#buddy many bad people were good musicians

[halewitzka]

I just wanted to know what the very garbled lyrics to a song were

Because I liked the song. And I liked the guy who made the song.

I did NOT want to find out they were directly taken from the writings of a murderer, antisemite and nazi who has done so much overtly right wing shit, down to literally doing the hitler salute, that it is impossible to defend him even a bit

And people have ASKED about the vocal samples, BECAUSE theyre difficult to understand. No response was ever given, both of which are facts that seem like a deliberate attempt at hiding what the lyrics are and where they originate

What do I even do with this information, except now forcibly divorcing myself from enjoying this mans content

[myloveforhergoeson]

✨ - How does your character navigate social cliques or groups in school? Are they part of a specific crowd or more of a lone wolf?

for roxy, especially after the whole thing with brand new day went down. tho feel free to answer for the others :)

ughhh oh my god brand new day... essay incoming that is mostly just me rambling about things i have thought much about but have never put into words

as per usual, i have lots to say about this one. shockingly, i didn't give roxy too much social backstory outside of high school just because i didn't want to get over caught in explaining like. her whole life story? she's not anti-social obviously, but mag and dani really were her only good friends. while roxy had many acquaintances, like cait in the Minnesota chapter!, she didn't really have anyone besides BND she'd hang out with on the reg. this kind of forced her into the social outside i guess? but only because she was bunched in with the other school musicians not because she was bitchy or anything lol. she never really made her personal life a priority unless it was music related, so mag and dani were really all she needed!

i think i briefly mention it in one of the chapters but jo and camille are really her first pair of good, close female friends

as for clique navigation, i'd imagine she wasn't too good at learning the ropes at first, especially if other kids were already shoving her into the musician box before she was able to pinpoint them as a jock or stoner or whatever but overall didn't really affect her. she was more the flying under the radar type. of course this changes when she meets btr later on but that's how i imagine school was for her the first year :)

i'm not sure she'd place herself in any category, that's not super punk yk, but she definitely wasn't a lone wolf. she was more reliant on making connections in the local music community so BND could play gigs and stuff. if that meant she got super buddy buddy with a kid that had a basement for them to play a show in, that's what she'd do, but it was mostly just community connections for her.

if i went to school with her i'd definitely peg her into the musician + artsy type groups. hanging out with mag and dani would also swerve her into the smoker category lol. i tried to include that in the story when she grabs a lighter on the way out the door when she and james go to the show in duluth but got lazy and only had them have the conversation about it in my head. sorry! she used to be a social smoker just as a byproduct of being in the punk community... never her own cigarettes but if someone offered her a hit she wouldn't say no. she used to think it was really cool. girl! stop that! they're so bad for you! we see a bit of this in the rockstar au lol

after the band break up, she was def going lone wolf mode in hopes of protecting herself from ever being played again. not that she was intentionally going out of her way to avoid other people, but she wasn't attempting to form lasting connections outside of sitting next to someone in class or meeting anyone outside of class like she would mag and dani. btr are really the first friends she'd made since the split.

as for the guys idkkkk they all give such jock energy its hard for me to imagine them in any other category. hate to do that to them but really that's just how they present themselves both in public and private. they all seem like social butterflies, even if sometimes they get a bit awkward in certain instances, but they're hard not to like. they're not rude, they're super cute, they play a big time sport, they always help out their friends... who wouldn't like them!

(mag if they went to school together... but that's a conversation for another time...)

tysm for the ask you know how i love to talk and talk and talk <3 what do you think about our oc miss octavia or katie !! i know they're younger, but still. middle school age is like prime time to be clique navigating lol

find an emoji and ask away!

[setagaya-division]

The sun was so close to leaving the big blue sky over the city of Setagaya when a certain red-haired boy from Nara residence has arrived at the birthday owner’s place —The famous Yorii or ‘Sireen��� who has just entered the industry by the incredible young age and instantly made it big due to his rumored supreme angelic voice only within a couple of years.

Though he used to collaborate with this very celebrity before due to the shuffle collaboration some times ago, he couldn’t imagine himself rising to stardom this quick. It seems like there was some big gap between him and all those talents who already had one (or both) of their feet in the industry after all…

But, weirdly enough, despite Yorii’s poppularity with many —Why does the new friend and fellow music lover of his seem to despise him to some extent? This isn’t the first time she is acting like this though. There were Narizuka-san and that DJ ‘Wolf of Shadows’ as well, but honestly why? They were good musicians and weren’t horrible people, he believed?

Yuuya shaked his head a little as he was trying to get rid of his petty thoughts.

—Nah, nah, he shouldn’t think about it. It was kind of rude to think of such things as today was one of those people’s birthday. Let’s just have that new friend of his calm down a little during his leave. He was here today to bring the singer some birthday gifts from his division.

However, it seems like the birthday’s owner and his siblings weren’t at home at the moment, maybe they were going to celebrate somewhere. So, what he could do was only to drop the gifts there.

One was from him, the phone charger, and the other was a box full of fancy chocolates from Asahi. And even if he knew that his wagashi maker buddy felt like the singer was having some attitude against him, he still tried to make himself a better impression somehow, Yuuya admitted he gotta praise his friend for this.

—Back to the car somewhere outside the complex

Returning back to Chishio-san who drove him here in the first place, the red-haired boy suddenly paused when he noticed something unusual…

Aside from the familiar attendant of Saigo-san in the driver seat, smiling sweetly next to what should be his own spot was an unknown someone with a shady look and even more suspicious sunglasses. And even with those numerous friends he has swore to know across Japan, he was certain that he has never know this dude(?) before.

Thus, as the response, he could only blink.

“Geez, Chishio-san.”

The old chaperone he called wasn’t helping anything but returned him a mischievous smirk.

“Wouldn’t it be more polite if you considered giving me some head-up that I’m going to get kidnapped today?”

…Now he didn’t know whether it was good or bad choice he made to leave his phone and ANGE at home

"Ohh, now these look interesting." Yorii said, as he looked at the chocolates left for him. Upon returning home with his siblings from a small dinner party, the idol looked as there were some gifts for him outside. The phone charger was good enough, but the chocolates were what really made this gift shine. Biting into one, the idol's eyes sparkled. Looking at his siblings, he held up the plate.

"You guys want some?" he asked, offering.

"No thanks, Yorii." Elliot answered, shaking his head. "I try not to eat too many sweets in one day."

"Mina?"

"You know I can't eat anything that's not a liquid, Yorii." Mina answered, scowling at him.

"More for me then!" He exclaimed, tossing a chocolate in the air and catching it in his mouth. His siblings sighed as they watched their younger brother's antics, figuring this wasn't out of character for the young boy. Besides, it was his birthday, after all.

[bustyasianbeautiespod]

Episode 9 Transcript: The Sequestering

[Garageband version of Buddy Holly’s “Everyday” plays]

C: Hello! My name is Crystal.

G: And my name is Grey.

C: And this is Rubbish and Probably a Podcast, a Good Omens commentary podcast where I, someone who has seen this show too many times…

G: And I, someone who only knows this show through Crystal, discuss every single episode of Good Omens. 

C: For today’s episode, we are discussing Season 2, Episode 3: “I Know Where I'm Going, featuring the minisode The Resurrectionists.” [G: I liked it.] I used to hate this episode. Now, I'm okay with it. It's fine. It's fine. It only took me five goes, but it's fine.

G: You know what I'm a little bit bitter about is that you have been so consistently telling me that this episode is bad, and the flashback, the minisode this episode is bad, so I like, watched it at the very last minute for me. Like, I watched the day we were supposed to- the day before we were supposed to record. [C: Yeah.] And I was like, "I didn't have time to brew!" I liked it!

C: Mm. Well, perhaps if you kept brewing it, you would realize that it's bad? [laughs] It's not that bad.

G: No, exactly. Maybe this is how She wrote for my life to go, you know. It is fated.

C: Yeah, perhaps. The only person writing this episode is Aziraphale being a clown with clown shoes on, so.

G: You know, like, the entire portion of the entire flashback, I was trying to rationalize it in my head - I mean, not the entire- I guess until the turning point. [C: I- yeah.] I was trying to rationalize it in my head, as like, "Is he like, writing this as a Heaven report?" even though [both laugh] I knew from the beginning that it was a diary entry.

C: [laughing] Yeah, Crowley's literally in there being friendly with him. Why would that be in there?

G: [laughing] I was like, "Maybe it's a heavenly report, you guys!" [C: No, he literally is just a clown who wears clown shoes.] even though it explicitly said that it's a private diary of A. Z. [pronounced zee] Fell, volume 603.

C: No no no, what did you- No, it's A. Zed Fell. I still get jumpscared by that every single time he says it. [G laughs] It's like, "What the fuck? That is not your name."

G: No, I also did get so jumpscared when that happened. I was like, "Who the fuck is Zed?" [laughs]

C: It's sickening that people in fake Soho are walking by looking at that sign and being like, "Oh, yes, A. Zed Fell." Like, you're sick. Sick in the head. [G laughing]

G: I'm sorry, people who are used to that. I don't hate you that much.

C: It's fine. [both] Yeah. You're valid. [laughing] Your headcanon is valid. To you. [G laughs] But it's fucked.

G: No, but the thing is, Zed is a name, you know? [C: Yeah.] So what is he? A modern-day musician?

C: You're not likemy genderqueer friend in high school. Like, I don't get why you're saying this. [laughing] My genderqueer friend's name was actually Z [pronounced zee] so that doesn't work [G laughs] as a joke in any way whatsoever.

G: So the synopsis for this week's episode is, "Heaven sends the angel Muriel in disguise to spy on Aziraphale and Crowley. Aziraphale drives to Edinburgh in pursuit of his Clue and learns a little about a lot." Is this a joke about like- the land? Like, learns about the graveyard lot or like- Whatever. [C: Huh? What?] Were they even thinking about that when they wrote this fucking synopsis that is a little bit bad?

C: Oh, like a lot of l- [G: Yeah.] I don't think so. [G laughs]

G: Well, "The couple's visit to Edinburgh-" [C: "The couple"?] They're a couple, you guys.

C: Why did they do that? Why did they say that? [G: I mean- hm.] I mean, I'm glad. But like, okay, they weren't even together in 1827.

G: Well, you never know. Maybe it just wasn't important for our journey. [C laughs] So "Their visit to Edinburgh in 1827 involves grave robbery, a statue, and an unfortunate encounter with a vial of laudanum."

C: More fortunate than if it didn't happen.

G: In the present, Crowley is in charge of the bookshop and is disappointed by human beings and the weather. [C: What a nothing sentence!] How can he be disappointed of the weather when he made that shit? You did that shit, Crowley! [both laugh]

C: Is the disappointment that it rips the awning, or something? [G: Oh, yeah.] Like, she overdid it on the rain? I don't get it. It's a stupid sentence. Amazon Prime, reexamine yourself.

G: For many- In many ways, shapes, and forms. [C laughs]

C: Yeah, yeah. This can probably be like, the second year of you reexamining yourself, you can get to this summary. [G: Yeah.]

-

C: We open in Soho in the present day, and we are looking at Jim, who's in this set of pajamas- are they tartan. Like, due to how I hate Jim so raw and so hard, I didn't actually make a note of what he was wearing.

G: Wait, let me check. Yes! [C: Yeah!] So it's like, the coat. Like, I'm assuming this is a robe or whatever. It's tartan! You really do not- you will never give a shit about Gabriel? It will never happen.

C: No, it's never happening. [G: Alright.] He's so annoying. I wish him off the face of the Earth forever.

G: He's nothing this episode, so it's not like I'm particularly bound to defend him this time.

C: Yeah, he's wearing these blue pajamas with a tartan robe over, which is a fun look, and he's in this bedroom on the second floor of the bookshop, which means that Aziraphale does have plenty of room for Crowley to stay, but alas.

G: Also, prior to this, we have never seen the fanfic flat on top of the bookshop, right?

C: That's true. Yeah, actually, I don't know where that came from, but yeah, everyone does manifest a bedroom up there so they can fuck so raw and so hard in it. This seems to be a guest room. He has this mug that says "Jim's Mug" on it, and like, this is in some kind of- it's like, typographied and all that in a font that I find annoying, due to how I'm a hater, and the handle of it is an angel wing.

G: You know, like, those like- like, it's like an Etsy store, but it's like, so massive and etc etc.? A friend of mine works for that. Like, for like, a wedding- you know those like, wedding merch? [laughs] This is what it looks like. It looks like wedding merch.

C: Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, it's like, going to say, "Jim and Beelzebub," like, "happy anniversary!" or something on it or something.

G: Yes! Or it's like, "Thank you for attending our wedding," [laughs] you know? So like that. You know, those industries are like, billions worth. It's crazy. [C: That makes sense.] And they pay their employees nothing!

C: Yeah, that part also makes sense. And he also has a tin that says "Jim's Hot Chocolate" on it. Redbubble couldn't have gone back to them in time for this, so I'm assuming that Aziraphale wasted a whole miracle on making sure Jim doesn't use any of the other dishware.

G: Do you think Aziraphale is the person- I mean, Aziraphale is kind of a maximalist, but like, I can also see him being the type of guy where it's like, "I have one spoon. I have one fork. [both laughing] I have one mug, one plate..." And like, you know what? Two Scotch tumblers. One for Crowley.

C: Aww. Yeah. Well, we see his teacups later, so we know he has extra things. [G: That's true.] But yeah, he probably does have one fork.

G: This man has one fork. Open his utensils drawer, there's one fucking fork. [C: Yeah. Does he even have a utensils drawer?] You know what? A spork, even. [laughs] [C: A spork, even.] Let's slander Aziraphale so hard and so raw. [both laughing]

C: Yeah, yeah, you know what? Aziraphale’s a spork user. I believe it.

G: It's a plastic spork that he washes every time. [C laughing]

C: God, he's just like me for real. What Aziraphale [sic] is looking at out of the window is Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death, which we go into. So Nina's there, making a bunch of orders for Mrs. Sandwich, who we don't get the name of yet. And they're definitely on friendlier terms than Nina and Maggie are, 'cause, you know, Mrs. Sandwich seems comfortable commenting on Nina's relationship even though Nina doesn't appreciate it that much.

G: I mean, the fact that she even knows! [C: Yeah.] Like, Maggie didn't even know her name, so. And Mrs. Sandwich knows the name of her partner, so like, they're close. [C: Yeah, yeah.] What if they do end up together? Who would have thunk?

C: Yeah. What if? What if they were under the awning? I think it would have been like, a conversation that made more sense.

G: What even was that con- You know, we need to sequester that part of our hatred and anger towards this episode to just that part of this episode, because I feel like if we don't, it's going to bleed all over the place. [C laughs] But it really is so bad.

C: It's just a strikingly bad bit of dialogue.

G: Like, I watched the entire scene, and I was so confused as to what the fuck they were talking about, and I replayed it, and I was still so confused.

C: Was there a missing scene where Nina, like, deliberately spills an entire like, jug of hot water on Maggie? [laughing] Like, that is the only thing that could like, preempt a scene like that to make it make sense.

G: Literally. There's a fucking, missing scene, you guys.

C: Yeah. I don't get it. And this is a 42-minute long episode, right? [G: Yeah. It's short.] Like, you could have added like, something to make this make sense. But like, they didn't, 'cause Neil Gaiman and John Finnemore are bad writers. Okay, sequestering, sequestering. Quarantining that. Nina's phone keeps going off, and Mrs. Sandwich tells her, "Hey, don't look at it. That's gonna be Lindsay, and it's gonna make you unhappy, and when you're unhappy you make worse coffee, which is bad for my girls." So we learned there that she like, manages a brothel. Nina does check the texts. Sorry, girl. And then we hear a car honk and a whistle outside, and we look out, and it's [both, in Muriel's voice] Muriel! in a bright white police uniform sort of thing, including a helmet that hides their hair, thank god!

G: You're so mean. The hair is fine!

C: It looks so stiff. Like, the waves and things- I don't know. It's just, I feel like sometimes, there's just hair that looks so hair that looks so hair-gelled that it's like, "Well, you could have just like, left it the way it was."

G: I mean, you like the 1940s hair on Crowley. Actually, I'm not sure if that's true. [laughing] But you know what, prior to that, I was going to say, "You liked the Rome hair on Crowley," but I know for a fact that you didn't [both laughing], so I couldn't say it.

C: You haven't even seen Crowley's 1940s hair yet. [G: I did!] You can't say anything about it. When?

G: Oh, is the next episode going to be that? Well, I was talking about the Episode 3 last season.

C: It's under a hat the whole time.

G: No, it's not!

C: Yeah, it is! [G: No!] When does he take the hat off?

G: To like- Ugh, you're right. Like, he just tips it. Well. Whatever.

C: Exactly. So you don't know what's under there.

G: Doesn't it get blown by the wind?

C: No, Aziraphale takes his hat off, and then it goes back on afterwards. [G: Booo!] Okay, I'll check. I'll check. I'll do the fucking apology dance if it's true, but I'm pretty sure that you don't see his hair, 'cause it's hidden by the hat.

G: Oh no! I'm watching the scene again. It's so horrible. He really did forget the books.

C: Oh my god, fuck! I just opened it again, and the last time I came here, I paused right before "You go too fast for me," so that is what is happening on my screen right now- and okay, let's go back. Let's go back.

G: No, okay, no removal.

C: The fucking hat stays on. The hat stays on. I was right, I was right, you were wrong, I was right.

G: I imagined it. And in my imagination, it's very beautiful.

C: I think it's- I like Crowley's look in 1941. I don't think the hair necessarily adds to it, but I don't know. He's a very beautiful boy. So Muriel is walking by, and Mrs. Sandwich goes, "Oh, that's nice. Somebody's got a sense of humor. Or an interesting kink." And then Muriel walks right into Aziraphale’s bookshop.

G: [laughs] Where like, two days ago or something, a naked man showed up and caught the attention of the entirety of the street, so wow.

C: Yeah, yeah. Everyone thinks Aziraphale’s a giant sex freak. Good for him.

G: And you know what? They're not wrong, but not for the right reasons.

C: Exactly. Exactly. Inside the bookshop, Aziraphale’s working while listening to “Everyday” on repeat on his record player. [G: Just like you for real.] He's just like me for real. I bet it's also his number one on Spotify. There's a knock at the door, and Muriel says, "Police!" And he takes his glasses off and he puts them in his pocket, and then he turns off the record, and then he goes to the door, worried.

G: You say that like it's a calm situation for him. Like, he is very- he's anxious about this.

C: Yeah. Do you think he knows that this is- Like, at this point, he probably knows that this is the angel sent to verify the miracle?

G: Yeah, probably. But like, I feel like maybe the posing as a police officer could have been a bit of a surprise.

C: Yeah, I feel like the other angels- like, when Gabriel checked in or whatever, he put up  a front for the other customers in the store, but like, he wasn't trying to hide who he was. So yeah, there is some uncertainty there. But yeah, anyway, even though this is not the point of the scene in any way whatsoever, just the whole vibe here did remind me strongly of "it's the light (it's the obstacle that casts it)" by bibliocratic, which everyone should stream on archiveofourown.com. Or dot org. But yeah.

G: Yeah. Wonderful fic. Truly. Made me so emotional.

C: It's good. [G: Yeah.] And I mean, I think that the bookshop probably did have its fair amount of encounters with the police back in the day, like, just regarding how Aziraphale's obviously gay, and Soho's a pretty gay district. [G: Yeah.] He opens the door, very worried, and checks behind Muriel to see if there's anyone else there. Also looks just sort of disbelieving at the fact that Muriel's doing this in the first place. [G laughs] It takes him a while like, after Muriel introduces themself to like, decide that his course of action is going to be to play along with it all. Yeah, Muriel goes, “‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello! What's all this, then?” [laughs] They're so cute. [G: Yeah!] Says that they're "A human police officer." And when Aziraphale’s like, "Oh, yeah, I thought you probably were." They go, “Did you really?” [laughs] Like, god. They're so cute. They're so cute. Like, I'm sorry that they're like- I guess- Is this their first time inhabiting a body also if this is their first time on Earth?

G: You know, I'm unclear on that.

C: Yeah. But yeah, I feel like they're experiencing some kind of a euphoria in like, inhabiting a body and being on Earth. I'm sorry it happened while they were in the form of a cop, [G laughs] but not everything's perfect.

G: Yeah. I mean, the only example of this corporation, where like, the being gets recorporated- well, but no. Beelzebub is in Hell. How does that work?

C: True, and Crowley notices that ze has a new face.

G: Well, that's even more fun, then, don't you think? That Beelzebub not only changed like, zir corporation on Earth, but like, changes zir entire look in Hell. [C: Yeah. Yeah!] I think that's even more transgender. Good for zem.

C: Yeah. Yeah. Very, very happy for Beelzebub. But yeah, okay, it's like, in Episode 5 of Season 1, right, the quartermaster goes, “You were issued a body.” So it's not that common for angels to have a body. [G: Yeah, I suppose so.] Like, it's something that's given to them. So I feel like Muriel wouldn't have been given one until they were asked to come down to Earth. So yeah. That must be exciting. I'm happy for them. They're having a great time! And also scaring the shit out of Aziraphale and Crowley in the form of a cop. But again. [laughs] At least they're having a good time. Muriel says that, as a cop, they're allowed to unobtrusively monitor Aziraphale without raising suspicion and asks to do it inside, "Only 'cause it's really noisy out here, and I can't hear anything." Good for them.

G: Muriel doesn't need to be invited in, right?

C: Huh. No, I don't think so.

G: That's just for demons?

C: Yeah. I mean, Aziraphale, like, last season didn't invite Gabriel and Sandalphon in.

G: God! I just remembered the Shax scene. What if it really is their bookshop? What if Crowley is really the "Co."?

C: Yeah. [both make pained sounds] God, it's crazy how love is real. [laughing] I'm remembering how fucking miserable the two of us were about them in Episode 1 of the season, but you know what? Apology dance-

G: Well, we're about to be in a couple seasons- in a couple episodes.

C: Oh, fuck. Let's- I don't wanna think about it. Yeah. Yeah. It's happenin'. It's happenin'. [G: It's happenin'.] Muriel takes a seat and looks around, sort of an all sort of intimidated by Aziraphale’s whole maximalist swag thing, and Aziraphale comes out - good for him - [both laugh] from the backroom with two cups of tea. And his teacups are very, very pretty. They're white and blue china, and they're like, they have ridges on them, so they sort of look like the bottom half of a pumpkin. They have a conversation where Aziraphale just keeps sort of trying to help Muriel out with their disguise.

G: This entire bit is Aziraphale being like, "Oh, this is how you drink the tea." And “You know, an officer would generally accept tea,” and all that. And I just think it is so nice of him to do this. [C: Yeah.] Even though like, of course, like, he needs to be polite, but like, I feel like it exceeds politeness at this point when he's trying to like, make Muriel comfortable and engaging with them in like, a "You seem to want to put up with the ruse of being a police officer, so if you must, this is how you do it." [C: Yeah, yeah.] It's nice. It's nice.

C: And I wonder if Aziraphale sees any of himself in them at all. [G: Yeah!] Because they're like, not his boss, and they're not incredibly mean and rude. Like, they seem taken in by what's going on on Earth, and excited to be here, and like, he was there at some point, too.

G: There's a different vibe to Gabriel being like, "Why do you eat that? I will not do that and sully my holy temple of a body." [C: Uh-huh.] But, like, with Muriel, it's a different thing, you know? It's a different thing.

C: Yeah, they just seem intimidated by the idea of drinking tea, yeah. And Aziraphale didn't have to make tea. And I think, I mean, part of it could have just been like, trying to collect himself a little bit once he gets in the back room. But like, I think also part of it is like, "Well, you know, like, I really started to like, love Earth-" Well, not started. "But part of why I love Earth so much is like, all like, the sensory inputs I can get from things like tea, so I would like to see if a similar love can be engendered in this angel." So that's nice. Good for them. Yeah, he demonstrates drinking tea to Muriel, and it's- Yeah. He makes such a show of it. Like, he closes his eyes, sips, and then goes, "Ahh." Like, good for him. [G: Cute.] No wonder Crowley is- Yeah, you know what? No need to say anything. Anyway- [laughs]

G: No no no, you say it, you say it.

C: My- Well, my note is "This cannot be how he actually drinks tea, right? Like, Crowley would have to miracle her dick off every time they go out to eat?" [both laugh]

G: Well, maybe that's what the watching eating is all about, always, all the time.

C: Yeah, maybe it is. Muriel's not ready to drink tea yet, and says that they just want to look at it. "I always say the best part of a... 'cupperty' is looking at it." They're very sweet. And then Crowley just swings in the bookshop, and every time I watch this episode, I did start like, cheering and screaming every time I saw her, 'cause she's so beautiful and wonderful. He comes in with like, his plants that he's putting in the store 'cause Aziraphale's taking the car, and doesn't really notice Muriel at first 'cause they're just saying to Aziraphale, like, "This is ridiculous. Why don't you just go by train? You love trains." And he literally does.

G: Will we ever see them on a train?

C: No. Not- Well, maybe Season 3. We'll see.

G: We should. Yeah. [C: Oh, god.] Our Season 3 wishlist is [C laughs] '60s lesbians [C: Yes. On a train...], and then Aziraphale and Crowley in a train. [laughs] Yeah. [C: Yeah. And then, I mean-] Caravaggio! [both laugh] [C: Caravaggio, sure.] They need to go to 1606, Rome, and watch Caravaggio stab that guy in the femoral archery while trying to castrate him. Yeah.

C: Good. Yeah. [laughs] We should see that? What are Aziraphale and Crowley's roles there?

G: They're just spectators, you guys. [C laughs] They're just looking. [C: Cool.] They the other pair playing tennis in the other court. Oh, the context for that is that is I mentioned to Crystal once that- because the flashback this episode and the flashback last episode, like, they do feel like they're catered for me specifically in terms of like, location, in terms of setting. So I was like, "The only way that this show can cater to me more in terms of minisodes is if the next minisode is about like, fucking Caravaggio’s life in Rome." And you know what? Maybe it will be.

C: [laughing] Maybe "Nazi Zombie Flesheaters" will be about 1606 Rome. You're right.

G: Exactly.

C: Crowley sees Muriel and does a double-take, going, "Who's this now?" And then-

G: Okay, I have a question. [C: Yes.] I mean, seeing this and seeing the white constable uniform, I feel like Crowley immediately is able to connect the dots to "that's an angel," right? [C: Yes. Yes.] But is that the only reason? Like, I thought he can smell- [laughs]is that true?

C: He knows what Aziraphale smells like.

G: That's true. No, but like, the demons- I mean, the angels can smell evil, as they say. Can like, Crowley smell divinity?

C: I don't know. Like, there's nothing that really proves it either way, I would say. He is like, very good at being able to track Aziraphale down, but I think that's just like, plot reasons. [G: Yeah, maybe they're just in wuv.] 'Cause can't tell that Crowley is a demon, even though Sandalphon could presumably smell evil in the bookshop in Season 1. It's quite inconsistent.

G: Yeah, but also like, Sandalphon and Gabriel have been here before, so.

C: Right. Right. So they know what the base level of evil on Earth is supposed to smell like, and it was increased that day, 'cause Crowley was recently there. [G: Yeah.] Yeah, yeah. Muriel was probably just like, “Well. Earth smells evil. So be it." So Crowley sits down. [exhales] But- the- [giggles] Oh, god! I'm normal! Crowley sits down on the arm of Aziraphale’s armchairrr! [laughs] Cool. Yup. Mm-hm. That happens. I don't have anything to say about it.

G: I mean like, for you, the appeal of this setup is that they're so close together, and they're willing to sit like this now. [C: It's the casual intimacy, yes.] Yeah. I feel like what I like about here is that Crowley saw this and saw that there's an angel in front of them, and her first instinct is to be like, "I'm going to present myself as like, a part of a set with Aziraphale." Like, "I am going to sit as close as possible, and we're going to be a wall." Do you understand? [C: Yeah, yeah.] This entire, you know, exchange is kind of like, "Okay, I am siding myself up on Aziraphale. And now I'm going to like, trip you up, and I'm going to like, be amused by your responses," and the whole time, it is presented as like, "It's me and Aziraphale doing this," because, like, they're so close together and like, they look like a set. [C: Mm-hm. Yeah.] They do look like a set. Isn't it so wonderful?

C: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [pained sound] Sorry. I took a screenshot of that and put it in my notes, and I have no thoughts in my head because I'm just looking at it.

G: They are A. Z. Fell & Co. [C: Yeah.] Or A. Zed Fell. [C: Ugh!] Well.

C: Well. I don't think we have- It's just a pronunciation thing. We don't have to like, say it every time. [G laughs] We can just say the correct pronunciation of the letter zee.

G: Which is A. Zee Fell, yeah. [both laugh]

C: Exactly. It's- yeah. You know. I spent a long time in Season 1 talking about how far apart they sit on a bench, and it's not just because they're in public, because in Season 1 when they were in the bookshop during the drunk scene, they were like, on literal opposite ends of the room, and now they can just do this right after like, last episode, Aziraphale put his hand on Crowley's chest. Like, it does seem like they're a lot more physically comfortable with each other than they were in Season 1. And that's wonderful!

G: [laughs] And they will divorce by the end of this season.

C: God! [both sigh] Yeah, so Crowley, as you said, is trying to trip Muriel up with her questions, and she's like, "Oh, tell me, Constable." But Muriel says that they're an inspector. Their name is just Inspector Constable. And that this is their first visit to Earth- "Oh, wait, no! Obviously I've been here for like... 200 years?" [G: 200 years.] They're so funny. And then they go, "But when I said yes, just then, that was an error [G: An erreur, even.] which proves that I'm human." What a lovely character!

G: And Aziraphale tries to- [C: Save their ass.] allow them to save face, yeah. To be like, "Oh, you meant probably that it's your first visit to London!" And Muriel's like, "Oh, yeah, I was in another [both] human settlement." [laughs] Yeah.

C: And Crowley goes, "Oh, yeah? Which one?"

G: And like, Muriel is just looking at Crowley, like, "Ahh. Oh, no!"

C: Yeah. It's a fun dynamic. It's a fun conversation. If only- I was just gonna say, if only we never had Jim and only had Muriel forever.

G: I mean, this is what I'm gonna say, basically. It's like, with Gabriel, like, later, we see Crowley and Gabriel interact a lot more. And like, seeing those interactions, too, is like, they're interesting because Crowley is niceys. Crowley's so niceys.

C: Yeah, until he's like, reminded of the danger that Gabriel sends.

G: Yeah. But like, he is niceys. And like, I don't know. Like, the expansion of the- I mean, I've talked about this quite a lot last episode, but like, the expansion of the demons and angles that we see is like, I think, the most interesting thing that they do this season so far. So like, the addition of Muriel and like, I don't know. The way Crowley interacts with them- And I do want so bad to see Aziraphale interact with Shax. And, I mean, the Shax scene later makes it a bit clear that like, she is taking the "Beelzebub is threatening Aziraphale" thing seriously, but even then, they have a little bit of banter about the hot water and stuff, right? [C: Yeah.] Like, Crowley is more able to separate the like, job part of the thing versus the like- [C: Acquaintances.] "Oh, we're two people talking." We see it a lot in how Crowley interacts with the angels that they see other than Aziraphale this season, right? [C: Yeah.] And like, I am curious as to how Aziraphale would do that. But again, like, Shax is kind of like, actually doing something to harm them, so probably not going to be the case. Also, Aziraphale in general, like, I feel like Aziraphale is still of the mindset that Crowley is the exception. [C: Mm-hm.] Like, Crowley is my good demon. [C: Yeah.] While Crowley is more aware that like, well, "Aziraphale is a bit odd, but like, the individuals of Heaven, like, especially Muriel, right here, right now, who is like, a new installment into the angels in Earth situation," like, "Muriel's probably fine!" like, you know. So I feel like they have that difference in perspective.

C: Yeah. Though I mean, I will say, like, as much as I like Muriel, like, the only like, opinion or lack of opinion we've really seen them have is in the Job minisode when they were super fine with the bet and also killing Job's children. So like-

G: I mean, I'm talking less about what the angels are doing, and more of how Crowley are like, looking at them and interacting with them and taking them. [C: Yeah.] I mean, it's different when, like, Muriel is like, "And Job's children are gonna die!" versus when Shax is like, "And we're going to kill Aziraphale," you know.

C: True. [laughs] Those are different things.

G: I do wonder how Crowley feels about that very obvious perspective from Aziraphale [C: Yeah.] that like, "Your lot is bad. But you're special!" I don't know. I feel like that's a horrible thing to feel, that somebody thinks of you that way. [C: It is.] You're fundamentally bad. But you know what?

C: [laughs] Which he does say in the minisode. [G: Exactly!] I feel like the show doesn't do much to dissuade us from like, believing- Sometimes, it feels like Crowley also thinks that, is the thing. 'Cause, like, at least the book has, you know-

G: That he's fundamentally bad?

C: No, not that he's fundamentally bad. I think Crowley also considers himself [G: Irredeemable.] No, the exception to the rule, demon-wise, in the show. [G: Ah.] 'Cause in the book we have a very nice passage where it says like, something about how "Crowley would always maintain that, like, being a demon was just a job, and most of them like, weren't that bad, and there were definitely some angels that were worse than demons, but like, Hastur and Ligur just happened to be like, two pieces of shit" is like, the general vibe of that passage, right? So like, in that one, a stance is made very clear. But like, I feel like in the show, in Season 1, we really just see Hastur and Ligur, who in the book are considered like,  some of the [laughs] "bad apples" of Hell, or whatever. And also, you know, there's the passage about where God says, you know, like, "Oh, like, Crowley, is the only demon who has an imagination, so that's why she was able to keep the car together." And so like, I feel like I feel like show Crowley also considers themselves an exception to the rule in some way, so it probably doesn't hurt as much. It's just something that both of them should work through.

G: That's true.

C: Crowley pulls Aziraphale aside to the backroom, saying, “Word with you, angel. In private.” Oh my god! What if love is like, real and everything?

G: [sighs] I mean, this line did make me think about our discussion last episode of "When did it become a pet name?" But it's so solidly a pet name, you know?

C: Yeah, Crowley is literally currently pretending that, like, they're a human who's friends with Aziraphale, so like, if she even thought a little bit of it as a species word, she probably would have edited the sentence, because it's like, "Oh, human friend of Aziraphale wouldn't know that he's an angel." But it's like, 'cause it's so fully just a pet name now, like, that's not even a thought. Like, that's just like, the word in the sentence now. [G: Yeah.] [C makes pained sound] [G: Horrible, even!] Oh, god. [laughs] Life is so terrible and also so wonderful. [G laughs] [G: Exactly.] God, I'm still so amused by the fact that we got like, an anon ask that ended with "What if we all died?" And like, I don't know they picked that up from like, us saying it all the time [G laughs] or if that's just a sentence that they say, but it's like, literally, what if we all died? [laughs]

G: What if? [C: What if?] And you know what? We don't have to guess. [C laughs] Thanks, Will Wood!

C: Thanks, Will Wood. So and Aziraphale assures Muriel, "Oh, it's okay we're talking in private because we'll just tell you what we said later, so that you can observe us properly." Okay, in the backroom, door shut, Crowley goes, "I don't know how you lot have managed to stay in charge all this time," and Aziraphale goes, "I'm not sure we have. Have we?" Which is good. I'm glad to see the energy of radiovangelist Aziraphale in the cut scene and in the scene of the book, saying that it's 50/50 on who wins Armageddon. Like, so true. Stop posturing about Heaven's power. And Crowley goes, "Where's Gabriel. Hwat is that angel doing here?" Though that's not how- I don't know how to say it the way that Crowley said it. [G: Is it-] But I did start screaming out loud every time of the five times I've watched this episode on the "hwat," so that's something. Jim's upstairs 'cause told him that bookshops are always closed on Wednesdays. Slay. And then goes, "As for Inspector Constable, at a guest, they were sent to verify the 25 Lazari miracle you and I accidentally performed the other night," and this is our first instance of a they/them pronoun being used in the show, I believe, though we get like, three sentences with Beelzebub being they/them-ed later. I guess it's nice in that, sure, it's nice. Though, I mean- [sighs] I don't- I don't know know how to put it. I think I'm just thinking about a post where someone was like, really happy about the they/them pronouns being used in Good Omens, and it's like, well, first off, for Beelzebub, it's like, backing off what Neil said, with like, neopronouns on Tumblr. So that's actually like, the coward’s choice there. Secondly, it'd be nice if they were played by people who weren't cis women 'cause it does feel a little bit like nonbinary people being considered [both] woman-lite. Though I think this is combated a little bit 'cause there's like, a different nonbinary human character who shows up as a background character in a later scene in the season, but like, eh. And also, I don't know. This isn't really relevant to anything. I'm just thinking about how that post made me sad because I feel like- There are so many like, fiction podcasts, for example, that are like, very queer where people do use they/them pronouns and other pronouns and all that shit and like, people who rely too much on like, mainstream media for like, representation, it's like, just take a step out of the water and listen to fucking- The Penumbra Podcast or Unwell, or like, any other of the many fiction podcasts I'm subscribed to.

G: I don't have that kind of attachment to foreign media like, gay representation. You know what I mean? [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Because, like my experience with well, gender specifically as a Filipino is like, it's just different. There is like, a substantial amount of queer media here in the Philippines, and they're not particularly mainstream, but they're like, movies, you know, they're like, good, well-produced, well-budgeted, well-funded- I don't know. Probably not well-funded. But they're like, actual movies that I see. Queer culture here in the Philippines, it's big. Like, people here are gay gay. [laughs] I don't want to describe- [both laugh] I mean, people in other places are also gay gay. But like, you know, the culture here is different. And also like, for example, the they/them pronouns, it's- I said this last episode. Like, I did try it. I tried the they/them. I mean, not the they/them. The he/they. But it didn't work for me because, like, it felt so foreign, because, like, here, for example, we don't have gendered pronouns, so like, a fun thing that actually to hear in a conversation is when you're talking to someone, and you're talking generally in English or in Taglish, and then you start talking about a person, but you're not sure what their pronouns are, so you switch in Filipino [C laughs] the entire time so you don't have to pronoun them. [C: Real.] Which like, [laughs] is a constant like, whenever we talk about a friend who we don't know the pronouns off, that's how we do it. We just switch to Filipino. And like, because the implication is different. Like, for example, in English, right? Like, when you're they/them-ing someone, it's gender-neutral in a way that is very like, in your face. [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Like, you're aware that you're doing this on purpose. And like, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Like, [laughs] I think we should on purpose gender people properly. But like, as opposed to like, when it's Filipino, and it's just what you use for everyone, and like, the implication is different. I don't know why I'm bringing this up here. But like, I don't know. So like, my point is like, if, example, you are a person who, like you are of a different culture, or like, you're maybe- maybe you live in like, the US, but like, you know, you want to explore queer communities from probably where your ethnicity is from, but also like, just other people that you're not related to in any way, shape, or form like, ethnicity-wise, like, there are other avenues to do it that isn't like, on Amazon Prime [C laughs] is what I'm saying. [C: Yeah.] So you should. You should expand your horizons. Like, there are so many wonderful queer films, especially in like, Asia. You would be surprised. So many. A lot of Hong Kong film is very queer, for example. You should look into that. It's wonderful. It's wonderful. The breadth and depth of the experiences of queer people around the world is amazing. So, you know. [laughs] [C: Yeah.] Yeah!

C: And like, I don't know. Obviously, like, queer people deserve to be on Amazon Prime, etc etc [G: Yes!] but like, also, like, I don't know. Give other things a shot.

G: And these are not like, you know, these are not like, bad pieces of media. Like, there is something to gain out of it, and also- you know what I mean.

C: Yeah, yeah. [G: Yeah!] It's not like you're making a concession in quality or whatever [G: Yes.] to engage in them. Like, you should just, yeah.

Crowley thinks that it's weird that angels measure miracles in Lazari. And then says that-

G: I kind of hate that they make a point of fucking [C: Explaining what it means?] pointing this out, yeah. [laughs] It's like, "Girl, shut the fuck up." We get it. We all have watched- one "Lazarus Rising," Supernatural-

C: [overlapping] All of us have watched Season 4, Episode 1 of Supernatural, "Lazarus Rising"! This is a universal human experience. [G: Exactly.] When you're born, they like, prop you up in front of a laptop and play it for you. Like, I don't get why you need to explain it to us. So Crowley says, “Okay, well, we just need to get Nina to do the love thing with Maggie.” Wonderful sentence. “One fabulous kiss, and we're good. I have a plan.” And Aziraphale just goes, “Excellent. Can I have the car keys?” And Crowley goes, [hurt] "Don't you wanna hear my plan?" [both laugh] Like, not sounding like that, but definitely sounding hurt.

G: It's saur cute. I mean, it comes off - because the next line is, "Or like, I don't know. Take the train?" [C: Yeah.] It comes off as like, you know, Crowley is trying to stop Aziraphale going so immediately because he doesn't want to part with the Bentley. But it is a bit funny, that, you know, she was like, "I have a plan!" And Aziraphale was like, “Okay." [C: "Okay, give me the car keys."] "But I have a plan! I wanna tell you about my plan!" [C: Yeah. Yeah.] I mean, we all know- Well, do we? I think we can all assume that Crowley is into the James Bond situation, so I feel like they would like to share like, "Oh, this is how I cleverly figured it out how-" [C laughs] you know, like, they fancy themselves a James Bond type, so. [C: They literally do fancy themselves a James Bond type.] So sorry. Sorry, Crowley.

C: Yeah. I haven't watched a single James Bond property [G: Fucking never.], and I feel like I wouldn't, because of probably the misogyny, I'm assuming.

G: I mean that guy from Knives Out was in James Bond right? [C: Yeah.] And I watched Knives Out! So I may as well have watched James Bond.

C: [laughs] Yeah, exactly. It's the same thing. So Muriel comes back in, asking, "Hey, you done with your conversation?" And Crowley switches right to her Hastur, tricking people voice, which is adorable. [G: Yeah!] And then says like, "Hey, you wouldn't be interested in humans falling in love, would you? I know for some members of the police force, it's a bit of a hobby!" Which I think, again, does point to like, an interpretation of this scene of like, drawing on queer history and police raids of like, gay bars, and like, sodomy laws and etc etc. It doesn't really feel like the tone of the sentence at all, but I think it's a good idea to hold next to this scene. And Crowley is like, "Oh, yeah, and especially like, Maggie and Nina from like, across the street? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we humans of Earth have a saying. You can only tell if people are in love by waiting for a few days because... humans are weird and that's how it works." And Muriel's like, "Oh, yeah, I totally knew that." And then Crowley goes, "Well, don't hesitate to ask me if you have any other questions about love, inspector Constable." And Aziraphale really makes a choice with his face, and the camera really makes a choice with being on his face [G exhales] where he like, gives Crowley like, a full once-over, looking kind of like, breathless/exhilarated the whole time, and then lets out like, a little shaky exhale. [G: Yeah.] What's that about? What's that about, Aziraphale?

G: The first time you mentioned this to me, I was like, "We must never say that in the podcast! We sound insane. We sound like those Johnlock shippers!" [C laughs] But like, I did rewatch the scene, and am now convinced. I have no protestations left.

C: Yeah, yeah. You love the scene with so much of your heart that none is left to protest.

G: Well, no. [C laughs] Sure, whatever. I do love nothing in the world as well as Aziraphale looking Crowley up and down and doing a gay little exhale.

C: Yeah, yeah. Did I quote it wrong? Is that why you said "no"?

G: No, I was just like, "Ugh, don't ever say that about me." [both laughing]

C: Okay. What part of it was offensive to your senses?

G: Implying that I look at this scene- but you know what? I did look at this scene, and I have nothing left to protest.

C: Yeah, there we go. There we go. I just- [laughing] what kink is this like, playing into for Aziraphale here? I need to know. [G: I have no idea.] Like, is it like, "Oh my god! Crowley's being so smart right now, like, Muriel's so tricked. Like, wow! She's so competent. Hii!" Like, what is it?

G: I mean, there is something to be said about how a lot of their interactions, don't you feel, is like, either Crowley is like, trying to goad Aziraphale into doing something or like, is too tense to like, be suave about it. So like, this is like, a "Oh, I'm seeing Crowley work," and it's like, Crowley is doing a good job at it. [C: Yeah.] And like, taking the lead, taking the initiative. You know what I mean. It's like, “Oh, here is my darling at his element,” so.

C: Yeah. And he's not even doing a good job. It just works because Muriel doesn't know anything.

G: Yeah. And you know, I mean, the thing is like, at this scene, Muriel brings out like, a little notepad and starts taking notes. [C: Aww!] And like, later on, in this episode [laughs], Aziraphale does the exact same thing. So like, it's so cute. They're of the same lot! Aand they're excited about their fake job!

C: They are so excited about their fake jobs. [laughs] Aw. Aziraphaleee! Anyway. Aziraphale holds up the car keys and winks, and Crowley makes like, an "Ugh!" face.

G: Do you think he's saying, "Oh my god! You're so hot" [C laughs] at this scene, or is it really just a "Ugh."

C: No, it really is an "Ugh." [G laughs]

G: Sorry. I love to make fun of you for thinking that scene is any way, shape, or form other than Aziraphale being a completely fucking elitist. But you know what? The asks are on your side! They think it's a horny thing, too.

C: The asks are on my side. They think the "Oh, good lord" is Aziraphale wanting to fuck Crowley so raw and so hard. So there we go. Yeah. We cut briefly to the coffee shop. Nina's working, quite busy, and Muriel asks, "Hey, like, I need to ask you about your love life." like, holding up the notebook and everything. And Nina just levels them a look and goes, "Get out. Now." and I mean, I do wonder like- 'cause I feel like most of the time, people are not asking Nina about her love life. But it's happened with Crowley and with Muriel, who seems connected to Aziraphale in some way the way that Crowley is. This has happened two days in a row, and also, like, last night, she had a blowout fight with her partner, with her partner thinking that she had an affair. So like, I feel like there's gonna be part of her that's like, even if she understands that it's irrational going like, "Did Lindsay send these people? Is she like, fucking spying on me now?" right? Like, there's gotta be some kind of a thought related to that.

G: I mean, my thought regarding this scene, I mean, especially because of how annoying Maggie is later [C laughs], it's like, Nina knows for a fact that Maggie and Mr. A. Zed Fell are connected, right? [C: True.] I don't think it's unreasonable to think that like, maybe Maggie has been telling these people like, "Oh my god, me and Nina got stuck in a thing last night, and probably we're in love!"

C: "Yeah, and I'm so into her, and I gave her a record even though se doesn't have anything to play it on, and I'm so annoying, and she doesn't even like me." [G: Yeah.] Right, so she thinks, what? Like, Aziraphale's sending people over to be like, "Hey, so do you like Maggie?" So that, like, they can report back to her?

G: I don't think it's like, necessarily sending people over. It's more of like, "Oh, people are curious because Maggie has been telling them things."

C: Yeah. I mean, if Nina thought that was true, I feel like she wouldn't forgive her as easily as she- I mean, whatever. That entire conversation is completely asinine, it doesn't matter-

G: Sequester! We're sequestering! [both laughing]

C: Sequester! Okay. So yeah, I think that is also definitely a valid interpretation. Either way, it must be making her life so terrible. And I'm sorry that she keeps doing this. And also, her coffee shop is always so busy, and she only has one employee besides herself. Like, this must suck for her. [G: Yeah.] Yeah. Sorry, girl.

G: And the employee!

C: Yeah, and the employee! Meanwhile, Aziraphale gets inside the Bentley [G: Aziraphale!] and goes, “Now, we're going to Edinburgh.” to it, and then it just starts going. Like, does he actually drive it or does he just tell it, and it moves, like with the phone?

G: No, I think he just tells it, right? Like-

C: But he got his license and everything. Why bother with that if he's just gonna miracle the car to work?

G: Maybe he also just told that fucking car to like, start moving. Maybe he thinks this is just how cars work.

C: Ugh. Yeah. Aziraphale wants to own a fucking Tesla that goes on autopilot. He wouldn't. I'm not gonna say such a terrible thing about him. The car starts, and it's slower than it usually goes, and then we see Crowley like, looking out of the window at the car, sort of anxiously, sort of- I can't really tell. And then at that, the car immediately speeds up and starts like, almost bumping into things again, which is so fun to me. Like, the car can tell that Crowley's watching it, and it's like, "Uh-oh! Gotta make Crowley happy. I have to do this now." [G: Yeah] Good for the Bentley. And then we get the theme song!

-

G: Well, we get the theme song. And the next scene is, in fact, being narrated by Aziraphale, which, you have some thoughts about this, right?

C: I don't have thoughts about it. I just think that it's nice that last season, the only narrator was God, and now Aziraphale gets to tell his story [G: Do a little narration.] even though his story is about him being a fucking annoying clown who wears clown shoes.

G: Yeah. Like, when we were talking about this episode, you said like, "Oh, but isn't it so like, out of character-" Not out of character, I guess, but like, "Isn't it so horrible that, like, with Job like, Aziraphale was like, a decent person [C: Yeah.] and understands like, the decency of like, having the children not die," etc. But like, in this time, he is just fully back into the Heaven agenda. [C: Yup.] But like, the thing is like the Job one was like, "Job is a good person, and everybody knows Job is blameless, and it's something that everybody keeps on fucking saying," and everybody is like, "Oh, Job, doesn't deserve this because he's, you know, good, etc."

C: Maybe Job should sit in his burnt shack and think about the "virtues of poverty." Have we considered that? [laughs] But yeah.

G: For fucking real. But this one is more on the like, "There's less certainty in terms of like, the inherent goodness of the person and such. [C: Okay, so Aziraphale's just being a dick now.] from Aziraphale’s perspective." Yeah, but like, it's about the deserving, etc etc. [C: Yeah.] And it's just- I mean, I don't agree with it, obviously, but I see why Aziraphale would think this way, and it is so- like, Aziraphale! You've been here for so long. So long!

C: Yeah, it's the eighteen-fucking-hundreds, my dude. [G: Yeah.] Like, this is just 200 years before Season 1. Like, are you not- ugh, whatever. Purveyor of books to the gentry bitch. Like- [laughs] Okay. [G: Yeah.] The first rewatch of this week I did have like, a brief revelation which I'll get into when we get into the line that made me have that revelation where I was like, "Oh, Aziraphale's not that bad, actually," but then I watched it again, and I was like, "No, actually he is. Nevermind, I was wrong."

G: The thing is also like, what was it? Last episode, I said, like, the dilemma between like, Job and God is that God insists that Job will never understand because Job doesn't get what it's like to be God, but like, God doesn't get what it's like to be human.

C: And Aziraphale doesn't get what it's like to be poor or starving or anything.

G: Yeah, exactly. Like, that is the situation here also. I mean, we'll get into it later, but I'm preempting it now. Like, the reason he turns around isn't because Elspeth needs the money. [C: Yeah.] It's not empathy for Elspeth. It's for the "greater good," the medical bull- and it's like, Aziraphale, there is an actual human being- if you're so against human suffering, there's a human suffering. What are you gonna do about that?

C: You could've just given her the money day one and then like, not had Wee Morag. Have we considered that? Ugh!

G: He literally killed that girl! He fucking- like, I am of the belief he killed that girl. [C laughs] You know what? Straightest thing he's ever done. [both laughing]

C: And Crowley is basically just as bad, I mean Crowley is an armchair socialist, as people have said before. Like, beliefs, generally in the right place, but also didn't give Elspeth any money and fully let Aziraphale tag along, knowing that Aziraphale was gonna fuck everything up for her, so. [G: Yeah.] I'm not happy with either of them in this minisode. I hope they both die and then get autopsied. [G laughs]

G: The thing is, I do have things to say about like, their dynamic and blah blah blah [C laughs]-

C: But also, they should die.

G: The entire time, I was thinking, "But is it worth it? Like, is it fucking worth it?" [laughs] [C: Yeah.] Like- so annoying. Well, whatever. We just have to ignore the screams of the people under the rubble. [C: The people getting bombed in 1941, yeah. Yeah.] Yeah. The scene starts with Aziraphale writing in his diary, and it says, “From the confidential journals of A. Zed Fell,” volume 603.

C: Yes, 603. I wonder when he began [G: Yeah!] because he writes the date as November 10th, 1827. So okay, I did the math my first watch, so if we assume that he started keeping journals at like, the beginning of Earth, he fills one of them every 10 years. If we assume he started when paper was invented, he fills one about every 3 years.

G: I think every three years. I mean, what paper are you talking about? Is it like, papyrus? You know what I mean. Are they in scrolls?

C: No, I think I started with China- I don't know. Paper close to modern-day paper.

G: Ah, okay okay. What if there are Aziraphale journals on fucking stones and shit?

C: Yeah, there could be. He could cuneiform the shit out of them.

G: What if he wrote the epic of Gilgamesh? We never know. We'll never know. [C laughs]

C: I guess we will never know. [G: Yeah.] It's quite risky for him to be keeping these. [G: Yeah! They're physical.] Especially 'cause like, he names Crowley. But like, I don't know, this minisode was written by Cat Clarke, and I don't think that Aziraphale's journals are gonna play a role in like, any larger canon. I think it's just like, a framing device that the writer thought was fun.

G: Yeah. Also, it's interesting that like, he signs his name A. Z. Fell. [C: Yeah!] Like, this is the confidential journal, so like, nobody's going to fucking see this, and it's still A. Z. Fell. Good lord.

C: Yeah. I mean, maybe he likes the name.

G: Yeah. Maybe this is like, the beginning of when he started being A. Z. Fell, and he's really into it.

C: Oh, yeah, like, he's like, "Oh my god! And it's like-" Oh, yeah, 'cause the bookshop opened in 1800, right? So it's just been 27 years. Like, he probably has, like, the sign over his shop, and it makes him really happy to see and he likes other people calling him Mr. Fell.

G: Yeah.

C: Good for him! I love when angels are transgender.

G: Exactly. The date written on the journal is November 10th, 1827, which means absolutely nothing, but it could mean everything to everyone.

C: I mean, it means something in that, Grey, you asked me in Season 1 during Episode 3, like-

G: I mean, of course, it means that. Who give a shit? [laughs] Yeah. This is what happens in between. [C: You asked!] I did. This is what happens in between.

C: You asked why Crowley seemed so different in the asking for holy water in St. James's Park scene vs Paris, and I think one interpretation that people have taken from this minisode is-

G: Hell punished them so severely, yeah. What is being written on the diary is that apparently, last month, they went on a graveyard date! [laughs] [C: Yeah. Gay people really are like this.] "Crowley and I both happened to be in Edinburgh, and he insisted I visit a local graveyard at midnight because he thought something might amuse me."

C: Yeah. Aren't they cute?

G: Yeah! Like, literally, Crowley was like, "Aziraphale! I think you'll like this. Come here." And Aziraphale did!

C: Yeah, "Let's come and shit on your boss together."

G: Yeah! And the funny thing is like, I was trying to think of it as like, "Oh, is this like a-" I mean obviously, like, in the present day, this is supposed to be like, a plot thing. Like, there is something to the statue being here and stuff. But like, back in the day, I was trying to think like, "Did Crowley call Aziraphale because it's like, 'Oh my god, is the angel Gabriel walking the Earth?'" blah blah blah blah. But like, they go here, and they're literally just being like, "Eugh! That's Gabriel. What the fuck?" [both laughing] They literally just stand here to insult him!

C: [laughing] Yeah, there's no larger mystery or anything. It's wonderful. [G: It's wonderful!] I also think it's nice that both of them happen to be in Edinburgh because we see in 1601, right, it's like, "Oh, we both have jobs in Edinburgh. Well, why don't one of us take both of the jobs now, [G: Yeah.] because we don't want to like, go up there on a horse" or whatever. But now it's like, instead of them having a job in the same place being an opportunity for one of them to slack off, it's an opportunity for them to hang out!

G: Oh, we need to talk about the outfits.

C: The outfits! Oh my god, Crowley. Crowley, hi! Hello! Hi, ma'am!

G: I mean, you looked into the fashion at the time, right?

C: By looked into, I mean "went on the Wikipedia for 1820s men's fashion, England."

G: Yeah. And this is kind of like, the style at the time, I am to assume. Like, Crowley's. They wore corsets and stuff.

C: Yeah, there were puffy sleeves, like, small waist. And also there's behind the scenes of the costume designer talking. [G: Yeah!] And she said that it was like, they were trying to do like, sort of a caricature of 1820s fashion by like, really exaggerating those new things.

G: The silhouette and stuff, yeah. Oh, I just wanna say that her name is Kate Carin, and I wanna mention it because I've been constantly talking about how much I love the styling this season. So like, hey! Wonderful! It's amazing. My favorite detail on Crowley's outfit is, of course, the puffed sleeves [C: Yes.], which, when I started sewing, it was like, in 2019, and puffed sleeves were all the craze. So like, it's the first thing that I did is to do the puffed sleeves. So like, I love a puffed sleeve, and I'm a bit sad that it's like, out of fashion now in 2023. But whatever. I still love it! Also, there's like, frills on his gloves. Did you see that? [C: Yeah.] The end of the sleeve has frills but like, the frills also continue to the glove, and I think it's so wonderful. I think it's such an amazing detail. I love it so much. Also, I am really fascinated by the fact- like, I opened this scene, and I do have a fascination to 1800s fashion, but like, most of my knowledge is like, Filipino 1800s fashion, right? And like, there are elements of European sartorial culture in that, but it's different. It's, you know, adapted to the fabrics available here, stuff like that, a bit adapted to the weather. So it's not exactly like this, but I did find it so fascinating even with that kind of like, very generic, very baseline, very- pretty much nothing knowledge of this era, the styling is able to convey that, of this duo, Crowley is the stylish one and Aziraphale’s little bit left behind. [C: Yeah.] I think it's so wonderful what they are able to do with this styling. Yeah, like, communicating that immediately, at first sight, you know instantly, that that's what they're trying to tell you. And yeah, I think it's very well- I think it's a very good styling choice. I think it's amazing. Yeah!

C: Crowley's hair is very fun, too. [G: Yeah!] It's shorter, and there's a lot of curl to it.

G: It's a little bit like the Nanny Ashtoreth hair but like, with more sideburns. I love it!

C: Yeah. And it's like, less styled in terms of like, product in it or whatever? Yeah

G: Yeah. What's fascinating to me is like, in the flashbacks, his hair is the color it is in Season 1, I think? Right?

C: Huh. Yeah, no, you're right. So like, we're meant to think that Crowley deliberately went and dyed her hair during the quarantine.

G: Yeah, that fucking plum, yeah. The cool-toned plum [C laughs] that clashes so severely with the warm-toned fuchsia sweater from the behind the- [C laughing] It's so bad! I was shocked to my core upon seeing that. [C laughing]

C: Yeah, what did I say? The same agent who put him in that outfit told him to get into the recording booth for "Sunshine on Leith"?

G: Exactly. So, as they talk-

C: Wait, are we not gonna talk about Aziraphale's outfit? Do we not give a shit?

G: I already said! I already said he looks behind the times. Oh, he's wearing a cloak.

C: I mean, he has a lovely blue bow. He has a lovely blue bow on his neck, and it's a nice color, and he's wearing a cloak with some good details on it. He looks like a fucking Easter egg, and I love it.

G: I mean, the Aziraphale outfit is cute, it must be said.

C: He's got sideburns- he has his St. James's Park holy water scene hair. I always say that 'cause I never remember what fucking year that is. 1862? Yeah, because "You told me what you think-" [G: 1867.] No no no. It's, "You told me what you think, 105 years ago," in 1967, so then it was 1862 for St. James's Park. [G laughs]

G: I love how that's how you remember it, and not how the fact that there is a placard in the scene that says the date and the place.

C: Who give a shit? Did Crowley read the placard out loud in her beautiful, beautiful voice? I don't think so.

G: It's true. There's no placards this episode, too. Did you notice that?

C: That's true. That's true. In previous episodes, they said, like, "Oh, now we're in Soho." "Now we're in Hell." Huh.

G: Yeah. And like, Land of Uz, that's not a placard, but like, they put that in there, you know.

C: Yeah, well, the time here is just the visual of the journal, I suppose.

G: Yeah, but also, they didn't go like, "Edinburgh" or whatever.

C: I mean, Aziraphale says it in the narration, though.

G: Yeah, I mean, it's clear, but like, it didn't have to be clear, you know what I mean?

C: That's true. They could have done a placard instead.

G: Yeah. So I thought that was an interesting choice, also, because, as you said, Aziraphale narrates this episode, pretty much, so the fact that there's no placards is like, maybe Aziraphale doesn't think of it that way. Not in placard terms. [C: Yeah.] Anyway, they're like, looking at this statue, insulting the hell out of Gabriel in the process. And then they hear somebody- like, there's a little bit of a kerfuffle or whatever, and they go to look, and it's a girl. And I say girl because she seems young, right?

C: Yeah, I'd say she's like a teenager.

G: Yeah. She is like, in a grave spot, digging something. And she's saying like, "I've got a spade! If you two don't go away in ten seconds, I'll use it on you" and all that. Aziraphale at this point is like, “Well, I mean, what a strange time to be burying someone.” [both laugh] But Crowley, like, you know, figures out what's happening. Starting here on out like, this entire thing, Crowley has a Scottish accent.

C: Yeah! It's so wonderful. It's great. [G: Quite wonderful.] Not the entire time. During the times when we're supposed to think Elspeth isn't listening- [G: Is listening- but- yeah.] Yeah, when Elspeth's listening, she's Scottish, and when she's not listening, Crowley switches back to the [G: Is in the Crowley voice.] British- an English accent, yeah.

G: The reason why is like, when Mr.- [laughs] When Mr. Fell [C: McFell.]- When Aziraphale goes towards her and goes, “Allow me to introduce myself. I'm-” and Elspeth is like, "Oh, you're English." [both laugh] And then Aziraphale goes, “I'm Mr. McFell.” Well yeah. But the whole time, Crowley is like, [bad Scottish accent] "Wow, och, she's bodysnatching. My spot's gonna love a side of bodysnatching." [C laughing] He's so cute.

C: Yeah. Yeah. I can't do better than that, so that is how she says it.

G: Yeah. Aziraphale is like, "But you shouldn't! Like, digging up bodies- Well, it's wrong!"

C: Okay, so I feel like this- Aziraphale specifically says, "I just thought I should warn you that digging up bodies is wrong." He says "warn." And this is right after Crowley says, "My side are gonna love a spot of bodysnatching." [G: Yeah.] So there's definitely a reading here where it's like- [G: He's trying to save her soul, yeah.] What Aziraphale's doing here is, yeah, saving Elspeth's soul. I feel like a lot of what like, annoyed me about this flashback on the first two times I watched was like, "Oh, if he thinks like, bodysnatching is wrong because it desecrates the body, why did he then desecrate the body to prevent her from getting money?" But I think the idea there is like, what is wrong is actually her going through with the task, because then it's like, a point against her, like, on her soul or whatever the fuck. So then, like, yeah.

G: I mean, she already bodysnatched. The body has been snatched, so.

C: Yeah, though, I guess there's like, added sin points for if you sell it for money or whatever the fuck. [G: I suppose so.] So that is like a way to read it that makes Aziraphale seem less annoying. [G: Yeah.] But like, he also seems to genuinely think that it's wrong, and that's the part that annoys me a lot.

G: Like, when Morag says like, "You're going to Hell," [laughs] Aziraphale straight up goes, “Quite right.” [both laugh] [C: Quite right!] Insane thing to say! I was shocked to my core yet again.

C: I guess it is a good reminder here that, like, Crowley's intentions in helping her- I mean, I think, partly it's because he wants her to get the money, but I think part of it really is just like, "Well, this is gonna be a point for me in my job. [G: Yeah.] And like, this is something that she's going to go to Hell for, and I am gonna help her do it." So yeah.

G: And Elspeth just goes like, "Well, it doesn't matter anymore, because nobody- like, this body is of no use to anyone other than to cry over, so like, are you gonna help me or not?" And Crowley, like, goes to help. Now they're like, back in the city proper, and like, they're walking through the streets. [C: Yeah, the body's in a barrel-] Labeled as pickled herring?

C: Pickled herring, in a font that also annoys me. [G laughs]

G: When did you become such a font snob? Has this always been the case? I just never realized?

C: It's just not the right font. Like, the idea is that it- it doesn't look handwritten enough, properly. Like, it looks like a fucking crayon font that you would find on an app, which I think that annoys me, that it looks like it was printed on. And I also think that the vibe of it is that it should be lowercase and slightly slanted, but it's not, so they should think about that.

G: Well, I don't think it should be lowercase. I think it shouldn't be lowercase. But whatever. [laughs] It's not the point. Well, it really shouldn't be lowercase. Have we considered? The set is also wonderful this episode. I just think the vibes of the episode are really good. Like, the grave set is beautiful, the city, it looks beautiful, the office of the surgeon looks- [C: Surgeon? Oh yeah. A lot of detail.] Yeah, it looks good. I don't know. I mean, it's wonderful, really. It's just, I am completely enamored by like, changes in setting. It's, you know, I like it. So seeing all this, and also, I mean, we'll talk about more later, but like, this episode really does have a different vibe. It has a different look and feel, and they do do kind of not do a good job with that later. [C laughing] My point is that throughout this episode, a constant thought of mine is like, "Wow! They're like, dealing with like, darker themes or like, more grounded and like, human morality kind of themes this episode." And I did like that. For a while. [C: For a while!] I mean, whatever. Whatever. Whateber, even. As they are walking through the street, Crowley is helping Elspeth pull on this wagon that's carrying the pickled herring. And Aziraphale is just on the side, being like, "Oh, don't do that! You shan't do it!"

C: It is a two-person job, so- I mean, Aziraphale would not be involved. Like, that is exactly what Aziraphale would do. This seems correct. [G: No, but it's so annoying to me!] But yeah, she's quite small, and it's sad that Aziraphale isn't offering to help. But he wouldn't, 'cause he sucks.

G: Later, both of them came with Morag and Elspeth in the graveyard, and like, didn't even do any digging. [C laughing] They were just standing around looking at shit. Like, it's so- what is this? [laughing] Aziraphale, pick up a fucking shovel, dude. [C: Yeah.] There's this one scene in Ace Attorney: Investigations 2 that I found so funny where it's like, Edgeworth is looking at the chairs, and, like, the other day, they were set up to be like, you know, like, chairs. And today, it has been folded and set aside to the side. Edgeworth makes like, some comment about like- Based on this comment, his detective was able to realize that like, "Oh, you have never like, put aside chairs? Like, you've never folded up a chair and put it aside?" And like, Edgeworth is just like, "No, it's just never happened." And his detective goes, "Mr. Edgeworth, you should do some manual labor in your life so that you could understand what it's like to be human more." [both laughing] You know what? Aziraphale, you should do some manual- put aside some chairs. Fold up some chairs and put them to the side. Maybe you'll get it more. But anyway, here we figure out that the bodysnatching is to get a body to the surgeon in exchange of some cash. And Aziraphale was just going, "But you don't have to do this! You can be a bookseller!" [C groans] And Elspeth is like, "I can't read very well-"

C: Yeah, in your purveyor of books to the gentry bookshop, Aziraphale?

G: Yeah. Yeah. And she goes, "I can't read very well, and I don't have a shop." And he goes, "Well, be a weaver then." Aziraphale literally started the Industrial Revolution. [both laugh] Literally. Like, he was like, “Let's put those kids in the fucking factories, you guys.” [C laughing] And she goes, "I can't quite remember exactly where I left my loom." And like, this entire time also, Crowley is like, doing like, little asides of like, "Ah, yeah! Hmm," like, teasingly towards Aziraphale. And Aziraphale is like, “Farming. Why don't you farm?” and Crowley goes, "Ah, bet you left your loom on your farm, didn't you?" [C laughs]

C: Also, Elspeth does establish if you get caught bodysnatching, you will be hanged. Yup.

G: They end up in an alley. There's like, a couple people in there. Towards the edge, there is this woman, and it's Morag. Elspeth goes up to her and like, they're like- they're like, each other's like- they provide for each other, I suppose. And this is where they sleep so like, in this alley, and like, she describes it as like, "piss-drenched patch." So like, not a wonderful life they're living. And Aziraphale and Crowley are just seeing all this, and they still didn't give her the money until the very end. [C: Yeah. Yeah.] What does Aziraphale even need money for?

C: I don't know. Like, books? [G: Ninety guineas!] But he can literally miracle more money! He literally can miracle any money.

G: A guinea is- how much is a guinea?

C: At the time, a guinea was the value of one pound and one shilling. [G: Damn.] But if you want to convert ninety guineas in 1827 to the modern day, I think that the random website that I found when I was watching this episode, I think it converts to about 7,000 like, US dollars? Or sorry 7,000 pounds-ish. And at the time that was about 470 days of wages for a skilled tradesman, or if we convert it to PHP, then it's-

G: 482,000 pesos. Well! [C: Just carrying it around.] Meh. What does he even need it for?

C: Yeah, you need a hundred guineas to be part of your gay sex club. [G: Yeah!] [laughs] I don't want to speak of the club disparagingly [both laugh] after we cried about it last season. I'm just really mad at him right now. [G: Yeah. Well-] Also, it wasn't even established yet, so he couldn't have used it on that membership. Question. Okay, you said that they provide for each other. What would you like, characterize the nature of their relationship besides that?

G: I don't know. Are we supposed to think this is like, a like- they're together romantically?

C: We are, according to the Word of God, which I think is stupid 'cause I think nothing in the episode indicates that in any way whatsoever. I think that this was bad writing, if that's what you wanted us to take from it.

G: I don't think- I don't know. I don't think that is what we're supposed to take from it from just like, watching the episode.

C: Yeah, exactly. When Neil Gaiman on his stupid Twitter- I mean, I don't want to read this whole thread because it's like, quite bad, and it gets into discourse, like, the way it started, but there is a point in a Tweet, where he says- he lists the couples in Season 2, and he says that they are Job and Sitis, Elspeth and Wee Morag, Gabriel and Beelzebub, and Crowley and Aziraphale. So he- First off, you don't even have the audacity as a co-author [G laughing]- of co-author- I can never quote that right. First off, you don't have the audacity as co-author to even get to make that call. [G: To be saying this shit! Yeah!] So, okay. But maybe it's something he talked about with Cat Clarke, and she said that was the intention. In which case, Cat Clarke, I don't think you're a very good writer. [G laughing]

G: Yeah. Well, I just- I don't think that's the vibe of these scenes. It's not giving off-

C: It's not the vibe that I'm getting either, like, in any way whatsoever. It's because they keep calling each other "pals." And like, I feel like if this was a situation where it's like, "Well, we can't be open about our relationship because of homophobia, but, like, we are still together," they would like, use a more ambiguous word like, partner or something, you know?

G: Yeah. But also, I mean, the thing is like, it's tough like. from this time period and stuff. It is very easy to make the argument of like, "Oh, they can't be open about it, because blah blah blah!" But like, you're writing a story. There are other ways to show us in fiction.

C: Yeah, like, she kisses her on the forehead when she dies, like, that could have been a moment of vulnerability where she stops hiding it. But like, it's not. It doesn't happen. And it's just not- it's not the vibe. Like, later, Wee Morag's like, "Okay, I'll help you get the body, 'cause that's what pals do." Like, that just doesn't really feel like a sentence that fits within like, a romantic construction of their relationship. [G: Yeah.] Like, obviously, couples can be whatever they want to be and etc etc. But like, it's a weird thing to claim that's like, canonically what's going on there when I don't think that the show shows it at all.

G: Something that I do- that this discussion is now reminding me of is like, all of those fucking like, you know when like, there's like, two women, and then they're writing to each other, and the writings are like, "I love you so much," and, like, the historians are like, "This person and their friend," blah blah. And like, fucking gay people on TikTok are like, [valley girl] "Oh my god! Like, the historians think they're just friends!" Like, it's so frustrating to me. Because, like, the reason why the historian is saying "friend" is because that is how it is said in the letter, in all of the evidence that they have. It's what is frequently said. It is how the relationship is described. And like, it comes both from the perspective of this kind of like, "Oh, the academia-" I mean, of course, there's a lot of issues with academia, like, fundamentally [both laugh], but like, you know, it's this kind of motif running around nowadays where like, "Oh, but the historians are purposely trying to hide something from you in regards to queer history."

C: They wouldn't! They would get a lot more papers published if they were able to prove a queer reading of these letters, in fact. They have an incentive to read it as gay. [G: Yeah.] But they're like, being cautious in terms of what they can claim.

G: Yeah. But like, the thing is like, there are other areas in history in terms of historical revisionism where you can apply this kind of thinking, I think, rather fairly. But to apply it to queer history is frustrating to- you know what I- whatever. Whatever. On one hand, it's that. Like, you think academia will hide gay people from you. And then the other part is like, “Do you not have friends?” [C laughs] Like, “Do you not understand how friends talk?” And I feel like this is like, a little bit what's happening here where it's like, "Oh, they're two women, and they're like, taking care of each other, therefore-" and it's like, "Therefore what?" [both laugh] Therefore what? If you want them to be romantic, then be explicit about it. Because friends also-

C: Well, thank god that you didn't, because Nina and Ma- no, wait. We promised to sequester. [both laughing] [G: Sequester!] Anyway, yeah.

G: Yeah. And we see that Morag is like, a little bit sickly, 'cause like, she's coughing and stuff. And like, Elspeth addresses Aziraphale directly by saying like, "Look, I'm just trying to keep Wee Morag and me alive, and it doesn't hurt anyone who isn't already dead, so you can shove your morals up your arse, Mr. McFell." So true of her. [C: Yeah.] And, I mean, there is this nice scene where like, Elspeth gives Wee Morag like, a sack of food or something, yeah, and Wee Morag was like, "Oh, well, you should have some, too." And Elspeth is like, "Oh, I've already eaten. Like, I had roasted chicken, butter potatoes, and like, two helpings of marmalade pudding, even," and like, you know, it's like this really nice scene of like, these two people trying to make do, and she's saying like, "I've eaten," and they both know she's lying, but like, you know, it's to lighten it up. And Wee Morag says, like, "Oh, you're a filthy liar, Elspeth McKinnes. And a wee angel." Which, the angel in this scene being a bit of a dick, you know, I feel like it is a nice writing choice to have Elspeth be described as an angel in this scene.

C: Yeah, agreed. And like, it didn't annoy me the way that other uses of the word angel annoy me in Season 2.

G: Yeah. [laughs] From Maggie's mouth, yeah. [C laughs] Are we too much of haters? No, but the thing is- the thing is- [C: It's just bad!] We need to sequester it, sequester it. But like, their only purpose so far in this season is to be like, romantically involved, and to have this fucking awning scene happen. [C: The plot, yeah.] And it's like, ugh! Like, maybe if they had other things going for them, you know? Like, we can be like, "Ah."

C: I guess Nina has her ex- or, not her ex. Her current shitty partner. But like, we don't even see Lindsay. [G: Yeah.] Like, we don't see Nina outside of the coffee shop.

G: Yeah. It's just a bit frustratin'. And Wee Morag asks about the barrel. And, you know, she's like, “Oh, please tell me you didn't.” And Crowley just goes, [bad Scottish accent] “Ach, she absolutely did.” I'm not gonna put on the accent anymore. [bad Scottish accent] “Nice, frrresh b-" [both laughing] Wait, I said I wasn't gonna put on the accent anymore! [laughing]

C: You're a filthy liar, Grey Lastname.

G: And a wee demon, even. Sometimes. [C: Yeah.] [laughs] Well, it is a nice, frrresh body, is the thing. [C laughing] Elspeth is like, "Oh, it's just for the one, and it's like, we can get a proper room with the money, and like, you won't even be hungry, like, when you go to bed." And as Elspeth walks away, Wee Morag says almost to herself, “You're going to Hell, hen.” And [laughs] Aziraphale, [C laughing] as I've said earlier, just walks up to her and goes, "Quite right. [C laughs] It was wonderful to meet you!" [both] What is this? What is this?

C: What a horrible thing to say! [G: Yeah.] I hope he dies! Is the idea just like, "Well, I'm trying to save Elspeth's soul, and it's good to know that she has an influence in her life that's like, doing the right thing, so I'm just gonna encourage that"? Like, is that what it is? Well, you could be less of a dick about it!

G: Well, they proceed to start walking towards the surgeon's office, and this entire time, like, Crowley, is the one pulling the barrel now. Like, it's only him. And Elspeth is like, standing beside them, and Aziraphale is still, like, you know, just walking beside Crowley and talking. And are we to assume that like-

C: Somehow, Elspeth can't hear any of this? [laughs] [G: Yeah.] Apparently.

G: You know what? I will just assume that they are having this conversation in- like, they're talking in another dimension. Like, she isn't privy to any of this. [C: Yeah.] But what happens is, you know, like, Aziraphale's like, “But this is bad!”

C: Yeah, he's just clearly like- again, if, like, this was fully just a "I'm trying to save her soul, but I personally don't have a strong opinion on body snatching," I'd be like, "Okay, fine." But he's clearly like, emotionally and morally outraged by this. [G: Yeah!] Like, he actually has a problem with it. It's- yeah. Well, shut up forever, dude. And that's why it does make the him turning the body into soup thing a little more odd, 'cause it's like, "Well, again, if it was just for her soul, that makes sense. But like, if you genuinely feel that this is like, a bad thing to desecrate a body, then, like, why'd you do that?"

G: I mean, I do wonder now, like, who weighs this? Who told that jurn- [laughing] I need to stop fucking "Who told that jurnalist"ing. But who weighs like, your sins?

C: No clue.

G: Is it like, you go to Heaven, and Heaven is like, "Nah, you don't make the cut," and you just automatically go to Hell? What is this?

C: Sure. Probably. Yeah. [both] I don't know. The Good Place tries to figure this out also.

G: Yeah. [C: No clue.] I mean, I know I frequently talk about me being Catholic, but I really don't believe in the Heaven and Hell business [laughs], so probably not. [C laughing] I think that's a big deal on what makes someone Catholic. It's like, I don't buy it, so. Yeah. Well, Crowley says, like, "I mean, I'm down with wicked, first and foremost. But like, also, is it really that wicked? Like, she needed the money." And Aziraphale is like, "I don't understand how money works or why people need it. [C laughing] But I am good, and you are evil. So-"

C: He says, "You, I'm afraid, are evil," which is so fucking funny.

G: Yeah. Why are you afraid? [both laughing] Why are you afraid, Aziraphale? Be brave. [both laugh]

C: He's such a funny little guy, it almost makes me forget how he ruined one to two girls' lives.

G: Yeah. Straightest thing he's ever done, even. Also, I know that "I'm afraid" is something people just say. [C laughs] I just like to make the "Why are you afraid?" joke. "Be brave."

C: It's a pretty funny response.

G: I will say it to everyone at every given opportunity every time they say "I'm afraid." I think it's so funny. "Why are you afraid?"

C: Don't be scared, Aziraphale. Buck up!

G: Aziraphale says here the stupidest thing he's ever said in his life, which is like, "I'm good. You're bad. But like, people actually get a choice, so they cannot be truly holy unless they also get the opportunity to be wicked."

C: Aziraphale says, "She is wicked."

G: And Crowley says, "It only works if you start everyone off equal. You can't start someone off like Elspeth and then expect her to do as well as someone born in a castle." And [laughing] Aziraphale says, "Ah, but that's the good bit! The lower you start, the more opportunities you have. So Elspeth here has all the opportunities because she's so poor!"

C: So this is book dialogue. [G: Is it?] Yes, it is book dialogue from 1020, is the thing. This was around- okay, around the time when they first started the Arrangement, it's a conversation they had. Aziraphale said his first bit about how like, the whole point is that humans get to choose. And then it takes Crowley three years to come up with the comeback of "you can't start someone off like that and expect her to do as well as someone born in a castle." And then Aziraphale does say the rest of that shit. And I think it works better in the book, because, like, again, it started during the Arrangement so clearly, like, Aziraphale's started doing temptations, right? So he's like, trying to, first, I guess, tell himself it's okay because all he's doing is like, providing humans with a choice, blah blah blah. And like, he's trying to tell himself that, like, there are no like, inequalities or class differences or like, issues with what he's doing because of this belief. And also like, again, this is like, 800 years before this scene happens, and I think that over the course of the Arrangement, after seeing, like, both sides of the Heaven and Hell job, he would not be like this anymore.

G: I think 1827 is a bit too late to still be like this, Aziraphale. [C: Uh-huh. Well.] I mean it is, you know, it is a common criticism of religion that, like, it really does- like, it benefits the people in power because, like, the whole thesis is like, "Oh, if you're poor like, it's fine. Heaven will provide you-" or blah blah blah. [C: Yeah.] So it's like, "It's okay to suffer here on Earth because the result would be eternal blessings up above in the afterlife." So I understand why Aziraphale- I mean, I don't understand. [C laughs] I completely lied. I said I understood, but I don't understand - why Aziraphale would- I mean, I understand that like- Okay, like, because what I'm trying to say here is like, "I'm not saying this to be like, 'Oh, why must my favorite little guy portray a trait that I don't like?'" Like, that's not the point. [C: Uh-huh. Right.] Here it's like, is it still appropriate for him to be in this mindset at this point? Like, has he not talked to a human being? [C laughs] Has he not?

C: Yeah. Truly cannot say why he is like this. It's definitely too late in the game for this to still be an opinion that he holds. But I don't know. The fact that he changes his mind so fast maybe implies that he was doing all the scandalous gasps like, for show, just 'cause he's like, "Well, that's what Heaven believes." Like, I feel like if he genuinely, strong- Well, but he also wouldn't give her the fucking money until Crowley like, forced it, so.

G: I don't know. It's so wild to me that, like, the good- the quote "good" deeds that Aziraphale can possibly do in this episode, he's still like, "Oh, but I shan't!" I don't know. I don't know. Like, the entire time while Wee Morag was dying, he was like, "Oh! I shall save her! Crowley, you must not stop me [both laughing] from saving this woman!" And then she fucking dies because he was giving his fucking annoying-ass speech! [C laughing]

C: [laughing] God, that was funny! And by funny, I mean, I wanted to wring both of their necks.

G: God. I mean, as you said last episode, right, like, Aziraphale, whose only feedback is Crowley, and also, like, the rest of Heaven, like, I do understand why there would be occasion for his wires to get crossed. So okay, fine. I'll take this as like, in character. [C laughs]

C: Sure.

G: Now we go to the part that is [laughing] completely ignoring the morality of the situation and just talking about Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship. [C: Yeah, go for it.] Okay. I do think it's interesting that this flashback, Crowley has like, is like, you know, helping this girl out. And like, we are- the vibe of most of the beginning of it really was like, "Oh, he's helping her out because it's the evil thing to do, and she's doing something wicked, and he's down with wicked." But like, you know, [C: The way it ends-] like, towards this conversation, Crowley is like, "Well, I do want to help her because she's poor, and she needs the money, and someone ought to," or whatever. Sso like, it's obvious that he doesn't agree with Aziraphale not just for the usual like, "I'm bad, you're good" reasons, but like, because there is the belief that like, "We need to help this girl out," you know? But he still lets Aziraphale talk to this girl like this and to like, do everything that he does this episode. And it is a bit frustrating to watch, like, as we said, from Elspeth's perspective. But like, from Crowley's perspective, what is Crowley doing here, right? Like, she's letting Aziraphale get to the conclusion on his own. [C: Yeah.] And I do like that, because given that their dynamic is angel and demon, if Crowley just straight up goes like, "Oh, Aziraphale, you're wrong, and like, you're actually doing the bad thing here," or whatever, it will be very easy for Aziraphale to go like, "Are you trying to tempt me, you fucking serpent?" [C: Yeah.] You know, like, it's very easy for Aziraphale to just brush it off. Crowley doing it like this is like, "No, you come to the conclusion yourself." And, like, last episode, I talked about the look that Crowley gives to Aziraphale like, with the goats and then later on, when they transformed Job's children back to being children. The look is like, "Well, what are you gonna do now?" It's both a challenge, but also like, an observ- like, it is just like, "I'm looking at you, and I'm observing you." There are elements of this in Season 1, right? Like, there's that bit with the paintball gun. But that is like, a step up from what is happening in the flashbacks, right? Here, Aziraphale and Crowley is like, the dynamic of the doer and the watcher. If Crowley pulled this shit in the opposite direction, Aziraphale would have absolutely no qualms to be like, "Stop doing that!" In fact, he's doing it right now. But like, with Crowley, Crowley, just like, does and then like, observes, and like, throws back a sarcastic line or other, but like, mostly just watches and like, lets Aziraphale catch up. And I do- I have been thinking about like, the fact that in the Crowley playlist that Amazon Prime released [C laughs], "Every Step You Take" is in that one, [C: "Every Breath You Take"?] and like, I laughed at it- "Every Breath You Take." And I did laugh at that one when I first saw it. I was like, "God! What a fucking corny-" But like, it literally is about every breath you take, every step you take, I'll be watching you. [laughs] Like, it really is, though. And I just think we need to get off our absolute nightmare/sweaterboy agenda [C: Oh, I mean, duh.], and we need to transform it into "who delights in a wonderful meal, and who rests their chin on their hand and watches as they-" [C: Yeah.] And like, that is their dynamic. And it's not just in food. It's here. This is what's happening too.

-

C: We cut to the Bentley, and it's Aziraphale looking so happy and carefree, and it's like, "You're so fucked up. You're fucked in the head. How could you? How dare you sit here having a nice time with your classical music after you did that? I hope you die. Forever." [G laughing] It's a jarring transition! Like, isn't it?

G: It is a little bit, yeah.

C: Yeah. It's like, he could like- these girls are like, the farthest from his mind that they could possibly be right now. And it's like, well I just saw you do that shit, so I hope you die. My note on when it switches is, "don't think I'll forgive you so fast. two seconds ago you were my worst fucking enemy." Unfortunately, I do forgive him very fast [laughs] 'cause this is a very cute scene. He's listening to Danse macabre on the radio, and he's like, talking to the Bentley like, "That's much better. What do we do? We play classical music that stays classical music." Why is he doing this? Whatever. Anyway, apparently, Crowley can feel everything that happens in the car [G laughs] so like, this is once more a BDSM scene is how I feel about that. [G laughs] So on the radio, Crowley talks to him on the radio, and is asking, "What are you doing?" And Aziraphale’s like, "No, everything's great. We're getting along terribly well together." And Crowley says that she can feel [G giggling] when you drive the Bentley under the speed limit. Huh? What can you feel, Crowley.

G: You know, I'm surprised I've not come across like, fanfic of this caliber. Yeah.

C: Yeah. It's somewhere. I don't recall reading any good ones, [G laughs] but it's definitely a concept that has taken root in the minds of people. And yeah, Aziraphale is driving at 30 miles per hour. Crowley yells at him to "Put your foot down." And Aziraphale tries to hit the accelerator but encounters resistance from the car, and he goes, “I'm awfully sorry. It doesn't seem to want to.” He's so incredibly smug this entire time, and it's quite endearing. And then the Bentley, like, manifests a little like, tray [G: Mm-hm!] of lemon candies or something for Aziraphale. [G: Lemon drops, yeah.] Aziraphale picks one up and puts it in his mouth, and Crowley goes, "Was that a travel sweet?" And Aziraphale, [laughs] clearly having something in his mouth, goes, “No.” [G laughs] And what if love is real and it was fine that he literally killed Wee Morag. What if everything's okay? The car passes by a group of people in a different car, and Aziraphale does a little honk for hello, and it's a very cute little sound. And Crowley goes, "My car does not make that noise. What are you doing to it? You've done something to the car, haven't you? I can feel it." And Aziraphale is denying it, and then Crowley goes, "My car is not yellow, it has never been yellow, it is not going to start being yellow now! Change it back!" [G: Yeah.] And while she's talking, we zoom outside, and the Bentley is yellow, and it's so fun! It's such a fun thing! I am a huge fan of this scene that happened. It is- yeah. [G: Yeah.] It's beautiful. I love it. It's great.

G: Yeah! Even the tire- like, I don't know what to call them. [C: Yeah, the hubcaps?] The inside of the tires. Yeah. It's fucking yellow, too. I think it's wonderful.

C: Yeah, yeah, I love it. So like, was this an intentional miracle? 'Cause Aziraphale's fucking bold if he did that on purpose.

G: Maybe not- I mean, we have established that, like, the Bentley is kind of- what is the Bentley? Is the Bentley, like, sentient? What is it?

C: It seems semi-sentient, yeah.

G: Yeah. But like, how? How much? Is it like C-3PO sentient?

C: I've never watched Star Wars.

G: That's true. And I haven’t either, I just know that C-3PO was gay as hell. [laughs] [C: Yeah. That's true.] That's a complete lie. I did watch it. I just thought it would be funny to say. [both laughing]

C: Yeah, I think that it just generally can sense like, what the driver wants and can change a little based off of that. I mean, that could just be like fully a miracle where things change depending on what Aziraphale and Crowley expect or whatever, but I don't know. I think it's more fun to think that Bentley did all this by itself.

G: I mean, I think it is a bit cute if that's the case, that the Bentley sees Aziraphale as equivalent in like, ownership as Crowley. [C: Yeah.] Like, this is their car!

C: Aw, yeah. "And that's technically my bookshop, but we both get plenty of use out of it, don't we?" He's crazy. Crazy thing to say. Aziraphale says, sort of petulantly, "But it's pretty!" God. Thank you, Michael Sheen for playing gay. It's so good that you did that.

G: It is a bit shocking every time I hear Michael Sheen like, talk in his voice.

C: It's like, "Oh, he is heterosexual!" [G laughs]

G: Like, he did put on a gay voice for this angel. Good for him!

C: Yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess there could be an argument that it's like- but I don't care. He should do it. He should do it as much as he wants.

G: What? What's the argument?

C: I don't know. Like, the book describes people being like, "Aziraphale's definitely gay," so then, like, he puts on a gay voice. Like, I guess there's a way to think of that like, "Huh! Is that like, a bad thing to do?" but like, well, that is Aziraphale's voice, so there.

G: I don't think it's a bad thing! People do sound gay. Like, that is a thing.

C: Yeah. Good for him. I mean, there's nothing about his voice in the book, but I think one can extrapolate from there. And in, like, the audiobooks and the radio drama, they also make his voice gay.

G: All they talk about in the book is that Aziraphale’s hands are so manicured it's so unreal. And you know what? I am a bit sad that they don't put more camerawork on [both laughing] showing off Aziraphale's hands enough. [C: Yeah.] You should blow your budget on putting fifteen cameras on Aziraphale's hands at all times.

C: I mean, let's not recreate Fingers In My Mouth Friday here. [G laughs] But yeah.

G: Why not?

C: True. Why not? Fingers In My Mouth Friday, here we come. And we will. So Crowley says that if Aziraphale doesn't change it back right now, they're gonna start selling people books. In fact, he might even give some away. And the yellow begins to- okay, like, the accelerator goes down, fully by itself. The music changes from Danse macabre to a rock version of the theme song, and we zoom outside, and the yellow fades away from the Bentley, and, like, the last thing that changes the is, the hubcaps. [G: Is the tires!] And yeah, every time, I'm like, "No! Just stay there! Just stay there. Maybe this time it won't change," but it does change. I think the Bentley looks great with just yellow hubcaps. It's got like, little daisies for wheels. How fun! [G: Exactly.] Yeah, there's a bit more driving, we see, like, some mountains [G: Nessie] and then, like, a bad CGI Nessie.

-

G: So, we're in Hell, baby. We like, enter a room with the demon. Like, a demon enters a room, and Beelzebub is there, and ze are asking about Gabriel, right? Like, any news about Gabriel. And I think this is the point in the episode where I can see that, you know what? I do like the new Beelzebub. I think the look has grown on me. I like it. I like- Well, you mentioned the teeth as fun, and while I do agree with that, I think what I like most is the hair. Although I think the hair is a bit similar to last season's Beelzebub, too. But I think it works. Like, that is Beelzebub! A person I've never [C laughs] observed closely or know as a character. [laughs] But like, that is Beelzebub! I think the reason why I hated the look, like, in Episode 1 is because I just hated Episode 1 fundamentally as a person. [C: Yeah.] So like, everything. I wasn't able to sequester. But you know what? Sequestering works, and I like this look. Beelzebub is just asking about Gabriel. And ze're kind of like, concerned about this, and also like, throughout the scene, like, there's an era of like, being like, bit sad, bit dejected, etc, which [C: Dissatisfied with job as well.] I know how this goes, right? I know what happens this season. But like, you didn't, right, when you were watching? [C: Yeah.] What'd you think of all this?

C: Like, nothing. I was just like. "Okay. Like, ze's trying to get Gabriel, for I don't know, Hell reasons. Whatever. [laughs] And any sadness is probably just about the thwarted apocalypse, and like, trying to find meaning in the world now that, like, the planned end of the world didn't come."

G: But I mean that's a nice interpretation, because, like, Crowley is experiencing the exact same thing, and it is fun to think about how like, Crowley and Beelzebub are experiencing the exact same things, even though they are in the opposite ends of the [C: Hierarchy.] apocalypse situation. [C: Yeah.] I mean, the thing is, this season did come out all at once, so I feel like there's less like, suspense with regards to the Beelzebub and Gabriel thing, right?

C: Yeah. I mean, I did find out within the day, yeah.

G: Is it such a massive spoiler that I've known about this.

C: Yeah, I think so.

G: Mm. Sad! [C: Sad!] Well, I will never be able to watch this season with fresh eyes. Yeah, Beelzebub starts talking about, "Oh, do you ever think, wouldn't it just be nice if someone told you you were doing a good job?" And the demon - does this demon get a name? Do we see this demon ever again?

C: Not that I recall.

G: Yeah. Well, the demon just starts like, rambling on and on and on about how, "Oh, like, it's a good day for me if you don't send me to the dung bits, or also if nobody rips my tongue out for talking too much." And then like, it's like, a very long, you know, thing, and then it ends with the demon going like, "Oh, am I talking too much? Are you gonna rip my tongue out again?" But Beelzebub's just like, "I don't give a shit," you know? And then, as the demon walks out, the demon turns around and addresses Beelzebub like, "Oh, are you alright?" Beelzebub- is Beelzebub like, head of of- like, is Beelzebub the previous Gabriel? You know what I mean. Like, the equivalent of Gabriel?

C: Yeah, I think they occupy similar leadership positions. Though, okay, well, Beelzebub is Lord of the Flies, Prince of Hell. [G: Mm-hm.] Alright, so Dagon has the position as zem. But you know, I think they're-

G: Gabriel and Michael are both archangels, yeah.

C: Yeah, I think we're meant to think that ze's got like, the same position as Gabriel.

G: You know what? It should have been Beelzebub and Muriel. [laughs]

C: Yeah. You know what? Yeah. Why not?

G: It will be so funny if, like, the highest position person in Hell fell in love with the employee that everyone hated so much it's unreal in Heaven. Why not?

C: Yeah. Yeah. 37th order scrivener, let's go.

G: Let us go. Anyway, like, you know, Beelzebub just goes back to being normal demon angry at this demon.

C: I think I like this scene because it like, reminds you of the torture that they do in Hell. [G: Ahh. Yeah.] Like, it is mostly played as a joke, but yeah, you get your tongue ripped out, like, there are dung pits, and also, like, at the beginning of the scene, Beelzebub like, rings a bell, and someone screams, which, like, implies that that person is like, part of the bell's mechanisms or something, right? So I feel like it's a good way to remind us that, like, "Yeah, Crowley is gonna be going through some like, genuine, like, physical torture shit at the end of the flashback."

G: Yeah. [sympathetic sound] Crowleyy.

C: Crowleyy. And that is even Crowley. [G laughing]

-

G: Okay, so now we are back in the bookshop, and a couple things happening. So I mean, the first thing we see is Gabriel is holding a book.

C: Yeah, My Best Games of Chess. [G: Huh.] It's just like, by a famous chess player, and it's just like, diagrams and shit of like, the moves that he made.

G: Mm-hm. Gabriel is like, looking at this book like, "Hmm. What is happening?" And then, like, elevating a little bit off the table, letting it go, and then it falls back down. And this is mind-boggling to him. And we see Crowley like, going down the staircase, like, in the middle of the bookshop, holding a bunch of books. And this keeps on happening.

C: Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what she's trying to do

G: Like, what even is going on inside of Crowley's head? Does Crowley just think this is what Aziraphale does on his free time?

C: [laughing] Whole day? Yeah like, "Well, now that I'm now in charge of the shop, I bet what Aziraphale does is just move stacks of books around and then throw them away."

G: Exactly. And it is exactly what he does. Bringing books about.

C: Yeah, I mean, I know that some people think that he's realphabetizing it properly, but like, I don't think so.

G: I don't think so either.

C: Yeah, I mean book Crowley stress-alphabetizes his records, so it would make sense that if Crowley is currently stressed, she would stress-realphabetize the books, but no, that's not the vibe.

G: I feel like alphabetizing the books requires alphabetizing, and not, you know, bringing a pile over and then throwing it off to the side. [C laughs]

C: I mean, it seems like they only get thrown when Crowley is like, "Oh, I have to do something else." [G laughs] Like, I don't think the throwing is the goal. [G: Well, I think it's quite funny.] It's pretty funny. [G: I think it's funny. Pretty funny!] It's a funny physical gag. Crowley's outfit in this scene, she's not wearing a suit jacket or a blazer or any kind of a jacket. [G: Yeah.] It's like, a long-sleeved black henley [G: Argh! Sorry.] [C laughs] and then like, the tie, and then they have, like, these sleeve cuff things like, metal circles around the sleeves around the biceps area, the bottom of the biceps area. And yeah. Cute!

G: I do love a Henley. Crowley sees what Gabriel is doing and goes like, "Oh, yeah, that's gravity. It's what happens when objects are pulled together or something."

C: Yeah, I love that he didn't have to talk to Gabriel. Like, currently, his job is minding the bookshop and making sure Gabriel doesn't go out. Like, there was no need to explain, but like, they saw what was going on and was like, “Yeah. I do wanna explain this.”

G: Gabriel asks why, and, you know, like, when you ask why for like, "Why gravity?" typically, the answer would be like, "Oh, because, like, push and pull," whatever whatever. I like that like, the way Crowley answers it is like, "Why did we make it? I don't know." [laughs] Yeah. [both] Felt like a good idea when we were talking about it.

C: What hierarchy do you have to be at to have like, invented gravity or be part of the team that invented gravity Definitely not the Archangel Raphael, Neil Gaiman, don't you fucking dare.

G: Exactly.

C: I also think that if Crowley used to be an archangel like,: I feel like that would like, that means that she used to know Gabriel pretty well. Like, I don't get that vibe at all.

G: So yeah, he says, like, "Oh, it's so things would stay where you put them, not just draft off." And Gabriel's like, "Well, it doesn't stay. It goes down. Except for the flies! They go up." Well, again, there's flies in the bookshop. [C: Yep.] I'm assuming, like, what Beelzebub thinks is happening is they're keeping Gabriel- like, does Beelzebub know that Gabriel has lost his memories? Probably not. I don't know. [C: Probably not.] So like, maybe the idea here is "Oh, they're keeping my darling, darling Gabriel in the bookshop."

C: Well, given the miracle, ze also wouldn't know that this is Gabriel. Or what's your question/theory?

G: I mean, later, when Shax was like, "Oh, Beelzebub knows." So like, Beelzebub knows, right?

C: Well, 'cause of the miracle, like, the angels also suspected 'cause of the miracle, right? [G: Yeah.] Like, what do you think the flies are?

G: I don't know. I mean, 'cause I was thinking like, "Is this like, Beelzebub like, spying on the bookshop?" [C: That is also what I thought when I first watched it.] But, like, I mean, demons cannot go into the bookshop. Demon-adjacent flies, can they? [both] I don't know. Maybe Aziraphale wrote it in the sigil. "The flies can go in. Why not?" [C laughs] [C: Yeah.] Let's get dengue up in this thing, yeah. [C: Yeah.] So Crowley pivots from that to explaining the plan! [C: Yeah, yeah.] Like, she really wanted to explain the plan!

C: This is what happens when you don't give your partner positive reinforcement. [G: Yeah.] He starts explaining the plan to fucking Gabriel. [G laughs]

G: Which is the worst possible thing that one could possibly do, yeah. [C: Exactly.] He explains the plan, and it's Operation Lovebirds. So it's just, once they're near an awning, there would be rain, and they would look into each others' eyes under the awning and, vavoom.

C: Yeah, which is the name of the paint color in the backroom of the bookshop, the yellow-orange one. Fun fact.

G: How do you even know this? The set designer?

C: The set designer Tweeted about it.

G: That's cute. Well, that's a bit cute.

-

C: We return to 1827 with them taking the body to Mr. Dalrymple's, the surgeon. Aziraphale in the narration says that he was "determined to thwart Elspeth's monstrous plan." Alright. Yeah, and then when the door opens, like, Aziraphale tells Dalrymple, [scandalized] “I'm sorry to inform you that this is not pickled herring!” Like, alright, girl. Do whatever you want. So they go inside with the body, and, I mean, as we said, it's a cool set. Like, you know, there's blood and organs in jars and all that shit everywhere. It looks grimy and oily. And Mr. Dalrymple, like, just wipes his hand off on like, a pretty dirty cloth, and Crowley makes a comment about how like, "You should probably think about washing your hands. It's gonna be all the rage in a few years." Aziraphale's looking around at all the organs, and like, being offended and shit, while Crowley introduces both of them as doctors. So Aziraphale thinks, "It would have taken a miracle to render that freshly buried body unsellable." So then he does a stupid fucking miracle where he turns the body into soup. Mr. Dalrymple’s like, offended that Elspeth would waste his time with something like this, and Elspeth is trying to like, still get some money out of this by saying that this is half price, whatever, but, you know, it doesn't work. Crowley is also trying to help by saying, “Hey, you could try fishing out the teeth and selling those,” but nah. Elspeth can tell that Aziraphale's responsible for this somehow, and then she leaves, angrily. Sorry, girl. So Crowley and Aziraphale are alone with Mr. Dalrymple. Aziraphale asks Crowley to miracle him to be open to having a conversation with them. And Crowley does it. Crowley goes like, "Oh, of course," basically about it. Which is like, what? Why? I mean, you had your commentary about how the point of this is for Aziraphale to figure it out by himself, so I guess, is Crowley just thinking, like, "Yeah, okay, like, if we talk to the surgeon about it, and he explains, Aziraphale might come around"?

G: Yeah. Also, like, the time stopping. Like, Aziraphale requests it of Crowley. [C: True.] Is this a Crowley-exclusive power? [C: Maybe.] Do we ever see Aziraphale pull this shit?

C: I guess not. Not that I can recall. Yeah, 'cause Crowley does it in 1793, in the Apocalypse, and also here.

G: God. What if Crowley is an archangel?

C: No, I don't want it! If it happens, I'm gonna close my eyes and plug my ears until it's over.

G: [laughing] I will gag. I will retch.

C: I will retch, yeah. Aziraphale's saying, "I did a very good thing, then." I hope he fucking dies. And then he says to prevent future sales of Elspeth coming back here, he has to cut off the demand side of things as well as the supply. I was literally so right when I said that Heaven invented all basic economic concepts. Like, they did. Fuck off. So yeah, you know, the miracle happens. Crowley adds that they should discuss it over a good whiskey, perhaps. And Dalrymple invites them to sit down, have a drink, and talk about his work. Apparently, [overlapping] the whiskey isn't that good [G: The whiskey seems to be bad.], 'cause yeah, we cut to later, and it's Aziraphale sniffing it and making a face, so yeah. And what Mr. Dalrymple says is that he doesn't like doing this, but it's necessary to teach students anatomy and basic physiology. Also that it'd be nice if there were more murderers who got hanged because people are fine with him autopsying those. Or not- I keep saying autopsy. That's not- What's the right word? Dissecting. There we go. People are fine with dissecting murderers. Crowley goes, "Excellent idea! More murders. I'll drink to that." But, you know, in the voice. And Aziraphale makes the only good point that he's ever made, but the episode treats it like it's a stupid idea, right? [G: Yeah. Yeah.] Did this not put you off so much?

G: I was confused why this is the thing that changes Aziraphale’s mind.

C: Aziraphale, again, only good point he's made this entire episode, which is, "If you're in such dire need of bodies why not dig them up yourself instead of making the poor and the desperate do it?" Mr. Dalrymple like, scoffs, and he's like, "Seriously? Like, it can't be the best use of my time to be sneaking around in graveyards, risking death instead of teaching and studying and saving lives." And, like, Crowley says, "That's a good point," so it's like, the episode is really going full ham on the like, "Aziraphale was so fucking stupid to say that." But like, he wasn't so fucking stupid to say that! But it also seems like an out-of character line for him to say, given where he's been so far. [G: Yeah.] 'Cause like, that sentence seems to be like, "I understand that you're exploiting like, the desperation of starving people in order to get this, and I feel like you need to have your own skin in the game for this." Like, that is way too elevated of a sentence for him when he's been like, "I don't understand why you're sad when you're starving. You should go own a farm!" So they have him say this, even though I don't think he's here yet, and then they have, like, two people shoot him down. Weird! Like, what are we sure supposed to take away from this? Like, I know what we're supposed to take away from this. My question is why?

G: [laughs] Why are we supposed to-

C: Why are we supposed to take away from this? It's quite annoying.

C: Also, later, Mr. Dalrymple, like, it's not just about like, "Oh, what's a better use of my time?" It's also like, we see him later, and he's like [G: Yeah!] classist as fuck! [G: Yeah!] He's awful!

G: Like, he underpays Elspeth despite knowing that this is like [both], her friend! Who died trying to get you a body.

C: And then is like, doing the equivalent of [G: "Oh, you're gonna drink gin?"] of, you know, "I bet that homeless person is gonna spend that money on drugs" to her. Yeah. It's pretty fucked! And whatever. We'll get to it when we get to it, but later, when Crowley reacts to Mr. Dalrymple’s death, it seems like they like, considered him like, somewhat of like, a friendly acquaintance. Like, no! Like, he sucks. Were we supposed to like him? Like, no, we weren't. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get what's happening. Mr. Dalrymple points to a jar with like, this lump of flesh in it, and goes like, "You're both medical men," and Crowley goes, "Eh." And I would like- I think that it's 'cause she's a woman right now. That's how I feel about that. But like, I mean, it could be read either way. It's like a "I know I lied to you about being a doctor, but now that we're actually being put to the test, I'm gonna take that back." But, you know, the "eh" could be about the "men." It could be about the "men" part of it. Mr. Dalrymple asks them their professional opinion on the flesh lump. Crowley tries, but does not have one and passes the jar to Aziraphale. And I guess I- Aziraphale does not let go of the jar for the rest of the scene, and I-

G: Well, I thought the scene where Aziraphale was trying to figure out the thing, and like, points at the foot on the other side of the room and goes, "That's a foot. So this is definitely not a foot." [laughs] I don't know, I thought that was funny. [C: Yeah. Yeah, it is.] Process of elimination!

C: Good for him. He could play Ace Attorney. Yeah, Aziraphale doesn't let go of the jar for the rest of the scene, and I do- I do care. That is a thing I care about. So Mr. Dalrymple says, "Okay, if both of you can't identify it, then, like, obviously, like, my students, wouldn't be able to either. So it's really important that we understand bodies. 'Cause this is a tumor I removed from a 7-year-old boy." And Aziraphale just looks at it kind of startled and goes, "Oh. Oh, dear. And is he-?" And Mr. Dalrymple shakes his head. Kid died. And throughout the rest of this, like, Aziraphale, he looks so stricken. And he looks at the jar, and then he hugs it close to his chest, like, in like, a protective manner, and as he's bringing it closer to him, he also does a brief glance upwards, like, at God, which, yeah. I really enjoy when either of them look up. Man. Man. And he he hugs it, yep, for the rest of the fucking scene, and. Mm. I care. Unfortunately, I care, even though he's wearing clown shoes

G: Clown shoes, fucking red-ass clown nose, even. [C laughs]

C: And Mr. Dalrymple ends with like, "I'm just trying to save lives and teach students. I either end up with a knighthood or condemned as a resurrectionist and hanging from a rope." This was improv, the hugging part. [G: Aww.] Most of this season is very scripted, but this was improv. And yeah. [pained sound]

-

G: Now we arrive in Edinburgh, and Aziraphale has put on a different coat.

C: Yeah. And a hat!

G: Yes, a hat with like, a little note on the side.

C: Yeah, I think it's the note that came with the record, like, when Maggie gave it to him. So it's like, it has the address. [G: Aww! Address, yeah.] Yeah. It's in his hat, looking all jaunty. He's soo cute.

G: Like, he has a little briefcase, even [C: Mm-hm!], and he's very happy. I don't know. It's cute. And then he goes towards The Resurrection pub, and like, we see that, like, the little sign on it is of Jesus being resurrected, but the other side is of Mr. Dalrymple. But at this point, he only sees the Jesus version. So he enters the pub, and he sees the record player, and also, there's a bartender over at the counter. So he goes up to the bartender, and putting on the most voice ever [C: Mm-hm!] goes like, "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm what's known as a newspaperman." [C: A newspaperman.] Who told that newspaperman? [both laughing] And he asked, like, "Is this The Resurrectionist public house?"

C: Yeah. And the tone of voice is like he's saying something secretive, and like, yeah. He's so cute.

G: The bartender just looks behind him at the giant “Resurrectionist” pub sign, and he's like, "Yeah? Are you like, an investigative reporter or something?" And like, Aziraphale is so happy to be recognized with his fake job, just like Muriel. [C: Exactly like Muriel.] And goes like, I'm here to get the skinny lowdown [C exclaims] on that mysterious song that played itself. And, you know, he asked for the facts, and the guy starts talking and immediately, Aziraphale is like, "I don't really give a shit. [C laughs] But you know, for atmosphere-"

C: "For what we inkslingers call atmosphere."

G: Oh yeah! I forgot about the inkslinger! Yeah. He shows the image of Gabriel [C: The drawing.] that he was drawing the other day.

C: And he's in the archangel suit with a smarmy expression. So yeah, it's nice- I don't know, it's a good moment where it's like, "Yeah, that is still how he thinks about him." Like, the declawed Jim has not overwritten his memories of Gabriel.

G: The bartender at first being like, "I cannot possibly- you cannot possibly expect me to remember-" but like, he does remember Gabriel. And he wasn't alone. He was just with another mason. The bartender also said that, like, they usually get masons here. It's just never anyone with clothes as fancy as Gabriel's.

C: Aziraphale doesn't even ask what the other person looked like. He was like, "My work here is done! I investigated." [G: Yeah!] And then he just fucking leaves? [G: Yeah!] Like, he drove all the way to Edinburgh for this. [G: Exactly.] He didn't ask about like, security camera footage. He didn't do shit. This is like, a completely useless thing that's happening on my screen right now, and it takes up a whole episode. He's cute, but like-

G: This could have been an email.

C: Exactly! He could've just called.

G: I mean, the thing is like, this season is very slow. Like, nothing happens.

C: And they keep going places for no reason.

G: Yeah. But like, the thing is, I like it because all the not-happenings are happening between [laughs] Aziraphale and Crowley! So it's fine.

C: Yeah, I mean, that is why some people like Season 2. [G: Yeah.] I'm just incredibly frustrated that he drove all the way here for several hours just for that. Is he stupid? [G laughing] Like, what is it?

G: Yeah, he doesn't give a shit. I mean, is this just to set up that like, Aziraphale is not in the bookshop, so like, when whatever happens next episode, it's like, I don't know, it can happen?

C: Well, he should have at least fucking asked what the person looked like? [G: That's true!] It's a very basic thing to do. Even if the guy was like, "I don't remember," I'd be like, "Well, at least Aziraphale tried." Like, it just seems like such a massive oversight that he asked one question and then was like, "Alright, I did it! I investigated." and left. Ugh. I don't know. Maybe it's just 'cause I watched like, too much Elementary recently, but, like, I don't know. Weren't you also like, "Well, that was a very bad investigation, and he should have asked what the other person looked like"?

G: Well, you know what? 'Cause the thing is, you always do this. You're like, "Ugh, Aziraphale like, pointed out that typo so hard and so raw. What is he?" And I'm like, "Well, he's a guy who points out typos so hard and so raw." [C laughs] like, that's the way I feel about this investigation. [C: That he's dumb?] "Ah, Aziraphale did a very bad job at this investigation." Well, Aziraphale is the kind of guy to do a very bad job with an investigation, so. [C laughs]

C: If that's like, a known fact, I'm surprised, like, Crowley didn't like, workshop a list of questions with him beforehand.

G: How are we to know that it's a known fact?

C: That Aziraphale's so bad at investigating? [G: Yeah.] I'm sure it had to come up within their long acquaintance. Also, like, during the phone call, Crowley could have been like, when does Aziraphale was like, "Oh, like, I found out he was with someone else, but I have no clue who," like, I feel like anyone on the phone would be like, "Well, did he describe what they looked like?" Like, you know, anything like that. But like, it doesn't. It doesn't happen.

G: Well, maybe that's why they had to have Crowley hang up immediately because they were like, "We can't have Crowley asking questions!" [laughs]

C: God-coded for real.

G: Do you think Crowley would be good at investigation? I feel like they, again, would fancy themselves a bit of a James Bond, doing little scheming heists.

C: I think that she- yeah, has- Crowley at least knows what like, the basic first questions you would ask as a detective or whatever would be. I mean, Aziraphale clearly is like, a fan of the detective genre in some way, if he like, changed his whole outfit. [G: Yeah!] Like, if he's like, "I think investigative journalists are so cool, and I'm gonna put on my investigative journalist outfit," like, he would have consumed enough investigative journalist media that he would know what the basic fucking questions to ask are!

G: Yeah, but he's way too excited [C sighs] to even think about that. He just happened to be an inkslinging newspaperman.

C: I mean, also, why is he so excited? This shit is- like, his life is on the line here. [G laughing]

G: Well, he's having a silly, goofy time! [C laughs]

C: Yeah, you know, that is an example of a situation where I'll be like, “That's a great explanation. No more questions asked." He is just having a silly goofy time. [G: Yeah.] Also, this has been an area of debate within the fandom. Do you think he knows about the Book of Life erasure threat?

G: Oh, probably not.

C: Interesting. I just assumed Crowley would have told him at some point, but a lot of people are like, "'Cause we didn't see a scene of Crowley telling him, he probably doesn't know." Tell me why you think he doesn't know.

G: 'Cause he's so happy and so unfazed by everything constantly.

C: Mm. It's true. He is so happy. It's still sort of a matter of life or death. But I guess he's just like, "Well, I trust that Crowley will be able to make Nina and Maggie do the love thing, so the angels will just back off, and then we just have to-" He still knows that Gabriel said that something terrible was gonna happen, though, and he seems to have no urgency whatsoever trying to figure out what that something terrible is.  We could see that they were stressed about the Apocalypse. Like, why isn't he stressed right now at all? What's going on his head?

G: Well, it's not the Apocalypse!

C: It's the archangel of Heaven saying something terrible's happening who's also lost all his memory, and also, like, all the angels, are trying to track him down. Like, does that not seem like a near-apocalyptic level of like, situation?

G: No. No. It just seems like they have internal conflict. I mean, the way Gabriel posed it is like, "Something bad will happen to me if I don't go here," so. Do you remember how like, Aziraphale is trying to describe the situation to Crowley, which is like, "We need to help Gabriel 'cause Gabriel has no one." [C: That's true.] It's never like, "Something bad is going to happen to the entire world," so.

C: So he's considering this investigation as a favor to Gabriel? [G: Probably.] In that case, slack off as much as you want, babygirl. Go! [G laughing]

G: Exactly. He doesn't give a shit, because, I mean, who give a shit about Gabriel, probably, is the thinking.

C: You know what? You've convinced me. [G: 'Course I have.] He purposefully just didn't ask anything. He doesn't give a shit. He just wanted to drive.

-

C: So we go back to 1827, and Aziraphale has shown back up in the alley and is offering to help because, "You were right. Bodysnatching alleviates human suffering! That is a good thing." This seems to be operating off of, like, a new standard of morality than he was before. Like, this is like- why's he switched to like, utilitarianism? This doesn't really change like- Again, like, every time I think about it more, my "he's trying to save her soul" thing seems to get less and less accurate given the twists and turns of his thinking throughout this episode. I mean, maybe it's like, "this entire action, because it alleviates human suffering on a utilitarianism whatever way, like, it actually means that I was wrong in thinking that it was a sin in the first place, and it will actually help your soul"? Like, is that where he's working from now?

G: Yes. I think that is what he's working from now, which is why I was asking earlier, like, "Who weighs this stuff?" 'Cause like, I mean, like, that's kind of what Aziraphale is thinking now, right? [C: I guess.] Like, it weighs differently now that it will result to a good thing. [C: Sure.] I don't know. Like, of course the main concern here is that, like, human suffering of poverty is somehow less of suffering than [C: Disease, yeah.] other types of suffering. Yeah.

C: Well, she could just go find her loom on her farm, you see, so she's just doing this for no reason! Ugh. Anyway, Elspeth doesn't trust him at first, and also Wee Morag think that people whose bodies get dissected don't make it to Heaven, and Aziraphale's like, "Actually, that's not really how it-" but yeah. And then Crowley cuts in with "Heaven isn't all it's cracked up to be, you know." Which, I mean, I guess we don't actually know how humans are treated in Heaven. We know they're tortured in Hell, but like, are they having a good time in Heaven?

G: How do you know they're tortured in Hell? Are they just- oh, 'cause Crowley says "You won't like it in Hell" [C: To the Nazis-] yeah.

C: Morag's reluctant but agrees to help, "Because that's what pals do. But it still doesn't make it right." [both laughing] And Aziraphale goes, [both] "That's the spirit!"

G: [laughing] Literally buck up, Hamlet! Kill yourself!

C: But he literally just said it was right! So like, what? He says, "So, as I was saying, big thumbs up from me. Dig up as many bodies as you like." The narration goes, "Having realized the error of my ways, I resolved to assist Elspeth and Wee Morag in their noble quest to decrease human suffering." God, and he literally did.

G: [laughing] He didn't! He just stood there! [C laughing] He didn't assist in any way, shape, or form.

C: He says that he took the time to inspect the lethal security devices in the graveyard, but he didn't even like, take any time to nullify them. [G: Literally.] Like, he was just like, "Wow! It's so cool how if you trip this wire, a cannon will fire a cannonball into your chest" and then did nothing about it. And Crowley also did nothing about it. He's talking out loud about the graveguns, and Crowley cuts in with like, "Oh, so the rich can afford all this gubbins to protect their rellies from being dug up, and the poor have to lump it. And you're okay with that, right?" Ugh. I love you, armchair socialist Crowley. Aziraphale doesn't have to answer because Elspeth and Wee Morag are finishing up. I mean, Elspeth's the only one digging. Elspeth's finishing up the digging. I don't even know why these others had to come with her.

G: Like, why is Morag here?

C: Yeah, it's not like her help was required to get a new body. Like, Elspeth was doing just fine on her own.

G: One, her help wasn't required. Two, she's obviously sick already, right? Like, she's coughing, she's huddled on herself, etc etc.

C: Yeah, she's cold. Very contrived. It doesn't make sense. A lot of this episode doesn't make sense. I mean, you said that you liked it, but you seem as happy to complain as I am.

G: Oh, that's because I just love to complain in general.

C: Fair. Elspeth opens the coffin, and there's like, the body inside. It doesn't even look scary, but Wee Morag screams and falls backwards and trips over a wire and then gets a gravegun unloaded into her. Sorry, girl. Wouldn't have happened to me. So the watch get alerted, so they come to try to arrest them, and Aziraphale and Elspeth are helping get Morag out of there. Aziraphale miracles open the crypt so they can hide. Meanwhile, Crowley sends the watch falling down a giant fucking hole. Like, those people are dead, right? Like, Crowley did a murder? Two murders?

G: I mean, I thought it was very funny. But like, those people are dead. [C: Yeah, it was really funny.] He overdid it with the hole! [laughs]

C: Yeah. Overdid it with the hole. Yeah, so they all head inside. You know, Elspeth is like, laying Wee Morag out and like, saying soothing things to her. Aziraphale is just talking and talking, and he's going, “I'm gonna save her. I know it's not technically allowed, but this is all my fault, and I really can't bear it if that young woman- I could heal her.” And the whole time Crowley’s sort of like, trying to like, shush him or something. [G: Yeah.] And Aziraphale is just like, "No no no, it's the right thing to do, stop arguing with me, blah blah blah." And then he turns around, and the thing is, she is still alive. She's still alive for a good five seconds or something before she dies, and then, like, it's like, supposedly too late. Like, he still could have done it! Like, the pacing of this bothered me a lot. Like, this would have made sense if Crowley was like, "No no no, look. Like, she already is dead right now." But, like, she wasn't, and she still wasn't when Aziraphale turned around. [G: Yeah.] So like, what was that about? They just had to cut this like, slightly differently, and I wouldn't be the most annoyed person who's ever been annoyed, but unfortunately, they didn't, so I'm incredibly annoyed! Elspeth’s devastated, and she kisses Wee Morag on the forehead, and there's like, a moment where they're all just sort of standing there. And then Elspeth looks up and goes, “Will one of you fetch the cart?” And it's 'cause, yeah, she's gonna take the body to Mr. Dalrymple. And Aziraphale starts going, “But-” and Elspeth goes like, “What? I should let her rot in the ground while I starve? Is that what you'd have me do, Mr. McFell? Because it is certainly not what Wee Morag would want.” And yeah, I mean, she's just putting up a front [G: Yeah.], and I'm sorry that she has to go through this. And Aziraphale's like, "Uh, yeah, I guess? Yeah, no." And Crowley goes, "It's a bit different when it's someone you know, isn't it?" Which I- this is supposed to be the next step in this fucking parable or whatever the fuck, right? Like, it's like, "Oh, it's wrong!" "Oh, it's right!" "Oh, it's complicated!" which I think- I don't know. The progression of it feels forced, feels dumb. And I don't think the “It feels different when it's someone you know” feels like the right next step to get into "It's complicated." Like, that's completely beyond the point, I think.

G: When Crowley said this, I was like, “What is trying to be said here?” Like, what?

C: Yeah, like, it's just back to “Desecration of the body feels different when it's someone you know.” Like, aren't we past that? Who cares?

G: I don't know. I feel like it's an odd line. I was trying to gleam how like, it applies to this story, and I'm like, "Well, does it really?" And I was trying to "But maybe this is like, about something else. Maybe, like, Crowley is trying to say something else about something else." And [both like, what? There's not something else.

C: There's nothing. This is just like, "I've brought to you a moral conundrum, and I think these are the pieces of the moral conundrum," and it's like, "Well, I don't think these are the pieces of the moral conundrum." [G: Yeah.] Like, if you wanted to go into that direction, I think it would be like, well, "Wee Morag explicitly thought that this was wrong and that she wouldn't get into Heaven if this happened. [G: Yeah.] Like, should we respect these particular wishes?" But like, that's not really the idea being espoused here. It's just like, a general like, "Doesn't it kind of feel icky 'cause you knew her?" Like, whatever! Like, this is just- it's uninteresting, and it's dumb! What an absolute waste of time all of this is.

-

C: So they go to Mr. Dalrymple's, and he's a giant fucking dick, and I hope he dies forever. He goes like, "Well, it's not soup, I'll give you that." And also it's like, clearly, she's like, mourning. She's like, talking about how like, it's her fault, and Morag just wanted to look after her, and like, Mr. Dalrymple’s just like, “Well, she's done that, hasn't she?” Like, there's like a kid here who, like, just lost her partner in some form of the word, and like, he's just like, “I'm here with a snide remark, and also, time to underpay you!” I'd be fine with it if we're supposed to hate him, but I feel like given the last scene, when he was also being sort of classist, and Crowley's like, "He has a point," like, we're supposed to not hate the shit out of him? I don't enjoy this. I don't like it. Makes me upset. So yeah, he underpays her by offering five pounds, even though the going rate for a fresh one is seven or eight. While he's talking, she notices a bottle of laudanum that also says "poison" on it really big. It's not poison, it's just a drug you can overdose on.

G: You know what? My first thought upon seeing this was [C: That she's gonna kill him.] that she's going to poison Aziraphale. [C: Ohh!] Gonna poison Aziraphale. [C: God, I wish.] And I was like, "You go, girl! Yesss! Yesss! [C: Fuck yeah! Do it!] Kill that guy!" [both laugh] [C: Kill that guy.] It's gonna be the gayest thing you've ever done! [both laughing] God. I don't know.

C: I wish! [G: I fucking wish.] And Crowley still should have bleated like a goat. [G laughs] Well, I guess Aziraphale should have bleated like a goat. That would be- yeah. I thought she was gonna kill Mr. Dalrymple, was my first thought when I saw it, and then go sell both bodies to another surgeon down the lane.

G: No, I was like, "She is going to kill Aziraphale out of anger." [C: Good!] And- 'cause it is his fault!

C: It literally is his fault. Crowley could have healed Wee Morag and also didn't. [laughs] I feel like I need to keep pointing that out. 'Cause like, as much as we hate Aziraphale, like, Crowley's inaction does as much harm. [G: Yeah.] Though I guess at the end, she sort of redeems herself, but like, eh.

G: I mean, to be fair, like, it was Aziraphale who did the original souping up the body. [C: That's true.] So I would say that he-

C: I just think that Crowley should have known that was what was gonna happen if he let Aziraphale tag along.

G: You know what? I remember, like, trying to look at Crowley's face in that scene. [C: Mm-hm.] And I do think it was a surprise for Crowley when it happened, right?

C: Oh. Aw. I don't know. I couldn't tell. It's a very Aziraphale-centric flashback. She eventually snags the laudanum, and he comes back with the money, and he says, incredibly judgmentally, "There you go. Blood money." like, you- you're the market, bro! [laughs] What are you-? Ugh. Okay. And he goes, "And what are you going to spend it on. Gin?" I hope he dies. I hope he dies. She says, "Wine. For a toast."

-

G: We see her back at the mausoleum, and she pours the laudanum into a little goblet. And then like, Aziraphale and Crowley come in. Aziraphale just says like, you know, "I'm sorry about your friend." And she is like, still putting on a brave face. Like, you know, "Happens. People die. And I bought some wine, so let's toast Wee Morag, and then I'm going, and you can use this money to bury me somewhere where no ghouls will ever dig me back up."

C: I really like that line 'cause, I mean, it adds some depth to her that, like- Like, she actually does have moral quandaries about what she's doing the whole time, and like, she has been talking in practical terms, but like, it like, does hurt her because of her religion or whatever. Like, I don't know. I enjoyed it. [G: Yeah.] And like, this is not really related, but I was reminded of, like, some work by Viviana Zelizer who's like, an economic sociologist, and specifically, she has, like, this work on child life insurance, which was something that was marketed to like [G: Oh, yeah.] mostly low-income [G: Low-income Victorian families.], like USAmericans, I think in the 1870s. I think she focuses on the US, but maybe it was also happening in the UK.

G: Yeah, because, like, your kids just died, and like, people painted it as like, a bad thing when, like, literally, your kids probably really will just die.

C: Yeah, no, yeah. The press response was like, really awful, because people were like- especially because, like, this was marketed mostly towards low-income people where people were like, "Oh, all these poor people are just like, birthing a bunch of babies, and then like, killing them, for like, the [G: Insurance, yeah.] insurance money," blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah. But like, this was like, it was actually obtained out of like, a very strong sense of love for like, if your kid dies an untimely death, they'll have enough money for a dignified funeral, which was like, a really big concern in a way that like, rich people didn't understand.

G: Because of their religion, yeah.

C: Yeah. Yeah. And I don't know. I thought that was- I was reminded of that. I think it's interesting, and I think it also connects to the way that Mr. Dalrymple misconstrues and judges Elspeth's personal finance choices regarding the five pounds. So, yeah, yeah. I like that line.

G: Yeah. God, I mean, she gets out of this story with ninety guineas [C: Yeah.], and a promise that she'll get a farm and be properly good. But she still has lost so much.

C: Yeah.

G: She is just like, "Well, I will join Morag. And can we just do this now, please?" And as Elspeth like, reaches out for the goblet, it's already in Crowley's hands, and Crowley drinks it, and Elspeth is like, "Well, you're going to die." But he's like, "I have a constitution of an ox."

C: Yeah. And I want Aziraphale to fucking eat me, baby!

G: Elspeth is just like, "Well, I can just kill myself in other ways," and etc etc. But Crowley- well, the starts the scene that I find [C: That I hate. That we both hate so so much.] very frustrating, yeah. 'Cause like, the entire time, Crowley is like- 'Cause laudanum is some kind of- it's like, a type of opiate, right? [C: I think, yeah, it's an opiate.] The way it reacts with Crowley's constitution is like, it makes him like, boisterously loud, like, in a drunken way. He's just like, putting on like, the voices and singing and bleating like a goat.

C: Yeah, yeah, he sings “Flower of Scotland,” which is a song that doesn't get invented until 140 years later, and is the unofficial anthem of Scotland. Yeah. Oh, that was also improv.

G: Crowley it's just like, "Don't kill your-" [both laughing] As I've said, Aziraphale literally invented “Kill yourself” during Hamlet and Crowley invented, [both] “Noo, don’t kill yourself!" [C: "Ahahaha, you’re so sexy."] today. Literally.

C: It's just such an annoying fucking scene, because it's like, just let her have a moment? [G: Yeah.] Like, anytime she gets anywhere close to expressing a feeling that would like, make her like, a character with like, more depth of personality that we could relate to, like, Crowley, just like, does a new thing, so like, she can't. [G: Yeah.] Like, what's the point of this? Is it supposed to like, make it funnier? 'Cause it doesn't.

G: The thesis of this scene is when she goes- 'cause like, Crowley goes like, “Hey, Aziraphale. Just tell her that poverty is ineffably wonderful, and that life is worth living,” [C laughs] and Elspeth goes, “Life isn't worth anything. Monsters like me just come and dig you back up and-” and like, what Aziraphale says is literally, “I'm going to stop you right there.” [C: Yeah!] And then we go back to Crowleyisms. And it's like, that is the point of the scene. It's like, Elspeth tries to express anything, and Crowley doing something and Aziraphale going, “I will stop you from expressing your emotions and feelings at this point in time.”

C: Yeah. It's awful. I hate it so much!

G: Yeah. I don't know. Crowley becomes tiny and then becomes big. Who even cares? Who give a shit? C: Yeah. You are not Mitski in "Nobody" and you will never be Mitski "Nobody." [G: Exactly.] Also, a totally pedantic thing, and also I guess I'm also asking people who are in physics about this. Okay, Crowley, when she's tiny [G: Yeah!] has a really high-pitched voice [G: Smaller voice!] but when she's giant [G: Big, it's normal voice.], it's not deeper. [G: Like, what is this?] 'Cause I thought the idea was that when you shrink, your vocal cords get shorter [G: Your vocal cords get smaller, yeah], so then, if you like, pluck them, like, it's a higher-pitched sound. So like, shouldn't Crowley have a really deep voice when she turns super big?

G: They DGAF about that. I mean, okay. The special effects do look good. I will say that. [C: Sure.] I think we've talked about it a lot. Well, in Season 1, I suppose we talked about it, how like, the practical effects are quite good, but the CGI isn't. Well, I think in Season 2, they kind of found the balance between the two of like, having good CGI and practical effects. Like, this scene, I think it looks- like, when he erupts from the mausoleum, it looks nice!

C: That was practical effects. [G: It is, yeah.] 'Cause remember, the behind the scenes, they made the tiny house and grave.

G: The tiny set, so that he can like, erupt from it. I think it's pretty cool.

C: I can't believe they had to build an entire tiny set just for that. Like, he didn't need to turn big. It wasn't that necessary to the scene.

G: You know what I hate the most about the Crowley turning big scene? [C: What?] A part of me was like, “Oh, now that he's big, the effects of the poison, or whatever, of the laudanum-” It's not even necessarily poison - like, "the effects of the laudanum wouldn't be as intense [C: Oh, interesting.] 'cause like, he's big, right?" [C: Okay.] And when the first thing he says up there is "Nice view" or something, [C: Oh, yeah, you were like, "Oh, she's sober now."] yeah, I was like, "Oh, Crowley's back, and like, is going to talk, like, you know, soberly." But it's not even the case! [C: Nope. Nope. I don't know. Is the big thing that-] Oh, he says, "Stunning view." Which, honestly, I really like that line. [both laugh] I'm so sorry. I know we hate this scene, but the "Stunning view," I did like it.

C: So the idea is like- Okay, the turning really big thing. I mean, I guess it's like, not purposeful or whatever. But I'm trying to figure out how Elspeth is trying to rationalize all this in her mind, 'cause she doesn't seem very shocked at any of the goings-on. [G: Yeah.] And I feel like part of the turning big thing is like, "There's been like, a supernatural visitation upon you, so you really really have to take this advice" is like, the effect that they're going for, but like, ugh. Whatever. Whatever. I hate this scene. The end.

G: I hate this scene, but also when Crowley said "You have sinned very bigly," [C: Yeah.] I really did like that line. [laughing] [C: Like, oh. Yeah. Yeah.] And he goes, "Don't kill yourself!"

C: Well, specifically, "Trying to kill yourself? Is- is- I mean, it's not on!"

G: He tells Aziraphale to like, look at his wallet and give the contents of it to Elspeth. And Aziraphale was like, "Well, I do have ninety guineas, but, [C groans] like, the virtues of poverty!"

C: I wish she poisoned him, and like, with double of that so he actually fucking died.

G: And I know it won't kill him, but like, I don't know. Discorporating and then being inconvenienced for a couple hundred years, may have been worth it.

C: Yeah. I mean, he'd come back even more insufferable because he'd get Heaven propagandized to hell and back there, though.

G: Ugh! It's true. [C: Yeah.] Crowley makes the excellent point of "Virtues of poverty are ass. Like, she's gonna be shot by a gravegun, or like, hanged or something if she doesn't top herself first. So just give her the fucking money." And Aziraphale does eventually. And Crowley does the whole, "Buy a farm and be good, not just pretend good, but properly good."

C: Which is nice that like, at this moment, she is also trying to do the soul-saving thing in addition to the life-saving thing. Aziraphale forces her to promise twice that she'll be good before he gives her the money, and also Crowley has to say first, "Good enough for me" before he gives her the money. I hope he dies forever and ever and also ever. [G: Yeah.] Also, she's like, smiling and laughing at the end of this, and it's like, I don't know if she'd be there yet. Like, I think maybe if it was played as like, giddy, but like, I don't know. It's been a tough night.

G: Tough night, and this thing doesn't [C: It doesn't fix it!]- One, it doesn't fix it. Two, whatever is happening now is like, so wild. There is a gigantic man in front that just erupted from the mausoleum. Like, hello.

C: Yeah. But like, I don't know. The writers don't give a shit about her. Ugh. Sorry, Elspeth.

G: The next scene is Aziraphale and Crowley heading out from the mausoleum, and Crowley is still a bit, I suppose drunk is the right word, right? [C: Sure, yeah.] Still a little bit drunk and is kind of like, staggering by the graveyard. Aziraphale is trying to make him stay on track, but, like, you know, jumping around and at some point, like, turns completely around and just start going, "Where are you? Where are you?" [laugh] He is wearing those very dark glasses, so like, yeah. [C: That's true. That's true.] I don't think he can see anything right now. You pointed out that the rest of the scene, like, Aziraphale is just holding Crowley by the waist. [C: Mm-hm!] Which is nice. It's nice. [C: Yeah.] He's saying like, "Oh, it's very kind of you. You saved that woman." And Crowley's putting on the "Don't ever imply that I can ever be good, ever" thing. And it's like, "I'm not responsible for my actions. I wasn't being kind on purpose," and Aziraphale asks, like, "Oh, will you get in trouble from Hell?" And Crowley goes, "Well, I mean, if Hell even noticed that little display, I'd already be-" and then the ground opens up and like, swallows Crowley. Oh, Crowley. This does make me sad.

C: Yeah. I guess. What I assumed is that she probably expended a lot of miracle energy to turn big, so that would have been what alerts Hell to like, what's going on here, and then they would have witnessed the rest of it? 'Cause I was confused about how Hell would just be able to tell if Crowley does something nice, but I think that is the logic I'm going with. Well, where they kiss before the hole opens up but also doesn't- it doesn't like, deal with any of the Elspeth stuff, but like, it is very nice, read, "i would not ask (and neither should you)" by mercuryhatter on AO3.

G: I really like the transition shot here, actually, where Aziraphale is looking around, a bit confused 'cause, you know, Crowley just got swallowed up by the earth. And then, like, as he turns, it transitions to the graveyard, like, in modern day daytime. And, like, the Gabriel statue is still there. I thought that was cool.

C: What I was gonna say is that Aziraphale's diary entry closes with the line,"And that was the last I was to see of Crowley for quite some time." [G: Yeah.] Does that imply that he's seen her again since, though?

G: Until, like, 1860 whatever, you mean?

C: No, I'm saying, "And that was the last I was to see of Crowley." I feel like the wording of that implies that "But eventually, I did see her again." [G: I mean, obviously!] Okay, but my question here is that this is a diary entry-

G: Oh, since the month! Ah! 'Cause it was a last month occurrence.

C: Yeah, it's only been a month, so like, was Crowley just down there for a few weeks, then? [G: Maybe.] That's still quite bad.

G: But I feel like Aziraphale wouldn't say "quite a while" for 3 weeks, I don't think.

C: Right, which is, I think that this is just like, a writing error that they didn't pick up on [G: An erreur.], but also, I mean, the point is like, Aziraphale's aware that Crowley is being tortured the entire time, so I think that 3 weeks does feel pretty long, like, if you're like, sitting in your bookshop, worrying.

G: God, isn't it so miserable that they can't even do anything about that? [C: Yeah.] Like, both of them for each other. If Crowley gets sent downstairs for correctional, disciplinary, blah blah, like Aziraphale can't do anything. And Crowley can't too if Aziraphale's upstairs. [C: Yeah.] Horrible!

C: Well, I just have to remember that Aziraphale's wearing clown shoes, and then I don't have to care. [laughs] So yeah. We cut to the present day in the graveyard, and there's like, one of them has like, a forehead tattoo that says "no regrets," but misspelled as "no regerts" or something. I guess we're supposed to think that Aziraphale is at risk of violence from them. Aziraphale calls them over and asks to use their phones, and one of the guys, the guy with the forehead tattoo is like, you know, like, "Ah, I don't want to. And I'm gonna be like, a bit physically threatening or whatever right now." And Aziraphale just goes, "Telephone, please. I don't have all day. And I did ask nicely." Good for him. At least we get to see some of the like, him defending his bookshop from the Soho mafia, or whatever [laughs] sort of vibe here. And the second guy behind the first guy just offers the phone and says, "I'm out of minutes. Mostly, I just use it for Twitter-" and then he pauses and says in a voice that's like, I don't- it's like he's realizing something. Like, it's an odd choice. - where he adds, "And Grindr." And like, I don't- it just feel like Neil Gaiman being like a "Haha, don't you guys- Isn't that fun? Isn't it fun that I'm doing this, you guys? I'm gonna put emphasis on this. Did you know that this guy uses Grindr? Oh my god, this super tough-looking guy is like, gay, and aren't I so progressive for doing this?" Like, okay.

G: I mean, I think the way I read it was like, "Oh, I'm trying to communicate to this obviously gay man that I'm also gay. [C: Aww. Okay.] So I'm saying this."

C: Sure, that's nice. [both laughing] [G: Yeah.] Are you also thinking about the ask where it's like, "Grey usually has an interpretation of the scene that's less bad than [G: Oh yeah!] Crystal's opinion?" [laughs] Yeah.

G: I literally always fucking do.

C: Yeah, okay, he's trying to get off with Aziraphale or just try to express solidarity. Good for him. The phone's kind of glitchy and cracked. The phone background is the Union Jack. And yeah, Aziraphale goes, “Now, I'm afraid I do need a little privacy.” Which, yeah.

G: [laughing] Why are you afraid? [C laughing] Well. Why are you afraid, Aziraphale?

C: So, picks up the phone, doesn't really know what to do with it, and then goes, “Um, hello! I'd like you to call the telephone in my bookshop, please, phone. It's on my desk.” God. God. God. He’s being so “Love’s Such an Old-Fashioned Word” by Lavellington right now. But yeah, it works. The phone rings, and Crowley, who's been holding another stack of books just fucking throws them off to the side. Some bounce off the couch. God bless! And she picks up and goes, “Fell's bookshop. We probably don't have what you're looking for, and we wouldn't sell it to you if we did.” What if love is real? Aziraphale says that he's found some clues. [G: And he literally did not.] Yeah, he's looking at the statue of Gabriel in the graveyard right now. And Crowley is like, barely paying attention, just goes, "Mm, good job." And Aziraphale's like, "Oh, do you really think so?" [G laughing] God. This fucking praise kink motherfucker. And like, Crowley literally just like, makes a bit of like, an annoyed face at that. Like, an "eugh" twitch of their face. Like, Crowley, grow up. Allow Aziraphale this moment. Yeah, he mentions the pub being named after Mr. Dalrymple, and when he brings up that guy, Crowley seems happy to hear about him. Which again, very odd. Like, I thought we all decided that we don't like this guy, right? Do we like this guy? Aziraphale delivers the information that he left Edinburgh in disgrace and then killed himself, and then they named a pub after him. Yeah, Crowley does seem to remember this guy fondly. Cannot for the life of me imagine why. And then goes, "Huh. Humans. You don't let yourself get too attached."

G: I mean to be fair, like, the only time we've seen Crowley interact with Mr. Dalrymple, is like, talking about how, "Oh, doing this is saving people." so perhaps-

C: That's true. She wasn't in the room when he interacted with Elspeth, so. [G: Yes. So.] I mean, he was still a shithead in their previous interaction, but Crowley seemed to agree with him, so I guess so. And this is an interesting sentence about, you know- I mean, we've talked about how we think that they should try to like, be friends with more humans so that their love for the earth and wanting to save it actually comes across better. So I guess we get some insight into that. Do you think Aziraphale- Aziraphale agrees with this sentence. But, like, he does have connections on his street, but I guess those are pretty- They aren't very deep, I suppose, right?

G: I think Aziraphale is more of a acquaintance kinda guy.

C: Yeah. They really do only have each other. They need to get some other fucking friends. [G: Yeah, god.] This isn't healthy.

G: There's a book fic that I quite like where Crowley had a girlfriend in 1790 in Paris. [C: Yes, it is on your rec list.] The fic is called "your apple-eating heathen" by katarzi. [C: Yup.] And, I don't know. I think the way in the fan interpretations of Good Omens, like, the way the human connections are played are very interesting to me always. [C: Yeah.] 'Cause what we see in, I mean, that's a book fic, specifically. But like, what we see in the show is like, Crowley has no one. Crowley doesn't talk to human beings. But when Crowley does talk to them, he's very- he's often very polite. He talks to kids like people, but like, in a good way, you know what I mean. Like, he talks to children. [C: Yeah.] He knows how to do that. When Aziraphale is talking to people, it's very obvious that, like, for example, here, in the "inkslinger!" scene, [C laughs], you know, it's kind of like the way Muriel does it, right? [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Of like, overexcited, almost, and etc etc. And then, when talking to Nina and Maggie, like, obviously, he knows these people's names, but like, he was shocked when Maggie started talking about personal things, because like, that's not the kind of relationship he has with these people. I don't know. And like, frequently, Crowley, you know, talks about how you shouldn't get attached to human beings, or like, "You won't ever really figure them out" or something or whatever. [C: Yeah.] And I do think there is a way to read Crowley as like, there was a time when that wasn't the case, but like, it kind of bit her in the ass, so like, well. Fun stuff. [C: Yeah.] But like, a lot of these interpretations really are just, they're not like, explicitly said in the text or whatever. You know what I mean? [C: Yeah.] Yeah. It's fun to think about, though.

C: It is. And if you wanna think about it more, I'm gonna plug once more “A Glittering Instrument” by malicegeres [G: Yeah!], which is also a book fic. Yeah. Why are you saying "yeah"? You haven't even read it.

G: But I know that you love it! [C: Thank you for- okay. ] And I support your love for "A Glittering Instrument."

C: Thank you. Sorry for immediately snapping.

G: I think book fics And specifically, once that are like- 'cause there are fics that are like, they're book fics, but like, they're written after the TV show, you know what I mean. Like, they take from the canon of the book, but they're written with the knowledge of what the characters are like in the TV show. I feel like book fics from like, 2015, like, that era, it's like they are so- they have such a vibe that I really quite like. I think it's quite nice.

C: There's also book fic from like 2003 and shit on AO3 that I've seen. It's fun.

G: Very nice, [laughs] as Aziraphale would say.

C: Oh god. So Aziraphale asks, "You haven't actually been selling any of the books, have you?" And Crowley goes, "Not a one." And [giggling] what if like, love is real or something? Agh.

G: How is this even representative of how love is real? You really will just say anything about anything. [C: It's just- I-] But also, love is real.

C: I like how reassuring Crowley is being, and I don't- I don't know. It's just- It's nice! It's nice. It's nice that she like, fake-threatened to sell a book, but, like, "Obviously, I wouldn't," is like, you know, the vibe. Like, "Of course I wouldn't. Like, I know you." And it's like, a reassur- I don't know. It- [pained sounds] The end. Aziraphale does the completely unimportant information relay of like, "Yeah, Gabriel was there with someone, but he wasn't alone, but I have no clue what that person looks like or anything about the person because I'm a bad investigator."

G: What's so funny is like, when I first watched this, and- 'cause Aziraphale does the thing where it's like, "Gabriel has indeed visited the establishment in question! In company with..." And I solemnly was like, "Oh, like, we saw some investigation happen off-screen." [C: No. Nope.] But we literally didn't. [laughs] [C: We did not.] He doesn't know who the company is. God, Aziraphale’s so bad at this.

C: Yeah. And I mean, I was pretty annoyed at this scene, like, taking up time or whatever 'cause I was like, "We already saw all this. It doesn't matter." But then I did remember how in Season 1, Aziraphale so staunchly kept information from Crowley. And it's nice that he's calling to tell her all this useless shit. [both laughing] [G: Yeah.] Borrowed an entire mobile phone because, like, he couldn't wait to like, drive back before relaying this information. Isn't that nice? [G: Quite nice!] But yeah, Crowley, they go like, "Oh, listen. I think it's about to happen," 'cause she's been looking across the street, and Nina and Maggie are finally in the same place. And then says that, you know, he has to hang up. [both] “It's the awning of a new age.” Wow! You're so charming and cute, Crowley. Hii! And then Aziraphale returns the phone to the guy. It's no longer cracked, no longer glitching, and the flag has turned into the Scottish flag as the phone background. And, you know, he heads off and says, "Blessings be upon you, and your phone, and Twitter and Grindr, whatever they happen to be."

-

C: Wait, I forgot. Am I in charge of this? No.

G: I'm supposed to be in charge of- if you-

C: Haha, fun! Okay! [G laughing] We've gotten to the scene that's been looming over our heads for this entire episode.

G: We are now about to go into the sequestered area of this episode.

C: Yeah. Yeah. There are fumes about. It's horrible.

G: Maggie has approached Nina. Crowley sees this and is like, "Okay, I'm going to-"

C: "- do the rain." And I think that- I forgot to mention- I'm usually on sunglasses watch. I'm sorry that I overlooked this. Crowley doesn't have her sunglasses on when she's inside the bookshop like, now, which means that like, he's gotten comfortable-ish enough with Gabriel [G: Yeah.] or like, just doesn't give a shit enough to do that. 'Cause, well, he keeps them on when Muriel's here because it would reveal that they're a demon, but yeah, I think they're chiller about Gabriel's presence now. And we see her lovely, beautiful serpent doe eyes when she is looking out at the two of them and causing the rain to happen. So at least we got that.

G: Yeah. Yeah. And as the sky darkens or whatnot, Maggie tells Nina, like, "Can we talk?" [C laughs] And Nina goes, "We don't have anything to talk about." [C: Because they don't!] Genuinely! [C: Because they do not!] What is there even to- What is there to talk about? And Maggie goes, “I think we do,” and it's like [C: What??], no! There's-! Well, anyway, they start walking or whatever, and like, you know what? I am a bit upset that I hate this scene so much because I didn't think Maggie looks so nice.

C: Oh, yeah, her outfit is amazing.

G: I think the hairstyle is different this episode, right?

C: Oh, is it? I couldn't tell. I just love her cardigan. It's like, orangey-brown [G: A terracotta.] and then there's like, a dancing woman, like, holding like, a music note with a feather in her hat and stuff embroidered on both sides.

G: I think the hair also looks very nice this episode, which is why this scene is even more frustrating! [C laughs] Well Maggie goes, "You're upset, and you're acting as if it's my fault. [C: Like, what?] I don't really know what's going on in your life [C: What?], but I know that whatever happened the other night, I didn't lock us in." And first of all-

C: Are we missing a fucking interaction? Like, the last time we- okay, like, we didn't even see them talk last episode, right? First episode, they get locked in, they're having a perfectly fine, I guess, conversation about the record shop ownership, and then Crowley lets them out, and then Nina gets a bunch of texts, and then we cut. Is there something- what is-? And then, like, the next episode, like, Maggie's like, "Oh, she hates me," and we don't really know why, but we just assume it's 'cause Nina wasn't that receptive to conversation. Like, what happened [G: What happened?] after the unlocking and like-

G: Like, did she go for coffee the next morning? And Nina was like, "Oh, you're a skinny latte." instead of saying, "Oh, you're Maggie." [both laughing] And she was like, [fake crying] "She hates me so much, you guys! She's soo mean!" [C: "She hates me!"] What even is this?

C: Yeah, I just- they're playing this so dramatically. They're playing this like they're in like, a fucking Austen movie, and that they've like, been like, deeply in love for like, months, and there's just this giant, grave, misunderstanding. Like [G: You found out her name three days ago!] Yeah. And like, I don't even know what she did to make you think she's upset with you. Like, there's nothing here. What's going on?

G: She says, "I don't know why you're angry with me," and Nina says, "I'm not angry at you. It's just- It's not about you." And yeah! It's not about you!! It literally isn't-! I need to calm down. [C sighs] Well, Nina says, like, "Lindsay decided I must have been having an affair because I wasn't texting back, and I just couldn't deal." And [C: God.] Maggie goes, "That's not fair. I mean, I'd never. [C: What?] And we didn't. [C screams] It was the power going out! Like, I mean, we're not having a- what your partner said!" And it's like, what is this?

C: What is-? They just keep acting like there's something there, and there isn't. Like, they didn't- this is what you would act like if there was a moment where it felt like you were going to have an affair. [G: Yeah!] And like, maybe that was like, the vibe in the "Well, here we are." "Here we are." thing, but then we cut to later, and, like, none of that tension stayed at all during bookshop, so like, that doesn't seem right. Like, what is even going on? Like, Maggie's looking at her all like, misty-eyed, and like, forcing her into this conversation she doesn't want to be a part of, but we're supposed to think that she does actually want to be a part of this and that there's something here. And it's like, there's nothing. It's nothing!

G: I mean, it's so horrible. Like, she couldn't even say "affair"? [C laughs] Like, what are you? Me when I'm trying to describe Aziraphale's feelings for Crowley? [C laughing] Like, you're never going to be me describing Aziraphale's feelings for Crowley. Fucking get it together! It starts fucking raining, like, for fucking real. Nina goes, like, "Okay. Well, I owe you an apology."

C: Like, about what? For being mean to the record store, maybe.

G: What even? And Maggie goes like, "Oh, it's just no, you don't. But it's just, I'd never. [C: Why?] I'm not that kind of person." saying basically, like, "I'm never going to cheat with you." [C: Have an affair.] And Nina goes, "I know. I'm not your type." Which is-

C: What an odd thing to say next! [G laughing] What a weird place to take this! How would this be the next, like, logical sentence?

G: It's just so shocking to me! [C laughing] Because like- what is this? First of all, Nina knows for a fact that this is not the case [C: Yeah!], because, like, Maggie so obviously was trying to ask her out the other day.

C: Yeah, like, did she not pick up on that? [G: So what is this?] Like, I feel like it's very clear that the "I have a partner thing" was in response to that. If someone's like, "Oh, I wouldn't have an affair with you. I'm not an affair person," like, what kind of fucking weirdo goes, "I know. You're not attracted to me." Like, what? [both laughing] [G: I don't know.] What's happening?? And we're supposed to take- We're supposed to be emotionally affected by the "You have no idea," is the thing. Like, it's played like, it's like, a big thing, and she's so emotional about it [G: Mm-hm.], and like, on the verge of tears and like, "Oh, god! Like, this is the greatest love story of all time, and this is just a huge misunderstanding." It's not! This is a nothing story of nothing time and this is a nothing nothing! [both laugh]

G: And the way Nina looks back, it's like, we're supposed to assume that this is like a "There's something here." But you know what? [C laughs] There's absolutely nothing here. So, I don't know! [C: Yeah. Yeah. Stupid as shit.] It's so horrible. Horrible scene!

C: Horrible scene. And thank god, thank god, it ends.

G: Thank god. Wonderful thing that happens, [C laughs]  which is that because it's been raining so hard, the awning that they're under is like, fabric or tarpaulin material, and it's being weighed down by the rain, so it rips apart, and they [C: Got fucking drenched.] got all of that water.

C: Thank god. Ruining both of their nice hair.

G: God, and Crowley's just looking from the bookshop being like, "Oh my god, it's working!" [C: Yeah.] Well, Nina, like, goes back in, right? To the coffee shop. And Crowley is like, "Oh, no! Well. Whatevs." Gabriel asks, like, "Oh, did they vavoom?" And Crowley says, "I think it's fair to say, Jim, that vavooming was not the end result of that particular tempest." [C: Aw.] And this triggers something in Jim who goes back to like, the that voice and also those eyes and goes, "There will come a tempest, and darkness, and great storms, and the dead will leave their graves and walk the earth once more, and there will be great lamentations." And Crowley goes like, "Go on." And the next line is, "Every day, it's getting closer."

C: Real. Yeah, today I saw that Neil Gaiman said at a conference that there was supposed to be an extra scene at the end of Episode 2 that was like, a nightmare about like, the future, and it was like, some kind of fucked up apocalypse scenario or whatever the fuck. So I guess that was sort of supposed to foreshadow this, and this is also supposed to foreshadow something.

-

C: We get a knock on the window. It is Shax. Crowley is worried, rushes out, puts on her sunglasses, and also takes a set of keys, which is the bookshop keys, right? Like, after he goes out, he like, locks up the bookshop. That's nice. Shax has disappeared, and we sort of get this sequence where she's talking to him through the bodies of a bunch of random people passing by.

G: How does that work? Is that profession?

C: Oh, yeah, I guess she is temporarily possessing all these people, yeah.

G: Yeah. But what happens to her corporation when she does that?

C: No clue. She parked it in the bank vault where Muriel is.

G: [laughs] For fucking real. I mean, because, like, Hastur, right, does a change of look for a while last episode- I mean last season at the last episode. But that one is very much like, the corporation changed. [C: Right.] So like, this one I was like, "Is she changing corporations just constantly." Maybe. I mean, it doesn't even matter. I'm just interested in it because like, [C: Yeah, the rules of it.] how does demonology work? Yeah.

C: Yeah. She says that like, "Oh, you've got Gabriel hiding in the bookshop, don't you? Beelzebub is not happy with you." Crowley goes, "Oh, really? Beelzebub? Not happy? [both] But they're always such a little ray of sunshine!" And yeah, this is where we get they/them Beelzebub. Shax says that Beelzebub that the angel is hiding him in there.: Crowley is like, "Well, no, they don't, because they can't, because he isn't!" And then eventually, Shax just turns back to her regular corporation, standing with her back against the bookshop entrance, and she goes - I don't know how to do it in her voice, but I love her voice so much. "I'm-not-stupid, Crowleyy.-Come-on-let-me-in." is sort of the ways that she is stringing the words together. But better. So Crowley is like, "Uh-uh. Not happening." And then goes inside of the bookshop. You're right, because Shax sniffs the air and then says, "He's in there." [G: Yeah.] So it does seem like it's like, there's a higher level of divinity than usual in the bookshop, and they can smell that. Yeah, again, I guess Muriel's nose hasn't calibrated properly. They have an exchange where it's made clear that Shax can't actually enter the bookshop. Like, it's protected in some way.

G: I find the line interesting here where Crowley goes, "I can't invite you in." And, like, you can interpret that as just like, "I'm not going to." But like, is it a requirement that Aziraphale be the one to invite demons in? 'Cause. I was thinking about this. Like, if a human customer to a demon was like, "Oh, yeah, come in!" like, is the demon now allowed to go inside? Like, does it have to be Aziraphale specifically.

C: I mean, I have an answer to that, but I guess it's a spoiler. I guess I would interpret this as just Crowley being like, "Uh-uh. Nah, the power's out of my hands! I can't do it." But like, I think she probably could. 'Cause later, he also says, "This is not technically something I can do." so like, they are really leaning on the "Only Aziraphale can invite people in" sort of thing, but I think it could very well just be an excuse. And yeah, she does see Jim through the door, but, you know, miracle, it worked, so whatebs. And she gives up for a second, and she's like, "Hey, so like, if there's no hot water, and there's two yellow lights on the boiler, what is that?" And Crowley explains. It is a nice moment where it's like, "Yeah, this is work. But like, we are also acquaintances. We can have a regular conversation." But, you know, Shax is quite gung-ho about storming the bookshop and all that shit, and she says that “If you won't let me in, Beelzebub and the Dark Council and all the forces of Hell will declare war.” And Crowley goes, “On me?” And she goes, “On your friend.” Crowley lies and says that Aziraphale’s in the basement and then shuts the door and then stalks over to Gabriel and goes, “You have no idea the trouble you're causing, do you? I'll tell you something, Jim- or Gabriel, if you're in there somewhere. - If any harm comes to Aziraphale because of this, I will-” and then stops and goes, “It doesn't matter. It's too late for that now, isn't it? It's always too late.” [both make sympathetic sounds]

G: I like this because, like, I feel like between the two of them, Crowley is the one to be like, "If anything happens to Aziraphale, I will-" but I don't think Aziraphale would say that about Crowley. Don't you think?

C: Hmm. Yeah, we haven't really seen him in that kind of a role. [G: Yeah.] I mean, well, we see him in Hell, and that does seem like his way of doing it, right? Like, "I am gonna be all suave and threatening [G: Oh yeah.] and go like, 'I think it would be better if I was left alone in the future. Don't you?'" So like, I think this is something that they would do- that either of them would do for the other. [G: For each other.] Yeah. Well, one last thing is I guess the "Jim - or Gabriel, if you're in here" is that it seems Crowley, at this point, is separating the two of them and isn't trying to blame Jim for things that Gabriel has done. [G: Yeah.] And he was like, nice to him until this happened. So, I don't know. It's an interesting place for their relationship to be right now. Awight. [G: Awight, even.] So, how'd you feel about this episode?

G: I quite liked it. [C: It was fine.] Who would have thunk, even?

C: I feel like this is the exact quote- like, you said this exact thing last episode.

G: What? What did I say?

C: "I quite liked it. Who would have thought? Who would have thunk, even." I think, is what you said. [G laughing]

G: Well, who would've thunk, even, is the thing.

C: I mean, I was clearly, very, very annoyed by many things. but I mean, I was overall entertained, and they were very cute in a lot of it. But also I was very, very, very annoyed by many things. Best Line/Worst Line.

G: My worst line is, "I mean, we're not having a [C laughs]- what your partner said!" I think it's so stupid. It's so stupid. It's so stupid.

C: Yeah. And my worst line is from the same conversation. It's the part where Nina says that she's not Maggie type. What a weird fucking place to take it! What a thing that makes zero sense just so Maggie can say, "You have no idea!" and look at her starry- and teary-eyed. Okay, fuck off.

G: My best line is Morag calling Elspeth a wee angel.

C:  I think my best line is the one I pointed out, where Elspeth says, "And you can use this money to bury me somewhere where no ghouls will ever dig me back up again." [G: Yeah.] The only full sentence she was ever able to say about her feelings. Gayest?

G: Gayest moment? Man. I mean, that guy sure does use Grindr. Pretty gay.

C: That's true. [laughs] Pretty gay of him to use Grindr, I agree. I mean, I really like Crowley sitting on the chair, so that one.

G: That's true! Yeah.

C: Transest moment.

G: Can I just put Beelzebub here? [C: Yeah.] [laughs] In Episode 1, I did not appreciate the transgender swagger, [C: Uh-huh] but now I do. [C: Good.]

C: I enjoyed Muriel's joy at being on earth and being taken for a human, and I feel like that does [G: Yeah.]- I feel like it was- part of it felt like joy at inhabiting a body, and they do use they/them pronouns, so that's pretty trans. I also liked Crowley's "eh" on "You're both medical men," 'cause I do choose to interpret it the way I chose to interpret it.

G: What is our next one? Oh, predictions! [C: Yeah.] I predict the next episode is going to involve Nazi zombies. Why not?

C: [laughing] Oh, you have to come up with real predictions! I mean, you don't have to. You can do whatever you want. But- [G laughing] It'd be great-

G: [laughing] Are you getting tired of me just going, "There's probably a clue next episode!" [both laughing] I mean, there was a clue. Who would have thunk, even?

C: Yeah, you're right, there was a clue. [both laughing] Yeah. You can say whatever you want forever. Whatevs.

G: What's the title of the episode? Like, not just the minisode next episode?

C: The title is "The Hitchhiker."

G: "The Hitchhiker." Okay, well, I cannot glean anything from that. Also, did you know that every single time I said glean ever in my life I thought it was gleam, G-L-E-A-M? [C: Yeah, you said gleam today as well.] Apparently not. Apparently it's not a word.

C: Yeah, I mean, it does look very similar, and I think it's fun.

G: And I think gleam is like, shine. Like, gleaming. Shining. Right? [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Well, what if I shone a light into the knowledge [C: What if?] that I have acquired, and that's how I gleamed it? Yeah. You never know. [C: You never know.] Well, my predictions for next episode or for, like, the show. Well. [laughing] They're gonna divorce. [C: Wow! I wonder how you-] I don't know. I don't know how to predict anything. Why is it that in Season 1, I was like, "Oh my god! And my prediction-" I think it's because I know quite a bit more about Season 2.

C: Yeah. Also, like, your predictions in Season 1 came true, but in like, the least satisfying way ever, so I get if you're like, a little burned out on that.

G: Maybe not predictions and more wishlist. I want to see more Beelzebub next episode. And I know for a fact that it's in 2.06 that their relationship is gonna be revealed, but can we get some Beelzebub in here? Oh! I mean, another thing I said was like, what is the point of getting Aziraphale out of the bookshop? And I was like, "Is it because they need to entrap him somewhere?" Like, they need to get to him and like, he needs to be outside for that? 'Cause they could have ended this episode with Aziraphale coming back and being like, "Oh and Crowley, this is what happened. This is what I found out." But like, no, it had to be like- like, this information needed to be relayed to Crowley no matter how useless it is right now, because, like, perhaps there's not gonna be occasion to relay the information next episode. Who knows? [C: Who knows?] Well, I mean, I am wondering whether Gabriel and Beelzebub has been going on for a while, or it's more of a recent endeavor.

C: What do you mean by a while?

G: Before the Apocalypse. [C: Oh, interesting!] What do I want to happen more? Do I want it to be "It's been so long, it's been so long, maybe we're fireproof," [C laughs] or do I want it to be love at first sight. [overlapping] They already saw each other. Yeah, they already saw each other a lot, probably. Okay, I'm going to bet that the Gabriel and Beelzebub situation is a "We have discovered our connection like, six months ago, and we have run away together to this pub or whatever." But have they been falling in love for fiveever is the question. And I cannot figure out if I want it to be the one or the other.

C: You'll find out, I guess.

G: I will, I suppose.

C: Personal ratings out of 10, whole numbers.

G: 8.

C: Wow. Okay. Um, 6.

G: Brutal! Are you disappointed that I've been liking Season 2 so much?

C: I think that this podcast would get depressing if both of us hated it so much.

G: And what are we but purveyors of podcasts to the gentry? [both laugh]

C: Yeah. Is 6 too harsh? Just know that it's more of a 6.5 than a 6 itself, but it rounds down to me. I guess that’s it for this week’s episode of Rubbish and Probably a Podcast. Next time, we will be talking about Season 2, Episode 4: “The Hitchhiker, featuring the minisode Nazi Zombie Flesheaters.” Ugh. Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts.

G: So, follow us on social media! We interact through the accounts set up for our Supernatural commentary podcast, Busty Asian Beauties. So we are on Tumblr at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com and you can email us at bustyasianbeautiespod@gmail.com.

C: Thanks to everyone who’s donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod! See you guys next time! [both] Bye!

[Garageband "Everyday" plays]

-

C: Hello! My name is Crystal. Should I do that again?

G: And my name is Grey. Wait, I wanna pull up the podcast guide. [C: Details.] You know, I never know- I never know how to do our intro. [C: Me neither!] And like, the thing is like, every time we do our intro, like, I can feel the both of us scrambling to go to the podcast details [both laughing] because I feel like we arrive in the doc at the same time. Like, I see your cursor in the doc at the same time as I arrive.

-

[beep]

C: What else is on our Season 3 wishlist? I would like them to kiss again. But honestly, I'm not even holding out hope for that. Neil Gaiman will never give me anything I want, so, so be it.

G: I mean, the alternative to them- maybe not even kissing. Like, maybe getting together for sure.

C: They need to hug.

G: Oh, god, they've never even hugged ever. [C screams]

C: Yeah, yeah. Even Destiel got to hug. [G: Yeah.] Not until Season fucking 8, though, so

G: I mean, I just think if not, like, they need to acknowledge that, right? ‘Cause what I'm afraid of is that Neil Gaiman will just completely ignore it.

C: The breakup? Yes.

G: Yeah, no, because- No, the kiss. Because the thing is like, I mean, I don't know how the entire breakup works. Maybe like, it will be completely- it will be impossible to ignore for Season 3. I don't know. I don't know how it goes. But I am a bit worried because, like, the way Neil Gaiman says it, right? It's like, Season 1 is like, the original story, and then Season 3 is the continuation of that story, and then, this is the bridge. [C: Right.] So like, if they- if him and Terry Pratchett established the Season 3 plot-

C: Well, he loves to lie [both laugh] about what him and Terry Pratchett-

G: That guy's literally lying. [both laughing]

C: Yeah, he loves going on Tumblr and implying that in 2006, the same year that he wrote a blog post where he said that people saying stuff about Aziraphale and Crowley were engaging in quote, “a desperate attempt to make slash canon (which it isn't),” the same year of that, he's claiming that he and Terry Pratchett planned for them to get together. Like, okay. You're hilarious. Good for you. [G laughs]

G: No, but like, if we are to believe this to be the truth, then like- Do you understand what I’m saying? Like, maybe Season 3 would just be like-

C: Not very- Yeah. It won't really address their relationship or like, deal with- yeah, 'cause it's like, I feel like you wouldn't- I mean, you could write a sequel that opens with like, “Aziraphale’s in Heaven after they broke up horribly and also Crowley kissed him,” but like, that's kind of an odd place to start your sequel book, like, [G: Yeah.] after the first book, where, like, the romantic undertones were a lot less pronounced than in Season 1 of your show. So yeah, it does seem like it might be working off of a place that is not the place that Season 2 of the show ends, so yeah. I just want them to hug.

G: But you never know. You never know. Like, Crystal is very pessimistic about Neil Gaiman in general as a person, but you know what? I'm holding out hope. I'm holding out hope.

C: You said we couldn't hate on the Maggie and Nina scene [G laughs] outside of the Maggie and Nina scene, so [laughing] I won't say anything about my beliefs in Neil Gaiman’s writing quality.

G: I just want everyone to know, like, anyone who has ever sent us an ask that may border on being hateful, that I had to goad Crystal to be like, “You need to be nice. Nothing below the-"

C: Not hateful as in hateful to us. Hateful as in mean to Neil Gaiman. [G: No no no, yeah. Mean to Neil Gaiman. I had to be like, "Crystal-"] I’ve been banned from talking about his Patreon separation plus real blog divorce [both laugh], so yeah.

G: Yeah. Well, we need to be nice, you guys! We need to be nice. [C: Do we?] Yes. Just in general as people.

C: He's never gonna listen to this. He’s never gonna listen to this.

G: It's not about that.

C: Well then, what? What is it about?

G: I mean, he definitely- [laughs] I don't know. He's never gonna-

C: Who does it hurt? [laughing] Other people who’ve been through divorces on Patreon? That's a very small subset of people. [both laughing] But yeah. What?

G: No. The thing is, he’s never gonna listen to this podcast, right? So we can say whatever the fuck we want in this one. Like, maybe he'll scroll through the transcript, but he's not gonna find this. Who give a shit? But he can find the asks. Like, those are very easy to read, those are very easy to access. [C: Sure.] So like, you cannot badmouth him in the ask. I feel like that's a bit too rude. That's a bit too inviting him to actually see it. And I don't want him to actually see it, though, is the thing. [C: Fair.] I want him to live his life, [laughing] pretending that he's a good writer. [C laughing]

C: Yeah, yeah. He could really fall apart if that illusion was shattered for him. [G: Yeah.] God, sorry, [laughing] I just remembered an ask where someone sent him an ask that was like, “Oh my god, why? Like, Season 2 was so horrible.” And he responded, “You know, every time I read an ask like this, I have to remind myself that, like, what you really mean isn't that the writing was bad, or you didn't like the acting or the editing or the CGI. [G: What if I mean that, though?] But that it made you feel a lot of emotions, and that's what you mean by that." And it's like, no, no, [laughs] that's not what I mean by that, Neil Gaiman.

G: Well, the only thing I felt, the quantity and quality of emotion I felt in the Nina/Maggie scene is confusion [C laughing], anger at the fact that this is taking up time in my life, [C laughing] outright vitriol over the fact that- What is this? So, yeah. Very varied emotions.

C: Yeah. We failed so badly our task to not let this bleed out into other portions of the episode. But anyway. Anyway. [G: Anyway.] It was so bad, you guys!

-

[beep]

G: You know, what's so funny is you sent me like, the behind the scenes in this episode right? [C: Yeah.] And there was a portion where, like, David Tennant was telling Michael Sheen about like, "Oh my god, last-"

C: - was wearing the ugliest sweater known to man.

G: Yeah! Oh my god! [C laughing] Who put him- Who told that jurnalist? But also, who put him in that fucking sweater!

C: Yeah, who was like, "Yeah, go on camera wearing that with your ugly plum-ass hair just clashing horribly with it."

G: [laughing] It's so horrible! [C: It's disgusting!] Well, anyway. It's too-

C: If this is just something that David Tennant owns and wears, and it wasn't picked out by a stylist, I'm so sorry, David Tennant. Live your life. Like, you're allowed to wear what you want without caring about the public eye. But if it was chosen by anyone who's a professional, I hope you lost your job. [G laughs]

G: No, the thing is like, if his hair was black, like, this would be a completely reasonable sweater to wear, I feel. Because like-

C: Wait, you would describe his hair as black? His regular hair? David Tennant's regular, definitely brown hair? [G laughs]

G: Listen. [laughs] I mean, [C: Yeah.] is it? Is it brown? Okay, I'm going to look up David Tennant right now, and let us figure out the color of his hair.

C: It's not black.

G: It is, though!

C: What? What are you saying?

G: Yeah, it is brown. [C: Okay.] It is brown. It's so brown it's unreal. [both laughing]

C: It’s incredibly brown. Yeah.

G: Sometimes, I forget that white people, when they have dark hair, it's not just jet black like me. [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Also you know how like, when white people are like, “I have brown eyes.” and you look at their eyes, and it's like, "Okay!" I mean, it is brown, but like, it's so light! Yeah.

C: Yeah. My sister has like, eyes that are like [G: Light eyes.], nearing white people levels of light brown, I think. I don't know where she gets it from.

G: Oh. My grandmother, completely Filipino, ethnically, and also, I don't know, nationally. [C laughs] Her eyes, as she got older, her eyes became like, a little bit green. [C: Huh. Cool.] It's wonderful, really. Yeah. I don't know why.

C: You shouldn't have let me Google Image search David Tennant. I'm just gonna be here for a while. Anyway! So- [laughs] Where were we?

G: Yeah, I am also here.

C: What were we talking about?

G: His ugly-ass sweater. Ohh! We were talking about- [both laughing]

C: About Michael Sheen talking about driving the Bentley.

G: Yeah. And David Tennant was like, "Oh, in Season 1, I complained constantly that the Bentley is so difficult to drive, and now you get to drive it." And Michael Sheen was like, "Oh my god, it's a nightmare to drive." And the whole time, I'm thinking, "Wait. But doesn’t the Bentley, just like, auto-drive?" [laughs] Like, I was conflating the reality of life to the events of Good Omens Season 2, Episode 3.

C: For real. [laughing] Sorry, I'm still looking at David Tennant. What are we talking about? Um. Um. Driving the car-

G: Look at the- Oh, no, let's not look at this photo. Let's just-

C: No, no! Send it! Send it!

G: Let's set this down.

C: [laughing] No, I wanna see it!

G: No, I already exited the tab. [C: No!] It will never be sent to you, ever. [C laughs]

[dirt-grub]

nothing makes me happier than those random videos my youtube recommends me of street performers and strangers making bomb ass music together i wish i was talented enough to freestyle and shit because like i think id reach nirvana if i could have that

[johnemulaney]

John Mulaney: From Scratch in Las Vegas, September 4

Once again, spoilers for the show and what will presumably be in the special. This is about his relapse so tread with caution is that will be an issue for you. However, the tone of his struggle is the same one he used in his past specials so if you didn’t have any issues then, I think you’d be ok with this. Of course, use your own best judgement, friends.

The opener was Seaton Smith. 

He opened with trying to find the rich people in the crowd but acknowledged that they’d go mwrmwmwrw money isn’t everything so then he started talking about golf and went aha I got ya’ll. 

There was a joke about weed being the only Christian drug

He had a bit about when white people are nice, be nervous

He had a bit about there being a black man on the Bachelor and was like America (ABC and Disney+) were not ready for a black man to be fucking a house full of 50 white women. That shit premiered on Tuesday and the Capitol burned on Wednesday.

He also did some crowd work and roasted a couple in the front row for having different answers about kids and she was like I didn’t hear the question and was roasted about how not hearing questions you don’t want to answer is certainly a tactic, often used by drug dealers

He also had a bit about how different child rearing is in Texas versus New York and about how hitting your kids is treated differently, like his dad would have just threatened it whimsically. 

Now on to the Main Event!

The first thing he said was “hiiiiiiiiii” exactly in the tone you think he said it in. he followed that up with a little shrug looking adorable and a little bashful

“It’s him! Mr. Problems. Oh Las Vegas, Oh my god” he then talks about how Vegas is a land of vice and a Choice for him to preform in as a recovering addict. He had a sober buddy and 3 bodyguards with him at all times. 

“And here’s what happened” December 18, 2020, he gets invited to a friends apartment for dinner AND HE’S TWO HOURS LATE because he stopped, coked out of his mind, at SNL for a haircut because he still had his building access badge and he went to the hair department and they were like, he’ll leave faster if we just do this, and then he stopped at his drug dealers. 

He called venmo and cashapp, apps for drug deals and was like what do normal people even use them for. He maxed both out paying for drugs. 

He was the best looking person at his intervention. “Coke skinny, new cut” and the 12 people intervening looked like shit. He looked “tears for fears while they all looked jerry garcia” (I hope you know who those musicians are besties). 

He immediately yelled “Can I go to the bathroom” to you know, dump his drugs because when you walk into that, you know what it is. 

He was not allowed to go (he would be asked if he still needed to pee later and would say “what?”

There were 6 people in NYC and 6 people over zoom in LA because he guesses 6 people couldn’t be bothered to fly in for HIS INTERVENTION

Interventions can go two ways, it can be kind of accusatory and this is how you let us all down, or it can be supportive. Everyone but Nick Kroll got the memo to be supportive.

Nick Kroll went first.

Nick Kroll listed all the ways John was a bad best friend and brother over zoom and John was getting texts during the intervention saying Nick wasn’t supposed to do that and they were all sorry. 

Bill Hader went next. he originally wasn’t going to be able to make it so he had recorded a thing but since he was there, he did it live. (He would eventually send the video to John in rehab, which is not what you want on the way to rehab “awesome, more intervention”)

He tried to derail the intervention, “there’s not enough latinx representation” he said he’d go to any rehab except the one they had picked out for him. This was a star-studded affair and he was mad no one was being funny. 

 Natasha Lyons went next, telling him his life and career is in shambles

So he gets carted off to rehab after this intervention. Don’t let 12 comedians pack your bags for 2 months at rehab. it was bombas socks and iphone chargers. 

A little secret about rehab, you’re not allowed to bring drugs in. You remember how he was late? In his pocket on the way to rehab included: a huge amount of pills, 3g of coke (which was 2g by the time he got there, courtesy of a koala station in a gas station bathroom), and $2000 in cash. He had other plans for the weekend. He was admitted for xanax, coke, perocet, and adderall addiction. Say what you will, but he does not do anything half way.

It’s 4am when he’s sent to detox, he’s been awake for 3 days. 

He also gives a small lesson on how to get drugs. Find the lowest rated doctors on yelp and webmd reviews and go ask for them, they need all the business they can get. You become like Captain Phillips, I am the doctor now. 

Dr. Michael was his shady doctor. He was a first avenue apartment where he would write prescriptions from his kitchenette where his girl Minerva was always asleep. “I didn’t kill my wife Minerva.” But John would ask for his drugs, Dr. Michael would write the script and then ask what he needed it for. Dr. Michael would also make John take his shirt off, always offering a flu shot and going no, shirt all the way off (in case you were wondering how bad this addiction actually was)

The first moral is now you know. The second moral is get vaccinated.

He’s sent to the regular ward the next afternoon and they finally get him to sleep. 

He’s sketched out that doctors have last names at this establishment

He asks for drugs such as klonopin and is taken aback a bit when he doesn’t get them. The doctor is like PA state law says no, and so John suggests they go to a CVS in Jersey to get some. 

His bestie Pete Davidson starts calling that night. Except Pete changes his number every month and a half so John has him send a selfie and saves the new number under some other random name, at this point in time, Pete is saved as Al Pacino. (We get an Al Pacino impression) John is asleep and his nurse sees Al Pacino trying to call him 5 times and so she wakes him up. 

Pete Davidson and John Mulaney did not do drugs together. (The author is lowkey surprised and sad about that, like if Pete was my bestie, we’d make so many poor choices) But Pete was always very supportive of his sobriety. 

John needs recognition so badly, in group when they introduced themselves he said “I’m John M.” and no one cared. So he left a tabloid out with the news of his admittance and his face on it in the rec room on the table. The not being someone was “driving him bananas.” When they talked about what they do for a living and he said I’m a a stand up comedian, someone asked if he made a living that way. He said “yeah ask your daughter” (or your son)

One of the things you do at rehab is break up with your drug dealer.

One of his drug dealers only bought drugs to keep John from buying worse off the streets and only got into the game because John kept asking him for drugs and was his only buyer. That guy was originally a painter and John has no idea how they met. John is the only person to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer. 

Here he did the Baby J is back baby joke. the Park Theater is one of the biggest stages in the world so he did that joke in one pace across the stage and said the stage is that joke long. 

“I am no longer on drugs. It’s very good but also ah---” He’s in a 12 step anonymous group. 

“I need attention, clearly.” After a show you think he would be sated, but no. 

He wants that attention that the kid who’s grandparent died and showed up to school dressed for the funeral and got to sit in the beanbag chair for reading despite it not being his turn, gets. He went on about being willing to let one of the lesser important grandparents die so he could get attention, for quite a while. 

He feels left behind in science, like his C’s and D’s in those classes. All those classes were was putting things on a windowsill for the janitor to throw away. He had a bit about how the fuck people put dinosaurs back together, it’s like getting wayfair furniture without the instructions. 

He also things the moon belongs to America. Like we got there first and when other countries say stuff about the moon he’s like mmmmmmm.

He also had a joke about paying to get into college and like, for white people that’s always how it’s been. 

The show ended with him going over the highlights of that GQ interview that he was so coked out for that he forgot he did it entirely. He has no memory of it at all. He was just called up that day and asked for an interview and you know how coke is the best drug to receive attention on? He just did whatever he wanted with that attention. 

And that was the show.

[void-inked-pen]

The Mandolin

ROTTMNT Fantasy Fic Collab Between: Me and @undercoverwizardfanfiction​

Above art by: @imaginashon​

Inspired by: @thehandleisjammed​

Characters: Mikey and Donnie

Pairings: holds charmy back if you know what’s good for you, you’ll know the answer is never (or do you want this one at your throat?)

Summary: in so many ways they are still strangers to one another but if they keep a open heart to one another they might someday call each other brothers

---

He is the master of focus.

Were words no one had ever spoken about Mikey ever. But right now, his eyes were focused (well, cross eyed) on a large red beetle situation on an even larger flower. He is only vaguely aware of Raph calling after him before he leaps out from his hiding spot like a chimera pouncing on its prey. His hands are only about to close around the bug when the beetle takes off in surprise (Mikey is only mildly sure he heard the bug ‘meep’ as it went) before he landed in the flower bush. After a few moments, and after a few of Infinity’s concerned coos, he pops his head back out of the bushes.

 “I almost got him that time!” Mikey says with a wide grin. Raph and Leo both give him a look that’s between two degrees of confusion but Donnie, under his hood, shakes his head with a tremble to his shoulders in what was probably suppressed laughter.

“Mikey” Raph calls tiredly, “we’re almost to town, can you please keep up?”

“Yeah on it!” He jumps out of the bushes and hurries over with a skip to his step.

Donnie watched his younger brother skip up to them with mild amusement. He had only known his youngest brother for a few months now and his upbeat attitude and absolutely innocent curiosity was both endearing and only slightly envious. When was the last time I was like that? The thought came out of nowhere and almost completely wiped his decent mood. But the answer that came bothered him more than the initial question; he couldn’t remember.

Trying to return to the present and not follow that train of thought any further, Donnie rubbed his tired eyes and continued following his brothers into town. Leo and Mikey were chatting away about the differences between some sort of bird, while Raph remained vigilant like some sort of escort.

“You know,” he said walking up beside the oldest. His sudden appearance startling the larger turtle. “This trip would be more enjoyable if you relaxed a bit, big guy.” Don smirked as Raph just huffed in response.

Mikey tries his best not to to smile at Raph’s tired expression that clearly says ‘how the hell can I relax with three loose hyperactive hooligans to look after’ but is grateful when Raph doesn’t say anything (except for sighing with the exhaustion of someone three times his age and on their deathbed).

Donnie and Raph walked in comfortable silence for a while before they both realized they couldn’t hear chattering behind them anymore and turned around to see the two youngest entranced by an expensive stall of goods.

Mikey turns back to is conversation partner after watching the oldest pair ahead of them settle into a calm stride. What had he been talking about again? “The Waxing Owl!” Mikey exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air suddenly returning to his train of thought, “the Waxing Owl is totally cool! You have no idea!”

“And….it’s different from a Full Moon Owl?” Leo asks. Though his expression is confused and only borderline condescending it’s a massive improvement to just a few days ago, “I mean i just wanted to know the difference between a african swallow and a european swallow-“

“Yeah yeah! Cause Moon Owls can tell the future! And if you see one during a certain moon phase that’s the kind of luck you’re supposed to get! I’ve heard entire groups of people scouring the Mist Forest trying to see one during a Waxing Moon! Its so cool and- and if you see a Waxing Owl AND a Sun Burst flower in the same month then-“ and just as it was a moment ago, Mikey loses his train of thought as his mouth drops open. Normally it would be a weird dessert he had never seen before or an extra snuggly puppy that would get his attention. But what has him now is a large storefront, he barely notices the elaborate lettering or the shopkeeper out front shining up his new door. Mikey is already standing in front of the glass with both hands pressed against it. Through the now misting up glass he can see a wooden box with a long neck and strings , “Woooooooooooow” He says “What’s that thing?”

“Hey!” the store keeper snaps hard enough at Mikey he flinched away “Off my window cretin, I just had those refinished. “

Mikey stumbles back and bumps Donnie, who nearly loses his balance as he tries to use his bad leg to keep from falling, “So-sorry Dee.” He says quietly, shoulders hunched and sad. But he looks back towards the window , “I-I've never seen anything like that before.”

Donnie steadied himself before looking up at the store window.

“You… Mean the mandolin?” He looked back at his brother for confirmation and could have sworn he saw twinkles in his eyes. “It’s an instrument you strum with your fingers and part of the lute family. I heard a famous musician used one to serenade a rich maiden into marrying him.” Donnie left out the part about how the musician was actually the family's hired fool, mainly because the story also didn't end well.

Mikey appeared to practically be vibrating in excitement as he stared at the string instrument. “I’ve always wanted to play something like that, Todd used to tell me stories about a caravan that performed music as they traveled but he didn't have an instrument of his own to teach me.”

Donnie looked at him thoughtfully before glancing back up at the mandolin again and almost balking at the base price. He subtly looked back at the store owner who appeared to be getting more and more annoyed with the four yokai’s presence. Ever so gently, Donnie grabbed the smaller turtle by the shoulders and shifted him away from the storefront.

“I think... we’re gonna have to pass on this one Mike.” He said, observing the store with a critical eye.

The younger turtle gave off a disappointed whimper and looked away sadly before hopping back into a conversation with Leo. Don could have sworn when they were leaving the storefront, the blue turtle also seemed unhappy with the price of such a simple instrument. With one more glance back at the snooty storekeeper, Donnie made a decision.

After some discussion, they (Raph) decided that staying in town was far too expensive on their already limited funds. Mikey wasn’t entirely sure why Raph was suddenly so eager to leave, especially since they hadn't visited the library yet. But it probably had to do with the wary look that the large turtle was giving Donnie, who had stayed silent after their run in with the shopkeep.

What Raph DID allow, however, was for Mikey to pick out some sweets at a baking booth that they could enjoy after dinner. It wasn’t long after that that the four of them left the town behind them. Not far enough to be gone from its sight but far enough for Raph to give a sigh of relief.

“Ok boys, let's get camp set up and dinner ready.”

“You know, if I was in proper attire, I probably could have talked that man into giving us his entire store and thanking us for it.” Said Leo with a stiff upper lip as he gathered the smallest branches humanly possible.

“yes, and attract every bounty hunter and well meaning lawman in town.” Donnie made a show of reaching over and pulling up Leos’ hood. The red slider pouts at him before readjusting his hood to allow him to see better. “Rude.” He scoffs.

Don smirks in turn before going over to where Mikey was pouring over a pot of vegetables.

“Here,” he hands over the herbs he had gotten earlier, “Keep it up. I’m going to go see if I can find any more in the forest.” Donnie says. He’s grateful when Mikey only gives him a beam in response before going back to his cooking.

Donnie makes sure to glance and ensure he hadn’t gotten Leo and Raph’s attention (Raph was too busy brushing Buddy to babysit him) as he stepped back in the direction of the town they had come from, and in a blink, disappeared…

-----

“Hey, has anyone seen Donnie?” Mikey looked up from his ministrations after hearing the slight panic from the blue turtle. Leo was looking around with a worried look, one he’d been expressing a lot more lately after they had met back up after the ‘missing ring’ incident.

“OH! He just went to gather some more herbs for me in the forest. Don’t worry, he said he’d be right back~” He said in order to calm down Leo, but somehow agitated his other brother instead.

“Wait, he said what?” Raph looked up from brushing Buddy with alarm. “Son of a- okay, here’s the deal. Leo, you stay here an watch Mikey and I’ll go after Donnie before he does something stupid!” Raph stood up quickly, dropping the brush as he spoke his orders.

“I’m sorry, but whomst are you calling stupid?” Everyone jumped as the purple turtle in question, hopped down from a tree.

“Seriously Dee, you gotta stop doing that.” Leo breathed in relief. Donnie only raised an eyebrow in confusion before walking over to Mikey.

“Okay, then explain. Where were you?” Raph crossed his arms with a knowing look.

“Gathering these,” Donnie turned around and held up a small cluster of herbs, “like I said I was.”

The two oldest glared at each other for a few seconds in silence before Raph grumbled away in defeat. Donnie, feeling victorious, turned back towards his younger brother only to see something he wasn't expecting. Mikey was looking at him with a blank expression.

“...What?” “... Why did you lie?” Mikey asked in concern. Donnie tensed up.

“I...” Don paused, looking back to where Raph had returned to his chore before putting the herbs down in Mikey's hand, “I didn’t-”

“Yes you did.” In a way, Donnie hates that Mikey can usually see right through him. And he happens to be looking through him with those eyes that still held the softness of a child far younger than Mikey. Somehow it feels harder and harder to lie to him by the day.

Donnie manages a sigh, before sitting down by the fire to give his leg, and the new stinging wound on his side, a break. “For the record, I technically didn’t lie. I did get more herbs.” Again those eyes bore into him like a truth telling light, “But, I didn’t like the way that shopkeep talked to you earlier.” He reaches into his bag and pulls out the mandolin that Mikey had been admiring.

The youngest lets out a soft gasp, hands over his mouth for a moment before he reaches out as though to take it before drawing his hands back, “W-why did you steal it thought?” Mikey asked quietly.

“I just told you, you wanted it and that shopkeep was a–”

“No-I...” Mikey pauses again, “I mean why do you steal? At all?”

Donnie felt something in his chest tighten. He had to look away in order to calm his breathing and stop the dust around him from shifting. Why do you steal? The question rang in his head so loudly it was beginning to get harder and harder to hear the crackling of the fire.

A hand gently placed itself onto his shoulder and he couldn’t stop himself from flinching and tensing up hard at the touch. But the hand didn’t move away.

“...I… I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you I just… I wanted to know” Mikey said softly.

It took a few more calming breaths for him to finally look back into those kind eyes.

“... You could say… it was the family business that helped me become the thief I am now,” Don sniffled, “but truthfully… It's how I managed to survive so long. Mike, not everyone has the option to follow a path of honest work. If I had tried to follow any number of opportunities towards something I was passionate about… I wouldn’t last long.” Donnie said that last line almost too quietly to hear.

“What do you mean?” Mikey’s face scrunched up in confusion.

With another deep breath Donnie prepared himself. “If i tried to follow a path academically, like I had always wanted… She would find me.” He shivered as he continued, “If I had tried to make ends meet as a crafter, I would have failed due to my magic limitations… Mike, I never had the option for much else.”

“B-but.” Mikey tries to start back up again even as he interlocks his fingers and lowers his head, “That’s not fair.”

When he looks up again he’s surprised to see Donnie giving him a soft smile. His eyes could easily be mistaken for either pity or some other emotion that Mikey doesn’t understand. But the thief reaches out and places a rough but soft hand on Mikey’s scalp, rubbing it in the same way one might ruffle someone’s hair.

“Just please enjoy it? If Raph asks where it came from you can blame me. He blames me for everything else.” Which wasn’t entirely true, but often days he felt Jupiter James’s words spoke through Raph more then Raph’s own sense of morals. And, considering Raph was one of the kindest people Donnie had ever met, made his heart ache. But as he does with everything else, Don smiles.

For a moment Mikey feels the hand on his scalp twitch like he’s considering tapping their foreheads together but instead he hands over the earned prize that Mikey takes, unable to hide the excited smile on his face, already strumming the strings with giggles in his throat. Testing them to see what noises it’ll make. It won't be long before Mikey teaches himself how to play.

Donnie has to wait until the middle of the night before he finally sees the arrow wound in his side (It was a cheap, extremely lucky shot). But as he tends to the wound, he still smiles.

To steal for himself was just for survival.

But to steal for his brother, to make him smile was an act he’d never regret.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading! 

also thank you Ash for the beautiful art for this fic~ all of this was kinda spur of the moment and im glad this turned out so fun!

we had fun writing this together~ The fantasy AU is one of my personal all time fav au’s and I highly recommend reading more in the ao3 collection

- Pen

[maximumjinx]

Steven Universe Gravity Falls AU

~Yknow what they say, if you run out of content, ya gotta make it yourself. This is a ? shot (I might continue or not who knows not me) please don’t ask for more I have 18 unfinished fanfics on this site.~

California was nice, Steven had to admit. The people were nice, the food was fantastic, and the weather was splendid. It reminded him a lot of Beach City. Though there were just so many people, and traveling north, Steven was beginning to long for something small and simple again.

Oregon was the perfect place for that, right?

“Ronaldo wants pictures of Bigfoot, and if anyone can find him, its you Steven.” Petey’s voice was faint on Steven’s phone speaker, tossed into the passenger seat as Steven blindly picked a highway exit.

“Sure Petey, but couldn’t Ronaldo just go to a circus?”

“Not big feet Steven,” Petey emphasized, “Bigfoot.”

“Saying it twice isn’t helping buddy.” Steven was half paying attention. He was focusing on the winding roads and the looming trees surrounding him. Deep, in the pit of Steven’s stomach, he felt something start to tug him toward one direction farther away from the highway. He wasn’t quite sure if it was a good or bad feeling yet.

“Forget it, I’m going to take a blurry photo of that mean Gem in the woods and say its Bigfoot.”

“Just don’t let Jasper catch you, she’s no joke when she’s angry.”

“I saw her ripping grass out of the ground I think I’ll be fine. Later dude.”

Steven heard a small click and smiled to himself. He’s happy to see how far the people of Beach City have come and how they’ve taken to the gems. He remembers when the Crystal Gems were once the outcasts of town that locals warned you to stay away from.

He looked up to see a welcome sign.

“Gravity falls. Well, that’s a funny name.”

—

Steven wanted small and simple but he feels he may have overshot it.

This small town had exactly three attractions. A town museum that mentioned marrying woodpeckers (Steven couldn’t figure out if that was a normal human thing, like taxes and velcro), a small diner, and as one local described it ‘some tourist trap’ deep in the woods. It was a sticky summer day and the former two attractions didn’t have airconditioning. Steven gambled on the last stop in hopes of stretching his legs and maybe finding a source to the strange feeling in his gut. It had become much stronger since he entered this small town. Alluring, but nothing related to Gems as far as Steven could tell.

He parked in the nearly empty lot and stepped out. Jacket wrapped loosely around his hips, Steven made his way inside.

A girl that looked about 13 was petting a pig on the front porch. She was incredibly reflective, and depsite the heat wore a knitted bedazzled sweater that made her glow like a disco ball in the sun.

She looked Steven up and down as he approached, a wide smile taking up her face and Steven saw bright braces with colored bands.

“Hi!” She launched upwards, startling the pig away, “I’m Mabel, but you can call me anytime.” The girl winked and stuck out her hand, palm facing the floor.

Steven blinked.

“Mabel, stop scaring away the customers!” A gruff voice yelled through the screen door, and soon an older man stepped out in a suit, wearing a fez and eyepatch.

Immediately the old man squinted at Steven, sizing him up.

Stanley Pines knew this teen wasn’t local, but he wasn’t sure if he had any money. For all he knew he was another boy trying to hit on his giftshop cashier, Wendy.

Oh well, a customer is a customer.

“Come in, come in, and see our mystical and magical wonders!”

“Magical?” This could be it, Steven could figure out why this town has felt off. Maybe it was gem related after all.

Quickly this older man who had introduced himself as Mr. Mystery gave Steven a tour of what looked like failed taxidermy projects. Now Steven may have a lived a sheltered childhood, but he felt pretty confident there was no such thing as a Sashcrotch. And so far, nothing had felt magical or mysterious.

“That concludes our tour! Here is our mistifying giftshop and it’s purchasable wonders!”

“Right...” Well, at the very least he was able to spend some time in airconditioning.

There was a girl behind the desk in plaid that looked about Steven’s age, and just a half inch shorter than him. She looked bored, flipping through a magazine as a young boy that looked a lot like Mabel made googly eyes as he swept by the door.

Steven guessed there was no harm in asking around.

“Hi, I’m Steven.” He smiled easily, walking up to the register.

“No refunds, even if an exhibit bit you.” She sighed, peeking up before turning back to her magazine.

“Oh no, nothing bit me, I just wanted to know something.”

She looked up to get a better look at Steven and gave a small smirk.

“Sure, but only because I like your shirt. Mr. Universe merch, now that’s a deep cut.”

Unbeknownst to Steven, Dipper Pines would had been watching the exchange felt a twinge of uneasiness as this out of towner talked with Wendy.

“Have you ever seen anything strange or weird actually happen in this town?”

Wendy’s smile dropped.

“Why do you ask?” Her eyes flickered to Dipper, just for a moment, and that was all he needed to rush over.

“Excuse me sir, please buy something or exit the store.” Dipper spoke in the deepest voice he could muster.

Steven looked over with a questioning expression.

“Oh sure uh-“ He blindly reached for the wad of bills that his dad had given to him before he left. Steven pulled out a hundred dollar bill and put it on the counter. Wendy looked up baffled as Steven stuffed the other cash back in his wallet.

“Boy was I wrong about you kid!” Mr. Mystery, seemingly materializing out of nowhere, now bounded over. He had loosened his tie and lost the eyepatch which turned out he never needed.

“Whaddya wanna know? I’ll tell you everything. There’s gnomes in the woods you know-“

“Grunkle Stan!” Dipper protested loudly, dragging his Stan away and harshly whispering at him.

“Did you steal that money?” Wendy asked as Steven watched the pair whisper fight in the corner. He turned back to the girl and gave a sheepish smile.

“Uh no, my dad gave it to me before this roadtrip. He’s actually Mr. Universe.”

Wendy lit up.

“No freaking way! Your dad is Mr. Universe? I only got into him since he managed Sadie Killer and the Suspects and they always perform covers of his songs on tour, I can’t believe he’s your dad!” She rambled, stars in her eyes. Steven beamed, he loved when people praised his dad’s music. Greg really deserved it.

Steven learned Wendy’s name and they swapped stories back and forth, only interrupted as the girl from outside slowly rose from the behind the counter beaming.

“A cute musician that loves weird stuff, take me now.” She swooned. Steven blushed profusely, not used to the attention.

“Sorry, my girlfriend Connie probably wouldn’t like that very much.” He said gently. Mabel looked him up and down and pouted.

“I can wait, but not forever.” She warned, and winked, bounding to break apart her grunkle and Dipper, who are now whisper screaming with arms flailing.

“I wasn’t going to mention that Dorito shaped jerk! Just the normal stuff!”

“It’s dangerous! He could be a spy, or government, or another stack of gnomes!”

Steven raised an eyebrow and looked at Wendy. She chuckled and shrugged. Steven carefully approached them.

“He can hear everything you’re saying anyways so might as well tell him!” Mabel interrupted, nodding towards Steven as he came up.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m definitely not government.” Steven technically didn’t exist at all. He never had a social security card and didn’t have a birth certificate.

Dipper only glared. Rich strangers with an interest in the paranormal didn’t come through gravity falls without some kind of agenda.

Steven hated the conflict he was starting. No information was worth this family fighting.

“Okay,” he surrendered, hands up, “I’ll just go. I’ll stick around town until tomorrow if you change your minds”

“Wait Steven-”

“Let him go Wendy,” Dipper glared as the boy in pink walked out, “We can’t trust him.”

“But I was going to ask for Sadie tickets...” Wendy groaned, defeated.

“There’s something weird about him.”

“Great!” Mabel beamed, “He’ll fit right in.”

~.~

Steven wasn’t crazy about sleeping in his car, but was seriously considering it after seeing the state of his motel room. It looked like it hadn’t been used in decades, a thin line of dust covering every surface. He was also pretty sure they didn’t even have free ice. 

“Wish Pearl were here..” He mumbled, exhausted. He curled up on top of the covers, fully clothed, and let sleep take him.

Being Steven Universe however, meant rest was sure to allude the half alien. 

Steven found himself in a dark space, fog all around him. Before a word could come out of his mouth he heard a fast, repetitive muttering. 

“Stranger...Wendy looked pretty today..Can’t trust...Tell no one...Ford isn’t here..”

“What, the-” Steven quietly walked toward the source of dialogue, and saw the faded silhouette of the boy from the Mystery Shack. His back was turned to him, but Steven recognized the blue vest and mosquito bitten legs. 

“I thought I was over the dream hopping.” Steven spoke a tad too loudly, starting the young boy - Dipper.

“What-” Dipper’s eyes grew wide in panic, and the boy fell back harshly.

“No, no, you can’t be in my head!” 

“Wait, I’m not-” Steven tried to reassure him, stepping carefully towards the boy but Dipper let out a screech of terror, sweat gathering around his temples.

“Bill sent you didn’t he?! He’s not really gone- he’s going to hurt Mable again-” Dipper began to hyperventilate. 

“Dipper please,” Steven took a step back, arms in the air in surrender. 

“I-”

“I’m not going to hurt you I swear on the gems.” He placed a hand over his heart. “This is a total invasion of privacy but it’s something that happens when someone’s emotions are out of control-”

“How are you here?” Dipper demanded, scrambling to his feet. “Tell me what you are and what you want.”

“I’m just passing through!” Steven insisted, then lowered his tone to calm the younger boy. “I’m kinda of magnet for weird stuff. I just wanted to help in case anything was going on.”

“We deal with things just fine around here.” Dipper spat, then watched as Steven deflated. He seemed tired, like he hasn't slept well in a while. 

“So what are you anyways? How can you be here?”

Steven winced, and laughed nervously. “It’s kind of a long story..”

Dipper raised and eyebrow and swept his arm around the void dramatically. 

“You have until dawn.”

~

“I thought that was a conspiracy theory, it wasn’t even covered by major news outlets.” Dipper look exhausted, cross legged on the unseen floor as he ran his hands through his hair. 

“I think Garnet is pretty persuasive when it comes to government and reporters. They all kinda fall in love with her.”

“She’s the one that’s really two aliens?” 

Steven shook his head with a small smile. “It’s hard to explain but yes, I guess that comes close.”

“That’s actually insane. I’m insane, aren’t I?” Dipper stood up, leaving Steven on sitting next to an empty space. “It’s been too quiet around here and now I’m so desperate for weird, that I’m making it all up in my head.”

“I get that feeling.” Steven smiled without humor, “but no, this is real. I’ll prove it when you wake up.” Steven felt a shift, the fog in the void getting denser. 

“Sooner than I thought, you’re an early riser huh?”

Dipper looked back at Steven, panicked. “You’ll come to the Shack again right? In just a bit?”

Steven smiled. “Promise.”

~

Dipper woke up to his sister braiding his hair. Mabel still had her pjs on, and a make up kit next to the bed. Dipper frowned, tasting strawberry shortcake. 

“Stop testing party looks on me, Mabel.”

“Stop having my face structure and maybe I will.” She grinned, covered in blue glitter. 

Dipper quickly washed up and got dressed for the day, feeling like he was anxiously waiting for something but not quite remembering what. 

He felt like he had a strange dream last night...

He quickly remembered, choking on cereal as Steven walked into the shack right as it opened. Hair slightly frizzy from the heat and eyes strangely tired. Maybe dream hopping took energy that he anticipated. 

“Steven!”

“Meal ticket!” 

“Grunkle Stan.” Mabel chastised as Dipper rushed over to the older boy. 

“Good morning everyone.” 

Dipper stopped short, slightly hoping that everything he experienced wasn’t just his imagination. That everything exciting and weird and interesting wasn’t always trying to kill him, ruin his life, or steal his candy. 

Steven looked tired, like he had been doing this much longer than Dipper, but he had still come out with enough energy to smile. 

“Not insane?” Dipper asked hopefully, quietly. Steven snapped his attention from his Grunkle and Mable bickering down to the Dipper. He gave a reassuring smile, eyes quite serious. 

“Not insane.”

[gotham-ruaidh]

Little Bit Better Than I Used To Be

This story takes place during the summer of 1987. It’s the time of the Cold War, and heavy metal, and Just Say No.

Ten chapters, each with a specific song as its soundtrack.

I’m so excited to finally share it with you.

Catch up: Chapter 1 (Starry Eyes) || Chapter 2 (Save Our Souls) || Also posted at AO3

—-

Chapter 3: Dancing On Glass

I've been through hell // And I'm never goin' back // To dancing on glass // Going way too fast...

Need one more rush // Then I know, I know I'll stop // One extra push // Last trip to the top...

Soundtrack: “Dancing On Glass,” Mötley Crüe, 1987 [click here to listen]

Three P.M.

Group.

Claire’s hands wrapped around the hard sides of the plastic chair, holding herself upright, watching about two dozen fellow patients? inmates? addicts? shuffle into the room.

Two people stood at the door – greeting others as they entered, handing out small packets of tissues and bottles of Coke.

Today’s facilitator – a middle-aged, bearded man – stood to one side, chatting with a few people.

“Hey!”

Claire startled – and turned to her right to see Jamie slide into the chair beside her.

“How’s it going today? Day two, right?”

She nodded. “Met with my therapist this morning.”

“That’s great! Who’ve you got?”

“Gillian.”

Jamie cracked open a bottle. “Oh, she’s great. Been here a long time. She’s married to the director – did you know that?”

Claire’s eyebrows raised. “No, but that’s really interesting.”

Jamie gulped about half the bottle in one shot. “Yeah. We owe everything to them.”

“Yeah, well. I got assigned to dinner set-up duty.”

He beamed. “Great! I’ve been on that rotation for the last few weeks. I’ll show you all the ropes.”

“Few weeks? How long have you been here, if you don’t mind me asking?”

He set down his Coke. “I don’t. And I’ve been here eight weeks. The best eight weeks of my fucked-up life.”

“Don’t say that,” she chided. “Surely everything can’t be so terrible.”

He stared at her for a long moment.

“It can be, if you were the reason why a sold-out European tour couldn’t happen, and it cost your backers and buddies tens of millions of dollars, and it pissed off countless thousands of fans.”

Now the greeters took their seats within the circle.

“Couldn’t, or didn’t?” Claire hoped her words were gentle, but when her head split with pain like this she could never tell. “And what do you mean by ‘tour’?”

His eyes narrowed. “Couldn’t. My manager said I’d come back from Europe in a body bag. He’s a bloodsucker but he had enough sense to not kill the golden goose.” He finished his Coke in one long gulp – flexing the tattoos swirling on his forearm and elbow. “And I’m a professional musician – in case you couldn’t guess from the way I look.”

“I see.”

He grinned. “How about that – someone who doesn’t recognize me.”

She folded her hands in her lap, closing her eyes against the pain, so desperately wanting to disappear. “I guess between medical school, and being a surgeon, and my ex-husband…and the pills…there are a lot of things I haven’t paid attention to.”

“Hey.” Softly he reached out to touch her knee – and she looked up at him.

“I’m not making fun of you, Claire. It’s just…I don’t know. Refreshing.”

She smiled tightly.

The facilitator clapped his hands. “Everyone – are we ready?”

People around the circle nodded, and the man sat down in the last empty chair.

“Great. Well, hi everyone. For those of you who don’t know me – I’m Murtagh. Been clean for just about eleven years now. Before that I spent a small fortune that I didn’t have – ”

“ – on enough blow to kill an elephant,” Jamie and several others chorused.

Murtagh smiled. “Wiseasses. Now – today’s topic is: clarity.”

“Can you be more specific?” A heavyset, bearded man across the circle piped up.

“You mean – provide more clarity?” Geneva snickered from somewhere near Jamie.

“Easy,” Murtagh interjected. “And yes, Rupert, of course. What I mean is: something I hear a lot from people here is that being away from substances gives them clarity for the first time in years. Clarity of thoughts – meaning, you’re logical and rational. Clarity of judgment – meaning, you feel like you are empowered to make good decisions. And overall, clarity to step away from all the bullshit that the substances made you do, or made it easier for you to do, and say – damn, what the hell was I doing?”

Across the circle, Rupert nodded. “OK. Oh – hi everyone, I’m Rupert, and I’m an alcoholic. Yeah – I can definitely relate. I wanted to not have clarity, so that I didn’t have to think about how much I was screwing up my job, and my marriage.”

“Good,” Murtagh praised. “And now that you can’t avoid it – how do you feel?”

Rupert stroked his thick beard. “Like shit. I love Scarlet so much, and I fucked it all up. I understand that now.”

“I feel the same way,” Jamie added. “Hi, I'm Jamie, and I'm an alcoholic, too. I drank because I’ve always felt so responsible for everything going on in my band – because I’m the guy that brought us together, and I’m the guy who writes the songs, and I’m the guy who’s across the table from the record company executives, advocating on our behalf.” He bounced a long, thin, jean-clad leg rapidly up and down. “I felt like I was being used, and that I was the only one who cared. I felt that really clearly. So I drank to…to avoid that clarity.”

Claire carefully watched the others around the circle. What Jamie was sharing could make any one of them a quick buck – all it would take was one phone call to a tabloid. But everyone was listening raptly – clearly thinking about parallels in their own lives – and it began to dawn on her that Jamie had one thing she didn’t have much of for herself: respect.

“And then when I drank, I’d just get really mean,” he continued. “I’d say things to rile up my drummer. I had a fling with my manager’s girlfriend, just to fuck with him. And yeah, I’d destroy hotel rooms.”

“Your reaction was to want to hurt people,” Murtagh said gently. “You had had clarity – clarity that you were shouldering too much, for too many people – and you reacted by wanting to push them away.”

“Yeah.” Claire spoke without thinking. “Um – hi everyone, I’m Claire, and I’m addicted to pills. Halcions, mostly.”

“Oh, those are the best,” a woman to Claire’s left remarked.

“Hey – no positive talk,” Murtagh interjected. “You know better than that, Letitia.”

Letitia huffed.

Murtagh turned back to face Claire. “Tell us more, Claire, if you’re comfortable?”

Now that she’d started, she couldn’t stop. “I was – am – a trauma surgeon for an emergency room. I love it – I love the adrenaline of it, and of course being able to help people on the worst day of their lives. I love being able to heal people. But…but it’s pretty heavy stuff. People die, no matter how hard you try to save them. People wake up and they’re not happy that they don’t have a leg anymore – and I say, would you rather be dead?”

“And you wanted to get away from that?” Jamie asked gently.

She closed her eyes. “I had to have clarity to do my job properly – it’s hard to describe, but it’s like having a laser focus on what’s in front of you. Getting in the zone. Shutting out everything else. And then when it’s all done – I would crash. The whole world would come rushing back, and I’d be covered in someone else’s blood and barely able to sit down before I had to work on the next person. That was so, so hard to deal with.”

“I understand.” Claire opened her eyes – it was an older man speaking right next to Jamie. “Hi everyone – I’m Ned, I’m a lawyer and crack addict, and there are a lot of jokes I’m sure you could make based on that.”

Claire managed a small smile.

“I’m a defense attorney – I’m that guy you see on TV arguing in a courtroom and presenting to a jury. I totally get what Claire said, because I needed to have that kind of really focused clarity, too. It was kind of like acting – I had to remember my argument, and I had to present it to the jury, and I had to pick up on cues from them to see how well I was doing. And then afterward I’d just crash. But I still had to have energy to prep for the next day, and that’s where Miss Crack came in.”

“So what I’m hearing is that clarity is something you already had – and then you turn to substances to get away from it.” Murtagh folded his arms. “Because it’s hard to flip that ‘off’ switch. And then eventually, the substances change from being something to take a vacation from that clarity, to completely blocking out that clarity altogether.”

“Exactly.” It was easier for Claire to focus on Murtagh than the sea of faces surrounding her. “And it’s a deliberate choice. I’m sure, Ned and Rupert and Jamie, that you deliberately sought out something to prevent that clarity. I know I did – I wrote the prescriptions for the pills that I consumed.”

Rupert nodded. “The bottle didn’t pick itself up and pour the liquor down my throat. And you’re right, Claire – at first, at least, it was a conscious decision. Until it became something I had to depend on.”

“I think that there are ways for this to happen more positively.” A woman seated beside Rupert quietly spoke. “Oh – hi, everyone, I’m Marsali, and I’m an alcoholic. What I mean is, there are ways to flip that ‘off’ switch that aren’t so…destructive. You can go for a run. Listen to music. Cook a meal. Watch a movie. Make love to your significant other.”

Murtagh nodded. “Marsali brings up a good point here. I’ll repeat something that I’ve already told many of you before, because it bears repeating. Substance addiction is addiction, first and foremost. All of us are here because our brains are hard-wired for addiction. We can’t change that. But we can change what it is that we’re addicted to.”

“Like what?” Letitia had calmed down a bit, but clearly she was skeptical.

“Whatever works for you,” Murtagh shrugged. “Jiu Jitsu. Flower Arranging. Reading. Playing the drums. Writing. Riding motorcycles. Not all addictions are bad – we just need to find the addictions that help us, and don’t hurt us or the people around us.”

Everyone’s heads nodded in agreement, quietly reflecting.

“So – that’s my homework assignment for all of you.” Murtagh pulled a small spiral notebook from his pocket, flipped to a fresh page, and began scribbling in it. “To think about the thing that you can become positively addicted to. Something you already enjoy, or something you’ve never done before. But I hope that even just thinking about it will give you focus. Improve your clarity.”

“Got it,” Ned said quietly.

Murtagh flipped back to an earlier page in his notebook. “Now – I have here my notes from the last time I facilitated Group. OK if I start going around and asking people for follow-up thoughts to those? Rupert?”

Rupert nodded, and began to speak.

“Facilitators take turns hosting Group every fourth day.” Claire started a bit, but held steady as Jamie leaned in close, spoke quietly into her ear. “We talk about things, and we’re assigned homework, and then the next time the facilitator is back we talk about it.”

“Thanks,” Claire murmured.

Jamie didn’t pull away. “If you ever just want to talk…”

She swallowed. “Thanks. I do. I just – it’s a lot to process.”

“It is. But you’ll get there. Talk more at our dinner prep.”

With that he pulled back, and a low buzz settled somewhere between Claire’s ears as the people around her chimed in to the conversation.

[entertainment]

Entertainment Spotlight: Bebe Wood, Love, Victor

Bebe Wood is an actress and musician who stars in Hulu’s series Love, Victor, the spinoff series from the film Love, Simon. Bebe is best known for her roles as Shania on The New Normal and as Shannon on The Real O’Neals. When she’s not on the screen, Bebe is an activist supporting LGBTQ rights, a singer/songwriter, and a screenwriter. She hails from Kansas City, Missouri. Bebe took the time to chat with us about Love, Victor, music, and more. Check it out:

What first drew you to the project?

The week I got the call to audition was actually a very busy one. I was in the studio recording some music and didn’t have time for much else. (When you’re recording, you become a sort of vampiric night creature that rejects normal working hours). Immediately, the project stood out to me, as I was a fan of the film. So, the next day, I awoke at a reasonable hour and made a self-tape before heading back into the vampire studio lair!

Can you tell us a little bit about your character, Lake? Would you be friends if you met IRL?

I always describe Lake’s outward demeanor as an Elle Woods from Legally Blonde with a dash of RuPaul. She’s pretty fabulous, pompous, and sensitive underneath the surface. We’d be friends IRL. She’d be my go-to gal for Drag Brunch at Hamburger Mary’s.

If you could spend one episode playing another character, which character would you want to play, and why?

I’d like to spend one episode playing Andrew, so I get to do a whole bunch of scenes with cute basketball players. Obviously.

What do you hope the audience takes away from watching Love, Victor?

I hope that Love, Victor brings just a few people some comfort and joy to help get through this tumultuous time.

Can you remember the first time you decided you wanted to be an actress?

I first realized I wanted to become an actor after I saw a production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the West End when I was 3 years old. We were sat in the front row (much to my parent’s dismay), and during the middle of the show, the Child Catcher reached down, put his sickle on my nose, and said, “I’ll get you kiddy widdy.” I burst into laughter (much to my parent’s surprise), and it all went downhill from there. 

What do you like to do when you’ve had a bad day, and how do you like to celebrate the good ones?

Bad days are only bad days if you call them so. I’m fairly addicted to reading the news, so there’s always a bit of weight there, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think it’s about celebrating every day, even if it’s a “bad one.” It’s about being aware of the world around me and realizing how lucky I am, I suppose. All days are good days, even if they aren’t the sunniest, you know? But anyways- the unpretentious answer is DANCE PARTIES!

Aside from acting, you are also a singer/songwriter and screenwriter. Can you tell us about any exciting projects you’re working on?

I’m a screenwriter?! I’m suddenly very proud of the one short film I made a couple years back. Haha! Regarding music, I have an EP and a few singles coming out later this year. I’ve been noodling away at various instruments since I was a wee child, so this process of finally recording has been very exciting.

Who are your biggest influences?

I listen to everything from Buddy Holly to Busta Rhymes. Motown records and The Beatles are staples. I’m huge on Blues and Jazz from the 30s/40s. But I also adore the occasional film score, especially Danny Elfman. I’m all over the place. Always. There are too many talented people to be influenced by!

Describe each of the following in one word: Who you are, what you value the most, and what you’d be if you were a food item.

Bebe, kindness-love-Ruth-Bader-Ginsburg (one word), and peaches.

Thanks for taking the time, Bebe! Love, Victor season 1 is now available to stream on Hulu.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Family member anon here. Reader and they uncle tricky is awesome ^_^ and hope looking others for having a relatives for them.

Zardy is friend with his farmer neighbor that brought his grandkid for the summer and reader loved to help they grandpa farm and making new friend with zardy. When summer is over the reader gonna miss they grandpa and zardy, many years later zardy took his friend corn farm and taking caring it. It’s Halloween day and the reader dress up as a scarecrow just like they friend zardy, encounter boyfriend and girlfriend walking to a corn farm. The reader got new friends but zardy came to tell boyfriend to go away, boyfriend didn’t leave and the music began while the reader trying stop zardy but zardy doesn’t recognize reader them. When the song is over the reader rushed to hug zardy to tell that reader is zardy friend grandkid

Zardy’s human friend's grandkid (Reader) returns to the maze many years later dressed as a scarecrow, only to meet BF and GF who end up challenging Zardy to a singing match.

...........

Summer at Zardy's Maze was always fun for you, especially after learning that the scarecrow himself, Zardy, was able to come to life at night. He kept your grandpa company, helping him chase out any trespassers and keep the crops watered.

Unfortunately, this summer would most likely be the last one you'd spend at the maze, since you're moving onto college and may not be able to care for the farm anymore.

Your grandpa reassured you that he and Zardy will take care of things...although the scarecrow was less than pleased to learn of your departure.

But he bore no ill-will towards you, hugging you goodbye as you left the farm for the final time.

Years would pass and soon his longtime friend would also leave. Not only the farm, but the world.

And that was the day Zardy truly felt alone.

Things haven't been easy since, especially with his grudge against trespassers who dared "disrespect" the maze. Other creatures of the night would come to aid him in his eternal quest to preserve what remains of the giant flowers that towered over the cornstalks.

Of course, he knew not all humans were bad. But most were.

Anyone who set foot inside the maze will not come out alive.

...........

"Man..this is itchy, but I hope it's worth it.." You scratched your arm, feeling the fleece material of your costume as you checked yourself in the mirror.

Then you smiled and saw how scary you actually looked. You were a scarecrow, after all, similar to your old friend Zardy but not quite like him.

You've never forgotten about him, often missing the fun times you two had while working on the farm.

Since it was Halloween and you actually had time to do whatever you want, why not make this year extra special and revisit him?

Once you grabbed your witch-like hat and belongings, you were on your way to the maze. A friend dropped you off at its entrance, wondering why you wanted to spend Halloween all alone here. But they didn't question it and simply drove off after you waved goodbye.

"Beep!"

You blinked, confused about whether that was your friend's car. Though..it didn't sound like a horn at all.

It was more like-

"Oh! Hi, scarecrow!"

Grinning, you decided to put on a spooky act and turn around to face the people who greeted you: a blue-haired guy and a lady in a red dress, both who looked around your age.

"Welcome, friends~ What brings you to my cornfield on this frightful night?"

"Uh," the girl began. "We just wanted to take a walk through the-"

"I suggest you leave..lest you forfeit your right to live."

You recognized the voice and immediately dropped the act, spinning around upon seeing Zardy standing there. He looked more aged, his body tattered, and he was gripping a garden hoe like it was a scythe. The glow from his eye sockets was more orange as he gazed at you three.

"Good job catchin' these trespassers, friend."

"H-Huh? Zardy, I-" You began.

"You should know these humans ain't welcomed here." He interrupted coldly. "They only wanna disrupt the peace with their damn noise cannons...and destroy what ain't theirs. Don't tell me you're gonna defend 'em after what they did to us."

'Humans aren't welcomed..?' You were shocked to hear those words. 'What happened to this place? What happened to..my friend?'

Zardy's gaze flickered back to Blue Guy, noting the microphone in his hand. "Ah, you sing? I'd say I'm quite the musician myself. Let this be just a secret between us four, alright? Don't go tellin' Pumpkin Jack anything." He warned with a snicker. "If ya want a show..I'll give ya a show."

Although you knew absolutely nothing of this "Pumpkin Jack" he was talking about, you knew Zardy was determined to chase out these innocent people. So you reluctantly stepped back and watched as he and Blue Guy had a sing-off.

'I don't remember grandpa ever teaching him about music..'

Red Dress Girl, who you soon learned was "Cherry", told you about her boyfriend--Blue Guy who's name is "Keith". She was surprised when you said you weren't actually a scarecrow, just someone in a costume who was close friends with Zardy.

Though as you tried to explain, the song became more intense, and you noticed Zardy was practically screaming at Keith with haunting undertones in his vocals. Miraculously the latter remained fearless, keeping up with the rhythm until the very end.

Once the music ended, Zardy was infuriated at losing. Then he spun his tool around, raising the bladed part and scowling at Keith, who now became terrified as he beeped out of fear.

But before anyone could get hurt, you finally intervened, running over to hug your old friend tightly. "Zardy, stop!! Don't hurt them!!"

"..huh..?" The straw of hay fell from his mouth as he glanced down at you, recognizing your voice. "You couldn't be....no. Of course not. They've forgotten about me...or perhaps they're gone, too."

"My costume is that convincing?" Stepping back, you removed your mask so that he could see it was truly you, smiling up at him. "That surprises even me, but I never forgot about you."

"[Y/n].." His eyes widened with astonishment.

You've grown so much since the last time he saw you..

He just didn't know what to say. "I...I didn't-"

"It's okay, I forgive you for what you said about humans. I know a lot of us suck, but there's good ones out there." You chuckled, glad that he finally realized it was you.

Dropping his weapon, Zardy brought you into a tight hug, his hands trembling. "I've missed you so much, old buddy. It's been..far too long, and I've just been..so lonely and angry and..."

"I'm sorry I haven't come back sooner," you returned the embrace. "But I'm not leaving you again."

Keith and Cherry could only look on at the touching scene, smiling as they saw that this scarecrow wasn't so scary and mean after all. Sure, they were confused on your friendship with him, but they knew better than to interrupt.

So they quietly left the maze, hoping you'll enjoy the rest of your Halloween with your old friend.

[hello-im-not-a-possum]

18. Skeleton

Buddy and Sammy find the “goldfish room” as the latter calls it, AKA the closet where Joey keeps his skeletons, literally. And in the process, Buddy learns about a few of the skeletons in Sammy’s metaphorical closet. (Set during ink hell, pre loop, post Buddy befriending the lost ones/searchers.)

The Prophet was a strange ally.

It was weird to work alongside someone who worships the guy who tore you in half and is the biggest reason why you’re stuck in a nightmarish, inescapable studio, especially when it wasn’t the nicest or friendliest person before getting claimed by the ink. (Although, as he thought back on it, had he ever met Sammy before it was claimed by the Ink?)

But ANY ally was better than an enemy, especially when that ally knows the studio better than anyone else down here. Besides, it seemed like the Ink man was either unaware of their past or didn’t even know who they used to be, and even if it did, it wasn’t angry about their past issues.

At the same time, working on scavenging trips with the former musician was a nightmare; it was way too tranquil about the situation, and there were too many weird murderous monsters that the wolf and gofer were aware of.

“I do not need to run, little wolf. I can evade these creatures without issue through my Lord’s gift.” The Prophet calmly stated as Buddy gestured confusion about why it didn’t run when the pair heard something that sounded suspiciously like the projectionist’s screams. “Besides, running through these halls is risky, I would be heard by those… more unsavory denizens of this studio and get ambushed by them.”

He wished his typewriter was quieter in instances like this, being able to type out ‘But what if you get caught by your lord?’ and other messages to hand to him without risking alerting the Ink Demon would be great. Or just having his voice back in general.

“If my Lord decides to send me back to the puddles, then it is his right to do so to prove I have changed.” He answered the unspoken question. “But it does mean that I have to work harder to get him to notice how much I have improved, get him to notice me…” 

‘Please don’t read my mind unless I give you the “go for it” gesture. It’s creepy otherwise.’

“My apologies, little wolf, while your thoughts come in quieter than everybody else’s… they’re still noticeable, especially when it’s just the two of us.”

Buddy hesitantly nodded and just tried to lead the Prophet out of the ransacked room to look for more stray supplies.

A few more hours of searching lead the pair to a locked room, something that experience told him meant that either it was another dead end or a hidden treasure trove of supplies, and not wanting to go back to the safe house empty handed, he was ready to roll those dice.

Buddy gestured for the Prophet to stand guard as he picked the door’s lock, and as the door slowly creaked open, he was thankful that he couldn’t speak because the scream that came out from his mouth would’ve been loud enough to alert every monster in the studio.

The former gofer felt sick to his stomach when he saw them. Piles upon piles of rotting, mangled, corpses. Human Corpses, not toony corpses like the other Borises or the butchered up members of the Butcher gang. Most of them were unrecognizable, partly because he had never seen most of these people in his life, and partly because they had decayed so much that what remained was hard to figure out who was who and what. The oldest corpses were nothing but skeletons and clothes, and the freshest one looked like…

...Like his own body.

“The goldfish room...” The prophet muttered loud enough for Buddy to hear, startling the poor pup out of his skin as he didn’t hear him enter behind him.

The wolf shuddered and continued to scour the room for anything worth the hassle of all of this. Boris wanted to take a few of the bones, which Buddy unenthusiastically obliged.

“Don’t eat those!” The Prophet interjected so loudly and harshly that it startled both the former gofer and the wolf toon. The ink creature’s anger was so much scarier with how rare it was to see now. “Especially not him! He’s my-” The Prophet stopped itself by covering its ‘mouth’ with its hands as if it was about to reveal a big secret and just took the skeletal arm out of Buddy’s hands and put it back where he found it. Its voice went back to it’s normal calm tone that reminded him of someone who was on the verge of falling asleep, but Buddy heard somberness in the musician’s pitch. “...they’re unclean...”

‘Prophet?’ Buddy gave him the “go ahead, read my mind” gesture. ‘Prophet, what is this place? Who are these people?’

“...You’ve seen your own corpse among them, correct?”

Buddy nodded.

“I know you’ve met Joey, but tell me; ...Has he ever called you ‘Henry’ before?”

‘Yes he has, but what does that have to do with…’ he gestured at the bodies on the floor ‘this?!’

“Henry’s been gone for a long time now.” The prophet stated, but there was a hint of recollection in his tone that weakened the calmness, and the more he talked, the more broken (for lack of a better term) his voice became. “Do you think that you were Joey’s first replacement goldfish? That after Henry left the studio, you were Joey’s only other other Henry?”

Buddy’s ears began ringing and he heard music; it was loud, distorted, fast-paced, and all over the place, the type of music that makes your heart pound out of your chest and makes your hackles stand up, the type of music that tells you to run, but doesn’t clue you in to where or why. The prophet’s body started to shake and tremble.

“The first Other-Henry was actually named Henry as well. And like his predecessor, was an excellent artist who really connected with the characters...”

‘Sammy? What’s going on? do you hear this too?!’

“But unlike Stein, Ross was a very stubborn person who refused to let anyone push him around, especially by either Joey or myself. Surprisingly, I liked that man, but he didn’t last long...”

Fear kept Buddy’s legs frozen to the ground as he covered his ears in a fruitless attempt to muffle the music, it felt like it was being played directly in his head, and then it clicked when the whispers started up, whispers in their tone, but not in volume, they were loud enough to drown out parts of what the Prophet was saying;

‘Sammy help us!’

“The next one was more like you, a younger, less experienced and more skittish person, his first name was ‘Lawrence’ so everyone called him ‘Larry’ to avoid confusion...”

‘Sammy, where are you?’

“...But he was also too nosy for that poor boy’s own good.”

‘you’re too weak!’

“The one after that was a scatterbrained fellow, very passionate about his work but didn’t focus very much on one topic or another...”

The Prophet’s monologue was completely drowned out by the music and chorus of desperate and angry “Other Henries” at this point. Buddy knew he was still talking because of the musician’s gestures, but didn’t hear a single word out of him. 

‘Saaaaaammyyyyyyy....’ ‘You’re such a spineless coward...’ ‘Sammy please save us..!’ ‘Why did you let Joey kill us?’ ‘The ink... it’s so cold...’ ‘No wonder Susie hates you so much...’ ‘Sammy, please! It hurts!’ ‘Why did you let us die?’ ‘Why won’t you help us?’ ‘You’re no better than Joey.’ ‘Sammy, help us!’ ‘I thought you loved me...’ ‘Sammy, help us!’ ‘You promised me that you’d always be there!’ ‘Sammy, help us!’ ‘They were right about you...’ ‘Sammy, help us!’ ‘Saaaaaammyyyyyyy....’

He knew that the lost ones, searchers and Prophet could hear each others’ thoughts, but didn’t understand what that was like until now that he was hearing Sammy’s thoughts. No wonder most of them were always so depressed and on edge...

‘Sammy?’ the gofer shook Sammy gently, only to hear his own voice join the chorus of other Henries as one of the ones who sounded like he was mad at him. ‘Sammy, snap out of it!’ he shook the Prophet harder, still not waking the Ink creature out of its trance. ‘SAMMY!’ Doing the first thing that came to mind out of desperation, Buddy slapped the mask clean off of it.

The music and voices died as if they were a candle light snuffed out by the wind.

For a few seconds that felt more like hours, Buddy and Sammy stared at each other in silence before Sammy put its mask back on as if nothing happened and led the toon wolf out of the goldfish room, took a key out of its pocket and locked it behind them.

-----

Back in the safe house, Buddy started up a pot of bacon soup, the stuff tasted a little bit better when it was hot while Sammy tuned the banjo in the dining area and Dot tried to stir up conversation.

“So... how did the supply run go?”

“Fine.”

Buddy involuntarily let out a snort as he took the soup off the stove and took out his typewriter.

[It was the scariest one we’ve ever done so far.

While looking around for stuff, we ended up in this place S The Prophet called ‘the Goldfish room’ and it was filled with dead bodies. HUMAN dead bodies. And mine was in the pile! I couldn’t tell if it was haunted or if it was just the prophet’s thoughts going]

“Little wolf, I do not wish to think about that room again...”

[Sorry.]

The wolf sheepishly put the typewriter to the side and poured the soup into bowls. As the toon and lost one ate, the prophet mostly just stared into his bowl as if he was watching something in it.

“...Before my enlightenment, I was not a good person.” The masked musician stated unprompted.

“Huh?”

“I wasn’t an evil person per say, and I wouldn’t go as far as to call the man I used to be a monster.” He sighed and adjusted his mask. “But I was certainly a bad person, an asshole, a coward who hid behind physical strength, and I had more vices than virtues.”

[Prophet, what are you talking about?]

“I’m trying to answer the questions I know you have before either of you two pester them out of me. Maybe when you’re sated my Lord will allow me to forget again.”

[Are you sure? you seemed really upset back ...there.]

“Well look at it this way, maybe getting it off your chest will help you feel better about it?”

“I suppose...” The prophet sighed again.

“So what does you being a crackhead before finding the Ink Demon Religion have to do with a room full of dead bodies?”

“Dorthy!”

“...I’ll just listen before asking anything else.”

“Thank you.” It readjusted its mask. “Now where was I...” it hummed to itself for a bit before speaking again, with venom slowly but surly pooling into its words. “I had more vices than virtues, and Joey could see all of both, using my virtues to his advantage, and using my vices against myself, he did everything he could to keep me from leaving him too, and it worked.”

The prophet took in a deep breath to stabilize itself.

“Every time I tried to leave, he did something else to make me stay; ‘I love you’s turned to gifts, gifts to false promises, false promises to threats, threats to blackmail, blackmail to going through with it, and when he felt me slipping through his fingers he turned to taking advantage of my addictions... That... monster was a parasite in all aspects except physically... And I didn’t even notice until I might as well have been a walking corpse as I was seeing others march to my fate, but I couldn’t even so much as squeak out a warning without Joey swooping in on his behalf. Some Henries, heads of the art department, didn’t need to be warned by me as they found out what would await them and fled. But Joey didn’t like that... When I tried to warn the ones who needed to be warned, it was easy for him to dismiss me as a loon, a drunk, and an addict, until eventually I just gave up. I couldn’t even save myself, let alone anyone else... let alone the other art departments...”

“...I just stopped trying to keep Joey from leading the sheep to the slaughter, maybe they’re right to be angry at me for being such a coward...”

It then turned to face the wolf and put its hand on his shoulder.

“You’ve asked yourself if you’ve ever met me before the Ink had claimed me, as for that, I don’t know, nor do I think it matters, Buddy. I was nothing but a shallow and beaten husk of myself long before I even had tasted the ink. Even if you met me before then, you only met a ghost, not a person.”

The three then stayed in silence for a while before the clicks of Buddy’s typewriter caught the other two’s attention.

[Well, if it helps you any I think you’re not as bad of a person as you tell yourself you used to be.]

“And I don’t need to hear everyone’s thoughts to know that you’ve really stepped up to the plate when it counted. I don’t think a coward would try to do have the stuff you’re doing now.”

“Thanks you two” The Prophet’s voice cracked with emotion. “That... that really means a lot to me.”

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

Prove Them Wrong | Reggie Peters

A/N: I got these two requests for a Reggie fic and decided to merge them together, I hope you don’t mind! 

Request 1:  Please i just want a fanfic of reggie discovering YouTube and uploading home is where my horse is video and the gang reacting to it since people absolutely love it

Request 2:  Hi!! Can you do one where the reader is julies friend and is with her when the boys come back and her and Reggie have a instant connection and he follows her around and is always talking to her

Relationships: Reggie x Reader, Sunset Curve x Reader, JATP x Reader

Warnings: Fluff? 

Words:  4,165

Your life has been pretty ordinary for the past 16 years. A life pretty much every person would call boring was a life you wouldn’t change for the world’s most expensive things. Until you met Reggie and the other boys from Sunset Curve. You say boys, but it would be much more accurate if you said ghosts. Sunset Curve was a ghost band from the 90’s that popped into your life one night when you were helping your best friend Julie clean up her mother’s studio. 

2 months earlier… 

A text from Julie comes in when you’re doing your homework on your bed whilst watching reruns of Friends on your laptop. The show makes for good background noise, you find. “911!” Worry rises within you as you read the call-for-help text from your best friend. “U ok?” you text back. Three dots begin dancing on the screen, raising suspense. “Do u wanna come help me clean out mom’s studio? :( x” A soft smile plays at your lips whilst more dots appear. “Don’t think I can do it by myself.” You close the Netflix app on your laptop and get up to put some proper pants on. You had the habit to kick your jeans off the second you got home. Prancing around in your underwear after a tough day at school has become one of your favorite things to do, but Julie might not appreciate that too much, nor would the neighbors. “OMW!” you quickly text back and hop into your Vans before heading down to the Molina house. You find your best friend behind the grand piano, looking up at the chair-decorated ceiling of the shed. Something Julie’s mom did with a superstitious meaning you’d kind of forgotten. Neither you nor Julie believed it, to be fair. “Hey,” you greet softly, making her look at you. A smile appears on her lips, glad you’d be willing to come over and help. Like you’ve been so many times last year when her mother died. You’d be there to listen to her talk about all the memories with her mom, or to hug her as she cried because she missed her.  This is just another part of the grieving process she needs to get through, and you’re there to hold her hand all the way through it. “Are you okay?” you ask, walking towards the piano and leaning your forearms on it. “Yeah, it’s just a little weird to be here…” she says as her eyes start scanning the entire space. “There are so many memories of her in here.” Her fingers glide across the piano keys. “Yeah, I know,” you whisper, not wanting to bring up anything that might hurt her. You remember the days you’d come over to play with Julie and you’d hear her mom singing in her studio. You remember when you’d make music together with Carrie and her dad and Julie’s mom. There are so many unfinished songs about bunnies and puppies from when you were kids, and even some more recent ones about the person you had a crush on or about that boy that broke your heart when you were fifteen. Those songs are now stored away in the back of your mind, waiting for the day Julie would start singing again. Along with all those memories you put on tape.  “Let’s get crackin’!” you tap the top of the piano in a rhythmic beat before stepping away and holding out your hands for Julie to take. The girl gets up from the stool behind the piano and carefully places her hand in yours. You pull her away from the piano and halt in the middle of the garage, looking up to the loft that suddenly seems very looming. Both of you know whatever’s up there is the ghost of a musician’s past, and not even Julie’s mom’s. No, all the instruments up there are from the people that used to live here. Julie never told you, but you’re certain Carrie’s dad used to live here when he was a child and sold his parents’ house to Julie’s parents when they died. You’d noticed the way Trevor always stood in the doorway, glancing around with soft eyes and a tender smile tugging at his lips. Almost like he’s reminiscing about his past. Besides, he’s accidentally slipped up a few times when talking about his childhood, saying he used to play around here with some of his buddies. No one else ever mentioned it, so you didn’t either. There’s probably a good reason for him not to speak about his past in too much detail. You climb up the stairs first and step up on the wooden floor, letting your eyes scan over all the junk up here. Keyboards, old guitars, drumsticks, even an entire drum kit, along with bags and backpacks, all strewn around the place. “Y/N,” Julie’s voice makes you snap out of your thoughts. You look down to find Julie still on the stairs, half of her body in he loft. She’s holding a CD up to show you. “Sunset Curve?” you read aloud from the black CD case. “Never heard of that band.” “Let’s give it a listen?” she suggests and after receiving an agreeing nod from you, she climbs down again, followed by yourself. She places the CD into the stereo whilst you sit down on the couch. Julie presses play and joins you. “1-2-3 Take off, last stop Countdown till we blast open the top Face first, full charge--” The music fades away as it’s overpowered by a loud screeching noise. You look over at Julie, who has her hands up to her ear to cover them from the noise. Your eyebrows knit together, confused as to what’s happening. It might just be a fault in the production of the song? Or maybe a scratch on the CD? Before you can even come up with a decent reason, a bright flash lights up the entire garage, followed by a loud thud. And, when you look up, you find three boys in the middle of the studio, scrambling up from where they’d come down harshly. You and Julie quickly get up from the couch, wanting to take a closer look at the scene in front of you.  “Woah! How did we get back here?” One of them says, confused about his surroundings. Julie lets out an ear-piercing scream before running out of the garage, leaving you with those three boys. You have no clue what’s happening, and you don’t know what to do either. Should you run and hide like Julie? Or should you just wait and see if they have a reason for being here? “Hello!” one of them yells excitedly, making you snap out of your train of thoughts. It’s the dark-haired boy with the red flannel tied around his waist that’s talking to you. “I’m sorry, who are you and what are you doing in our studio?” Your eyes widen at this. They think this is their studio? “I-I’m… I’m sorry, gimme a second,” you say, holding up your finger. The boy nods curtly before you dash out of there too, running up to Julie’s room with the question haunting your head ‘Who are they? And why do they think it’s their studio?’ After a while, you and Julie pluck up the courage to go back into the garage, armed with a cross since Julie’s positive they’re ghosts. Turns out they are. They -- along with Google -- explain they’re three ghosts that used to be in a band called Sunset Curve and that they died after eating bad hotdogs in ‘95. Luke, Reggie and Alex introduce themselves to you, and from that moment on, you’re certain these three ghost boys will change your life forever. And they do. 

Present day

To say your life has changed since the day those boys came into your life is an understatement. It went from studying while watching Friends in your room to going out to their gigs almost every Saturday and sitting in on their rehearsals every day after school. You, along with Julie, have grown very close to the boys in the last five months. They’ve become your best friends you could talk to about everything and anything. But the most special connection you have, is with Reggie. Ever since that day, the boy hasn’t left you alone. Every time you’re at the Molina house, he’ll poof in, wherever you are. Whether you’re getting a drink or a snack in the kitchen, or  you’d just come out of the bathroom, he’d be there. This caused a lot of heart attacks, but also a lot of deep conversations.

Especially if he came to your own house. This was mostly when he’d had a bad day or missed his old life or his parents. He’d poof into your room and just tell you to do whatever you were doing, that he just wanted to hang out. After a few times, you didn’t even ask anymore and he didn’t have to tell you to just continue whatever you were doing. Those nights even ended with the two of you cuddling, which is something  you realized you could do for some unknown reason. But you liked it, so you didn’t think too much about it.  Today is Friday, which means it’s the last big rehearsal before the boys and Julie have their gig tomorrow night. And though you’d much rather be there with them, you have to watch your little siblings for the night since your parents have gone out to a dinner party. You’re making some popcorn in the kitchen for all of you to munch on when watching a movie, when Reggie suddenly poofs in, making you jump. You hadn’t expected him to come in this early, which causes the worry to well up inside of you. Something must’ve happened. “Reg, you okay?” you ask in a hushed voice, glancing back at the kids in front of the tv. “No…” he murmurs, wringing his flannel in his hands. He looks sad, sadder than when he misses his old life, which means something really bad must’ve happened. “Gimme a second,” you say and turn to leave the kitchen. Reggie smiles a little as those words remind him of the first words you ever said to them. “Kids, it’s time for bed!” Moans and whines come from the little kids on the sofa, protesting their early bedtime. “No complaining! Chop chop!” you rushed them up the stairs before returning to the kitchen. “Get yourself comfy on the couch, I’m just gonna put them to bed real quick, okay?” Reggie nods agreeingly and watches you walk away again. He grabs the bowl of popcorn you’d prepared and takes it into the living room. Even though he can’t eat, he’d want you to snack on it since you’re the one that made it. “Sorry it took so long. They can be really stubborn sometimes,” you exhale frustratedly as you plop onto the couch next to Reggie. “Now, tell me, what’s going on?” “So, I suggested to Luke we’d try this song I wrote a while ago,” he starts solemnly. “Home is Where My Horse is?” you ask, remembering him writing that up in your room. You’d even helped him on some verses.  “Yes, that one! But he just rejected it… Again!” he sighs exasperatedly, throwing his head back on the backrest of the couch. “Yelled at him that he didn’t appreciate my talent and just poofed out,” he chuckles airily, and you do too. “I’m sorry Luke isn’t more open to your creativity, Reg… I really wish I could help you somehow, if I knew something I--” you stop in your tracks as an idea pops into your head. “What is it, Y/N?” he asks, getting excited as it seems you have an idea.  “What if we film you singing the song and upload it on YouTube?” you suggest, eyes twinkling at the idea alone. He nods excitedly at first, but then slows down when he realizes he has no clue what you’re talking about. “What’s a YouTube?” he asks. You let out a giggle before grabbing his hand and leading him towards the dining table where you’d left your laptop. You open it on the site and show him the home page filled with different types of recommended videos. “It’s a platform where people can post videos of whatever they like. A lot of artists use it for their music videos nowadays. It’s where I posted ‘Edge of Great’ a few weeks ago,” you explain. 

He peers at the screen with wide, intrigued eyes. You then lean forward and type in ‘Queen don’t stop me now’ before hitting enter. Reggie’s eyes widen even more as you press play on the music video.

“I could film you with my dad’s equipment and edit the whole thing together and upload it. At least then the world will see how truly talented you are and maybe Luke might change his mind too?” He eagerly nods his head in agreement, getting excited about the whole idea. Besides him being able to prove to his band that his country songs are worth taking a second look at, it’s also a good opportunity for you to test out some new techniques. 

So, on Saturday, the two of you get up at the crack of dawn -- or you do since ghosts don’t really sleep -- and make your way down to the riding club your little brother goes for riding classes. You’re acquainted with the owners, so they’ll let you film whatever you need around there. Doesn’t even matter if it looks like you’re not filming anything. “Okay, you ready?” you mutter as you set up the first scene. He’s currently sitting on a picnic bench with his guitar in his lap and the stables in the background. Your camera is set up in front of Reggie with the stable doors on each side of his head, perfectly balanced. You simply nod your head curtly as his ‘action’ sign. He immediately starts strumming his guitar and singing out his self-made words. “Home, what is it really? Sometimes it’s a someone and not a place, It’s that feeling of being safe, It’s about who you’re with at the end of the day…” You spent the entire day running around the ranch, letting Reggie sing his song multiple times in different locations. You even film a couple of nature shots to edit in later. This is just going to be the greatest music video you’ve ever made, and it’s all thanks to Reggie. Your Sunday is spent behind your laptop, editing Reggie’s footage until it’s turned into a somewhat coherent video. “Hey!” Reggie poofs into your room late that night. “Where’ve you been? You missed movie night!” he asks, worry laced in his voice. You don’t even take your eyes off your screen. It’s almost finished just a few more… Yes! “I just finished editing your video! Wanna see?” He nods his head excitedly, so you make some room for him on the chair you’re sitting on. He seems hesitant at first, but eventually sits down on the very edge. Your entire side that’s touching his tingles. It’s always been a weird feeling to touch him, but this is from an entirely new calibre. You rewind the video and press play. There’s a shot of the surrounding nature at first and some horses galloping in the distance whilst the strumming of his guitar floats out of the laptop. Then the camera pans to Reggie on the picnic bench with his guitar. “Home, what is it really? Sometimes it’s a someone and not a place, It’s that feeling of being safe, It’s about who you’re with at the end of the day… and for me” The picture changes to Reggie looking out into the meadows, watching the horses frolic around in the grass with a couple of shots of him playing his guitar as he’s walking along with the horses. “Home is where my horse is! Riding through trees by the river Feel the summer breeze smile gettin’ bigger Home is where my horse is Don’t need a house or a roof I just put on the saddle, lace up my boots  Cuz home is where my horse is” In the next few shots, you’re even in it. Reggie had grabbed your camera and placed it on the grass before grabbing your hand and pulling you out into the meadow with him to dance. It probably looked most ridiculous to any bystanders, but the footage is too pretty not to use. You can just about see two silhouettes dancing around over the grass with a flare of sunlight breaking in and giving it a magical flair. “I don’t need the streets Don’t need the city lights I don’t need a fancy car I just hop on my horse and ride” You’d filmed a couple of the riders too, since Reggie himself couldn’t really ride a horse seeing he’s a ghost and everything. But it made for some good footage to set the scene of the song properly. “Home is where my horse is! Riding through trees by the river Feel the summer breeze smile gettin’ bigger Home is where my horse is I see the beautiful beast running up to me And I know I’m home” The song ends and the screen fades to black, Reggie vanishing as he looks out into the meadow again. You look up at real-life ghost Reggie with expectant eyes. He’s just staring at the black screen for a moment, mouth ajar and eyes wide. “Woah!” he finally mutters. “That was amazing, Y/N! Show me that again!” he exclaims excitedly. Of course you oblige and show him again. This time, he points out everything he loved. “This is my favorite part!” he says, pointing at the screen as the two of you are shown dancing. You can’t help but smile at how excited he gets over this collaboration. “So, can I upload it?” you ask when the screen fades again. “What?! Of course! Put it on the Tube-thing!” he claps his hands excitedly and watches as you open the site and start the upload on the Julie and The Phantoms channel. You had edited their Edge of Great video when Ray asked your father to help him film, so you pretty much had the right to do this, even if Julie might say otherwise. “There we go! It’s set to upload in about five minutes!” you say and turn to Reggie, almost forgetting how close he’s sitting until he’s literally mere inches away. You can actually feel his hot breath tickling your lips. A wave of warmth rushes through you when you catch his eyes darting from your lips to your eyes and back again. “You’re really talented, you know that?” You simply hum in response to this compliment, not that you agree with him, but you don’t know what else to do. You’re completely frozen in place. His eyes are so pretty up close. They’re the most beautiful shade of green you have ever seen, especially with that twinkle in them. “Can I kiss you?” his soft voice makes you snap out of your thoughts about those dreamy eyes.     “Wh--what?” you stutter, hoping you did hear that right, but not wanting to assume. “C-can I kiss you?” he repeats, his voice just above a whisper. 

“Yeah.” Your voice wavers ever so slightly. Reggie’s eyes flutter close as he leans in to press his lips to yours. There’ve been times you dreamed about doing this, but you never thought you’d actually be able to kiss him. The ability to touch him was a surprise and a miracle, you didn’t think this would be possible too. A bleep coming from your computer causes you to pull away abruptly. You just about catch the smile on Reggie’s face before you turn to the screen, madly blushing yourself. “It’s ready to go!” you state excitedly and start typing up a description for the video. “What are you doing?” he asks, peering over your shoulder. “Typing up a little description for the fans, or whoever watches,” you reply as your fingers stilt for a second to think about what else to write. “Home is Where My Horse is, a Reggie original. Written and performed by your favorite bassist, Reggie Peters. Filmed and edited by Y/N Y/L/N. Special thanks to Hold Your Reins Ranch.” He reads the little text aloud. “Nice,” he nods his head, impressed by your abilities with this foreign platform. “And we’re live!” you inform him as you have pressed the post button. “Thanks, Y/N,” he says with a soft smile, making you look at him again. “I’m just gonna kiss you again, is that okay?” You nod your head before closing the distance between the two of you and kissing him again. This is not what you’d expected to come from this project, but you’re glad it had. This feels right. That night, you send Julie a message with the link to the video. “Give the boy a chance. This is an actual bop!” you sent along with it. You’re a little scared you might’ve overstepped and shouldn’t have suggested making this video for Reggie and you definitely shouldn’t have posted it to the Julie and The Phantoms YouTube channel. It probably wasn’t your place to mingle into a band conflict, but you couldn’t handle seeing Reggie so upset. 

“Get ur talented ass to the studio. NOW,” Julie’s text reads. It sounds a little passive-aggressive, but you still obey and hop into some pants and shoes before heading down the other end of the street where the Molina house stands. “‘Sup, kids?” you say when you find the boys and Julie on the couch, throwing up a peace sign. The bubbliness might camouflage the nerves building up inside you. “Care to explain yourself, miss Y/L/N?” Julie starts with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face. You glance over at Reggie. He’s glancing down at the rings around his fingers. “I’m sorry, Jules. But I really think you ought to give this boy and his horse a chance!” you aggressively point at the boy in question, whose head snaps up at this. Now he’s looking at you with a scared, yet tendered expression on his face.    “I was joking, babes,” Julie mutters, holding her hands up in defense. “We didn’t think you’d react this defensive over this…” Your eyebrows knit together as confusion takes over you. “Wh-what do you mean?” you question. “Your video has been viewed over a thousand times already and it’s only been up for about two hours, Y/N,” Julie explains and turns her laptop for you to see the view count at 1,327. Your breath hitches in your throat at the large number. That’s how many people have seen your work? I mean, you would’ve watched it that many times in a row yourself because that song is actually amazing. These people are stupid for not giving it a chance earlier. “Woah, Reg! That’s a lot of people hearing your song!” you exclaim excitedly. The boy gets up from the couch and walks over to you with a proud smile on his face. “Actually….” he starts and scrolls down on the laptop. You taught him how to do that. “They’re loving your camerawork and editing!” He shows you all the comments underneath the video. The reactions are divided evenly between praise for the song and praise for your work. “Wha--” your eyes dart from Reggie to Alex, then to Luke and Julie. “We had a band meeting and we want you to become our band’s official videographer,” Alex announces with that soft smile of his plastered on his lips. Your mouth drops in disbelief. You’ve always loved videography and editing, but you always saw it as something fun, not as an official band thing. After months of sitting in rehearsals and watching gigs, you’re finally going to be part of the band. Or close enough to being a part of the band. “What do you say, babe?” Reggie asks when you’ve been quiet for a good minute. Luke and Alex exchange glances at the sudden use of pet names. That’s new. “I mean, it could be cool?” you shrug humbly. The band cheers, Alex and Luke even high five. Before you can even go over to hug Julie, Reggie’s already cupped your face and crashes his lips to yours. You’ll never get used to that feeling. “That’s new,” you hear Alex say when the two of you pull away. You need a good second to cool it after that passionate kiss, but once you do, you beckon the others over for a group hug. “Thank you, guys,” you whisper and press a kiss to Julie’s hair as a thank you. From that day on, you’re not only known as the Julie and The Phantoms videographer, but also as the cute bassist’s girlfriend. To say your life has drastically changed since meeting these boys would be the understatement of the year.

Taglist: @hannahhistorian92​ @marinettepotterandplagg​ @thequirkybookaholic​ @bookdealer5​ @tenaciousperfectionunknown​ @hemmingsness​ @iainttakingshitfromnobody​ @ifilwtmfc​ @angryknightstatesmantrash​ @kiss-themoongoodbye​ @rudysbay​ @thedarkqueenofavalon​​ @caitsymichelle13​​ @calamitykaty​ @wiselight​ @kcd15​​

[confusedlamp]

Mental Health Strategies

I have dealt with various mental health BS (anxiety, depression, ADHD), and while I haven't gotten it all figured out, I have been dealing with it for well over a decade now. I figured I would make a list of coping mechanisms that have helped me and are worth trying out if you haven't already. None of these things are “magic” (just try this and your brain will be all fixed!),  and obviously not applicable in all situations. I mostly learned these via therapy or from other people struggling with mental illness. This also may or may not be to help me have a list of things written down for when I forget. 

Putting this below a keep reading thing because this got long FAST: 

For depression funks:

-Find a small task you can complete. Wash a dish, throw clothes in the hamper, take out the trash, etc. Something small.

-Take a shower. And try changing clothes. Even if it's in to some pajamas. If you aren't up to showering, try washing your face and maybe wiping down with a wipe. But a change of clothes will still feel better.

-Eat something. Doesn't have to be "healthy." Some food, no matter what it is, is better than no food.

-Can you get outside? Doesn't have to be to excercise. Just sitting on the front steps for a few minutes in the sun.

-Doing something to take care of yourself. Can you brush your teeth? Have a glass of water? Brush your hair? Just pick one thing and so it.

-Plan something. See if you can get a friend to meet you to hang out (or zoom) or maybe for dinner. For yourself, maybe find a movie to go see (post pandemic). Preferably find something that has a set time.

For panics:

- Square breathing. Breathe in for 5, hold for 5, breath out for 5, hold for 5. Repeat.

-There are a ton of meditations on youtube. Search "5 minute meditation" and you'll find a ton of videos.

-After the initial panic is over try calling a friend. If you can't for some reason (sometimes it's 3 am or your friend isn't available), try finding some cat videos on youtube. I highly recommend Cole and Marmalade. Something light that will get your brain on something else.

For Executive Dysfunction:

-Remove steps to putting things away. For awhile in school, I would have a mess of papers that weren't organized or put away because I was trying to use a binder. As silly as it sounds, having to neatly align paper holes or got find a place to punch those holes, would prevent me from putting things away. So I switched to folders. Suddenly I stopped losing things and my papers were organized.

-Bullet journaling. Or rather, I just have a little notebook where I put all my to do lists, grocery lists, project planning, brainstorming, etc. I don't properly Bullet Journal (TM) but I keep all my lists in one spot and it helps.

-To do lists in general. Writing out steps to get something done. Cross things out when you finish them. You get a better sense of accomplishment.

-When executive dysfunction is preventing you from getting out of bed, break it down. Step one, sit up. Step 2, swing legs over side. Step 3 stand up.

-Same with any task. If it seems too overwhelming or you just can't bring yourself to do it, it might be because you are looking at all the steps and feeling it's too much. So just think about the first one.

-Alarms and reminders. I put everything on a calendar in my phone. Google Calendar allows you to set a reminder for events days, weeks, hours, and minutes ahead. You can also set alarms for things like "I know I need to leave at 3 for the appointment, so I am going to set an alarm for 2:45 to start getting ready." Do not rely on yourself to look at the clock. YOU WILL NOT LOOK AT THE CLOCK IN TIME.

-Set the dang alarm clock across the room. That way, you gotta get out of bed to turn it off. Once out of bed, go take any meds, or if you don’t have meds, go do a small morning task. Usually doing this small task is enough to get me awake enough to not get back into bed. If I do, well, at least I have taken my meds. 

Sensory Issues:

- Fitted sweat pants and hiking pants. I can’t stand tight clothing, but I want to look presentable. Sweatpants that taper can still look decent. Travel pants or hiking pants (you can find these at places like REI), basically look like slacks but are made out of stretchy material. They also usually are made out of quick dry material which is nice. 

-Fidget and sensory toys. I really like hedgehog rings which have these little spikes on them I can run my thumb over. Also the tangle. I have a tangle that has a rubber coating that has little bumps on it. What you end up liking might differ, but those are two of my favorite. Also, if anyone gives you shit about these, you can explain “it’s sorta like a stress ball, but instead you [whatever you do with this fidget toy].” 

-Ear plugs. I wear these a lot because I have particular issues with sounds, especially certain ones. I prefer either silicone gummy ones or I like these that are “slim” because they don’t make my ears hurt. You can also get musician ear plugs that are made for musicians to protect their hearing, but still be able to hear tones and what is going on, for when sound is simply too load (also good for concerts). 

For General ADHD things: 

-Work somewhere different. This is a bit limited due to the pandemic currently, but just working at the kitchen table instead of your bedroom can help. In college, I used to go to the library to work. Just the idea that I was going to someplace specific to do a specific task, helped me actually get started. 

-Promise yourself that you will work for 10 minutes. Set an alarm if needed. Usually just starting will make the task seem less intimidating. If 10 minutes is too much, do 5. 

-Cardio. Get your self moving. This is good for a lot of things, but I highly recommend it for before you have to sit down to work on a task, like school work. I personally run, but if that’s not your thing dance, a class, walking, biking, etc. Just whatever you like. 

-Time dependent things are good to get yourself going. Again, this is limited by the pandemic, but for normal times, can you meet a friend for breakfast? Can you schedule your appointment so you have to get to it before you start work? When I was in college, I used to go to morning gym classes before my first class of the day. This got me up and if I was 5 minutes late, it was better to do that for a gym class than a physics class. Bonus because it was exercise and I could focus better on the class. 

-In classes, try to find a notes buddy or study group. That way, if you zoned out a moment, you can ask them for the notes from that section and vice versa. Also, meeting up with them is a great way to have a set time to study. 

For General Anxiety/ Depression: 

-This is going to sound cheesy as fuck, but: Make a list for what you are good at. Things you like about yourself. Things you have accomplished. They don’t have to be super deep, but can be. Do you like your nose? Can you paint your nails well? Are you good at understanding your cat? Are you good at writing? Drawing? Did you overcome a bad test and still manage to pass a class?  If you have a friend or significant other that you are comfortable with, ask them to help maybe. Keep this list for when you feel like shit. 

-Yoga. I’m sorry to put this on here because it seems like the most neurotypical advice, but. I honestly love this shit. If you haven’t given it a shot, there’s a reason why people like it. You don’t have to belong to a gym to try it. I highly recommend Yoga with Adrienne. She has some great beginner videos. 

-Take breaks from social media and news as needed. Seriously. You are a single person and can’t fix everything. Do what you can (share the information, make a donation, join in mutual aid efforts, etc.) but doom scrolling and obsessing won’t help anyone. If you won’t do it for yourself, consider that burning yourself out will make you unable to help later on. 

-Create things. They don’t have to be amazing. Crocheting, knitting, drawing, writing, etc. Having something that you can look at and be like “I made that” is really satisfying. Youtube has some great tutorials for pretty much anything. For drawing, I really like Proko. He has some great videos on drawing faces. But again: IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE GOOD. 

General Resources/ Advice:

-If you are currently in college, most campuses will have groups for counseling and even limited one on one sessions. Usually, these counseling groups are free and the one on one sessions can help you find a counselor nearby. 

-How to ADHD. Seriously I love this youtube channel. She goes over how ADHD affects the brain and has seriously helped me understand it better. 

-The Trevor Project. For LGBTQ teens and youth. They have a hotline and many other resources.  

-If what is stopping you from getting therapy is the idea that you are being dramatic/ are not that bad/ others have it worse: Go get therapy. What are we going to do, find the one person who has it the worst off than anyone and only they are allowed to feel bad and get help? Screw that. Get some help. 

-Remember that there are good things in your future. Where ever you are in life, you have something positive in your future, even if you don’t know it yet. One day, there will be a moment when you look back on the dark times and be so glad you didn’t give up. 

-Obligatory: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  (1-800-273-8255). This is national suicide prevention lifeline, for the US. They can help. 

-https://www.crisistextline.org/ For when you don’t like phone calls, try texting instead. Has US, Canada, UK, and Ireland numbers. 

[crushing-on-nico-di-angelo]

Seven Nights in Cabin Thirteen

I’m inspired by another post I saw here that I didn’t wish to hijack lol, and OP deactivated or else I’d link their account here. credits to @the-ghost-king for the idea of a demigod therapy/Will being a past drug addict on this post. Yes this is a bad fic. It’s also my first fic ever. Please criticize if you see anything

Will never thought that he would ever appreciate his first monster attack. He was seven years old, and in hindsight his teacher probably only worked there to prey on young demigods (at least, that’s why he suspects the attack happened so early in his life compared to other demigods). But when Lee Fletcher sat him down 4 years later and told him that he was trans and would now be known as Lee instead of his birth name, Will knew that everything happened for a reason.

After many conversations with Lee about how he knew (gods bless that man’s patience) and with an older Athena camper who’s special interest dealt in psychology, Will realized the reason that he always felt disconnected from his mom and sisters in Austin was because he was like Lee. He was a boy.

Telling people wasn’t easy. Of course his older brother had to know; he was the one who introduced Will to this concept. Telling the rest of camp was as easy as telling Chiron, who told Dionysus, who always threatened to turn anyone into a dolphin if they talked shit about any trans kid. Telling his mom... that had to be the hardest part. How was he supposed to tell them? The only similarities they all had were that they were all musically inclined and that they were all girls.

Apparently, Will forgot that Naomi Solace was a musician. The music industry has more queers than an all girl’s school GSA. Her only questions were “Alright, what’s your name then, kiddo?” and “When do you want to set up an appointment with a therapist?” As for his siblings, well, let’s just say the oldest, Frankie, always knew. And it didn’t take long for seven-year-old Mickey to cut her doll-that-somehow-looked-exactly-like-Will’s hair and change his notes from high to low when she accompanied his singing on violin, as part of voice training.

Four years has passed since then and Will can hardly believe it. He’s stealth back at Austin because it’s just easier that way, but since a quarter of the camp knew him since he was seven, he figured there was no point; it isn’t like anyone treated him as though he wasn’t a man-- er, boy-- at camp anyways. So, life went on. He got his period for the first time during the Battle of Manhattan, that was no fun, but luckily Thalia was cool about it and made sure not to tell anyone. He started binding shortly afterwards, got a couple bruises hear and there. Kayla yelled at him for a week for that one, he remembers fondly. Discovered why it’s better to take off your contacts in the shower... that day isn’t such a fond memory. That was the first and last time he ever made himself bleed. Although, he will say that’s what sparked his interest in medicine and what made him the best doctor Camp Half Blood had seen in decades at the mere age of 15 years old. Life at camp was good, if a bit dull. He got used to the routine and the constant influx of damaged campers, the siblings and friends, and the always-perfect Texas Barbecue and Coke.

That is, until the War Between the Camps happened. Lou Ellen woke Will up before sundown that day and told him their plan. They were to hide in the tall grasses and wait for Camp Jupiter to show their ugly faces. Cecil had the genius idea to paint their faces and arms black so they’d blend into the night better, and Will supposes in the hubub of everything they forgot that his hair nearly (”nearly”) glows, even at night. Until Mr. Nico “I’m so smart, I nearly killed myself shadow travelling” di Angelo pointed it out. Whatever, it made sense at the time. They won the war against Gaea, not without sacrifice, and they finally, finally got past all the wars and destruction and health issues that they were able to just hang out and get to know each other as friends.

And boy, was their friendship amazing. Nico had the best taste in music from Will’s eyes, and that’s saying something because Will is a music snob. Nico could be a little stubborn at times, but that’s alright because so was Will (”Gods damn it, Nico, if you don’t take your medication right this second I will-” “You’ll what? Hm? You’ll force it down my throat? Last I checked that was abuse.”). They fit together so perfectly and became fast friends.

It wasn’t always sunshine and lollipops, though. What is, for a demigod? Will relapsed once and passed out right in front of Nico’s cabin. He was crashing from an exciting high that he hadn’t experienced in so long, and he felt so tired and ashamed of himself. Methamphetamine was a goddamned bitch, so while he was coming out of withdrawals, he made Nico promise not to let him leave the cabin for a week were simmering down. He had to make sure something like this never happened again. They Iris Messaged  Chiron and explained the situation, and he understood. He made sure to contact the older son of Dionysus who had been Will’s therapist in the past and said what had happened and they agreed on a session for soon after Will got mostly over his cravings.

So now they had a week of downtime together. Awesome.

“Solace, do you need anything? Are you okay?” Nico asked towards the end of the first full day that withdrawals were over.

“I’m-- fuck. I’m fine. I swear.” He responded unconvincingly.

“That’s not what you said last night... no offense, but I’m not fully inclined to believe you when you look like shit.”

“It- It... it’s not something I’d like to talk about, if that’s alright. And... don’t tell Clarisse, please.”

“I’m not going to tell anyone, don’t worry. But I would like to know if this is going to be a common occ--” Before he could even finish asking, Will was already shaking his head and responding.

“One-time thing only, I promise. Gods, I’m sorry I showed up here at all.”

“Woah, buddy. That’s not what I was saying at all. You’re my best friend, I’m glad you came here.” Will almost couldn’t believe what Nico was saying. Then again, did Nico have very many friends? Nico himself certainly didn’t seem to think so. “In any case, you don’t have to explain what happened, or what led up to this, or anything like that. I don't need to know. What I do need you to do, however, is take a shower. I’m sorry to say so, but you smell like ass.”

“Yeah well, I’m…” He couldn’t finish his sentence. How do you explain to someone that he still wanted his drugs, and he didn’t want to leave the cabin because he knew he would leave to go find some before he would even think about going to his own cabin at this point.

“You don’t have to leave,” Nico said, perhaps sensing his agitation. “I have a shower in the cabin.”

“What the fuck do you mean you have a shower in the cabin?” The shock of this knowledge get him out of his stuck mind. “How did you get plumbing in here? How did Chiron allow this?”

“I helped design my cabin, and while I may not have all the experience in architecture that Annabeth does, I do know a thing or two. I did meet with Isambard Kingdom Brunel, you know.”

“I did not know. You- Who is Isambard Kingdom Brunel?” Will asked

“Oh, some civil engineer who is like a million years old.” Will scoffed at that.

“You’re one to talk,” he teased. He was never going to let go of the fact that Nico was technically like 80 years old.

“Oh hush, William.” William… never Will, like most people. William… like he was something special, something that deserved three syllables. “Anyways, like I was saying: take a shower. You look like you were up mowing all of camp with a flashlight.”

Knowing Will’s reaction to drugs, that wasn’t unlikely. He stood up. “Lead the way? I’ve never been around your cabin before.”

Nico’s cabin was unlike any others. Using some sort of Doctor Who-like technology, there was a living room, a kitchen, and one room. Surprisingly, the walls were all light or pastel, a stark contrast from Nico’s general (and unintentional) punk-rock appearance. However, the furniture was all a deep black. Nico led him to his room, a minimalistic one with a bed, a desk, and a lamp. Will wondered where all the personalization was, but made no comment.

“Here’s the shower,” Nico pointed to yet another room in this somehow huge cabin. “If you see something amiss or odd… ignore it.” Will didn’t want to think of the implications of that sentence.

He stepped in the shower and oh my gods, watching the dirt and grime wash off him after his 8 hour high-- which he did not want to think about (and not just because the author doesn’t want to taint his search history), it was too embarrassing-- was a wonderful feeling. He was still tired. He didn’t know why, it didn’t used to be this hard. However, he was pretty sure that he tried to clean the entire outside of the hypnos cabin before going over to the Hades cabin to do the same. This was the first and last time Will would ever thank the gods for Nico’s poor sleeping patterns, he had heard him outside and came to get him before he tired himself out more.

He nearly passed out in the shower again but managed to make it out. He looked around the well-stocked bathroom and realized something that he probably should have bothered to notice before: he didn’t have any clothes with him. Fuck. He wrapped a (black) towel around his chest because he didn’t think his body could take anymore binding and prayed to Dionysus that Nico didn’t notice that his chest wasn’t exactly male.

Luckily, the first thing Nico did say was “Is that a tattoo?”

Will looked down at his sun. “Yeah, it is,” he smiled. He remembered the night he did it, it was kind of hard. He ordered a tattoo gun off amazon and had Frankie do it for him shortly after the Battle of Manhattan. Some people might think it’s in honor of his dad, which is fine. It was really for Lee Fletcher, though. His mom totally freaked, for a really long time, but after his C-PTSD diagnoses she realized that whatever works for him works as long as it isn’t drugs or self harm. He knows she wants a future for him that doesn’t involve music, and that’s why she freaked. She thought it would ruin his chances. But it’s right on his shoulder, only visible in tank tops or no shirt.

"It… its to honor the man who taught me I could be myself." Will said after a small pause.

"That's a very lovely sentiment. If he made that much of an impact on you, he must be a very cool person."

"He was." Will knew that Nico heard the was by the way that Nico nodded solemnly. "I uh… I don't wish to be more of a bother, but do you mind if I go to bed now? That shower really helped."

"Yeah, of course. I can take the couch, you know where my bed is-"

"No, absolutely not." Nico sighed softly, as though he expected this. "I can sleep on the couch, in Austin I actually prefer it to my bed."

"That's-- no offense William, but that's weird."

"It feels less lonely to me," Will protested, then let out a huge yawn.

"Alright cowboy-" Will smiled at Nico's nickname for him "-get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

"Nighty night, Neeks. Love you." he didn't miss the small smile on Nico's face before he walked away. Will has always been very loose with his 'I love you's like that. He figured it's better to say it too much than not enough.

He had found his old stash the night before, the one that Clovis had helped him forget about. He couldn't stop himself from thinking about last nights events. At the time,he told himself that he shouldn't do anything with it, and put it out of his mind for about a week, but eventually his urge to smoke overcame his self-control. He went on a rampage of cleaning and was absolutely certain he looked like a madman. The worst part is, he didn't even know why he did it. It was as though his rehabilitation hadn't even happened, as though this was something that was as natural as getting a cup of coffee in the morning. He was so mad at himself, so embarrassed.

These thoughts occupied his mind until he fell asleep about an hour after his last words to Nico. He slept with no dreams, for the first time in about a month.  

word count: 2,245

[peachiikawa]

Caged Bird | Prince!Oikawa Tooru x Reader

a/n: if you know anything about fairytales then you might realize that the reader has the flute of the pied piper, though modified for the story. been watching a lot of once upon a time and got the idea from the neverland arc. hope you enjoy!

word count: 1.9k

genre: fantasy, romance

trigger warnings: reader gets hurt a bit but nothing graphic

summary: oikawa has always lived a lonesome life in the cage that is his castle. one day he sneaks out and a beautiful melody leads him to you, a traveling musician. oikawa is about to find out that his luck is going to change for the better.

oikawa gazed out over the town from his balcony

he let out a long sigh as he grew bored from his studies

“why the long face trashykawa?”

his bestfriend and knight walked up next to him and leaned against the railing

“oh you know, just bored of being in this castle. theres a whole town of people out there and im stuck in here. gets tiring after a while”

iwaizumi listened to his friend and nodded along to what he was saying

“then sneak out for a day”

oikawas eyes widened

“youd help me sneak out?”

“only if you come back by sundown”

so oikawa grabbed his cloak and thanks to iwas help got out of the castle

despite being born and raised in this town oikawa had no idea where he was

and after about ten minutes he was completely and utterly lost

until he heard the faint sound of a flute

he followed the sound until he ended up in the mostly cleared out town square where he saw you playing a small wooden flute for those who were present, though you had no audience

everyone walked past you as if you were invisible like you werent playing such a beautiful song

he approached you slowly and listened until you finished your performance

“that was really good”

you looked up at him and smiled

“always a pleasure to play for those who need it”

the bright smile on your face felt warm and inviting

like he was meant to be here

“would you like to take a seat next to me?”

you gestured to the spot next to you and he gladly took it

“so...whats your story”

hes hesitant to answer your question

“ill tell you mine if you tell me yours”

you set your flute down in your bag next to you

“well first of all my names y/n and my life is nothing too interesting. im a traveling performer and play my flute as a way to pass time and help those who need it. always come across the most interesting people this way”

traveling. thats something oikawa could only dream of

“so cmon now tell me about you”

he peaked at you through his hood

“ok but dont make a big commotion..im oikawa tooru”

you laughed a bit

“thats funny you share the same name as the prince”

you stopped laughing when you saw the serious look in his eyes

“oh..oh! im so sorry for being so rude!”

you started to scramble around when he grabbed your wrists to stop your movements

“shh yes im the prince but stop flailing people are starting to look”

once you had calmed down he went on

“ive been confined to my castle my whole life and stuck to certain rules i have to follow. it seems like even if i catch a break something else comes along. i have to stay this perfect image because im the prince and it just gets so lonely. its as if im a bird trapped in a cage and theres no way out”

ah so there it is

the reason he could hear your flute

you picked a flower that was growing next to you and placed it in his hair as you spoke

“im sorry your lifes been like that but oikawa, if i may be so bold, even a caged bird will become wise enough to break free. the dream of flying is too great to resist”

Once you had properly placed the flower you smiled at him before standing up from your spot and grabbing your bag

you then held your hand out to him

but he couldnt gather his thoughts

you were so bright it was almost blinding

“now cmon! lets go have some fun!”

he looked at the hand held out to him

and with a leap of faith, he took it

he was going to get out of this cage, this perpetual cycle

and finally add some meaning to his life

day after day you two spent your time together

oikawas days that were once filled with hollow words and empty actions were now filled with happiness

filled with you

and everyday slowly but surely he was falling for you

passing glances turned into prolonged gazes

his heart could no longer stay still around you

you became the key to his happiness

but for now...he had to be content with just being next to you

it would be too selfish otherwise

to ask you to stay with him here in the kingdom...he could never trap you like that

“so what are we doing today y/n?”

you were strolling through the town on a quiet sunday afternoon like you had the last few sundays

“how about we go to the bakery? theyre usually busy but since its sunday i bet its not as packed and then i want to take you somewhere”

he was curious as to what you had in store but decided against asking questions

so you two got some baked goods and headed out towards the woods

“cmon we’re almost there”

you pushed some branches and shrubs out of the way

and one eventually hit him in the face

“watch it y/n! i keep getting wacked by you”

you just chuckled a bit which oikawa had found adorable in itself

it made his heart slow just hearing it

“just come on!”

eventually you two made it to a clearing over a beautiful lake

he didnt know that there was something like this so close by

he was absolutely amazed by it

“take a seat oikawa! we can rest and eat here!”

this moment was just too perfect to him

with you here he felt as if nothing bad could happen

that if he only could see your smile everything would be alright

being content with just being at your side...was no longer and option

he knew that if he wanted this he needed to take his chance

“y/n”

your eyes were full of life and he couldnt help but feel so happy next to you

and before he knew it he was closing the gap between the two of you with a hand gently cradling your cheek

but right before you two could kiss you were ripped away from him

“dont you dare touch the prince commoner!”

oikawa frantically looked around as many of his guards came out of the brush

“get your hands off of them!”

you were pressed to the ground and the sight almost broke his heart

“sorry your highness but we’re under strict orders to bring you back and throw whoever was seducing you to leave the castle into the dungeon”

the guard that had been on you lifted you up like you were a sack and bound you by rope

you gave oikawa a final smile before you were taken away even though you were so banged up that it made him want to puke

he was speechless

this is what he was talking about

being so controlled and monitored made him feel so small and helpless

and he absolutely abhorred it

“your highness your mother is waiting for you in the throne room”

oikawa was beyond upset

this isnt how he wants to live

“mother how could you throw the only good thing in my life away!”

his mother sneered at his words

“only good thing? what need to you have for that filthy peasant! and how dare you cast me aside as if i hadnt given you everything you own, everything you are is because of me! i will not allow for any of this nonsense! now go wash up. and dont you dare ever leave the castle again and i forbid you from seeing that nasty peasant again. wasting your time with such a person...”

he gritted his teeth and was about turn to leave

his emotions were running too high

he wasnt himself and he knew it

but even so...he wont allow it to end like this

he was going to end it on his terms

“no”

“what did you say?”

he stood his ground

“i said no mother. im going to live the way i want and with who i want. ill gladly give up my title because frankly, i never wanted it in the first place. and dont you ever call y/n filthy or nasty again. their so incredibly kind and full of joy and laughter. i can only hope to be like that one day. so ive decided that im leaving. with y/n.”

as soon as the doors shut behind him he let out the breath he didnt even know he was holding

but it also felt as if there was a giant weight off of him now

“im coming y/n dont you worry”

it had been a couple hours since you were brought to your cell

you didnt have any major injuries, just a few cuts and scratches from when you were body slammed to the ground

“do you mind if i play?”

you pulled out your flute and the guard nodded

“thank you!”

you started playing and filled the cell you were in with a relaxing tune

“why do you play if it doesnt make noise?”

you stopped and looked at the spiky haired man who stood outside your cell

“it takes a certain person to appreciate its music”

he just looked at you as if you were crazy

but you continued anyways

until you heard frantic running coming from down the hall

“iwa you gotta let them out”

oikawa was panting trying to catch his breath

“dude no offense but your mom would kill me and you if i just let them out”

oikawa grabbed the key from iwaizumis waist before he even realized what had happened

“dont worry about it iwa. and dont worry about me. today i start my new life. it was good knowing you buddy”

they gripped hands the way they always had. A solemn but knowing look was shared between them

“if i had known me letting you leave the castle one time would lead to this...i would have done it a lot sooner. good luck out there bud”

oikawa quickly turned to you and helped you off of the ground

“you ready to run?”

he cupped your cheek and ran his thumb over one of the small cuts

hed be sure to treat that later

you nodded and leaned into his hand

“are you sure this is what you want?”

you were happy to leave with him

its more than you could ever ask for

“y/n youre the only person thats made me feel free. and by doing this i will be.”

you two finally got to share the kiss you had been deprived of and not only was it full of love but also full of hope for your future

“then lets go”

and you two sprinted off to your next adventure together

the flute you possessed was one he could no longer hear the sound of after that day

for it was enchanted, only to be be heard by those who were lost and lonely

with you he was neither anymore

and he couldnt be any happier than living out the rest of his days with you as a free man, a bird outside of its cage