#breakdown this week. yesterday was also really bad and I was really kinda close. to. Having one and doing bad 👎 things | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

what-if-nct · 1 year ago

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Heyy I just need to rant if that’s okay. For context I am 17 and so I’m aware that this is probably just silly drama and stuff but I’m still stressed anyways. Also I’m probably going to give people numbers (people in my group of friends) and numbers (people outside my group of friends) as names. Basically, in the past few weeks 4, 6, A and L have become very close and frequently speak but some of us have felt (especially 1, 3 (me) and 5) that it’s been quite excessive and has damaged our group dynamic and things and have excluded some of us at some points. For example, at a sleepover for our group 4 and 6 kept messaging on this groupchat with A and L for ages and talking about their own plans together the next day rather than partaking in the group conversations. I’ve felt a bit uncomfortable at times but when I found out others felt left out an things I wanted to mention this to 4 and 6 before the situation exacerbated. 1 had actually messaged 6 about it but made it seem like 5 and me felt the same way she did but there are slight but still important differences in our feelings regarding the situation. She did not message 4 because she felt that 4 didn’t like her anyways. I bump into 6 who was looking very distressed and said that I was going to text her later on (we were busy at the time and it was a bit sudden). I’ve been close friends with 6 for the longest out of them (around 5-6 years now) and so even though we communicate and take in information differently, we don’t really have many problems in expressing things to each other or fully understanding what we mean (eg they tend to exaggerate things a bit or say some things that appear more important a bit lightheartedly and I’ve learnt to be able to kinda interpret it and get the truth from it). So I didn’t feel too worried about talking to her because I knew we could communicate how we felt, actually listen to each other and not have an argument or breakdown. However, it was a whole different story with 4. I’ve actually had a crush on 4 since September and my feelings did deepen and increase when we became close friends in November but that’s a short amount of time in comparison to 6. They very likely don’t feel the same way towards me and since late December my feelings became less intense but still exist. I felt that it was unfair to only speak to 6 about it and so I messaged 4 but I could not predict their reaction at all or how the conversation would go or what the outcome would be. When I like someone I do tend to become quite anxious, worried about upsetting them and very concerned with their opinion of me which isn’t good but it isn’t as bad as it used to be. This made me very very anxious in this situation (also btw the message was not angry, agressive or passive agressive at all) and I was texted 1 about how anxious I was. Due to being very anxious and crying so much I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t write a response to their response and so I was speaking to 1 and she was trying to help. I usually would not show another person my messages but I literally couldn’t think. 1 did not like 4’s response at all and said to me that it made them frustrated and caused them to question why and what we were even upset over in the first place. I ended responding to 4 explaining some of the misunderstandings in the message and luckily got to sleep. The next day 6 and I were fine and I didn’t really speak to 4 and so was quite worried still. After speaking to my mum, I felt much better and she didn’t see much problem with the message from 4. Although, I did speak to 5 in person and she said that she thought 4 and 6 were gaslighting us. Personally, I’ve felt much better today and yesterday. I’ve felt more comfortable and open and I think 4 is paying more attention to what I’m actually saying (eg in my response to 4 I mentioned that I felt more comfortable at the time saying it over text and I frequently get anxious when talking in person and my words can become jumbled or don’t make sense. I tend to hide this quite well and as we haven’t spoken for a long time, they

hadn’t really noticed this. Those I’ve known for longer are aware of this and so I mentioned this at lunch and I think 4 now understands that). I can also speak to 4 like a normal person again rather than being slightly terrified like I was on Friday. We are fine enough now for us to have a snowball fight and for us to share my scarf to warm our hands so I’m pretty sure we are okay and I’m quite comfortable again. Also, we were comparing our heights today and usually people go back to back in my experience but she went face to face and I haven’t had someone aside from my cat that close to face in years (i haven’t had my first kiss before lolll so I haven’t had someone that close before but neither have they). I still kind of like them and things. It’s a bit sad but as I don’t think they like me I get quite happy and satisfied with very small and insignificant things like them looking at me when there’s no need to do so (like when someone in another direction is talking and I’m just sitting existing) and making eye contact or hand touches and stuff but I should shut up before I get delulu. However, 1 seems a bit uncomfortable still and I got a text from 5 asking me if I agree that 4 and 6 are spending a lot of time together and are deliberately excluding 1 and me out. Like idk what to say because I do agree that they are spending a lot of time with each other and to some extent 1 and I have been excluded but I don’t think it’s deliberate and I don’t want to cause any more problems and disruptions as things for me have calmed down now. 5 is the type of person to interpret things in her own way and not really account for others perceptions and feelings sometimes and she often makes some quite generalised statements. So I don’t know really what to say without causing any further problems. I also have to do this debate thing about Luther being a heretic tmw and I cannot, I am too tired and I’m not prepared but eh. I’m hoping for snow again tmwPart 3… as I was writing that I started thinking that it could seem that 4 and 6 are spending more time together because they like each other but 6 is most definitely interested in someone else (M). And omg I forgot another stressful thing. Right so S is my go to person to rant to, update on everything good and bad, and to talk to about crushes and whatever. She used to go to our school but moved to another when we were changing from secondary school to sixth form. Turns out that she’s potentially been a bit of a bitch to 6. S has been friends with both 6 and I since we were 11/12 and have been in the same group. Apparently S had been taking screenshots of messages from the gc of 6 complaining about her sister (R) who’s about 2 years younger than us and sending the screen shots to R. The complaints aren’t even that bad and is typical for sisters born around the same time (especially if the younger is clearly the favourite of the two). S stopped talking to 6 and so 6 got quite worried and as it was going on for a while and I had less messages from S I texted her asking if she was okay. She was okay and she said that she had spoken to 6. Turns out S told 6 that she left because she couldn’t stand being around her. This is harsh but I mean there shouldn’t be any expectation that our friendship would still remain the same and be eternal. I cannot support S sending screenshots to R and this has made me question things as well (like what if she’s told others about my secrets). As a result I can’t really update her and so I don’t really have an uninvolved person to speak to. S has also been texting 1 and 5 complaining about 6.

Firstly no it isn't dramatic, no matter how old friendship issues are hard and stressful. Your feelings right now are very real and very valid. I'm glad you were able to work it out with 4 it seems like it was just simple misunderstanding through text, it's difficult to convey what you really mean through text tone. Especially when you're nervous so it's great you were able to smooth it over. But it is pretty normal for certain parts of friend groups to have just alone time. It's actually pretty healthy for that to happen so I think as long as they still engage with the group I don't think you all have anything to worry about. Yeah what S did is really weird and 6 cutting them off was the best choice. Same for you because if they're able to do it to someone else in your friend group I understand that concern of what else they could have shared that you told them in confidence. I think being cautious with S is for the best. I really hope everything in your friend group works out well.

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heyheydidjaknow · 4 years ago

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I’m uploading this Friday at 12:10 am. Or, at least, that’s when I finished writing this. Yes, we’re still on the angst thing. It won’t last forever, but still.

Chapter 9

“How is she?”

Donatello sits down next to his brother on the couch. “Same as yesterday,” he sighs. “Comatose.”

“I still can’t believe it,” Raphael smirks. “That stupid bitch decided to total the fuckin—"

“Raphael,” he promises coolly, “I will personally make it my life’s goal to make sure you can never open your mouth again if you don’t shut up.”

He puts his hands up. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Will you two be quiet for a minute? I’m trying to listen.” Leonardo kneels in front of the television.

There is a new news story.

“They can’t arrest her, can they?” The tallest brother glances at the others.

“Nah.” Michelangelo is sprawled out on his portion of the couch, eyes dully focused on the screen. “They’ll side with her before someone from a street gang, ‘specially with those…” He trails off. “’ Sides,” he clears his throat, “any good public defense lawyer would call it self-defense, and there’s no way the police would convict a teenage girl of any degree of murder with the injuries she has; bad press.”

“Mikey,” Leo asks, “how come you know that and not how to multiply numbers by seven?”

“Because seven is a stupid number that was created just to make us all feel stupid.”

“Leo—”

“He’s right,” Raph agrees. “They won’t put her away for something like that.” He chuckles darkly. “Besides, there’s no more evidence.”

“After what happened with the neurologist?”

“Donnie,” Leo turns to look at him. “She’s going to be fine.”

He opens his mouth to argue, closes it.

” The perpetrator,” the news anchor reads, ” was found this morning after a panicked nine-one-one caller had seen the hand of the assailant hanging over a ledge. The corpse had, presumably, been flung away from the scene of the incident as a consequence of the explosion, miraculously landing on the roof of a nearby restaurant. The body has been identified as Fong Zhao, who was arrested on multiple charges of armed battery earlier this year. The police have refrained from offering Channel Six detailed information, but we have an anonymous source who claims that he and the gang he is supposedly involved in, locally referred to as the Purple Dragons, was also involved in the hijacking of a truck carrying a substance believed to be tear gas. The driver of the truck testified in favor of this statement earlier this evening. An investigation is currently ongoing regarding the involvement of the men in question, and we at Channel Six implore our viewers to come forward with any information you may have on the case or the supposed ringleader, the recently escaped Xever Montes. More on that later tonight. Up next, a local—”

Leonardo shuts off the television. “Well, there you go.” He stands up. “See? Didn’t even mention her name.”

Donatello breathes out a sigh of relief. “Good,” he nods after a moment. “That’s... good.” He cradles his head in his hand, his concerns hardly pacified by the report.

This, he cannot excuse. This is entirely a matter of his own negligence.

‘I should’ve noticed sooner, insisted to come with.’ He zones out, his brother starting a conversation about something he cannot bring himself to pay attention to. ‘How could she be that reckless? It’s Shredder for fuck’s sake; I should’ve at least noticed the body or something, anything.’ His fingers lace together as he stares a hole into the ground. ‘Even if I couldn’t have stopped her, I should’ve been there, if only after the fact.’ He runs his tongue along his teeth absentmindedly. ‘Some ninja I am. Some friend. Some—’

“So, I broke Y/N’s arms, right?”

His head snaps up. “You what?”

“There he is,” Raph chuckles. “Knew that’d get his attention.”

“Don’t make me go over there,” he glares. His face flushes in embarrassment.

Leonardo rolls his eyes at his brother’s antics. “As I was saying, it’s been pretty quiet, hasn’t it? Since the incident?”

“Now that you mention it,” Raph points out, “since the whole Leatherhead fiasco, I don’t think anything’s really happened. Ya know, besides the Kraang thing.” He crosses his arms behind his head, leaning back into the couch. “It’s been getting’ kinda boring If I’m bein’ honest.”

“It’s that desire to fight that’s going to get you killed,” Donatello informs him, staring at the television screen. “Saw what happened to her, right? Weren’t you just saying how stupid she was being?”

“Yeah, but that’s different.” He smiles sharply. “She’s got exactly no training. As much as you guys seem to have a thing for humility all of a sudden,” he waves his hand contemptuously, “the only reason she got hurt is that she was being stupid, so we’re pretty much undefeated, no thanks to Leo.”

He stands up, deciding against fighting him. “If you need me,” he says curtly, “I’ll be in my lab.”

“Watch it, Raph,” the eldest brother snaps.

“Why should I?” He throws his hands up. “Am I wrong?”

Mikey quietly grabs his comic off the floor, retreating to his room, presumably.

Donatello slides the door in between him and his brothers as he sits down at his desk.

You have been stuck in the hospital for about two weeks now.

‘Technically,’ he corrects himself as he pulls his laptop open, ‘it’s been three hundred fifty-seven hours, meaning it’s closer to fifteen days than two weeks. Why do I know that?’ He pulls up an image, uncapping a permanent marker and working on one of the more mindless parts of his latest project: reviving an incredibly battered map. He already has a frame for it once he is finished, but, knowing his brothers, the fading colors would likely be a point of contention if he did not at least make an effort to make it easier to read. Fortunately for him, it is not laminated. Unfortunately—depending on how you look at it— a lot of the finer details—the integral streets names in particular—are all irreparably smudged and, therefore, will have to be all rewritten by hand, turning a once twenty-minute job into at least a two-hour investment.

He tries to tune out the incessant arguing of his two older brothers as he focuses on making his minute handwriting legible despite the infuriatingly fat marker nib.

“You should have taken her offer for a pen when you had the chance,” he mumbles to himself.

His hand stops.

‘Would it be weird to go check on her again? Just to make sure she’s still alright? I mean,’ he goes back to work, ‘even if it were, how would she know?’

He shakes his head to clear it. ‘Stop that. You’re being a creep again.’

Over those two weeks, his distractedness has become more of a problem than it has in the past in reference to his work. He is hardly a stranger to having a thousand thoughts bouncing around his head at once, but where once a rapid stream of information was there is now an aggravatingly slow sludge. The origin of said mind sludge is not at all a mystery to him, which makes the whole thing infinitely more frustrating. ‘Frustrating? Depressing? Does it even matter?’

He rubs his eye absentmindedly with the heel of his palm as he strains to see what he is doing. The smell of the marker is corrosive in his nostrils. His hand shakes. He sets it down, wringing his hands as if to force them back into submission as he stares holes into the map. ‘This is not supposed to be challenging.’ He closes his eyes, the image of you lying on the ground, a bloody, skeletal figure shaking and begging for your life carved into the backs of his eyelids, a hideous scar.

He can not stop thinking about what you said the night before the incident. Something about being able to care for yourself.

What would you say to him now? He imagines that it would be something to remind him of how the accident is your fault, how he should not beat himself up over it, but all that does is convince him that he should have been faster to act or to respond or something. There had to have been something he, in his infinite wisdom, could have done. What else can he reason? That he is powerless? That he had no say in what happened that night of nights?

‘How come I can plan and build a combat vehicle out of alien technology and an old subway car and I can’t—’

He jumps at a loud banging at the door.

“Donnie!” He can hear Raphael’s wicked grin from behind the door. “Bank robbery! Let’s go!”

He sighs, capping the marker. His breakdown will have to wait.

“Comin’!”

The ringing in your ears is already annoying.

You have been awake for about five minutes. You have elected against moving for a plethora of reasons, but the ringing is a relatively large determining factor in your decision. You are, admittedly, not sure where you are until you hear the tell-tale incessant beeping you remember from your childhood. You do not open your eyes yet. You are incredibly drowsy for some reason.

‘Hospital?’

You sit up carefully, wincing as a numb pain permeates through your arms. You run your fingers over your face curiously, feeling for any perceived disfigurement as your eyes scan your surroundings. The small room you have been placed in seems standard; there are a couple of chairs under a window that makes up half of the wall, a television screen in a corner of the room, an inoffensive painting, and a small vase filled with some sort of white flowers.

You feel a protruding scar on the right side of your face. It traces from the bridge of your nose to about halfway across your cheekbone. As you bring your hands down to pull the hospital gown away from your body, you catch sight of your hands. Long, jagged cuts run vertically along the front of your hands, and as your eyes travel up your arms, you notice fewer, shorter scars along the insides of your forearms. You swallow, pulling the cloth away from your body to see long scratches running from your thighs to under your ribcage. You pull the blanket off to find that one of your legs is encased in a white cast.

You blink. ‘What stupid thing did I do?’

You lay back down, fingers absentmindedly tracing the scars. ‘I must have been out for a bit.’ You push the hair out of your face, noting how oddly shaky your hands are as you try to focus on what had happened. ‘Why wouldn’t my folks be here? They wouldn’t ditch me in a hospital, would they?’ You hold them out in front of you, palms to the ceiling. ‘I don’t look old or anything. My nails aren’t much longer than they were before, so I can’t have been out for that long.’

Your eyebrows furrow. ‘Parents…’ You swallow. ‘Oh, right. The fire.’ Your eyes go out of focus. ‘Dead. I was, too, until recently.’ You put your arms down. ‘I’m hungry. Where am I?’ You close your eyes. ‘New York. East coast. How far is the East Coast from the West Coast? I should call her so she knows I’m—no, she’s dead.’

“All dead and gone,” you mumble the tune to yourself.

You cover your face. ‘Focus. What happened?’ You recall what you think is a church. ‘Turtles. Turtle. Oh, TMNT. Where are people? Focus.’ You yank at a piece of your hair, mumbling to yourself as you try to run through the memory again.

The image of that man’s body takes your breath away.

You shut your eyes tighter. ‘Right. Car. Glass. Glass would be a good candy. Could you make glass out of sugar? Isn’t that what a lollipop is?’ You hug yourself tightly, careful of the IV as you roll onto your side towards it. ‘I killed someone. Someones. That’s not a word. Gasoline smells bad.’ You feel tears prick at your eyes. ‘I deserve to die for that. There has to have been an easier way to do that. I deserve to burn again. That explosion was so prettily animated in that episode. I can’t breathe.’

You curl your legs up towards you, using the arm not connected to the IV to hook behind your knees. You bury your head in your shoulder as you force your breathing to slow. ‘I miss her. Where is he? They’re dead and you killed them, you heartless bitch.’

You feel a sob rise in your throat. You swallow it back. ‘Stop being a pussy.’ You hear yourself start to count softly. ‘They’re all dead and gone. You’re on your own here, so get a grip.’ You grip the blanket. ‘After all, who are you going to turn to? The guys who already risk their lives every day? Or maybe Splinter, who will probably tell you some bullshit about letting your pain go?’

‘That’s not fair,’ you argue with yourself. ‘You can turn to Murakami. Casey might be willing to help.’

‘Because Casey’s known for his reliability and Murakami would want to deal with your stupid emotional problems.’

“Twenty-three,” you whisper, keeping your voice even. “Twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six…’

You pull yourself back up, bringing your knee to your chest as you wipe any tears that may have leaked out with the back of your hand.

You do not have to wait long until someone comes in to check on you, a taller gentleman with sharp features and sunken eyes behind curly black hair. He introduces himself as Nurse McGrath, gives you a run down of the dizzying number of injuries you had suffered in the accident, what they had done to fix the problem, and starts to discuss what would become of you now.

“The doctor predicts that you’ll be able to remove your cast in approximately six weeks, and that you will regain your fine-motor skills fully in eight.” He is obviously half asleep, but you can hardly blame him; the clock on the wall reads that it is about three in the morning. “The symptoms from the whiplash should completely fade in about three months. If you would be open, there are medications we can prescribe to help with the pain.”

You smile. “Thank you, sir, but I’d rather not.” You are sincerely concerned what might happen if you start taking any sort of medication right now, considering your mental health.

“I should probably warn you in advance that the police might ask you to come in to identify the guys who kidnapped you.”

You blink, confused. “How do they know I was kidnapped?”

“Anonymous tip, according to the news.” He scratches something into some form or another. “I dunno the specifics, but nobody thinks they’re gonna charge you with anything, ‘specially since the driver was from that street gang.”

You nod. “Gotcha.” You purse your lips. “What day is it?”

“Twenty-fourth, now.”

You sigh. “Well,” you shrug, ignoring the pain it causes, “at least I’m not dead.”

“At least.” He caps his pen. “Technically, you’re free to leave, but the doc thinks it’s a good idea to stay overnight. Your insurance provider has your medical bills covered, so you’re good for it.”

“Honestly? I’m surprised I don’t feel weaker.” You smile. “I’m more than happy to head home tonight, if that makes most sense.”

“Personally, I wouldn’t stay.” He starts heading out of your room. “Your cellphone is locked up. I’m guessing you want it?”

You nod eagerly, realizing quickly that makes the ringing worse.

“I’ll bring it right back, then.”

You refrain from touching it until he leaves.

It looks as if it was put in a blender, but you find it does still turn on. A problem quickly arises: your hands cannot hold the phone. You set it down on the mattress, each movement taking a ridiculous amount of time to coordinate as you type like someone who has never used a phone before. ‘Fine motor skills. Right.’ You type out a message after approximately too long that tells Donnie that you are out of the hospital and heading home.

You check out of the hospital at approximately four-thirteen. The trip home is a straight line of a walk that takes you approximately twenty minutes. Getting in through the door with a walker is a bit of a challenge, but it works out well enough.

You lock the door and windows when you get home, shutting your phone off as you crawl into bed.

You let out a low groan as your head punishes you for your heinous crime of moving. You had realized ten minutes into your walk that you were not at all physically strong enough to walk that long, and you already hate yourself for it, among other reasons. As you crawl into bed, ignoring your body’s protest, you still stand by your decision to not take any medication, especially now.

You feel as though you are being suffocated as you cling onto your pillow, pressing your face into it as you cry silently, the ringing in your ears only getting louder in the silence of your apartment.

‘I feel sick.’

You remember your first night here. You remember the feeling it had caused you, the numb ache of loss as you submitted to the situation you had found yourself in. It feels like an eternity ago, now. You know, logically, it cannot have been more than two months since you got here.

You had decided against taking a cab back home. You had the cash, and you still do, in your bloodstained pocket. You saw many as you walked home, and you had turned a blind eye to them all.

You feel yourself trembling again. You remember the first night you had slept on your own here, the nightmares you swore were the product of a mind much more sadistic than yours ever was. You remember, too, the nightmares you had after Bradford, the way that, for the first time in your life since you were five years old you woke up drenched in sweat and crying for your mother.

What possible dream could come from this?

You reach a hand to the nightstand, hovering over your cellphone as you consider your next action.

Slowly, you retract it, letting it rest next to you. ‘It’s four. He’s not awake.’ You do not have the energy to get up to grab the bottle of sleeping pills from your bathroom.

‘I don’t want to sleep. I can’t take another nightmare.’ You rest your cheek on the pillow, forcing your eyes shut. ‘Mare. Why is it called a nightmare? Are mares truly that terrifying?’

“One,” you whisper. “Two. Three.”

Table of Contents

Chapter 8

Chapter 10

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daily-dose-of-imagines · 5 years ago

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𝙼𝚎𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝙰𝚄 𝙷𝚊𝚒𝚔𝚢𝚞𝚞 {𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝑔𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓈𝓉 𝒹𝒾𝓈𝒸𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎}

Here is the second installment of my mermaid au, but this time with nishinoya x mermaid!reader! This is going to be 1/2, so there will be a second part to this!

I hope you enjoy reading this!!

Hinata Shouyou

>Admin 𝕋

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

“Jeez, Asahi, I’m fine, man.”

“Fine!? You’re fine!? You are living on a boat, thousands of miles away and you didn’t tell anybody!” Nishinoya heard Asahi on the other line. He rolled his eyes and chuckled at how worried he was for him.

“Asahi, your dad side is showing. And I am okay, okay? I know I should’ve told you guys, that is on me, but you have to trust me that I am fine.” there was a pause on Asahi’s side of the phone call, then there was an exasperated sigh.

“Fine! Fine, whatever, as long as you are safe, you hear me! And if you don’t call me or Tanaka in the next week or so, I will come find you!” Asahi shouted loudly, making Nishinoya pull the phone away. It went on like that for several seconds until it went quiet. Curious, Nishinoya looked at the screen to see that Asahi hung up on him.

“Wow, so he calls me to see if I’m fine, then just yells at me and hangs up without even saying goodbye?” he said to himself. Shaking his head, Nishinoya put his phone back into his pocket and put his attention back to the ocean. The sea was calm and quiet, and the sky was blue, not a cloud in sight. The sea breeze was warm on his cheeks, caressing him in a loving embrace.

There was a reason for the sudden change of lifestyle.

After getting out of high school, Nishinoya started working as a salaryman for a big corporation, as one does. It was nice at first, all the money he was gaining and the friends he made along the way. But the as the months went by, Nishinoya started to realize something. He wasn’t happy, the long work nights were wearing him down, and his superiors didn’t care if he were to up and die like a fish out of water from working too much. He was disposable and easily replaceable.

Nishinoya knew that he was more valuable than that. Knew he wasn’t some corporate slave to be pushed around. So, he quit his job and used his money that he saved up to buy a boat, that also doubled as a house.

It was the best decision of his life, and he was happy he did it. Looking at the ocean every morning, and not having the to deal with a boss breathing down his neck every day or losing sleep over an unfinished project. Nishinoya loved seeing the beautiful colors the sun would make above the ocean when it was dusk or dawn.

He sat in a chair at the back of the boat, a fishing rod settled next him, the bait in the water. He was waiting for the fish to take a bit out of it, but so far none of them wanted anything to do with it. He was there for three hours, and nothing. Sighing, he got up from his seat and stretched out the achiness in his bones, hearing his back pop. The wind whipped around his face, the scent of salt overwhelming.

Thinking he should grab a drink and wait some more, he started to move to the inside of the boat, but heard splashing nearby. Stopping, he strained his ears to see if it was just his imagination, but there it was again. It sounded frantic, like someone may have been drowning. Thinking of the worst, he quickly walked the side of his boat, where he had his net, forgetting he didn’t wrap it up yesterday.

Grabbing onto the dry part, he pulled with all his might, not expecting for whatever that was caught to be so heavy. But, soon enough, he was able to get all of the netting onto his deck. Nishinoya dropped down along with the net, panting. Blinking, he crawled over to the net, noticing just how big the fish was and while he was unraveling the animal out of the netting, Nishinoya was starting to realize something.

It was an ordinary fish.

It wasn’t even a fish to begin with, it was a freaking mermaid. Mermaid. A mermaid. What? No that couldn’t be right, right? Mermaids don’t even exist, it doesn’t make sense.

But as he continued to stare, the more he knew he couldn’t lie to himself. There was a half fish, half girl right in front of him. Her tail was a shimmering red going down into a darker shed, a maroon color. Her hair was long and (h/c), covering her breasts. And her face looked like she was scared and angry at the same time.

With a shuddering breath, Nishinoya stared and watched as the mermaid pushed away the rope, frustrated that it was tangled with her tail. Nishinoya, not knowing what to really do, got closer to her to help her get untangled, but when she saw him move closer, she hissed at him, showing off sharp teeth. Nishinoya stopped his hand, but didn’t move away, showing her that the boy wasn’t going to harm her.

The mermaid stopped hissing, but continued to glare and monitor him as Nishinoya helped get her tail out. Once she was finally free, they were both still as they sized each other up. “I can’t believe this...” Nishinoya muttered to himself, finally finding his voice.

“Yeah well, as you can see, it’s real. I’m real.” the mermaid said haughtily. Nishinoya gasped and his eyes shot up to her, bewildered.

“You talk?!”

“Yes, I can freaking talk. What, do you think mermaids are uncultured or something?” she retorted, clearly annoyed. She could talk and has an attitude, Nishinoya thought to himself.

“N-no, I was just surprised--wait why am I apologizing, I didn’t even think mermaids existed until like thirty seconds ago! I’m kinda overwhelmed here!” he shouted, getting up from his sitting position. The mermaid watched with crossed arms as he paced around his boat, still trying to process what was going on.

“You seem to be taking this a lot better than most humans.” she commented, her eyes following him. Nishinoya stopped midstep, once again surprised that she could talk his language. With a slow inhale followed by a calming exhale, he sat down again, crossed legged, and faced the mermaid head on.

“How can you speak my language?” he asked, his brows furrowed, trying to not have a breakdown in front of something, no someone, so fantastical. She tilted her head in thought and then sighed.

“I guess it can’t hurt to tell you some of our secrets, seeing as you are being such a good boy,” Nishinoya bristled at that, “we mermaids gain language of various kinds by simply making mouth to mouth contact, and tasting the mouths of the person who speaks that language.” she explained. Nishinoya was a bit confused until it hit him what ‘mouth to mouth’ meant.

“Y-you kiss people? To understand their language?” he repeated in his own words, a light blush across his cheeks. The red tailed mermaid chortled lightly, it sounded something like a laugh and something a dolphin would sound like.

“Yes, you small, adorable human, we kiss them to understand them. Too bad I already know your language, I wouldn’t have minded kissing you.” she smirked at him and watched as he blushed more, unprepared for her sudden pick up line.

“I can’t believe I just got hit on by a mermaid.” he said aloud, causing the mermaid to smile.

“Well, it is one of our most basic traditions. We see a man we think is nice and handsome, then we lure them with a beautiful song and drown them to their deaths.” this caused Nishinoya to look her in the eye with fright, squeezing his hands together. The mermaid laughed fully now, throwing her head back in merth. “I’m just messing with you, we don’t do that anymore.” she watched as he sighed in relief. “Or not.”

“Would you stop doing that! I might have a heart attack here!” he yelled out, glaring, which only made the mermaid laugh more.

“Sorry, sorry, I’ll stop.” she convinced him, leaning back on her hands, flipping her caudal fin up and down, stretching it out in the beating sun.

“You seem to be a little too calm with all of this.” he muttered to her, inching a little closer without her noticing. She eyed him before closing her eyes and soaking in the sunlight.

“I am, aren’t I? I don’t know, I’ve been caught so many times and released so many times. I’m just used to it by now.”

“What do you mean caught and then released?”

“I hypnotize by captures into letting me go. Usually they’re men, so it is quite easy. Men are simple like that.” she explained, side eyeing Nishinoya, giving him a teasing smirk. He pouted.

“I’m not simple.”

“Sure you aren’t. I believe you.” she giggled, obviously teasing him still. Nishinoya huffed out a breath and glanced between the ocean and the mermaid in front of him.

There was a moment of tense silence before he asked, “Do you want to go back into the ocean. So you can maybe, I don’t know, go home? Also why were you even caught in my net? Why were you so close to the shoreline? Why--”

“Calm down, you are asking too many questions, one at at time here.” she told him, putting a webbed hand on his shoulder. He flinched by how cold her hand was, and surprised that she was even touching him to begin with. “One, I don’t have a family; been a loner since I was able to remember how to swim. Two, I don’t really have a home, I go where the waves take me. Three, I was stuck in your net because there are some very bad humans that are searching for me right now, and I thought hiding in your net would be the best pace to hide, though it was pretty stupid of me, I admit.” she explicated.

Nishinoya absorbed every word, not really knowing how to feel about all the information he was given. He raised his knees to his chest, and gazed at the mermaid’s tail again. It was amazing, so amazing. Something right out of a fairy tale. “What are you planning to do then? If you are being tracked.” he asked her.

“I don’t know, maybe I can stay with you?” she voiced halfheartedly, clearly meant to be a joke. But Nishinoya didn’t take it as a joke, not one bit. Having a mermaid on his boat; that would be ludacris, and yet so awesome. He could learn such cool stuff about mermaids. And better yet, he could help her with whatever she is going through.

He liked helping people. Well, she isn’t a person, but close enough.

“I can help you.” he declared. He wanted to laugh at how comical it was to watch her whip her head around to him, nearly falling over in shock at what he just said.

“You know I was only joking, right? We barely know each other, and if you were to help me, then you will surely be in danger too.” the mermaid pointed out.

“Let’s get to know each other then.” he proclaimed, straightening out.

“But--”

“My name is Nishinoya Yuu, what is yours?” he interrupted her, smiling expectantly and waiting for an answer. She was wide eyed and confused by how willing this boy was to help her and understand her. Most of the time, when men catch her in their nets, they wouldn’t ask her questions or ask her for even her name. No, they were more interested in that fact that she was something otherworldly, something they could potentially profit off of. So, this is different for her.

But not unpleasant.

With her chest filled with an unknown warmth and her eyes sparkling like stars in the skies, the young mermaid leaned over slowly and kissed Nishinoya on the cheek. “My human name is (y/n).” she whispered into his ear, causing his whole face to redden, all the way down to his neck.

He was silent for a moment, trying to keep his rapidly beating heart under control, then piped up and said, “Nice to meet you, (y/n).” the mermaid smiled even wider.

“I think, Nishinoya Yuu, we will get along swimmingly.”

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu!!#haikyuu imagines #haikyuu au #nishinoya yuu x reader #nishinoya yuu #yuu x reader #nishinoya x reader #mermaid au #mermaid!reader #reader insert #x reader #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu drabble

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it-lives-in-westchester · 4 years ago

Text

ILITW Fanfic

A/N: So PB crushed all of my hopes and dreams....which was also a great motivation for finishing this fanfic. This is how I personally think MC and Redfield!Noah first meeting went. It’s just filled with my own headcanons and such. Never published any fanfics here before, so please be gentle with me. Named MC Claudia because that is the name I gave her while playing.

Word count: 5272

Warnings: Some bad language and mentions of death/suicide.

The woods around the small town of Westchester, Oregon always had this eerie energy to it. Everyone knew about the wild animals that lived there, especially after the “feral animals” attacks last year. Even without the animal attacks during the homecoming dance at Westchester High, every generation could remember a tragic event that happened in those woods.

There are unmarked graves of people who were sacrificed in witch rituals. A sass suicide that happened in the 70s seemingly done by a creepy cult. Countless mysterious deaths that might have just been accidents or gruesome murders. More people one can count who walked into the woods and never came out again.

Claudia Harrington was well aware of the tragedies that have happened in the woods, after all, she had lived through two of them up close. Still kinda a miracle she survived both of those events, she was not sure if that was a blessing or not. Feeling more numb than ever and her insomnia getting worse than ever.

This was the 3. time this month she had tried to make a new system with the stuff in her room. Maybe she should listen to her mom more often with her having too much stuff in there. Opening one of her drawers, it was a pile of papers, that could have been from anywhere from a week ago or 5 years ago. She sighed deeply and started to make three different piles, one to keep, one that was just blank paper she could reuse and one to throw away. God, there was a lot of crap in there she noted.

Essays from High school, Reports of stuff, notes from Ava, drafts of short stories she had written, essays from her first year at college, checklists. Then something caught her attention. A handwritten letter, it was her handwriting she was sure of it.

"Happy Birthday!" was the first thing written on it. There were no memories she had written this. She continued reading it a bit curious.

"I can't believe you and Jane wou…." Claudia crumbled the piece of paper and threw it in the trash.

Now she remembered it was a stupid thing her consular said she should try. Writing letters to people that they would never read just say everything you wanted to tell them. Claudia did not feel like it helped a whole lot. She thought she had thrown them all away, guess she had not done that.

Continued to look through the paper pile. However, the “letter” she found earlier was the only thing that was on her mind. After a few minutes, she picked up the crumpled piece of paper from the trash and started to read for herself.

Happy Birthday!

I can’t believe you and Jane would have turn 18 today, I know kind of unbelievable, it seemed like it was just yesterday we believe turning 18 meant we were finally adults, oh how wrong we were right?

For being honest with you Noah I have no idea what to write here. This whole thing just feels wrong knowing you are not really gone. I just hope you are doing well, wherever you are.

You’re probably not, but hey I can pretend right?

Good wishes, Claudia.

After reading the whole thing Claudia swallowed a bit. She could not believe she had written this crap almost 2 years ago. Damn, it already been two years since it all happened? It still felt so fresh in her mind. It still stung, after finally reconnecting with Noah after years of not talking to each other. Feeling like things would be okay between them for the first time in a long while.

But then he had to throw all of that away, lying to her face about everything. Luring her and all of her friends to a messed up game of “Are you scared?”. Knowing full well it could end with death.

Oh, how she wished she could hate him for it, after all, he had threatened her with a knife and almost killed everyone because of sheer stupidity, but she could not do it. Still feeling terrible about the fate that Noah Marshall had met all those years ago in the ruins in the woods.

The "official" story about what happened to him, was that he had a mental breakdown because of unchecked mental illnesses and trauma with losing his sister at such a young age. Delusional and hurt going back to the unsafe caves where his sister died in a hope that it could bring her back. The cave collapsed with him inside and killed him.

It was dumb, but what else were the townsfolks of Westchester gonna believe. That the corrupt spirit of his sister manipulated him and then convinced it might be a good idea to sacrifice all of their friends in a hope to free her. Then sacrificing himself in the end so he could free her from that awful half-life she had been living for 10 years. Of course not. Sometimes Claudia even had a hard time believing it as the truth. Even though she witnessed it from start to finish. Still hoping she would see him again in the hallways at school during her senior year of high school.

It was still bothering her on some level that everyone, including her, was just to ignore it. Like everyone did last time after what happened to Jane. This time around they had decided to keep contact, but still.

It could all happen again, right? Some other stupid kids finding the ruins and getting the same life as Claudia and her friends had been living. No that could not happen. They had not fixed anything, it would come back. Maybe when they are 30 or something and has to deal with the consequences then.

Looking at the clock, it was around 04:45 am. Looking out of the window it was dark the only thing she could see was the snow on the ground that reflected the moon lightning. Maybe she should..no was she crazy?

Going back was the whole reason this all started again but at the same time. If she knew earlier that Redfield was gone and it was Jane, could she have prevented it? All that damage? All those deaths? Besides she was not tired so better do something that might be effective and not just scroll through social media till the sun came up, that had seemed to become a habit of lately.

Thank god her parents were gone for the weekend, so they did not have to question her on what she was doing at 05:00 am. Putting on her winter coat and boots while going outside to her backyard. Going past the tree Cody died in and then entering her shed.

It had been a while she had been inside the shed behind her house. An old flashlight that was her fathers was on a shelf, that could be useful. After picking up the that she noticed her bat, Barb lying against the wall. That might come in handy in case things went south like last time she thought, then she grabbed it before going out in the woods.

The woods had not changed over these past 2 years. Tall trees that made it impossible to see the night sky. Weird noises in a lot of places but certain areas where there was not a single sound you could hear. Having a weird feeling that someone or something was always watching you. It almost felt like for each step she took into the woods the heavy feeling in her chest became bigger. At least the snow on the ground made it easier to see where she was going, maybe the flashlight was not necessary.

Finally, she arrived at the clearing, this was here her, Ava, Andy, and Noah had found Dan in the woods, that seemed like it was forever ago.

Halfway to the ruins now, you can do it.

However when she was halfway through the clearing suddenly she heard a tree branch snap.

Almost just by instinct, Claudia turned around. What the hell was that noise? Behind her was nothing, maybe it was a bird or another small animal… c’mon Claudia that can’t be it. She took a better grip on her bat.

“Hello?” She said with a bit of uncertainty in her voice. Looking around between the trees, for something, anything. Nothing, just darkness looking back at her. Turning on her flashlight and she started to flash it between the trees like it would comfort her a lot more if she saw something like a deer. Even then the flashlight was old, maybe older than her, so it was not like it did help to see what was between the trees. She tried to listen if any more noises came, but nothing more happened. Nothing felt too of either. She dropped her shoulders a bit, hadn't even noticed how much tension she had put on them.

C'mon, I am not even there at the ruins yet, it just my mind playing tricks on me.

However, when she turned around to walk deeper in the woods she stopped. Two bright lights were staring right at her, with a dark shadow surrounding it, like ink spilling over. Her first reaction was to get away, far away. It was kinda a blur what happened next, it was just her acting on fear and panic at the moment. She was not even sure if she had screamed or not.

The next thing she could see was the stars filling the night sky with no clouds in sight. Claudia looked up trying to catch her breath. Had she fallen over? She tried to collect all of her thoughts in her head.

What the hell, what the hell, what the hell!? Okay just think.

What she had seen was what she thought, right? Wait that would mean…..

She bolted up, nothing was in front of her. No no-no-no. She frantically started to look around the place. It was real right? No hallucination or her lack of sleep made this up. She had seen it, what she had been looking for the reason she was even here in the first place.

Then she stopped looking around when she noticed the glowing eyes staring at her from behind a tree. When it saw that Claudia was looking at it, it came out of hiding. The glowing eyes belonged to a tall thin shadow creature. She noticed that it seemed to be floating a bit of the ground. The shape was like a man, with a head and arms. So from a distance, it would just look like that, a silhouette of a person. However, if you looked closer you could see that the arms were freakishly long with long sharp fingers at the end of them, and it was a lot taller than an average man.

"Hey" Rising from the ground and started to walk towards the shadow creature. "Didn't mean to do that, you just surprised me"

She noticed for each step she took the distance between them did not change. It took around five steps before she realized what was happening

For each step, she took forward the shadow took a step backward.

When she stopped walking so did the shadow creature.

"Okay then….I'll just stand here then, good for you?"

Planting her feet on the ground. Redfi...Noah was also standing still now. On the other side of the clearing. Just looking at her while holding a hand towards his "jaw". Not much of a conversation.

Guess I have to be the one to break the ice.

"Hello….how are you doing?" That made her cringe in an instance, oh Jesus Christ what kinda question was that. This was also the first time it dawned on her that she had no plans on what to do next. Damn those impulsive thoughts in her head. Well, now it was too late to go back with this.

There was no response to her question. Just the natural sounds from the woods like birds and other small creatures coming back to her.

Well, what kind of response was she expecting?

Oh, I have been doing well Claudia, you know expect for this whole being dead thing. Besides that great.

"That was a stupid question, I just realized that" She awkwardly continued. "Maybe you should say something instead because I suck at this as you can see" Could not help herself to laugh nervously after that. Like this was an awkward family reunion with an uncle asking what’s your plan after college and not her talking to an all-powerful forest spirit who could destroy the whole town if it felt like it. It did not seem like Noah even heard her saying anything or he had the most minimalistic reactions to things, she was about to continue talking.

Then she noticed that his eyes were not staring at her directly, but rather her hand. Was still holding a strong grip on Barb, wasn't she?

Oh shit, did I hit him? shit shit shit shIT! No, relax just….

Taking a few seconds of considerations before she dropped the bat on the ground, and then kicked it far enough away she could not reach for it. Noah’s glance followed the bat and then went back into staring right into her eyes when it was out of reach.

“See… Don’t want to hurt you” she tried to give a small smile to show that she was genuine. In hindsight, that statement was almost ridiculous. What would a bat with barbed wire do against an undead forest spirit? Like if he wanted he could have probably just thrown her against a rock breaking her back in an instant. Maybe he could just drop her onto a tree, as Jane did with Cody, better just break Claudia's neck in on swift motion or maybe I should stop thinking about all the ways I could die, sounds like a plan.

No big reactions from Noah unfortunately, the only thing he did was staring at her again, like he was studying her.

Why isn’t he saying anything?

Claudia almost felt like that made it worse than it was. It was not like Redfield or Jane was that talkative in this type of state either, but they were talking, be it pretty simple.

She did not know what would have felt worse between him saying nothing or him taunting her for letting him die because she was a coward like the others would have done. At this point, she was not even sure if coming back was a good idea at all.

C’mon, I can’t give up this easily. I have to try to say something different.

“Can you talk?” that came out a lot more annoyed than Claudia intended to sound like, now it almost felt dumb asking. At least it got a reaction out of Noah, he was now tilting his head and his eyes widened she could see that the colors in them turned neon blue. Almost like he was taken back by the question.

“.....yesssssss...?”

Claudia felt every hair on her body rise. Even felt like the temperature had gone more down. That voice was the same voice that had been haunting her nightmares for years. The whispering voice that seemed to break through the silence like nails against a chalkboard. Still, even if it sounded nothing like Noah, it had to be him, right? It could not be anyone else? Maybe he remembered nothing so she could not even say it was him, because nothing that made him Noah Marshall was even left.

Jane had remembered, right? Even after 10 years and without the advantage of any of her friends knowing it was her. So he had to remember something, he had to remember Claudia, right?

“Do you remember me?” There was no point dodging the question, Claudia just had to know if he did remember. Hoping there was still something of her old friend in there.

This was the first in a long time he broke eye contact and was looking at the ground instead. Claudia tried to take one step forward, this time he did not seem to mind. It almost looked like he was too deep in his thoughts to even notice.

“My name is Claudia, Claudia Harrington, I am… your friend?” She said that last part almost in a whisper, like who knows what to even call their relationship at this point. They have not seen or talked to each other for almost two years. Last time they talked he had held a knife against her throat and then she let him kill himself. What do you even call that? Besides all types of messed up.

"Claudia..mm?" He said most likely to himself. She tried to walk a few more steps. Without a warning, he turned his gaze back to her and Claudia stopped right in her track holding her breath. Feeling like it got stuck in her throat.

He was not moving, she was not sure if it was her imagination or not, but it felt like everything had turned eerily quiet even more than before. Nothing that was living in the woods was making any noises now or knew to stay far away from where they were standing.

She could hear her heart hammering in her chest and she was wondering if Noah could hear it too.

Why did I not tell anyone what I was planing before going out here? Well, they would have probably tried to stop me. Oh, fucking christ I'm gonna die here. Aren't I?

To Claudia, it almost looked like his eyes was flickering a bit. Then he started to float a bit closer to her, but when he was just about 6 feet away he stopped. He promptly straightens up all of a sudden, It almost looked like he remembered something else.

".....leave.."

"What!? Wait What?"

Claudia had no idea how to respond or what to do with this. Was she supposed to just leave? Stay? Ask what he meant by "leave"? Had she said something wrong? Was he mad at her for everything that happened? Was there just something else unrelated? What had she done wrong? Her thoughts ran rampant. This was not making any sense to her.

Claudia looked up from the ground and Noah had not done anything. None of them had done anything. She noticed that his eyes seem to flicker a bit between the usual white, neon blue, and orange flames.

"No, I am not leaving until you answer my question," She said trying to sound as brave as possible.

"Do you remember me? Yes, or No" Trying to sound tough as hard when every instinct in her screamed she should run away and never look back.

Noah backed away and looked a bit to the left. Seemingly trying to avoid all eye contact with her.

"......Leave.." he said again, lower this time.

"No, answer my question!" Yelling back at him.

It seemed to get a reaction out of him. Turning his head and looking directly at her, she felt like his eyes were piercing through her soul.

Noah started to float a bit closer to Claudia, without breaking eye contact. He bends down so he was just a few inches away from her face. If he had been human Claudia would probably felt him breathing right up in her face and smelt his breath. Had she finally got him to remember something?

"LEEEEAVE!"

Claudia felt ringing in her ears that made her put her hands against her ears by reflex. She also closed her eyes shut to respond to the pain.

Nope, did not make him remember anything, just made it worse. Of course, I made it worse.

Slowly she opened her eyes. A face of nightmares was looking straight at her. The familiar skeletal face and bright orange eyes of flames. Which made her close her eyes immediately back again.

This situation is probably one where most would have run away screaming and never look back. Claudia was considering it. A part of her did not want to go until she got answers and a part of her felt frozen.

She was still holding her eyes shut. Nothing was happening, was he just standing in front of her? She knew something was in front of her and it was not moving. He had not hurt or touched her and the only thing he wanted was her leaving right?

She started to chant under breath

"I am not scared, I am not scared, I am not scared, I am not scared, I am not sc…"

"Huh….?" The whispering voice responded

Taking a deep breath, before opening her eyes again facing him.

"I am not scared of you" His eyes widened a bit like he was not expecting her to say that. "And I am not leaving you either," She said with the best poker face she was able to do while her heart felt like it would burst out of her ribcage at any moment.

The skeletal face with flame eyes was gone and the shadowy face with big neon blue eyes was back again. He backed away as well so he was not right up in her face and was standing a few feet away again.

"I am not leaving you okay, not again, I promise" Claudia took a hand towards him. He looked at it, almost unsure what she meant by it, Claudia continued talking:

"You don't deserve this, and I should have come back sooner, but I am here now, right?"

Trying to give a small smile. Noah glanced between her face and her hand. She stretched out her arm a bit closer to him. Maybe so he could take the hint.

"So maybe, we can be friends again?"

Suddenly Claudia saw that he tried to reach for her hand, but then he suddenly stopped. Almost frozen at the moment. He stood there for about half a minute.

"no" he started to say. He took back his hand. "no no no"

Claudia wanted to say something but Noah continued talking to himself seemingly forgetting that Claudia was even standing in front of him.

"Why back?.....worst...no no-no" He was hiding his face in his hands. Shaking his head back and forth. He continued rambling to himself for a while most of the words Claudia was catching was: "bad" "why" and "no".

"Noah? It's okay just…."

“DON’T!”

It seemed like the orange flames’ eyes were back again for a solid second. They disappeared just as quickly and he looked down at his own two hands and then at Claudia again.

".....Bye," he whispered and then turned around to leave her.

"Wait you can't just go!?" Claudia Yelled at him. He did not seem to care and continued floating away from her.

"After everything you did you can't just leave, you owe me something," she said in frustration. “bye” he replied with again. She ran so she was standing in front of him now and he stopped right in his track.

"What do you even want me to say or do?"

"...leave..." He said while walking straight through her. It did not feel much kinda like a cold breeze that went past her. Still made her shudder an insane amount.

“Hey!” She yelped and turned around to see him, still did not stop.

"...bye….leave..." he said again, waving a hand at her.

“I just want to talk! Come back! Please” It seemed like nothing she said was changing his mind, he was on the other side of clearing now. There was so much she wanted to say and in the end, she finally shouted at him:

“I’m sorry, OKAY!” she noticed Noah stopped walking away.

“.....what?” He turned around with wide eyes. Well no point holding back now, if she was never gonna see him again at least she can say everything she wanted to tell him before being gone forever. Taking a deep breath before continuing.

“I am sorry for everything that happened between us two.

I am sorry I trusted Redfield even though you were right about him.

I am sorry that I couldn’t save Jane from him as well.

I am sorry I left you after what happened to her.

I am sorry that you are…you’re..that you...” That was it, she broke, started to choke on a sob. Tears were starting to block her vision. She hid her face in her hands and continued to sob loudly to herself. When her knees started to feel weak she fell on the forest floor.

Maybe it was naive thinking that just spilling everything out was gonna make her feel or even make the situation at hand better.

It felt like an aching pain in her chest like her heart was being crushed by a pressure she could not see.

It was almost painful to breathe in. God if she started to throw up she would just die on the spot she felt like.

Guilt

That one terrible feeling she had felt constantly since the homecoming night. Been eating at her soul ever since everything happened. Thinking about all the things she could have done differently.

What if she was not an idiot as a child and backed away when a real-life ghost story wanted to be her friend.

What if she tried to talk to Noah after what happened to Jane, instead of a mutual avoidance of each other.

What if she had taken Jane’s place instead of being coward.

What if she had just tried harder to convince Noah it was another way to end Jane's messed up game.

None of her friends seemed to understand that. It did not matter how many times they told her "It's not your fault, you couldn't have stopped this" It still felt like it was her fault. Their choice that night was between life or death. They did not have to choose between killing another person or themself.

For Claudia, it felt like two people she cared about died because of her. Maybe she shouldn't feel bad after all those two tried to kill her and all of her friends. Still, she knew all the suffering they had gone through how much could have been prevented was the question if she had done different choices. Now she had the possibility to make amends with one of them and she messed up that too.

God, why can't I do anything right anymore? C'mon when was I doing anything right ever.

“...Stop crying..”

“What?” She looked up, her vision was a bit blurry because of the tears, but she did notice Noah was standing in front of her now, instead of the other side of the clearing. Then he lowered himself so they were more eye to eye.

“...Don’t cry….” He hesitantly reached out a hand and slowly patted her head for a while. She barely felt it, but that was definitely what he was doing.

"..Is..okay.." he continued talking with a bit of uncertainty, "… don't say sorry….is okay..." was he?

“....Are you comforting me?” Claudia did not know what to think, what was happening? Her worst childhood trauma, the monster who has been haunting her half her life, seemingly trying to cheer her up after upsetting her. When just moments earlier it seemed like he wanted nothing to do with her.

He froze immediately after she asked that. Almost like this was the first time he realized what he was actually doing.

“....working..?” He stopped doing, whatever he was doing. Holding his hands together, waiting for her response. It was hard reading his expression, it was after all just two bright lights that looked at her. It did not look like he had any anger behind his eyes like before as far as Claudia could tell.

“Yeah, we can say that” Claudia responded while wiping her tears away.

At least he did not leave like she feared he was going to do. It was kinda sweet, in a weird way. Maybe it was more of her old friend in there, someone who did care about her.

“....sorry too...” He quietly said. it was almost so low Claudia almost did not catch it at all.

“....hurt you...didn’t I?". He was fiddling with his fingers now and looking lower than before.

"you could say it like that" Claudia responded, a bit unsure what he was talking about this time.

"Sorry," he said again to her. "Sorry… messed up….sorry"

He could be talking about what had just happened, but Claudia's gut feeling was saying he was talking about something else. The whole reason why both of them were even here, to begin with.

"So, you do remember me?"

It was a few seconds of silence, Claudia feared a moment she had messed up again. Nevertheless, Noah started to nod a bit. Even looked like he was rolling with his eyes a bit.

"yes..of course…" she noticed that his eyes seemed to be smiling after he said that, if that even any made sense.

That made Claudia smile as well, she could feel her cheeks hurting.

"I knew you would" She finally said and she felt the tears were coming back again.

"wait… don't cry"

She started to laugh at that comment.

"No no, don't worry, I am crying now because I am so happy" She started to explain. It seemed like he tensed down a bit after she explained herself.

Then they were both sitting in silence for a while, what now? She had to admit it was kinda nice just sitting there with Noah. It was still something left of him inside this shadowy figure, now the question was how to save it. She had no ideas at the moment. Also what was she even gonna tell her friends, they were not so forgiving on what Noah had done. Also with the way he first responded to seeing her again, not the best reaction she could have hoped for. Guess she could tell them later when the time was right.

What snapped her out of her thoughts was a low hissing sound that seemed to get louder. Suddenly Noah went away and hid behind the treelines. Before Claudia could ask what was wrong she felt sunlight hitting her face that made her squint.

She had not noticed how bright it had gotten these past few hours. Guess fearing the ghost of a childhood friend might not even remember you were a bigger issue.

"Yeah….not a fan of sunlight I guess" Remembering how Redfield and Jane had reacted to it as well. She turned around where Noah was hiding between the trees.

"no...hurts a lot" Noah hissed while looking down where the sun was shining.

"I can come to visit again…. Next week? sounds good?" She gave him a thumbs up. He looked at her gesture for a while, before he copied it back. Then he was gone.

Claudia walked to were Barb was and picked the bat up.

"Well looks like I didn't need you," she said to it. She also realized that she never really apologized for potentially hitting Noah in the face, well could do that another time.

The woods were not as creepy with the morning lights shining through the tree. After around 15 minutes, she finally arrived back at her house. Going straight to her bedroom and crashed on her bed until the late afternoon.

#it lives in the woods #it lives beneath #ilitw #ilb #noah marshall #ilitw mc #fanfic #my writing #wellll this probarbly sucks #but I liked it enough to post it #sorry if the english is kinda crap because it's not my first language #claudia harrington

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neighbourskid · 5 years ago

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What’s Your Story?

(original date: 30 July 2016)

At ComicCon, two weeks ago, I got this free shirt that says "What's your story?". And now that I've been wearing it, every time I've looked in a mirror or just seen a reflection of myself, I have been wondering, what exactly is my story? Why am I the way I am? What made me like this? Where do I come from, and where do I go to? And I have thought a lot about this, to be honest. But I guess, I just gotta start at the beginning, right?

I am pretty bad with childhood memories. I barely know anything. Everything that I do know, I feel like only knowing because people told me or because I've seen pictures of it. Which honestly bums me out. I am also constantly not sure if things I feel like I actually do remember, aren't just things that I made up at some point. But anyways.

I grew up in a small-ish town in Switzerland. We've lived in other small-ish towns and villages before, but I was definitely too young to remember any of that. There are memories of me feeding my older half-brother, but I am quite sure that I only know this because there's a picture of it. Right now, I'd say my earliest memory is my half-brother (who's autistic by the way) helping my brother and me out of beds we couldn't get out on our own. I know that I know this. I was probably around three or four at the time. Anyways.

My parents got divorced when I was four. Although I have lived with my mom until I moved out this July, I never really connected with her as much as other girls do. Those good mother-daughter relationships you see in movies sometimes? We didn't have that. I was always very focused on the men in my family. My dad was my hero, even though I only saw him every second weekend and on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. But he was my hero. Still is.

My brother was my role model from early childhood on. My mom always says, that I was always okay with everything that he chose to do or have. My brother wanted these pants? Me too. My brother wanted chocolate milk? Me too. Those were my most said words. "Me too."

My mom feared that I would be too dependent on his decisions and never be truly me, because I was okay with doing whatever he did. But I don't think that this is what happened. I just loved my brother. My dad wasn't always there because of the divorce, so my next go-to person was my brother, because I didn't see my mom as a role model or go-to person. We didn't connect like that.

My brother and me, we're 18 months apart. That's a wonderful age gap. It's not too close, but it's also not too far away to get along splendidly.

Of course, one of the reasons why I was always okay with doing/having what my brother did, was because I thought we were the same. As a child, I didn't really get the concept of gender or that there is a real difference between boys and girls. I just knew that some people had other parts than others, but I was like, yeah and? What does it matter?

I just knew that I always liked hanging out with boys more than I did with girls. I had this friend in kindergarten who I always stole Legos with. Then in first grade, I was seated next to a girl with the same last name as me, and we got along and I got to play at her house a lot, but in second grade I was back to being with boys. And I was friends with the same boy until probably fourth grade, then expanded my friend group - to even more boys. And they accepted me. I got to hang out with them, got to play video games with them, played with pokemon cards, played football. It wasn't until probably sixth grade that I actually got girl friends. And even then, my main friend group were still the boys. And I was kinda the "cool girl" because I got to hang out with them.

It was nothing I was striving for, but it happened nonetheless.

I remember that one of my best friends had a crush on me, and I didn't get it. I was oblivious to that. Until I cut my hair in sixth grade, and thus looked more boyish than ever before, and he lost his interest. In retrospect, I should've seen it. But it doesn't really matter anyway.

Then seventh grade came around - new teachers, new class - and I only had four of my old classmates left: two girls who I didn't spend that much time with, the guy who had had a crush on me and another guy who I had often played video games with, but more due to other people than actually him. So in short, four people I wasn't really that good friends with. So I had to find new ones.

As many of you might now, I am an insanely introverted person. Well, at least to new people. People who have known me for a long time often can't believe that I am actually very shy and introverted. But that is that.

I made friends rather quickly, though. Well, at least I think so. I got along well with pretty much everyone, but I mostly spent my time with one or two of the girls. But in the end, I didn't really bond with them that much, because I haven't talked to anyone of them in years. It didn't matter anyway, because I had to repeat 8th grade, and had new classmates anyway. And that is where I made friends, who I still see to this day and am still friends with. I'm even living with one of them! Which is great to be honest.

In the two years I was with those people, I changed a lot. I was always the tomboy, the girl dude. The bro that just so happened to be a girl, but nobody cared. But with those people, I think I finally wasn't the bro friend anymore. I was still the stereotype "cool girl" especially because I wasn't girly (I'm still not) and I didn't give two shits what people thought (still don't). But I got more girlier than before. I dressed less manly, could finally get to like tank tops, skinny jeans, and shorts that didn't cover my knees. Even jewelry! Well rings, mostly.

But I was still me; boyish, reckless, climbing-on-trees-and-falling-down self-destroy-ish.

My dad always wanted a son and a daughter. And that is what he got. I am not the typical daughter, the typical girl. But I have a lot in common with my dad, so I think he got the daughter he wanted, or he came around to accept that I would never be the girly girl. He loves me and I know that.

I know my mom loves me. And that she accepts me for who I am. But I think she always had more issues with me being the way I am, than my dad had. With me being so very boyish. We always fought when buying clothes. Oh, the memories. It was a war.

After ninth grade I went to grammar school. I only knew my friend Angie, but soon enough I got along with pretty much everyone in that class. I think I was still the "cool girl" which got me friends easily. I got along with the girls, I got along with the boys. I think I was good friends with everyone, with some exceptions obviously. I had friends in other classes as well. I wasn't typically popular, mind you, but I am friendly. People get along with me. People tell me I'm funny, trustworthy, loyal, a good friend.

I made a habit of getting along with teachers, too. Mostly teachers I didn't have class with, but still. The class teacher of the one's we had PE with, was one of those teachers. After the first half year, I decided that he was going to be my victim, and so after the skiing camp he became exactly that. I mocked him constantly. After a fantastic incident - I shouted across the school yard that I thought his pink shirt was extremely manly - he asked one of his students who was my friend, if I meant harm or if I was always like that. She told him that this was just who I was, and from that moment on he returned my "bullying". We had a great time. I tried to sell him shoes, he was my go-to person for pain killers, he mocked my headaches, he told me with the biggest smile to "shut the fuck up". We had a great time. I always have one or two teachers like that at every school I go to. My English and German teacher was the other victim. He was a great teacher, and I think he appreciated me as a student. I met him yesterday and he was very pleased to hear that I was going to study English. We had bitch fights in the middle of class. While everyone looked at me like I had death wishes, we had the greatest fun mocking each other. It was great.

I am no teachers pet. I just feel like you need at least one teacher you actually like and have a good relationship with, or else you won't make it through school without constant mental breakdowns.

Anyways. I am rabbit trailing (I would like to personally thank Zachary Levi for adding this word to my vocabulary).

As some of you might know, I am a Christian. Not the "it says on my papers that I am a Christian, so I am one" but actually an active Christian. I go to church. I pray. I believe. I wouldn't call myself religious. I am a person of faith. There's a difference.

Anyways. When I was in second grade, my mom got a job where she had to work shifts. So we got someone where we could go eat, and spend our free afternoons at. They are great people and I'm still friends with them. Their two children are basically my little siblings and I consider their daughter one of my best friends.

These people, this couple, were Christians, and they went to church in our town. I don't know exactly when my mom converted, but I know that we started going to that church, and I made friends for life. When I was twelve or thirteen, there was a baptism service coming up and I told my mom that I wanted that, too.

Usually, it is waaaaay to early to get baptised at twelve or thirteen. Mostly, teens are "allowed" to do so when they're sixteen or eighteen or whatever. But I felt like this was the right thing to do, so I did. And they let me.

Over the course of my life as a person of faith, I have always searched for role models. Someone I could look up to in that aspect of my life. I found a few. The dad of the two girls I live with at the moment was one of them. He was the pastor of our church, is a missionary in Central Africa now. Then there were various people from our church who I looked up to because they just have so much faith and trust. And in 2012 someone new made his way into my line of sight and is now not only a role model as a person of faith, but for life in general. In 2012, through the movie Avengers and through Tom Hiddleston, I discovered Zachary Levi. Who is not only a brother in Christ, but an all around good person in general and just the sweetest guy I have ever had the good fortune of meeting.

Through various interviews and NerdHQ panels, Zac has over and over again inspired me in so many ways. He inspires me to be more kind, to be more gentle, to be more passionate. He inspires me to trust God, to bring important decisions before God. He inspires me so much. Every time NerdHQ comes around again, or every time I just watch panels throughout the year, I get giddy and I'm full of energy to live my dreams, go out and change the world, be the best version of myself.

This year I have had the wonderful opportunity to finally attend NerdHQ and meet Zac for the first time. And he did not disappoint. He was everything I wished him to be. Even better. He gave me something so precious that I feel like this will fuel me for a very long time. With a simple sentence he changed my life more than he already has before. And I am eternally grateful for that.

"What's your story?" Well, my story is still in the first chapters. There's a lot more to come. I've been through things that I wish I hadn't. I lost people very dear to me. I'm still trying to find out some things about me. But there's one thing I know. God will help me write my story. He will be there every step of the way. God will put people in my life that help me figure out who I am, what to do, and where to go. He put Zac and NerdHQ in my life for a reason. And there's no way I am letting that go. Ever.

I told my mom yesterday that I plan to never miss NerdHQ ever again, if I can anyhow avoid it. She said, "that's big talk." But I'm not kidding. I will do everything in my power to never miss the awesomeness that is NerdHQ ever again. Those are four days of granted happiness. Why should I ever wanna miss that again? There are likeminded, amazing people who I wouldn't be able to see anywhere else. They don't live in Switzerland. They live all over America.

My story is about a girl who loves stories. And storytellers. I would love to be one, too. I get inspired every other day by stories I read or hear or see, and I would like to give back. Tell stories to inspire future generations, the way people like Zac have inspired me.

My story is about finding purpose in inspiring others. My story is about being passionate, "loving too much", knowing a shit ton of "fun facts" about movies and books and people I've never met in my life. My story is about me. Your average neighbourhood nerd. The kid next door. The introverted kid who doesn't seem introverted at all, once you get to know them.

So, that is me. What's your story?

#blog post #import from old blog #personal #comic con #sdcc #story time

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linhkcao · 6 years ago

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The moment I realize I can move on

As someone who is not naturally articulate and thus take the comfort (sometimes misery) of holding back thoughts and emotions, I’ve forced myself to record this time, no matter how broken it may end up sounding. What a transitive moment I’m in now, a mental milestone. A deep, great sadness of realization as it may be, I know it’ll help me reach the next level of freedom and self-acceptance. After a chain of exhausting days, I’ve allowed myself to be “officially sick” today. I’m gonna slow down. Thinking about what I’m thinking. Before throwing myself back into the madness of life.

I’m a wallflower to the core. The one that always watch, but never get involved, they say. Or am I? There are many moments where I was absolutely expressive and cheerful, like I’m living the time of my life. And I share that positive vibe to everyone I interact with. But there is no expected pattern of how and when that more attractive version of me show up. Recent recall was a couple weeks ago when “she” came to the rescue at an interview and secured me a job offer, I walked out of the building with an impression of “what the heck just happened? Was that me?!”. The thrilled joy, though, is short-lived. As I quickly realize that the worse-in-nearly-all-aspects version now will have to figure out how to meet high expectations from both myself and other people, built by “her”. It’s like “BOOM!!! Surprise biatch~ just saved you clumsy nerd from an awkward situation, congratulations we made it and now YOU take care of the rest! buh byeee~” every time.

Among expectations built, many I’m still fighting for, and for some I realized it’s time to give up for good. And you guess right, the tone is set up for the latter. The record of yesterday events in sequence, though not and end-to-end story, is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Here it goes...

I woke up with an annoying headache from a shortage of sleep as usual, rushed to the Turtle lake and took the school bus to Binh Duong, the place I would only travel to when I have to. It was kinda my favorite moment of a day though. I would always end up at the most front seat on the the right. Settled down. Eyes half-closed. The squeezing feeling all over my head and in the back of my eyes starts to soften thanks to the blend of gentle air-con wind and early morning sunlight, a cleanliness of smell, and my chill love song playlist aka the sleeping therapy. It is opposed to travelling by bike or taxi, now I actually hope the distance was longer! Normally that could be enough extra energy charged for me to survive a normal day at school. But yesterday was no ordinary day. I had no lectures but instead a group project in which we were struggling with an unfamiliar software. I was in charge of running the software while the other two did the writings. Just the night before I felt like a loser and almost gave up, but as the next morning, sitting down with the team, we gradually figured out everything. I felt so relieved. Perhaps it was not difficult after all. Maybe I was just freaked out with something I’m not used to and assume it's unsolvable.

Midday time, accompanied by the brutal sun, is when my tension headache gets at its worse. I skipped lunch and walked some heavy steps to the first-aid office, only to find it was being locked. Right, the lady must've been having lunch. Lying down at the feather chair in front, I pretended to get absorbed into my Iphone like a normal youngster nowadays instead of staring into nowhere and letting out my fatigue like a depressed person. Crazy how I still cared about what other people think even when it felt like my body was about to give out! And there she came from afar, the first aid staff lady; I turned my head and gave her the “I was waiting for you” smile (most honest smile ever), and she returned the “You’ll be okay now kiddo” smile. The first aid office is where I often come to take a nap after a test, or anytime I’m about the “shut down”. I call it VGU 5 star hotel.

The nap didn’t go well as I hoped, still I had to get up for the mini concert rehearsal, and apparently there are other people like me who are waiting to get their battery charged too (there are only 2 beds). The rehearsal was smooth, was no stress, and eventually better than the actual performance (what a shock). But then came the freaking rain. I blamed it for my bad mood, for my guitarist’s bike’s breakdown. And as we was just starting to come back to Saigon, his bike even had a flat tire. This is it, I thought, can’t get any worse!

I appreciate that my friend was very patient handling the situation, he was searching for mobile repairers and called each one of them. So I was resolved not to show any impatience although I was burning inside, the unfinished project still awaits me at home and seriously I was so desperate for some real sleep so I could make it to class for the presentation. I told him that I’d wait on the pavement to relieve the weight so he could go fixe his bike then come back afterwards. 30 minutes passed by... It was dark and remote as hell, and the last open restaurant which I sat nearby may close very soon. I made up my mind that I couldn't take a taxi or grab bike alone with such a far distance at this time of the day, so my only hope was that the guitarist friend woud have no further trouble and come back pick me up soon. My bestie even asked for the location details, in case I get kidnapped she could know how to report to the police lmao. And my professor was very worrying; she asked why I didn’t just simply stay in the dorm overnight...

Then it strike me how much I wanted to go back to Saigon, nearly at all costs. Even just for another 4-hour sleep then going to Binh Duong again, even when it’s super late and rainy. Am I crazy? I didn't care about rationality. I just wanted to go back.

But the actual turning point goes back to the concert, held at BD Conference & Exhibition center. It was prepared with dedication, passion, hard work, and joy, by tons of members from 2 biggest clubs in VGU. I’m thankful to be a small link in the whole chain.

The vocal quality as well as songs selection this year was really amazing. I sang “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran with anh Nguyen, the guitarist mentioned above. And although the performance was far from being perfect, I heard from several friends that they enjoyed it “beautiful singing”, “u still lit”, “it made me happy”, they even recorded and sent me... And trust me, I’m only glad because I could make some of the audiences happy, it was the only consolation at the end of the day. I personally and honestly didn’t understand those compliments, nor did I feel anything about the song, about the fact that I was a part of this concert. I came onto the stage, the extreme light beamed at us and all I could see are black-colored audiences. I didn’t see their faces, I didn’t have a clue how they were feeling. Were they bored or satisfied? It’s not about what the answer is, it’s about me having absolutely no belief in my performance. It was all acting, no emotions. Why can I say so, because I know what is like to “have belief” while singing. it’s when you just sing your hearts out and don’t give a damn on how the audience look like because you know they’re feeling with you, you don’t need to make sure by checking their facial expression and guessing if they’re satisfied or not.

I always talk to myself, no matter what bad things happen during the day, if at the end of the day when I lie down and about to sleep, I feel good, then it means I’ve had a good day. It was the same expectation towards the concert. I was hoping it could be a happy, memorable ending to my 4 boring years at VGU.

I know for sure there are many students like me at VGU who don’t feel any connection to the school nor other people at the campus. I’m not alone. But instead of being cool about it like many could do (you just simple seek another environment where you fit in), I was freak out. I was longing for the sense of belonging to this university, after I made a tough choice to leave home, leaving a mess behind me and move forward, I was an excited fresh who wanted VGU to be a happy, inspiring part of my youth. At the same time, I was all by myself. My brother was at the time struggling with his own marriage. Vi Anh is in Hanoi and we only chatted once in a while. My is in Japan, for years we nearly had no contact and I thought at some point I must let her go... Doug and Nhi went to BYU and I thought I might lose them as well... Other close friends were also away. I was lonely, i was desperate, i was ashamed.

For the record, there was an only truly happy and long lasting moment relating to VGU. It was the trip to Binh Lap with anh Quan, anh Huy, and Thien Tam. If you guys ever come across this note, I wanna thank you. It was the best thing happened to me during my VGU years.

This fourth year has been mind-blowing to me. I skipped the first semester to stay in Saigon for a part time job. And in the second semester I travel between 2 places. And suddenly I’m not a wallflower here in Saigon. For the first time in so many years, I don’t just watch, I am actively involved. For the first time in many years, the better version I talked about in the beginning and I, become one. I plan out my life, learn new things by my choice, meet new people and, many of them I make great friends, we exchange information and experiences, we help each other growth professionally and as a person. And above all things, My has decided to come back to Vietnam, and I realized after all the lost years, we still get each other's back. We reunited the gang along with Vi Anh and it was full of laughter. Many other friends have also recontacted and so it happened that we still exist in each other's life.

I love Saigon, for that it has been sweet and healing to me. I feel a sense of belonging, of living not just surviving. I guess the only reason for me to insist not staying overnight in Binh Duong was that after so many troubles, the fact that I could be back to the city for just a few hours sleeping, makes me feel safe, like “I’m at home at last”.

Of course, I didn’t get over VGU or Binh Duong easily. I wept out like a little girl but knew it was a “letting go” kind of crying. You know when you wish so much that things would work out between you and that person, it takes a while for you to accept that you’re not meant to be and you can move on and still live happily. Last night was the end to all my unrealistic hope. I felt absolutely nothing. No fun, no connection with the people, the atmosphere there. As soon as I finished the performance, I sneaked out into a dark conference room, playing with my phone while waiting for my friend to drive me back to Saigon.

I’m happy for those young and fun people I saw yesterday who has found themselves there, congrats to you, you will be like a close friend of mine who left VGU and his friends with tears of farewell. It’s also nice for me to be assured that people like me could still build beautiful memories elsewhere and be happy. In the end, we’re the only negative force of ourselves, no one can force us to do things we don’t want to.

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thelunarbond · 6 years ago

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OC questions time with Phoenix

A few days ago I reblogged this post with some questions to help with characterisation, and I wanted to write it out here with Phoenix as he’s my main oc! Here we go...

1) On a scale of “is occasionally forced to bathe” to “Instagram model with sponsors to hoe for” how involved is your OC’s Skincare routine?

Phoenix hates showering, especially when his anxiety is high. He still does it as often as possible, and he uses moisturiser and proper face wash, and that’s about it. He still barely grows facial hair despite the fact that he’s 19 years old. The rest of the Lunar Bond get jealous of him because he rarely gets acne or rough skin and he doesn’t even try

2) What are your OC’s food preferences (flavors/textures/spiciness/calories/ when and how they eat) and how did they get that way?

Phoenix is the least fussy eater ever and will eat almost anything. However, his preference is crunchy foods and/or spicy food. He doesn’t really have a preference with calories. He’s not very good at self care, so Phoenix’s diet normally consists of cereal and cup noodles for virtually every meal, as he never remembers to feed himself or remembers to buy food in the first place. (He might occasionally sneak out of bed to eat some shredded cheese at 5am too)

3) What’s something pointless/petty/unimportant that IRRATIONALLY ANNOYS THE HELL out of your OC?

Anything vaguely unsatisfying. Things such as when people cut wrapping paper and it rips, or when people draw with a ruler and it goes loose so the line isn’t straight, things like that. (Side note: Phoenix definitely watches satisfying compilations or soap cutting videos on YouTube)

4) What’s your OC’s response to being asked for money by a homeless person?

Fear, as he never carries cash or change on him (when he has money at all). He puts all his money on his bank card, and he knows he can’t transfer it to the homeless person. He gets scared that it would lead to the homeless person being angry or upset with him. And he feels bad that he could have done something to help someone

5) Does your OC get lost easily? What do they do when they do get lost?

Phoenix doesn’t get lost very easily as he never goes to places he hasn’t been to before. However, when he moved from the countryside to Westerlyn City he got lost all the time, and his response is a lot of fear (and probably a panic attack). When he would get lost he’d rely on his phone for directions and hope he wasn’t going to be lost forever

6) What would STOP your OC from Doing The Right Thing in a tense situation?

Answered here!

7) Realistically, could your OC (in their normal circumstances- i.e. at their own house/battlecamp/spaceship etc.) keep a small child alive for a week if they had to? A Dog? A Houseplant? A rock with a smiley face painted on?

Phoenix has been taking care of his little brother for years up until recently. He’s incredibly good at caring for other people or pets and making sure they are well, but he isn’t very good at looking after himself (probably because he’s too distracted while thinking about the other person/animal etc). He also has multiple houseplants in his home that are thriving

8) If your OC had to take the S.A.T. tomorrow with one night to prep, how would they do? both emotionally and academically.

Academically, Phoenix would do amazingly well. He has the highest IQ out of anyone in the Lunar Bond; he picks up information very quickly and is good at retaining it. His emotional well-being in that situation is a whole other story. Phoenix doesn’t believe he’s very good at anything. And he doesn’t think he’s particularly clever, no matter how many high test scores he gets. He would spend all night drinking energy drinks and studying, and freaking out that he’s going to fail and everyone’s going to be disappointed in him. He’d probably also be a big puddle of anxiety on the day of the test as well

9) What would cause your OC to chose to do something petty/pointlessly cruel?

Nothing. Phoenix is terrified of upsetting or angering people. No matter how many cruel or petty pranks are pulled on him, he doesn’t lash out as he’s scared of having an argument. If it’s constant, he might eventually yell at the person in question that what they’re doing is unfair, but it takes a lot to reach that point

10) On a scale of “Complete and Justified nervous breakdown” to “Conquer The Entire Galaxy and become an Immortal God-Emperor”, how well would your OC handle being abducted by Aliens?

Very very badly. He would have a total mental breakdown. He’d spend the whole time thinking he was going to die

11) What song is 100% guaranteed to get your OC beyond turnt and will be sung loudly and embarrassingly, either in public or the shower?

Pompeii by Bastille. Phoenix loves songs that he can sing along loudly to and are still calming in nature. He doesn’t really like “thumping” songs, such as songs with heavy bass or techno songs, as he thinks they’re too noisy. But he’d 100% sing along with a song like Pompeii in the shower at least (probably not in public though)

12) What perfectly-normal-to-them-thing does your OC do that confuses/pisses off/terrifies their neighbours?

He doesn’t really do anything that would piss them off as he’s scared of being confronted, but they would be confused by the fact that he leaves and goes back into his house constantly before he goes out to buy groceries. He’ll open the door, take about 2 steps outside and then go back in and stay there for another 10 minutes, still wearing his coat. He’ll leave the house again and walk to the end of the street and walk back, shut the door and not come out for 20 minutes, and it continues like that. To Phoenix, it’s his normal routine as he’s not sure if he’s too anxious to go into a store and buy groceries. In the end, after leaving and going back into his house about 5 or 6 times he’ll order his groceries online, and leave his neighbours very confused

13) Under what circumstances would your OC appear naked in public?

Only if it was life or death. If going naked in public would save his life or someone close to him he’d do it. But nothing else would make him do something like that

14) What thing did your OC’s parents do that your OC wishes they had a better explanation for?

This question is kinda confusing and I honestly don’t know how to answer it, sorry😅

15) How often does your OC “zone out” or do things on autopilot and how severe have the problems that have arisen from that been?

He zones out all the time. Multiple times a day he’ll start daydreaming, and something he does on autopilot is make cups of tea. The amount of times he’s nearly died as a result of his daydreaming is unreal. He still doesn’t stop his daydreaming while he’s in public, no matter how many times this has happened. His autopilot tea making has resulted in multiple occasions of him finding random cups of tea of different flavours around his house that he’s made, taken one sip out of, and left to go cold somewhere

16) How strong or weak is your OC’s Impulse control? What’s the worst thing that happened because of their Impulsivity or inability to be so?

Answered here!

17) How does your OC sabotage themselves?

A better question for Phoenix would be how he doesn’t sabotage himself. He’s the worst at self care, he’s never told someone he’s had a crush on that he loves them, trouble constantly seems to seek him out... someone help him

18) What’s the trashiest item in your OC’s wardrobe, when was the last time they wore it and why do they still have it?

Phoenix doesn’t really own embarrassing clothes but the trashiest thing he owns is an ancient oversized shirt that he’s had for many years; he lounges around the house in it (and sometimes wears it to the store when he occasionally braves the store). It’s covered in holes, stains and rips, the print is completely cracked and peeling and it’s about 4 sizes too big. And the last time Phoenix wore it was yesterday, because he refuses to throw it away (he claims he’s had it too long to throw it away)

19) How Dehydrated is your OC right now? Are they going to fix this?

How hydrating is tea? Because he hasn’t had a glass of water for about 6 hours but he’s had 4 cups of tea and he’s making himself another one

20) What’s your OC smell like? no, not that “Vanilla and Anxiety” evocative stuff, realistically. Body odour? what have they been touching all day? When was their last shower? Did they put on any kind of artificial scent?

Phoenix’s last shower was yesterday, so the smell of his body wash has faded a little. It’s scented like lemon and tea tree, and he still smells like it a little bit. Perfumes or aftershaves irritate his skin so he doesn’t wear them. His fingers smell like the pages of the second hand adventure books he’s been reading all day. The smell of the scented candles he has also lingers on him a little, and they’re scented like black cherry

#lunar bond #oc questions

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lostsolsdestinyblog · 6 years ago

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What even is Destiny 2 PvP scoring?

So we’ve just been through another Iron banner week; one with quite a few changes to both aesthetic as well as rules and it has just left me contemplating the entire nature of D2 PvP and how it is played and scored.

We don’t have to rehash all the drama of the SB/CBMM debate, but I think it’s safe to acknowledge that things were not on the firmest ground there. We also know that Forsaken is only two weeks away and that will have a huge impact on how we experience the game. All that said, I’m still sitting here this morning just scratching my head at exactly why D2 PvP works the way it does.

There are many layers to this that go back to D1 design decisions and rather than evolving in D2, there seems to be more regression than anything and I’m not sure why. The first thing that has been really odd from the launch of D1 has been stat-tracking. When Bungie made Halo, we had access to such a wealth of post game statistics on bungie.net. It wasn’t just kills, deaths and assists. We had statistics for who we killed most within a match or killed us, what weapons we died to, heat maps for every kill and death within a match or on a particular map.

When Destiny released, it’s post game stat tracking was spartan by comparison. We had access to win, losses, kills and deaths, but not much more. Now we could go to sites like destinytracker to find out more detailed information on what weapons we killed most with, statistics on number of zone neutralizations and caps, etc, but still nothing to the scope of Halo and all pulled from bnet API.

I can understand that maybe all the stat tracking that existed was a heavy upkeep within the bnet framework and therefore works out well for it to be outsourced to community willing to take that on; and for the most part bnet gave enough relevant info in D1 to get by, but D2 has even less information. While D1 at least let us track our k/d by gametype over the last week, 30 days or all time, D2 simply lets us see match results.

Where is gets even more odd is what those results show. This is a clash match I played on August 5th and take note of the over all score vs the opponents defeated.

In a 99-97 loss we somehow defeated 157 opponents to 141 for the winning team... In Clash.

Here is the individual breakdown for the match which makes for great post-game screen shots of high kill games, except for the fact that the numbers aren’t real or representative of actual individual kills.

I sort of understand why Bungie decided to go away from k/d tracking and moving to kd/a in D2. They were trying to make the game more player friendly for everyone and kd/a numbers look nicer, but again the numbers aren’t really relevant to much and don’t really give a player an accurate assessment of their overall skill level. We are also seeing all these 40, 50 and 60 kill games popping up since the switch to 6v6 and while Control does track actual individual kills per game, anything coming out of Clash is meaningless.

The picture above shows I defeated 25 opponents. I had a good game, woo hoo! Except that the only real kills I can count are 2 super and 1 grenade. I have no idea how many actual weapon kills I got since assists count in opponents defeated. So yeah, it doesn’t really make any sense what we are being shown or why. In Halo I could go to the post match statistics and see where my game was lacking and where I was doing well. I get literally nothing out of stats post-match in D2.

Another problem with the lack of meaningful statistics is in balancing the game and player complaints. I read all the time that the only weapons players are dying to are Graviton, Vigilance or whatever the flavor of a particular week or month is. I personally despise the kill feed as it stands with no followup post-match stats. The information is there and I can see all the different weapons in the feed and how little I actually die to the metas, but there is no way to show that outside of the kill feed because outside of the studio those numbers don’t exist.

This leads to players seeing a particular weapon kill them in the feed and it stands out because they know it’s popular. They’re dying to other things as well, but God damn that Graviton when it’s in the feed. This was HEAVILY exacerbated by the introduction of Trials in D1 because in 3v3 Elimination, if a team or teams use one particular weapon and that’s the only thing you die to each round due to the format, it makes it seem op or overused, but that has zero transition to the entirety of the rest of PvP.

I don’t expect to ever have a level of information available that Halo offered, but what we have now just isn’t good enough and needs to be better and not only more substantial, but relevant as well. Also I would like to give a bit of thought once more to scoring overall in the context of D2 Control.

As I have stated in previous posts, I understand why the rule changes were made that started with zones capped and eliminated having to first neutralize in D2 since it was going 4v4. Ultimately that decision played a big factor in supporting the heavy team-shooting and fireteam advatage play in D2. It made zones disposable because they were too easy to cap and too difficult to defend. So we got the merry-go-round (thank you PBRbaby on bnet for that perfect descriptor) play that is D2 with teams just stacking up and running zone to zone capping. The other side effect of this has been the unending spawn flipping and by proxy this has fed into the problems D2 has had with bad spawning and getting spawn killed.

Iron Banner made the changes that allowed zones to be locked on powerplays and then reset and ultimately it just magnified the need to stay grouped and blitz around to zones, especially since a group could cap faster and even if a player or two were contesting one of their zones, they could still lock by capping first. The fact that you can be 1% away from taking an enemy zone and still get locked out is broken in my opinion. I like what Bungie were attempting overall with the IB changes and it did give it a unique feel and aesthetic, but ultimately I don’t think it led to a plethora of great matches or particularly rewarding play.

This is a game my team won yesterday as I solo queued.

We won by 20 points but the opposing team had 44 more kills than us (and these are actual kills, not Clash’s inflated numbers factoring assists). I get it’s Control and we held the zones, but that is a HUGE discrepancy. It is also worth noting that outside of the actual post match screen, there is no place to see who capped zones. That seems like it should kinda be a thing for Control stat tracking.

That was a good match for my team, but I can’t imagine very satisfying for the opponents and underscores how frustrating D2 can be trying to rely on random teammates with no real communication. I would love to know the average number of caps per match for winning teams in D2 vs D1. I know it is much higher and I’m willing to bet by as much as 60% per match.That means there is even more of a premium on playing as a team in D2 which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but doesn’t seem to be all that popular when you see all the complaints of how tilted D2 is against solo/small team players.

D1 Control allowed solo players to have more of an impact on play both is attacking and particularly in defending. When opponents had to first neutralize, it meant capping was riskier and necessitated more players on a zone to try to cap faster. This allowed for solo players to be able to make more big plays as the other team risked capturing.

And finally I’ll close with this screenshot and link to the twitter post from @smcglauser https://twitter.com/smcglauser/status/1031391308764536834

When results like this are even possible, something is just broken.

#Destiny2 #lost sols #iron banner

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the-entity-with-determination · 7 years ago

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Sunday, January 21st, 2018 (1:31)

Dear diary,

Sorry for not posting anything yesterday. I was too tired to write.

Yesterday was a good day.

So. I really wanted to speak with the school psychologist in the big break. But kind of forgot about it. But fate was kind enough and she called me out myself (the school psychologist calls out each student to have a separate session and talk about how well they feel at school and stuff.) It was the first step to getting better when I collected the courage and talked about my problems. It sure was painful to hold back tears when I talked about the thoughts I had. And. To my surprise. The psychologist connected some of my behavior with factors of depression which I never even noticed myself. So. I oversleep quite a lot. And I thought “Why do I oversleep sometimes.”. And couldn’t answer that myself. But then the psych said “Oversleeping, no motivation in doing things, staying in bed and doing nothing for hours. That really sounds like you could have depression.”

The only motivation I have to get up from bed sometimes is to see Naomi and Samurai.

Ah and she was really kind, the psychologist. She had a very gentle aura and listened to me carefully. And when she noticed I was getting a little bit uncomfortable talking about a topic she would stop and jump to the next one.

But I must say. I’m proud of myself that I finally reached out for help. I usually don’t call for help because I think I might bother people. And this tendency led me to (1:53)(13:29) tolerate the bullying in middle school without talking to anyone about it. Until I had an emotional breakdown in 7th grade and my parents took action by talking to the school principal. It kinda helped. But it didn’t heal the emotional trauma. And the class still had those negative vibes. Haha I remember that in the last week I wrote in the group chat that they can all rot in hell.

The school psychologist gave me some contacts to some good psychologists which might help me. I’m gonna call them tomorrow to make an appointment and to take a test if I really have depression. Which I think I do.

But the next problem is, that if the test result comes out and I really have depression, then that means that I have to contact a therapist which could help me. But I don’t want my parents to know about my condition. But I gotta tell them or there will be no chance in getting better. I’ve got to make sacrifices by opening up to my parents. Well. Not fully but at least about my condition.

…I have a feeling that my parents are going to be really disappointed. Especially my father. They grew up in a society where mental illnesses were treated as something abnormal. That if someone has a mental illness, they have to be a psychopath and can’t accomplish anything in life.

I’m really scared how my parents will react. But… Since I’m their only child and they love me they’ll have no other choice but to support me.

I’ve recently also noticed something. When things were bad, the depression was there, but I thought that it was a normal feeling.

But when things got better like the environment, the people around me, my friends. I began to notice in what horrible mental state I’m in. And I asked myself “Why am I not feeling better. Things are so much better now than in the past. Why am I not happy?” And the more good things happened. The more and more I noticed how horrible my state is. Until I thought “I really need help. I can’t do this alone.”

I once had a short conversation about that with my parents but they just said “Ahh don’t worry this feeling will go away sooner or later.”

And I tried to believe them. But it only got worse.

Now I finally understand why I fail so many things at school, why I sometimes have no motivation in learning, why I have such a low self esteem, why all the things I touch turn to dust, why all the talents I have don’t progress, why I cry myself to sleep so often, why I sometimes think “Ahh I hope this car that is coming close will kill me.”

All of those things and more are because of this horrible mental illness called depression. And now that I finally know the cause to all of my problems. I’m ready to fight against it. I just need some support and it’ll finally disappear. I’ll be finally able to breath again. To enjoy life.

When I got out of that little room where the school psychologist was, I tried to enter the dressing room. (So the school psychologist called me out during PE) but the door was closed and no one was inside since they probably were in the PE hall. So I took that time to progress the conversation between me and the psych and to calm down. Then I had ethics study and met Naomi. Since I’ve texted in the group that I finally talked to the psych and was close to crying, she hugged me for quite a while, which felt really good since I really needed a hug at that moment. After that Naomi, Samurai and I went to Naomi’s dorm and hung out there a little bit. Then we had to part. And when we did I really wanted to spend more time with them. I missed them already. And I really wanted to hug them more. I probably felt that way because I was sick the whole time and didn’t get to see them that much.

So I can’t wait for tomorrow when I’ll finally see them again.

Since I fell asleep again I’ll also talk about what happened on Saturday.

It was a lazy day. But I have no regrets since I really needed to calm down from all this depression stuff. And I felt a little better. And a little bit more relieved. I’ve been hanging out with my family. And finally had a good time with them. Which unfortunately doesn’t happen often. We watched a movie together, had an interesting conversation and a good tea time.

I noticed that Samurai was quite silent during the day so I started to worry and asked if he was ok. He said that it’s the usual but felt too tired to socialize with anyone. Which I sometimes have too. I just lay in bed the whole day and ignore any kind of message, announcement or social media notification. Which isn’t that good for me cuz I get extremely lonely and start to think about negative stuff.

At the evening Samurai wrote an entry where he talked about the way he feels about Naomi. I was glad that at least there wasn’t any sign of self hatred in the entry.

Then I texted him and we talked about the entry for a while. I said things like he’s going to meet the perfect person which will make him the happiest person alive. Even more happy then Naomi ever could. He said stuff like that person prolly doesn’t exist and that no one could make him more happy than Naomi. And I said that I’m sure there is and that I’m going to scream “TOLD U SO.” at his wedding when he’s going to marry the person that he truly deserves.

After a while we both got tired and said good night to each other.

I hope that the things I do are helpful. I really want all of my friends to be happy. And I hope they’ll figure out how to help themselves and fight to get better.

Today I woke up at 11 am which is a little bit late so I’ll try to go to bed a little bit earlier today. I’ve done some house chores and had breakfast with my family. And now I plan to clean my room and study a bit. I’ve run out of time a little so I’m going to study for stuff that is more important than the other ones. I have an upcoming math and biology test for example.

Talk to you in the next entry.

Buh byeeeeeeeeee 👏✨ (14:29)

#diary #dear diary #twenty-first entry #mental illness #depression #self help #self care #selfcare #fear #parents #friends #friendship #happiness #psychology #psychologist #therapy therapist

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dear--mia · 7 years ago

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Yeah

Since this summer, about August, I’ve had plans to reach out to the counseling center on my school’s campus. I kept making plans to, but the would bail and be like “the timing isn’t right, I’ll do it later” and it wasn’t even like I was avoiding it bc of my ed or anything, I was just like, later. I mean, I probably subconsciously didn’t want to get help bc them I wouldn’t have an excuse if I relapsed but still. I’ve gone back to here a few times since then, fasting ad restricting for a bit, but then will have a normal diet again. But since about September, everything has been way worse.

I’ve been having massive anxiety attacks out of no where, and I’ll get really sad and all this crap. There was one night I was going to a party with my friends and for some reason right before I left to get ready at my friend’s house, I just got so overwhelmed and started crying. I ended up making it to her house but then I broke down again.

Things were okay. I had a lot of moments when I felt sad and would want to just go home, but any time I was out with friends I would just slap on a smile and pretend I was fine. No one really noticed so that was nice, but I definitely noticed my happiness becoming more and more fake.

I had a formal event for my sorority the other night. It was on Friday and I have classes Friday until 2. My friend who I made pregame plans with was like “okay, lets try to be ready super early so we can take pictures outside before the sun goes down” bc of course, it’s November and the sun goes down at like 5. And I was just like okay I’ll try but that might be hard. Basically, I didn’t even start getting ready until like 4:30 cus I had so much other shit to do. I felt off all day but just kept ignoring it and then I picked up my dress from the dry-cleaners and I was a little frustrated bc it wasn’t my ideal dress but I got it so last minute that I didn’t really have a choice. So yeah, got to my friends to get ready and already was pissed off.

I end up doing like half of my makeup, getting frustrated, kept looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I saw, so I had a breakdown. I had one at like 5:15, then my friend tried to help and I got frustrated again so I crying again, but then I calmed down enough to like fix everything. I was pretty much done but then I tried to fix part of my makeup but I honestly just looked at myself and was so frustrated that nothing was going right (bc every time I tried to fix some part of my makeup or something, something else would fuck up.) And I just hated how I looked and how I was so excited for this event but everything was fucking up so I just broke down. And it was one of those where you watch every part of you crumble. My face just fell and I lost it. I cried for a while and then got my shit back together. I felt really bad bc my friends kept trying to talk to me and I kinda yelled at one of them like twice. I didn’t mean for it to come out how it did, I honestly thought I would be able to control my voice/tone, and I intended on just saying whatever it was, but I ended up yelling and it came out so rude.

But anyway, we finally left and my makeup was definitely not as good as I had wanted but I just sorta had to deal. I brought a bottle of vodka with me and my friends and I drank in our car before leaving with our big group on a bus and I ended up finishing half of the bottle in about 20 minutes. Sooo I pretty much got trashed way too fast. But I was happy. I was ignoring everything that was wrong and actually put in a lot of effort to be happy and enjoy myself. So my sorority got onto the buses and I was fortunate enough to get a seat, and everything was great, but then we were like half way to the venue and I started crying again. It just hit me. I don’t even know what triggered it but I just got so upset and couldn’t stop.

I stopped enough once we got to the venue to check in, but then I went to the bathroom and just had a complete breakdown. All of these people were staring at me and asking if I was okay and it was so embarrassing. I tried to collect myself enough to get some food but that didn’t last long. So I went back to the bathroom and my friend’s were like “srsly dude we can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s going on” and I guess I felt bad for leaving them in the dark and I was pretty drunk, plus I really needed to say it, so I told them that my ed was coming back and in the past few weeks I’ve thought about killing myself like 3 or 4 times. I like collapsed into my friends arms at the end, and I just felt like I couldn’t breath. It was so awful. I ended up going home and all these people kept coming up to me while I waited for my ride. People I didn’t even know. It was so embarrassing.

The next day I felt so weird bc that was the first time I ever had such a public breakdown. So many people saw. A couple asked me what was going on the next day, but I just said I was fine.

I told my one friend I was going to make an appointment with the counseling center on Monday. A part of me thinks I kinda have to bc I have been putting it off for far too long and Friday night just proved that this shit doesn’t just go away. I used to have more control over it but I think that’s bc it was full force. Like I was purging and restricting, but at this point I’ve been ignoring it and trying to just eat normally while hating myself. Essentially, I don’t have any control over the situation and it just took over. Say fuck you, this is happening. I literally could not stop crying, it was horrible.

But, at the same time, I really don’t want to go. I want to start this “diet” again and I’m nervous that if I seek help, I’ll actually get better, but probably for only a temporary amount of time, making me hate myself even more later for being so stupid. I don’t know.

OH and this is not as related, but so I’ve sorta become friends with this dude right? We sometimes talk in person, but for some reason we snap chat all the time. But so him, myself, my really good friend, and a couple other of his fraternity brothers sit together at lunch like twice a week so we’re all familiar with each other. But so he snapchatted me a few weeks ago asking if my friend would be his date to his fraternities formal. I asked her and she said she would go, but only if I went too, So basically, this kid needs to find me a date to their formal. So yesterday, the day after my breakdown, he asked me if my friend was still going with him, and I said yeah, as long as he found me a date. (the deal was also with another one of our friends, too. So this kid had to find a date for me and one other girl, but she’s not as close as me and the girl the dude wants to take) but so then he goes “hmm, maybe I should look for another date” I was like woooooow. But so I just said “lol ok” and he goes “I don’t really know your friend that well anyway” I was honestly amazed. That was just sorta the icing on the cake. Like I know a lot of his brothers, am friends with majority of them. And guys typically don’t want to take girls they are just friends with to formals bc they’d rather take girls they’re interested in or whatever, but usually if they aren’t talking to a girl, they’ll just take a friend. But this guy asked their group and hasn’t gotten any answers. So basically no one wants to take me. And while I don’t know for a fact why, it’s really fucking hard not to assume it’s because I’m so fucking fat and gross and ugly. If I were skinnier and prettier I’m sure someone would be like yeah, for sure. But no. They all would rather go alone then take me. Feels fucking awful.

I’ve been having a lot of urges to kill myself again but every time, I think “no, I have to be skinny first”

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deathlyambers · 5 years ago

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Entry 1: I guess

Hi. I’ve been on Tumblr for a little bit but don’t really know how to use it. I’m a 17 year old male about to start my senior year of High School. I worked as a camp counselor for a few years which has just recently ended. I used to like to drink and smoke weed but now with my anxiety I don’t really like to. I started this tumblr to just tell my story. I’ve been trying to find therapeutic ways to let some of this out. I went through a bit of depression when I was in 8th grade. My dad has just lost his job and on my birthday, of all days, which just kinda through me in a funk. I just became more reserved. Everything turned out ok. Freshman year of high school I started smoking weed. I just wanted a way to kinda relieve some stress and use it to have fun. The first time I got high I had a panic attack. It was the scariest moment of my life because I thought I was going to die. I stopped smoking weed a little bit after that. That experience triggered my anxiety, which at that point, I didn’t know existed. I dealt with my anxiety throughout the rest of freshman year. What triggered it was the feeling of being out of control of my own body, which is how I felt when I got high. For awhile, I just went through bouts of anxiety. Sometimes it would flare up while other times I was fine. Sophomore year was ok. I got my license but I don’t really look back on it fondly. My physical appearance has always been something I’ve been self-conscious of and sophomore year, I think, I just looked very overweight and gross. I feel like a lot of people did use me for my car because I was one of the first people to drive. I got in trouble a few times with my parents for driving a bunch of people at once. Towards the end of sophomore year I started to get anxiety about eating food. I would freak myself out and convince myself that everything I ate was drugged and that I would start freaking out right after I ate food. My mom thought it was just the stress of school manifesting itself in my anxiety but it turns out it was just generalized anxiety. The summer going into junior year I went on anxiety medication. During this time I also drank a lot. I was just bored and drinking was a lot of fun. The medication helped a lot and during that time I lost about 20 pounds. I felt amazing. The medication also took away my anxiety about smoking weed so I started smoking again, occasionally. I had two friends who I did everything with and this was just a really good time. Junior year started off great. I had a job working at a grocery store and was proud to be making my own money. I also took a few classes online so my schedule was a lot more flexible for school. I had first period free and took a bunch of electives. It was a really good time. Around the beginning of October I quit my job because it just gave me too much anxiety. I also went up on the medication I was on. I thought that would help. It made me really angry and irritable. The first week of October was just really bad. I went back down on the medication but things didn’t feel the same. By November I was ready to go off the medication. I stopped drinking and smoking because they ended up just making my anxiety worse. I haven’t drank or smoked since December. The rest of Junior year was ok. I worked two days a week at the daycare at my school. It was nice because I had set hours and did a lot less work. I stopped working after Spring Break so I could focus on the ACT and AP tests. Junior year ended fine. My GPA wasn’t too bad and my ACT score was good. This summer has gone by really fast. I worked 8:45-3:15 everyday for the past 8 weeks. Our last day was on Friday. I enjoyed working their at times, and other times I despised it. This last week was really hard for me. The people I worked with I realized did a lot less work than me and it started to piss me off. I had a few breakdowns this past week but by the end of the week I didn’t care of just let my coworkers take care of everything. We ended on good terms. I got the counselor fo the summer award. Nothing really came with it but the title. I’ve worked there since I was 13 but I think this year was my last summer. Next summer I’m going to try to travel to Europe with some friends. This past weekend I’ve just been very depressed. I think it’s because the summer is coming to a close and I’m going back to school in two weeks. I’ve just been sad because I didn’t do much this summer. I worked and hung out with friends but not that much. Yesterday I went thrifting with my friend, which was fun. I’m also sad I’m not going to college until next year. I’m gonna miss my friends in the grade above me and I don’t want to be here for another year. If I could do High School over again, I would have taken more college courses and online classes Sophomore and Junior year and graduated early. But there’s not much I can do about it now. My schedule for senior year is good. The first part of my day is at a community college, and I only have two classes at my high school. It’s a good mix. Hopefully this year will go by fast. I hope this helps get some of my feelings out. I tried forcing myself to cry but that didn’t work. Not sure if anyone will see this but if someone does, I’d like to hear your stories. I don’t know if it’s me being naive but I just really want a new friend or friends. Thanks for reading this if you did.

#my story #anxitey #depression #normal #teen and young adult

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idealisticrealism · 8 years ago

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Blindspot recap 2x18

(Aka the one where Roman gets to go on another excursion, Weitz wants to date literally the entire team except for maybe Patterson bc he’s intimidated by her brains, Reade is Touched By An Angel, and Nas falls on her sword for reasons which will probably never become entirely clear to anyone)

Okay, yes, I am the world’s worst procrastinator, and so am only just managing to get this posted now despite the three-week break. Tbh I intended to do it a couple of days ago, but then ended up getting distracted doing some writing of a different kind (stay tuned for that one very shortly!) and as such ended up with very little time for this-- hence why it’s a little shorter and kinda all over the place lol. But anyhow, if you were wanting a refresher on last ep before the new one tonight, you’ve come to the right place haha.

Enjoy.

Okay I'm confused by this very large number of phenotypically-diverse children in one house. Also this blonde lady looks suspicious. Oh no and now the shouting girl is dead... after jumping from the second floor onto dirt? It would be unusual to die from that kind of injury, especially as a young person with strong bones, though it‘s certainly within the realm of possibility, depending on the type of impact. Also it's times like this that I'm reminded that both this show and I are kinda grim haha

Naaawwwww look at the Mayhem Twins in their little domestic bubble. Jane's so excited about her new 'bring your little bro to work' sitch and Roman is all *grumble grumble emo teen* about it, which lbr is pretty fair, but like Jane says, ‘freedom is something you have to earn’. Just bc you can't remember all the bad things you've done, doesn't mean everyone else can just forget it too, buddy! And considering you were literally the enemy not too long ago, it’s actually pretty impressive how much the team has let you in and treated you kindly. If anything demonstrates that the team (*cough* especially Weller *cough*) truly loves Jane, this is it. So be nice to your sister, bucko, because she's the reason that you actually have a chance at living a normal life for literally the first time ever. Sigh, my poor little battered babies. Why must you suffer so much and be hugged so little. Also well done makeup team on remembering to keep Jane's face bruised haha

Lol I love this scene, bc now without Reade, the team consists of poor beleaguered Weller and four badass (and currently rather displeased) ladies. The varied responses to Weitz’s inquisition are hilarious though-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง , Zapata is all eye-rolls and being so done with this shit, Nas is already planning and scheming and looking at it from all angles, and Jane is there solely to support Weller and get his support in return, bc MARRIEEEEDDDD. And ugh Weller is such a good leader and reassures them all and then ugh he and Zapata having that little moment of worry over Reade and ugh my babiessss

Speaking of Reade, he’s apparently busted both his face and his phone lol. He's also in a very weird hospital room; like this is a huge space for only two beds. I wonder who found him though? Also given his recent expensive habits, can he even afford the price of medical care?? If he was here in Aus, it'd be free, but in the States??? Good luck, bro...

Naww the team is soldiering on, with Patterson telling them about a new tattoo to check out-- a tattoo with numbers somehow linked to the girl that died. As usual, Patterson's explanation of just how that happened went in one ear and right out the other, for both me and the team, it seems. Oops. But ugh poor Jane looks a little bit sick at the thought of the girl's death being linked with her tattoos-- it must be so hard sometimes, to be covered in (what is sometimes the equivalent to) people's death sentences? Seriously Weller needs to hurry up and kiss all of those tattoos and remind her that in carrying them, she helps the team save people. Ugh, that woman just really needs a good long hug.

Oh and look who it is, the ADA that everybody loves to hate. Gotta say, I still kinda ship him with Zapata a little bit. Like, in a 'hate each other so much they occasionally meet up and have angry sex' kinda way. But then again I kinda ship her with Roman, but then kinda also don't at the same time... Idk, imagining her and Roman kissing would be a little weird. Like he's just such a lil puppy and she's all wildcat. But aaaaanyway, ooooohhhh I love Weller's teeny tiny eye-twitch when Weitz mentions Jane. It's like turning his Protective Hubby mode onto vibrate-- none of the big loud shouty anger, just a subtle 'come near her and I will end you' vibe that radiates through him lol. I dig it. Apparently Weitz has no sense of self-preservation though, so not only threatens them all with suspension, but also steps directly in Weller's way, AND refers to Patterson as a lab rat. Oh boy. I'm so proud of our Weller though, clearly he's been working on his anger management haha. Plus, he totally just won that round and Weitz knows it.

Dude they totally wouldn't be letting bystanders that close if the body was still right there. But whatevs. Also I like Weller's boots. And now oooh all the kids and the foster mom have disappeared, whatever could have happened....

Ughhh I love that Weller, Nas and Jane are all blatantly watching Patterson being interviewed, and Weller's all casual about it like 'yeah she's tough she's got this', but you just KNOW that if Patterson looked to be in any distress at all, Weller would be storming through those doors in a fury, with Nas following behind ready to provide some kind of excuse, whereas Jane would have slipped quietly away and set off the fire alarm or something before shimmying through the vents and dropping down into the room behind Weitz's guys, basically forming a pincer-maneuver with Weller, ready to kick the crap out of anyone that dares upset their lil Patterson. Of course Zapata would be flying in there right beside Weller (except when he would put himself in front of Patterson, she'd just launch straight at Weitz lol) but she's not present in the equation rn. Oh but here she is now, actually, with a lead-- she's found streetcam footage of the teenage boy from the foster-house. If they can find him, maybe they can solve the whole mystery and save the other kids.

Ughhhhh speaking of Patterson and Weitz, he's grilling her about Borden, and ugh my baby is being so tough and not taking any of his shit and for once I feel kinda grateful for that slimy weasel Fisher bc at least he gave her good practice for dealing with scumbags like this? Ugh I know my baby had somewhat of a breakdown in last ep (I wonder if she's cleaned her apartment up at all after that) but she really seems kinda... battle-hardened... now. Which makes me sad, but at the same time, we know that Jane has been through a whole ton of awful crap and she's still a little cinnamon roll despite it, so I have high hopes for Patterson to do the same. Especially with Jane there to help mentor her through it.

Oooh the Power Trio (by which I mean Jeller and their sidekick, Nas) are in Weller's office, and lbr this is very much a scene about a married couple having a debate, with Nas hanging in the background trying to be unobtrusive haha. I love that Jane was just reminding Roman this morning that these things take time-- but the first chance she gets she goes to hubby and is like 'let's put him on the team' haha. And lbr here, Weller puts up a half-assed argument purely for appearances’ sake. We know he's going to allow it, bc he's whipped a caring and supportive hubby and he wants the woman he loves to be happy. And also he wants Roman to be redeemed, bc if there's hope for Roman then there's hope for them all. He makes an excellent point that today is literally THE WORST day to be thinking about doing this-- literally a single thing goes wrong out there, even something that's not at all Roman's fault, and Weitz is going to be all over their asses. The dude's just waiting for an excuse, and letting a 'known terrorist' (sorry puppy, you know I don't mean that) out on a case is bound to be exactly the kind of thing he's after. But who cares, those are all far too sensible and logical things to be worrying about. Nas, surprisingly, has done a 180 from her shared opinion with Dr Sun that Roman is a monster, and encourages Weller to let him out in the field. Is she deliberately doing that to try to get them to play right into Weitz's hands, or is she just doing it bc she knows Weller's going to give in anyway and so she adds her support, letting Weller pretend he's been 'out-voted' (despite him being the highest-ranking person in the room) rather than actually just being the big marshmallow that he is? And ugghh he finally says yes and Jane is trying really hard to look mature about it and not beam at him and he's trying really hard not to seem pleased about making her happy and ugh these two giant dorks are gonna be the death of meeeee

Dude you're really not gonna use your work insurance? I suppose maybe you can't, since you quit like yesterday, you big dumb idiot. And then ugh the other guy asks him about his PTSD, and it's very convenient that the sole other occupant in the room is someone that can give Reade some real insight into his situation and help him get on the right path. If this was a daytime movie, we'd find out at the end that this guy was actually an angel the whole time, placed there to help him find his way. But it's Blindspot, so more likely he's a Sandstorm plant or something lol, since they seem to be literally everywhere haha. Also Reade denies being a veteran, and is he just trying to cut off the conversation, or is that answer honestly a no? I feel like my understanding of his character was that he WAS in the army before the FBI. But hey, maybe I just made that up.

Naawww Roman is like 'wait I'm coming out on a case that's not directly related to me?? Really??' and Jane is all 'yep now let's go out there and show them how great you are' and he snarks back about getting tossed back in a cage if he doesn't, and I love that there's a hint of reproach in her tone when she tells him that it's important, and a big opportunity-- like okay bro I know you’ve had a tough time but everyone is trying super hard to be inclusive and give you a fair shot so maybe ease up on the attitude mmmkay?? I love that Jane is Roman's biggest advocate when talking to others, but when he starts to get a bit whiny she (gently but firmly) puts him back in his place. Man, she’s such a big sister. Also dude they're gonna have to be even more careful with what they say about Sandstorm etc now, considering that Roman's detail is in the lab with them? Though I suppose all Patterson's lil lab techs are usually hovering around all the time, so maybe these are all high-clearance people. Rn Patterson's concerned about Weitz twisting everything they say, worried that telling the truth may not be enough to protect them. But Weller is all 'truth or nothing, we die with honor*' (*paraphrasing lol) and ugh I'm so proud of him for being such a good, incorruptible man. And so now they have another lead-- the teen's music teacher lives near where he was seen on the cam, so maybe he's gone there for help. Weller wants to check it out, but Patterson's already got plans at the morgue (that's where I'd go too tbh, autopsies are fascinating) and Zapata's got a date with Weitz, so that doesn't leave many other options. Jane's quick to suggest Roman, ratcheting the tension level up to about 300 before Weller is all like 'screw it, alright come on but just don't mess up okay bc wifey will be really upset if something bad happens' and Roman is all 'yes sir I would never intentionally make my sister unhappy sir' while Jane practically skips out of the room behind them haha

Weitz is asking Zapata about Reade-- ooh is someone worried about competition, Weitz?? Don't worry, she and Reade are just friends. And you are dirt on the sole of her shoe. But hey, maybe that's one of your kinks or something. Anyway oooh it comes up that Nas gave the order to enter the Sandstorm compound and that Weller wasn't there. The writing in the scene is clever and focuses on the Weller side of things, but it's also a setup to Nas getting blamed... wonder if they'll pounce on her later?

So it's snowy again, which means weather-wise, we should be approaching somewhere close to a full year since Jane was found in Times Square. Though since my theory is that she was found in January, I'm going to assume we're maybe around November now. Anyway I love that Weller allows Jane and Roman to head around back while he takes the front-- so much trust in Jane ugh (and some in Roman too, obviously). And he said Roman's detail would have to come out with them, but I don't see them anywhere... maybe scoping the perimeter? Round back they find Eli playing on a little pitch-pipe (it kinda looks like little plug-adaptors for TV aerials-- did he make it himself?) and ugh Weller reassures him and is doing his whole fatherly thing and ughhhh I love it (almost as much as Jane does hehe)

Meanwhile Patterson just found out that their girl's body has been basically snatched from the morgue, which is unfortunate. Clearly there was something about her body that could give the bad guys away??

I think Nas is trying to psychoanalyze Roman. But he's doing a better job of it himself tbh, and indirectly admits that he's scared of himself. Ugh, my puppy. Let me hug you. In the interview room, the Jeller dream team are talking to the kid, with Weller looming over him a little as the stern dad-figure and Jane sitting at his level, being the sensitive, understanding mom figure and ughhhhh I am having premonitions of them talking to their own teen after they go out drinking or stay out past curfew or something and ughhh I better not fall down this rabbit hole rn bc it'll be hours before I pull myself out of it, so let's focus on the present instead okay. Patterson has no leads on the body-snatchers, the music teacher has been out of town and has no idea about anything, and so all their hopes rest on getting Eli to open up. Roman suggests giving him back the pitch-pipe, recognising it as a sentimental item, much like the coin he and Jane shared. And ugh Weller approves and Jane is so proud and ooh Zapata just came into the lab and looked at Roman with a guarded expression and ugh stop making me ship it okay?? Anyways Jane's up next to talk to Weitz, and man does she look eager about the prospect lol

Aaaaaahhhh Weitz's first question is whether she's been in a romantic relationship with Weller (dude do you have a crush on Jane as well as Zapata?? Fair enough, I understand) and ugh I love that she doesn't go straight for a 'no', she instead questions its relevance to the investigation. And yaaaaasss I love that it's only after Weitz pretty much implies that she slept her way onto the team that she denies the romantic relationship. Because after all, it's kinda true; they definitely have (or as she thinks in his case, HAD) romantic feelings for each other, and they have had romantic interactions, but they have never been in a literal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, therefore her answer is not a lie. (Though I hope one day it will be hehe). And then he attacks her about zipping Roman, acting like she has something to hide, trying to get her to slip up and somehow incriminate Weller, claiming that her loyalties are with Roman and (basically) that Weller's loyalties are with her, meaning he believes Weller would choose her over the FBI if it came down to it, and ugh I know this guy is trying to cause problems and everything but I kinda love him for laying it out to Jane like that, putting the thought in her mind that maybe Weller WOULD choose her, maybe Weller cares enough about her that if it somehow came to it, he would turn his back on the agency that has been his life for a dozen years in order to stand with her. And lbr, he would. Heeeeelllllppppp.

Aaaand Reade is still ignoring calls and being an all-round butthead. Also I've suddenly decided Reade needs a dog. Oooh and angel-Trevor not only has PTSD, but he's dying bc of his drug and alcohol abuse, having already lost his family because of it. Yep, this guy was definitely put here to teach Reade a valuable life lesson. Good luck Trevor, hope you succeed. Also sorry to hear about the dying thing.

Naww Weller is being the understanding dad now, since mom-Jane isn't there to do it, and Zapata has taken on the role of that cool aunt that you can tell anything to. Also this kid must be kinda in awe of the hotness of the women in this place lol. He is like 16, after all. And then ugh he finally tells them that their foster mom was giving them pills-- and then BAM, he breaks open the pitch-pipe and there's one of the pills. Score one for Roman! Also I very much enjoy watching Roman watch the interviews. Handsome, emotionally troubled men with hearts of gold are definitely part of my aesthetic. Zapata takes the pill to Patterson to be tested, whereas Weller is accosted by Weitz, who looks positively delighted to get to have some alone time. Well, if a bunch of observers and a camera counts as alone time, anyway.... (#kinky)

And ughhhh yet again his first question is Jeller-related. We definitely have a shipper here. And ugh Weller describes his relationship with Jane as professional, which is technically true. Their relationship is multifaceted, and a big one of those facets is their work partnership. Especially lately, while the personal stuff between them is only just beginning to delicately blossom again. Then when Weitz pushes-- clearly desperate to know if there's hope for his OTP or not-- Weller hedges, saying that they go out for drinks as a team sometimes. Again, true; that is another facet. I love how he is very much skirting around the head-over-heels-in-love facet. Well played, Weller. It's Weitz’s fault for not asking you directly if you're in love with her. For once he's probably somewhat relieved for the conversation to move onto Shepherd-- well, until Weitz starts claiming that she's Weller's benefactor (slash future mother in law) and that he may actually be working for her somehow. Remember those anger management lessons, son, you've been doing so well. Just get through this and you can go find Jane so she can be outraged on your behalf.

But nope, instead he walks into the lab, and when Jane asks how it went, he grumpily changes the topic. Sigh. I guess it would be a little hard for him to seek support from her when all the team-- including Roman and Roman's detail- are standing right there. Plus he probably still feels a little awkward about nearly getting caught out on the whole being in love with her thing. Kinda makes sense that he's a little touchy. Anyway Patterson has discovered that the foster kids are being used as guinea pigs in illegal drug tests. And cue a scene with labcoated people talking about euthanising the kids, which the foster mom initially argues against, but then accepts. Wow, messed up, much? Thankfully the drug has to be out of the kids' systems before they kill them, so that buys them another hour for our team to come to their rescue.

Lol Trevor and I seem to share feelings about home-renovation shows. I'd sure as hell rather watch hockey too, buddy. Reade catches him right before he falls over trying to change the channel, seeing that his legs are too weak to even support him anymore, and angel-Trevor then tells him to get control of his life 'the right way' by talking about his pain, getting it all out. And Reade starts to open up to him and ughhh I really hope he is an angel and not some kind of plant bc if the wrong person finds out about this, Reade could be in some serious shit...

Nas' contacts are closing in on Sandstorm's bank account after tracking that transaction Roman made, but Weller's more fixated on the fact that his unwanted 'link' to Shepherd is a threat to the team (now you know how Jane feels, bud!). Thankfully though Patterson has found a lead-- the capsule that holds the pill's contents is (very fortuitously) only used by four companies, and they showed photos of employees to Eli until they found the doctor he'd met-- a man with a very Polish-looking name, which Patterson can't pronounce, and Weller thinks he can, but can't. Literally I'm an Aussie who has never been to Poland, and while I'm definitely not sure exactly how it's meant to sound, I know enough to know it's not whatever he just said. But anyhow, let's add another uncle to Weller's list haha-- he seems to have been collecting a few lately. I wonder which side of the family they were on? Not that it matters, since he's estranged from both, I guess... but anyhow there's only one way to find the doctor, and that's to use Eli as bait. I appreciate that they get his consent first, bc lbr they probably didn't have to.

And like a sucker, the doc fell for it, and they traced the call to a warehouse. Roman's detail is assigned to cover the back entrance (good, keeps them out of the way) and Weller puts Jane together with Roman while he and Zapata take another entrance. I love the Roman/Jane teaming up thing because again, it shows Weller's trust in Jane... but I want my Jeller combo back. How long til we can have Zapata and Roman teaming up? Bc I am veeeeery interested to see how that goes. I do appreciate that Zapata raises no concern about Roman being out with them though. It's nice to see him being accepted more ughh. Sounds like the foster mom has had a change of heart, and doesn't want the kids to die. Too little, too late, lady. And then she literally tries to grab a gun to shoot at Weller (rude) but he fires a warning shot, bc he believes in JUSTICE not vigilantism and ugh I just love my sweet honorable boy. And speaking of sweet honorable boys, as the team approaches the kids, Roman runs straight to them and starts cutting them free ugh, while Weller chases a bad guy and Jane finds the power source for the machines (not sure why, like she could literally just pull the IV's out of the kids' arms)-- but it's lucky she does, bc it puts her in the perfect spot to grapple with another suddenly-appearing bad guy. Roman nearly gets shot in the head about five times in the process, and he and the kiddies make a run for it while the rest of the team is locked in their own individual battles. Zapata personally kicks the shit out of the doctor guy, which I appreciate. They all dispatch their opponents and regroup at the same time, realising Roman is nowhere to be found. Jane looks super worried but also convinced that he'll pop up at any second, while Weller's just like 'shit I can't deal with this rn' and then ta-da Roman appears with all the kids safe and sound and Jane is practically bursting with pride and rainbows and Weller just gives this little nod like 'good work... u lil shit' and we didn't get to see Zapata's reaction but I stg she would have been frowning bc she found the whole situation worryingly hot lol

Ugh now they're all at the hospital and Roman and Jane walk up to Weller together but she lets Roman take the lead bc lbr seeing the two men she loves most in the world interact is probably like her favourite thing ever, plus it's good for Weller to be reminded that Roman really does care ugh. And then Jane tells Roman how great he did and Weller agreeeeeeeeessss (bc now it's just them there so he doesn't have to keep up the cranky-boss appearances anymore and can just be the approving bro-in-law and ughhhhh save me). Oh and it seems Zapata is here to do just that, bc she's discovered Eli is missing from his room-- turns out he's gone to confront foster-mom. Also according to the decor, this is literally the same hospital that Reade is in. Imagine if the team ran into him in one of the corridors?? Awkwaaaaard. But anyhow the team finds Eli, and Weller approaches and starts talking him down while the rest watch from the doorway, and ughhhh "don't let what she's done ruin the rest of your life"/ "the things that you've had to go through, they can make you stronger, but you have to make the right choices" and ughhhhh his words literally could relate to any member of the team, but are clearly hitting Roman especially hard rn. Yaaaas give me all the Roman/Weller bonding. And omg the kid drops the knife and then walks straight into Weller's arms and I'm screaming bc ALL THAT SPECULATION ABOUT WHICH OF THE WOMEN THE HUG WOULD BE WITH, AND IT'S A FREAKING TEENAGE BOY. Oh, man, that promo sure got us good. I'm so amused by this haha

Oooh Weller has called his ladies (sans Nas, which imo is the way it should be) into his office-- he's giving Tasha the lead on the Sandstorm op, which makes them all go "??What???" so he explains that in order to prevent Weitz taking the whole team down, he's going to fall on his sword, take the hit to spare the rest of them. And lol yet again it's a mixed-bag of reactions-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง again, whereas Zapata-- as a bureaucracy-understanding agent like Weller-- clenches her jaw, telling him they'll fight it together but knowing why he's doing what he's doing; but ugh Jane's eyes are locked on Weller's face, voice rough with emotion as she insists there IS no team without him. Because to her, there isn't. There's nothing without Weller-- she can't even comprehend existing in a world where he is not at its center. And when he insists that this is the plan he's going with, she looks to the others, hoping they'll help her talk him out of it-- but they're silent. There's nothing they can do. He's still their boss, and this is his final order. Weitz has his victim at last.

But not, apparently, the one we were expecting. While Weller was saying his farewells, Nas Kamal-- the sneakiest of the sneaky-- is already in with Weitz, claiming full responsibility for literally everything (did you know she shot JFK, too??). So, okay... what is actually going on here? Was this literally the point of her character all along, to provide someone else to be offered up as a sacrificial lamb, when all the shit that has happened this season finally catches up with them? I just... idk. I don't get it. I feel like Nas' character makes no sense, like she's some kind of shape-shifter, initially one thing, and then another, and then another, based on the whims of the writers. After nearly a full season I have no idea what her motivations actually are, and I have no idea whether any of the things she said or did were genuine or by design. But, well, better her on the chopping block than Weller, I guess? Well... so long, Nas, and thanks for all the fish-y business!

Ugh my precious Weller catches up with them just as they're leaving, though clearly dreading what he's about to do but ready to do it anyway to protect his team. And then Weitz is all "Boy, bye"... though not before offering to take him out on a date. Does this man literally have a crush on EVERY member of the team, or???

Reade is getting out of hospital, and he leaves his number for Trevor (silly boy, angels don't need phones to speak to you), and the last bit of advice he receives is not to face his demons alone. So c’mon, Reade, who you gonna call?

Okay I am super uncomfortable with drinks being poured on top of the touchscreen table thing. I can't believe Patterson is allowing this. And aww the team thanks Nas for her sacrifice, but lbr they're all secretly glad it's her and not Weller. And then she says a mildly emotional goodbye (she's not really one for touchy feely stuff, lbr), passing the torch to them to continue on her quest against Sandstorm-- and giving them the bank account details, which will no doubt be their next lead. Aaaand yep I am still no closer to understanding anything about why she does what she does or what she wants or anything, really. Which either means that the writers are waaaaay more clever than I am, or they have no more of an idea about it than I do lol. Personally, I'm kinda leaning toward the second...

Aaaaaahhhh Reade called Zapata. GOOD BOY. THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD THING YOU'VE DONE IN WEEKS. And ugh he thanks her for coming over and she thanks him for calling back and they HUGGGGGG and I still do not ship them in the slightest but man have I missed their awesome friendship!!!! And then aaahhh he picks up the tape (apparently he's found a VCR at a thrift store or somewhere lol) and tells her that what he was doing wasn't working and that he needs to know so he can move on and then ughhhhh they sit on the couch together and she holds his haaaaaaaand and ugh I so desperately hope that it's just a game tape and ugh I'm terrified to find out and oh man I can’t even imagine watching that with someone knowing that they may be about to see you violated in that way, knowing that this is something they will always be aware of in the back of their mind when they look at you, and mannnn I just can't get over the incredible depth of the relationships in this show like yes this particular situation is horrible but these connections are so what I came here for ughhhhhhh

Ew, Shepherd. I was enjoying a few episodes without you. And okay blah blah blah you've bought something very expensive and very toxic looking in Bangkok. Whatevs. Hope it backfires on you somehow.

And okay that's the ep done, just in time haha. About the promo: my prediction is that the Jeller kiss we saw will actually be interrupted before it happens, but that Jeller will find a way to ensure that some uninterrupted smoochin' happens by the end of the episode. And lbr they are so DUE for a kiss. Like it's a legit pattern; both of them kiss somebody else. Then they kss each other. Then they both kiss someone else again. Then kiss each other. Then, most recently, they've both kissed other people again, people whom they no longer have any relationship with. Which means: this Jeller kiss is a definite guarantee. It's pure science. Just wait til tonight's ep; you'll see. And after that, the pattern’s gonna end, bc these two won’t be kissing anybody but each other ever again ugh

#Blindspot #Blindspot recap #Jeller #ooooookay now to get like 5 hours sleep #then work for ten hours #THEN watch the episode #sighhhhhh

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dreamxng-forever · 8 years ago

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(It deleted for some reason?) but @punk-rock-pixie asked me to answer all Unusual Asks so: Oh lordy Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Pandora is your room messy or clean? Generally it's kinda meh. I never put away my clothes so they're always in a pile on top of my stuffed animals what color are your eyes? A pretty chocolate brown or sometimes a dark hazel do you like your name? why? I mean yeah. Sarah is a pretty name and I don't see it being any different. Also it means princess in Hebrew so hell yeh what is your relationship status? Single and very lonely describe your personality in 3 words or less Seriously emotionally fun I guess what color hair do you have? It's dirty blonde what kind of car do you drive? color? I don't drive one but I'll have to drive a Jeep Cheeokke (the old square ones) and its white with a black hood where do you shop? Spectrum mostly how would you describe your style? My friend use to say fashionable. I don't know. Pretty disney-esk? favorite social media account Tumblr what size bed do you have? Twin any siblings? An older brother whom I miss because he's never home anymore if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? Does a fantasy world count? It probably doesn't so fuck. Um, honestly Disneyland. I would live in Disneyland. It's already like my second home and it holds such a special place in my heart favorite snapchat filter? The flower crown. I love flower crowns favorite makeup brand(s) You are asking someone who knows shit about makeup how many times a week do you shower? You know what no comment because recently I've been a lazy bum and don't shower as often as I need to. But typically I shower every other day favorite tv show? Fuck Grey's Anatomy or The Walking Dead shoe size? 9/10 how tall are you? 5 feet 7 inches sandals or sneakers? Typically sandals do you go to the gym? HA describe your dream date Disneyland with a bae who is just as passionate about the park as I am and we meet all the characters and introduce ourselves as each other's Prince/princess. Then a long time sitting around in Off the Page and just being together and snuggling while watching all the concept art and listening to all the songs and we talk about stuff if we feel up to it how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? About like $10 I think what color socks are you wearing? Invisible cause I am barefooted how many pillows do you sleep with? Two but I have many stuffed animals that I snuggle with do you have a job? what do you do? I don't, but I did work at Costume Castle in October and gonna do it again. I like being on the floor and helping customers and cleaning up the isles how many friends do you have? A have a few but honestly my main group of friends there's only 3 whats the worst thing you have ever done? Injured myself even though my friends and mom begged me not to whats your favorite candle scent? Strawberry 3 favorite boy names -Dorian -Jayden -Warren 3 favorite girl names -Aria -Alice -Mari favorite actor? That's very hard for me to choose favorite actress? Scarlet Johanson who is your celebrity crush? Tom Hiddleston favorite movie? Another can't choose. There's so many categories I put into my favorites, and even then there's severals in the category. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? Not really? I use too and my favorite series was the Spooks Apprentice. But now I mainly read comics. My favorite is the Fables series money or brains? Brains are pretty tasty. But so is money do you have a nickname? what is it? Sarah-Bear, m'sis, m'wife how many times have you been to the hospital? Twice but neither for myself. First time was when I visited grandpa during chemo and second was when mom had an appendectomy top 10 favorite songs Not in any specific order; -May I by Tranding Yesterday -Legendary by The Summer Set -Beside You by Marianas Trench -Good to You by Marianas Trench -Face Down by Red Jumpsuit -Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit -Training Wheels by Melanie Martinez -Dearly Departed by Marianas Trench -Follow You by Bring Me the Horizon -Let it Burn by Red do you take any medications daily? Nope what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) Fair what is your biggest fear? Death or loosing my friends how many kids do you want? 3 has always stuck with me whats your go to hair style? Ponytail what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) It's a small condo who is your role model? I don't even know anymore what was the last compliment you received? I don't really know. Hayden and Kacie compliment me all the time what was the last text you sent? I screamed about how I found out on of my favorite characters from Fables died to @alternative-mistakes how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? What do you mean Santa isn't real? what is your dream car? One that won't kill me opinion on smoking? Hate it but pictures of people smoking are really hot? do you go to college? I refuse to go to college honestly what is your dream job? Becoming a famous author would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Suburbs do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? No do you have freckles? I wish I did. I love freckles do you smile for pictures? Not really. I hate my smile. I always try to hide my mouth how many pictures do you have on your phone? 14 because I can't keep photos since I have no storage have you ever peed in the woods? Yes and I almost pissed all over myself do you still watch cartoons? Of course do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? Wendy's Favorite dipping sauce? Ranch what do you wear to bed? Nightgown or a shirt and undies have you ever won a spelling bee? How does one spell what are your hobbies? Writing or playing video games can you draw? Not well do you play an instrument? I want to learn guitar what was the last concert you saw? Panic! At the Disco with Brittany tea or coffee? Neither Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks do you want to get married? Kinda. I don't know. I'll find out when I get there what is your crush’s first and last initial? P & P are you going to change your last name when you get married? Maybe. Probably. I hated the name 'Dye' for such a long time and wanted nothing more than to change it. Now I don't even know what color looks best on you? Purple in my opinion do you miss anyone right now? I miss Hayden and Britt and Kacie tbh. But there's two others who I miss so much more...I just want them back... do you sleep with your door open or closed? Closed do you believe in ghosts? Yes what is your biggest pet peeve? Walking really slow or stopping in the middle of the path last person you called` My mom favorite ice cream flavor? Wild and Reckless Sherbert regular oreos or golden oreos? Regular chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Rainbow sprinkles what shirt are you wearing? It's a Beauty and the Beast nightgown what is your phone background? My lockscreen is Sora and Riku from Kingdom Hearts and my home screen is Peter Pan are you outgoing or shy? Fucking shy. Except at Disneyland I seem more outgoing do you like it when people play with your hair? Yes. Very much yes do you like your neighbors? I use too when @exclamation-point lived next to me. Now I don't even know my neighbors do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? I don't ever take care of my body have you ever been high? No have you ever been drunk? I want to be last thing you ate? Disneyland fudge favorite lyrics right now “Every masterpiece I'd write again You'll always be my porcelain I crossed my heart But I stuttered too So truth or dare Was I good to you Haven't had enough of you all to myself Still right beside you In sickness and health For ever after You will be my home And there's no place like home” summer or winter? Honestly neither. Spring. day or night? I feel more scared in the dark, but I like the dark more dark, milk, or white chocolate? Milk chocolate favorite month? April what is your zodiac sign Aries who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom I think. I had a very bad emotional breakdown because I felt like a burden to my friends. It was a very bad time but my mom wouldn't let me runaway so she comfroted me while I broke down

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