#brb lemme go cry

[realredbanana]

Totally random but, I was just reading Erha vol.6 earlier and, respectfully, this actually destroyed me:

‘No one remembered that to raise someone to the heights of worship—demanding he take every step along the path the masses dictated, demanding he only live according to the whims of the people, refusing to let him show the slightest hint of selfish desire—was, at its core, an act of cruelest coercion.’ - pg.117

[brekkie-e]

Oh my god, Bellara's first quest my heart. That got so emotional so quick. I wasn't quite feeling the pacing at first, but the writing snuck up on me, and I was so moved by the end of the last scene. Genuinely, I don't know that I've ever wanted to hug a DA companion more than in that moment? Ever? And I've been in this fandom for a long time.

The way I was immediately analyzing at the end of it because it felt so much like she needed a hug, but it feels purposeful that there wasn't one? Because you're not that close yet. Because she clearly doesn't open up about it this often, and she needed to walk away from the conversation feeling like she hadn't over shared. So hugging would be too much. It would be needing too much. And she doesn't deserve that. Because she feels like she deserves her guilt. God. Wow. Okay, Veilgaurd. I see you regret themes.

[todayisafridaynight]

i have to drive for like two hours tomorrow and all i can think of is old people

[left-handed-shitposter]

To my mother, by your daughter

I have your pain and dad's anger

Two of which that doesn't go well together

I didn't mean to accuse you of any crimes

I'm just a woman who's been told no one too many times

I didn't mean to lash out when you were trying to make me feel better

I just don't know how to react when we are together

I promise I'm trying to set my mind straight

But i know you're getting tired of my constantly confused state

Nobody taught me how to handle the pain

Nor the anger. I tried in vain

Mother Im sorry that Im hurt and angry

I promise I'm only trying to make you proud and happy

But sometimes things get out of hand

My mind spills out like the beach sand

It pulls me down

And burns the ground

Till the glass it makes

Pricks my face

I don't know how you hold the weight

Of dad's anger and your daughters god awful state.

When in first grade I got my first prize

You gazed at me fondly, love in your eyes

Will you still love me the same way

When I tremble slightly and say

"Ma my world is getting too vile

Will you hold me for a little while?"

[ravensmadreads]

your tags are so funny and so cute, i cry every time i read them. esp when you reblog something of mine i wanna frame them on the wall and treasure them forever. just know you're so amazing!! i hope you have a beautiful day. sending you all my love and adoration because you're a wonderful human being who deserves the world and more ❤❤❤

Bestis you're gonna need to tell me who you are so i can go BAT SHIT on your masterlist ??

Not me having the worst start to a year ever and then having the SWEETEST people come out and make me cry happy tears T_T ilyilyily<3

Brb gonna ss this to read every single day and sob violently in the background-

[p4n1cl0v3r]

hello.. im back from reading them.. uh and HUGE spoiler warning, like spoilers for everything cuz i cant keep my mouth shut.. this is also really long so im so sorry if you actually read this 😭😭 i just wanted to yap

OHMYGOD!?

ok. so. chase is burnt out, thats rlly sad 😭 hope he isnt too burnt out that its effecting him way more than he can handle,

his beach boys outfit is adorable. deacon not being on the island and chase being stuck with buddy i knew was gonna be terrible from the start. when i saw chase hand buddy a water bottle to light the fire i thought it was sweet that they were getting along, same with buddy telling chase he can have the second fish.

at first, i thought buddy was hearing the whispers so i didnt really think much of it.

the “buddy being a vampire and chase freaking out” was really funny, i found that hilarious and just chase thinking buddy was cute (even if he said it was in “a jerk way”, it was still nice and i wonder how that will go down (after the most recent chapter)

buddys face when chase pulled the chocolate out looked like a dog seeing a ball, it was adorable ngl

my heart sank when chase made a comment about buddy not being treated well and then buddy shivered.. like hm i seriously wonder how he actually is being treated, yk? like all we see of him is him being a jerk and just genuinely not giving a shit about anyone or anything (until the most recent chapter in which ill get into that in a second..)

deacon was not having a fun time with the seagulls 😭😭😭 rip deacon 😔

the way chase bribed buddy with the last bar of chocolate was so funny

chase hit buddy in the face with a ball 😃👍🏼

buddy then threw chase in the ocean and called him tiny (damn bro making fun of his height, its okay chase is just fun sized ☠️)

buddy with curly wet hair felt weird but it looked nice on him

i found it sweet that chase wanted to help buddy, even if all buddy has been towards him was rude. shows what type of person chase is and it makes me love his character so much, everyone needs their own chase lol

i know buddys main goal is to get the keys, and so it would be very unlikely that he would throw that away to become friends with chase, but man. when chase called him out on it and the shattered heart image in the background… awh man.

the small fight they had was sad, but once buddy left chase was sitting on the ground crying, i may be wrong but i dont think we have seen him crying until now, right? brb lemme go check

ok i like reread the entire thing and few times we saw him cry was when we saw him visit myra for the first time in the story (that we see ofc) and it was just for a split second, and also in the same episode visiting his fathers grave, he seemed to cry a smige more but thats all.

+ while doing the research for that, i realized that in the very first episode chase got a black eye and when he went out of the book, he didnt have it anymore. so (again ill get into this when i get into the most recent chapter and what happened then) but at the same time, the second episode was more of a “hey! this is how this mess started!” sorta thing, so we dont know the timing of it.

in the morning when chase wakes up and sees buddy, from the way buddy is speaking im pretty sure he was upset about the conversation the night before too, as he’s never been that violent with anything towards chase before. im not saying buddy is a violent person, but at the same time, its concerning a bit how he took “the two characters have an argument “ and his anger took over him and make it a hostile argument instead of verbal.

“and if they do make you miserable, you deserve it” hm i get that chase is upset, i mean buddy is quite literally being a psychopath at this point in the story, but man.. when i read that i was just in amazement that that came to mind, i dont blame the guy ofc but still. didnt go over well, buddy seemed to be pretty affected by it, which brings up again, i do genuinely wonder how the ex libris is treating him to make him so easily shaken / angry when its brought up.

buddy hurt chase. now to be fair, chase sorta (i think) kicked him and made buddy land face first in the sand etc. but he didnt draw blood. buddy drew blood, now what i noticed when this happened is buddys first instinct was to drop the spear and instantly basically panic. its clear he didnt genuinely mean to hurt chase, but he still did.

now as said above, we dont know if these injuries can travel from book to real life, as we dont have solid proof that they do. but its obvious, even if its fake, that the characters still feel it, so that must have hurt a lot (ofc it did lynx you dumbass bro is literally bleeding on his face 😒) but if they do travel to the real world, how is chase going to hide it? its a slash under his eye on his cheek, decent size too. doesnt seem that easy to cover. i mean, he does have like 47 skin care products so maybe he can cover it with that somehow but im not sure

back onto the point above, buddy’s first instinct was to (first pause and stare) and then drop the spear, making it clear he didnt mean nor, even want to hurt chase maybe. buddy is usually good with his words and with what he says, it all comes out perfectly as if he is reading a script when he speaks. he was choking on his words, “trying” to explain why that happened.

“n-no, i-“ “i didnt mean that, i just-“ “i wasnt…”

he was obviously not prepared, nor did he want to. again, he was after the keys, he wasn’t after hurting anyone.

(which this is all quite obvious, however i love to yap and i have no friends in person that also like cinderella boy so shush let me nerd out for a sec)

it kinda felt uncomfortable seeing buddy so.. what’s the word? unsettled? upset? surprised? one of those, maybe all three. this entire episode for the most part felt off putting, buddy not being his “ha i dont care, just go away” persona and instead getting pissy (more that usual) and even upset at the end. it just didnt feel right and its so obvious that after this the next story that chase goes into (if he continues) will be so different compared to these when it comes to interactions with buddy.

“youre just a scum, you know that?” YIKES BRO 😭💀💀 chase is uh yeah i just wanted to mention that line

seeing chase with tears in his eyes, obviously looking genuinely scared and saying “all i wanted to do was help” HURT MY SOUL. again, mentioned above, we rarely see him cry, and the only times we did was when visiting his sick mom and his fathers grave. thats it. the fact that hes cried now twice because of something buddy has done is huge, dont ya think?

chase ran away crying, which ykw i dont blame him, buddy’s body language was also a huge giveaway that he genuinely felt bad because again, hes usually so confident in the way he poses, and from the moment he hurt chase to the end of the episode, he was holding himself, just standing there.

also the fact that the last panel is one of the chocolate bar wrappers blowing towards buddy’s feet was also interesting. like putting salt water into a cut yk? (haha get it cuz theyre on a beach island and chase has a cut.. haha.. okay sorry)

SUMMARY/THEORIES

okay so these were a LOT to take in, and chase being already burnt out might be a reason he cried so easily, but you never know. i think buddy gaining chase’s trust without trying and KNOWING (or probably knowing) he had chases trust and just not caring and broke it without a thought kinda sucks, but as said TWICE. we dont know his situation. for example, what if he will get hurt or someone around him will if he doesnt get these keys? we dont know why he does what he does so we cant really excuse nor can we blame him.

i saw them getting along and from that second i knew it was going to end terribly.

my theory is, that when deacon comes back he will see chase hurt and upset, and buddy either will be no where in sight (very likely) or he will be very quiet and not making a single noise in the background. deacon will see chase, probably be really confused and then realize who chase was around. now, im not that great at reading characters.. unless like i study them HARD so all this next stuff just might be bs, but ima say it anyways because its tumblr.

now, i think once they get out of the book, deacon will beg chase to tell him what happened, if he didnt already in the book, even if deacon already knows without saying. deacon, being deacon, will probably panic, and either 1) try to convince chase its a bad idea to continue. 2) try to convince chase to take a break and make deacon do them for a small period of time (very unlikely). or 3) deacon will be hesitant to continue, but if they do then he will be a lot more protective of chase, and possibly look more into books completely without any sort of villain.

its obvious there could ALSO be other scenarios, but these are the ones i came up with. another is that chase could stop completely, and just give up. but thats HIGHLY unlikely as its literally part of the story and silver and bronze will probably try to support him.

now, with the chase and buddy dynamic… oh wowie. this is a slow burn enemies to lovers story, which means this wont be miserable for a long time, however it still asks the question “well how are they going to react towards one another” and my GOOD friends, who the fuck knows. (punko thats who)

however! its impossible for them to go along and pretend it never happened, because its clear they were both hurt by it. even if it wasnt completely just physically. maybe buddy will stop appearing in the books for a second? what if he’s replaced by another member? ikik unlikely. okok, well what if in the stories buddy just stays quiet and entirely follows along with his character? i feel like that wouldnt last long and i dont think buddys that much of a jerk to try and dodge it. chase? i feel like chase would try to dodge it, i mean after this he has to fear buddy a little right? they could also be a lot meaner to one another, but i also see that as very unlikely. i can see chase being more cold, but for some reason i cant imagine buddy being as rude as he was in the beginning, or even rude to being with.

all in all, i really dont know what theory to go with, MAN I WANNA NERD OUT MORE ABT THIS. 😭😭😭 (yk w someone who will actually listen cuz my friends irl dont give a shit)

holy shnizer that was a lot of words... okay well if you read all of that then we might as well be friends cuz man i talk a lot about subjects i like.. BUT YEA. WILD RIDE. WOWIE.

me when it comes to cinderella boy:

[heavyhitterheaux]

One Last Sleep

First Lady of Private Garden Instagram AU

Liked by danivalentine, urbanwyatt, quiiso, claybornharlow, druski2funny, champagnepapi, dualipa, saweetie, and 5,294,846 others

y/ninsta and jackharlow: last sleep until we meet our babies earth side 💕

danivalentine: AHHHH I AM SO EXCITED!!!! urbanwyatt: my best friends in the entire world are about to become parents 😭(I mean they're already the parents of privategarden, but yall get it) saweetie: my bestie makes pregnancy look good! y/ninsta: saweetie I am literally a whale and I have to waddle everywhere, but go off sis lol saweetie: y/ninsta shut up and take the damn compliment smh danivalentine: three more people to love! 2forwoyne: I swear I'm not going to cry when we get to see them quiiso: 2forwoyne but how much you wanna bet urbanwyatt will? softtcurse: quiiso he may have already started lol druski2funny: how much do yall wanna bet that them triplets about to be bad as shit? lmaoooo jackharlow: druski2funny imma kick your ass for that smh y/ninsta: druski2funny they're going to be the perfect little angels! cut it out! lilnasx: can't wait to see yall in yall parent era claybornharlow: you look amazing y/ninsta! I'm glad that since you didn't choose me to be your husband, you're still in the family! jackharlow: claybornharlow what kind of back handed compliment was that? CAN I AT LEAST HAVE ONE DAY OF PEACE BEFORE I'M NOT ABOUT TO GET ANY SLEEP? claybornharlow: jackharlow no. dualipa: step mommy is here and ready for them to make their debut! jackharlow: dualipa I literally cannot with you anymore smh maggieharlow: these last few weeks have flown by! you two are going to be amazing parents! so so proud of the both of you! jackandy/naremyparents: well this is it! OMG three at one time?! lemme go pray for yall because..... WHEW normani: they are going to be absolutely beautiful and have the greatest set of parents! sza: when can I babysit?! jackharlowsource: BRB CRYING allthingsy/n: can't wait until they tell us their names! urbanwyatt: allthingsy/n urban henry wyatt there you go y/ninsta: URBY! CUT IT OUT! urbanwyatt: y/ninsta what I do?!!? theestallion: okay who do we think they're going to look like? yungskylark: theestallion they're definitely going to have curly hair since both of them have it anyway saweetie: hmm I'm thinking baby number 1 looks like y/ninsta dualipa: baby number 2 looks like me jackharlow: DUA! claybornharlow: dualipa you meant me jackharlow: what is WITH you two? quiiso: number 2 is jackharlow up and down and number 3 looks like both y/ninsta: I can tell you from the sonogram, number three doesn't look like me at all lol that's daddy's baby all the way but we'll see

Liked by jackharlow, urbanwyatt, privategarden, claybornharlow, saweetie, dualipa, shloob_, blancahood, and 4,281,093 others

y/ninsta: the cutest date that I ever did see, look at my baby daddy 😍

jackharlow: had to do it one last time as a family of two 😭 urbanwyatt: jackharlow you mean three even though I wasn't invited smh jackharlow: urbanwyatt you went out with Yasmin! cut it out! softtcurse: jackharlow I would have left him at home and went out with yall instead, not going to lie urbanwyatt: and you think you know somebody smh 2forwoyne: hold on, you need to include PG too! we're yall kids! y/ninsta: oh goodness. here we go. shloob_: now we have to fight for their attention once the triplets get here tomorrow quiiso: yes! I second this! jackharlow: we've raised yall for how many years? yall can branch out a little lol danivalentine: yall are so incredibly cute y/ninsta: danivalentine that's my man and imma stick beside him claybornharlow: I mean he's okay, if you're into that I mean y/ninsta: little baby! jackharlow: claybornharlow we literally look alike but go off, I guess jessicakelce: me and blancahood are getting on a plane as we speak! can't wait to see the both of you and meet them! jackharlow: HOLD ON, PAUSE! y/ninsta BABY! y/ninsta: jackharlow RESUME! what's wrong? jackharlow: y/ninsta not the hot chips and bad decisions crew helping out with the newborns. THERE'S ABOUT TO BE HOT CHEETOS STAINS ALL OVER MY HOUSE! jessicakelce: jackharlow THAT WAS ONE TIME AND I WAS DRUNK. LET IT GO! jackharlow: jessicakelce HELL NO, I'M NOT LETTING THAT SHIT GO! blancahood: jessicakelce but there was an entire trail that led us to the bathroom where you were fighting for your life from being hungover y/ninsta: I remember that. good times. jessicakelce: y/ninsta MAYBE FOR YOU, BUT NOT ME! traviskelce: jessicakelce no one told you to down that last drink like it was water, you brought it on yourself lmao jessicakelce: traviskelce that's it. DIVORCE! y/ninsta: LMAOOOO AYE YO 😭😭😭 blancahood: not jess saying she wants a divorce lmao y/ninsta: but yes jackharlow they'll be with us for two weeks jackharlow: y/ninsta TWO WEEKS? BRB, babe. y/ninsta: jackharlow where are you going? jackharlow: y/ninsta to hide all the hot chips and bring them back out when they leave blancahood: jackharlow hmm funny. I'm bringing some in my suitcase and buying a stash when I get there jackharlow: blancahood then your ass needs to eat them outside and wash your hands with the hose before coming back in. if I see one crumb, I'm kicking yall out

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[vacantgodling]

for the ask game - 7, Q, and 🤖 ! - @viscerawrites

thank you for asking! probably gonna talk about paramour bc anything with style makes me think of hya

7. First time they experimented with their personal style

the first time hya experimented with his style was after tagetes took him in when he was like. 18 or so. all his life his hair was short and cut around his ears in a bob, but when he started learning and gaining access to fashion trends and the nobility and shit like that, he started growing his hair out. he wasn't sure how he would feel about it at first but he grew to really love it.

Q. First act of non-sexual intimacy (e.g. washing the other's hair, taking a bath together, sharing food)

wow this is a VERY good question when i think about amon and hya. lemme... peruse my scattered writings and outlines lol.

okay from what i can see (i'm still reworking the outline), its likely the first time is when they share a bed together, naked, but not actually doing anything. its like chapter 13 or so, but that's subject to change. but basically the two of them are staying in the fortresse de humble herbe under the bishop's hospitality, because hya promised aloe that he would be there for his priest-ing shit and impending ordainment. hya had an exhausting day dealing with his family (mainly his stepmother belladonna) and amon has been nowhere to be found all day and that shit is really pissing him the fuck off by the time he goes to bed. he tosses and turns for awhile, until sometime in the early hours of the morning his door opens and he can tell its amon. amon has just had his own stressful encounter in the catacombs under the temple (spoilers cough) and he just wants to sleep but... not in the servents quarters. he goes to hya's room. hya is pissed off but he tells amon to get in bed with him and they don't even end up fucking like amon thought they would they just kinda end up... cuddling???? crazy. not good for either of their hearts (it is, like when tf have either of them gotten hugs ever?? like never). and then it leads to having the closest thing that they have to a heartfelt conversation wherein amon kind of asks hya what he would want out of a romantic relationship, and hya basically says him but like. neither of them really say that but that's basically what they say.

this shit makes me emo im gonna go cry about them brb.

🤖 - First nonhuman character you wrote

technically speaking i've never really gravitated towards making 'fully human' characters, cuz even from a young age i was super obsessed with fairies (i had a bunch of fairy figurines growing up actually, but then all of them got broken when a shelf i had them on collapsed. it really broke me tbh i never got any fairy statues after that even though i probably could now but like i had some expensive ones too like ugh rip that collection) so my first oc "nature girl", i made with my grandmother when i was 3 was like. technically a fairy. so i guess that was my first nonhuman oc lol.

[mochalottie]

My thoughts on the RWRB movie trailer because I get feral about this book and am incredibly picky about details

i've been doubting the chemistry between Alex and Henry and the trailer has given me a tiny bit of hope for what we might get. their smiles, their little looks, the sex scenes (because it will be rated r so no fade to black scenes babes). they work, but it's not quite how I imagined it.

Uma's accent is actually pretty cool. being irish/british i read everything in my head without an accent, so hearing Ellen's 'voice' so to speak is really cool! but if she doesn't give Alex her patented powerpoint presentations i'm going to be upset.

the little look Alex does whilst waiting in line? it's so adorable/such a little shit mood it made me awe a little bit. but the 'how's it going?' with Henry just walking off? that put me off a little. just a tiny bit.

the music works i guess? i mean generic classical music is always going to either be Vivaldi or Handle and it's only the trailer, but i hope they actually get good music.

cakegate is going to be so fucking funny. i can already tell. they got that bit right.

i'm a sucker for small details. but the way that Henry actually turns up for the 'best friend meeting' in the book is so specific. the prince riding up on a horse fresh from a ride through the fields. it's like colin firth in pride and prejudice that's literally how i picture it every time i read it. to replace it with him in a suit driving an admittedly very nice car? with Alex wearing fucking jeans and not his iconic chinos? seriously? also is that shaan??? they haven't gotten rid of him thank god.

the 'my nda's bigger than yours' again is fine?? as a quip?? but the thing about Alex wearing lifts is a good poke at the height differences.

'the sun shine's out his ass and you have a vitamin d defficiancy' YES ZAHRA!!!! the first good quip that had me grinning.

THE CORNETTO SCENE!!! in the wrong clothing again because they're meant to be in cosy relaxing clothes but STILL!!!

HOSPITAL SCENE!!!!! HOSPITAL SCENE THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Henry looks like he's in physical pain at the party, and also Alex's suit no ew where's June when you need her. oh yeah. not here. that's why the costumes are all off XDD

the first kiss scene is perfect. word for word i can't wait to squeal and cry and shriek the roof down.

yes we're getting the karaoke scene. but it won't be with their iconic kimonos. brb gonna go sob for the loss of hoe dameron and prince buttercup.

POLO!!!

yes to Zahra and the closet scene. no to 'Brexit your head from your body' that's just...giving me the heebie jeebies for some reason. yes to 'your royal highness' XD

feel forever about him ughhhhhhhh lemme just sob for a sec

DAVID!!!! <33333 and Prince Henry belongs to England TTTT__TTTT

also I know they probably changed the queen to a king because it would have been in poor taste but now that charles is king that shot is giving off vibes of recent times that are just not good. they should've kept it as a queen and made her look completely different.

We're getting the rain scene!!!!!!! and the lake!!!!!!!!!!!

the ass grabbing? yes it's a very Alex move but mate there's people right behind you

okay but truthfully? seriously? i love this fucking book. i know to most readers it's a silly little romcom with some politics on the side. and that's what we should expect from the film. but to me? this is my favourite fucking book of all time. it was the one that if I became a film director or producer i would have adored to produce. both henry and alex are my comfort gays, but in ways that not many people realise or connect with.

alex realises he's bi in the book. i realised i was bi a few days before reading the book. everything he goes through i related to hard. and having that, that connection to someone who isn't real but very much could be was a godsend through a period of a lot of confusion.

henry lost his dad to pancreatic cancer a few years before the book. i lost my dad to a brain tumour when i was eleven. it will be ten years this year, and the movie comes out a week before his anniversary. that passage where Bea so beatifully describes his grief, the one that begins with 'it happens when you're young' made me sob so much because that's exactly what it feels like. i relate to these characters, i love their little quirks and details. and it's a bit disappointing the changes that have happened as it's adapted to film.

and i know it can't be directly faithful, that there are some things you can't fit in because you have a certain runtime. i know also that the executive producers and companies have a say in how it goes. but there were better ways to change it, better ways to do it rather than handing it over to a streaming service.

this book is so important to me, so i hope at least that when the film does come out on the 11th of August that i will at least kind of enjoy it. i know it won't be what i wished it would be, but at least it's being made.

and who knows, maybe no one will touch boyfriend material and i could make that instead XD

[sebastiansluts]

Sad thot pls forgive me

Ignore if u don’t like angst

Imagine reader having a traumatic mission maybe one of her close one dies on that mission and she’s still covered in blood holding them when the help arrived but it was all too late. Bucky was already rushing through the ER but imagine his surprised when he find out reader was looking okay. When he asked reader was all like “it’s fine I don’t wanna talk about it” and he ofc understands. Bucky was worried but he didn’t wanna push so he just let her be. He noticed reader hasn’t shower and hasn’t change clothes since after she gets patched. When the reader tries to go shower she starts to panic bcs there’s still blood in her body. She’s wiping the blood and in her pov it just won’t come off and Bucky being Bucky starts to get worry and knocks on her door but all she said was “a min” and he tries again “hey do you want help?” But she’s just starts hyperventilating and be like “I’m fine go away” however Bucky was like fuck it imma break this door. When he opens the door the reader just snaps like “I said I’m fine” and stands there without her clothes and starts crying. Then she meltdown and said “the blood won’t come off” eventho there is no blood and Bucky just shushes her and be like “let me help you” and reader is just okay. And Bucky starts to autopilot and wash her body gently while she cries. Bucky helps her with everything even the basic stuffs like putting on clothes, do her skincare, feeding her, etc cause he knows what it feels like to lose someone so he basically nurse her till she’s fine

AHAHHHAHAHA IM SAD LEMME KMS BRB

Ps. If it doesn’t make sense it’s cause I’m literally on my last braincell and autopiloting everything coz im sad ☺️🥹

~beluga🐳

Awwww babe, this is intense!!!! i love it though it's so good like i could see it happening!! he'd be so sweet be so gentle and kind and not judging at all. he'd never let you feel embarrassed about it either, and he'd take care of you forever

you okay love? i'm sorry you're sad :( i'm sending you a biggggg hug!!!! i love you!!!

[idksmtms]

I’m here just to compliment your writing, I am gonna praise you more tomorrow for sure

I-

Brb lemme go cry for a minute before getting back to my writing. This is literally giving me all the validation I've ever craved lmaoooo

[moonyzstarz]

Brb lemme go cry for moment—

dan heng, Dan heng IL (hsr, romantic)

Dan heng received a mysterious mail. The letter was cased in a beautiful elegant white and gold envelope. The envelope is decorated with small real golden roses and gold stripes decorating the sides of the envelope. The effort can be seen on the envelope alone about how.. How much emotion is put into this letter.

The letter itself is nothing short of elegance, the hand writing is.. Uniquely familiar to dan heng for some reason. But he couldn't tell why. The letter was unsigned and it is fully unknown who the sender is and how it arrived here.

My dearest dragon,

I wish to be able to stand by your side.. Though you may not remember me, no, i know that you don't remember be, but alas i am indeed was once, and is still, you, your past self's, imbibitor lunae's husband. His "mate" If you will.

My heart broke when i heard the news that he was sent to the shackling prison for a forced rebirth. And it broke even more when i heard that he, well, you, will be banished from the luofu. It has been decades, yet i still wish to be able to see you again. To be able to hold my, was once, lover again.

You don't know how happy- no, ecstatic i was when i accidentally saw you in the devine commission. You looked different, but also the same at the same time. I know it's you, dan feng. We were once, and is still bonded. I wanted to approach you, to hug you, to hold you again. But i hesitated, fearing that i might just be hallucinating. Or that you might no even remember me.

The latter was confirmed when you just asked me for directions, seemingly not recognizing who i am. It broke me deeply, but i do not wish to bring my burdens of the past over to you.

Therefore with this letter, this will be my final and last words dedicated to you. Dedicated to my, was once, lover.

my most beautiful sun.. I wish to be able to hold you again.

𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜! 𝙣𝙤𝙗𝙪’𝙨 𝙢𝙖𝙞𝙡 𝙙��𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙞𝙘𝙚!

to: dan heng from honkai star rail

the events at the xianzhou luofu was certainly draining to the astral express crew. if not, more so to certain someone of the crew than the rest simply because it brought back so many old and unfamiliar memories to him. unfamiliar memories, feelings and emotions rushing through him with so much vigor, ones that doesn’t even belonged to him but to someone else entirely. so it would be safe to say that dan heng wanted nothing to do with his past reincarnation and his feelings and memories.

but you can’t just get what you wish for, right?

even after coming back to the familiar warmth of the express and its surroundings, accompanied by the feeling of safety his companions bring, dan heng was still restless. there was this… odd feeling inside him. as if something had been awakened and was begging to be let out for an inkling of a moment ever since he asked a stranger with an eerily familiar face about directions on the xianzhou.

he tried to escape the weird feeling of deja vu by sleeping yet it only served to bring more torment rather than rest that he so desperately seek. in his dreams, he would see his past self — dan feng, with the old familiar faces that he always sees.

there’s the foxian woman — bright, cheerful and full of life — jumping around, giggling at things and bringing forth joy to the group of five. there’s the light blue haired woman, whom he later on recognized as jingliu — cold as the element she wields and yet with a certain hint of warmth alongside it, sipping on wine from the small jade cup. there’s the arrogant blacksmith, yingxing and the former self of blade before he was tainted by mara — laughing along with his friends, pointing a few fingers and saying a joke. there’s jing yuan — younger, more wild, rebellious and with a certain hints of cockiness that his current jaded self lacked.

and then there’s dan feng, his past reincarnation, the one who brought this suffering and pain onto him, the one who is refusing to let him live on, the one who is so cold and cruel and… huh? was he mistaken when counting? why had this group went from 5 to 6? who was this new face amongst the group?

this new face that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere in his dreams, or was it memories?, was kind and gentle yet carrying a hint of strength under it. seemingly a simple man at first glance but proving himself to be more with the way he carried himself. elegant, regal yet so humane. this new man approached dan feng, greeting his fellow friends and comrades with a few jokes and podding here and there as he reaches the former high elder. but when reaching the high elder, the two shared a kiss. the vidyadhara visibly softening, teal eyes staring at the man with hearts in his eyes as his tail wraps around the man’s ankle possessively.

ah, that explains it. they were lovers. or in vidyadhara terms, in dan feng’s eyes, his mate. his other half. the one he promised himself and his life to for the rest of his life. the soft teal colored mark of a dragon on the back of the man’s neck proved it.

seeing them, dan heng felt an odd emotion swirling in his chest. was he… jealous? but how could be jealous when he was dan heng and not his past self? he was dan heng, not dan feng and that man was not his mate. yet he still felt it. that annoying green monster swirling in his chest and refusing to leave. but his jealousy was at least slightly explained when he woke up that morning, with the strange letter on top of his currently reading book.

teal eyes skimming through the letter, taking in every word and syllable, rereading it over and over again, did he come to a conclusion. sudden and unexpected but the astral expressers accepted and supported his decision nonetheless.

“himeko, i need to visit the luofu for… a reason. there’s someone i would like to meet. again”

with that, the dragon set out to reunite with his husband. with his mate. just a single moment to clarify the person’s words on the letter — was what he was lying to himself about. when in truth, he knew that there was more to it. the dragon wanted to meet his husband again. the dragon wished to hold his mate again. dan heng, wanted to reunite with his lover again.

“and this time, nothing will tear us apart”

[hisuianhellion]

(shiny) pikipek mail

a bag of New York bagels

I............. I love you.

I'mma go eat almost all of these in one sitting and cry with happiness brb I'm in heaven

Also I recognize that Pikipek, they're a pretty li'l thing! Lemme give 'em a grain cake, that tends to be somethin' birbs like.

Always tip your service 'mons! Make sure they feel appreciated for delivering stuff and helping out!

[milksnake-tea]

Send to 10 other bloggers you think are wonderful. Keep this going to make someone smile. ☆♥ ♡♡♡

CRYING UGLY TEARS RN EISISIDJSJJDJS TYYYYYY OKAY BRB LEMME RAID MY MOOTS

[prettybbychim]

bro Bro i haven’t touched my ao3 uploads w a ten-foot pole since they were posted basically

i commented on a fic last night so i was looking at my inbox and i started reading previous comments i’ve received when i usually just tunnel-vision on the newest reply i got

and like

i forgot how fucking sweet these comments are like did i ever actually take these in and absorb them

i might actually cry bc i feel so..warm and thankful and i just!!

i’ve only remembered the bad ones - the two hate anons and the few unwanted criticisms. i’ve let them ruin me and i’ve let them stop me from something i do enjoy. i don’t enjoy much at all and i let them take that from me

and that makes me angry because the bullies won and i refuse to give them the satisfaction

brb gonna go write something out of spite

big Fuck You to the hateful commenters

big Lemme Smooch to the lovely commenters do u like coffee or tea i will bake us a cake to share

[almostempty]

You might be a fast runner or a sharpshooter, but young girls aren’t known to fare well on the battlefield.

(But what if I had a 🗡️)

Obviously, you’re gorgeous

I’m blushing.

You rarely stop to mingle with Colleen

But but I need to know Colleen’s nail tech

His first interaction with you aside from your initial greeting, begins with a headache

lololol this is about me

Do you want Advil? I have some in my purse

YOU KNOW I always keep that thang on me or at least have a couple loosies

Hold out your hand unless you want me to feed them to you,” you say jokingly

!! Feed him !! Feed him !! Put your fingers in his mouth

“You’re a fuckin’ angel, you know that?”

Didn’t know I needed him to say that to me but now I’ll never rest

Depends on the underwear, he thinks

Heheheheh

Javi, stupidly, has forgotten that you're not privy to any of this, so you endure 25 minutes of conversation time before asking, "Who's Connie?"

I cackled at this hahahahah

"Okay, fine. I was not listening…”

He’s such a shitass I’m giggling weeeeee

Really, Javi's a mopey zoo lion if anything

HAHAHAH stop!!

there is a mutual knowledge and acceptance that Steve is cock-blocking Javi. It's for everyone's benefit.

Honestly cockblock!steve is such a real one, he’s always just curmudgeonly and self absorbed enough ya know? Hahaha

"We can still go out, right, Javi?" you ask

Me preparing to cry rn if he says no 🥺

It takes only one word to seal his fate, but he gives you five.

I love that line, it’s got me silly smilin’

so he can't put his arm around the back of your seat and you can't lean on him when you start to feel tipsy

☹️☹️ how does he know my fav moves, come over here and lemme leaaaaan on you bb

he keeps his hands – respectfully, protectively, friendly – on you. Just an arm around your shoulder, or your hand in his at most scandalous.

YEAH YEAH!! Yeah!!

You leave him with a kiss on the cheek, and he hopes that it means less to you than it does to him.

They are stronger than me 🫡 respect

Watching you get whisked away by the bartender, Javi sighs a little too loudly, prompting Murphy to inquire, “you jealous

AHHHH I LOVE WHEN THEY GET JEALOUS

I’m a simple lady ok

“No. I’m gonna go… mingle,” he says

NOOOOOO I HATE WHEN I GET JEALOUS

“Okay, I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk about it.”

+

“Fuck off. We agreed that I’m not sleeping with her – I did not take a vow of celibacy.”

I can picture these two and their attitudes perfectly heheheheh

“Tell him I left to fuck his wife.”

Hahahahah

You keep your eyes pointed at your feet and he keeps his hands by his sides. It feels like you’re strangers who happen to be walking at the same pace, to the same destination. There’s nothing more to say

Owww can you remove the dagger from my soft heart

“Oh, so we’re not good enough for you? I’m offended,” Javi says, sarcastically, but there’s a grain of truth deep down

—me when I flirt and expect someone to read between the lines then complain about miscommunication

Each outfit has a matching set of lingerie, so you have to see that too in order to accurately judge

OMG I LOVE HER

He has the tendency to get attached even in the most casual of situations, so he’d never dare make an occasion out of sex

We know he falls in love with everyone 💗

Javi is stupid enough to think that this means you'll skip the date

Me

“Yeah. How do you want me?” he asks

HO BOY LET ME GET MY LIST - unfurls comically long scroll ���

He does the right thing the first time – he calls up Gabriela and fucks her like he hates her, tips her real well afterwards

Brb I gotta touch grass real quick

"I need to forget," you tell him, and he knows exactly what that means

💗💗💗💗💗

if you consider sex a party

Heheh why not

"I'm gonna cum."

"I know. That's the goal.”

Stop!! (Don’t) the attitude is making my laugh like a looney, too good!!

He doesn't wait for an answer before lifting you over his shoulder

Pls lug me to your cave Javi 🙌🙌

The second time you say 'fuck' is when Javi tells you he'll go grab a condom from his wallet – which is in his jeans, which are somewhere near the front door – and you say 'fuck it'.

!! Chanting and shaking the bars of my enclosure

"Make me forget."

Yes yes yes

"I want you to hurt me."

I don't want to hurt you

AHHHH

Good" is the only word he says, though it's clearly not 'good' because Steve looks more pissed off than he's ever seen him

HEHEHEHEHEHH

Stay," you say, tugging him by the hand, so he falls back into bed

Yes yes yes yes

For him, it's deeper than that. You're deeper inside him than he ever was inside you.

Owwwww hurts so good

He wakes up beside you, feeling hungover despite not having any alcohol the night before. It's the vague sense of guilt and confusion, the way he feels more awake than the night before but less awake than he should after a full night's rest.

I can feel this SO viscerally

His eyes linger on you for too long while he fantasizes, long enough for you to notice – for you to begin to see him for who he is.

CAN you come over and hold my hand while I read this and scream with meee over all of it

You sleep together again, but you don't have sex

OOH not the infinitely more intimate version of sleeping together fr

I'd do anything for you

Same

You call periodically at first, but the calls get more sporadic until they disappear entirely

OWWWWWW

There are two open barstools, one on each side of a woman he can only see from the back. He chooses the one to her right. She looks like you, he thinks, just a slightly different haircut.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Yeah, I will be, once my boyfriend gets our bags

NOOOOO GIRL WHYYY IM ON MY KNEES

uhhhhh, that was fantastic and I had totally casual and normal responses while reading it. hurt me again pls bb

my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder

pairing: javi p x reader

cws/tags: angst, p in v, oral, idk? drinking? canon death mention? javi pov

summary: reader, a dea agent, arrives in medellin (season 2 time) and quickly forms a bond w javi. are they just friends or is it something more?

a/n: there is a part 2 which will give the full picture (hopefully)

wc: 8.6k

taglist:

@gothcsz @onlyasimp4-2dbitches

There was Helena, and then, Gabriela, before that, Vanessa, and certainly some others here and there, but with all of them, Javi had his expectations set upfront. Or at least, he thought he did, he tried to, but he'd be lying if he said Helena only came to mind when he was lonely in the middle of the night, naked and unable to sleep. 

Elisa was a mistake, an unfair mistake that was dropped off at his doorstep before he could tell himself that this doesn't mean anything. There must've been some self-preservation instincts in him that held him back from begging her for more, from moping around after she left. He risked a lot for her, but he would've risked more if she'd let him.

Prostitutes and wanted communists are one thing, but you are something else. Javi can't quite put his finger on what that something else is yet, and it’s too late once he figures it out. 

In the beginning, Javi was skeptical of you, mostly because you came to Medellin with Messina and crew, and he falsely assumed that being her subordinate meant you would take her side if there were ever to be conflict between her and Javi – and there was from their very first conversation.

More than skeptical, he was intrigued. Being sent to Colombia to participate in the fight against Escobar was usually reserved for higher-ups with a much longer tenure, or fresh meat for the front-lines. As a newcomer, that meant that you were either a highly-skilled agent in the field of investigation or you volunteered yourself – likely unknowingly – to be slaughtered. You might be a fast runner or a sharpshooter, but young girls aren’t known to fare well on the battlefield.

Once he’s determined that you’re not a threat, you’re a coworker. You keep to yourself. You don’t seem shy, just focused, and for that Javi is grateful. Considering the fact that he’s forced to work with the people he deems to be ‘RIP’ and a fuckton of bureaucracy, you make his life easier. 

Obviously, you’re gorgeous. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder or whatever but he sees the way others look at you. He notices because he is also looking. You walk with confidence, but not arrogance. You traverse the halls with purpose, but not urgency. You rarely stop to mingle with Colleen and only exchange cordial glances with men who would melt if you gave them any more attention than that. 

His first interaction with you aside from your initial greeting, begins with a headache. It’s the phone ringing, then the keys clicking on the typewriter, even the tick of the clock gets to him. He groans - somewhat dramatically - and puts his head in his hands. 

“Agent Peña,” you pipe up from beside him. “Are you okay?”

“Just a headache. I’ll recover.”

“Do you want Advil? I have some in my purse.”

“Yes, please.”

You dig through a sizable bag until you find a small bottle. You carefully shake two caplets out and pour the excess back inside their container, closing the cap tightly before putting it back in your purse. 

“Hold out your hand unless you want me to feed them to you,” you say jokingly. 

He opens his palm and takes the offering, greedily swallowing the pills dry. 

“You should really take those with water,” you say. 

“Does coffee work?” He presents the near-empty mug on his desk to you, swirling the contents. 

“Here,” you say, giving up your water bottle. 

“You’re a fuckin’ angel, you know that?” he says, before taking a gulp of your water, tasting the chapstick on the rim. Cherry. It leaves a pink stain that matches the color of your nails.  

When he returns the bottle to you, you seem oddly flustered. He meant angel as in miracle worker not as in divinely gorgeous woman, though both could be used to describe you. You should know that, he thinks. 

“Not really,” you say with a breathy laugh. “I’m just prepared for any surprise Aunt Flo could bring me.”

“Huh?” Javi’s a man without sisters, daughters, or a wife, he’s never heard the expression. 

“My period.” 

Honestly, he’s impressed at how plainly you say it, shameless as you should be. 

“Ah.”

“She makes me more of a demon than anything, but it means I’ve got a whole pharmacy in here.”

“Got anything fun?”

“Not unless you find enjoyment in a handful of tampons and a spare pair of underwear.”

Depends on the underwear, he thinks. They’re probably modest, but you’d look good in fuckin’ granny panties. By the end of the day, he’s imagined you in just about everything.

At the time, Javi's not interested in flirting with you. It's not a conscious effort not to get involved, he's just so caught up in everything else that there's little time to think about romancing you. 

Even the night he and Steve first invite you for drinks, it's sheerly for the sake of camaraderie. In fact, it was Steve's idea, not his. Murphy thought you looked lonely – in retrospect, Javi thinks it might've been projection. Javi agreed to invite you out of pure interest in what you'd be like outside of the office.

Nice. That's the best way he could describe it. Likable.

You all get drunk. Javi watches your professional facade slip as you’re swaying in your seat to the rhythm of the current hits on the radio. Your skin, dewy with summer sweat, makes you glow like an angel in the dim light of the bar.

It takes Steve a drink and a half to bring up his marriage problems. Javi, stupidly, has forgotten that you're not privy to any of this, so you endure 25 minutes of conversation time before asking, "Who's Connie?"

"Steve's wife," Javi says.

"Where is she?"

"Miami."

"I've never heard you talk about her before."

"Because he's in hot water," Javi, again, is the one to answer.

"I can answer for myself, thank you." Steve insists.

And so Javi lets Steve talk - he's probably heard it all before - and he lets himself have a break. Just a little break, no one will notice if he lets his mind wander for a second. Really, he's mostly listening, he thinks.

"Javi." Murphy's voice from across the table is oddly stern.

"What?" Javi mirrors his tone.

"What do you think I should do?"

"About what?"

"Connie."

"I don't know."

"Were you even listening?"

"Yeah, of course." 

It takes one long stare to get him to break. "Okay, fine. I was not listening. Tell me one more time."

You excuse yourself from the table to use the restroom, and it feels like you've fed him to the wolves – rightfully so.

"You like her." It's not a question. It's a statement, whispered as if Murphy cares about the confidentiality of Javi's love life or lack thereof.

"It's not like that." But Javi can't meet his eyes.

"I know sleeping around usually works for you, but I don't want you to fuck this up. Not right now when we're so close."

What he means is: do not fuck her. It should be simple – and to Steve's credit, he's right. But the thing is that Javi doesn't just want to fuck you. It's not like that.

"What do you think I am? An animal?" Javi asks.

Yes, he absolutely does. To him, Javi is a tiger, waiting to pounce on whatever prey he can get his hands on. Really, Javi's a mopey zoo lion if anything.

When he notices you making your way across the room, he changes the subject. "Anyway, I think you should call Connie, and tell her how you feel. Just be honest."

"That's what I said," you beam with pride, as if you've gotten the answer right.

Looking into Murphy’s bloodshot eyes, he adds, "But you've gotta sober up first."

"I agree," you say, and Javi only notices now how you slur your words.

He convinces you both to go home with the promise of a second hangout next week. It's an empty promise – he just needs to get you home safe. He assumes you won't remember in the morning. But come next Friday, you approach him, and ask if you're going to the same bar you went to the weekend prior.

It was an empty promise, but one he decides to keep.

It becomes a weekly thing. The three of you. You all get along perfectly well, but if this were any other circumstance, if you were any other beautiful woman, Javi would've pulled Steve to the side and told him to pound sand. But there is a mutual knowledge and acceptance that Steve is cock-blocking Javi. It's for everyone's benefit.

Your group hangouts typically begin and end at the same bar down the street.

The friend group arrangement works until it doesn't. Until Murphy has plans.

"How the fuck do you have plans? Your wife is in another country," Javi asks bitterly.

"Unlike you, my life isn't centered around women I want to sleep with," Steve says with less bite because he knows he's won the conversation.

Fuck Murphy. Javi was tired of hearing him bitch about Connie anyway. But you. He could never get tired of you.

"We can still go out, right, Javi?" you ask, and he's fairly sure it's the first time you've ever called him by his first name.

He doesn't have time to find an excuse to say no when he's pushing away every knee-jerk flirtation in his mind.

"Yeah," he says, "of course we can."

It takes only one word to seal his fate, but he gives you five.

That evening he sits across from you rather than next to you, so he can't put his arm around the back of your seat and you can't lean on him when you start to feel tipsy. Instead, he has to try to pay attention while you're looking him in the eyes, smiling at him and no one else.

When you decide to call it a night, and you stumble on your way out the door, Javi grabs hold of your arm, steadying you.

"I'm gonna walk you home," he says. Not an offer, a statement of fact.

"I got it," you say, patting him on the chest in thanks.

"No, you don't." He sighs as he leads you against your will, trying not to let your stupid grin get to him.

As you walk past the lit-up buildings filled with young singles dancing with their bodies pressed up against each other covered in sweat and spilled drinks – the nightlife of Medellin, a song escapes one nightclub that you recognize, and you begin to sing along. Your tune isn't bad, but your lyrics are far from correct.

Javi laughs heartily, unable to hold it in.

"What? You don't like it?"

"No, I love it – it's original. I love the way you've completely changed the lyrics."

"You're so mean, Javier!" You playfully shove him – or attempt to, but you end up falling into his arms.

He takes your hands in his, holding you upright. 

“It’s ‘hold me closer, tiny dancer’, not ‘hold me closer, Tony Danza’,” he says. 

“Okay, fine,” you say, hands still clasped in his, swaying a bit, coaxing him into dancing with you slowly. 

Halfway through the song, he’s leading you, step-by-step, twirling you like a ballerina because he loves the way you laugh when he does it. 

Though you’re the one that needs help standing, you keep him on his toes too. The words are no longer ‘Tony Danza’, nor ‘tiny dancer’ - it becomes ‘hold me closer, Javi Peña’. 

For the rest of the walk, he keeps his hands – respectfully, protectively, friendly – on you. Just an arm around your shoulder, or your hand in his at most scandalous.

It takes you a moment to unlock your door as you fiddle with the keys – their clinking metal being the only sound echoing through the halls of the apartment building. Anticipatory silence. He won't come into your apartment, he knows that. You're too drunk to consent to anything. You leave him with a kiss on the cheek, and he hopes that it means less to you than it does to him.

“It’s kinda like Cheers when you think of it,” you note off-handedly.

“In what way?” Javi asks like he’s challenging you.

“Well, we’re always at the same bar.”

“Oh yeah? ‘Where everybody knows your name’? The bartender still calls you ‘señorita’.”

“He calls me ‘gringo’,” Steve mumbles into his glass.

As it turns out, the bartender does know your name, and just as Sam Malone would, he makes out with you in a room marked ‘employee’s only’.

Watching you get whisked away by the bartender, Javi sighs a little too loudly, prompting Murphy to inquire, “you jealous?”

“No. I’m gonna go… mingle,” he says, turning towards the area that has become a dancefloor over the course of the night.

“Okay, I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk about it.”

“Fuck off. We agreed that I’m not sleeping with her – I did not take a vow of celibacy.”

Murphy doesn’t stay to watch Javi find an eligible woman to suck him off in the women’s room. Instead, he closes his tab and asks the bartender – the one not making his way from second to third base with you - to relay a message to Javi when he inevitably comes looking. 

“What do you want me to tell him?” The man – unamused, but bored enough to entertain him - asks.

“Tell him I left to fuck his wife.”

The bartender seems to think it’s funny enough, especially when he already harbors certain negative feelings towards Javi for reasons that may or may not be justifiable, depending on who you ask. 

Javi learns of this later when he closes out his own tab, but before he does so, he has a mission to see through. 

Barely concealed by a stall door that could use a new coat of paint and some WD-40 on the hinges, Javi is about to tell this woman - whose name he’s already forgotten - not to leave any marks above his collar, but then, he remembers you, and says nothing, only groans when her teeth scrape the skin on his neck.

He brushes this need to ‘conquer’ off as a typical rivalry between friends. When your friend exits the room to go hook up with someone, it’s your duty as a man to find a mate of equal social stature to theirs, and engage in at least some heavy petting by the end of the night. Or at least, that’s how it worked back in college – which, come to think of it, was about a lifetime ago for Javi. Looking back, he realizes that those nights taught him the infinitely valuable skill of bullshitting his way in and out of situations.

Though, he tells you the absolute truth of who, what, where, and how it all went down for him that night on your walk home. He only omits the why.

“Are we going back to the same place next week?”

“I thought we already established that we go there every week, just like they do in Cheers,” he says.

“Can we go somewhere else next time?”

“Why? It seemed like you were having a good time back there,” Javi teases.

“I guess…” you mumble, kicking gravel aimlessly down the sidewalk. “But he wants to see me again.”

Javi hums as if he understands.

“I just don’t wanna get caught up in anything serious, you know?”

“Oh, but I’m the asshole when I say I’m not good at commitment?”

“That was Steve, not me, and to his credit, you said you left someone at the altar. You committed and then you backed out. You broke a promise – that’s why you’re an asshole.”

“Then, she dodged a bullet by not marrying an asshole like me.”

The rest of the walk home is silent. Tense, and not the good kind. 

This is not the climax of the movie where Javi pushes you up against the wall next to your apartment door, and you engage in the steamiest makeout session allowed on cable television – the kind where you pull away panting, take one look into each other’s eyes and realize you’ve been in love all along. 

You keep your eyes pointed at your feet and he keeps his hands by his sides. It feels like you’re strangers who happen to be walking at the same pace, to the same destination. There’s nothing more to say. 

Until you reach your apartment, and when the two of you part ways, you say to him, “I’m sorry I called you an asshole.”

“It’s okay.” I’m used to it, he thinks. “People have said a lot worse about me.”

With Connie and Olivia back in Miami, Steve has a spacious apartment to himself, which is where the three of you decide to congregate after your little hook-up with the bartender the week prior.

Buying a case of beer from the convenience store is much more cost-efficient, and Steve can easily talk to his wife on the phone when he gets a little too drunk and misses her, leaving you and Javi in his living room together.

Briefly, you both listen to him murmur into the handset, cradling it like a baby. If it were someone else, you might gossip, at least speculate, but there’s nothing salacious about it, and despite the fact that Steve will one day return home to his loving wife, beating all of the odds currently stacked against them, it’s not a tale of epic romance. Not that Javi knows anything about romance anyway. 

You and Javi sit in the living room, chatting about nothing important, mostly bitching about work and how there’s never anything good on TV anymore. But then, out of nowhere, as if it’s nothing special, you mention a man – a colleague, but the DEA is a large organization, so Javi is unfamiliar with him.

“He asked me out.”

“Did you accept?”

“Yeah, I figured, why not? You know? I feel like I should get to know more people. I really only hang out with you and Murphy.”

“Oh, so we’re not good enough for you? I’m offended,” Javi says, sarcastically, but there’s a grain of truth deep down.

“You know you’ll always be my favorite, Javi.” You lean your head on him and he hadn’t realized how close you were sitting until now.

“Yeah, yeah.” Javi nudges you with his elbow, pushing you away despite himself. “Now, tell me about this guy you’re going out with.”

“He’s really sweet, and like super polite… a gentleman,” you decide.

“Oh, so you like a ‘nice guy’? Someone you can bring home, someone who holds the door open for you…”

“I guess. He’s pretty handsome, too. He’s got brown hair, and pretty brown eyes – kinda like yours.”

You smile, so he smiles. But, how can you say that with such levity?

Because he’s just a friend to you.

You've truly formed a bond with Javi by the time you step into the dating scene in Colombia. So much so that you ask Javi for his opinions on what you should wear for your third date – just as you did for your first and second.

"Either you're great with fashion advice or you're my good luck charm," you say. "So, I need you to tell me which looks best."

"Okay. Go put on outfit number one before I get bored and fall asleep on your couch."

"I'll be quick, I'll be quick. You can pour yourself a drink if it'll keep you awake."

He's never been one to turn down a drink, but what keeps him awake is your 'fashion show'.

"This is outfit number one," you say, smiling in your classic little black dress.

"Beautiful," he says honestly.

"And then," you say as you begin to unzip your dress.

"Whoa-"

"What?"

"Why are you getting undressed?"

For the first time, he's nervous to see a woman naked.

"Each outfit has a matching set of lingerie, so you have to see that too in order to accurately judge."

He gestures for you to continue and tries to keep his expression neutral. And his dick soft.

It's torturous to see you stress so much when he knows the guy doesn't deserve the sight of you like this. Neither does he, for that matter.

"You really like him?" He asks.

"I mean, yeah sure, he's nice, and he's good-looking"

"But you're not over the moon about him." He can hear it in your voice. You don't deserve to settle.

"No, but you can have sex with someone you're not over the moon about - you, especially would know that, Peña."

"Yeah, but I don't dress up all fancy just to have sex."

He has the tendency to get attached even in the most casual of situations, so he’d never dare make an occasion out of sex.  

You sigh. "I guess I do, or else I wasted a shit ton of money on lingerie."

"Fuck the money. Do you actually wanna fuck this guy? 'Cause you know you don't have to. It's not a written rule."

Javi surprises himself with how much of his dedication to making sure you're making the right decision is out of genuine platonic care for you and not jealousy for the man who might get the chance to sleep with you.

"I know I don't have to, but I want to, and I want to look good for him because I want to make a good impression."

He shrugs, dissatisfied. You don't get it, you'll make a good impression no matter what you wear. Any guy would be lucky to get the opportunity to sleep with you, he could say, but it would come off wrong.

His silence allows you time for thought, for worry. Seemingly, apropos of nothing, you ask him if he's ever had sex with a woman who was 'bad in bed'.

"Sort of, not really. Nothing really bad, but I've had times where we're both pretty drunk and it's just… not great. One time I hit my head on the wall." He smiles at the stupidity and you laugh.

"Sorry. I'm sure it hurt."

"It hurt like hell, but it wasn't totally her fault. Another time, a girl's phone would not stop ringing, and she eventually picked it up and it was her mom telling her that her grandma died."

"Did she kick you out or did you stay to comfort her?"

"Depends on what you mean by 'comfort'."

"You did not continue fucking her."

"I did. But, as you can imagine, the mood was kind of ruined."

"Luckily both of my grandmas are already dead, so that won't be an issue."

"See? There you go. Just don't drink too much, make sure he doesn't hit his head and maybe take your phone off the hook."

But you continue to spiral through worries, telling Javi each and every one of them while he sits at the foot of your bed.

Will you bring your date back here? Is the only worry in his own mind. 

Eventually, he asks you, "do you like him? Yes or no. And I mean really like."

"Yes."

"Do you trust him?"

"I don't not trust him."

"That's not the question I asked."

"It's hard to make a blanket statement saying that I trust someone. Trust him with what? To save my place in line, a briefcase holding a million dollars, my life?"

"Let me ask you this way then, who do you trust?"

"My mom, my sister, Murphy, you…"

"When you say you trust me, what does that mean for you?"

"I've trusted you with my life many times before and I'd do it again. But in our jobs we have to put our lives on the line."

"If he had my job would you trust him like you trust me?"

"Not as much as I trust you."

And somehow Javi is stupid enough to think that this means you'll skip the date, maybe even schedule one with him, but you go as you planned to – if he were able to look at you dressed in lingerie and keep his opinions completely detached and as objective as possible, he would say you should go with the red set because it looked the best. But he hopes, selfishly, that you saved it for his eyes only.

As most relationships do, that one ends. The man - whose name Javi rid his mind of - breaks up with you. You lament over it for about a week and then move on.

Javi lets you cry it out with your face buried in his t-shirt, staining the fabric with mascara tears. It was his favorite, but he rubs your back and holds you closer instead of telling you to stop using him as a tissue.

“It’s his loss,” he says along with all the typical phrases one expects to hear after a devastating breakup.

But what makes you feel better is when Javi suggests you watch the episode of Cheers he’d taped earlier that week.

“Can I lie down while we watch?” you ask.

“Yeah. How do you want me?” he asks because the couch is the only piece of furniture facing the TV, which means you’ll have to share it. 

“You wanna lie down behind me? You could be the big spoon.”

He nods, lying down on his side, leaving space for you to curl up beside him.

He wraps his arm around you lazily, resisting the urge to run his hands down the side of your body, to touch you everywhere.

“Can you see from back there?” you ask.

“Mm-hmm,” he lies. He’s already seen the episode, he’d much rather fall asleep with his body pressed up against yours. It’s the closest he’s ever been to you.

Javi has practiced the art of keeping himself hidden. It's a useful trait as both an agent and a reluctant hopeless romantic. He never gets too drunk, not like you and Steve. He never reveals what lies below the facade of a grouchy, sometimes disobedient but wholly dedicated agent on your Friday night hangouts. He disguises himself as a womanizer, an asshole, until he can't anymore.

You find him in desperation. Post-tragedy, a traumatic incident that he can't quite shake. It makes him vulnerable. He does the right thing the first time – he calls up Gabriela and fucks her like he hates her, tips her real well afterwards. The second time is when he makes the mistake of seeing you, not just looking at you when you cross paths, but seeing you.

He knew things were bad after seeing Murphy teary-eyed for the first time. It brought the first incident to the forefront of his mind again. A cigarette and some fresh air would help, he thought. But when he steps outside, he finds you.

"It's late," he says. 

"Why are you out here?"

"I can't sleep."

"Me neither."

You won't look at him. Why won't you look at him?

"I heard what happened today."

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"I'm not asking you to talk about it. What I'm saying is, I know what you're feeling."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do, and you know it. We were both there when-"

"I don't wanna talk about that either."

"Good. I don't either. We should go inside. It's not safe for you to be out here right now."

"I'm not a fucking baby."

"You know what I mean. I'm trying to help you, okay?"

You ask him to stay with you – that's what will help, you say. He shouldn't, but he's too weak to say 'no'. You make him weaker.

"I need to forget," you tell him, and he knows exactly what that means.

It means sex. It means throwing away the future he could've had with you. Not the romantic kind – that was already gone, that's been gone since before you came into his life. He won't have a white-picket-fence-two-and-a-half-kids-in-the-suburbs kind of future with anyone. But he could've had a friendship, he could've gotten the gift of existing near you without any tension, something light and untouched even if it meant keeping himself at a distance.

But, you need this. You're begging him to fuck you, and if he chooses not to, it'll only make things worse – you'd withdraw from him entirely in embarrassment from his rejection because there's no way he can tell you that it's not because he doesn't want to have sex with you. God, no – he wants to have sex with you. In his ideal scenario, you get drunk once – on a business trip, at Steve and Connie's house, at the celebration of Escobar's demise – and you make the "stupid mistake" of sleeping with each other, and it becomes an inside joke between the two of you.

In his dreams, you get married on the beach or at city hall or even at a church if that's what you wanted. But dreams are dreams for a reason. They're distinctly different from reality. They don't come true.

In reality, Javi says the best thing he can, which is "okay", and he lets his lips collide with yours.

When your frantic hands begin to strip him of his clothes, he wants to tell you "it's okay, we have all night" because he wants to take it slow. He knows he won't last long when he gets inside you.

He tries to balance eagerness with gentleness when he takes off your clothes. He wants to be close to you.

"Let's go to your bedroom," he mumbles into the crook of your neck.

You don't bother to pick up your clothes, which are strewn near the doorway, so Javi doesn't either. He can tell you're impressed when he undoes your bra with one hand, and it makes him laugh, a little proud too, despite the fact that it's no more than a party trick (if you consider sex a party).

But his need to be the best you've ever had has him dropping to his knees in the hallway, and it's milliseconds before his hands are gripping your thighs and his nose meets the fabric of your panties.

He looks up, and asks, "can I take these off?"

"Yeah," you say, assisting him by slipping them down your own thighs.

With how quiet you are in the office, he expected you to be the same in the bedroom but you're not. The moan you let out when his tongue meets your clit is loud and unashamed – his favorite kind. It spurs him on.

"Javi, Javi, Javi - wait - I'm - hold on-"

So, he stops. "What's wrong?" He massages your thighs while he speaks, soft and sweet.

"I'm gonna cum."

"I know. That's the goal."

"But I'm gonna fall over."

"You're not, baby. I'm gonna hold onto you. But, if you want, we can finish this in bed." He doesn't wait for an answer before lifting you over his shoulder.

It makes you gasp, just like his lips did moments ago, but this time it makes him laugh. Only you could make him smile on a night like this one.

He doesn't tease you, he dives back in, lapping at your folds, more desperate for your orgasm than you are. If Javi is one thing, it's dedicated, and the bedroom is no exception.

You're still panting when you ask him to fuck you. It might be the first time you've said 'fuck' in front of him. "Fuck me" is Javi's line.

Utterly captivated by the sight of you disheveled beneath him, he agrees.

The second time you say 'fuck' is when Javi tells you he'll go grab a condom from his wallet – which is in his jeans, which are somewhere near the front door – and you say 'fuck it'.

And, utterly captivated by the sight of you, he agrees.

"How do you want me?" he asks.

"Rough," you say. "Make me forget."

You say it with such conviction that he sighs and says, "Okay. Turn over."

He buries himself to the hilt in a single thrust and since Javi can't see your face, he can't tell if the moan you let out is pleasure or pain, so he leans in and whispers into your ear, "Tell me if I'm hurting you."

"I want you to hurt me."

I don't want to hurt you. 

Something holds him back from saying it. He's not one to disappoint, especially in this facet of life. So, he saves the kiss he wants to place on your cheek for later. Instead, he drags his teeth along your soft skin and bites the flesh.

He fucks you hard, the way you want him to – holding onto the headboard, hips slamming into yours from the back at a merciless pace, and maybe if you weren't you, he'd feel different about this. But, instead of staring into your eyes and trying to cover up the immense fondness he feels for you, he looks at the pictures that hang on your wall, held up by clothespins on a string–you're smiling with your friends, blowing out birthday candles, laying on a beach towel in a bikini. He is in none of these photos. Why would he be? You've never taken a photo together. He's not a part of your life like that.

All the while, he keeps an iron grip on your hips and keeps a steady rhythm. Your moans turn into sobs, and he doesn't know how much longer he can take. Both because hearing your cries makes him feel conflicted about everything and because your walls are so tight around him, you're soaking wet and your legs are trembling. It's not long before he feels your pussy spasms and your whole body jolts – you have the sense to scream into your pillow, but he can still hear it.

Finally, he pulls out and jerks himself off, letting his release spill onto your ass, and once he's let go of you, you promptly flop down fully onto the mattress.

With the room finally quieter, you hear banging on the front door. You're about to get up but Javi stops you. "Stay there. I'll deal with it."

He slips on his boxers and flings open the door, and it's the person he least wants to see. Steve. Not because he hates Steve, but because Steve will bring this up.

He doesn't even have to say anything.

"Sorry. We'll keep it down," Javi says.

"Good" is the only word he says, though it's clearly not 'good' because Steve looks more pissed off than he's ever seen him.

He tells you it was a neighbor, but doesn't specify which one. He cleans you up, and prepares himself to leave. That's how this goes, right?

"Stay," you say, tugging him by the hand, so he falls back into bed.

He falls asleep with his bare skin flush against yours but this time it's gentle. He gives you a kiss on the temple before you turn out the light. You're silent but you smile.

The hurt comes the next morning. For you, it's physical, but can you really complain? For him, it's deeper than that. You're deeper inside him than he ever was inside you.

He wakes up beside you, feeling hungover despite not having any alcohol the night before. It's the vague sense of guilt and confusion, the way he feels more awake than the night before but less awake than he should after a full night's rest.

He retracts his hand from your body, hoping he can slip away before you notice but you turn to him, fully-awake.

If life were different – kinder, he would smile at you and you would try to kiss him.

"Mm-mm. I have morning breath," he'd say.

"I don't care," you'd say, grabbing his cheeks and pulling him towards you.

He'd pull back, just to argue because he likes the way you pout and the way he falls for it every time. You'd settle for a kiss on the forehead with the promise for something more after Javi brushes his teeth.

The quest for better breath would all be for nothing since he'd have coffee and a cigarette for breakfast (you'd tell him to eat more, of course), but you'd kiss him anyway.

His eyes linger on you for too long while he fantasizes, long enough for you to notice – for you to begin to see him for who he is.

Murphy brings it up at work when you're out of the room. Javi can see it in his eyes before he says anything.

"Sorry for keeping you up," Javi mutters, straight-faced and honest.

"Nothin' else to say?" Murphy probes. He seems more curious than angry. 

"Nope. Is there something you think I should say?"

"You fucked her," he whispers.

"Yes," Javi whispers back.

"How? Did it just happen? Or have you guys been a thing for awhile now and I just haven't noticed?"

"We're not a thing."

"You're not not a thing."

Javi doesn't have to admit to Steve that he's right because you walk into the room.

He is forced to silently admit what you are to him when he fails to hold back a rare smile upon seeing your face.

He sees Gabriela again, and though he's slept with her more times than he's slept with you, it still feels like he's cheating.

"What are you thinking about?" she asks while he stands by the window with a cigarette hanging from his lips.

"Work."

"Bullshit." She exhales a breathy laugh.

"Yeah."

"It's not something, it's someone. Isn't it?"

He turns, silently.

"I could tell you were thinking about her when you were fucking me - I thought it was just a sexual fantasy, but you're still fantasizing… and we're not fucking anymore."

"You'd be a great shrink, you know? In case this doesn't work out for you."

"It's working out fine." She flashes him the wad of cash he handed her before they got in bed together.

"Right."

"Maybe I'm supposed to be offended, but you were sweet this time - gentle. If you keep fucking me like that, I don't give a fuck who're you're thinking about."

"You liked it?" He asks with a flirtatious glint in his eye, opting for indulgence as distraction.

"I did. In fact, I think you could get a second round. On the house."

His cock springs to life and he slips out of his jeans. He fucks her slow, pressing kisses down her spine. She cums twice and he feels like a god.

But not like a lover, not like her lover.

You sleep together again, but you don't have sex. You're tipsy off whiskey in his apartment one night, trying to shake off the past week.

The DEA, being of the USA, only knows violence as conflict resolution, so you and Javi aren't trained to solve any problem that comes after the fighting is over. Distraction is the best you can do and alcohol is often one of the greatest methods.

"I wish we had something stronger than whiskey," Javi remarks.

"When in Medellin…" you say, swiping a finger under your nose.

"I think the amount of coffee I've had today is probably equal to a gram."

Doubtful, considering Javi is dozing off in his chair.

"Javi," you say, snapping your fingers to get his attention.

Startled, his body jolts awake. "What?" he asks, frantically.

"Nothing. You're just falling asleep."

"Sorry. I didn't sleep well last night."

"I figured. Everyday for the past week, you've looked like you're going to keel over. Are you okay?"

He takes a deep breath. Shakes the magic eight ball in his mind. Try again later. "I've just been having a lot of nightmares recently. It hasn't been like this since I was a kid."

"Well, how'd you get them to stop back then?"

"My mom used to sleep in my room with me."

He smiles at the thought of his mother. He doesn't often think of her because the funeral comes to mind. But sometimes, when he's lucky, she'll come back to him in memory - now, he sees her through a childlike lens, her face bright despite the bags under her eyes. The love he felt for her was so simple and pure.

His love for you is the most complicated kind.

"I'm not your mom, but if you want, I can sleep over."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Of course. I'd do anything for you."

You say it so flippantly that Javi barely has time to process it. It's better that way.

Finally, he gets a good night's sleep. But that only makes him need you more.

You both go on pretending things are the same until Carrillo dies. He was always the catalyst.

"I don't do funerals," Javi tells you.

You nod, pursed lips, accepting his decision. Giving in easily, which is unlike you.

"I'm thinking about leaving," you announce abruptly.

"You should go home, get some rest, especially if you're going tomorrow." To the funeral. Javi can't stand the word either.

"No, I'm thinking about leaving."

"Leaving where?" He already knows.

"Colombia."

"Are they reassigning you?"

"No, I'm quitting."

"Have you told Messina?"

"No. You're the first person I've told."

He nods and takes a deep breath. "Is that what you want to do? Quit?"

"I don't know. I wanted your advice."

"It's your choice, not mine." I'll miss you.

"I just can't do it anymore." You reveal yourself. You shatter.

"Hey." He places a hand on your shoulder, but you fall into his arms. "That's not true. You're strong. You know that you're strong."

I need you, he means.

So, you stay.

There is something about the grief that fuels you both to fight harder. You're no longer just fighting for justice, you're fighting for vengeance. It makes you both colder, more numb to the cruelty.

But physically, neither of you are much stronger. You overestimate yourselves, run through the streets with handguns after blood-hungry sicarios.

In his pursuit of one of the men, Javi fails to see a shooter on the roof with a gun aimed right at him. You see it, and shove Javi out of the way.

The bullet only grazes you, and Javi leaves with a few scrapes and dirty clothes. And guilt.

A shopkeeper who seems all too used to crisis situations grabs a first aid kit while Javi sits with you.

"You're not gonna call for backup?" you ask.

"No use. They got away. Let's just focus on this right now, okay?"

"This" means the wound on your side.

"It's not a big deal," you say, though you're clearly on the verge of tears.

"You got shot. The number one priority is making sure you're safe."

"Didn't you say that we can't focus on the casualties? That Escobar wins if we waste time mourning our dead?"

"Neither of us are dead."

You'll need more than the basic first aid that Javi can give you, nevertheless, he uses an antiseptic to clean the wound.

You break down in tears at the burning sensation.

"You're doing so well," he tells you, "I'll be done in just a moment."

When the ambulance arrives, he insists on accompanying you to the hospital.

They ask him who he is and he flashes his DEA badge, knowing that "friend" doesn't mean anything in this case.

Friend isn't enough.

You don't need surgery, just stitches – and some pretty decent pain pills. The kind that makes you sleepy.

Once the two of you are alone, after the doctors have finished with you, Javi tells you - finally, "Thank you, by the way, for saving my life."

"Who's to say it would've been a fatal shot?"

"Still." He leans down and kisses you on the cheek in lieu of saying anything else, knowing how badly he could fuck this up if he lets himself say everything he's really thinking – if there are even words for his feelings.

Luckily, there might not be.

"Javi," you whisper.

"Yes, hermosa?"

He rarely calls you nicknames, so it seems to fluster you a bit.

"Can you kiss me for real?"

"How much of those drugs did they give you?"

You look like you're holding back a batch of giggles and Javi can't help his stupid grin.

Before his cheeks hurt from smiling the most he has in a while, he leans in and kisses you – for real.

Breathless, you pull back and ask him, "do you think we could get away with doing it here?"

"Are you serious?" There's no way you are, he thinks, and yet he considers the option. "No, cariño, we shouldn't risk it."

He does take you home with him, but again, you don't have sex.

In the morning, you tell him confidently, "I'm leaving."

And he knows you don't just mean his apartment.

"I just can't do this anymore – the constant fear of dying was bad enough, but now…" you point to the bandages covering your stitches.

"I know." It doesn't matter what he says. You're going to leave anyway.

And, he feels guilty for convincing you to stay anyway. You should've left before this, but he was selfish and wanted to keep you a little longer.

He doesn't say goodbye in the way he wants to. He lets you go with a kiss on the forehead after waiting with you until you're called to board.

"Goodbye, Javier," you say.

He can't say anything back or he'll cry. The kiss is all he can give.

You call periodically at first, but the calls get more sporadic until they disappear entirely.

Javier is used to falling in love. So much so that he expects to feel the same way about the next woman he sleeps with. He gets attached to one woman, and then moves onto the next, loving her the same way as the last. The process of forgetting involves ending up in the same mess, feeling the same thing for someone who is blonde instead of brunette, or brown-eyed instead of blue, maybe a cup size larger in the bust. Something old, something new. There is more to the phrase, but the idea of commitment began and ended with Lorraine back in Texas.

Texas. After all is said and done in Colombia, he goes home. Like you, he can't do it anymore. His mind is already rattled with nightmares and his body is worn out.

There's an airport in Laredo, but he can't get a flight there until Monday, so he decides San Antonio is close enough.

The airport bars tend to be filled with people waiting to depart, not passengers who have already arrived. But, Javi decides to have a drink before calling a cab. There isn't any rhyme or reason to it. His feet lead him there, not his brain.

There are two open barstools, one on each side of a woman he can only see from the back. He chooses the one to her right. She looks like you, he thinks, just a slightly different haircut.

He barely glances at you before trying to wave down the bartender.

"Javier?" It's your voice from next to him.

He turns his head so quickly he swears he might've given himself whiplash. He's speechless, but smiling.

"What are you doing here?"

"On my way home. To Laredo."

"You left Colombia?"

"Yeah, I quit."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't know you wanted me to."

It's been years since we talked, he thinks. The last conversation was about you leaving.

"Are you on your way home or…?"

"Yeah, I will be, once my boyfriend gets our bags."

Boyfriend. Boyfriend who gets her bags. Boyfriend who sits next to her on the plane. Boyfriend whose spot is beside her.

"Oh."

"I feel like I've been sitting here forever."

"It's hectic down at baggage claim."

"Yeah, there's a million suitcases and none of them are mine. I really hope it's not lost. My favorite necklace was in there."

"The gold one… with the pearl?"

"Yeah, that one." You grin, excited yet surprised. "You remember that?"

I remember seeing it on your bedside table. I remember you taking it off with everything else. The one thing you didn't tear off, the one moment you slowed down.

"Yeah, you wore it all the time."

"And you stared at my tits a lot, so…" You wink, sipping your drink.

"I did not… not all the time."

A man walks up behind you, lugging two suitcases.

"Hey, babe," he says, kissing your cheek.

"Oh!" You beam at him. "This is Javier. My coworker from back when I worked at the DEA."

Coworker. Not even friend.

'Eric' – as he introduces himself, extends his hand to shake Javi's, and it feels like he's making a deal with the devil. Promising your love – something he doesn't even have – to this man for nothing in exchange.

"I'll see you around," you say.

And he thinks it's just politeness, an everyday lie, but you call.

You invite him to your housewarming party.

“Eric and I just got our own place,” you tell him.

Javi congratulates you, and it’s an empty platitude. He says it because he has to – why else would he be here if not to celebrate you and your new home? He knows why. 

He shouldn’t have come at all, but he had no excuse that he could give you. The reason why wants to see you and the reason why he shouldn’t see you coincide, but after years of knowing you, and years being apart, he still can’t admit that reason. 

You were right to call him a coworker – it’s an undeniable truth. You might have been friends too at some point back in Colombia. To make the best out of the situation, Javi brings a bottle of wine – that’s what a friend would do. It’s a nice red blend, something too expensive for Javi to buy for himself. He managed to save money by not buying you a bouquet of roses. It’d be too romantic a gesture coming from a friend, let alone a coworker. 

The party is an intimate affair. Everyone he speaks to is friendly, even your boyfriend, and while he wants to be happy for you, he can’t help the fact that it irritates him more than anything else. He is no better than this man – in fact, he’s worse. 

Over the course of the evening, he meets coworkers and friends of yours. “I love you all,” you tell them, “but Javi’s my favorite.”

Everyone tells him he’s a hero for taking down Escobar, including you. He feels like a fraud, but accepts their thanks humbly because it’s easier not to talk about it.

He’s happy when the attention is taken off of him. Eric makes a toast. It’s to you, to your future.

A wave of nausea hits Javi as he watches your boyfriend become your fiance.

He shouldn’t drink anymore, so he goes outside for a cigarette. You appear by his side and the sweetness of your voice pains him.

“I thought I lost you,” you say.

“You could never lose me,” he lies.

When you show him the ring, he takes your hand in his, gently, pretending to care deeply about the shiny new diamond, but it’s just a rock, an obstruction, something hard covering your soft skin. 

It’s beautiful, it suits you.

You linger on the balcony with him. You show him the ring, you let him touch it.

You must know that the goodbye hug you give him will be the last time you’ll touch him.

Despite the ring on your finger, you kiss Javi on the cheek one final time. Your fiance won’t mind. Because it doesn’t mean anything.

Javi doesn’t kiss you on the cheek. Because kissing you would mean something. It always has.