#brain hell

[cellkibty]

loud phonk wont fix me but it will sure fuck up my brain so why not

[touch-starved-lurker]

do yall ever. want to do something but your brain is stuck in a glue trap

[chaos-creature-on-the-roof]

you ever look at life and just want to ask why

why do I exist in a world full of people made only to hate me and who I am

why am I composed of parts that smash together in a discordant symphony of confusion and wrongness

why are the people that surround me spiteful or wrong or indifferent or simply bad in ways I cannot describe

why am I so fucking bad at understanding myself and identifying the emotions I feel other than sadness and rage

why did I learn to lie and fake emotions so young I no longer know which of my emotions are real and which are masks tied on with silk

why do I lie over simple and insignificant things without meaning only to regret the words the second they leave my mouth

why am I unable to simply live without fear or pain or anger or sadness that I don’t even know the source of

why was I put in these situations that caused me to grow into something I don’t recognize

I just need to look at life and ask why

[lilrobotman]

God gave me the uncool ADHD, instead of hyperfixating on fun stuff like movies or comics, I hyperfixate on the shit that makes me upset

[mangozic]

pre-distortion michael shelley but pointier and more shaped

[narcupid]

i have a headache it hirts ro bad and i deserve it but also i dont. im too fuxking fivine to have a goddamn hwadache.! ?!?!?!! how pathetic i am to have a fuckinf HEADACHE when im a god. jesus christ,

[keets-writing-corner]

Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??

As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue

the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD

He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.

like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...

The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"

and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it

does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING

like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow

For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat

Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation

Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with

Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)

But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time

Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell

Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch

idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room

[pig-mania]

me

[reilora-borealis]

Love how in every CR campaign it is established early and reaffirmed frequently who has the best tits in each party. For Bell's Hells it's Fearne. For Vox Machina it's Vex. For Mighty Nein... it's Fjord. And I think that's beautiful

[s-aint-elmo]

part 1 of my pining falin agenda aka it was so tragical that falin got benched for the entirety of marcille's little black dress morally bankrupt baddie era and falin thinks so too

(ID in alt text)

part 2

[cellkibty]

i am So done with this. it hurts so much. like physical pain what the fuck man

[desperatelyseekingjulia]

fuck zodiac signs do you also kinda feel excruciatingly unlovable in every way possible sometimes

[chaos-creature-on-the-roof]

i hate my brain SO MUCH sometimes

b/c ill just be chilling. Or in bed. And itll pipe up with sum shit like

"You didn't lock your door" (i did. I checked them all. Twice)

"one of your cats ran away!" )they did not. I saw them both ten minutes ago and no doors opened since then)

"Someone is behind you right now!! Don't move or acknowledge them or they'll attack!! But they're there!!" (There is no one there. It is 11 pm. Stop it)

like. Just - no?? And then the random panic/anxiety/paranoia spikes at various times. Taking out the trash? Boom, anxiety. Eating a sandwich? Paranoia time babeyy

Just. Annoying brain basically

[farewell-persephone]

uh oh

[narcupid]

i want OUT i cant fuckinf. i hatemyself and i deserved everyrhinf but im actually better than everyone here. how dare you think otherwise. i am god. i deserved none of it. i should die.

[lazylittledragon]

so how about that durge