#btw I say this is always male doctors BECAUSE IT IS. I’ve only had one instance of a woman doctor brushing me off and making assumptions

[fawn-paws]

I fucking hate men I fucking hate men I fucking HATE MEN its always male doctors that do this!! Always!! They don’t listen to anyone, even other doctors, they make assumptions as soon as they even see your goddamn name and then waste your goddamn time. They are so fucking stupid. This man. I went in for an EGD AND a colonoscopy to look at EVERYTHING including signs of celiac disease but also yknow just in case there’s anything else wrong with me AND HE DIDNT EVEN LOOK AT THE CILIA. THATS WHAT I WENT IN FOR IN THE FIRST PLAAAAACE and he was like yeah theres no sighs of infection or weird bacteria ur perfectly healthy ur just constipated and ur stomach is getting upset bc ur constipated. Like broooo lmao lmao okayyyy yeah I’m having severe reactions to foods for no goddamn reason even when my entire system is empty lol makes sense hahaha lol bro come on I shitted my guts out and went under for nothiiiiing and ALSO it’s a 20,000 dollar procedure that my insurance SHOULD cover but its like not going through so that’s so funny that’s like soooo funny hahaha lololol XD I’m laughing so hard right nowwwww heee heee hahaaaa :) hehe!

[shintorikhazumi]

I Have Two Sisters?! Chapter 1: Three Sisters and The Bastard Father (An LWAxRWBYxStarira Crossover)

A/N: What’s crazier than me writing a crossover I can’t get out of my head at 2am while still having multiple wips?

Writing a three-way crossover until 3am!!! (Ended at nearly 5am tho)

GAHHHHH.

Btw, this is a non-magic au. So Diana has no magic, and Weiss has no… semblance. Yes. Because the world of RWBY always goes “???!! OHMG, magic?!” Quite ironically. They become impressed at people turning into birds, but never flinch at Ruby who can separate herself on a molecular level. Sure.

I’ll be updating this sporadically, tbh. The updates will be as random as the coming of this idea. I do like it a lot, so I look forward to working on it. Just have to prioritize the wips.

[DO CHECK OUT THE END NOTES FOR SOME OF THE AU DETAILS AND BACKGROUND]

Still, I couldn’t let the concept pass me by so…

Enjoy?

~Shintori Khazumi

  I Have Two Sisters?! Chapter 1: Three Sisters and The Bastard Father

  The wind blew strong outside, rain water cold against her bleeding cheek. The numbness was her only relief from pain nowadays. She’d lost count of how many bruises she’d gotten this week. If only her mother hadn’t passed… If only she hadn’t had a bastard of a father.

Then maybe Diana’s life would have been much better than the shell that it now was.

He left her and her mother just as she turned three, the only support she got in the form of random gifts and her financial needs. Her father was nothing of a father. The man that… helped make her was never there. He never showed he cared. Everything he gave her felt obligatory. She hated it. Heck, she didn’t even know his last name, much less remember what he looked like. She did try looking it up at some point, but it seemed as if he was some kind of bigshot she couldn’t name.

Neither her mom nor her aunt had divulged his identity, so she had long since drew a blank to the man’s identity. All she knew was that his name was ‘Jack’ or something of the sort. She had long since adopted her mother’s as it didn’t feel right to take the name of a man she never knew.

All she knew was that he was the cause of all her sorrows. That wretched man had left her and her mother to fend for themselves. Even though her mom was of a strong, well-known medical lineage here in Britain, the fact that she had gotten pregnant out of wedlock labelled her as a shame to the Cavendish name, and she had been cast out to a vacation home in the outskirts of the foreign country, Japan.

After her death, however, the women who Diana now saw as practically witches with how cruel and evil they were decided that because their blood ran through her, took over their small land that she and her mother had cried blood and tears to call their own, and exploited the underage girl, believing she might be of some use as a pawn at the very least, for the sake of the Cavendish name.

And she was. For some time, until she had injured her arm, and was no longer capable of becoming the kind of doctor they wanted her to be, her hand slowly losing its immaculate dexterity, becoming constantly shaky, rendering her as only half the worth she originally was, and thus completely useless besides being their punching bag. Quite literally.

Diana Cavendish found herself spending the better part of her life being abused, and hiding in tool sheds, and escaping her dreaded household at every waking moment, just as she was doing right now.

She hardly believed in any religion, but she found herself always praying to get away from this hellish nightmare. She’d hope that even if she only had a jerk of a father, he’d soon realize that she was his flesh and blood that needed saving.

A hard knock came on the wood of her shed’s door. She flinched, no sound escaping. Had they found her?!

“Miss Cavendish? Miss Diana Cavendish? Are you in here?” An unfamiliar voice called for her, bold and confident sounding, but with kindness and worry interlaced. She felt like it was someone she should respond to. The situation felt like it was some kind of divine calling she should answer.

With legs shaking, she stood up, unlatching the bar that held the door closed and stepping out into the now late night that reeked of hot pavement, rain having stopped while she was lost in thought.

A police officer, clad in uniform and raincoat smiled at her in pity. She was both grateful for- and hated- that gaze. She wished it had come sooner, but at the same time, she disliked being thought of as sad and pathetic.

“Your aunt and her family have been arrested, Miss.” Her ears perked up at the voice and the message they conveyed. Looking up from the ground, she stared into the truthful eyes of the cop. “You’re safe now.”

And she truly hoped she was.

  //-//-//-//-//

  “Weiss.”

At the mention of her name from that familiar voice, she rolled her eyes internally, holding in the urge to snap at the man she called ‘father’.

“What.”

Maybe her control wasn’t as good as she thought.

“Don’t give me that tone. I know you hate me, but I am still the one that raised you!”

“You mean, you’re the one that paid for me.” The ex-heiress pointed out. Her father gritted his teeth, frown deepening as he stepped forward in an attempt to exert his dominance.

Weiss only raised a brow in challenge.

“Anyway.” Jacques continued. Weiss would have smirked as he neither acknowledged nor denied her statement, but she felt it wasn’t the best time. “You are yet to turn twenty, and as you aren’t considered an adult yet-“

“But I’m nineteen, father.” Weiss stated, confused, her raised brow now raised in question. “I’m of legal age, to drink even.”

“Not in Japan you aren’t.” He replied with a smirk so evil, Weiss would have loved to slap it right off if her mind wasn’t thrown in a state of emergency, dreading whatever plans her father had. Even if she wanted to do as she pleased, she couldn’t completely go against him as she was at the moment. Their family name was too widespread and known in the business world, and she feared the consequences of running away from her father who currently had her safety- and practically her life- in the palm of his hand.

“What are you planning.” She narrowed her eyes at him, fearing for the worst, but expertly masking that fear.

“I’ll be sending you away, just as you’ve always wanted. I’ve prepared you an apartment close to a school of my choice to pursue the arts as you so strongly desired,” He spoke in a mocking tone. “And I’ll let you have your way there.” He ended with a smile that sent chills down Weiss’ spine. It sounded too good to be true, her dream being accepted like this. It was like a carrot on a stick being waved in front of her, only to always be out of reach.

“What’s the catch?”

“Catch? My, Weiss, my child, are you questioning your father’s benevolent heart?”

“What’s there to question?” Weiss shot back. “You don’t have one, now do you?”

She grinned at her little victory as she watched him gnashing his teeth, clearly seething in anger. Her smile dropped however as he gave her his own.

“I mentioned Japan’s legal age before.”

And Weiss already knew what he meant.

  //-//-//-//-//

  Life in Seishou had been the dream. Her first two years of high school were the peak of her life, she’d proudly say. She had wonderful friends and comrades who battled side-by-side, pushing one another to greater heights, and… she had someone she adored just a little more than friendship allowed. She had never admitted it, though. Then, a school back in Paris, the place where her mother had blossomed as an actress in the past, offered her a scholarship as an exchange student there.

And like she always did, Claudine excelled. So much so that multiple colleges offered her full rides to attend their institutions. Even highly prestigious universities. Her opportunities were broad, her future looking bright-

-And then news came. Her mother had fallen terminally ill.

She had to go back. She had to see her. She had to be by her side as long as possible.

She had to repay her for the love, for the dream she had given Claudine. She had to be the family her mother had been for her in the absence of a biological father she never knew, and the loss of her adoptive Japanese father at an early age. The lack of a male figure in their family was no cripple to Claudine, but she also missed the presence of the man she knew as her papa. She knew her maman missed him too.

So she had to do this for her mother.

She had to… in the event that… she’d lose her soon as well.

God forbid, Claudine prayed.

She had to return to Japan, study and… get a job, find some way to help her mother pay the increasingly expensive hospital bills, their little family’s saved money steadily disappearing.

She wondered if she should just drop school all together and apply for a troupe. Earn both money and experience.

She had enough rapport both in Japan and France. She could probably get enough opportunities, and she would succeed like she always had…

But…

There was something she wanted to see through, going into university.

When she left for Paris, she had gradually lost contact with all her friends, the culture slowly choking her time, eventually disconnecting them from her.

She’d receive and return the occasional message, but… things were different. She knew she’d drifted apart from everyone.

So, when she found out that they would all be attending the same Arts Institute, and when she had decided to return to Japan for her mother’s sake, she believed it wouldn’t all be that bad if she could apply for a scholarship to the same place, and possibly rebuild everything that was slowly crumbling away.

She wanted to be with everyone again.

And though she believed herself capable of attaining what she wanted on her own, she might require a little assistance from a miracle.

…

And a miracle- could she call this monstrosity of a situation that?- came in the form of a letter that had documents that signified she was the daughter of some ‘Jacques Schnee’ currently undergoing some sort of trial, and because of this, some of the accusations led to the revelation that he was neglecting a daughter, not sending support, and now as some form of bribery and compensation or whatever, he had paid the court to shut up about it if he took responsibility for her now.

Claudine scoffed in disbelief and utter disgust.

So this was her damned biological father? Some apparently bigtime tycoon who slept around and left a woman to fight for herself while carrying his- Claudine would suppose she was now an- illegitimate child.

This… was certainly news she’d never have expected in a million years.

She laughed mirthlessly at it all.

Well, at least her financial crisis had been averted. For better or for worse… she hoped it wasn’t the latter.

One upside was that she now had a clear ticket to that university she wanted to get into, it seemed. Her ‘father’ had taken the liberty of enrolling her there coincidentally. At least he could do something right, Claudine guessed.

“Well… I suppose it’s time to pack.” She sighed falling back onto her current apartment bed, staring at the ceiling.

It wasn’t so bad, maybe. Her newfound reality.

“Japan, I’m coming home to you.”

  //-//-//-//-//

  Diana glared at the letter in her hand angrily. There, in neat script, she saw the name of the man who had caused all her misfortune.

‘Jacques Schnee.’

“I want to hate you for as long as I live…” She gripped the paper so hard, creases were forming and the agent currently assigned to her worried she’d rip it into shreds. “What is this garbage? And why am I… Why can’t I… refuse… this ugly form salvation…” She choked on her sobs, a hand sympathetically rubbing her back.

“Let’s get you ready, Miss.”

Diana nodded in agreement.

-----

All her bags now in her hand after being dropped off by the cab driver, she stared in awe at the slightly modest, but clearly high-end house.

What the hell, did her dad just get her a house?!

Regardless of its size, couldn’t he have… like… gotten her an apartment or condo, at least?

How rich was this asshole father of hers? Was money the only good thing about him? Not that even that was necessarily a good thing.

With a groaning sigh, she unlatched the gate, walking up the little pathway. There were small flowerbeds already present around the yard, and decorations were tastefully placed.

It at least looked the part of cozy.

Once she got to the door, however, angry sounds coming from inside made her question that.

-Wait. This was her house, right?

Why would sounds be…

In a panic, she unlocked the front door with the key that came with the letter, bursting through it like a mad man, blue eyes flickering about the room, shocked to see two pairs of eyes, wide and intense, staring back at her with equal surprise.

“Who…”

“Oh, this is just great!!!” One with hair as white as snow exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air in clear exasperation. “Now we have another one!” She began marching around the room, palms rubbing her face aggressively and scratching through her hair. “That little fuck-“

“-Language.”

“Shut up! I don’t even know who you are, and why you were in my house when I arrived. And you say you aren’t a burglar or whatever, but what is up with your sword play? Even if you were using the curtain pole. Are you some kind of spy or assassin the corporation has sent to finally get rid of me?”

“First of all, this is my house, not yours. And you came at me with a rapier!” A silver-gold blonde replied in equal stress. “You could have killed me!”

“I would never!” The first girl gasped with faux emotion. “At most, you’d lose an ear.”

“Umm…” Diana remained awkwardly fidgeting at the door, her usual bravery and confidence lost in the moment of shock.

“What.”

“I- I am simply here because… apparently my father purchased this place for me.”

Two pairs of eyes blinked once. Twice.

Then realization overtook them.

“Did you just say… father?” The golden-haired one stepped closer to her, a lot less hostile, but still aggressive looking.

“I- Um… yes?”

“Father… you say.” The lady with a rapier in her hand now approached Diana too.

These women were frightening, dear Lord. Diana slowly backed up, but stopped as her foot hit the bags she’d dropped in her frantic moments earlier.

“Can you tell me the name of this… ‘father’ of yours?” Rapier lady asked Diana who was beginning to wonder if she should look for a weapon to defend herself with.

“S-sure. His n-name is…”

“…”

“…”

“Is?”

“Fuck.”

Diana was not one to curse, but it surprised her that she did.

But she couldn’t help it, now could she? After all, her mind had been wiped clean as a white slate. A mental block was not what she needed right now, but just about anything involving that man seemed to bring about her misfortune.

At least the hands by which she’d die her early death were from very beautiful women it seemed.

She liked women, at least?

“Excuse me, um… are you alright?” Miss Golden hair was now very safe-looking and welcoming, Diana subconsciously stepped closer towards her.

“What is up with you? I just asked a question.”

“Perhaps, if you placed the sword down, and looked less like you were trying to murder her and look like you were willing to hear her out…”

Diana expected another heated retaliation, so it was a pleasant surprise to see the other woman sheath her weapon, and place it gently on a plastic-covered couch, clearly brand new.

“There. Happy?” She asked, glaring at the woman now gently holding Diana’s hand- and when had that happened?!

With a nod, the girl turned to Diana and asked again. “What is your father’s name. If you could tell us.”

Huh. She was a lot kinder than Diana had initially taken her for.

“I apologize. I can’t… remember at the moment. I- He hasn’t been around… for me until this point. I just… learned his name a few days ago but…” She hung her head in defeat, apologizing all the while. “Sorry I’m of no assistance to you…”

“No, it’s alright. Isn’t it?” The question was clearly not directed at her as she could only hear a grunt from the other side of the room.

“Yeah, fine.”

“Would your father’s name happen to be Jacques?”

At this, Diana lifted her head, another shocker delivered to her, hearing the familiar name, the cogs in her head clicking into place.

“Yes! Yes, that’s it! Jack, or Jacques or whatever. Snee? Shuni? Schee? I don’t quite remember, but something along those lines.” Diana found herself enthusiastic towards the prospect that some of her questions might be answered.

It seemed the other two shared the same sentiment.

“It’s Schnee.” The white-haired lady corrected, eyes furrowing, anger building up once more. “And… THAT BASTARD OLD MAN!” Grabbing her rapier she swung it around, probably to vent her anger. “He set me up! And what’s more…” She whipped her head about to carefully look the other two people over.

“What is it?” Diana said in a voice quite small.

“Seems he had big secrets to hide.” She sighed. Turning to the initial enemy she had, now turned… stranger? She wasn’t sure they were allies at this point, she stated rather than asked. “I guess it’s the same for you?”

The woman beside Diana nodded, expression looking a lot stiffer than her gentle demeanor as she dealt with Diana earlier.

“I see. I can’t believe this situation.”

“What do you me-“

A voice beside Diana delivered her fourth? Fifth? Sixth?- she’d lost count- Shocker of the day.

“Sisters. It seems we’re… sisters.” Turning to Diana, she held out a hand for a shake. “I’m Claudine.”

“I’m Weiss.” Was the grumble from the couch the woman had flopped on top of.

“…O-oh!” Breaking her stare from the hand, she looked into rose-red eyes. “And I’m-“

And the world suddenly turned black.

‘Hello, My Name is…

[Diana Cavendish]

[Weiss Schnee]

[Saijou Claudine]

-And it seems as though…

I have two sisters?!

  A/N: If you’re asking, yes. Yes, Diana fainted.

Here are some details for this AU btw:

I’ve decided to make Jacques a half-Jap, half german.

So all of them have a quarter of that blood.

Diana is half brit, quarter jap, quarter german

Weiss is ¾ german because of her mom, and ¼ jap.

Claudine is half French, ¼ german, ¼ jap.

Also, if you want to know their ages, and their order, I decided it this way, and let me just quote how I typed it out in the raw idea draft.

“Diana April 30 16yro in anime 2017+3yrs (2020) she's 19 too omg jahahahaha (wrote this coz I’m currently 19 and was amused)

Clau august 1, 2001 19 at present

Weiss Currently 19 (in volumes 5-6) may 15th lmao hahsha. Perfect!!

Wtf Diana was the oldest? Hooo boi. I did expect and want Kuro to be youngest tho, tbh.”

Why their ages are pretty much the same will be mentioned next chap.

And that’s how it went. Decided with Weiss being the legitimate child coz Jacques was the only canonically mentioned dad between the three girls as far as I know. Or I just didn’t search enough.

But come on. I wouldn’t pass at the chance to beat up the dude in a fic so… hihi.

Feedback is super appreciated!

Thank you for reading!

~Shintori Khazumi

[sitruunavohveli]

So I’ve been thinking about this for a few days and I’m just going to say it now. I’ve not done any media studies in my life, I studied environmental sciences ffs, so do not expect any sources or scientific analysis. This is just me being so fucking done and annoyed with everything after years of being a fan of things and always been low key ridiculed about my fandom interests by creators and even some other fans and ranting about it.

I’m so fucking done with heteronormativity and queerbaiting. I’m so fucking done with “will they, won’t they” relationships ALWAYS ending with “will ofc, duh” if the couple is a man and a woman and with “nah, don’t be ridiculous” or “wellllll, it could be INTERPRETED that way but… oops, they died anyway so it doesn’t MATTER, does it?” with queer couples. I’m so old I’ve seen this happen many, many, MANY times.

The thing is. I read comments on facebook and twitter where some fans still insisted that Cas saying “I love you” to Dean meant like BROTHERS and “stop bringing that gay shit into everything” and those comments weren’t RARE. Like. If the same scene, THE EXACTLY SAME SCENE, happened between a male character and a female character there would be NO PEOPLE saying it’s “sibling love”. There would be no people saying it’s not romantic AND sexual.

(I mean. It doesn’t have to be sexual, but it clearly is romantic. I’d need to write its own post about asexual/graysexual/demisexual erasure and lack of representation in media, because fuck that as well. But this is not that post.)

This shit is NOT NEW either. I grew up with Harry Potter like so many did. (Fuck JKR btw. Despite the author I’m still going to use HP as an example, because that’s easy for me.) The problem is that people are so much more comfortable with straight relationships, straight being the norm, assumed straightness. When you look at a random list of HP fanfiction relationships I swear that the queer ones seem ��ridiculous” and “far-fetched” to most of the heteronormative fanbase. Harry/Hermione is a completely normal thing to ship and “they should have ended up together!” is not a controversial take. Even Harry/Luna seems reasonable. But let’s point out how Ron was “the one he’ll surely miss” or Harry running after Draco for all of the sixth year (“rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy”), or that Remus and Sirius lived and gave Christmas gifts together, and I can almost hear everyone sighing “it doesn’t mean LIKE THAT, STOP MAKING EVERYTHING GAY”.

I’m not just tired of the queerbaiting and never seeing any same-sex relationships between main characters as plausible UNLESS THE WHOLE THING IS ABOUT SEXUALITY. (And yeah, there are SIDE CHARACTERS that are awesome and queer and just living their life, but making a main character queer while they’re just living their life and fighting bad guys and falling in love? Yeah no. Why would we ever want to have that! Why would we ever want to give the idea that queer people are JUST PEOPLE LIVING THEIR LIFE AND NOT JUST SIDE CHARACTERS?) I’m also just as fucking tired of ALWAYS reading every friendship between a man and a woman as a romantic one despite it being completely platonic. JUST TREAT THE RELATIONSHIPS THE SAME. STOP READING THEM DIFFERENTLY JUST BASED ON WHAT YOU ASSUME IS IN THEIR PANTS.

Back to HP. Even the “Dumbledore was gay all along” thing was shitty, because it would have been SO FUCKING EASY to just make Albus/Gellert canon IN THE BOOKS. Just ONE hint from Rita Skeeter on one page about the relationship or possible love/lust between them would have been enough. The MORE shitty thing however was when they asked about canon Albus/Gellert being possibly a thing in the Fantastic Beasts movies and TPTB were like “uhhhh, we hadn’t planned on it…”

Then there was Merlin. Five seasons of destiny and being two sides of the same coin and almost a love confession… until Arthur dies. And Merlin waits him for 1500+ years. (Btw when Rory did the same for Amy in Doctor Who, it was explicitly romantic.) Then there was Sherlock. Yeah, need I say more?

And now Dean/Cas. With just a few additional lines it would have been fine. It would have been the greatest slow burn love story ever. (I mean… it still is for those who see it. Just not explicitly for everyone. For many, many fans it’s still “take that gay fanfic shit away, THEY’RE LIKE BROTHERS”.) My lovely bisexual Dean Winchester would have been the bi icon he deserves to be. The growth of a man who for all of his life had to pretend to only be tough and hyper masculine just to SURVIVE and who hid all the femininity and weakness and insecurity and sadness and love under the tough-ass shell, who kicks fucking ass and finds men AND women* attractive. All the jokes about Dr Sexy and Dean’s cowboy thing and gay thing WOULD CANONICALLY NOT HAVE BEEN JOKES.

(*Sorry, non-binary friends. Your representation in media is even more awful and should also be written into a completely different post.)

So I’m tired. And annoyed. And so so so done.

Fuck heteronormativity. Fuck all the creators and TPTB for gaslighting us. Fuck them all for caring more about what conservative white straight cis males possibly think than what their actual fanbase thinks. Fuck them all for making us believe that true representation is possible. Fuck them all for not ever giving us the queer happy ending we deserve.

[aresrl]

Hello! I would like to request a matchup :D! If you are in the mood maybe vision, romantic (male or female is fine), friend and enemy? If not its completely fine, I'm glad for anything :)

I'm an extrovert and love talking to people! Or just listening to them, and knowing more about a person, seeing how they light up when they talk about something they love puts a smile on my face too. I’m super optimistic and always try to see the bright side of things, but when it comes to me I'm insecure about myself. I love helping others and am an honest person (but that’s mainly because im terrible at lying haha you can tell most of the time). I love making memories with the people I love and get exited for the smallest of things. I'm good at giving emotional support and cheering others up. If someone needs a shoulder to cry on, I AM HERE!

Sooo uh I am very emotional and maybe a bit naive. I can’t take critique well (but I’m working on it!) and can be a bit too energetic or too much, I’m a rather loud person. skdjdj. I daydream a lot and space out quite often. I can’t say no, and sometimes it causes me to stress out and not taking care of myself. I often put others before myself. And I have problems with getting really close with a person. I know a lot of people and would call many my friends, but I'm not really REALLY close with any of them ya'know? I love everyone of them, but sometimes I wish I could have someone who knows everything about me and still stays with me, even with my flaws and ugly sides.

My biggest fears are not being enough, people forgetting about me after I die, being alone and needles (I hate going to the doctor).

My hobbies are Kung Fu (hehe I'm doing it for seven years now, still counting), drawing and baking. I love going outside on an adventure and absolutely LOVE travelling. Meeting other cultures and customs is very exiting and I like to learn new things.

I don't like liars. Or people taking advantage of others. It makes me angry.

I like physical affection, be it hand holding or hugs. Especially cuddles! Man I love cuddles. My love language is physical touch.

I'm really sorry for any grammar errors, English isn't my first language ;-; . Thank you so much for reading, I love your blog, and am exited for the result! Have a great day/night! Your blog is very cool btw :D (I just found out how you can colour things on tumblr and had to try out hehe)

Heyo, sweet person! Thank you for complimenting my blog (though it's bad on a computer, I hope I can do something to change that)! Here are your results!

You received... A Hydro vision! Generosity, devotion to people, always helping others, and mastery are the main characteristics of the Hydro vision. • You love and want to help people. • You easily sacrifice yourself: forgetting about yourself and putting others' needs above yours. • You master Kung-Fu. Maybe in-game it would simply be martial arts. Your partner would be... Bennett! Always seeing the bright side! • You are wholesome, and in your life, you need wholesome people. Bennett is one of them! • Bennett needs someone positive, so he wouldn't face his bad luck all the time, and someone complaining about it would make him depressed deep down. • So he loves your positivity: it keeps him going. • You would always support each other. • He'd try his best to comfort your insecurities. •Obviously, you'd always go on adventures together! • Maybe you both would be shy at the beginning, but you would be so kind and understanding to each other (without forcing anything) that you'd get used to every intimate thing quickly. Your friend would be... Ayaka! You both needed the same thing, and you found each other. • Both of you needed a friend to be closed to, ready to accept your whole being, so you learned this together: true friendship. • As embarrassing as it can be, you try to be transparent about everything to be true to each other. • You've got similar insecurities, so every time one is comforting the other, both of you are actually learning. Your enemy would be... Kaeya! Liar, selfish, odious. • You know that he's lying only to get to his ends, and most of the time, you think they're not good. • To you, he has weird interests: making people embarrassed only because he loves watching them at one of their weakest states? What a cursed mind. Worth to mention • Wholesome people really fit you. That's why I see every wholesome character being your friend: Barbara, Noelle, Razor, Chongyun, and Xiangling. • Venti also likes you. • Hu Tao and Xingqiu really love to tease you. I'm satisfied with what I've done here, I hope you're too! The part about you loving it when people get happy when they talk about things they love made me think of this video, one of my favorites, by the way. And I also think that this song I've discovered recently fits you.

[quietmyfearswith]

narcissist {carter baizen x fem!reader} 1/3

narcissist {carter baizen x fem!reader} 1/3

status — ongoing series

warnings — cursing, mentions of drug and alcohol intake/abuse, attempt at angst

word count (without the lyrics) — 1,995 words

a/n — so this is for @baezen’s the other guys writing challenge and my prompt was alcohol is the only constant in my life; the prompt will be italicized and bolded btw ! i was listening to narcissist by no rome and thought that the song fits perfectly with carter baizen and the prompt as well fit well into the story ,, listen to the song here if u want ,, feedback is appreciated and hope u guys have a lovely day !! :> y/f/n = your full name

masterlist | series masterlist

Took a picture of all my flaws

Or you can take a video on your phone

And you know that I would talk

But I'm too afraid to pick you up and go home

The ding of the elevator signaled me to step out of the elevator, and I did with a sigh — frustrated with the website that was opened up on my phone. Upon entering the penthouse, I headed for the master bedroom where the subject of the article is currently passed out on his bed.

Knocking three times, “Carter, you up?” My question was met with silence; despite this I still went ahead and entered his room. Clothes laying on the ground, a few beer bottles and shot glasses on the coffee table near his television, and his keys and wallets placed on his bedside table — the indications of how he had spent the night before; by hopping on from bar to bar and purchasing any kind of drink that had alcohol in it. At least this time he’s alone and not someone he had just slept with.

Approaching the side of the bed, I shook his back that was not facing me, hoping that this would wake him up from his deep slumber. He groggily groaned, turning to look at me with his sleepy and tired state, “Oh hey, Y/N. What time is it?”

I put my down and phone bag on the ottoman that was at the foot of his bed and looked into his walk-in closet for an outfit that would make him look decent and not look like he got dragged and passed around by people, “Well it’s way past time for you to correct your actions since people have already been talking about the stunt you pulled.”

This probably confused him as he sat up and tried to rub off the exhaustion he felt, “Can you be more clear with what you meant with that? Also, I really am curious about what time it is.” Going back from Carter’s closet — which happens to be made of glass and mirrors — and placing the down his outfit which consisted of a two piece Burberry suit that consists of a checkered maroon suit with a matching plain, maroon slacks and laying it down on the bed, “The time now is 9:28 in the morning,” I reached for my phone and shoved it to him with the website I have previously read still opened, “And this is what I meant when I implied that damage control was too late.” 

His shirtless upper body hit the back of the headboard as he began reading the content of my phone, “Spotted, Carter Baizen spending his earned wealth at various bars and clubs late last night. You may have previously known him for being the resident bad, playboy that you see in your school, but now just when it was starting to look like he was getting his act together, he reverts back to how he once was when he was a reckless teenager. I guess some old habits just die hard, don't they? You know you love me, xoxo, gossip girl.”

I laughed at the disgusted face Carter made after he finished reading what had got me annoyed earlier, “Well, at least I’m living my life well. Not compared to this jackass loser who keeps on documenting and reporting the lives of others since theirs is probably uneventful.”

I'm feeling Dazed like a magazine

Finding my own sanity

Wishing it'll all go away

Now we're smoking off the balcony

You're telling me profanities

Maybe it was never okay

“For fuck’s sake, Carter, do you not see the bigger issue here? It’s not just about how there is some loser out there talking about the life of others. But it’s about you how you are living your life! You are now a CEO, a fucking CEO! I don’t think business partners would be eager to make transactions and ventures with someone who acts as if they had just gotten their license and are now going out every chance they can to enjoy this privilege!” Carter looked at me coldly and was about to argue back but I continued to give him my two cents, “On top of that, I  think as well that the frequency of your alcohol, and possible drug intake is alarming, as well. And it's gotten to the extent that I feel like you should be seeing a professional to help you cope with this.”

I concluded my statement of concern and alarm by folding my arms together and looked at him seriously. Carter stood up and headed for the bathroom, I followed him and leaned by the door as he was washing up his face and waited for his reply. He stared at me through the mirror as he was drying his face, “I appreciate your concern, I really do. But I think you’re overreacting a little bit.”

I threw my hands up and scoffed at disbelief, “Seriously, Carter? Do you not recall the various times wherein I had to pick up your drunk or high ass — and by the way, there are some instances wherein you’re both high and drunk — from whatever bar you were misspending your money on.”

He turned around to look at me and crossed his arms — in annoyance, I presume — and fought back, “So what if I get blackout drunk a few times? It happens to the best of us! Have you not enjoyed yourself completely and just passed out from exhaustion from spending a night out? Oh wait, you probably haven’t! Which explains why you’re so fucking uptight!”

With one hand massaging my temples, I managed to remind him in a calm tone, “Did you forget what happened two months ago?”

345, that's where we stayed

She told me I'm a narcissist doing it again

Took a bunch of acid and she told me, "not again"

Now I've gotta tell her that I'm lovin' her friends

345, that's where we stayed

She told me I'm a narcissist doing it again

Took a bunch of acid and she told me, "not again"

Now I've gotta tell her that I'm lovin' her friends

My dreams of riding a unicorn while eating cake was suddenly interrupted when a loud ringing woke me up. Stretching my hand and patting for my phone on the bedside table. Recognizing how I had an incoming call, I swiped to accept it even though I was not awake or aware enough to check who was calling. “Hello?”

“Is this Ms. Y/F/N?” a woman asked as soon as I greeted her, I took a second to check my phone and only then did I notice how it was an unknown number that called me, “Yes, this is she, who’s asking?” My bones had suddenly become frigid in anticipating what the girl on the other end had to tell me. “Well your information was listed on one of our customer’s wallet and we had to call and let you know that Carter Baizen has passed out from drinking which resulted in him collapsing on the floor, head first.”

I let out a grunt as I put the call in speaker mode and got off the bed to throw over a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, “Was he with anyone when he was drinking? And is he unconscious? And what address is your bar, by the way?” I was already outside my apartment and headed for my parked car by the time she had replied and given me the information I asked for.

Curse words and frustrated mumbles were leaving my lips as I was driving around the city, hoping to get to Carter faster and in time to prevent any unfortunate event from happening. Upon arriving at the bar, I was already opening my door before I had even parked my car and stormed inside the establishment.

“Hey, I was called in earlier for a patron who passed out and fell head first?” I approached a girl who was mopping floors near the entrance door, she nodded and told me that she was the one who called me and led me to where Carter was. They were kind enough to move him from the floor and lay him down on one of the booths.

I quickly took in his state — there were a few buttons of his long-sleeved polo that were unbuttoned, there were faint traces of alcohol in his shirt and face, while there was also a bit of blood residue from his head wound as a result of collapsing from the floor. “Thank you for calling me right away and for taking care of him, but I was wondering if you or another staff would be willing to help me bring him to my car?” the girl nodded and called for one of their male employees to help me bring Carter in.

That night was probably the most nervous and anxious I have ever felt; knowing that Carter could possibly be facing health problems from drinking too much and hitting his head. Seeing him this way has always affected me and has made me feel responsible for his well-being — not only because I was hired as his assistant, but because I was the only one who managed to tolerate and be with him for this long time. 

Fortunately enough, the doctor ruled that there was nothing currently wrong with his liver and kidney following his night of over intoxication. But that didn’t mean that he was completely out of the woods; I was warned of how if he spends more nights like this, it could probably lead to the failure of his organs to properly function. To add even more salt to that wound, he informed me about how Carter hitting his head was also dangerous and that it could have resulted in a serious head injury — but that wasn’t the case in this scenario. The medical official also told me that Carter was lucky for it did not lead to any complications and that he should be safe from it as long as he drinks responsibly and moderately to avoid these things from happening again.

And I've been seeing somebody

But I've not found a way to tell you

That I'm seeing somebody

There's not a nice way for me to say that

I've been seeing somebody

You know I want you to be happy

Since I'm seeing somebody

And then maybe we can get on with it

“You know, you don’t need to bring up what happened every time?” He said as he walked past me to grab his clothes and get dressed. I rolled my eyes and sat down on the ottoman as I stared at him, “I don’t need to? That’s where you’re wrong, Baizen. The only reason why I keep bringing it up is because — guess the fuck what — I’m the only person who gives a fuck about you! I’m the one you call every time your ass is too drunk to drive or when you’re high as the fucking clouds! Or if you can’t call, guess who’s name and number you have written down in your wallet? It’s mine! So yes, I bring it up every fucking time since I don’t want you to seize your night so fucking hard that you end up deceased the next day!” I angrily let out.

He was done dressing up by the time I had yelled out my grievances, “I’m sorry that I can’t stop myself from drinking or having a night out!” This unapologetic remark from him just angered me further, “Well then let me help you! Let a therapist or some other professional help you get through this! You don’t have to do it alone, Carter.” I reminded him as I stood up and put my hand on his shoulder, to show him how I was gonna guide him through this.

He pushed my hand away and walked towards his dresser and put on some cologne and began fixing his tie, “No, I don’t want your or anyone else’s help. Alcohol is the only constant in my life; it always has been and it always will be.” when these words have left his lips, I froze up in disbelief and hurt. I was there with him when he was struggling to establish himself as a businessman, saw his struggles and victories, and even outside of work I was the only who cared enough to make sure that he was fed and hydrated despite his busy schedule.

“What do you call me then?” I sadly asked him and this got him to stop his movements and turn to me. However before he could explain himself or go near me, I had already collected my things and headed to exit his room and suite, “Be at the office before 10:30 am, you have a meeting with representatives of the Eichner Enterprise at 10:30. The rest of your schedule will be emailed to you.” 

[not-a-christmas-tree]

i just watched the dallas theatre company les mis here are my observations

IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED THIS PRODUCTION I SUGGEST YOU DO! DON’T READ THIS IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS THOUGH!

so, in case you didn’t know: in 2014, Dallas Theatre Company did a modern interpretation of les mis. i just watched it on youtube (i will link it later, i promise) and took SO MANY GODDAMN NOTES so here they are!

ACT ONE 

(Look Down-WHID)

starting out strong! we got some HARSH TRUTHS ABOUT THE JAIL SYSTEM!! blatant police brutality happening BASICALLY the entire first part of the song. it hurts me. 

note on the cops costumes: they legitimately terrify me and they are dressed in like. full riot gear.

okay so,,,valjean wraps the rope from his bag around his neck at the end of WHID. this is interesting bc, a) he’s trying to find a solution as to what he should do after the Bishop and that’s a direction I’ve surprisingly seen no one take, but b) this part has the same melody as javert’s suicide, when javert is ALSO trying to figure out what he should do after his perception on life is altered. for a moment there, they both are on the same page, the page being suicide. however, only one of them takes that choice.

the above makes the lines (in both songs) “i’ll escape now from that world / from the world of valjean” ESPECIALLY interesting because. in two different ways, they did escape, but they ALMOST had the same conclusion for a brief second.

(At The End Of The Day)

in ATEOTD fantine ends up being the last one working, causing everyone to look at her with varying degrees of annoyance or frustration. She do be hardworking doe

OH SHIT KIDS IN THE FACTORY!! three little kids run up to the foreman when he’s giving daily stipends to the ladies!! (they’re also the last to be paid, giving significant sass to foreman who also sasses back)

Girl #5 mockingly calling fantine “innocent sister” when 5 is white and fantine is a WOC...that’s kind of interesting given that that can be read as SERIOUS racial profiling on 5’s part

foreman looks like bob’s boss in the incredibles but like. tall lmao

(I Dreamed A Dream)

her look of like,,shock-but-not when everyone from the factory exits and she takes off her bandana,,,that. that is good acting

her transitions from chest to head voice are so good

i’m kinda sad she isn’t younger?? or just. doesn’t look super young bc fantine is supposed to be like. early twenties. she’s not 45 and had a decently long life before she died, no, she’s young. she was taken advantage of. that’s the whole point. but that’s sUPER little like this lady is way too good

she has the perfect mix of sadness and regret plus anger and shameless hope. like. kudos to you allison blackwell you’re a dope fantine 

the cry on “killed the dream i dreamed” brb sobbing

(The Dock Scenes)

MALE PROSTITUTES I REPEAT!! MALE PROSTITUTES!! (no idea what wig he’s wearing tho. he was done dirty in the wig department) 

oh male prostitute is prostitute #1! 

oh damn there is. lady def on some bad drugs with her kid passing behind fantine on the bench. ouch.

hoo okay they did n o t censor lovely ladies!! (mini note: camera person has the camera down an AWFUL LOT on these docks scenes lmao)

there are cops on the docks. gross.

(Who Am I-Confrontation)

OH SHIT THEY HAVE A FALSE JVJ IN THE BACKGROUND OF WHO AM I 

jvj comforts not-jvj for a second!! (money note was FANTASTIC btw)

fantine being WOC and DYING in a modern hospital also is,,yeesh because. you know. racist doctors. 

jvj cries after fantine dies JUST STAB ME NOW OKAY—

confrontation is really funny when u see that javert has a GUN and jvj has A CHAIR

JVJ DID THE LIL RUN ON “live within my care” YAAAAY

(COAC-Master Of The House)

oh boy baby cosette,,so small,,so pure plus classic baby head shake when she sings I STAN

MADAME T LOOKS—OH GOOD GOD

DID SHE SPIT ON MY BABY--

cosette: “please do not send me out alone—“ madame t: “oooooh my gOOOOOD” omg 

what the fuck is thenardiers hair i—

WHAT THE FUCK IS THENARDIER IN G E N E R A L

random idea regarding thenardier’s prison tattoo: he has the same number on his chest that jvj has. Meaning he was in jail too. so why isn’t he as messed up as jvj? i wanna say maybe he was in for less time, but like. I doubt it. However, he has a whole ass gang. did the thenardier gang break their boss out of jail? please say yes 

him listing things for baby éponine to charge i love it

OH MY GOD THENARDIER FLAUNTS HIS NUMBER WHILE JVJ DOESNT!! jvj hides his past because he believes it will get him into better places (it does, he becomes mayor for god’s sake) while thenardier shows off his past with stubborn pride. while thenardier cheats his way to success, jvj lives an almost honest life where he ultimately suffers due to the stress all the hiding he does gives him

i love that éponine looks like neither of her parents,,,madame t got around huh? 

(The Bargain)

I JUST REALIZED THE STAGE HAS A CATWALK DOWN THE CENTER INTO THE AUDIENCE THAT IS THE COOLEST OMG

Instead of madame correcting thenardier on cosette’s name he asks cosette herself which prompts the CUTEST ANGRY YELL OF “it’s cosette!” I HAVE EVER SEEN

also thenardier fuckin MANHANDLING cosette i’m DYING

JVJ LOVES HER SM I AM SOFTTT

(The Beggars)

omg marius is so ADORABLE i love him

gavroche is a style icon

kid holding sign saying “my mom got laid off” POOR BB

i love éponine

that’s it that’s the note

wait a sec was that montparnasse with the prostitute earlier in beggars??

ALSO I SEE AZELMA AND OTHER THENARDIER KIDS PRESENT FOR “turn on the tears!!” THANK YOU FOR UTILIZING THAT LINE PROPERLY

why does enj have a bat?? If it;s not a bat then,,,what is it? someone please help me

marius saves cosette from bad guy gang!! 🥰🥰

bruh javert misses jvj running by like,,,MAYBE two seconds that is hilarious 

jav looks so done when thenardier is trying to get out of this lmao i love it

javert looks so cop-like it scares me

(Stars)

the line “safe behind bars” in stars kind of kills me here because as the audience you SEE the cruelty that the convicts face. you see the guy on the ground getting beaten you SEE the chains around their throats and yet. yet javert still somehow thinks that putting jvj in jail is safe? i think the thing to focus on here is not whether it’s safe, because it obviously isn’t. the focus is who it’s safer for, jean valjean or javert?

has it always been “your father” rather than “her father” when marius asks éponine to find where cosette lives?? if they changed it that is SMART because yk. jvj would be ALARMED if he found out he’d been found by éponine but he wouldn’t hurt her. he’s not the guy she has to worry about, it’s her own father. thenardier gave her a job and she’s straying from it, he’s what would endanger her.

THE PLAYFUL BOOP AND SHOVE FROM MARIUS 🥺🥺🥺

(The ABC Café)

“note-ruh daym”

hee hee pretty enjolras

pretty enjolras in skinny jeans even better

OOH we have,,,angry enjolras in this version o k a y

grantaire raises his hand before agog/aghast part omg

“i’ve never heard him ooOOOOh and aAAAAh *excited squeal*

“dan joo-wan” i love texas

bossuet spotted :)

longing gay looks NOT spotted :(

i love enjolras okay but this one is just,,,a little too aggressive. enjolras isn’t just angry all the time, he’s not that one dimensional. of course, there is more of the show to see and i hope he changes a little bit, but so far red and black isn’t doing much for me. enjolras is hopeful, not just angry.

A CAPELLA SECTION IN RED AND BLACK?? I think YES

the amis finding out lamarque is dead has “fuck trump just won the election” energy

okay i was hoping that enj would change his aggression thing when they find out lamarque is dead (bc that’s when most enjolrai figure out what may happen and kinda sober up yk) but. it doesn’t look like he did. there is hope for barricade scenes

OMG LIL NOTE ON COMBEFERRE GIVING OUT FLYERS TO AUDIENCE MEMBERS: that is fucking pERFECT and yk why?? because it’s a call to action!! it’s less obvious in DYHTPS because they’re mostly singing to each other but later in epilogue when the words and melody is repeated, it’s meant as a call to action! “will you join in our crusade, who will be strong and stand with me?” is a cALL TO ACTION AND THEY ARE HANDING FLYERS TO AUDIENCE MEMBERS—that’s officially the only way to break the fourth wall THANK YOU 

hey fantine doubles as a student i think!!

HARMONIES ARE C L E A N OOOOH

(In My Life-Heart Full Of Love)

okay yes i already love cosette because she plays awkward-teen-in-love-for-the-first-time PERFECTLY. 

book-ish cosette hell yes a cutie

father-daughter forehead kisses 🥺

awkward mARIUS TIMEEEEE

placing marius, éponine, and cosette in a triangle is a MARVELOUS decision thank u for that symbolism

marius checking if he looks good and ép giving him a thumbs up omg

*aggressively tries to sit normally* same cosette

*awkward curtsy* also same cosette 

(Attack On Rue Plumet)

robbery time let’s see how they do this

ooh marius and cosette run off but i can’t tell if they notice gang before running

thenardier fuckin SLICES éponine after her scream

NOOOO HER LIL WHIMPER AFTER BEING THREATENED AGAIN

(One Day More)

this lil part between robbery and one day more is interesting bc i legit have NO idea what jvj is thinking here. he keeps looking between his watch (i think it’s a watch idk) and cosette after she runs off to pack so like. what. is he doing here bc he looks like he’s choosing between two things but i don’t,,know,,what things

red berets on the amis are dope btw

i think marius is discussing what to do with éponine here, which is FUN because we all know why she goes to the barricade in the brick :’) éponine might be convincing marius to go to the barricade knowing this is her chance to die with him like in the book

omg

OMG

OMG

that stomp bit with the students was the coolest fucking thing i’ve ever seen

END OF ACT ONE

act two will be posted shortly :D

[lilith-183]

1.Mafia leader falls in love with new recruit

2. Muse a (me) is a sugar baby for a older man/woman around their 40’s. Muse a has been said sugar baby for a year now and had quickly become muse b’s favorite. As time goes by muse A starts to wonder if they really did love muse b, more than just for the money. But will muse a tell muse b?

3. Best friends fall in love

4.new kid in town falls in love with popular kid

5.new kid in town falls in love with outcast

6.vampire x human

7. Werewolf x human

8. Teacherx student (me)

9. You two where together all throughout high school but as the years went on so did the fighting. It ended in a nasty breakup between the two right before graduation so of course they went their separate ways after. Fast forward two years later muse a (me) is trying to find a new apartment. Muse a finds a very nice one for a good price too but the only catch is they’d have a roommate, no big deal. But what they didn’t know was that their roommate, muse b(who’d you play) is their ex. Will they fall in love all over again or hate each other forever?

10. You two had been best friends since you two where born, you’re mothers had been the bests of friends too so it was basically faith for you two to become the same way. The two of you are now graduated and planning on going to the same college miles away, or that’s what muse a(me) thought. When muse a came to muse b(you) house they saw muse b packing. They didn’t understand why since they weren’t supposed to be leaving for another few months. What muse a didn’t know was that muse b was actually leaving to change. They had always wanted to get into acting and that’s what they where going to do but also a different change. See muse b never felt good in their body and was planning to start their transition while acting on a new show they where just casted in. Of course they had been to scared to tell muse a because they didn’t know if they’d take it okay or not but little did muse b know muse a was in love. The two get into a fight when muse b says they are leaving and didn’t explain why. Fast forward two years later. Muse b made it big as an actor and had fully transitioned. Muse a was now a college graduate and now working with animals. It had been Christmas Eve and like every year the two families spend it together at muse a’s parents home. Muse a though it would be like the years before without muse b but when they come in they see somebody they don’t know and that’s where it all starts.

11. A very wealthy man is a son of a very powerful mafia leader whom had just died (you’d play). So now the man is now in charge and of course they had an inside job of kidnapping young girls and selling them. The man had found a beautiful young girl (id play) and then tracked her down for weeks. When he finally got her alone he took her and brought her back to the palace and once she’s aware of her surroundings he gave her a year to fall in love with him and if not he would let her go.

12. There’s a war starting between two of the most powerful Mafias in the U.S. . Nobody wants it yet they can tell it’s bound to happen. The only way to stop the war is to agree to peace but that only comes on one condition. Muse A (you’d play) is ready to take over their fathers spot while Muse B (id play) had no intentions on taking over her fathers mafia unlike Muse A, Muse B wanted to work on the outside, doing small things that bring in the money also. Muse B’s father has her meet with Muse A to make a peace deal but little does she know with this deal she will be marrying Muse A

13. Plot idea sort of based off of a few fanfics I’ve read lately.

You two have hated each other since your first year of boarding school , the two of you are now in the last year and well let’s just say the hatred has only grown.

Muse A (who’d you play) is the talk of the entire school. The popular rich boy/girl who’s daddy owns banks around the world. Muse A has all of the boys/girls except for one, the one they hate. Muse b. Muse b (who’d I play) is a sweet girl who hasn’t really figured out how to defend herself and muse a’s “abusive” ways.

It’s the first day back and hell they’ve already gotten into a fight but what happens when muse A gets hungry for more than just seeing muse B cry? What if they want more than to just make the poor girls life hell? And what if muse B develops a sense of feelings for the boy?

Love and hate am I right?

I will be playing muse b but I do not mind if you decide to play as female or male! (My oc is a girl btw since I only play girls!)

14. 50 shades of grey plot

15. You two are patients at a hospital. Muse a (me) is a quiet girl who was abused and sold by her parents for drugs. She keeps to herself and usually never talks unless it’s to her doctor. Muse b(you) has some sort of sickness (you can pick) and has been watching muse a for some time. Muse b finally gains the courage to talk to the girl and soon realizes she needs saved but can muse b save her?

If you like any of these please message me! Even if you don’t we can always come up with something else!

[kinetic-elaboration]

August 13: 1x10 The Corbomite Maneuver

So I watched The Corbomite Maneuver with my mom and B together today. It was interesting... Tbh I would almost rather watch each ep twice with each of them alone but I figure there’s no non-rude way to say that lol.

At any rate this is one of my favorite episodes. Heck I should just rewatch it by myself lol.

Bailey’s out here in the wilds of undiscovered space ad he’s complaining lol, way to make a first impression.

Spock’s so intense in this early episodes. He likes to raise his voice a lot.

Oh no, it’s.... a windows screen saver!

That sounds mocking but I love the little floating space buoy.

Uh, Sulu, steer around it.

Spock: “Lol why are you yelling??”

Spock in the Captain’s chair: hot.

Kirk working up a sweat: also hot.

Pre-Chekov, the Navigator seat was definitely cursed.

Love how Kirk doesn’t even bother to put his shirt on when he walks out of medbay. Such gratuitous nudity.

McCoy and Kirk are so good in this episode. I feel like people put too much emphasis on McCoy’s grumpiness--he is and you can see that, but he’s also rather sweet and funny. “I’m a doctor, not a moon shuttle conductor.” “I’m going to start talking to myself.”

Kirk walking through the hallways: Lady Gaga plays over the PA system.

(This is a walk walk fashion baby reference.)

Is changing first really necessary? This is an emergency situation.

But of course he doesn’t bother to totally put on the shirt before he calls Spock.

“Have you considered getting your adrenaline gland removed?” At least Sulu appreciate Spock’s humor.

Scotty: I don’t know what’s going on here. And that’s my report.

“I’ll take that into consideration... when this becomes a democracy.”

Twenty-fourth century staff meetings: still a drag! Sulu literally falling asleep at the desk.

“And you don’t recommend sticking around.” Come on guys, laugh at the Captain’s joke! (He’s such a nerd omg.)

The infamous Emotional Security Scene... Honestly Spock don’t you know the main job of a First Officer is to provide emotional security?

Also they’re in love just fyi.

“Gentleman, do your homework, or I shall send you to your rooms.”

He demands the best from everyone but no one more than himself!!!

If Bailey was promoted too fast then how did 22 year old Ensign Chekov end up with the navigator position?

GREEN LEAVES? FOR A MEAL?

Lbr a male yeoman would be no easier for Confirmed Bisexual Captain Kirk.

A red alert! Excellent excuse to abandon the salad.

I gotta say I still don’t know what that big-ass ball is? A planet? A ship? A space station? I think a space station. Anyway it looks too much like a virus for me.

Kirk introducing the Enterprise as an Earth vessel... ah the good UESPA days.

I adore this Kirk speech. It’s really the essence of Star Trek to me. The core of the utopian vision of traveling out into the unknown with good intentions and goodwill and optimism and hope. We want to meet new beings and make new friends. And when we have misunderstandings, we continue to believe that our core good faith will be reciprocated. I’ve just been really disheartened by all the bad faith in the world, and it makes me value good faith more and that’s what Kirk and the Enterprise crew always had, and it’s so soothing.

Also this is the speech Simon P/gg literally just wholesale stole from so there is that.

Sulu out here doing two jobs because Bailey’s asleep at the wheel.

Well at least Spock’s enjoying himself, learning new things.

Bailey, go to your room.

“Jim, it’s time for my allotted single use of your first name.”

This is another good K/S moment though!! Their connection! That “I’m sor--” Fuck that’s good shit.

Bones, breaking out the threat of making notations in the official record again. That really is his main weapon and I love that.

“Bones, you’ve given me a great idea--poker!” Kirk’s so smart. I love him so much. I don’t have anything deep to say I just adore him.

WHAT

WHAT

I COMPLETELY FORGOT THIS WAS IN HERE. RANDOM SAREK REFERENCE I’M???

Like.... my mom and I are still talking about this. He’s just gonna interrupt the crisis to be like “hey this random alien reminds me of my father, who was also distant and authoritarian and a little scary but whose approval I desperately seek to this day.” And everyone’s like “weird?” and Spock’s like “my dad’s great though even though I haven’t spoken to him in nearly twenty years.”

Did Sulu set that countdown up himself?

More K/S flirting. “You interested in poker, Mr. Spock? I’d.... love to teach it to you.”

A great Sulu expression there.

Kirk’s really having fun now. At least he and Spock are having a good day.

“I hope I’ve satisfied your curiosity, SPOCK.”

Janice is so underrated. Using a phaser to make coffee.

Scotty just wants a BREAK lol, give him and the ship some REST.

Another thing I love about Kirk is that he never hesitates to do whatever he has to do to save other beings. Ever. There is no question that if the alien is in distress, he’s going to save the alien. And Spock seems kinda surprised at this but like he really shouldn’t be? He is himself a pacifist who cares deeply about protecting life.

Taking Dr. McCoy to take care of the aliens and Baily to learn some stuff.

“Captain, permission to--” “Denied.” Wow, rude.

Spock just wants to see the aliens.

“I need you here” tho??

This is one of the few times they actually discussed what they were beaming into lol.

Lol @ McCoy not feeling adventurous.

What a decadent little alien.

I’d actually forgotten about the puppet face... I’d only remembered what the real alien looked like, not that he had a fake persona. I find it a little weird that he thought he knew enough about humans to know what they would find scary or not--I guess he might have been able to tell by looking at them when they did get their connection going, that they were much bigger than he was, at least.

Spock would have LOVED this opportunity to check out the alien ship.

I love the ultimate Lesson of the ep but I also can’t BELIEVE Kirk is out here just giving away Starfleet officers.

So... I get that the distress call was fake because he wanted to test them--a test Kirk passed EASILY btw--but was the rest of it real? Did he really take offense at their destruction of the buoy? What is the point of the buoy? (Because it really did seem designed to keep people away.) Was he really going to kill them, or take them prisoner? Is the First Federation real?

Like many other Star Trek episodes, it leaves a lot of questions for further consideration.

I like to think the First Federation is real and that Balok was just on the outer edges of THEIR space (hence why he’s all alone) and that eventually the First Federation and the United Federation become friends, perhaps with Bailey as Ambassador.

Also it’s way too late and I’m still hungry and so I can’t really unpack this but...there’s also the whole question of how Kirk sees himself in Bailey. I mean there’s a lot to contemplate in that. I didn’t think Bailey was all that tbqh and he also wasn’t what I picture young Kirk to be (not nerdy enough) but he was obviously included to give us yet another aspect of the Captain, in what my mom rightfully pointed out was his big introduction (considering this is literally ep 2 in production order).

Next up: The Menagerie Part One! Some good old Pike action.

[toycarousel]

some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we��re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

[alittleoptimistic]

Favorite Character Tropes as Wish Fulfillment?

I wrote that title after I analyzed this stuff because I realized a thing about myself I was unaware of. I always get attached to the Same Character. Like, they are literally the same person in different stories. And I want to know why. So I did a little digging and thinking and all that good, good stuff. 

Here are a few examples of my typical favorite character

Charlie from Lost

Virgil from Sanders Sides

Philip from Travelers

the Doctor from Doctor Who (specifically 10)

Klaus from Umbrella Academy

Stiles from Teen Wolf

Riley from Sense 8

Cisco from Flash

Peter Pan from any version of this story

Jim from the Office

Peter from Heroes

Merlin from Merlin

Will from Hannibal

Felix from Orphan Black

Chuck from Chuck

Josh (the werewolf ) from Being Human

Jessica from Jessica Jones

Castiel from Supernatural

Loki from Marvel

Skylar from Heroes

Sherlock from Sherlock

Zuko from The Last Airbender

Killian from Once Upon a Time

I could probably find more but you get the idea

General similarities seem to be:

out of 23

21 are male?

15 have some type of addiction/problem they have difficulty controlling? (drugs, attention, adventure, eating people, killing people, ya know, etc)

17 have a secret

‘neuro-divergent’ in some way? (ADD, PTSD anxiety, depression, something? the kids are not alright)

All��23 have grey morals (probably chaotic good-ish? they all would break the rules for a good reason or get what they want)

19 have a crappy homelife/large tragedy in the past

20 have ‘superpowers/special ability’

18 are physically weak in appearance

18 are Underdogs, underestimated but actually powerful/very intelligent?

7 have a redemption arch

17 have dark hair lol

18 have a sarcastic, sense of humor

14 talk too much

mostly white in one form or another :/

So... why?? Why do I tend to like these characters more than others?

male. I am female and there are a few female characters that I LOVE. They happen, but, in all honesty, they are far and few in between. Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones, Hermione, Rey, Riley, Rory (Gilmore girls) Perhaps it is the way girls are often written? I like Jessica Jones because she is a hilarious mess and I relate. Same with... all of the ones I like, actually. They have that grey-moral vibe of real people, but lack the sexy Cat Woman, I’m-so-bad-I-can-kill-you-with-my-massive-butt-and-boobs?? Thing?? yeah? how unfortunate. They are small breasted or, at least, that is not drawn attention to too much. Could it be. holy moly, ya’ll. could it be I like women characters when they’re written... like people? like. like, as if girls are screwed up humans! not objects?? isn’t that incredible.

srry but not srry

an addiction. now, why do I tend to go here? Its a kind of a painful trope. They always go back, and back and back again to what we know is horrible for them. Perhaps there is enjoyment in watching the struggle and seeing them inevitably win their struggle, whatever it is? The strength to conquer the darkness within themselves and do the right thing. It might just make you think you can conquer your own battles?? Maybe I feel like I can relate in some sort of way, going back to old habits, struggling to be the person I want to be. Year after year of the same new year goals...

a secret. This is honestly just a nice trope and its neat, fun writing. Creates tension, and it is usually connected to the addiction. You get invested in this secret!!! It builds up to the inevitable discovery of that secret and the aftermath and all the reactions of their friends. (merlin, Will graham, chuck, etc.)

Neurodivergent. I think this is just me relating to these people. I have bouts of depression and anxiety and am currently researching the possibility of having ADD (thats a whole new weird thing idek) so this is just something that I think I see in myself.

Grey-morals. Again. This is my moral alignment, shocker. So, again, me relating to the characters. Also, characters that obviously have flaws are just well-written, well-rounded characters? No one is actually Clark Kent. characters that seem perfect either come off as plastic and fake because real people do not act like that, or they come off as kind of creepy?? because they must have some darkness lurking beneath the surface (when this is done on purpose, i actually like this quite a lot. Rose Quartz is an example of a character who seemed perfect on the surface, but as the show moved on, is revealed to be a Real Disaster Queen. she isn’t evil, just kind of a brat, but that redeemed what seemed to be sloppy storytelling because it was realistic)

Tragic past. This is just something that authors give to Disaster People to justify their screwed-up-ness. Course, not all of them had tragic pasts, but something bad happened to all of them (except Jim from the Office I think??, but then again, that is a sitcom...)

Special Ability Again, wish fulfillment. Not even gonna lie. I often feel powerless and out of control, this Freaks Me Out. I think there is comfort in seeing the ‘little guy’ (aka le me) having with a BAMF hashtag

 Weak And once more on Relatable-Station. This is in connection with relating to feeling and looking powerless, but finding comfort in the secret strength these characters have whether through supernatural means, superior intelligence, biting humor, a quick tongue, etc.

Underestimated the cap on this trio. The last 3 points could be summed up as one thing. A weak, underestimated person actually has some secret strength. These characters might just be a coping mechanism I have to deal with feeling weak and overlooked and powerless, whether or not those feelings accurately portray reality. I wonder where those feelings came from in the first place.

A redemption arch This trope is often a result of having grey morals. These also help deal with feelings of inadequacy or guilt in the reader?? It makes you think, if they can be loved, surely I can. (i am really dragging myself in this post, which was not the plan lol but here we are) 

Dark hair/brown hair. I have dark hair, I also wanted black hair as a child and found it very beautiful. Also, I think the dark hair goes with the personality trope as a Screw Up. Not gonna lie, messy brown/black hair on boys and girls, honestly, but the short messy thing, is great. and when they go evil for a bit and the hair gets Extra Messy?? That. That’s. Good. (for reference see: Stiles, Killian, Peter, Virgil, Loki)

Sarcastic my flavor of humor. this is turning into the realization that we do, in fact, like characters we relate to the most. I thought that might be far fetched because I’m ‘nothing like’ these characters, but let's get real. They’re me but as a cute boy or girl.

Talk too much This isn’t me. but This is who I want to be, I think. I’ve always struggled with anxiety about being the quiet one while my brother was so much better at talking, making friends, etc. so this is, again, wish fulfillment. i swear i didn’t think this was going to be this self-indulgent but i obviously was wrong

White They aren’t all white. Zuko is Asian. Cisco’s actor is Columbian American. But that’s... thats a really small amount of diversity. Like, I’m concerned. (when i say white btw, I don’t mean just American or British or whatever, because there are characters on here that are from all over. I just mean overall white-looking for the sake of this analysis) 

So, First Hypothesis: prejudice is very ingrained and even with good intentions, i could be subconsciously avoiding characters that are POC??? If this is all a ‘projecting myself’ thing, then I relate to white people the most? Im sure im screwing this up, but i’m not gonna chicken out and avoid this because thats what I’d usually do to keep from dumbly saying something offensive, but if I dont address a problem, then no one is getting anywhere 

Second Hypothesis: Its been known the fiction industry as a whole has a problem with representation,,, I don’t want to discount me being white, but I don’t think this is just me and my tiny entitled butt. There probably isn’t as much access to that type of character for POC. How often do creators have well-rounded, stick-around-for-a-long-time, flawed, funny, sometimes-problematic-but-well-meaning characters that are also POC? not often enough. Maybe it’s not always on purpose. But because of ‘Diversity Points’, character development might get pushed aside, and then the character’s personality becomes Their Race, which is... a crappy way to build a character? The industry has a hard enough time with diversity in general. Maybe people just don't write POC as that type of character. Which makes characters like Cisco unique. I’ve never even thought about that... Good on you, Flash writer crew.

let's fix this??

need more Ciscos???

 if any POC feels inclined to call me out on my bull or give their insight (only if you want to, of course), pls do.

In conclusion: this was interesting, and it makes sense, I guess, why people like different types of characters if their favorite characters are projections in one way or another of them. I’m not saying that we all relate to our favorite characters, but me, because I have this weird, dozen or more of the same type of character that I love, it might be reasonable to assume there’s something about that character I see in myself or wish I saw in myself? Anyway, an interesting thought. What do you guys think? Do you see yourself in your favorite characters?

This has been an honest essay that got too long. I wish I was as invested in writing school essays as I am in Tumblr posts.

[cannabisrefugee-esq]

chris rock show - euthanasia

The Absurdity of the Euthanasia Discussion in the Absence of Effective Medicine and Social Support for the Seriously Chronically Ill.

Cannabis Refugee, Esq. Advertising / Media / Cultural Conversation, Capitalistic Patriarchal Medicine, Crohn's Disease, Euthanasia / Suicide, Family / Friends, Financial, Law / Legal / Benefits February 15, 2019

I cannot tell you how absurd it is to be seeking euthanasia as the final end to this awful Crohn’s journey when I’m not suicidal and I don’t want to die.  What I do want, all of which is illustrated brilliantly in this clip, is 1. effective medical treatment for my disease, or failing that, consistent access to effective pain and symptom relief, in my case medical marijuana which has been used successfully for thousands of years to ease specifically gut ailments and which use is supported in contemporary peer-reviewed medical literature particularly for Crohn’s; 2. social support with fulfilling basic tasks and the activities of daily living like shopping, cleaning, cooking and the like; and 3. to be relieved of external constraints that make existing as a chronically ill person a living fucking hell and a consistent nightmare, which constraints have nothing to do with being ill and everything to do with being an oppressed person and failed consumer/producer under capitalism and patriarchy.  Constraints like poverty. Fear of (and actual) male violence.  Disability-based (and all) discrimination. Things like that.

But I can’t have any of those things — effective medical treatment, social support, and freedom from oppression — because under the current system those things don’t actually exist so the easiest thing for everyone would be for me to simply disappear or to have never been born in the first place.  Failing that we have euthanasia otherwise known as assisted dying or medically assisted suicide.  Of course, poor and other unsupported “euthanasia candidates” — who likely don’t have $12,000 and the good health and social support needed to have their efforts rubber stamped/make it official — just know and experience this process as good old-fashioned suicide.  Who knows what Chris Rock really thinks about euthanasia for seriously ill and dying people but he’s not wrong to see the absurdity in it, at least under the current system.

In the above clip, we first see a man with an injury that Western medicine was unable to repair and still causes him pain; his ongoing pain and symptoms could even be from the medical interventions themselves including three unsuccessful surgeries in one year.  The man just wants Western medicine to do its fucking job already and he wants to not be in pain anymore; he doesn’t want to die and is not suicidal at all.  Sadly for him, Western medicine either cannot or will not do what it says on the tin so the easy solution for everyone else except him — the actual patient, the person in pain — is to just kill him and get it over with.  The “euthanasia” is performed against his will and is both painful and traumatic but who cares about that?  The point is he’s no longer in pain.  This man has been done a service, you see.  He should be fucking grateful and since he’s dead and can no longer complain or ask for what he really wants, we can only assume his gratitude no one cares.

Next we see an elderly woman who might like some help running her errands. Instead of helping her, the doctor just kills her to put her out of her misery of being not fully capable anymore.  Of course he also robs her, feeling entitled to exact a fee for his professional services.  Man that sounds familiar.  I’ve written before about a middle-aged UK Crohn’s sufferer who ended her life at Swiss clinic after government cuts denied her living assistance including help with her cooking, cleaning and shopping.  With full-time in-home care she was able to manage her pain and retain her dignity which should be all that’s ever asked of a terribly ill, terrified and vulnerable person, but this hard-won and unlikely success was taken from her and (unsurprisingly) she was unable to simply disappear or to manage a retroactive self-abortion.

Is everyone okay with this because I’m not: she didn’t actually want to die but her country, her community and her family caused her to need to disappear. Since that’s actually not possible she chose the next best thing, something that looks and functions the same as disappearing to everyone except the sick person: medically assisted dying.

She was apparently able to convince and paysome doctors to kill her since they didn’t bother effectively treating her and when all she really wanted was some help running her errands.  That this assistance was rendered by wealthy professionals and organizations that could’ve paid for her in-home care themselves if they’d only wanted to was surely cold comfort a cold slice of shit pie and the ironic slap in the face she’d always wanted.  Because sick and dying people love irony.  Oh wait, no we don’t.  In fact, after being sick, in pain and terrified for years I can report that irony pretty much feels like being slapped in the face with a dick.  I can only assume that’s exactly as intended.

The last “patient” in this skit is perfectly healthy but is “confined” by external forces that are profoundly limiting, humiliating and dehumanizing; he probably would like to be set free.  If the constraints were removed he would probably be fine, or at least he would be fine for him, whatever his normal might be when he isn’t tied to a fucking chair against his will.  Instead of being set free, which could be done easily enough, he is beaten to death relieved of his completely manufactured and intentionally inflicted suffering, the entire time saying he doesn’t want to die and he actually wants to live.  To which I can totally, totally relate.

“I’m not dead!  I’m getting better...  I don’t want to go on the cart!  I feel fine...  I think I’ll go for a walk...  I feel happyyyyy”... 

“Quiet, you.  You aren’t fooling anyone.”  *Bonk*

Classic social commentary from Monty Python and Chris Rock that’s funny because it’s true.  I’m not sure it’s effective social commentary though as it seems so absurd it couldn’t possibly represent reality even though it does. These clips are accurate AF actually and whether the creators knew how spot-on they were, these absurdities and sick double-binds are what’s normally left out of the euthanasia conversation; when they are addressed it’s used as an argument against suicide or assisted dying for terribly sick and dying people.  As if something can’t be abhorrent and terrifying and cruel and the better option at the same time.  We have capitalism and patriarchy to thank for that.

Honestly, I am sick to death of these conversations being had and defined by people that are too stupid, conformist and healthy to understand the nuances and realities of the things they are pretending to discuss.  You simpletons.  You absolute fucking monsters. And sick people have other and better things to do than correct these mistakes (and intentional obfuscations) or they are too sick and in pain to even fully grok what’s happening to them and what they are up against.  We also die, and take our experiences and insights with us to the grave, leaving behind the pitiful and inadequate “euthanasia discussion” we see today: one that is incoherent, absurd and patently dishonest.  The fucking dishonesty.  If chronic exposure to absurdity and dishonesty were fatal we wouldn’t need euthanasia because chronically sick and dying people, including myself, would all be dead from that.  And it is actually fatal in many ways isn’t it. I mean obviously.  We are dying from that.  BTW, it hurts.

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

My MtF~H.R.T. Journey -- As Gender Nonconforming, People Still Love Me

Finding Acceptance Where I Though None Existed

     COMING OUT...IT ALWAYS OCCUR OVER AND OVER

     Back in 2018, I initially came out as gender-nonconforming as I did not want to fully convert as I was terrified of my family and being outcast by my friends. My transgender identity keep changing as I found myself adapting and becoming Mira. I was turning from gender-nonconforming and turning into gender-fluid.

     Even now, I am gender-fluid as I prefer to remain between genders. Male when it serves me and female when it comforts me. Since the start of 2019, both of my genders have been active with a case of a-gender to protect my feelings. Unknown to me, I have lived my life as a-gender as I have no set of pronouns and typically refer to myself as ‘they’ or ‘we’. However, since March of 2019...I have converted once more into a trans-woman as I am now on the path to turn my appearance and identity, female.

     To this day, I still call myself gender-nonconforming and gender-fluid as I know I will always have a male and female side, however, my trans-woman side will take dominance.

     MY NEW FAMILY IS LETTING MIRA BLOOM

     Ever since I have came out to the Messinger’s, I have witnessed Mira bloom. Even though I am the same person, I ‘feel’ different now. I feel allowed to act out my emotions, show love and seek family. My whole Transgender nature depended on the Messinger’s accepting me as Mira and since they did, that is why I am writing this.

     I was visiting the Messinger’s as I was dropping off some of my stuff from my old home as Michelle was sharing her day. “I had to take Ryan to the doctor today, we thought he might have a nasal polyps, and as a mom, I was concern for him.” I released a concerned groan as I listened from the stairs, which I was sitting upon. “Luckily it wan’t that, his nose has a deviated septum. Anyhow, I told him about you moving in with us and joining our family, he thinks that is a good idea. Then I told him about your other issue and he was excited. He said that he wants to help you!”

     “Oh?” I ask as I know that I will need all the help.

     “He said, if anyone messes with you, he will protect you. He can’t wait to do your makeup and do your hair...I told him that you need to ask him.” Michelle says as I thought about having makeup and having my hair done...looking feminine.

     REACHING OUT TO ONE WHO ONCE HATED THE GAYS

     Barb:  Your dad and I would love to get together with you. We could meet at a restaurant, your grandmother's house...wherever. Whenever, just let us know what works for you. Scratch Crisco's and AJ's ears for me.

Mira:  I certainly have been needing to have a revisit, and look forward to setting up a time.      Might have to be awhile, I am in the process of moving and transitioning to a new family who has asked to take me in (countless times). They are wonderful people, very loving and have been there for me when my family would not (besides you and Dad, who have came more times then my mother, which really means much to me). I believe their willingness to adopt me as a member of the family is due to the fact that Mitch lost both of his daughters to CF and for two years prior, one of his daughters named Amanda, was the one who keep pushing me to be tested for CF. If it wasn’t for her diligence, I probably would not be here today. So I feel indebted to the family, and I believe it is a way he can properly grieve and hope to save me from the mistakes he made with his own girls. Ironically, I am much healthier with them as they keep me true to my regiment and help with clearing my airways.      They are also willing to let me live my life without hiding an embarrassing secret, which I am certain will nevertheless have me excommunicated from the family. I am not certain how you both will take the news, and if you wish to distance yourselves, I would not be offended and honor your wishes. Only four people know this, and you’ve both been quite like family to me, so I will share it with you, so you can decide if you still want to visit:      Since I was seven years old, I’ve struggled with identity. I have come to a conclusion that my gender dysphoria was caused from being raised in a female-styled family with no male influence, many links to me being female started when I was nine, steroids I was taking for my asthma starting my development on the incorrect path. Teen years were not easy, my actions certainly were not masculine as I avoided sports and sang soprano in my choirs until I was 18 years old, then lowered to alto. With my failing health, and depression from hiding this from my family, and hearing their opinions about transgender individuals with borderline on the violent side, I lived a double-life. About five years ago, when I could not work, my health was crashing, grandfather passed away and my relationship with Ruth failed, I accepted my nature and began converting my identity. I am enrolled in hormone replacement therapy and have plans to change my name and identity once I am fully adopted into the new family.      I don’t press my views on other people (as that personally annoys me); and so I will not be ashamed or upset if you still wish to refer to me as David. However, my identity will be shifted to Mira Carlene Messinger probably by the summer.      It has taken me much will to write this, and again, I understand this is much to accept...it took me a year just to accept it myself. So I expect, and understand that many old relationships will be destroyed by this.      Please let me know your thoughts.      I will certainly pass on your love to Cisco and AJ...they love the attention!

Steve: Your my son and I love you, that will never change! Barb's cares about you. Search your heart; seek Jesus . Remember, your my son. I will not turn my back on you!! We love you. Dad.

Barb: David your dad and I love you, We love you as David and will love you as Mira. We still want to be part of your life and we still want to see you.

 Mira: That is so comforting to hear! I can’t express how happy it makes me, that both of you are so willing to except me for who I am!  I still like to meet-up, catch-up on how you’ve been doing. Hopefully sometime in May would be great! With all my love!

     I was shocked to see that Barb and my biological father were so accepting of my transgender nature. When I sent the message, I watched the message gain a thumbs-down, then a angry face and finally a thumbs-up. This was probably because the revelation was shocking for Barb and Steve that she did not know how to respond. (amended 9-26-2019 — misleading information in article has been corrected after learning family past)

     REKINDLING A LOST LOVE

     Back in 2016, Ruth (Bisexual) and I got into a fight while traveling the Oregon Coastline. We had dated for over eight years and after that August disruption, we called it an end. It wasn’t until 2018 when I reached out to Ruth to talk about my transgender revelation; but did not tell her I was taking hormones and wishing to become female. Today, I sent a message to her to see what she thought.

     I have started coming out to a selected few as I don’t want these people to feel bad when I come out officially in May. It is easier to privately speak to these people...preparing them for my transformation:

Mira:  Thank you so much for reaching out...it means a great deal to me! I just want to drop a few lines to bring you up to date about what is going on. Much is about to change in my life and a few are on board to see me through, and I want to inform you too before I decide to go public about my choices.      So, after long deliberation, I have decided to move from my grandparents place and to Mason county. This move is due to the nature of my health, knowing they will not be there for me, and placing myself in the hands of someone who has experience with treating end-stage cystic fibrosis. They have asked for me to come live with them, and willing to adopt me into their family permanently. For about a year I said no, but have decided that living there is best for my physical and mental health.      The second change that is coming soon is to align myself with my identity. I have been in deep consideration and reflection and last year, I decided to act upon my gender-fluid issue by taking hormones to correct my physical form. As you know, I closely identify as female over male, and my discomfort in my body made me isolated and unwilling to be affectionate. Sorry for the ordeal this has put upon you, since taking hormones...I’ve noticed that it is so much easier to be comfortable with myself and have became deeply empathetic. It is wonderful!      If this makes you uncomfortable, I apologize and totally understand your feelings and respect any decisions you make. I     f you are willing to continue our relationship, I would like to start over! I know the past two years had some strain and I hope my choices will help us become closer. This experience has been hard upon me as I fear losing people I love, but I think it is time. I have came out to my new family to see what they think and they fully support my decisions and will help me convert over time. By summertime, I hope to leave my old life behind and become Mira Carlene Messinger.      Let me know your thoughts.      I’d like to set up a time for us to see a movie, there is a sad one about cystic fibrosis in the theaters right now. I’ve read the book, it was well written and hauntingly accurate. We could wait and see Avengers Endgame. Maybe this summer we can take a few day trips until we feel comfortable to take longer ones. Love you!

Ruth:  Hi Mira, I must say I am in awe of your courage in embracing who you are. I must also say you were right about me in noticing the characters I identify with are primarily male, and I have suspected for awhile that am either bi-gender or identify as male.

     For the time being, I'm staying physically female, but I am absolutely willing to both continue our relationship and start over.

     Once you admitted to me that you are female, it was like the whole universe aligned and everything just made sense. I would love to see a movie with you, and have been wanting to see both the CF one and the Avengers one.

     I'm dog sitting at the moment and am enjoying the time to be the alpha male I am inside. BTW, if I had been born a man, my name would be Timothy. As things stand now, I identify as both Ruth and Timothy, although only you, my sister, and my shrinks know that.

     I love you, Mira, and am excited to date my new girlfriend. Much love,      Ruth/Timothy

Mira: Much love too Ruth/Timothy...I love that name, very pretty. Be curious to hear about it!

     Sorry my last message was rushed, was talking with my soon-to-be family; been busy planning my room and needs...it is all rather exciting!  Just wanted to acknowledge your wonderful comment.      I certainly love you, either as Ruth, Timothy or both! And I wish to express my sincere gratitude that you shared this with me.      I always was pleased that you played the masculine role in our relationship...and it comforts me to start anew as your girlfriend.      It will take some time to conform, but from what my mom and dad say, looks like I am conforming quite well...even my moms 13 year old daughter is going to help me adjust...and I can always use advice along the way.      I can’t express how excited for our first date! As Mira, my world has open...it is amazing and I can’t wait to legally take the name!      Have fun dog sitting my young Alpha and I look forward to even possibly sharing our first kiss.      Let me know when you are free sweetheart!      Mira

Ruth: I will be done dog sitting on Monday. On Tuesday I work at L'Arche, but I am free all other days. As for my male name, the story behind it is quite simple. Either ultrasonic imaging hadn't been invented yet, or my parents chose not to know my gender right off the bat. My parents each chose a name for me. Dad chose Ruth Ann if I was a girl, and Mom chose Timothy John if I was a boy. I feel like both

Mira: Oh...that is so awesome! That is so wonderful that you have both of your given names! You are blessed to have such a loving mom and dad! They are great people! My schedule is pretty free, will be gone the weekend to clam dig and then gone the third weekend. I have my facenra injection on the 19th, digging clams 20-24th at Ocean Shores and see my transgender physician on the 26th for the first time. Anytime next week be wonderful!

[thatmcavoybeard]

Hi! :D I was wondering if you have kind of a list of all your alters, their names and their characteristics, and I also would like to know with which one(s) you are running this blog? :) If you dont want to answer this because its to personal thats perfectly fine :} (I btw tried to get this information on your did/private blog but they apparently cannot be found? Idk, maybe it's just my connection or whatever) Much love from Germany!

Hello there!

Thank you so much for being patient with me! I've recently moved house so I didn't have any internet until now! ❤️❤️❤️

Oh damn, yes I deleted that account due to negativity it was receiving from the DID community, (there was this account kept pointing out all of the links to my profiles so people could block me and hate on me, including this one.) So I deleted the majority of them because it was going on for weeks, and I snapped on them, so they stopped now which is good. And it was over the fact that I was answering people's questions on this account and tagged DID. And you know how the DID community hates people supporting the movies of Split and Glass.

However! The answer to your question is that I would love to give out some information on my alters! (It's a shame that I deleted the DID blog because all my description was on that 😭)

Well! Who runs this account is the core personality (Me, Edward/Dorian) , I'm 20 year old, I've finished my college last year, I did performing arts! At the moment I'm hoping to hop onto university this year to hopefully do criminology, since that area is something that I've always wanted to do! (Yes I watch Serial Killer documentaries 🔪) I'm dark romantic, I'm a transgender male! And I live in a house on my own with a small cat called Warlock! (We all love cats!) I have an interest in gothic classics and James McAvoy (obviously 😍) and that's everything that I know about me 😂😂 not much hahaha!

Now I have another Edward, he's a mischievous one, he loves doing mischief, he gets people into a lot of trouble (including me) he dresses Victorian mostly, his obsession with the Victorian era is severe, he comes out when I'm normally frustrated or stressed (he has a habit of ripping my hair out), in the inner world he's small and he's slouched a little, he has long hair and a scruffy stubble and his voice is very grufferly and as he types it's capitals! (He's very sexual frustrated as well 🙄🙄)

Isabella, my "Little" shall I call her? She's 11 but I believe she has a mind of a five year old, she has obsessions over teddies and fluffy unicorns, she's very much into pink.. very girly and she loves Barbie dolls. She's scared of men and she's scared of new people as well, she cries when we get told off as she has a lot of self blame unfortunately. She HATES snow like me 😂 and she adores horses! (She doesn't like Edward as he scares her sometimes, as I can hear them in my head)

I have Henry, Henry is very... Should I say "Posh" he's very well spoken and does not like bad manners, it panics him to hear swear words (especially from us as a whole) and those who are around us, he gets easily offended over how many talk about women. Henry identifies himself as a Doctor and a system carer, he thinks we all are precious to him and he has amazing cooking skills! He nurses us when we're ill and he's absolutely friendly! Again, he has an obsession with the Victorian era, he has Victorian morels. (He's the protector)

Katrina , which I don't know much about really, I know that at nights she panics as though this isn't her life and her body she's waking up with, she's a lovely person, she has an obsession over Harry Potter, she's very much into meditation and dresses into her own style. She gives everyone hugs!

Zekael, Zekael has a very strong accent, it's a mixture of French and German?? He hasn't been out for long as reported, he has a big heart... A big heart which was once broken by one of our awful ex's which since he has retreated, he was originally the first Alter I had discovered, he's very much into BDSM/DDLG and pain in general, he's very skilled in Mario Cart (Lol) and he's obsessed with Vanilia, he's a very kind person and would do anything to keep everyone together and keep the peace, but unfortunately for some his intentions failed...

Balthazar, now Balthazar is one of my "Harmful" alters, he's feared by the alters I have discovered (expect Edward) but he's more harmful to us as a whole. Unfortunately, he's in what you call a PTSD land, he blames me.for the traumatic events that I went through, he has tried to kill us off completely a few times and ended up in dangerous situations, he smokes cigarettes (which I don't) to ease the stress, unfortunately he has a habit of punching walls out of anger. He's very loud and very troubled, he's not a danger to people around us only if we are hurt. He has an accent of a commoner and he's what I call a "Bill Sikes"

I know I have more than I discovered, I used to have a diary of their full description for each and every discovered personality I have, but these are the main description of them all! And I do hope it answers your question!!

Thank you for taking your time out of interest to ask me ! Hello from the UK! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[amwritingmeta]

13x16: Sometimes It’s About the Journey...

…not the destination. So says Dean Winchester. In an episode that sees him more or less move into the peak of his arc in a spectacular way. I cannot believe how gorgeous it is. Or I can. I really fucking can believe it. And I’m not saying he’s reached the peak, climbed across it and is looking out on the view that is his future and balance and happiness, but hot damn if he’s not almost there.

((Enter: Michael. Dun-dun-DUN))

I wanted to outline how I’ve followed Dean’s journey of self-actualisation since that pivotal moment in 12x22 and the firing of the grenade launcher = self-liberation, to this episode and all the remarkable lack of walls he’s showing.

Throughout this season, Dean’s come face to face with the lesson he’s needed to learn the most: time to drop the mask.

Time to face himself and admit that this toxic masculinity spiel isn’t who he is and it isn’t who he wants to be. If he hadn’t been wearing a mask, he would’ve told the man he loves how he feels a long time ago. 

The mask isn’t armour to keep him safe, it’s armour to hide behind. 

And it’s bullshit armour that is linked to personality traits he’s never actually believed in or stood behind, he’s only made them part of himself out of a sense of duty that has been warped and twisted out of shape. 

In 13x01 Dean is called out on this by Miriam, who says he’s Becky. Becky who takes things and breaks things, and doesn’t care about anyone but herself. 

And –>

Following this, throughout S13, Dean has faced a whole string of Bad Guys who look like one thing but is really something else:

Asmodeus; wraith whose reflection give them away; shifter wearing Dean’s face; ghost wearing a mask; ghoul wearing the face of a gunslinger hero; two-faced killer pretending to be the good brother; a crossroads demon who comes in peace but does what crossroads demons do; Jack who is innocent of what Dean is suspecting him of; a vampire and a human being in a literal pig mask.

If we see each of these Bad Guys as representatives of Dean’s toxic masculinity - which is the reason he’s wearing his own mask - and each of them pushing him one step further on his journey to opening up to this fact, and letting the mask go, then there’s an immediate pattern here. 

Because Dean may end up killing the wraith in 13x03, but only after we get the visual of the wraith stabbing him repeatedly in the stomach, killing him first. For Dean, this kill is made in absolute fury and self-defence. He’s nowhere near ready to recognise the mask for what it is, he’s much too deep into his grief for that to be possible. He rejects the lesson of recognising this toxic masculinity for what it truly is, and does away with the threat to his perceived identity, because the anger is all he has to hold onto.

By 13x04 this attitude has changed, thanks to Sam intervening. Sam manipulates the entire episode, getting Dean into that therapy session (only for Sam himself to reveal how much he is truly in need of speaking his mind to his brother), but it also pushes Dean’s self-reflection. The thought of catharsis has hooks and they sink in deep, no matter how Dean may reject the idea of it. By the end of the episode he’s admitted the truth to Sam: right now, Dean can’t believe in a damn thing. 

Then we move forward with the Bad Guys, right? Doctor with a drill in 13x05 almost drills a hole in Dean’s head because Dean can’t believe in a damn thing. I don’t think Dean’s suicidal here, I think he simply cannot see the point, so if he dies, he dies. He’s ambivalent. He’s not going to go looking for death, but he’s not going to fight to live either. Ironic, then, that it’s Death herself who tells him to live.

He faces his old idol in 13x06 without hesitation, though Dean, still, is not the one to kill him: native american sheriff with the white hat does that. (and I’d say the White Hat represents the balanced Dean we’re all wishing and hoping for) (and he’s almost in a position to don it) (betcha by golly) 

And in 13x07 he’s finally the one to inflict some pain on the toxic masculinity representative when he shoots Ketch in the shoulder. (I screamed) (Ketch is such a manifestation of a dark mirror for Dean so I kind of love that they brought him back)

By 13x08 we have a Dean interacting with a Charlie-replica. Charlie, who is a highlighter for Dean’s true nature more than any other character has ever been. And we have Dean telling this other highlighter for his true self that she should stay weird, essentially showing how he’s sincerely beginning to open up to this side to himself. (because of Cas coming back) (of course)

In 13x09 we have a huge setback when he realises that he was wrong about Mary being dead, and that old reliable self-doubt and self-hatred comes pouring back in, in copious amounts. It’s strong enough to make him pull a gun and shout in Kaia’s face for her to GET IN THE CAR. Yeah. (I screamed again) (oh the humanity!)

When 13x11 rolls around we get a whole set of our favourite beasties and Sam’s heart (SAM’S heart) is on the line. So it’s poetic that this is the man (and as Ketch, whom he wounded, this is a human man) in a mask that Dean finally kills himself, with a shot through the heart. And the fact is that Dean wearing the toxic masculinity mask does threaten Sam, because it is what informs the codependency, it’s what keeps it so firmly in place. But oh man does it begin to slip now.

In 13x12 we have our first Bad Girl… why does that actually sound dirty rather than menacing? We have our first Dark Female of the season, when we get the twins and Rowena in one episode. They tick the box for yet one more supernatural creature to add to the list: witches. And, of course, we get the epic scene of our leading Dark Female - who is a very strong Dean mirror btw - finding her release and self-liberation. Mind blown. 

In 13x13 Dean is shocked to learn that Cas has been held captive and he had no fucking clue. He sticks close to Cas as they face down Lucifer, who doesn’t faze Dean for a moment, take out Ketch, who will never be trusted again, and find some semblance of a team spirit amidst all of it.

By 13x14 Dean isn’t really displaying any toxic masculine behaviour, right? I mean, he isn’t. If he was happily in love in 13x12, then you almost expect him to burst into song in this episode because he’s so relaxed, working with Cas, spending quality time with Cas (referencing rock and rolling………) and staring down two uber-masculine specimens and getting the giggles over their loincloths. Like… the very image of the male strong rough warrior is actually turned into a joke by how Dean now views masculinity. Honestly. Kill me. It’s gorgeous.

In 13x15 the coping mechanisms are sent on their way for good. I mean, I’m so sure of it. I shouldn’t say I am, but I feel very very convinced that this is the case. Dean has moved far beyond needing them, or even wanting to engage with them. He enjoys food and beer and flirtation and sex, of course, but because he enjoys these things for what they are, not because he needs to take the edge off or find an emotional bandaid. He also looks the toxic masculinity representative dead in the eye and questions his motives for behaving like an asshole. The Boss has his reasons, and Dean can recognise them, but The Boss is a strong Dean mirror when it comes to taking things and breaking things and not caring who gets hurt, because The Boss believes he’s right. Dean is fed up with this attitude from everyone. 

And now then. 

Now we reach 13x16.

more below the cut

12x22 allowed Dean to experience his moment of self-liberation, a necessary step toward self-actualisation (which I wrote about here in how these steps are informing Cas’ arc) (and these steps are also absolutely informing Sam’s arc as well), the brief definitions of which are:

Self-liberation: Recognising irrational thinking patterns caused by unrealistic demands placed on the self and defusing these harmful irrational beliefs in order to lead a happy, healthy life. Self-actualisation: Living creatively and fully using your potentials, driven by a desire for self-fulfilment, feeling finally yourself, safe, free from anxiety, accepted and loved.

So, if Dean experienced self-liberation when firing that grenade launcher in 12x22, then he’s been moving through these above outlined necessary steps of recognising and letting go of the toxic masculinity armour in S13, because to reach the place where you’re ready for self-actualisation, you have to recognise and let go of all that baggage you’ve been carrying around with you.

By 13x11 he’s done believing in the toxic masculinity. It lingers moving forward, because it’s ingrained, but he’s not allowing it to govern him anymore.

By 13x15 we have it underlined to us that Dean taking charge and acting like he always has, doling out orders, is not a good thing. Dean shouldn’t be sole decision maker. That time is over. The reason for the toxic masculinity armour to be worn doesn’t exist: it’s time he stripped the armour off and began to trust.

So, in 13x16 - does he display trust?

Well, yes, he does. One significant moment is when he succumbs to the rules of the world they’re in and allows Fred to play his part, setting a trap that Dean knows won’t work, just for the hell of it, while Dean has his plan B (Operation Bookworm) (FFS) ready to go. This isn’t him displaying control freak behaviour, this is him showing he can be a team player and fucking chill. 

But there’s also a thread throughout the entire episode where he is just… himself. Right? Where he displays honest faith in himself, in his point of view, in his likes being his and he’ll be damned if anyone else’s opinions on these views will make him question them. Jesus, when he quoted Frozen and referenced Elsa without blinking at it, not retracting it or in any way trying to distract Sam from it, I was about ready to hand in the towel.

Especially when he made this face at Sam’s frown –>

(the heart sings with the joy of witnessing this expression)

And we get so much more, like later on in the episode, when he happily shows off the “sleeping robe” and he puts that Ascot on. The final scene and Dean’s reaction to the non-subtle judgment made me think of this one in 4x06:

This bristling at the questioning of his manhood leading to this display of insecure defensiveness (because he’s just been put through the emotional ringer coming face to face with his deep fear of judgment, due to his even deeper fear of rejection, because Good Things Don’t Last, and all of is tied in with a lacking sense of true identity) we get these dimples of discontent:

So, then, what a difference in attitude we get in 13x16. What a remarkable wonderful growth. I mean –>

TRUE IDENTITY ^^^^^ 

But that’s not all that we got from this episode in terms of Dean’s furthered progression, because not only has he faced down a toxic masculinity that has kept him from being himself, out of a sense of duty, believing the only way he could be strong enough to act the shield was to become only the weapon, but in 13x16 he’s also confronted with his inner child.

I was hoping for this so badly. 

(I screamed when the ghost turned into a child) (no I actually didn’t) (I went OH MY GOD!!) (yeah that I did) 

I was hoping for it because it’s the final few steps towards Dean being able to fully let go of the past and look to the future. (it makes me want to weep) (for real it makes me seriously emotional) And look how absolutely magically it’s handled in this episode –>

This moment underlines what Dean’s inner longing is: he just wants his dad. His dad. Not the soldier dude who was a mean drunk and raised him to survive and to protect Sammy at all costs, not that dude, but his dad. The guy who loved Mary more than anything, and who tried his best in impossible circumstances to keep his head above the waterline, the trekkie, the dad who walked into CBGB’s and had grown men go apologetic and self-conscious.

Dean lost the love of his life. He’s in a position now to understand what that does to you. How it breaks down everything you thought you were and turns you inside out. Just as he got to see Mary as an individual, as a person, in S12, Dean is now in a place where he can distance himself from his dad as well, where he can see John as a person who made choices and who made mistakes but who, ultimately, made them out of love, not only for Mary - but for his boys, too. He did what he believed he had to in order to keep them alive. He did what he thought was right. And the deep suffering and his sense of failure crippled him into becoming someone different to the man Mary fell in love with.

And this is the foremost baggage Dean needs to let go of, at least to my mind, because he needs to forgive his father, just as he forgave his mother.

Now this might be as subtly done as his progression has been through the season, we might not get this verbalised at all, and personally I’m just curious to see how and if they’ll give it to us, whether I’m right in this reading or not.

Either way, I think they’re setting up for Michael to be an absolutely smashing piece of exposition!

We also get a pretty significant callback from Dean coming face to face with this inner child of his because remember this moment? –>

This is an underlining, in dialogue, of Dean’s self-view, and it’s one that Dean must put to rest. Because we all know he’s not poison, he doesn’t hurt everyone he loves, he doesn’t cause death and destruction, he is worth saving and he deserves all the love the world has to offer. 

He’s getting there. This tie-back moment in 13x16 underlines it.

Because Becky is dead. Long live Elsa.

In fact, this entire episode underlines this as we watch him freely engage with something he enjoys and he doesn’t for one moment stop simply because Sam is frowning and judging him. He tells Sam off and goes to enjoy himself. This while Sam is absolutely putting his foot down continually, questioning Dean’s decisions and behaviour and calling him out on it. Yeah. 

13x15 set all of this up gorgeously and they are totally building on the moving out of toxic codependency and it makes my insides want to do the jig!! 

The fact that there are traces of old Dean here is more a highlighter to me than anything else.

He doesn’t go for the blonde waitress –>

Barely even looks at her.

Daphne is a trophy he’s set on winning, because, of course, his rivalry is entirely with Fred, which is set up immediately. And that Daphne is a trophy is given to us in dialogue when he says:

Dean: Should’ve known Velma was good to go. It’s always the quiet ones.

But I actually don’t think Dean is engaging in toxic masculine behaviour, not as it’s been displayed this season. He’s a douche. He’s a teenage jock with a big ego who thinks he’s god’s gift. 

I mean, come on, Dean. You’re fucking better than this. Don’t grab women by the arm like that, for example. She will run the fuck away from you to the guy she wants to be with. Learn your lessons, Dean!

Because how he chooses to relate to Daphne, and how she continuously keeps markedly blowing him off, tells us that he needs to grow the hell up already. And, to me, that’s the whole point. I could dig into the symbology and representation that I can see in the setup of the character interaction, but my dudes, I’ll throw it into a separate post.

The point is, this episode tells us that Dean doesn’t want casual, he doesn’t want a trophy.

He wants someone to sit next to him, share a beer and watch movies with him.

That’s what he wants, and the fact that he’s overcompensating for this fact by chasing a pretty woman is entirely in line with how him lusting after a man has pretty much always been handled on the show. 

He wants Cas. And how we close the Scooby portion with Dean stating he should’ve known “it’s always the quiet ones” is a rather formidable plant. 

Well, fingers crossed, of course. I know nothing. I predict nothing. But if they can take the time to draw Dean helping Cas up and Cas reaching out and taking Dean’s hand once he’s done so, and if they can take the time to draw them in synchronisation, then, you know… Cave of Deanitude it is? Joint shares? *mh mh good*

And whoa boy did I love this episode! 

[thedogsled]

Who Tube (Doctor Who YouTube) is hilariously terrible at the moment. You’ve got new fans being gatekept by old fans and then yelling at the old fans and then the old fans yelling back, people subtweeting each other on their channels “Some YouTubers, they know who they are”, people posting vicious rants as soon as episodes end--lots of really really toxic shit on both sides. Like. It’s hilarious--if you enjoy VERY thinly veiled misogyny on one side and blind adoration for progressiveness at the expense of decent writing on the other. If you listen to these people, it’s not very difficult to see where the canon schism between straight white “geek culture” males and anyone with a so labeled by said people SJW motivation come to blows. They both think the other side is just ignorant, and the constant lashing out is just. Wow. It’s really. Wow.

Saltiness ahead.

It frustrates me a lot, because I feel the show has been really hit and miss this season and the warring on YouTube is just another example of how you just can’t discuss this reasonably. It’s not all bad, but it’s certainly been far from all good. Some of it REALLY works, like for example Ryan’s dyspraxia and the decision to explore Yasmin’s character through her grandmother’s story, but some of it doesn’t. I was particularly dismayed today, spoilers, by James I being played through the lens of modern campness by Alan Cumming this week, turning the former monarch into a queer caricature (I know the guy most from his role in Spy Kids, Fegan Floop, which replays ENDLESSLY on british TV). I feel like a lot of the episodes of this season have been simply the characters thrown into chaos, bad guy is revealed to be an alien, then the Doctor gives a shockingly profound, emotional speech that makes you forget how awful some of the other parts were and you go away with ~feels~ and not much else, because all the endings are pulled out of the writer’s ass anyway. Just. That’s how I personally saltily feel about this show this season, like it’s been platforming for a bunch of different writers saying what they want to say about humanity through the Doctor’s mouth. Like she’s ceased to exist beyond her existence as that mouthpiece, and that in some ways the show has too. (just my opinion. anyway.)

But you can’t talk about this stuff. I find myself reading reviews and watching people who like the show and place no accountability on the show beyond being politically bold, and it drives me nuts. It doesn’t matter what form it comes in, so long as it’s pro-feminist, or it exposes people to history they might not have learned in class, or there’s a dude giving birth for 50% of the airtime. If I want to hear or discuss any challenge to those things, I find myself listening to purely negative reviews instead, and noping out when the person suddenly reveals halfway through that they believe that because men aged 18-40 is a big demographic, it only makes sense that they’re the group that are kowtowed to at every opportunity. Like wtf dudes, sorry you can’t hack that other people exist in the world and you aren’t being catered to 24/7 any more. Fuck off. So it’s no wonder the antis feel Doctor Who lovers are all SJWs and the pos!Who people are convinced that the antis are all racist misogynist fucks. (The showrunners do too afaik, and that isn’t helped at all by Chibnall and Jodie both being SO resistant to negativity that neither of them seem to be soliciting fan feedback that isn’t positive.) Is it hard to ask for objectivity, though? For something that comes down the middle? That isn’t racist and misogynistic, but maybe still cares about how the things we’re looking for in terms of representation are being handed to us? How about, at least, not having to listen to some people who are so entitled that they literally think that Jodie Whitaker shouldn’t have shot out any babies so that she can instead devote her entire life to making TV shows? (Seriously, I listened to one girl who thought that, and you could hear her contempt for people who have kids in every syllable.)

I’ve liked episodes of this season. The Kablam! episode was great, I only had minor complaints with the ep that I handwaved away because I felt like there was actually some dramatic tension. I liked episode 2 because it was idk. A fun adventurous romp and the characters all had flaws. I quite liked Rosa because it had the bones of something better, and that showed through in all the scenes where Rosa’s actress (Vinette Robinson, who was also in the Chibnall episode ‘42′, btw what nepotism how many british actors do you think there are?) interacted with the other characters. 

But they weren’t all perfect, at least to me. Maybe I’m a negative nelly, because everyone seems to be tripping over themselves to scream positivity about the show in their reviews, but I, personally, feel like much of it has fallen flat. When they did finally drop - as they’ve been avoiding for much of this season - the ‘If I was a bloke this wouldn’t have been a problem’ thing, it wasn’t even delivered with a great deal of gravity or purpose. Maybe some people think that was a good thing, I don’t know, but looking at the way sexism was handled in Timeless, for example, and hell, Sliders (which was a trashy 90s show about jumping between alternate realities; or Quantum Leap for that matter, which had Sam jump into the lives of women in the past and experience days in their lifetimes), it’s way past the era of TV to deliver that kind of line like it’s inconsequentially drawing attention to something nobody noticed before, you know? Why is the BBC always 100 years behind, despite playing like it’s the most progressive thing ever? Why do we let it, and say “Sure we’ll take it, that’s enough” instead of also insisting they tell GOOD stories, and not wave their hand and say aliens did it at the end of every episode? I get it’s a time traveling series but the aliens show up and then the doctor waves her magic wand and ~science~ and yes she quoted Arthur C Clarke but she can do that and be powerful and tell powerful stories that aren’t completely...halfhearted, and if you don’t have trumped up stupid bad guys you don’t have to have flimsy solutions for beating them at the end.

We SHOULD be seeing ourselves in the media we’re absorbing. I firmly believe that. I also think, though, that we’re entitled to be respected by that media as well, in that the stories we’re seeing that show US should be good stories. They shouldn’t be concentrating on making as many nods as possible to as many corners of culture as possible that it stops caring about the story it’s telling, because whatever politically correct points it scores will ensure people overlook its flaws. It’s disrespectul, and we shouldn’t allow it, because it means we’re nothing but a commodity, an unquestioning storyblind audience that just doesn’t care so long as our representation needs are getting catered to. That means we’ll keep getting more representation, but a lot of it will be shit, because no matter what we’ll throw up our hands and give it ten out of ten and rigorously defend it no matter what caricatures it throws in front of us.

We should demand better stories alongside our representation. Fandom is so powerful now that we’re being written for, because as a whole we aren’t objective. We engage in mass squeeing, we’re GREAT at giving positive feedback and high ratings like it’s our job to do it even if it’s undeserved (and arguably Who NEEDED that positive feedback this year) and best of all anyone who doesn’t agree can be written off as an angry white dude, or racist, or just ignorant. That’s good for ratings and good for clicks, and networks eat that stuff up because it makes them money. But that isn’t respect, and we shouldn’t be selling ourselves out for a bargain basement price.

That’s my last word on it for now. I’ll probably complain again next week, and I know I KNOW this isn’t a popular pov for people, but I’ve made my bed with that. For those of you who loved it, I’m glad for you. I’m mostly disappointed for myself. And I still think camp James I was fucking terrible but I already know people love him, so what do I know?

P.S. my tags are for my flist so they can blacklist properly, not to force my saltiness down the throats of other Who fans. You don’t have to agree with me. I just needed to vent.

[mentalcurls]

5. Cosa ti eccita?

Episode 5, we’re almost halfway throught the season! This time I talk about that thing Martino says, mother-daughter relationships and my journey to empathizing with Edoardo Incanti (for now) as well as the results of the Bechdel test for this episode, of course!

this episode start so nicely: Martino talking shit about each and every one of Eva’s friends

he manages to be racist, sizeist, a slut shamer, classist and sexist and misogynist all in one sentence with this lovely bunch of derogatory definitions; plus he’s an asshole in general and unsupportive of Eva

Elia is right there with him laughing at all that, probably Peccio is too, Gio maybe cracked a smile, but don’t think for a second that anything but Eva’s face and the thought of the conversation they need to have held him back (I’d like to take this opportunity to remind y’all Gio in this remake isn’t as interested in politics as Jonas is in the og)

this is , from what I read online (I only watched S1 months after it aired), one of those scenes that made people angry and I can see why. It wouldn’t have been enough for me to stop watching, but I get why some people did. I do agree that a scene like that shouldn’t not bother you. I am angry that things like the ones Marti says are accepted without comment, that nobody taught him better, that none of the characters have been taught better, much less better enough for any of them to shut Marti up and confront him about the shit he just said; Eva knows it’s wrong, but she doesn’t even try to explain why to him, because she doesn’t have the words to and she feels like it’s be pointless. Eleonora might have been able to confront him and shut him up with one of her vitriolic answers, but it would have been met most likely with “Oh, burn” comments by the other guys. It’s what it’s like in Italy and I don’t think a show that has professes to be as realistic as possible should be attacked for portraying the realistic comments dumb, ignorant boys make or for not forcing a scene when one of the characters is suddenly knowledgeable and eloquent enough to confront all the issues in Marti’s statement. This are 16 years old. I’m Italian and I was “woke”-ish at 16, kept up with politics even, but I don’t think I’d have been able to to it. What Skam Italia did, in my opinion, to counteract Martino’s words in this scene, is show us that his definitions are false, narrow-minded and based on prejudice by giving us an in into these girls lives. No-one can watch Skam and believe Marti’s words. Unfortunately, in a realistic show set in Italy, that’s all we can ask for.

this is also one of the first times we hear Marti discuss girls with the guys and it projects me straight to ep.1 of S2, when we have the “buste di piscio” comment. For all we love our baby deer Martino Rametta like it’s our collective firstborn and we would die for him, he’s a misogynistic fucker sometimes; thankfully by the end of S2 he’s grown up quite a bit (and I hope and pray that the combo of Filippo, Sana and Niccolò will make him grow even more by the next time we see him).

on a lighter note, IL PECCIO IS IN THIS SCENE, IN THE FLESH!

“Tell me what’s the problem” “I don’t have a problem” “Eh, me neither” YEAH guys, that’s why you’re so warm and affectionate

Giovanni, you hypocrite. You complained you don’t want to be one of those couples that are attached to the hip and you acted like Eva was always bothering you, so you told her to make friends; now she has friends, she’s stopped always catering to you and only you, and you’re gonna act mad? You wanted your cake, honey, now eat it!

so is that “You can stay, the guys are gonna go in a bit” thing Gio trying to build a bridge or him beginning the prep for the lie about wanting to go to dinner with Eva’s parents and then bailing on them to get back at her? On one hand, I don’t want to believe my dear Giovanni Garau would do that, on the other this particular set of circumstances with Eva brings out some of his worst traits

ok, I understand Eva and Eleonora want to know why Sana got mad and threw her drink at Laura to empathize with her properly, since they also are not her biggest fans, but their being really oblivious to Sana’s loud “stop bothering me!” signals

“I had to run away like an idiot thanks to you” actually, Silvia, he left you there like an idiot, while he went to be “the big bad man of the house who will solve all the problems” (btw was the house even his? wasn’t it Chicco Rodi’s party, why was it at Edoardo’s place?)

anyways, the reason Silvia is so mad is because what Sana did is so far from the prim and proper, low-maintenance girl Silvia is trying to be, in Edoardo’s eyes especially, and she’s terrified he’s gonna lump her in with her friend, who’s already difficult enough on her own because she insists on being different

aaaaand Silvia goes for the racist insult; at least this time the other girls tell her to calm down and Ele seems pretty ready to give her a piece of her mind, though she stops at the last minute cause she seems to think that while Silvia is this mad she’s a lost cause

SILVIA ACTUALLY GOT A TEXT instead of sending one, Sana would almost be proud

YAS SKAM ITALIA GIVING INFORMATION ABOUT CONTRACEPTIVES

I mean, sex ed is not bad about sexual health and contraceptives here but it’s always good to show “actual” kids being careful

of course, they’re only half careful, given that they’re thinking of unwanted pregnancies, while ignoring the very real risk of venereal diseases, given that they’re talking about unprotected sex with a boy who’s notoriously promiscuous

still, I want to stress how this is a conversation between girls only; the “burden” of thinking about contraception always falls on girls’ shoulders: Silvia doesn’t think for a minute Edoardo might bring and not mind using a condom and just knows she’s the one who needs to be worrying about contraception; Eva took the pill and is now using the ring so we know she’s the one who’s been taking care of contraception in her relationship with Gio, too. It takes two to tango ladies, so why the fuck do we excuse male half of the couple from this part of sex??

honestly, it’s midday so Eva should get out of bed, but that piece of crostata isn’t the kind of thing I’d wake up for

oh, what a beautiful mother-daughter relationship! I’m kidding, but also not. It’s obvious Eva’s mum is not at home much, but she makes an effort to be there as much as she can: she keeps up with her grades, she badgers Eva so she’ll study and when she has some free time even offer to revise together, she brings her breakfast in bed, she’s there to listen when Eva confides in her. She probably feels bad she’s not up to date with Eva’s personal life and guilty that she’s not there for her daughter as much as she wants to be. And Eva screams at her like a proper teenager, but then she does a beautiful thing and actually apologizes, saying the words “I’m sorry”, and despite still lying she tells her mom a bit about herself (sure, there’s external pressure for her to do so in the form of Gio and of her new friends who want to come by her place, but still), she opens up, she communicates, which is really good cause she seems to have good parents, who for example don’t freak out at the mention of a boyfriend but ask her first and foremost if she’s happy

and Eva, what’s the point of saying “Yes, I’m happy” and looking anything but? You be thankful your mom takes it for embarrassment, cause you were not convincing

aaaand Gio hasn’t gotten any lately because of the fight so he’s horny, cute

Gio meets Eleonora! And it’s absolutely uneventful, but then again, it would be: even considering Marti’s classification, she’s not the weirdest and she’s the least interesting out of the girl squad to Gio, cause he’s already getting some, so he doesn’t care that she doesn’t put out

what is interesting is Gio’s worried face when the free clinic gets mentioned: dude, if maybe you were more involved in contraception and collaterals in your own relationship, then maybe your first reaction wouldn’t be worry

the “Prima volta?” lady cracks me up (also, in case anybody doesn’t know, she’s the same person that asks Marti if Nico’s bottle of antidote is a bomb in S2 ep. 7 and - I’ve read somewhere - the stylist of the series)

when Silvia huffed and looked put out at the mention of the clinic on the bus, I was unsure whether it was a fear thing or a “tsk, plebeians” thing, but it appears she’s genuinely scared: girl, why? I get being embarrassed, uncomfortable, but she’s more nervous than if she was taking the maturità exams

Silvia is not mad at anybody, much less Sana, because good, low-maintenance girls don’t get angry, don’t cause commotions, they’re graceful and compassionate and forgiving and nuisances simply don’t exist for them

the doctor is actually so helpful! in the og she was 99% comic relief, 1% actually helpful, but this doctor is nice and warm and encouraging

Silvia’s terrified/disgusted face when presented with a dildo, that’s not a girl who looks ready to have sex

at least Fede seems puzzled but interested

Silvia just seems so dumb in this scene: she doesn’t speak for herself, she is absolutely floored when faced with a sex toy and a condom, she seems to think that taking the pill for to days actually works as contraception, she doesn’t think of asking Eva to use her home to meet up with Edoardo before telling him yes... tbh she almost looks like she’s a bit drunk

still, she just knows how to manipulate people to get her way. She even brings the doctor on her side.

“Do you think it’ll hurt?” considering how unsure and worried you are, YES

Eleonora changing topics as soon as her sex life is brought into question 😏 but also, her lost face when Eva says sex shouldn’t hurt except maybe a bit at the beginning

THANK YOU ELEONORA SAVA FOR SAYING THE IMPORTANT THINGS THAT NEED TO BE SAID

the disgusted face Silvia makes at the word “turned on”???

ok, how good is it to see girls in media talking about sex and about their fantasies without any shaming whatsoever? (The comparison between getting turned on by clothes and animals played for comedy is a bit unfortunate, but imo it doesn’t ruin the positive, accepting mood of the scene)

*Regina George voice* Silvia, stop trying to make jello happen!

ok, so, my secondhand embarrassment levels are always through the roof during this scene

look how taken aback Eva’s mom looks when she sees Edoardo! He definitely looks nothing like the third year boy she pictured when she imagined Eva’s boyfriend, I mean, she was thinking more along the lines of Laura’s boyfriend, that nice boy Giovanni she’d met that one time…

oh, but poor Edoardo too, he’s planning for a one night stand and suddenly he has to deal with parents?? This was not the plan. Does this annoying, kind of pretty girl who wants to sleep with him think he’s her boyfriend or something? What a nightmare. Oh, wait, she’s not even here, is she toying with him in a misguided attempt at playing hard to get? Wait, she wanted him to go to dinner with her parents? Is this some kind of prank? Did he get the wrong house? WTF

AND THE DAD ARRIVES OH GOD when fathers get involved the situation usually escalates, you can feel Edoardo going “Nope. Nope. Think, Edo. Get out of this NOW.”

ok, the redhead he vaguely remembers from the party, great, now can she explain him what’s going on? No, she’s telling him he needs to leave and slamming the door in his face. (Also, first appearance of the boss Eva we see at Silvia’s 80s party in S2, hello gorgeous!)

and Silvia is hiding on the stairs. Which is cute and not at all “sfigate allucinanti”-like (see ep.3). Just like telling a guy to come over but not at your actual place isn’t. It’s fine having to ask your friend to borrow her place, having to sneak in, having sex in a house you don’t know and where you need to be careful not leave signs of your presence, on the bed where your friend sleeps, with her photos on the wall, her knick-knacks on the shelves, her clothes in the closet. It’s totally cool. Even when the guy you’re having sex with is polite and gets there a few minutes early, so he accidentally meets your friend’s parents and nearly panics and definitely learns this is not your place, you know, that’s stuff that happens and it’s absolutely cool. He just calls you crazy.

so really, I never thought I’d see the day, but I empathize with Edoardo Incanti and I understand him ghosting Silvia (not the whole “Who are you again?” conversation, just the ghosting) because she’s clearly in too deep, he’s know that since her first string of texts, and she’s doing borderline creepy things like borrowing her friend’s house to have sex in? And Edoardo is not interested in a girlfriend, much less a stalker, so he just goes for the path of least resistance and disappears, hoping she’ll get over it soo. (Except of course she doesn’t and she confronts him, so really, what’s the best way not to give her any stupid hope? Being cruel. And that’s what he does.)

back to Eva, Gio cancels and Eva TURNS HIS OWN “Non ho parole “ BACK ON HIM how wild

side note, I honestly really really would have wanted to see Paola’s reaction when, at some point, Eva tells her she was dating Giovanni; I just can’t decide what she’d think

Bechdel test: the episode passes the test. We have Eva and Ele pestering Sana about the fight at the party, then the two of the and Silvia discussing the pill, the conversation about Sana’s father’s patient’s restaurant outside the gyno’s office at the clinic and finally there’s a good 75% of the conversation in Eva’s bedroom, between Silvia, Ele, Fede and Eva herself, that actually passes the test. There’s just a couple of mentions of Edoardo in the middle.

This post is part of my complete series of meta about Skam Italia season 1.  If you’d like to read more of my thoughts about the other episodes, you can find the mastepost linked in the top bar on my blog under SKAMIT: EVA. Cheers!