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currently-hyper-fixating · 9 days ago

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Lost & Found - Ben Linus (Lost) x Reader

PART TWENTY-TWO

word count: 3002

summary: you're at the Dharma Initiative for an art residency in 1992 and develop feelings for Ben Linus. Twelve years later, you're back on the island as a survivor of Oceanic flight 815 with no memory of your time at the initiative, or Ben.

(for anyone catching up, we are currently time jumping between 2004 and the 70s)

other parts are pinned to my dashboard :)

notes: having a shitty week but getting a tattoo tomorrow! please comment if you feel inclined, i need something to motivate me haha

tagging (let me know if you want to be added or want to be removed at any point) @darkwing-katy @spiltmiiilk @alienwithabox @wintersnails @storywriter12 @bootlmoth @liliana-von-k @lulypooly @irelenia @amazonykamiaba @glitchyrealities @bigtoe-bandit

Winter, 2004

Ben continued to hold your arm as you walked to the Orchid together, trying to walk with urgency but slow down enough for you to feel okay after your injury.

You tried to make sense of the situation- how you had ended up right back with him despite leaving. How Claire was still missing and you had no idea if Kate and the others had made it off the Island yet. You thought about the truth in the words you had spoken to Ben- about not knowing what to do, who Jacob even really was. You felt you weren’t this person who could just blindly follow orders with little information, that you weren’t special.

You thought again about why you had parted ways with Ben- about Alex, about everything he had done up until now to seal yours and everyone else’s fate on the Island.

After moments of silence between the two of you, Ben spoke. “I didn’t know they were going to kill Alex,” he spoke clearly and pronounced, flashes of regret clearly present in his eyes. “Charles Widmore said he would never kill her, that’s what we had agreed to.”

You made note of the wavering in his voice as he continued looking straight, the shame present in it. You took a deep breath, feeling the numbness in your arm as you thought about what to say to him carefully. “I’m sorry,” you said, holding on to him more deliberately as he helped you walk. “I’m very sorry that she’s gone.”

You looked over to see him still averting his eyes from you, genuine sorrow being transferred to him now. You were upset with him still, shocked by many of his actions leading up to now- but you believed that he truly did not expect Alex to really be killed, and wanted him to know this.

Ben let go of his breath, not realizing he had been holding it, and felt a sliver of relief for the first time in days. “Thank you.”

He continued to look at you with wide eyes, choosing not to speak further. You began to realize that you recognized the path you were on towards the Orchid- one that you had been on many times before. It was overgrown now, much of the building that used to be there now gone and entrenched in vines from a distance.

“What does he want?” You asked, referring to Widmore now.

“The Island,” Ben said, surveying you again to make sure blood wasn’t still coming out of your wound. He was hurt by you leaving him twice now, not believing his intentions. He had expected you to stay with him despite his erratic behaviors- expected you to trust him. You nodded at this answer, thinking about Ben’s claim that Widmore was behind the killing of the Dharma Initiative, of his inability to go back for you afterwards. “The Island that I’ve been trying to protect and have spent most of my life in servitude of.”

You looked over to him, almost smiling, “In servitude?” You questioned, almost teasing him with your tone. “You want to claim ownership over the Island just as much as he does,” You suggested, letting the smile come over your face now.

“What if I do?” Ben challenged, raising his eyebrows at you now.

You stopped for a moment, noticing the alert in his expression as you did so, concern for your physical state washing over him. “Why do you need to?” You asked him, something of a pitiful look on your face as you smiled at him. You wondered why he needed this Island so badly, to prove himself so badly. You thought back to when you had met him 12 years ago, how differently he had acted when you were there to care about him and be with him.

Because it’s all I have, Ben thought, though he resisted saying so out loud. “You don’t think I deserve that?” He asked instead, eyebrows furrowed at you as if the suggestion was ridiculous, unheard of.

“That’s not what I said,” you responded gently, urging him silently to continue walking with you now. When you looked up and away from him again you realized you were arriving at the Orchid. When he didn’t acknowledge what you said or that you had arrived yet, you spoke again, “Thank you for helping me with my arm.”

Ben had gently let go of you by a wall, smiling at you as you thanked him before heading over to point out John’s mistake. “Couldn’t find the anthuriums?” He chided, shaking the plant in John’s direction.

“What happened to you?” Jack asked, and you realized you had just noticed he was there at all.

“A bullet flew in my direction and went through my arm,” you told him tiredly, holding your arm now as you leaned against the wall of the greenhouse.

Jack made his way over to you, “You could come with us- you could leave here and we could get you help better.”

You shook your head at him, though you did consider it for a moment. Your wound wasn’t that bad, and with the access to medical supplies the ‘others’ still had, you would likely be able to get it fixed properly- if Ben’s plan went as expected, of course.

“Y/n,” Jack started, meeting your eyes now. You thought about your recent tensions with him, how little faith and trust he had seemed to put in you. You wondered if he had simply seen you as another extension of John, and had been angry with you for following him. It was certainly possible. “Do you actually think either of them are going to be able to help you?”

You looked over at John and Ben as an elevator revealed itself, and you realized it was time to start walking over to them. “I don’t know how many times I have to say it Jack,” you said, pulling yourself off the wall to walk towards the other two, “I have to stay on the Island, and I want to. Good luck getting back.”

–

“You feeling alright, y/n?” John asked you as you made your way down to the station. John had taken over holding your arm as Ben handed him a tape, urging him to watch it if he wanted some of his questions answered.

“Mhm,” you answered, nodding at him. Your arm had not hurt as much now that the bleeding had stopped, but pushing your body to continue walking to the station hadn’t been easy. “I’ve never been here,” you told John, though it was more meant for Ben to hear.

“Everything we brought to the Orchid was just on the ground level,” Ben said, anticipating your confusion already. Ahh, you thought, thinking back to all of your jobs with him. It was true that you had only ever completed deliveries to the station outside- you would have never known about everything going on underground.

You turned your head to John as he watched the tape on the TV in front of both of you, “Is he talking about what I think he’s talking about?”

“If you think he’s talking about time-traveling bunnies, then yes.”

You found yourself laughing quietly, thinking back to asking Ben on your picnic in 1992 what they had been ‘testing on rabbits’ here. “You’d never believe me if I told you,” you quoted, beginning to

understand. Hell, why not, you thought, thinking back to your conversation with Jacob that you had only ascertained knowledge of through a hallucinogenic plant, Richard’s ever-staying youth, and a dozen other examples of things you had seen on the Island thus far.

You watched as John pointed towards Ben haphazardly throwing and moving metal objects into the vault as the tape instructed for metal to be kept far away. How is this going to move the Island? You wondered, watching with similar confusion to John.

“Do you know what you’re doing, Ben?” You asked, looking over to him with concern on your face now.

He looked up at you and John with his eyebrows raised, gesturing to the small white vault he had shoved objects into. “Well, judging by the fact that there’s still a wall here, what I’m about to do is based on theoretical knowledge.” You wondered how he maintained the sarcasm and lilting tone in his voice at a time like this.

Fall, 1975

It had been a few days since Miles had come into your house on his break from the security room and spent his time interrogating you about your involvement in the Initiative, as well as judging your relationship with Ben.

When you saw him next, you marched up to him, crossing your arms as you caught him outside of the cafeteria. “Miles, I really think we should talk about what you said to me the other day.”

Miles stood, taking a bite of the apple in his hand and looking at you with a bored, expecting look on his face. “What is there to talk about?”

You looked around briefly, wondering if it had been a good idea to approach him during the day in a more public environment rather than waiting to see him at James and Juliet’s house again. “I do know Ben.” You said quietly, urging him to listen to you and believe you with wide eyes.

“I would venture to say I know him very well. I know about everything he’s done- I know about what he did to Juliet, I know that he delusionally let power consume him to a point that he was putting everyone on this Island at risk over and over again-” you paused, sighing slightly, “and I know that he felt so guilty about leaving me on this Island that he tried to let me leave with no memory of ever coming here rather than force me to stay. I know that he brings me a bunny when we fight for the first time, that he saves my life, that he takes the time to bandage a cut on my arm amidst trying to move the Island.”

You watched as Miles met you with his eyebrows raised, waiting for you to finish talking.

“I know that he spent the majority of the time he was here lying to me and then his entire plan got derailed because I actually wanted to be around him and fell in love with him.”

Miles put his hands up defensively now, “Alright,” he said, “Are you trying to convince me to fall in love with the guy?”

You felt embarrassed now, realizing you had gone a bit overkill with your speech. “Sorry, I just-” you touched the back of your neck uncomfortably, “I like being friends with you,” you admitted, “I just can’t handle the idea that everyone thinks I’m stupid for caring about him.”

Miles furrowed his eyebrows at you, taking another bite of the apple in his hand more nonchalantly now. “I don’t think you’re stupid,” he said simply. “You care about him- that’s fine.”

You realized he didn’t seem to have much more to say on the matter, and you decided to press him a bit further. “And your dad?”

He narrowed his eyes at you slightly now, “Yeah, what about him?”

“Well,” you started, putting your hands in your pockets, “It’s okay to feel emotional about him being here, too.”

“I told you,” he said, looking bored with you now, “I’m really fine, y/n. Honestly, my situation is starting to feel a lot less weird than whatever you’ve got going on.” He widened his eyes at you, smiling now and starting to walk away from you. “I’ll see you around.”

Winter, 2004

When the elevator for the Orchid had lit up and begun to move again, Ben rushed over to you and pulled you to the wall where he was hiding. You looked up at him as John began to speak to Keamy- the man you could easily recognize as being the one who killed Alex. You opened your mouth to say something and Ben covered it with the palm of his hand, eyeing you intensely as he did so.

It felt like hours had passed with you making eye contact now, your heart beating faster as he stood against you in the tight corner, pleading with you silently to not make a noise.

As he stared at you and began to move forward slowly, hand still over your mouth gently, you thought about what he was going to do. You felt as though you could understand the look he was giving you, and felt a chill go up your back as you realized it seemed similar to the look he gave you when he had told you to run away from the Barracks 12 years ago.

You clamped your mouth shut, wordlessly promising him you wouldn’t speak or make a sound by touching the hand he held over you gently, to which he removed the hand and stepped forward. You found yourself listening to the conversation occurring between the three men- not daring to step forward yourself. You listened as the mercenary you recognized taunted Ben and John about the explosive on the freighter that was connected to his heart rate- taunted them about killing Alex, about how he would have killed her either way.

Your heart sank as you heard him say this, finding yourself wincing at the sounds of the three men struggling to fight each other, closing your eyes as you realized Ben had killed the man. You only stepped out of where you had been when you heard John asking Ben why he had killed him, if he had realized what he had just done to the people on the freighter- demanding an explanation for what was behind the wall Ben was about to blow up.

It was obvious to you why he had killed him, and you found yourself glancing at his body as you thought about Alex, about what he had said about her. You thought about Ben’s reaction, his inability to think clearly in the moment and you felt you had understood him in some strange way.

You had to steady yourself against the wall, still not used to the physical toll of your injury and the shock of seeing a dead body on the floor now- none of which helped when coupled with the bang of the vault Ben had blown up.

Ben had told John that he would be better at separating leading from emotional responses, much better than he was ever able to- and then he put on a jacket that was left in the station.

You felt your head ringing again, willing yourself to not just stand there or run away, to actually do something about the situation unfolding in front of you now. “You can’t just leave,” you said, stepping forward towards both Ben and John now. It wasn’t a well thought out objection to make, but you couldn’t think clearly enough to find a better one. You had no idea what to do and your guidance was now being flung onto John- whom you trusted dearly, though you assumed he was in the same position of confusion as you were.

Ben looked at you with his eyes wide as he adjusted the coat onto himself, the softness of the look on his face surprising you. “Jacob told John we needed to move the wheel and I’m the only one who knows how-” he looked away from you for a moment. “If you go with John he’ll take you back to Richard- they can help you better than I can.”

You felt an array of emotions going through you. But I don’t want you to leave, you thought, realizing that saying so would do nothing to stop him. You considered Richard never disclosing what he knew about Jacob to you, and how he said he would. Yes, getting back to Richard is the best course of action.

Ben shook John’s hand, apologizing for making his life miserable. You started to feel that you were wrong about Ben- that resoundingly, he was doing the right thing despite his mistakes in the past. If only it had happened before you arrived here, at the end of the line.

Ben turned to you and had a look on his face that made your heart break slightly, a look that was unsure if he’d see you ever again, that he was unsure if his plan would work at all. You reached forward and hugged him suddenly, ignoring the protest from your injury-sustained body as you did so. He was stiff for a moment, not anticipating this from you, though when the shock subsided he pressed his face until your shoulder, an arm making its way over your back.

You smiled, though he couldn’t see you, speaking to him softly as your lips just barely brushed against his ear, “Maybe one day we’ll stop meeting right before some cataclysmic event, hmm?”

Next part :)

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