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what-if-nct · 1 year ago

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Heyy I just need to rant if that’s okay. For context I am 17 and so I’m aware that this is probably just silly drama and stuff but I’m still stressed anyways. Also I’m probably going to give people numbers (people in my group of friends) and numbers (people outside my group of friends) as names. Basically, in the past few weeks 4, 6, A and L have become very close and frequently speak but some of us have felt (especially 1, 3 (me) and 5) that it’s been quite excessive and has damaged our group dynamic and things and have excluded some of us at some points. For example, at a sleepover for our group 4 and 6 kept messaging on this groupchat with A and L for ages and talking about their own plans together the next day rather than partaking in the group conversations. I’ve felt a bit uncomfortable at times but when I found out others felt left out an things I wanted to mention this to 4 and 6 before the situation exacerbated. 1 had actually messaged 6 about it but made it seem like 5 and me felt the same way she did but there are slight but still important differences in our feelings regarding the situation. She did not message 4 because she felt that 4 didn’t like her anyways. I bump into 6 who was looking very distressed and said that I was going to text her later on (we were busy at the time and it was a bit sudden). I’ve been close friends with 6 for the longest out of them (around 5-6 years now) and so even though we communicate and take in information differently, we don’t really have many problems in expressing things to each other or fully understanding what we mean (eg they tend to exaggerate things a bit or say some things that appear more important a bit lightheartedly and I’ve learnt to be able to kinda interpret it and get the truth from it). So I didn’t feel too worried about talking to her because I knew we could communicate how we felt, actually listen to each other and not have an argument or breakdown. However, it was a whole different story with 4. I’ve actually had a crush on 4 since September and my feelings did deepen and increase when we became close friends in November but that’s a short amount of time in comparison to 6. They very likely don’t feel the same way towards me and since late December my feelings became less intense but still exist. I felt that it was unfair to only speak to 6 about it and so I messaged 4 but I could not predict their reaction at all or how the conversation would go or what the outcome would be. When I like someone I do tend to become quite anxious, worried about upsetting them and very concerned with their opinion of me which isn’t good but it isn’t as bad as it used to be. This made me very very anxious in this situation (also btw the message was not angry, agressive or passive agressive at all) and I was texted 1 about how anxious I was. Due to being very anxious and crying so much I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t write a response to their response and so I was speaking to 1 and she was trying to help. I usually would not show another person my messages but I literally couldn’t think. 1 did not like 4’s response at all and said to me that it made them frustrated and caused them to question why and what we were even upset over in the first place. I ended responding to 4 explaining some of the misunderstandings in the message and luckily got to sleep. The next day 6 and I were fine and I didn’t really speak to 4 and so was quite worried still. After speaking to my mum, I felt much better and she didn’t see much problem with the message from 4. Although, I did speak to 5 in person and she said that she thought 4 and 6 were gaslighting us. Personally, I’ve felt much better today and yesterday. I’ve felt more comfortable and open and I think 4 is paying more attention to what I’m actually saying (eg in my response to 4 I mentioned that I felt more comfortable at the time saying it over text and I frequently get anxious when talking in person and my words can become jumbled or don’t make sense. I tend to hide this quite well and as we haven’t spoken for a long time, they

hadn’t really noticed this. Those I’ve known for longer are aware of this and so I mentioned this at lunch and I think 4 now understands that). I can also speak to 4 like a normal person again rather than being slightly terrified like I was on Friday. We are fine enough now for us to have a snowball fight and for us to share my scarf to warm our hands so I’m pretty sure we are okay and I’m quite comfortable again. Also, we were comparing our heights today and usually people go back to back in my experience but she went face to face and I haven’t had someone aside from my cat that close to face in years (i haven’t had my first kiss before lolll so I haven’t had someone that close before but neither have they). I still kind of like them and things. It’s a bit sad but as I don’t think they like me I get quite happy and satisfied with very small and insignificant things like them looking at me when there’s no need to do so (like when someone in another direction is talking and I’m just sitting existing) and making eye contact or hand touches and stuff but I should shut up before I get delulu. However, 1 seems a bit uncomfortable still and I got a text from 5 asking me if I agree that 4 and 6 are spending a lot of time together and are deliberately excluding 1 and me out. Like idk what to say because I do agree that they are spending a lot of time with each other and to some extent 1 and I have been excluded but I don’t think it’s deliberate and I don’t want to cause any more problems and disruptions as things for me have calmed down now. 5 is the type of person to interpret things in her own way and not really account for others perceptions and feelings sometimes and she often makes some quite generalised statements. So I don’t know really what to say without causing any further problems. I also have to do this debate thing about Luther being a heretic tmw and I cannot, I am too tired and I’m not prepared but eh. I’m hoping for snow again tmwPart 3… as I was writing that I started thinking that it could seem that 4 and 6 are spending more time together because they like each other but 6 is most definitely interested in someone else (M). And omg I forgot another stressful thing. Right so S is my go to person to rant to, update on everything good and bad, and to talk to about crushes and whatever. She used to go to our school but moved to another when we were changing from secondary school to sixth form. Turns out that she’s potentially been a bit of a bitch to 6. S has been friends with both 6 and I since we were 11/12 and have been in the same group. Apparently S had been taking screenshots of messages from the gc of 6 complaining about her sister (R) who’s about 2 years younger than us and sending the screen shots to R. The complaints aren’t even that bad and is typical for sisters born around the same time (especially if the younger is clearly the favourite of the two). S stopped talking to 6 and so 6 got quite worried and as it was going on for a while and I had less messages from S I texted her asking if she was okay. She was okay and she said that she had spoken to 6. Turns out S told 6 that she left because she couldn’t stand being around her. This is harsh but I mean there shouldn’t be any expectation that our friendship would still remain the same and be eternal. I cannot support S sending screenshots to R and this has made me question things as well (like what if she’s told others about my secrets). As a result I can’t really update her and so I don’t really have an uninvolved person to speak to. S has also been texting 1 and 5 complaining about 6.

Firstly no it isn't dramatic, no matter how old friendship issues are hard and stressful. Your feelings right now are very real and very valid. I'm glad you were able to work it out with 4 it seems like it was just simple misunderstanding through text, it's difficult to convey what you really mean through text tone. Especially when you're nervous so it's great you were able to smooth it over. But it is pretty normal for certain parts of friend groups to have just alone time. It's actually pretty healthy for that to happen so I think as long as they still engage with the group I don't think you all have anything to worry about. Yeah what S did is really weird and 6 cutting them off was the best choice. Same for you because if they're able to do it to someone else in your friend group I understand that concern of what else they could have shared that you told them in confidence. I think being cautious with S is for the best. I really hope everything in your friend group works out well.

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daily-dose-of-imagines · 5 years ago

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𝙼𝚎𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝙰𝚄 𝙷𝚊𝚒𝚔𝚢𝚞𝚞 {𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝑔𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓈𝓉 𝒹𝒾𝓈𝒸𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎}

Here is the second installment of my mermaid au, but this time with nishinoya x mermaid!reader! This is going to be 1/2, so there will be a second part to this!

I hope you enjoy reading this!!

Hinata Shouyou

>Admin 𝕋

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

“Jeez, Asahi, I’m fine, man.”

“Fine!? You’re fine!? You are living on a boat, thousands of miles away and you didn’t tell anybody!” Nishinoya heard Asahi on the other line. He rolled his eyes and chuckled at how worried he was for him.

“Asahi, your dad side is showing. And I am okay, okay? I know I should’ve told you guys, that is on me, but you have to trust me that I am fine.” there was a pause on Asahi’s side of the phone call, then there was an exasperated sigh.

“Fine! Fine, whatever, as long as you are safe, you hear me! And if you don’t call me or Tanaka in the next week or so, I will come find you!” Asahi shouted loudly, making Nishinoya pull the phone away. It went on like that for several seconds until it went quiet. Curious, Nishinoya looked at the screen to see that Asahi hung up on him.

“Wow, so he calls me to see if I’m fine, then just yells at me and hangs up without even saying goodbye?” he said to himself. Shaking his head, Nishinoya put his phone back into his pocket and put his attention back to the ocean. The sea was calm and quiet, and the sky was blue, not a cloud in sight. The sea breeze was warm on his cheeks, caressing him in a loving embrace.

There was a reason for the sudden change of lifestyle.

After getting out of high school, Nishinoya started working as a salaryman for a big corporation, as one does. It was nice at first, all the money he was gaining and the friends he made along the way. But the as the months went by, Nishinoya started to realize something. He wasn’t happy, the long work nights were wearing him down, and his superiors didn’t care if he were to up and die like a fish out of water from working too much. He was disposable and easily replaceable.

Nishinoya knew that he was more valuable than that. Knew he wasn’t some corporate slave to be pushed around. So, he quit his job and used his money that he saved up to buy a boat, that also doubled as a house.

It was the best decision of his life, and he was happy he did it. Looking at the ocean every morning, and not having the to deal with a boss breathing down his neck every day or losing sleep over an unfinished project. Nishinoya loved seeing the beautiful colors the sun would make above the ocean when it was dusk or dawn.

He sat in a chair at the back of the boat, a fishing rod settled next him, the bait in the water. He was waiting for the fish to take a bit out of it, but so far none of them wanted anything to do with it. He was there for three hours, and nothing. Sighing, he got up from his seat and stretched out the achiness in his bones, hearing his back pop. The wind whipped around his face, the scent of salt overwhelming.

Thinking he should grab a drink and wait some more, he started to move to the inside of the boat, but heard splashing nearby. Stopping, he strained his ears to see if it was just his imagination, but there it was again. It sounded frantic, like someone may have been drowning. Thinking of the worst, he quickly walked the side of his boat, where he had his net, forgetting he didn’t wrap it up yesterday.

Grabbing onto the dry part, he pulled with all his might, not expecting for whatever that was caught to be so heavy. But, soon enough, he was able to get all of the netting onto his deck. Nishinoya dropped down along with the net, panting. Blinking, he crawled over to the net, noticing just how big the fish was and while he was unraveling the animal out of the netting, Nishinoya was starting to realize something.

It was an ordinary fish.

It wasn’t even a fish to begin with, it was a freaking mermaid. Mermaid. A mermaid. What? No that couldn’t be right, right? Mermaids don’t even exist, it doesn’t make sense.

But as he continued to stare, the more he knew he couldn’t lie to himself. There was a half fish, half girl right in front of him. Her tail was a shimmering red going down into a darker shed, a maroon color. Her hair was long and (h/c), covering her breasts. And her face looked like she was scared and angry at the same time.

With a shuddering breath, Nishinoya stared and watched as the mermaid pushed away the rope, frustrated that it was tangled with her tail. Nishinoya, not knowing what to really do, got closer to her to help her get untangled, but when she saw him move closer, she hissed at him, showing off sharp teeth. Nishinoya stopped his hand, but didn’t move away, showing her that the boy wasn’t going to harm her.

The mermaid stopped hissing, but continued to glare and monitor him as Nishinoya helped get her tail out. Once she was finally free, they were both still as they sized each other up. “I can’t believe this...” Nishinoya muttered to himself, finally finding his voice.

“Yeah well, as you can see, it’s real. I’m real.” the mermaid said haughtily. Nishinoya gasped and his eyes shot up to her, bewildered.

“You talk?!”

“Yes, I can freaking talk. What, do you think mermaids are uncultured or something?” she retorted, clearly annoyed. She could talk and has an attitude, Nishinoya thought to himself.

“N-no, I was just surprised--wait why am I apologizing, I didn’t even think mermaids existed until like thirty seconds ago! I’m kinda overwhelmed here!” he shouted, getting up from his sitting position. The mermaid watched with crossed arms as he paced around his boat, still trying to process what was going on.

“You seem to be taking this a lot better than most humans.” she commented, her eyes following him. Nishinoya stopped midstep, once again surprised that she could talk his language. With a slow inhale followed by a calming exhale, he sat down again, crossed legged, and faced the mermaid head on.

“How can you speak my language?” he asked, his brows furrowed, trying to not have a breakdown in front of something, no someone, so fantastical. She tilted her head in thought and then sighed.

“I guess it can’t hurt to tell you some of our secrets, seeing as you are being such a good boy,” Nishinoya bristled at that, “we mermaids gain language of various kinds by simply making mouth to mouth contact, and tasting the mouths of the person who speaks that language.” she explained. Nishinoya was a bit confused until it hit him what ‘mouth to mouth’ meant.

“Y-you kiss people? To understand their language?” he repeated in his own words, a light blush across his cheeks. The red tailed mermaid chortled lightly, it sounded something like a laugh and something a dolphin would sound like.

“Yes, you small, adorable human, we kiss them to understand them. Too bad I already know your language, I wouldn’t have minded kissing you.” she smirked at him and watched as he blushed more, unprepared for her sudden pick up line.

“I can’t believe I just got hit on by a mermaid.” he said aloud, causing the mermaid to smile.

“Well, it is one of our most basic traditions. We see a man we think is nice and handsome, then we lure them with a beautiful song and drown them to their deaths.” this caused Nishinoya to look her in the eye with fright, squeezing his hands together. The mermaid laughed fully now, throwing her head back in merth. “I’m just messing with you, we don’t do that anymore.” she watched as he sighed in relief. “Or not.”

“Would you stop doing that! I might have a heart attack here!” he yelled out, glaring, which only made the mermaid laugh more.

“Sorry, sorry, I’ll stop.” she convinced him, leaning back on her hands, flipping her caudal fin up and down, stretching it out in the beating sun.

“You seem to be a little too calm with all of this.” he muttered to her, inching a little closer without her noticing. She eyed him before closing her eyes and soaking in the sunlight.

“I am, aren’t I? I don’t know, I’ve been caught so many times and released so many times. I’m just used to it by now.”

“What do you mean caught and then released?”

“I hypnotize by captures into letting me go. Usually they’re men, so it is quite easy. Men are simple like that.” she explained, side eyeing Nishinoya, giving him a teasing smirk. He pouted.

“I’m not simple.”

“Sure you aren’t. I believe you.” she giggled, obviously teasing him still. Nishinoya huffed out a breath and glanced between the ocean and the mermaid in front of him.

There was a moment of tense silence before he asked, “Do you want to go back into the ocean. So you can maybe, I don’t know, go home? Also why were you even caught in my net? Why were you so close to the shoreline? Why--”

“Calm down, you are asking too many questions, one at at time here.” she told him, putting a webbed hand on his shoulder. He flinched by how cold her hand was, and surprised that she was even touching him to begin with. “One, I don’t have a family; been a loner since I was able to remember how to swim. Two, I don’t really have a home, I go where the waves take me. Three, I was stuck in your net because there are some very bad humans that are searching for me right now, and I thought hiding in your net would be the best pace to hide, though it was pretty stupid of me, I admit.” she explicated.

Nishinoya absorbed every word, not really knowing how to feel about all the information he was given. He raised his knees to his chest, and gazed at the mermaid’s tail again. It was amazing, so amazing. Something right out of a fairy tale. “What are you planning to do then? If you are being tracked.” he asked her.

“I don’t know, maybe I can stay with you?” she voiced halfheartedly, clearly meant to be a joke. But Nishinoya didn’t take it as a joke, not one bit. Having a mermaid on his boat; that would be ludacris, and yet so awesome. He could learn such cool stuff about mermaids. And better yet, he could help her with whatever she is going through.

He liked helping people. Well, she isn’t a person, but close enough.

“I can help you.” he declared. He wanted to laugh at how comical it was to watch her whip her head around to him, nearly falling over in shock at what he just said.

“You know I was only joking, right? We barely know each other, and if you were to help me, then you will surely be in danger too.” the mermaid pointed out.

“Let’s get to know each other then.” he proclaimed, straightening out.

“But--”

“My name is Nishinoya Yuu, what is yours?” he interrupted her, smiling expectantly and waiting for an answer. She was wide eyed and confused by how willing this boy was to help her and understand her. Most of the time, when men catch her in their nets, they wouldn’t ask her questions or ask her for even her name. No, they were more interested in that fact that she was something otherworldly, something they could potentially profit off of. So, this is different for her.

But not unpleasant.

With her chest filled with an unknown warmth and her eyes sparkling like stars in the skies, the young mermaid leaned over slowly and kissed Nishinoya on the cheek. “My human name is (y/n).” she whispered into his ear, causing his whole face to redden, all the way down to his neck.

He was silent for a moment, trying to keep his rapidly beating heart under control, then piped up and said, “Nice to meet you, (y/n).” the mermaid smiled even wider.

“I think, Nishinoya Yuu, we will get along swimmingly.”

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu!!#haikyuu imagines #haikyuu au #nishinoya yuu x reader #nishinoya yuu #yuu x reader #nishinoya x reader #mermaid au #mermaid!reader #reader insert #x reader #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu drabble

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neighbourskid · 5 years ago

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What’s Your Story?

(original date: 30 July 2016)

At ComicCon, two weeks ago, I got this free shirt that says "What's your story?". And now that I've been wearing it, every time I've looked in a mirror or just seen a reflection of myself, I have been wondering, what exactly is my story? Why am I the way I am? What made me like this? Where do I come from, and where do I go to? And I have thought a lot about this, to be honest. But I guess, I just gotta start at the beginning, right?

I am pretty bad with childhood memories. I barely know anything. Everything that I do know, I feel like only knowing because people told me or because I've seen pictures of it. Which honestly bums me out. I am also constantly not sure if things I feel like I actually do remember, aren't just things that I made up at some point. But anyways.

I grew up in a small-ish town in Switzerland. We've lived in other small-ish towns and villages before, but I was definitely too young to remember any of that. There are memories of me feeding my older half-brother, but I am quite sure that I only know this because there's a picture of it. Right now, I'd say my earliest memory is my half-brother (who's autistic by the way) helping my brother and me out of beds we couldn't get out on our own. I know that I know this. I was probably around three or four at the time. Anyways.

My parents got divorced when I was four. Although I have lived with my mom until I moved out this July, I never really connected with her as much as other girls do. Those good mother-daughter relationships you see in movies sometimes? We didn't have that. I was always very focused on the men in my family. My dad was my hero, even though I only saw him every second weekend and on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. But he was my hero. Still is.

My brother was my role model from early childhood on. My mom always says, that I was always okay with everything that he chose to do or have. My brother wanted these pants? Me too. My brother wanted chocolate milk? Me too. Those were my most said words. "Me too."

My mom feared that I would be too dependent on his decisions and never be truly me, because I was okay with doing whatever he did. But I don't think that this is what happened. I just loved my brother. My dad wasn't always there because of the divorce, so my next go-to person was my brother, because I didn't see my mom as a role model or go-to person. We didn't connect like that.

My brother and me, we're 18 months apart. That's a wonderful age gap. It's not too close, but it's also not too far away to get along splendidly.

Of course, one of the reasons why I was always okay with doing/having what my brother did, was because I thought we were the same. As a child, I didn't really get the concept of gender or that there is a real difference between boys and girls. I just knew that some people had other parts than others, but I was like, yeah and? What does it matter?

I just knew that I always liked hanging out with boys more than I did with girls. I had this friend in kindergarten who I always stole Legos with. Then in first grade, I was seated next to a girl with the same last name as me, and we got along and I got to play at her house a lot, but in second grade I was back to being with boys. And I was friends with the same boy until probably fourth grade, then expanded my friend group - to even more boys. And they accepted me. I got to hang out with them, got to play video games with them, played with pokemon cards, played football. It wasn't until probably sixth grade that I actually got girl friends. And even then, my main friend group were still the boys. And I was kinda the "cool girl" because I got to hang out with them.

It was nothing I was striving for, but it happened nonetheless.

I remember that one of my best friends had a crush on me, and I didn't get it. I was oblivious to that. Until I cut my hair in sixth grade, and thus looked more boyish than ever before, and he lost his interest. In retrospect, I should've seen it. But it doesn't really matter anyway.

Then seventh grade came around - new teachers, new class - and I only had four of my old classmates left: two girls who I didn't spend that much time with, the guy who had had a crush on me and another guy who I had often played video games with, but more due to other people than actually him. So in short, four people I wasn't really that good friends with. So I had to find new ones.

As many of you might now, I am an insanely introverted person. Well, at least to new people. People who have known me for a long time often can't believe that I am actually very shy and introverted. But that is that.

I made friends rather quickly, though. Well, at least I think so. I got along well with pretty much everyone, but I mostly spent my time with one or two of the girls. But in the end, I didn't really bond with them that much, because I haven't talked to anyone of them in years. It didn't matter anyway, because I had to repeat 8th grade, and had new classmates anyway. And that is where I made friends, who I still see to this day and am still friends with. I'm even living with one of them! Which is great to be honest.

In the two years I was with those people, I changed a lot. I was always the tomboy, the girl dude. The bro that just so happened to be a girl, but nobody cared. But with those people, I think I finally wasn't the bro friend anymore. I was still the stereotype "cool girl" especially because I wasn't girly (I'm still not) and I didn't give two shits what people thought (still don't). But I got more girlier than before. I dressed less manly, could finally get to like tank tops, skinny jeans, and shorts that didn't cover my knees. Even jewelry! Well rings, mostly.

But I was still me; boyish, reckless, climbing-on-trees-and-falling-down self-destroy-ish.

My dad always wanted a son and a daughter. And that is what he got. I am not the typical daughter, the typical girl. But I have a lot in common with my dad, so I think he got the daughter he wanted, or he came around to accept that I would never be the girly girl. He loves me and I know that.

I know my mom loves me. And that she accepts me for who I am. But I think she always had more issues with me being the way I am, than my dad had. With me being so very boyish. We always fought when buying clothes. Oh, the memories. It was a war.

After ninth grade I went to grammar school. I only knew my friend Angie, but soon enough I got along with pretty much everyone in that class. I think I was still the "cool girl" which got me friends easily. I got along with the girls, I got along with the boys. I think I was good friends with everyone, with some exceptions obviously. I had friends in other classes as well. I wasn't typically popular, mind you, but I am friendly. People get along with me. People tell me I'm funny, trustworthy, loyal, a good friend.

I made a habit of getting along with teachers, too. Mostly teachers I didn't have class with, but still. The class teacher of the one's we had PE with, was one of those teachers. After the first half year, I decided that he was going to be my victim, and so after the skiing camp he became exactly that. I mocked him constantly. After a fantastic incident - I shouted across the school yard that I thought his pink shirt was extremely manly - he asked one of his students who was my friend, if I meant harm or if I was always like that. She told him that this was just who I was, and from that moment on he returned my "bullying". We had a great time. I tried to sell him shoes, he was my go-to person for pain killers, he mocked my headaches, he told me with the biggest smile to "shut the fuck up". We had a great time. I always have one or two teachers like that at every school I go to. My English and German teacher was the other victim. He was a great teacher, and I think he appreciated me as a student. I met him yesterday and he was very pleased to hear that I was going to study English. We had bitch fights in the middle of class. While everyone looked at me like I had death wishes, we had the greatest fun mocking each other. It was great.

I am no teachers pet. I just feel like you need at least one teacher you actually like and have a good relationship with, or else you won't make it through school without constant mental breakdowns.

Anyways. I am rabbit trailing (I would like to personally thank Zachary Levi for adding this word to my vocabulary).

As some of you might know, I am a Christian. Not the "it says on my papers that I am a Christian, so I am one" but actually an active Christian. I go to church. I pray. I believe. I wouldn't call myself religious. I am a person of faith. There's a difference.

Anyways. When I was in second grade, my mom got a job where she had to work shifts. So we got someone where we could go eat, and spend our free afternoons at. They are great people and I'm still friends with them. Their two children are basically my little siblings and I consider their daughter one of my best friends.

These people, this couple, were Christians, and they went to church in our town. I don't know exactly when my mom converted, but I know that we started going to that church, and I made friends for life. When I was twelve or thirteen, there was a baptism service coming up and I told my mom that I wanted that, too.

Usually, it is waaaaay to early to get baptised at twelve or thirteen. Mostly, teens are "allowed" to do so when they're sixteen or eighteen or whatever. But I felt like this was the right thing to do, so I did. And they let me.

Over the course of my life as a person of faith, I have always searched for role models. Someone I could look up to in that aspect of my life. I found a few. The dad of the two girls I live with at the moment was one of them. He was the pastor of our church, is a missionary in Central Africa now. Then there were various people from our church who I looked up to because they just have so much faith and trust. And in 2012 someone new made his way into my line of sight and is now not only a role model as a person of faith, but for life in general. In 2012, through the movie Avengers and through Tom Hiddleston, I discovered Zachary Levi. Who is not only a brother in Christ, but an all around good person in general and just the sweetest guy I have ever had the good fortune of meeting.

Through various interviews and NerdHQ panels, Zac has over and over again inspired me in so many ways. He inspires me to be more kind, to be more gentle, to be more passionate. He inspires me to trust God, to bring important decisions before God. He inspires me so much. Every time NerdHQ comes around again, or every time I just watch panels throughout the year, I get giddy and I'm full of energy to live my dreams, go out and change the world, be the best version of myself.

This year I have had the wonderful opportunity to finally attend NerdHQ and meet Zac for the first time. And he did not disappoint. He was everything I wished him to be. Even better. He gave me something so precious that I feel like this will fuel me for a very long time. With a simple sentence he changed my life more than he already has before. And I am eternally grateful for that.

"What's your story?" Well, my story is still in the first chapters. There's a lot more to come. I've been through things that I wish I hadn't. I lost people very dear to me. I'm still trying to find out some things about me. But there's one thing I know. God will help me write my story. He will be there every step of the way. God will put people in my life that help me figure out who I am, what to do, and where to go. He put Zac and NerdHQ in my life for a reason. And there's no way I am letting that go. Ever.

I told my mom yesterday that I plan to never miss NerdHQ ever again, if I can anyhow avoid it. She said, "that's big talk." But I'm not kidding. I will do everything in my power to never miss the awesomeness that is NerdHQ ever again. Those are four days of granted happiness. Why should I ever wanna miss that again? There are likeminded, amazing people who I wouldn't be able to see anywhere else. They don't live in Switzerland. They live all over America.

My story is about a girl who loves stories. And storytellers. I would love to be one, too. I get inspired every other day by stories I read or hear or see, and I would like to give back. Tell stories to inspire future generations, the way people like Zac have inspired me.

My story is about finding purpose in inspiring others. My story is about being passionate, "loving too much", knowing a shit ton of "fun facts" about movies and books and people I've never met in my life. My story is about me. Your average neighbourhood nerd. The kid next door. The introverted kid who doesn't seem introverted at all, once you get to know them.

So, that is me. What's your story?

#blog post #import from old blog #personal #comic con #sdcc #story time

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linhkcao · 6 years ago

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The moment I realize I can move on

As someone who is not naturally articulate and thus take the comfort (sometimes misery) of holding back thoughts and emotions, I’ve forced myself to record this time, no matter how broken it may end up sounding. What a transitive moment I’m in now, a mental milestone. A deep, great sadness of realization as it may be, I know it’ll help me reach the next level of freedom and self-acceptance. After a chain of exhausting days, I’ve allowed myself to be “officially sick” today. I’m gonna slow down. Thinking about what I’m thinking. Before throwing myself back into the madness of life.

I’m a wallflower to the core. The one that always watch, but never get involved, they say. Or am I? There are many moments where I was absolutely expressive and cheerful, like I’m living the time of my life. And I share that positive vibe to everyone I interact with. But there is no expected pattern of how and when that more attractive version of me show up. Recent recall was a couple weeks ago when “she” came to the rescue at an interview and secured me a job offer, I walked out of the building with an impression of “what the heck just happened? Was that me?!”. The thrilled joy, though, is short-lived. As I quickly realize that the worse-in-nearly-all-aspects version now will have to figure out how to meet high expectations from both myself and other people, built by “her”. It’s like “BOOM!!! Surprise biatch~ just saved you clumsy nerd from an awkward situation, congratulations we made it and now YOU take care of the rest! buh byeee~” every time.

Among expectations built, many I’m still fighting for, and for some I realized it’s time to give up for good. And you guess right, the tone is set up for the latter. The record of yesterday events in sequence, though not and end-to-end story, is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Here it goes...

I woke up with an annoying headache from a shortage of sleep as usual, rushed to the Turtle lake and took the school bus to Binh Duong, the place I would only travel to when I have to. It was kinda my favorite moment of a day though. I would always end up at the most front seat on the the right. Settled down. Eyes half-closed. The squeezing feeling all over my head and in the back of my eyes starts to soften thanks to the blend of gentle air-con wind and early morning sunlight, a cleanliness of smell, and my chill love song playlist aka the sleeping therapy. It is opposed to travelling by bike or taxi, now I actually hope the distance was longer! Normally that could be enough extra energy charged for me to survive a normal day at school. But yesterday was no ordinary day. I had no lectures but instead a group project in which we were struggling with an unfamiliar software. I was in charge of running the software while the other two did the writings. Just the night before I felt like a loser and almost gave up, but as the next morning, sitting down with the team, we gradually figured out everything. I felt so relieved. Perhaps it was not difficult after all. Maybe I was just freaked out with something I’m not used to and assume it's unsolvable.

Midday time, accompanied by the brutal sun, is when my tension headache gets at its worse. I skipped lunch and walked some heavy steps to the first-aid office, only to find it was being locked. Right, the lady must've been having lunch. Lying down at the feather chair in front, I pretended to get absorbed into my Iphone like a normal youngster nowadays instead of staring into nowhere and letting out my fatigue like a depressed person. Crazy how I still cared about what other people think even when it felt like my body was about to give out! And there she came from afar, the first aid staff lady; I turned my head and gave her the “I was waiting for you” smile (most honest smile ever), and she returned the “You’ll be okay now kiddo” smile. The first aid office is where I often come to take a nap after a test, or anytime I’m about the “shut down”. I call it VGU 5 star hotel.

The nap didn’t go well as I hoped, still I had to get up for the mini concert rehearsal, and apparently there are other people like me who are waiting to get their battery charged too (there are only 2 beds). The rehearsal was smooth, was no stress, and eventually better than the actual performance (what a shock). But then came the freaking rain. I blamed it for my bad mood, for my guitarist’s bike’s breakdown. And as we was just starting to come back to Saigon, his bike even had a flat tire. This is it, I thought, can’t get any worse!

I appreciate that my friend was very patient handling the situation, he was searching for mobile repairers and called each one of them. So I was resolved not to show any impatience although I was burning inside, the unfinished project still awaits me at home and seriously I was so desperate for some real sleep so I could make it to class for the presentation. I told him that I’d wait on the pavement to relieve the weight so he could go fixe his bike then come back afterwards. 30 minutes passed by... It was dark and remote as hell, and the last open restaurant which I sat nearby may close very soon. I made up my mind that I couldn't take a taxi or grab bike alone with such a far distance at this time of the day, so my only hope was that the guitarist friend woud have no further trouble and come back pick me up soon. My bestie even asked for the location details, in case I get kidnapped she could know how to report to the police lmao. And my professor was very worrying; she asked why I didn’t just simply stay in the dorm overnight...

Then it strike me how much I wanted to go back to Saigon, nearly at all costs. Even just for another 4-hour sleep then going to Binh Duong again, even when it’s super late and rainy. Am I crazy? I didn't care about rationality. I just wanted to go back.

But the actual turning point goes back to the concert, held at BD Conference & Exhibition center. It was prepared with dedication, passion, hard work, and joy, by tons of members from 2 biggest clubs in VGU. I’m thankful to be a small link in the whole chain.

The vocal quality as well as songs selection this year was really amazing. I sang “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran with anh Nguyen, the guitarist mentioned above. And although the performance was far from being perfect, I heard from several friends that they enjoyed it “beautiful singing”, “u still lit”, “it made me happy”, they even recorded and sent me... And trust me, I’m only glad because I could make some of the audiences happy, it was the only consolation at the end of the day. I personally and honestly didn’t understand those compliments, nor did I feel anything about the song, about the fact that I was a part of this concert. I came onto the stage, the extreme light beamed at us and all I could see are black-colored audiences. I didn’t see their faces, I didn’t have a clue how they were feeling. Were they bored or satisfied? It’s not about what the answer is, it’s about me having absolutely no belief in my performance. It was all acting, no emotions. Why can I say so, because I know what is like to “have belief” while singing. it’s when you just sing your hearts out and don’t give a damn on how the audience look like because you know they’re feeling with you, you don’t need to make sure by checking their facial expression and guessing if they’re satisfied or not.

I always talk to myself, no matter what bad things happen during the day, if at the end of the day when I lie down and about to sleep, I feel good, then it means I’ve had a good day. It was the same expectation towards the concert. I was hoping it could be a happy, memorable ending to my 4 boring years at VGU.

I know for sure there are many students like me at VGU who don’t feel any connection to the school nor other people at the campus. I’m not alone. But instead of being cool about it like many could do (you just simple seek another environment where you fit in), I was freak out. I was longing for the sense of belonging to this university, after I made a tough choice to leave home, leaving a mess behind me and move forward, I was an excited fresh who wanted VGU to be a happy, inspiring part of my youth. At the same time, I was all by myself. My brother was at the time struggling with his own marriage. Vi Anh is in Hanoi and we only chatted once in a while. My is in Japan, for years we nearly had no contact and I thought at some point I must let her go... Doug and Nhi went to BYU and I thought I might lose them as well... Other close friends were also away. I was lonely, i was desperate, i was ashamed.

For the record, there was an only truly happy and long lasting moment relating to VGU. It was the trip to Binh Lap with anh Quan, anh Huy, and Thien Tam. If you guys ever come across this note, I wanna thank you. It was the best thing happened to me during my VGU years.

This fourth year has been mind-blowing to me. I skipped the first semester to stay in Saigon for a part time job. And in the second semester I travel between 2 places. And suddenly I’m not a wallflower here in Saigon. For the first time in so many years, I don’t just watch, I am actively involved. For the first time in many years, the better version I talked about in the beginning and I, become one. I plan out my life, learn new things by my choice, meet new people and, many of them I make great friends, we exchange information and experiences, we help each other growth professionally and as a person. And above all things, My has decided to come back to Vietnam, and I realized after all the lost years, we still get each other's back. We reunited the gang along with Vi Anh and it was full of laughter. Many other friends have also recontacted and so it happened that we still exist in each other's life.

I love Saigon, for that it has been sweet and healing to me. I feel a sense of belonging, of living not just surviving. I guess the only reason for me to insist not staying overnight in Binh Duong was that after so many troubles, the fact that I could be back to the city for just a few hours sleeping, makes me feel safe, like “I’m at home at last”.

Of course, I didn’t get over VGU or Binh Duong easily. I wept out like a little girl but knew it was a “letting go” kind of crying. You know when you wish so much that things would work out between you and that person, it takes a while for you to accept that you’re not meant to be and you can move on and still live happily. Last night was the end to all my unrealistic hope. I felt absolutely nothing. No fun, no connection with the people, the atmosphere there. As soon as I finished the performance, I sneaked out into a dark conference room, playing with my phone while waiting for my friend to drive me back to Saigon.

I’m happy for those young and fun people I saw yesterday who has found themselves there, congrats to you, you will be like a close friend of mine who left VGU and his friends with tears of farewell. It’s also nice for me to be assured that people like me could still build beautiful memories elsewhere and be happy. In the end, we’re the only negative force of ourselves, no one can force us to do things we don’t want to.

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thelunarbond · 6 years ago

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OC questions time with Phoenix

A few days ago I reblogged this post with some questions to help with characterisation, and I wanted to write it out here with Phoenix as he’s my main oc! Here we go...

1) On a scale of “is occasionally forced to bathe” to “Instagram model with sponsors to hoe for” how involved is your OC’s Skincare routine?

Phoenix hates showering, especially when his anxiety is high. He still does it as often as possible, and he uses moisturiser and proper face wash, and that’s about it. He still barely grows facial hair despite the fact that he’s 19 years old. The rest of the Lunar Bond get jealous of him because he rarely gets acne or rough skin and he doesn’t even try

2) What are your OC’s food preferences (flavors/textures/spiciness/calories/ when and how they eat) and how did they get that way?

Phoenix is the least fussy eater ever and will eat almost anything. However, his preference is crunchy foods and/or spicy food. He doesn’t really have a preference with calories. He’s not very good at self care, so Phoenix’s diet normally consists of cereal and cup noodles for virtually every meal, as he never remembers to feed himself or remembers to buy food in the first place. (He might occasionally sneak out of bed to eat some shredded cheese at 5am too)

3) What’s something pointless/petty/unimportant that IRRATIONALLY ANNOYS THE HELL out of your OC?

Anything vaguely unsatisfying. Things such as when people cut wrapping paper and it rips, or when people draw with a ruler and it goes loose so the line isn’t straight, things like that. (Side note: Phoenix definitely watches satisfying compilations or soap cutting videos on YouTube)

4) What’s your OC’s response to being asked for money by a homeless person?

Fear, as he never carries cash or change on him (when he has money at all). He puts all his money on his bank card, and he knows he can’t transfer it to the homeless person. He gets scared that it would lead to the homeless person being angry or upset with him. And he feels bad that he could have done something to help someone

5) Does your OC get lost easily? What do they do when they do get lost?

Phoenix doesn’t get lost very easily as he never goes to places he hasn’t been to before. However, when he moved from the countryside to Westerlyn City he got lost all the time, and his response is a lot of fear (and probably a panic attack). When he would get lost he’d rely on his phone for directions and hope he wasn’t going to be lost forever

6) What would STOP your OC from Doing The Right Thing in a tense situation?

Answered here!

7) Realistically, could your OC (in their normal circumstances- i.e. at their own house/battlecamp/spaceship etc.) keep a small child alive for a week if they had to? A Dog? A Houseplant? A rock with a smiley face painted on?

Phoenix has been taking care of his little brother for years up until recently. He’s incredibly good at caring for other people or pets and making sure they are well, but he isn’t very good at looking after himself (probably because he’s too distracted while thinking about the other person/animal etc). He also has multiple houseplants in his home that are thriving

8) If your OC had to take the S.A.T. tomorrow with one night to prep, how would they do? both emotionally and academically.

Academically, Phoenix would do amazingly well. He has the highest IQ out of anyone in the Lunar Bond; he picks up information very quickly and is good at retaining it. His emotional well-being in that situation is a whole other story. Phoenix doesn’t believe he’s very good at anything. And he doesn’t think he’s particularly clever, no matter how many high test scores he gets. He would spend all night drinking energy drinks and studying, and freaking out that he’s going to fail and everyone’s going to be disappointed in him. He’d probably also be a big puddle of anxiety on the day of the test as well

9) What would cause your OC to chose to do something petty/pointlessly cruel?

Nothing. Phoenix is terrified of upsetting or angering people. No matter how many cruel or petty pranks are pulled on him, he doesn’t lash out as he’s scared of having an argument. If it’s constant, he might eventually yell at the person in question that what they’re doing is unfair, but it takes a lot to reach that point

10) On a scale of “Complete and Justified nervous breakdown” to “Conquer The Entire Galaxy and become an Immortal God-Emperor”, how well would your OC handle being abducted by Aliens?

Very very badly. He would have a total mental breakdown. He’d spend the whole time thinking he was going to die

11) What song is 100% guaranteed to get your OC beyond turnt and will be sung loudly and embarrassingly, either in public or the shower?

Pompeii by Bastille. Phoenix loves songs that he can sing along loudly to and are still calming in nature. He doesn’t really like “thumping” songs, such as songs with heavy bass or techno songs, as he thinks they’re too noisy. But he’d 100% sing along with a song like Pompeii in the shower at least (probably not in public though)

12) What perfectly-normal-to-them-thing does your OC do that confuses/pisses off/terrifies their neighbours?

He doesn’t really do anything that would piss them off as he’s scared of being confronted, but they would be confused by the fact that he leaves and goes back into his house constantly before he goes out to buy groceries. He’ll open the door, take about 2 steps outside and then go back in and stay there for another 10 minutes, still wearing his coat. He’ll leave the house again and walk to the end of the street and walk back, shut the door and not come out for 20 minutes, and it continues like that. To Phoenix, it’s his normal routine as he’s not sure if he’s too anxious to go into a store and buy groceries. In the end, after leaving and going back into his house about 5 or 6 times he’ll order his groceries online, and leave his neighbours very confused

13) Under what circumstances would your OC appear naked in public?

Only if it was life or death. If going naked in public would save his life or someone close to him he’d do it. But nothing else would make him do something like that

14) What thing did your OC’s parents do that your OC wishes they had a better explanation for?

This question is kinda confusing and I honestly don’t know how to answer it, sorry😅

15) How often does your OC “zone out” or do things on autopilot and how severe have the problems that have arisen from that been?

He zones out all the time. Multiple times a day he’ll start daydreaming, and something he does on autopilot is make cups of tea. The amount of times he’s nearly died as a result of his daydreaming is unreal. He still doesn’t stop his daydreaming while he’s in public, no matter how many times this has happened. His autopilot tea making has resulted in multiple occasions of him finding random cups of tea of different flavours around his house that he’s made, taken one sip out of, and left to go cold somewhere

16) How strong or weak is your OC’s Impulse control? What’s the worst thing that happened because of their Impulsivity or inability to be so?

Answered here!

17) How does your OC sabotage themselves?

A better question for Phoenix would be how he doesn’t sabotage himself. He’s the worst at self care, he’s never told someone he’s had a crush on that he loves them, trouble constantly seems to seek him out... someone help him

18) What’s the trashiest item in your OC’s wardrobe, when was the last time they wore it and why do they still have it?

Phoenix doesn’t really own embarrassing clothes but the trashiest thing he owns is an ancient oversized shirt that he’s had for many years; he lounges around the house in it (and sometimes wears it to the store when he occasionally braves the store). It’s covered in holes, stains and rips, the print is completely cracked and peeling and it’s about 4 sizes too big. And the last time Phoenix wore it was yesterday, because he refuses to throw it away (he claims he’s had it too long to throw it away)

19) How Dehydrated is your OC right now? Are they going to fix this?

How hydrating is tea? Because he hasn’t had a glass of water for about 6 hours but he’s had 4 cups of tea and he’s making himself another one

20) What’s your OC smell like? no, not that “Vanilla and Anxiety” evocative stuff, realistically. Body odour? what have they been touching all day? When was their last shower? Did they put on any kind of artificial scent?

Phoenix’s last shower was yesterday, so the smell of his body wash has faded a little. It’s scented like lemon and tea tree, and he still smells like it a little bit. Perfumes or aftershaves irritate his skin so he doesn’t wear them. His fingers smell like the pages of the second hand adventure books he’s been reading all day. The smell of the scented candles he has also lingers on him a little, and they’re scented like black cherry

#lunar bond #oc questions

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lostsolsdestinyblog · 7 years ago

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What even is Destiny 2 PvP scoring?

So we’ve just been through another Iron banner week; one with quite a few changes to both aesthetic as well as rules and it has just left me contemplating the entire nature of D2 PvP and how it is played and scored.

We don’t have to rehash all the drama of the SB/CBMM debate, but I think it’s safe to acknowledge that things were not on the firmest ground there. We also know that Forsaken is only two weeks away and that will have a huge impact on how we experience the game. All that said, I’m still sitting here this morning just scratching my head at exactly why D2 PvP works the way it does.

There are many layers to this that go back to D1 design decisions and rather than evolving in D2, there seems to be more regression than anything and I’m not sure why. The first thing that has been really odd from the launch of D1 has been stat-tracking. When Bungie made Halo, we had access to such a wealth of post game statistics on bungie.net. It wasn’t just kills, deaths and assists. We had statistics for who we killed most within a match or killed us, what weapons we died to, heat maps for every kill and death within a match or on a particular map.

When Destiny released, it’s post game stat tracking was spartan by comparison. We had access to win, losses, kills and deaths, but not much more. Now we could go to sites like destinytracker to find out more detailed information on what weapons we killed most with, statistics on number of zone neutralizations and caps, etc, but still nothing to the scope of Halo and all pulled from bnet API.

I can understand that maybe all the stat tracking that existed was a heavy upkeep within the bnet framework and therefore works out well for it to be outsourced to community willing to take that on; and for the most part bnet gave enough relevant info in D1 to get by, but D2 has even less information. While D1 at least let us track our k/d by gametype over the last week, 30 days or all time, D2 simply lets us see match results.

Where is gets even more odd is what those results show. This is a clash match I played on August 5th and take note of the over all score vs the opponents defeated.

In a 99-97 loss we somehow defeated 157 opponents to 141 for the winning team... In Clash.

Here is the individual breakdown for the match which makes for great post-game screen shots of high kill games, except for the fact that the numbers aren’t real or representative of actual individual kills.

I sort of understand why Bungie decided to go away from k/d tracking and moving to kd/a in D2. They were trying to make the game more player friendly for everyone and kd/a numbers look nicer, but again the numbers aren’t really relevant to much and don’t really give a player an accurate assessment of their overall skill level. We are also seeing all these 40, 50 and 60 kill games popping up since the switch to 6v6 and while Control does track actual individual kills per game, anything coming out of Clash is meaningless.

The picture above shows I defeated 25 opponents. I had a good game, woo hoo! Except that the only real kills I can count are 2 super and 1 grenade. I have no idea how many actual weapon kills I got since assists count in opponents defeated. So yeah, it doesn’t really make any sense what we are being shown or why. In Halo I could go to the post match statistics and see where my game was lacking and where I was doing well. I get literally nothing out of stats post-match in D2.

Another problem with the lack of meaningful statistics is in balancing the game and player complaints. I read all the time that the only weapons players are dying to are Graviton, Vigilance or whatever the flavor of a particular week or month is. I personally despise the kill feed as it stands with no followup post-match stats. The information is there and I can see all the different weapons in the feed and how little I actually die to the metas, but there is no way to show that outside of the kill feed because outside of the studio those numbers don’t exist.

This leads to players seeing a particular weapon kill them in the feed and it stands out because they know it’s popular. They’re dying to other things as well, but God damn that Graviton when it’s in the feed. This was HEAVILY exacerbated by the introduction of Trials in D1 because in 3v3 Elimination, if a team or teams use one particular weapon and that’s the only thing you die to each round due to the format, it makes it seem op or overused, but that has zero transition to the entirety of the rest of PvP.

I don’t expect to ever have a level of information available that Halo offered, but what we have now just isn’t good enough and needs to be better and not only more substantial, but relevant as well. Also I would like to give a bit of thought once more to scoring overall in the context of D2 Control.

As I have stated in previous posts, I understand why the rule changes were made that started with zones capped and eliminated having to first neutralize in D2 since it was going 4v4. Ultimately that decision played a big factor in supporting the heavy team-shooting and fireteam advatage play in D2. It made zones disposable because they were too easy to cap and too difficult to defend. So we got the merry-go-round (thank you PBRbaby on bnet for that perfect descriptor) play that is D2 with teams just stacking up and running zone to zone capping. The other side effect of this has been the unending spawn flipping and by proxy this has fed into the problems D2 has had with bad spawning and getting spawn killed.

Iron Banner made the changes that allowed zones to be locked on powerplays and then reset and ultimately it just magnified the need to stay grouped and blitz around to zones, especially since a group could cap faster and even if a player or two were contesting one of their zones, they could still lock by capping first. The fact that you can be 1% away from taking an enemy zone and still get locked out is broken in my opinion. I like what Bungie were attempting overall with the IB changes and it did give it a unique feel and aesthetic, but ultimately I don’t think it led to a plethora of great matches or particularly rewarding play.

This is a game my team won yesterday as I solo queued.

We won by 20 points but the opposing team had 44 more kills than us (and these are actual kills, not Clash’s inflated numbers factoring assists). I get it’s Control and we held the zones, but that is a HUGE discrepancy. It is also worth noting that outside of the actual post match screen, there is no place to see who capped zones. That seems like it should kinda be a thing for Control stat tracking.

That was a good match for my team, but I can’t imagine very satisfying for the opponents and underscores how frustrating D2 can be trying to rely on random teammates with no real communication. I would love to know the average number of caps per match for winning teams in D2 vs D1. I know it is much higher and I’m willing to bet by as much as 60% per match.That means there is even more of a premium on playing as a team in D2 which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but doesn’t seem to be all that popular when you see all the complaints of how tilted D2 is against solo/small team players.

D1 Control allowed solo players to have more of an impact on play both is attacking and particularly in defending. When opponents had to first neutralize, it meant capping was riskier and necessitated more players on a zone to try to cap faster. This allowed for solo players to be able to make more big plays as the other team risked capturing.

And finally I’ll close with this screenshot and link to the twitter post from @smcglauser https://twitter.com/smcglauser/status/1031391308764536834

When results like this are even possible, something is just broken.

#Destiny2 #lost sols #iron banner

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dear--mia · 7 years ago

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Yeah

Since this summer, about August, I’ve had plans to reach out to the counseling center on my school’s campus. I kept making plans to, but the would bail and be like “the timing isn’t right, I’ll do it later” and it wasn’t even like I was avoiding it bc of my ed or anything, I was just like, later. I mean, I probably subconsciously didn’t want to get help bc them I wouldn’t have an excuse if I relapsed but still. I’ve gone back to here a few times since then, fasting ad restricting for a bit, but then will have a normal diet again. But since about September, everything has been way worse.

I’ve been having massive anxiety attacks out of no where, and I’ll get really sad and all this crap. There was one night I was going to a party with my friends and for some reason right before I left to get ready at my friend’s house, I just got so overwhelmed and started crying. I ended up making it to her house but then I broke down again.

Things were okay. I had a lot of moments when I felt sad and would want to just go home, but any time I was out with friends I would just slap on a smile and pretend I was fine. No one really noticed so that was nice, but I definitely noticed my happiness becoming more and more fake.

I had a formal event for my sorority the other night. It was on Friday and I have classes Friday until 2. My friend who I made pregame plans with was like “okay, lets try to be ready super early so we can take pictures outside before the sun goes down” bc of course, it’s November and the sun goes down at like 5. And I was just like okay I’ll try but that might be hard. Basically, I didn’t even start getting ready until like 4:30 cus I had so much other shit to do. I felt off all day but just kept ignoring it and then I picked up my dress from the dry-cleaners and I was a little frustrated bc it wasn’t my ideal dress but I got it so last minute that I didn’t really have a choice. So yeah, got to my friends to get ready and already was pissed off.

I end up doing like half of my makeup, getting frustrated, kept looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I saw, so I had a breakdown. I had one at like 5:15, then my friend tried to help and I got frustrated again so I crying again, but then I calmed down enough to like fix everything. I was pretty much done but then I tried to fix part of my makeup but I honestly just looked at myself and was so frustrated that nothing was going right (bc every time I tried to fix some part of my makeup or something, something else would fuck up.) And I just hated how I looked and how I was so excited for this event but everything was fucking up so I just broke down. And it was one of those where you watch every part of you crumble. My face just fell and I lost it. I cried for a while and then got my shit back together. I felt really bad bc my friends kept trying to talk to me and I kinda yelled at one of them like twice. I didn’t mean for it to come out how it did, I honestly thought I would be able to control my voice/tone, and I intended on just saying whatever it was, but I ended up yelling and it came out so rude.

But anyway, we finally left and my makeup was definitely not as good as I had wanted but I just sorta had to deal. I brought a bottle of vodka with me and my friends and I drank in our car before leaving with our big group on a bus and I ended up finishing half of the bottle in about 20 minutes. Sooo I pretty much got trashed way too fast. But I was happy. I was ignoring everything that was wrong and actually put in a lot of effort to be happy and enjoy myself. So my sorority got onto the buses and I was fortunate enough to get a seat, and everything was great, but then we were like half way to the venue and I started crying again. It just hit me. I don’t even know what triggered it but I just got so upset and couldn’t stop.

I stopped enough once we got to the venue to check in, but then I went to the bathroom and just had a complete breakdown. All of these people were staring at me and asking if I was okay and it was so embarrassing. I tried to collect myself enough to get some food but that didn’t last long. So I went back to the bathroom and my friend’s were like “srsly dude we can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s going on” and I guess I felt bad for leaving them in the dark and I was pretty drunk, plus I really needed to say it, so I told them that my ed was coming back and in the past few weeks I’ve thought about killing myself like 3 or 4 times. I like collapsed into my friends arms at the end, and I just felt like I couldn’t breath. It was so awful. I ended up going home and all these people kept coming up to me while I waited for my ride. People I didn’t even know. It was so embarrassing.

The next day I felt so weird bc that was the first time I ever had such a public breakdown. So many people saw. A couple asked me what was going on the next day, but I just said I was fine.

I told my one friend I was going to make an appointment with the counseling center on Monday. A part of me thinks I kinda have to bc I have been putting it off for far too long and Friday night just proved that this shit doesn’t just go away. I used to have more control over it but I think that’s bc it was full force. Like I was purging and restricting, but at this point I’ve been ignoring it and trying to just eat normally while hating myself. Essentially, I don’t have any control over the situation and it just took over. Say fuck you, this is happening. I literally could not stop crying, it was horrible.

But, at the same time, I really don’t want to go. I want to start this “diet” again and I’m nervous that if I seek help, I’ll actually get better, but probably for only a temporary amount of time, making me hate myself even more later for being so stupid. I don’t know.

OH and this is not as related, but so I’ve sorta become friends with this dude right? We sometimes talk in person, but for some reason we snap chat all the time. But so him, myself, my really good friend, and a couple other of his fraternity brothers sit together at lunch like twice a week so we’re all familiar with each other. But so he snapchatted me a few weeks ago asking if my friend would be his date to his fraternities formal. I asked her and she said she would go, but only if I went too, So basically, this kid needs to find me a date to their formal. So yesterday, the day after my breakdown, he asked me if my friend was still going with him, and I said yeah, as long as he found me a date. (the deal was also with another one of our friends, too. So this kid had to find a date for me and one other girl, but she’s not as close as me and the girl the dude wants to take) but so then he goes “hmm, maybe I should look for another date” I was like woooooow. But so I just said “lol ok” and he goes “I don’t really know your friend that well anyway” I was honestly amazed. That was just sorta the icing on the cake. Like I know a lot of his brothers, am friends with majority of them. And guys typically don’t want to take girls they are just friends with to formals bc they’d rather take girls they’re interested in or whatever, but usually if they aren’t talking to a girl, they’ll just take a friend. But this guy asked their group and hasn’t gotten any answers. So basically no one wants to take me. And while I don’t know for a fact why, it’s really fucking hard not to assume it’s because I’m so fucking fat and gross and ugly. If I were skinnier and prettier I’m sure someone would be like yeah, for sure. But no. They all would rather go alone then take me. Feels fucking awful.

I’ve been having a lot of urges to kill myself again but every time, I think “no, I have to be skinny first”

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idealisticrealism · 8 years ago

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Blindspot recap 2x18

(Aka the one where Roman gets to go on another excursion, Weitz wants to date literally the entire team except for maybe Patterson bc he’s intimidated by her brains, Reade is Touched By An Angel, and Nas falls on her sword for reasons which will probably never become entirely clear to anyone)

Okay, yes, I am the world’s worst procrastinator, and so am only just managing to get this posted now despite the three-week break. Tbh I intended to do it a couple of days ago, but then ended up getting distracted doing some writing of a different kind (stay tuned for that one very shortly!) and as such ended up with very little time for this-- hence why it’s a little shorter and kinda all over the place lol. But anyhow, if you were wanting a refresher on last ep before the new one tonight, you’ve come to the right place haha.

Enjoy.

Okay I'm confused by this very large number of phenotypically-diverse children in one house. Also this blonde lady looks suspicious. Oh no and now the shouting girl is dead... after jumping from the second floor onto dirt? It would be unusual to die from that kind of injury, especially as a young person with strong bones, though it‘s certainly within the realm of possibility, depending on the type of impact. Also it's times like this that I'm reminded that both this show and I are kinda grim haha

Naaawwwww look at the Mayhem Twins in their little domestic bubble. Jane's so excited about her new 'bring your little bro to work' sitch and Roman is all *grumble grumble emo teen* about it, which lbr is pretty fair, but like Jane says, ‘freedom is something you have to earn’. Just bc you can't remember all the bad things you've done, doesn't mean everyone else can just forget it too, buddy! And considering you were literally the enemy not too long ago, it’s actually pretty impressive how much the team has let you in and treated you kindly. If anything demonstrates that the team (*cough* especially Weller *cough*) truly loves Jane, this is it. So be nice to your sister, bucko, because she's the reason that you actually have a chance at living a normal life for literally the first time ever. Sigh, my poor little battered babies. Why must you suffer so much and be hugged so little. Also well done makeup team on remembering to keep Jane's face bruised haha

Lol I love this scene, bc now without Reade, the team consists of poor beleaguered Weller and four badass (and currently rather displeased) ladies. The varied responses to Weitz’s inquisition are hilarious though-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง , Zapata is all eye-rolls and being so done with this shit, Nas is already planning and scheming and looking at it from all angles, and Jane is there solely to support Weller and get his support in return, bc MARRIEEEEDDDD. And ugh Weller is such a good leader and reassures them all and then ugh he and Zapata having that little moment of worry over Reade and ugh my babiessss

Speaking of Reade, he’s apparently busted both his face and his phone lol. He's also in a very weird hospital room; like this is a huge space for only two beds. I wonder who found him though? Also given his recent expensive habits, can he even afford the price of medical care?? If he was here in Aus, it'd be free, but in the States??? Good luck, bro...

Naww the team is soldiering on, with Patterson telling them about a new tattoo to check out-- a tattoo with numbers somehow linked to the girl that died. As usual, Patterson's explanation of just how that happened went in one ear and right out the other, for both me and the team, it seems. Oops. But ugh poor Jane looks a little bit sick at the thought of the girl's death being linked with her tattoos-- it must be so hard sometimes, to be covered in (what is sometimes the equivalent to) people's death sentences? Seriously Weller needs to hurry up and kiss all of those tattoos and remind her that in carrying them, she helps the team save people. Ugh, that woman just really needs a good long hug.

Oh and look who it is, the ADA that everybody loves to hate. Gotta say, I still kinda ship him with Zapata a little bit. Like, in a 'hate each other so much they occasionally meet up and have angry sex' kinda way. But then again I kinda ship her with Roman, but then kinda also don't at the same time... Idk, imagining her and Roman kissing would be a little weird. Like he's just such a lil puppy and she's all wildcat. But aaaaanyway, ooooohhhh I love Weller's teeny tiny eye-twitch when Weitz mentions Jane. It's like turning his Protective Hubby mode onto vibrate-- none of the big loud shouty anger, just a subtle 'come near her and I will end you' vibe that radiates through him lol. I dig it. Apparently Weitz has no sense of self-preservation though, so not only threatens them all with suspension, but also steps directly in Weller's way, AND refers to Patterson as a lab rat. Oh boy. I'm so proud of our Weller though, clearly he's been working on his anger management haha. Plus, he totally just won that round and Weitz knows it.

Dude they totally wouldn't be letting bystanders that close if the body was still right there. But whatevs. Also I like Weller's boots. And now oooh all the kids and the foster mom have disappeared, whatever could have happened....

Ughhh I love that Weller, Nas and Jane are all blatantly watching Patterson being interviewed, and Weller's all casual about it like 'yeah she's tough she's got this', but you just KNOW that if Patterson looked to be in any distress at all, Weller would be storming through those doors in a fury, with Nas following behind ready to provide some kind of excuse, whereas Jane would have slipped quietly away and set off the fire alarm or something before shimmying through the vents and dropping down into the room behind Weitz's guys, basically forming a pincer-maneuver with Weller, ready to kick the crap out of anyone that dares upset their lil Patterson. Of course Zapata would be flying in there right beside Weller (except when he would put himself in front of Patterson, she'd just launch straight at Weitz lol) but she's not present in the equation rn. Oh but here she is now, actually, with a lead-- she's found streetcam footage of the teenage boy from the foster-house. If they can find him, maybe they can solve the whole mystery and save the other kids.

Ughhhhh speaking of Patterson and Weitz, he's grilling her about Borden, and ugh my baby is being so tough and not taking any of his shit and for once I feel kinda grateful for that slimy weasel Fisher bc at least he gave her good practice for dealing with scumbags like this? Ugh I know my baby had somewhat of a breakdown in last ep (I wonder if she's cleaned her apartment up at all after that) but she really seems kinda... battle-hardened... now. Which makes me sad, but at the same time, we know that Jane has been through a whole ton of awful crap and she's still a little cinnamon roll despite it, so I have high hopes for Patterson to do the same. Especially with Jane there to help mentor her through it.

Oooh the Power Trio (by which I mean Jeller and their sidekick, Nas) are in Weller's office, and lbr this is very much a scene about a married couple having a debate, with Nas hanging in the background trying to be unobtrusive haha. I love that Jane was just reminding Roman this morning that these things take time-- but the first chance she gets she goes to hubby and is like 'let's put him on the team' haha. And lbr here, Weller puts up a half-assed argument purely for appearances’ sake. We know he's going to allow it, bc he's whipped a caring and supportive hubby and he wants the woman he loves to be happy. And also he wants Roman to be redeemed, bc if there's hope for Roman then there's hope for them all. He makes an excellent point that today is literally THE WORST day to be thinking about doing this-- literally a single thing goes wrong out there, even something that's not at all Roman's fault, and Weitz is going to be all over their asses. The dude's just waiting for an excuse, and letting a 'known terrorist' (sorry puppy, you know I don't mean that) out on a case is bound to be exactly the kind of thing he's after. But who cares, those are all far too sensible and logical things to be worrying about. Nas, surprisingly, has done a 180 from her shared opinion with Dr Sun that Roman is a monster, and encourages Weller to let him out in the field. Is she deliberately doing that to try to get them to play right into Weitz's hands, or is she just doing it bc she knows Weller's going to give in anyway and so she adds her support, letting Weller pretend he's been 'out-voted' (despite him being the highest-ranking person in the room) rather than actually just being the big marshmallow that he is? And ugghh he finally says yes and Jane is trying really hard to look mature about it and not beam at him and he's trying really hard not to seem pleased about making her happy and ugh these two giant dorks are gonna be the death of meeeee

Dude you're really not gonna use your work insurance? I suppose maybe you can't, since you quit like yesterday, you big dumb idiot. And then ugh the other guy asks him about his PTSD, and it's very convenient that the sole other occupant in the room is someone that can give Reade some real insight into his situation and help him get on the right path. If this was a daytime movie, we'd find out at the end that this guy was actually an angel the whole time, placed there to help him find his way. But it's Blindspot, so more likely he's a Sandstorm plant or something lol, since they seem to be literally everywhere haha. Also Reade denies being a veteran, and is he just trying to cut off the conversation, or is that answer honestly a no? I feel like my understanding of his character was that he WAS in the army before the FBI. But hey, maybe I just made that up.

Naawww Roman is like 'wait I'm coming out on a case that's not directly related to me?? Really??' and Jane is all 'yep now let's go out there and show them how great you are' and he snarks back about getting tossed back in a cage if he doesn't, and I love that there's a hint of reproach in her tone when she tells him that it's important, and a big opportunity-- like okay bro I know you’ve had a tough time but everyone is trying super hard to be inclusive and give you a fair shot so maybe ease up on the attitude mmmkay?? I love that Jane is Roman's biggest advocate when talking to others, but when he starts to get a bit whiny she (gently but firmly) puts him back in his place. Man, she’s such a big sister. Also dude they're gonna have to be even more careful with what they say about Sandstorm etc now, considering that Roman's detail is in the lab with them? Though I suppose all Patterson's lil lab techs are usually hovering around all the time, so maybe these are all high-clearance people. Rn Patterson's concerned about Weitz twisting everything they say, worried that telling the truth may not be enough to protect them. But Weller is all 'truth or nothing, we die with honor*' (*paraphrasing lol) and ugh I'm so proud of him for being such a good, incorruptible man. And so now they have another lead-- the teen's music teacher lives near where he was seen on the cam, so maybe he's gone there for help. Weller wants to check it out, but Patterson's already got plans at the morgue (that's where I'd go too tbh, autopsies are fascinating) and Zapata's got a date with Weitz, so that doesn't leave many other options. Jane's quick to suggest Roman, ratcheting the tension level up to about 300 before Weller is all like 'screw it, alright come on but just don't mess up okay bc wifey will be really upset if something bad happens' and Roman is all 'yes sir I would never intentionally make my sister unhappy sir' while Jane practically skips out of the room behind them haha

Weitz is asking Zapata about Reade-- ooh is someone worried about competition, Weitz?? Don't worry, she and Reade are just friends. And you are dirt on the sole of her shoe. But hey, maybe that's one of your kinks or something. Anyway oooh it comes up that Nas gave the order to enter the Sandstorm compound and that Weller wasn't there. The writing in the scene is clever and focuses on the Weller side of things, but it's also a setup to Nas getting blamed... wonder if they'll pounce on her later?

So it's snowy again, which means weather-wise, we should be approaching somewhere close to a full year since Jane was found in Times Square. Though since my theory is that she was found in January, I'm going to assume we're maybe around November now. Anyway I love that Weller allows Jane and Roman to head around back while he takes the front-- so much trust in Jane ugh (and some in Roman too, obviously). And he said Roman's detail would have to come out with them, but I don't see them anywhere... maybe scoping the perimeter? Round back they find Eli playing on a little pitch-pipe (it kinda looks like little plug-adaptors for TV aerials-- did he make it himself?) and ugh Weller reassures him and is doing his whole fatherly thing and ughhhh I love it (almost as much as Jane does hehe)

Meanwhile Patterson just found out that their girl's body has been basically snatched from the morgue, which is unfortunate. Clearly there was something about her body that could give the bad guys away??

I think Nas is trying to psychoanalyze Roman. But he's doing a better job of it himself tbh, and indirectly admits that he's scared of himself. Ugh, my puppy. Let me hug you. In the interview room, the Jeller dream team are talking to the kid, with Weller looming over him a little as the stern dad-figure and Jane sitting at his level, being the sensitive, understanding mom figure and ughhhhh I am having premonitions of them talking to their own teen after they go out drinking or stay out past curfew or something and ughhh I better not fall down this rabbit hole rn bc it'll be hours before I pull myself out of it, so let's focus on the present instead okay. Patterson has no leads on the body-snatchers, the music teacher has been out of town and has no idea about anything, and so all their hopes rest on getting Eli to open up. Roman suggests giving him back the pitch-pipe, recognising it as a sentimental item, much like the coin he and Jane shared. And ugh Weller approves and Jane is so proud and ooh Zapata just came into the lab and looked at Roman with a guarded expression and ugh stop making me ship it okay?? Anyways Jane's up next to talk to Weitz, and man does she look eager about the prospect lol

Aaaaaahhhh Weitz's first question is whether she's been in a romantic relationship with Weller (dude do you have a crush on Jane as well as Zapata?? Fair enough, I understand) and ugh I love that she doesn't go straight for a 'no', she instead questions its relevance to the investigation. And yaaaaasss I love that it's only after Weitz pretty much implies that she slept her way onto the team that she denies the romantic relationship. Because after all, it's kinda true; they definitely have (or as she thinks in his case, HAD) romantic feelings for each other, and they have had romantic interactions, but they have never been in a literal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, therefore her answer is not a lie. (Though I hope one day it will be hehe). And then he attacks her about zipping Roman, acting like she has something to hide, trying to get her to slip up and somehow incriminate Weller, claiming that her loyalties are with Roman and (basically) that Weller's loyalties are with her, meaning he believes Weller would choose her over the FBI if it came down to it, and ugh I know this guy is trying to cause problems and everything but I kinda love him for laying it out to Jane like that, putting the thought in her mind that maybe Weller WOULD choose her, maybe Weller cares enough about her that if it somehow came to it, he would turn his back on the agency that has been his life for a dozen years in order to stand with her. And lbr, he would. Heeeeelllllppppp.

Aaaand Reade is still ignoring calls and being an all-round butthead. Also I've suddenly decided Reade needs a dog. Oooh and angel-Trevor not only has PTSD, but he's dying bc of his drug and alcohol abuse, having already lost his family because of it. Yep, this guy was definitely put here to teach Reade a valuable life lesson. Good luck Trevor, hope you succeed. Also sorry to hear about the dying thing.

Naww Weller is being the understanding dad now, since mom-Jane isn't there to do it, and Zapata has taken on the role of that cool aunt that you can tell anything to. Also this kid must be kinda in awe of the hotness of the women in this place lol. He is like 16, after all. And then ugh he finally tells them that their foster mom was giving them pills-- and then BAM, he breaks open the pitch-pipe and there's one of the pills. Score one for Roman! Also I very much enjoy watching Roman watch the interviews. Handsome, emotionally troubled men with hearts of gold are definitely part of my aesthetic. Zapata takes the pill to Patterson to be tested, whereas Weller is accosted by Weitz, who looks positively delighted to get to have some alone time. Well, if a bunch of observers and a camera counts as alone time, anyway.... (#kinky)

And ughhhh yet again his first question is Jeller-related. We definitely have a shipper here. And ugh Weller describes his relationship with Jane as professional, which is technically true. Their relationship is multifaceted, and a big one of those facets is their work partnership. Especially lately, while the personal stuff between them is only just beginning to delicately blossom again. Then when Weitz pushes-- clearly desperate to know if there's hope for his OTP or not-- Weller hedges, saying that they go out for drinks as a team sometimes. Again, true; that is another facet. I love how he is very much skirting around the head-over-heels-in-love facet. Well played, Weller. It's Weitz’s fault for not asking you directly if you're in love with her. For once he's probably somewhat relieved for the conversation to move onto Shepherd-- well, until Weitz starts claiming that she's Weller's benefactor (slash future mother in law) and that he may actually be working for her somehow. Remember those anger management lessons, son, you've been doing so well. Just get through this and you can go find Jane so she can be outraged on your behalf.

But nope, instead he walks into the lab, and when Jane asks how it went, he grumpily changes the topic. Sigh. I guess it would be a little hard for him to seek support from her when all the team-- including Roman and Roman's detail- are standing right there. Plus he probably still feels a little awkward about nearly getting caught out on the whole being in love with her thing. Kinda makes sense that he's a little touchy. Anyway Patterson has discovered that the foster kids are being used as guinea pigs in illegal drug tests. And cue a scene with labcoated people talking about euthanising the kids, which the foster mom initially argues against, but then accepts. Wow, messed up, much? Thankfully the drug has to be out of the kids' systems before they kill them, so that buys them another hour for our team to come to their rescue.

Lol Trevor and I seem to share feelings about home-renovation shows. I'd sure as hell rather watch hockey too, buddy. Reade catches him right before he falls over trying to change the channel, seeing that his legs are too weak to even support him anymore, and angel-Trevor then tells him to get control of his life 'the right way' by talking about his pain, getting it all out. And Reade starts to open up to him and ughhh I really hope he is an angel and not some kind of plant bc if the wrong person finds out about this, Reade could be in some serious shit...

Nas' contacts are closing in on Sandstorm's bank account after tracking that transaction Roman made, but Weller's more fixated on the fact that his unwanted 'link' to Shepherd is a threat to the team (now you know how Jane feels, bud!). Thankfully though Patterson has found a lead-- the capsule that holds the pill's contents is (very fortuitously) only used by four companies, and they showed photos of employees to Eli until they found the doctor he'd met-- a man with a very Polish-looking name, which Patterson can't pronounce, and Weller thinks he can, but can't. Literally I'm an Aussie who has never been to Poland, and while I'm definitely not sure exactly how it's meant to sound, I know enough to know it's not whatever he just said. But anyhow, let's add another uncle to Weller's list haha-- he seems to have been collecting a few lately. I wonder which side of the family they were on? Not that it matters, since he's estranged from both, I guess... but anyhow there's only one way to find the doctor, and that's to use Eli as bait. I appreciate that they get his consent first, bc lbr they probably didn't have to.

And like a sucker, the doc fell for it, and they traced the call to a warehouse. Roman's detail is assigned to cover the back entrance (good, keeps them out of the way) and Weller puts Jane together with Roman while he and Zapata take another entrance. I love the Roman/Jane teaming up thing because again, it shows Weller's trust in Jane... but I want my Jeller combo back. How long til we can have Zapata and Roman teaming up? Bc I am veeeeery interested to see how that goes. I do appreciate that Zapata raises no concern about Roman being out with them though. It's nice to see him being accepted more ughh. Sounds like the foster mom has had a change of heart, and doesn't want the kids to die. Too little, too late, lady. And then she literally tries to grab a gun to shoot at Weller (rude) but he fires a warning shot, bc he believes in JUSTICE not vigilantism and ugh I just love my sweet honorable boy. And speaking of sweet honorable boys, as the team approaches the kids, Roman runs straight to them and starts cutting them free ugh, while Weller chases a bad guy and Jane finds the power source for the machines (not sure why, like she could literally just pull the IV's out of the kids' arms)-- but it's lucky she does, bc it puts her in the perfect spot to grapple with another suddenly-appearing bad guy. Roman nearly gets shot in the head about five times in the process, and he and the kiddies make a run for it while the rest of the team is locked in their own individual battles. Zapata personally kicks the shit out of the doctor guy, which I appreciate. They all dispatch their opponents and regroup at the same time, realising Roman is nowhere to be found. Jane looks super worried but also convinced that he'll pop up at any second, while Weller's just like 'shit I can't deal with this rn' and then ta-da Roman appears with all the kids safe and sound and Jane is practically bursting with pride and rainbows and Weller just gives this little nod like 'good work... u lil shit' and we didn't get to see Zapata's reaction but I stg she would have been frowning bc she found the whole situation worryingly hot lol

Ugh now they're all at the hospital and Roman and Jane walk up to Weller together but she lets Roman take the lead bc lbr seeing the two men she loves most in the world interact is probably like her favourite thing ever, plus it's good for Weller to be reminded that Roman really does care ugh. And then Jane tells Roman how great he did and Weller agreeeeeeeeessss (bc now it's just them there so he doesn't have to keep up the cranky-boss appearances anymore and can just be the approving bro-in-law and ughhhhh save me). Oh and it seems Zapata is here to do just that, bc she's discovered Eli is missing from his room-- turns out he's gone to confront foster-mom. Also according to the decor, this is literally the same hospital that Reade is in. Imagine if the team ran into him in one of the corridors?? Awkwaaaaard. But anyhow the team finds Eli, and Weller approaches and starts talking him down while the rest watch from the doorway, and ughhhh "don't let what she's done ruin the rest of your life"/ "the things that you've had to go through, they can make you stronger, but you have to make the right choices" and ughhhhh his words literally could relate to any member of the team, but are clearly hitting Roman especially hard rn. Yaaaas give me all the Roman/Weller bonding. And omg the kid drops the knife and then walks straight into Weller's arms and I'm screaming bc ALL THAT SPECULATION ABOUT WHICH OF THE WOMEN THE HUG WOULD BE WITH, AND IT'S A FREAKING TEENAGE BOY. Oh, man, that promo sure got us good. I'm so amused by this haha

Oooh Weller has called his ladies (sans Nas, which imo is the way it should be) into his office-- he's giving Tasha the lead on the Sandstorm op, which makes them all go "??What???" so he explains that in order to prevent Weitz taking the whole team down, he's going to fall on his sword, take the hit to spare the rest of them. And lol yet again it's a mixed-bag of reactions-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง again, whereas Zapata-- as a bureaucracy-understanding agent like Weller-- clenches her jaw, telling him they'll fight it together but knowing why he's doing what he's doing; but ugh Jane's eyes are locked on Weller's face, voice rough with emotion as she insists there IS no team without him. Because to her, there isn't. There's nothing without Weller-- she can't even comprehend existing in a world where he is not at its center. And when he insists that this is the plan he's going with, she looks to the others, hoping they'll help her talk him out of it-- but they're silent. There's nothing they can do. He's still their boss, and this is his final order. Weitz has his victim at last.

But not, apparently, the one we were expecting. While Weller was saying his farewells, Nas Kamal-- the sneakiest of the sneaky-- is already in with Weitz, claiming full responsibility for literally everything (did you know she shot JFK, too??). So, okay... what is actually going on here? Was this literally the point of her character all along, to provide someone else to be offered up as a sacrificial lamb, when all the shit that has happened this season finally catches up with them? I just... idk. I don't get it. I feel like Nas' character makes no sense, like she's some kind of shape-shifter, initially one thing, and then another, and then another, based on the whims of the writers. After nearly a full season I have no idea what her motivations actually are, and I have no idea whether any of the things she said or did were genuine or by design. But, well, better her on the chopping block than Weller, I guess? Well... so long, Nas, and thanks for all the fish-y business!

Ugh my precious Weller catches up with them just as they're leaving, though clearly dreading what he's about to do but ready to do it anyway to protect his team. And then Weitz is all "Boy, bye"... though not before offering to take him out on a date. Does this man literally have a crush on EVERY member of the team, or???

Reade is getting out of hospital, and he leaves his number for Trevor (silly boy, angels don't need phones to speak to you), and the last bit of advice he receives is not to face his demons alone. So c’mon, Reade, who you gonna call?

Okay I am super uncomfortable with drinks being poured on top of the touchscreen table thing. I can't believe Patterson is allowing this. And aww the team thanks Nas for her sacrifice, but lbr they're all secretly glad it's her and not Weller. And then she says a mildly emotional goodbye (she's not really one for touchy feely stuff, lbr), passing the torch to them to continue on her quest against Sandstorm-- and giving them the bank account details, which will no doubt be their next lead. Aaaand yep I am still no closer to understanding anything about why she does what she does or what she wants or anything, really. Which either means that the writers are waaaaay more clever than I am, or they have no more of an idea about it than I do lol. Personally, I'm kinda leaning toward the second...

Aaaaaahhhh Reade called Zapata. GOOD BOY. THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD THING YOU'VE DONE IN WEEKS. And ugh he thanks her for coming over and she thanks him for calling back and they HUGGGGGG and I still do not ship them in the slightest but man have I missed their awesome friendship!!!! And then aaahhh he picks up the tape (apparently he's found a VCR at a thrift store or somewhere lol) and tells her that what he was doing wasn't working and that he needs to know so he can move on and then ughhhhh they sit on the couch together and she holds his haaaaaaaand and ugh I so desperately hope that it's just a game tape and ugh I'm terrified to find out and oh man I can’t even imagine watching that with someone knowing that they may be about to see you violated in that way, knowing that this is something they will always be aware of in the back of their mind when they look at you, and mannnn I just can't get over the incredible depth of the relationships in this show like yes this particular situation is horrible but these connections are so what I came here for ughhhhhhh

Ew, Shepherd. I was enjoying a few episodes without you. And okay blah blah blah you've bought something very expensive and very toxic looking in Bangkok. Whatevs. Hope it backfires on you somehow.

And okay that's the ep done, just in time haha. About the promo: my prediction is that the Jeller kiss we saw will actually be interrupted before it happens, but that Jeller will find a way to ensure that some uninterrupted smoochin' happens by the end of the episode. And lbr they are so DUE for a kiss. Like it's a legit pattern; both of them kiss somebody else. Then they kss each other. Then they both kiss someone else again. Then kiss each other. Then, most recently, they've both kissed other people again, people whom they no longer have any relationship with. Which means: this Jeller kiss is a definite guarantee. It's pure science. Just wait til tonight's ep; you'll see. And after that, the pattern’s gonna end, bc these two won’t be kissing anybody but each other ever again ugh

#Blindspot #Blindspot recap #Jeller #ooooookay now to get like 5 hours sleep #then work for ten hours #THEN watch the episode #sighhhhhh

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dreamxng-forever · 8 years ago

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(It deleted for some reason?) but @punk-rock-pixie asked me to answer all Unusual Asks so: Oh lordy Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Pandora is your room messy or clean? Generally it's kinda meh. I never put away my clothes so they're always in a pile on top of my stuffed animals what color are your eyes? A pretty chocolate brown or sometimes a dark hazel do you like your name? why? I mean yeah. Sarah is a pretty name and I don't see it being any different. Also it means princess in Hebrew so hell yeh what is your relationship status? Single and very lonely describe your personality in 3 words or less Seriously emotionally fun I guess what color hair do you have? It's dirty blonde what kind of car do you drive? color? I don't drive one but I'll have to drive a Jeep Cheeokke (the old square ones) and its white with a black hood where do you shop? Spectrum mostly how would you describe your style? My friend use to say fashionable. I don't know. Pretty disney-esk? favorite social media account Tumblr what size bed do you have? Twin any siblings? An older brother whom I miss because he's never home anymore if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? Does a fantasy world count? It probably doesn't so fuck. Um, honestly Disneyland. I would live in Disneyland. It's already like my second home and it holds such a special place in my heart favorite snapchat filter? The flower crown. I love flower crowns favorite makeup brand(s) You are asking someone who knows shit about makeup how many times a week do you shower? You know what no comment because recently I've been a lazy bum and don't shower as often as I need to. But typically I shower every other day favorite tv show? Fuck Grey's Anatomy or The Walking Dead shoe size? 9/10 how tall are you? 5 feet 7 inches sandals or sneakers? Typically sandals do you go to the gym? HA describe your dream date Disneyland with a bae who is just as passionate about the park as I am and we meet all the characters and introduce ourselves as each other's Prince/princess. Then a long time sitting around in Off the Page and just being together and snuggling while watching all the concept art and listening to all the songs and we talk about stuff if we feel up to it how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? About like $10 I think what color socks are you wearing? Invisible cause I am barefooted how many pillows do you sleep with? Two but I have many stuffed animals that I snuggle with do you have a job? what do you do? I don't, but I did work at Costume Castle in October and gonna do it again. I like being on the floor and helping customers and cleaning up the isles how many friends do you have? A have a few but honestly my main group of friends there's only 3 whats the worst thing you have ever done? Injured myself even though my friends and mom begged me not to whats your favorite candle scent? Strawberry 3 favorite boy names -Dorian -Jayden -Warren 3 favorite girl names -Aria -Alice -Mari favorite actor? That's very hard for me to choose favorite actress? Scarlet Johanson who is your celebrity crush? Tom Hiddleston favorite movie? Another can't choose. There's so many categories I put into my favorites, and even then there's severals in the category. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? Not really? I use too and my favorite series was the Spooks Apprentice. But now I mainly read comics. My favorite is the Fables series money or brains? Brains are pretty tasty. But so is money do you have a nickname? what is it? Sarah-Bear, m'sis, m'wife how many times have you been to the hospital? Twice but neither for myself. First time was when I visited grandpa during chemo and second was when mom had an appendectomy top 10 favorite songs Not in any specific order; -May I by Tranding Yesterday -Legendary by The Summer Set -Beside You by Marianas Trench -Good to You by Marianas Trench -Face Down by Red Jumpsuit -Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit -Training Wheels by Melanie Martinez -Dearly Departed by Marianas Trench -Follow You by Bring Me the Horizon -Let it Burn by Red do you take any medications daily? Nope what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) Fair what is your biggest fear? Death or loosing my friends how many kids do you want? 3 has always stuck with me whats your go to hair style? Ponytail what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) It's a small condo who is your role model? I don't even know anymore what was the last compliment you received? I don't really know. Hayden and Kacie compliment me all the time what was the last text you sent? I screamed about how I found out on of my favorite characters from Fables died to @alternative-mistakes how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? What do you mean Santa isn't real? what is your dream car? One that won't kill me opinion on smoking? Hate it but pictures of people smoking are really hot? do you go to college? I refuse to go to college honestly what is your dream job? Becoming a famous author would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Suburbs do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? No do you have freckles? I wish I did. I love freckles do you smile for pictures? Not really. I hate my smile. I always try to hide my mouth how many pictures do you have on your phone? 14 because I can't keep photos since I have no storage have you ever peed in the woods? Yes and I almost pissed all over myself do you still watch cartoons? Of course do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? Wendy's Favorite dipping sauce? Ranch what do you wear to bed? Nightgown or a shirt and undies have you ever won a spelling bee? How does one spell what are your hobbies? Writing or playing video games can you draw? Not well do you play an instrument? I want to learn guitar what was the last concert you saw? Panic! At the Disco with Brittany tea or coffee? Neither Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks do you want to get married? Kinda. I don't know. I'll find out when I get there what is your crush’s first and last initial? P & P are you going to change your last name when you get married? Maybe. Probably. I hated the name 'Dye' for such a long time and wanted nothing more than to change it. Now I don't even know what color looks best on you? Purple in my opinion do you miss anyone right now? I miss Hayden and Britt and Kacie tbh. But there's two others who I miss so much more...I just want them back... do you sleep with your door open or closed? Closed do you believe in ghosts? Yes what is your biggest pet peeve? Walking really slow or stopping in the middle of the path last person you called` My mom favorite ice cream flavor? Wild and Reckless Sherbert regular oreos or golden oreos? Regular chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Rainbow sprinkles what shirt are you wearing? It's a Beauty and the Beast nightgown what is your phone background? My lockscreen is Sora and Riku from Kingdom Hearts and my home screen is Peter Pan are you outgoing or shy? Fucking shy. Except at Disneyland I seem more outgoing do you like it when people play with your hair? Yes. Very much yes do you like your neighbors? I use too when @exclamation-point lived next to me. Now I don't even know my neighbors do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? I don't ever take care of my body have you ever been high? No have you ever been drunk? I want to be last thing you ate? Disneyland fudge favorite lyrics right now “Every masterpiece I'd write again You'll always be my porcelain I crossed my heart But I stuttered too So truth or dare Was I good to you Haven't had enough of you all to myself Still right beside you In sickness and health For ever after You will be my home And there's no place like home” summer or winter? Honestly neither. Spring. day or night? I feel more scared in the dark, but I like the dark more dark, milk, or white chocolate? Milk chocolate favorite month? April what is your zodiac sign Aries who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom I think. I had a very bad emotional breakdown because I felt like a burden to my friends. It was a very bad time but my mom wouldn't let me runaway so she comfroted me while I broke down

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celestialallstars · 5 years ago

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Episode #3: "Make me look like fucking Doofenshmirtz when I’m trying to be like Maleficent" - Mo

So first off WOOOOO! The vote happened exactly as it was supposed to. I'm hoping that means I'm actually on the pulse of this tribe. I've gradually been getting closer to Jared, and I think he trusts me probably more than I trust him.

Second off, this challenge my god. I hate it, like it's a good challenge but for me... oof. Doing this, it's like I have facial dyslexia or something. Like all of the mouths and eyes start blending together and it just starts to look nuts.

I'm hoping to keep trudging forward, if we somehow pull a win out of this, even better if Cyrena goes to tribal again given it was basically unanimous. Alternatively Orfeo to balance things out. I'm tired though and it's been a long day, so it is now time to sleep.

I’m conflicted because I so badly want to be a bad bitch and create an over the top plan but there’s such a high chance that it will flop and make me look like fucking Doofenshmirtz when I’m trying to be like Maleficent. So I’m going to try to create my own kinda of genius that only applies to me. It sounds stupid but it’ll work. I’m being bold by saying it’ll work cus if I get eliminated I’ll look like a Doofenshmirtz. We’ll see. I’m already making charts to help me see who’s good and who’s not so good at comps. Comparing teammates to eachother and comparing the entire cast to eachother. Wish me luck. (Also I love everyone in this cast.)

So like I have so many mixed feelings about this cast. In terms of talking a lot of them are BORING or LEAVE ME ON READ, and like maybe for some it’s cause I’m not in their tribe but like, some people on my tribe still make me want to hit my head against a rock. So like that’s what I’m feeling.

Also think we’re gonna loose this immunity which I’ve hardly done anything for. So go me.

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Just a small update Mitch and I are chatting so that answers that question

"What's going on?" Well I shall tell you Anna Jane exactly what is going on. I need to get back into therapy that's what.

Apparently everyone is stressed about results and then there is me who does not care cause I want bodhi gone cause he legit doesn't talk to me so meh.

ALSO ALISSA FOUND AN IDOL QUEEEN. so we now have an idol between the 3 of us which could come in handy very much later down the road which we love! I have 100% trust in jack and alyssa now, with mo as my number 3 on this tribe. As much as i love tobi personally (hi tobi reading this post season) but like idk something is still off. he hasn't spoken much game to me at the moment so idk where his head is really at..

god help us its results this challenge was hard woo go cyrena!

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we lost by 1 point. oh my god. 1 point. that makes me wanna cry. dear god let this be a simple vote or i will actually start crying

WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE ON THE SHITTY TRIBE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IS THERE SOME SICK SATISFACTION OF ME ALWAYS GOING TO TRIBAL????? FUCK

I am SO pumped! I do feel bad for the people on Cyrena, but where it stands now, them going to tribal I feel is best for my game just relationship-wise for me. Still, I can only hope I am making few bonds over on their end while maintaining the ones I have on my tribe and Tuatha as well. I do really hope Mo at least makes it because he helped me this morning when I was getting bummed about all the winner talk. I'm quite optimistic for right now!

I Wrote Alexis Maxwell But I Erased It

Well we won the challenge (BARELY), a bit annoyed that we submitted before I got another chance to take a crack at the photos. I feel like I could've maybe found 1 or 2 more before we submitted. Granted we'd need to have found either 3 more or beaten Orfeo to the punch if we had wanted the reward.

I think so long as Bodhi doesn't go on Cyrena I'm pretty indifferent about them losing. They're the people I talk to the least relatively. Ideally I'd probably want an Alyssa, or Matt boot, but I have no influence so we'll see what happens.

I'm just trying to be social and relatively unimposing right now. It's Day 8, now's not the time to be doing glaringly bold things.

um so we won wooh but still no 2nd idol im sad i want one. um wanted green tribe to go tribal but blue going again i hope bodhi/jack/alyssa leave cuz they dont talk to me ever um ya thatd be cute or maybe tobi cuz hes a snake but maybe he not a snake this time? my stan list atm is jared > zach = rhys > loris = chloe > everyone else. my unstan list is: sharky jack alyssa mitch <3 um yaa hope i can do sth. chris so good gotta always watch out for him jared asked who i wanted to go to f3 with and i said def not chris and he was like oh i wanted chris in end so like hes def a threat also he likes zach so um that needs to stop real quick.

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I think it should be Bodhi or Tobi to go. Am I gonna say anything? Not right now, no. Will I say something later? No clue it depends. But Bodhi isn’t as active as the others and doesn’t participate all that much. Tobi is semi-active but isn’t great at challenges. I remember him being good at challenges so idk if he’s just distracted or not putting that much energy into this. I think a swap is happening after this potentially but if it ain’t it’s still best to vote out the weakest link. It might be me and I might just be super cocky rn but I don’t think it’s me.

hi! yesterday was a monumental day. I tried to mend my social game with those I hadn’t talked much to, which resulted in me having a lengthy conversation with jack, and making me feel a bit more secure in my tribe/in the event of a swap. the people I don’t talk to keep getting voted out which I’m very much a fan of but that’s probably because they were inactive so that trend might not continue :(. also I lied in my last conf I’m now in an alliance with Chris Jared kori and Bryce? I didn’t expect it but i didn’t feel too close with kori so that should help me solidify something there!! :) I’m thriving. don’t call me ANGEL!

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don’t call me ANGEL! (in case of task challenge :p)

So we won the challenge. Again. It’s really nice to be able to just sit back and relax in the game and watch people struggle but I’m really nervous about it because we’re all so kumbaya on the Oreo tribe that I don’t fully know who I can trust just yet. Another piece of tea is the fact that Alyssa has an idol which is great for me because it shows Alyssa trusts me and I can trust her for the time being. However I’m worried about Alyssa because we keep promising each other merge which tells me she won’t want to go to the end with me just yet so I gotta keep her close and we’ll see how much damage we can do but i think I’m thriving bc I actually know where an idol is compared to last time when I had no clue.

so previously on The Adventures of a F*g, i had a small breakdown about the game. i dont know if true, but bryce informed me of an alliance between kori/jared/bryce/loris/chris, and the last two named are super close allies of mine (the closest on my tribe). they like.. didnt tell me shit about it and idk i guess i just feel excluded and it sucks that im in legit 0 (real) alliances. ive been doing good socially i thought and i dont know but i feel like i really sucked.

meanwhile, i sat down with a bag of salt and vinegar lays chips and talked to myself. why was i doing bad? why was i in 0 alliances? why no one like me?

then it hit me... like boom.

i realized that a typical flaw i had this game was caring too much. i pride myself on my ability to read situations (barring paranoia) and i know myself very well. like, i realized that since i was too concerned with doing good and proving myself, i kind of lost the fun of it all and probably come off as fake or forcible to other people. that isn't authentic.

BUT MY EPIPHANY increased even further. how? i dont know!! my brains so fucking big. i just had to be goofy. yes, i want to do good. i really do. but i played once before in this series and got RU pots and 5th. i know i am capable of being a good player and im content with that, and now that im moving into that mindset where this game wont no longer dictate whether im good or bad, im going to start having fun.

i know this isnt about game really but its like... #selfdiscovery

but ya i just wanted to update yalls on that. i won immunity though so im f18 and probs in swap. woo. finna get fucked. anyway, thank u.

and since i want like attention on this post im going to put tags.

#selfdiscovery #justgirlythings #l4l #follow4follow #gay #faggot #0alliances #disney #anime #weeb #lgbt #survivor #bigbrother #celestial

After we won the face morph challenge, it has been pretty slow. I still have a solid group with me Stephen Z and Jared. Kori and Bryce are close, Jared and I are close, Rhys and Jared are close, and Stephen and I are close. Those are the allegiances I know of right now, but things could change. Lucky for the alliance of 5, they all get to stick together. If there is a swap though, I won't hesitate to flip on bryce/rhys/kori if the opportunity presents itself. I am also kind of worried I am not keeping up socially. I have had a busy week, so my availability is limited, but I try to talk to as many people as I can when I am available. If my predicitons are correct, we should expect a swap soon. I'd love to meet up with Michael, Bodhi, Alyssa, Chloe, Drew, and Mo just to name a few. I feel like I have been able to connect well with everyone except Matt H.

So, as per my last confessional we are at tribal. And I'm conflicted. As said before I have an alliance with jack and Alyssa and they are my main 2 at the moment like love them both. We helped Alyssa find the idol and we now have a vote steal which I found. However I am feeling kinda conflicted over this vote. Jack and Alyssa want to get rid of Tobi but I personally want bodhi gone. He doesn't talk to me like at all and like he's not the best at challenges. I wanna keep Tobi as well for like a laugh because I genuinely love him. We all agreed to keep mo thank god but still, a lil conflicted. AGH. I have found a vote steal tho woo. I'm not going to be happy but I'll swallow my pride and just go with the alliance, because I'm not out here trying to make waves and be unloyal at the moment. That's for later LOL

I think there is a relatively high chance that i'm going home here, considering its 1 and a half hours till tribal and people "still haven't heard anything" so i'm assuming that i'm getting the chop here which sucks... I tried pretty hard considering i've been pretty busy and like they're not giving me much to work with here and it feels like im trying to break through a wall. I'm trying to get the target on bodhi but no one is fucking online to even try to talk to about it so i'm at a lost for what to do here... I want to stay but i just don't know how to do that when no one is talking to me... i could just be extremely paranoid and i sound delusional right now but idk something feels off here... its so annoying when I enjoy talking to other tribes more than my own NNNN like i really wish things were different but they're not so i'm just gonna try my best and see what happens

Woo we win again. Im trying to step up socially with my tribe, although who knows how long it's gonna matter bc we're prob swapping tonight. Apparently people were saying mo's name, let's pray it doesn't happen bc he's a good fucking kid.

Well it's been a slow couple of days for me. In game I can't really speak much to anything that may have happened. I feel like Tuatha has had a bit of a kumbaya casual flow going on. Which isn't necessarily bad but it makes it hard for me to know how I'm really doing.

Tobi was messaging me worried it might be him, which admittedly wouldn't be the worst thing given how we ended our last game. I was kindof an ass which I kindof leaned into after essentially throwing that game, but I still wish I'd found a way to end things better with him. While there are others I'd rather see go, his boot is one I can probably accept.

If it isn't him then oof who knows then. So long as it isn't Bodhi from that tribe. Overall I'm feeling ok, but I don't want to get complacent, it's just so early that I really don't know what to make of things. One world still isn't really helping since I'm still struggling to try and make conversation with EVERYONE. I really should consider just narrowing it down to some instead of all.

I’m sure hoping this works out for me if there is a tribe swap like a suspect, I think I’ve built some strong enough connections but without going to tribal it’s just not possible for me to be 100%

I've never been on a tribe with a winning streak I feel like I'm in the upside down hahaha. I'm having a great time and getting to know everybody and not having the stress of tribal is great. Sucks for the other tribes OOP

Nothing much is happening! I am still set up perfectly on my tribe and Bodhi has informed me that either Mo or Matt might be going. That was at the beginning of the round so it could really be anyone. I just hope it isn't Bodhi Alyssa or Mo.

Ok this past round was ok. I just kind of let us lose immunity and then we voted out Tobi. I didn’t want to vote out Tobi but that fucker voted for me so I don’t really care at all fuck him.

So not very much has changed on Tuatha as far as I can tell. My tribe winning the immunity challenge has helped me delay any confrontation between my 2 alliances which is great, as it should theoretically allow me to maintain relationships with all 6 members of the tribe. Still, it's going to keep being important to win immunity or pray for a swap in order to keep these groups from clashing.

Jared and Rhys are still a ? for me. I don't know why/how Rhys was able to convince Kori to invite Jared to the alliance of 5 instead of Mitch, and it worries me that those 2 may have a stronger bond than I immediately suspected. Hopefully I'll have an opportunity to deal with that when the time comes.

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Tobi is voted out 5-1. We swap!

#episode #shinebright

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nottillivehadmycoffee · 6 years ago

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Fuuuuuuck

So I'm scheduled 3-11 tonight which is fine, but I've been super depressed the last couple of days and last night was kinda tough.

Yesterday was super dead and boring and didn't get a rush until 7 or 8 which is weird and another 711 had been closed cuz some lady lost her shit and broke everything in the store so we got their customers swarming in till literally after 11, so a 4 to 5 hour rush WHILE training a new guy.

I don't like training new people because I don't know the right way to go about it cuz when I was first trained, I was thrown to the wolves after one 3 hour block of training and so I forget that they need constant supervision.

So first my coworker that was supposed to work tonight took the whole weekend off. Then the coworker who was filling in for her called out AGAIN saying he's been throwing up, which is code for he went to a hotel party last night (when he also should have been working) and drank too much. Then another coworker wanted me to come in a half an hour early so she could pick up her kids and then come back to stay around a bit since I'll need the help, which was fine. But turns out she just wanted to leave early! So I said nevermind, I'll just be in at 3.

But here's the thing. It should've been me, called out coworker, and new guy tonight. Then it was me and new guy plus the owner and or the coworker who was going to stay behind and my fiance, the manager, coming in to help since it's a) Friday (beer and cigarettes night) and b) spring break (a fuck ton of teenagers and tourists wanting food and making the worst messes) plus c) tomorrow's 4/20 (every kid that just turned 18 is gonna be buying blunt wraps, which working tomorrow will be so much fun....).

But like I said, my depression is SUPER bad right now. I've been crying most of the morning and trying to get my shit together so I can go in. I never call out because I'm only on the payroll cuz my fiance's employees are so unreliable that I get called in to fill schedule holes. But I didn't want to work a half an hour with the really temperamental morning guy and then need to babysit the new guy while dealing with my breakdown. But it's my job, and no one else will fucking do theirs, so I was trying to get it together but my finance I guess heard me crying or just saw that I had been when I passed by to get my uniform and he was in his and said he'd call me if they need me.

So now I feel worse cuz he's going in to work on his day off, which he never actually gets because of 3 people calling out at the same time almost every week, and I'm just sitting on the couch crying my eyes out for fuck knows what reason while he works before turning around to come in tomorrow morning. I said I had wished I could call out cuz of how I'm feeling, but we both know I'll begrudgingly go in because well, like I said, it's my job and I do my fucking job whether I want to or not, especially if it saves my fiance from working doubles or back-to-backs or ruining his only day off.

Like, fucking shit man. Fuck everything right now.

#rant #long post #personal #fuck co-workers

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two-nguyen-blog · 6 years ago

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Death & Taxes

Well you should not be fearful of speaking freely like ever. It is better to have it out in the open to be addressed instead just floating in the background. I mean it is difficult but it's important for people to know where they stand in a relationship. I need to learn this with my coworkers who give me way too much stuff and my friends as well. I am 25 and I haven’t figured anything out.

I think nowadays I am getting more and more impatient. Usually, I used to hold my tongue about my thoughts and opinions, but I think I am no longer filtering it because I am tired. Tired of taking the blame, the stress, and making all the smart/responsible decisions. Causing me to lash out and basically start fighting everyone in our family, because I feel resentful. If that makes sense? It is not excusable, but I am jealous that I had to go to a community college and then transfer to an affordable one whereas the rest of my sisters get to have had an opportunity at a “real” college and not be restrained too much by finances. So I am just angry, jealous, and stressed all the time. Also, I feel like I get really unfair treatment from father compared to you all for some reason. (Also I have suggested maybe the names of the Nguyen sisters should be in this order: Gwen, Hue, Ray, and Rin. Thoughts?)

You are not any of those things you listed. I have told O over and over how if I did not have you around I would be dead. Seriously dead. Over the summer when you and Katsu were gone I checked myself in a crisis center for a week. It was really bad and that is why I am on antidepressants or was on antidepressants along with medical loans in the high hundreds. Having you around really helps with the loneliness and it’s rare to talk to people who see the whole situation of my life along with my depression.

You are too harsh on yourself and for a 18-year-old you got your head on straight and doing things right. I know deep down inherently you will be the most successful out of all of us because you have values and stick with them. You kinda hold the people around you in that way as well. I know you struggle setting up boundaries especially with people you care about, but that takes time. You do need to vocalize your frustrations because it can consume your thoughts and cause a lot of unnecessary stress in my life.

I think despite how much work I have to do I think going back to school, working two jobs, and running a household is good for me. It is the only way for me to deal with my depression now that I stop taking my medication and that O will be leaving soon. I throw myself into work so I am too tired to feel anything, but I may lash out and have a mental breakdown, but I am at least being productive. I would still lash out and have mental breakdowns but more frequent and less intense. J will be moving in with us soon and she has known me since my freshman year of college, she knows exactly how to handle my mental health problems.

You know what is weird is about a week or so ago I was looking at places to move to like California or Texas. Yesterday O said that he might move to California in the exact city I was looking at moving into once I am done with my Master's degree without prompting. (Also it is ridiculous that property prices in California are now cheaper than where we currently live). Little things like this make me feel like its a sign that we are meant to be together. I am always conflicted with balancing that whole if its meant to be then it is meant to be with if I want it then go get it. I do not want to really think about it.

I am sure you are taking a good job of taking care of your piercings. You are taking care of it and just check on it every day. You are 18 years old now, what can mother and father really do? However, I understand the stress. I am 25 years old to this day I am still get hung up on how they see me.

Well just write into Its Gonna Be Okay once a week or write in it when you are feeling overwhelmed. Don’t force yourself when it comes to self-care its suppose to be a good coping mechanism.

Well, maybe do you think the learning environment at home allows you to procrastinate? I know I had difficulties studying at home with my GMAT and I did so well while I was at the library.

Yeah B is treated differently because she is a small Asian girl whereas P and S are Latinas who are expected to suffer and struggle. It is unfair and I wish the reality of the situation was better. Well, I think it helps that you guys are not spending that much time together anymore. It was stressing you out and I believe you are an introvert at heart so having B around all the time is just draining.

I hope things get better Rin. I know that things are difficult but you are doing amazing seriously. You have a really bright future and I know things have been really awkward the past couple of days. Hopefully, once things get into the swing of things it will get better.

I started my second job doing taxes. I am really overqualified for this job, but I think that is a good thing. I need something that does not take too much brain power and that is super productive. I know I need the money too to pay for everything. I understand Gwen or Ray could help out financially, but I rather have you take the money cause you have the most potential. Any money going towards me is just like a black hole. It's not gonna do much. I hope that doing these taxes will keep me sharp and preoccupied during the next couple of months. I know I am going to be sad and depressed, so doing this second job all focusing on taxes is going to be helpful for me to cope and pay off some student expenses and medical bills.

I hope having O around isn’t causing too much trouble. Then J is going to move in on the 20th. I know that is super stressful and I am not going to be around very much but let me know if I need to have to set up some ground rules so that way we are not stepping on each others’ toes too much.

The reason why I kinda lash out when you tell me to close the fridge is often times I am multitasking. I do multiple things in the kitchen and my hands are slimey from cutting chicken or covered in oil. I need to grab things on the fridge and since we have such little counter space, so I leave the fridge open for easy access or I need to go grab something in the storage closet to wipe something down to prevent staining. I know it is open I just have to leave it open cause I have no counter space sadly. I would wish I had the luxury to put all the ingredients for cooking on the counter.

Also I need to stop leaving my things and items in the living space and bring it up to my room even if I have the intention of using it every day. When J moves in we will have a roommate agreement to discuss expectations and what goes where.

Much love,

Hue

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beatconductor-blog · 6 years ago

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Coco 👑Last Thursday at 11:44 PM

It's been a few hours since the whole Trickster thing wore off at this point you got to puke it all out and to take a nice long shower, something anyone would need after this bullshit. This leaves you awkwardly sitting on your bed with Dave, who apparently gained the privilege of entering the hideout during all the shit going down the past week or so. You are not going to complain about that at all but the silence right now after things are finally slowing down is unbearable. You just have to say something preferably something that will start a lighthearted and conversation and won't kickstart yet another emotional breakdown. "So...Uh...Tricksters huh? Sorry for uh...Going all psycho on your ass and shit.." Nailed it.

rootyLast Thursday at 11:47 PM

Ehhh dunno if you got that privilege just yet or if you even remember where that one backdoor tunnel goes, but you definitely stayed a night or two because you're just tired of everything. You just shrug. "I started it, should've just let you go ahead but I just had to come after you." Well, sure, Sock was really weird, but you kind of fucked up the whole happy trickster thing too, right? Else you might have been just as freaky.

Coco 👑Last Thursday at 11:58 PM

Probably not a permanent privilege just yet, but he's here right now, that's all that counts. "Yeah, guess it's all your fault." You say that in a total deadpan but you hope that Dave knows you well enough by now to realize it's supposed to be a joke, if not the best one. "Seriously though, I got really creepy on you and..I'm sorry dude. Even called you my boyfriend and shit..."

rootyYesterday at 12:02 AM

Honestly, that doesn't even properly register in your brain. Like, come on, that wasn't the worst of it all. "It's alright, I probably would've done the same if I had an actual sugar rush. It just kinda all sucked."

Coco 👑Yesterday at 12:04 AM

"Thanks uh..thanks for not fingering my bullet wounds though. That would be one weird memory to have..." Not that you don't have enough of those as is. Ugh.

rootyYesterday at 12:07 AM

"Uh, you're welcome. I mean I wish I could say I've done weirder shit before, but.. nah, not really, that was really something. That's not like, an urge you got regularly, do you..."

Coco 👑Yesterday at 12:11 AM

"You've seen all my hole filling needs so far... I dunno where..that came from." You decide not to mention what you got up to ding with your holes without him. That's not gonna help. "Only thing I did that really made sense was..hm..." You are not sure if you should say that but then again, fuck it? Everything's shit already. "..calling you my boyfriend."

rootyYesterday at 12:12 AM

You.. don't even know how to react that. Can't really say that it totally catches you off-guard, I mean, look at how much you've been together already, but. Man, you suck at this and you know it. "Alright." Nailed it.

Coco 👑Yesterday at 12:22 AM

"I...Ugh dude I feel like such an idiot here. It's...What..What are we even doing? Are we boyfriends?" You have been hanging out for ho long now? When did you start having sex? How often did you actually tell each other 'I love you' so far? A lot, though never without the possibility of blaming being high on illegal substances or just sex. It's hard to look at anything but you hands but you do sneak a glance at his face to see his reaction.

rootyYesterday at 9:44 AM

You don't know how to answer this. Actually you do, it's more like you physically can't. You lean there, getting really nervous and blushing just a little and very much avoiding his eyes. "Huhhh..." Fuck you fucking idiot.

Coco 👑Yesterday at 2:00 PM

Well that doesn't really help. It only makes you feel like more of an idiot for bringing this up. Maybe you misunderstood everything you guys did in the past twoish years. Maybe you shouldn't have brought it up, ever. Maybe he actually secretly hates you and wants you dead- No stop this is getting stupid. Well you are stupidly anxious about this and it shows. It's hard to actually look at Dave anymore. "That's...That's not an answer dude...We can just...shit i dont know. Sorry for asking." Nice chickening out there chicken boy.

rootyYesterday at 2:43 PM

Oh no, Sock definitely didn't misunderstand. That's just what happens when you crush on personified denial. You look incredibly stressed and nervous, trying to find a satisfying solution to an impossible problem. The problem being you. "No, it's.." Well, great, now you feel bad cause your chickening out made him chicken out. Urgh. Just tabbing out and asking Aradia for help would be really rude, right? Something something sometimes it's worth the risk and all and hell. You like him. "I mean. I.. I guess." That sure was a complete and comprehensive conversation.

Coco 👑Yesterday at 7:38 PM

"You guess...? That uh..That we're..you know? Or that we can..drop it?" You hope for the first answer for sure but you also really don't want to get your hopes up. Stupid bird boy.

rootyYesterday at 7:46 PM

God, he's really making you say it, is he? Fucking hell. You sink back into the matress a little, wishing you were anywhere but here but what else is new. "The thing. The boy.. friend.. thing." Your voice is getting smaller with every word.

Coco 👑Yesterday at 7:59 PM

"Oh..." It actually takes you a moment to process that. Is that a yes? It sounds like a yes. Is he sure about the yes? Do you deserve a yes? What if he just feels like he has to say yes but secretly he hates you- No bad again. Wrong. Stop. You take a deep breath before you gather all your courage and tackle the poor guy on the bed to kiss him. That's what you are supposed to do in a moment like this right? You pull away and look down at Dave and it feels like you are running the most nasty fever in the world. God you have to look like a god damn tomato. "Are...Are you sure? Is this okay?" It feels okay to you but... You are not so sure about Dave. It's hard not to let your fears and insecurities take over.

rootyYesterday at 9:39 PM

Oh. Oh god. Yeah, making out still feels really good, though you're also totally caught offguard. And blushing much harder than Sock because you're a few degrees paler. You have a really hard time meeting his eyes. Please stop expecting so much, you're just a simple Dave... "Y.. yeah. It is......"

Coco 👑Yesterday at 10:15 PM

Oh wow, you've never seen him blush this hard. That actually reassures you and you give him your biggest dumbest grin. "Does that mean we can hold hands in public?"

rootyYesterday at 10:51 PM

*"Wow wow wow. Slow down there alright who the hell do you think I am." You almost sound upset, but there's the teeniest tiny awkward grin on your face. God. Fuck. Yeah, alright. You love him. Look at that idiot.

Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:03 PM

"I think you are Dave Strider." You kiss him again, longer this time. "The biggest gaylord on Derse and my fucking boyfriend." Saying that feels just a little weird still but it's easier packaged as a joke and...It might be weird but it's also really nice. The smile just doesn't leave your face.

rootyToday at 12:24 AM

"Shut up." God. Fuck. Fucking hell. For once, the giddy excitement just barely outweighs the absolute terror in your bone, and yet he just talks way too fucking much and you pull him in for another deep kiss.

Coco 👑Today at 1:05 AM

You easily let him shut you up with kisses. Hell yeah you will take that any day. Fuck, you'd really like that every day for real. Maybe you can pretend that this is going to be every day from now on for just a minute. You don't know how long you've been making out when you finally speak up again, grabbing his hand because well..You are gay. And you want to hold onto him. "Hey... I'm really happy." And you really are. For once, just for now, nothing else really matters. You can go back to worrying about everything tomorrow.

rootyToday at 1:09 AM

"Fuuck..." Hell, this is gay. He's so gay. You're so gay. And excited. And nervous. Like what, this isn't your first crush, not your first makeout, not even your first relationship. But it was... so much more than this. "Me too..." you answer somewhat shaky. You really mean it though.

Coco 👑Today at 1:30 AM

He looks so utterly vulnerable right now and it makes your heart beat just a little bit faster. You know how much he wants to come off as cool and collected even if he's just a big loser so just getting this close... It feels special. It makes you feel like you are special, in the good way for once in your life. "I love you." It slips out before you can even consider what you are saying but well...You do. You did for a while now. You even said it before but it feels so different to say it now.

rootyToday at 1:53 AM

You're not vulnerable, you're cool af. Okay, that's a lie, but one you gotta tell yourself to preserve what little is left of your self-esteem and composure. Except, that 'I love you' completely sweeps the rest of it away too and you start to tear up a little (to be fair, you're exhausted as fuck), which is probably a weird look with that awkward grin of you. You reply, though you mouth your answer mor than you actually speak it. Hopefully Sock can guess what you tried to say.

Coco 👑Today at 2:04 AM

Look at that big sap, does he actually have tears in his eyes? You'd tease him about it under different circumstances but right now? You're not going to ruin this. That reply is more than good enough for you, you honestly didn't expect one at all and that would have been okay too. You answer with some more kisses instead, too scared to ruin the moment if you keep on talking.

rootyToday at 2:10 AM

Kisses. Right, yes, that's a thing you can do. It's like a button got pushed, snapping you out of your deer-in-headlights kinda trance, and you kiss him in return on any spot you can find and reach.

Coco 👑Today at 2:21 AM

The sudden affection makes you chuckle a little. It's nice. You pull Dave as close as you can and carefully wrap your wings around him. This feels right, you can get used to this. The past days? Weeks? Years? Have been so exhausting but it's all worth it for this little moment. It's easy to fall asleep when you are with your boyfriend.

rootyToday at 2:25 AM

Yes. Yes, this is nice. And you don't stop the kisses for a few more moments. You probably won't ever get used to this, but even then, this isn't all that bad.

#ooc #late but #logs

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