#breeze ramsey

[deathbypufferfish]

There were many highs and lows that night. Including what came next...

The next post has a written story that goes along with the scene! It's something I've never done before in my legacy. You can either click the link at the top and read along with the pictures, or read it under the post's cut for after. See you soon! 😉

[da-ill-spot]

Ramsey Lewis Trio - Summer Breeze Live (1973)

[asmallexperiment]

We're jazzing up your soft/yacht rock tonight. As one of those songs that was comprehensively produced, hearing it in this more open trio environment gives it a different life. It has some swing, some funk, and a serious level of exploration for a reading that only comes in at 4:33.

Lewis at this point is way over into his pop phase at this point: along with this, he's recording "Knight's In White Satin" and "Hand On Sloopy," but he had a way of doing it all in the most tasteful way. Cleveland Eaton is killing it on the bass and Morris Jennings is both free and locked in on drums.

[aggieharkness]

A garden of sorrows shall bloom into hope.

Pairing: Joan Ramsey x reader

Summary: love can never be evil. Love should never be cruel or selfish but listen and comfort. Love could never have a form or fit in a mold as it is a feeling so deep that it shapes one's very soul. Love was at Joan's feet and she was cradling it, on her knees.

Warnings: religious trauma, mentions of murder and death, grief, child loss, isolation, buuuuut things get better cause there's fluff

Author's note: I'm sorry it has taken me so long to post this, but I wanted it to be good because it's a Joan story and she's a really complex character. I hope you all like it and I do hope that you can all see it as a Valentine's story. Special shout-out to @bravewithacapitalb for being my Beta Reader when she's got her own thing going. I love you girl. Sorry @delusionalforolderwomen but it's not Libby (don't be mad 🥺) . As always, do tell me how it looks, if you all like it or if there are things I need to change. I accept constructive criticism. Also available on Ao3. Finally, let's thank Patti Lupone for giving us Joan Ramsey but curse the writers for not giving us more scenes with her. If she evil why shaped like such a cutie pie?!

Happy Valentine's!

Words: 12 K (No comment)

A garden of sorrows shall bloom into hope.

Say you’ll remember me, standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset. The radio never ceased its incessant pour of songs, most of them speaking of love and romance and futures that held no pain, only promises. Lies, all lies. Joan couldn’t help but scoff as the words went on, a goodbye to a loved one, someone who had meant something and who still held a special place in the singer’s heart, she thought, a foolish message that would fall on deaf ears. Or dead ears. The house was cold, silence creeping around every corner, making the wood creak and whine under its weight, curtains drawn and windows closed, not even a small breeze breaking into the house. She had no one to remember her by, not a soul left in her meaningless life that would hold her at night or sign with her in the kitchen while she cooked, only bitter memories and regret at her actions. The almighty had forsaken her, abandoned her in a vast land of sins and pain that she couldn’t escape from, and in the centre of all that fire and destruction that had become her life, she stood alone.

She laid in bed each night hoping she would not open her eyes the next day, unable to cope with everything that had happened, with the thoughts that she once had had a husband and son that she had loved more than herself and now only smoke was left, swirling in between her fingers, unable to grasp them, unable to fix what was broken. Joan barely ate, what little appetite she had vanishing every time she stepped into the house hoping to hear Luke, to even hear her late husband speaking on the phone to some client or other, only to be met by silence, that deafening noise that seeped into her bones. And today, was no different. She sat at the head of her oak dining table, a glass and bottle of red wine sitting in front of her as the radio played in the background trying to fill up the room with something that wasn’t the brutal sorrow that had overtaken her body. Her hair was piled on the back of her head, held by a black claw clip that dug onto her scalp, her bangs brushing her eyelids each time she blinked, but she showed no sign that it was bothering her, a few short random strands framing her face.

Months had passed since she had lost Luke, since she had let her own madness take him from her, the Devil’s work she had thought back then, and she was no closer to getting over it than the oceans were to drying up. No matter how much she tried to find an excuse, a reason as to why she had done all she had she could not, and it frightened her how lost she was, how little the scriptures she had once held onto as if they were oxygen to her meant to her now, only words in a worn book that brought no comfort. When had she stopped walking the path of the Lord? She had been His humble servant, and he had only put stones on her path that as the years went by, she had more trouble climbing, winning each trial he set before her with more difficulty each time. Had he been testing her faith all along or had he never cared for her? She was one of his children, and he cared for all of them equally and yet she felt… alone. Even when she had first gotten married she had felt alone, sitting in an empty house waiting for her beloved to walk through the front door to a warm delicious dinner and the sweetest, loving smile she could muster on her face. He had never truly seen her, pushing her aside without her noticing, or perhaps she had been aware, and she had been far too terrified of being left behind that she had let him.

The wine in her glass was sweet, her favourite kind, and it tinted her rosy lips as she took a sip, but as it slid down her throat it became sour, bitter on her tongue. Nothing tasted right anymore, the air around her didn’t smell as fresh as it once had, dusty, perhaps even musky and it clashed with the aroma of her perfume and shampoo, vanilla and sandalwood, in a nauseating manner that didn’t help her empty stomach. The song had ended a while ago, something different playing, raking in her ears like nails on a board, but she had no desire to stand and turn it off. She could not face the silence once more, it was poisoning her, killing her as the minutes passed by, the clock on the wall ticking in a perfect rhythm. So I'll dance with your ghost in the living room and I'll play the piano alone. What ghosts? The ones that she had caused or the ones that haunted her every second of every day? Could your eyes be considered a ghost? She had seen you arrive a few months ago, shortly after the incident with Luke, and as Joan’s big brown eyes had settled on your form, through the living room window, she could not help but admire the agility and grace with which you moved. It was a change from the way the girls in that school flaunted themselves, and in her heart, she felt a pang of sadness imagining how different you would be in only a few weeks. Probably condescending and with an air of superiority taught to you by Fiona, losing everything that made you so unique. She was proven wrong.

You had been warned about Joan, told about what she had done and how you were supposed to steer clear of her, but you didn’t. It had taken you several days to warm up to the idea of knocking on her door, a tray of homemade cookies in your hands, hoping your new housemates and teachers wouldn’t give you detention for breaking their rules, but there was something inside you that was curious, drawn to this unknown woman everyone seemed to hate. There were questions no one had ever bothered to ask to get the whole picture, and you intended to gather your own information and form your own opinions about her before you condemned her, after all she was nothing but a name to you. The instant the doors had opened your mind erased all preconceived ideas. She was beautiful, her perfectly straight hair framing a face of prominent cheeks and plump lips, a most exquisite pink hue tainting her skin, her features unique and utterly breathtaking. She had observed you quietly for a moment or two, curiosity glazing her eyes and she had not expected anyone to come knocking on her door, much less you, the new girl, but she could not say, not even now, that she was displeased by having another human being speak with her.

And it had taken her completely by surprise just how kind you were, how softly you spoke to her, and how unbothered you seemed to be by what she had done. Perhaps you hadn’t known? No, she had seen the hesitation at first in those beautiful eyes of yours, the way you held yourself at a prudent distance as if she could cause you harm, but when she had greeted you, Joan’s voice hoarse from not having spoken a single word in days those doubts had melted into nothing, ice under the sun. Of course, she was aware of what you were, of the power you held within you, and she had been wary of what you might do to her if you changed your mind about how you felt about her in the middle of the conversation, but that never happened, not for an instant did your interest sway from her and only her, no past tainting your ever-growing opinions. After she took the plate of cookies, a quiet thank you slipping from her rosy lips, the aroma of chocolate and sugar making her mouth water, your semblance took on a more sombre aura and with the utmost respect words of sympathy left your mouth, falling of the tip of your tongue like rain on a desert. And for the first time she felt as if someone actually cared about her pain, as if someone who could see her grief and sorrow and not just the actions that had unleashed it all. Tears had gathered in her eyes at that, only managing a nod as a lump formed in her throat preventing her from speaking, barely hanging on by a thread, and thankfully you understood. As you turned around to leave, your hand brushed over Joan’s wilting roses and like magic they blossomed once again, soft pink petals gleaming under the warm sunlight.

That first time she saw you haunted her to this day, the way your hair shone under the golden light of the full sun, how your flowy dress swayed in lazy waves around your legs in the warm breeze, the way your eyes had instantly bewitched her with their honesty and their caring gaze. You had known nothing but horrible things about her and yet you had had the courage of meeting her and treating her with kindness. She hadn’t known such a feeling since she was a young girl, not even her church acquaintances had bothered to show her an ounce of mercy and care when everything had unfolded before her, when hell had broken loose in her life. If God was supposed to love her, why had he closed his eyes at her pleas and let her wander into a dark path that had no exit? Each day became unbearable, long, dragging out until her tired body could not remain awake a moment longer even if all she had done was sit in her living room and let her guilt pushed her to the ground and stomp on her. The only moments of joy she lived were when you made it your own personal mission to get her to walk out onto the porch of the garden, her dressed hugging her frame looser every time you saw her, her skin losing that healthy glow that had adorned her that first time. It broke your heart just how everyone had cast her aside without asking why. Things were so much more complicated that she let on, you could sense it, but you never pushed her into spilling her secrets to you, highly doubting she had faced those terrors since they had happened.

You were indeed the only ghost she ever wanted in her life, floating through the halls of her house and whispering her name in her ear as soon as the sun set on the horizon, her bedroom bathed in the cool like of a full moon. But she had pushed you away, like the coward she was, afraid of what was blossoming in between the cracks of her broken heart, shards of red glass spread inside her chest. She had never thought anyone would be able to pick them up and put them together again, that someone who take an interest in a lost woman like herself, and as you had held her hand for the first time a week ago Joan had crumbled like a house of cards. She had melted into your touch, your smile lighting up the entire city as you pulled her out of her house and down the street, laughing and talking a thousand miles per minute about nothing and everything. She had listened to your every word, the sound of your voice a balm for her wounds as she let you to take her to the ends of the world, but when she had realised what was happening, that she had fallen for you she had pulled her hand from yours, forcing you to halt your steps and turn to her with a confused look on your face. Had you said or done something wrong? Why did she seem so upset all of a sudden? Without a word she had taken a step back from you, horror painting her features before she had run back to her house. She had refused to turn back as you called out her name, each time with a more pained tone, because if she had she wasn’t sure she wouldn’t have kissed you right there on the street, and she couldn’t be in love with someone like you.

What a joke it was now to think she had been so terrified of having something with you when the “Good book” was nothing more than a paper weight on her dining table. Verses about love sounded empty, just as hollow as was the void in her chest, the accusatory sermons she had heard over the years about what was supposed to be a happy marriage, how love should feel and look nothing more than poppycock as they echoed in her mind. I'm so scared that the moments we shared won't happen again. I don't want this to end. The radio had changed yet again, and it seemed to Joan as if it was connected to her, expressing what she could not bring herself to voice, terrified that if she opened up her heart all those verses that had been carved into her very being would crush her, punish her for not being who she was taught to be. But how could she carry on lying to herself? The Joan that had been blinded by God’s words had done things that should have made you run away, and yet you stayed, came back to her whenever she needed you without expecting anything but a smile in return. The Joan that now sat all alone in her big empty house, filled with demons brought by her own hand, could feel nothing knowing that the only chance at redeeming herself had been right there, in the palm of her hand and she had run away from it. You could have been the star that made her retrace her steps to the beginning of the road.

Like a leaf that falls from a tree, the cold breeze of winter making it sway from side to side, its broken edges slicing through the air, a single tear fell from her eyes, the crystal drop sliding down her cheek. It fell on her lap, sour and full of regret, and the once delicious wine tasted like a vile concoction the instant it touched her lips, but she forced herself to drink as if it could numb the pain of her past while her soft eyes stared at her bleak future, clouds only getting darker. No, it wasn’t God who punishing her, it was obvious he didn’t care enough about her to even do so, she was flagellating herself as if that could make the blood she had on her hands vanish, refusing to let anyone love her, crushing her own feelings as if she didn’t have the right to find happiness once again. She who is without sin, cast the first stone. The words stung her skin, fingers gripping the glass harder to the point where her knuckles turned white, the thin crystal cup threatening to shatter and splash wine and shards everywhere, but she didn’t stop. She could never pick up said stone, she could never throw it unless it was at herself, because she had done nothing but commit sin after sin thinking that they were justified, that she was being a good Christian woman when in truth she had strayed from the path long ago. Who was she following now? The Church? The Devil? Perhaps there was no one on the other side of those empty words preached every Sunday. Ain't it funny how time shows you, you know nothing.

The song finished, leaving a few seconds of complete silence to fill up the room, the flames of a few candles Joan had lit an hour ago or so the only source of light, casting wavy shadows onto the wood. When had everything gone wrong? With a silly voice the person doing the program on the radio spoke about the playlist they had ready for the next forty-five minutes, every song a message of love for everyone who celebrated this special holiday. Another scoff fell from Joan’s lips; it was Valentine’s Day, of course. She had barely left the house in the last three days, she had not seen the millions of flowers and balloons that filled up the stores, not the way your frame had been glued to your bedroom window hoping to get a glimpse of her, wondering why the sudden reluctance and fear of you. She hated the holiday, it felt frivolous, cold to her, and she hadn’t really had anyone to celebrate it with since Luke had been a child, her husband always busy, always emotionally unavailable, the house waiting for a bouquet that never arrived, a ring that remained at the store, a box of chocolate that went stale on the shelf where it rested. She had been s deep in thought that it took her a couple of minutes to hear the doorbell, the shrill sound almost making her ears bleed. She only wanted to be left alone so she could get drunk in her own sorrow until she could no longer breathe, but whoever was on the other side of her front door was not giving up, and after switching between knocks and that horrid bell for over five minutes Joan stood, the chair scraping angrily over her wooden floors.

She was angry at the interruption, and it showed in the way her heels echoed as she made her way to the door, grabbing the knob and throwing it wide open, the glass rattling as it hit the wall. Whatever she was going to say to whoever was on the other side faded into the ether as her eyes were met with the sight of a sea of flowers at her feet, a rainbow of colours gleaming under the soft light of the full moon that shone high up in the night sky. There were dozens of roses of every shade imaginable sprawled over the white pine wood, tulips, sunflowers, and what seemed a thousand more flowers resting in between. She was no stranger to gifts, small things that didn’t mean much like an old perfume or a silver bracelet in which her name was spelled wrong, but this was a whole new level. On the stairs, kneeling before Joan, you looked up at her, a lovely white dress subtly hugging your figure while a blue box rested on the palms of your hands. You had never looked so perfect before, smiling kindly up at her as your eyes held her gaze, something she couldn’t quite recognise dancing like stars on your irises, sparkling with a life that pulled her towards you like a magnet. Her brown heels took one single step forward, the wood creaking under her weight, her hand falling slowly from the doorknob and coming to rest on her side, her lips parted in surprise, a slight red colour lingering from the wine.  

-Y/N? – her voice sounded so raspy and raw, as if she hadn’t used it since the day she left you, and perhaps she had. No one had come to visit her ever since you had moved in next door, it would be no surprise, but that didn’t mean it was a pleasant thought.

-Hello, Joan.

-What are you doing here? What’s all this?

-121 flowers. One for each day I’ve known you, and all of them as an apology for whatever I did wrong the other day.

-This must have cost a fortune. – her feet brushed the soft petals of a purple tulip as her body moved closer to yours of its own accord, almost as if your skin was calling out to hers, her heart racing against her ribs nearly painfully.

-That doesn’t matter, you are worth this and much more, Joan.

-But why? – she had never felt so conflicted before, wishing you would take her in your arms and never let her go but knowing that whatever this was, if it was ever something and not just a hallucination of her mind, wasn’t right. But then why did she feel like you were her saviour and guide? Part of her would follow you blindly like Mary had followed Christ, sharing your burdens and kneeling at the foot of your cross ready to gather you in her arms. But the other held her back, keeping her in a prison that was her own mind, prejudices that had been taught to her all her life making her feel as if what her heart was saying to her, whispers spoken from in between the cracks, would condemn her to an eternity of pain. But wasn’t she already living like that? You had stood from your spot on the stairs, analysing the sadness that had laced her question as you stepped closer to her, barely a foot separating you, the blue box you had been holding now resting on the floor next to your feet.

-Because you don’t deserve what you are going through. I don’t care how many times Fiona tells me you are dangerous and that I can’t see you. I know you would do me no harm. I have heard your story on a loop from mouths that weren’t yours for months and it doesn’t seem fair. They have no right to tell your story.

-But they do, and people listen to them. Do yourself a favour Y/N and go home.  

Was she really about to give up on the only thing that had made her truly happy in years? Her hand hesitated to touch you, knowing it would be even harder to let you go the moment her touch starved soul caressed yours, but she indulged herself, at least one last time, and took your hand in hers, her thumb rubbing your soft skin. All the way from the dining hall a new song played, and it couldn’t have been a most perfectly cruel choice. Don't you know I'm no good for you? I've learned to lose you. Joan truly fought to keep her composure, to not break down before you had walked away, but you didn’t move and with the way you were looking at her as if she was the sun, the moon and all the stars combined her carefully crafted walls collapsed. Tears fell down her cheeks in quick succession, burning her flesh, and she almost expected you extract your hand from hers and leave her standing there drowning in her own grief the same way everyone else had, but your warmth never left.

You had never known of anyone who deserved love more than Joan, and at the sight of her tears, her very soul conflicted with who she was at this point in her life, unsure of what she wanted and what she felt she had the right to ask for, all translated into the tears that fell like sharp diamonds all the way to the cold hard wood under her feet you threw caution to the wind and gathered her in your arms. Her breath caught in her throat when she felt the palms of your hands on her back pressing her against your warm body, a sea of flowers and fallen petals in a circle around your feet, the sweet aroma enfolding her as much as your embrace did. Her thin dress was no obstacle for your heat to seep into her bones, easing all the aches that had settled deeply within her, listening to the way your heart beat slowly, almost in a perfect rhythm. But it was the touch of your lips, soft and tender, on her temple that had her sobbing into the crook of your neck. She could not do it, she could not watch you slip through her fingers after all the pain she had gone through, your presence the only thing she ever wanted in her life. My love, my love, my love, my love. Won't you stay a while? 

You would stay for all eternity if that’s what she wanted, if it meant healing her and seeing her smile as you shared the smallest of things, watching her find her own path, her own light and purpose out of all the teachings that had turned her into a woman she hadn’t recognised when standing in front of the mirror. Your fingers traced lazy patterns in between her shoulder blades as your other hand held her gently against your frame by the back on her neck, her tears leaving wet patches on your dress, though you cared very little about it. A chill drifted under the roofed porch, riding up Joan’s spine and making her shiver but she didn’t move, the grip her hands had on your gown making her knuckles turn white. If loving you, caring about you was such a horrible thing, a temptation from the Devil, why did it feel as if she was walking the heavens now that she was in your arms? Was she willing to risk eternal damnation in exchange for a lifetime with you? You had come back to her even after her fears and doubts had made her run away, and you had brought her a flower for every single day you had known each other; no one had ever done such a thing for her, she could not even recall the last time she had been given a single lilting flower, let alone 121.

-You don’t need to be so strong all the time Joan. Let yourself grief, I will be here to hold you and take what you can’t carry. Don’t believe for an instant that you are undeserving of love or understanding. Those who have not lived it all in your skin cannot see and feel the truths hidden in your mind. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Your voice was calm, soothing as each word fell from your lips like rain after a long draught and it filled every cell in her body with a sense of peace that halted her sobs and made her lift her head from your shoulder, red, puffy eyes locking onto yours. Were you an angel sent to her to return her to the rightful path, to the road built in the truths that were never written and therefor never changed, each stone an action that had no other witness but Him? There could be wrong in the way her heart raced as your words sunk deeply withing the cracks, no evil clouding her mind, making her stray for she was now exactly where she was meant to be, and your touch was nothing but glorious, a rejoicing song against her skin. Her face was only inches away from yours, your eyes counting every freckle that adorned her nose and cheeks, such an intimate position reminding her that that was the closest she had been to another person in years. The traces of a life she didn’t want to go back to lingered in everything she did and everything she said, habits that would take an entire lifetime to erase and yet she was willing to do so, as long as you were right beside her, reassuring her that everything would be alright every time those demons that haunted her came to claw at her free will, tempting her to fall back into the darkness she currently resided in, regret and fear her only companions.

Her chocolate eyes hid thousands of secrets, of untold stories that you wanted to hear, but not because you were a curious person or a gossip, which you supposed you were to a certain extent, but because they were simply hers and everything that belonged to her was, everything that was her, meant the world to you. You did not fight the feeling of your heart jumping a bit as you held her gaze, falling down rivers of sorrow and happiness that run underneath long oak bridges, their path taking you to where Joan’s broken soul laid, cracks running deeply from side to side as the light within her quivered dimly under the weight of everything that had happened. Your gentle hands could not heal the ill nor make the dead rise, but they could hold her steady as the wounds stitched themselves together, no more blood pooling in that void that had formed in her chest. The late-night breeze carried the words of song Joan didn’t know, sweet notes that danced in between specks of dust, floating lazily, twirling in a waltz that no one saw. And even though she was unfamiliar with the music, it somehow made your eyes glint under the silvery beams that bathed the pavement, moonlight casting a spell over the city, away from the yellow lights of the streetlamps. Now, I've thought it through. Crawling back to you.     

Over glass and burning embers, you would crawl on your hands and knees back to her, even if the world turned against you, even if there was nothing else worth living for, she would be the only reason you drew breath every morning as dawn broke through the horizon and as the thick veil of night covered the sky. The petals scattered on the floor glowed under the pearly beams, reflecting on Joan’s sun-kissed skin, translucent rainbows lingering on her cheeks, dripping over her full lips like honey, slow and perfectly sweet. Her hands didn’t want to release your dress, afraid you might vanish before her eyes and her brain realised that all this had been nothing but bitter dream induced by the lack of sleep and the wine, another punishment she was inflicting on herself, but she still did it, her fingers stiff as they released the warm fabric, discomfort building in her hands at the hard grip she had had on you. Your touch lingered for an instant longer, but when her arms fell to her sides you understood the moment had passed, and as much as your words were still echoing inside Joan’s mind, your fingers tenderly brushed the skin of her neck one last time before cold meet the spots where your warmth seeping from your palms had been.

It was a most odd sensation to feel a shiver running down her spine at the lack of your touch on her, wishing your hands were still on her. She could hardly recall when had been the last time her husband had held her hand, let alone kiss her on the cheek or look at her they way your eyes did, no fear or disgust shinning over them. She could not remember if anyone had ever bothered to go to the extents you had to show her they cared, to do something with a meaning, not just to fill up the purpose of the holiday and get her off their backs, and make her feel like perhaps there was hope for her. Standing in separate circles once again, you took the opportunity to kneel at her feet and pick up a single flower, a most perfect pink lily that Joan hadn’t noticed before, a little trick you had had up your sleeve, and in the most gentlemanly manner you could muster bowed and handed it to her. Her lips broke into a giddy smile, unable to stop it even if she had wanted to, her slender fingers taking hold of the stem and bringing it to her nose, the rich floral accents that fell from its petals, bright and deep pink tones painted on the inside with the utmost care as the edges stood out in a pristine white, never overshadowing the other, only blending to perfection as pastel pink dots laid scattered over the soft floral leaf, filling her lungs.

-Its beautiful Y/N. Thank you. – her timid smile was partially hidden by the flower, resting gently over her rosy lips, but that didn’t mean you hadn’t seen it or hadn’t noticed the tint that was spreading over her cheeks, a most enchanting shade of red complimenting her doe eyes.

-I’m glad you like it, but I’m not done yet. I have a few more things planned for us. That is of course, if… you want to be my Valentine.

-Your… your Valentine? Me?

-Yes. There’ no one else in the entire planet that I would rather spend this day with than you, Joan. Not a soul. – you had rendered her speechless for a moment, the thought of you actually asking her such a thing never having crossed her mind, which was foolish really. You had done all this because you wanted to spend this holiday with her. She was aware that her smile was that of a shocked by lovesick teenager now, her heart fluttering like butterflies trapped in a cage begging to be released, using the lily as a shield to hide her ever-growing blush from your piercing by kind eyes.

-I… I think I would like that. Very much.

-Then please, take this as a token of my affections for you.    

She had completely forgotten about the blue box that rested next to your feet, a white ribbon tying it closed so its contents wouldn’t be spilt all over her front porch, Joan’s eyes watching as your body quickly bent over to pick it up. She still held the flower in between her fingers, cool under its touch, as you presented yet another gift to her, curiosity peeking for the second time that night, but she didn’t want to let go of the lily, and so with quick hands she placed it on the side of her head, the smooth petals caressing her temple as the she secured the flower by threading the stem in between a few locks of hair and the claw clip that held the silky strands on the back of her head. She would wear it all night long and put it in a vase with water next to her bed when the day was done and sleep began to creep up on her, wishing to close her eyes to its sight and wake up to it as well, the gesture forever engraved in her mind. With both hands now free her fingers made quick work of the bow and ribbon, the rough material resting over your palms, and with shaky limbs, anticipation building quickly within her, she pushed the top off.

-Oh, Y/N! – wasn’t it a most melodious sound to hear her laugh? Those loud tones, unapologetic as they echoed in the night, sweet as happiness poured out of them in quick succession, her smile only growing bigger as sparks shone in her eyes. One thing was to hear her chuckle, maybe even be granted the honour of hearing a soft laugh pass her plump lips, and another far more magical and sublime was to hear that rumbling sound sliding with easy from her throat, being you and only you the cause and the benefactor of such a sound. There were no gold necklaces or platinum bracelets resting over expensive layers of velvets, no seas of diamonds or rubies that could adorn her collarbones or her fingers, not even a unique bottle of scotch waiting for her inside that box, and yet what was presented to her held a much deeper meaning and an aura of love and care that she appreciated far more than all the jewellery money could buy. Twenty small doughnuts were neatly placed on top of a pink sheet of parchment paper, white melted chocolate displayed on top of the spongy dough as red icing spelled “ Happy Valentine’s Joan”, purple, red, white and pink sprinkles decorating each pastry to perfection, the last doughnut of the batch being the only one shaped as a heart, covered in ruby chocolate and with what looked like some sort of jam spilling from its insides.

-I made them myself. The first batch burned because I didn’t hear the oven go off, but I think these ones turned out pretty good. I hope you like them.

-They are wonderful. And beautiful. You didn’t have to go to all this trouble for me you know?

-It’s no trouble, at all Joan. Anything that I make for you is never a chore or a task. I enjoy it, trust me. – she did, she could not find a single reason not to do so when your intentions shone as pure as snow, no hidden requests or lies masked as innocent compliments. There was no venom in your smile, no evil behind your beautiful eyes, only genuine care for her that made her all warm and fuzzy, a feeling she had forgotten about, a sensation she wondered for a moment if she had ever truly felt. You took one step towards her, the edge of the box barely an inch from her bosom, the chill breeze that had been lazily twirling around the both of you now picking up slightly, goosebumps and shivers making you shake on your spot. -Could I come in? It’s getting colder and I still have one more thing to give you.

-Another present? Greed is not a friend that one should engage with Y/N.

-It is not greed, I assure you. I did not buy it, and in truth it’s more of a necessity. – her narrowed a little but her smile never faltered, not for a minute, the lily in her hair matching the blush that painted her cheeks.

-Alright, come on in. – she took a few steps back until her heels clacked over the wooden floors of her entryway, watching as you made your way to her door carefully as not to crush any of the flowers under your feet. She would figure out tomorrow morning what to do with them all, for now, she liked to think they were simply guarding her home. You picked up quickly on the musty smell that floated in the air, clinging to the drawn curtains, darkness spreading through every room like a wildfire, a pang of sadness slamming you on the chest as you made your way to the dining room. The candles Joan had lit hours ago barely had any wax left, the flames dimming with each passing second, the lonely bottle of wine along with the half-drunk glass resting and glistening under the flickering light. You had no taste for such a drink, but it was obvious that the burgundy liquid was a common guest in Joan’s house, a hint of shame in her eyes as you looked at her over your shoulder. Carefully not to make the glass tumble and ruin both the table and the floor you left the box of doughnuts beside one of the silver candlesticks, white wax embedded in the crevasses of a swan engraved in the metal, checking that the pastries were all still intact before turning to face Joan, a bright smile on your face to overshine the downcast look that had taken her hostage.

-Wait here a moment. I’ll be right back.

Like the perfect summer breeze your perfume caressed her face as you walked past her, your hand brushing hers, fingers timidly kissing each other for an instant that ended too soon, leaving a tingling sensation on her skin that travelled like electricity up her arm to her elbow. Watching you walking back to the front door, your dress flowing around your knees, she stood in the poorly lit room, cursing herself for the way the house betrayed her and screamed silently about her state of mind, long curtains refusing to let the cold breeze of February in. Hoping you didn’t think less of her she rushed towards the closet window, pushing the heavy fabrics to the sides and unlatching the frames, pushing the glass upwards until the cold wind of the night burst in unannounced but not unwelcome. Shivers ran down her spine, but she pushed through, repeating the motion for the other two windows that were left, that stale stench she had mentally complained about not that long ago losing the fresh crisp air that was now filling the room. It wasn’t that she hadn’t cleaned the house in months, she still woke up every morning with a task to fill all those dead hours that lay ahead of her, but she had neglected certain aspects that would have clashed with her mood, the need to keep herself secluded, detained in her own home as much as she was by her mind, preventing her from enjoying the simple sight of the sunlight breaking through her front door, or basking in its warmth by the window with a hot cup of tea cradled in her hands. She had no right to such simple things after everything, she thought.

But now the room was bathed in perfect waves of silver and platinum, strings of pearly dust floating along to the sweet voices that still played on the radio, the wind that now rushed through the house kissing the flickering flames goodbye as one by one they vanished into rivulets of smoke. Standing in the doorway your eyes raked over Joan’s frame as moonlight rained over her, her deep eyes holding your gaze, sparkling under its silvery touch. Never before had a person been more beautiful than her, her blue dress like an ocean enfolding her curves, her hair shining under the glow of the pink petals that caressed her temple, the soft breeze that came from the windows kissing her skin and twirling around her like currents, transparent foam around her feet. It's you, it's you, it's all for you. Everything I do. I tell you all the time. Heaven is a place on earth with you. Words had never spoken bigger truths. All for Joan, so she would grant you entrance to the Heaven that clung to her skin, your lips begging to worship the ground she walked on, the air she breathed, the clothes she wore and hoping that one day you would be able to cross the threshold on her bedroom and lay beside her in that bed that claimed her holy body each night. With slow steps you made your way to the table once more and placed two paper bags gently over the wood, eyes never straying from her form, fighting not to blink should you miss a single thing about her.

She walked towards you, her gentle movements a sight for sore eyes, approaching you as if she hadn’t noticed the way your sight lingered on her and drank her in, and perhaps it had been so. Joan was unused to being the object of people’s affections, it would be no surprise if she had mistaken your actions for nothing more than admiration, but inside the woman’s chest, her heart slammed against her ribs with each beat, a million butterflies fluttering inside her, thanking the darkness of the room that had kept her blush at bay from your beautiful eyes. Without a word each of you worked on a bag, a comfortable silence accompanying your actions as the song carried on softly in the background, a few containers with food lay on the table after a few minutes, the delicious aroma of well-cooked and homemade dishes reaching Joan’s nose, making her mouth water as she turned to look at you, surprise and a hint of gratitude painted on her face. It had been far too long since she had had something that hadn’t been a premade meal, her constant internal battle and continuous self-sabotage leaving her drained and unable to do one of the things she loved the most. Lifting one of the lids, the smell of rosemary filled the room, her eyes as wide as saucers as slices of a rotisserie chicken stood out from under what she was sure was a delicious sauce.

-You made and brought me dinner? That’s the surprise you had for me?

-I know it’s not as grand or greedy as a night in town or a diamond necklace, but I thought this would be much better for you. I’ve made enough so that you’ll be able to eat for at least a week.

-Y/N… I… You don’t know how much this means to me. You really are a blessing. – her hands rested tenderly on your cheeks, her smile as big as the entire universe and so bright that she could light the whole house, but her palms didn’t remain on your skin for too long, and you didn’t stop her when they left a cold spot over your flesh. It was obvious things would have to be done at her pace.

-I’m happy you like it. Why don’t you bring some plates while I open the rest?

Her steps were quick as she made a beeline for the kitchen, leaving you in charge of everything else. A most exquisite sea of aromas overwhelmed the crisp air of the dining room, salty condiments along with tomato and herbs dancing in perfect unison as you placed the main dish of the night, baked parmesan chicken on a bed of angel hair pasta with green beans and roasted potatoes as sides, beside the glass of red wine. You truly hoped to steer her away from the burgundy drink before dinner started, but at the same time you didn’t wish to make her feel self-conscious about it, as if she was doing something wrong when she was a grown woman who could make her own decisions. But there was no time to indulge in that train of thought as she came back with two plates and cutlery in one hand while she juggled two glasses and a pitch of water in the other. Of course, you rushed to her aid and were thanked with the sight of that tender smile she seemed to have reserved just for you.

-You really have outdone yourself.

-Thank you. I had the kitchen all to myself today, so I was able to prepare everything with all the care in the world. Where do you keep your candles?

-It’s okay, I’ll get them. – the radio rested on top of a set of drawers, Joan heading its way and pulling the first one open before returning to the table, two long white candles in her hand that she exchanged for the old ones. Just as she was about to head back to the kitchen, to get matches, you thought, your hand shot out to grab her wrist, the sudden touch making her whip her head towards you, a wary veil of confusion covering her features.

-Let me. – without letting her go, the grasp on her skin never too strong, allowing her to pry her hand away should she wish to, the fingers of your right hand touched each wick, observing happily how in less than an instant the warm light of a flame bathed the room, colliding with the cool tones that they moon cast inside the house, orange and silver fighting as they reflected on Joan’s pink cheeks. Her big eyes shone under the orange light, like melted chocolate that called out to you, her gaze glued to the candles as the flames flickered steadily, amazement hiding behind her perfect irises. You could not say that you were not proud to have rendered her speechless once again. She was no stranger to what people called magic, but the way you used it, you seemed to have a relationship, some sort of understanding of your own abilities that she had never seen before, didn’t make her feel fear anymore. She felt curious about what else you were capable of, but was too worried about you taking offense that she didn’t ask and simply basked in the beauty of such a domestic task. – Now we can eat. Are you okay Joan?

-What? Oh, yes, perfectly alright. Before we have what clearly looks like a delicious meal I was wondering if we could have one of those doughnuts you brought.

-Of course. Which letter do you fancy?

-I was thinking we could share the heart. One half for you and the other for me, if you are agreeable.

-Absolutely.       

 The cardboard made a scratching sound as you lifted the top, and with careful fingers you pried it from the parchment paper and placed it on one of the plates she had brought, the knife slicing through the middle as if it were butter, stains of pink chocolate and red jam over the metal. Joan took her half of the pastry, muttering a thank you, and slowly took a bite savouring the fluffiness of the dough and the sweetness of the chocolate, the flavour removing the bitter aftertaste the wine had left on her tongue. But the calm moment didn’t last for too long, the acidity of the jam hitting her as if she had just been run over by a car, not because it was too strong or bad, but because it was raspberry jam. She could recall as if she had done it that same morning, going down to the market with little Luke grasping her hand, holding onto her and looking up at her with his big adoring eyes, asking her if he could have some ice cream, the wicker basket she had in her other hand heavy with all the food she had bought. Every Saturday morning would be the same. She would get up and get ready for the day before heading to her son’s room, opening his teddy bear curtains so the sun could come through the window, drool falling from his mouth onto the pillow as he slept, one of his front teeth missing.

Getting him up and ready was her first task of the day, his groggy form sagging against her chest and shoulder as she picked him up and took him to the kitchen, a bowl of cereal waiting for him as she made herself a cup of coffee. She could hear his rumbling as the radio played, talking a thousand miles a minute about whatever he had done in school the previous day, mentioning his friends and teachers and speaking of how elephants were big and grey and hamster so small, cupping his tiny hands as to make his point clearer to his mom. Those morning watching him be so utterly excited about the most mundane of things lingered in her mind, memories that she had revisited so many times as her boy grew, feeling as if she was losing him, as if those moments had vanished into nothing. She would have done anything to go back to all that, to stumbling up the stairs to help him dress as she told him gently that he needed to pick up his toys, brushing his unruly hair before walking out the door with her basket, Luke trailing behind her sometimes with his fish plushie and sometimes not, her attention having to drift from the pavement to her boy and his friend Nemo. They would walk between each stall and Joan would tenderly answer and explain everything that her beautiful boy asked, not caring how many hours they spent out in the streets as long as Luke remained by her side, the warm sun rising higher and higher in the sky.

The feeling of his little fingers, soft and smooth against her palm, lingered on her skin still, as if she could look down and see him standing there with scraped knees, begging her to kiss his pain away, cheeks pink and fat tears falling from his eyes, after taking a tumble with a rock. She could almost feel him pulling on her arm as his eyes landed on his favourite stall, pounds and pounds of raspberries waiting for him, the boxes a few inches above his head. His excitement was always contagious, his toothy smile matching the one on her lips as they made their way towards the grocer. The first time he had seen them his eyes had been wide as saucers, pointing at the red fruits, amazed at the quantity and hadn’t stopped asking to have one until finally Joan had given in and bought a pound of them, knowing that even if Luke didn’t like them, she could still use them and eat them herself. He had fallen in love almost instantly and when they got home the bag had barely lasted more than a few days, so the next Saturday she had purchased more had told her boy that they would make jam with some of them as a treat for how well he was doing in school. He had been so excited that that night he had woken her up almost every hour to ask her if it was time, his thrilled tone preventing her from scolding him, strands of his hair sticking in different directions and his body dressed in a pair of yellow pyjamas with a big giraffe on his t-shirt.

A onetime thing soon became a habit, a special moment they shared every Saturday once they were done at the market, his steps jolly and bouncy as they walked down the street, Luke pointing at every single thing his curious eyes could see as if Joan wasn’t to used to them already, and she indulged him, because he was her little boy, her everything. And now she only had those, the bittersweet memories of a happy life that had turned into dust all because of her own selfish wants and needs, because she could not heal from a broken heart and let her grief and sorrow lead her in life. She had been so sure she was doing the right thing for Luke, following the scriptures her priest had provided her with, telling her that the only way Luke would grow to be the man she wanted him to be was by making sure temptation never entered her house, keeping him secluded with her and following the Lord’s teachings without question. She had not doubted that man’s words, too distraught to even consider that that was not the way, that God was love, not fear, that he was everyone’s father and loved each of his children without expecting anything in return. And yet she had followed him blindly, losing herself in the process and ruining her boy with each day that she punished him for not doing what she had been taught was right.

She had tried so hard to keep him safe, paranoid that temptation hid in every corner that she had forgotten who God was and what his son had preached, stealing Luke away from Nan as if she was the Devil herself all because she had a gift no one else she had ever met had. She had driven her son away, lost that little boy who used to fall asleep in her arms as she sang lullabies and with whom she used to make raspberry jam. The pain that crawled under her skin was beyond anything she had ever felt, as if millions of daggers were stabbing her, blood pouring out of each wound as tears fell down her cheeks, fire burning her flesh, guilt and disgust poisoning and rotting her blood in her veins. She had killed her boy, her reason for being alive, her very soul, because to her there had been no other truth but that of the “Good book”, her narrowminded thoughts having turned her into the biggest hypocrite and selfish woman she had ever known, refusing to believe her actions had been wrong until now. Her baby was gone because she hadn’t wanted him to be with someone like Nan, a girl she had called a servant of Satan, an abomination that walked the Earth, and who had taken her life now that Luke was no longer there with her. She wished to rip her skin off, to escape this agony that crushed her under its inevitable weight, but there was no way out.

How wrong she had been, her own mind betraying everything she had ever loved and cherished and turning her into a monster. How could you be there with her, speaking of love and bringing her gifts when she had killed her son? Her Luke. The name escaped from her lips as realization fell harshly over her, the fact that she was here with you, a woman, her feelings betraying everything she had ever known and been told about love, a most needed but agonising wake-up call. She had put her son through Hell in the name of a God that had forsaken her, that had abandoned her and left her in the dark when she had needed him the most, bringing forth a side of her that had not hesitated to claim her own son’s life so that the secret of her husband’s death would never be brought to light and to ensure that her perfect boy’s soul remained pure, untainted by the girl he had fallen for. How could pain be so raw, so overwhelming and vast that it caused one to want to rip their own heart from their chest? She had carried him, birthed him and held him to her as she told him that love would find him when the time was right, only to refuse him the gift of a happy life with her own bare hands. There wasn’t enough air in the entire planet for her to breathe, her throat refusing to swallow not even an ounce of oxygen, her lungs begging for it as sobs rocked her body.

A thousand emotions had rushed through her eyes the instant she had taken that first and only bite. One moment there had been the sweetest of the smiles gracing her lips and the next tears had begun to pour as her gaze became lost in a world of her own, the atmosphere clinging onto the regret and sorrow that seeped from her body. And then her son’s name had fallen from her lips and the last piece of the puzzle was finally in its rightful place. You had stood as fast as your body had allowed you and wrapped your arms around her trembling frame, the pastry forgotten on the ground by her feet. These tears were different from the ones she had shed a few moments before, they were harsh and sharp as daggers and they were accompanied by the grieving sound of a mother who no longer had a child, a mother who would never get to see her baby become an adult and have a life of his own.

-It’s alright, I’m here. I’m here.

-I… did it… Y/N… - her voice was muffled by her head hiding on your chest, hands gripping the neckline of your dress in despair.

-I know, Jo, I know.

-I didn’t… I didn’t want to… He was my baby! My only baby… - had the Devil taken reign of her senses and clouded her mind with false verses? She would have never laid a single finger on her little boy, not even to discipline him and yet she had caused him harm far too many times to count. She could not escape this pain, this feeling that she had no right to feel anything but grief, to let it consume her. Undeserving of your love and your kind words. Underserving of having you in her life, your mere existence bringing forth a happiness that she had denied to her own flesh and blood.

-I know, my darling. Let it out. There is nothing you could do that would make me leave you, so grieve. You have lost your son, there is no greater pain than that.

You had never heard a sound so frightening and yet so heartbreaking slip out of someone’s throat like the scream that was ripped from Joan’s chest. It came from so deep within her that it made her entire body shake and tremble, rattling her very soul, the sound vibrating through your skin like a thousand needles. It was blood curling and hellish in execution, so full of anger, regret, and pain that it mixed into the most agonizing sound a human could ever produce and yet should never hear. Nothing could have prepared her for the sheer emptiness that coursed through her veins, for the way she wanted to claw at her own skin to make it all stop hurting, begging in between sobs to turn back time, to return to how things had been once upon a time, when it had been her and Luke against the world. Before her mind had been poisoned by false words and her entire life had lost its meaning. She could have carried on screaming for all eternity, blood filling her lungs as she choked on her own remorse, but she was too broken to even hold the sound for too long, and after a few moments it blended back into sobs. It had been four months since she had lost the most precious thing in her little universe and it was only now that she was feeling all that anguish for the first time, all the grief slamming onto her at full force, knocking her off her feet and making her tumble and crumple to the floor.  There would be no more helping him with his math work, no more cuddling him to sleep when he was sick, no more Saturdays at the market. No more raspberry jams.

Her tired body melted slowly in your arms with each passing second, her tears pooling in the neckline of your dress leaving a cold spot on the skin underneath that the breeze was not gentle with, shivers running down your arms as it sliced through your flesh. You could not imagine what thoughts swirled in her head, what memories were haunting her as her boy’s name fell from her lips over and over, as if that simple action could bring him back, but the house remained quiet, cold, and empty, even the light of the candles seeming to have lost all its warmth as the flames flickered gently. The only sounds echoing against the bare walls, empty frames hanging over the floral wallpaper, were Joan’s sobs, or at least the only sounds you were paying attention to, rubbing comforting circles on her back as your other hand caressed her soft hair, for the radio carried on playing. I wish that Heaven had visiting hours, and I would ask them if I could take you home. The words floated around Joan’s head, begging her to listen, making a lump form in her throat as her heart bled inside her chest, the crimson liquid puddled on the floor under the shard of her completely shattered life. But a glimpse of light shone amongst all the darkness, your voice hushed and tender as you spoke the last verse of the song against her temple, the lily slightly crumpled but nevertheless beautiful.

-And I will close the door, but I will open up my heart. And everyone I love will know exactly who you are. Cause this is not goodbye; it is just 'til we meet again. So much has changed since you've been away. - An entire lifetime had happened since she had lost him, and not once, not even for an instant, had her boy left her thoughts. She almost expected still to see him walking down the hall or stealing a bite before dinner, to find him in his room playing that horrible music she despised so much as he did his homework, but he wasn’t even a ghost haunting her. She would have given her soul, as blasphemous as she knew that was, for one more day with him, to explain, to look at his face and engrave the colour of his eyes in her mind for all eternity. With tears still streaming down her face she lifted her head to gaze upon yours, a question on the tip of her tongue that she couldn’t bring herself to say. Would he forgive her if she could talk to him one last time?

-Y/N…

-What? Talk to me, Joan.

-Luke… I… Would he… - why was it so hard? Why did those words seem to weigh like a thousand rocks? Her grip was even stronger now, her eyes pleading for you to understand, to look deep inside her and pry the question from the very essence of her being so she would not crumble at your feet once again. Your voice did not hesitate to respond.

-He would. He would listen to your every word, and at first, he would be mad, furious even, but it wouldn’t be for the reasons you think. He would be angry because you were so deeply hurt, so broken, that your pain made you ask for help from people you trusted only for them to deceive you. He would not diminish your doings, and he would be upset at the extent of your own actions, but with time he would have understood that you only did it because you thought it was the right way. You are his mother and always will be, and you have repented for what you did.

-But what I did was evil, something so brutal that I fear has no possible salvation. I killed my own son, Y/N.

- “For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret”. You have walked this path alone Joan, you have grieved and cried in remorse for what you have done, and He, who cares for us all has seen it and has forgiven you. Luke would do the same, because you are his mother and he would not want to see you like this, broken and battered by your own hand.

-But I deserve it. I am no better than all those people who drove me to this point and then abandoned me.

-You are Joan, you are the most wonderful person I have ever met, and one that needs to heal from all the horrible things that have happened to you. You are free from them, from the chains that held you down with false hopes and lies dressed in empty promises, and it is that, and only that, that would make Luke forgive you. You are deserving of love, and you must not think that your little boy would not be thrilled to have the mother he so loved back in his arms. “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy”.

Your words, coupled with the tender, caring tone you used soothed her pain like nothing had ever before, and for the first time in years, she felt as if she could breathe, as if the air filling her lungs wasn’t rotten anymore. She would be forgiven. Her precious baby boy wouldn’t look at her like she was the worst human in history, pointing accusingly at her while telling her that it was all her fault, that she had brought this agony onto herself. There was hope for her to find happiness once again, to let the gentle rays of sunlight burst through her windows and for her to not run away as if her skin would blister at the feeling, the warm light bathing her house, the silence that had settle so deeply in each beam and wall fading as the sound of birds chirping and voices coming from the street filled each room. Her eyes glistened under the flames, orange and yellow tinges caressing her perfect chocolate irises, so full of hope and dreams she had not even dared to think about before, tears no longer falling but leaving wet paths over her cheeks. With a tender touch your thumbs wiped them away, and with that motion, your fingers ripped the weight that had been crushing her from her flesh, guilt and shame fading into acceptance and understanding as her penitence ended. She had taken accountability for her actions and in return she had been granted a second chance. She had been gifted with your presence and your love.

This time she didn’t let go of you, not caring if your face was only inches from hers, if she could breathe your sweet perfume, a blend of berries and vanilla, deep within her, its soft tendrils enfolding her essence the same way your hands were cradling her face. It would have been so easy to kiss her, to brush your lips against hers, but if you were going to do this, if you were going to walk this path with her, hand in hand, you could wait until she was sure, until her body spoke to you and asked in a silent plea for your touch. The radio was silent for a moment, only the sound of Joan’s sniffles filling up the room, her warmth seeping under your skin, and in an instant her hands released your dress, disappointment crossing your eyes, only to be delighted and surprised as she place her palms over the back of your hands, her heat wrapping around you like a blanket, shielding you from the cold that was breaking through the windows. At that moment in time, there was nothing but Joan and the blossoming lily in her hair, no past, no future, just her. Joan, wrap me up in all your, I want you in my arms.

Her hands were in yours, and with a gentleness she could not get used to you lifted her from her seat, pulling her body away from the table and into an empty spot where the carpet covered the wooden floors. Coming to stand next to the windows she let you do whatever you wanted, take her to the ends of the world if you so desired, because under the silvery beams that swayed in the night, she knew she would give you everything you asked from her as long as you never stopped looking at her as if she was the most precious thing in the world. Your hands guided hers to your shoulders, her fingers feeling the cotton of your dress around your neck, strands of your soft hair teasing her knuckles as your arms snaked around her waist, the gap between you vanishing as each of your bubbles became one, you in her personal space and Joan in yours, no fear or reservations clouding her mind. Oh, let me hold you. I'll never let you go again like I did. Never would you leave her, never would she have to face the world on her own, never would you let her go as long as your body drew breath, and your soul belonged to her. Slowly your feet began to sway from side to side, Joan’s frame molded to yours and following suit, her gaze never straying from your enchanting eyes.

Dancing lazily with her made your little heart leap with joy, a petal suddenly falling all the way from the tall ceiling, oscillating gently as its pristine white colour shone under the moonlight, blending into the same shade of pink Joan’s lily wore as it touched the ground. Then another fell as you pulled her closer, her chest against yours, her fingers twirling your hair in between them as the palms of your hands held onto her waist, a soft touch of sandalwood reaching your nostrils as her hair brushed against your check, her head coming to rest on your right shoulder. Her chin dug gently onto your flesh over the cotton of your white dress, her eyes watching in amazement at the way the room filled with the floral aroma of roses, petal after petal filling the room, a most perfect sight to match a most perfect you. A couple of flower leaves soon turned into a gentle shower of them, dozens swaying in the chilly breeze as the two of you danced, the top of her head resting against your cheek, the moonbeams never faltering in its glow, the flickering flames never ceasing to shower the room with their warmth as a sea of petals laid at your feet. In your arms Joan came to one last conclusion: God had never forsaken her, he had seen her lost in the dark and had sent you to her, to guide her and love her the way she had never been before, to return her to the right path with you by her side, her son’s forgiveness her banner and your love her shield. From now and for all eternity.  I would never fall in love again until I found her. I said, "I would never fall unless it's you I fall into".

[pattisl0ver]

Joan Ramsey x !fem reader~

Enchanted- pt.4

A/N

Um- so this chapter might be shit, who knows, I’ve only proofread it once, far too tired to do anything further. But nevertheless, I’m needy and lonely and this reflects that. You’re welcome.

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You hadn’t seen Joan for a while, she’d been avoiding you. Skipping church even, well, going to a church across town so she wouldn’t have to face you, not after her seeing you… well- nude. Joan’s knees were raw and bruised from all the repenting she had been doing, it never stopping, much like her increasingly filthy thoughts of you. But after a few weeks you’d had enough. You approached her front door, glancing back over at the Academy before knocking on the wood. She was prompt to answer the door, her pupils dilating when she realised it was you.

“Y/N.. how- what… uh-“ Joan never stumbled upon her words. She was a well spoken woman, educated. You truly were in her head, making her question all she had ever known. Especially after seeing you the other night.

“I just- wanted to ask you Joan, well.. we’re friends right?” You met her eyes, those beautiful Bambi eyes that made you melt. Nervousness overtook you. You remembered how it felt having her eyes on your bare body, the way her stare burnt into you. You swallowed as you waited for her response. She simply nodded softly in response. You smiled. “Right, so- I was wondering- I need a plus one to bring to my Cousin’s wedding, and I wanted to bring you if- you’d be willing?”

She thought about it, and pursed her lips, your eyes darted to the wrinkles of her mouth, and for a moment you thought about how her lips might taste, how that burgundy lipstick she always wore would stain your skin. “When is it?” Her voice was smooth, hiding her built up tension.

“Saturday. It’s late notice I know, but I really don’t want to go alone, I hardly even know my cousin, and I hate being alone around family. I doubt I’ll even know anyone there, I just-” Your gaze dropped to the ground in nerves. “I would really like your company.”

A soft smile crept upon Joan’s face, god she looked precious when she smiled. “Alright, I’ll come. I do enjoy a nice wedding.” Her voice held a touch of almost excitement, yet it was you who couldn’t withhold your happiness. A soft squeal escaped you. “Thank you Joan!” She let out a soft chuckle at your obvious enthusiasm. Waving a dismissive hand as she leaned against the doorframe.

Saturday couldn’t have come soon enough, you had agreed to drive with Joan to the wedding venue together, meeting at her home. You walked up the steps of her front porch, the soft fabrics of your dress flowing in the gentle breeze. A soft pink gown draped over your figure, encapsulating your beauty. Your hair was up, yet small strands cascaded down to frame your face. It wasn’t long before Joan was greeting you. Her eyes dropped to your dress then back to your face, studying your now made-up features. Her eyes sparkled almost, and that sent a pink hue over your already blush ridden cheeks.

“You look lovely..” she spoke softly, barely above a whisper. You smiled giddily, mumbling out a “thank you” before rushing to compliment her outfit. She had on a soft blue gown, fitted only at the waist, hair up in its usual sensible manner. Yet she had a warmer lipstick on today, a soft red. It suited her.

The drive was silent, besides the soft hum of hymns on her radio. When you told her to turn off the highway to a small farm she frowned, but followed instruction. “So where is the church?” She asked as the car pulled to a halt.

“Oh the ceremony isn’t in a church, it’s a- uh- same sex marriage.” Her eyes widened at this, was she mad? Your lips parted in slight worry.

“Oh.” That’s all that escaped her. What did it mean? As if you knew. She did not speak another word until after the ceremony, turning to you as the grooms made their way down the aisle after being wed. You clapped but didn’t seem all that pleased. “Aren’t you happy? Isn’t this your cousin?”

You hummed softly and shrugged. “Yeah, I’m happy for him, I just don’t really know him that well.” She frowned at this.

“Wait- then why are you even here? It’s not exactly a massive wedding party, so- I’m presuming distant relatives aren’t here��”

You sighed and then stood with her, walking with the others towards the building beside the ceremony for the reception.

“I really only think he invited me because he knows I’m the only other queer person in our family. That’s why the party is so small, our family isn’t exactly the most supportive of queerness.” She tensed up. You knew that homosexuality was something she didn’t like to discuss, yet she didn’t seem angry.

“I see. So- you’re…” She trailed off.

“A lesbian, yes.” You nodded softly and she swallowed hard. God. This changed everything. She had not only been having sapphic, sinful thoughts about another woman, but a sapphic woman nonetheless. A woman who could reciprocate her feelings. She should leave. Joan’s mind was screaming at her to leave, to repent and beg the lord for forgiveness, yet her body was frozen in place, standing beside you in the courtyard of the reception building. Joan must’ve been lost in thought longer than she thought because you were soon ushering her inside, where soft music was played by a quartet in the corner. The few guests in attendance scattered around, from the dance floor to the bar to the tables in the back. You stood beside Joan, unsure of what to do, of where to go. She sensed your uncertainty and uncomforted state, so she placed a hand on the small of your back making you gasp softly.

“Let’s go take a seat hm?” Joan said softly, a small smile stapled on her face, pleased by your reaction to her. You nodded, walking with her, the palm of her hand practically burning through the fabric of your dress.

You sat in Joan’s company, awkwardly sipping on a glass of champagne as an hour or so passed. As if it were a saint from above, one of your favourites began to be played by the quartet. “Enchanted, Taylor Swift.” Joan had scowled you for liking such music, yet found herself unknowingly smiling at your excited expression at the sound of the song. You turned to her and your brows knitted together pleadingly, sensing your upcoming question she shook her head.

“No. No way. I will not dance to such music.”

You chuckled and reach across the table for her hand, at this, she went silent, cheeks flushed, accepting your guidance towards the dance floor. As you placed your free hand on her waist, her breath hitched audibly, you smiled and caressed the back of her hand with your thumb.

“Relax, it’s just a dance.” She swallowed and nodded, hesitantly placing a hand on your upper back, her grip on your hand tightening slightly, as you begin to sway to the music. Your eyes meet hers, and it’s as if silent words of affirmation were whispered between you. Your touch on her waist was hot, scolding. She felt as if the devil himself was tempting her with the idea of you, and burning your touch into her skin as punishment. Her lip trembled in uncertainty. You pulled her closer, your body against hers. She took a sharp breath before exhaling shakily and settling into your embrace. The burn of your body against hers, the sting of her sins, her sin, you. You smile softly and caress her waist softly as you move slowly to the music. She slowly lowers her head to rest on your shoulder and you hum in response. In this moment, despite the murmur of chatter in the background from various wedding guests, it felt as if it were only the two of you, hardly two different beings, but rather, moulding to be one. Embrace tight, as if it were a secret promise. Only then do you softly hum and whisper along with the music.

“I was enchanted to meet you.” She chuckled softly in disbelief of your corniness, despite the fact that she knew she loved it. You smile warmly at her, feeling as if you could do anything. Your hand on her waist shifted up to cup her cheek softly. Her face dropped in fear, but you caressed her skin softly, wanting to reassure her.

“It’s not wrong.” You whisper. She swallows again and nods, leaning in slightly. You glance down at her lips and her breath hitches knowingly. She knows what’s coming, and despite her faith tugging her back, her body leans into you, until your lips gently brush against each other. The kiss is soft, unsure, slow, and is over much too soon. As the music fades out, Joan pulls back, meeting your eyes. Her hand moves to cover her lips in disbelief, had she truly just sinned in such a way? Kissing a woman? Well that was as good as promising her soul to Satan himself. Your eyes twinkle with something deeper, you can see her internal battle and so you simply pull her in to an embrace. “It’s okay. If you don’t want anything more than friendship then that is all I will be to you. I just want you Joan.” Her eyes stung with unshed tears, her throat tightening uncomfortably, but she refused to cry, yet she couldn’t speak in this moment either, so she simply gripped your dress tighter. And in that moment, that was enough.

[bluemoonsunrise]

Demons and Savages

pairing: tsu’tey and human!avatar driver (fem presenting)

content warnings: graphic language, alien vs human differences, unconventional grief, the RDA sucks, fuck u miles quaritch, tension you could cut with a knife, nsfw themes: grinding, biting, scent marking???. enemies to lovers. (also, i don’t like to capitalize sentences on tumbler :3)

word count: o_0 long… <3 ur welcome

pov: 2nd person so you can add yourself in. for writing/plot purposes, your character is named eris ramsey. i’ll use the name sparingly but i can’t take myself seriously writing y/n— so please just work with me here. i promise it’ll be worth it. (i hope)

< previous chapter

———🌌———

SUMMARY: earth was dying and your sister was, too, but cancer killed her faster than humans were killing earth. when she passed, she not only left behind an empty apartment full of memories but a billion dollar avatar without a driver. in a desperate attempt to not waste that money, the program she had spent the last five years preparing to join recruited you— her twin. of course, you agreed. there was nothing left on earth for you. there was nothing left on earth for anyone— that’s why people like your sister were sent off to pandora.

when your sister had spoken of pandora, it seemed like a dream.

the RDA promised it would be like a safari adventure.

truth was that pandora is beautiful. beautiful and unlike anything else across the whole of the universe. it is breathtaking— and that’s because what chases you through the forest hunts with the intent to kill; so you best run like hell even if your lungs are on fire. beasts and monsters of all kinds lurk out of sight waiting for the right moment to kill you dead— but none are as dangerous as him.

the blue shadow with the bow.

chapter five

— i know you —

the chopper was louder than you remembered. it made it hard to sleep even with the protective headphone over your ears. leaving before the sun was up, you were utterly exhausted. if your head was pounding bad enough to make you scowl with your eyes closed, you couldn’t imagine the headache jake had from his link being broken. with your head rested on his shoulder, the two of you tired your best to sleep.

you wished you hadn’t.

she came to you in your dreams.

“hey,” grace’s voice was gravelly over the headset. you felt her nudge your leg. “twin one and twin two, wake up before you miss it.”

you let out a soft whine as you stretched. beside you, jake yawned. he turned his head away from the glaring morning sun and tucked it down into your shoulder despite the mask. the cool breeze of oxygen was vital— but you really wished you could’ve taken it off to rub the sleep from your eyes. blinking hard, you tried to focus.

“oh, holy shit…”

emerging from the clouds, the hallelujah mountains came into view. the massive, floating rocks were covered in green. waterfalls fell into sprays of cool mist that wafted into the helicopter that helped wake up jake. he, too, stared dumbfounded outside.

“ain’t it something?” grace asked.

you turned your head to look at her and all you could do was nod. your eyes welled with tears you didn’t let fall. it was gorgeous. too gorgeous. earth — even as pretty as it was in its prime — could’ve never ever compared to the majesty and the glory that was pandora.

“aaaand that’s another job well done, folks. thanks for traveling air pandora. tips are appreciated.” trudy said in a perfect public service voice as she began to shut down the chopper.

“best damn pilot this side of the universe.” jake said.

trudy smirked. “you know it, baby.”

blue base: hidden was where you would be spending the next handful of months with grace, norm, trudy, and jake. setting up the field lab was no easy task. there was much to do. air filters had to be cleaned. link-pods and tech needed to be recalibrated to deal with the flux vortex. a new radio channel had to be set up in all the walkie-talkies. food needed to be stored away. bunks needed to be prepared.

you had so much to do— too much to do.

and yet you couldn’t stop thinking about tsu’tey.

“hey, where are you going?” grace asked as you rose from the table. you had all eaten dinner as a group once all the work had finally gotten done.

“i have to link.” you said as you tossed away your trash and took a last sip of water.

“it’s late. you should wait until tomorrow.” grace said with a small shake of her head.

“i can’t. i’m sorry.” you frowned at her and whispered, “it’s important. he needs to know.”

while the other three at the table exchanged confused glances, grace only sighed. she got up without another protest and fired up the link-pod. you climbed inside and laid back.

fuck was it going to be hard not to fall asleep.

as soon as your head hit the spongy blue foam, you could’ve fallen asleep right then and there. as soon as the hatch shut and your eyes closed, your vision tunneled into white.

the warm night air and smell of pandoran dinner were a comfort you didn’t know you needed. you laid by yourself for a moment. you were tired. incredibly so. it had been nearly two days since you’d been in your avatar at this point. traveling to the hallelujah mountains and setting up blue base: hidden had taken more time than you thought it would.

the center of home tree was alive with music and dancing. a massive bonfire in the middle of the gathering burned like a second sun. shadows danced across the walls as voices echoed in song. you couldn’t help but smile. you couldn’t help, either, as you scanned face to face looking for him.

“dream-walker, you’re awake.” the tsahik said.

your turned. sitting with her daughter, mo’at ran her fingers over a beaded chord. neytiri did not look at you as you crouched down to be level. instead, she focused on her own beaded chord.

“what’s all this?” you asked with a glance around at the festivities.

“a celebration of life.”

neytiri’s voice was like snow. cold and beautiful. it almost hurt your ears how pretty it was— and you realized it was the first time you’d ever heard her speak.

she met your eyes and said, “there has been a death since you were last here. we mourned and now we celebrate.”

your heart sank.

for a split moment— a moment you never wanted to live again, you thought it was him.

where was tsu’tey?

“an elder passed in her sleep.” the tsahik said. she watched your expression. she seemed to know exactly what you feared. “she lived a long, full life. now she will live forever in eywa.”

“i’m sorry for your loss…” you whispered, saying the only thing you could offer.

“there is no loss,” neytiri said without looking at you. instead, she was focused on something behind you. “you cannot lose what was not really yours.”

“eris.”

you looked up at the sound of your name rolling off his tongue. you shot up, your pupils blown wide. tsu’tey took ahold of your arm and squeezed you. his ears perked and the look in his eyes was one that you’d never thought you’d see.

relief.

“come.” tsu’tey said.

without another word, he whisked you away. he was always doing that. grabbing and pulling you. you wondered as you hurried to keep up with him, when that had become your favorite part of your day.

to your surprise, you left home tree.

where better to talk privately than where no one was at this hour?

“you were gone a long time.” tsu’tey said as he walked beside you through the sunset painted forest. soon, it would be dark and the forest would glow all on its own.

“i know…i’m sorry.” you said softly. you glanced up at him and heat rushed to your face. he was looking at you. “things— uh…things got real crazy real fast. i’m happy to report that jake is not a spy for the RDA.”

“you are sure of this?” tsu’tey asked, his brows drawing together.

“yes.” you said. you cracked a small smile and laughed. “grace is intent on making sure those who would wish to plant spies here never get the chance. she pulled my whole team out of the RDA facility. we are— well…maybe i shouldn’t tell you where we are.”

tsu’tey’s eyes widened and he asked, “are you not at your colony?”

“no. not anymore. we’ve gone wild. we are far from hell’s gate. far from here, too. at least, i think? i’m not really sure where those floating mountains are.”

you slapped your hand over your mouth.

tsu’tey smiled down at you and chuckled. “what? afraid i’ll come and kill you?”

“maybe…” you whispered, letting your hands drop.

“you have proven yourself to be useful, eris, so there is little to gain by killing you.” tsu’tey said. his arm brushed against yours and he met your eyes. “better yet, you’ve proven yourself to be trustworthy.”

your throat tightened and your chest caved but your forced yourself to smile.

silence settled over the two of you as you walked and you were thankful for it. your voice would’ve cracked and you would’ve cried if you had to say anything more. walking with him now, you realized how scared you had been the last 37 hours.

with him, you felt safe.

and it made you cry.

you stopped dead in your tracks and covered your face with your hands. big, wet tears rolled down your cheeks. the stress of the move and the exhaustion due to it made for an awful, potent mix of a complete and utter overwhelm.

“eris?” tsu’tey whispered your name too gently.

“i’m just tired,” you said. you wiped your eyes hard and tried to calm your breath. you looked up at him and shook your head. “i’m fine.”

“let us go back. we will get you back to your body so that you can sleep.” tsu’tey said.

“no.” you shook your head as tears dripped from your eyes. “i don’t want to go back yet. please. i want to stay here. i want to stay with y—”

you caught yourself.

not we’ll enough.

tsu’tey ears perked and his pupils rounded. carefully, he flicked his head. without a word, you followed behind him. you had no idea where you were going. you didn’t care. when you came upon a massive tangle of gigantic tree roots, the forest was beginning to glow in the shadows.

“this way,” tsu’tey said as he crouched down.

you raised your hand up to protect your face as you followed him into the dark. a tunnel. the smell of pandoran soil was strong. lights began to twinkle the deeper into the dark tunnel you walked until blue and purple were the only colors you could see.

underground was a small burrow-like cave. the grass shined as you walked. the tree roots were speckled with colorful dots. the gems in the walls of the burrow twinkled and reflected the light. in the center, an unlit firepit. woven mats lined the floor. baskets were placed against the walls.

“what is this place?” you asked softly.

“it is where hunters come to rest if they tire greatly before reaching home tree. there are many places like this in the forest.” tsu’tey said.

you watched as he lit a fire. slowly, you sat down on one of the mats. it took skill to make a fire that fast. you wondered if you’d master something like that one day. would he teach you?

“where is jake’s avatar?” you asked. the thought came to your mind like fire catching onto dry grass. you watched the flames swirl as he added kindle.

“the tsahik’s hut.” tsu’tey said without looking at you.

you looked at him though.

you watched the way his muscles rippled as he moved. you watched the way he shifted his weight as he reached around. when he finally sat down beside you, you stared at his face. his frustratingly handsome face.

was it wrong that you found him handsome?

he was a ten-foot-tall blue alien and all you wanted to do was let your head drop into his lap and fall asleep.

“why do you look at me like that?” tsu’tey asked. his voice was low. low and curious. he turned his head and met your eyes.

you pursed your lips. “like what?”

“like…” tsu’tey hesitated. perhaps he didn’t have the words in english. he cracked an awkward smile. “like you want to…eat me.”

your eyes widened and you couldn’t help but laugh. as heat filled your face, you looked away. “i don’t look at you like that…”

“not— not like you want to chew me and swallow.” tsu’tey was quick to say, worried he confused you. he tried to catch a glimpse of your face as he sat forward. “but like you want to…i don’t know. forget it. i can’t express it well.”

“it’s because i think you’re hot.”

when he didn’t say anything, you forced yourself to look at him. his ears were perked. he was waiting for you to explain. to say more. you found it hard to.

“hot…” tsu’tey repeated. “like i burn you?”

“kinda.” you said with a small laugh. you played with one of the braids in your hair as you stared at the fire. “it just means i…i think you’re attractive. you’re good looking. i think you’re hot.”

���is that why you try to put your mouth on mine?” tsu’tey asked.

you wanted to curl into a ball and die.

“yeah…” you said softly, nodding your head. you exhaled the air in your lungs awkwardly.

“i feel like that about you.”

you nearly broke your neck looking up at him so fast. your eyes widened and your lips parted in a soft expression of shock. you don’t know why it surprised you so much. he had literally tried to fuck you in the hot springs.

still, it was different hearing it so outright.

“you…think i’m hot?” you asked under your breath.

tsu’tey nodded once. “yes.”

“and you want to…kiss me?”

“all the time.”

you could’ve fainted.

your heart was racing and so much blood was rushing to your face that you felt light headed— but you had to keep your wits about you.

you laid back on your elbows and nodded, trying to seem as nonchalant as you could. “epic.”

“epic?” tsu’tey asked as he, too, laid back on his elbows. he looked at you. “what is epic?”

“forget it.” you said with a small shake of your head.

so embarrassing…

silence fell over the both of you. the burrow was full only with the sounds of crackling sticks. soft, even breaths. a small hum of some tune he whispered under his breath. you looked up at him but he kept his eyes on the fire.

it became warm in the safe haven below the ground. perfectly warm. it made your eyes heavy. his humming did, too. slowly, you slipped down to lay on your side. when you did, he did the same. on the mat beside you, he rested his head on his palm and watched you as he hummed.

“i don’t want to fall asleep…” you murmured, rubbing your eyes. you smiled faintly. “you’re making me sleepy.”

“what is it you want then?” tsu’tey asked in a low voice.

you shook your head.

he sighed the smallest bit. “just say it and i will do it.”

you hesitated for a moment.

tsu’tey tensed as you wiggled closer and curled up against his chest. he looked down at you. with your eyes closed, you tried to play it cool— but your heart was pounding in your chest.

the tension in you died away as he brushed his fingers down your arm. you relaxed as he laid down with you. his arm slid underneath your head. a perfect pillow. his legs tangled with yours. his lips rested against the top of your head.

he placed the faintest kiss on your hairline.

you were no longer tired.

all you could hear was the pound of your heart. it was like thunder. you breathed as deeply and as evenly as you could to keep yourself from squirming. you hoped he couldn’t feel the way your heart raced.

he could.

“mawey,” tsu’tey murmured, reaching between you to place his hand on your chest.

it only made you less calm.

slowly, you lifted your head to be eye-to-eye with him. with his hand still on your chest, he could feel the beat your heart had skipped. his pupils widened as you stared into his eyes. his tail was swaying, audibly swishing against the mat.

“what?” you asked softly.

“you smell good,” tsu’tey whispered, a small smile curling on his lip.

you bit the inside of your cheek. you knew what he was getting at. pheromones. you inhaled through your nose. the smell of the fire was all that you could really pick out. that and a sweet, faint aroma you figured was the grass.

you shook your head. “i only smell the fire.”

tsu’tey let out a low sigh but smiled anyways. “you are frustrating…do you know that?”

“i don’t mean to be.” you said softly.

“i know,” he dragged his fingers up your arm and pressed his palm against your face. “which is even more frustrating...”

tsu’tey kissed you.

and it took everything in you not to moan.

worse, it was harder not to devour him completely.

he kissed you slowly and softly, as if he were testing out the waters. maybe he expected you to feel different on his lips than real na’vi women did. or perhaps kissing was entirely different on pandora than it was on earth.

you let him lead.

you liked it best when he told you what to do.

your fingers laced through his braids as you kissed him back. his lips were like velvet. his mouth was hot. you wanted to taste him but you didn’t know if you could. you were too afraid to ruin this by doing something too human.

but you couldn’t help it.

you parted your lips in the hopes that he would give you more.

his tongue was wet and coarse as it dipped into your mouth. you sighed against his lips and wrapped your arms around his neck. guiding you to the ground, he leaned the top half of himself over you as your tongues slow danced together.

he tasted so fucking good.

he smelled so fucking good.

his pheromones hit you like an anvil to the head like in those old cartoons. salvia filled your mouth and a tingle began to vibrate in your belly. between your legs, your pussy began to weep. your tail curled itself tight around your leg. you felt breathless. you felt hot all over.

you felt so bad for not realizing what you did to him without even knowing it.

tsu’tey pulled his lips away from yours but he did not remove them from you. he glided them along your jaw. he nipped at your throat as you tilted your head back. you were squirming below him, panting and huffing as he kissed the sweetest spots you had. soon enough, you were grinding against each other.

a sharp yelp escaped you as he bit into the crook of your neck. fangs threatened to puncture through your skin— but they didn’t. he didn’t. he just wanted to bite. and bite you he did. over and over again, across your throat and shoulders, tsu’tey bit you hard enough to draw gasps from your lips but not enough to bruise.

your eyes shot open as he rolled you onto your side. the fire warmed your face but that was nothing compared to the flush that burned in your cheeks as he pressed himself against your backside. he pushed his hips forward into your ass. you could feel his erection. it throbbed against you from below his loincloth

“i will not mate with you face to face,” tsu’tey murmured against your ear. he dragged his lips along the pointed cartilage. “but we may do it like this and i will hold you just as close.”

“why can’t we face each other?” you asked softly, squirming back to be closer to him.

you tried to look over your shoulder and meet his eyes but he tucked his face down into the nape of your neck and bit down. you winced softly and closed your eyes, grinding back against him subconsciously.

“because if we look at each other, we grow attached.” tsu’tey said, his breath hot against your neck. it made you shiver. “na’vi can only mate for life by forming tsaheylu but there is still a deep connection that comes with staring into the eyes of someone you mount.”

“i may not be a virgin, eris, but i have never faced anyone while i coupled with them.” tsu’tey said as he reached down between you both and pushed your leg up to your belly. he was making room for himself. “that honor shall belong only to my mate.”

your heart sank at once. “to neytiri…”

“to whomever i chose.” tsu’tey said gruffly.

he didn’t have much of a choice.

you both knew that.

“this is wrong.” you said softly. you turned onto your tummy and looked at him. well, you tried your best to. it was hard to look him in the eye.

“what is?” tsu’tey asked with a small shake of his head.

“if you’re…if you’re supposed to mate with neytiri for life, what are we doing? it doesn’t feel right. it feels like you’re cheating on her.” you said through the tightness in your throat.

tsu’tey frowned and leaned into you. he pressed a soft kiss to your cheek. “na’vi cannot cheat. until na’vi form tsaheylu, they are not bonded to anyone or anything besides their ikran. once na’vi mate, there cannot be another.”

“we are doing nothing wrong.” tsu’tey murmured against your ear. he nipped at it softly. “but if you do not wish to, i will not make you.”

“i do wish to but it doesn’t seem right. i’m not…i don’t even know what i’m doing here. i’m not like you. not up here.” you pointed to your head. “and not here either.” you placed your hand on your chest.

tsu’tey pushed himself up onto his knees as you sat up. you were almost entirely turned away from him. slowly, he came up behind you. he ran his hands down your arms and peeked his head over your shoulder. you tried your best to ignore him.

“no matter what you are, eywa has chosen you for something.” tsu’tey whispered into your ear. he wrapped his arm around you and placed his palm against your thumping heart. “no matter what you are, this heart is strong.”

“no matter what you are, i see you.”

you turned your head and met his striking yellow gaze. your lips were ajar in soft shock. your ears pinned and perked. your tail curled itself into knots as butterflies ate at your insides.

he saw you.

he could see you.

at least, he thought he could.

he had no idea who the real you was.

you frowned at him as you studied the details of his face. “i wish that were true.”

his brows drew together and he tilted his head.

“you don’t even know me.” you said under your breath. you looked away and closed your eyes tight. “you said it yourself, my kind are a disease on this land. we don’t belong here. i…i shouldn’t be doing this with you.”

“i speak in anger. it is my curse. for that i am sorry.” tsu’tey said in a low, gentle voice. he slid his hands around your hips and down your thighs, keeping you close. “i will stop being cruel.”

“it’s not like i make it very easy for you to be nice sometimes,” you whispered as you watched his fingers trace the stripes on your thighs.

“we both need to improve.” tsu’tey said as he brushed his nose along your ear. “it is something we shall work on.”

he was being too affectionate. it was wearing your resolve thin— but was he being affection because he liked you or just to get laid?

your chest started to hurt all over again.

“we can’t,” you whispered.

tsu’tey sighed and hugged you closer. “we can.”

“no we can’t.” you turned. facing him was harder. you wished you stayed looking the other way. “there is no we. you are promised to another and in human culture, i’d be considered a homewrecker.”

“eris,” he breathed your name as if it pained him. “i don’t want neytiri. and nor does she want me.”

“i thought you said it was duty.” you said with a small shake of your head.

he scowled at you and squished your cheeks between his fingers. “you never stop talking…”

“wllwhatdyowan.” you tried to say through your squished lips. tsu’tey rolled his eyes and removed his hand from your face. rubbing your cheek, you asked again.

“what do you want?”

“what i want is for you to turn over and let me inside you, woman. i want that very much. to hold and bite and kiss you.” tsu’tey said almost impatiently.

you annoyed him so greatly.

and yet he wanted you anyways.

“will you at least let me earn it first?” you asked. your voice was hardly loud enough. your face was hot and your tail was swaying wildly behind you.

he tipped his head. “what?”

you sighed and looked down into your lap. you picked at the skin around your nails and rolled your eyes as embarrassment weighed on your chest. so stupid. this was so stupid. you were so, so stupid…

“i want that, too, but i can’t even shoot an arrow. i feel…unworthy.” you cringed as you said the word. you should’ve just shut up and let him fuck you.

“eris,” he tried to interject but you wouldn’t let him.

“once i learn how to be more like you and less like…like me…then…okay.” you looked up at him and bit your lip. you couldn’t read his expression. “we can…we can do whatever this is.” you gestured between you both to whatever tension was tangled around you.

tsu’tey only stared at you. you felt like a slide under a microscope. he took in every detail of you. every facet. every stripe and dot. every fine hair on your almost na’vi face.

he only nodded once. “it is decided then.”

— 🌌 —

strength was something you never thought you could have.

on earth, the pollution had made you feel sick. it kept you indoors. it made your mind hazy. on pandora, there was no mist in your mind. there was no laying around— not on the path the you had chosen to walk.

you wanted to be a warrior.

you would become one.

rain or shine, you were out in the forest with tsu’tey learning how to be strong. strong in your body, in your head, and in your heart. every day you would run. along the forest floor, over the towering tree roots, in the muddy riverbed. you ran and ran and ran and built up your stamina. every day you would climb. you climbed trees, rocks, and vines. you learned how to pull yourself, push yourself, and most importantly— catch yourself.

archery was the hardest for you.

the first time you shot an arrow, it ricocheted off a rock and nearly flew back at you. tsu’tey hadn’t even known that level of bad luck was possible. you hadn’t done much wrong, either. it was not your posture. it was not your technique.

it was simply poor luck.

“here…” he said under his breath, eyes still wide. he came up behind you and adjusted your elbow. the adjustment would change nothing. it was too small— but he didn’t want you to feel terrible. “try like that instead.”

“sure…” you muttered, keeping your elbow straight.

archery was far harder than riding a direhorse. while you sustained more injuries riding mitsia, at least there was pay off. there was visible progress. the art archery took you hours to get comfortable with.

and then it took you days to master.

“can you see?” tsu’tey asked as he grabbed your face. he looked into your eyes. “you can see, yes?”

“yeah, i can fuckin’ see.” you huffed as you turned your face away. you ignored him as you tried again. it was pouring. the rain was cold and the wind was harsh. “it’s the wind. the wind is fucking me up.”

“it was not windy yesterday when you did not hit anything.” tsu’tey said.

you hissed at him and he was quick to look away.

days were spent in the archery clearing. while jake was learning how to ride a direhorse with neytiri — who got stuck with training a demon of her own under orders from her father — you were stuck every day in that clearing with tsu’tey. he resorted to drawing in the dirt to pass the time as you missed target after target.

there was only so much bad luck someone could have, right? surely, you were just getting it all out now. one big awful week of it.

tsu’tey paced behind you as you drew your arm back. all day you had spent out in the glaring sun. not one time did you hit the target. instead, you hit everything around it.

seriously, you had to have been mentally deficient.

“breathe.” tsu’tey said.

you took a breath and held it. you focused. you closed one eye and honed in one the wooden board with a big yellow dot on it. you exhaled slowly. in the stillness between breaths, you shot the arrow.

patuk!

dead in the center of the yellow dot, your arrow pierced the board. the yellow and green calling card waved as the arrow rattled.

“ah!” you gasped, your eyes wide. “oh, my god!”

“yes!” tsu’tey exclaimed.

you turned to him and threw your arms up. you nearly screeched with joy as he hooked his arms around your waist and lifted you up. you hugged him tight as he yipped with excitement. he placed you back on the ground and cupped your face.

“you did it!” he said with a wide smile.

“i did it!” you giggled.

“do it again.” he encouraged, nudging your waist.

your smile dropped. “uh…”

“come on,” tsu’tey turned you around and urged you to raise the bow. “you can do it. breathe and shoot.”

you pulled an arrow out from behind your back and loaded the bow. you breathed deep and focused on the target. you let the arrow fly free and it narrowly missed.

you frowned.

“no, no. don’t get discouraged. again. come on.” tsu’tey said, giving your back a soft pat. “you can do it.”

you ignored how hot your face felt. you cleared your throat and shook out the nervous tension in your body. once more, you loaded an arrow into your bow. you kept your core tight. you kept your arm straight. you took a breath— and you let it fly.

patuk!

the arrow landed just a little ways above the first.

you turned your head to meet his eyes and you couldn’t help but smile. he smiled, too, and ran a gentle hand over your hair.

“well done, tsamsiyu.” tsu’tey said.

you dipped your head.

since that day in the hunters burrow, tsu’tey had made an effort to be kinder. in the same regard, so had you. while you still bickered and he still called you a moron every chance he got, there was less turmoil between the two of you.

replacing it was tension.

heavy, painful tension that made every moment harder than it should’ve been. no time was harder than when you would sit across from him and try you best to learn his language. you weren’t hopeless— but you weren’t fluent.

you watched as he gestured to the space around you. you scrunched your nose and clenched as if you were pushing the word forward in your mind.

“fuck, i know this.” you muttered.

“yes. you do. i’ve told you it fifty times.” tsu’tey said, continuing the gesture. he looked above. he looked below. he looked around.

“fra’u!” you gasped, pointing a finger at him. “fra’u! everything!”

tsu’tey grinned and nodded. he was quick to move onto the next word. he pursed his lips and whistled.

“fwefwi,” you said with a small laugh. “whistle.”

tsu’tey whistled again and swayed his hand from side to side. your brows drew together and your shook your head at him. he repeated the action once more, whistling and he swayed his hand.

“wind?” you asked. when he rolled his eyes at you, you corrected yourself. “hufwe.”

“mn,” he nodded. “and if you were to say that it was a light wind?”

“hufwetsyìp.” you said.

“good.” he smiled. he beckoned your forward and you scooted closer to him. he dragged his finger across your lower lid. “what are these?”

“nari.” you answered. “eyes.”

he smacked you with his tail. “this?”

you smacked him with yours. “kxetse. tail.”

he brushed his thumb across your lips. “and these?”

your mind went blank. staring at him, all you could do was blink. slowly, your lips curled into a smile as his did, too. he seemed to enjoy your sudden speechlessness.

“i— i don’t remember.” you said with a soft, bashful laugh.

he titled his head and cocked an eyebrow. “you don’t remember?”

you giggled and shook your head. “no, i don’t.”

“c’mon,” tsu’tey purred. “you know. you must know.”

your ears perked. hearing human slang come out of him was still so awe-striking. while his antics and habits rubbed off on you, yours rubbed off on him, too. you spent so much time together. little things like that were a reminder of just how much time you spent together.

“i don’t remember. seriously, i don’t. i think i have to touch your lips to remember.” you said with a small, devious little smile.

“oh…” tsu’tey’s eyes widened and his pupils dilated. he leaned forward and tried to suppress his smirk. “go on then, skxawng.”

slowly, you traced the shape of his lips. your breath caught in your throat as you remembered how it felt to kiss him. meeting his eyes, you could almost see his thoughts.

he was thinking the same thing.

“lips.” you said. you shook your head. “i don’t remember.”

“meseyri,” tsu’tey said softly. his breath was warm against your fingers. “awstengyem meseyri. two lips.”

“meseyri.” you repeated, gliding your fingers across the soft pinkish-purple skin of his lips.

tsu’tey pressed a soft kiss to the tips of your fingers.

you dropped your hand and pushed yourself forward, not being able to bare it another second. denying the pull between you the last few weeks had been torture. he grabbed your throat eagerly and tugged you into a kiss. a husky huff escaped him as you slipped your tongue into his mouth. he tugged at your waist, hoarding you closer.

your lips only got to meet for a moment before you heard the thundering of hooves.

tsu’tey pulled back and looked over the side of the towering root you were sat on. with the sun beginning to set, warriors and hunters began to return home. among them, jake and neytiri.

“come,” tsu’tey said. he had begun speak small words and phrases in na’vi to help familiarize you with the language. “it is time to eat.”

reluctantly, you got up.

“hey!” jake waved as you entered the dining circle. he was sat by himself waiting for you. unlike tsu’tey who would sit with you at dinners, neytiri had never once sat with jake.

although, tsu’tey had stopped sitting with you now that jake was around.

he gave your arm a soft squeeze before parting ways with you. sitting down in front of jake, you smiled. there was always relief in seeing him. especially since he looked pretty beat up, too, after a day of trying to ride a direhorse. it made you feel better to know that even a marine got bucked off.

“rough day?” you asked with a teasing smile.

“nah. not too bad.” jake said as he picked up a skewer of roasted meat. he took a bite and was quick to chew. “your day?”

“lots of na’vi practice. my heads all jumbled with it.” you said as you picked up a fig-like fruit and took a bite of it. it tasted so sweet that it made your tail curl in delight. no fruit had ever been that sweet and delicious on earth.

when sat together, earth was something you and jake talked about often. comparing foods, flora, animals, and customs, you and jake could talk for hours about how different pandora was. how wonderful it was. how scary it was.

“you know; in the end, i think coming in blind to all this may have been a good thing.” jake said as he chewed on the skewer like a toothpick. “i think if i had known half the stuff i know about this place, i would’ve stayed home.”

“really?” you asked, your brows raising. “i figured this was just your kinda place, marine.”

“well, it is now that i’m here. especially now that im here in this place.” jake glanced around at the clan and smiled. “but if i had been told there were actual fucking monsters and plants that could shock you and spray poison…i definitely would’ve passed on it.”

“maybe i would’ve, too, honestly. i got to study up on the language and the forest. conveniently, the RDA left out the palulukan and the nantang from my guide.” you sighed just a bit and you looked around, your eyes falling on someone sitting just close enough for you to see every detail of. “i think it more so boils down for me to missing things on earth rather than not wanting to be here.”

“what do you miss most?” jake asked.

“tv.” you sighed. the corner of your lip pulled into a smile. “not so much the movies. grace has movies if we really wanted to watch them. i’m talking about television. shitty reality shows. documentaries of what earth used to be like when it was green. cooking shows. stuff like that.”

“i think i miss the sounds of the city the most. i miss the noise. here, it’s too quite. in hell’s gate, it’s too mechanical. up in the mountains, it’s all wind and nothing else.” jake said as he leaned back on his arms. he shrugged a bit. “i miss the sound of people. humans like us. cars beeping. distant laughter. high heels on concrete. tires on a rainy street. hell, even hearing people swear at each other.”

“i haven’t thought about things like that being here.” you said. you glanced around. the chatter of the clan was filling to the ears— but not in the way the bustle and hustle of earth was. in some way, you did miss it. especially the tires on a rainy street. that had soothed you to sleep your whole life.

“that’s a good one.” you said as you met jake’s eyes. you nodded. “i definitely miss things like that.”

“sometimes, i even miss the stink.” jake laughed lowly. he shook his head and tilted it back, smiling to himself. “it’s stupid but i brace myself for the smell of smog and gas every time i go outside here. i feel stupid, of course, but i almost miss the way the air would wreak.”

you laughed, too, and felt silly for understanding exactly what he meant. it was awful. it was disgusting. but it was home.

it had been home.

this was home now.

firelight and bioluminescence. blue skin and yellow eyes. fangs. monsters in the forest. floating mountains.

you’d always miss earth — some part of you would — but this was home.

jake was still new to the forests and the clan and home tree like you had once been. to him, it was foreign. to you, it was only more and more familiar as the days passed. you were beginning to make friends with the other hunters who had yet to pass iknimaya. saeyla was the kindest to you. she always said hi when she saw you. mo’at was always happy to see you. eytukan dipped his head and was polite enough.

and then there was tsu’tey.

sometimes, it felt like he was the only thing that made the world go round.

“did you eat enough?” tsu’tey asked as he walked you to your hammock.

“oh, yeah. i’m stuffed.” you said with a smile, patting your belly. you turned to say goodnight but the expression on his face stopped you. “what?”

“i overheard you and jake’suli,” tsu’tey said with a bit of reluctance. he wouldn’t meet your gaze. “you miss earth?”

your brows drew together and you felt hot with guilt.

oh, jesus…did he think you wanted to leave?

you could’ve up-chucked your whole dinner.

“sometimes i do but…but i don’t want to go back.” you said as quickly as you could but the words nearly alluded you.

“but you miss the sounds of your people.” tsu’tey looked into your eyes and his ears dropped. “and that is different from my people, yes? a city is not like this.”

“no…no a city isn’t like this. it’s loud. really loud. always loud.” you said with a small sigh. your shoulders dropped and you couldn’t help but look around. “it’s always glowing. not like the forest glows but bright lights. so many lights. in order to sleep, i would have to close my blinds and sometimes even cover my face with my hoodie.”

“i prefer this.” you said as you placed your hand on his chest. he met your eyes and seemed to soften under your gaze. “this is peace. earth so rarely knew peace. even though you hunt and craft by hand here, it was so much harder to survive on earth.”

“you are happy, yes?” tsu’tey asked.

the question surprised you.

is that what he was worried about? your happiness?

“yes,” you whispered. your ears dropped but your tail swayed back and forth. the question touched you. deeply and wholly. “yes, of course. of course, i’m happy. truly.”

“that is good. i was afraid that…that i made you feel like you did not belong.” tsu’tey said with shame lacing his voice.

you were speechless. all you could do was shake your head. he didn’t make you feel that way…

“you are different and that is true…but you do belong here.” tsu’tey placed his hand on your chest. “strong heart. and it belongs right here.”

you laid awake that night in your bunk.

staring at the stars through the glass in the ceiling, your chest felt warm and fuzzy. in the dark, you smiled to yourself. his words had touched you. sometimes, it was hard to understand where you stood with tsu’tey. one day he couldn’t stand you, the next he was all over you and drowning you in affection. he was strict and then he was easy going. he was mean and then he was kind.

sometimes, it gave you whiplash.

other times, it made you want to smack him and then kiss him before he could feel the pain.

tomorrow you may very well fall asleep wanting to smack him upside the head but tonight you wanted nothing more than a single kiss from him.

— 🌌 —

“eris,” norm said, shaking you awake. “eris, get up.”

“huh?” you picked your head up and tried to open your eyes. “what’s wrong?”

“eris, he’s outside.”

your heart dropped.

miles quaritch was outside.

you scrambled out of your bunk and hurried to throw on a decent pair of clothes. you slipped into jeans and pulled on an RDA issued shirt. you fixed your hair as best you could and stepped into your boots. as you hurried through the small tactical base, you nearly tripped over your own feet.

fuck.

were your video logs about archery training insufficient? of course, they were but you had no idea what you were doing. you had no idea how to gather the kind of intel that the head of security wanted.

you almost forgot to grab an oxygen mask before going into the airlock. thank god for trudy.

pushing open the heavy metal door, the morning breeze was cold so high up in the atmosphere. your breath was ragged and nearly fogged your mask. the helicopter outside was…trudy’s.

and grace was not standing with the colonel.

she was standing with him.

tsu’tey was unbelievably gigantic.

your heart could’ve stopped. your knees nearly gave out as his ikran screeched at you. he raised a gentle hand and stroked the creatures long face. yellow eyes flicked towards you— and his pupils blew wide.

“i’ll leave you two to talk.” grace said as she passed by you.

‘no!’ you wanted to beg, ‘don’t leave me alone with him!’

the door sealed shut and so had your fate.

slowly, you turned and his shadow swallowed you whole. with a yip, he sent his ikran away. the blue, white, and yellow patterned creature dove off the cliff and soared through the skies. tsu’tey tilted his head at you, his tail flicking behind him as you approached.

“what— what the hell are you doing here?” you asked, your voice tight in your throat. “how…how the hell did you…how did you find us?”

“there is only one rock amongst the many that float with these on it.” tsu’tey said, flicking his head towards the field lab behind you.

“you are small.” tsu’tey said as he crouched down. he smirked as you recoiled. “are you scared of me?”

“no,” you lied. you steeled your spine, trying to seem taller than you actually were. “you’re just…big.”

big was an understatement. he was over ten feet tall and you were lucky to be the height you were.

tsu’tey’s tail swayed through the grass. if it hit you, it probably would’ve bruised you. it may have been able to break a rib. he seemed mindful of that fact as you stared at it.

“what are you doing here?” you asked as you looked back up into his eyes. even when he was crouched you had to tilt your head back.

“i have come to learn about you.” tsu’tey said. he crawled forward to be closer and sat down in front of you. finally, you were somewhat level. “you spend all day and all night with me…it is only fair i come to you.”

“i…” you didn’t even know what to say. your head was spinning. it was hard to breathe even with oxygen being pumped right into your face. “there isn’t much to do here…you won’t fit inside the field lab easily. you wouldn’t be able to breathe well, either. it’s all oxygen in there. besides, it’s crowded.”

“can we not sit here?” tsu’tey asked with a small tilt of his head.

“we can…but it’s just— it’s cold.” you whispered, drawing your arms in close around you. you should’ve grabbed a sweater or a hoodie.

“come,” tsu’tey motioned for you to sit in his lap. “you will be warm here.”

“oh— oh, my god, no.” you said. you looked away as red filled your cheeks. “the whole crew is no doubt watching us through the window. i can’t just sit…there.”

tsu’tey looked passed you. sure enough, they were all watching. they were quick to scramble but they couldn’t go far. there was little privacy. jake would link soon. so would norm and grace— if grace decided not to study her samples and log her findings. and trudy would just…do whatever trudy did to pass the time.

“can i take you somewhere?” tsu’tey asked with an edge of caution to his voice.

“nope.” you refused. shaking your head and wiggling a finger at him, you said, “absolutely not. my fragile human ass stays put.”

tsu’tey huffed under his breath and pursed his lips. “always so difficult.”

“if you really wanted…we could use the west wing. it’s for bunking and it’s not going to be full at this hour now that everyone is up. i can see if grace can find a way for you to breathe.” you said with a small shrug.

tsu’tey seemed apprehensive to be stuck inside a small metal box but he flicked his head.

you were quick to hurry inside. within a few minutes, grace had made a reversed oxygen mask for tsu’tey. it was janky and if it didn’t work well he’d have to go back outside, but she had filled a larger oxygen canister with pandoran air and found a spare mouth-and-nose mask she connected to it.

tsu’tey clearly regretted his choices as he crawled through the front door. you were quick to guid him straight to the west wing. the ceiling was a bit taller there because of the bunks, so he didn’t have to keep his head hunched over so much.

“hey, watch the tail.” trudy said.

tsu’tey tucked his tail. he was quick to slide himself into the bunk room. you closed the door behind him and rested your forehead against it. you sighed. your heart was racing. slowly, you turned. when you did, you found him staring at the wall decorated with pictures of your life on earth. posters of your favorite animals. cities. pictures of you and your parents. pictures of your sister.

“i’m the one on the left,” you said as you pulled you mask off. carefully, you brushed your hair out of your face.

“i know.” tsu’tey said, gently touching the photo. he looked at you and his pupils dilated. “i know you, eris.”

you let out a soft breath. he reached down and lifted the mask to his face, inhaling slowly. unlike you, he could breathe oxygen for a while. not forever but longer than you could breathe his air.

“i did not think you would look so much like you.” tsu’tey said as you approached. while he sat on the floor, you sat on the bed. jake’s bunk.

you shrugged and shook your head. “ta-da?”

tsu’tey grinned at you even though he did not quite understand what it was that you meant. “ta-da, yes.”

“so…” you smacked your hands on your thighs and exhaled softly. “what do you wanna do?”

“i want to know what tivee is.” tsu’tey said. he looked around the room and tried to pin point what may have been tv. “i heard you tell jake’suli you missed it and i want to see why.”

you shook your head. “i don’t think i should.”

“why not?” tsu’tey asked, his invisible brows drawing together.

“because you may like it too much and start an industrial revolution like the RDA is trying to do.” you said with a soft laugh.

“i do not know what you just said but i want to see tv.” tsu’tey insisted.

you sighed. there was little point in saying no. getting up off of the bed, you walked around him. he turned, being mindful not to knock into anything. he watched as you crouched down to plug in the chord. you pressed the button on the bottom and the screen filled with static.

“it may not even work.” you said over your shoulder.

you flicked through the tapes grace had in box and pulled out the most fitting one. star wars: return of the sith. tsu’tey scooted closer as the movie began. you took a seat beside him and used the remote to turn up the volume. as the opening credits rolled, the music made his ears perk.

“what does it say?” tsu’tey asked, watching the yellow letters roll across the screen. he brought the mask to his mouth and took a deep breath.

you read the preface of the movie to him and did your best to explain what it all meant. you knew it was lost to him but he was fixated anyways— especially when humans appeared on the screen. he was transfixed.

“did you have that?” tsu’tey asked, pointing to the flying car on the screen.

you laughed and shook your head. “at the time this movie came out, flying cars didn’t exist. in my time, i didn’t have enough money.”

he looked down at you.

none of it made sense.

“no,” you said with a small smile. “i didn’t have a flying car.”

he nodded and turned his attention back to the screen. you sat in silence as you watched the movie. every now and again he lifted the mask to his mouth to take a breath. he would ask a question here and there. it amazed him— but he did not understand much of what was said. soon enough, he wasn’t quite seeing the point of a movie.

“why do you watch stuff like this?” he asked.

“for fun.” you said with a small shrug. “humans really value entertainment. star wars is one of the biggest movie series ever. very well loved.”

“do you like this movie?” he asked with a curious tilt of his head.

you gave him your honest answer.

once more, it fell silent between you. you watched the movie with a sense of nostalgia weighing heavy on your heart. this was the first time you’d actually sat and watched anything since you’d arrived on pandora. it was comforting yet so foreign at the same time.

“can i touch your hair?”

you looked up at him, your eyes wide and your cheeks red. you had not expected that question. all you could do was blink.

“sure…” you whispered.

so carefully you weren’t sure if he even touched you, tsu’tey ran his hand over the top of your head. his ears perked and his tail swished against the metal floor.

“soft…” he murmured, purely infatuated. “different than mine. so…thin. like very fine twine strings.”

“well, you are like twelve feet tall.” you said with a small laugh. he could’ve easily crushed you in the palm of his hand if he wanted to. “everything about you is bigger than me.”

“your chest is big.” tsu’tey said, looking down at your breasts.

you couldn’t help but laugh. nodding, you said, “yeah. i told you, human women have bigger chests than na’vi women.”

“can i touch?” he asked, extending a hand towards you.

you were quick to cover your breasts and gawked at him. “no! are you crazy?”

“why not?” tsu’tey asked. he moved closer to you and tilted his head. now more so than ever, he was entirely cat-like. it took looking at him through human eyes to see it. “is it because you are in this body and not your na’vi one?”

“yeah,” you breathed, looking away from him.

he pursed his lips the smallest bit. “can i kiss you?”

“jesus christ, are you in heat or something?” you asked.

“no, not now.” he said. he shrugged and flicked his head towards you. “i am just…curious. i want to kiss you as you and see if it is the same.”

“just a kiss?” you glanced at him.

“just one.” he nodded, sitting on his hands as if to promise you he wouldn’t do anything more than that.

slowly, you pushed yourself up. standing in front of him, you were level enough. your heart raced in your chest as he stared at you. he took in every movement you made. he tensed as you neared and that made you even more nervous.

“this is weird…” you said, pulling back the smallest bit.

“no,” he insisted. he reached out a hand that ghosted along the small curve of your back. “it’s not.”

you swallowed your embarrassment alongside your pride as you leaned forward and pressed a soft, lingering kiss onto his lips.

sparks shot through you from your head to your toes.

when you pulled back, his pupils were so large you could hardly see the yellow of his eyes. his tail smacked into the metal frame of the bunk bed and thumped wildly against the floor. as your cheeks reddened and reddened and reddened his ears perked up and up and up.

“why are you red?” he asked softly.

“i’m flustered…” you whispered.

tsu’tey smiled. “it was good.”

“it was good,” you said with a small, quick nod.

“again?” he asked, leaning forward. “to make sure.”

you couldn’t help but laugh.

he smiled as you reached up and placed your hands on his face. he dipped his head down and kissed you again, softly and sweetly. kisses like these were much different from how he kissed you when you were the same size and same blue shade.

“good,” he purred. his lips curled into a smile as he reached down to pull the mask to his face. he took a few deep breaths. “very good.”

you could only watch him in awe. you sat down in front of him and tried to wipe the blush from your cheeks. of course, it didn’t work. not even a little bit. he hunched over to be more level with you and it made you giggle.

he was just too big.

too large.

too handsome.

he was even more striking to the human eye.

you sat quietly as he picked up your hand and examined your five little fingers. he was intrigued by your pinky. to him, it was an extra pinky. with his four thick fingers, your hand seemed so frail and dainty. he touched the lines of your palm and smiled to himself as you shivered at the sensation.

“it is strange,“ tsu’tey said lowly. “how you are so different and still so the same…i thought it would be hard to recognize you. hard to see you with this face and not that face…but it is not hard.”

you curled your whole hand around his index finger and pulled it close. you placed his hand on your chest. your heart beat below his palm. he met your eyes and his ears perked. it made you smile.

“i see you.” you whispered.

tsu’tey leaned down and pressed his forehead against yours. he smiled to himself, enjoying the way your little heart beat so strong under the tips of his fingers as he neared.

“i see you,” he said like a promise.

this chapter was so much fun to write :P i love soft tsu’tey!!!! hope you guys enjoyed. lmk your thoughts <3 as always, thanks for reading!! — moony

tag list — @plantgirliewholovespandora

[jerzwriter]

Thank you to @snoopdogcone for this prompt for @choicesprompts Angstgiving event. The prompt is highlighted in the text below.

Book: Open Heart (Book 2) Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Casey MacTavish (F!MC) Rating: Teen Words: 3,363 Summary: Ethan's back from his mission in the Amazon rainforest, and it's time to face the wreckage he left behind.

A/N: Please note, this story is not part of my Ethan x Kaycee headcanon; it's part of my Casey MacTavish world where they are not end game.

@choicesmonthlychallengenov2024 - apology, regret

Casey was laser-focused on her task as she meandered through the packed maze of tables in Donahue’s beer garden. Nothing was going to come between her and her friends celebrating tonight’s victory properly, and securing a table was part of that goal. The place was packed, abuzz with the vibrant energy that seemed to define Boston during the final days of summer when the warm nights carried just a hint of the autumn breeze that would soon usher star-filled nights like this away. It seemed everyone had the same idea as they tried to soak in every last minute.

In the midst of clinking glasses, laughter, and the hum of dozens of conversations, Casey finally claimed victory. She flashed a bright smile when she spotted an empty table, waving furiously at her friends to join her. “Hurry up!! Hurry!” she beamed. “It’s almost time!”

Everyone quickly assembled, slipping onto the benches with their drinks in hand; the excitement was palpable. “Should we do a countdown first?” Elijah asked.

“Too late for that!” Casey replied. “It’s midnight!!”

 “Yeah! We made it!” Elijah howled with a raised glass. “Intern year is officially over!”

“And I say good freaking riddance!” Jackie chimed in. “We made it, and we did it with our medical licenses intact to boot!”

“Jackie!” Sienna frowned. “Don’t even joke about that! I was so scared Casey was going to have to leave Edenbrook! That’s one part of the intern year I want to forget!”

“I wouldn’t mind forgetting that part either,” Casey agreed. “But despite the low moments, I’ll still look back fondly on this year. After all, it’s when I met all of you!”

“Awww,” Sienna smiled, giving her friend a quick squeeze.

But Jackie wasn’t as moved. “How many of those have you had?” She laughed, motioning toward Casey’s empty glass.

Casey affectionately embraced her mortified friend. “Just enough to spill my emotions all over this table!”

Bryce arrived at the table and claimed the seat next to Casey, wrapping his arm around her waist as soon as he placed a fresh round of drinks on the table. “Well, it that’s where you are now, I’ll have you dancing when you finish this one.”

“As if getting me to dance is a struggle!” Casey chuckled. “But this is my last drink. I have a big day ahead!”

“Sure, rub it in!” Jackie smirked. “Now I can admit that part of me was hoping you’d lose your license because I would have swooped right in and taken your spot on the diagnostic team!”

“Not if I got to it first,” Elijah laughed, but his bright smile faltered when he glanced over Casey’s shoulder. “Speaking of the diagnostic team...” He nodded toward the entrance, and everyone’s heads turned.

Sienna looked like she saw a ghost. “Oh my gosh! He’s back!”

While her response may have been a bit dramatic for Sienna, it didn’t begin to express the turmoil stirring in Casey. The average person wouldn’t have noticed; she did her best to remain composed even as her body went rigid and her heart pounded in her chest. After two long months of absence, Ethan Ramsey was back, walking toward them like it was any other day, as if he hadn’t ripped Casey’s heart out just months before.

“He looks... different,” Sienna observed.

“Well, two months fighting an outbreak in the Amazon will do that to a person,” Jackie replied. Her eyes flickered in his direction, attempting to warn Casey that he was near.

But it was too late. He was already standing beside her, nodding a polite greeting to all, before his blue eyes locked on Casey’s for the first time since he had promised her they’d find a way to work things out.

“Rookie...” he stated, his expression unreadable.

If his presence flustered Casey, she hid it well. “You’re a bit too late for that, Dr. Ramsey,” she replied with a bravado she didn’t know she had. “As of sixty seconds ago, I’m not a rookie anymore. I’m officially a resident now.”

“Is that so?” he replied with a hint of a smile. “Then I take it you won’t be making any more rookie mistakes.”

“Well, I’m not sure about that,” she shrugged as her irritation began to crack her unaffected veneer. “If I’ve learned anything recently, it’s that everyone makes mistakes, world-renowned attendings included.”

The table went silent, the friends exchanging nervous looks as Sienna bit her lip. But if they were surprised by her candor, Ethan was not; it was one of the things he had come to admire in her. Clearing his throat, he replied calmly.

“I see,” he mumbled. “Well, I’ll let you and your friends get back to celebrating.”

A hush fell over the table when he turned and made his way toward the bar. Casey’s eyes followed him as her friends remained in a state of shock. Jackie was the first to break the silence. “Well, that wasn’t awkward or anything.”

Bryce tightened his grip around Casey. He knew this had to impact her more than anyone. After all, he was the one who had sat beside her night after night, listening to her cry and wiping away the tears that never seemed to stop. “Hey, are you OK?” He whispered.

Casey looked at him with a forced smile and patted his knee. “Yeah. I’m... fine.”

Sensing her friend’s discomfort, Sienna quickly steered the conversation, and the friends continued chatting as if nothing happened. But Casey couldn’t forget. Her eyes kept wandering back to the bar where Ethan sat in his usual spot – a seat so synonymous with him that it had remained conspicuously empty during his absence.

His expression was distant, and there was a heaviness to him that wasn’t there before. Even Reggie’s lively banter didn’t seem to impact his mood. He looked older... tired, as though the mission had taken more from him than anyone knew. That’s what Casey assumed it was as she looked his way. She may have been a brilliant diagnostician, but right now, her assessment couldn’t have been further from the truth. 

The night went on, and before they knew it, Reggie’s voice rang out. “Alright people! Last call. You ain’t gotta go home, but you can’t stay here!”

“Already?” Casey groaned, her voice tightening. “No! It just hit me... I’m starting on the diagnostic team tomorrow!”

“Rub it in, why don’t you?” Elijah laughed as Bryce offered Casey words of reassurance. 

“Well, I’m not starting on the diagnostic team, but I still need some sustenance to get through,” Jackie announced. “You guys want to hit the diner on the way home?”

“Why don’t you go ahead,” Casey replied. “I think I’m going stay behind and touch base with Ethan about tomorrow.”

She stepped inside the bar cautiously, so quiet that Ethan didn’t notice her until she took the stool beside him. “So... that last call thing doesn’t apply to you, huh?” she asked.

He turned to her, his eyes heavy with emotion, though his voice remained light. “Reggie and I go way back. We have... an arrangement.”

“An arrangement?” She half-laughed, her arm crossed protectively before her. “Is that what most people would call friendship?”

“I don’t have friends, Casey,” he stated flatly before downing the remains of his drink. “But I wouldn’t mind you joining me if you’re so inclined.”

Casey sat in stunned silence. She had pictured the moment when he would return in her head all summer long. Through the heartbreak and tears, she had practiced the words she planned to say like a mantra. She had perfected them. Each word a unique piece of ammunition designed to pierce his heart the way his silent departure had shattered hers. She had dreamed about finally having the chance to unleash her fury. Letting him know just how much damage he had done, but now, sitting beside him, the words that were in her heart and mind refused to travel to her lips.

With an inaudible sigh, she diverted her eyes. “Sure,” was all she could manage to say.

Ethan nodded with a look of both relief and fear in his eyes. He reached over the bar and grabbed a half-empty bottle of the bar’s finest Scotch and two glasses. “Hey, Reggie,” he yelled. “We’re going to borrow this.”

“Why don’t we take this outside?” He said. “Winter will be here before you know it; we might as well enjoy it while we can.”

“Sure,” she said again, angry at herself for her inability to say more. He hurt so badly and ran off to avoid the fallout left in its wake. He deserved to hear them. Yet, here she was, rendered silent, following him like a loyal pet shadowing its master.

They settled into two chairs beside the fire pit, its flickering light casting a warm glow between them. Ethan poured two drinks, handing one to Casey. When his fingers brushed hers, the simple touch sent a jolt through both of them. Casey wanted to down her drink in one gulp. But, if she wanted to be sober for this conversation, a sip would have to do.

“You look great,” he said with a tentative smile.

“Thank you. You look... different,” she replied, taking him in.

“Different?” he asked, his smile morphing into a full grin. “Different good, or different bad?”

“Just... different.”

“Well,” he admitted with a faint chuckle. “I’ve been through quite a bit.”

“I’m sure,” she said, swirling her glass nervously. “We all have. But, it was brave of you to go on that mission.”

Ethan choked on his drink, reflecting silently for a moment. “That... that wasn’t bravery, Casey.”

The look in his eyes launched a swell of emotions in Casey: anger, sympathy, fear, pain, and mingled with something else - something she thought she already buried. No wonder she couldn’t lash out at him. She didn’t want to feel it; she didn’t want it to be there, but love was never something Casey MacTavish let go of easily. At that moment she knew, despite the anger and hurt, she knew the truth: she couldn’t pull the trigger on him if she tried.

Eventually, the reality of the situation hit her like a wave. After all this time, he was here – sitting in front of her - and she deserved answers. Her voice shook as she spoke, each word filled with pain she had been carrying.

“You left,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “You left without telling me. Ethan, you didn’t say a single word.”

His expression crumbled, the weight of her accusation hitting him. He knew this confrontation was inevitable, but that did nothing to lessen its sting. Leaning forward, he braced himself; it was time to face the reckoning he always knew would come.

“Casey,” he started, his voice filled with regret. “I have no excuse to offer. I was... a coward. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran... I had to. I knew that if I saw you... if we had talked...I...” His words trailed as he turned away, unable to face the look in her eyes.

“If you came to me, you knew I wouldn’t have let you go with so much unresolved between us,” she replied. “I would have supported your choice if you wanted to go, but I wouldn’t let you use it as an excuse. I wouldn’t have let you run away. You would have had to face things... face me.”

“Yes,” he smiled sadly, “and that’s why I just... left.”

His words felt like a slap on the face. Insult added to injury. Casey was done shielding him from the damage his actions had caused. It was time for him to see it all. A bitter laugh escaped her, echoing through the empty space.

“Yes!” She shot back, her body trembling and her voice filled with rage. “You just... left. Left me! I stood in a conference room with all the other interns when Naveen announced your departure. I got to hear it like I was just anyone else... like I meant absolutely nothing to you!” She shook her head, eyes burning. “You told me we’d figure things out! You insisted we’d find a way to make it work, and I believed you! Then you were just... gone, without so much as a goodbye! Do you have any idea how much that hurt me, Ethan?”

“Casey, I’m sorry,” he repeated, his voice and eyes filled with regret. “I know that was wrong. There is no excuse I can offer to make it right.”

“You knew it was wrong?” she seethed. “You knew! But then you remained silent the whole time you were gone? Two months, Ethan. Two whole months! I left you dozens of voicemails... I stopped counting how many texts I sent! Did you even listen to them? Did you hear the pain in my voice and choose to ignore me? Or did they mean so little that you just deleted them without a second thought?”

“Casey, don’t say that,” he pleaded. “Nothing you say could ever be meaningless to me.”

“Then why?” she demanded, her voice breaking as she fought back tears. “Why didn’t you contact me? You reached out to Naveen. You reached out to Harper. But me? Nothing!” She took a trembling breath. “You just ghosted me... after everything we’ve been through?”

“It’s precisely because of everything we’ve been through that I didn’t contact you,” he replied. “You know the stakes, Casey! We’re going to be working together - you’re reporting to me. Your professional development and reputation... they’re too important. You’ve worked too hard to get where you are to let it all blow up because of me. I couldn’t let whatever we had between us put you at risk.”

 “Whatever we had...” she snickered. “Past tense?”

“Yes,” he said firmly. “And the past is where it needs to stay.”

Casey felt the resolve that his presence had softened returning to life inside her. It was all coming together: the sleepless nights, the heartache, hearing the whispers in Edenbrook’s halls, enduring the pitiful stares, the loneliness she felt as she picked up the shattered pieces of herself one by one without so much as a word from the man who had caused it. He owed her... he owed her better than this. She steadied herself before speaking again, her voice defiant.

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” she scoffed. “The past is exactly where it will remain. But do me one favor,” she asked, her vulnerability peeking through once more. “Admit what it was that we’re losing. Tell me what “it” was, Ethan! Can you at least give me that?”

He leaned back, an exasperating sigh escaping him as he focused on the bright stars sparking in the dark sky. “Casey,” he murmured, trying to find the words. “What do you want me to say?”

“The truth!” she yelled. “I want you to tell me the truth! You shattered my heart, Ethan, and left me to cope with it alone. If you ever cared for me at all,  then at least have the decency to admit what it was. Don’t leave me believing I was just some... mistake... tell me! Did you... did you ever love me at all?”

Ethan turned to her, his eyes filled with a sadness he couldn’t bring himself to admit. Gently raising a hand, he tilted her chin toward him, relishing the feel of her skin against his, knowing in his heart that he’d never touch her like this again.

She couldn’t see his internal battle - a battle between the part of him that knew she deserved the truth and the part that needed to protect her... protect himself. She deserved to know that she wasn’t the only one who had spent the summer heartbroken. She deserved to know about the dozens of letters he penned, each one confessing the feelings he couldn’t bring himself to say aloud – letters he knew he’d never send.

But what if he told her? Knowing Casey, she’d forgive him and do everything in her power to make them work, even if it meant sacrificing herself. Would she quit the diagnostic team? Leave Edenbrook? Go to a lesser program? Knowing her, she just might. She’d fought tooth and nail to get to this place in her career, and he couldn’t... he wouldn’t let her sacrifice it, not for him, and not for something as fleeting as love.

“Casey,” he finally said, his voice shaking. “Love is nothing more than proximity paired with a rush of neurochemical responses triggered by heightened stress.”

She pushed his hand away, his words cutting deeper than a knife ever could. The memory of the first time he said those words to her came rushing back. At that time, she thought it was just his cynicism talking. It was almost comical. But now? After all, they had been through... he still believed that? Had their time together taught him... nothing.

She took a deep breath as she rose to her feet; this was it, this was the end, and she could feel the sadness giving way to relief.

“Maybe that’s all love is to you,” she replied. “But that’s not all it is to me. I spent the past couple of months so hurt, so angry at you, but right now... all I can feel for you is pity. You want a reset? Ethan... there’s nothing to reset. We were over the day you stepped on that plane. I know my worth, Ethan, and I deserve so much better than this.”

She let the words hang in the air for a moment, then, standing tall, she met his eyes. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow, Dr. Ramsey. I look forward to working with you this year.”

And just like that, she was his colleague and nothing more. He watched her go, her silhouette framed in the soft light of the doorway, and his chest ached with the overwhelming urge to stop her, to say something, anything to pull her back. But as the door clicked shut behind her, he sank back into his chair, knowing she was right. This was the end. They were over.

He closed his eyes for a long moment, the weight of regret crushing his soul. With a deep breath, he reached into the pocket of his leather jacket and pulled a weathered piece of paper, the latest in a long line of the unsent letters he wrote, and his eyes skimmed over the closing lines:

You’ll never know how much you’ve changed me, Casey. If only I had the courage to be a better man. You deserve someone who will meet you in the light instead of hiding in the shadows. I wanted to be that man for you, I did, but it’s not in me. I’ll always carry you in my heart, even though I have to let you go. I love you, Casey. Always -  Ethan.”

The paper shook in his trembling hands as he watched the flames dancing. Then, with a sharp exhale, he tossed it into the fire, watching as the edges curled and blackened before his words disintegrating into ash.

It was over. This chapter was closed.

@choicesficwriterscreations @choicesprompts @choicesmonthlychallengenov2024 @openheartfanfics

Tagging others separately.

[chichis-interlude]

things I'm gonna manifest already have.

-My desired face + body (duhh)

-Height reduction (5'7-5'3) bc why not?

-Weight loss (Kim K whooo?)

-Fast metabolism (my big back ahh needs it very much)

-My Pinterest board shopping list (lashes, lip gloss, etc)

-My desired room decor (hello kitty all day nigga!)

-My dad's business flourishing (million dollar baby who??)

-Moving to town (the suburbs are so dead smh)

-British passport for my family + family friends (Nigerian passport is ass ibr)

-Lenient parents (love my ma but she needs to step back sometimes)

-Being famous on social media (the clock app, the bird app, etc)

-Getting all 9s on GCSEs (I'm in y10 but gotta start early n that)

-My desired friend group for 6th form (baddie w her baddie frenns)

-Finding albums of my favourite artist (K.dot + Sade I'm coming for u)

-Thicker, longer hair (still gonna be 4b-4c tho)

-Being VERY sociable (I alr am but I'm tryna be outside dis summer)

-Being able to play the violin (UGHH I forgot everything ab it!)

-Speaking French + Igbo (my mother tongue)

-Having a voice similar to Shinobu Kocho Japanese VA (She's leng)

-Being a terrific writer (making niggas cry bc of books n shi)

-Being very lyrically gifted (freestyles finna be a breeze)

-Being a good rapper + singer (bc why not?)

-Being really fast + good at track (these dogs getting too fast ibr)

-Being good at cooking (gordon Ramsey who?)

-Being good at fighting (saw smb ik get beat up sb on snap + I'm not tryna be the next but my mouth too sharp for my own good.)

-Being good at insults + arguments (I alr am but why not even more?)

-Having my dreams wardrobe (I don't even got a specific style fr)

-Finally buying a HUGE house (house party finna be active)

-Lit sweet 16 (6 months from now as well)

-School being lenient (getting sent to detention for lip gloss is not it)

-Getting that baggg (money is my love language fr)

-My mannn (this is indeed built a nigga but in 6th form)

-Robux, Imvu money and Zepeto money (madre won't get them 4 me)

-EDIT: I can waistline like a Congolese (iykyk)

There's still some more but this is like the summary!

[liaromancewriter]

Perfect Day

Premise: When the leaves turn, it’s time for childhood fun.

Book: Open Heart (post series) Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Cassie Valentine); feat. Max Valentine Rating/Category: Teen. Fluff. Words: 930

A/N: I wanted to write this fic last Fall, but I couldn't seem to do it. It's not officially Autumn in my part of the world, yet, but this weekend feels like it as the temps drop. I'm using prompt 1 from @creativepromptsforwriting's Grumpy-Sunshine dialogue prompts. Tagging for reblog to @creativepromptfills

It was a perfect Fall day. Crisp air, a clear blue sky, the sun hanging low, casting a golden glow over the backyard blanketed with fallen leaves from the old oak tree. Their vibrant hues—reds, oranges, and yellows—created a kaleidoscope of color on the ground. Still more fell, raining down on the little girl captivated by the magic of the season.

Six-year-old Cassie Valentine turned her face up to the sky, arms spread wide as she spun in circles, laughing when errant leaves grazed her forehead before drifting to the soft ground.

Her twin brother Max whooped and hollered like a banshee, leaping into the largest pile. His maniacal laughter stood in stark contrast to her joyful giggles. The leaves crunched under his weight, releasing an earthy scent reminiscent of the changing seasons.

Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Cassie charged forward, sharing a mischievous glance with Max.

They leaped into the air together, seeming to float for a second, and then, with a soft whoosh, landed in the pile, leaves flying around them and their laughter echoing through the yard.

The crunch beneath them was satisfying, a symphony of fall, and they both giggled uncontrollably as they sank into the colorful mound. They took turns burying each other, tossing handfuls of colorful leaves into the air just to watch them flutter down like confetti.

Cassie lay on her back, flailing her arms as if making a leaf angel, while Max jumped from pile to pile. Eventually, he grew tired and flopped down beside her, his head resting against hers.

They lay there side by side, staring at the slowly darkening sky. The sound of rustling leaves in the gentle breeze and their steady breathing were the only things breaking the peaceful silence.

“Best day ever,” Max said with a grin, showing off the gap in his front teeth.

“Best season ever,” Cassie whispered, sighing in contentment.

At that moment, the world was just them, the leaves and the endless possibilities of a perfect autumn day.

Many years later…

There was no season quite like Fall, thought Cassie. And her adopted hometown of Boston was a sight to behold when the seasons changed and the leaves turned.

The city hummed quietly in the distance, but here in the wide expanse of Boston Common, the sounds were a symphony of children laughing, branches rustling in the wind, and squirrels scurrying from tree to tree.

The winding paths were blanked with a patchwork of Autumn hues—red, gold, amber. The ancient trees seemed to bow overhead, shaking loose leaves that drifted lazily to the ground.

Leaves crunched beneath her boots, a satisfying sound that reminded her of childhood pleasures and a time of innocence.

She glanced sideways at her husband, his brow furrowed in deep thought, her hand warm in his. A sudden idea sparked. Ethan Ramsey could use some fun.

Cassie tugged at his hand, ignoring his startled shout as she dragged him toward the piles of leaves scattered across the green.

Her eyes sparkled with laughter as she gathered handfuls of leaves and tossed them over his head. A red leaf stuck to his hair, and his exasperation was evident in the way he stared at her.

Cassie grinned mischievously, daring him with her eyes. Ethan slowly plucked the red leaf from his hair, almost nonchalantly, but his laser blue eyes glittered with challenge.

In one swift motion, Ethan bent down, scooped up a pile of leaves and tossed them in her direction.

“This means war,” he warned, his voice playful as he grabbed another handful.

Cassie shrugged, unfazed and tossed a ball of leaves straight at his face. “Bring it!”

Ethan shook his head, raising one hand in mock surrender. But with the other, he swiftly swung a handful of leaves toward her, like a pitcher letting a ball fly. Cassie squealed, trying to dodge the cascade of red, orange, and yellow foliage as it sailed toward her.

Her laughter echoed through the park as she darted behind a nearby tree, peeking around it with a grin. Ethan pursued, grabbing more leaves and flinging them toward her, the cool breeze carrying some of them away before they landed.

“You can do better than that, babe,” she teased, her eyes sparkling.

With a laugh, Ethan finally closed the gap between them, gently tackling her into a pile of leaves, collapsing into the soft mound, their cheeks flushed and hearts pounding from the spontaneous game.

They lay there for a moment, leaves tangled in their hair, the cool, damp earth pressing gently through their coats.

Cassie turned to Ethan, still breathless with laughter.

“For the record, I won,” she teased, nudging him playfully.

Ethan chuckled, shaking his head. “Looks like a draw from where I’m sitting—”

His words cut off as he sputtered, Cassie burying him under an armful of leaves.

“Now, I won for sure!” she declared, her voice triumphant.

Ethan smiled, his eyes softening as he pulled her toward him, his hands gently gripping her arms. In one smooth motion, he rolled her over, their faces inches apart, the world around them fading into the crisp autumn air.

“I think you're right,” he murmured, his voice low, “You’re definitely the only person I would do this for.”

He closed the distance between them, his lips capturing hers in a kiss that felt as natural as the falling leaves.

In that moment, there was no winning, no losing—just the two of them, lost in the magic of a perfect autumn day.

---------------

All Fics & Edits: @bluebelle08 @coffeeheartaddict2 @crazy-loca-blog @jerzwriter @justyourusualash

@lady-calypso @kyra75 @mainstreetreader @peonierose @potionsprefect

@queencarb @quixoticdreamer16 @snoopdogcone @tessa-liam @trappedinfanfiction

Submissions: @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Ethan & Cassie only: @cariantha @custaroonie @youlookappropriate

[omegaremix]

Omega Radio for December 31, 2012-January 1, 2013; #5.

12/31/12 (Soul-Glo Bistro)

Billy Paul “Mrs. Jones”

Ronnie Foster “Mystic Brew”

Soul Children “Move Over”

Isley Brothers, The “Footsteps In The Dark”

Kool & The Gang “Winter Sadness”

Jim Gilstrap “Move Me”

Tribe “Koke (Part I & II)”

Johnny Guitar Watson “Superman Lover”

Marvin Gaye “After The Dance” (INS)

Rotary Connection “Memory Band”

Deineice Williams “Free”

Ramp “Daylight”

Jon Lucien “A Sunny Day”

Bobby Lyle “Night Breeze”

Eddie Henderson “Involuntary Bliss”

Roy Ayers Ubiquity “Time And Space”

Lonnie Liston Smith & The Cosmic Echoes “Expansions”

Ramsey Lewis “Sun Goddess”

Ronnie Laws “Tidal Wave”

Delegation “Oh, Honey”

Les McCann “Flow With The Feeling”

Donny Hathaway “Singing This Song To You”

1/1/13 (Street FM)

O.C. “Time’s Up”

Nas “Life Is Like A Dice Game” (demo)

Ultramagnetic MC’s “Raise It Up”

Boogie Down Productions “Duck Down”

Eric B & Rakim “Know The Ledge”

Lord Finesse “Return Of The Funkyman”

A Tribe Called Quest “We Got The Jazz”

Double XX Posse “Headcracker, The”

Grimm Teachaz “I Getz”

Gang Starr “Mass Appeal”

Organized Konfusion “Why?”

Miilkbone “Keep It Real”

Da King & I “Krak The Weasel”

Scientifik “Lawton”

Q Ball & Curt Cazal “Makin’ Moves” (Smooth VER)

Mic Geronimo “Shit’s Real” (RMX)

YG’s “Groove On”

Funkdoobiest “Dedicated”

Erule “Listen Up”

Mad Skillz “The Nod Factor”

Mad Fam “Dad”

Mood “Hustle On The Side”

Stezo “Bop Ya Headz”

Smoothe Da Hustler f. Trigger Tha Gambler "Broken Language"

AZ f. Nas “Essence”

Wu-Tang Clan, The “Careful (Click, Click)”

RZA “Tragedy”

Big L “Flamboyant”

Lord Tariq & Peter Gunz “This Cold World”

Reflection Eternal “Good Mourning”

Arsonists “Pyromaniax”

Company Flow “Simian D”

K-Otix “Better”

Peanut Butter Wolf f. Planet Asia & Madlib “The Definition Of Ill”

Cannibal Ox “Iron Galaxy”

Solitair “Easy To Slip”

Slum Village f. Old Dirty Bastard “Flexible” (VER)

R.A. Tha Rugged Man “Lessons”

Lo-Down Clique “Mad Fright Night”

Kool Keith / Dr. Octagon “Takin’ It Back”

Yak Ballz “Queens Life”

Sway & King Tech “Enough Beef”

Blaq Poet “Hood Talk”

Black Star “You Already Knew”

Bonus five-hour 'New Year's' broadcast; jazz, fusion, soul, golden-era hip-hop and rap.

[jamespotterthefirst]

No pressure at all, amiga... but if inspired for a ficlet, an edit, anything....

⋆ going to questionable lengths to decorate their house/apartment (for Halloween)

From this list

Omg! Thank you so much for the inspiration, Amiga. It felt SO GOOD to write something short and sweet. I almost cried. Love you!

Halloween Lights

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey and F!MC (Dr. Lilac Allende-Ramsey) Word count: 600 Warning: Adult themes and conversations

“This is stupid,” Ethan proclaims from under her for the tenth time that evening. 

“Quiet, you,” she returns without missing a beat. 

“Hrm.”

His overemphasized displeasure would have been amusing to Lilac under any other circumstances. At that precise moment, however, her attention is entirely invested on not plummeting to her death. 

Meanwhile, Ethan Ramsey, renowned doctor and author, currently stands in the driveway of their new home, his wife perched on his shoulders as she tries to hang up a string of purple and orange lights. He remembers the colors precisely because they spent over an hour searching for the correct ones online. Ready to give up, Ethan had proclaimed that the color didn't matter, which earned him a glare and a lecture from Lilac. 

“Who decorates for Halloween anyway?” he asks now from under his wife. 

“Us,” she informs him brightly. 

“Why? Isn't Christmas enough?” 

“Nope,” she says absently, finally finding success with mounting that section of string lights. “And you better get used to it, babe. Marrying me means decorating for every holiday. Now, move over to the left so I can keep going.”

A long dramatic sigh leaves him but he obliges. Lilac laughs, careful not to topple over with the movement. 

“This would have been insurmountably easier with a ladder,” he informs her. 

“We don't own one yet. It's part of the whole ‘being new home owners’ ordeal,” she reminds him. “There's an obligatory trip to the hardware store we still have to make. And then two more when we realize we forgot to get some things. Besides, I don't need a ladder when I have a six foot five husband I can climb.”

His grip on her thighs tightens. 

“That last part I don't mind.”

Large hands move further up her legs. 

“In fact, I enjoy it thoroughly when you do.”

“Stop distracting me with your filthy mind, Ramsey.”

A bitter breeze sweeps past them, dragging its icy nails over Lilac's skin. Her raised arms pull the hem of the knit fabric, exposing her midriff. She sways unceremoniously, clenching her thighs tighter around her husband's neck to retain her balance. 

It's futile, however, because her body jerks to the side, sending her heart into a nosedive. 

“Shit!” 

Strong, steady arms catch her, gently bringing her back to the ground. Her soft body slides down the hard planes of his. When she finds her bearings again and her pulse returns to normal, she laughs. 

“I'm horrible at this decoration thing,” she admits. 

“Yes, you are.”

Lilac feigns offense, but Ethan is quick to kiss her forehead. Another icy blast of wind rushes past them, making her shiver. His hands instinctively squeeze her tighter. 

“I'll put all the decorations up this weekend if we can go inside,” he offers. 

“Really?” 

“You won't give up this insane endeavor otherwise,” he counters, but Lilac can see his sarcasm doesn't match the softness in his smile. “I'll get Lahela to help me. It'll be torture, but I'll do it if it means you won't fall and break your neck.”

There is no immediate witty response. Instead, his wife watches him with a look she has given him many times before, one that makes Ethan feel absolutely weightless. Something about this small embrace in the middle of their new driveway cements the realization that they're about to spend the rest of their lives together in their new home.

Lilac must feel it too because she leans up to kiss him. Their lips move innocently at first, but then they plead for more with every languid stroke. She breaks away, cheeks flushed and eyes dark. Her fingers play with the tassels of his scarf. 

“Even though we're done decorating, I can still climb you, Ramsey.”

The words have the desired effect on his body. Years of practice, however, help him think of a witty response instead of immediately pouncing on her like a caveman. 

“Just like before, Rookie,” he tells her conversationally before leaning in and whispering— “Except I want you facing the other way.”

Note: Thank you so much for reading!

[cariantha]

A Chance Encounter (1/3)

Book: Open Heart (Pre-Series) Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Sawyer Brooks) Rating: Teen Category: Fluff Word count: 2.5K Series Summary: Ten years before meeting at Edenbrook, Ethan and Sawyer have a chance encounter during spring break.

Chapter Summary: Ethan comes to Sawyer’s aid after a minor accident.

Part One: The Meet-Cute

July 2022 - Boston, Massachusetts

As Ethan rounded the corner, he saw the woman waiting in the lobby slump out of her chair and hit the floor. Jumping into action, he rushed over and knelt at her side. Placing two fingers on the side of her neck, he checked for a pulse. 

Out of habit, he called out the woman’s vitals. “Pulse is weak. She’s unresponsive.” Quickly scanning the gathering crowd, he spotted blue scrubs - the tell-tale sign of an intern - pushing through the bystanders. When his eyes landed on her concerned features, his heart slammed against his chest. “No fucking way.”

Shaking off the startling surprise and focusing on the blue-faced woman lying in front of him, he pointed a finger at the familiar face and crooked his finger. “You. Rookie. Get in here.”  

If he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him, the electric current that coursed through him when he clasped the nervous doctor’s trembling hand, was all the convincing he needed. 

Once their patient had been whisked away and the crowd began to disperse, Ethan approached the wide-eyed intern, searching for a hint of recognition. He was disappointed when he found none.

“Doctor… that was… absolutely amazing!” she exclaimed.

His ego bruised, he reflexively hardened his demeanor.

She was taken aback when he delivered a harsh critique of her performance. “Amateur?”

The attending wore a look of warning on his face as the intern gave him a once over, sizing him up. 

“Maybe you can give me private lessons,” she finally suggested, cool as a cucumber.

Remembering where he’d heard that line before, he couldn’t contain his laugh. “Ha! I just might, Doctor…” Stepping into her personal space, he reached for her ID card and read the name. 

Sawyer Brooks

Ten years had passed without him ever knowing her name. They had agreed it was for the best to remain anonymous, to be realistic about their circumstances, to avoid attachment and unnecessary complications. 

“Well, so much for that,” Ethan sighed as he made his way to the atrium. 

March 2012 - East Hampton, New York

After a cramped five hour drive from John Hopkins University to East Hampton, New York, Ethan sat in a folding beach chair under a large rainbow umbrella. His toes dug into the cool, white sand as a refreshing Atlantic breeze blew through his overgrown chestnut waves. 

His roommate and two medical school friends threw a football around at the water’s edge, but Ethan was content to sit and read, glancing up only occasionally when one of them dove into the shallows to make a dramatic catch.

Not far down the beach, he spotted two young women struggling against the wind to spread out a beach blanket. Small children skipped excitedly to the wet sand, scooping it up and filling their plastic buckets. 

A short while later, large sets rolled into shore, the loud crashes pulling Ethan’s attention from his book. Giddy laughter called him back to the nearby beachgoers. The brunette woman, who stood knee-deep in the water, kept a watchful eye on the little boy and girl who chased each other with seaweed. At their blanket, the blonde stood and picked up a surfboard. In a cheeky hot pink bikini, her toned physique was on full display as she carried the board over her head down to the water. Her companions waved as she tossed the board over the surf and slid onto it, paddling out to deeper water. 

The kids cheered when Sawyer caught her first wave. The young men playing catch nearby joined in, offering their encouragement each time she caught a wave. “Go, go, go!” They also offered a few fist-to-the-mouth “Dohs!” when she wiped out. After a particular gnarly spill, one of the men ogled as Sawyer stood up in the waist deep water and adjusted her crooked bikini top.

With his eye most definitely not on the ball, Tobias caught the incoming throw with his face. “Oof!”

Too exhausted to paddle out again, Sawyer called it quits. 

As if it were happening in slow motion, Ethan watched intently from behind his Wayfarers as she emerged from the water. The rivulets running down her sun-kissed skin glistened in the afternoon sun. He found it sexy as hell the way she carried her board under one arm and pushed water from her hair with the other. 

Having drifted a ways down the beach, Sawyer started walking back to her claim of sand. “Whoa!” she shouted, jumping back suddenly.

Running backwards into her path, Tobias nearly tackled her as he lept outstretched for the inbound football. “Sorry about that. Are you okay?” 

“I’m good,” she sidestepped the stranger with slight annoyance.

He launched the ball back to his friends and signaled that he was done playing, quickly catching up to her. “Those were some impressive moves out there, Gidge."

"Pardon?" she asked with a furrowed brow.

"You know… Gidge… as in Gidget. The old-timey surf movie?"

"Yeah, I got the reference. I'm just surprised you know it."

He shrugged, "I was forced to watch it a thousand times growing up. My mom and sisters watched it all the time.”

As they walked back, Tobias asked if she was from the island. Sawyer shared that she was in New York for spring break with her best friend, Christian. Christian was the nanny for an affluent family from Los Angeles vacationing in the Hamptons for the week. The family, desperate to have their nanny join them on the trip, encouraged Christian to invite a friend to make the trip more worthwhile.

Sawyer asked the same question in return. Tobias explained that his current stepfather, his mother’s third husband, owned the house where he and his friends were enjoying their own break from medical school at John Hopkins. 

Approaching his group, she saw a couple guys munching on chips and reaching for beers in a cooler. Behind them sat a dark-haired hunk with broad shoulders, strong pecs, and washboard abs. He had a striking profile, though his eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses. 

Sawyer curiously stared back when Ethan turned in her direction. His head robotically tracked her movements as she walked past.

She was the first to break their staring contest, looking away when Tobias asked, “Do you wanna hang for a bit? Have a drink?”

“I should get back to my friend,” she answered, tilting her head toward Christian and the kids, “but maybe we'll see you around later.”

As she left a trail of footprints in the sand, Tobias called out to her. "See ya, Gidge! Maybe you can give us private lessons tomorrow!”

Spinning around and walking backwards, Sawyer shouted back to him with a teasing smile. "You can’t afford me!” Her eyes were drawn to Ethan again as she turned to face forward. There was an intensity in his gaze, even from behind his sunglasses, that made her pause before finally turning away.

“I’m disappointed she didn’t want to hang,” Tobias told his friends, taking a beer from one of them, “but wooo-weee, I am not upset to watch her walk away.” 

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

The next day, while his friends were nursing their hangovers, Ethan took advantage of the remaining morning hours to get some exercise. Returning from his jog down the beach, he spotted the brunette and children from the day before, building castles in the sand. His eyes searched for the blonde, finding her out on the water. But as quickly as he found her, she disappeared, a rogue wave taking her by surprise. Ethan slowed to a stop when her board torpedoed to the surface without her. He stood in anxious wait for what seemed like several minutes. On this private stretch of beach, there were no lifeguards. There was no one else to come to her aid, and just as he was about to jump into action, her head finally popped out of the water.

Sawyer struggled to find her footing as another wave crashed into her back. Her shoulders slumping from exhaustion, she coughed violently to clear her lungs of the swallowed salt water.

Urging the kids to stay put, Christian ran to the water, offering her friend a steady hand. That’s when Ethan noticed the streaks of red running down Sawyer’s leg as she slowly dragged her board to shore. 

“Oh my god, you’re bleeding!” Christian exclaimed, making her sit down on the board. “What happened?” 

“My leash got hooked on a ro–” She stopped as a towering figure suddenly shaded her from the morning sun. Sawyer’s gaze traveled up his sweaty, shirtless body. When she reached his eyes, they mirrored the sparkling blue ocean behind him. 

“Are you okay?” Ethan asked.

“I–I’m not sure,” she said looking down at her bloodied thigh. As Ethan crouched down to examine her wounds, she was momentarily transfixed by his handsome face, only snapping out of it when he lifted his eyes to hers. “You… you were with the Hopkins guys the other day,” she coughed again.

“I was.”

“Are you a med student, too?” 

“I am,” he answered, returning to his full height. “Did you swallow much water?”

Sawyer shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

“We’re staying there,” he pointed to the nearby estate, “If you’d like, I can help you clean and bandage those cuts and scrapes.” 

“Could you, please?” Christian interjected. “I would help her back to the house, but I’ve got my hands full with the kids.”

Ethan nodded and waited for Sawyer’s consent. 

“Okay,” she said, getting to her feet. 

Ethan grabbed for the t-shirt he had halfway tucked into his back pocket. “I promise it’s mostly clean,” he assured, gently wiping some of the sand and blood away for a closer look. “You’ve got a pretty nasty cut here, but I don’t think it will need stitches. You can use this to keep pressure on it while we walk back.” 

A jolt of electricity coursed through her when her hand covered his to take hold of the shirt. Sawyer suspected Ethan felt it too, their eyes flitting to each other as he slid his hand out from under hers.

When she made a move to lift her board, Ethan put his hand out to hold her back. “I’ve got it,” he insisted.

“Th–thank you,” Sawyer stammered, butterflies taking flight in her stomach.

They walked in silence for a couple minutes before Ethan burst the bubble of nervous energy that surrounded them. “You know, if you had agreed to those private lessons, I'd be asking for a refund right about now," he teased.

“Jerk,” she giggled, giving him a playful shove. Ethan returned a small smile, barely flinching when her hand connected with his rock hard tricep. “I never claimed to be a professional. Amateur at best.”

“Where’d you learn to surf?” 

“Growing up I spent summers at my grandparents' beach house in San Diego. My brother and I found some old boards in the garage one year and we just taught ourselves,” she explained.

“Are you from California then?”

“Technically, Arizona. But I’m currently living in Cali for school. Caltech.”

“Caltech? Really?” he sounded surprised.

Slightly offended by his reaction, “Gee, thanks. Is that really so hard to believe?” 

“No! Sorry, I meant no offense,” Ethan quickly apologized. “I meant it more like… damn. Caltech is known as the MIT of the west coast. What are you majoring in?” he probed, his interest peaked.

“Bio with a minor in neurobiology. I’ve been torn between going pre-med or biotech, and I really need to make a decision soon. I’m scheduled to meet with my advisor when I get back, to enroll for next semester.”

If he had not already been smitten by her beauty, her proven intelligence and passion for science would have certainly captivated him.

Before another awkward silence settled in, Sawyer began her own line of questioning. “What about you? Did you complete your undergrad at Hopkins too?” 

Ethan shook his head. “No, I went to Brown. Pre-med.”

“Ivy League. Huh.” There was definitely a hint of prejudice in her tone. 

“Who’s the judgmental one now?” he asked, whipping his head toward her. “I’ll have you know I was on scholarship and it was conveniently close to home,” Ethan defended.

“I was just messing with ya,” she winked. “That’s pretty cool actually. I’m on scholarship too. So, you’re an east-coaster then?” 

“Yeah.” 

The disappointing reality settled over them as Ethan escorted her through the garden gate that led into the private property. He showed her to the outdoor shower and propped her surfboard up against the side of the house. 

“I’m going to grab a towel and a first aid kit. I’ll be right back,” he said, heading inside the beachside mansion. 

Ethan paused just inside the house upon returning with the items. He peered through the large mirrored windows that provide privacy from the outside world. He watched as Sawyer tilted her head back to rinse the sand from her hair, as if she were putting on a private show just for him. The sun backlit her curves as she arched her back, creating a picture worthy of a magazine cover.

Sawyer was wringing out her hair when Ethan reappeared and offered her the towel. Guiding her to a nearby lounge chair, he gestured for her to sit. He knelt beside her and checked her wounds again, making sure all the sand had been washed away. Confident nothing required stitches, Ethan opened the first aid kit. 

The mere thought of his touch made Sawyer’s skin prickle with goosebumps.

"This is going to sting," he warned before delicately dragging an antiseptic wipe over the affected areas. When Sawyer hissed in pain, Ethan gently blew on her skin, his eyes shifting up to hers to see if it eased the discomfort. 

She wasn’t sure if it was his cool breath that caressed her skin or his mesmerizing azure eyes that distracted her from the pain. Whatever it was, the smile that spread across Sawyer’s face suggested that it had the desired effect.

“How long are you guys in town for?” she asked as Ethan applied ointment over her scrapes and bandaged the deeper cut. Sawyer tried hard not to laugh at the serious expression on his face as he concentrated on applying the bandage perfectly.

“Um… we’re heading back to Baltimore… uh… the day after tomorrow,” Ethan finally managed, smoothing down the edges of the large band aid. “You?”

“The day after that,” she shared.

Lacking an excuse to keep her there any longer, Ethan stood, offering his hand to help her up. “You’re all set.”

“Thank you. If your bedside manner is any indication, you’re gonna be one helluva doctor.” 

Ethan’s cheeks blushed a light shade of pink, accepting the compliment with a shy grin. And as if they both realized it at the time, they let go of their still-joined hands. 

Reluctantly, Sawyer tucked her surfboard under her arm to take her leave. “Well, thanks again,” she smiled and turned toward the house next door. 

Ethan watched her take a few steps, feeling optimistic when she suddenly stopped and twisted sideways with her board.

“Hey-” she began to say, only to be interrupted by the sound of bellowing laughter. 

Ethan followed her gaze behind him. 

“There’s our always brooding, blue-eyed beauty!” Tobias called out, tackling his roommate with a provoking smooch on the cheek. “What are you making us for breakfast, bro?” 

Annoyed, Ethan shoved him away. “Get off me, man.” 

When he looked back, Sawyer was gone.  

Part 2: The Hook-Up

Tag List: @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics @peonierose  @potionsprefect @trappedinfanfiction @jerzwriter @queencarb @coffeeheartaddict2 @quixoticdreamer16 @jamespotterthefirst @liaromancewriter @zealouscanonindeer @tveitertotwrites @tessa-liam @youlookappropriate @kyra75 @socalwriterbee @txemrn

[dudewhoabides]

Ramsey Lewis Trio - Summer Breeze (1973)

[rjzimmerman]

Solar Farms Have a Superpower Beyond Clean Energy. (New York Times)

Excerpt from this New York Times story:

It’s not your average solar farm.

The glassy panels stand in a meadow. Wildflowers sway in the breeze, bursts of purple, pink, yellow, orange and white among native grasses. A monarch butterfly flits from one blossom to the next. Dragonflies zip, bees hum and goldfinches trill.

As solar projects unfurl across the United States, sites like this one in Ramsey, Minn., stand out because they offer a way to fight climate change while also tackling another ecological crisis: a global biodiversity collapse, driven in large part by habitat loss.

The sun’s clean energy is a powerful weapon in the battle against climate change. But the sites that capture that energy take up land that wildlife needs to survive and thrive. Solar farms could blanket millions of acres in the United States over the coming decades.

So developers, operators, biologists and environmentalists are teaming up with an innovative strategy.

“We have to address both challenges at the same exact time,” said Rebecca Hernandez, a professor of ecology at the University of California, Davis, whose research focuses on how to do just that.

Insects, those small animals that play a mighty role in supporting life on Earth, are facing alarming declines. Solar farms can offer them food and shelter by providing a diverse mix of native plants.

Such plants can also decrease erosion, nourish the soil and store planet-warming carbon. They can also attract insects that improve pollination of nearby crops.

Pollinator friendly solar can pay off for business, too, potentially saving money and giving projects an edge for approval at a time when communities are increasingly wary of vast solar farms. Developers are taking note.

But there’s a broad spectrum of pollinator friendliness and little agreement on what efforts should count. Standards are often nonexistent. Some big projects are limiting pollinator habitat to tiny corners of their sites. Ecological value varies widely.

Communities may not understand the difference, and corporate marketing may exaggerate. That’s led to accusations of greenwashing.

Pollinator habitat on solar farms is “a serious work in progress,” said Scott Black, executive director of the Xerces Society for Invertebrate Conservation, a nonprofit group that is working on an effort to bring some clarity by certifying solar sites.

“It’s not fair if some people are truly stepping up to do this right and another company is barely doing anything and saying they’re pollinator friendly,” he said.

“If you build it, will they come?” he asks in his research. So far the answer is a resounding yes, if you grow the right plants.

In a study published late last year, his team found that insect abundance had tripled over five years on test plots at two other Minnesota solar sites. The abundance of native bees grew twentyfold.

The results come amid a global decline of wildlife that leaders are struggling to address. Some of the most well-known insect species are in trouble: Later this year, the federal government is expected to rule on whether to place monarch butterflies on the Endangered Species List. North American birds, for their part, are down almost 30 percent since 1970.

But at this site, called Anoka County Solar, acoustic monitoring has documented 73 species of birds, presumably attracted by the buffet of seeds and insects. Some build nests in the structures supporting the panels.

Mammals are showing up, too. Mr. Walston checked a trail camera before leaving, hoping to discover the occupant of a remarkably large burrow: A fox, he thought, or a badger. No luck.

(It’s trickier to make solar sites friendly to large wild animals, in part because developers are nervous to let them near expensive infrastructure, but efforts are underway there, too.)

What makes this meadow possible is the height of the panels. A prairie restoration firm had told ENGIE, the owner and developer, that taller panels would allow for a sharp increase in native vegetation species, providing much more ecological diversity, said John Gantner, the director of engineering and delivery for ENGIE’s smaller-scale sites.

[x-aefx]

ONE TIME THING - BELLA RAMSEY (PART3)

Pictures above are not mine

Summary: unbeknownst to you, you meet actor Bella Ramsey. You two hit it off but your paths lead two different directions.

Bella Ramsey x female reader

Warnings: none

Taglist: @evieguhbyebroski @amberputh @assgardangod @just-here-to-read-fanfictions @eddiesgirlsblog

I used she/them pronouns for Bella.

A/N: not proofread !

Part one⬇️

★★

The small piece of paper kept itself crumpled in the back pocket of your trousers for the remainder of your shift. Sometimes you found yourself holding onto it when you zoned out, like some weird necessity.

Everytime you thought your shift was near it's end, you'd look over at the clock and it was like it went back an hour. You didn't know why you were so excited. you knew bella gave you her number so you would text her, but you were dreadful at texting.

Just text bella like you text Aaron.

No. Definitely not.

The seventh time you looked over at the old clock that hung amongst the rest of the decorations displayed on the walls, you felt as if the guy in the clouds finally listened to you for once in your life.

All the burns and pains in your arms you had endured suddenly became worth it.

You ignored the confused faces off your coworkers as you sped past them and towards the door. The cold breeze hit your face Instantly, working in that stuffy café made it very much welcomed.

The taxi ride home was quiet. You exchanged a few words with the driver about the weather and what was happening on the news. The entire ride home your leg shook up and down, from the worry or nerves you couldn't tell.

You watched the life outside you pass you by from the window, 90s greatest hits played on the radio at a low volume, you had the urge to tell the driver to turn it up but decided it was better to leave him alone.

"here we are, miss. "

Your small home came into view. It wasn't the fanciest house, but it was yours and you loved it. It was a small two story brick house, ivy was growing along the side of it (you thought it looked pretty in a way) the design was something straight out of victorian times but that never bothered you. It was cozy and safe and you were able to call it home. Thanking the driver you stepped out of the black vehicle, your phone and purse in your hand.

Walking up the small footpath leading to the dark green door you listened to the sound of the taxi driving away amongst the other traffic, the sounds of children and adults conversing. You made a mental note to replace the flowers that were on your windowsill, their dying petals falling from the plant pot they resided in.

Unlocking the door you stepped out of your shoes and took off your coat. Making your way into the living room you dropped your phone on the couch. You paced back and fourth.

"this is so fucking stupid!" You groaned in frustration as you covered your face with your hands.

The sound of soft padding on the wooden floor captured your attention. Your frustration temporarily gone at the sight.

Toby ran as fast as any kitten could at only a few weeks old. He was only the size of your hand. He sat directly on your foot, looking up at you expectantly.

You laughed, all your thoughts completely gone.

Bending down to pick the tiny fluffball up you craddled him in your arms. Toby rested on his back in your arms, all four paws fighting with the air to try grab at your hair. You rubbed your hand on his white stomach, covered with thick fluffy fur. You kissed his nose.

"I love you buddy. But I wouldn't trust you to protect the house. you sleep in my bed for the entire day."

Toby let out a soft meow. Your heart melted, all the love you had for this little guy couldn't be normal.

"yeah yeah, your life is so hard." You teased. Bending down again you placed him gently on the floor.

Your head turned to your phone once again. You sighed. It was Bella. A complete stranger, but it was still just Bella. Why were you stressing? Closing your eyes for a second you tried to collect your thoughts. You came to the conclusion that a warm shower was needed right now. You would text Bella after.

Leaving your phone where it lay on the couch you made your way for the stairs, only to stop. You turned back around, looking at the floor where you stood, expecting to see Toby only for him to not be there. Your eyes moved to where you placed him Infront of the couch. Toby lay sleeping.

"you've got to be kidding me?" You rolled your eyes. Trust Toby to not be able to stay awake for more than five minutes. Walking back you picked him up again and held him in your arms as you made your way upstairs. Upon entering your room you placed him under your duvet against your pillows: his favorite spot.

Walking into the bathroom you immediately began undressing yourself. You wasted no time before stepping inside the shower. The warm droplets of water felt magical on your skin. The tension in your body relaxed, your mirror fogged with steam. Those twenty minutes you spent in the shower was the most peace you've had the entire day.

When you had eventually gotten out and dressed in a more comfortable attire, you briskly moved down towards the living room. Picking up your phone you walked back up the stairs, you were afraid the more you stopped to think about what you were about to do, the more likely you were not to do it.

Crawling beneath the duvet, you cuddled up beside Toby on your side. Unlocking your phone you typed in Bella's number, you were ashamed that you had stared at the number for so long that you had accidentally learned it off by heart.

What would you say?

Hey, bella, it's me a random texting you at night! How are you?

Hey! It's the girl that can't stop thinking of you!

Good evening Bella, it's the stranger who sat beside you on the bus.

Fuck. My. Awkwardness.

You envied Bella for her boldness. Perhaps if you had given them your number first, they would have to be the one to start the conversation first, not you.

Pondering it some more in your head, your thumb began moving around your keyboard once again.

Oh my god

Oh my god

Oh my god

The moment you pressed 'send' you regretted it immediately.

''They're going to think I'm such a weirdo.'' you groaned. You ruined all imaginary chances you had with Bella.

"why do I do this to myself?" You whispered.

★★

"I take offense! I give great advice!"

"right. And how exactly has that ended?"

"I literally get called 'daddy' everyday by people on the internet."

Bella rolled their eyes knowing Pedro could see it as they were on FaceTime.

Bella rested their chin in their hand as they continued to listen to Pedro's rambling. Laying on their bed whilst on call with Pedro was one of their favorite ways to spend their evenings, especially when moments like these were rare considering both of their busy timetables.

Bella's eyes briefly looked up at the incoming notification before going back to Pedro. Only when the realization fully hit them a second later did she do a double take. Suddenly sitting up on her bead, Bella reread the notification over and over again in disbelief.

It's was a message from an unknown number.

"hey, it's y/n."

A simple three word text that meant the absolute world to Bella. Their heart was beating like crazy at the thought of you. Bella could imagine your face in their mind right now. You standing there looking all pretty.

Bella smiled widely.

They were terrified that they had scared you off, creeped you out by showing up at your work and giving you their number before they ran off. And when you hadn't texted them earlier, it confirmed their thoughts in their mind. It saddened them, thankfully they managed to call Pedro at a time when he wasn't busy. Bella had managed to avoid the thought of you and the possibility that they had ruined all imaginary chances that they had with you.

Until now, now it was all they could think about.

"what's got you all smiley then, huh?"

"nothing, hey I gotta go-something came up-"

"Are you blushing!" Pedro accused whilst he laughed at his friends reddened face.

"no-i have to go bye!"

"hey you didn't answer my question -"

Call ended

Bella rolled onto their stomach as they opened their messages, clicking on your text. They felt all giddy inside, like they were a child again.

Quickly they typed out a response.

Bella bit their lip anxiously as they continually read over their response waiting to find something wrong with it.

"Please don't think I'm a weirdo" Bella whispered desperately to herself.

★★

You squealed once you read Bella's message.

There was no getting rid of the smile on your face.

Immediately you started typing again.

This time you felt a little less nervous about texting Bella, the nerves were replaced with excitement.

The 'sent' changed to 'seen' immediately. You watched with anticipation as the three dots moved.

You giggled. You knew Bella was referring to seeing them act on the show. You must admit the urge to ask a trillion questions about their acting career and each of their characters was strong, but you didn't want Bella to see you as some overbearing, nosy fan.

You were laughing now. Everytime you read another of Bella's texts, the more your face reddened and the fluttering feeling in your stomach multiplied.

You let out a breath.

You hoped you hadn't fucked everything up now.

Please don't think I'm a weirdo

★★

Bella's whole face was red now.

They smiled widely as they kept reading your messages.

You knew who they were!

The thought made Bella excited. A different sort of excitement, almost proud in a way.

You thought they were cool!

Bella laughed in joy and partly because of the flustered feeling they got from thoughts of you.

Play it cool Bella

Bella hid their face in their hands, dropping their hold on their phone instantly like it was lava.

Now matter what, their smile was not ceasing and neither were their giggles or butterflies in their stomach.

--

[jerzwriter]

Something New

Book: Open Heart (Post Series)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC, F!OC x M!OC

Rating: Teen

Words: 2,100

Category: Fluff

Summary: It's a special day for Ethan, and his daughter, Emma, has a big surprise in store for him.

A/N: Alexandra Lenarychyk is my FC for Ethan & Kaycee's daughter, Emma. She recently posted a photo of her and a friend as children and now... and this idea was born. I hope you enjoy it. @choiceschallenge-may2023 | falling in love, childhood friends.

It felt like the rain hadn’t stopped all week, and Kaycee officially had enough. As she white-knuckled the steering wheel to avoid a large puddle in the middle of Storrow Drive, the meteorologist speaking on the radio nearly did her in.  

… one more inch of rain, and we will have a record! And trust me, we’re getting at least another inch of rain today! This will officially be the wettest week in Boston’s history!

“Of course it is! I’m glad he’s so happy about it! But this is just….”

While Kaycee was becoming increasingly flustered, Emma was unphased. Blissfully smiling at a text she just received, it seemed like nothing would dampen her mood. But as her mother began spiraling, Emma slipped her phone into her pocket to offer an assist.

“Mom,” Emma interrupted. “It’s going to be OK. The party is still three days away. Let this rain get out of the way now.”

Kaycee turned to her daughter with a weary smile.

“But Emma, it’s supposed to rain Saturday, too.”

“So? Does the venue have an indoor space available?”

“It does,” Kaycee sighed.

“Well, there you go.”

“But it’s not as nice and… I want this to be perfect for your father. We all do.”

“I understand. The Ethan Ramsey finally agreed to retire….”

“Well… retire as much as the Ethan Ramsey can,” Kaycee laughed. 

“True. I’m still astonished he even agreed to this party!”

“There may have been some arm twisting involved,” Kayce chuckled. “The Board really wants to honor him for all he’s given to Edenbrook through the years, but he would never agree to it. That’s why they called me in.”

“Smart move,” Emma grinned. “No one can convince him to do something like you can.”  

“Or you,” Kaycee replied. “You’ve had him wrapped around your fingers since the day you were born!”

“So, you see! We’ll both be there, and everyone else Dad loves will be, too. That’s all that matters in the end. It will all work out, Mom. It always does.”

Kaycee squeezed her daughter’s hand as they approached a red light.

“You are a smart young woman,” she beamed. “Your parents must be so proud of you!”

“Yep. They taught me well.”

~~~~~~

All that worry was for naught; Saturday arrived, and it couldn’t have been a more glorious day. The sun shone in the azure sky, and not a single cloud was found on the horizon. A delicate breeze wafted the scent of roses through the air, and no wonder, it seemed every bud on the Eastern seaboard was adorning the patio where Ethan’s retirement reception was being held.

Emma was sitting alone at the table, nursing a glass of rose. She couldn’t help but smile as she watched her parents in the distance, laughing, socializing, even dancing… she had never seen her father so at ease. If only the same could be said for her. Her eyes anxiously ricocheted between the entrance and stealing quick glances at her phone. The pattern repeated until, finally, a warm glow spread on her face. A tuft of dark hair was all she saw at first, but she didn’t need anymore to know that it was him. Before he even saw her, she was at his side, playfully pulling him behind a flower wall and lovingly peppering him with kisses.

“Emm… mmm.”

She silenced him with a kiss, and as much as he wanted to pull away, he knew resistance was futile. The man was putty in her hands. Still, his warm cocoa eyes shot open when he remembered where they were. He had to retain some control, at least for now.

“Emma…” he whispered, gently pushing her away. “What are you doing?”

“Isn’t that clear?” she sang in response. “I’ve missed you, Julio.”

“It’s only been two days,” he smiled as Emma mocked indignance.

“Are you saying you didn’t miss me?” she pouted.  

The young man couldn’t keep a straight face but managed to keep his laughter low enough to avoid attention.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re impossible, Emma Rose?”

“Mmm, frequently. But you love me this way.” With a playful kiss, she nudged him forward. “Come on, let’s go join the party.”

While Emma was happily on her way, Julio turned pale as a ghost. Reaching for her hand, he brought her to a halt.

“Emma… you’re sure this is a good idea, right?”

“What?” she questioned with a tilt of her head. “Julio, we’ve been best friends since second grade. My mother invited you personally… how could there be a problem?”

“The problem is… I’m not just your best friend anymore.”

“Oh, that’s a problem,” she winked coquettishly, and Julio looked like an impish schoolboy once again.  

“I’m glad you find this so amusing,” he snickered. “Just promise you’ll visit me after your father lands me in the hospital.”

“Mmm…” she hummed with a wicking grin. “At least Dad’s retired now, so you won’t have to worry about seeing him. Uncle Tobias or my Aunt Sienna will take good care of you after you’re admitted.”

“It’s so much fun being in love with a comedian,” he smirked. “You know, if law school doesn’t work out for you, it’s a valid career choice.”

“I agree. But seriously, Julio. Six months is long enough to keep what we have under wraps. It’s time to let the whole world know.”

“I agree, mi amor. But… maybe your father’s retirement banquet isn’t the best time and place to make the announcement?”  

“Well, it’s not like I’m telling him before his speech,” she grinned. “That would be stupid. My Mom is going to be over the moon.”

“Yes… and your dad is going to kill me.”

“My dad loves you,” she laughed.

“Your Dad loved your best friend, Julio. He loved the little boy who always ripped the cheese off his pizza to give to you because he knew you loved it so much. He loved your friend who jumped in to take you to the prom when whatever that asshole’s name was….”

“Roy.”

“Yes! When Roy stood you up at the last second. He loved the man who hopped in his car to drive from Hopkins to Princeton in the middle of a blizzard just to make sure you were OK after your accident.”

“Well, he did think that last one was a little idiotic.” She put her hands on her hips and did her best Ethan imitation. “Son, while I appreciate what you did. But Emma was already safe, and you could have been killed!”

“I could have been,” he said, brushing a stray curl from her face. “But did he think I could hear that my Emma was in the hospital and I wouldn’t move heaven and earth to get to her?”

“Mmmm, but I wasn’t your Emma then,” she teased.

“You were always my Emma.”

Overcome, Emma leaned forward, and the young couple’s lips met in a passionate kiss. It wasn’t that they didn’t care that two hundred of her family’s closest friends and colleagues were on the other side of the wall… but, at that moment, they were the only two people in the world. Emma pulled back and lovingly gazed into his eyes for a moment before kissing him again. Lost in a world of their own until…

“Ethan!” Kaycee signed with relief. “I’ve been looking for you! It’s time to make your speech, and…oh….”

Emma’s body froze; she tucked her head into the crook of Julio’s neck and prayed that her alarm would go off and ensure this was just a dream. But her boyfriend's racing heart, and her father’s screaming silence made it very clear… it was not.

“Oh, shit,” she muttered softly.

An astonished Kaycee bit her lower lip and looked nervously between her husband, daughter, and the young man who wanted the Earth to swallow him whole. Her heart was thundering for a second, then she broke into the biggest smile.  

“Juilo!” she beamed, pulling him into a hug. “I’m so glad you were able to make it! And just in time for Ethan’s speech!” Kaycee turned to Ethan, imploring him with her eyes. “Isn’t that wonderful, Ethan?”

But Ethan hadn’t heard his wife’s words, nor anything else. He looked even taller when he stood like this, erect, face set in stone, seething in uncomfortable silence.

“Uh, Ethan,” Julio fumbled. “Congratulations… sir… I’m really glad I could be here for….”

“I bet you are,” Ethan bristled.

“Dad,” Emma jumped in. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this. Julio and I planned on telling you both today after the party. It’s just that….”

“…he had to paw my daughter like a wild animal during one of the pivotal moments in my life first.”

“Oh, Ethan, for heaven’s sake,” Kaycee groaned with a shake of her head.

“It was a kiss, Dad! It’s not as if we were getting naked!”

“Emma, please think of better words….” Julio shivered.

“How long?” Ethan snapped. “How long has this been going on?”

“For six months,” Emma replied.

“For six… for six… for six months you’ve been sneaking around behind our backs?”

Kaycee moved next to her husband and nudged his arm. “Ethan, our daughter is twenty-two years old. Can you stop acting like this… it’s embarrassing.”

Ignoring her, he stared daggers at Julio. “And you kept this from me?”

“Ethan…” Julio started.

“I think you should revert to calling me Dr. Ramsey.”

“All right, Dr. Ramsey…. I really wish we could have told you the way we planned. But trust me, Emma and I didn’t want to disrespect or hurt you. It’s just… we’ve been best friends most of our lives, and before we told everyone, we just wanted to be sure….”

“Sure of what?” Ethan interrupted.

“That this was it. That we were really… in love…,” Julio took Emma’s hand. “I love your daughter, sir. I think I always have. I regret that you found out this way, but I don’t regret loving her. I don’t regret the last six months, though I have some regrets that it took us both so long to see what was right before our eyes this entire time.”  

Ethan turned to his daughter with sadness in his eyes. “You kept this from your Mom and me for six months?”

“Oh, Ethan, stop!” Kaycee spat. “Shall I drag Alan in here to tell them how long we were together before you told him?”  

“Kaycee,” Ethan whispered. “This isn’t the time….”

“It’s exactly the time. Ethan… this is wonderful news!”  Turning to Emma and Julio, she squealed. “Oh my God, you tow…. You’re in love?”  

“Mom, I’m so in love and, Dad, Mom is right… this is wonderful. You always told me you wanted me to find someone who would love me the way you love Mom and… well… I have.”

“She has…” Julio whispered. “I swear.”

Kaycee wrapped her arms around the young couple. “You know there is no one in the world that we’d rather see Emma with! This is the best gift you could have given us today…. Right, Ethan?”  

Ethan’s shoulders visibly dropped as his expression softened, his eyes meeting Emma’s, and he swore she looked like she was six years old again when she smiled at him.

“I suppose… I suppose it could be worse,” he mumbled.

“Kind of like she looks appropriate?” Kaycee mocked.

“Thank you, Dad.”

Ethan stepped forward and embraced his daughter. “I am happy for you, baby. It’s just hard to accept that you’re not my little girl anymore.”  

“And here I would have thought paying four years of tuition at Princeton would have handled that?”

“You had inherit your mother’s sass, didn’t you?”

“Would you have had it any other way?” Emma giggled.

“No,” Ethan smiled, tears welled in his eyes. “That’s exactly how I hoped you would be.”

“Good! And Dad, I’m grown now… but you know I will always be your little girl.”

“That’s it,” Kaycee said, handing Ethan a tissue. “Make him cry before his speech, sweetheart.”

Ethan approached Julio and extended his hand, and when the young man went to take it, he pulled him into a hug.

“I’ve always liked you, Julio, and I am happy for the two of you. But after my speech… we’re having a talk.”

“Absolutely, Dr. Ramsey.”

“Please… let’s go back to Ethan.”

“Gladly,” Julio smiled.

“Now, I hate to interrupt this love fest, but you have a speech to give, dear. Let’s go!”

“Yes, dear….” Ethan sighed. 

They began to walk off when Ethan turned around. 

“Emma… Julio… would you like to join your mother and me on the podium?”

The young lovers looked at each other and smiled. “We’d be honored,” Emma replied.

Kaycee wrapped her arm around Emma and gushed. “Tonight, you are giving me all the details, young lady… I mean all the details!”

As the two women walked ahead, Ethan put his arm around Julio.

“I still plan on talking to you after the speech,” he assured.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Julio laughed.  “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

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