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houserautha · 2 months ago

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These Destined Ends

Part Eighteen

Summary: Jessica fulfilled the wishes of the Bene Gesserits to produce a daughter. You’re now burdened with the task of not only marrying the na-Baron, but also bearing his child — the Kwisatz Haderach. Will you take your fate into your own hands? Or will it always belong to those who control you?

Pairings: Feyd-Rautha x F!Reader

Word Count: 2.8k

Warnings: surprisingly none

A/N: I’ve revised the story a little and I think it might end up being twenty-two chapters. The end is near and I am sad.

Often your waking thoughts, your dreams, are occupied by those that you miss: Asha. Your father. Memories of them that you can’t always decide are real or not. It certainly feels real when you wake, tears fresh on your cheeks.

Other times you see…him.

The one from the desert.

Each glimpse brings him into sharper clarity — fine, delicate features, blue-on-blue eyes lined with coal-black lashes. He looks fiercely determined, commanding in the way he carries himself. At first you think it might be a figment of your imagination, Leto at your age, perhaps, but over time you realize that your mind is playing tricks on you. Just not how you expected.

You are the same. You and him.

Him and you.

You don’t understand how, or why, but every time he appears something inside you stirs with recognition. He never speaks. Yet you think he is trying to send a message to you, somehow, whether it be a warning or not. Sometimes you plead with him to just tell you.

And no matter if you are on the sun-bleached sands of Arrakis or the shores of Caladan, he turns from you and vanishes into the distance.

You wake from another dream of him, frustration unfurling inside you upon opening your eyes. Why did he insist on tormenting you? At least he could explain why. You don’t particularly enjoy him taking over your only moments of peace. Seeking comfort, you inch your fingers across the pallet but find it empty.

Feyd is gone. You frown and pull yourself into a sitting position. Weak light filters through the room. There’s a bolt of pain up one side as you rise to your feet — something about your ligaments straining to accommodate your womb. It takes you a moment to catch your breath, but when you finally cross the room you nearly run into the rigid edge of your husband’s spine.

“Feyd?”

“Someone is here,” Feyd says.

“Who?”

In the distance there’s a group gathering at the base of one of the compacted dunes, far enough away that you can barely make out any shapes. A muscle feathers in Feyd’s jaw. “Let’s find out.”

It’s a slow process through the winding tunnels. An excited energy crackles in the air, alighting over your skin. Feyd walks swiftly in front of you as you get closer, a physical barrier that you’re not sure is necessary. You might have more of a pronounced shape to your abdomen but you can move and fight just as well as before.

The focal point of the Fremen’s attention moves through the crowd like a salmon upstream, visible only by the shifting bodies around them.

A familiar sight fills your vision.

“Gurney?”

You fling yourself at the man. His arms envelope you, beard tickling against the top of your head as a hearty laugh escapes from his chest. Tears brim over, wetting his sandy attire.

He’s another piece of home. Familiarity. A glimmer of hope, one that you can feel anchor you with strength.

“When they said that you were alive, that you were safe…” Gurney holds you at arms length, taking in your features. “I’m so glad that you’re safe.”

“I-I didn’t even think to ask about you. I just assumed —”

“Don’t worry, kid. I was in a secretive operation afterwards, we didn’t want anyone to follow us.”

“Where did you go?” You ask.

Gurney smiles. “We’ll talk later. Anyways, I think we have some introductions to make.”

You realize for the first time that Feyd has become your shadow, hovering just a few inches from you with a stern expression. He does not return Gurney’s enthusiasm.

“Gurney, this Feyd-Rautha —”

“Rabban’s brother,” Gurney growls out.

Feyd lifts a smooth brow. “Surely there is more about me to loathe than just my idiot brother.”

“If I find out that you were any part of what happened —”

You interrupt Gurney. Both of these men are the best fighters you know, two of the only men you have ever loved, and you do not want this to escalate beyond salvaging. “Gurney, Feyd is just as angry as you. He had nothing to do with it.”

“A lousy guard you are,” Feyd replies, upper lip curling, “an entire family dying under your watch. How can we be so sure that you aren’t in the Emperor’s pocket as well?”

Gurney’s face storms over. “Are you blaming me?”

“Depends. Are you to blame?”

“Both of you, stop it!” Anger and shame burns your skin. You glare at both Gurney and Feyd, who barely notice because they’re both sizing each other up. Noting the rapt attention of the crowd, you lower your voice. “It seems we have much to discuss. If you can manage not to kill each other, let’s go outside. Where we cannot be heard.”

Feyd’s dark gaze is the first to cut to you, flaring with indignation. He nods once, blinks.

He would kill for you.

But he would also refrain from killing for you.

A swell of fondness for him presses against your breastbone. Quickly you excuse yourselves from the Fremen and wordlessly lead Feyd and Gurney to your hiding spot. Wind whips mercilessly at your hair, spitting sand, but at least you can guarantee privacy.

You raise your voice to be heard. “Neither of you are to blame for what happened. You’ve seemed to have forgotten who the real enemy is.”

“Him,” Gurney accuses.

Temper flares in Feyd’s eyes but he doesn’t bother with a reply.

“He’s not the enemy,” you say, “he’s been victimized by the Baron as much, if not more, than my family. Feyd is my husband. And he wants to seek revenge, too. Trust me on this.”

Gurney glances from your face to Feyd’s, then back again. The amount of time he spends examining you is not unnerving but rather strangely nostalgic, as if he’s searching for someone that is no longer there. You swallow. A lot has changed since your last goodbye. You’re not sure whether your old friend and mentor recognizes any traces of your former self, and whether or not it’s a good thing if he does.

“I trust you,” Gurney finally says.

Satisfied with this, you dive headfirst into an abbreviated account of the last several months, culminating in the final show off between the Baron and you. The reminder of your failure tastes bitter in your mouth. You hope the Baron is counting his days. You will not fail again.

“We need the Fremen to rally with us,” you end. Gurney pauses to digest everything you’ve just told him, offering the occasional look of concern in Feyd’s direction.

“I am with you, of course. I’ve earned their trust. I will advocate for your leadership.”

Relief crashes over you. “You will?”

“I’ll speak with Stilgar tonight. They’ll want a debriefing of my journey — which, I would like to speak with you in private,” Gurney adds.

“I told you, I trust Feyd —”

“If you desire to discuss what I am about to say, you may later. But I refuse to supply a Harkonnen so freely with vital information.”

A protest jumps to your tongue. I’m a Harkonnen now, too.

The words do not get the chance to leave your mouth, however, as Feyd rises to his feet and brushes off his stillsuit. He wordlessly disappears back into the sietch. He won’t go far, though it comforts you that he’s being cooperative.

The same can’t be said for Gurney.

“What his brother did is despicable, but that does not mean you have to lend the same anger to him. He is not Rabban,” you all but grit out.

“I haven’t forgiven him for taking you away,” Gurney replies.

“He didn’t do that. It was my mother, the Bene Gesserits — both Feyd and I have been manipulated like pawns in their game. They have no compassion for anyone outside of their agenda and that’s why they need to be stopped.”

“I know.” Gurney swallows. “I should’ve done something before —”

“It’s too late for that. Tell me what you know.”

He adjusts his stillsuit and glances once more in the direction where Feyd left before saying, “I went to confirm whether or not the Atreides atomic stockpile was still undiscovered.”

It feels as if all of the air has left your body. “Father brought them with us?”

“He was a smart man, a careful one. The stockpile is still secure, Lady Y/N.”

“This changes everything,” you breathe out.

Gurney nods. “We will have to wait to ensure that no one follows us, but we should be able to retrace our steps and arm ourselves. It’s against the Treaty, of course —”

“I don’t care. This needs to end.”

“Very well.”

“We have yet to muster as much support with the Fremen as we would like,” you say finally, after a pause. This development has given you hope, but you know that hope is a fickle thing. You won’t let yourself cling too tightly to it.

“You don’t have much time. You said that Rabban knows Feyd is alive now. They’ll come for you.”

“That’s why we have to go to them first.”

An easy, comfortable silence descends over you. You figure that Gurney is considering what you've him, that you want him to side with the enemy. You're so lost in your thoughts that when he speaks again, you startle slightly. "I hear congratulations are in order."

"Hm?" You blink.

"They told me that you are pregnant."

"Oh." You smile sheepishly at him. "They're right." A wave of sadness crashes over you. "Leto never knew, won't...won't meet him."

Gurney squeezes your knee. "He would be proud of you. And I imagine quite excited to be a grandfather. I know his work kept him busy, but he loved you dearly."

"I miss him," you choke out.

"As do I."

“I can read lips,” Feyd tells you later, when you’ve reunited. Exhaustion wears at you but you do your best to rally through it. You’re grateful at least not to have to repeat everything Gurney said.

“You still surprise me,” you mutter.

Feyd’s mouth twitches in reply. “If the day comes that I no longer surprise you, I should certainly be dead.”

“Do not speak like that.” You glare at him, then lean into him. He’s warm, steady. Safe. “I worry that we will be sorely unprepared, even with the atomics.”

“Nonsense.”

“The Fremen’s loyalty to us is tremulous, and only because of the promise of our son. Just like Gurney, they cannot set aside our Harkonnen blood.”

Feyd considers this. “Then we must turn from it.”

“What? What are you implying?”

“We become one of them,” Feyd says, his brow furrowing in thought, “if they accept us as one of their own, then they will have no choice but to follow us into battle.”

You withdraw from him slightly, better to gauge his expression, lined with gravity. “You’re serious.”

“I am.”

You inhale deeply, then blow it out of your cheeks. “I have been Atreides. I have been Harkonnen. I do not know if I can be anyone else.”

“You will always be Harkonnen, as long as you are my wife,” Feyd says softly. He brushes his knuckles over the bannister of your cheek. “Your name, your allegiance, does not change who you are. You are my jewel, you shine brightly regardless of the faction that fools themselves into thinking they can claim you.”

“And you? You’re okay with this?”

“I will follow you under any banner. You know this.”

“It’s still nice to hear.” You smile.

It’s easy enough to garner the attention of the more devout Fremen, who practically fall to their knees whenever you pass. The others, though, are less convinced. They look over Feyd’s bare brow and your slightly rounded belly and they only see their enemies, even with Gurney’s vote of confidence.

A few days after Gurney’s arrival, you see the man again in your dreams. But you are him, inseparable from yourself as you know it.

Feyd is not there but Chani is, and Stilgar, the rest of the Fremen. They gift you a sietch name, and you tell them that you wish to be called Muad’dib. This pleases them immensely. An image of a small desert mouse emerges from this dream — or is it a vision? You can’t be sure. But when you wake, you know what you need to do.

It would be more efficient to announce the news of the atomics to all of the Fremen, but you and Feyd set to work whispering it in the ears of anyone who will listen. We're sympathetic to the Fremen cause, you tell them, we're going to use the Atreides weapon supplies to liberate them. Would we do such a thing if we did not truly believe you deserving of freedom?

It does not elude you that this verges on manipulation. You do want to liberate the Fremen. But are you also not entrapping them in your own schemes? You need their support.

“You have much deeper wells of empathy for others,” Feyd says, “I adore you for this, wife, but you will worry yourself sick.”

The guilt only intensifies when Stilgar corners you after a meal, his blue-on-blue eyes shining brightly. “Is it true? The rumors?”

“They are,” you say. “We are committed to the Fremen. We only wish that everyone will be convinced of that, and we will do whatever necessary to make it so.”

“You’ve denounced your Harkonnen name. Perhaps it is time for you to gain your sietch one.”

It happens on an uncharacteristically balmy evening, after another successful attack on the Baron’s forces with the fedaykin. Your small squadron resides under one of the strange, worm-like tents that contains moisture. You’re nestled into Feyd’s side around the fire, his arm holding you protectively. More than just the flames warm you — you have never seen your husband as relaxed as he is now, though it could partly be blamed on the drink.

Perhaps it is the weight of his family name removed. Your husband never had friends before, or at least anything close to it; too busy with his duties, the expectations put upon him. Although he still clearly carries the mantle of na-Baron with him, there is a certain easiness to his behavior.

Feyd sips from his drink now, throat working, and winks at you. Stories of battle and hardship have built a friendship between him and some of the more open-minded Fremen. They shared fighting techniques and strategy, bonding over scars and ailments such as poor knees or broken noses. The gathered fedaykin roar with laughter as Feyd recalls a story from his days of training.

“You fit in well here,” Stilgar says after the laughter subsides, “your strength in battle has certainly proved that. Both of you.” He dips his chin in your direction as well. “I think it is well past time for you to receive your sietch names so that we may know you as our brother and sister.”

“We would be honored,” Feyd replies. The steadiness in his rasping voice reminds you that, no matter how much he appears to drink or how merry he is, he is a diplomat at his core. Always thinking and reconsidering and evaluating.

Stilgar grins. The others lean forward in interest, fire throwing shadows over their brown faces.

“We usually offer the chance to choose your own names,” Stilgar says.

A current of knowing passes between you and Feyd. You’d told him about your vision and together you had planned your answers.

“Akrab,” Feyd rasps into the silence. Scorpion.

The Fremen nod their approval, but it’s clear that they’re anxious for your response. You sweep your gaze over them. “Muad’dib.”

Realization washes over them, first on Stilgar’s face, and then the rest. You’ve just given them the final piece to securing their alliance. Your stomach twists as they consider your name — what if you misinterpreted the vision — but then a cheer goes up and the Fremen chant, “AKRAB! MUAD’DIB! AKRAB! MUAD’DIB!”

Drinks are raised as a toast in celebration and soon you and Feyd are torn apart by the jostling squadron who clap you on the bag and hug you, shouting your sietch names. They greet you for the first time as Muad’dib. You even allow the more pious ones to touch your belly, expressing their gratitude towards you and your unborn child. Feyd presides over this, of course, a faint expression of pride on his handsome face.

The Scorpion and The Desert Mouse. How appropriate. You had laughed over this, pressed close to one another, remembering all of the odds that you conquered together.

Soon you will have to make your move on the Harkonnen and the Emperor, but tonight, you will dwell in this happiness.

Part Nineteen

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thisnameisnotspokenfor · 1 month ago

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Next Chapter Snippet

((Just to ruin your night ^w^

Time seemed to come to a slow after that as the two sat in silence as the brief rumbling of thunder was heard.

“I won’t,” his promise rang in her ears as the sobs had softened. “I won’t.”

Had he meant it? She wished she knew, but she was too afraid to ask, too afraid that any moment he’d snap at her like the other figures had. Her mind warred with her body and had begun to give in to the small moment of warmth and comfort his touch had provided.

“Don’t get used to it,” she heard Abigail’s voice call, as she and the other noble girls appeared. “A promise like that means nothing when he never had a choice to begin with.”

“Wha?”

“It’s not that he won’t leave you,” she explained, and rolled her eyes before leaning forward. “It’s that he can’t. He needs your wish to leave, remember? So if it weren’t for that I’d doubt he’d bother sticking around…I mean why would he? Sure he may need you, but he certainly doesn’t want you. Not when he could have better.” She smiled, gesturing to herself and her friends.

“Face it Asha,” Moireach shrugged, “the only reason why you never wanted him going to Amala’s house is because you knew that as soon as he put two and two together, he wouldn’t even give you a second chance. Not when he figured out the truth.”

The truth? But…

“There’s nothing special about you,” came the queen’s gentle voice as Asha cringed. “In a kingdom filled to the brim with dreams, wishes and impossibilities you somehow managed to remain the most unremarkable thing anyone could ever come across…and then you still have the audacity to call the rest of us complacent. Well, complacent as we may be, at least our fathers never thought us to be so worthless that we shouldn’t part take in their legacy!

“Be honest Asha, your father’s legacy…” the queen hesitated as if trying to gather her thoughts before sighing, “it was never about helping any of us, was it? No, it was just about trying to make sense of your insignificant existence, another one of your pitiful attempts to fit in, right? Because you know that at the end of the day, when all is said and done, you’ll be the last person who anyone ever cares to remember. Just like your ancestor Geron. I’m sure he’d be very proud of you~,”

She whimpered, covering her ears as her body began to tremble. “Please, your highness” she begged. “Just leave me alone!”

“Asha?” Cepheus quietly began as she felt his grip on her shoulder ever so slightly tense. “Asha what’s wrong? Should I-”

“Don’t…don’t touch me,” she hissed, glowering at him as he stared back in shock.

“Oh…alright then…I’m sorry,” he murmured, quietly turning away.

She couldn’t explain why she’d felt so hurt at his simple compliance. She had been the one who demanded that he stop touching her, but seeing the ease with which he’d so quickly removed himself and turned away had her eyes pooling with tears once more.

Foolish child. Did you really expect otherwise from him? The creature has shown time and time that his affection is selective, only ever showing itself towards you when you were alone. Surely you haven’t forgotten how quick he was to yank his hand away from you when your mother had come into the kitchen. The same hand, need I remind you he used proudly to hold that Amala girl in his lap for all to see, and yet he couldn’t be bothered to let one person see you two holding hands, the king spoke as she warily eyed the star, watching as he’d now turn his attention to her storybook, needlessly flipping through the pages. “Let’s not also forget how displeased he was hearing about how you look at him, yet once again such displeasure was never apparent when those other noble girls teased Amala and him…hmm, I wonder why there was such a difference in response from him… Shall we take a guess?”

“No,” her voice trembled, horror filling her as she watched him settle on a page in particular.

“Don’t you get it?” Velius impatiently sneered. “This thing he’s doing for you, it’s nothing more than pity. Just like what the king had for you and just like the prince did, and he too will leave just as they did.”

“I-,”

“Don’t bother defending him. don’t you remember when the queen’s favorite lady in waiting had died? She’d held herself together well but the king had never failed to be there for her when it had truly mattered both publicly and privately. The silent yet gentle gazes, the hand touches. She knew that if the king could he would’ve given every wish he had in his tower to take just an ounce of his wife’s pain away.

“Do you ever think he could come close to showing such affection towards someone so undeserving? Do you ever think he could stay by your side like how the prince had when Dahlia’s grandmother had passed? Ha!” the king’s laughter rang in her ears as she shivered. “You thought you’d been her best friend, but who was the person she’d gone to when it had happened? Do you think you of all people ever once crossed her mind?”

The king’s voice grew sympathetic as he shook his head, “And that was someone who’d known you for at least six years, how exactly do you think someone who’s only known you for a few days is supposed to act?

Maybe she’d been expecting too much of Dahlia. Just as she’d been doing with the star…

She couldn’t see what he was reading, but judging from his expression, she doubted it could’ve been anything good as he glanced towards the door and stood up. She’d nearly been half tempted to ask what he was doing before she watched him take one step after another.

He was leaving.

So soon? But…he didn’t even say goodbye! She swallowed a scream as she fought every ounce within her being to not chase after him, and plead with him to stay.

“Don’t bother,” Velius threatened as she watched the star pause at her doorframe and carefully reach out into the hallway for something. “He’s finally making a sane decision for once in his life.”

She knew that, but that hadn’t given her a reason as to why it had hurt her so deeply.

“Why? Well, that’s rather simple my apprentice,” the king’s voice loomed from behind her. “It was inevitable, Just as you are so pitifully powerless to stop him or anyone else from leaving.”

Asha shivered. The king was right. But that hadn’t made it feel less painful or tragically hilarious. Just a few days ago she would’ve given anything to get him to leave her life as abruptly as he’d entered it, and yet now she would’ve given anything to get him to stay.

But perhaps it was better this way. After all, there wasn’t much she could give a creature of his stature, maybe he-

“Here,” he spoke, holding a plate full of deliciously steaming food forward. The food's scents were tantalizing, and he smiled rather sheepishly, “I think it’ll make you feel better…”

She hesitantly looked from him to the food, and back to him.

There it was, deep within his eyes as he’d looked at her. Pity. So much pity. He’d probably seen her as nothing more than what the king would’ve described as a petulant child throwing a massive tantrum, and maybe he was right. Maybe they both were.

“I didn’t cook it if that’s what you’re worried about.”

She cast him a withering glare, immediately shutting him up as she’d snatched the plate from his hands before marching towards her window. Without any hesitation she’d pried the window open, only to be somewhat surprised by the face of shocked crows perched on the nearby tree branches who’d looked more like caught children than simple birds.

She hadn’t known they were still lingering, nor could she bring herself to care as she’d placed the plate on her window sill before commanding, “Eat.”

Unsurprisingly they hadn’t needed to be told twice as they’d gluttounously devoured the food as she’d stepped away from the window.

If the star had been upset, he’d done a wonderful job of hiding as he’d merely stared at the window sill in shock.

“What are you doing?” he called after her as she’d picked up her fallen satchel before fishing out the manuscripts and her father’s journal.

“Something I should’ve been doing a long time ago,” she gruffly answered as she seated herself at her desk, roughly shoving all of her astronomy papers and star charts to the side.

How had she let him convince her to take a vacation? No wonder she was unraveling- she’d taken her eyes off the prize, a prize she now knew she no longer deserved or was ever meant to be a part of.

She’d been such a fool, letting herself get so excited over a past world where both man and the supernatural could co-exist. A world that she realized would by all means, she’d never have been a part of. If the stars and astronomer’s influence had been so widespread then who was to say that she wouldn’t face the same rejection in any other country she moved to?

Maybe this was why her father hadn’t wanted her to be a part of his legacy… Not only was she a figure no one would be able to believe in, but she just wasn’t a person who could handle rejection…

“Are…are you working?”

She didn’t answer, watching instead as with each and every letter she’d transcribed her handwriting had nearly become intelligible.

“Asha I don’t think-,”

“Not now Cepheus,” she hissed, dropping her quill as she quietly cursed at her shaking hand. Why couldn’t she stop shaking? She wondered as she stared at her fingers covered in light ink smudges.

“If I wanted your opinion then I’d ask for it…”

“Why are you being so mean to the prince?” came a small voice as her eyes snapped to the child standing beside her. Warm brown eyes met hers as the child dressed in familiar night wear stared curiously back.

“He’s not a prince,” she mumbled back, reaching for the spare napkin that sat on her desk.

“He’s not?” the child asked curiously, tilting her small head as her braids moved with her.

“Of course not. Not every pretty boy you see is a prince, and if he were a prince then he’s definitely not my prince. Princes are supposed to fall first, not the other way around!” she sneered. She’d read enough storybooks to know.

“But…you named him Cepheus…”

“So? I only named him because he absolutely refuses to give me his name! He doesnt care about me! HE never has and he never will! So get it out of your head that he does! Life isn’t a bunch of fairy tales where dreams magically come true! So why don’t you get your head out of the clouds for once and start living in the real world?!”

“You’re wrong!” She cried, her voice raising with every syllable as she passionately said “Dreams do come true!”

“Then why did yours never come true?”

She looked taken aback, blinking briefly before asking, “They…they didn’t come true?”

Asha drew in a tight breath, promptly facing the wall ahead of her as she replied, “No…”

“Why? Did I do something wrong?” she could hear the child shuffle next to her. Her mind racing in tandem with hers as she tried to make sense of the revelation. “I just…thought that because Uncle Magnifi-

Asha scowled. Her grip mercilessly tightening on the quill in her hand as she grounded out “Don’t call him that.”

“What? Why not?!”

“Because he’s not your friend!” She snapped to the stunned child. “No one is your friend!”

“That’s not true! Papa is my friend! And Mama! And Saba and Dahlia and, and-,” her voice trailed off as her eyes lowered to her feet, unevenly rocking as Asha angrily sighed.

her elbow banging against the desk as she watched her ink bottle rock before tilting and spilling.

“No!” She screamed, scrambling to rescue her paper from the spreading ink. Horror filling her as she took in the sight of Vitrius’s manuscripts partially covered in ink.

She ruined it.

Just like she had ruined everything else.

No wonder the prince couldn’t trust her! She was useless! Completely and utterly useless!

“I-,” her thoughts paused as she glanced towards the now frightened child, frozen in place as she helplessly stared at the ruined manuscript.

“Shouldn’t you be off somewhere being a complete and total embarrassment to your family name?! Get out of here!” She screamed as the child flinched.

“I…I’m sorry,” she sniffled, tears freely flowing from her eyes. Her face crumbling as she began to weep. “I’m sorry,” she whispered as the words cut through Asha’s heart like a knife.

“Asha?” Cepheus’s voice returned. He was still here?! Somewhere through the strange haze of her mind she could faintly register his movements as he’d taken the ruined manuscripts from her.

It was hard to focus on what he was doing as she bent over, and gasped. Slowly, taking in one deep breath after another as she rested her hand over her heart.

“There we go!” He said after a while as he rested a perfectly restored manuscript on the desk. “All better! See?”

She sniffled, briskly wiping her eyes as she weakly stared at the now pristine desk top. By every account what the star had done was undoubtedly a near miracle.

But for her, she knew that it was just one more sign of how truly helpless she was without him.

“Asha?”

Of course she needed him to clean up her messes.

He must’ve been tired of having to deal with someone so…so worthless!

“Asha, please say something,” he whispered.

Her eyes focused on the growing tear stains of her skirts as she heard the words slip from her own lips, “I’m sorry…I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, over and over as the tears nearly blinded her, her body shaking as she began to cry. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry.”

“Asha!” He exclaimed catching her as she nearly crumpled from her chair and onto the floor. “Whats wrong?!”

“Everything!” she cried, clutching at his shoulders. “Make it stop! I beg of you!”

“It?”

“The voices? The tears! The pain! It won’t stop! I can’t take it anymore!” she screamed. “Please I…I can’t put myself back together…I’m falling to pieces no mater how much I try! I’m unraveling,” she gasped, her eyes squeezing shut before the idea hit her. The perfect solution to all of her problems.

“Please,” she started. “….Just wipe me from existence! I don’t want to do this anymore!”

“What?” She hadn’t understood why he’d look so mortified at her words.

It was perfect.

“Yes,” she smiled. “If you make it like I never existed, then no one will ever remember me! And like you said they can’t miss what they never had, right? Without me they’d never have to be ashamed or exhausted or disappointed! They’d be able to live the lives they always wanted and I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore! It’s perfect!”

“No.”

“No?” she repeated, releasing him as her smile faltered. “What do you mean by no?!”

“I mean that I’m not going to erase your existence like that.”

“Why not?!” She challenged as she rose to her feet. Her body wobbling ever so slightly before she held onto the bed to steady herself. “Is it because you can’t or you won’t?”

“I won’t,” he sharply corrected. “Not as your wishing star, and especially not as your friend.”

She glared at him, her chest heaving as anger and disgust filled her. And for a moment she hated him, almost as much as she hated herself before she’d felt her strength leave her once more.

“I knew it,” she sobbed and turned away. Her body slipped back into the bed as she pulled a pillow towards herself. “I knew you never wanted to help me, and that you were just using me for your own ends, just like the king and prince was. It was only a matter of time before you figured out the truth…so you might as well do what everyone else has.”

“What everyone else has?”

“Just admit it Cepheus,” she sobbed into her pillow. “I won’t hold it against you.”

“Admit what?” He asked as he took a seat on the bed.

“That I’m useless and that you won’t stay around much longer and that tonight when you go and see Amala…I’ll…I’ll never see you again.” She cried, trying to ignore the pain that tore at her heart as sons threatened to overtake her once mired

“Why would I never see you again?”

“Why would you want to?”

“After everything we’ve been through together today, you don’t think I’d have a reason to want to see you again? Asha, we're friends. I could know all the humans in the world, but I promise you that there’s no other person on this planet I’d rather be around than you.”

Liar. She kept on forgetting that he couldn’t leave her. So for the time being they were effectively stuck together, which would make it all the worse when they would inevitably part ways.

“Why would you?” She grumbled. “I know you won’t miss me when you go…”

“Why do you think I wouldn’t miss you?”

“Look around Cepheus. I’ve lived in this kingdom all my life, and yet I know that if I ever leave Rosas, no one will miss me when I’m gone. Not the king, not the other apprentices or royals…and those are people I’ve worked for, for five years. Five years Cepheus! And it meant…nothing!” She confessed as her grip on the pillow tightened. “Why would I expect anything different from you when you’ve only known me for a few days?” she sniffled. “You’re already ashamed of me anyway.”

“Ashamed of you? Asha, I’m not ashamed-,”

“Oh yeah?!” She snapped as she immediately sat up. “Then why were you so quick to pull my hand back when my mom walked into the kitchen?! Or how about the expression you made when Saba talked about the way I look at you?! Other noble girls tease about falling in love with you and you’re nothing but perfectly polite with them but whenever it comes to me you abhor the idea of seeing me as…as…as anything more than just amusing!”

“I don’t see you as just amusing-,”

“Well you’ve got a funny way of showing it,” she huffed. “But Go on,” she sniffled. “Go on and tell me that I’m wrong….I’ve heard it all before..”

“I’m not going to lie to you or deny how you feel,” he took a deep breath. “I understand that you have a lot on your plate both mentally and emotionally now. I admit that I’m not exactly the best…listener when it comes to things like this “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I want you to be honest with me, please.”

“Honest?” She repeated. “Honest?! Why should I be honest with you?! You do nothing but hide things from me, Cepheus! I don’t even know your real name!” She sneered.

Regret and fear filled her as the words left her and she trembled. “I- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” She looked away, as the tears began to gather once more. “if you want to leave now, I won’t hold it against you.”

He looked at her quizzically. “Leave now? Asha, what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the prince…the king…and you. You’re all the same! You all just keep me around because you need to, but when it comes to the wants or just anything else, it’s like I can no longer serve any purpose to any of you. So you just toss me aside again and again for the next best thing…I can see it in the way you look at those Ischanian girls…it’s just like how the prince looks at Dahlia…” “How can I ever compete with that?”

He looked stunned, “Compete? Sure the Ischanian girls are beautiful, but why would I do that to you? Asha, we’re friends-,”

“I thought I was the other apprentices’ friend,” she answered briskly. “But as soon as the prince was gone they realized that without powers I wasn’t worth keeping around. Heck, I even dared to think that I was the prince’s happily ever, his friend, and look at how that ended! He chose Dahlia over me just because I’m not as pretty nor as good of a cook as she is. But it doesn’t even stop there! He can’t even trust me when everything depends on it!” She shouted. “The other apprentices couldn’t tolerate me enough even if their life depended on it and the prince…” she sniffled, feeling the tears fall.

“I missed him. I missed him just as much as anyone in that castle did and not once could he think of me when he was gone. He brought everyone else back something but me. He…he treats me like I’m a traitor, Cepheus!” She wailed. “I don’t know what I did wrong! I tried to fix it! I want to fix it! But it’s not working!”

“What isn’t working?”

“Everything!” She cried, staring at her hands as tears blurred her vision once more. “All this time I’ve been trying to tell myself that people who were like you and the king with powers were the problem and that it was the reason why I couldn’t convince anyone to believe in me, and the reason why my father and my Abuela died when I should’ve realized that the problem here…had been me all along.”

“You?”

“Yes! Don't you get it?! Everyone respected my father. They listened to him and liked his ideas all the way up until it was discovered I’d been born without potential. Then everything changed.” She slumped forward, trying not to remember the looks of pity and sympathy the people had given her and her father the day they’d all found out.

Before then, she could always remember hearing their murmurs of excitement at the potential that she could have carried, and how by her father’s and king’s side, she too would’ve been able to bring Rosas to such greatness. But that greatness would never come the day they’d all found out the truth.

She brushed a few stray tears away. “I could tell even though they tried to hide how their interest waned behind their gazes full of pity…” she took another shaky breath as she hung her head, whispering. “I was never worthy enough to follow in my father’s footsteps, not when I was the reason why people lost interest in it in the first place… I ruin everything I touch! My abuela’s music box, my mother and saba’s life, my own life, the wishing tree, the forest animals and it’s only a matter of time before I’ll ruin you too!”

“If I’d been born with magical powers…my father would still be here. My grandmother would still be here. My father's dreams would become a reality and I would actually matter to people. My family would matter…Maybe I’d have more friends too, so I wouldn’t have to always tell my family that it was fine when it wasn’t. Maybe I’d be able to give them the wealth they’d deserved so they’d never have to work long shifts to make ends meet from time to time. Maybe my family could understand me and they’d be proud of me just like my abuela and papa was…

But it seems like no matter what I do, I’m destined to disappoint everyone around me…and how couldn’t I?…all I can do is ruin and waste…and it feels like the world hates me for it.”

“It’s like they think I wanted to be born this way when the truth is, I’d do anything to change myself if I could!” she cried, her finger nails dug into her forearm’s flesh.

“I wouldn’t bother with that if I were you,” Cepheus warned. “Your life is too short to spend it on changing yourself for people you’ll never be able to please.”

She scoffed, further burying her head into her pillow before replying, “Easy for you to say. You’re out there being sought after for balls and princesses. What would you know about being disliked?”

He’d chuckled, not seeming the least bit offended by her words as he’d answered, “Far more than you’d think, that’s for sure. But I do know that when situations are dire for me it’s best to focus on the things you can control rather than can’t.”

“control? Cepheus I’m a peasant who was solely employed by the royal family because of the king’s friendship with my dad who wanted me to have absolutely no part in his legacy whatsoever! What sort of control do you think I actually have?! I can’t control anything not when the king and prince treat me like…like this! I don’t know why they do it either! Well, I sorta do but-,”

He frowned. “Oh and why is that?”

“Because I’m an embarrassment Ceph,” she whispered as her grip on her pillow tightened. “Anyone would be ashamed to have me as an apprentice in comparison to everyone else!”

“They don’t treat you like an insecurity. They treat you like a threat.”

“A threat? Ha! You’re talking about two powerful individuals who are destined to rule by the divinely chosen blood in their veins…How could I possibly be a threat to that?”

“Well, you imply that there are alternatives to total dependency on the king. An implication that if it reached the right audience could be far more impactful than you’d realize.”

“You think so?”

“I know so. Then there is the prince, the mistrust he displays is probably a side effect of the court politics between him and his uncle.”

“But wouldn’t that also impact the other apprentices? The king works very closely with them.”

“He does, doesn’t he? But similarities in magical abilities aside, like you said they're nobles. They’re in a better position to leverage themselves out of trouble than you are.”

She sniffled, brushing away a few tears. “I hadn’t thought of that. But I don’t think I’ve been thinking very well at all, lately,” she confessed. “Nothing makes sense to me anymore.”

“Will you miss me Cepheus? When you’ve gone back home to the sky?”

“Miss you? Asha-,” his voice trailed off. “Of course, I would miss you.”

“You shouldn’t,” she angrily sniffed. “ In a world like this, I’m the most unremarkable person anyone could come across…there’s nothing special about me, I have no significant lineage nor heritage, no powers to master nor purpose to serve.”

“You’d really call yourself unremarkable?” He laughed. “After you choked me out today? And tried to judo flip me the day before?”

“Compared to someone like you and the things you can do? I’m nothing. I do nothing.”

“Asha you can’t compare yourself to someone like me. We’re too completely different beings. That’s not a fair comparison!”

“Look, take it from someone like me, having powers isn’t always the best thing in the world. At least not in my world. I can’t deny that it does make certain things a bit…easier but it has its disadvantages as well.”

“Coulda fooled me,” Asha sniffled as she buried her head into her pillow. “People will like and appreciate you more for what you’ve done in a few days with your power than I ever did in my lifetime. I’ve been doing this job for five years, Cepheus. And in those five years, the king barely hangs up any apprentice portraits of me in the hallway and when he does it’s always in the most obscure places. Rosas’s best royal playmaker who lives and breathes everything royal didn’t even know I existed. The officials walk all over me because they know they don’t get punished for it! And until now I’ve never been invited to the royal fair like all of the other apprentices! I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. You’ve taught me that humans can be cruel, self-serving and defiant!”

She cast him an incredulous glare, “And that’s supposed to be a good thing because?”

“Because before I thought humans were basic creatures incapable of displaying more than 3 emotions at a time. But you shattered that. You taught me that humans were complex, capable of change, and altruism.”

“Altruism?” she sighed, slumping over her pillow. “What exactly about me is altruistic?”

“Well, when you noticed that Julian was running rampant, you risked your own life to save everyone there.”

“Everyone who was in danger because of the star I’d brought there in the first place, yes,” she crossly remarked. “How courteous of me to do the basic minimum of cleaning up a mess that I was the cause of in the first place!”

The star winced, “Alright, but how about the townspeople were disheartened by the market disaster? You were able to rally her people behind a common cause. You gave Lady Allard credit when you knew she didn’t deserve it!”

“To cover my own tracks,” Asha grumbled. “Plus I needed to get time off for my Saba’s birthday, remember? So it wasn’t exactly out of the goodness of my own heart.”

“Okay fair point but you can’t disagree with the fact that Delphine is a noblewoman, who prior to this all seemed to have garnered a reputation for being disliked amongst her community. But now she’s trying to do better because you helped to show her just how talented and caring your community was! If this hierarchy of yours is worth its salt, then I’m quite willing to bet that not many who share the same class as you can say they’ve done something similar. And then you granted Miss Nora’s wish for her son to have friends. You had no real reason nor gain to do so, but you did it anyway if only to save someone the pain you’d endured. And then you want me to heal Amala’s grandmother because you know what it’s like to feel that grief! You may not think of yourself as being altruistic, but you have to admit that at least your heart was in the right place for those two situations!”

“I do see your point. But I don’t think I’m as kind or as strong as you’re making me sound. If I were truly altruistic then I wouldn’t be crying over being forgotten or people not appreciating me. If I were even the tiniest bit strong then I wouldn’t be falling to pieces because people didn’t like me… or that my own father of all people didn’t think I was strong or deserving enough…if I were strong then I’d be doing everything in my power to prove him wrong, but…I’m just so tired of it all Cepheus“ she murmured and sighed. I know you’ll disagree with me, and say that it’s only human or natural to want or expect some decency and respect from others, but how can I when I don’t even think I’m…a good person?”

“Why do you say that?”

“a good person then I wouldn’t be falling to pieces now over this…if I were good then….I wouldn’t want things I know I shouldn’t have.”

“Things you shouldn’t have?”

She bit her lip, embarrassment nearly overwhelming her as she realized the hidden implication behind her words. What was she thinking admitting that to Cepheus of all people?

#the kingdom of the stars #wish au #writers on tumblr #kingdom of the stars #asha #cepheus

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