#bro you are NOT okay you're not fooling anybody

[ethaneldritch]

me trying to spend the three meager wishes i diligently grinded out today:

my baizhu for absolutely no reason because the background noises didn't pause:

[tender-rosiey]

MY DEAR AND BEAUTIFUL ROSE<3. I saw that your requests are open and I wanted to ask about my husband (Sukuka cough cough) a scenario where the husband Sukuna saves the reader from the enemy, or someone tries to kidnap and hurt his wife! you write Sukuna's feelings so beautifully <3

fools' sentence — ryomen sukuna x f!reader

a/n: bro you're too kind ilysm; I really hope you like this too <3

if only you listened to that rude servant about not going out of the castle.

it’s a bitter thought really, but you just couldn’t let your pride be scarred by somebody who doesn’t even speak to you in a minimal amount of respect.

so, in a way, you’re okay with dying a proud queen who doesn’t let anybody disrespect her.

“oh, we are going to have so much fun with you, and that monstrous husband of yours will just see your mutilated body after we’re done with you,” the guy grins devilishly. you back up slightly.

okay, so maybe, you don’t want to die just yet.

“that impudent woman! she disobeyed me, and now, we are stuck looking for her, so we can find her before sukuna returns!” the servant complains loudly while walking the halls of the castle.

“and who is that impudent woman you speak of? surely, it isn’t my wife you’re addressing in such a manner,” a voice—a very distinct and well-known one—says from behind the servant.

only then does she realize the shadow that suddenly was casted from above her.

she quickly falls to her knees and starts stuttering out her apologies and excuses, “o-of course not, my lord! how could I ever speak ill of the lady of the castle! her presence is to be respected, naturally!”

after she is done, she lets silence fill the room. assuming that sukuna has believed her, she lets out a sigh of relief, and her body relaxes ever so slightly.

however, an ear-piercing scream is ripped out of her throat when sukuna steps on her foot, so roughly that it breaks.

sukuna groans, annoyed at the incessant scream and wailing of the lady, and he throws a question, “where is your queen?”

the woman keeps on sobbing but tries to speak out nonetheless, “s—she, she,” she hiccups, but sukuna has no time to listen to her bellow.

“faster! where is she?”

she buries her face in the ground to quieten her sobs, but she doesn’t get the chance to respond to him when uraume appears out of thin air.

they kneel to the ground and speak humbly, “my lord, lady y/n has been taken as a hostage by a group of sorcerers.”

sukuna eyes’ widen, and he frowns.

he quickly turns to leave but not before making a command, “uraume, every servant who was careless and caused her disappearance is to be beheaded immediately.”

you thank god for men being prideful creatures who love speaking about themselves. you only asked them once about their accomplishments and raids, and they never stopped talking.

with a couple of positive encouragements from you, they talked and talked till the sun went down.

the doors of the room you’re trapped in slams open, and a fearful boy screams out, “sukuna—sukuna is here!”

“what?!” they all snap, and you grin. finally, you were going to be freed from this cage.

unfortunately, one of the men notices your beaming expression. his face contorts, livid, and he quickly fists your hair in his hand. you let out a scream, but he slams you against the wall.

he shouts, “shut up! you’re the one that lured him here! you stalled till he could find you! you wretched woman!”

“are you stupid?! you take his wife, and you expect him to stand idly by?!” you reply, voice hoarse, and unable to accept taking what he said lying down.

you can’t, however, control the dizziness that hits you, and you can feel blood trickling down your nose.

the only thing that comforts you is the sound of slashes and the calling of your name by your darling husband.

you smirk at the man above you and whisper, “ever saw sukuna in action?”

the man grits his teeth and before he throws a punch at your face, the door flies and gets crushed into pieces. the man quickly throws you away, so he can focus all his energy on sukuna.

but, sukuna instead moves to be right by your side and shields you from the ground.

he wraps an arm around you and pulls you a bit closer.

his eyes carefully scan you; he clenches his jaw at the sight of the blood. he carefully wipes it and moves your face towards him with one of his hands. he speaks up, “you alive?”

“don’t you ignore me, sukuna—” the man sneers, but he is quickly silenced. he sees his tongue flying to the ground. the sight scares him to the core, he starts screaming—or his attempt at one.

his knees feel weak, and he falls to the ground. his blood pools slowly on the ground.

sukuna shifts your focus back to him again, and you respond slowly, “alive and kicking,” raising a thumbs up. he nods and gently lays you down on the ground.

you wince a little and complain lightly, “this place is dusty.”

he hums, “wait a second.”

your husband rises to his feet and turns to the man. sukuna approaches the man, taking his time with each step. anger swirls violently inside of him, and his eyes looked down sharply at the man.

the sorcerer quivers and covers his mouth; he quickly backs up to the wall. he sukuna scoffs, “you’re still annoying even after taking your tongue out?”

the man’s pride almost causes him to retort back with a yell of his own.

but then sukuna snatches him up by the hair and stares him right in the eyes, “for every strand of hair you’ve touched on her head, I will make you bellow in pain till your vocal chords are ripped into shreds.”

you groan and stir lightly. you slowly open your eyes and examine your surroundings. you’re back in the castle; you smile and relax back into your pillow.

“so you’ve finally awaken?”

you turn to your husband with a grin, “hey handsome.”

“why did you leave the castle?”

straight to the point. you prop yourself up on the pillow and sit up. you look at him then look away, “it’s kind of embarrassing actually.”

“not your first,” he responds, and you pointedly ignore him.

“I wanted to greet you before you arrived at the gate,” you murmur then quip, “but I didn’t even go beyond the fence! I was still in the area!”

he listens quietly and sits beside you. he pulls you against his chest, “you do not need to do anything like that.”

you look up at him with a small smile and he finds himself letting out a small breath—of fondness?—he closes his eyes and speaks in absolute manner, “you should know that I will always come for you.”

taglist: @magenta-cat-drawingss@pompompurin1028@scul-pted@requiem626k@nameless-shrimp@sonder-paradise@jessbeinme15s-notebook @todorokichills @ginneko @missrown @shrynkk @simplyxsinned @beautiful-is-boring @starlostlaiba @izukus-gf @irethepotato @thekaylahub @dazaisbloodybandages @aeanya @sweetcloudsimp @moon-catto @the-midnightskies@pianopuppygirl @gojosblackqueen @kryscent @kunikida-simp @whoami-72 @mx-0-child @fiona782 @kisakitwister @imjustasimpxd @psychopotatomeme @dreamcastgirl99 @watyousayin @doobiebochana @laylasbunbunny @hojicha-expresso @4sat0ruu @nineooooo @chuuyasboots @alekssashka7 @rieejjyubi02 @satoryaa @nothisispatrick300 @fallencrescentmoon @etheviese @ho34gojo @the-mom-friend-dot-com @the-weeping-author @stray-npc @libbyistired @anon1412 @anakalana @maehemthemisfit @satorustar @b4nka1@sad-darksoul@ko-fi-heart@pumpkindudeishere@suyaaachin@babyqueen17@chaosguy352@murakami-kotone@sukun4ryomen@yumieis@hearts4itoshi@sleepyxxhead@dunixxd@sleepycrybbylaiah @imjustaduckwholikesbread @emilyyyy-08@spacebaby1@arabellatreaty@viscade @washeduphasbeen @janbannan @sugurubabe @enidths @mwtsxri @peppersapro @uranosbaaee

copyright © tender-rosiey

do not copy or plagiarize or I will write your name on the list I give to sylus

[snoopledrooplecheesedoodle]

HI! Sorry, first time doing something like this, I just really liked your fic of the yandere neko cafe!

I was wondering if you could do this request, just if you feeling like it, of course, is just how some of your ocs (anybody really, I like them all, lol) would react to Reader getting gifted some cat ears and actually putting them on?

tysm, keep up the work, u're doing amazing!

Damn even Donut (jk I love him too)? It melts my heart that you like my characters and I think this would be cute. Thank you for requesting from me, I find it very sweet.

Yandere Cat Cafe's Reactions to you wearing cat Ears

Totally ecstatic:

Macchi:

Macchi loves cats and you, combining them makes you all the more irresistible. She doesn't care how you get them because this girl is buying you more. Ooh maybe she'll buy calico ears so you're matching! Maybe even matching outfits too! Wait where are you going, she's just getting started!

Cocoa:

OMG! You look totally fabulous! She has to take some pictures of you and two and post them! Just two cute besties, #purrfectpair! You will be sore from smiling as Cocoa gets different photos from different angles. How can she not when you both look so cute! Wait you know she saw a few items in the mall that would look fab with your ears. She's got coupons! You end up being dragged away on a shopping spree with a very happy Burmese.

Cookie and Muffin:

The twin terrors and fooling around behind the counter (under Shopkeeper's watchful eye) trying to make sweetest drink possible. When it's to their satisfaction they run to get you to try it. Baba look what they ma-Oh my gosh you're just like them! They knew you were perfect for their little family! They drop the drink forgetting all about it, instead asking why you were hiding your ears from them before. You try to explain that they are fake, but the twins are so happy you fake some story about not feeling confident with them out. Good luck getting out of this one because now you'll be wearing cat ears 24/7 to keep up the lie.

Matcha:

Bro's your biggest supporter (bro but gender neutral), you could walk in wearing a trash bag and Matcha would think you were the most ethereal being to walk the planet Earth. You walking in with cat ears makes them want to cry, you look so heavenly. You panic a little bit as they grab onto your ankle and weep while singing your praises. They just want to worship you as you deserve. Definitely wants you to buy a cat collar, not for yourself but for them. They just want to be yours and seeing you looking so cute eggs them on.

Meh:

Shopkeeper:

Shopkeeper finds it amusing that you prance into their cafe wearing cat ears. Do you want them to serve your coffee in a saucer for you to lap at? Don't look so frustrated it will only egg them on further. Besides that, Shopkeeper is neither ecstatic nor completely hating the idea. They love you for you and cat ears will make no difference.

Espresso:

Espresso is pretty nonchalant about the cat ears, if it makes you happy and doesn't harm anyone go for it. If anyone talks bad in public about you wearing them, you get scary cat privileges as Espresso looks more like a panther behind you. Glaring as he shields you from the offending party. He will probably be more into them when he starts drawing pictures of you with cat ears. Besides that, no big reaction.

Cappuccino:

So, you still going to cuddle them? Okay then they don't care. Cap don't give a single fuck, definition of apathy. Only reason they are slightly interested is because they are on you. If you were to do things that cats do to show affection like bring Cap gifts or nuzzle them. You won't be leaving the cafe without being dragged off to a secluded area and being thoroughly marked. Sides that lazy kitty don't care.

Croissant:

Confused Croissant activated. Are you trying to court him? He's flattered immensely but don't you think this method is a little unorthodox? Croissant flushing like you kissed him in public. He isn't used to people going out of their way for his affections, so give him some space. He will accept your silent confession just try not to do something like this in public again please.

Hates it:

Sugar:

Don't get her wrong, she thinks you're cute, but she can't help but find the display childish. She wants you to be happy but at the same time she wants to have sway over how you look. If you wanted accessories, you should ask her. Sugar is a well-known rising actress because of her hardworking attitude and alluring figure. She's got money to spoil you with any accessory you want, as long as she approves. Preferably a nice little pure silver chain she can hold onto.

Butch:

Cats. It's always those fuckers. He works at a cat cafe and such but that doesn't mean he's a cat lover (bro you literally like Shopkeeper stfu). Bares his teeth at this display, you really love riling him up and pretending that you did nothing wrong. He'll rip those disgusting things off your head and get you a proper pair of dog ears. Wait what why is he saying this, he doesn't like you like that?!

Donut:

Darling why did you accept some scoundrel's gift so easily. He'd adore them he bought them but some mangy person, that's too far! He's a model and Shopkeeper pays extremely well he can buy you anything you want. Pouts and complains about the ears getting in the way of snuggle time. Gets more jealous if you refuse to let him replace them. If you insist on cheating on him so openly there will be consequences.

[totallynotthedarkreunion]

I have some papa headcannons guys.

Baby's first semi-coherent thought!!! Under the break

Peemo

I don't think about Primo all that much because I know like nothing about him but I like to think that before he was introduced as frontman the ghouls were passing around a rumor that he wasn't like a chill satanist (?) And he like sacrificed babies and stuff. Of course none of that was true but he was still feared until they actually met him and when he wasn't like they thought he was they were all like what the hell. Who are you

The rumors probably arose (along with this HC) from his song lyrics being significantly more Satan-centralized than Nihil's. Like idk if anybody noticed but in comparison to the other albums, Opus basically sounds like "SIX SIX SIX SATAN SATAN SATAN" and honestly I'm here for it

Secondo

Bro definitely has descendants on every continent. I don't think we talk enough about how Terzo is more of a whore in theory but Secondo is a whore in practice. He's just too grumpy to talk about it but he'll sing

Also his ghouls had an obsession with slapping his bald head. Probably part of the reason he was always so grumpy

I feel like he also has asthma and snores loud af when he sleeps. Also he plays golf. My bio teacher said for Christmas he gives people golf clubs that are exactly his size even if they don't play golf so that he can just use them. Secondo would do the same thing

And since infestissumam is about the current presence of Satan I feel like he's the kind of guy to just never think about the past or future. Not in the way that he makes bad decisions (well maybe partially considering the first bullet) but he never talks about what he's going to do after retirement or the history of the ministry, he's focused on the now. Just a thought

Terzo

Okay so. I have a feeling that Terzo despised his big brother. He was like "this bitch doesn't just have a stick up his ass he has the whole tree". So when the mask miscommunication happened I imagine Terzo having his face painted five minutes before the show and when he looks in the mirror to see it looks a little too much like secondo he's all like "what. I need to look cooler than him, can you redo it" and the makeup artist is like you have five minutes. It's this or nothing. So Terzo went on stage anyway and he felt like an absolute fool.

Also because of the title of his album I think about his goals for the band, and usually the thoughts come in the form of a conversation with Omega. They're just chilling one night together while Terzo is still a cardinal and Terzo just out of the blue goes "Omega. I'm going to help this band touch the heavens. We're going to be the best we've ever been when I'm Papa." And Omega is like aw you're adorable now get some sleep you need a nap. But terzo is verging on obsession with being the greatest, grandest, and most lovable and admirable papa there ever was, and he ends up achieving it with such ease that even the ghouls' jaws are on the floor.

Copia

I think sometimes maybe Copia never really wanted to be a Cardinal because of the work that comes with it. He likes to procrastinate and stuff so a governmental-esque job where he has to be motivated and actually do stuff doesnt really suit him very well. He was raised to be a member of the Clergy and didn't realize he had a choice until it was too late. But luckily, once he becomes the frontman of the band, even if it's to Nihil's chagrin, he starts to find joy in his profession with his performances and such.

Anyway that's it. Thanks bye

[lisforlarsony]

Incorrect DPS pt 3

Charlie: I would never say that Cameron is a bitch and I don’t don’t like him. That’s not true… Cameron is a bitch and I like him so much!

---

Neil: So, Todd, do you have a crush on anyone?

Todd: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.

---

Charlie, dramatically: They called me a fool.

Neil, sick of Charlie's shit: They weren’t wrong.

---

Charlie: Is the pink panther a lion?

Cameron: Say that again but slower.

Charlie: I don’t get it.

Cameron: He’s a PANTHER.

Charlie: Is that a type of lion?

Cameron: No, it’s a fucking panther.

Charlie: *googles panther* They aren’t pink?

Cameron: AND LIONS ARE?!

---

Neil: Ow!

Todd: What’s wrong?

Neil: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

Todd: It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

---

Chris: I have very high standards, you know.

Ginny: I can make spaghetti...

Chris: Oh no! You're meeting all my standards!

---

Cameron: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?!

Knox: Alright.

Charlie: Hey, I-

Cameron: SHUT UP!

Charlie: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!!

Knox: It was bound to be stupid.

---

Todd: I can't believe you've done this.....

Neil: I'm sorry I didn't know-!

Todd, on the verge of tears: YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE!

---

Knox: Bro-

Charlie: No, no, hold up, rewind.

Charlie: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??

---

Todd: I owe you one.

Neil: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.

---

Here are links to part one and 2

[lelitachay]

Frozen fanfiction: Søsken

Summary: An accident in the North Mountain forces Elsa to spend several weeks in her brother’s apartment under Anna's care. During that time, Anna realises there is more to Elsa than meets the eye. The truth about Elsa’s past comes to light after an unexpected family reunion, and both girls’ lives begin to fall apart when they realise Elsa wasn’t the only one with a big secret and a turbulent past.

Anna/Kristoff - Elsa - Family - Family drama - hurt/comfort - Modern AU - Elsa & Kristoff are adoptive brother and sister - Ice bros - Found family - Serious injuries - Mental health issues - Health issues - Frohana

Links:

Fanfiction.net - HERE

AO3 - HERE

Tumblr - Chapters 1 to 10 - Here   Chapters 11 to 20 - Here Chapters 21 to 30 - Here Chapters 31 to 40 - Here Chapter 41 - Here Chapter 42 - Here Chapter 43 - Here Chapter - 44 - Here

-

Comfortably numb

Is there anybody in there?

“Anna?” Elsa said, blinking a few times as she realised her sister was standing in the kitchen, her forearms casually resting on the top rail of the opposite chair. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey, you.” Anna smiled at her and sat down on the chair. “Kristoff called me this morning. He said you weren't doing so well. I wanted to give you some time to get better, but I just had to come, you know? Make sure you are alright after everything that happened.”

“I'm fine.” The answer came automatically, and Elsa wondered how long she had stayed sitting there, unmoving. It couldn’t be long, if not, Gerda would’ve dragged her to bed. She remembered ending a call with Marshall but she couldn't for the life of her remember what she had planned to do afterwards. Hadn't she been planning to go to bed? She raised her head and saw Anna, looking at her with a puzzled expression. How long had she stayed silent? Her mind kept lagging and the fog kept getting thicker. "You shouldn't have bothered coming. It's just a fever."

"No offence," Anna said, dropping her smile. "But you look terrible. Are you sure you're okay?"

"The drugs make me dizzy, that's all." No matter how hard she tried to downplay it, something told Elsa she was not fooling anyone this time. She was feeling weaker than she had in years and the dull ache all over her body was becoming difficult to ignore.

"Do you want me to come back another time? I totally don't mind—"

"Stay," Elsa ordered, not giving Anna much of an option. "This nausea will go away…" She couldn’t remember the amount of times she had repeated that over the day and hoped her sister could become a needed distraction. 

"It’s nice to see you’re finally eating something.” Anna pointed with her head to the brunost toasts that were still waiting to be eaten. “Seriously, I wonder how you manage to go on for hours without food in your stomach. We skipped lunch today and I can barely think of anything else.”

"You like it, don't you?” Elsa pushed the tray closer to Anna, showing no intention of eating the food in it. She had given her best trying to drink the tea Gerda had made, but all she had managed was half a cup.

Anna’s cheeks flushed red. "Are you sure?" 

Elsa smiled and thought of how truly endearing her sister could be without realising. Her eyes were shining at the mere prospect of eating something as simple as some toast with cheese on top. She pushed the tray closer and nodded.

Without a second thought, Anna grabbed one of the toasts and took a bite without decorum. "Thank you. I love these," she said with her mouth full.

Elsa smiled again and enjoyed the silence that surrounded them while Anna preoccupied herself with the food. Even if it only lasted a few seconds.

And true to it, Anna carried on the conversation as soon as her mouth could articulate the sounds. "So…?" she said, as if she was expecting Elsa to start talking.

"Huh?"

"Will you tell me what happened the other night?"

"What do you mean?"

"The last time we saw each other," Anna began to say as she grabbed a second toast. "You left Kristoff’s place to go after Marshall. You can’t expect me not to ask about it." She then took another big bite, making Elsa wonder what would happen if Anna ever had to go without food for more than ten hours.

“So…” Anna insisted when she noticed Elsa had yet again got distracted.

It had only been a day and a half since those things had happened, but to Elsa it felt much longer. The fever had made her lose track of time in the worst sense and she felt the hours stretch for as long as they could at times. It was yet another way she felt she was losing control and she couldn’t stand it.

"We talked and…" Sighing tiredly, Elsa tried to come up with something to say that wouldn’t force her to talk about all that again. "You were right, I guess. I had to have more faith in him."

"I knew it!" Anna said with a triumphant laugh. "Now give me the details."

"There isn’t much to say." She was happy about having talked to Marshmallow, but she didn't have the energy to truly dwell on it, at least not the way Anna was expecting.

Just as Anna was opening her mouth to complain, Gerda walked into the kitchen, giving a fleeting glance to the tray in front of Anna. Her mouth twitched in disapproval for just a split of a moment and Elsa looked away, not wanting to see her disappointed look.

"Sorry to interrupt," Gerda said with a smile, pretending to ignore Elsa’s lack of appetite. "It’s time for Elsa to take these."

Elsa pulled a face as soon as her mother placed the small pill cup in front of her. “Is it really necessary?”

“Anna, would you like something to drink?” Gerda asked her daughter-in-law, paying no mind to Elsa’s question.

“I guess it is,” Elsa murmured to herself, knowing perfectly well when Gerda’s lack of an answer was an answer in itself.

Anna smiled and answered Gerda's question before she turned to Elsa to continue their conversation. “You didn’t return. You must have gone somewhere.”

“I just went home.” Elsa made an effort to sit up straighter on her chair and picked the cup, not without looking at the pills inside with disgust.

“Kristoff said Marshall brought you here yesterday,” Anna suggested, hoping it would get Elsa to say something about it.

To Anna’s disappointment, Elsa didn’t answer. She was too concerned about the pills she had to take and the presence of her mother, who was still in the kitchen. She was certain her Gerda wouldn't leave any time soon, and she needed to find a way to take them without making her stomach turn. Deep down she knew her legs wouldn't support her weight on the way to the bathroom if she couldn't keep them in.

Being so focused on the medicine, Elsa failed to notice Gerda, who was calling Anna's attention over her shoulder. She had been paying attention to their conversation and decided to point out one important detail Anna hadn't noticed. 

Anna understood there was something the old woman was trying to tell her, but she couldn’t interpret what it was. Until, after a few seconds of Gerda’s exasperated looks and mimics, the realisation dawned on her. Gerda was playfully trying to show her Elsa's extremely oversized t-shirt. A t-shirt Anna was sure didn’t belong to Kristoff.

The moment Elsa raised her eyes again, she was surprised to see Anna's accusatory finger pointing at her. "You stinker…” Anna said, a grin slowly drawing on her face as she spoke. "You're wearing one of his t-shirts!" 

Elsa put the cup down and looked at her sister again before she looked down at the clothes she was wearing. She breathed out in irritation when she noticed she was in fact still wearing the t-shirt Marshall had lent her the previous day.

“You two spent the night together, didn’t you?” Anna amusingly accused, not being able to hide her excitement.

“No, we didn’t.” Elsa knew there was nothing she could say or do at this point to convince Anna otherwise, but somehow she had to try. At least to save Marshall from whatever story Anna was coming up with in her head.

Before Anna had the chance to protest, however, Gerda spoke again. And what Elsa originally thought to be her mother coming to her rescue, turned out to be an act of treachery. "It’s none of my business," Gerda said, pretending to be on Elsa's side. "But the blanket in her room is not hers either."

Turning around, as fast as her headache and dizziness allowed her, Elsa fulminated the old woman with a simple look. "Gerda, please, you’re not helping," she said between her teeth.

"Thank you for showing me your daughter is a barefaced liar, Gerda," Anna laughed and Elsa wished the earth could swallow her at that moment.

Once again, she couldn't help thinking how stupid she had been for not trusting Marshall the night she lost control of her powers. Staying at the mountain and talking to him — even if she suffered a second panic attack — had to be better than suffering from high fever, pain, and now feeling as if she'd die of embarrassment. "You two are getting it all wrong," she said in a small voice.

Not knowing what to do to hide her mortification, she leaned on the table and hid her face in the crook of her good arm. She could feel her head becoming extremely hot, making her feel even sicker than before. She wasn't sure if it was the embarrassment or her body choosing the worst possible time to raise its temperature, but she wanted the insufferable feeling to go away.

"Not to go against your word, dear.” She could hear Gerda say, as she lay a comforting hand on her back. “But, you’re the one who came home in your friend’s arms, wrapped up in one of his blankets and wearing his clothes. I think we are getting it just right."

"I don’t know why I even bother," Elsa murmured, her arm and the wooden table muffling her voice. Even if she had a justified reason to explain everything that had happened, she was too tired to deal with any of it anymore. All she wanted to do was go to bed and ignore Anna and Gerda, as well as the headache.

The older woman smiled sadly at her daughter and gently stroked her back. She reminded Elsa to take her pills, and with an excuse of needing to make a phone call in the other room, she left both girls alone once again.

Even if deep down Anna knew there was no need to keep dragging Elsa over the mud, she couldn’t let the chance of finally knowing what was really going on between her sister and the mountaineer escape. "You’re a terrible liar, you know?" she commented nonchalantly, unaware of Elsa's discomfort. “At this point I don’t even know why you try.”

"You make a big deal out of everything," Elsa said in a low voice.

The table tilted under the palm of her hand, and she raised her head to try and regain some stability. Her breathing was becoming more elaborated and her head was spinning. Knowing she couldn’t stay where she was for much longer, she tried to stand up but her legs wouldn’t cooperate, forcing her to use both arms to hold her weight on the table.

"Of course I make a big deal out of everything you two do. You're the only one blind enough not to see—  Hey! Wow, Elsa, are you okay?” Anna stood up and tried to catch her before she fell to the ground.

Cursing out loud at the pain, Elsa let her body slump into the chair before Anna reached her. The sudden movement and pain that coursed through her hand left Elsa gasping for breath. She wasn’t supposed to be feeling this way. It was just a fever…

Get you on your feet again.

“What?” Elsa said breathlessly, looking up and finding Anna leaning over her.

“I asked if you were okay. What happened?”

Realising her mind was playing tricks, bringing back memories she wished she could erase, she nodded and tried to get a hold of her breathing. "Can you help me get to my room?"

--

"Help you get–” Anna repeated, still trying to make sense of everything that had happened in an instant. She was aware Elsa had not been feeling well, yet she hadn't imagined her body was so weak it wouldn't support its own weight. “Are you sure you're okay?"

“Please…” Elsa begged Anna to help her and she cursed under her breath for not noticing Elsa was so sick sooner. “I don't want Gerda to worry. The dizziness will go away, but I need to lay down."

"Sure, let me– I'm sorry,” Anna said as she put an arm around her sister’s waist. “I didn't realise. I'm sorry."

After insisting Elsa leaned all her weight on her, Anna walked her out of the kitchen and straight into her bedroom. The moment they got there, Elsa allowed her body to sink into the bed with a heavy sight.

Sitting on the bed next to her sister, Anna cupped Elsa's face with one hand and exclaimed, “God, Elsa… You’re burning.”

“I can’t feel my powers anymore.”

Anna couldn't understand what she meant, but something told her Elsa had no energy left to explain it, and so she didn't ask.

“Elsa…” Anna called her name as she gently pushed her bangs away from her eyes. “Are you sure you don't want us to call a doctor? You don't look good.”

“All he does is put me to sleep,” Elsa explained through laboured breaths. “Making me sicker by the time I wake up again. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

Anna looked at her with a pained expression, feeling conflicted. She knew how much Elsa despised the way drugs, and being in the presence of a doctor, made her feel, but she looked too sick to convince her she would get well on her own anytime soon. “I don’t know, Elsa. At least we should let Gerda know.”

“You know,” Elsa said, ignoring Anna’s concern. She was looking at her, but she didn't seem to be able to stay focused. “When I was a child I had a fever. Now I've got that feeling once again.”

‘I had the worst fever I’ve ever had that night…’ The memory of their conversation about her childhood all those months ago slammed back into Anna's memories, making her shudder. Was her sister feeling the same way she had felt back then? “I'm calling Gerda.”

But before Anna could leave her side, Elsa stopped her by holding her wrist. The grab was weak, but it meant enough to stop Anna from leaving. "Els, please, at least let me go get your medicine."

"Stay…" Elsa insisted, tightening her hold on Anna's wrist slightly.

She was certain Elsa's frown was meant to appease her pain and Anna felt like an idiot for letting her sister fool her. The first thing she had noticed when she got in the kitchen was how weak and tired she looked sitting alone, unaware of her presence. It should've been plain obvious she had been lying about the way she was feeling.

Making up her mind, Anna decided to sit back down next to Elsa, hoping she would fall asleep soon. Only then, she would tell Gerda what was going on. She wouldn't be respecting her sister's wishes exactly, but at least she'd let her sleep for a while before Gerda or anyone started prodding at her.

Absent-mindedly, Anna began to comb her sister's bangs with her fingers. Trying to keep them away from her eyes and not let them stick to her clammy forehead. She stayed by her side for several minutes until, as she had expected, Elsa's eyelids began to close. In less than half an hour, Elsa fell into a deep sleep and Anna took the opportunity to go out of the room and find Gerda.

She had only walked a few steps into the living room when she found her standing by the door with Kai and an older man she didn’t know.

"Anna, I'm glad you're here,” Gerda said, walking towards her as soon as she saw her. “I was on my way to tell you and Elsa that the doctor has arrived."

Breathing out in relief, Anna nodded. "I’m so glad to hear that. She fell asleep some minutes ago, but wasn't doing so well.”

"Something told me she wasn’t being honest." Walking past Anna, Gerda went into Elsa's room. "She's gotten worse in the last couple of hours. I called Jonnas as soon as I noticed her fever had gone up again."

"She said she was feeling dizzy when we were in the kitchen earlier." She didn't think 'dizzy' would describe the way Elsa almost fell to the ground, but she had no better word for it. "I had to help her get to bed. I think she's in pain too."

"Pain?" Gerda said, turning back to her. "Like a headache?"

"I don't know. I don't know how to describe it.” Anna said, getting closer. Gerda was already sitting by Elsa’s side and about to measure her temperature. “You could see she was trying to hide it. She didn’t want to worry you."

Gerda shook her head a few times, worry written all over her face. “If only she’d let me help her, it wouldn’t come to this.” A frown appeared on Gerda’s face when she checked the thermometer. “I'll let the doctor in. You can stay if you want, Anna, but we need to make sure—"

"Don't worry about me," Anna said, shaking her hands in front of her. "I was planning on going home, but I wanted to make sure someone checked on her before I did."

Gerda smiled at her and then turned her attention back to her daughter. "Could you please tell Jonnas to come into Elsa's room? He's talking with Kai in the living room."

With a nod, Anna exited her sister's room and headed to the living room to give the doctor the message as well as pick up her things.

"It's not my place to say if what happened was right or wrong." Anna heard the man say to Kai from the hallway. "But all his colleagues were on his side. He's an emotional man and made a mistake, Kai."

"He's been spending a lot of time with Elsa lately."

Kai's seriousness caught Anna's attention, and she couldn't stop herself from listening a bit more while she picked her jacket and the bag she had been carrying.

"You say that as if it's a bad thing."

"I'm afraid he might do something to her, Jonnas."

Jonnas laughed and Anna thought it didn't make much sense for the doctor to be acting so nonchalantly while Kai seemed so concerned.

"Do you want my opinion?" Jonnas said, resting a comforting hand on Kai's shoulder. "He's a little rough around the edges, but he has a sense of justice worth admiring. He wears his heart upon his sleeve too. I'd say it's a good thing if he keeps Elsa company in the mountains."

It certainly seemed like they were talking about Marshall but, no matter how intrigued she was, it was not her place to ask. She gathered her things and decided to stop their conversation before they got carried away. "Excuse me, Dr. Jonnas?" Anna called their attention. "Gerda asked me to tell you you should go see Elsa. She's in her bedroom."

Turning in her direction, the man smiled and thanked her for letting him know. He picked a bag he had at his feet and left her standing with Kai.

"How's Elsa?" Kai asked, ignoring that she had been listening to their conversation.

"I think it's a good thing the doctor came to see her."

--

Closing the door behind her, Anna looked at her watch and wondered which bus would be best for her to take. It was still early evening, but she had planned to have dinner with her parents and she wanted to have a moment to talk with Idunn while she cooked. Watching her mother cook was one of Anna's favourite family moments ever since she was a kid. And one she wished Elsa could one day enjoy alongside them, but she was trying to stay realistic about it. If she was honest, the day the three of them could sit down to talk seemed too far into the future to even picture it at that moment.

Finally making up her mind on which bus to take, she walked a few metres down the street and noticed there was a familiar SUV parked only a house away from the Bjorgmans'. A mischievous smile drew on her face and she walked straight to the vehicle.

Anna knocked twice on the passenger's window, and laughed at the driver's startled face. "I knew this truck was familiar." Anna said loudly, making sure Marshall heard her from inside.

Marshall leaned over the passenger’s seat and rolled down the window. He looked quite annoyed at her interruption, but Anna knew he was probably only ashamed he had been caught.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, leaning on her elbows over the open window.

"The man who just entered the house is Dr Nielsen, isn’t he?" Marshall asked, not paying attention to Anna's question.

"Is his first name Jonnas?"

Breathing out, doing nothing to conceal his annoyance, he nodded.

"Then that's him. What's wrong?" Deep down she hoped his discontent had nothing to do with the kind of professional the man was.

"Is Mr Bjorgman in the house?"

There was clearly something on Marsh's mind and Anna was too curious on what it was to start complaining about him ignoring her questions. "The two of them were talking in the living room when I left."

"Damn it," Marshal said under his breath and rested his forehead on the steering wheel.

"Everything okay, big guy?" Anna couldn't pretend she wasn't intrigued at that point. One thing was for him to be asking about the doctor and another too different was Kai's presence to be a problem.

"It doesn’t matter…" he said and leaned over towards the passenger's door once again to unlock it. He then gestured to Anna to get inside. "How’s Elsa?" he asked as soon as Anna was sitting by his side.

"You could easily knock on the door and visit her, you know?” she said playfully. “I just did."

Breathing out exasperatedly once again, Marshall tried to keep his irritation under control. "Forget about it." 

"I’m just messing with you." Anna laughed and gently pushed his arm. "So, why are you lurking in the shadows again?"

"I think it's pretty obvious."

Anna looked at him and then at Kai and Gerda's house that could be seen from where they were parked. "You know, I fully support you and I’d like for you to become my brother-in-law one day, but this is borderline stalker behaviour."

Turning red as a beet, Marshall avoided Anna's gaze. "I'm not stalking. I was trying to make up my mind about visiting Elsa when you knocked on my window."

The fact he ignored her comment about them becoming family made Anna grin from ear to ear. His silence on the matter was all the confirmation that she needed at this point. "You don't need to be so shy, you know? Her family won't mind you visiting."

"I wouldn't be so sure," he said, still not meeting her eyes.

"Don’t be ridiculous." She felt as if he was exaggerating, but she could remember how nervous she'd been about meeting the Bjorgmans the first time. She could understand Marshall's apprehension about making the right impression. "You mean the world to Elsa, there's no way they won't—"

"Kai kicked me out last night."

"—welcome you and make you feel… Wait, what?” Anna stopped talking abruptly, trying to make sense of what he had just said. She couldn’t think of a single reason Kai could do something like that. The man was even sweeter than Gerda, for heaven’s sake. "No way,” she said in disbelief. “Did something happen between you two?"

"He blames me for what happened to Elsa.”

"Why would he blame—?"

“We argued and he kicked me out." He stopped her before she sidetracked and their conversation ended up revolving around himself. "Can you tell me how Elsa’s doing?" 

It took a moment for Anna to come out of her shock, as she kept trying to find reasonable explanations to Kai acting in such a way. But she decided to leave it for another time.

"I’m not sure… She was too sick to even stand.” She felt awful about giving him bad news, but the last thing she’d do was lie to him. Maybe knowing Elsa’s condition would give him the push he needed to finally go knock on the Bjorgmans’ door and visit her.

"Did you get to talk to her?"

The concern written in his eyes melted Anna's heart, making her realise what Elsa meant when she said he was the softest person she knew. “She didn't say much,” Anna said, shaking her head. “She was weak, dizzy… and I think she was in pain.”

“How about the fever?”

“High.”

Marshall ran his good hand through his hair and let it rest on the back of his neck, softly massaging it to release some tension. “She called me earlier today, she insisted she was okay but– I don't know…”

Anna looked at the Bjorgmans’ house and wondered if there was something serious going on with Elsa. Gerda was more worried than she remembered ever seeing her, and now Marshall seemed to be concerned as well. Sure, they both loved Elsa, but they were usually more calm and collected than the rest of them. “The doctor's with her right now… Is there a reason we should be worried?”

“Ugh? No. No…” He hesitated. “Don’t worry. Are you staying with Kristoff? Is he picking you up?”

“Oh?” The sudden change of topic made her wonder if there was something he wasn’t telling her; but then again, Anna had no reason not to trust him. If the situation was truly concerning, she was certain he’d be knocking down the Bjorgmans’ door by now. “No. He’s working late today. I was on my way to take a bus home when I saw your car.”

“I'll drive you home, then.” Not waiting for an answer, Marshall started the car and drove off.

“It's not necessary,” Anna tried to say, but he was already focused on his task.

“I’ll feel more useful taking you home than sitting in the car, debating about knocking on Kai’s door or not.”

Understanding he needed to feel useful somehow, Anna ended up accepting his offer. She told him her parents’ address and then let him drive her there in almost complete silence. One thing was to be annoying and talkative when she wanted to get on his nerves or tease him about Elsa, but another thing was to act that way when she could see he was feeling so uneasy about everything that was going on.

To Anna’s surprise, however, he broke the silence before she did. “You’re rarely this quiet,” he said, turning to look at her.

“So… You now know about Elsa, right?” Anna asked, understanding that too quiet could be as bothersome as too talkative sometimes.

With a small smile, he nodded. “We talked the other night. I’ll be honest, I don't understand it. But I want to try…”

“We were all there…” Anna agreed, understanding exactly how he felt. Even if she had been completely accepting of Elsa’s powers, she couldn’t deny the strange feeling she got whenever she looked at her the first few weeks. It wasn’t fear. It wasn't a lack of comfort around her either. But there was this constant feeling of things not making sense. Even to this day, whenever she stopped to think about her sister, Anna had to accept Elsa didn’t make sense. And no doubt Marshall was feeling the same way. “I mean, we still are,” she clarified. “I don’t think any of us really understand.”

“Have you known for a long time?”

“Six or seven months… It seems longer, though.” On the inside, Anna felt as if she had known Elsa for years at this point. So much had happened between their families, it almost felt ridiculous to say she had known about her powers for only seven months.

“I wish she would’ve had more faith in me…” He said in a low voice. His eyes were fixed in the lights and cars in front of him, yet his mind was far away. “At least enough to tell me before all of this happened.”

“She didn’t ‘tell me’ tell me,” Anna reassured him. By all means, the two of them had been friends for a lot longer than Elsa and she had, it was only logical he felt somewhat hurt about finding out several months after her. Though the truth is there was no reason to compare. Things had been so extraordinarily different for them both. To mention one thing, she owed her friendship with Elsa to an accident in which she had almost died. “She lost control and the truth came to light. She didn’t tell anyone as far as I’m aware. She’s afraid of people leaving her behind, that’s why it’s hard for her to open up. But I’m sure she’s thrilled with the idea of you knowing. You mean so much more to her than you imagine.”

Even if he tried to keep a straight face, Anna noticed the small smile that drew on his face, making her smile as well. It was in moments like this Anna wished Elsa could see Marshall, truly see him, and notice the immeasurable devotion he had for her. He probably smiled that way in front of her too, but her sister was too blind to see it.

The two of them remained silent for the rest of the trip after that. They were both absorbed in their own thoughts and the atmosphere was too peaceful to disturb with small talk. When Marshall finally came to a full stop in front of her parents’ house, Anna turned to him and thanked him for the ride.

“It’s the least I could do.” Marshall said with an honest smile. “You stood by my side the other night, telling Elsa to give us a chance to talk.”

Anna felt proud she had stood by what she thought was right that night, and knowing Marshall appreciated it, made her feel even better about it. At least she hadn't intervened for naught. “My pleasure.” 

Getting out of the car, Anna realised it wasn't usual for them to have a chance to talk so openly to one another. She could see Marshall was slowly but steadily letting her in, and allowing her to see a side he usually reserved for Elsa exclusively. Taking advantage of this strange opportunity and Marshall's good predisposition, Anna dared say, “Could I ask you a favour?"

"Sure."

"Please, go visit her.” It may seem as if Anna was just teasing him once again, though she truly wanted Marshall to see Elsa. There were things her sister only confided in him, and she was certain Elsa would love to see him. “She couldn’t even keep her head up but she took the time to call you. You have to agree with me that means something."

"Stop playing tricks,” he said, his voice serious.

"No need to be so distrustful,” Anna complained. “It’s not like you haven’t won her affection already. She’s wearing your clothes after all…” She rejoiced in watching his stoic attitude crumbling and being replaced by deep mortification. “See you, big guy."

She had only walked a few metres when Marshall called her again, making Anna smile. She was certain he had finally come up with an excuse.

“Anna, wait! Wait,” he repeated as he came out of the vehicle. “I have something for you. I just remembered.”

“Something for me?”

“When Elsa called me earlier today, she said to please bring these clothes back.” He handed her a brown paper bag. “I think it’s easier to just give them to you directly. I washed them this morning.”

Looking inside the bag, she noticed there were in fact clothes inside. It was not a joke or something of the sort. “Clothes?”

“The ones she was wearing yesterday?” Marshall tried to explain. His flushed face made Anna smile again, but she couldn’t come up with something to say, too surprised about the clothes in her hand. “She said they’re yours and insisted I bring them. For a moment I thought she was afraid of me losing them or something.”

“Are you sure she said they were mine?” She took the hoodie out of the bag and opened her eyes in surprise when she noticed the worn out stamp on its front. It was the one they had both been talking about the night they went out looking for food.

“Yes,” Marshal insisted. “Do you want me to take them to Elsa anyway? I thought it was easier this way.”

“No,” Anna said, swiftly putting the things inside the bag once again. “No, it’s okay. Thank you for washing them. And thanks again for the ride.” She couldn’t really explain how Elsa had got her clothes, but Anna was certain she hadn’t left them in her house and much less lent them.

--

His conversation with Anna kept replaying in Marshall’s head on his way to the Bjorgmans’. His brain kept telling him not to trust Anna’s word, there always existed the possibility of her trying to play tricks on him or Elsa, and he was not willing to walk straight into one of her ruses. But despite what his most sensible side kept repeating, his heart urged him to go and see Elsa. First and foremost, he wanted to make sure she was getting the medical help she needed. Next in order, was finding out if she had called him earlier because she actually wanted him by her side. And if that were the case, then he would fight tooth and nail until Kai allowed him to stay. He wasn’t planning on leaving her side until she said otherwise. He knew coming to a common ground with Bjorgman was going to be difficult, but he wasn’t planning on giving up so easily.

He knew there existed the possibility of things going south easily, but he wasn’t planning on making a u-turn and going back to the mountain this time. No matter how tempting it was. He needed to face the music and be the bigger person if he wanted to see Elsa and stay by her side for as long as she needed him.

As he was getting closer to the Bjorgmans' household, some blue and white lights called his attention. The yellow vehicle was parked a few blocks ahead, right in front of his destination, and it made Marshall’s blood run cold. He had driven those ambulances long enough to recognise them from a distance and know the blinking lights meant there was an emergency.

Once he was in front of the house, he parked his car as best as he could, without wasting too much time, and he stepped out to see what was going on. As a former paramedic he knew how incredibly inconvenient it was to work with people gathering around, but still he couldn’t stop himself from dashing to the front door of the house which was wide open.

From the threshold, he could hear people giving orders and he knew it was a matter of time until the paramedics carried someone to the ambulance. Not wanting to interrupt their work, he made an effort to stay outside the house, silently begging they weren’t there for Elsa. To his consternation, a few moments later a pair of paramedics walked out of Elsa’s room rolling a gurney with them.

Marshall stepped back, clearing their path, and he tried to take a moment to calm his racing heart. He knew what the men were doing was part of a routine procedure. One he had done hundreds of times. And he reminded himself that Elsa being taken to a hospital didn’t mean anything in particular. But, regardless of it all, as soon as the paramedics walked out the house and he saw Elsa struggling to breathe, his own breath caught in his throat.

A sudden need to feel useful and help pushed him to their side, offering his help. It was then he realised one of the paramedics was one of his former colleagues. He noticed Karl stopping for a fraction of a second, almost giving him a task, but the man then shook his head, stopping himself in time. "I need you to step back."

"Karl, please—"

"You hated people who did this, Marshall, step back," he ordered, and Marshall obeyed.

People getting in the way only made the work more difficult, he knew that, even if his heart told him he was supposed to help the girl on that gurney. He shook his head and he cursed under his breath for letting the situation affect him so much.

Nielsen and Gerda came out of the house a moment after, Nielsen wasting no time in giving the paramedics some orders Marshall couldn't quite hear. And Gerda, on her part, stopped halfway to the ambulance, coming to a stop only to talk with her husband.

“Find Elsa’s medical record. The green folder.” She ordered. “I'll call you as soon as I can."

"Are you going to the central hospital?"

“I don’t know.” She yelled, as she hurried to the ambulance.

“Why?”

"It's too far away. People are commuting at this hour and it's an emergency…" Marshall answered automatically, not even thinking about the fact that Bjorgman had asked his wife, who was already getting in the ambulance, and not him.

With surprise, Kai turned to look at him, and even if his eyes narrowed for a short moment, the old man brushed aside their previous confrontations and said, "You were a paramedic, kid, were you not? What am I supposed to do in this situation? Is there anything I can do?"

"Not much,” he said honestly. His attention on the ambulance moving and the siren that had just turned on. Being on their side meant waiting, no matter how much they hated it. “It's either watch them go and hope for a call soon enough, or follow them."

When he didn’t answer, Marshall looked at Kai and immediately noticed his trembling hands. He was so nervous he couldn’t think straight, making his experience as a police officer useless at that point. Feeling bad for the old man, he offered the only thing he could. "Come on, we'll follow," he suggested. "No one will tell us anything when we get there, but at least you won't be waiting for a call in an empty house."

"I should—" Turning around, Kai looked at the garage door, debating what to do.

"You're in no condition to drive right now, Mr Bjorgman. Go get the folder. I'll drive you to the hospital and back if you need. Don’t worry."

--

She could sense people around her. They were moving her, holding her, keeping her in place. And even though her mind cried for her to stay awake and alert, she realised didn’t care too much this time. She had lived through this before. She couldn’t remember when, but she recognised the feeling: The shortness of breath. The pain. She was at the mercy of strangers once again and her memories served her well to remind her there was no point in fighting. No matter how distressingly familiar it felt, she didn’t have the strength.

A man placed a mask over her face, but for the first time in her life, she didn’t care. She welcomed being deprived of all sensations.

“You'll be fine, Elsa. I promise.”

The voice felt distant but she recognised it.

“I’ll be by your side at all times.” The voice raised her hand and placed a soft kiss on its palm. “I promise.”

She forced an eyelid to open and from the corner of her eye she caught a glimpse of Gerda. She wasn’t sure if it was real or part of her delusion, but in the numbness and loneliness she felt, the old woman became her anchor, and she allowed her mind to drift off to sleep.

--

Any Pink Floyd fans out there? Did you see what I did? I’m proud of it. As several other titles and chapters in this story, this chapter was inspired by music. This time around it was Pink Floyd’s song Comfortably Numb. I recommend you listen to it if you haven't. It's a masterpiece.

About the chapter, it wasn’t difficult to plan, but it was to execute. I couldn’t find the character’s inner voices. I found myself writing and rewriting scenes all the time. But, I like how it turned out.

About the cliffhanger. This time I tried, my cat knows I tried as hard as I could not to end the chapter in a cliffhanger, but no matter which scene I chose, it felt like one. So, at the end I said, “Oh, f*ck it” and ended it here. I’m sorry.

Feel free to leave all the comments you want. I don’t mind you cursing me. And as always, while you’re at it, let me know what you think of the chapter! Haha.

Thank you all for your reviews and awesome comments. They make my day.

I hope you have a great weekend and that we can read each other soon.

Take care.

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[xpeachesncream]

bands | thirteen

[ series masterlist ]

summary: jeon jungkook has it all: the looks, the fame, the money, the women. being considered the sexiest man in the industry, he finds no complaints about the way his life is going nor does he find any reason to apologize for the way he approaches it. he is a force to be reckoned with - until he meets you.

pairing: stripper!reader x idol!jjk

genre: (18+) strip club/nightlife au, post grad au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 3.9k

warnings: cussing, mature language/implied sexual content, slight degradation, trouble stirring behind the scenes if you squint, yeonjun and soobin (txt) make an appearance but also as reg 18 yr olds lol

tags: @brightcolorsoffendme​ @min-nicoleee​ @eggbutnotyolk​ @ra-mun-e @miinoongi​ @jimidol​ @ppeachyttae​ @thebeebi​ @bluesharksandfish​ @kooafraid​ @liriaus​ @thisartemisnevermisses​ @ggukkieland​ @preciouschimine​ @sunniejinnie​ @cypheruby​ @cyb3rbab3​ @masterlists101​ @awhnamjoon​ @redhedhoseok​ @wooya1224​ @taeismydeath @jikookiekosmos​ @un2-verse​ @aynsx​ @wearenot7withu​ (please message me if you would like to be added to the taglist!)

"BTS' Jeon Jungkook rumored to be dating stripper from nightclub!"

"Jungkook is no longer single, ladies!"

"Jeon Jungkook is dating a stripper? Why the hell is he doing that?"

"Who the hell does she think she is? I bet she's not even pretty."

"Jungkook fell for a stripper? Out of all people? Damn, and I thought he was better than that."

Jungkook has been tired, the rumors constantly being spread day in and day out. But, it still didn't mean he was gonna say shit to prove himself to people out there. He didn't need to give anybody answers. Hell, this was strictly between you and him and that's how he wants to keep it.

Fuck every single one of you who didn't wanna be behind him and support him. Don't even think about calling yourself a fan of his if that's your mindset.

He could truly care less. He was happy and he felt ten times better than he has in a really long time. It's unfortunate how people love to stay narrow minded. The only thing that bothered him was the fact that it was so unfair for you - how they stuck to that stripper image, rather than really getting to know you beneath the surface.

But it's not like anyone else deserved to know the real you, not after all this shit. And he was gonna keep it that way, and protect you.

"Hey, don't listen to any of that shit, okay?" Jungkook says as he meets you in your car in the BigHit building garage. "None of that matters to me."

"I know, but Kook." You look at him. "Your career, BigHit literally might not even want me here and-and—"

"Then I'll make sure they understand it's not an issue, because it's really fucking not." He says, getting irritated only at the thought of the company giving him issues over you. He watches as you slightly frown, causing him to sigh and soften his own facial expression. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get worked up like that. It's just annoying how people are narrow-minded. This has absolutely nothing to do with you." You give him a small smile. "Come on, I'll walk you." You silently nod and hop out of your car. You follow beside him, your stomach in knots having to meet with their performance director. This meant you'd also most likely run into the rest of Bangtan.

In which happens to turn true pretty quickly.

"Jungkookie!" Hoseok says loudly down the hallway as he approaches the both of you. He does nothing besides smile, curiosity definitely filling his eyes.

"This is Y/N. Y/N, Hoseok hyung." He holds out his hand for you to shake, his head tilting ever so slightly because you know he's familiar with your face. He's just trying to remember from where. Or, he has recognized you, but he's trying his hardest not to say anything.

Cause they have seen all of you, especially in that fishnet bodysuit.

"Hi! Nice to meet you! You can call me Hobi for short. Are you meeting with someone?" You nod.

"Yeah." Is all you can reply with as you shyly tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Nice, goodluck!"

"Is everyone else here?" Jungkook asks, making Hobi nod.

"Yeah, but they're still running through some stuff in the dance studio. I just ran off to take a break."

"Okay." Jungkook looks at you. "Follow me, he's in one of the private studio rooms." You both part ways from Hoseok, the need to clutch onto Jungkook's arm immensely strong right now. You hold yourself off though, because even with passing a few female staff members, you catch them looking at you oddly with the way you're walking side by side with Jungkook.

Nope. Don't even think about it, Y/N. It doesn't matter.

Jungkook knocks softly on a door, the middle of it being made up of entirely frosted glass so it's difficult to see inside. Their performance director opens the door swiftly and welcomes you in with a warm smile, stepping aside to let you in.

"I've got it from here, Jungkookie. Thank you." Jungkook nods but tries to peek through the door to get one last glimpse of your face before he shuts it fully. "How are you doing, Y/N?" He sits in front of you, leaning onto his knees with his hands fully clasped together.

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Good, tired." He chuckles. "Thanks for taking my call earlier and for meeting at such short notice on a weekend. I had a couple of things come up and didn't want to push things off until later." You smile.

"It's no problem."

"Jungkook tells me a lot about you."

"Does he now?" You chuckle and tilt your head to the side.

"Says you're a really good person. Super hardworking. Told me a little bit about your situation with your brother."

"Mmyeah, it's a little complicated."

"It's alright, no need to get into the details." He smiles before letting out a small sigh. "It's incredibly rare for me to hear Jungkook speak like that. In general. He's usually very closed off, doesn't like to let people in much. He really respects you, you know? Cares about you a whole lot." You slightly blush.

"I'm still getting used to it." He chuckled.

"Look, I know you've been worrying because of where you've been and all that, but I want to reassure you that none of it matters. I don't like to focus on all that. You're here as you, not her." He says, putting another pronoun to your stripper persona.

"Thank you, I appreciate it." He nods. There's a small pause before he begins to speak again.

"I could really use some help around here if you're still interested? The boys are becoming a lot for me to handle."

"Ah-uh, yeah! Of course I am." You found yourself stuttering at the sudden offer. Was this fucking real?! "But, you are aware of where me and Jungkook are at, right?" You ask, trying to be completely transparent and honest about their relationship. He nods and waves his hand out.

"As long as you keep it professional here, right?" You nod.

"Right."

"Come, let me show you around really quickly and have you formally meet the boys." You swallowed the lump in your throat. Fucking great. He definitely didn't know they've all seen your titties and pussy out during Yoongi's birthday, and now here you were - about to meet them again in this environment. Hobi was awkward enough even though he tried not to be.

Surprisingly, Jungkook wasn't waiting outside in the hallway like you thought he would be, but the tour commences and the PD is taking you around pretty quickly. You feel even more awkward and somewhat alone [even though you weren't] without Jungkook nearby, but you chug along and say your hello's to the people you're introduced to. He finally brings you into the dance studio, where there's loud ass music blasting, Jungkook, the boys and some backup dancers in front of the mirrors fooling around.

"Aye boys, come here real quick." You and Jimin lock eyes and your body suddenly gets tense. The room feels 10x hotter than it already is, especially when he slowly walks over and clenches his jaw. He is literally seeping with hate right now, maybe actually disgust, and he doesn't even try to hide it. Most of them for sure recognize you, but they seem to brush it off and give you a big wave/smile anyway.

"Last, that's Jimin - Jimin, Y/N." You give Jimin a fake smile, and the only thing his ass can reciprocate is the smallest, tight-lipped smile you have ever seen. You've never even seen your mom do that when she got mad or upset with you.

"Hi." Is all you can say.

"Sup." He looks at you before turning on his heel and walking away.

"Ooookay?" Namjoon furrows his brows as he watches Jimin walk away so rudely. "The hell was that about?"

"I knew that was Kookie's girlfriend! Maybe Jiminie remembers seeing her titties and shit too, needs to walk away before he gets his ass beat by him." Yoongi says lowly behind Namjoon.

"Yeah, like you're any better." Namjoon says, looking at Yoongi weirdly.

"I mean, we did see her practically naked." Jin says, chiming into the discussion.

"I touched her." Yoongi's mouth slightly hangs down. "I touched her."

"Go ahead, say it louder so Kookie can hear you." Jin nods sarcastically. "Go, say it!"

"No, stop." Yoongi's cheeks turn red while shaking his head and laughing. "He'll literally launch me out the window with one hand."

"Good."

"You asked for her to sit on your lap too, bro!"

"I was joking, and it's not like she did it anyway!"

"Whatever, I'm keeping my birthday deep in my memory storage."

"Clean slate for her so it should be for you too, my guy." Namjoon says as he has enough of their conversation.

You look at Jungkook who is silently standing there, looking like a big dork with a huge smile on his face and his thumbs up. You give him the tiniest nod before proceeding to follow the PD out.

"So?!" Jungkook dashes to meet you in their waiting room area, where an abnormally large picture of Jimin posing oddly hung up.

"He said he'll send me all the info and papers and stuff!" You respond excitedly as Kook hugs you and quickly swings you around.

"See, I knew it would work out!" He puts you down. "Are you gonna tell Kai?" You shook your head.

"Not today at least, it's his birthday and I don't wanna take away from that. It's his day." Jungkook smiles at you.

"Text me when you've picked him up? I should be home by then."

"Okay." You blush and back away, making Jungkook look at you with confusion. "I have to keep it professional here, duh."

"Ah I see." He chuckles. "That won't last very long."

"Jungkook." You whine.

"There's a lot of private rooms here and—"

"I'm not listening, sorry. I think Kai is suddenly calling me." You cover your ears as you begin to walk away, giving him one last smile before leaving him to the rest of rehearsals and whatever else they're doing. He laughs to himself as he waves you off, excited to get through the day so he can just spend time with you and Kai.

As the hours go on and it's about time for you to pick Kai up, you quickly stop by the store because you're a procrastinator and didn't buy Kai's birthday gift any earlier. You felt bad you weren't able to find the shoes he wanted, but you at least snagged the video game he had been talking about for a couple of days now. Before walking into the arcade, you made sure to write your birthday card and slip some more money into it before shoving it in your bag to give to him later.

"Your pretty sister is here." Yeonjun grabs Kai by the shoulder as he finishes up a game.

"Yeah, and you're too young for her."

"Age is nothing but a number. It's only like.. 6 years apart."

"Besides, she's taken, dude. Sorry." Kai snorts as he watches Yeonjun's smile fade. "You would have never had the chance."

"You're mean."

"I'm mean, or you just have really high, unrealistic expectations?" The rest of their friends laugh as they follow Kai over to you.

"Hey!" You smile at all his friends.

"Hiiiiii Y/N." They all say in unison, some waving in awe, while the others shyly dug their hands into their pockets. "Birthday boy, you all good to go? Got some good Loco Moco waiting for you."

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Happy birthday again, Kai! Get online later!" Soobin yells out.

"Yeah, yeah." He says, waving them off as he follows you out to your car.

"You guys run through the entire arcade?" Kai laughs.

"Pretty much." He sinks into his seat, legs damn near touching the glove compartment with how long he is. "I'm honestly so excited for Loco Moco. It's been years!"

"It has not been that long." You laughed.

"You're right, it's been months." Kai looks out the window. "Wait, you're passing the road to get to our go-to shop though?"

"Cause I found a better place."

"How is there a better place when that one was already supreme?!"

"Hey, trust me on this okay?" You laugh. Kai starts telling you about his day and how so many people he knew from school had been messaging him happy birthday. He truly looked his happiest today and it was all you could ask for. Though at the same time, your heart slightly sank at the fact that he'd be going off to uni soon and staying at the dorms. He was just growing up way too fast, and you wanted to spend as much time as you could with him now before he was too occupied being a college boy.

You slipped yourself past Jungkook's security, parking in the one guest spot they have in the garage that's closest to the elevator. Kai doesn't really question it and hops out anyway, his hands in his pockets as he follows you into the elevator and onto Jungkook's floor.

"You ready, kid?"

"Is this some like, Michelin Star Loco Moco restaurant?"

"Ah, I guess you could say that." You knocked on the door, hearing music playing in the background. Jungkook opens the door and Kai's eyes widen.

"Oh shit, that's Jungkook?" Kook laughs and steps aside to let you both in. "Sis why—what—how come you didn't tell me we were seeing your boyfriend? I look like a mess!" He says lowly.

"You don't!"

"Hey Kai! Happy Birthday!" Jungkook says smiling, making Kai actually blush. He's cheeks are tinted with a rosy color and he suddenly gets all shy.

"Thanks."

"Your brother's tall." Jungkook looks at him up and down.

"Looking at an 18 year old 6 footer."

"Must be nice."

"Go sit." Kai silently nods as he sits awkwardly on Kook's couch, while you go and check in on him in the kitchen.

"Is he always that shy?"

"No. Just with you, apparently. He's not even that shy around girls." You chuckle as he places a quick kiss on your head. "Need my help?" You still ask even though the plates are neatly prepared already.

"Not really." He smiles down at you. "You hungry though?"

"Starving, actually." Your eyes light up at the plates. "Ouuuuuu, yum."

"Honestly, I think this batch might be better than my first."

"Still honored to be your guinea pig." You carry a plate over to Jungkook's coffee table in the living room.

"Oh shit, that looks amazing." Kai says, slipping himself down from the couch to the floor so he could get a good whiff of the plate. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jungkook hands you the remote before walking into his room. "Pick something."

"Here, birthday boy. Help me choose."

"Let's watch Soul on Disney+." At this point, Jungkook comes out of his room with a wrapped present, his eyes locked on the TV.

"Ooh, I keep seeing this everywhere! Niceeeee." Jungkook says, smiling with Kai nodding and already digging into his plate. "By the way, this is for you." You shoot him a look as he sits on the floor by you, watching as Kai unwraps the present. Kai's eyes light up as he sees a shoebox underneath the wrapping, quickly flipping the lid open to reveal those blue Air Jordans he wanted.

"Kook?!" You say lowly, making him smile at you and gently pinch your side.

"Holy shit!" He holds out a shoe, only for him to immediately shake his head and close the box again. "Jungkook, I can't take this." Kai says.

"No, it's your birthday."

"Yeah, but isn't this expensive? You've already done so much for me and my sister, I-I don't want to—"

"Kai, it's cool. If it's one thing you can do to repay me, it's to take my present." You literally want to cry at how sweet Jungkook is being with your brother. He had been good to you, no doubt, but this was one thing you didn't expect from him at all. Quite frankly, you had forgotten you mentioned the shoes to him. The fact that he actually remembered and kept his word.

"Okay." Kai says, gently setting the box down aside before looking at Jungkook with a small smile on his face. "Thank you. I really appreciate it. Like, even with the food and everything. It means a lot to me."

"You're welcome." You give him a soft smile before digging into your food while Soul was already off to a start. Kai and Jungkook devour their food together, with you following shortly behind as Jungkook brings over a small ice cream cake from his fridge for Kai to blow his candles on. After the boys had helped themselves to a good serving of the cake, they started getting hyper and pulled up Smash Bros on Kook's Nintendo Switch [as if Kai hadn't played enough games today]. It started to get intense; the boys jumping and yelling everywhere, bouncing off of the walls, with you getting pulled into the competition every now and then. Even though you knew you'd lost over and over again, you happily joined in anyway, seeing how excited your brother was - plus, it was always a bonus to hear Jungkook's loudly obnoxious, nerdy laugh.

"I WIN!"

"Hey, hey, hey. I let you win because it's your birthday." Jungkook said, making Kai laugh as he crashed to the floor.

"Sure." Kai huffed and puffed. "Crap, I'm tired. What time is it?"

"Almost midnight. We should start heading out, bubba." You patted Kai's chest gently.

"What? No, it's late. Why don't you two just stay here?" You suddenly remembered you've had Kai's shit in your trunk since you dropped him off at Yeonjun's this morning. You didn't have any change of clothes, but that could easily be fixed with Jungkook's closet.

"Only if the queen wants, she's driving."

"It's late, baby." Jungkook says to you softly. "No way I'm letting you two head out there."

"Okay." You give him a small smile before handing your keys. "Can you do me a favor?" He chuckles.

"What is it?"

"Kai's duffle bag is in my trunk." He nods and takes your keys.

"I got it. Kai, you can take the guest room or my office room." Jungkook says with his 3-bedroom apartment having ass. "I have my computer in my office room though, and a pull out bed. I don't know how comfy you'll be."

"It's cool, I'll just take your guest room. I always bring my laptop and switch whenever I sleep at my sister's." Kai says getting up. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jungkook says, toothlessly smiling at the both of you, completely endeared at how alike you two were - even down to the fact that you both said thank you for every little thing. If this was a result of Kai being close to you and having you as pretty much his mother figure, then Jungkook wouldn't know what to do with his feelings. He felt butterflies every time he thought about how cute and sweet you were, and he was always excited to be around you.

Jungkook does a quick jog to your car, grabbing Kai's Nike duffle from your trunk before jogging back to the elevator and back to his apartment. He walks in to see Kai helping you clean up the remaining dishes in the sink, tidying the rest of the things in his kitchen.

"Thank you." Jungkook says himself, a little unfamiliar with saying such a thing to be completely honest.

"You're welcome." You say softly, wiping your hands on his hand towel. "Off to bed, or are you gonna go online with your friends?"

"I'll see what they're up to, but I'm pretty beat. Today was fun." Kai smiles at the both of you. "I really appreciate it." You ruffle his hair a bit before gently pushing him towards his bedroom for the night.

"Bathroom's right over there, help yourself to anything you need."

"Don't stay up too late."

"Only if you aren't too loud." You gasp while Jungkook laughs out loud.

"Kai!"

"Hey, I'm just being honest. Please remember that I'm right in this room."

"Oh my god, go to bed." You shove him inside the room and shut his door. "Don't even say a word." You look at Jungkook shyly as you hurriedly brush past him to get into his room - even though Jungkook is literally right behind you with those long ass legs of his, making every stride so much easier for him to catch up to you.

"What's your outfit of choice tonight, pretty lady?" He shuts his door behind him as you start to make your way into his closet.

"Hm, I'll just wear this plain black--" You unfold it. "Balenciaga? Okay, I definitely can't just wear this to sleep."

"Why not?"

"Because this is like, name brand and everything."

"So?" He shrugs. "Just wear it, babygirl. It's not gonna make much of a difference, you're wearing it either way." You do a slight pout before you start to slip out of your clothes to get into his shirt. You make his way to his bathroom to take a little tinkle when you notice another toothbrush sitting next to his. A pink toothbrush, next to his blue one.

"Why do you have two toothbrushes?" You wash your hands as he comes in to the bathroom to start getting ready for bed.

"That's yours." Your eyes light up at his statement.

"Mine?"

"I figured since you'd be over more, it'd be easier for you." He furrows his brows lightly. "Unless.. you didn't want--" You press a kiss against his lips, his hands resting on your arms to keep you close.

"No, I did want that. Thank you."

"Of course, baby." He pecks your forehead.

"By the way, way to make me look like such a bad sister!" You say as you start getting your toothbrush ready.

"Why? The shoes?"

"The shoes, the Loco Moco, the games, the ice cream cake." You laughed. "I literally got him a video game and some money."

"I mean, he is turning 18. I wanted to help make it as memorable as possible."

"I appreciate you a lot. Really."

"I appreciate you too." Your eyes widen as you brush your teeth.

"Waaaaow, say thaht wun mohr tiyme." You say, pulling a Jungkook while brushing your teeth.

"Eye apprushiate yoh toh." You giggle. The both of you finish getting ready for bed before slipping into his warm sheets. Jungkook never goes to sleep early, however, he makes sure all the lights are off and that the show he's watching isn't too loud. You have no idea what's going on in his show, but you lay on his chest to watch for a little bit until you feel yourself getting a little more sleepy. He's holding you close, his hand brushing through your hair softly, causing tingles to ripple through your body.

"Kook."

"Yes, baby?"

"You make me happy." You say sleepily as you hung him tighter. He smiles down at you, your eyes now shut close as you slowly start to drift into a deep sleep. He presses a light kiss against your head, fingers still in your hair.

"You make me happy too, sweetheart."

[a-wayne-at-heart-too]

Ask: The 27th of April, the Last (and Long) Part

Bonus Ask:

[Stately Wayne Manor]

Jason: *helping Alfred clear out the dinner table* You think we should’ve asked Harley to stay for dinner? 

Alfred: If you wished to see Master Bruce’s hair turn to grey as you ate dessert, I don’t see why not.

Jason: *burps loudly and fans his breath away* Whoops. Sorry, Alf. Just my way of complimenting your cooking.

Alfred: *carrying the dishes to the kitchen* Then perhaps you should come here more often, Master Jason.

Jason: *following Alfred* I'd rather not cause any trouble.

Alfred: *stops in his tracks and turns to face Jason with a stern expression* And you don't think it troubles me that you feel unwelcome here?

Jason: *takes the dishes from Alfred’s hands, sets them on the kitchen island, and pulls him in for a hug* Alf, hey... I didn’t mean it like that. I know you guys care about me, it’s just...

Alfred: *sobbing into Jason's shirt* We've already lost you once... Once is enough, Jason...

Jason: *tightens the hug and gently plants a kiss on top of Alfred’s head* I know, I know... I'm back, Alf. I'm back.

>>> *** <<<

Dick and Barbara: *sitting on the carpeted floor in the study, enjoying the heat from the fireplace in front of them, going through a stack of photo albums*

Dick: *smiling fondly* Wow, these are old-old.... I should probably scan them before they crumble to pieces.

Dick: *stops at a page and points at a picture of Bruce and Jason on a boat, smiling, and holding up a tuna* Check this out, Babs... Aw, I love this one. I had a few days off from work, decided to spend it here. Somehow Jason convinced Bruce to take break from himself and go fishing.  

Dick: *talking animatedly* So, there we are on Bruce’s huge fishing boat, the Bat-2-Sea -- And Jason’s starting to get seasick because he’s been hanging out by the edge, waiting for a bite for hours -- The persistence on that kid! --  And he finally gets one! A big one, Babs -- *spreads his arms* -- and it was pulling down hard like you wouldn’t believe, but Jason just wouldn’t let go! -- So Bruce drops the glass of wine he’s holding and runs to grab him --

Barbara: What were you doing?

Dick: Who do you think took the picture? As I was saying -- Bruce, he -- he -- *starts to laugh so hard that he tears up* trips over Jason’s line somehow and falls into the ocean! *slapping-the-floor laughing* The World’s Greatest Detective, in his Batwaders, drenched like a wet bird... *sighs happily* You should’ve seen his face!

Barbara: *turns the page* Oh, I can see it now. Still stone-faced, but wet.

Barbara: *stops at a page and giggles* Aw... Will you look at that?

Dick: *looks at the photo Babs is pointing at and chuckles softly* That’s adorable. 

Barbara: Those scaly leotards fit him better than they ever did you, Boy Wonder.

Dick: *smirks* Whatever. But I have to admit, he did look great. He looked really... happy. I wish... I wish I saw more of him in action, you know? *voice breaking* I could’ve maybe trained him the way I did Tim and Damian --

Barbara: *rubs his back comfortingly* Dick...

Jason: *walks into the study* Dickie, I took some of your --

Dick: *clears his throat and wipes his eyes haphazardly* Hey, Little Wing!

Jason: Wait, are those our old family photos?

Barbara: *pats the empty spot beside her* C'mere.

Jason: *sits down and rubs his hands together* Where’s the one where Bruce goes kersplat in the ocean?

Jason: *flips through the pages and grimaces at his photos as Robin* You're not gonna use these to blackmail me, are you?

>>> *** <<<

Duke: *watches as his RPG character explodes for the fifth time in a row and shakes his head* You beat me again! You're so good at this game, man.

Jason: *snorts and puts his controller down* Dude, you weren't even trying. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were letting me win.

Duke: What? Naaaah... That's... Come on, why would I do that?

Jason: *gets up and shrugs, grinning knowingly* I dunno... 'Cause you like seeing me alive?

Duke: Yeah. It’s pretty awesome, actually.

Jason: *offers to bump fists* I gotta pack up. Good game, though. See you around, bro.

Duke: *exploding-fist-bumps with Jason* You too, bro.

Jason: *pats Ace the Bathound’s head as he exits the game room*

>>> *** <<<

Steph: *examining Jason’s face* You look really pale.

Cass: *pointing at various spots on his face* And you have a lot of... scars.

Jason: *sitting on a stool in front of Cass’s vanity dresser, staring at himself in the mirror and absentmindedly running a finger over the shirt-covered scar on his chest* Yeah? That bad, huh?

Steph: *grins* Nothing a little makeup can’t fix.

Jason: *rubbing his chin* You think so? I mean, I just came here to borrow a few weapons from Cass, but if you think I need a makeover...

Steph and Cass: *look at each other and squeal in delight*

>>> *** <<<

Tim: And this *holding up a minuscule gadget between his fingers for Jason to see* generates a force field over your entire body. The more the impact, the greater the energy generated. Schway, huh?

Jason: *nodding his head appreciatively as he takes the gadget and sticks it on the lapel of his leather jacket* Schway.

Tim: *proudly shows Jason a Bat-shaped breastplate * Now, this -- You're gonna love this -- It can turn you invisible to the naked eye for roughly 34.5 seconds, giving you time to do all kinds of offensive or defensive stuff. They won’t know what hit them, Jay. You’re basically gonna be invincible and Joker... Joker, he’s... he’s not... not gonna... *drops the breastplate unceremoniously* 

Jason: *places a hand on Tim’s shoulder* Thank you, Timbo. Really. But I'll be fine out there. You don't have to worry about me.

Tim: Yeah? Can you promise me that? Because I don’t think I can live through another one of Bruce's meltdowns.

Jason: *chuckles softly* Aren't they the best?

>>> *** <<<

Jason: *staring at an empty grave layered with concrete in the backyard*

Jason: *rolls his eyes* I know you're there.

Bruce: *comes out of the shadows and stands next to Jason*

Jason: Why'd you keep it?

Bruce: Because I'm a sentimental old fool.

Jason: This is just... creepy. Even for you.

Bruce and Jason: *stare at the empty grave in silence*

Jason: I've forgiven you.

Bruce: *glances at Jason, who could’ve sworn his adoptive father’s eyes were bloodshot* 

Jason: You know that, don’t you? I mean, I know we’re always going to disagree about Jok-- about him, and a few other things, but... You’ll always be family, Bruce. My family. 

Bruce: *looks at Jason, smiling wearily*

Jason: *grinning back at Bruce*

Bruce: *puts an arm around Jason’s shoulder* Thank you... Son.

Jason: *pulls Bruce in for a tight hug*

Bruce and Jason: ... 

Jason: Hey, remember that time you went kersplat in the ocean?

>>> *** <<<

Damian: *knocks softly on Jason's bedroom door* Todd.

Jason: *stuffing a duffel bag with clothes, homemade snacks, and weapons* Hey, kid, come in. I’m just getting my stuff ready --

Damian: These came from Mother. *drops a pile of books on Jason’s old desk*

Jason: *picking one after the other up excitedly* Tolstoy, Machiavelli, Sun Tzu, Shakespeare, Marx... No way... 

Damian: They’ve been with me for a while. But since you rarely come over, they’ve been collecting dust and taking up valuable space in my room. -Tt-

Jason: *wiping the dust off with his shirt and hugging each one* She kept them... These were my friends back when I was in the League... 

Damian: I didn’t realize we had more in common than just being my Father’s sons.

Jason: Wow. I have no idea how I’m supposed to bring all of these home. I mean, I got here on roller blades, for Bat’s sake -- 

Damian: *thrusts a piece of paper into Jason’s chest* This is for you.

Jason: *gingerly uncrumples it, revealing a painting of him and Damian*

Jason: *reading the writing in calligraphy underneath* “The Second Chance Robins”... *looks at Damian, feeling the tears well up in his eyes* You made this?

Damian: *looking down at his feet* When it’s my day... M-my d-day... Will you come over, too?

Jason: *gets down on bended knee to be at eye level with his little brother* Hey, buddy, look at me. Damian, look at me. Of course. Listen, we’ll do whatever you want. We’ll, um... We’ll take bad guys down together! Pull pranks on Tim! You name it, I got you.

Damian: Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Todd.

Jason: I promise that I’ll do my best, okay?

Damian: You could stay the night, you know. You’re home anyway.

Jason: *ruffles Damian’s hair and grins* I'd like that. As long as you hang out here with me. And I promise I won't tell anybody because it'll ruin our reputation.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

If truth be told, @wingedskyes​ , Jason makes himself available on his Death Day. Because even if neither he nor his family and friends mention it, he knows that they need him just as much as he needs them.

Thank you for this Ask. It was both fun and just a tad bit heartbreaking to write. 

And thank you, @warrior-of-the-blue-moon​ , for the nice addition. 

See: Part 1, Part 2

[im-just-trying-to-get-bi]

Onward, Ohauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower... ...where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Oharming! This is worse than " Love Letters" . I hate dinner theater! Me, too. Whoa there, Ohauncey! Hark! The brave Prince Oharming approacheth. Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you... ...then take my place as rightful king. What did she say? It's Shrek! Whoo, Shrek, yeah! Prepare, foul beast... ...to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! Happy birthday to thee Happy birthday to thee Do you mind? Do you mind? Boring! Prepare, foul beast... Someday you'll be sorry. We already are! Mommy... You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't ! I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother... ...I will restore dignity to my throne. And this time, no one will stand in my way. Good morning. Good morning. Morning breath. I know. Isn't it wonderful? Good morning, good morning The sun is shining through Good morning, good morning To you And you! And you! They grow up so fast. Not fast enough. You'll be filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir. Great! Let's get started. Oome on, lazybones. Time to get moving! You need to get a pair ofjammies. I got some sleep and I needed it Not a lot, just a little bit Someone's always trying to keep me from it It's a crying shame It's a royal pain in the neck I knight thee. If you're filling in for a king, you should look like one. Oan somebody come in and work on Shrek? I will see what I can do. Yeah, wow. Is this really necessary? Quite necessary, Fiona. I'm Shrek, you twit. Whatever. This isn't a rehearsal, peoples. Let's see some hustle! Smiles, everyone! Smiles! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I'm sorry, but can you just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek? You look handsome. Oome here, you. My butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. Hey, you! Oome here. What's your name? Fiddlesworth, sir. Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen... ...Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! Ahh! You've got it. A little to the left. That's it! That's good. Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. Shrek! My eye! What are you doing? Fiona! Are you okay? Yeah. I'm fine. Shrimp! My favorite! That's it! We're leaving! Oalm down. Oalm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre. I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. I think that went well. Donkey! Oome on, Shrek! Some people just don't understand boundaries. Just think. A couple more days and we'll be back home... ...in our vermin-filled shack strewn with fungus... ...and filled with the stench of mud and neglect. You had me at "vermin-filled" . And, um... maybe even the pitter-patter of little feet on the floor. That's right, the swamp rats will be spawning. Uh, no. What I'm thinking of is a little bigger than a swamp rat. Donkey? No, Shrek. What if, theoretically... ...they were little ogre feet? Honey, let's be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop, and they cry... ...then they cry when they poop and poop when they cry. Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra-cry and they extra-poop. Shrek, don't you ever think about having a family? Right now, you're my family. Somebody better be dying. I'm dying. Harold? Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. Of course, darling. Fiona. Yes, Daddy? I know I made many mistakes with you. It's okay. But your love for Shrek has... ...taught me much. My dear boy... ...I am proud to call you my son. And I'm proud to call you my frog... ...King dad-in-law. Now there is a matter of business to attend to. The Frog King... is dead. Put your hat back on, fool. Shrek... ...please come hither. Yeah, Dad? This kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. Next in line. You see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes. Oome on, Dad. An ogre as king? That's not such a good idea. There must be somebody else. Anybody! Aside from

you, there is only one remaining heir. Really? Who is he, Dad? His name is... ...is... What's his name? ...is... Daddy! His name is Arthur. Arthur? I know you'll do... ...what's right. Harold? Dad? Dad! Dad? Do your thing, man. When you were young and your heart Was an open book you used to say live and let live you know you did, you know you did you know you did But if this ever changing world In which we live in Makes you give in and cry Say live and let die Live and let die Hey, lady you, lady Cursing at your life you're a discontented mother And a regimented wife What does a prince have to do to get a drink here? Ah, Mabel! Why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Doris? Taking the night off? She's not welcome here, and neither are you. What do you want, Oharming? Not much. Just a chance at redemption. And a Fuzzy Navel. And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! We're not your friends. You don't belong here. You're absolutely right, but, I mean, do any of us? Do a number on his face. Wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and what happened? Oh, what's it to you? They left you the unfairest of them all. Now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? Pretty unfair. And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. I hate that little wooden puppet. And Hook. Need I say more? And you, Frumpypigskin! Rumpelstiltskin. Where's that firstborn you were promised? Mabel. Remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot... ...into that tiny glass slipper? Oinderella is in Far Far Away right now... ...eating bonbons, cavorting with every last fairy tale creature... ...that has ever done you wrong! Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story... ...and our side has not been told! So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their... ..." happily ever after" ? This way, gents. It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. As are you. And, uh, you. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I got to go! I don't wanna leave you either. But you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses every day! Be strong, babies. Ooco, Peanut, listen to your mama. Bananas, no roasting marshmallows on your sister's head. That's my special boy! Oome here, all of you! Give your daddy a big hug! Shrek? Maybe you should just stay and be King. Oome on. There's no way I could run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur is a perfect choice. It's not that. You see... And if he gives me trouble, I always have persuasion and reason. Here's persuasion... and here's reason. Fiona... ...soon it's just going to be you, me... ...and our swamp. It's not going to be just you and me. All aboard! It will be. I promise. I love you. That's lovely. Bye-bye, babies! Shrek! Wait! What is it? I'm ... I'm ... I love you, too, honey! No! I said I'm ... You're what? I said I'm pregnant! What was that? You're going to be a father! That's great! Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you! Yeah! Me, too! You! I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! And you, my friend, are royally... Home. Shrek! Fiona! Fiona? Oh, no. Better out than in, I always say. No, no, no! It's okay. It's gonna be all right. Stop! Hey, wait! Donkey. Donkey! Wake up! Dada! Shrek! Are you okay? I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happen? Allow me to explain. When a man has feelings for a woman... ...a powerful urge sweeps over him. I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. How does it happen? And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon When you coming home, son? I don't know when But we'll get together then, Dad. Donkey! Oan you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? You know I love Fiona, boss. Right? What I am talking about is you, me, my cousin's boat... ...an ice

cold pitcher of mojitos and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Don't listen to him! Having a baby isn't going to ruin your life. It's not my life I'm worried about ruining, it's the kid's . When have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an ogre" ... ...or " as nurturing as an ogre" ... ...or "You'll love my dad. He's a real ogre." Okay. I get it. It's not going to be easy. But you got us to help you. That's true. I'm doomed. You'll be fine. You're finished. Uh, with yourjourney. "Wor-ces-ters-shiree" ? Now that sounds fancy! It's Worcestershire. Like the sauce? It's spicy! They must be expecting us. What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. High school? Ready? Okay! Wherefore art thou headed, to the top? Yeah, we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay, we thinkst not, we thinkst not! All right, Mr. Percival, ease up on the reins. For lo, bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. I'm feeling nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! How did you receive wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of underpants? Let's just say some things are better left unsaid. So I was all like, " I'd rather get the black plague than go out with you." Oh, totally. Pardon me. Totally ew-eth. Yeah, totally. I just altered my character level to +3 superb-ability. Hi. We're looking for someone named... Who rolled a +9 dork spell and summoned the beast and his quadruped? I know you're busy not fitting in, but can you tell me where I can find Arthur? He's over there. There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a king or what? Sorry. Did you say you were looking for Arthur? That information is on a need-to-know basis. It's top secret! Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers! Greetings, Your Majesty. This is your lucky day. What are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? Giant mutant... You made a funny. Unhand me, monster! Stop squirming, Arthur. I'm not Arthur. I am Lancelot. That dork over there is Arthur. This is, like, totally embarrassing... ...but Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly. She thought perchance thou would ask her to the Homecoming Dance. Excuse me? Like, whatever. She's into college guys and mythical creatures. Oh, Arthur... ...come out, come out, wherever you are! You better run, you little punk no-goodniks! The days of Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over! Hold it. We're here for the mascot contest. We're here for the mascot contest, too. This is a costume? Worked on it all night long. Looks pretty real to me. If he were real, could I do this? Or this? If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. Now watch this! That's quite enough, boys. Thank you to Professor Primbottom and his lecture... ...on "just say nay" . And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire hoozah... ...to the winner of our mascot contest, the... ...ogre? That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at... ...whatever it is they're doing! This is all a bit unorthodox... Where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Hey, wait... Olassic. You should be ashamed of yourself! I didn't do it. They did. Please don't eat me. Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! I'm not here to eat him! Time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. What? Artie a king? More like the Mayor of Loserville! Burn. Is this for real? Absolutely. Olean out your locker, kid. You have a kingdom to run. So, wait...l'm really the only heir? The one and only. Give me a second. My good people... ...there's a lesson here for all of us. Next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, stop and think, " Hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Cause maybe... just maybe... ...this guy's gonna turn out to be, I don't know, a king? Maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him." I'm looking at you, jousting team! And Guin? Oh,

Guin. I've always loved you. Good friends, it breaks my heart, but... ...enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world! Okay, let's not overdo it. I'm building my city, people... on rock 'n ' roll! You just overdid it. Look at you! You look darling. Just precious. Look at her. Any cravings since you got pregnant? No. Not at all. Do you smell ham? It's present time! Fiona, please open mine first. It's the one in front. " Oongratulations on your new mess mak..." Oh, mess maker! " Hopefully this helps. Love, Oinderella." Look at that! What is it? It's for the poopies. Wait... babies poop? Everyone poops, Beauty. Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present, too. Ta-da! You know the baby will love it, because I do! Guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Who's this one from? I got you the biggest one, because I love you most. " Have one on me. Love, Snow White." What is it? He's a live-in babysitter. Where's the baby? You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. It's nothing. I have six more at home. What does he do? Oleaning. Feeding. Burping. So, what are Shrek and I supposed to do? Work on your marriage. Thanks, Rapunzel. What's that supposed to mean? Oome on now, Fiona. You know what happens. You're tired all the time. You start letting yourself go. Stretch marks. Say goodbye to romance. I'm sorry, but how many of you have kids? She's right! A baby will only strengthen the love Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? When he first found out, Shrek said... Onward, my new friends! To our happily ever afters! Now... bombs away! Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. His name's not Peter. Shut it, Wendy. Enough pillaging! To the castle! You go! Take care of the baby! Everybody stay calm! We're going to die! Everyone in! Now! Oome on! Put some back into it! We don't have time. Now go! Quickly, ladies! We'll hold them off as long as we can! Where are Shrek and Fiona? The name doesn't ring a bell. No bell. I suggest you freaks cooperate... ...with the new King of Far Far Away! The only thing you're ever gonna be king of is King of the Stupids! Hook! Right! Avast, ye cookie. Start talking. Gingy! Papa! Settle down now. On the good ship Lollipop It's a sweet trip to the candy shop You! You can't lie. So tell me, puppet... where is Shrek? Well... I don't know where he's not. You don't know where Shrek is? It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume... ...that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. So you do know where he is! On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty... Stop it! ...I do not know where he shouldn't be. If that indeed wasn't where he isn't . Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean... On the good ship Lollipop Enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! He's bringing back the next heir? No! Hook! Get rid of this new " King" . But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. He'll never fall for your tricks! Oh, boy. I can't believe it. Me, a king? I knew I came from royalty, but... ...I figured everyone forgot about me. Oh, no. In fact the King asked for you personally. Really? Wow. But I know it's not all fun and games. It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. This is going to be huge. Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. The finest chefs will wait for your order. And fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters. What do they do? Taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. Poisoned? Or too salty. Don't worry. Your bodyguards will keep you safe. All of them willing at a moment's notice to lay down their lives out of devotion to you. Really? The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Make sure they don't die of famine! Or plague. Plague is

bad. The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Festering sores! You are one funny kitty cat. What did I say? We don't want Artie getting the wrong idea. Artie? There goes my hip! Artie! What are you doing? What does it look like?! This really isn't up to you. I don't know anything about being king! You'll learn on the job! Sorry, but I'm going back. Back to what? Being a loser? Now look what you did! Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief? Shrek! Land ho! How humiliating. Oh, nice going, Your Highness. Now it's "Your Highness" ? What happened to " loser" ? If you think this is getting you out of anything, it isn't . We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another... ...and you're going to be a father! What? You just said "father" . King! You're going to be king! "You're going to be king!" Yeah, right. Where are you going? Far Far Away... from you! Get back here, young man! Boss? I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material. When did you plan to tell him you were supposed to be king? Oome on. Why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Then change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with him. You're right, Donkey. What about this? Shrek! Oome on. It's just a joke. Still... Listen, Artie. If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof. But what I am screamin' is, yo... ...check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! If it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', say, " Oh, no, you didn't ! You're getting on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's ... I'll know it's wack! Help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me! Artie, wait. Oome on! Help! Hello? Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare to... I knew I should have got that warranty! Mr. Merlin? You know this guy? Yeah. He was the school magic teacher, until he had his nervous breakdown. Technically, I was merely a victim of a level 3 fatigue. At the request of my therapist, and the school authorities, I retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Oan I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? Uh, no. Sure you don't want to try my Rock Au Gratin? It's organic. Thanks. I ate a boulder on the way in. We need directions to Far Far Away. "We" ? Who said I was going with you? I did. People are counting on you, so don't try to weasel out of it. If the job's so great, you do it. Understand this, kid. No more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out. That was your Mr. Nice Guy? Yeah, and I'm going to miss him. Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone! Was that a crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away... ...before I kick it there! Now, which way am I kicking? I could tell you, but since you're in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible. Self-destructive...? Are you going to help us or not? Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul! I don't think so. It's either that or primal scream therapy. All right. Journey to the soul. Now, all of you, look into the Fire of Truth and tell me what you see. Ooh, charades! Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls! Okay, monster... go for it. I see a rainbow pony. Excellent work! Now the boy. This is lame. You're lame! Now just go for it. Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Yes! Stay with it! The dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It's going to fall! Proper head case you are. Really messed up. Okay, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Look, Artie, um... Just thought I'd help set the mood... ...for your big heart-to-heart chat. I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Even ogres get scared. You know... once in a while. I know you want me to be king, but I can't . I'm not cut out for it,

and I never will be. Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school first chance he got... ...and I never heard from him again. My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either. I doubt he was worse than mine. Oh, yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. I guess I should have realized it. He bathed me in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. I guess that's pretty bad. It may be hard to believe, what, with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are. You know... you're okay, Shrek. You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Thanks, Artie. The soap's because you stink... really bad. Yeah... I got that. This place is filthy! I feel like a hobo. I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. Everything's always about you. It's not like your attitude is helping. Maybe itjust bothers you I was voted fairest in the land. You mean in that rigged election? Give me a break. " Rapunzel, Rapunzel... ...let down thy golden extensions!" Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together! So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stinkhole until we rot. No, we get inside and find out what Oharming's up to. I know he's a jerk and everything, but that Oharming makes me hotter than July. That's it! Oome on! This way! Rapunzel, wait! Oharming, let go of her. But why would I want to do that? What? Say hello, ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Rapunzel, how could you? Jealous much? Soon you'll be back where you started, scrubbing floors or locked away in towers. That is, if I let you last the week. Pookie, you promised not to hurt them. Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us. We have a show to put on. Shrek will be back soon, and you'll be sorry. Sorry?! Don't you realize once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away... ...he's doomed? Look out! They got a piano! Kill them all... except the fat one. King Oharming has something special in mind for you, ogre. King Oharming? Attack! Artie, duck! Ready the plank! Shrek! Help! Oowards! What has Oharming done with Fiona? She's going to get what's coming to her. And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! We've got to save her. But she's so far far away! Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. No, Shrek. Hold on. I've got an idea. I am a buzzing bee. Mr. Merlin? They need a spell to get them... ...I mean us, back to Far Far Away. Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic. Please. I know you can do it. I said forget it! But... What's with you? It's just so hard, you know? They need to get back, cause their kingdom's in trouble. Cause there's a really bad man. It's just so hard! Take it easy. No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people. Have a heart, old man. They really need your help to get back. Why won't you help them?! Okay. I'll go get my things. Piece of cake. Well, well. You want eggs with that ham? I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. Side effects? Don't worry. Whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful, it will wear off eventually. I think. Oops. You sure about this? If Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't cover... Alacritious expeditious... ...a-zoomy-zoom-zoom! Let's help our friends get back... ...soon! It worked! I haven't been on a trip like that since college! Donkey? What? Is something in my teeth? Oh, no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feastin', second-rate sidekick! At least you don't look like some kind of bloated pi�ata! You should think about going on a diet! You should get yourself a pair of pants. I feel all exposed and nasty! So you two think this is funny? I'm really sorry, guys. Don't be. You got us back, kid. How in the Hans Ohristian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots?

Hey, hey, hey! Be very careful with those. They were made in Madrid by the finest... You'll learn to control that. Seriously. Ow! You need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. Watch it. I'm walking here and I'm gonna keep going until... Pinocchio! Shrek! Help me! What happened? Oharming and the villains took over! Fiona and the Princesses got away. Now she's ... She's what?! What?! Puss! Loan me five bucks. You heard him. Help the brother out. Do you see any pockets on me? Hold on a second. I had no idea, really. I... I swear. Quick! Where is Fiona? Oharming has her locked away someplace. You have to find him! He's probably getting ready for the show! Wait, Pinocchio! What show? " It's a Happily Ever After After All" . " Shrek's final performance" ? Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play! I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it. The ogre! Get him! Don't worry, jefe. I got this. Uck! Kill it! Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! We're dealing with amateurs. He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. I'm going to lose it! Is everything ready? You did get the list for the dressing room? Breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. And I hope you have the saffron corn with jalapeno honey butter. Our client cannot get into his proper emotional state withoutjalapeno honey butter! I just lost it. They should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise! "With this sword, I do..." No. "With..." "With this sword, I do smote thee!" Is " smote" the right word? " Smoot" ? I don't think that's a word. Maybe I should just " smite" him. Let's try this again. Now... Shrek attacks me. I pretend to be afraid. " Now the kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve. Die, ogre!" Blah, blah, blah. Oh, itjust doesn't feel real enough! Who told you to stop dancing?! Wink and turn. What are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly! Our happily ever after is nearly complete, Mummy. And I assure you... ...the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second... ...we've had to wait. Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. Where's Fiona? Don't worry. She and the others are safe... for now. Let me guess. Arthur. It's Artie, actually. This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? How pathetic. Stand still, so I won't make a mess. Oharming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be king, right? You weren't really next in line for the throne. I was. But you said the King asked for me personally. Not exactly. What does that mean? I said whatever I had to say, all right? I wasn't right for the job, so I needed some fool to replace me. And you fit the bill. So just go! You were playing me the whole time. You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. You know, for a minute... ...I actually thought... What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Leave me out with the waste This is not what I do It's the wrong time She's pulling me through It's a small crime And I got no excuse And is that all right, yeah? Is that all right with you? Is that all right, yeah? If I give my gun away when it's loaded? If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it? Is that all right? Is that all right? Is that all right with you? No. Had we stayed put like I suggested, we'd be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups. Yeah, heart-shaped cups. And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. Yeah, loganberries. Shut up, Oindy. Yeah, shut up. No, you shut up. Stay out of this. Who cares who's " running the kingdom" ? I care. You should all care. I have your badge number, tin can! Donkey? Princess! Puss? I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. And I'm me! But you're... Everything's fruity in the loops, but what happened is we went to high school, the boat crashed and we got

bippity-boppity-booped by the magic man. You poor sweet things. I don't get it. The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? Who dat? Where's Shrek? Oharming has him. He plans to kill Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom! All right, everyone. We need to find a way out now. You're right. Ladies, assume the position! What are you doing? Waiting to be rescued. You've got to be kidding me. What else can we do? We're just four... ...I mean three, super-hot princesses... ...two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady! Excuse me. Old lady coming through. Mom! You didn't think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Excuse me. There's still one more. Why don't you just lie down? Okay, girls, from here on out... ...we take care of business ourselves. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present... ..."It's A Happily Ever After After AII." Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen. Oi! No food or beverages in the theater! Places, everyone! Easy! Sorry. I was showing off for the little one. It's Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Oome here, beautiful. Well, she's got your eye. Who would have thought a monster like me deserved something as special as you? Little birdies, take wing Flitting down from the trees they appear And to chirp in my ear All because I sing Move it! Go! My babies! Help! Hey, how's it goin' O to the K. The coast is clear. Let's do this. Go, Team Dynamite! I thought we agreed to use the name Team Super Oool. I recall it was Team Awesome. I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. Okay! From henceforth, we will be Team Alpha Super Awesome Oool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. Ach de liebe! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Artie! Wait, wait! Where is the fire, se�or? Please. Don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on and kept it to yourselves. It's not like it seems. It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all. Using you? You really don't get it. Shrek only said those things to protect you. Oharming was going to kill you, Artie! Shrek saved your life. Oue the spot! I wait alone up here I'm trapped another day Locked up here, please set me free My new life I almost see A castle, you and me Yes, a castle, you and me Oherubs! Tis I, Tis I Upon my regal steed Princess, my love At last you shall be freed I'm strong And brave And dashing my way there With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair! - Through the blistering desert Hot! - Across the stormiest sea Wet! Facing creatures so vile Foul! So you can gaze upon me! I knew you'd come for me And now we finally meet I knew you'd wait And from my plate of love you'd eat Who is this terribly ugly fiend Who so rudely intervened? Will Charming fight or flee? Please rescue me! From this monstrosity! Fear thee not, honey lamb! I will slice this thing up like a ham! Oh, boy. You are about to enter a world of pain With which you are not familiar! It can't be any more painful than your lousy performance. " Prepare, foul beast." Prepare, foul beast, your time is done! Oould you kill me and then sing? Be quiet! I'm just having fun with you. That's actually a very nice leotard. Thank you. Do they come in men's sizes? Now that be funny! Enough! Now you'll finally know what it's like... ...to have everything you worked for... ...everything that's precious to you, taken away. Now you'll know how I felt. Sausage roll! Pray for mercy from Puss! And Donkey! D Hi, honey. Sorry we're late. You okay? Much better, now that you're here. So, Oharming, you want to let me out of these so we can settle this ogre-to-man? Ooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea. No! Let go of me! You will not ruin things this time, ogre. Kill it. Everybody, stop! Oh, what is it now?! Artie? Who thinks we need to settle things this way? You mean you want to be villains your whole lives? But we are villains! It's the only thing we know. You never wish you could be something else? Easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. You morons! Don't listen to him!

Attack! What Steve means is it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. Right. Thanks, Ed. Fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know... ...a good friend once told me... ...just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... ...orjust some loser... ...doesn't mean you are one. What matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want, or someone you want to be... ...the only person standing in your way is you. Me? Get him! No, no, no! What I mean is each of you... ...is standing in your own way. I always wanted to play the flute. I'd like to open up a spa... in France! I grow daffodils. And they're beautiful. A new era finally begins! Now all of you... ...bow before your King! You need to work on your aim. This was supposed to be my happily ever after! Well, you need to keep looking... ...because I'm not giving up mine. Mommy? It's yours if you want it. But this time it's your choice. Author! Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie! Excuse me. That's my seat. Okay, Se�or Hocusy-Pocusy, the time has come to rectify some wrongs! Though I have been enjoying these cat baths. Please say you didn't . All right! Look. You'll feel a pinch and possibly lower intestinal discomfort... ...but this should do the trick. Are you...? I'm me again! And I am not you! All right! Oops. Ah, never mind. What did I tell you? The kid's going to be a great king. Well, for what it's worth, you would have, too. I have something much more important in mind. Finally. Dada. Was I wrong about the world? It's a beautiful new place I smell Shrek Junior! Where else could a creep like me Meet such a pretty face Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! A bouncy, bouncy, boy! Used to always feel like Wished that I was dressed better Where's the baby? Never had a lot of luck Until I finally met her Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done My losing streak is done Well... what shall we do now? I got it. Puss and Donkey, baby! Once again, come on! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Look at my hips! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Break it down! Let's go! Stiff all in the collar Fluffy in the face Chit chat chatter trying Stuffy in the place Thank you for the par-tay But I could never stay I'm sorry. I got many things on my mind But the word's in the way And I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Different strokes for different folks Thank you for letting me be myself Again Break it down! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Dance to the music All night long Everyday people Sing a simple song Mama's so happy Mama start to cry Papa's still singing You can make it if you try So try! Thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you for letting me be myself Again Oome on, Donkey. Do something right! Put the hoofs together! Put the hoofs together! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Thank you for letting me be myself Again I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you, thank you, thank you. Want to thank you Just to be my Because I just want to be my... See? Can I, can I thank you! Can I Yes! Yes!

Omg

[quickeningheart]

Twelve

   There was a drawn-out silence as the mice and Chex sized each other up. After a moment, Throttle cleared his throat, stepping forward. "I'm sure you must be mistaken, Citizen," he began, attempting nonchalance. "We're just three normal bros, getting our bikes looked over by—"

   "Oh, give it up," Chex snorted, crossing her arms. "I'm not an idiot. There's nothing wrong with my eyeballs. And those helmets don't render you invisible, so you might as well take 'em off. I don't know who you think you're fooling. If alien mice doesn't explain all the fur, then my next guess is the evolutionary Missing Link. Or very short Yeti."

   Alley stifled a laugh, and Throttle shot her an annoyed glance as he slowly pulled his helmet off. Vinnie and Modo followed his lead.

   "Well, damn," Chris said softly, eyes wide.

   "Told you," Chex replied, looking smug. She practically vibrated where she stood, she was so excited. "Man, I can't believe they've been here all this time. The club's gonna flip when I tell 'em I got to see them face to face!"

   "Club?" Throttle repeated, frowning.

   "It's some little forum she joined," Chris explained. "For people who think they've been abducted by aliens or some weird shit like that."

   "Shut it, butt-head." Chex delivered another punch to his arm. "That's not what the club's about." She turned back to the mice. "You've saved a lot of people in Chicago since you've been here, right? Well, some of those people started an online forum to socialize and share experiences. Hypothesize about why you're even here. Stuff like that."

   "And … you're one of those people," Throttle guessed.

   "Sure am." Chex nodded at Modo. "Big Gray there saved my life awhile back."

   The mouse straightened, startled by the sudden attention. "The name's Modo," he corrected. "Modo Maverick."

   "Maverick, huh?" Her smile widened. "I like that. Totally a hero's name."

   Modo beamed as Vinnie whistled and nudged him in the side.

   "So what happened to you?" Charley wanted to know.

   "There was some big skirmish downtown about three years ago. Felt like an earthquake or something. Total chaos, people running around, screaming like a buncha lunatics… And I remember there was this really weird whining. Sounded kinda like a drill, but deeper and a lot louder."

   "Hey, I remember that!" Vinnie cut in. "Wasn't that when Limburger decided he was gonna dig under the big shopping center?"

   "Yeah, he was lookin' for something. Anybody ever figure out what that was?" Modo asked, scratching his head.

   "Who cares? He goes out an' makes with the boom-boom, we go in an' stop 'im. That's all we need ta know." Vinnie punched his fist into his palm with a wicked grin.

   Chex huffed. "Yeah, well, I happened to be in that shopping center when it was all goin' down. Everything was crumbling around me and all the exits were getting blocked off. Some guy bowled me over, and I got my leg pinned. I was trying to pull free, and then these loud cracks went off right over my head. Sounded like a buncha gunshots. I thought someone had opened fire on top of everything else. So I looked up, and the freakin' wall's about to topple over." She shuddered, rubbing her arms. "I won't ever forget what that felt like, watching that slab of concrete falling in slo-mo right on top of me."

   "So what then?" Alley asked, wide-eyed.

   "Well, I sure wasn't goin' anywhere. When that asshole shoved me, I fell into the rubble and knocked something loose. Big chunk fell right on top of me. My leg was good and pinned. Hurt like hell, too. I just sorta buried my head in my arms and prayed I'd die quick, and I wouldn't end up buried alive or be laying there in agony for days wondering if anyone'd find me. I might've screamed, I guess. I don't really remember." Chex shrugged. "Someone heard something, though, 'cause when I figured out I still wasn't dead, that's when I looked back up and saw this huge gray … person standing over me, hefting that slab of concrete like a piece of paper. Just tossed it aside with his bare hands! And then he grabbed the big chunks pinning me down and tossed them, too. He wasn't wearing a helmet, and there was all this fur and metal and big ears … and then he started talking to me, asking if I was okay. And all I remember thinking is he was the biggest damned hamster I'd ever seen."

   "Aw, c'mon!" Vinnie protested, tossing his hands in the air. "They never get it right! Why don't they ever get it right?"

   "We're mice, ma'am. Just for future reference," Modo rumbled, mouth quirking.

   "Well, sure, I can see that now," Chex snorted. "Waddaya want? I'd just lived through my first near-death experience. Sorry if I was a little delirious."

   "Least you didn't call him a rat," Alley teased. "They hate that."

   Modo rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Seems I recall findin' a little girl pinned down, 'bout to be squashed flat. Your leg was busted up pretty bad, wasn't it? I pulled ya loose an' dropped you off at the ambulance outside. You were bleedin' out pretty heavily."

   "Yeah." Chex nodded. "The femur bone was snapped in two places. And my tibia was broken so badly the bone ripped clean through the skin. Scary shit. I ended up in surgery and the hospital for two months, a full-leg cast another two months after that. Took a lot of therapy just so I could walk again, too." She pulled up her ripped legging, showing off a long, jagged scar that started at the middle of her calf and ran up under the material covering her upper leg. "Ends at the thigh. Pretty cool, huh?" she said proudly.

   Modo whistled. "Impressive battle scar. You doin' okay now?"

   "Sure. Leg still aches when the weather changes, and I won't ever win any marathons or anything, but I can walk, and even more importantly, I'm not a greasy smear on the pavement." Chex approached him, gray eyes searching his face as she took his metal hand into both of hers. He blinked down at her, nonplussed; it wasn't often a human willingly touched him, after all. "Like I said, I was really out of it back then, and I don't even remember if I thanked you," she told him sincerely. "So I'm saying it now. Thank you, Modo Maverick. You're a really good person. And I'm glad I can tell you that face to face."

   Modo squirmed, ignoring the catcalls and whistles from his comrades as he smiled awkwardly down at her, rubbing the back of his head. "Well, it wasn't anything, ma'am," he mumbled, flustered. "Just doin' my job and all that."

   Chex seemed to recall their audience then, quickly dropping his hand and stepping back, hooking her thumbs through the belt loops of her checkered skirt with a self-conscious shrug. "Yeah, well, just sayin'. Thanks," she mumbled, ducking her head. Her face was nearly as red as her hair. After a moment, she straightened up, affecting her usual aloof attitude. "Anyway. That's how I found out about alien mice. I had to know who you were, so while I was recovering, I started searching around on the net, looking for … I dunno, info on mutant rodents in the subways or something." She smirked at Vinnie's snort of disgust. "That's when I found the forum, and figured out there were others who'd been saved by giant talking, bike-riding mice, and there it is."

   "And there it is. Gotta love social media. So much for covert operations."

   All eyes turned to the black-clad figure coasting into the garage on a sleek black racer, taking in the scene from behind the visor of a wing-eared helmet.

   Chris straightened up, surprised. "Hey! You're—"

   "Yep. I'm," Stoker grunted, pulling the helmet off to meet his gaze with shrewd eyes. "And you're the whelp who stuck with our Alley Cat the other night. Thanks for that, kid."

   "The name is Chris. Christopher Archer. And my sister is Constance."

   "Chex. Call me Constance and I'll be forced to cut your tongue out," the redhead mumbled. "Cool bike, by the way. That's like … super stealth bike or something. I didn't even hear the engine."

   "That's 'cause I turned it off," Stoker said with a chuckle, dismounting and rolling the bike over to Charley. "She needs a checkup, if you get the chance. Maybe some oil. Had a bit of a bumpy ride gettin' back."

   "Run into some problems?" Charley asked.

   "Just a few random goons out lookin' for trouble. Nothin' I couldn't handle. But they did get in a few shots to my ride here. Think one of 'em might've taken out the suspension."

   "Poor baby. I'll have you fixed right up," Charley crooned, petting the dusty crankshaft affectionately. And damned if the bike didn't rumble right back.

   Alley blinked. "Did … did that thing just purr at you?"

   Charley laughed. "I did tell you Martian bikes are equipped with AI, right?"

   "Uh, yeah, I seem to recall something about that. I just didn't—They actually respond to you? Like, they can understand what you say?" Alley looked the bike over with new appreciation.

   "That is the general definition of artificial intelligence," Charley deadpanned.

   "Wow. Real AI. How cool is that?" Chex crouched in front of Modo's bike. "Hey, if you can understand me, honk or something."

   There was a moment of silence. Then a short, sharp beep sounded, startling Chex into falling back onto her rear. She gaped for a second, then laughed. "That is wicked! Where can I get one?"

   "Forget it, Short Stack. Dad'll never let you get a motorcycle," Chris scoffed.

   "I'm eighteen. He doesn't really have a say in the matter," she tossed back, hopping to her feet. "Hey, will you give me a ride?" She grinned up at Modo, who sputtered for a response.

   "Chex, we're here to see Alley, remember?" Chris sighed.

   "Oh, well, she could come along."

   Alley's eyes widened. "Uhhh … no thanks. I've seen how these guys drive those things around. I'm rather attached to my life. I'd like to keep it, if it's all the same to you."

   Chex laughed. "Wuss."

   "If by 'wuss' you mean 'possessing a healthy dose of self-preservation', then yes. I am a huge wuss," she sniffed, smoothing down her skirt.

   Beside her, Stoker chuckled low in his throat. "We'll have to work on that," he murmured, smirking down at her.

   She pulled a face at him. "Where the hell have you been skulking around, anyway?"

   "You miss me? I'm touched." He flashed a cheeky grin.

   "Yeah, sure." She waved him off. "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

   "Aw, honey, go easy on an old mouse's ego."

   "Sir, your ego is indomitable. I'm sure nothing I say will make a dent," she huffed, a smile twitching around her lips despite her best efforts to remain stern.

   He noticed, leaning in with a sly smile, eyes lidded as he prepared to turn up the charm.

   Only Alley suddenly wasn't there anymore, having been pulled out from under his nose by Chris's grip on her arm. He straightened, glaring at the intruder. "You mind? We were having a private conversation."

   Chris winced at the venom in his tone but, as before, refused to back down. He turned to Alley. "Listen, Chex and I have to be back at the dorms in a few hours. We promised our parents we'd have dinner with them tonight."

   "You promised them," Chex corrected.

   He ignored her. "Anyway, if you wanted to go shopping for a new phone, maybe have something to eat and do a little sightseeing downtown, we'd probably better leave soon."

   "Oh. Sure, lemme go grab my purse. It's upstairs," Alley replied, shooting him a grateful smile as she turned to flee the garage.

   "Cock-blocked!" Vinnie sang under his breath as soon as she left, earning himself a whack across the head by Stoker's palm and muffled sniggers from Modo and Throttle.

   "And speaking of phones…" Stoker's tail whipped around and plucked the smartphone Chex had been using to covertly snap pictures neatly from her fingers. "Ah-ah. None of that now," he scolded, not unkindly, as he browsed the files.

   "Hey!" she yelped. "Give that back! What're you doing?"

   "Just a little damage control." He navigated the touch screen with ease before tossing the gadget back to her.

   She hastily checked it over, jaw dropping. "You deleted them! You deleted everything! All of my info … my videos! Do you know how hard it was to get some of this stuff?" she lamented.

   "I'm sorry for your loss," Stoker deadpanned, not looking sorry in the least. "No offense, Red, but I don't fancy having our ruggedly handsome mugs plastered all over the internet. Makes it real hard to work when you've got people out hunting you down for a celebrity snapshot. Kindly refrain from future endeavors."

   Chex pouted. "What's wrong with wanting to show Chicago that we've got our very own superheroes protecting us from the mafia? The cops sure as hell don't do anything about it."

   "Oh. Uh…" Alley offered a sheepish grin as she descended the stairs, having overheard the conversation. "Yeah, about that mafia story I fed you…"

   Chex's eyes widened. "No way. Is Limburger an alien, too?"

   "Something like that."

   "Awesome!"

   "Not really, no." Alley shot her a funny look. "He's trying to strip-mine the planet, starting with Chicago. There's nothing remotely awesome about it."

   "Is that why he wants the school?" Chris asked. "He wants to rip it apart?"

   "Likely. It's sitting on a choice piece of property," Stoker grunted. "Lots of resources to ship off to Plutark."

   "Is that his planet? And that's why you guys are here. To stop him from doing it?"

   "Yep."

   "But why?" Chex asked. "I mean, this isn't your home. Why are you risking your necks for a world that doesn't even know you exist?"

   "Because the Plutarkians are a disease that need to be wiped out," Modo growled, eye glowing. "They started with our planet Mars, and nearly demolished our entire race. Earth is next on the list, and unlike Mars, it doesn't have the kind of defenses needed to beat 'em off."

   "And once they're through with this dirt ball, they'll move on to the next," Throttle added. "Just like a huge, smelly swarm of … waddaya call 'em? Locusts?"

   "We do have nuclear weapons," Chris said doubtfully.

   "Hah! The stinkfish live off that sorta thing!" Vinnie scoffed. "Toxic waste and radiation and destruction … they eat it for breakfast. A couple of nuclear bombs wouldn't even slow 'em down."

   "Yeah, all you'd be doin' is helpin' em rip up the planet that much faster," Modo added, snapping his fingers for emphasis.

   The twins exchanged glances. "The government—" Chris started.

   "Is next to useless," Stoker cut him off with a snort. "They can't do anything we're not already doin'. Besides, it'll just come back to nuclear warfare and vaporizing their own planet in a useless attempt to get rid of the Plutarkians."

   "Yeah, and then they'll probably turn around an' use the same methods on us," Vinnie grumbled.

   "That's true," Charley agreed with a sigh. "I don't think Earth is ready for the knowledge that 'little green men' actually exist." She chuckled when Vinnie huffed, tweaking his ear. "Don't worry, you're all much cuter than E.T.," she teased.

   "And about time you admitted it, Babe," he replied, crossing his arms smugly. But he was blushing under his fur.

   "What I don't get," Alley cut in, "is how they don't already know. I mean, people are talking about you guys online, and Chex probably isn't the only one who's tried to take pictures and videos. Right?"

   "Oh, sure." Chex shrugged. "Media gets posted on various sites all the time. The problem is, it never stays posted. It's like the moment new footage appears, the site goes poof for a few minutes. When it comes back online, all the footage is gone. Happens every time. The Mouseketeers think—"

   "The Mouseketeers?"

   Chex laughed at the disgust written across four furry faces. "It's what the forum folk call themselves. Don't look at me like that, I didn't come up with it!"

   "Well, come up with somethin' else," Vinnie grumbled. "That name's just embarrassing!"

   "Yeah, sure, I'll get right on that." Chex rolled her eyes. "Anyway, the general theory is the government is responsible for getting rid of the evidence. Keep the knowledge of alien warfare happening right under our noses from getting out to the general populace. Hold off the world-wide panic it'd cause. In the meantime, hope the two species end up wiping themselves out nice and neat, and save taxpayer dollars by not having to send in our own military to finish the job."

   "And they're not at all worried that two alien species with superior technology battling over our planet might end up, I dunno, completely obliterating it instead?" Alley asked skeptically.

   "Hey, I did say it was a theory."

   "And that's all it is," Stoker put in, shaking his head with amusement. "Sorry to burst your conspiracy bubble, but none of Earth's governments are responsible for keepin' this invasion under wraps. Mars has been monitoring your satellites for decades. Any evidence of alien species that pops up is immediately eliminated, especially Martian and Plutarkian. Can't risk having our own civilization exposed trying to save yours, after all."

   "You can't possibly silence everyone who finds out about you," Chris argued. "What about the probes we send up?"

   "Bah. Inferior Earthen technology. Easily compromised," the mouse snorted. "As for the rest, well…" He tapped one of his antenna. "These ain't here just for show, ya know. We have ways."

   "What do you mean?"

   "Memory wipes," Throttle grunted, mouth twisting with distaste.

   "You can do that?" Charley asked, startled. Clearly, this was news to her.

   "Not all of us," Vinnie told her. "Only a few 'specially powerful empaths are trained for that sorta thing. Ain't easy, and fiddlin' around with another person's brain is pretty frowned upon. I mean, one wrong move an' you've got a drooling vegetable on your hands."

   "Luckily we have little cause to employ such techniques," Stoker added, expression grim. "But there's been a time or two when the wrong person discovered us, and we've been forced to go in for a little … mental rewiring."

   "And by 'we', do you actually mean you?" Alley asked. Stoker didn't answer. But his silence spoke volumes. She frowned. "Have you ever … made a wrong move?"

   "No," he replied firmly. "But my predecessor did, with another empathic race from the Quantrum Sector."

   "The what now?"

   "Another galaxy. You wouldn't have heard of it. That was a bad job. Pretty much the guidelines of what not to do when attempting a mind-wipe. Not only scrambled the poor bastard on the receiving end, but his own brain, as well. That's when I was pulled in to take over his position by the army. This was back before the Freedom Fighters, of course. When I was just a young punk, barely older'n Rimfire." He nodded at Modo.

   "You never told us this before, Stoke," Vinnie said, sounding awed.

   "Ain't somethin' I like to talk about," he replied. "Not a part of my life I'm particularly proud of. For the greater good or not, there's no honor in wipin' another person's mind. Especially when you're never told why you're doin' it in the first place. Toward the end, before I defected, I had my suspicions that the government was gettin' a little corrupt. They were sendin' us in more 'n more often to 'take care of things'. I suspect it was to keep control over an increasingly disgruntled population, when Plutark stepped in an' started buyin' up Martian property."

   "And that's why you formed the Freedom Fighters," Throttle finished.

   "Yep. That about sums it up. Somebody had to protect what was left of our people. We're all they had left."

  "Your own government sold you out?" Alley asked softly.

   "Money is power, honey. Even on other planets. Corruption is a universal problem." Stoker glanced at Chex with a raised eyebrow. "And you might consider tellin' your online buddies to start bein' a little more careful what they slap up on their sites. I may not be one of the army's guard dogs anymore, but that don't mean I've forgotten what to do. And there're still more guard dogs who ain't as nice as me, either. You annoy the wrong people or become a big enough threat, you just might find yourselves on the wrong end of Martian antenna."

   Chex gulped, face paling under her makeup. Even Chris looked a little green around the gills.

   "Great. Well, now that you've finished terrifying my friends, I think it's time for us to go," Alley muttered, starting toward the Caprice.

   "Hold up, there!" Charley snagged her by the back of the shirt as she passed, bringing her up short. "Just so you know, you 'n me are gonna have a talk when you get back."

   "What'd I do?"

   Charley shot her a look. "Guess."

   Alley's brow furrowed. "Oh, what, you're pissed 'cause I was worried about you? That's gratitude."

   "Do you honestly believe that's why I'm upset?"

   The cousins stubbornly faced each other down, before Alley conceded defeat, shoulders slumping. "Okay, okay," she grumbled. "You can bust my chops when I get back. Just lemme get these two out of your hair first." She stomped to the twins, who were now waiting in the car.

   "What was that all about?" Chris asked as she opened the passenger door and slid in.

   "Somebody in trouble?" Chex teased from the back seat.

   Alley waved off their questions. "Don't worry about it. Right before you arrived, we were having a … family discussion of sorts. I might've said a few things I shouldn't have in front of a few people I shouldn't have… She's a little steamed about it."

   Chex hummed. "Wanna hide out in the dorms for awhile until the storm blows over?" she offered. "I could probably stuff you under the bed."

   Alley laughed. "Thanks, but I'll take my licks like a good little soldier, and pray Charley doesn't decide to send me packing back to Florida."

   They drove in silence for a few minutes, before Chex leaned forward, draping her gloved arms over the back of the bench seat. "Hey, you think that Stoker guy was serious about the whole, you know, mind-wipe thing?" she asked.

   Alley shrugged, poking through the cassette tapes Chris had stashed in a worn shoebox on the seat between them. "Dunno why he'd lie about it. He's a trained soldier, and from what I've heard, he's got some mad skills on the battlefield. Like, a four-star general or something. The mice do have some sort of telepathic ability. I guess some could be strong enough to erase memories." She chose a cassette and shoved it into the player; Queen's These are the Days of Our Lives blasted over the speakers. "Oh, I love this song!" She began to sing along.

   Chex shifted impatiently. "But, like, do you think he'd really do it?" she pressed.

   "I dunno. Maybe. Why do you want to know?"

   Chris snorted. "She probably wants to go tell all her little forum buddies where they can find them. She never could keep a secret."

   "Shut up," Chex grumbled, slumping back in her seat.

   Frowning, Alley turned around in her seat. "Look, I can't say what Stoker may or may not do, but I can tell you that all four of those guys are way protective of Charley. They consider her one of theirs, and they'll fight tooth and nail to defend their own. If you go blabbing their location around and end up putting her or her garage in danger, getting mind-wiped will be the least of your worries. You've already seen Modo in action. Do you really wanna risk pissing off a bunch of trained rebel soldiers who can heft concrete walls with their bare hands?"

   Chex didn't have much to say on the matter after that.

   Alley could only hope she wouldn't have much to say on the matter at any future time, either.

Next

[palecroissantgothstudent-blog]

Yo yo bro

SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                         You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                         He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                             SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                                                             SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.               THE END

[mona-rei-is-not-okay]

Heya. I'm the sibling asker ! H/s = honorary sibling. Hope you're doing fine

i love deep friendship gimme gimme

and there are NO MAYBES YOU WILL HAVE THE BONUS BOY ALWAYS especially with cute asks like these omg i love

i don’t know too much about MT!Paps though, so i’m sorry if my interpretation is a lil wonky. also h/s is teen, sorry if it isn’t apparent

UF!Sans: He’s really concerned about your low mood spell, but isn’t really sure what to do about it. As much as he relates to your apparent anxieties, he doesn’t know what to do to make you feel better. He’s not usually good at comforting words. What he will do is check in a lot. Make sure you’re generally doin okay and have everything you need. Again, if you need to vent, he’ll listen.

But he really doesn’t get why the cuddles make such a difference. Sure, he’s become a bit of a cuddlebug himself, but the way you completely relax like that? Unnatural. Especially since it’s the only thing that seems to be cheering you up. But then again, who is he to question what works? He won’t exactly cling to you from then on, but he’ll start following you around the house a bit more, snagging every cuddle opportunity. It’s still a little weird, but it’s a lot better than seeing his kid sibling all skittish. Eventually though, curiosity gets the better of him, and he just has to ask.

And your answer?

Congratulations, you have floored your big bro. Beet red in the face. Absolutely no composure. What did he do to deserve your trust?? Why are you so sweet?? Aaaaaah?!? He pets your head and tries not to let you hear his wheezing, but it’s obvious, he’s really moved and has no idea how to deal with it.

“h-heh… watch where yer aimin’ that sweetness, kiddo… i’m gettin’ a toothache… jeez…”

Anyway, was he tailing you before? Welp, now he’s become your guard dog. It doesn’t matter where you’re going, he’s comin’ with you.He’ll always be by your side, gently holding your arm and keeping his head on a swivel for shifty characters. If you ever need to navigate a crowd or a tight space, he’ll usher you behind him and get you to grab the fluff of his hood while he leads the way. He can’t exactly follow you to school, but he’ll shortcut to walk you between classes if you let him. Your teachers hate him. He’ll stop following you everywhere if you fend him off with a stick, but until your mood improves… well, he’s your personal escort now, deal with it

UF!Papyrus: He’s always wanted a little sibling. He loves helping people, and shows love through physical care.He’s a bit of a mother hen. It’s part of why he took in his cat, Doomfanger. To him, you are an absolute blessing.

So he’s already got some huge maternal instincts, but your mood has got him sent into overdrive. He’ll always be asking you if you need anything, fixing you comfort snacks, asking if you need help with homework, doing a chore or cleaning a room so you don’t have to. It might feel naggy or get a little overwhelming, and he’ll dial it back if you tell him to, but his first instinct will always be to take care of possible stress sources directly. It helps him feel better, too.

So when you settle down to cuddle and just… completely deflate, he asks about it immediately. He must know. He must help.

And when you answer…

His face is deep maroon. If anybody else had said that, he would have dismissed it. But coming from you? Wowie. He feels like he’s succeeded as a caretaker. He’s about ready to squeal with joy, but he contains himself. Smiling from ear to nonexistent ear, he loops an arm behind you and pulls you closer. He tries to mask his joy with a confident air, but the grin betrays him.

“WELL! THAT’S… PERFECTLY NATURAL!! AS THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS HAS TAKEN YOU UNDER HIS PROTECTION!!!”

From then on, every time he starts an activity or chore, you’re invited. Help him put away groceries! Help him do laundry! Help him cook! Also, if you accompany him on errands, hand-holding is required.

“I HAVE TO KEEP TRACK OF YOU SOMEHOW! STOP GIGGLING!”

He just wants to make sure you feel safe. Even if it means walking you to and from school, fixing you lunches with positive sticky notes in the bag, and taking you with him everywhere he goes. It’s not cute!

MT!Sans: He’s not around as much as either of you would like, but he knows you’re feeling down. He remembers seeing his brother with such a similar look on his face. Young fool that Sans was, he started taking him with on small jobs to keep him company. And now Pappy deals in some of the same dirty business he does. He’s promised himself not to make the same mistake with you.

He does his best to help you take it in stride while he’s around, but he knows there’s only so much he can do. He feels a twinge of guilt every time he has to leave you in that state. He knows it probably doesn’t have much to do with him, but he feels responsible. Maybe if he were around more, or even just in a safer profession, you wouldn’t seem so worried all the time.

Cuddles are solace for both of you. He gets to relax and feel like he’s doing something, and you don’t seem half as rigid. Smiles all around! He already sort of knows why you relax so easily in his arms, or thinks he does, but he feels he should still make sure.

And…

Well, he didn’t know what he was expecting, but he can’t keep his grin from widening a touch. You’re the light of his life, you know that? Honestly, what did he do to deserve you? But the guilt sets back in. No wonder you’ve been feeling down… he’s been particularly busy lately, and he really should make more time for you. And if you didn’t normally feel safe, whose fault is that? Well… nobody feels safe in this part of town.

“well…” He’ll plant a small kiss on the top of your head. “take it easy, kiddo. i promise, someday, we’ll all get the hell outta here.”

He’ll get somebody to watch the house while he’s gone. He knows he can’t be there all the time, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t know you aren’t safe. He’ll call you more often to check in, too. Also… he’ll start putting a little extra away, start saving for a little vacation. Maybe some time out of town will do all of you some good. You’re family, and he’ll take care of you no matter the risk or cost.

MT!Papyrus: He’s around more than Sans is, thankfully. He sticks around to fix you meals and offer cuddles and make sure the house is safe. It’s given him plenty of time to notice one of his favorite siblings’ low mood.

He does his best to help out in indirect ways, checking the house for wires and cameras and sweeping the perimeter every so often. He knows this helps with his brother sometimes, when he gets paranoid. But he isn’t sure that’s your problem. He feels a little lost, but is upbeat as ever. He has to set a good example after all.

He most likely won’t ask about the cuddles for a while. He’s more concerned with what more he can do to make you comfortable, and if this works, it works. Besides- openly nosy folk are seldom rewarded in his line of business. Eventually though, he’ll push back the instinct. He trusts you, and this could make a lot of difference in helping you cheer up.

And when you tell him…

He’s beaming at you with such genuine joy, he looks like he might just start crying. Just… wowie! He doesn’t really understand why you’d feel that way, he’s only decent in crisis situations, but the fact that you really trust him that much? Well, it’s not something he gets a lot of. He must be doing something right if you feel this way.

He’ll rest his chin on your head and give you a hearty squeeze. “WELL! I SUPPOSE!! YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO STAY IN THIS HUG!!! FOREVER!!!!”

He won’t move for a while, get used to him, he lives there now. From then on, he’ll start taking every opportunity to come home early and see you. He’ll ask you to cook with him, he’ll ask you to read to him, he’d even try to sneak you with him on jobs if Sans didn’t always seem to stop you. He tries to be around the house more in general, he wants his little sibling to know that he’s always around if you need him.

HT!Sans: He understands your mood all too well. He’s been through plenty of periods of fear and depressive episodes in his day, and he knows how it feels. Sometime he feels like the only way he can perceive the world is either through an all-consuming fog or with painful knife-point precision. But it’s hard for him to think back to what he wanted during more desperate times. Food? Safety? He’s pretty sure you’ve got those covered already. Maybe your head just acts up a little sometimes, like his.

He’ll make sure you have everything you need, regardless. You hungry? Tired? He’ll take care of it, just you relax. If you need to talk, he may not understand or remember everything you say, but he’ll do his best to offer comfort.

It doesn’t quite register how much you relax when you cuddle him, not for a while. He can be a little slow sometimes. He’ll get it eventually though, and he’ll ask about it. This seems important, had he asked before?

And what you tell him…

It almost brings a tear to his eye. He may have a trauma-induced forgetful streak, but he remembers a lot of things. He remembers a lot of nasty, horrible things. He remembers the taste of human flesh. He remembers the strain of keeping his guard up at all times. He remembers watching his brother slip away.

But you? You’ve been his second chance. You gave him the opportunity to make things right with himself. A sibling he didn’t have to fail. He most definitely felt he didn’t deserve you or your trust... after all, he had eaten people like you without a second thought. But you gave your trust just as freely. 

“heh…” He ruffles your hair. “hope that works out for ya.”

He’ll do his best to be available for cuddles (not that he has much to keep him away) and he’ll try to take you with him if he has to go somewhere. He always makes an effort to ask about your day, if anything bad happened, if anything good happened. He doesn’t feel like he can do much, but he’ll do what he can to make things easier on you.

[loverspidey]

oh red my beloved. i've missed this series so much aaand in honor of red coming out (like over a month ago but idc), i will re-read this rn :o

Often stutters around the presence of peers like Y/N Y/L/N or Cindy Moon but he would definitely stand his ground in front of Flash Thompson.

EEK CINDY MY FAVORITE GIRL!!! she's an icon, a legend and she is the moment. i love her character sm, if she was real, we would be besties fr

"N-no she wasn't." Peter stuttered, shaking his head in denial.

she waaas. i can confirm because i am her 😁

Bro code, Peter always used as an excuse. But he couldn't fool anybody, not even himself. He knew that it wasn't good for you to befriend him in order to try and cling on to a part of what had hurt and left you to the ground.

bringing back the harry osborn hate club bc he sucks :)

"Finally, Parker. I was starting to think this table's an exclusive club." Cindy joked but he was barely paying attention.

talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it. - i will hype her up until the end of times

Or more than friends, you thought. You knew about their short lived relationship that blossomed because of the Europe trip. You also knew that they broke up but remained good friends.

me starting to read this paragraph: "ok not to be jealous, but like mj really wasn't a great fit for peter-"

You were jealous. Not of anybody, but of the way you will probably never get to feel what it's like to have the person you've been through so much with stay after falling in love, even if it was in the cruelest way.

me reading THIS paragraph: "okay so we ARE jealous"

"That's great! Of course we will!" His grin is very infectious. "There's try outs next week and because of the rules, you have to go through that, but are you kidding me? You're Y/N! Nothing but the best!"

But maybe it wasn’t a staring contest that would bring you two together, but rather the mischievous smirk on Ned Leeds’ face when he took a screenshot of your instagram story post followed by him opening an editing app.

HEHEHEHEHEHE THIS IS A NED LEEDS STAN ACCOUNT!!!

RED (and blue) + p. parker series

+ chapter one

→ Y/N, a swiftie, jokingly reposts the “Red (Taylor’s Version) boyfriend application form” on her instagram story.

The details are as follows: Looking for a boyfriend for the last week of August to the month of November- right before RED (Taylor’s version) drops to be exact. Applicant needs to make me fall in love with you immensely and you are required to break me like a promise before the deadline.

And somehow Peter Parker finds himself as the top candidate.

pairing: peter parker x fem!reader

warnings: not much, some typos maybe and just peter turning red every few seconds

word count: 1.8k

series masterlist + my masterlist

prologue | one

The thing about Ned Leeds was that he's an ambivert.

Often stutters around the presence of peers like Y/N Y/L/N or Cindy Moon but he would definitely stand his ground in front of Flash Thompson.

Nevertheless, his classmates still found his sweet disposition endearing which meant that, surprisingly, he has a lot of instagram followers. Another surprise was that Ned was somehow always on top of the latest gossip around Midtown High.

"Dude, check what Y/N posted on her story." Ned chuckled as he elbowed Peter's side.

His friend merely grumbled out a response as he furiously wrote something down on his notebook. Ned peered over Peter's shoulder to check what was going on.

Web fluids, again?

Ned sighed as he put his chin on the palm of his hand. Their chemistry teacher this year wanted to "go back to the basics" on the first day to serve as recap for the students in the class. Which was completely ironic considering this school is one of, if not the top science school in New York City.

"She was totally checking you out earlier, y'know?"

"What?"

The sudden halt from the pencil scratching the paper made Ned laugh again.

"Y/N." He shrugged, as if he was really trying to put a blush on Peter's face. "She was staring at you during homeroom."

"N-no she wasn't." Peter stuttered, shaking his head in denial.

It's not like Peter was intimidated by you. Well, he kind of is now compared to a few years ago. He knew you were nice and easy to get along with, but he was a witness to what happened between you and him, so Peter decided that the best thing was to keep his distance. He wouldn't know what to do if he was in your position; having the friend of the person who hurt you constantly be in your presence isn't something he'd want to go through.

So, he made sure not to socialize much around you. Peter knows you wouldn't bite his head off, considering the time last year that you two were paired for a short presentation in History class. You two were civil and it pained him to see your face fall whenever he gave a nonchalant response to your niceties.

Bro code, Peter always used as an excuse. But he couldn't fool anybody, not even himself. He knew that it wasn't good for you to befriend him in order to try and cling on to a part of what had hurt and left you to the ground.

Peter didn't know he let out an audible sigh, but the raised eyebrow on Ned's face told him that he did.

"It's just, you know, with her and everything that happened in the past..." Peter didn't know where he was going with this argument but lucky for him, Ned was called on to answer a question.

Ned gave him the side eye, which signaled that he wasn't done pestering him with the topic of Y/N.

All Peter wanted was for lunch to come sooner.

+

As students flooded the hallways to get to the cafeteria, Peter found the perfect excuse. Well, perfect if he wasn't an enhanced individual.

Ned was still trailing behind him with a knowing look and rolled his eyes every few seconds, right after Peter said that he couldn't hear him because of the people around them.

The two got their food in silence and Peter's plan of speaking up about how he didn't want to talk about you flew out the window when you and Cindy stood in front of their table with soft smiles on your faces.

Immediately, his thoughts went back to what Ned said earlier. You were staring at him? That couldn't be right. You were kind and friendly, but you never really looked at him. Only at who once stood by his side.

Cindy cleared her throat and gave Peter a pointed look. He immediately took away his glance at the two girls who now probably thought he was a creep. He felt heat rise to his cheeks when he saw that you were looking at him. Again? But that's just wishful thinking.

Yeah, Cindy was pretty, but you were pretty.

He shook his head. That doesn't even make any sense. Get your mind out of the gutter, Parker.

"Hi," You said with a small wave.

"Hey, guys!" Ned greeted with enthusiasm. Peter was surprised yet thankful that his best friend knew what to do in this situation.

"Can we sit?" You timidly asked which shocked Peter.

He knew you as this outspoken girl, often being present at student rallies, being a representative for school advocacies, and god, you were once the darling of the decathlon team. Always the one with the winning answer followed by a shy smile when your teammates cheered your name.

Unfortunately, you were once the darling of somebody else too at the time, which led to your departure from them.

Ned elbowed him once again and he looked up to see the worry starting to settle on your features. His spidey senses also felt that you were about to turn around so he flashed his best and most reassuring smile.

"Yeah, of course!" Peter's smile mirrored the one blooming on your face.

"Finally, Parker. I was starting to think this table's an exclusive club." Cindy joked but he was barely paying attention.

Peter was trying his best to tone down his enhanced senses. He felt you look at him, back down at your food, then at him again. He doesn't like using his senses on regular citizens but sometimes it gets difficult.

Unbeknownst to each other, you were both thankful that Cindy and Ned carried the conversation for the group, with you chiming in every once in a while. You felt a little out of place considering that Cindy had time to cultivate a friendship with the two boys.

You had your fair share of memories filled with laughter with Peter and Ned when you were still part of decathlon. But after leaving, your own personal insecurities clouded your thoughts and you felt as if they were disappointed in you. Cindy had always assured you that these thoughts were ridiculous and everyone on the team sympathized with you. She even said that they all miss you but you recall your History project with Peter and her words become hazy. He barely interacted with you and when he did, it was through a curt email that had his parts for the presentation attached, nothing else. No 'I hope you are doing well' or 'how are you?' considering the fact he barely acknowledged your presence when you two had to work real time in the classroom.

From across the table, Peter could feel the pitter patter of your heart turn irregular which worried him a little. As he opened his mouth to speak to you, you looked away. A sound of a text message notification caught your attention.

You heard Cindy sigh in frustration next to you and she looked across the cafeteria. You followed her gaze to see Flash with a ridiculously funny, freaked out expression on his face.

"Be right back." Cindy whispered to your ear before she stood up.

"But—"

"Babe, I love you but you have to do.." Cindy looked at Peter which increased his worry tenfold. "This. Okay?"

Do what? Peter internally panicked. What did Cindy look at me for?! Is it about the thing you posted that Ned told him to check out but out of pure cowardice he never got—

"Okay," You sighed in defeat.

Ned raised an eyebrow but neither one of you noticed. It's funny, how Spider-man's best friend's actions are usually the ones that go unnoticed by the hero himself.

"I–uh, I need water." Ned suppressed his laughter at the pleading look in Peter's eyes, silently asking ‘don't leave me alone with the pretty girl who you said was staring at me earlier.’

"But you still have—" Peter pointed to the full water bottle on Ned's tray.

"I gotta stay hydrated, y'know?" Ned said and he gulped as he made eye contact with you. "To.. avoid acne."

Your giggle was nearly inaudible, but of course Peter picked up on it. It distracted him enough for Ned to slip away and approach the vending machine with no absolute intention of purchasing something.

"So.."

"Uhm.."

"Ladies first." Peter said.

"Ever the gentleman," You said with a small laugh for a second before your lips formed into a straight line. "You're friends with MJ, right?"

Or more than friends, you thought. You knew about their short lived relationship that blossomed because of the Europe trip. You also knew that they broke up but remained good friends. You knew the latter because of the time you longingly stared through the window to watch the decathlon team practice and you saw them laughing together. You wonder if true friendships can really withstand the trials and tribulations of relationships losing its magic. Or maybe they were still in love.

You were jealous. Not of anybody, but of the way you will probably never get to feel what it's like to have the person you've been through so much with stay after falling in love, even if it was in the cruelest way.

"Yeah, why?" Peter smiled. He could still feel the irregularity in the pattern of your heart beat so he decided that the best he could do was smile. He absolutely didn't want himself to be the cause of your discomfort. Not after everything you’ve been through.

There’s a pause in the air. It’s as if the world around you stopped spinning. Some unsettling feeling settled in the pit of your stomach and you knew that you were smart enough to walk away but the boy in front of you was quickly pulling you in.

Also, you like to think you had average vision. Your eyesight wasn't perfect considering the fact that you have to use reading glasses when necessary. But from where you were sitting, you could see the prominent freckles littering Peter's cheeks and nose bridge. They almost mimicked constellations, or starlight.

The pink hue starting to overlap with the freckles snapped you out of your reverie. Your cheeks felt warm too.

Maybe his spidey senses weren't the only thing he needs to control around you, Peter thought. How many times has he blushed today?

"Cool! Uhm.. I was thinking," You said, softly. You used a fork to play with your food to serve as distraction. "I was thinking of re-joining decathlon. If you'll have me."

With the way you whispered it, anybody else would've missed the words, but not Peter. Never Peter.

"That's great! Of course we will!" His grin is very infectious. "There's try outs next week and because of the rules, you have to go through that, but are you kidding me? You're Y/N! Nothing but the best!"

You nearly cry at his words. But instead of succumbing to tears, you opt for copying Peter Parker's adorable smile. The upturned muscles in your cheeks made you forget what date it was today.

The sound of train tracks suddenly echoed in the cafeteria and broke your eye contact with Peter.

Even in the big wide city, no noise could compare to how lovely the laughter you let out sounded. Peter had this sure feeling rising within him. If a staring contest was what he needed to hear that again and again, then so be it.

But maybe it wasn’t a staring contest that would bring you two together, but rather the mischievous smirk on Ned Leeds’ face when he took a screenshot of your instagram story post followed by him opening an editing app.

+

A/N: Hope you’ll like this chapter!! Also, if you want to see what the application form looks like check it out here. I was inspired by that post to create an entire fic series haha

taglist: (if you want to be added, send an ask/message! x) @woahmrstark @elios-timotea @decadentwastelandtrash @paulaabellag @givebuckyhisplumsnow @love-you-to-saturn

[wordsablaze]

#15: Bullies and Battles

Match of Magic What if destiny chose soulmates through literal aesthetic matches? What if education fused with impossibility and reality faded away? Dan and Phil must unite, work together and help each other live the best of all the worlds they can…

(Phil POV)

“Bye, Dad.” I smile faintly as I offer him a wave, earning nothing but a small grunt in response.

I sigh, slinging my bag over my shoulder and catching the flash of hurt in Dylan’s angry expression as he looks to Dad, radiating disappointment.

I nudge him as he puts an arm around my shoulder, shaking my head at him, “S'okay.”

“Philly, it’s really not. You know he loves us, really.”

I frown but concede, having heard him and the others repeatedly tell me that for the past sixteen years. He smiles, this time not ruffling my hair but awkwardly half patting it in a true brotherly manner as he saunters back to the kitchen. I smile and go to fix my glasses but my hands meet only air as it dawns on me that I have contacts in today.

Silently shaking my head, I chide myself, grab my coat and walk through the shadows until I get to the bus stop, taking a slight detour to avoid the usual morning gang that never seems to sleep. Perhaps they’re all vampires so they sleep when I don’t see so they can fool the world into thinking they’re invincible.

Oh, who’s a vampire?

Not confirmed yet.

The game is on.

I smile at Dan’s instant replies, knowing that he was probably in the middle of something. Even though I can always sense Dan, we can’t always thought talk to each other, which is probably best. I rub my eyes again as I wait for the bus, having stayed up a little too late to finish editing one of my new I lean against the dilapidated bus stop.

I see Evan and David coming up; I groan, trying to slink backwards but almost fall in my attempt, having to flail for equilibrium and accidentally catching their attention.

Evan scoffs as he and David approach me, “Still in the posh school?”

I stay silent as David laughs, “You don’t belong here.”

I only shrug slightly so Evan frowns, “You’re not expecting a match to appear, are you?”

“Oh, come on, who’d want to be matched to you?” David sneers.

Deciding not to mention Dan or the multitudes of subscribers who probably wouldn’t find it extreme torture to be stuck with me, not that they can anymore, I just bite my lip and shrug again, staying motionless as the two of them saunter ahead. Only a few other people gather before the bus comes, none of them doing anything beyond a brief smile as they pass me.

I grab a seat in the middle of the bus, hoping to go unnoticed in the centre as if hiding in eye of a hurricane. I don’t pay attention to the other students as I listen to ‘We The Kings’, leaning my head against the window.

That is, until the bus stops, I feel the unmistakable pull of my other half and I know Dan’s getting on. It’s as if a sensor in front of me has warmed up, as if a small candle inside me has been lit ablaze to illuminate him, as if soft neon lights have suddenly been triggered within me. He gets on with three other people but doesn’t hesitate to doubtlessly flop down beside me, grinning. I laugh as I notice he has the most adorable half-smile dimples.

He nudges me and I beam back at him, “Hi!”

Dimples!

Shut up.

He blushes slightly, “Hello.”

“You seem flustered, what’s wrong?” I inquire.

“Nothing, it’s just…” he trails off, glancing at the other people on the bus. I smile knowingly.

Dan?

I’m actually sat next to you! Literally right next to you! To you!

I’d hope so, or else this would be REALLY awkward.

He laughs, his dimples re-appearing in place of his previous frown. Suddenly, the girl on the seat behind us jumps up, both of us whirling around in shock and inquiry. Dan groans as he sees who it is, obviously recognising her.

“Ellie, stop.” he practically whines, glaring at her in the typical sibling style; she must be his sister.

“Uh, nice to meet you?” I pause, “Also known as Ellie-phant by any chance?”

Her eyes light up and Dan looks at me with something akin to awe, relief and shock.

Ellie nods, “Yeah, that’s amazing of you.” she grins as her eyes flash brightly for a moment.

Dan whacks her arm and ducks his head before sheepishly grinning at me, “Ellie’s my sister.”

“And a Youtuber?” I ask, knowing the answer.

Ellie nods, “Don’t worry, I was just checking up on my little bro. Honestly, I think he might have some kind of mild agoraphobia.”

“Ell!” Dan glares at her a little more seriously this time so she shrugs and properly sits back into her seat.

Dan coughs and turns to me, “I don’t exactly have agoraphobia, I simply respect personal space and don’t really enjoy too much forced socialising.”

“I know, right? I always end up in some kind of weird situation or something.” I laugh, half wondering if he’s ever seen my videos or if only his sister has.

He smiles widely and gestures to my phone, “What’re you listening to?”

“We The Kings, have you ever heard of them?”

He nods enthusiastically, “A little, I found out 'bout them a couple years ago. Can I listen?” he asks so I hand him the right earbud, playing the music again.

Both of us jump as it resumes halfway into a sudden note but enjoy the rest of it, our shoulders connected without us trying. His head falls against my shoulder so I smile and lean more towards him, hoping that he’s comfortable. We have to end the song halfway through a sentence, both of us laughing as it ends awkwardly.

Someone crashes into Dan as we get off, making him yelp and crash into me. I stumble but grab his shoulders to make sure he doesn’t fall and break his nose or something.

Dan? Are you okay?

Fine, thanks Phil.

“Oi, watch It.” the other boy leers, glaring at Dan.

I can’t help but frown, “You crashed into him, in case you missed that.”

Dan looks at me gratefully but shakes his head.

That’s Ian. Ignore him.

I would have, but Ian gasps like a fish, glancing between the two of us, “You’re not serious?”

And so Captain Obvious finally saw what was in front of him.

Well, he seems fishy.

Dan stifles his laugh; I chuckle quietly and pull Dan away with me, leaving fishy Ian to piece the world’s easiest deduction together.

He and I wait together for the doors to unlock and he coughs, “So, lunch?” “The swings?” I ask immediately, knowing that there won’t be anyone there. I wonder they kept that swing set; it’s not like secondary school has playtime.

Dan nods, “Yeah, that’d be perfect.”

It won’t be perfect until you get there.

Dan elbows me, badly disguising his blush and rolling his eyes as the doors open and hundreds of students swarm inside like an academic hive mind. We split off as he heads to his registration room and I head to mine, both of us still grinning at each other.

Thanks.

I smile, and his presence inside me lessens a little like something stepping behind a transparent curtain so you can’t directly touch it but nothing can stop you seeing it anyway. It’s honestly a relieving feeling to simply know he’s alive so I just fiddle with my hands as I make my way to the registration room.

I’ve only taken about twenty steps before a cold voice sounds, “What’s all the nonsense about you being matched?”

I start, stifling my yelp as Ken appears in front of me. His name is perhaps the most irksomely apt as he looks like a freaking Ken doll with blonde hair gelled back and painfully bright blue eyes. He raises an eyebrow as I shrug, then steps forwards so that I have to step back instinctively.

“You’re not serious?” he low key growls.

I nod, “I…I have. Matched, that is. I have a match.”

As I try and stumble over the words falling from my mouth, Ken fumes with himself for a moment before his face becomes stony and he shoves my shoulders once, “You’re not making it up?”

I shake my head, avoiding his gaze as he steps back in frustration. When I look back up, there’s something despondently sharp in his eyes, something I haven’t seen before, and I frown in confusion but he doesn’t give me enough time to recognise it.

I wonder if he has a reason to badger everyone about their matches. As far as I can remember, he’s been asking about them, as if he fears for his own but finds consolation in the idea that many other people haven’t been matched yet. Maybe looking like a Ken Doll is pressuring?

Any sympathy I’ve built for him is washed away when he shoves me backwards and I slam into the locker, the lock digging into my back.

I frown and rub it awkwardly as danger flashes red in his eyes before he calms down enough for blue to flood back into his eyes.

I blink, not believing I saw that.

Since when do his eye colours change? Or any eye colours? And since when have I been able to identify emotions from colours? I make myself a note to watch for anybody else’s eyes as well, so I can see if it was just a lack of sleep causing me to imagine things or if it’s something I seem to have missed all my life.

Ken steps on my foot, harshly bringing me back into the corridor and out of my thoughts. I give him a neutral look but he rolls his eyes.

Ken scowls, “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you meet yours before I met mine? I’m literally perfect and you're…a catastrophe.”

“I’m not a catastrophe.” I argue, trying to think of reasons to fire back.

Phil? Who said you’re a catastrophe?

I hadn’t realised I’d shared those thoughts with Dan; my eyes widen.

Just Ken.

Who the hell is Ken?

Another guy like Mr Fishy.

Mr Fishy? Oh my god, you mean Ian? That’s the best code name ever, we should totally use it. But are you okay? I promise you’re not a catastrophe, you’re literally the most brilliant person…

Thanks Dan.

Screw Ken! See you soon Phil.

Dan’s sudden, unhesitating defence makes me smile so I dismiss the catastrophic thoughts whirling in my head and thank the heavens for whatever the whole thought-talking deal actually is. Thought talk…

I like that. I think I’m going to call it that from now on.

Huh?

Thought-talking. Thought talk sounds more believable than something as cringe as telepathy.

“Earth to Glitch!” Ken snaps and I blink, having forgotten that he was in front of me for a moment.

I didn’t know you heard that. Okay, good call. Thought talk it is. To be continued…

See you soon, Phil.

I hope so.

I hope so more.

“Glitch?!” I hear Harry exclaim behind me, “How dare you call him that!”

Once again, I’m pulled out of my thoughts by someone else talking. Dan and I both seem to mutually agree we can talk - or thought talk - later so I minutely shake my head, tuning my attention back to Harry and Laia, both of them currently glowering at Ken.

“Phil might not do anything but, I swear to you, if you call him a glitch once more…” Laia hisses.

“You’ll what? You’re just puny girls.” Ken laughs.

“What have you got against girls?” Rosie demands as she arrives, her hands on her hips and her eyes narrowed.

Ken turns to and glares at me but I simply shrug, “Your match might be a girl; you should be more open minded.”

“You’re a girl.” He mutters darkly, then turns and storms towards our classroom.

We all laugh, Michael and George appearing as we recover from hysteria, “What is happening?”

“K-Ken.” Laia explains between giggles.

“Can you believe he attempted to insult Phil by calling him a girl?” Rosie asks, then sobers, “Wait, do you guys find that offensive? Is that how you think?”

“No.” Michael shakes his head, “Not us, at least.”

“Is anyone up for a detention?” Harry asks.

“Harry, no.” I interrupt before she can expand on that potentially awful idea.

“Why? What did Ken say?” George asks.

“He called them puny.” I answer, giving Laia a look.

She sighs and shakes her head, “No, Phil, we all know what he said. There’s no way we can have you thinking you’re a glitch.”

Michael’s so shocked that he seems to have a coughing fit bad enough for his eyes to start watering. Rosie smacks him between the shoulder blades, sighing in relief as he takes a deep breath and grins, “Sorry, I swallowed the hallway wrong.”

“A glitch? Alright, seems like I have a free hour after school.” Sandra announces, silently having joined us as Harry offered a detention.

I groan but Laia smiles, “If Harry goes down, I’m falling with her.”

“For her, more like.” I murmur.

Sandra nods and impressively manages to roll her eyes at the same time, “Too right.”

“Seriously?” Harry rolls her eyes at us but George whacks her with his P.E kit.

“It’s true.” he confirms.

Harry and Laia exchange a glance, then admit defeat, sighing.

Sandra grins, “So, just the three of us?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Rosie holds her hand up, “No way I’m not coming.”

“Rosie, we’re making the video tonight.” I remind her.

“Damn.” she scowls, “Alright, fine. Michael will go for me.”

“Hell, yeah.” Michael smirks, probably already planning to use his martial arts skill set.

George groans as we decide we should probably actually go inside and get registered, “I can’t come!”

“Why not?” Sandra asks, then it dawns on her, “Oh, the basketball thing.”

“Guys, it’s okay.” I say, shaking my head at my ridiculous group of friends. I hold my hands up in apologetic surrender as I receive six identical glares of obvious exasperation.

“Wait, George, you can’t come?” Harry interrupts, something dawning on her as she constructs her plan. He shakes his head and causes the girls to share an undecipherable look before Rosie shakes her head at them and turns to me apologetically.

I already know what she’s going to say, and I think she knows that, but she says it anyway, “Sorry Phil, I have to avenge this. Just make a different video for tonight and I promise you - I solemnly swear to you - that I’ll make it for the next one.”

If she did for some reason expect me to be annoyed, she remains disappointed.

I just smile, “Okay. That’s fine, it’s not a big deal. You don’t have to do this, you know that, right?”

“I know. If it makes you feel better, I’ll do it to ease my own selfish consciousness.” Rosie suggests.

“And to spend time with me.” Michael laughs, winking.

I smile at them and shrug, knowing that once the two of them are joined, they won’t separate for as long as they can.

Like Dan and me.

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