#bipolar can suck me butt because i dont know whats mania and normal

[efangamez]

Don't know if it's the mania, but I showered today with my new warm light in my bathroom, shaved and am all lotions and soff, brushed my teeth with my new toothbrush, and I'm about to read some Blood Meridian before bed.

It feels super duper super nice right now. Brain is working on self care and it feels wonderful. 💛

[hopeless-helpless-heart]

1.19.19

so yesterday i went to the hospital and had a HUGE reality check from a customer who frequently comes in my store (she was one of the crisis clinicians on call)

just a lil background. i went to the hospital because my bulimia has been out of fucking control. i passed out on Monday, and purged so much on Wednesday that i almost passed out again. i also went because my suicidal ideation wasnt improving.

so i get there, check in, they do all my vitals, and hook me up to 2! mothafuckin ivs. one because i was really dehydrated, and the other because my potassium was severely low. they hooked me up to an ecg machine to monitor my heart rate or beat or some shit. all i know is when i went in there my heart rate was 158 and its supposed to be like 75-100? ya bitch was tachy.

so after i got a very supoortive talking to by the pa about how dangerous it was and how im basically wrecking my body and *will* die, they called the crisis clinicians. they came and asked me all the assessment questions, like have you been feeling hopeless, suicidal, aggressive, risky behavior, etc. AND EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS FUCKING MANIC. like ???? ok. and i know that i always deny when im manic because why tf am i manic if im being medicated ? but i digress. anywho, i told them, just like i told my therapist that i dont feel manic. *side note* i rarely experience euphoric mania. so, to all you bitches who get to be ecstatically destructive, suck a butt. so i explained to them that this was NOT a mixed episode. because i wasnt spending money, and i was sleeping 10+ hours a night. my sleep and my budget are huge indicators of mania.

so we talked and talked and i got really raw with these women because i had to be clear that i didnt want to die, i just needed to stop feeling how i feel, how often i feel it. and i feel like that's true for a lot of suicidal people. we genuinely want to be happy and lead normal healthy happy lives... but when we cant, and we like discouragingly c a n t. you think of a way out.. and these two women were sooooo helpful.

it is REALLY hard having coexisting mental illnesses. especially when they all trigger each other. and the women were like yea bipolar is hard. yea bipolar is stupid. and yes its soooo fucking complex. but the one who's my customer said "that doesn't mean you are. youre so insightful about what you need. we can tell youve had a really rough time tackling this, but youre so young and you have so many lessons to learn." FULL STOP. so i was like what Tina. what lessons do i have to learn ? and she tilted her head to the side, extended her arm and said "how to manage your disorders". and then went on to explain that it iss so hard, and ive been dealing with it for a long time, so of course im frustrated. and even though they won't go away, i have to be willing to help myself.

if im throwing up all the time, im not taking meds. if im not taking meds, literally every single thing gets worse. and i guess what im struggling with most right now is the knowledge that its not going away. im going to have bipolar disorder for the rest of my life. im going to have to overcome disordered eating, then work every day to keep myself healthy.

i guess what im trying to say is these women validated the fuck out of me. they didnt tell me to be grateful or thankful for anything. they didnt tell me i have to look on the bright side or to not focus on the bad, because they know how the disorder works. they told me i have to be willing to help myself through it. i have to be willing to talk to my therapist about my struggles. i have to be willing to follow a food plan and take my meds. i have to be willing to tell my psych when my tolerance is growing instead of being worried about getting 3 more blood tests. and that was honestly better than what a lot of people say.

everyone wants to be sorry when you're depressed. "im sorry". "oh man, im sorry". "im so sorry you're dealing with this". like ya... me too. i dont want people to be sorry for me -sympathy is fine or whatever- or everyone wants to offer their advice. what they would do. what they think you should do.. and honestly, sometimes all we need is someone to listen and be supportive. let me talk about my horrible ass day, without you saying im being negative. let me tell you im having a hard time eating, without you telling me to just eat. let me cry, without you trying to make me smile. im not broken, my chemicals will balance out. but allow me the space to hold hands with my feelings. yea it gets scary... its scary for me too 😒. but it doesn't always need to be fixed. sometimes you just have to ride the episode out. most times i just have to ride the episode out. and it's haaaaard, but it's okay. its usually when i feel really lonely and misunderstood that i get suicidal. i feel like i can't talk to anyone and i have to save face. i have to be who people want me to be, and that's so damaging. suicidal ideation most definitely comes out the purple, too. i can be minding my business, and BOOM. but its a symptom of a bigger issue. just like the bulimia. its a symptom of a bigger issue. and my bigger issue is unresolved trauma and a mood disorder thats wreaking havoc over my mental estate. and i KNOW that. and sometimes i just need to be reminded that im sick. im not broken. im sick. and anyone with a mood disorder knows its a larger scale with different extremes, and triggers are plentiful.

anyway anyway. they kept me over night to make sure my heart rate beat whatever stabilized, i ate something, wouldn't die of an electrolyte imbalance, and wouldn't come home and take all my lithium or overdose on oxy. but im home now ! and while i am obviously still depressed, ive managed to shower, eat and keep down half a bowl of oats, get rid of all the pills ive stockpiled, and make myself a nice hot cup of tea. and yaknow, like eat a banana lol.

im not happy, but i feel heard and seen. and that shit REALLY makes a difference.