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le-amewzing · 2 years ago

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Feral

More than a decade of being an LA fan, and that big xover event finally convinces me to write LA fic. ;P *Note: This is set after s14e10, "A Long Time Coming."

Fic: "Feral" [FFN] [AO3]

Pairings/Characters: Devin Rountree & Fatima Namazi (platonic but okay to tag as Fountree!), Marty Deeks/Kensi Blye

Rating: K+

Words: ~2,330

Additional info: friendship, hurt/comfort, light angst?, fluff, 3rd person POV

Summary: Rountree saw a different kind of action as a result of the Williams investigation. But now it's time to put the case behind him and recuperate…even if he is curious about what his team got up to…

Being held hostage had never been something on Devin Rountree's bucket list. But it was something he now mentally added and immediately crossed off while he waited for the nurses at the hospital to come back with an update.

His phone buzzed in his pocket as he sat with his legs hanging over the edge of his hospital bed, and he didn't wonder for a second who it could be, considering how shaken Fatima had been when the team located him at Miller's hideout earlier today. That was why he blinked in surprise when Deeks' name appeared onscreen. He winced in pain as he glanced around to check if he might disturb anyone around him by swiping right.

"There he is!" Deeks chirped from the passenger seat in Kensi's SUV. The blond angled the phone so Rountree had both of them in view. "Hey, Rountree, that ice helping?"

Rountree chuckled and grinned automatically—and hissed, too. It'd been hours, but it still hurt to smile. "Not much," he admitted, lowering the disposable icepack from his face.

"Well, keep it on—even if it doesn't feel like it, ice works," Kensi instructed in that sisterly tone of hers. She let her eyes drift from the road to Deeks' phone for a split-second, to emphasize her words.

"Will do," Rountree promised, though he returned the pack to just below his bottom lip so he could chat with them for a bit. "You guys heading home?"

"Yep," Deeks replied. "Parker and Torres had a flight to catch back east, and Tennant and Tara lingered a bit longer. I think Tennant wasn't ready to cast her Agent Afloat back to sea quite yet." He motioned to Rountree with a jerk of his chin. "But we cleared out all the guests before locking up for the day, so no worries."

Kensi shot her husband a look. "Hardly. Sam and Shyla were putting the finishing touches on their reports and Callen was haunting them up in ops because his phone started ringing. Pretty sure it was Arkady looking to grab a drink."

Rountree wished he could muster a more genuine smile as the couple bickered about the post-case details and simultaneously tried to settle on a story regarding the absence of Deeks' truck for Rosa. Truly, though, he wished he had more energy to pay attention to his friends…

His eyes wandered to the intake bracelet taped to his wrist atop his bandages. Sure, the team had gotten him an ambulance, and the initial field examinations had been good. But the EMTs as well as Kilbride had insisted Rountree follow up with the ER. He'd had a round of x-rays already, but the nurses had disappeared after he'd insisted they didn't need to cram him into an MRI machine for additional scans.

…no, he really didn't want to be in any tight spaces, not after that smothering trick Miller had her henchman pull.

"…ee? …tree? Rountree," Kensi said, more firmly this time.

Her tone finally snapped him out of it. "Hmm, yeah?"

Kensi narrowed her eyes and leaned over the console to get a good look at him. They must've been at a red light. "They are letting you go home, right? The EMTs at the scene—"

Rountree grinned (ouch, he had to stop doing that by default!) and shook his head. "It's nothing. I think the nurses are just putting together my x-rays for my dentist, as we thought."

Bad enough Kensi frowned at him, but even Deeks gave him some serious side eye. They already had one kid to get home to; Rountree didn't want them to make a detour on his behalf.

"Instead, you could always fill me in on what I missed out. I'm guessing you wanna leave any gory details at the door when you see Rosa."

They stared at Rountree and then shared a look. Kensi grumbled before Deeks conceded with a nod. "Considering we were all on a super-secret hit list, I'm kinda surprised that much of the action rather"—Deeks pantomimed making a ball of…something—"sandwiched today's events."

"You mean 'bookended,' babe," Kensi corrected.

"Ah, yes, that," he agreed with a snap and point of his fingers.

Regardless, Rountree furrowed his brow. "So, what? The day's most exciting things were Fatima and me getting shot at with me taken away and then you guys coming to my rescue?"

Deeks shrugged but nodded. "Well, Torres and I were shot at, too—who knew a big red truck could be a big red target?"

That explained the earlier bickering. But the mention of his partner also highlighted how Kensi and Deeks hadn't mentioned Fatima in their recounting of leaving OSP today. He replayed in his mind's eye that gigantic hug from Fatima, after he'd been freed, and he pursed his lips. Fatima was always a chill, casual person…but she'd definitely been beside herself once they'd reunited.

Would it be strange, though, to ask them how Fatima had been while he'd been missing?

Whether she guessed where his mind had gone or it was simply the place to start her story, Kensi said, "…as Deeks stated, that ambush at the admiral's home caught us all off-guard. Despite needing rest and receiving what I thought was my best mom voice, Fatima was raring to go from the start."

Rountree frowned. That didn't sound like anything new, since his partner could flip a switch and go from "chill" to "feisty" in no time flat. "And…?"

Deeks squinted and cocked his head in his usual manner that prefaced telling any one of them some unflattering detail. "And Kens is being really nice when she means that Fatima spent the entire day biting everyone's heads off."

He gaped at his fellow agents. "She what?!" Rountree froze. "Hold on—I barely interacted with our visitors, but don't tell me—"

"No," Kensi assured him while Deeks whistled, "no, Fatima kept her blasts aimed primarily at our team and at suspects only. Tennant and the rest understood the circumstances anyway, I'm sure."

"Wait—what happened with the suspects?!"

Deeks pulled a face, which Kensi matched, and dodged the question. "Besides, Fatima was back to herself at the end of the day," the blond insisted with a sage stroke of his scruff. "Actually, she and Agent Tara almost seemed chummy."

"Deeks, Kensi—what happened with the suspects?"

Kensi turned the wheel, and the SUV rolled to a stop before she cut the engine. Then she gave him a shit-eating grin. "Rountree, honest, it was nothing that Sam and Callen can't smooth over."

Rountree met her eyes and looked to Deeks, as well, searching for a hint. But if they really didn't want him to worry… "Please tell me that was the most outrageous thing that occurred after my abduction."

The couple paused for thought. Deeks counted to himself on his free hand. "Not counting the covert clue delivered by one ever-elusive Henrietta Lange and one impressive headshot by one ever-horrifying Hollace Kilbride, there's one other thing, but it's hearsay."

He'd been with this team long enough that any addition to the myth of Hetty no longer stunned him, but the detail about Kilbride saving his hide startled Rountree. Perhaps the admiral had some fondness for him after all? Nevertheless— "Hearsay?" Rountree echoed. He wouldn't be distracted by the other details, which were stories for another day.

They both nodded, but Kensi's smile was impressed this time. "According to Lucy—Agent Tara—when she and Fatima surrounded one of Miller's men, Fatima descended on the guy from above, leaping off the leg of the plane like—and I'm quoting here—'Wolverine from X-Men.'" She stifled a snicker. "Apparently Lucy didn't have to do anything once Fatima got to blow off some steam."

Rountree blinked. He opened his mouth and closed it. "Fatima."

"Our Fatima, yep."

"Like…Jackman's Wolverine?"

"I mean, Lucy didn't specify movies versus comics, but that flying-with-claws-out attack is fairly iconic."

Rountree brought his legs up and reclined on the hospital bed. Maybe Miller had hit him harder than he'd thought, because he definitely wasn't hearing things right…

On their end, someone (likely their daughter) called for Kensi and Deeks. The parents gave him mirrored half smiles. "You'll heal in no time, bud," Deeks said.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

"And, Rountree?" Kensi waited until he met her eyes again. "Grab an Uber home soon. But feel free to take one here, too, just because."

He appreciated that she left the "in case doctors feel you need looking after" part unsaid. "Thank you, Kensi, Deeks," he said with a bit more strength in his voice.

"We'll catch you later," Deeks promised, and they both waved before the video call disconnected.

While Rountree appreciated knowing some of what transpired while he'd been held hostage…he also found he couldn't quite wrap his head around it. He'd seen Fatima in a foul mood, sure. And he'd seen her kick some serious ass out in the field. But—a feral Fatima?

"Hey."

He jolted at the sound of her voice and dropped his phone on his stomach. The distance hadn't been far, but the device was heavy enough and his middle was tenderized enough from the day's events so his breath left him in a pained "Oof!"

Fatima rounded the foot of his hospital bed but was wary of touching him and making things hurt more. She winced along with him. "Rountree, jeez, are you all right? I didn't mean to scare you."

Rountree gave her a tiny smile that his lips didn't protest. "Nah, not scare. Just…surprised." He glanced at the busy hallway and noted that the staff seemed unbothered with his late-night visitor. "Hey, aren't visiting hours—?"

Fatima shrugged with just her right shoulder and patted her jeans pocket. "I…might've used my badge to get past the reception desk."

He quirked an eyebrow.

"Technically, not against the rules. I am an NCIS Special Agent, checking up on her fellow NCIS Special Agent."

Rountree stifled a laugh. "Is it a Fatima or an OSP thing, working the rules like that?" he asked, scooting to the left side of the bed so she could sit on the edge.

Fatima took the offered seat and smirked. "Honestly? Kind of both." She paused then, taking in the sight of him patched up and bruised, and her smirk slowly faded. "So? What do the doctors say?"

He raised both eyebrows and held her gaze. Then he answered, with some reluctance, "A lot of what the EMTs suspected was right. Bruised ribs, not fractured." He motioned in a circle to his face. "Minor fractures along my jaw, mostly around my teeth. Orbital fracture of my left eye." Rountree hesitated and folded his hands in his lap. "Abrasions on my wrists from where they bound me… The rest is superficial and the nurses already stitched me up as needed, Fatima."

If she heard his last sentence, she didn't give any indication. Fatima zeroed in on his face with grim determination, her lips pursed so flatly she nearly frowned. But she wasn't staring him in the eye. No, it was easy to guess she was tracing over every last stitch and scratch on his face.

So Rountree finally said what he meant to instead of enumerating his injuries. "Fatima, you didn't have to come see me tonight. You could've asked tomorrow or another time."

Yet Fatima shook her head. "…it had to be tonight."

Rountree studied his partner, studied the tightness in her expression, the drop of her gaze to the hospital's sterile white sheets, the curl of her fingers in his blanket, the absence of color in her knuckles the harder she squeezed, the slight movement when he realized that Fatima…feral Fatima Namazi…shook beside him.

He recalled his own rollercoaster of emotions in that plane today, not knowing whether to trust Miller when the villain had insisted she'd captured Fatima, too. Suddenly, it seemed more plausible to him, that Fatima might be as vicious as Special Agent Tara described, much as it made sense that Fatima would be clingy upon their reunion. He, too, had run the gamut of emotions today.

So Rountree scooted to the left once more, now pressing himself against the railing, and patted the empty stretch of bed beside him. He patted it a second time when the first motion failed to get Fatima's attention.

And Fatima understood. It were as though they were back at the plane again, outside with Miller's body only feet away, the danger still feeling far too real. Fatima stretched out beside him and lightly draped her arm across him, letting him arrange it so she didn't press against fresh bruises. And she buried her face against his neck as she hugged him, tight.

"Fatima…," Rountree murmured, "…I am alive. I survived. We survived. We'll be okay. I'll be okay." Of course, even as he said it, he wondered how much more convincing she would take.

Fatima squeezed him harder, and Rountree patted her arm. He twisted his head to catch a glimpse of her face then—but another detail snared his attention, so he quickly averted his eyes: Their current embrace had shifted her pastel pink headscarf a bit, allowing some of her dark hair to peek out.

He cleared his throat. "Um, F-Fatima. Your, uh, scarf…"

She stiffened against him. But she simply withdrew her free arm from his chest, fixed her hijab, and returned to her previous posture. Even if the brief incident snapped her back to reality, today's happenings…they loomed larger, making reality feel like something still far out of their grasp.

But Rountree knew otherwise. Their reality was that they'd persevered. They'd come out on the other side of today's horribleness, no worse for the wear. And if Fatima needed to hold on to the tangible evidence of that—to hold on to him—a little while longer, until it felt properly real to her…then so be it.

Done for the 5, 10, 20, 50, 70, 100 Fandoms Challenge as well as the If You Dare Challenge (for prompt #25: I'm alive) in the HPFC forum on FFN. WELL. I actually enjoyed the big xover event a lot more than I thought I would! Granted, I wish we'd had one ages ago, back when NOLA was still on (NOLA, my beloved, you are missed! ;w;), but I'm mostly satisfied with the story they did for this—plus LA on a Monday night, where it belongs?! YES, PLS AND TY! 8D Anywho! I…have been with LA from the beginning. I have old story ideas from a decade ago, even. I just…haven't written anything until now. There's been so much to love about LA, and the charries are so near and dear to my heart, but s14's "A Long Time Coming" rly smacked me in the feels when they separated Rountree and Fatima. I've adored both charries since their respective debuts, and I've always delighted in Fatima's fondness for him, hence why I'm happy with either platonic or shippy content for them. -w- But since Rountree was on his own for much of the ep, having Densi fill him in was a lot of fun (and legit the Wolverine comparison is my own—I'm a BIG X-Men {comics and movies} fan myself). Let's see… Oh, funnily enough, tho this is my first LA fic and I've done NCIS fanart before, I actually have drawn smthg before that was Fatima-inspired! (Can you tell I'm a big fan? :3c) Final remarks: For anyone who might not know, to my understanding, it's respectful to avert your eyes (esp if you're male) when someone wearing a hijab has their hair accidentally shown, and you also wouldn't fix it yourself. I included this in the story since Fatima frequently changes out her scarves btwn normal/fashion and fitted/athletic types, and I wondered how this episode's affectionate Fatima would mind it coming loose at all around someone to whom she's v close but not family/married. Plus, Rountree behaving accordingly by knowing not to touch it and risk touching her hair demonstrates respect btwn them! -w- *iz a sucker for soft friendships* Ahhhh, I just love these two a lot.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to leave an anon/unsigned review via the FFN link or comment via the AO3 link at the top of the post, especially if you enjoyed this!

~mew

#ncis: la #ncis: los angeles #devin rountree #fatima namazi #fanfic #mew writes too much #marty deeks #kensi blye #okay to tag with fntr c:

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paper-girls · 3 years ago

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A’s fic recs to cry your heart out to

aka fics i cried over.

hey lads. it’s been a while. so i return with sad stuff! that says a lot about my mental state probably. oh i started uni and it’s been awful. cold pizza is shockingly good. anyway. these are all gonna be angst with a happy ending cause i’m weak and don’t like characters to be sad forever. there’s gotta be a resolution. or maybe some sickly sweet fluff. it’ll be a fun surprise. just read the tags.

fic rec masterlist

sad bois away!

SakuAtsu

The Story of Us by thesweetestnerd

a classic, i know. if you’ve been around for a while you’ve probably at least heard of this one. or i’m biased. anyway it’s a great read. i’ve reread it like five times and i cry every time. i bet you two crisp high fives you’ll cry too.

Do I dare disturb the universe? by han_ying

have you ever wondered what a different choice would make your life like? have you ever been offered a cookie by a small orange man? no? well kiyoomi gives it a go. take a hard look at your life after this one.

Quarantine conversations by lettersinpetals

hey covid coping mechanism! how about you incorporate realism! you’d think spending all day every day with someone you love would be heaven yeah? well. sometimes people are emotionally constipated. i’m looking at you kiyoomi. this is a call out post.

When Atsumu Thinks About Love by GlitchyCookie

stress stress stress and feeling left behind. all things weddings bring. dances are also things that happen at weddings. so do kisses. took my heart out and put it in a bag with broken glass. at least it was polished at the end.

a soft place to call home (series) by yee_haw23

it’s so funny to me someone called yee_haw23 can deliver such and emotionally devastating series of fics. the one’s about loss and loneliness really get me can you tell. but yeah. being alone is never fun especially when it’s rubbed in your face.

Bound by internetpistol

not a bondage fic. shockingly. it is about being bound to someone and something though. and about fate. how something is bound to happen based on your decisions.

IwaOi

Ruin the Friendship by thesweetestnerd

some things were made to be messed up. like finger paint, tissues, and socks after a long day. what’s important to know is that messing something up is not the end of it, but a change of its’ shape.

Desperado by Verbrennung

hey kid you wanna read a heist au? what about a getting back together fic? yeah? yeah i got you. crime and love what a perfect combination. honestly, this is one of my personal favourites like ever. i cannot recommend this one enough. i may have also made a playlist inspired by it and if anyone wants it simply ask.

please disregard my house of cards (built from mistakes) by rekamohcs

softish. gratuitous plant imagery. shenanigans and tomfoolery. and it’s a university au. what more could you ask for. this fic gets a big fuzzy hug from me. and it made me feel things that weren’t necessarily sadness but made me cry nonetheless.

AsaNoya

Vienna Waits For You by Pouler (poulerslashes)

emotionally destroyed me. do not read if you’re not looking to be sad for a few days. or a few hours. depends on how fast you read but the aftermath is certainly long. loss is hard, but sometimes things aren’t as far as you’d think.

BokuAka

Behind Bricks by DeathBelle

it’s been around for a while but still gets me. prostitute au. sometimes plans get changed, for better or for worse. and sometimes things simply fall into place.

Rules by ConesOfDunshire

also a fan favourite. it’s me i’m fan. i just cannot get over positive depictions of autism. like. it’s not that hard but they went off in this one. do i cry? yeah. sometimes i remember this and go back and read a section of it. it’s not just a fic it’s an investment.

the strange music of your heart by caniculeo

someone’s gotta fall first. who better than akaashi? bokuto is unsure. they work it out. i would like to pack this fic a lunch, give it a little kiss on the forehead, and send it off to school.

DaiSuga

Black and Blue by MTrash (Makaria)

so first things first this fic has references to abuse so note that down. secondly, everyone lives in the same building but it’s a very gay building. thirdly, yeah i cried reading it sue me. this is my sad fic rec list.

Just Another by Mooifyourecows

so moo is actually a favourite of mine, and if you’re in the market for daisuga content, they have a lot. i love me a good unrequited-love-but-not-actually-it-just-took-some-figuring-out and also emotional constipation breakthrough fic.

Misery’s Company by Mooifyourecows

i wasn’t lying about loving their content. so take another. but this one has a clever plan that may or may not work. sometimes relationships don’t work and sometimes you gotta fuck with everything to get everything right.

i for sure have more but i don’t wanna put everything on one lest i overwhelm you. i realize some of the descriptions/reviews sound like tarot/oracle card meanings and i have nothing to say to that. i wrote this whole shebang in one go where the other ones can take days to months. maybe i’m procrastinating studying for exams. i hope you enjoy reading them as much as i did. and feel free to request more. i’ll get around to it eventually.

go forth and read my dears.

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mrmcribs · 2 years ago

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I want to preface this by apologizing to my 1 follower that I don’t know, for I have some harrowing news

I, Mr. McRibs, am a Danganronpa fan, and I have made my objectively correct, based, Danganronpa Character Tier List, that includes characters from Trigger Happy Havoc, Goodbye Despair, V3, and all the people you actually meet in UDG (except for 2 additions)

obligatory spoiler warning, I guess

For context, ive never watched the anime, only stuff talking about the anime, and I’ve only done the free time events with Toko, Chihiro, Taka, Gundamn, Mikan, Himiko, and Gonta. I have some general knowledge of other characters that you wouldn’t only know from their basic introductions, but don’t blame me if I don’t know about Cockichi’s super secret dialogue that reveals he has 3 dicks, also

now, the list itself

for tier context

Blocked is essentially “fuck you” toer

A+ and S+ is essentially A and S but like, I would probably that smash button, if you know what I mean

the top 2 tiers are uhhhhh, *special cases*

Now, let’s start with the fucking dregs, blocked characters

everyone here is self explanatory if you look at them, but Himiko is a bitch to my SDR2 waifu and Yuta just disturbs me with his presence, idk why

In D tier, I’m just gonna be honest, I don’t like 2/3rds of the asshole rivals, Byakuya fucked with DR1 “Best Girl”’s dead body and Nagito is Nagito. If you couldn’t tell, I’m not exactly a big Komahina shipper, because Hajime deserves better. I’d be too scared to ever talk to Mondo.

Tsumugi WOULD be blocked, but I just like her more, she would be in C if she didn’t write her kinks into V3 (*cough cough* Kiyo and the Monokubs *cough*) Monokuma and Monodam aren’t in blocked, because they’re funny little fellas

In C tier, which is just “I don’t dislike or like you” tier, Kyoko is neat but kinda…. well, kyoko. Miu would be in B but sadly, love hotel says otherwise. I get that Tenko is more that just “fuck men /neg”, but like, I can’t really just ignore that, mate. Akane is bland, and Taek- I mean Celestia is 100% a bitch that would rob me blind. I don’t really have anything to say about any of the other humans, besides Haiji. Yes, I do know he has THAT line, but like… I just kinda don’t care about it, it doesn’t go anywhere and one REALLY REALLY bad line doesn’t ruin a mentally ill fuck. The Mono-fellas there are just there because they’re also boring

in B tier, where I’m only gonna talk about only the bitches I REALLY care about, cutting off the characters I have nothing to talk about (Keebo, Aoi, Ibuki, Nekomaru, Sakura, Usami)

Kaito is such a bro, he’d just be cool to hang around. Korekiyo, Toko, and Syo all get to avoid C and below despite being very fucked up serial killers, because I like Korekiyo and UDG gave Toko/Syo a glowup and a girlfriend. Twogami I can’t explain why I like, he’s just cool and neat and cool. Kanon gets the cut because god, I love Ultra Despair Hagakure. Masaru is okay, just get therapy and stop mentioning wieners, I hate hot dogs.

In A tier, Peko gets to sit next to her husband Fuyuhiko because I really like them both. Kazuichi has nothing going for him besides his design and that one Kazuichi X Gundham X Sonia doujin, you know EXACTLY THE ONE IM TALKING ABOUT. Maki is just neat, and Ryoma is too good not to put in A. Sonia is a basic bitch, but refer to Kazuichi, and finally, SOMEONE GET THESE KIDS SOME FUCKING THERAPY

A+ Now, and uhhh, Goth Maid Mommy GF? Kokichi is just a little guy that make me feel things I don’t think I should feel about someone who would 100% bully me. Angie is here because she’s angie and her love hotel, despite the fact I actually hated her during V3 because of her cult BS. Milf is here for obvious reasons

Listen, Gonta would be in S+ if I wouldn’t actually be scared for my own safety, as Gonta is fucking massive in likely more places than one. Kaede is Kaede, an- w wait guys, don’t leave because Hifumi is in S guys I swear he’s not that gUYS WAIT PL-

Himiko and Taka are both people I maxed out relationships with, so I have had enough time with them if feel bad for not putting them here. Chiaki, Yasuhiro, and Komaru sound like a dream blut rotation, also WHO KEEPS LEAVING THE MENTALLY SCARED CHILDREN AT MY DOORSTEP

in S+, the highest normal tier, we have CHIHIRO. So, I’m the beginning of THH, I decided to try and really befriend one girl I really liked and one boy I really liked, so I chose Taka….*and chihiro*, long story short, I failed that objective. bro, I just love Hajime so fucking much, he’s the BEST PROTAG EVER, FUCK YOU IF YOU DISAGREE…*ignore the fact all 3 male protags are in S+, Makoto is too much of a nice little man to not be here and Shuichi gets here because he’s the hot depressed Emo boy.* Gundham is another of my favorite DR characters, because he’s GUNDHAM TANAKA, HISTORY’S GREATEST MONSTER!!! Mikan was my SDR2 waifu, and uhhhhhhhhhh, I may or may not be a major Simp for Yanderes, which *might* mean something. I’ve only seen DR:IF Mukuro, but like, she’s the best choice for Makoto and is also a Girlboss. TeruTeru only gets to be here because he’d 100% show me a good time.

and finally, my number 1 favorite Danganronpa character is none other than IZURU KAMAKURA!!!! i just can’t explain it, he interests me so fucking much and he’s so fucking cool and awesome and epic and he was one of my first U ranked characters I got in UTDP. Monodam is also here, because I love him nearly just as much

NOW FINALLY FINALLY, kitty :)

#Danganronpa #tier list #my opinion is correct #there’s so much text #Rant #i think that’s what you’d call this #Izuru Kamukura #my beloved #i love him so much #Spoilers #i guess #kitty :)

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love-takes-work · 5 years ago

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When someone toxic needs a friend

I just wanna add a little personal reflection to the discussion of Spinel’s treatment in Steven Universe: The Movie.

A few signposts so you know where I’m starting with this:

A criticism I’ve seen:

Steven was not particularly warm to Spinel. He did not hug her. He did not offer to be her friend. He spoke carelessly and triggered her toward becoming murderous again. He only cared about what she could do for him.

A perspective I’ve seen:

LOTS of people with borderline personality disorder or strong feelings about abandonment personally relate to Spinel and are critical of Steven from this perspective.

Rebecca Sugar’s commentary on Spinel:

The thing about Spinel is that she’s a really toxic person.

She’s so toxic that she’s literally trying to poison people.

In my interactions with friends who have had a history difficult enough to make it hard for them to trust other people and sometimes even actively want to hurt others, it’s just a very difficult situation to navigate. In the case of Spinel and all of these characters, that’s extremely exaggerated because cartoons have the ability to be extreme exaggerations. I wanted to explore what it’s like when you’re trying to help someone who really doesn’t want to help themselves, who wants to embody the negative feelings that they have about themselves. I think that’s something really real. I hadn’t seen that in a cartoon before.

Spinel, unlike many other characters, actually has the goal of hurting people, which is new territory for the show. She really wants to hurt Steven, and there’s a reason that she does—because she’s in so much pain. I just wanted to explore all the dimensions of that.

I also think Steven has his way of trying to handle and dissolve conflict. It’s not necessarily a good way for him to handle this situation. It really leaves him in a difficult state, and I think what I wanted to show in the way that they interact is that at a certain point, when you can’t help someone, you have to be able to protect yourself.

Ultimately, he can’t really convince her to change. It’s something she’ll have to want for herself. But what he can do is protect himself from her, making it impossible for her to hurt him.

It’s sort of up to you if you would like to love her. If you watch this movie and she, you know, frustrates you, that is totally fair. I want that to be a big part of who she is.

[From the AV Club interview]

So here are a few things I want to shed light on.

It’s very interesting that Rebecca intended Spinel to be read as “a toxic person” because so many fans fell in love with her, said they’d be her friend, hated intensely on Pink Diamond because of what she did to abandon the poor Gem, and sympathized with her directly. But Rebecca was looking at Spinel from Steven’s perspective. And that’s also what I did.

I’ve been Steven. I have VERY much been Steven.

When you meet someone who was done dirty, when you recognize the horror they’ve been through, when you see how much pain they are in and agree they have the right to be angry, it’s natural for empathetic people to offer themselves as comfort.

But when you’re Steven, you also know it isn’t YOUR fault either. Before you have the ability and experience to set boundaries, you can get sucked into other people’s stormy waters and think you’re helping if you drown in solidarity with them. What’s really important to preserving yourself is learning that you can stand on the boat and toss a life preserver. That it doesn’t ACTUALLY HELP to jump in the water and sink with them.

Some folks are angry that Steven didn’t jump right into sacrifice himself on the altar of friendship in the service of an intense, literally murderous stranger who tried to poison him and his planet and lash out at his friends, robbing them of their rich pasts and their relationships because all of it hurt HER so much. It is SO easy to understand WHY SPINEL WAS ANGRY. But nothing she was doing to Steven, his friends, or the Earth was going to fix her problems, and furthermore, she FULLY UNDERSTOOD that it was NOT THE FAULT of any of the people she took her anger out on. It was irrational, yes, and that is part of her dysfunction. But also, in these situations, what helps explain it still does not excuse it.

Some have railed at Steven saying he somehow forgave genocidal tyrants like the Diamonds but couldn’t be friends with a damaged Gem like Spinel who just wanted friendship. The big difference there is that Steven got involved with the Diamonds when both parties believed he was a different person. The Diamonds believed he was the lost Pink Diamond, and Steven has also spent much of his superhero life believing he WAS his mother and was therefore obligated to accept punishment for her crimes or to clean up the messes she made. Now that he knows he is not her and that she did some pretty horrible stuff, he also wants the right to stop feeling responsible for every person Pink hurt in the entire region of space.

Steven gave Spinel basically compassionate treatment. He did not abuse her. He did not insult her. He occasionally coddled her when it seemed important (and though some said he was too businesslike while he pursued his mission, he was literally looking at the world ending within two days if he didn’t solve the problem). And most importantly . . . .

He let her leave the garden.

Spinel stayed in the garden all those millennia because Pink Diamond told her they were playing a game. All that time, she had visions of Pink returning so she could see her smile, hear her laughter. We see a sequence where she tried to follow Pink out of the garden and Pink manipulated her into staying willingly. We watch those feet leaving and one pair of feet staying behind. We see Pink disappear.

When Steven goes to leave the garden, Spinel follows in the same manner. Some have criticized him for letting go of her hands.

But he invited her out of the garden. He didn’t say stay. He said come with me.

As he sang about her deserving someone better, he was sincere. But he did not say the person to make her feel found should be him. He did not want to take on another person with thousands of years of baggage who would require a specific brand of attention and so much tenderness to avoid snapping. He did not allow her to be held by the hand and led out. He recognized that she needed encouragement to leave this place because of what was done to her, but he wanted her to take the steps.

Compassionate people are crushed all the time under the weight of needy people who make it hurt to love. People like Steven can acknowledge that Spinel deserves love and deserves to be happy without accepting that it’s heartless to stop short of personally doing it. Especially when you literally have to take physical, mental, and emotional damage as a general consequence of offering support and counseling. It is sometimes just beyond what you can do.

I made the mistake several times of getting very close to someone who treated me poorly while taking comfort in my presence. I cared that they were hurt and I didn’t know how to say “You deserve love” without stepping in and loving them. In EVERY case I was involved with, the person went from initially grateful to “why don’t you help me more?” shockingly quickly, and two of them deliberately tried to create situations where I would be trapped with them and isolated from others.

I could get very personal here but I don’t think I need to. Those of us who relate all too well to Steven wanting to help others will have been in this situation. Your heart hurts for people who live with pain that has never touched you, but when they’ve made it clear with one of their first actions that they feel satisfied at the idea of ruining your life, trusting them could mean the end of you. Especially if they demand that you risk life and limb to fix and save them before you’d dare to call it love, and especially if they want to be fixed without feeling responsible for initiating any of it. Some people mistake suffering for working hard toward a goal. Both can hurt but only one is constructive. If I’m expected to spend extensive resources on someone, I need some partnership in the goal, and I can’t accomplish that with someone whose wish for companionship manifests as “I want you to feel as bad as I do, and will take steps to hurt you so I have someone to cry with.”

Steven risked his actual life while he didn’t have powers so he could go talk to Spinel, and he wouldn’t fight her when she wanted to fight. He protected himself while she spent her anger. He STILL put himself in the line of fire far more than a less compassionate person would. He took time and tenderness to listen to her story and sympathize with her, tell her she deserved better, bear witness to what she’d become after being treated like a discarded plaything, and bring her hope with promises of a new future and a way to feel found.

Sadly, Spinel flipped back to being murderous at the first sign that Steven might be about to prioritize someone other than her, reframing his reasonable needs as if he was planning to abandon her, isolate her, discard her. This was a trauma reaction, yes, and she isn’t entirely to blame for being upset because she was worried she was just being used and none of her actions were logically thought through.

But does someone ever “deserve” the friendship of a specific person who can’t feel warm toward them because of their OWN bad experiences?

No!

Steven has a big heart but he has his very own huge storehouse of trauma, and being physically attacked with his family and planet put in danger over the actions of his mother is at the top of the list. Instead of assuming that the person who has trauma the loudest is the most hurt, can’t we just acknowledge that Spinel’s and Steven’s respective traumas make them NOT the best match for friendship?

The ending of the movie, with Spinel going off with the Diamonds, might seem a little disturbing with all the codepencency floating around there, but if you want to talk about compassion, I think this is a good place for Spinel to start.

She just wanted to make Pink Diamond laugh and enjoy her life. She longed to do that for so long and then it all ended when she found out she would NEVER GET TO DO IT. I think bonding with the other Diamonds and having a familiar, safe place to experience the kind of love she’s used to will be a good FOUNDATION for building herself into a person beyond that. For now, she needs comfort. I hope they treat her well.

#steven universe #steven universe the movie #gif #long post #spinel #su analysis #my su analysis #myblog

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snailsnfriends · 4 years ago

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Dream SMP and the Effects of Grimdark Media: An Essay

Hello! For those who don’t me, I am snail, and I have been interested in the Dream SMP since October, but joined the Tumblr community not too long ago. As a writer and actor myself, the work of those on the Dream SMP has absolutely blown me away. However, I and others have noticed a trend in the writing of the Dream SMP: a good sum of it is very grimdark, and I began to notice people really feeling the effects of that, and I wanted to look more deeply into it, and how that can be altered.

NOTE: I am completely aware that all of the writers on the Dream SMP are amateurs, and likely do not have any sort of “training” other than what they were taught in school. I would not be critiquing the writing of the Dream SMP if I did not believe that it could be “fixed.” Later in this essay, I offer suggestions to “fix” the problem that I’m bringing up. All references to factual information used in this essay will be linked at the end.

Now, before we can talk about the Dream SMP and its writing, first we need to figure out what grimdark media is and how that affects those who watch it.

What is grimdark media?

According to the google the definition of grimdark is “(of fiction, especially fantasy fiction) characterized by disturbing, violent, or bleak subject matter and a dystopian setting.”

So now that we’ve established what grimdark is, how does depressing media, or any form of media for that matter, affect our emotions as the viewer?

As we are consuming any form of media, whether it’s a movie, a TV show, a book, a podcast, a live theatrical performance, or a Dream SMP lore stream, we as the viewers are completely aware that what we are watching is purely fictional, and that those who are performing are acting. None of the events are real, none of the characters are real, and none of the settings are real.

So why do we react so heavily to certain moments? Why do we cry during heavy lore streams if we know that none of it is real?

A lot of it has to do with the human capacity to feel empathy/sympathy. Empathy allows us to understand the experiences of others, even complete strangers. Sympathy, on the other hand, allows us to share the feelings and/or emotions of others. As we are consuming media, we are aware that all of it is fake, but we still feel empathy and/or sympathy for the characters. So much so that a physical response, such as crying, is a result.

Even though the characters of the Dream SMP are not real, a lot of their characters’ responses to traumatic events ARE, so we as an audience sympathize with them heavily. For example, c!Tommy shows very clear signs of PTSD after being killed by Dream, such as extreme emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds the victim of the event (c!Tommy freaking out after taking fall damage), trying to avoid discussing the even or avoiding activities, people, and places that remind the victim of the event (c!Tommy refusing to go into depth about what happened to him), memory problems (does not really remember how long he was dead for), easily startled, always on guard, extremely irritable, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior, and difficulty keeping close relationships (his current relationship with c!Tubbo).

Even though we as an audience know that c!Tommy and his experiences aren’t real, his reactions to these experiences are realistic, and can be relatable to a lot of viewers, those with PTSD and those without (which is why it is VERY important to be careful with your word choice when discussing these characters; this connects with the problem of villainizing characters with mental illnesses, but that’s another topic for another day). We as viewers empathize with c!Tommy because it is likely that we have reacted the same way to traumatic events, and we understand them fully. They may remind us of our past and/or current selves, so we react emotionally to them.

We as people also mirror the reactions and emotions of others. If someone starts to cry, real or fictional, it’s likely that you will as well. If someone is angry, you will likely get angry as well. This is not odd, and is very normal for humans to do. Regardless, getting angry or crying are emotional responses, and will hurt you in some way.

Another thing to note is that this fandom is made up of mostly minors, and some of the most traumatized characters on the Dream SMP are also minors. It can be hard to watch kids your own age go through so much, even fictional ones. As an adult, it can be just as hard to watch these young kids go through so much, especially when you try to compare those characters to who you were at their ages.

Even those who have not gone through these events will likely sympathize with these characters heavily because what they have gone through is emotionally heavy. Because of all of this, watching heavy lore streams can have a negative effect on a viewer’s mental health.

Okay, so why is the Dream SMP storyline at the moment so dark and angsty? Why do people keep engaging with it if it is negatively affecting their mental health?

This sort of “angst spiral” of sorts is usually something I notice in fanworks such as fanart or fanfiction. It is sometimes a lot more fun to write or draw heavy, emotional moments, and they garner more attention.

It sort of goes like this: the plot has a normal amount of angst in it for the story, and at this point it is balanced with more happy or “fluffy” content, the angst gets more attention from fans, the writer (or in the case of the Dream SMP, writers) notice this and write more angst as a response but it is still bearable, the audience feeds off of this heavily and create more fanart/fanfiction/theories based on it, writer really notices this and (understandably) comes to the conclusion that angst/grimdark things are the best/easiest way to get the audience excited for the plot, the plot gets very very grimdark and is not balanced out with any upbeat moments, random angst plots are started with no real ending in sight despite that not being the original plan for the character/plot (feet are too small for the big shoes) and the rare upbeat moments are short/not given any attention, and at this point, it can be almost unbearable to watch because the plot has become too grimdark. Once we reach this point, or even a few before it, it can cause a big toll on the viewers’ mental health.

The reason why someone who has been negatively affected by the grimdark content of the Dream SMP may still watch it is because the Dream SMP has not always been this way, and the writers have proven that they can do upbeat/fluffy content, so they keep watching. A big example of this is the Disc War Finale. Although the first half of it was more angsty, the final parts where everyone came together to put c!Dream in jail and to protect c!Tommy and c!Tubbo was upbeat and even a bit cathartic to watch. C!Tommy and c!Tubbo sitting on the bench, listening to their discs together in the end was much needed for the audience. This can even be seen in smaller examples, like c!Tommy exclaiming, “I’m free!” while flying around with c!Dream’s trident, or c!Tubbo and c!Ranboo adopting Michael and getting married.

The Dream SMP also may be someone’s hyperfixation, so they are unable to simply stop watching.

So now that we know all of this, what can the writers of the Dream SMP do to fix this, and what can we as viewers do to help ourselves out?

As I said in the note before this essay, I will be citing examples of a more balanced lore/angst plot that the writers have shown that they are capable of doing.

The writers:

Make designated lore streams shorter

The best example of this is c!Tommy’s 25-30 minute prison streams. These streams were short, sweet, and to the point. We got all of the “lore” we needed quickly, and if you happened to miss it, it was easy to watch it back later. If the lore bits were too heavy to watch, then you would not be missing too much.

I know that this is definitely not always possible, so this is most likely the best way to go:

Balance out lore and funny bits in streams

Cc!Tommy’s last lore stream, pretty much all of the Pogtopia streams, and most of cc!Tubbo’s streams are like this. They are a mix of lore and funny moments where the CCs are actually speaking and joking with each other. These are a lot easier to watch because it is not heavy the entire time. The joking moments provide a break in between the angst, and it can also be used as a good way to remind the audience that the Dream SMP is purely fictional. These streams are also better for those who do not really care for the lore and would rather just watch the CCs mess around with each other.

For me, these funny moments are what caused me to fall in love with the Dream SMP and the creators behind it, and I know that the same applies to a lot of people in this fandom. I think this would probably be the best way for the Dream SMP to operate around lore.

The viewers

Try to take a break from lore streams if it becomes too much

As I stated before, the Dream SMP is not real, but the characters’ reactions to events can be very realistic and hard to watch. If things become too much for you, try to take a break from it. Stop watching the stream, don’t go on social media if you follow stan accounts or Dream SMP dedicated blogs, and go do something that calms you down. If you feel that you’re feeling good enough to go back to the stream, go ahead! If not, then that’s completely okay too!

Follow lore recap accounts/blogs to stay up to date on the lore

The fear of missing lore streams is centered largely around missing something crucial. There are plenty of accounts on Twitter and blogs on Tumblr that recap lore streams so you can stay up to date on the plot without having to watch the streams.

The VODs will be there to watch later

If things are too much, remember that you do not have to watch the streams in real-time. You can always watch them later if you aren’t in the right headspace to watch them live.

Conclusion

The Dream SMP’s writing and acting is very impressive. The amount of awesome fanart, fanfiction, analysis posts, and other work is absolutely amazing. It is so cool that so many people enjoy this Minecraft roleplay so much. The amount of people who love it is good proof that the writers are doing an amazing job, and the amount of people having an emotional response to it shows the same thing. However, the amount of angst can be hard to watch and can put the writers in a tough spot to get out of.

I have a lot of faith in the writers of the Dream SMP, and I believe that it is possibly on the right track, with Tommy’s latest lore stream being an example of this. I really do think that the amount of grimdark content can be altered and streams can be easier and more fun to watch. Hopefully we’ll get a more mixed bag of lore and angst soon to make things more enjoyable for everyone involved.

Sources:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-moral-molecule/200902/why-we-cry-movies

https://www.vice.com/sv/article/exqgqm/why-do-we-cry-when-we-watch-films

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/sympathy-empathy-difference

#dream smp #dreamsmp #dream smp analysis #dreamwastaken #c!dream #tommyinnit #c!tommy #tubbo #c!tubbo #ranboo #c!ranboo #long post #dream smp essay #snailtrail.slimes

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aion-rsa · 3 years ago

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What Sweet Tooth Changes From the Comic

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This article contains spoilers for Sweet Tooth, both the TV series and the comic.

Sweet Tooth, the live-action adaptation of Jeff Lemire’s post-apocalyptic comic, has now arrived on Netflix and it’s a hit! Or at least that’s what producer Robert Downey Jr. ‘s overwhelmingly prevalent promoted tweet claims. I can recite “#SweetTooth is now certified fresh with a perfect 100% critics score. So incredibly proud of the whole @sweettooth team and can’t wait for you to see ‘the show of the summer.’ All episodes are now streaming on Netflix!” more readily than my own name at this point.

Still, it’s easy to see why Sweet Tooth found an audience on Netflix. The story of a gentle deer-boy hybrid named Gus and his quest to find his mother in a virus-ravaged world puts a refreshingly optimistic face on a well-worn post-apocalypse genre. Actor Christian Convery is a real find as Gus a.k.a. Sweet Tooth and the series eight episodes feel like an ‘80s Amblin Entertainment homage done right.

Sweet Tooth is so inherently sweet that audiences might not realize just how much it deviates from its comic inspiration. Lemire’s comic miniseries, published from 2009 through 2013 by DC’s Vertigo imprint, has many fans, including some big pop culture names. Actor Michael Sheen wrote the foreword for the series first collected trade paperback. TV writer Damon Lindelof (Watchmen, Lost) conducted an interview with Lemire for the end of the final book. The comic is also decidedly less sweet than the TV show it inspired.

Arriving in an era before apocalypse fatigue fully set in for pop culture, Sweet Tooth really leans into the Mad Max side of its “Bambi Meets Mad Max” elevator pitch. The book is quite dark and unflinching. That Netflix and series creator Jim Mickle decided to go in a brighter direction for the show is an interesting commentary on entertainment’s priorities at the moment. But what if Sweet Tooth the TV series decided to hew closer to its source material? Read on to see how the comic and the show differ.

Tone

It cannot be overstated just how much darker the Sweet Tooth comic is than the TV series. The show acknowledges that the post-apocalyptic world after “The Sick” would feature some inherent violence. In fact, the whole plot of the show involves hunters trying to kidnap a child and deliver him to the military to be ground up into medicine essentially. That’s obviously dark. But the show still does its best to avoid as much onscreen violence as possible.

When the Big Man or another character rescues Gus from hunters, he does so in a largely bloodless fashion. Even when Big Man takes a bear trap to a poacher’s head, audiences are spared the grisly sights and sounds of it. Readers of the Sweet Tooth comic, however, are spared nothing. The pages of Lemire’s work are positively drenched in blood. Midway through the story, Gus is even forced to beat a fellow hybrid’s brains in with a brick. He says he feels bad about it, but not that bad.

The comic also delves into the realm of sexual violence as many post-apocalyptic stories have felt compelled to do before. Early on in the proceedings Big Man and Gus come across a town where a family captures women and forces them into prostitution. When Big Man rescues two women, they become permanent fixtures of their party. These characters, Lucy and Becky, do not appear in the TV show (though one character does borrow her name from one).

If all the violence didn’t already make it apparent, the Sweet Tooth comic is particularly misanthropic. Nearly all of the human characters in the comic are monsters. Even Gus’s beloved Big Man Jepperd is useful because he’s a monster. Jepperd never loses sight of what makes him useful in this world, which is killing. He only becomes a hero when he applies that skill to those who deserve it. Throughout the series run, the comic continually intimates that perhaps planet Earth would be better off without all these humans anyway.

Characters

Befitting the comic’s darker tone, the characters of Sweet Tooth are also quite a bit darker. While Convery’s depiction of Gus in the show is absolutely pitch perfect for a young Spielbergian hero, the Gus of the comic isn’t quite as self-assured or sophisticated. The education that Gus received from his “pubba” wasn’t necessarily top notch stuff so his vernacular is filled with more slang and abbreviations. He comes across as a true Nebraskan country boy.

Meanwhile, Tommy Jepperds a.k.a Big Man (Nonso Anozie) gets an even bigger makeover for the show. Lemire describes the Jepperds of the comic as being inspired by the concept of an aging Frank Castle. There is absolutely no warmth in the comic’s Big Man. Instead of being an ex-football player, he’s an ex hockey player…and a pretty terrible one at that, only useful as his team’s “enforcer”. Anozie’s Jepperds is quite a bit more personable and open. Though he intends to sell Gus to the Last Men, he never goes through with it. In the comic, Jepperds does exactly that before changing his mind and rescuing the boy.

The pig-girl hybrid Wendy (Naledi Murray) exists in the comic but her mother Aimee (Dania Ramirez) does not. Instead Gus meets Wendy at the Last Men facility after Jepperds sells him off. He meets Wendy’s little buddy Bobby there too.

Gus’s “pubba” is a janitor at a medical facility in both the comic and the show, but as played by Will Forte in the show, he’s a lot more tender and smooth. The show Pubba is the perfect father to young Gus, open, communicative, and knowledgeable. In the comic, however, the character has lost some of his mental faculties in isolation. He is a God-fearing man who entertains and writes down his apocalyptic visions. Gus loves him and he loves Gus but he’s also not operating at full capacity. Also not operating at full capacity is Dr. Adityah Singh (Adeel Akhtar), who becomes inspired by Pubba’s writings and believes that Gus is a new god.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

The Animal Army is quite different in the comic. Instead of being a ragtag gang of Neverland-style kids, it’s a disturbing cult of adults in animal masks, led by a deranged man who has five dog-hybrid children. Becky a.k.a Bear (Stefania LaVie Owen) is an invention for the show but she does take her name from a comic character.

General Abbott though? He’s pretty much that villainous in both iterations of the story. Screw that guy.

Story

Though Sweet Tooth’s first season begins and ends in a similar spot to the first “Book” (12 issues) of the comic, the path it takes to get there is wildly different.

Why Sweet Tooth’s Ending is Ultimately Hopeful

By Nicole Hill

Scenes at Aimee’s Preserve and at Dr. Singh’s Stepford-ian community are invented entirely for the show. The Preserve is mentioned in the comic, but it’s never confirmed to exist (and likely does not, given the comic’s relentlessly dark tone). The first time Gus and readers meet Wendy and Dr. Singh is at the Last Men facility where Gus finds himself in the final episode of the season. Also new to the TV series are Gus and Big Man’s side quest through an outdoor sporting goods store, and the entire Animal Army’s arc.

In the comic, Gus, Big Man, and company’s journey stretches from Nebraska to Alaska (hey, that rhymes!). The show elects to shorten that a bit by having Gus venture from Wyoming to Colorado. In addition to introducing new stories, the show also abandons some comic stories entirely, likely in pursuit of its cheerier tone.

Netflix has not announced Sweet Tooth season 2 yet. Based on the show’s apparent success, however, future seasons seem likely. When they arrive, they will undoubtedly have many more changes to make from the source material to ensure an appropriately sweet viewing experience.

Sweet Tooth is available to stream on Netflix now.

The post What Sweet Tooth Changes From the Comic appeared first on Den of Geek.

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lihikainanea · 4 years ago

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so clark is filming right now and what if tiger was tagging along secretly with him. she hangs out in his hotel or goes on her own little adventures. he needs a lot of loving after some of these shoots as clark is an intense guy. she’s more than happy to help him and even makes sure to get a hotel room with the biggest bathtub possible.

oh man, I love this so much. My little empath heart really marvels at actors sometimes, who can flawlessly portray these really dark, devastating, disturbed characters that are usually--hopefully--really far off from their baseline without actually starting to carry those horrible traits with them. I mean shit, I have a bad day at work and that stays with me for days and I can’t shake it. But to spend 14 hours a day fully enveloped in the psyche of someone so disturbed and to just be able to shake that off at the end of the day like it never even happened? Man that shit is a mental game I wish I had.

In an interview a little while ago, Bill mentioned that either right before he was done or immediately after he wrapped on IT, he had nightmares for a little while. And that really stuck with me, I don’t know why but it did (almost made up for his “I’ve had pets growing up but I don’t know I never got attached to any of them.” Bitch w h a t)

In any case, Bill being a little caught up in the head of the character he’s portraying and needing tiger to kind of help break him out of it is one of my favourite concepts. I run my mouth to hell and back about how much Bill supports her, how grounded he keeps her, how safe and loved he makes her feel--but she is every bit his anchor, too. She’s the only one who can get through to him when no one else can. She’s the only one who can pull him out if he’s in too deep. And she does--every single time, she does. She supports him. She comforts him if he’s just a little disturbed and a little down by it all. But she also fights him, she also lets him know when he’s going too far, when he’s sinking too deep, and she doesn’t back down no matter how angry he gets. Bill isn’t always good on being called on his bullshit, sometimes it makes him incredibly defensive, shuts him down, makes him isolate himself further or get into even worse habits. His past is never far from him and while it’s not a daily battle to escape it anymore, it always rears its ugly head and the fight gets harder when his head gets messed up.

Tiger doesn’t let him get away with it. She’s not scared of him, no matter how angry he gets.

And he loves her for it. He relies on her for it, depends on her. She is his salve, his anchor, his fucking reality check when he needs one.

I don’t know much about Clark Olofsson, but I like Papa Skars’ take on it that we should all be weary of romanticizing that level of evil--so clearly the dude had some shit going on. And it’s not everything that gets to Bill--over the years, his career has help him build a thick skin. Sometimes playing off the wall characters like Pennywise is the easier option, because those characters aren’t real. Nothing about them is real, everything is so exaggerated.

But playing a human being who is so tortured, who purposely inflicts so much pain on other people--that’s the kind of stuff that messes with his head. Whether or not the character is a real person that exists or not, playing someone deeply disturbed yet somehow relatable, somebody on the edges of sanity that we can all somehow still see ourselves in--that’s the kind of suff that fucks him up. That’s what gets him in too deep, until his own personality and his own demons come way too close to the surface.

Maybe he notices that he’s a little too down, a little too out of it, and he calls her. But I actually much prefer the concept that tiger notices. She notices on his phone calls, on his face times. She notices in the edge that his voice has taken on his uncharacteristic lack of patience. She notices that every time he calls her, he’s smoking--and Bill chain-smokes when something is wrong. She’s noticing a set in his jaw, a hardness in his eyes a nonchalance and coldness in his attitude that is just not gonna fly. So she books a ticket, and she heads out to him.

Maybe it’s a fight--maybe he resists, tells her she shouldn’t have, that he’s busy. Hell maybe he even gets a little mean and tells her that she’s just stressing him out more now--but tiger doesn’t budge. She doesn’t back down for a second. And it doesn’t take long before he kind of cracks--tiger, to her credit, also has a gentleness about her that will always get to Bill. it will knock down whatever fucked up wall that he didn’t even realize he put up--because just being in her presence balances him. It makes him realize how deep he actually got himself.

And I low key love what you mentioned here--Bill is always her caretaker, but when her Big Dude needs it? Tiger is the alpha. She’s the one who steps up and takes over. She gets him out of the hotel room where he’s been staying for two months, and into an apartment where he can feel a bit more at home. She stocks his fridge. She cooks for him. She drags him out to a restaurant, or even one of those seedy bars they’re both such fans of. She draws him a bubble bath, and manhandles him into it when he claims he’s too busy and then she plunks between his legs, makes him hold her. I kind of love that concept--that she makes him hold her. Because she knows her Big Dude, and he’s in there somewhere, and a little part of him, his protective side, will always flare up when she folds into his arms.

So that’s what she does, to bring him back. Every single chance she gets, she crowds his space, squeezes him, wraps his arms around her. Maybe she worries enough that she just sets up camp with him for the entire shoot--because hell she’s working remotely anyway, may as well be with him.

Ugh, sweet nani, I have a very special place in my heart for caretaker tiger.

#bill skarsgard #bill skarsgard drabble #BFF!Bill

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madlilsongbird · 3 years ago

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Watching The Amazing Spidernan movies so that I’m all caught up before No Way Home. Will add my thoughts as I have them. Note I am not some big Spider-Man fan nor have I read the comics so if my thoughts sound kinda stupid they probably are.

First movie:

That’s a good trick with the broom. Making a mental note as we speak.

Actually seeing Peter say goodbye to his parents is horrible and I would like to never experience it again

SALLY FIELD IS AUNT MAY?! Why does this one have the good cast? (not good as in better but good as in more well known)

The sexual tension in “good morning flash…good morning Peter” (this is a joke I’m not shipping him with his bully)

Jesus roid rage much?

Shut your blinds! I don’t know who would be looking in your window at this exact moment but close them anyway!

First careful, you never know who is watching what you search (when did I become this person)

Second…curt connors is ableist.

Poor Rodrigo Guevara

Oh internalised ableism. And that is the only comment I will make going forward because my disabilities do not include limb difference and I dont want to overstep.

Stop following the man, you are not subtle…wait wtf how’d he do that?!

This is where he gets his powers right?

Okay but when would 5 men make that much of a fuss over a woman that only 1 of them seems to know?

Same. (This is in reference to smashing the alarm clock)

Oh my god is it really necessary to show all the different kinds of spider bites.

Actually just going back to the internalised ableism thing…he is allowed to feel whatever type of way about his own disability that is his right. But insinuating that all disabled people are weak and wanting to breed out the weakness is eugenics and just kinda gross. THIS is the final comment I will make on the matter.

No but seriously he is way more aggressive than regular teen boy aggressive so either he’s on something or he’s overcompensating for something

The way he looks at him doe (again all jokes am not shipping flash and Peter)

Why is this so awkward? And not like teens navigating a crush awkward just genuinely awkward. I feel no chemistry between them.

I like the song, it’s an interesting choice for this scene but I like it.

Stop does uncle Ben die now? Like I know uncle Ben dies at some point but I was really kinda hoping he just wouldn’t in this iteration. I was going for a ninth doctor moment “just this once everybody lives”

MOTHERFUCKER

God Sally is incredible

Don’t show me moments of Flash being human I might accidentally start shipping them for real and that simply can’t happen.

Oooh he’s a fashion designer

I just really enjoy how he takes the piss out of his victims? Arrests?

Is Gwen aware that the school nurse can’t cure everything? Both legally and just like generally doesn’t have the knowledge to cure everything. She suggests going to the nurse a lot.

This family gives me bad vibes

This is a long movie…it’s not even half way through

Well that’s one way to tell her

NOT GEORGE FOYET!

I think with what I remember of SpiderTobey and what I know of SpiderTom, Andrews Spider-Man is definitely better with the people he’s rescuing. Smoother, good bedside manner.

His sons name is Jack. Why does that make me angry?

So he’s just not gonna rescue the other people hanging off the bridge?

It’s almost poetic that the son of the man tried to stop him the first time will be the one to stop him now

Now how is he getting enough power in the sewer

No means no Peter

Does she die in this one or the next one? I don’t imagine her dying will help captain stacey see him as a good guy

Stan 🥺

This movie is exhausting and I don’t know if I mean that in a good way or a bad way.

MoThEr HuBbArD aRe YoU sErIoUs

He managed to get three whole words out and you didn’t think to ease up on the trigger a little to hear what those words might be?

She’s very clever and I will be sad to see her go

That wasn’t her scream. Or it was but from a different take.

Foyet about to be coming in clutch

I’m going to cry.

He’s so ugly. Some lizards are really cute but lizard + human, kinda gross looking.

Well shit. I didn’t know that happened. I guess what I said about him being upset with Peter about Gwen is irrelevant. Unless it isn’t, like if you believe in the afterlife, imagine how pissed he’s gonna be when Gwen arrives.

He finally got the eggs 🥺

As someone who’s boyfriend at the time didn’t go to her fathers funeral I feel ya Gwen. I mean I don’t care now but at the time it sucked.

Dr Connors was just in a silly goofy mood. He seems to show genuine care for the boy (this is mostly sarcasm).

Second movie

Oh we’re going back to peters dad.

How do they have access to a private jet?

Miss Honey is badass

Ngl I’m actually quite relieved they both died before the plane crashed. Stil devastating though.

Okay so this is first up on the list of potential mystery villains in No Way Home…he looks like a tool.

HeLLo PeDeStRiAnS

He really just let Spider-Man put his hand on his tongue. Sir do you know where his hand has been? Not to mention just in general the feeling of spandex on your tongue. I feel ill.

No respect for the proper care of plutonium.

Please don’t ever say “come to daddy” again 😂

I’m kinda sad Jamie Fox becomes a villain, his character seems kinda sweet so far from the 2 seconds I’ve seen of him

You mean to tell me he missed his girlfriend’s fathers funeral AND her valedictorian speech?!

Stan x2 🥺

Because you can’t lose me you’re going to lose me? 😂

I love her jacket

Why are they still pretending like she doesn’t know?

I may have spoken to soon about Max

See I would be speeding up daddy’s death if he told me he’d passed down a genetic disease and just decided not to tell me.

Friendship.

Okay max is still a little bit nutty but you gotta feel bad for the guy. He must’ve been so scared.

Don’t smile that’s not cute, if he was a regular boy you’d file a restraining order.

Oh I see Spider-Man is gonna fight him which will make him turn and become the “bad guy” whether he will actually be a bad guy is still unknown.

This scene is actually kinda just making me angry (the time square scene)

Cops suck man. Peter was talking him down just fine.

Did nobody teach these people not to touch metal when there’s electricity about.

Interesting that I didn’t pick up any chemistry from them in the first movie weren’t they an actual couple for a while?

Another good song with an interesting placement

I’m sorry did the caller ID not say Mary Parker? How was it Harry on the phone?

Run Gwen!

This version of Harry is kinda creepy I’m sure the actor is swell but the character is terrifying. Original version Harry was swell whereas the actor is…

“Maybe everyone has a part of themselves they hide” gives him the eye

This movies shorter or at least it feels shorter

An excellent show of what happens when you tell a rich daddy’s boy no for the first time.

This makes me very sad. She’s so excited for the possibility of Oxford.

As much as Harry disturbs me, I want him to burn his entire team.

His daddy really did love him!

I think it’s mostly his eyes, his behaviour can be explained by trauma (why I find Harry creepy)

Okay most of his behaviour. The taking joy in killing people that’s just him being nutty and not a trauma response.

This is fucked up. And where is Peter? he is off chasing a girl who has broken up with him twice now.

PLANES NEED THE POWER!

I really like SpiderAndrew, the movies are fine but as a character I thoroughly enjoy him

Sorcerers apprentice who?

Captain Stacy can’t blame him! She’s clearly stubborn as hell and her own free woman

I quite literally stopped breathing (in reference to the almost plane crash)

Is this why they made it Gwen and not MJ so that he could kill her and be an actual bad guy? From my little knowledge of the comics and what I’ve seen from the movies Harry would never hurt MJ so it had to be someone else important to Peter but not super important to him for him to a real bad guy

I like that Harry actually looks like a goblin.

What was the disease he’s supposed to have?

This poor family. I know I said they gave me bad vibes in the first movie but nobody deserves this.

He looks less like a tool with his suit on…but only slightly less

Baby you better get back behind that baracade!

Nobody talk to me I’m very emotional. This child looks very much like a magical mix of all 3 of my brothers put together and seeing him stand there so brave but so scared is doing something to me.

Final thoughts:

So I think SpiderAndrew might be a close second favourite for me. I like the relationships of the original the most, the comedy of the mcu version the most but this one was like a nice in between. Im a little disappointed there won’t be a third not cos I think I would have enjoyed it just cos the original had 3 movies, the mcu version will have at least 3 movies and this one is left out with 2. Don’t think I would have loved Shailene Woodley as MJ though so I dunno. I think the only thing I would have wanted from a third movie is to know who fedora guy is…and for Peter and May to acknowledge that they both know that he is Spider-Man. Apart from that it was fine and I now feel fully prepared for No Way Home.

#the amazing spider man #the amazing spider man 2 #the amazing Spider-Man #the amazing Spider-Man 2 #the amazing spider man spoilers #andrew garfield #emma stone #sally field #criminal minds #george foyet #spider man no way home

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baya-ni · 3 years ago

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Hi I don’t know if you’re still invested in sk8 but I wanted to ask your opinion on Adam and his relationship with Tadashi after ep12 (not in a ship way, just their feelings and interactions in general). I’m only here because someone’s been trying to pick a fight and pointing to your meta, so I read them (and I think there’s merit to them) but they’re all pre ep12. So if you don’t mind, did ep12 change your opinion on anything and why/why not?

Feel free to ignore this if you don’t feel like answering and have a nice day!

Gosh, it's been long time since I've thought about Sk8. As is probably obvious from my meta, I was writing about the show as the episodes were airing, so without that 'big picture' perspective after the finale, a lot of my first impressions and theories about where the show was going turned out to be wrong.

So, have my opinions about Adam and Tadashi changed since ep12? Yes, big time. Mainly, I've learned to just chill the fuck out.

I've taken the opportunity to read through most of your #clownon masterlist and it's been very enlightening. My personal favorite is the BPD analysis, which makes sooo much sense for ADAM. And I also liked your ask responses regarding consent, how ADAM seeks enthusiastic participation from the other party (whether that be Tadashi or Langa), and how his insults and degradation towards Tadashi are a misguided attempt at provoking that participation.

I don't hate ADAM anymore, nor his relationship with Tadashi. I'm a bit disappointed with the way the season ended in regards to these two, mainly because I thought it was rushed and I would've liked to see where the showrunners would have taken their relationship had they been given more episodes to do so. I still think their relationship is pretty disturbed and definitely not one people should seek to emulate in real life, but it's very complex and that's what makes it interesting to watch and analyze.

I'm still pretty proud of my analysis of ADAM and Tadashi's relationship in regards to their class imbalance, but stepping back, my analysis would only really have solid ground to stand on if the Sk8 was meant to be an angsty "somewhat realistic" romantic or political drama but it's not, it's a show about skateboarding for christs sake. I think my interpretation that ADAM preys on Tadashi's guilt is a valid one, BUT I think that your interpretation that it's ADAM's way of goading Tadashi to step up is ALSO highly plausible and a sound argument. Idk, I just think that their dynamic is fun to analyze, as long as we keep perspective and remember that these "debates" are ultimately of little consequence, because this is a work of fiction- these characters aren't real, the violence and toxic relationships aren't real, this show has no actual bearing on the real world.

But to bring this back around to your original question, what really changed my opinion towards ADAM was casting David Wald as his english dub actor, someone whose work I have deep admiration for and whose casting somewhat softened my feelings towards the character. In an interview about his interpretation of ADAM, Wald said this:

“When I was about 14 years old, I’d grown up in Texas, and I moved because my dad got a new job to Indianapolis, Indiana, and this is where I started doing theatre furiously because there was a really healthy theatre community—in Indianapolis, of all places! And that was when, you know, up to that point I had grown up a very—a little gay boy in Texas in the fucking 80s, so, like, back then we didn’t to look to at all. There were no models, there were no representatives; if I saw myself depicted in a film it was like, you know, a villain or some hitchhiker wearing a silver lamé blouse and carrying a butcher knife in his purse, right. Like that’s as good as it got, so we didn’t have models—not in film or in art or in life. And when I moved to Indianapolis, and I started doing theatre I was surrounded by some of my favorite creatures on god’s earth: the theatre queen. They were everywhere around me and they were outrageous individuals; every one of them was the queen of the stage when they were on it, and they were just so animated and so unapologetic about themselves. And so Adam is very much pulled from certain individuals of that time and place, and I think it’s one of the things I think that is sort of misunderstood about Adam is his—like everybody sort of criminalizes him about his hangup about Langa and these boys. The thing is it’s the same thing as what happened to me, fourteen-year-old Dave. Some of those theatre queens said shit to me that you would not believe, but it was kind of part of a mentoring process. They didn’t mean it, they didn’t intend to “take me home and show me the way,” but they toyed with me in this way in this way because it was sort of like they were demonstrating to me how to live an unapologetic gay life, you know. And I think there’s metaphor in there for Adam, you know, you’ve got this inference, and you’ll find it in any sports anime coming from Japan; they will sort of work this really deep closeness, this attachment between their main characters, and it’s kind of part of the sportsman journey in Japanese….there’s a lot of gay analogue in these shows, these boys coming into their own and finding out who they are…. And Adam is not perfect, and he’s certainly not an example of how to live your life, but he definitely is unapologetically himself, and he’s loudly unapologetically himself to these friends and compatriots and peers of his that share this community with him, and I think that it’s not about trying to seduce these boys, it’s about showing them ‘listen, I know what you’re hiding and it gets better.’”

And this served as a really important reminder to me that sometimes we all just need to log off Tumblr for a moment and listen to the actual real life humans to whom this show and these characters mean something. A big argument against ADAM is that the portrayal of his character is the trope-y gay coded villian, thus his character is homophobic. But here is someone telling us how much love he has put into this character, drawing from his own experiences as a gay man, and how ADAM comes from, of all places, empowerment.

So in conclusion, yes my opinion toward ADAM and Tadashi's relationship has drastically changed since the season ended. I share your frustrations with fans for oversimplifying this complex dynamic by throwing around buzzwords like "pedophile", "rapist", "abuser", etc etc etc... In that regard, I hope you're taking a lot of mental breaks from the internet, deleting mean asks, blocking people as needed, and all that good stuff.

Take care friend!

#tldr: i hav touched grass and no longer hate adam #ask

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comesassylostchild · 4 years ago

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Future Oscar Pine Character Development Theory

So within the RWBY community there has been a common criticism from both Oscar fans and those who dislike him. The criticism that he gets no development so there’s no reason to care, Even as someone who likes Oscar I can agree to this sentiment. So what if I told you there was a possibility of Oscar development right around the corner? The common complaint is that all his major character moments happen offscreen. His decision to leave home and the family he left behind His existential crisis after running away His place among the main group and their treatment of him I fully agree to the complaint here, but allow me to offer a counter argument. Oscar IS obviously important within the story, basically nearly as important to RWBY if not more so due to his connection to Ozpin and by extension the villain. The show is in a really tough area where the male protagonist holds a lot of story importance but the problem is if they focus on every opportunity where Oscar should have character development then the show ceases to be about RWBY and becomes about the male protagonist which is not good for a show starring female characters. Their only options are either to allow Oscars development to happen at each point in the story it should but end up taking the story away from the female leads making it about Oscars journey. Or they keep Oscar in the background and “not the focus” until it is time for him to have focus. We’re currently seeing development between Yang and Ruby’s relationship and Ren and Nora and Penny. Once those are handled to some extent the only ones left to focus on are Ruby and Oscar. Which brings me to my theory: Rather than having Oscar reacting to each milestone of his arc as if he were a main protagonist, I believe they are setting up for Oscar to go through a case of PTSD for his own upcoming arc. I found it odd for this to be the big faceoff with Salem with relics still missing as Oscar not doing much but playing damsel in distress. This first encounter with Oscar and Salem feels just like that, a first encounter. To give Oscar a real picture of what facing Salem is actually like. I also found it weird for the B team to be rescuing Oscar so quickly if his capture was supposed to be important and it feels off for them to just be able to rescue him and be done and over with it. So here’s the thing, I do think the B team will be able to rescue Oscar with help but I don’t think rescuing him is enough. Rather than Oscar reacting to each milestone of his arc I think the weight of everything he’s been through will finally take its toll on him. The kid just faced Salem and was completely helpless while there was a high risk of death involved. Oscar has always been able to bounce back to his normal self while pushing back his feelings, for the benefit of moving the mission forward. See how he takes a deep breath composing himself before telling Jaune he accepts his apology for yelling at him in an uncalled for way and acts like he’s accepted his role as Ozpins host when clearly in V8 he hasn’t. This could be a sign of Oscar actually ignoring his own mental and emotional health for the sake of the mission, pushing it back like its not important. Which brings me to the pieces of evidence for this theory within V8. First of all the opening, which clearly alludes to Salem’s capture of Oscar. The odd difference is Oscars clearly frightened in that clip, while in the actual show he’s clearly putting on a brave face even if he’s scared. So while this clearly is depicting his capture it could also be alluding to the way the encounter effected him after his rescue. Whether that’s nightmares, reflecting on everything that’s happened to him, questioning his decision to leave home, having a change in his behavior around everyone he knows. Its a big possibility this event could heavily effect him with the symptoms of PTSD since this was defiantly a traumatic event for him and could effect his behavior after his rescue, maybe even calling out his past treatment by the group or the situation Oz has put him in. The other two points for this come from Jaune and Ren. Ren’s abilities have now developed to be able to decipher the emotions of others. This doesn’t seem like something that could be super effective within the plot, unless you take into account Oscars tendency to say he’s fine and act like everything is okay around others even though he has a huge burden on his shoulders, and some things he’s clearly not telling the others because of his personal feelings even though he should be able to talk to his friends honestly. So what if this new ability Ren has is what allows them to see that Oscar isn’t actually okay mentally and emotionally just because he says he is, allowing them to see Oscars real emotions about everything he’s been through instead of the half truths of telling everyone he’s okay when he’s not. This also ties into Jaune’s abilities. V8 is a bit disturbing showing how brutal Oscars time of imprisonment is and I would honestly be disgusted if the show is just brutally beating up a 14-15 year old kid just for the hell of it and for a weird attempt at being “edgy”. But honestly Jaune makes Oscars beating makes sense since Jaune can boost the aura’s of others to help heal them. So it would make sense if Jaune is able to heal Oscars physical injuries with his abilities, but just because he can heal Oscars physical injuries doesn’t heal the mental and emotional pain he’s suffering due to everything he’s been through. You can heal the physical wounds but the mental and emotional ones take more time and effort. It can also tie into Oscar falling into the same trap as Ozpin, telling lies or half truths because he learned from experience that it was the easier option. Where Ozpin lost his honesty due to his trust issues, Oscar found that hiding the truth about Ozpin and telling half truths and his honest emotions helped him achieve acceptance in the group. I’m not sure if I trust the show to really do something like this but the build up and pieces are all there for Oscar to finally have a serious breakdown and shift in character after his encounter with Salem.

#rwby #oscar pine

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rpgmgames · 5 years ago

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April’s Featured Game: Nobody's Home

DEVELOPER(S): oates ENGINE: RPG Maker MV GENRE: Survival Horror SUMMARY: After a night of extreme drinking and partying, you wake up in stranger's bed to discover... Nobody's Home.

Buy the game here! Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Introduce yourself! *oates: Hi, this is oates! I'm a pixel artist and game developer, I've started making games with rpgmaker in 2016 with VX Ace and now currently using MV for recent projects. Previous projects I've worked on were the FNaF-inspired Souls-like One Night at the Steeze, my first rpgmaker game and it's prequel, the FNaF-inspired roguelike No Delivery. Other games I've worked on include the fangames Day Dreaming Derpy, made in VX Ace and Spike's Day Off, made in MV and the latest in a series of previous fangames previously developed on Adobe Flash.

What is your project about? What inspired you to create this game initially? *oates: Nobody's Home is largely based on my experiments to find and apply horrific elements in modern situations or phenomena. The scenario being explored here in Nobody's Home is the aftermath of some crazy party. Sound design is especially important when crafting a horror scenario, so I often look to music to draw inspiration. Much of the atmosphere and house design was inspired by music and imagery associated with '70s yacht rock (a sub-genre of soft rock). Another important note is a lot of the general mood and 'weirdness' was inspired by a band I listen a lot to, Dance Gavin Dance, specifically their "deathstar" album. However they have a tendency in all their albums to switch genres mid-song, often going from their post-hardcore sound to funk, pop, and even rap; aside from that, some of the subject matter covered can range from disturbing to unpleasant to nonsensical, but combined with the amazing music, it creates an experience that pulls the listener in all different directions. It got to the point that I was naming events in the game after some their tracks so I had to be careful not to inadvertently make a fangame haha But there are some easter eggs in Nobody's Home that were intentionally left in, and I'm fairly certain players have identified it already.

How long did you work on your project? *oates: I used much of the same framework left over from my previous project No Delivery for this development cycle, so the hassle for setting up asset pipelines was very much mitigated. I started in earnest, making assets back in January this year so it took roughly 2+ months to finish development for this project.

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *oates: Aside from the previous music inspirations, I was really intrigued with the way Resident Evil 7's Beginning Hour demo was able to pick up where Konami's cancelled PT left off in terms of survival horror games to look forward to back in 2017. Prior to later updates, the initial demo really only included a few set pieces, basic item interaction, and almost no puzzles from the full game. It was largely able to pull off scaring players from almost atmosphere alone (if you exclude the Jack Baker and ghost encounters). It was later in the full game that it was able to show off it's metroidvania-esque design to its fullest. After my previous project, I wanted to step away from roguelike design for a bit and focus a little more on an exploration-based experience, so I took a few notes from the way RE7 and RE2: Remake handled map design and progression.

Did you come across any challenges during development? How did you overcome or work around them? *oates: I was coming off a severe cold last year and it took most of January for me to recover, so it was a little hard to start full-on development immediately like I normally would on top of other career matters. And looking at events today, it's even more imperative that developers practice healthy habits during development.

Did any aspects of your project change over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *oates: I've had the idea for Nobody's Home as a concept for a while, but filling in those gaps with actual gameplay between centerpieces was a big variable. I went back and forth between the turn-based item combat from the previous project to cutting out combat entirely. While I didn't implement it, I also brainstormed a few concepts for overworld action and combat ala Zelda, but it seemed too complex given the time frame I set for myself. Eventually I settled on a middle ground between full combat and separate encounters, with "enemies" acting as essentially a toll gate. The rest of the game followed suit with various tolls and "mouse traps" for the player to trigger at their own behest. This wasn't necessarily the design I had in mind at first, but it helped to concisely fill a relatively small location with specifically "deadly" content.

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don’t have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *oates: I largely work solo for both development and art, but I do regularly work with a few musicians for an original soundtrack. I first started working with other composers for the fangame Day Dreaming Derpy, where after the initial demo was released, I received emails from a few musicians volunteering to contribute some tracks for the game. In all, the original soundtrack contained 9 tracks in total, with 3 tracks from each composer; each of them doing an amazing job and, in my opinion brought the project back then to a higher degree of quality. This was how I met some of the composers I still work with today and they all have some really great work! TheNGVirus @NGVirusNG1 Kaminakat @thekaminakat dRedder @HornyGremlin

What is the best part of developing a game? *oates: It's a toss up between the initial brainstorming/research and the first run-through when you have your desired maps linked together. For the brainstorming, it's pretty fun to learn about subject matter you want to do justice to as well as stretching your creative muscles for the first time in service to a certain concept. However this obviously wears off when you devote too much time to a particular concept, but it's still enjoyable nevertheless. For making that run-through, it doesn't necessarily mean to have all the events implemented, but to experience your game the way players will experience it for the first time does give a sense of completion/cohesion to what you, as a developer, are trying to accomplish. It essentially puts what you're working on into a different perspective for you.

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *oates: I do keep an eye out for what other rpgmaker projects are doing, and to see what others can do with the engine helps get the creative juices flowing; it's also fun to try to mentally reverse engineer how certain mechanics or effects were made. And it's always great to see fellow devs showcase what's possible with the engine.

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *oates: Nobody's Home has a relatively small cast of characters, whom you do interact with but never see, this is largely to done to create a sense of "un-relatability", but if I had to pick a character, it'd be "car guy", the guy you find stuck in the car. They have a good line, " ...there'd be a good reason for this, but there isn't..." Story of my life.

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *oates: There were a few areas I would have liked to expand on or add, specifically- the attic + roof, the front lawn, behind the walls, and an entire second floor. Unfortunately that meant potentially adding more questlines and NPCs while the first set of questlines were pretty interwoven so it would have been way more complex, also again, given the time frame I set, it would have extended the development cycle way beyond what I had time for. But if I had implemented those extra areas, the game's length would also go way beyond the 30 min - 1 hr it takes to complete the game as it is now.

Do you plan to explore the game’s universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *oates: I'd like to do both really, each installment of the VCRPG line of games is definitely a stand-alone story, or an isolated incident, but I would love to explore the aftermath of the game's events and how the passage of time ravages and twists the story into urban legend. I like to treat places and environments like characters as well, capable of making memories, being misunderstood, preserved, destroyed, and ultimately capable of change.

What do you most look forward to upon finishing the game? *oates: Both the fan reaction and free time honestly speaking. Once the development cycle finishes and the game is published, your work isn't really finished as there's always a chance someone's feedback can apply to immediate changes or patches you can implement, even during the release period. Marketing is also another large step to take into consideration after release, this includes tweeting, sending keys for lets plays, etc. Watching playthroughs is also a really good way to collect data on what parts of your design fall through and what fail to land. But after all that is said and done, some free time really helps the brain recuperate.

Was there something you were afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game? *oates: Just whether or not I handled the game's subject matter tastefully. Like horror cinema, everything done is in service the the themes and message of the piece as a whole.

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *oates: The game engine is essentially a tool, and like any tool you can find plenty of creative ways to get the same result. And don't be afraid to research whatever it is you need help with, it also helps to be specific with what you want.

Question from last month's featured dev @moca-pz: If you can collaborate with any game developer in the world, who would it be? What would be their role(s) and what would be your role(s)? *oates: Game developer I'd like to work with: Hidetaka Miyazaki His role: Story Lead and Director My role: Drinking buddy Game we're working on: SciFi Souls

We mods would like to thank oates for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved!

Remember to check out Nobody's Home if you haven’t already! See you next month!

- Mods Gold & Platinum

#rpg maker #nobody's home (game)#nobodys home #nobody's home #game #rpgmaker horror #pixel horror #horror game #indie game #gotm #game of the month #oates #gotm 2020 #2020 #april #april 2020

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travllingbunny · 4 years ago

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The 100 7x11 Etherea

This is the episode we’ve been waiting for this whole season - and while I don’t think it’s the best episode of the season, it is certainly the most exciting one. It would be that just the fact that Bellamy is finally back on screen (and not just for a couple of minutes, but for an entire episode fully focused on him), and it was great to see him and have an episode fully devoted to him, and remember once again what an amazing actor Bob is and the presence and intensity he brings to the show. But it also turned out to be the first episode of season 7 that is a genuine game changer and that shocked the viewers with a twist that wasn’t entirely predictable.

Even though the fandom had been speculating on the so-called brainwashed Bellamy or “void Bellamy” or generally Bellamy that is for some reason the (temporary) enemy of Clarke, Octavia and the rest of the protagonists, and hoping for that storyline, with a Mockingjay-like possibilities for romantic angst between him and Clarke (especially after a photo of Bellamy in the white robe leaked early in the year, months before the season even started to air), the way it happened seems to have upset many of the fans )to quote a podcaster, “I was hoping for a brainwashed Bellamy, but not like this”). Probably because the show has Bellamy retain agency in his transformation and that it is indoctrination into a cult be more like real life and partially rooted in Bellamy’s own emotional issues, beliefs and needs, rather than taking the easier route of having him be Sci-Fi brainwashed, Winter Soldier style.

That said, I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about this episode and how good I think it is. The first half of the episode, Bellamy was very much himself, and it was focused on survival and trying to get off the planet, and the dynamic between him and Conductor Doucette - throughout the episode - seems to play into the familiar trope of two enemies, or people of opposing views, who have to spend time together, gets to argue, survive together, and eventually bond as fellow humans. This story would not be particularly interesting - not only have we seen it many times, but it feels redundant for Bellamy, who has learned to see the POV of his enemies, bond with them and see the common humanity in them, many seasons ago. It also would not have been interesting if Bellamy managed to change Doucette’s beliefs - which the audience already thinks are rubbish - as this wouldn’t tell us anything new about Bellamy and would only give development to Doucette.

But instead, what was really happening throughout this episode, under the guise of bonding with the enemy, was Bellamy’s spiritual journey - aka his indoctrination into Cadogan’s cult. The crucial part of it happens not just to his exhaustion and desperation in tough circumstances, or his companion offering him faith as a solution, but through something Bellamy actually sees in the cave, and his own visions a little later. This is where the episode becomes a lot more interesting - and also a lot more frustrating. I don’t think I’ll be sure how I feel about this until I see the rest of the season, and learn how some things from this episode are explained or followed up on. In particular, the explanation (or lack of it?) for Bellamy’s visions in this episode will pretty much determine what course the show is taking in its final season and what it is trying to be.

Whatever the explanation, the end result - which we see after Bellamy returns to Bardo - is disturbing and painful to watch. It is something we have never seen before - Bellamy himself trying to enforce a total abnegation of everything Bellamy Blake is. Which includes willingly repressing his feelings for his loved ones to the point of betraying them (and results in the most painful Bellarke reunion ever, and one of the most painful reunions of the Blake siblings). I don’t know if I’m fully buying such a huge transformation - which is one of my problems with the episode. But this is certainly quality angst, and means that the season has become much more exciting to watch.

Is it weird that such a big twist happens in episode 11, out of 16 episodes, after 10 episodes that have been mostly setup for the big plot? Yes, just like it is weird that Bellamy has been MIA before this. BTS reasons obviously affected this season a lot - if it hadn’t been for them, I think we’d have a similar storyline, but this would have happened much earlier in the season. Are 5 episodes enough to resolve this in a satisfactory way? Well, it’s certainly enough to resolve it - this is a show that has characters go from hate to love over the course of 5 episodes, has characters hook up/fall for each other after knowing each other for 2-3 episodes, the show that showed Hope’s entire 10-year relationship with her father figure in a 7 minute scene, and the show that just had this massive character transformation happen over one episode. Will it feel satisfactory and convincing - it could, if it’s well-written and if the show doesn’t waste too much time on the Sanctum plot and fully focuses on its two main characters now that one of them is finally back.

Starting from the beginning - this time, its Bob saying “Previously on”, in line with this season having different cast members saying those opening words in different episodes (Eliza in 7x01, Marie in 7x02, Luisa in 7x03, there was no previously on in 7x04, Marie in 7x05, Lindsey in 7x06, Richard in 7x07, no previously on in 7x08, Eliza in 7x09 and 7x10 - it’s a bit surprising that Eliza said it in episode 9 even though she wasn’t in it at all, but otherwise those fit characters that were strongly featured in the episode in question).

We also get yet another version of the opening titles - which start and finish with a shot of the Anomaly. Earth again makes a cameo near the end, just as it did in 7x10, though it’s in the shadow now so can’t be seen as clearly.

While 90% of the episode takes place on Etherea, it opens and ends on Bardo. The opening scene is the only one not featuring Bellamy - apart from a replayed memory. We learn that the MCap machine was damaged by Echo, and is only now operational again. Finally, a good explanation why the Disciples did not put Echo, Diyoza or Octavia - again - in MCap after they agreed to cooperate. Levitt is using it on one of the Disciples who were in the Stone Room during the explosion. I guess he was still recovering a week after, and now they are presumably trying to help him, since - as the other Conductor tells Levitt - he is suffering from PTSD. Hey, isn’t that the first time anyone has mentioned that word on the show? At least the Disciples have kept the knowledge about mental health issues, even if their ways of dealing with it are questionable at best. We learn that no one is being punished, not even for killing Anders, as the other conductor says. (Not even? Does she think that’s worse than attempted genocide? Hope didn’t even back down from it as Echo eventually did, and the two Disciples Anders called witnessed it. The Conductor may think that the consequence is more important than intent... But even so, she clearly thinks Anders’ life was more important than those of two other Disciples, who were murdered by Echo as a part of her torturing Levitt. I guess that “For all mankind” thing doesn’t mean you consider all of the people, or even all of the Disciples, equal...)

Levitt finds out what 99% of the audience was sure of anyway and goes “He’s alive!” Surprise, surprise. But Levitt, shouldn’t you say “They are alive?”? Knowing Levitt’s attachment to Octavia, he is talking about Bellamy, not about one of his colleagues, Conductor Doucette, who was also presumed dead. (Doucette, not Douchette - even though the latter would make for a good joke.)

Let’s think about why this scene exists (apart from being used as a sneak peek). Obviously it was full of exposition, but why was it important for Levitt to find out that Bellamy is alive at the same time as we learn about it? We could have just seen Bellamy falling through the Bridge to the planet of Etherea. I suppose the purpose is dual: 1) to learn that the Disciples indeed did not know Bellamy was alive and on Etherea, 2) to learn that Cadogan knew Bellamy was alive an on Etherea, at least a few hours to a day before his return, which may be important for the events of this episode.

One of the questions the fandom has been debating is, did Anders intentionally send Bellamy to Etherea to be indoctrinated? Since 7x05, I have believed that Bellamy was on Etherea, and my initial reading of the scene was that Anders made the decision to send him there - and that this was why Doucette started to beg him: “Please, sir, no”, as he wasn’t happy to be stranded there. Then I started second-guessing it, because it became increasingly obvious that Anders was dumb as a brick and unable to come up with any smart plans how to brainwash people (as we saw with HEDO - he just threatened them into compliance instead of trying to really change their minds). Now I think that sending people to Etherea may be a standard practice that Disciples do on very special occasions when they want to send someone on a spiritual journey/pilgrimage/true brainwashing that they can’t come back until they make a ‘leap of faith” (just like they use Skyring as a standard prison). Maybe this is not even something that most Disciples know, but info only reserved for Level 12s or even Level 13s. But the grenade attack was real and made Anders believe Bellamy was dead and the plan was off - as there is no reason to believe that anything before Bellamy’s last day in the cave was manipulated from Bardo.

However, that last day - with Bellamy’s visions - could have been, and it happened around the same time Cadogan would have found out from Levitt that Bellamy was alive and on Etherea. There seems to be no time differential (or too small a differential to matter) between Etherea and Bardo - just like there seems to be none between Earth and Sanctum, since Bellamy and Doucette retained their memories going from Bardo to Etherea and back, both times without a protective helmet.

Etherea, the planet

The promo for this episode made the planet look much worse and less survivable than it really seems to be. Apart from the grey filter* that the show is using to make it look worse and kind of drab and gloomy, it seems to be a perfectly nice planet, with vegetation and an OK climate - as long as you are not trying to get off the planet through the Anomaly and climbing the extremely high mountain to reach the Anomaly Stone. It’s funny that, aside from Nakara, every other planet connected by the Anomaly has better living conditions than Bardo. The Disciples obviously use Bardo just because of the facilities they’ve found there. But Skyring is a really lovely planet - its only problem is the time differential from the other habitable planets, but that would not be a problem if a big group of people just decided to live there and start a community. Sanctum is lovely, too - well, except for red sun toxin and killer insects and meat-eating trees. (Why have the Disciples mostly ignored it? Is it because of those things, or maybe they didn’t want to mix with the Primes and other Sanctumites? Or they just didn’t see a use for it?) And Etherea is another problem where people could decide to live, if they gave up going to other planets.

*The show uses different filters to make the woods around Vancouver look like different planets:

Sanctum - bright colors, lots of red during day, purple at night

Skyring - blue filter (nice planet)

Nakara - blue filter (frozen planet)

Etherea - grey filter

Earth - normal, except in S5 everywhere outside Eden - greyish yellow filter for a desolated post-Praimfaya Earth

But of course, Bellamy is definitely not interested in staying there and only wants to find a way off this planet, and Doucette, unlike Orlando, is neither serving a sentence he wants to see to the end nor is expecting the Disciples to send a team to retrieve him. This is another one of the “just two three four people on the planet” episodes, but this stay is just a few months rather than years, and spent in much harsher and most exhausting conditions during most of that time - because Bellamy never stops trying to get off the planet. There are parallels and strong contrasts to every one of those other situations:

Eden - The first few months of Clarke’s experience surviving on the desolated Earth parallel Bellamy’s months on the mountain - surviving in tough conditions (extreme heat in Clarke’s case vs extreme cold in Bellamy’s), physically and mentally exhausted to the point of breaking. There are even visually parallel shots of both of them walking with a stick or eating bugs. But the big differences are: after trying and failing to get in the bunker and after the Temple collapsed, Clarke had no way of getting off the planet or out of her current situation and reuniting with any of her loved ones. She could only survive and wait. She was all alone and only talking to Bellamy, who wasn’t there, to keep herself sane. Bellamy, OTOH, was actively trying to get off the planet and reach his loved ones all that time, and he had a companion - another adult with strong beliefs, who he talked to and who did his best to indoctrinate him. After those first few months, Clarke found Eden and met Madi, and the rest of her (mostly off-screen) life on Earth during the next 6 years was much more similar to Octavia’s life with Diyoza and Hope on Skyring.

The Garden - Unlike Bellamy, Octavia lived in a beautiful place and with someone who was already her friend and a child she came to look after, finding family she loved (rather than faith and abstract “love for all mankind”). Like Bellamy, Octavia kept trying to get off the planet and reach her sibling and her friends, which was equally difficult for a different reason, as the Anomaly entrance was deep under water (unlike Bellamy, she wouldn’t have actually able to leave the planet as she didn’t have a Conductor or codes for the Stone - but she didn’t know she needed them) - for 6 years, before she eventually gave up and settled for her peaceful life for the next 4 years and sending Bellamy a letter.

Hesperides - Like Bellamy, Echo, Gabriel and Hope wanted to get off the planet and reach their friends/family, but unlike Bellamy, they couldn’t get the codes and had to wait for 5 years, and, unlike him, they lived in lovely place. Like Bellamy, they had a devout Disciple as a companion, but there were three of them, which made it more difficult for him to indoctrinate them, no matter how much he wanted to make them Disciples, and they were the ones trying to manipulate him. They developed a friendship with him, as Bellamy did with Doucette, but while Bellamy saved Doucette when he didn’t have to anymore, Echo betrayed him and left him as expendable, and the other two eventually went along with it.

But Etherea is not just another planet for the Disciples - it is notable for what can be found in a cave on the way to the top of the mountain, which Cadogan apparently looked for and found, as a part of his pilgrimage - his own “40 days in a desert” - because, of course, he sees himself as a messiah (and, as we saw in 7x09, this is an important thing in the Bardo religion and something children are taught about in school).

Bellamy immediately learns all about Cadogan’s teachings - everything the rest of the characters took several episodes to learn about - by reading his book (”pocket propaganda from another false god”) and immediately pokes holes in it. He makes all the good points and lists most of the reasons why the Disciple faith makes no sense, including the fact that it makes no sense to be fighting for peace and end of violence by waging another war. Everything he says in the first half of the episode are things I would completely agree with. Which makes it all the more frustrating when he starts ignoring his own reasonable arguments by the end of this episode. One might say that the Disciple propaganda attacks both his heart - using his desire to find peace, an end to all the struggle and pain, and eventually, his love and memory of his mother, to ignore what his head is telling him - but they also eventually attack his head, by presenting what seems like actual physical evidence, and the end result is to ignore not just the rational objections he had, but also try to suppress his love for the most important individual people in his life.

He lists the people he loves - “Octavia, Echo, Clarke” - which is the first time Bellamy himself has used the word love for the latter two (and in fact, for anyone other than Octavia). BTW, notice that no one in the show has ever used the word “girlfriend/boyfriend” except Diyoza (when this was what she assumed Clarke was to Bellamy)? Maybe these words have fallen out of use in the post-apocalypse societies. The main characters usually talk about their “friends” or “family” (the latter not always being biological). Doucette later talks of "your family, your friends” and “your obsession with your sister and your friends” - where Echo and Clarke are both lumped into this category. Echo is not singled out as “your girlfriend” or in any other way.

Here’s the thing about Bellamy’s and Doucette’s dynamic: if this story wasn’t really about indoctrinating Bellamy, there really wouldn’t be anything there we didn’t know about Bellamy before. Of course he wouldn’t kill this random Disciple guy if he didn’t have to - and, in spite of what he tells Doucette at the start, it’s not just because he needed him to survive. Bellamy learning to see the humanity of his enemies and working with them and bonding with them is something we have seen many times: at first with Clarke, then with Lincoln, Indra, the Grounders, Kane, Echo. All the way back in season 2, he valued human lives, even from the enemy side: he opposed Murphy’s idea of killing the captive Grounder thief (while Finn summarily killed him), he angrily said he’d kill everyone in Mount Weather but then tried his best for that not to happen, after seeing the children there; even during his Pike-supporting days, he tried to persuade Pike and the others to spare the wounded Grounder warriors, in season 4 he talked Riley down from trying to assassinate Roan, and in season 5, he refused to kill the cryo frozen Eligius prisoners, and later convinced Madi to spare the Eligius convicts who were their PoW. And while Bellamy has been motivated, most of all, by personal love (particularly for his sister and Clarke), we’ve seen him save many people, including strangers or near strangers. That speech Doucette gave him about “loving all mankind” is something season 1 Bellamy needed to hear, the one who was focused just on Octavia and then just on her and the Delinquents, but Bellamy has had a massive character development since. Bellamy knows more about loving all mankind than Doucette or any of the Disciples do. Doucette says he “loves all mankind” including a total stranger - well, dude, didn’t you try to kill Bellamy at first? And the rest of what we’ve seen from Disciples is much worse. They talked the talk, but don’t walk the walk, unless they think kidnapping and torturing people and trying to break their spirit is “love”, And Anders definitely showed that he did not “love all the mankind” when he ordered a hit on Hope, or when he gave that speech in 7x10 about what disgusting “wild beats” all these non-Disciples were.

But unlike Anders, Doucette can talk in a convincing way and make decent arguments in favor of his faith to non-believers, rather than just preaching to the converted - or at least, he can appear to give decent arguments. He’s taking a page from The 100 fandom with the argument that Bellamy is so selfish and egotistical for... loving his sister and his friends and constantly fighting and sacrificing himself for them. (The 100 fandom loves making that same argument about Clarke.) Quite a skill, to make such BS argument sound convincing. He basically gives Bellamy a version of the “Love is weakness” advice - in this case, that “love is selfish” and leads to destruction and pain. And when Bellamy asks the rhetorical question, if that means that you shouldn’t love anyone - Doucette turns it around and talks of love for all mankind. But that “love” he speaks of is abstract and fake - it is impossible to love everyone. You cannot love total strangers, or people you simply don’t like - certainly not the same as you love your lover or friend or family member. You can, however, be compassionate, and value human lives,.Which is, in fact, something the Disciples don’t do, as we’ve seen on Bardo (but Bellamy has not seen it yet) - they just value lives as more soldiers for the cause. Their “humanity” is abstract - they are ready to sacrifice individuals for it (everyone except the Shepherd). Bellamy, on the other hand, has always been about valuing individual lives and saving them - be it Mel on season 2, or the slaves in season - and he managed to do it while also loving his sister and his friends. The Disciples and Doucette’s arguments present a false dichotomy. But, unfortunately, Bellamy still has deep guilt and self-loathing that he never fully resolved (even in season 6, he still talked about his many sins in 6x04), and he’s tired by always having to fight another war for survival, just to followed by another. (Which is similar to Clarke’s misgivings in 7x03: “I’m afraid that fighting is not what we do, it’s what we are” and Raven’s and Clarke’s conversation about guilt over having killed so many people.) The only time he didn’t have to always worry and/or fight were the years on the Ring, but he was still grieving Clarke and missing Octavia and motivated by going back down to reunite with her He knows what he’s capable of doing out of love - and he also has unresolved issues with the women he loves. In season 4, he lamented how pathetic he was coming back to his sister when she kept treating him badly, and in the 7x07 Ring flashback, he thought his love for his sister was his “weakness”. He’s certainly been hurt by her, finally rejected her and then later got to reunite with her, get an apology and forgive and make up with her. He and Clarke have also certainly hurt each other and forgiven each other, and that relationship is still unresolved. Bellamy himself admitted to Jo!Clarke in 6x09 that he was exhausted by their ups and downs and lack of resolution. And Echo... well, he should know exactly where he stands with her, but he didn’t seem happy about their relationship and seemed to want her to be Clarke someone else.

I can see why Bellamy started to envy Doucette his emotional calm that his faith and worldview seemed to bring him.

We got another Pike mention in this ep (and again, it was a reference to his positive role - as a teacher of Earth skills). The last time Bellamy made it was in 6x07 when he found out Clarke was alive. Pike was also a father figure to Bellamy - just like Kane, and now Cadogan. Bellamy has been called both a King and a Knight. Some of his biggest mistakes were when he chose to trust in a leader/father figure (the last time, it was Pike - who was, however, very different from Cadogan and his views on the opposite side the spectrum from Bill’s), and ALIE!Raven thought that one of the ways she could try to taunt him and erode his confidence was to call him a follower rather than a leader. Only she tried to convince him that he was in subjugated position to Clarke - which IMO was never true. They have always had an equal relationship (except when external circumstances made it otherwise - see, Kane and the adults taking the power away from Bellamy, while Clarke was able to take it back from Abby mostly because she was backed up by the Grounder Commander), and Clarke was the one who always tried to boost Bellamy’s confidence in his abilities as a leader. He was definitely a leader of his people in season 5 and season 6, and he works best as co-leader with Clarke (and vice versa). But even when Bellamy supported Clarke, he was questioning his decisions, even though he was rarely able to change Pike’s mind - he wasn’t blindly obeying and accepting everything, as he would have to with the Disciples.

Another factor in Bellamy’s transformation is of course the fact that he spent months in the cave - to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. Every time he and Doucette would climb the mountain, the peak where the Stone was would turn out to be even higher. Bellamy himself used two of the Greek myths to describe the task - Sisyphus and Icarus. A pointless task that results in having to do everything all over again (just like what he said about having to always fight another war), and a dangerous task likely to destroy you.

Bellamy was still insisting on reason over faith - “I believe in what I can prove” - but then he got to see the beings of light, as “proof”..

And here we come to the more interesting part of this ep and something that the show may or may not explain. I’m pretty skeptical about Cadogan’s views of what these beings are. How do we know that they have really “transcended” and become eternal or whatever, living on some kind of higher plane? No one has communicated with them, or have they? They are aliens, from our POV. Maybe that’s their natural state? Maybe they’re dead and this is just what remains of them? Maybe they died in a similar catastrophe as the Bardoans but one that was more about fire than ice, as Selina hypothesized in her review)? Maybe they are in agony? Sure, they look beautiful to human eyes, and fit the human culture’s idea of what spirituality and transcendence is like - but you can’t know that for sure. The frozen crystal giants on Bardo also look beautiful, after all, and that entire species died horribly

And then the second “otherworldly” thing happens after Bellamy finally agreed to prey - and he has a vision, involving Cadogan as his spiritual guide, leading him from a place full of weapons - swords and guns - to the place where he sees his dead mother, Aurora. It’s a beautiful and emotional scene, and I can’t imagine all the things Bellamy is feeling as she touches his face - including, probably, more unresolved guilt - over getting his mother executed (because he loved his sister and tried to make her happy). Aurora tells him Go to the light, Bellamy” and he looks at the figures of light - but we don’t learn what, if anything, he saw there .

I hope we learn that Bellamy saw something important - maybe something connected to the Judgment Day Becca talked about - that would explain the extent of his conversion, although it seems that it is mostly supposed to be a consequence of the fact that the storm stopped at the moment when he chose to prey.

The final step in his ‘spiritual journey’ is after that, when he barely managed to reach the top. After repeating the mantra “I am not afraid” (something else from the Blakes’ childhood - the same line Octavia was repeating on Bardo to resist the Conductors), he admits to himself “I am afraid”. In retrospect, a sign that he was broken, and started feeling that his past and his family were not enough to give him strength and faith. The jump from the top was described as a “leap of faith” by Doucette - which is kind of ridiculous, since it had nothing to do with faith, just with the fact that Cadogan was there and knew how the Anomaly worked, and the fact he was able to climb the mountain and leave is proof that the Anomaly worked properly.

(I wonder why the heck the Anomaly works so differently on different planets - in some cases you can enter the Anomaly right next to the Stone when you’re leaving the planet, and in others, you have to go back to the original entrance that’s somewhere else.)

Now, the visions may be explained in several different ways:

hallucinations - earlier, Bellamy found a family photo and recognized Cadogan, and he would know how Conductors and high ranking Disciples dress, he’s seen the white robe on Anders and Doucette

everything in the cave is real, and Cadogan has some sort of a telepathic connection to the cave (the true believer’s interpretation)

the brain implant/hive mind theory (by Selina again - I don’t believe in this one as there has been no evidence of it so far)

projections/hologram - see Jean’s theory that Cadogan used the hologram technology to project images of himself and Aurora (whose image is familiar to the Disciples from Octavia’s memories)

a combination of some of the above - the beings of light may be real, and Cadogan may have stumbled onto something but has again misinterpreted what it was all about; Bellamy’s vision of Cadogan was a hallucination or projection, but he also did see something real when his mother (again, possible hallucination or unexplained spiritual phenomenon) told him to look into the light.

It’s possible that the show will never fully explain what really happened here, just as Murphy’s vision of hell has never been explained.

The reunion

Up until this point, the episode doesn’t seem to show a seriously disturbing turn in Bellamy: we saw that he was starting to take the Disciples’ faith seriously and even to believe in it, and the first thing he does when turning up in the Stone Room on Bardo is look happy and relieved he made it, and hug an equally happy Doucette. So, he made a friend among the Disciples and will be the one telling Clarke and the rest: “We should take this seriously, they have a point, here is what I saw on Etherea...” - right? That would make perfect sense while not fundamentally changing who Bellamy is.

But no! Bellamy falls to his knees and calls Cadogan “My Shepherd” - which was one of the most painful scenes for me to see in all of the show, even more so than the later scene where he snitches on Clarke. There’s been a lot this season about “kings” forcing subjects to kneel - but instead of the “kneel or die” approach that Anders more or less used (while Sheidheda is using it in the most literal way possible), this is out of genuine belief. I don’t know if I’m really buying this massive transformation that we see here and in the next scene. It’s just a bit too much. Maybe information about what it was that Belalmy saw when he went ‘into the light’ would help explain it better.

Cadogan is happy to use Bellamy to convince Clarke to cooperate, and informs him: “Your friends are here, they have gotten themselves in some trouble”. Maybe this adds up to the reason why Bellamy is uncomfortable when he sees them a bit later, because they’ve been bad - but only some of them were (Echo with her murders, torture and genocide attempt, the others - not really, except Hope, someone he doesn’t even know yet). But when he comes to see them, he looks broken, exhausted and numb after all his experiences. And probably wary of giving in to the “selfish love”. (His friendship with Doucette is presumably in line with his new faith, but he seems to think his friendship with Clarke is not? Is that his relationship with Clarke actually involves love, real love for an individual?) After finally reuniting with the people he had been trying to reach all that time on Etherea, he doesn’t even look happy to see them. To quote Bellamy from earlier in the episode,Sometimes, Bellamy Blake, irony is funny. This is not one of these times.

Meanwhile, his friends are in Cadogan’s living quarters in house arrest. Conveniently, it’s just Clarke, Echo and Octavia there - plus Gabriel, but the focus is on Bellamy’s reunions with the three women he named as the people he loved earlier in the episode. Raven is not there, neither are Miller, Jordan, Niylah or Hope. (The last time Bellamy saw Jordan, Jordan was the brainwashed one. Hey, what happened to that storyline? Did it end up as a casualty of the rewrites?)

They’re discussing what to do, and Clarke has decided to basically sacrifice her life so the others could escape. We know that Clarke is a very selfless person, but the way she’s been increasingly casually deciding to sacrifice herself feels a bit disturbing - as if she’s stopped caring about her own life or hoping for happiness. At this point, her big character development would be to choose happiness and try to have what she wants. Even her “selfish” actions up to this point were mostly about trying to protect others. We haven’t even seen her show much emotion this season - as if she was on autopilot - except for her early grieving Abby earlier in the season, and moments when she’s silently grieving Bellamy,

Cadogan is there to offer the carrot rather than the stick, and being a drama queen, doesn’t Clarke and the others that Bellamy is there, but lets him in. They are massively surprised but don’t notice something’s off, or rather, they seem to assume he is just physically exhausted and in pain rather than mentally/emotionally off, as he silently looks at Clarke and Octavia and then Echo. Camera shows close-ups of the reactions of the people who love him: Clarke’s, Echo’s and Octavia’s reactions before going back to Clarke. (Probably because she’s the main character, in case people have forgotten, and her relationship with Bellamy is at center of the show), Octavia is happy and proud tries to hug her brother, but the Disciples pull out weapons. Clarke ignores the weapons, counting on her status/leverage, and hugs him.

She looks lovingly at him, with something we haven’t seen from her in a long time - happiness, that’s definitely not “best friend that I’m not attracted to” but “best friend I have naughty thoughts about”. (Only love can make you hug someone who must be smelling really badly at this point, considering Bellamy hasn’t washed or changed his clothes in over 3 months!)

This hug is different from any other Bellarke hug ever, since Bellamy is so numb, even when he hugs her back, but she is too happy to see him back to notice. And then when she takes the chance to also get him up to speed and tell him about the Flame - he gets an incredibly sad look on his face. He is not unemotional now - but he has decided he must ignore and suppress those feelings, betray her trust and tell Cadogan the truth, because his faith and the so-called “love for all mankind” comes first.

Everyone is shocked when he calls Cadogan “My Shepherd” and then beyond shocked when he betrays them - and camera again shows Echo’s, Octavia’s and Clarke’s reactions, going back to Cadogan, and then the episode ends on a close-up of Clarke’s shocked face. Because, you know, she’s still the main character. And finally, now we can hopefully have a S7 storyline that properly focuses on the show’s protagonist and utilizes Eliza’s talent allowing her to show a range of emotions. When Clarke believed Bellamy was dead, he was someone she could hold in her memory and try to honor it by saving his sister and girlfriend - but this is a whole new way of losing him, right after thinking she got him back, and means real emotional turmoil.

Bellamy has become a true believer and decided to stop being himself. And the people who love him will now have to deal with his loss - in another way - all over again, and try to save him. I’m torn because this storyline offers huge opportunities for a “power of love” storyline right out of a fanfic, but I’m uncomfortable with the idea that it may come at the expense of having Bellamy be manipulated and subjugated to a white megalomaniac villain in the last season. But I hope and expect we will see genuine character development and re-affirmation of who Bellamy Blake is. Now, there are a lot of things Bellamy doesn’t know yet and that have contributed to him drinking Cadogan’s Kool-Aid (he hasn’t seen Cadogan’s dealings with his family or Second Dawn, or what he did to Becca, or Anders’ actions on Bardo, or the way the Disciples mistreat their own people, and he doesn’t know about Cadogan’s mistranslation of the Bardoan text), but I don’t think the resolution of this storyline will be about Cadogan or what Bellamy knows about his religion. I think it will be Bellamy himself and his relationships. Clarke and Octavia had big character arcs in season 5-6 where they had to deal with who they are, who they’ve become and what they want to be negating everything he is. He needs to finally really deal with his self-loathing and guilt and he needs to gain back trust in himself, the Bellamy Blake that others loved and trusted and relied on. He needs to feel loved and decide that love is strength and a positive rather than just ‘selfish’ force. (And who can show him that? Hint: not his girlfriend Echo, whose love he would definitely see as confirmation that love is selfish and destructive, as it makes a person do things like murder, torture and attempted genocide out of revenge. Another hint: probably the same person who gave him confidence and made him believe in himself and grow as a person, multiple times, all the way back in season 1 and again in season 3 and season 4, telling him he was a person that other follow because of his big heart and the way he can inspire people. And third hint - the same person Bellamy was saving - her physical self - in season 6, will be the one who’ll have to save him, mentally, save who he is., in season 7.)

Rating: 8/10 (could go higher or lower depending on how the cave visions are explained and what the outcome of this plot is)

#the 100 #etherea #the 100 7x11 #bellamy blake #clarke griffin #bill cadogan #octavia blake #the disciples #the anomaly #bardo

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