#body i am tired of repressing i am trying to give u the chance to let go pls work w me

[takecarelove]

having the ability to cry again would solve ALL my problems

[pips-fics]

ask: Hi 👉👈 if it’s okay can I request a hyunjin centric fic? where he’s feverish and emotional nd the others give him lots of affection and comfort 🥺🥺 I love your blog so much it’s so soft and feels safe and ahhh it makes me happy 👉👈 thank you and it’s okay if you don’t feel up to it !!

ask: hello! how are you? i just wanted to say that this is my all time fave blog :) i’m kinda new to tumblr so i’m not sure if that’s how u say it tho hahaha. are u down for requested atm? if yes, could i request a sick hyunjinnie with any caretaker (preferably bangchan). if u are not taking requests atm, then carry on with ur day 🌸✨💜

tw: vomiting, fainting

let us break ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

all idols are trained actors. a lot of people don’t realize it, maybe, but they had to be, to some extent. even before debuting, they learned by observation how to fake health, confidence, and calm - and beyond debut, it was happiness all the time. once, hyunjin found out that one of his best childhood friends was in the hospital, and then sang and smiled through a fansign without blinking an eye an hour later. he knew other idols who had endured much worse.

so yes, while hyunjin might not be entirely comfortable playing a role in a movie or a show, he was quite capable of faking it. maybe that’s why he was able to convince his group mates that he was okay right up until he collapsed.

he hadn’t expected things to get so bad. at first, he was just a bit congested - nothing he couldn’t pass off as allergies, really. once he’d gotten wrapped up in practicing, it had been easy to brush anything else off - like sweating, achy muscles, even nausea - as an effect of intense exercise. too easy, maybe, because hyunjin was not at all prepared for his vision to flicker with darkness or for his legs to entirely give up in the middle of dancing.

fortunately, he retained consciousness, but he wasn’t able to stand quickly enough to dodge minho as he moved to their next formation. the older boy tripped over hyunjin and tumbled to the ground with an “oof,” which was then followed by the chaos of everyone trying to figure out what had happened at once.

it was way too much for hyunjin’s fevered brain to process. he shut down, the sounds blurring into something entirely nonsensical, so hyunjin tuned it all out until a gentle hand on his back made him jump.

“hyunjinnie?” it was chan, wiping tears away. “can you tell me what’s wrong?”

hyunjin shook his head. “minho-hyung–”

“he’s okay,” chan said. “don’t worry.”

shuffling his feet awkwardly, minho nodded. “i know how to fall safely. it happens to the best of us.”

with the greatest of his greatest fears alleviated, hyunjin took a few deep breaths and looked around the room. besides minho, who was still standing nearby looking moderately uncomfortable, and chan, who was rubbing comforting circles on hyunjin’s back, the rest of the members were hanging out near the benches on the other side of the practice room. jisung was talking to their dance teacher while jeongin and changbin were messing with felix in what was probably a deliberate attempt at creating a distraction. seungmin was quietly observing hyunjin from a distance, concern written all over his face. distractions didn’t tend to work as well on him. hyunjin managed a smile in an attempt to be reassuring, but it didn’t seem to have the intended effect.

rather than relaxing, seungmin’s frown deepened, and he stood up and walked over, arms crossed. “don’t act like you’re okay,” he said, and hyunjin suddenly understood. he waved his arms around placatingly.

“i won’t - i’ll take today off, okay?” hyunjin caved easily. next to him, chan looked shocked, and not without reason.

three years ago, things would have gone down quite differently. things had gone down quite differently when hyunjin had been a trainee, and he’d woken up in the hospital with a very rattled seungmin at his bedside. hyunjin wouldn’t make that mistake again any time soon if he could help it.

that didn’t make it easy.

somehow the tears started up again of their own accord as hyunjin relented. “i’m sorry,” he said. “i– i’ll make it up to you all later, i know i’m behind with the dance, it’s just–”

this got the attention of the rest of the group, eliciting a scoff from changbin. “please don’t - if you do that, i’ll be even more behind than i already am.”

“give us a chance to catch up!” jisung added.

hyunjin shook his head. “but i’m supposed to be a dancer.”

felix bounded over and latched on to hyunjin’s arm. “you’re ahead of me, too. i think the only one you’re not ahead of is minho-hyung, and he made half of the choreography.”

minho nodded solemnly. “i cheated.”

hyunjin was too tired to feel better about himself, but too miserable to argue, so he just shrugged and avoided eye contact with everyone.

chan put a hand to hyunjin’s forehead, and nodded as if confirming something. “i’ll come back to the dorm with you, then - i could use a rest day, too, i think.”

with no room for argument, hyunjin decided not to bother trying, despite his misgivings about taking up chan’s time. also, out of all of them, hyunjin thought that chan could use the extra rest the most. by the time they arrived at the dorm, the guilt in hyunjin’s stomach was more or less consumed by an overwhelming sense of loneliness and fear.

he settled in to the living room, sinking into the couch and trying to repress his body’s violent shivering by wrapping himself in a blanket, though it wasn’t very effective. hyunjin was relieved when chan sat next to him, pulling out his laptop - as expected, not really taking a break after all, but hyunjin didn’t mind. he knew chan was busy, and liked to feel productive as often as possible. people relaxed in different ways, anyway. just like that, despite the growing ache in his stomach, hyunjin began to relax and drift off to sleep.

it wasn’t until chan moved to get up that hyunjin snapped back awake. he immediately latched on to chan’s arm.

“hyung, don’t leave me.”

the words were out of his mouth before hyunjin had a chance to consider them, and he immediately hid his face in the couch cushions in embarrassment.

“hyunjinnie,” chan said gently, brushing a hand through hyunjin’s hair. he didn’t sound annoyed, so hyunjin peeked up at him, and found him smiling fondly. “i wasn’t going to leave, just going to get some water. you want anything?”

hyunjin felt his cheeks redden, and let go of chan’s arm. he shook his head. “sorry, hyung.”

“nothing to worry about,” chan said.

being alone even briefly was unsettling to hyunjin, feeling as bad as he was. it meant being forced to take stock of his body, which meant confronting that he felt, somehow, even worse than before. his head was pounding, everything hurt, and his stomach–

his stomach flipped very violently, and hyunjin retched, leaning over the couch, a bit stunned. he swallowed back the vile substance that rushed up his throat with a whimper and scrambled to his feet.

he made it to the toilet just in time for his body to rebel again. this time, hyunjin was hopeless to stop it, and it wasn’t long before tears were rolling down his cheeks. his hair was sticking to his face, matted down with sweat and in some places vomit. hyunjin tried to push it out of his way, but his hands were shaking terribly, and the nausea was so overwhelming, it was hard to focus on anything else.

chan found hyunjin with his cheek on the toilet seat, expression vacant, past the point of caring about a mess. when he saw chan, his face scrunched up into a sad pout.

“hyung… i’m sorry…”

chan chuckled and shook his head. “don’t apologize,” he said quietly, moving to hyunjin’s side just as the younger man began heaving again. chan held hyunjin’s hair and rubbed his shoulder blades, wishing he could do more. he couldn’t help but wince at the way hyunjin’s muscles tensed beneath his fingers.

it took quite a while for hyunjin’s stomach to settle. for about 10 minutes, it was on-and-off puking, half his time spent bent over the toilet, and the other half bonelessly slumped against chan. by the end, he was so exhausted that chan was considering bringing a mixing bowl into the bathroom, just so that hyunjin didn’t have to put so much effort into moving.

finally, hyunjin let out a shuddering sigh - or maybe a sob - and curled up in chan’s lap.

“can i sleep here?” hyunjin mumbled, words slurred with exhaustion. some of the sick in his hair was beginning to dry.

“soon, jinnie. for now, let’s get you cleaned up.”

chan opted to give hyunjin a warm bath, and was pleased when hyunjin relaxed into it, half-asleep. he figured it was okay for the younger man to take a quick nap under chan’s supervision. by the time hyunjin was clean, chan was reluctant to wake him. just as he was about to, hyunjin’s face scrunched up, and he whimpered.

“hyunjin?”

“‘m sorry,” he mumbled, fresh tears slipping down his cheeks. “i’ll do better…”

chan shook him gently, and hyunjin’s eyes flew open. “i’m sorry, i–” he cut himself off with a gasp, taking in his surroundings slowly. “channie-hyung?”

“hey, buddy,” he said, speaking softly. “you okay?”

hyunjin was breathing in short, quick gasps. his eyes darted around the small room, as though searching for something. he blinked quickly, and looked back at chan, who offer a smile.

“it’s just us, you know?”

drinking air as though its supply was dangerously limited, hyunjin nodded. “i know, yeah, i just… hyung, i’m ruining your day off.”

chan shook his head immediately. “what are you talking about, jinnie? you know i’m here because i want to be, right?”

hyunjin bit his lip, trying not to cry. his fevered brain was not being kind to him. chan’s words were too genuine to deny, though, so he nodded, eyes closed. he felt chan’s arms wrap around him, hesitant until hyunjin hugged him back.

“jinnie, you’re allowed to be human. you’re allowed to hurt. it’s okay.”

something there caught him off guard. something broke, something that had been built up, something that had protected hyunjin for a long time. a little snap. it hurt, realizing he’d closed himself off without realizing it, and holding back tears was a lost cause, but then - that was kind of chan’s point.

why hide them?

so hyunjin cried, broken a bit, but held together by one of his best friends - his family. he let himself break a bit more - just as much as he needed - and didn’t flinch when the rest of the members came home. he let them in through a little crack of a doorway, let him hold him and remind him of who he was, and he began to heal.

——

no reader survey this time, too tired and my computer is breaking but please feel free to send in any thoughts you’d like to share, about the fic or otherwise!

——

feel free to send more asks! / rules

[pinkhairedlily]

goodbye to the clearest eyes

pair: kim namjoon/park jimin | minjoon, rating: G

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33675553

dropping a minjoon fic here as well (because why not)! :>

Namjoon glances at his phone for the seventeenth time that night, the digital clock blinking back 23:14 at him, and his screen flashing low battery warning since the 20 percent mark. He waits again for ten more minutes, closing his eyes and losing himself in the muted sound of the club on the street across and the passing honks of ubers. A ping stirs him up.

Disappointed but not surprised. He knows he set himself up for this.

“Joon hi. Hope you thought better - like before. I actually got a ride. Lucky huh. So anyway, please don’t mind my earlier texts. See you later.” Ironically, his phone thinks it’s the most opportune time to shut down, zero percent, no more warning. He softly thumps his head on the steering wheel, but his fingers are tightly gripping around it.

“I should stop this.” This is the same sentence he repeats for every conquest Jin conjures up every Friday of the week. He sighs, enraged but tired, and he starts the ignition.

Then his passenger side opens and comes in an angel.

“Excuse me?”

It’s Namjoon’s first expression. Blonde hair, lopsided smile that reaches his eyes, plump and pouty lips, flushed cheeks, and fair skin. He waves to his friends goodbye and reaches for the seatbelt.

He misses it and he chuckles. He tries again and almost gets it. Again, another hearty chuckle.

“You’re hammered,” Namjoon says. “But this is not an uber.”

The blonde man fits the seatbelt in successfully in his third try. He looks up at Namjoon, and he is disarmed by bright hazelnut irises which disappear in a wide smile. “Look I managed to wear my seatbelt.” His fingers, dainty fingers, meet each other to give himself a small, silent clap.

Namjoon’s heart is thumping. What is this is a new modus of a local gang? Using an angel-faced to lure innocents into their deaths? He clears his throat and tries to capture the blonde’s attention. “I would appreciate it if you get out of my car right now.”

Yeah, especially since I just got my license at 30 years old. Because Jin had his car towed.

The blonde is heaving and Namjoon knows what comes next. He opens the windows and gets ready to give him a paper bag stashed in his glove compartment. It’s actually reserved for Jin, waiting for its purpose for several weeks now, but at least a single piece gets to see the light for tonight.

The passenger waves away his offer of a vomit bag. He just lets his head loll on the side, eyes shut, smile still plastered on his cherubic face. Namjoon rakes his raven locks with his hand, and he decides then to fuck it. He’s in the neighborhood, he has an available car. He will do one kind deed today and bring this angel safely to his home.

But yeah fuck me too because my phone’s basically on coma and I’m geographically challenged. No choice then. “Hey you, I’m sorry but I don’t have the maps on. I can’t drive you.”

The blonde tries to sit up straight with his eyes still closed. “Can you first drive around? I don’t want to go home yet.”

This is a red flag, Namjoon knows. Far too many dreadful things have been happening nowadays and everyone is hardly to be trusted even when they have the most beautiful countenance he has ever seen. But he had too many losses this year, too many times he held out chances for someone who won’t return them back, too many hopes for beginnings but he got indefinite endings instead. Yeah, fuck it.

“Can you move away from the window so I can close it?” Namjoon asks.

“Can you leave my side open? I want to feel the cold air against my face,” the man replies. Now that Namjoon’s looking at him intently, he notices he must be in his early 20s, not more than 25 probably.

He stuffs the paper bag on his passenger’s dainty fingers (which thankfully he holds onto because dry cleaning would be a bitch) and drives towards the road he frequents when he gets stood up.

“It’s kinda cold.” His blonde locks are swaying with the wind.

Namjoon chuckles and checks his monitor. “Well it’s the transition between fall and winter. Do you want me to close it now?”

“No, not really. I love the cold. It makes my cheeks redder. It makes me aware of the blood in my body.”

“I like this season too although I’m not a fan of snowing. I’d rather walk than drive a car when it’s winter.” Namjoon steals a glance. “Looks like you really enjoyed tonight. Flushed and rosy cheeks are also good signs of life. Would you believe it’s a criteria males would look for in females they want for marriage and reproduction? Of course, this was back when patriarchy was still 100 percent practiced.”

Namjoon takes a right turn amid the dense canopy of hickory trees and into the tunnel. Now would be the most advantageous time for his passenger to kill him.

“Yes, I enjoyed tonight,” the blonde remarks. His hazelnut eyes are now open and trained on the road. “My friends and colleagues organized a farewell party.”

“Changing jobs?” Namjoon breathes slowly, waiting for the blonde to pull out a gun or knife.

“Nope, not really. I’m going away.”

Nothing comes for Namjoon’s life, and he feels the bubble of laughter in his throat. “Another city or abroad?”

His hazelnut eyes roll to the ceiling, and he ponders for a whole minute. “Yeah, abroad. That’s what I told them.”

The tunnel is empty, but Namjoon keeps a safe driving speed on the rightmost lane. Occasionally, a sports car would speed past them, the tires screeching with the echoes. He wonders if he should keep up the conversation, but gauging the other person’s responses, it seems like they don’t mind. “Oh that must be fun. I also went abroad after university, straight to Belgium. It felt freeing that time, but I realized just recently that I was probably running away.”

There he goes again, spilling his guts to a stranger at midnight in the middle of a tunnel. Namjoon’s mind now wonders if this blonde isn’t afraid of him. He’s bigger than this passenger, more muscular, and definitely taller. He can easily subdue him and drop him in the ocean.

“It’s somewhere I have to go to,” he replies. “I’ve never been to Belgium. Chocolates must be good there.”

“The roads are very bike friendly, if you’re curious.” Namjoon remembers the awe when he first set foot in Brussels. No annoying car honks, no bulky vehicles on the streets. Just people biking, in tune with nature, giving way to each other, the tiny bells ringing.

“Ah I also never learned how to bike. How disappointing.”

“It’s a nice skill to have, keeps you active, and obviously it decreases your carbon footprint.”

His passenger laughs like it’s a trill of a nightingale. “You have such a weird thought process!”

Namjoon’s voice wavers, part embarrassed, part socially anxious. He’s never good in dealing with extroverts. “Is it bad?”

The blonde shakes his head. “I’m saying it’s unique. Anyway, I won’t worry much about my carbon footprint.”

Namjoon clucks his tongue against his mouth. “You must be a mindful consumer.”

“Hmm, I’m not really sure. I guess I am?” His little pinky finger rests on the side of his lip. “But it gives me comfort that I’m alleviating Mother Earth’s illness somehow.”

They leave the tunnel and the smell of salt air arrests both of their senses. Namjoon opens the window on his side as well and breathes in the ocean. He normally frequents this area during sunsets, a few minutes when twilight sets in before it finally transitions to the night sky. His existence hovers in between those changes, all beautiful and all passing. It dawns on him that he took a plunge when he decided to drive here at this time. “Do you mind some music?”

“No, go ahead!”

Namjoon opens his radio, and the first notes of 400 Lux drifts from the speakers. The blonde lets an arm out on touches the air on the skin of his fingers. Namjoon notices this and mirrors him. The ocean greets them after a few seconds, quiet in its vastness despite the rhythmic buoy of the waves and the sound they make when they crash against the sandy shore.

“I’d like to visit many more places,” his companion continues. “Like Jeju Island. My grandmother plants the sweetest tangerines, and my ex-boyfriend would often come help out during harvest season. But I broke up with him just recently and cut off all ties.”

“Sorry about the ex-boyfriend,” Namjoon interjects. “He must be missing the tangerines a lot.”

“Let’s hope that’s the only thing he’ll be missing. By the time he’d miss me, he must have moved on already.”

The road comes a bit closer to the waters, and the wind drifts over some of the sea spray to them as the waves break against the side of the cliffs. “And here you are, sounding like you already miss him.”

“I won’t deny it.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “I found that it’s healthy to acknowledge your feelings than keep them all repressed so I’m honoring our bond by honoring the grief.”

“Sounds like good advice.” The guilt creeps up on Namjoon, but he ignores this for a moment. Maybe he can take this bit, store it, and use it in the future. It’s good advice anyway.

“I also want to visit Disneyland. I’ve never been to one. Couldn’t afford it. But I hate roller coasters and pirate ships, anything that has to do with heights. Although, if given the chance, I would try all of them at once even if I vomit after.”

“The lines are freakishly long.”

“How much do you think would it cost if I rent the whole place for a day?”

Namjoon laughs. “Pretty sure it would have at least six zeroes.”

“Oh I thought it would have seven.” They both break into guffaws. After a few seconds, the blonde continues his musing. “I would also love to visit my parents and see them again every day.”

“Can’t you do it now?”

The man stretched his arms in front of him and wiggles in his chair. “I’ll actually drop by tomorrow, spend some time before I truly go.”

Namjoon slowly turns on a blind curve, weighing the last sentence in his mind. “I moved out when I was 18 into the university dorms, and then I got my own apartment after graduation. Most of us go through that linear phase, don’t you think – growing out of our childhood homes and leaving the ‘youth’ behind.”

“You don’t even look like 30 yet.”

“I’m flattered. And you don’t look like you’re over 20s.”

“I get that a lot.” The blonde chuckles, not bothering to hide another set of blush on his cheeks. Under the dim light of the moon, Namjoon briefly notices the redness in his ears.

“But wouldn’t it be nice to come back to it, to that safe bubble when life becomes too overwhelming?” Somehow, Namjoon also feels a hot flush on his skin despite the icy air that has set in their atmosphere.

“We both know there’s no bubble anymore when we go back.”

“I guess it will take you a long time to come back.”

The passenger nods, his hazelnut eyes leaving the road to focus on the ocean. “A very, very, very long time. I may not see them again after I go.”

He must be moving for good, Namjoon thinks. Or he’s cutting off ties. Like I did so many years ago.

“Hey, can we stop over for water? I’m thirsty.”

Namjoon spots the 24/7 convenience store on the side of the road. He remembers this is a junction close to a fishing port hence the all-around operations. He parks on the empty lot and waits for the blonde to finish buying his needs. He comes back with four bottles of water and two bowls of already cooked instant ramen. “Would you like to eat by the shore?”

Sure why not in the middle of almost-winter? Namjoon follows him nonetheless, even sitting on the damp sand cross legged with ramen in between his hands. They slurp the noodles in silence punctuated by the crashing waves and occasional noise of the seagulls and the horn of incoming fishing fleets. They do not talk, too engrossed with the hot food and spicy broth.

Finally finished, they combine their garbage in what was supposed to be the passenger’s vomit bag. Namjoon initially walks to the direction of his car, but the passenger decides to walk along the shore for the minute, barefoot, his black leather mules secured in his other hand.

“Would you look at that? It’s finally used,” Namjoon jokingly remarks about the vomit bag.

The blonde chuckles at his lame attempt to lighten the mood. Namjoon finally notices the muted loss in his startlingly beautiful hazelnut eyes, and the layers of sadness covered up by his songbird laughter, but he knows it’s not his place to ask.

“Have you ever thought about death?” The way he asked it was so blunt, so deadpan, so out of the blue, and so far removed from his lively persona that Namjoon interacted with in the vehicle.

It catches him off guard, of course. He never really delved into it, not when he was too busy running away from his feelings for his college best friend, not when he came back and tried to rekindle that friendship and connection again, not when he was too busy wondering if it was already too late.

He was too busy facing the consequences of his life. “In passing, maybe.”

The blonde walks further into the water, the waves reaching to his knees. “What do you think happens after?”

“I personally don’t believe in afterlife or in God or in heaven.” Namjoon scratches the back of his neck, aware that his being agnostic would sometimes earn an agitated reaction from people. “It just ends. You become food for the detritus, a fertilizer for the plants.”

“Lessening the carbon footprint?” the blonde brings it up again, and this earns a hearty chuckle from Namjoon.

“We could put it like that. You contribute to nutrient cycling.”

“That’s a nice way of describing rotten flesh being eaten by worms.” He turns towards the expanse of the ocean with his eyes closed and that constant smile that seems to hold him together throughout this night. “I….visualize dying as a new birth, a chance of being someone again, a reincarnation. Even if I live as a butterfly with gray wings, a disowned black cat because of superstition, a whale with an alien frequency, a deer hunted in the open season, I’ll welcome it because it gives me another day, another life. It gives me another chance to feel the cold air on my face, the hot flush on my nose and ears, the water between my toes. Another chance to meet people, another chance to fall in love and break and fall all over again, another chance to live.”

The whole monologue untethers Namjoon. It is as if the sand underneath him started shifting.

The blonde turns his attention on the sky, stars invisible behind the fluffy clouds which signal incoming rain. As he silently watches them move across the space, Namjoon follows the change in his expression, the surrender of the smile, and the explosion of dullness in his irises.

“I have a tumor in my brain. Cancer has progressed too far and too deep to consider chemotherapy. Doctor gave me three months at most.”

Namjoon feels like he needs the vomit bag more. He’s tongue tied and numb all over. He feels cold all over, but he doesn’t know if he should blame the season. All the sounds are drowned by a ringing in his head, and he barely hears the blonde come up to him and tap his shoulder with his smile back again.

“I want to go home now. Thank you for driving me tonight.”

---

Now in the safe enclave of his apartment with a fully charged phone, Namjoon composes a long message intended for Jin, his apologies running all the way back since college. An apology for not responding to his confession, an apology for running away, an apology for coming back and expecting everything is the same.

And an ultimatum of a definite conclusion – whether he can let him in or cut him off from his life – because he has spent a long time living in between.

The breakdown comes after he hits send, choking sobs hitched in his throat. A mourning for a blonde stranger.

---

“Have a taste of this.” A grandmother in her 90s offers a peeled tangerine to Namjoon.

He bites through the piece of fruit and the sweetness hits him in full. He relishes the burst of flavor in his mouth with his eyes closed albeit it’s actually a ruse to keep the flood of tears at bay. You were right, they’re the sweetest tangerines. “I think I’ll order a hundred kilos.”

“That’s too much, my son.” The old woman laughs and playfully slaps him on the arm. “So how did you find your orchard tour a while ago?”

“I can’t help but hear a songbird in the area. Must be coming from the nearby forest.”

“Ah, it started singing last year. Since then, we’ve always had a year-round harvest. He must be my lucky charm.”

[alchemist-shizun]

Maybe

Read on Ao3!

Ts general taglist: @whizzie72 @sapphire-knight @uhhh-ruh-roh-raggy @softanxiouspatton @royallyanxious @kim-argent-moon @lance-alt @suffering-is-my-comfort-zone @sometimeswritingsometimesdying @pushussmollworld @mylifeisadeceit @spooky-scary-virgil @angstyfanfiction @artissijam @logicalberry @pistachio-lan @roses-bubbles @princessnoodlebug @wolfie979-sideblog @gigitheimposter @murder-schmurder @punsandpodcasts @star-crossed-shipper @are-you-even--real (tell me if you want to be added or removed)

Word Count: 2,377

Characters: Roman, Virgil

Pairing(s): platonic Prinxiety (can be viewed as pre-romantic if that's your thing)

Warning(s): Self-deprecation, crying, angst, self-loathing, general emotional negativity, mild panic attack

Summary: Roman is clearly not okay. How about a song? Maybe three?

A/N: This was meant to be only a vent fic but I'm actually making it part of a series related to the events of SvS redux where Janus, Roman and Remus all visit Virgil's room for different reasons at different times. This is post-SvS redux, the prequel with Janus has already been posted. Yes, another one of those where Roman seeks comfort to Virgil. Enjoy! (All song lyrics borrowed from Virgil's playlist)

✾

Hell no.

Roman sank up in the all too familiar corridor, marching it down with heavy steps that would have formed holes on the floor if they had been just a little more massive.

The prickling in his eyes didn't matter, as the trembling of his hands counted more.

His eyes darted from a door to another as if he'd forgotten how they had been placed, ignoring his own in favour of probably the only person who would've lent him a chance to speak in that moment.

A knock then another and he was met with an uncharacteristically smiling face cornered by the trademark patchwork hoodie.

The smile faltered as Virgil processed Roman's expression.

« What did we say about repression and bottling up emotions? » that was an unusual conversation starter.

Something went definitely wrong.

« That it's … bad? It's bad. » Virgil had never been as good with words as Logan, but he could get to the point nonetheless.

« Right. So, » Roman's body seemed to be moving at light speed, mirroring how rapidly his mind was racing, how quickly he could respond. « You'll agree with me that, to prevent that, one must turn to someone else, maybe someone capable of understanding what might be going wrong. »

« A good point, I guess. »

« Indeed. Therefore if I just- » he pushed past Virgil and entered the room, quick and short steps reached the centre of it while Roman's arms opened wide as he turned back to look at Anxiety. « If I just- » his tone higher, the need to get everything out even stronger, his voice cracked and on the verge of shattering.

Virgil's concern rose, he slowly shut the door as he followed Roman's pacing with slightly wider eyes.

« If I just fucking lose it. For once. I don't know what to do anymore! Anything I do, I say anything goes wrong. I'm wrong! I'm never- » he recollected some breath, face now wet with tears. « What am I supposed to do anymore? »

Virgil mirrored everything that was opposite of Roman: mild breathing, soothing pacing, moving slowly around the room not to strengthen the other's panic.

Roman was now leaning against furniture, so Virgil reached the office chair and pulled it towards them, sitting with his chest against the back of the seat.

He looked up at Roman, careful. « What makes you say that? »

Virgil knew that type of attitude, the way your brain has a breakdown after way too many contradictions, way too many reloads and discrepancies.

It was already too late, Roman's mind went through the scenes again, which made him sob and cry even more while hearing everything they'd told him that day and before. He fell down and his face was buried in his hands.

Virgil slowly got up, careful not to make startling sounds, and reached the other, sitting next to him, but still giving him space. He tried to maintain his own tranquility so Roman wouldn't have to be around further distressing energy.

He started off with a barely audible tune which transformed into words. « As I walk through the streets of my new city, my back feeling much better, I suppose I've reclaimed the use of my imagination. For better or for worse, I've yet to know. » he tentatively put a hand on Roman's back, paying attention to his reaction and trying to console him when he noticed it didn't bother him.

« But I always knew you'd be the one to understand me, I guess that's why it took so long to get things right. » Virgil let a small smile creep on his face, remembering how much they used to bicker in the past, even though it hurt most times. « Suddenly I'm lost on my street, on my block. Oh why, oh why- »

Roman finally joined his singing, feeling the words fit him so much to let him vent that way. « Oh why haven't you been there for me? Can't you see, I'm losing my mind this time? This time I think it's for real, I can see … »

« All the tree tops turning red. The beggars near bodegas grin at me, I think they want something. I close my eyes, I tell myself to breathe. » their tone was much softer than the original song. Virgil had taken a small pause to breathe for real. « And be … calm. Be calm. » he turned to directly look at Roman. « I know you feel like you are breaking down. Oh I know that it gets so hard sometimes. » he watched as Roman tried to progressively stop crying. « Be calm. »

« Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times. » Virgil continued, softer than in the original song. « You hate your pulse because it still thinks you're alive. And everything's wrong, it just gets so hard sometimes. Be calm. »

He heard the other's breathing ease. It was working, so Virgil kept singing to make him comfortable.

« Hey. Don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can. » he was looking ahead of himself, but he was sure Roman was listening. « And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away. »

Roman still had his head buried in his knees, so he slightly looked up at turned to the side.

« It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride, everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be all right. »

Virgil was resting his arm around Roman's shoulder now, finding him much more relaxed.

« Live right now, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else. » he sang quietly.

Roman moved an arm and suddenly Anxiety's room changed and they were sitting against a tree at night up on a hill, while they watched the silent city in the distance with its flickering lights that matched the stars.

The wind was howling so nicely that it simply turned into a gentle breeze, tickling their skin with a touch of coldness.

Virgil resonated that it could have been a safe space for Roman, so he kept singing until the other felt ready to talk or didn't need anymore reassurance.

« Tell me that you're alright, that everything is alright. »

He still had his arm around the other's shoulders.

« Please tell me that you're alright, that everything is alright. »

As he sang, he moved his hand and ran it through Roman's hair instead.

« I'm sick of the things I do when I'm nervous like cleaning the oven or checking my tires. »

Roman joined him for real this time. « Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling ... »

« Head for the hills, the kitchen's on fire. »

Creativity let a tiny smile on his face, so Virgil carried on with confidence. « I used to rely on self-medication, I guess I still do that from time to time. But I'm getting better at fighting the future. Someday you'll be fine. »

« Yes, I'll be just fine. » Roman got closer to the other, resting his head on Virgil's shoulder for more comfort.

They started singing the chorus together and ended up in a giggling mess, but when it all died down, Roman sighed heavily and the illusion fell, taking them back to Virgil's room.

There was a beat of silence.

« In the courtroom. Remember how every single one of you kept going against me for wanting to hear that snake out? »

Anxiety nodded. There was no lie in that, but the premise already told him where that was going.

« So I made up my mind, right? I listened to all of your reasoning, I did my best to understand, to put my pride and dreams aside to please you. I tried to convince myself that it was the best for Thomas when my guts kept telling me how wrong I was. »

Roman watched the other tilt his head without losing focus.

« I brushed aside my dread during the wedding day. I changed my mind on everything I was settled on during that day. Only for what? Seeing everybody doing a big U-turn and leaving me in my own confusion. »

« A u-turn? » Virgil raised an eyebrow, clearly unaware of the events that had just occurred.

« Magically now both Patton and Thomas, and I suppose also Logan, are in favour of that slimy guy's ideals. Now. Only now that everything is all gone and lost already. Now that I can't go back in time, now that it's too late for anything! »

He had thought he was done with tears. « So it ended up my longing for the callback was a better choice and I wasn't being selfish? What do I even do with it? It's as useful as a get well soon card for when you get an indelible scar. »

« They sided with Deceit? » Virgil wasn't quite sure he had heard correctly.

Though … his conversation with him earlier …

« Blindly, almost with no opposition. And I can't believe any direction I follow, everybody turns around and leaves me walking by myself. » Roman curled up on himself more, arms around his chest. « Alone in the wrong spotlight. » he mumbled, side eyeing the drawer next to him.

Virgil fidgeted with the hem of his hoodie, considering the ever too familiar situation.

He extended an arm towards him, uncharacteristically determined. « Come here. »

A pair of eyes looked up at Virgil unsure, only to accept his help and end up sitting on the bed, opposite to him.

« I know how it feels. Deep confusion, you don't know what's right or wrong anymore and you feel like anywhere you go, you'll crash into a wall and someone will end up hurt. You, most likely. »

Virgil refrained from making eye-contact.

« And it hurts, it hurts like hell cause the ones that are going against you are the ones you love and that you believe that love you as well. That's where the doubts start and then you spiral. »

Roman found his reasoning so accurate it hit him like a sharp sudden pain in his heart.

« But you know what? »

He raised his head.

« I'm glad you didn't bottle it up this time. Because if you did … I don't know, I'm just happy you haven't fought with anyone. »

That was when he raised an eyebrow: he heard Virgil's voice shift towards the end, in a sort of understood thing, an unspoken truth Virgil didn't want to uncover.

Maybe they really were alike under all those layers of sarcasm.

« And that- that wouldn't have been nice at all. » Roman had also noticed how the conversation was stalling on that particular, as if the other weren't able to move on from that topic and now his mind was clouded by that argument only.

« You … » Roman encouraged the best he could. « Well, yeah. It's pretty obvious you had a fight with them. Right? »

Virgil shook his head to brush off the topic. « Gosh, I'm sorry. I was trying to help you and yet I made my own issues surface. »

« It's okay, we're all a bit broken. » Roman tentatively stretched his arm and put a hand on his back.

The other turned to him and showed a small smile. « See, that's what I admire of you. Even while distressed you still try to sympathize with others. » there was a pause. « I would probably yell at everyone like when someone insists on talking before an hour of being awake. »

Neither of them could escape laughter, a little heartfelt moment in a dark alley.

« Back to you, anyway. » Virgil waved his hand as if to physically brush the topic away. « I believe the reason why this mess has happened is because everyone's pretty confused. We've been touching a complicated ground and it's only logical we make mistakes. »

« The thing is, Roman, you care a lot about Thomas and it shows. You want to make sure he's going to be happy about the kind of life he pursues. » he looked him in the eyes. « You're not doing anything wrong. Rather, you're doing your best. »

Roman bit his lip and he nodded, his eyes sliding down to the floor.

« In the long run, I'm sure it's gonna be fine. And if Thomas will ever end up in the bad zone, we'll find a way to get him out of here, okay? »

Creativity exhaled deeply and felt the tangle in his stomach slowly dissipate.

« Thank you, Virgil. »

Anxiety relaxed as he watched Roman's features soften. « Don't mention it. »

Roman stood up, brushing his hands on his face like he had been washing it with imaginary water.

« I guess I'll try and let off some steam in the Imagination. » he made to head for the door, when he stopped dead in his tracks.

« Fuck. »

Virgil's heart sunk, expecting further complexes. « What's wrong? »

« I forgot to ask if you were stable enough to endure a vent moment. »

But then, of course, another smile made its way on his face. « Nah, I had been playing stupid video games until ten minutes ago. Don't worry big guy, go fight the dragon witch. »

Roman huffed as he crossed the hallway again. « I've defeated her eons ago, let me live it down! »

Snickering accompanied the echo of his voice and Virgil's smile only faltered some seconds after.

Yeah, maybe they were all a little bit broken. Maybe he was still holding grudges he thought he didn't care about anymore.

But, then again, maybe everything was going to be alright either way.

[catastrothicc]

when will i learn to write an intro post

hello friens my name is kit im 19 and i use them/they pronouns. i love the color GREEN as u can tell and im a cancer ..... i literally don’t kno who i am besides that so ! ey letz gO  .... oh yea my timezone is mdt .  bu ckle . ... .. . u p

fiRST we have rocky whomst some of  u kNO bc he was That guy in paracosms anD created by the m ost crea tive  admins iv’e ever seEN i got blessedt 2 play him and to play him agAIN in literally the most mentally straining au for any character .... paracosms verse ! x 

i previously made an intro post for him here so i’m just gonna link it and walk away .. .. .... also his stats page still lives here !!! keeping in mind that he is no longer a drug ring leader ..... he recently discovered that his wHOLE LIFE is a LIE and that he’s a helpless robot stuck in hell with a bunch of other robots who want 2 murder him and every(robot)body he loves 

find his pinterest board here , someday a whole ass playlist too

neXT we have minjae ... he’s my oldest character in this batch but that doesn’t mean i especially love him .... just means i’ve made him suffer the longest .... . . . tw: child abuse ( pinterest board , playlist 1 , playlist 2 )

minjae is in the main verse ! find him bullshitting through college and b-boying in the camden streets 

he’s twenty-one and a virgo , born in busan , south korea 

he found his way to london when his parents sent him away to study abroad highkey because that’s a big fancy thing in korea they can brag about and lowkey to get rid of him for as long as they can 

his relationship with his family is ..... interestingly strained . his parents WON’T admit that he’s tiring as hell to deal with and how much stress he causes because they try their best to be supporting/loving parents but honestly minjae KNOWS how much they just wISH he was fucking gONE from their lives ( okay maybe not THAT intense but things rlly blow up in his head ) but he doesn’t even worry about it he just deals with the fact that he’s a terrible son

he was diagnosed with odd when he was eight years old, after his mom got tired and increasingly concerned with his disruptive and violent behavior

a few years prior , minjae’s biological dad left them and his mom kind of took it upon herself to try and make it up to him . that meant she was always careful around him and treated him as if he was fragile because minjae felt some blame that his dad left . 

his biological dad did Not have any patience for his kid’s mental health , meaning he and minjae would fight often to the point of getting physical . basically minjae endured a lot of getting locked up in the bathroom kicking and screaming until his voice grew hoarse and the occasional ..... bad beatings .

he went to therapy with his mom for two years before entering middle school , around the time his mom remarried a nice guy who had the patience of a saint when it came to minjae , even after he repeatedly rejected him as a part of their life . eventually minjae managed to warm up to him ..... he just didn’t wanna admit he was afraid he’d abandon them like his bio dad . 

despite the therapy he was still unstable and got into frequent fights . he was smart but he didn’t put it into any good use because he would rather fool around and disrupt the classroom at any slight chance . teachers .... hated this fuckass 

theN high school !! A Whole Mess ..... he got worse and worse , and it wasn’t until he got expelled from his Second high school that he went back to therapy for anger management . 

after months of sessions w/ his therapist he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder , which honestly explained Everything about his life . it explained his massive issues with interpersonal relationships , massive abandonment fear , massive moodiness , massive personality contradictions .... everythin g

he started b-boying because it was a way to push himself and let go of the anger without picking a fight with someone else ( altho he StilL picked the occasional fight .... highkey still does ) but he loved the control that came with dancing and how it hurt to push his body 

he managed to graduate despite what everyone thought ..... and even a bigger surprise is that he went to college majoring in math ..... and an evEN BIGGER SURPRISE is that he went overseas to study which is like ..... quite a difficult and impressive thing to do ..... tho minjae just finds math the easiest out of academic studies bc “all u need to do is understand and follow a formula” 

anYWAYS so his personality is generally very contradictory . he just has no fucking idea who he even is . thESE are from an old intro that i’m just putting here bc still tru:

being delusional w/ infatuation/love to the point of a fault vs running away when things actually start to go right with someone because of his fear of being abandoned by them

being so afraid of abandonment that he can’t stand being alone, always needs to be communicating with someone vs pushing people away when he feels like he’s getting attached because he’s afraid of abandonment 

swinging between being horny all the time and being sex repulsed

intense mood swings !!! having the time of his life one hour and wishing he was dead the next

thinks he’s the best vs loathes his entire being

wants everyone to love him vs thinking he deserves being alone

incredibly charming and talkative vs distant and moody

loving/cuddly/goofy vs jealous/purposely mean/bossy 

also never tell him its ok to text u bc he’ll give u notifications from Hell

dhwani mishra !!! honestly Bae . i’ve had her in my head for mONTHs and this is only the second time i play her rip . anyways say hello to this Hot Mom. tw: abuse , brief abortion mention 

dhwani is from chicago , she’s 36 and a leo .... literally The Whole SUN

she grew up w/ a generally large family . two parents , three sisters and a brother . it was a full house that often became suffocating but she managed to survive her childhood and teenhood . 

she’s extremely close with all her fam except her dad , bc they have always disagreed in almost everything and it’s just ..... awkward to be around him ?? she honestly doesn’t respect him much , even if she would never show him/tell him that . her dad had an abusive past w/ her mom , and dhwani still feels a lot of resentment that he would ever lay his hands on her in a violent way and mistreat her despite being the mother of his children . when she was a teenager , she would tell her mom to just divorce him but her mom was in a very toxic/old mentality and believed she would ruin her family and her children’s life if she did that . 

probably nobody cared about this as much as dhwani .... she promised herself she’d NEVER allow someone to do what her dad did to her mom and was honestly so defensive with guys . little did she kno it was the lesbian raging inside her . 

so because she had no idea what a lesbian was or that it was a possibility bc her household was not the type to really go into the topic of sex at all , she eventually got into a relationship with a guy in high school that she could actually put up with .... and got really disappointed when she was finally ‘ in love ’ because of how underwhelming it all was . her dreams about finding ‘ the one ’ were absolutely gone . she was like wtf why are people making such a big deal out of love when it feels like ...... kind of nothing ?? 

she became pregnant with his child which was completely unplanned and was such a huge turn in her life that she never ever expected . all this time she had been driven to start a career in chemistry and family would come way wayyy later , however she did Not want to give up her child ..... she was so torn about it but now she thinks not getting an abortion was the best decision of her life bc her little boy , one of her two little suns was brought into the world . 

she paused her career to raise him w/ her now husband when she was 29 , and three years later became pregnant again , this time w/ her second sun , an adorable lil baby girl . things were already going downhill in her marriage before she got pregnant again , though , and she stupidly thought that maybe another child would help them but ... wrong ! her husband , the man she thought she loved , was turning out to be exactly like her father . she put up w/ him for as long as she could .... but it did just not work out . when her daughter was two and her son five , she divorced him and someway or another managed to pick up her career again . 

she moved out with her kids into a small apartment , struggling with money and having to ask her parents for aid which wasn’t rlly good for her pride , despite that she and her mom were like best friends .

sHE made it to london by pure will after juggling her two children and working as a high school teacher , though when she got an offer to teach as a professor in a university w/ heR OWN LAB AND RESEARCH TEAM she could Not pass it up . the only problem was tht this job was across the ocean , and away from her family and everything she and her children knew . 

still , she saw a brighter future , not only for herself but especially for her kids , so she packed up and said goodbye to the states . 

she’s been teaching in soho for two years now and she still hasn’t really adjusted . it’s obviously a very different life than the one she had in chicago , but she’s very determined to make it work . also she’s recently discovering her repressed inner lesbian so hmu for plots !!! ;))) 

shE’S a chemistry professor so ... @ any student connections hmu ... also any students whomst want 2 be on her research team A++ 

pERSONALity wise .... she’s a mess . she’s very lively and warm and inviting , but she is also extremely stubborn and unrestrained . you don’t agree w/ something she does ? Suck It . you have a stupid opinion ? Time to let u kno how absolutely wrong u are . she is NOT afraid of a fight . also she’s v scatterbrained .... there is so much on her schedule that she can barely keep up w/ so she’s never like ... calm . always going somewhere , always pacing places , chugging her coffee , carrying 789479 folders and books everywhere . 

hER class is pretty much this vine 

probably one of the least chill professors on campus in the best way possible . she’s so excited about chemistry and teaching her students . altho she is lenient and understanding she can also b strict af and doesn’t allow her kindness to b taken advantage of . rlly good at drawing lines . 

also her children are her whole world and she loves to brag about them ... since she doesn’t get enough time w/ them at home she sometimes takes them to her lab on campus or they’re there being a mess during her office hours and stressing her out but she’s 2 fond of them to leave them w/ their babysitter . 

oK so here is her v incomplete pinterest board ... expect a playlist Soon 

lAST BUT NOT LEAST is santana !!! he is ... a solid trip . this is my first time playing him so i’m puMPED and expecting the worst of him fhuidshfiusdhg. tw: drug use , abuse , alcoholism 

he is 23 , a Cancer , n from LA california like that red hot chili peppers song(s)

his childhood wasn’t chill at all . he grew up with four sisters and three brothers , so his parents never really had time for all of them individually . they were always kind of lumped together despite the differences in age . santana was one of the middle children so he got evEN LESS attention . 

he honestly does not understand what his parents were thinking when they had EIGHT whole kids , because they were poor as shit . they lived in a tiny house with three bedrooms and two bathrooms , where all the girls would be in 1 room , the boys in the other , and their parents in th third one . you could Not catch a moment of peace in this household . they basically lived on top of each other .

his older siblings were very bad influences , and so were his parents . it was all tough love , so he barely received any kindness or special treatment and had 2 go to school even if he was dying w/ the flu and got hit Bad when he acted out even a little bit bc his parents were Not about to deal w/ any disrespect . he actually pretty much got hit for just existing bc his parents didn’t want dumb kids and santana was failing in Everything at school so his dad especially tried to beat it into him but really he wasn’t dumb he had dyslexia and no one knew or cared enough to find out .

still , they didn’t really respect their children enough to demand their respect . they would cuss all of them tf out and allow them little to no privacy so they all became rEALLY GOOD liars , and all of them learned to have each other’s backs but rlly this only lasted during their childhoods/teenhoods . 

santana started doing really stupid shit during high school and once he got caught stealing wine from a grocery store w/ all his dumb little high school friends whomst were in possession of weed and ended up in juvenile prison for two years until he turned 18 . thEN while he was on parole he didn’t learn his fucking lesson and his parents/family were not supportive At All honestly it’s like they didn’t give 2 shits that he was in juvie they were just like ‘that’s what happens when you’re a goddamn moron’ so santana went out and did it aGAIN bc fuck parental guidance anyways

this time he got caught stealing a whole fucking car and in possession of not only weed but cocaine so he got locked up for 4 long ass years . honestly thought that he wouldn’t make it out but he rlly learned a lot in prison and he was used to getting no privacy anyways and just kinda dealt . the prison system he was stuck in Sucked so bad though like the guards were the Worst and he’d try to stay out of fights but Some Fucker would piss him off and BOOM he’d end up in the hole for a whole week . 

hOWEVER if it wasn’t for being there he would’ve never discovered his passion of art and drawing . he got Really Fucking good bc he had nothing else to do but sit around and try to find anything to pour all of his pent up energy into and drawing happened to be his greatest outlet . would just sit for as long as they let him and draw his time away . 

when he got out he went back to his fam but they were pretty much all split up . shit went Down while he was locked up and somehow his parents ended up w/ a giant grudge on their children and some of his siblings wanted to kill each other while others had just completely moved away to different parts of the states and had absolutely no communication w/ each other . 

santana decided to fuck it and pursue his dreams of being a tattoo artist far from LA and just decided to move to a different country entirely . 

Now u can find him giving tattoos in his apartment bc he doesn’t have enough $$$ to get a studio and while he Is training under a professional he’s not getting paid by them so he needs to make money somehow . it’s a secret that he’s tattooing when he’s not supposed to tho . Fuck the law . 

personality !!!! he’s basically .... very chill .... perhaps 2 chill .... 

even tho drugs got him some bad time in prison he hasn’t left them . still very 420 friendly and occasionally does the hard stuff . also loves 2 drink and party . 

he’s irresponsible !!!! he feels like he lost a lot of his life in prison so he’s trying to make up for it and while he’s being more careful ..... he still loves 2 fuck shit up .

he gets way too comfortable around people way too easily . he thinks this is a trait he picked up in jail bc he rlly had no other option but to shower with a bunch of dudes and shit out in the open , so he’s very comfortable with his body and being in the nude in general . also a touchy guy , likes cuddles and appreciates hugs . random meaningless touches are a Habit . 

he loves to hang and do whatever so if ur his friend chances are tht he’s hitting u up 24/7 to go do something . biggest extrovert there is . does not get tired of being in public / around people . also p flirty and gay as hell . 

sO find his pinterest board here and i’m also in the process of finishing a playlist for him hopefully soon 

thAT WOULD BE ALL FOR NOW !!! hmu and feel free to add me on discord ( a whole silly boy#2690 , kít (catastrothicc) in the group chat ) for plots and such !!! 

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.