#big shock I overthink things that in no way impact my life

[inchidentally]

(sorry for editing to keep things out of tags) (also preface that I ship pretty much anyone with anyone but that car lando, land oscar and char los are by far my favorites)

ok first and foremost I have to laugh so hard at them choosing Lando and Oscar?? as "pure PR" when

car|ando is quite LITERALLY used as Formula 1 PR ?? the official accounts of Ferr/ari, Mc|aren, Carlos' personal socials, Quad|rant,LN 4, F1, TV networks, Netflix and DTS,the whole of the Vegas race and every. single. sponsor. use car|ando to boost visibility. that's not a commentary on the validity of their friendship at all but it is quite literally a PR bromance that rakes in views and engagement

let's all be honest here the Mc|aren media folks are still hardcore car|ando people and can only bring themselves to remember the land|oscar ship name once in a blue moon (I have mixed feelings about that but I'm also not a fan of containment breaches so ig I'm relieved one of my ships isn't used as social media corporate currency??)

people's biggest complaint/compliment (depending on who's speaking) for Oscar is that he doesn't play up for cameras the way Carlos and Daniel do and struggles at PR !! literally he was only a little bit better at this in Prema and only because he'd known most of those boys for 5+ years already and their audience was tiny!

every single comment from a non fandom F1 fan on land|oscar content is how unusually shy Lando is around Oscar or how Oscar needs to "come out of his shell" and "not make Lando work so hard"

and Daniel "Mr. F1 PR Department" Ricc|ardo????? are they seriously saying Lando and Oscar (who are still trying to figure out how much they can even casually touch each other) are PR when Daniel and dan|do ticks every single bromance box????

like who the hell but a twitter user who ships rpf like it's a government conspiracy would pick land|oscar out of all Lando ships for a fake or publicity friendship when they literally don't do any of the pretend gay stuff or the horseplay or the memes etc. that is literally the wildest take I've heard in yeARS

anyway as usual I thought creepily deeply into this and decided to spend my time unable to sleep typing an essay weeeeeeeeee

see I was mostly lurking part time during the dando era so I wasn't sure but fr why isn't there this "competition" between dando and carlando like there is with carlando landoscar?? dando was MAJOR gay fandom service by comparison and they've consistently spent more time together outside of racing weekends and hobbies than Lando and Carlos since Carlos has always spent most of his travel and downtime during the season with Isa and now Rebecca. Daniel and Lando go on little excursions together even now and he was with Lando much longer as a teammate than Carlos.

so for people who've left reality to the point of thinking these men are in a genuine secret gay romance competition for Lando… surely Daniel/dando should be the ultimate enemy number one?? especially when evidence immediately surfaced that Carlos' thirst posts on Lando's bday were his side of the thirst posts Rebecca did the same day from their holiday right after the Brazilian GP, whereas Daniel took Lando with him in a small group of close friends to the desert after Vegas. if I were someone who thought that all F1 girlfriends are "PR escorts" - or whatever bullshit is the latest sexist woman-hating theory of choice - then I'd be so mad at Carlos for "ditching" Lando for Rebecca and then Daniel posting not one but two beautiful, moody pics of traveling with him. forget that Lando only reposted Oscar's birthday post, surely Daniel posting on the account he only made because of Lando with a camera he only bought because of Lando pictures OF LANDO is the biggest source of betrayal !!

I just. cannot imagine wanting rpf to be this exhausting and enraging when you can just ship all of them and also not create conspiracy theories about girlfriends that keep getting disproved at every turn.

but yeah as anon #2 said it's not even like carlando are super close friends outside of F1 (as Lando himself said) the way George and Alex are but I don't see anyone in rages about galex or their irl relationships or saying they can't be shipped with any other driver?? maybe I just don't see it on my feeds but it's definitely not as big a deal as the carlando exclusivity stuff that's been bubbling up everywhere.

and exactly! as sweet as it is that Lando and Carlos pair up in the few moments the drivers are all doing media duties etc together it's also what every. other. driver. is doing with their buddies. sometimes they stand in larger groups but those moments are when they get to catch up with guys outside their own team. Oscar and Logan find each other every single time and a lot of that time they spend away from the other drivers. Max and Charles, Yuki and Pierre, Esteban and Lance etc etc. much as I would love it if this implied that all of these driver friends are suckin and fuckin their bros on the DL it's tragically not the case.

I feel like maybe?? carlando as a ship developed into part of the fans going larries level of problematic is because the Lando they watched with Carlos was so young and literally formed a lot of his F1 persona around Carlos. that version of Lando is basically a handy self-insert for fans worshiping Carlos.

as we know Carlos does NOT view himself as the number 2 driver even when he in every technical sense is. so it speaks to just how much of a little uncooked chicken nugget Lando was during their season together that Carlos has never once viewed Lando as competition and even now sees him as a lil cub kind of like Max V does with Lando. they're happy Lando succeeds but he's not classed in with the guys they really get pissed off with or perceive as threatening.

Lando talked here about how he spent a lot of that first season in F1 anxious about his performance compared to Carlos and his own future in F1 and that he largely had to work to put on a smiley face for the cameras. I actually think that entire first half of the clip is a great example of how the carlando chemistry came from Carlos being someone who loves being silly and laughing a lot in his time off the track and how convenient that was for Lando to help hide how much he was going through privately. when the media decided that Lando is meant to be adorable and silly all the time, someone as easy to get along with as Carlos was perfect timing. did nothing for Lando's actual personal struggle behind the scenes but it kept up a solid boundary between Lando and the media. I can't find it now but there's that old interview of Carlos being dismayed at Lando one day being sullen and quiet even when Carlos tried to joke with him - he was half kidding but Lando looked a bit uncomfortable and said "yeah I don't know why I'm like that sometimes". then it just got joked off as Lando being a moody teenager (which Lando visibly didn't really like).

so like, this is what their relationship has always been! Carlos represents a place Lando can go to and not have his demons or his problems follow him. and for someone who has always been used to physical affection, Carlos' lack of boundaries has always been extremely welcome as an endorphins boost.

but let's be honest here that's exactly the same super physically comfortable chemistry Carlos had even with Max and now has with Charles. I know the charlos of it all is probably a whole other hornets nest but fact is that to Carlos, Charles is equally a grown man to him and they can do the whole european buddies jokey flirting thing without it being weird. not the same as with Lando…

I've got to point out that when you look at comments not from fangirls, carlando as a "ship" is seen by F1 fans as big brother and baby brother or even dad and son relationship. this video was recently posted again from the stream where Carlos very firmly shut down people asking him to kiss Lando. whereas he'll jokingly ask Charles for a kiss and call him "darling" while being pretend domestic together. it's pretty damn clear that Carlos will joke about the bromance with Lando to an extent but Lando is The Baby and a little brother. Carlos wants to take care of Lando and he does not view him as a contemporary the way he does with Charles.

and considering Lando still suffers from the same anxieties and getting stuck in his own head, I've said before how I love that hanging with Carlos can still clear those cobwebs away. they can golf or just chat about any old bullshit and Lando can escape whatever is hanging over him for a while.

I truly do not know why people find that very real relationship insufficiently sweet and amazing and think that imagining them to be secret boyfriends is so much better ?? I mean absolutely rpf it the way I do for fun! but how bad does someone's gaydar have to be to think Carlos would have a single clue what to do with a penis that's not his own lfhajhfsa. American fans need to spend some time watching European friend groups and realize the insecure nohomo thing does NOT exist outside the US.

idk how many girlfriends have to get harassed or how far the media will push it before Lando or Carlos actually get sick of the whole ship thing but I think I speak for all rational carlando fans when I say that it's well past time to throw this whole conspiracy theory away. folks need to enjoy their friendship and ship them how you want for fun but don't push this thing to the point of even more discomfort. or worse make them change their behavior to get the focus off of them.

especially when you come to the landoscar of it all and deciding that it's a battle of the rpf ships. we've all seen those delusions in other fandoms result in baffling amount of hate that cross over into real life and how ugly it gets. carlando comments are already pretty out of control on Lando content that doesn't even remotely involve Carlos and it's bleeding onto McLaren content that involves Oscar.

I guess if I really make a few leaps in lofic then I can maaaaybe kind of see ? where that insecurity is coming from with those shippers. I do not understand it but if I had to guess it's possibly that we're seeing a totally different side of Lando than usual since he's been teammates with Oscar. and that for once, Lando's growth isn't dictated or based on his teammate being a big PR personality.

professionally he has said many times he's been pushed by Oscar into his own best F1 season yet. he's also matured a huge amount when it comes to his own failures and we've never heard him be so grown up and balanced as when he talks about how happy he is for Oscar and McLaren that Oscar got the sprint win before he did. that the "hurt" he feels over it is entirely because he is angry at himself for making mistakes. him doing the season farewell video and being able to ruefully joke but be genuinely proud of Oscar is so different from little Lando slumped and barely clapping during Carlos' departing speech or Lando looking out of it and a bit annoyed when Daniel would still try to do jokes after a particularly brutal result. Lando is behaving on his own terms in his own team now. he's The Guy.

Lando's grown UP. we're seeing a very finished article in him. and it's not because he's reacting to who Oscar is it's because Oscar's just letting him be. he's seen Oscar choose not to fake it or play up for the media and realized 'oh! I can be upset or depressed if I feel like it and not dance like a puppet when people want me to be fun and silly!'. he saw Oscar's urgency to prove himself after finally getting a seat and Lando realized that Oscar was just assuming that Lando would default be the superior! he saw Oscar backing away or leaving room for Lando to be the fan favorite and Lando's natural instinct was actually to let himself be quieter and take up only as much space as he wanted to! he's spent the whole season being asked to be an F1 global representative all on his own with no bromance attached and Oscar is there back at the garage or the McLaren motor home smiling and congratulating him like always!

in short, Lando suddenly has room and space to be whatever he chooses and Oscar has been open to any and all of it. they became immediate competition for each other without needing to hastily construct a friendship or bromance to negotiate it. Oscar shrugs off his own disappointments and doesn't gloat or overdo his achievements and oh! isn't it nice that he isn't expecting anything from Lando except respect! Lando doesn't have to navigate anyone else!

that's why I refer to them as sort of I guess a plantonic crush? I did this equally huge and weird post about this here. Oscar has admired Lando for a long time and Lando has absolutely loved having a teammate who doesn't view him as a baby or a kid brother. Lando is so intrigued by how calm and solid and strong Oscar is and Oscar still cannot quite believe Lando is right there in his life and as his teammate. the little cautious dance they're doing is absolutely precious but also because it's so intensely earnest. they both have such big long term plans for themselves and they are so happy to be working on those together that they aren't doing the whole let's find a schtick or do a bromance thing. if it takes them a long time to settle what their relationship is then so what!

and I guess for people who want to think that Carlos and Lando's friendship is 'superior' to every other relationship in their lives (as if Max F will ever be dethroned in Lando's life) it's got to take the already unstable mindset and upset it even more to see Lando personally growing into someone they don't really recognize and at least in some part because of Oscar.

because the carlando shipping that I see from these more extreme people (and I fully acknowledge they're a loud minority) basically eradicates Lando's agency and identity outside of finding Carlos hilarious or hot. they misinterpret Carlos being the authoritative role into Carlos being fully in control of carlando and Lando basically dancing to his tune and reacting to him. they never post the serious, slightly darker side of Lando because it's typically not associated with Carlos. unless it's Lando missing Carlos or upset that Carlos isn't around lol.

so I can only imagine that Oscar's arrival coinciding with a more mature and focused Lando who allows himself to want to be taken seriously and no longer spends all of his on-camera time screeching with laughter or flailing around is ummm not to the taste of those people. Lando still has screeching fits sometimes but he's overall a much calmer person and it's nice to know that when he laughs with Oscar it's always genuine since Oscar has no idea how to play up for laughs. it's probably why Those Fans are now aggressively posting Lando and Carlos doing the driver's parade together (again, among all the other paired off drivers lol) with "ALWAYS TOGETHER" AND "ALWAYS COMING BACK TO EACH OTHER" as if fate is trying to stop carlando from being the only thing that matters. because I guess in their minds, Lando can't just be believed when he says that Carlos is an F1 buddy the way other guys have F1 buddies and Lando can't grow up and have a personal best year without Singapore being solely about carlando and how Carlos took care of him (fuck off???? Lando would've gotten P2 or P3 anyway bc he had an excellent race??) and Lando won't be heard when he says actually Silverstone was his favorite race not Singapore because Carlos Carlos Carlos.

of course Lando can't have found a new kind of friend and teammate in a guy like Oscar who is wholly unlike Carlos in every single way imaginable because that would mean there are parts of Lando that don't suit Carlos and carlando. it would also imply that Oscar is a better teammate for Lando than Carlos was (which is true) and that oh no if Lando is no longer pining for Carlos to be his teammate again (he isn't and he said so) then that means Lando exists outside of carlando and that means they're gonna have to pile extra hard onto proving every single instance where carlando is still one of the most important things in Lando's life (it isn't and that wouldn't be healthy). it would also imply that purely platonic friendship between Carlos and Lando is basically pointless no no they've got to be fucking and in romantic love that's what makes them special not just the fact that they love being in each other's company and have full and happy lives outside each other.

I just.

reaalllly hope it all calms down soon and they leave Oscar out of this mess.

and thank FUCK Oscar's gf Lily has been fully accepted by landoscar fans from the start because the amount of vile hate and petty exclusion Rebecca is receiving makes it honestly a little bit hard for me to be ra ra carlando even just for fun right now.

will it stop me being carlando trash in the tags? no. but my conscience is cringing a bit.

[itskatepaddington]

On the art of doing things alone

Doing things alone doesn’t come naturally to everyone.

Some people are content with their own company, and some people have it a bit harder when it comes to chilling with themselves. Some are incapable of doing anything alone, ever, and I can’t really blame them. After all, time spent on your own allows your thoughts to run crazy - as a highly anxious person who mostly likes her own company, I struggle with that, too. It’s not fun when you get stuck in your head, especially when it starts to have a heavy impact on you. And being independent is a blessing and a curse, really, but that’s a topic for a whole new piece of writing. But a lot of our attitudes around doing things without others have to do with what we see other people doing and how we've learned to live by gleaning at others. What if other people think I’m a loser? Will it actually be fun if I do it alone? 

A thing that my anxious brain learned when it comes to my leisure time and has a long way to go to learn everywhere else: no one cares as much as you think, and it’s for the best.

As an avid cinemagoer with several cinema memberships, I tend to watch a lot of films. Very often that means I want to watch things that others aren’t that keen on. I know my friends' tastes: I will ask if they want to come along if there is something that I feel they would like, or that they told me they wanted to see. But a lot of the time, I’m not shy to make five cinema trips on my own if there are some weirder or smaller films that others aren’t really into that I want to see, or to stack a day full of films on my own. Or to take a whole holiday to go to a film festival to seek out the films I maybe wouldn’t have a chance to see otherwise, which I have been known to do. 

Cinema is probably the least social of activities in the traditional meaning of the word. It is communal; you’re in a pitch-black room with many other people to appreciate a film. But it never struck me as something particularly social. Your attention is going to the work of art on the big screen anyway, you can’t (and really shouldn’t, cause if you do, you’re annoying) talk to others. And it’s lovely to have an informed conversation about a film afterwards if you enjoyed it. But is it really social in the same way that other group activities are, so it was rather shocking for me to find out that a lot of people wouldn’t go to the cinema if they had nobody to go with. 

How did I come to this conclusion? It all starts in the dark. I worked in the cinema when I was at the university, and the abundance of films I could see for free proved to bring me so much solace. As a girl without any support network at the time, I often went to the cinema to fill up my time, and I fell in love with it so deeply that I can’t imagine not paying back the debt to what it brought into my life for as long as I get to be on this planet. It picked me up so many times. It saved me.

That was when I discovered that a solo cinema trip is best for those days when you want to be among people, but you also feel like your soul could spill over and create a mess to clean up - an uncomfortable mess, sometimes. You buy a ticket, you sink into the seat, the lights go down and you’re ready for an episode of escapism served just for you - alongside everyone else who chose to be here and will likely laugh and cry at the same moments. At the cinema, it’s really easy to push that thought about everyone judging you out of your head.

What about things that are more overtly social activities? You can do them alone, too, but if you’re an overthinker, it may initially be a bit harder. Then again, you never know how much fun you’re gonna have until you go. And I have made the choice not to go before - and every time I regretted it royally. 

There is a band called Wolf Alice, who I wanted to see in concert several times. I’d really liked their music for a long time: I even had tickets to their shows, twice. So why haven’t I seen them yet? The first time, I had a row about going to the show with my boyfriend at the time, who couldn’t care less about going and decided to stay home instead of going on my own. The second time, I was set on going alone, but another guy that I was then seeing wanted to do something else. What could I do? I ditched my own plans in favour of what he wanted to do. Girls, listen up: boys are temporary, but gig memories are eternal. Go to that concert. I will certainly do that next time Wolf Alice tour. And let me tell you about one of the first times I did just that. 

It was early 2014, and Reading and Leeds festival was putting on the lineup of the century - or so my 19-year-old-self was convinced. Arctic Monkeys have just released AM, The 1975 made a lot of noise with their self-titled debut. Paramore was going to play a set, and so would Vampire Weekend, Imagine Dragons, The Hives and blink-182 as well as Queens of the Stone Age. CHVRCHES. Bombay Bicycle Club. The Courteeners and Metronomy and Temples and Peace and Hozier and Circa Waves and so many other acts I was listening to and super excited about were making an appearance. It was my music taste for years to come condensed into three days; I was desperate to go, but it was my first year in a new country, and finding friends who were into the same things proved a bit challenging. I was insecure about my English since someone made fun of my thick accent, and that stuck with me. That was why I rarely spoke unless spoken to or comfortable around someone, too.  I constantly felt stupid when what I wanted to say got dislodged between what I had in my head and what came out of my mouth in my attempt to express it. My self-esteem was at an all-time low. It wasn’t happening just yet.

The money was tight, too - I was a student begging for extra shifts at my part-time job to pay the rent and sleeping on a bunk bed in shared accommodation - but I just got a tax refund. I made a quick budget in my head: I figured that if I got cheap train tickets, ate one huge portion of chips a day and smuggled vodka in somehow, I could probably go to the fest and survive, and perhaps even thrive. But I was worried about going on my own. Music festivals are social events as well as places to appreciate music; and while cinema is easier to go into and lose that self-awareness, it’s technically way harder to do that when you are in a crowd of people divided into groups. I was a girl on my own, was that really safe? How would I entertain myself while waiting for the bands to come on if I had no one to talk to? Would I look like a massive loser? With generalised anxiety disorder in particular, these are real questions that you come up with on a regular basis that cloud your judgement and make you feel really horrible. 

I bought the ticket. I packed. I went. I saw most of the bands that haven’t clashed with others. Nothing horrible happened - I was sensible (mostly) and took good care of myself. I still ended up eating that one portion of chips a day, though, cause I spent all my money on getting there. Even if anyone thought I was a weirdo for going to a festival alone, nobody turned around and told me that straight to my face. Who would even pay this much attention to a stranger when blink-182 was putting on the biggest bloody show of all time?! Going to that festival is one of my cherished memories, and I think I would have regretted it if I hadn’t gone. I was going to gigs plenty of times on my own since and enjoyed them as much as those I attended with my friends. 

Two years later, the year was nearing its end. At that point in time, I haven’t travelled much. The first flight I ever got onto was to move to the UK to study. The focus for my life this far was on surviving and going places was never in the budget - we’re not even talking long-haul or exotic. But my circumstances have changed a little; I graduated and got a job. For as long as I remembered, I wanted to go to Paris, too. I signed up for alerts on some last-minute travel websites and looked at those religiously. One evening when I opened my alert, I saw an opportunity.

Click. Click. Done. No way back now.

I was going to Paris the following weekend, then. And it was incredibly short notice; my boyfriend at the time couldn’t ditch the shift, so I was going to do it alone.  

It felt freeing to be in a completely different city on your own, seeing all these things that you’ve once learned about in French classes at school. For someone with so little life experience, it felt like one of the most precious things that happened to me this far. 

I rarely got on public transport - I walked around the city, taking in everything I always wanted to see. I went to Montmartre and paid respects to Jim Morrison and Chopin at Pere-Lachaise. I took a stroll down les Champs-Elysees to see if there actually was everything I needed there. I sat down drinking wine at some smokey bar. I attempted to exercise my rusty high-school French and ordered milk instead of coffee by accident. I took a selfie with the Eiffel Tower and spent several good hours at the Louvre looking for Mona Lisa (really small, and always surrounded by people it appears!). I ate the most banging crepes of my life. 

And if I hadn’t gone, the New Year promise I made to myself a few months later probably wouldn’t have happened. 

I went to Amsterdam with friends later that year, and that only fed my hunger to see a little more of the world. I was back to working part-time again, so I figured I could potentially travel within my budget. The problem was, my boyfriend at the time would have trouble getting hours at his job if he was to be too picky, and he tended to get quite annoyed with the short notice nature of finding a good travel deal. He couldn’t possibly join me on all of these trips, but he was fine with me going on my own if I wanted to. 

Having discussed that, I figured out that European city breaks were within my reach. So as the year was about to start, I made a promise to myself: I want to visit a different country a month over the year. And frankly, I surprised myself with how quickly I managed to get really organised to make that happen. I’d booked cheap flights, hostels and coaches, and managed to do it with little money. I decided I would make a trip a month, the destination relying on cheap flights and accommodation I could get. And out of the twelve trips that I made that year, eleven were made all on my own. 

It can appear scary to travel on your own, especially if organised travel and package holidays aren’t your thing. But being on your own gives you so much freedom to choose what you really want to do. When you plan any activity with other people, you need to reach a compromise regarding what you want to do, or what pace is best for everyone to be moving at. To do anything different is dictatorial and selfish. And don’t get me wrong, it’s fun to travel with others, too; it’s a different kind of experience that is just as enjoyable. But on your own, you can make choices on the spot according to how you’re feeling, or plan it out to cater to yourself if you want to. You can spend three hours relaxing in one place, breeze through it in ten minutes, or not even go in at all. And if you spend at least some time thinking about what you’d like to do and throwing together a schedule that you’re not obliged to follow by all means, you don’t get lonely - there’ll be people around you. 

So, want to go paragliding with the people from that booth that you’ve just spotted? Hell yeah, go paragliding. Feel like booking a cheap hostel on a boat instead of something regular and possibly more expensive? Do that. Hungry and craving something specific? No problem. Feeling like a gig? Of course, who’s playing and where? And boy, did I perfect my airport security and packing light routine that year!

So this is a note to my anxious brain, really. Life is too short and we’re all mortal. And after all, you just don’t know. Plus no one pays as much attention as you think they do. Anything telling you otherwise is your anxiety. You will never regret doing a thing on your own, but you may come to regret anything you haven’t done because you were that little bit too scared. You will learn, and maybe eventually it will become so natural that you won’t have a problem doing it at all.

[maibi]

Care

Warnings: cursing, mention of blood, accidental cutting (knife)

Summary: just a soft and concerned, overthinking dabi. The two of you trying to understand each other.

A/N: this is totally my own imagination and is not based on any facts obviously also thanks to @aizawap​ for the inspiration!! also I don’t actually see Dabi doing this... but it’s the thought that counts right T_T (also not proofread so sorry for any mistakes)

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Dabi wasn’t really the type that was into dating, in fact he had never really thought about it until he met you. He used to be the guy that would just do his thing and leave, without any commitment or responsibilities. When he met you, his vision on life totally changed. He started to care and even though he was one big of an asshole to literally anyone, to you he’d be the nicest person ever. 

He met you when he was supposed to be hiding in the alleys, spying on some random people that his group was gonna attack. Mistaking him as a homeless person, you had brought him a bag filled with necessities to survive for a few days. He had just let you, not wanting to get out of focus. But he grew fond of the fact that you came by once in a while. It gave him a feeling of being cared about. His life had always been about running away and not getting attached to anything, but whenever you came around he’d just get happy just because he finally had someone that made him realize he was a person. And not just some runaway teenager. 

Even though he was over his twenties, he’d get silly like a child whenever you were around. He didn’t care about the so called mission and only focused on entertaining you. He’d make you laugh and you’d fill your work breaks to spend with him. Of course you had realized he wasn’t homeless, but it gave you an excuse to go see him everyday. He made you realize that taking care of a person wasn’t always bad.

You were raised with no parents, but your childhood was just you running errands for your sick grandma. You saw taking care of someone as something that led to death. But while taking care and looking out for Dabi you saw how it could give you a positive satisfaction.

until one day he was too careless. He was so mesmerized by you that he totally forgot about the mission. He got attacked instead, and while being heavily injured you ran to his aid. You started to panic and once again taking care of someone scared you. It had led to his almost death. He refused to go to the hospital, forcing you to take him to his group. That didn’t feel right to you, so you brought him to your place. 

It was then that you realized Dabi was more to you than just someone to take care of. He was a person you loved spending time with and a person worth risking some things. He made you smile and enjoy life as much as you made him enjoy things. He realized that you were more than a person that took care of you. You were the person he wanted to protect. You were the person that he’d risk everything for. 

That’s how you came to the current situation. Him in your apartment after clearing his work and you making dinner because you had a day off. He usually cooked food, but he had a rough day so you thought you’d make it this time. You were smiling to yourself while stirring some past in a pot as you thought about the first times of the two of you going out. 

“What are you so smiley about?”, Dabi asked as he said on the chair that was on the other side of the counter. He placed his head on the counter, squishing his right cheek as he did his best to turn his head in your way. He revealed so many soft sides of himself every time he came over that you were surprised how cold blooded he could be outside. 

“Hmm, just thinking about some stuff”, you said as you drained the pasta. 

He wasn’t satisfied with your answer so he stood up from the chair and walked your direction. He threw his arms around your shoulder and snuggled his head in your neck. “Now tell me what made you so happy, because if it was me in your head I’m gonna-”

“Yes it was you in my mind, but first dinner”, you said, not letting him finish his sentence. 

It was still uncomfortable to talk so bluntly about being intimate, that you refused to hear him say anything about it. You tried to get out of his grip, to finish dinner but he had other intentions. 

He kissed your neck, making you let out a strange noise that was in-between a squeal and a moan. Instead of continuing he laughed in your neck. “What was that!”, he said while laughing. Your cheeks turned red and you don’t think you’ve ever felt this embarrassed in your life. 

It could be that you were being overdramatic, but you really didn’t like it when he laughed at you. You were pretty insecure about yourself, so literally the smallest thing could trigger those insecurities. You started to overthink about how weird you sounded, and that if you every made a sound like that before. What if he thought that it was unattractive? 

“Babe”, he said and you suddenly shook your head and looked at him. He had loosened his grip on you already and had turned you around. You hadn’t even noticed. “Whats’s wrong, you just stopped... I don’t know, working.”

You didn’t say anything and just finished taking care care of dinner. The whole meal was silent. And he took a few glances at you in the hope that you would look back, but you didn’t. You were in lost in thoughts of overthinking. 

After dinner he cleaned the table as you did the dishes in silence. once he was finished he walked back to you. “Hey, are you okey?”, he said as he peeped his head in front of you, making you jump lightly. “Did I do something wrong, did I say something I shouldn’t have?”

You being insecure and an over thinker was one thing, but him being exactly the same when it came to you was another. He was usually the one that was quite proud of himself and pretty confident. But when it came to you, he had no clue how things were supposed to go. He didn’t really know how to be affectionate without being too clingy. 

You were lost in your thoughts once again, not answering to anything. Then suddenly you felt a sharp pain in your hand and you noticed that you had just cut yourself your hand while washing a knife. Your eyes widened at the sight of blood dripping out of your hand? 

Dabi noticed, but out of shock he didn’t know what to do. “Uhm, uhm. Shit, what to do. Please wait here-”, he said as he started to pace around the kitchen to search for something to stop the bleeding. 

“Dabi it’s okay, I can fix it. Don’t worry about it”, you said as you took the nearby towel and pressed it against your palm. 

“I’m so sorry, this is my fault right? Ah, I shouldn’t have disturbed you while doing the dishes. I’m so sorry if I did anything wrong, just please-”, he said as he looked down and placed his hand around your waist, gripping your shirt lightly. “-just please don't ignore me.”

You searched his face and mentally slapped your face because you did it again. You knew he would overthink things and if you didn’t reassure him, he’d build up this wall of insecurities. 

You crashed your head against his chest. “I’m sorry for ignoring you, I know that wasn’t really what I should have done.”

You had this incident many times before. He’d accidentally upset you and you would just not talk about it with him until you felt better about yourself. Even though he told you many times you two needed open communication, it didn’t always work out for you. It was something you had to work on. 

“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, I- that wasn’t really my intention”, he stuttered. 

“I should have told you if you said anything that hurt me. I just had a rough day even though I was free”, you said. “Being alone gives me more room to overthink and hurt my own feelings.”

You looked at the towel and removed it slowly to see it the bleeding stopped. A small crust started to form, hinting you that the bleeding almost stopped. You didn’t look at his face yet fidgeting with the towel in your hand.

“What are we doing? We are two grown people, we should be able to talk this out without having to act like this”, he said while caressing my hair. 

“You’re right. I’m just really bad at explaining how I feel, so until I figure out how to do that will you wait for me?”, you said looking up at him. 

“I’ll wait and I’ll try my best to understand the situations more and think about your feelings. Let’s help each other, yeah?”, he said giving you a small smile.

“Yeah”, you whispered, smiling back at him.

He was your special person and you were his. The both of you learned from each other and helped each other build up a stable life. Even though you had your ups and downs, you would always figure out a way to fix it. You never thought the smug, douchy looking, mysterious boy from the alley next to the supermarket you worked at would have this much of an impact in your life. And neither would he have thought a supermarket employee would make him turn twice to catch glimpses. 

You fulfilled each other’s flaws and helped each other grow. He learned to take care and you learned to be taken care of. 

[popurikat]

Newtmas essay when?

Finally getting to this, thanks for waiting, I needed to go over a few bookmarks. (Warning, this post contains spoilers from the MAZE RUNNER book and FEVER CODE book, so if you haven’t read either or yet and want the jist of my analysis; just know that in general the fandom interpreting Newt as gay before it was revealed on a twitter post was not just a random headcanon and that Thomas in general is portrayed to have very strong unconditional love for Newt throughout the series; and it shows. To the point that even the director for the movie has stated that Newt and Thomas have a strong bond and portrays that in the movies. I will also preface that I am NOT adding personal opinion anywhere here, these are just backings from quotes and how they are thus meant to be taken/read as. My words are taken as a reader who is currently reading Scorch Trials has yet to fully read Death Cure or Crank Palace.) Anways, without further ado at 3AM today, I’ll try my best to explain how even though Dashner tries his best to make Thomas have other, female love interests; he creates a not so subtle gay subtext for Tommy boy here when in the context of interacting with Newt throughout the lore. Apologies beforehand for any grammar mistakes along the way.

To commence, I am going to start with FEVER CODE, as its supposed to act as the story’s preface to the actual events that play out later. Newt and Thomas upon meeting each other describe their presence as “familiar” and or as a “long lost friend” and they genuinely hit it off from the start to the point that Newt is okay with having Thomas see him cry over the fact that he and his sister are separated since he is doomed to be WCKD’s control analysis as he’s the only one lacking immunity from the flare itself. Once Newt is done being emotionally vulnerable we get our first instance of his personal nickname for Thomas: “That’s the way things are Tommy,’ he said his voice not quite steady. ‘The world outside’s gone to hell. Why should we expect any different here? [...] He said it as if they’d been friends for years” (ch. 14).   An interesting note here is that Thomas doesn’t bother to correct him or stifle the moment by feeling that all this information was too much, he genuinely wanted to hear Newt out and is fine with seeing this side of him; if not slightly taken aback by how natural it is that they can converse about such aspects of their lives. In fact, Newt makes such an impact on Thomas that Thomas ends up that same night dreaming of him: “Throughout his shortened night, he dreamed of Newt and Sonya. Of Newt and Lizzy“(Ch. 14). The thing with Thomas though is that the idea of comfort and connection is very foreign to him as he’s been basically isolated all his life with only the adults like Ava to talk to and the one exception being Teresa as his only kid companion. So Thomas didn’t even think he could make others like him for being himself unless they were vital to the overall production of WCKD. Seeing this portion right before the end of chapter 14: “Alby, Minho, Newt, Teresa. Thomas had friends.” shows that Thomas really had to deep dive to see how he deals with personal connections and why he was excited about the notion of friendship. He could’ve been happy with just Teresa, but only fully cemented her bond to him as “friend” when his circle grew and these kids he got to hang with taught him he can be himself, a concept he didn’t realize was possible when all his life was dictated on what he was supposed to learn or do. It becomes especially clear just how controlled his life is with the aspect of sentiment when later on Teresa’s mental communication evokes physcial pain and fear in Thomas. I’ll get back to that later as its more of a small tid bit of Thomas’ view on his forced love interest, Teresa. And yes, I say forced because multiple sentences with Thomas have him even wish he could cease all communication with her. Moving on, let’s talk about mimicking for a second. As humans, we mimic as a behavioral response to become closer to the person we care about. It’s the reason why yawning or laughter is contagious and or why we copy the posture of the person we converse with face to face. Thomas is seen to do this the most with Newt’s quirks. I’ll give the example in chapter 15: “Newt has been promising them that he was saving something special, and he did that annoying zipped-lipped sign every time [...] the little light in his eyes showed he enjoyed every second of their torture” versus Thomas: “Thomas did Newt’s zipped-lipped gesture, and that got him a sharp poke in the ribs”. So, we know enough that Thomas’ mannerisms are developing as a sign that he wants to be closer to Newt and to continue this sense of playfulness they both enjoy from the other. This is the start of their budding bond and a clear indication that they hold each other at greater fondness than the rest through this unconscious copying. Through this copying, they also pick up on emotional cues the other lets up on. Newt is especially good at noticing small things like when Thomas is anxious or overthinking: “He was just shocked that with all their exploring, the others hadn’t already discovered it on their own. And there were supposed to be TWO mazes. How had Newt and his friends not stumbled upon either one of them? ‘Tommy?’ Thomas realized Newt was staring straight at him, eyebrows raised. ‘Sorry,’ he said embarrassed, ‘wandered off for a second there what did you say?’ Newt shook his head in admonishment. ��Try to keep up, Tommy Are you ready to see the grat outdoors?” (ch. 15). Also in chapter 23: “Tommy?’ It was Newt, breaking him out of his thoughts. ‘I can see your wheels spinnin’ up there.’ He tapped the side of his head”. This furthers Newts perceptiveness on his friend and Thomas’ ability to pick out when he is being looked after. And they bounce off each other really well in that aspect. To the point that Newt can crack a joke he knows will land right on Thomas’ sense of humor: “Newt waggled his fingers in front of Thomas’ face [...] A laugh exploded out of Thomas’ mouth that sent a spray everywhere. ‘Sorry’ he said, wiping his lips on his sleeve” (ch.15). It’s enjoyable to know that at least at a surface level, they have fun together and can cheer the other up if needed or know when to ground the other to reality. It is also through these instances that as a reader I pick up that Thomas’ nervous ticks perhaps allude to an anxiety disorder he has; of which Newt is aware of and never puts Thomas down on for exhibiting. He in fact understands it and deals with it accordingly as he himself has a similar circumstance. SO, what does all this paying attention lead to? Thomas’ devotion to protect Newt. Yeah, thats right I said devotion. Thomas’ actions are influenced by his developed instinct to protect Newt at all costs. Here is the biggest example that comes to mind: “What in the world happened to Newt? -- Less then two hours later, Thomas had spliced together a series of camera clips [...] Thomas turned off the feed. He couldn’t take it anymore...Newt, Newt, Newt, Thomas thought, feeling as if the very air around him were turning black.”(ch.52). Essentially, Thomas seeing Newt plummet to his near death by falling from the maze wall as a result of Newt’s ongoing depressive state, this is the moment that makes Thomas realize WICKD isn’t as good as they seem and that he is going into the maze to save Newt. Its admirable how much self sacrifice Thomas does for someone he cares so much about, to the point that their name is like a mantra. Thats a sensible area of passion and fighting spirit for someone who is “just a friend”.    Oh and, the feeling of fondness is mutual mind you if I haven’t been clear. After experiencing the horrors of cranks for the first time, realizing Newt was not immune, and watching Newt until they entered the pits it has been months since they last interacted; this is their first reunion: “What’s up Tommy?’ Newt exclaimed, his face filled with genuine happiness at the pleasant surprise that’s been sprung on him. Thomas couldn’t remember exactly how long it’d been since he’d seen Newt. ‘You look bloody fantastic for three in the morning” (ch. 23). I need to preface this that Newt DOES NOT mean that sarcastically and that out of all the people in the room (Minho, Chuck and Teresa are there in this scene), Thomas only reacts this way specifically toward seeing Newt is okay and back.   The characters are also not afraid of being physically close. “Well, look who the bloody copper dragged in,’ Newt said, pulling Thomas into a big hug” (ch.31), “They shook hands, and then the two of them set off...” (ch. 31), and my favorite: “Thomas jumped at the sound, then stumbled. Newt tripped over him, and then they were both laughing, legs and arms tangled in a pile on the ground”(ch.32). I don’t think this far in the novel, Thomas has been AS (emphasis on as) comfortable with touch  with anyone else other than Newt. And thats a big step forward on the aspect of trust in a relationship, being able to be comfortable with the presence of another person enough to be as intimate with them as shown here.  And all this, is just fever code itself. Mind you this is not the MEAT of the novels as it came out later. But even without it, lets look at Thomas in Maze now, I’ll try to keep this segment a lot more brief. Here’s Thomas looking respectively at boys his age: “A tall kid with blond hair and a square jaw...a thick, heavy muscled Asian kid folded his arms as he studied Thomas, his tight shirtsleeves rolled up to show off his biceps [...] Newt was taller than Alby too, but looked to be a year or so younger, His hair was blond and cut long, cascading over his T-shirt. Veins stuck out of his muscled arms”(ch. 2). Thomas’ initial reaction to being surrounded by boys is to deeply analyze their rugged good looks and heavily emphasize their best physical traits. When reading this the first time, my mind immediately thought this boy at the very least is supposed to be portrayed as bi, especially when later down the line Teresa gets a similar descriptor: “...despite her paleness, she was really pretty...silky hair, flawless skin, perfect lips, long legs.” So right off the bat, we know that be it boy or girl, Thomas emphasizes how attractive someone looks in his eyes when he truly does have a sense of attraction to them. Case closed. Within the same chapter we get Thomas also immediately clinging onto Newt for a sense of grounding, it is now ingrained in him at this point that the boy is his lifeline, a person to rely on. “Thomas looked over at Newt, hoping for help.” And help he does, Newt in this chapter helps ease his worries, explain a general idea of what the glade is and even pats him on the shoulder a bit to ease tension. And Thomas doesn’t bat an eye in the same way he’s weary of literally everyone else. In fact, he’s eager to stay put with him as shown with; “If Newt went up there, then I wanna talk to him.” And if none of that seals the deal, we got early bird Newt being so touch starved he flattens himself next to Thomas to wake him up at the crack of Dawn in chapter 6: “Someone shook Thomas awake. His eyes snapped open to see a too-close face staring down at him, everything around them still shadowed by the darkness of early morning...’Shh, Greenie. Don’t wanna be waking up Chuckie, now, do we?’ It was Newt --the guy who seemed second in command; the air reeked of his morning breath. Though Thomas was surprised, any alarm melted away immediately”. This whole scene follows firstly by Thomas once again impressed by how strong Newt is and then Newt giving him a rundown of what everyone else was too afraid to show Thomas, the grievers. And you know, this scene could’ve ended well and everything as totally platonic, but then we have “Newt turned to look at him dead in the eye. The first traces of dawn had crept up on them, and Thomas could see EVERY DETAIL OF NEWT’S FACE, HIS SKIN TIGHT, HIS BROW CREASED.” Now, look me in the eye and tell me there is a hetero explanation on looking at your best bro like they are the sun reincarnated themselves. But let’s not hog all the homosexual undertones with Thomas here. Wanna know what Newt’s initial reaction to having a girl in the glade was? “It’s a girl,’ he said [...] Newt shushed them again. ‘That’s not bloody half of it,’ he said, then pointed down into the box. ‘I think she’s dead” (ch.8). It’s actually a stark contrast to the other gladers eagerly wanting to know her age, how pretty she looked, and calling dibs to date her; Newt isn’t interested in any of that, he’s more perplexed on her status and not even bothering to remark on her looks, he was the only one not to and even remarks a few other instances that girls are more Thomas’ domain. For instance, he makes a joke in fever code when Thomas remarks that the girls in the institution were going to tackle him down, Newt proceeds to point out sarcastically something along the lines of “wait, isn’t that YOUR dream though?” So Newt is pretty out spoken of his disinterest in girls, and his full admiration and attention on Thomas. Oh, and yes, Newt immediately switches over to “Tommy” the moment Thomas mentions he hates being called greenie, and once again it just becomes a thing between only the two of them. Newt is also the one to be straight forward about the whole Runners business. He warns Thomas about the dangers and doesn’t necessarily turn him down on his desire to be one, he in fact encouraged him to just wait until the right moment. “No one said you couldn’t, but give it a rest for now”(ch. 15). So once again, Newt is the voice of confidence and reason for Thomas to prosper. In turn, this time around Thomas is the one to catch when something is bothering Newt. For instance, “Newt chewed his fingernails, something he hadn’t seen the older boy do before...he was genuinely concerned -- Newt was one of the few people in the Glade he actually liked ”(ch.16). Interesting how we went from fever code “friend” to “like”. And also, when Newt explains his concern about the runners not coming back yet, Thomas pieces together how scared Newt is of the Maze without being told and goes to stand next to him as a physical presence to ground Newt as they wait near the entrance. In fact, this piece is trivial to understand why Thomas does what he does next. When everyone else had given up on the Runners still outside with 2 minutes left til closing, and Newt was escorted away from the entrance, Thomas waited. And when Thomas saw them, he yells to Newt, realizes he’s too far to do anything, and makes a decision himself. He KNEW how much Newt cared about his fellow Gladers, they were like family or “kin” as its said in the book, so what does he do? “Don’t do it Tommy! Don’t you bloody do it!’ ... Thomas knew he had no choice. He moved. Forward. He squeezed past the connecting rods at the last second and stepped into the maze”(ch.16). Yes, Thomas does this because of his empathy for the Gladers, but the chain reaction of Newt’s concern is what sets his decision in stone. And yet again, Thomas enters the maze for Newt.  And that’s pretty much the constant for the rest of Maze Runner the book, Newt just sticking up for Thomas and Thomas in turn just being happy that: “He was at least relieved that Newt was there” (ch.17). And thats basically their entire dynamic. Newt just going: “If you really did help design the maze Tommy, it’s not your fault. You‘re a kid -- you can’t help what they forced you to do” to ease the survivor’s trauma Thomas has, as well as saying “I actually believe you. You just don’t have an ounce of lying in those eyes of yours. And I can’t bloody believe I’m about to say this...but I’m going back in there to convince those shanks we should go through the griever hole, just like you said”(ch.51); and I think thats the most romantic thing to hear from him. Just right out being all for supporting Thomas no matter what happens as long as he stays alive and continues to fight, he doesn’t care about what happened before. And Thomas eats that up because it fuels him even more to seek out a means to escape for the people (Newt) that deserve a life outside of running from monsters forever. So essentially, I’ll state again, it’s always been Newt the catalyst for Thomas to run head first into the Maze and seek freedom. And with all this I can clear that these two are shown to if not be romantically involved, at least have unconditional love for the other that transcends the author’s original intention.  And with that in mind, here’s the thing with Teresa as a love interest. I can list here quotes of every time she mind speaks to Thomas and how that affects him, but then this would be too long. And this is a newtmas post gosh darn it. Teresa is gleeful to humiliate, control, hurt, and force Thomas to believe they’re in love. In multiple instances we get her barging into his mind unwarranted making him understand that she has full access to his inner most thoughts. Theres nothing romantic about that, and I think its why Thomas ends up being so perceptive to the smallest of gestures that allow him to think on his own and feel like his own person. Something I’ve seen Brenda do later in scorch, and something I’ve seen Newt do since the very beginning is that they allow Thomas to come to his own conclusions in order to create his own opinions on the matters at hand. Thomas’ love language revolves around words of affirmation. He likes it when people confirm his thoughts are valid and that remind him that WICKD can’t hurt him anymore now that he has the power to be his own person. This is where Newt comes in very handy. He allows Thomas to grow in ways his female love interests have yet to show, sorry Brenda but I’ve heard you were trying to unite all immunes together to the safe haven by the end and in a sense still only using Thomas to get by; I still think she was the better call than teresa of course and I have no remorse for Teresa getting smushed by a boulder. But essentially my point here is that, how do you fail to make your initial love interests clash so badly where one has no real care about the others well being so long as everything goes according to WCKD by using a form of gaslighting and manipulation? AND THOMAS HAS STATED HIS DISCOMFORT ON THIS MULTIPLE TIMES, but the narrative always erases these instances from his mind in place of pity for Teresa’s well being (as you can tell, Teresa through this becomes my least favorite character, I can rant about her some othe time though with proper backing). The narrative in turn treats it all like a joke. I understand there are scenes where Thomas is worried about her and looks out to make sure shes ok, but even then he doesn’t know how to react with mental images of her kissing his cheek or when she screams the next minute that she doesn’t know who he is or how hes speaking into her mind. And thats because they can’t properly communicate their emotions to the other, not even in fever code could Thomas give a forward answer if he loved Teresa or not, she just assumed. Come to think of it, Thomas really doesn’t show much affection to Teresa of his own accord. So then, how DOES Thomas show his affection? Thomas provides acts of service as his love language, if he cares about you enough he will risk his life for you. Why? Because Thomas values putting the people he loves foremost knowing full well they are what help him have purpose and succeed in continuing on. In a way, Newt and Thomas’ dynamic works in this instance because they balance the other out and because they have seen each other at their worst and at their best. In a way, that's why knowing the ending of the books makes it harder to accept that Thomas would just easily take the shot...when all his life clung to Newt’s survival. But that’s a story for another time where I compare the movies (of which let me make that clear, yes I prefer) over the books. For now just know that the book may have done this by accident, maybe not, but at the end of the day theres solid proof that Thomas and Newt care about each other in a way that is separately portrayed from their connection to the other glade members, and have this consistency of soft moments running through the entirety of the series. In conclusion; newtmas. Newtmas. NEWTMAS, etc.

[winetae]

wall to wall (m.) 02

— female reader x hoseok

— smut, porn star!au

— sex work, insecurity, jealousy, slut shaming/objectification, role played scenario that includes: d/s dynamics - dom!hoseok, anal sex, sex toys, face fucking, double penetration, erotic massages, humiliation, degradation, porn star type dirty talk, squirting, creampie, lots of cum (and oil!)

— 19.7k 

… 

Temporary popularity is the biggest threat to your career right now. Without a solid core fan base you’re doomed to be forgotten. If not now, then in a month or two, and if not then, surely by the end of the year. That’s how quickly the adult film industry cycles through their actors, especially when you’re a woman. 

Your agent comes forward with a proposition to help put you back on the map.

↳  or, my contribution to the lights, camera, action! collab : )

part 01 | part 02 | part 03

author’s note | part 2 is finally here ! ! ty to jordan who has encouraged me literally every step of the way and to ella for supplying a never ending amount of hoseok gifs and pics when i most needed it :’) i’m sorry again for cutting the chapter into two parts but seeing as this entire chunk only amounted to 1/3 of my outline for part two it’s safe to say i would have never finished this fic otherwise ;;

(!) if you are particularly sensitive to humiliation/ degradation then maybe u should skip the smut scene bc jdjffjkfkddkd cries in tears of heaux 

SCENE 03 - PULP FRICTION. TAKE 02. ROLL A.

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It’s hard to guess how a project will be perceived by the general public. Sometimes a xxx feature film everyone believed would do well sells less than expected, and with online pirating becoming such a rampant and common occurrence, it’s harder to measure the impact of your work. Views and numbers are no longer a reliable indicator of one’s popularity. You’re lucky that you’re signed under such a big talent agency because at least you’re guaranteed regular paychecks, regardless of how well you perform. But to survive in this industry you’re conscious that you need more than that.

According to Seokjin and his expert advice, fans are the ones who will keep an adult entertainer’s career afloat for longer than the average six months. It doesn’t matter how good-looking or well endowed an actor is; if fans aren’t interested and invested, there’s a slim chance that they’ll pay money from their own pockets to view your work. And in order to build such a strong and dedicated fan base, you need one of several things: regular content and an active social media account.

It’s a careful line to tread; not enough online interaction can make people lose interest, but so can overexposure.

You’re patiently waiting for what Seokjin baptizes “The Big Breakthrough” - the decisive project that will propel you into superstardom. None of your videos have ever garnered that type of traction, however, and you’ve been stuck repeating the same old recycled scenarios of plumbers/pizza delivery boys coming over to get the fuck of their life.

When your latest video is uploaded online, you do your best to steer clear from social media. As much as you want to see what people think of your performance, it’s too nerve-wracking to deal with on an empty stomach. You know that if you begin scrolling through the comments, you’ll spend all day glued to your phone, constantly refreshing the page to check for feedback.

And while you aren’t the type of person who lets negative opinions affect your morale, you are nonetheless worried that your time in the industry is about to run out. Lately, the thought lingers ominously in the corners of your mind.

In times like these, exercise is one of the best distractions, second to maybe sex.

Pia, the yoga instructor, walks you through several routines, bending your body this way and that, until your head feels pleasantly blank, devoid for once of any stress and self-doubt. The hour long hot yoga class puts your overthinking mind to rest. In that moment even the notion of time ceases to matter.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.

The instructor turns off his meditation playlist while the room empties out, soft chattering replacing the chirping of birds and the sound of cascading water. Slowly, mind still fuzzy around the edges, you gather your belongings and head straight to the vending machine to get a much needed dose of caffeine.

As you dig around the contents of your purse for spare change, someone comes up from behind and taps your shoulder.

“Eep!” You catch your bag before it can slip from your grasp. “What—”

“Shit, sorry!”

When you spin around, hands clutched protectively over your chest to keep your heart rate steady, you don’t expect to come face to face with Hoseok, of all people.

He grins sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Didn’t mean to give you a scare. I, um, recognized you from afar and thought I’d come say hi.”

Now that the initial shock has faded, you’re free to admire the sight in front of you without any distractions.

As handsome as Hoseok looks under the bright studio lights with his hair styled and make-up applied, there’s something undeniably appealing about the way he appears now - with his hair mussed up and sweatpants riding dangerously low on his hips. While you normally prefer someone who puts more effort into their appearance, there’s something attractive and unpretentious about his casual demeanor that intrigues you.

Heat surges to the apple of your cheeks when you realize that you’re being too blatant with your ogling. Your eyes settle on his face - a safe zone, one that won’t cause any misunderstandings. It’s a nice sight to look at. Hoseok’s face is pretty, the absence of powder and contour not taking away from his handsomeness in the least. His skin glows in a way that can only be achieved post-workout or after an intense orgasm.

This train of thought brings you down a slippery slope. All too soon, your mind supplies images of his long cock filling you up over and over and over again, his lips whispering praise and filth in the same breath. Your gaze flits to his mouth as you recall how red and swollen they’d been after kissing you senseless, how sticky and wet they’d felt against your own, the taste of your own succulence bleeding into your mouth as your breaths intermingled.

“You’re - yes.” You clear your throat, embarrassed by the way you’d quickly let your thoughts spiral out of control. “It’s fine, you just - caught me off guard. How’ve you been?”

Since you last dicked me down, goes unsaid.

“Just finished teaching a class a few minutes ago. I’ve got a 30 minute break before the next one starts.” He checks his watch. “Well, eleven minutes now.”

“You teach here?” You raise your brows, taken aback by his revelation.  

Not that it isn’t uncommon for adult entertainers to work two jobs - or more. You’ve run into a variety of cases since joining the industry. Some do porn on the side, as a hobby or as a way to make a quick buck. They quit the moment porn becomes tedious or when they’ve made enough money to pay back their loans. For you, however, it’s not like that. What started off as amateur cam work has now become your whole life. You can’t imagine doing anything else, even if it means going against your family members’ wishes. They could go suck on a rancid cock, for all you cared.

“Yep, sure do. I teach the morning Pilates class on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Funny how I’ve never run into you before, huh?”

He takes a few coins out of his left pocket and inserts them into the vending machine. “Here, get whatever you want.”

“You don’t—”

“My treat.”

You want to argue but Hoseok’s too beguiling for his own good. It doesn’t take much for you to be won over; Hoseok’s smile widens and you’re a goner.

It’s that easy.

You’re not sure if it’s because you’ve seen each other naked before or if the earlier yoga session has successfully weakened your defenses, but you’re not as wary as you usually would be around people you don’t know well. Distrust runs in your veins yet something about Hoseok has you lowering your guard.  

Based on your observations, there’s nothing calculated behind his gestures and mannerisms. The blinding grin, the jokes, the way people easily get pulled into his magnetic field - it’s not a facade or an act or a fluke. It’s just the way he is.

Hoseok leans against the vending machine and watches you press in the numbers for your order. From the corner of your eye, you see him studying your profile with a degree of intensity that makes you self-conscious. You swallow down the urge to fidget.

And it’s - silly. He’s seen you bare and at your most exposed, has kissed and touched the entirety of your body from head to toe, but this quiet moment feels strangely intimate, more so than when he’d slid his cock inside of you for the first time. Perhaps it’s due to the absence of cameras and prying eyes or the knowledge that right now you’re both real people, stripped of your porn star persona exterior.

Your eyes meet.

There’s nothing predatory or hungry about his gaze. The passion and the love he’d expressed so naturally during your filmed scenes are no longer detectable. Right now he’s Jung Hoseok, not a character with a role to play. This is all him - the dark circles, the relaxed smile, the slight slouch in his shoulders.

“About—” He clears his throat. “About the other day. The guy that was with you...”

You know without needing clarification who and what he’s talking about. You run your tongue across your row of teeth, wiping away the cheap coffee’s aftertaste, and nod for him to continue.

“He give you a hard time?” Hoseok’s eyes don’t stray from yours. He looks concerned. Serious. “Afterwards I - I regretted leaving so soon. I didn’t want to - I wasn’t sure. But, regardless, I should have made sure you were okay before leaving you alone with him.”

“Oh.”

Realization sinks in. Your eyes widen and you splutter, flustered. “No, no. It’s nothing like that. Jimin - he’s my boyfriend.”

It’s hard to appreciate the concern when all you feel is shocked that someone could misinterpret your relationship for a perverted staff member preying on an unsuspecting porn actress. Although it’s unfortunately common practice in the industry, it’s so far removed from what you share with Jimin that you’re at a loss for words.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Hoseok immediately rubs his face in embarrassment. “I thought - sorry. I’m a dumbass. Ignore me.”

“It’s -”  You shake your head. “It’s fine.”

An awkward silence ensues.

You occupy the void by sipping on the bitter vending machine coffee, your eyes glued to your toenails peeking out the top of your sandals. Any other time, you’d fret over the chipping nail polish and rush to schedule an appointment at the nail salon, but your thoughts are so jumbled up that you can barely string a coherent sentence together.

Jimin - he isn’t anything like what Hoseok’s implying. Implied. You know this. But the fact that someone could mistake him as such doesn’t sit right with you. You want to defend him but at the same time you don’t know what to say.

“I just,” he sighs, breaking the silence. “I’ve seen it happen before. I’m sorry I assumed the worst. I guess I’m too paranoid for my own good. I hope I didn’t offend you too much. Or him.”

“No - I’m - I understand.” You give him a small smile to let him know you don’t harbor any ill feelings over the mistake. Hoseok seems so genuinely sorry about the entire situation that it’s impossible to hold it against him.

It’s possible, you think. To misinterpret your relationship with Jimin. The situation back then had been so tense - you remember that better than anyone. Given the context, Hoseok had every right to be mistrustful, especially when no one had bothered to set the record straight.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep.”

“There’s no harm done.” You hesitate before continuing, “I’m that way too, you know. I tend to think the worst of people when I probably shouldn’t. I thought - I was worried about you at first, too. When we met. Not because - it wasn’t anything against you personally. I’m just distrustful. But I’m glad - that it was you and not someone else.”

His posture relaxes. “Thank you. I’m glad that it was you, too. And that I was able to prove you wrong about me. With the shit you hear and see happening on set… I don’t blame you for being on your guard.”

“Yeah. Maybe we’ll - oh. I think someone’s calling you.”

Hoseok follows your line of sight to where a small group of his students are huddled behind the glass panel separating the Pilates classroom from the hallway leading down to the changing rooms. They’re all female and look around your age, maybe younger. The one who had been waving her arms wilts under the attention of her teacher, blush high on her cheeks, while her group of friends dissolve into a fit of giggles.

“Ah. That’s my cue.” Hoseok sighs in apology, the corner of his lips tugged downwards into a pout. “Sorry. Would’ve loved to get coffee and catch up but alas. Duty calls.”

“Next time.”

“Yeah, definitely. I’ll hold you up to that. And it’ll be proper coffee next time! Promise.”

“Okay, deal,” you agree easily. “I’ll buy.”

He looks somewhat offended. “What - no, that’s not what I meant.”

“It’s only fair.” You gesture at the half-empty plastic coffee cup still warm against your palm.

Hoseok opens his mouth to object but a short-haired woman pokes his head out the open door. “Yo, teach! Wasn’t class supposed to start five minutes ago?”

“I’m coming!” Hoseok shouts back, waving his student back inside. “Arrogant brat.”

“Go, go!” You urge, holding yourself from physically pushing him towards the classroom. His group of students look like they’re willing to jump you if you keep hogging his attention.

“We’ll Rock Paper Scissors it!” He says while jogging backwards. “Gotta run but see you around, yeah?”

Your lips pull into an amused smile as you watch him retreat back to his classroom. Through the glass panel, you can see the horde of girls flock around him, each vying for his attention in different ways. You’re especially impressed by how one almost succeeds in drowning Hoseok in her generous cleavage.

The sight of Hoseok dealing with thirsty college girls is so ridiculous you can’t help but giggle. You’re tempted to attend one of his classes just to watch them all trip over each other in an attempt to seduce him. Maybe you could even learn a thing or two.

With that thought in mind, you leave the gym center in high spirits, feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, ready to tackle on whatever hurdles the day decides to throw your way. You hum along to a top 40 hit they constantly play on the radio and decide to stop by your favorite restaurant to get take-out before heading home.

As you get into your car, you turn on your phone you’d disregarded all morning and are immediately notified of five missed calls and several unread text messages. More than half are - unsurprisingly - from your agent. You’re tempted to ignore him for an hour or two longer but you know how he gets once his patience runs thin.

“Don’t tell me you were out with Jimmy again,” Seokjin groans once you decide to call him back.

“I was with Hoseok, actually.”

“Hoseok?” Seokjin instantly perks up on the other side of the line. “As in, Jung Hoseok? J-Hope? Your baby daddy? That Hoseok?”

You contemplate ending the call.

Begrudgingly you concur, “Yes. That one.”

“Oooooh. Do tell,” he eggs, the smugness in his tone so thick that you can visualize it.

“It wasn’t - whatever scandalous thought you’re thinking. He works at the gym I go to. What are the chances, right?”

“What are the chances indeed.” Despite the lack of juicy gossip, he sounds pleased. “The news I rang you for earlier involves him.”

“How so?”

“Your video with Hoseok has been the number 1 trending video on Bang Gang’s home page since this morning!” He squeals, enthusiasm making the volume of his voice raise by a notch. “People are eating that romantic insemination stuff for breakfast and lunch. The views on this are insane! We haven’t gotten such a big reaction since the Agust D teacher-student role play and that was ages ago.”

“Wh- Are you serious?!”

Unable to contain the elation that surges through your chest, your face breaks out into a giant grin.

You’re admittedly the first to say that the number of views doesn’t equate to one’s talent or prowess in bed, but you also can’t completely disregard what this particular achievement implies...

While belonging to a reputable agency has its perks, it also entails continuous competition with big names. Your coworkers are also your competitors. Every month the most successful porn stars are rewarded and praised, whilst the ones who rake in the least amount of views are cast aside and are fated to fade into anonymity.

As much as you hate to acknowledge it, you’ve never had the support or interest it takes to contend for 1st place on any popularity polls or rankings of the sort. On Wednesdays, it so happens that the number one trending video spot is usually occupied by a popular femdom porn star who’s been in the game long enough to have secured a loyal fanbase.

Seokjin understands and empathizes with your excitement more than anybody.

“Yes, I’m serious! I think this is It, you know? Your Big Breakthrough, the moment we’ve been waiting for. You’ve been doing well so far but I think we’ll be able to go mainstream with this,” he chatters on, excitement building with every word. “Director Ryu said he’d personally call you up later to congratulate you, so don’t turn off your phone and ignore your calls, okay? I think he wants to ask you to film in his next movie but he didn’t discuss the details with me. Whatever it is - please say yes. I know the guy is a little pompous old fart but he really has an eye for this sort of thing. Casting you and Hoseok in the same film was the work of God. The chemistry between the two of you is unreal, no wonder people are jacking off to this at 10 am while they eat their cereal.”

You think it’s too early to rejoice in the success of your video considering the majority of the viewers are sleeping or busy at work - but when THE SPERMINATOR retains its number one ranking for the remainder of the week, you know your achievement deserves to be properly celebrated.

True to Seokjin’s word, Director Ryu does end up calling you. He wants to work with you and Hoseok again for a new film - and possibly more.

“A multi-film contract? You want to sign one with me?”

“How could I not? You’re both naturals and work well together. More importantly, the camera loves you. And people are on board with the pairing already! I think it’s a good idea to capitalize on their interest, don’t you think?”

It doesn’t take much more to convince you — not that you need any convincing at this point.

You refuse to be a flash-in-the-pan star. Although you admittedly had your reservations at first, the unexpected success of the last film is all Ryu needs to persuade you.

And - you like Hoseok. It goes without saying that there are far worse people to be partnered up with. Besides, it’s easier to work with co-stars you’ve starred in movies with previously for multiple reasons. Your acting is much more likely to come off as natural if you’re already acquainted with the dick that’s about to split you open - at least, that’s what you tell yourself.

When you mention the possibility of working again with Hoseok, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to share your enthusiasm.

“So it’s not a one time thing?” He’s not looking at you directly, his attention fixed instead on the freshly brewed coffee he nurses in his hands.  

“I mean—” You smile tentatively. “Director Ryu hasn’t said for how long he’ll keep hiring us for his projects. Maybe - maybe he’ll keep the format and hire different actors in the future? He - he didn’t really say. I don’t think he has much of an idea himself. He’s very...peculiar.”

You force out a laugh, but your attempt to lighten up the atmosphere falls flat.

“I see.” Jimin brings the coffee cup to his mouth to hide his grimace.

You don’t need to see his dejected expression to know that he isn’t pleased with this development.

“Do you - is there something wrong with Hoseok?” You hesitate, unsure of how he’ll reply.

Jimin’s never insisted you step down from a project before or expressed his dissatisfaction with any of your ‘artistic choices’, although you always imagined that someday, somewhere down the line, he might. Compared to your past dalliances, Jimin is understanding and empathetic. You don’t expect him to be perfect, however, especially when you yourself are far from that. Everyone must have their own personal limits, right? It’s unfair to ask Jimin to be accepting all the time.

It’s just that...the timing is bad.

You want to take his feelings into consideration, but you’re also aware that this might be your last opportunity to get your name out there once and for all. Your previous works have never tanked, so to speak, but they’d mostly gone by unnoticed. While you’ve managed to make ends meet in the past, such anonymity cannot go on for much longer if you want to remain in this line of work.

Your lipstick wears off as you bite your lower lip. Silence hangs heavy in the air.

Jimin sets down his cup of coffee and averts his gaze.

“No. No, there’s nothing wrong with him.”

You breathe out in relief, only now realizing you’d been holding in your breath as you awaited his answer.  

“It’s a bit difficult,” he admits after a pause. “Watching both of you together... Not because it’s bad! You did really good last time. You always do, but - saying ‘I love you’, that kind of stuff, it’s - I don’t know. It’s not your fault, though! I just need some time to adjust. Next time shouldn’t be as strange - since I know what to expect...”

You blink slowly as your brain registers the confession. His words echo in your ears and a strong feeling of déjà-vu washes over you. He’d said something along those lines before, hadn’t he?

Jimin shrugs like it’s no big deal before continuing, “As for Hoseok... He seems like a good person, I guess. I don’t think he’s the problem. Whether it’s him or another guy...” He sighs. “I think I just need to work this out on my own. It’s not like I can ask you to turn down a job offer because of me, right?”

Guilt makes your stomach turn. He’s right. As much as you want to respect his feelings, you can’t bring yourself to turn down the job for his sake. Does that make you selfish? Does he think less of you for it?

“Alright...” When you reach out to take his hand in yours, his skin is surprisingly cold to the touch. “You’ll tell me if it ever bothers you, okay? Filming this - or anything else. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with what I do...”

You’re not sure what you’ll do if that moment ever comes to pass. Work is your number one priority in life. Many of your relationships haven’t worked out because of that very reason but your past lovers’ dissatisfaction hadn’t been enough to change your mindset. After all, work is what helps put money on the table, not love. You shake your head, as if the action will help you get rid of your stressful thoughts.  

Jimin nods as he interlaces his fingers with yours. On normal days, holding hands together puts your mind at rest. You love the way his hand fits in yours, the different skin tones blending into one.

Right now, his pale hand feels unnaturally cold against your own. It feels like winter itself is embracing you and you repress a shiver.

Maybe as his girlfriend it’s not the right choice to make, but — you can’t falter now. It physically pains you to admit it but Seokjin’s worrying isn’t unfounded. Your career is stagnant, your projects predictable and boring. You’re not bad at your job, but you don’t stand out amidst the sea of pretty girls hoping to make a name for themselves.

There’s no guarantee that Director Ryu’s new project will be as successful as the first. You’re no stranger to false hopes; there’s a chance that Seokjin’s wishful thinking might never amount to anything. Even so, you want to give it a shot. Not trying feels too much like giving up and giving up is not an option you’re willing to consider, not when you’ve already put so much on the line.

You’re not a quitter. Seokjin had warned you from day one that it wouldn’t be easy and you’d taken his lessons and warnings to heart. You’d become an adult entertainer fully aware of the trials and tribulations you’d have to face and had been prepared to make the necessary sacrifices in order to achieve your goals.

But are the risks truly worth it? Looking at Jimin’s dejected expression, you’re not so sure anymore.

.

.

.

They’ve really gone all out this time, you muse as you cast a cursory glance at your surroundings. A small, electric waterfall fountain sits in the far right corner and crimson colored scented candles are dispersed all around the elaborate massage parlor set-up, dousing the room in a cosy, amber glow. It’s a surprising sight because porn sets are famous for never focusing on the details. Viewers are here for the sex, not the generic backdrop of a rented room or hotel suite.

Director Ryu vehemently protests.

“That’s precisely what sets apart my works from your average pornography film. I want the viewer to be completely immersed in the movie they’re watching. Porn is too constricting and underwhelming a word. What I’m creating is a feast for the eyes, one that leaves a lasting impression after consumption.”

“Ah... Yes.” You try (and fail) to sound impressed.  

“People want to believe the sex is real, even if it’s just for an hour.” He sighs deeply, sounding pained, like explicating such a simple fact isn’t worthy of his time. “They need the escape and it’s our job to make it happen. A few extra candles might not make a colossal difference at first glance. But that’s where you’re wrong! It’s never been about the candles. It’s about the ambiance! The visual experience!”

It’s a pity the new budget doesn’t extend to your wardrobe, you remark internally as your gaze drops to observe the stylists’ pick of the day.

For the upcoming scene, you’ve been instructed to squeeze into a tight, baby pink shirt that stretches obscenely over your bust like something straight out of a frat boy’s wet dream. Inwardly, you congratulate yourself for hitting the gym religiously because your clothes—or lack thereof—put everything on display. The cotton material of your shirt is so thin, you’re surprised the stitches haven’t popped out, while the denim bottoms you sport are so tiny that you could hardly qualify them as shorts. Although—you suppose that there isn’t any use debating over semantics. It’s not as if they’ll stay on long enough for it to matter.

The scenario that you’ll be acting out today is pretty straight-forward. You stop by the parlor to cash in a voucher gifted by a generous and thoughtful friend. Hoseok, who plays the role of an erotic masseuse, gives you a deep tissue body massage worthy of a five star review on Yelp.

Director Ryu is extremely proud of the pitch. His spectacles glint as he pushes them up the bridge of his long nose.

“We’re gonna call it My Bare Lady. Haha, get it?” He gloats. “It’ll be different from our last shoot - the both of you aren’t supposed to be acquainted with each other at all. In fact, there won’t be any romance. We’re aiming for something new because as artists, it’s our duty to reinvent ourselves every day. Complacency is the enemy of creativity.”

At the mention of Hoseok, your gaze flits over in his direction.

His brown hair, two shades lighter than the last time you’d run into him, is swept to the side, giving him a professional and tidy appearance. He’s swapped his workout attire for beige scrub pants and a matching shirt. The color compliments the glow of his tan and the cut of the uniform is flattering to his figure. Diretor Ryu’s speech continues despite your wavering focus.

“—visual stimulation. That’s why one shouldn’t underestimate the proper use of props. A believable setting sets the tone for the rest of the scene. If you don’t believe the role you’ve been given, then why should the audience?”

“Mhm,” you nod here and there but you’ve long stopped paying attention to his one-sided speech.

Your eyes linger on Hoseok’s arms and the dimples that appear every time he laughs. You’re not the only one who stares. A small group of admirers flock to him like bees swarming around a rare and exotic flower.

You’d noticed it before but today confirms it; Hoseok’s presence is riveting. It’s not the first time today your gaze has strayed his way. More than once, you find your eyes drawn to him like a moth to a flame only to quickly avert your gaze whenever your eyes meet. Each time, the right side of his mouth quirks into a half-smile, the beginning of a question forming on his lips.

It’s embarrassing to be caught red-handed gawking but, in your defense, you aren’t the only one who ogles him—and many of them are far less discreet than you try to be, some gazes curious, others downright lecherous.

It bothers you. What exactly do you and everyone else find so fascinating about his character? He’s good-looking, sure—but you’re no stranger to handsome and pretty co-stars with nicely shaped dicks. You can’t put a finger on what sets him apart from the rest.

The gaffer comes over and momentarily interrupts the flow of Director Ryu’s monologue with a personal inquiry. Thank God. You use the opportunity to slip away, grateful that someone has put an end to your misery. As thankful as you are to the director for the career opportunity, you could do without his long-winded speeches that never seem to end.  

“Hey, Hoseok.”

His smile widens, the corners dimpling the moment he spots you. “Hey! It’s been a while. Who would’ve thought we’d get to work again so soon, huh?”

“I didn’t think our last movie would do so well, honestly.”

Without its success, who knows what kind of movie you’d be participating in right now? Another re-hashed version of ‘BABYSITTER GETS CREAMED’ type scenario, most probably.

“I guess that’s a testament to your acting skills, right?”

You smile back, sheepish but nevertheless pleased. It always feels nice to be complimented, especially on days like today when you’re feeling less confident than usual.

“You changed up your hair.”

“Yeah! I thought I needed a change.” He threads his fingers through his locks self-consciously. “It looks fine, right?”

“It does!” you agree with an enthusiastic nod.

Jimin, who had insisted to be present on set today, hovers on the edge of your periphery. In the back of your mind you know he means well—that his presence is meant to be a source of support and security. On a typical day, you’re relieved that someone you trust is close by in case the situation escalates. While you’ve never had any horrific experiences, there have been the occasional uncomfortable encounters behind the scenes. Thankfully, Seokjin or Jimin have always stepped in before whichever entitled asshat could get too handsy.

But for the first time, his presence doesn’t comfort you the way it usually does.

Your smile becomes stiff.

The last thing you want is for Jimin to misunderstand the situation... Despite his claims of not having any problems with you shooting again with Hoseok, you can’t forget the stony expression on your boyfriend’s face as he had stared your co-star down, his grip around your waist strong and possessive.

“Are you okay?” Hoseok inquires, noticing your change in attitude. Worry creases his brow. He takes a step forward as if to check up on you.

“I’m okay!” You wave your hands around in the air, if only to maintain the distance separating your figures.

Despite your energetic reassurances, Hoseok looks unconvinced. He tilts his head to the side, his eyes narrowing in concern.

You wrack your head for an acceptable excuse. “Maybe I have pre-performance jitters? It’s nothing serious, though!”

It’s not too far from the truth, either. You feel more nervous than usual... Maybe because you’re aware that today’s shoot will most likely make or break your career. If the results prove to be disappointing, you don’t want to imagine what that means for your future.

You shake your head, refusing to accept any talks of early retirement.

But what other choice will you have, your inner voice argues. If no one is interested in viewing your works, no production company will want to book you for their movies. Even if you’re able to shoot half a dozen films after this failed attempt, the interest and support from viewers and higher-ups will soon dry up.

Hoseok’s features soften.

“Look, I know we don’t know each other that well yet, but if my opinion means anything... I think you’re really amazing.” His deep brown eyes reflect sincerity. “I haven’t had this much fun performing with anyone before and it’s not just ‘cos you’re fucking hot.” He laughs to cover up his embarrassment. “Maybe it’s a bit of a reach to compare the two, but porn is a bit like dancing in a way. There’s a choreography to follow, a certain rhythm and mood you have to get into. But the most important part is the chemistry and trust between you and your partner. And you - when I perform with you, it doesn’t feel like I’m acting at all. Not many people have that ability. For what it’s worth, I think you’re pretty special.”

“T-thanks,” you stutter in reply, taken aback by his candor. “I appreciate that.”

You’re not the only one caught off-guard by Hoseok’s frankness. He rubs the back of his neck and chuckles to fill up the momentary lapse in conversation. A bashful smile inches its way across his face, but surprisingly he doesn’t break eye contact.

You quickly change subjects, unwilling to acknowledge the slight fluttering in your stomach.

“...So, you dance?”

It’s not the smoothest transition, but Hoseok’s face instantly lights up.

“Yes! I mean,” he pauses and clears his throat. “Not professionally. I minored in dance. But it’s something I definitely enjoy, you know, to blow off some steam. Ah, wait a sec—”

He takes out his phone to show you short video clips of his dancing. He pulls up his instagram account and scrolls through an eclectic mix of mirror selfies showcasing his bold fashion choices, dog pics, and videos of him working out and dancing.

“Here’s a recent one.”

You don’t know much about dance but in spite of your little knowledge in the subject, your eyes stay transfixed on the screen in front of you. “Whoa...”

The way he moves is enthralling, for lack of a better word. You know from experience that his body is flexible and agile, lithe and strong, but seeing it in action like this leaves you speechless, momentarily robbed of coherency. You can’t even describe it. His execution of the choreography is sharp and powerful, yet his body doesn’t look rigid. On the contrary, his movements are surprisingly fluid and he never misses a single beat. You watch in astonishment as he pushes himself off of his knees after bending backwards in one fell swoop.

“Eh? Is it even possible to move your body that way?” Surely if you try to mimic him, you’ll look like a flailing chicken. “That can’t be safe...”

Hoseok laughs at your shocked expression. “It takes a lot of practice. You should come to a workshop one day! My friend teaches beginners. He’d be glad if you could join. The more the merrier, right? You don’t need to know any of the basics... And if you’re worried about people poking fun—don’t. Dancing isn’t a competition or anything.”

“I dunno.” You hand him back his phone after watching the video loop back for a second time. “I think my back would crack if I attempted any of that.”

“I think you would do really well! You’re pretty flexible and I don’t think you need to worry about stamina. Your core muscles are also really well developed. Based on what I’ve seen, you have a good sense of balance and beat awareness, so even if you’ve never danced before, you have the body and disposition for it.”

“Well... I guess I—”

“Hey.” Jimin interrupts, plump lips curved into a polite smile. You try not to let your surprise show; you hadn’t even noticed him approaching. He kisses your cheek and slides his hand into yours, clasping it between his own. “Sorry to interrupt, doll. Seokjin wanted to have a word with you before the shoot.”

“Oh.” You blink, your eyes darting back and forth between Jimin and Hoseok. “Um...if you don’t mind?”

“That’s straight,” Hoseok steps back, shoving his hands down his pockets. He shoots you a tentative smile. “I’ll catch you later.”

You feel bad for ditching him mid-conversation after he’d been so nice, but you know how annoying your agent can get when ignored for too long.

Jimin’s fingers tighten around yours. When you look up, he’s pouting, his lips pursed and brows drawn together.

“Is something on your mind?”

You can see the hesitation flicker across his face. When he finally meets your gaze, his expression is troubled.

“It’s nothing...” He looks away again and the grip he has on your hand loosens.

“Hm.” You swallow down any further inquiries, worried you’ll upset him.

“What was that about, anyway?” he asks casually, trying his best to look uninterested. “You and Hoseok look like you’re getting along well.”

“Yeah.” The memory of your previous conversation makes you smile softly despite yourself. “He’s a nice guy.”

“I can imagine.” Jimin mutters under his breath. Before you have time to question him again, he straightens his spine, his features twisting into an apologetic expression. “Look, I gotta help setting up the cameras. I’ll see you after the shoot.”

“Ah... Alright.” You fight to keep the disappointment of your face. Since you only have a few minutes before filming begins, you’d been hoping to spend it with him.

As if reading your mind, Jimin leans in and kisses you, his plush lips soft and familiar against your own. You expect him to pull away after a few seconds but his left hand slots itself behind your neck, bringing you in closer to deepen the kiss. His other hand angles your head to the side, giving him more access, and he doesn’t waste any time before brushing his tongue against the roof of your mouth.

You respond to the kiss as if on auto-pilot, but your thoughts are all jumbled in your head. Jimin’s always been a good kisser but he’s rarely kissed you quite like this. His style is more of a slow-burn, the kind that slowly creeps up on you and leaves your whole body numb with pleasure. Every press of his lips feels like a silent prayer of worship and each swipe of his tongue tastes like adoration. You like that he takes his time, like you’re not just a quick meal to curb his hunger but a delicacy worthy of being savored.

Right now, this kiss feels unfamiliar. Urgency replaces devotion. Perhaps it’s because he’s short on time, but his touch is hurried and sloppy. He bites your lower lip, hard enough for it to hurt, and licks into your mouth when you mewl out a gasp of surprise.

“I wish I could just mark you up,” he pants against your parted lips. They feel tender when you smack them closed.

“The makeup artist is going to strangle you for messing up my lipstick.” You fake a scowl. You’re not half-wrong, though. Once she sees how swollen they’ve become she’s bound to take out her frustration on the closest available victim. “If you marked me for real, she’d probably kill you. Don’t tempt her.”

He chuckles and pulls back, letting his hands fall to his side. His eyes dart to somewhere behind your shoulder, his smile curving into a smirk.

“You’re right.” He sighs, looking back at you. “But that’s easier said than done. You’re hard to resist... Anyone would agree.”

Something dark clouds his eyes but whatever it is, it’s gone in the next blink.

You laugh, pleased nonetheless by his flattery. “Didn’t you say you had to help set up? You’re going to end up in trouble because of me…”

Jimin snorts but backs up all the same. “Don’t worry about me. Besides, you’re worth getting in trouble for.”

Someone behind you gags dramatically. “Absolutely sickening.”

When you whirl around, your agent shoots you a disgusted glare. “I was wondering what was taking you so long but I should’ve known you two were out here fabricating babies. Have you no shame?”

“I’ll see you after the shoot!” Jimin says quickly, eager to get away from Seokjin and his sharp tongue.

“See you.” You smile sweetly, ignoring Seokjin’s grumbling. You feel a pang of jealousy as you watch him scurry out of sight. If only you could avoid Seokjin’s pre-performance motivational speeches...

“Anyways.” Seokjin looks noticeably less irritated once Jimin is gone. “I wanted to check up on you before filming could begin. How’s your ass doing?”

You don’t bother hiding your grimace. “Squeaky clean and stretched.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” He sounds proud. “Don’t make that face. It’s your first anal scene after all. Doesn’t hurt to be prepared, right?”

By ‘be prepared’ he means following a strict diet prior to shooting, waking up at the ass crack of dawn to get a colonic, stretching out your asshole for a good thirty minutes using a fuck ton of lube, and constantly rehydrating yourself throughout the day to the point where you’d gone to the bathroom more times than you could count on one hand.

You’re never this thorough with prep before having anal but apparently that’s the difference between fucking in the privacy of your own home and on camera.

“There’s a reason why cleanliness is one of the fundamentals of anal sex, especially when shooting porn. It’s a pain...in the ass...but this way, no one sees something they’d rather not see,” had explained Seokjin after giving you a non-exhaustive list of detailed steps to follow. You suppose there’s logic behind his reasoning. Due to the magic of 4k-quality videos, viewers can now easily see everything, down to the sweat droplets dotting your hairline and any makeup-covered skin imperfections, so you don’t want to imagine what they’ll notice once the camera zooms in on your back entrance.

“Eventually you’ll get used to squeezing water out your bum on the regular.” He shrugs. “You’ll also start to avoid certain foods on your own. The dietary restrictions aren’t that bad, all things considered, and your body will thank you for eating more spinach than you’re used to. Greens are good for your health even if they taste like yuck.”

Athough his suggestions are well-intended, you don’t need another 25 minute speech on all the know-hows of filming anal sex. The first time had been more than enough.

“Thanks for the advice!” you interject right as he opens his mouth to continue his counseling. “That reminds me I need to get this butt plug out of my ass before we start shooting.”

Seokjin sighs. “That would be preferable, yes.”

He doesn’t need to know that you’ve taken out the butt plug in the bathroom half an hour ago. Any excuse will do, as long as you’re spared from listening to his passionate discourse on the benefits of high-fibre food diets and his long list of enema tutorial video recommendations.

The fussing, you think, is unnecessary. You’re not worried about the upcoming sex scene, even if it will be the first time someone other than your partner sees you in that position. No, what troubles you is the possibility of the audience growing tired of seeing you onscreen now that they’ve witnessed you take it up the ass. Boredom is the reason why so many of your peers are forced to end their careers prematurely, after all. Why else is Seokjin so adamant about you pacing yourself and not filming everything there is to film right off the bat? You’ve always held off shooting anal, double penetration and the likes, for that very reason. Although you have no qualms with the act itself, you’re worried that you’re now one step closer to retirement.

The thoughts sit on your shoulders like a heavy weight as you get ready for the scene to come. You listen to Director Ryu’s instructions as he describes the scenario’s key points, your character’s motives, and what sex positions you should include before the scene comes to an end.

“The rest is up to you,” he says with an encouraging nod. “I want the words to come from the heart! Let yourself be a vessel, a way for your character to express their innermost desires.”

“Leave it up to us.” Hoseok’s smile radiates confidence.

“I like your enthusiasm!” Director Ryu approves, clapping his hands together. He misses the way his two leading actors exchange exasperated glances over his shoulder. “Good, then we’re all set? Remember where the cameras are positioned, please, or else we’ll have to reshoot to get the right angles.”

“Got it.” You nod, eager to get this show on the road. Between him and Seokjin, your ears are about to fall off from the incessant chattering. Even the camera men are starting to grow restless.

Speaking of... You meet Jimin’s gaze, the sides of your mouth upturning the moment you spot him. As usual, he looks slightly out of place standing between the other crew members, his white, ironed dress shirt neatly tucked into his black pants providing a stark contrast with his co-workers’ unkempt appearance.  

Jimin mirrors your smile and your shoulders immediately relax. A lot of people may not understand why you’d allow your boyfriend on set while you’re fucking someone else, but his presence brings you a strange sense of comfort that’s hard to put into words.

The sound of your name being called pulls you from your line of thought.

“Can you scoot over to the right? Just a little.” Director Ryu orders while glancing at the monitor. “Yes, that’s much better. And can we fix the lighting, please? My shadow’s getting picked up by the camera.”

Now that the start of the shoot is right around the corner, your stomach cramps up with a nervous kind of anticipation. Your tongue feels like cotton in your mouth and even when you swallow, the unpleasant feeling doesn’t go away.

You clasp your hands together in your lap to hide the minute trembling of your fingers. It’s strange, you think. Ever since you started working with Hoseok, you always get too wrapped in your thoughts. Not necessarily in a bad way, at least not all the time, but --

“You all good?” Hoseok asks, low enough that the mics won’t be able to pick up his questioning. “Do you need some water?”

You shake your head. “I’m good, thanks.”

He hesitates but doesn’t push. “I just wanna run this with you one last time. I know we already signed the consent forms but I’d feel better talking with you about the scene directly.”

“Oh.” You remember he’d done something similar last time, too. “Sure.”

“Anal aside, are you okay with the use of degrading names during the scene?” His eyes never leave yours, like he wants you to know how serious he is.

“I’m okay with you calling me a whore.” Your shoulders loosen up. It’s easy to relax when you’re on familiar territory. Working in this industry requires complete transparency. There’s no shame in discussing your kinks just like there’s no shame in admitting the acts you’re not comfortable performing. “As long as I can call you a slut.”

“That’s fine.” His lips quirk up, but not in a mocking or dismissing way. “I don’t really have any hard limits myself, except for what you’ve already seen on paper. Degradation is fine with me. Call my dick tiny all you want, I won’t take it to heart.”

You laugh, forgetting to keep the volume down. “I’ll keep that in mind…”

“So degradation is fine. Is humiliation okay as well? Situational and verbal?”

“I like that.” You bite your lower lip as you remember your encounter with Min Yoongi a month or so ago, how turned on you’d been from his words alone. “I’ll admit I haven’t dabbled too much in BDSM on the porn scene, but I enjoyed what I’ve done so far.”

“That’s good to know.” He raises his brow. “Ever since we received the pitch for today’s movie I’ve been trying to think of ways to make it, uh, more interesting. So to speak. But I didn’t want to take any initiatives if they made you uncomfortable. Oh, also I meant to ask if there was anything you wanted to include in the scene aside from anal sex.”

Somehow you’re not surprised he’s put thought into this. Last time you’d worked with him, he’d been overflowing with suggestions as well. Maybe because the previous filming formats aren’t as flexible, but it’s not often you meet someone so willing to exchange ideas before filming.

The change is more than welcome. For the first time, it feels like your opinion actually matters. The two of you quietly go back and forth discussing different possibilities while the filming crew finish setting up the set the way Director Ryu wants it.

“Alright,” Ryu calls, settling into the director’s chair. Somewhere in the background, the gaffer wipes off his brow. “Everyone ready to rooooollll?”

Hoseok takes a few steps back and reaches for a nearby clipboard.

Miraculously, you note distantly, the swarming of butterflies in your stomach is now gone. Your palms are no longer clammy and cold with perspiration. When you swallow, there’s no lump of nerves stuck in your throat.

Hoseok sends an encouraging smile your way right before Director Ryu yells “ACTION!” and he schools his features into a more polite, appropriate expression.

He doesn’t speak up right away, just walks over to where you’re sitting on the massage table in a leisurely manner. You open your mouth to fill the silence but he beats you to it.

“Welcome to Happy Ending Clinic, where we ensure every client leaves feeling 100% satisfied. We guarantee high quality services personally adapted to suit the needs of our every client,” Hoseok says in lieu of greeting, the lilt in his voice smooth and practiced, like he’s used to repeating this introduction multiple times throughout the day. “My name is J-Hope and today you will be in my care.”

“Nice to meet you.” You’re careful to keep your back ramrod straight, hoping the stiffness in your body will be picked up by the cameras.

The role you’re playing today is more reserved and awkward than the usual unabashed and bold characters you’re used to acting. And while it’s not your first time pretending to be coy and shy for the cameras, such behavior isn’t second nature.

His smile, whilst professional, radiates warmth. You suppose it’s meant to be reassuring.

“I will do my best to make this session unforgettable.”  

His gaze sweeps over the clipboard sitting in his hands.

“Hmmm... ______, is it?” When you nod in affirmation, he continues. “It says here it’s your first time visiting our establishment.”

You’re surprised at how naturally he adapts to the role he’s been assigned to. The words that roll off his tongue sound like his own.

“Yes... Honestly, I - I didn’t think it was necessary, but my friend insisted - I mean, she recommended I visit this place...said it would do me some good.”

You wring your hands in your lap. You’re lucky the character you’re playing today is supposed to be a little shy and rigid. Otherwise, you’re not sure Director Ryu would have let your awkward stuttering slide.

“That’s not a problem.” The lines of Hoseok’s mouth bend into a reassuring smile. “Let’s see... It says you’ve booked an hour-long session?”

“Yep.”

“Then with your permission, I’d like to take fifteen supplementary minutes to find out which massage course is best suited for a novice like you. It’ll be free of charge, of course.”

You nod, eager to get the show on the road. Given your character’s disposition, maybe you should have pretended to mull over the proposal for a few seconds more - if only for appearance’s sake - but you’re tired of all this talking. Impatience gets the best of you.

“Oh! Yes, that sounds fine.”

He pulls out several colorful mock pamphlets and hands them over for you to peruse their contents. You try not to let your astonishment show.

It’s the first time you’ve seen a prop team this devoted to their task. Although the insides of the brochures remain blank, you still can’t believe someone actually took the time to print out fake brochure covers. You appreciate the effort, even if the covers do look like they’ve been made by someone who’s looking to major in ‘graphic design is my passion.’

You hold one up at random and pretend to read through it, hoping that whoever will watch the movie later will ignore the ugly block font that spells out ‘NAUGHTY MASSAGE : FOUR HANDS EDITION.’

“Inside, you’ll find a detailed explanation on the various vegan, cruelty-free products we use. All of our treatments are oil-based and you can choose the scent of your choice. If your skin is particularly sensitive, we have essential oil-infused body butters that work just as effectively and leave the skin silky smooth to the touch. Depending on your skin type, you might be interested in testing—” He takes out several jars all while explaining the different health benefits of ylang ylang essential oil.

Once again, you’re caught off guard by his convincing performance. Even though you’ve been given several pointers by the director before filming, Hoseok is the one who ultimately calls the shots. Inwardly, you wonder how he manages to come up with such original lines on the spot. Despite not being a professional actor, Hoseok’s intuitive choices are beyond your expectations.  

The thoroughness of his explanation makes your head spin. Cruelty-free products? Body butter? You have no way of knowing whether his statements are fabricated for the sake of the vague storyline - but you suppose the credibility of his words doesn’t really matter in the end. It’s the small details he sprinkles here and there that help you immerse in the scene.  

His proficiency in acting makes all of your worries melt away. It’s hard to believe he’s only a rookie, just starting off his career, and not an acting veteran with dozens of movies under his belt.

Not wanting to be entirely overshadowed by your co-star, you furrow your eyebrows, determination set into your features.

“I’m sorry... I’ve never done this before. They all look the same to me.”

“Ah.” Still, Hoseok’s smile stays amiable and professional. “Well, let’s go about it this way - why do you think your friend insisted you visit our establishment?”

You catch your bottom lip between your teeth, your gaze dropping to the floor in order to avert his probing stare. “I - um. I haven’t had - I mean, I guess I’ve been stressed lately. More pent up than usual. I’ve tried exercising and meditating and mas- uh...well everything, honestly. But nothing seems to work. I’m snappy all the time and...frustrated.”

Today, the character you’re playing is a bit more bashful, too timid to voice her desires into spoken words. “It’s all about the tension! The build-up!” Director’s Ryu’s voice echoes in your mind as a reminder.

“I see,” Hoseok nods, taking your comments into consideration. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the quality of your sleep?”

“A five...” you say after a moment’s hesitation. “I don’t wake up during the night, but it takes me a long time to fall asleep.”

“Do you feel any pain anywhere?”

“Pain? No, not really.” You roll your shoulders back, conscious of the way your perky chest juts out, nipples prominent through the cheap fabric. “My neck does feel sore from time to time but I think it’s because I work an office job. They say staying hunched over in front of a computer all day is bad for your health.”

His gaze roams your figure, quietly assessing. “It is.”

“May I?” he asks, taking a tentative step closer. “I think I’ll need to gauge your level of sensitivity for myself. We’ll adjust the intensity of the massage depending on how much pressure you can withstand and how your body reacts to different types of stimuli.”

Your brows lift. “Oh. Sure, why not.”

“Move back a little. A bit more.” You obey his instructions without second thoughts. “That’s perfect, thank you.”

Your legs dangle awkwardly over the edge of the massage table. You can probably close them if you wanted to, but you don’t miss an opportunity to expose yourself in front of the cameras. The shorts you’re wearing are more like tiny scraps of denim put together with the help of a few stitches. You’re certain that if someone were to really look, they’d see the outline of your pussy lips.

Hoseok walks around the table to stand behind you. The sensation is somewhat familiar—right away, you’re reminded of the first encounter with Hoseok, the one where he’d wrapped his arms around you and whispered words of love into your ear. You close your eyes and let the images flash by in quick succession. The memories all come rushing in at once—an artist’s lips painting your skin like a brush would canvas, a potter’s agile fingers molding your body from clay, a lyricist’s tongue composing sonnets into your weeping, open cunt. Your body remembers it all.

When he finally touches you, his hands radiate warmth the shadow of his memory does not.

A shudder runs down your spine.

Oblivious to your inner thoughts, Hoseok carefully gathers your hair into a ponytail and moves it out of the way. His mobility no longer restricted, he lets his slender digits travel down the slope of your neck, the pads of his fingers digging into the meat of your shoulders.

“You’re unusually tense here.” Concern colors his voice as he increases the pressure.

Suddenly the discomfort you’re to convey to the audience is no longer feigned. “Ow!”

The wince that mars your face is authentic. You try to wiggle out of his grasp to relieve the sharp ache in your shoulders. Hoseok’s grip is strong, however, and he keeps you exactly where he thinks you ought to be.

“Hmm...”

He massages your arms one by one. The circular movements he traces across your skin are a lot more gentle this time around, and you allow yourself to slowly relax under his touch. He manipulates your body like one would a rag doll, pulling your arm over your head.

“Can you reach behind, towards your neck? How about a little lower? You should feel a stretch here.” He taps at an arm muscle.

“Yeah… I can definitely feel it.”

You suspect that Hoseok’s stunt as a Pilates instructor is what’s helping him sound so experienced and natural.

“Good.” He lets out a pleased hum. “Hold the position for as long as you can.”

His hands reach around your body to squeeze your perky breasts. You gasp at the rather rough way he handles your tits. Perhaps it’s because you’ve been told to forgo a bra, but you’re much more conscious of his every action - from the way his fingers splay out, cupping the fullness of your breasts between them, to the way he kneads your mounds with his entire palm as he gropes you from behind.

“How often do you masturbate?” he asks in an almost offhand manner, his tone is more clinical than casual. The question is crude and direct enough to distract you from the way his fingers encircle your nipples through the cotton fabric of your shirt.

You recall Ryu’s earlier directions: unlike your first movie together, this tryst is not romantic in nature. The scenario that you’re acting out this time doesn’t involve sweet kisses and whispered declarations of love. Feelings aren’t on the table.

You pretend like the bitter taste you swallow down isn’t disappointment.

“Um.” You struggle to remember the initial question. Luckily, your mental buffering comes off as bashful and true to the character you’re playing. “I, uh, I guess masturbate often?”

“But it isn’t enough, is it?”

His question comes off as slightly patronizing. Before you can formulate a suitable answer, Hoseok’s fingers tweak your hardened nipples and your back bows under the pressure. You oscillate between the desire to thrust your chest out in offering, and the pressing need to flee the sharp sensations his skilled hands provoke.

“I - um!” You squirm helplessly as he continues playing with your breasts. “It isn’t!”

“Just as I thought.” He pinches both of your nipples and pulls at them until you cry out in half-pain, half-pleasure. The thin material of your shirt doesn’t dull the ache; if anything, the cotton scratches your skin, rubbing the nubs raw.

Despite your very visible discomfort, Hoseok doesn’t let go. You can only sit there obediently while he has his fun, knowing that if you wiggle too much it’ll only worsen the pain.

“Ah!”

Only then does he release them. You fight against the urge to cover your sore nipples. Your flimsy shirt hadn’t provided any protection against his rough onslaught, none at all.

“You’re quite sensitive,” he observes, giving your breasts one last squeeze.

Finished with his appraisal, he steps away and picks his clipboard up. He makes his way around the massage table, coming back into view, and scribbles something onto the paper with a ballpoint pen. He looks so absorbed in his work that you almost fall for the act.  

You worry your bottom lip, crossing your arms over your chest self-consciously. Without a bra, your hardened nipples are clearly visible through the thin shirt. They jut out in a distracting way; Hoseok’s eyes drop down for a split-second in appreciation before flickering back to the clipboard in his hands.

“Your body is wound up. It’s tense in places it shouldn’t be.”

“Is that...a bad thing?”

“No. Your case is not abnormal.” He shakes his head and offers you a reassuring smile. “Although... Hm. When was the last time you achieved an an orgasm?”

You look away, mumbling your answer in an embarrassed voice. “Last night.”

More scribbling. He taps the end of the pen against his chin, pretending to be lost in thought.

His eyes glint when he asks, “How many times did you cum?”

It’s not real - none of this is - and yet you can feel warmth spreading from your cheeks down to your chest. It’s a strange sensation, stuck somewhere between humiliation and arousal, and it makes your entire body heat up from the inside out.

“Just - Just once…”

“Look at me.”

Your eyes snap towards his on command. He looks relaxed, unbothered, like he’s discussing the weather forecast and not your masturbation habits. You want to look away but something in his stare pins you in place.

“You’re telling me the truth, right?”

“Yes! I’m not - I wouldn’t lie.”

“Good.” He smiles pleasantly, nodding to himself. “So. You came once. Did you use your fingers? Or, perhaps, a toy?”

He’s still staring at you, forcing you to look him straight in the eyes while you confess your sins. Your thighs clench together and you struggle to focus on the conversation at hand.

“F-fingers.” Your breathing becomes ragged as you imagine Hoseok’s fingers replacing your imaginary ones. They’d fill you up nicely, too. Compared to your own, they’re longer, capable of reaching places yours can’t. All you’d have to do is hook your arms under your knees and keep your legs spread wide open. He doesn’t even need to take your clothes off; he could pull the seam of your shorts and underwear to the side and fuck you just like that. “I only used my fingers.”

He raises an eyebrow like he doesn’t quite believe you. Somehow, that makes the fire between your legs burn hotter. It’s like - he knows you’re too cockhungry to settle for just fingers. And if a mere stranger can tell how desperate you are to get fucked, what about the rest?

“Interesting.” Hoseok’s eyes darken by the minute. “And do you prefer clitoral stimulation to penetration?”

“I-” You pause and struggle to formulate your response. Your ears feel hot. In fact - your entire face feels like it’s on fire.

The embarrassment you feel doesn’t make sense - you’ve never had any qualms discussing sex. You can talk candidly about any topic for hours on end, from the condom brands you prefer to advice on how to maintain a rash-free pussy, to the point where some people might think you’re over-sharing or being too crass. Discussing intimate topics shouldn’t be a problem.

It’s not even a real dialogue anyway, so why do you -

“Yes?” Hoseok leans forward, interrupting your train of thought. The corner of his mouth is upturned, like he can’t help but be amused by your discomfiture.

“I like, um.” You close your eyes, hoping that it’ll somehow make the admission easier. It doesn’t. The darkness makes you feel even more exposed, like all your secrets are laid bare for him to see. Your voice quivers when you answer. “I - I touch - I mean, sometimes I’ll - my fingers aren’t long enough. So just rubbing the outside is - fine.”

“Ah. You like being stuffed full, I take it?” Hoseok’s vulgar vocabulary makes your eyes snap open in shock. He smirks, not expecting you to answer. “Poor girl.”

You shake your head, your reply dying in your throat. With every word he utters, your thoughts become fuzzy, muddled.

“What did you imagine last night while you were getting off? A stranger fucking your face? Big men taking turns using your cunt? Tell me. In detail, preferably.”

“I don’t see how-” The sharp look in his eyes makes you swallow down any protest. Still. You can’t get your mouth to work correctly and you look back at him helplessly.

“Is there a reason why you can’t tell me?” He tilts his head to the side, the smirk on his face growing, canines flashing. “Oh. I see.”

You flinch, your face impossibly hot.

“Were you thinking of today’s session?” He chuckles, delighted. “That’s quite naughty of you. Although, I can’t blame you, can I? We are known to deliver the best orgasma. It’s only natural to imagine what would happen.”

That’s right, you think. You’d spent all night fantasizing about a faceless, nameless stranger’s hands all over your naked body. How long had it been since you’d felt someone’s touch? Their tongue buried deep in your cunt, fucking you until your thighs trembled? Even your best dildo couldn’t hold a candle to a hot-blooded, throbbing cock.

Hoseok taps the pen against the clipboard, the staccato sound filling the silence.

“One last question.” He makes sure he has your undivided attention before continuing. “No need to look so worried. I won’t ask you what lewd thoughts you get off to, although maybe in future sessions I’ll expect that of you.”

You don’t linger on the implication there - that you’ll undoubtedly come back for seconds - and nod your assent for him to go on.

“Did you cum hard while thinking of getting fucked by me today?”

You inhale sharply, struggling to hold his stare. “I… The sheets were so wet afterwards, I had to change them.”

“I see.” He jots something down on his clipboard but his reaction doesn’t give anything away. Nervously, you pull on a loose string hanging from the hem of your short. “Hm…”

After a few seconds of silence he speaks up again, done with his assessment.

“Well, normally for first timers such as yourself we’d recommend starting with a more soothing body massage. But I think in your case a more thorough massage is needed. It’s not a cause for concern!” He adds quickly, as if to assuage any growing fears. “But in my professional opinion, I think the massage I have in mind for you might be more beneficial than the beginner level massage.”

“Um, what does this massage entail exactly?”

“We call it the full treatment. In other words - it’s a deep tissue penetration massage,” Hoseok explains calmly. “It includes an internal massage. We’ll use a variety of methods but rest assured - all techniques are tried and tested! You’ll be in safe hands.”

You pretend to mull it over.

Hoseok waits for your nod of confirmation before instructing, “There are towels at your disposal.” He motions to the pile of fluffy white towels folded neatly on the bench. “Feel free to use them. While you change into a...less restricting outfit, I’ll go retrieve the rest of the massage equipment. See you in a bit!”

And with that he’s gone. The privacy he grants you is, of course, just an illusion. Even without looking in their direction, you know that the cameras’ lenses are all focused on you, waiting to capture the impending striptease. You’d forgotten about them but Hoseok’s absence reminds you of their presence.

Per Director Ryu’s earlier instructions, you make a show of taking off your clothes. Teasing the camera comes naturally to you thanks to your prior experience as a cam girl; you know exactly which angles are the most flattering and which ones, on the other hand, emphasize your flaws.

Your back arches as you peel off your shirt, drawing attention to the swell of your breasts and the curve of your waist. Not long after do you shimmy out of your shorts, exaggerating the swing of your hips for the audience’s viewing pleasure. You try not to show your surprise when the dampness of your crotch sticks to your folds as you pull them down your legs - you hadn’t expected how much a simple tit massage and few exchanged words would rile you up.

The denim pools around your ankles and when you bend over to retrieve the useless item of clothing, you’re acutely aware of how your wet, waxed pussy peeks out from between your thighs. You stay in position, giving the camera ample time to zoom in, and while the stretch isn’t painful (thanks to your yoga lessons!), it is a rather awkward position to maintain.

Once you straighten up, you take a few seconds to fold up the shirt and itty bitty shorts before setting them aside. Normally, you’d leave your discarded clothing strewn about but you can’t imagine your character behaving in such an uncouth way.

With that thought in mind, you wrap yourself with a short towel. Rather than covering your intimate bits, it’s so short that it emphasizes your nakedness. When you go to sit on the massage table, the towel rides up, leaving you exposed and you have to fold your hands in your lap to preserve a semblance of modesty.

It’s easy to convey nervousness while you wait for Hoseok’s return. While you’ve never attended any drama school, you have watched plenty enough Netflix dramas to know which physical cues are more or less effective - constant fidgeting, shifty eyes, audible gulping. Since it’s your first time putting your knowledge into practice, you’re not certain how convincing your acting is, but hey, isn’t it the effort that counts? You’re not here to audition for the starring role in Hollywood’s next summer blockbuster, after all.

Hoseok knocks twice before entering, stopping your self-depreciation in its tracks. He’s abandoned the earlier clipboard for a large, nondescript, white cardboard box that rattles with every step he takes. It sounds more ominous than it actually is.

If Director Ryu is truly aiming for realism, he wouldn’t make Hoseok carry back the items in a fucking box, you think privately. Who even does that? Although you suppose realism isn’t the be-all end-all, no matter how much the director insists. Sometimes viewers like to be metaphorically edged and endlessly teased, and all this guessing only adds to the build-up, making the climax more than worth it. They could, of course, fast-forward to get to the juicy sex scenes, the crux of the matter, but you’d like to believe all this extra effort is worth it.

You blink curiously back at Hoseok, feigning ignorance.

“Oh good.” He beams in your direction, his eyes drinking in your scantily-clad figure. “Now that you’re more comfortable, please lie down for me.”

He sets the box to the side, opens the lid, and takes out a bottle of oil while you settle down on your stomach and carefully rearrange your towel so that it covers your bum.

“I’ve chosen bergamot essential oil for today’s massage. It’s a nice, citrus-like scent that’s not too overwhelming because it’s been mixed in with sweet almond oil. Its many virtues include, but are not limited to, increasing the body’s energy flow and enhancing feelings of joy and freshness.”

“That sounds lovely.” You sigh dreamily. Getting massaged and getting dicked down in one go? Hell yeah. That one is a no-brainer for sure.

There’s a shadow of a smirk on Hoseok’s face when he rounds on you, like he’s somehow privy to your thoughts. That, or your eagerness is too transparent. You’re betting on the latter.

His voice lowers an octave, the low timber making shivers run down your back.

“Shall we begin?”

He moves your hair to the side, leaving your neck and back exposed. He then pulls down your towel so that it uncovers the expanse of your back and covers more of your bottom half instead.

“Is this alright?” he inquires. As if testing the waters, his fingers trace down the line of your spine, stopping right before your lower back dips into a curve.

You moan your assent. “More than.”

Hoseok takes the bottle of oil and drizzles its contents over your skin like a painter splattering ink onto a blank canvas. He spreads the lubricant all over your back, rubbing your skin in circular motions until you’re coated with it. You let out a few pleased sounds here and there that are not entirely faked or exaggerated. He definitely knows what he’s doing with his hands.

Honestly, you feel sorry towards your co-star who’s stuck doing most of the work while you’re splayed out like a starfish. It feels a bit unfair that you’re getting paid more than him when he’s the one putting in most of the effort. Had you any shame, you’d give him half of your pay for his services. Alas.

“Tell me if it hurts anywhere,” he warns, not unkindly.

Your back stiffens. You expect Hoseok to replicate the rough treatment he’d inflicted to your breasts, but contrary to your expectations, he kneads your body gently, almost tenderly. The contrast between this touch and his earlier ministrations messes with your head. When his hands outline your flank, his fingers prodding the sides of your breasts, you swallow a hopeful sigh as you wait for him to envelop your soft mounds and roll your sensitive nipples between his skilled fingers.

Betrayal brews in your gut when he fails to indulge your fantasies. You’re tempted to grab his wrist and guide his hand to where you need it the most but you miraculously hold yourself back. Since the scene doesn’t call for that much impatience and desperation on your part, you’d hate to be the reason why Director Ryu asks for a re-take.

Thankfully, he soon puts you out of your misery. Hoseok retreats, done teasing the sides of your breasts for the time being. You’re not sure it’s relief or disappointment that swims in your lower belly, but Hoseok doesn’t give you time to dwell on the question. Almost as soon as he retracts his hands from your back, he redirects his attention to your legs. His hands, warm and slick from the oil, glide over the back of your calves and thighs with ease. His thumbs rub circular shapes into your flesh as he slowly works his way up, the pleasant sensations leaving your whole body boneless.

“You loosen up well.”

Hoseok’s fingers skirt the hem of the towel. Your breath gets caught in your throat as he toys with the fabric.

“Will you open up for me, pretty? You look tense right here.” He flips the towel up, revealing your bare lower half. He wastes no time before gripping the meat of your ass cheeks, fingers digging into the supple flesh. He spreads your cheeks apart, cool air blowing against your exposed holes, and lets them jiggle back into place after giving the camera ample time to capture the view. “Hm. Looks like you haven’t been properly stretched out in a long time... We’ll fix that today.”

Bolts of pleasure run through your body. The whole situation is ludicrous and yet, for whatever reason you cannot pinpoint, moisture gathers between your thighs with every passing second, adding to the mess dripping from your folds.

“Um, like this?” You part your legs open slightly, as if unsure. In situations like these, the biggest challenge is to act diffident and coy when all you want is for your co-star to blow your back out.

He tsks, the sound sharp and reproving. It goes straight to your core and makes your belly clench with unspeakable need.

“How am I supposed to fuck your holes open in that position?” He has the audacity to sound impatient. “Work with me here.”

He grabs your ankles and separates them himself, ignoring your yelp of surprise. Unaccustomed to the stretch, the muscles in your thighs strain with the effort to hold the position.

A whine slips out your mouth. He’s so mean.

While you expect Hoseok to act somewhat distant and objective because of the role he’s playing, his fluctuating behavior gives you nothing but whiplash. One moment he’s cordial and friendly, the epitome of what a  professional should be, the next he’s treating you like you’re his plaything, not his client.

His grip around your ankles is firm and unyielding. He’s got you spread impossibly wide, your legs dangling dangerously off the edge of the table with your waxed holes exposed for inspection.

“That’s good, just like that.” His hands let go of your ankles when he’s sure you won’t move from the position he’s steered you into. He strokes up your legs, the touch feather-light and fleeting. “Keep your legs spread wide. I want to see your cute little holes on display.”

His crude remarks make your body flush with heat.

Even if this is the sort of place that offers sexual gratification, Hoseok’s wording toes several lines. As his client, he should be focused on giving you pleasure, so why do his comments make it sound like you’re here for his entertainment instead?

Despite your character being fully aware of what type of establishment she’s visiting, you reckon Hoseok’s words are enough to make her squirm in embarrassment. There’s something filthy about the way he orders you around and bends you to his will. Even you’re not indifferent to the impersonal way he handles your body like a doll. Flickers of arousal lick up your spine, and with your legs extended so far apart, it’s not difficult for Hoseok to notice how much you’re wound up.

The position is far from proper. Hot streaks of humiliation burn through you when you imagine how easy and slutty you must seem to whoever is watching. You don’t dare move from the pose he’s maneuvered you into, not because you’re scared of the consequences, but because his presence demands obedience. Even without explicitly saying so, he’s made it clear that for the next hour or so, you’re his to toy with.

“Good girl. You open up so nicely.” Hoseok purrs, satisfied with your compliance. “Now let me see what I’m working with here.”

He swipes his index finger through your glossy folds, the action forcing you to stifle a startled gasp. It’s nothing like the erotic oil massage you’d experienced minutes prior. The touch is inquisitive, clinical, assessing. Like he’s testing out a new product before purchase.

You want to stay still but you’re so wound up from his incessant teasing. The slightest caress makes the hairs on the back of your nape stand straight. Hoseok is all too aware of this fact. The tip of his pointer finger comes in contact with your clit, the touch more delicate than a feather's caress. Hoseok watches with thinly veiled amusement as you jerk against the table.

“You really are sensitive,” he all but coos. “What a treat. Don’t need any oil when you’re leaking all over the table like a faucet. How long has it been since someone touched you here, hm?”

The teasing lilt in his voice borders on condescending. Heat simmers under the surface of your skin as you struggle to collect your thoughts.

“Eight months,” you squeak just as two of his fingers dip into your slicked up entrance.

“No wonder you’re all worked up.” He slides his digits right up to the knuckle, the glide so easy it’s embarrassing. “Needy holes like yours should be used more often.”

He fucks his fingers into your pussy one, two, three times, before pulling away, chuckling under his breath when your hips push back, greedy and desperate for more. Using the same hand he’d used to test out your cunt Hoseok slaps your ass once, the sharp sting making you still at once.

The damp mark on your ass is a testament to how fucking soaked you are. You can’t imagine what kind of mess the cameras are picking up on - but maybe you don’t have to.

Hoseok wipes his fingers off on you, using you to clean himself off. Although you can’t see anything because of the way you’re laying down, everything feels wet and filthy. He rubs your own juices onto your skin, reminding you of the intensity of your need.

And just when you don’t think his mouth can get any filthier, he proves you wrong.

“I can tell you haven’t been stretched recently,” he sighs, almost disappointed. “You’re just gagging for a pounding, aren’t you? It’s a shame your fuck-hole is too tight to take a big cock or I would have given it to you right away.”

Your lower body clenches as his words wash over you.

The idea sounds downright delicious. Hoseok is right. Even if it’s just for the sake of the storyline, there’s nothing more you want right now than a good, hard fucking. It would take him less than ten seconds for him to pull his hard cock out from his scrubs and make a home for himself between your thighs. Images flash through your mind of Hoseok’s hands on your breasts, in your hair, around your throat. You want him to cover you, smother you, as he forces you down against the table and takes his fill. You want his lips on your skin, hot and possessive, as he uses you like the cocksleeve he needs you to be.

God, you want that. You want to be used hard, to be fucked full until you break. You need this - your character needs this.

You whimper, high-pitched and needy. “Please. Please, I want it. I want - I want your cock.”

“I’m sure you do.” Hoseok all but scoffs. “Why don’t you just sit still and relax for me? I’m going to massage you until you’re nice and loose, alright? First-timers like you could get hurt if they’re not prepped properly but I’ll get you ready, don’t worry. By the end of this, you’ll be able to take big cocks in all your holes like a pro.”

“Shit.”

You bite back a moan, startled at how much you’re turned on.

Porn dialogue is rarely arousing. You’re the first to tune out your partner whenever they talk for longer than a minute. It’s because you hear the same exact shitty lines repeated so often that you’re half-convinced there’s a porn acting for dummies handbook being circulated around.

Although… Maybe if Hoseok’s lines had been delivered by someone else, they wouldn’t have the same effect on you. That’s the difference, you think to yourself. Hoseok’s delivery. The cockiness that infuses his every word, the way he confidently carries himself… He does it all so convincingly - nothing like the wooden and awkward memorized performances you’ve witnessed from fellow actors.

While you’re lost in thought, Hoseok rummages inside the cardboard box. Without his touch or words to distract you, it’s harder to ignore the building arousal between your legs. As the seconds tick by, your shameful desire only worsens.

Before you can crane your neck or voice your confusion, Hoseok returns, humming under his breath.

“We’re gonna try a different massage technique now. This method will help with lubrication,” he explains evenly. “I’ll use a special vibrating tool that will massage hard to reach areas.”

“Um…” You swallow, blinking rapidly. “Okay.”

“It’s not as scary as it sounds. We’ll start off slow and I’ll gradually up the intensity once I deem you ready for the next stage. How does that sound?”

A click, followed by a low buzzing, fills the room.

You gasp when the vibrating object comes in contact with the back of your knee. Hoseok’s free hand settles on your leg - a nonverbal reminder to keep your legs wide open for him as well as the cameras.

“See? Nice and easy. Nothing to be scared of.”

He rotates the tool in slow, even circles. You force yourself to relax and accept the foreign massage, disregarding how strange it feels to have small vibrations travel up and down your leg. After a few minutes of him repeating the same motions on your other leg, he slowly makes his way up your thighs, the rounded tip of the tool dangerously close to your drenched pussy.

A pleading whine reverberates in your chest. The electric whirring of the vibrator is not enough to soothe the burning between your thighs. If anything, it makes it worse. You need more, you think urgently.

Hoseok moves to the side of the table so that the cameras can get an unobstructed view of your clenching hole. It’s the first time you’ve seen his face since he made you lie down. From his voice alone, it’s impossible to tell how affected he is. More than once you’d caught yourself wondering… Does he like what he sees? Is he enjoying himself?

A dark streak of satisfaction crosses over you when you notice the hunger in his gaze, his pupils blown so wide his brown eyes look black. Drool pools in your mouth when you spot the sizable tent in his scrubs.

The fact that you’re at the perfect height to suck his dick doesn’t slip by you. He could flip you over onto your back, your head hanging off the table, and use your mouth to his heart’s content. You whimper at the thought of him fucking your face, your mouth reduced to a fleshlight for him to get off. You could probably cum like that - his cock buried deep in your throat, his fingers pressed against the side of your neck to you struggle around his length, while his other hand reaches down to grab at your breast, using it as an anchor to fuck into you harder.

“Shit, you’re really making a mess of my work table.”

Hoseok’s gaze is trained between your legs. He wets his lips and adjusts his hold on the vibrator. The sudden movement changes the angle, positioning the tool right over your dripping entrance, closer than ever to your swollen clit. The vibrations suddenly feel louder and stronger than before. If this keeps up, you reckon that it won’t be long before you’re hurtling towards the edge of a precipice.

A moan slips past your parted lips, loud and wanton. Embarrassed by the sheer need that colors your voice, you quickly shut your mouth closed, hoping that your desperation goes by unnoticed.

Hoseok chuckles, the sound sharp and mean. He comments on your obscene behavior, how you’re acting so slutty it’s a wonder you’d kept this side of you locked away for this long without people suspecting your love for cock. Every word infiltrates your mind, leaves no corners untainted, until all you can think and breathe and smell is him.

“Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of sluts parade in here and pay for my time,” he says, his dulcet tone making the degradation sweeter. You hang onto each and every word, letting yourself fall deeper into a haze of arousal and submission. “But it’s been a while since someone like you showed up. Just look at this… Your little fuck-hole can’t even take a bit of teasing without getting me dirty.”

The buzzing between your thighs switches back and forth between strong pulses and rapid, little vibrations. You keen, shaking from head to toe in pleasure. Your thighs are wet, sticky with your juices, and your clit is hard and aching for attention.

You don’t even want to know what state your sopping pussy is in. Every time your body jerks and trembles, you feel the pool of arousal that’s gathered underneath you. It’s - embarrassing. That you’re this soaked and close to cumming when he hasn’t even touched your clit or fucked you with his cock.  

In the midst of your pleasure-induced haze, your eyes meet his. The lines of his face are drawn into a smug expression, his gaze smoldering. Embers of arousal light up his dark eyes, and you can only stare back at him, clit throbbing, as he ups the intensity of the vibrations.

“Fuck! Oh God, oh I’m-” Your legs thrash, hips lifting off the table in an effort to escape the shocks of pleasure zapping throughout your body. Mercifully - or not, depending on how you looked at it - Hoseok brought the vibrations down a few settings, until the whirring had quieted down to a low thrum.

“Feeling good, huh?” The grin he sends your way is positively wicked. “I think you’re ready to take more.”

More? you think weakly. Any more and you’ll explode, like popcorn kernels in a microwave.

For a second you think he’ll bring the vibrator up to your clit. Maybe even slide the long, phallic-shaped vibrator inside your pussy so that it’ll stretch you out like he’d promised. What you don’t expect is for him to bring it down to your other hole, the powerful vibrations rattling you to the core.

Your surprised gasp is so loud, not even the buzzing of the toy drowns it out. Hoseok places his available hand on your left hip and pins you to the table, the gentle weight keeping you steady.

“That’s right,” he soothes, voice smooth like silk. It sounds patronizing, almost like he’s calming down a dog startled by thunder or explaining right from wrong to a small child.

“Um.” You let trepidation inch its way into your voice. “You - what are you doing? That’s not - that’s dirty.”

“What is?”

“My,” you pause, humiliation coiling tightly around your spine. Hoseok presses the toy harder around your rim, its coat of arousal making the tip slide over your sensitive skin. You’re tempted not to answer but you know Hoseok wants you to voice the dirty words. “My asshole. It’s - dirty. Please - I… I don’t think you should touch it. It’s not right.”

You mumble the end of your sentence like you’re embarrassed to say such a scandalous thing out loud.

Hoseok laughs, sounding both mocking and endeared. “Oh, sweetheart. Didn’t you hear what I said earlier? I’m going to loosen up all your holes. Because that’s what you’ve always wanted deep down, isn’t it? To service cock. Even if it means letting me play with this dirty hole of yours.”

The vibrations intensify with the click of a button. Your whole body spasms, limbs flailing pathetically as the sensations run down your back all the way to the tip of your toes.

You bite down a whimper. How does he know? How can he tell? All you want right now is a nice, hard cock buried inside of you - and at this point you don’t care which orifice he sticks in it. You’re just so - empty. So empty it physically aches.

Hoseok dials down the intensity of the vibrator and with his free hand, squeezes a copious amount of oil onto the toy, slicking it up.

Surprisingly he doesn’t bother prepping you with his fingers before easing the toy into your back entrance. From your position, you can’t tell if Director Ryu signaled to hurry things along or if his own impatience played a part. Either way, your sharp intake of breath is genuine.

You try your best to relax your muscles but the toy is thicker than expected, its sides bumpy and ribbed. Even though you’d stretched yourself out beforehand with a sizable dildo, the girth of the toy still makes your breath hitch. Your bottom lip hurts as you scrape your teeth over it.

“Relax for me. That’s it.” Hoseok whispers soft words of encouragement. “You’re doing such a good job.”

Finally, after what seems like light years, the toy is fully inserted, only the base of it peeking out from between your parted cheeks. You feel full, deliciously so. It’s only now with the weight of the toy inside of you that you realize how much you’d missed being stuffed to the brim.

“There you go.” Hoseok smacks your right ass cheek hard enough for the sting to go straight to your clit. “How does that feel?”

“Full.” You smack your lips together. Eloquence is not your strongest suit in the present moment and your lack of coherency only humiliates you further. It’s like he’s rendered you cock-dumb. Reduced you to a lust-driven creature that only has dick on the brain. “I feel good.”

“Of course you’d enjoy that.” The cockiness in his voice is undeniable, like he’s drunk off the power he has over you. “Needy sluts like you only care about getting filled up, huh?”

It sounds like a rhetorical question but you answer it anyway, just in case he wanted an answer.

“Yes! I’m a needy slut. Please - could you…?” You wriggle your hips, trying to entice him into action. The rocking motion jostles the toy nestled inside of you, causing you to choke out a moan. “Hng! Use my pussy this time, please?”

Hoseok clucks his tongue and slaps your ass again to keep you still. It moves the lodged vibrator, knocking it against a spot inside of you that makes you gush. Your pussy clenches up in an imitation of an orgasm - but you know from experience that you haven’t cum just yet.

Fuck. You’re so fucked and he hasn’t even given you his cock.

Your head thumps down against the table as you take in deep, steadying breaths. You can’t think straight; every thought seems clouded by a dense smog of lust. Your body feels like a live wire, all your nerve endings crackling with electricity. How much more can you endure before you shatter beyond repair?

Hoseok takes pity on you. “The vibrating massage should have helped your muscles relax. Your tight cunt should be able to fit this in by now.”

He slides another silicone toy into your pussy, this one wider and longer than the first. Your hands grapple for purchase as your body accommodates both toys, one in each hole. You’re so wet that there’s no resistance despite its impressive size and you suck in a breath as Hoseok keeps pushing it in, inch by interminable inch.

If you thought you felt full before, it’s nothing compared to how stretched you feel now. The wall separating the two toys is stretched thin and when you tense your abdomen, you can feel both of them nudge against one another. Your stomach feels - bloated. As if there’s a bulge where the toys are nestled deep inside of you.

It’s quite frankly obscene.

You’ve never felt more turned on.

“Whoa.” He grips both of your legs and widens them even further, displaying your stuffed holes for the cameras. “Your hungry cunt ate up my biggest dildo like it was nothing.”

The fact that he admitted it was a dildo - and not some vibrating tool - just adds to your mortification.

“Okay. Two holes down, one to go.”

He releases his hold on your legs and raises a brow at you. The smirk is back on his face and that, paired with the ravenous look in his eyes, makes you want to run and hide. He looks like he’s two seconds away from devouring you whole for dinner. “Why don’t you turn around for me? It wouldn’t be a full body massage if I didn’t rub down the other side, right?”

His chuckle spurs you into action. It’s not that you’re not embarrassed by the idea of baring yourself completely for him like some sort of cult offering, but the need to get dicked down trumps all.

Your mind feels fuzzy and your body sluggish. There’s a fire inside of you that not even double penetration has managed to extinguish and it roars to life as you manœuvre into the position he’s ordered you to get into. The toys jostle inside of you, reminding you of the depraved lengths you’d go to because you’re starving for cock.

He’s right about you, you think as you settle onto your back. You’re a needy slut. All you want is for your holes to be filled. And when they’re empty, your body aches with the need to fill them back up again. Toys will do but they’re a poor substitute for what you really want.

Thankfully, Hoseok’s own patience is running out. You’ve barely gotten into a comfortable position when he’s fishing out his cock from his scrubs, not even bothering to remove his clothes.

Drool pools into your mouth at the sight. He’s just as long as you remembered him to be. Not too thick or veiny, but prettily flushed and glistening with translucent precum. How long has he been hard? The erection looks painful. Distantly, you’re comforted by the knowledge that you haven’t been the only one suffering from this prolonged foreplay. God is fair, you rejoice internally. 

Your mouth opens of its own accord and your tongue lolls out, hungry.

Hoseok doesn’t comment on your pathetic state -  a testament to how worked up he probably is. He guides his cock into your waiting mouth with barely repressed urgency.

His cock is heavy on your tongue, the perfect weight. He pushes in until he can’t go any further, the position you’re in giving him better access to your throat. You fucking love it.

When you swallow around his length, he hisses between his teeth. “Shit.”

He gives you little time to adjust. As soon as he’s certain you can take it, he starts to thrust his hips. His cock drags across the rough surface of your tongue as it’s pushed and pulled out of your mouth at a rapid pace. Each thrust of his hips makes you gag, drool running down the sides of your face, and the obscene sounds of your choking echo in your ears.

The rough treatment should revolt you, make you squirm or shy away, but you’ve never felt more alive. Your mind feels pleasantly blank - like your sole purpose in life is to be a glorified cum bucket, a receptacle for his cock and cum. Even when he buries himself all the way to the hilt, so far down your throat it feels like he’s reached your stomach, you’re eager for more. Logically speaking you don’t even know if you can handle more, don’t have the mental faculty to figure out if more is physically possible, but your body knows that it’ll never be sated, not fully, not until he cums inside you.

“Greedy girl,” he rasps between heavy breaths. “Look at you… I’ve plugged up three of your holes but you’re still gagging for it, aren’t you? Filthy slut.”

His words are meant to degrade and humiliate you. Instead of disgust, you can hear the admiration ring in his voice. His awe satisfies you and you hollow your cheeks, suctioning around his girth just to hear him curse under his breath. You live for the way his hips stutter and how his deep breathing is interspersed by the occasional grunt or moan. It feels good to know that you’re bringing him pleasure, that your hole is satisfactory.

Hoseok reaches over your body and grabs something from the discarded cardboard box you can’t see. You soon find out what it is though - the oil is drizzled over your torso and chest, liquid spilling down the sides of your body. He throws the bottle to the side, more interested in spreading the lubricant over your tits until they’re slick and shiny.

It soon becomes clear that he’s abandoned his earlier massage techniques in favor of a more rushed treatment. Gone is the slow build-up. He rubs your breasts, grabbing and squeezing them like stress balls, and pinches your hard nipples tightly between his fingers, pulling them out until your back arches.

The next time he slams his erect length into your mouth, your breasts bounce from the force of the thrust. Hoseok’s eyes remain transfixed on the lewd way your breasts jiggle; because he keeps your nipples clamped tightly between his fingers, your tits have no other choice but to swing around every time he rocks his hips back and forth.

Every time you gag and choke on his cock, tears prickling your eyes, you feel the fire between your legs grow stronger. Shame and arousal course through you, your head dizzy with lust. You can’t move, can’t scream, all of your moans of pleasure muffled by the cock buried in your throat.

He laughs derisively, pulling out after a particularly hard thrust. A string of saliva connects your mouth to his cock and your eyes zero in on it, finding it impossible to look away.

“You slut.”

He makes a disapproving noise low in his throat before slapping you across the face with his cock.

It doesn’t hurt anywhere as much as a real slap but it’s so unexpected you gasp, your jaw throbbing in pain. The imprint of his cock is wet and dirty against your cheek. He keeps his cock hanging a few centimeters above your face. It taunts you, beckons you closer. The seam of your mouth stays wide open, your appetite evidently knowing no limits.  

“Heh. You’re really something… Never seen a whore so cock-hungry in my life. And trust me when I say I’ve seen plenty.” He sneers, walking away.

For a long second, you fear he’s gone and left you high and dry and that the scene will end like that. Except - no. He’s positioned himself at the other side of the massage table. You shudder as you realize that can only mean one thing : he’s going to grant you the fucking your body craves. 

Hoseok’s lips twitch into a knowing half-smile. He grips his stiff cock in one hand, the length of it soaked with your spit and precum.

You gulp, suddenly intimidated. Perhaps it’s the angle, but he looks taller than you remember him to be, bigger, his shoulders slightly broader. His cock looks more imposing, too. Despite just having choked on it, it’s long; his hand sits loosely at the base of his cock, leaving a few good inches poking out of his fist. Your mouth goes dry, your insatiable hunger reawakened. 

The impatience marring your features is probably disgustingly obvious because Hoseok makes another comment about how desperate and pathetic you look once you’re deprived of cock.

Using his left hand, he slowly removes the toy from your ass. The slide is painful because you’re clenching so hard down on it, unwilling for your hole to become empty once again.

A whimper escapes your parted lips. Hoseok laughs at the betrayed look that crosses your face at the loss of the thick dildo.

“So fuckin’ greedy.” He slaps your entrance with his cock, his grin wolfish as you wail in reply. “Stay still if you want my cock.”

Immediately you freeze, taking his words to heart. Deep down, you know that he won’t be that cruel but you’re so exhausted from the never-ending teasing, that you’re not willing to take any chances.

Hoseok holds up one of your legs and pushes it over his shoulder.

“Good girl.” He breaches your ass, both of you moaning as his cock works its way inside of you. It’s a tight fit; you can feel his cock bump into the vibrating dildo in your pussy, the feeling overwhelming you. He grunts, fingertips bruising your skin as he hold back from cumming too quickly. 

His hips work up a steady rhythm, the both of you already so close to finishing. You know that a lesser man would have cum ages ago, but Hoseok troops on, eyebrows creased in concentration. He looks - hot. Ridiculously hot, even in that dumb fake masseuse uniform.

His once perfectly combed hair is now disheveled, strands of hair falling over his eyes and dripping brow. There’s something about all of it - the wild glint in his eyes, the rough way he’s fucking you, the domineering aura that he exudes - that makes you absolutely lose it.

You clench up on his cock without warning, your insides squeezing around him even more tightly because of the toy still lodged in your dripping cunt. The orgasm rips through you, fast and hard, leaving your thighs soaking. Hoseok fucks you through it, his cock relentless, drawing your pleasure out until your body goes limp. 

It’s the kind of orgasm that on a normal day you could only hope to achieve.

Except Hoseok doesn’t stop to let you rest or take a breather. He brings your other leg over his shoulder, testing the limits of your flexibility, and uses the new angle to plow into you with renewed force.

“Ah - ah fuck wait!” You cry out, overwhelmed by the onslaught of sensations traveling through your body. “Oh my God, oh shit! You’re so fucking deep, ah!”

Hoseok chooses that moment to turn on the vibrating dildo. He doesn’t even start at the lowest setting, sets it straight to one of the higher level ones, and your whole body jumps. Both of you moan as the toy comes to life. The vibrations rattle your insides - and that, coupled with the fat cock that’s splitting you open relentlessly, threaten to rearrange your insides.

Arousal builds again quickly inside of you, pulsing steadily alongside your heartbeat.

You feel so fucking full you think it’s possible you’ll burst. Before, when you had both toys buried inside of you, the stretch and the fullness had been pleasant. You had even been able to tune it out for the most part once you’d got used to it.

But with the way Hoseok is now fucking into you with reckless abandon, it’s impossible not to be reminded of how stuffed your holes are. Every thrust of his cock in your ass bumps against the vibrator, pushing it harder against your bundle of nerves. 

“I knew the minute I saw you,” he growls, his pace punishing. “No bra, pussy ripe for the picking. Whores like you could never be satisfied with the beginner massage. No, I knew exactly what you needed.”

He adjusts his grip on your ankles and the change in angle keeps the vibrator pressed directly the sensitive bundle of nerves inside of you.

“Fuck! Oh God, there there! Please, keep going. It’s so good. Fuck me!” You chant, out of your mind with pleasure.Your words are raw, unrefined, and in any other circumstance, you’d laugh at how ridiculous you sound.

“You’re so fucking loud,” he hisses between grunts of pleasure. “Why don’t you go ahead and cum for me. Make yourself useful and tighten up this hole of yours so I can feel good.”

He reaches down between your legs and fiddles with the switch.

You scream. Your eyes roll back and your entire body locks up. Intense pleasure that you’ve never experienced before thunders through your body. If your previous orgasm was like a building wave crashing to the shore at long last, this one is a fucking tornado determined to rip you to pieces.

Maybe you might’ve passed out. You don’t know. But when you regain consciousness, Hoseok’s cock is pulsing jet after jet of hot cum inside of your pussy. You feel it spurt inside of you, coating your already slick walls with his essence. 

He pulls out quickly so that the camera can zoom in on the way the cum oozes out of you in thick globs. Instinctively you clench your walls to keep more from leaking out, but it only pushes more of the mess out, painting your inner thighs white.

When you glance up at him you notice his shirt is soaked. There’s a huge dark spot that starts from his chest to his pants. He doesn’t seem to mind the stain.

“You came so hard you passed out,” he informs you while tucking his spent cock back inside his scrubs. “I came inside of you while you were out of it but I figured you wouldn’t mind. That’s what you came here for, right?”

The smile he shoots your way looks more like a smirk. You bite your lip. He must’ve taken out the dildo - or it might’ve gotten pushed out during your orgasm, you don’t know - and you feel your holes gape a little after being stretched and used for so long. You’re tempted to snap your legs shut but you know the cameras need to record your debauchery.

“I’ll let you change. You can meet me out front to schedule your next appointment. Hm let’s see… Considering how well you reacted during this session I think we’ll have to take more, hm, drastic measures next time. I’m curious to see how far your greedy cunt is able to stretch with enough incentive. I’m positive that with you anything is possible. We’ll try fitting two cocks insides for starters and maybe - ah. I’m getting carried away.” He chuckles. “Anyways, meet me at the counter in ten minutes and we can go over the details then.”

“I…” You wet your lips. “I’d like that.”

A silence ensues and for a second you think your acting was bad or you’d said the wrong thing.

“CUT! And that, my friends, is what you call art!” yells Director Ryu, clapping his hands like a seal.

You breathe out a sigh of relief and sit up despite your muscles protesting loudly. God, your ass feels sore. Hoseok had really done a number on you.

“Hey, are you all good?” He asks, drawing closer to you in concern. He must have seen your grimace.

“Oh! Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for asking. It’s just - it was kind of intense. In a good way! I’ll probably be sore later but that’s because I’m not used to these kind of scenes yet.”

“You were really hot. I couldn’t tell this was your first anal scene at all.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Really.” Hoseok sighs dreamily. “I think I saw Jesus when I came.”

“What?” You bring a hand to your mouth to muffle your laughter. “It was a good nut, I take it?”

“The best.” He looks over at you, dimples on his cheek as he returns your smile. “I blacked out for a second and went to heaven.”

You bask in the afterglow for a few minutes longer than you usually would. Hoseok makes no move to leave either, even if logic dictates that you’re both better off washing up instead of letting the mixture of sweat, cum, and oil dry on your skin. You know from experience that it’s hard as fuck to clean up once it hardens - not to mention it stinks.

“Babe!”

You’re roused from your peaceful state of mind as your boyfriend approaches. He’s smiling but one side of his mouth looks stiff. He hands you a towel, eyes trailing down your figure, and suddenly you feel self-conscious. You hurriedly wrap the fluffy material around you, eager to hide the cum still dripping out of your swollen cunt and the red marks littered over your body from Hoseok’s rough treatment.

It’s not - you’re not ashamed. You never are. It’s just - you don’t want to hurt Jimin. Even if it does come with the job, it can’t be easy for him to see his girlfriend getting fucked by someone else.

“That was so good! You did great. The camera really loves you. I can’t wait to see how the final cut turns out,” Jimin compliments and you preen despite yourself, conditioned to suck up praise. “Are you hungry?”

Just on cue your stomach lets out a grumble.

Jimin’s eyes crease into crescents as he smiles. “I knew it. You’re always famished after a scene. It’s a good thing I booked a reservation at our favorite restaurant, right?”

You nod, thankful yet again that you have such a caring and thoughtful boyfriend. “I’m famished now that you mention it.”

Hoseok observes the exchange silently and his presence makes you embarrassed for some reason. Maybe not embarrassed but - something. You can’t put a name to the emotion.

“Um, I’ll see you around?” You say as you gather to your feet. Jimin is instantly by your side, his hand wrapping around yours tightly. “It was nice working with you again! Thank you for your hard work.”

Hoseok’s lips quirk into a half-smile. He’s still eyeing the both of you in a strange, intense kind of way and the scrutiny makes you fidgety. You try not to make your desire to flee the scene too transparent.

“It’s always a pleasure. I look forward to working with you again.”

The words he utters are tactful and diplomatic - nothing like the carefree familiarity he’d showcased minutes prior. You don’t blame him, given the circumstances.

You shoot him an apologetic look as you turn away to leave. To your relief, Hoseok doesn’t appear dejected or offended. Just - curious, maybe? Pensive? Like he’s in the middle of solving a complicated and intricate puzzle and that puzzle involves you.

The idea scares you. Mostly because you yourself don’t know what he’ll find.

As soon as you’ve rounded the corner, Jimin excuses himself. “I have to finish helping the guys. There’s still some equipment to put away. But we’ll meet out in the back like last time?”

“Sure.”

He kisses your cheek and scampers away.

Seokjin is waiting for you in the next room over. He’s holding a water bottle, your favorite silk robe, and a dark chocolate energy bar. You’re so sweaty that it feels silly to wear the robe but you shrug it on anyway, knowing that Jimin will feel better if you’re not parading around the set naked.

Your stomach rumbles loudly and it’s only then that you realize the extent of how fucking hungry you are. Non-stop sex sure is tiring, you note while ripping open the energy bar with your teeth. Seokjin calls you a savage under his breath but those types of comments are so commonplace that it’s easy to tune him out.

“God, I could kiss you right now,” you say after swallowing down a mouthful of granola. After eating spinach exclusively for the past three days, the sweetness on your tongue tastes like a slice of heaven.

“Not with that mouth, you won’t.” Seokjin narrows his eyes. “I know where it’s been.”

Still high from your mind-shattering orgasm, you giggle and pretend to kiss him just to watch him squirm. It’s not until much later, after you’d washed up as best you could with the help of baby wipes, that you check your phone. You respond to a text or two before finally checking your social media page out of habit more so than anything else.

.

(2) new notifications

JHOPE94 has followed you!

JHOPE94 has mentioned you in their story.

.

It’s the same account Hoseok had shown you earlier in the day. You follow him without much thought, grinning to yourself when you read his bio “hope on streets and in the sheets ;)”, and click on his Instagram story.

You’re surprised to learn he’s one of those people who uploads multiple pictures about just about anything - his Starbucks’ coffee cup with JAY written in black sharpie, several mirror selfies, a snapshot of his shoes, pictures of the film crew setting up the scene. You click through the pictures, a little flummoxed by the random collage, and pause when you get to the picture you’d been tagged in.

It’s you. Squinting, you realize that he must have taken the candid picture in passing. You’re sitting in the hair and makeup chair, the makeup artist applying a layer of gloss on your lips. The row of lights that border all around the vanity mirror give your figure a halo spotlight effect.

JHOPE94 : not in heaven but i saw an angel today :))

.

.

[dmc-tings]

DMC Gang Teaching their s/o how to drive

Dante

Uh, yeah he knows how to drive

But... he's not the best teacher

Usually ends up asleep in the back

Cause he trusts you to figure it out

One day though, damn near changed his life

You smashed into a newspaper stand

The impact woke him from his nap

You were holding on to the steering wheel for dear life

Tears welled up in your eyes and he immediately pulled you into his lap

Kicking the door open, hauling both of you out of Morrison's now wrecked car

Dante was more concerned about you

You still hadn't said anything, just letting tears fall down your face

He checked you over, he was silent as well

Pissed at himself for letting his negligence, almost get you killed

The cops showed up, after a kind soul called them

An ambulance got to the scene and checked the pair of you over

While the paramedics looked you over, Dante called Vergil and Nero

The pair made it to the scene in Nico's van

But it wasn't just the two of them, the whole crew came

Kyrie and Lady rushed to your side, Lady shoving the paramedics and cops away from you

Kyrie got you talking, letting you weep onto her shoulder

Dante got a scolding from Vergil and Trish

Something along the lines of, "How could you be so wreckless." And "You knew that was dangerous, Dante."

He wasn't listening tho, he watched you cry into Kyrie's arms, while Lady rubbed your back comfortingly

Once the scene cleared out, it was just you and the crew

Oh! And a confused and angry Morrison

"How the hell.... Dante, you know your paying for this."

Your half-devil finally made his way to you, for once (and during this whole thing) speechless

His head hung, he didn't need Vergil, Trish or Lady to scold him

He was beating himself up over this

You looked up from Kyrie and Lady, throwing yourself into his arms

Crying out "I'm sorry's" and "I should have been more careful's"

He shushed you, burying his face in your shoulder, "Im sorry. I should have been paying more attention."

He silently cried into your neck

After that day, Dante took more care in paying more attention to your driving

Once you got your license though, he still took naps

Or so you thought

The devil man would only be resting

Peeking at you every so often

Vergil

You stood awkwardly in the archway of your shared bedroom

Vergil giving you a (visibly) shocked look

You wanted him to what?

"Verg? Did you hear me?" You shuffled your feet abit, again

He blinked at you

Dumbfounded, flabbergasted, and down right appalled

"You.. You want me to..."

You looked away, abit ashamed

But to your defense, you could and had always walked everywhere in Red Grave

You really didn't need to drive, unless you went to the beach or somewhere out of town

But.... Vergil didn't know how to drive either, he had spent the last 20 something years in hell

And the last thing he thought he would ever be asked to do or teach was FUCKING DRIVE

He shook his head, not saying anything to you

You bit your lip and looked away from him

You misunderstood his head shaking

Then his face flushed, letting out a grumble

"I dont know how to drive."

And in his defense, he just teleports or opens a portal to where he wants to go

You straightened up, "Wh-what?"

Great, you were back at square one

Vergil gave a small cough, "Why do you need to learn how to drive?"

You looked at your feet, "I just wanted to learn..."

In all honesty, Nero had teased you about being an adult, and not knowing how to drive

It made you feel low

Vergil gave a huff, noticing your hesitation

"Who." He stood up

You looked at him, "Ver-"

"Was it Dante? No... he barely knows how to drive..." his eyes flashed

You grabbed his arm, but it didn't stop him

He slashed open a portal, right into the shop

"Who teased (him/her)." It wasn't a question, a demand for the person who insulted his sweetheart

"Vergil. Please stop..."

Everyone in the shop looked at Nero, who had his headphones in

Vergil let out a growl and pushed you behind him

"Teach them how to drive!" He snarled, slicing the headphones off of his son's head

Nero shot up and got ready to fight back, but stopped when he realized what was happening

"Uh... sure... i-"

"Both of us."

Dante burst onto laughter, realizing what Vergil was getting at

Nero looked at Nico, "uh... can we-"

"Oh hell nah!"

At a loss Nero looked at you and his dad

"Well.... uh... i-"

Vergil scoffed, throwing a few summoned swords at his cackling brother

Then he pulled you close, "Tease them about not knowing how to drive again, and you'll feel my wrath."

He took you back home

After setting you on your feet and giving you a kiss on the forehead, he returned to his reading

"So..."

"You have me. No need to drive."

And that was the end of that

Nero

Nero sat in the van in the driver's seat

You in his lap

You insisted that he sit in the passenger seat

But the part-devil placed you in his lap

Now he was scratching his head

"Nero?" You looked at him with big puppy dog eyes

He looked down at you, "Yeah?"

"Do you know what your do-"

Nero waved his gauntlet clad hand

"Of course, I got this."

He, poorly, started to explain the gears, buttons and switches in front of you

"Aight. So. You got the gear shift, I think it's a stick. And the... uh... windshield wipers. And the lights in front, and the brights..."

'Oof,' you thought, 'I could have just asked Dante... and got just about the same experience.'

You drummed your fingertips on the steering wheel

Finally, tired of your boyfriend droning on, you turned the key and started the van

Nero jumped, then patted you on the head, pointing at the 3 pedals at your guys feet

"Well since your in my lap, I'll work the pedals. Just tell me when to speed up and slow down. Ok?"

You nodded, "Alright! Nice and slow though."

From here, using team work, you and Nero made your way around the block

Slow and steady

Then Nero hit the breaks a bit too hard

You nailing your forehead on the steering wheel

"Shit! Nero!" You leaned back rubbing your sore head

"S-sorry! There was a old lady crossing the street..." he mumbled

Then leaned forward a bit, examining your forehead

He sucked his teeth, "Shiiiiit. That looks bad babe...."

"No shit." You barked

You felt your boyfriend flinch at your tone

After the pain passed you patted him on the arm, that was wrapped around you

"Its ok. Good thing you stopped though." You pointed at the old lady still trying to cross the street

Nero nodded, grunting with agreement

"I... I think thats enough driving for the day."

Nero gave another nod, letting you crawl into the passenger seat

He made way back to the garage/shop

Once parked he looked at you

And you gave him a smile

"Thanks. That was pretty fun!"

Nero gave a small laugh, "I suppose it was, save for you bashing your skull on the wheel."

You huffed, poking out your lip, "Not entirely my fault."

V

(Yes, I include him, cause some people like him. And personally I like his character as well)

You and V were cuddling in the living room of your apartment

You leaned into his chest, watching tv, as he read from his book and gently running a hand through your hair

"V." You spoke lifting your head

He gave an acknowledging hum, looking to you from his book

"Can you teach me how to drive?"

He looked at you, his mind drawing a blank

As Vergil, he never drove, hell they barely walked

"Love, I've never driven.... Ever." He told you gently

You looked forward at his chest, searching your mind, trying to figure out who you could ask to teach you how to drive

V cocked his head at you, wondering what was going through your mind

You looked up, eyes shining, "we could learn together! There's plenty of books on driving!"

V's eyes lit up as well, your excitement fueling his

"Oh? Where to we begin then?"

You both sat up, you grabbing your phone and V sitting up with you

"Well the DMV would be a good start. They can give us all the info to study."

"There's a written test?" V asked, he knew he could pass that

You nodded, not looking up from your phone"Yes. And there is a driving segment as well."

V froze and looked down at you, but seeing you so excited, he didn't want to ruin your fun

Later you both got everything from the DMV

And at V's insistence, the library as well

You both spent weeks reading and learning

Even convincing Nico to let you practice and take the driving part of the test, using her van

Eventually when it was time for the tests, you both where prepared

You passed them with flying colors

Ignoring the dangerous tips Nico gave you

When it was V's turn, he passed the written exam

But hesitated when it was time to get into the van

He stood at the driver's door, hand on it

You walked to his side, gently putting your hand in his

"V? You can do it. Just don't think too hard about it."

He looked at you to speak, but you cut him off, sealing his lips with a kiss

Happy, he climbed in

You sat alone in the DMV, anxious

He came back with the instructor minutes later, beaming proudly

"You were correct, my dear. I didn't overthink."

He pulled you into a hug, after you both got your licenses

[capricores]

🔥 MARS RETROGRADE GUIDE 🔥

— BASICS/FAQ.

what is a retrograde? a retrograde, put simply, is when a planet appears to be spinning backwards in the sky. during the times of retrograde, the energy of a planet is turned inwards. retrogrades are not usually the best time to try activating the energy of that planet. you may feel blocked, held back, or stressed around the themes relating to that planet. it will be a very internal time for that energy in your chart; wherever said planet is (as well as the planets it strongly aspects), will be pushed into introspective mode by the retrograde planet. consider the word retrograde itself; it is a time to reflect, review, reinvent, repurpose, etc. generally not the best time for starting new things, initiation, and so forth; but it is possible.

what does mars represent? a lot of people make the mistake of just associating mars with sex and lust. and although, sure, it does connect to that; it’s so much more. mars is about our motivation, it’s our energy, our pursuit of our passions and desires, drive, aggression, confrontation styles, self-expression, confidence, etc.

does it affect me differently if my natal mars is retrograde? some people believe retrograde transits affect those with natal retrograde less strongly. personally, i haven’t really noticed that entirely. i have natal saturn retrograde, and i actually usually feel ease when saturn transits retrograde; it’s like my saturn becomes “normal”. however, i have friends with natal retrograde planets who feel no ease during transit retrogrades. so again, i think it’s very dependent on your entire chart and the aspects of the planets currently. even i had quite a difficult time during the last saturn retrograde and did not feel any sort of ease. this time could be slightly easier because you’re used to having mars energy pushed internally, but at the same time, if it strongly aspects your natal mars (especially a conjunction - and even hitting your other planets), it might just makes things even more tense and amplified. but overall, i’d say you’re safe to read the same information on mars retrograde impacts as anyone else.

— GENERAL & WHAT TO EXPECT.

mars in aries does NOT do well in retrograde. i personally imagine those of you that have never felt too affected by a mars retrograde, will absolutely feel this one: and it will hit hard. i’m not saying this as a way to invoke fear: everything will be fine. but the energy of this retrograde is especially heavy, considering all the planets mars is currently harshly aspecting (saturn, pluto to name the standouts). the issue here is, mars & aries are both excited energies. they are bold, brash, reactive; they are initiators. they like to act before thinking. they are full of energy, passion and aggression. the retrograde is about (over)thinking before acting, slowing down, reflecting, turning inwards (mars energy likes to stay outward; noticed; loud), etc. the concept of retrograde opposes everything mars represents; especially when mars is in it’s ruling sign of aries; who greatly reflects mars’ energy.

mars rarely stations retrograde as well; usually every two and a half years (i believe), and it very rarely does so in aries. because most of us aren’t used to this planet stationing retrograde (unlike mercury, who likes to retrograde multiple times a year), it seems to just hit harder. i also want to specifically mention the fact this mars retrograde will be squaring saturn. mars square saturn is a very difficult aspect; i am someone that has this in my natal chart and it’s quite frustrating. saturn is about restriction and caution; mars is more fearlessness and recklessness. right now, it feels like saturn is holding mars’ energy back even more than the retrograde is. it’s not allowing the uninhibited expression of the mars energy. we may feel a lot of blockages in relation to the common themes shared by mars and saturn (especially career, work, pursuit of passion; as well as responsibility, control, power - authority figures, etc).

some general things to expect, regardless of your mars placement:

headaches: unfortunately; this is going to bring a lot of headaches, literal ones (although figurative ones as well). i think general body aches are going to be common due to the fact mars is aspecting so many planets. namely the saturn aspect will probably cause a lot of full body/bones/joint/muscle soreness, and probably a lot of toothaches and similar issues. i can even see abdomen/pelvic pain flaring because the pluto aspect. make sure you’re taking very good care of your health right now and see a doctor when you need to! (i’m not hugely into medical astrology, but i do notice these type of mars and saturn transits personally coinciding with an increase in headaches, toothaches, and overall soreness- for me and friends at least)

passive aggression, irritability, unnecessary hostility, arguments over pointless things, people who tend to bottle finally exploding, high tension

strong lack of energy, motivation, drive: lethargy and exhaustion are common (but again, be careful and see a doctor if these things are extreme)

tension in workplace environments; coworker disagreements, namely issues with management (power struggles)

feeling very blocked in terms of your goals; again especially in regards to work and your passions

you may also feel very blocked in relationships/pursuing relationships

likely an increased sex drive: i think all the tension and energy turning inwards is just pushing some people to maximum overload lol

confusion regarding passions/goals/relationships/etc: because we’re doing so much reflecting on mars themes, you may start doubting your wants/goals/interests/relationships/etc (depends on the transit house/aspects) as you’re thinking about them so much. it’s not inherently bad; reflection is a great thing! just be wary of overthinking. don’t be shocked as new things come to light and you start getting the urge to change paths, methods, etc

realization of mistreatment/acting on such: this is a BIG theme and i think we clearly see it in our world right now. since mars is/will be in harsh aspect to so many other planets representing power, control & authority (saturn & pluto) as well as jupiter who represents expansion, growth & excess; a lot of us are going to start setting boundaries. we’re going to be rethinking the times we’ve been mistreated, taken advantage of, the things we’ve let slide but shouldn’t have, and so forth. we’re especially noticing those abusing excess (jupiter) amounts of power (saturn/pluto/mars) both in our lives and in the world. this is THE time to start making and setting new boundaries; putting your foot down and denying those who don’t deserve your energy any sort of access to you! it may be a bit of a painful time if we’re reflecting on moments of abuse and similar; so take care of yourselves and please stay safe!

if you’re interested in what to expect/predictions based on what house(s) mars is transiting in your chart, as well as what to expect based on your natal planets that square/opposition/conjunct or quincunx mars; i’ll be making a post about such on patreon in a few days (i’ll add the link here when it’s up!). the patreon  post also includes questions to ask yourself based on where mars is transiting for you, to help with your retrograde reflection/healing/journaling/etc! 

if you’re familiar with astrology, just note the house mars is transiting through in your chart right now will show what area of your life is especially inward and lacking motivation. that’s where you’ll especially be needing to reflect on mars-related themes such as power, drive, expression, confidence, etc (same goes for the planets it is aspecting in your natal chart).

— ADVICE.

think hard before acting; don't jump into things without lots of consideration - much like venus retrograde be cautious of starting and ending relationships on impulse (end bad relationships tho pls!!! this is a great time for that!!! i just mean this in a way of like; if your significant other gets on your nerves once in a while and you wanna leave- think it over a few times; and also don’t jump into a relationship with someone you met yesterday)

don't start arguments/confrontations unless absolutely necessary (think: will this fight really benefit me, why am i REALLY upset right now, etc). i think it’s extremely important right now to make sure we aren’t bottling and exploding on people/in situations that don’t deserve it and weren’t the main cause of our frustration

exercise, stretch; do something physical to release energy from your body, if you can! mars is a very physical planet so any sort of movement can help a lot (just again be careful as always)

be gentle on yourself! it's okay if you need more rest during these times, don't be too hard on yourself for hitting roadblocks in goals - take this time to plan, think through what you really want, figure out how you’re gonna go for it and achieve this; then act after the rx or when you have more energy

start setting more boundaries; realize who does and doesn’t deserve to be in your life. realize that self-worth and how amazing you are!

ko-fi for tips 😊

[brooklynislandgirl]

Beth and UARF!Billy - ❤♡❥ღ💕💘💝💓💌💟💙💚💜💛

Heart-Eyes || -

Five A.M.

Beth’s barely awake as she comes into the office, coffee in hand, only to come face to face with the widest grin she has ever seen on Hal Gates’ face. Dark eyes dancing, he relieves her of her thermos cup, takes both her arms in his hands, and swing-dances her around the cramped space where they work.

“We’ve done it, girl!”

Though abjectly confused, Beth can’t help but grin in return. “Wha’ve we done?” She wants to be just as thrilled, wants to share in the old man’s joy. “We’ve got data on white pointer mating! I’m running the compile now, we should be able to parse it and watch the video footage within an hour or two!”

She’s floored.

The shock is clear on her face, even her mouth drops open a little. Often bandied about as the Holy Grail of marine biology, great-white mating is known to exist. Despite decades of research into the habits of the species, that particular bit of knowledge has eluded marine biologists.

“Wha...? How?”

“Mate of mine, Crawford down in New Zealand has taken a fisherman’s eye-witness account on our elusive little friends, and shared video. Crawford sent me all of the data.”

“Oh, Hal.”

Dr Gates nods at her eagerly and once again promenades her around some tables, brushing past a stack of hastily shoved aside folders with charts of migration patterns, weather reports, and feeding data. Then, far more carefully, he hands her into a seat and plops down into an office chair, slapping his knees in pleasure and pride.

“Speaking of mating rituals...”

Beth laughs but blushes at the same time, eyes askance. She suddenly knows what he’s going to ask, or at least of whom.

“...And since we have so little to do until all the research is collated and complied...”

“Must we?”

“No finer time, girl.”

She holds her hands up to stave him off until she gets up, crosses the room and takes a sip of her coffee. Not exactly how she wanted to start the day, but there’s no real reason not to humour her mentor.

“Have at, den.”

“Excellent.” Hal Gates really is an inveterate old gossip.

~*~

❤: who is more affectionate in public? in private?

Beth laughs. Okay, so this isn’t really so bad. “I t’ink I gotta say...I’m more affectionate in public. Mos’ of da time, Doctah Manderly... just doesn’t know what t’ do. Very stiff, hands in his pockets or stand at parade rest.”

The last cocktail party had been a half disaster, between trying to get William to mingle with the public attendees and not leave to check on his seals at first opportunity. The one time he surprised her was when he put a hand on the small of her back though the illusion was broken when she found that the six-foot-six man was trying to ultimately hide behind her. No amount of mock-tails were going to spare him any acute discomfort.

“Probably for da best. No offence, but he’s very definitely...ah....British.”

“None taken.” Hal offers her a wink and taps the side of his nose.

“But even behind close doors? He just... lil uptight, I guess. I sometimes wonder if mebbe he’s worried about havin’ an episode, and some affections are difficult when you have a service dog nearly t’ree-quarters ya size intent on doin’ her job, but I’d say he at least tries when it jus’ da two of us. Fingahs in my hair, brush against my arm. Da kine.”

Hal nods, knowing the specifics without having to drag them out of her.

♡: who is the bigger romantic openly? secretly?

"I t’ink,” she begins, carefully considering this one. “Dat anyone who loves da sea so much dat dey would give up a whole life to dedicate demself to it...got a big romantic soul. What is da ocean, if not love an’ life, an’ all dat we dream of in songs an’ poetry? I only t’ink it’s harder for him to express dat because well..”

She makes a dismissive gesture.

It isn’t that he grasps the concepts of language and expression, they’ve certainly entertained passionate arguments, verbal jousts that have filled the air with sign and countersign.

“Romantically speakin’ I jus’ don’ see him as da type dat I’m gonna find outside my window wi’ an ole boom box, playing In Ya Eyes by Petah Gabriel, ya know? But I also don’t believe he wouldn’t t’ink about it. So secretly? Him. Openly, me.”

❥: who is more likely to plan something big for valentine's day?

“Honestly, Hal...I’d have t’ say him. He’s a planner. Wants every detail to be perfect, will second guess himself a hundred times jus’ to make sure dere no wrinkle in the research. Me? Always been da spontaneous kine, except when it came to really wantin’ to work wit’ you.”

Hal pats her lap, his face soft.

ღ: who is more likely to initiate hand-holding in public?

“Again, it would be William. I don’ know wha’ he’s t’inkin’ a lot of da time, if he’s even aware dat I am dere sometimes. An’ I don’ really wanna make a big deal about it, don’ wanna ovahstep. For me, it’s a much more difficult proposition, is like...touch is where I’m most comfortable, outside of typing endless notes or readin’ data.”

She nods toward the words scrolling along the screen. She fully disclosed her disabilities when she applied for the position so thankfully she doesn’t have to explain now. Most of the other people at the facility don’t even really notice. Except for maybe Ben who sees too much and maybe says too little. That’s to be expected though when you gather a bunch of scientists and stick them in one beautiful place.

“You want him to initiate more, don’t you?”

“I would, yeah. But dere always more important kine and so really guess it nevah really matter.”

💕: who is more likely to make huge declarations of love in front of other people?

“Fair question an’ I guess dat would be me. We...we agreed not to make a big t’ing about any of dis, you know how quirky everyone here is, an’ in case it doesn’t work out, we don’ want da kine t’ get weird. Especially wi’ James an’ Miranda. So if somet’ing like dis were t’ happen it’s probably because he push all my buttons an’ my tempah got da best of me, right? Could see it happenin’ over breakfast. On da beach. Mebbe by da pools.”

Which is why she tries so hard to keep her passions in check. She doesn’t want to blurt out anything that can’t be taken back.

💘: who developed a crush on the other first?

“Couldn’t say,” and in those two words it is the breadth and depth of her honesty. Beth doesn’t have crushes in the same way most people do. She’s never seen anyone and instantly found herself immersed in fantasies, desires, a desperate need to be around them. She might find someone intellectually stimulating and enjoy the conversation. She might notice that something about them calls to her artist’s eye and be aesthetically pleasing in its symmetry, someone might make her laugh but she doesn’t dwell. And by the time there is the first inkling that she might want more out of a situation or relationship, she’s already become close friends. Or she watches as that object of her affection drifts beyond reach and she tells herself she’s happy because they clearly needed something more than she’s even capable of giving.

And sometimes, Beth wonders if she isn’t really broken or damaged in some way. Because she can’t even say she ever had a crush on Billy. She doesn’t know that she can say she has any expectations other than they look good together on paper, and it’s been drilled into her since birth that appearances *do* matter. “Mo’beddah you should ask him.” Gates doesn’t say anything, he only nods.

💝: who spends more time (possibly overthinking) what presents to get the other?

“William. For same-same reasons as Valentines Day, an’ da need for everyt’ing to be as exactin’ as he can make it. Like, how hard and how long it take him to find...or more likely, *breed* dem two purple neocardinas in my office?” Shrimp like the two in her tank, deliriously happy and spoiled and free of predators, are rare in size and colour, and yet… there they are. Then there’s the allegorical evidence of his severe and frothing dislike of mass consumption marketing, the complete commercialisation of every secular and religious holiday, the pastiche of feelings tacked on almost like an afterthought.

💓: who initiates most physical contact?

Beth hesitates. That’s slightly more personal than the other questions so far and truth be told she’s a little ashamed of having to answer without specific parameters. But it is a question, and she did agree to answer them with the same honesty as she offers Hal in all their other work and conversations. “I’ve always done well wi’ sensory input dat was based in kine oddah dan auditory. Smell, taste, seeing… but of alla dem, touch has always been important to me. Textures, near imperceptible data processed t’rough skin. An’ I guess dat I use dat wi’ him. Way to express ideas or sensations dat might not come across ordinarily. Enthusiasm, excitement, humour, rage, disappointment. I wan him to feel an’ understand when I don’ have da words in me, or know how to express. A lot of da time, it’s accidental or at least….subconscious.” A beat goes by. “I don’t believe he really cares much for it.”

💌: who is more likely to send cutesy texts to the other?

This one is hard for her to answer because they aren’t really cutesy text people. Most of their days are too filled with very real world drama, service to the greater good, the understanding and conservation of the most vulnerable environments and animals within. There’s weather, there’s reports, there’s an entire litany of experiences that don’t leave much time to play around until well after hours when they can finally seek well deserved liberty. However, Billy does sometimes send her pictures of the seals doing very cute seal things, or Annie shepherding him and his charges with the boss-vibes of the Queen Mother. In the end she only offers her mentor a smile and a shrug.

💟: who spends time reading their zodiac compatibilities?

“Oh absolutely I do. Find da whole pseudo-science of it fascinatin’, especially when da stars are not in da same position as dey were when it was invented an’ da psychological impact it has on our species is jus’ totally wild, you know?”

Beth knows that she’s the textbook definition of a Cancerian woman, and Billy does a good job providing a counter-argument on being a Libra. Further there’s a bit of an annoyance factor; he thinks junk science ‘belongs in the bottom of the bin with the rest of the rubbish.’ And he has a point, to some extent, even if she doesn’t agree with him. Not everything can be cold facts and numbers. Sometimes a little playfulness was in order and he absolutely needed to be reminded of that.

Hal laughs and shakes his head. “You’re going to do my chart then, aren’t you?” “Wit’out a doubt, Doctah Gates.” She wiggles her brows.

💙: who is more protective?

“I think objectively, I am. You know William’s troubles, and I have to keep them all in mind dough it’s not like he can forget dem, right? Some of his facts aren’t… I’ve consulted with some medical doctors and if we are careful, dere’s a lot he can experience dat he sees out of reach but I don’ like bringing dem up because I don’ want to agitate him. Only can lead t’ problems.” She does wish though that he’d trust her a little more, that he’d let go of some of his well deserved fears. That he’d let himself out of his shell and accept that even with limitations he can do many of the same things as the rest of the group does. But he seems content enough to hang back, ever the observer. And she doesn’t know if it’s her place to try to drag him into things though she might be better at it than anyone else. Miranda has told her as much.

💚: who tends to get sick more often? who is better at taking care of the other?

Hal’s question is really a continuation of the previous one and once again she has to call Billy out on it. Because she’s never really been sick a day in her life, not since early childhood and the culmination of that was the test bite that nearly lost her the leg she keeps tucked away, hidden out of sight whenever possible. “Dat seems a small kine ingenious, he no can help his seizure disorder. An’ I feel like he really ought to have a good psychologist. I t’ink some t’erapy would do him good. Spends too much time in his own head an’ mebbe not enough taking charge of his life. I know he can be afraid of lots of t’ings but it nevah really *has* to be dat way. But I also don’ wanna push him, for same-same reasons I mention before. You can lead a shark to chum but no can make him frenzy, know what I mean?” The analogy is silly. Billy wants so much more than what he feels he has. And a darker current in the back of her mind wonders if they would still be the same if he felt he could reasonably have them. That feels so selfish and toxic and she really has no place casting judgement on him when maybe she’s no better off than he is, only expressing it differently.

💜: who said "i love you" first? or, if neither has said it yet, who is more likely to say it first?

It’s strange how perceptive he is and goes in for the killing bite. The honest truth is that neither one has said it. And neither one likely will. Billy has layers of guilt and trauma, has beliefs that she cannot get a single foothold to try and tear apart. He doesn’t feel deserving of such a finer emotion. And Beth? She has her own reasons. She doesn’t even know if love is a thing that exists or if it’s some fairy-tale people tell themselves to make it easier to get by. She believes in affection, and she believes that people bond the same way packs and pods and herds do. But she feels the concept of love is poisonous. Ruinous in the way it can destroy someone from the inside out. And how any time she’s ever thought she’d felt it, it was ripped out from her grasp. She won’t say it. She won’t hear it.

She doesn’t answer him immediately, but instead gets up and paces away, appearing as though she’s checking on some of the cameras situated around the bay. The wall that she’d left down for Hal goes back up, slamming into place.

“Research from both psychology and neurology fields have found that there are twelve different areas of the brain that light up and work together when two people are attracted to one another, releasing chemicals like dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin and vasopression. All the symptoms people experience are simply animal-instincts provided to guarantee that we as a species survive by either wanting to mate, or flee.”

💛: who believes in soulmates?

And Gates understands he’s made an error in judgement, though he’d only been trying to be helpful in a meddling kind of way. Anyone at the facility could see that Billy and Beth were two sides of a very quirky but ultimately needed coin. That they’d both changed each other in the two years she’d been a research fellow, and how they’d both blossomed for it. Well, anyone but the two of them. And this had seemed like such a good idea at first, tied into shark mating habits which he’d hoped she’d take better than she is.

Her answers have thus far matched up quite nicely with the boy’s.

Sadly, especially this one. She doesn’t turn to look at him. “There are no such things, Doctor Gates. And even if there were, statistically it would be almost impossible to meet a soul mate. Within the same general age group there are about a half a billion potential companions all over the world. One would have to travel the entirety of the world, every remote pocket of the planet. Secondly, there’s no scientific proof that souls even exist, and enough studies across various disciplines to prove that they don’t. Believing in such nonsense only makes a person unhappy. And all that aside, most mammals are not biologically programmed for monogamy and I doubt human beings are either.” Because if they were, why would anyone leave someone they claimed to love?

[orokin-made]

1, 2, 7 and 10 for the Deadfire Ask Meme, please (Though of course you're more than welcome to just rattle them all off too if you'd like)!

Thank you! You are too generous with your enabling, really.

1.What did your Watcher make of the Deadfire Archipelago? Was it their first time there, or had they been there previously?

Elehal was born there! Though not quite in the section the game takes place in. It was kind of a shock, suddenly waking up back “home” after having been away for so long and having so much happen, but mostly he was excited to show his friends around and take them to all the cool places he knew. He spent most of the voyage from Port Maje to Neketaka talking about all the times he’d been to the city previously, and how wonderful it was, and all the things they should go see while they were there. After spending so much time exploring and learning about other people and places, it was kind of nice to be the local expert for once.

2.Did they have a favourite location?

He loves Neketaka. A big, exciting city full of exciting people and beautiful buildings, all built to his scale so he doesn’t have to bend over every time he walks through a door and the whole thing is built on top of the sprawling ruins of a different, ancient city?? It’s almost enough to make him settle down in one place for a while.

As for non-hub city locations, Motare o Kozi also has all of his favorite things all in one place: wilderness exploration, hidden ruins, mysterious machines, a connection to the Huana, just everything he could possibly want.

3.How about a favourite companion? Or a favourite NPC?

Elehal and Tekehu get on amazingly. They know all the same stories and songs, (at least the Huana ones, Elehal has a much wider knowledge of folklore/music from the rest of Eora) Tekehu is probably the best at getting Elehal to lighten up and laugh out of all the companions, and Elehal still gets to feel needed as someone to give Tekehu some direction and guidance. They have different experiences with being godlike, and that is a source of some tension between them at first, as much as Elehal tries to avoid it, but that’s a topic I'm exploring elsewhere atm.

(tbh it’s a good thing Aloth got in there first because I think Sharkboy and Lavaguy Elehal/Tekehu would simply be too powerful for the world to handle.)

4.Was there a companion or an NPC that they just couldn’t stand? What was it about them that irritated your Watcher?

Getting along with everybody -- and I do mean everybody-- is sort of Elehal’s whole thing, so people he actively dislikes are few and far between. That being said, he’s not fond of pirates or the Principi as a whole, both for the obvious reasons and just because he thinks their obnoxious and rude and kind of gross. Out of the companions Maia and Pallegina are probably the two he has the most difficult time building a relationship with, largely in part due to all three of them supporting different factions and having different visions for the future of the Deadfire. He and Maia could probably have done alright if the situation was different, bonded over a love of exploration and affectionate ribbing of her brother, but Pallegina and Elehal were rubbing each other the wrong way all the way back in the Dyrwood. I’m still trying to work out why specifically the two of them don’t get along, but I think part of it is their both so firm in their principals and values they just can’t find enough common ground when those values are in conflict with each other.  

5.Was your Watcher glad to have Eder, Aloth and Pallegina back again (if indeed they did)? Was there any other companion that they would have liked to have back in their party?

Eder and Aloth have always been important anchors for Elehal, keeping him grounded while he’s dealing with whatever Watcher nonsense he’s found himself in this time. Eder is so solid and unflappable, doesn’t complicate or overthink things, and is just all around the most reliable person Elehal knows. He trusts Aloth’s judgement and opinion more than anyone else’s, knows he doesn’t do or say things without giving them thorough consideration first and respects that. He’s also....real cute... just absolutely the most wonderful thing since sliced bread... how is he so small... a perfect man....

There’s a -- quietly -- longrunning joke between the rest of the party that Hylea and Magran got their godlikes mixed up when Elehal and Pallegina were born, which the two of them could bond over being offended by if they ever found out, but so far it hasn’t happened. Elehal felt pretty guilty for the whole mess Pallegina got into after she went back to the Republics, and really wanted to make it up to her somehow, despite their difficulties with each other. It didn’t exactly work out, but he got to apologize at least  

 6.What was your Watcher’s ship(’s) name(s)? Did they enjoy being Captain of a boat? Would they rather have been back at Caed Nua?

Yes and no. He loved being the Lord of Caed Nua, and still feels homesick for it from time to time, but having his own ship has been one of his dreams since he was a little kid watching boats come and go from his island. Ships are like castles but you don’t have to settle down in one place to live in them! Best of both worlds.

The Godhammer was a beautiful ship. Her name had earned him no shortage of incredulous and scandalized looks, and more than a few sharp words from Xoti and Edér, but he had been insistent. A private joke, of sorts. Magran had killed Eothas once before, now her chosen hounded him across the Deadfire. The goddess of trials and fire finished what she started. One way or another. 

7.Did they have a favourite quest or side quest? How about a least favourite?

Everything about the Black Isle was absolutely intolerable for him. He likes digging around for secrets as much as the next guy, but come ON. This is ridiculous. And awful.

He probably got the most satisfaction from the questline helping the roparu in the gullet, getting to just... help people without having to worry about consequences or compromising morals or anything.

8.Did your Watcher find romance, or close companionship, in the Deadfire? If so, who did they get close to, and how did that relationship develop?

While he and Aloth both had badly hidden, un-admitted to crushes on each other for the majority of their travels together in the Dyrwood, they were both also going through Some Shit and just. Not in any kind of place to be getting into a relationship. So their five years apart were difficult, but necessary, I think. Elehal is still going through Some Shit during Deadfire, but it’s less “My sense of self is being destroyed and I can’t sleep because of ghost whispers” so it doesn’t impact his personal relationships nearly as much.

Things are a little awkward in the beginning, trying to figure out if the other person still has feelings for them or if the whole thing was just, like, trauma bonding or something. But they get there eventually, and end up being very good for each other, in the end. Aloth understands how seriously Elehal takes his responsibilities and does what he can to make the burden of them lighter without downplaying the importance of what their doing, and Elehal encourages Aloth to find his own direction after having all his decisions made for him for so long, while still offering him support, and guidance if he wants it.

9.Which faction did your Watcher side with in the end, if any? Was there a particular reasoning behind their decision?

The Huana. There wasn’t really any other option for him, in the end. Letting any of the other factions set foot on Ukaizo, of all places, would have been simply unacceptable. He struggled with having to blow up the powderhouse and then lie about it, it’s not what he does, it feels wrong, but accepted it as another unfortunate but necessary action that he’ll answer for when the time comes. And, well, Onekaza is still technically his queen, and having her recognize him as Huana and earning her respect meant a great deal to him.

10.Where do you imagine your Watcher’s life takes them after the events of Deadfire?

HHHHHHHHH are we talking the depressing canon ending or the real one? Because in the real one he and Aloth take like, a year long vacation to Aedyr and spend the whole time going to libraries and museums and --safe, publicly accessible-- historical sites and Aloth finally gets to show Elehal that nice spot in the Cythwood by a waterfall. THEN they can start tackling the whole rebuilding the Wheel and hunting down the rest of the Leaden Key and all those other extremely important responsibilities.

[emmybluefire]

Epiphany

The mage’s doors slammed open with a noisy crash as they impacted the stone of her tower walls.

She knew it! She knew something was up! The world doesn’t just go quiet for no reason. The spirit realm even less so. Something was happening. Something big.

Papers and vials went clattering off of her desk, and onto the stone floor beneath them. Her enchanted books fluttered and rustled in protest, flocking off to their respective bookshelves lining the floors up above. Ignoring the minor papercuts down her forearms resulting from their decent, Emmy searched through every remaining parchment she had layed out months prior.

“Come on... where are they?” her cosmic blue eyes frantically darted around, looking for the records. The symbols she’s seen recently and drew onto paper. The notes from her personal journal on how she’s been feeling. Signs, omens... ANYTHING that could indicate what she was looking for.

One roll of parchment flew off behind her. Two... three. It wasn’t long before a newly disorganized mess of paper, crystals, dust and ink were scattered all over her bedroom floor. None of these were it!

With a frustrated hiss, she glanced off behind her, to her bedside cabinet. One of it’s dark, heavy, alderwood drawers slightly ajar...

“Come on, I didn’t put them there did I?” But yes, she remembered now! She left her sketchbook there last night after coming home because she took a moment to remake the bed. Though she never actually slept in it, her day to day habits often did rustle the sheets just a tiny bit. Especially during her... Experiments with Vidri. With a slight chuckle, she hoisted the drawer open and yanked out her sketchbook! The shear momentum from the force she exerted to do so almost forcing it to nail her in the face! But she caught it just in time. Just before it would have broken her nose.

She was beaming now, every neuron in her body firing at once, forcing her to shiver with anticipation.

Slap! Whap! The hard leather-bound cover of her sketchbook filled the room with such sounds. The rapid flitting of turning pages blew wind into her face, and filled her nose with the distinctive earthy smell of old leather and papyrus. Her fingers stopped just towards the middle of the chronicle. There she saw them. 

The skull like silhouette she saw in the fog as it passed the upper-left side of her doorframe this past hallow’s end. 

The brown and shriveled leaf that passed the exact same spot a few weeks later as it fell from the canopy of trees above. The sunlight hit it in such a manor that she could make out every single detail on it.

The way the way the clouds rolled and broke apart the moonlit rainbow that ringed White Lady during the first snowy night of the winter season. There was a short note on the side of this page: It looked like the cosmology map... until they bleed into each other.

She glanced over the next page of her sketchbook briefly, her mind drawing a blank as to why she was going this far. She was still looking for something, why wasn’t i- wait!

Abruptly she darted out of her beedroom and into her lab just a floor lower. Her enchanting table still littered with glowing dusts and smoke from incense. In it’s center was a cracked leycrystal. It’s fracture uncharacteristically uniform to what these breaks normally looked like. Dim lavender energy seeped out from the seam, Emmy’s keen eyes noticing that the light within it had dulled significantly sense she’d last seen it. The more she looked at it, the more she realized the resemblance it bore to a torn piece of cloth. 

When it cracked this morning, she was imbuing a shimmering silvery cloak with latent arcane power. She almost payed no mind to it. Duds were common in the world of enchanting reagents. That is why she always ordered extras... but for a brief moment, this particular crack stood out to her. She just figured she was running late to work today, and decided she’d look into it later. But now, she understood why.

The spirit of her twin brother Andrew didn’t make his presence known to her this past Hallows End. And while she was saddened by the event, she was more confused as to why. To her knowledge, spirits often left behind a sign for the people they were watching over when they decided to move on to the next stage of their afterlife. It was often in the form of an item that was related, and very special to them. One you could never find before, but somehow, by shear luck or a miracle, could now. Or it was in the form of a dream, a memory long suppressed of them leaving you. But not a bad memory. More... bittersweet. Or perhaps, it was something as simple as a warm embrace you felt suddenly that brought you comfort, then faded away. 

No matter how they did it, you always got a loving sense that they believed you were ready to be on your own. And they would leave you with something to remember them by.

When Emmy reflected upon it though, she’d never felt anything like that in recent months. No, instead this sense of dread had always pressed upon the back of her mind, in it’s farthest, most suppressed reaches. It was almost like... he was distant. In danger, but never able to be contacted.

For a long while though, she dismissed it as the healthy dose of paranoia she always carried around with herself to keep herself cautious. She believed she was just overthinking things, and imagining the worse case scenario when none existed. As she looked back through the journal entry’s she’d written these last few months, this theme became painfully obvious to her. This whole time, her gut was telling her something was wrong. And fuck! She was right! Of all the times she had to of been... it was now? She wished it wasn’t so. But alas! The evidence was starring her right in the face this whole time!

Andrew’s ghost didn’t move on. It was in trouble! He was trying to tell her this whole time, but her logical mind prevented her from seeing it! Why did she never listen to old superstitions as a whelpling? Why!?

Why did it have to take the words of a mysterious Kaldorei she’d never met before to make her realize this!? She remembered the conversation so vividly now...

“Do you know what her end goal is?”

“Only some... what is the word? Abstract? ...Balance is her goal. The balance between life and death. Between the elements.”

“... Has she noticed anything odd with the veil of late?”

“We have. And we seek an answer to what must be done about it.”

These words echoed in her mind dozens... if not hundreds of times.

“The balance is shifted. Death holds more domain than it should. The war is likely the culprit, but... something tickles at the edge of my senses that we can’t quite place.”

Emmy’s form went still, her muscles limp. But the shuddering did not cease. Slowly, she turned her head towards the scattered drawings and broken enchanting reagents, and began to arrange them in the form of a cosmology map. The moon picture with the note in the center. The skull to the upper left, the leaf to the bottom right. And the cracked crystal? Placed directly in the center, on top of the moon. What she saw shocked her.

The lines she drew to indicate the direction of the wind, the way she drew the fog... and the clouds around the moon, it all lined up. What she saw now, was the cloudy, silhouetted form of a small elven woman, and a large... humanoid titanic creature. The woman below the cracked crystal, the titan above. The crystal, a depiction of the veil. It was going to be torn apart. The dull, now purple, light of the leycrystal briefly illuminated the shape of the elven woman, and she realized then who it was. Sylvanas Windrunner.

Her mouth agape, she turned her head towards her journal to peer at her notes once more. She had to be missing something right!? She has to be drawing conclusions from nothing! Yes! her eyes flitted to the words within the pages. But the first words she saw: “Congratulations Emmy, you figured it out.” It was an old entry, but it was about a study her brother did. The quote she pulled directly from her bother when she wrote it...

[smnthfr]

to dean

When we met, I never really expected for you to play such a big role in my life. I never thought our friendship would blossom into something more. It was not like those romantic movies where you catch my eye or where we lock eyes and we know there’s something special there. In fact, I don’t remember remembering you. I know everyone else in your friend group but you way back before we even met as classmates. I remember hanging out with you along with our friends at the canteen and man, I really do have a soft spot for people with a great sense of humor. I began to notice you more and more until you were in all my thoughts. It’s like as if you’re a cloud smeared in all my thoughts. You’re not all that I could think of, but I cannot think without having you in my thoughts.

I did not try to make sense of what I was feeling because I was afraid I’d only end up overthinking about something that’s not there. The more I neglected those feelings, the stronger they became. One time when I came home from school, I sat down with myself and decided to deal with the overwhelming feelings I had been feeling, once and for all. All I really knew was that I liked you and I feel authentic joy when we’re together. You make me smile so effortlessly, you don’t even have to try because you just do. And what’s mesmerizing to me was that I was happy with you, as a person, and not merely by the things you do, and you did not even know about the impact you had on me. It was simple and I felt contentment just by being honest to myself about that. I did not feel like I was selfish of you, you existing in my life even just as a friend of mine was more than enough. And at that moment I thought I had it all figured out.

Then came the time when I felt like I needed to get the truth about how I truly felt about you out of my system-- in some way, somehow. I told one of my closest friends about it and she told me that it was pretty obvious and I remember her laughing at me because she actually thinks we’re a good match. Being your friend, I did not want anything to come between that because I was content and happy enough to share that relationship with you. I did not want anything to taint that and that includes me hiding anything from you. I wanted to be your best friend because you reminded me of mine and I could see you potentially becoming someone really close and important to me but never had I ever imagined that it would be more than just a friendship between us. I knew deep in my heart that I had to tell you. I wanted to be fully honest with you because I have to if I want to be best friends with you. Anyway, I did not give it so much thought. I just came to you with the truth. All my intention was for you to know that I had these feelings for you and that if that made you uncomfortable being around me, then I’m willing to take a step back until I no longer felt this way for you. I didn’t know how you’d react or if there will be any reaction, to begin with. I just thought maybe you’d laugh this off and things will go back to the way they were without having to change anything between us, or so I’d hope because the last thing I wanted was to experience some sort of awkwardness with you. I don’t remember exactly how you reacted but it did lead you opening up to me more and I was just in total shock when you told me you felt the same way for me. When you said that, I did not know what to do next or how to react. I was not expecting that from you, at all.

When I met you, I just got out of a long-term relationship and I was afraid that I was not fully healed from it yet-- afraid that I will love you with fragile fragments when you deserved to be loved wholly. I was scared that it will progress into something more and that if I had that much love in me to give out again. When you told me how you felt, I really prayed. I prayed that if you’d only bring me pain and hurt, I’d beg God to just take you away from me. I was still healing from a broken heart and I did not want to commit to something with a blurred vision. I wanted to make sure I was ready before I allowed myself to give us a chance because letting you in would only be very selfish of me if, deep down, I’m not yet really over someone else plus I was already planning for my trip to Australia when we met. I knew I won’t be with you for so long and that I’ll probably just leave you like that. I opened this up to you, too, but you still asked me out on a date anyway. I don’t think there was any harm in going out on a date with you so I gave it a chance. The moment you asked me to be your girlfriend despite me telling you the circumstances that, unfortunately, came with it, I let myself free and just fall into your arms. I just kept myself open to the possibility of our relationship ending too soon. Fast forward to when I went overseas and we were already together, I remember us trying our best to keep communicating despite the time difference. Judging by where we are now, I think our efforts have really been accounted for and have not gotten into waste.

As the years go by, I committed myself to opening up to you fully because I did not only want you to love the good parts of me but for you to accept me for being imperfect and for being human. It was scary to be vulnerable to someone all over again but I deemed you worthy to know me in ways not many people can. And if, in the end, we won’t work out, I’d still be so incredibly happy because it has been such an honor just to meet you, know you, and love you.

[kanasmusings]

[Translation] Satsuki Aoi “Reincarnation” Drama Track 2

And here’s the final track for Aoi’s “Reincarnation” drama tracks~! I hope you all had fun because this was a very cute and fun drama track to translate~!  Oh! Also, for those who asked, I think Deea will be working on the 4th Season drama tracks for Kakeru, Koi, Hajime, and Haru XD I only worked on Arata and Aoi~ And probably Ikkun, too, when his gets released www 

After this is all infinit0 subs and cast interviews~! Please get ready to know Rei and Roa more afterwards  ヽ(o＾▽＾o)ノ

※ Please don’t re-post the English translations without permission. Please just like/reblog them instead ^^

Oh! And if you can, please do consider buying the CD here to support the artists ^^

Under the cut, enjoy~! 

Track 02: [たった一人の兄として] “As your one and only older brother.”

  [0:00]

  ARATA/AOI: Hm…

ARATA: Looking at it on the tablet’s big screen…

AOI: It is, without a doubt…

ARATA/AOI: It’s Chi-chan…

ARATA/AOI: (sighs)

(Arata puts the tablet down)

ARATA: Alright, Aoi-kun. Let’s think about this positively.

ARATA: We’ve already accepted the situation.

ARATA: This time, we can deduce several things about it.

AOI: Meaning?

ARATA: First is this: The amount of uproar based on the truth that it’s just a misunderstanding of the picture in question will increase on the timeline.

AOI: Uh… I’m not too keen on having his profile exposed but… I also get where you’re coming from…

ARATA: Number two.

ARATA: That suspicion on “Satsuki Aoi’s Heart-Throbbing (Star Mark) Late Night Shopping District Date” has already been disputed by the agency itself.

ARATA: Everything’s leading to the truth and gradually, evidence will prove that we’re not lying.

AOI: I can only sense evil since you’re trying to make this into a full-blown case but… You’re right.

ARATA: Number three.

ARATA: Spring… has arrived for Chi-chan.

(Aoi buries his face on a pillow)

AOI: (muffled) That’s exactly it!!

AOI: (muffled) It’s a normal thing but I don’t know why I’m so shocked…!

AOI: (muffled) And you’re alright with this, Arata?!

ARATA: I’m actually not. I’m in extreme shock. I have proof, look.

ARATA: My eyes are so wide open.

AOI: Eh…? S-sorry, it’s hard to tell. In any case, you’re shocked, too, aren’t you…?

ARATA: Yeah.

ARATA: (sighs and then plops down on his seat)

ARATA: Thinking about it calmly… He’s been so cool for as long as I remember…

ARATA: He’s smart. He’s got a good personality…

ARATA: It’d be weirder if he didn’t have a girlfriend. I know that…

ARATA: But I’m still so shocked.

AOI: Yeah, that’s true…

AOI: I know I should probably congratulate him but I don’t know why I’m so shocked…

ARATA: This is, you know?

ARATA: It doesn’t sit well because Chi-chan doesn’t seem to be into that kind of thing.

ARATA: The impact of the “late night date” article being posted without notice is too huge.

AOI: Eh? Back in middle school and high school, I feel like I saw him with people who looked like they could be his girlfriend…

ARATA: (takes a deep breath) Really…?

AOI: Yeah… They were walking together and they were holding hands and stuff… I think that they were probably his girlfriend…?

AOI: But, that time it wasn’t really much of a shock to me…

AOI: I was only thrilled for him…

ARATA: By the way, right now, I’m really…

ARATA: I’m really a lot more shocked now.

AOI: Ah, I’m sorry somehow.

ARATA: (exasperated) Ah, forget it… For now, let’s just say I’m super shocked.

ARATA: I’m so shocked…

ARATA: Chi-chan is someone I admire, too. Though, in a different way from Hajime-san.

ARATA: And that Chi-chan is…

ARATA: Going on a “Heart Throbbing… Star Mark… Late night shopping district date…”

ARATA: Ahhhh!!!

AOI: Seeing a different side to Arata like this makes me feel kinda calmer…

ARATA: You traitor!!

AOI: In any case, sitting around here will do nothing. I’ll go call Nii-san and confirm.

ARATA: Confirm what?

ARATA: Like, the name of his girlfriend? Where they first met? (whining) I don’t want that!!

ARATA: I don’t wanna hear it. What are you gonna do if he talks of her sweetly?!

ARATA: I’ll be too shocked… I probably won’t be able to drink strawberry milk for a while, y’know?

AOI: At least, your sugar level will go down.

AOI: Alright…! I’ll go call him right away.

ARATA: Aoi-kun’s manliness is too much once he’s recovered!

AOI: (starts dialing)

(phone starts ringing)

AOI: Chi-cha—Nii-san? Um…

<——————————————————————————————————->

[04:40]

 RECEPTIONIST: Welcome! Are you here on a reservation?

AOI: We’re a group of three reserved under Tsukishiro’s name but…

RECEPTIONIST: Ah, of course! Tsukishiro-sama, was it? I just received word about it.

RECEPTIONIST: The other one is… It looks like he’s still not here, I presume?

RECEPTIONIST: Please let me introduce you two inside first.

AOI: Yes.

ARATA: Chi-chan’s not here yet?

AOI: Looks like it.

RECEPTIONIST: Welcome. Please let me handle your coats. Go ahead inside, please.

RECEPTIONIST: (to the staff inside) Reservation number 5 has arrived!

  (Arata and Aoi are walking inside)

ARATA: By the way, why was it under Tsukishiro-san’s name?

AOI: Because I asked him to make a reservation for us.

AOI: The net’s still in an uproar and I just that telling him about it before going to a bar would be a good idea.

AOI: The reservation just kinda happened while we were talking about it.

ARATA: I see. As expected from our capable manager, Tsukishiro-san.

ARATA: If it’s a shop he chose then, I’d feel safe in it.

AOI: That’s why.

RECEPTIONIST: Ah, no need to take your shoes off. It’s over here.

(The receptionist introduces them to a private room)

RECEPTIONIST: Now then, please enjoy your stay.

(The receptionist closes the sliding door behind him)

  <——————————————————————————————————->

[06:10]

  ARATA/AOI: (sighs)

ARATA: Oh yeah. Your “late night date” has stopped being the talk of the town, huh?

AOI: Why do you sound a bit disappointed? (wry laugh)

AOI: I’m glad that it died down before it turned into a bigger scandal.

ARATA: Kakerun and Yoru-Yoru uploaded a pic of you guys on that certain night so, it looks like that cleared the misunderstanding, huh?

AOI: Yup. What I was wearing and my hairstyle were completely different, too.

ARATA: Won’t it have been faster if you just uploaded a picture yourself?

AOI: I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t take pictures myself…

ARATA: Oh my, my~

AOI: (sighs)

AOI: I feel like I’m gonna be nervous about tweeting for a while.

ARATA: Don’t mind it. It’ll fall out of topic soon enough.

ARATA: That’s how rumors go.

AOI: Yeah…

AOI: SNS is fun and convenient but… It’s a bit scary, huh?

AOI: Things you didn’t even know about yourself end up being a big topic and rumors suddenly surface like what happened the other day…

ARATA: Just one mistake or one wrong impression can send comments flooding, huh.

AOI: Yeah.

AOI: I don’t know if it’s good or bad but, the rate at how fast information spreads is getting too fast, I think.

ARATA: People all over the world are connected in one click so, rumors, topics, and even comments can happen in a flash.

AOI: That sort of speed makes me feel dizzy sometimes…

ARATA: You don’t have to force yourself to catch up to it, you know? Why not just use it at your own pace?

AOI: You’re right. I know that but… It’s just, I can’t seem to…

AOI: But, you’re good at using the net in your daily life, aren’t you?

AOI: I’m so jealous.

AOI: I mean, even when I tweet normal stuff, I worry about whether I made a typo or any mistake.

AOI: Or stuff like, “is this going to be misunderstood?”

AOI: I get nervous pressing the “tweet” button every time.

ARATA: Even when just saying “Good morning?”

AOI: Even so.

ARATA: Isn’t that tiring?

AOI: I won’t call it tiring but, I’m aware that it is an irrational fear.

AOI: I want to try doing it like you, you know? With a carefree and sort of just doing it when you feel like it attitude…

ARATA: That’s how light my tweets feel…?

AOI: (chuckles) Ah, of course, not the content itself. It’s more of how you feel when you send one out.

AOI: In my case, I keep getting nervous even just thinking about what to write.

AOI: I guess I… I keep thinking about whether the people who read it will think it’s interesting… or something…?

ARATA: Aoi-kun, I think that you’re overthinking it a bit too much.

AOI: I think so, too.

ARATA:  I’ll say this again. You don’t have to think about it too much.

ARATA: There are a lot of simple things out there to say. Like, “good morning~” “good night” or even “I ate something delicious~” you know?

ARATA: Just take it easy and tweet short stuff.

AOI: Take it easy…?

ARATA: Yeah, exactly. I mean, it’s just tweeting, you know?

ARATA: You’re not particularly writing an essay or something.

AOI: You have a point…

ARATA: Plus, if you keep worrying about what you say, doesn’t your serious side just show up more?

ARATA: Then, it’ll be okay. The fans already know that about you anyway.

ARATA: I think they’d be happy just to get a glimpse of what the Prince’s daily life is like.

ARATA: You don’t have to force yourself to do it. You can run away from time to time if you find it hard to use, you know?

AOI: Yeah… Yeah. You’re right. It’s exactly as you say.

AOI: I don’t have to think too much about something good to say and um… I’ll try to use it to just greet people.

AOI: If it’s just a greeting then, I think I can do it without overthinking anything.

ARATA: Ah, greetings sound nice.

ARATA: A “good morning” for the world~ A “good afternoon” for the world.

ARATA: I feel like that’s the best way to use it, too.

AOI: So… After this is our very private “fight” that we absolutely cannot upload online…

ARATA: Ahhhh…!! (whines)

ARATA: My heart’s not ready yet.

AOI: (laughs) And here you are, acting all cool a while ago~

AOI: I wonder why you suddenly turn lame when we’re talking about Nii-san.

ARATA: I mean, you know…? I feel like I want to know about Chi-chan’s love life… but at the same time, I feel like I don’t wanna…

ARATA: I really wanna know…

AOI: Which is it, really? Ah, but, I feel like I understand how you feel…

RECEPTIONIST: (from beyond the door) Please excuse me.

(the receptionist opens the door)

RECEPTIONIST: Your other companion has arrived.

ARATA: He’s here…!

CHIHIRO: Yo, Aoi, Arata.

CHIHIRO: Long time no see.

  <——————————————————————————————————->

[11:36]

 CHIHIRO: And so, the person, no—The people I was seen with in the picture are—

ARATA: Was surprisingly my sister, Uduki Yuuka…  

CHIHIRO: Exactly. And the person here whose head was slightly pictured is Tanaka-san from across the street.

CHIHIRO: This guy whose shoulder was the only part shown is Old Man Shibata. He’s—

AOI: Ah, the people here are not passers-by but, all participants of a drinking party…?

CHIHIRO: Yeah.

ARATA: Then, all the people here were in a neighbourhood mah-jong tournament?

CHIHIRO: Exactly. Yuuka-chan tried to hunt for new mah-jong participants in her company, too.

CHIHIRO: But, they all said that they only knew how to play mah-jong on the computer.

CHIHIRO: That’s how the neighbourhood people who had experience were pulled into it.

AOI: And you were called for it, too?

CHIHIRO: Yeah, I was caught. (smiles) I got dragged into it.

AOI: I didn’t know you played mah-jong, Nii-san…

CHIHIRO: Even so, I only know a little. I only accompanied my mah-jong playing friends back in high school.

CHIHIRO: But, I’m bad at it and I’m pretty weak.

CHIHIRO: I was even worse than Yuuka-chan who only started playing today.

CHIHIRO: I was so weak that they gave me the nickname “Kamonegi”… (1)

AOI: Kamonegi…? That’s cute.

ARATA: Guess I’ll ask since we’re all here.

ARATA: Chi-chan, do you have anyone you’d go on a late night date with?

CHIHIRO: You mean a girlfriend?

CHIHIRO: Unfortunately, I don’t have any.

CHIHIRO: Right now, I’m enjoying vet school and I’m pretty busy so, I’ve got my hands full.

AOI: I see…

AOI: So everything from the beginning up until now were all misunderstandings, huh…

ARATA: What’s with this exhausting feeling?

ARATA/AOI: (sighs)

<——————————————————————————————————->

[13:50]

  AOI: Arata…

AOI: I’m equally guilty because I didn’t notice, too, but…

AOI: It’s your own sister so at least recognize what she looks like from behind, please…

ARATA: Sis changes her hairstyle a lot so I can’t tell.

ARATA: Even though I can tell if I see her up front.

AOI: Well, even I can do that.

AOI: U-um… You two… I’m sorry.

AOI: I don’t really use SNS much so I didn’t know how much of a big deal it was.

CHIHIRO: Aoi, are you okay? Did you get in trouble with the agency? Maybe I should go and tell them—

AOI: Ah, no, that’s okay. They figured out it was a misunderstanding quickly, too.

CHIHIRO: I see. Then, that’s great.

ARATA: Aoi’s panic when we first found out was quite something though.

AOI: Arata!

CHIHIRO: (chuckles)

AOI: Nii-san?

CHIHIRO: It might sound imprudent of me but, it’s rare for me to meet you two in a place outside our hometown.

CHIHIRO: I was just thinking about how happy I am.

ARATA: You’re right.

CHIHIRO: To think that I’d get to meet my younger brothers who used to wear kindergarten hats and played with mud in a bar like this~

CHIHIRO: Even though I see you often on TV, on the net, or on articles.

CHIHIRO: It would be nice if we could create an atmosphere like this where we can talk with each other directly again once in a while, huh?

AOI: Eh?

CHIHIRO: I hear a lot about you from here and there but, like what happened the other day, there are bound to be some misunderstandings.

CHIHIRO: But, there’s no warmth in something like that, right?

CHIHIRO: Being able to meet you, feel your warmth, and talk to you directly is without a doubt so much better, is what I was thinking.

(Chihiro pats Arata and Aoi’s heads)

CHIHIRO: (smiles) Are you feeling happy? Are you doing your best? Are you feeling tired?

CHIHIRO: I’m your stupidly over-concerned brother so I wish that you’d meet me sometimes and make me feel at ease.

ARATA/AOI: Chi-chan…

CHIHIRO: Aoi, and you as well, Arata. You’re always doing your best, aren’t you?

CHIHIRO: You look cool and sparkling and I’m so proud of you both.

CHIHIRO: As a fan and as your one and only older brother.

CHIHIRO: I’m always going to be cheering you on, okay?

AOI: Yeah.

ARATA: Thank you, Chi-chan.

CHIHIRO: Ah~ Tell me all about your relationships directly before they turn into a scandal, too, okay?

AOI: Chi-chan!

ARATA: (laughs)

 ==END==

<——————————————————————————————————->  

Translator’s Notes:

(1) “鴨葱/Kamonegi” is Japanese slang for someone who came to play/gamble but they’re so weak/clueless about the game that it’s like they basically came just to “say goodbye to his money” XD

If you enjoyed this, please consider buying me a ko-fi here to support my work if you want. (o^▽^o)Thank you!!

[fathertaurus]

I Want Them to Hear 🍃

from the prompt kaleigh gave me about david trying to prove he’s good in bed by fucking you loudly enough for everyone to hear. lol enjoy.

David held a strained grip on the wheel of the Tesla. You could see the hairs on his arm raised in agitation. He was silently shaking his head. Meanwhile the mockery from the boys in the backseat continued to echo around the walls of the car. You sat next to him in the passenger seat, a pitying look on your face and a hand rubbing his thigh for comfort.

It had been a few hours since you had showed up to Jason and Todd’s house, where you found out Jason was conducting a part two to his lie detector video. This time he wanted everyone who had chickened out for the last one. First Carly went, then Scott, then Suzy, then Erin, and then you. It wasn’t that bad. People asked the obvious ones:

Are you really in love with David? Yes. True.

Have you ever cheated on him? No. True.

Have you ever fantasized about anyone else in this room? No. Lie.

You rolled your eyes and admitted Corinna might have crossed your mind before you and David were together.

She stuck out her tongue at him. “That’s payback,” she smirked.

Everyone laughed, but it was no big deal. Every question passed with either the truth or a little laugh at your ashamed lying. It was going smoothly.

Until the last question, which Zane snuck in right as you thought it was over. You started to stand up and suddenly he threw in a grand finale, “Is David the best sex you’ve ever had?”

You breathed out, shocked by the last second inclusion. “Uhh yeah,” you stuttered. It wasn’t something you’d contemplated before.

“Lie,” the polygraph’s monotone operator defied you.

“What, no! I was moving. Ask me again.” You sat down and relaxed your spine, trying to keep your breathing even.

“Is David good in bed?”

“Yes.”

“Lie.”

“What the fuck?” you asked, exasperated.

“Yeah I was about to ask the same question,” David joked, a tint of hurt in his voice.

“Oh David, that’s so sad baby,” Zane teased.

“I could lend you some toys, David. There’s no shame in needing a little extra help,” Trisha suggested. She was serious and you groaned at the thought of your friends intervening in your sex life. “Right babe?”

Jason was too beside himself to respond to Trish, “Finally something David sucks at. I cannot wait to edit this vlog motherfucker. Pose for a thumbnail. And really try to work up some tears if you can.”

“He’s good!” you protested. “I’m just overthinking it and the test is reading it wrong. I swear.” No one wanted to listen. There was too much joy in watching David put his face in his hands, every camera on the room was trained on him.

Now you were riding next to him in his car, as he drove some of the gang to his house. The same strained discomfort was there in his eyes as Zane, Jonah, Todd, Heath, and Mariah tore into him. They were a group of friends always on the precipice of humiliating one another. David was often the instigator. Rarely the target. They had ammunition against him now and they weren’t about to let it go. At that moment Jonah was making some claim about how he could get any woman into bed with him —that he knew how to make them scream too. You gagged.

“Jonah you’re such a liar. Your dick is like two inches. Shut the fuck up!” David huffed.

“Yeah well at least I can satisfy a woman with my dick,” he giggled, his tongue poking out between his teeth.

It continued like that until you pulled into the driveway. The guys moved on eventually, as they made it to David’s fully stocked fridge and had their share of free Coronas. You stayed in the living room idly chatting with everyone for the next few hours, but you’d been up early that day and sleep was starting to creep in on you.

You yawned, lifting your arms over your head, “That’s it. I gotta sleep guys.”

There was a chorus of feeble protesting but you shook them off and made your way to David’s bedroom. “Goodnight,” you called behind you as you shut the door. You took off your makeup, threw on some pajamas, and brushed your teeth. As you clicked the light off in the ensuite bathroom, you heard the bedroom door open and close. A figure walked toward you in the darkness and could make out David as your eyes began to adjust.

“Hey babe—“ he cut you off by pressing his lips to yours. You leaned into his kiss, parting your lips. He was eager. You let your arms wrap around his shoulders lazily as he did most of the work, earning a moan from you. He left your lips to kiss a trail down your neck.

“What are you doing?” you asked breathlessly, as he paused to lift your shirt off. He pulled it over your head and let it fall somewhere on the floor. You stood topless before him now.

“Hmmm pretty girl,” he mused. “Want me to stop?” The words came out in a mumbled growl, as he’d returned his lips to the base of your neck. He was making his way down to your collarbone. You shook your head and added “No,” as you gulped for air. His hands gripped the sides of your waist, but as he worked he moved them to the waistband of your shorts. His lips found your breasts as his fingers breached the hem of your underwear.

“Everyone gone?” you inquired, with what little breath you could conjure.

“Nope,” he said. Smug. “I left everyone in the living room. Told them I needed to grab something from my bedroom quickly.”

His hand was still manuerving down to your slit. You were already wet, just from his hot breath all over your skin. He kissed you again as he started to rub a circular pattern over your clit. Then he reversed direction, pulled back a little, and his pointer finger found the entrance to your pussy. He started with one finger, keeping his thumb outside your body, massaging your clit. He fingered you slowly, steadily, purposefully. When he felt you start to clench around his fingers he pulled his hand away. You whimpered unintentionally, your lips vibrating against his.

“Sorry,” he laughed into the kiss. He slid his hands back down in between your thighs. He pulled them apart a bit more this time, forcing your knees to buckle a bit before you gained balance in this stance. Again he found your clit with his thumb while he slipped two fingers into you. The other hand was now gripping your ass. He got you close to your orgasm again. Your head titled back as your breath came in shallow staccatos. Then as he felt your pussy tighten, he removed his hands again.

“David! Please stop!” you whispered. You now realized he was edging you, but you couldn’t take the teasing.

“Sorry, sorry. Just lay down on the bed. I’ll take care of you in a second.” You did as he said, falling back into the soft sheets and spreading your aching legs. You watched as he slide his bottoms off, searching for a condom in his desk drawer while his free hand jerked himself off. He was hard by the time he found one and rolled it on. He found you again in the darkness and you could see his bright eyes admiring you from above. He reached out his thumb again, pulling it from your entrance to your clit in a circle. He stopped, leaned forward, and presented his thumb in front of your mouth. You sucked on it for him, trying to swipe your tongue up the side as he pulled away. You wanted him as desperate as you. It was no use.

He wrenched your legs apart, using your inner thighs to hold himself steady. Slowly, he entered you. Just the tip of his cock. He stared you down with a silent intensity that demanded you beg for it.

“Please just put it in already,” you hissed. He chuckled and eased into you once, painfully slowly so you could feel every inch, before pulling all the way out. He tapped his dick against your clit.

“Tell me. What do you want me to do?”

“Please just fuck me!” you tried to whisper, but the moment got the better of you. It came out full volume, maybe loud enough for everyone to hear. You clasped a hand over your mouth, shocked at yourself. He positioned himself at the entrance to your pussy again. You could barely keep from shouting now as you squirmed underneath him. You bucked your hips trying desperately to make contact. He smiled. Confident. He’d never made you beg like this, but he loved the power.

“I want them to hear how bad you want it.” You finally realized what he was doing. What would make him happy. He’d been working you up in the hopes you’d be more vocal than you usually were. You were typically quiet for Natalie’s sake and because you were content whispering nasty things in his ears. Just for him to hear. You were never a screamer. You could change that for him though.

“Just fuck me already!” you were nearly shouting. They heard that. That was the encouragement he needed and he slammed into you full force. He put his elbows on either side of your head so that he could pound into you as fast as possible. His eyes were closed and his face was only a few inches from yours. You loved watching the torment and pleasure play across his expression.

The bed was sturdy, but the unusual force was making it rock. The mattress careened and buckled, creaking lightly. If no one had heard your voice, they would definitely hear the movement. You moaned loudly for their benefit too.

“Your cock feels so fucking good baby.”

“Yeah, you like that?”

“Yeah. Fuck me just like that. Just like that,” you gave your best fake whine that you’d picked up from girls in porn. You bit your lip a little to keep from smiling.

“Oh fuck, I’m gonna cum,” he panted, losing stamina a bit. You wrapped your legs around his back and helped guide him in. You reached down to rub your own clit right as your skin began to tingle and your pussy clenched. Your orgasm hit you like a load of bricks. All the edging had prepared you for a massive impact. Your whole body cramped, your back left the mattress, your eyes glazed over, and you let a genuine scream escape your lips on this occasion. You could barely hear him tell you he was cumming over the ringing in your ears. He pulled out and came, falling on top of you in the process. You both breathed heavily, wet with sweat and physically exhausted.

“Do you think they heard us?” he asked, laughing.

“Yeah, I think they’ll shut up now.” You joked back.

[marias-studyblr]

hey mariaaaaa!! i love your blog! recently i’ve been struggling with my fear of failure/success which is preventing me from reaching for my goals. I overthink EVERYTHING which isn’t helping me in studies to my personal life. do you have any tips?

hellooooo!! 🌹💕 thank you so much i really appreciate it. 😊🌸

🐇 about fear of failure/success

I really relate to your message. when I’m dealing with the same concerns, this is what I do:

imagining i do fail. imagining everything goes the other way around. what would i do then? and i know this might seem unnecessary but it forces me into a rational mindset instead of a very emotional one. if I fail, what will my next step be? much of the fear we feel comes from not knowing what will happen, what we’ll do if the eventuality does come.

it serves us good to think about our future even in the prospect of failure. and also for us to understand that even if things don’t go right, we have a path too. planning and organization are what we need in times of stress and fear, to keep us grounded, to get us focused on our work habits and not so much on the end goal. take away some of the importance of the goal, to relieve some of the pressure that is suffocating you.

secondly, sometimes we make situations bigger than they actually are, especially when it comes to grades because it feels like it’s all people in a school environment care about, making us fear something that isn’t actually real. it’s not a life or death situation even if it may feel like it, and once again, there are so many paths to your future success that even if school throws you a curve ball, it is nothing that stops you from being successful in the future. nothing at all.

knowing what step to take next is really important to feel less afraid of a result. and it’s also important to know that you’re not being threatened in any way: that it’s just a grade and the fear you’re feeling can be somehow dissolved if you think about how small this event is compared to the big picture of your life. what am I afraid of exactly? 

the other thing I want to say is that no matter if we win or lose, in whatever situation, it’s important to be able to accept the circumstances of our lives that brought us to that moment and deal with our decisions and choices in the past. even if the thing that we chose to do was incredibly stupid in retrospective, we need to respect our past self.

I’ve had unfair things happen to me and I’ve made many stupid decisions in my past, but with persistence, I ended up alright and happy. and today, I am so proud of all the things that I did to better my situation and get to where I am today.

so, I believe that no matter what difficulties come our way, even if they hurt us or we were unprepared for them, or at the time we didn’t know how to react properly, both in our academic lives and in our personal lives, if we persist with hard work and determination, we will be able to reach a happier place in the future, even if we never had thought of it.

so with that in mind, it’s a lot easier for me to face stressful situations in school. the initial stress and fear are always going to come, but I can overcome it a lot more easily because (1) I know looking back at my past that even if things don’t go my way I can always find a better path and (2) it’s not half as much of a big deal than my anxiety is making it to be in my head. I can always look around and find the things that actually matter in my life.

🐇  about overthinking

I also used to overthink every little thing I said or did, so I REALLY understand you. I was always really shy throughout middle school and high school, even though I’ve always had strong opinions and with my family & close friends, I was not shy at all.

it came to a point it really stopped me from doing everyday normal things and thinking anything positive about myself. for those who don’t know what this is like, it might be a little difficult to understand how this could impact our daily lives… it’s kind of having anxiety about everything involving your person, especially social interactions. cringing over and over again from the tiniest things that happened months ago, dreading the way you talk and look, not being able to let go of mistakes, fearing talking to acquaintances/strangers, being completely destroyed by criticism, and constantly beating yourself up from the largest to the smallest things in your life. it really makes you feel isolated and lower your confidence.

only recently I started respecting myself enough and I am glad that with time I was able to become stronger. so the first thing I want to say is to be patient with yourself. trust with time, you’ll become wiser. I think it’s more of a mindset shift than anything else, and that comes with becoming wiser. you do evolve with time, which is great news! 😊 I can’t believe how far I’ve come in terms of my confidence in just a few years.

I think the cause of overthinking everything is probably some sort of emotional shock or abuse. I have an idea where mine could have come from. reflect on your childhood, middle school, even though it might stir up some emotions. the point is to understand that you don’t “just have a shy personality” or it’s not “just the way you were born” and give yourself some closure. let yourself know if you’ve been through tough stuff in your childhood, it’s ok, you’ve made it, and it doesn’t define who you are. there is always space for improvement. it doesn’t mean you’ll never be able to talk well in public, interact with strangers. I truly believe with practice anything is possible, so be patient with yourself and keep practicing your social interactions, learning how you can improve your social skills and correcting your mindset whenever you catch yourself beating yourself up. 

one mistake that I found to be more pertinent in this aspect of my mental health was thinking everyone else was so much better than me. everyone else was always right and I should try to be like them! why can’t this person like me? what should I change about myself in order for them to begin liking me?

I had such a toxic mindset it really took a heavy toll on everything in my life really, and it was very degrading and tiresome to constantly be finding non-existing flaws and comparing myself to everyone around me. the answer is simple (and what I wish I could tell my younger self): focus on yourself and not people around you… everyone comes in different shapes and forms, we all have different personalities, we come from different backgrounds. we don’t owe our lives to anyone, not your teachers, not your friends, not your classmates, not even your parents. we should rejoice in our individuality, we should feel confident in our skin. it’s YOUR skin, not the other person’s skin, it’s YOUR brain, not someone else’s.

each one of us is simply trying to make it through - everyone’s equally clueless about their lives. they are lying to you if they say otherwise. and everyone’s too focused on their mistakes to truly care about your own.

once I figured that out, things really started looking up.

slowly, I started overthinking less and less, I was much more confident. there needs to be a clear resolution in your head: you are NOT less than others. your work may not be the best but it is ENOUGH and GOOD. and “good” in the meaning of kind. kind to yourself, kind to others. and that’s where I stem my confidence from. I am good and I am enough, I have meaning and purpose.

and it really drove me to have a happy mindset, because I can do good, to myself and to others, and I will continue to work hard no matter what comes my way. I have so much in my life to be grateful for!! those things, to me, are what makes a happy life.

I was more open about who I was, gave more importance to the people who accept, love me, cherished the small (big) things that make my life good and comfortable, and less to the things that don’t actually matter in the big picture.

overthinking your everyday life to the point of self-deprecation will stop you from actually enjoying it! even if I get a bad grade, even if I have an awkward interaction, even if something difficult is going on in one of my classes, at the end of the day, no one’s died you know? I still have food and a roof over my head, my loved ones to love, my integrity and physical state. I will do better next time, and that’s that. I don’t want to reach my 60′s to start giving importance to the things that actually matter, I want to give importance to them now, while I can still cherish them.

🐇 more practical things to do

don’t isolate yourself. especially in times of fear and stress. being around people who love you will make you feel grounded. and when you are loved and respected in your close community, it will encourage you to accept yourself as well! when we are suffering, it’s easy to close ourselves and not talk about it, but being open about your struggles is exactly what will help you the most to overcome them. so talk to your closest people, eat with them, text them. let them know how you are feeling and let them support you, they will want to.

meditate and do yoga. this practice brings me a lot of serenity and peace and encourages quiet time, away from distractions. to be alone in a way that is not harmful. and from there, grow the roots to a healthy relationship with yourself. I especially recommend Yoga with Adriene, she was the one who really taught me the way of looking after myself, respecting myself as a whole.

watch ted talks! there are really good ones about public speaking, self-confidence, gratefulness, mindfulness! look them up, it really made a huge difference for me. 

journal, write, keep a diary, draw, sing, express yourself. through some tough moments of my life, writing about my feelings in a very private way, appreciating art that I felt related to me, was important to understand what I was feeling, what was happening, cope with it and try to find a way around. 

so, I hope all this made sense and helped even a little…!

I’ll repeat my first piece of advice: be patient with yourself. small changes in our mindset every day lead to big changes over the course of a year or two. overthinking about small things in our life will soon start to look pretty useless to you. :- )

YOU GOT THIS I believe in you 100%

you are doing better than you think.

⭐💛 thank you for your message, may it help others too who are going through the same 💖 let’s live our best lives please, unashamed, unapologetic!

[meggtheegg]

Wow, I did not expect you to answer my question about the Evan actor interpretations so fast! Thank you so much! You said that you could do an analysis on the actor's interpretation on Evan as a character, so I was wondering if you would be willing to do that? I'm going to New York in a few weeks (planning on seeing MLB in DEH) and I am really excited to see DEH for the first time ever!

You’re so welcome! And that’s super exciting! Seeing DEH in person is so powerful, in a way that bootlegs just can’t capture. You’re gonna love it!

And, as requested, here’s some character interpretations :D

Michael Lee Brown - As I said before, MLB’s Evan is definitely on the autism spectrum. But, he doesn’t know it. His official diagnosis seems to be anxiety, and that’s what he’s running with. But the social anxiety is a direct response to people’s actual reactions to him, not a fear of what might happen. He doesn’t really understand social norms, and the way he talks and acts seems different to others. He’s had negative experiences with people, many times before. When Zoe calls him weird and he says “I know,” it feels like an exchange that has happened a lot. Especially with a friend like Jared, who breaks apart everything he says and does, he is extremely aware of the fact that, try as he might, he doesn’t always know how to act. And all the therapy and anxiety medication isn’t helping him much, either, because neither of them are addressing the actual cause of his struggles. Because of that, he feels broken. He avoids talking to people out of fear that he’ll get it wrong, and he has this desperate need to keep everyone around him happy all the time. His worst fear is people being mad at him, and that’s a big thing that pushes him through his every decision. It’s what makes him keep the lie going, it’s what makes him send Alana the note, and noticeably, it’s what gets him to admit the reason he broke his arm. With other Evans, Mike and Alex were gentler in that scene, coaxing the truth out of him, but when it’s MLB, they both yell at him. He doesn’t like big shows of emotion, in general. Seeing Cynthia cry is almost as painful for him as being yelled at. I think his Evan is in the unfortunate situation where he’s extremely empathetic, but struggles to process and deal with emotions. As for his relationships, he sees through some of Jared’s bullshit but does believe that he doesn’t actually want to be friends. He loves his mom, but doesn’t entirely trust her. He thinks she wants to “fix” him, and resents that enough to push her away. His crush on Zoe borders on a special interest. He knows every little detail about her, and I think it’s a compulsion at this point to learn more and more. Cynthia and Larry definitely become his surrogate parents, to the point that he forgets about Connor every so often, but whenever he’s reminded of him, he looks devastated for them. Especially for Larry. Also, I don’t remember if the others do this, but he has a bit of a freudian slip during “To Break In A Glove.” Instead of immediately saying “Connor was really lucky to have a dad who cares so much about taking care of stuff,” he just says “Connor was really lucky to have a dad.” He quickly catches himself and adds the rest, but he makes that a noticeable moment. 

Colton Ryan - The first word that comes to mind with Colton’s Evan is fear. He’s a very frightened kid. Where you feel like MLB’s Evan has had a lot of negative social experience, Colton’s Evan seems to just overthink everything. His mind jumps to the worst possible outcome of every situation, and he constantly does damage control for something that may never need it. He and his mom have a better relationship in the beginning, and it only falls apart once he becomes close with the Murphys. It’s like he doesn’t notice the flaws in their relationship until he experiences a different one. The things he says when they’re fighting come across as true, but they seem to have popped into his mind in the moment, rather than being something he’s wanted to say for a long time. The biggest thing he needs is a supportive figure in his life, and that’s what the Murphys provide. He needs reassurance that he’s doing a good job. He’s a really smart, nice kid with extreme self-esteem issues. Once he gains confidence, he thrives. His crush on Zoe feels more like a typical high school crush than an obsession, and their relationship is actually pretty sweet. (Colton is the only Evan who had believable chemistry with Laura Dreyfuss, in my opinion.) In the scene before Only Us, you really feel like you’re just watching two teenagers talking to each other. But, the loss of that relationship doesn’t feel so important because most high school relationships end, and that’s exactly what they feel like. A high school relationship. Fun, but ultimately temporary. He and Jared work off of each other really well, and you feel like they’ll actually make up after the end of the show. From the start, Evan’s very aware of his bullshit, and he’s just as sarcastic back to him. Even though Jared is probably one of the biggest things tearing his confidence down, he’s also one of the only people he’s comfortable with, in the beginning. They’re both relaxed around each other, and it’s the thrill of the Connor Project that pulls him away, not a genuine belief that Jared doesn’t care if they’re friends or not.

Taylor Trensch - Where Colton is frightened and MLB is awkward, Taylor is bubbly. He is the smiliest Evan, always cheerful and thinking of the positives. You sometimes get a glimpse into the idea that it’s an act, but a lot of the time, it seems genuine. He doesn’t seem to realize that Jared’s comments are mean-spirited, or that Connor signed his name in awkwardly large letters, and he seems genuinely grateful for both. Zoe seems to intimidate him way more than Connor does (and maybe that’s what he likes about her.) Taylor’s Evan is a double-sided coin. He’s the most outwardly friendly of the Evans I’ve seen, but also the most selfish. He almost seems to be manipulating the situation with the Murphys from the beginning. The fact that Taylor plays down the anxiety so much makes his actions feel more like calculated plans than split-second decisions. Once For Forever has happened, he is all in on making the lie as convincing as possible. He seems blissfully unaware of a lot of things, dismissing Jared in Act 2 with the same big smile and cheerful tone he always has. He’s shocked whenever anyone’s mad at him, like it never crossed his mind that he wasn’t being nice. He’s also the most in denial of how he broke his arm. He’s sobbing by the end of that scene, and still doesn’t seem to have accepted it. When he tries to tell Heidi about it later, he breaks down sobbing again. This Evan is more immature than the others, and either knows exactly what he’s doing or has greatly misinterpreted what he’s doing. He’s a master at convincing himself of things that aren’t true, and it makes sense that he does the same to other people.

Roman Banks - Roman is a very shy Evan. Much like Colton, he tries to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible. He’s a genuinely sweet kid, but he really doesn’t know where he fits in. And, I think his father leaving has had the biggest impact on Roman’s Evan. If I really wanted to overanalyze things, the fact that Heidi is white and Evan isn’t adds another emotional level to that plotline. He’s missing an important figure in his life and is constantly trying to fill that void. He’s also very much a kid. He hasn’t been exposed to a lot of the world’s problems, and when he’s thrown into the spotlight, he doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. He has a desperate need to keep people from worrying about him, so he puts on a very thin mask that a lot of people don’t see through. His mom, especially, takes everything he says and does at face value, when he wishes she would look harder. With the Murphys, he feels like it’s a little safer to not be completely okay all the time, because they aren’t either. They’re grieving their child, and they are able to provide each other mutual comfort. He helps to fill the void, and they let him be a little more vulnerable. He and Zoe together are just cute. They’re kids who are smitten with each other and have no idea what to do with those feelings, and it’s kind of adorable. Roman and Mallory work together really well, and seem like genuine friends irl. He doesn’t put her on as much of a pedestal as the other Evans sometimes do. He just really, really likes her. He’s a little more awkward around Larry, because he’s not really sure what to do with a father figure. But, when he takes a moment to open up to him, there’s finally a moment of real bonding, and from that point, Larry is constantly gently reassuring him. When the truth comes out, where it usually hits hardest that things with Cynthia or Zoe have been broken, Roman’s Evan losing his bond with Larry is what stands out the most. There’s a sort of relief during the scene before So Big/So Small, because finally, for the first time, he’s vulnerable with Heidi, and she accepts him. You can see the weight that’s lifted from his shoulders, and his improvement by the orchard scene feels like it was largely because of that freedom to be open with his mom.

[peach-mangos]

My Friends Won’t Love Me Like You

☾ do kyungsoo/byun baekhyun

☾ fluff/roommates au/mutual pining/college au

☾ 2.9k

☾ a/n: based off of this prompt. title of this inspired by ed sheeran’s friends. you can read this here as well if you prefer. this isn’t my first exo fic, but it is however my first fic on this blog and also my first baeksoo heh. i hope anyone reading this enjoys it!!

A gasp slices through the silence of the dimly lit room. For a few seconds all that can be heard is heavy breathing and rustling sheets. “I overslept” Baekhyun wails, voice scratchy and panicked as he shoots up in bed, hair a tousled mess with strands sticking up in every direction. He tosses the sheets off of his body, and nearly falls face first into the carpeted floor of his bedroom. Standing on unsteady feet, he rushes towards the bathroom.

However, Baekhyun wouldn’t be Baekhyun if he didn’t somehow end up tripping over air—which, in his haste, he does. Realising he’s missed a step, he immediately prepares for impact. His eyes fall shut out of pure instinct, hands shooting out in front of him to break the fall.

The bathroom door swings open, and Kyungsoo releases a soft startled noise as he catches Baekhyun mid-fall. Recovered from the initial shock, Kyungsoo steadies Baekhyun on his feet and looks down at him waiting for him to open his eyes.

It takes Baekhyun a few seconds to realize that his body never made contact with the floor, and instead, he finds himself embraced in Kyungsoo’s strong and firm arms. He blinks up at him with wide eyes and releases a breath.

“Good morning” Kyungsoo says, tone equal parts amused and fond.

He would never admit it, but early morning Baekhyun is his favorite Baekhyun. Droopy eyed, disheveled hair and just barely awake. He always looks so soft and cozy, it warms up his insides and makes him want to—

“Shit” Baekhyun curses clutching at Kyungsoo’s nightshirt shaking them both out from their respective reveries. He whines in embarrassment and let’s his head fall forward already feeling warmth spreading across his cheeks and down his neck.

Hands still holding onto Baekhyun’s arms, Kyungsoo asks, “Are you okay?”

“I uh—yeah, sorry bout’ that” Baekhyun laughs, “not that coordinated this early in the morning”

“As opposed to any other time of day?” Kyungsoo teases eyes crinkling at the corners slightly from the smile forming on his face. He

“Ah, fuck off” Baekhyun groans rolling his eyes and shoving Kyungsoo to the side. “I’m so fucking late, it’s not even funny, so if you don’t mind”

Kyungsoo in turn releases a bright laugh as Baekhyun locks himself away in the restroom and shakes his head.

By the time Baekhyun emerges from the bathroom fresh and clean, Kyungsoo has already packed him a small lunch with last night’s leftovers. He waits till Baekhyun’s done gathering his belonging before he hands him a plastic plate with two warm pop tarts. Kyungsoo’s noticed that anytime he’s running late, Baekhyun always skips breakfast and it irritates him to no end.

“You are an angel” Baekhyun moans biting into one of the pop tarts, “Thanks, I’ll see you later okay! Have a nice day Soo!” he yells running out the door hardly giving Kyungsoo a chance to hand him his lunch.

Kyungsoo sputters indignantly and turns to stare at the food stuffed container with a pair of eating utensils propped on top of it with a slight pout.

“Byun Baekhyun” Kyungsoo sighs shaking his head.

With a quick glance at the time, he makes up his mind. He still has quite some time before he has to be at his first class—if he hurries—Kyungsoo thinks he’ll have just enough time to quickly pass by Baekhyun’s class, drop off his lunch and head straight to his own class.

Wasting no time, Kyungsoo shoots Chanyeol a quick text to let him know he won’t be able to meet him and Jongdae at the coffee shop this morning, then sets about getting ready as quickly as he can.

Forty five minutes later, Kyungsoo finds himself inside the Southern building of campus, sending off Minseok a quick text asking him to meet him him there. (Chanyeol had oh so kindly pointed out earlier that Minseok was the TA in Baekhyun’s history class—it would save him some time if Minseok did him the kind favor of handing him the packed lunch.)

“You alright there?” Minseok asks with a chuckle when a panting Kyungsoo appears before him. Kyungsoo merely flicks him off and hands him Baekhyun’s lunch while struggling to catch his breath. He leans against the nearest wall and doubles over for a few seconds before straightening up.

“Thanks hyung” he wheezes before retreating hurriedly.

“You owe me a coffee!” Minseok yells after his friend and laughs when he faintly makes out Kyungsoo throwing a thumbs up gesture.

Professor Kwon ends their lecture with a reminder of their upcoming midterm, and Baekhyun sighs. He gathers his notebook and pens and quickly stuffs them into his bag. As he makes his way towards the door, Minseok approaches him with a kind smile.

“Got something for you” he says (read: sing-songs) by way of greeting—not like there was any need for that since they’d spoken earlier that morning right before class began.

“For me?” Baekhyun frowns, his brows knitting in confusion. What could Minseok possibly have for him?

“Kyungsoo dropped this off for you earlier” Minseok tells him shoving a plastic bag into his arms, Baekhyun’s confused features quickly morph into fond and gratuitous ones, warmth blooming in his chest at Kyungsoo’s kind gesture. He happily takes the bag from Minseok’s hands, smiling softly and making a mental note to send Kyungsoo a quick thank you text.

“Thanks Min” he says looking up at his friend and slightly blushes when he catches sight of Minseok’s quirked brow and knowing smirk. Baekhyun clears his throat, clutching his lunch to his chest and nods at his friend. “So, I gotta get to class now, thanks again!” he quickly brushes past Minseok and hurries off to his next class heat still licking at his cheeks.

Chewing at his bottom lip, Baekhyun clicks his pen absentmindedly hardly paying any mind to his lecture. He slams his pen on his notebook and sighs in frustration. He mentally scolds himself for reading too much into Kyungsoo’s actions. It’s not like this is the first time he’s gone out of his way to look out for him. Still, the mere fact that Kyungsoo took the time to drop off his lunch for him all the way to this side of campus—despite having class at opposite ends of the Southern building—has his heart palpitating in his chest much too rapidly for it to be normal.

It’s just a lunch, Baekhyun thinks—why is he acting like it’s such a big deal? He lets his head fall against his desk releasing a pitiful whine, glad to be sitting towards the back of the classroom where he’s not in his professor’s direct line of sight.

There’s literally no reason for him to be overthinking things, but he can’t help it. If Baekhyun were being honest with himself (which he honestly wasn’t) he’d admit he’s hoping Kyungsoo went through all that trouble for him because—well just because.

It’s no lie he’s always been slightly attracted to Kyungsoo—okay, so slightly was putting it mildly—but Kyungsoo was a very handsome man, Baekhyun wasn’t blind for God’s sake, and from the moment he’d laid eyes on him he’d been doomed. Kyungsoo had swooped into his life—all thanks to his best friend Chanyeol—and had saved him from having to give up his newly acquired apartment when his previous roommate had decided to move in with his girlfriend, leaving him with a missing half of his rent and other shared bills.

It was within the first week that Baekhyun discovered Kyungsoo was more than a pretty face. He was very kind, funny and smart—and not to mention—he could cook as well (very deliciously to boot). On top of that, he had made Baekhyun feel comfortable around him from the get go, encouraging him to be himself without any fear of judgement from his part, and in the very early stages of their friendship, Baekhyun had developed budding feelings for his roommate.

No one could blame him.

Of course he soon realized it was a very bad idea to develop a crush on the guy he’d be living with for the next two years (as per requirement of their apartment contract)—things could get awkward real quick and he really didn’t need that.

So, Baekhyun willed his feelings away, buried them deep within him and carried on as if everything was fine. Which for the most part, it was. The problem therein lied with that just because he’d ‘willed those feelings away’ that didn’t mean said feelings didn’t sometimes rear their ugly face when Kyungsoo so much as looked at him with big soft sparkling eyes and an equally soft and warm smile.

Had Baekhyun been lucky enough to be in the private confines of his room, he’d have smacked his head against his desk repeatedly to get rid of his frivolous thoughts. Shaking his head, Baekhyun tries a little harder to pay attention to his professor rather than looking too much into this whole Kyungsoo ordeal.

It’s not like he means to, but after the lunch incident, Baekhyun starts to take notice in a lot of the things Kyungsoo does for him—and if he’s being honest, it does his foolish heart no good. Logically, he knows Kyungsoo’s just naturally a really nice guy that likes to look after his friends. Still, a small part of him is silly enough to hope that maybe somewhere deep down, Kyungsoo does these things for him because he might also feel some type of feelings (the kind that aren’t strictly platonic) towards Baekhyun.

It’s dangerous he thinks, to hope.

However, Baekhyun can’t seem to bring himself to care though as he blinks up at Kyungsoo, bleary eyed and ridden with exhaustion.

“I brought you some coffee” he tells him, his voice barely above a whisper. He sits on the chair opposite to his and slides over a paper cup his way while bringing his own up to his lips to take a sip.

“Thanks” Baekhyun croaks blinking sleepily. He brings his fists to rub at his eyes yawning a bit, then proceeds to wrap his hands around the cup of coffee reveling in its warmth. Releasing a happy sigh, Baekhyun closes his eyes and takes a careful sip of his warm beverage. “How’d you know I was here?” he asks placing his cup down in front of him—he tries really hard not to swoon at the fact that Kyungsoo seems to know his favorite drink.

“Oh you know” Kyungsoo begins placing his cup down in front of him, “I faintly remembered your incessant moaning and groaning all week long about a paper you had to turn in this weekend” he teases, “figured you’d be here. I did end up texting Jun either way to ask if he’d seen you around just to be sure”

Baekhyun’s cheeks flush, “I did not moan and groan” he protests, “at least not the entire week” he amends. It makes Kyungsoo laugh and Baekhyun just glares at him.

“Fine, you whined then” Kyungsoo relents.

“I hate you”

Kyungsoo slides down his chair and clutches at his chest, mocking hurt at Baekhyun’s words. Sitting up straight, he laughs loudly when Baekhyun rips a piece of paper from his notebook, balls it up and throws it at his face.

The girl sitting a few tables away looks up and shushes them loudly, glaring daggers their way. Kyungsoo bows at her sheepishly and turns to glare at Baekhyun who in turn hides behind his laptop snickering at the flush tinting the tips of Kyungsoo’s ears.

“Finish your paper so we can go home, will you” he grits as he crosses his arms over his chest and sinks down into his seat.

“Okay grumpy”

Baekhyun sips from his coffee and smiles innocently across the way at Kyungsoo. He squints at him grumbling under his breath but says nothing, just merely sits there and watches as Baekhyun works away, typing furiously.

Honestly, Baekhyun feels like he’s quite literally at death’s door.

Between being swamped in last minute assignments, projects and presentations, his final exams are also right around the corner, so he uses any free time he has to get some studying in. He’s hardly getting any sleep if he’s being honest, and if it weren’t for Kyungsoo’s constant nagging, he’d probably also forget to at least eat two meals a day.

Built up exhaustion finally takes a toll on him one fateful Thursday night while he’s in the middle of cramming for a History quiz. He ends up falling asleep in their living room floor, head against their glass coffee table, an assortment of notes scattered beneath him.

That’s how Kyungsoo finds him—awkwardly positioned, dressed in his red flannel pajama pants and favorite (much too small and much too tight) pink sailor moon shirt. It’s a little past ten at night, and Kyungsoo’s heart aches at the sight of his poor exhausted roommate slumped over a pile of notes. He’s been overworking himself lately, and it distresses him slightly that he can’t seem to be able to help him out further.

Not to mention, the boy hardly listens to Kyungsoo anyways, he’s lucky if he gets him to eat at least twice a day, it’s a wonder he hasn’t passed out from exhaustion sooner.

“Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo whispers kneeling next to him, he places a hand on his shoulder and shakes him slightly. Baekhyun however doesn’t budge one bit, instead he sighs and tries to snuggle closer to the table. Kyungsoo bites his lip to keep from laughing. “Baek” he calls out a little louder this time, that seems to have some effect. He stirs in his sleep, whining pitifully. It’s a few seconds before he slowly begins to awake from his slumber.

“Hmm?” he mewls sitting up and frowning, eyes still remaining shut. He stretches his hands over his head, his bones cracking from being stuck in the same position for who knows how long. Kyungsoo tries to ignore the soft silver of skin revealed from Baekhyun’s shirt riding up his tummy.

“How about we give the studying a bit of a break and get you to bed, yeah?” he says instead.

Kyungsoo tries to nudge him and get him to stand, instead Baekhyun sluggishly rubs at his eyes and looks around sleepily. His sleepy gaze finally lands on Kyungsoo and his eyes go wide.

“Oh my god, oh my goddd” Baekhyun wails now looking down at his notes, “I fell asleep”

Kyungsoo tries his hardest not to face palm and settles for sighing.

“Baek, it’s okay. I think you’ve studied enough for now, you even had a dream with the king of Spain the other night, come on” he takes his hand, but Baekhyun shakes his head.

“I just need to get a few more hours in, then I can sleep”

“You’ve been saying that for the past two weeks and a half” Kyungsoo scoffs.

“Soo, please. I can’t—I literally got a C on my last two quizzes, I need to get at least a B if I want to maintain my current grade. I can’t afford to slack off, I can’t—”

Baekhyun’s words die halfway out of his mouth when suddenly Kyungsoo’s own is pressing against his softly, essentially shutting him up.

Kyungsoo’s soft lips mold over Baekhyun’s slightly dry ones. Much too soon, Kyungsoo pulls away (hardly giving Baekhyun any time to respond), mouth agape and eyes a bit wide when he realizes what he’s just done.

“I uh—”

“What—I mean, what was that for?” Baekhyun asks voice cracking at the same time Kyungsoo clears his throat.

“I—you know—well you” Kyungsoo struggles, his neck, face and ears flushing as he grows more and more flustered. “You keep falling asleep on me, and waking up all soft and sleep tousled and making me feel things” Kyungsoo blurts out, “And you’re so stubborn, you drive me insane. I couldn’t help myself”.

Baekhyun looks at him in surprise, mouth forming an o shape having been caught very off guard. It makes Kyungsoo squirm as he grows even impossibly agitated.

“I’m sorry?” Baekhyun questions, not too sure of how he’s supposed to react to that. If he’s being honest, he finds it endearing. Kyungsoo’s hard to fluster, and he’s never one to fall short out of words.

“It’s—it’s not your fault” Kyungsoo says incredulously, “I’m the one who should be apologizing. I didn’t mean—well I did, but not like that”

“If it—I mean, I didn’t mind it, if that helps” Baekhyun offers biting down on his bottom lip and Kyungsoo looks up at him with big brown hopeful sparkling eyes a small smile forming on his lips. “I mean, a bit of warning would’ve been nice, but you know” he teases and Kyungsoo groans smothering his face into Baekhyun’s shoulder. “If your intention was to distract me from studying, mission accomplished” Baekhyun sighs a few seconds later.

“I had a lot more intentions” Kyungsoo mumbles, and Baekhyun gasps scandalized, “I mean—of course. That is what I intended. Now will you please get some rest?” he asks.

“Fine, but only if I get a goodnight kiss” Baekhyun bargains, and Kyungsoo can’t even pretend to think about it, easily crowding into his personal space and dragging his lips over his once more.

Baekhyun hums contentedly, thinking that maybe it wasn’t so stupid after all to have hoped after all.