#born to scream FUCK forced to say lol.... many such cases

[homolobotomized]

#LETMIKASAYFUCK2024

[yikesharringrove]

Hi!! I was just curious about Nancy and Jonathan’s relationship in your mango series! I was wondering if Nancy was an alpha? If she is, does that mean that Jonathan is a Beta or an Omega? Kids??? I have so many questions and am way too invested in this tiny part of this universe lol Please feel free to make this into a part with Steve and Billy talking to them about pups and bonding if you would like.

Masterlist

Part 29

-

I realized I literally haven’t mentioned the Wheelers this entire time rip to them I guess

Also I’m using this part as background to everything esp how Billy and Steve got together. Also no monster au I guess? tbh this part just made me realize NONE of this series is thought out

I literally never established a timeline, so I’ve decided it makes more sense for Billy to come to Hawkins earlier. You’ll see lmao. (this started as a little nonsense thing so the timeline of the whole Mango series is so whack pls no one try and do the math)

+I had traumatic emergency surgery on my uterus several years ago, so I’ve based all of Steve’s stuff on that

-

Steve dated Nancy Wheeler for about a month.

He was always drawn to fiery alphas, liked when they had sharp tongues, weren’t afraid to speak their mind. He liked ‘em smart.

Nancy seemed perfect to him, but Nancy didn’t like how much work omegas were. They needed constant reassurance of love, so much touching and cuddling, and that’s just not how she operates.

They had been casually dating for about a month early in her sophomore year when he asked her to spend his heat with him. She knew that meant he was serious about her, and let him down as gently as she could.

He didn’t take it too hard, and even invited her to a party he was throwing at his big empty house.

That was the first night she really talked to Jonathan Byers.

Their families had always been close, and they had been uncomfortable acquaintances for a long time, but she found him making a pip out of an apple, sat in the kitchen with him and got stoned for the very first time.

They were sitting close to one another, leaning closer, about to kiss when there was a splash outside, there was screaming.

They rushed out to see Steve Harrington, wet and shaking in the cold November night air, doing CPR on, on Barb.

He yelled at Tommy H., told him to call an ambulance.

Barb looked bad. Her lips were tinged blue, her skin pale.

She sank down next to her. Jonathan gently touching her back.

Most of the kids ran when they heard authorities were coming.

She held Barb’s freezing hand until the paramedics arrived.

Steve hadn’t stopped doing CPR the entire time had heard Barb’s ribs crack and splinter from the force.

The paramedics called it.

Steve was never really the same after that. He had become more withdrawn, had quit the swim team and stopped throwing big parties, he started babysitting Dustin Henderson, ended up babysitting most of the party soon enough.

He was still nice to Nancy, would ask her and Jonathan to hang out sometimes. She always thought he was sweet that he was a big heart. Hell, she sat there while he did CPR on her best friend for twenty minutes, but it was easier with Jon. As a beta, she didn’t have to be someone she wasn’t just to keep him from emotional breakdown.

But then Billy Hargrove rolled into town in the beginning of the summer, was all California golden, a big imposing alpha, and she began seeing less and less of Steve.

She thought it was just a summer fling, Billy didn’t seem like the type to stick around for very long, didn’t seem like the monogamous type.

Steve had a bad habit of trusting alphas too quickly, had been with alphas that just wanted to be able to say they’d fucked a male omega.

They were so uncommon, and usually these alphas were just curious, knew male omegas were the only presentation identifiable at birth due to their genitals, had wanted to see for themselves.

But Billy stuck around, starting hanging around Steve wherever he was, joining him when he spent time with the party, or with Jonathan and Nancy.

Billy was starting to grow on her more, as she watched and realized he loved Steve, that he wanted to be as clingy as Steve needed.

They would go on double dates sometimes, and Billy would pull Steve to sit on his lap just as often as Steve would plop himself on Billy’s lap. So she guesses they’re kind of a match made in heaven.

And then Steve got pregnant.

And she expected Billy to run for the hills, but he didn’t. Got kicked out of his house for Steve, changed his whole world for Steve and their pup, and at this point, they were four years in, had two happy pups and we in the process of moving into their first house.

She and Jon hadn’t even talked marriage yet, let alone bonding, were focusing on getting through school.

They had both gone to New York without even consulting one another, decided they didn’t want each other’s college choices to affect the other, that they should pick the best school for themselves.

When they revealed to one another, Jon showed her his acceptance to NYU, his dream school, while Nancy had handed him her Columbia letter.

She got regular updates from Steve, letters stuffed full with photographs and weekly reports. She contacted a bakery local to him to send him a cake when he called and excitedly told her that he had finally gotten his GED, had dropped out of high school in the February of his senior year when he got kicked out of his house, when he was the talk of the whole damn town.

“Letter from Steve.” Jonathan placed the rest of the mail on the counter, ripping open the envelope. “He put in updated pictures of the girls, look.” Nancy cooed over the photos. There was a gorgeous one of all four of them at the beach, Steve had infant Zara strapped to his chest, Billy was holding Mina. It was so cute. “He said they finished painting the house and should be moving in this week.”

“He mention how he was doing?”

“Of course not, have you met him? The only reason we actually knew he almost fucking died was because Billy called us.”

“I guess you’re right.” She was still flipping through photos. “Oh look at this one!” It was Steve caught mid laugh while Mina was doing him hair behind him. “We should go out to California soon to see them. Especially once they’re in their house.

“I’m gonna write Steve back, maybe we could go for New Year’s, or something.” She smiled up at him, stretching on her toes to kiss his jaw.

“I think that sounds nice.”

-

Mina was currently in the process of showing Jonathan every single toy she owned.

His lap was full of plastic food, blocks, dolls, stuffed animals, books, everything. She was talking excitedly about her little toy Camaro, the one that looked just like Daddy’s!

Nancy was just laughing as Jonathan nodded along patiently. He talked to her like she was an adult, asking her details about each toy in a very serious voice.

Steve slowly set himself on the couch. His abdomen still sore from surgery a few months ago. He was holding Zara, all dressed up in a little onesie that looked hand-knitted.

“How are you doing?” Steve rolled his eyes. Jon and Nancy kept asking.

“Nance, I’m fine. Just sore is all.” He kept dodging her real questions. She knew that the doctor had told Steve there was a chance he wouldn’t be able to be pregnant again, knew it was probably weighing on him. She just looked back and Jon.

“How is Mina doing with Zara? I remember when Mike was born I wanted nothing to do with him.” Steve laughed, bouncing Zara a little.

“She loves her. I swear if she could get me and Billy outta the picture, she would rather raise Zara on her own.” Zara gave a little choked off wail. “Sweet Pea, you are fine.” He put her on his chest, patting her back. “How’s school and everything?”

“It’s good! Jon’s going to end up graduating a semester early, so he’ll be finished by this time next year.”

“Oh, wow. Good for him!”

“I hear you left work, how’s that going?” Steve shrugged.

“They could only offer me one month of leave, and with the surgery and everything, I needed much longer. But you know I don’t mind staying home with these two. I mean, Mina’s in full day preschool now, just Monday to Thursday, but Zara is pretty fussy, so it’s okay. Once she’s not breastfeeding anymore, I’ll probably find a new job.”

“And Billy’s school is going okay?”

“Oh you know him, just overachieving at every stage. He had to cut back on his hours at the garage, he got a really nice internship at a law firm in town, and he’s actually getting paid for it.” Billy had been studying pre-law at UCSD, wanted to go into some kind of prosecution, possibly specialize in domestic cases. His internship was more personal assistant work to one of the partners of the firm, but it was better money than the garage, and something to beef up his resume a bit more.

Steve could hear the garage door beginning to rumble and whine as it slid up.

“Speak of the devil.” He smiled at Billy as he came in, kicking off his shoes. Mina sprinted up to him, wrapping her arms around his waist, standing on his feet as he walked over to everyone.

“You talkin’ ‘bout me, Pretty Boy?” He picked up Mina so he could perch on the armrest next to Steve, giving him a kiss.

“All good things. Kind of.”  Nancy doesn’t think she’s ever seen Billy Hargrove in a suit. He loosened his tie, had take off his jacket to place into the coats closet, was currently rolling up his crisp sleeves. She could see edges of a few tattoos. She knew he and Steve had each gotten each others initials on their shoulder blades, adding the pups initials underneath them both. Apparently Billy was beginning to work on sleeves. “How was work?”

“Eh. Same old.” He shrugged, putting Mina down to go back to “playing” with Jonathan. He lifted Zara from Steve. “How are you doin’, Nancy? How’s the Big Apple?”

She waved a hand non-noncommittally. “Oh, it’s good. Jon’s working for some underground paper, shooting for punk shows.” Billy grinned.

“Well done, Byers. I’m sure your kid brother’s plenty jealous.” Jonathan laughed.

“He’s come up for a few of the shows he’s really wanted to see. Which is to say most of them.” The timer went off from the kitchen. Steve went to stand, only to have Billy push him back down, handing Zara back to him.

“Sit tight, Pretty Boy. I got it.” Steve rolled his eyes, but smiled softly at Billy all the same.

“He was a nightmare when we were moving in, wouldn’t let me lift anything over ten pounds.”

-

After dinner, Steve and Billy tag teamed putting the girls to bed.

It was kind of amazing to watch. Billy got Mina dressed for bed as Steve fed Zara, then they swapped, Steve made sure Mina brushed her teeth while Billy changed Zara, swapping again so that Billy could read a book to Mina and Steve rocked Zara to sleep.

They were so practiced and efficient, both girls were asleep with half an hour.

“You get a lot of practice with the bedtime thing. I mean, it’s every night.” They were sitting on the back porch, on patio furniture that had apparently been a gift from Claudia Henderson.

It was a perfect night, the Southern California air was just chilly enough to warrant a sweater, but perfect for just being in.

“There’s a park a few blocks that way that’s doing fireworks, we should be able to see them from here.” Steve had poured them each some champagne. Steve and Billy were sitting one the chairs across the little coffee table between them.

They chattered through as the clock ticked down, getting closer and closer to 1989.

Ten seconds to midnight, Billy helped Steve stand up. Five seconds to midnight, Jonathan was digging in his pocket.

The fireworks began as Steve pressed his lips to Billy’s. Nancy turned to do the same, choking on a gasp as she saw Jon down on one knee. Steve shrieked, scrambling for a camera.

“I wanted this to be the first thing I did this year.” Billy was grinning like an idiot, Steve was taking picture after picture, his big eyes full of tears. “I know you want to establish our lives before bonding or having pups, and that’s okay, we can just be engaged for a couple years, whatever you want.” Nancy had one hand in front of her mouth, tears dripping down her cheeks. “Whatdya say?”

“Oh my god, absolutely yes!” Billy and Steve cheered as Jon stood up, kissing Nancy before sliding the ring on her finger.

[wickymicky]

wickymicky’s Top Ten Kpop Songs of 2020

4: Everglow - La Di Da

Retro concepts are hit or miss with me. I don’t have nostalgia for 80s music, for instance, because I was born in 1996 lol. And yet, as soon as the instrumental in this song got going and those synth hits came in right after the first line, I knew I was gonna love this. This song isn’t just a retro concept… its genre isn’t just “80s throwback”... it’s a genre called synthwave or neo retro wave or other names like that. It’s a relatively recent genre that, yes, is obviously based on 80s nostalgia, but is a new thing all its own. It’s based on the sound of action movies and science fiction movies from the 80s, but if you really look at stuff from that era, there wasn’t anything that quite sounds the same as synthwave from the 2010s. It has a lot in common with vaporwave in this way. Vaporwave is clearly retro inspired, but there wasn’t anything like vaporwave back then, lol. It’s a modern reimagining of retro aesthetics.

So like, as soon as it got going, as soon as I saw the visual aesthetic, I knew exactly what was happening and I was 100% on board. As far as I know, there weren’t any other kpop songs in this style, though Twice dabbled with some synthwave aesthetics and sounds for I Can’t Stop Me which came out around a month after this song (and that’s almost certainly a coincidence, I’m sure JYP picks these songs wayyyy in advance and it was probably chosen even before La Di Da came out), but La Di Da commits to this aesthetic and genre way harder than that song does. The thing that struck me the most on the day La Di Da came out, and still makes me lose my mind when I listen to the song now, is how authentic it is. Synthwave has had some mainstream acceptance and some songs in this vein have been released by some big artists recently I think, but for the most part it’s been kind of a niche underground genre. I first discovered it by stumbling on hour-long youtube videos that were “compilations” or “mixes” of various synthwave/retrowave songs or soundscapes found on soundcloud and sites like that. This song is a pretty hard commitment to a style of music that really does come just from the internet, and I think it’s amazing that the songwriters paid tribute to it in such a prominent way.

With that out of the way, let me talk about the song itself lol. Fuck, what a good chorus. I do have my complaints with it, but they’re relatively minor. First of all, though the line distribution in this song is marginally better than their previous title track, the chorus is still sung the exact same way all three times it plays in the song. Sihyeon begins it, Mia sings the second part, and that’s it. They’re great at it, but I would have appreciated a little more variety, at least for the second chorus, to break things up in the middle of the song. Also, I just think the word “haters” is pretty silly, there’s no way to say “I don’t care about haters” without sounding like you do really care about the haters. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be saying it lol. Anytime anyone’s like “Got no time for haters” I’m just like “wow the haters must really get to you, huh?” But anyway, they didn’t write that line, they’re just singing it, it’s not a huge deal lol, it’s fine. The chorus is undeniably really really good, it’s so good that I got over my eye-roll about the “got no time for haters” line pretty fast and I sing along with it every single time now haha. Damn, it’s so catchy. With so many choruses in kpop songs being drops lately, having a chorus sung this powerfully and prominently is like a religious experience lol, it’s fantastic. I love the verses too, I think they flow really well and really complement the synthwave aesthetic well, something about it all coming together just *works* for me. All the little synth additions throughout the song are so authentic too, it just makes me so happy. That synth solo right after the second chorus is perfect.

This song kind of snuck up on me. I like Everglow, I’ve been into them since their debut. I liked Adios, but I wasn’t as happy with the direction it went in. Dun Dun was pretty similar to Adios, and although I like it better than Adios, I still wished that they would do something like Bon Bon Chocolat again, and I could feel myself losing interest in the group as they went more and more down a road that didn’t excite me as much. Their style of girl crush in those two songs is cool, but isn’t something I come back to over and over. It’s a little too… idk… beefy, lol. Too ostentatious. Too built around the drop and saying cool lines as if they’re just catchphrases, and not as much around just being a catchy song that I find new reasons to love every time I listen. By the 10th listen, I pretty much got all of what those two songs had to offer. I do like them, and I listened to them both a lot when they each came out, but they haven’t stayed with me the way you hope a song does. 

So when La Di Da was announced, I didn’t expect much. I expected another song that I would listen to on repeat for a week or so and then move on to something else. And tbh, I was fine with that. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s like candy or junk food lol. Not everything has to be monumental and become my favorite song instantly, some things can just be something fun to listen to for a little bit. There’s value in that. And I mean, a song that is junk food to me, that I listen to for a bit and then move on, could be someone else’s favorite stuff, and the stuff that is junk food to them might be my favorite stuff, so I’m not saying that Adios and Dun Dun are objectively uninteresting, I’m being very subjective with this lol. Just speaking for myself here. In any case, yeah, I didn’t have a ton of expectations for La Di Da. 

So like, when it came out and I listened to it for the first time, I was absolutely floored. Nobody told me it was gonna be that good lol, I was not prepared at all. Cignature, Fromis 9, and CLC also released comebacks in September, and I had high hopes for all those. I thought for sure that the Cignature or Fromis 9 comeback would be my favorite song of the month, but I ended up listening to La Di Da like twice as many times as any of those other ones haha. I wasn’t even intending to! I wasn’t streaming it and forcing myself to listen to it over and over! I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t think it would be in my top 10 either, because Everglow, while being a group that I like, aren’t one of my ult groups or anything like that. But I can’t deny it. This song is so damn good lol. Here it is, at 4th place. Incredible. Completely reinvigorated my hype for Everglow too. Can’t wait to see what they do next, and I hope Yiren and Sihyeon get well soon

links to the rest of the list: 10 - Fiesta (Izone) 9 - Crossroads (GFriend) 8 - Assa (Cignature) 7 - Boca (Dreamcatcher) 6 - Kick It (NCT 127) 5 - Cool (Weki Meki) 4 - La Di Da (Everglow) 3 - Mago (GFriend) 2 - Tag Me (Weeekly) 1 - Scream (Dreamcatcher)

[theculturedmarxist]

race is a social phenomenon. it's "fake" in the same way religions and laws and alphabets and color spectrum classification systems are "fake". we live in a society with races. neither of us can change this and nonsensically denying it does the exact opposite of help.

imagine telling people who live under caste systems that if they bring up how badly lower castes are treated, they're the real problem because castes aren't real. and then just screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP CLASSIST" when they try to tell you why you're not helping lol

All racists are fucking morons.

Shithead, stupid fucking asshole, rancid jizzstain, the answer to caste oppression isn’t to just say “we live in a society with castes. neither of us can change this and nonsensically denying it does the opposite of help.” The answer is to fucking abolish castes, you worthless tool.

And this isn’t a “white people” thing, you shit. Abolishing caste has been a platform of Communist Indians since their inception. Fucking kill yourself.

The 1930 Platform of Action written by leaders of the Communist Party of India (CPI) says: “The CP of India fights for the complete abolition of slavery, the caste system and the caste inequality in all its forms (social, cultural, etc.). The CP of India fights for the complete and absolute equality of the working pariahs and all the toilers of our country.” What is the significance of this statement?

The significance of this first policy statement of the Communist Party in 1930 has three aspects. The first is the commitment to the abolition of the caste system as a whole and all the inequalities resulting from it. In 1916 the young B. R. Ambedkar as a student in Columbia University had written of “persistent attempts to do away with caste” which he had described “as an unnatural institution.” After the great social reformers of the nineteenth century like Jyotiba Phule and others who fought the caste system followed by Dr. Babasaheb Ambedkar, among the political parties, it was the Communist Party which was the first political party to give the call for a struggle for the elimination of the caste system itself. In this context the 1930 document criticizes the Gandhian approach for the “reform” of the caste system while retaining its basic framework.

The second aspect of the document is that it linked the struggle against the caste system with the national struggle against the British colonial Raj and feudalism. It said, “As a result of the rule of British imperialism in our country there are still in existence millions of slaves and tens of millions of socially outcast working pariahs, who are deprived of all rights. British rule, the system of landlordism, the reactionary caste system, religious deceptions and all the slave and serf conditions of the past throttle the Indian people and stand in the way of its emancipation. They have led to the result that in India, in the twentieth century, there are still pariahs who have no right to meet with all their fellow men, drink from common wells, study in common schools, etc.” There may have been illusions or hope among some of the those fighting the caste system that the British, unlike the national leadership, had no stakes in maintaining the caste system and were therefore the best bet to initiate reforms. In fact, the British were able to use caste, just as they did with the promotion of religious identities of Hindu and Muslim, for their strategy of divide and rule. This is because of the class reality that the bulwark of support for the British rulers were the feudal forces, the landlords, the Rajas and Maharajahs who had the highest stakes in retaining and strengthening the caste system as it allowed them access to the cheap labor of the “untouchables” and the maintenance of “serf and slave conditions.” Thus, the fight against the colonial regime was linked to the fight against feudalism and the entrenched caste system. The Communist Party of India’s 1930 Plan of Action stated, “Only the ruthless abolition of the caste system in its reformed, Gandhist variety, only the agrarian revolution and the violent overthrow of British rule, will lead to the complete social, economic, cultural and legal emancipation of the working pariahs and slaves.”

The third aspect is that the fledgling Communist Party, despite huge repression by the British, its leaders jailed in the Meerut Conspiracy Case (1929-1933) and charged in one “conspiracy” case after another, joined and in many cases led struggles against untouchability, forced segregation and against anti-Dalit practices in the decade of the thirties, after the 1930 Plan was adopted. Therefore, it was not just an ideological position regarding the essential aspect of fighting the caste system but also the role of communists in the actual struggle.

Total shithead that you are, it might at least be somewhat understandable if you gained from this system, but you are saying that slaves should accept their shackles because they were born in them, you fucking waste of human life.

[kilibaggins]

so I loved your last post with parents Murphamy but how about mpreg Murphamy

Somebody request a Fic of these Headcanons so I don't feel bad writing something that not a Request 😂😂

OOOOO OKAY OKAY

I was hoping someone would ask this 😂😂

THE ENDING IS SUPER CHEESY WOW

Okay so, I'm not really used to Mpreg so I googled some stuff and like... Imma do the whole "Another Hole Opens When Pregnant" thing... Lol

Mentions of Abortion Consideration and Almost going through with it. Spoiler Alert: No actual Abortion.

The way it is written is not meant to shame or belittle anybody's choice. It is simply to show what he could choose to do, and what he Personally does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy is the one who gets Pregnant

Hes like "the fuck" cux hes never heard of this happening before

According to Abby it's a very rare case that happens with some people who are born on the Ark.

So he was born with the ability to do this

They didn't know

He gets prego.

And wow Murphy is TERRIFIED

He doesn't want to tell Bellamy because well... He's just scared

He doesn't really have a logical reason to being scared he just is.

Abby convinces him that its better to talk about it now than actually wait until his stomach starts growing.

She also brings up Abortion as an option.

Murphy is actually surprised that Abby would suggest it, without Bellamy knowing first, it's like she wouldn't have cared id Bellamy had a day or not.

Which I guess Murphy technically decides Bellamy's input doesn't matter that much, considering he takes the pills Abby gives him, then throws them up immediately after.

He realizes he personally couldn't do that to his future child.

He sees this as a fresh start.

A chance to do what his mother didn't do; care.

Murphy has no clue what he was thinking when he ended up in front of Bellamy's tent with the empty Pill packets In hand.

He has no clue what he's doing when he opens the tent flap and walks in.

Bellamy is sitting that the small desk they moved in there for the many

Murphy gulps and takes a drop breath and Bellamy is scared immediately.

He looks at Murphy hand and sees the packets and his stomach drops.

"Wh- What's that Murph?"

"I didn't go through with it."

They end up taking for a long time that night about it.

Murphy probably apologizing a million times for even thinking about taking the pills.

Bellamy reassuring him and telling him it's alright, he'd never force him to have this child.

The actual pregnancy is so hard.

Murphy's body (obviously) isn't exactly built completely for carrying a child so he gets really weak at one point.

Bellamy is like 1000000X more Protective.

He scares the shit out of Miller one day by getting in his face all pissed off

"Excuse me, what did you just say?"

"I- I was just asking him to move over so I could get through."

"Goddamn Babe, Chill."

Bellamy will steal pillows from the medbay when people aren't using them to simply make his tent as comfy as possible for Murphy to be.

C U D D L E S

Okay wow I wanna write so much but I'd have to write a fanfic. I might do it tbh.

Bellamy 100% thinks it's a girl.

Murphy is adamant that its a boy.

Everyone just agrees with Murphy because

1.) Murphy is already scary normally, let alone when he's hormonal.

And 2.) They just think hed know Best since hes actually carrying the kid.

Ut it's mostly Number 1

When it actually comes to the last two months Murphy is forced to stay in the Medbay because hes too weak

Hes too skinny, even though hes pregnant as fuck.

Abby says the baby is taking as much nutrients as possible and Murphy body just naturally doesn't gain fat easily so it's harder.

Murphy is already calling the kid "little parasite".

"He's a little parasite ain't He?"

"SHE'S a little parasite."

The actual birth is terrifying because it's a month early because There were complications with Murphy's body starting to give out.

Bellamy was freaking out the whole time. He Basically ran through camp to go find Clarke and scream at her about the baby coming

(Just had the funniest thought. Picture Bellamy like Manny for the Ice Age movies when his wife is pregnant. He just runs around screaming about the baby coming for a few minutes.)

All the lasting delinquents are trying to cram into the small hallways outside of the room.

Which isn't easy.

LITERALLY THE HALLWAY IS SO FULL IT TAKES BELLAMY FOREVER TO GET THROUGH

like excuse me y'all?? Father coming through?? FUCKING MOVE.

But turns out Bellamy was worried about getting there fast for no reason because honestly Murphy was basically chilling other than the pain.

He wasn't even freaking out, just reacting when he was in pain, and thats it.

Okay, let's be honest. Murphy is freaking out. Just not Outwardly.

He asked Abby to spew a bunch of facts about Male Pregnancy to him so he could concentrate on that instead.

The birth is fairly painful, and dangerous.

Especially considering its a month early, and in Male Pregnancy usually the baby needs the whole amount of time because o how much harder it is.

All of the delinquents are literally never going to mention the crying they hear.

Never. They know they'd die before the word "Murphy" came out of their mouths.

After a long ass time the delinquents hear a babies cry from the room and they all applaud like idiots.

Abby smirks at Murphy when she checks to see, and sure enough.

It's a boy.

Murphy just uses that against Bellamy forever after this but let's not go off topic.

They name him Alex. After Murphy's Dad, and his middle name is Aurora for Bellamy's mom. Yes. He was a "Girls" middle name.

Bellamy And Murphy say fuck your gender roles.

Murphy's the first to hold him and dear God the SPARK IN HIS EYE.

"Hehehehe... H- Hey lil' Parasite."

Bellamy Basically dies and just sits there staring at them both.

The first person to hold him outside of those two (and Abby but let's ignore that)

Is Octavia. She actually cries when she sees her Nephew for the first time.

And then she cries more when she learns his name.

Fast Forward to when Murohy is actually healthy again, and can actually move.

Theyre the most protective parents ever.

Murphy makes sure to threaten people a lot

But also hes super loving and will just hold his baby all night if he has to.

Everytime his fathers name was said before, John Murphy would get violent, depressed, pissed off.

But now he hears the name "Alex" come from the father of his child's mouth. And all he can think is Love.

[bl00dgutsgl0ry]

As The World Caves In (Akechi Goro x Akira Kurusu)

Pairing - Akechi Goro x Akira Kurusu

Smut/Fluff/Angst - Lots and Lots of angst on this one I haven’t written and angst fic in a while.

Warnings - Canon typical gore/horror, and swearing

Additional Info - I edited the way the story plays out a bit and basically removed the fact that everyone knows that Akechi was going to betray them. It makes it more interesting lol.

    Akira hadn’t known many friends before being forced to move to Shibuya and do parole there. He was always very quite, but was always soaking up his surroundings like a sponge. He had his own personality most definitely, but it’s always been hidden and covered with the personality he pieces together from what he believes people will like. So getting thrust into this unknown situation that hadn't even been his fault was a very big shock to this built up personality. Not to mention being forced to make friends and relationships that would help him. Was it shallow to only make friendships he thought was beneficial to him? Sure you could say that, but in the end he actually started to depend on these people and greatly appreciated these people for helping him grow. 

    But that's enough reminiscing, the Phantom Thieves were currently in the middle of a meeting, deciding if they were ready to send the infamous calling card to Sae Nijima. Akira was used to seeing his other seven teammates and friends, but there was a newcomer who he had gotten quite close to: Goro Akechi. Akechi had been around Akira for quite some time making his first appearance when Ann Ryuji Morgana and Akira all went to the broadcasting station for a school field trip; Akira making himself known to the detective when he answered a question. Ever since then, Akechi would accidentally run into the taller raven haired boy. Each time they would run into each other it would make Akira’s heart flutter. The fans of Akechi were correct; he was incredibly charismatic and not to mention, exceptionally attractive. Whilst hiding behind his indifferent blank facial expression, he would eventually become happy to see the detective; even though he was progressively becoming more of a thorn in the sides of the Phantom Thieves.

    The group, after in depth conversation about whether or not they were ready to send the calling card, decided they should wait and send it on a specific day; per Akechi’s request. Akechi had a plan, even though most of the Phantom Thieves didn't exactly trust him, he was the best shot they had. Eventually most of them dispersed except for Yuskue, Akechi, and obviously Morgana. Akira decided to make them all coffee seeing as how Sojiro didn't really care what he did as long as he didn’t take too much coffee. They made small talk with each other before Yusuke left to go home and Morgana decided to retire to bed early, leaving Akechi and Akira in the shop alone with each other. They continued to small talk, even though Akira wasn't exactly paying attention to what was being said, he was paying attention to how Akechi looked. The way the dimly lit golden light of the café, and the almost shimmering light of the moon bouncing off of Akechi in such a pleasing way made him look so ethereal; almost like an angel sent from heaven.

    “Well, I must be going now if I want to catch the last train back to my home. I appreciate to coffee Kurusu it truly does get better every time I stop by.” Akechi said suddenly after a sudden gap of silence; a pleasant smile gracing his face. 

    “Be careful Goro, and I’ve said it before, Akira is fine.” The raven haired boy retuned the pleasant smile before taking Akechi’s empty coffee cup and going to wash it. He heard Akechi slowly gather his things, then the soft ring of the bell on the door alerting anyone inside that it has been open. After a beat the bell chimed once more and the door closed. Once Akira was done washing his dishes and putting them away, he left to lock the café door before retiring to his room to sleep.

    After that, the days leading up to the delivery of the calling card went by in what felt like seconds. Of course he spent the days hanging out with his teammates, getting closer to them giving him more benefits; though he did genuinely enjoy their company. Sadly to Akira’s misfortune though there were no signs of Akechi anywhere. He was probably getting ready still, as much as he didn't want to admit it he did miss him. His polite looking smile and the way his hair was always so soft looking and well kept. But oh well, they’ll have plenty of time to spend with each other finishing off Sae’s palace.

    And then the day was upon them, the day where Sae Nijima’s hear would be changed forever; that is as long as they were successful. They had Makoto deliver the calling card the day before, so this was it. Their only chance. Everything was going to be fine, they would do what they always did and they would be in and out of there within the day. 

    And that's how it went, there was of course a hiccup or two where they had realized that of course the shadow of Sae was cheating, but with Joker’s quick wit there were able to quickly figure out what she was doing and get past it. It difficult for Makoto to see her sister the way she was, but with everyone giving her a reassuring smiling and her subconsciously knowing that this was for the best, see was able to get through everything and talk to her sister for a moment.

    “The investigation will now be able to proceed. The suspicion against you will be lifted as well. This deal we made... was a great experience for me.” Akechi spoke gracefully after the battle had ended and Yusuke and Ryuji found Sae’s treasure. Akechi and Akira both nodded to each other, in mutual acknowledgment and respect. Akira could feel his bond growing with Akechi, this new found trust in him.

    “Alright we don’t need to stay here any longer..!” Morgana piped up, then looked at Makoto asking if she was alright. She gave a quick assured nod.

    “I am.. Let’s go.” Makoto stood from her kneeling position in front of her sister’s fallen shadow.

    “Huh?! Enemy readings! When did they...?! They’re gathering outside!” Futaba’s scan popped up in front of her as she looked through it, trying to asses what the hell was going on.

    “Look at those numbers...!” Yusuke said disbelief prevalent in his voice.

    “There are more coming?! This’ll be dangerous if we don't do something..!” The panic was visible in everyone, they knew that if they got surrounded they would be done for.

    “A group this large would be discovered immediately, so we would need to split up. Although we would need for someone to act as a decoy... No but that's too dangerous..!” Even Makoto was frantic as she desperately tried to think of a way out of this situation.

    “I’ll do it.” Akira’s voice was calm, but powerful and confident. He knew what he was doing and he needed his teammates to believe in him as well.

    “Joker?! Are you seriously planning on distracting them by yourself?!”

    “Let him do it Queen, he’s quite but once he’s made up his mind he wont take no for an answer.” Ryuji knew Akira well, seeing as how he was his first friend throughout this entire process and Ryuji knew that Akira would be okay. He had to be.

    With that Ryuji handed over the brief case, and with a couple more reluctant parting words from just about everyone, he was on his way. He needed to make sure they were safe. Akira gave a theatrical performance as he distracted the guards, making sure it was flashy and everyone knew of his presence. 

    As he bobbed and weaved through guards, finally moving in the shadows he made it back to the main room. His only way out? Through the giant stained glass window. And just with this he was spotted, what better way that to make his escape with an audience of people who were trying to capture him? He jumped up on the railing and ran towards the widow.

    “See ya.” With a quick flourish, he dived out the window and landed on the ground below. But before he could even realize, hundreds of spotlights were aimed at him, and even more police officers were surrounding him. He tried to get away but as he was climbing the latter he was knocked back down with the butt of someone's gun. 

    “Didn’t expect to find some kid. You have your teammate to thank for all of this. You were sold out.” Sold out? Sold out?! How could he have been... Who would’ve-

    Akechi...

    Eventually, he woke up, back to where everything began, the interrogation room. All the questions Sae threw at him as he refused to sell his teammates out. God he hoped they at least were able to get out. Sae’s time eventually ran out and she had to leave. After her Akechi himself entered the room, and it made Akira’s stomach drop. Why did this affect him so much... Akira watched as Akechi quickly swiped the silenced gun from the police officer and shot him, making Akira flinch.

    “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Akira couldn’t help but lash out finally snapping. He had trusted Akechi so much, and of course that was probably his downfall but he couldn’t help it. Akechi was so perfect and he finally felt truly connected to him but what the fuck was this?!

    “What is wrong with me?! Tough talk coming from someone who is tied up screaming at a guy with a gun! You’re gonna regret being born. I don’t understand how you have always had it some much better than me. I trained myself day in and day out to be fucking perfect; but you who is nothing but attic scum showed up and had immediately gathered so much attention. Being worshiped by others.” Akechi swung at Akira, giving him a strong punch directly into the temple making him see stars. Akira groaned from the hit. Everything was so blurry, he didn’t know if it was because there were tears in his eyes or if it was because he just got knocked in the side of the head; probably both.

     Where did everything go wrong? Akira physically couldn’t comprehend what was going on. Akechi was his friend, wasn’t he? Why was everything so backwards now? Whilst he was in his head he hadn’t realized that he was staring at the ground while Akechi was going on and on about how much he hated him.

     “Are you even fucking listening to me?! Are you so fucking cocky that even now, as you sit before me tied up and helpless, you still think you’re better than me?!” Akechi’s voice was becoming raspier by the second as he screamed at the top of his lungs. His vocal cords straining to keep up with his howling. It sounded like the man was tearing his own vocal cords to shreds and he probably was. Akira didn’t even look up at Akechi though, just kept his eyes trained to the floor which enraged the psychotic man above him even more. He couldn’t even register what was happening before Akechi shot him in the knee.

     “Will that get your worthless attention attic trash?!” Akira’s ears were ringing, the adrenaline in his body only barely covering up the burning pain in his knee. Akira cried out, pleading Akechi to stop yet he was only met with maniacal laughter. Laughter that was ripping out of a man’s chest, tearing at his lungs and vocal cords in the process. Akechi screeched as he waved the gun around frantically, and once Akira shakily lifted his head took look at the man he once trusted with his life, Akechi thrusted the gun right between his eyes and pressed hard; throwing Akira’s head back.

     “Beg. Beg me not to blow your fucking brains out like the worthless piece of trash you are.” Akira’s eyes were blown wide open, his breath shaky while his tongue quickly darted out to anxiously wet his lips. He genuinely had to contemplate whether or not it was worth it. What if the other phantom thieves were already on their way to help him? He couldn’t lose his dignity like that. He knew he wasn’t exactly in the position to be choosing whether or not losing his dignity was worth losing his life, but for fucks sake he worked his ass off to get the respect he has now, he will not lose it.

     “Bite me.” Turns out that wasn’t the best answer. Because as soon as “me” left Akira’s mouth, a bullet entered his brain. So much for Joker’s dignity.

[breyito]

Brittle

TITLE: Brittle  AUTHOR/ARTIST: @breyito (read also on AO3) PROMPT DAY : Day 4: Hurt/Comfort for @geraskierweek SUMMARY: Post- Ep. 6Jaskier is on his way to being mostly allright, when an unexpected meeting with Geralt tears all his efforts apart. WORD COUNT: 2.1 k BOOKS/NETFLIX/2002 SHOW/VIDEO GAME: Netflix show TRIGGERS/WARNINGS: Angst. Hurt no Comfort. Emotional pain.   RATING: Teen and up ADDITIONAL NOTES: Yeah...I chose hurt. Ooops? ñ.ñ  I couldn't help it!!! I just love Jaskier and his angsty-potential!!! Tbh, I've read some amazing post-ep.6 fix-it fics, but I'm of the opinion that some things you just don't forgive; at least not without effort from the other part. Hence, this was born. I knoooow that Geraskier Week is ending, but RL is a bitch and writing (even if I've written more this week than the past semester, jeez) is hard. I plan to finish all the prompts, even if it takes me another week lol. Tho I'm having a hard time to come up with ideas for the last two days, so...help?? Enjoy the pain!!

When they find the bard, he is singing in a small tavern. This far North the Nilfgaard army has not being able to reach, yet; but refugees have been traveling and passing through, and it is noticeable. The place is fairly full, the ambient warm from the fire on the hearth and the ammount of bodies. The mood of the people, though, is solemn and gloom. The usual joyful tunes and bawdy lyrics that make most of Jaskier's songs would not be welcome; but his most recent works, full of longing and despair are listened to with the aumost attention; people eager to feel conected in their grief.

~I need time to replace, what I gave away~

He is singing with his eyes closed, the melody pouring out of him without effort; and he does not see them enter: the sorceress, the princess and the two Witchers.

~Though I try to resist I still want it all ~

The four of them sit in a corner, willing to wait until the performance is over; but the white haired witcher does not take his eyes away from the bard for a second.

~I see a little house on the beach and children's names I see quiet nights poured over ice and the sweetest ale~

Geralt tries really hard not to think that the song is about him, because surely it can't be. Neither of them are built for a quiet life and a settled home; and yet he can't stop hearing the hopeful proposal of 'lets go to the coast for a while' that he never responded to, which was on itself an answer of its own.

~But everything is shattering and it's my mistake~

Vesemir notices the moment the lark sees Geralt, because his body fills with tension, his shoulders go back and his eyes fill with something else: anger, pain, hurt. He feels the sharp inhale Geralt takes of the man’s souring scent, and hears the aborted whine that climbs up his troath.

~Only fools fall for you, only fools Only fools do what I do, only fools fall~

The sorceress thinks to herself that there is no way the dumb Witcher can miss the song being about him. The bard is practically singing it to him, not looking away once. The rest of the place might not notice, but the four of them on the table know. Even without the enhanced senses she thinks she can smell the betrayal and the hurt the bard pours out in every exhale. She did not know things were so dire between the two men, or she would have insisted on Geralt aproaching first, with an apology at the ready; instead of ambushing him to ask such a big favour.

~Only fools fall…~

As soon as the song finishes the bard jumps into action; throwing the few coins in the floor into his lute case and sprinting for the back door. Obviously, they follow. Or, Yennefer and Geralt do, leaving Ciri with Vesimir inside, to protect her.

~*~

Jaskier has never believed the saying that Witchers have no emotions; that they can't feel and only care for killing and coin. Because if that were true, then why would they help?why would they risk their own lives for the ungrateful little beings that humans are? They are hated, spat on, cursed, stoned...and yet they continue to travel seeking for monsters to kill and people to save. Surely it would be easier to just take whatever they want, instead of getting barely what they need? They could stop traveling, live in the woods or the mountains, hunt and plant and live quietly; until people grew desperate enough to seek them out and pay whatever amount they demand for killing whatever creature is tormenting the pesky little humans. Or become bandits, roaming the roads and stealing and killing as much as they want. It's not a big secret (just something people like to forget) that they can control the minds of people with their magic (similar to the way mages can, but they don't, not usually). They could take over a city, a kindom. They could do so many things; things that would turn them into the monsters people already treat them as. But they don't. They just keep picking themselves up after a badly payed hunt, a stoning, a beating for just exhisting; and they go back to the Path. So no, Jaskier has never believed the rumours about Witchers not having feelings. Traveling with Geralt only proved him right.

But right now he wishes it were true.

Because if the lack of emotional conexions was something biological, something they did to Witchers on those cursed Trials; if love and care and affection was something they forced them to erase, this would be easier. It would mean Geralt doesnt care for him because he literally can't. But knowing he has such a bottomless heart; that he cares, so deeply; having seen first hand how far his affection goes...and yet know none of it is directed to him? Know that he's just an annoyance, a passing amusement, some silly human the man took pity in? That's torture. Jaskier doesnt know what to do now. What do you do when you realize (when someone literally has to spit it to your face because you just won't get it) that the person you built your life around despises you? How do you keep moving on, when you have linked yourself (your sense of being, your sense of worth) so fully to another being and that other is no longer there? When you have spent more of your life by their side than alone? How do you manage without them?

Somehow, he endures.

It takes time, and acting skills, and ale and some new-found interest in weapons and fighting to release all that anger coursing through him; but he copes. He stills feels brittle, like all his pieces were put in the right order but not glued back together, and a minimal shift can break him apart again. There’s nothing to do about the pain, not really; just wait for it to dull until it’s an ache and not searing pain (like the throb you feel in a broken ankle when it’s going to rain years after it happened; not the excruciating pain of the exposed bone through ruptured flesh). He’s not there yet; but he feels like he could be, in a few more months (or years, being realistic, but realism has never been his strong suit, has it?).

There’s a war going on, after all, and he can’t give himself the luxury of pining when people are being killied left and right. He stops singing about White Wolves and monsters; because Princess Cirilla is still unacounted for, and people are starting to remember (after years of a heavy silence imposed by Calanthe) that Geralt of Rivia was to claim her by the Law of Surprise. He has made a name for himself and the last thing he wants it’s to be taken hostage on the missguided notion that Geralt would give a rat’s ass about him and come to his rescue. He is not that stupid. 

So he crafts another identity, another name and life and repertoire (he’s lucky that enough songs from Jaskier are being sung by other minstrels, so he doesn’t runs out of ballads and dittys while he composes new material), changes his image to fit in rather than stand out (more earthy colors with minimal embellishments, embroidered by his own hand), grows a beard (still carefully maintained) and lets his hair reach his shoulders. He sings more about longing and loses, homesickness and heartbreak; but still tries to end the performances on a high note, a cheerful tune (people respond better, when they can sing their woes but still feel hope at the end of another dark day).  

Or at least that is what he usually does. It only takes Geralt to show up once for all his careful work to come tumbling down. He can feel his grief start to choke him and barely manages to finish the song (and of course it’s about Geralt, because all his songs about heartbreak are about him) before he’s gathering his things in a hurry and running for the door. He just wants to get to his room at the inn before he starts to unravell. Of course he doesn’t get to, because the damn Witcher and the fucking witch follow him and cut him off.

��Jaskier.”

“That’s not my name.” he answers in a lower registry. It’s useless, he knows, but he still tries to side step and continue on his way. A hand grabs his forearm and the strenght behind it stops him short. He can feel the heat of his palm scorching his flesh even under all those layers and he starts to shake.

“Jaskier.”

“What? I’m on my way to the inn, I’ll be gone by morning. You-”

“Jaskier”

“-don’t have to see me or talk to me-”

“Jaskie-”

“-or even acknowledge me so-”

“Jaskier!”

“-what do you want!?” he screams, and his voice carries into the darkness around them. “What could you possibly want from a shit-shoveling useless minstrel, uh!?” 

He can tell that both the Witcher and the sorceress are shocked by his outburst; and he takes advantage of this by shaking the hand off and walking a few more feet away from them.

“Jaskier. We need you.” Is what he hears next, and the words make him stop. He lets loose a bitter short laugh.

“Oh, haven’t you heard, woman, that he doesn’t need anyone?” he hears steps behind him and continues walking, “And I wouldn’t go depending on him very much either. He tends to bite and run the other way when that happens, you know?” The Witcher gets ahead of him and grabs his shoulders, thightly and pushes him against a wall.

“Don’t do that.” he growls, shaking him, impatient. “She’s done nothing to-”

"How is it, Geralt” Jaskier interrumpts, finally looking into Geralt’s eyes “that you go out of your way to respect, protect, love” he spats the word out “people that  curse your name, spit on you, wish you dead and use you so badly that you have nothing left when they are done with you;” he doesn’t even try to pretend the words aren’t about certain witch that has apparently deemed the Witcher’s company good enough again, he sees her flinch at the quick look he shots her but pays it no mind “but show nothing but disgust towards the one person who has always stood by you?" he sees the way Geralt recoils at that, but honestly, if he can lash out when he feels hurt then he deserves to hear the pain he caused others.

"Jas-"

"What did I had to do; what did I had to change; what else did I had to sacrifice for you to give me a sliver of your affection?” He can’t hold his gaze anymore and just looks over his shoulder, tears escaping uninvited. “Just a morsel, a fucking crumb of yourself?" His voice breaks and fuck, he wanted to finish this conversation with the last dregs of his dignity intact, but he doesn’t even get that, does he?

"Jaskier, I'm so-" despite the fact that Jaskier has spent the last fucking year wanting to hear an apology from the man that destroyed his heart; right now he can’t. He suddenly feels so tired. Brittle, like that single word could make him crumble and disperse his very core to the winds. He swallows a moan and starts begging.

"Please, leave." he pauses, to see if the other man will, for once, heed his request. He doesn’t, of course. " Geralt, please, leave." he pleads. The Witcher lets go of his shoulders, but opens his mouth. But Jaskier won’t let him speak, not if he doesn’t want to end the night reduced to more pieces. "You are no good to me witcher. You wound me; it hurts. Everytime I think of you a fucking hole opens in my chest and threatens to consume whole.” he starts wheezing, but keeps talking, trying to explain his pain, to make him understand how badly those scarred hands have wounded him. “Seeing you here... Listening to your voice? It’s ripping me to pieces."

"Ja-" the bard feels like puppet whose string was cut. He falls to the floor in a crouch, hugging himself, trying to contain the void growing in his chest.

"Geralt, have mercy." he sobs, desperate. He hides his face between his knees, tears and snot being absorved by the dark fabric.

Finally, Geralt leaves. The keens and sobs of pain follow him all the way back to the tavern.

"Good gods, what have you done to him, Witcher?" Vesemir asks when they return to the table. The piercing cries continue on in the night.

~*~

Mmm, are those reworked lyrics from Troye Sivan?? Yes, yes they are. I just love this song and I had to tweak the lyrics a bit so they fit better, but I love the result, tbh. Thanks for reading!!! Ideas for day 6 (destiny) and day 7 (free day) are accepted ;P

Kisses

[gore-hovnd]

So a few days I posted that I’d outlined my headcanon for Jack’s life up until the events of TWS and I got some good advice to post it. So I prettied it up and fleshed out a few concepts and now I’m throwing it at tumblr

Now, these are just my headcanons, and yes I’m forcing HH into it bc I love the ship and even though it’d never happen in canon, it was fun to kinda toy with the whole “how they met” idea. So yeah, here’s this and I’m gonna go lay down lol

I’ll see about doing one for Brock too? Just depends on how long it takes for me to think of stuff up for him. 

Jack’s Timeline

      • Jack Rollins was born in 1974 to John and Leanne Rollins in the mountains of Colorado, right outside of a major city

      • At the time of his birth he was their fifth son but would end up being the middle sibling of nine

          ◦  The reason Jack’s parents had so many children was because Leanne had grown up an only child and recalled how lonely it was. She never wanted her kids to be lonely so she decided she wanted a lot of them. Originally, she’d planned to stop at five but Leanne and John decided they wanted to keep trying until they had a girl.

      • Jack’s siblings consist of: 

          ‣  Matthias - 1964

          ‣ Titus and T.J. - 1966

          ‣ Lawson - 1970

          ‣ Cooper - 1980

          ‣ Benjamin - 1982

          ‣ Samuel - 1983

          ‣ Annalise - 1985

      • Jack was born premature and doctors didn’t think he would survive

          ◦ Because of this, Leanne favored him and always kept a close eye on him

      • During Jack’s early life, his parents thought he may have had a learning disability due to the fact that he rarely, if ever spoke. 

          ◦ It turned out that Jack was selectively mute

      • John didn’t take well to this diagnosis and wanted to try to force Jack to speak

          ◦ He suggested doing this by forcing Jack to verbally ask for things like food, water, bathroom breaks, etc. 

                ‣ Leanne rejected this and instead decided that Jack would be treated by a therapist

      • Jack began to speak more in middle school

          ◦ It started out with asking / answering questions in class, asking to borrow a pencil from classmates, etc. 

      • By the time Jack was in 8th grade, while still shy, was able to speak with relative ease

      • In 1987, when Jack was 13, his mother passed away due to an ongoing heart condition

          ◦ Because of this, Jack’s family feared he would stop talking again

      • While Jack didn’t stop talking, he also didn’t seem to mourn the loss of his mother either

      • Concerned with this, John had sent Jack to a new therapist

          ◦ The new therapist claimed Jack was going through a period of dissociative shock 

                ‣ It took years of therapy and counseling for Jack to open up and properly grieve 

      • Jack ended up going to a different high school than most of his peers from middle school and had to basically start over. 

      • For a little while he would keep to himself and didn’t really take the steps to make any new friends

          ◦ Until three months into the semester when he was paired up to work on an assignment with a boy named Dalton

      • Dalton took a liking to Jack and introduced him to the rest of his friend group; consisting of Cole, Braxton, Lucan, and Matt

      • The boys grew close together; they would hang out after school together and Jack would go to their drama club performances even though he was too shy to be in one himself. 

      • During spring break of his freshman year, Jack found out and met Braxton’s two dads, Arthur and Christopher

          ◦ Before this, Jack had never met a gay couple before

                ‣ Meeting them sprung questions of Jack’s own sexuality

      • When Jack’s dad found out about Braxton’s parents, he reacted very negatively and this scared Jack back into his shell

          ◦ He rarely spoke to his father about anything after that

      • For the entirety of his sophomore year and the majority of his junior year, Jack tried to ignore his sexuality

      • Until finally, nearing the end of his junior year, he came out to Arthur and Christopher and asked them for advice

          ◦ The two of them told Jack he could always confide in them

      • At 18, Jack developed a crush on a new student who’d moved to Colorado from Los Angeles

      • This boy’s name was Christian and the two of them began to date soon after meeting

      • Jack told Christian that he didn’t want to go public about their relationship, basically stating he liked to keep his personal life private

          ◦ Christian agreed not to say anything

      • The two of them dated for a few months but that all came to a screaming halt during winter break

      • Christian had gone over to the Rollins’ home asking for him and responded with “Jack’s boyfriend” when John asked Christian who he was. 

      • John was absolutely livid and kicked Jack out without a second thought. 

          ◦ Jack and Christian got into a huge argument over this and broke up due to it

      • Jack’s uncle, Mike, had offered a place for Jack to stay

          ◦ He slept on Mike’s couch for the final semester of his senior year

      • Once Jack graduated, he enlisted in the Marines and disappeared without telling his family anything. 

      • Six weeks into boot camp, he’d given into the guilt and wrote letters to T.J., who was the only one of his siblings who still spoke to him, as well as his uncle

      • While in the Marines, Jack pretty much shed his childhood shyness entirely and grew to be more self confident. 

          ◦ He also became a trained sniper and demolitions expert

      • In late 2000, Jack was in an unfortunate accident while on deployment that left him blind in his left eye

          ◦ Because of this, Jack was discharged 

      • After being discharged, with pretty much nowhere to go, Jack spent 9 months on the streets. 

          ◦ But in August of 2001, when Jack was 27, an agent got in contact with him and told Jack he worked for a government funded agency that recruited and rehabilitated veterans for reenlistment. 

      • Jack agreed to sign a contract and go with this agent

      • During training, which was long and grueling, he met a man named Ellison Lomack and the two of them quickly became friends.

      • Jack spent five years going on missions for this agency, assuming that he was once again an active duty Marine

      • In 2006 he was given the opportunity to be brought onto an elite STRIKE team that could earn him up to $95,000 a year. 

          ◦ Jack was chosen to be the Second in Command of STRIKE Team Alpha

      • His orientation to this team was when he’d found out he was part of HYDRA

      • Being told, essentially, that he would either continue working or be killed, Jack chose the former

      • Being the chosen SIC, Jack had to go through extra training and bonding with the STRIKE team’s commander, Brock Rumlow

          ◦ Brock told Jack when they first met; “I trust you with my life, you gotta learn to trust me with yours.” 

      • In the first few months, Brock was almost glued to Jack’s hip any time they were at work or in the field

          ◦ Including times when Jack was diffusing bombs, which freaked Jack out

      • Over time, Brock and Jack began to work together like a well oiled machine, Jack’s calm and calculating personality working well with Brock’s brazen and abrasive one. 

      • And in 2009, while drinking after a highly successful mission, Brock and Jack had drunk sex in the hotel room of the British Prime Minister, hardly slipping away before they got caught

      • Jack began to recognize his feelings for Brock after this night but refused to pursue anything, feeling as though it would be safer to preserve their established relationship

          ◦ Everything pretty much went back to normal

      • Two years passed and their relationship grew stronger, but never took a romantic turn. Until one night on a particularly difficult mission where everything had gone tits up and they only had 24 hours to fix it. 

            ◦ Brock is stressed out about it and laments that he isn’t afraid to die, but admits he wished he could’ve spent more time with Jack before he did

      • Brock and Jack share a kiss under the stars in a desert and fuck on the hood of their military issued Jeep while their team sleeps in a safe house 20 feet away. 

      • After this mission, that they were able to pull off by the skin of their teeth, Brock and Jack make things official. 

          ◦ Both of them lead relatively private lives and don’t make it known to the rest of the team that they’re seeing each other

      • Three years pass and six months before Project Insight, Brock brings up the idea of getting married for the sake of spousal immunity just in case things don’t go as planned.

          ◦ So they get married, something simple at the court house and neither of them change their names. 

      • Afterward, Brock and Jack are living happily as a married couple and they fantasize about what kind of life they hope to share when Insight goes through and they’re finally free from HYDRA’s demanding grip

      • Project Insight comes along and Brock and Jack meet the infamous Winter Soldier

      • Project Insight launches and things go horribly wrong

      • Brock splits up with Jack at the Trisk, telling Jack to head back out and that he’d meet him outside. 

          ◦ Initially, Jack follows the instructions given. But a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach has him turning around to go and get Brock 

      • The helicarriers crash into the building and Jack gets caught beneath the rubble

      • He’s stuck there for two days before he finally succumbs and the entire time, all he could do was fiddle with his ring and think about Brock.

[yukipri]

For the ask: can you tell me about shoreiji? :3

FRICK YESSSSS THANK YOU SOBS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH???? *RIPS OUT MY HEART*

001 | send me a ship and I will tell you: Shorter x Eiji

When I started shipping it if I did:

Ohhhhh SHITE YO

So okay I’m very aware of my incredibly consistent tendency to poly ship Everyone x Protagonist, and even from just the promo stuff (nop haven’t read the manga tho hoooo boy have i read detailed spoilers), it was clear that Ash and Eiji were gonna be the Popular Ship. But then I was like EY who’s this flashy purple mohawk?? And then I was like OH SHITE he’s the Best Friend Type, I’m SUCH a sucker for them??

And then it was like Wait, soooo Ash shoved another guy’s name into Eiji’s mouth? That’s pretty gay (

Beyond me just being attracted to Shorter as a character, I started to REALLY ship them when I noticed just how many times Shorter protects Eiji. True, Eiji’s defs the type that needs protection but…it was just, SO MANY TIMES?? Like dare I say excessive, in the most endearing way?? Their first meeting at the doc’s, and then Shorter literally does the “cover your hands with mine to shoot gun,” and then wrapping himself around Eiji as they jump into the harbor…then it looks like they consistently slept next to each other for most if not all of the trip to LA, and as if he’s already learned that Shorter’s the one who’s gonna protect him, Eiji latches onto him at sight of Mouse LMAO

BUT the one scene that literally gave my life to this ship was after Shorter goes with Yut Lung, and is protecting unconscious Eiji. THAT WHOLE FREAKIN’ SEQUENCE REALLY, but the “If anything happens to him, I’ll kill everyone in this room and then myself,” followed up by “We don’t need the fuckin’ wheelchair [because I can effortlessly princess carry him and don’t want to be separated by even the slightest amount]”…like JFC, JFC WHAT A SHIP *straight through the heart* (

My thoughts:

*WILD GESTURES AT ALL OF THE ABOVE* IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL, I LOVE THEM???

What makes me happy about them:

The fact that they are alive and well and living happily in a shared apartment with Ash, Sing, and Skip. *COUGHS*

But in all honesty, how protective Shorter is of Eiji, and how naturally and easily he does it. How much Eiji trusts him even in such a short time. How I think Shorter was so essential to Eiji and Ash’s bond too. Just, SO MANY THINGS.

What makes me sad about them:

SO MANY FREAKIN’ THINGS OH MY FUCKING GOD IS THIS A TRAGEDY SHIP IF THERE EVER WAS ONE???? (but that’s also part of what makes it so, SO good RIP)

(too long so under a cut lmao rip)

The fact that Shorter literally would have done anything, would have died for Eiji, and in a way he freakin’ DID. The fact that probably one of the last coherent thoughts he had was the dawning horror that they were going to make him hurt, possibly kill Eiji, and there’s nothing he could do to stop it. The fact that he was forced to be terrified of Eiji, someone he cares about and wants to desperately protect, and that that’s precisely why they chose him as Shorter’s target. The fact that even through all the pain and fear, any part of him left was probably even more scared about what he could do to Eiji. While he asked Ash to set him free from the unbearable pain, I personally interpret that moment as asking Ash to stop him from hurting their Eiji, even at the cost of his own life. I wonder if he died feeling relieved that Eiji at least was safe, or if he died not knowing.

And Eiji, gods, he never doubted Shorter’s loyalty once and reached for him until the end. That FACE Eiji made when he realized what they were going to do to Shorter, do to THEM. The fact that even if it was the drug’s fault, Eiji realized that his very existence was causing Shorter terror and agony so awful that it was unbearable. The fact that Eiji knows, and will always carry with him the fact that Ash had to shoot Shorter in order to protect Eiji. Shorter may have been already lost at that point, but part of Eiji will always blame himself, because it felt like Ash was forced to choose to save one of them, at the cost of the other’s life.

The fact that Eiji had Shorter’s life blood splat onto his cheek, and only Eiji saw that last expression on Shorter’s face. Eiji then felt the heavy weight of Shorter’s body collapse lifelessly on top of him, no doubt felt warm blood from Ash’s bullet wound soak into his own chest. It was Eiji who held Shorter’s body last, who screamed and cried himself hoarse as it was ripped away from him. And then it was Eiji who had to shove his pain aside, because he needed to be strong to keep Ash together.

SO YEAH A TON OF FUCKING THINGS MAKE ME SAD ALRIGHT????

But at the same time, all the sad things just make me ship them more RIP

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

uhhhh not all too much out there, but I guess when Ash is portrayed as an outsider? Regardless of whether he’s involved with them romantically or not. They both absolutely love Ash, and I doubt they could leave him alone.

Things I look for in fanfic:

Reciprocal feelings, a romantic relationship born out of strong friendship that remains strong no matter what else happens, always looking out for each other and Eiji being a strong mental support for Shorter in ways he’s not expecting. I love when Shorter gets flustered around Eiji too?? Also, when Shorter’s always concerned and careful, he knows he’s bold and confident and has experience Eiji doesn’t, so he always triple checks and makes sure Eiji’s completely ok before doing anything, and it’s sometimes so excessive but endearing that Eiji has to just pull him down for a kiss himself. ALSO ALIVE AND WELL THANK YOU.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

I thought about saying Ash, and while it’s true to an extent (for either of them), I do strongly prefer this OT3 together ^ ^; But ACTUALLY, for Eiji I’m going to say Sing, because as with Ash, Shorter played a major role in bringing them together, and also I love SingEiji LOL Pulling up a blank for Shorter AHAHAHA

My happily ever after for them:

They live in a fancy ass apartment that’s 80% bought with Ash’s money but they contribute too HAHAHA. Shorter technically owns Chang Dai (his name alone scares off troublemakers) but he actually works at the hair salon next door. He cuts and styles Eiji’s long hair and dyes the slowly increasing number of gray hairs at his temples black. Eiji’s a photographer and Shorter tags along whenever he can to assist and carry his bags along with Sing, especially when Ash is the model. Eiji slowly develops a taste for Shorter’s cooking; it’s not exactly bad, just different. Eiji agrees to a couple ear piercing. They get married. Shorter grows super old to the point his natural hair turns white, and his reaction is, “Sweet! No more need for bleach ;D.”

Who is the big spoon/little spoon:

LMAO Shorter is the big spoon, and he loves curling completely around Eiji who fits next to him perfectly, and it makes Eiji feel super safe try being a big spoon but….lil jetpack AHAHAHAHAHAHA

What is their favorite non-sexual activity:

CUDDLING??? Like y’all may or may not have noticed but I have a Thing for Shorter just…wrapping himself around Eiji. They’re such a good size difference for it?? Like when they’re chilling on the couch, Eiji’s seat is always Shorter’s lap (and then maybe Ash leans against them). When they take baths, Eiji also ends up in Shorter’s lap. When Eiji’s sleep and doesn’t want to wake up but Shorter’s gotta go, he just drags Eiji up with him and eats breakfast with a half asleep Eiji still in his lap.

Eiji likes to pretend he’s getting manhandled and he’s Shorter’s body pillow, but Eiji will also literally take any excuse to climb on top of Shorter. He pretends to get scared over things that he isn’t so his boyfriend will sweep him up. He also won’t admit it but loves getting princess carried, and likes saying, “I’m too tired and can’t walk,” even though they both know it’s a lie. When Shorter himself isn’t available, Eiji will wear one of his enormous hoodies and just curl up in it

send me a ship and I will tell you/Give me a character & I will tell you/send me 5 characters and I will rank them in order of preference

Please send me more~!  

[shadowdianne]

⭐️⭐️ for the director’s cut

Oh

I hadn’teven considered the possibility of getting an ask for this. Ok, ok…

Uhm I mean,I would talk about metallic ink for hours but I will pick something closer intime. I… Uh…

Ok, thereare two stars; does that mean two director’s cuts? I’m seriously nervous rightnow.

Ok, I’llpick “Don’t let me go” because I think it’s no secret that the version of EmmaI find more interesting is the Dark One one. Not only because of the wholeconcept of corrupting one’s magic in such a way but also on how from anarrative point of view Emma’s inherent goodness -taking that with a grain ofsalt- was on itself corrupted as we learnt how Snow and David made it impossiblefor her to truly have free will. And that’s also very interesting because wewere told and we were given the information of how they put all of Emma’sability of being bad in Lily but then the script played it out like it didn’tmatter what Lily did; everything went wrong for her.

For me thatalways felt like crap writing because they have already given us the informationthat Snow and David actually tried to shape Emma out of fear before she waseven born. I don’t hate the Charmings per se but that, as many other things,should have been talked way more than it was. Therefore, having an Emma whoseability to be bad if she so choose totally unleashed was very very interesting.Coupled with the fact that Emma’s transformation came from a point of love and needof keeping Regina save.

Yes, I saidlove. It doesn’t matter if they didn’t make SQ canon, what Emma did, puttingherself in the midst of the vortex, saving Regina as she screamed that Reginahad already done too much to get her happiness destroyed, was a fucking act oflove. No matter in which fucking way one decided to code their relationship.

Moving on,Don’t let me go is a rewrite from an older piece of mine but both stories werewritten under the same premise of how being completely filled with rage andneed of power while having been cut off of the very same possibility ofchoosing if you wanted to be that way is maddening.

Rumple soughtpower and from the very powerful scene of Nimue and Emma in where Emma screamed“I was never nothing” we can safely assume that the Dark One’s powers beaconcall was always the ability to gain power when one didn’t have it. Emma isdifferent in this aspect: she didn’t do what she did in order to gain power butin order to save another. Having those ideals stripped out of her only to berepeatedly told her magic is now dark is… enchanting from a writingperspective. At least for me lol. In Don’t let me go we had Regina going toEmma and being completely unable to kill her, to stop her, and yet being fartoo scared of the many repercussions of what would happen if she kissed her todo it too. I often write Regina as being fearlessly in love with Emma and it’sa narrative that fits Regina very well in the last two seasons, true, but backin the Dark One arc Regina was actually posing as the Saviour while she herselfhad various doubts on where she stood herself; her inability to save Emma wassomething I wanted to focus on as the deal they are both presented with is a conundrum.The longer Regina spends without making a decision the more difficult is forEmma to remember who she is anymore but there’s never a decision to be takenreally; they are being forced. They have both been forced to do things for aslong as they have been alive and their shared narrative within the show isprecisely that; to find a way to defeat fate (or prewritten destinies ormagical links or whatever you want to call it)

Emma gave thedagger to Regina when she was still lucid enough to know that was what sheneeded to do. But that didn’t mean that Regina was ready for what that implied.In the show we were never given that impossible moment -we were given hints butwe all know what happened at the end- and so Don’t let me go (and the originalstory in which that one was based on) is my own take at it. It’s not only arealization on Emma’s side that what they share is love but the bitter admissionthat even that feeling is tainted but yet another thing that cannot becontrolled. Hence why it ends in such a bleak note.

Thedescription of Emma’s jail was something I also sought. They are in Camelotafter all. In one of the many versions of the many Arthurian legends that existthe city was built above two sleeping dragons that, when moving, caused thecity to collapse. Arthur needed to destroy them. And so their bones, forgottenand solidified against the stone, it’s just another heavy weight of a historyof a world that it’s not Emma’s what binds Emma to the soil, what makes itimpossible to escape. Not that she wants it. Does she not? It’s not her world,it’s not Storybrooke’s jail, it’s a jail that reeks of ancient magic and thatis so different from the ones she knows that exist that that alone was writtenin order to create an eerie effect between Emma, her “human” side and the sidethat is already “infected”

In theoriginal story -Lost- I had Arthur be the one who accompanied Regina. At thetime I did that in order to raise the tension between them as I wrote Reginawith the mindset that she couldn’t allow herself from being too warm to someonewho Arthur despised. Yet in Don’t let me go I changed that from a generic guardbecause I felt that the tension was already there with how Emma challengedRegina. Which was why I made Regina kiss Emma’s hand in such a way; with her choosingto act as if she wasn’t worried, pained or scared even if she is. And Emma,being Emma, knows this.

I oftenwrite these kind of stories in several goes with first writing the atmosphereand then the lines I want them to say. In this case, however, I wrote the wholething in one go; the fact that Emma is able to listen to the elevator as Reginadescend to greet her was a conscious choice as I wanted it to be as “cinematic”as possible and as on the nose as possible on how is Regina now the one whodescends, the one who, from Emma’s perspective, lowers herself now, to Emma’slevel. Something that Emma, sane Emma, wouldn’t even focus on but this Emma,the one who so desperately knows she is already doomed, bitterly realizes itand despises it with everything she is. And, as Regina couldn’t help at thebeginning how others perceived her while she tried to make things right forHenry during S2 -while failing- Emma can’t do anything about it because her abilityto choose has, once again, being stripped it out of her.

I don’tknow, did I do this right? xd

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #162

“in catholic school, vicious as roman rule, i got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black, and i held my tongue as she told me, ‘son, fear is the heart of love,’ so i never went back.”

Has a rainy day ever ruined your plans? I'm guessing at some point. Do you think you could survive a month of solitary confinement? HAHAHAHA NO I'd lose my fucking mind. What is something that you find utterly boring? TV in most cases. It's honestly really difficult for me to get into shows and be consistently entertained by them. What noise/sound can put you to sleep? Rain. When you are upset, do you tend to shut others out? It depends. Sometimes I seek comfort in others, other times I isolate. When was the last time you felt abandoned by someone? Recently. Does the sight of blood gross you out? Nope. Do you like red roses, or do you prefer another color? No preference, really. What is something you like to eat that is red? Strawberries. Have you ever gone through a red light? No. Do you fail to stop for stop signs, sometimes? No. When was the last time you were near the ocean? A couple months ago. What is your favorite eye color in the opposite sex? Bright blue. During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? 2016 was born of Satan himself. Have you ever seen a bluejay in person? Yeah, but now they give me a somewhat uncomfortable vibe, all the while thinking they're beautiful. Jason's nickname was "J Bird" by his father, and I collected feathers when I found them outside. Have you ever consumed a blue-colored drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually holy water. Is there anything you recycle, or should recycle? Ugh, we did recycle cans, but don't now.  Mom got tired of going to do it. However, we do keep plastic bags for cleaning up a mess the dogs might make, and I also use it when changing Roman's litter. Do you like leaves better in the summer/spring, or in the fall? Is ANYONE going to answer with other than fall??? What is your favorite aspect of life? Just. Experiencing it, experiencing the emotions, feeling alive and real and valid even with how incredibly fleeting we are in the eternal universe. I really can't stand nihilism. Like make a DIFFERENCE, because enough of those change the world. When was the last time you were purposely amongst nature? Not since going out on that walk like... forever ago. I can't do this heat, but here, I don't really. Have anywhere to go. What do you think of global warming & the greenhouse effect? If you don't believe in them, honestly, just don't talk to me. Do you typically like green-colored candies? Yessss, apple-flavored. <3 Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? Hmmm, that I personally know? I'm not sure. Who makes you smile the most often? Sara and Mark can do it at a snap of the finger. Magicians. How do you express your happiness? I become very vocally affectionate and obsessively express love for others, care more than ever at cheering others up, and I smile, laugh, and talk more. Has someone helped you out in a big way, recently? I don't know about /big/ way recently. Do you like to sing? I think I'm starting to??? I don't like my voice, but. It feels good to do. Where is somewhere that holds fond memories for you? This fishing spot deep in the woods that Dad and I would go to a lot to catch mostly striper. I loved that it was in the core of nature. Sometimes I would just stop fishing to explore. Do you like to watch the setting/rising sun? Always when I get the opportunity. Do you know of anyone who is going down the wrong track? Shit, most people I know. Most people I was friends with. Have you ever encountered a black widow? I believe so? Pretty positive at least once. They're so pretty to me, buuut not touchin'. What scares you, more than anything else? Losing those that mean most to me. I fear them leaving me in life by choice more than them dying, possibly. If there was no afterlife, could you handle it? Uh, I have to???? I wouldn't be aware of anything????? When in life did you feel the most care-free? Obviously as a child. Are you well-hydrated? Do you like water? Technically, no. I drink about two bottles a day I'd say, but that's not actually enough. I'm not a big fan of water, but. I do it for my health. Has an animal ever peed on you? Lol Venus did once when she was chilling on me for a long time, and some rodents I've had probably have. What would make a cool substitute color for the sun? Let her be p i n k. Which do you prefer: purple or pink? Can you guess??? What is your favorite color of the sunset/sunrise? *screams in pink* Is purple a good color for a car? Yaaaas. Do you prefer green or purple/red grapes? Purple. The green ones usually aren't firm enough for my taste. What color is your birthstone? Purple. Do you prefer hardly toasted at all or burnt toast? Barely toasted. Do you prefer guitar or piano music? Guitar if it's electric, but otherwise usually piano. Have your parents ever suspected something untrue about you? I don't believe so. Have you ever wished you’d been born someplace else? Yup. I'd far rather prefer to have not been born here. Have you ever had, or wanted, a pet ferret? Wanted. What’s a habit you find gross? Smoking. What’s the worst tattoo you’ve ever seen? This girl got her boyfriend's name a c r o s s  h e r  f a c e. What’s your favorite name ever? Alessandra. Think of how you used to be 3 years ago: how do you feel about who you were back then? Depressed as fuck. What’s the strangest fortune you’ve ever gotten from a fortune cookie? None come to mind. Do people ever force you to eat? Biiiitch you ain't gotta force me lmao. Is there a TV show you’ve wanted to start watching but never gotten around to? When I actually watched TV, uh... I'm not sure. When’s the last time you felt pressured to do something you didn’t really want to do? Not sure. Who was the last person to mess with your feelings? Mini. When was the last time you were in denial about something? What about? Boy, so many "I dunno"-type answers lol. I'm not really one for denial. Is there any certain style of architecture you really enjoy? GOTHIC. What was the last thing you gave up on? Colleen. 110% done with her ass. How easy is it for you to talk to someone else about your feelings? IT'S HARD. If you watch Parks and Recreation, who is your favorite character? Don't watch. Do you like watching documentaries? About animals, yes. What’s the last DIY project you did, if any? If you can’t remember, what’s something you’d be interested in doing? I've never done one. I suppose I'd like some Halloween ones I've seen. When’s the last time you had a problem that nobody could help you with? Recently. Friendship stuff. Do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? Why do you despise them? No. How many times a week do you shower? Is this a healthy thing for you? Four, usually. It's good for me. How many times a day do you eat a full meal? Is this a healthy thing to you?  Like... maybe only once. Or none. What’s your favorite movie? Why do you like this movie so much? The Lion King. Who doesn't love it??? What’s your favorite genre of movies? Why is this?  Horror. They just give me adrenaline, and I think about what if that actually happened. How many times a day do you say I love you? Who to usually? Always before bed to Sara. Sometimes multiple times a day to her. Always to Mom if she's leaving to go somewhere for a while. Do you prefer hoodies or jackets? Why do you prefer this choice? Hoodies. Just more comfy to me. Have you ever contemplated suicide before? Ever attempted it before? Contemplated a million times. Attempted once. Do knives scare you? Is it from watching scary movies? Yes, and no. They have horrifying potential to cause serious pain and warrant torture. Then I was running to slit my throat the night of the breakup, but Mom had to physically stop me, so I'm just. Uncomfortable around them. What would you consider to be the worst television channel out there? MTV. Have you ever had anyone drop off animals at your house and what kind? No. Do you remember when some of the Walmarts had a McDonald’s in them? Both the two in my area still do. When was the last time you were stung by a bee and what kind was it? Early spring, maybe? It was a bumblebee. Do you know anyone personally who had their house burn down before? Yes. Do you think the media can further manipulate our teenagers anymore? HAHAHAHA IT'LL NEVER END. Have you ever had someone sympathetically lie to make you feel better? Probably. Do you know anyone who has their septum pierced and does it look painful? Yes, and for me personally, yes, because I have thick cartilage. Has anyone ever kissed you in the rain and did it seem romantic at the time? Yeah, and I guess. When was the last time you listened to a genre of you music you despise? A couple days ago in the car. "IDFC" by Blackbear came on and I love that song okay. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? No. Does your ex still think about you? Probably not. Honestly, who is the last person to tell you that they love you? Sara. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? More like literally all night with a few pauses. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Have you ever been to an auto show? When I was very young because our family friend invited us to one. I was too young to stay home alone. Do you know anyone who still doesn’t have a smart phone? Maybe. Have you ever been on a cruise? No. Have you ever had an x-ray? Yes. What is your favorite Thanksgiving food? Honey ham, but I can't eat it anymore. What letter does your surname begin with? "D." Did you have a New Years kiss this year? No. Do you prefer to eat carrots raw or cooked? I hate carrots so much. What was the first video game you remember playing? Spyro. What is your favorite flavor of Skittles? Red. Have you ever met a famous political figure? No. What’s your go-to website when you’re really bored? I guess Facebook if it's been some hours since I looked. What is your favorite chocolate bar? The Reeses one made of little rectangles. But if you mean like, a *traditional* bar, Milky Way. What is your least favorite Sour Patch Kids color? Orange. Have you ever seen the movie Matilda? Yesss, adore it. Are you allergic to nuts or diary products? No. Do you have trust issues? "Pistanthrophobia: fear of trusting people due to past experience and relationships gone wrong." Do you think age matters in relationships? In romantic ones, yes it does if one is a juvenile. I can't find anything morally wrong with adults and big gaps, but they creep me out regardless. Has anyone ever called the cops on you? No. Have you ever had your nails so long that they curved down at the ends?
 Omg no. Do you always wear flip flops no matter what the weather is? Is this??????? A direct attack????????? Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty feet? No, but it'd creep me the fuck out. If you don’t have one already, would you consider getting an iPhone? I want one. Who would you consider your favorite stand-up comedian? Living, not sure. Actually, probably Gabriel Iglesias. Would you say you’re too experienced or too inexperienced for your age? The latter. What is your favorite neon color? Ever buy nail polish that color? Pink. I don't paint my nails. Has anyone ever mistaken you to be a member of the opposite sex? No. Would you ever consider yourself over-dramatic? Not usually, but I can be. How often do you text people? Who do you text the most? Everyday, and Sara. What would you consider your second choice as a dream career? I really don't know. Both my dream jobs aren't obtainable for me, but uh. I guess something involving art. What is the longest amount of time you’ve played video games consecutively? Ha, definitely when a new WoW expansion came out. Can't remember if I played WoD or Legion longer in one go. Do you ever use cheats when you play video games? The kind that makes shit easier, no. Aesthetic changes, sure. Does your family go 'all out’ during the holidays? No. What’s your favorite kind of lunch meat to put on a sandwich? Ham, when I ate meat. When will you next see the person you love or are in love with? OCTOBER 3RD. Do you have anything that’s limited edition?
 Maybe? How well can you handle vulgar things (i.e. gore, disturbing images, etc)?
 I have a pretty high tolerance. But not so much at like disgusting medical issues. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? I'm most likely marrying a girl. And I'm a girl, so. Who was the last male you hung out with? My dad! Who is your favorite person to text? Sara. She texts just like she talks, so I actually have interesting and more "real" conversations with her. What’s one nickname your family calls you? Just "Britt," really. Has anyone ever mistaken you for being gay/lesbian/bi? I had a therapist once who thought I was gay in middle school, so before I realized I was bi. Explain why you last threw up? A medicine I was on REALLY didn't like me. Ever kissed your best friend's significant other? That would be me. :'D But if you don't count Sara, no. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? Nooope. Would you ever want to ride in a canoe? I'd love to!!! Gay marriage: love is love or a horrible stand against God? Fuck any "loving" god who thinks consensual, sincere love is evil. Honestly. I will never be able to fathom how I was once against it. Do people tell you that you have an accent? No. Have you ever had an eating disorder? No. Do you prefer road trips or traveling on an airplane? Road triiiips! Do you enjoy tanning? Not at all. Have you ever seen The Breakfast Club and what’s your opinion of it? I didn't get the hype at all. Have you ever touched a dead body? Dead pets. Which of the seven deadly sins do you commit the most? Sloth. Did you have a Furby when you were younger? Yes. Demonic creatures. What part of your body are you self-conscious about? Everything???? But my stomach more than anything. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Have you ever been drunk at school or work? Nah. Have you finished school yet? I'm resuming college in January. What is your favorite kind of fruit juice? Mango and peach. Have you ever used a muscle stimulator before? Did it hurt? No. Have you ever done anything dangerous enough to have risked your life? Overdosing. Other things that we don't really think about too, like driving. Do you consider yourself egotistical? Do people call you egotistical? Not at all. I don't think anyone has? What gives you anxiety? So much, but I'll try to list those I can think of. Socializing (especially with those I don't know well), deciding the appropriate amount of eye contact when talking, making phone calls, driving, public speaking, being beside 18-wheelers, talking about things I'm really really passionate about, asking for things, awkward silences, answering the door for anyone (like when pizza is delivered and such), most men making even the slightest move that could be seen as flirting, and the list goes on and on. Could you ever be a medical guinea pig? Fuck that. Whats your favorite letter of the alphabet? "Z," maybe. Or "x." Whats your favorite Disney movie? TLK. "Finding Nemo" is right behind it. Have you ever handled a snake? Plenty of times. Could you ever be a living organ donor? For my mom, Dad, Sara, or my sisters, yes. Mom only has one kidney so I'd give up one of mine in a heartbeat if the last one was going. Have you ever contemplated suing someone? No. Have you ever drawn on a sleeping or inebriated person? No. Is it acceptable or unacceptable to smack a child as form of discipline? Fuck no. What’s your favorite way to dress? I feel most like myself in a gothic or metalhead look. What movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? My best bet of calming down via media is watch Mark. Probably go to old favorites. No movie is guaranteed to help me. Playing Silent Hill can soothe me, though. Ironically. Primarily the second. I think its the subtle ambiance and the steady footsteps that just relax me a bit. BUT SH2 also has my favorite soundtrack, so the actual music in it just does it for me. Do you believe in auras? I think I might? The concept is very interesting and some people really are talented at picking up the vibes of others. Animals are especially talented at that. What instrument do you wish you could master? Guitar. What do you put on hotdogs? When I ate them, ketchup and mustard. Do you have an unpopular opinion? What is it? Guacamole is fucking disgusting. Have you ever legitimately saved a person's life? No. What's your favorite book genre? Tbh, if I was to start reading again, I almost feel like it'd be something like teen/young adult romance???? Or fantasy, idk. Actually why not both. Do dogs like you? No joke, I've never had a dog be wary of me for more than a minute or so when first meeting me, rarely even that. Even when I go to others' houses and they have a usually uncertain dog, it's always pointed out that it's strange how (s)he takes to me so quickly.

[fallingforsincerity]

massive brain dump

it’s been a while since i had these thoughts resurface. Maybe because I had some more free time thanks to covid19 to think or maybe because it’s also Pride month. who knows. have a lot of rambling to get out of my head.

As someone who is trans but has not transition, sometimes you get many feelings and you need validation. what better way to get that but by watching youtube videos lol. There is something validating to hear someone say that your experience as being trans is valid no matter who says otherwise. Like how can it not when we all live in so different circumstances and environments. I get it, being passing to cis people feels good but not every has that opportunity nor cares. End of the day the moment some shitty cis person finds out your trans, nothing and I mean nothing can make them look at you the same ever again. Watching that youtube video, I didn’t realize that there are trans people out there that if you don’t experience dysphoria that the way they felt then your feelings and experiences aren’t validated. Like I’m sorry are you the gender police??? Like life is hard already trying to get cis people to understand and now I gotta deal with people who stand at the same side, who’d you think would understand the struggle, be part of the struggle. Like i’m sorry I didn’t get the gender handbook when I was born, didn’t know there was rules to follow in order to be considered trans. Not to say their feelings of dysphoria and needing to pass aren’t valid, of course they are. But doesn’t mean i agree with the one track mindedness about being trans. Because my experiences and environment shaped that. Does it mean I’m less queer or less trans than other people? Heck no! There is no lgbtq+ scale where you step on and you get a rating. like ah yes you are a 5 out 5 trans because you met all our trans criteria. Does this not sound like the stupidest thing??? 

rambly rambly rambly rambly

i don’t often talk about being trans....just because for me it’s kind of an uncomfortable topic. To the general public I look like a “feminine/ pretty boy” and don’t have to deal with the whole “oh you’re trans” situation, so for me to go out of my way to be out as trans to people I know, is very awk and makes me uncomfortable. Luckily because this tumblr and I don’t necessarily mention my tumblr to people I know, I’m not as scared or uncomfortable talking to strangers on the internet who may never know me in real life about this kind of thing. It’s pretty freeing tbh. I think the hardest part is because I haven’t fully transition that as an adult having to deal with workspaces and paper work gives me anxiety. The one thing I deff loved about being in art college was that I was able to live my life and because there are so many different people with such open minds, that I didn’t feel weirded out about having tell people my pronouns or minding too much about people knowing I was trans. But that took getting used to. As someone who is super closeted about this, it takes so much effort to release all that anxiety that is built up over the years. I didn’t even tell my closest friends and family until part way through my college life when I was finally able to come to terms with a lot of things. Bless my roommates who were so encouraging, understanding, and loving. I don’t think I would have been able to live my life as really who I was and being affirmed without them. 

Having to come back to live at home is a whirlwind of emotions and anxiety. At one hand I enjoy the comfort of financial stability and seeing my family, but on the other hand it brings back all the anxiety and forces me back to a point of life that I had lived before my college years. I’ve talked about this before, but from quite a young-ish age I knew deep down that I am a boy. Simple case, always been uncomfortable having any relation to being a female. To this day because I’m not out to everyone, I get so uncomfortable when someone goes “oh you are such a tomboy.” The anxiety and stress about fearing whether or not you can come out as trans and not knowing the reaction of those people is so deeply rooted in me it’s unreal. I just want to live a quiet life as a boy and not have to deal with any of that. Pretty sure many if not all trans people feel the same way, they just want to live as who they are and not be bothered by it all the time. 

Being Asian especially a 1st gen Asian American makes navigating being trans and queer really hard. These type of topics aren’t spoken about in the Asian community. I can probably count on my one hand people who I know personally who are asian + trans and have come out about it or spoken about it before. In Asian communities, being part of the lgbtq+ community is taboo. It’s almost seen like a disease. Sometimes I’m just so envious that my western counterparts have a bit more freedom in able to express or talk about being lgbtq+. Not saying it’s all sunshine and rainbows for them but like the way Asians (especially the older generation) act its like that doesn’t exist. Like there is no such thing as being trans, no such thing as being gay, no such thing as blah blah blah. That’s the struggle, if it is out of the norms, it does not exist. I keep thinking back to this one clip where the guy talks about how it’s not that they don’t want to acknowledge that it exist, they just don’t want you their child to have it so they deny it. What I’m saying is, this “taboo” of speaking of lgbtq+ and whatnot really made it hard for me to understand what was going on in my mind. I struggled for years to come to terms and even find the terms to describe myself. It was only when tumblr kind of took off roughly in 2009, when I first even heard of the word trans or bigender and yada yada. Having to navigate thru everything all at once was like a beginner level swimmer being thrown in to the middle of the Pacific ocean blindfolded and told to swim to America. I’m surprised I even made it to the land when tumblr at that time was a free for all, the amount of posts exploded, so different as to right now (which is kind of quiet). 

If I, who was the trans person, didn’t understand all this, imagine my environment. Not saying I had a bad time, just a very uncomfortable and stressful time. The one thing I found solace in was that in games, I didn’t need to present my trans-ness. I was able to escape who I was brought up and seen as (aka female) and live who I was in my games. I didn’t have to be labeled as trans, I was just me being a boy. I’ve mentioned this all before, but even in things where i used to role-play with my friends I always presented as a male. I hated the way I felt when I was referred to as she/ her when I was a kid, still uncomfortable to this day but given the circumstances I have to live with it. There are some moments in my life looking back that if I could change the way I had to present as a female at that time I would 100% redo that moment. But this isn’t those reincarnation manga’s i’ve been reading so live and forget, i’d say. 

Going back to being Asian, I’m very lucky that my mom because of her experiences shaped her to be opened minded, my father on the other hand while may be open to some things is still deep down the conservative south east asian. Though I’ve come out to my mom, she doesn’t understand me being trans nor does she really acknowledge the fact that I am a male. I’m always going back and forth with her having calling me her daughter in her mother tongue and me having to correct her every time and her saying no your my daughter. Shit gets fucking old real fucking fast. It’s a hell lot to navigate when you have to move back home. I miss my college life because of that freedom from that denial, freedom to really express who i am and able to figure that out in a safe welcoming environment. Coming all the way back to my point lol i’m just deeply uncomfortable outing myself as trans. It was affirming to hear in that youtube video I was watching that many trans people don’t want to be outed, that it’s okay to stealth because bringing up being trans is tiring. Like I am a male, i don’t want to have to bring up me being trans all the time, makes me really understand the want or need to be passing. Like do people not realize that if there was a magical change your gender button, we would not hesitate to press it? If i could had been born into a male body i’d be a regular cis male, no question about it. But life doesn’t work that way. I honestly, wished I had the knowledge and money back when I was younger. Maybe i’d be able to navigate and live my life as who I am earlier. Now i gotta figure things out, and present myself to those who already know and not want them to look at me as a trans person but as just a normal regular person. What a difficult matter this is. One could only wish. That being said still trying to navigate my way on transitioning and whatnot. Living in a dominantly Asian community made up of older folxs doesn’t lend itself to give you resources to access on these kinds of topic. When this whole pandemic thing and we get the whole nation reformed I’ll go searching for some resources. As long as I live here back home, i don’t think i’ll be able to live freely. 

rambly rambly rambly

lately i’ve been consuming a lot of josei manga especially those harlequinn mangas. god damn are those manga one shots so infuriating like COME ON JUST LEAVE THE MAN, DON’T GET BACK WITH HIM. Every goddamn manga is the same, the girl meets the greek tycoon/ rich british snob/ arabian prince gets pregnant, gets her heart broken and leaves him, guy find out he has a kid and forces her back, goes thru misunderstanding for 2 pages, then kiss kiss fall in love. Like it is the same every god forsaken time and yet I still get all angry lmao. I should know it by now why am I still silently screaming at 4am reading these mangas. I know what happens yet i’m still screaming LEAVE HIM, DON’T TAKE HIM BACK, BE YOUR OWN WOMAN WHO DOESN’T NEED NO MAN. I find myself laughing at myself because I put myself in that situation when I read it and then I get angry when I chose to read it lol. If I wasn’t so camera shy I’d have great reaction videos and livestreams of me when I read manga. Cause I talk to myself a lot when I’m reading manga, it’s kind of funny. 

On that light note i’m just gonna end this rant. I’m sleepy and I think i dumped out all the thoughts that’ve been accumulating at the back of my head out. Till next time!!

[the-evolving-falcon]

💓 💙 💚 💜 for your OTP of all OTPs Shun/Reiji )

[AFSkhasfklasgll SQUEEEEE!!! A HOSTAGE ASK FOR A HOSTAGE STARVED- Errrm… *clears throat* Y-yeah, I suppose, I can do it.

💓: who initiates most physical contact?

At the beginning of their relationship, it is definitely Shun. It is far easier for him to adapt to new circumstances (aka making at least one exception to this being emotionally stunted thing) and the amount of general fucks he gives is a clear minus 11. Well, that and he’s been taking care of his little sister completely on his own from the invasion of his home up until her abduction, so the concept of exchanging physical affection with a loved one itself is not an alien one to him - unlike for Reiji, who has never shared a single genuine bond with anyone before Shun. 

(I could kinda go on a tangent about how Shun, too, had to initially force himself to be affectionate with Ruri and physically comfort her, but for now, let’s just say that in Shun’s case, too, being physically affectionate is an acquired skill and not a trait he was born with to not get too far away from the original topic lol)

As their relationship progresses, however, it becomes pretty equal. Shun doesn’t like being the only active partner and is very quick to call Reiji a passive rag doll- which prideful perfectionist Reiji definitely doesn’t like- and Reiji himself just needs to get used to simply being able to touch and be affectionate with the one he likes whenever he wants, and there isn’t really anything he could do wrong other than not doing anything at all because he’s anything but passive in nature, and he’s not the type to be satisfied with Shun taking the initiative all the time for long either.

Contrary to this, however, I believe that prior to them entering a relationship or establishing that there is indeed mutual attraction between them, Reiji’d actually be the one to initiate most physical contact. Given his role in Shun’s last comrade’s death/loss of physical form, it understandably takes a considerable amount of time for Shun to place any kind of trust in Reiji even after Reiji is able to see the true extent of Shun’s intellect and thus tells him the truth, apologizes, and instead treating him like a rampant animal to be put on a leash, actually begins to treat him as a valued ally. Almost everything nice he says and does for him will be brushed off as ‘An attempt to manipulate me into becoming personally loyal to him after I’ve turned out to be more useful than Akaba expected’ ….and other not-so-kind suspicions and Shun’ll be perfectly open about his lack of interest in making nice with him on top of it, making it clear that in the end, words are ultimately meaningless. And that, I believe, is what’ll give birth to small touches initiated by an already-crushing Reiji (harmless things like placing his hand on Shun’s shoulder, patting his head, briefly caressing his cheek), who has realized that he’ll not get through to him with words alone, but still wants to be sincere and support the walking disaster he is aiming to become close with. Cue a very confused and conflicted affection-starved Shun, who for some reason cannot bring himself to slap his hand away.

💙: who is more protective?

Shun is more openly protective, and he’ll speak up and react pretty harshly if something is said or done to Reiji without Reiji realizing that people shouldn’t be treating him like this in particular (e.g. Reiji’s mother taking her parading Reiji around as a living and breathing trophy too far), and he’d of course (physically) protect Reiji at the cost of his life as well. Reiji’s brand of protectiveness, on the other hand, shows more in Shun’s absence. Talk about his sole survivor status or him having fought a losing war for three years without mentally shattering or anything related it with disrespect (e.g. Shun’s inability to live as a proper civilian), and Reiji’ll verbally destroy the one in question. Oh, and I personally wouldn’t want to be one of those having played a direct hand in destroying Shun’s life and run into Reiji either.

That being said, they both know that the other is perfectly capable of standing his ground and doesn’t need to be treated like a helpless damsel, so while they’ll aggressively support one another, they have no intention of trying to turn the other’s personal fight into their own.

💚: who tends to get sick more often? who is better at taking care of the other?

Reiji definitely ends up taking care of Shun more often. Not as though Shun is prone to getting sick in the slightest, but boy has no concept of actually listening to his body’s screams for rest, and he’s also the one doing more of the literal fighting in their combo of badassery. Shun’s an incredibly shitty patient, though, because he’ll always make a point to brush Reiji’s instructions to rest and recover properly off as him ‘fussing over trivialities’, so 0/10 recommend lolAt least, Reiji has the patience of a saint - especially since he easily sees the root of Shun’s behavior - and Shun WILL get at least slightly better about taking care of himself when he’s feeling unwell too. 

💜: who said “i love you” first? or, if neither has said it yet, who is more likely to say it first?

Neither’s the type for that, and they both find verbal affection to be incredibly cringy because in the end, verbal proclamations of affection don’t amount to anything and the more you repeat them, the more they lose their impact and meaning.

…Meaning, if either of them says the three words, he either has to be dying (either), heading for his death (Shun), watching the other die (either), or trying to keep the other from getting himself killed (Reiji), so yeah they will probably only say these words once in their entire lifetime ^^’

On a less serious note, Reiji could also say it accidentally when he thinks Shun doesn’t hear him and is too busy gushing about Shun to realize that shit, he actually said his thoughts out loud >///once, dumbass, so you better listen carefully.” - with Shun cringing immediately after, but hey, at least, he got his point across :D :D But… nah, there are far too many conditions for either of these to happen, so let’s stick with the horrible angsty version for now lol]

[meet-me-at-kingsmeet]

Why I don’t like the OT3 (Damen/Laurent + Erasmus)

This obviously involves shipping in the fandom so please read this post and understand I’m not making this to personally attack anyone.

Conditioning definition:

have a significant influence on or determine (the manner or outcome of something). Synonyms: constrain, control, govern, determine, decide

Bring (something) into the desired state for use. Synonyms: treat, prepare, prime, temper, process, acclimatize, acclimate, season

I’m going to be using this word a lot. It can have types of meaning, depending on how it’s used. There can be innocent, cute ways such as giving your crush a piece of candy every time they see you, so when they see you they think of candy. But we’re not talking about that. We’re discussing slavery and it’s affect on relationships. Human Conditioning is “the characteristics, key events, and situations which compose the essentials of human existence, such as birth, growth, emotionality, aspiration, conflict, and mortality.” Basically, how treatment and situations affects you as a person. It’s often talked about how it can be used sadistically against humans and their nature (i. e. slavery) (It’s quite an interesting psychological study and I recommend anyone who likes psychology learn a bit about it!).

Let me start off by saying in most fandoms I let people ship whatever they want. For the most part I don’t think most of fandom stuff is harmful (some truly can be don’t get me wrong). I’,m an extremely open minded person. Both online and irl. It is one of the things I truly actually respect about myself. Captive Prince is a bit different though. It touches sensitive subjects and already has discourse surrounding it, so I automatically am very particular about what I feel and do in the fandom (of course i sometimes mess up or change my feelings/ideas about something, I’m only human and it’s bound to happen). However I’ve come across this ship for weeks and it’s been bothering the absolute fuckery out of me and i can’t not express myself anymore on why it’s bothering me.

Now Erasmus was the only character I liked book one and half way through book two. I don’t say that lightly. I didn’t like Damen, or Laurent, or Nicaise, or anybody. Erasmus showed up and I was like “oh thank fuck finally, a character who doesn’t annoy the absolute fuckery out of me.” So he’s very special in my heart.

And… boy. BOY.

Erasmus has been trained since he was a child to be a [pleasure] slave. Now I live in an area that has a high percentage rate of human trafficking, so I’m going to talk about something that’s very upsetting and real. There was a girl whose parents sold her into human trafficking as a baby. Her whole life she was a sex slave. Yes, there are disgusting human beings out there who have sex with two year olds. And she was a victim of that. By the time she was 18/19 (around Erasmus’ age) She had been rescued. After lots of therapy and attempts to help her learn and understand how society morally is (not the trafficking society she was raised in), she still had trouble understanding what happened to her was wrong. She didn’t comprehend that being a sex slave as a child was wrong, and didn’t understand that she was rescued. It’s all she knew. There are lots more awful stories like this, too many. But human trafficking is modern sex slavery. That’s it. Period. So here is definitive example of human conditioning in sex slavery.

Akielos had this fetishized ideology that if they didn’t beat their slaves or have sex with them when they were children, that it was perfectly okay! Damen believed this 100% and didn’t even really see slaves as people (because he was raised with the idea that slaves were property). Erasmus was conditioned since a child (at least starting at age 11/12) to be a sex slave. And before that, probably a regular palace slave (it’s most likely he was born/sold into slavery at an extremely young age, especially considering how obedient he is).

That is the same exact shit this poor girl went through. At a young age, sold into [sex] slavery. Now brains work in different ways I understand this. Look at Kallias for example: Kallias was a sex slave, raised just as Erasmus, but he was a bit more rebellious. He outwardly would state/express in some way that he wanted to be with Erasmus and be free. He only remained obedient for reasons I will assume like: Wanting to remain close to Erasmus, not wanting to be punished, not being able to obtain a job and survive (Meaning, perhaps slaves can’t work if they’re disobedient, and he was also a high rank slave being Kastor’s main slave and all. He probably hoped for a bit more freedoms coming with being a High ranking noble’s). But his personality was definitely more rebellious than Erasmus’. Who was straight up obedient to a fault.

Erasmus was training to be Damen’s slave. Lykaios was also Damen’s main slave. How did Damen describe her as she was being murdered? Something along the lines of “soldiers didn’t even need to forcefully kill her. If they asked her to show her neck to cut it, she would obey.” THAT IS THE KIND OF SLAVES DAMEN OWNED. So don’t try and tell me that Erasmus, the sweet little angel who would try to not cry out when he was being tortured with fire, not because he didn’t want to be hurt, but because he wanted to obey, was not trained to the point where if Damen told Erasmus to take a sword to the throat he would (spoiler: he would).

So far: Erasmus has been trained and conditioned since childhood (an early development phase in which affects a person through the rest of their lives) to obey all royalty or higher rankings without question, specifically King Damianos.

I’ll circle back around to this but let’s turn our focus onto Laurent and Damen. The second main reason I don’t like this ot3 is because it’s so out of character. Like above and beyond. I’m gonna break it down through each character:

Laurent:

Even as a child was an introverted bookworm. Did not really have any friends besides his brother, Auguste

First sexual relationship was a nonconsensual relationship between him and his Uncle (whether Laurent was aware of it as wrong/nonconsensual during the time is unknown. Metas have talked about both cases. Personally I believe he didn’t, and was groomed prior to the relationship becoming fully sexual)

Laurent became known as “frigid” in the Kingdom for his active showing dislike of sex (at least having sexual relations himself).

Spent months accepting he loved Damianos

Still suffered from the trauma of his sexual abuse (“Yes, Uncle,” automatically getting on his hands and knees to have sex with Damen in PG, dissociating as if it was common practice when he was almost raped in PG, being shocked when Damen wanted to kiss Laurent even after Damen had finished in his mouth, etc)

Laurent is described by Damen in Summer Palace that he “kissed Damen like he never wanted to kiss anybody else”

Damen:

Owned slaves/ viewed slaves as property

Was known to be a big slut (no slut-shaming LOL this has a point)

Laurent being the only person he has ever had an emotional connection to (“It’s…it’s never like this”).

In book one actively treated/spoke to Erasmus as if Erasmus was lower rank. Attempted to protect him yes, but not to no longer be a slave, but to give him/sell him to better masters.

Laurent is an extremely sensitive and vulnerable character who, due to his prolonged abuse, has extreme difficulty with all kinds of relationships. Damen works well with Laurent because he doesn’t take shit from Laurent, even when he was a slave, and never used his size as a tactic to scare Laurent. They are equal rank, therefore they see each other  mentally as equals. There’s lots of wonderful meta’s on Damen and Laurent’s relationship so i’ll stop there.

Now why is Damen/Laurent okay but not Erasmus? Well, first of all Damen and Laurent are exact equal rank; Prince and Prince, then King and King. “but Damen was a slave too, just like Erasmus!” It’s canon that Damen never once saw himself as a slave, and laurent admitted to knowing that Damen was never truly a slave. If Damen had wanted to, he could have killed Laurent/been free. Every abusive thing laurent did was a tactic of revenge for Damen killing Auguste. If he hadn’t known it was Prince Damianos, Laurent would have let Damen go.  Secondly, Damen was not trained like Erasmus. Damen was brought up as a child that he was the prince. He is higher rank. He is boss and in charge. Damen knew this, thrived off it when he was laurent’s “slave.” Every time laurent asked him to do something he did it, but the back of his mind always said “this is survival. You are not a slave. When you are free (notice it’s ‘when’ and not ‘if’) you will have your own revenge.” This is a strong mind that was built into Damen’s brain. In fact, he had more of a confidence/control rank over Laurent because Laurent was constantly scared and saw himself as second-best (mostly not even best, just second choice).

Circling back to the beginning, Erasmus was raised as a slave. There is no “when you’re free” or “This is survival, you’ll be free soon and you’ll be a king.” No!! Erasmus’ thought process was “Don’t scream no matter how much it hurts because your masters don’t want you to scream.” Damen had to protect Erasmus because Damen knew what protecting was. Erasmus didn’t. Whatever his masters wanted he did. Even if he felt they were being abusive his only true worry was that he didn’t understand what he was doing wrong.

Damen knew the abuse was wrong and was waiting for the opportunity to be free again and take his rightful place as king. Erasmus didn’t understand what he was doing wrong to prompt the abuse. That’s the difference of their minds and how different they’ve been conditioned to think.

Laurent actively hates slavery through every book. There’s lots of great metas about how it’s because he understands what it’s like to be forced into doing things (specifically sexually), and how much of a mindfuck it is to be conditioned to think a certain (abusive)  way.

So far part II: Damen would never see himself as equal rank with Erasmus because he never once saw himself as a slave. Erasmus would always feel beneath Damen and Laurent. One, because he will always see himself as a lower rank, being trained as a slave/to think of himself as property since he was a child, and second because he was specifically trained for several years to bend completely to whatever Damianos desired. Laurent would feel uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone outside of Damen because of his past abuse. Damen would never be able to have an emotional connection with Erasmus because the only person he’s experienced that with is Laurent, who is the same rank as him, and it took three fucking books for them to gain such an intense emotional connection.

He [Erasmus] was specifically trained for several years to bend completely to whatever Damianos desired. There’s obviously a lot to go off of from this, but Erasmus will never be able to be “reconditioned” by royalty, specifically Damen, because no one will ever know if he is able to think like a free man, or if he is still only doing what his “masters” are telling him to do. (Basically, imagine you do a love spell: Do they love you because they truly love you? Or do they love you because of the spell? That’s what Erasmus’ “teaching” would be like.)

Let’s really think about this: There is nothing different between Torveld being in a relationship with Erasmus, and Damen being in a Relationship with Erasmus. It’s not good. It’ll never be equal, and Erasmus will always see himself as a lower rank. Even if he is taught not to see himself as lower.

Even if he is not taught to see himself as lower. Slavery may be gone, but even the most close in rank and best friend of Damen, Nikandros, still spoke to Damen starting his words off with “exalted”. Erasmus would say that and be reminded of his lower rank. Maybe it’s nice to think “aw but Damen would never make him say it” jkdsnfskdjc If Damen has Nik do it you b e t Erasmus would have to do it.

I’m not saying Damen/Laurent can’t be nice to Erasmus. But a relationship? No no.

But  "Erasmus could learn how to not think like a slave by hanging out with the very person who he was trained for"

See: ‘love spell’ example

Reconditioning someone’s brain can take years and constant work at it. Damen and Laurent are Kings. They don’t have time to do that. Especially when they have their own personal issues they’re still dealing with (Laurent’s past, Damen’s time as a Slave, probs other shit too). They need to focus on each other and themselves.

And this is saying that Laurent/Damen is okay with having a third person in their very special relationship:

Erasmus would act like a slave →  Laurent would feel uncomfortable → Damen wouldn’t notice immediately because of how he was raised →  Laurent would probably get upset with damen for not noticing → arguing → Erasmus becoming upset for ‘causing problems’

But LMAO: Damen was jealous/worried about Laurent hanging out alone with women in Adventures of Charls. Even with their relationship so loving and stable, and Laurent being explicitly not interested in women, Damen was still jealous. Not to mention, Laurent doesn’t seem to get jealous, but he does get insecure. Damen treating someone else the same as Laurent would probably make Laurent feel unimportant or second-choice.  

And Torveld too!! NO! That’s literally a relationship that could never be truly equal and healthy! Because he bought Erasmus as a slave. Like yeah thanks Torveld for having basic human decency and not abusing human beings just because they’re slaves but, you’re not really reaching very far! Sksgksjdskbf Like Laurent sent Erasmus to Torveld because it was the best option at the time. Not because he felt Erasmus would be freed/experience freedom. He is still a slave forced to have sex with a master (because as a slave he legally can’t say no).

I’m usually a very open and accepting person when it comes to fandom stuff. But other things just make me uncomfortable. And this is one of those things. I’ll be honest and say I ship Kallias and Erasmus hard af. I love them together. They’ve been through extremely similar experiences (born and raised as slaves). They’re best friends and love each other in every way. They’ve got that agonizing tragic ache of forbidden love which I am a sucker for. They’re the same age and rank. Kallias seems more able to jump into freedom, but he can also gentle help Erasmus understand the world. Kallias has been the only person to help Erasmus admit to wanting to see the world. Kallias could travel the world, any time with Erasmus, and they would both be so mesmerized by traveling, and there wouldn’t be “we have to stay at the palace” etc. it would be their own decisions based off what they, as free men, would want to do. Two people, who have been in love for years, finally being together as free men and traveling the world. How is that not the most romantic (and healthy) thing?!

My argument isn’t diminished because I ship them. Honestly, I’m fine with Erasmus with Kallias, or Isander, or some random guy he could meet while traveling the world, or even just being by himself and enjoying his freedom. I’m fine with any of that because it’s equal ranking and there won’t be any foul play. But being with Torveld or Damen/Laurent? Nah, it’s too ooc and unhealthy. That’s just how I feel.

[soovaryit]

I couldn’t decide whether to post this, because I felt the subject matter was too big and maybe I was privileged in too many ways to feel that my opinion is important. But after watching footage of the women’s marches around the world the day after Trumps inauguration, I got to thinking about protesting, about women voicing their opinions and what it was that made me worry about voicing mine. I’ve had a lot of conversations with people recently about the value of feeling angry. Some of them have made me angry (lol) and some have made me think about what right we have to tell people how to react to their, and others, injustices. Trump becoming elected is making people extremely angry and that is undeniably useful and a tool for change. Here is my opinion, from one person, in one place, at one time but hopefully something that can speak to all. The root of a lot of the anger and problems in the world are rooted in the problem of gender. From birth we are gendered. We are told if we don’t feel like we are taught (brainwashed) to feel, as our designated gender, then we can be ‘fixed’ or counselled until we accept it. We are told that when we are born into the wrong body that it cannot be true. But how can that be so when there is no truth in gender. There is biological sex and then there are the damaging ideals that are set alongside that. Instead of admit that gender is an inherently flawed societal construction, people are damaged by legislation telling them who they are and what to do with their bodies. There is no logic in that. As a society, we hurt them, oppress them, question them, fetishize them, and make them feel unsafe.  I am a cis white woman. I was born into a body that I feel belongs to me and I feel comfortable in my own kind of femininity which is one that is widely accepted by society. But that is something that not all people share and something so many take for granted. It cannot be disputed that as women are born into a culture of fear and of ‘too much’ or ‘never enough’ – destined for a life of inequality solely because we identify as women. This will be the case in varying extremes, depending on where you are born. I am fortunate that I was born into a part of the world where gender equality consistently improves in small ways. But striving for equality is a feat that will never be over, no matter how much it improves for you as an individual in the place that you are in the world.   I used to be afraid to call myself a feminist. I was afraid of the weight and the assumptions that the term held. I was afraid of what men would think of me being a feminist, because I have grown up to be conditioned to think about what men think. I was afraid of what women would think of me, especially women who already identified as feminists. I’d think maybe I didn’t know enough, maybe I haven’t read the right books, maybe they’ll question my dedication to the cause because I don’t always go to protests and I choose to shave my body hair. At this point in my life I wasn’t even aware that not ascribing to either gender was possible. Now I am proud to call myself a feminist because I recognise the urgency of the need for change all over the world.  It’s a complicated and difficult thing being a woman today. Even when you are aware of the ways in which you may have been unknowingly pressured into being feminine, and when you are aware of how fucked up it is that the archetypal beauty standard is western, thin, toned, small, symmetrical, hairless, long haired, blemish free and all the things that the majority of women are NOT, you still fight every day for peace of mind. You try to find justification everywhere you can that you have a right to be a woman in the way that you want to, without letting others dictate that. You can be as ‘woke’ as you want and yet you will probably find that these gender norms are so deeply, irretrievably ingrained into your existence that you can’t go a day without questioning a seemingly insignificant action or feeling guilty for going against the worlds ridiculous and reductive idea of what a woman (or man for that matter) is. You might remember the point at which you became aware that you were a woman. For me, that happened when I was 9 years old and my body was sexualised by cat callers for the first time. I cried, and I felt a deep sense of shame and embarrassment and a longing to feel safe in my body. For a lot of women, the realisation that their body was something to be objectified or owned by men would have been a lot more brutal, painful, and intolerable. But regardless, it’s in this moment that you realise that society will not let you forget your gender, in any situation.   We’re told we can’t be both sexy and intelligent. If we’re modest, we’re prudes, if we’re empowered by our sexuality, we’re sluts. If we’re opinionated and assertive, we’re bossy. If we weren’t born with a typical vagina, we aren’t a ‘real woman’. If we are too thin, we are not a ‘real woman’, yet we’re told to be thinner all over or bigger but only in all the right places. We’re sexualised to the point where feeding our babies from our breasts is something to be held against us. Something considered disgusting. If we choose to marry, we are oppressed and we have submitted to heteronormative, patriarchal ideas of romance. If we don’t find a partner we are lonely and left on the shelf. Some women don’t even have the choice to marry but are forced to, before their minds are even old enough to comprehend the concept of it. Some women are mutilated and raped in the name of culture or religion or because they were drunk but will still be assured that it is their fault, and not the fault of the perpetrator.  Victim blaming is a well-used and abused way to silence women. The majority of our struggles and troubles come from these ideas of gender difference that we choose to accept and reinforce and not discuss critically.  Feminism and female problems are often dismissed because if we take up too much space with our suffering, people with more privilege will be forced to feel just a fraction of the rage and the pain that we, collectively, have felt and they don’t want to. I used to think nothing of toning down my beliefs to retain friendships and relationships but now I see the damage caused by that, and the time that is wasted surrounding yourself with people who don’t allow you to be who you are. And for people who don’t understand this (of which there are MANY, a quick look on social media tells me). THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON MEN. It feels ridiculous the amount of times I have had to say to this before. The fact that some men make this about them is extremely telling of just how screwed the world is. Every time you try and take up women’s space by talking about male problems, you are proving our point and our desperate need for feminism in this day and age. Men have problems. Gender roles cause problems. Being in the patriarchal society that we are in oppresses them in ways too. And there is time and space to talk about that, but not when we are talking about female problems. I know so many great men who are proof that you can absolutely resist the toxic traits associated with masculinity and support women and be whatever kind of man you like. I literally burst with joy when I see the kindness and respect from my nephews and brother and men in my family and friend group who understand the struggle that women have in achieving basic rights and living a life they want to without reprimand, without fighting for it. Inspiring change in any way big or small is important. Every time I doubt myself now I think ‘where does it come from?’ And it never comes from inside me. It is something we are born into. The fear of telling our truth. The toxic trap of femininity and masculinity and the boxes it puts us into. Man up. Be a lady. Don’t cry like a girl. With Trump being elected, it feels like progress will stop and the hard work of many people to get closer to equality will be erased. But the strength and power, the ferociousness and raw emotion that comes from those women who marched, from all of us who are on their side, comes from suffering and wanting to be heard and understood.  Sometimes the truth will make you uncomfortable, but Trump is living, breathing proof of what ignorance and privilege can turn you into (see Mike Pence and Piers Morgan for further proof).Ignorance is not bliss, but a place where prejudice and discrimination and hate can grow uninterrupted.   The message I want to convey here is this: there is power in protest, in conversation, in confrontation. However you feel comfortable to stand up for yourself and those who are marginalised – do so. If you don’t feel confident enough in your beliefs to discuss them yet then read, absorb, watch, listen,be critical of the world around you and start to understand and feel the deep injustices, big and small, that women face. Remember that being intersectional is essential, to be the voices of women who have an even more difficult time being heard. If you want to - shout, scream, and make a fuss about it. Be angry. Think about history and how the horrific injustices of the past have not been rectified just because we are told to think they are. We don’t live in a post racial world. We don’t live in a world where genders are equal, and it is ignorant and lazy to think so. Don’t be tolerant of behaviour and actions that make you feel threatened and uncomfortable, regardless of the voice in your head (aka the patriarchy booo) that tells you to smile and be gentle and quiet. There is space for that, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t have to be your perpetual state of being just because it’s easier for others to swallow. Try and shed the guilt that you were born with and have been taught to hold on to just because it makes others’ lives easier. Educate yourself, find your strength in any way you can and remember there is no change too small to help in the challenge this world faces.

‘Don’t let anyone tell you the kind of  strength you should have when you’re the only one who feels the full impact of what life puts you through’ Samantha King  (@_samantha.king on instagram) ... and a link to an article by the glorious Eve Ensler about her thoughts on the march.   https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/jan/21/womens-march-donald-trump-inauguration?CMP=fb_guing

[deiupvote]

It's been a while since I've been able to update, I'm sorry if this post is as long as my prior one. Alot has happened in the last few months and I haven't been able to post information about it until now. It's nearly impossible to explain the situation without a long backstory so you'd have to have seen my prior post. I'll try to give a short summary here.https://ift.tt/2A6qbhq I spent almost 20 years living with my mother. I have 3 younger siblings. 16 of those years I suffered through abuse. Had her hold a knife to my neck, kicked me down the stairs frequently, beaten me with extension cords/bats/fists/chairs/belts/etc, beaten me unconscious & bloody countless times, verbally abusive aka telling me i was worthless and how she couldn't stand me or how I looked like my dad daily. I lost count of how many times I woke up to heavy closed fist punches to the face at like 3am on school days because the dishes weren't washed or I didn't fold her laundry or whatever and then being forced to do chores until I went to school. Teachers weren't helpful. Family turned a blind eye. My dad wasn't around. This wasn't once in a while. This was everyday. I didn't have much freedom as she rarely let me leave the house (Deadbolt lock on the front door and I wasnt allowed to have keys) or get a few hours of reprieve outside of school where I did horribly because the only thing I was interested in was people liking me instead of actual schoolwork. I've called the police on her a total about 2 times. She never got in trouble and the police generally believed her over me and she'd dismiss all my allegations. I was a really skinny kid, I was not a threat and I couldn't defend myself. Either way, I hated violence so I never raised a hand to her or took it out on anyone else. My only reprieve was all the ways I sabotaged her food, the satisfaction of making eye contact as she ate off of a spoon I rubbed between my buttcheeks or when she enjoyed a cup of my special home brew lipton tea. Lots of little malicious compliances which usually ended with punishment.It was just her and I (my older sister was taken away very early) until I hit my teens when my younger siblings were born (not all at the same time). She didn't beat them as bad and treated them fairly better. I was alone for most of it. I didn't really connect with them because they were always around her and I tried to minimize the time spent around my Mother when I hit my teens and after when I started having slightly more freedom. After abusing me for years then carrying on to abuse my siblings, lying to me about having a place to live if I went to college, countless other reasons, and her literally laughing at me when I told her I was homeless.. This is after I explained how it's been hard for me and how the abuse affected me. She's never owned up it. Never apologized. Nothing. I was done. I decided I was going to ruin her life. Regardless of whether it makes me a bad person or not. I had photos of my own bruises/cuts/etc saved from YEARS with my mother. My little sister sent me a few via social media. I compiled it all and went to CPS. They went with police to do a check and coincidentally got there while my mother was beating my sister. Cue an emergency removal and her losing her kids. I reached out to her job and made them aware she lied about her degree (I was the one who wrote all her resumes and etc). She lost her $75k+ salary job days later and got blacklisted. I even deleted every single gmail account and etc I made for her just because fuck her.But as this is an update and not a repost of how trash my past was, I'll try not to repeat myself too much.UpdateI'll give an update on me personally first. My camera was stolen and instead of trying to get another one, I decided to take a break from photography. I appreciate all of the support you guys gave me after my first post. It's been extremely hard, taking pictures was the only thing I really did that helped me feel okay but I'm learning to build resilience. In the mean time, I swallowed my pride and moved into a homeless shelter in my city specifically for people with jobs & a savings. I'll be able to continue saving while I work on bettering myself as a person. I created an action plan and mapped out all my goals and how I want to achieve them. Up until recently, I wasn't even planning on being alive. Sorry if that's too dark. I honestly always had these thoughts wishing my mother would have finished the job with me and made life easier. But as of late, I'm becoming more and more curious of what I'm capable of if I gave myself the chance. I've been able to visit my younger siblings and have gotten to know my little sister abit better because of the experience. I feel like a horrible person for admitting I still feel nothing for them or really anyone, but I won't let my feelings get in the way of the promise I made to myself or them. I've also only drank 3 times in the last 4 months compared to every other day in the past, which isn't great but its a change.My younger siblings are still with CPS but I can't go into detail. My mother was supposed to go to a hearing to get them back but things got complicated (important). My mothers best friend's son (who I've known 8yrs) does his best to relay all the shit my mother tells her while they talk on the phone all day. Things had gotten worse for her. She hasn't been keeping up with her mortgage payments. Her fiance, my youngest siblings dad, is no longer her fiance anymore and is trying to file for custody. I heard she was a wreck then went ghost but it didn't make me feel better. There weren't supposed to be any winners. Honestly, I wasn't even going to update. I initially just wanted to tell someone for once but one thing changed my mind. Something I was not expecting months after I set this all in motion. A phone call from my mother. In the past seeing her calls, even after movingg out, would set me on edge but that hasn't been the case lately. It was just another thing that happened. Just another event. Meaningless but at the same time... She always had my number but NEVER reached out. Even when things first started going to shit, I doubt she even gave me a second thought. But I'm sure you're all curious to know what was said.My mother is gone. A few weeks after my post, the state I'm in brought felony charges up against her. She left the country shortly after and went to her home country in South America. I have no idea how she was even allowed to leave but they didn't take her passport. She avoided specifics on that part. She mentioned staying with a family friend temporarily and tried to frame it as a short vacation. She didn't even start off with a hello, she started the conversation by ordering me to go somewhere quiet before launching into a sob story about how things have been going for her. This is after months of no contact. After laughing at me for being homeless and denying she ever abused me months ago. Just yammering away like it was nothing but I let her talk. It was surreal. I felt so cold just listening to her talk. It was like talking to a stranger. She mentions losing out on "so much money" and how she doesn't know how all it happened and then finally she hits the topic dujour.Cue her bringing up my little sister and the night of the emergency removal. She starts complaining about how she misses my little sister and brothers, mentions something about how it messes up tax season?, and then she had the audacity to start trying to convince me that I should go talk to the caseworkers for her to back up her claim that " she never abused them or me and I should know that..." She said that to me. After everything. Of all people. 9 minutes into the conversation. Like nothing ever happened. But it wasn't anything new. Of course I cut her off but at that point my mind was already made up. I asked her if she remembered when I used to make iced tea for her all those years. She was a little thrown off but said yes. I paused for a few seconds before slowly telling her in detail about all the ways i sabotaged her lipton iced tea. She tried interrupt me once but I didn't stop talking. I told her about how I'd always put too much sugar and she'd never taste it and keep drinking more which was why I always insisted. There was just silence on the phone but I know she was listening. I told her waiting until after dinner when I got home from school to shower so I could rub her spoons between my buttcheeks for maximum damage and how I'd mix it into her food to mask it. At this point I'm not even sure she's listening anymore but im still describing specific days I remember doing it that I know she would remember. She finally LOUDLY interrupts me screaming at me disgusting evil things. She cursed me the way she used to back in the days when shed be standing over me with an extension cord beating the skin off of me when I was younger. She's blaming me for ruining her life and how she wish she had a better child (All without knowing that I directly caused the destruction of her current life though she's speaking about the past). I just let her waste her breath. She couldn't touch me or my siblings. It only lasted a few seconds. Now I remember spending years daydreaming of all things I'd say to my mother if I had the chance but I just bottled it up with all my other baggage and kept trying to exist. A lot of people from my original post also gave me some ideas.When she finally shut her mouth I calmly told her "Look Mom, You don't know what abuse is and honestly its your own fucking fault this is all happening to you. Also, my bad for pissing in your iced tea." Then I just hung up the phone and blocked her number. That was the last day I drank. I haven't talked to her since. I'm not sure she's aware (or maybe she is) how bad of an idea it was to leave the country with all this going down, even if it was for a few weeks. At this point im done with her. I don't want an apology. I just want to move forward and be a better person. I know that's hard to believe after everything I just told you but it's the truth. I try my best to put as much positivity into the world and share it with the people around me as much as possible. But fuck her. I don't know if she knows it was me but I didn't tell her. I'm sure she can guess though if she really tried. Anyways.. That's my revenge. It's still actively fucking her life up but im not taking any active part in it. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I had a real family that loved me and I knew how to love back the right way. I wish I had a real relationship with my mother and none of those things happened. I wish I could have turned out like one of the happy people in the world but I can spend spend all day wishing. Sorry for the super long post. This is my last update. Wish me luck next year.TL;DR - My mother abused me for most of my life. I had to drop out of college and support myself after she basically drove me to homelessness. She laughs at me about me being homeless and denies abuse. So I ruined her life by reporting the abuse my siblings and I dealt with resulting in an emergency removal by CPS & her getting criminal charges, exposing her lies to her job which she lost, putting her in a situation that ruined her engagement, and ultimately causing her to flee the country which might result in even worse charges if/when she comes back. via /r/ProRevenge