#bucky vs depression

[therealslimshakespeare]

i was thinking about what late night talks with bucky would be like (call me crazy), and it got me thinking:

other than dying (though arguably some are not afraid of dying), what do you think some of the mota men’s greatest fears are? i could write a hundred essays on each of them, they all are so different!

Gosh, this is an incredible ask and it got me thinkin. Too hard, probably. And while I didn’t summarize thoughts for everyone I did think of them for Bucky.

So much so I wrote a little blurb on it. Sorry Nonnie if you’re not even into this universe, I totally get it but I found fic to be a more enlightening method for exploring this. I wanna hear those thoughts of yours! Send them, I beg!

Greatest Fear

They got a bit existential as the weeks went on and their nights got more conscious. Ida and Bucky’s minds grew restless in the cold now that their bodies were healing. Huddled in their bunk they had debated baseball vs football endlessly, and argued regarding the accuracy of each other’s training anecdotes, the morality of mobsters and who was the better boxer: Braddock or Baer.

They’d ended up talking of the war, and both being sick of the dead end that the question of the future brought, they circled back around more concrete -if troublesome- thoughts. Most hairy landings, worst sounds either heard from their crew over the radio and what flashed across their minds when they had to finally press that abandon ship control.

And finally, Bucky ended up asking her what her worst fear was. And when Ida didn’t have it readily to hand -too used to suppressing any such thoughts even to her own self- he clarified: “Besides dying, I mean. If you’re even scared of that. Knowin’ you, maybe you aren’t.”

“I’d rather not.” she admitted.

“So? So what gets you scared?”

“This your way of fishing for another ghost story?” Ida teased.

“No. Just feels like sometimes you gotta remind yourself what it’s all about. Scared of dyin’ means you like livin’ enough to rather not stop. That sorta thing.”

“You’re saying love for one thing drives fear for another.” She summarized.

“Dunno. Just mullin’ it over.”

“I’d go through anything not to lose John.” she conceded, “Funny enough I’m positive he feels the same, so what a snarl.”

“I know he does.”

“Yeah.”

“If they put a gun to Buck’s head I’d tell ‘em Roosevelt's address and his favorite drink order, too.” Bucky expounded, tongue loosened by her tiny admission of frailty. “And he’d hate me for it.”

“All different kinds of loves out there.” Ida murmured consolingly, thinking hard on how her brother had been in a rage at her condition when he first saw her, and yet one of his first questions was whether she’d given anything up. Her Johnny knew she couldn’t live with herself if she had and he wouldn't've wanted her to. And nothing about that struck her as cold. Just as Bucky’s dangerous devotion to Gale didn’t strike her as weak. Just different.

“I saw a train.” Bucky began a thought but his voice died out with such finality Ida wondered if he’d ever pick the subject up again. But after a long moment he did, with some far away quality present in his voice that she’d never heard before, “On the way here. We were on one set of tracks and it was comin’ up the other.”

Ida had memories of trains, a lot of them. Going south all alone, first trip down to the uncle and aunts during the worst year of the depression. Old enough to know her own folks couldn’t support her, old enough to question how a ticket could be arranged but not supper. There had been trains that took her to training in Texas, then on to Iowa and Nebraska. Trains that took her deeper into Germany. One entire train car just for herself and too many German soldiers. Then the train that took them away from Ravensbruck. Ida felt an unsettled anticipation around trains that the peaceful rightness of flight had never caused her.

When Bucky mentioned trains and didn’t go on, Ida folded her hand into his huge one and squeezed it tightly. “What about those trains, John?”

“Heard ‘em before we saw ‘em.” he clarified, nodding his head conversationally as he was want to do, like he was gaining momentum towards a hard saying. Ida braced herself, squeezed just a little harder. “Not the engines, the screams. Car after car, and nothin’ but arms and faces reachin’ out. Screaming.”

Bucky’s bruised eyes were fixed, downcast gaze somewhere in the vicinity of her throat, but Ida knew he was seeing something far away. “I think I saw where they take them.” she muttered before she even had time to weigh her contribution to this horrid tale.

His eyes focused again and he looked at her with silent inquiry. “They took us to a labor camp first. Before here. Apparently one of the nicer ones, they had intentions of treating us as civilians.” Ida had been preoccupied with her aching body and her sharp terror of failure while at Ravensbruck, but not so much as to not notice the haunting vestiges of humanity answering roll beside her. “I felt like I was in Hades, the cold hell. Where the living damned can peruse each special misery waiting for them when they die. Called it a labor camp but I don’t know how skeletons like that could produce anything. Last bits of human resilience used to put together some industry to keep their oppressors fed, equipped. What an end.”

“Scares me shitless.” Bucky replied vehemently, and Ida realized they’d gotten full circle in their talk, that he’d dragged more out of her than she ever intended. Somehow neither his statement of fear nor her own felt weak in the moment. “That folks could get so hard they could do that to each other -I don’t know what to do with that, Ida. How’s it get to that point. Why’ve you got Fritz and then you’ve got��that? Same country, same sauerkraut, same uniforms. Scares me shitless.”

MOTA taglist, I only have one so ignore if this is not the universe you signed up for:

@stylespresleyhearted

@ab4eva

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@piastrinho

[luna-rainbow]

do you think Bucky ever tried to kill himself?

Thanks for the ask Nonnie. Trigger warning for suicide discussion.

I once saw an interview excerpt of Sebastian saying — along the lines of — it’s the thought of Steve that stopped Bucky from killing himself in the 2 years he went on the run. My headcanon is pretty similar to his.

TL;DR - I think Bucky would have had frequent thoughts of suicide, but did not make an attempt, because he would have succeeded. I also think that even though Bucky did not attempt it, he nevertheless engaged in risky, self-sabotaging behaviours that could have killed him.

In real life, while suicide attempts are more frequent amongst women compared to men, deaths from suicide (ie successful attempts) are far higher amongst men than women. This is usually attributed to the fact that men frequently choose more lethal methods. Coupled with the fact that Bucky knows he’s a super soldier, and my view of his personality (efficient with his missions and ruthless towards himself), as well as the one canon mention of a male super soldier attempting suicide (Bruce “I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spat it back out”) I think he would’ve chosen a very deadly method if he made an attempt.

But I think what often happens with men (and women too) is that...sometimes people knowingly engage in behaviours that are unhealthy or highly unsafe. They might not intend to die, but they wouldn’t mind if it kills them. The social norms Steve and Bucky grew up with is that men are not allowed vulnerability and weakness. There was no word for PTSD in those days, nor was there a word for depression. You just kept getting more “melancholic” until it’s bad enough to be classified as “insane”. And when you take that into the eugenic context they grew up with, it is likely their attitude is to cop it on the chin for as long as it takes to avoid a mental health review or diagnosis. But…that means the sense of distress and self-loathing keep building up and need an outlet.

In real life, people sometimes turn to drugs and alcohol, often with full awareness the harm it’s doing to their bodies, and I am partial towards headcanons of Bucky engaging in highly risky behaviour in the immediate aftermath of escaping Hydra. This might be drugs and alcohol, or it could be taking on risky missions with minimal attempts at self-preservation. You could argue the same about Steve after Bucky’s death: Steve jumping across the fire because Bucky yelled at him vs Steve putting the plane in water despite Peggy pleading with him.

When TFATWS first introduced Bucky breaking the law and jeopardising his pardon to terrorise former Hydra agents, that felt real to me. He was self-sabotaging and self-destructive, and his snarl that “if he’s wrong about you then he’s wrong about me” means his identity is tied up with someone who wasn’t there anymore and he was never going to get the approval he needed again.

I think, the other thing to consider too, is Bucky having survived 70 years of Hydra torture suggests an incredible mental and physical resilience. We know he’s not hopelessly optimistic — in CATFA he’s the one trying to dissuade Steve from joining the war — but there must be…a certain kind of faith and relentless hope that keeps him going. The fact that he has had not one, but at least two (or three, if you count Endgame) villain origin character beats and still does his best to fight for the good side, suggests he has an indomitable love for people and the world despite how much hurt it caused him.

So I tend to think that while suicide may have frequently been on his mind, and he may have frequently engaged in highly risky or harmful behaviours, he hasn’t attempted to take his own life because there is something (whether that be Steve or some other thing) that keeps him going and keeps him believing there’s going to be a better tomorrow on the other side.

[steelbluehome]

Okay, maybe it is because this is a bit of sunshine in the depths of depression and anxiety that I have been drowning in since the election, but thos trailer makes me feel better about the Thunderbolts movie and Bucky's part in it.

I'm still worried about the things that worried me when I saw the first trailer. It will be Yelena's movie. That this whole idea of Bucky in congress needs a damn good explanation, as well as why he looks the way he does vs. the way he looked at the end of TFATWS.

But, I like that he saves the civilians from the oncoming car. I like the two lines he has. I like that he seems to be interacting with what seems to be the "main group".

So, I am looking forward to it.

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LBGTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 3, Wave 1, Poll 8

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included. 

Check out the other polls in this wave and prior here.

James ‘Bucky’ Barnes-Marvel

Qualifications:

Missing his arm and commonly headcanoned as gay

Propaganda:

He's Bucket Barnes

Korra-Avatar: The Legend of Korra

Qualifications:

Korra is not only bisexual, having dated both Asami Sato and Mako, but was and still is disabled by the end of the series. She doesn't magically get better from being poisoned, she's forced to relearn a lot of things: how to walk, how to do things for herself, and even how to fight properly. Her physical disabilities are mixed with extensive trauma and PTSD that prevents her from doing her job as the Avatar throughout Book 4: Balance.

Canonically bisexual, has PTSD, and spent a while partially paralyzed and using a wheelchair.

Bisexual badass who ended up going through about 5038309340 traumatizing events, one of which involved mercury poisoning that had her unable to walk for about a year and left her with lasting PTSD and depression (though again the depression is a little less clear wheras the PTSD was obviously intended to be read as such). There was also her shadow self, but it's unclear whether that was a form of psychosis or a literal spirit. In short, she's bi and has PTSD if you want to stick with the more long term, obviously canon bits.

Propaganda:

She's the Avatar, you gotta deal with it! But, seriously, Avatar Korra was the first onscreen LBGT+ character in the Avatar franchise alongside her girlfriend Asami Sato. While limited in what could be shown onscreen, the two were explictly portrayed as a couple in the 2016 Dark Horse comic "Legend of Korra: Turf Wars". Likewise, her disability never quite went away. She still struggled with trauma, PTSD, and learning how to do things for herself again for two to three years in the time between books 3 and 4 that were shown off in flashbacks during her solo episodes.

She's canonically bi and has PTSD, and disability was an incredibly important theme for her in her show's final season.

i dunno I think i covered all my bases in the qualifying bit but also its 3am and i dont feel like typing more

Anything Else?:

The creators of Korra, Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko, fought long and hard for their show, including taking a massive budget slash circa book 4 to avoid firing half their staff. Likewise, they took to Tumblr and other social media in 2014 to state firmly that Korra and Asami were both bisexual and in love. Here's a link: https://bryankonietzko.tumblr.com/post/105916338157/korrasami-is-canon-you-can-celebrate-it-embrace

The qualifications and propaganda paragraphs correspond, @foulfirerebel is the first submitter, they also did the ‘anything else?’ section.

[beyourownanchor6]

Our beloved hellsite runs on ducttape and chewed gum for real like a macgyver thing

I used to watch Smallville with my mom and I have sincr rewatched it a couple times. It's s bad it's camp.

Oh i used to love the cw superhero shows. I fell out around the time they did the heroes vs. Nazi dopplegangers crossover special, because seeing mt favorite heroes all decked in ss outfits was triggering to me as a Jew.

Yeah i totally get that.

Shooting star is the glee school shooting episode. It's the worst example of them butchering a serious issue but there were many (suicide, post partum depression, eating disorders...). Yeah exactly. It is an interesting documentary though. I found it curious how they barely dedicated any time to mark salling. Like usually a documentary like that would milk the scandal as much as it could, but they barely touched on it.

Lol exactly!! And thank you. Yeah me too i'm wearing them right now! They make me look like a bearded Velma. I like that.

Oh i look forward to rambling about the bike riders! Ooh my favorite marvel characters or ships... i like Spider-Man, the Scarlet Witch, Agatha, Bucky, Quicksilver, both Captain Americas, Captain Marvel, Ms. Marvel, Thor... as for ships, I ship Buck and Steve, mostly, but I also like the thought of most of the guys making out with each other. What about you? And lol i still listen to hannah montana often.

Oh SAME! I'm trying to get back into books without sacrificing much of my fanfic time. It's tricky. And you're right, fanfics are basically endless. Besides, there's the added bonus of "we already care about these characters".

P.s.: are these asks annoying you? Are they too long? Would you rather I dm you?

it really does though, and yet we keep coming back lol.

i think my parents said it got "weird" after a while, and i've definitely stopped other shows for that lol, but maybe one day i'll try it out again.

oof, yea that's understandable. i think arrow was the only one i watched all the way through and i regretted that lmao. they all lost me after a few seasons, but superman and lois has been good all around which was a nice change.

ohhh i completely forgot they did an episode on that! the school shooting ep that always sticks out in my mind is from one tree hill. yea i thought that was weird too. i think since that was so shocking and such a sensitive topic they wanted to steer clear of it? but yea you'd think for the scandal they would've been all over that.

i've thought about writing some fic for the bikeriders, but we shall see! oooh that's a great list! i love thor, bucky, venom, scarlet witch, black widow, hawkeye, echo, both captain americas, and...so many honestly 😄 i think my big marvel ships are sambucky and symbrock, but i did start reading some deadpool and wolverine after seeing the new movie lol

ugh yes!! i told myself i need to catch up on the fics i have open and then make a point to read some actual books. my goal is 20 for the year so i still have 10 to go lol.

not annoying me at all! and i am ok with whatever! i put read more incase it's annoying anyone else lol. but i am good with whatever works for you 😊

[durenjtmusings]

@pherryt

Barney, reamed out by Clint, is heartbroken over Nat, and frantically clingy and protective of his family upon their return, plus kinda self-condemning over the Ronin thing, so he retreats from the Avengers to focus on family and trying to heal.

Clint is still the depressed guy he was before the snap, but also feels guilty about not helping out with Thanos, so he steps in to help with the new kids. He spends a lot of time lurking -in the vents, rafters, roof, etc. which draws Bucky’s attention. They eventually do the dueling snipers thing on the practice range, and conversations start. Clint fills in what Bucky doesn’t remember, and they were enemies to lovers that one time WS escaped to New York in 2000 for a month or 2. After one too many suicidal mission accidents, Buck convinces Clint to get some help, leaning on their similar pasts-brainwashing, sniper, etc. [cue renewed Winterhawk if desired] Sam helps with finding a good therapist, and Buck starts ragging on them both over hawks vs falcons.

After Clint and Buck save Barney & fam from some major Ronin retaliation attempt, Clint reconciles with Barney who is better but wants to stay retired. The three reminisce about Natasha, discovering they all loved her, and creating a memorial for her on Barney’s land (a bench with a great view under a nice tree.

[ao3feed-irondadspiderson]

Stark Vs. Child: Round Two

https://archiveofourown.org/works/55736917 by aaaaa678910 [not a sequel - title refers to event in fic] a bunch of diff summaries/descs bc might aswell and I'm bad at this part: Peter Parker and Harry Carbonell rarely crossed paths in school, but they were right cunts to each other as Spiderman and Grey. [i promise i'm not british] or, "Gay of the night? I'm not finding you a gay hooker, kid. I'm glad you figured that out, but-" "NO-no... NO. I said GRAY IN the night NOT gay. I don't want a gay hook- I don't want any hooker. I'M NOT GAY." or, Peter Parker and Harry Carbonell were only connected through the fact that they attended the same high school. That was true until Harry made a fatal mistake while talking to Peter, and then Peter made a fatal mistake while talking to Stark. She'd avoided another bout with a Stark for over 3 years, and she would do anything in her power to keep it that way. enjoy if you give this a read :] Words: 36, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Categories: F/M, Gen Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s), Natasha Romanov (Marvel), Bruce Banner, Ned Leeds, Michelle Jones (Marvel) Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker/Original Character(s), Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Additional Tags: AU in the sense that, i spent too much time on wiki fandom and reading comics, so the lore is a mish mash of things from different timelines and universes, and stuff i spent too much researching to not put it in, I don't know what else to tag, this carries so much teenage angst it not even funny, but it's not super depressing i promise, Post-Civil War, potentially not bucky cyro freeze post civil war compliant, fatherly trauma, alot of it, so much, all around, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, i wrote this instead of doing biology, oh yeah, Vigilante Original Character, Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (Grey's Anatomy), it won't let me untag grey's anatomy i'm sorry, biderman, oc is female i fear, i'm still not entirely sure where this is going tbh, No Lesbians Die, Post-Movie: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), Mixed OC read it on AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/55736917

[tobiasdrake]

Captain America and the Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes vs. Iron Man.

Oh my god, what a finale. So much smaller in scale than the airport fight, but so much more powerful. Fewer fighters, but a more lopsided fight with a clear right and wrong side made no less tragic for its clarity.

The thing about Captain America vs. Iron Man is that it only really works if Steve is the protagonist. This is because Steve is the underdog here. He and Bucky are both fighting an uphill battle to not die immediately when Iron Man starts unloading firepower.

Iron Man vs. Captain America is a no-contest stomp. But Captain America vs. Iron Man? That's rough. That's a skin-of-his-teeth battle for the ages.

Again, the music is depressed and mournful. As Tony refuses to let up, as Steve and Bucky chip away at his armor more and more, using the silo's close confines to try and bring him down to their level, the music is haunting.

Emotionally, this is a fight that sticks with you. The fracturing of a toxic friendship in defense of a stable one.

(Steve's a good friend. He's doing exactly what you should do when one of your friends it being toxic to another: Back up the friend being picked on, even if it means breaking your friendship with the abuser. Kids, you can learn a life lesson from this fight!)

Like. They could have just made this about the Accords. But then it wouldn't have been as emotional. This is deep and personal, and that hits so much harder. Tony is experiencing temporary insanity and has taken leave of his senses due to a traumatic experience. Tomorrow, he'll probably wake up and go, "Oh, shit, I really screwed up." But tonight? Tonight, he has to be stopped.

And he has to be stopped while piloting a near-indestructible mobile weapons platform. It's the worst-case scenario from the Iron Man 2 birthday party come to life.

This is easily one of the most heartstring-tugging fights in the MCU. The fight may conclude with one party defeated, but there are no winners in Zemotown.

This fight is art.

[sushi-rat]

I don't know where the idea came from exactly. But I have a headcanon that Thor struggles a lot with his identity as a destructive god who grew up in a war-based society.

Bucky has a particular arc in the MCU. Bucky, after being forced/tortured to be a brutal weapon with not even a real name, finally starts remembering his life, remembers and falls in love with Steve, heals from his hypnosis and mind control, and seems to find safety in being gentle, being presented and treated more delicate and peaceful. I particularly love gay-jewish-bucky's posts about soft Bucky (not @ them as this post has little to none to do with Bucky or them). Bucky doesn't want to be dangerous, he often covers or takes off his prosthetic as he still needs room to learn how to trust himself, he doesn't want to fight. He's done and tired and would rather sit at home under a fluffy blanket, in some cozy, loose pjs, and cuddled next to Steve. (I reject most of Endg*me and onward)

I like to also apply this sort of arc to Thor. He's very much a kindhearted, loud, caring person who does mature and takes the time to learn and listen. A lot of development and maturing happens in Thor 1 when he goes from battle-driven and practically blood-thirsty to understanding life of beings and that killing an entire race for the acts of the few or the acts of the past is unjustifiable. Problem is, he started off as a self-absorbed killer primarily due to Odin and the glorifying of conquering in Asgardian society, the fact that Odin is known for his acts of violence and control over separate colonies, that brute warriors are prioritized over the more physically weak like Loki, ect. While Odin showed fury over Thor's brash actions and harshly punished him, it has been shown that Odin never really took any steps to teach Thor true peace, especially with things like the control over colonies which was addressed in Ragnarok to have been happening in the background, Odin's talk to Thor in The Dark World where Odin says that mortals' lives are fleeting and therefore should mean nothing to gods which, most likely, that sort of talk about other races has been a part of the boys' upbringing, and Odin telling his stories of victory since the boys were young and fueling them on seeking glory. The true extent of the bloody history of Asgard is touched upon more in Ragnarok with Hela's upbringing and in the comics (I own the Thor vs Gorr series and there's a part where Thor goes to a Nexus for research and the librarian is very hostile and mentions how an entire library section about murders and bloodshed is mostly full of Odin's/Asgard's "adventures"). All-in-all, very war-driven society that Thor grew up in, so of course he knows destruction better than anything.

Later he gets to uncover lies, he loses everything, and shows a distancing and tiredness when it comes to fighting. One of the few things I agree with in Endg*me is how all of the remaining Avengers show a distancing to fighting, so much to the point they distanced from each other. Thor was genuinely depressed and consciously attempted to repress or ignore everything previous, and tried to build some semblance of peace out of what little he had. He has seen what true war is. What he grew up with, that glory, was Odin having perfect control and power over his enemies and beating them to submission. Fighting Hela and losing your home and people in the process, fighting Thanos and losing people that you love, feeling guilt over not being good enough when you fail, he now knows what TRUE war is like. And it broke him. So much so, he doesn't jump at the opportunity to fix everything and he worries over failing again.

I feel Thor's feelings about battle and his change could've been addressed better in anything released after Infinity War, falling into a similar arc as Bucky's: being a weapon (though for the 2 characters, it was much different situations with different levels of willingness- in Bucky's case none at all) but ending up in a situation that makes them crave being softer and non-threatening.

I also think a good, secondary tie-in for this sort of development for Thor is the fact that he is a god of nature. He is the God of Thunder with an ability to also create/control storm events like lightning, a tornado as seen in Thor 1 which could prolly be extended to controlling wind, and many people headcanon that he could control rainstorms due to the associated lightning + thunder abilities. Thor is not a God of War or Destruction or Battle. His powers lie within nature, nature events that can be destructive but can also be peaceful and kind; the rain that waters the plants, the soft thunder that people often love and even listen to ambience of to go to sleep at night, the beautiful strikes of lightning that many are obsessed with, the breeze to cool a hot day. I feel many gods of nature are treated much more gentle, and this could be a really good note towards Thor's character: a god of nature that grows up learning nothing but war, coming to a point where he wants to have the opportunity that other nature gods have that he never got. He's known for being good with animals in the comics so maybe he starts a routine to feed the animals in his area, he learns to control his powers and can bring a gentle rain to water the nearby plants and even aid his own garden, his powers give him an exceptional green-thumb, he plays with the village kids by letting them ride the wind- literally, entertaining people with tricks with his lightning similarly to how Loki shows off the fireworks his mom taught him in the Loki series. Even his amazing strength he uses for helping to build the houses of New Asgard, or lifting up a horse to help carry it back to the stable.

I just really like the idea of Thor becoming softer and maturing past the oppressive destruction of the Old Asgard, paving his own way and bringing a new hope and light to a new, peaceful, Asgard

[mizkit]

new blog post: art vs industry

new blog post on https://mizkit.com/art-vs-industry/

art vs industry

Elsewhere a friend posted an image of all the upcoming/in development Marvel projects, of which there were…many…like, over 20…and made a comment about whether it was art or industry.

It turned out I had some feelings on that. :)

I think Marvel walks an interesting line between art and industry. A lot of it’s industry, which is fine because it IS an industry. And since I find, IDK, probably 80% of that industry’s product to be entertaining, I’m pretty happy with that. My problems with the industry aspect of it lie in where they are overworking and underpaying the people, especially the VXF artists, who are carrying so very much of the weight of these films, and in where they’re rushing things that could be good and fail to be because of the headlong pursuit of the Almighty Dollar. So yeah, on that front, I find the industry side problematic.

On the other hand, it’s an artistic industry by its nature, in which they occasionally they strive for and achieve Art, and I think those moments, those films, are sublime, and they actively bring me joy: Winter Solider is as good a spy film as there is, and Black Panther is a stunning achievement on basically every level.

But I also get to-my-toes-thrills out of many of the rank commercialism moments: Bucky flipping that motorcycle makes me go whuff every time, I was in the theatre shrieking my head off when Cap finally said “Avengers, assemble!”, and I burst into tears (I am in fact tearing up now remembering it) when they brought all the Marvel women together for that one big shot. That’s what I wanted. Was it art? Hell if I know, but it made me happy, which is what really matters to me.

I think I’m really not very precious about ‘art’, though, honestly. I’m a working artist. I make my own living mostly through industry: I write paranormal romance because it sells and I need to pay the rent and the bills and for my kid’s clothes. Out of the 50+ books I’ve published, I think probably three of them are what I’d consider art, and that, IDK, 60% of the others have moments of the sublime/active artistic beauty and merit. I think the other 40% are fun, and that’s their job. They’re meant to be escapist. Maybe there are some life lessons or really important moments in them for other people. I’d like to think so, but mostly I want to make readers happy for a little while, and I’m told it works.

And that’s what most Marvel movies & tv do for me. If I want Art with a Capital A, I’ll watch something else. I’ll watch, IDK, August: Osage County, which is the last film I went to on purpose that I thought would make me cry (the last one i went to that i DIDN’T think would make me cry which i FRICKIN’ SOBBED THROUGH was IF, holy god, I was not prepared, Jesus H Christ). I’ll watch Portrait of a Lady on Fire, or…IDK, man. There’s plenty of it available if that’s what I’m after. But the truth is, I’m usually not looking for Art. I’m already emotionally ground down and worn out and I rarely want to watch movies that are going to depress me or making me cry or even, honestly, expect me to think all that much, most of the time. Too much of what we sell as Art is bleak instead of uplifting, and man, there’s enough bleak to deal with already.

I suppose the point is mostly that I don’t think art and industry are separate beasts. I think the idea that artists shouldn’t make any money to keep their art pure is fucking nonsense. I think the Marvel films employ tens of thousands of people in artistic endeavors ranging from headline actors to costumers to lighting designers to construction workers and on and on. From that perspective, arguably there’s very little as artistic as a Marvel production in the modern world.

I don’t think that most of the time they’re…they’re not Loving Vincent kinds of Art, where a film about Vincent Van Gogh was turned into a living painting in an act of single-minded dedication and passion, but it’s difficult to argue, in my opinion, that the Marvel films don’t have something to say about the human condition. We love the visual theatrics of the superhero powers, but it was Vision’s line, “What is grief, if not love persevering?” that actually brought us to our knees. Tony’s and Cap’s ability to almost connect and then the frustration of their failing to is what twists our heart. If Rocket’s excavated rage in Guardians 3, and the entirety of Wakanda Forever, offering catharsis to hundreds of millions of people who had suffered a shocking loss together, isn’t art, then I don’t know what the hell is.

So, yeah. I guess I think it’s a false dichotomy, and I get why people are frustrated with the commercialization of the art, but, like. That’s how it works! Comics have always been commercial! Pantheons have always been there to sell you something! Movies are a commercial product! Do I think it’s arguably problematic that it seems like the only movies/tv people are watching (or at least, going to the theatre for) seem to be the big smash-em-up escapism thing?

…no. No, actually, I really, really don’t. I think the problem is that the world is exhausting and movies are very, very expensive, and if you’re going to choose A Thing to spend your probably-very-limited entertainment budget on, it’s completely reasonable to choose The Thing that everybody else is going to see! The water cooler movies! We all went to Barbenheimer! We all went to Deadpool & Wolverine! We’re all gonna go to…I don’t actually know what the next actual must-see movie is gonna be, let’s call it Minecraft bc that seems sure to make pundits mad that people are going to it instead of, IDK, The Bikeriders!

We’re not doing that because we Hate Art, we’re doing it because there’s still a pandemic on and we can only afford a theatrical release film once a quarter if we’re lucky and if we’re gonna go to one at all we want it to be the one we can talk about with everybody else! The rest of it can wait 3 months (or less!!!) until our family of 4 can watch it for the cost of the streaming service that we’re paying for anyway, with homemade popcorn and a pause button for when we’ve drunk our body weight in Pepsi but don’t want to miss any of the movie!

Did I get off track? Yes! Do I feel strongly about this? Also yes! Did it turn out that further discussion with my friend determined we meant different things by ‘art’ and ‘industry’ and am I going to yhave to write an entirely different post in response to that? Also-also yes! Am I going to stop writing now because I can’t think of a good wrap-up paragraph? Also-also-also yes! :)

[halfagone]

There was one interested party, and that was all I needed to release the floodgates.

It's Happening Now.

There will be MCU Canon references included in this essay, however I will not be mentioning any specific fic while discussing fanon characterization. This is because I cannot confirm whether an author is using this alteration of a character's personality as a plot device, or because they personally believe that is how they act in canon.

Let's get started.

Steve's Character

One of the most glaring changes I have seen in Steve Rogers' character in fanfiction is how he is stickler for the rules. They make him out to be this America Apologist, who looks down on anyone else who so much as criticizes his country. They also make it seem as if he only ever carries out orders and is incapable of thinking for himself.

How This Isn't True

For one thing, in comic book canon, Steve Rogers grew up during the Great Depression as a sickly child with a single mother. I think we can all agree, with this in mind, that Steve is well aware of the domestic shortcomings of the country.

When he wanted to join the US Army to fight the Nazis, he was willing forge documents- which is illegal, might I add- in his attempts to enlist.

Here is the scene from movie itself:

Why does he want to enlist? Why does he fight in general? "I hate bullies."

It can also be argued that Steve undergoes development in later movies which inspire him to change his mind or adjust his perspective of the U.S., particular when it is revealed that Hydra has sunk its claws into the world's political scene. For example, Senator Stern who is seen in both Iron Man 2 and Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Which means, we will now be moving onto:

Captain America: Civil War - The Sokovia Accords

I have not seen a single satisfactory piece of fanfiction that can properly address the Sokovia Accords argument in a way that acknowledges both sides. That does not mean these stories do no exist, it simply means they are not getting the attention to appear at the top (or near the top) of the page when sorting by Kudos or Hits on Ao3.

If you go to Ao3, you will find a great number of stories with Tags such as "Team Iron Man" or "Not Team Captain America Friendly", or similar tags in the latter's case. However, you would be surprised by how many of these very same stories either have the Accords abolished or adjusted. It is as if even the author cannot ignore how the Sokovia Accords would impinge on human rights, particularly those of heroes and mutants.

While it could be argued that the Accords could have been adjusted once they signed off on it, there was still no guarantee that would be possible. Just as there was no guarantee that the Accords would be repealed, as we learned from a line by Matt Murdock in the recent She-Hulk series.

Arguments against the Sokovia Accords include:

The people who created this Accord (notably Thaddeus Ross) are some of the very same people who wanted to nuke New York City to stop an alien invasion (even when they had no proof it would repel them [and as evidenced by Iron Man's heroic save, it would not have done anything besides obliterated millions of people]).

It encroached on the rights of mutants and stripped them of their autonomy and/or privacy.

It risked the chance of the heroes' families being endangered.

It opened up the possibility for the Avengers to be militarized by countries to do their dirty work, instead of enabling them to fight and protect everyone equally.

Here is the debate scene:

We will get into Tony Stark and Steve Rogers' individual stances on this matter in a later subheading. For now, let's move onto:

How Steve Rogers vs. Tony Stark ACTUALLY Started

The opposing opinions on the Sokovia Accords could be likened to the first cracks in the ice, but Baron Zemo's schemes was the breaking point. If you've watched Captain America: Civil War, then you know that Zemo framed Bucky- aka the Winter Soldier- for the bombing of Vienna and the murder of King T'Chaka of Wakanda.

While Tony intends to bring him in for questioning and/or arrest, Steve knows from his history with Bucky, both pre-Hydra and post-Hydra, that there is something missing. So instead of going along with Tony to bring Bucky "to justice", he intends to help his friend escape.

That is where we get the first fight between "Team Iron Man" and "Team Captain America" at the airport.

And then, of course, there is the more infamous battle between Iron Man vs. Captain America + Winter Soldier.

Steve's words to Tony? "He's my friend."

It was NEVER about Tony.

You would be surprised by how many fanfics you will find that paint Steve as a monster, not just in this scene, but in general. There are many fanfics where Steve is characterized as ungrateful, spoiled, egotistical.

Hm, now doesn't that sound familiar? Oh right, that sounds like Iron Man.

But in these very same stories, they paint Bucky- Bucky, the guy that killed Tony's parents under duress, the whole reason Steve was fighting Tony in the first place- as one of the victims he rightly is in the situation. They do not acknowledge how Steve had seen this from the start.

When Steve implores Tony about how Wanda "is just a kid" and shouldn't be stuck in the compound, fanfics will paint that as him being ungrateful for Tony's generosity. They do not see it as Steve recognizing how Wanda feels isolated and imprisoned.

And that is one of the greatest shames because some of these fics also give Tony Stark such beautiful character development. But. Only at the cost of Steve's character.

Character Bashing does not make your MC better. It just lowers the audience's standards.

This brings us to our final point:

Steve and Tony On The Sokovia Accords And How It Shows Their Character Development

In Iron Man 2, there is a whole scene where Tony shows up to court and totally annihilates the proceedings when he refuses to give away his Iron Man suit and other prototypes. He does not care for rules or regulations, he flaunts his intelligence, and shows a general lack of care.

And then, Ultron happens.

If Tony was not already terrified of the upcoming threat in the form of Thanos, then I would say Ultron's attack just proves to him how dangerous, not just the enemy can be, but how dangerous he and his companions are.

He went from a man that did not care about rules, to someone who understood oversight was necessary or else people- especially overpowered individuals- could get out of hand. He saw what he did with Ultron, he saw what he did with the Stark weapons. He knew something had to change.

And he did try to change. He spends, arguably, most of his time in the MCU trying to be a better person.

So why, then, when Steve makes a mistake, he's vilified for it?

In terms of arguments, Steve was right about the Accords. It was messy, it overstepped its bounds. In terms of execution, Steve should have never gone that far with Tony in Siberia.

However, look at that scene in the last video, and compare it to the scene from Falcon and the Winter Solider.

Steve shows restraint. John Walker does not.

Look back to that other video of Steve vs. Tony.

"That shield doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it." - Tony Stark

And Steve drops the shield.

Because even he knows, that he doesn't. That is a level of awareness that John Walker, as Captain America's successor, does not have.

Steve Rogers loves his country. He fought for it. He was willing to die for it.

But he should not have to compromise his principles because his country could not live up to theirs.

He sheds the name of Captain America, and becomes the Nomad, as seen in Avengers: Infinity War.

There is no acknowledgement of that in most popular fanfiction you'll find in the MCU. And that's disrespectful to both their characters. Because Steve always had that empathy, while Tony went on a journey to learn it.

They both made mistakes, many of them, and yet Steve's mistakes are the only ones often vilified and blown out of proportion. Steve is not a perfect man, but many people aren't even willing to acknowledge he's a good one.

In the words of Dr. Erskine in Captain America: The First Avenger:

If you enjoyed this, I would recommend watching this video from Cinema Therapy that has an excellent analysis of his character.

Thank you for reading.

I could write a whole literary analysis essay about how fanon's characterization of Steve Rogers in the wake of Captain America: Civil War's debate between Team Iron Man and Team Captain America is an affront of Steve's character, character development, and is demeaning to Tony Stark's own character development and growth.

[builder051]

Happy Sunday! Not sure if this is your kinda thing, if not, totally okay, but would you consider writing a fic where Laura Barton is driving Bucky and he’s sick with the flu and throws up in the car? Have a great day!

This is Powers/No Powers

___________________

Steve's at work. Bucky's bracing himself over the bathroom sink, steeling himself up to make the decision between straightening up and grabbing his toothbrush, or collapsing sideways and curling his body around the toilet bowl. Right now, he's at 50-50. Or more like 33-33-33, if continuing to stand still is an option. He'll throw the extra point to the theoretical asteroid that could crash through the ceiling at any moment and strike him dead. If anyone actually cared to ask, he'd prefer the asteroid.

Bucky glares at a dent in the tube of toothpaste. Mint. Better than bile? His mouth tastes like salty snot that keeps dragging thickly toward the back of his throat, threatening to gag him if he doesn't keep a conscious hold on his swallow. Peppermint. It's Steve's toothpaste. He hates the flavor at baseline. His own spearmint and tea tree is tolerable, but the stairs to get to the ensuite... definitely are not.

Somewhere out in the living room, Bucky's phone begins to chime. Not a call, please not a call, he thinks. No. The tones are short. It's a text. Two texts. He knows who the probable sender is, then. Backwoods cell towers and sharp country air aren't always kind to cell signal. A single message is often split into two.

"Coming," Bucky groans, wrapping an arm around his stomach and limping toward the coffee table. He forgets to turn off the light in the bathroom; the helpless look he gives it over his shoulder doing nothing to assist. The couch is far too large an obstacle to navigate around again. He's already so close. And he's curious about what Laura has to say. More curious now than nauseated. And that's saying something.

Good morning, the first message reads. Then, I have coffee money. And gas money, too.

Bucky sighs. He wonders if she's left the farm house's long gravel driveway yet. Laura's not one to dawdle, so he may already be too late to tell her it's not worth the trip. Sweet of her to think of him, and usually her charm and coaxing do the trick to drag him out of the shadows, but today? Drinking coffee sounds about as thin and slippery as pouring lighter fluid down his throat. Worse than toothpaste. And probably more disastrous.

His hand shakes as he picks up his phone. Sorry, Bucky manages to tap out. I'm sick.

Laura doesn't hesitate with her response. What kind of sick? Do I need to worry?

Bucky sighs. He could write her off as being nosy. But he knows better, and he knows her intentions better than that. Head is fine, he answers quickly. Then he wrinkles his brow and regrets his wording. No, headache. Bad. Flu, maybe.

I got it, Laura writes. Don't worry.

"Mmph." Bucky lets out his breath. His nose drips, either watery mucous or fever sweat. Disgusting either way. He swipes it with his sleeve. Then his phone buzzes again in his hand.

I can be there in an hour. Take you to urgent care?

Bucky swallows down sourness again. Just the idea of the VA waiting area sets off his sense of distaste. Not sure it's worth it...

I don't trust the VA. Laura must be reading his mind. The kids' doc always has sick appointments. There can't possibly be enough patients around here to keep him busy.

Bucky stares at the message for a moment. A pediatrician? What is she thinking? He's not a kid. Maybe he needs handling like one sometimes, but... Bucky shakes his head, which hurts. Do you think I should?

There's a pause, then Laura's reply lands. Yes, she writes. I think so. I just have a feeling about this one.

Bucky's fingers tremble. Ok, he taps, grateful for the autofill offering him the choice response.

On my way.

Laura's there in 45 minutes. Bucky doesn't ask if she chose to speed on the highway. More than likely, she was further down the route than she admitted when she texted the first time. She knocks politely on the townhouse's front door, respecting Bucky's dislike of the doorbell.

It takes Bucky a minute to be ready to leave. Does he need a jacket? A box of Kleenex? Nothing extraneous. Shoes, though. Probably necessary.

"Sorry," he mumbles when he opens the door.

"Oh, James," Laura says softly. "Don't worry about it."

She reclines the passenger seat a few degrees and pulls out the seatbelt so Bucky can settle in the car before they get moving. "You ok? Feeling ready?"

"Um. I guess?" James wishes he felt more sure. His stomach seems to be wedged tightly between his lungs, constricting them against the tight slats of his ribcage. He swallows, for safety's sake, but the flow of gunk coating his esophagus remains in limbo, refusing to break off and go down all the way.

Laura takes her seat behind the wheel. "Tissues in the console. Bags in the glove box. And both kids and Clint have barfed in this car before, so whatever happens, it won't be revolutionary." She grins.

"Hm." Bucky gives a small nod. "Ok."

"I've changed diapers in the trunk before. And took the bleeding dog to the emergency vet in the back seat." Laura holds a straight face, then breaks into a wide smile again. "That was on a blanket, though."

It's two miles of loops and stoplights out of the suburbs to the main drag, then just a blitz and a turn to the expressway. Bucky feels Laura's eyes on him as she excellerates and moves the vehicle into the center lane.

"Doing alright?"

"Uh." Bucky's jawline feels fairly numb, but the touch of his knuckles under his chin clacks his teeth together, and that gives him a little faith. "Enough."

"You're going pale on me," Laura says. "Keep me in the look, ok?"

"Yeah..." He's fine. He's been going pale for months, Bucky thinks. It's the depression; it's the staying inside. He'll let Steve take him to a corporate golf scramble or something.

Bucky's gut moves uncomfortably. Scramble. Stupid. What is a golf scramble, anyway? Whacking balls down the green with frying pans? Bucky tries picturing it to distract himself. Probably after catered brunch...

"James?"

"Mm?" Bucky jerks his head up, and his stomach goes into free-fall as pressure builds behind his sinuses.

"I can hear you grinding your teeth." Laura reaches across him to open the glove compartment. "I have supplies. I'll pull off at the next exit. It's actually a trailhead with a place to stop and enjoy the view, so there's grass and gravel and every thing."

Bucky can't force out a sound. He can't draw breath. He manages to blink, and excess fluid drips down from the corners of his eyes.

Laura bats what appear to be several folded paper footballs out of the glove box. "Ugh. Sorry. I forgot Clint did that..." She pinches one by the corner and starts to shake it. Some of the folds release, and Bucky recognizes the crumpled Walmart logo.

He recognizes the horrible feelings inside his body, too. Bucky's too hot; he's prickling all over. He tries taking the bag from Laura, but overshoots and slaps it out of her hand. He struggles to do whatever he can to contain the mess he knows is coming, and he presses the still flat bag over his mouth like a crinkly handkerchief.

Sick slips everywhere, up Bucky's face to cover his cheeks, and down across his chin. The bag isn't absorbant in the slightest, and he's holding it too tightly against himself to let it be a barrier between the mess and everything else.

The second heave spills into Bucky's lap, and stinging bile spreads up into his eyes. He squeezes them shut and lets out an involuntary moan.

"James, it's ok." Laura puts her hand on Bucky's knee, which is drenched. "I'm pulling off right now."

Bucky feels the car swerve, leaving smooth asphalt and grinding to a slow stop in what can only be a parking lot in desperate need of repaving. The movement doesn't agree with him in the slightest, and it elicits another retch from deep within him.

"Breathe," Laura reminds him.

Bucky tries, but he inhales a bubble of mucous, and he breaks off hacking.

"It's ok." Laura thumps him on the back. "James, it's alright. I know you're feeling really bad."

Bucky forces out a sharp cough that moves his entire body, and he finally gets a gulp of bitter flavored air. "S-sorry," he gasps.

"No talking," Laura says gently.

Bucky breathes again. Then twice more. He strains against his seatbelt in an enormous dry heave, but only a thin line of saliva comes up.

"Keep breathing."

"'m done," Bucky whispers, his voice cracking. "'m done. Have to be done."

"Ok." Laura massages between Bucky's shoulder blades. "Why don't you give me that, then." She carefully takes the pitiful, dripping bag from between Bucky's fingers.

"O-oh." Bucky's eager to give it up, but he feels terrible for her to have to handle it at all. "I'm sor--"

"Hey, no apologies." Laura taps the button for the center console with her elbow. "There are tissues in there. Probably fast-food napkins as well." She gives Bucky a sad smile. "Why don't you start mopping yourself up, if you feel up to it? I'll get this in the bin where it belongs."

Bucky manages to get a single Kleenex wadded into his eye socket by the time Laura returns. He almost doesn't notice her reappearance, except that she starts piling napkins over the thighs of his jeans.

"Didn't get very far, I guess..." Bucky spit-talks, then wipes his mouth unceremoniously on his shoulder.

"No expectations." Laura expertly scoops away most of the visible dregs of Bucky's stomach contents, wads up the napkins, and drops them out the driver's-side door. "I'm littering. Don't tell anyone."

"I puked in your car," Bucky half laughs, half groans. "Don't tell anyone that."

"Mmm..." Laura tilts her head to one side. "Say to the doc that it happened before we left your house?"

Bucky hesitates. Catches her eye. Laura wears a dubious smile, but her eyes are genuine.

"Yeah," Bucky agrees gratefully. "Yeah. That's... yeah."

"Done deal." Laura pulls out another wad of napkins and gingerly reaches up to wipe Bucky's face. "This'll probably do it. Then do you think you feel up to getting back on the road?"

"I... I think so?" Bucky feels... not better, exactly. Better than he did. But disgusting nonetheless.

"There's a rest stop, a nature preserve, and a National Park before we get to Paris. As it exists on the map, with, you know, buildings and such."

"Ok." Bucky nods slowly. He gets her drift. "I think I can manage that," he says.

"Ok, then." Laura offers Bucky half of the napkins in her hand. "Let's manage it together."

[foeofcolor]

hi this is totally random but you're a bit of a hawkeye fan right? i havent been in your blog a lot so correct me if im wrong lol

i wanna read his comics, where do you think i should start? i usually read it at readcomicsonline.com!

Sorry I took so long to answer but here's a few ones I think are good! SOLO/ SOLOISH

HAWKEYE (2012) The most well known Clint run! It's 24 issues and very good! But it can get heavy at times and there is actually a lot of buildup/backstory to why Clint is the way he is in that run, this isn't the standard for him, this is him in depression. @bobbimorses 's post here explains it well.

HAWKEYE : FREEFALL It's very short, 6 issues only and has the kind of pseudo leftism you'd except from comics at this point sometimes but other than that? It's great! We also haven't heard from Clint post freefall and next time we see him will be in the August THINDERBOLTS 0.0

HAWKEYE ( 2003 ) OK. So this run is also just 8 issues (See a pattern here??) and fair warning : It has the 2000s brand of casual racism and misogyn . But this is a really good example of pre matt fraction Clint! Also you don't really need to read the last 2 issues but they're a ok add on. Also there's a character called Gaylord and I STILL think that's funny.

HAWKEYE : BLINDSPOT Essential!! Just 4 issues iirc and it's! very good and explains the lead up to the 2012 series!

HAWKEYE (1983) VERY IMPORTANT!!!

TEAM BOOKS/ TEAM UPS

NEW AVENGERS : REUNION This happens during/after the whole civil war fisaco but you don't really need to know much about that to read this. All you need to know is Clint died, then when Clint was dead Cap died, Clint came back to life and was offered the shield, he said No, then bucky got the shield, then Bobbi came back to life and turns out she had been replaced by a skrull before her supposed death.

HAWKEYE Vs. DEADPOOL it's just fun!

HAWKEYE MOCKINGBIRD Clintbobbi, need I say more.

WEST COAST AVENGERS   The og run!! It also has the clintbobbi divorce and I thinkkkk this is the one with the tw for rape? You can also read the new run but it’ ok? Not really essential.

THUNDERBOLTS ( OG ) Clint leads this team for a while!

You can pretty much pick any old avengers comics after #16 and there’s soild chance that Clint’d be in it tbh.

Also, for his first appearances check out this list (by @/bobbimorses) and this list (by @/soloavengers)

MISC. ISSUES I LIKE 

Captain America #179

Avengers Annual #9

[carpathxanridge]

not to be cringe but ive been binge reading stucky fanfiction and ive noticed an interesting trend. a lot of authors, when they write about post-serum steve having a conversation about homophobia in the 40s or coming out to the 21st century press and sticking it to the right wing media (verryyy common) etc., include this trope that the super serum cures all illness but it doesnt convert steve’s sexuality, as a statement against conversion therapy. and i do appreciate the trope when i see it, whether it’s used as a brief rhetorical argument or if it’s something explored more personally as steve and bucky struggling with internalized homophobia but being reassured their orientation and relationship is natural and not an illness. to contrast this, there’s another common trope ive seen in multiple fic summaries where steve is a transman and the super serum changes his sex from female to male.

it’s just such a jarring contrast: self acceptance vs. alienation from the self. the thoughtfulness and depth lgb people apply to handling concept ‘serum that cures all illness’ in a society that views homosexuality as an illness vs. the trans handling of it, “i wish i could just go into a machine and change my sexed body.” i also find the former interpretations tend to grapple with how steve likely felt about the physical changes from the serum. there’s explorations of self-esteem issues, body dysmorphia, even some interpretations where steve feels alienated from his changed body. all-around, there’s an awareness of the fact that you are your body and that suddenly having a different body would leave you with the same mental health issues even if that body is ‘perfect’/meets societal standards. on the other hand, while i can’t say i’ve read any of the trans fics (and considering how many of them seem to just be gratuitous porn) i suspect the attitude is wholly one of complete alienation from the natural body, viewing their biological sex as a simple illness to be fixed after which they’ll be happy. (which is honestly so incongruent with the actual tone of steve’s character arc in the mcu after becoming captain america lol.) idk this case study is just depressing. it reflects broader trends i see in fanfiction, where lgb people tend toward cathartic narratives grappling with internalized homophobia and acceptance of the self, while trans people tend toward abject rejection of the self… and of course gratuitous porn/wish-fulfillment about being able to fuck gay men.

[novamirmirsblog]

Now my clothes smell of you but you’re not here

Word count: 965

Request: I mean no but I was encouraged to do it

Warnings: death, sadness, overall depression

A/n: guys I don’t know why I couldn’t just leave Natasha and Y/n happy and in love and I may have cried while writing this. Was it because of how my phone formats this or because it’s just such a sad fic?? We will never know. I’ll write and post the one where y/n dies when I’ve written some more fluff/smut 👀 because ya girl needs a break from the sadness 😂

Part 1 is here

We had won. Humanity vs Thanos and we had won. It's what you kept telling yourself. It's what you had told yourself when Clint came back alone. It's what you told yourself when you comforted the pain Peter felt at the loss of another father figure. It's what you said to comfort little Morgan when she asked where her daddy was.

"See you in a minute." That's what she had said, so hopeful for the first time in a long time. But it wasn't a minute. She had lied. That minute stretched and continued stretching until it was all you could feel.

You had started wearing each other's clothes long before the first snap. They didn't even call it the snap - those who returned - they called it the blip. Just another thing that had gone along with Natasha. Natasha had insisted that she only made you wear her clothes to warm them up but on the few occasions you had managed to sneak up on the spy, she always had her face buried in the fabric. You had no idea what you smelled of but Natasha once described it 'as that feeling you get when you get a notification on your phone, or when you beat a really hard level of a video game.' So you guessed if dopamine and relief smelt of anything, that was your smell. You didn't mind wearing her clothes - although you teased her mercilessly for it - because she always looked so content when she got something of hers back that smelt of you.

How you wished you could go back to having to wear jumpers a little too small just so Natasha could have your smell. Eventually your clothes migrated to our clothes which then turned into Natasha's clothes. By that point she suggested you should just move in. You basically lived at the compound anyway so there was no harm in sharing her room.

"We won" you whispered to yourself as you watched them take an empty coffin to bury.

It was an annoyingly sunny day when that empty box was buried. The movies lied, the clouds didn't cover the sun and pour with rain that mixed with tears rolling down faces. Birds chirrped and white fluffy clouds rolled over the sky. The sounds of children laughing filled the air.

For a while you were angry. The kind of anger that claws its way from your chest into your throat. First it was directed at Clint. How dare he not fight harder to die. He should have shot her in the leg, tied her up, anything. When you screamed all this at him when he came back alone, all he said was "I know".

Then your anger turned on Bruce. It was him who snapped that second time to bring everyone back. Him who truly failed you. How could he. He was supposed to love her too and yet not only did he abandon her to go fly about space with Thor, but he failed to bring her back.

Anger turned to pain when you saw all the happily reunited families. The whole world was celebrating and yet those who made it happen were dead. At least Stark got a proper funeral. It was broadcasted all over the world, as it should be. His sacrifice was possibly the hardest of them all. He didn't even want to be involved. He had made a life for himself and it was snatched away because heroes have to make the world a 'better place' but was the world really a better place without them in it?

The avengers broke up pretty soon after the funerals. Steve went off to give back the infinity stones, Bucky moved out, Sam went back to his sister and those who came from around the galaxy all went back to where they came from. It was lonely. Sometimes it felt as if you were the only one who remembered.

It was a complete accident when you found a chest Natasha had hidden. You were looking for a pair of shoes that had suddenly gone missing. Pepper said you were more than welcome to stay in Natasha’s room for as long as you wanted but it was just too painful to be there but it was also too painful to be anywhere else. The chest contained all your clothes you thought you had lost over the years. There was so many of them, ranging from beanies, to skirts, to dresses, to comfort clothes and even a pair of pyjamas. You sat on the floor and cried. The tears just kept coming and then you saw the note.

‘Darling y/n,

you have no idea how much I’ve loved you. I know if you’re reading this it means I’m gone and I’m so so sorry for the pain it may cause. In the chest are clothes that now smell of me. I know you may not have been as obsessed with my smell as I was with yours but I hope these can provide the hugs I wish I could give you. There are also videos and a hologram Stark made. I have no idea if you will need all this but I hope that if you do, this is enough.

All my love, Natalia’

Emptying out the clothes carefully, you saw hundreds of usb sticks and tears came flooding back. You sat and watched the videos, trying to figure out how to turn on the small black disk that was the hologram when it suddenly popped on.

“Hello detka”

You threw it across the room, hearing it thud on the other side. Because no matter how hard you try, not everything can be stitched back together. We had won, but maybe this time the price too high.

[quietlyimplode]

Natasha Romanoff Masterlist of Fic Recs - Version 2.0 - Page 1

Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5

Updated June 2021

This is not an exhaustive list (and in no order whatsoever) of the brilliant fic that is out there. Please let me know of any i have missed or any recs to put in and I will endeavour to add it. I have not included warnings or ratings. Please make sure you look at the tags, judge for yourself and as always take care of yourself first. (17 authors under the cut)

The Irish Mayhem @the-irish-mayhem

White - part of Perfection of Duality Series - the making of Natasha Romanoff. One of my favourite fics in the world. I will love it forever.  -    25/25

Perfection of Duality- part two - Natasha - Natasha in shield - 4/?

Mypedia @sebuttstianstan

anything that bleeds - Natasha - Natasha is a sub. Don’t let that fool you, Natasha’s backstory with bdsm elements. 21/22

Shadesfalcon @shadesfalcon

Like Real People Do - Clint/Nat - ‘Do we have song?’ Iterations of what’s the ties that bind them together.    1/1

Whether you ask it or not - Clint/Nat - Natasha gets poisoned - and has the line ‘“’Night, little dragon. May your fires ever burn hot upon your unsuspecting foes.”    1/1

Sometimes winning means you’re the last one standing - ot6+everyone - don’t play ‘never have I ever’ without some laughs and trauma rearing its head   1/1

I am good - Clint/Nat/Laura - Clint brings Natasha home for the first time.   1/1

Careful She Bites - Clint/Nat - don’t confront Natasha about the handcuffs. Just don’t.  2/2

What happens here stays here - Clint/Nat- Natasha can’t remember Budapest.  1/1

Koren M- cybermathwitch

I’d Make Room for you - Clint/Nat/Laura - perspectives of each other are important. 1/1

Course Corrections - Clint/Nat/Laura - taking care of each other 2/2 snippets into conversations/life Course Corrections (Age of Ultron Fix-It Fic)

As if you have a choice - Clint/Nat - Natasha gets pregnant. They know they can’t keep it. 3/3

The weight of us - series of 11 - my fav is ‘Seeing Red’ and ‘Sharp and Sweet’. Clint/Nat shield days

Red Flag Warning - Natasha - red is a warning colour. Clint should know.   1/1

Edgeofthegalaxy @natasha-romanoff-deserved-better

buried in your bones, i see it in your closed eyes - Natasha dissociates and its a long way back Clint/Nat 1/1

Origins - Young Natasha in the red room, of learning morality and goodness. 1/1

But even the strong can fall - Natasha goes silent on a mission, Clint knows something is very wrong. Clint/Nat 2/2

Just a Kid - sometimes Natasha doesn’t realise how messed up her childhood was. Sometimes she needs to be told. Nat/team 1/1

Collateral Damage - Natasha comes home from a mission; Tony needs to patch her up. Tony & Nat 1/1

Daughter of Rohan @natrasharomanova

Living Louder - Clint/Nat - break my heart. Origin stories.   21/21

Beside you (sequel to living louder) - Clint/Nat - shield falls. Clint and Nat find each other in the aftermath.

It’s still raining - Clint/Nat - everything happens when it’s raining.  1/1

You are a piece of me, I wish I didn’t need. Clint/Nat/Laura/family. Clint brings Nat to the farm for the first time. Healing ensues.   1/1

Impossibilities- Clint/Nat but with Pepper/Maria/Darcy and Jane - Natasha is pregnant?   1/1

Wake my spirit Cold - Clint/Nat - Christmas throughout the years -    1/1

(We could be) infinite - Clint/Nat - ENDGAME FIX IT. The soul stone split in two. No one dies.    1/1

I am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt - Clint/Nat - ENDGAME FIX IT. Natasha dies but is alive in a multiverse. Clint dies in the alternate. They meet in the middle.     1/1

Sugarfey @sugarfey

Chrysalis - Natasha - this is how it goes and how she came to be.  Ashes series  1/3

A walk on part in the war. Natasha - Drakovs daughter is ‘saved’.  Ashes.  2/3

World on Fire - Clint (/Natasha) Clint has a history and can play the guitar.  Ashes   3/3 - my favourite part.

First Name Basis- Clint/Nat - getting to know you.    1/1

Right where I used to be - Clint/Nat - it’s Natasha’s birthday, Clint uses this to get to know her better.    1/1

Once was lost - Clint/Nat - slow burn, Natasha offers herself to him once.    1/1

Expresso is not an option - Nat/Maria - ‘you could destroy shield in a heartbeat, couldn’t you?’

Thursdays Child - Nat/fury - fury mentors Natasha-from afar.    1/1

Shelter - Clint/Nat/liho/lucky - Lucky puts one big paw on Natasha’s knee and looks at her as though she hung the sky with pizza -   1/1

Almost home - Natasha - find a mooring and settles -    1/1

Long spaces 3/3 - Natasha/Clint - natasha and Clint fit together - all the broken pieces. .  3/3

Inkvoices - @inkvoices

Smile for the living - POST ENDGAME - Natasha is brought back.     1/1

In deed- Clint/Bucky/Nat. In which dogs and deeds are discussed.    1/1

Driver chooses the music. Clint/Nat - get in the car.

On Names - Clint/Nat- she goes by many names -  1/1

AlwaysLera

Fallout Patterns - what happens when your mind is a nuclear bomb? Nat/Clint - sex is not always sex when trauma is as deep as hers -   14/14

Breathe me with your hands - Clint/Nat - navigating sex -  1/2 One Red Thread Series- Nats pov.

Hold you by the edges - 2/2 One Red Thread - Clint’s pov.

Ghosts that we knew - Clint/Nat - aftermath of the avengers. Natasha navigating the world when Clint safewords out. 15/?? Unfinished.

How the day sounds - Clint/Nat - thanksgiving throughout the years -     14/15 (?fluffy)

You were a kindness - Clint/Nat - a perfect look at the trauma of being brought in. Let herself be nothing but a branch. Let herself be nothing but stardust. Stardust could not be hurt. Stardust could not be used. Stardust could not be held.    1/1

Crashing, understanding, blinding, tumbling - Nat/Tony - plane crashes - tony takes care of Natasha whilst blinded -    1/1

Two plus two is five - Clint/Nat - how do you test a concussion? Two plus two is five in large quantities of two.   1/1

Into the dark (song fic) - team after harrowing mission watch Clint and Natasha dance - 1/1

The ocean carry you home - team- pepper is pregnant, Natasha doesn’t cope well with the news. Yellow blue bus.    1/1

Enigma731 @enigma731

Something just like this - Clint/Nat - Clint is depressed. Natasha doesn’t know how to help.    1/1

Going to the Chapel. Clint/Nat - get married in Budapest and have sex.

September - Tony/Nat bonding - Tony makes a memory machine to cure ptsd, Natasha helps.   1/1

Everything Costs - Clint/Nat- Natasha keeps getting hurt on missions, Clint wants to know why.  1/1

That’s way you showed me (I wasn’t quite so alone) - Clint/Nat - 3 christmas’ -    1/1

Prompts (some lovely short 1 shorts) - team assorted -   13/?

It starts with Time - Natasha - Natasha goes looking for her family -   1/1

The war I can’t win - Natasha/Clint - Clint gets injured. Natasha is his support.  1/1 (it mentions Occupational Therapy this is a winner)

We are not shining stars - Natasha/Laura + Clint - Clint dies (fair warning) it’s all Natasha can do to cope.    1/1

Unpack your heart - Clint/Nat - in the beginning they left post it notes -   1/1

Hearts and Bones and Blood - Natasha/Clint - Clint saves Natasha from mental health services when she first comes to shield. Because sometimes she gets lost in her own head.

What Girls are Made of - Nat/team - 5x Natasha has unconventional means of flying.    1/1

Ghost Towns - Clint/Nat - Natasha has memories implanted in her head, shield medical and Clint try to help.   1/1

The glass parade - Steve /Natasha - he watches her become different people.  1/1

Slipsthrufingers

Cleanliness Is Next To… - Nat/Clint- Or Five Memorable Showers Clint Barton and Natasha Have Had, and One Time There Was a Bath Instead. -  1/1

The more you know - Clint/Nat - this is what they learn first (or Natasha is not what is written in her file) -  1/1

Perspectives - Nat/team - perspective and interpretations; what do you see?

OracleGlass

safe as houses - Clint/Nat - what makes them go to a nonshield safehouse?

The clutch of circumstance - Clint/Nat- he helps her start. 1/1

Ranni

Voluntary Procedure - Clint and Natasha agree to be mind wiped. The others are not happy - Clint/Nat/Team 6/6

Stronghold - Natasha and Clint shut down their various safehouse. Clint/Nat (team) 1/1

Spy Vs Spy (recced by Anon) - Clint & Coulson & Natasha - Natasha Romanov was the most beautiful person in the room and nobody asked her to dance. 2/2

Paperairplanesopenwindows @paperairplanesopenwindows

On the first day of Christmas - Clint/Nat/Laura- Laura wants to celebrate, Clint and Nat aren’t so sure - 1/1

A little to the left - Clint/Nat/Laura - she’s Natasha but a little to the left (POST ENDGAME) -   4/4

Family Togetherness Time - Clint/Nat/Laura - Steve gets concerned about Nat and turns to the people he thinks can help. 3/3

Eauline

In every lifetime I choose you - Nat/Steve - Natasha gets captured to get to Steve. 11/11

MillyVeil

Burn baby, burn. Clint/Nat - Clint saves Natasha from heatstroke. 1/1

Teamwork - Clint/Nat - fuck or die, Clint’s not ok but Natasha is. He doesn’t understand. -   2/2

Other people - Clint/Nat- she’s up for some monkey sex until she’s not.    2/2

altheterrible @altheterrible

Shining white in the sun - Natasha - Clint dies, Natasha tries to cope. She doesn’t do it very well. 7/7

tastes - team - different tastes in points in time - 1/1

strix_alba

places to go, people to be- Natasha - Natasha gets to decide who she really is after the fall of shield 1/1