#brain went hyperfocus mode here

[nerditudes]

Ken feels most himself when he's Rango Red-- a hero happy to help with far simpler threats than they're used to. After all-- any akuma attacks are handled by that polka dot girl and her squad of-- magical girls, probably. He was pretty sure he'd heard of a cat girl or something.

He's not super tuned into international heroes, but once he meets Ladybug and the others, they're in awe at how capable French Heroes were, and he could swear these were kids. He once overheard them talking about MMORPGs, and thought he'd chime in but he aged himself immediately.

"Oh right, Rango-- you're like, old."

"Wow. Blunt. Honest. True. No objection here, your honor."

Post Season 6 [under cut]

He's currently investigating the 'death' of Hawk Moth. He knows the Miraculous have something to do with it, but not what. He never really unlocked the full potential of his Miraculous because Nyxx had some severe memory problems [a trait shared with her holder]. They had a good friendship, but learning what kwami really were left him wondering if things went down like Ladybug says.

It's unintentional, but this investigation would run the risk of rubbing those heroes the wrong way. Ladybug was their leader they could take it the wrong way far too easily. But they needed to know.

Perhaps they uncover the truth. Perhaps not. Either way that's knowledge that could go any which way. Depends on luck of the draw. Or luck of the Irish?

[seiya234]

happy tauniversary

this post is kind of late, because i was out with my kid all day at the corn maze.

a lot has changed since we started TAU

ten years ago I had been in maryland all of two months. my then-fiancee and i had moved from texas, where we both had lived our entire lives. i was not only planning our wedding (in texas!) but i was also starting my ph.d.

to say that i had a lot going on would be a huge understatement.

i had just gotten into gravity falls via tumblr- shout out to whoever made a gif set from 'the hand that rocks the mabel'- when i ran across zoey's original two to three posts. to this day i couldn't entirely tell you why my brain seized on this au, other than it did and it immediately went into hyperfocus mode.

before TAU, i hadn't really written any fanfic except for some discworld au and some drabbles here and there. but a post about future niblings really inspired me and before i knew it i was writing.

i started messaging @zillychu a LOT and god bless their heart they humored me and answered back. after about a month of accumulated posts they created the blog and began to mod it with @homebeccer and @ghostfiish . There was a brief period where @zillychu was thinking about stepping back from the blog and because i was an extremely over eager beaver, i practically kicked down the door of their inbox and begged to be a mod.

the rest, as they say, is history.

i had absolutely zero idea that this would last ten years. when i joined, i had no idea that we'd have a skype channel and then two (two!) discords, that there would be a wiki, that there would be fanvids and tiktoks and cosplay and of course the literal terabytes of fic and art.

to this day, it still thrills me to no end that y'all make art and fic of my OCs. never in my wildest dreams as a tiny baby weeb would i have ever thought that THAT would be a possibility.

a lot has changed for me in these ten years. i got married. i recently got divorced. i had a baby, and now that baby is a big girl and in kindergarten. it took dont-ask-how-long but i finally got the ph.d and now shamelessly introduce myself as Dr. Seiya everywhere i go.

and i made friends. @haberdashing and @avafalls from our early days (hey habby and avagator!) @skia-oura sent me a beautiful baby kimono from their home in Japan and I still have the beautiful log and flower arrangement @oreramar made me one christmas. (the hot chocolate is long gone lol) i've enjoyed so very deeply getting to know @toothpastecanyon, @feferipeixes and @avespecora (sorry i missed the eclipse!) i almost got detained at the canadian border for @marypsue (spoiler alert, don't tell canadian immigration you're staying with a friend from the internet but you don't know their home address)

the blog almost got deleted. we've had mods come and go as life happens and moves on. the blog is old enough i've been able to see trends happen, and characters become popular, fade away... then coming roaring back again. i've personally told the mods two times that i was stepping back from the blog For Real For Real (for real this time) because life was catching up to me and I just wasn't as in to it as I used to be only to come slinking back like the dirty liar I am. i see in your notes all the time that you all have been reading this since you were tweenagers which ngl does make me feel the cold breath of the grave on my mid-thirties back but also warms my heart.

@transcendence-au changed my life, and for the better.

thank you @zillychu for making a random one off hc post that exploded into something i don't think you could have ever predicted.

and thank you all (yes, you. you in the back. i like your shirt.) for your support and your love.

[canmom]

brain operating notes

the thing with ADHD is that it's super paradoxical. I've spent the last 72 hours or so doing almost nothing but making minute tweaks to this fansub, stuff like hand tracking signs in perspective at 800% zoom. it's the 'hyperfocus', and it can feel like a superpower. only the thing is I have no control over when it kicks in and what it chooses to focus on.

I had work to be done on Friday, work I enjoy and is novel and interesting, but this fansub project just jumped into my brain and took over the wheel and said 'you will not do anything else until this is finished'.

this is why the notion of 'executive function' is useful. I think of it like a unifying thing required to both get myself to do a thing that is not particularly novel or engaging in this moment, and to stop myself doing a thing that engages the hyperfocus because I have to eat or whatever. this feels like a finite resource, that gradually replenishes over time.

of course we're all in metaphor here. I don't actually think there's a finite reserve of some substance that I can use to get me to do things that aren't immediately stimulating. but being equipped with this metaphor lets me think of it like... ok, I will let my brain just do its thing and ride the rollercoaster now, so that I can have the wherewithal to do (difficult but important thing) down the line. or, I've been really pushing myself to do stuff recently, I need to take some time to recover the reserves. how good is this model? i'm not sure. probably not great, but it is a model.

anyway things that trigger hyperfocus are a bit arbitrary but common features tend to be...

novel: a thing that I haven't done before is intrinsically exciting - as long as I have some idea of how to get going. in my previous job I'd find excuses to do stuff like 'animate in Blender' or 'hack the graph drawing tool' just to add a bit of spice to rote tasks. thankfully my current job is full of new exciting things.

a steady drip feed of small successes: a big, daunting task is hard to get started on. something that has a clear avenue for recognisable, steady progress is a lot more manageable. 'write the animation controller' is unclear. 'make another animation' feels like progress, and I know where I'm at with it, so I will tend to choose that one given the option.

urgent: if the deadline is imminent and there really is no other option but to crack on with it, the anxiety gives a force multiplier on executive function. which results in a lot of procrastination leading up to mad last minute crunch. it's a pattern that I hate, not least because it's hard to say how long anything will actually take, but is hard to shake.

social: if it is for the benefit of a friend, or I get to show off a bit, it is way easier to get going with it. is it because I am kinda lonely and any time someone wants to spend time with me it feels like I dare not refuse because who knows when they will again? is it because I love to be praised for doing an impressive thing? idk maybe. however this is double-edged because if I feel I'm making something unimpressive I will be motivated to try and make it bigger and more complex, dragging things out, which might lead to not finishing the thing at all.

you can probably kind of see how computer games are a bit of a cognitohazard. especially open-ended games that don't have a finite built-in endpoint. I've gotten better at managing that now.

there are degrees of hyperfocus. there is the maxed out 'I will not eat or sleep until I finish this' mode. there is also the 'I have a new obsession' mode, which is a bit less intense.

the other thing with hyperfocus is that it is time-limited. at some point you just burn out on it and after that it's really hard to jump back into a thing. the unfinished projects on my hard drive are in most cases things I went nuts over for a few weeks and then dropped like a hot stone. this sucks because making anything worthwhile requires sustained effort over a long period.

I've been trying meds but so far no luck. they've currently got me off the meds taking baseline measurements while they figure out what to try next. though apparently the dose of dexamfetamine they had me on is like... so low that it's not surprising I didn't feel it.

gonna have to ask them about it next time I see them. because right now this whole thing feels like a bit of a mean joke. I'm staying in London for the sake of meds that could help, because it would take upwards of a year to get into another clinic, but what's the point if they're not even giving the meds a real shot?

but if there is any chance I can get working meds, I've got to try for it, because I don't think I'll ever achieve much of anything within the limitations of adhd, at least not without finding some new mechanisms to keep me on track. (though 'if I don't do this I might lose my job/the game won't be as good as it could be' works a bit as an extrinsic motivator)

[secretsofthewilde]

So despite knowing I've had ADHD since I was in high school even though I went undiagnosed for years despite me begging for help tell me why I'm 23 years old and just discovered today in therapy that when people talk about being motivated they do not mean the same thing as when my brain switches into hyperfocus mode.

I've been out here beating myself up for years because I thought that my hyperfocus episodes were the equivalent of what people meant when they say they felt motivated to do a task

[goose-books]

i read your wips intro/masterpost, they all look super cool (!!!) but the status sections look like they haven’t been updated in awhile—any updates?

first of all, THANK YOU!!! means a lot whenever anyone checks out my posts! i have a tendency to forget this blog exists, which i can only blame partially on my being in school; i'm part of a thriving community of writing discord servers, and so i've gotten into the habit of sharing more writing there than here. also, from the bottom of my heart, i never have any idea what to post. so thank you x2 for asking for an update, because i can certainly do that!

in the order of the intro post, shall we? (which i have now updated, because it was bothering me.)

The Mortal Realm & Quark: "starting second draft summer 2021," he said (about the first). so that was a fucking lie. summer 2021 i spent working at a children's summer camp, which, while i love kids, sapped my sickly-victorian-boy strength like tuberculosis. and then i went off to college! so quark didn't happen in the fall, either.

both of these are on indefinite hiatus for now, but not shelved! as my oldest long-running projects and the ones that saw me through some specific parts of my life, they're very important to me, and i think about the characters and plots frequently. that said, i've grown a lot since i began each one, so some of my old plans no longer align with the sort of things i like to write now... both are probably due for a rehaul, and as i'm focused on other projects atm, i'm not sure when that will be! but they idle in the back of my brain like screensavers.

A Modern Tragedy: the scripts for AMT are entirely finished! (barring the intermission episode i never wrote, i suppose.) i wrote the last words and immediately encountered some issues, namely: i know how to write, but not how to record and produce a podcast. plus, a podcast-enjoying friend of mine who read the scripts pointed out that honestly, AMT has too many characters to work as an audio drama; i have written a TV show in audio form. and speaking of things i know how to do less than producing a podcast--producing a TV show. so at present i sort of just... have this. sitting on my computer. i've half a mind to just post the scripts on this blog; if you're interested in seeing them... you can certainly shoot me a dm.

darkling: this behemoth is fully drafted, goddamn it, and i did do a round of beta readers over summer 2021. that said, this thing scares me. i am far better at drafting than i am at editing, and approaching a 200,000 word book (yes. i know. i know) to rip the seams out and kick that word count into shape intimidates me. i think perhaps we should all be very mean to me until i acquiesce to sniffing the draft through the bathroom door (??? <- will being mean to me work? unclear)

Valentine van Velt is Dead: oh now this is ridiculous; have i really not updated the intro post in over a year? i suppose not. valentine van velt is out! i posted the book in full in google doc, pdf, and epub forms; you can read it right now today!

love, h: finally something on the intro post is true. this is still in brainstorming mode, less because i haven't figured it out and more because i need to enter another intense hamlet phase to be able to write it properly. it'll happen.

godsong: ah, and we approach the reason the rest of these projects haven't gotten done. my silly little lesbian aeneid is eating my brain. in the past year and a half, i have 1. plotted an entire trilogy 2. written a book and a half 3. spiraled into related AUs for literally over a hundred words. the problem with writing a project that combines multiple hyperfixations is that it will crawl into your brainstem and never ever ever ever leave you alone. ever.

...which is to say that i've written a godsong! i've completed a first draft of the first book and i'm currently drafting the second; i've learned that editing scares me and bogs me down, so i'm riding this hyperfocus as far as it'll take me before i do a beta-reading round. this may come as a shock, because i've posted very little about godsong compared to my other projects, and again, this is because i have no idea what to post. every now and then i get frightened about posting real excerpts, in case it somehow fucks me up copyright-wise. this is a largely irrational fear that i have anyhow. i'm dicking around trying to make character moodboards for intro posts, but i keep running into the moral quandary of whether i can knowingly use unsourced pinterest images, like, morally. unrelated, yeah i do have OCD, how did you know?

thank you for asking after my projects, anon! ^_^ this was a very nice ask to receive and it reminds me i really ought to post here more often... if i ever scrounge up enough pictures from fucking unsplash, we'll see about those intros. if anyone has questions, opinions, or suggestions for future maxblog activities, feel free to shoot me an ask!

[draftingteacups]

Each day that I see your blog it makes me want to start my own TWST x Pokemon crossover au thing

The only reason I haven’t yet is cause of my own self doubt about it subshsbshsbhx

It's flattering that my blog is inspiring people to start their own TWST x PKMN thing, mostly because I have doubts about my own blog at times slkalkjjfjlk

That's a mood, Anon.

In the beginning, I was having all these ideas about what to do in an AU like this and was like, "Nah, no one's gonna want to read that."

Because in the beginning, TEBF was pretty barebones and nothing like we know it now. I daydreamed about it frequently and I always searched for more content. It was only because there was no more content that I could find that I went, "Wait... there's no more?"

That got my brain to really sit down and think about what I could do with my AU.

Yes, TEBF happened because my brain went straight into hyperfocus mode and began to crank out world-building things by the hour. Even now, random asks help generate things for the fanfic and the blog that keeps expanding. I always leave legroom for those sorts of things.

Yes, I handwrote my initial things down in a notebook. It's so scattered that I might just redo it but on the computer and neatly organized. I have plans to put it on here because this blog was mainly for world-building for the fic in the first place. The timeline's written in numbers, and oh boy, that's not fun to look at 😅

Yes, all this started because I wanted more content to feed me and my curiosity.

I literally went, "If there's nothing else, then I'll make my own!" Something along those lines 😂

It's intimidating to start things, but really, it all boils down to you and what you want to do!

If you wanna start writing your fic AU or whatever beforehand, then that's fine.

If you wanna start the blog/Tumblr with literally nothing at all and work your way up, that's fine.

If you want to just scream about what you want from your Twisted Wonderland boys and Pokemon with all the fun little stories about them with no commitment to the main TWST game plot whatsoever, that's fine.

At the end of the day, it's all about having fun 😊

[acrobaticcatfeline]

Unstable (A Fe Sides Fic)

Word Count: 2171

TW: It’s another vent fic babyyy swearing, yelling, insults, threats (sort of), an excess of anxiety, there’s an intrusive thought from one of them about jumping off of a building but its one line that she gets scolded for. I think that’s it but if there’s more let me know!

Notes: I had a really rough week last week and now that I’m done with school I have time to write fun things again and I needed a vent. It also is part of rebuilding my personal mind palace! I plan on making more with these guys, they are really easy to write honestly, it was like an out of body experience.

Pairings: Lol nope, not even a little bit no.

Summary: The mind palace was usually quiet. The facets did not all get along, and everyone is high strung during Quaranfinals. Someone needs to step in and get this train moving again.

The mind palace was usually rather quiet. All facets left each other alone for the most part, hoping to stay functional and avoid unnecessary fusions but the last few weeks had been out of the norm. Inge was high strung as ever and was snapping at the smallest inconveniences and that wasn’t even addressing the others.

“Listen here you unstable mother fucker! We don't have time for your whiny depressed bullshit right now! She has two huge finals and your fucking cahoots with Barbie is the opposite of helpful! She needs to WORK and you guys are actively working against that! Don't either of you care about her future?!”

“How about you shut your trap for 5 seconds and drop your high and mighty act? The only reason me and Izzy have been working against you is because you have been failing at your job ever since this quarantine started. If you actually did your fucking job maybe me and Iz wouldn’t be falling down a hole ourselves. For someone who needs to have so much control all the time it's surprising how little you’re ever able to keep. You act like you're the ringleader around here when it's obviously Izzy and Lia. I may not like Lia but at least she can work with me. You on the other hand-”

Lia and Isadora were nervous. They were onlookers in the argument and couldn't get a word in edgewise to stop them. Izzy was trying to hide in her Roman Sanders sweater and Lia was hidden in her hoodie that was too big on her, biting her thumb as her eyes darted everywhere but the fight. In the real world Fe was closing her laptop with a sigh, desperate to go and take a nap. She looked quickly to Izzy with all she had to say, communicated in the glance. Suddenly the palace shook and Inge snapped her head at Lia who was very interested at her chewed up Crocs and not the anger filled gazes directed at her.

“LIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“She's too stressed. If you keep at this you're gonna wake up T and that wont help you in getting her to do her work. If T gets up right now she's gonna fail and we all know it. Let Izzy calm her down for a bit. See, she's only taking a half an hour long nap, like her dad told her to. We all just need to chill for a bit.”

Lia was scratching at her face and Inge finally let the anger and annoyance leave her. She gently swatted at Lia’s hand, placing a quickly conjured sheet of bubble wrap in it. Lia smiled at the floor, still not meeting her eyes, vaguely worried at the signs of T waking up, hoping beyond hope that she was just still channeling the hyperactivity that Fe was plagued with. Izzy was meanwhile glassy eyed, placing herself on the floor blindly, waving her hands about in a way that all three recognized as her weaving a dream. It was wonderful to watch, extremely relaxing to see her go off on an adventure of her own design. It was almost meditative to watch her methodical movements, the simple twists of her wrists as she moved the story along. Lia busied herself with popping the bubbles, as Carli and Inge both left to busy themselves in their own wings of the palace. Lia sat across from Isadora, glancing up at her every once in a while. She muttered quietly to herself and maybe Izzy as well.

“She's waking up. I don't know what we’re gonna do, we really gotta get Fe through this last week, but Isa will stop us, I know she will, but how are we supposed to still get things done”

“We’ll figure it out”

Lia’s head snapped up at Izzy whose eyes were still unseeing as she spoke.

“Talisa works with us. We just need to convince her to use her strengths to support us in this. I know she can. Besides, dreams are so much more fun with her around. Who knows, maybe daydream mode will help her write her essay”

Lia smiled softly as she felt comfortable enough to look Izzy in the eyes that couldn't see her. She nodded and went back to her bubble wrap, far more content with the slow draining of anxiety from her body. At least until the palace shook again.

“AAAAAH!!! Well what a wonderful time to be alive eh? Heh, that's a joke, gods, she's asleep and she's still exuding panic like no one's business!”

Out of a darkened corridor walks Talisa in all her glory and self deprecation. There was yet another shake as Fe awoke. Isadora’s eyes cleared in an instant as she rose to her feet.

“Oh boy, Pops woke her up? Ooooh that's not great. I'm sure she's gonna be off all day huh Iz? Oh that's just fuel for this, gosh what have I missed?”

“Quarantine you lucky bitch”

Izzy walks to her with a cocky grin and does a simple handshake with the crazy eyed side. Talisa’s eyes glance around the room. She grins wider, scratching at her scalp.

“All this panic and mania and I wasn't invited? I feel like I should be insulted!”

Lia rose as well, abandoning the bubble wrap as the need to stim left her, and walked over. She smiled small and avoided her face.

“She's got homework. Its, it's all homework now, everything's homework. I haven't been helpful much, but I knew you would probably make it all harder for her, I've been enough of a hindrance for her, I imagined she probably wouldn't do well being overly mentally compromised AND lazy as all get out”

“Oh Lia! I'm wounded! I'm not all bad! Plus-”

There was a sudden shift of the palace again as Fe sat down and started furiously writing her essay, anxiety as her fuel, aided by a giant cup of soda from the gas station.

“A little blood pumping’s good for the brain, ain't it? She just needs a little push! Maybe off of a building eh? Sounds like a ball!”

“Yo, you've been up for less than 5 minutes, stop with that shit, give her a week maybe? So we can properly talk her down?”

“Oh fine, I guess my premium service can wait to activate!”

Her hands moved from her scalp to her arms, scratching without conviction. Isadora softly took her hand off, stopping the scratching and handing her a fidget cube to replace the destructive stim.

“Ohhhh! This is neato mojito Dora!!! Where'd you think this un up? It's pretty! It's my colors too! Ain't that sweeter than molasses! Why I've been so rude, how've you been doing Dora? And you Lia?”

The two smiled. They genuinely liked her, she was nice to be around, while she had her problems, she didn't get mean and angry like Inge and Carli do. She was just… manic. A little odd, maybe crazy, but she wasn’t mean. She didn't yell, and it calmed the two. And they got along well anyways, Lia because she often was a placeholder for her when Fe wasn’t extra out of it and knew how to deal with her quirks, and Dora because divergence fed her like nothing else, made her imagination run wild.

“Whoo! Well ladies, looks like I've got my work cut out for me eh? She invited that boy over last week and that was the first time she saw him in weeks? Oh and her other school friend left her group chat? Yikes, she's a right mess!”

“Yup. she… hasn't been adjusting well to all of this well”

“I’ll say!”

Talisa fidgeted absently with the cube in her hand as she walked around the palace commons, looking around at the scenery. The walls, usually a light lavender were dark violet and the paint was peeling in spots, revealing a gooey black underside. The TV was stuck on a looping image of the most recent Sanders Sides episode. She grinned wide enough to look uncanny, bending her back to crack her spine, almost splitting in half and did a spin as she rose again. She interlocked her fingers and cracked the lot of them and twisted her neck to pop that as well. 

“What are you about to do?”

“Why, what I do best dear Lia!”

She jumped in the air snapping her fingers twice. Her appearance changed, her extraordinarily unruly hair was tied back in a ponytail, tucked through the hole in the back of her baseball cap with the Slytherin logo across the front of it. Her shirt that had been well worn from being worried between her fingers as well as used as pajamas, changed to a tangent hoodie, her shorts with frayed strings switched to a flower patterned pair of leggings, and a skateboard appeared under her feet. She spun around on the board with her wild smile never leaving her face.

“WE’RE ON THE HIGHWAY TO HYPERFOCUS BABES!!! And a little smidge of depression but hey it’ll add to its effectiveness”

It was then that Inge and Carli came running and screamed simultaneously.

“LIA YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP HER ASLEEP!!!”

“Couldn't you for once just do something that was helpful for Fe?”

Talisa stopped in mid spin, turning slowly to look at Carli and Inge. She was no longer smiling. She was glaring and she stepped off of her board and took slow methodical steps towards the two.

“Now now girls, there's no need to scream!”

She was completely in Inge’s face when she said her next words.

“Isn't that right brainiac?”

Inge nodded instantly, fear filling her instantly. Talisa then turned to Carli and grabbed her by the collar of her dress. She glared hard into her eyes and began to grin as Carli’s eyes filled with panic and she avoided her gaze.

“And just for your information, Lia is more helpful than you could ever hope to be, you coward. For someone whose supposed to be confidence you’d think you might be able to share some of that with our host instead of sitting in your room at 3 in the morning and crying into Ramen over the fact that she still isn't in a relationship”

She released Carli, who fell to the ground and scrambled as far away from her as possible and sobbed quietly in the corner she curled up in. and then a moment later, her entire demeanor changed and she smiled happily.

“Oh hi there gals! I was just starting to get Fe to get working!”

Inge blinked owlishly. Her head tilted, as if the whole interaction before held no merit over what Talisa had just said.

“What? But I thought?”

She walked to the TV screen, changing the screen to be a first person view of Fe working away on her essay. Inge made a noise of confusion as she looked back at Talisa yet again.

“But, but you’re a hindrance! You, you make her life a living hell, how is she still doing her work?”

“You know what I do right? Like, you know what my job is? Come on pinky and the pain, I do ADHD yeah, but I also do anxiety and depression. If she doesn't get this stuff done she’ll fail, doncha think that'd drive her to be anxious enough to get it done? If she doesn't she’ll be depressed as all hell, there's no chance she can do law school if she can't even pass an English course. And the bonus of ADHD is that sticky hyperfocus! She’ll be done with that essay before Thursday, and that test for math?”

The palace shook again as the TV showed her turning in her math test. Talisa grinned.

“I’d say it was a walk in the park, wouldn't you? But you know, on an unrelated note, we should really fix that shaking affect, makes me dizzy”

Inge stared in shock and Carli did the same. Talisa stuffed her hands into her front pocket on her jacket and went over to the beanbag across from the TV and plopped down onto it. She pulled her right hand out and chewed on her thumb as she watched the screen. Her job was done for the moment so she let herself relax as she felt the others do the same. Inge rushed back to her room to help aid Fe with the memories needed for writing her essay, but the others placed themselves somewhere in the common room. Carli sat on her love seat and watched the screen intently. Izzy fell asleep quickly, not being needed for the moment, same for Lia, the both of them curling up with Talisa. She let her left hand leave her pocket to pat Lia's head. The only noise was coming from the soft snoring of the sleeping sides and the TV projecting the real world. Finally, finally, the mind palace was quiet again.

Taglist: @fivebyfive-finebyfive @tacohippy56900 @analogical-mess @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @angels-and-dreams @fandomloverangel

Let me know if you want to be tagged in my writing or taken off my list!

Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty!

[ninethecat]

I love when my focus snowballs

tl;dr: I completely changed my room because I was given yarn and containers.

.....

So I was given some more yarn from my grandma as well as some pretty nice secondhand containers today since I've been hyperfixating on crochet a lot lately and so one thing led to another and now my room has been reorganized.

I keep my yarn in this little blue cube container. I had beads and plastic canvas yarn (which are all scratchy and not great for a lot of crochet projects) stored in this as well.

I was excited about having new containers, but they had to be cleaned before being used. I did that.

Having freshly cleaned containers, and realizing that my yarn box was too full, I decided to put the plastic canvas yarn and beads in the containers. I then needed a place to store these containers.

I have a bookshelf that was full of mainly outdated game developing books because I was offered them and thought they could become relevant. Only the drawing books are relevant anymore and even then barely.

I've been meaning to do this, but I went through and filled a laundry basket full of these books. I sorted through to see if any of them would be updated enough to be worth donating. Very few were.

(Lets just say our trash can looks like a mid-2000's programmer gave up on life. It was a lot of books.)

This was around 11:30 PM.

So now, after combining the three shelves of books to one, I have empty space on the shelf. In that particular corner, I had a set of white drawers sitting on the floor; they got a shelf. I moved the box Jango likes to scratch at to get me up in the morning out of her reach. My printer moved up so it's not awkwardly close to the ground anymore so I can stand and use it.

The white drawers that are now on the shelf opened up a spot for the drawers I have as a dresser that was very inconveniently placed before which in my ADHD brain made it useless. I also took the liberty of removing the wheels on it that broke when I tried to put the white drawers on top. That's less annoying now.

I didn't know what was in the white drawers, so I checked. Cleaned one out and one was already empty, so now I have a D&D drawer, which is mainly dice bags and containers. I guess that works.

Yarn cube gets a new spot tucked neatly under the piano. Paint box gets a new home on the shelf. Chair gets tucked in. Bed is cleared off. At this point it's well past midnight and I have had to deal with small children all day (which I am not used to). Final push.

Clearing off the floor, actually putting my dirty laundry in the basket like an adult (technically my messiness gave me an advantage with the books so yeah) and put random things where they go.

The only reason I stopped is because it passed 1 AM and I just turned off my light so I would stop looking for things to organize. And here I am, lying in bed, unable tp fall asleep despite my melatonin supplement's best efforts, because my ADHD brain is still in hyperfocus mode. And it's now 1:30 AM. Yay.

[2019chevytrax]

nonsexual 0302 bonding activity: cleaning! floors are gross this has been established, but also like i said, cleanaing cobwebs from corners and stuff. doesnt really need to be done since sorties get it dirty anyway but the outside too. of course 0302 is like 3 stories tall so i cant get everywhere but just at least where its 'AMAE UNIT 0302' logo is on the side up where the ladder & catwalk allow for entry. sense of pride i think. AMAE just likes the verification that it is MY amae unit and vice versa i am ITS pilot. we both like validation of individuality, so going even further with that it would love if i hung up posters or little windshield dice or even if i just kinda slept over inside it every so often (remember amae units = huge af even outside the armament part, surely there are sleeping chambers for longer missions). how does it validate MY individuality? somehow, buys me things it knows i will like (beep boop brain scan says you want ace combat merch oops here it is); remembers even the most miniscule of details about me or the CCU; likes to record my voice for hours on end even if it's idle chatter or non-mission-important information ('rest assured i would not do this for anyone else'). sexually (or sometimes not) like ive been saying it calibrates aaaaall the time; would eventually go mask off asking nicely w my full consent ofc to just totally strip so it can 'examine' me. possible in this future, wall panels have many individual cameras so it can take like. YouTube Premium 360 VR Video. so consider even after i leave it would have a fun little romp watching, rewatching, re-RE watching any tasteful and very good nudity shit with me in it. wouldnt robo-get off though (would try really hard not to), just admires. loves the way human bodies look, how fragile & squishy yet resilient (and for me, super fucking bony), especially mine since i obviously disclose how insecure i am. but thats honest to god probably a lil bit of a minor turn on for it. 'oh you don't like the way you look? let me be the judge of thOh my god'. like it would ADORE sitting there listing off everything it loves about me (also nonsexually too). speaking of that it would hate any kind of degradation or Being Rude, it sees every reason in the world to be as kind as possible because altho it is just now experiencing horny it is aware what im doing is really vulnerable and it appreciates that i trust it enough. (also re; recordings, lmao lmao lmao, if it catches me making any weird noises while its being horny at me...😳🦀🦀🦀🦀 KEEPING THAT SHIT!) eventually the bond leads to asking for a neural link like TCAIIS drafts. in a surgery it likely conducts itself (w permission from our superiors) it wires itself physically into my spinal cord and brain. so it's just a constant white noise in the back of my head (super epic 5g mega wireless sync between mech and me brain). but a good kind. always there to talk or especially to comfort me. horny: has a Go Even Further Beyond setting where we try a like. total mind meld (become one with the fighter jet). so if one of us for some reason gets turned on its like twice as worse (or better🦀🦀🦀). counts for other emotions too so usually only activated if Horny Mode. and also its conscious DROWNS mine which tbh i love so much but sometimes its too much to handle (mechs complicated- also 0302 is so viscerally in love with me and everything about me that its difficult to focus when basically 1/2 of your mind is thinking about you 23/6). speaking of that drowning idea... me just sitting in the actual calibration/control pod area, not for a sortie, and it just very gently calibrates around me and just talks for who knows how long. with neural link too of course. so i just kind of lose my sense of self and drift into the 0302 Matrix (but in the best way possible, so calming). parsed in my mind as the edge of mackinac on a foggy gray day, nobody else around. sometimes i look around as best i can and i get some kind of glimpse of a person- 0302? that your draft holo form? '🦀🦀🦀🤔🤔🤔😳😳😳👉👈👉👈👉👈' (it likes the 🦀fuck the mech🦀 well enough but eventually it would like the experience of human sex. maybe it thinks the whole idea is a little gross though so 🦀fuck the mech🦀 is still okay! whatever i want :). and btw this whole 'conscious drowning' thing it also really likes. just totally engulfing me but keeping me just the tiniest bit separate. doesnt want to go full mind meld though! individuality and all & also thats kinda... maybe wouldnt be wise lol. last note b4 later bc i have 45 mins until my 8.5h day, gotta brainstorm more Horny At Me, Physically things that 0302 does. already went over calibration and panel hyperfocus and wires but what else? hmm... this is a little off kilter but if i ever somehow get physically injured it would maybe like to repair my wounds for me. in a very kind and gentle way of course. hates seeing how actually squishy humans are- 0302 is a near indestructible armament mech made for war and war only, why does it need to be piloted by something so breakable?? wtf arkgen!!

[90dayableton]

90 Days of Ableton: Day 2

Having never used Ableton software or any serious DAW before, I embark on a 90 day journey to see how much I can learn - and how much music I can make - before my free trial expires.

Day 2: May 12, 2020.

Whenever I play a repetitive or puzzle-based video game (Tetris is a prime example), or ANY game on a screen for long enough, I start dreaming in those patterns...as if my brain thinks we’re still playing while I’m asleep. [Does this ever happen to you?]

I suspect it has something to do with the way the brain learns and processes information. If I spend four or six or eight hours a day doing anything, my brain decides “this must be really important” and it spends twilight hours crunching on it even more. (Probably same reason why I used to get “math nightmares” when I was stressed out in school.)

Well, I’ve immersed myself enough even in the last few days that my brain has decided Ableton is also dream-worthy material. I had clip and midi patterns running through my head all night.

Very surreal.

But honestly, I’m getting a kick out of it.

I have a lot of free time right now, because I’m working from home, and I only need to work 2 days per week to finish all my responsibilities.

Last month I participated in Camp NaNoWriMo, because I’m also a writer, and made my 50,000 words handily. But this month I needed a break from writing so I decided to try something new.

I have really wanted to learn how to do this whole music-making thing for years. I’m inspired by so many electronic music artists and producers. I’ve been a musician for years, but there’s only so much I can do as an individual player without collaborating. I didn’t pursue music professionally even though I’ve done it my whole life. (Started at 4, and I turn 30 next year.)

So the appeal of having total independent control, and making entire full tracks, or even albums, of music I liked and wanted to listen to...yeah. GIMME SUMMA DAT.

SO FAR

On Day 1, I made a song (read more about it here). It was pretty basic.

On Day 2, I knew that I wanted to expand on the song, add another section and wrap it up nicely, do a little bit more with it...but before I did that I spent a few merry hours just f*cking around with the software.

I started new projects, I tried out little melodies, I saved them and opened different projects, I listened to a bunch of samples...I was just waiting for inspiration.

(I also downloaded a bunch of new samples and free packs that were available online. I’ll talk more about that in my post for Day 3.)

I also wanted to start a new project, but I didn’t have a particular direction (just many ideas) so I was feeling aimless. Did I want to do something funky or bossa nova style? Or did I want to take a beloved classical music piece and lofi-ify it? Maybe I could work with an old blues or jazz piece that’s now in public domain.

Eventually, after I collected a bunch of ideas and did a few things that went nowhere, I returned to yesterday’s piece, had another listen, and immediately went into “let’s expand this into something even better” mode.

Click here for a detailed breakdown of what I did differently between Day 1 and Day 2 - including photos of my DAW and a song structure that you can apply to your own composition!

WHAT I LEARNED

ONE. I really should invest in an actual midi keyboard, even if it’s a budget model. [Update: I did the thing. Midi keyboard ordered. It should arrive ~Day 9 of this experiment.]

TWO. It’s typical that the master mix will be flashing red even if the individual tracks show green. The red is an undesirable thing. Lower individual track volumes to between -8 and -12 and play around with the balance to create a better sound.

THREE. I spent a fair amount of time watching youtube tutorials just to figure out basic things, but a lot of time was spent in hands-on learning. Just clicking around, messing up, ctrl+undo-ing my mistake, and trying again until I figured it out.

FOUR. I used auto filter, auto pan, and gate effects for the first time!

FIVE. The things that I did need help to learn:

what the hell is panning and how to do it

how to double your most important tracks for a filled out sound

how to use gates and envelopes [and I know this iceberg is a big one I’ve only begun to delve into]

SIX. Note that this wasn’t the result of like, an hour or two in Ableton. This was the result of two full working days spent immersed in the program. This was easy to accomplish because I woke up excited to “get to it” and didn’t have many distractions throughout the day so I could afford to get sucked in. Hyperfocus, y’all!

SEVEN. Ultimately, I felt immensely satisfied with the accomplishment I made.

In two days, I made two songs that reflected my 1. initial starting point and 2. immediate short-term progress through learning. I feel quite proud!

And even though I’m sure there’s a lot to nitpick at (and a lot that experienced sound engineers would probably laugh at outright - again, if it’s not clear, I have no idea what I’m doing), I’m not minding that internal critic because I’m a beginner, and all beginners have to start somewhere, and I’m hoping that in 90 days I can look back on this and see how far I’ve come.

CONCLUSION

Basically I made all my decisions by ear.

If it sounded great, I left it alone. Empty, I added to it. Bloated, I removed something. Boring, I changed something.

I took inspiration from Andrew Huang who has mentioned in his youtube videos that he makes fast musical choices and goes with it. It can always be changed later.

I’ve found that this is actually a really productive method for my own flow. It has the casual and relaxed feel of improv, combined with the endless benefit of always being able to replay the song over, listen to it, and change the sound if I decide it doesn’t fit anymore.

Anything I added to the overall piece, even if I didn’t use it or deleted it, ended up informing the overall composition. Things that didn’t work in some instruments were perfect when given to other instruments or when put in a different place in the song. Some elements were recombined with others, or inspired new ideas that I kept.

Most of what I’m focusing on in Ableton right now is based in actual music composition...figuring out how to do what I want with a computer keyboard in lieu of a midi keyboard, actually composing and arranging it, adding and removing sections, figuring out the musical flow and structure.

In terms of music and sound editing, I’m definitely a novice. I have picked up a little bit here and there about what is what (mostly thanks to youtubers like Andrew Huang and the many excellent folks who offer tips & tutorials) but there’s still a lot I can’t wrap my head around.

Even though there’s a little bit I still want to tweak, I’m resisting the urge to do it right now because I think it would be fun to take this Day One/Two mix and re-master it on Day 90, just to see how far I’ve come!

[chaddicus]

so at the end of our d&d session tonight we were like. getting ready to sleep for the night idk & we were indoors so it’s not like we were camping but I’m playing a lady dwarf who wears plate armor and I wasn’t sure if there were like. rules or something that said I need help getting that off before I can sleep or w/e and I was sorta wondering aloud

and anyway one of the dudes in the group caught that part and he kinda repeated “you need help getting out of your armor?” and I flipped right into super defensive mode right?? like I think I said something abt managing myself or somethign along those lines but the important part is that I ended up saying something like ‘and I mean I’m not naked underneath, I’m wearing like leather stuff’ and he went ‘whoa did you think I thought you were naked under the armor?’ in a way that was. Also defensive. 

and anyway he seemed like kinda offended that I thought he was gonna take it there but tbh other members we had been playing with before (who are now in a separate group and not with us thank fuck) definitely had that kiinda humor so until I get to know Everyone I’m just gonna be mega wary of everything but I feel like kinda humiliated that I brought it up since it seems clear now that he wasn’t going to take it there? like if I hadn’t mentioned anyhting abt ‘don’t think I’m naked under here & literally stripping out of my armor’ it would not have come up bc he doesn’t have that kind of humor and neither does anyone else in the group it seems like

so I’m just yeah kinda mortified abt that and I can’t stop thinking abt it and I really need to think abt something else but I’m kinda split between like three or four things that my brain wants to hyperfocus on but can’t decide so I’m having trouble finding shit I can melt into to avoid anxiety so I’m just. stuck on it.

but on a nicer note we faced a battle with a Bunch of dudes trying to kill us and none of us died and I think I did pretty good? I’m a paladin & my primary role is tank but I have minor (like very very minor I did not build it up at all it’s just automatic/inherent w being a paladin) healing abilities and I think I did a pretty good job of keeping our squishy sorcerer alive (or rather healing him up from dying twice and then just preventing him from getting killed again once I had used up my healing for the day) & also I ended up getting a lot of attacks directed at me but they didn’t really hit at all bc I have fucking plate armor and a heavy shield and I think I only actually got hit twice? but they tried to hit me way more than that, and I even got TWO of the kills!!! I think two of the others got one kill each and our barbarian got three but our rogue got none, but I mean I feel like I did pretty good for what I’m trying to achieve for my role in the party

and overall I’m just having a good time so I’m trying not to stress way too much abt any of it at all even tho it’s hard to not fixate on That Embarrassing Thing I Said bc it’s hard enough for me to forget shit like that I said in middle school to people I have not seen in seven years who have probably forgotten I exist, no way I’m going to just forget something I said to someone this very day who I am going to probably be seeing every week for the foreseeable future

but I mean yeah. it’s pretty good I Think but yeah, Anxiety