#bro I’m so desperate for money like it’s been stressing me out all month

[galariangengar]

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[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Take Your Father to Work Day (S2, E4)

As many people have said: This is one of the STRONGEST Prodigal Son episodes to date. It was incredible. My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. 

I reference Malcolm’s mental health and sexual violence in this one. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:16 - OMG. Destiny’s Child. Whoever is in charge of the soundtrack for this show needs a raise. Or an award. It’s SOO GOOD.

0:18 - How great is this montage of Martin’s prison life too? I mean the insane mundanity of it combined with “Survivor” and Michael Sheen’s incredible acting is some perfect mix between hilarious, captivating, and just brilliant. 

1:06 - I feel so bad for Mr.David. He has to deal with Martin’s theatrics every day. Poor guy looks done in this episode.

1:35 - CAN HECTOR BECOME A BIGGER CHARACTER?! PLEASE. He’s hilarious and I love him. “Bro. You got your ass jumped at Sunday School.”

2:09 - Wait. What? Jerry’s getting released?!? I mean, I understand that he’s no longer in need of psychiatric care......but he still killed someone. Shouldn’t he just be getting transferred to a different prison?

2:25 - Does Jerry have a death wish?!?! He’s talking about being released in a room full of jealous murderers. Everyone looks sooooo pissed at Jerry. 

2:54 - Martin is such a liar. However - Michael Sheen’s performance is astoundingly good. Like he shines brighter than usual in this episode. 

 3:17 - Poor Malcolm. “What’s going on?” Poor boy looks terrified. 

3:23 - I love everything about this scene. I love how freaked out Malcolm is. I love you extra Jessica is. BUT HANS. Holy shit. I want Hans in every episode. He’s crazy in a good way and such a beautiful comedic relief. 

3:30 - OMG.  “Skinny milennial” might be the best thing anyone has ever called Malcolm. Someone please tell JT and Dani - hell, even Gil. They would tease him forever and I want to see it. 

3:45 - 1) Malcolm is a terrible liar. 2) Jessica knows he’s lying. 3) This story about the wine is interesting. I wonder when and how Malcolm first told Jessica the story. Was it the same night? AND HOW DID ENDICOTT’S BODY END UP IN ESTONIA?!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THAT NIGHT. 

3:54 - “Ainsley and I came back from the hospital after Gil’s stabbing.”....we never saw Ainsley at the hospital. Was she there and left before Malcolm got there? Or is this a plot hole I need to ignore?

4:05 - The way that the flashbacks of Endicott’s murder is spliced into this scene with Malcolm’s cover story is so perfectly executed. It’s so captivating and so so well done.

4:14 - Malcolm’s eyes look quite manic during the retelling of this story. Poor guy is desperate to have everyone believe the story. Poor guy probably wants to convince himself that the story is true. 

4:16 - Wait. What? Ainsley has always been clumsy? .....interesting. I’ve seen no evidence of it but I’ll believe it for the sake of the plot. 

4:23 - “At least one of you has a soul.” Holy shit.  hahaha Hans is brutal. I love him so much. I also love how this line makes me, as a viewer, think “does that mean the writers want me to think that Ainsley doesn’t have a soul?” ...or more likely that she doesn’t feel emotion (which can be interpreted as a lack of a soul). That she’s a psychopath like Martin?

4:27 - OMG. Jessica loves Hans. He speaks to her dramatic rich woman soul. So entertaining. 

4:30 - Poor. Malcolm. This boy is always in some sort of emotional turmoil. For once I wish he was happy (but also I love the emotional whump so if that could continue that would be great). 

4:44 - “It’s so much more than that.” *chef’s kiss* comedic genius.  I would watch a whole episode of Mr.David making fun of Martin. But can we all just take a minute to appreciate that Martin doesn’t seem bothered at all that Mr.David is basically verbally telling him that he sucks? It’s almost like Martin thinks they’re friends?

4:50 - Martin is strangely chill talking to Mr.David in this scene. It’s a little off-putting. He almost seems normal. He’s not putting on his usual theatrics or ranting about doctor stuff. It makes you wonder how many different sides of Martin that Mr.David has witnessed. 

5:01 - “Oh no. Not Jerry.” LMAO. HOLY SHIT. Michael Sheen needs an Emmy. His delivery of that line might be the funniest thing this show has ever given us. hahahahaha

5:29 - Damn. This is not Gil’s month. First Jessica dumps him. Then he has to deal with Martin Whitly in the flesh. That plus the on-going drama of worrying about Malcolm’s mental health and the stress of reintegrating into work after a STAB WOUND.

5:31 - Gil’s face. hahahahaha he’s like, “Kill me. This can’t be happening. I hate everything. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.”

5:37 - “Yeah. Why’d you do it?” GIL. OMG. I’m so proud of Gil for dissing Martin to his face. BUT ALSO I worry that that’s going to give Martin more of a reason to hate Gil. I’m genuinely scared that the writers have Martin escaping as the pre-finale episode and Martin trying to kill Gil as the finale. Maybe Gil shows up trying to save Malcolm, AInsley, and Jessica (whom Martin is trying to abduct or hurt or something) idk I just feel like it’s going to be a likely subplot somewhere. I don’t want an attempt on Gil’s life to become a season finale tradition. 

5:56 - Ew. “Gilly” That is a terrible nickname. I think I threw up a little. 

6:00 - Damn. I love this scene. I could watch Martin and Gil pretending to be civil to each other for years. So entertaining. 

6:29 - hahahahaha OMG. Gil’s reaction to Martin saying, “Thank you” PLUS Edrisa’s sudden excitement at realizing she’s 10 ft away from Malcolm’s Dad - a medical legend, is magical.

6:35 - Not gonna lie. When Edrisa said, “Ok. I’m gonna play it cool.” I had to pause my TV and walk away to calm down. I was experiencing a mixture of second hand embarrassment for Edrisa’s inevitable behaviour, excitement for what is to come, and fear that Martin would be a jerk to our precious Edrisa. 

6:44 - Edrisa and Martin interacting was everything I’d hoped. It was strange, funny, sweet, and disturbing at the same time. The sweet, eccentric girl who attends cuddle parties is getting buddy-buddy with a literal serial killer. Hilarious. Even better is Gil’s background reactions as he desperately tries to keep Edrisa away from the psychopath. hahaha <3 

7:12 - Gil is currently living in a nightmare. hahahahaha 

7:47 - I love this. I love how Malcolm and Ainsley interact. Malcolm is such a good big brother. IDK something about these two adult siblings chilling on a couch and warning each other about Mom’s current rampage reminds me of myself and my younger brother. <3 Warms my cold dead heart. <3 PLUS has anyone else noticed that (as long as Ainsley isn’t hounding Malcolm about a story or airing out his mental health diagnoses like the bs from Q&A) Malcolm is extremely calm around Ainsley. Like maybe the calmest we’ve ever seen him?

8:20 - “Oh Ainsley, that’s a horrible idea.” This is adorable. Malcolm is totally acting like Ainsley’s surrogate dad. He’s trying so hard to protect her. <3 

8:42 - There’s something about the way that Malcolm says, “Hey Gil” that makes my heart swell. Idk why. I just their father/son relationship. So much. And it makes me so happy to see Malcolm having semi-normal interactions with people in general. 

8:48 - This. Is. The. Funniest. Episode. Of. Prodigal. Son. To. Date. Holy shit. The comical dread on Malcolm’s face. Martin’s glee on the phone. Gil’s general “done with life” body language. Ainsley’s utter joy at her luck. MALCOLM DRAINING THE ALKA-SELTZER. Ainsley saying “chug chug”. So perfect. 

9:27 - Is it just me or has Jessica been showing way more concern for her children’s well-being this season? At first I thought it was because she was so happy with Gil....but that’s not a thing anymore (because Jessica is a MORON - seriously if this show gets cancelled before Gil and Jessica are living happily ever after I will riot) so now Idk. 

10:02 - EDRISA WHY DID YOU NOT TELL GIL AND MALCOLM THAT THE SURGEON WAS ON THE PHONE?!? For a hot second, poor Malcolm looks like he thinks he’s hallucinating. 

10:40 - Gil hanging up on Martin and then telling Edrisa that she needs to make new friends is everything. It’s vicious. Gil looks absolutely furious in this scene and I love it. 

11:07 - Yo. Edrisa’s got some baggage. hahaha Malcolm looks soooo uncomfortable with her outburst.

11:18 - I would pay good money to watch Martin and Gil have a pissing match in front of Malcolm every episode. It’s amazing. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other. The tension is palatable. And someone Malcolm is the only one acting like a mature, working adult. Malcolm. My mentally unstable, skinny millennial. 

11:34 - OH SHIT. Martin did not just bring Jessica into this. Oh SNAP. Does Martin know that Jessica dumped Gil?!? 

11:56 - “I’m going to need a little more than that.” Damn. Malcolm looks pissed here. Pretty sure he hates that Martin just brought up Gil/Jessica. Malcolm’s bio-dad and real dad are fighting and it’s very clear that Malcolm is on Gil’s side.

12:17 - The look that Gil and Malcolm share here is perfect. I love it so much. You can see how annoyed they both are, how much they hate that they need Martin on this case, how much neither of them want Martin’s help. <3 

12:23 - SOMEONE GIVE GIL A MEDAL. This man just grit his teeth, smiled, and let MARTIN WHITLY - the man who tried to KILL HIM work on his case. Why? Because Malcolm silently asked him to. Because Gil loves Malcolm and knows that it’s better for Martin to work with them officially than for Malcolm to work with Martin in secret. At least this way he can look out for Malcolm. 

12:42 - “It’s taken Dr. Marsh years...” soooo was Dr. Marsh the name of the Asian doctor leading group therapy last season? Is this just a new actor, same character scenario? OR am I supposed to forget that Asian doctor existed last season? 

13:04 - I can’t tell if Gil hates this whole “father-son in group therapy idea”. He looks kind of like he hates it (although he is looking at Martin in the shot). I’m inclined to think that Gil is worried. He doesn’t like how nice Martin is acting toward Malcolm. He doesn’t want Malcolm to get hurt again. BUT I also think there’s probably a part of Gil that thinks group therapy might be beneficial for Malcolm’s mental health? I mean it was only ever going to be terrible or amazing. Nothing in between. 

13:12 - “They hate you don’t they?” GIL BRINGING THE FIRE. hahahaha angry Gil is really funny.

13:43 - OH HELL YES. More Hector. <3

13:46 - hahaha YES. Hector this is Malcolm - the son. You know, the one you had to role-play? hahaha I feel like Hector is a really cool dude (aside from the murder). 

13:53 - Damn. Hector pays attention in group. He has a lot of info about Malcolm. I would’ve thought the other inmates would just tune Martin out when he starts his monologues. 

13:59 - “He’s got a thing with hands?” hahahaha OMG. How did I never connect the hand thing. DOES Malcolm have a thing with hands? ....I kind of want that to be cannon?

14:00 - “You’re crazier than me.”  Ouch. That must’ve hurt. Think about it - Malcolm is ridden with guilt about Endicott. He’s haunted by what he experienced as a kid and by what his father is. Malcolm believes he’s broken beyond repair. On some level Malcolm thinks he’s crazy. Now a literal killer just told him he’s crazy. That just affirms what Malcolm already believes about himself. :( PLUS right after Hector tells Malcolm that he’s crazy - the camera pans to Martin. MARTIN looks scared. Martin is losing control of the situation and he doesn’t like it. Martin knows on some level that he ruined Malcolm’s mental health. He almost looks a little guilty?

14:31 - FINALLY. We have a cannon occurrence of someone calling Malcolm “Mal” (or “Malc” if you’re going by HULU’s subtitles?). I hope the writers start having people call Malcolm by Mal/Malc more often. 

14:35 - I can’t ignore it anymore.  DID HECTOR HAVE THAT SCAR ON HIS FACE LAST SEASON?!? I DON’T REMEMBER IT. 

14:38 - YES YES. Malcolm looks angry. I LOVE IT. Scream at him Malcolm! Give him hell!

15:03 - Yikes. Malcolm sounds like he’s about to cry here. :( My heart breaks for him. .....I wonder if this is the first time Martin has ever heard how much pain he caused Malcolm straight from Malcolm? Martin looks hella uncomfortable here. 

15:25 - The inmates (literal murderers) empathizing with Malcolm is twisted, beautiful, and haunting. These guys understand how much it sucks to hang out with Martin. These guys can see the real pain in Malcolm’s expression. They know he isn’t lying. Part of me honestly wonders if one of them is going to try and hurt Martin for Malcolm. They looked pissed enough by the end of the conversation that I kind of believe they might. 

16:00 - Malcolm is not acting here. For once he’s not projecting his problems onto potential suspects. He’s just venting to suspects. No pretence. I love it. BUT 100% of me wants to know where Gil is during this session. Is Gil listening? Is the session being recorded for evidence? There’s no way Gil (or Dani) wouldn’t confront Malcolm about this. Even if they just asked him if he’s okay. 

16:10 - hahahaha look at Doctor Marsh. He’s like “ooookkkkkaaaayyyy. I’m a psychiatrist in a psychiatric facility for people who have committed violent crimes. BUT THIS IS THE NUTTIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.”

16:12 - Look at the way Martin narrows his eyes. He’s trying to figure out if Malcolm is acting. He’s finally realizing that Malcolm truly hates what Martin subjected him to as a child. I honestly think this interaction will cause Martin to shift his “become a murderer like me” agenda from Malcolm to Ainsley. He’s finally seen the depth of Malcolm’s hatred and pain and knows deep down that Malcolm will never turn into a serial killer. But there’s still hope for Ainsley. That’s not to say that Martin won’t stop gaslighting Malcolm - he totally will.

17:10 - Martin has been at Claremont for 20 YEARS. How is it that he didn’t know a gold card existed?!?

17:21 - I honestly thought Marsh was going to get shanked. For the gold card. No other reason. 

18:07 - It’s not supposed to be funny but Burt freaking out and punching Marsh is HYSTERICAL. hahahahaha

18:10 - That guard who pushed Malcolm out of the room and into a safe area? He’s in my good books. Every time I watch him push Malcolm to safety I want to give him a hug. Just for doing his job. What the hell is wrong with me?!?

18:18 - UGH. I hate that creepy, satisfied look that Martin gives Malcolm. It’s the same look he gave baby Malcolm in the pilot. It’s the “we’re the same” look and it clearly bothers Malcolm. :( 

18:26 - Oh look. 18 minutes into the episode and we finally have a Dani appearance!! annnnnnd no mention of JT. I mean, I get it. He’s on paternity leave. I’m happy for him. BUT TWO EPISODES WITHOUT A JT APPEARANCE IS TORTURE. At least give me a throw away line about how happy JT is or about the baby!?? Honestly - it’s my biggest gripe with this episode. 

18:56 - soooo either Dr. Marsh is a terrible psychiatrist OR you can’t “cure” murderers. 

19:08 - The NYPD knows that Martin cured Jerry?!? HOW? Did Mr. David get Martin to admit to shocking him? Did Mr. David tell the police?!? I don’t remember Martin telling Malcolm. I specifically remember Malcolm saying, “I don’t want to know”

20:02 - Damn. I want Ainsley to go dark so badly. I want to see how badly it would destroy Malcolm and Jessica. I am evil. 

20:52 - Malcolm’s burgundy jacket is gorgeous. That is all.

21:10 - Malcolm knows that Martin wants to escape. This is good. I love this. 

21:55 - THERE’S A WOMENS WARD?!? REVOLUTIONARY INFORMATION. I THOUGHT THEY HAD A SEPARATE HOSPITAL. 

22:00 - Oh wow. Finally - a perk to gender inequality. 

22:52 - This Brightwell scene is so cute. I love watching Malcolm be excited about solving the crime. I love watching Dani gently tease him about how weird he is. I love watching them subtly flirt. Is Malcolm ready for another relationship - hell no. Do I think Dani has forgiven him - not totally. If they got together now it would end badly. But I do want them to be endgame. 

23:11 - Andre is really suspicious throughout this whole scene. I’m convinced that if Dani and Malcolm weren’t too busy flirting Andre would’ve become a suspect really fast. 

23:15 - Why do people get released from psychiatric prisons?!? This is a genuine question. I would’ve thought that everyone in Claremont has committed some seriously heinous crimes and only a very small portion of them are actually sick. The rest of them just pleaded insanity and had good lawyers. But even if they are/were sick. I don’t think the types of mental illnesses that drive people to murder and/or rape is something that can be cured.  Sooo why are they getting released? I guess I just wonder because there’s this guy that’s been in my local news on and off for like 10+ years. He’s molested/raped many young women between the ages of about 16-25. He’s been arrested and released multiple times. He keeps getting released to different major cities in my province (usually a city with a big University) and reoffends within 6 months of being released. Most recently he was arrested last month after being released in October 2020. Clearly he’s going to keep reoffending - so why does he keep getting released? I guess I just don’t understand what the criteria are that allow an inmate who has committed that sort of crime to be released. Here’s a link to one of the more recent news stories if you’re interested: https://vancouverisland.ctvnews.ca/police-warn-of-high-risk-sex-offender-moving-to-victoria-1.5149264

23:23 - hahaha Andre is like, “Yo. This dude is freaky.”

24:15 - Look at how proud Malcolm is of his whole “lobster = murderer” profile. <3 So freaking precious. <3 and Dani looks so amused with him.  <3

24:37 - Sooooo Mr. David isn’t listening to this conversation? He left the room?

24:40 - Jessica going to Martin for parenting help is terrifying. This is a woman in crisis. 

25:20 - But Jessica was right to be paranoid in 97′. She wasn’t being cheated on romantically but her husband was murdering people. 

25:24 - Martin is so selling his kids out here. He knows it. He doesn’t care. He’s having too much fun torturing Jessica. He’s rejoicing at the fact that he gets to play the “I turned the kids to the dark side” card. 

26:40 - Poor Jessica. She looks suspicious and scared. Scared that she raised a killer even though she tried desperately to prevent that very behaviour. 

26:56 - Damn. Martin is having a really good day. First he gets to annoy Gil Arroyo in the flesh. Then Edrisa talks medical with him. Then he gets to work with Malcolm. THEN his ex-wife calls him and he gets to toy with her mind. THEN his daughter, who has literally murdered someone comes to visit him. He is a proud Dad right here and he’s having an amazing day. 

28:00 - Rhonda is terrifying. This girl has perfected the “I’m sweet and unthreatening” while lying and manipulating people. I swear she’s a teenage Queen B personality with a side of violence. 

28:30 - I love how protective Malcolm is of Ainsley. Look how positively livid he is that Marin is talking to her. Malcolm is terrified that Martin is going to purposefully and successfully turn Ainsley into a serial killer. Malcolm doesn’t want to lose his sister. He doesn’t want Jessica to lose her ‘stable’ child.

29:09 - This scares me. This is the kind of Ainsley behaviour from last season that made me believe she is the Whitly child most like Martin. Her ruthlessness and lack of a conscience when it comes to looking for a news story is extremely upsetting. 

30:11 - What the hell happened to Tevin? AND WATKINS?!? We got no closure on those guys. Are they dead? In prison? Is Tevin still in Claremont? Were they transferred to facilities outside of New York State?

30:28 - Malcolm yelling at Martin is perfect. *chef’s kiss* Finally this boy is being honest with his father and he isn’t holding back. 

30:40 - Michael Sheen is an incredible actor. This is an Emmy worthy scene. By Sheen AND Payne.

30:48 - I love how you can see Mr. David just chilling. Sitting outside the door and staring across the hall during this scene. It’s just....can’t he hear the screaming?!? Is he just like, “I can’t take anymore of this today. Not my circus and not my monkeys.”

30:55 - Soooooo this is Martin showing his true colours. There’s definitely a part of Martin that hates Malcolm. I honestly wonder if that part of Martin actively tries/tried to emotionally torture Malcolm now and throughout his childhood. 

31:00 - “And your mother. And you ruined HeR!!!”....does this mean Martin was trying to make Ainsley a serial killer? Maybe after the camping trip when he realized Malcolm was too “weak” to kill anyone? Is this Martin saying that Ainsley is ruined because she didn’t become a serial killer? Or that Ainsley is ruined because she killed Endicott?

31:05 - “But that’s not me.” hahaha OMG. Michael Sheen just flipped between two personalities like nobody’s business. Respect.

31:08 - Martin’s outburst hurt Malcolm. Badly. You can see it all over his face. Even now, when Malcolm is being strong and showing some backbone to Martin, Martin can wound Malcolm with a single phrase. :( 

31:41 - soooo where has Gil been for the past 10 minutes of this episode?

32:02 - Sooooo did Andre kill Jerry for Rhonda? Or did he just know about the murder and keep quiet for Rhonda? Or is his oblivious to the fact that Rhonda killed Jerry? I’m honestly confused here. 

32:20 - Holy shit. Rhonda is crazy. Andre is dead now. Right?

32:48 - Wait. Why did Andre have a gold card? Mr. David only has red. What kind of qualifications does a guard need to get a gold card vs blue, green, or red?!?!

32:55 - Claremont isn’t a punishment for Martin. Solitary is. Martin should live in solitary. He deserves to suffer for his crimes (and the ongoing torture of his son). 

33:05 - How messed up is it that Mr. David’s job is to protect a serial killer? I don’t think I’m brave enough to do something like that. I also don’t know if I could do that for moral reasons. 

33:14 - Damn. That elevator looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed. It’s sooo much nastier than the hallway outside of the elevator. 

33:50 - Sooo does this mean Martin is eventually going to try and murder someone down here?

33:54 - HE CALLED FOR BACKUP <3 <3 <3 OUR BOY IS GROWING UP AND I’M SO PROUD. <3 

35:40 - FINALLY SOME MALCOLM WHUMP. <3 THIS SEASON HAS BEEN LACKING IT. 

36:00 - This is really interesting to me. I honestly wonder if Martin has some sort of split personality disorder (personality #1: murderous, selfish, psychopath; personality #2: loving, concerned father and lawful doctor). You can see how desperately he wants to escape. But also how much he loves his son. I honestly thought he was going to leave Malcolm to die. 

36:06 - Ugh. Look at his whumped face. <3 <3 <3 ....one thing that I couldn’t stop thinking during all the tazing (which was amazing FYI, I’m not complaining) is this: in QxA (1x07) Mr. David says that he only has a single shot tazer. Why did Andre have a multi-shot tazer? Is this a gold card vs red card thing?

36:40 - WHY THE EFF DOES BACKUP NOT INCLUDE GIL?!?! I KNOW HE’S STILL IN THE BUILDING. 

37:03 - MARTIN, IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON DANI’S HEAD I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU MYSELF. He honestly looks like he wants to murder her. 

37:50 - Martin’s speech is not going to help Malcolm’s mental state. At all. 

38:31 - No. No. No. Martin you do NOT get to talk to Dani on a first name basis. Look at how much Dani hates it. 

38:35 - I love how soft Malcolm looks as Martin lifts him up. Look at how Malcolm gently leans into the touch. It breaks my heart. After 20 years Malcolm is still comforted by physical contact with his father. :( 

38:37 - “Put your hands on me again Dr. Whitly, and I’ll blow your head off.” OH HELL YES. Dani is my hero. Iconic. Also - anyone else notice that Dani is chewing gum in this scene (I don’t think she’s chewed gum on camera since the pilot?) it makes her look like so much more of a badass in this scene. 

38:55 - Oh look. The rest of the backup finally showed up. Where were these assholes 5 minutes ago when DANI WAS ALONE? AND WHERE IS GIL?!?!

39:00 - Malcolm thanking Dani is so so precious. And the fact that he’s clearly struggling to breathe and stay conscious is giving me life. ALSO Dani saying, “YOU’re welcome.”?!? *chef’s kiss* :) :) <3

39:30 - So Malcolm definitely knows that Martin almost left him to die so that Martin could escape. 

39:33 - ......Ainsley is currently living with Jessica. Why is Ainsley not at the family dinner? We literally see her in the house in like 30 seconds. 

39:35 - Malcolm in a polo shirt. Malcolm in a polo shirt. Why is it so attractive?!? He looks like a baby cinnamon roll? <3 

39:51 - WHO THE EFF LET AINSLEY INTO THE MURDER BASEMENT?!? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT JESSICA DIDN’T RE-SEAL IT AFTER WATKINS?!?!

40:15 - Jessica desperately tearing apart the living room is heartbreaking. :(

40:29 - Question: Did Jessica send her staff home before she tore apart the living room? Because I can just imagine two of them staring into the living room from the hall like, “She’s finally snapped. Should we call someone?”

41:00 - Jessica is the queen of drama. HOLY SHIT. This reveal was so extra and so perfect. 

41:13 - “I killed him.” “You’re lying.” I love this interaction between Jessica and Malcolm. Malcolm has spent his whole life trying to convince people that he’s not a murderer. To protect Ainsley, his baby sister, he will say the words “I killed him”. Even though that is literally killing a part of Malcolm. Jessica knows it. I love that Jessica can see that Malcolm is lying. She’s not trying to convince herself that he’s innocent. She literally just accused him of murder. She’s scared. Because Malcolm just admitted to killing someone - his biggest fear - and it was a lie. 

41:35 - Watching Bellamy Young’s facial expression as Jessica realizes that Ainsley killed Endicott is a thing of beauty. This woman needs an Emmy too. HELL, CAN WE GIVE THIS WHOLE EPISODE AN EMMY?!?! 

42:00 - Poor Jessica. The guilt she must feel. She’s always thought that Malcolm was the one at risk of being a murderer. He’s a boy (they’re statistically more prone to violence than girls), he was older than Ainsley, he remembers terrible things, Malcolm had continued exposure to Martin throughout his childhood (Ainsley didn’t - I think?). But the child she neglected, the child she thought was safe, the child she thought remained free of Martin’s evil killed someone. It’s a plot-twist that just ripped Jessica’s heart into a million pieces. 

42:30 - Yep. I promise you Malcolm has been psychoanalyzing Ainsley’s past behaviours since the moment she killed Endicott. He’s found traits common to serial killers and he’s terrified that she’ll become one if she remembers what it felt like to kill Endicott. He’s probably kicking himself for not noticing sooner. He’s probably questioning his ability as a profiler and as a big brother. AND the fact that MALCOLM has to protect Jessica AND Ainsley is heartbreaking. It’s way too big a burden. No wonder Malcolm’s mental health is on a downward spiral. 

42:33 - This is the moment Jessica begins grieving for Ainsley. The fear, disbelief, and horror on her face. It’s torture that I can only describe as someone telling a mother that her daughter is dead. Because Ainsley is dead. The person Jessica believed Ainsley was - that little girl is dead. Because Jess just found out the truth. 

42:55 - Jessica is now terrified of her own daughter. That is maybe the most upsetting thing this show has given us. 

43:00 - I saw an interesting theory about how Ainsley is regressing back to her childhood (crawling into bed with Mom, moving back in with Mom) and I must say - that would be a really interesting way for this story to go. Ainsley regressing to a child-like state as she is convicted of murder. As a result she ends up in the women’s ward of Claremont because she can plead insanity. 

This episode was amazing. Seriously, one of the best Prodigal Son episodes to date. Definitely the best of season 2 so far. If you’ve read this far - thanks for hanging out. 

[chickwiththepurpleguitar]

If you're still taking prompts you should do some rebuke and hurt/comfort!!

Sorry this took so long, but luckily there's a lot of it!! Hope you enjoy!

This is part of my All Too Well Splinterverse series, so a direct sequel to something about it felt like home somehow, cause there we are again in the middle of the night, and so casually cruel in the name of being honest. It won't make much sense if you haven't read all three of those.

read on ao3 here!

--

Bobby gives it three days. Three days where he catches up on missing homework and takes his antibiotics and a lot of naps and feels like a terrible person. And then he calls Luke.

“I fucked up,” he says the second Mrs. Patterson passes over the phone, without so much as bothering to say hello.

“Whoa, uh, okay,” Luke says, and coughs a little awkwardly. “Did you cheat on me or something? Are we breaking up? Cause if we’re breaking up, you gotta at least give me twenty minutes to get over there; no way in hell am I letting you dump me over the phone.”

“No! What? No.” Bobby’s out in the studio for some privacy; he sits up on the couch and runs a hand through his hair, grips the cordless phone a little tighter. “This has nothing to do with you! I fucked up with Reggie.”

“Reggie?” Luke repeats. “Dude, what’d you do? Kick a puppy or something?”

Bobby lets out a sigh that’s really more of a groan. To be fair, he probably could’ve started this conversation with just a tiny bit of context. “ No. I just… I think I hurt his feelings.”

Luke’s quiet for a really long time, in that thoughtful, pensive way he usually only gets when he’s writing a song. It’s usually accompanied by a lot of bouncing and fidgeting, because Luke gets restless easily, and if he can’t expel energy through his mouth, he’s gotta let it out some other way or he’ll implode. It almost brings a smile to Bobby’s lips, just thinking about it. Finally, Luke says, “Can I come over?”

Despite himself, Bobby’s stomach flips at the question. He and Luke have talked almost every day in the last week or so, but they haven’t actually seen each other in person since Luke got out of the hospital. They’ve both been too sick, and then Luke’s been trying to stay home as much as he can, build some trust back up with his mom.

“I might be contagious still,” Bobby warns him, rubbing absently at his chest. “No fever since the day before yesterday, but I’ve still got this cough I can’t shake.”

Luke scoffs, like he knows just as well as Bobby how lame an excuse that is. “Bro, I’m pretty sure I can’t catch the cold I gave you. If you’re not ready, I get it, but… whatever happened with Reggie, I think it’d be easier if we talk face to face.”

Luke pauses, then adds, “Plus, you know… I really do want to see you.”

Bobby has to swallow past a piercing ray of sunshine shooting through his stomach. “I want to see you, too. Okay, come on over, just know my mom’s probably gonna fuss over you.”

“Yeah, well, the last time she saw me, I was unconscious and dying, so I can’t exactly blame her.”

A smile tugs at Bobby’s lips. He and Luke may have gotten together under the strangest circumstances— and “together” is still sort of a loose term; mostly, they’ve just made out a couple times and Luke gave Bobby bronchitis— but at least they have each other now. More than that, even— they both have their families back.

“Think your mom will be cool?” Bobby checks. “With you coming over, I mean? I know she’s been keeping you on kind of a tight leash. And I don’t think she likes me very much.”

“She’s barely met you,” Luke points out.

“Yeah, and the one time she did, she called me a kidnapper. And something in French that you refuse to translate.”

“Purely for your own good.” Luke’s teasing grin is audible, even over the phone. “Listen, Bobbers, that was an emotional day for us all, and Emily Patterson is hardly well-known for being calm and rational under stressful circumstances. But once I sat her down and explained everything to her, I think the ‘saved me from dying’ thing made up for the ‘hid me in your garage for two months’ thing. She likes you just fine.”

Bobby’s not entirely sure he believes him, but there’s no point in pushing it. “Well, if you need me to come over there instead, just let me know.” He starts to swing his legs off the couch, bending over to search for his shoes, but has to pause to cough into his elbow a few times, his chest twinging.

“Half an hour,” Luke insists. “And drink some tea while you wait for me, I don’t like that you’re still coughing.”

Bobby grumbles noncommittally, lays back down on the couch. “Just get over here, Patterson. I can’t deal with your mother henning over the phone.”

Luke breathes out a laugh, and it might just be the most beautiful sound Bobby’s ever heard. “Love you, too, baby.”

***

Luke hangs up the phone and immediately takes stock of himself.

The last week, living back at home with his mom and dad again, has not been nearly as bad as he thought it would be. Maybe he’s gotten more patient since running away from home. Maybe his parents have gotten a little more perspective. Maybe all three of them just needed a few months apart and a serious wake-up call to start seeing things through each other’s eyes.

Whatever the reason, Luke and his mom haven’t fought once since he moved back home, and his dad even told Luke he’d like to come to one of his shows once Sunset Curve starts playing again. They’ve had to establish a lot of new boundaries, the three of them, and quite a few ground rules— if Luke weren’t sick, he’d be in trouble, his mom said, but she thought his hospital stay and cracked ribs were punishment enough— but so far things have been good. And Luke would very much like to keep them that way.

So, he stands in front of the bathroom mirror and takes a deep breath, in through his nose and out through his mouth. The breath is free of congestion, doesn’t make him cough or hurt his ribs anymore. His face is a little red— purely just because talking to Bobby these days makes him blush like crazy— so he splashes some cool water on his face and waits until the flush fades from his cheeks before he heads out to the living room.

Emily’s sitting on the couch with her knitting, an old episode of The Brady Bunch playing low on the TV. She looks up and smiles when he enters, and Luke’s skin crawls a little. She gets this look on her face sometimes, when she looks at him now. Like she can’t believe how lucky she is. Like she still sort of expects to wake up and find she’s lost him. Again.

It makes Luke feel all sorts of guilty.

“Off the phone?” she asks him, a little redundantly, as he hands over the cordless. “How’s Robert?”

“Bobby’s feeling better,” Luke says honestly. He sticks his thumbs through his belt loops and rocks back and forth on his heels, standing awkwardly in front of the couch. “Can I go to his tonight? Something happened between him and Reggie, I was gonna help him out.”

Emily frowns, but doesn’t outright refuse, or accuse him of lying so that he can go out and play a club or something, like she might have three months ago. Maybe she really does trust him more now, or maybe she just likes Reggie enough to put aside her suspicions, but all she says is, “How are you feeling?”

Luke takes another slow breath, letting her hear how it doesn’t so much as catch in his throat. “No cough, no fever. Ribs only hurt when I get out of breath, but I’ll bike slowly, and we won’t be playing or anything. I’ll leave my guitars here, even.”

He sees it in his mom’s expression— the trust in him, the complete and utter belief she has that he’s telling her the truth. It’s something he might’ve taken advantage of, before. But for the first time in his life, he has absolutely no desire to lie to her.

Emily gently lays her knitting down on the coffee table in front of her and gestures Luke forward, stretching out a hand. He obediently leans down to let her brush his fringe aside and feel his forehead.

She hums approvingly a moment later and lets him go. “Ask your father to drive you. Will you be home for dinner, or are you spending the night?”

“I’m not sure,” Luke says, “but I’ll call around five either way?”

“Perfect.” She gives him that smile again— that look — and Luke turns away before he can think too hard about how much he doesn’t deserve it.

His dad is quiet on the drive over, but he lets Luke fiddle with the radio and kick his feet up on the dashboard, and doesn’t protest when Luke rolls the window up and down every five minutes. He parks the car in Bobby’s driveway, right outside the studio, but doesn’t shut the engine off. Something tells Luke to linger an extra moment or two before getting out.

“You need any money?” Mitch asks, finally.

No, but I’ll take some, Luke would’ve said, before, and then probably blown it on junk food or guitar picks or something. Instead, he shakes his head, leg bouncing, says, “Nah, dad, we’re just gonna be talking.”

Mitch nods and leans forward to peer through the windshield up at the studio. Luke follows his gaze. He can only imagine what his dad must be thinking: So this is where my son was living for two months because he didn’t feel safe at home.

“I’ll call home to let you know when to pick me up,” Luke says, desperate to fill the silence, and reaches for the door handle. “See you later, Dad.”

He catches half a glimpse of his father’s face as he heads up the drive: Mitch looks pensive and sad, and at least twenty years older than he really is.

Luke drags in a breath, and tries not to feel too guilty.

He’s barely rapped his knuckles against the studio door when it’s yanked open from the inside and Luke gets a faceful of t-shirt as Bobby tugs him into a strong-armed hug.

“Hey!” Luke laughs breathlessly. “I missed you, too.”

Bobby presses his face into Luke’s neck, tightening his hold. “Thank you for coming.”

“Of course, baby.” Luke rubs his back, trying to follow his instincts without getting too self-conscious. He hasn’t seen Bobby in a while, and somehow using pet names and terms of endearment was easier over the phone. Holding him and letting himself be held was easier when he was sick and hurting and had an easy excuse. But he doesn’t want Bobby to think Luke loves him any less, or that Luke’s ashamed of him or something, just because they’re both healthy.

Still. “We should get inside,” he murmurs, lips pressed into Bobby’s hair. “My dad’s kinda sitting in his car watching us, and I can feel him getting uncomfortable.”

Bobby snorts, his shoulders shaking under Luke’s touch. But then he nods and pulls away, swiping the back of his hand across his face; Luke thinks he catches the glisten of tears.

Inside the studio, with the doors shut tight and the sound of Luke’s dad’s car disappearing down the street, Luke sits Bobby down on the couch and says, “So. Reggie.”

Bobby’s quiet as he tells the story, his head ducked low and his hands clasped tightly between his legs. Luke keeps a hand on Bobby’s back, rubbing gentle circles as he listens to Bobby talk.

When he goes quiet, Luke takes a minute to breathe and think, before he carefully summarizes, “So… Reggie’s mad at you cause you didn’t wanna tell Alex about your headaches?”

“Reggie’s mad at me,” Bobby corrects, his voice breathy with exhaustion, “because I didn’t wanna tell him either. If he hadn’t caught me in the middle of one, I probably wouldn’t have said anything at all.”

“How come?” Luke tries for gentle, but he’s not sure he quite makes the mark. “You had no trouble telling me.”

“You’re easy,” Bobby grumbles. “I didn’t exactly have to try hard to make a good first impression. Doesn’t matter so much if you think I’m weak.”

“And it does with Reggie?” He doesn’t bother asking about Alex. Luke loves the guy, but he knows better than anyone how bitey and judgmental Alex can get. How slow to trust. Luke doesn’t much love showing weakness in front of Alex either. But Reggie… “Bro, Reggie just wants to be helpful. He’d care that you’re hurting, not that you weren’t totally together all the time. He wouldn’t think you’re weak.” He adds as an afterthought, “...and Alex would get over it.”

Bobby huffs out a laugh. He chokes on it, then turns away from Luke to cough into his fist. Luke rubs his back, feeling the tremors that the coughing fit causes, and winces in sympathy as Bobby takes a slow breath and rubs his chest like it hurts. Luke knows the feeling.

Acting on instinct, Luke reaches over and brushes Bobby’s hair back, pressing a palm to his forehead. He doesn’t feel warm, thank god, but he still leans into the touch, his eyes closing in relief, even as he mumbles, “Told you, I don’t have a fever.”

“I know,” Luke says softly, and really means, I’m sorry. “You want my advice, about Reggie?”

Bobby gives a tiny nod, makes a soft whining sound in the back of his throat that Luke is pretty sure is supposed to be a yes.

“You don’t have to try so hard. Reggie and Alex both, they… they want to be your friends. You just gotta let them.” He runs his hand through Bobby’s hair in slow, gentle strokes. “And with Reggie, a sincere apology goes a long way.”

Bobby nods again and slumps over to lay his head on Luke’s shoulder. “I’ll call him in the morning. For tonight…” Luke feels him tense, but when Bobby lifts his eyes to Luke’s, they’re open and vulnerable and honest, as he says, “Will you stay?”

Luke’s heart does a happy little flip-flop inside his chest. “Of course I will.” He presses a kiss to Bobby’s head and reluctantly pushes himself up off the couch. “Lemme just go call my folks and let them know I’m sleeping over. If I’m not back in ten, assume your mom’s kidnapped me to test out that aromatherapy treatment she kept going on about. And I’m bringing you tea.”

Bobby protests out of principle, calls him a nuisance, and a worrywart and a nag, but Luke feels Bobby’s smile on his back all the way out the door.

***

Reggie drops his bike along the wall beneath the Pattersons’ front window and skips up to the door, swallowing back the nerves drying his throat before quickly jabbing his finger against the doorbell.

Its chime echoes long and loud, enough that it makes Reggie flinch, makes him pick at his fingers and start to think that maybe coming here wasn't the best idea after all.

Because Luke’s still recovering. Luke’s got a boyfriend now. Luke shouldn’t have to spend time and energy worrying about Reggie and all his problems.

But before Reggie can turn around and leave, the door opens, and Luke’s mom smiles at him.

“Reginald! How are you, dear?”

“Very well, thank you!” Reggie smiles politely, bouncing on his heels a little. “How are you, Mrs. P?”

“I’m just fine, Reginald.” She leans against the doorway, her expression turning a little amused. “Did you need something, dear? Luke’s not home.”

“Oh, he’s not?” Reggie’s heart sinks. He clears his throat a little. “Um, is he… do you know when he’ll be back?”

“Probably not until morning. He’s staying at Robert’s tonight.”

“He’s sleeping over?” he repeats, surprised. Mitch and Emily Patterson don’t seem like the kind of parents who’d be particularly chill about their son spending the night at his boyfriend’s house.

It only then occurs to Reggie that maybe they don’t know Bobby is Luke’s boyfriend…

“I have the phone number,” Mrs. Patterson says, oblivious to Reggie’s conundrum, “if you needed to get in touch with Luke.”

“Oh. Oh, no, it’s okay.” Reggie fixes his smile back into place, swallows thick disappointment. “I’ll head over to Bobby’s, or… or I’ll catch Luke another time. Thanks, Mrs. P!”

He thinks she might start to say something else, but Reggie doesn’t hang around to listen. He scoops up his bike and disappears down the drive, pedaling as hard as he can so the adrenaline will overtake his complex jumble of emotions.

He shouldn’t bother Luke. He doesn’t really need him. He’d just been lonely, and his parents were fighting, and getting out of the house seemed like a really good idea at the time. Plus, he’s been sulking for days now since he yelled at Bobby, and Luke somehow always knows how to cheer Reggie up, even if Reggie wasn’t exactly planning on telling him what’s wrong.

But Luke’s with Bobby. Reggie can’t interrupt them. Luke will almost undoubtedly be mad at Reggie if he finds out Reggie shouted at his boyfriend. Bobby’s probably mad at him already.

As far as Reggie knows, Bobby might just turn him away on sight. Before Reggie even has half a chance to apologize.

Despite this thought process, Reggie’s bike skids to a stop on familiar concrete, bringing him to the realization that he rode to the studio without even thinking about it.

One of the doors has been left open. He can smell popcorn and spices carried out on the wind. He can hear Luke’s laughter, Bobby coughing, a Rolling Stones album playing softly in the background.

It makes Reggie’s throat feel tight, makes it hurt to breathe. He’s so… lonely. He wants what they have, and knows he can’t get it.

He should just go home.

He starts to turn away, but Luke’s voice stops him, calling, “Reg, hey! What are you doing here, man?”

Reggie swallows and awkwardly turns back to face the studio, where Luke’s lounging in the doorway grinning at him, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. Reggie manages a tiny smile of his own that he can only hope is convincing. “Hey, Luke. You, uh… your mom told me you’d be here.”

Reggie starts to add, But I should probably just go, but the words die on his tongue when Bobby appears over Luke’s shoulder, looking pale and tired, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders up at his ears.

“Hey, Reg,” Bobby says, low and gruff.

Reggie swallows, his hands tightening their grip around the handlebars of his bike. “I just… I wanted to talk to Luke?” he says simply, which isn’t totally a lie. “But I can go… if I’m not welcome.”

“What?” Bobby’s expression crumples, and he pushes past Luke to step forward, toward Reggie. “Reg, no, I— of course you’re welcome here. You’re always—” He breaks off, glancing over his shoulder at Luke, who gestures encouragingly. Bobby sighs and turns back, squaring his shoulders. “Reggie, I need to apologize to you. Again.”

Reggie gapes, baffled. “Wha— I— Bobby, no, I should be apologizing to you!”

“Me? Why?”

“Cause I yelled at you.”

“Yeah, but you were right!” Bobby takes another step forward, close enough that he can reach out a hand to hover over Reggie’s, still gripping tight to his handlebars. “Reggie, I’m not good at asking for help. I’m not used to being seen as weak and not having that be a bad thing. But I’m done lying, and I’m done hiding things. You’ve been nothing but kind to me, Reg. And I do want to be your friend.” He takes a deep breath, shoots Luke another quick look, and then says softly, “I’m gonna start being better, Reggie. I promise. I’m so sorry I ever made you feel like I didn’t trust you. Like I didn’t like you. I do. I really do.”

Reggie’s left speechless, and a little choked. He stands there for a few moments, his mouth working but no sound coming out, and stares at Luke and Bobby both, searching their faces for any hint of a sign from either of them that Bobby’s kidding or making fun of him.

Reggie knows Bobby doesn’t mean it— liking him — the way Reggie wants him to, the way Reggie likes him back. But it still puts a lump in his throat, to hear Bobby say it at all — Bobby who never admits to liking anyone!

Reggie doesn’t realize he’s started crying until he tastes salt on his lips and Luke bounds forward to pull Reggie into his arms. That seems to break the floodgates open, then; Reggie lets his bike fall to the concrete with a clatter, buries his face in Luke’s shirt, and sobs.

Luke doesn’t ask why he’s crying, or tell him to stop. He just holds Reggie tight, and when Reggie chokes out, “I was just so lonely, ” whispers, Shh, it’s okay, I know.

Somehow, they end up inside the studio on the folded-out couch. Luke gently pushes Reggie to lie down in the middle, and then immediately climbs in next to him, pulling a mountain of blankets over them both.

After a few moments of awkward hesitation, Bobby joins them on Reggie’s other side, lowering himself gently onto the mattress and curling up so that Reggie feels his warmth without them actually touching.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Reggie gasps out, his tears starting to slow.

“I wish you’d do it more often.” Bobby gives him a tiny smile and slowly slides his hand into Reggie’s. “You can’t get rid of me, man. I got you.”

--

Taglist: @whenweremarried @sunsethimb0s @pink-flame @penguin0613 @fighttoshine @sunsetcurvecuddles @teenagedirtbag-dot-jpeg @brightattheorpheum @queenmolina @jandthephantoms @lexilucacia @sapphossidechick @acnhaddict @shrimp-colours @sunset-bobby @lenacarstairspotterstewart @conversationaltreestump @burntchromas @molinapattersons @julieandthequeers @joyandthephantoms @it-tastes-like-lizard @jatpfs

[getlitaesthetic]

Gosh all I've been able to think about for the last 5 hours is MC getting teleported into another reality for a shortish period of time (be it time magic glitch or curse or whatever) and coming back so extremely traumatized and the canon bros have no idea what the hell happened or how to help, because how do you help someone who trembles when you glance at them. Keep thinking about little habits MC'd pick up too and OUCH

The idea that anyone spends any amount of time thinking about my content makes my heart sing, so thank you anon! This works better as a fic, so I hope you enjoy, the rest is under the cut! NSFW and TW for graphic violence, abuse, and trauma.

WORD COUNT: 5.3K

THE BEGINNING:

MC had made... a mistake. Well, several mistakes in succession, really. Just a lot of them. They had gone to the Demon Lord’s castle for tea with Barbatos over his short amount of downtime throughout the day, and as enjoyable as those 10 minutes were, he was quickly called away back to Diavolo’s side for some errand or another. The result was that MC was left alone in the kitchen, after profuse assurance that they knew how to find their way out on their own.

That was mistake one. MC very much did not know the way out on their own. They stumbled into room after room, peeking at things and hoping for an exit they simply could not find. Well, they thought, if I’m here, I might as well explore. Their poking became more deliberate, as they entered a room where everything was covered in tarps.

Which was mistake two. Never go into a room in a magical demon palace where everything is covered. Common sense would have told them as much, but clearly they lacked much of that to be in this situation in the first place. MC tugged the covers off of each object as they passed, unveiling items that hadn’t been touched in centuries, and one that had been last touched months before at a student council meeting. The mirror was, of course, the least interesting of the bunch they had found so far, and instead they turned to the box that sat in front of it, crouching down as they pried it open.

The wooden lid squealed as it shifted, sending up a shower of dust and spiders that made MC cough and gasp, rubbing their eyes as they jumped to their feet, falling backwards in shock. They hit the glass of the mirror, but it didn’t feel solid, the way glass should. At first it felt like latex, conforming to their skin as they leaned back, but it quickly lost substance, and, as if falling through a pool of thick water, they were gone.

LUCIFER:

MC hit the hard ground with a heavy thud, groaning as they rubbed their head. They looked down, expecting to be soaked after their long, liquid fall, but they were dry, dusty even. Frowning in confusion, MC climbed to their feet, blinking quickly to clear their eyes as they finally looked around at where they had landed. The land was scorched and cracked, the sky red as dark clouds collected and thundered. A storm was coming. MC shivered, rubbing their arms, though it wasn’t cold outside. Something wasn’t right. Quickly, they turned, looking for the mirror they had fallen through, but it was nowhere in sight.

Thank God there was a familiar form cresting the deadened hill a short distance away. “Lucifer?” MC squinted, jumping up and waving their arms excitedly. They were saved! Lucifer had to know what to do, right? He always did. The form noticed their waving arms and started towards them. Soon, he was clearly visible, and MC flinched backwards at the sight. This was not Lucifer. He was too tall, his face so much more captivating. His wings dragged behind him in tattered pieces, his eyes were entirely red, without sign of a pupil... and his clothes. They were more like armor than the usual peacock feathered overcoat he usually wore. “M-My bad, I was looking for Lucifer,” MC laughed nervously, rubbing the back of their neck as they took a halting step backwards.

But it was too late. This malevolent force was already directly in front of them. “MC?” He questioned, his voice more of a hiss than the comforting, firm tone they were used to from him. “What in Hell’s name are you doing here? I thought I taught you better than to attempt escape.” His brow furrowed, sure he had chained them up before he had left. How had they gotten out, let alone this far out into the wilds of the Devildom, without harm? And this was not the outfit he had dressed them in this morning, all soft pastels instead of the black silks he preferred.

The demon shook off his confusion, grabbing MC by the arm, lifting them off the ground to look into their eyes as they hung from his too-tight grip. They swallowed uncomfortably. “I-I--”

“No,” he growled, “no excuses. You know the punishment that comes with an action like this.” Lucifer dropped them to the ground, kicking them hard in the ribs. MC wheezed, the breath leaving their lungs far too quickly. Their mind felt like it was overheating as they rolled over, trying to crawl away, only for a heavy foot to land on their left leg, breaking it with a sharp CRACK. MC cried out in pain, curling into a ball as they tried to protect their injured parts.

“Lucifer!” They sobbed. “It’s me! It’s MC!”

“Clearly,” the demon snarled, bending over to tangle his long, sharp claws in their hair, yanking hard and once again lifting them into the air as desperate tears streamed down their cheeks. “It’s time you learned your lesson for such disrespect.” MC twisted in his grasp, feeling a chunk of hair as it was ripped from their head as they fell on their knees. MC rose shakily on their one good leg, limping away as quickly as they could. 

Lucifer laughed at the sight, letting them inch away until they were almost at the treeline, where an abandoned pile of junk someone had left out set. It was entertaining to watch them fight, as if they could win this. But he quickly lost interest in watching, stepping up to spin them around, only for MC to lose balance on their injured leg and fall backwards, hitting the junk pile, and the cold not-water once again.

The furious Avatar of Pride let out a hideous bellow as he punched the old piece of glass left laying on the ground, now shattered.

MAMMON:

A cold rush of air, and MC grabbed their leg as they hit plush carpet, sucking in lungful after lungful of sweet oxygen. They were... healed? No, no that didn’t make sense, they were certain they’d just had a broken leg, likely a broken rib as well. MC reached up to feel their bleeding scalp, but everything was just the same as it had been before they had fallen. Carefully, gingerly, they sat up on their knees, hesitant to look around. Just from the soft rug beneath them they knew they were not back in the palace. But if not there, where?

Finally, MC gathered the courage to raise their eyes to the rest of the room, and they gasped. The walls were lined in beautiful things. A wall, dedicated to the most expensive watches they had ever seen, and another with a collection of what had to be original lost paintings from the human realm-- they knew, because Satan had recently taken them on a date to a Devildom art museum exhibit where these exact works had been on display. Were they in the museum, then? They didn’t recall seeing all those watches there.

Then, noise. Coming from the hallway. MC sagged in relief at the familiar tone of Mammon’s voice, but once again a chill ran down their spine as they realized something was off. It was what he was saying, it just didn’t make any sense.

“Aye! Listen, you freakshow son of a bitch. I don’t care if you corrupted the GODDAMN Pope, if you don’t get my fucking money by the end of the day, your soul quota will be the least of your worries, got that?”

MC shrunk in on themselves, glancing around for a place to hide, but found nothing. The room was empty of furniture, only the walls covered in such expensive prizes. Mammon sighed as he shoved open the door. “Hey, MC, what are you doing here? I thought I just told you to get dressed to go out. You don’t look dressed.”

MC’s jaw dropped, and they squeaked out a quiet apology. Mammon looked different. Rich. They never thought they’d see the day where Mammon was dressed head to toe in designer clothes, and clearly without the stress of how he would pay for it.

“Well? You gonna get off your ass and do it, or do I have to start chopping pieces again?”

“Wha--” MC’s question never had time to hit air, as Mammon lost his patience, grabbing them by the hand to pull them up, only to freeze solid.

“MC?”

“Uh, um.. yeah?”

“Where’s your ring?

“My... ring?”

Clearly, Mammon was not pleased with the answer, his eyes turning stormy, and his casual smile souring. “Yeah. Your ring. The one that cost over half a million Grimm. That ring.”

“Oh, I, uh...”

“Not good enough, Doll.” The demon pulled them towards a door on the other side of the room. Dread pooled in MC’s stomach. Did a different room count as a secondary location? They heard you don’t get to live if you’re taken to a secondary location. The door opened into a room full of equipment, and their eyes widened in fear. The walls were lined in mirrors, presumably so they could witness their own torture.

Mammon cuffed their hand to a table, and no amount of yanking and pleading was getting it off. A buzzing sound started, the loud whine deafening MC as their heart turned into a hummingbird.

One by one, burning heat overwhelmed their nerves, and fingers began to fall away.

MC screamed.

Eventually, some unknown time later, MC blinked themselves awake, alone in the dark room with the fingers of their left hand in a discard pile beside them. Sobbing, they gathered the digits, shoving them into their pocket as they pounded on the door, to no avail, and then to the each of the mirrors. Nothing happened.

After an hour of futile knocking and screaming, their left hand covered in blood, they leaned their back against one of the mirrors, and slid to the ground, only to fall right through the cold glass.

LEVIATHAN:

Not again. Not again not again not again. This time, MC recognized where they were immediately. Undoubtedly this was Levi’s room, but already they were cringing backwards. Once again, things weren’t right. The fish in his room, they weren’t right, all staring hungrily and biting at the glass with sharp teeth. The wall reserved for collectibles was instead covered in old army pictures and weapons covered in glass. They tried the door with no success, and the only attatched room was the bathroom. Acting quickly, MC made the certainly unwise decision to break into the containers. If they had a weapon, maybe... 

They searched for a heavy item to break the glass, but found nothing, anything that could remotely be used for defense was chained or screwed down. They lifted their hands, sighing in relief that, if nothing else, all of their fingers were back where they were meant to be. With no other choice, MC reeled back with all of their strength, and punched the solid covering to one of the sharper looking items, even though they didn’t recognize a single one as a standard weapon. Once. Twice.

Immediately, an alarm blared, and their heart sank. MC inspected the glass as their heart pounded. Only the tiniest hairline crack, not enough to really damage the integrity of the case, and a speck of blood. They heard keys outside the door, and panicked, rushing to sit on the bed, looking terrified. Maybe, if they played along, they wouldn’t get hurt again.

“Levi!” MC cried out when he opened it, rushing into his arms. They knew Levi, he was just a nerdy little demon who wanted to be loved for who he was. They could play that part, they could! But they still hadn’t come to terms with the fact that this wasn’t the Levi they knew. “I was taking a nap and the alarm started going off! Please make it stop!” Hidden behind Levi’s back, MC’s fist was already throbbing from the punch.

How easy to be reminded that this was not their Levi, though, when he pushed them back, eyes narrowed. “The alarm doesn’t just go off, MC, what did you do?”

“Me? I didn’t do anything, I swear!” They flinched back, already anticipating the pain that was to come. After all, Lucifer and Mammon hadn’t needed any proof to start breaking them. The pain didn’t come, though. Not immediately.

“Sit down,” he pointed to the bed. MC nodded quickly, shoulders dipped as they slunk away as quickly as possible. It would be harder for the envious demon to hurt them from across the room anyways. Levi headed straight for the pictures and weapons, inspecting each of them carefully, until he came to the one MC had managed to inflict minor damage on. He sniffed, leaning in and licking the blood from the glass. 

“That’s your blood,” he stated bluntly.

MC felt themselves go pale. “My blood? That can’t be right,” they tried to defend, but it was clearly too late. Levi’s tail lashed out, wrapping them up tightly, dragging them towards the bathroom. They wanted to cry, but all they felt was the burning of tears that refused to fall.

Levi kept them trapped as he filled the large, deep sink with water. Dread filled the pit of MC’s stomach. Certainly he wouldn’t-- They gasped as he dunked their head under, holding them under as they thrashed in the too-tight grip of the demon’s tail. He lifted them out of the water, and MC gasped, desperately sucking in air as their lungs burned, only for him to do it again. He held them under until their thrashing weakened, dizziness setting in.

He held MC up once again, looking them in the eyes as he slammed the back of their skull against the bathroom mirror, the human’s eyes rolling back as they passed out, blood trickling down their head. Levi’s grip loosened around them as he stared in shock at the sight of his lover sliding backwards through the glass.

SATAN:

They had no idea how much time had passed by the time they came to, but they were thankful for the lack of throbbing in their hand, and the ability to breathe. Satan. He had to be next. Sure, their common sense might be lacking, but MC still had basic pattern recognition on their side. Terror filled their veins as they realized that meant they weren’t even halfway through the day’s horror. 3 down, 4 to go. Then it’s all over... I hope, MC thought as they dragged themselves to their feet, ignoring the wave of dizziness that momentarily took them over.

Swallowing thickly, MC took in their surroundings. This place, at least, was far more familiar than any of the others so far. The library of RAD. They did not look closer, not wanting to know what was wrong, but if they had they would have noticed the dark theme of every book on the shelves. The library was empty, save for the sound of one other shuffling through books around the corner. MC didn’t desire to know who it was, opting to take a seat in one of the heavy, straight-backed chairs circling the nearest round table, meant for a group of 6.

There was no surprise when Satan turned the corner, arms stacked with books, but MC’s heart dropped into their stomach regardless. He was beautiful. More beautiful than they ever could have imagined, and they stopped breathing, just for a moment, as if they’d forgotten how. A blush pooled in MC’s cheeks as they stared, lips parted just slightly.

Satan laughed softly, offering a cheeky smile. “Well, darling? Are you going to pull the chair out for me or not?” They nodded quickly, rushing to his aid, but fear began to fill them as they saw his gorgeous face crease in the forehead, a small frown on his lips. “MC, you’re not wearing the dress I gave you. Did something happen?”

Their voice caught in their throat, but he seemed so genuine, so sweet, how could they leave him without answers? “It got dirty,” they mumbled, looking to the carpeted floor.

“Look at me,” he insisted, frown deepening. Something wasn’t right. He had trained such poor behavior out of his lovely MC long ago.

They looked up, bottom lip already trembling, and he knew something was deeply wrong. Satan set the pile of books on the table, taking MC into his arms, where they shook violently against his chest, the heaving sobs coming quickly. “Now, now,” he sighed. “I’ll make it better. I always do, don’t I?”

After all of the pain of the day, and the comfort of finally being held, MC barely noticed the sharp stab of the needle in their lower back as he slid his warm hands under their shirt. They blinked dreamily as they slowly relaxed, Satan catching them as they nearly collapsed to the floor.

Once again, they came to in a strange place. A room, decorated with soft things, a white vanity covered in makeup in front of them. They were smiling, their mind finally calm, and they were dressed in a darling floral getup that restricted their breathing just a little. MC tried to pause to think about it, something tugging in their chest saying they should be afraid, but it was too far to catch.

They hummed delightedly as they leaned forwards, hiding their dark under eye circles. Satan will be so proud! It was a thought they had never had before, but it felt perfectly in place here. The door clicked, and they looked up to find the smiling demon, melting once again at the sight of him. “Welcome back!” MC exclaimed brightly. Satan crossed the room, cupping their neck in his hand as he leaned forwards to kiss them, tilting them backwards until the back of their head pressed the glass of the vanity, and they tumbled through.

ASMODEUS:

MC’s head was suddenly incredibly clear as they dropped into a comfortable bed full of extra soft pillows. A hideous shudder racked their body, and they felt so dirty when they thought about Satan, and how he had clearly drugged them. More than that, their stomach rolled heavily, threatened to make them wretch when they realized that in a sick way, they had kind of liked it.

They forced themselves to shake it off as they looked around what must have been Asmo’s room. To be honest, it wasn’t all that shocking. The ceiling and the wall across from the bed were both made entirely of large mirrors, and sex toys lined the two side walls. The last wall was saved for the enormous bed that MC now laid on. As much as they wanted to sleep, to rest, even for a moment, they knew they had to get out as quickly as possible. All that was left after this was the twins, right? Maybe, if they were lucky, they shared a world the way they shared a room! So far, the constant in the escape had been mirrors. That was easy here, they were huge and readily available!

MC stood on shaky legs and made their way to the mirror wall, pounding on it with the side of their fist. “Hello?” They cried out. “C’mon! Let me through, please let me through!” Then, a floral scent filled the room, and it made MC’s head spin.

Thoughts of escape were quickly fading, replaced by the need to focus on the beautiful scent surrounding them. Their vision went dark, but they couldn’t find it in them to gasp. No matter, as it was quickly restored, when Asmo removed his hands from their eyes, revealing himself in the mirror behind them.

“Surprise!” He crooned, and MC could feel hot desire pool low in their stomach.

“Oh,” MC moaned softly, relaxing into his arms, still facing the mirror. 

“Naughty thing! You want me to fuck you against the mirror?”

“Mmm, y- uh... yesss...” Words were becoming increasingly difficult, and they leaned their forehead against the glass as their bottoms were yanked down, their ass pressed against the long, hard bulge of Asmo’s cock.

“Hmm... Only if you really deserve it! What’s your name, sweetie?”

“Umm...” MC’s brow furrowed as they tried to remember, but it was gone. A blank spot in their memory. They looked for any other information about themselves, but it all came up empty, as they were thoroughly distracted by how needy they were becoming for the hot length they were rubbing against.

Asmodeus giggled in delight, spinning MC around to face him, invading their mouth with his tongue as he guided their hand to his cock, which they mindlessly began to stroke. Up and down, up and down, good pets stroke up and down... 

The demon seemed pleased with that, shoving their back hard against the mirror as he lifted them up to straddle his waist, only for MC to slip away into the rippling glass.

“Hey! But I was horny!”

BEELZEBUB:

MC was not lucky. The twins most definitely did not share a world, and they guessed it as soon as their ass hit the hard tile of the kitchen floor. They had to shake their head to regain a semblance of proper thought back, whining to themselves as they tried to use the counter to pull themselves to their feet. The counter was much taller than MC remembered, and they settled for using one of the drawers instead.

After a long minute with their forehead resting on the cool marble, things seemed mostly back to normal. At least now they remembered their own name. MC hesitated, ideas of what they could possibly be looking forward to with Beel running in a jumble through their not-quite-unscrambled head. The kitchen was empty. MC’s shoulders began to shake, as their body was wracked with silent sobs. They couldn’t handle any more of this. They couldn’t. But what other choice did they have? More than that, what could possibly be left? They’d been tortured physically, mentally, emotionally, and it was getting harder to see an end to the constant pain. How long had it even been? Hours? Days, weeks, years, was anyone even looking for them?

MC was shaken from their thoughts as heavy steps entered the kitchen. Beelzebub didn’t bother to speak to them, just picking them up and setting them on the counter as he took out a massive pot, cutting board, cleaver, meat tenderizer, seasoning, and began to rummage through the refrigerator for ingredients. His body began to... shift, his stomach sinking into his body, as he grew taller, arms thickening. He opened his mouth, and all that came out was a deep groan as his stomach growled. 

Unsure what to do, MC stayed frozen still, as if he would forget they were there, but as previously mentioned, luck was not something on MC’s side. Beel dropped a massive armful of groceries on the counter, and lifted the cleaver.

MC’s eyes widened, mouth opening to scream, but it was too late. He severed the bottom half of their leg without a word, and began preparing it for his stew. MC went pale, and passed out, tumbling to the floor. They woke minutes later, but stayed motionless on the floor, in shock at what had happened.

When he finished making his food, he picked up MC with one arm, and the pot with the other, carrying them both back to the dining room, and setting MC in a chair as he began to eat in front of them. Their stomach rolled at the sight of their own leg being ravenously devoured in front of their own eyes, and pushed out of the chair to vomit ungracefully on the floor beside them. Beel didn’t stop eating, but laughed heartily.

“Not hungry, MC?”

They shook their head, before noticing the mirror mounted on the wall near the table, sagging with relief, before realizing they honestly had no idea how the mirrors worked. Pounding on it hadn’t worked in Mammon’s torture room, or Asmo’ bedroom, so what was causing it?

“Beel?” MC questioned, looking up at him.

“Yeah?” He replied through his mouthful.

“Can you get that mirror down?”

Beel looked over at the mirror, confused, but shrugged and crossed the room to take it down, setting it on the floor. As he started to return to his seat, MC grabbed the pot of his food, and he snarled, shoving them backwards. They fell, and their back hit the glass. MC said a prayer of thanks as they sunk through.

BELPHEGOR:

Maybe it was the brothers. Maybe that was the trick? They had to be touching them for the mirror to work as a portal? No, no, that couldn’t be it. Asmo had been grinding on them with their face to the glass and they hadn’t gone through. Mammon wasn’t even nearby when they’d disappeared.

Fuck. So then what could it be? At least they had reached Belphie. This had to be the last of them, right? There were no secret brothers that no one had bothered to mention? The thought hurt, so MC pushed it aside. No. No. This had to be the last one. Another would kill me. The problem this time was obvious. They were in an open field, with no mirrors, and no Belphegor. The grass was long and dead as far as their eye could see, and there were no trees. Far away, they could see what looked like rain. Maybe that’s where they had come from, when they were with Lucifer? It had looked like it was going to rain then... But the rain, it was odd. Was that... Fire?

Another detail that wouldn’t help, would only haunt their nightmares. MC ignored it the best they could, and only hoped it wasn’t headed this way.

MC was not as perceptive as they believed, as was constantly proven, and it only took shape again as the long, waving puff of hair at the end of Belphie’s tail rose into the air, swaying in the cold breeze. They sighed, in both fear and relief. Whatever this final torture was, it was time to get it over with.

“Good morning,” the demon yawned, stretching and rolling in the grass. He laid on a small hoard of objects, likely brought to him by Beelzebub. Just little trinkets, things the other twin thought his brother would enjoy upon his awakening. MC saw figurines, small knives, jewelry. But no mirrors. Fear struck their heart.

“G-Good morning, Belphie.”

“How long was I asleep?” He bat a necklace away from his face with a lazy swish of his hand, and MC watched it skitter away into the grass.

“I’m not sure,” they replied honestly, sitting beside him. At this point, MC was resigned to whatever was about to happen. Their entire body already ached from healing over and over again.

“You’re still alive,” he rose to his haunches, revealing more of his trinkets, rubbing at his eyes. He seemed surprised by that revelation.

“Am I not supposed to be?” MC asked. 

“No,” Belphie answered, as he wrapped his body over theirs, drawing them into his nest of objects. MC thrashed and struggled as their air was cut off, fighting for breath, but the world began to darken at the edges.

Maybe this is it.

Their back hit a figurine with mirrored eyes that glowed in the reflection of the nearing rains of fire, and they tumbled.

DIAVOLO:

MC shuddered back to consciousness in a room that was soaked in blood, and they broke down, fists pounding the floor. “NO! NO NO NO! NO!” What was it now? What could it possibly be now? “I did it all! I went through all the brothers! What could FUCKING BE LEFT!” A drop of molten gold dripped from the ceiling, burning their skin, and they screamed at the top of their lungs in pain and frustration.

Diavolo laughed from the couch, his permanent grin still wide, simply watching the human lose their mind on the ground in front of him. MC looked up in shock at the sound, their watery red-rimmed eyes finally registering that they weren’t alone. “D-Diavolo?” They whispered, confused.

Horror burned hot through their veins at the thought that it might never be over. Who was next? Barbatos? The Demon King himself? Was this just an endless cycle through every demon in the Devildom?

They could feel their mind beginning to crack. Diavolo didn’t bother to lift a finger. The delicate creature was destroying themselves, no help required. He leaned back, as MC began ripping chunks of their hair out of their head, screaming at the top of their lungs.

“I think you’re ready now,” he stood, grabbing the gold leafed mirror, and lowered it over the curled up body of the human, until they had been completely swallowed, and the glass was flat against the floor.

ENDING:

MC was still screaming when they reappeared in the Devildom they knew and once loved, thrown across the dusty floor, coughing and sobbing. They flew to their feet, tearing out of the room and down the hall. They threw open every door until they finally found the exit, their sore legs carrying them all the way back to the House of Lamentation, where they ran up to their room, tossing their belongings haphazardly into a suitcase.

Lucifer was the first to get to the room, closely followed by the rest of the brothers. “MC?!” he questioned, concern lacing his voice. MC turned to the sound, all of the blood draining from their face as they looked at the brothers, their body convulsing in violent shakes as they saw all 7 brothers gathered at their door.

“Get away! Get away from me!” They shouted, hot tears flooding their face. “Don’t touch me!” But save for Levi and Beel respectfully hanging back, the other 5 only moved closer. “No!” MC could no longer hold on to their bag, dropping it on the floor, all of their clothes spilling out. They dropped to their knees, sobbing as they desperately tried to repack.

Now all of the boys were hesitating, unsure what to do. Satan knelt in front of them, still keeping his distance, his voice soft. “Hey, MC, are you okay? You know we’re here for you, right?”

“What the hell happened to ya?” Mammon piped in.

MC screamed, covering their ears. They could only remember the needle in their spine, growing weak in Satan’s arms, and being completely out of control of their own actions.

They shut the bag, steeling themselves as they shoved through the crowd of demons, all of them too afraid to try to stop MC’s flight. They sprinted down the stairs, disappearing out the door. They couldn’t stop running. Not now, not until their legs gave out. Maybe never again.

POST-SCRIPT:

If MC had bothered to ask Barbatos or Diavolo instead of snooping, they would have been able to inform MC exactly how the mirror worked. Or, alternatively, they could have simply checked the instructions engraved on the back. In curling script, it read: “To see an alternate life of your own, look into the mirror. To live your life in an alternate world, walk backwards into the mirror. You will be transported to the land of the people who viewed the mirror on the last day it was used. You will remain in each world until you go backwards through any available mirror, and will return to your original dimension upon completing the journey of the mirror’s day.

Example: Magdalene and John look into the mirror on Wednesday. On Friday, Hephaestus goes backwards into the mirror. He must visit both Magdelene’s and John’s worlds in order to return home.

Please use responsibly.”

[emiewritesthings]

when we were young - kevin atwater

requested?: yes by anonymous 

Could you do an Adam Ruzek or Kevin Atwater imagine where it’s like a flashback to the time him and the reader met and about their relationship and it cuts to their life now?

kevin atwater x fem!reader

a/n: i’m not sure what happened but i kept writing and it came out with this, hope you enjoy. please send me requests :) - emie

masterlist

ten years ago

y/n’s arms were numb as she ran up the stairs to the apartment for the fourth time in a row. her slightly impaired by the boxes that were piled up in her hands, leaving her feet in full control to guide her to the apartment that just so happened to be on the fifth floor.

as she reached the floor, she could already hear her brothers from down the hall. they had barely been in the block for more than an hour and they had already started to bicker, it was in moments like this that y/n wished she had sisters.

“where did you put my baseball bat? i know you have it!” flynn groaned as he searched desperately through the boxes that were labelled according to what room they were for, unfortunately for him ‘weapons’ wasn’t one of them. flynn was only 8 years old, but his fascination with breaking things astounded y/n and pretty much everyone else he met.

“no one cares about that, where is the laptop.” kai shouted back from the other room, not seeming to notice y/n struggling to hold onto the boxes in her arms. knowing she wasn’t going to get any help from anyone in her household, she continued to struggle alone, making sure to avoid her youngest brother fletcher that was running around the apartment like some play area.

“will you two shut up, i’m trying to listen,” and finally there was phoenix, who was holding his phone tightly against his ear as he wandered around the apartment trying to find some sort of signal. y/n dropped the boxes next to the other ones that were beginning to fill up the living room.

“wow, y/n, thank you so much for bringing in all ours things and for paying for this place,” y/n mocked in a deep voice, in what she had deemed her ‘angsty brother’ voice, despite sounding like an idiot. “no problem guys.” she smiled sarcastically, patting flynn on the head as he let out a groan of annoyance, not having taken in a word his sister had said.

y/n was only 18 and yet she had spent the last 6 months of her life in court to get custody of her brothers in order to get them out of foster care. her parents were who knows where, on whatever drug they could find, while drinking whatever they could get their hands on. she knew that she had saved the boys through a life of pain, that she had not had when she was their age, but she would have appreciated a thank you every once in a while.

“so what’s for dinner?” kai called out, finding the laptop that all five of them had to share and had been sharing for the last few years. his body slouched against the couch, eyes not raising to meet his sister’s.

“dude, it’s three o’clock.” she snorted, she had learnt over the years of taking care of her brothers that they seemed to always be hungry, no matter the hour. yet still it amazed her. kai shrugged, the sound of his fingers tapping against the keys echoing throughout the bare apartment. “i guess we could get a pizza tonight, i still have the tips from friday.” she scronged around helplessly.

“pizza!” fletcher yelled as he ran back into the living room and into the arms of his sister, who picked him up with ease. the look of pure happiness on his face, reminded y/n exactly what made her moneyless, tiresome work worth it.

“you know, sometimes i’m sure you are the only one that loves me.” she grinned, as fletch wrapped his small arms around her and squeezed her softly. however the mood came crashing down when she heard a loud crash coming from one of the bedrooms.

“found it!” flynn yelled, as he appeared with the stupid baseball bat that y/n was sure she had thrown out and a wide smile on his face.

--

the knock on the door came just in time. y/n was busy unpacking her room, having completed everyone elses and the other rooms. her stomach was making sounds that had she been in public would have made her embarrassed.

“i’ve got it!” she yelled, but when she ran out the room no one had even made an effort to peel themselves away from the tv that was playing a rerun of friends. y/n grabbed her purse and pulled open the door. “it’s 15 bucks, right?” she asked, holding the money out, only to find as her eyes rose the three strangers at her door were certainly not the pizza delivery guy.

“ugh, sorry to bother you,” y/n could feel the apple of her cheeks burn as she met the coffee coloured eyes of the tall man that made her feel like she was 2 foot tall. “my name’s kevin atwater i live next door and this is my brother jordan and my sister vinessa- i’m sorry are we interrupting.” the man spoke, a small warm smile pulling on his lips as he looked over the woman’s face. he had been brought up properly, his desire to check her out was pushed down and he kept the friendly smile on his face.

“no, no, of course not,” y/n rambled, turning to look behind her at the four boys that were brainwashed by the small box that rested on an old tv stand. debating what to do she quickly moved out of the way of the door and gestured for them to enter. “come on in, let me introduce you to the boys. i’m y/n y/l/n, it’s nice to meet you guys.”

y/n had only had a couple of friends in her life, when you move from foster home to foster home it was hard to keep in contact. but this was a fresh start, it had to be and it was being offered to her on a silver platter.

“kevin, vinessa, jordan these are my brothers, malakai, phoenix, flynnigan and fletcher.” she introduced, making sure she gave the boys a sharp glare to behaviour while they had guests over. “guys, these are our neighbours, be nice.” she made sure she was looking at flynn who was holding onto his baseball bat like some deranged lunatic, but he flashed his most innocent smile as he looked to their guests.

“how’s it going, dude.” kai was the first one to speak up. standing from his position to shake kevin’s hand. then came flynn who completely ignored kevin as he nodded his head at jordan, who was around the same age as the boy.

“you like breaking things?” he asked, catching kevin and jordan by surprise as y/n quickly pulled flynn away from the boy and towards him.

“he’s joking.” he was not joking, but flynn happily returned to the sofa. y/n soon noticed that they were just standing awkwardly in their living room, knowing that she should probably play host, she pointed towards the kitchen. “you guys want a drink or something?”

“sure.” kevin smiled, his eyes following her as she excused herself and left the room. y/n didn’t like this whole host role, let alone for a 6 foot something god that was getting a first hand look into what a nutcase family he was living next to. the last thing she needed nor wanted was someone calling in CPS and taking them off her again. “uh, i was just wondering if you guys wanted some help.” y/n nearly dropped the cans in her hand, as she turned to face the man that didn’t mean to cause any hand.

“yeah, thanks.” she smiled, steadying her heartbeat for no more than a second before he took a few steps closer and it was off beating again. she couldn’t help it, she had not been with anyone in nearly 7 months. with the stress of the custody and the time taken to work, she didn’t really have time for a sex life. so one look at the man had her palms sweating like a creep.

“so where did you move from?” kevin asked. small talk, i can do small talk, y/n thought as she looked at kevin who was helping to find enough cups for everyone in the apartment.

“uh we were actually a few blocks over in the south.” she replied, not wanting to tell him the entire story, after all they had met moments ago. kevin hummed, noticing the way her shoulders tensed. anxiety was radiating off her, but he found it cute. “you always lived here?”

“yeah, pretty much,” the silence resumed and y/n didn’t know what else to say. maybe small talk wasn’t her thing. who was she kidding, she was killing this conversation and not in a good way. thankfully it was cut short as there was yet another knock on the door. y/n cursed, trying to put down the cups she had balanced in her hands, but kevin placed his hand upon her shoulder, stopping her. “i got it.” he offered, walking away and towards the front door.

y/n could feel her skin tingling, but she shook it off as she followed kevin out of the room.

“thanks, bro.” kevin called out before the door slammed shut. y/n put the drinks onto the coffee table, making sure that kevin’s siblings got first dibs before the boys got their hands on them. kevin appeared the his hands holding the rest of the cups and the pizza. “here you go, we should probably get going and let you guys eat-.”

“stay,” y/n said all too quickly, causing all eyes to look her way. realising she sounded way to desperate, her eyes widened as she tried to fix her words. “i mean why don’t you guys join us for dinner, i’m sure the boys don’t mind sharing, right guys?” she looked at her brothers who didn’t look impressed, but one stern look and they were all nodding.

“of course.” they cheered in unison. kevin placed the box on the table, and looked towards his own siblings that seemed to be eyeing up the pizza just a little too much to say no.

“that sounds great.” kevin smiled, admiring kind eyes that seemed to warm his body to an unusual heat. y/n’s body began to relax as she walked over and grabbed her own slice, knowing that when being surrounded by brothers it was always best to dive in before it all disappeared.

--

as time went on, y/n began to learn more about kevin and his family. the kids were playing some kind of game in another room, whilst y/n and kevin were sat on the sofa trying to get to know each other. a very tired fletcher asleep in y/n’s arms as she rocked him slowly.

“wait so you are a cop?” she asked astounded, she had never met a real life cop. in fact she had been raised to run away from them. when one showed up at her door it was either to bring back her pissed parents or to remove her and her brothers from the home. nothing good came out of the police, until now anyways.

“training to be one, yes. i’m only 19.” he chuckled, taking a short sip on the beer they had found in y/n’s fridge.

“don’t tell flynn that, he will most likely try and steal your gun or ask you questions that no 8 year old should ask.” she giggled, her brother had seen more than most which left him asking questions that received concerned but mostly confused looks. she called him their little psychopath, but underneath all that he was her little teddy bear that she had literally taken care of for all his life.

“i’ll be keeping my eye out for him, don’t worry.” he promised and he meant it. the pair were both legal guardians of their siblings while they were still teenagers themselves, they had to look out for one another, they were the only ones that understood. “what about you, what do you do?”

“i’m a waitress until 1 and then i work at the bowling alley until 7 after that i serve cocktails to rich white collars at the bar in the city.” she explained, even the explanation made her take a long and painful sip of her beer. the exhaustion had never been so agonising in her life. trying to juggle looking after her family and providing for them proved to be much more difficult than first thought, but they were family, she couldn’t give up on them.

“holy shit,” kevin breathed out, noticing the way her eyes saddened into a darker colour. a shadow of tears rising in her eyes, but quickly disappearing as she reminded herself that she didn’t have time to cry. she was the strong one. “okay then, what do you want to be doing? if you could be anything in this world what would you be?” he asked, bringing a smile out onto her face.

“i want to be a nurse,” she smiled, completely zoning out of their conversation. “i want to help people, i want to care for people, i mean i have been doing it for my entire life why not make money from it?” she giggled, as she was brought out of her trance by someone placing their hand on her’s. her eyes found themselves locked on kevin’s.

“nurse y/n, huh?” kevin smiled, lightening the mood. however as he did, the small child in the arms of his sister seemed to stir. y/n excused herself, as she stood up and walked in the direction of fletcher’s room. just as she did, the door to the room the kids were in swung open revealing a very intrigued flynn.

“hey, can i talk to you for a second?” kevin nearly missed the fact that the child was indeed talking to him. looking around and realising no one else was in the room he nodded, patting the space besides him which flynn soon took. “i think my sister likes you, dude.” flynn spoke, not even a hint of guilt in his voice as he looked towards the man that the family had literally known for a total of three hours and a half. kevin tried to hide his smile as he nodded.

“i like your sister, she’s a nice girl.”

“i don’t think you get what i’m trying to say,” for an 8 year old, he really didn’t take any shit. his look was stern as he kept his eye contact with kevin strong, only making the small child look 10 times more intimidating. “you can’t do that thing that mom and dad always do, or what harvey did, or jacob or callum. y/n needs someone that loves her and stands by her, because y/n takes care of everyone but no one takes care of y/n.” kevin could feel his chest ache as the words came out of the boy’s mouth, the hard look in his eyes softening revealing the small child that was hidden beneath the gore loving child.

“she’s a good person, huh.” he gestured towards the woman who could just be seen through the crack in the door tucking in fletcher and kissing his head softly. her hands gripping some book and the words falling off her tongue softly. both flynn and kevin sharing the same small smile.

“the best.” flynn confirmed, before patting him on the back and returning to the room. for a moment, kevin had to figure out if he had just imagined that conversation. the 8 year old spoke like a teenager, making it hard to believe that he was so young.

kevin had no desire to break his vow he had made that night and he never did.

---

present

“you know i miss the days i could actually fit into my clothes,” y/n sighed as she leaned back in the office chair looking over to hailey, who let out a giggle. hailey was the only member of the unit that y/n had found in the office, and just so happened to be her best friend. y/n’s hand rested on her rather large stomach that only kept growing, even at 8 months.

“and yet you look stunning, how do you do it?” haley asked, making y/n scoff. she looked a hot mess. she had been on maternity leave for far too long in an apartment alone until someone came home. she had been still working as a nurse until kevin convinced her that it was time to take some time off, which left her showing up the office more and more just so she could tell herself that she had done something somewhat interesting with her day.

“give it a month i will have stains i won’t be able to identify down every item of clothing and hair that i haven’t washed in weeks because i spend all my freetime sleeping.” she recalled the times she was younger and had spent sleepless nights trying to sooth fletch and flynn when they were babies. she had gone to school with far too many vomit stain to count, which only motivated the bitchy girls to point it out daily.

the sound of footsteps hitting the stairs made both of the women turning around. an immediate smile taking over y/n’s face when she noticed the tall man that shared the same grin on his face. his eyes a wild mix of excitement and affection as he quickened his pace to embrace the woman that just managed to push herself off the chair.

“hey, baby,” he greeted, pressing his lips against her’s, before he placed his hand on the bump. “what’s up little man?” he grinned, as the baby began to kick against his touch. kevin was very proud of the fact that he had the effect on the little baby.

“you never know he could be a she.” she argued back, remembering that they had specifically decided not to know the gender of the baby. kevin rolled his eyes jokingly, as he gave her an incredulous look.

“you have 4 brothers, your dad had 10 and your grandfather had 8 and you are seriously trying to tell me that the baby could be a girl.” kevin snorted, earning a light thwack from the woman that he had loved for the past decade. her eyes full of the same light as the day they had met, but y/n no longer kept her burdons locked up. she wasn’t alone anymore, she would never be alone again.

“smart a-.” she tried to speak but a sudden pain raked through her body like a wave. her hand gripped onto kevin’s as she shut her eyes, keeping her breathing calm. “holy shit.” she breathed out, catching the attention of the whole unit.

“what the- what’s happening?” kevin stuttered, watching his wife in so much pain made his heart hurt. but the not knowing made everything ten times worse. hailey walked up behind him, her hand placed on the shoulder of her best friend, as her eyes flickered to the floor. “what is it?”

“i think the baby’s coming.” y/n and hailey spoke in unison, making the soon to be father gasp for air. adam and jay were the first to react, patting kevin on the back congratulating him while hailey ran around looking for her keys.

“i’m gonna be a dad,” kevin muttered slowly, as if the last 8 months and 2 weeks had failed to indicate such a thing. “i’m gonna be a dad!” he began to get more excited until he noticed y/n still slouched over in pain, hailey rubbing her back slowly talking her through it. “oh shit, i should probably do something, what should i do?” no one had seen kevin so jittery, his eyes flicking from each person in the room before hailey chucked him the keys.

“we should probably start with the hospital, big guy.”

“oh yeah, right.” kevin agreed, taking over rubbing y/n’s back as he helped guide her down the stairs and out of the district. hailey and jay following along, ready to welcome their soon to be god child to the world. “let’s go have a baby.” kevin sang, as y/n looked up with a painful smile.

“i love you, you know.”

“i love you more.”

--

after hours and hours of kevin nervously rambling about how excited and nervous he was and hours and hours of y/n telling kevin to shut up. y/n finally began to question how her mother had gone through such a pain 5 times, however when she got to held the small child in the her arms any pain and discomfort was washed away.

“is it safe to come in?” y/n had nearly fallen to sleep when she heard the soft voice call into the room. her eyes flickered over to the door and a large smile pulled across her face and kevin’s when they noticed the familiar faces. fletcher, kai, phoenix, vinessa and jordan all stood in the door way. vinessa was clutching a balloon, while the boys were all holding onto some kind of gift for the baby.

“is the rumour true?” kai asked, as their eyes flicked over to the small baby that was resting on y/n’s chest. y/n snorted, her eyes meeting kevin who was still high up on cloud nine despite having been in the same room for the last 30 hours.

“meet evelyn vinessa atwater,” she grinned, her fingers tracing over the small boned human that she was now responsible for along with her husband. she made sure she was looking at vinessa who seemed more than stoked to be part of her niece’s name, being the first one to take steps forward to get a closer look. y/n picked up the baby and passed her over to her aunt, smiling as she noticed the love already in vinessa’s eyes.

“we have someone else that you might want to see,” kai called catching her attention as she noticed the laptop being placed on her lap. her eyes widening as she noticed the black screen morph into the face of someone she missed.

“i heard i have i officially been named the cool uncle,” y/n let out a soft sob as for the first time in the last year she saw the face of her brother. his body clothed out in camouflage print and a badge sewn into the material clearly reading ‘US ARMY’. “hey, big sis.” he greeted her. flynn had enlisted to join the army the moment he graduated from high school, much to the dismay of his sister.

it wasn’t that y/n wasn’t proud of her brother. if you had asked her 10 years ago what she thought her brother would be doing, the army would not have even passed her mind. but she knew that she couldn’t protect him when he was out in the middle east fighting for their country.

“hate to tell you, dude, but that title has already been claimed.” phoenix challenged, as he appeared besides y/n with baby evelyn in his arms. flynn didn’t hesitate to flip his older brother off, who seemed to just laugh it off.

“you doing alright out there?” y/n asked, pushing herself up slightly but hissing at the pain that lingered throughout her body. it seemed pushing a living creature out of your body wasn’t as easy as the movies made it look. her eye’s were slightly weeping as she looked at her brother who was not the same boy that she had diapered, he was a full fledged man now. she couldn’t have been prouder.

“i will be when i get home and can teach my niece how to annoy her dad.” at the mention of him, kevin appeared in  front of the camera, giving his brother in law a long stare that caused the whole room to crack up. “you know i expect the next kid to be named after me, flynnigan junior sounds cool, right?” kevin and y/n looked at each other with wide eyes, mentally telling each other that that was one of the worst ideas they had heard. hearing her brother chuckle over the line, she felt 18 again. “listen i have to go, but i will call again i promise.” y/n didn’t want to say goodbye, but she knew she had to.

“love you.” she smiled, a couple tears trickling down her face.

“love you too.” and just like that the call ended and y/n was met with her reflection. closing the laptop, she noticed that the only one’s in the room were her, kev and evelyn. looking towards kevin she didn’t have to say much, as her eyes said it all. her fingers reaching out to her daughter’s, that effortly wrapped around one.

“thank you,” y/n blurted out, looking up at kevin with nothing but love. “i don’t think i ever said thank you for saving my life all those years ago. i didn’t know it till later, but you pulled me out of the deep end before i even knew i was drowning. you changed my life, kevin atwater.”

“i love you, mrs atwater.”

“i love you too.”

[anyu-blue]

Busy as a bee

~

*sigh*

I had this big long thing typed up.. it's all gone now. That's twice it's happened. Let's see if third time's the charm.

It was about my trying to figure out how to talk about the shit I've been going through without just dumping it all on someone and having it be totally unjustified too...

I'm mad at my dad. I'm mad at Tevs... I'm mad at myself.

Basically...I'm frustrated that I'm seen as so much lesser than everyone else.

I know it's like 'no you're not!! You only think you are!! They love you!!' ... I've been smacked both literally and figuratively for saying 'you guys treat me different/unfairly compared to x'... But.. gods at this point I. Just. CAN'T keep believing them or telling myself that when the evidence is right in front of me. I feel like I must have done something REALLY BAD and BIG for everyone to pull away so hard... But at the same time... I... Can't figure what it is or how. I've asked too, but the closet I've gotten to an answer is 'You're too much, Meek.'

I know I sorta... Became a worse recluse than I was (kinda I'm response to that. Trying so hard NOT to be too much)... But I kept telling and telling and telling I was available and offering what I could and more... I kept trying to deal- if I need something I would provide in return, just name the price... Did I forget or fail to follow through with something? Or something? No one can think of anything to tell me that didn't have a legitimate reason if ever I did (as good as or better than they have given me) that I shared up front and sometimes in advance with them. I even went into detail about what might happen if I am asked for help on a bad day- I tend to be a bit grumpy if woken up, but will still be there to help and will apologize for any harshness as I am going about it. I do that- but... Nothing.. and every single person has offered and practically forced (in W0lfie's case) all of the stuff I've asked for onto anyone but me. Need help finding/getting a good word in for work! Sure!! *Gives me links to indeed and Job service sites I'm already on/refuses to say my application is in the mix for positions at their workplaces or downright says they don't know if I'm a good worker even though I gave them my sick day and late count and all that fun stuff to pass off or downright doesn't tell me there's a good opening they know about*

Oh such-and-such is happy where they're at? So-and-so Can't hold a job because they keep quitting? *Gives information about good jobs and puts in a good word for them and sticks their neck out to get them hired.. is surprised when the offer is rejected by the family that says they're already okay with their current work or the unreliable friend they got hired quits*... Oh woe is me, I need help and there's no one to turn to!! *Refuses to call me knowing I have the day off, have my phone on, and have said I'm free that day... Asks literally every other person even the ones that demand payment for the job or can only do a part of it.. or just ends up doing it themselves by dropping another important obligation instead of calling me*

:(

The most common excuse for that last one is. 'oh I didn't want to make you more stressed.'

Um... I offered? I was here the whole time? What...?

*sigh*

I suppose I wouldn't be thinking of that stuff or be so upset by it all except for the fact I'm told these things and then I'm shown (and told) this last week people think I'm EXTREMELY lazy...

My dad and everyone else wants me to/thinks I should work more than 3 days a week... Or should get on disability if it's 'that hard.' Obviously they've never tried and seen THAT shit show... I have looked into it. Not only have I gotten treated like something to be disgusted by friends, family, medical professionals, and jobs alike (because it's oh so despicable to be on social security while young and spry- even though I have medically frail on my damn chart I'm apparently 'young and spry'- fuck you) when I've tried to pursue it, also being on it ISN'T a cake walk.. the restrictions. The WORK you have to do (and the work you can't do!! I'm right in the middle and technically can work too much for disability, but not enough for getting by on my own). The shit you have to go through... My own therapist told me some programs I could pursue would put me further behind where I am and I could possibly never get out... And she was the one that pushed me to get foodstamps, so it's not like she thinks they're hooey...

My dad thinks me working 3 days a week and refusing to do more lest I break down all the time is just.. lazy.. unfortunate... Stupid. He wants me to take all these homeowners and car buying and loan classes... Like I'm EVER going to be able to afford a single one of those things.. or think it's a good idea to throw down $25-$150 a pop for a class, let alone spend 8 hours taking one (I'd love to and think they're amazing things, but uh...)... Like somehow it'll 'convince' me to 'work harder'.

DUDE.

What.

The.

FUCK.

Is WRONG with you?!

I get it... I seriously can't work more days a week. If I do, I completely spiral out of control from the pressure as well as the guilt from spiraling and and.. you get the idea. I just do. I know I do. And I found my balance in 3 days on.

It's pretty easy to think 4 days off are, well.. 4 days off. 4 days to play. 4 days of freedom. But... I make things... I've made two blankets already. One more I'm working on.. usually AT work because I'm so busy. Birthday gifts. Christmas gifts. Holiday gifts. Trying to do commissions too to get more money in. Also.. em... I'm usually awake during the day to.. make appointments because my health is just a mess.. helping the friends that HAVE asked for help... Running errands because I can't at night (partly due to Covid changing everything's hours)... Or if I HAPPEN to get to.. I'm sleeping because I'm on a night schedule.. at night if anyone had need of me I'd be right there!! But guess what, THEY are sleeping. If I actually have a night off (which I haven't in nearly a month now because I CAN go over to my friend who needs help's house at 5 in the morning.. after I drop W0lfie off at work or I'd be there sooner.) I'm DOING things. Wednesday itself happens to be dedicated to FIXING my sleep schedule that I screwed doing everything my sisters need or want me to do during the day... It's up to ME to screw MY sleep so THEY can get or have what they need/want... Never mind they refuse (with legitimate reasons) to do the same for me (though I have legitimate reasons I could say no as well, but ooooh I'm the 'bad guy').

*rubs face* I'm so busy my mind and body is screaming at me in pain. Sooo lazy 🙄

But yet I'm shit because I refuse to work more.

Idk what it is, okay? I. Don't. Know. Maybe it's the fact that I'm Autistic and something overloads that hasn't been address like ever and so has only gotten worse (this is my guess), or the PTSD is doing something (my therapist's guess--- which not to derail but WHO ELSE IS IN THERAPY IN MY FAMILY?! you want to guess? That's right, NO ONE... No one is even TRYING to deal with theirs, and I don't just mean the pandemic. Big sister had it as bad, if not worse than I did. Refuses. Dad and step mom knows they do. Little sister scared. Little bro disinterested. 'There's no time' or 'costs too much' despite several having free sessions available to them via their job and Heath insurance- with multiple options- and everyone but little sister making more than they ever have in their lives on top of relying on others to pay any bills they can't keep up on... GRR).. or something else that just makes me become such a wreck. I hate it more than anyone else, you know.. because I have to live with it AND everyone telling me how lazy and lucky and entitled and how 'much' I am.

...

And you want to know what sparked all of this?

Tevs worked a 12+ hour day that ended up having me woken up by the cats that hadn't been fed.

Let me explain... Tevs and I got into it badly after I was continually deprived of sleep because she was working so much and blaming me for 'making' her deal with stuff at home I didn't even know were problems. She continued to explode and explode and treat W0lfie and I TERRIBLY after work as well AND continually told our other friends and family she so desperately needed a vacation and LESS work, and just kept pulling 10, 11, 13 hour days she didn't have to... All while not eating or drinking or having bathroom breaks... and I was DONE with it. I have and had offered to do more, just need to be directed on what needs to be done that I can do while they're asleep (duh) so she had no leg to stand on there... With the rest... She promised to not work more than 10 hour shifts (agreed upon because I have a 10hr shift at work with no breaks too) AND to either let us know in advance if she was going to be late so I could feed the cats, or have someone do SOMETHING to get the cats fed so they weren't deliberately jumping on me to wake me up... You know.. communicate a little more. Do a little better so she wasn't killing herself working. She promised.

Well..

Apparently (new information to me) a promise and Tevs giving her word.. are two different things. Promises don't matter. Giving her word had weight.

What. The. Fuck.

So MY getting upset this last week that not only was she working more than 10 hours... Not only did she not tell anyone about it.. not only did the cats come to wake me up (after I had FINALLY fallen asleep a short while before due to just how BUSY I was that day, and it was Wednesday 😭)... But she also REFUSED to speak to ANYONE and tell her where she was/that she was safe- completely and deliberately ghosting everyone... Until she showed up at my dad's house 12+ hours after the start of her shift in which she didn't eat, didn't drink, and didn't use the bathroom for the entirely duration..

...

I was told to back off. That my upset was unfounded. That I was just like our horrible mother and I was just trying to control her life.

Does that sound right to you?

It does to my dad. I would wager my step mom. All of their friends. And of course Tevs.

Nevermind that W0lfie was just as freaked out and upset... That she actually has a front row seat as to what I go through now/how hard I try to be kind and careful and respectful and relaxed and NOT controlling and finally gets it... And that she's now directly effected by all of it too... And agrees this is MESSED UP as hell...

No.

I'm shit. I need to work more. I need to move out and be on my own. I need to not rely on anyone. I am 'too much'.

Where did it all go wrong?

I now understand exactly why I felt and still do feel unloved. It's because of this stuff... I got smacked and told I was never alone or on my own.. that I had so much support and help... but.. well.. yes I was. My mind and abilities and more belittled or looked over in favor of others to bring up. Everyone is guilty of doing this to me in my family. I won't go into details because it's a lot. Many times.. many bad ones... Often I was told my reality wasn't the truth too. How is that supportive? I appreciate every bit they have ever done for me, but trying to point out where they fell (just like all people do).. I'm suddenly the most ungrateful thing ever.

My own parents rely on each other AND a third party (their son) to pay the bills... My dad's siblings both live with his parents... My step mom's family members live with each other and rely on one another to get bills paid.... Not a single one is forced or really suggested to go room with randos if they can't do it on their own. It was brought up to W0lfie that it's an option for her this last week... But guess fucking what she got that I didn't AS WELL as that.. "We'll always have a place for you here."

I did get that when I was younger and nearly kicked out for refusing to tell my mother I was Trans. I eventually caved, but, HA they didn't believe me. That mess was sorted out.. messily and I got to stay... Lucky me... Not to mention the fact that only NOW I might finally be able to just accept it and not closet myself for the sake of everyone else because I'm THAT done.. yay therapy. I'll accept being non-binary because I can never actually be a man the way anyone around me will ever accept or believe.. but I'm not accepting 'being a woman'. Screw you peeps XP

...

I don't get that kind of support because I'm their eyes.. I'm too much. Should be able to do it on my own. Too lazy. Too awful as Tevs has managed to paint by completely omitting important details.. I can't say things in a few words. I just can't. Because this is exactly what happens... But regardless.. that's all she ever shares. Just enough I'm a monster. I'm sick and tired of it.

Reminds me...

My dad and mom and the rest of our family would never get birthday gifts or holiday cards or anything if I wasn't around. Same with our siblings. I remember. I make. I remind. I push. But... They don't even know about that. About what I try to do for them that gets twisted to look like it's all Tev's doing because I often can't make it to deliver it myself... And when I do idk.. I guess I do it wrong or something because it's so... Blah of a response.. like they think I'm NOT responsible for it and just taking credit... That hurts. A LOT.

...

I'm going to try. One more time. Once more. With Tevs. Give her one more chance to make and keep her word. To not bulldoze and make excuses and talk me up like some sort of unreasonable monster if/when she doesn't... And one more chance for my parents to hear me out. Get the full story. Get my feelings and experiences in return. On Monday I might have a chance to lay it all out. Maybe. I want to try. And if I get the same treatment.. well.. I think they might just be cut out of my life if I finally make it out on my own like they want. (Hopefully something income based will open up for me.. hopefully... I'm considering looking into a different city altogether to well and truly get away from them.. but that would depend on getting a job too.. bluh)

Ah that's a another thing too though.. the thing is.. I CAN work. I CAN pull 7 days a week, 16 hour days without spiraling!!! Making. I am a crafter. If making dresses or cosplays or embroidering or making blankets or trinkets or... If I was able to do THAT.. I could work and work and work no problem... Maybe even drawing..

But with the stress of this job and my other obligations, I can barely touch those things to even get started... Stick in the rut.. and materials are so expensive if I need anything extra I hit a roadblock... Totally locked in... And it breaks my heart...

I'm not lazy... I'm in the wrong job 😞

[zankivich]

The Arrangement: CEO’s Son/Dom!Shawn x Black Sub Reader Chapter 6

a/n: Hi. I know no one reads this so not really gonna bother. Like if you liked. Reblog if you care at all. Maybe buy my broke as a ko-fi so I can survive this semester? K bye. 

WARNINGS: Soft smut? 

*Shawn’s point of view*

A night out on the town is exactly what he needed. When his best friend Brian flew to town, it meant to clear his schedule and probably have 911 on speed dial for any ambulance like purposes. With the state of his relationship with his dad at the time, he was in desperate need for things to make sense again. And they weren’t. They just fucking weren’t. Enter Brian.

“Shawn motherfucking mendes! Did you miss me? Tell me you missed me!” His best friend snorted practically hopping into his arms in the middle of JFK

“Not enough to carry your dumb ass,  get the fuck of me!” He chuckled.

“I am so fucking excited to be back in this city man. The pussy is just something different out here, ya know? Now if only my best friend flew me out more than once a year.”

He threw Brian’s bags into the trunk of his car and ignored his best, but idioctic, friend.

“Yea, I invite your ass out here more than once a year and my dad will have both of our asses. That’s assuming you don’t kill us first.”

“You wake up in Tijuana one time, and suddenly I’m a bad influence?”

“We were in the fucking Bahamas, Brian!”

“So, not my sharpest moment! I got us home didn’t I?”

“No, jackass, my dad got us home. You got chlaymdia and a fucking sunburn. Now get in the car before I leave your ginger ass here!”

“Fair, that’s fair.”

Brian had been on his soccer team in the first grade. They’d been best friends ever since. When his dad moved the entire family out to California, Brian was with them for every holiday and every break they could find. The two were inseparable. Brian was a jackass, and he got Shawn into far more trouble than he did anything good. But he was his best friend. He’d been there for him, the first time his dad cheated on his mom. The first time he got his heart broken. When his dad had taken everything from him. So, there was a loyalty between the two of them that was unmatched. They’d do anything for each other. Anything.

So, there’s no one else he’d rather sit on his couch with in the middle of the afternoon and smoke the kind of weed that made your knees numb. That’s the kind of friendship he needed.

“What the fuck have you been up to lately?” Brian coughed around the bowl. “I haven’t heard from you in forever.”

He chuckled up at the ceiling which was maybe the most prettiest ceiling he’d ever seen. Wow.

“Man, my dad is totally up my ass about ‘ continuing his legacy’. I like ‘work’ now. Real shit. And then... I’ve been fucking honest to god the sexiest woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. Not enough hours in the day I guess.”

“Yea, what else is new?”

He shook his head. “Nah bro. You don’t understand. Like even I don’t know how I pulled her. She’s thirty years old. My dad’s fucking terrified of her. She got three of the top artists of the year under her belt, and she lets me make her cum until she passes out. It’s fucking addicting.”

Brian passed the bowl, and Shawn worked on taking three big hits, the smoke filling his lungs and taking over his whole body.

“Hold up. You’re fucking the same chick like...consistently? Since fucking when?”

“Since...Since she gave me the best orgasm of my entire life? Since...I don’t know, since my dad makes me so fucking stressed all the time I feel like I’m gonna explode. I mean it man, it’s bad. It’s worse than I ever could’ve imagined.”

Brian, for all the jackass that he definitely was, still turned to his friend and gave him a glance check of wellness. That glance to look for damage, to look for signs of mental distress, of pain. Brian knew. He always knew better than anyone.

“Then why don’t you just tell him to stick his job up his ass, man? You knew you didn’t want this from the beginning. You can get out from under him!”

They’d had this conversation since Shawn had turned twenty-one and his dad insisted he start learning the ropes. The company would be his one day, assuming he stuck it out until his old man keeled over.

“I can’t. He’s got me; we both know it. I either fall in line and get my inheritance next year, or I leave now and I’m fucked. H--He promised he’d give me my masters then. He promised.”

“Yea, but your dad is maybe the most evil bastard I’ve ever met. No offense. I just don’t want to see you waste your life away doing this shit that makes you unhappy only to find out that it wasn’t even worth it in the end.”

“I know man,” He responded glumly. “I know.”

Too somber of a topic for getting high, they each settle a little more bonelessly into the couch and lean on each other’s shoulders as the high take it’s full effect.

“So the Shawn Mendes is fucking the same girl on the daily? You two exclusive or something?”

“Nah man we just...have an understanding. We lead really stressed out lives. I kind of want to boss someone around a little bit, and she wants to not have to give any orders for a change. We just work well.” He shrugged.

“Oh, so it’s just casual sex then?”

“Yea...Casual. Sure.”

“Well, you don’t sound so sure.” Brian snorted. “You catching feelings or something?”

“No! No. I--I’m not, man. She’s just weird. She’s not like the girls I usually fuck around with. She’s a little harder to read.” He shrugged.

“No shit, man she’s fucking thirty!”

He didn’t know if he should tell Brian about Miami. About holding her during the show. How they slept together, just slept, in her hotel room. How it was the most well rested he’d felt in months. It wasn’t the conversations they usually had. Shawn hadn’t had a serious girlfriend in over three years, and there was a reason for that. Women were too much of a headache, always wanted more than you could give them. As long as he was single, he was in control. And it wasn’t like y/n even wanted to be with him. Half the time he couldn’t figure out if she hated him still, if she still viewed him as just an extension of his father. The part of him that wanted to change that, that wanted her to view him at something else, didn’t vibe well with the voice in his head that kept reminding him it wasn’t supposed to matter.

So, they get dressed up. Shawn orders them a car to stop at all the places in NYC that one only went to if they had money, power, fame, or some combo of the three. The city was his stomping ground of sorts. He felt good there, much better than he did in LA. Things can move just as fast in LA, but somehow it feels a little less artificial. Maybe it isn’t, maybe he’s an idiot, but he doesn’t really care. Just needs to not think for a while.

***

*y/n’s point of view*

Friendship dates are instrumental when you work together. It’s important to have a space that isn’t dominated by work or business. So, once a week, as long as your schedule permitted it, you and Tiana would just go for best friend time. It could be  drinks, dinner, a movie, a yoga class when you were both feeling particularly dumb. On this week’s agenda you were taking a sculpting class. You liked clay, and Tiana liked the fact that they served wine. It was easily a win-win situation.

“So… How was Florida?”

Your hands stumbled on the piece of clay you had been in the middle of scoring and you definitely ripped a whole in it. Idiot.

“Florida? Why do you ask? What happened in Florida? Nothing.”

She raised an eyebrow and stared at you like you were crazy. Maybe you were crazy.

“Bitch is you crazy?” She snorted.

Fair.

“Bitch you the one asking dumb ass questions.”

“Mhmmm . . . So I spoke to Mike the other day.”

You paused in your work and looked over to see her twirling her little wine glass in her hands like the rude little gremlin she was.

“Is that so?” You huffed. “Spit it out, wench.”

“Oh don’t mind me. My niggas barely uber to see me. Let alone fly by jet.”

“Oh for fucks sake. You and Mike gossip more than my mama and her friends.”

She cackled and took a sip from her glass. “And we love it, sis! Now if you don’t unbunch your soaked ass panties and start sharing details, I swear fo’ god. What are best friends for anyway?”

“There is nothing to tell, heffer.” you sighed going back to your precious clay. “He just needed some very specific release and came to Miami to get it.”

“Yea? Well Mike says he stayed through Orlando.”

“Mike needs to keep his mouth shut before he gets fired.”

“Why would you lie to me of all people. Who am I gone tell about you and Shawn Mendes’ rendezvous?”

You rolled your eyes and threw your tools to the table. In hindsight, Shawn had been burning a whole in your mind the past few months. And you hadn’t talked about it all, had no one you could really share it with. Tiana was your ride or die. If there was anyone in the world you could talk to? It was her.

“Okay. Okay fine.” You sighed. “I was kidding though. He was really frustrated and he didn’t want to wait for me to come back to NYC. So I jokingly told him he could come to Miami. I didn’t know his ass was going to show up! And when he did...we fucked at first. And it was fine. It was good like it always is but then…”

“Oooo. Bitch don’t clam up at the good part. What happened next?” She encouraged.

“You know when Ariana does needy and the moon rises and it’s like kind of a romantic, maybe sad, bop?”

“Yes?”

“Well...You know how I get into my feelings sometimes. I guess I maybe leaned my head on his shoulder a little bit. And then he--he wrapped his arms around me. For the rest of the show. Even Break free. Didn’t take his arms away the whole time... That’s weird right? Like why would he do that?”

“Because he has sipped from the valleys of the African diaspora  and he is hooked, bitch!”

Tiana bust out laughing getting them dirty looks once again from the white women who came there to nurse their minor alcoholism. Oh well.

“Very funny. I’m serious, Ti!” You whined. “I don’t...do this. I don’t know how to do anything but hooks up. And with a man almost six years younger than me?”

“So you want to date him?”

“No!” You hissed beneath your breath. “No...well I mean I don’t know. It doesn’t matter because he doesn’t want to date me okay. It was just a lapse in judgement.”

“Yea, okay. I’ll be the judge of that. Tell me what the hell else happened?”

“Well we spent like three or four days together. And he just kind of hung out while I worked. And we had sex...a lot. Like three or four times a day. It was so intense. And then every night for the show we would go out and watch and he kept putting his arms around me. What the fuck does that mean, Ti? ”

“It meannnns he likes you bitch.” Ti rolled her eyes. “What else could it mean?”

“You know who we’re talking about here. It’s Shawn. Shawn doesn’t do anything but get women into bed with them. We both know that.”

“Yes. We also both knew that he didn’t hook up with a woman more than once. You two have been screwing longer than most of your past relationships. So let’s stop pretending that we’ve got this white boy squared up when obviously we don’t.”

You sighed letting your face come to rest on your clay covered hands.

“I just...I can’t afford to let him catch me slipping, Ti. Whether I like him or not doesn’t matter. I can’t let his dad get in the way of my goals.”

Tiana nodded and placed her wine glass down to take your hand in hers.

“Girl, I get it. White men are trash and as much as we make fun of them, there is a fear there that we cannot let go of. But you cannot, I repeat, you cannot let that man dictate your life. He’s not worth it. He’s had not a damn thing to do with your success, and he will not lead to your downfall. Now if Shawn turns out to be more than what we thought he was, then let that be enough. Don’t ruin it for Manny’s sake. He doesn’t deserve that much of your energy.”

And that was why she was your best friend. She was the most intelligent person you knew. She was funny and wild and crazy, but she kept you centered in a way that no one else could. And she always made shit make sense. Even when you were fought it with every fiber of your being. There was no use. Tiana was always right.

“Yea, okay. Let’s just let it die for now. I don’t think even Shawn knows what he wants yet tbh. No reason for me to think too much into it now.”

“Whatever you say sis. whatever you say.”

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

It’s dark. There are bodies everywhere and the strobe lights illuminate a face every once in awhile. Brian’s talking to some blonde that’s five inches taller than him. There’s a brunette to his right that keeps whispering in his ear and playing with his hair. He’s not drunk enough for this. His whole vibe is off, and he’s not quite sure why. Why can’t he fall back into who he’s always been.

“Do you wanna take me home tonight?” She murmured wrapping one of his curls around her finger.

He snorted. “I don’t exactly take people home sweetheart.”

“Oh...Well, do you wanna come over to mine? I live close by.”

“Yea, maybe later. I’m gonna get another drink, you want one?”

“S--Sure. Thank you.”

He slides off the couch in search of more bottle service. He’s got a feeling that there might not be enough in the state.

Brian finds him searching for answers in a shot glass. He slides his hands sloppily along his shoulders and he already knows what he’s about to say.

“Bro! This chick’s all over me. Can I use your spare room?”

He shrugs. “Sure, whatever man.”

“What about your girl? You ready to go back?”

“I don’t know man. I’m just not feeling it.”

Brian’s eyes widened in confusion. “The fuck is there not to feel? Just pull your dick out and find friction.”

“Just go grab your girl and let’s get the fuck out of here, aye?”

He tried to focus his eyes on his, which just resulted in his head wobbling a little bit. Shawn sure hoped he didn’t have whiskey dick, cause he’d never heard the end of it.

“You seriously not getting any tonight?”

Oh he was getting some. Just not the likes of what NYC’s latest size negative two of the month had to offer.

Apparently Blondy and Brunette are friends. When Brunette finds out Blondy is getting in the car, and she isn’t there’s a little bit of a hick up. Somehow Brian still convinces Blondy to get into the car. His best friend might have at least mediocre game. The ride back is full of obscene kissing noises, and Brian trying to convince this poor woman he’s going to be able to make her cum tonight. Home couldn’t come fast enough.

Shawn: come over.

y/n: oooo I feel like Cinderella being cuarted at the ball.

y/n: Negro it is one am. No.

Shawn: I’ll send you a car. Come in those horrid little fluffy pjs I saw in your suitcase in Orlando. Idc. I’d get you a pumpkin carriage but I think the dealership might be fresh out of those.

y/n: YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THOSE. YOU WERE NOT INVITED TO THE TOUR.

Shawn: Please? I’m too drunk to argue with you. My best friend is about to seriously dissapoint this poor woman tonight in my guest bedroom, and it’s gonna fuck up the whole vibe of my space. Some good sex must be had tonight.

y/n: the amount of bullshit that comes out of your mouth on a daily basis. Truly remarkable.

Shawn: I’m sending you a car. You don’t even have to take your bonnet off.

y/n: You are not fucking me with my bonnet on. My black grandmama anscestors would haunt my ass with negro spirituals for the rest of eternity.

Shawn: Noted. I’ll see you in forty five?

y/n: Ugh. Whatever.

Fucking finally.

***

He’s still in his jeans from the club and reclining on his bed as the alcohol races through his system when the app alerts him that she’s on her way up from the lobby. Thank god for fancy passcodes that mean he doesn’t have to let her in. He lurches up out of bed to meet her at the door. His guest bedroom is on the other side of the apartment, and he’s hopeful that the sounds won’t make it over to them. He just wants to focus on her tonight. Nothing else.

Since their weird little bubble in Florida, they hadn’t talked about any of it. Y/n arrived back in town and immediately asked to be tied up, gagged, and whatever else meant that they were focused on nothing but the bedroom. It didn’t hurt his feelings at all. This is what they were good at. This was the whole point of everything that they were right? Not to make things complicated but just to fuck and to let themselves release everything out into the bedroom. And that’s exactly what they were going to do tonight. He would make sure of it.

On the other side of the door, she’s standing there in tennis shoes and all silk pajamas. It’s a short and camisole nighty combo that he has every intention of ripping with his bare hands. But it’s cute. She’s cute.

“You went out tonight.” She notes, her eyes raking over him until he’s twitchy and needy.

He nodded. “Yea.”

“Did you hook up with someone?”

Something about the fact that he’s had something to drink just tells him to be honest. He can see her, maybe even more clearly than he was used to, and he had not a single ability in the world to bullshit her anymore. Not tonight.

“No. No I didn’t. There was a girl there who tried, who wanted to come back with me, and I--I thought about it. I did.” He hummed. “But I texted you instead.”

He can tell she wasn’t ready for the honesty. He can see the way her jaw untightens just slightly, the way she relaxed just barely. Who the fuck is either of them kidding?

“Explain to me why I’m here again?” She asked cocking her hip against his door.

She had braids in again. He didn’t know how to tell her that he’d been thanking God for protective styles since she flipped them over her shoulder that one time while she rode him into her desk chair. He was dangerously drunk.

“Stop talking. Come here.”

He cups his palm around the back of his neck and pulls her lips against his. She releases a little half whimper half sigh when he bites her bottom lip and moves his tongue to where she needs him to go. They’re still halfway in his apartment and halfway in the hallway when he pulls her legs up around his waist and presses her into the wall next to his doorway. But she still gives him everything that he needs instantly. Still pushes her hips against his. Still scratches at his scalp like no one ever has. Still had a grip to her thighs that makes his mouth water and his dick hard. When her ass is filling his hands and then some, there’s not a question. That woman from the club wasn’t going to give him this. Wasn’t ever going to be able to make him feel the way that she could. So why fucking lose this?

He slammed the door shut and took her back to his room, body laid out perfectly amongst his sheets. His fingers reach for his belt, and she’s giggling as she kicks her shoes halfway across the room. She’s really beautiful when she smiles. Fuck.

She went to reach for her camisole and he was hopeless but to stop her. His hands locked around her wrists pinning her to the bed. And she peered up at him with those big ass eyes of her, wild and brown and blown with lust. But her skin is soft as a fucking feather. And her cheek bones sit high and prominent and perfect. Her lips are thick and plush and he knows there’s no filler in them because every time she kisses him it’s like heaven. And he’s drunk. He’s so fucking drunk. The problem is that way too much of it is just her, and that never used to be reason enough

He kisses her. But it’s not like it was at the doorway. It’s not like the first night they spent together, or any of the other kisses after that. It’s soft. It’s slow and methodical and searching. Her eyes flutter close and she parts her lips and this time her tongue is leading the charge. But he doesn’t stop her. Would never want to stop her from kissing him like this. His hands go lax on her wrists and she reaches to pull him closer instead. They fall flat on the bed, her body wrapping around his. He loses himself in her kiss, in her touch. She’s just there filling up every space that’s ever existed in his life And he wants her. God does he want her.

“Shawn.” She mumbled against his mouth.

“Shhh. Let me touch you.” He begged.

Her eyes softened and she nodded allowing him to rip that pretty camisole he’d been thinking about since he opened the door. That’s as rough as it gets. When he’s met with the soft skin of her breasts he can’t do anything but be tender. He roles her nipples between his thumbs, licks along the valley of her sternum, and her moans are incredible. He’s stuck on her. And the one way to work through that, the only way to not fall consumed by her, is to touch and lick and kiss. And she lets him. Lets him and lets him and lets him.

“Touch me.” She gasps.

And so he touches.

***

The sun streams through his curtains, and it’s the second thing that wakes him up that morning. The first is the warm body pressed against his chest. When she wakes up in the morning she stretches her whole body, but it all originates from her spine. It makes her look a little bit like a fish out of water, or a mermaid. But he kind of likes it. This time her stretch sends her deeper into his arms, and he’s totally okay with that. Her eyes open and they stare at each other. It’s silent. Just the two of them. After that.

“Hi.” She whispered snuggling a little deeper into his pillow.

He licked his bottom lip, voice tired from lack of use. “Hi.”

“Do we....Do we talk about what that was?”

“Really? This early and you already wanna talk?” He smirked.

“It’s in my blood. Don’t make fun of me.”

She flicks his bicep and it’s the most ridiculous thing he could ever imagine. It’s too early to deal with her ridiculousness.

“I’m hungry.” He sighed and rolled over onto his back.

“Well get to cookin. The movie where the black woman serves the white man is a straight to dvd feature, and I am only interested in box office hits.”

“Well that sounds lovely, however I meant much more of the, ‘you riding my face until you cum’ type hunger. Or is that not high enough at the box office for you?”

“Hmm...well we certainly can try!”

He can’t help but laugh as she settles her thighs over either side of his head. Her thighs are things of miracles and he’s just a bit obsessed with them, just a bit obsessed with her. His hands settled on her hips and he can’t help but look up at the way the sun hits her chest and face. She’s beautiful.

His tongue traces languidly at her heat. He’s not interested in driving her up a wall this early in the morning. Just wants to fuck her through the fog of their wake up. So, he licks deep into her. He lets his tongue dip inside and then runs the flat of it against against the entire length of her pussy. Her clit is already erect and at attention. He settles his hands onto her knees and rubs at her thighs. She plays with his hair and grinds slowly against his tongue as they work her towards her release.

“Fucking shit, Shawn,” She whined. “That’s so good.”

He tilts his chin up and follows her shaking hips, his lips attached to her clit. He just wants to devour her.

“Baby I--I’m gonna cum!”

She’s never called him baby before. Not once. And it sparks a reaction that neither of them could have seen coming. He flips her over onto her back--thank god for neck and back day--and chases her pussy like it’s the last coke in the desert. It might very well be.

“Oh--Yes! Yes!”

The knock on the door can’t come at a worse fucking time.

He pulled back and wiped at his mouth eyes still completely zoned in on what’s happening between her legs.

“NOT FUCKING NOW BRIAN!”

Her fingers dig into his hair and pull him back between her thighs. It’s hotter than he could imagine.

“Bro I just need to borrow your jeep for like thirty--an hour--two hours tops !”

He pulled away from her with a slurp. “You touch that fucking jeep and it’s the last thing you’ll ever do!”

“Melanie has to get to a study group for her philosophy class!”

“Who the entire FUCK is Melanie?!”

Her fingers are in his hair again. She leans up to nuzzle his throat with her perfect lips and take his ear lobe between her teeth.

“Can we please? You got on a private jet to visit me in Miami. I think a jeep is the least of your concerns.”

He whined and nuzzled back against her softly. “I love that car.”

“Maybe work on loving this pussy a little more?”

Well that was certainly doable.

“Yea, okay.”

*five minutes later*

“Okay! Well uh...I’m just gonna take the jeep. I’ll bring it back, bro promise!”

He pulled back one more time. “Get the hell out of here, Brian!”

“Jesus Brian! GO!” She yelled in unison.

….

“Tough crowd!”

***

“Shawn, I’ve got to go!” She giggled.

He was much more interested in kissing his way along her neck and collarbones.

“Mmmm. No.”

“I have a brunch with a very important client, and thanks to you I’m going back to my house in a dumb man shirt.”

He snorted and ran his tongue along the length of the collar.

“This is saint laurent.”

“This is me leaving!” She insisted tugging out of his grasp.

He followed her to the door, the length of her braids only bringing more attention to the way her ass swayed in those shorts. Jesus.

“Can I ask you something? Before you go?”

She paused at the door and turned to him, letting her back rest against the wall.

“Sure.”

“You felt it last night, right? I’m not crazy, am I?”

She bit her lip, and shook her head softly. “No, you’re not crazy. I felt it.”

“And it means something, right? It is something?”

It takes a little longer to get a response out of her. But slowly but surely she nods at that too.

“Yea. I think it is.”

He took a deep breath trying to discern for himself whether he was about to fuck everything up. When his fingers mold to the apple of her cheek and she peers up at him with these big, soft eyes he knows there was never any choice for him. He’d been kidding himself since the beginning. This time when they kiss neither of them are holding back.He lets himself be gentle. He holds her against his chest and he doesn’t think at all about the consequences, or what it might look like. He just wants to kiss her silly. He does. She does the same for him.

He pulled back to check for fear of hesitance in her eyes. There is none. How is there none? And so he just...goes for it.

“I like you.” He admitted softly. “Like a lot.”

She ran her thumb along his lip, tugging at it  until it smacked back into place.

“I like you too. A lot.”

Her eyes are warm and soft even now. She’s so inviting and she just seems to pull the truth out of him with ease. He just wants to be honest with her. Even when it’s scary. Even when it doesn’t make sense.

“Well uh...I’m not gonna lie I don’t really know what it is you see in me. I--I know what I am. And I know what I can offer. For some girls it’s enough, but for you...I don’t know that it could be.”

“You don’t need to talk down to yourself to get me to like you Shawn.” She murmured.

He snorted. “I know that. I’m just saying what we both know. I know I can be an asshole, and a cocky asshole at that. But I can’t even think of touching a woman who isn’t you. I’ve never had that happen before. Not in my whole life. I guess I just--fuck. Will you go out with me? Like to dinner? As human beings that don’t just make each other cum.”

“Dinner hmmm?” She hummed.

“Yea, dinner.”

“You really want to be seen with me in public? What would your dad think?”

“I don’t...I don’t care what my dad thinks. I want to take you to dinner. Do you want to go with me?”

The pause she takes is long enough to kill him. For sure it is.

“I...Yea. I do.”

It brings a smile to his face against his better judgement. He didn't usually do smiles. Really got in the way of his image. A look of smug indifference was his go to. But this woman was quickly ruining everything he ever thought that he knew.

She lets him kiss her against the door. Let’s him hold her face in his hands. It feels good. Feels right.

“Hey, if we go on a date it’s not gonna stop you from domming me is it?”

He laughed. “Of course not.”

“Okay. You can kiss me again.”

“Thank you.”

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Arrangement Taglist: 

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@claredolphinbear24 @peterbrokenparker @shawnase @blackharry @shawnwyr @speakingofmari @moniehp 

[pilot-boi]

Shouting In Cafes: Chapter 15

Invasion

There had to be laws against this, right? This was breaking and entering

AO3 LINK

Neptune was considering deleting Instagram off his phone.

He never used it. What was the point of having an app that you never used? It just sat there, looking pretty and taking up space that his dying and outdated phone desperately needed.

He only had, like, 500 followers anyway. It’s not like anyone would miss him. He only posted once every two months to show off places he went with his mom, places Jaune forced him to go, and places he went by himself.

And the people he followed only served to make him feel bad about what he was wearing, how bad his skin was, and how he was very quickly running out of money.

He didn’t need it! He for sure didn’t need it. Really.

He clicked on the app.

Sun’s page popped up.

He found himself scrolling.

God, Neptune was pathetic.

What had he said to himself just a few weeks ago? Don’t fall for another straight guy, you fucking idiot, you’re only going to live to regret it. Yet here he was. Falling for another straight guy.

This picture of him from June was nice, though. Sun at the beach, posing as he had to because he’s Sun, wearing stupid and absurdly colorful swim trunks, tan lines outlining where a T-shirt might be, literally every muscle visible, pink tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth. God, he was ripped. Neptune didn’t think it was physically possible to be that ripped.

Neptune had seen this picture maybe five times in the last two days. Why should he deprive himself of the joy of beautiful people?

He sighed. Because he was torturing himself, maybe.

Scattered amongst the solo pictures of Sun and numerous selfies were pictures of him kissing a girl’s cheek, carrying a girl on his back, grinning for the camera with a date with melty ice creams in their hands.

Neptune scrolled past those.

Ugh.

Should he text Sun? It had been two days since they had last spoken. Two days filled with anxiety and bad beers that Neptune didn’t even like and half drunken rants to Jaune. Poor Jaune. He needed to stop laying everything on Jaune.

Neptune still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong with Sun. Maybe he got food poisoning, or kidnapped, or died in a horrible car crash. The last one was more likely than others.

God, why wasn’t Sun texting him?

No, no. He was fine. Sun liked to wait for Neptune to text first.

This was fine.

Everything was fine.

Neptune knocked his head against his phone screen once. Twice. A couple times. Stupid, idiot, stupid. Stop falling for pretty boys that show you a spoonful of kindness, Neptune. Pretty straight boys. It only causes heart break, no matter how good he looks in swim trunks.

A knock at the door sent Neptune’s phone flying out of his hands.

“Jesus, fuck! ” Neptune yelled and dropped to the floor, picking the phone back up with jittering hands.

“Wow, you have a mouth on you!” a voice called from the hallway.

It was Sun. Of course it was Sun. God himself could see Neptune’s pathetic ass and decided to smite him by bringing this horrible, horrible hot boy straight to his dorm room.

“Sun, what the hell are you doing here?!” Neptune yelped as he attempted to put himself back together. How was his hair? Was his hair okay? Were his button up and skinny jeans clean? Was he at least somewhat presentable?

Scarlet was right. This wasn’t how you acted around friends.

“I’m just coming over to say ‘hi’ to my buddy!” Sun said, his voice somewhat muffled through the thin wood.

Neptune managed to pull himself to the door and yank it open. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

Jesus, it was worse seeing him in person. Bright eyes, brighter smile. Dressed like he was going to the beach even though it was getting down to the fifties outside. And, god help him, that awful neon yellow tank top that said SWOLE across his pecs.

Neptune was right the first time. They were very nice pecs.

Said pecs were also bracketed by one large paper shopping bag and one paper holder filled with two cups of coffee.

“What’s all this?” Neptune said.

Sun pushed past him into his dorm room.

“Hey!” Neptune said just as Sun interrupted with,

“I brought snacks and coffee, dude!” He pressed the bag of groceries into Neptune’s hands and began rummaging about Neptune’s room. “You’ve never let me in here before! Wow, it really is clean...”

The rough paper scratched against Neptune’s chin as he set the groceries down onto his bed. He spun around and grabbed Sun’s shoulder before he could set his hands on the mountain of carefully organized papers sitting on Neptune’s desk.

“Please don’t touch my stuff.”

Sun held up his hands in surrender with a crooked smile.

Neptune sighed and let his hand fall to his side. “What are you actually doing here?”

“I really just wanted to hang out with you, man!” Sun said and set down the coffee holder, plucking his out and handing the other to Neptune. “We always go these long periods without talking or texting. What’s up with that?” He took a sip from his coffee, looking Neptune up and down. “Was I interrupting something?”

Instagram was still open on his phone. Neptune slammed his hand down on it as casually as he could. Which is to say not casually in the slightest. “No, you weren’t.”

“You don’t sound very sure.” 

Neptune felt the need to slam his head against something hard. He settled on grabbing Sun’s shoulder and pushing him back into his desk. Sun let out a huge laugh and held his hands up once again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” he cackled.

“Asshole,” Neptune sniffed.

Sun backed himself towards Neptune’s bed and sat down, bouncing a little, and patted the place next to him.

Neptune couldn’t help but let a smile crack onto his face. “What?”

“Sit down! You’re stressing me out, standing up with your arms crossed like that!”

“Fine, fine, fine!” Neptune took a seat on his bed next to Sun. “Really, Sun. What’s with all the coffee and snacks?”

Sun reached into his grocery bag and took out a huge bag of cheetos, popped it open, and began to munch on one. “Well,” he said between bites. “It’s easier to talk over food and coffee and I had something I wanted to talk about.”

“I would object to calling cheetos food.”

“You put them in your mouth and chew. That’s food.”

“You can do the same thing to a pencil.”

“Shut up! That’s not the point!” Sun’s lower lip pouted and his eyebrows pushed together. Like he was genuinely worried Neptune was making fun of him.

“Alright, continue.”

“Anyway,” Sun said pointedly. “I wanted to ask you a couple questions.”

“I- What?” Neptune spluttered, taken aback. “Why?”

“Because I know like nothing about you, bro!” Sun exclaimed, flopping back against Neptune’s bed dramatically. “I’ve known you for like a month and all I know about it is that, like, you go to this school!”

“So?” Neptune asked, an eyebrow raising.

“So that’s weird!” Sun complained, rolling onto his stomach and threatening to knock both Neptune and his coffee off the bed. Only Neptune’s reflexes kept them both from having hot coffee dumped all over them.

“What the hell dude?!”

“Sorry, sorry,”

“Like hell you are,” Neptune hissed, shaking his hand where the cup had burned him. He got up and put the cup on his desk, safe from any more of Sun’s flailing.

“Bro, give that back!” Sun exclaimed, shooting up and pinwheeling his arms for the receding coffee cup.

“No way in hell,” Neptune replied, jumping back to keep it out of reach. “You are not going to spill this and get coffee all over my bed.”

“Aw come on, I would never.”

“You totally would.”

“No way. I’ve got like, lightning fast reflexes.”

“Only because you drive like a maniac!”

“I do not!” Sun pouted as Neptune settled into his desk chair. “But whatever, you distracted me, bro! Let’s play a game” Sun proposed, eyes sparkling with what Neptune could only describe as mischief.

There was no way this was going to be good. 

“It’s nothing stupid, I swear!” Neptune was not reassured

Neptune leaned back, sipping from his own coffee as he did so. “Depends on what the game is, and what the rules are.”

Sun smiled. “No rules. We just take turns asking each other questions about the other.”

“Isn’t that just…a conversation?” 

“Well, yeah, but different! You don’t actually have to follow the flow of a conversation like this! You can just ask random stuff without it being weird!”

Neptune considered refusing for a second. He also considered evicting Sun from his dorm room. But he just looked so excited about his dumb plan.

God damn it, his willpower was about as strong as a wet paper towel. At least where Sun was concerned, it seemed. 

“Fine, but I reserve the right to refuse to answer,” Neptune agreed. With setting a rule himself, he gained at least a modicum of control back.

Not that it was likely to matter, knowing Sun. 

“Deal!” Sun chirped, eyes glittering and a smile splitting his face. He flopped down onto his elbows, letting his legs kick behind him, looking for all the world like a kid barely out of elementary school.

Sun gestured to Neptune with a smile. “You first.”

Neptune choked on his coffee, having realized only then that he’d been focused less on how much of it he’d been drinking, and more on the fact that Sun was laying on his bed as comfortably as if he owned the place. On his bed.

Oh dear sweet lord, save him.

[myinnerroomie]

              Today I want to write for pleasure instead of business. I want my mind to be productive, but I am sick of work.  I am sick of all the grad school papers and the stress of getting everything in on time, the stress of applying for this test, and studying for that test. The stress of pretending I care about the Air Force. And for what?  I feel as if I am not doing something to better myself, then I am failing.  In all aspects of life. And for what? What am I trying to accomplish?  What do I want out of life?  The answer is everything.  More than I’m getting.  So I fill the void with military and homework and physical activities.  All of which are healthy right?  What’s the problem?  I can do more.  I am so capable.  I see that. I know that I’m not meant for this.   However, I signed up for it, right?  I’ll finish what I signed up for and move on and appreciate what I learned.  In the meantime, I feel it necessary to point out that I may be jobless in 2 months, maybe not.  The stress of never knowing what is going to happen is real.  And I’m sick of it.  However, it pays the bills (quite nicely), I’m staying in a condo by the beach (where I’m sitting on the balcony typing), and it’s frankly beautiful weather and I’ll go for a run later. It’s really my fault that I haven’t found a job yet.  I should never have relied on reserve like this anyway.  I have no fear that I’ll figure something out when the time comes.  Actually, life is way better than it really has ever been.  

I’m so free (aside from the military which ironically is the thing that saved me). Oooh.  Let’s get into my early adulthood.  That should be fun.  So, embarrassingly enough, until this past year, I have always had a boyfriend.  We can get into my childhood later, but it probably stemmed from somewhere back then.  I have never thought much of myself.  Figured I’d go to community college like everybody else, then I went to a university like everybody else.  Majored in a stupid (fun) degree.  No real regrets about that though.  My self-worth was based on if people liked me, if I felt I looked good.  I do regret a lot of the actions of that sad, desperate girl.  Nobody understood, and I was good at faking it.  I did things that I have never admitted to anybody.  I literally could have been diagnosed with the same disorders as the other kids in the behavioral hospital where I worked.  Only mine weren’t for attention and I was deeply ashamed, so nobody knew.  I educated myself on the consequences of what would happen if I continued on that path, and slowly but surely, I got better.  And sadly, I can’t even celebrate that with anyone.  Shame, guilt, fear, worthlessness, pain – what I used to always feel.  Pride and confusion with all this freedom I have is what I feel now.

I used to think emotions were embarrassing.  I knew I hurt all the time, but I was never taught how to deal with it, so I would isolate myself and feel stupid.  Actually, that’s what I was taught.  Everybody has issues, and I’m not special. Get over it.  Why did it hurt so much?  Why can’t I get over it?  Why am I so miserable?  Why am I even alive?  Everybody dies anyway.  Oh, I know how I can deal with this: weed.  Ahh, there so much better.  Now all I’m thinking about is how I can’t remember what I’m thinking about. Yeah, I should probably go to class now.  Wonder if they’ll know I’m stoned. (turns out that they did).  But I was really enjoying class then. Very intrigued with Maslow’s hierarchy of need.  Hmm self-actualization.  Will I ever know my purpose and get to the point in life where I can fulfill that need??? Nah bro I’m starving…  You think everybody is staring at me eating these chips? -- Anyway, this is only the middle of the story.  I’m not even going to go back to my first boyfriend.  Let’s skip to the second one that cheated on me after 2 years.  Looking back now, he’s gross and bigoted. He was mean to me.  He lied to me.  He cheated.  Everything was an ordeal.  I just constantly lowered myself and made myself small for him.  He, of course, never reciprocated.  I wasn’t worth it.  Because I never showed any self-worth.  One good decision I made was to further my education and move to Hattiesburg for school which he actually made fun of me for doing. Anyway, I remember one time he had just come from the boat or whatever he was doing for work and invited his friend to our apartment.  I went to sit on his lap and he pushed me off and laughed.  I just went to my room and cried while he spent the night with his friend. That’s not me.  I hate I did that.  I hate that’s their memory of me.  Oh well.  I know they still talk shit about me back home.  That’s fine and that’s their problem.

Another reoccurring theme with boyfriends is my lack of any other friends and/or support. This takes me to my second boyfriend. I had been single for less than a year, and I met him.  It was so much nicer at first.  I felt like he cared about me.  He was so sweet.  Finally, everything was reciprocated to me, and I was happy.  I was happy to make him happy.  Again, with my screwed up priorities, man.  But I had grown up a little.  I just had this baseless fear that I would be alone forever.  But, I’m not necessarily the victim.  I did have this notion that I should be taken care of. I never expected to pay.  I expected some sort of money and to pay to go out and about.  That didn’t happen with this guy.  This honestly helped me become independent.  However, over time, he became more and more controlling. He threw me down and hit me in a NOLA hotel and the police were called.  He tore up my purse and a jacket. I remember feeling so much stress because he said he was going to leave me there, and I didn’t know how to get home.  Nor did I want to tell anybody why I was in that predicament anyway.  I thought it was all my fault and apologized and he stayed. How lucky am I? To stay with a guy that hits me and breaks my belongings (He also broke my tent.  If I ever went anywhere, he would be calling and obsessed. I couldn’t enjoy anything because I knew there would always be repercussions for having fun.   I literally broke out in hives at my friend’s house in Jackson one time because I told him no I wouldn’t come back to his place that night and it gave me so much grief.  He said he was going to break up with me if I did not drive back.  But I sure enough stayed my ass up there though. It was still embarrassing.  He threw a boot at me once because I was mad and didn’t want to sleep in the same room as him.  When I told him that hurt and showed him the bruise, he blamed me for acting that way. A few times, I tried to leave to go home, and he would grab me and not let me go.  I would be like if you don’t get your hands off me, I have every right to defend myself.  So I would straight up try to fist fight him to let go of me. He would laugh. Sounds healthy right?  Oh yeah, one time I did not do what he wanted and he threatened to get rid of my cat and locked all the doors to the house so I could not get to MY fucking cat.  So I waited until he got home and he just acted like he didn’t care at all about the strife he caused.  I think I may have even stayed that night at his house.  I hated him but I didn’t know what else to do.              

In the middle of all of this, I joined the military.  So yeah he came to visit me in Texas for graduation then said this was his vacation and that he was going to do what he wanted.  I’m like dude no.  I’ve been locked up for weeks.  It’s my vacation.  Another argument, more crying.  You’re a bitch if you stand up for yourself.  Okay months go on, we break up in tech school.  But I know he has my cat.  I also know he has a place to live.  Again, my fault.  I’m using him cause I don’t really know what else to do.  So I live at his house.  Then move to out of town.  He threatens to leave me again and tells me I’m shitty for moving away.  I move back to his place.  Back and forth, but he just stays and does whatever the fuck he wants with no consideration for me.  Eventually, I just started to dislike him.  I can take care of myself.  I got another place with a room mate.  His presence annoyed me.  I thought he was ugly.  I think that was mutual, and I was like dude:  Let’s end it. It’s miserable.  He agreed.  Easiest break-up ever.  Now did I do dumb things, and normal post-breakup things? Absolutely. Did I still text him a couple times afterwards? Yeahhh.  Also,  I made out with a 20 year old army kid at a bar. And I also slept with a married man.  That was a whole thing.  But most of last year, I have just grown.

I have nobody grabbing my arm now.  If I want to pack up and go hiking somewhere across the country, I’ll buy a plane ticket and go. If I want to hang out with friends, its fun again.  I do not rely on anybody for my self-worth.  2020 was extremely rough for me. I lost my house and all my belongings.  My car flooded in a hurricane (and of course I only had liability insurance).  It has all worked out anyway.  I didn’t even need any of that stuff.  Honestly, I never had the worst life.  That wasn’t the goal of this. You know, to complain.  It’s just that everything has gotten better. Losing everything helps put your life into perspective.  I’m so much more appreciative now.  I look at what I have accomplished and where I came from.  I used to think that everybody was more important than me, and that I needed them to like me and see me as worthy to be around.  Well, that has changed completely.  I don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like me.  That doesn’t make me less of a valuable person.  Everybody is not better than me and I have just as much a chance of being successful as everybody else.  I’m not a “bitch”.  Maybe some folks find me “annoying”, but you’re crazy if you think I will ever make myself small to fit inside anybody’s box that doesn’t like me.  I don’t “deserve it” to be living a miserable life. Life is hard.  Life is beautiful. It’s all about learning, and that’s what I have done. I win.  I’m free.  I can do anything.  While I do regret some of my past, all this has given me the drive to me who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.  Still gotta figure that one out.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

I notice you post quite a bit about your family being extremely poor but also are an adult and seem to write a lot. Do you work to help out your family, or are you unable to? There are jobs out there that involve writing if that’s the extent you're capable of, like if disabilities get in the way of normal jobs. The level of poverty you describe your family dealing with is really depressing.

So...

I spent 11/14 years in one Christian School. There was a hiatus of 3 years of me trying out public school but I got shoved back into RBCS in 8th grade and stayed. I did not not want to go but Sperm Donor said it was a punishment for my behavior, so I’d be forced to be around Bible Thumpers every damn day.

Private Schools in America cost money. Tuition for this place was $1500 a year for kids over 10. I found out my mom’s brother John paid all my former years of education there to try and keep me close to the family(since my Nana was my school teacher) and make sure my mom didn’t go full broke.

Sperm Donor was in a pickle himself at the time. He was in the processes of being arrested for stealing nearly a million dollars from his clients(he was a financial adviser). He only took from the very desperate, disabled clients too. One died because her parents couldn’t afford her medication, because he was stealing their money. We were in a tight spot as a result, though I didn’t know enough until later. He didn’t pay my tuition or book fees($100+).

So he’s carted off to prison a month before 8th grade ends and I’m sent back to my mom’s custody. And my principal(also pastor) calls my mom to inform her that she has a $1600+ bill to pay for my schooling. She definitely does not have that and I certainly don’t either.

Next day at school I get cornered about how stealing is a sin and dishonesty is a sin(instead of blaming Sperm Donor because God forbid the man in prison for STEALING be in the wrong here). I’m offered a chance to lower the bill if I go candy-selling with the rest of the students every Friday. I will get half the profits made and it’ll be taken off my debt. So I told my mom I’d help her out and I went and did it. I ended up having to stay in the school another year where the money added on and I went candy-selling on Tuesdays too to try and make up for it. I’d earn about $50 each time so $100 a week was put toward the debt, meaning $400 a month. 

The chick who was the school/church secretary however, was a bitch who had it out for us. Monthly we’d get notices about how much debt we were in with the school, and one month a student would have $457 and the next month on the first day they apparently had $890. If tuition monthly is about $150 for teen, how did the number shoot up so much? Mine kept getting abnormally higher and reaching into the $3,000s. And I told my mom who then bitched at the school. 

The secretary barely finished high school and the only reason she was in that position that she was not capable of handling alone or at all, was because she was kissing the church’s ass. She had sex outside of marriage on school property and got pregnant and was forced to marry him to save her dignity the moment she turned 18. They kept her very close with guilt ever since. Instead of just leaving, she chose to stay and be a bitch to everyone.

My tuition issue plagued me the entire time no matter how much I did. I was so stressed constantly and letters from Sperm Donor who got to write to me in prison, said the school wouldn’t accept his tuition payments when he re-enrolled me. He said he even got his new fiance to monitor a fund he set up before leaving, and sent the money in monthly for the year he signed on. IDK who to believe because he’s a pathological liar, but the church has also been trying for 4 years to get me back into their fold, popping up at my mom’s house uninvited, trying to guilt trip me with Godly reasons, accusing me of being a ‘whore’ who needs to get right with God all because I wore pants, and using my terminally ill Nana as an excuse. They very much would and have actually taken payments without recording them in the logbooks.

I spent my HS years in debt, working hard to get out of it. My HS teacher actually helped me by letting me clean her house once a month and I’d earn $150 in two days because the house was pretty big. I ended up candy-selling more and more days a week and bringing candy boxes home to sell in the neighborhood.

And it seemed to never let up. The numbers did not match. Somehow my debt was always in the $2000s+ but I was making at least $300 a month? My mom finally snapped and said she’d call the cops on the school if something didn’t change. A month later we get the updates to our accounts and the numbers dropped drastically. My Senior Year and I only had a couple hundred dollars left. And the Secretary was suspiciously quiet from then on and kept to herself and left us alone.

Still, I spent the whole time doing candy-selling for them so much, and having to attend church activities for them, that I never got a job. Candy-selling actually brought in more money than what a teen would be allowed to earn anyway. At the time I was so up the church’s ass and scared to make my own decisions that they said I wasn’t capable of making because I was so young, I had already agreed to continue being the church pianist past graduation and they’d agreed to help me fund college so long as I went to the one of their choice with my friends. They had set up my future vocation(teacher in the their school, pianist in their church) and my future husband(Sam most likely) and I wouldn’t have to do anything but follow rules. And as I was scared, I planned to go along with it.

But then they fucked me over a week before Senior Year ended and when June 5th passed and I got my diploma, I peaced out. We changed our phone number, stopped coming to the door when they came by, and ignored their chances at re-connection. And it was months after I got fucked over when they found out they were the ones in the wrong and tried to half ass an apology to me. Didn’t work.

After graduating, my step-dad demanded I get a job finally. Mind you, his failure of a son dropped out of HS & moved to PA with us and proceeded to rely on daddy to do all his work for him. Daddy got him a job at Weis, he faked being sick so much he was fired. Daddy got him another job at Walmart, he took too many days off and he got fired. He moved out of our house and in with his new girlfriend(after milking 3 of their cash already). This one was a trust fund baby(Bree) who was adopted. Her parents paid for her apartment, her nursing education, and gave her a card with $1,000 on it a month for anything she needed. Step-bro moved in and they wasted that whole card name-brand candy in a week. 

She started skipping classes to go out to eat with him. Her parents stopped by to see if she was doing well because the school became concerned over abnormal behavior. They wanted step-bro out of the apartment and the relationship to end because they said he was using her for her money(he was and admitted it to mine and my mom’s faces) and would get in the way of her goals in life. She refused. They said they’d take away her card if she didn’t. Well, they did. And another month went by with no changes and they withdrew the full payments for the schooling too. She dropped out. And finally the apartment a month after that.

So now she’s homeless and step-bro manages to swindle both of them back into our apartment. They have to sleep on the floor in the living room. Daddy got them both jobs at Amazon with him. The pay was pretty fucking good at the time. There was a year in between there where we had money and were contemplating getting our own house for the first time. Things were going well.

Step-dad didn’t try to help me get a job though. I asked for help because my search went nowhere. Those 3 got transportation every day and I was stuck with walking. We lived on a mountain and all businesses were at the bottom 2 miles away, so I applied to all available businesses within 2 miles, either in person or online. Never got any responses. As it was a bust, my mom just said, ‘help clean the house since they’re gone all day and help be my legs to watch your sister and I’ll consider that your rent’. So I did. Every day. And I hated it. And there are a lot of posts on here from then of me complaining about it.

So I asked him for help and he never did. But he would demand to know why I didn’t have a job yet or why the house wasn’t perfectly clean? And I’m like, “Dude, you leave your dirty clothes everywhere. You don’t take your dishes into the kitchen. I clean in the day, you get back in the evening and trash the place and by the morning when you’re gone, it’s all a mess. You only see mess because it’s all you 3 make all day with candy wrappers and soda cans!”

After year he had a seizure on the floor and had to be rushed to the hospital from Amazon. Epileptic issues meant no more work at Amazon because his job was operating heavy machinery and he kept having small seizures weeks later! Without him there every day to keep step-bro and gf on their toes, they started calling in sick together or skipping work with dumb reasons. They got fired soon after. The job hunt was a failure, but daddy was still getting jobs for all of them! Instead of over the table jobs, they now worked under the table, fixing up houses(sheetrock, spackle, insulation, etc...). Still didn’t try and help me get a job. I didn’t know how to do any of that, but gf didn’t either but they taught her how to do it.

Frankly, it got to a point of me being a live-in maid in exchange for me staying under their roof, while step-bro and gf made up excuses to not have to help step-dad. Sick, business, too tired, whatever they came up with. I remained home, handling my sister’s online education with my mom, cleaning the house, handling my sister’s bullies, handling our shitty inspector, and all that crap.

Step-dad takes in a friend of his who was evicted and homeless so he’s sleeping on our other couch at this time. Kind of easy to forget but we felt bad for his situation as it was his girlfriend who fucked him over.

And then step-dad and step-bro opened their mouths on something they should have avoided. In that place we kept to ourselves. There was shady shit going on. Murder, drug deals, drive-bys, etc. Mom and I left them all alone and turned the other way and they left us alone. 19 years in that place. If a cop came by asking questions of the only white person in the joint, she’d go, ‘we know nothing, we saw nothing, sorry’. But step-dad and Junior opened their mouths and one of the newer guys reported the son and gf because they weren’t on our lease. We got evicted after 19 years of good relations with management because someone inserted an opinion in something he should have stayed out of.

So 30 days to gtfo, no one in the house has a real job with consistent pay, we move in with my mom’s uncle for the time being. The house is huge with many bedrooms but to conserve space, I, mom, and my sister bunk in the same room. Mom and Bethy got the bed and I slept on the floor for 2 years. Step-dad don’t know what the eff he’s doing for months. We’re up in buttfuck Egypt. He and the Tweedle dimwits are still doing what they were doing before but now have to drive 3 hours to and 3 hours back just to make it. Mom is doing surveys online to make extra money. She’s trying to do her best while disabled. I’m helping clean the house as my form of payment. The car fails, money that was being saved up to move out, has to go to that. The next one fails too so that has to be handled and we’re in debt now! Christmases and Birthdays are nonexistent. Her Uncle’s new wife isn’t quite so open to us being there and complains a lot.

Step-dad manages to make a deal with a guy he’s working with. He fixes up a house the guy owns, and works for him on more houses after that, and he’ll get a considerably low payment for the rent monthly. He didn’t do much work and lied to mom about what was done and when all was said and done, we moved in and it was a wreck. Worse than it is now but it’s still pretty effin terrible. No kitchen, the bathroom is half-finished still, no insulation, power problems, you name it. It’s bad. But cheap because the lease shows we owe $20 a month instead of $200 because the guy forgot to add a zero when he was drawing up the contract.

Then step-bro and gf manage to convince step-bro’s grammy to move down to PA and rent a house for them to use. They still don’t have jobs, disabled grammy pays for everything. Step-dad’s couch-dwelling friend gets a new gf and moves in with her. Step-dad is driving 3 hours to work and by the time he gets back, he sleeps for 4 hours and then has to leave again. Finally he starts staying at his son’s place because it’s closer and less gas to spend, but that also means he’s taken the car. We’re stranded here with only a mini mart across the street as the only shop for miles! He makes excuses for why he can’t come up. Mom has so many health problems but hasn’t seen a doctor in 5 years because of this. I haven’t seen one in 6. My sister is the only one with regular appointments because they’re necessary for school. If anything, at least she remains unaffected by this crap.

I too have taken to doing surveys now. If I get 500 pts a day that’s a $5 gift card to target which delivers here. One of the few places that do.

I can’t even work at the mini mart because the man has 6 employees for each day of the day. 1 works with him each day but Monday where he works alone because there’s less rush on Mondays.

No matter how I complain it’s not like I can go anywhere. There’s still a roof over my head and I have access to the internet. Even if I’m cold every day, borderline ill, and miserable, it’s better than being on the streets.

Some poor people are very unlucky. We are those people. The ones where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Step-dad’s been through 4 cars since coming here cuz they keep breaking down and needing to be fixed. My sister’s been sick every other month. Power goes out a lot.

I cope by whining online.

[unnamedjournals]

Quarantine

I should really get better with my consistency here. Last one was after a two year break and this one was ten? ten months? Something like that. Probably has to do with me only feeling inclined to journal when I’m spiraling and need to get thoughts down to try to work through them.

 I was doing good. I pulled out of that spiral back in June. I can’t remember how. I think it was getting a job and working through the problems my partner and I were having. There was a communication disconnect and a lot of stress from several angles that all combined was a Problem(TM). But we got through it, and I think are stronger for it now. They’re a rock for me, and I for them. I feel better when they’re around.

I did eventually get my emotional shit about classes under control, got through a whole semester and a half even. I’ll explain the half in a second.

Somewhere along the way I realized I was mostly getting the chronic pain under control. The combination of meds, chiropractic/massage/physical therapy, and acupuncture was actually helping. I was running (short distances cause I’m still stupid out of shape), I was fighting in LARPs, I was walking and standing for reasonable amounts of time. I felt like I had a normal-ish future possible.

I got a job back in July/August working for the same school district I take classes in. Having money was a big help in not being depressed. So was feeling like a semi-functional human. I enjoyed the job and my coworkers and my supervisor, and my supervisor is rad af, I send him otter memes all the time, and he’s super understanding of my health issues and has been a Bro on the times I’ve had to call in sick last minute or go home early. I really really liked that job. 

Cue statewide shut down. 

Obvi all my events got cancelled. Currently there’s still one scheduled for end of May since it’s outside current shut down rules, and I’m praying it sticks, but at this point I won’t be surprised to lose that one too. 

Work office looked like it would close down because of it. I’m thinking, okay, I just won’t be scheduled, cool I’ll file for the covid relief stuff. All employees in my level of part-time were laid off via email effective the day prior to the email. I don’t know that they’re going try to get out of paying me for the work I did that day. I filed for unemployment but haven’t heard back yet. My supervisor and department boss are seeing about getting us back on contract for when the office opens again but I haven’t heard back yet.

One of my classes this semester was only eight weeks and finished right at the beginning of the shut down, and the other is a lab class. It’s sewing. And they moved it online. Long story short there, I had to drop the class. So no more classes.

My doctor offices that do the acupuncture and massage therapy are either closed or not taking any patients they can’t see through video call. I’ve been taking a lot of extra marijuana to try and compensate for this but the fact is I’m suddenly lacking two thirds of my treatment plan. Meds by themselves are not enough, not by a long shot. I’m in so much pain again, and I feel it rising and getting worse and worse. I wanted to exercise during the shut down since I thought I’d have the time and energy but I have even less energy now and am in too much pain. 

And my partner, who I feel better being around, who I love, who makes everything feel a little okay when they hold me, lives in a different house with a high risk roommate. And I live with my parents, both high risk. My partner has come over twice since shut down anyways, but it’s always a waiting game, when does the need for connection outweigh the anxiety surrounding breaking social distancing rules. For me, it’s always. For them, both times they’ve come over have been like a reset on the need and anxiety goes back to being the bigger player. So I barely see them at all. 

So to summarize, all the good things in my life have been cancelled, lost, or dissolved, and all the people in my life who made it worth living I can’t see. I had been trying to stay busy and entertained but everything is losing its appeal, nothing is holding my attention anymore. I am trying to stay connected to others through calls and stuff but I can feel myself withdrawing from everyone even as I desperately need them more and more.

I’m tired. 

I’m in pain. 

I am not okay. 

Kinda want to die, kinda want a nap.

1:21PM Monday, April 6, 2020

[finderskeepersff]

61. Part 2

Amira is trying to suppress her smile “what is funny?” I asked, I mean none of this is funny and he’s just taking things to heart “just the way he said they have been rude to me, he seems so sad about it. I’m sorry, it’s just cute Cassius. Just stood there making a cute ass point that people are being mean to him on Insta. Nigga, don’t let them get to you. She is with you, that is so funny. What they saying about you Cass?” It was cute the way he said it, he’s adorable “that I look ugly, I ain’t ugly. I know I’m not” ok Amira is right, he is being way too cute “you’re not, you’re my handsome baby. They just jealous of us, don’t mind them” walking over to him “I don’t want to be mean, like I ain’t playing that. I am trying to rebuild myself, now I’m not good enough for you. It’s not fair that I can’t just be happy” I shushed Cassius “stop” placing my hand over his mouth “you are happy, you are ok. Baby you got me, I am with you. I sleep with you at night nobody else. Stop it” placing my arms around his neck “I know, I will be that tough nigga again. Watch” I just laughed, placing my hand on his chest “I just want you happy ok? I don’t care for what they said or what they look like” Cassius pressed a kiss to my forehead “you will never leave me will you?” Furrowing my eyebrows “why would I do that, Cassius I love you, trust me. I love you and only you” Cassius nodded his head “Cass, let’s go out” Kyle said, Cassius looked behind him “I will stay with Sofia” moving back from Cassius “go with him, I will be here” it will get him out of my hair for while, he is so clingy.

Taking in a deep breath turning to Amira “girl, he is so clingy to you. Even when he was sitting at the table, he was resting his head on your shoulder. It’s cute” licking my top lip smiling “he’s aight” I shrugged “he’s aight, girl who you fooling. But I ain’t going to lie to you, Kyle been saying that word on the street is that Cassius has ran off after kicking his family out, people are saying he ain’t shit for doing that. People think he hiding from someone because like in this game, there is always someone waiting to take you down. It’s like if that top boss do happens to go, there is someone there to take it, now Kyle has been to Brooklyn. There is some new guy in town, he’s been taking some patches here and there, now Kyle thinks people are assuming Cassius is running from that but he ain’t. I think it’s difficult for Cassius because at the end of the day, there is always someone watching him, watching us and that will never stop. Kyle deep down needs him back, he feels Cassius is being too free recently. Doesn’t use the French brothers at all, he’s going out alone and walking alone. He’s either asking to be killed purposely or he thinks he’s free, hand on my heart. I don’t think he’s ready to go to Brooklyn, he’s very much on you and wants to be near you. I said to Kyle, do what you need to do so he did but he’s fucked up, ok what I am trying to say. The warehouse in Atlanta has got raided by people and all the money and drugs they had there has gone. And Kyle doesn’t know what to do, I don’t know how to advise him and he’s like a lot of money has gone and he doesn’t want to tell Cassius but it’s showing they are weak by not getting back at them. It’s a mess, we have lied to him to make it seem ok” the only thing I could do was release a deep sigh, a very deep sigh that this is not good “I don’t know what you want to do, you’re his prime carer” now I feel obliged to say something.

“You been quiet for a while now?” Amira said, I mean what does she want me to say “so Cassius goes out the game for what, a few months and it’s all collapsing around him? If I tell him this he will up and go, I don’t want that. Yes Cassius does go outside, he’s outside our home! The fuck do they want him to do? Why can’t they just leave him alone” Shaking my head as I logged onto my Insta to see what is popping off, I mean whatever was said has upset my little bald headed baby “he’s the brains behind it that is why Sofia, he’s so clever. Kyle ain’t him and I have told him that, people are scared of Cassius. Kyle is nothing” my cousins from Barbados are the cutest, I miss them so much “what you smiling at girl?” Amira jumped down from the counter “my cousins from Barbados, I kind of announced I’m having my second child and well. They are just so happy, I miss them. Also I got a weird text, someone sent me happy thanksgiving and I don’t know that number” changing the picture to Cassius and I so I can read the comments “did you not reply? Reply to it, it’s got to be someone you know” taking in a deep breath I mean the comments ain’t bad “I will, Cassius is just fussing for nothing. It’s because someone put just beautiful and you can do better, and someone put here he ugly” Amira snorted laughing “ok that was rude, fuck them. Cassius is a goodlooking man. Kyle even said how many women wanted him” I shuddered at the throught, I mean it figures on why Cassius clung onto Celine. Someone his age “yeah” I drifted off “but back to this situation, I think Kyle should tell him and then I will pick up the pieces. He’s going back to that life, I need to know how he will be so tell him that” it’s a big test for him I know.

You know when you’re watching something but you’re not taking it in, that is me right now. Kyle and his father in law are shouting at the TV, they are desperate for them to win whatever team they have chosen but I sit here mute. I didn’t get the chance to do such a thing, to have fun and watch this. I was glad to get some leftovers, even then that was nothing. I like these events but it’s also bad memories for me, I never got to be normal and I feel weird now that I am. I just feel pointless, I don’t know “you see that bro” Kyle hit my shoulder, I smiled “yeah” I laughed it off, I mean I got to play it off I know what is happening. This is what men do, drink and watch football “you remember when you bought me those basketball game tickets” I looked over at Sofia “I do yes, it was a good day. You had fun” nodding my head “I did” I drifted off, all the money in the world and I never treated myself to that. Brooklyn Nets, I am a fan but only because it’s Brooklyn, when did I get time to support them. Rubbing my head, I don’t need bad thoughts like I wish they would leave me alone. Looking up as they all shouted, I can’t do this, no wait I can “I can do this” I said to myself “what?” Sofia said at the side of me, this whole notmaility thing outside of rehab is daunting to me. Henry said things will feel it, I will feel different because I am me and I don’t like me so how can I just live, it doesn’t make sense at all “come, get up” Sofia said as she got up from the couch “Amira you ok with holding Cartier? I will be back, come on Cassius” where the hell we going.

Kyle and Amira do not look after their garden, it’s a mess and the flowers are dying and that is bad “you come here to show me flowers?” Sofia smiled shaking her head “I come outside to talk to you, you seem very stressed in there” nodding my head “I suppose” I said in a whisper “talk to me” she said talk to her but I feel bad in saying things “just feels different, you know. To be normal in there, to feel things. How do you do normal, I’ve always been high or somewhat numb to it. I just want to be in your world” Sofia cooed out “I want to be in your world too, that is fine Cassius. To experience new feelings is good, something you didn’t get to do or have. My heart aches for you Cassius because” Sofia sighed out “no matter what you do, your name sticks. You have this stuck to you, you’re a dealer. Well the boss but this will be always stuck with you and no matter what you do you can’t escape that” putting my head down “I know I’m being watched, I was in the barbers and the guy was sat waiting to have his hair done but he was there watching me, I’ve been getting watched since I come back, when I’m out there. I know I can’t escape it, this is why reality is not good to me. It’s only good in your world and to get into your world I have to be with you and to be with you I need to be home. I knew I was being watched and I still left on my own” I have known for a while “you’re really hurting me” Sofia said “I didn’t say because why would I, I’m a grown man I can handle myself” I really knew but never said “it proves that mentally Cassius you’re there. You know what you’re doing, I look into your eyes and I see you’re lost, hurting. Talk to me” nodding my head “being normal sucks, my reality sucks. That is it” Sofia’ face softened “but with you I’m ok, I just want to be with you” Sofia walked towards me “come here” Sofia opened her arms “reality does suck but baby” resting by head on her shoulder “but baby you got me, Cartier, Kyle and Amira and all my friends. We all love you, I get that you have been drugged up to be this machine but even the strongest people break, I know you Cassius and I know you are a very clever man. Just that the world doesn’t deserve you” closing my eyes, just to be in Sofia’ embrace.

We have been here for so long, I just want to go home “Cassius, it’s Raphael. He needs to speak to you” Kyle said “you speak to him” I said “I don’t want to speak to him! I want to speak to the boss!” Kyle has him on speaker phone, the room is so eerily quiet now but luckily everyone is asleep besides Amira and Sofia and also Kyle “I couldn’t talk to him Cassius, I’m sorry” why is he apologising “Cassius my friend, you stop hiding” licking my top “I’m sorry bro” taking the phone from him, taking it off speaker phone “yes” I answered “what the fuck!” He shouted in my ear “you had me dealing with amateurs! He is not you, he doesn’t know how to move anything! What the fuck!! You motherfucker, playing games?” I really can’t care less “I needed time away” I can only say the truth “oh brother, time costs money. And money that we losing, you have idiots! When have you decided to replace the drugs we lost huh? My money, where is it. Why are we down Cassius, why is Atlanta not been running right because you wanted a break? You think drug business waits? You my son, you have been one piece of shit I been dealing with. I thought you died and then my friend says he’s here, a picture of you playing with flowers? You ok? The brains! That is what you are and you ran away and left us with Kyle, he is not you. Our drugs got hit twice! You hear that? Twice?” What is he on about “how can that be unless we have another snake?” That is bullshit “no, no snake just pure stupidity from your side, people think you ran away and now think they can run riot but no, Cassius is hiding like a pussy!” Taking in a sharp breath “Raphael, if I wanted I can come there and break your neck. You come correct when you speak to me, I am your fucking boss! You sold me your business. You needed me here. In France you may be shit but here you ain’t shit! I will come there and beat you” Raphael laughed “welcome back, see you soon then to beat my ass” he disconnected the call, the phone line went dead and I moved the phone away from ear. It’s a waste of time, being this is a waste. My hand tightened around the phone “fuck!” I shouted and threw Kyle’ phone “Cassius” Sofia said but I snatched my arm away.

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now, I don’t know what the fuck to think about or do. You know when you feel the pressure building on you, you feel the weight of everything on you, this is me. I feel like everyone is staring at me, and they are. I mean I knew that, I knew this would happen. I do have idiots here, I mean Kyle is just an idiot overall, it was Mylen that was good. Turning around as I continued to play with my bottom lip with my fingers, looking over at Kyle “he tried Cassius, I mean I can tell you the truth. He has tried his best, he did this for you Cassius. Nobody else, he didn’t want to ruin your bubble” I sniggered “that burst, so would you like to explain. I am being really calm right now, I mean I am getting followed everywhere, which is fine. I don’t care but how bad is it? Because you got to remember, Raphael’ business is mine now, we run his part and I am failing on this” Kyle put his head down “we lost the warehouse” Kyle said in a whisper “huh?” I said, I didn’t hear that really “we lost the warehouse, I was seeing to other things. Cassius you go to understand this!” Kyle spat as I got closer to him “you meaning to tell me a whole warehouse of my drugs is gone? How is the club operating? On air, I ain’t going to kill you so don’t look at me like that” Kyle swallowed hard “so what was you doing? Tell me the truth? Let me guess, you had issues in Miami so you ran off there to be with Anira and left my shit wide open like some pussy, you did that and I know you. You fucked up my shit, you being real. And you right Sofia I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to fucking hear it!” I spat, I know her ass will start speaking on shit I don’t want to hear it “you know what, all of y’all fuck yourselves because it’s the lies that get on my nerves” I am bored of them all, hiding shit away from me when my shit is on the ground.

I don’t want to be with anyone, I don’t want too see or hear anyone. I am just going to sit on my own and think, think so much my brain explodes. This is big, this is not small. You know how hard I work, how much bloodshed goes into doing this and he did this. So now there will be more bloodshed for what, being he’s an idiot. I just needed him to oversee, for him to show people we are good and he can’t do this “you have been quiet Cassius, it’s late I don’t mind listening. You got me on the phone for something” Henry said on speakerphone “it’s dumb, this whole process is dumb. I just wanted to let you know that” he needs to know ���Cassius, what is it? Don’t call me spitting your pacifier out, something happened and now you’re upset” what does he know “you and I both know I work with drugs, something failed” I ain’t going into detail “then let it fail, this is a blessing you needed. That life is your past Cassius. Step outside it” looking in my rear view mirror “I will be stepping outside, I will call you tomorrow. Night” disconnecting the call, getting out of the car. I might as well just see to the dickhead following me, slamming the car door shut “Cassius” and here I was going to beat their asses “not like you to follow me now” she got a new nigga with her too “missed you too Cassius” she still likes me.

Lighting my blunt, moving the blunt back away from my lips “you here to arrest me Kalia, I know you like me handcuffs a lot” blowing the smoke out “where is Anne? Fired?” them two lesbian lovers are never apart “we know who your informant is Cassius, how was Rehab?” see this is why I hate that bitch “can’t I go rehab? Trying to change for my family you see” she laughed “right, just like you burned your family home, change you say? Laying low now? You know what Cassius, I know everything but I can’t prove it, you’re playing by the book. That girl of yours has you at bay I guess” she is funny “you fucked her yet? She tends to like fucking her suspects and colleagues too, look I am just sat here minding my business. What do you want? You ain’t even from here, so what is it?” this blunt has worked wonders, for me anyways “investigating the warehouse that was on fire here, it seems to be linked to Brooklyn. You know anything?” I am sure that was my warehouse “what warehouse? I will never understand why you chase me around, it’s weird” Kalia smirked at me “just checking on you, remember Cassius. We will always be behind you, Connor can you wait in the car for me” the guy is called Connor, leaning on my car as he walked away, I wonder what she wants “Anne got killed, by one your people and I know they are yours. You and that little French man, you think I am stupid Cassius. I know it all but I need proof. I am just here because of things going on, we are passing on information to one another about, connecting you to thing and yes your informant is gone” taking in a deep breath “that’s cute for you, if you wasn’t such a dickhead we could have been best friends” if I was single, I would dick her down and let her be on my side “sure Cassius” flicking my blunt “what do you want? A kiss?” she just laughed “I’ll be in touch” she walked off.

Throwing my car key to the side, I had time to think I guess “you’re back, I couldn’t sleep” Sofia came out of nowhere “I am back, I just needed time to think” Sofia stood in front of me, searching my eyes while Cartier also stared at me like he is searching for something in me “I ain’t high, I didn’t do anything if you thinking that. I just had a blunt” if she don’t quit staring at me like I am lying “I get worried, we can talk about it” shaking my head “I just want to sleep, I ain’t going to fuck up. Not the both of you” I need to let this idea marinate in my mind first but I am still thinking why that Kalia let information slip, what does she want “we go to sleep? Look, I don’t want you and Kyle fighting, I want you to just talk to me, I want you to take a step back and think about what you are doing?” hugging Sofia “I know, I think I needed a slap to the face” I needed to wake up “but you need to look after you” Sofia hugged me “I got you for that” I will punch Raphael when I see him, I need to get my business back in line and I will be even more powerful then I was and I am clear minded this time. Moving back from the hug “let me hold” I said as I took Cartier from Sofia “you was waiting for me too” pressing a kiss to his cheek “we good Sofia, it’s fine” I am going to be calm about this and I ain’t fucking up, I got too much to lose.

[wishingforatypewriter]

Between Us (Chapter 8)

Summary: In which the stresses of young professional life put strain on relationships. (The rest of the story can be found here)

Megumi had known for years now that her boyfriend had an uncanny talent for making things difficult for himself, but his endless ways of doing so never ceased to amaze her. 

You see, five months ago they had packed up everything they owned and moved from New York to Paris—him with the intention of opening his first restaurant, and her with an unrelenting desire to stay by his side. 

Souma could have done what most chefs would do—take his savings and his seed money and start small, grow his reputation and clientele—but he had never been one to play it safe. 

He had chosen a location right in the middle of the sixth arrondissement, within blocks of both Shinomiya Kojirou and Tsukasa Eishi’s culinary fortresses, and he hoped to compete in this high profile venue using low prices and common ingredients. 

And naturally, he was working quadruple time to make his menu stand out. 

“What are you making?” Megumi asked after she came home from her shift at the Shangri-La. An intoxicating savory smell was wafting out from the kitchen. 

“Stuffed quail,” he explained as he took his dish out of the oven. “How was work?” 

Megumi shrugged. “Some of the customers were a bit difficult,” she said. In her experience as an executive chef, the super wealthy tended to be, but that was who the hospitality industry catered to in these city centers. It was a world away from her family ryokan in more ways than one. “But it was fine.” 

Scattered around the kitchen and living room were balled up pieces of notebook paper with five, ten, fifteen riffs off the same recipe ideas. There were also three half-empty coffee mugs that he must have abandoned as soon as he was caffeinated enough to remain upright. 

“Did you eat yet?” he asked her. 

Megumi shook her head. “But I won’t try anything strange today,” she warned him. At this point, about one in ten of his recipes would turn out a failed experiment, and at his current rate of innovation, Megumi was subjected to four or five of these horrors each day.

Souma laughed at the half-terrified face she made and then plated the quail for her along with a soup-trio starter served in shot glasses.

Megumi took a seat at the kitchen table and let him serve her. The deep savory flavor sent tremors through her, made her eyes roll back. If not for her continued exposure to his cooking, she might have been flat on her back at the first bite.

“How’s it taste?” he asked, all broad grins and honey eyes. A person who didn't know him as well would have no inkling of the trial and error that had gone into it, the rejected drafts and countless hours of revision. They would never guess that he was running himself ragged. 

“It tastes wonderful,” she said, meaning it completely. “Now add it to your menu and get some rest, please.”

He sighed, running a hand through his red hair. “Come on, Megs,” he said. “I was kind of looking for feedback.”

“I'm not a haute cuisine critic,” she said, not for the first time that week. “I won't go inventing flaws in a dish that's already great, just for you to spend the next twelve hours obsessing over it.”

“It's not obsessing. I'm just trying to get this right.” Even as he spoke, he was scrawling something onto a notepad. A revision, maybe, or an idea for a new dish entirely. “Nakiri said if I fuck up the opening, the restaurant will go under in three months.”

It took everything within Megumi to keep from stating that in this particular instance she didn't give a flying fuck what Nakiri-san thought. Still, she felt certain that the possessor of the god tongue could convince him of anything. “I know the restaurant is very important to you, and Nakiri-san is a reliable source when it comes to these things, but the average customer would love this dish, and that's who you’re cooking for, right?”

“Of course, but I-” He never did finish his thought, as just then his work phone started ringing. And when did he become the sort of person who needed a work phone? It seemed like one of many invisible lines he had been crossing by the day. “I gotta take this.”

“I know,” she said, leaving him to go out on the fire escape with his phone and the half empty box of Marlboros she was ignoring right now, but wouldn't for much longer. 

He would keep working long into the night, though Megumi could not be relied on to say whether or when he actually made it to bed. By now she had realized the futility of something like waiting up for him.

Though her work and studies brought her to Europe frequently,  Arato Hisako did not often venture to Copenhagen. So the significance of her sudden visit was not lost on Alice, and it greatly saddened the Nakiri heiress that she would have to turn such an old and dear friend away from her home unsatisfied.

“You know I can't help you, Hishoko.” She crossed one leg over the other and took a dainty sip of Darjeeling tea from a painted cup.

Hisako narrowed her eyes fractionally, her grip on her own teacup tightening ever so slightly. She was desperate, Alice could tell, but still clinging to her well-practiced composure, her steely nonchalance. “It's been almost a year. You and Kurokiba must know where he is.”

“Ryo-kun might, but good luck getting him to talk when he wouldn't even say anything to me, his soulmate. Like can you even believe the disloyalty engendered by this so called bro code?”

The brief rant was met with a half-annoyed look from Hisako, who clearly wasn't interested in her long-term relationship woes.

Alice shook her head. “And even if I did know, I wouldn't tell you.”

“Why in the world not?”

“He’ll be back when he makes his fortune, and if he didn't tell you anything, there has to be a reason for it.”

Hisako rolled her eyes. “The reason must be that he wants me to never speak to him again.” She placed her teacup down and crossed her arms over her chest. “I can understand wanting to start over after those Sendawara snakes stole his research, which is exactly why I told him not to take that job in the first place.”

“You did warn him multiple times,” Alice conceded.

“But to just disappear is so idiotic. He could be dead in a ditch somewhere and no one would know.” 

“We got from dumb to dead in a ditch really quickly, Hishoko. If you're that worried, why don't you just ask Professor Shiomi?”

“I came here because Jun called me and I couldn't tell her anything.”

“Oh.”

“He's just so prideful and selfish and-”

“And are you sure you don't just miss him?” 

“As if I would! I'm only asking out of consideration for Jun. And I have a boyfriend, anyway.”

“Does ‘boyfriend’ know you came overseas to inquire after your ex?”

The pregnant silence between them spoke for itself. 

Alice just sighed and poured more tea into their cups. “You two are hopeless,” she said. “At any rate, since you're here, we might as well have lunch.”

---

“Thanks for coming all the way out here,” Ikumi said as she started closing up her beach side shack. 

“It's a nice place,” Erina replied between sips of rum punch. After weeks of writing restaurant reviews in her apartment, reclining on the beach in Los Angeles was exactly her idea of paradise. “I’m glad you invited me to your kitchen.” 

“It's really more of a project than anything else,” Ikumi said. “My father is making me get a business degree out here, and if I didn't start cooking again, I was going to lose my shit.”

“I hear that.” Erina adjusted her sunglasses, trying to remain present in the conversation despite the perfect beachside dish coming together in her mind’s eye. She would have to get back to Madrid sooner rather than later. “Are you going to relocate to Italy when you graduate?”

“Hard no.” Ikumi grabbed her car keys and led Erina towards her bright red convertible. “I'm breaking up with Takumi the next time we see each other.”

Erina’s eyes widened a bit. The last time she checked, Takumi and Ikumi had been as solid as Alice and Kurokiba or...or Yukihira and Tadokoro. “I don't mean to pry, but what happened?”

“Nothing happened, really. It's just the distance. Every time he’s supposed to come out here, something comes up. If it's not his father, it's his uncle, or his grandmother, or the fucking trattoria. I’m just tired.” She made a sharp turn onto the highway, just to get stuck in gridlock. She muttered a curse under her breath. “This is the worst thing about L.A. If you ever want to set up shop in California, just go to the Bay Area.”

“Noted,” Erina replied as she took in the traffic jam. They’d probably be stuck in it for at least twenty minutes. “So what happened when you went out to Tuscany?”

“Oh my god. His parents were so rude to me the entire time, especially his mother, and he didn't do anything about it. The only person who bothered to stick up for me was Isami. And then later he tried to explain that they were ‘just a bit conservative.’”

At this, Erina couldn’t help but snort a little. “What does Takumi Aldini know about conservative? Did he grow up wearing Victorian ball gowns around the house?”

“That's exactly what I said! And you know what, if he’s going to let his mother slut shame me for not wearing a turtleneck in the middle of July, we don't need to be in a relationship. At all.”

Not for the first time, Erina felt glad that all her relationships thus far had been short, sweet, and shallow. All this aggravation would only distract her from truly pursuing her cooking. 

“When you make the split official, there are some guys I can introduce to you.”

“Are they on the national football team?” Ikumi asked, smirking. 

“Naturally.” It had taken Erina a while to warm up to the athletic types, but they had grown on her.

“Yes!” Ikumi turned the air conditioning up in her car, seeming to finally accept their lot. “You and Arato-san have been doing it right this whole time.”

Were they, though? Truth be told, only time would tell. But she carried the image of the dish with her as the car inched into the horizon, and forgot to call her new boyfriend when they got back to Ikumi’s place.

[javelon]

Crossroads Deal - Good Ending

A demon deal. Jack could scarcely believe it. Surely Marvin had to be mistaken! But the little box the magician brought back from a crossroads at an odd location in Chase's phone history proved it, Chase had made a deal with a demon to bring Jack back.

It wasn't his fault he knew that but Jack still couldn't help feeling guilty. Chase had so many people who loved him and looked up to him and he had done so much good for so many people! The PMA movement he started on the channel along with all the money he said for charities proved it! But the egos said Chase had become depressed and had started drinking heavily. Henrik had prescribed some anti anxiety & depression medication but he had been having difficulties finding pills that worked for Chase without giving him the bad side affects.

Jack sighed as he leaned forward in his chair, holding onto Chase's hand, his fingers resting on the pulse point in the wrist. The heart monitor showed Chase's heart still beat in his chest but Jack preferred feeling it for himself. It brought him comfort to feel the veins pulse under his fingertips. With his other head he ran his fingers through Chase's hair.

"I love you bro, you know I do. But you're such an idiot sometimes, Chase. Why would you give up everything for me? Don't you know what you have? How blessed you are?" Jack swallowed around the lump in his throat, "I'm sorry I shouldn't say such things. I of all people know what depression is like. I know how it messes with your head."

Jack paused, trying to keep himself composed as tears burned at his eyes, "I promise when you wake up I'll do everything I can to help you beat your depression. And you will wake up, Chase. You have to. We need you, man."

And they did. They all needed Chase. The young father may not have realized it but he held this family together like no one else could. Without him everyone was drifting apart. Marvin rarely left his room anymore, Anti had to be dragged from Chase's side to be forced to shower or sleep, and when was the last time they saw Jackie? Few days ago?

But to get Chase back they may need some help. And Jack knew just who to contact.

-------------------------------------------------------

Marvin growled in frustration as he threw another book away from him. Yet another dead end! Running his hands through his disheveled hair (When was the last time he cut it?) he grabbed another book off the shelf and used his magic to start slipping through the pages.

Six months. Six long months since they'd found that thrice damned box and Marvin was no closer to figuring out how to wake up Chase than he was before they found the box.

It was surprisingly easy to find information on how to summon a crossroads demon. But after that there was almost nothing. No passages about demon weaknesses. No books about ending deals. No hints even on what demons took in return.

That's what scared Marvin the most. He had no idea what Chase gave the demon in exchange for the deal. And the crossroads demons Marvin had summoned weren't interested in telling him. They would laugh at him and say he'll find out soon enough then they'd poof away.

"Useless fucking book!" Marvin snarled as he flung another book away with his magic, not paying attention to where it flew.

"Oi! Nice aim, Marv."

The magician spun towards the door, his jaw dropping when he saw the rugged man who stood there, holding the book he had just flung away.

"I gotta say this wasn't quite the greetin' I was expectin' though." The man said with a grin.

Marvin stood there gaping like a fish. Had he truly gone to long without sleep? Or was it really...?

"Angus??"

The survivalist's grin widened as he held open his arms, "The one an' only!"

Marvin threw himself into Angus' arms, laughing when the hunter picked him up a few inches with his infamous bear hug, "Man it's so good to see you!"

Stepping back, hands still on Angus' shoulders, Marvin grinned at his wayward brother, "I thought you weren't coming back until Christmas!"

Angus' grin vanished and his eyes darkened, "That was the plan until I heard my family was in trouble. Demons are no laughing matter, Marv. Ya need all the help ye can get."

"Wha-? But how...?"

The hunter pulled off his pager on his belt, holding it up for Marvin to see, "Jack contacted me. I always check my pager every time I'm in civilization to see if I need to call anyone. Just sorry it took so long to get back. It ain't always easy findin' a plane in the middle o' nowhere."

Angus looked around the room and whistled lowly, "Damn bro ye got a right mess in 'ere. Clear a space fer me an' tell me what ya've found out about the demon we're huntin'."

"Oh right! Yea sure just give me a sec." Marvin quickly pulled at his magic to push aside all the books and papers from his desk and chairs, while grabbing the book he had about summoning crossroads demons.

He set the book on the table as Angus spun his chair around to sit in it backwards, arms leaning over the back of the chair, "I haven't been able to find much really. I did find the passage about summoning a crossroads demon but it lacks a surprising amount of detail." Marvin explained as he flipped to the page and turned the book for Angus to read.

The hunter looked over the passage, his brow furrowing as he read, "Damn so it was a crossroads demon. Was afraid of that."

Marvin looked up in surprise, "You're familiar with this type of demon?"

Angus leaned on one hand with a scowl, "Ya have to be familiar with all types of supernatural beasts if yer gonna travel through the wilderness and interact with the tribes of natives in poorer countries." He gestured to Marvin's room, "Here in the "civilized" countries yet magic tricks are just that, tricks. Most don' realize the power ye possess. But out there," Angus jabbed a thumb over his shoulder, "In the backwoods and places most people have forgotten? The old magic thrives. Beasts both natural and not find humans to be good sport. Leviathans, lycans, vampires. Creatures that don't even have names in the English tongue. And the worst of them all are the demons."

The glare Angus gave the passage about crossroads demons should have caused the pages to ignite in flames, such was the intensity of his anger, "Bloody manipulative bastards the lot of them. They prey on the weak and the desperate using honeyed words and empty promises to convince good people to sell them their souls."

Dread stabbed at Marvin's chest, "Their souls?! But then Chase..."

"Sold his soul to a demon, yes. A demon must want something from ya to accept anything less and I doubt our brother had anything a demon needed." Angus confirmed, his face still dark with anger though his eyes showed the anguish he was feeling.

Marvin sat there in silence for a moment, running his hands through his hair. Finally he whispered, "What...what do we do, Ang? How do we fix this?"

A shuffling caused Marvin to look up as Angus produced an odd look dagger with unfamiliar runes engraved on the sides, "We fix it by finding that demon and teaching it what happens to those that mess with our family."

The grin Angus gave Marvin was chilling and bloodthirsty, "So Marv, what do ye know about devil's traps?"

-------------------------------------------------------

Angus loved his work. There were so many exciting creatures to see, interesting people to meet, and beautiful places to see in all corners of the globe. He has gotten to see wonders most people could scarcely even dream of seeing!

But as he sat next to his comatose brother he found himself wondering if it was worth it. Were all the wonders of the world worth seeing his family only a couple times a year?

The hunter sighed and gently grasped Chase's hand, "Hey little bro. Sure got yerself into a fine mess haven't ya? Demons? I thought I taught ya better than that, mate."

His eyes wandered over Chase's face, taking in the new lines of stress and age that hadn't been there when last he saw him. Sorrow ate at him as he realized what Chase must have been dealing with, probably silently knowing his little brother.

"You always were too self sacrificing, Chase. I'm just sorry I wasn't here to help you."

"You're here now. That's what matters." Anti spoke up.

Angus looked over at his glitch brother who leaned on the wall in the corner, watching over the room with a grim look, his arms crossed. He gave Anti a wry grin, "Is the great Antisepticeye giving me words of encouragement? Have I finally lost my mind?"

Anti huffed with a roll of his eyes, "Crazier things have happened. I am one of the "good guys" now after all." His eyes moved over to Chase, "Besides it's become obvious more...encouragement has been needed in this house." His gaze snapped back to the hunter, "Just don't get used to hearing it from me."

Holding up his hands in mock surrender Angus replied, "Wouldn't dream of it, mate."

Silence fell over them as they watched the steady rise and fall of Chase's chest.

"Ya up fer a demon hunt, Anti?" The hunter glanced over his shoulder at his brother.

Anti blinked once, a vicious grin spreading his lips, "I thought you'd never ask."

-------------------------------------------------------

It wasn't often that Anti got nervous. Even after the other egos had come around to forgiving Anti and accepting him into the group, the glitch kept up the appearance of never being sad or scared. He may not be the "bad guy" anymore but that didn't mean he was suddenly going to spill out all his woes and fears. Chase was the only one who called him out on his bullshit. Said he had too much experience with Jackie's tough guy act of hiding his emotions behind his anger and "heroism". There was no chance of Anti fooling him with the same act.

He'd probably be able to see through Anti's feigned relaxed look now if he were there. But he wasn't at the crossroads with them and instead was the cause of their trip and Anti was afraid they would fail again. Angus had informed them that a typical demon deal was for ten years but Anti couldn't help feeling their timeline was shorter than the hunter believed. Maybe it was just cause as of tonight Chase will have been in a coma for a full year and that was a year too long and Anti still felt guilty about it.

But he was ready to face this demon and make it pay. And it seemed Angus and Marvin were finally ready too. The hunter held a bowl in his hands that was important for summoning specific demons and Marvin was at the ready with his magic. Anti locked eyes with his brothers and they exchanged a nod before Angus started chanting something in latin, throwing a lit match on the bowl. Its contents created a small fireball, it's smoke forming a symbol of some sort as Angus kept chanting.

The smoke swirled in the air, changing from one symbol to another as it drifted to the ground in front of the hunter, blinding them all with a flash of fire before revealing a person. Anti blinked in confusion as a supermodel looking woman formed from the fire and smoke. This was the demon they had been hunting?

Marvin shouted something and his magic created a devil's trap beneath the woman, brilliant green light forming each of the symbols. As the exterior circle of the symbol closed the woman sneered at them.

"Well well, it seems all that trudging through the dark corners of the world has taught you a few tricks, Angus. Good to know abandoning your family for dirty uncivilized barbarians paid off."

Angus growled at the woman, putting the bowl at his feet and pulling out a corked flask, "Glad to see all yer deal makin' has made ya just as predictable as any other demon. Soon as yer confronted with a challenge all ya can do is hurl insults and snarls." He uncorked the flask, "But the only words I want outta yer hole is the endin' of my lil' brother's contract."

The cruel laugh the woman let out would have impressed Anti if he wasn't angry with her, "No can do, darling. Your precious lil' brother's soul belongs to me now."

Angus let out a snarl, "Wrong answer." and hurled some of the fluid in his flask at the woman. Burns quickly formed where the fluid splashed on her body, screams of pain and rage accompanying the burns.

The burns quickly healed to Anti's disappointment and the woman smirked, "Aw is the wittle hunter angry? Are you frustrated you don't know as much as you think you do, Angus?"

Her eyes turned to Marvin, "And you, Marvin the Magnificent. Or should perhaps it should be Marvin the Mediocre. Marvin the Second Rate Magician. It's a mouth full but I think it's more fitting. All your books and tricks and yet you couldn't save Jack and you can't save Chase. You should magic to the professionals, darling."

Marvin's eyes glowed, a flask of his own appearing above the woman's head and dumping it's contents on her. She growled and snarled, her burns forming and healing just as quick as before.

Anti bared his teeth at her in warning when her eyes turned to him, "You gonna throw holy water at me too, "demon"? You think your family has forgiven you for your crimes, Anti? Or is this your way of making them see you've truly changed? And every night you fear they'll betray you, cast you out. Like the glitch bitch you are."

It was only Marvin's quick magically intervention that kept Anti from leaping on the woman and tearing out her tongue. Angus moved in front of Anti now, throwing more holy water onto the demon woman.

She snarled again, this time her voice taking on a second deeper voice that spoke in a darker language while her female voice continued in English, "Y̯͠o̻͝u ̦̾h̲͘av̨̉e͚͒n't ̲̈ḽ̌eà̬r̦͑ned eń͕oug̊͟h,̬̿ ̟̔sur̨͆v̔͢i͔̅v̲̾a̳̅l hṳ͐nt͍͛e̳͑r̹̒, ̞̆i̱̒f̹͌ y̡͛o̱̚u ͎̀t̥̿h̙͌i̳͞n͉̐k̳̔ ̱̐a ̦̎d͎̾e̗̿vil's ̎͜trap̨͘ a̻͐n̩̎d̪̋ a ̞̈li̡͠t͇͐tle h̼̋o͕͠ly w͔̓â͍t͚͂er̘͛ wil̜̽l ̳͘s͉͌u̹͝b͍̉ď̙ue͍̾ ̓͢the ̡̐q̻̎u̗͑eȇ̱n ̈͟o̩͡f ̦́t̠̄he̥̅ c̥̽r̉͜oss̥̄road͎̎s!"

The hunter stepped back with a sigh, giving the woman a look as if examining her, "Yer right about the holy water part." He gave a quick nod and from the darkness a blur of red and blue sped past the woman, causing her to scream in her dual voices as a needle suddenly appeared in her neck, its contents injected into her veins, "But yer wrong if ya think those are the only tricks up our sleeves."

The woman's chest heaved, her manicured nails looking more like claws as she dug at the needle, "I should have known ya would͖͛ h̥́a̼͊ve͈̚ ̣̅b̝̆ro͞ͅụ͐g̘͒h̦͠t ̙̍y͎̿e͋͢r ̠͡w͉̩̿̊an͇͋na̺͑b̤̿ȅ̻ h͇͂e͕̤̔̈́r̩̜̔̽͘͢o͍͔͙̾̃̾ ̘̝̮͗͌̀ẇ̢̠͓͋͌i̖̼͓̒̑͝t͓͉̦̄͐̊h̼͖̒̌̋͟ y̧͍͖͑́̕ǫ̥́́͂ͅu̮͛̑̒." She snarled at Jackie who now stood next to Marvin, "͚́̍͜Wh͇̕a̬͠ţ͞'s ̭̈́th̙̽e̛͇ ̰̊m̨͞att̖̒ě̻r ̥͉̈͡"̱̆h͓̅è̦ṟ̫̒̌o"̜̉?͚̰͌̏ ̖̃R̠͔̐̏ě̲al̺̀i̛̱z̹̦͐͡e͖̔d̊͢ ̪͊ỵ̕o͙̔u'̩͝r̰̀e n͚͆ő͎t̪̄ ̩̀gȏ̤̟́o̻͑̇͟d̝̉ ̤̄e̻͠ǹ̦o͉̔u͚̙͒̚g̗͒h ṭ͝ò̝ ̖̤͆͠ś̻a̭̔v̰͉̉̀e̱̕ ͊͢y͙̏ò̹u͔̭͆̄r͉̚ ̻͋f̧̓a̲͆mį́l̡̙̈́̐ÿ̪?̰̚"

Jackie's fists and jaw clenched, the hero taking a step towards her before Angus stepped in front of him, "Don't pay her any mind, Jackie. Lass is all bark an' no bite now." He looked back at her, "Especially with that syringe in her. Bet that burns doesn't it?"

"Gö̻̪̊ t͙̎̒͟ô͖͚͝ h̩̬͒̊ę̌l͙̒l̖͘!̨̜͆͐"̡̉ This time both voices spoke in English.

Angus glanced at Jackie and the hero sped past the demon again, another syringe plunged into her neck. She growled and snarled and cursed in multiple languages, going to her knees to claw at the ground. It was a good thing Marvin's light magic was used to form the trap. Anti didn't want this demon to escape them now that they were so close.

The hunter knelt down so he was eye level with the demon, "Ya know some demon buddies of yer's were harassing a tribe I met in my travels. They were good people who had little but still gave generously to others. For years you demon bastards made them miserable. Then a missionary heard of their plight and came to them. With his help they banished all but one demon. That one they captured and the missionary was able to experiment on the demon. Ya know what he found?"

Angus pulled out another syringe, this one full of blood, "He found if he blessed his blood like he blessed the water, it weakened the demon. Especially if he injected it." He held up the syringe for the demon to see, "So we can do this one of two ways, you can be stubborn and we can keep injecting you with blessed blood for eternity. Or you can destroy Chase's contract while not putting Jack back in his coma and we'll end all of this."

The demon's now pure red eyes glared up at the hunter, "̧̋The͍͈͐̍ o͔͆̉ͅn͙͔͊͐l̰͍̇̂y wả̺͛͟y ỷ̺o̢̿u͉͒̀ͅ'͔͛lḷ̨͛̀ s̝͎͋͝eẽ̬̝̕ yó̩ur̙̐ l͈̗̽̃it̗̰͌̒tl̝̈e͕̓̎ͅ b̙̾r̪̓o͍̐̅ͅt̛͈̝͒h͍̩̆͠er̫̆ a͒͌͜͟g̩͝a̝̋i̭͇̍͑ǹ̟̱̍ i̧̢̐͞s͖̯̒̍ w͚͊h̎͢e͍̎ṉ̟̃́ h̪͈̓̈́ḛ͈̾́ h̛̹a̭̓̏͟s̘͍̋͝ ey̞͋͌͜ẹ̗̀̈s̛̩͕̾ as̢͍͑͂ b̘̘̈͘lâ̝c̡̿k ạ͐s̘͊ h͉̜͋̎i̼̬̎̕ṣ͂ t̯̬͋͞o͕̪̒̿rt̡̠̿͘u͙͊̅͜red̗͎̓̚ a̘͚͋̑n̡̪͒̂d̞̟͗̋ b̼̫̈͝r̘͋oǩ̙̪͝ê̥̫͠n͟͝ ṣ͕́̒oú̢l!"

Anti and his brothers all growled at the demon then. "We're going to make you regret having fucked with the Septic family, hell bitch." Angus said lowly, his voice deep with rage and he plunged the new syringe into the demon.

For half an hour this went on, the demon snarling threats and curses at them with every syringe of blood pumped into them. Finally the demon yelled, "E̛͎͈͑N͙̼̜͒̔͑Ō͖̗̘̠̐̆͡Ṳ̳̗̘͗́̽͝G̨̨̧̭̃̂̐̊H̖̭́̎!"

They all stood silently, the only sound in the clearing being that heavy breathing and growls of the demon. The woman snapped her fingers and a contract appeared before her, "Your brother's pathetic soul isn't worth dealing with you." She snapped her fingers again and the contract disintegrated in flames, "There. He's free from his bloody contract."

Angus gave her a suspicious look, "And Jack is still awake?"

The demon rolled her eyes, "Yes your sweet little Jackaboy is awake. Now let me out!" 

For several moments the two stared each other down before Angus finally stood up and looked over at Anti. The glitch grinned and zapped forward, sinking the blade of Angus' runed dagger into the demon's heart. The woman gasped up at him in shock, sparks of electricity visible through her skin as the dagger severed her corrupted soul from this plane of existence. When the light finally left her eyes Anti pulled the dagger free. The four brothers stared down at her unmoving form, waiting to see if she moved until they were satisfied she was gone for good.

Angus rolled his shoulders then turned to Marvin, "Think ye can take us home, Marv?"

The magician nodded and a quick spell later they were back in Marvin's room. It only took a moment for them to hear commotion going on outside. Anti's heart thumped nervously, did they actually do it?

Following the noise to the hospital room they found Jack, Henrik, and Jameson all crowded around the occupied bed. And in the bed was the whole reason for their demon hunt, sitting up and smiling for the first time in a year.

"Chase!" The four rushed forward and embraced their brother in a large group hug. Anti didn't even hesitate to join or deny the tears pooling in his eyes. He didn't care about appearances right now. All that mattered was Chase was ok. He was alive and smiling and talking and it was the most beautiful thing Anti ever saw. They had issues they needed to discuss of course but that could wait. Right now they were just going to enjoy their family finally being whole again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you to everyone who has read my story! Your likes and reblogs and comments helped inspire me to keep going and I'm so grateful to you all!

[jcmorgenstern]

3x14 Review

Hey so for once this is actually super positive! I loved this episode and can’t wait to gush about it! So without further ado, I’m gonna get the stuff I quibbled with outta the way before diving into what I liked:

The Bad: — I think my biggest problem overall was that scene between Alec and Lorenzo. I understand Alec was being protective and he goes into Fierce Mommy Tiger mode around those he considers family and those he loves (I think it’s important to show that Magnus isn’t just his boyfriend, Magnus has become integrated into the thing Alec bases his life around). But I had hoped Alec would have figured out by now that a Nephilim threatening to depose a Downward leader over an apartment is…..unideal, at least. — I get that this may have been designed as a plot hook as an understandable yet stupid thing Alec does that comes back to bite him later (i.e., if there is a Downward civil war in New York, and Lorenzo decides to fuck Alec over). Alec’s strength and weaknesses are tied to his family, and I think it’s a very believable mistake for him to make. I don’t expect him to be perfect, I just hope the narrative treats his threat to Lorenzo as less of a “pure uwu cutesy bf” move and more of a mistake, even if Lorenzo is being cruel to Magnus. — Honestly y’all I expected something WAY worse. Losing the apartment was nothing compared to the drama I expected—I thought Lorenzo was gonna ask Magnus to spy on Alec or go back to Asmodeus or something awful. Thankfully that was inverted by a very obvious attempt to get Magnus to move in with Alec, because apparently he can’t buy a new house with all his money. — I also quibbled a little with how Clary was written, especially in that scene where Jace comforts her (or, really, when Jace makes what happened to her about him and how angry he is and how he’s going to kill Jonathan etc. It’s a pattern with him, esp where Jonathan is involved, and I have more to say about it). Clary has always been a very temperamental, look before you leap sort of person, and I’m not sure that if she figured out Jonathan had hurt Jace she would just smile and pretend along. Clary would FREAK. This is Jocelyn’s daughter, y’all. The knives would be out. She stabbed herself to stab him before and she’d do it again. She has ALL the tools at her disposal to rune him or run away. — To be clear, I’m not shaming Clary for what she chose to do or not confronting a violently entitled dude who kidnapped her once already, I just felt the arc was artificially extended to let Jace be the hero instead of letting Clary kick Jonathan’s ass off a pier and rune him. There’s no way that bitch can swim. It seemed kind of….not how Clary would react and kind of artificially done for Jace and Jonathan’s benefit. — Last thing, which isn’t even a quibble but I feel people will be confused if it’s not on here: the Maia and Jordan thing. I’ll go into it more but basically: if they’re doing what I think, I think it worked shockingly well, but if it’s played straight yeah it’ll be Unfortunate.

The Good: — I’m just gonna come out and say this episode was AMAZING. Since this is mostly a positive review I’d like to credit the writer specifically—Zoe Broad. Honestly just the overall coherence of this episode was greater than any of the ones in S3 for me, it flowed from one scene to the other and there was no point where I had the urge to check Facebook or whatever. The dialogue was pretty good overall and truly amazing at parts, and I felt she had a pretty good handle on the characters, despite this being her first episode, which was very impressive. — I actually ENJOYED the ship content??? Clace was absolutely adorable on the rink, with Jace’s sometimes annoying bravado being played wryly both on his part and by the script. “I was born ahead of the curve” delivered with a smile and then nearly falling on his ass was. Very good. And Clary’s little “you’re doing better than me….when I was six” was equally great and I just. Really liked it? They felt like real people on a real date and it felt real and dynamic and cute. — Same with Malec’s grave-robbing date. Usually their scenes start to get weighed down by drama or just general “talking to the audience to make them happy rather than each other,” but this was just cute AND advanced the plot, and connected them back to the main storyline. I hadn’t liked how they were quarantined away from the main story and I’m glad they’re back, even if the “losing Magnus’ loft” was a weird way to do it. — Maia and Alisha particularly were really the breakout stars of the episode. Alisha really really SOLD that dialogue and was honestly incredible. Her terror and anger and desperation felt so visceral and real that even though I knew it would be resolved in the episode, it was gripping and I genuinely needed to know what happened next. — I also did like how Zoe wrote Maia (that “frickin” was TOTALLY a stand in for fuck and I APPRECIATE it) and I felt she really captured how she feels about Jordan—she does care about him as a person, or rather for the person he was at some point, but still refuses to not to push down on her own anger and hurt for his or anyone else’s sake. I felt it was really complex and confusing and emotional for her and overall I think that scene was meant to give her a sense of closure. Just because she recognizes that Jordan does care about her and can be supportive of her, doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily jump back into his arms. — That’s kind of my reading—I’m not sure where they’re going, obviously, but my instinct was that the less chill stuff Maia says (implying they may be going a romantic arc) was more due to the fact she was PANICKING IN A LOCKED CLOSET WITH A DYING DUDE. Like she says “I’m confused” like yes she meant before but honestly right then she obviously was, and I don’t really see the show going for Jordan/Maia? Especially since Todd has hinted Maia has a “don’t need no man” arc. Like she drifts apart from Simon but gets back with someone she hated for years?? Not seeing it. — However if they do go there I’ll be really disappointed, mostly because of the missed opportunity for complexity but also because yeahhhhh maybe not the chillest thing with how many people interpret their relationship as abuse. (I could make a separate post about it but yeah). — Onto Magnus. God okay I don’t know how others felt but I felt Zoe really got to the crux of why Magnus misses his magic. That how he feels connected to the world through his magic was just…such a good insight and it really impacted me because it wasn’t just some generic “magic is what makes me who I am,” it was so much more deep and personal and I felt it meant a lot that Magnus finally put that into words for Alec. He’d clearly been struggling to impart to Alec how he felt, both in terms of “how do I even explain this loss” and a his own emotional reticence. God that grave robbing scene!!!! — Umm the Morningstar sword actually being a sword to summon demons?? Kind of weird?? Esp if they play it off as an actual Morgenstern relic?? Not sure what’s happening but it was cool?? — honestly dudes I’ve been FUCKED UP about the Luke storyline and SUPER STRESSED and now IT’S ALL HAPPENIGN someone SAVE HIM oh my GOD I’m actually so stressed I’ve been stressed for 9 months FREE HIM — Ok now to Jonathan bc lbr y’all know I can’t shut up about him. Ok first off, that scene with the seelie gal, oh my FUCKING GOD I was screaming what a LOSER GHSDKLFJhghghhghgg. And she insults his shitty dialogue?? Zoe ma’am may I PROPOSE??? This keeps getting wilder and wilder I can’t believe they’re GOING THERE. THEY’RE GOING THERE SO HARD. HE’S SUCH A WILD LOSER. Can you BELIEVE he found someone off shadow world fetlife to be like “I’m a Morgenstern and I love you bro you’re so hot and clever and lovable” I just can’t. I bet you ANYTHING she tops and is only in it for the shadow hunter ass. — SHAPESHIFTING. YALL. I BUST A NUT. Look, it fixes so many fucking plot holes. His eyes look SO COOL when he does demon magic. He’s so OP and Chaotic Stupid it’s not even a joke  I Lov my Mary Sue Son. — Honestly having Jonathan impersonate Jace is so brilliant (remember when he said, “I don’t want your pity, I want your life?”) Like it is so fucked up but I love it.  Not looking forward to the mind control but maybe he just whispered “I’m a bottom” into her ear and ran off in her ensuing shock and confusion. You can’t prove me wrong until next week so until then LA LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU — Personally I liked Dom’s performance as Jonathan, but not to be that Bitch I felt Will was a lot more subtle about it. Dom gave him a straight up thousand mile stare whereas Will played him as something charismatic and good at lying with a little edge of Something Wrong, a strain behind a smile. Sure, Jonathan was probably nervous for his little kidnapping date, but I felt it was unrealistic that he was so suave and convincing (sans the part where Aline comes to visit him that was hilarious, Jonathan you’re an idiot) as Seb and then is like “I eat ants sometimes” as Jace. Like. He’s an obsessive bitch. He’d have practiced Jace in the mirror. Fuck you. Probably while saying “fuck you.” ANYWAYS. — Izzy doing science? It’s not much but I’ll fucking take it lmao. I’m excited to see where Heavenly Fire is going. Matt’s Latin is still abysmal but whatever it’s ok. — also that rose?? A kiss from a rose?? Honestly this ep was so clever and thematically connected and just FLOWED like an ACTUAL EP OF TV god I’m emotional!!!! Thank you Zoe Broad ma’am you are a hero!!! — Again I’m gonna point out both Jace and Jonathan have a designated Brooding Fireplace. — Not super hyped about Heidi coming back but hey this ep was Worth It.

Anyway tldr I really liked it and wanted to spew semi-coherent positivity for once! About more characters than just my stupid fave!!! Wow!!! Good writing is SEXY and I LOVE IT!!!

[dreamiesformula]

Triggered - Seo Changbin

When the one person you trusted to not break your heart does just that... how do you recover? Broken one too many times before can you forgive him?

To say you were insecure was an understatement, your whole life you were made to feel less than everyone else, worthless, ugly and a waste of time. That was until you met Seo Changbin rapper for famous idol group Stray Kids, exactly 2 years ago today. He made your life worth something, he made you feel loved, wanted, needed he made you feel beautiful. So you wanted to make him feel special and surprise him with lunch, before your very exciting anniversary night but shit backfires!

Y/N’s P.O.V

He is everything that’s good and I felt so bad about having to rush to my best friend Jack’s house early morning, but it was only cause he is helping me to organise Binnie’s surprise for tonight! Dinner at his favourite restaurant, 2 tickets to a Chase Atlantic concert being performed in a bar (since he said he wanted to see my favourite band live with me), then back to my place for a long night of appreciation and sentimental words, oh and loving.

Walking into the JYPE building even after all this time still made me nervous, I’d brought enough for the 10 of us to eat but probably would end up making sure Changbin ate enough for the both of us. I make my way to the dance studio where they undoubtedly are overworking to perfect their lastest comeback, but to my surprise I hear them talking.

“I just can’t handle Y/N today man, the stress and exhaustion may be getting to me but god I can’t deal with her insecurities. Every night she’s crying over something new, worrying I’ll leave her, skipping meals. Every single time I come home she’s panicked and I can’t deal with her insomnia one more sleepless night I’m gonna lose my shit.” I hear Changbin ramble on, standing at the door awe struck and frozen with fear. I hear footsteps...

“That’s not nice Changbin!” Jeongin defends me, bless him he’s always been so kind to me.

“Yeah maybe you’re being a little bit harsh, she’s had it rough and on today of all days you shouldn’t be bagging out the girl you’re dating.” Chan agrees knowing full well what today was while Changbin seemed lost.

“Today of all days? What do you mean?” Tears start rolling down my cheeks as the foot steps getting closer before you could process the door swings open revealing a very shocked looking Jeongin and scared looking Chan.

“Don’t.” I choke out handing Chan the food and with blurry vision and my head up high looking Changbin dead in the eyes. “I know where I stand, happy anniversary btw asshole. Enjoy it on your own!” Sarcasm lacing my voice as I spin on my heels ignoring the pleads of the boy who was and is my world.

Changbin’s P.O.V

I go to chase after her, I was dumb, I didn’t mean any of it. I said it myself I’m just tired and stressed, one things for sure, I need her.

“Changbin, Jyp is on his way and you know that, you can’t leave now.” Woojin scolds.

“Hyung, I cant just let her leave, not like this, not today, not anyday. I need her I was just being a dick, you all know that.” I say pointing to the members.

“I’m sorry but right now Woojin is right, she’s already gone, your damage has been dealt.” Minho backs Woojin up looking at the boy sorrow filling his eyes, Minho of all people knew the extent to which Changbin needed Y/N.

“Did you really forget what today was Bin?” Felix asks, his voice a whisper as he stood beside the boy.

“Yes.” He breaks “I fucking forgot.” He colaspes to the ground in his own sorrow he doesn’t hear his boss entering the studio.

“Changbin, what’s wrong?” The man dressed in casual attire sounds genuinely concerned.

“I-I -I’m just a bit cranky today sir, I’m sorry.” He stands up momentarily regaining his composure.

“Well you boys have tonight off, but I wanted 3 racha to go to a show tonight. The group is an Aussie group, I figured you’d like that Chan...” he chuckles to himself “the point is to widen your musical exposure and hopefully give you some ideas for beats, composition and you’ll have a chance to talk to them afterwards. In return they’ll come to your show later this month, their manager wanted them to have some free time and they wanted to check you boys out after hearing that you’ll be watching them.” They all nod Changbin regretting so afterwards.

“The show starts at 8pm, goes for about 2 hours and you’ll meet them afterwards. Changbin I know it’s your anniversary but is there anyways you could call Y/N, I’ll pay for your make up date, I know how inconvenient this must be and I’m so sorry.” He smiles genuinely patting the boy’s back and walking out.

“Fuck as if it couldn’t get any worse.” He grunts turning to Chan who’s still holding the bag.

“She brought this for us.” Chan says followed by “She’d want us to eat it regardless.” A bittersweet smile on my face as I realise exactly the magnitude to which I have just fucked up.

Y/N’S P.O.V

“Yo mitty, so I’m coming to your show tonight, was wondering if you and the boys wanted to get drinks after. Like old times back home!” I ask excitement filling my broken voice, my voice hoarse from an hour of sobbing until I decided I’d just go to my friends concert and let lose. Have a good time like we used to!

“You know I’m always down for that, but we gotta meet with some idols or something after who are coming, you’re more than welcome to join back stage. We can race fireball like old times?” The boy chuckles over the line.

“Alright Cave, you’re on!” I smile proudly knowing I’ll kick his ass just like old times!

“Alright cutie you’re on.” With that he hangs up the line, cutie was what he used to call me in highschool. Some junior tried to hit on me during our last year and he swooped into rescue me, I miss those times. No broken heart, no betrayal, just a bunch of idiot friends having a good laugh and writing some songs.

I get dressed while calling Casper to update him on the situation. I take my lacey black bra and pair it with some black ripped skinny jeans and a pair of combat boots and leather jacket to top off the bad ass bitch vibe for tonight. Put my piercings in, necklaces on, straighten my hair and do some light make up and boom ready to have an awesome time. Despite the ever growing pit of grief in my stomach, was I really that needy? Desperate? Clingy? That I managed to make Changbin the man who would always call me the love of his life, hate me.

Changbin’s P.O.V

3RACHA pulling up looking hot as fuck. Chan dressed in his mixtape 4 outfit (cause that’s a fat OOF 🤤), Han Jisung wearing his outfit from the boxer street video (p.s author loves her baby UWU he’s so handsome.) and Changbin wearing his outfit from SBS Inkigayo ep 997 (because Oml What an absolute king of I am not a goth but black is such my colour and I own this shit). Okay visual cue out!

“What the fuck is up Seoul? We’re Chase Atlantic thanks for coming out tonight.” The crowd screams “it’s super amazing to be here tonight and we hope you all have a dope time, our first song tonight is Triggered. I wanna hear you get loud.” A man with long dirty blonde / brown hair hypes the crowd up and they begin. The music itself wasn’t bad but most of the lyrics went in one ear out the other, lots about drugs but then again I only picked up half the songs contents but after all we were only there to listen to their use of sources, beats and their instruments so if it works, it works.

Next was a song called Swin, Cassie, Into It, 23, Lust, Friends, Uncomfortable, Drugs & Money, Right Here, What U Call That, Ozone, Devilish, The Walls, Okay and then they talked for a little. I scan through the crowd from our seats which were front section of second level as I was not really understanding what they were talking about until I see her, there she was, Y/N here, or at least I think it’s her I can only see her back but she’s got the jacket I gave her on. It had a SPEAR.B patch on the back, one she had designed for me when we were only known as 3RACHA. Surely it’s her the hair colour and jacket, surely that’s MY Y/N.

“Oi Chan?” I turn to the blonde haired Aussie to my left “is that Y/N?” I question pointing to where the girl is.

“Looks like it, that’s her jacket after all and this is her favourite band.” He looks slightly annoyed I hadn’t put two and two together, Aussie band, Chase Atlantic. Y/N always talked about how one day we’d go to their concert and we’d be the hottest couple because she had me. I told her I wanted to go see the things she loves. Jesus today keeps getting worse. Time ticks on and I can’t help but watch her, the girl I love, dancing with some other guy, laughing, singing, being happy. When I left her broken-hearted.

“This is our last few songs, these are You Too, Meddle About and Like A Rockstar! Enjoy Seoul you’ve been fucking awesome.”

I watch by as she gets crazy, let’s go and enjoys herself. Was she really unphased? No, I could tell, I know her better than anyone.

The boys wrap up the show and I watch as the lead singer leaves before we head back stage. My eyes searching for her, but she’s no where to be seem.

Y/N’s P.O.V

“MITTY” I scream as I hurl myself at my oldest friend who’s laying in the green room couch. “CUTIE!” He screams back tickling me “how the fuck have you been man?” I ask as we spend time catching up we hear a knock. “Yeah come in” Mitchael screams “bro my fucking ears, Jesus” I complain getting off of him and going towards Clinton as he’s where the drinks are. “Clint? Gimme something strong yeah?” I plead “Jesus rough day?” He chuckles “you have no idea man. No I fucking dear” I sigh turning around and regretting it instantly.

There he stood, Seo Changbin looking as good as ever. Without much thought I down the entire drink and head back to sit with Mitchel, Chan breaks the momentary awkward silence “hello it’s nice to meet you, we are 3RACHA.” Chan extends his hand to Mitchel but instead he bro hugs him, “how’d you enjoy the show man?” Clinton asks Changbin as they bro hug “uh... it was really good, I-I really like the uh compositions of your music-c.” I smile slightly to myself he’s doing so well my precious boy, Y/N SNAP. OUT. OF. IT. “That’s so nice, thanks bro.”

The night or the next hour and 30 minutes at least consisted of everyone sitting on the couches sharing advice, ideas, stories and me on my phone. “You know this little chick right here is pretty good with a beat, we used to have jam sessions and she always started our old songs.” Mitchel looks down at me as I occupy the space next to him, “she even sends us samples and lyrics still to this day, cutie over here got mad skills.” My eyes go wide knowing full well Changbin just heard and understood everything that was said, I hum from behind my phone screen too scared to look up in fear I’d meet his eyes. Those same eyes I can feel burning a hole into my forehead right now, “how about we watch some of your videos, I know we get to see you live soon but aye give us a sneak peak!” Clinton changes the topic, my life saver. Chan pulls out his phone and everyone huddled around where he was sitting I stand at the back close to Changbin just too rest the waters, knowing he was both sad and jealous I didn’t want to escalate things. He notices my position and while everyone is focused on the phone snakes his arm around my waist and pulls me closer into his side “baby, you know I love you. I was a dick I am so sorry. I need you to stay with me. Please love.” He whispers in my ear sending shivers down my spine as he peppers soft, sweet kisses along my neck, “we will talk about this later” I muster up all the courage I can to detach myself from his side and go back to sitting on the couch scrolling through my phone. “Y/N, you good?” Clinton asks knowing I’ve had a few drinks “yeah boys, all g” I smile.

“Talk about sick beats man, those are dope. So you make all your own shit. Composing, mixing, lyrics. The whole lot yeah?” Changbin nods “yeah the whole lot.” He smiles confidently, fuck he’s making this hard.