#bleh hopefully my motivation actually lasts this time

[bellamyblakru]

And to see Kilgharrah and Merlin's reunion again, after their last talk in lake of Avalon. I love their friendship. Also, I know it's not what you usually write, but can you do this as non-slash, but as their friendship fic?

absolutely!! thats no problem 🥰 actually, my top fave fics are friendship fics!! i will definitely give this a go, hopefully some time this week if the motivation hits me right♥️ stay tuned!! ive been feeling bleh as of late but hopefully that clears up soon

[turnaboutedits]

hiii i'm mod maya, i use they/it/love/gore. this is my new edit blog (not specifically for kin, but ppl who are kin can always request!). you can find more info about what i can make and other stuff about me under the cut :]

can i get a promo perhaps?

@sunnys-headspace-full-of-edits @fairytalefragments @doki-doki-edits @froggykinz @sarv-editz @twisted-lies @ultimate-kins @kaedxll @www-knot-com @hexedits @ideal2d @cookierunkindom and anyone else who wants to!

: ̗̀ ᨳ abt me ;

hi! im mod maya but you can also call me blue. im a minor and i use they/them, it/its, love/loves, and gore/gores pronouns. im neurodivergent, an osdd system host, and i edit for fun. my f/o list can be found here!

: ̗̀ ᨳ rules ;

ALL REQS ARE SELECTIVE. i delete any requests i dont want to do. if you want to know if your req was denied or if i just didnt get it/havent completed it, youre always free to ask. credit is required for use of all of my edits. feel free to ask if i'd be willing to do an unlisted source. please specify if your request is for a fictive or d/a so i can put a 'no kin tags' note. also, if you send an ask off anon or give me an account to tag, you can request no one else puts kin tags on your req. do not request things for the sources attack on titan, boyfriend to death, camp camp, country humans, family guy, hetalia, killing stalking, nekopara, south park, the arcana, vivziepop media, yandere simulator, yarichin bitch club, lore olympus, personas/egos/real people, the dre/am s/mp or similar sources, or hamilton the musical. do not request anything including any form of abuse (animals included), body horror, rape, incest, pedophilia, sexualized age regression, suicide, or self harm. if you want to have a higher chance of me accepting your request please be polite (say please or thank you)

: ̗̀ ᨳ i offer ;

; icons (shaped/pride/reply/etc included) ; gif icons ; moodboards ; aesthetics ; stimboards ; wallpapers ; sprite edits ; messy layouts ; kin positivity ; neopronouns

: ̗̀ ᨳ sources ;

; ace attorney ; cookie run ; danganronpa (thh, sdr2, ndrv3, udg) ; friday night funkin (+ mods) ; omori ; doki doki literature club ; splatoon (both games) ; cucumber quest ; undertale/deltarune ; portal (both games) ; otherkin/non-media things

: ̗̀ ᨳ blacklist ;

weirdcore. liminalcore. cis/transmasc chihiro. ult. imposter. soudam. sonia x kazuichi. bandaid. nanamiki. chihiro x mondo. tenko, mahiru, or hiyoko x men. danganronpa antags x women. junko ships. celefumi. leon x sayaka. togafuka. woh ships (dgr). agent 3 x agent 4. callie x men. callie x marie. pearl x anyone but marina and vice versa. dedf1sh x anyone but agent 8 and vice versa (splatoon). mommy meanest x anyone but daddy dearest and vice versa. skid and pump x anyone (fnf). miles edgeworth x women. maya fey x men. phoenix x maya or mia (ace attorney). milk cookie. typing out a long bl is kinda exhausting so basically i have the right to reject any requests i get

: ̗̀ ᨳ dni if ;

... you identify as (a): homophobe, terf/swerf, transmed, radfem, pedo/map/nomap/pear, pro-shipper/anti-anti, nazi, fujoshi or fudanshi, trump supporter, anti-lgbtq+, yandere, exclusionist, super straight/gay/bi/etc, mspec lesbian/gay, anti-vaxxer, endogenic system ... you support: pro-shippers / anti-antis, incest, pedophilia, necrophilia, yanderes, people who fetishize gay relationships (fujoshis/fudanshis), mspec lesbians or gays, endogenic systems, racism / racist people, abuse of any kind, problematic creators (knowingly), autism speaks, the dre/am s/mp or any of its members, ninjamuffin99, omocat ... you: knowingly erase canon lgbtq+ labels, ignore or deny canon queercoding, misgender trans/non-binary or trans-coded characters, don’t consume media critically, believe queer is a slur, are anti blm/acab or other racial justice movements, actively participate in most discourse or are primarily a discourse blog, support or interact with scftd/ll

[dandelion-san]

Hey, I don’t have an AO3 account so I couldn’t comment but needed to tell you that I’ve read a lot of mdzs time travel au fanfics and that vinegar jug is one of my absolute favorites. I’m not sure if it’s been discontinued, but if not then I can’t wait to see how it plays out! Anyways, that’s all I wanted to say, sorry if this was weird, hope you’re doing well, love your fic, ok byE~!

Thank you!! You are so sweet!

It’s, uh, definitely not discontinued for sure. It’s been a weird time for me, I’m currently unemployed (plz wish me luck) and my executive dysfunction is really bad right now, so getting started or finishing on projects has been a struggle. You’d think having a lot of time would make me want to do more things, but....bleh. Kinda just makes me feel like a potato, actually.

But I’m still very deeply involved within the MXTX fandom, and my interest hasn’t waned the slightest, so hopefully I can actually finish that last chapter lol. I definitely want to. I know how I want it to end, at least.

Also, your message isn’t weird at all. I really do appreciate messages like this! They are very encouraging as well as motivating ´･ᴗ･`

[incognitowetrust]

personal medications stuff/ comfort and motivation

Ever since I got on birth control, my period cramps have been worse, and have lasted a lot longer. Considering the pros and cons here, with my single-pringle self ain't bangin' anyone anytime soon, I don't need the stuff, so... YyyyyEEET!! 

Multi-day pain... I ain’t got the time or energy for that when I’ve already been requiring a nap every day when winter hit. 

Also, my wellbutrin dose has been upped... I had been taking it alongside m’ lexapro because it’s supposed to work kinda like a booster. At first, I tried taking the higher dose to start, and it made me feel kinda bleh, but then I realized I was just dumb and need to do the up it a little before going all the way thing. I was taking 150 mg pills, and now it’s gonna be 300 mg pills, but when I got the new pills I was like... AW FUCK because they’re these big ass horse pills that remind me of these uncomfortable ones I once took for a while years ago for my acne. Like... come on, THAT’S worth 2 of the small ones? Goddammeet. I haven’t had to take ‘em quite yet because I still have some of the other ones which I am finishing off first, but taking 1 and 1/2, so hopefully when I start downing a horse pill every morning that’ll be the only thing uncomfortable about it. Though, I guess it could be like getting a new pair of glasses regardless, where things are just... off for a few days. I dunno. I mean, I’m not doing badly lately in terms of depression or whatever, this is all just sorta fine-tuning for comfort and energy. 

This year has technically been a good year for me in terms of some personal achievements and growth. I’d say what has actually bothered me in recent months was the changing of seasons, and, well... admittedly some relationship issues with a close family member, not anything actually new in the relationship itself, I mean like it’s more like I’ve been coming to terms with how the shit’s been my whole life and still isn’t what I wish it was, much to my frustration, but idk how much I’d actually want to get into all of that here. It certainly has kept my thoughts busy basically all year though. 

I keep dropping off into the do-nothin’ pit after I get back in a art swing. I have a commission for a friend that I still need to do, but I guess the recent days have been just a bit weird for me. But I think I’ll get my shit back together soon for a while, there was at least one character drawing I had been working on. 

[adventuresasmrsfindley]

TGIF 💃🏼

I’m working a half day from home and then when hubs gets off we are headed to camp! We went shopping last night for the trip and completely blew the budget I had established 😂 I use the term budget lightly because I like to plan our money but i don’t try to stop us if we go over. It is what it is haha. I still need to finish a little bit of laundry and pack my bag. When I get off I have to run to the campground and get our passes because I think the place closes before we will actually get up there. I wish we could take our pup but it will just be too hot so my MIL is staying at our house this weekend to watch her. I haven’t had time to clean so hopefully she doesn’t judge.

I’m avoiding work like always lol I need to get logged in soon but I’m still just laying in bed. I have had no work motivation this week. Bleh.

[pertinax--loculos]

Weekly Update 05/09

Currently Writing

Absent That Night (tagged: WIP: ATN)

wordcount this week: 17,898

total wordcount: 76,025 [^^ considering removing this running total, primarily because it is horrifying D:]

total time writing: 9hrs 10min [^^ NOT A TYPO, somehow this is the exact same amount of time I spent writing last week. Fucking weird, man!]

Last week's goal: write minimum five scenes; scene-by-scene outline for first half of Act II Completed and exceeded the second half; against all odds, actually did end up writing five scenes, too!

Summary Started off this week believing it was going to lead up to a Total Failure, and ended up pleasantly surprised. Work kicked my ass at the start of the week with its unpredictability but it will hopefully stabilise from tomorrow. Come to the conclusion that setting specified amounts of time to write rather than word count/scene goals is going to lead me to be my most productive. It kinda forces me to push through the discomfort when the session doesn't start well, and that generally leads to completing more whether I feel like it or not.Additionally, my Shiny New Idea (the Unholy Mash-up Idea, or UMI as I will refer to it in future) has not gone away, but is bubbling away slowly at the back of my brain without taking too much focus off ATN, so that's nice.

Goal for this week: 4x 2hr writing sessions, 2x 1hr writing sessions, one day off

As far as reading... current read: beta reading!

finished Midnight, Water City by Chris McKinney Review in Five Words or Less: Not A Fan

In depth ramble about the writing highs and lows under the cut!

the start of this week was a StruggleTM. I think largely due to work, and shifts changing at the last minute and throwing my schedule in the sink. Wednesday especially I had to drag myself to the computer. Instead of 4-11pm Tuesday I worked 7am-2pm Wednesday, scheduled writing for the evening, and by god I did not want to do it. D: Twice I nearly talking myself out of it, cuz I was tired and I'd put it off too long so I'd stay up too late if I started then and excuses excuses

BUT! I did it! Sat my butt down and dragged out the first five hundred or so words, then managed to get another thousand or so on top of it

occurred to me as I was typing that that I also did a fuckload of planning on Tuesday, so the start of the week wasn't as unproductive as I thought

interestingly, the Shiny New Idea (which I've been mentally referring to as the Unholy Mash-up Idea, and henceforth shall be known as UMI) is quietly percolating in the back of my brain. Not taking focus away from ATN, but I'm getting little strokes of inspiration/ideas (generally at night/when I'm otherwise distracted) and I just keep jotting them down and putting them gently to the side. We shall see how this plays out when ATN is finished! Honestly having ATN pretty much plotted is helping me stay with it rather than jumping to a new WIP, because having a direction, a plan and a deadline is keeping me focused and motivated and basically it's great dear lord I hope I can keep this up ahahah

it has becoming blindingly obvious that I work well either in the morning, or at night. Thursday was a Day -- I had a doctor's appointment in the am (bang in the middle of when I'd normally write) and then was called into work in the evening. So I scheduled time for and attempted to write around 1pm. It did not work. I dragged about five hundred words onto the page (497 exactly, actually, which amused me no end) and then actually just quit for the day. I felt really tired (despite getting a decent whack of sleep), nothing was flowing, and I was barely even excited about what was happening in the scene, when it should be a really motivating point. So that sucked.😞 I did manage another hour of planning in the morning before the appointment, so it wasn't an entire write-off, but, just, bleh. Annoying.

re: the above points about not doing much on a few days -- I am trying to be mindful of burnout, as well. I'm pushing hard for a huge goal, and I don't want to end up utterly unable to write for six weeks after it. The deadline is entirely arbitrary, so while I'd like to make it, it's not the end of the world if I don't. And so I think that's definitely something to keep in mind

results are in: I definitely work best in the morning. (Which is gonna be a bit of a problem when I go back to Other Work, but that is Future Pockets's problem.  :')) Also, I'm pretty sure my per-session time limit is about three hours (with a couple of make a coffee/smoke breaks). Things start to get a bit stiff (physically) after that, and my brain starts to feel a bit drained. But still! Good things to have figured out. ^_^

not me adding a new scene before I've even gotten *checks notes* three scenes into my plan for Act Two! Ahahahah stop it this draft is gonna be so fucking long

[elevenhoursinfront-blog]

22nd April 2017

I woke up around 0600 to go for a wee. I rolled out of bed and tried to keep my eyes closed as much as possible so I didn't lose any "tired". Don't say you haven't ever done the same, it’s a real thing! I went back to my room and my key card wouldn't let me in. I was so angry. I tried the toilet again and it let me in, but it still didn't let me into the room. I had to go down to level 3 to reception so they could fix my card. By the time I got back into my room, I was well awake. I tried my hardest to fall back to sleep but nothing was happening. By 0700, Steve's alarm went off. He got showered and ready for work and left by 0730. He’s getting over $30 an hour as it's Saturday. Hopefully be more than the 6 hours they estimated it to be. 

At 0800, I went down for breakfast. I started to get really peckish. Whilst I was drinking my coffee, I managed to FaceTime my friend Tom for an hour or so back home. It helps that he's practically nocturnal. It was nice chatting away to him that we didn't realise just how quickly an hour and a half went. I received another parcel from my Mum which was lovely. She had sent me a book with a new bookmark and a FitBit. I loved it. There's a special feeling you get when you receive post from home. 

I went over and sat with Sophie and Megan whilst they ate their breakfast afterwards. We didn't have any plans for the day other than look for jobs. We were feeling lazy so we put a film on in the TV room. Luckily, there wasn't anyone in there watching something. We picked '10 things I hate about you' which is your traditional 90's chick flick featuring Heath Ledger. Great film. When the film finished, it was roughly 1100. We all left the TV room to go get showered and motivated for the day. I went upstairs and found Cherry having a mare. She's leaving on Monday morning to fly to Cairns but she has plans Sunday/Monday. I helped her sort out her stuff before she needed to get ready and go out. I got myself showered at 1200. I had a really long shower and I had a party playing music on my phone. It was the dreaded hair wash day, too. Bleh. When I got back to the room, everyone was out. I was able to play music in the room and even do a quick change of clothing (risky business). Mel came up to use my hairdryer after me. She was going out to lunch with a friend but I didn't really want to intrude. Mel invites me everywhere with her - doesn't matter what it is. I painted my toenails, moisturised and all sorts. A productive morning, I say. My roommate returned after 5 minutes of leaving though. I'll be happy when he leaves (Bristol guy). He will be going next Tuesday, I'm excited to have someone that actually leaves the room for longer than his 10 minute shower. 

I went down to make some lunch around 1400. I made carrots, rice and tuna which was the weirdest combination. I ended up eating the tuna and leaving the rest. I weren't as hungry as I originally thought. I sat with Sophie drinking tea for a couple of hours. We put her washing on, she sat in my room and met Sid (my sloth teddy from mum). She took a photo of him for Snapchat.  After the washing was done, we found Dan in the kitchen on our way to the Discount Chemist. He came along with us as he needed to buy body wash. 

The discount chemist was a 5 minute walk away from the hostel. It had all your main items but for half the price. I had used the last bit of my bar of soap in the shower this morning. I needed foundation too. I was going to buy the $5 one from Coles but I wanted to see what offers they had. I picked up the same bar of soap as before (Palmolive) for $1. I got a Rimmel foundation that I use at home too for $10 which was a bargain. Especially when I would normally spend £30+. Sophie went into Liquorland for her alcohol for the night. We were all going 'out out'. She bought a bottle of Whispers which is almost the same as Prosecco but more like piss. There's different fruity flavours and it's $5 a bottle. They're super strong too so it's enough to get you drunk. I didn't buy mine yet as I didn't know what Mel wanted or whether Steve was going to go out. He was still at work. We bought lemonade in Coles and crisps for the prees. 

Sophie went to put her washing away so Dan and I sat in the kitchen drinking tea. By 1800, Steve was back. A long day but he earned $300 which is brilliant. I wish I could do removals. Mel went to Liquorland and bought us a bottle of Whispers each for prees later on. Steve was knackered and didn't fancy going out which I don't blame him for. We all went up to our own rooms and said meet in room 1010 (mine and Steve's) to get ready at 2000. By 1900, Cherry was in the room having a mare, again. She was still trying to pack so I helped her. She came out to Australia with 23kg. To put this into perspective for you, I came out with 12kg and she's a size 6. The little dot has more clothes with her than I do left at home. She put a wash on and let me chuck some stuff in again which was nice. I had to get Steve's work clothes washed and it's always nice to have clean underwear. I told Cherry that she had to come out with us because it would technically be her last night here. Her 'Melbourne boyfriend' is taking her away for Sunday-Monday to say goodbye so the packing had to be finished by today. I sat down and packed her case with her until 2000. 

Sophie came in with speakers for music which was great, Mel came in 15 minutes late. Steve and Dan were just sitting on the bed chatting away. Us 4 girls were putting our makeup on and doing our hair. We were drinking our classy Whispers singing along to 'No Letting Go'. Kat and her two friends came into the room waiting for us. These rooms are your average bedroom size so it gets crowded easily. By the time 2130 came along, we were all ready to go downstairs to finish off prees. You're allowed to drink alcohol up until 2200 in this hostel which is fairly early but never mind. 

We all got down to the kitchen area and it was packed. There was alcohol and people everywhere. There was a game of Twister going on which was really funny. We all sat down taking group photos which was nice. I try not to get into any photos but I also get really sad when I have nothing to look back on. Our group to go out ended up getting bigger when we went downstairs. People decided to tag along which was good - the more the merrier. We managed to drink goon after our prees which wasn't the best idea. We left at 2230 to go a random bar that has free drinks between 2200-2300. It was on the way to the club so we thought why not...

We got there and I thought we were going to an Indian restaurant. We queued up and I shortly realised that we had to go upstairs into the bar. The Indian was below which makes sense. I had a glass of Prosecco. I got given two drinks vouchers but I didn't get served in time for the second which is really annoying. We left that bar at 2300. We walked the 15 minutes to 'Spice Market' which is the club itself, not a herb and spices market. The club was loud and busy. It was a small version of Oceana. The music was good but too much dance. I prefer songs I can sing along too but this had too many remix's and drops. 

We danced for hours before Mel suggested leaving at 0200. It's an early finish but we had been drinking since 2000. I had been awake since my issue with the card at 0600 this morning. I didn't by a single drink when I was out and I was really drunk. Goon is dreadful for that. I also realised I hadn’t really eaten either School boy error. I had 3 bottles of water inside the club though as they're given out for free. Not everyone left , only Sophie, Mel, Cherry and I. We all split to get food before going into the hostel. Mel wanted Lord Of The Fries, Cherry wanted McDonalds and Sophie wanted KFC. They're all within a 1 minute vicinity of eachother. 

I got back to the hostel and Steve was still awake for some strange reason. He put me to bed and tucked me in. Zzzzzzzzzzzz

[emztwdbruh]

Life Update

I want to write down exactly how I'm feeling and I've wanted to for a while but I've never been in the mood or had the time to, and I'm writing on tumblr instead of instagram because I complain way too much on there, ah. Right now I feel very weird and not very grounded, and just very off. But I've had a lot of good days too recently, it's not all bad!! My mum has been "away with the fairies" as I usually say when I don't want to say drunk, but I think she's coming back out of it now (hopefully) and I'm glad because I'm lonely and hate being here in the house on my own, it's dark and quiet and sad, and I don't like it one bit. As shallow as it sounds, I also hate having to make my own dinner because I'm a rubbish cook and everything takes me ten times as long because of mr ocd man™ Mr OCD has been playing up a bit, but even though his presence isn't always as loud anymore, I don't think he's ever really gone away since last summer. And I'm so tired of hearing his stupid voice in my head. Tired of doing what he tells me to do, all the gosh darn time. I hAte him. I still wash my hands a lot but this time it's in reps of 4 not 3, I still wait for the time and the numbers, 1, 2 (though not always) 9, 24, 25, 29, 11, 22, 33, 44 (the whole 11 times table) 42, 49, 54 etc are still bad plus more that I can't be bothered to write down. I still write and re-write words until it's right. I still have to copy exactly what is written down when copying things, which is probably why I always seem to be behind on notes, still have to follow all of the letter e's that I write with an e in my school books because e is bad ect ect ect. Still have to remember all of my movements, replay conversations, repeat safe words like "live" when I see people. That's a big one, actually. I wish that I could scream at everyone to live, live, LIVE!!!! I wish that I didn't feel as though their fates were in my hands all the time, it's not fun. I now mumble things under my breath because my brain says that if I don't say them, something bad will happen. Basically, mr ocd man is still being a massive arsehole, and I hate it just as much as ever. School. I used to love school but now it just stresses me out and there's so much to do and there are so many people there and a lot of the time I just want to shrink into myself and hide in the corner, but I also feel the constant need to talk to people because if I don't mr ocd man gets awfully loud. Thus, I end up being annoying. Or I get stupidly hyper and then convince myself that I've done something wrong, leading me to keep asking if my friends are annoyed at me or something. Or if one of them is sad, or not talking, or even looks at me weirdly, I think it's my fault. I think that I've done something awful, they can't stand to look at me, they'll never forgive me. So I ask them again and again if they're okay and I don't feel calm until they smile at me or talk to me or laugh with me. And given how stressed everyone is, that happens a lot. I cut my hair recently and I love it but when I'm around other people I just feel judged and horrible and I don't like it. I like it when my hair flops in my face but it doesn't look that good so I try and avoid having it like that at school but it never really works out, ah. Honestly, I feel kind of gross all the time. The way I look, the way I sound, it's all gRoss. I feel like I constantly need to have a really hot shower or something. Bleh. I've also gone back to not doing work and I really need to work hard this year and I'm letting myself down and I know I am but I have no energy or motivation to do anything half way useful. This rant is sounding very depressing, I'm sorry, there have been lots of good things too lately, they're just not something I feel I need to write about because I don't want to let those things go, just this bad stuff. I need to get myself out of this self-pitying rut because it's not going to get me anywhere and it's not going to fix anything. But it's good to let things out first because otherwise I'll just bottle them up and that's not good at aLL. So yeah. Life is okay, my brain is being a dick, my friends are lovely, and I'm just a little off. A bit sad, I guess. But I'll be gOod, I just need to sleep more and finish my period lmao. But yes feel free to ignore this random vent thingy.

[marianaeq]

Day 1

6/21/17;11:30pm. No hunger pains. 21 hours in. Coffee, tea, acv, and water. Only. Going to decrease my aerobics, weights, and yoga to only one hour to maintain energy.

Day 2:

6/22/2017; 8:00am. So far only restlessness and sore legs. Still no hunger pains. I’m realizing that I barely allowed myself to eat to begin with. Also told my mom about it. So, that’s a weight off my shoulders. 12:02 am: Slight headache around noon but went away. Time seems to move faster. 3:27pm: realizing smoking is the only time I feel my body the most. I mean, always knew that, but it intensifies the emptiness. 6:25 pm: bubble water saves me from being hungry since it makes me feel bloated and bleh. 7:44pm: hunger pains initiated.

Day 3:

6/23/2017; 6:30am. Called out- on pay day. Woke up feeling like I was dying. Trapped in a hot room dehydrated and empty. Couldn’t even zip my mom up. Feeling weak and have a settled headache. Grabbed water, served some coffee ,and smoked a bowl. Read a few posts to remain motivated. Haven’t worked out or yoga’d since Day 1. Since I called out maybe I’ll do some of that. I feel a little better but couldn��t run around for an 8 hour shift without fainting. Can’t call my doctor for a note either. On a later note, I’ve been a lot happier. Only sour today. 12:36pm: headache wore off. (No meds at all through this process). Sparkling water with cut fruit and chewing on ice is super fulfilling. Going to work out soon. 6:58pm: worked out for an hour and realized I should stick to simply cardio right now. Found myself almost giving up but continued research and preparation. I feel okay. Just weak. Very weak. But it’s apart of the process and why I gave today to rest. Minus my intense work out over cardio that has left me utterly defeated. 9:10 pm: Got a boost of energy and was able to do low cardio ( 10min run). Which actually got me sweating and feeling good again. Hopefully this prolongs until tomorrow. 9:30 pm: my mom keeps asking me if I ate- even after I consistently remind her. She’s working with me but I don’t know if she seriously forgets or keeps thinking I’ll budge.

Day 4:

6/24/2017; 8:57 am. Definitely a more energetic day! Woke up and actually got ready for work. Feeling a little weak but that’s normal. Feeling grumbles here and there but nothing major. No headache. Feeling really good. 11:03am. I decided to track my steps here at work to see how much I walk and half way through my shift I’ve accumulated 7 miles. I definitely feel less bad for not being able to work out today. 1:21 pm: my legs are restless and sore. Can’t wait to lay down for a while. 4:55 pm: Elaborated why I’m doing this fast to my mom and she seems a lot more understanding and supportive. Which is so essential right now. She even wants to attempt herself. Of course I’d only allow her to do a few days at most because she didn’t prepare for it. Oh yeah, cramps are definitely a thing now. 8:44 pm: probably shouldn’t mix things- oh well. Mom is actually supportive now which provides motivation. Slight cravings. But shortly faded. Realizing the hard part isn’t giving up but returning. Just the texture is horrid currently.

Day 5:

6/25/2017; 11:23 am: Dreams are becoming more dramatic, mysterious, and vivid. Woke up multiple times through out the night courtesy of my pups and each time felt more light headed. My heart was racing astoundingly at one point but practiced my breathing and it subsided. It may have no correlation at all but I’ve come to find that when I don’t have my fan on while sleeping I wake up feeling hthe worst. I have a headache but using my previous remedy of weed, coffee, and water I’m feeling okay. Just need to get my wits together. It’s my only day off so I have to record how long it takes for my headache to subside post waking up. 11:54 am: headache gone. Feeling a little weird though. 12:10 am: feeling better. 9:00 pm: Broke fast. Binged. Heavy.

Day 6:

6/26/2017; 9:28 am: Worked off 1300 cals in today’s morning work out. Waking up energetic and ready for a full blown cardio work out to work off that binge was amazing. Even spent about 10 mins in the sauna cause that’s all I had. Definitely going to continue working out and merely eating less than the cals I lose. I can’t completely stop eating because I can’t stand the lack of energy when I love intense work outs too much. So I’ll split them. Days I don’t work out, I fast. And days I work out, I don’t. Which will most likely be weekend fasting and week work outs and low cal intake. I’m going to continue tracking and making this a weight loss journal.

Day 7:

6/27/2017;1:05 pm: probably the hardest day so far. Emotionally. I feel mad and annoyed. Smirky comments aren’t settling and I want to unleash on everyone. Want to take my meds. Want to be back on my meds. Anyways. Haven’t worked out today, already 5 miles in at work, and haven’t eaten anything.

Day 8:

6/28/2017; 7:42 pm: work was good. Actually maintained a good mood all day. Then hit the gym for a couple hours. Concluded with a shower, yoga, a few hits, and now relaxing in bed. Fasted today. It’s been a little over 24 hours since my last meal and this wasn’t even planned. Truly didn’t feel the urge to eat. A little grumble here and there but nothing crazy. Fell into my substance whole again last night. At least I feel good today and strong. Might snake on some ice while I watch this movie this call it a night.

Day 9:

6/29/2017;7:47pm: becoming more and more aware of my binging. What I binge on over other things and how much I do and why. I’ve even started questioning drinking and when to eat and not eat..everything is calories and exercise and fasting and binging and it’s all so much..and it’s crazy how it’s all in my head sometimes. Oh well..having a nice night tonight regardless and I’ll be back to means tomorrow.

Day 10:

6/30/2017;10:02 pm: I ate and drank quite a bit today but I feel confident. Probably the drugs. I’ll be back tomorrow x 2.

Day 11-12

7/01/2017-07/02/2017; 1:44pm: fat ass. Total fat ass. What a hard passed 4 days. Fasting starts tomorrow until Thursday. And working out.

Day 13

07/03/17; 10:41 am: I have to take this more seriously. I’m definitely smaller than when I stated but I’m staying stagnant. Woke up feeling tired but motivated. I could be so much closer to my goal if I stop having set backs. One month of seriousness. No binging, no excuses.

Day 14

07/04/17; 11:42 am: back on my meds! I’m eating now and plan on being at the gym for a few hours so I gotta fuel. Going to start forgiving myself about the little slips and realize this is the smallest I’ve ever been and I should be proud.

Day 15-16

07/05/17-07/06/17; 8:23 pm: got a weee bit too drunk last night and ate little to nothing. Same today, just snacks. No meals. Haven’t worked out in a few days. On vacation now..

Day 17

Must re-motivate myself! Just did an hour swim and about to start my day with some coffee and hydrate on water all day. Going to restrict myself heavily. Spent the last 12 + days maintaining my weight and that’s not the goal. Must refocus. I got this!

Day 18-21

N/A. Starting over.

Day 22

07/12/2017; 7:00pm. Successful day! Ate something this morning was able to run 5 miles without stopping once, put in work on the restraints and weights + swam about 10 laps to cool down with some 10 minute sauna time. I feel pretty darn good. Plus! I didn’t binge. I did have a second serving for dinner but it was already pretty low cal. And still able to reach my goal weight soon! It’s been a real roller coaster with my battle with binging this experience. I’ve never binged like this and I must say I think it was due to the fast. I hate to get my body right again and then I couldn’t stop!!! But I’m back from vacation and I have confidence! Hopefully it maintains.

Day 23

07/12/2017; 9:17pm. Worked off a good 1000 calories today during my work out. Added with the calories from running around at work all morning. I was pretty set to have a high calorie intake day. But still managed to stay in the positive. My current weakness: almond roca dark chocolate. It was on sale 1.60 as oppose to the original 8. Nowww I know that’s no excuse to have idk 6 little pieces throughout the day.. and a vanilla ice cream cone. Still in the positive though and no serious binges! Just couldn’t resist the little treats. I’m regaining my self everyday. I’m just becoming more forgiving with myself.

7/13-7/17

mentally fucked up- not gaining. Working 10 days straight, currently on day 6.

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhhhh... *derp* (More stuff about indecision, some talk about doctors and some blog changes)

Lately has been well... kinda okay but mostly meh. I’ve been flip flopping between feeling somewhat content with myself and a little motivated and feeling absolutely empty inside and distraught. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post here (actually a reblog lol) and I’ve really been wanting to write a post but I’m still stuck in the habit of putting it off until I know for sure what I want to write or have the privacy to do so. Or maybe it’s just me being a big scaredy cat again :< I think from now on I’ll try to just write as if I’m writing in a diary, so more spontaneous and with less worrying about structure/keeping to just one topic or whether someone reads it or not, as I’m doing this for myself and my benefit most.

Although I was dawdling I did however sort out quite a lot of stuff to do with the blog and some good stuff irl (which I’ll get to later or in another post). One of the main things to mention is that I switched this blog from my primary one to a side one, which does make more sense and makes me feel a bit more at ease which should make it a bit easier to write and post without the restraint I was feeling before. Whether to keep them linked or not idk, I feel uneasy about it but I don’t think it should matter, I mean it is still me on both blogs and everything. I just wanted to separate the huge blocks of serious emotional text from the random cutesy and silly stuff I also wanted to post, but I think I might still post mental health related things to my main one, just in the form of images and not essays like these lol. 

Also I changed the urls from the hyphenated and maybe overly fancy termed things they were previously to more simple and cute ones. I still feel a lil iffy about them (like this blog url feels a bit ‘cold’ but looks pretty and flows well while my main one sounds more ‘warm’ but the world cuddly doesn’t flow well or look as nice lol) but whatever I’ll grow to like them or just change them again whenever, I spent way too much time agonising over them, it’s time to move on! I fixed up the about pages on both of them too, the links and tags pages are still empty for now, but I’m content enough with the way they are now to actually begin posting properly soon I hope. Oh and the current avatar/sidebar image is a really crappy drawing I made 2-3 years ago with a mouse when I was feeling down and was going to make and name this blog ‘rainysnail’ lol. I still might use that name/url someday for something though ^^

I searched for ‘extreme indecisiveness’ in google the other day because I was that frustrated with myself about well, being indecisive (and it was over the same lame url/blog stuff as before, not surprise surprise). I know there’s a lot of stigma around consulting ‘Dr.Google’ and self diagnosis being looked down on as it could prove to be more harmful in some cases and I won’t lie, I do get kinda hypochondriac-ish sometimes, but sometimes it can be very educational and helpful too. I just wanted to know if I was feeling something... something valid(?) or if I was just being an idiot. 

I came across ‘Aboulomania’ on my indecisiveness search and wow, it sounds pretty similar to AVPD and my current feelings but the way it’s written is kinda heavier? (and hella typo-ey/engrish-y lol I just chose that one because it seemed to have the most info from the few I clicked on). Idk... it doesn’t seem to be as much of a known/legit thing so there doesn’t seem to be that many sources on it or at least any reputable ones (though I didn't look particularly hard or for a long time though but once you’re past page 2 on google everything is bleh anyways lol). Also on its definition here lol it talks about ‘analysis paralysis’ and that’s something I kinda knew of and struggle with already. I feel some resonance with this finding and feel a little more assured and saddened at the same time, but I’m not about to run around screaming I have this thing or anything. Maybe I’ll look into it more another time but right now I kinda don’t have the energy to .__.

Indecision is something that appears and could be caused by all sorts of disorders, even just depression alone or a whole mix of other things and factors. Many disorders overlap (like the stuff in cluster c which I feel are most relevant to me) and trying to pinpoint exact reasons and causes for things to do with mental health is near impossible, so I don’t wanna dwell on it. I have therapy soon so having a professional help work out things is a much better idea (unless they also consult Dr.Google like some of the stories I’ve read online lol).

I did see some snippets of advice on indecision on another page and it was basically to let go of the feeling to try and always be perfect/choose the definitive ‘right’ decision and to just trust your gut feelings instead of leaving yourself to stress over it. Yeah, it’s nothing new really and I have been trying to do this but sometimes it’s just so difficult with all these automatic negative feelings weighing my rationality down and sometimes I forget because it’s so hard wired into me to get anxious and over analytical. *Sigh* ...but if I keep reminding myself I think it will stick more in the end. I have already adopted the ‘it doesn’t hurt to try’, ‘just do it, ‘yolo’, ‘no1curr’ etc. kind of mindset/mantra when I get hesitant before doing something that I usually avoid lol, sometimes it fails but the times when I have been brave and not overthought or avoided I’ve felt kinda proud of myself and there were some positive-ish outcomes too. So I just need to continue and allow myself to grow stronger in mind and spirit (and hopefully body too).

In relation to what I said before about the whole ‘Dr.Google’ thing, I thought maybe take the time now to write about my experiences with doctors in general. Many times in the past and even now when I would be explaining my problem (whether physical or mental) to a doctor, they would just shake their head and scoff to them self or even outright laugh smugly and then dismiss it straight away (especially if I mentioned I read something on the internet). The feeling of being fobbed off and even ridiculed by someone that’s supposed to be helping didn’t fare well on my confidence at all and I feel it is a reason I wasn’t proactive in sorting out a lot of the problems I’m still dealing with and obviously I am regretful, maddened and saddened as many of them could have been avoided or alleviated better if they were dealt with sooner.

I’m not saying all doctors are like this, I think it was those particular doctors that were the problem and thank goodness I don’t have to choose to see them anymore (I hope). My current doctor (who I actually came across due to those mean doctors being unavailable one time) is worlds apart in the way he handles things. He is so kind and accommodating to start with, listens well to any concerns, addresses them with great care and reassurance and is very adept at scheduling appointments for further investigations. I feel he really goes above and beyond and has both a friendly and personal but professional demeanour. I mean he isn’t 100% godly perfect as there were times I felt a bit iffy with some of the explanations and prescriptions and sometimes things were delayed, but he does try hard to help and is not against reading information from the internet and in fact encourages it and utilises it himself (eg. printing a informational page on a certain health thing from a reliable health website).

When I presented some info and concerns relating to a health problem I was having investigated already but felt was going in the wrong direction (ie. going down the typical ‘fob you off with the most common explanation so you go away’ route) he explained that it’s the typical process to go for the most common things first when investigating and agreed another route of investigation would be beneficial, more relevant and time efficient so he arranged that too. This doctor is such an awesome and good natured person and I’m so grateful, but he may only be temporary at the place I go to however and it makes me sad to think I might end up with the mean kind again someday. But the lesson is to not settle on doctors that are not helpful or any other type of awful and that there are good people out there. Something that was really very prominent and touching about going to this doctor is that my mother and sister who go with me sometimes were also stunned by how nice and helpful he’s been.

I distinctly remember one of the first times I went to see him with my mum and at that point I had been ill for so long already and she was obviously very worried about me. At the end of the appointment he announced what he would recommend me for investigation and assured that he’d help me get better soon with a smile and then he pointed to my mum next to me who I wasn’t facing at the time and I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something about my mum crying. When I turned to look, she was indeed crying and I couldn’t stop my own eyes from watering either. I have never ever EVER seen my mum cry before, so it shocked me a lot and made me emotional too. I mean my sister told me she did cry one time recently, but that was when she was so stressed and upset over a family matter on her side of the family :c It’s not like this is something on my bucket list or anything, because I would rather her never be upset or cry for a bad reason, but this showed how much she cares and worries for me and in this case she was crying because she was happy, relieved that she would possibly not have to see me suffer as much and was moved to tears.

Unfortunately the problems have still not been resolved or fully recognised yet, and recently one of the doctors recommended to help investigate fobbed me off and it feels bleh lol... no not lol... very un-lol :< But at least the investigation is still going further in some way I guess and I’ll take his words with a grain of salt, I’ve yet to see my regular doctor to discuss what happens next. I think I’ve just backed down and passively taken whatever explanations too much in the past with negative results or progress and Idk I have a hard time accepting things some doctors say nowadays, a lot of it seems contradictory, sometimes illogical or outdated, robotic, insincere etc. 

When I’m reading what I’ve just written it keeps making me worried I’m a ass or have trust issues or something... :< I know doctors are meant to be serious and professional, but I can’t shake the feeling that some of them are not nice/unwilling to help as much as they could. I have had so many past experiences to do with being treated differently and being prejudiced against and it still happens today and not just to me but all of my family members, it’s tough and really upsetting... :c

It is true though, that you really have to push and persist if you want something done about a problem, and many times people are let go and misdiagnosed with stuff that ends up being something different or a lot more serious. I’m not saying whatever I have is ultra serious and I wouldn’t know anyways. I am clearly not dying, and I hope I’m not, but when I was without medication at the beginning I felt so bad and I was so scared of dying (even though usually idgaf thanks to depression etc.) I’m scared of being in pain and having to suffer both physically and mentally forever. I want to get better, become a stronger person. do the things that matter and well, in a nutshell live my life to the fullest.

Anyways, about the app with the normal doctor... I avoided phoning on a day I could’ve gotten a sooner appointment (my sister encouraged me to, but she was away that day and my mum said it was an inconvenient day to go, but it actually wasn’t really... I should I have pushed myself to go forward even so...) the appointment I do have is 2 weeks away from what it could’ve been. But I guess maybe someone else might have taken that appointment that needed it more urgently, or there might not have been any available that day anyways w/e. Avoidance playing up again... be more brave silly self!

I was planning to write some more happier stuff that’s been going but this post is already quite long so a separate post it is~ and I won’t keep putting it off! Tbh I’m only comfortable pulling up my blog and writing my feels whenever I am alone, so when my family are all at work, but this only occurs on random days and for such a short span of time. Or at least when I know they are all busy downstairs, I can try but I feel like I have to be extra alert and switch it away when they do come. I... ugh idk :c I don’t want to be secretive or feel guilty but I can’t help it, it’s just so hard and frustrating. I can’t even write what illnesses I was talking about earlier on (though I do hope to dedicate whole posts to writing about them later). I will improve and forgo this paranoid feeling someday though! Believe it! *cringe*

[ayeletinthemountains]

Punta Bardini (aka my first ski tour)

3/28/17

All season long I had been going to the ski resorts attempting to learn to ski while I had a season pass. I had skied a couple of days over the past few years, but I knew the only way I would become decent was to really invest. So, I bought a season pass, rented skis for the season, and set aside peak bagging for the winter months to finally make some progress on this skill.

And then finally, at the start of my van trip, Leo and I headed to the Eastern Sierra. So, of course, I figured going to the mountaineering store in Mammoth would be a good option for looking at my first pair of skis. I wanted them to be decent both at the resort and in the backcountry, since I am currently too cheap and not invested enough to be one of those intense skiers with multiple pairs of skis. It was late March and the end of the season, so there was a big sale going on. I had purchased the Scarpa Gea RS boots from Alpenglow Sports in Tahoe City, and then in Mammoth I got a pair of K2 Wayback 88’s (they’re the men’s version — so they’re not pink!), some BD GlideLite Mohair skins, and the Dynafit Radical ST 2.0 bindings, all at a great price with free mounting. Score. So, I was ready to get out in the backcountry.

Looking out at Punta Bardini.

Kwyn had just finished her avy 1 class, and had made two friends — Ben and Magdalena — who were interested in doing some ski touring in the days after the class. I had met up with Kwyn in the afternoon of the last day of her class, to do the simplest “ski tour” ever (we went up a groomed road for 30 minutes and then skied back down, but at least I learned to put on skins, how to use my skis in each mode, etc). When meeting up with Kwyn, I briefly met Ben and Magdalena, and they invited our group to join them the next day for what they called an easy tour. I explained to them that I was a total beginner, had just bought my skis, was about to use them for the first time, but they said I should come along anyways. Okay, if they say so!

The next morning we (Kwyn, Leo, and I) met up at the Sherwins on the edge of Mammoth around 8:15am. They had picked out a simple looking ski tour up Punta Bardini, a big hill just to the south of Mammoth. It has some small bowls that we could come down if the avy conditions looked safe enough, and some small ridges covered in trees that we could take instead if we wanted a bit more protection.

Skinning up the ridge.

After having done it a total of one time before, I was now a pro at putting my skins on and setting everything up for walk mode. We took 15 mins to finish packing up, and then headed onto the snow to do our beacon check. After Leo led us through the routine, we started out on flat until we reached some rolling hills. I had my first opportunity to “ski” very small downhills in walk mode with skins still on. It was challenging, but I managed to make it down without falling.

We came to a bigger downhill that would take us to the base of Punta Bardini. Below us was a lot of shrubbery, and all the snow had melted out. We had the option to traverse far to the side to find some snow, but we opted to take off our skis and carry them down in hand, and then put them back on at the base.

From there, we started our true skin up Punta Bardini itself. The only other time I had skinned was briefly on our Pear Lake trip <LINK> which ended up being a disaster. I felt much more comfortable and confident this time (although, this much later in the season, there was also a lot more snow, which makes it easier). The sun was shining, there wasn’t too much wind, and there was great company. Ben and Magdalena are also doing the travel life right now, so hopefully we’ll be able to meet up with them at some point again in the future! Everyone was very encouraging and helpful with all things ski touring, so I felt very encouraged.

Nearing the top.

As we were going up, I did note that the terrain was kind of steep. We went up the ridge through the trees, which also made me nervous, but I kind of just went with it. It was also good to get some cardio going. I hadn’t done real uphill in ages, and over the course of the day we did over 2.5k ft of gain. We finally made it to the top around 12:30pm. We stopped and had a nice lunch on top, taking in views of the Minarets and Banner (Ritter was hidden behind Mammoth Mountain), and even a small sliver of Mono Lake. It was so nice up there that I somehow didn’t even think about how nervous I was for the way down!

But, sure enough, the time for that came. We stripped our skins, adjusted our boots, and got everything ready to ski. Okay, I got this, I told myself. I think I didn’t fully appreciate all the concerns I should have had though until we really started the downhill. 1) My new skis were a full 25cm longer than the rentals I had been on all season. 2) My new boots were way more aggressive than my rental boots. 3) I had never really backcountry skied before. And it was going to be steep. And there were a lot of trees. And the snow had a crust in places and was not consistent at all. Great.

Well, there was only one way to get down. Pretty much from the get go I was feeling the new length of my skis and the aggressiveness of my boots, so I felt pretty uncomfortable and out of control. But, the terrain wasn’t too steep at the top, and I managed to make some turns. I had my first fall, but it was luckily on my uphill side, so I was able to get up easily and continue down.

Obligatory summit selfie.

As I made a few more turns, I started to get less scared, despite falling. But then I had my first front-facing fall. I fell forward on top of my skis, and I had no idea how to move. I felt my right knee twisting the wrong way and I didn’t know how to move or get out of the position. Leo had been staying behind me to help me if I needed it, and he came to my assistance. I was totally freaking out and started tearing up. My knee was in pain, I didn’t know how to move, I didn’t know how to get out my skis, I couldn’t reach anything, I felt in over my head. Leo didn’t know what to do, and I just yelled to him to get my skis off so I could move. He managed to remove right ski, and I was finally free and no longer twisting the wrong way. It’s safe to say that I was totally freaked out and completely nervous about the rest of the descent. Bleh. I told Leo how scared I was and he just encouraged me, and told me I got it. I knew I had to pull it together and get down — that was the only option. I told Leo he should tell the rest of the group that they should just go ahead, because it was going to take us a long time, but they really said they had no problem waiting for us. That was nice of them, and kept my spirits high (while also made me feel bad/anxious about them waiting for me).

Well, back up on my skis and time to continue down. I managed to make a few more turns until pretty much the exact situation I just described happened again. I fell forward again, twisting my right knee, and didn’t know how to get out of it and was so nervous that I was hurting my knee. From there, I was spooked and really didn’t want to try any more turns on steep terrain. I’d decided I’d learned enough for the day and needed to get back out another day on easier terrain. As for today, I just needed to get down safely.

That meant that I ended up slide-slipping down the majority of the mountain from there. I felt embarrassed that I was doing that (especially since people kept encouraging me to do turns and actually ski), but I had just decided that I was too spooked and needed to get down. My knee felt a bit strained and I also didn’t want to risk hurting it. Occasionally, when the terrain was less steep and more open, I made some turns. But, for the vast majority of the way down, I was side-slipping.

Excitement on the summit, with Mammoth Mountain in the back.

Once we made it to the top of the bowls, we opted to take the bowls down instead of the ridge. It was definitely awesome seeing everyone ski down, and it was good motivation for me to get back out and keep learning and pushing myself. But, for now, I just kept side-slipping, and then made some turns at the bottom of the bowl as it started to get slightly less steep.

At the bottom of the bowl, we put our skins back on to head back up over the rolling hills. I was relieved that we had no more steep terrain to descend, and even excited for the few turns I would get to make down the easy hill at the end. It felt good that when we transitioned to ski mode for the last time and went down the hill, I at least was able to ski that back down safely and decently confidently.

And then we were done! I survived my first ski tour. And I leaned that I got too in over my head with new gear and a new activity all at once. The new plan is to resort ski on my new skis and boots to get used to them, and then I’ll be back out there.