#for the last several months i have been struggling seriously with the idea

[poppadom0912]

Excuses

Warnings: Mentions of fainting, diabetes, canon-typical injuries

Summary: You suffer the consequences just because your teacher thought you were making excuses.

A/N: First fic of 2024!!! I had plans that I was going to post weekly in the new year just like last year but things went downhill. This january and february has had its very good but also really bad moments and even writing this was a struggle. I've found myself in a weird place of wanting to write but struggling and all of a sudden not being able to balance my schoolwork and writing. So I took a lil step back to solely focus on my work but looking at everything now, my fic updates will be much less frequent but hopefully just as or if not, more fun to read.

I feel bad for not saying or posting anything since the new year but I'm here now and hopefully will be more alive. I've got lots planned for you beautiful people, several series and way too many fics in my drafts that I cannot wait for you all to read. This wasn't as long or as juicy as I intended but my brain completely failed me so I hope this is good enough. I initially wanted to post this at the beginning of March but I finished the final editing today so here you go!!

Final note before we start, I have general knowledge about diabetes but that's all from my grandma. I have no idea if it's the same for teenagers so I'm sorry for any mistakes. Happy reading!!

Your biology teacher had been on maternity for three weeks now and you were seriously contemplating life.

Because of the crappy rules surrounding maternity leave, when your teacher refused to return before her three months ended, your school had a supply teacher fill in for her till she came back.

Since day one, you knew you hated her.

It was mid lesson and you knew as soon as you started feeling sluggish that your sugar levels were dropping. Your thoughts were only confirmed when your Dexcom receiver let you know of your decreasing glucose.

This wasn't a usual occurrence. Will and Jay always made sure you had eaten enough and you had the means to maintain the needed glucose levels so that nothing happened.

Alas, you were up late revising and you were stressing about keeping up your good grades. Jay was rushing you out the door because he needed to go to a scene he'd just been called to and Will was out walking Kol and hadn't seen you leave.

In conclusion, it'd been a hot minute since you last ate something.

The school were well aware of your diabetes. It was one of the very important things your brothers stressed them about when you first started.

Most students knew about it actually, having seen your Dexcom and not understanding since a diabetic child apparently wasn't common according to them.

So, when you randomly pulled out a snack from your bag mid class, no one questioned it and instead would make sure you were okay. There'd never been a problem before in school and everyone wanted it to stay that way.

However, this new teacher, Mrs Byrne was apparently completely unaware of your medical condition.

"Y/N. You know the rules about eating in class." She said strictly, pulling away all the attention from the board onto you.

She stopped you in the middle of opening the packet of fruit gummies. You frowned, looking at her confused along with your classmates.

"I have diabetes." You said bluntly, continuing to open the packet. "I don't eat this and I'll pass out."

Mrs Byrne only rolled her eyes, smiling at you condescendingly. "I've heard that excuse hundreds of times, give those to me."

You scoffed at the audacity, refusing to hand over what was yours.

It was when she started walking towards your desk with a pep in her step that the entire class got involved. Their raised voices overlapped, some angrier than others over what was happening.

However, you too were Stubborn alike to your brothers so you kept as firm of a grip of the packet. You turned a blind eye to the anger fuelled cover teacher. You continued to smile as she spewed threats of all sorts.

Due to your frustration and annoyance over the teacher who wanted to take your gummies away, you didn't notice how everything started change; how hard it was to move your eyes and lips, your limbs getting heavier and you thoughts slowly getting muddled up.

Lost in a daze, you were no longer able to fight back when she pulled harder, successfully snatching the small packet out of your hands. It was now that the class got furious, your friends were already up and at your side but now they were verbally attacking the teacher.

Fed up with her petty behaviour, you were going to get up and go to the nurses office who would take care of you but getting out your seat was harder said than done.

With one of your friends help, you weren't too sure who was helping you from your hazy sight that cleared when you blinked too many times.

You were wobbly on your feet, taking slow and hesitant steps towards the front of the classroom but before you could leave, you felt your legs give out and everything went black.

*****

It turned out that supposed crime scene that he was imminently needed at was nothing but a prank by a bunch of college boys resulting in a grumpy Hank putting them in cuffs and having them fined for a very reasonable reason.

That's how the rest of the unit found themselves finishing up paperwork, catching up about life in general as they debated what they were getting for lunch.

Jay was smugly sitting back, eyes flickering between Kevin and Adam who were bickering over something trivial when his phone rung, catching everyone's attention.

They were all so bored and normally when one of their phones went off during work hours, it meant something came up and they were needed.

In interest, everyone turned their heads towards Jay and waited for him to tell them they got a crime scene.

Picking up his phone, Jay's brows furrowed at the number, confused as to why your school was calling him in the middle of the day. They'd only call him if two things happened: You'd gotten in trouble or you got hurt.

"Hello. Is this Y/N Halsteads brother Jay?" A voice he couldn't recognised asked, most likely some lady from the main office.

"Yeah, that's me." Jay confirmed, sitting up in preparation for whatever he was going to be told.

"So sorry to interrupt you sir but Y/N collapsed in class." The lady said with guilt laced in her words. "Your other brother didn't pick up the phone. We called to let you know we had to call the paramedics and they've taken her to Chicago Med."

"Uh yeah." Jay said, collecting his jacket and keys. "Yes, thank you."

Not waiting for a reply, Jay hung up and quickly knocked on Hank's office door frame.

"Sarge, I gotta get Y/N-"

"Go get her. We're done here."

*****

Wanting to pull his hair out, Will rubbed his eyes in frustration, glaring at his patients scans that only confused him further. He was tired and was coming to half way through his twenty four hour shift.

"Dr Halstead- Uh, Dr Rhodes in T4." Maggie stumbled, looking down at her brick and making sure she read it correctly.

"What's wrong?" Will asked, confused as to why Maggie changed her mind which she usually never did.

"It's Y/N."

Now fully awake, Will followed Connor towards the ambulance bay where you were being rolled in. You were groggily sitting up on the stretcher, you hair a mess and a few scratches around your face and hands from when you fell.

"Sylvie, what happened?" Will asked the blonde paramedic while looking you over. He desperately wanted to check you over himself but let Connor do his thing. He really did not need Ms Goodwin on his case today.

"Teachers didn't tell us much but her classmates said she collapsed after not being able to eat." Sylvie relayed the minimal information she knew, shrugging her shoulders when the two doctors looked at her weirdly. "No one would tell us anything more."

"Y/N, it's Connor. Can you hear me kid?" Connor said while pulling out his penlight. He was like another brother to you, his concern just as high. "Can you tell me what happened?"

You groaned, mumbling nonsense with your eyes screwed closed. Your words were mostly unintelligible but Will understood them mere seconds later.

Fixing the problem you complained about, Will turned down the lights and let Connor continue fussing over you.

It didn't take long to find out the cause of your collapse, Will sighing at the news when he read the numbers from your tests.

"I thought she was always on top of her sugar levels." Connor said, closing the room door so you could sleep in peace.

And what he said was completely true but they weren't aware of why you couldn't today specifically of all days.

"She is." Will said, rubbing a hand down his face in frustration. "Maybe her dexcom malfunctioned or something."

Connor hummed, agreeing with his friend.

"Hmm, maybe."

*****

Arriving at Med, Will gave Jay a detailed rundown of everything he new about your medical state but also the events pre your hospital arrival.

Getting a good look at you, holding your hand in his and kissing you on your forehead, Jay was more than happy to leave you in your oldest brothers safe hands while he got to the bottom of this entire ordeal.

He noticed Sylvie was still at Med, Foster mentioning they were running low on a few supplies so they needed some stocking up. Jay took this opportunity to interview the two paramedics and try to get further understanding on this situation that wasn't making much sense to him.

Arriving at your school, Jay had some thoughts in mind but they weren't very concrete and his confidence wasn't as strong as he'd like it to be.

Walking into the school, Jay immediately noticed an entire class sitting and standing around in the corridor waiting in front of the principals office.

One of the girls who had been sitting in a chair had caught sight of Jay, her eyes widening before she smiled, gently nudging the girl next to her and pointing in his direction. The girls reaction was the exact same.

This created a sort of domino effect as the boy next to her noticed Jay and everyone was telling the other of his sudden arrival. The once silent corridor was now beginning to fill with murmurs and whispers, all their eyes glued onto his figure that moved down the corridor, their shocked faces quickly changing into smiles and smirks.

It seems that Jay had a reputation of sorts.

"Why are you making so much noise? What did I just say about talking-"

The principal cut himself off from his scolding when he suddenly noticed Jay's presence, his face blanching as all the pieces clicked into place.

"Detective Halstead! What a surprise, we weren't expecting to see you so soon-"

This time Jay cut him off, not too bothered about his lack manners. "My brothers with Y/N at the hospital so I thought there was no other perfect time."

The principal remained silent.

"Now, why don't you explain to me why my sister fainted under your watch?"

The students behind Jay couldn't help but snicker knowingly.

[redrose10]

I’m still working on the next chapter of The Interlude Inn. Things have been crazy lately and I’m sorry it’s taking so long, but thank you for staying with me. In the mean time here’s just something small I had stuck as an idea for a while and wanted to put out there.

Warnings: Angst, Lots of Crying, Breakups, Arguments, eventual fluff

Summary: Who knew that some old yarn and a knitted beanie would be what helps to mend yours and Yoongi’s broken hearts.

Word Count: 2,703

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You stood back against the door with your arms crossed. “Seriously Yoongi, don’t you have anything to say?”

You glared at your boyfriend, well now ex-boyfriend, as he removed his headphones once again.

“What do you want me to say Y/N? You’re unhappy in this relationship and you want to end it so go. I’m not going to get on my hands and knees and beg you to stay.”

You rolled your eyes almost involuntarily. He was kind of right. You were the one that showed up at his studio unannounced and broke up with him out of nowhere, but it was mostly his fault that you got to this point.

After three years together you were just tired of feeling alone and unappreciated. His work was always put before you and your relationship and you were done with it.

“This is what I’m talking about Yoongi. You don’t care at all that I’m walking out. I guess the last three years were a waste of time since I mean nothing to you.”

Yoongi hastily spun his chair around and put his headphones back on before you could see his tears begin to fall. Scoffing you grabbed your jacket and purse and stormed out letting the door slam behind you before you finally released your own river of tears.

It had been almost six months since you and Yoongi broke up and neither of you had made any effort to contact one another. Jin ended up being the mediator brining you a box of your stuff from Yoongi’s and you gave him a box to take back to him as well. The last reminisce of the relationship you once had with each other.

Even though it had been six months the pain still hurt more than any other breakup you’d ever encountered. You really felt that he was the one you’d spend the rest of your life with and now that it wasn’t happening you were having a hard time coping with that. Jin claimed that Yoongi was struggling too. He wasn’t eating, stopped working on music for a while until the company got on his case, and Jimin claims to have seen him crying in his car while parked at the company building several times.

Yoongi seemed to be doing just fine in your eyes though. Always smiling and laughing in interviews and performances. Rumors even circulated about him dating a fellow idol and you had to admit the pictures looked pretty convincing. As much as you tried to tell yourself that he had every right to move on it still hurt.

It finally passed the busy season at work so you decided to treat yourself with a week off. Nothing fancy. You just wanted some time where you could shut off your alarm clock, maybe do a deep clean of your apartment, and eat as much greasy terrible for you, but tasty food as you wanted. The first morning of your vacation you heard your phone ringing from its place on the night stand next to you. You had made it absolutely clear to your boss to not contact you for any reason whatsoever so you knew it wasn’t work. Your friends would get the hint after a call or two that were missed, but whomever was calling was persistent. You stayed still trying to just ignore it, but after the eighth missed call you decided to roll out of bed and check to make sure nothing bad had happened.

To your surprise you found fifteen missed calls all from Namjoon and Jin. They hardly ever called you even when you and Yoongi were together so you were confused as to what was going on. Suddenly you got a notification for a voicemail and you clicked play,

“Hey Y/N, this is Namjoon. I’m really sorry to bother you right now. I know it’s still pretty early, but we’re having a bit of a situation. Something is wrong with Yoongi. We’re not sure what’s going on, but if you could give me a call back I’d really appreciate it. Thanks, Bye.”

You tossed the phone on your bed before plopping down. Namjoon’s voicemail repeating in your head. By now they all definitely knew what had happened between you two so it kind of irked you that they would call you of all people for help. Yoongi or anything Yoongi related was no longer your problem. You had every intention to just ignore it, but then in the back of your mind you started to worry. There will always be a part of you that will love and care for Yoongi and you couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to him because you wanted to make a point.

Grabbing your phone you quickly dialed Namjoon’s number and he answered on the second ring.

“Hi Y/N, thank you for calling me back. I really am sorry to wake you.”

“No it’s okay Joon. What’s going on?”

He let out a deep sigh, “Well we’re not 100% sure. We just got back today and Yoongi started flipping out. He tore through his suitcase. He made the stylist give him access to our wardrobes and he went through those too. It took Jimin and Hoseok two hours to help them put everything back together. He’s made a bunch of phone calls and now he’s just sitting in the corner of the room sobbing and mumbling something about a hat. We were hoping you’d know what was going on with him.”

You bit your lip trying to recall anything about a hat, “No I’m sorry Namjoon. I have no idea what it could be.”

“Well I was afraid of that. We’re supposed to leave to go to an interview in like fifteen minutes and I have no idea how we’re gonna get him to cooperate. He’s just completely inconsolable.”

You were really hoping you weren’t going to regret this but you took a deep breath and continued, “Would you like me to talk to him? Maybe I could get it out of him.”

“Oh my Yes! Thank you so much Y/N.”

After a few seconds and some distant mumbling you heard a few loud sniffles in the phone followed by the softest “hello” you’d ever heard.

“Yoongi what’s going on? Why are you so upset right now?”

It was like your voice set him off again and you could hear the sobs coming from deep within his chest followed by words you couldn’t make out.

“Yoongi calm down please. I can’t understand what you’re saying. Take a few breaths. Remember how we used to do it.

1…

2…

3…

4…

5…

Do we need to take a few more?

1…

2…

3…

Okay now tell me what’s going on so I can try to help.”

A few moments went by and you were starting to think you’d never find out what happened, but then he cleared his throat,

“M-my beanie. The b-blue one. I lost it.”

Trying to think back to what hat he was talking about you continued, “Yoongi what beanie?”

“The soft blue one. I lost it somewhere. I can’t find it.”

“Yoongi it’s okay. You can get another one easily. I’m sure you could even order it online and have it delivered within a day or two.”

“N-no you don’t understand. You made that hat for me and it’s the last thing I had left from you. I’ll never have one like that again.”

It sounded like his crying was picking up again and that’s when it hit you.

Years ago you were hanging out at the dorm when Taehyung came walking by with some yarn he had used for a crafting thing he did with his siblings and not wanting the yarn to go to waste you took it and knit Yoongi a beanie. It was a blue color and very soft and fuzzy. That same night you gave it to him he asked you to be his girlfriend. You didn’t even know that he still had it.

Your heart did break at the sound of how upset he was getting over this. You had no idea how much that meant to him.

“Hey Yoongi it’s okay. Just breathe alright. I’ll make you a new hat. It’ll even be the same color and everything. I can have it done by tomorrow morning.” You really didn’t m feel like having to spend your day off knitting a new hat for your ex, but if that’s what got him to cooperate and get to the interview then you’d do it to help out the other members.

There was some silence followed my more sniffles, “I appreciate that Y/N, but it’s not the same. I don’t want a new hat. It won’t have the same memories with it.”

“Listen Yoongi, I know you have to get to an interview soon because you still have a job to do. The rest of the group is counting on you. Why don’t you go ahead and get that done and then we can try and fix this. Does that sound okay?”

You felt like you were tying to compromise with a toddler, but knowing he was this upset over something of yours did pull at your heart strings a little.

He didn’t say anything, but you could still hear his cries and what sounded like Jimin in the background trying to console him. Not long after Namjoon came back on the line, “So it sounds like you’ve figured it out?”

You chuckled, “Yeah kind of. It was this beanie that I had knit for him years ago. I guess he lost it while you guys were on tour.”

“Oh yeah that blue one right? He hasn’t let it out of his sight since he packed up your stuff for Jin to drop off. Hoseok swears he cuddles with it in his sleep. I’m surprised he lost it.”

That information felt like a stab to the heart. Maybe the breakup did really hurt him.

“I’m gonna try and fix this. I think I’ve convinced him to go to the interview so hopefully you guys can get done what you need and I’ll be in contact later.”

After traveling to four different craft store and six hours later you had knit an exact replica of the hat. Somehow you managed to find the same yarn in the same color and you were quite happy with your work. Your plan was to just tell Yoongi that one of the stylist found the lost beanie tucked away in a random suitcase somewhere after you had asked to take a look. You figured what Yoongi didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

Standing outside Yoongi’s studio you felt a million different emotions. The last time you were there still burned into your brain. After a quick few knocks the door swung open and the sight taking your breath away. He looked terrible. Definitely slimmer and paler which you weren’t sure how that even happened. His skin was red and raw from the crying. His eyes widened when he realized it was you standing there.

“Here, one of the stylists found the hat in a suitcase.”, you managed to get out pushing the blue beanie to him.

Gently he took it from your grasp. As he looked it over you noticed the slight tremble to his hands. When he finally looked up at you he had tears threatening to fall. He shook his head handing the hat back to you, “This isn’t it.”

“Yes it is Yoongi. It’s the one I made you. Look at it.”

“No it’s not Y/N. The first one you made me years ago has a little hole on the side where we had to cut it when one of your earrings got caught.”

You remembered that day. The two of you were cuddling on the couch watching a movie when he went to get up and get more snacks but was stopped by you yelping in pain as your ear was pulled in his direction. You both tried for over twenty minutes to get your earring loose, but ended up having to just cut it out. You had promised to fix it, but never got around to it.

“Yoongi I’m sorry that you lost that hat, but please just take this one. Maybe over time it’ll mean something to you too.”

He began to sniffle and you had to force yourself not to pull him into a hug.

“Yeah it’ll be a reminder of how I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.”, he cried.

“Yoongi it’s just a hat. And not even an expensive designer one. I hardly think it’s the best thing that ever happened to you.”

He couldn’t hide the slight chuckle that escaped him, “I meant you Y/N. Not the hat.”

“Oh, I see”, you could feel your cheeks heat up from embarrassment.

“Y/N, please give me a second chance. I’m sorry that I had put work before you so many times. It was selfish of me. I thought I was helping us both by being as successful as possible, but now I know that all this money and success is nothing if I don’t have you to share it with.”

Watching as he wiped away a tear you sighed, “Yoongi, I just…I don’t know. How do I know that things won’t immediately go back to the way they were?”

“I don’t know Y/N. I can speak a thousand promises, but whether you choose to believe them or not is up to you. But if you give me another chance I’ll work harder than ever to prove to you that things will be better between us.”

“Okay, I’m not saying that things will instantly return to normal, but I think that we could try and work up to it.”, you sighed.

Yoongi bit his lip trying to contain the smile threatening to come through, “Thank you Y/N. I can work with that. I won’t let you down. C-Can I give you a hug?”

Smiling you took the blue beanie in your hands and placed it on top of his head before stepping forward wrapping your arms around his neck feeling like things were finally on the right track and thankful to be back in his arms.

Four years later…

“Oh my goodness, Jungkook these are the cutest little booties I’ve ever seen.”, you smiled holding up the pair of blue knit baby booties for everyone at your baby shower to see. “Little Baby Min is going to absolutely love these.”, you continued before handing the box over to Yoongi so he could get a look.

Yoongi stared down at the gift with his brows furrowed. “How did you have these made? I know you don’t knit.”, he asked the younger man. “Well my girlfriend knows a lady who takes old fabric and yarn and stuff and makes keepsakes. So I gave her the blue hat that Y/N had knit for you and asked if she could make baby booties. I knew that hat was important to you both and now your baby can enjoy it too.”

That seemed to only cause more confusion for Yoongi, “But that hat is upstairs in one of my drawers. I just saw it this morning.”

Jungkook smiled while shaking his head, “No, this is the original hat. You know the one you thought you lost.”

You felt Yoongi’s tense up next to you. Namjoon gasped from the corner.

“That’s very sweet Kookie. How did you get that hat by the way?”, you asked.

“Oh after we got back from the tour I found it in my luggage. I think it was tucked away in a sweatshirt I had grabbed.”

Yoongi cleared his throat, “So if you knew I was looking for it and you found it then why didn’t you say anything?”

With nervousness you looked between your husband and Jungkook repeatedly before reaching over and taking Yoongi’s hand in yours trying to brace him for the answer.

As nonchalantly as possible Jungkook replied, “You never asked me.”

[lovemyavatar]

May I request a Jake Sully x reader where she’s also involved in the Avatar program somehow? And Jake is convinced she’d like him better as an avatar when really, she just likes him period!! I feel like human Jake doesn’t get enough love round these parts (the avatar fandom) lol

this is my first ever full length Jake fic! I loved this idea and hope you enjoy :)

All of You

Human/Avatar!Jake Sully x Human/Avatar!Reader

Warnings: slight angst but mostly fluff, some smooching

“That was so cool!”

You practically throw yourself from your link unit, shoving the door open and tumbling out hastily. A wide grin splits your face as the unit beside yours pops open, revealing a chuckling Jake who merely shakes his head in amusement.

“Seriously, did you see that shot I landed?” You bounce on your toes excitedly, adrenaline coursing through your veins.

Your body hasn't caught up yet, doesn't realize you're no longer surrounded by dense forest, riding pa'li (direhorses) and firing arrows from handmade bows. Your heart thrums wildly between your ribs, pride swelling within your chest as you replay the day's events.

Nearly every day for the last several months has been dedicated to learning the ways of the Omatikaya clan. You’ve done things that so recently felt impossible, accomplished feats beyond your wildest dreams. It’s overtaken your life, blurred the lines between realities. At this point, you feel more like yourself when you’re in the Avatar, than when you’re just you.

It’s awe-inspiring and terrifying all at once. Getting lost in the breathtaking terrain of Pandora is easier than you anticipated. Hours pass within the blink of an eye when you're exploring the moon, almost like the whole thing is nothing but a fantasy.

When you're back at the lab, the world out there feels too good to be true. Whispers of self-doubt flood the back of your mind, convincing you that there's someone better, someone more worthy of experiencing such beauty. But the second your Avatar's eyes open, and you begin another day of exploration, everything feels right again.

Throughout the turbulent ebbs and flows of the program, the only constant, the single force keeping you sane, has been Jake.

You catch the way his eyes leave you, flicking downward before settling on his withered legs. A rough sigh falls from his lips, shoulders sagging as if, though only for a moment, he forgot his own limitations. Instinctively, you take a small step forward, arms outstretched.

You know he’s more than capable, know how he feels about people helping him, but it’s simply a reaction to the forlorn expression etched into his face. It has nothing to do with his ability, and everything to do with the fact that you can’t stand to see him upset.

One of his palms blocks your path, narrowed eyes cutting toward you harshly.

“I got it.” The words are clipped as he forces them through a tightly clenched jaw.

You’re quick to move back, spine rigid as remorse floods your chest. The last thing you want to do is make the transition harder for him, or give the impression that you doubt his ability. His attention gradually falls back to his legs, fingers griping the rough material of his jeans.

You nod curtly before briskly walking away, stomach twisting with unease. His gaze snaps toward your retreating back, lips pursing to contain a sigh of disappointment.

He's an idiot. A complete dufus because he can't fight the urge, the overwhelming knee-jerk reaction to push you away when he's like this. It's a challenge he never considered having to face, wrestling with another version of himself that's everything he's ever wanted.

Out there, in the forest, his body excels at things he's long resigned himself to never doing again. He can run, leap, climb like the adventurous child trapped within him has always begged to do.

But here? Here he’s just…human.

For the entirety of his adult life, he's struggled to make friends. The problem was only exacerbated after his accident, when he became closed off and callous to the world outside his own struggle.

It's been glaringly obvious from the beginning that he's nothing like the other Avatar program participants. He never wanted to be here. Not really. But what did he have to lose? His twin was already gone, legs rendered useless, and his life was going nowhere fast.

But then there was you. You, who—for reasons unfathomable to Jake—accepted him right away. No questions asked. From day one, the two of you flocked together like long lost buddies who hadn’t seen each other in years.

As the days tick by, your unlikely friendship has blossomed into full-blown co-dependency. Early on, the two of you requested a shared desk, opting to complete debriefings together more often than not. Your supervisors don't usually mind, since your structured nature reigns in Jake's tendency to wander.

You're glued to each other's sides almost every waking hour, whether in the Avatars or not. It just comes naturally, finding comfort in the solid presence of one another, especially when dropped in the unfamiliar environment of Pandora.

The clan has no qualms about your desire to stay together, and readily agreed to teach you their ways as a pair. It's enriched the experience, and led to both of your success in the program. Jake's heart flutters, a warmth blooming in his chest at the mere memory of your days spent together under the Pandoran sun.

But with every shared smile or lingering glance comes a wave of confusion at the inevitable switch in his demeanor once he re-enters his human body. You're accustomed to it by now, have come to expect it, but that doesn't lessen the sting of his dismissal.

He can't help the way he curls in on himself, can't even entertain the idea that you may adore him just as fiercely in this form. It makes him cold, abrasive despite the way his heart clenches every time your face pinches with hurt.

Stillness has settled over the lab, the rhythmic droll of typing the only interruption in the otherwise quiet workspace.

Your fingers pause over the keyboard in front of you, gaze wavering from the computer monitor for a brief moment. Just long enough to catch the beginning of a cheeky grin pointed in your direction. You quickly divert your eyes once again, using every ounce of self-control to ignore the distraction only inches away.

Just as your lips part to continue the day's video log, something hard smacks against the back of your hand. You freeze, glancing down to spot a wadded up piece of paper laying on your desk.

“Can I help you?” You lean to the side, keeping your voice low as to not disturb those working diligently on either side of your desk.

“I’m bored.” Jake whispers in return, leaning forward to rest his chin on his crossed arms.

Your stomach flips when he looks up at you, rounded eyes blinking innocently. His lips tug into a small, hopeful smile. A sigh fills the few feet between your side of the desk and his.

“That's because you're not working.” Your gaze flicks over the room before you dip forward to meet him halfway.

“Let’s get outta here.” His eyes dance with mischief, while yours pop wide at the suggestion.

“Jake…” His name is nothing more than a weak protest, because truthfully, you would love to avoid the remaining tasks piling up in your inbox.

Even so, using the Avatars outside of approved hours is strictly forbidden. He knows this, of course, but he's been antsy since returning that morning. He's losing his mind a bit, just sitting here reminiscing about all the ways his body is so much more out there.

A twinge of regret still weighs heavily in his chest from the way he snapped at you. He wants things to feel normal again. A piece of his soul aches to be back in the dream-like world of Pandora with you, where no real life bullshit can get in the way.

“I won’t tell if you don't.” His lips stretch into that dazzling, heart-stopping grin, and you're done for.

Sometimes, you can't help but wonder if he's aware of the effect he has on you. The way even a simple glance lights you up, makes your stomach flip as warmth blankets your skin.

He can't, can he? Otherwise he wouldn't be so hot and cold. Wouldn't make you think there could be something to the tension between you when you're in the Avatars, only to pull back the second you return to the lab.

Right?

A giggle bubbles in your chest, gaze flicking over your shoulder as a light touch caresses the tuft of hair at the base of your tail.

“Come on, I thought you were faster than that!”

The sore muscles of your legs protest as you pivot suddenly, hurriedly climbing the nearest tree for safety. You only make it a few feet before strong arms wrap around your middle, effortlessly peeling your weak grip from the rough bark.

Another laugh echoes through the quiet forest as Jake spins you around, pressing your back against the tree. Your chest heaves from the chase, ragged breath fanning his face as he crowds you. One of his hands rests above your head, the other firmly cupping your hip.

The innocent touch sets you ablaze, makes something warm pool in your lower belly. His lips pull into a lopsided grin, golden eyes searing a hole straight through you.

“Gotcha.” His heated gaze flickers over your face, lingering on your lips for just a moment too long before he forces it back to your eyes. “Again.”

“Alright, this time, you run.” Your palm meets his chest, with every intention of pushing him away, but the second his warmth seeps into you, you're frozen in place.

Your fingers twitch against his skin, eyelids growing heavy as you glance over the swell of muscle beneath your hand. He takes a slow breath in, terrified that you can feel the way his heart pounds between his ribs.

“I don't think that'd be very fair.” He rasps lowly, not trusting himself to speak any louder.

Your eyes raise slowly to meet his, breath hitching at the sweltering desire already locked firmly on you. His free hand leaves its resting place above your head, tentatively dropping until his fingers curl around the side of your neck. A shiver rolls down your spine when his tail gingerly wraps around your thigh, bringing you even closer.

You lean into the touch, eyes fluttering as your lips part in anticipation. His thumb hooks beneath your jaw, gently tilting your face upward as he slowly leans in.

Your stomach dips, heart racing when his nose brushes yours, dragging along your skin for several long moments. Ragged breath mingles as both of you simply enjoy the newfound proximity. Your eyes close, mouth bracing for impact, until a sudden realization strikes you.

“Wait!” Your hand pushes against his chest, eyes popping wide as anxiety grips you.

Jake rears back, spine instantly rigid at the change of pace. He blinks down at you, utterly confused, searching your face for a sign that he did something wrong.

“We should—um...we should get back.” Your voice wobbles slightly with the declaration, chest tightening at the sight of him deflating before you.

Dread fills him, regret nearly splitting him in two as his heart clatters into his stomach. His mind races, wondering how he could've possibly misinterpreted the signals you were so clearly giving him. His hands and tail leave you, a dumbfounded nod the only response he's capable of at the moment.

You're quick to scurry away, chin tucked into your chest, tail lowered between your legs as you make a hasty exit. All he can do is stand there, watching you disappear through thick foliage, unsure what just happened. Fear prickles against his skin, panicked thoughts of your friendship being ruined plaguing him the entire journey back.

Much like that morning, you rush from the link pod the moment your consciousness reenters your body. Your feet hit the ground before Jake's pod is even open, but it doesn't stop you from crossing the small distance quickly. You wait with baited breath for him to emerge, heart threatening to give out at any moment.

He's surprised to see you waiting for him, avoids your eager gaze as his stomach turns at the memory of his earlier humiliation. He wants nothing more than to wheel his sorry ass to bed, and stay there for several days.

“Well...I’ll see you tomorrow.” He mumbles when he's safely in his chair, unable to leave you with nothing, though his eyes remain locked on the floor.

“Jake.” His traitorous arms stop the instant you call out to him, his already battered heart leaping hopefully.

You round his hunched form quickly, leaning down in an effort to catch his eyes, He still won't look at you, glancing at anything and everything to avoid the source of his turmoil.

“There's just one thing...”

Your fingertips hook under his chin, forcing his face toward you. Without allowing time for doubt, you duck down, capturing his lips with yours. His eyes pop open, brows raising in shock. He's only stunned for a split second before his hands leave the wheels of his chair, instead cupping both sides of your face tenderly.

Your mouths move together feverishly, months of pent up desire releasing through the passionate kiss. He groans into you, the low rumble landing firmly between your legs. His tongue prods against the seam of your lips, quickly taking control of the situation as his large hands pull you in.

Suddenly, he leans back, leaving just enough space between you to catch his breath.

“Trust me, I’m enjoying every second of this, but I thought…” His nose brushes along yours, eyes fluttering open to search yours.

Warmth blankets your cheeks, a coy smile pulling at your lips as you gaze down at him with every ounce of adoration you've been containing since the day you met.

“I didn’t want our first kiss to be in the Avatars.” Your murmur quietly, hands falling to his wrists, fingers curling around the steady hold on your face. “I want you, Jake Sully. The blue guy is just a bonus.”

A huge, boyish grin splits his face, matching your expression. Your admission washes over him, a pleasurable shiver rolling down his spine. Within seconds you're thrown off balance, a surprised yelp leaving you as he sweeps your feet from the floor, easily settling you onto his lap.

Your giggle is swallowed as his lips claim yours again. One of his hands leaves you, wheeling you toward his quarters blindly as he all but devours you, pure joy igniting in his chest.

@fanboyluvr @minjix @daeneeryss @aonungsmate @glimmering-darling-dolly

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

Please tell me the next chapter of Four Walls is coming soon 😔

the next chapter of four walls is coming, but realistically it's probably not coming soon, i'm really sorry 😔 i've had some very challenging stuff going on in my personal life since the summer, and it's seriously impacted my creativity and desire to write. to tell the truth, i've been in an absolutely awful headspace over the last couple months and have barely had the energy to reply to messages - let alone sit down and write fic. i lost all inspiration and and confidence in my ability to do anything justice, and for a long time actually wasn't sure i was ever going to be able to pick up my pen and continue writing four walls.

if i'm being totally honest, i'm still not 100% sure - but i have found myself slowly, helplessly pulled back into that fic over the last few weeks. it has its roots so deep in my heart that letting it go feels impossible. i have now tentatively started writing it again, but i think it'll take a little while for me to settle back into my rhythm and really feel the enjoyment of it again. it doesn't help that i ended up really hating the last chapter i posted and feel like i did such a big moment in the fic a massive disservice, but i'm trying not to focus on that and just absorb myself in where the characters are now. which is... not easy, because i've been struggling massively with dissociation for the last several months and connecting to anything has felt pretty much impossible. but just recently i've started getting little glimmers of how the world feels to alex again, and it's felt like an absolute lifeline. i'm trying to hold on as tight as i can and make the most of every moment in the hopes that they'll slowly pull me back into feeling like myself again, as writing this fic over the last year so often has.

i've been reluctant to post anything about this because i've had so much wonderful support on this fic that i'm so, so grateful for - and absolutely HATE the idea of disappointing or upsetting people. but i also wanted to be honest, because often i'm so preoccupied with wanting to reassure other people that i think i don't actually express what's going on for me enough (in so many contexts, not just this one). and that really isn't working out for me, so i'm trying to do things differently. because god knows i need things to be different.

to anyone who's still invested in four walls - please know how much your support means to me and how much i appreciate you 🫶🫶 i very, very much hope i'll be able to give you a new chapter in the not too distant future. i do have a lot for this next chapter already written, but i also have a lot of work to do before any of that is ready for posting. so yeah... the new chapter of four walls isn't coming soon (it certainly won't be out before the new year, anyway), but right now it feels like a huge step to be able to say that it is still coming 💜

[estebanocon]

Ok, here's my recap of seeing Esteban over the Singapore GP! I've been attending every Singapore GP since 2017 and have supported Esteban each year. For me the highlight from this year was finding out that not only does he recognise my face, he also knows my name. 🥹

The video above is a compilation from two days: Thursday and Saturday. Full story below the cut. 👇

PRE-RACE WEEKEND / ESTEBAN'S BIRTHDAY

I've been travelling since late July and my flight back to Singapore from Vancouver was actually on Esteban's birthday. I had already committed to editing a video to celebrate his achievements at Alpine. Some of you (bless y'all, seriously) answered my open call for art/video/message submissions and I spent the afternoon before my flight putting it together. I'm happy I got it done and I was even happier when Esteban commented thanking us for it just before I got on my plane. You can watch the video on Instagram here.

THURSDAY

A.K.A. The day after I arrived back in Singapore after 2 months on the road and a 16-hour time difference. I have no idea how I wasn't severely jetlagged lol.

I got to the paddock entrance after 1pm, early enough to still get a spot in front of the barrier, but gosh there were so many people this year. Either F1 has really exploded in popularity (especially with the younger generation) or we just have more fans from overseas coming to Singapore for the race (why tho, it's so hot y'all). Luckily I had a friend with me and he was kind enough to help me take videos when Esteban arrived.

My friend hadn't hit record yet so the video missed Esteban saying "good to see you again, how are you doing?", and you can scroll back up for the rest. ☺️ He thanked me after I asked if he'd seen the birthday video and then there was an awkward moment when I didn't know if we were doing a fist bump or a handshake but man's a gentleman and didn't make me feel weird about it. 🫠

I don't know why after seeing him so many times I still get nervous but I was, and I struggled to take the cap off my marker so he could sign my cap. He very kindly took it from me to open it himself but my marker betrayed me and wasn't working properly (now that I think about it, it also happened the very first time I asked him to sign my hat back in 2017 🤡). Thankfully the girl next to me offered her red marker which actually worked (though Este stabbed the life out of it first to be sure). 🙏

I initially wanted to hang around in the evening with some friends who were coming after the pitlane walk. But at 7pm it was already super crowded and I don't even know why (all the drivers, TPs and media are already in the paddock at this point and won't come out till late that night). So yeah, I just went home to not tire myself out before the race weekend actually started.

FRIDAY

I've accumulated quite a bit of merch since last year so I was bringing a different one on each day for him to sign haha. In the selfie I'm wearing a shirt he signed the day before.

I normally try not to take up too much of his time because he always does his best to make sure all the fans get something from him. I only had one shirt for him to sign but after he did, he continued standing in front of me so I just took out my phone for this picture and then he went on his way. Este is bestie fr. 😭🫶

I didn't hang around outside the paddock again on Friday night because I went to watch OneRepublic. ✨

SATURDAY

The best day for me because this was when I managed to get most of my selfies (including with Mick, who I missed on Thursday because he came with Esteban and obv I have priorities) and also because Esteban managed to drag the car out of Q1. 👏

It was also a good day because I asked Esteban if he could write my name on the cap and as I was trying to spell it out for him, he cut me off because he knew, he just didn't see it was me at first because some guy had draped a huge flag over my friend and me for him to sign. 😭🫶

We tried to wait outside the paddock after qualifying but they started chasing us out at 12am and since they had armed police out in full view, we decided to not fk around and find out. (At previous SGPs they'd stay in the van so we never actually saw them.) Also didn't help that Esteban chose that moment to leave so people started mobbing him and even though he tried to stop at first, security physically pushed him to the exit. 🥲 (which was probably for the best tbh)

SUNDAY

I actually gave Este the wrong hat to write my name on (I wanted him to write it on the cap from his store, not the Alpine one) so I had to ask him again and he kindly obliged.

That night I was lucky to catch him just before he left the circuit, there were some fans running alongside him because he wasn't stopping but he stopped when he saw me. 😭🫶 I got a quick hug and he said see you next year so I guess the greedy mfs at SGP are going to continue getting my money smh.

BONUS ESTE'S BESTIES

Here's a picture of stuff I got signed by Este, as well as some gifts I got from other Esteban fans! And also, a picture of me and Fiq who I met for the first time on race day.

[kimbappykidding]

Other Parts: Part One, Part Two and Part Four.

V felt better than he had in a long time. He had a clear goal in mind and that gave him purpose and a reason to wake up in the morning. You. He knew now the future he wanted involved you and while that future was not guaranteed it gave him something to work for.

The first thing he did was cut out all his crutches, the booze the girls and everything in between. He didn't put anything in his body that he shouldn't and he immediately started feeling the benefits. Next, he started taking work more seriously. He began exercising to get his stamina back up to what it could be and went with Jimin to his vocal coaching appointments. He was on time at work and stayed late whenever he needed to. About a month in RM commented on V's progress and V thanked him but he wouldn't feel proud until you noticed the change in him.

Now his life was more stable he started working on himself. He started talking to a counsellor about his worries and struggles and she helped him come up with healthier mechanisms. He got checked out to make sure all the partying and sex hadn't affected his health or made him catch anything and felt so reassured when all his tests came back clean. He started examining his friendships and any that weren't okay with him taking a healthier approach to his life, he cut off. The guys in particular seemed happy when he told them he wasn't hanging around with that crowd anymore and he realised his members had been through a lot too.

He saw his family more and made sure to spend time with his mum in particular. He went home for her birthday for the first time since he'd broken up with you and she burst into tears when she saw him. He had no idea she'd missed him that much and promised to visit her more which just made her cry even more. Of all the things he'd done, this was what you noticed first.

When you came off hiatus you decided to just pretend V didn't exist so didn't look in his direction at any events and were hypervigilant about anything BTS. However, on your private Instagram, you could look at what you wanted and you'd seen the video on V's mum's Instagram of V surprising her for her birthday and were pleased. She was so happy to have her son back and he stayed with her for several days which was nice. V looked healthier in the photos and you couldn't help but notice that all his family members had alcohol but he clearly had a bottle of water instead. You had no idea if it was just a coincidence or not. You remembered what V had said at the end of his apology text about wanting to become a better person if you wanted him. Was this what he meant?

You were curious and so you asked your members what V was doing and they reported he'd dropped his toxic friends and they hadn't seen him at a nightclub in weeks. "Apparently he's performing better too" Yuqi said "my friend at Hybe said he's working hard to be a better idol and is always practising, exercising or rehearsing. They think he's turned over a new leaf but I'll believe it when I see it". "Or when it actually lasts long term" Soyeon said "he could easily revert back to his old ways". You nodded along but were a mixture of confused and dare you say excited? This must be the change V meant and if he did pull it off...well then you might think differently about letting him into your life again.

"Why?" Minnie asked noticing your frown and you shook your head "no reason". That convinced nobody. Soyeon narrowed her eyes at you and Yuqi shook her head "no come on, what's the reason?". You shook your head "nothing just...V said something to me after that video was leaked and I was wondering if he really meant it". The girls were SO curious so you showed them the text and were met with silence. "So you think...he's serious?" Shuhua asked cautiously "that he's changing like he promised?". You shrugged "I don't know...maybe?". "Do you want him to?" Soojin asked and you frowned "I don't know! Am I an idiot if I do?". "No!" Miyeon said "not at all!" and the girls all echoed her except Yuqi. She was the most straight-talking of the members so you looked at her and called her name. "Yuqi, what do you think?" you asked. She looked down and then up at you. "I don't know, part of me wants to just bundle you up and take you away from him because he does not deserve a second chance and I don't want you to get hurt if he reverts back to his usual ways". "So you think I shouldn't get my hopes up?" you asked and Yuqi shook her head "not at all and I think he's definitely doing all this for you". "You do?" you asked and Yuqi nodded "100% but I just hope it lasts. I think you need to give him time to mess up honestly. I'm worried he'll break your heart again if you go back to him now". You blinked "woah Yuqi I'm not planning to go back to him now". "You're not?" she asked with a hint of relief in her voice and you shook your head "god no! I was just checking if there were any reasons to hope this might be a good sign". Yuqi smiled "there's always a reason to hope, we'll keep an eye out for signs for you" and the girls all rushed to agree. "Thank you" you smiled at them "I promise I won't rush into anything" and from how tightly they all hugged you, you knew they all felt like Yuqi. They didn't want to see you hurt, you just hoped you'd be able to protect yourself better than last time.

V felt like his life was finally on track again but he reminded himself he couldn't expect you to suddenly come rushing to him. You might not actually be interested in his anymore or the damage might've already been done. He might've destroyed your trust in him and you needed solid proof before you were ready. Or maybe there was someone else or you were taking a break from dating after that leaked video nearly wrecked your career. There were so many reasons why you could be hesitating and V couldn't get ahead of himself. So he kept his head down and just carried on but some of your joint friends had different ideas.

Kai had noticed the changes in V majorly and he also knew about the text he'd sent you. At first, he was angry. Did V really think not sleeping with tons of girls and stopping putting toxins in his body for a few weeks would make things okay? He hoped you wouldn't fall for it and had his obligatory "he's not good enough for you" friend speech ready but he didn't need it. You didn't mention V and everything seemed to be okay...but then Kai started believing it. He'd known V for a while and heard a lot about him through Jimin and despite everything he didn't think V was a calculating person. He knew how to play the game and act when he had to but he wasn't malicious...so was this change real?

One day when he was hanging out with Jimin he "casually" asked how V was. Jimin looked at Kai almost questioningly and then nodded "he's good". "How good?" Kai asked "just the news has been really quiet about him lately. Is he on hiatus or something?". Jimin shook his head "no that's been all V, he's been a different person lately and all that's behind him". Kai snorted "yeah sure!" Kai smirked and Jimin shook his head "it's true!". "Jimin, I know he's your member but come on, I've seen him on a night out. Guys like that don't change". Kai didn't mean what he said but he wanted to prod Jimin into spilling more and it worked.

"Well you clearly don't know him and are judging him like everyone else!" Jimin burst and Kai held up his hands "calm down, no need to get mad". Jimin nodded "I know but he's been working really hard lately. It's not just his health and his worth ethic which he's taken charge of. He's repairing family relationships, he cut out bad friends who use him and he's talking to someone about the pressure and stress we're under! He's doing so well Kai and I don't care if you run and tell Y/n or not but he's doing amazing and I'm so proud of him". Kai nodded "you should be, it sounds like he's doing great". Jimin nodded taking a breath and after he'd calmed a little changed the subject but V stayed on Kai's mind the rest of the day.

Kai watched V even closer and recruited his members to also watch him and report back anything bad they'd heard but there wasn't much of that except a small bit from Sehun. "Binna is pissed at him" he excitedly said one day, taking to his detective role very happily. "Why?" Baekhyun asked "because he broke up with her?". Sehun nodded "apparently he'd ended things with her lots of time before" he said, doing air quotes when he said ended "but they always got back together or well Binna could find some way to convince him to carry on but not this time. According to my source, she's tried everything even showing up at his apartment in the middle of the night wearing nothing under her coat. He wouldn't even open the door to her and when she wouldn't leave he called her members to come get her. Apparently she went kicking and screaming". "Wow" Kai said "that must've been horrible for him" and all the guys nodded. "Are you going to tell Y/n?" Chanyeol asked and Kai noddded "I think I have to, I know she still cares about him and if he really has changed then I think he could make her happy". "Yeah and if he doesn't she knows we'll all kill him right?" D.O. asked and Kai smiled "I will make that crystal clear.

Kai did exactly that. He sat you down one day and explained why he thought you might just be able to listen to what V said. He warned you he'd only been watching him for 2 months so it might not be long term but so far it was looking good. "I'm not telling you this to tell you to get back with him" Kai said "just so you've got all the information. I'd considered keeping it from you but knew I couldn't do that. I want to protect you but I also want you to be happy and V might be able to do that". You got goosebumps as Kai said that and nodded "I've been watching him too, it looks good right?". Kai smiled "it really does" and you both exchanged things you'd noticed and were pleased with. "Okay so what do I do next?" you asked and when Kai hesitated you smiled "and I don't mean romantically. That's in the back of my mind but I want to start off as friends first. So how do you think I do that?". Kai smiled "leave it to me".

"Okay" Kai said the next time he saw Jimin "what would you say if I told you Y/n was open to being friends with V again". Jimin's huge eyes got even wider "WHAT!" he cried "she said that? She's open to him? This is amazing!". Kai held up his hands "calm down, I'm just feeling things out". "But you must think she's open to it if you're asking me" Jimin pointed out. Kai nodded "we've both noticed the changes in V's behaviour and they've seemed pretty consistent...and that is the only reason I am encouraging this" Kai said "if I thought for a second V was trying to trick or deceive Y/n..." Kai started but Jimin shook his head "he's not Kai. Trust me, I like Y/n and don't want to see her hurt. If I thought he wasn't serious I would tell you to put her off but he's deadly serious. He's had laser focus and it's really impressive". Kai nodded "okay great, so how do we do this? Y/n is open but also nervous". Jimin frowned "would she be okay if V messaged her or should we do something a little more organic?". Kai nodded "I like your thinking, what are you doing next Saturday?".

Chanyeol's birthday party was pretty low-key to say how popular the stunning rapper was but he liked it that way. However, lowkey for an idol meant a party with 100 people and so Kai managed to get two tickets for Jimin and V to attend. He'd checked with you in advance and you were okay with it and actually a little excited. Even though you were definitely coming at this from a friendship perspective, you still dressed extra nicely tonight knowing V would be here. Kai was probably more nervous than you and with two good reasons 1. he had helped organise this so if V hurt you it would be his fault and 2. Yuqi had threatened to kick his ass if no.1 happened. So Kai was fluttering around you nervously when he saw V enter.

You hadn't noticed, too busy chatting to NCT's Johnny and Kai was unsure if he should warn you or not. V saw him watching him and gave him a small nod which Kai returned. Kai took a seat next to you and you could just tell from the look on his face V was here. Sure enough, when you searched you found him. He was at the bar with Jimin but he didn't order anything. He looked nothing like the last few times you'd seen him. Before he'd either been cocky and smug or emotional and frantic. This time he seemed softer, you watched him smile at something Jimin said and nod to some Red Velvet members who passed him. You looked down, worried he'd look up and see you watching him and felt a little flushed. You reminded yourself the whole point of V being here tonight was so you could talk to him and wondered how you'd do that.

Luckily it happened pretty casually. You were walking with NCT's Doyoung and Jeno when Jeno saw Jimin and rushed to hug him. Jeno had apparently met Jimin years ago at some event before he was an idol and they'd remained friends. Doyoung also went over to greet Jimin and V. You followed and smiled at Jimin before looking at V. He was staring at you a little and looked almost stunned you were in front of him but he quickly smiled and bowed to you. He said a polite hello to everyone and the conversation continued. You let Jimin and Jeno talk before looking back at V. He caught your eye and smiled "I liked your latest comeback" he said softly. You smiled "thank you, it was a lot of work but it turned out well". He nodded "I can imagine it was, the concept was so cool and the routine looked really difficult". You nodded "it was, I still don't think my thighs have recovered" and V laughed. You liked the sound of his laugh and smiled a genuine smile. V noticed and paused "would you like to go have a chat? I'd love to catch up on how work and stuff is going?" and you nodded.

The two of you talked for about half an hour and it was a little awkward but sweet. V was careful with you and you could tell the effort he was putting in. He'd clearly remembered everything you liked when you were together and when he asked about your favourite sports team you had to smile. "I thought about you when they won" he admitted and you did blush a little at that. He asked you tons of questions and watched you answer with his attention fully fixed on you. You could see Kai and your members watching you nervously so decided to wrap things up before anything could go wrong. "Yeah of course!" V said "it's been so nice speaking to you, would it be okay if I texted you?" he asked and you nodded "yeah I'd like that" and V smiled.

So after that, the two of you were in contact. It started off slowly, exchanging polite conversations and funny photos before it got more casual and evolved into meeting up. The two of you had to be super careful not to be photographed together but V always made sure you came first and were comfortable with where you wanted to go. You went to all your old hangouts and also lots of new ones. V commented on how much you'd grown since you'd last been friendly and you did feel proud. You weren't the same person as before and had matured so much...the same could be said for V. He was different not only from when you last new him but also from the sex-obsessed party boy you'd come to know him as. He explained to you what some of these changes involved and how he'd given up the drink and other addictive substances. He admitted he didn't know who he was in those times and how he enjoyed his life a lot more now. You were so happy to hear that and had noticed a huge difference in him but didn't really know what to do from here.

You'd told Kai you just wanted to get to know V as friends and you'd done that. You'd sussed him out and liked what you saw but what now? You were terrified to take the next step even though on paper everything was straightforward. V was stable, healthy and in a place for commitment. You still had great chemistry and had never stopped finding him attractive. You felt great when you were around him and found yourself missing him when you didn't get to see him for a bit. So why couldn't you just tell him you wanted him?

It was really bothering you and V noticed you seemed more anxious than usual so he asked you why and it all spilled out. "I don't know what's wrong with me!" you admitted "everything is perfect but something's making me hold back". V shook his head "nothing's wrong with you Y/n, I hurt you really badly several times so of course you've learnt to be cautious around me and it's not in your nature to jump into something with me". You frowned "I know but I figured if I spent time with you that fear would go and it hasn't! We've been hanging out for nearly 3 months now and I'm still wary of going any further. The attraction isn't the issue either, I like you and I want you I just can't" you said exasperated. V nodded and patted your hand "Y/n it's okay, you don't need to blame yourself. The problem is clearly me and something you're not getting from me so think, what do you need me to do?" V asked "seriously just tell me and I'll do it". "V it's not that simple" you sighed but he shook his head "no it is, you tell me absolutely anything you need from me and I'll do it to prove how serious about you I am". You shook your head "I want there to be something, some act that can make it all better but I don't know V...I'm not sure if there's anything that can reassure me enough. I'm too nervous and scared about the whole thing".

That broke V's heart. "I never want to make you upset" he said and you smiled sadly "and you haven't, these past months have been so nice and I'm really glad you're back in my life...I just don't know if it was wise. I feel like it's made us both want each other and I didn't want to give you false hope but I just don't know what you could possibly do to prove it all to me". V nodded "I understand, can I still see you?" he asked "or do you think that would be too painful for you?". You shook your head "I don't want to lose you V just maybe we'll need a break for a bit. If I see you right now it's just going to remind me of what I can't have and that will just make me upset and depressed". V nodded "okay I respect that, if you think of anything I can do though can you let me know?". You hesitated before nodding "I can't think of anything that would prove to me how serious about all of this you are but of course yeah, if I think of anything I'll tell you".

You parted ways quickly after that with heavy hearts and V was wracking his brains of ways he could fix this. What you said last to him stuck in his mind. He gave it a few days and when his mind still didn't change he decided to go for it. It was the riskiest thing he'd ever done but if it showed you how serious about you he was, it would all be worth it.

V set up his phone and purposefully chose a room in the studio that locked. He'd vaguely told the staff he was going live but left it at that so technically he never lied to them about what he was going to do.

He quickly greeted fans after he went live and then got to the point. "So I know this in unplanned but I'm here today because I've got something I need to confess. The truth is, I'm in love with Y/n from G-(I)dle" V said. He felt the atmosphere change even though it was a virtual medium and knew this was monumental but kept going. "We dated for 3 years and broke up 5 years ago because I wasn't a good boyfriend. I was immature, unsupportive and wasn't happy having one amazing girl. Y/n put up with me for way longer than she deserved" V said as a member of staff tried the locked door. "When she ended it with me I was happy because it was the excuse I needed to sleep with any girl I wanted but I now realise it was the worst moment of my life. Y/n was an amazing girlfriend, she was caring, thoughtful and made me feel like I could do anything. She loved me more than I even knew was possible and with her I just felt at home" V said smiling slightly at the memory before his smile vanished "but then I ruined everything" he said. "I'm telling you all this because some of you have taken it upon yourselves to abuse Y/n for dating me. I'm telling you all if you want a villain, it's me. I started that argument you all saw with Y/n because I was selfish and wanted her to come back and save me after all I'd put her through. I was a jerk but I wasn't the one put on hiatus or punished and anyone who harassed her is not a true fan of mine" he said shaking his head in anger. The person trying to get in started knocking on the door getting louder and louder and V sighed "I'll be cut off soon but I wanted you all to know. I love Y/n and will never love anyone else like I love her. She is the greatest person I know and I would give up everything, all of this" he said gesturing around the room "for her...because she's really that special and I wanted you all to know that".

He ended the stream and opened the door, ready to face the consequences.

[destinyc1020]

Sunday Confession: Watched the Dune Q&A and can’t help to think that Zendaya is so personable and on another level. She is so great at answering questions and just being very charismatic. She even got an applause for one of her responses when no one else did. The guys were seriously struggling. They need better prep and training next time. Austin is great to look at but honey there’s not much there yet. Timothee was just struggling and avoided answering questions . lol

I finally had a chance to watch the entire Dune Part 2 Q&A yesterday.

I'm assuming this is the interview you're referring to?

Did we watch the same interview lol? 😅 Even the comments from people under the video had nothing but great things to say about the cast and the interview!

I mean, Zendaya is definitely a mega-star, and has had that Disney media star training, so she's learned to come out of her shell more, plus, she's been on several big blockbuster press tours for Spiderman, so yea, she shines brightly in this type of arena! 😊

At the same time though, I didn't feel that Timmy and Austin did poorly? 🤔 They answered the questions just fine imo. While their responses may not have garnered as many laughs and applause as Zendaya's, there were a couple of instances where both Austin and Timmy got laughs for their responses. 🤷🏾‍♀️

You have to remember that Timmy has awkward energy sometimes lol, that's just how he is lol 😆 And Austin is naturally shy, so he's usually going to be a bit more reserved. I would watch his "Elvis" press tour interviews to get more of an idea of his interviewing style.

Keep in mind too that while Zendaya has had a break from acting last year, and took months off with Tom after her Challengers press tour, Timmy and Austin have not really taken an extended break, and both are in the middle of filming movies where they've probably had 16-hour days on set, working late at night, and are probably also just exhausted lol. 😅

Even Z also added that they (the cast) hasn't done promo for Dune 2 since Feb, so they might be a little rusty on answering questions. I loved Z's little anecdotes which were funny, and she is very charming. 🥰

It's funny, coz some fans were saying that Z looked nervous and not herself at the Brazil ComicCon for Dune Part 2 last November (I believe?). 😅 I think we have to remember that actors are just people.... sometimes, they might be feeling anxious, tired, stressed, having a bad day, etc.

I personally thought the cast did great, and it's obvious they all get along just fine. 😊

[crystalsnow95z]

Could you do Joon with a high fever and stomach bug during a comeback stage? Caretaker ot6...how they help him

It feels like I'm writing a lot of sick joonie lately.. my two part flu, my collab story and another story where he's sick at a concert..

I'm sorry it took so long halfway through writing. I hated it and started a new idea..

It's staying as long as it is..I'm done editing it >.< I have no idea why I obsessed over this so long, and hate it or not this is how it's staying

Tw: fever, vomit

Namjoon adds one more layer of foundation to try to cover up his pale skin without making it too obvious that he put on makeup carefully, adding it around his face moles so they don't get covered.

I'm doing much better this morning.. I don't need the others worrying about me..

Namjoon checks himself out once more in the mirror before taking a seat at the table, picking up a pair of chopsticks to eat with the others.

"I can't believe this is the last practice before the concert.." Jimin pushes the rice around with his chop sticks, struggling to calm the nerves that knotted his stomach.

"Don't worry, Jiminie. I know you'll do great. We've been practicing for a couple of months and we did it perfectly yesterday." Taehyung tries to quell Jimin's anxiety, rubbing his hand across his knee.

"But for the past week, we've been a member short.." Jimin glances at Namjoon, who just sat next to him. Their leader has been fighting with some sort of stomach bug, unable to eat anything without it coming back up again.

"Don't worry about me. Yoongi-hyung has been sending the practice recordings to watch, and I already learned the choreography before I got sick. I'm fine." Namjoon takes a mouthful of rice to try to prove his point.

"Are you sure you're well enough to perform? You were able to hold dinner down last night, but you still shouldn't push yourself. " Seokjin worries about the youngest rapper, reaching to check if his fever really was gone.

"I'm fine, Hyung. I was cleared to perform tonight. I'll just take it easy." Namjoon allows Seokjin to place his hands on the back of his neck to help ease his mind, the older relieved when he doesn't feel the heat that's been radiating off it for several days.

What Namjoon wasn't telling him is that he was still taking medicine to keep his fever under control, and last night, even though he never threw up, his stomach still cramped up keeping him up most of the night.

We worked on perfecting this album for over a year, I can't let our hard work be in vain just because of a stomach ache.. I have to perform tonight..

Namjoon ate even with his stomach still feeling bloated, knowing if he refused to eat, the others would suspect something was wrong. He kept his bites small, washing them down with sips of water.

"It's really good, we should order it again when the show is over." Jungkook says through a mouthful of food, changing the subject to a lighter one.

"Don't eat too much, though Koo. You don't want to be too full before practice." Jin warns.

"Joon-ah you shouldn't eat too much either, I know you're probably hungry from hardly eating but you need to slowly start eating again.." J-hope frets over Namjoon.

"Don't worry Hobi, I only had some of the kimchi fried rice.. I don't want to push my luck.." Namjoon reassures his fellow 94liner with a gentle smile. "I feel much better today, really. You guys worry too much."

"Seriously, don't overdo it, and if you start to feel unwell, tell me right away, okay?" J-hope places his hand on Namjoon's shoulder, biting his lip when he notices that he could see more of Namjoon's collar bone. "Joon, you lost weight.."

"I wanted to lose a bit of weight anyway." Namjoon brushes off J-hope's grip. "Eat Hoba. You hardly ate anything. You need to keep your energy up. You got a tough slot tonight." He tries to turn the tables, but J-hope refuses.

"Yeah, but the way you lost it isn't healthy. I'll be fine..."J-hope watches Namjoon for a moment before taking another bite. Namjoon has pain hidden behind those eyes, and it looks like he hasn't slept.

"I told you, I'm fine." Namjoon says looking away from J-hope's eyes, jumping when he sees Taehyung standing next to him. "Sh*t! You scared me.."

"Sorry Hyung, I made some ginger tea for you." Taehyung places a cup in front of Namjoon, giving a shy smile.

"Thanks, Tae.." Namjoon takes it gratefully, hoping it would help settle his stomach. But since he made it, he also doesn't believe I'm better..

"No problem. Even if you do feel better. Better safe than sorry, right?" Taehyung gives a warm smile before sitting back down next to Jungkook.

"Right.." Namjoon sips on the tea, relaxing when the warm liquid soothes his aching stomach. "It's really good."

"Shoot, we have to leave in ten minutes." J-hope says after noticing the time, shoving one more bite into his mouth before starting to clean up the table.

Jungkook jumps to help J-hope clean up the table, taking care of Namjoon's mess for him. "I got it, hyung."

"I put the extra tea from the pot in here for you Namjoon-ah." Taehyung hands him his BT21 thermos.

"I said I'm feeling better. Don't worry so much." Namjoon places his hand on Taehyungs head, ruffling his hair.

Namjoon normally didn't feel car sick, yet the moment the car started moving, his stomach felt painfully tight, the seat belt pressing against it making it worse. He tucks his arm around it, using it to stop the strap from touching his aching middle.

"Hyung are you okay?" Jimin asks when he sees Namjoon wrap his arm around his stomach.

"Yeah, I just started feeling sick when we got in the car.. I'll be fine when we reach the stadium." Namjoon felt his stomach flip when the driver made a turn, a small groan escaping.

"Poor Hyungie. Try looking out the window and focusing on the horizon. It might help." Jimin says sympathically, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. Usually, it was him or J-hope who got motion sick, but on rarer occasions, the others suffered too.

Namjoon stares out the window, keeping his eyes on the setting sun, but it doesn't do much to help settle his aching stomach, though not throwing up was enough to please him. "It helped..thanks Jimin-ah.."

Jimin smiles. "No problem. I'm happy to help."

Namjoon focuses on the voices of his teammates chatting, their excitement helping him be distracted from the pain.

"Army will be so surprised with the new choreography! Especially the hook part! I can't wait to show them!" Jungkook speaks with excitement.

"That's because you plan to flash your belly." Jimin teases him, remembering the move he added to practice yesterday.

"Not my belly.. my.." Jungkook stops in mid sentence to check if his abs were still there after his meal, peeking down his shirt. "My abs!" He confirmed, making the others laugh.

Namjoon smiled, knowing what happened even without looking at Jungkook. He presses his cheek against the window, the cold glass feeling nice on his hot skin. I'll have to take another dose of medicine when we get there...

"You should flash yours with me! Jiminie-hyung and Taehyungie-Hyungie. In the part where it's just us three!"

"Unlike you, I don't quite have abs.." Jimin says with a tinge of pink. "I don't work out as much as I used to back in our debut days."

"Yes, you do.. i saw them a few days ago, and even if you don't, that doesn't matter. Army will still love it." Jungkook reaches over to Jimin to lift up his shirt, but the older vocalist holds it down.

"Jungkook-ah! Stop that! Go bother Tae about his. He's been working out with Namjoonie-hyung." Jimin fights off Jungkook's hands, grabbing his wrists, trying to sound serious, but a smile gives away he's not actually upset.

"He's not the one who says he doesn't have any, you did." Jungkook points out, now trying to peer down his neck line, Jimin using one hand tp hold down his bottom and one near his neck.

"Namjoonie-Hyung got sick like a week after we started. I dont think my body is that great either." Taehyung states, getting the attention off his soulmate, smiling with amusement.

"It was pretty close when you started." Jungkook moves to his next target,trying to lift Taehyung’s shirt to check. "I bet you got at least a little toned!"

"Stop that tickles..." Taehyung giggles, trying to fight off the mankae. "Jungkook-Ah..!" He laughs when Jungkooks fingers brush against his side.

"I feel them!" Jungkook smiles.

Namjoon was thankful for all the noise the youngers were making. It covered up the gurgling of his stomach, discreetly rubbing his hand across it. But not discreetly enough.

"You okay Namjoon-ah?" Yoongi asks, looking over Namjoon with a worried expression. "You're not gonna be sick are you?" He looks around the van, trying to look for a bag.

"Oh, no. I'm fine, I was just thinking about my own body. I probably lost mine while i was sick.." Namjoon wasn't lying to him, just not telling him the real reason. He looks at his reflection in the window. "

"You planning to join the maknae’s stage antics to make army scream?" Yoongi smiles with amusement, raising an eyebrow, dropping the subject.

"Nah, I'll let them have the fun. I hope they don't waste all their energy before the show even started." Namjoon smiles, taking a sip of his tea.

Namjoon's stomach didn't settle when he got out like he hoped. Maybe it wasn't carsickness... Every jump, every turn, every quick position change. It made him feel worse. He was happy they didn't go all out for stage practice. His stomach gurgled angrily at the movements, but he didn't dare touch it to try to ease the pain. He knew the others were keeping a close eye on him.

"That was great, everyone!" J-hope tells his team with a warm smile. "That's enough practice for today. Namjoon-ah, you're sweating more than usual. Are you sure you're okay to perform tomorrow?"

"I lost some of my stamina, but I'll be fine. With a crowd cheering, it'll be much easier. I'll get to bed early tonight." Namjoon walks away from J-hope to get water, but when he goes to bend down to get it, another wave of pain washes over him, making him stumble forward.

"Woah, i got you." Jimin grabs him by the shoulders to steady him."Here, hyung, you can have mine.." Jimin offers his water bottle, helping him to the floor. "You should rest a bit.. You haven't fully recovered yet.."

"Thanks, Jimin.." Namjoon smiles forcing his voice to sound normal despite the cramping that made him feel dizzy.

"Jimin-sii! We figured out the part where all three of us can flash our abs! Come here!" Jungkook calls to him.

"Aiish, that kid.." Jimin smiles fondly.

"Go on. I'm fine." Namjoon shoos him away before Jimin realizes he wasn't just tired. He only allows himself a minute to rest, taking small sips of water before getting up to join the olders.Yoongi and J-hope were fussing over the minor details. "No, I think we should do more center stage.."

Namjoon went to ask what they were discussing, but a stomach cramp made nothing come out but a breathy groan, taking a few steps back before they noticed he approached.

Why now...? I need to get better not worse..

"I think we should do two songs on the left stage, three center and two on the right.." Yoongi countered.

"Namjoon-ah what do you think?"

J-hope was trying to ask him for advice, but he was too focused on keeping his stomach under control, walking a bit ahead of them to keep them from looking at him. "I trust your judgment.Do whatever you think is good Hoba."

"You don't trust mine?" Yoongi tries to tease him playfully, but Namjoon's eyes widen when he feels like he just disrespected his hyung.

"No, no its not like that Yoongi..I'm sorry." Namjoon does a slight bow, not wanting to bend.

"You don't have to be sorry.. Since we got that settled, let’s go back to the hotel." Yoongi gently pushed him towards the stairs.

He must be exhausted from practice. I think he came back too soon.

"I'll round up the kids." J-hope goes to the mankae line to tell them it was time to go, having the exact same thought as Yoongi.

The next day came, but instead of feeling better, Namjoon found himself three steps back. He woke up at six in the morning, dry heaving on the bathroom floor, already empty from the salad he had for dinner that night.

He was tempted to call Jin or Yoongi to come to his room, but then the concert popped in his mind, only making him feel worse..

It must just be stress and nerves.. I was cleared.. I can't still be sick..

Namjoon continued to lie to himself as he shakily rose to his feet getting himself a cup of hot water to try to sooth his raw throat.

"I don't have time for this...the concert is tonight.." Namjoon sighs, looking at his reflection in the mirror, seeing the dark circles and red cheeks. "I look awful.."

Namjoon quickly showers, putting on another layer of make up and taking another round of medicine to try to fight off the sickness that wouldn't leave.

"Good morning Hyung, did you sleep well?"

Jimin greets him with a worried expression when they meet up together to go back to the stadium. "Me and Junggukkie went out this morning to get you vitamins to try to help your energy for tonight."

"Thanks Jiminie..i probably slept a good five hours. It's hard to sleep on the first day of a concert.. especially when we're performing a song for the first time live." Namjoon replies, trying to keep the conversation off of him.

"I'm nervous but excited." Jungkook says bouncing his leg, clearly feeling more nervous than he's letting on.

"We practiced hard. We'll do fine." J-hope reassures him, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze.

Namjoon listened quietly to the others as they drove to the stadium, the others telling stories about past concerts, going over lyrics and practicing the native language. All the different conversations made his head spin.

"Are you okay Joon-ah?" J-hope asks when he sees Namjoon press his forehead into his palm.

"I'm just a little stressed, so it's giving me a headache. I'm worried about being able to keep up tonight." Namjoon couldn't say nothing was wrong.. not with J-hope. He was lucky his friend didn't catch on yesterday.

"If you want to sit on stage and just sing, you can Joon. You don't have to push yourself if you dont have the energy. I don’t want you fainting.." J-hope reassures Namjoon, squeezing his knee softly.

"Yeah joon. You shouldn't do more than you can.." Jin joins in the conversation, abandoning his conversation with Yoongi. Namjoon was more important than making sure he got the lyrics right..

"I'll see how I feel after the first few songs.. I know I'll feel stronger with army cheering. Don't worry about it. I'm just overthinking.." Namjoon tries to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal.

"Alright, but if I tell you you have to rest then you have to listen. Okay?" Jin speaks in a serious tone, not dropping it until he sees Namjoon nod.

I have to try...

Namjoon bit the inside of his cheek when he feels another cramp in his stomach. "Can we go over Just one day one more time?"

Namjoon took the cocktail of vitamins to try to fight off the fatigue that made him feel dizzy.

"Here hyung.." Taehyung gives him a thermos. "To help wash it down."

"Thanks Tete.." Namjoon guessed correctly when he let the warm liquid touch his tongue. It was tea, mixed with ginseng and honey.

"No problem.. ah..hyungie, are you sure you're okay?" Taehyung asks voice thick with worry.

"I can do this. Don't worry. Just focus on the concert.." Namjoon ruffles Taehyung's hair.

"Hyung! She just did my hair.." Taehyung pouts, swatting his hand away.

"Oh, sorry.. I didn't think of that." Namjoon lies. He knew exactly what he was doing. Getting rid of Taehyung before he got a closer look at him.

"It's okay. I'll get it redone." Taehyung returns to the stylist, bowing in apology.

Namjoon goes to his makeup stylist. "I'm sorry..I tried helping by doing a basic layer.." he was safe as long as staff was working on getting him ready. He just needed to do his best to not stick out before sound check.

Soundcheck came, all seven boys going on stage together, starting with just singing spring day then dancing to Fire. Spring day went smoothly, but when it came to the next song, he found himself out of sync, when he dropped low he couldn't jump back up as quickly as the others and no matter what he did go try to fix it, all the jumps made his stomach hate him even more.

Namjoon knew the choreography perfectly. They've done it multiple times at many concerts, award shows, even just as a warm-up during practices, but he just couldn't concentrate. He picked up his mistake right away, guilt churning in his stomach as he tries to correct himself, but he couldn't get himself back on track. He lost the beat.

Sh*t..fu*k..!

He tried to follow the movements of the others, nearly missing his part to rap when he notices everyone move back.

Namjoon closed his eyes, focusing on only the music, ignoring everything else. The pain in his stomach, the throbbing headache, the chills that kept making him shiver. No..no..I can do this..

His mind and his body weren't in agreement. He ran into Jin when he was trying to switch positions, but both boys pretended nothing happened.

Namjoon felt tears swelling up, each wrong step weighing heavier than the last, making him feel worse. I can't do this...

Namjoon had to get off the stage, but in his feverish state he ends up going the wrong way, nearly stepping off the stage, army squealing to see him so close, some trying to grab him.

"No Namjoon-ah!" J-hope is the one to grab hold of him, pulling him by the back of his jacket.

"Hoseok-Ah, what's wrong?" Namjoon jumps when he feels J-hope grab the back of his jacket, noticing the end of the stage quickly backing up two steps. "Oh sh*t!"

"Namjoon-ah.." J-hope moves in front of Namjoon to look into his eyes, noticing they don't focus on him, looking glassy. "Joon, are you okay?"

Namjoon quickly looks away when he sees J-hope's panicked expression, but it is too late, he's already checking him over placing the back of his hand across his forehead.

"Namjoonie, your fevers returned.." J-hope states, sucking his breath through his teeth. "You're burning up with fever. "

"I'm fine." Namjoon pushes his hand away. "It's just the stage lights. It's hot here."

"Then why didn't you take off your jacket if it's so hot?" Yoongi was done with his excuses. Hw takes Namjoon's hand, pulling him backstage. "Hoba, please handle things up here.."

J-hope nods, going by Seokjin. "We aren't doing the small talk with army.

"Why? What's wrong?" Seokjin asks as soon as J-hope approaches when he notices Yoongi and Namjoon leaving the stage.

"Namjoon is still sick..Yoongi went to take care of him.." J-hope answers, bowing to army when he passes them.

Jin wanted to follow Yoongi but knew they couldn't just abruptly leave. They had to be professional. He gathers the remaining members to quickly say goodbye to the army, trying his best to hide the concern.

"Stay here for a bit, we'll handle things backstage.." j-hope orders the younger members.

"Love you army!" Jimin yells into the mic, giving a thumbs up to j-hope.

"Sorry..." Jungkook apologize into his.

Seokjin goes backstage to find Yoongi striping Namjoon out of the jean jacket he was wearing. "Yoongi, how is he?"

"Namjoonie is running a high fever.." Yoongi explains, taking a towel to wipe the sweat from Namjoon’s face. "I can't believe I didn't notice until now."

"It's not a big deal.." Namjoon says softly, not having the energy to fight off Yoongi removing his shoes and socks.

"Be quiet Namjoon-ah.. let me take care of you." Yoongi gently orders him. "Joon, did you bring any medicine with you?"

Namjoon nods, Seokjin quickly going to find where the young rapper put it. He finds the liquid medicine Namjoon shoved in his bag pouring some out for him to drink.

"Hyungie is still sick?" Jungkook runs towards them.

"Did you explain things to army?"

"I did my best without trying to worry them.."

"I tried too, but they see right through my lies."Taehyung bows his head in apology. "I'm sorry hyung.."

"It's fine Hyung. They'd find out sooner or later." Yoongi takes the medicine from Seokjin, tipping the cup to Namjoon's lips.

Namjoon tries to swallow, but it doesn't make it past his throat before his breakfast from this morning makes a reappearance, heaving loudly as the half digested rice sprays across the floor before anyone has time to react.

"Sh*t..Sh*t Joon.." Yoongi looks around with widened eyes for something for him to get sick in before the next retching comes.

J-hope feels nauseous when he hears it, backing up slowly. Namjoon feels his stomach knot up even more with guilt when he sees him fleeing, along with seeing the mess he's made, some of the white mush hitting Yoongi's shoes. "I..i..so..rrp-" He burps up more sick puffing up his cheeks, refusing to let more hit the already soiled floor.

Seokjin provides him with one placing it in front of Namjoon, gently rubbing his back. "It's okay baby, it's okay.. it's not your fault.."

Namjoon allows the sick to fill the bin, gripping the small bin, his knuckles turning white. His stomach churns again, pushing up watery liquid. "Hyung...it h..hurts.." he says in a breathy whimper as his body continues, heaving not allowing him any breaks to breathe.

"I know, Joonah, I know.. it'll be over soon.. just try to take deep breaths.. you're hyperventilating, sweetie.."

"I..i..I ca..." Namjoon coughs, gagging up nothing but foamy salvia.

"You need to try.." Yoongi gently urges him.

Namjoon takes a deep breath, whimpering when he feels the pain burning his sides.

"That's it, good, good..." Seokjin let's go of the breath didn't even realize he was holding when he hears Namjoon's retching dying down, leaving the rapper trembling and fighting to catch his breath.

Seokjin gently peels Namjoons fingers from the waste bin, gently pulling him back away from the mess. "Here Joon-ah..lay down baby.. it's okay.."

Seokjin places Namjoon's head in his lap, gently moving his plastered bangs from his forehead, gently rubbing his thumb across Namjoon’s temple"There is that any better?"

"I..I'm dizzy..an..and the f..floor is c.cold..Hyung.." Namjoon murmurs, clinging to Seokjin's waist. The oldest vocalist gets startled by his sudden affection.

"Oh Joon-ah, you're really not doing well.." Yoongi takes the towel to wipe the sweat off of Namjoon's skin.

"We need to get him to a hospital.." Seokjin motions for the staff who's been watching the scene, but Namjoon grabs his wrist.

"I'll..I'll be okay in a few minutes..no..no hospital..i have to perform.." Namjoon coughs, his throat still burning.

"Hyungie.. you can't.. you're sick.." Jungkook kneels down in front of him. "I know how hard it is to sit out, but you can't perform .."

"I won't m.mmess up th..this time.." Namjoon whimpers out the words.

"No one cares you messed up, baby. You just can't perform in this condition.." Seokjin tries to stroke his hair but Namjoon pushes his hand away.

Namjoon sits up, swaying into Seokjin. "I..I have to! We've all been practicing for months, we've been getting army ex..exci..ted.. I..I can't d..disappoi.." His voice breaks off in a sob when his stomach turns into a ball of anxiety, clutching his stomach.

Jungkook hugs onto his ailing hyung. "Don't cry it's okay..it's..we understand, and so does army. You can't help it if you're sick.." he strokes Namjoon's back, feeling the heat radiating off of him. "You're gonna make yourself worse..pleaSe..?" The last word cracks as he breaks into a sob.

"Kook-ah don't.." Namjoon whispers.

Don't cry because of me..I've already ruined enough.. you still have to sing tonight..

"Hyungie I'm..I'm sorry.." Jungkook lip quivers, voice coming out as a shaky whimper when he feels Namjoon growing heavier in his arms the shivering worsening. "Namjoon-ah!"

"I..I'm..I'm okay..ju..jus..dizty..." Namjoon's words come out slurred, pressing his forehead into his shoulder.

"We need to cool him down.. could I have an ice pack?" Seokjin asks staff, already having some on hand. "Thank you.." he bows his head as he take one, placing it on the nape of Namjoon's neck after wrapping it in a towel.

"That's cold..!" Namjoon whines, clinging closer to the warm mankae.

"It's okay Hyung...I got you.." Jungkook rubs Namjoon’s shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension out wanting to do something to help. "You gotta rel..relax a little okay..?" His voice trembled with the tears that could not control.

Namjoon takes a few deep breaths, enduring the cold. I gotta..or I can't perform..

Jungkook sniffles, wiping his nose, feeling his heart and getting lighter when Namjoon stops leaning on him so heavily, the shivers becoming less violent. "I..I think it's working..'

"Sorry Jungkook-ah.." Namjoon murmurs an apology. "I..I'm good now.."

"Don't be sorry Hyungie.. it's okay. Lean on me as much as you want.."

Namjoon shakes his head. "No.. no..I'm being..a big baby..not your hyung.. You guys are right..I can't do this.."

Jungkook feels the tension in his body loosen when he hears Namjoon sounding more like himself. "It's okay.."

"Hyung...hyung listen!" Taehyung blurts out everyone getting quiet to listen.

"Kim Namjoon..It's okay!" The stadium were all cheering over and over.

Namjoon smiles softly. "Seems you're right Koo.."

[death4myluv]

bsf lore. warning, it's not crazy and prob therefore boring

I met my bsf when I was 3 yrs old. we were both at a princess class (don't ask). one of the actors thought me and him were siblings when we didn't know eachother. after that we were buddies for the whole day. our mom's exchanged info. turned out she was almost a yr older than me and lived a town over, someplace my family and I never needed to go. me and my bsf never would have met if not for this class.

Anyway, I can say I do not remember living without them. I don't remember my life before we were best friends. they have been my only bsf. we have known each other now for 14 yrs. I hope to keep knowing them 4ever.

we have never fought. not even as kids. no arguments over toys or different games to play (tho I did get very annoyed when she didn't want to play pretend horror lol, sure she had those moments w me too). the closest thing to an argument w him I remember was when he made me feel not smart by bragging abt school, and I cried to my mom abt it, and my mom brought it up to him and he started crying. but as soon as that happened we were hugging and saying sorry and it was over. that's all.

I have not gone more than a month without seeing them for as long as I can remember. this became rlly rought when they graduated last spring. now they live 8 hours away and I went all of fall without seeing her. :( I gen believe that the absence of her in my life played a huge role in my mental breakdown, but I will never tell her that.

Anyway I am pretty much in love w her. probably, idk. for the past year everytime we hang out I'm thinking abt how good a life w her would be. we have so much in common, seriously, and I want to spend the rest of everything in wtv way they'll allow me to for the rest of my life.

I see him as the kindest most selfless person in my world. I would have kms by now if not for him. I have had a few vivid nightmares where he takes his life, I can gen say that those r the worst dreams I've had. we have both struggled w a lot of the same mental health issues, thought I think mine might be more severe in the present. I'm always worried that they are actually like me rn. I'm always worried that I'm putting to much on them by having my problems. but if either of those things were true I would do anything to alleviate it. I can also gen say that seeing her cry makes me cry. like fr, not metaphorically; literally.

and in these past few months of terrible depression, all I rlly want is him. which doesn't make much sense, bc we never get thst emotionally intimate with eachother, but it's true. I've had to rework some of my future college plans bc I js can't do this shit how it is and I think being around them would help so much. in my world, I see them as my other half, even if I'm not theirs. and ig I'm okay w that. i do have some jealousy issues regarding her, but wtv.

ahh this is so stupid. I js don't know

the last time I saw them, when they came down for Thanksgiving, we went on a walk in the snow. they were so beautiful. I realized some things.

if the opportunity to date them presented, I wouldn't. it isn't the time for that yet. it's too.. special, ig, to not wait. I don't think that'd go well. I don't even want to do that. but I do really like the idea of trying when we are older and stable and can make smth work, like I imagine.

idk if I love them like that, but I do love them. i'd choose them everytime

[moonferry]

what's that? fsioy chapter 9 you say? preposterous!

omg hi guys i finished this chapter teehee. as much as i hate to say it, this is the last "good" chapter until kent gets back. shit is going to hit the fan and its going to hit HARD. so .. prepare yourselves. enjoy this softer one because ive had this idea since i created danny.

warnings: none!

word count: 2831

summary: it's been three months since kent's enlistment and he's adjusting to life overseas pretty easily. he recounts his "first day" and then has a heart to heart with a friend to cope with homesickness.

ao3 link: here

other chapters: chapter masterlist

July 19XX, Soldier’s Quarters – Middle Of The War

It had been three months since Kent arrived. He had managed to survive basic training and was appointed to border patrol. However, with Danny pulling some strings, Kent was soon moved onto the survey corps with his two friends - Danny and Lee. Getting used to the rigid structure certainly took some time, but he found his body was adjusting quite nicely. Kent noticed his body began to wake before the 4 a.m. wake up call. He used these 15 or so minutes to relax, simply taking a moment of quiet to himself. Other times, he would spend his spare moments writing down the events that took place and drafting letters to Jodi.

However, he could never forget his first “actual” day: Kent, who had been previously accustomed to waking up at 7 in the morning, was quite surprised when the morning bugle horn sounded at the heinous hour of 4 in the morning. He was even more confused that the general in charge of his cabin referred to it as “‘oh-four hundred hours”. He groggily pushed himself into a sitting position, looking around and noticing several other recruits appearing just as confused as he was. The older soldiers appeared used to it and immediately sprang into action, practically leaping from their bunks and beginning their daily tasks. 

“C’mon, Kent,” A familiar voice called from the bunk beneath him. Kent looked around and tried to determine who was speaking. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and allowed them to focus on Lee, who was already grabbing a spare uniform and tossing it in Kent’s direction. “We’re going to be late,” Lee grumbled, jumping as he struggled to get his pants leg over his socked foot. 

Kent scooped up the garment and inspected it: it was pretty basic, just a simple drab, olive green uniform. There was a small patch on the side that read “cadet” followed by a blank space. Kent assumed that his name would likely take that spot once he received his official uniforms. The garment appeared slightly faded and had a musk to it - as if it was either extremely old or had been worn by various people before him. Neither option particularly appealed to Kent. 

“Seriously, dude,” Lee called once again, causing Kent to shake out of his stupor and glance over at his friend, “Danny will kill me if we’re late. He hates it when people are late - and I’m always late.” 

Now that Lee mentioned it, Kent hadn’t noticed Danny amongst the bustle of people in the cabin. Maybe he got an early start? Kent shook his head once again, clearing the thoughts, before hopping down from his bunk. He glanced around nervously, noticing everyone else seemed to have no qualms about changing in a room full of people. Kent wasn’t exactly self conscious, but he wasn’t exactly eager to strip down in front of strangers, either. He glanced at Lee once again, who was giving him an impatient look, and sighed. He would have to manage. Kent undressed quickly, slipping the uniform on almost as fast, and followed Lee towards the cabin door. 

“Where are we even going?” Kent asked, looking around as he followed behind Lee. The two walked away from the cabins, deeper into the woods. There was a small gathering of people - surrounding a stage of sorts - and Kent wondered what was happening.

“Initiation, man. You and the other recruits need to learn how things work,” Lee explained. He continued walking towards the crowd - which was only illuminated by a few torches surrounding the stage. It was still quite dark, the sun just barely beginning to peak out from the horizon.

The two approached a lanky, dark haired figure. Kent squinted as his eyes adjusted to the darkness and soon realized it was Danny. However, Danny seemed to have a small frown spread across his features and his arms crossed over his chest. 

“Seriously?” Danny grumbled, glancing at Lee in an accusatory fashion - though Kent noticed there was no malice behind his eyes. He shook his head and let out a small sigh, “Late again. As usual, Lee.” 

“Hey!” Lee protested, his own frown forming. He pointed at Kent before adding, “Blame him. Kent’s the one who was starin’ into space for ten minutes..” Lee grumbled more to himself, though he moved and took his spot next to Danny. 

Danny rolled his eyes, though the corners of his mouth quirked up - forming into a small smile. “I’m only joking, man,” He spoke, giving Lee a playful punch to the shoulder before adding, “Besides, you’re early - compared to your usual standards, anyway.” 

“Dan-nyy,” Lee whined, elongating Danny’s name as his frown deepened. Kent looked between the two, briefly raising his eyebrows as he watched the interaction. He might’ve been imagining it, and it was hard to tell (given the low light of the early morning) but Kent also noticed a light dusting of pink covering Danny’s cheeks and his eyes briefly lingering on Lee as he spoke Danny’s name. 

“What do I need to do?” Kent asked, gaining the attention of his friends. He noticed a few folding chairs were spread out across a nearby patch of grass and motioned to them. He turned back to his friends and asked, “Do I need to… sit down or something?” 

This caused both his friends to erupt in a fit of laughter, Lee reaching to grab Danny’s shoulder to keep himself from toppling over. Kent’s face contorted in confusion. He raised an eyebrow as he looked at both of them. What was so funny all of a sudden? Did he tell a joke without realizing it? 

“What’s so funny?” Kent asked, his confusion growing even further as the laughter continued. He added, “Was it something I said?” 

Lee was the first to compose himself - if you could call it that. Truthfully, he could barely manage to speak two words without laughing even harder. He gripped his sides and shook his head. Glancing up at Kent, he finally spoke, “You’re too funny, Kent. That was a great joke.” 

Kent quickly found out what was “so funny”. A rush of thirty or forty cadets crammed into the once vast clearing, quickly filling up the space. However, the seats still remained empty as the cadets formed neat lines behind them. Kent glanced over at his friends, though they had already begun walking towards their respective spots. He yelped before quickly following, taking an open spot at the end of the line. 

The ceremony was quite boring and tediously long (lasting roughly an hour and thirty minutes). Kent almost dozed off several times and had to pinch himself to stay awake. He was also pretty sure he only retained half of what was being said, but he managed to get through it. After the ceremony, Kent was given some personalized uniforms (thankfully, the borrowed one was starting to itch) and learned his schedule.

He spent his first week flailing and desperately trying to keep up with the harsh training regime, but soon got the hang of it. He even started developing a small amount of muscle (which he was grateful for, as it helped him adjust to the training even better. Kent couldn’t count the times he had groggily walked back to the cabin and promptly passed out - more often using Lee’s bed instead of his own because he was too fatigued to climb the rickety ladder.) 

That was back in April. Now, three months later, Kent no longer felt exhausted by the daily tasks and even found himself looking forward to his duties. They seemed to get easier as the days passed and he was thankful to have some structure to his days. 

One morning, Kent had woken early - as was becoming his usual - and began writing another letter to Jodi. Being away from her for these months was starting to take a toll on him (and he found some nights he was only able to sleep with her hair tie cradled next to his chest). He missed her deeply. Plus, he was curious how things were back in the city. So, he busied himself by attempting to write his thoughts down. However, he noticed the sound of distant footsteps.

Kent’s curiosity seemed to get the better of him. Who else would be awake at this hour? Usually, it was just Kent and the early morning patrolman - whose footsteps Kent would recognize anywhere. These footsteps seemed different, almost panicked. 

Kent placed down his notepad and carefully descended from his top bunk. He glanced around, making sure he hadn’t accidentally woken anyone, before silently creeping down the hallway - following the direction of the footsteps. Kent wasn’t sure what he expected to find, so he prepared for the worst. 

Bracing himself, he rounded the corner and entered the cabin’s common area. A look of surprise washed over Kent’s face as he looked at the figure standing in front of him. 

“Danny?” He asked, carefully approaching the other person. 

“Yoba, you scared me,” Danny replied, grabbing his chest - likely to ease his racing heart. 

“What are you doing awake?” Kent asked once again, tilting his head in confusion. “I’m usually the only one up at this time..” He continued, his brows furrowing together. 

Danny shrugged, though he looked a bit embarrassed. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly before speaking, “I usually try to leave early.. It’s.. um… awkward seeing everyone change, you know?” 

Kent nodded. He understood that feeling all too well. That was part of the reason he enjoyed the moments before everyone woke up - everything seemed easier to deal with, and it was far less awkward. 

“Hey, Kent?” Danny asked, nervously fidgeting with his collar as he waited for a response. 

“Yeah? What’s up?” Kent responded. He walked over to Danny’s side of the room and leaned against the arm of a nearby couch, turning to give Danny his full attention. 

“You’re from the city, right?” Danny questioned, moving to sit next to Kent on the couch - except on the actual cushion, not the arm. 

Kent nodded once again. He wanted to talk to Danny about that, anyway. He knew Danny was from the city (and that he was Jodi’s brother) but couldn’t seem to find the right time or place to bring it up.

“How were things… when you left, I mean,” Danny asked, a small embarrassed look crossing over his face. 

“Fine, I guess?” Kent answered, shrugging. There wasn’t much to say: it was pretty much the same as he’s always known it. Kent wasn’t paying much attention to the city itself, anyway. He was too busy being enamored by Jodi. He was curious as to why Danny was bringing this up, so he spoke again, “Why do you ask, anyway?” 

“My sister sends me letters sometimes,” Danny explained. He let out a small sigh and spoke sadly, “I miss the city. I miss my family.” 

Kent nodded. He understood that, too. The city was the only home he’s ever known. He’s never been away from it for this long, either. His chest felt heavy as a large wave of homesickness washed over him. 

“Me too,” Kent confided, a small, sad smile spreading across his lips. 

“I feel like I’ve missed so much over the last year,” Danny said, the sadness still present in his voice. He looked at Kent, a regretful look covering his face as he spoke once again, “My little sister got married and I wasn’t there. What kind of brother doesn’t go to his sister’s wedding?” 

A guilty look crossed Kent’s face. He glanced down at the hair tie on his wrist before looking back at Danny. He hesitated, wondering if he should really do this, before asking, “Did she say to who? Or tell you his name..?” 

Danny shook his head. “No. All she said was that I’d ‘meet him soon’,” He grumbled, a frustrated pout forming over his lips. 

After a while, Danny looked back at Kent and his eyes seemed to light up, as if he’d just remembered something and it gave him an idea. 

“Kent, you were in the city a few months ago, right?” Danny asked, reaching over to grab Kent’s arm hopefully.

“Yes..” Kent answered. He gulped as he looked at Danny’s hopeful face. 

“So, you could tell me who my sister married, right?” Danny piped up. He looked at Kent once again, practically bouncing with hopefulness before adding, “Did you hear anything about weddings before you left? Maybe one including a ‘Jodi Smith’?” 

“Danny..” Kent started, pursing his lips together. He looked at Danny’s hopeful face and felt even guiltier. Kent sighed, deciding he didn’t want to lie to Danny - he was his friend, after all, so he nodded. 

“Great!” Danny spoke, gripping Kent’s arm even tighter with excitement, “Can you tell me who it was?” 

Kent thought for a moment. This was definitely not how he expected his morning to turn out. He hadn’t planned on being interrogated. Plus, Kent didn’t know how Danny would react. Kent’s lips formed a thin line as he continued hesitating. Eventually, he gulped before speaking softly, “It was me.” 

“What?” 

“It was me, Danny,” Kent confirmed, speaking a bit louder. He reached beneath his shirt, untucking the small chain that held his wedding ring (Kent elected to wear the ring on a necklace rather than his hand to avoid losing it) before holding it up for Danny to see. He spoke once again, “I’m married to your sister.” 

“Oh,” Danny spoke, his face remaining expressionless. He looked away from Kent and went silent, immersing himself in his thoughts. After a few minutes of awkward silence between the two, Kent began trying to apologize, but he was quickly cut off. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Danny asked, a small amount of hurt coating his words. He looked back at Kent and his expression seemed to droop. 

“I could never find the right time,” Kent admitted. He released a small sigh before placing a gentle hand on Danny’s shoulder, “But I always wanted to tell you. I tried… several times.” 

Danny nodded, though he seemed to be mulling over Kent’s words. He looked at Kent, his top lip curving upward in anger. His eyes flashed with a small fire and Kent gulped. He knew Jodi’s brothers were protective of her, but he hoped that it wouldn’t matter - he never imagined he would run into (let alone become friends with) one of them. Kent tensed as he waited Danny’s next words, bracing for the worst. Instead, Danny simply asked. 

“Do you love her?” 

Kent nodded, reaching up and clasping his fingers around his wedding ring. A small, content smile forming on his lips. He looked back at Danny, nodding once again before saying, “More than anything.” 

Danny seemed content with this answer, all his previous anger leaving his body. Kent relaxed, exhaling a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. 

“What about you, Danny?” Kent asked, tilting his head to the side as he looked the other up and down, “Have you ever been in love?” 

Danny’s face heated up at the question. He sputtered, embarrassed. However, he glanced longingly at the room to his left. Kent smiled to himself before placing a gentle, reassuring pat on the back of Danny’s shoulder. 

“You should tell him.” 

“What..?” Danny asked, more embarrassment creeping into his features. 

“I see how you look at him, you know,” Kent spoke, looking up at his friend once again. He smiled once again, pulling Danny close and playfully ruffling his hair. “It’s the same way I look at my wife, man,” He teased. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about..” Danny denied, gently pushing himself away from Kent’s teasing. 

“Come on, Dan,” Kent spoke once again, giving his friend a knowing look. He shook his head lightly, a playful smile crossing his lips as he continued, “You can’t fool me. I know you like him.” 

“Fine,” Danny conceded, rolling his eyes and giving Kent a playful shove. His cheeks warmed once again and he smiled to himself before adding, “Maybe I do. But it doesn’t matter, anyway.. Lee isn’t.. He wouldn’t…like me.” 

Kent frowned slightly. He moved and placed a reassuring hand on Danny’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. He glanced up at him, a look of determination crossing his features, before speaking, “You’ll never know unless you try, Danny.” 

“Besides, you’ll always regret it if you don’t.” 

Danny nodded. He thought about Kent’s words, a wide smile forming on his lips. Danny reached over and pulled Kent into a tight, brotherly hug. 

“Thanks, Kent. That means a lot,” Danny spoke once he pulled away from the hug, his mood seeming much brighter than before. He thought for a moment more and determination seemed to wash over him. He held a firm fist in front of himself and nodded, “I’ll talk to him later today.”

[wheelin-after-midnight]

06.

Is your closet disorganized?

No.

Have you ever been to Times Square?

No, I really wanna go to NY though. Babe is originally from there.

What TV shows do you watch on a regular basis?

I feel like since getting rid of cable and just streaming there's nothing I watch on a regular basis. I'll find stuff and binge it all at once. The last show I can think of that I watched again after seeing it already is You, Me, Her.

Have you ever accidentally left something valuable at a shop before?

Yeah. I accidentally left my purse in a Tim Hortons when I was there several years ago with my dad. Had my ID and debit card and everything. I didn't realize til we got halfway back to my house. We turned around and went back and the girl working in the front was an angel and took it and tucked it under the counter with her so no one would steal anything.

What makes your life remarkable?

I think my life has been the furthest thing from remarkable, honestly. But the love and connection I try to extend to others and a conscious decision to be/do different than a lot of folks around me and certain things I grew up around, that offsets some of the struggles and darkness and makes it meaningful.

Are you putting off doing anything that you really need to get done?

Not at the moment, no.

What is the last thing you scribbled down on a Post-It note?

I have no recollection of the last time I even used a post it note.

What are you currently listening to?

Whitney Houston's cover of Stevie Wonder's Love's in Need of Love Today live in Durban South Africa

How would you react in discovering your best friend was seriously obsessed with you?

Uh. That would be disappointing, to say the least. I'd either confront her or get her some professional help, depending on the gravity of the situation. Likely distance myself and cut off the friendship, too.

Do you care if your produce is organic or not?

No.

Do you have any children? If so, how old were you when you had them? If not, do you think you ever will?

I don't and I can't. It's a sore subject and I'll probably never truly get over it.

Do you eat meat?

For now, yeah. I'd like to go back to being a vegetarian eventually.

Do you get enough calcium?

Yeah. Even if not from food, I take a multivitamin.

Do you think before you act or speak?

Absolutely.

Do you have a SwagBucks account?

I have no idea what that is. << me either, sis.

Are you nosy?

Not in the least.

Do you always try on clothes before purchasing them?

No, as I never really get to go out and if I do I need help in the fitting room. I'm not always comfortable asking that depending on who I'm with. I use size charts online and usually order that way.

Is there anything in your closet with the tags still on?

Nope.

Are you happy with the size of your bedroom?

I live in a studio. No actual bedroom.

Do you add people you don’t actually know on Facebook?

I don't even add a good chunk of the people I do know on Facebook. I haven't even made a post since 2019.

What’s your favorite condiment?

Sirracha mayonnaise, regular mayonnaise, sour cream, soya sauce.

Would you even want to know how much of your life has been spent online?

Ugh, no. The digital well-being app that breaks down time spent on different apps on my devices is bad enough. I avoid looking at it as much as possible.

Do you shop at American Eagle?

No.

List 5 things you’re afraid of:

My living situation changing next year, something bad happening to my cat, my disability further deteriorating my body and affecting my ability to be independent and still have decent quality of life. Those are the big ones. I'm drawing a blank on another two.

Have you forgotten anything important recently?

Not recently, but like a month ago I forgot my keys and a neighbour had to let me into the building. Thankfully I hadn't locked the door to my actual apartment.

Would you say you’re an honest person?

Generally, yeah. I lie by omission sometimes when people ask me how I'm doing and I don't feel like going into the actual response, and I do keep a lot about myself and my personal life from my family that I don't want them to know or don't feel like I can open up to them about for various reasons - I've hid a whole entire relationship from most of them for years - for example. But yeah I don't lie for no reason or to be malicious or hurt people.

The last Facebook message you received from the opposite sex, what did it say?

It was some dumbass video my brother sent me lmao. He finds the weirdest shit. His sense of humour is.... Somethin' special, that's for sure, lmaooo.

What does the nicest message in your Facebook inbox say?

Probably Brittany saying something really sweet the last time I was sad and venting to her or my girlfriend asking what she can do the last time I was having a terrible day.

Is your best friend single?

Neither of them are. One is married. One has a boyfriend.

What color was the ink of the last pen you wrote with?

I think it was blue.

What does your pencil-case look like?

I don't have one. I found these cool ones with Whitney on them that I kind of want, though.

Where was the last place you went that was totally new to you, as in, it was the first time you’d been there?

I'm pretty sure I've not been to the Walmart we went to after we last went to the theatre. I could be wrong though.

When was the last time you used someone else’s computer?

Not in years.

Who do you dislike the most? Explain what you dislike about that person.

I don't wanna get into this right now. I'm just gonna get upset and unnecessarily raise my blood pressure, lmao.

What’s the longest you’ve liked someone without doing anything about it?

Like a year.

Do you use straightening irons on your hair? What brand?

I have some, but I hardly use them.

What’s the relationship status of the last person you talked to?

We're dating each other.

Is there anything you would like to complain about?

I'm dreading having to move next year, y'all. I do not feel good about this situation at all :/

What’s the first line of the last song you listened to?

"Don't make no difference if I'm wrong or I'm right, I got the feeling and I'm willing tonight, well I ain't nobody's angel, what can I say? I'm just that way, ehheyyy, say it, say it again."

Think of the person from your past that hurt you the most. Is there anything you would like to say to that person?

Yeah, but she wouldn't genuinely listen or care or change anything, so it doesn't matter.

Does your mom like the last person you kissed?

She doesn't know her.

Now your cell phone, what color is it?

No cell. This tablet is black and silver.

What was so special about today?

Nothing. One of my favorite podcasts drops episodes every Thursday, if that counts.

If somebody tried to steal your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend, what would you do?

Tell her/ask if she knew about it, then commiserate/bitch about the audacity people together/laugh it off because we know it's never gonna work out for the person trying to steal them in the end.

What was the last thing you said to your mother?

"Rubber bands for tying trash."

When was the last time you cried?

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Has anyone made you upset lately?

My mum has.

What are you looking forward to?

Seeing Wicked with Brittany next Saturday.

Does anyone completely understand you?

My Nan did, but I don't have her anymore.

Ever stayed up all night on the phone?

Yeah.

Do you miss your past?

No.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

My cat always gives me a reason when I can't find one.

Are you a forgiving person?

It depends on the person and the situation but not usually, no. I used to be.

Do you say sorry first?

I used to, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I've gotten a little better at only doing it when warranted

Do you like cats?

I love cats, but I love mine the most. I'll see if I can figure out how to insert one of my favorite pictures of her right here.

Has someone promised you something and broke it?

Multiple people. My mother is particularly bad for getting my hopes up and crushing them just because.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Nippy.

Does your phone ring in the middle of the night? It hardly rings in the daytime.

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in right now?

Kind of.

Have you ever lost someone you wish you didn’t? .

I'll never be okay with having to do the rest of my life without my Nan.

Are you anything like you were a year ago?

Yes and no.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

Many times.

Would you rather spend a day outside with friends or inside alone?

Outside with friends. I'm alone all the time.

Think back to this time last year, were you happy?

No.

Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yes.

What should you be doing?

There's nothing I need to be doing. Anything that needed doing was done before I started this.

Describe how you feel right now in one word.

Ehhh.

What would you do if you found out one of your friends was going for the person you liked?

This would never happen, but I'd confront them about it and probably not be friends anymore. Might break up with my gf too if she had so little respect for me that she genuinely entertained being with my friend.

Do you prefer drinking water from a bottle or a sink?

Bottle. We're advised not to consume our tap water here.

Will you ever run away and get married in Las Vegas with no notifications to either of your families?

I won't be getting married, but if I could, something like that wouldn't be off the table tbh.

Have you ever thrown your iPod in anger?

I've never had an iPod.

Who did you last have a heart-to-heart conversation with?

Brittany or babe.

Do you believe that there’s good in everybody?

Absolutely not!

Has anything happened to you within the past month that has made you mad?

Oh yeah.

Would you ever get a tattoo?

I have two and want at least two more.

[aressida]

My entry: "The world is cursed, and we need redemption." - Aressida. 18.10.24.

I picked up my notebook, and the first thing I wrote today was 'Galatians 3:13-14.' I pause for a moment, then put the notebook down, my mind drifts to the Old Testament - specifically to Leviticus. The part about anyone who dies by hanging on a tree being under a curse. And then, it hits me. When Jesus hung on the cross, He became that curse. He willingly took it all upon Himself, every curse meant for us, so that we could be redeemed and walk in the blessings God has promised His people.

I see that curses and blessings are not just abstract ideas or natural occurrences - they are vehicles of supernatural power that transcend the physical world. The more I walk this path, the more I understand that we are dealing with something far beyond the natural - spiritual forces that shape and influence our lives in ways we may not immediately recognize. Through the redemption that Christ offers, God’s purpose is for us to be fully released from these curses and step into the fullness of His blessings. It is not just a promise, it is a divine inheritance meant for every believer.

Last month, I had a breakthrough. God began to show me that the curse over my family was not just a shot in the dark, but a very real spiritual barrier. A blockade preventing the healing, restoration, and blessings that He has intended for us. And now, by the power of prayer, I have stepped into the role of breaking that barrier, standing in the gap for my family. I am here to speak the words, to pray the prayers, to sever what has been binding us for generations.

Generational curses, passed down like a dark thread through the fabric of time, often remain hidden until someone opens their spiritual eyes and understands how to cut them off.

This realization hit me hard because many people, maybe even most, are living under the weight of these curses without even knowing it. They are enduring the consequences of choices or sins that were committed by ancestors long ago, unaware that the source of their struggles goes back through the generations. It is a heavy burden to bear, but one that can be broken through Christ. The key is in tracing the problem to its root, whether it is a pattern of illness, broken relationships, or financial struggles, and taking deliberate, spiritual action to break those chains.

Every Christian here today, needs to understand this because it is fundamental to true healing. You cannot minister to the sick, or even to those trapped in cycles of suffering, without first addressing the curses that may be blocking the blessings God intends for them. You cannot bring lasting healing without first delivering them from the spiritual chains holding them captive. God’s desire is for us to walk in freedom, but that freedom must often be fought for in the spiritual realm.

This is something I have only just begun to learn for myself. As I look back over my family history, I see now how the past has been influencing the present. It was not until I discovered my great-grandfather’s past, and the legacy of sin and curses that has followed us, that I started to understand the full weight of what we have been dealing with. And God, in His infinite mercy, has shown me the path to break that curse, to stand firm in prayer, with the authority He’s given me through Christ, and declare that it ends with me. No more will these curses continue to plague our family. They stop here, by the grace of God.

This role, this calling to stand in the gap, is one that every believer must take seriously. The power of breaking curses is real, and it is something that God has been revealing to me step by step. We are called not just to survive but to thrive in the blessings that come from being fully free in Christ. And that means knowing how to wield the authority we have been given to tear down the strongholds that have kept us bound for far too long.

I have come to realize that this journey, this discovery, is not just for me, it is for my family, for those who came before me, and for those who will come after me. And it is for anyone who is ready to break free from the chains that have held them back, perhaps without even knowing it. The power of Christ’s redemption reaches across time, breaking the grip of curses, and opening the way to the life we were meant to live. I am living proof of that. God has shown me that the chains are not unbreakable - they are broken by His power, and it is my calling to walk in that truth.

[lorillee]

Ok well its been a few hours i got some sleep and its time to share my thoughts and feelings on yakuza 0. Naturally i will be spoiling left andright so i will be putting this under The Cut

really, TREMENDOUSLY fun game i have not had this much enjoyment with anything in my life for the past several months. seriously seriously way too fun and im like genuinely considering attempting to 100% it.

this is partially because I NEEEEEEED to go back and finish all the substories but also i havent spent a whole lot of time with the minigames which is a crying shame because there was so much love put into every aspect of this game. And also because if i pick up thenext game in the series i will be staying up until 5:30 on a school night again. Which techinically i skipped class today because i have a sick note but still we donthave time for that sort of shenangianery right now. so the next game will proably be a thanksgiving break adventure so stay tuned

Ok. now lets get into final thoughts and feelings on the plot.

truly and honestly i think kiryu's story could have SEVERELY benefited from some streamlining. the issue is its a little bit all over the place and im not sure if thats because the authors had too many ideas and wanted to cram them all in, or too little ideas and needed to stretch the plot out to last for his assigned 8 chapters.

like the whole thing is kind of just kiryu being jerked around by everybody and everything around him and like . i dont know it kind of feels like we're spending a lot more time reacting to stuff that other people do as opposed to being proactive. i guess. im kind of struggling to put this into words

and like at the very end it kind of feels like his story is getting co-opted by majima's because the focus again jerks over to this random girl he's met for the first time and has like no attachment or personal connection to outside of being his boss' sister. You know.

like we go from framed for murder, have to prove my innocence so that my boss doesnt get roped into this and also i dont get arrested -> join real estate firm to secure incredibly valuable piece of property and also find the dude who actually killed that guy -> on the run from my original yakuza family because they all want to kill me -> Ok nevermind my boss bought their boss off -> ok yippee we found the owner of the land who is also my boss's sister -> oh no my boss is now dead his sister is gone and also they want to kill me again -> save his sister and beat up the guy who wants to kill us all . yippee the end

which like. Well the problem is its more like a series of events that follow each other and like obviously they have relation but theyre not really tied together in a way that makes it feel like a natural progression/buildup. like our climax does not really have that much to do with where we started off because shibusawa ISNT EVEN THE GUY WHO SENT THAT HITMAN!!!!!!! hes not the man who framed kiryu for murder and he's not the man that did the murder!!!!!!!!! Hes Kind Of Just Some Shmuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! and like it would be one thing if kuze was the final boss (which i would still be annoyed by because i seriousyl dont want to fight that guy anymore) because at least he's been causing problems for us since day one BUT HES NOT EVEN??!??!!?! like shibusawa has basically nothing to do with kiryu and its just such a baffling choice.

anyways so basically kiryu's story needed to be streamlined and aggressively so. the fact that it wasnt kiryu but MAJIMA who takes down the real killer is just like. well its kind of an insane writing choice. just all around. im also still a little salty the real killer was just some random assassin guy like Ok whatever.... kicks up dust cloud................. <- No im not bitter that its not nishiki..... yes i am................

additionally im ultimately still kind of baffled by the choice to have oda be the guy who sold off mikoto because i feel like it really wasnt . well frankly all that relevant. Like they didnt really do much with it and kind of left me feeling like Ok what was the point of all that then..........?.

honestly im half convinced that they constructed the overarching story around majima's side and then had to fenagle part of kiryu's into working with it which is like. well . a shame because its actively detrimental. i think if they had worked on giving mikoto and kiryu more of a connection then it wouldve flowed a lot better; like im thinking about the brief conversation they had in the hotel where shes talking about her insanely shitty life - if they had expanded on that more i feel like it wouldve done some serious legwork for making this not feel like 57 insane side tangents tacked on one after another

like mikoto is absolutely central to the story but she has basically no connection to one of the main leads outside of being his boss' sister - i guess like making oda the guy who sold her was their attempt to do something about that but its not like. well frankly its not like they really did anything with thtat. so i dont know its just kindof frustrating

i think majima's plot is a lot more compelling because its frankly a whole lot less complicated. mikoto is the heart of it and everything revolves intimately around her story and so like when kiryu's story bleeds into majima's via tachibana it feels a lot more like its being woven into as opposed to co-opting.

Ok well while we're talking about it i want to take this opportunity to talk about how tremendously happy i am with the way they decided to play mikoto and majima's relationship Because my main concern was that (especially with all the commentary from people in the game) it was going to be straight up "omg theyre totally in love.........." Again despite the fact that well they dontknow each other all that particularly well in a context that isnt immediate/impending life or death situation.

but nope THEY CAME THROUGH FOR MEEEEEEEEEE because ultimately in this sort of situation the absolute best thing you can do for everybody and everything involved is leave it vague and undetermined. all we really need to know for this to be compelling is that they care about each other and they care about each other a lot, and what form that manifests in is really kind of secondary. And of course the ending is like *chef's kiss* Congratulations you made me miserable. tremendously good job

its like really what i said in that last 4 chapter set roundup post u KNOWWWWWW i eat that doomed/star crossed ambiguous maybe could have been lovers stuff up like the very circumstances that brought them together and gave them the connection that they had is what keeps them apart SLAMS MY FIST INTO THE WALLLLLLLL like at the end when they run into each other for the first time in two years and she's finally regained her eyesight but he cant say anything to her because he doesnt want her to recognize him........................... FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FACT THAT SHE NEVER EVEN KNEW HIS NAMEEEEEEE........... THE WAAAAAAAAAAATCH......................... (DRIVES OFF CLIFF

like as always the fact that its doomed to fail is truly what sells it for me. Maybe i want us all to be a little miserable. togheter<3

Personally i think mikoto shouldve gotten to kill the entire dojima family leadership but whatever (kicks up dust cloud

also genuinely insane how majima is just like Fine i guess with working with sagawa and his boss that tortured him in a pit for a year like buddy Youre crazy. these people suck can you please find a better profession

the car chase minigame was so good. THE HELICOPTER?!?!?!?!? THE MISSILES!?!?!?!??!?!???? Chef's Kiss. game that was made for me

[mamabirbsnz]

Okay I’m gonna vent again. Sorry folks, but I’m fucking LIVID right now.

If you’re here for snz, just ignore this post. For those who care and are willing to listen… idk leave advice or something nice in the comments

Also I suck at organizing all of my thoughts in order, so I apologize if this shit is all over the place. Adhd brain :P

tw: ableism, struggles with depression and anxiety (and also autism and adhd), ED’s, transphobia/homophobia, LOTS of swearing (I’m fucking mad what the fuck do you expect?), s/h

I fucking hate not being taken seriously. I try so fucking hard to act professional and serious in my workplace, and just silently doing the work I’m supposed to do. I swear to god, as soon as they find out I’m Autistic from either myself or someone else in the workplace, they think I’m fucking incapable of working reasonable hours.

This is how my job hunting process goes. Go on Indeed.com, find a job that looks interesting. Apply. Usually the interview process goes well for me. Land the job, do the job. Everything goes well at first. Give it a month at least, and suddenly my hours are getting cut. With no explanation. And now I’m only working up to 3 hours a week making no fucking money in my redneck fuck ass town. So what do I do? I look for a new job. Update my resume and apply. And the cycle continues.

This has been happening with EVERY. FUCKING. JOB I GET. “Oh, it’s just labor costs :/“ THEN THEY TURN AROUND AND HIRE LIKE 10 MORE PEOPLE!!! FUCKING WHYYYY?!?!?! IF IT’S REALLY ABOUT THE LABOR COSTS THEN STOP! FUCKING! HIRING! I DON’T GET IT!!!!

ALL I WANT IS TO MAKE MONEY SO I CAN LEAVE THIS FUCKING DOGSHIT CONSERVATIVE STATE AND MOVE TO SOMEWHERE WHERE I CAN BE AT PEACE! WHERE I CAN SMOKE ALL THE LEGAL WEED I WANT, AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING SHOT EVERY TIME I GO OUTSIDE FOR BEING QUEER!!!

Speaking of which. I had wanted to tell my dad that I was bisexual for a while, and only recently built up the courage to tell him, “I’m bisexual.” His response? “No you’re not. And you better not turn into a [transphobic slur that rhymes with “granny”] or I’ll disown you :)” I have no fucking idea why my dad is so fucking triggered by the existence of trans people. Not to mention the fact that I said literally NOTHING about trans people or being trans in that interaction.

He also acted this same way when I was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 14. My older brother also has Autism, although he is higher on the spectrum, therefore his symptoms are more severe and “obvious.” My dad refuses to believe that both of his children have Autism. When I was in high school, I went to an Autism awareness rally with my dad and my brother, and I talked to the people there about Autism and how I had been recently diagnosed (recent at the time). My dad butts in and says, “You do not have Autism, what you have is fucking lazy ass syndrome ‘cuz you won’t get a job.” In a public space. With tons of people around. So I was about to fucking cry because my god damn father just humiliated me in public, and at that point I just wanted to go home.

I try. So fucking hard. To work on myself. To work on my physical health by remembering to actually eat. To work on my attitude when I upset people or if I’m just too negative. To work on my appearance and making sure I remember to shower regularly. And to work on my work ethic, which I think has been pretty damn good thus far. And I STILL. Have my hours cut. I haven’t had a fucking shift since LAST THURSDAY. And I have NO upcoming shifts AT ALL this week!!!

It fucking infuriates me that I’m willing to put in the hours and get none, and the fucking minors that work there hate their job and get more hours than me. My weight is starting to go down again because I’ve been laying in my bed doing fucking nothing but sleeping and not eating due to me being trapped at home in my depressive state. I am already severely underweight, and I have been for a majority of my life. Anybody who takes medication for ADHD knows the struggle of keeping your appetite up. I have to force myself to eat when I don’t feel hungry.

My mom worries so much about me, and I hate making her worry and making her cry. It hurts to think about because my mom is such a nice lady and has done so much for me, and I feel like I’m just throwing everything away. I already fucked up in college. I would constantly avoid my responsibilities and would just play video games to escape it. But I couldn’t keep running forever… and my grades tanked, and I would… scrape my wrist with my car keys to punish myself. It kept happening again and again where I would avoid everything and keep hurting myself, and I eventually tried to move on to knives. But as I picked up the knife I saw the innocent look in my dog’s eyes across the room, unaware of what I was about to do to myself. It was at that moment when I realized I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t bring myself to use the knife… So the school year ends, and I flunked out, and even then my mom helped me cope with it and reassured me that I’m not a disappointment to her. I seriously don’t deserve her, she is so thoughtful and patient with me. I want to live… for her… And I want to do better in life… it’s just so unfair that the world keeps treating me like a child when I actually try to go out and get a job and try to fucking make something useful of myself… I just want to contribute something to the world, and spend my time being fucking useful for something… I don’t want to die on this planet as a fucking loser who couldn’t even get through her first year in college.

I just want to be treated like a fucking equal. Like a human. Like an adult. Is that so much to fucking ask?

Thanks for listening if you care… good night…

[the-widow-sisters]

Hi! Could you write Carol and Natasha with “I can’t walk... You’re going to have to carry me.” It would be fun to see this pairing more, especially since they were friends the longest because of the Blip.

A/N: This one turned out a little bit angstier than I meant for it to, but no bad endings, so no worries 👍💗

I hope y'all enjoy! 💖 Thank you for your request! 🥰

Word Count: 1.8k+

   “I think… I, um,” Natasha struggled as she attempted to pull herself up to her feet. Carol quickly turned in her direction, worry written in her face as she moved back from the corner that she was looking around.

   Natasha had leaned against the wall, and Carol’s eyes were instantly drawn to the bullet hole lodged in Natasha’s thigh.

   Natasha and Carol gone on this mission together with the thought that it was going to be routine and easy, but as the bullet lodged in Natasha’s leg served to demonstrate, nothing that was supposed to be easy ever actually indeed was simple.

   It had just been a retrieval and Carol had not even really been necessary to bring along, but Natasha had asked her to come along, her explanation being that Natasha did not have the best feeling about the whole thing.

   Plus, Yelena could not be there like she had planned because the blonde had promised Peter that she would drive him and MJ to go and look at potential colleges. Yelena, despite her intense desire to do so, had not been able to reschedule because it was school break, and the next time he would get to go and look would be a month or two later and his counselors were pushing him to start looking now.

   Which left Carol and Natasha where they were currently with Natasha suffering with a bullet-impaled leg and Carol suffering with intense guilt and horror.

   “I can’t walk,” Natasha stated, a shaky breath passing between her lips as she looked up at Carol.

   Natasha slid down the wall, and Carol instantly moved to grab her as she tried to help her and keep her from falling to the ground. She helped her slide to the floor temporarily.

   Carol instantly could not help but notice that Natasha’s light greens were full of pain. Her brow was furrowed as she attempted to focus on the blonde, and Carol felt her heart leaping into her throat as the severity of the situation fully started to set in.

   “You’re going to have to carry me,” Natasha painedly stated, and Carol fought to keep her breaths from becoming too quick. The fear was threatening to take over her senses, and the way Natasha was speaking to her was not helping her terror whatsoever.

   It was extremely abnormal for Natasha to express weakness in such a way as she was doing at the moment. She never said that she could not do something unless something was seriously going awry.

   Not that Carol doubted her in the least, but simply because Natasha had actually voiced her thoughts aloud told Carol that Natasha definitely was not able to walk or put weight on her leg.

   Wasting no time in more fully taking a knee next to one of her best friends, Carol leaned down to better inspect the wound.

   It was bleeding far too much and given how weak that Natasha looked, Carol could see that it was severely weighing on her. Carol fought back the impeding sense of doom that was threatening to creep upon her, choosing to focus on the fact that she was capable of saving her. This was not like the last time she had failed to be able to save someone she cared about.

   “Hey, don’t worry, Nat, I’ve got you,” Carol told her. She reached down as she looked around, trying to make sure none of the enemies were coming their way. She was not about to let Natasha get hit again. She was already feeling like the worst person in the world because Natasha had gotten hit in the first place.

   Granted, she had not been there to see it because they had split up at Natasha’s instruction, but Carol still blamed herself for not getting there in time to shield her and for not protesting the idea in the first place.

   Carol reached down, wrapping her arms around Natasha as she held onto her carefully. She held her in her arms bridal style, and Natasha scoffed lightly.

   “I feel just like a princess,” Natasha deadpanned, and Carol instantly felt somewhere between relieved at the sarcasm and concerned at the fact that Natasha sounded so terribly feeble.

   “Hey, you look like one, too,” Carol complimented breezily, leaning around the corner as she checked to see if she had a free path to the outside where they could reach the jet they had taken there.

   “A princess with a hole in her,” Carol muttered, and Natasha hummed a soft, weak laugh.

   Satisfied with what she saw, Carol quickly made her move, lifting up as she flew quickly. She tried to maintain her speed to make sure that she moved fast enough to get Natasha to the jet quickly but slow enough to keep Natasha from being too jostled with the wind from the speed of her flight.

   As she almost reached the large opening to the warehouse area that they had emerged into from where they had been completing the mission underground, several men came running out of a doorway.

   Carol’s eyes widened as they raised their guns, and Carol repositioned Natasha to keep her safe from the bullets flying at her. Carol felt them hit her back, but they did not hurt. The feeling was more akin to someone tapping her.

   Leaning Natasha partially against her and holding her more tightly with one arm, she shot blindly behind her with her free hand, blasting a large ball of fiery light as she threw the enemies off of her trail. She flew Natasha out, and they escaped quickly.

   Fortunately, this group did not seem to have air support handy at their beck and call, so Carol knew that they had a good chance of getting out without too much more of a fight.

   “That was exciting, wasn’t it?” Carol questioned, trying to keep her voice light as she addressed Natasha and tried to ignore her own fear. Natasha barely looked coherent, and Carol swallowed, nervousness gripping her as she jostled Natasha just a little to try to keep her awake.

   “C’mon, Nat. You aren’t going to sleep while I have all the fun, are you?” Carol questioned, and Natasha hummed, closing her eyes tightly as her jaw clenched.

   “Have to… Be polite and let you have fun. Age before beauty,” Natasha told her, her voice so soft that Carol almost could not hear it over the wind in her ears. Carol felt terror gripping her, and she picked up her pace.

   As Carol arrived at the jet, she raised her voice.

   “FRIDAY, open the hatch and crank her up!” Carol yelled, and the back of the jet opened as the engine started. Carol flew up through it, and it closed behind her. She moved quickly for one of the cots in the rear section of the jet.

   “Set autopilot for the compound quick,” Carol commanded, and FRIDAY responded with something that Carol did not really care to pay attention to as she laid Natasha down and started rummaging through the first aid for a rag or something to stop the bleeding at least temporarily.

   She was really going to have to talk to the Guardians about buying some of their med kits off of them.

   Carol finally found a rag, and in her haste, she knocked the kit to the floor. Carol swiftly bent down, opening it as she found some disinfectant. She was not about to attempt to take the bullet out, but she was not going to let it get any nastier than it already had.

   “Hey, Red, be ready, this is going to hurt,” Carol told her softly before dripping the alcohol on the wound. Natasha instantly let out a cry, and Carol felt her heart hurting as she dropped the alcohol to the floor, only pausing to make sure that she had closed the cap well enough to avoid a spill.

   Carol then started to wind the rag around Natasha’s leg tightly, aiming to stop the bleeding.

   “Hang in there for me,” Carol told her, her breaths coming quickly as she tied the rag tightly. Natasha let out a low whine as the rag was tied on.

   Carol stopped for a moment, taking in the sight of her handiwork. She was worried about its efficiency, but she did not voice her thoughts as she glanced at Natasha. She leaned forward and grabbed Natasha’s thigh firmly with her hands, trying to slow the blood flow going to the wound and assist the rag in its job.

   Natasha did not react to her actions, and Carol could not help the fear leaping in her chest as she eyed the redhead.

   “Hey, you still there?” Carol questioned, and Natasha was quiet for just a moment before grumbling something and shifting her position slightly before wincing hard.

   “Barely,” Natasha finally grunted softly, and Carol nodded, feeling some amount of happiness at the fact that the redhead was actually coherent and answering her in a manner that actually made sense.

   Carol swallowed, blinking and closing her eyes for just a moment before reopening them and looking away. She tried to put on her best smile, but even she could clearly tell that it was not meeting her eyes, the majority of force being put on her mouth to make the movement at all.

   “So how mad do you think your sister’s going to be?” Carol chuckled, trying to keep her tone upbeat. Her hands were currently shaking and her gaze was glued to Natasha’s barely opened eyes.

   Natasha huffed, letting out a breath before sucking in another one as she started to try to raise up just a little. Carol instantly removed one of her hands from Natasha’s bloody leg, placing it firmly on Natasha’s shoulder as she forced her back down.

   “Stay down.”

   Natasha chuckled a little at that statement, and Carol eyed her with slight confusion as she kept one hand on Natasha’s leg and the other on her arm.

   “What?”

   “It’s just a memory I have with Yelena. It’s… a long story,” Natasha told her tiredly, and Carol glanced over in the direction of the interface at the front of the jet.

   FRIDAY had the amount of miles until their destination displayed and the estimated amount of time until arrival. At the realization that they were about ten minutes away, Carol let out a soft breath of relief before looking back down at Natasha, knowing that they would realistically be okay considering the fact that Natasha was as mentally functional as she was.

   “We’ve got time.”

   “Well… Yelena contacted me for the first time since we were children, telling me she was in Budapest,” Natasha explained, her pronunciation of Budapest with the “sh” just like usual. The sound was so familiar and comforting and Carol almost felt like she could cry at the mere sound of word passing between the woman’s lips.

   Natasha was going to be okay.

[sagesariadnd]

Just Rambling About My D&D characters, Part 1: Ryder, Half-Elf College of Lore Bard

Art by Lyssie-chan: https://www.patreon.com/leafsways

Backstory - CW: parental death, parental abandonment, emotional abuse, indentured servitude, murder, fridging

Reynyn Tarrenshout was the child of a barmaid and the estranged bard who bedded her and ditched, as bards stereotypically do. He grew up poor, but tavern life introduced him early to his love of music. Unfortunately he wouldn't get to put that passion into practice for several years, because in his teens, his mother got gravely sick, worsening their financial struggles. Out of desperation, Reynyn turned to crime, and ended up coerced and more or less abducted into a less than savory thieves' guild. The guild abused and isolated him, breaking him down slowly but surely, and when his mother died never knowing where he'd disappeared to, he shut down completely, going through the motions as the guild's puppet.

A few years later, Reynyn found a reason for living in the form of the fishmonger's daughter, Grace. She was the first person in all this time to be kind to him, and his desperation for any form of companionship drew him to her. They dated in secret for a few months, before Reynyn asked her to run away with him, finally finding the strength to escape the guild. Unfortunately, they were caught, and all Reynyn remembers about the fight that ensued was finding Grace with his dagger in her heart, dead. He fled the city blinded by grief and panic, leaving his name behind and now going by the pseudonym Ryder.

Eventually Ryder stumbled into a city, physically and emotionally exhausted and half-starved. Here, he met Ameila Lucyne, another half-elf who took him in and nursed him back to health. He never told her his full story, but she recognized someone running from something when she saw it, and took him in, letting him live in her theater and giving him a job, where he finally began his journey into the bard class.

(We'll get to Ameila in a later one of these posts, by the way. That's some fun stuff)

Assorted thoughts

Ryder was my first D&D character, and is pretty much THE oldest OC I still claim. I came up with him in high school, for an Everquest fanfiction I was writing, as a foil/love interest. He ended up being worlds more interesting than my cardboard cutout of a main character, and I wanted to play him in D&D for ages, but multiple things got in the way of that idea until I discovered Critical Role and finally had my chance to dive into 5e, which is when I heavily polished his backstory and personality and played him in a tragically short lived Out of the Abyss game.

In his original form, he was simultaneously way edgier AND way goofier. (And side note before I continue, there is nothing wrong with having an edgy character. You've just gotta make sure it fits into your game's setting and has a point, and doesn't isolate your character from the party to the point of not being playable with.) The original idea was he was supposed to be a happy-go-lucky jokester who encouraged the Cardboard Cutout MC to loosen up and enjoy life. He was supposed to have been essentially over his tragic backstory, to the point where he seemed to have no flaws at all, except maybe that he was hard to take seriously. Especially since for God-knows-why he originally had a hideously thick cockney accent. When I retooled him, his lighthearted personality was meant to be more of a mask - entertaining others and making them laugh as an escape from his own trauma and guilt. He's also INTENSELY afraid of the other shoe dropping on his life at any moment, and any setback or tragedy is a gut punch that he feels is inevitable. He basically is afraid of pursuing happiness for himself because he's convinced it will get ripped away from him.

Originally, he was literally born into an assassin's guild, and his relationship with Grace lasted longer and was used as leverage against him - if he tried to leave, ~something might happen to her~. He still killed her in this iteration, but it was a trick by the guild because they didn't tell him who his target was. It made sense to my 17 year old brain okay? Obviously, I didn't stray TOO far from the original backstory - when I found the criminal background in 5E, I figured a thieves' guild made more sense and figured out his motivations from there. I also felt like Grace's death in the original backstory was needlessly gross and intimate, but still wanted that knife twist (no pun intended) of Ryder being her killer. So I made it so they did actually try to escape, and left it ambiguous whether her death was an accident or a frame job - fodder for the DM that tragically never got utilized.

Also, he used to be human, before I got inspired to go with half-elf. This was due to an Adventure's League one-shot - my first real time playing D&D before Out of the Abyss - where I was given a premade half-elf bard and I plugged Ryder into that character. That's also why, in Out of the Abyss, he had a pet rat named Pippin - the AL bard was urchin background and came with the rat, and I grew attached and asked the OotA DM if I could still have it.

I do feel a bit bad that even in the retooled backstory, I've still essentially fridged Grace. I'm also admittedly still attached to the concept and feel like pulling it out would completely change Ryder as a character - the trauma roots go deep. If I were to play Ryder again - or in the project I'm working on where he's a character - I'd try to do more to at least not make it all about him, such as potentially facing her family some time later, or other ripples of her involvement in the world. I also wonder if that relationship has become a little more morally grey; Ryder still gets his heart aflutter over any woman who's kind of him, which is exactly how he felt about Grace, so I wonder if he genuinely loved her or if it was pure late-teen hormones and latching onto a bright spot in a dark place for himself. He still hesitates to act on any feelings he has, though, out of fear of the same thing happening again. Maybe thinking more about what his true feelings were makes it potentially better? I dunno, I think it's one of those unfortunate things that may just be stuck here. Granted, D&D backstories are a better place for it than the middle of a story.

Out of the Abyss was a bit more intense than expected, so unfortunately Ryder's humorous side was a lot less seen in that game than I would've liked. But I loved his dynamic with the party, particularly with my friend Foxie's kitsune bard, Soleil. (Gee Saria, how come your DM lets your campaign have TWO bards?) We shipped them pretty much immediately; they had a great sunshine-gloom dynamic and Soleil was a comforting presence that encouraged him to at least not bottle his emotions when things got bad. After a particularly nasty death of one of the party's NPCs, Ryder was one of the characters who failed a wisdom save against insanity and sat on the floor bluescreening for several minutes. Soleil sat with him until he came out of it. That's still one of my favorite moments in all of D&D, even if there wasn't much in terms of dialogue there. It lead to Ryder sleeping next to her during their long rest that night, and they ended up cuddling - she initiated.

I would genuinely love another chance to play Ryder in a longer form game, but at the same time, I've played like two other bards already - three if we count a multiclassed ranger of mine, so I feel like I should at least attempt some other characters first :P