#broccoli knight

[caronaro-flipaclip]

*BREATHEA IN* I FINISHED MY FIC

Arti was given a special mission by the Onion kingdom. Get rid of the infestation that could threathen their and so many more Kingdom's.

Nobody told them that they needed so many people.

Nobody also told them that whatever is gonna happen...would be pretty bad to their mental health

.Or: Arti wanting to throw up and suffocate but hiding it for most of the 16.000 words.

OR OR: An OC-centric Nabiu fic WHERE IT ALL GOES TO SHIT AND THEN GETS NICE.

THIS TOOK SO LONG AND FEATURES SO MANY OCS, ITS BAISCALLY A GIFT KINDA.

Anyway, to tag all of you peeps who probably want to see you're ocs-

Lemlo: @vgl-official

Tai: @humming-pops

Fragaria: @drawtimey

Lily: @cl0verdrag0n

ANYWAY, TADAAA

[dreamyduckz]

Incorrect The Fruitless Quests of Nabiu quotes! Mostly because I feel every fandom needs some.

Nabiu: Do you think different paints have different tastes? Karoto: They do. Nabiu: …Why did you say that with such certainty?

Nabiu: You believe me? Karoto: Nabiu, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Karoto: fast-forwards all the way through the movie Nabiu: You can't just skip to the happy ending! Karoto: I don't have time for their problems.

Karoto: Hello, my name is Failure, and you're watching my life crumble into pieces. Karoto: waves their finger and sings like they're in a Disney Channel intro

Wizzro: I wasn’t that drunk. Brocco: You colored my face with a highlighter because you said I was important. Wizzro: BECAUSE YOU ARE!

Karoto: “Struggle with depression” would seem to imply that I am bad at being depressed when I am, in fact, very proficient at being depressed.

Brocco: None of those words are in the Bible! Karoto: Psalm 119:105. “And Jesus said unto his followers, should a manlet incel attempt to mansplain the blockchain to a girlboss, may she waste his time and yassify his blorbos” Brocco: HE DID NOT FUCKING SAY THAT!

Wizzro: How would you like your coffee? Brocco: As dark and as bitter as my soul. Wizzro, shouting to someone behind the counter: I need one vanilla latte with extra cream and sugar!

Karoto: I didn’t know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to “fry air”. Nabiu: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD?? Karoto: I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER! Wizzro: IT’S NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER???? Brocco: You guys clearly don’t own an air fryer.

Wizzro: We call that a traumatic experience. Wizzro, turning to Karoto: Not a "bruh moment". Wizzro, still looking at Karoto: Not "sadge". Wizzro, staring into Karoto's eyes: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

Nabiu: I made this friendship bracelet for you. Karoto: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person. Nabiu: You don’t have to wear… Karoto: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.

Heres the incorrect quote generator that I used to make these: Incorrect Quote Generator

okie bye!

[humming-pops]

Not gonna lie I'm not too proud of this (probably caused I rushed it and it's my first time drawing them.) But you get the point.

[caronaro-flipaclip]

This is probably very gay. be warned.

ALSO MY FRIEND DI FUCKING AMAZING, LOVE TO HERRRRR >:]

join our little ship train :]

WOO BOI @caronaro-flipaclip AND I PRESENT:

THIS FUCKING GAY COMIC

Warnings??????: Brocco X Wizzro

[pupkou]

guys i would kill for olive garden rn

[coffeecone]

Not every creation of mine is art.

Sometimes, I create an affront to God. Fr fr.

[gildedphoenix]

Fire Escape - Dead on MAYn Day 1

Prompts uses: -Courting rituals -Flickering -Dinner interrupted by a fight -“Are they gone yet”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Not beta read. 6k words. Jason has a stressful day and shares dinner with his downstairs neighbor, Danny. The following week, Danny leaves something for him. A courting ritual between busy, stressed disasters.

AO3: Fire Escape Dead on MAYn Blog @deadonmayn

Fire Escape 

Life as a vigilante was stressful. Their world was not always easy. Cases did not always wrap up nicely in thirty minutes with everyone skipping off, hand in hand. 

This was definitely one of those bad days. 

A child trafficking case, after dragging on for the last 3 months, ended horribly. The head of the ring got away before Hood and Nightwing could to box him in. Most of the kids were already gone, whisked away to another location while Jason and Dick were fighting to reach them. And the kids they were able to find? Jason took a deep breath. This wasn’t a night he would be able to forget anytime soon. 

He wouldn’t be sleeping tonight so after Dick left, Jason cooked. He made chicken and bacon stuffed shells with a creamy marinara sauce. The recipe always took forever but it was a welcome distraction. Jumbo shells, chicken, bacon, broccoli, cheese, and sauce and a dozen other components to prep and cook. No time to think of anything else.

Two hours later, Jason was still wired, but he had stuffed shells. Enough for his whole family, if he was honest with himself. Enough to feed those kids who didn’t make it. Enough to fill the stomachs that hadn’t been full in so long but would never be hungry again. 

Jason was broken out of his despair by a noise on the fire escape. His gun was in his hand without conscious thought. Slow, steady steps took him closer to the window until he could see the potential intruder. 

Jason's shoulders dropped back down as he spotted his downstairs neighbor outside their window. It wasn’t unusual to see Danny out on the fire escape, one level down. Nothing unusual. Nothing to be concerned about. 

Jason reupholstered his gun before Danny spotted him and turned back to the kitchen. They’d introduced themselves when Danny moved in a few weeks ago at the beginning of the fall semester but hadn’t interacted much since then. 

Grabbing the casserole dish and an extra plate and fork, Jason stepped out onto his level of the scaffolding and called down to Danny. 

“Hey, you want some food? I made too much and can’t possibly eat it all.” Jason set the dish down between himself and the stairs and started in on his own plate. 

“Oh my god, Yes! I haven’t had food all day! You are a life saver. A knight in shiny armor.” Danny made his way up the stairs and peeked his head just above Jason’s level. He reached slowly for the extra plate and serving spoon while watching Jason. Jason motioned a little ‘go ahead’ with his own fork and Danny’s face lit up as he scooped a modest portion of shells onto his plate. “I was stuck in meetings all day. The council just wanted to drag everything out and every issue solved spawned two more. And it’s not even like they listen to me,” he stopped, eyes wide and he put the serving spoon back in the dish and looked intently at his own plate. “Not that they would. You know. I’m just a,you know, just an intern. I’m not even paid. Just an unpaid internship. Yep. I’m just there to take notes and get college credit. I’m an engineering student at Gotham U.” He glanced over at Jason, eyes a little panicked as he tried to sell his obvious lie. “But I don’t wanna bore you. You probably have a real job with real stress. I’m just an intern student. Aaaaaaand I’m gunna stop rambling now and go eat. Yep. Thank you.” 

Danny clammered back down the stairs (and Jason could swear he missed that last step based on the noises) before settling down against the wall next to his window. With a chuckle, Jason took another bite of his food. “You’re right, my job is stressful. That doesn’t mean you’re day can’t be stressful too, though. Stress is relative. We all handle it differently. It’s how I ended up making too much food. I’ve got a big family and I just went on autopilot and before I knew it I’d made enough to feed them all, even though none of them are over tonight. It’s still a nice way to decompress. I’ll give them a call tomorrow to see if any of them want some but this dish is better fresh.” He leaned back against his own wall, eyes closed, taking in the steady constant noises of the city. The chatter of Crime Alley and the more distant rumble of Gotham. It was several minutes before Jason heard Danny call up again. 

“This is amazing. I don't think I’ve eaten anything this good since….Actually never. I definitely can’t make anything like this and my parents didn’t really do home cooked meals.” 

Jason glanced down through the grates and Danny was scraping the sauce off the plate onto his fork. Jason decided to show some mercy before the poor guy started licking the plate. “Feel free to grab more. I’m not gonna eat this all and my siblings should have clairvoyantly known I was cooking if they really wanted any.” Jason chuckled a bit but it also didn’t seem that unrealistic. 

“Thanks! I’m going to be full for a week after this.” Danny popped back up the stairs, his face lit up in joy, as he pulled the dish over to him, spooning out a full plate of shells this time. “I guess their loss is my gain.” He went back down to lounge against his own wall. 

An easy silence fell. The noises of the city a distant juxtaposition to the bubble they had created. Just two people enjoying food. Enjoying a little down time. Enjoying peace.

****

A few days later, Jason came home to a surprise. He didn’t expect to really hear from his neighbor again beyond the occasional waves and hellos they had previously established. Just the coming and going in the stairs or passing on the street. But there on the outside of his window was a sticky note. Black with tiny nebulas, Jason’s name was scrawled with silver glitter gel pen and an arrow pointing down.

He opened the window and looked down to see if Danny was out, Jason spotted a ziplock bag full of cookies and a thermos. With Danny nowhere in sight, Jason inspected the note again and on the other side was more writing.

“I can’t cook anything near as good as what you made, but these are my favorite cookies from the bodega by campus. I like them with cardamom tea.” 

Jason opened the bag and caught a whiff of the cookies. He had fully intended to run them through a spectrometer but the enticing scent of ginger snaps and some urge deep within his soul overrode his caution. He took a small bite. And they were delicious. The spices were deep and warm. The molasses earthy. Setting them aside for a moment, he opened the thermos and took a tentative sip. The tea was still warm and lightly sweetened. The sharp spices of the tea playing well off the warmth of the cookies. 

He’d never had anyone leave him offerings like this. The thought stopped him for a moment. 

Gifts. Not offerings, gifts. He shrugged and grabbed a book from his TBR shelf. Settling in with the cookies and tea to relax before he had to go out for patrol. His mind was distracted by stray thoughts of what he might be able to leave his neighbor in return. 

****

Danny hated his teachers. He hated this city. He hated his creaky apartment. Though he didn’t mind the eye candy of his upstairs neighbor when they passed on the stairs. And if Danny turned around once in a while to watch Jason go up the stairs and enjoy the view? Well that was just the payment he deserved from the universe for the elevator always being out. There were other perks too, Danny decided thoughtfully. He and Jason had been leaving each other little offerings on the fire escape and it had become the best part of Danny’s day. It wasn’t every day, maybe more like once a week. But the joy he got when there was a little package outside his window? Unparalleled. As if matching Danny’s galaxy post it note energy, Jason left notes with his gifts on stationary that looked like old parchment paper, quotes from classic authors printed along the bottoms. Just a little explanation of what the gift was and where it was from. Or sometimes, if it were a homemade dish, Jason would include where he’d got the recipe from. Danny was on the look out for a larger notepad that was still space themed. He found he was running out of space on his post its and using two seemed like trying too hard, as if going out and buying all new stationary wasn’t also trying too hard. But Jason didn’t have to know it was new. Danny could have already had this. 

To Danny’s joy, there was a take out box outside under his window today. No Jason to be seen, but they rarely made it outside at the same time. Their schedules rarely lined up.

“I found a new korean place over off Vermont St. I got you some char sui pork buns. I hope they help tonight while you’re studying for finals. The things you’ve left for me have always made my evenings better.  -Jason”

And at the bottom, the little book quote read “‘Why did you do all this for me?’ he asked. ‘I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.’ ‘You have been my friend,’ replied Charlotte. ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.’” -Charlotte’s Web

What had started as a simple shared meal from Jason making too much food after work had become the best part of Danny’s week. And it seems like Jason might feel the same. A lovely give and take of food offerings. A courtship. Or at least, Danny liked to think of it that way. But even just simple friendship was a welcome feeling. At least now he knew Jason also liked their little dance and this wasn’t out of some misconstrued obligation. And Jason even remembered that he was a student and that it was finals week. That extra thought had Danny blushing as he took the buns to his kitchen counter and stuck the note on his fridge with a comet shaped magnet. Danny kept all the notes Jason left. Luckily the fridge couldn’t be seen from the window because otherwise Danny would die (again) of embarrassment. As it was, he simply enjoyed his dinner while rereading Jason’s words.

****

“Wait a minute” Dick interrupted Jason’s story description of Danny’s most recent gift of curry and boba tea. “So you and this guy-” “Danny,” Jason corrected. Dick nodded, a conspiratorial smile growing. The kind of smile your brother gets when he stumbles across potential blackmail material on you. “So you and Danny” Jason did not like that tone, “have been leaving gifts outside each others windows.” Jason nodded, “Every week, or MORE,” Dick looked pointedly at Jason for confirmation, to which Jason nodded again. “And you FINALLY tell him that his gifts ‘make your day better’ and you use the page with a quote from Charlotte’s Web about FRIENDSHIP?” 

“What’s the matter with that? It’s not like I picked it specifically. It was just the next page.” Jason was beginning to regret sharing this joy with his dick of a brother.

“Ok, So.” Dick threw his arm around Jason’s shoulders, “We need to either work on your delivery, or get you some stationary with better quotes. You’re clearly over the moon about this guy-” “Hey, what makes you say that? I just- It’s- I…”Jason stuttered, trying to gather his scrambled thoughts. “Having something to look forward to after I get off patrol is nice. And having someone go out of their way to do that for me…” 

Dick really looked at his brother. It wasn’t often that Jason managed to look small these days. But there he sat, shoulders hunched, fingers fiddling with Danny’s most recent note. It wasn’t a sticky note size, but a small half page. Very much like Jason’s own notepad with the quotes from famous authors. He was absentmindedly folding the paper back and forth, making lines from star to star among the constellations decorating the page. “Jason,” Dick dropped his teasing tone and waited for his little brother to look up. “It sounds like you’ve got a good thing going here. I wouldn’t want you to mess it up by being impatient. You laid out your cards, in a small careful way, and you received something in turn,” he nodded to the creased note. “Keep taking those steps. I can see how happy this has made you, even as simple as it is. Keep finding things you think he’ll like. Keep leaving your little courtship gifts. And maybe just flip through your stationary and pick the quotes a bit more deliberately,” Dicks eyes glinted dangerously, “You lit’ nerd.” Dick quickly flipped backwards from sitting into several handsprings across the training mat, his maniacal laughter echoing across the cave as he tried to escape the very predictable ire of his younger brother.

“Oh that’s it! You’re in for it now!” Jason rolled up onto the mats to chase Dick, joy in his heart and violence on his mind. Danny’s note settled to the floor, waiting for Jason’s response. “I hope you like curry! I got a medium spicy, but eat it with the naan if it’s too hot. Your gifts are the highlight of my day whenever you leave me something.” And then, hand written at the bottom of the page where Jason’s stationary had quotes, “With all the stars in the sky, and all the people in the world, I’m glad I ended up in a constellation next to you.”

****

“Guys, I’m going to die.” Danny declared and then promptly face planted into Sam’s couch. They were having their monthly catch up dinner and hang out. Sam was attending Metropolis University for Law with a minor in environmental studies. Her parents weren’t happy with her obvious post grad plans, but she was fulfilling their terms of getting a traditional, respectable degree, so they were footing the bill. That included her off campus apartment because no daughter of theirs was about to live in those dingy college dorm rooms. 

Tucker was attending MIT while also building a name for himself in the hacker community. Two streams he was desperately trying to keep from crossing, lest MIT expel him on ethics. 

Danny, of course, was attending Gotham U for aerospace engineering and astronomy. Their schedules made it hard to find a common evening once a month that they were all free. Danny’s ability to make portals (thanks to a new set of powers and abilities that came with being Ghost King of the infinite realms) made it slightly easier to get everyone in the same room once they found the time. Danny’s muffled voice drifted up from the couch cushions. 

“What was that Danny? I couldn’t quite get that through the literal couch in your face.” Sam sassed.

Danny lifted his face from the fluff and whined, “I left Jason the sappiest note and by the time I came to my senses, he had already taken iiiiiiiiiit! And now he’s read it and he hates me and he’s never going to talk to me again or leave me homemade cookies or anything else ever again and it’s all because I read too deep into a quote from fucking Charlotte’s Web!” He flopped onto his back and then slowly melted off the couch, thumping to the floor when Sam pushed him to make room to sit down with her pho bowl. 

“Come on man, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” Tucker said. “Tell us what you wrote.” “No.”

“Don’t make me check the security footage. You know we’ve got HD cameras on your place.” Tucker, horrible friend that he was, was already pulling up the footage. The cameras had been installed as a valid security measure but were mostly used to retrieve blackmail footage against Danny by his friends. Danny had a tendency to glow and float as he stargazed on rare clear nights in Gotham and Sam and Tucker gave him no end of shit about it. 

“Did you find it?” Sam asked excitedly, crowding closer while holding Danny off with a boot to the face. 

“Yep! Let’s see, ‘Hope you like curry,’ blah blah blah, oh here. ‘With all the stars in the sky, and all the people in the world, I’m glad you ended up in a constellation next to me.’ You’re right.” Tucker declared solemnly. “It is bad. He’s never going to talk to you again. He’s gunna move states. Dye his hair. Change his name! You’ll never find him again and you’ll never find love.” Tucker lost his deadpan demeanor and dissolved into laughter. 

Danny glared at him and phased the couch out from under him. Tucker hit the floor still laughing and didn’t stop. 

“Captain Chuckles can stay on the floor, but please re-solidify my couch. I like it to exist in this dimension.” Sam nudged Tucker ever so gently out of the way so that the couch could exist again. 

“But really. Was it too much?” Danny asked Sam, since Tucker was clearly just going to be useless. 

“I think it was honest and forward. I think if you guys had been going on traditional dates, then it might be too much.” Dannys face fell and his shoulders slumped. “But!” Sam interjected quickly, “That is not what you guys are doing. For better worse, you have some archaic courting ritual going on. You’ve only been exchanging words and gifts. Small offerings of your heart and soul. To give less than your full self in this situation would be disingenuous. I don’t think it was too soon, especially since he initiated the sentiment. Sure, writing down undying love,” Danny and tucker both chuckled at the ‘undying’ part and Sam kicked them both for it, “Would have been too much. But directly stating that you enjoy the little dance you have going on? And that you like him? Nah. I think you did good. Especially since he’s clearly a literary nerd.”

“Yeah” Tucker chimed in, “He matches well with your space nerd!” 

“Oh that’s it! You’re in for it now!” Danny rolled off the couch and chased Tucker around Sam’s spacious apartment, promising to freeze him to the ceiling once he caught him. 

****

Jason decided to take a night off patrol. Nothing major should be going on tonight. The Alley could do without him being a helicopter parent for one evening. He wanted to make a more involved meal for Danny. There was a good chance that they would see each other tonight. Jason had connected some dots and realized that Danny, the beautiful face and soul that he was, liked to stargaze on clear Gotham nights. This would be the first clear night in weeks and there was no way that Danny would miss the opportunity. 

So Jason got started early. Rissoto didn’t look fancy but it took skill to get right. The results, when done right, were amazing. Jason had also picked up a bottle of wine. Call it wishful thinking, but he hoped Danny would share it with him and they might sit down and really get to know each other. That would be nice. 

****

As Jason stood, stirring his hopes and risotto, Danny was one floor down trying not to burn the entire building down. This was his fourth night trying to make the same thing.  He’d watched so many videos. So many tutorials. All of them said this could be done by a beginner cook if they just followed the steps. None of them really sold how difficult it was though. Someone needed to start a cooking channel where an average person tried to follow these recipes. 

The first attempt, several nights ago, ended in him realizing that he could not melt sugar on top of a creme brulee in a plastic ramekin. Fire plus plastic is bad. That was the first batch ruined. 

The second batch didn’t set in the oven. Which didn’t make sense because he’d done everything the same as the first batch, which had turned out fine. 

The third batch, he turned the oven up just a but realized while he was cleaning up egg shell that he’d never actually put eggs into the second batch. By the time he got the third batch out of the oven, they were horribly over cooked. 

For the fourth batch, he laid out all his ingredients, portioned and in order of use. Set his oven back to the right temperature and gave an offhanded prayer to Clockwork for proper timing. 

The timer dinged, the custards wobbled ever so slightly and Danny about collapsed with relief as he got them safely removed from the oven and set on his counter. He took a moment to contemplate how he’d ended up cooking the same dessert four nights in a row. These were way too complicated for him. But he’d done this to himself. He’d looked up “impressive desserts to make for your date” and Creme Brulee topped half the lists. Last step was to toast the tops with a micro torch after they cooled. 

Danny returned to his homework while he waited.

****

Jason opened his window, two servings piping hot seafood risotto plated and ready. He’d heard muffled cursing from downstairs, so he knew Danny was home. Most likely cursing one of his professors. Jason left the bottle of wine just inside his window. He was hopeful that the evening would go well but no sense in being presumptuous. He wasn’t even sure if Danny liked wine, or drank at all! 

Starting down the fire escape, Jason was surprised to see Danny already out. He was peering into the eyepiece of a telescope muttering to himself. Danny did talk to himself a lot now that he thought about it. Not wanting to startle him, Jason waited on the upper level of the fire escape and simply watched. Admired the object of his affections these past months. It was odd to think how much they’d both put into the relationship so far for how little time they’d actually spent together. Danny sat on the stairs in his Nasa hoodie and some Justice League pajama pants, which caused Jason to chuckle quietly to himself.

Sitting next to Danny was an open notebook, Danny’s chaotic handwriting scattered over the page along with some very precise charts. Jason almost didn’t believe they were hand drawn except that they were penned in the same aggressively bright neon green sparkly gel pen as the chicken scratch writing. What a strange dichotomy. Next to the notes sat a tray with two ramekins of creme brulee. As Dannys hand moved down to make some notes Jason noticed several bandaids with burns peeking out from under them. Had Danny made the creme brulees himself? He’d mentioned a few times that he was hopeless in the kitchen. Had he gone to all that trouble and apparently pain, to make something for Jason? 

For no particular reason, Jason needed to clear his throat, which startled Danny of his concentration trance. “Oh! You’re here!” Danny said. He capped the eyepiece and looked around. “I made you something. You’re always making things for me and I’ve just been buying things so I wanted to put more work into your gifts. So I made these. For….For us. I was hoping you’d eat with me? I waited out here for you. Also it was a great night for some stargazing so I was just doing that while I waited, of course, because sometimes you come home really late. Not that I’m watching you!” Danny’s hands came up defensively, a blush coloring his cheeks as he rambled. Eyes darting away, he started clearing off the stairs for them to sit. Moving his notebooks and the creme brulees. Jason just smiled at the disaster he was already half in love with. He couldn’t wait to learn all of Danny’s quirks and habits. Would he always ramble on or was this just jitters? Would Danny’s face light up the same way every time Jason came home from patrol? He hoped so. He wanted to make this work. He wanted to come home to that face.

“I’m actually really glad you’re out here,” Jason said, saving Danny from himself. “I’ve seen your telescope and noticed that you like to come out on clear nights. I was hoping you’d have dinner with me again. I made seafood risotto. It’s shrimp and muscles. Would you like some?” Jason presented the plates to Danny as he came down the stairs. 

“Yeah. I’d love to have dinner with you. I like any food that doesn’t try to eat my back. I don’t think I’ve ever had risotto. Let me just finish moving my junk.” He smiled as he set everything off to the side in a pile.

Jason settled down and handed one of the plates and a fork over to Danny. “How has school been going? I think you mentioned you were going for engineering?” Danny nodded. “What made you pick Gotham U? Most people are trying to leave the city, not come here.”

“Oh, that’s easy. But two reasons really. First, Gotham U has the Wayne Tech scholarship program and the great internship programs. I’ve also heard hush-hush rumors about some great job opportunities that recruit from Wayne Tech. If it’s true, I want to be here.” Danny gazed up longingly at the sky. Wayne Tech of course had partnerships with NASA but that was a well known connection. It wasn’t hush hush. The only thing Jason could think of that Danny would be alluding to would be jobs on the Watchtower. They did hire civilians, but the Justice League hand selected the best of the best. Bruce and Lucius kept their eyes out for those people. Not that he supported nepotism, but Jason wouldn’t mind making sure Danny’s name got added to the hat once he was ready. 

“The other reason,” Danny said, breaking Jason out of his future planning, “is that Gotham is the only city I could find with even half the amount of crazy as Amity, my home town. We had some crazy super villains and after growing up with that daily madness, I can’t settle down in a peaceful city.” He took a moment to savor the food, bliss coming across his face. It made Jason want to make more food for him. Jason wanted to bring him that joy again. To provide for Danny and take care of him. “This is really good! I love your food. Best thing I’ve ever had every time. I just hope what I made doesn’t give us both food poisoning.” “Hey, I’m sure it’s great. Did you burn your fingers making that? I saw the band aids. Even if you need chaos, I’m sure you don’t need to make more by burning yourself making dessert. Just walk through the alley in the daytime and I’m sure you’ll get enough excitement.” 

“Nah, Muggers are small potatoes.” Danny contested. “Most exciting thing that can come of that is Red Hood showing up. And I’m typically not out while he’s patrolling. Hood keeps most of the rif raf out of the area, so I generally feel safer here than the rest of Gotham.” 

“Hmmm. So Hood is doing better than the bats and birds? I’m sure Batman would love to hear that.” Jason bumped Danny’s shoulder playfully. “Since you’ve been here for a few months now, do you have a favorite bat or bird?”

“Red Hood.” Danny said quickly and decisively. “Definitely Red Hood. Not only does he have his area on lock down, so much so that even the other Bats stay out. Black Mask? Nope. Traffickers? Gone. Most violence? Low level. I know some of the bigger name rogues will ignore all the boundaries but they’re really not known for following the rules so they don’t really count. And also he’s….” Danny stopped abruptly, a blush coming over his cheeks. “But what about you? You grew up here. Who’s your favorite?” 

“That’s a hard choice. I remember when it was just Batman and Robin OG. So I would say it was original Robin, then Nightwing, but then he abandoned us for Bludhaven. Now It’s probably BlackBat. Though the current Robin is also doing a great job. He gets a lot of shit for being so young and violent but what do people expect? Of course he’s violent. Being Robin is not easy. It’s- And now I’m rambling on.” Jason chuckled. “BlackBat. She’s my favorite. For now.” 

“Hmmm. I haven’t heard a lot about her. It makes sense since what I have heard is that she’s the stealthiest of the bats.” 

Some time during the conversation they had relaxed, no longer holding a strict gap between their bodies. Forks clinked as they sat shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip on the narrow fire escape staircase. A peaceful silence fell around them like a cozy blanket. 

“Can I try one of the creme brulees?” Jason asked, having finished his food already. “I would hate to see all your hard work, pain, and suffering go unappreciated.”

“Sure, but you’re taking your life into your own hands. Just do me a favor and lie to me about how good it is.” Danny passed one of the desserts and a small spoon over to Jason. Their hands touched and they both paused, but neither pulled away. 

A gentle smile grew on Jason’s face as a blush returned to Danny’s cheeks but still neither pulled away.  The world seems to pause around them, allowing them this moment. The soft light coming from the windows flickered….and then went out. 

“Um…What just happened?” Danny asked, looking around. The ambient glow of Gotham still loomed in the distance but most of the closer lights had gone out, just street lamps remained. Down at the end of the street, a red glow flickered. The glow of fire. “I gotta go.” They both said at the same time. Their eyes met in the dim light. Shadows made masks on their faces and sudden understanding lit their eyes. A mutual epiphany.

“Be safe.” Danny said to Red Hood. “You too.” Jason responded before darting back up the stairs and into his apartment. 

****

Danny’s mind was reeling. How could he not have noticed? All the clues were there in hindsight. The late nights. The tired days. The various bruises and scrapes. Even the vague half answers and glaring lack of personal info in their brief conversations. But in that moment of calamity, Jason’s entire demeanor shifted. His shoulders squared and resolution threaded every fiber of his frame, and what a great frame it was. On the plus side, Danny felt less conflicted about staring at Red Hood’s ass while courting Jason. They were the same ass. The same thighs. The same broad shoulders that Danny had way too many private thoughts about. 

Focus Danny!

Once he got into his closet, he transformed. While he no longer shouted “Going Ghost” at the top of his lungs (He was young, leave him alone), he didn’t have any way to dampen the bright flash of light his transformation gave off. So into the closet he went. 

Flying through his apartment walls and over the battle zone he quickly assessed the lay of the land. There seemed to be two groups shooting at each other from opposite corners of the street. Behind every available place of cover and down every alley, people were hiding. Sneaking into the intersection from their apartment was Red Hood, also assessing the situation from the ground. His eyes raked over both factions, the civilians, the fire escapes and windows, and even the rooftops. Danny was impressed because few people thought to look up. Danny allowed himself to pop back into the visible spectrum as Jason’s gaze passed over the rooftop Danny was hovering over. Nobody else was looking up. Nobody ever looked up.

Danny pointed at Hood, then at the violence. Then after a pause, pointed at himself and circled his hand around to indicate the surrounding area. He hoped Hood would catch that Danny was going to take care of the civilians and general crowd control. Jason nodded and took out two of his guns, checking the safety and loads before focusing on the task ahead. Danny faded back to invisibility and looked around for the most vulnerable of the civilians to get them out first.

****

The firefight took much longer to handle than Danny expected. He was used to one on one or maybe himself versus a group, but never a gang war like this. Never with so many people. So many combatants. So many innocents in the line of fire. 

The noise in the streets had been like listening to a bag of popcorn. Shots overlapping. Echoing endlessly. A constant incomprehensible cacophony of gunfire. As Danny got more civilians to safety, the density of noise began to wane. Little by little the gunfire spread out as Hood disabled the shooters and their weapons until it went from constant noise to just isolated pops to silence. 

Danny allowed himself to become visible atop the same roof as earlier when he noticed Jason looking for him once more. Danny held his fist out, thumb to the side, head cocked in question. Red Hood returned the thumb out fist and turned it up briefly, before pointing with his thumb over his shoulder back towards their apartments. Danny turned up his thumb to match and nodded before disappearing and leaving Hood to the mercy of the converging Bats. Danny didn’t even remember them showing up. He was so focused on getting people to safety. He was glad Jason had help though. He sped back to his own apartment to wait. To pace restlessly and hope that Hood hadn’t been hurt.

****

Jason was annoyed. Bruce was annoying for trying to act like he was in charge while standing in Jason’s damn apartment. Tim was annoying, standing off to the side while silently judging Jason’s lack of coffee choices. Oracle was annoying for sending Bats his way when she heard him get winged by a stray round at the beginning of the firefight. He was even annoyed with himself for somehow missing that Danny was apparently a vigilante? Or maybe a rogue? He needed them to leave. He needed to check on Danny. There was clearly some kind of powers involved but nothing to say that Danny couldn’t be hurt. That he wasn’t hurt. He’d seen Danny peek his head around the window frame three separate times before literally disappearing from view each time. Clearly waiting until Jason was alone again to talk.

“Look.” Jason interrupted whatever Bruce was saying. “I’m tired. I was already in for the night before that clusterfuck even began. I need you both out of my place because I have a date with a cup of tea and possibly a shot of whiskey.” Jason stalked over and opened the front door in clear invitation to leave. “Out. And tell O to mind their own business and butt out of my feeds.” Jason continued to motion out the door. Gentleman that he was, he even waited politely until their capes were all the way out the door before slamming it behind them. Jason took a deep breath and turned around as he felt the air shifting.

“Are they gone yet?” Danny asked. His inexplicable white hair from the battlefield was gone but he was floating a couple inches off the floor. 

Jason wondered if he knew he was doing it as he walked over to retrieve the bottle of wine. 

“Yeah. They’re gone for now. Let’s talk.” 

[fuzz-hound]

Hearing “deadass” in a fantasy setting is as funny as it sounds.

Me asking the ones who Speak the Truth and Lie:

Moi: Mr Truth, this door you guard DOESN’T lead to Hell, correct?

The Truth: On god for real for real no cap no kizzy fam. This doorway straight bussin fire emoji 100 emoji fire emoji

a sluge 😔

[givehimthemedicine]

Max's ratings of the party's skill at hand-feeding her her meals in the hospital

Dustin: makes too big of bites. takes correction well if framed scientifically. strongly suspect he steal bites of desserts. three points off for "here comes the airplane" incident (one point recovered for administering slap to own face). review board will reconsider case after one week probation or sufficient bribes. 6/10

Lucas: nice bedside manner and fork control but patient to a fault. has to be told every time I'm ready for another bite. asks what I want every single bite to be. just do it?? 5/10

El: flawless. perfect portioning. perfect speed. if he touches me again she will kill him again. good bite variety and pacing. no surprises. remembers my likes and dislikes. gentle. fork work so meticulously careful.. nay, graceful.. nay, loving, I could almost dare to hope that shut up Max. always ends on the best bite. never treats me like a baby. my knight in shining armor. I could start crying and choke to death on a broccoli floret and still rate her 11/10

Mike: what is this, a county fair pie eating contest? slow down. "gag me with a spoon" not to be taken literally. must be trying to hit every one of my teeth? unrepentant tongue-stabber. somehow makes the food taste worse. fired halfway through one meal. nice to know I'm still not the one with the worst hand-eye coordination. 1/10

Will: second best after El. intriguing bite composition with inventive combinations that leave me on the edge of my seat. one point off for always bringing Mike. 8/10

[thefiery-phoenix]

YANDERE VILLAIN DEKU X READER

You were a 5 year old cute adorable shy little girl but wasn't afraid to protect your loved ones. You were going to the playground to practice using your quirk which by the way, was Nuclear Explosion. you were about to play on the swing and just then, you saw a certain green broccoli haired boy getting bullied by a loud angry ash blonde who suspiciously, looked like a rat or a hedgehog on crack

''Face it Deku! I'm better than you and you're just a quirkless pathetic waste of space who will NEVER surpass me and don't waste your time aiming to be a hero'' snarled the blonde as the green haired kid looked like as if he was about to cry. The blonde haired boy pushed him and he fell and that's what made your blood boil in anger.

''Hey! Stop bullying him you big meanie!'' you yelled and stuck your tongue at him. ''What did you say to me you damn extra?'' shouted the blonde kid. You fired your nuclear explosions at him and his 3 goons and they left in a hurry after that. "I'll get you for this you damn extra, whatever the hell your name is!'' he shouted. ''I have a NAME and it's Y/N you big moron!'' You helped the green haired kid get up and he had some tears in his eyes and was clutching an all might figurine, someone who you were fond of as well

''Are you all right?'' you asked the green haired kid as he nodded and stuttered that he was fine. He introduced himself as Izuku Midoriya and the blonde who bullied him was Kaachan or Katsuki bakugou. ''Come on, I'll help you clean up, you have a pretty big bruise there on your knee'' and led him towards a park bench. You patched it up with a band-aid as Izuku saw your tiny soft magical hands at work. He turned red whenever you touched him and his face was becoming flushed and his heart beat faster than ever. ''Are you okay? Do you have a fever?'' you asked him and touched his forehead and he shook his head vigorously. You both became best friends after that and you stood up for him whenever Katsuki bullied him. Little did you know, even Katsuki had grown feelings towards you. Fast forward to where you guys are in middle school cuz, I'm too lazy (lol)

Izuku's POV: Here I am, waiting for Y/N chan in front of her house so we can go to school together. I really LOVE and enjoy having her around. She always helps me when Kaachan bullies me and she's really kind and caring. But... why does my chest hurt so much when she talks to other people and gives them her attention? I hate it when Y/N spends her precious time with someone else.... They don't deserve her. They don't deserve her attention. I wish I could be strong so I could protect her just like a knight in shining armor and all that. 

''Izuku!'' chirped a cheerful and yet soft female voice snapping me out of my thoughts. It was Y/N looking at me with her beautiful eyes. "Shall we get going?'' she asked me. "S-sure'' I stuttered. We were on the way to our middle school and we witnessed a fight between our idol All Might and a villain. ''Oh my gods, LOOK!'' gasped Y/N and clutched my arm looking nervous. Of course, I turned pink but she didn't see it, thank goodness. We were watching the fight and finally All Might won. I wanted to talk to him and I asked Y/N to go on without me even though I was reluctant to leave her alone. I didn't want anything bad to happen to her but..... I needed to talk to All Might alone. "All Might, do-d- do you think I could still become a hero without a quirk?'' and when All Might gave me his answer, it shattered my heart into a million pieces. He said I couldn't be a hero without a quirk and I was devastated! All my hopes and dreams crushed within less than a second! I went to school feeling like garbage since that's exactly how I felt right now. Maybe Kaachan was right..... maybe I shouldn't be a hero..... I'm just a pathetic quirkless nobody. I went to school and when our homeroom teacher announced that me, Y/N and Kaachan wanted to get into the UA, people started snickering at us. Well, at me mostly. Y/N asked them to shut up and then got into a heated argument with Katsuki and finally ended up in detention, along with him. I have to admit, Y/N gotten bolder and it's really cute and adorable. 

But I wasn't going to let MY darling Y/N chan be ALONE with Kaachan for an ENTIRE hour. Who knows what he's going to do to her? So, in order for her not to be lonely and to keep an eye on Kaachan to make sure he doesn't try anything with my puppy, I NEED to get detention too. So, I purposefully looked like as if I wasn't paying attention to the teacher and what do you know? I got detention as well.... 

The bell finally rang and soon, it was time for detention. Y/N headed out and told me she'd wait for me at the detention room. I was about to follow her when Kaachan pulled me back by my collar and hissed, ''Stay the HELL away from Y/N. She's MINE and I LOVE her, you understand, you DAMN nerd?'' and burned my wrists a little. ''Kaachan stop it, I love her too'' I said and that's how burns decorated my body yet again. ''Just stay away from her and why not take a swan dive off a roof? If you're lucky you'll wake up with a quirk in your NEXT life'' and burned  my hero analysis notebook to ash. Y/N chan comforted me during detention and swore that she'd pulverize him to death but I shook my head. Soon, it was time for us to go home but I didn't go home. No. I went somewhere and met someone who changed my life forever and made me see things in a different perspective..... That day had completely changed me and no doubt, my darling Y/N chan would certainly have tears in her eyes but I'll wipe them off and comfort her.... After all... I'm the ONLY one she needs.....

Y/N's POV: It' been 2 years since my best friend Izuku went missing. I never liked calling him 'Deku' since it meant useless and it was given to him by that hot headed hedgehog Katsuki. I swore to myself that I'd gain my pro hero licence and the second I do, I would do WHATEVER I could to find him and get him back. His mother was out of her mind with worry every single day and I would comfort her before going to the UA, the most prestigious school in Japan for upcoming heroes. Unfortunately, even Kaachan got in too. I went to Mrs. Midoriya's house and comforted her and went to the UA. Seeing the building always made me have glistening tears in my eyes since it was our dream to be in the UA together and now.... that was all just a mirage. I made my way to class 1a and while Katsuki was glad that Izuku didn't come to the UA, I told him to shut up. ''This all your fault. You always used to bully him and its because of you he's.... he's gone'' I said angrily as Katsuki replied, ''Tch... why do you even care about that quirkless nerd?'' ''He was my FRIEND!'' I shouted and by now, everyone in class 1a turned to stare at us but I didn't care 

Classes dragged on as usual and when we went to the grounds for hero training, we heard the school's security's alarms blaring loudly. ''Quick! Everyone, stay in the classrooms! The pro heroes will ensure you're safe! There are villains attacking!'' yelled Present Mic over the speakers and just as we were about to make a run for it, a purple portal opened up in front of us and out came a buff well built looking guy with a green mask, with a blue haired crusty looking person and a blonde haired girl wearing a school uniform 

The green haired guy removed his mask and I recognized his freckles along with his emerald eyes and his green hair. Slowly it was starting to hit me.... Izuku, my dear friend was a.... villain!!?? 

''Izuku?'' I whispered and looked shocked as hell and so did Katsuki. "What the HELL you DAMN nerd?'' ''Ah.... an old reunion among childhood friends. How sweet'' said Izuku smiling sickly. ''Stay back'' threatened Aizawa. '' Izuku, why did you become a.... a villain?'' I asked him with tears in my eyes. '' Ah... my darling Y/N chan. Sweetheart, who wouldn't become one after they've been let down by their idol and on top of that being bullied for being quirkless? That arrogant ego filled jerk KATSUKI bullied me till NO ENDS!! And heck! Even my own MOM gave up on me after she found out I was quirkless! But Y/N... you were the only one who gave me hope.... You made me happy, you always supported me, cheered me on.... Join me Y/N... Join me and I'll make sure to treat you like the princess that you deserve to be treated. To hell with this corrupted tainted hero society!'' he roared but I shook my head and ran away from him. ''Y/N chan, love, You can't escape me~'' and released some purple fog all around us. Then, I felt something hit my head and pretty soon, the only only thing I could sense was people yelling and shouting as my consciousness slowly drifted.....  

3rd Person POV: You woke up on a surprisingly comfortable bed but your hands were chained to the bed's headboard. You started hollering through your gag, making muffled noises. Soon a blue haired man and your friend Izuku appeared. ''Ask you girlfriend to join us or die.'' said the crusty looking man, as he removed your gag and you yelled, "I'm NEVER joining the LOV! Izuku, this ISN'T YOU! Why are you doing this!? How could you?'' you screamed at him with tears in your eyes. You couldn't use your quirk since he had placed a quirk canceling collar on you

He unchained you and rubbed your back in a somewhat soothing manner, waiting for you to calm down. ''Do... do you have any idea how WORRIED your mom was'' you asked him, as he quickly kissed you on your lips in order to shut you up. You tried fighting him, but gave in to him in the end. He broke the kiss and cuddled you and whispered hoarsely.... '' I love you Y/N my precious doll.... your MINE and ONLY MINE, no one else's..... And you will learn to love me at some point.....

BONUS SCENE: Toga: Uhh.... Dabi, you Do realize that if you're planning to flirt with Y/N Deku's gonna murder you, right?

Dabi: Yeah you stab queen, I figured that out, but I'm not going to lie, she was pretty good looking

Shigaraki: You're all idiots. 

Izuku: What. the HELL. did you say about MY Y/N?? 

Dabi: Uhhh....n-nothing. She's absolutely PERFECT for you and she's like my little sister. (Chuckles nervously)

Izuku: (smiles in a way no creepy serial psychotic serial killer would) Good to know.

P.S: This convo takes place AFTER you're nicely sleeping on DEKU's bed, END OF STORY

[caronaro-flipaclip]

I DREW SOME BROCCO AND WIZZRO ART FOR TESTING AND STUFF

Also. Me and my friend started shipping them for the funny.

Brocco X Wizzro is just a stupid ctackship we have was too much commitment too at this point, SO I SHALL RELEASE THE IDES TO THE PUBLICCCC

[MIGHT ASWLEL ADD A TAG TOO BAHAHA]

[fellow-nerd]

That hat man better make up for it soon or im coming for not just him but the women and children too 🫶

[dailyfigures]

DAILYFIGURES WRAPPED 2023!!

[image credit]

i posted a grand total of 886 figures this year! let's take a look at the hits and the flops together!

my top 10 most popular figure posts! ;

10. Kirby from Kirby by Re-Ment with 1432 notes

9. Heather Mason from Silent Hill by Gecco with 1458 notes

8. Isabelle from Animal Crossing by Good Smile Company with 1535 notes

7. Hatsune Miku from Vocaloid by Taito with 1547 notes

6. Kirby & Waddle Dee from Kirby's Dream Land by Bandai Spirits with 1568 notes

5. Hatsune Miku from Vocaloid by Taito with 1717 notes

4. Hatsune Miku from Vocaloid by Taito with 1879 notes

3. Yuuko from Junji Ito's Slug Girl by Dodowo with 2121 notes

2. Ayanami Rei & Asuka Langley from Neon Genesis Evangelion by Union Creative International Ltd with 2332 notes (special shout out to this meme)

and....this year's biggest winner!

1. Kirby & Waddle Dee & Meta Knight & Magolor from Kirby by Re-Ment with 3542 notes!!!

my top 5 least popular figure posts ;

5. Nikkari Aoe from Touken Ranbu Online by Orange Rouge with 43 notes

4. Arthur Boyle from Fire Force by Kotobukiya with 41 notes

3. Ayano Keiko from Sword Art Online by Broccoli with 41 notes

2. Jolyne Cujoh from Stone Ocean by Medicos Entertainment with 39 notes

1. Akito Izuki from Ghostwire: Tokyo by Good Smile Company with 26 notes

and ofcourse a big thank you to everyone who interacted with my blog this year!!! thank you for making this hobby extra fun for me! happy new year everyone!!! <3

[<<< dailyfigures wrapped 2022]

[mostrandomgallery]

And now, for the main healer of the Cotton Candy Elephants, give a round of applause for Delicia von Hevring!

With Delicia von Hevring’s enrollment into the Officers’ Academy, it has been speculated whether or not the Hevring family themselves or the Crest of Cethleann naturally makes one disgusted at the sight of blood, as was the case with Linhardt von Hevring. In Delicia’s case, the mere mention of blood makes her want to puke on command. For this reason, she took up faith magic and healing in order to heal gross, icky injuries involving blood and guts. Rumor has it that Delicia would rather eat broccoli than look at blood—and she absolutely despises broccoli.

And now, time for Delicia's stats!

Crest: Cethleann (major)

Heroes’ Relic/Sacred Weapon: Caduceus Staff

Strengths: Faith, Reason, Flying

Weaknesses: Sword, Axe

Hidden Talent: Lance

Personal Skill: “Ew!”— After landing a hit with a battalion, will push away all enemies in range 5 spaces away and gain 2+ to Mag, Res, and HP

Ideal Classes: Monk, Priest, Bishop, Gremory, Dark Flier, Pegasus Knight, Falcon Knight

Learnable Magic: Heal, Physic, Ward, Restore, Nosferatu, Aura, Seraphim, Wind, Cutting Gale, Excalibur

Ideal Combat Arts: Tempest Lance, Knightkneeler, Hit and Run

Selection Quotes (Academy): "Ugh, Battle!" (normal), "Okay, I got this…" (mid-health), "I think I’m gonna be sick!" (critical health)

As the primary healer of the Cotton Candy Elephants, Delicia specializes in Faith Magic first and Reason Magic second. However, her Reason growth rates are slightly higher than typical healers, and are on par with an offense mage like Dorothea. Delicia herself was envisioned as a combination of Dorothea and Linhardt, having the fashion sense and attitude of the former, combined with the healing focus and smart-mouthed personality of the latter, minus the sleepiness (there's another student in this class who's always sleepy, but she's related to Lorenz). She's even got his Academy Phase selection quote. Her best stats are Res, Mag, and Cha.

A social butterfly, Delicia is super easy to build support with. Due to her high Cha stat, she is easy to have tea parties with an is an excellent candidate for the Dancer class (I'm just gonna say that making Tristesse the Dancer is funnier). For dining, her favorite meals are: Vegetable Pasta Salad, Sweet Bun Trio, Saghert and Cream, Peach Sorbet, Two-Fish Sauté, and Bourgeois Pike. At the dining table, she has unique dialogue with another classmate, Envidia Desiree Dominic. Delicia's preferred gifts include the Stylish Hair Clip, Floral Adornment, Gemstone Beads, Tea Leaves, and Roses. While she can support with everyone in her class, her supports outside her house are limited to: Dorothea, Linhardt, Ferdinand, Sylvain, Lorenz, Hilda, Constance, Manuela, and Flayn. As for S-Support, she is locked to Male Byleth.

Fun Fact: Delicia's name means "delightful". Ironic, considering that she's someone who is rarely delighted by anything, and is easily repulsed by everything around her.

DO NOT REPOST!!! Also on deviantART

[moondust-bard]

Your wip’s protagonist is attending a costume party.

[commonguttersnipe]

Keeping Up With The Britons (King Arthur x Queen Guinevere)

Summary: After returning from his most holy (and fruitless) quest, King Arthur has to face the wrath of his fair wife, Queen Guinevere.

923 AD England.

The ivy-covered court of Camelot had seen its fair share of absurdity: knights bickering over the proper velocity of unladen swallows (African or European was the question), garderobe fashion shows, and guards defecating over the battlements, but nothing could compare to the English ruler’s hunt for the holy grail.

Arthur, King of the Britons, sat on his throne, visibly deflating as his queen paced furiously in front of him, her green robe swishing like an angry sea of broccoli.

“Let me see if I understand this properly,” Guinevere began, her tone so sharp it could’ve been used as a sword. “You—my husband—have spent the last TWENTY YEARS…”

“Nineteen,” Arthur interjected timidly.

She stopped dead in her tracks, spinning to glare at him. “Do NOT quibble with me about numbers right now, Arthur. If anything, that makes it WORSE.”

He sank lower in his throne. “Well, alright...”

“TWENTY YEARS,” she continued, throwing up her hands for emphasis, “you and the boys, trampling around the countryside-”

“I wouldn’t call it trampling, exactly…”

“-only to come home empty-handed? No Grail. No glory. No divine blessing to justify your ridiculous obsession. Just you, half our men dead or arrested, and a police report!”

Arthur winced. “To be fair, Lancelot is on probation-”

“DON’T YOU DARE DEFEND LANCELOT TO ME!” she roared, slamming her hands on the arms of his throne. “He’s the reason that this whole bloody castle smells like an unholy combination of horse sweat and French perfume!”

Arthur shrank further. “It does linger, doesn’t it? Wait, perfume-”

Ignoring him, Guinevere straightened her posture while pushing her golden hair to the back. “Arthur,” Guinevere said, pinching the bridge of her nose and pacing again, “I need you to answer me one question. Just one.”

Arthur straightened slightly, as if trying to muster some shred of dignity. “Of course, my sweetling. Anything.”

She turned to him, eyes blazing. “What in God’s green earth made you think the Grail was ANYWHERE NEAR ENGLAND?!”

Arthur blinked. “Well, uh…you see…there were these, er, clues…”

“Clues?” Guinevere arched a brow so high it could’ve taken flight.

Arthur nodded solemnly and whined, “God told me.”

“God?!” she sputtered. “Oh, well, clearly that makes it all credible! God just screams reliability, doesn’t He? He never has an ulterior motive at all!”

Arthur frowned. “You’re being blasphemous.”

“Well, I think he’s an idiot.”

“Now, now, there’s no need for that-”

“There is every need for it, Arthur!” Guinevere snapped. “You’ve spent half your life chasing a magical cup based on God’s prattling and some bloke with fireworks!”

“First of all, Tim was NOT just a bloke-”

“Oh, forgive me, Arthur! I wouldn’t want to misrepresent Tim the Enchanter Extraordinaire!”

Arthur sighed, rubbing his temples. “Look, Guinevere, I know it seems foolish in hindsight-”

“Oh, does it? Does it really? Because from where I’m standing, it doesn’t just seem foolish, it seems downright criminally stupid!”

Guinevere planted herself firmly in front of Arthur, arms crossed, the belt of her green robe hanging loose, hinting at far more than court decorum would normally allow. She wasn't unaware of it either. She was mad—and when Guinevere was mad, even her robe staged a rebellion.

“Arthur,” she started, her voice sharp enough to cut through a stone wall, “do you have any idea what I’ve had to deal with? While you’ve been off chasing a cup that probably doesn’t exist, your knights have been engaging in…extracurricular activities that would make a monastery spontaneously combust.”

Arthur, sitting slumped in his throne, tried to meet her gaze but failed miserably. “I can explain…”

“Oh, I’m sure you can,” she cut him off. “Let’s start with Sir Galahad. How long has he been at Castle Anthrax now? A month? Two?”

Arthur winced. “Well, time gets tricky when you’re questing, dear-”

“Don’t you dare,” Guinevere snapped. “He’s been there so long the maidens are no longer maidens, Arthur. They’ve written to thank you for sending him their way! ‘Dearest King Arthur, we would like to express our deepest gratitude for the most thorough… attentions Sir Galahad has been providing. His stamina is unparalleled. Truly, he’s given up to his title as the Chaste.’”

Arthur turned red, sputtering. “I thought he’d resist temptation!”

“Resist? Arthur, he’s been doing so much penance he’s run out of rosary beads to count!” Guinevere leaned in, her tone low and mocking. “Do you know what they call him now? Saint Galahad of the ‘Multiple Rounds Table’.”

Arthur groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I’ll send a messenger.”

“Oh, don’t bother. He’s too busy receiving and giving oral sex!”

Arthur yanked his crown off and clutched it like a lifeline. “Galahad’s just…overwhelmed. He’s always been the sensitive type.”

Guinevere barked out a laugh. “Sensitive? That man’s got maidens on a rotation! One for breakfast, one for lunch, and, oh yes, two for dinner.” She straightened and jabbed a finger in Arthur’s chest. “And don’t think you’re getting off easy with Sir Robin.”

Arthur flinched as though physically struck. “What about Robin? He’s…a poet now!”

“A poet?!” Guinevere threw her arms up in disbelief. “Arthur, he’s written twelve verses about running away! ‘The Ballad of My Brave Retreat,’ they’re calling it. The French have adopted it as their national anthem!”

“Well, it’s a catchy tune-”

“It’s embarrassing,” she snapped, pacing now, her robe falling further open with every stride. “He’s hosting a bardic retreat! Charging aspiring cowards three pence a head to teach them the art of ‘strategic withdrawal!’ And don’t get me started on what he’s calling the ‘Retreat and Rear’ technique!”

Arthur squirmed. “It’s, uh…good for morale?”

“Morale?! His last performance involved interpretive dance where he mimed hiding under a bed!”

Arthur stared at the floor, trying to find a crack big enough to crawl into. Guinevere wasn’t finished.

“And Lancelot,” she hissed.

Arthur’s head shot up. “Oh, no. Not Lance.”

“Oh, yes. Your noblest knight, your fearless champion, your ‘bringer of swift justice’—he’s been shacked up with Prince Herbert of Swampcastle!”

“He’s a hostage!” Arthur protested weakly.

“Hostage?” Guinevere echoed with mockery. “Is that what we’re calling it now? Because Herbert’s been sending love letters signed ‘Your little songbird.’ And don’t think I didn’t notice Lancelot’s new wardrobe. ‘Velvet doublets and embroidered tights!’” She threw her arms out theatrically. “He’s a homosexual!”

Arthur opened and closed his mouth several times, unable to form a coherent response.

“Oh, and guess what?” Guinevere leaned down, her lips close to his ear, her voice dropping to a sultry whisper. “Lancelot’s apparently been teaching Herbert the fine art of swordplay. Only, I don’t think it’s the kind you learn in a jousting tournament.”

Arthur opened his mouth to retort, but Guinevere wasn’t done.

“And let’s not forget the time you spent arguing with Frenchmen-”

“They were very rude!”

“-and being nearly killed by a bloody rabbit!”

“It was a vicious rabbit, Guinevere. You weren’t there.”

“Oh, I wasn’t there? No, Arthur, I wasn’t there because I was too busy ruling the kingdom! Someone had to make sure the castle was protected due to the king off chasing imaginary chalices!”

Arthur stood abruptly, his armour jangling. “It wasn’t just about the Grail, Guinevere!” he shouted, his voice echoing through the hall.

“Oh, really?” she shot back. “Then what was it about? Enlighten me, oh wise King of the Britons!”

Arthur took a deep breath, his shoulders sagging. “It was about proving I was worthy,” he said quietly.

Guinevere blinked. “Worthy of what?”

“Of…everything,” Arthur admitted, his voice cracking slightly. “The sword. The crown. You.”

Guinevere froze. For the first time that evening, she was silent.

Arthur glanced at her, his watery blue eyes filled with guilt and something else—something softer. “Do you know what it’s like, Guinevere? To feel like you’re just some bloke who got lucky pulling a sword out of a rock? To wonder if you’re just a fraud and everyone’s too polite to say it?”

Guinevere stared at him, her expression unreadable. Then, to Arthur’s utter shock, she burst out laughing.

“W-what’s so funny?” he stammered, genuinely baffled.

“You,” she said, clutching her sides. “Arthur, you daft old fool. Do you honestly think anyone cares about that bloody sword? Or the Grail?”

Arthur frowned. “They don’t?”

“Of course not!” she said, still laughing. “Do you think the peasants sit around saying, ‘Oh, I wonder if King Arthur is worthy today?’ No, they’re too busy worrying about whether the turnips will grow or if the feudal system has changed at all!”

Arthur scratched his head. “I suppose that’s…comforting?”

Guinevere stepped closer, placing a hand on his cheek. “Arthur, you’re not perfect. God knows you’ve made your share of mistakes-”

He winced. “Like the rabbit?”

“Like the rabbit,” she confirmed with a smirk. “But you’ve got a good heart. And you don’t need a magical cup to prove it.”

Arthur looked at her, his expression softening. “Do you really mean that?”

Guinevere rolled her eyes. “Of course I do, you idiot. Now sit down before you fall over. You look like you haven’t slept in a decade.”

Arthur chuckled, sinking back into his throne. “You’re not wrong.”

Guinevere sat beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. “For the record,” she said, her voice teasing, “if you ever try to chase the Grail again, I will personally pack your things and send you to live with that French Taunter”

Arthur laughed, wrapping an arm around her. “Fair enough.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a moment before Guinevere spoke again.

“Though,” she said thoughtfully, “if the Grail is real, it’s probably in Jerusalem.”

Arthur groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“Not helping, Guinevere.”

“Not trying to,” she replied with a grin.