#boston bruins fiction

[joannaliceevans-fanficblog]

Love on Thin Ice

Hi everyone! Okay, so this is totally different from what I normally write. No, this isn't a fic about Chris or any of his characters. This is a hockey fic!

This is something that I've been working on for a while, and I decided to share what I have so far! I really do hope y'all like it!

Jeremy Swayman entered the hallway with his teammates. It was another successful win against the Maple Leafs. He smiled, hearing his teammates yell and scream with victory. But as he entered, something didn't feel right. Something felt off. He saw their coach before he could even sit and motioned for him to step outside. 

The boys playfully mocked him and gave him “oooooooos” as he walked by. Laughing, Jeremy flipped them off and stepped out. As he did, Jim stood to the side and sighed, “Coach, if this about the penalty-”

Again, Jim sighed and rubbed his face. “Sway, that's not the reason. I don't know how to tell you this, but your mother called.” 

Jeremy looked at his coach and lifted his eyebrow, “Okay, but she would call me. Why would she call the team, especially you?” 

Jeremy was feeling suspicious.

“Jeremy, your cousin Aria. There's been a terrible accident. It closed 95N. A 6-car pile-up. Your mom didn't give the specifics, but it's serious, and you need to come down to MassGen.” Jim said, and Jeremy stood frozen still. 

Jim patted his back and left him to collect his thoughts. Snapping out of his thoughts, Jeremy returned to the locker room to get his things.

“Has anyone seen Marchand? He needs to do his press interview!” Jim yelled. 

“He changed quickly, grabbed his stuff, and bounced. I asked if there was anything wrong. He didn't respond.” McAvoy said. 

It took Jeremy only a few seconds to realize where Brad had gone. Cursing to himself, he quickly changed, grabbed his things, and ran out of the Garden leaving everyone in the locker room even more confused.

**

When Jeremy arrived at MassGen, he ran towards the entrance to see his mom in the waiting room. 

“Ma!” Jeremy said as he ran towards her. 

Julie stood up and hugged her son, “Jeremy, I couldn't stop-”

“I know. I figured he overheard me when you called Jim. Is he inside the ICU?” Jeremy asked. 

His mother nodded and Jeremy headed to the front desk. He was given a visitor's pass, and the nurse led him to a private waiting room. The door opened just as his suspicions were right.

The nurse closed the door, and Jeremy took a seat. The two boys sat across from each other. Brad had his elbows on his thighs and looked down to the ground. Jeremy had his arms crossed against his chest and leaned his head back. 

“I don't even want to know how you know,” Jeremy said.

“I didn't mean to. I just passed by and heard the conversation with you and the coach. I wasn't thinking-”

“Did you pull the I'm the-”

“We are technically still married,” Brad said, leaning back into his chair. The gold band still glowed in the light, and Jeremy sighed. 

“You still said a lot of hurtful things to her.” Jeremy reminded Brad. 

Brad suddenly sat up with his hands forming into fits. Jeremy rolled his eyes and calmly stood up.

[poithead51]

why do you hate media so much?

matt poitras x fem!socialteam!reader

-

hi y’all this is my first EVER fic so please be nice as i’m starting this new journey. just a lil story based off of a dream i had LMAO

word count: 2.7k

warnings: none, some cursing. just some good old pining with our mp51. reader is 21!

-

“This is where your office will be for the time being. Why don't you put your things down and get comfortable, and l'll come get you in a few. I'll take you to meet Don, Cam, Jim, and the boys."

She nodded and smiled at her new boss, putting her bag down on the chair of her new, albeit small, office. It was probably 10×10ft, but it overlooked the city of Boston in the way she'd always dreamed of. She finally made it - got a position working in media for her childhood, hometown team - the Boston Bruins.

As she paced around the room, all she could do was smile to herself, anxiously awaiting her boss, Angelica, to come retrieve her so she could meet the team.

Boston born and raised, she had always been a hockey fan - specifically a Bruins fan. Brad Marchand's name and jersey number were her laptop password far before he wore the C' on his chest. Jack Edwards' voice was both familiar and nostalgic, as it echoed around her childhood home in the fall, with family crowded up around the TV set watching their B's.

"Y/N, are you ready?" Angelica's voice broke her away from her memories. She grinned as Angelica motioned for her to follow down out of her office and into the Garden. She looked around in disbelief - all of her hard work truly paid off to get here, especially at only 21 years old.

"Unfortunately, Mr. Sweeney and Mr. Neely are in an important meeting at the moment. l've made them aware that you are here and ready to start working. We'll go meet Monty and the team now, if that's alright. You can get right on with your first task, the hometown video I mentioned. That's a short and easy one that they'll love to do, and it'll help them get to know you and vice versa. Alright?" Angelica smiled.

"Sounds great." she replied kindly, trailing behind Angelica slowly, as she glanced around the path on the way to the locker room. Her hands started to sweat as they got closer to the door, knowing that Brad Marchand was back there. The other guys too, but mostly Brad.

Angelica knocked on the door before turning to her new hire. *Here goes nothing!" she smiled.

Montgomery comes to the door, a small grin lacing his normally stern face. Angelica speaks again. "This is Y/N, our newest media hire. She hails from Boston University. She gestures to her side proudly, as Y/N offers her hand for Monty to shake. "Mind if we come in and get her started?"

Montgomery laughs. “Sure thing. God knows they're tired of me laying into 'em." He holds the door open for the ladies and clears his throat.

"Gentlemen, we have visitors." His voice booms through the space as he leads the media team to the space the team is sitting.

Y/N glances around. Holy shit. That's him. That's Brad Marchand. And Charlie McAvoy. And David Pastrnak. And Charlie Coyle.

She pinches her own hand to remind herself that this is real life.

Angelica clears her throat to speak. “Hi everyone!You all know me, from the marketing and media team. I wanted to introduce to you our newest member of the media group, who will be working closely with you all as a creator for our social accounts and website. Please give Y/N a warm Bruins welcome."

The team smiles, claps, and Carlo lets out a whoop. Of course he did, she thinks to herself, recalling all of the silly videos of Brandon she's seen over the years on the Bruins pages.

Angelica gestures silently over to her new hire, prompting her to introduce herself. "Hi guys, my name is Y/N and I am so excited to be here. I'm a hometown fan hailing from BU," she is interrupted by a whoop now from McAvoy.

She laughs before continuing. “I'm 21, and just finished my degree in digital marketing a year early. I'II be around you all for the time being creating content for our pages like Angelica said, and I'm really looking forward to getting to know you all. Especially you, Marchy!" she giggles, as laughs, cheers, and boos are heard around the room.

Out of the corner of her eye, she watches a slightly unfamiliar face shove Frederic's side with a puss on his face, as Freddy laughs at him. She narrowed her eyes. Who is that?

Monty notices her confusion and steps in. “Alright boys. Does anyone have any questions for Y/N before I let her take over to do her job, since half of you can't do yours?" He scoffs.

Trent starts to speak loudly, as the one next to him lowers his head. "Potsy wants to know-"

“I don't think Y/N, Angelica, or myself want to answer whatever question is going to follow that, Trent.” Monty interjects. “You're dismissed for the day. Practice at Warrior tomorrow at noon, optional skate at 10:30. Do the media and go home." He rolls his eyes, grabs his suit jacket and leaves the room with Angelica, who slips a thumbs up to her new hire.

The room goes silent, with everyone turning to look at their new media girl. She waves timidly before starting to speak. “Alright guys - just an easy one for me today, no hassle. All you have to do is tell me where you come from! What's your hometown. Bonus points for country, state, province, whatever." She smiles. "Anyone want to go first?"

Zadorov jumps out of his seat. "I've been waiting for something like this! I finally can explain my accent." he grumbles as laughs break out throughout the room.

"Alright!" she replies. *This is not mandatory this first go around, but I'd really love it if everyone would participate. I'd love to get to know you and vice versa. You ready Nikita?"

"She knows my name!!!" Zadorov exclaimed, met with cheers and gloves being thrown at him from various spots around the room as the team begins to clean up. As their new media girl turns to leave the room, she makes eye contact with the same player she watched shove Frederic not too long ago. She smiles at him kindly, and he quickly turns around and grabs his things.

She reads the back of his jersey.

51. Poitras.

Oh... The rookie. He's back from injured reserve, she presumes, trying to not read into how quickly he dodged her eye contact and smile.

For the next hour and a half or so, she learns Zadorov hails from Moscow, Swayman from Anchorage, Frederic from St. Louis, and Marchy from Halifax, Nova Scotia. She pretended she didn't know that one already.

She speaks one-on-one with the majority of the team, with the soft spoken folks like Zacha and Peeke slipping out after bidding her a goodbye and brief thank you.

51 never said anything.

She watched as Poitras, who's first name escaped her, waited for Lohrei and Frederic to be done with their quick interviews, and immediately ushered them out of the room upon completion.

No words spoken to the media girl or either of the players, just frantic hurrying out of the locker room.

The whole situation just seemed strange. She tried to rationalize her thoughts, acknowledging that this random rookie didn't know her, and had no reason to dislike her. Maybe he had something going on. A party or shoot to get to, a dinner reservation, or maybe just didn't feel well and wanted to go home and play Xbox or something.

It wasn't her fault. Not on day one.

-

By day 45, it definitely started to feel like her fault.

51, or Matt as she now knows, continued to dodge her constantly - around the office, around the rink, even on his way in and out of the locker rooms. Matt had not done content for media in her entire month and a half long duration with the Bruins. It started to feel personal.

Luckily, she had finally found a rapport with the majority of the team. Marchy, her childhood favorite, became a confidant, always wanting to partake in anything to give him attention. She got a few lip sync videos out of him. Zadorov another she grew close to. But unshockingly, no one came close to touching her relationship with Brandon Carlo. Though truly not that much her senior, Brandon became an older brother figure to her, frequently partaking in her content, chatting with her, and inviting her out with him, his wife Mayson, and their kids.

She had grown so fond of her Bruins family, and it showed in her content. Her silly interviews had started to do numbers on Instagram and TikTok. The Bruins presence on social media skyrocketed, and she began to receive tasks from her bosses to include as many players as possible.

Her newest task? Intro to the new guys.

Of fucking course.

She started with Lohrei. He was the easiest - just wanted to do what he knew he had to and get back to the ice. She liked that about him. Being the same age, they had a similar respect for each other. And sent each other TikToks on occasion.

After Beecher, Koepke, Jones, Zadi, and Lindy #2, Kastelic was next - though not new to the league, only the B's. Though she knew he was from Arizona and is a former Ottawa Senator, she learned Kasty is an NHL nepo baby.

“Y/N... You can't start calling me nepo baby.. it's not like l'm a Tkachuk." Mark rolled his eyes, the girl laughing in response, clutching her abdomen.

"Kasty, as far as l'm concerned, you might as well be the lost third brother. You're just as much of a rat!"

"Oh... That's low..." he cackled.

"Whatever. Get outta here, and send the next guy in!" she called.

"Will do!" Kasty replied diligently, turning on his heels to go out into the hall. She knew Matt was next. He was the only new guy' left. Being a fan favorite, she knew he needed to be in this video series.

What is taking so long??

She crossed her arms and tapped her feet anxiously, waiting for Poitras to come into the interview room.

“Dude, you actually need to grow up. This is part of the job." She hears Mark's voice through the wall. Her stomach sinks. Is he talking to Matt?

She approaches the door, leaning her ear up against it. "Do you really think this does you any favors? You're such a kid. This isn't the minors, Matt." Kasty's voice booms nastily.

She feels the tears well up in her eyes. She had the feeling that Matt didn't like her, but to fight with a teammate over having to be in an interview video? Was she really that bad at her job?

She walks away from the wall when she hears scrambling on the other side. She wipes her tears as Mark comes back into the room, the one and only Matt Poitras trailing behind him. Kastelic rolls his eyes. "Matt hates media, sorry. He needs to be out as soon as possible or he'll start to freak out." Mark leaves, slamming the door behind him.

Matt sighs, running his hand through his hair.

"Sorry, Y/N. Can we just get this over with?" he says, uneasiness audible in his voice.

She takes a deep breath as she turns her camera back on. "Sure thing, Matt. Why don't you tell me a little about your life growing up?"

-

A few days later, she aggressively flops down onto the carlo family couch. "Brandon, I have a genuine question."

Brandon cocks his eyebrow, bringing dinner over to Y/N and Mayson. "This can't be good." he chuckles.

She throws her arms up exasperatedly. "This is not a joke! I need answers.” Brandon ushers her on. “Is there a reason Poitras hates media so much?"

Brandon lets out the smallest giggle under his breath, making eyes at Mayson. The girl continues, solemnly. "Is it me? Did I do something?"

"Oh my god. No. You didn't. Open your eyes!" Brandon all but yells, not wanting to wake up the kids.

She furrows her brow. “Brandon. I've known you for just under two months and here I am, eating dinner on your couch with your family. Poitras won't do much as speak to me, and he avoids me and media at all costs. I don't know what I did to him." she feels her eyes start to water again.

Brandon sighs. “Dude, have you ever considered that you make him nervous?"

"What? He's a professional hockey player Brandon, that makes no sens-"

“Y/N, he has a crush on you. Since day one. It is slowly killing all of us." Mayson starts to giggle as Y/N's jaw drops, Brandon looking very proud of himself.

"What?"

"You have to say something to him. Please. For the rest of our sake. Monty almost killed him last week when he fucked up that drill in practice - he got distracted when he noticed you in the stands with the camera. If you don't say something to him soon, Monty's gonna send him to Providence!!" Brandon laughed, a lot less quiet this time. Mayson, also still laughing, shushed him between giggles.

-

Monday morning, she shows up to practice with her camera, an evil (Carlo) plan in her brain.

Up in the stands, she notices as she catches Matt's eye. She waves and smiles as he skates into Lohrei's back distractedly. Mason shoves him in response, laughing as he realizes he had been looking at the girl up in the stands.

When Monty calls practice, she heads down to the locker room, searching for Matt. She knocks, signifying her entrance into the room. she calls into the room. "Hey guys, it's Y/N. I need Potsy for an exclusive. Boss's orders." She smiles as she rounds the corner, her order met by whoops and wolf whistles.

Matt blushes, giving his team the stink eye as he approaches her. He starts quietly. “What is this for? They know I don't like doing media."

She gives him a soft smile. "It's a silly TikTok. Ranking snacks. You're a hot commodity, Matty, fans want to see you online!" He blushes again, grabbing his water bottle and following her out of the locker room.

They hear a faint "GET IT!" from Pastrnak as the door closes.

-

Matt sits down in the interview space, accepting her phone with TikTok open on it.

"Loosen up, it's just a video. Everyone loves you - they want to see you be silly" She smiles.

He blind ranks the snacks, frustratedly putting cheetos above protein bars after he didn't plan accordingly. He grins timidly as he gives the phone back to her. He pushes his chair back, and starts to get up to leave. “I hope that was enough. I gotta g-”

“Matt, wait." She gently grabs his arm. "Sit back down for a second. I have more questions!"

His face heats up as he sits back down. "About what? I thought I already did my get to know you thing weeks ago." He rolls his eyes unconvincingly.

She giggles in reply. "They're questions from me.”

"Of course they are, you're the media girl. I don't understand."

"No. This is Y/N asking Matt a question. Not the media girl asking the rookie." She smirks. "I just want to know - why do you hate media so much?Did I do something? You did fine when it was Angelica."

Matt sighs. "It's nothing personal, Y/N. I just get nervous."

She smirks again. "Matt, I know it's personal.”

Sighing louder this time, Matt speaks again. “Y/N, whatever Freddy or Kasty or whoever else told you is not true, I have nothing against yo-"

"Matt, I have a crush on you too."

Matt freezes. "What?"

“I know that's why you won't do media. Why do you think I keep asking you to do it anyway?"

"Boss's orders?" He smiles shyly.

"Something like that." She pulls a piece of paper out of her camera bag, scribbling digits onto it. "Here's my number, Pots. Don't lose it, okay?"

She gets up, turns on her heels, and opens the door back to the locker room.

"I'll call you!" He calls after her.

“I’m sure you will.”

-

hope u like it bruins gals :P accepting NON SMUT requests for rn

[andydrysdalerogers]

Cross-Checked - Masterlist

Andy Barber x OFC Leighton "Leia" Andrews

Summary:

Andy Barber is having the best year of his life. His game is on point. It’s gets to play with his best friend and his fiancé just... dumped him?!. 

Reeling from a sudden change in status, Andy decides it’s time to just focus on hockey. Until his best friend's sister comes out with news that rock the entire organizations world., 

Andy has always carried a torch for the untouchable Leighton but in her hour of need, is now the time to shoot and score or risk getting cross - checked again? 

Warnings: Cheating (but not by the MCs); slow burn; friends to lovers eventually; SMUT!; pregnancy; jealousy; evil exes...

Chapter List Below!

Teaser #2 // Teaser #3 // Meet Jeremy

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12 // Chapter 13 // Chapter 14 // Chapter 15 // Chapter 16 // Chapter 17 // Chapter 18 // Chapter 19// Chapter 20 //Chapter 21 // Chapter 22 // Chapter 23 // Chapter 24 // Chapter 25 //

@patzammit

@texmexdarling

@slutforchrisjamalevans

@firephotogrl74

@tinkerbelle67

@before-we-get-started

@bunnyforhim

@alexakeyloveloki

@sunnyhummingbee

@whiskeytangofoxtrot555

@peaceinourtime82

@saucy-sassy-sparkly

[jeandejard3n]

The War of the Worlds: Tripods on Boston

[kaleidoscopehockey]

About Kaleidoscope Hockey

Hello!

I'm Morgan (she/her) and Kaleidoscope Hockey is the little fictional NHL universe I've built in my head. I've been writing fiction for as long as I can remember, but the first story in the Kaleidoscope Hockey universe, In This Lifetime, is my first attempt at sharing my fiction with the world :)

It is currently a work in progress on AO3.

A little about me - I am from Boston and an avid hockey fan! As such, the Bruins are my number one, but I really just love the sport and am a fan of many teams and players across the league. I work a very corporate day job and spend most of my free time reading, writing, and hanging out with my 3 year old poodle mix. His name is Penne (like the pasta!).

Thanks for being here :) I'd love it if you said hi!

[snorky]

masterlist

below is listed the works of the fandoms/groups i write for. (please keep in mind that all of these are works of fiction, and NOT a depiction of reality; also keep in mind that i do not keep up with much media/news, and so if a player or character is problematic, let me know, please) saints and sinners welcomed:

NHL Hockey:

✧ Boston Bruins

✧ Buffalo Sabres

✧ Florida Panthers

✧ Montreal Canadiens

✧ New Jersey Devils

✧ Philadelphia Flyers

✧ Seattle Kraken

✧ Toronto Maple Leafs

✧ Vancouver Canucks

✧ Vegas Golden Knights

Detroit: Become Human

✧ Gavin Reed

[lovecuprite]

ꕥ mixed uk/caribbean ꕥ uni student ꕥ infp-t

likes: fictional men, video games (ac, cod, hsr etc) listening to music, daydreaming, nhl (boston bruin's fan), reading, philosophy, cats.

some of my faves: arthur morgan (rdr2), satosugu both (jjk), tsukishima (hq), bakugo (mha), alhaitham, ayato (gi), veritas ratio (hsr), zayne (l&d), ghost, keegan (cod), reiner, levi (aot)

tags: #ʚɞ navi #ʚɞ writings #ʚɞ asks #ʚɞ moots #ʚɞ recs #ʚɞ art #ʚɞ tag games selfships: erithur (arthur morgan) eritham (alhaitham) suguris (suguru geto) veris (veritas ratio)

[acjrven]

Welcome to my Blog!

ABOUT ME!:

hi! i’m SJ, 19, he/him and proudly queer 💁🏼‍♂️ and being a bruins defender 🤗

main fandoms/interests atm!💌

BOSTON BRUINS! (n the rest of boston sports)

CALL OF DUTY

other fandoms!

ASOIAF

TLOU

WALLOWS

RED DEAD

————————————————————————

MY WORKS:

Sometimes i do write (mainly for asoiaf/tlou… maybe some ) so here is my fics

MASTERLIST AO3 (acjrven)

Most my fan fictions are 18+ (Minors DNI! and please read at your own discretion all warning are stated at every work)

[thewintersoldierdisaster]

the last three books i bought!

1. wreck the halls by tessa bailey, the queen and an auto-buy author!! i met her at a book signing and we share a hair stylist and in my mind that makes us best friends

2. king of cups by @phoebe-woods - a hockey romance with supernatural aspects and a mystery and a book that i’m DYING to get into. the team is a fictional boston bruins which pains my little islanders heart, but i’ve heard only amazing things about this book and am super super excited to start it!

3. offside hearts by nikki lawson - not gonna lie, i saw this one on a tik tok and was suckered in by the smut excerpt 💁🏼‍♀️ i’ve heard good things about this one too!

let me know the last three books you guys have read/bought - im always up for more recommendations 🥰

[joannaliceevans-fanficblog]

Okay. I've been working on this for a few weeks already. The planning and the structure.

This is a new fandom for me! It's coming soon!

[rjdavies]

Celebrating Black History Month: Willie O’Ree

Who is Willie O’Ree? Think Hockey! Canadian Hockey Hall of Fame!

Born October 15th, 1935 in Fredericton, New Brunswick. He played for the Boston Bruins, winger. It was January 18th, 1958 when Willie O’Ree stepped onto the ice and started his professional career in the sport, he played from 1958 to 1979. 

Willie O’Ree was the first Black hockey player, he was inducted into the New Brunswick Sports Hall of Fame in 1984. On June 26, 2018, it was announced that O'Ree would be inducted as a builder into the Hockey Hall of Fame later that year. In 1998, the National Hockey League approached him to be the director of youth development for its diversity task force. 1998 Willie received the Oder of Canada, the highest civilian aware for a Canadian citizen. 

O'Ree was inducted into the New Brunswick Sports Hall of Fame in 1984. In 1998, O'Ree was working at the Hotel Del Coronado in San Diego, California when the National Hockey League approached him to be the director of youth development for its diversity task force. 2018 he was inducted as a builder into the Hockey Hall of Fame.

People don’t think about it, but the importance of seeing someone who is your colour, race, sex, disability or simply a reflection of yourself in a position that you that you desire as a child, helps solidifies the possibilities for that child.

For most kids playing professional hockey is a dream, as it was for Willie O’Ree.

R. J. Davies

A Riveting Jacked-In Dreamy Mind-Bender

RJ Davies - Science Fiction Author, Maddox Files, Novels

[andydrysdalerogers]

Cross-Checked ~ Chapter 15

Andy Barber x OFC Leighton "Leia" Andrews

Summary:

Andy Barber is having the best year of his life. His game is on point. It’s gets to play with his best friend and his fiancé just... dumped him?!. 

Reeling from a sudden change in status, Andy decides it’s time to just focus on hockey. Until his best friend's sister comes out with news that rock the entire organizations world., 

Andy has always carried a torch for the untouchable Leighton but in her hour of need, is now the time to shoot and score or risk getting cross - checked again? 

Warnings: Cheating (but not by the MCs); slow burn; friends to lovers eventually; SMUT!; pregnancy; jealousy; handsome goalies, evil exes...

A/N: The tag list is open!

I do NOT give permission for my work to be translated or reposted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. DO NOT REPOST MY FICS. Reblogs, comments, likes, and feedback ALWAYS appreciated

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Banners by me!

Previous: Chapter 14: Mother Knows Best

Series Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 15 ~ Unexpected

Andy 

Week 26 

We’ve been at Boston General for a few hours. The doctor immediately checked Leia in and hooked her up to a couple of machines. She was doing everything she could to remain calm, but the tears wouldn’t let up.  I am so angry at Monica for this. Why that woman can’t just be happy for her kids is beyond me.  It's times like these where I miss my mom. While she would have been skeptical because of the how, she knew the why and that would have been all that mattered. She loved Leia and knew about my unrequited love for her. She would have been thankful for our love and for her granddaughter.  

Fuck Monica for ruining this.  

Once the machines were one, we heard the best sound in the world: the fetal heart monitor. I swear there is not a sweeter sound than my daughter’s heartbeat. Hearing it nice and strong gave me the strength to let go of my anger and concentrate on my family. I was flooded with relief until I saw the tears streaming down her beautiful face. “Sweetheart?” 

“I thought I hurt her,” she cries. She leans her head into me, and I hold her. She sobs for a while, soaking my shirt with her tears. I do my best to soothe her, running my hand over her hair, kissing her head, reassuring her. “My queen, our princess is good.  She’s healthy and growing.” She hiccups as she starts to calm down.  

“Where is Luke?” 

“I think he went for a coffee. Let me find him. I will be right back.” I kiss her forehead and smile before I head out.  I know where Luke is. He texted me a few minutes ago and I know I need to help him before he goes on a spree. 

“Kyle, my sister has been admitted for monitoring and you want to excuse her behavior.... I don’t care. She has been so selfish when it comes to us... I get that you love her and she’s your wife, but she’s been our mother longer... if she is not going to apologize then she is not welcomed. I will not have her upset my sister when it puts her and my niece in danger.” He ended the call and looked at me with a fire, but it was mixed with sadness.  “She doesn’t think she did anything wrong.”  

My best friend looks defeated.  He should have been on a high, coming back from his first all-star game. Instead, he had to deal with his mother. “I’m sorry, brother. What can I do?” 

He shakes his head, not sure of the words to say. He looks up at me and his eyes are rimmed with tears. “I feel like I lost both my parents now.” A single tear falls, and I pull him into a hug. He sobs because I know, this is hard for him. He wants to be strong for Leia so I gave him this. 

“Let it out, buddy, its ok.  Just you and me, alright. Be weak here so you can be strong out there.” I just hold him, and he calms.  

“What did the doctors say?” He wipes the wetness from his eyes.  

“We can hear the baby. A nice strong heartbeat. I don’t know what the tests say yet. We’re waiting for the doctor to tell us but really Leia just wanted to know that she was ok.”  

Before Luke can say anything else, a nurse comes in. “Mr. Barber, Mr. Andrews?” 

“Yes?” 

“Miss Andrews asked if you could come in. The doctor wants to go over the results.”  

I nod and we make our way back to Leia’s room. I see her sitting up, rubbing her hand over her belly. I sit next to her on her bed and kiss her head. Luke takes his place standing on the other side of the bed. The doctor looks at his notes before he begins. “Leia, I talked to Dr. Sheppard, and we think we need to make some changes.”  

“Changes?” She squeaked.  

“Modified bed rest.  You don’t need to be in bed, but we would like you to rest as much as possible. No more highly stressed events, working, anything like that.”  

I frown. “She has to stop working?”  

“It would be recommended. Now, I know you are no longer flying but I would avoid traveling as much as possible. More time on the couch, baths, naps are recommended, until at least the 34th week.  By that time, the baby is much more developed and can be safely delivered.”  

“Ok,” she whispers. “Anything else?” 

“Plenty of fluids, maintain your diet, and we should get you to the home stretch. Eight weeks, ok. You will have weekly check ins now so we can check your blood pressure and we get a peek at Baby but otherwise, you are lady of leisure from now on.”  

“Thanks Doc,” I say. He leaves the room, and a nurse comes in. “I’m gonna get your discharge paperwork so we can get you home.”  

“Well, this sucks,” Leia says as she leans her head back. “I don’t know what I am going to do. I mean the Bruins said that if I had to go on early maternity leave, it wouldn’t be a problem but with my business...” 

“Why not hire someone to step in?” Luke says. “You could get one of the assistants to help you and maybe you can video conference for the really big meetings.”  

“You’re a genius, Lukey!” Leia wraps her arms around her brother. It's one problem solved until I remember we have a lot of road games coming up.  Our schedule had been home heavy until recently and now we need to hit the road.  

“What about when we are gone?” I ask. “Can Miranda stay with her?” 

“I don’t think it will be a problem. She works from home,” Luke says. “We’ll make sure you are taken care of Cubby, don’t you worry.”  

Week 27 

I’m packing my bag for the next road trip as my queen sits up in bed, reading a book.  “Whatcha reading, beautiful?” 

“Just a romance,” she says distractedly.  

“Oh yeah?” Now this piqued my interest. Leia has an affinity for dirty romances.  She thinks I don’t know this, but she’s left a couple of her books laying around and I got curious a couple of times.  Let me tell you, it has given me a few ideas for when she is no longer pregnant, and I can bend her body at my will. I glance at my watch and determine that I have some time.  

“Mmhmm.” She is deep in the story that she doesn’t see that I’m pulling off my shirt. I grasp her ankle and pull her down the bed. She squeaks and then moans as I run my hands up her legs. She’s just wearing one of my shirts and panties, making her look scrumptious. As I pull her down, the shirt rides up, exposing her belly and stopping right below her breasts. “Andy...” 

“Yes, darling?” I start to kiss around her belly, giving my daughter some kisses before I take her mom. I can feel her push against the skin, and I smile. Then I travel south, hearing Leia’s breath hitch at the sensation. “A problem, my love?” 

“N-no,” she replied as her body arched when my lips touched her clit. It was beautiful to see her so sensitive, responsive to every touch. I wasn’t rough with her. Every lick, every suckle, every kiss was soft and sweet, and it drove Leia wild. “Andy,” she cried, “more, please!” 

“Do you know how much I love feasting on you? Tasting you, owning you. This is my favorite place in the whole world.” I opened her up with my thumbs and drank her up. “God, why do you taste so good?” 

She whimpered and thrashed. I placed my hands on her hips to hold her steady. I lapped up and down, not wanting to stop until I felt her come apart.  I had asked the doctor if sex would be bad for her and the baby.�� The doc had chuckled and said it would actually relax her more. I would be a bad partner and father if I didn’t do everything I could to make sure they were relaxed until she arrived.   

She began to chant my name as I worked faster but not harder. I was going to be on the road for the next twelve days so this was going to have to last for me. She could barely reach my head with her finger to pull me closer to her. I finally obliged and let my finger slide into her. She moans and I work her slit between my lips.  “C’mon baby, let me have it.”  

She cried out as her climax washed over her, her pussy pulsing around my fingers. I could live in between her thighs. I worked her through her peak and slowed as I felt her body relax. “Andrew Steven Barber, you are trying to kill me.”  

“I would never do that sweetheart. Just needed something to remember you by while I’m alone on the road.” I crawled up to lay next to her and moved her hair out of her face.  She smiled softly before giving me a kiss.  I knew she was tasting herself, which is a move I find sexy as hell. She palmed my erection through my jeans, and I moaned. “Fuckkkk.” 

“So big,” Leia coos as she undoes my jeans and reaches into my boxer briefs. I head lulls back as she pumps my cock, making it harder. “I wish I could suck you off.” She pouts at me, but she knows the rules. Being on her knees is not good for her or the baby.  

“I know, baby.” I kiss around her neck and whisper to her, “tighter.” She grips me tighter, the added pressure mimicking her tight pussy. “Just like that,” I rasp.  

“Andy, I need you,” she moans. I’m quick to lay down and pull her onto my lap. She centers herself and slides down my erection with ease. “Oh my god,” she rolls her head back in a moan.  

“Just let me do the work, my queen.” I grip her hips and move her up and down my shaft as I pump my hips up to meet hers. Her breast bounce in front of my face and I can help but lick them as they move.  She keens at the sensation, her hands gripping my abs.  

It's not enough. I know I can feel how she wants it, harder and deeper. I carefully twist her onto her back, making sure I don’t put weight on her belly. I wrap her legs around me and push back in. I’m deeper now and fuck if it doesn’t feel good. I pump into, enjoying her cries as I reach down to stroke her clit and bring her to her release. “Come on, baby. Let go for me.”  

“Andy!” She detonates around me, squeezing me so hard that I follow behind her, shattering. I come so hard I see stars. I slow our movements but haven’t pulled out quite yet.  

“Are you ok, my queen?”  I look at her glassy eyes with a smirk.  

“I’m great,” she breathes. I pull out gently and then get a cloth to clean her up. I helped her back into some panties and a shirt. I jumped into the shower for a quick rinse and finished getting my bag together.  

“Do you have to go?” I turn to look at my love, who is pouting but also has tears in her eyes.  

“Baby,” I sighed as I went back to the bed to hold my girl. “What’s wrong?” 

“What if something happens while you’re gone? What if I lose...” 

“Sweetheart, don’t talk like that. You heard the doctors. Rest and limiting exertion is what’s going to help. Miranda will be here right after her meetings and she’s staying in the guest room. Coach already knows the situation so I can leave at a moment's notice if I need to.” I kiss her head. "Positive thoughts, ok?" 

“I’m gonna miss you.”  

“I’m gonna miss you too, my little queen. I’ll call as much as I can.” I kiss her softly and touch forehead. “Take care of yourself and my baby, ok? I love you.”  

“I love you.”  

Leia 

It's been two days since the boys left on their road trip. Rumor has it that Jeremy was not on the trip due to an injury.  When it was announced, Andy looked sad about it.  I didn’t ask, because it looked like the injury weighed on Andy’s mind.  

I’ve been working on easy stuff at our house. Andy hired a cleaning service so I wouldn’t strain or lift anything. The only thing I had put my foot down was him ordering me food every day. Cooking relaxes me and I didn’t want that to go away. So, I happily cook for Miranda and myself every day.  

Stella had been a little distant lately. She called and mentioned that she broke it off with the guy she had been seeing. She really liked him, and they had been going out for a couple of months. She just needed some time before she showed up here with ice cream and girl time.  

Hopefully, she will show up soon because Miranda has become a party planner monster. What party did you ask? 

Baby Andrews-Barber's baby shower.  

If I look at the guest list, it makes me nauseous. It's wedding sized. As in more than 100 people are being invited. I don’t think my brother knows the extent of her plans because he would have locked this down a while ago. But no, he didn’t. And now all of these people are being invited to his house.  

At least it's not mine.  

Teehee.  

Since Miranda is staying with me, every evening has been taken with party planning and decision making. Everyone knows we are having a girl, but I still don’t want just pink things. I decided on a pink and soft green theme. It's gonna be so cute.  

We were online, making a registry when the doorbell rang. I stood up carefully and went to answer the door.  

“What the fuck are you doing here?” 

A/N: I have a few chapters written (purely for my indulgence) of what happened to Jeremy that got his off the road trip? Anyone interested?

NEXT

Taglist:

@patzammit

@texmexdarling

@slutforchrisjamalevans

@firephotogrl74

@tinkerbelle67

@before-we-get-started

@bunnyforhim

@alexakeyloveloki

@sunnyhummingbee

@whiskeytangofoxtrot555

@peaceinourtime82

@saucy-sassy-sparkly

@kmc1989

@kandis-mom

@lokislady82

[psuedochakra]

the teams

remember when I said I renamed all the 21 (AT THE TIME) NHL teams? well here there are; here you go. Also back in 86, the conferences and divisions all had different names. I did not change the conference/division names, but I will add their modern ones. It's all under the thing. don't worry

also, teams have changed divisions/conferences quite a bit. This probably doesn't reflect current conference/division teams (I know for a fact my Red Wings are eastern conf, atlantic div now instead of western, central). Both Eastern and western used to have three divisions in the late 90s.

The AU team names are all Tomcat squadron names.

For reference "City Fictional Team Name (actual name, modern equivalent if different) - Tomcat Squadron number " this also applies to the conf/divs historical name (modern name)

Prince of Wales (Eastern) Conference

Adams Division (Atlantic)

Boston Tomcatters (Bruins) - VF 31

Buffalo Freelancers (Sabres) - VF 21

Hartford Renegades (Whalers, Carolina Hurricanes) - VF 24

Montreal Swordsmen (Canadiens) - VF 32

Quebec Rippers (Nordiques, Colorado Avalanche) - VF 11

Patrick (Metropolitan)

New Jersey Be-Devilers (Devils) - VF 74

New York Starfighters (Islanders) - VF 33

New York Sluggers (Rangers) - VF 103

Philadelphia Screaming Eagles (Flyers) - VF 201

Pittsburgh Hunters (Penguins) - VF 51

Washington Grim Reapers (Captials) - VF 101

Campbell (Western) Conference

Norris (Central)

Chicago Diamondbacks (Blackhawks) - VF 102

Detroit Black Aces (Red Wings) - VF-41

Minnesota Stallions (North Stars, Dallas Stars) - VF 302

St. Louis Superheats (Blues) - VF 202

Toronto Ghostriders (Maple Leafs) - VF 142

Smythe (Pacific)

Calgary Lions (Flames) - Black Lions - VF 213

Edmonton Gunfighters (Oilers) - VF 124

LA Checkmates (Kings) - VF 211

Vancouver Knights (Canucks) Black Knights - VF 152

Winnipeg Hellcats (Jets) - Satan’s Kittens VF 191

Most squad names were chosen because it sounded cool/good saying it all together. Some (Philly and NJ) were chosen because of the similarities to current pro team names (NJ Devils (NHL) and Philly Eagles (NFL)). Winnipeg, Vancouver, and Calgary I did change slightly from the squad name. Vanc/Calg because I already had a "black" in a team name (Aces). Winnipeg because "satan's kittens" is kind of a mouthful; I just used their squadron call sign "hellcats" instead.

[ao3feed-hockey]

This Boy's Too Young to be Singing the Blues

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/nArXzIy

by motier_boleyn

They have lost. Ruined. Mangled.

While Linus has been healing and trying to shake off what has happened, Jeremy simply cannot. What happened... that loss has ruined him, perhaps for eternity. They were so close and yet it all fumbled.

Words: 1934, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Men's Hockey RPF

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Jeremy Swayman, Linus Ullmark, Patrice Bergeron, Brad Marchand, Brandon Carlo, Nick Foligno, Jake DeBrusk, Jim Montgomery, Boston Bruins NHL Team Ensemble, Bob the dog

Relationships: Jeremy Swayman/Linus Ullmark, Patrice Bergeron/Brad Marchand

Additional Tags: wrote to cope, Depression, Trauma, Team as Family, kinda of, Mental Breakdown, Mental Institutions, its a psych ward but i guess that isnt a tag, Healing, patrice and nick are such dads, Anxiety Attacks, gonna be a long one, Buckle up, literary fiction like...

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/nArXzIy

[chronocidalrage]

February Has Been a Motherfucker

ATOM We both lived with the fear that we were happiest when we were kids together.

I guess I need to remember that they’re not the only good things in my life. The best things in my life can be whatever I want them to be. It’s not already written. No fate but what we make.

WE WENT TO THE BEAN POT 2/6/23 My connection with the Donahues is honestly really good. I have a lot of fun with them. I do feel loved and supported by them.  

Storytelling is a thing people love, and sports and reality TV are just a different form of storytelling. People down on the ice are having the biggest moment of their lives possibly, and we get to watch it happen for real. That’s pretty cool. I guess get more into the “story” of non-fictional things?

Wonder if I can get connected to the people who film stuff for the Bruins or whatever? The videos are cool and I bet a lot of the skills that go into capturing a game would translate to capturing action.

It’s cool that Susie and her family are real Boston people. Not people from Brighton, not people from Cambridge, actual people who grew up and were shaped by Boston. It's cool that I managed to get into that crowd. Good for me.

THRIVE I need to thrive, not just survive. I want food because it’s familiar goodness. That’s surviving. Just enough good to keep you going. You can also thrive. Have a bigger appetite.

I just want reliable and familiar goodness. But I also want more, and in order to find other good things you have to kinda turn away from familiar good things.

Thrive. Want more.

FAMILY Susie was looking at a list of different kinds of dysfunctional families. Mine is an "emotionally distant" family that looks like a substance abuse family from afar.

Susie’s is a substance abuse family that acts like a conflict driven family (because that's what they were all raised in - conflict).

I want my family to acknowledge how hard it was for me to try to save Atom by myself. And I want them to admit that they maybe should’ve listened to me.

2/9/23 Joe Wakeham is dead. Jesus. I guess he was just miserable. Changes perspective on some of his weird behavior.

So weird to think back to all the little things. I think I actually always really liked Joe, I just didn’t trust him. Like I thought he was laughing behind my back. Now I know he probably wasn’t laughing at all.

It sucks that now I’m realizing how much I’ve always liked Joe, I just haven’t trusted him since I was a kid. But I always really liked him. I thought he was so cool and sarcastic and funny. Loved coming up with offensive sitcom ideas with him. Still remember seeing him at that Green Day show in Worcester in High School. Still remember the first time he had talked to me in years when I was in line at the theater in Leominster. Jesus.

I didn’t text him after Bob. I didn’t because he didn’t text me after Atom. I was wrong. He did. And it was really nice. Dammit.

I guess I’ve never really seen something horrible happen to someone who has actually hurt me. It changes your perspective on things. On the hurt. On yourself. It recontextualizes things.

Family isn’t necessarily your favorite people. They’re the people you’ve gotten used to being a regular part of your life and you’d be upset if they weren’t.

KENDRICK Told Susie about our first night at Kendrick. How happy I was. She really thought it was sweet. I think she said it was "the sweetest thing anyone has ever said about her" or something like that. Nice.

FEARLESS Atom was fearless about loving things and people. It was amazing. And dangerous. He wanted to pass that fearlessness onto me but with better controls.

You were always trying to teach me a lesson. Everything was a learning opportunity in some way. Gossip even. That’s what you’d try to teach me now.

In some ways, that’s what I mess the most: guidance.

You’d remind me that things aren’t always (or often) the incredibly insulting version of events that I always imagine. Sometimes I’d even be flattered. And other people are often struggling just as much or even more than you.

Atom was kind of a philosopher. We used to “life brainstorm” together, especially at night. Talking about our days before bed. I think that’s kinda what the journaling is trying to recreate.

I just remembered seeing Fast 5 with Atom and how excited we both were about it being good. I remember seeing part 6 and being like “oh fuck” about Statham being the brother and the change that he had killed Han (even though I believe I already knew it was happening, I just can’t remember how I found out at the time). I forget how exciting that was and how we were talking about it and shit. We talked about specific action beats and shit. Fuck I forgot how exciting that was. I miss talking to Atom about this shit so bad. I remember us seeing F7 as soon as possible haha. We were so excited. The Rock. Jason Statham. James Wan. We were pumped.

DREAMERS Addicts are dreamers. People who yearn for something out of their reach, so they fill the hole with whatever works. The bigger the dream, the bigger the hole.

People who aren’t dreamers could never fully understand.

Something to remember is that I survived losing Atom tragically. And I did so mostly by myself. Without guidance. Remember that when you’re afraid.

That’s what you’d tell me. That if I can handle that, I can handle anything. Because you wouldn't think you could handle it. And you wouldn’t doubt how much I love you, you’d just see it as me being capable of anything.

That’s what you had been trying to tell me. That I’ll be fine. To not worry about you. It wasn’t my fault you were suffering and I should keep going.

I’ll always wanna see you one more time. It’ll never be enough.

SOMEONE I KNOW COMMITTED SUICIDE I feel weird. Dark but okay. In a way I think it’s made me glad I didn’t kill myself years ago. It makes me realize my life can still get better, unlike this other person.

But also the casual reaction from mom (and kinda Scott) makes me feel like they’d barely care if I HAD done it.

INADEQUATE Why do I think that? What do I think I’m missing?

My worth is due to how people have treated me. What’s the source of the ability problems?

I used to think I must not deserve to be treated better. Now I realize people just weren’t meeting my standards.

I used to think I almost always fail. Now I know I just tend to give up after the first try. I hit an initial "no" and I stop. Like rolling dice. I take the initial reaction as success or failure. I’m too busy rolling dice to just live.

I live like a character in a Roleplaying Game. I take failure as a sign of my limits. I assume I can’t just go auto, I have to make active decisions.

I just assume my character sheet is generally bad at this point. I forget I can gain experience points and get better.

I don’t really think I can try something more than once. I start seeing it as “I’m going to fail that” when I should really see it as “I’m probably gonna wanna give up on that if there’s any resistance at all.”

I can’t tell the difference between learning pains and regular pains. I see some pain as a sign that I’m not supposed to be doing whatever it is. I can’t tell the difference.

A better way to view it is that I’m being lazy, not that I’m incapable. I hate seeing myself as lazy but maybe it’s time I accepted that about myself? I’m lazy because I never got used to trying multiple times. I just always gave up after the effort because I didn’t like the resistance. For whatever reason. But this created a complex where I have almost no experience powering through something. So I assume I’m not able to. Accept that I’m lazy in that I never developed the ability to persevere in the everyday sense.

I link the things I don’t want to do with my perceived inability to do them.

But why does that get worse when I’m stressed? So today I felt like I was presented with multiple things I’m bad at: giving Ruby meds, putting the cone on her, keeping her from licking her foot, possibly having to get over her if something bad happened. All things I don’t think I could do on the first try, so therefore things I’m not capable of but have to do anyway. So I just have to have my limitations rubbed in my face.

So when I’m feeling like a failure, I want to avoid taking any other chances. I don’t want to do anything else that could add to my feeling of failure. So I want familiar things. Things that are a slam dunk. But in a way, those things make me feel like a failure too because I’m like “this is really all I’m good at?” So I can feel super lost when I feel challenged.

SECOND TIME I need to accept that it’s normal to have to try a few times. No one is perfect on the first try. No one is great right away about everything all the time. Just because something doesn’t come naturally doesn’t mean you can’t end up good at it.

I can keep trying.

I guess I suffer because I think not being good right away is shameful or something.

RUBY I need her to be alive and around. We can be in separate places but she needs to be alive.

STRUGGLE I assume failure, unless I can borderline guarantee success. I guess I need to get comfortable with having to make 2nd, 3rd, infinite tries. Think about the singing thing. I’ve been seeing noticeable improvement and I’ve just been trying and trying. I didn’t even really think I was improving and then BOOM: some things are just way better. Practice does make a difference, I just have trouble seeing that. Same with editing and writing the podcast. It really IS a lot easier for me now.

So STOP assuming failure! Even if your first try doesn’t succeed, it doesn’t mean a subsequent try won’t work.

I’m also realizing that I built my “post-breakdown” self-esteem on Ruby effectively. I matter because I have Ruby and I take care of her. I also believe that Susie keeps me around because I take care of Ruby for her (most of the time). And the idea of something happening to Ruby makes me feel completely lost. Who am I without Ruby, and why would Susie keep me around after that?

It’s good that I see this now, because I need to work on that. I’m better than that. I’m more than that.

WORK ON Testing my limits. Trying again. And again. Being okay with initial failure.

Believing that Susie really loves me and wants to keep me and I’m not in some situation where I could lose her easily by fucking up.

Need to remember that Susie is just a deeply critical person due to her experiences and the defense mechanisms she's developed in response to those experiences. I doubt anyone else would hold up as well to scrutiny as I have, in reality.

SELF LIMITS I think when things are bad or stressful, I believe I’m capable of less so I avoid challenging things and favor simple joys.

I should start ignoring my perceived abilities and just look at it like this: do I WANT to do it? SHOULD I do it? Do I NEED to do it? And generally how I spend my time should be things that are at least 2/3 of those? Maybe I only get one "I WANT to do this but I don’t need to and I shouldn’t do it" thing per day?

MISS I really miss Atom. I’m worried my life is getting consistently worse.

If I end up eating myself to death because I’m sad, I wouldn’t want people to only remember and talk about how much I liked pizza. 

I just hate thinking back to these times when I had more.

BETTER I have to WANT to wake up and exercise. And draw. And make stuff. I have to let myself want these things. The problem is that I’m afraid and I think I can only want the stuff I know I can do.

WORRIED I’m worried that I’m starting to pull away. From everyone.

I can feel myself hardening. And I don’t like it. It’s the opposite of what I want in many ways and the last thing Atom wanted for me.

Maybe I really do have trouble accepting that people can love me and be there for me and still disappoint me sometimes. It’s just hard for me to accept that, since my first concept of real love was Atom and we worked hard to never disappoint each other.

FAITH I think I’m at an all time low for faith in other people. That’s one of the biggest problems I’m having right now.

No faith. Hilarious that that would be my problem.

That’s why religion works out for people. Because the more often you put yourself out there and believe in a greater plan, the more successes you’ll statistically have.

What would my week look like if I could help it? What would I be doing?

It’s not that all I want to do is walk Ruby, eat Breakfast, maintain my life and sanity, watch shit if I can, get high, watch TV and eat Copeland with Susie. It’s that that’s what I feel SAFE doing. It feels good and safe and I don’t want to break it.

Sad.

You have a better life by being brave and having faith in yourself and others.

Live more bravely. Happier.

I struggle with non-religious faith. Life has gotten more and more disappointing, including myself. And I don’t want to get excited because I don’t want to be disappointed.

Atom didn’t believe in himself either. He believed in me. I gave him faith. He had faith in me and I made him so happy. Look how amazing he was and all he accomplished while not believing in himself!

I guess I wouldn’t care as much about Susie asking me to do things if I believed I could accomplish them to a satisfactory level. I worry endlessly that I can’t.

I worry about meetings and reactions. I always assume everything will go poorly. I rely on the two things that never seem to go poorly: movies and junk food.

I think what I’m often asking Susie for is consistency. Because I need consistency to have faith (which isn't really faith at all, if you think about it).

I’m passive because I think “this is gonna go poorly so I’m gonna do as little as possible to save my energy and avoid making things worse.”

I second guess my every decision because I don’t think I can believe in myself.

RUBY (AND MORE FAITH) Found out I did a great job treating her foot and watching over her. Proud of myself. I was so scared. It’s been so hard and I’ve been so stressed over the last week (NOTE: she cut her paw somehow). I don’t see myself as capable of taking care of someone. I assume I’ll fail. Because I can barely take care of myself, I don’t want to ask a lot of myself. I couldn’t take care of Flash. Or dad. Or Atom. No faith in my ability to succeed or take care of others.

I think I want my every moment to be one that I’d be okay dying during. Because of my fear of death and my assumption of the negative, I live like I could always die. Both because of my desire to "live" more but also to avoid wasting energy on something if I’m just gonna die tomorrow.

My negativity isn’t wanted. I want positivity. But it’s been implanted in my mind that things are gonna go bad. The end of everything is going to be bad in my mind.

So I kinda wait for the things I want to happen. I try to stay open to them so I can nab them. I don’t actively pursue. I put my foot out and see what bites. I can actively pursue things if I want. If I want to start having more fun with Susie, I can have more fun with Susie. I don’t have to wait for the opportunity to present itself.

I’m probably Ruby’s favorite thing on earth. She always wants to be near me. She comes to me for things she needs. I’m the thing most associated with good in her life. I probably make her happier than anything. That's awesome.

FOOD I eat like it’s going to be my last meal. If I die in my sleep, I want my last meal to be good, not some boring healthy thing lol.

ATOM The other day I was able to feel how much Atom must have loved seeing me grow and achieve things. How happy he was to see me find my way. I’m glad I was able to give that to him.

I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad. Being someone’s significant person is probably the best you can do. When I think back to my life I tend to think of things in three chapters:

My life with Atom before Susie

My life with Atom and Susie

My life with Susie after losing Atom.

Those are the chapters of my life and everything else is a sub chapter. So many things seem so silly now.

The people are the events in your life. You’re their story. Someone’s life is just stories about their favorite people, and how they were affected by them. If you get to be someone’s chapter, you’ve done a great fucking job. You made part of their life. I got to be Atom’s main chapter.

It’s not right, because you deserved so much better man. So much. So fucking much. You more than anyone. You should be the happiest person on earth right now. It’s completely wrong and it’s so hard to have any faith at all when (in my opinion), one of the worst things that could ever happen, has happened.

Get back to living like you’ll have future options and lots of time to do cool stuff. Live like you can eat shit next week. I don’t succeed because I live as if I could die at any second. I should live as if I know I’m gonna die someday. There’s a difference.

I legitimately don’t want to eat healthy food in case it’s the last thing I eat. I don’t want to get rejected because I’m like “what if this is the last thing I feel?” I just have such a negative outlook it’s so hard to imagine things in the long term.

I think a lot of what bothers me about Susie is lack of predictability. I want consistency so that I can justify a positive outlook. That’s not always fair to her.

I just see everything as awful unless I’ve been convinced it’s good or harmless.

2/23/23 Took it easy today. Watched Darren Aronofsky movies with Susie (Black Swan and the Fountain). Both good. Both kinda depressing.

I’ve realized I don’t eat to eat. I eat for pleasure. If what I’m eating doesn’t make me feel “good,” I’d almost rather not eat at all. Interesting.

It’s so hard to be positive sometimes. Things can be so fucking hard.

I really find things to be so negative. I believe almost nothing is good. That’s why I don’t have celebrity crushes, because I assume everyone is awful in the end.

I need to work on this. Only Susie, Ruby, and junk food are truly good to me. That’s bad. I can’t live like that.

It’s weird thinking back. I forget that I drank and partied for like 4 years before I ended up with Susie. I was a full fledged part of that lifestyle for years. I saw the cracks. I didn’t just abandon Atom. I saw the dangers of the world, I knew it was sinking. I tried to get him to get into the boat too and he wouldn’t. I tried to pull him away from it. I warned him.

[lorrainestea]

@misfit-among-the-angels tagged me, thank you <33

Fave color: Purple, white, orange, red, black

Currently reading: Depends if fanfics count, but I’m rereading my old fic

Last song: It’s my life - Bon Jovi

Sweet/spicy/savory: Sweet

Favorite alcoholic drink: I’m not into alcohol very much

Currently working on: Planning a birthday party with my friend

Traditional or modern: Traditional

Fave writer: Kerstin Gier

Fave dessert: Waffles

Fave raper: Not a rap fan

Fave hockey/soccer/tennis player: Pretty much anyone from Boston Bruins, but because I’m a Czech, I’ll go with David Pastrňák

Color of my bedroom: White but I wish it was orange

Fave politician: Satine Cryze. Yes she’s fictional character but the question didn’t say it has to be a real person

Loyalty or lust: Loyalty

Pizza or pasta: Pizza

Vegan/Veggie: None

Fave time period: Afternoons

Love or hate: Love

Last series watched: Wednesday

Classical or rock: Rock

Fairy or dragon: To be - fairy, to have - dragon

GoT or LOTR: Middle Earth is my second home

@wcndaharkness @spaceclairvoyant @old-wild-child @kembleford1953 feel free to post or refuse <3