#breathing as a metaphor to describe being free of fear

[qoldenskies]

I just realized the irony of Leo referring to Donnie as "the breath in his lungs" in Miner's Eulogy. Why do you do this to me

maybe leo can keep donnie's heart beating, but donnie can't clear leo's chest; leo is breathless with shame

[the20thangel]

The Shocking Prize for the Raven Knight.

Summary: While attacking a Green camp, Benjicot finds the missing Targaryen!reader princess that the Greens managed to kidnap and frees her. As they return to Kingslanding, Rhaenyra surprises everyone with the choice of gratitude she wishes to bestow on the lord for saving her daughter.

Word Count: 2.1K

Masterlist

Benjicot led his men through the Lannister camp, going through the men like they were training dummies. Red and gold fell to his men, red and black proudly waving Queen Rhaenyra’s flag. Pathetic, he thought, these Lannister men were like their lord, a loin with no claws or bite. 

As his men continued fighting through the Lannister, Benjicot focused on the second part of his mission. He was finding the lost princess. He received a raven about how Rhaenyra’s daughter was taken during the Battle of Gullet after Prince Jacaerys was killed. The princess's dragon died during the battle is killed, similar to Vermx, Prince Jacaerys’ mount. This forced the princess to be held captive and was going to be essentially sold as a prize to Prince Aemond. Luckily, the prince perished Under God’s Eye from Daemon. So the captive princess was held now as a war prisoner, trying to see how much they could get away before returning her to her mother, who grew more and more desperate to have her daughter back at her side. 

As he weaved through the camp and tents, he got worried, not finding any Targaryen princess and trying to remember the appearance he described. Black hair with violet eyes. It should have been hard to find since Lannisters were known for their golden blond hair, not black, but no princess was still in sight. As he grew increasingly stressed about not finding a princess, he saw one more tent in a lone corner towards the end of the camp. 

Quickly scanning his surroundings for any knight, Benjicot ran to the tent flap to see someone kneeing at the ground, their head covered by a veil. He knew from the structure that it was a woman kneeling. Walking towards the figure, he tried to be silent, not wanting to alert any knight outside. As he slowly reached her, he placed his hand on her shoulder. 

“Excuse me, my lady-” 

Benjicot was interrupted when suddenly the mysterious woman turned, reaching for his dagger. She tripped him as he tried to block her, making him fall to the ground. He felt a weight on his chest as he looked up. Seeing a beautiful maiden with black hair and violet hardened eyes glaring at him as she held his dagger to his throat. His breath was physically and metaphorically taken away from him. Queen Rhaenyra’s daughter was a force to be reckoned with. 

Once the princess heard footsteps coming to her tent, she feared it was that awful Lannister lord or Aemond. She decided she would rather die trying to kill them and freeing herself than being taken by those dreadful men. As she attacked the knight and went to stab him, she was blocked, forcing herself to notice the red and black colors. Recognizing them as House Blackwood, the princess quickly stood up from his chest, allowing Benjicot to sit up as he stared at her with wonder. 

“My apologies, my lord. I have wrongly mistaken you for a Lannister or Aemond.” She apologized, moving a hand to him and helping him stand off the ground. 

Not releasing her hand, Benjicot assessed her for any damage to her body; seeing she looked healthy enough, he sighed. Queen Rhaenyra would be glad to hear her daughter was safe and sound. 

Benjicot smiled, bowing and kissing her hand, “No, my princess. It should be I apologizing. Knowing that enemies are around this camp, I should not have sneaked behind you.” 

The ebony-haired princess smiled at the lord, “Then, as long as we both accept our apologies, there should be no bad blood around us.” 

As Benji was about to speak, they both heard a shout from the entrance, seeing Lord Jason staring at them red-faced. Huffing in anger, the Lannister lord yelled as he charged towards the young duo. Benjicot braced for him, raising his sword as the two began to duel with the dragon princess stalking around them. Benjicot grinned widely; this lord was clumsy in his sword fighting, quickly finding the upper hand as he slashed Jason Lanninser on his legs, causing the golden loin to yell in pain and sink to the floor. As Jason glared at Benjioct, he spat, claiming how his brother in Kingslanding would make House Blackwood pay for treason—going further in saying how he will have two beauties, Aly Blackwood and the princess. Making Benjicot stiffen in anger, but before the Lord of Casterly Rock could continue in his word rampage, he was cut off by a dagger slashing his throat. This caused the lord to choke on his blood, flopping down on the ground with a thud. 

In shock and wonder, Benji raised his sight again as the princess sneered at the dead lord. 

“He disgustedly talks too much; I have grown tired of his moronic speaking. The realm will be relieved to be rid of him.” stated the princess, using her trousers to wipe off the blood from the dagger as she returned it to Benji. The Raven lord grinned, shaking his head. 

“Keep it, princess, you have a talent with the dagger; let it keep you safe on your journey home.” explained the lord, smiling at seeing the princess grin back at him. 

As the lord and princess sneaked out of the tent, they saw that the Blackwood men were joined by the Stark men, leading to victory over the greens. Smiling, the princess greeted Cregan Stark, who clapped Benjicot for finding the princess and exclaimed that he was glad the princess was safe and sound. Aly Blackwood introduced herself to the princess, asking her to join her in her tent to refresh before they made their way to Kingslanding. 

The princess furrowed her brows, “Kingslanding, why not Dragonstone?” 

The trio paused, forgetting that the princess could not know how the war was transpiring. 

Benjicot stared at the group before sighing as he turned to the princess, “Your mother, Queen Rhaenyra, has been able to take hold of Kingslanding from the greens. That is why Jason Lannister seemed desperate. He clings that his brother Tyland could lead a rebellion against your mother from the dark cells. He is wrong.” snorted Benjicot in the hilarious thought of the Lanniesters. 

The Princess nodded, relieved her mother was well and finally able to reclaim her throne from Aegon and his green harpies. Grinning, she expressed her desire to travel as fast as possible to Kingslanding; she wanted to reunite with her mother quickly. As they planned, it was decided that Benjicot and the princess would ride together, seeing how battles still needed to be fought closer to the storm lands and crownlands. Traveling with a vast army would only cause a larger target on the princess. 

The Princess changed her clothes to House Blackwood to try and become unrecognizable to any allies of Aegon. As she exited the tent, she greeted Benji, who once again had his breath taken away from her beauty, especially when she saw her in his house's colors. 

“How do I look, my Lord?” questioned the princess teasingly as she spun around for him. 

Gulping, Benji smiled at the princess, his cheeks heating up, “A true beauty, my princess, but may I ask for you to call me Ben.” 

Laughing at his cheeks, the princess replied, “Very well, Ben, please call me by my name rather than my princess.” 

The two leave in the cover of night, hoping to reach the red keep in a few days. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Queen Rhaenyra walked with Aegon and Joffrey, a servant quickly came and handed her a raven. Pausing, she quickly opened it once she saw the House Blackwood sigil on it. Rhaenyra gasped in delight. Her daughter was found safely and was in due time to arrive in her arms. Her darling jewel, she raged for days after hearing that Jason Lannister had her captive. She would finally be back to her side, grinning. Rhaenyra shared the news with her boys, laughing as the two young princes rejoiced at being reunited with their beloved sister. 

The day after, Rhaenyra was waiting by the steps of the Iron Throne; the court was buzzing in, seeing the Queen glowing with joy as they eagerly awaited the princess's arrival. As the throne room doors opened, people gasped, seeing the dragon princess walk in proudly wearing House Blackwood clothes with the lord of Raventree Hall grasping her arms and leading her to the Queen. 

As the duo paused before the queen, Benjioct released his princess, moving back a step as he bowed to his queen. Rhaenyra grinned in gratitude at him as she embraced her daughter, whispering how much she missed her. The Princess nearly returned her mother’s embrace, finally letting herself relax. She was safe, and she was home, all thanks to Ben.  As they separated, Rhaenyra called for the court's dismissal. She invited Benjicot for a luncheon but did not allow him to decline, so she walked away, dragging her daughter out. The princess rolled her eyes as she turned back to him. 

“Come on, Ben, join us, please,” pleaded the princess, grinning as she saw him following. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I wanted to thank you again, Lord Blackwood, for bringing my daughter back to me safe and sound,” the queen praised, grinning as she saw him flush red.

Benjicot could feel his cheeks heat up again, not used to being praised by a queen and princess. 

“I would gladly do it again, my queen; it is my honor to serve you.” he shyly spoke, blushing more as both mother and daughter giggled at his shyness. 

“Isn’t he the sweetest mother? Instead of puffing his chest in pride, he is humble in his actions, becoming nervous from praises.” teased the princess, laughing when Ben turned to her with mock betrayal, playfully glaring at her. 

Rhaenyra smiled at the sight; it seemed her daughter and the raven lord had grown close to each other. As the Luncheon continued, she grew more intrigued seeing how easily they spoke, jested with each other, leaving to each other's company. Not only that, but she also saw how he treated her sons. Aegon and Joffrey took a liking to the lord, asking him questions about battles and his sword skills, which the lord happily indulged the young princes every time. 

As the luncheon finished, the Queen stated she needed to think about specific events and that she would see everyone later at court. Bowing, the princess saw her mother leaving with her brothers. Turning to Ben, she grinned, enjoying that she would spend more time with him alone. 

As the two walked around, joking and teasing each other, they did not notice a dragon queen staring. Seeing their ease in each other’s company, she grew confident in her decision, turning away from the window. Rhaneyra allowed herself to become excited about the news she would share later. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once again, the court was gathered in the throne room. Rhaenyra noticed her daughter finally switched from Blackwood clothes to her Targaryen gowns. She grinned, seeing how Benjioct stared at her daughter with a particular look in his eyes. Facing back to her people, she greeted them. 

“My good people, it is with great pleasure that we celebrate the return of my daughter, your crown princess, home safely.” 

The crowd cheered and clapped joyfully as the princess bowed to her mother. 

Rhaenyra raised her hand, asking for quietness as she continued to speak, “But if it were not for the hard works of Houses Stark and House Blackwood, our princess would have been still lost in the hands of the greens and their allies. Lord Blackwood, please step forward.” 

The crowd again cheered as the young lord stood infront of his queen, kneeling respectfully. 

“Lord Benjicot Blackwood, thank you for bringing my daughter home safely. House Targaryen will always be grateful to House Blackwood… to show my gratitude, I have decided to honor you in a great alliance.” 

The crowd quietly gasped, wondering what alliance and prize would the queen bestow the young lord. 

Smiling, she turned to her daughter for a second before returning her gaze to Benji, “I am proposing, my lord, to create a strong alliance between our two houses in the form of marriage. It is my greatest pleasure to propose my daughter’s hand in marriage to you and you to be her future prince consort.” 

Both princess and lord snapped their eyes to the queen, widening in shock as the crowd gasped—marriage…. a marriage between the raven lord and the beautiful dragon princess. 

Slowly, the princess smiled bashfully, turning her head to Ben, who turned to her, staring and smiling at each other… marriage, they wouldn’t mind marrying.

[frogs00]

Try

Chapter One: Be Not Afraid

Summary: Janis is slowly healing, and finding her way back to Regina.

(Janis has the inner monologue of a poet and the soul of a warrior.)

Notes: Comments are appreciated, will be posted on my AO3!

Be not afraid; Do not fear. That implies that there is something to be afraid of. 

Janis had always found the concept of a biblically accurate angel fascinating. She was not religious; she just found them interesting.  She found it funny. Glorious humanoid creatures, beautiful wings, perfect faces, and an all-righteous nature that brings warmth and comfort, that's how people describe angels.  When in theory, humans would find angels terrifying because they would not be able to comprehend their eldritch forms. Perhaps, it is that angels are spiritual creatures who exist outside of time and space, so, recreating their image, complete with their heavenly light and presence as well as supernatural strength and force, wouldn’t be the easiest thing. It’s all so complex, complexity is something Janis adores. Because who truly enjoys normalcy? Sort of like High school, people will tell you there is nothing to fear when there is a divine being floating above your head that is supposedly unfathomable, and powerful beyond words could describe.

However, Angels are far from the best examples of high school. Considering there is nothing divine, nothing to look up to, nothing all-powerful, and nothing unfathomable about it. Although, there is fear, a lot of it. And then Regina George is the devil… A voice in her head whispered.

No, no she isn’t. Janis shook her head. She never was. And never will be...

She was her place of worship. _ Position your posture, stand still, and hold your breath. 

Don’t let them know you’re there. They truly are like animals some of them. That’s what Janis was used to, make herself invisible, they won’t bother with you if you’re silent. Whether you want them to go or stay, they won’t bother you. She learned that the hard way.

So that’s what Janis did when the Queen bee, or now former Queen bee approached her. Damian wasn’t here today so she sat in silence alone; Janis wasn’t sure how to feel about silence, sometimes she yearned for it, and other times it was unbearably loud. 

Regina approached her alone. Janis watched her come towards her, her head tilted down and freezing. She saw her shoes below the table; she was close. Had Regina stopped to talk to her? Or rather to metaphorically wring her like the cloth, free of every shred of dignity she held in her today. Then she felt a tap on her shoulder. How ironic it is that some ache for the gentle caress of a touch, while others dread it, as it brings back the remnants of their darkest memories. Janis did not crave it. Especially not from the blonde. She flinched at the touch and glanced up to see Regina’s hand pull back as if her reaction stung her like acid. And that could’ve made Janis smile because Regina's words were like acid to her,  acid rain that she found hard to avoid and slowly disintegrated her barriers like she always has been able to do. 

And if Regina reacted that way to her flinching. Maybe Janis’s dislike for her burned her like the blonde's words burned her soul. And that made her feel…missed? Ridiculous. Although, ridiculous was on brand for her.

She blinked back to her brief escape from reality then deadpanned, “Regina,” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement, or perhaps an observation;  The blonde was here so she said her name. What was socially acceptable, wasn’t it? 

Janis also made sure to keep her tone neutral, measurably neutral. She wasn’t scared of the blonde, or at least not much, not anymore. Janis feared many things, and the blonde wasn’t one of them, on a good day at least. Janis observed her silently, studying her with an eye of nothing but an artist. Her gaze traced the lines of her face, trying to pinpoint what the blonde may need before she even needed to part her lips to speak it. “Sit with us,” Regina paused, as if unsure of herself. It was unfamiliar to the brunette. "If you want.” Regina had added, as an afterthought. It was clear she wasn’t used to asking nicely for things, but it was also clear she was trying.

Janis was fine sitting alone, not that affected her decision, it didn’t. Without her her answer would be no, it would always be no. This wasn’t the first time Regina had offered or the first time the blonde tried to reconnect with her. Cady was sitting with them today, and she had offered as well. She declined, she’s only been around the former Plastics a few times and would rather spare herself the anxiety, so Janis is curious to see why Regina thought she could persuade her otherwise. “No, but why?” Janis spoke calmly, tilting her head in a cheeky and a tad condescending gesture. Regina’s face fell a bit but masked it with a small smirk that unexpectedly made her heart jump. “You look lonely.” That is what Regina said, but in a tone that made Janis want to… flick her in the forehead or something. She wasn’t quite mad at her, as she wasn’t on poor terms with the blonde, but she still felt that burning anger from everything simmering beneath her skin like hot oil. Like, if she were to cut it open, hot grease would pour from her skin instead of blood, and it would burn her as it dripped down her arms. They had been staring at one another wordlessly for two minutes and thirty-four seconds. Janis was wasting their time on purpose. “I’m not, so why?” Janis lied; Loneliness never left her, but in the moment, she was content. 

Another thing about her was that she enjoyed confusing people; it was her favorite thing to do, and it was working, as Regina had paused. “Why?” Regina echoed. “Why,” Janis confirmed, her voice suddenly tense. Why. She had a lot of questions for the blonde that started with that word.

Why do I have to feel like this? Why do you always do this? Please tell me why. You said what you said, and you did what you did; there is no going back.  And she'll forgive, she’d even forget. Why? She wasn’t sure.

Why.

Yet it would take lifetimes for her to get the desired answers, and she knew that, so instead she said, “Why should or would I sit with you?” “Because I want you too,” Regina stated simply as if it were easy for her. Janis wishes it were that simple.

“People get tired of me.” Janis countered. The only people she thought truly tolerated her were Damian, Cady even, and perhaps her mother on a good day. “I won’t,” Regina whispered…

Janis’s jaw clenched. Liar. “Yes, yes you would.” Janis looked away, inhaling deeply. Breathe, Janis. Breathe.  She wishes that was true, but it was a fantasy. A fantasy in which Regina didn’t grow tired of her, and they stayed together, and everything would be alright. 

Fantasies may not last, so she just clasps them softly in her hands like a firefly, a speck of light in the dark, that allowed their brief isolation. Freedom and hope bloom in uncertainty, as her mother would put it, and God was Janis uncertain as hell.

“Janis, are you okay?” she heard Reina speak to her softly and looked back up, Regina looked like she was going to apologize. Janis couldn’t handle that, because then maybe she’d let her in, and then perhaps Regina would slice her way out of her chest cavity. “I’m fine, so you can fuck off, “ Janis glared at her, just as Regina went to respond the bell rang. Just as she had timed it, just as she had planned. 

She stood, scoping up her stuff with practiced ease and sliding past the blonde who had now fixed her a concerned look. 

Janis let out a sigh of relief, the coil in her chest that was always ready to spring loosening. 

She slowly walked to her next class with a feeling buzzing through her that could only be described as anxiety, or maybe it could be described as another thing, she was quite sure. But it was familiar, all too familiar. 

The rest of that simple day passed in a blur, a colorful blur that fell behind her eyes and absorbed into her brain like water into a sponge.

_

Janis has been here before, sitting there in her room. I wish I was seen for who I am. She thought softly to herself, gazing up at the ceiling, but she doubted that could ever happen. 

Why can't you just see me? She blinked a few times as tears started to make her vision blur, turning to lay on her side. All this time wasted. 

Just look at me. Her mind begged; but if you were to ask who to? She’d have no real clue. 

Why do you ignore me? 

She wanted to scream.

 Just listen to me! 

She sat up, yanking at her hair and shutting her eyes tightly, forcing herself to be

She wanted her thoughts to be quiet. She wanted silence, she didn’t want all this noise. She tried to think of something soft, something happy. 

She recalled when she was six years old, she did what every six-year-old did. She played outside and felt in a nearly unexplainable way, that she had no worries at all. She remembers running around barefoot then whining as her mother plucked splinters from her feet, she remembered screaming in joy as she ran through the sprinklers on a hot summer day. 

She hadn’t noticed, but she had relaxed, everything felt less tense. The brunette’s feelings were complicated, she never could manage to explain them to anyone and how complicated they truly were. The enormity of this endless paradox of feeling, which has disgusted her to her core seems to shrink to the point where it seems to be pointless to even talk about it.

But wasn’t everyone feeling that way?

She sat up straight, sniffling a bit and wiping her damp eyes, she tried her best to not let real tears fall. It made her feel weak, and Janis Imi’ike was far from weak. When she was younger things were simpler, when her family was happy, before her dad became an addict, before he had hit her mom and her, before they were forced to run away. She swallowed thickly, shaking her head, it was a way of grounding herself, ridding herself of those thoughts.  She hadn’t even realized how late it was getting till she started seeing moonlight peek through her curtains, the pale light dancing along the floor in a thin line like the lines that marred her skin. Pale and faded.  She walked over to the window, pulled open her curtain, and gazed upwards. As a small child, she adored the moon and the stars, she felt a baffling desire to be close to them. When she got older, though, like every growing creature, felt the overwhelming urge to know everything.

She always knew was curious.  She also knew people like to pretend that they know everything. Well, one person cannot know all that there is to know. Some people just know more, than others do. She thought to herself. She often felt like she knew too much, and learned too much, yet I knew so little about things that really matter.  She laughed almost bitterly to herself, staring up for a while longer at the moon, It was almost perfect, but it too had its craters.  The moon and sun had always, or at least since she was eight and had first met Regina, reminded her of her and the blonde, because like the moon, Janis had flaws. And like the moon, she —or at least she used to— needs REgian to shine. And Regina was her sun, her glorious sun that blazed brighter than anything from her view. That warmed her skin made her day brighter, and was larger than life. But if you got too close, you got burned.

_

Janis laughed as her back hit the grass with a soft thud and she turned to look at a faux irritated Damian, shaking her head, bemused, “You..you told your mom that?” she cackled, boy was she happy her friend was back.  “Okay, okay. I get it! You’ve been laughing forever,” Damian rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help but laugh as well and joined her in the grass. “Okay, but you told your mom you have a thing for-” Damian clasped his hand over Janis’s mouth so she couldn’t finish her sentence… just to be bitten, albeit softly, yet he still yelped and smacked her. “Janis Imi’ike!? You’re gonna give me rabies or something!  I do not want you weird lesbian-gremlin disease!” Damian scoffed, rubbing her hand on Janis’s jacket while Janis kept laughing. Damian let her laugh it out for a while, her giggles slowly dying down. Janis had spent a full three days away from her best friend due to Damian being sick, of course she brought him food but Damian flat out refused to let Janis near him because of how easily Janis got sick, and how it would’ve been even worse for the small girl. “So,” Damian hummed, watching as Janis gazed up at the clouds with hooded eyes, “sit with the plastics?” Janis truthfully wasn’t listening, she had retired to the freshly cut grass lawn, the tension in her head from the stress of the day falling away. Softly thinking about how she wished she could lay dead like the flowers, all day long. How free it would be, to live like a dead flower or leaf or even litter, dancing in the breeze and being swept away. And one day my body may lay motionless on the ground, with all the hungry vegetation growing around me- “Janis?” Damian snapped in her face and she blinked up rabidly.  

“Huh?” “I asked if you sat with the plastics.”

“No, I haven’t,” Janis responded awkwardly, she just didn’t feel comfortable around them, especially if it was just her and Cady, she needed her emotional support gay if she were to be around the former Plastics, she had been around them, but Damian had always been with her.  “Why not?” Damian asked, soft and curious. There is that word again. Why.  Janis picked at her nails, then shrugged and laughed nervously, “I dunno…” She did know. And she knew he knew as well.

Fear.  Simply put at least, because she felt the need to be tightly bound and stone cold around her.  Because when she smiles my heart swells…

Yet, with the swelling comes the ache.  As though she was stitched together from both longing and fear,  the threads fraying at the edges.  Maybe she’d be made from colorful thread, at least. 

She chuckled at that thought. Then paused and looked up and Damian who was staring at Janis like the enigma she was, “I want to try.” “Try what?” Janis paused in thought, try what exactly? Then it came to her, and she spoke it with a confidence she had to summon from her chest, “Try. Try and make friends, expand our social life, and be happier. And to forgive Regina. I want to try.”

“Okay, Jan. Let’s try.” Damian smiled at her, a puzzled smile but one of affection.

Janis smiled back, then lay back down and closed her eyes, letting it all sink in. She always felt like eyes were burning into her, they stared at her with curious, or maybe judgemental eyes. As if her skin held secrets they were too afraid to uncover.  

But what they call a flaw is simply the outline of a story they’ll never know. 

Or rather one yet to be told.

[this-is-a-name-dont-worry]

Couldn't help but go read the wikipedia page to see if there was fun stuff :)

For starter it's a type of hornet that you can find a bit everywhere in the world, seems appropriate for the QSMP!

"This species stings in response to being stepped on or grabbed, but generally avoids conflict."

"European hornets are largely carnivorous and hunt large insects [...]. Mutual predation between medium-sized hornets and the Asilidae (robber flies) is often reported." (-> possibly metaphoring the Federation?)

"Workers enforce sterility on one another in a strategy known as worker policing. Workers either physically destroy worker-laid eggs or discriminate against those workers that attempt to lay eggs." (-> feels important as the worker policing behavior is actually uncommon for most of these hornets. Also eggs destruction by the workers :) )

"A European hornet flew into the spider’s web and appeared entangled. The hornet cut free a captured insect (possibly a eumenine wasp), wrapped in silk, from the spider’s web. The spider did not attack or interfere with V. crabro while it was stealing its prey." (-> again, something that feels relevant)

"Unwarranted fear of V. crabro has often led to the destruction of nests."

"European hornets hunt many species of insects to feed their larvae. While many of these insects are considered to be garden pests, European hornets also prey on western honey bees (Apis mellifera). However, they do not typically pose a threat to healthy western honey bee colonies [...]. Some beekeepers in Europe may keep hornets and their nests in specially designed boxes hanging on trees, on the premise that the protection they provide against wax moths is worth the occasional bee they may prey upon." (-> metaphor, they mostly attack garden pests aka those linked to the Federation; attack western honey bees but if the colony is healthy it'll be fine, aka attack sometimes the islanders/the eggs? but if everything is going ok the islanders/the eggs? will be fine; beekeepers may keep them because the protection against a specific specie is worth the loss of some bees, aka islanders may not fight them/may work with them, because the attacks against the Federation are worth breaking a few eggs (amazing saying btw). Speculating of course.)

"Most cases of stings from V. crabro do not require medical attention, but rarely can be serious. A documented case requiring treatment displayed symptoms including tingling at the site of the sting, headaches, and shortness of breath. [...] The mechanism of the described attack is still undetermined, but the victim was possibly abnormally susceptible to vespine stings." (-> the Codes and their infection?)

The Resistance base that Etoiles has visited multiple times (in addition to being the name of the waystone, this is also referenced in one of the books inside, AFAICT as the name of the location) is named after the latin name of the European hornet, Vespa crabro.

Jot that down. Could be important.

[saphflare]

C!magic 💔👻👽 and then maybe?? 🦾 (only if you have any ideas)

I will admit, I don’t think I have a great grasp on many characters other than c!Owen.  But I will try my best ✨️

C!Magic

💔 An angsty headcanon

Magic has a hard time eating after the pumpkin incident and it mainly manifests as a loss of appetite and feeling nauseous from certain foods/textures (a lot of which were served during the Feast). It gets better and the others help her through it, slowly reintroducing food in her palette. But she just can't tolerate the smell of pumpkin without feeling bile rise in the back of her throat, and will avoid the pumpkin patch in the community garden.

===

👻 A headcanon about what scares them (angsty as well not going to lie and got a bit long haha)

Magic doesn't like cramped spaces, she doesn't, just doesn't like them. Mmm well that actually wasn’t correct, it wasn't necessarily the physical smallness of a room that bothered her, she been in Graecie's bunker, crowded in Dandelion's pen to sleep next to them.  Been down in the mines and had to squeeze a bit past some of the tighter tunnels.  She could always find her way out, there was a door, a opening or another tunnel that she knew she could leave through back into open air.  She never really knew why.  But learned quickly enough of this phobia, whatever it was, from a light-hearted prank that quickly went sour.  Magic remembers Mae getting her out and holding her shaking body, giving reassurances that she was safe.

Perhaps then, the better way to describe it was that she didn't like it when she couldn't move, when she was restrained and was struck somewhere she couldn't clamber out of. The feeling of being confined in her own body, unable to do anything.

So when Bekyamon pins her down and forces her arms together, she thrashes as hard as she could against the rope.  It doesn’t work.  And she is screaming for this traitor to let her go, please let her go, don’t leave her up here (in here).  Bek doesn’t listen.  Something tight in her chest, and Magic feels like it could burst and collapse into herself. She doesn't like it and her body is trembling and it shouldn’t terrify her more than the fact that she had found out Bek had selfishly let their friends die.  That her friend was a murderer.  But in that moment, she could hardly breath and she could feel rope tying her down to an open grave.  She watches the sun set and waits for doom that never arrives, drowning in her fear.  She doesn’t notice the sun rising or when Owen cuts the rope, Graecie holds her and tries to tell her that she is free.

(Magic sees Spidey leave, but she feels the grip of her hand burning into her shoulder and arms like chains.  She sees Owen shouting at her and asking her questions she doesn’t have the answers to, and she feels like she is backed into the metaphorical corner.  And she starts to remember that terrible place.  Those concrete walls she was trapped in and the uniform they made her wear, and that agonizing sensation returns.  Dread so familiar closing around her, Magic starts to remember why.)

===

👽 A headcanon about a weird quirk

Sometimes she just ends up suspended on high places by her legs and hanging upside down. Magic could be standing against a wall, starting a conversation with someone and end up dangling from a branch as a more comfy spot to talk. Basically like a possum. She doesn't know why, no one knows why, but hey it happens.

===

🦾 A disability headcanon

After Magic fell and needed to be rescued by Owen, she couldn't walk for a bit as it would hurt the leg she fractured. She could use her crutches, but long distances across the clearing was an issue. So she ends up borrowing one of Graecie’s cows and rides around on it, while her leg was healing. Owen helps lead the cow sometimes when they needed to get to some places and Magic couldn't convince the big fella to move. After her leg healed, she still takes some rides when her leg aches too badly to walk or just for fun.  The cow basically becomes her support animal.

[marvelousbutterfly]

quick fic of autistic!peter getting an injection for whatever reason and being scared and tony comforting him the whole time? please <3

Here you go, anon! Thank you so much for your request and your patience, I hope you enjoy this!

To those who have also sent requests, I'm working on them!

Read on ao3

Rating: General Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Minor Characters Summary: "Pete, let's just do it. It won't take long, then I'll take you out for ice cream if you promise not to sue anyone" Tony tried.

The boy seemed to consider the proposition, but the sight of the needle being prepped by the nurse made him wince.

"I don't like needles" he whined in a small voice, flapping his hands.

----------- or in which Peter is afraid of needles, and Tony is soft for his kid.

"No, no way! You're gonna let them do this to me, Tony?" Peter squealed dramatically.

"Come on, buddy, it's good for you" the man responded.

"How can that be good for me? I know a few lawyers, I'll sue you!" he threatened, only half-jokingly, and Tony tried not to roll his eyes.

"Pete, let's just do it. It won't take long, then I'll take you out for ice cream if you promise not to sue anyone" Tony tried.

The boy seemed to consider the proposition, but the sight of the needle being prepped by the nurse made him wince.

"I don't like needles" he whined in a small voice, flapping his hands.

Tony's expression softened, and he squeezed the boy's shoulder comfortingly.

"I know, buddy, I know. But it's gonna be good for you, you remember you had some vitamin deficiencies last time you had a blood work, so they have to check again, along with all that other medical stuff" he reasoned.

"I know, but needles are awful. They're the root of all evil" the boy responded dramatically.

"Sure they are. Now, hold out your arm, look away and hold my hand" Tony suggested, "Everything's ready, they're just waiting for you" he finished, gesturing at the two nurses who were patiently waiting, and shooting them a grateful smile.

Peter looked pained, almost as if he was about to cry, but it seemed that he had decided to pull the metaphorical bandaid. He placed his left arm on the support next to his seat, then stretched his right hand towards his mentor, looking at him through tear-glazed eyes. Tony didn't waste any time before taking the boy's hand in between both of his, planting soft kisses there.

"It's gonna be okay, I'm right here," he assured, knowing that Peter's fear of needles was real, despite the boy's own jokes, and that according to him, they were a bad sensory experience.

One of the nurses carefully started applying the alcohol swab on his inner arm after describing it step by step, but Peter still flinched, squeezed his eyes closed and tightened the grip on his mentor's hands. The man, in turn, caressed the boy's hand with his thumb, whispering reassurances in his ear.

"You're doing great, baby, you can do this. It's okay, it's gonna be okay."

He babbled the entire time, trying to ignore the way his heart broke at the cry Peter let out when the needle went into his arm, then out. Still, he couldn't ignore the tear that rolled down his kid's pinky cheeks.

"It's okay, it's over now. You did it, good job, buddy" he comforted the boy, squeezing his hand and planting more kisses there.

As soon as he heard those words, Peter started rocking back and forth, trying not to flap his sore arm, in an attempt to get rid of the unpleasant sensation.

"You're free to go now, Mr. Parker, but you can stay there for a minute to take a breath" the nurse said gently, "Do you feel light-headed or nauseous at all?"

Peter took a while to process the words, but he still felt too overwhelmed to answer, so he turned to look at his mentor. Tony looked back with a soft expression.

"Do you feel nauseous?" Tony asked, breaking down the nurse's question. The boy thought for a while, before shaking his head. "Do you feel light-headed?" the man then asked, stroking the boy's hair as a way to both comfort him and bring his attention to his head so he could more easily tell if he felt any odd sensation. After a few moments, Peter shook his head again.

Satisfied with the answer, the nurse then nodded and left the small room, giving them some privacy so the boy could recompose himself.

"Good job, buddy, you did great today" Tony praised, once again stroking the kid's hair. "Whenever you feel ready to go, just let me know. But take all the time that you need."

______________________________

Turns out Peter needed about 15 minutes there, before he nodded at Tony, signaling he was ready to leave. He was still shaky and upset, but the sterile smell of the clinic was becoming too much.

Tony guided his kid by the shoulders to the car that was in the parking lot outside the clinic. He had been the one driving, so as to not bring even more attention to a situation he knew would already be stressful enough for Peter. He kept whispering reassurances and praise to the boy, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly.

Peter could still feel the needle making its way into his inner arm, and the area around his elbow, where the object had been inserted, still bothered him with an unpleasant sensation, but it was slowly - really, really slowly - improving.

He still felt unable to speak and had a hard time processing what he heard, still feeling overwhelmed with the entire situation. Tony seemed to sense his sensory discomfort, and didn't waste any time before handing the boy his ear defenders, which blocked most of the sounds while still letting him hear what was spoken close to him.

"Let's go home now, buddy" Tony said as he finally started the car, though he stepped on the brakes again when he saw Peter's expression directed at him. "What is it?" he asked.

Peter was looking at him with his puppy dog eyes, eyebrows lifted and mouth in a tight awkward line. Tony playfully squinted his eyes, looking suspiciously at the kid, knowing he was trying to ask for something sheepishly.

"Do you want that ice cream I promised you now?" he asked, and the boy's face lit up. Tony couldn't help but chuckle fondly at the kid. "Okay, let's take a detour to the park then," he said, "we can have ice cream while watching the ducks, what do you say?" he suggested, and Peter instantly smiled, flapping his hands.

______________________________

So that's how Tony ended up in a park bench, having a chocolate and mint ice cream cone as he watched the ducks on the lake, while Peter had his chocolate and strawberry cone inside a small plastic bowl, as the duo had predicted that he would take longer to finish and the ice cream would melt all over his hands - they knew that from experience, or experiences, more like.

Peter scooped his ice cream with a spoon happily, swinging his legs back and forth, while Tony gathered all the napkins he could to wipe the boy's mouth and hands once he was finished. The man shook his head and smiled fondly at the boy, realizing he had been watching the kid more than the ducks. He really had Tony wrapped around his ice cream-covered finger.

[otptings]

Flowers

☽ Requested; Yes

☽ Idol; Jungwon

☽Word Count; 3.3k+

☽ Genre; Hanahaki (lots of mentions for it) Friends to Lovers, slight Angst

☽ Warnings; Self deprecating thoughts, mentions of hanahaki disease, slight blood, lots of cringe flower metaphors

☽ Synopsis; Date night has been a monthly tradition since before Jungwon debuted in Enhypen. This is your first day out in months with Jungwon, but somethings different about this one. Is it the fact that he's an idol now, and all of your activities happen in empty establishments that have been bought out by his management, or is it your newly returning feelings for Jungwon that threatened to choke you out, causing dark violet flowers to spew out of your mouth at every interaction with him?

☽ A/n; The zoo I am describing for this is the Honolulu Zoo because that is the last one that I've been to, so if some of the animals aren't in Seoul than I apologize for that. Hope you enjoy this and sorry for taking so long on this request I had so many ideas of how to pull off the dates

You trusted Jungwon. It came easily like breathing, only a natural side effect developed effortlessly over 5 years of friendship. Days spent laughing and telling jokes, venting to each other about worries and stresses, studying for hours the night before tests. With someone as generous, and lovable as him it was easy to trust him with your life. He has also used this to his advantage, convincing you to do questionable things with a flash of his dimples. Like now, allowing him to lead you down the streets of Seoul while blindfolded. Completely at his mercy.

"Are we close? My feet are starting to hurt. We've been walking for hours." You whined as Jungwon pulled you around another corner. You've lost your sense of direction 4 turns ago, and he seemed to keep on going. "Why couldn't your manager just drive us the whole way? You had to have him stop super far from wherever you're taking me?" Jungwon just let out a laugh and gently squeezed your wrist. . His hand surrounding your wrist was comforting and grounding, a reminder that you were safe with him.

"We're almost there I promise. And if I would've done that it wouldn't have been a surprise now would it." You humphed knowing that Jungwon was stubborn when it came to things like this.

"You always do this. It's not fair, your ideas are always so much fancier than mine." Jungwon let out another laugh, and you didn't have to see him to know his expression. Eyes probably scrunched up, his dimples greeting the world as he laughed at my pain.

"It's not my fault that I love you so much. Plus I always want to do something special with you." Confusion flooded your mind while your heart skipped multiple beats at his words.

In the same sense of truth, feelings were natural too. Flowering in your chest with every sweet action he did, never wanting a reward for it just doing them because that's the kind of person he is. Packing extra food in his lunch box knowing your tendency to forget your own. Cupping your cheeks while he wiped away your tears, listening to you rant about your sorrows or broken hearts. Pulling you close to his chest afterwards, massaging the back of your head knowing how bad your headaches get after crying. Arms wrapped securely around you as he whispered calming words into your ear, a sense of security and comfort blanketing you while listening to his heart beat. Every gentle, caring and loving action made the flowers grow.

When Jungwon told you about his plan to audition for Be-Lift one part of you was selfish. You wanted him to stay, turn down the biggest opportunity of his lifetime, continue being only your Jungwon. That part was tiny however; and you squashed down those bitter feelings. You were absolutely ecstatic for him, having been the one to even push him towards the auditions. Stayed up hours at night to watch him practice, seeing his confidence grow tremendously the weeks leading to that fateful day.

When he got accepted you both celebrated the great news. His parents held a dinner in his honor, and his family sat around the table, congratulating him and his accomplishment. At first you were happy for him, overflowing with joy that your best friend had passed the biggest audition of his life. But as the day got closer you had to hide your heart break, smiling despite the tears you shed at night. Knowing that he was going to leave you soon.

The night before he left for I-Land was the hardest one, cuddling into his side while you laid in his bed. The last time in a while you would be in his room like this, only the two of you and the quiet of the night. You didn't sleep the whole night, only savoring the feeling of Jungwon holding you tightly, the last night of him being yours. Your best friend. Your first love.

Your Jungwon.

For the first time in 5 years you were apart for longer than a couple weeks. During this time the flowers started to wilt. You were grateful, ecstatic. Of course you missed Jungwon terribly, tuning in every Friday to support him. Eyes watering every time you watched him perform , pride prevailing over any negative emotions you could have as he confidently took the stage. When it was revealed he had made the debut team you had wailed, preening at your best friend's accomplishment knowing that his hard work paid off.

When Jungwon came home to visit your feelings were gone. You didn't feel the twisting in your chest when you hugged him, tucking your face into the crook of his neck as you both cried. Pulling away to look him in the face your heart didn't flutter at his smile, you only relished in the feeling that your best friend was back.

You thought your feelings had wilted into piles of dust and blown away. Not having seen him for months of course that'd be normal. You had thought your feelings were gone for good when you started to see him more frequently and they still hadn't returned.

You were wrong.

"Are you okay bugs?" Snapping out of your daze you realized that Jungwon was standing directly in front of you, one hand cupping your face and concern in his eyes. You nodded your head, cursing yourself for being getting so distracted.

"I'm fine bunny." His eyes scanned your face once before he leaned back, letting his hand linger.

"You know I just worry about you sometimes." Dropping his hand to his side he turned dramatically, switching the topic and gesturing at the box office in front of us. His manager was there waiting for us, underneath the gigantic sign for the zoo. "But I knew that you missed the zoo since we haven't gone in a long time. So I actually convinced management to rent it out for us for 2 hours."

Practically leaping into his arms you wrapped your arms around his neck, a huge smile spreading across your face. "Thank you thank you thank you!" Pulling away you saw his facial expression mimicking yours, dimples proudly on display and bunny teeth prominent.

"Come on, let's go." You giggled as you grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the gate. After getting your wrist bands - just for the experience - you downloaded the digital map and headed into the zoo ecstatic for your day with Jungwon.

♤♠︎♤

"Come on bugs, just look at the snake." You shook your head vehemently, trying to yank your hand free. His fingers only tightened around you wrist as he attempted to convince you to look at the giant snake in the glass enclosure merely 3 feet away from where you stood.

"Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Jungwon." You whined out his name, refusing his outrageous request.

Snakes were definitely a no for you. Especially a boa constrictor that can grow up to 13 ft long. The one they held in the exhibit was only 5 ft, but it could always become bigger. What would even need to get that big? Any animal that needs to be 5+ ft is a menace to society, and only here for evil. You'd already catered to Jungwon enough in this godforsaken reptile and amphibian section. The frogs were cute, absolutely adorable with their big glassy eyes, hanging on to the glass. Lizards weren't a big deal either, some of them over 3 ft long, lazing about their enclosure, enjoying the surprisingly warm Seoul day.

"Isn't this supposed to be a special day for me? Why would you make me see a stupid snake? They don't even have arms, that's so weird and creepy." Jungwon let out a laugh before pulling you over to him, a squeal leaving your lips as your back met his chest, and his arms wrapped around you. At the slightest display of affection you stopped fighting him, feeling the vines squeezing around your heart painfully, before he started to walk forward and you remembered where you were. Fighting for your life.

You tried to plant your feet in the ground to prevent Jungwon from forcing you to see the snake, but he only lifted your feet from the ground as you cursed the stupid Be:Lift gyms. His manager stared in amusement from the corner, his phone out to record the two of you and undoubtably show it to the rest of the members.

Another loud squeal left your mouth as Jungwon brought you right in front of the glass enclosure, the snake was sitting in the corner but slowly started moving towards the two of you, as if you had fascinated it. You turned your head, placing it in the crook of Jungwon's neck as you squeezed your eyes tight. Ignoring the fear that coursed through your body knowing that the snake was only separated by a thin layer of plexiglass.

"Bugs just look." You only shook your head, "I promise the snake won't hurt you as long as I'm here okay? You know I'll always protect you." Jungwon's soft voice cut through the fear, and you sighed knowing that you were falling into another one of his traps. You turned your head while taking a deep breath before opening your eyes, being met with the face of the snake.

With Jungwon's constant flow of reassurance in your ear you took a good look at the snake. The snake was against the glass, falling back down before slithering up again. Its eyes were wide open and almost looked like doe eyes, black and glassy as it stared at you. The scales were a pretty pastel yellow, mixed with white, resembling a banana cow. You were so distracted admiring the snake that you both jumped when his manager suggested you should get along, and walk further into the park. You felt your heart clench painfully as Jungwon stepped away from you, a blush running up his neck and spreading over his cheeks as he quickly walked to the next exhibit not bothering to wait for you.

♤♠︎♤

"I think this is the best friend date we've ever had." Jungwon spoke happily as you two walked out of the zoo gift shop, a red fox panda stuffed animal tucked safely in your arms. His treat since he refused to let you pull out your wallet and purchase it for yourself. You chose to ignore the flutter of your heart and rush of heat at the thought of this being a true date, your mind decidedly ignoring the word 'friend'. Your cheeks ached as you smiled. They've started to hurt after the amount of time spent joking and laughing while visiting the animals.

"It was. I really appreciated it. I've missed you, it's been so long since we've been able to hang out like this." Jungwon nodded in agreement, an uncharacteristically shy smile spreading across your face.

"Come on. The nights still not over, I have one more surprise for you." Jungwon tossed his arm over your shoulder as he led you to the car, excitement and surprise as you thought about what he could potentially still have planned.

Being ever the gentleman he opened the door for you, waiting until you were safely inside to close it and join you. His manager turned on the radio as he drove you two to the next destination.

"Don't tell me we're going to have to walk again? My feet are still dying from the zoo." Jungwon let out a laugh as he grabbed your hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of it as he intertwined your fingers.

"We won't have to walk too much I promise. Just sit back and relax, it shouldn't take too long to get there." You nodded your head before quickly looking out of the window, no longer able to ignore it.

The vines grew in your chest, clenching painfully around your heart, writhing and squeezing like a boa constrictor trying to capture its prey, crawling up your throat making you resist the urge to gag. Lungs filling with petals that swirled and fluttered around with every breath until there were too many, leaving no room to move around, just clumping together as breathes became sickly. Until you could no longer resist the urge to cough.

The sound of you hacking and gagging, the sight of a worried Jungwon when the first petal comes out. Dark violet petals fluttering out with every spasm of your lungs, some full flowers with stems still attacked, coated with a thin layer of maroon liquid, staining the pretty petals and tinging your pink sweater with spots of red, the bitter taste of the flowers mixing with copper. Your throat sore as the taste of bile rose alongside the rest of the petals, finally emptying your lungs. Filling the car until there was no room to hide from it, hide from your feelings. Hide from the predicament that you were in, feelings for you best friend, the rookie idol.

How could you be so stupid to believe that you could hide it? You were always so easily exposed to Jungwon. He knew you better than you knew yourself. What if he already knew and was just biding his time before he left you, the thought of your feelings disgusting him, being too much for him? He could surely find another best friend, one who wouldn't fall for him.

But could that ever happen? Someone not falling for him. It's easy to fall for his eyes, chocolate eyes that always saw right through you. That knew when you weren't feeling good and were trying to hide it. Dark unruly hair, never easily tamed but was so silky when you ran your fingers through it. Despite being called bunny he practically purred whenever you did it, causing your face to burn at the feelings that always resurfaced. Caring nature that assured he'd become the leader of his group, always wanting to care for everyone around him and make sure that they were happy.

You don't think it'd ever be possible for someone to not fall for him.

"Are you okay bugs?" You blinked realizing that the car door was open, Jungwon standing in front of you with the same concerned look that made you feel ashamed, and yet warmed.

Glancing around you realized you had imagined the coughing fit, drowning in the sea of your own emotions and being buried under a mountain of petals. It was all in your imagination, hanahaki didn't exist. How could it? If it existed you would surely be dead.

Shaking your head you waved off the question, unbuckling your seatbelt and quickly hoping out of the van.

"Of course. I'm perfectly fine, just feeling a little tired I guess. Must've gotten lost in my thoughts. Anyway, where are we?" Jungwon raised a brow at your rambling, knowing you only did it when you were nervous before choosing to ignore it and grabbing your hand again. You hoped he couldn't feel how sweaty your palms were, nerves taking over you at the realization your feelings and thoughts had run away from you again.

"Well I wanted to do something really special for you," You shook your head before cutting Jungwon off.

"The zoo was perfect Jungwon, you don't have to do anything else. Today was perfect already." Jungwon shushed you as he led you into the building, his manager staying behind. Leading you to the elevators he pressed a button before getting on, waiting for the doors to close behind the both of you before he continued to speak.

"You've supported me throughout this whole journey. Pushing me to audition when I was too nervous, and didn't think that I would make it. When I got accepted into I-Land you supported me even when I was leaving you in the middle of the school year, texted me every night to let me know that you were watching and were always rooting for me. Knowing how proud I was making you when the thought of me debuting wasn't official helped me work harder, and continue to push myself," He got cut off as the elevator dinged, signaling that you were at your floor. Jungwon pulled you off the elevator towards a set of stairs that led to a door labeled roof. Jungwon turned towards you, his face deathly serious causing you to get a lot nervous at the sudden sober move.

"Before we go out there I just wanted to tell you that I am grateful that you are in my life. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without you, constantly supporting me throughout everything. You are what has pushed me this far bugs, and I love you. You're my best friend and I owe you so much for constantly being there." You smiled, ignoring the pain in your chest. Of course he'd only think of you as his best friend, there's no way he'd see you as anything else.

"Of course Jungwon. You can't put it all on me, you worked hard to get to where you are. I'm proud of you because you constantly push yourself, not because you've been successful. You'll always be my Jungwon even if you wouldn't debuted with Enhypen, and I would've always been proud of you." Red dusted over Jungwon's cheeks as he smiled shyly, before opening the roof door and pushing you in front of him.

You were left speechless at the sight in front of you. Blankets laid out over the ground, picnic baskets placed in the middle to prevent the wind from blowing them away. Pastel pink flowers spread out being blown lightly by the wind but not leaving the roof. Fairy lights spread out emitting a soft golden glow barely recognizable under the setting sun. Clouds flitting over the pink, and orange sky. Adding on to the beautiful aesthetic of the set up.

What truly had your attention was the rest of his members standing around the blankets, signs being held out at arm's length. Their various expressions showed excitement, minus Niki who tried to look emotionally detached from the situation but was bouncing on his toes, practically jumping.

From tomorrow,

I'll protect you

All Day and Night

Now Lean on Me

Will you go out with me Bugs?

Hot tears pricked at your eyes, a thick lump in your throat growing. All of their expressions morphed into worry, Niki had even stopped bouncing on his toes, Heeseung glanced at Jungwon slight panic evident in his face. A loud sob left your mouth as you turned around and threw yourself onto Jungwon, tossing your arms around his neck. A nervous laugh left his mouth as he slid his around your waist, holding you almost protectively.

Jungwon pulled away from you, bringing his hands to cup your cheeks, attempting to wipe the river of tears away.

"These are happy tears right?" A weak smile spread across your lips, nodding slowly at him. Seeing his smile come back full force, dimples showing happily. Vines loosening around your heart for the first time in months, falling away as they disintegrated. Petals evaporating leaving behind only fresh air in your lungs, breathes flowing freely as you stared at Jungwon. Boba eyes staring back at you, only showing love. His thumbs stopped wiping as he leaned forward barely, glancing at your lips briefly.

"Can I kiss you?" You eagerly hummed, a soft yes being your answer.

Jungwon leaned forward, leaving space for you to back out if you were too overwhelmed. You met his lips, inciting cheers and groans from the members present, seeing their leader kissing his best friend. Your lips moved in sync, one more thing you guys did perfect together. You must admit, the taste of salt from your cheers, along with the dramatic cheers from his members did not make for the best first kiss experience. Especially for a first kiss that you had fantasized and imagined about for years.

Knowing that was only the first of many however, made it all the sweeter.

[blindingdutchy]

lamentation | ONE

{peter parker x fem!reader AU}

based on All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

SERIES MASTERLIST

word count: 2,725

warnings: thoughts of suicide! unsuccessful attempt! depression, grief, angst

18+!!! minors stay away! TRIGGER WARNING.

Nothing made sense anymore. The world was upside down, all messed up, and you were hanging by a thread. How could it have been a year since the incident? How could you be okay with being older than her now?

Grief is something that nobody expects to be easy, but you never expected it to be quite so hard. Every day people promised that tomorrow would be better, but it never was. It never got better. It never got easier. You were fairly sure it never would, because if it still hurt this bad after thirteen months, twenty-two days, and six hours, how could one more hour, day, month, or year bring any sort of respite?

It couldn't. It wouldn't. Sometimes you wondered if this was your punishment. Maybe you felt this way because you deserved to, because you had earned a life time of suffering when you let her die. Sure, big sisters are supposed to look out for little sisters, but at the cost of their life? That couldn't go unpunished.

Every day was the same since she died. Wake up, wish you hadn't, feel everything and nothing all at once, and go to sleep. It was a strange and horrible existence; people weren't meant to feel so many big things at the same time. The guilt, the shame, the anguish, the longing... it consumed every part of you like a black hole until you were left with nothing. Until you felt nothing, thought nothing, you were nothing.

They were all the same until today. It was your birthday, your eighteenth birthday to be exact, and for once that ever present black hole in your chest was gone. Instead of waking up to the constant weight of all those heavy emotions on your shoulders, you woke up with the familiar numb emptiness you felt at the end of every day.

There weren't words to describe how much that terrified you. Every single day since your sister died, you'd wished endlessly for those painful feelings to go away. You'd begged for relief, for peace, and you'd taken solace in the hollow of the evenings. Waking up already vacant and listless did not bring the comfort you dreamed of.

You were officially older than her. You'd finally reached that first milestone she'd never reach, and the thought of it punched a hole in your chest so large you wondered if there was anything left of you at all. It wasn't fair--how could you celebrate the big ticket birthday she'd yearned for so anxiously? You couldn't.

You didn't deserve to celebrate. You didn't deserve to achieve all those goals she never had the chance to. You didn't deserve to live through all the years, experiences, moments that she never would. You didn't deserve to live.

It was all your fault, after all. It was your fault that she was there that day, it was your fault she lingered behind, and it was your fault she died. If you'd just gone shopping like she'd asked instead of insisting on going to the park, she'd still be here. If you hadn't frozen like an idiot, she'd still be here.

With a mind swimming with all the reasons everything would be better if you just weren't around anymore, you snuck out of your bedroom window. It was finally dark outside; you'd managed to make it through the day for your parents. But, with the day over, you couldn't hold on any longer.

The letter you'd written for your parents to find was tucked under your pillow, and with one final glance around the bedroom you used to share with your sister, you made peace with your life. This was for the best. Everyone would be so much better off if it had been you instead of her, and now you were going to make things right. It wouldn't bring her back, but at least you wouldn't be there as a reminder of what should have been.

As ready as you were, you didn't really have a plan. There were a million possibilities as far as how you could execute your desires, but none of them seemed right. It had to be fast, though, and something that didn't require much work. If it took effort, conscious thought and execution, you wouldn't follow through. You'd learned that the last time.

That was how you ended up on the roof of one of the more swanky apartment complexes. It was a tall building, taller than those surrounding it, and a fall from that height would surely do the trick. Strangely, the moment your feet dangled over the ledge with your bottom firmly planted in place, your mind went blank.

All those thoughts of the stress and pain you caused went silent, and you finally could breathe. With a deep exhale, your body relaxed for the first time since the incident; you didn't feel any of the bad things anymore. There was no pain, no grief, no sadness, nor were there any of those empty or numb feelings. You just felt peace.

The peace was short lived as you looked down to the street far below, though. This was it, this was the end, and suddenly your mind was racing with all the what if's. What if it could get better? What if it didn't work? What if this made everything worse? What if this was a mistake?

What if, what if, what if, "Whatever, just shut up." you gasped, clutching your head in your hands to keep it from spinning. "Get it together, (Y/N), this is the right thing to do."

Pulling out the letter you'd written to your sister, you opened it and cried for the first time in months. You'd long ago stopped crying; despite how many horrible things you'd been feeling, the tears just never came. But reading the words you'd written to her, thinking of her as you came to terms with your decision to join her, it was as if a metaphorical flood gate opened.

Thirteen months, twenty-two days, and seven hours. You couldn't wait any longer. You couldn't do it, do anything, anymore; you just needed to rest. The clock was running out, and your time was up.

"You can do this." you whispered, "For once in your life, do something right."

With shaky hands and weak knees, you scrambled up onto your feet and stood atop the ledge. You weren't that tall, but somehow the new perspective made the drop look so much longer and your stomach heaved with fright. Sobbing, you stumbled back to your knees and threw up the little bit of cake you'd forced yourself to eat earlier that evening.

You wiped the sick from your mouth and stood up again, this time with panting gasps for air and knees that shook so violently you feared you might fall before you were ready to. Maybe that would have been for the best, though, because the longer you looked down the more doubts you had. No one would ever know it was an accident if that were the case.

A sudden noise behind you startled you, and your heart seized in your chest as your knees gave out and you tipped dangerously over the edge. You didn't fall, though, because a sticky substance latched around your arm and dragged you back over until you were laying on the roof. For a moment you just laid there, staring up at the empty sky where the stars were all drowned out by the city lights, and you tried hard to figure out what had just happened.

"Are you okay? Oh--oh my god, are you hurt? What were you thinking? Shit, oh shit, Karen, what do I do?" A masked head leaned over your face, blocking the starless sky from your view, and all the feelings came flooding back like a tsunami. "Um, can you hear me?"

One feeling stood out against the current, and your body tensed as you were overcome with seething, white hot rage. An anger like you'd never felt before; you were furious. How dare he stop you? How dare he ruin everything?

It was Spiderman, the friendly neighborhood hero who'd been gallivanting around Queens for some time now, and that made you even angrier. Spiderman was one of them, one of the ridiculous superheroes who'd killed your sister without a single care in the world. He was one of them, and he'd just stopped you from finally fixing everything they had ruined.

You stood so fast you nearly threw up again, but you swallowed the bile down and hissed, "You should have let me fall. I wanted to fall."

Spiderman pulled you back with a firm grip on the web that was still wrapped around your arm, stopping you in your tracks as you stomped back toward the ledge. "Hey, stop! I'm not going to let you do this." he shouted, but his voice was more nervous than commanding.

"Get out of here, Spiderman. You're not saving the day by stopping me, okay?" you snapped fiercely. No matter how hard you pulled against the webbing holding you back, you couldn't break free. It didn't budge when you pulled at it, clawed at it, or even pried it. "What the hell is this shit?"

He pulled you in further, and you stumbled over your feet as you tried to keep your distance. "I'm not going to let you do this. You don't need to do this." he repeated, this time more firmly.

For a moment you were silent, studying the masked hero as he stared back at you with a hidden face. "You don't even know me. Why do you care?" you tried again, but your voice was softer, more fragile. The numbness was creeping back in again and you knew that you wouldn't be able to follow through anymore, even if he let you go.

"I do know you, (Y/N), and you don't need to do this. We can--I can help you. Let me help you."

Your eyebrows furrowed as you narrowed your eyes suspiciously. How the hell did he know your name? Did you know him? Even though your mind was running wild with unanswered questions, you seethed, "You can't help me. Unless you can go back in time and kill me instead of my sister, you can't fucking help me."

The eyes of his mask widened at your shout, and he stammered, "I--no, I can't do that, but I can help you. I can be your friend, you... you can talk to me. I know what it's like to lose someone, (Y/N)."

You scoffed, "Do you know what it's like to watch a family member die right in front of you? Do you know what it's like to see someone get killed, and it's all your fault? You can't help me!"

"I do, actually." he stated.

Your entire body slumped at the revelation, the anger leaving you as the numbness finally took over completely. It was silent for a few long moments as you cried noiselessly, the only sounds being those of your still frantic breathing and the bustling traffic far below. "If you know, then you know why I have to do it." you whimpered.

Spiderman dropped the web keeping you in place as you collapsed onto your butt, your legs too weak to support you anymore from exhaustion. "I know why you think you have to, but I also know why you're wrong. This isn't the answer." he responded, tentatively taking a few steps closer to you.

You didn't respond, looking up at him as you wiped your cheeks and nose weakly, and he took the chance to continue, "I'm going to make you a deal. I'm going to take my mask off and show you who I am. If you still want to do it after, fine, but at least you'll know who will be blaming themselves afterwards."

True to his word, his fingers creeped under the edge of his mask as he stared you down intensely. Your breath faltered as you watched, completely still as you realized he was serious. Spiderman was going to reveal his identity to you, and you knew that once he did it was game over. As much as you felt the world would be better off without you, you couldn't bare the thought of leaving someone behind to feel the way that you did.

So, stubbornly, you squeezed your eyes shut tightly and refused to look. "I'll wait here all night if I have to. Besides, I could just say my name, you know. I'm pretty sure you know me too."

"Don't." you pleaded.

"Open your eyes, (Y/N). You want this, right? Knowing who I am shouldn't change anything, then." he urged, his tone soft despite his harsh words. "It's Peter. Peter Parker. I've sat behind you in at least two classes since freshman year, and I've lent you pencils before. You always give them back, and you always let Flash copy your homework even though he's a total dick to you. You--"

Your eyes snapped open as you cut him off, "Stop! Just because you know things about me doesn't mean you know me."

It really was Peter Parker, and the numbness faded a little to make room for anxiety and guilt. You knew Peter had lost too much in his life; his parents and his uncle, too. Could you add your name to that list? Could you jump when you knew he'd blame himself for the rest of his life?

You couldn't. You wouldn't. Peter's brown eyes were filled with worry and sadness as he studied you, his mask clutched tightly in his fist. When you remained silent, he sat down and spoke quietly, "I know enough to know the world would suck without you. I could be your friend, you know, you don't have to do this alone."

"I don't need friends." you huffed.

Peter frowned briefly, before rubbing his nose and hiding it again. "I did just tell you my biggest secret, (Y/N), so I think we kind of have to be friends now." he finally rebutted, a faint twinge of humor in his voice, "You might not want friends, but you do need one. I'll be your friend."

You stared back at Peter blankly, uncaring as he shifted uncomfortably in your silence. Why did he want to be your friend? He already got what he wanted. You weren't going to go through with your plan, and he wouldn't have to live with guilt like you did every day. So, why was he still here?

Part of you wanted to believe he really cared, because he seemed to pay a lot of attention to you to notice the little things you did, but you knew better. He didn't really care about you. He only cared that you knew his secret and now you had leverage over him. You could out him if you wanted to, and that meant he had to keep tabs on you.

"I don't need friends." you repeated stiffly, "Don't worry, Parker. Your secret is safe with me."

His eyes widened as he stammered, "That's not--"

"Save it, Peter. Can you please just get this shit off of me so I can go home? I want to go to bed." you cut him off with a deep sigh, gesturing to the web that was still hanging from your arm.

He looked like he wanted to argue, to further plead his case, but after a few moments he visibly wilted and gave in. "It'll dissolve in two hours. I'll... I'll see you at school, (Y/N)."

It was a statement, but it sounded more like a question. You knew he was still hesitant to let you out of his sight, fearful that you'd go back on your word and follow through, and this was his way of confirming you wouldn't do just that. Achingly stretching up off the ground, you muttered, "Yeah. Bye, Peter."

Peter tugged his mask back over his head, but didn't make any move to leave until you were opening the door that lead back into the building. As you stepped through the threshold he gave a forlorn wave, before jumping over the ledge and swinging away. The door shut behind you as the weight of the world settled on your shoulders once again. You'd failed, like always.

[mybg3notebook]

Gale Summarised Analysis

Disclaimer Game Version: All these analyses were written up to the game version v4.1.104.3536 (Early access). As long as new content is added, and as long as I have free time for that, I will try to keep updating this information. Written in May 2021.

The majority of sources used for this article are in the game itself (this includes my Gale-solo playthroughs as well as a combination of the videos by munmomuu and selphie1999), and the few dev’s notes provided by pjenn. Gale as origin is not taken into account since it’s not finished and has little to none Gale-related content. There will be little datamining content as well since pjenn said the game contained almost no gale-related notes (only in the Weave and in the Revelation scene).

Additional disclaimers about meta-knowledge and interpretations in (post)

The number between brackets [] represents the topic-block related to (this post), which gathers as much evidence as I could get.

We can infer about Gale by analysing what he approves and disapproves of. Sometimes, we can even lightly infer some information from his neutral reactions, but let’s be honest: this way of analysing a char is pretty poor since it leaves everything to speculation. Neutral reactions can only be analysed, in very rare instances, by contrasting the same situation in other contexts, and seeing what other options Gale approves or disapproves of. With these considerations in mind, we can proceed to describe this character.

Disclaimer: this is a meta with my personal interpretation of the character, sticking as much as possible to the facts and leaving little to “desires” or “projections” of what I want him to be. If I do so, I will state it explicitly in the text for the sake of analysis honesty. I want to be clear about what is canon (facts shown in bg3 EA), from what’s personal interpretation with little proof.

Understanding Gale (integrated text)

We are none of us monsters. We are merely hatcheries for monstrous things. So we fight them

---Gale 

Collecting most of the information provided in-game, we know he has a cat, a Library, and writes poetry sometimes. One of the first things that Gale will reveal is that he is a private person. He easily and clearly sets boundaries from the first moment, showing Tav where they stand. The second aspect he makes us aware of is his pragmatic thinking and his preference for diplomatic approaches. A third aspect that stands out on its own: he is a very verbose person, maybe as a result of his academia background in combination with his poetry hobby. He also has a bad posture when talking, but I’m not sure if this is intentional or a bug.

We can assure that Gale certainly is a man of the city [13], and may have a decent social status. It's impossible to say for sure if it's noble or rich or both, or it is just a natural consequence of being a wizard scholar: he is frustrated by the harshness of the camping life, he misses the civilisation of the city which offers well cooked meals, soft beds, and scented baths. Not by chance he is the only companion in the group who would approve of giving Oskar 200 gold to fight “the discomforts of the road” [13]. However, he adapts. Despite the lack of luxuries, he managed to survive in the wilderness.

Gale and his link with magic is unquestionable. Magic is life for Gale, metaphorically and literally speaking since it's magic what allows him to stay alive despite the "orb" in his chest. If we talk about Magic, we have to talk about Mystra and the Weave. The Weave is not only the embodiment of Mystra, it's an extension of Mystra herself. It extends across many planes of existence and is in almost all parts of Faerûn. By dragging power from it, Magic can be performed. 

Mystra, for lore reasons and conjectures that I will discuss in the post "Mystra and her Chosen ones", turned teenager/young adult Gale into one of her Chosen, making their relationship more intimate and granting Gale a deeper access to the Weave. This put Gale into the category of an archwizard. It's clear that Gale was and still is a devotee of Mystra, which could give us a hint of his alignment since she is a neutral good goddess and she expects for her Chosen to align around it.

Gale likes confidence, in others and in himself. He is confident in his looks (he has described himself as a “handsome devil” and answered during the romance/Revelation scene that he knew he was beautiful under the light as well as Tav). But beyond these two lines, qualifying him as a narcissist seems extreme. He is surely very confident about his knowledge, and we see he is not just mere words: his Mind Flayer knowledge is at the the same level of what githyankis know. If we compare how Astarion/Tav struggled with the book of Thay, and then we see how Gale manages it (sadly the scene is not complete yet in EA, and there is almost no datamining info of Gale), we can conclude once more that his knowledge and power of the mind are real (he is, so far, the main companion who allows us to explore the lore of the game in a deeper way during his conversations). We also know it's a bit more complicated to intrude into his mind using the tadpole because he has knowledge and mental tools to protect himself (check the post about the Tadpole inside Gale). He is certainly a very verbose and confident scholar, who knows his limits, and in occasions he seems to dabble into an ego-teasing play as an attempt of levity, displaying his “insufferable side”, as he has described himself (his self-awareness of these traits is remarkable, and it is the reason why I avoid qualifying him as arrogant. Arrogant chars are hardly self-aware of their own bad manners or insufferable traits). But we can see it's usually done as a joke or, with an evil Tav, as an aggressive reaction. For a deep analysis of this aspect, check the post about "Gale Hypotheses- Part 2", section: "Narcissism". 

Based on his approvals and disapprovals, we can see that Gale has a strong preference in avoiding fights, violence, and bloodshed [1]. He will always prefer diplomatic and persuasive approaches [2]. Reasoning is his best weapon, but if the individual we are dealing with can hardly be persuaded, he would approve of a deception or an intimidation as long blood is not spilt. Here is where we see his pragmatism in action, all the time. His primary goal at every moment is to avoid bloodshed. His philosophy could be summed up in the line “the means [as long as they don’t kill gratuitously] hardly matter if the end is worthy”. And for Gale, nothing is more worthy than life [3]. This doesn't cover only the life of innocents he cares about, it includes the life of the most dubious characters as well, such as Rugan or Crusher. Gratuitous death is meaningless for him. During the scene of Nettie we can have a glimpse of his philosophy towards life: he viscerally hates treating life as if it were nothing: 

Gale: How dare she snuff out life with as much thought as snuffing out a bloody candle? […] It's not right to feel the cold breath of death in your neck, then move on as if it was nothing but a soothing breeze. One respects life by fighting for it, and one respects death by fearing it.

Gale: One should never be afraid to live life to the fullest.

Probably the limited amount of life he has due to the "orb" increased his sense of respect for life and its celebration. I personally understand Gale as a character who embodies the perspectives of a seriously ill person, knowing that their life may be short, but they will try to make the best out of it. 

He doesn't only respect life per se, he also cares about its dignity. This can be seen in his explicit rejection to undead existences such as Connor (he explains that it would be merciful to put an end to his undead nightmare), or in his disapprovals of humiliation and torture [9]

 We could suspect that this emphasis in protecting any life comes from the fact that only people who are alive can (sometimes) be forgiven or/and change. This is not explicit, but since he is a character who talks about being better and wiser than his previous self, about acknowledging mistakes, about forgiveness, this interpretation seems reasonable. 

These concepts of kindness and compassion combined with “the mistakes of the youth” are repetitive in his interactions and approvals [5,12]. Of course, they echo in his soul since they are reflections and desires of his own experience. This pattern covers forgiving children in particular [5], and disapproving hard judgements [16], especially on matters whose story is not fully understood by Tav. This means he doesn't like quick judgements when he doesn't know the whole story first. This scenario can be easily seen during Karlach's quest, he reserves his judgment until knowing Karlach's side: There are always two sides to each story.

Gale: I have to say I don't know if agreeing to this hunt was such a wise idea. Who's to say who's the real villain in this tale of devils and masquerades? [...]When we track Karlach down, let's chat before we chop.

Similar concept appears during his Revelation scene, when he encourages and keeps asking Tav to listen to him first before judging. This is also the reason why in his Loss scene he would disapprove if Tav quickly assumes that his loss of Mystra was due to arrogance. Tav judged him without knowing the whole story. However, once Tav knows the whole story, Gale will accept any judgement from them without approval penalties during the Revelation scene.

He approves all actions that imply helping others in hard times and disapproves of them if they were done out of greed [4]. He is an animal lover [6,7]. Being kind to animals and treating them good will increase his approval, while animal cruelty will earn his disapproval. Same goes for humanoids: any display of gratuitous violence that could have been prevented with a trick or a diplomatic approach, any humiliation forced upon others, any torture or situation of slavery, is disapproved [8, 9, 11]. 

In particular, Gale seems to advocate the philosophy of “give others their own medicine”[18] or in other words: poetic justice. We can see this during the Myconid colony; he approves of helping the Myconid to avenge the young killed by the Duergar, adding the comment: “Wicked killers deserve wicked ends”. He is implying to give them a similar, wicked medicine to the Duergars. Another less deadly situation of this kind is shown during the foot situation with Crusher: Gale is the one suggesting “pungent poetic justice” and telling Tav that they should force Crusher to kiss their feet. 

The most iconic scene, however, is during Nettie's, if Tav lies during her interrogation. As a hot-headed reaction, Gale states that he would have poisoned Nettie if this situation would have happened to him. Although, after calming down, he approves of and confirms Tav's actions [if Tav managed to persuade Nettie to give them the antidote]

Gale: A taste of her own medicine is what she deserves! […] But you handled it, and you handled it well. 

 In this scene we also see a pattern: Gale is shown as a fallible human; his most visceral reaction during the first moment is anger and indignation, giving us a hint that he is not so rational when it comes to emotional states. An extremely obvious, human concept. 

The scene of Nettie trying to kill a potential menace (the victim of a MF) reverberated in his consciousness, projecting immediately a fact in his mind: if he ever dares to reveal his "orb" problem, and anyone knows what a danger he represents—no matter how stable it looks—people will want to remove the menace by killing him. 

This is the reason behind his words “It's just that, had it been me... had it been...” Gale knows that this simplistic and common thinking in removing what's dangerous would end up turning into a more destructive tragedy in his case than in any infected victim of the tadpoles. So this combination makes us see, for the first time, an emotional Gale. After some seconds, he cools down and returns to his more rational, diplomatic, and moderate self. What we can read here is that Gale would be very prone to rush decisions or to make mistakes under emotional circumstances. We will learn later that the other mistake he made under emotional stress ended up with the "orb" stuck in his chest. A third mistake was done during the party, once more under the emotional stress of a potential abandonment by Tav due to the true nature of the orb. 

Everything related to the “orb”—which is his most traumatic experience—naturally makes him more emotional and prone to mistakes. To see how truly traumatic the "orb" is in his life we can notice the following patterns during the meeting scene: he speaks about the tadpole in a relaxed, rational way, despite the traumatising experience. He first asks for an archwizard instead of for a cleric, because his priority is the orb. Gale's main fear is not the tadpole, but the orb. If we remember his words after the consumption of the artefacts, we realise he lives in a permanent state of anxiety and raw fear, and probably pain too, given his facial gesticulation when anything interacts with the "orb" (whether artefacts or Tav's hand). His banter with Shadowheart reinforces the concept that he always has a knot in the stomach. When he accepts the deal with Raphael, it seems to be related to the orb, not to the tadpole. The effect of the "orb" has ceased, but the tadpole is still in Gale's head since we still need to roll against a high DC and not only against a 1DC during this scene, so we can assume he still has the tadpole despite Raphael's deal. See the post about "The Tadpole" in Gale for more details.

Gale is a character that represents human experiences deeply related to growing up: mistakes done in the past, and the acceptance of not being forgiven despite the desire of wanting to. This can be easily seen during the conversation of the second tadpole dream, where Gale's mood is foul and we learn that his deepest desire is for Mystra to forgive him, but he also knows it's impossible for that to happen. He detects the lie in this dream because he has accepted that Mystra will never forgive him. Gale is the story of mistakes done during youth with grave consequences, of acknowledging them and trying to make them right, of surviving those mistakes, and depending on the interpretation, he is also the story of an ill dying man, with a gentle vision and deep care for life. 

The great majority of his approvals are based on actions that show kindness and compassion, both reiterative concepts that are so important in his character that they come from his lips when we see the goblin party: 

Gale: The shadow within is spreading like poison, corrupting kindness and compassion. [Only after a tough DC of 15]

In combination with: Gale: I don't know myself anymore. All this... It's not who I am. Around you, I'm not who I want to be. I should leave. 

These lines show how, in a sudden change to an evil path, Gale would start doubting his own morality, explaining that the cause of it is the "orb" itself, corrupting the most core aspects of his personality. This corruption may or may not be lore-related. It's not completely clear what Gale's "orb" truly is. For more details, check the post of the "Orb".

 His constant critical thinking comes from his advocacy to non-conventionality [15]: a true scholar will always explore all the options and hypotheses before reaching a conclusion. Therefore, Gale would approve of any non-conventional way to fix a problem [15] as long as it doesn't potentially cause harm or bloodshed [1,2,3,8,9]. Due to his own background, Gale will always advise to be very careful of the consequences of one’s actions. This can be easily seen when, after encountering the caged goblin Sazza, Gale would advocate to explore the possibility of reaching Gut Priestess to cure the tadpole. However, when Tav helps Sazza to escape, Gale will comment briefly against this action.

Gale: I know I said it's not inconceivable a goblin priestess could help us. And yet... was it really wise to set another goblin free so she can arrange introductions? […] consider the consequences. What if she leads her entire tribe to the grove? Tav: I don't care, I owe this grove no allegiance. Gale: No allegiance, no. Though we don't need to sign its death warrant

Once more we see that Gale is up to using any (unharming) means to get a goal, but not at any cost. He has a clear line he doesn't like to cross: life [3]. Avoiding putting other people's lives in danger is very important for him. We see this concept over and over in most scenes.

He doesn't likerushed decisions, and in that same train of thoughts, he will disapprove any use of unknown magic or tricks when nobody in the group can truly understand how they work [17], for example the tadpoles or Raphael's deal (he is against accepting it quickly, but he will approve of having a more cautious attitude and carefully thinking about it). 

Since the moment we meet him, we can infer he is obsessed with the artefacts. It's obviously understandable: he doesn't want to die, but also, he doesn't want to kill all those that will be caught in the eruption of the orb. For this reason he will insist on the loot in the Temple Ruins despite knowing that grave robbery is not correct. 

Gale: Bad form, isn't it? Grave robbing? […] Let's have a look at the loot. It isn't for your pockets only. 

He keeps pondering life over death: although he respects the dead, he will always value more the living creatures in the present. This is also what pushes Gale to suggest Tav to open Rugan's chest. Stealing from the evil Zhentarins is not something that will weigh on his consciousness too much. Besides, he knows it belongs to a wizard: meaning that the chance for it to contain a powerful artefact is really high. Similar suggestions will be said about the Idol of Silvanus, but talking with him in the camp will show us that he won't approve of taking it, only as a last resort. He keeps pondering the living over a sacred piece of stone, since he knows the druids won't take the stealing very peacefully. Once more we see Gale's respect and care for life, trying to minimise damage as much as the circumstances allow him.

Gale is also a survivalist. He doesn't want to die, he loves celebrating life in its more mundane and small details. He is an emotional character for a wizard, a bit strange since they are usually portrayed as more rational and cold, losing their lives among dusty books. However, Gale has shown in many scenes that he prefers to survive without killing, but if he has to, he will do it, dealing with the weight of it in his consciousness because killing unprovoked affects him (scene in the camp after killing the druids, or the goblin party scene). 

His moral in preventing gratuitous death sometimes will conflict with his own survival, especially if he is by an evil Tav's side. He couldn't accept bloodshed when other peaceful options were available and possible to reach. This is clearly shown during the goblin party, where Gale's consciousness suffers and feels the corruption of the "orb" killing the kindness and the compassion inside him. He accepts that wanting to live is a powerful drive, but he doesn't support this massacre, questioning if all that blood was necessary. A Tav killing the tieflings seems to lose the possibility of pursuing Gale romantically, at least in EA so far. For Gale, survival is important, but the means to do it (when they can cause death) matter too. Life is worth preserving.

 The usual archetype of survivalist tends to be an individualist one who would survive at any cost without remorse because that's the “law of the jungle”, the strongest must survive. However, Gale seems to embody a different concept of survivalist that it's hard to put in words: a sort of communal survivalist, trying to survive in coexistence with his community: he wants his survival to imprint the least harm possible (even though sometimes it would not be possible), trying to help those around him as long as his condition allows it; for example, despite wanting Gut's potential cure for the tadpole, he would disagree in helping Sazza escape because she will lead the goblins to the Grove, no matter the fact that doing this will grant them their introduction to the priestess. 

His list of approval shows that his sense of survival is always pondered with the consequences that it can cause on others (check the post with the "Extensive list of Gale's approvals"). The whole concept of the "orb" has this motivation as well: he wants to live and survive, but he also can't give up because his body would kill many, so he needs to do as much as his moral allows him to keep it in check. If he cannot do it any longer, he promises to minimise the disaster as much as possible by erupting in the deep Underdark or in a desolated corner of Faerûn (and considering his ridiculous list of approvals and disapprovals, we know he is honest in not wanting to kill gratuitously). Gale acknowledges his own mistakes, trying—to the best of his ability—to deal with them without catching others in them. Although all his speeches keep emphasising that he is a mere human, and plans may fail. 

At some point, if he wants to survive “not at any cost”, he will be forced to ask Tav for help during the scene of the stew (available only for medium approval or higher). As a gesture of honesty, Gale will set a boundary before making this request, acknowledging its unfairness but giving Tav the decision to proceed or not. He is not denying to explain the details later, but at the moment he can't speak the “why” of his condition no matter how curious Tav is. Tav will decide whether they can keep their curiosity on the matter. 

We will understand later that this impediment comes as a precaution as well as consequence of his personal trauma with Mystra and the "orb" (See post about "Gale: Manipulation, Lies, and Trust"). So, he is very clear about setting the conditions in which this conversation will happen from the beginning. The easiest way for Gale to avoid this whole situation would have been by simply lying, but he opted for an honest approach with clear out-loud reservations, knowing he was asking for more trust than he was allowed to, but the intention behind is more than important. There is a clear, huge contextual detail that we can't miss: this scene doesn't happen because of Gale's whims, he is forced to ask for help since his condition “is not a patient one” and will endanger everyone if not kept at bay. 

This detail where Gale explicitly asks for an exchange of trust is not present if Gale's approval is neutral or lower. In this case, Gale would not care about giving a context to his strange request: he doesn't trust Tav and he doesn't expect to be trusted either, he only wants the artefacts to keep his condition in check for his sake and the sake of others. We can understand this change of attitude depending on the approval as he doesn't want to give any extra explanation to someone he is not interested in building a relationship with. For more details, check the post about "Gale: Manipulation, Lies, and Trust".

I personally support the idea that nobody in canon Faerûn is free of racial prejudices since Forgotten Realms lore has been created based strongly on fantasy racism. I've read that WotC wants to move forward and improve this aspect in 5e, but so far what they allowed Larian to do with the Tieflings in BG3 seems to show the contrary. So, since apparently we are going to face fantasy racism anyways, I will try to analyse racial prejudices from all chars. When it comes to Gale, it's a bit far-stretched to point out unjustified racial biases. He has a vague comment about Rashemi that some people may consider a faerunian saying. Personally, I think that line is a bias forced into him to have a particular dynamic with Minsc (the Rashemi “silly” companion -we all can see where Larian seems to go with this). Gale clearly sees tieflings, gnomes, and even goblins as people, and has a cautious attitude towards some githyanki (at least that's what we can infer with Lae'zel when we find her in the cage), but given the githyanki lore it's pretty reasonable to see them as dangerous creature that could kill people on the spot. So far, he seems to have no racial preference either [10]. 

As it was said before, he prefers to avoid killing people, but that doesn't mean he won't do it if his life depends on it. He will prefer persuasive and defusing approaches, but if he needs to kill to defend innocents or his own life, he won't hesitate. So therefore, stories about characters making mistakes or having violent excess in an effort to protect themselves or what they hold dear will be understood by him but hardly approved [19]. He tends more to approve a call out of that excess than approving an excuse for it.

Gale has deep abandonment issues that can be easily seen when he defends Astarion from being handed over to Gandrel. We need to put this in context before going on: for Gale, Astarion represents a danger as a vampire who attacked one of them during their sleep. By the display of meta-knowledge, we know with certainty that their approvals and disapprovals are mostly opposite: What one approves, the other will disapprove and vice versa. Getting rid of Astarion should be something that Gale would approve, however, he doesn't. If we explore his comments we will realise that what Gale disapproves from this situation is Tav's abandonment. After Mystra's abandonment, he knows very well that “Loyalty is such a very rare commodity”, and the few situations in EA in which Tav can display abandonment, resound strongly in Gale. 

Gale is a scholar with a strong balanced rational side. But unlike the trope, he also embraces an emotional side that, so far the info we received in EA, it's the side that makes him prone to mistakes. 

As an amateur poet, Gale loves words. We can obviously notice this in his verbose attitude, but also in the way he carefully uses words. One of his characteristic words is “spectacle”. He has also shown a reiterative—although not always—uneasy use of the word “fun”. Using “fun” as a way to describe the night spent with Gale gives him a slight uneasiness. “That’s a word for it.” He disapproves of using the word “Fun” after the Mayrina/Connor situation, in which scene Gale alludes that “your new company may be a proof of how depraved and twisted you are to see that tragedy as “fun”. Personally I think this is a direct allusion to Astarion, who considers Mayrina's situation as “entertainment”, in the same way he considered as “fun” the show of Arabella's death (two of several instances where he used that word). Gale also doesn’t use the word sex during EA, instead he uses romantic ones such as love-making, intimacy, art of the night/body. In the most technical case: coitus (used only when he is talking about “goblinoid intimacy” in the expression “post-coital snack”). These details are showing not only his poet/romantic side, but also his interpretation of sex from his perspective: sex can only be possible through a connection. We know he doesn’t engage in casual sex with Lae’zel if he is not romanced, and his romance can only potentially start if Tav shares that deep connection with him through the Weave. 

Another detail related to words is that Gale has always used an infection/disease-related vocabulary to explain the “orb” stuck in his chest: infested, taint, shadow spreading 

[…] I failed to control [this chaotic magic]. Instead it infested me. […] This Netherese taint... this orb, for lack of a better word [..] […] the shadow within is spreading like poison, corrupting kindness and compassion. [...]

Gale apparently has a particular way to sense magic. I have no way to check this in-game, but it seems very strange how he immediately identifies magical artifacts without casting Detect Magic. There are some extra scenes as well where he says to taste or smell the magic in some objects. Even his encounter with Shadowheart, besides being considered a flirt, could be also interpreted as him detecting the magic that we saw later in her hand or maybe the dark magic that blocks her memories, since Gale pointed out about a curtain covering her soul: “if the eyes are the mirror to the soul, yours have dark curtains across the mirror” (a very ominous flirting if it’s only a flirt)

This makes me suspect that, if the "orb" is not giving him this skill, it may be a consequence of having been Chosen of Mystra (for more details read the post about "Mystra and her Chosen ones"). If this is the case, he may have hindered remains of theirs powers when it comes to detect magic at will.

Gale has a perception of magic with all the senses: he sniffs and tastes magic. During the mirror scene you have an option related to [Arcana] tag where he “Sniff the mirror, trying to understand the nature of its magic”. A wizard Tav will just “Inspect the mirror”. He also said that he could “taste” the magic in the necromancy book and in the runes of teleportation. 

What we know of his family is little: when he was a kid there was a housekeeper in his life (mentioned only once during the scene of the harpies) and his mother that seemed to have personally raised and cared for him (mentioned twice: in the ruin temple scene, and in his banter with Wyll) 

Tav: Why care about decorum in a long-abandoned tomb? Gale: Because my mother raised a gentleman. Then again, to be alive is to be curious. 

Wyll: Between the orb and the bug you've got more than your fair share of unwelcome passengers. Gale: What can I say. Mother always taught me to be a gracious host.

This post was written in May 2021. → For more Gale: Analysis Series Index

[mimisempai]

I will never give up on you

Summary:

Now that things are back to normal, Mobius begins to wonder if he is the right person for Loki and is willing to let him go so he can be happy. Loki will prove to Mobius that he too can lean on Loki.

🌈 Happy Pride month ! 🌈

To celebrate, 1 day, 1 story.

Be ready for smiles, laugh, fluff, tooth rotthing fluff, positive vibes and a lot of love!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32223349

2170 words - Rating G

"Oh my! Did you see Loki at the briefing this morning?!"

"He had that adorable smile again!"

"You mean the smile that would light up the whole room if it was night?"

"Yes!!!"

Mobius couldn't help but smile as he heard the gossip of the latest recruits.

After all it was not uncommon for people, girls or boys, to rave about his lover who really had the figure of a god.

Sometimes it made Mobius conscious of his own appearance and he wondered what could attract Loki to him, while the TVA was full of female or male specimens much more attractive than himself.

He continued on his way, with a slightly less energetic step when Miss Minutes' small, knowing voice called out, "That smile is not for you!"

The group of girls cried out, "What?!!! Then who is it for!"

"That's not for me to say." She replied in a mysterious tone. Then she continued clapping her little white-gloved hands, ending the discussion. "Come on, the class on time travel paradoxes is about to start!"

Mobius, continuing on his way to his office, thought about what Miss Minutes had just said.

There were few of them who knew about the relationship between Loki and him. Miss Minutes, Casey and Sylvie.

It wasn't that they had made it a secret.

Honestly if Mobius listened to himself, he'd be shouting it to the world.

But he couldn't help but wonder.

They hadn't really discussed their relationship yet, and Mobius was afraid to broach the subject. He was afraid that now that they were living a fairly normal life, as normal as it could be considering the circumstances, Loki would realize that he could do much better than a plain looking, not-so-young agent.

The circumstances of their meeting had been particular, he had been what the god had needed and now he wondered what he could bring him.

Before Loki, the life of Mobius had been the TVA, he had had some affairs, with Revonna for example, but nothing serious.

Then there was Loki, who had made his way into Mobius' heart very quickly.

In the next hallway, as he turned towards the door of his office, he saw the object of his thoughts surrounded by a small group of people. They were talking animatedly.

Suddenly Loki began to smile. The same smile that he had whenever he saw Mobius, the one the girls were talking about before.

But this time the smile wasn't directed at him.

Mobius' throat tightened. Maybe it was time to free Loki and let him fly away.

So he spent the day avoiding him. Every time Loki came near or wanted to talk to him, Mobius found an excuse to leave or found a way to slip away.

When Casey had picked him up for their daily lunch in the cafeteria, he had declined.

His actions did not go unnoticed by the object of his affection.

Loki sensed that something was wrong.

These last times, he had the impression that they got closer and Mobius was not averse to dispense signs of affection that Loki returned him well.

Loki wondered what he had done. Because if something went wrong, it was surely his fault. He had a gift for ruining his relationships with people. However, for once, Loki didn't want to give up until he had tried everything. Because he had changed, or rather he was who he was supposed to be and not who other people had decided was destined to be and he owed that to Mobius.

It was time for them to have a serious discussion about their relationship and it would happen now. He walked with a determined step towards Mobius' office, entered and closed the door gently behind him.

Mobius, standing in front of the window, had not heard him enter.

Loki approached him gently, embraced him from behind, put his chin on his shoulder and whispered in his ear.

"I finally caught my runaway boyfriend..."

He knew he was taking a risk by putting a label on something they hadn't defined yet, and he didn't miss the way Mobius froze when Loki said the word boyfriend.

He simply tightened his arms around Mobius.

"Hey..." murmured Mobius. He couldn't help but lean his head against Loki's on his shoulder.

Once again the god had baffled him, and he didn't know what to address first, the fact that Loki had noticed him avoiding him or the way he had called him. Boyfriend...

He turned in Loki's arms and looked up to meet Loki's gaze.

"I..." he paused, unable to sort out his thoughts at the way Loki looked at him. He could see tenderness and devotion, and something more that he couldn't define.

Loki smiled and said softly, "It's rare that you have trouble finding your words."

Mobius muttered, "Not everyone can be talkie talkie like you."

Loki took on a falsely outraged look, "Hey I thought you liked that!"

"I do."

Actually, it wasn't the only thing he liked.

His expression tightened and Loki noticed the change in his countenance. He ran his fingertips gently over Mobius' face and asked softly, "Hey, tell me what's wrong? I'm not blind, you know, I've seen how you've been avoiding me all day. Is it something I did or didn't do? Tell me Mobius, because if I don't know, I can't change anything. And what's between us is too precious to me to ruin in any way. And I-"

Mobius interrupted him by putting a finger over his mouth.He had been appalled as Loki spoke to him, because he realized that he who prided himself on being clear-headed and able to read people, had been wrong about everything, and that his fear of facing things head-on had made Loki insecure and worse, made him feel guilty when there was no reason to.

He had been appalled as Loki spoke to him, because he realized that he who prided himself on being clear-headed and able to read people had been wrong about everything, and that his fear of facing things head-on had made Loki insecure and worse, made him feel guilty when there was no reason to.

From the beginning, they had been honest and sincere with each other. Loki had not hesitated to bare his heart more than once, showing unwavering trust in Mobius and at the first obstacle Mobius was not able to show him the same trust?

He had to stop acting like an idiot. As humiliating as it might be, it was up to him to bare his heart, to expose his fears and insecurities.

"Stop Loki.This isn't you, I promise you, you didn't do anything wrong."

Not daring to look him in the eye, he told him everything, the conversation he had witnessed in the morning, which had triggered this path of thoughts, leading to his doubts and fears.

"And now I feel like such an idiot for reacting that way instead of facing the problem head on. For being jealous like a teenager."

Loki lifted his chin with his hand and Mobius saw that he was looking at him with the same fond eyes as before as he shook his head.

"I don't know where to start, but the first thing I want you to know is that just because when we first met, I was the one who needed you, doesn't mean you have to be strong all the time. I'm certainly not going to judge you for a moment of doubt. Honestly, that you were jealous of this group of people, I don't know if that's flattering or ridiculous or a little of both. But I want to reassure you of one thing. Do you know why I was smiling like that? It's because they were talking about you, that when they finished their training they wanted to become an agent like you. I was just smiling because I was proud of my boyfriend.And by the way, about the label, honestly I don't care, I called you boyfriend before because that's what came to my mind spontaneously, the most important thing is what's here." said Loki pointing at Mobius' chest.

"That's just it." intervened Mobius, "I think my doubts come mainly from the fact that I don't know what's here." in turn he pointed to Loki's chest. "We never talked about what was between us. And you know me, as much as I like a little chaos, I like to know where I'm going. It probably makes me an annoyingly serious person, but that's just the way I am."

It was Loki's turn to put a finger to Mobius' lips to shut him up.

"I don't see it that way, we complement each other, and that's fine. Mobius, you know I often talk to say nothing and not so long ago, while we were on Lamentis with Sylvie, I tried to define love, a little drunk I found a ridiculous metaphor about a dagger. When all I would have had to do was to draw inspiration from reality. I know perfectly well what I would answer now if she asked me again to define love. I would tell her love is someone who is not afraid to put you in front of your failures so that you realize that you are better than what you are, it is someone who sees the good in you and better who sees the good that you are being able to do, love is being confidently able to fall asleep in the presence of someone you trust, love is wanting the person you love to believe in you, love is knowing that if you fall down you will be helped up, it is wanting his face to be the first one you see in the morning and the last one at night. "

He wiped a tear that spilled from Mobius' eye with his thumb before continuing, "Mobius, I don't need a metaphor to describe love since I have you."

He then leaned towards Mobius, closing the little distance that still separated them and placed his lips on his and set about proving his words in the most beautiful way possible.

When they separated to catch their breath, Loki pressed Mobius' head against his chest, tightening his arms around him as Mobius tied his arms around Loki's waist.Loki simply rested his chin on Mobius' head and they stayed like that for a long time, embracing each other in front of the window, in a comforting silence.

Mobius felt Loki's heart beating fast and strong against his ear and realized how much courage it took to open his heart like that, without waiting for Mobius' answer.

No! He didn't have to hide anymore. Loki had shown courage in facing their relationship head on and he was going to do the same!

He pushed himself back, forcing Loki to loosen his grip and took his hand. He looked into Loki's eyes and with a pounding heart said, "You know I knew you before we met, I had watched your life story several times, and it was during those viewings that I fell in love with you. Don't make round eyes like that. Once you take off the shell, when you see past the mischief and missteps, it's so easy to love you. When you first came here, you showed all the qualities I saw in you and made me fall in love with you all over again, and now that you've broken free of your chains, I fall in love with you every day."

Loki grinned a little shakily before saying, "You realize that makes us the biggest sappy idiots in this world."

"No witnesses, no proof." Mobius pulled his lover's head toward him to wipe away his cheeky smile with a kiss that left them both panting.

"How about we continue this at home."

They walked out of the office, Mobius locked the door, and when he turned around, Loki was holding out his hand. He grasped it, and with intertwined fingers they walked towards their home.

Suddenly, they found themselves face to face with two of the girls Mobius had heard talking that morning.

They stopped, and he saw their eyes fixed on their locked hands. The girls started walking past them and they heard them giggling and whispering behind them.

They looked at each other, smiling.

"Do you realize that tomorrow the whole of the TVA staff will know about this?" asked Loki.

"That's fine with me, I won't need to show that you're mine."

"That's a shame, I'd like to see you possessive. Maybe I should smile more often for others than you." replied Loki with a suggestive raise of his eyebrow.

Mobius growled, "Loki..."

Only the god's mischievous laughter answered him. They continued on their way home, bickering lovingly under the watchful eyes of two witnesses who couldn't wait until the next day to spread the news: Agent Mobius was responsible for Agent Loki's radiant smile.

Epilogue here : X

_______

Not beta'd I hope you enjoyed it 🥰

The whole series here : Together, For all time, Always

[bluebaby123]

Bitter Taste: Iwaizumi x f/reader Pt. 1

pt. 2 here

THIS IS SO LATE and I’m a fuck up hahahaha (kinda ironic this was 2 weeks late for Mental Health Awareness month) 

I am crediting my girl @kuso-deku for giving me Iwaizumi brain rot to begin with. I am also crediting @gixxie and @idonotagreebitch for helping me talk through my ideas... and crediting @doinmybesthere for the wonderful idea of a mental health awareness collaboration the link is here. PLS READ THE REST OF THE WORKS. Everyone deserves the love.

TW: manipulative male/female relationships, gaslighting?, subtle shit head crap that most men do (don’t worry Iwa is a peach as always tho, it’s Ushijima that’s the problem)

_ 

Iwaizumi stands and stretches in the cinema. The movie had been good, but long, he figured it was a little after midnight. “What’d ya think?” Kuroo asks as they exit the theatre. “I hated the ending…” Oikawa gripes, “I hate endings where everyone just dies.” “You are such a princess Tooru, I swear, it’s a metaphorical ending… did you not catch all the symbolism in the opening credits?” Iwaizumi sighs and turns his phone back on, trying his best to ignore their bickering. Slowly, notification after notification pops up… all from you. He blinks, surprised. You had declined his offer to join him for the film, stating you had previous plans attending a close friend’s birthday.

Iwa opens the messages from you. He sees first the selfies. You look beautiful, extravagant even. Your dress is beautiful, it compliments your figure perfectly with the corseted bodice. It’s white and so is your lace mask. Broad, feathered angel wings rest on your back. Angelic would have been a word he’d used to describe you before, but now, it was confirmed. He wants to keep staring at the photos but Kuroo and Oikawa are starting to become too curious about the contents of his phone. He scrolls and relaxes his face to look more casual. But it’s hard when your intoxicated messages are so darn cute.    

hope the movie is good!

okay so I guess there’s an open bar? Is it my birthday too?

if you wanna come by after the movie I’msure you coul

this partyyyy suckssssssss assssssssss

wish id gon wiht u xx

You are clearly drunk and he laughs to himself before Kuroo peers over his right shoulder. “Well she’s thinking about you at least,” he smirks. Oikawa peers over Iwaizumi’s left shoulder, “ooo play the voice message.” Oikawa taps the message before Iwaizumi can give him an answer.

“Hiiiii Iwaaaaaa, hope you like the moovie and you’re having a good time, cuz I’m having a preetyy good time, they gots free margaritaaass. Okay byeeeee”

The guys laugh and Oikawa presses the next one.

“Hey Iwaaa, I made up a song about you, ready?

Iwaizumi

Doesn’t know what he does- to me…

Sshfhsijknfhahaha I cant remember the rest som’n bout… som’n I dunno. Byeee”

“Okay, Ushi says that I need to say sorry for sending so many…” you pause and then whisper, “drunk messages, but I’as only tellin’ ya I ssink ‘r awesome ‘n you should totally come to this party and hang out with me… you’re awesome, okay byeee”

Oikawa and Kuroo pause and look at Iwaizumi. “Ushi?” Oikawa asks, “like Ushiwaka?” Oikawa’s eyes are narrowed and he gags dramatically in disgust. Iwaizumi nods and walks to exit the theatre. “Wait… that’s her friend who’s having the birthday party?” Iwa grimaces as Kuroo chuckles. “No wonder you’ve had a stick up your ass all night.” Iwa glares at him, “they’re just friends… apparently… I don’t know, she said they’ve known each other for a really long time…” Kuroo claps Iwaizumi on the back. “I think you should definitely go to the party.” Iwaizumi starts to object but the ring of his phone draws attention, and he answers it. “Heyyy you're outta th’moviee, heheeheheha,” you slur. Iwaizumi laughs softly and smiles, “yeah, I’m out of the movie now, are you… good?” There is so much background noise, it almost drowns out your sweet sleepy voice. “I’m soooo good… … I just-” he can hear your voice drop to a drunken whisper. “I’z just hoping to see you today,” you mumble finally.  

Iwaizumi can feel his heartbeat quicken, his head reeling. “Oh really?” He plays cool but then instantly regrets it when you give him a serious answer. “Yeah, I was really hoping you’d come to the party, even for just a little,” you murmur. Iwaizumi can’t help but chuckle. You were pretty cute like this, not normally so transparent. You were actually quite hard to read, so sweet but guarded and teasing too. You were a friend of Oikawa’s first and he had met you through him. He’d liked the way you sat cross legged on the couch smiling, chin in your hands while you asked questions and listened to his answers. Your eyes sparkle when you hear something you like, and your face lights up when you talk about things you find interesting.

“Ya don’t have to, I can just see ya another time,” you add. He’s been silent too long which causes him to speak without thinking. “No, I’d love to see you, I’ll head to you now.” Kuroo and Oikawa are silently cheering him on and Iwa turns away in embarrassment. “Really? Okay! I’ll drop my pin… as the kids are sayin’ these days hahaha.” “See you soon, drink some water okay?” “Mhm, I will, see ya soon!”

You were at a club owned by Ushijima’s family. A place called ‘Eagle’s Nest’. He’d only known you for a few weeks but he couldn’t help his infatuation. It was immediate, the night he had gone to Oikawas for game night. You spoke to him so easily not knowing him at all and laughed at his little side jabs to his long time friend. The way you looked at him… Iwa knew then that he wanted to see you smile, hear your laugh, and that he would be happy to assume the responsibility of making that happen.

He was surprised when you had declined his offer for the movie, feeling that you both had some definite chemistry, but Iwaizumi was even more surprised when you had said that you had prior plans with his old time rival Ushijima Wakatoshi. Iwaizumi hadn’t seen him since high school but they knew a few people in common, Oikawa being one of those people. Oikawa could sure hold a grudge but Iwaizumi took all of his comments with a grain of salt. Ushijima often came off entitled and cold, which would leave Iwaizumi with a bad taste in his mouth. Maybe Oikawa had the right idea holding a grudge… But grudge or not he wanted to see you, hear your voice and admire you all dolled up.

When Iwaizumi arrives at the club he is met with a large security guard. “Invitation?” he grumbles. Iwa remains calm but a small trickle of fear runs down his back. Iwaizumi gives the guard a casual smile before he starts to answer but he is interrupted. “Iwaaaaa,” you cry from the top of the stairs. The mask you’d had on is now resting on top of your head, the delicate features of your face now exposed. The floofy skirt of your dress bounces with your excitement as you run down the stairs. You crash into him, throwing your arms around his neck. You bury your face in his collar and still momentarily. Drunk and bubbly, you melt when Iwa wraps his arms around your waist in return, avoiding your costume’s wings. “Mmmm,” you hum, breath hot against his skin, “you smell good.” You pull back and stare into his wide eyes. “You look incredible,” he offers, a slight pink tint to his cheeks. You grin in return and simply take hold of his hand. “He’s with me,” you beam at the guard. Iwaizumi is doubtful this trick will work here. But he is surprised when the guard steps aside saying, “as you wish Miss L/N.” You giggle and pull Iwa towards the doors. “I’ll bring you some cake later, okay Jurou?” Jurou laughs, “just have fun darlin’.” “You’re the best,” you call behind you as you push open the doors. Iwaizumi can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy knowing that you are on a first name basis with one of the body guards at the Wakatoshi’s club. How close were you with Ushijima?    

Blue and purple lights illuminate the vast space while black tiles make up the main floor. The dance floor is sunken, in the middle of the club with a small set of stairs leading down to it. It’s made entirely of glass, beneath is a saltwater garden of different plants and coral.  

“You’ll need one of these,” you explain, swiping a simple black mask from the welcome table. You hand it over to him and pull yours down over your eyes. Iwaizumi adjusts it to where he can see. “You look so handsome,” you admire. He grins, “what about you? You’ve got wings!” You laugh and adjust your mask back on top of your forehead. “I’m a swan, and Ushi said I couldn’t be a swan without wings!” You spin for him, trying your best to flap the feathered wings. Small pieces of confetti glitter rain from the skirt of your dress. Iwaizumi takes in your face illuminated by the lights of the club. Blue and pink dancing over your cheeks as you smile up at him. “What?” you giggle nervously. Just a few weeks but he is mesmerised by your everything. He shakes his head and tries to move on. He wanted to tell you how he felt but this wasn’t the right time. It should be when you’re sober, when you can take in his words properly.

You coax him down towards the bar.  “You’re sure it’s okay to sneak in uninvited guests?” Iwa questions. “Well, I asked Ushi ‘nd he said it was okay, so yeah!” You grin but notice Iwaizumi’s reserve. “It’s really okay, I promise, let’s just get a drink,” you suggest and take his hand. “Only if you drink more water,” he smirks. You roll your eyes at Iwa, “I drank some water before you got here actually.” You look back at him as you both head down to the bar. “I’ll prolly regret that yurr seeing me like this tamorow, ya know,” you call over the blaring music. “It’s cute, you’re cute,” he assures as he leans against the bar, “I didn’t know you thought about me this much until I saw all the snapchats and voice messages and texts.” You cover your face in humiliation, “I knowww, I’m sorry but you were on my mind a lot, alot alot, and  couldn’t stop think about ya, and the booze told me to keep on messaging…” You trail off,  finding the last shred of your filter to keep you from talking.  The bartender hands you your water and you take a long drink.

“Iwaizumi,” a voice projects over the baseline. Ushijima stands tall advancing towards where you both stand. His expression is neutral though, his eyes keep darting to you and then back to Iwaizumi. Ushijima is dressed as a knight, his silver mask hangs languidly around his neck. “Ushiwaka,” Iwa acknowledges, “this is a hell of a birthday party.” You giggle and point at Ushiwaka, “he’s 28 today; getting sooo old.” In that moment, Iwaizumi watches him do something he had never seen him do before. Smile… and then laugh. Ushijima wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you closer.  “You’re just a baby,  you’re only-” You wave your hand in front of Ushiwaka’s face, shushing him. “No, no, Iwa doesn’t knowww, don’t tell him,” you plead. “She’s only 23,” Ushiwaka says. You hold your face in your hands once more and groan. Ushijima pulls your hands from your face, “just barely twenty three too.” You glare at him and look back at Iwaizumi embarrassed.  “Did she not tell you her age?” Ushijima asks Iwaizumi. Iwa shrugs, “She didn’t, but I never asked,” Iwa shrugs casually, addressing you now, “didn’t seem important since you carry yourself so well.”

You turn to Iwa, mouth open like you’re about to respond but Ushijima swipes the glass from your hands before you can finish. “Drinking water?” You look up at him. “But it’s my birthday… and this is a party…  you need something stronger…” Ushijima beacons the bartender with a single flick of his hand. The barman pours three double shots of a clear liquid from a foreign looking bottle. Ushijima takes a glass and hands it to you, before handing another to Iwaizumi. Ushijima gives him a wink as he loops his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him. He raises his glass, the violet lights illuminating the liquid. Iwaizumi follows his lead. “To my Juliet, the belle of the ball,” Ushijima bellows. You smile slightly and shake your head. “No no, to you Ushi, it’s your birthday, not mine, we are celebrating you!” Your eyes find Iwa’s, but you leave your glass raised. Ushijima grabs hold of your hand that’s still wrapped around the glass. “Cheers,” He tips the glass towards your lips and you swallow the clear liquor as he feeds it to you. You down it all in one go and Ushiwaka smiles wide once again. “She’s good, huh?” With that, Ushiwaka clinks his glass to Iwaizumi’s, “to you brother,” he assures. Iwa is surprised with the sudden sentiment. “And to you,” he replies before downing the shot. The liquor is surprisingly smooth, expensive, and strong. Iwa can feel his head starting to get light from the small portion that was in the glass and Iwa wasn’t a light weight. “Strong huh?” Ushijima smirks. Iwaizumi nods then turns to the bartender to signal for a water.

Ushijima turns to where you stand swaying slightly with the music. “Look at her, she gets drunk so easily,” Ushijima smiles. “How are you feeling, princess?” he shouts over at you. Iwa turns away and downs his water in disgust. ‘Princess?’ Ushijima shouldn’t be calling you that if you’re both just friends. You blink and give him a smile and a thumbs up. There was a natural innocence about you, a childlike wonder and curiosity, the embodiment of sanguine. Ushijima’s air was sometimes sinister, like he was taking advantage of your natural trusting nature. Iwa watches as Ushijima’s large hands rest on either of your shoulders and he pushes you back and forth like a pendulum between his palms. You giggle and try to push him away, “Ushi stooopp.” He laughs with you and continues pushing you around, “you’re so cute and small though, see?” He places a hand on top of your head and you still. “I said to stop,” you mumble. “And I did,” he retorts before letting you go.

Iwa watches the sudden weight of gravity find you as you stumble in your heels. He catches your arm just in time. Your arms find their way around his neck once more, your face in the crook of his neck. You pull away and Iwa examines your foggy eyes. “You okay?” You nod, pushing off of Iwa’s chest. You fix your hair, “it’s fine, he just messin’” you turn to Ushijima, “and someone doesn’t know when to quit.” You’re pulled away into Ushiwaka’s arms. He sways you back and forth, your back held against his chest while he says soft apologies. He whispers something to you and you nod. Iwaizumi wanted to pull you away from him. Not because he was jealous, but because the way that Ushiwaka was behaving with you was odd.

“Y/n is a little bit tired, why don’t you join us in VIP?” Iwa smiles and gives his thanks, trying his best to hide his scowl. Iwa follows after you and Ushiwaka, upstairs and under velvet ropes hoping that he will find a good moment to pull you away. But instead you are pulled onto the couch beside Ushiwaka. He lights a cigar and offers one to Iwa, but Iwaizumi declines with a simple, “no thanks, don’t smoke.” It’s strange the way that Ushiwaka keeps whispering in your ear, giving you sips of his drinks, and blowing smoke in your face. “Ushi, stop please, the smell is making me sick,” you whine. But he just pulls you closer to him, chuckling all the while and does it again. You’re laughing and poking his face, but it’s not out of joy... Watching Ushijima interact with you the whole night has been like watching a cat toy with a mouse.

Iwa grimaces when Ushiwaka tickles you. “Stop-stop-don’t-stop,” you giggle and howl. “She said to stop!” Iwa raises his voice. Ushijima’s eyes shoot towards Iwaizumi while you squirm off the couch. Your eyes are heavy as you walk towards a dark hallway and disappear into the shadows. Iwa’s eyes flick to the entrance to the hall. Ushiwaka sits in a contented silence, sipping a drink, “she’s so dramatic,” he sighs. He continues smoking, arm rested over the back of the purple velvet sofa. Ushijima takes a sip of his drink, swirling the ice in his glass. Iwa doesn’t move to break the silence no matter how expectant Ushijima’s expression was. He stamps out his cigar in the tray before addressing him.

“She’s awfully talkative, and incredibly fond of you…” Ushijima starts, an odd smirk painting his expression. Iwaizumi raises an eyebrow in intrigue and Ushijima’s face hardens. “She won’t shut up about you since she met you… it’s annoying...” Iwaizumi, remains quiet, the silence settling over the men like a thick fog. The only sounds are muffled club music and the ice tinkling against Ushijima’s glass. “I’m going to be honest as a friend… bad idea.” Iwaizumi can feel the rage bubbling inside his gut, “I don’t think that what’s going on between us is any of your-” He’s cut off by Ushijima.

“I’m really looking out for you Iwaizumi, girls can break hearts and Y/n is kind of known for that… she’s just a sweet soul, makes friends easily, but love? That’s harder for her… doesn’t have the best taste in men I’m afraid, I want to protect her and you from a situation where I can already see the conclusion… I get that you like her, everyone does.”  Iwazumi leans forward, “does that include you?” Ushijima is stone faced, then gives a cold laugh. “You’re funnier than I remember, Iwaizumi.”

Iwaizumi rises and heads towards the hall you disappeared down. If he sat in front of him any longer he was going to say something he regretted… and you still haven’t come back. He slips into the dark hallway as you’re exiting the bathroom. Your mask has been removed and even in the dim lighting you look pale. “Hey, what’s happened?” You look up at him embarrassed, your dress almost as wilted as you are. “Got sick…” you mutter. You’re shaking slightly, arms wrapped around yourself. “Oh Y/n, are you alright?” he sighs. His arm starts to reach for you but he thinks better of it, pulling it back to rest by his side. His eyes widen as he feels the warmth of your hand in his. He didn’t figure that you would want to be touched right now. But your fingers interlace with his,  your skin soft. “Are you good to drive?” you whisper. His hand instinctively tightens around yours protectively. “I only had whatever Ushijima gave us, it was strong but I’ve had water- yeah I’m good.” “Would you mind taking me home?” you ask, as you start to walk back towards the VIP room. “Sure, course,” Iwaizumi replies gently. He feels how your thumb brushes over the back of his hand in silent gratitude. The gesture has his heart beating hard against his ribs. Iwa walks forward, his eyes on you and nothing else. Your brow is furrowed and your expression painted serious which was unusual from how he knew you to act.

“Iwa’s taking me home now,” you announce and walk towards the stairs. Ushiwaka’s face hardens, “I can take her home, you shouldn’t trouble yourself,” he addresses Iwaizumi. You smile and turn around facing Ushiwaka. “But Ushi, ‘s ur birthday, you can’t leave this party jus’ ‘a take me home,” You turn to Iwa now. “Let’s go,” you say and Iwa nods, still holding your hand.  “Where’s my hug, princess?” Ushijima calls after you. You stop in your tracks and close your eyes, taking in a deep breath. You drop Iwa’s hand slowly, hesitantly. You walk back slowly and stand before his open arms. He lifts you and you groan. You’re still hugging him tightly but not quite with the same intimacy as before.

As Ushijima places you down you turn to look back at Iwa when Ushijima catches your face with his large hand. He coaxes your face back towards him then leans down. Ushiwaka locks eyes with Iwaizumi as he whispers something in your ear. Then he presses his lips to your cheek, still not moving his eyes away from Iwaizumi’s. Iwa tries his best to remain neutral but he can feel his lip creeping upwards in contempt. Ushiwaka is too prideful for his own good it seems.

You take Iwa’s hand again, leading him towards the exit. An exasperated look rests on your face. “What did he say to you?” Iwa asks. You sigh and shake your head. “‘S nothin’,  ya shouldn’t worry your pretty lil head ‘bout it.” Iwa can’t help but allow a smile. He raises an eyebrow at you, “think my head is pretty?” he asks. He’s met with your hazy gaze, “I do,” you say simply. Iwa wasn’t prepared for such a straightforward answer to his question.

Once out of the club, the valet pull Iwaizumi’s car around. He’s careful not to let you walk too far on your own. Sick, in those ridiculous shoes and still quite drunk, he opens the car door for you before hopping into the driver's seat. “Will you put your address in?” Iwa hands you his phone and you type it in as asked. “Thanks for doing this,” you sigh. “Yeah of course,” he says as he puts the car into gear. A few streets of city light pass by in silence. Your hands are resting in your lap but your body is still trembling. “I can- umm- pull over if you need me to…” You wave the thought away with your hand, “it was the smell of the cigar more than anything…” Iwa’s gut begins to boil again. Your voice is soft, almost defeated. He speaks before thinking better of it. “Does he always treat you like that?” You look at Iwa and make eye contact briefly before his attention is back on the road. “He was being a little extra weird today, maybe because y’all used to play volleyball together or… I dunno really, he just gets like that sometimes…” You trail off, allowing your thoughts to fade into the rearview. The silence is deafening and you feel the need to break it. “He’s really nice too though, don’t get me wrong, he cooks for me and calls to check in, he even gets me little gifts, so I know he cares.” Iwa shakes his head, “if he cared he would have stopped when you asked him to.” You take a breath, “I know but he was just having a night I guess…” Iwa pulls into your driveway as the GPS notifies him that he has ‘arrived at the destination’. He puts the car in park, “you don’t have to make excuses for him… it’s okay to be angry, if that’s how you feel.” You start to open the door, your fingers on the handle. “I’m not angry though, I’m just kinda hurt.” You open the door and start to get out, “okay, maybe a little angry too.” You laugh to yourself but not out of joy. It’s an ironic laugh and Iwa can hear the pain ringing inside of it. “Let me walk you inside.”  

[theprologues]

SUBMISSION - Grammys performance symbolism, part two

So, with those reservations safely out of the way, and a warning to readers NOT to hurt themselves by getting their hopes up again … 

What aspects of Taylor’s Grammy’s performance made me think there might be light at the end of the tunnel for Kaylor? 

First, Taylor’s blue and gold performance dress. “Deep blue but you painted me golden” is a line from Dancing With Our Hands Tied, a song that is widely assumed to be about the night of Kissgate. It’s a song where Taylor talks about how miserable (“deep blue”) she was after the collapse of her relationship with Diana and her public reputation in 2013. She describes how her new lover, Karlie, brought her back to life and lit her up with the glow of a new, true love. She painted her golden. But then they were caught in an intimate moment at Kissgate, and Taylor panicked. Her fears and anxieties threatened to drown her, and though she and her new lover tried to dance through the catastrophe, they eventually came to realize they were doing so with their hands tied. They had no hope of swimming to the surface together and breaking free. They could only have done so if Taylor had stood firm and owned their love in the moment, instead of setting in motion the bearding contracts that would change everything. (This is what she means when she says that “if I could dance with you again”, she would “kiss” and “hold” her lover, instead of presumably backing away. If she could do the moment over, she would claim Karlie as her lover, and hold her hand for the world to see, through hell or high water.) 

Though it’s a depressing motif in DWOHT, Taylor has, interestingly, returned to this imagery of a golden tie several times in other songs, painting it in a much more positive light. Most recently, the Willow music video explores this, visually representing the “single thread of gold that tied me to you” which Taylor sings about in Invisible String. Both IS and Willow are happy songs, which describe their lovers as being tied together by fate. “Wherever you go, I’ll follow,” Taylor sings in Willow. In DWOHT, the lovers followed each other to a place of deepest blue. The bottom of the ocean, under the waves, where they couldn’t breathe. In Willow they follow each other to freedom.

That freedom is represented in the Willow music video by the open cabin door the lovers step through at the end of the video. Taylor incorporates this door into the Willow section of her Grammy’s performance, performing first in the open doorway and then stepping through it to perform with her band out in the open. 

But returning to the blue and gold dress. This is not only a very Karlie motif which keeps recurring in her art (often to postitve effect). It’s also a representation of Taylor finding happiness WITHIN the closet. It’s talking about how her partner’s love helps her to bear the depression being in the closet, and fearing exposure, causes her. The fact that Taylor chooses to wear this dress throughout her performance, with no costume changes, suggests a) she is still in the closet, and b) she is still with Karlie, and still considers her love to be such a lifeline. 

If Toe was real and Taylor was happy with him, she could have chosen to wear an all-gold dress for the occasion. If Kaylor was over and she had decided to return to the closet, she could have communicated that by wearing all blue. If Kaylor was over and so far in the past she had moved on with someone new, there was no need to evoke the motif at all. She could simply have laid claim to another color, or worn another prairie type dress to fit the aesthetic. And yet, she didn’t. Why not, if not to communicate what I said above? 

What else is worth considering, in Taylor’s medley? Well, there’s the cabin setting. Taylor and Karlie famously took a trip to Big Sur forest and stayed in a cabin together in 2014, where Karlie was the first person to hear 1989 in full. They took many photos on the trip, including one captioned with “on the way home” (a lyric from You Are In Love, which talks about hearing love in the silence) and one of the two of them looking up at a fallen tree. A VERY similar looking tree appears in the Cardigan music video, and the slanted, moss-covered roof Taylor opens the medley lying on also looks a lot like this tree. Again, curious that she would call back to this if she and Karlie have separated.

Moving on. Taylor opens the medley singing on the roof, looking straight up into the camera. When we pull back we see the stage around set to that of a starry night. Taylor is thus cast as the romantic, the star-gazer. She also calls back to another lyric Kaylors have previously tied to Karlie - “up on the roof with a schoolgirl crush”. It’s been repeatedly tied to Karlie and Taylor’s attendance at the Victoria Secret show after-party. Again, why evoke imagery so tied to the early, happy days of this relationship? 

We then move through a progression of events that sees her hiding inside with friends, before eventually stepping out into the light. That all reads like a visual interpretation of her relationship with Karlie, from her early loneliness and lovestruck dreaming, to the happiness she finds within her little hideaway, to her eventual decision to step out of it and claim her lover. The medley ends on a repetition of “that’s my man”, seemingly hinting that Taylor’s freedom is tied up in her ability to finally say those words. 

What else? Well, there are the Ivy allusions. Taylor’s cabin covered in greenery can’t help but evoke the lyrics of Ivy - “my house of stone, your ivy grows, and now I’m covered in you”. Ivy is widely interpreted as a sapphic song about two women finding love despite their commitments to men. Another line in the song “he’s in the room, your opal eyes are all I wish to see, he wants what’s only yours” is alluded to in Taylor’s choice of opal jewelry on the night. What a weird thing to draw attention to, if you’re not secretly in love with a woman while parading a beard around in public. We’re also told in the song that “he” (possibly the same man, possibly another) wants to burn the house of the Ivy lovers down. Jerk just so happened to announce the baby’s birth on this night, in what felt like an attempt to undermine Taylor’s joy. Hmm. Curious. 

You know what else is curious? Taylor’s choice of outfit for the Grammys red carpet. Not only is the floral dress very reminiscent of a floral ensemble Karlie wore to cover a June (pride month) issue of Spanish Vogue. (Cover subtitled, “flowers of change”.) It’s also by the designer Oscar de la Renta. Taylor and Karlie famously attended one of his shows together early on in their relationship. They sat in the front row looking very cozy, while Taylor refused to answer questions about why she was there and reportedly giggled “my publicist will be mad at me”. Hmm.

Taylor has also worn Oscar de la Renta on numerous occasions while out with Karlie, including most famously at the Met Gala. That iconic pale pink gown that she was buried in the Look What You Made Me Do music video? That was an Oscar de la Renta. There are many interpretations of the scene in the video, but it’s worth noting that Taylor is buried alive in it (which could be interpreted as a metaphor for being closeted) and that in a video all about her various revenge fantasies, she depicts herself crawling back up out of this grave. She views coming back to life and walking away from the flaming wreckage of her past with Big Machine as the ultimate revenge. At the end of the video she clips her own wings while all the past iterations of her argue amongst themselves. This would seem to suggest that she can defeat her enemies but she can’t defeat herself, because she can’t outrun her past, and until then she will always be doomed to self-sabotage. Nevertheless, this Taylor (lurking in the background bedecked in peaced-out palm tree print) is in a much better position than the Taylor who opened the video as a zombie corpse. She’s on the surface and has some hope of freedome, at last. This is a theme we see carried through in the following video, where Taylor goes one-on-one against herself and eventually breaks free.

Long story short? Taylor wearing such a floral, literally blooming dress from THIS designer, of all people, suggests she may finally be about to rise again. The aborted coming out apparently planned for the Lover era (and thus seeded during the Rep era) may finally be a go? 

Again, I’m very reluctant to get people’s hopes up here. But it’s hard to look at this dress and not think of that June (Pride month) floral magazine cover. Or of the Spade riddle, “Why worry? She blooms in June.” Or of the fact that Taylor’s stunts are often loudest before the end. She acknowledged Calvin and hugged him at an awards show before he was booted out of the narrative and Tom H appeared to replace him. (Something like ten days or so after the “split”, if I remember right?) And the inconsistencies of the Toe timeline speak for themselves. There was speculation - unpopular though it was - among Kaylors in the Rep era that guessed Taylor wouldn’t come out until 2021 / 2022. It seemed a world away at the time but who knows? Maybe this was always the plan. Maybe this is all “part of the fucking story”, even the parts that seem ugly or counterproductive. A lot can change in a couple of months in Hollywood, and with Taylor in particular. By June, it’s possible we COULD be looking at a vastly different landscape. Maybe this was one last hurrah for the Toes. Many of them are just harmless fans taking Taylor at her word, after all. 

Only time will tell, and I don’t blame Kaylors for checking out. This isn’t healthy, especially for those of us who are gay ourselves, and can’t help but feel a personal connection to Taylor’s journey out of the closet. We know what a big deal it would be. But for those who still want to hope … It’s just possible Taylor has a plan, and this is the dark night before the dawn. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Pro: I added the photos and the bolded parts. Love symbolism. This was truly a spectacular performance. Awesome submission anon!!

[5-jorjas-in-the-fence]

Oh yeah I did a thing.

Ivy: a lyrical breakdown

How’s one to know

I’d meet you where the spirit meets the bone

In a faith forgotten land?

Spirit meeting the bone is a reference to a body, where the body itself is completely separate from the soul which it inhabits. A faith forgotten land alludes to a place of hope, where good things can happen, yet the world has given up on that- everyone has forgotten their faith.

In from the cold

Your touch bought forward an incandescent glow

Tarnished but so grand

Our narrator (for the sake of this we’re going to assume it’s Taylor, or some character) is sneaking around to meet someone in secret, hidden by the night. ‘Incandescent’ means to give off heat as a result of light, like a fire. This can be taken literally or metaphorically, as the person she’s meeting (spicy lover 👀) warms her up. She feels warm. However this gets contrasted with ‘tarnished but so grand’ as it means that it’s loosing its value and becoming less special the more it happens. Maybe this affair is just a thrill, and emotions aren’t too involved??

And the old widow goes to the stone everyday

But I don’t I just sit here and wait

Grieving for the living

We can assume that she has lost someone... and my hot take? She’s murdered them. Yeah that’s right. So she’s killed her last husband, and she’s not too happy with everything, so instead she grieves for everyone who is expected to be marrying and living their obnoxious lives. What is she waiting for? Actual love.

OoOoOhHhh goddamn

My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

Taking mine

But it’s been promised to another

😏 oh it’s getting dramatic. Perhaps this is a switch of point if view, as it references ‘freezing hand’ and in verse one (1) it mentioned that she’s come in from the cold... this completely changes the songs meaning as we suddenly are dealing with two perspectives.

Oh I can’t!

Stop you putting roots in my dreamland

My house of stone

Your Ivy grows

And now I’m covered in you

They know that they need to get away from this affair and relationship HOWEVER this person is growing on them... literally. They’re completely consumed in this affair, and if this chorus is indeed from another’s perspective; it’s another feeling, as they are only growing stronger feelings compared to the other person who described them as ‘tarnished’

I wish to know

The fatal flaw which makes you long to be

Magnificently cursed

Basically our narrator is like ‘bro calm TF down stop being so mysterious...’ like chill.

He’s in the room

Your opal eyes are all I wish to see

He wants what’s only yours

Ooooo ok so, we assume our narrator is already married or in a relationship... even though she killed her last one. Her husband is waiting for her and her love, however it’s reserved for another person; her ✨secret lover✨

[repeat of the chorus]

Clover blooms in the field

Spring breaks loose, the time is near

What would he do if he found us out?

The ✨drama✨. Clover blooms represent luck, they’re holding onto some sort of hope and know that winter break is almost over. However from the vibes we assume they’re not in school. Therefore, spring indicates growth. They might be planning on running away or even confronting this man... probably wouldn’t go so well.

Crescent moon, coast is clear

Springs breaks loose, but so does fear

He’s gonna burn this house to the ground

Oof ok so they’re still sneaking around at night cause that’s when it’s most safe. They’re absolutely packing it because they have to somehow tell him... or they don’t tell him and uhhhhhh... kill him.

How’s one to know?

I’d live and die for moments that we stole

On begged and borrowed time

So the time was never really theirs, it was always more like one of them begging for attention or asking last minute for their time.

So tell me to run

Or dare to sit and what what we’ll become

And drink my husbands wine

... does she run from this psycho husband??? OR... do they wait and kill the husband and have a celebratory wine together 👁👄👁 cause now they can be together... and don’t have to worry about sneaking around anymore 👀

[Chorus again]

So yeah, it’s a fire

It’s a goddamn blaze in the dark

And you started it

Oof ok so... maybe he did start a fire and they didn’t kill him... OR does this fire represent the glow that was discussed earlier???? In her dark times she found a lover who bought them light. The ‘you started it’ sounds childish and playful, maybe they feel young again???

So yeah, it’s a war

It’s the goddamn fight of my life

And you started it

Ok so they’re confronting their husband trying to fight their RiGhT tO LoVe and it’s not going too well. The playful ‘you started it’ is no longer playful and a bit more accusing. This relationship isn’t that steady incase you can’t tell, but it’s better than a toxic possessive marriage.

[chorus final]

However this last chorus has like a heavy breathing vibe for some reason? It sounds more desperate and wild. Since I live for a dramatic story... they still killed the husband. The final ‘you’ is so free and calm, it’s over. She finally has love... or will this lover be her next victim until she gets bored and moves on again? Let me know your thoughts :)

[pageofheartanalysis]

I'd love to hear what you'd come up with for the Sylph of Breath! Whatever you have time/energy for!!! :) Welcome and thank you in advance!!! Happy to follow your blog!

Aaaaaaah pls wait your so sweet thank you so much!!!!! Let's get into it !!!

We always love a good sylph! Sylphs are often theorized to be the one who heals their aspect or the one who heals through their aspect for others. Aranea Serket, whose our canonical Sylph of Light, was shown to heal those be able to see in both a metaphorical and literal sense; examples of this being when she fixed Terezi's eyesight and also fixed Jake's mind!! The counterpart for Sylph's is the Prince class, which destroys their aspect or destroys through their aspect.

Now! Breath is all about freedom, going with the flow and where ever the wind (haha) takes you! The extended zodiac describes breath bound players as flexible and expansove, never tied down to one thing and pretty easy going people depending on their class! This players lead by example, and are hard to die down.

So! Based on these facts and what have you, I think its fair to say a Sylph of Breath would be a very interesting class!!!! Perhaps a Sylph of Breath would help their teammates by encouraging them to let go of their more suffocating obligations, allowing them to pursue better thing or what needs to be done? If that makes sense.

Sylph are pretty analytical from what we've seen in the comic, both Aranea and Kanaya are very smart and deductive characters! Nd a Sylph of Breath is no exception to this; though their challenge in their games is to act on their views and opinions rather than trying to influence from the back of the crowd.

Sylph's of Breath are very easy going and laid back people in my mind. They just want to have a good time without the hassle and fear and worry, and they want the same for their friends and everyone else. It makes me kind of think of those laid back stoner type people, or wild college frat party people. "Just come on it'll be fun have a good time let your worries fall!" Yknow?

They are probably very pushy to some degree, and likely have a hard time taking No for answer when it comes to getting their friends away from responsibilities that they seem to think are drowning them. They have good intentions really, and just want everyone to...well be free!!!

I hope this was helpful!!! :DD

[everlarkbirthdaygifts]

Happy Birthday, jbsaucy!

Happy belated Birthday, @jbsaucy​! We hope you had a wonderful day back on the 16th, and that you celebrated in style! To bring your party back around, the lovely @mega-aulover​ has written a story just for you!

For this year, I am recently divorced and trying to get the nerve up to get out there. So I would like to request a 30/40s Everlark, post divorced meeting

Jbsaucy

Dear Jbsaucy I hope you had a wonderful birthday. I apologize for the lateness, and I hope you had a wonderful day. This prompt BTW was amazing and I had a great time writing it. It was a blast. Thank you to Norbertsmom for Betaing 

Rated T 

Title:  OFF THE MARKET

-kpkpkpkp-

Divorce sucks. SUCKS.

Getting divorced sucks, being divorced sucked.

But nothing, not the tedious nature of dividing unwanted movies, the fear of root canals, or getting a speeding ticket, compared to dating. Dating, ladies and gentlemen, after being married for ten years sucked royally. 

ROYALLY!

After my divorce, my attorney suggested I get a hobby or join a club. I really wasn’t a social person. Not much of a talker, and avoided any and all spotlights. It was this fear of the spotlight that originally brought me in contact to my now ex-husband, Darius.

My best friend Gale pushed me to do one of those karaoke nights. I panicked and ran straight into Darius. He thought I was cute, and I was grateful he went up with me to the karaoke microphone. He sang and I laughed. The rest is history; the marriage only lasted ten years. But I knew we weren’t right for one another, partially because Darius was a very sexual person, for me sex wasn’t important. I got more enjoyment out of getting my teeth cleaned. He found someone who revved his engine and I got the fica and dates. 

Yup Dates.

How did that happen you ask?

Well, I’ll tell you I followed my divorce attorney’s suggestion. Preface-OUTSIDE OF A COURTROOM NEVER EVER FOLLOW YOUR DIVORCE ATTORNEY’S ADVICE.

With that warning sign, I digress. Taking a deep breath, I pinch the bridge of my nose. Wait for it... I joined a book club. 

It was the only natural course of action. After our divorce I got all of the books. You see one of the things Darius and I loved to do was go to bookstores. We’d buy all of these books with the intention of reading them, and we never did. We had bookshelves filled with books from the 100 Must-Read Classic Books by Penguin. So after my divorce, I sat in my newly minted apartment with a box of wine and all of these books. 

I was looking at the boxes, my divorce papers jutting out. Amongst them there was a note - with the name of a book club, the real 451 book club, with an address. I called them the Squad 451 or the Squad. The women were a hodgepodge of personalities; the right blend of sweet and crazy. There is Mags, the motherly type. She has boatloads of grandchildren. Then there is her neighbor Greasy Sae  who runs a diner in town. I used to go to her diner as a kid and consume her mystery meat soups. The older woman is bawdy and half of the things she says makes me blush redder than a red bean. Next is Annie, a shy, slightly mad girl who is a librarian. Delly has the personality of the southern bell who wears pink and believes in romance. I’ve known of Delly forever; she and I went to the same high school. 

Foxface,  has one of those names with multiple consonants and vowels but prefers to go by Foxy or Foxface. She is freakishly smart and sometimes, I think she has blackmarket dealings because she’s so secretive. Then there is Effie, the middle aged, tightly wound woman whose book choices are as repressed as she is, like Jane Eyre. And last, but not least, is my divorce lawyer, yes the very same one who suggested I get a hobby, Johanna Mason who is, well, a sex fiend. 

I started meeting up with them, and six months after my divorce, that’s when the ladies conspired against me and set up my profile on one of those dating websites looking for men, for me. I had no idea, and on my birthday, they presented me with their “gift.” 

It was the gift you didn’t want, like a pimple on your wedding day or the runs before an important interview, or bad breath before a first kiss. 

Greasy said that if I didn’t use my, well, feminine - looks around - petals. That they’ll dry up and turn into ugly petunias. I announced sex wasn’t important, and even friged Effie said a lady needed to literally, figuratively, and metaphorically, occassionally let her hair down. 

 I said NO.

I demanded.

I scowled.

Nothing helped.

They created a profile based upon themselves, and yet through describing themselves they pegged me. I was nurturing. I had a sexy edge. I was introverted, and yet mysterious. I was smart, honest, loyal and a closet romantic. But if you tell anyone that, I’ll hunt you down, even after I’m dead. 

They split me up like a kid of divorced parents being schlepped from one house to the other. They set themselves up in teams and each team got to pick my dates. And everytime we met for a book club meeting, I was to dutifully report on the date. Based upon their success, a second date would be permitted. 

It was a simple proposition. 

I was naive. A stupid idiot, or as Bugs Bunny say’s, a maroon. 

Because I hadn’t really ever been out there. 

To be honest, I met Darius right out of high school, at my first college party, and we were married - okay it wasn’t a big wedding. It really wasn’t a wedding at all. It was a spur of the moment, we got drunk and ended up at one of those Elvis chapel impersonators. Annnnd bada-bing. 

I never really dated, so I agreed with the book club’s plan, because how hard could dating be?

 And thus began my nightmare.

I must state, or emphatically note, not all of my “dates,” were catastrophically bad. To be fair, most of the time I wasn’t interested. Delly said I wasn’t romantically pulled. Johnna said my engine wasn’t revved up. Greasy said if the man didn’t make me want to orgasam with a look, then he wasn’t worth my time. I posed this question to the universe: How in blazing blue inferno does a man make a woman...well you know, with a look? Was that even possible?

A hazy yellow fuzz enters my head and my mind wanders. I conjure up blue eyes and translucent lashes that never tangle.  

Sigh.

…. (my brain just short circuited at the thought of large hands)

Earth to Katniss. 

Okay sorry, I spaced out for a little bit, and their words spurred me on to continue my journey. And one year after my divorcce I had stories, no I have battle scars.  To prove my point, the following are my top three worst dates. In no particular order.  

Date Disaster # 1 was with an artsy type at a chique Italian restaurant. He arrived late, and was drunk, high, or both. Then fell asleep on his plate of bolognese. Yup, in his plate of spaghetti and meat sauce. I paid for my half, tucked my tail between my legs and left.

Date Disaster #2 was with a small man with glasses and a massive intellect who didn’t stop talking about flamingos. FLAMING PINK FLAMINGOS. My brain shut down. I didn’t hear the music in the jazz themed restaurant. I didn’t even taste the heat in the gumbo. The only factoid I remembered when we said goodnight was that flamingos were gray when they were born. I couldn’t even tell you how they became pink. The man was the human form of anesthesia for my soul. 

Date Disaster #3 was a nice man. We laughed. And everything was going well. We ordered drinks, a cranberry and soda for me, the bartender special for him while we waited for our table. Turns out he has a milk allergy and the bartender special had milk. When we sat down at the table and we were talking about our hobbies, his stomach began to grumble loudly. He became pasty and then as the waiter brought out our appetizers, he threw up all over the place. It was a good thing that throwing up didn't bother me, but it bothered our waiter who gagged. Needless to say, I burned the outfit I was wearing.  

Those were the top three...but there were more, just simmering to become the top one. And for a time I thought I wasn’t made to date.  But the ladies had faith and they were really trying to choose nice, interesting guys. However, nothing, nothing that I could ever imagine could top my latest date. 

I’m rushing along the sidewalk. I don’t want to be late, but at the same time, I don’t want to tell them how much of a calamity my latest date was, but to be completely honest, I don’t want to miss it. Tonight is also the night the group meets at Mellark’s. The friendly cafe style bakery with its rich and yummy pastries, both savory and sweet. It is my favorite place to meet. Squad 451 meets twice a month in different locations, including one of the two meeting rooms in the library, one of the community rooms in the Justice Building, and on our birthdays, we meet in a restaurant, but the bakery on Main Street is our favorite location. The Mellarks owned several locations. The flagship store was always managed by one of the original family members.  

If George Senior, or the middle son Ryan Mellark is at the helm of the bakery, they allow us to cavort in the shop until close. When his older brother George Junior or their Mother Muriel was in charge, we tended to be quiet, relegating our conversations to the books. When Peeta is in charge, there are free cheese buns and chaos. 

Please, stomach gods, let Peeta be there. I skipped lunch today because I had a deadline. I also forgot my wallet at home. Thankfully, my license was at the bottom of my backpack. I need food before my stomach eats itself. I am starving when I walk into the bakery. When I see Peeta, I stop. His blue eyes meet mine and my stomach flip flops. He gives me a slow sweet smile, before his eyes slide back to the customer who is ordering.

“Katniss,” Delly squeaks, waving frantically.

Somehow, my feet carry me over to the table and there is a plate of cheese buns and I thank every celestial being in the universe. His buns are heavenly. Sitting down, I take a napkin and snatch one.  My mouth waters and my lashes close as I bring the cheese bun to my mouth.  The smell of melted cheese, fresh bread, and the hint of dill, assuage my nose, before I bite into one of Peeta’s coveted flaky concoctions. The combination of the oozing cheese, the herbs and the buttery bread elicit a moan from deep within my being. These freaking cheese buns will be the death of me. 

“Wow.” Peeta’s voice causes my lashes to fly open. 

Peeta is standing near me with a cup of tea; his face and neck splotchy and red.  

My mouth is full of delicious food, but I forgot how to chew. 

Delly is looking between us. Her pale blue eyes quizzical, like when she’s trying to understand a concept or theme in a book.

 “Okay, bitches,” Johanna says, slamming her brief down. “Where’s the rest of the motley crew?”

“Mags and Greasy just arrived,” Delly answers absentmindedly. 

“Hey, Peeta, I need a strong black coffee.” 

“Sure,” Peeta says, all the while staring at me. I finally remember to chew. “Here Katniss, your tea.”   

Taking the paper cup, I can’t help feeling bashful. “Thank you.”

“Peet,” the girl behind the counter calls. 

Whenever Peeta is here, the business is brisk. He is charming. He was always charming, even back in high school he was the most popular guy, not only because of his looks, but because he was genuinely nice. I, like all of the other girls, had a mini crush on him. 

Looking over his shoulder he says, “I’ll be right back with your coffee, Jo.” 

Now Jo is looking between him and me, but hers is a wicked grin, like right before she nails a sleazebag who doesn’t want to pay for his children. I quirk an eyebrow, clueless as to what has Johanna showing off her predatory gleam. 

“Oh, it’s chilly outside,” Mags says.

“It’s colder than Rudolph’s balls outside,” Greasy says, her gruff voice is booming. Several patrons look at her. Greasy does not care. She’s well past her sixties and it’s her motto that she should live each day as if it was her last. 

In walks Effie, Annie, and Foxface, and they all say, “Hello,” in unison. 

The book of the month is actually a YA fiction called, The Fault in Our Stars, about teens with a terminal illness. I cried when Gus...I tear up once more...at the memory. But I know we aren’t going to discuss Hazel’s predicament with her parents. 

“So,” Delly says, bouncing in her chair.

I can’t help but grimace.

“How did it go?” Foxface says. She has an accent, but I can’t place it. 

“He looked like he belonged on one of those erotic books Johanna loves to read,” Greasy says, grabbing a cheese bun.

She’s not wrong. Gloss was a blond adonis, with slate blue eyes. And abs that have a flipping twelve pack, I ought to know, I counted them. The words are out of my mouth before I am aware of what I am saying.  “He really does with a twelve pack,” I say drinking my tea.

“Did you say twelve pack?” Johanna sat up. 

My eyes widen. 

“Wait, why are you blushing Katniss?” Foxface narrows her eyes.

“Did you and he…” Annie trails off. Her doe eyes are wide. 

“Did you have your first sleepover?” Effie leaned in. 

“Or did you dry hump him like a horny-toad dog?” Greasy’s voice bounces in the bakery.

Peeta’s pauses , wiping down the counter and looks directly at me. 

“NO!” My voice sounds half strangled.

Jo and Delly exchange a look. “Peeta,” Delly calls him over. 

Oh, no, no, no, I say to myself, eyeing how quickly I can get from the back corner to the exit. It is one thing to tell the squad, it is another to have Peeta know. I think I can sprint around the chairs and clear the table near the door like an olympic hurdle jumper. 

Peet walks over. “Hey Dells, can I get you ladies anything?”

“Katniss was going to regale us with her latest date,” Delly says.

“She’s going to tell us how she knows her date has Thor’s body.” 

“You’re dating?” Peeta asks, looking at me intently.

He doesn’t know I am dating or rather, being raked through hot coals.

“Oh,” Foxface chortles. “She’s dating.”

“Remember the guy who was texting with his mother during the entire date,” Effie said.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Mags saids grinning.

“Only the part when he had Katniss talk to her, and it turned out she was psychoanalyzing her to make sure she wasn’t an ax murderer,” Annie said laughing.

“Or what about the guy who kept on mentioning his ex and cried through the crème brûlée,” Greasy slaps her knee, laughing.

I can’t help but laugh. 

“Man, those are pretty bad,” Peeta says.

I hold up my finger. “No, those are tame.”

“Tame?” His blue eyes are sparkling. “You mean there are worse dates?”

Delly snorts. “Oh there are worse. I am so glad I am out of the dating pool.”  

“Yeah, Gale just loves you,” Annie sighs. 

Delly and Gale met when I joined the book club. And while I floundered, they fell in love and now Delly was pregnant.  

My eyes shift to Annie. “It’s so much easier when you fall in love.”

“Oh?” I say.

“I met someone,” Annie says softly. “He wants to meet all of us.”

I wonder what type of guy would date quiet, shy, introverted Annie who sometimes says things that remind me of that song from those Freddy movies from the 80’s. I shake my head.  Then I narrow my eyes. “Bring him to the next session,” I hear myself say. I want to meet this man, and make sure he will take care of my friend. 

“Really.” Annie clasps her hands.

I nod, but I notice Peeta is looking at me with this strange gleam in his eyes.  “Ah...yeah.” My voice sounds breathy. I frown, wondering why the heck I sound like one of those girls. You know the ones that always appear in the music videos washing cars and dancing on super yachts. Darius was fascinated by those girls, heck, his new girlfriend looks like one of those girls.

The women are chatting with Annie about the new guy in her life.  

“We'll discuss Annie’s beau later,” Mags holds her hand in the air. “I want to hear about Katniss’ date.” Her white hair spills over her shoulder as she fixes me with a look. “So tell us, how do you know Thor has a twelve pack?”

Somehow or another I knew the scrutiny on Annie would be short lived. My time to shine would come, but when I open my mouth to speak I can see a conspiratorial glance between Mags and Annie. And it hits me that they chose this man, because he looked like Thor. I scowl at the women who set me up on this one. Mags and Annie both have a pink tinge to their faces. I would have expected this from Jo or Greasy, but Mags and Annie, well it’s INCONCEIVABLE! 

I begin to speak. “He asked me to meet him at the edge of town, near route twelve.”

“Isn't that where Ripper’s place is?” Effie questioned, and she couldn’t hide her revulsion. 

“Yup,” I said, popping the ‘P’, thinking of the bar that disguised itself as an eatery. It was a seedy diner with cracked linoleum floors, yellowing formica, booths that had patches, blinking lights, and rickety chairs. 

“That’s where he asked you to meet him?” Mag’s sounds outraged. “That place is…is-”

“- a bedhaven for unsavory characters,” Foxface finishes. 

“You're brainless,” Jo mutters darkly. "Ripper's isn't the type of place you can go to Katniss. You should have called me."

As protective as I am about my friends, so is Jo. She's tough on the outside but has a really soft center. It's what makes her a perfect shark in the courtroom. Not that Darius was a jerk during our divorce. He actually wasn't. Johanna was present at the restaurant where he announced he wanted a divorce. Johanna later said it was my face, the vulnerability I tried to hide was why she took my divorce pro-bono. 

“I drove and brought my bottle of mace.” I know what everyone was thinking. The area in town where Ripper’s is located at, made the bad side of town look like a tourist destination. I didn't mind meeting my date there. I was looking forward to a basket of fries. Ripper's had amazing beer-battered fries. 

I've been to Ripper's once. I was with Gale and Thom who needed to score fake IDs. I ordered the fries, since I wasn't there for an ill gotten identification. But let me tell you, those fries. Oh! Holy mother of fries, no other fries can compare. 

Shivers!

I love food; it's why I'm a food critic now. What's so funny is that it was those fries that began my career as Buttercup, the elusive food critic. Back then I was Buttercup, the fussy eater. I blogged about them, no, I lavished them with love. I love my job. I can go into any restaurant, order anything on the menu, blog about it and get paid handsomely. And, most importantly, I can do it anonymously. Not even Darius knew I was Buttercup. He thought I was a boring housewife. Getting back to the fries, I wasn’t deterred from getting my fries.

“So then what happened?” Annie asked.

“He was there waiting for me. He stood up and smiled. And he's massive-"

"Just like a book cover," Foxface mutters.

 "He said his name wasn't Anthony, it’s Gloss.”

“Gloss?” Everyone said at the same time.

“Yup.” I sighed. “It was a sign. I should've left." Damn those fries! 

“So Gloss…" Peeta's sparkling eyes are on mine, his are an amazing hue of blue, like the indigo milk cap mushrooms. "Looks like Thor."  He frowns. "Thor with the long hair or short?"

"Long." The women around me answered as one.

Peeta turned those gorgeous eyes back to me.

Thor isn’t my cup of tea. I shrugged to show my indifference. "Gloss was sporting the Ragnarok look, short hair with facial hair."

 I swear I watch Peeta mouth, "short hair."

"Anyway, we sat at a booth. It was packed, actually." That should've been clue number two. Men at a joint like Ripper's at 8:30 on a Friday night, it was by the highway, plausible. But packed with just as many women. "The waitress who took our drink order could barely hear me."

"Was he nice?" Annie asks.

"He was sweet." Truthfully Gloss was a sweet guy.  He talked about his mother in a positive way, even if she gave him the name that was another descriptor for shiny objects. "He was attentive too. He told me his mother worked in the makeup industry. "

"That doesn't sound too awful," Delly says.

"He sounds delightful." Mags pushes her reading glasses up the bridge of her nose.  The gang is getting tired of the story and I hope they will move on to the reason we are  gathered, discussing the book we were reading. I begin to reach into my backpack because I really hate purses.

"If he's so delightful, why did he ask you to meet him at Ripper's?" Johanna says in her cross examination voice.

I wince as I take out my book.

"Yes, you must explain." Foxface demands.

"It's not nice to leave us dangling." Effie levels a look at me that has me squirming, feeling like I was being summoned into the principal's office. 

"I wanna know how you know Gloss has a twelve pack," Greasy says.

Peeta looks at me expectantly. 

Anndddd were back. I sigh. Will he run for the hills when I tell him? Most likely.

"We were talking about dancing.” My voice loses all it’s warmth. “I don't dance."

This causes a rumble of laughter and giggles amongst the women. Peeta looks confused. Finally Delly wipes the tears from her face and gasps, “You should never dance. Ever!” 

"That poor man’s toes,” Mags says, her shoulders shaking.

“Do I need to know?” Peeta looks between them. 

“I don’t dance!” I growl. The group erupts into another bout of laughter. 

“It was a scheme, a dirty underhanded scheme,” Effie says. 

The guy I was supposed to date was a dance instructor. He used the dating app as a way to drum up business. When the women meet him, he pairs them with guys who were there for a lesson. He paired me with a poor man named Harry. My nerves got the better of me, because I don’t like to be touched. Harry’s hands were sweaty. Harry tried to dip me as per my date’s instructions. I tripped, and in the process his toes were crushed, and I ended up with a sprained ankle. 

When I arrived in crutches to the next book club, well, that was one of those dates that simmers at the surface vying to be in the top three. 

“Gloss didn’t believe me. He said anyone can dance. I told him no, and explained that there are people who are predisposed to fly in airplanes, and some who get motion sickness in a car. “

“What happened next?” Foxface asks, moving to the edge of her chair.

“He went to the jukebox.”

“Oh no,” Johanna mutters. “Did he end up in the hospital?” 

“Is that how you know he’s got a twelve pack?” Greasy questions. The ladies, and Peeta are all staring at me. 

I shake my head. Why couldn’t there be a rush of customers right now? It is calm and I know the odds are against me. 

“Spill it!” Johanna demands. 

“Well, he queued up a song and waited a beat, and then Lenny’s Kravits’ American Woman started blaring. Gloss started sauntering and spun and did the splits on the floor. Next thing I know, the women in the place go nuts. They surround him, like a rabid pack of wild dogs.”

“Wait, what!” Delly exclaims her pale eyes bright, she grips the book in her hand. 

“That doesn’t happen,” Peeta says.

“It does to her,” Foxface said, her eyes shining with ferocity, like the eyes of those women at Rippers.

“Shut it blondie,” Johanna orders. 

“Yeah,” Annie says.

Taking a deep breath I continue. “He started dancing...hips…” my brain flashing to his hips gyrating. “...jutting out and…”

“Ohhhhh yeah,” Greasy cackles.

“Gyrating, his hips gyrating,” Foxface gasps.

With eyes closed I nod. “His hips were doing that all over the place. He then jumped on the table and proceeded to rip off his shirt. He shouted my name and told me his next move was his favorite. He spun onto his knees and slid up in my face before dropping his drawers.” I lower my eyes. 

“What,” Delly squeaked. “His pants?”

“It’s like Magic Mike,” Mags whispers.

I know the movie Mag’s is referring to. I’ve never seen it. “Yes.” 

“Was he naked-” Foxface began.

“-or was he wearing-” Annie cut Foxface off only to be cut off herself. 

“A G-String!” Greasy shouted excited.

I shook my head no. He wasn’t wearing anything, I can feel the heat burning my ears.

“Well don’t stop! What happened next!” Even Effie has lost her sense of propriety. 

“As I looked for an escape. It’s then I noticed  the poster on the wall, for the Slag Heap.” I pause and sigh, “Men’s Magic Friday Night Extravaganza, and Gloss was the headliner. I realized he’s a stripper.” 

And the place erupts in laughter. 

“What did you do?” Peeta asks.

My eyes connect with his.

“I slunk down to the floor and crawled my way out...drove to the hospital and made my sister administer a tetanus shot.”

 “Can I have his number?” Johanna says laughing but her eyes are dead serious. 

Peeta is smiling at me and I grab a cheese bun because they are as delicious as the man staring at me. 

Eventually we do get to the book, and it’s a pretty good discussion. Peeta let us stay until closing. Mags and Greasy are the last of the ladies to leave. It’s just me and Peeta since he let the staff go home. I’m loitering because I feel like I need to explain to Peeta why I let the ladies talk me into dating. 

I’m putting up the chairs on the tables when Peeta comes out. 

“You’re still here?”

“Yeah.” I look down at my feet.

“Katniss.”

“Peeta.” We both say at the same time, followed by a nervous chuckle.

“You first,” Peeta insists, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Dating wasn’t my idea.”

“It wasn't?” He raised an eyebrow.

I shake my head. 

“So what happened?”

“The ladies, they got me a year long subscription for my birthday, and knowing I wouldn’t go through with it, they choose who I date...until I find someone,” I can feel the heat rising from my neck and reaching my cheeks, “I like.”

“Really?”

I nod, incapable of speaking.  I cannot stop watching the way he blinks, those darned translucent lashes that never tangle. 

“Dating is pretty brutal.”

“Yeah,” I snort because dating is horrible. 

“My family is constantly setting me up. I went out with a girl who sang through the entire meal. She chose the pasta and sang On Top of Spaghetti.”

“What?” I laugh.

“That was my dad’s doing. My mom’s choice was a lot scarier. She made me do an obstacle course and made me do it three times until I beat the time she wanted me to reach.”

“Wow.”

“I was dressed in dress slacks, a nice shirt, and a tie.” He deadpans, “I even had on dress shoes.”

“I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he shrugs. 

I couldn't help but smile. 

“Dating sucks until you find someone who makes you laugh, someone who makes dancing easy.”

He approaches or maybe it’s my own feet that carry me to him. But it doesn’t matter because when his arm slides along my waist, and the other cradles my hand, I have no fears. There is something familiar with him as I dance with him. A slow shuffle, that has the room spinning but none of it matters because I feel at home.

“Will you dance with me Katniss?” His voice rumbles in my ear and my heart is pounding in my chest.

His scent is a warm heady mixture of spices, dill, vanilla, and cinnamon. 

“Would you go out with me Katniss?”

“Yes,” I answer, and just like that my dating profile goes up in flames. Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially off the market.

[connorgoldie604]

Artist Research

Tetsuo Aoki (1940 - unknown)

"The theme of my artwork is to express the pleasure, the deepness and the importance of touching each other. The original world of woodblock with Japanese paper (Washi) and Chinese ink (Sumi) is my basis."

Tetsuo Aoki – 青木鐵男 is a Japanese woodblock printmaker, who was born in 1940. He utilises wood to engrave his designs and uses a black and white colour scheme consistently throughout his prints. 

His elongated, disproportional and overstretched characters immediately caught my eye and he is now one of my biggest inspirations. I love the layouts he uses and the overall distorted aesthetic of his work. Aoki’s graphic style is far from ordinary. He utilizes defined shapes and little shadowing which creates a sense of sentimentality. 

Bryan Nash Gill (1961 - 2013)

"Art is (or should be) an authentic experience, which brings you closer to understanding yourself in relation to your surroundings." - Bryan Nash Gill

Bryan creates large-scale relief prints from the cross-sections of trees. It is up to us as viewers to find meaning in Bryans art. Personally, I find his art both beautiful and thought-provoking; it portrays the idea of growth and change yet makes me think about sustainability and the living things that surround us humans. 

Bryan believes that the journey is more important than the destination; "Strict concentration on the making, the process, is more important than the result." His take on the process of art is almost a metaphor for all things organic - he lived in the moment and did not let his thoughts guide him.

Gill creates patterns from fallen or damaged trees which he rescues from the property surrounding his studio. He prepares blocks of recycled wood, coats it in a thin layer of ink then makes prints by carefully pressing the contours of the wood until the intricate designs transfer from tree to paper. It is important to Gill that the entire tree and all it’s intricisies is documented.

Hulya Ozdemir

“I think my paintings are timeless. My portraits do not remain imprisoned in a single statement. Their gazes are changing, just like us. One day in the same picture is sad, another day is possible to see a happy face.” - Hulya Ozdemir 

Hulya Ozdemir  is an illustrator and painter of watercolor portraits who was born in Istanbul, Turkey in 1972. Hulya focuses predominantly on female portraits and showcases women becoming self confident and breaking out of social norms created by a make-dominated society. Hulya does not sketch her work beforehand, she draws directly onto paper, adds patterns and then paints; “I can say, I rarely know what will happen in the next step.” 

Her work displays womens beauty and individuality through the use of texture, bold colours and many patterns. Her use of colour, pattern and texture stould out to me, and I used it as inspiration for a mixed media print.

Glenn Jones

Glenn Jones found internet fame in the 2000s with his unique T-shirt designs. His tees have even be worn by stars on the Big Bang Theory. He is an illustrator who’s work is now being published as prints. Glenns collection of prints are inspired by growing up and living in NZ, he has stated that he want’s to put  “my own spin on our pop culture”. 

His prints are some what comedic, he depicts relatable Kiwi experiences with a humorous touch. One source states “his prints are a statement in a picture about our collective identities and the shared experiences of living in Aotearoa in the early 21st century.” His kiwiana style and clever twists with a touch of nostalgia is inspiring. I find his work both quirky and fun.

Barry Ross Smith 

"I like to create a rapport with the viewer by playing with our reminiscences. Creating icons from our shared Kiwi past, the beach, the bach, the farm but mostly the people. We can identify with these characters as family, friends or someone we know." - Barry Ross Smith

Barry Ross Smith is a visual artist born in Kamo, Northland, New Zealand. When he first started producing art his medium was sign writing, and he has now been painting for over 25 years. As stated by New Zealand Fine Prints Ltd; “His work typically engages with the conception of myth and cultural identity, often exploring these avenues from a New Zealand male’s perspective.”His art is inspired by the relationship between individuals and their immediate environment, specifically our communion with the land & encompassing oceans. His work has been described as “hymns to rural New Zealand … tellingly observed and cleverly rendered” by NZ Hearld Critic TJ Mcnamara.

I admire Barry because his work showcases our beautiful land and animals. Aswell as how work, Barry inspires me as a person. He is involved with Pest free NZ; and helps restore native wildlife from extinction. He values New Zealand land not only in his work but in his day to day life, which I find extremely inspiring as I value sustainability and our saving our environment. I also find his use of surrealism and kiwiana themes interesting as it is something I want to experiment with in the future.

Tony Ogle

"Screen-printing allows me to express my love of the New Zealand landscape and ocean environment with strong colours in a direct and graphic manner".

Tony Ogle was born in 1959 and is one of New Zealand's most successful printmakers. Ogle’s prints are full of colour, vibrant and celebrates New Zealands coastal landscapes. His works are extremely technically complex and handmade, with only one edition ever produced. Ogle’s joyful prints celebrates the Kiwi beach life and showcases his authentic connection with New Zealand coastal landscapes.

He is inspired by locations off the beaten track and untouched stitches of the NZ coastlines that portray "unchanged timelessness". Tony strives to capture what he calls a "sense of place" in his art prints. 

His work is inspiring since I can relate to it as a Kiwi and I admire how he uses texture to convey a sense of calmness, he perfectly captures Aotearoas essence. 

Charles Frederick Goldie

Charles Frederick Goldie was born in Auckland, New Zealand, on 20 October 1870.   He is an ancestor of mine, who painted Māori history paintings and portraits of tattooed chiefs. His paintings have been turned into many prints nowadays, I’ve even seen his paintings on postcards and magnets whilst travelling the South Island. 

Goldie's career began in 1900 when he started painting images  depicting elderly Māori with moko, the 'noble relics of a noble race'. By 1904 Goldie was considered the leading portrait painter of Māori, and was renowned for his technical brilliance.  His portraits have become vitally significant to New Zealand art.

Goldie feared that Māori were about to die out or be assimilated by the pakeha so he set out to record the last survivors. This is reinforced through the poses of his elderly subjects and the titles of many of his paintings eg; Last of the Cannibals, A Noble Relic of a Noble Race. Two of his most celebrated works, Darby and Joan and The Widow, portray Goldie’s awareness of the hardships Maori were experiencing. Many Māori individuals see Goldie's works as taonga which represents irreplaceable ancestral images of koroua and kuia. Māori believe the wairua( spirit) of the subject resides in each picture. 

I am inspired by Goldie not only because I feel a cultural connection to him but because of his love for Māori culture. His paintings are full of intricate details, and his paintings often look like they can breathe which I find incredible. 

Lauren Liess

A crooked smile, wildflowers from the side of the road, a chip in the good china; I love it when things are slightly off and tell a story, because to me, that’s real life. And it’s beautiful.

Lauren Liess is an interior designer who’s style I find inspiring and aesthetic. What caught my eye is her use of prints and nature in her interior design. Her style is simple, relaxed and authentic. She utilizes natural materials, thoughtful art and decor that focuses on people rather than things. 

She has a toes-in-the-stream aesthetic and is obsessed with the outdoors, “I’m obsessed with what’s going on outside,” and utilizes a black, white and wood pallet paired with lots of greenery, “When you bring in bits of nature …artwork, interesting accents and fabrics, [the colors are] a museum showcase for it. It’s a textural, natural base.” 

I relate to her as we are both inspired by the outdoors. I also like how she incorporates living plants and wood into her modern style.