#brainthings for ts

[astriiformes]

If wasn’t already in the cryptid club, I joined it today by becoming that rarest of things: a person who went in for a single joint adult ADHD/autism test and managed to walk away with both diagnoses on the first go.

It’s funny -- I’m incredibly relieved I’m not going to have to go through the rigamarole of seeing doctor after doctor to try to get them to confirm I’m some brand of neurodivergent, which I’ve known was likely the case for years now. It’s especially interesting/relieving that the specialist I saw gave me not only one diagnosis right away, but both, which I was on the fence about myself and extra skeptical I’d be able to find someone willing to make that call on my first try even if it was true. But at the same time, it tells me that I have really stereotypical, identifiable cases of both -- and I had to go through so much of my life with no one picking up on either.

I first started to suspect I might be autistic when I was 17; a psychiatrist first told me she thought I likely had ADHD when I was almost 20. Until that point, people looked at me and saw a good student and a kid who was fairly well-behaved and didn’t cause problems, and didn’t notice the many ways that I struggled that were never accommodated. It’s no coincidence that 17-20 is also the exact age range in which a lot of that started to fall apart, my various incompetencies exposed as I hit a point of burnout and couldn’t sustain the illusion I was fine. I wonder sometimes, if someone had looked at me and seen what was really going on, if some of that pain could have been prevented -- if I could be a young professional or even a grad student right now and actually have had fun in college instead of currently being a dropout if someone had actually seen me when I was younger. Thinking about that always kind of hurts, but today, with it made pretty clear that I present pretty obviously and stereotypically as both autistic an ADHD, it makes me mourn that a little extra.

That said, I’m still really glad. I’m glad to know that even if many other people in my life weren’t right about me, I ultimately was, and I’m glad that from here I can more confidently think about how to help myself next -- whether it’s exploring medication options or even something as simple as finally feeling  “allowed” to look up ideas and resources for people like me. But oof, I wasn’t expecting what I heard today and I’m having some kinds of feelings about it

[aceyanaheim]

Hggn dont like admitting I Have anger still

[astriiformes]

Not to have a moment of very self-centered complaining, but I’m starting to have SUCH a hard time holding it together every time I think about how much of my life has been thrown off-track because of this current situation. And like the obvious solution is to focus on other things as much as I can, but when the magnitude of what’s missing is so great that’s...... not really possible

I was supposed to get tested for ADHD and autism stuff a month ago and now I don’t know when I’ll get the chance, since the appointment has to be in-person, which also means it’s literally impossible for me to get on medication until everything opens up again! I was so close and now! This!! And I was talking to a local friend about some religious conversion stuff and was going to start participating in Jewish community stuff and figure out my next step on that journey, and now I don’t know what to do to move any of that forwards! It feels too awkward/out of place trying to join any of the online things local groups are doing, since it would be wildly different than showing up to something I was explicitly invited to join in on, by someone who was going to help me with introductions and etc! And I was going to try to go back to school this fall, but now I’m scared to even work on an application, because if we’re still stuck doing online classes in September I will absolutely fail out instead of finally making more progress on my fucking Bachelor’s still at 23! Especially since I can’t! Get! On! Meds!!

Like there’s the other stuff I’m heartbroken over -- worrying if any of the conventions I was looking forward to this year will even happen (one we were slated to do a concert at already came and went as a cancellation), or if I’ll get to travel to see the friends I was planning to, or get to go to one particularly once-in-a-lifetime invitation that was extended to me this summer. And that’s all absolutely devastating too, and seriously weighing on me as well, since I’m a hardcore extrovert that needs things to look forward to in order to survive. But the areas of life where I was finally making progress on things that I had been scared to pursue out of fear/anxiety? Things where I had FINALLY managed to reach out, or schedule appointments, or work on applications, that are all just on hold now...? Those are weights on my heart that it’s getting to the point I can hardly bear. Especially since this crisis is being prolonged by other people’s incompetence and selfishness and there’s so little I can do to change that! It sucks and I don’t know what to do!

[astriiformes]

Me, without fail, whenever I have to deal with a severe anxiety day: Why am I so anxious?

The spirit of mental health, equally without fail, manifesting to gently touch my shoulder and speak words of wisdom as it does every time: Perhaps it is your three separate anxiety disorders, Nathan

Me:

Me:

Me: ...That CAN'T be right

[astriiformes]

The thing about anxiety is that it will make you believe two completely different, opposite things that can’t both be true at the same time, and yet even when you manage to realize this fact your fear of both things is still just as hard to make, like, go away

[aceyanaheim]

my shrink; well it seems you’re more stable and closer to acting your  age now than when we first started

Me;...instantly destabilizes as soon as that’s said

[aceyanaheim]

No one

Absolutely no one

My jank brain at 1:30 AM: heres a bunch of scenarios flr you to worry about for no reason

Me:...goodie

[aceyanaheim]

im very easily overwhelmed lately still and hm

[aceyanaheim]

Officially settled on what to do about this semester.

Gonna be trying to get my life back to some semblance of order schedule wise.

[aceyanaheim]

so many of my brainthings have relapse since this...all started tbh that im legit staring at this half assed/but hopefully good enough assignment im about to turn in at 1 AM like ‘’i legit dont know if the  classes in this part of my track are this boring/uninteresting to me or if im just in a place where everything is’’

[aceyanaheim]

i kinda miss when bpd didnt like...rule my life tbh. 

[aceyanaheim]

yeah i think i really do need my meds upped.

[aceyanaheim]

Me; -is not in fight or flight/breakdown mode 24/7-

My brain;...is this...normal stress-multiple question marks- this is normal stress.

[aceyanaheim]

sometimes i feel like if I’m not super happy All The Time I’m just not good company to keep around

[aceyanaheim]

Feel kinda like a fake for having unreality as a trigger but being able to read stuff like Gothics but like...it just..doesnt trigger me like other stuff idk.

[aceyanaheim]

I just made a post on a facebook group then deleted it because i was convinced i made it like..as a personal post

Which is to say wow im out of it i should just have pizza watch tv and call it a night.