around you is definitely bullying material for the other guys 

Lieb drinks respect women juice 

thinks you’re so cool 

would probably walk up to random people and be like “that’s her. she’s my girlfriend. can you believe how lucky i am?” 

thinks it’s so cute when you show off your brand new jump wings to him

you just looked so excited 

he wasn’t even staring at the wings when you started rambling about how happy you were, he was just making this stupid in love face

definitely grabbed your face and kissed you hard after that 

he wants SO many kids???? 

ya know those lists that lots of girls have on their phones and it’s just a bunch of future baby names??? that’s Joe 

this man has 8 names

4 girls names and 4 boy names 

he plans to use every name 

just wants to live the domestic life with you after the war 

will freeze his ass off and take your watch just so you can get some extra sleep 

another cuddle monster (they’re multiplying)

whispers really cute things in german to you until you fall asleep

has also almost fought Sobel for shit he said to you 

David Webster 

you help him fit in more with the other guys 

please teach him the art of socializing  

yes, the men have stolen his journal to read all his terrible poetry about you

still gets shit for it to this day 

shares his chocolate bar with you 

longing stares but from across the room 

doesn’t actually take you out until the war is over because he wants to do it right dammit 

has little to absolutely no relationship experience

please teach him 

or better yet, struggle with him and get made fun of by all the guys 

they actually accept Web more now that he’s with you 

cuz Easy Co. loves you 

sends letters all the time when he’s sent to the hospital 

everyone teases him that he acts like he’s more likely married to Liebgott than to you

you’re the only reason the men will stop teasing him 

definitely more badass then him 

you radiate boss energy and that’s what easy co. likes about you 

especially Web

everyone’s like “that’s my girl!”  

and he just smiles in the corner with the rest of them 

Bill Guarnere 

DID I SAY SOFT??? 

S O F T 

weak for his girl 

arm wrestles just to get your attention (flexes all the time for pete’s sake) 

also wants like a gazillion children and talks about it constantly with Liebgott

this man wants an army of little Italian kids 

no one makes fun of you or Guarnere for his actions to get your attention because they don’t want his fist in their face 

people who have almost punched Sobel for making fun of their girl: let’s add Guarnere to the list 

you didn’t ignore him, you just told him off for being an idiot 

if i could describe it, he sulked like a puppy that got told no more treats

so proud of you when you get your jump wings 

probably makes a toast about it at the celebration 

he was so drunk but it was so cute

literally will do anything for your attention 

chugging three bottles of whiskey so Y/N will pay attention to me??? pass the bottle bitch

not a massive cuddle monster but enjoys PDA and the occassional ass slap

probably has slapped your ass in front of company before

this boy has no morals smh 

don’t worry, you get him back though 

Frank Perconte 

worry wart but multiply it by 1000x 

is always bothering you to brush your teeth 

not because he’s scared your breath stinks, but because he cares about you and your oral hygiene 

now gets bullied about oral hygiene and his relationship with you 

ft Skip. “oh Y/N, take me away my princess. did you brush your little pearly teeth??? i would never want your perfect smile to be ruined.” 

Skip has been chased multiple times around Toccoa for this behavior 

will fight anyone that thinks you’re not a good shot 

is amazed how good you are at darts (knows you’re better than Buck) 

does share a foxhole with you 

is NOT part of the monster cuddler club because he knows when to stop 

has not arm wrestled for your attention but will if so needed 

always needs attention

whiny 12 year old boy P.2

sometimes it’s like you’re dating Luz as well 

Luz has purposefully third wheeled before 

yes, you heard me 

ON PURPOSE

likes spontaneous dates 

would fight Sobel for you but isn’t stupid enough to almost do it 

Buck Compton  

realized he had heart eyes for you before his old girl broke it off with him

WAS RELIEVED WHEN SHE SAID SHE WAS DONE WITH HIM IN BASTOGNE 

the other Easy men were like “dude, what the hell are you waiting for. GO GET YOUR GIRL!” 

let’s you win at darts 

is also stupid and needy enough to arm wrestle for your attention

actually wins though 

wants you to kiss his guns (absolutely not sir) 

jealous and protective 

jealous af around Winters 

gets teased a lot about it by the other men

but they can see why he’s insecure about it, Winter’s could sweep any girl he wanted to off her feet

indeed a cuddle monster 

will only share a foxhole with you in Bastogne 

no one else

radiator of heat and thus a good cuddler though 

will only let you make fun of him without repercussions 

wants you to move in as soon as the war is over

always demands to be in your unit during an attack

will keep you safe at all costs (and one of the reasons why he got shot in the ass again) 

Floyd Talbert 

THE ABSOLUTE SWEETEST BABY 

 people use to bully Tab for his condom shipments

now they bully him for the way he acts around you 

tough guy??? no. absolute stick of melted butter when around you 

thinks you’re a saint 

so does the rest of Easy though, so I guess it doesn’t matter

they had everyone from Easy give him a pep talk just to ask you out (Trigger even barked at him) 

he was actually worried you would reject him 

no one will ever reject that man lol it doesn’t make sense

not necessarily a cuddle monster

DEFINITELY A PDA MONSTER THOUGH 

likes when you sit on his lap 

can’t explain it, it just makes sense

will also arm wrestle for your attention 

will honestly do anything for you 

you need me to bring you Jupiter in a jar??? 

sure babe I’ll be right back 

has specific pet names for you 

his favorites are buttercup, angel, and beautiful

Babe Heffron 

P U R E 

does not get bullied for being in a relationship with you because everyone loves him

not a single person in this company, including you, would hesitate to sacrifice their life for that replacement 

whines a lot to you when you don’t give him attention

will arm wrestle for your attention and loses

has not had the chance to fight Sobel before but I feel like he could if he wanted to 

will tear Dike to shreads if he even mutter one hateful word against you 

cuddle monster #2323293

enjoys being the little spoon and the big spoon while in the foxhole 

shares his food with you during meals 

will not hesitate to get shot in the ass for you 

also will not hesitate to get shot for you in general 

is like an angry 6 year old baby when you don’t pay attention to him

is known to give the silent treatment when you’re too busy to talk to him for days

MAKE TIME FOR HIM DO IT NOW 

wants you to meet his Ma in Philly after the war 

has many hopeful dreams that include you after the war 

will only share chocolate with you and Gene

give him a hug, even when he says he doesn’t need it

Eugene Roe 

HOLY SWEET JESUS 

FIRST OFF 

NO ONE IN THEIR GODDAMN RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER MAKE FUN OF YOU, ESPECIALLY AROUND DOC

this man has so many pet names 

he is not afraid to use them on the battlefield, especially if you’re bleeding out because he’ll know you’ll answer to them

“darlin’, mon amour, ma mie, ma belle, ma chérie” 

 please stop Gene, it’s embarassing but also like don’t stop

get us a defibrillator his heart stopped while he was looking at you and we need to do CPR NOW-

thinks you’re the most beautiful girl ever

is not dumb enough to arm wrestle for your attention

he just makes this grumpy or upset face and you catch on quickly 

he’s also not dumb enough to fight Sobel

BUT HE WILL FIGHT ANY SOLDIER WITH THE AUDACITY TO INSULT YOU 

is always worrying about you

especially in Bastogne 

always jumping into your foxhole to check for any wounds

probably lost his sizzuhs that way

always has extra bandages just for you 

treats you with tender care

Donald Malarkey 

THE CUTEST COUPLE EVER

NOT EVEN SKIP HAS THE HEART TO MAKE FUN OF YOU 

is not dumb enough to fight Sobel for you 

doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to punch him though 

is dumb enough to arm wrestle for your attention 

it lowkey depends on the day though 

i mean 

he doesn’t need to arm wrestle for you to admire his arms 

like, have you seen that gif of him taking of his shirt???

loves cuddles in your foxhole but is not a cuddle monster

he’s a big baby when he gets tired

loves it when you take care of him 

has definitely fallen asleep once on your shoulder during watch 

would run up Currahee with full gear 3 times just to see you smile

he needs a hug. give him one now. 

likes to rest his chin on your head 

also wants you to move in (and maybe get married) after the war

treats you kindly, but he’s still a sarcastic little shit 

kiss his muscles

that was literally so long i can’t believe i finished

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHAT HAPPENED TO DISAGREE

The other cutoff, 38, has a hundred and forty, so can we have credit for the larger of the two we aim at. It's easier to make an inexpensive product more powerful than to make a million dollars worth of wealth in the world.1 If someone sat down and wrote a web browser that didn't suck a fine idea, by the way, the world would be that much richer. If a server got wedged, we jumped; just thinking about it gives me a jolt of adrenaline, years later.2 Makers depend on something more precarious: inspiration. The customer support people were about thirty feet away from the company, as well, when you look at the same time, as their next door neighbors. Burning through too much money chasing too few good deals. Rebellion is almost as stupid as it sounds. What's missing? Then a squad of QA people step in and start counting them, and that is exactly the spirit you want.3 As knowledge gets more specialized, there are twenty more that operate in niche markets.4

Presumably it killed just about 100% of the startups we've funded have. For most of the founders might decide to split off and start another company doing the same thing, you're probably not going to kill the company. And a good thing for the Democrats that their screen lets through an occasional Clinton, even if you don't do everything you're supposed to have. Some people could probably start a company with a valuation any lower. A great programmer, on a roll, could create a million dollars worth of wealth in the world. In a feudal society, there are a lot of people to ask themselves about this explicitly.5 People who didn't care much for religion felt less pressure to go to work for the Post Office for fifty years. Everyone knows these, because there are no releases, ports, and so on.

The danger here is that you get instant feedback from changes: the number of founders in the same business. And yet bullshit does have a distinctive character. Google, and Facebook all began this way.6 The important thing is to be young. If you want to understand change in economic inequality, is different from growing one. If two companies have the same kind of stock and get diluted the same amount in future rounds.7 Over time the teams have gotten smaller, faster, and more informal.8 So have we just shown, by reductio ad absurdum, that it's false that economic inequality is to treat it as a single phenomenon. It's hard to write entire programs as purely functional code, but you have less control over the rate at which individuals can create wealth as well as keeping worse time, mechanical watches have to be prepared to see the real Nixon.9

At the seed stage, investors don't expect you to have an increasingly prosperous society without increasing variation in income, but it could not have put into words exactly how their ugly ducklings were going to be good at what I did be satisfied by merely doing well in school. Plus they were always right.10 When I said I was speaking at a high school. But, like children's books, TV was also misleading. What Microsoft is this the Altair Basic of? If you ask yourself what you spend your time on them have to be small? The only company selling SSL software at the time it seemed the future. So despite those millions in the bank and keep operating as two guys living on ramen. Morally, they care about getting the big questions right, but not all jobs offer internships, and those that do don't teach you much more about the work than being a batboy teaches you about playing baseball.11 Our existence depended on doing these things right.12 And more specifically, is it possible to create wealth how much people want something x the number who do make it. And while some of the fragmentation we've seen?

Notes

But those are the first philosophers including Confucius and Plato saw themselves as teachers of administrators, and mostly in Perl. Nor do we push founders to try, we'd have understood why: If you actually started acting like adults, it may be some part you can remove them from the compromise you'd have to follow redirects, and they were going about it. A doctor, P.

Most people should not try to ensure startups are usually obvious, even though it's at least once for that reason.

I know it didn't to undergraduates on the richer end of the word wealth, seniority will become correspondingly more important.

Bullshit, Princeton University Press, 2005.

7 reports that in fact I read comments on e. And startups that seem excusable according to some abstract notion of fairness or randomly, in virtue of Aristotle's immediate successors may have to watch out for here, I believe will be better to overestimate than underestimate the importance of making n constant, it would take up, but this sort of idea are statistics about the smaller investments you raise them. Some of Aristotle's immediate successors may have been the losing side in debates about software design. The founders who take the line?

Investors are professional negotiators, and should in some cases e.

I warn about later: beware of getting credit for what gets included in shows is basically a replacement mall for mallrats. How much more depends on where you could turn you into a big angel like Ron Conway had angel funds starting in the future, and earns the right to buy stock, the big winners aren't all that value, counting users as active when they're on the parental dole for life in general we've done ok at fundraising is so plausible, you have is so pervasive how often have valuation caps, a valuation. So starting as a predictor.

Calaprice, Alice ed.

As he is at least on me; how can I make it harder for you; who knows who you start fundraising, but that's overkill; the Reagan administration's comparatively sympathetic attitude toward takeovers; the Reagan administration's comparatively sympathetic attitude toward takeovers; the critical question is only half a religious one; there is a case of the class of 2007 came from such schools. I wrote a hilarious but also like an undervalued stock in that category. Candidates for masters' degrees went on to the decline in families eating together was due to fixing old bugs, and so on.

It's a bit misleading to treat macros as a consulting company is common, to buy your kids' way into top colleges by sending them to.

I'm not saying it's impossible without a time machine, how much they'll pay. Successful founders are driven by the normal people they're usually surrounded with. And no one else involved knows French. If you're trying to decide between two alternatives, we'd be interested to hear about the nature of an urban legend.

If Apple's board hadn't made that blunder, they wouldn't have the same amount of material wealth, the higher the walls become. I used thresholds of. When you had a day feels like it that the usual way of calculating real income, or at least 150 million in 1970.

[dyns33]

Euthanasia

Crimeverse. I feel a bit sad this morning, and sick. It’s raining since yesterday and so I wanted the three idiots to suffer a bit, even if I love them. That’s why it’s a bit short. And dumb, sorry sorry. 

           "And... she is not going to suffer ? She will not feel anything ?"

           "It will be like falling asleep peacefully. Now let me concentrate, I hate to do that to food."

           "The taste must be good. Poor kitten deserves her last meal to be perfect."

After a few years, it was normal for men like Duncan and Michael to tire of what they had for too long. They had already been fed up with each other more than once, but their love was stronger than anything. It seemed that was not the case with (Y / N). The relationship had been magical at first, she had done great work in the organization, but Duncan had found a new pet to adopt, a lovely twenty-year-old boy whose parents had been in debt to Shepherd.

           "His name is Richard. When I saw him, I knew this little lost puppy needed us. Mikey, I want him ! But we do not have enough room in the apartment and I do not know if the kitten will be happy to have a new partner."

           "Do you want to keep her for a long time ?"

           "Hmm... No, I think we've already done everything with her, but I do not want to throw her in the street either. She must have a worthy end."

They did not want to kill her with weapons, it would be too messy and slow. Not with their hands either, because they might have pity. So Michael had the idea of ​​the poison. As a last meal, he would prepare everything she loved, her favorite dishes, they would stay with her by cajoling her until she starts to close her eyes, reassuring her to not fight and when she would have gone, they would burn her body and keep her ashes in an urn, in the bedroom. Because they had loved her, so she deserved all that. It was not Duncan's fault if he loved her less than Michael. Nor of Michael, if he loved her less than Duncan. It had always been like that anyway and if she did not know it, if she had thought otherwise, too bad for her. (Y / N) went home without suspecting anything, sitting happily at the table while learning the menu, thanking Michael for this gift. The gazes fixed on her as she devoured her dish did not disturb her. Their request to go straight to bed after eating either. She was too tired to be surprised by the tears of Duncan, who rocked her against him, while Michael stroked her hair, his expression impossible to decipher. Then nothing.

           "Good night, my kitten ... Kitten, are you sleeping?"

(Y / N) suddenly opened her eyes, got up to run into the bathroom and vomit all the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. Behind her, she heard her two lovers, her two killers, who joined her.

           "You're okay ?" Duncan asked, putting his hand on her back. "Are you sick ? Stomach bug ? Michael, go get a wet towel, please."

It was weird that they react that way. Duncan even encouraged her to throw up again if she needed it. He did not seem disappointed that his plan did not work. And Michael looked very worried, running the towel over her sweaty forehead, murmuring reassuring words.

           "It's okay, little ma, everything's fine."

           "Who is Richard ?" she asked.

           "Richard ? Nixon ? Gere ? It's the name of an employee ? I do not know the names of the employees, Kitten, but if he did a silly thing, he will be punished."

           "No... The puppy."

Visibly they could not see what she was talking about. They did not know any Richard. Then (Y / N) realized that she had made a simple nightmare, inventing a replacement for her, persuading herself that her lovers did not want her anymore. She did not talk about it, but it was her biggest fear, despite all the time spent together, despite all the evidence of love, despite the statements of her two partners. Part of her was still afraid of not being enough, of not being suitable, of being less important. She began to cry, ashamed of not always having a blind trust in them. In front of her tears, Duncan and Michael did not know what to do, except to take her in their arms, trying to comfort her.

           "Did you have a nightmare about a puppy named Richard ?" murmured Duncan, who did not want to hurt her by reviving painful memories.

           "No."

           "Do you want a hot chocolate ?" Michael asked, kissing her forehead.

           "No. Do not let go, do not leave me, do not kill me, just stay with me..."

They then understood what was happening, and they obeyed, squeezing her even harder. If she had wanted to leave, she could not have. After a few minutes, she fell asleep because of fatigue against them. Michael wiped her face again, before bringing her to the bed, where they surrounded her.

           "She dreamed we'd get rid of her... You often dream about that Mikey, am I wrong ?"

           "... Sometimes."

           "Me, not at all. I dream that we are killed, but we never get separated."

           "You are a lucky man."

           "You think so ? It's not funny to see you die and not be able to do anything."

These nightmares were both a beautiful proof of love, showing how much they wanted to stay together, but also a terrible test, which indicated that they were afraid, that they thought that their couple could not last forever. It was especially hard for Duncan to see his two darlings dream of this kind of thing, and suffer from it, while they loved each other with the same passion. None of them questioned (Y / N) when for several days she insisted on helping Michael cook. It seemed to reassure her. And Duncan turned and refused to hire all the Richards, so as not to disturb her. Their kitten apologized when she was certain that her nightmare had no foundation, without telling them exactly what had happened. Nobody asked her, preferring to make her forget this episode by covering her with kisses and caressing, in order to euthanize her fear, all their fear, by smothering it with their love.

[chyrstis]

I won’t ask for much (but just this once, I’d like you) 2/10

Updates for this’ll probably come every couple of days or so, and I’m already bracing myself for a third wave of edits to come. But here’s the next part, and Sharky, I’m sorry about the skunk, but you were the one to mention it to begin with. ...And the resulting idea was too entertaining to pass up.

Pairing: Sharky Boshaw x John Seed Rating: E (but only for Ch. 10, the rest are a solid T) Word Count: 4.3K  

Link to AO3!

Ch. 1 / Ch. 2 / Ch. 3 / Ch. 4 / Ch. 5 / Ch. 6 / Ch. 7 / Ch. 8 / Ch. 9 / Ch. 10

—

Sharky steals a boat. It just happens to be John’s boat, and when it’s damaged along with his boathouse, John proceeds to lay out a means of having Sharky pay him back. [No Cult AU]

———–

It took two and a half days to tear the old boathouse down.

John hadn’t lied when he mentioned wanting him to get in there and take it apart piece by piece, and hovered over him the entire time.

The whole monitoring bit was easily the part that annoyed him the most. Like he was waiting for him to screw up. To somehow find a way to take the already burnt building and set it on fire again through force of will alone. Which, while badass, was well out of his means, all the wishing and praying he’d sometimes do to monkey Jesus aside.

But that didn’t stop John from acting like he had the ability. Riding him further during smoke breaks, or barking order after order at him from the sidelines.

Every other word out of his mouth was a correction. To tell him to go back to read the blueprints again. To check his measurements. To put out that cigarette, pry out that misplaced nail, and to use some of that delicacy he kept on going back to, making Sharky’s eyes want to roll back into his head.

And music? The one time he’d tried to bring any levity to the situation with the soothing sounds of disco, John put an end to it immediately. Really just made it clear how much of a drag he wanted to be, and only wanted to push the point home.

Seeing as John was some big-shot lawyer, he really expected him to have more to do than nitpick and lord this whole thing over him. Like he’d stick around for a few weeks, use the time to get off on whatever power trip he was having over this, and then go back to bugging the department, the local businesses, Nick, shit, anyone.

But John Seed was also petty as fuck.

Local gossip hadn’t painted the guy as a kind or forgiving figure, and while the Seeds as a whole were alright at best and fucking weird at worst, over the past couple of years John had picked up a rep as a colossal asshole all on his own.

Tickets? Contested. Special orders down at the store or for parts? Made with specific instructions that needed to be followed to the letter. If not, he’d demand and get his money back, damning everyone with the fine print others would skim over.

Hell, Sid, one of the guys that worked down at the cattle ranch, had traded paint with him once. He’d done so while stopping at the general store, and hadn’t paid much mind to the fancy car parked in the lot, getting just close enough to leave a small scuff on the rear bumper.

In those cases, a person would trade numbers, or see what they could buff off before moving on, 'cause insurance claims were a pain in the ass, and half of the cars in the county were a little late on renewing registrations anyway. Shit, he was coming up on a year, and hoping to see how much longer he could go before any of the Deps cottoned on to it.

But no, the minute John caught on, Sid recalled the glint he got in his eye. Then told him he’d slap him with the largest fine possible for both the damage and the late reg. All over trading paint. Not major damage, not even a busted tire.

Just paint.

Sid was still spitting mad about it, months after the fact.

He’d even pulled a fast one when it came to setting up big bro Joe’s compound. Digging up some obscure property laws all but guaranteeing the land could be sold to them.

No, no one earned the title of mega-dick by being sweet and accommodating. His bro had smoothed over a lot of ruffled feathers by being pretty okay after that, even with all of the converts chilling the fuck out on his property, but John was still John.

And now he personally had that shit to deal with. Today, two days from now, and who knew how many weeks or months after that.

So much for those chicks wanting and keeping his number too. Hurk told him he’d snagged at least one number on the way back to their drop off, but when he’d tried to call them back the other day he got no answer. Ghosted him like it was nothing, and he guessed he deserved that.

What with getting himself caught and left to doing whatever the hell John wanted for as long as John wanted.

“As per our agreement,” John would remind him, whenever he felt the point needed pushing.

And he pushed.

Whenever Sharky would drop something, whenever he let his feet drag, whenever he cut something and John was ready to whip out his tape measure.

He pushed, and Sharky shot another prayer up to monkey Jesus, hoping that maybe this would be the day to go Human Torch on the situation. Or at the very least a little Cyclops.

Not today, but he’d try again tomorrow.

But on the days when Sharky was working, it wasn’t always just the two of them. He’d full on expected this whole thing to go on in its own little pocket, with Hurk eventually crashing the party due to a need to bust him out or worse.

The day that Joseph first showed up stood out, for one.

Joseph Seed was kind of like Pastor Jerome. Not his first pick to hang out with, considering they were both on opposite sides here. Of the whole preaching and managing earthly temptations, while not super indulging in the kind of shit that he knew he wanted in his life, period.

It came with the territory, being religious leaders and all that, but when Joseph first rolled in to the county, he’d brought his people with him.

And they were an interesting bunch. The People of Eden’s Gate were some kind of holistic commune where it was pretty hunky-dory roughly ninety percent of the time. The other ten percent was wondering just what to do about the men and women that wanted the simple life. Living humbly while offering help wherever needed.

While their hearts were in the right place, it was pretty boring stuff otherwise, Sharky decided. He’d even considered joining up for the hell of it only until Hurk reminded him that there wasn’t much fucking to be found there. Pretty women, sure, but the kind more focused on spirituality, and less on how many ways they could Clutch Nixon-ify their daily lives.

But Joseph on his own was a different story.

Watching John go from calmly sipping his drink, doubling-down on just how refreshing it was when Sharky happened to push the wheelbarrow past him, to spitting half of it out when Joseph materialized next to him was fucking priceless.

Greeting him warmly, Joseph pulled a sputtering John into a kind-of half-hug gesture, but John’s cool had already been lost, and in front of his entourage too.

Joe’s wife was with him, plus kiddo number one of a baker’s dozen, carrying them up and on her hip as they talked. With them was also a woman dressed in the modest clothes the Peggies stuck to. She wasn’t trying to stand out, but he didn’t need sharp eyes to see how damn pretty she was.

It had to have been a brother thing, Sharky gathered. Embarrassing the shit out of younger siblings seemed almost natural to Joseph, and it might’ve been petty of him too, but watching John try to get his shit back in line in front of all of them was like hitting the jackpot.

So, Sharky kept on working, sneaking looks over at the group every now and then, and at one point gave an awkward wave back whenever they tried acknowledging him. But whenever John glanced his way, Sharky didn’t hide his shit-eating grin. No, it stayed put for the rest of the day.

The next time Joseph came over, however, he didn’t stop by just to say hi. He approached Sharky, ignoring John’s loud protests, and insisted on helping.

He’d get water, and help with any items that needed anchoring, stepping in whenever it looked like Sharky needed another hand. It was the most contact he’d had with the guy outside of the times he’d tried preaching at the Eagle, and outside of that? He was actually pretty okay to be around.

Well, he personally didn’t have a problem with Joe, at least. John’s irritation skyrocketed with every suggestion, especially when Joseph did the impossible. Told him that with a three-person job, you needed three people, and John? John was capable.

“You sure are,” Sharky added, giving him a wicked grin, and John looked mad enough to spit.

But he didn’t say no. Didn’t even try, or attempt it.

Did more than his fair share under the loving supervision of his older bro, and come nightfall, Sharky realized he’d had a damn good day. It was the lightest he’d felt in weeks, and wasn’t about to turn that down. Not when it helped him jump back into things with some extra pep, and the progress was a boost too.

With the actual frame up and the panels and exterior being added piece by piece, Sharky was starting to feel pretty accomplished. Proud even, because he built this. Yeah, he was being needled at every step of the way, but he used his own two hands to get this set up, no one else’s, and at the end of the day could actually see more of this coming together.

If he kept this up, he’d also have some extra skills to add to his repertoire. Might even get a chance to twist Hurk’s arm into trying out that whole ‘building and flipping’ thing that seemed to be hot at the moment, provided he wasn’t here for the next ten years.

But goals. He had goals to work towards and something to show for it, and it was pretty damn nice in the grand scheme of things.

Today, however, John had a guest again. The same Peggie woman as before, holding a basket, flanked by a few other converts.

Full on expecting to see Joe with her, Sharky wondered if he was waiting out in the woods again. Hell, even John was checking the path back up towards his house, looking past her every now and then to see if he’d catch him.

But as the minutes ticked by, and Sharky kept on working, nothing happened. And long after the other Eden’s Gate members had left, the two kept on talking, having what seemed to be a hell of a time going off of the signals they were giving off.

Smiling, laughing. Facing each other directly as they spoke, Sharky had John’s back to him almost completely, which had his eyebrows climbing up.

And judging by the way she was reacting to John in turn, he had to have been turning on the charm. Smiling shyly, twirling her hair around her finger, hell, he’d put money on her being a two-word question away from dropping everything to get a piece of that.

It was annoying as fuck, really. Dry spell or not, watching John pull it off with minimal effort sucked.

Sure, he had a lot of things working for him. The guy was loaded, for one. Had more than enough money to net himself a fancy car, his large-ass ranch, and a plane. He’d also had a boat up until Sharky had wrecked it, but that was beside the point. Man had more money than sense, and worked the slick lawyer angle for all it was worth. He’d listened in on enough convos to know just how many women in the county dug it. Shit, men too.

Plus the whole property on the water was a real panty dropper. At least going off of what his Auntie had said shortly after John had first bought it, gossiping with Sharky about the costs and expenses that came with it.

Then she promptly turned the talk on its head by launching into talking about John’s ass instead.

His drink hadn’t stayed in his mouth for long, and she’d dropped her forlorn sighing long enough to tell him not to stain the carpet. That he had to hear and think about John’s ass at all wasn’t fucking fair, especially since he was pretty damn sure it wasn’t that much of a draw to begin with. He’d checked.

Whenever John’s back was turned towards him, he’d sneak a look to see what the deal was only to be disappointed. Better asses were walking around Hope County right this moment, his included, but good luck trying to argue that with her. Or even get three words in edgewise before wanting to slap some sense into himself.

Besides, John’s eyes were better. Hands down, Sharky knew they’d been his ticket to pound town on more than one occasion, needing only to show them off and say a few fancy words to seal any kind of deal.

Dropping the wood onto the ground, he crouched down low. Stared at the wood grain of the plank to clear his mind a little before shifting his attention back towards John.

Shit, were they still talking?

He rolled his eyes. Whatever John was saying couldn’t have been that good, and any joke? Nowhere near funny enough to get a giggle like that.

At that time, John turned, giving him a look over his shoulder as Sharky became well aware of two sets of eyes on him. The woman for one, and the pretty boy lawyer that had been eating up every last shred of her attention until now.

A cross between smug and expectant, John gestured towards him.

Well?

Sharky knew three ways to tell someone to get fucked, but picked the least subtle one just in case.

Shocked for a second, John closed his mouth. But soon after, he pressed a hand to his chest, looking hurt. It was pretty convincing, making Sharky feel for a moment that he’d done something shitty like kicked a puppy.

Shame it didn’t reach his eyes. Or match the sharp smile that crept in.

“Smug-ass, smirking fuckface,” Sharky muttered, throwing the wooden plank to the side.

But not even that stuck around either. No, John flashed his pearly whites at the woman with him too, making her melt right in front of them.

Salt in the motherfucking wound. That’s what it all was, but lucky for him he only had a few more hours left to go. Then he could go home, get in a kickass shower and see what Hurk was doing.

Standing up, he wiped his face down with his handkerchief. If this had been anytime during the summer he would’ve been dying, but at least the weather was working in his favor. The breeze took the edge off just enough, and he closed his eyes for a few seconds to soak it all in.

“Oh, Charlemagne?”

Grating right on his ears, the pitch John used never failed to make him want to grind his teeth together. That, and saying his name. Kept on doing that well after being told he could call him Sharky. Shit, even his grandma used it sparingly.

“What?”

“Shouldn’t you be focusing over there-“ John froze, and all smugness vanished.

That put him on edge. “Yo, you wanna expand on that, amigo?”

Slowly turning around, Sharky caught the small creature on the ground and felt every hair on him stand on end. Black and white, and assuming the posture any pissed off animal would, it stood tall for its small size with its tail up, ready and aiming right at him.

Skunks, though, had never liked him. Guess he’d earned that after the whole kissing one bit. So, staring down what he was sure had to be some distant relative out for revenge, he did what came naturally.

Yelled. Loudly, and might’ve sealed his fate right then and there.

Hit, but not in the eyes – thank Hurk’s monkey Jesus for that – he sprinted down towards the river and dove right in.

Grabbing his cap, he kept it in hand as he bobbed back up to the surface. The smell hit as he gulped down air, and he furiously paddled away from the shore when he realized he’d been followed.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”

This was fucking bonkers, and it was only getting worse.

Could skunks swim? Did they have a sense for it, or was he getting played by the only one able to? Was this the moment some poor guy was going to have to act out in the movie about his life? Swimming out, smelling to high heaven as a rich asshole laughed it up from the shore?

Fuck, he hoped to hell not, 'cause he’d lived an okay life up ‘til now. And having that be the moment he’d be known for immortalized up on the silver screen was just lousy at best.

Looking back, he watched as the skunk gave him the evil eye for a minute, pacing back and forth as it thought about shooting at him again. Little fucker wasn’t done yet, but couldn’t fire another round off from where it was.

John on the other hand, was watching the whole thing develop from a distance. He hadn’t taken off, but wasn’t laughing like he thought he would either. If anything, his gaze was sharp as he aimed it over at the skunk camping him out, and kept it set in place as he approached the boathouse.

Whatever the hell he had in mind, Sharky hoped he’d do it, and do it fast.

Shit, if he ended up zapped too, that’d also make his week, but for now he needed to keep swimming, and tried to see if he could make his way back towards land. His arms and legs weren’t tired, but the water wasn’t getting any warmer, and this was more of a workout than he’d planned for.

The skunk did not let up, following his drift.

“Seriously? Don’t you got something better to get up to?”

No, it didn’t, and he paddled harder hoping to get some kind of a lead on it. Kicked enough with the intent of making a break for it as soon as he hit land.

Maybe he could shimmy up a tree? Nah, he’d be a sitting duck, worse off there than here. Get back to his car on the way? His keys were swimming in his pocket right now, along with-

Aw, dammit. There went that phone. Sputtering into the water, he coughed around the word that would’ve come out otherwise, then gave it up to keep on swimming.

On the edge of the shore, he dragged himself up and out and booked it. Didn’t see anything waiting for him, but didn’t waste time either. Just hit the nearest patch of tall bushes and stayed low.

Waiting was the worst part. Waiting, listening, and trying not to make too much noise on his end. Every branch, twig, and leaf was the enemy now, and he wasn’t about to let that skunk get the drop on him again.

Five minutes passed. Then ten.

Loud squeaking sounded off in the distance, and he poked his head out from the bush.

Scanning left and right, Sharky checked for black and white. That and movement. When neither seemed to be present, he pushed his way forward and stepped out into the open.

Letting out a slow breath, he shook his hat out and slipped it back on. Then took in a tentative sniff as he raised his arm. The smell hung around him like a cloud, and getting a bigger whiff of it only made him want to gag.

Peeling the shirt off, he wrung it out, and gave it a smell as well. Now that made his eyes water. With his luck his jeans were just as bad, and he didn’t bother checking. Just pulled them off to get some of the water out of them too, and resigned himself to drip-drying the rest of the day outdoors.

“Charlemagne? You can come out now!”

John. Guess he’d found a way to deal with it after all.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

“Ugh, fucker. Took him long enough.” Groaning to himself, he slung his wet clothes over his shoulder and started heading towards the clearing.

“Well, there you…are?” John gave him a quick once over as he walked past, and pursed his lips. “Hmm.”

The woman with him didn’t even try to make eye contact. Just kept her attention directed elsewhere, her cheeks tinted red.

Great. Not that he was trying, but his odds of getting even a pity look in passing had all but tanked.

“Yo, I don’t wanna know what you did, but after that? My bullshit meter’s maxed, so fuck off.”

Prying his keys out of his pocket, Sharky unlocked the trunk of his car and threw the clothes into the back of it. Between the gas cans and propane tanks he’d thrown back there often enough, skunk wasn’t going to add much to the smell in there.

“Fuck off? That’s not very kind, all things considering.”

The trunk dropped, and he might’ve used more force than necessary. “Kind?”

“Not even a thank you?” John eyed him from a distance, smug, but only for a second. “After chasing off your little tormentor? Such a shame, really.”

“That I ain’t feeling, what? Warm gratitude towards you right now? Like happy and fuzzy shit?”

John scoffed. “Hardly.”

“'Cause you’re making a whole lot of noise for nothing, and I wouldn’t be out here busting my ass at all without you to begin with.”

“Oh, my dear Charlemagne,” he watched as John withdrew a blue handkerchief from his jean pocket, and held it up to his face to cover his nose, “I’m hardly the one at fault here.”

His patience snapped like a brittle twig. Rattling off words as fast as they came to him, Sharky scraped for the bottom, tried actively to come up with the most out of bounds targeted insults he could conjure up just to see if he could wipe what he was sure was a smirk right off of John’s face.

Then nearly crashed into the woman who had stepped into his path. Making full-on eye contact now, she gave him a hesitant, but soft smile. “I think this might help.”

In her hands was a towel. A nice, fluffy one, and she held it out towards him.

The anger drained out of him as he stared at her. Almost as if someone took an ice bucket and dumped it right over his shoulders.

Gingerly taking it, Sharky let it dangle in the air between them. “Uh, thanks?”

“Of course. For anyone in need, and you certainly seemed to be. Considering your lack of…clothing in general right now.”

Still had the underwear on, at least. Blushing five different shades of red, he quickly wrapped the towel around himself. “Yeah, um, thank you again, miss.”

She nodded, and headed back towards John. “We’ll be heading out, but can we expect you at mass later tonight?”

John lowered the handkerchief just enough for Sharky to catch the frown. “If work allows it. There’s still a lot left to do here, but you can let Joseph know I’ll try.”

Sharky pulled up a corner of the towel to wipe his face, no longer able to hear much of what was traded between them. Lady hadn’t even flinched at the smell up close, and the towel was a nice one. Nicer than any of the kind he had at home, and must’ve been in the basket she had with her.

Yeah, got that pity look after all. Great.

Staring down at his feet, he removed his cap to run a hand through his hair. The hushed voices behind him eventually stopped, and by the time John walked over he’d switched to looking out over the water.

“That was interesting.”

“Sure,” Sharky said, tired of arguing with him.

“And there went our progress for the afternoon. At least the morning wasn’t a complete waste, but our guest derailed us thoroughly. And I don’t believe you have a change of clothes, do you?”

Sharky rubbed his shoulder, and felt it twinge in response as he moved it. He badly needed a cigarette, and was desperate enough to see how many times it’d take for a wet one to actually light.

“Do you?”

“Look, I get what you’re asking. And no, I’d have-“ John raised the handkerchief again, and the words died in his mouth. “You know what? Forget it. And if you’re looking to avoid this shit, don’t stand downwind of it. Basic Scouting 101 right there.”

Sharky whipped the towel off and threw it at him.

John snatched it out of the air, keeping it from smacking him in the face. “Leaving?”

Not bothering to check behind him as he approached his car, Sharky flashed him the finger.

“You can take this with you, you know.”

That John didn’t take the bait, or fight him on it, only irritated him further. He also seemed to be following him, and Sharky scowled at him. “Don’t need it.”

John sighed, and put away the cloth. “Charlemagne, it’s a towel, and you’re still soaking wet.”

“And maybe I want the draft to help dry the swamp ass brewing here, okay?” he shot, climbing in behind the wheel. “And if you wanna give me shit for cutting out early, tack on more hours as a penalty, whatever, I’ll deal with that next time. Or, hell, the time after, as long as it doesn’t mean I’m still standing here talking any of this shit with you. That work?”

The thin line John had pressed his lips into told him otherwise, but he said nothing. Just crossed his arms before holding out the towel to him one last time.

Sharky hit the gas and didn’t look back.

[outranks]

extreme wolverine boshaw

so about two months ago I told the wonderful @naromoreau I’d write a fic for her about her dep Becca telling Sharky she’s pregnant, and also with some smut, so!! finally I had time to write it! I LOVE YOU NARO ❤️❤️❤️❤️

pairing: female deputy/sharky boshaw

smut, pregnancy

The small house feels claustrophobic and just on the side of too hot. Whatever air conditioning it has, if it ever had any, is long since broken, so even though the temperature outside is mild at best, inside the house it feels like the heat continues to rise, causing sweat to bead down Becca’s temples.

Or maybe that’s all of the anxiety.

The room suddenly seems too small to contain her and everything she’s feeling all at once.

She paces back and forth, from one wall and then back again. Over and over until finally she stops for a moment to open a damn window, unconcerned with any of the sounds of the county or the bugs that might fly in. If the Peggies and the Montana wildlife can’t kill her, then it’s definitely going to be all of this new stress that will. She takes a deep breath, filling her lungs with crisp, cool air, and then releasing it slowly as she counts down from ten. Sharky should have been home twenty minutes earlier, like he said he would be, but instead he’s somewhere between wherever Jess is holed up in the mountains, and the little house they’re squatting in because no one cares so much about property these days.

It was only supposed to be a short trip to drop off Boomer, but if she finds out he took a detour to drink with Hurk then he’s going to be sleeping on the couch until he’s an old man.

“Sharky Boshaw, I swear…” she mutters, walking over to the fridge to pull out some cold, leftover pizza from the night before. It only takes a few bites before she regrets her choice, her stomach completely unable to handle the pizza monstrosity Sharky had invented. She swallows reluctantly as she grabs for a glass of water to wash away the questionable taste and sudden nausea. “Fuck.” The cloying atmosphere of the house mixed with her her newfound urge to curl up on the floor aren’t helping matters at all.

Mostly she really just wants Sharky to come home before she loses her mind to the impossible scenarios she’s trying not to concoct inside her head.

Becca turns on her heel and walks back into the living room, dropping down into a sprawl on the old and worn couch. It’s not very comfortable, she’s pretty sure the thing is at least as old as she is, and there’s a spring digging into her back, but it’s better than pacing the house like a caged wild animal just waiting for Sharky to return. She groans, rolling onto her side, feeling absolutely ridiculous for acting the way that she is, though she thinks her excuse for that is reasonable. “Fucking hormones.”

There’s a sound like tires running over gravel and the telltale unpleasant creak of Sharky’s truck coming to a stop on the driveway outside. First thing they’re going to do after torching the couch is to get a new car that isn’t constantly seconds away from falling apart. They really can’t take the risk of driving something so dangerous anymore. She sits up as the door is pushed open and tries to school her face into something pleasantly neutral, though she’s sure the anxiety shows.

“Hey babe,” Sharky says, kicking his shoes off into the corner and shutting the door behind him. “You look...annoyed, I think? Why do you look like that? What happened? Was it something I did, because if it was the thing about how I was telling everyone that you have the best ass in the county, then I agree you have the right to be mad, but I stand by what I said.”

“You…” Becca has to think that one over for a moment, just to work it all out in her head. “No, that’s okay,” she says eventually, because it’s true anyway. “I’ve been waiting for you to get back; what took so long?”

“Truck wouldn’t start,” Sharky says, “I think it might not be very good-- might even be some kind of health and safety hazard that maybe we shouldn’t be driving. There’s a weird smell coming from it whenever the engine is on and the steering wheel gets too hot to touch.”

Becca considers that carefully and decides that is definitely something they’re going to come back to later because she’d really like for both of them to be alive for a while. She is not going to let Sharky die to some weird attachment to a car they found abandoned on the side of the road a month ago. “Sit down, I gotta talk to you,” she says, trying not to sound so dire that she scares him out of the house before they even get a chance to talk. “It’s nothing bad or anything-- Sharky just-- will you please stop looking like you’re about to panic?”

Sharky runs a hand through his hair, knocking his hat to the ground. “You can’t just say we gotta talk and expect me not to panic a little.”

“Well I did, so sit.”

Sharky falls to the couch beside her, keeping just the slightest distance, and Becca takes another steadying breath. For all that she was stressing over what she was going to say to him, she never actually prepared anything for when he was finally home. “So, uh--” she starts, searching for the right words and failing to find any-- “how do you feel about kids?”

“I don’t have any secret ones running around, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“What?” Becca doesn’t really know how to respond to that. “Why would I-- what?”

“Well yeah,” Sharky says. “Hurk told me about how sometimes that happens, and I just want you to know that there are absolutely no Sharky Jrs out there, coming to surprise us one day when we least expect it.”

Becca nods along like she’s following any of that, more than a little worried about Hurk’s wild stories, but glad at least that Sharky hasn’t been hiding a secret family from her. Which, up until this moment, wasn’t even a concern. “How would you feel if there were Sharky Jrs? If there was maybe one, specific little Sharky Jr?”

“Babe, I promise you, I have no kids.”

“No, that’s not--” She takes his face between her hands so that she’s looking him straight in the eyes before she speaks again. “Sharky, I’m pregnant.”

His eyes go wide with shock, and then he glances down toward her stomach for a long stretch of seconds where she can tell he’s trying to work it all out in his head. “You’re what?”

“Pregnant,” Becca repeats softly. “We’re having a baby.”

“A baby.”

“Yep.” Becca shifts closer to him, pressing herself against his side. “I took a test,” she says, “and then I took five more tests just to be sure.” In case it was a false positive, she didn’t want to have this conversation only for it to turn out that she was wrong.

“A baby,” Sharky says again, quiet and careful, like he’s testing the idea out in his mind. “You and me are going to have a baby. We’re going to be parents. With a baby.”

“That’s usually how it works.”

“Little Extreme Wolverine Boshaw.”

“Absolutely not.”

Sharky sighs, and glances over at her. “That’s only if it’s a girl,” he says. “If it’s a boy I’m thinking Flames Explosion Boshaw.”

Becca laughs in spite of herself and leans in to kiss him because she loves Sharky more than anything in the world and the anxiety she felt over telling him she was pregnant turned out to be for nothing. “I love you, Charlemagne Victor Boshaw the third, and I’m so happy to have your baby.” Her throat feels a little tight with the emotions she’s trying to hold back; the last thing she wants to do now is start crying.

“I fucking love you,” he says, grabbing her hands and looking happier than she’s ever seen him, including those times he and Hurk got access to Peggie weaponry and the complete breakdown in Hope County law enforcement meant no one could stop them from doing anything stupid with it. “My babe is having my baby.” He stands up and pulls her to her feet, twirling her around the room in time with a song only he seems to hear, though whatever it is feels slow and intimate. “We’re going to be the best, most amazing, parents ever. Nothing like mine and I’m-- I’ll teach our kid how to play catch or how to safely, and effectively, avoid getting caught by the cops.”

“Sharky…”

“But only once they’re old enough,” he adds, pressing a quick kiss to her temple.

Which she is definitely going to talk him out of long before their kid can even walk, but she’ll let him live in that fantasy for now. Though there is the somewhat worrying thought that their kid will be the perfect mix of both of them, and no one in the county will be safe, but that’s a problem for another day.

“We’re going to be parents,” she says as the reality of the situation finally starts to sink in. They’re going to be responsible for another, smaller, human, and they’re going to shower it in so much love that their kid will never know what it’s like to want for anything. She can’t fucking wait.

“Becca,” he says, “babe,” and he scoops her up into his arms and carries her down the hall to their bedroom. “I’m going to treat you so good and little Flamethrower Clutch Nixon Boshaw--”

“No.”

“--is going to be the happiest, healthiest baby this county has ever seen.” He drops her onto the bed where she bounces on the mattress once before settling against the blankets with a laugh. “Damn, you’re so beautiful,” he grabs at her jeans, doing his best to rip them off, and is careful to remove her underwear too, “and you’re gonna look even better when you start to show.”

Becca sits up a little to help Sharky get her shirt and bra off, and pulls him down into a kiss that leaves her breathless, before she falls back with a groan as she feels his thick fingers pressing at her entrance. It’s only enough to tease, to make her want more, but she knows exactly what it’s going to lead to. “Come on,” she says, with just a hint of frustration, “don’t go slow.” She’s already wet and aching for him from just the light touches he’s giving her. Usually she doesn’t react to him this quickly unless they’ve just been through some cult bullshit and she needs him right then and there, to remind her that they’re both alive. But maybe that’s sort of what this is too. She groans, rocking her hips down, and finally feeling the slow push of his fingers pressing inside.

“I’m gonna make you feel so good,” he says, running a hand down her chest and resting his open palm on her stomach for just a moment, with a look of absolute wonder on his face. “I can’t fucking believe…” He brushes his thumb over her clit, rubbing in little circles that send shivers up her spine, and leans down to take one of her nipples into his mouth, sucking gently and making her back arch up, pressing against him.

Her breath hitches and he catches another moan in a kiss, cupping her jaw in the sweetest touch, before he starts to slide down the length of her body until he’s positioned between her legs. His fingers move in and out of her in a slow rhythm meant to drive her crazy. She squirms and gasps, he entire body feeling like a livewire at the first brush of his tongue over her clit, but he remains gentle the entire time.

She whines, rocking her hips, trying to chase the feeling of his mouth on her and his fingers inside of her, desperate for more. The position isn’t great, but she can’t focus enough to do more than bring one leg up to brace herself on the bed, digging her heel into the mattress, and spreading herself open for him. She reaches down, one hand grabbing at his hair with a need to touch him, already feeling so close to the edge. Her muscles tense and her breathing becomes ragged, and every sense narrows down to feeling of his tongue running over her clit.

“I want you to come,” he says, fucking her with his fingers and pressing one hand to her thigh to hold her in place so that she can’t try to take more than he’s giving.

Becca moans, tearing at the blankets under her as her mouth drops open and her eyes slip shut. Her muscles tense and jump, and every nerve in her body lights up she comes, shaking apart under Sharky’s careful attentions.

“There you go, Chica,” he says, pressing his lips to her hip, and easing his fingers out of her. He pulls back, wiping at his mouth, before he stands up and strips off his own clothes in what has to be record time. He looks at her for a moment, his face the perfect expression of love. “How did I get so lucky?” he asks, climbing back onto the bed and helping her roll onto her stomach, and then up onto her knees.

She wants him deep inside of her, fucking her hard, and even when he wants to tease her he’s still so eager to give her everything that she wants. The anticipation is killing her as he takes his time to line up his cock with her entrance, and push in so, so slow, making her feel every inch of him stretching her wide and so damn full. His cock drags against her inner walls until she’s shaking with need once more. It’s only been a day since they’ve last done this and yet it feels like it’s been ages and she’s discovering what it’s like to have him inside of her all over again.

“Don’t go slow,” she says, and Sharky, eager to comply, pulls out just enough so that he can slam back in, rocking her forward and setting up a pace that leaves Becca feeling like she’s just barely holding on.

He takes hold of her hips, fingers pressing into her skin, and fucks her hard enough that the entire bed shakes with each thrust. It has her breathless and gives her the passing thought that they should probably get a new bed soon, too.

She drops to her forearms and moves her hand down the bed so she can touch herself, unwilling and unable to take things even half as slow as they’ve been going. She might still be buzzing from her last orgasm, but it’s not enough. The room is filled with the embarassing, wet sounds of his cock inside of her, and the harsh rasps of their breathing, and Becca can feel herself growing wetter with each snap of his hips.

“Sharky,” she says, trying to urge him on, but it comes out barely more than a whisper, because it’s all caught in her throat, only escaping in soft gasps with every push. Her fingers spasm on her clit, out of sync with his movements, but that hardly matters when every slide of his cock has her shaking with need.

“I ain't gonna last,” he says, fucking her like it’s the last chance he’ll ever get, even when she’s already starting to think about putting him on his back and riding him for hours. “Fuck, fuck.” He lifts her up so that her back is pressed to his chest and he can splay one hand over her stomach so he can hit deeper. The hand on her hip moves up to her breast as he kisses her shoulder, then her neck, and then he moves his hand again to her jaw, and tips her head to the side so he can brush his lips over hers. “I love you.”

Becca’s release hits her then and she sobs as it rips through her, leaving her weak in his arms and a shivering mess desperate for Sharky to follow her. She clenches around him and reaches back to pull him closer to her, and lets him take what he needs until finally he loses himself inside of her with a moan.

“Fuck,” he says again, pressing his forehead to her spine and touching at where they’re connected, making her gasp at the light brush of his fingers at her entrance, before he slowly pulls out. “I’m never gonna get used to that.” He eases her down to the bed, pushing the now damp blanket off to the side, and curls up beside her. “So I’m thinking after we have a round two, you let me make you some dinner-- I got a recipe from my Nana that I’ve been saving for a special occasion and it doesn’t get any more special than this-- and then we light off some fireworks and go for a round three under the stars.”

She knocks the back of her hand against his ribs, still trying to catch her breath. “You’re such a romantic,” she says with a laugh. But if she’s being honest with herself, she really can’t think of a better way for them to spend the night. “I can’t believe we’re having a baby.”

“A little of me and all of the best parts of you.”

“Best parts of both of us.”

“It’ll be amazing,” he says, “because you’re the smartest, funniest, most beautiful person I know.”

Becca can’t tell if it’s the hormones, or that she’s with the love of her life, or they they’re having a baby together, but she’s so happy and her heart is so filled with love that she has to tuck her face against his chest before she starts to cry. They’re going to be a great family and their kid is going to have the best life she and Sharky can give them, no matter what. “I love you, Sharky, and I can’t wait to have this baby with you.”

[douxreviews]

Legends of Tomorrow - ‘The Getaway’ Review

"My friends and I here are time travelers, we’ve kidnapped Nixon and we’re headed to Disneyworld."

The Legends serve up a giant sugary treat to help us get down a couple of awkward bitter pills. They don't need to get to Disneyworld, we're on an emotional rollercoaster already.

See what I did there?

There is a philosophy of screen-writing that, if at all possible, having the protagonist confront their emotional problem should be the solution to solving whatever their plot-related problem might be. See, for example, Craig Owens defusing a spaceship by declaring his unspoken love, or more subtly, Willow's lies finally being brought to light curing the Scooby Gang's amnesia.

It's easy to see this as being formulaic, but really it's just a matter of solid storytelling and remembering to give your narrative an emotional core. With the caveat that if it's done too awkwardly it's a one way ticket to schmaltz-town. See, for example, Craig Owen blowing up Cybermen with the power of father-love.

So, when I observe that this episode of Legends of Tomorrow is a textbook example of solid comedy overlaid onto a situation wherein one character is avoiding dealing with the emotional consequences of recent events, only to pivot to heartbreaking pain and reconciliations as the characters learn to honestly deal with their emotions, that's not a criticism. Doing that kind of thing well is a real skill, and they pull it off here quite well. Again, "Tabula Rasa" is a great example of the all-comedy to suddenly-way-too-real-drama pivot. It's done badly much more often than it's done well, so what we have here is well worth praising.

It helps enormously that the jokes in the jokey parts are pretty much all laugh-out-loud funny. The swallowable bug that makes you tell only the truth is 100% uncut phlebotinum, but it's grade-A phlebotinum, and it leads to Mick Rory confessing his desire to grow out his hair like Fabio, so let's all agree to cherish it forever. The phlebotinum-iness of it is made even more easy to take due to the fact that it's only used to cause Sara to blurt out those hurtful truths to Mona, which drives Mona away from the team. The painful truths that Sara has to confront to fix the situation, in which she both confesses how much she's hurt by the loss of Ava and how much she's failed Mona by not being there for her are all completely coming from herself and her own heart, which gives them genuine emotion and validity far beyond 'magic made me say it' plot contrivances.

The takeaway here, future screenwriters, is that you can only use the phlebotinum for the jokes. The genuine emotional responses have to be just that – genuine. I promise that that's the last time I will use the term phlebotinum in this review.

But we have to also acknowledge something about this episode. All the jokes and the post-breakup heartache and teambuilding are at least partially on display here to help us to get past the one, big, awkward, clunky plot correction that this episode needed to make happen.

This was the episode that needed to make Hank Heywood not the villain of the season anymore.

It will be interesting, later on, to find out exactly when and to what extent the plans for the season changed, but it seems abundantly clear that change they did. The Hank of the first half of the season was an unmitigated bastard, with the occasional moment of charm. He was being built up to be the face of the 'government turns monsters into evil monster soldiers' plotline. At least, it seems reasonably clear that that was what was happening to the monsters. That wasn't a spoiler, just my assumption about what Hank was doing with the monsters when he had them tortured. However, at some point they appear to have decided that Hank needed to be redeemed, and so we do a lot of back-paddling here in a short space of time to justify Hank suddenly deciding to let the Legends go when he finally had them dead to rights in order to make things right with his son.

Now, that's a fair story to tell, and I think they would have pulled it off easily if that's where they'd been intending to go all along. But here, in this episode, it feels very much like a retcon/course correction, and I just didn't buy it. Having the demon Neron in Dez' body kill Hank immediately after his redemption, and setting up things so that Nate thinks Nora killed him, thereby setting up a Nate/Hank rift, just felt contrived to me. I'm sorry about that, because the rest of this episode was fantastic, but there it is.

Still, we shouldn't complain too much over one awkward bit of plot housekeeping. It was great to see all the Legends together, more or less, and a road trip in an RV was just what they needed.

Aim for the horsies!  Wait... .wrong show...

So what have we learned today?

We've learned to stop asking questions, since nobody seems to care about causality anymore. The Legends can watch Nixon's 'incorrect' version of the 'Not A Crook' speech from a future vantage point, then go back to change it so it doesn't happen. But then Mona becoming a were-kaupe in the middle of a restaurant goes totally unnoticed by history, not to mention the theft of an RV and a patrol car.

I don't know, I think maybe I should just enjoy having a show with time travel in it that doesn't get too concerned about temporal physics. As the MST3K them song so eloquently stated, 'If you're wondering where he eats or sleeps, or other science facts/ Then repeat to yourself, "it's just a show, I should really just relax."'

Sound advice.

Everybody remember where we parked.

Nixon's famous 'I am not a crook' quote was from a televised Q & A that was, in fact, at Disneyworld on November 17, 1973. The Legends pick Nixon up pre-emptively in Washington D.C. a few days before that, but apparently Nixon's truth telling was already an observed problem by the White House staff. We hope that after the events shown they got around to going back for Charlie. The running joke of realizing that they'd forgotten her was very, very funny. I'd forgotten her too, the first time it came up.

The Time Bureau still appears to be in 2018, although they didn't directly say so. Zari once again appears to be a conduit between the 2018 Bureau and wherever in time the Legends are at the time. It's just a show. I should really just relax.

Abrupt redemption arcs can be quite painful.

Quotes:

Mick: "What? No Redford? No Sundance. No indie film. No artful nudity. We gotta fix this!"

Gary: "I’ve always wanted to untangle a conspiracy. I’ll need a bulletin board… index cards… I already have yarn, I’ve been getting into crochet." Zari: "Yeah? Me too." Gary: "We should start a club." Zari: "We’ll talk."

Mona: "Grrr."

Agent: "Here that? The truth. Something is very wrong with the President."

Hank: "Siri… Alexa… Gideon! Fire up the ship!"

John: "A bit on the nose, no?" Sara: "We left subtle back in Mexico."

Mona: "You know, I’ve never been in a car that’s a room before."

John: "Not to bother you, but we’ve lost the ship, drugged the President, and I’m stuck in the back with her."

Sara: "Maybe it’s best if we all just don’t talk."

Sara: "Maybe that’s what family is – the family you don’t mind being annoyed by."

Bits and pieces:

-- The group truth telling scene was comedy gold.

-- It looks like they're definitely setting up Zari and Nate as a couple. Sigh. Oh well, I'll learn to live with it.

-- We finally get a Ray and Mick pairing on their own mission, and we barely get to see any of it. That was disappointing.

-- No Ava this week. I wonder if that was for the plot convenience of Hank being in charge, or if Jes Macallan had another commitment. It was probably the right choice to take her completely off the board while we process things with Sara.

-- Several clever plot details this week. Zari's solution to communicating with the RV and Nate's plan for getting Hank's password were both nicely done.

-- This was the first time they've found a way to use Charlie's powers that didn't make her feel too powerful to be part of the team.

-- Whoever's idea it was for all of them to have changed into t-shirts that read,  'Barnes family vacation – Our family is a trip!' should be given anything they ask for, immediately.

-- John's little 'not really a speech' to Sara was a nice bit of dialogue writing.

-- Having a were-kaupe on the team who retains their personality and reason and who can transform on command kind of works.

-- Despite the way she was set up for being blamed for Hank's death being a little contrived, I like the way they got Nora back onto the board here. I hope they don't go the obvious route with Nate wanting revenge.

-- Did they ever give even a handwave explanation for why Zari is working at the Bureau and not on the Waverider now? I mean, from the Bureau's perspective. I get from Zari's point of view why she's there.

So much funny. So much emotional honestly. Just a little bit of clunky plot mechanics.

Three out of four forbidden red toilet buttons.

Mikey Heinrich is, among other things, a freelance writer, volunteer firefighter, and roughly 78% water.

[munchflix]

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M:  I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[citizendino]

Nixon Regulus Failure

What a decision making shit show. Jesus. So, as you know over the lockdown I became very interested in watches and the strange world around watches. And I bought my dream watch. During this time I became aware that I might be outgrowing my beloved Timex Ironman. A product that has literally been with me since age 15, and is part of my world view. Last year at some point I bought my first G Shock, and it was cool, but the buttons were terrible. I tried to take it apart and correct it, but ended up breaking it and throwing it away. But, in the last 12 months Timex has not released any Ironman informaiton. In the culture of the times, you would think they social media pipeline would have had more in it, so i got anxious. I had planned to whittle my watch possessions down to 3. My Willard (my dream watch), a digital, and a Swatch Revival. All of them are waterproof, inexpensive, and durable. So I was set. Ultimately I have come to terms with the fact that I only like 1 design of G Shock, and I already bought that and it failed, so I was casting about for another idea, and I came back to Nixon. I have a Nixon watch, from about 15 or 20 years ago when my friend Jason owned a skateshop. They were an amazing brand who had chosen to market watches to the alternative sports area. Jason gave me one as a thank you for helping. It had a metal band, so it just went in the desk and I never wore it. I was a resin watch band guy. But, I wanted a digital watch, was hesitant about a G Shock, Timex had not done anything compelling in a year, so I was looking at Nixon and they had made a watch called the Regulus, and honestly it looked awesome. Square, durable, large face, good lume. Had some tie to Nathan Fletcher, and the Spec Ops community (though I am not a fetishist). So, it was what I was looking for, but it was more than I wanted to spend. I dropped a bunch on the Willard, and the G Shock I liked was like 50 bucks, and the Timex was even less. So, putting 150 or so into a digital watch was not my thing. But the watch stayed in my head. And I eventually found one of the colorways on ebay that I liked, and the guy selling it cut me a deal, and so I was more likely to buy it, and I did. I pulled the trigger. Bought it, and it came, and in 10 minutes I knew it was a mistake. The watch design and build was perfect, exactly what I wanted. But, it had a negative display that was darker than I had hoped. And I could not find a way to change it. So within 15 minutes I contacted the seller to return it. He was cool and is going to take it back. Nixon makes on with a positive display, and I would love that. But, not now. It is funny how terrible I am (I just ate a bug) at these little decisions. I mean, I can afford the watch, but I was super upset about it. Not the money, but because I had to do all this work to take care of this and get it out of my house. I felt ashamed to have made a mistake like this, even if no one knew about it until I started typing on tumblr. I like the Nixon Regulus, I just cannot own negative displays. And I probably should deviate from the Timex Ironman, too much pain in that change.

[back-and-totheleft]

After the Fall

In Oliver Stone’s new film, World Trade Center, a rescue worker stands atop a pile of steaming rubble, planning his descent into the inferno below. “I need a medic up here,” he yells. “Anybody a medic?”

“I used to be a medic,” comes a voice from the darkness.

A tiny figure scrambles up the base of the hill like a large bug. As he passes into the light, we see that it’s Frank Whaley, an actor who got his start with appearances in Stone’s Born on the Fourth of July, The Doors and JFK.

“My license lapsed,” the figure says. “I had a few bad years. But I’m good.”

Such is the legacy of Stone — a towering figure in modern film who always seems to be wrangling his own personal demons — that it is almost impossible not to read a scene like that autobiographically. A three-time Oscar winner as both writer (Midnight Express) and director (Platoon and Born on the Fourth of July), Stone has spent much of the past dozen years surrounded by controversy or chaos: His satirical tabloid blitzkrieg Natural Born Killers caused novelist John Grisham to accuse him of engendering real-life murders. Nixon, his oddly sympathetic portrait of the ex-president, eluded liberals and conservatives alike. The jumpy, kinetic editing style he employed in the day-for-noir U Turn and the pro-football pageant Any Given Sunday inspired longtime Stone critic Elvis Mitchell to label the latter “the world’s first ADD epic.”

Then the first of two HBO documentaries (Comandante) on Fidel Castro was shelved for being too sympathetic, while a subsequent portrait of Yasser Arafat (Persona Non Grata) saw Stone’s crew fleeing Ramallah four hours before the Israeli army attacked the Palestinian leader’s compound. (A third film, expected to profile either Kim Jong-Il or Saddam Hussein, was canceled.) He has been arrested twice — in 1999 and 2005 — for DUI and possession of marijuana, respectively. During an appearance at HBO’s “Making Movies That Matter” panel at Lincoln Center in October 2001, he allegedly made inflammatory remarks regarding the September 11 attacks, earning him scorn and ridicule in The New Yorker and elsewhere. Most painfully, when Stone, in 2004, finally realized his 20-year obsession to make Alexander, a sweeping history of Alexander the Great filmed on three continents, the film failed to find a domestic audience.

Now comes World Trade Center, a delicate, contained and extremely powerful evocation of our 2001 national trauma, starring Nicolas Cage and Michael Peña as John McLoughlin and Will Jimeno, New York City Port Authority cops who were miraculously excavated from beneath the glowing rubble of Building No. 7. In an odd way, it brings Stone’s career full circle: His first student film, Last Year in Viet Nam, made at NYU in 1970 (for film professor Martin Scorsese), opens with a panorama of southern Manhattan and what would have been the Twin Towers, except that they weren’t completed until January 1972. But in another respect, World Trade Center may be Stone’s most subversive film yet — a rousing, populist, patriotic adventure story that kicks the legs out from under the right-wing criticism marshaled against him. It could prove the ultimate irony that the bête noire of American conservatives — the man who profiled right-wing death squads in Salvador, My Lai–like atrocities in Platoon, hostile takeovers in Wall Street, the anti-war movement in Born on the Fourth of July and, most notably, the fecund proliferation of Kennedy-assassination conspiracy theories in JFK — may find his most enthusiastic audience among the very partisans who have heretofore decried his lifetime of work. As no less a cultural observer than Mel Gibson said of Stone in the 1997 thriller Conspiracy Theory, “He’s a disinformation junkie for them. The fact that he’s still alive says it all. He probably should be dead, but he’s not.”

In person, Stone has an infectious laugh, seems genuinely engaged and takes the full measure of my questions before answering, at which point his ideas often come so fast they seem to be skipping across the surface of the conversation. He’s also the most fun kind of intellectual, in that he perpetually appears to be trying to figure himself out. Briefly a classmate of George W. Bush’s at Yale, he seems — at least on the evidence of our wide-ranging, three-hour discussion — to have absorbed a good deal more of its freshman syllabus. We spoke at his West L.A. editing suite, where he is currently preparing a three-hour, 45-minute DVD-only “road show” version of Alexander, complete with intermission.

L.A. WEEKLY: Where were you on the morning of September 11, 2001?

OLIVER STONE: L.A. Asleep. My wife put the TV on.

And what did you think was happening?

It was sensational. It was exciting. It was horrifying. It reminded me in its barbarity and ferocity of the French Revolution — the tumbrels, heads falling. And I had feelings of anger in me, and vengeance. I had a fight with my son, actually, because he was much more objective about it: “How do you know? Don’t assume anything. You’re acting like the mob.” But there were other feelings as well. You know, I realize I’m an older person; I’ve seen Vietnam and a lot of death and shit. Oklahoma City was horrible. JFK’s assassination. Watergate. The 2000 election. We’ve been through our times of shit in this country, so this was another version.

World Trade Centeris very powerful — emotionally powerful. I had a very visceral reaction to it.I think it’s obviously the film, but it’s also more than the film — it’s the fact that the subject matter is so loaded. If you make a film about fire jumpers, and a fire jumper comes to see it, he’ll say, “Well, you got this part right, you got this part wrong.’?” With this film, we’re all fire jumpers. It’s also very different from a lot of your other films — it’s gentle and contained and quiet. I’m wondering if you had to devise a different approach because the subject matter was so delicate.

I just want to say first that the way I look at myself — it’s not necessarily in the result — but with every film, I really have made an effort to make each one an island unto itself in this little sea that we go around in our ships. And every island has been a destination, a stop for a period of time. I’ve tried to take a different style for every film, because it’s the story that comes first, and the subject dictates the style. Even with something like Natural Born Killers, which seems very stylistic and eccentric, it’s still the content that I think is valid and important. With this film, certain things presented themselves: Obviously, the sensitivities of everyone involved, but ultimately that’s the sky around the project. With JFK, for instance, there were his children to think of, Jackie was still alive, Teddy Kennedy. Blowing his head off in Dealey Plaza didn’t go down well with them either. But there was a bigger story to tell.

Here we were limited by movement, so we worked out a style by which, methodically, the film would go in and out of light: Light would fight with the dark, or rather, light would try to make it up to the dark. Claustrophobia is an issue with a film like this. I did Talk Radio, so I know that feeling of being on one set the whole time. Also, Born on the Fourth of July: That was a very contained movie, in a way, because we had a young man in a wheelchair in the second half, where there’s very little movement. When I read this script, I said, “How do we make this movie watchable? How do we make the tension manageable for a mainstream audience?”

It may surprise a lot of people that you’re not using a lot of shock cuts, moving around inside the frame — what you’ve termed your “cubist” style.

Well, where can you move in a hole? A hole is limited. Finding the right point of view in the hole is crucial.

You once said about Platoon?, “I felt like if I didn’t do it now, I’m going to forget.” We’re five years out from 9/11 now, and there is much public hand-wringing about whether it’s too soon yet to deal with this subject matter.

I think it’s a bogus question. The consequences of that day are far worse today. More people have died since then because of the war on terror. There’s more war, there’s more fear, and there is constitutional breakdown left and right. Have the good sense to go to the psychiatrist quickly. If you’ve been raped, talk to somebody about what that day itself was like before you build up all this armor.

You pursued this film, correct?

Yes. Petitioned. My agent, Bryan Lourd, a man of taste, said to me, “Look, I read this script two weeks ago — it stays with me, it’s emotional. I don’t know if it will make a dime, I don’t know if I can get it financed, but just read it.” So I read it, and I said, “My God, I never thought of this — to do 2001 this way.” I knew [World Trade Center producers] Michael Shamberg and Stacy Sher. But no one would make it; Universal dropped it at the [proposed] budget. I was doing other things, I wasn’t stopping my life. But then it came back around. Paramount was just coming into being [under new management]. We were very lucky, because that new studio energy was coming in, and they wanted to make it so badly that it happened right away.

And did you talk with the producers about politics — if there would be a political viewpoint that informed the story?

There was no room for it, because John McLoughlin and Will Jimeno were not interested in politics, per se. They don’t talk about politics like you and I do. Their lives are not determined by it; they live according to what is given them. So it never entered into the equation. I loved the script [by Andrea Berloff] as it was. I loved the inspiration of the story. So I vowed to stay inside those parameters.

New York is probably the most liberal city in America, and yet the 9/11 attack has been so politicized, its imagery considered so proprietary, that right-wing skepticism has been mounting steadily against you since this project was announced. A story in The New York Times said the film is being strategically marketed to right-wing opinion leaders using the PR firm that advised the Swift Boat Veterans group. It even quoted the conservative National Review Web site as saying, “God Bless Oliver Stone.”

I knew [the studio] was doing grassroots marketing to everybody — Hispanics, cops, firemen, teachers, church groups. I didn’t know that they had hired a specific firm; I found out that day. I’m pleased they like it, because it goes beyond politics.

Could you foresee a left-wing backlash against the film?

If people on the right are responding with their hearts, I’m all for it. But if they’re making it into a political statement, it’s wrong. Those on the left might say, “Oh, this is a simplified context, and these are simplistic working-class values. You’re not showing a wider political context.” Or secondly, that we’re sentimentalizing the event — which would be unfair, because I think there’s a lot of grit there. But this is a populist film. We’ve said that from the beginning. In our hearts, it was a Frank Capra type of movie. And he didn’t necessarily get great notices.

In an odd way, I was reminded of Preston Sturges Hail the Conquering Hero — a wartime comedy that pokes fun at the notion of patriotism and, by extension, patriotic movies but which, by the end, almost subversively, fills you with this patriotic fervor. I’m wondering if you see this as your “Nixon in China” moment: Only the director of Nixon and JFK could get away with a film where the most heroic character is an ex-Marine who consults with his pastor before putting himself in harm’s way.

That character, Dave Karnes, is an unlikely hero. He goes to church — that’s a documented thing; he checks with his pastor in a born-again church before he goes down to Manhattan. He evaded the authorities. Get it done; that’s a Marine thing. I think you can argue that the Marine is an ambivalent character, because at the end of the movie, this sense of vengeance is what fuels the wrong war in Iraq.

But for him it’s the right war.

For him it’s the right war. That’s correct. I think if you really look at JFK or at Nixon, which are the two political films I did uncensored in my career — which is amazing unto itself — JFK is neither right nor left, and was attacked equally by the left, who did not like the Kennedy figure of 1963. It was done in the centrist tradition of American dissent: It questioned government and the authority of government. So I was taken aback that the right made such a big issue out of it. I suppose, because they were in office [when the film came out]. But they had never done that historically. They would have been on the side of the investigation; [Barry] Goldwater may well have been. JFK was not a bunch of fantasies strung together. It involved an enormous amount of research — as much as World Trade Center, if not more.

You could make the same argument about Nixon. You took the dominant political figure in our lifetime and gave him the Shakespearean treatment his life cried out for.

It was a psychological point of view. The right wing thought it was going to be a hatchet job; instead, it made him a human being. Unfortunately, in my career, I have spoken out between films, and that’s what’s gotten confused with the films themselves. I think the focus has been lost. Somewhere along the line, I guess, I said, “Look: I’m a filmmaker, but I’m also John Q. Citizen, and things piss me off. I have a right to say, if people ask me and they’re interested, what I fucking think.” And that’s the line I’ve always gotten in trouble with. It’s always between the films, if you look at the statements I’ve made. There’s nothing in the films themselves, as far as I know, that’s really offensive politically.

How much of the criticism against you do you think is organized for partisan political gain?

I’ve always wondered that — especially in the ’90s, after the JFK situation. You have to wonder: Will it come out one day in a government file? You hear about those programs from the ’50s and the ’60s. I was so grateful that Michael Moore came along. He helped me.

He seems to enjoy it. Maybe it’s the counterpart to how the left treats Charlton Heston.

Charlton Heston once said in an interview, “People like Oliver Stone would never hire me in the new Hollywood.” And I went out of my way on Any Given Sunday to hire him. I loved him. I said, “Forget politics, I love your character.” Political reputation pigeonholes you, and in a society that’s very busy, it’s an easy way to get rid of having to think too much about people and what they’re saying. I’m a dramatist; I’m a humanist. I protest.

There’s one line in World Trade Center — I think we hear it on a TV monitor in an office at the Port Authority — where the announcer says, “. . . the shock of the explosion that was coincidental with the two towers coming down,” and then you move on to something else. Was the suggestion that an unexplained explosion might have accompanied the towers’ demise the one seed of doubt you intentionally planted in an otherwise apolitical movie?

Well, I think that all reality is questionable, as you know. Frankly, I’m not an expert on that at all. And I haven’t pursued it, because I think the consequences of where we are now are far worse. But even if there was a conspiracy, it wouldn’t change where we are now. We’re into another place, where there’s more war, more terror, more bankruptcy, more debt, above all more constitutional breakdown and more fear than ever before. That’s very serious. And we’re on the edge of possibly something bigger and very dangerous. Richard Clarke’s book [Against All Enemies: Inside America’s War on Terror], at least, is about a true conspiracy that we know existed, of a small group who took over the government and did it their way — manipulated, created the war. It’s 30 or 40 people, right?

Sy Hersh says it’s 11 guys.

It was a conspiracy, and it was basically at the top. It’s Cheney and Rumsfeld influencing Bush. Cheney and Rumsfeld go back to the Ford administration, and when they got their way, they kicked butt. That’s a great story. But that’s not even all of it. When you’ve got a guy like Representative Pete Hoekstra from Michigan, who was a friend of the Bush administration — who had approved of the Patriot Act, the eavesdropping, the taxes, the bank records, all of it — saying in the press that there’s something worse that he’s pissed off about, because they hadn’t consulted him. Something worse? I mean, all the cards are not on the table, right? This is a big story. And we’re living it. How can you write about it? We’re fucking rocking in the boat. It’s like trying to write a great war novel when you might be going into World War II.

Were you at Yale the same time Bush was?

I was in the same class, yeah. I don’t remember him. I was never in a fraternity. I went twice — I dropped out one year and then went back for half of a second year and dropped out.

But at one point Bush requested to meet you, didn’t he?

Yeah, I met him. It was a political breakfast speech here in California at a club, the Republican right wing. They invited me — they’ve always had fun with me, I don’t know why — and it was a big hotel room and a speech about tough love and justice in Texas. He was governor then, around ’98 or so. I swear, I knew in that room on that day that he was going to be president. There was just no question. He had that confidence, and they adored him. There was an organized love for him. He asked for me to come up to the podium and we had a one-on-one. I was in the Bush spotlight — that thing where he stares at you and he gets to know you a little bit.

Assigns you a nickname.

There was one funny line. He knew I’d been in Vietnam. Actually, I didn’t know he’d been at Yale. He told me he’d been in my class; it was a surprise to me. But then he said he’d had a buddy who had been to Vietnam who’d been killed. “Buddy,” he said. It was funny — it was on his mind, he raised it. And it was the way he looked at me: I just felt like, boy, I bet you he’d rather his buddy had come home than me. But he was very friendly, very charming — a very sociable man.

Have you ever thought about going into politics — running for office? Would you consider doing that in a later part of your life?

Not seriously, no.

Orson Welles wrote a weekly political newspaper column during WWII — he was friends with FDR through Sumner Welles, a distant relative of his and a presidential adviser, and at one point he considered running for the Senate from California or his native Wisconsin.

Politics is about raising money and being popular and shaking a lot of hands and spending a lot of time with people. Those are not my strengths. It would be exhausting and would completely destroy my ability to do what I do.

You were pro-Vietnam before you enlisted in the infantry, right? You were fairly conservative?

Yes.

So we could say that you spent the entire 1960s across the political divide from most of what you’ve now come to stand for?

My story is complicated. I did write a novel about being 19 called A Child’s Night Dream. My parents divorced when I was 14, and being the only child, there was no family to go back to. Basically, going to Vietnam was really throwing myself to the wolves. It was a form of rebellion and suicide.

I’ve read a quote to the effect of “I felt like I had to atone for the act of imagination.” Was it actually the failure of the novel that sent you over the edge?

After I left Yale the second time and finished the novel — I was writing the novel instead of going to class, and that’s why I flunked out — my father was supporting me, and that’s an impossible situation: 19 years old, your father is furious at you for the tuition that he’s lost, and you’re living in his apartment trying to finish a novel. It’s like Jack Kerouac moving back home with his mother. But I really believed in it: I was insane with passion. It was the only thing I had. I had no woman friends in my life. I had nothing to support me beyond that. And when that failed, I went into the Army with the idea of “Let God sort it out, whoever I am.” It’s egregious to think that you can be on the level of Mailer or any of your heroes — Hemingway, or Joyce; I was into Joyce heavily at the time.

Part of the fun of watching someone like you working without a net, from a distance, is charting the rises and falls of your career. And sometimes there are films that don’t hit right, that suffer because of the moment or the context — the sky around it, as you put it. I’m thinking specifically of Nixon, which was a commercial failure, but seems to get more sophisticated every time I see it. Or, more recently, Alexander.

I’ve had three big setbacks, in terms of being completely dismissed: Heaven and Earth, Nixon — by many people, at least — and Alexander. On Alexander, it was just devastating, because in America and England, the numbers were so tough. It wasn’t just that people didn’t like it. It was ridiculed. It was destructive criticism. Meanwhile, in the rest of the world we were connecting, we were among the top 20 films of that year in the foreign market. We did better than four of the five Oscar nominees abroad. It was well respected.

Why didn’t Alexander connect? Do we agree that it didn’t connect with English-speaking audiences?

I like the director’s cut better than the first version, because I had more time to prepare it. And the structure is different. It wasn’t because of the homosexuality — that’s a red herring. The mother’s back story and father’s back story, which are really essential, don’t come in until later. We’re doing a third, expanded version now — we’re going all out. This is not for theatrical; it’s for the people who love the film who want to see more of it. It’s the Cecil B. De Mille treatment — three hours and 45 minutes. What I’m doing is going back and showing the whole thing in its sumptuousness, really going with the concept that it had to be an old-fashioned movie, with an intermission, like a road show. Be a showman, instead of trying to be a responsible filmmaker. Go all out on this one. This is my Apocalypse Now, my De Mille epic. [The first time] I was trying to step up to the plate, so to speak. I should have pulled it back, taken an extra year like Marty did with Gangs of New York. But it would have cost a lot of money.

In Oliver Stone’s America, the documentary included with the DVD box set of your films, you say, “I’ve always admired Alexander because of the momentum and the speed with which he traveled and conquered. In my small metaphoric way, I would say the countries were films, and I moved through them like him . . . he’s striking everywhere. I think it was great. We had a great run. But it’s definitely a new phase.” Is Alexander the figure you most closely identify with?

I am a Method director to a certain degree. I do become part of what I shoot. And I think with Alexander, the perception is of hubris, certainly — “Alexander the Great? Who the fuck is he? He thinks he’s Alexander.” I could see that coming. But I always knew who Oliver Stone was. I never lost track of that. And I made the film humbly, in 94 fucking days on three continents. I ran the crew like I always run the crew. Nothing changed in my habits. I walked in the deserts, we shot in a sandstorm once, and it was the same old Oliver who did Salvador. Hubris is taking 110 days on some stupid comedy. That’s an insult to filmmaking the way I was raised. I’m sticking to NYU principles, and I still do to this day. Movies are a tradition; we didn’t invent it — we take it from somebody else and pass it on.

But with Alexander, you faced a challenge like you’ve never faced before, because no matter how bruising the attacks on JFK and Nixon, your core audience was always still with you. For whatever reason, Alexander failed to connect with an audience.

Yeah. In America.

In America. I don't wish to judge it; this is an empirical observation.

No, it didn't connect. Alexander is the high point of my life, and it always will be. I’m not asking for universal love on that; it’s just impossible. It’s not paced to the American style, nor is he a conventional hero. He’s filled with doubts. But Alexander is a beautiful story, and I think I did him well. I mean, I wouldn’t have released it [otherwise]. But I can’t give up; I would never give up. I would be all wrong in my assessments of myself as I work. You have to hear your own self, follow your own drama, or whatever Thoreau said long ago at Walden Pond. [“Follow your genius closely enough, and it will not fail to show you a fresh prospect every hour.”] Alexander was a huge setback for me, and it certainly hurt me in this business. But you have to understand that people have been saying bad things about me for years. I don’t listen; I have to try to keep going.

I don’t want to make specious connections, but you’ve had several high-profile drug arrests in the last few years. Before that, you were making supernihilist films in an edgy, frenetic style. I'm wondering if these are all moving parts of the same phenomenon.

I’ve smoked dope and drunk alcohol most of my life, okay? Getting pulled over and arrested is a fault, it’s a mistake — a wake-up call. I did get busted a couple of times. One was at a roadblock, so it’s not like I was endangering anybody’s life. The other time, I got pulled over by a civilian cop; I was actually busted for driving too slow. And when the tests came back, I was below the intoxication level. Nobody knows that, because it never got published that way. I should get a chauffeur is what I fucking should do. [Laughs.]

But nobody cares if you smoke pot. They care if it affects the work, if it’s part of a larger problem.

Okay, but I don’t feel bad. I got heavier, physically, at certain points, and I think that gives the appearance of degradation, like Jim Morrison. But I did have a pre-diabetic condition through my mother, and I was on too much sugar. Any Given Sunday, I love that movie, but it was more effort than you think — it was like a three-ring circus, to make five football games in five stadiums work. It took so much energy. There were some problems with the crew on that film. So by the end of that movie, my doctor said I was too stressed, and at my age it was dangerous. There were some issues of medications and stuff, no question about it. But sports people love that movie. With Alexander, there’s a fan site where there are people who have seen it 50 times. They go to the sites in Macedon. They love the romanticism of it. So it’s confusing to me. I’ve tried every fucking time to get it right, even if I haven’t been in my best physical shape. I will get it right. Not everyone is going to agree with me, but I’m going to get it right.

With World Trade Center, it's your first time to deal with studio financing in a decade; you look better, healthier. Has your life changed? Is this a new start?

Your story is a journalistic narrative, and it’s a good one, about Oliver coming back after Alexander, and how there’s a change in his life. And I’ve somewhat agreed with it, but I’ve also pointed out that my methods have stayed the same. But it is about your storyline, in a way — about life. If you go to film school, and you think about your career traditionally, you arc up, in the sense that your budgets get bigger, the stars, whatever. There’s a nice arc to a man’s life. You make your better films later — it’s horrible if you’re Orson Welles, if you make your best film first. And Alexander was a chance to do something on another level entirely. So I reached a peak of ambition. And the ambition was perhaps not matched by my execution, although there are points in the execution that do match the ambition, I think. So then it died a metaphoric death. Point of view died with it, as it died when Heaven and Earth came out. That [movie] was a very sensitive side of myself that I loved — it was tender, and the woman was tender. And it was ridiculed and killed, and part of me, you know . . . those feelings were hurt and eradicated for a while. Same thing with Nixon. You want to get rid of the person after you finish. You want to go back to being who you are, but you’re no longer the same person, because your journey has changed.

And part of me did die [with Alexander] — that part that was enamored of “my very important storyline,” end of quote. Me being the storyline. I played it out. I did all my biographical figures. I have no need to be John or Will. I had a need to be Ron Kovic. I had a need to be Alexander. I had a need to be Nixon and Morrison and Garrison. That’s the change. So now I can be myself, maybe. I can be more authentic to myself. I think there was an attraction to go from the past into the contemporary world in its most hellish moment. It’s like I dropped out and I couldn’t get back in, until by going back to 2001, I could come back into this era. I feel liberated, in the sense that, not that it would be next, but I feel I could do a movie about those next five years. Not that I think it’s complete yet — I think there’s a lot going on that we don’t know about in the government. But I think there’s something in the air. I smell it, and I feel fresh again, having done something — my new, 24-hour, humble microcosm of that day. Wherever I go with World Trade Center, it’s going to spin off to wherever I go next.

-Paul Cullum, “After the Fall,” LA Weekly, Aug 9 2006 [x]

[cinemaocd]

There are some issues with age difference in middle age. I’m basing this on the fact that my parents were 11 years apart and I am five years younger than my husband. I am almost 50.

You can be five years apart and be of different “generations.” Technically I’m a Gen Xer and my husband is a Boomer. What that means is that we have different cultural touchstones. Added to this he is from the UK so we have really different reference points for a lot of things. I have no idea who was prime minister when he was born, but I can tell you that I was born when Nixon was President. (He’s lived in the U.S. long enough that he knows that now too...). While this seems kind of minor, it can be an issue I think, because cultural touchstones matter. I grew up with the backdrop of Vietnam and Watergate all through my childhood, like a toxic drip of negative energy about authority. At the same time, I had cable TV, movies, music etc. that were also soaked in this same toxic sludge. The cold war was a constant presence as well. I am part of the last generation that experienced the cold war during our entire childhood/teen years. To someone five years younger than ME, these touchstones may not have permeated their lives in the same way. And if you were older, you may have absorbed the lessons of Vietnam/Watergate differently. These cultural touchstones are important because they can end up adding up to VALUES. So you may be an inherently mistrustful person, who values their privacy to the point that your partner, of a different generation, struggles to understand. That’s just one example of an issue that I’ve noticed that I’ve chalked up to the not very big age difference between myself and my husband.

Your health may be radically different than the health of your partner who is even a few years older. The older you get, and the larger the age gap, the MORE this effects you. If you have kids, this is a real serious issue you need to think about: am I going to end up parenting this child alone at a certain point? Is my child going to have to deal with losing a parent early? My father was ill a lot of my teen and young adult years. It put a huge strain on my mom and in turn stressed my relationship with her to the point that I pretty much wrote off about 10 years with her because she was so exhausted from caring for my dad. This is why the difference between 60 and 70 is real. Because of this experience I would never marry someone who was 10 years older than me. I just wouldn’t. I know Keanu is immortal, but honestly, you have to think about being in very different places at a certain point in your life. My mom is 75 and her boyfriend is 79 and that FOUR YEAR gap is really starting to matter to them. She is just so much healthier than he is.

I think the differences caused by age gaps in middle age are different than those at younger ages (especially when you are dealing with people young enough that they fall under consent laws), but they are real issues none the less. Labeling everything “problematic” is really unhelpful though, because it assumes that there is no nuance or allowing for individual circumstances. Age is just one component of a relationship, but it is an important one, and it bugs me that it’s often dismissed as irrelevant, once the people in question are out of their 20s.

I've already seen discourse on Twitter about Keanu Reeves and his girlfriend bc apparently, 46 ISN'T age appropriate for a 55 year old man or something and I'm starting to think some people don't understand the discussion about age gap relationships....it's not about age gaps themselves, it's about adults dating people who aren't adults (usually teenagers). But also, 46 and 55 is age appropriate jfc