#bring myself to do it! so now i have to do it and prep stuff after work!!!

[sleighhethereal]

♡ — 𝐩𝐨𝐨𝐫 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

WARNING: slight nsfw, bunnies

imagine being one of the only female best friend's of Mei, and somehow you haven't met the Monkey King at all the first season or two

you didn't really give a shit to begin with

sure, it was amazing having MK as a best friend AND successor to some immortal jackass

all you've heard from MK is that Wukong was—

"HE'S THE BEESST!" MK squealed as he swung the red staff around in the air, swiftly doing stances with each turn. "Just as the legend says, [Name]! He's strong, handsome, and- and- he taught me that you should ALWAYS believe in yourself—"

"MK, I could have told you that myself."

though, there was a small part of you that wasn't atleast curious of what or who Sun Wukong is

it seemed MK talked about you alot, because sometimes Wukong asked for you to join

"Hey [Name]." MK would approach you as you held twenty dishes in hand, "Monkey King asked me... to ask you, if you wanted to- sort of- join in on the training—?"

that'd be when MK would receive a wooden spoon to the back of his head, sending him flying to the ground face-first

"HELL NO! HE GOT ONE OF YOU, I'M NOT LETTING HIM TAKE THE OTHER!" Pigsy would screech, somehow spawning another wooden spoon in his palms.

after that, MK stayed for shifts a bit longer than expected‐ you'd ask why and he'd tell you Monkey King seemed like he was sulking, so he gave him a break

weird stuff

it was during personal training that you'd finally meet the Great Sage‐ not under great circumstances

and no, it wasn't for the end of the world

MK was prepping his own moves, with you on the side for... support? Mei came around in a bit, sitting beside you.

"I wonder what else I can do.." MK mumbled to himself, pushing his hand out as it began to glow a bright yellow. "YAAAAAAAHH!"

everything went black

and you slowly opened your eyes to see Mei beating the absolute shit out of MK

"I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY—"

"YOU TURNED MY BEST FRIEND INTO A BUNNY- CHANGE HER BACK, NOW!"

you blinked, looked down, and screamed.

you quickly rushed- well, hopped‐ towards a full-length mirror and gazed upon yourself.

you turned into a life-sized bunny

half the day was spent with MK trying to turn you back but nothing worked, just a sweaty man on the floor and a whole lot of sobbing apologies

it would've been fine but you were starting to do strange things

like, you hated Pigsy for example

"Kid, what the hell is up with you?" Pigsy asked, his eyes filled with nothing but concern.

"Don't TOUCH me!"

you found some menstrual pads, chocolate, and some take-out noodles on your bed the next day

you weren't on your period.

you nudged people, head-butted, and didn't sleep at all at night

sometimes you'd watch MK sleep and he'd wake up to your purring, and then others would wake up to his terrified screams

finally, MK took you to Flower Fruit Mountain- he couldn't turn you back himself, but someone can

that'd be the Monkey King himself

you were especially weird this week- you had made a dirty den in the shop, growling at anyone who came near

so, yeah, that was kind of the last straw for Pigsy

when Monkey King came out to greet MK and Mei, he never did

he squealed at the sight of you, pushing the kids aside (quite roughly, sending them flying off the stairs) and rushed you with open arms

he kissed your face, nibbling your cheeks— a part of him actually thought you were an early birthday gift

"O-M-G! You're so cute! What brought you here, hmmmm? Oooooooo, I just wanna eat you up and put you in my pocket-" He babbled nonsense as he carried you, pinching your cheeks.

that was until you practically pounced on his face, pulling his nose close to yours as you stared into his eyes.

"You'd give me great kittens."

"...Oh?"

It took MK a while to try and separate you both and it took a while longer convincing Wukong to turn you back

"Look, man, I need you to bring her back to her- you know, normal self."

"But why????"

"You KNOW why!"

"If dealing with her is so difficult, I could... take her off your hands—"

"MONKEY KING." "DON'T YOU DARE!"

"WHAAAAATTTT?"

eventually, after like two days, MK convinced Wukong. it would've taken longer if it weren't for you actually telling him that you wanted to be yourself again

after Wukong's dramatic tears and hard hugs, he turned you back

lucky for you, you don't remember anything that happened after being converted

well, lucky for like a few seconds after you got back to the shop

"So you kind of asked Monkey King to, uh.." MK got close to your ears, whispering the rest."

your face went red, "I did what?"

"I think he was into it too—"

"WHAT?"

[icewindandboringhorror]

sneepy cozy time....

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

[companionsofusall]

I hate feeling so unmotivated!!! I hate forcing myself to do things i LIKE to do!!! I hate making myself do things that i know make me happier!!

[jinxsleftmiddlefinger]

timebomb highschool au

(part 3)

(pt1) (pt2) (pt4) (read on ao3)

description: timebomb highschool au pretty much sums it up lol. there’s also canon storylines (vander death, vi conflict etc.) but translated into a modern context

warnings: none

Jinx knew agreeing to meet up with Vi wouldn’t end well, but she has never claimed to have good self control. After all these years, she’s just…curious.

Which is why she agrees to meet Vi at the mall. And ‘talk’, whatever that entails.

Sevika drops her off. She doesn’t really want Silco to know, not yet. She doesn’t think he’d be mad, it’d just be weird. And even though Sevika grumbles about Jinx and having to drive her places, she knows that she won’t tell Silco unless it’s necessary.

Deep breaths didn’t help prepare her to see her sister again. She doesn’t know how to feel.

She missed Vi, but she felt betrayed by her. She can never truly forgive her for turning on her after Vander’s death.

She doesn’t care about me anymore. She has Caitlyn. Jinx closes her eyes and walks towards the food court, looking for a splash of pink hair. 

And there she is. Same short haircut, same pink hair. Vi has the same face, but she doesn’t wear the same expression.

She grew up.

Jinx approaches the table slowly, her fingernails digging into her palm. After all these years, and then bam, Vi is just right there. Her sister is back.

“Hi.” Jinx stops in front of Vi’s chair. 

Hi?! Seriously, that’s all you could think to say!? Mentally, Jinx is hitting herself over the head.

Vi looks up, startled. “Pow-“ She cuts herself off, remembering being informed of her little sisters new name. “Jinx. Hi.”

Her flinch is visible when she says her sisters new name, inspired by her very own words.

Vi wraps her arms around her. For a second, Jinx is startled. She hasn’t been hugged like this in a while.

Vi smiles over her shoulder when Jinx wraps her arms around her slowly and relaxes into the hug.

Don’t cry. Don’t be weak. Jinx tells herself.

But even when she tries to seem tough, deep down, Jinx is just a little girl abandoned by her big sister.

She’s just a girl who misses her big sister.

“I’m so sorry,” Vi murmurs, pulling back from the hug. “I left…I wasn’t here for you, Jinx. I’ll never forgive myself for that. But, I realize now how awful a mistake that was, and I promise, I’m here now.”

Jinx stares at her sister for a moment, watching her. “Ok.” The smile at the corner of her lips doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Sit down,” Vi gestures to the seat across from her and sits back down into her own. “Do you, uh, want to get food?”

Jinx picks at her blue and pink nails. “I’m ok.” She bites her lip. “Thanks.”

“So…” Vi crosses her arms. “How are you doing in school lately? And uh…stuff?”

Jinx would find Vi’s awkwardness amusing if she wasn’t acting the exact same way.

Jinx get’s distracted by the sight of a blue ponytail, standing near the food court McDonald’s. It wasn’t her blue, not a vibrant, noticeable one. It had more of a purple tint.

It looked the hair colour off- But, no, it couldn’t be. Jinx had only seen her in instagram posts and pictures and that one time she secretly went to Vi’s college and spotted her outside. But there’s no way she’s here.

Except, she is. When she turns around, there’s no mistaking it’s her.

“Seriously!?” Jinx exclaims, looking at her sister angrily. “You brought her here?” 

Vi’s confusion slowly dissipates from here eyes. “I- Jinx, no, listen-“

“No!?” Jinx stands up, knocking her chair back with a bang. “She’s right there! I can tell that’s your stupid girlfriend even from over here!”

“Caitlyn is nice, I swear!” Vi stands up to, hands out towards Jinx like she’s a wounded animal. “She just…wanted to support me. And meet you! Honestly, she’s-“

“She’s a Piltie! Just another prissy prep school rich girl!” Jinx crosses her arms. “Why’d you bring her, Vi?” 

She’ll never choose me, Voices echo around Jinx’s head. No matter what I do. She’d even choose a stuck up Piltover graduate over me. She loves Caitlyn more than me.

“Jinx…” Vi pleads with her to see sense.

“I shouldn’t have come,” She snorts and turns away. “It’s whatever, Vi. Go be with her.”

“Don’t say that!” They’re starting to cause a scene in the middle of the food court, and Caitlyn’s looking over at the two of them, already aware of what they’re fighting about. “You can’t make me choose between you, Jinx! That’s not fair!”

Jinx looks at the ground, thinking of what Silco told her, of what she knows. Vi abandoned her. She shouldn’t have expected her to suddenly come around. 

“Life ain’t fair, Vi.” She snorts and walks away without looking back.

Her sister watches in shock, mouth open to call out, arms wrapped around herself. She feels her girlfriend come up behind her, wrap her arms around her waist.

“It’s not your fault, Vi.” Caitlyn tells her. “She’ll come around.” 

Jinx walks aimlessly around the mall, window shopping and glaring at people. 

Stupid, stupid me. Stupid, stupid sister.

She hopes Silco will never find out about this endeavour, because it would only lead to another one of his talks. 

Well, you were right Silco. You always are. She sighs.

Jinx has Silco, and Sevika even though she would never admit, and that was enough. It had to be.

She wandered into a store to wander aimlessly in a different place. Rows of clothes, none of them particularly interesting to her, were blurry in her peripheral vision. Then, something wasn’t blurry. Well, someone.

It was him.

Jinx smirked.

“Hello!” She appeared beside him and he jumped into the air.

“What the-“ He breathed sharply. “Jeez, you scared the shit outta-“ He paused when he saw who was standing behind him.

“Hey, new boy.” She leaned against the clothes rack he was currently browsing. “Watcha doing at the mall on this fine day?”

“Shopping.” He blinked.

“Well, duh.” She laughs and shifts closer to him. “But no one ever comes to the mall just for shopping. You’re looking for something specific. Or someone. Ya meeting someone, Ekko? You got a girlfriend?” Jinx leans closer to him.

Ekko blushes, hidden by his dark skin. “Oh, um, no.” He doesn’t know if Jinx is flirting with him or if this is just another example of her unique personality.

Jinx leans back and smiles. Bothering him is almost as amusing as bothering Sevika and Silco.

“What are you doing here?” He asks her, keeping his eyes on the clothes rack behind her.

“I was here looking for someone, but,” She sighs sarcastically. “Sisters, y’know? Can’t live with em, can’t stuff em back in the old baby maker.” She makes a crude motion with her fingers.

Ekko nods along like he knows what she’s on about. “Right…” 

Jinx studies her nails. “I guess not everyone’s sister is shacking it up with a Piltie, though.”

Ekko glances at her, confused. She rolls her eyes like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Uh, that’s like, Zaun High 101. Piltover High is some rich high end private school, and the kids there are all little bitches, let me tell you. Zaun and Piltover High are rivals.” She makes finger gun motions, shooting at each hand. She even adds endearing little pew pew sound effects.

“I see.” Ekko laughs lightly. “Thanks for telling me.” 

“You are so welcome! Wouldn’t want you to get beat to a pulp for accidentally associating with the Pilties.” Jinx says.

“Speaking of getting beat up,” Ekko says, something coming to his mind. “This guy came up to me at school the other day…said something about staying away from you and guys beating me up?”

Jinx blinks at him with wide eyes for a few moments, and he stands there awkwardly, clearly starting to think he’s done something wrong.

“Yep!” Jinx lets out a disappointed breath like this is nothing new. “Was he about ye tall, black hair? That’s Zach. He thinks he’s my ex boyfriend, or like, my now boyfriend, but I was never really that into him, ya know?” She stops leaning on the clothing rack and puts her hands in her pockets. “Just ignore him.”

“Ok.” Ekko doesn’t question about this Zach guy any further. He doesn’t want to overstep with this girl he barely knows.

Jinx pulls out her phone to look at a text that buzzed against her hip. It’s from Sevika.

I’m here to pick you up. Come get in the car.

Jinx types back: Kk! be there in a sec sevvyyyy

The response comes back immediately; Do not call me that, Jinx. And hurry up.

“Well!” Jinx slips her phone back into her pocket, noticing Ekko’s eyes catching on her blue phone case with graffiti like drawings and a monkey symbol in the middle. “Gotta go! See ya at school.”

And with that, she slips away into the mall.

[venomous-qwille]

hi qwille!!! I got questions for u! you have lots of characters planned out, and that’s super cool! but how do u usually go about that process? like all your characters are very unique, and I wonder about the design process, as well as how you make their personality distinct! how do you make character dynamics/relationships? because all the scenes I’ve read so far make the characters feel really organic, and mesh really well together! (sorry for all the questions! I’m super curious ^w^)

Hiya! Here is an answer I wrote for this question on discord recently ^^

I will try answer this as thoroughly as possible!

There was a LOT of kill your darlings involved in making characters for gitm. Originally I had a very long list of character ideas that I cut down and down based on the kind of things and themes they would give me the opportunity to write about. I love long ensemble cast stories, thinking back to ones I particularly enjoyed and the ways those characters gelled together helped me a lot. The most important thing when selecting characters was making sure they would give me something interesting to write about! I was also very keen on ones that let me explore the fics main theme of Family from a different angle. I'm not sure how helpful this all is! But yeah, I try to be pretty strict with myself about what I include. The only reason I would include two characters who were very very similar would be to emphasize a difference/divergence between them later on. Characters have to justify themselves by bringing something unique to the table, even if that thing is just a 'very different outlook on life' to the rest of the cast. Over time a lot of those character ideas became more fleshed out in my brain, and characters that were cut from the original shortlist made their way back in. They still have to be able to narratively justify themselves in order to earn a channel in the discord though!

For the gitm guys, while I dont have a literal sheet I fill out I do make sure to answer a couple of basic character work questions: What lie do they believe about themselves/the world? How does it impact the way they interact with others? What central theme do they embody most? What do they want more than anything else? How do they feel about humans? Who are they at their best and who are they at their worst? I found that by answering these sort of questions it helped me discover more about them, which creates more questions- rinse and repeat. The more questions I answered the further away they would get from each other in terms of similarities. The thing that really helped with the gitm boys, especially because their origins are so similar, was leaning in to how different their experiences were post-fazco. They are different people because the world has made them that way. Messing around with foils has been useful too! Characters are no fun in a vacuum, it's how they interact with others that makes them interesting. I like to create ones that will bring out the best and the worst in each other. I think about opposites a lot and I really like narrative symmetry- what lessons can the characters learn from each other? I find that stuff super exciting to read so I really wanted to include it. Some examples of character foils in gitm: Fool & Noon, Sombra & Sunspot, Misuta & Sol

When it comes to finding character voice, I do a lot of test drabbles (a couple of them are on this server), which I use to just fuck around until I find something that feels right. For instance- Sol was very very easy to find the voice of, where as Misuta took weeks of rewrites. Sometimes things take time. Spending this time figuring out their voices at the start really helps fic consistence in the long run, I think. Because of all that prep, I don't really have to do anything to 'get into character' when writing their dialogue (it's fairly second nature now).

In regards to coming up with a character's arc, I look at them and their themes and ask 'what the fuck happened to you, dude?' and then 'how has that entrenched a faulty world view on you?' 'what could you be driven to do because of that world view/misunderstanding?' 'what would it take to fix this world view/misunderstanding?' (the last question is the most important one!). Then voila, you have a very loose framework of a (hopepunk) character arc.

In regards to the actual planning of the fic/character arcs, I have a very big miro board (pic attached) that I use for all this! Most of the major character beats are marked out separately to plot beats etc etc. There are still a bunch of bits that only reside in my brain, but I do try to add them to my plan as soon as they become any kind of concrete. All of the characters also have a background chapter (or rather, a series of chapters that form a short story) attached to their arc, that will recontextualise everything you have learned about them so far! I am so deeply looking forward to dropping these (I already have quite a lot written).

I would say that- for your question on character relationships- the answer does come down to being really specific about what you include. Make sure characters are meaningfully different from eachother, give them goals and experiences that clash and then force them to live/work together in the same space. If you have put time into building your characters before that, then you just need to create opportunities for them to get into conflict and bring out the best/worst in eachother. I really do believe that characters are quite boring in a vacuum- which is why I put so much emphasis on including narrative foils ^^ Tyvm for the ask <3

[sketchy-tour]

I just wanted to quickly say thank you guys!! Like... LIKE REALLY!!! THANK YALL SO MUCH!!!! The amount of constant love I receive for my work has been overwhelmingly wonderful to experience. I don't even know how to put it all into words. BUT IM GONNA TRY!

FAIR WARNING! I'm about to be really really sappy under the cut. So feel free to ignore that if you wish. But I got a lot of emotions I'm about to try to say.

Hi hello and hi. Um. Well, it's hard to explain how much this has meant to me. How much your kind words have sent waves of joy through my heart. How much every like has made me smile. How every reblog has made me feel a rush of pride. Every person who spammed me with likes when finding my blog, every person who talks in the tags when reblogging me, every person who shows up constantly in my notifs, every mutual who interacts with me even in the smallest of ways, every other artist I interacted with who has been kind to me.

All of it. Every single notif has made me smile in some way and I cannot thank you enough. I was so genuinely shy about sharing Dandy with Tumblr because I began drawing Dandy at a very turbulent time of my life. My WH art and oc had become a place of comfort for my mind and I had wanted to interact with the community for a long while but I'm skittish by nature so it took a LOT of mental prep for me to start posting this stuff here.

And the fact I have so much positivity in my notifs! I really needed that. Truly, I did. I still don't see myself as a big artist by any means, but I know I'm so lucky to have the bit of engagement I do from yall!

I feel like I'm rambling. Needless to say...it means the absolute world to me that the art that brings me joy is given such love by yall. Even if hyperfixations change, even if time marches us all in different directions, I'm thankful to have this. Right now. When I needed it.

[justwater4meeeeeeeeee]

Girl, you said you'd up your intake but you're still losing weight and eating so low and you were sick, please take care? You can increase your intake slowly just as you did with decreasing, you're not losing control but at this point you can get really injured or sick. Your dream is to keep dancing so be a bit healthy for it. Even in your bio you have 'maintaining' but you're losing (your weight update post). Idk why I'm ranting, I've been coming across so many TikToks of people getting sick and injured and it made me think of you, i wouldn't wish that on anyone and you're so sweet 🥹 happy new years!

You are so sweet, yeah I need to take care of that, but is tougher than I thought. Still I am a control freak so I know I will be able to do it. At least I am not losing like 10lbs per week.

I need to take stuff like this more seriously, I am having a fun time losing but I can’t lose anymore ughhhh.

Anyways I think I am doing better now with kinda upping my calories. The thing is that I have to eat throughout the day but I am not hungry early and I don’t want to force myself to eat, that’s my big NO NO.

But my safe food is very low calories so I have to be okay with a little high calorie treat to bring my calories to maintenance, my plan is to start making more elaborate meals so I can make sure I up my calories and they are healthy (because if not my ortho self will go mad) but I haven’t had enough time to cook with dancing, skating, end of school etc etc.. so I am going to try to meal prep again hot meals or something like that

[b-skarsgard]

Exclusive Interview: Bill Skarsgård On Making Orlok His Own In NOSFERATU

Bill Skarsgård has been in the Nosferatu loop since writer/director Robert Eggers first began conceiving it almost 10 years ago. This was before Skarsgård had his horror-star-making turn as Pennywise in It, so initially, he auditioned for the part of Friedrich Harding, friend of central couple Thomas and Ellen Hutter. Then he read for and landed the part of Thomas before the project fell apart. Nosferatu, in fact, went through a few stops and starts before finally coming to fruition, with Skarsgård ultimately taking on the titular role of the hundreds-of-years-old vampire Count Orlok.

Eggers’ reimagining of the 1922 silent landmark gives Orlok a new look but the same goal: to possess Ellen (Lily-Rose Depp) and drain the life from those around her. The film, which also stars Nicholas Hoult as Thomas, Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Harding, and Willem Dafoe as occult expert Professor Albin Eberhart Von Franz, presents Orlok as a resuscitated, centuries-old nobleman driven by obsession as much as bloodlust. (You can read more of this interview in FANGORIA #26, on sale very soon.)

read at the link or under the cut

Do you happen to know what Eggers’ change in thinking was, from seeing you in one of the heroic roles to playing the villain?

I don’t know if there are any heroic roles in the movie [laughs], apart from Ellen, in a way. I don’t know what changed in him, but that’s just how it ended up. At one point I was devastated because when it did finally look like Nosferatu was coming around for the third time, he was looking into other actors for Thomas, and then I heard that Nick got the part, and I was like, OK, what about the Harding role?

I also once read for that one. And then Aaron got it, and I was like, OK, I have to divorce myself from the idea of being part of this movie now, even though I felt so, I don’t know, destined to be a part of it. So it was a surprise and shock to me when he approached me with Orlok. In a lot of ways, it was a much more daunting task to undertake as an actor. It was as terrifying as it was exciting.

This is obviously a very different Orlok than we saw in the previous versions of Nosferatu. How did you view the character when you first took the role, and how did you develop him with Eggers?

Robert had obviously done a lot of thinking about what his Orlok would be like. And when he reached out to me about the possibility of playing him, I think he was a lot more confident that I could do it than I was [laughs]. But I was so thrilled for the opportunity, and I told him, “OK, now we’ll have to convince everyone”; we had to submit to the studio and whatnot.

We had this kind of 10-day workshop where he shared with me a lot of the material he had used for inspiration—different performances in different movies, what Orlok would have been like when he was alive, all that kind of stuff. And also how he saw Orlok’s look, which was quite specific. Then I started working on it.

I began with voice memos, and then I would send little clips of myself doing certain things. This was all before the actual screen test; it was all during COVID. Those 10 days were a very deep dive into the process of developing this guy, and proof for myself that I could do it. It was a great sort of dating phase with Robert as well, to see how we would collaborate. Auditions are usually horrible, but with this particular way of doing it, it was quite creative.

Then the movie fell apart again, so when we actually got to shoot it, I believe it had been two and a half years since I did the tape. So I almost had to restudy what I did for the tape in order to start re-prepping for the movie because, at that point, I was at the same place of, how the hell did I do this, or can I do it? I had to go through all that again, you know?

What were some of Eggers’ specific inspirations for Orlok that he shared with you, and were there any you came up with yourself?

There were a lot of different things. There was a Bulgarian movie called Time of Violence—a great movie, over four hours long, set in Bulgaria in the 17th century. And there’s this guy, the antagonist of the movie, taking over a village and forcibly converting Christians, and it’s incredibly violent and horrible. That performance was something Robert talked a lot about in terms of who Orlok could have been when he was alive. We talked about that one a lot, and various different things—little snippets from here and there.

But that was during the very early stages. Once you start delving deeper into a character, hopefully, you start getting inspiration from whatever it is you’re actually working on, and that creates seeds that come out of it. Robert also wrote a backstory for Orlok, just a few pages, that he shared with me, which was also very helpful.

You said before that there aren’t many heroes in Nosferatu except for Ellen. Would you consider Orlok a villain, or do you see him more as a tragic character?

He’s the romantic lead, isn’t he [laughs]? Yeah, it’s tricky. Is he a villain? Yeah, of course; I mean, he’s Nosferatu, he’s Dracula, he’s one of the most, if not the most iconic horror villain there is. But I think the script has nuances that make it more complex, more layered, in the sense that the movie is sort of a love triangle with Ellen in the middle. She’s torn between a good, stable, benevolent, loving husband and something that is very powerful, very destructive, but also very alluring to her, and you watch her being torn between these two forces.

How was it working with the heavy prosthetics that transformed you into Orlok?

David White did the prosthetics and the design, and he’s incredibly talented. And Stuart Richards and his wife were the ones who applied it on me every day. You tend to become very close to those people, because they’re the ones you spend the most time with when you’re playing a character like this. Just immensely talented, and very, very sweet.

And then there’s the process of getting it on for the first time and you’re like, OK, what works and what doesn’t work? How do my face and my expressions translate onto this new face that they’ve glued on top of mine? It becomes a whole process where you need to familiarize yourself with how your performance is being translated through the prosthetics. But I never felt like Orlok without the makeup, so the prosthetics and the costume were all pieces that I needed to perform him.

Since you were attached to the role for a few years, did the concept of Orlok change at all from the beginning to what we see in the final film?

Actually, not too much. Robert shared with me, when I was being considered for the role, a digital drawing he had made of Orlok, and that was pretty close to what he ended up looking like in the actual movie. Obviously, there were little changes here and there, but the essence of it, the mustache and so forth, stayed pretty close.

A lot of the character’s look is, what did a Romanian or Hungarian nobleman look like in the 16th century? As you probably know, Robert does extensive research and tries to be as historically accurate as possible in anything he does. So, the look is a representation of that. It’s a historically accurate Romanian nobleman [laughs]. And the same with the costumes. It was pretty specific, and what Orlok looks like in the movie is pretty close to what Robert initially envisioned.

Can you talk about working with Lily-Rose Depp?

It was an absolute pleasure working with Lily. I haven’t seen many people with such raw talent as she possesses, and how much she gives to the movie. It’s not an easy role at all; it was so emotionally demanding, and the way she could just turn it on every single time, take after take, was awe-inspiring.

The first few scenes I did with her, I wasn’t even acting; I was just a shadow hand behind the camera. And I could just see how gifted she was, and the nuances she brought. Then once we started doing scenes together, I couldn’t appreciate it as much because I was also performing, and we were dancing together. But she’s incredible, and an undeniable force in the movie. •

[dutifullylazybread]

just found you, i see a lot of pre and post family with the teefs. what about during? and directly after? how do they care for their partner during pregnancy? especially if its a diffcult one? and afterward when their partners body has changed and maybe they're less confident about the extra weight, softer body, the extra rolls and teh stretch marks that wont go away? how does each bachelor help or make it better ir suddenly realize that is even wrong to begin with? what if they accidentally something bring out that newly found weakness in their partners confidence? ( sorry if youre busy i know you got stuff to do- i just figured youre the person who could slam dunk these thoughts i had)

Have I... GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN JOIN THE TIEFLING HEAD CANON SQUAD???????

ADDED 4/26/24: This might be a rough list, but I hope you all enjoy!! ❤️

OKAY. I GOTTA ADD CAL. I'M ADDING CAL. THIS SWEET MAN IS A TIEFLING BACHELOR AND DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH FAN CONTENT... YET.

And thank you for bearing with me--I know that this ask was sent in a hot minute ago! I'm hoping I answered all of your questions; I got to a point of this sitting in my drafts where I just felt bad about how long it had been there, so I tried to be thorough but I wanted to get this out sooner rather than later. I mostly worked on this when I had a few spare moments between chapters, and then I said "screw it. This is getting done. TODAY."

So, for Cal, Rolan, Zevlor, and Dammon--let's go!

DISCLAIMER - I do not have children myself, nor have I ever been pregnant. So I shall do my best!

JUST IN CASE - A CONTENT WARNING: While writing these head canons, I did refer to the tiefling's partner as "you." If reading about being pregnant makes you uncomfortable for any reason, please be aware and be kind to yourself. I have zero doubt in my mind that I will be creating another head canon list, so if you need to pass or wait on this one, that's absolutely okay. Your mental health is important.

Cal

While Cal's partner is pregnant, he will do absolutely anything and everything to make sure they are comfortable. To say that he is doting is putting things very mildly.

He will make your favorite meals, will go out and get whatever you are craving (late night runs--not a problem), will rub your swollen ankles.

Too hot? He's asking Rolan for a cantrip scroll to fix it. Too cold? He's already piling you with blankets.

Are you feeling sick and nauseous? He's already prepping something for you to eat/drink that doesn't have an offensive smell.

And if it's a hard pregnancy? I don't see him leaving your side. If he does, he has Rolan create a sending stone set for the two of you so that you can reach out to him for anything and everything.

Honestly, he doesn't get far enough for him to even use the sending stones. He is looking for anything and everything to make the pregnancy easier on you. If he wasn't a light sleeper before, he is now because he doesn't want you to lay there in pain.

There may be points where he feels helpless because while he can do things to try and alleviate any physical discomfort, there are just times when he might just grasp at straws.

And, in situations where he can't alleviate your physical discomfort, he will do what he can to distract you.

He keeps his stress managed well enough, but that doesn't mean he won't snap at Lia or Rolan if he is too anxious. If he does get openly frustrated with them, it takes both off guard.

I also think he just holds you. A lot. Part of that is to comfort you, and the other part is to assure himself that everything will be okay.

If his partner is dealing with body image issues after giving birth, I see him being confused. You? The most enchanting person he has ever known?

Cut to him kissing you and holding you whenever possible. He'll ask Lia and Rolan to watch the baby whilst the two of you go on outings when your health permits. If it helps you to hear it, he'll remind you how lovely you are. Frequently. Hourly. Every five minutes? Not quite, but close enough.

Personally, I don't think his doting goes away after the pregnancy. And, if it is too much, it might make you feel like he views you as helpless.

If you give voice to this, he goes into immediate mediation mode. He will be extremely apologetic. He loves you and never wants you to think he perceives you as anything other than the phenomenal person you are.

Rolan

Ugh. My beloved.

He might be more stressed about having a child than you are.

He never anticipated being a father, and that might be for 15+ reasons, but he feels drastically unprepared (even if the pregnancy was planned).

He reads every. Single. Book. On pregnancy. He is the parent who gives himself nightmares when he reads about birthing complications.

Every sign of discomfort that you show is a catastrophe on the horizon.

And if it's a difficult pregnancy? Yeah. Dial that up by five notches.

He is preparing for all worst-case scenarios.

If it weren't for Cal and Lia keeping him in check, he would be safety-proofing everything in the tower.

He crafts sending stones so you can call for him if you need anything. ANYTHING.

But also, he starts shadowing midwives and asking lots of questions. If the worst were to happen and you couldn't reach a professional, he wants to be there to help you.

After giving birth, I see him splitting his anxiety between your health/recovery and the baby's overall well-being.

"The baby sneezed. That might indicate five different lethal illnesses. I'm fetching the cleric."

This is another situation where you, Cal, and Lia might have to remind him that, yes, babies do sometimes sneeze, and not everything that lands in the diaper spells doom.

Rolan might not initially understand why you're feeling self-conscious about any weight gain. Of course you're lovely. Also, isn't that what happens with pregnancies? (His words--not mine).

He assures you that you're lovely, but words might not be enough here. He might shove his foot in his mouth while trying to make the situation better.

But the best thing for him to do is remind you, repeatedly, that you are lovely. And that might not have been something he was accustomed to even saying to you prior to you conceiving. He would assume you knew that he was attracted to you.

It honestly might be the strangest (and most endearing) thing to have him say "You look very lovely today. Yes, even with the baby's spit up on your shirt."

Zevlor

*nervously staring at the tiefling I am the most unsure about writing.*

*cracks my knuckles and cries because it hurt like hell*

Zevlor has been through some of the most heinous things that can be thrown at someone. He is a seasoned soldier. A Hellrider. Surely he can help his partner through pregnancy. After all, there were plenty of soldiers in the barracks who has pregnant spouses. He's heard enough stories that he feels prepared.

He survived the Elturel's Descent. It's possible that he helped safeguard someone who was in the middle of giving birth or guided expecting parents to safety. Maybe he had to fight off the devil's skulking the streets if they caught wind/heard that person enduring birthing pains?

So maybe, he thinks, he has already seen some of the worst births ever. Maybe, he thinks, in this time of relative peace, in this home that he and his love have created, it'll be easier?

My personal headcanon for Zevlor is that he put EVERYTHING into being a Hellrider/paladin. It was his life. It was his every breathing moment. And when he became an oathbreaker, it destroyed him. His life was devoted to protecting others, and he feels that he failed in the worst of ways possible.

He certainly had friends and very possibly family that he would see on occasion, but I think that, if you didn't fight alongside him/live in the barracks too, you very likely didn't see much of him.

So maybe he has heard a great deal about pregnancies. And maybe he knows about the complicated ones--just a bit. But he himself is at a loss for when his partner tells him that they are pregnant.

Is he excited? Absolutely. Is he terrified. Oh yeah.

Regardless of how complicated the pregnancy is, he is nervous. He is worried that he will slip up in all the ways that matter, and he is terrified of letting you down.

He's a soldier though, and he prepares for everything.

He has additional blankets and pillows next to the bed.

Hot and cold compresses are ready to go.

He makes sure that he accounts for your cravings whenever shopping.

He has medicine for when the pain is severe. And when the medicine doesn't cut it, he tries his best to distract you--his mileage varies.

And this man adores you. So after the pregnancy, if you are feeling self-conscious, he will worship your body.

Dammon

I could see Cal and Dammon both being very doting, but Dammon would be juggling the forge and helping you.

If you spent a lot of time in the forge with him prior to pregnancy but find that being in there now makes you feel ill, he will absolutely feel lonelier. He is definitely the sort of person who gets very absorbed in his work, and I think this makes him feel guilty. Especially if he feels like him being there could have made things easier for you.

He becomes a meal prep king. Will cook several comfort meals for you to eat while he is working.

Massages swollen ankles and feet and anything else.

While he might have worked later hours in the forge before, he makes a point to wrap things up sooner to spend evenings with you.

That doesn't mean he isn't nervous--you're about to have a child, and he does worry if there will be enough money.

He worries that if he does slow down, commissions will dry up, and then where will that leave the three of you?

If the pregnancy is difficult, he feels guilty for leaving you alone and looks for hundreds of ways to make things easier.

Eventually, he creates a small sitting space for you near the doorway to the shop itself. It's not so close to the forge that you'll be uncomfortably hot or so close that the smell will make you sick, and he sets up a small tarp to create some shade.

If you helped Dammon in the forge before the pregnancy, he is likely hesitant to have you come back and immediately help. Especially if the birth was difficult.

But what you need, more than anything from him, is time

And Dammon wants to be a parent who is present in your life and the baby's, so he does everything to be there.

But money is still a stressor. And he might worry about you being in the forge again. So he's stressed on all fronts.

And while I don't see him commenting or changing how he treats his partner because of weight change, I do see him being VERY reluctant to have you work in the forge with him.

And this may lead to an argument. You know he is stressed about commissions and being there for you and the baby, but you still want to help.

So Dammon dials it back several notches and agrees that you know your body best. So long as you feel comfortable working in the forge, and so long as you listen to your body, the two of you can start it from there.

And it gets easier to balance the forge and child rearing. While the baby isn't allowed close to the open heat/flame until they fully understand why they must be careful (and until their lungs are developed), you and Dammon create a small swing/play area nearby.

[valeriianz]

For the fic writer asks:

4. Obviously you did research for BitB. I'd love you to ramble about it if you like I'm sure you've got STORIES

5. Did you outline it?

7. How'd you decide it would be Hob's pov?

25-27 I'd love to know a/some favorite lines, details, and any lore you might want to share

omg TJ what wonderful questions! thank you!! this is going to get LONG!

4: Rambling about research!

do you wanna see a screen shot of my bookmarks under my "band au" folder?

man, and that's only what could fit on the screen.

there is... SO MUCH i chose to ignore for this fic. ideas that i had to drop, lines or extra details about the other band members equipment. more logistics, what Lucienne actually does, what Mervyn has to put up with as the new touring stage manager... i realized very early on that i couldn't possibly cram all this (super cool and eye opening) information into the fic and still keep reader's interest and, most importantly, to not stray away from the fact that this is a dreamling fic. whenever i felt myself getting carried away with a side character or job or even social media numbers, gossip, outside POVs, i had to reign myself in and get back on track. there will be time for exploring everything i missed in side stories after BitB is finished. i just hope i still have the energy to write it all.

once, i was so deep into research that after publishing chapter 2, i went into work and when my chef asked what "GA" meant on my prep list, i answered with full confidence, "general admission."

(it means "get ahead.")

the worst part of this entire writing process is im still learning new shit. i havent rewatched or read a lot of what i've saved because, to be very honest, i was feeling a little burnt out. it's why we're kinda full steam dreamling now. it's why ive been glossing over a lot of technical stuff and being vague about conversations amongst the crew/not including it at all. i don't prefer ignoring my research, but at the end of the day i want to still enjoy writing this fic and finish it. even if i can't be as descriptive and detailed and nuanced as i used to be.

5: Did you outline the fic?

(also asked by @hardly-an-escape!)

i wouldn't call what i have a proper "outline," it's more like a 20k word document filled to the brim with notes that i skim at least a dozen times while i'm writing a new chapter (being in my brain is literally hell). i live multichapter life very dangerously. i copy and paste lines or sections (always scattered, never together! augh!) that are meant to go together and plop them in a new document titled "band au ch.#" and then i structure the chapter around what i want to happen.

but to answer this question in the plainest of terms: yeah. i know exactly what's going to happen up until the very end. even if its all in my head and the only concrete shit that's written down are beats/plot points. i'll figure out the rest later!

7: How'd you decide it would be Hob's POV?

i actually never even considered writing it from Dream's POV. this was my first fic in the fandom (which is so nuts to think about lol) and writing in Dream's POV sounded so scary lol. i also just thought Hob's would be easier because i have worked a few backstage shows, back in my college years. i figured eh, i can make this work. and i loved exploring how weird and mysterious musicians can be, from a normie's POV. making Hob a fan first and having him worry about developing a parasocial relationship... it was fun to explore.

25: Share your favorite line

oh god, i have so many haha.

“What are you thinking about?” starting in ch.2 and onward lmao

“It’s–” Dream laughs quietly, bitterly. “I don’t like change.” He says each word with emphasis, eyes trailing down to fixate somewhere past Hob. “And I still hold onto the things I can control, like my instruments–” his eyes swing up to regard Hob apologetically. “Or my clothes or my–” he brings a hand up and wiggles his fingers around his head. “My hair.” ch.4

"His majesty is pleased." ch.5

“You are obsessive,” he states, slow and cool and with a quiet smile cracking through his composure. “Just like me.” ch.7

“You look good.” Hob has to lean in to say so, unwilling to raise his voice amongst the roar of the fans. ch.11

“Del looks like porcelain, but she’s actually made of steel.” Desire swirls the contents of their glass before pushing their shoulders back with a deep breath. “She's tougher than all of us.” ch.11

“Everything. I want…” his fingers tighten in Hob’s hair, pulling him closer, speaking against his lips. “…Everything.” ch.14

26: Share your favorite detail

how intentionally coy Dream behaves. i love keeping him a mystery and deciding when and how much to allow his intentions to peek through has been so fun lol.

Despair is in fact covered in tattoos and piercings! i say this because i feel like sometimes i forget lmao. (but also her and Hob don't interact much so. my bad haha).

Delirium's constant explosion of color in the way she dresses <3

Hob's dedication to his job, Dream, and the people he cares about the most. i don't care if people think i'm making him too soft and good, im gonna project on that man and make him a sweet, sweet simp lmao

and ah, this doesn't matter anymore, and i kinda regret doing it but. i originally had Dream's favorite bass all black but the pickguard was white. so it actually looked like Jessamy. not gonna lie when @designtheendless drew it all black i decided i liked it better that way. and truly i do. that's when i went back to ch.1 and changed it haha. to actually see the guitar with Dream, all done up sparkling black and purple flecks... gosh it's just so him. but then i got up to the reveal that the guitar's name was Jessamy and i was like, "oh, right." lmao. no one seems to care so i'll leave it be.

27: Share a piece of lore you made up for the story

i have a lot lmao. and this post is already so long... im hoping i can get to some if not all of it in side fics in the future. but for now, here's some that's more like headcanons but:

Dream hates flying. he can full on go into panic attacks on the plane if he allows himself to get into his own head.

this was mentioned briefly in ch.4, while Dream was discussing the formation of the band, but Despair was in another band before joining Endless. she is the only character in the fic who gets to keep her English roots (lol sorry) and is the oldest in the band (30).

all of the band members ages: Dream, Desire, and Death are all 28 and Delirium is 22.

Dream can experience subdrop after going too hard during a performance.

Dream paints his own nails, it's very therapeutic.

as an exercise, i explored my own headcanons for Dream in this verse in a word doc, and one thing i will share from it that you might find interesting: If I were to ever give Dream a theological values, I would describe him as a satanist. He is a physical and pragmatic person, nonconforming, and although he is introverted, he enjoys being a part of a community (he loves his band).

also found this in my notes: How Desire and Dream got along was Death making them fight it out. Hob raises an eyebrow “like in a brawl?” He couldn't imagine Desire throwing hands. “No, in a pillow fight that escalated in hair pulling and verbal taunts.”

fic writer asks

[starlitprism]

GMing and Cooperation

So you're probably thinking "oh like a tabletop game. Cooperating. Telling a story together" and you're right! Sorta. We're getting more specific than that. I am going to start by posing a question. When does character creation end? Does it ever? Does it have to? Should it?

I don't know about most people but I am one of the people in my friend's group who is almost always the GM of her group. I like GMing. I love telling a story. I also sometimes want to let loose and not have to craft something from the ether for several others... but not completely.

See, I have a GM's love of creation and that means I have a really hard time, well, not creating. So I talk with my GM (another forever GM) and go over thing after thing after thing proposing ideas, giving my thoughts, sharing my character's current state of mind, and possible ways to take the character in the future. We're in near constant dialogue at least insofar as in between each session I bring up the character at least once or twice.

And some of you might ask why? Don't I want mystery? Don't I want to be surprised? YES. I live for it actually. Curiosity is one of my primary motivators as a player. Few things will invest me more than a mystery to delve into (the other way being excessive emotional and consensual stabbings of myself during the game in the form of shit happening to or around my character). And this need not get rid of ALL mystery! The other reason being I literally told my GM to "make me bleed" and then point out the various ways she could emotionally stab my character and myself. It's very helpful

Not all GMs want to talk this much I imagine. To have a player so involved but I want to advocate for it anyway. It's a cooperation between the player and the GM to craft a story. Maybe you don't know the ending but sometimes it's ok to know a few story beats. It removes some of the pressure from the game master or whatever your term is and instead, you give something to them. A tool. An outline. Jolly cooperation at its best.

Hell, most recently my character started planning for a party for example (see here: https://www.tumblr.com/starlitprism/757035153048715264/me-to-my-gm-ok-my-character-is-prepping-for?source=share )

Now I could have left this stuff up to the GM but I didn't. I came back with a party playlist, party games (mechanics included), and a guest list. I largely just built it all for her. Because my character was making it. Why shouldn't it have my touch all over the damn thing? PLUS it let said GM focus on my oncoming possible demise (and the demise of the multiverse. Not my fault). I admit this blog post is less an argument for this as much as examples of it working but I wanted to write it anyway as a sort of recommendation to try it. To talk to whoever is running your game and ask them "do you want to work together?" It will make it easier on them and will let you have more say assuming it is agreed upon.

A tabletop game is not somewhere where one person runs the show and the rest are there to passively watch. No. It's collaborative storytelling. So why not collaborate? And who knows, maybe you'll bottle some lightning together

And no I don't expect this to be entirely new. I just want to share something that has brought me SO much joy for so long.

[forfuckssakejim]

Bring fucking depressed and in the medical field is wild. Like. I literally take care of people and tell them to do basic things but I can’t make myself do it.

I have no problem convincing my patients to get in the shower but I’ve been procrastinating for the last few days and even doing so now.

Taking medication? Fucking difficult.

Doing basic hygiene? Nah, never heard of her.

Like. I had built up my plans for today to do more stuff around the house and make appoints now that I finally have insurance again and fill out my planner for the month.

The most I did today was buy groceries, cook, and do some loads of laundry.

But that’s a win! I went food shopping! I cooked two meals today! And I meal prepped so I have food for work for the weekend. I did like. 4 loads of laundry and folded 90% of the stuff that I’ve done all week.

But it’s so hard to accept the win because there’s still so much I didn’t do. Didn’t call my doctor. Didn’t look for a new chiropractor. Didn’t do a lot of the things I wanted.

But I did stuff.

And I hate that I feel like I’m not doing enough because I really am trying my hardest and this existence with depression is really not the kind of life I want to live and I hate it.

I still need to shower.

[calcitedraws]

FENS DIARY

Tw: Mentions of death, suicide, depression, brief mentions of sexuality and Fen being generally sort of creepy and trying to rationionalize it.

Around 2,300 words

This was supposed to be a few entries and I got too invested lol and I use y/n because I'm old school. Also when Fen says 'Im not a girl' that isn't indicating a bio or gender identity I was just including the fact that they're nonbinary.

November 17th

I haven't written in a while, eh? After… what happened I sort of shut down for a while. Even now I want to shut down, but my dad always said I should face things head on. Ok, as my therapist used to say: if I don't know how to word something I should just say it as plainly as I can to get started.

I'm in pain.

I can't sleep I can't eat and I can't fucking breathe. The only person making sure I have a moderately healthy sleep/wake cycle is Dandelion, and even then he doesn't seem to mind if I sleep on the couch all day as long as he's fed.

I'm packing to head down to the funeral and I came by my journal. I don't even know why I'm doing this. This is fucking stupid.

I'm scared of seeing them. I haven't seen my mom or siblings in… 5 odd years? I never even came out to them. I'll have to explain so much that I'm just not in the goddamn mood to. I don't even think they want to see me. Dad told me that once they figured out the whole situation that they didn't take it well.

Dandelion keeps curling up in my suitcase. If he behaved better in crates, I'd bring my little man with. But he chews on the bars and yowls, so I'm leaving him at one of those pet boarding places.

November 19th

I don't want to go tomorrow. I'm sitting here at this shitty hotel desk that's sticky in this shitty hotel room that smells like booze and mothballs. There's a weird mark on the carpet and I can't decide if it's old blood or a shit stain. Either way it's suspiciously big. The people in the other room keep having really loud and bad sounding sex, all the damn time. Like, literally, their headboard is apparently against the same spot as mine, because the thumping keeps me awake. I tried to move my bed and found another stain that I'm convinced is blood. I put the bed back and slept on the tiny couch in the room. I'm pretty sure there's bedbugs on every fabric surface.

OH MY GOD THOSE TWO ASSHATS ARE HAVING SEX AGAIN!!! WHY ARE THEY BLASTING THAT ONE SONG FROM SHREK 2 I HATE THIS HOTEL

November 20

I'm just sitting here. At this sticky desk again. I don't think I can do this. It's 3:30 AM and I can't go back to sleep. Waiting for my sleeping meds to kick in.

My therapist always said that the best time to journal about something is when it's the hardest to think about.

I wish I had someone. I like to think soulmates exist. Maybe Dad was right and that's all horse shit. Maybe I should just throw myself into oncoming traffic instead of going to his funeral.

I've been paying more attention to cars recently. Funny how many look like my dad's.

I think the meds are kicking in? No clue, maybe I'm just too angry to think.

—---------------

It's 8:10 AM and I need to leave in 20 minutes.

I've decided to go, because I owe it to him. I think I'd hate myself more if I didn't go.

What do I even do if I see my mom again? Is she even my mom? Am I allowed to wave if she spots me? Will she even recognize me. I can recognize her. I've been cyber talking her Facebook. Her husband and her just got back from a weekend trip to the Bahamas.

I haven't dared look for my siblings. I miss Sherry.

Had to take a minute to reign myself in.

I'm glad my aunt (my dad's sister) took care of the funeral prep. Shes nice. Haven't talked to her in a half a decade, I should send a nice letter after the funeral.

The thought of coming back to that house alone is killing me. No more face times. No more random phone calls. No more sending him pictures of weird stuff Dandelion did.

I need to head out soon. My hair is greasy. My eyes hurt. I look like shit. But I have to go.

I forgot to charge my phone last night but there should be enough juice in it to get me there and back. Don't know where I'm headed since I've never been here. My dad said I wouldn't like where he lived because it's crowded. Maybe I can just throw myself into oncoming traffic after.

—----------------

I think I met an angel.

I got lost after the funeral and my phone died. I started crying in the middle of the side walk like some fucking weirdo when I spotted them.

They were so cute, in their cozy sweater and jeans. They asked what was wrong and I said I was lost and that my phone died.

They actually lead me back to the hotel! Apparently they live here in the city too but near the outskirts. I never got their name, I'm such a fucking idiot.

I've always felt like there's been a wall between me and other people. But with them… I didn't feel that. I felt I had known them all my life.

Shit, here I am rambling about someone I just met after going to my dad's funeral.

It was awkward. Like, painfully awkward. No one approached me. My dad's funeral was closed casket, which all things considered, makes sense. But I felt like if I opened that casket it'd be empty. It was a weird feeling.

I didn't know any of his friends and only Sherry showed up to the funeral. I don't know why but that somehow made everything worse. Sherry couldn't even look at me. I didn't stick around long afterwards. She looks so different from when I last saw her (why did she go blonde?) but I recognized her instantly.

I'm packing up to head home. I technically don't need to go until tomorrow but the longer I stay here the more I feel the need to itch the back of my throat with a shotgun. At least at home I can cry into Dandelions fluffy belly.

January 8th

—------------------

Guess who's forced me out of rotting in my bed? My boss threatening to fire me if I don't log on and do my job!

A fair point, but fuck him anyway.

I said I'd log on today and he seemed satisfied.

So here I am instead, procrastinating. I can't keep my eyes open for very long. I mean, I logged on and have been reading meeting notes. That's progress.

Dandelion has been very accommodating with allowing me to randomly pick him up and cry loudly into his fur.

Oh! I found a new cat! Her name is Queenie and she's a little black cat. I found her right outside the hotel I was staying at before the funeral. I thought she had that lethal cat bloat I had heard about, but she was just really pregnant! Like, ready to pop pregnant. She gave birth on Christmas and now I have a small army of tiny black and orange kittens! I woke up to 6 of them on Christmas morning. They're all so small and cute and they won't stop meowing very very loudly. I got Queenie spayed as quickly as I could afterwards.

Queenie warmed up to my quickly despite being a stray. I named her that because she's a little diva. The amount of times I had to separate her and Dandelion from fighting over mutually favorited spots is well, embarrassing since these are two adults. But now? Queenie just lays on top of Dandelion and he seems to enjoy it.

Why am I jealous of two cats?

January 15th

—----------------

Oh my God I found them. The person who saved me and lead me back to the hotel, I found them!

Ok, so, I'm a penetration tester, which means I hack into systems. It's boring so I never talk about it. But, the job we were handed made us pen test a random hospital and I found them! They went in for a checkup recently and I found their data while spelunking! I took a picture of their government ID before I could stop myself.

I can't believe I found them! I clicked on a random name because I liked the way it looked and it leads me right to them! I know it's them, because the ID card looks like them and says they live near where they said they did.

I've been looking at our star signs. I also found their social media and they're so chatty! I think they just think their friends are watching because they post sporadically. I scrolled through everything I could find during my lunch break.

Oh my God I sound insane. This is insane and totally illegal. I need to step back and calm down.

January 25th

—----------

I tried!! Couldn't step back couldn't calm down. I've been cyber talking a stranger for like, a week now.

But I've come to a revelation: I'm very greasy. I haven't showered in… no clue to be honest. I only realized because I accidentally leaned against the sliding glass door and my head left a strong imprint on the glass.

I haven't changed my bedsheets in a while either. Or vacuumed, or cleaned the kitchen, or swept the patio. So instead of any of that I have spent the entire afternoon paralyzed on the couch in sustained fear. Dandelion has joined me.

February 4th

—----------------

I finally got fed up of being greasy and took an actual shower instead of sitting under the water staring at the floor and disassociating for like, half an hour. The sheer amount of dead skin I scrubbed off is embarrassing.

*Y/n* (the name of my angel) talked about spring cleaning early online. They even have the link to their favorite songs to listen to while cleaning. I recognize some of the songs but most of them are new to me. Maybe if I listen to the playlist it'll make me want to clean?

Update: It did. Managed to clean the kitchen and living room before getting tired. Maybe I should start working out again…?

Feb 14th

—-------------

Y/n is single! (Very good information to know)

When I clean I just put y/n’s play list on and I'm suddenly full of energy.

I think it eases the loneliness. I miss my dad.

Feb 20th

—--------------

I've discovered something about myself that I can't unlearn. I think I have a praise kink?? I was watching my favorite show with Dandelion and one of the characters that kind of looks y/n said ‘good girl' to the main character and. I got so horny I had to pause the show and sit in silence. I'm not even a girl. What the fuck just happened? I think the cats know because they've been staring at me judgementally all afternoon.

March 1st

—-------------

Lasagna is my enemy.

April 29th

—------------

It was my dad's birthday yesterday. He would've been 46 today.

I sort of shut down for the entire month, again. House is a fucking mess. Only think I can manage is taking care of the cats, who don't seem to mind the mess.

I just wish I had someone. The house is pretty quiet. Sometimes I put the TV on to avoid how quiet it is. I miss talking to my dad, about literally anything. The weather, what my cats were up to, about my dad's new girlfriend of the week, literally anything. I miss how funny he was. I remember when I was in secondary school how him and I would watch TV every Friday night and eat Mac n cheese from the box.

May 1st

—--------------

I think I'm in love with y/n?? Is that a thing you can do? I had a dream we went on a date to a coffee shop and then we went home and made dinner and I kept making them laugh and smile and when I woke up I just burst out sobbing. I literally couldn't calm down for who knows how long.

But I want something like that! I want it so badly! I want to make them dinner while they talk with me! I want to cozy up to them on the couch while watching a movie! I want to hear them breathe next to me at night!

So I might've done something maybe unethical. I located their IP Address. Which isn't bad since I already know their physical address and their safe with me and it's not like it's illegal to find it!

May 10th

—------

So I did something stupid. I did something really fucking stupid I hacked into their email. All it took was a phishing scheme and bam, I was in. And Lord knows how everything is connected to emails nowadays. I'm a criminal now. I've been reading their emails for like, three hours. I mean… the government can like totally see your emails so it's not that big of a deal?? Right???

Oh my God I'm a criminal now!

But I'm learning so much!

May 18th

—-----

The time has come. Queenies kittens have all found new homes, I can't have all these cats in the house. But I kept my favorite kitten; Cali, the little calico. Short of Hotel California, My dad's favorite song.

Cali is a menace against society. He's chewn through wires, eaten pillows, and I've had to take him to the vet twice for eating batteries. I don't think another family can handle him.

I like to think he gets this from Dandelion, who despite being well over ten years old still chews on wooden furniture.

June 19th

—-------

I've been trying to find a way to say this that doesn't sound bad. But like, I literally can't? So I'll just say it.

I broke into y/n’s phone.

I'm not doing anything bad! I just want to see what they're up to! I won't use this to hurt them so it isn't bad, is it?

I've been watching them play candy crush for 45 minutes. They're bad at candy crush but something about that is so cute! I've downloaded candy crush. Maybe I can play the same levels at the same time as them…?

I've also been eating meals with them. They watch stuff on their phone as they eat and I've started eating at a regular schedule again. But their diet sucks so much?? Why the fuck are they eating gas station sushi so often? I'm scared they'll get worms!!

July 1st

—----------

What if my cats tell me neighbor I got high???

July 2nd

—----------

So um, I tried edibles for the first time yesterday. You'll never guess how it went.

Anyways, high me decided that cleaning the entire house was their sole mission. Thank you, high me.

July 19th

—---------

I finally gathered the courage to go into my old room.

I only had the attic room because everyone had their own rooms and I was sick of sharing with Sherry. So, my dad fixed up the attic and gave that room to me for my 10th birthday. When everyone left, I took over Sherry's old room. Mom only left the mattress and headboard, so it didn't feel like Sherry's anymore. All that's left is the thumbtacks from her old posters.

Anyway, my old room is just how I left it. Dusty, but the same. I even found Howie, my old plushie! I took all of Howie's stuffing out and it's in the wash right now, but they still have the old lavender satchet I put in them. I don't know what to replace it with, to be honest.

[grapementos]

roots

aged up kirishima x gn reader

based on this tt.

you couldn’t remember when it started, but you knew exactly how.

you’d invited bakugo over for your weekly cooking sesh, but this time around he’d asked to bring kirishima with him. of course, you didn’t mind, so within 20 minutes, they’d both arrived.

after you and bakugo prepped a meal and kirishima sat on the counter, sharing a story about something kaminari had done earlier that week, you all sat down in your living room to eat and watch a movie.

kirishima sat on the floor to be closer to your coffee table, directly in front of your spot on the couch.

after a bit of banter over what movie to watch, silence fell over the three of you.

-

once you finished your food, leaned over to put your plate on the coffee table. once you leaned back, you were able to see how much kirishima’s roots had grown out. the black was a little over half an inch grown, a stark contrast against his signature red.

“you need to touch up your roots, kiri.” you chuckled, tapping the top of his head, “since when do you let them grow out this much?”

he looked up, fingering a strand of his hair, “i can never get my roots right. it’s a pain doing it by myself, so i guess i’ve kinda just let it go.” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

you looked over at bakugo, grinning.

“nope. no way. i can’t stand the smell of bleach.” he shook his head, “not to mention that stuff kills your brain cells.”

you scoffed, “fine. since katsuki doesn’t want to lose his last brain cell, i don’t mind helping you touch it up.”

kirishima grinned, turning to look back at you, “really? here? i don’t want to stain your tub or anything.. the red i use is permanent and super potent.”

“dont worry about it.” you brushed it off, making a shooing motion at bakugo, “since you’re not gonna help, can you at least run down to the beauty store and get what we need?”

he looked around, as if you weren’t talking to him, “do i have ‘bitch’ written across my forehead or something?”

despite his grumbles, he grabbed his keys and stomped out the door. kirishima sent him a photo of everything he needed and, before you knew it, the two of you were setting up in the restroom, a speaker set up on your restroom counter.

bakugo came back within a half hour and dropped off everything you needed and then left, insisting he had to get home and that it was past his bed time.

and so it began—one night turned into every sixth sunday, kirishima turned into ejiro, and your pillows and tub turned a light shade of red.

-

after two years, the two of you had settled into a content rhythm. kirishima became a person that you found you couldn’t live without. he knew some of the most personal things about you, what made you laugh, cry, smile, he knew you. and you him.

this sunday, kirishima showed up right on time, this time with snacks in one hand, dye and bleach in the other.

“i come bearing snacks!”

you laughed, “hey. sleeping over again?”

that was another thing—he’d began staying the night half a year into your arrangement, though he’d slept in your guest room.

“yeah, ‘course. by the time we finish, there’s no way i’m gonna drive all the way home.”

you closed the door behind him and walked to the bathroom, “as if you don’t live three blocks away.”

“don’t know what you’re talking about.” he sing-songed, putting the food in either the fridge or pantry.

“uh-huh. come get your ass in this chair before i change my mind.” you called, setting up the speaker to your usual station.

he chuckled and walked into the restroom, handing you the bag of materials and plopping down on the chair.

he spun around a few times, grabbing one of the brushes off your sink and singing a horrible rendition of never gonna give you up.

you snatched the brush from him, bopping him gently on the head, “if you’re gonna sing, at least sing the song that’s playing.”

you started mixing the bleach, pulling on some gloves. you were practically nose blind to the scent by now, so it didn’t bother you much.

kirishima was scrolling through his phone as you started brushing his hair, sectioning it with clips to get better access to the roots.

with a determined breath, you started bleaching his roots. your tongue poked out in concentration, eyes focused on every brushstroke.

after you completed every section, you finally looked up, dropping the dry brush into the bowl.

once you looked up, however, you saw that kirishima was already looking at you, a small smile on his face.

“what? did i get bleach on my face?”

he laughed and shook his head, “no.”

“then what?”

“nothing. you’re just super.. focused. in the zone.”

you rolled your eyes, “duh. i don’t wanna mess up your hair.”

he just laughed, looking back down at his phone.

you threw your gloves into the trash, “want anything from the kitchen?”

“taiyaki please.”

you retrieved both the taiyaki and new pair of gloves from the kitchen, setting a timer for his hair to process.

“mm,” he mumbled through bites, “i was thinking-”

“dangerous.”

“-shut up- i was thinking, hey, we’ve been doing this for a long time, and you don’t really, like, benefit from it at all.”

“not true.” you quirked a brow, “i get to gossip, laugh, and jam with my best friend.”

“i thought katsuki was your best friend.”

“shh.” you put a finger over your lips, “he’s been demoted.”

he laughed, a light pink dusting his cheeks, “ha, yeah, i won’t tell him. don’t worry.”

you could tell by the way his smile faltered that he didn’t completely believe you, so you squeezed his shoulder, “really, ei. i love spending time with you.”

you offered him a smile and then poked his cheek, “plus, your hair would either be all jacked up or you’d be paying $200 a month to get your hair done.”

his lips quirked back up into a smile, and he looked back down at his phone, “yeah. i like spending time with you too.”

after the timer went off, you grabbed some of his clothes from the guest room—he had a mini wardrobe at this point. you brought his clothes and a black towel to the bathroom, setting it on the sink.

“wash it off, and don’t get it in your eyes again. i’m not taking you to the hospital for slipping and falling for the third time.”

—

eventually, he washed the bleach out. you dried it with your blow drier, only to get right onto the red dye. again, he showered, blow dried, and at last, you were finished.

he grinned once his his hair was poofy and beautifully red.

you smiled through a yawn, leaning back against the wall, “looks great. now, if you don’t mind, i’m gonna shower. out.”

he chuckled and stepped out, closing the door behind him.

you showered quickly and gratefully, so glad to be done with kirishima’s hair. the red stains on the floor made you smile and reminisce over all the good times you’d shared.

once you were finally out and done reminiscing, you changed into some clothes to sleep in and stepped out of the restroom to see kirishima laying on your bed.

you sat on your side, drying out the rest of your hair.

“you tired?”

“yeah, a little. you?” he mumbled, dropping his phone down onto the bed.

“yeah.”

neither of you moved, your eyes flitting over to his still form. his hair looked great, and his eyes were half-lidded and heavy with sleep.

you laid on your stomach with your head towards him, chuckling, “there’s a stain on your forehead.”

you rubbed the red spot on his hairline with your thumb, brushing his hair back behind his ears to see if there were anymore stains.

his eyes were wide and set on you, scanning up and down your face, “oh?”

“yeah, my bad. to be fair though, you move a lot.” you rubbed the stain, but it didn’t budge, “it’s not coming off, guess you’ll just have to scrub it hard tomorrow.”

you finally met his eyes, cheeks growing warm as you realized he was looking right at you.

“uh—um, im pretty tired. maybe we should go to bed.” you suggested after a few beats, pushing yourself back up into a sitting position.

he agreed quickly, fake coughing as he stood up from your bed, “yeah—yeah, me too. i’ll, uh, i’ll see you tomorrow. g’night.”

with an awkward wave, he hobbled out of your room and into the guest room, leaving you with a racing heart.

after you were sure he was gone, you quickly turned off the light, burying yourself under the covers.

what was that feeling? why was your chest so warm and stomach so tingly?

you thought “butterflies in the stomach” was just a figure of speech.

you slapped your cheeks with your hands, shaking your head. no, you were not about to ruin the closest friendship you had.

after reaching your decision, you decided you were going to sleep it off. yeah. you’d be clear-headed tomorrow.

unfortunately, your brain and body and other plans. instead of sleep, all you could do was stare up at the ceiling. you tossed and turned for naught, unable to get comfortable enough to sleep.

with a groan, you got up, deciding to grab something to drink to possibly help you sleep. maybe tea.

as you slipped on some house shoes, you trudged into the kitchen. just as you entered, you found kirishima already leaning against the counter eating something.

“oh my god, you scared the shit out of me,” you panted, hand over your heart, “what’re you doing awake?”

“what’re you doing awake?”

“couldn’t sleep,” you mumbled, rolling your eyes at his deflection, “same for you? or is it just your insatiable hunger?”

“couldn’t sleep.”

you nodded, grabbing a kettle and two teacups.

“i don’t sleep well most of the time.” he admitted, “i don’t know why.”

“insomnia?” you suggested, “have you tried melatonin?”

“yeah, doesn’t work.”

“when i can’t sleep, it’s usually ‘cause i’m too cold. hugging something usually works. a pillow, stuffed animal if that’s your thing.”

“yeah?” he chuckled, “maybe that’s why i sleep so well when kami’s over. he clings, my god.”

you laughed, biting your lip in contemplation.

“do you…” you started, back to him, “maybe wanna sleep in my bed? see if it helps?”

his neck almost broke with how quickly he turned to look at you, “like, with you?”

“god, don’t make it weird,” you crossed your arms, turning to face him, “it was just a suggestion.”

he coughed, roughly swallowing a piece of whatever he was eating, “sorry—uh, sorry. i, uh, i would like that.”

you nodded, abandoning the tea and kettle, “okay, well, finish your food and bring your pillow. i’ll be in the room.”

you walked back to your room, a giddy feeling rising in your chest. oh god. why did you do that? you made it weird. he’s going to think your weird.

you laid down on your side, scooting your pillow over and anxiously awaiting his presence.

after what seemed like forever, he nervously shuffled into the room, dropping red-tinted pillow down next to yours.

“do i just…?”

“lay down, weirdo. i don’t bite.” you chuckled, scooting under the blanket.

he laid down next to you hesitantly, turning to face you.

you looked his way, smiling, “better?”

“uh, i can’t tell.” his smile was a little crooked and didn’t reach his eyes.

your heart was pounding, going crazy in your chest—you had no idea how your voice was steady. or how you were able to smile and be so calm. maybe because it was kirishima—the kirishima that made you feel safe, secure, and happy. one of, if not your favorite, person. you loved him, so, so much, and in so many ways.

you looked into his eyes, suddenly realizing just how close the two of you were. were his eyelashes always so long? had his eyes always been so red? the color of love, you thought.

he was looking at you too, searching your eyes for something, but you couldn’t tell what. he was searching desperately, almost begging to find something unbeknownst to you.

you shuddered, suddenly vulnerable, but in the best way. you trusted kirishima with your vulnerabilities, because he’d embraced every single one of them.

he was so amazing. so perfect, so loving. why hadn’t you seen it before?

he was just so..

“beautiful.”

you both breathed out at the same time, fiery blushes engulfing both of your faces.

“fuck—fuck, i’m sorry.” he jerked back, as if he’d been burned, “i’ll go—”

with a rush of courage, you grabbed his face, sealing every one of your once-forbidden thoughts with a kiss.

it was everything you’d ever wanted in a kiss—loving, safe, and most of all, from the person you loved. it was as if the stars aligned, shoving the two of you together at last.

when you finally came to your senses and reluctantly ended the blissful exchange, you leaned your forehead against his, “i love you.”

you didn’t let him speak, grabbing his hands tightly because you needed him to hear you, “i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you.”

he wrapped you in his arms, squeezing you oh so tight, “i love you. i love the way you dye my hair, i love listening to music with you, i love leaving pieces of me here because i can’t live without you.”

you buried your face into his shoulder, wishing you could somehow get closer to him, “stay with me. not just every sixth sunday. stay with me.” you pleaded, wrapping your arms around him, “my tub, my towels, my pillowcases, they all look so much better with your red. i need your red.”

“then it’s yours.”

-

BONUS: after you’d both settled your emotions, more kisses were exchanged, relationships were established, and you were both unbelievably happy, there was still the issue of needing sleep.

“so what was that thing you said about holding things?” he mumbled sleepily, tracing hearts onto your back.

you chuckled, suddenly getting an idea, “turn around.”

“but i don’t wanna let you go.”

“trust me, turn around.”

he groaned, reluctantly letting you go and facing the other way.

you grinned and wrapped your arms around him from behind, pulling him close to your chest, “how’s this?”

“are you seriously big spooning me right now?”

“what, you don’t like it?”

“i love it.” he mumbled, resting his hands on top of yours, “i love you.”

“i love you.”

[jewishconvertthings]

Hi! So, I’m a fictive in a plural system. The body is halachally Jewish by reform standards (patrilinear) but in exomemories, my family was WASP-y as hell. I’m reasonably sure I need to go through the process to convert and I consider myself a Jew in progress, however, I’ve got absolutely no idea how to explain the situation to a rabbi. I actually tried reaching out over email to one at the shul we half heartedly attend, but I didn’t get an answer. I’m not sure if it ended up in spam somehow or if he did see it and thought I was fucking with him or crazy. Or both. I don’t have any guarantees I’ll be in the system forever, though I’ve been here for like three years now. Is it worth trying again? The shul is Reform and super chill with LGBT stuff, but I don’t know what that means for the scarier neurodivergences.

Hi there!

So you are definitely not the first (and I doubt you'll be the last) person to ask about plurality and conversion to Judaism here. Because of that, I am giving a much more extensive answer that may exceed the scope of your question, because I want to be able to hopefully assist others with similar questions. Thank you in advance for your patience!

Here's the thing about being plural and conversion - you convert as a unit. Once the body is halachicly Jewish, that's it, you all are. Judaism is interesting in that we already canonically believe in (at least Jews) having multiple souls. Additionally, there is the mystical idea that the soul of every convert was at Sinai and therefore that when someone is driven to convert it's because they already had a Jewish soul. However, they still need to convert.

Why? Because Judaism is an embodied religion. It is very much about taking things that exist in the animal world and elevating them to sanctity through mitzvot. Every human and animal pees, but Jews say a bracha afterwards because we are grateful that our body's innards are working correctly enough to make that possible. Every human and animal eats, but Jews keep kosher and say brachot to sanctify what goes into our bodies. Judaism even has mitzvot related to married couples' conduct with their spouse, especially in relationship to menstruation. For as much as Judaism believes in souls, it equally believes in grounding those souls in the earthly realm and therefore liberating the divine sparks of creation in the process.

Which is all to say: Judaism is also a group project. We are judged collectively as a nation on Rosh Hashana and repent as a nation on Yom Kippur. Even if you were a singlet, you would still need to consider carefully whether you were prepared to join in the collective project of mitzvot. People who have existing familial ties to others may find it more challenging to convert. What if your spouse or teenage children do not wish to convert with you? It is often still possible to convert (I did, and my spouse did not convert with me) but it requires at least some amount of buy-in support from those you live with and are permanently tied to, even if they are not directly joining you. My spouse, who again is not Jewish and did not convert with me, still knows at least as much about kashrut as I do because he does the vast majority of the cooking, he helps me clean and prep for Pesach every year, and he actually eats pesadik food with me every year so as not to bring chametz into the house. He helps me prepare the house for Shabbat and does not interfere with the setup, and works around my observance. It's a huge commitment from a gentile who does not believe in G-d and appreciates but does not wish to join the Jewish people.

Your system has to be on board. They just do. Because if/when you decide not to front or determine that it's time to move on or what-not, the body will still be halachicly Jewish and it will be up to those running it to determine how to act in light of that reality.

For what it's worth, I am very familiar with a system who converted, and I have learned about what their internal conversation was like beforehand. It was extensive! They operate like a family, and there are six of them. Two it was clear right away were dyed-in-the-wool Jewish and were they singlets, nothing could have stopped them from becoming observant Jews. (One probably would have tried to become a rebbetzin and the other would've become a gay yeshiva bochur. Alas ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.) Two of them were people who would make excellent Jews, but probably also could've stayed excellent pagans. The fifth is very much a skeptic and the sixth was very much a Witch. The middle two were easy to sway after being exposed to queer-friendly Judaism. The fifth only agreed after understanding enough about Yiddish socialism and the history of Jewish leftism and secular culture that he realized he could very much appreciate yiddishkeit even if he didn't really believe in G-d (or if G-d is real, didn't really trust or like G-d given the state of the world.) He basically agreed that as long as he never had to do the davening or ritual mitzvot, he was cool with it.

The sixth acquiesced to the majority. She was very uneasy about making an eternal vow of any kind to any being, but especially one as powerful as the Almighty, and especially with something as complicated to follow as the mitzvot. She was reassured by the process of Yom Kippur to annul vows (Kol Nidrei) and to reset the slate through teshuva and collective forgiveness. She was also very nervous about the concept of tying one's fate to the collective fate of the Jewish people in terms of said agreement to keep the mitzvot. Her position was basically: You Don't Make Deals With Things You Can't See, and YES That Absolutely Includes Hashem. But! If the rest were going to insist on doing that anyway, well. They'd better be willing to hold by that Forever, even after death. How frum were they willing to be? After some further discussion (fifth alter's reluctance notwithstanding) they collectively agreed that they would agree to the mitzvot on the terms of the Conservative movement. The fifth alter agreed that he would not do anything to disrupt the others' observance even if he personally might have done differently as a secular/atheist Jew, e.g. watched TV on Shabbat or driven somewhere besides shul.

It's worth noting that I got this story because we are friends and that once they had full system buy-in, they decided for safety reasons *not* to discuss this particular wrinkle of psychology with their rabbis. Now, part of that decision was that that are a healthy system that works well together, has had extensive post-trauma therapy that *did* work with each alter individually as well as the system collectively, and were totally functional (after therapy) without any sort of psychiatric intervention. They were unwilling to jeopardize the relative safety from mental health institutions and their professional career by "coming out" about their plurality to anyone of authority in person or online. (I have obtained their collective permission to share this story as anonymized through myself as a third party to help other systems who are considering giyur.)

So to be clear, this is the advice I would offer as a layperson and as an informed friend.

**Major important reminder that I am not a rabbi or a mental health professional.**

Now, your situation is somewhat different from theirs, in that any conversion you make is going to be to solidify your halachic status as someone who is already Jewish in a major way and probably considered Jewish by the Reform movement already. They did not have previously existing ties to Judaism, whereas even if you do nothing, you will still be Jewish (even if not halachicly so by the traditional movements.)

I would recommend having a full system discussion. You want to figure out what your system, as a collective unit, needs, wants, and is willing to go along with. You will want, as part of this discussion, to do a major mental health and system balance analysis as well. How stable is your system? How functional are you as a group in the broader world? How healthy are your relationships to one another? Do you have trauma to unpack first? Need some type of therapeutic intervention? Do it now; do it first.

Then, if everyone is on board (enough) and working well together as a system, I would approach a rabbi to convert as a unit. It's up to you to determine how much, if anything, to disclose about your plurality to the Rabbi, so long as you can honestly tell him that you are [all] mentally well and stable. It is very possible to be a healthy system and/or to have long-term chronic mental illnesses while still being relatively stable and mentally well. Lots of people with well-managed mood disorders, personality disorders, developmental disorders, and even reality and dissociation disorders can and have converted. Judaism can truly be a place of peace and a shelter for the troubled. However, you must know yourself(/ves) well and you must be willing to seek professional help first or along the way if needed.

All of the plural stuff aside, I would recommend reaching out again after the high holidays and/or considering reaching out to a Conservative rabbi. The Reform movement may already consider you Jewish and therefore may not want to do a giyur l'chumra. The Conservative movement (much as I might personally disagree with it on this point) would not consider you halachicly Jewish and would be delighted to help you solidify your Jewish identity. If you ultimately decide not to convert but rather to reclaim and learn through the Reform movement, please know that you still have a place here. It's labeled as a gerische space, but the same types of resources and communities tend to help both gerim and reclaimants. We would be delighted to help you connect to your heritage and people and to support you doing so in a way that feels the most correct and appropriate to you.

Wishing you all the best in your exploration, a shana tova, and a meaningful Yom Kippur if you are observing it!