#best places to travel in february 2021

[thepsychlibra]

10 Best Places to Travel in February

10 Best Places to Travel in February

Are you planning Valentine’s Day getaway for two or a group trip for Presidents’ Day weekend? We determined where to travel during the shortest month of the year by considering sights, weather, traveler sentiment, and annual events. These are the best places to visit in February, ranging from mountain towns to beach getaways. Do you want to weigh in? Vote in the poll below to help us create the…

[escapefromparadiseus]

Website: https://www.escapefromparadise.net/

Escape From Paradise is a USA based travel blog by Ingrid Lemme - an award-winning TV Host, Publisher, and Travel Writer & Blogger.

Our Story:

My husband and I are snowbirds, some of these fortunate retirees that are able to fly south as soon as it gets colder in the northern hemisphere. We think of our home locations as paradise, as we are spending our summers in the mountains of West Virginia, our winters on the ocean in Palm Coast, Florida and then in between we are visiting my beautiful hometown of Montauk on the East End of Long Island, New York. As much as we love the places where we live, Marcus and I are adventures and we are always looking forward to another exciting "Escape from Paradise”. Life is short and the bucket list long ;) ….

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ingrid.lemme

Twitter: https://twitter.com/LemmeEscape

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ingridlemme/

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[amourdivine]

୨ ♡ ୧︰ WHOSE MIND ARE YOU ON?   ઉ   PAC.

Hello, angels! I hope you're doing well! Today, I bring to you one of my favorite reading topics. Let's get curious and see whose mind are you on, shall we? If you liked this reading, please consider tipping me at @ amourdivinetarot@gmail.com via paypal! xo ♡

›    none of the images are mine unless stated otherwise. ›    personal readings are closed [as of february 2024] ›    navigation ♡ masterlist ♡ payhip

HOW TO CHOOSE YOUR PILE.  take a few deep breaths and look at each picture separately. see which one brings you to a feeling, a place or a memory. take your time and feel free to come back to it later!

amourdivine. 2021 - 2024 © do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.

୨୧ PILE ONE

ace of pentacles ✧ the tower ✧ two of wands

Oh, this is someone whom you've had a huge falling out with. The aftermath has left both of you scarred, the foundation of your connection has crumbled, but both of you still check up on one another. For one half of this pile, this is purely platonic, like an ex friend or co-worker. For the other half, this was a friends with benefit situation... feelings made things even messier and the two of you got caught up in a thunderstorm.

Regardless, this person holds so much love and so much hatred inside their heart. They're so angry, but they miss you so much. They look at your old photos, reminisce on old memories. I just saw a best friend necklace in my mind's eye. They want to talk to you, but in that exact same second, they are reminded that things aren't that way anymore. It pains them, it ails them.

They likely write about you in the form of poetry, maybe journaling. They listen to songs about you, maybe even watch or read tarot readings in the hopes of finding closure. I genuinely don't think this person means any harm towards you, you're just both incredibly hurt by one another and I think distance has done you well so far. The waters need to calm down before the two of you can talk again, feelings need to be addressed and processed before you can cross paths.

This person misses you so badly, but I think the thought of this connection still brings up a lot of triggers to the surface. You may have some harsh aspects in synastry that create this tension or perhaps the two of you are fire signs. Sort of like a harsh Mars and Pluto aspect, but take it how it resonates. For your sake, it's important you address the feelings you have for this person (be it rage, hatred or love) so you don't feel trapped by this situation.

channeled messages and signs: best friend, betrayal, 10 of swords, "how could you?", "i stay up thinking of you", pinky promises, bikes, red sweater, october, insecure, competitive, jealous, leo, pick me, saturn, 333, 7, "you were mine".

୨୧ PILE TWO

the world ✧ the sun ✧ three of cups

Ah, this is someone who's away from you physically, but not emotionally. They love you so much. It's possible they have traveled for work or study temporarily, but they can't wait to come home to you, to be in your arms. It feels a mix of platonic and romantic energy, so please take it how it resonates. It could be someone who hasn't confessed their feelings to you verbally, but I think it's pretty darn obvious.

Either way, you make this person so happy, so giddy, so full of hope and love. You remind them that there are better times ahead and I think there's something about your smell, your embrace or smile that this person adores. You inspire them in so many ways, there's literally no one like you in this world. You're their favorite - and I think it's a mutual feeling here.

If this is someone whom you've met online, they're so eager to meet you. They probably daydream about it, they're taking active steps towards it too. They hope for ice cream-filled days under the sun and walking with you in the park. I feel very idyllic, it's wholesome and adventurous at the same time.

You bring a sense of courage and strength in this person, I think you're their "energy booster" in a way, either through your words or just who you are in general. You give this person a bit of a sweet, but fun adrenaline rush. They're so excited by the thought of you.

channeled messages and signs: cottagecore, wifey, strawberries, hot pink, neon green, astronomy, lauv, riding shotgun, roadtrip, plane flights, concert tickets, airports, "baby blue", kpop, "bestie", "bae".

୨୧ PILE THREE

ten of cups ✧ six of pentacles ✧ seven of swords (clarified by the two of cups)

This is someone well established and hardworking, someone who seems quite happy on the surface. They live in a shiny world, a perfect world. At least that's what it looks like on the surface.

This person is married and may have children already. You work with them, or under them. However happy or well-meaning this person may seem towards you, they are secretly very, very attracted to you. They want something more than professional or platonic with you, but they're keeping it under wraps right now.

I can't help but feel icky, like this person wants to have it all and that means going behind their partner's back in order to have you. I don't think they would ever come right and clean about this to anyone in this situation. You're like a shiny object this person wants to collect for themselves, but it's not like they'd care for you in any capacity. I Want it All by Arctic Monkeys started playing in my head. I think this is probably this person's view towards the world.

The Eight of Cups is at the back of the deck - be sure to not engage with this person emotionally, or any more than you already have. They're not honest about their feelings or intentions and it shows in the way they're sneaking around, while their partner's blissfully ignorant about it. Cheater, fuckboy energy!

channeled messages and signs: black and white, indie pop, millenial, 1989, 1990, power dynamics, chief, corporate nightmare, suits, fanfiction, beard, "don't look back", the fray, melancholia.

୨୧ PILE FOUR

five of cups ✧ seven of wands ✧ knight of swords

Whoever this is, I feel a more childish, impulsive energy. I don't know if this person is still in your life, but chances are they regret something they did or said to you. They're mourning your connection for the time being. I think you pulled away from them over a boundary they crossed or you stood your ground and they weren't expecting it. The friction here may not have been grand, but it was enough to make them feel guilty, regretful and even ashamed.

They're looking back on their actions and they're wishing they had a do-over. For some reason, I feel like this person is younger than you or just less experienced. They have a "younger sibling" feel to them, someone who's still a page. You were a source of stability and comfort to them, I think they still look up to you in some way, because I feel that they're ashamed over disappointing you.

However, as sad as it is, it doesn't seem like the end of your connection, for most of you. If this is a family member, like a cousin or sibling, chances are you'll both need to let this "marinate" and come back to talk about it later. They want to talk it out with you regardless, so it's not as definite as it may have seemed before. Even if you do have your guard up towards this person and vice-versa, give this connection a chance. I honestly feel like there's still a lot of love and admiration left between the two of you.

channeled messages and signs: "i wish you were here", victory, number 7, stubborn, "i'm the older one!", nitpicky, play-fighting, gossip, lullabies, bedtime stories, "i was trying to protect you", defensiveness, muddy waters, family portraits, petty, blocked.

୨୧ PILE FIVE

queen of pentacles ✧ the star ✧ five of pentacles ✧ three of wands

This is a motherly person. They could be an actual mother, an aunt, a grandma, or simply someone who embodies these nurturing traits, almost to the point of being a little overbearing. It can also be a "mom friend", someone who cares for others by giving them gifts. They're well established and might give unsolicited advice in regards to career, finances or relationships, but they mean well.

The reason why you're on this person's mind is because they're wishing you well. Maybe you suffered a loss recently, or you've been depressed and this person is hoping you can recover soon. I think you may have distanced yourself from others, but this person wants to help you. Still, they're waiting on you to reach out to them.

It's possible they've sent you flowers or "get well soon" texts and cards. I don't know why I get the feeling you were or are sick, struggling in some type of visible way and that's why they're worried. Maybe to you it doesn't seem like a big deal, but since this person is more experienced, they know how to deal with certain things and they really want to help you.

They might have offered you to stay at their place, or maybe have cooked you soup. I get very lovely, nurturing feelings from this pile. They wish you well and hope you can cheer up soon! For some, this is a person from your home country? You may be studying or working abroad and this mother figure wants you to take care of yourself. Aw!

channeled messages and signs: south korea, china, "i'm fine! i promise", subway, skip and loafer, exam season, 555, big city, hometown, missing the train, "i'm running late", overprotective, homemade meals, flu season, childhood movies, growing up, middle age crisis.

୨୧ PILE SIX

eight of cups ✧ eight of wands ✧ ten of swords ✧ the sun

This is such a back and forth energy, pile six. I won't lie, it feels difficult but exciting... but also really difficult? This person has been in and out of your life multiple times. You fight and then get back to each other. Then you fight again, going round and round.

It's interesting because The Sun is here, so you do make each other very happy, but you also make each other very miserable. I think this dynamic moved very fast unexpectedly. There's lots of attraction, but also lots of heartbreak. It could be a friends with benefits situation, maybe an ex you can't get over. I also heard "sneaky link" and the messages feel quite 18+, if you get what I mean.

You see, you enjoy this person's presence very much. Even when they tease you. And you've hurt each other many times, but I think you can't stop coming back to one another. There's this strange, unbreakable bond, but it's also a connection that triggers the both of you a lot and could've turned quite toxic.

This is the only pile where I had to pull more than four cards to channel the messages and I got the Queen of Wands. I think both of you are drawn to each other like moths to a flame, but there's some maturing needed if this connection is meant to progress. I didn't include advice in the previous pile, but the High Priestess came out for you as advice. So make sure to tune in to your emotions, your needs and how this person is engaging with you. Is this something truly fulfilling for you? How are you being called to step up your boundaries, your words and your actions? Connect to what you truly desire for yourself.

channeled messages and signs: "in my feels", drake songs, coquette aesthetic, water by tyla, pink hat, y2k, black girl magic, it girl, jennie kim, long hair, neon lights, freeze, nail art, "know your worth", boss, "cheer up buttercup", "you're so high maintenance", work crush, toxic by britney spears.

DISCLAIMER. Tarot is a divination tool, it’s not a substitute for medical and professional advice, nor is it meant to be taken as such. I don’t take responsibility for any choices made by you or others regarding my readings. Be mindful ♡

[seoul-bros]

When were Jikook Cooking?

In the latest episode of Monuments there was a teaser clip for the next episode showing Jungkook cooking for Jimin in his kitchen but when exactly did this happen?

Last weeks Monuments showed us the inside of Jimin's flat and in particular his kitchen so place is very much established.

December 2021 - Jimin in Quarantine

But when did this happen? Recapping events we find.........

30th January to 5th February 2022 - Jimin in hospital treated for acute appendicitis and COVID

8-9th February 2022 - Jimin's late night movie binge and happy post on Weverse

10th February - Jungkook's IG stories with Fiji Blue's It Takes Two and Still with You

15th February - J-Hope tags Jimin on his IG post and Jimin sends a get well message for V who has come down with COVID on Weverse

20th February - Vlive with Namjoon, Yoongi and Jimin

6th March - Vlive with Jin, JHope, V and Jungkook

11-13 March 2022 PTD in Seoul

19th March - Vlive with BTS minus Jin who is getting an operation on his hand.

28th March - BTS Travel to LA, JK travelled a day earlier and JHope was down with COVID and travelled later.

So best guess would be sometime between when Jimin was released from hospital on the 5th February 2022 and when Jungkook flew to LA on the 27th March 2022.

Post Date: 04/01/2023

[gretavangroupie]

Vigilance (Chapter 6)

Word count: 14.1k

Warnings: 18+ as always, drinking, language, fluff, angst, smut, violence.

This story is a very special collaboration with my best pal @gretavanmoon.

HER POV

FEBRUARY 2021

You hit send, delivering the new hire paperwork to your new boss from the comfort of your brand new apartment. The final class of your degree and your advisor was able to help set you up to accept an internship at Collective Artist Management. The company you had your eye on for months. You had set up email alerts last fall hoping to see the listing for an intern come up, and on that lonely New Years Day you saw the job posting. You applied immediately knowing there would likely be hundreds of people desperate for the opportunity. 

You spoke to your advisor about it, and somehow she knew someone and the internship was suddenly yours. The only stipulation being that you would finish out your degree and move to Nashville, Tennessee. A city you had never been to, with no friends, no family and no sense of comfort. But maybe this was the fresh start you needed, still haunted by the ghosts living in your hometown. 

Things with Jake never got better, never seeing him again after that fateful day. Never even speaking about it. He left for tour and you left for school. All there was was silence. Your heart broke into a million pieces. You thought you'd be with him forever. Funny how life takes your plans and turns them inside out. 

You dreaded each holiday spent at home, knowing there would be a chance they would all be there. But to your surprise they never were. Three Thanksgivings passed with empty place mats, Christmas came and went each year, never to see any of their smiling faces. They had moved on from this life and had started anew. Sam kept in touch the first few months after you and Jake ended things, but eventually he dropped off too. You tried not to take it personally, knowing that they were onto bigger and better things, but you still felt that pang of sadness not only of losing Jake, but losing your best friend too.

For a while you would watch them through social media. Watch them tour, watch them live out the dream they always told you they would. But at a certain point it started to do more harm than good. So, you did what you had to do and you blocked them. All of them. It hurt and you hated it but you couldn’t bear it anymore. They changed. You changed. You weren’t in their orbit anymore. It was easier to not know, than to know anything at all.

So you put your head into the books, burying yourself in your classes, soaking up every bit of knowledge you could. Ending each semester with perfect grades and the years breezing by. You always imagined yourself in Los Angeles or maybe even New York. Never Nashville. But again, life has a funny way of skewing your plans, so here you found yourself. A new city with new people, wishing and hoping that maybe you would be able to fill the hole in your heart with new friends and new lovers. Leaving the past behind you, as much as it hurt. 

—

The first week of your internship was spent going over everything crucial to know in the job. Where to be, where not to be and who you should and should not talk to. You learned about the labels you worked with, labels you no longer worked with and you met your boss, Allison. 

You would be working as an Artist Liaison Intern. A long fancy title for unpaid coffee runner, and fulltime errand girl. In reality you would be helping coordinate flights, travel visas, help schedule cars and bus transportation, even help plan parties. There were really no limits on this job title and you were more than thrilled to be working with Collective. You knew after your first year of college that you wanted to work in music. Work with bands and artists like the ones you grew up with. While it hurt to think that they helped pave this path for you, you thought that maybe the pain of it all was just the universe pushing you towards the life you were destined to have. 

Your boss Allison started each day with a checklist of what needed to get done, and then would delegate tasks to you. Recently they had all been tasks that would eventually come together to build the pieces of the Label Release Party. A party for all of the bands and artists releasing new albums in the coming year for that particular label. The client for this quarter's party was UMG.

You were handed a binder of information from the last party and began to delve into the specifics of what exactly needed to get done. Each day was spent alongside Allison and her team building the foundation of this party taking place in just two months. Over 30 artists would be there, and UMG had no budget, so you and the team almost had full reign over the entirety of the party.

The nights were long and the interns from other departments became the new friends you were hoping for all along. Dragging you to bars after work each night, drinking away the stress of each day. You were beginning to feel happy here in this new city. Happy with your new friends, and happy with the life you were building for yourself. Allison had mentioned the possibility of the internship turning into a full time position more than once so you were sure to be on your ‘A’ game at all times, really hoping that you wouldn't have to leave at the end of all of this. 

As the date of the party drew nearer, so did the anxiety. Was everything perfect? Would the label be happy? Couple that with the stress of your impending Graduation and you were borderline losing it. Allison seemed more than happy with your work and with the party only a few days away, everything began to fall into place exactly as you hoped it would.

—-

APRIL 2021

Smoothing your black dress out with your palms, you look yourself over in your full length mirror one last time before rushing out the door. You wobble down the stairs in your heels and make quick strides to your car. As you put the key in the ignition you slide your heels off and throw them into the passenger seat. You back out of the parking space and try to remember to take deep breaths. Everything you had worked for was banking on tonight. The fate of your job was banking on this. One slip up could make or break you, and you would be damned if you let another good thing get away.

Your heels clacked loudly against the tile floor of the lobby. The label had insisted on the party being hosted somewhere ‘cool and hip’ so when Allison suggested The Blue Room at Third Man Studios they were instantly sold. It was large enough to hold a crowd but intimate enough to feel exclusive. As you stepped into the main space you saw all the decorations and all of the things you had been preparing come to life. The signs, the food, the table placement… everything was perfect.

Allison rushed over as soon as she saw you, frantic with her hands full of paperwork. “We have an hour until artists start showing up. Do you have the flash drive?” she asks.

“Of course, it’s in my bag. I got it from Hazel this morning.” You say handing her the small metal drive.

“Thank god, you’re a lifesaver. I really couldn’t have done all of this without you.” she says, accepting it and walking off, before turning to look over her shoulder. “By the way, the job is yours, welcome to the team.”

Your jaw dropped and she smiled and walked away rushing off to the sound booth. You did it.

You spent much of the evening on cloud nine, running around tending to the needs of the guests and helping with catering and even at the bar. The slideshow went off without a hitch and the artists seemed more than happy with the display the team had procured for each one of them. You watched in awe as each artist flashed across the screen, standing to be recognized. As it reached the final few artists a name flashed across the screen that almost took your breath away. The single from the impending album played in the background as the slide read ‘Greta Van Fleet’. 

You’re sure the blood drained from your face as you nervously scanned the room looking for the guys and their representation. In the far left corner of the room you saw Josh, standing with his drink accepting the applause the crowd gave him. He looked so different since the last time you saw him. Granted it had been almost three years since you blocked them all, never once searching them or the band knowing it would send you back to square one. Hearing their new music playing now was the first you had heard them in years. Josh’s voice had matured and their sound had become rock solid. They truly did make it. The guitar playing sent a shock right to your heart though, reminding you that you could very well be in the same room as him right now. You scanned the table where Josh sat but found only him. Part of you was thankful that it was only him but the other part of you felt punched in the gut at the stupid hopefulness you felt. 

As your eyes fixate on Josh, you quickly realize that if he sees you he will want to talk so you tear your eyes away hoping to keep a low profile for the rest of the night. You keep your head low working at the bar and keeping to yourself, that is until Allison found you, pulling you away from your quiet task.

“Want to go meet some of the people you will be working with? Wait, you want the job right?” she asks.

“Of course I do! Yes!” you reply eagerly. 

“Then let's go!” she says pulling you behind her. 

She ushers you around the room, introducing you to executives, co-workers you hadn’t met yet, and even a few artists you’d be working with. Your head was spinning as you tried to process all the new information coming in while simultaneously keeping an eye out for Josh, doing your damndest to avoid him.

After a few hours people began to slowly filter out and you started to collect empty place settings and pack the nameplates back into the little box you plucked them from. Feeling like the coast was clear you slipped your heels off as you worked paying no mind to the few guests still lingering near the bar. 

You heard the doors open to the room and you saw the familiar fluff of curls cross the room, back to the table he was previously seated at, scanning over it before grabbing his keys. As you watched him, his eyes flicked upward meeting yours.

You look away quickly hoping he wouldn’t recognize you, but you kick yourself because it’s Josh, and you knew he would. He inevitably makes his way over to you, rushing, pushing chairs out of the way in order to get to you as quickly as possible.

“Y/N?” he questions, as he stands in front of you. 

You turn slowly to face him, as you nod. “Hi, Josh.”

Expecting to be met with anger or resentment you furrow your brow waiting for his next words, but instead of that you are met with a beaming smile.

“Oh my god, it is you. I…I thought it was you earlier, but I couldn’t tell. I convinced myself that it couldn’t be. I… Oh my god, how are you? What are you doing here?” he asks, shocked.

“Well…I kind of live here now. I work for Collective Artist Management.” you say nervously. “I graduate next month.”

His hand reaches out and lands on your arm, and you smile to yourself. Typical Josh, always touching. “Y/N, that is amazing! You fucking did it, huh!” he says gripping your arm. “You live here? In Nashville?”

“Yeah, I moved here at the end of January, beginning of February… something like that. Been working and trying to meet new people and get to know my new city.” you reply.

“How did we end up in the same city again?” he laughs, a sound you have sorely missed. 

A smile strung across your face at the sound, bringing back the memories you have tried so hard to bury deep inside your brain. He pulls his phone from his pocket, and taps the screen a few times before flashing it to you. “Is this still your number?” he asks.

You examine the screen seeing your name and the emojis you selected all those years ago, still sitting peacefully next to it. “Yep, that’s me.” you reply.

“Good, can we uh… can I text you? Maybe we can get drinks tomorrow or something?” he asks.

“Yeah, that would be fine. I’m sure I have a lot to catch up on.” you laugh. 

A giggle leaves his chest as he replies, “Yeah, just a bit. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

“Yep, talk to you then.” you say, before being pulled into his chest for a hug. As his arms wrap around your neck you catch a whiff of him, and you are instantly catapulted back to a time you have tried so hard to forget. 

He releases you and walks away shoving his hands in his pockets tossing you a smile over his shoulder.

Your mind is positively reeling, you had no idea that he lived in Nashville. Where were the others? When did they move here? Obviously they had made it pretty big if they were signed with UMG…

As the night wrapped up and you drove yourself home you let your mind wander down those old dusty paths you had roped off for so long. You thought of Sam and your last conversation with him about Elle. How things weren’t going too well and things were only getting harder. 

You thought of Danny and Josh and the last time you heard them play. But mostly you thought of Jake and how you left things, broken and beyond repair.

As you showered the night off of you, you thought some more, wondering if meeting Josh for drinks was a good idea. Not sure if you wanted to reopen those old wounds. Though the more you thought about it, years had passed. You had changed. He had clearly changed, filling out more and carrying himself more authentically. You felt compelled to know this new Josh so you decided you would go, and you would leave the past behind you. 

—-

The text from Josh came in the early afternoon, startling you from your book.

Josh: Fable Lounge at 8?

You: See you then!

You rifled through your closet for what had to be an hour. What the hell do you wear to meet up with an old friend in a new city? At a swanky bar nonetheless? Your bed was littered with different items of clothing strewn about, a pile for maybe, a pile for no, a pile for absolutely not. After a half hour of madness, you finally decided on some tight jeans with a black tank and green bomber jacket. You let your hair hang naturally, it had grown quite long, and you decided to let your natural waves be. Simple makeup and some winged eyeliner, and you were out the door. 

Thankfully, Josh was already at the bar when you arrived, having a casual conversation with the bartender pouring his drink. You walked up and took the stool to his right, trying to take him by surprise.

“Heyyyy, there she is!” He brought you in for a hug. “It’s so good seeing a familiar face in town. Whatcha drinking tonight?”

“Rum and Coke” you reply.

He nods his head to the bartender and he begins to make it. The two of you sat, drank, and laughed, catching up on each other's lives. After a round or two, you felt your body begin to relax. 

“Don’t have anyone steady in your life?” he asked, sipping from the side of his glass. 

“No, nothing serious.” You suddenly became shy, and he knew why. “Things just haven’t felt right...in a while. Ya know?”

“Do I know?” He asked from the side of his mouth. 

You sighed heavily. “Of course you know, Josh. You’ve always known.” you reply.

He smiled his know-it-all smile, “Hmm... Well… maybe you’ve found yourself back in the right place again.” He smirked, and lightly clinked his glass to yours. The blood drained from your face. What on earth did that mean?

You heard the door open behind you, catching Josh’s attention as a smile played upon his lips. Turning to see what he was looking at, the blood drained from your face. Oh. My god. In walked Danny, Sam, Jake, and…a girl. On Jake’s arm. 

“SURPRISE! Look who I found!” Josh moved his stool to reveal you, as all of their jaws dropped simultaneously. 

“Josh, what the fuck!” You said quietly in his ear, gritting your teeth through a fake smile. 

Rounds of hugs came quickly from Sam and Danny, while Jake and the mystery girl stayed quietly far enough away that they didn’t feel the need to partake in your greetings. 

Sam immediately made his way over to your barstool. You inhaled a quick breath to prepare yourself for this. You spun the swivel stool and faced him. What you came face to face with wasn't at all what you expected. 

He was taller, had filled out a bit, and god damn, he was absolutely gorgeous. His hair was a bit longer, rested below his shoulders, and was finger-tousled. His skin seemed to glow, especially in this lighting. It looked so soft, you had to stop yourself from reaching out to touch it. He had just a little bit of dark peach fuzz around his lips and chin that countered the silken look of his skin, but it suited him well. His eyes, though. They hadn’t changed. Deep brown, sanpaku shaped, and they still squinted into little half moons when he smiled too hard. Which he did, the second you turned to face him. 

“Y/N?! Are you kidding me?! What are you doing here? With Josh, nonetheless!” He shoved Josh’s shoulder from behind, causing him to choke a little on the drink he was swallowing. 

“Why didn’t you tell me we had an old friend in town?!” Sam asked him without taking his eyes off of you. 

His fucking smile.

He was grinning ear to ear, genuinely happy to see you. His perfectly straight and white teeth sat behind his gorgeous lips. You always envied the hell out of his smile. 

Before you could speak, he was lifting you off the stool into a giant bear hug that felt more like a back-cracking than a formal hello. He set you back down to your feet and you gathered yourself, flustered by his newfound confidence. 

“Surprise? I guess?” You returned his beaming smile, and you felt him lower his head and catch your eyes, taking you all in. In another unexpected instance, you found his hand on yours, lifting it to spin you around. When you had done your full turn, he met your gaze again. 

“You look spectacular. Haven’t changed a bit,” he said with a knowing wink. 

But, you had changed. Though you had long since lost your freshman 15, you had gained it back in all the right places, finally forming into the full shape of a grown woman. You’d let your hair grow, and decided to change up your style a bit. New city, new you, of course. 

Sam took the bar stool next to you, leaving the rest of his group behind. You cleared your throat, mind flashing with dread as you caught Jake in your peripheral, sitting three stools down. Thankfully Josh and Danny separated the two of you. Sam motioned to the bartender and ordered a tequila soda. Next, his elbow was on the bar, head leaning into his hand, looking directly at you. You downed the rest of your drink as you met his gaze. 

“What the hell are you doing here, Y/N?” He said quietly through a giant smile. 

“Well, my internship brought me here, actually. Remember I was in school? I majored in Music Management and Marketing, so I took an internship and I’ve been working at Collective Artist Management learning how the logistics of the industry work.” you say proudly.

You sipped hard on your skinny straw, getting nothing but watered-down rum. “I basically buy plane tickets, help plan tours and throw big parties for a living now. Anyways, we hosted UMG’s new release party the other night. And, lo and behold, I ran into Josh. Well, he ran into me. We got to talking… He invited me out for drinks. But- he failed to tell me he was bringing the whole family. I didn’t even know you guys lived here.” You rolled your eyes to the side to look toward Josh, but he didn’t hear you. 

“That’s amazing. Leave it to the universe. So, you’re living here now?” His gaze was dreamy and intense, like he was hanging on your every word. He folded the straw in half over the lip of his glass, and sipped it from the side. 

“Yeah. For now, at least.” You grinned at him, and he returned it. 

The drinks continued to flow, and the conversation did too. Danny had made his way over to you, embracing you in one of his all-too-familiar bear hugs and it felt like no time had passed at all. Josh told 5 or 6 stories, Danny announced that he was finally going to purchase his dream guitar tomorrow, and Sam explained, in detail, all the restaurants you just had to try as soon as humanly possible. 

Jake…and the girl, Sophia, you learned….stayed put in their seats, adding very little to the conversation, and never once giving you the greeting everyone else did. 

“Shots?! Anyone want a shot? Let’s do shots.” Classic Samuel. He clapped his hands together, successfully signaling the bartender. Your face was now well on its way to feeling warm and numb from the liquor, and you threw your head back in aggravated laughter. The bar had gotten significantly more crowded, and the atmosphere was heady. 

“Sam, I have to get up tomorrow!” You objected while the bartender lined up the shot glasses. 

“Yeah, at what, 11am? You’ll be fine, don't be a baby.” he smirked.

You rolled your eyes. What was this, high school again? 

“Besides, we’re celebrating! It’s a reunion!” He slapped the bar top candidly. 

The six of you crowded into a small circle and raised the tiny glasses into the air. You ever so briefly made eye contact with Jake from across the circle, and he looked away as soon as your eyes could focus. 

“To new memories and old friends, may we be ever compliant with what time throws toward us, and may we accept with grace and dignity!” Josh bellowed, slightly slurry. Everyone clinked glasses and downed the warm liquor. You welcomed it, though these people felt like home, you couldn’t have felt more out of place. 

You turned back to the bar, wiping your mouth of the droplets that had escaped your lips. Sam joined you in his original seat. His eyes were locked onto the side of your face and you almost felt them burning holes into the side of your skull. 

“What, Samuel?” You said sharply through a tight smile. 

He smiled a curt half smile, his eyes hooded but confident. “Let’s get out of here.” He nodded his head toward the door. You might have choked on your spit if you had been a tad bit more drunk. Your eyebrows raised in shock. 

“What? L-like...leave? You and-” you motioned to yourself and him, questioning if you had heard him right. 

“I hate this fuckin bar. It’s too uptown for me. Not my style, ya know?” Sam said, standing up and pulling out his wallet. “I know someplace else that is more our speed.” 

You were speechless, unsure of what to say. But you were well on your way to being more than tipsy, feeling just right, on the brink of confidence overtaking your personality. What the hell, right? You could afford to learn about a few new bars in town, and you were with your best friend. Well, old best friend. And the man at the other end of the bar couldn’t seem to care less if he spoke to you tonight or not. Not that you cared. 

After Sam paid his bill and yours, which you didn’t object to out of old habit, he clinked the pen closed and replaced his wallet. “Let’s go!”

In a rush of hands whisking you from your chair, the two of you were quickly pacing toward the door, hand in hand. 

“See you guys later, we’re going to get into some trouble. Get the bail money ready, bitches!” Sam hollered to his brothers still seated at the bar. 

You didn’t know what to add except a quick shrug and a passing wave of goodbye. You met Jake’s eyes as Sam pulled you past, and the look on his face was unreadable. Pissed? Maybe. Sad, confused, silent.

The outside air was enough to sober you up and make you feel more drunk all at once. The two of you paced down the sidewalk quickly; your arm tucked under Sam’s. 

“Where are we going?” You pressed. 

“A fun place. Don’t worry about it.” His hair was blowing in the chilled air, and his face was as happy as you remembered it to always be. Carefree Sammy, always so eloquently unbothered by anything. 

As you walked into the next bar, you were met with a darker, more relaxed atmosphere. The place was small, and instantly felt cozy. Wooden walls, a lava lamp on the bar, plastic chairs at the tables, and a jukebox on the far wall. Ah, yes. Definitely more your speed. 

“Rum and coke?” Sam asked as you approached the bar. 

“Yes please.” you responded. 

The night continued on, the two of you laughing, sharing old stories, getting significantly more intoxicated…but neither of you daring to touch on the subject that was lingering in the air. 

Honestly, you didn’t want to bring it up. You knew it would happen sooner or later, but time had passed. Things had changed. People had moved on. You were adults now. And you were enjoying yourself, things were light and airy and giggly with your old friend again. It felt like old times. Cheerful, breezy, nostalgic. Sam brought about an air of peace that you had so missed. 

“I can’t buhlieve my old friends are FAYYYMOUS!” you raised your voice overtop of the old rock song playing from the jukebox, hand landing on Sam’s knee. 

He looked at you a little sideways. 

“Have you really not kept up with our music, Y/N?” He acted a little offended. “We’ve toured the world, released two albums...we kinda uh, won a Grammy...” he laughed through the last word. 

Your eyes widened and your stomach flipped. How could you tell him that you’ve been actively ignoring and going out of your way to block out every word involving their band name on your social media? How could you explain that seeing their faces on your screen or hearing them play in your car brought back such sickening memories that it put you in depressive episodes for days?

Even seeing them here, now, in the flesh made you feel so uneasy it was hard to think straight. 

“I heard one of your songs playing in the grocery store once.” You swallowed hard. “Safari Song, I think? It was wild, just minding my own business, picking through the fruit bins, listening to my old best friends play on the radio in a super public setting.” 

He was silent. 

“I knew you guys had made it, but honestly, I...kind of… Don’t seek you out. It really just…hurts? Kind of. I don’t know. After everything.” you stammer.

Sam placed his hand on your knee and leaned forward. “No, I get it. I really do. It would be strange. But, hopefully one day you’ll come to a show. Let us show off for you a little bit?” He smiled a cheesy smile. 

You half cocked a smile back, and put a strand of hair behind your ear. “Yeah! Maybe one day.”

You knew going to see them play would be absolutely mind blowing. Watching their fans go nuts, hearing their new music and how they’ve grown as musicians, watching Jake. Your stomach felt sick at the thought. 

When the night was growing toward a close, and the bar had begun to empty, you and Sam found yourselves two of the only few people left at the bar, heavily and drunkenly engaged in a game of quarter bounce. You’d had a blast with him this evening, and you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t noticed how the neon was glowing off of his skin, radiating and accentuating his perfectly developed features. 

Or how sexy it looked when he pulled his hair back into a low bun when the game got intense, a few strands falling into his face…You sincerely flushed when he kissed you on the cheek after making three quarters in a row. He beamed with contentment, comfort, warmth. Never letting the smile fall from his face the whole night. He was being his goofy self, making you laugh until your stomach muscles hurt, but all the while you found yourself intensely and overwhelmingly attracted to him. For the first time you saw him. Not his brother. 

“You cheated! That’s not fair!” He practically yelled. “You don’t get three chances, it’s in the rule book!”

“What rule book, Sam? The rule book doesn’t exist!” You slurred through hearty giggles, knowing well and good that you had in fact, cheated. 

He walked over to you slowly, taking his pointer finger and playfully poking you in random spots across your face. You tried to swat him away, to no avail. 

“Cheater!”  *poke* 

“Cheater!”  *poke* 

“Pumpkin!” *poke*

“EATER!” he taunted.

You grabbed his hand to pull it from your face, he knew he was pissing you off. He sturdied his arm, which in turn pulled your whole body into him. You suddenly found yourselves chest to chest, faces impossibly close. 

His nose bumped yours, and normally you would back off, feeling awkward and embarrassed. But his eyes darted down to your lips, and back up to your eyes. Your lips were mere centimeters from his. You could feel his breath, warm and heavy, exhaling lightly onto your partially parted lips. His eyes traveled slowly back down to your lips, and you felt his sturdied arm relax. Your heart began to pound in your ears. You’ve never been this close to Sam before. His hand was still on yours, and without moving his face away, he turned your hand into his, and interlaced your fingers. You swallowed hard, tasting the essence of his tequila on your tongue. 

“I don’t like pumpkin.” was all you could whisper before his lips were crashing onto yours in the most heated, yet cautious way. His lips were warm and soft, and he let out a small exhale through his nose at the contact. God, your stomach fell straight to the floor; he felt so sweet. You felt his body relax, and his fingers tighten around yours. After a few seconds of exhilaration, you parted, the both of you darting your eyes back and forth between each others. Each of you exploded into lighthearted and drunken giggles. He let your hand go, and you stood, taking all of him in with your eyes. 

“I love pumpkin,” he said through a chuckle. 

——

A ten minute walk down the sidewalk, and a short but exhausting trek down side streets found you and Sam approaching his front door. A little bungalow of a place tucked away from the main part of whatever neighborhood you were in. You were still sufficiently intoxicated, probably more so than you truly needed to be. But you were high on the night, on the festivities, and on Sam’s lips. You suddenly felt all your inhibitions melting into the ground below you. 

“This is me,” he said, fumbling with the keys as he unlocked the door. When you got inside, he walked over to a tiny lamp and switched it on, sending a light orange glow into the small but spacious area. You kicked off your shoes and hung your jacket on a chair. You made your way to his couch. You plopped down and let it begin to relax you. 

“Another drink, or some water?” He asked lovingly. 

“How about both?” You replied. 

“Excellent choice.” he smiled, disappearing to the kitchen.

He returned promptly with two glasses full of some type of iced amber liquid and two bottles of water. 

“Cheers,” he mumbled quietly as he sat down next to you on the couch. 

“Cheers, Sammy.” you smiled.

Your head was spinning. From the alcohol, from the kiss, from seeing Jake’s brand new face after so long of not seeing him every day. 

The kiss. Your drunken state brought the memory of what happened just now at the bar, amplified, back to the forefront of your mind. You sipped from the glass, then chugged some water. For the second time tonight, you felt Sam’s eyes boring into the side of your face. You slowly turned to look at him. Your face went hot when you met his sultry gaze. Good god, he was so beautiful. Even more so, now, in his matured state and in this dim lighting. You felt your heart flutter. 

“Yeeees?” You teased. 

Sam rested his head on the back of the couch. His breath hitched.  “I’m gonna ask you a question, Y/N. And I need you to answer honestly.”

That shouldn’t be too hard, as the alcohol had given you quite the air of confidence, suddenly at just the perfect spot of leaving you feeling like you had no filter.

He put his head down, and was toying with a frayed string on his shirt. “Did you- ever? Umm... Did you ever feel anything for-” 

He was stumbling over his words. You raised your head to look at him with more attention, brows furrowing trying to show him that you were listening. 

He huffed. “Did you ever love me, y/n?” Your name rolled off his tongue effortlessly, like he’d spoken it one million times, because in reality, he had. 

Your eyes widened. You opened your mouth to speak, but nothing came out. 

“I know you loved me, but... I felt so strongly for you for so many years, but I never had the guts to tell you. I was too-” he cut off his words again. You felt like you may pass out at his confession. He stared up at the ceiling, letting his words finally fall. 

“You were my absolute best friend. Like, even more so than my brothers or Daniel. It was different with you. I could tell you anything and you’d never pick on me or judge me. I trusted you with my secrets. And I think you trusted me with yours.” he said.

He reached down to grab your hand once again, interlacing your fingers like you had at the bar. “I always thought, you know, one day I’ll do it, I’ll get the balls to tell her. Then- everything happened...” he stammered off, both of your brains revisiting a dark place that you’d had tucked away in the very deepest crevices of your brain. 

He turned to look at you now. 

“I think I always knew about you and Jake. Even before he told me. At the time, I don’t think I did. But looking back now, I think I knew it. In my bones, ya know? I just kept lying to myself because I always thought it’d be you and me in the end.” 

You felt a tear fall directly from your eye and onto your chest. He gingerly brought his hand up to your face and wiped it away. 

“After all this time, and even after Elle and our careers and everything getting busy and taking off..I think I realized that I’m not in love with you anymore. I finally feel…like I can break myself free of the chains you held me in for so many years.” He smiled, his words weren’t meant to hurt you, just let you know.  “I think I finally fell away from you, y/n. And it feels…” 

“It feels what, Sammy?” You asked through another tear. 

He huffed again. 

“Huh, I dunno. Liberating? If that’s the word.” He laughed a little. You couldn’t help but smile. You turned and wiped your tears away, letting out a choppy sigh. 

“Dammit, Sam. You made me emotional.” you said, laughing at yourself. You rolled your head back again. You allowed a few moments to pass, silently. 

“No.” You said, finally. 

“No what?” he asks.

You paused, collecting your words. “I never loved you like that.”

Sam took a deep and quick breath through his teeth, readjusting himself on the couch. “I didn’t think so.” 

The two of you sat in silence for a few minutes, taking turns sipping your drinks and exchanging looks. 

“So, now that we’ve established that we aren’t in love with each other, want to talk about that sweet little kiss at the bar?” Sam said in his normal cheeky tone. You realized you were still holding hands. His thumb was lightly massaging the back of your hand. It felt like pure electricity. 

“Honestly Sam, I don’t want to talk about it.” You answered. You took the last bit of your drink, and placed the glass on the coffee table. You took his drink from his hand, and placed it next to yours. You moved your body so that you were able to throw your leg over top of his, and bring yourself to carefully sit on his lap, facing him. 

“I just…kind of want to kiss you again.” you said quietly in a questioning tone, watching his face closely to gauge his reaction. Of course, his eyes widened, and the look on his face was hilarious. Pure and utter surprise. His head lulled back against the couch, and once your words and action had settled in his mind, he put on that seductively shy smile. 

“Do you, now? I thought we didn’t have feelings for each other?” he peeked at you through one eye, hands beginning to grip tightly on your thighs. 

“We don’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t find you…attractive.” you twirled a piece of his hair between your fingers. The silky brown strands, thick and plush.

“I’ve always found you attractive, y/n. Caught my eye the first day I saw you.” His hands were squeezing harder now, moving slowly from your straddled knees up to your upper thighs. 

“Gorgeous from the get go. All the guys in school fawning over you.” He continued intermittently squeezing the thickness of your thighs, eyes scanning over your whole body as if he was committing every inch to memory.

“Guys coming up to me to see if they could ask you out...as if I’d have any problem with it.” His thumbs had now inched impossibly close to your heat, gripping the fold where your legs met your hips. He dug the pads of his thumbs into your groin, eliciting the tiniest sound to escape your lips.

“Everyone wanted you...but you were mine…my best friend. I can’t tell you how many times I had to stop myself from sneaking you away into the basement…” his hands were still working your muscle at a sickening pace, thumbs rubbing small circles close, but not close enough. 

“But I must say, when I saw you at the bar tonight…” his hands moved from your thighs to your ass, gently but tightly squeezing. “…I knew I wasn’t going to be able to take my eyes off of you for the rest of the night.” His voice had grown low and gravely. His normal frivolous attitude had shifted into something darker and more sinister, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t absolutely craving seeing more of this side of him. 

“Of course I was always attracted to you too, Sam. I mean, God, look at you.” He shied away at your words, a rosy blush filling his cheeks. “Watching you play your guitar was always my favorite. Everyone knows you as the bass player, but I always knew you could do both. Talented at both.” You brought your forehead to rest on his.

“You fell into another world when you played. Played anything, really. So talented. I always caught myself having to drag my eyes away from your hands...” you found his hand and intertwined your fingers again. “Just because I didn’t have the same feelings for you then, doesn’t mean that I never wanted to…do this.” your voice trailed off, sticky and full of lust. 

You brought your hands to his face, tracing his beautiful cheekbones with your thumbs. You weren’t sure what had come over you. Curiosity, mostly, and drunken and immense attraction to this man in front of you. Your mind flashed with every warning sign and inhibition it could to stop you from doing this- your friendship with Sam, everything with Andy, the fight, Jake….

You worked to ignore every single red flag your body was throwing at you, and to just go with what felt right right now. 

And what felt right was kissing Sam again. 

So you did. 

This time, it was slow and mellow, testing the waters and seeing how he felt. You slowly moved your lips across his, sweetly taking your time and allowing for this strange adjustment. You pulled away to catch his eyes, and in seconds, he had his hands back on your waist, harshly pulling you closer toward him, and down onto his hardening length in his jeans.

Oh.

He found your lips again, and parted his slightly to allow you more access. You took the opportunity, and deepened the kiss, lightly flicking your tongue across his lips, testing the uncharted waters. He met your tongue with his, and damned if he didn’t taste sweet. Your hands found his hair, and tangled into the roots, which only spurred him on. Your brain was flipping and flying everywhere at once, but you liked it. 

He tightened his grip on your waist again, and dug his thumbs into your sides, eliciting a sharp breath from you. You parted, meeting eyes. You both began to laugh, and again, you rested your forehead on his. 

“This is...weird.” you said. 

“Yep. Very weird.” He parroted back. Suddenly he was lifting you from his lap and laying you down on your back on the couch. He climbed to lay on top of you, and what began as innocent explorative kissing quickly shifted into a heated, frenzied makeout session. Your kisses became raw and wanting, you were both fighting for control as you let your instincts take over. 

He was an excellent kisser, and you took advantage of that. All four hands were gripping and fighting and pulling, trying to find any kind of purchase that may assist in getting each other undressed. The sounds he was making were causing you to absolutely pool with desire for him. You were both panting and sweating at this point. Both of you unsure what step to take next. Cautious, flustered, embarrassed… But wholeheartedly comfortable and yearning for him. And him for you. 

“Sam,” you asked. 

“Y/N” he answered. 

“Will you umm, take my shirt off?”

Without another word, he was lifting himself off of you and removing your shirt above your head. You realized he had never seen you in a bra before. His eyes were blown out with lust just from looking at you, and seeing him look at you that way ignited something in your chest. 

You felt a strange and wanting passion burning, one that felt uninhibited and carnal. For Sam. With Sam. Your best friend. Why did all of this feel so good?

You decided to go with your gut. You were both consenting adults, just looking for a little fun. What did you have to lose? 

SAM POV

Jesus Christ, what is happening right now? Am I dreaming?

She looked absolutely stunning in nothing but her bra. A pretty little maroon lace thing. You gave her a smile and a look of admiration, hoping that she didn’t feel any kind of shyness toward you. 

You’ve wanted this for so long, so many years. You thought it was never going to happen. Especially after so much time being apart, but look where the universe has landed you.

“You’re really gorgeous, y/n. Seriously.” you implore.

You were returned a sweet smile. “Thank you, Sammy.” 

Her smile made your heart melt. “Can I take yours off?”

“Mmhm, absolutely babe.” She sat up and grasped the shoulders of your tee shirt, pulling up and taking the shirt off. She let it fall to the floor. Her eyes raked over your torso, sparkling slightly in the moody light. Beautiful. 

As you took in the sight of her upper half, you noticed something. Right on her ribs. A tattoo. 

“What’s that? I never knew you had a tattoo..” you asked. 

“Oh yeah...I got that a really long time ago. On a whim-” she tried to push the subject away. 

“It’s a constellation, right? Stars…oh it’s the Little Dipper.” you eyebrows furled. 

What? Where had you seen this before? Old images fluttered through your mind.

Shit…Jake’s guitar. His carvings.

You lifted your head to speak, to ask her if it was a tattoo for Jake. Did he have the same one? She cut you off before you could ask. 

“It’s a long story...for another time, Sam.”

You decided to leave it at that. 

She made her way on top of you again now, in the original straddled position. “Hm, you like it here, huh?” You joked, and began peppering her jawline with tiny kisses. She let her head fall back, giving you access to her neck, and you swore you could have taken her right then and there. 

Her skin was so soft, and tasted so sweet. And the floral smell of her hair was making your head spin. She cawed a little bit at your touch, which enticed you to bring your hands, ever so carefully, to her breasts. You gave them a small squeeze, and bravely slipped your hands underneath the bra, gently massaging, keeping your mouth on her pressure points. 

She inhaled sharply at the new sensation, and gave the prettiest little moan, spurring you on again. You found her nipples, and gently twisted them between your fingers. That, she loved. 

“Shhhhit Sam,” she groaned, then backed away and looked directly into your eyes. In seconds her mouth was attached to yours, bringing back the intense kissing from moments ago. These kisses were deep, forceful, and intentional. Your tongues were wrestling, exploring each other’s mouths as your hands began to haphazardly grab anything and everything. You mewled into her mouth as she grabbed a fistful of hair on the back of your head, pulling it back to look at her as she craned over you. She grinded her hips down onto you again, making the need for her all the more difficult to bear. Both of you were insanely starved for one another. 

You decided it was time to move. You couldn’t wait any longer, and you had barely done anything but land one foot on second base. You grabbed underneath her thighs, standing and lifting her with you. She giggled. You met eyes again, this time with a question written on your face. Her arms were wrapped around your neck, hands lightly massaging the back of your head. 

“Can I take you in my room?” You asked, more confidently than you anticipated. 

Her eyelids were half open, her hair a mess, anticipation dripping from her aura. 

“Please,” was all she stated. 

You walked her down the short hallway into the back bedroom; you were thankful it wasn’t too messy in there. Not like she would care anyway. She never did. 

There was only the significantly bright moonlight coming through the windows, and you decided to not turn on the lamp. The pale blue light was already illuminating her skin in the most beautiful way. You gently set her down on the bed, never breaking from her kiss. She began to scoot herself backwards up the bed, you crawling overtop of her, following her lead. When she found herself in a position she was satisfied with, she settled a little bit and broke away. 

“Can we get under the covers?” She asked. You smiled knowing you’d give her anything in the world right now. 

“Sure, we can,” you replied. “Are you cold?”

“Kinda, just want to feel comfy.” She responded breathlessly. You stood from the bed and reached under her to pull the comforter down. Before crawling underneath, she made a show of unbuttoning her jeans, and pulling them and her panties all the way off. Good god. 

You followed suit, undoing your belt and letting your pants and underwear hit the floor. You crawled in next to her, heart pounding, mouth dry, and skin absolutely on fire with want for her. Condom? Yes, in the drawer. Got it. 

For a minute, the two of you laid in complete darkness save for the blue light barely tinting the room. Your faces were close, your breathing steady but labored from the intensity of the past half hour. You couldn’t quite see her face in the darkness, but somehow, it made it all the more alluring. Maybe it was better to have one of your senses muddled, it would also help with the anxiety you felt rushing through your bloodstream. I can’t believe this is actually happening. You ran your fingers lightly over her arm, down her side and back up to her face, bringing a sense of intimacy back after the shift. 

“You okay with doing this?” She asked shyly. 

“I’m absolutely okay with doing this.” You maneuvered to roll her to her back, resting on your elbows on either side of her head, face to face. 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, y/n, but my feelings for you have drifted. They’re almost gone, actually...please don’t take that as anything malicious. I’m still very much in love with the person that you are. You’re one of the most important people in my life, even if the last time we saw each other we left on a…less than high note.” You breathed, long and heavy.  “Life’s short, I don’t have any ill feelings toward you. The past is in the past. You’re one of the only people I’ve ever had in my life that I’m completely comfortable with. And to be completely honest, I’ve felt very comfortable learning about you in…this...way…so far…so if you’re okay with it, I’d really like to fuck you senseless.” 

She burst out with laughter, covering her face through deep belly laughs. “God, I missed your dumb ass.” She playfully slapped you across the arm. “I feel the same, Sammy. This doesn’t have to be that serious. Just two friends making each other feel good.”

“Exactly.” And you meant it. The only feelings you felt for her right now were lust. Respectful, platonic, gorgeous lust. 

“Alright then, come fuck me senseless Sammy.” 

You laughed as you dipped down, laying a hot, wet kiss right between her breasts. You landed a few more right beneath the swells, unintentionally finding a sensitive spot. Her back arched. 

“Mmm...I plan on it, babe. But first…”

You then drug your tongue right down the center of her chest and stomach, tracing her sternum down to between her hips. 

She hummed with surprised anticipation, instinctively running her hands through your hair to pull the strands back that had fallen from the hair tie. 

You slowly began to run your tongue along the outsides of her lips, teasing her. She groaned a sound that you didn’t recognize. 

“Too personal?” you asked, half joking, half truly wanting permission. 

“You really think I’m going to turn this down, Sam?” She responded, giving you the go ahead. 

With that, you dipped your tongue languidly straight from her opening to the top, stopping at her clit and running circles over it with slow, intentional waves. 

Her body language let you know she was okay with it, as she immediately had a tighter grip on your hair. You began to go to work after that. She tasted like heaven. Just how you’d always imagined. But you’d never tell her that. 

You switched between quick and sharp movements to slow, calculated swirls, paying special attention to her reactions and banking them away in your memory. She was writhing, legs falling open as wide as they could only to close again and squeeze around your head. You brought a hand up to tease at her entrance, not entering all the way so as to add to her anticipation. 

Her body was shaking and spasming as you felt like you were bringing her closer to the edge. You moved your eyes to look up at her, and she met your gaze. Fucking beautiful. She smiled deviously again, mouth cocked open in pleasure. She gave one last final tug on your hair before she toppled over the edge, her body quivering and vibrating through the orgasm. 

You sat up, her hand meeting your mouth to wipe off her wetness. 

“Jesus Christ Sam. Tell me again why you never snuck me away to the basement?” She said through pants of exasperated breaths. 

You met again in a heated kiss, her pulling you into her by your hair, neck, shoulders…anything she could get ahold of to close the gap between you. 

You felt her reach between you and take your length in her hand. She wasted no time in letting you know what she wanted, the strokes of her hand rough and depraved.

“Wait,” you said. 

You reached into your bedside table and tore a condom off the long strip, opened its contents and removed it. 

“Look at you being responsible...” She giggled as you slid it over yourself. 

“Hey, I haven’t talked to you in years, I’m not trying to jeopardize my future love life because of silly old you.” You knew that would get under her skin. 

“You asshole!” She punched your shoulder. “I’m clean and healthy, I’ll have you know. I’m the one that should be worried, Mr. ‘We’ve traveled the world and won a Grammy' blah blah bla-" 

You quickly placed your free hand over her mouth, effectively muffling her words. 

“Shhhhhh, I’m trying to fuck you senseless.” you tease.

No sooner than you had finished your sentence, she bit hard into your hand, pulling your middle finger into her mouth. Her tongue was rolling and nibbling and sucking, it sent a chill down your spine and all the blood rushed straight to your dick. She might kill you tonight. 

That was enough to send you over the edge, no more fucking around. You rolled your body on top of her, and pulled your knee up to spread her legs. Your finger was still in her mouth, and your hand was covering it. 

“Y/N, are you… a brat?” You grabbed your length in your other hand, and began teasing at her entrance, eliciting a little moan from her. She arched her back into you, looking for more. 

She shook her head side to side, “huh uh” she spoke through your hand, smiling giddily. Then she pulled your finger into her mouth impossibly deep, you could feel the back of her tongue on your fingertip. She swallowed. God, your head was spinning like a top. 

“Hmm really?” you growled, bringing your mouth to her ear. “Because it seems like you might be.” On your last word, you pressed your dick into her, filling her to the hilt. You left your hand across her mouth, forcing her to stay quiet. Her eyes shot closed at the feeling of you filling her. 

You stayed still, taunting her, letting her get used to the feeling. When in all reality, you were taking the moment in. You wanted to savor it, feel it completely. You wished you could take the condom off, feel her completely and wholly. She felt so warm and so tight, you could only imagine what she felt like skin to skin. 

She spit your finger from her mouth. “What happened to the senseless part, Sam?” 

You took that as an invitation to go ahead. You began slow thrusts, so as not to move things along too quickly. Immediately she was writhing beneath you, hands moving up and down your back and into your hair. You did your best to find a rhythm, but she was making things impossibly difficult with her reactions. Shit. She felt amazing. 

You began to pick up the pace a little, grabbing her leg and bending it to wrap around your waist. Apparently, that was the right spot. Your moves were sensual. Senseless, but sensual. You let your head fall to her ear, biting the lobe and running your tongue behind it. 

“Fuuuuck yes, Sam,” she spat out breathlessly. You were beginning to lose composure, but were far from being finished with her. Her sounds alone could send you into a frenzy at this point. She began to whine a little as you blew cold air onto the places your tongue had left. 

You sat up, grabbed her hips and propped yourself up on one knee, towering above her. This new angle was stellar, you had a full view, though dark and still slightly under the covers, of what was happening. You watched yourself slide in and out of her, and began to slow your pace. 

“Take it off, Sam.” she said in a demanding tone. 

“What?” You breathed. 

“Take the condom off.” 

You fumbled your words. “Sh-really? Are you sure? I was just joking earlier, I’m clea-"

“Sam, I trust you more than I trust anyone in my life. Take it off.” she pleaded.

Who were you to deny her that? You removed yourself from her, and the two of you worked together to slide it off. 

The air had changed just a little. You peered down to her blissed-out face. “I wanna feel you.” she whispered. 

The rush of blood to all your extremities was enough to knock you over. She had no idea what she was doing to you. Her natural confidence was newfounded, she always had it but, damn. This was something else. 

She pushed you backwards, and switched your places. You found yourself underneath her again. You immediately reached for her warmth, wanting to touch her. You found her clit, and began making small swirls over top of it. You reached down a bit further, and gathered up her wetness, bringing it to make everything impossibly slick. She tilted her head back in a moan. 

“God, babe. You’re so wet. Is that all for me?” You asked in a teasing tone. 

“No idiot, it’s for me,” she playfully rolled her eyes as you laughed. 

“Touché.” You walked right into that one. 

You quickened your swirls with your thumb, and added a finger inside her. 

“Shitttt Sam, really?” You began pumping your finger in and out while continuing your assault on her clit. After a few seconds of undoing her, she grabbed your hand and pulled it away, then lifted herself to let you enter her again. The raw contact had the two of you falling onto one another, bodies instantly turning into puddles as she slowly sat all the way down, and bottomed out. 

“Jesus Christ, y/n….ffffuck meee, you feel so-” you could do nothing else but sit up slightly, finding her lips again and bringing her to a deep and sensual kiss. All the while moaning hard into her mouth. There were no words to describe how good she felt. Velvety smooth on you. 

She began bouncing slowly up and down, almost breaking contact completely before setting herself back down again. Her hands were on your pecs, squeezing and kneading them as her head rolled from side to side with pleasure overcoming her face. She was absolutely stunning. 

You reached up to grab a fistful of her hair, you wrapped it all around your hand tightly and pulled hard, bringing her face close to yours. Your foreheads rested on each other as she continued riding her way into oblivion. Both covered in a sheen of sweat, you found yourselves enraptured in pure ecstasy. 

The eye contact, the hitched breaths, the quick and deep kisses…you should have been doing this a long long time ago. Her sounds were becoming more and more strangled, like she was going to tumble over the edge at any minute. You began lightly rubbing her back, and she sat back up, stopping the bounce, now simply grinding in circles. 

“You’re so fuckin beautiful, y/n.” She smiled deviously, and you reached up a hand to her throat, squeezing gently. “That ok?” You asked. 

“Fuck yeah, it’s okay,” she replied. 

Yep. She’s going to kill you tonight. 

You felt yourself twitching inside her, and you knew it wouldn’t be long. Luckily, you could tell she was beginning to come apart herself. You reached for her clit again with your free hand, letting her take the reigns while she held onto you for dear life. 

The sounds she was making were nearly pornographic; you were glad you didn’t live in an apartment. She reached a hand up to grasp the wrist of your hand on her throat, squeezing it tightly, signaling you to do the same and you obliged. Suddenly she was collapsing and falling apart, soaking you in the process. You watched as she rode herself through it, pupils blown out and face beautifully contorted. She smiled when she came back to. 

“God damn I wish you could see yourself…” you trailed off again. She began bouncing harder now, quickly bringing you to the brink. 

“Where do you…I’m-” she quickly hopped off of you, squatted down, and took your length in her mouth, pumping with her hands and mouth. That was all it took…you exploded into a million pieces, sending your streams into her mouth. She squeezed your thighs on the come down, and left no mess behind. 

Once you landed back on earth, she removed her mouth, and chuckled. You were left breathless, wordless, mindless- everything was gone from your brain. 

“Are you fucking serious, y/n?” you said through labored breaths. “I think that was the hottest- you’re literally-” you stammer. You couldn’t even form sentences. You covered your face in disbelief as she climbed up to lay next to you. 

You could do nothing else but pull her into a tight squeeze. “Where have you been all my life?” You ask through an expectant smile. 

She lifted her head and looked at you sarcastically. 

“Oh yeah, up my brother’s ass.” You replied, just waiting for her next playful blow to your shoulder. 

SMACK. 

“There it is. I’m sorry. I deserved that one.” you said, massaging your collarbone. 

“Don’t be a dick Sam, that’s a touchy subject.” she scoffed.

You sighed. “I know it is, I won’t pick on you anymore, college girl.” you tease again.

That one landed you a pillow to the face. 

“Sam, I’m serious. Quit while you’re ahead.” she warned. 

“Ok, ok sheesh.” You paused and pulled her in closer, softly kissing her lips. “I am ahead, aren’t I?”

You decided to not delve anymore, ruin a good feeling. You let yourself drift off to sleep, curled up to the once love of your life, who surprisingly, at this point, no longer held you completely captive. For some reason, even after all of tonight’s events, your heart didn’t beat the same for her anymore.

——

You woke up the next morning tangled in your sheets, but no longer tangled up with her. She had found her spot on the other side of your king bed, perfectly comfortable in her own space. Your head pounded a little from the dehydration setting in. 

The sound of crunching gravel had you snapping your head towards the window as you heard a car pulling up, stopping in front of the house. You rubbed your eyes and hopped over to the window, peeking out the blinds. Shit. Jake. You’d forgotten he was bringing a portfolio of paperwork over for you to sign off on for the label. You shook her awake. 

“Hey, y/n, wake up, hey!” Her eyes opened one at a time as she craned her neck to look at you. 

“Listen, Jake just pulled up, don’t go anywhere.” She shot up out of the bed, and at the same time, you both realized you were still completely nude. 

“SHIT!” You both chimed, clobbering over the bed trying to find clothes to dress yourselves. 

She was pulling a pair of your sweatpants on and you were pulling your shirt over your head as you heard the front door open. You forgot he had a key. 

“Sammy boyyyy! Awakennn!” you heard Jake beckon from the front door. You motioned to her to be quiet with a finger over your lips as you walked out, closing the door behind you. 

“Good morning brother. You’re awfully chipper for it to be this early,” you said through a yawn, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. You walked over to start a pot of coffee. 

“And you’re awfully fully dressed to have had what looks to be a rendezvous last night, hm?” he quipped back. 

Fuck. That was fast. 

You turned around slowly to see her green coat hanging from his finger. He looked around, noticing her boots on the floor, and her purse hanging on the back of the chair. You had no words. 

“Didn’t bother to take her home after getting into some trouble last night? Or was the trouble you got into here?” he scoffs.

His voice was deeply quiet, but not mad. He seemed to just want you to explain. 

Just then, you heard your bedroom door close. And here she came, waltzing through your home like she owned the place, donned in your tshirt and sweatpants. Oh hell. 

“Good morning, sunshines! How is everyone this morning?” she asked, like absolutely nothing in the world could faze her. Jake was taken by surprise, you noticed his body language instantly turn from confrontational to timid. 

“Jake…hey. It’s really good to see you.” She sweetly walked over to him, and took him in a completely professional hug. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk much last night, Sam and I got caught up in some nostalgic conversation.” 

He was still holding her jacket. Neither of you spoke a word, but instead just stood, too stunned to reply. 

After the longest pause, Jake finally spoke. “Uh yeah, hey y/n.. it’s good to see you too. It’s been..umm..a while.” You could tell by his tone that though he was trying to be cordial, he was dying to have his own nostalgic conversation with her. 

“It has.” she replied, crossing her arms. The three of you stood in awkward silence for a few beats. 

“Hey Sam, um, I’ve gotta be at work in a bit, could you run me home?” she asked.

“Yeah, yep. I can do that.” You said, rushing around and looking for your keys. 

“Thanks.” She started walking back toward your room to gather her things. “Jake, see ya around.” And she was out of sight. 

You felt the weight of the world crashing down on you from just one look from your brother. He stared at you silently seething before he finally spoke, “Just sign the fucking papers and take them back to Josh.” He tossed her jacket across the table, and left your house without another word. 

——

“Do you have any regrets?” You asked her as the two of you sat cross-legged on the end of your bed. 

She took a deep cleansing breath, and shook her head. 

“No. I really don’t.” You felt relief completely wash over your body, as you were scared that in your drunken state last night, you may have made the wrong decisions. 

“Do you?” She side-glanced to you, afraid of the answer you were going to give. 

You mirrored her action. “Nope.”

“Still don’t have any feelings for me anymore?” She pressed. 

You let this one sit with you for a second.  “Honestly, I don’t think I do, y/n, as strange as that sounds.” She agreed with a nod. “But I had a really good time last night. Like a really good time.”

She smiled. “I did too. Who would have thought that sleeping with your best friend actually wouldn’t be weird?” The two of you sat in relieved silence. “I’m glad we can be honest with each other again. I missed that.” she said sweetly. “I missed you.”

Three years ago, those words would have made your life turn upside down and fall into a frenzy, but, her words didn’t sting. They didn’t make your stomach do flips. Instead, they gave you a strange sense of comfort and sentimentality. A sense of familiarity. 

She was so endearing, enrapturing. You still felt a draw to her, something deep and archaic, that you couldn’t explain. You suddenly felt an innate pull to chase that feeling again and again, not having any idea where it might land you. And also not caring where it did. 

JAKE POV

You flung the door to your Jeep open, and hopped inside, slamming the door shut behind you. You were seething with anger. Anger and betrayal and disappointment. You gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles, and felt a sharp pain radiate through your right hand. The lasting effects of your fractured hand still hanging around even after all this time. You scoffed at the irony. Her, still tying you to some of the worst pain you’ve ever experienced in your life. 

You thought you were free of it. Did you miss her? Of course. Things were left on terms that weren’t great. But the phone worked both ways. She didn’t try. She faded away so quickly. 

You thought you’d proven yourself time and time again of wanting to be with her, and only her. But it wasn’t good enough. She had her reasons, and they made sense from the outside looking in. But not to you. Not for you. 

She was gone.  And you thought it was for good this time. You’d finally found separation and ripped the band aid off. You found what felt like happiness again, in Sophia. And now, here she was again, crashing into your new life like a freight train. Into Sam’s life. And apparently into his bed. 

You were speeding down the highway, eyes crossing at the feeling of betrayal from your brother. How could he do this? But more importantly, why were you so affected?

——

A few hours later, you pulled into the parking lot of the practice studio in a cloud of dust from the gravel. You put it in park, and removed your sunglasses. You saw stars. Maybe you shouldn’t have had that last drink. You flipped down the visor and checked your appearance. Eyes bloodshot, cheeks red. Perfect. You popped a piece of gum into your mouth, and replaced the sunglasses. You were the last one to arrive, as usual. 

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been calling and calling. And I thought I was the one always late.” Josh spat as soon as you opened the front door. “God, you reek of bourbon. You idiot, are you drunk?” 

You straightened up, and leaned in closely to your twin. “Please. Stop. Talking.”  you all but slurred. He held his hands up in surrender. 

“As long as you can fucking play... I can’t believe you drove like this. Stupid, really.” He spoke as he turned and walked toward the booth. 

You joined everyone after taking your guitar from the case and plugging it in. 

“Jacob.” Sam said in a blank tone. 

“Samuel.” you answered short and clipped. You cleared your throat. “Alright. Let’s get going.”

The tension was thick. The air was heavy. You felt flush, and you were starving. A headache had begun to creep its way into your forehead. You made it through the first few songs without too much trouble, thanking your muscle memory for doing its job while you struggled to even see straight. As time went on, though, you began to struggle a bit. 

“Christ Jake, I can’t catch your cues if you don’t play them!” Josh yelled. “We’ve got to get this shit tight.” 

“Just do it again.” You spoke. 

You heard a collective scoff come from Danny and Sam. You turned to see them rolling their eyes in aggravation. 

“Do either of you have something to say? Because I’d like to hear it if so.” You raised your voice, pushing the guitar to hang around your back. 

“You sound like shit, Jake! Just get it together so we can wrap this up.” Sam answered in his whiny youngest sibling tone. It struck a nerve. 

“Wrap it up? You heard Josh, we’ve got to get this tight. We aren’t going anywhere until we hit it. Besides, where the fuck do you want to go in such a hurry, hm?” You felt heat rising in your face. You knew exactly where he was going. 

“You’re the one who keeps fucking up! We all sound fine. Maybe you shouldn’t have gone to the bar at 2 pm.” The last bit of his sentence trailed off under his breath. 

“Son of a bitch, here we go,” you heard Danny mumble, setting his sticks on the drumhead. 

“For your information, Samuel, it’s none of your business what I do with my free time. So I’d shut it before you really piss me off.” You swung your guitar back around to the front. 

“I don’t know, I think it’s kind of all of our business what you do in your free time, seeing as how it might constitute you coming to practice fully fucking drunk and unable to play the simplest of chord progressions...” he spat as you cut him off. 

“OK Sam. Since we should know everything about each other at all times, why don’t you tell the family what you were doing last night, then? And this morning? Come on, we need details… No secrets anymore.” Your words were flying now, rage filling you to the brim. You held your fingers against your lips, eyes meeting Sam’s and sincerely waiting to hear what kind of reply he had. 

Josh and Danny waited in anticipation, all eyes on Sam. You felt the alcohol still pulsing through your veins, vision still blurred. 

He cleared his throat. 

“Alright, fine. I was with y/n. We went out. Got drunk. And she came back to my house.” He stopped there. It was silent for a few beats. 

You felt absolutely defeated. Heartbroken. Truly let down, and the tone of your voice matched it. 

“Sam, did you sleep with her? Did you sleep with my girl?” You felt your lip quiver just a little, succumbing to the encompassing blur that the emotions and whiskey had left you in. 

He looked behind you, then met your eyes. He bit the inside of his cheek, and nodded slowly. 

There was no way to describe the feeling that overtook you. The only way to explain it was just plain sickness. Not madness. Not fury. 

You turned around to face away from everyone as you collected your thoughts. The silence that fell on the room was deafening. You quickly pulled the plug on your guitar, tossing the cord to the floor.

“Let’s just... Meet back up tomorrow morning. It seems like we all might need some time.” Josh thankfully spoke up. “Jake, I'm driving you. Let’s go.” 

——

Josh didn’t say much on the drive, and you were a bit relieved. You needed a second to just sit and stare at nothing. Your head was still spinning and all you could do was lean it against the headrest and close your eyes. After a few minutes of Josh’s reckless driving, he slammed a water bottle to your chest. 

“Chug it, asshole. We’re here.” You slumped down in your seat, feeling like the world had dropped all around you. You unbuckled your seatbelt and slowly trudged your way up the walkway, following far behind Josh who was waiting at the door. 

When you made it inside, you immediately went to the fridge and pulled out yesterday’s leftovers. Not even bothering to heat them, you dug in. 

“Jesus, you are fucked up,” Josh said, taking a seat at the island. 

“I haven’t eaten in 20 hours.” you said, monotone. 

“She’s really got you in your feelings again, doesn’t she? I thought we were past this.” Josh said, crossing his arms.  “Lay it out for me, brother. I’m here to listen. Tell me what’s going on so I can try to help before the band implodes.”

You took a deep breath, throwing the to-go box in the trash and screwing the top off the water bottle. “I don’t want to. You can just go home. Thank you for the ride, though.” you muttered, walking into the living room to hopefully pass out on the couch until tomorrow. 

“Oh no you don’t.” you could hear Josh’s footsteps behind you. You felt slightly aggravated, and the headache was getting worse. 

“Josh, you saw what happened at the studio! It should be self explanatory! Do I need to recount every fuckin detail?” You raised your voice to him.

“Have you talked to Sam about it? Or did you just assume their situation?” He asked. The question actually stunned you. 

“What do you mean assume their situation? He told me! He told all of us!” Your arms were raising with your voice now. 

Josh kept his calm and collected, as always. “Yeah, but have you talked to her?” He asked again, with no emotion in his voice. 

“When the fuck would I have had time to talk to her? I just saw her for the first time since they left the bar last night. All cuddled up in conversation over there, didn’t even bother to say hello.” you were rambling now. Placing blame where it didn’t need to be placed out of resentment. 

Josh just sat with his arms crossed raising a brow in question. 

“Why didn’t you go say hello? Like the rest of us did? Just because Sophia was there? You and y/n aren’t together anymore. It’s been years. It would have been perfectly okay for you to go and catch up with an old friend.” He said matter-of-factly. “But you just sat there, and kept to yourself. Kind of rude, honestly.”

You let out an exasperated sigh and fell harder into the couch, laying out with your legs outstretched. 

“No, it wouldn’t have been okay, Josh. It wouldn’t have been perfectly okay and you know that.” You covered your eyes with your hand. “Shit will never be perfectly okay between me and her. It’s like the universe just fucks us over any chance it gets. I thought I was free of it, moving here. Finding Sophia. But everytime she comes around again it’s like my whole world turns itself upside down. Why can’t I just move on?” you plead.

You felt yourself spilling your feelings to your brother. Thanks a lot, Bourbon. 

“And now we see her for the first time in fuckin years, and she hooks up with Sam? Are you fuckin kidding me?! She completely forgot about everything we went through together? Everything I said and did…she just disappeared. After I tried so damn hard for us.”

Josh sat stoic, milling over your words. He knew something you didn’t. 

“Just let it be, brother. You have a serious girlfriend now. They’re adults. We’re all adults. Not much you can change in this situation.” Josh had a look on his face that you knew too well. 

You sat up quickly, “You talked to her, didn’t you? Before we got to the bar. What did she say?” You pressed. 

He stood up grabbing his keys, “She said exactly what you think she said, Jake. Now go to sleep. You look like hell.” And with that, he left the house. 

‘She said exactly what you think she said.’ 

Coming from someone who shares your brain cells, you knew what he was implying. 

Maybe she does still feel the same. 

HER POV 

“Thanks for the ride, Sammy. I’ll talk to you later?” You asked, hopping out of Sam’s car. 

“Yeah, see you this weekend!” he says, putting the car into drive and pulling away.

You walked upstairs to your apartment door, and let yourself in. You plopped down your bed, mind absolutely racing with the past day’s occurrences. 

Excitement from seeing Josh and everyone again for the first time in years, in your new city. 

Giddiness and some confusion from the whirlwind of sleeping with Sam. 

And pure anxiety from simply being in the same building as Jake. And his new girlfriend. You still held resentment toward him, and the way things were left between you. The way he never reached out again. The way he let you slip through his fingers so easily.

You let your mind trip and stumble over every detail, while watching your ceiling fan spin slowly above you. You tried to keep your eyes locked on one fan blade while it spun, following it around in circles for it to only make your eyes dizzy and lose track of it.  It was funny, the metaphor that wrote itself in your mind. You did nothing but chase Jake around in circles for years, only to lose track of him time and time again. 

Fate was funny. And you didn’t understand why your mind was so heavy on him after having a very satisfying go-around with his brother last night. You covered your face with your hands. 

FUCK. 

You SLEPT with Sam! Moreover, you essentially initiated it! You felt embarrassed and ashamed, the normal guilt that always follows a one-night stand. What the hell were you thinking last night? You didn’t have feelings for Sam like that. You never have. 

But you let him know that. And he understood. The feeling, or lack thereof, was mutual. You took a deep breath, and tried to talk yourself through the mantra of “Sex is okay between friends. Consenting adults. It doesn’t have to have meaning. It’s a natural, carnal, physical need.”

You laughed at yourself, raising your eyebrows.

It was an excellent lay. 

And you’d be lying to yourself if you said you wouldn’t be willing to hook up with him again. Visions of his face and his body and his hands on you replayed in your mind’s eye. Purely physical. Pure lust. Mirrored bodies that already understood each other so well, the physical touch was just an extension of it.

But it wasn’t Jake. Nothing has ever been like Jake. Before or after. After Andy, Jake let you know what it felt like to make love, not just have sex. He cared about his every movement, every touch, intentional. You’ve never felt a connection like that with anyone ever before. You had a hunger for him that was unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. Insatiable and honest, no barriers or boundaries, and the feeling of complete and utter love. 

But you knew you’d never get that feeling back. You’d only be chasing it around in circles for the rest of forever, slipping up and losing track of him over and over. 

You sat up and attempted to clear your head. Sam had invited you to a party this weekend, and it was already Thursday. You only questioned going for a split second, until Sam’s begging puppy dog eyes wrapped you into saying yes. You had always had a hard time denying those eyes.

Maybe you’d end up back at home that night. But, more than likely, you wouldn't.

You knew it would be Sam’s bed you’d wake up in, and furthermore, you’d like it.

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Outtake: Plan A

Taglist: @gretavansara@jordierama@starshine-wagner@gretavanfvckface@gretavanmoon@gvfjess @misshunnybeebee@fretaganvleet@gvfpal@joshkiszkas@ascendingtostardust @raviolilegs@sammysprincess@gvfpal@objectsinspvce@lallisonl@gvfpal@raviolilegs@jaketlover@ascendingtostardust @indigostreakmorgan @jakemarrymeibeg @fakeplastiqtree @radmads-gvf

[asmoteeth]

Sharing this gofundme in here because Tiktok absolutely SUCKS with things like this

Full story under cut but you can read it in the petition biography, along with photography proof of this gofundme veracity

I am Hasan Alaloul, I'm reaching out to you on behalf of My Family currently in Gaza, which suffered and still suffering since the previous war on 2021, when the Israelians attacked our house for the first time and killed my father Dr Mooein Al-Aloul الله يرحمه , and my mother and my little sister were seriously injuired as they were in the same room with my father. At this point my mother and sister were totally homeless and we spend the last two years in treatment my mother and sister, and rebuild our house. We finished rebuild the house just six months before the genocide 2023 started, and again our beloved house attacked for the second time; bombed again and completly destroyed in this war.

Between 2021 and 2023, my mother stayed with my brother and his family at his house, stand it between treatment and rebuilding the house. And my sister travel to Turkey for treatment and while there she started studying master degree as she believed that personal growth was the best way to move forward.

Aya -my little sister- suffers from severe burn injuries in her face and hands, and she was supposed to continue her treatment in Turkey and to graduate in February with a master degree in International Business but her dreams has shattered and now she is fighting just to survive another day with my mother and the rest of my family, they have escaped bombings on several occasions, and were displaced five times; it’s a miracle they are still alive until now!!

On April 2023, before the start of the genocide, we had finished rebuild our house and my mother stayed only six months at the house!! Then she came to visit me and my family, and thats when I saw her for the first time after 6 years, and my sister was very excited to see the house after completing it’s rebuild so they returned to Gaza on Septemper; just two weeks before the genocide started, she want to stay with my mother for few weeks in Gaza and they were planning to travel together to Turkey in December 2023 so that my sister could finish her last master semester.

But the Genocide started and turned this story to ashes, this war turned reality, future, dreams and hopes into ashes. Turned life into a Tent.

We survived the first time but this war literally destroyed everything and left my whole family grappling with profound challenges. The recent wave of destruction has left my mother, little sister, my brother and his family and my two other sisters and thier families homeless, live in a tent, without any possessions, without basic necessities to live including (water, food, clothing, bedding and medicine) and without any hope.

I'm in a situation having all those people on my responsibilty and I can't stand lose one of them after we already lost our father due to this conflict. My immediate goal to evacuate my family to a safe place away from the ongoing war.

The funds will be used for travel through the Rafah border crossing to Egypt and essential needs such as temporary housing, food, medical care and basic necessities for my family until we can establish a more stable situation where we can begin the process of rebuilding our shattered lives again.

Every donation, will make a significant difference in helping my family rebuild their lives regardless of it's size and provide the basic necessities for my family as devastation has left them in a precarious situation.

It makes me sad to have to ask for this and ask for help but I really don't know what to do. So I thought I'd try this Gofundme since I was running out of options and I am the sole breadwinner for the family now. I know this request seems impossible but I truly believe in miracles and God always with us and can make possible that which seems impossible. Your support during this profoundly challenging time will offer us hope amid despair.

My heartfelt thanks to you for taking the time to read this and share it! Please reach out to me if you have any questions or concerns. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness.

[hanarchy]

Hi friends, I illegally logged into tumblr on my work computer on the first working day of 2023 specifically to make this post properly. I don't have a good computer and I simply could not do this on my phone.

Ok, Time to get emo :)

I discovered SKZ at the end of last year, I personally date my anniversary to somewhere between December 29th 2021 and January 2nd 2022. It's a good thing too because I get overemotional at the end of the year anyway and now I can just schedule all my gratitude and emo times at the same time.

I want to start from the beginning bc the only reason 2022 was a good year for me was this discovery. this is a bit of recap for me because I wanted to do it. If you're tagged in it it means that you played a part in my year and meant something to me. Feel free to only read your little paragraphs (or nothing at all, theres no obligation), this is bound to get unspeakably long.

first, I want to give a quick shout out to the people I started talking to/followed more recently @hyunpic (I haven's checked twitter today, did hyunjin kill you yet or did he get all of that out of the way in 2022?) @mybodyfails (did u ever listen to stromae?) @jisungsjaistandjeekies (how was the first day of your new job?) The best thing about getting another year on tumblr is the promise of getting to know you all more <3

@quokki you were literally the first person I ever followed for stray kids content. It was around february, when I looked for fanart for the first time and reactivated my twitter and I found your hannies. It took a little longer but I'm so glad we are friends now. I really love our chats/meltdowns abt hanji and you're incredibly talented and kind and also just correct abt a lot of stuff lmao

@alexenglish alex, I know we don't talk that much but you were the first person to really talk to me abt k-pop stuff and I will never forget that. I also cannot thank you enough for showing me rolling quartz and for reading the stupid thing that i wrote that one time. it seems trivial but i literally do not show anyone my writing ever and anytime I do and it's a good experience it makes me a little braver so thank you, seriously. and also thank you for sticking around even when I'm a dick

my first comeback in march was soso special because I had people to freak out with. I was in Ireland at the time and even hough I was brand new in online stayville I felt a lot less alone than I could've.

in april i started talking to @sailsflyseaward but I honestly can't believe it has only been 9 months. We've met 3! times since then and you're already one of my most precious online friends and I feel like I've known you way longer. I have to try very hard to stay cynical and not believe in fate and the universe being a good place when I think about how we could've just never met.

I was EXHAUSTED the first 4 months of this year, I hated most of it. I turned 30 in april, i had been to ireland and to the north sea on vacation in march and april but all of it felt hollow and exhausting and terrible. In germany we say that may makes everything anew and it certainly was true for me this year. I planned a trip to toronto, I got a raise, I got to see mamamoo, ive and a bunch of others live and i spoke a little to so so many sweet people.

@nevoono who makes literally the cutest fucking things ever and was my first german k-pop friend ever and also is just... really cool in such a unique way. idk I'm sorry I'm terrible at keeping up.

to @ambivartence who I don't talk to a ton but who also is literally the coolest artist alive and made me feel very happy to know that others also travel very far to see their groups. I stare at your paintings so much, i honestly should not admit it but there's just always so much to see.

and to @pvddins-art who is one of the sweetest and kindest and most generous people I've ever met, which is a high bar because I use those words for a lot of people, but for you they are more true than for anyone.

getting to go to a k-pop festival in germany as my first experience was so good too. I really had no idea what it means to ba a k-pop fan and the whole community and culture and incredible vibes around it when you're there in person. I had a very exhausting day and it was hot as hell and I had a migraine after but it was all worth it

interlude because I don't remember when I started talking to you:

@brianbangs tay my sweetheart, i love you so much. you're just one of the people who get it. like. idk, it's hard for me to put into words properly but you get it when I'm being a hater and you get it when I'm being emotional and you get it when I'm being horny and you accept all of it. I also think you're really fucking creative and talented and I love being here with you so much

then june came and it was one of my best months ever ever. I went to another festival and got to relive the music I loved as a teen. seeing the strokes 16 years after I was a fan made me cry a lot lol. I went to see my favorite people alive @starmotions, @fromadifferentphase (and the third one who is missing but u know who u are) in toronto. and I do mean this literally you're my favorites. I'm the most me when I'm with you, I think of everyone who knows me no one knows me so completely. there isn't anyone I share more parts of myself with. the 1 week I just got to hang out with you was so incredibly precious to me, it made me power through most of the rest of the year. moments of joy! I got to see toronto and got to spend time with people I love. one of my friends came all the way from salt lake city just to see me.

then I went to new york and now there's a long ass list coming because 1. it was the first time I met my beloved julia, 2. it was when i met my beloved kay 3. i got to travel with my beloved di and we got to explore new york and eat so many tacos and learn about queer art and history and also it was when I met both

@chanstopher and @lonelystreetlight and I'm puting you both in the same paragraph bc I started talking to both of you at the same time and also discovered that we're literally the same tumblr user, I cannot believe that I found the old 1D crowd again and the old glee crowd AND even the old starkid people. ok, I had to google the songs from the space tour just now but it's insane that I could text someone about both status quo by starkid AND zone by 3racha.

and lastly it was OF COURSE when i fucking saw fucking stray kids in fucking person (sorry) I was so numb from everything going on, and from the heat and from newark airport that I didn't even cry but looking back on it I honestly can't even begin to believe how lucky I was to be able to do all of that in just one month.

july was the month I went to see harry styles (meh) and hang out with an old friend because of it (yay) and I have literally nothing else in my calender for the entire month but I know I was a bit stressed. however I don't think it was a terrible time.

In august I went to the south of germany on vacation to celebrat my moms birthday, we went to the opera outdoors and I felt extremely fancy the entire time and also saw so many flowers. then we started the stayblr discord.

@snug-gyu @hanjesungs @ggthydrangea @littleclouds @shmalll @babychicklix and everyone else in there! I am so glad it's a space to hang out and message each other and talk about skz. I know I left very quickly (unfortunately group situations are terrible for my mental health and I felt very bad very quickly) but I still got to start chatting with so many cool people and I'm always so happy that we did that.

@bangchanies king of the dumpster that is new jersey, my absolute favorite eyeshadow model and another one of the bitches that just get it, u know? you just get what I'm trying to say and I am grateful to have you to text when I want to be annoying. (you're also secretly incredibly sweet and I think you're honestly just a very kind and empathetic person and i would be sadder without you but i will not tell anyone that you're secretly nice)

@cheekyquokka even though you're not IN the server, I feel like we started really talking around the same time so you're getting put in here as well. you're so generous and sweet to your friends, I remember the surprise and amazement from both bee and ale at the packages you sent them, you're such a great fucking mutual to have because you know yourself and you make really cool gifs, every time one of yours comes across my dash i know it. idek why. anyway, thank you <3

around september was when I finally started the group chat and seven made it complete, so here comes that bit. I needed to make sure you all know how much you mean to me.

@bourgeoix I swear in some off-kilter way we are soulmates. you make both my fandom brain and the little kid that didn't know popstars but could draw the shape of gorbachevs blood spot feel at home. you're soooo fucking smart and we have like debated moral philosophy and learning and reasoning styles at length so I won't go into it but it's one of those amazing fated coincidences that we both befriended seven and then each other. you think it's cool that I live near to Olaf Scholz's barbershop. you're my favorite of all the nerds. I could read the stuff you write for years and years and never get bored. I need to eat your brain (as jace or seven would say) and I love that we get to be both smart and very very very dumb together.

@hyumjim I honestly cannot top what mel said but you're like. my only grown up friend. You genuinely have a patience and kindness with people that is really hard to find. I know you don't show this to everyone but it makes me all the more grateful that I get to experience it. you're also insane. when seven first added you to the gc I had sth to say that felt really crazy to me and was nervous in front of you and seven said 'emily is also insane' and so i posted it in the gc and now we're friends. i don't remember what it was but you gave great advice and i sort of feel like we disagree and fight in all the ways that makes a relationship better and you make me insecure but in a fun way. you're a huge hater and yet you genuinely love people and humanity more than most people alive. thank you for listening to me.

@jellino jace idek how to describe you but you're like....... my little brother but not in a lame way. you're also older than me in some ways. idk, I just love how much you love stuff. I love how sure you are of what you're not, even while always wondering what you are. I think of you so much when I see sea creatures and ice age characters and dumb stuff. the other day I saw a squirrel irl and i thought 'I have to send this to jace' bc it reminded me of scrat from ice age. i cannot look at a penguin without thinking about you. I don't think I'll ever go to a zoo and not think of you. I also am always hoping that you are ok, that you find your way, that you know I'm happy and proud to know you...

@bewby my love. seven. I think it will never not be complicated how much I love you because I want you to be ok so bad. but it doesn't matter if you are or not for me to love you a whole lot. you're so funny and so smart and I say neither of these things lightly, like you have such a quick wit and you want everyone to be ok so bad and you love people so much and i hope that some day you will know that it is enough and you are enough. meeting you that one time was so fun, like we literally did not need more than a half hour to find sooo much stuff to talk about. I love having a german kpoppie friend, I love your tender heart, I love how understanding you are! I hope you know how much!

honestly it's all 4 of you that got me through fall and winter so far, it's venting and bitching and joking and writing insanely long messages to you that make me feel like a human instead of a gremlin. It's knowing that you like me and think I'm someone you want to listen to. You mean so much to me, I can never pay that back.

so much happened in my personal k-pop world in october PLUS most of my friends had their birthdays too so it was a bit stressful and it ended with my great uncle dying but i did get to see my old friends and family, so it was good in the end.

november was cold and dark as always but i got to feel so much warmth in scotland, just spending a few days going to museums and coffeeshops and nothing else and then seeing my love julia for the scond time, learning about history and eating pies. then I went to london to see @sunflowercocoa again after 5 fucking years and it was so much fun. I know you know how much I love you, I had such a good time, thank you for being my friend. Thank you for making me leave the house, thank you for being generous and fun and spending time with me. I know you're strong enough to get through the next year or so and I know you're gonna be so happy and so successful and you have a great life ahead. I know you're not here much anymore and that it kind of annoys you but you were a big part of this year and this is like my diary at this point tbh.

i also met @geniaparadox my homie and so much fun to hang out with. honestly our day together kind of made me wish i could've gotten to hang out with you in high school, i feel like we would have been friends. thank you for talking to me abt how underrated felix is and for looking at the bts stuff in hmv and despair because being a k-pop fan in europe is very sad and for buying japanese tea and just being cool. i am so happy that you get to not go back to that job

december was november but worse but I started it off sososo well, seeing julia the 3rd time and going to nuremberg and munich and being slightly tipsy at the christmas market everywhere and going swing dancing for the first time and trying so many fun food and drink things. It was a sad and anxiety-inducing month because so many people I know were ill or dying but in the end we mostly made it through and I am grateful. I got to spend the end of the year surrounded by babies and puppies and it felt good to not have to deal with grown-up things for a few days and just play.

[revlyncox]

Love, Liberation, and New Visions: Wisdom from bell hooks

Love is more of a practice than a sentiment. This sermon was offered to The Unitarian Society in East Brunswick on February 11, 2024.

Love is an important practice for Unitarian Universalists. Indeed, love is at the center of the way UU values are described in the proposed revision to Article II of the UUA bylaws. As Valentine’s Day approaches, and we are bombarded with images of romantic love that may or may not be healthy, this is a good time to re-orient ourselves to our deepest values; we remind ourselves about what love means in concrete terms. 

A few years ago, the world lost one of its great sages who wrote about love. The author, feminist, poet, professor, and social activist known to her readers as bell hooks died in December of 2021 at the age of 69. She used her great-grandmother’s name as a pen name. She would write it in all lower case, and said that was so readers would focus on (quote) the “substance of books, not who I am.”

As an author and an academic, bell hooks was successful and influential. She taught at various universities such as Stanford, Yale, and City College of New York before returning home to Kentucky to join the faculty of Berea College in 2004, where she was a Distinguished Professor in Residence in Appalachian Studies. 

With over 30 published books on topics ranging from racism to pedagogy to a culture of place, there is a lot we can learn from bell hooks, yet in honor of the upcoming holiday and our exploration of love in the proposed Article II, concentrating on her book All About Love: New Visions seems the logical place to begin. Written in 1999 and published in 2000, this was her first in a series about love that also included “Communion,” “The Will to Change,” and “Salvation.” While the book All About Love does address romantic love, hooks makes the specific point that romance isn’t the only or the most important kind of love, and that all love is better understood as a practice rather than a sentiment. 

In practicing a love ethic, hooks said that love is best understood as a verb. Inspired by M. Scott Peck and The Road Less Traveled, hooks advocated for clear, operational definitions of love. She wrote, “To truly love, we must learn to mix various ingredients–care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication” (From “Chapter One: Clarity: Give Love Words”). We might be surprised that, as a poet, hooks was less caught up in creating metaphors and images that described the inner experience of feeling affection than she was fierce in insisting that we can all learn how to love well. Yet, as a poet, she knew that words need to have meaning in the living world. 

Dr. Takiyah Nur Amin made the point in this week’s Braver/Wiser devotional newsletter that Unitarian Universalism is a lived faith. Our actions matter. She also talked about the theological importance of Black Unitarian Universalist history, because much of what our Black UU ancestors have to teach is written in their lives rather than in essays. She writes:

If you’re seeking sacred Black “text” in our tradition, you have to examine the way our Black ancestors lived. You have to seek out the Black folks who were in Unitarian and Universalist or UU congregations, and the work that they were doing in community—whether it was suffrage, or trying to educate Black children, or their working towards social action or civil access. Our “text” is embodied in the lives of people like Frances Ellen Watkins Harper, Joseph Jordan, David Eaton, and countless others.

(Dr. Amin continues)

One of the things I love about this tradition is that our faith is covenantal and not confessional—meaning that to some degree, our tradition cares little about what you stand up and say you believe. The evidence of your Unitarian Universalism is embodied in the depth of your relationships: how do you live in relationship to self and other? (I don't just mean human other: to the plants, to the animals, to the stars…) The proof is in the pudding, for UUs. It’s not about what you have to say. How are you living?

I encourage you to read Dr. Amin’s whole reflection. How we live means how we show up for our values in the public square, and how we treat the people around us, and how we steward the resources with which we have been entrusted, and how we commit to growing as people. It’s all love. 

Here at TUS, one of the ways we practice love is by adhering to the right relations covenant. This document is on display in the hall, and I’ll read it to you:

Right Relations Covenant

As members and friends of this Unitarian Universalist congregation, we affirm that our community is founded on openness, trust, respect, and love. In our time together–in meetings and conversations and worship and work–we covenant with one another to freely explore our values and honor our diversity as a source of communal strength. Therefore, I will:

accept responsibility for my individual acts and interactions;

in all encounters, speak for myself, from my own experience;

allow others to speak for themselves;

listen with respect and resilience;

not criticize the views of others or attempt to pressure or coerce others;

not interrupt–except to indicate that I cannot hear;

participate within the time frames suggested by the facilitator;

communicate with kindness and clarity in service of justice and peace in our community

Love is one of the values named right in the first sentence of the Right Relations Covenant. Love is operationalized, it’s about the ways we behave, and the ways we demonstrate respect. One of the things I notice about this covenant is that it requires us to slow down. We allow others to speak for themselves; that takes time. We listen with respect and resilience; that takes time. Deep and healthy relationships require an investment of the gift of time. 

Love, in a community setting, asks us to communicate about our perspectives, needs and wants; and also asks us to recognize the perspectives, needs, and wants of others. With kindness and consideration, we understand that our own perspective does not equal a demand that all operations be geared toward making us comfortable at the expense of others’ ability to participate. Love calls us to show up in service to others, to express appreciation, to look carefully for the pieces that are missing that would help us create a place where all can, as bell hooks says, “live fully and well.” 

Love makes room for repair. One of the things that sets a covenant apart from a list of rules is that it stretches to accommodate our human-ness. People make mistakes. A covenant should be constructed to take this into account, and to invite people back into relationship as we acknowledge our mistakes and work toward making amends. In this morning’s story, bell hooks (in the voice of Girlpie) reminds us that “there is no all the time right. But all the time any hurt can be healed. All wrongs forgiven. And all the world made peace again.”

We come together in community from a variety of backgrounds, bringing all kinds of experiences and heavy emotions from other parts of our lives; of course we will sometimes make mistakes and have conflicts. Our brushes with misunderstanding, when we navigate them skillfully, can be the sandpaper that softens our sharp corners and helps us to smooth out the pathways for forward movement. 

This is sharply different from how many of us were raised. There are plenty of settings without room for forgiveness or repair. We might say that these are places without grace, though I know that can be a tricky word. There are families where perfection, or at least a convincing illusion of perfection, is expected at all times, and failure to produce that perfection results in isolation and rejection. There are cultural expectations on some of us to be right, and where being right is more important than being collaborative. 

Switching gears to a practice of love in which we can discuss our differences honestly is a profound paradigm shift for many people. It is disconcerting to be asked to acknowledge conflict or hurts if our experience is that these conversations lead only to punishment and rejection rather than to a deeper relationship that comes from mutual understanding. If our previous experience is that discomfort is a one-way ticket to exclusion, the discomfort necessary in hearing other perspectives, in admitting that we don’t know everything, in accepting responsibility–all of that discomfort is hard to tolerate if we have been taught that discomfort and danger are the same thing. The active, flexible, living practice of love is necessary to create the spaces where we can be bold, authentic, and caring. 

This brings me to another point raised in All About Love, which is that the authentic practice of love is congruent with liberation. The true practice of love cannot coexist with abuse or with systems of domination. In the contrast I made just now between the loving community and the settings where no mistakes are tolerated, one of the ingredients that gets in the way of love is fear. As hooks writes in Chapter Six:

“Fear is the primary force upholding structures of domination. It promotes the desire for separation, the desire not to be known. When we are taught that safety lies always with sameness, then difference, of any kind, will appear as a threat. When we choose to love we choose to move against fear–against alienation and separation. The choice to love is a choice to connect–to find ourselves in the other.”

As an antidote to fear, hooks calls us to choose to be known, to choose to be our whole selves and to embrace the practice of other people being their whole selves, different from us. This is what we need to cultivate hope and to overcome the nihilism of isolation, despair, and fear. She quotes Cornel West, who says:

“Nihilism is not overcome by arguments or analyses, it is tamed by love and care. Any disease of the soul must be conquered by a turning of one’s soul. This turning is done through one’s own affirmation of one’s worth–an affirmation fueled by the concern of others.” (Quoted in All About Love, Chapter Six)

Cornel West is also known for reminding us that “justice is what love looks like in public.” For both West and hooks, love is a practice in our personal relationships and in our societal structures. Listen to West here, talking about “affirmation of one’s worth.” This is Humanist language, ready to unleash the potential of the inherent worth and dignity of every person, which necessarily includes dismantling the structures that dehumanize. West and hooks agree that making that turn is fueled by active care and concern, by practices of nurture and affirmation and support. The project of caring for one another and the project of humanizing the spaces we inhabit and the project of cultivating justice and mercy in the public sphere are all the same project. They are all aspects of love. 

I want to back up a little bit and talk about liberation, because it’s not a framework that everyone is used to. Liberation is not single-issue based, and it is not about more powerful people making good things happen on behalf of less powerful people. Liberation is a vision for a different way of being. Putting this in love terms, bell hooks says, “A love ethic presupposes that everyone has the right to be free, to live fully and well.” 

Liberation requires an assumption of agency, particularly the agency of people who are most impacted by oppression. Black liberation theologians like James Cone and Latin American liberation theologians like Gustavo Gutiérrez are also illuminating here. In liberation theology movements, our deepest sources of hope and inspiration are not separate from the world, but are present with us in the struggle for liberation. Liberation means freedom from oppression, living into a world that practices the inherent worth and dignity of every person, moving toward economic justice and collective concern for collective well-being. 

Liberation is a vision in which all of us need all of us. Our thriving is connected. Liberation is not about benefactors or saviors, but about people acting together for the collective good, because none of us are truly self-sufficient. Put another way, liberation is about right relationship, at every scale of relationship. And so, full circle, liberation is about love. When we behave in our relationships in a way that brings about mutual care and shared thriving, that is the love in operational terms that bell hooks spoke of. 

Liberation is a vision, it is a practice we can create on a small scale, even as we acknowledge that the larger society is not yet free. According to bell hooks, systemic oppression, accepted in the larger culture, is a major obstacle to our practice of true love. In All About Love, she explores the obstacles of patriarchy; gender roles and expectations that prevent people from being honest with others and themselves; norms of systemic oppression that turn what could be mutually caring relationships into power struggles. In other writing, she explores how racism gets in the way of relationships and in the way of the feminist movement. Systems of oppression overlap and interlock. Every aspect of a worldview that diminishes the agency, dignity, and worth of some for the benefit of others gets in the way of the practice of love. And practicing love in defiance of those systems–being authentic and demonstrating care and cultivating courage in relationships–the practice of love helps dismantle oppression. 

We cannot practice a love ethic without letting go of racism, patriarchy, classism, wealth inequality, xenophobia, and other oppressions. “Awakening to love can happen only as we let go of our obsession with power and domination,” writes bell hooks. She goes on to say, “To bring a love ethic to every dimension of our lives, our society would need to embrace change.”

Embracing change is, of course, difficult. The pandemic has invited us into a period of profound change, and it’s hard. Our society has the opportunity to improve building requirements for clean air, to normalize masking, to increase access to paid sick leave and to quality health care. We know that no one person’s health is an isolated phenomenon; what happens to one of us affects all of us. Pretending that everything is back to normal is more tempting than making the societal changes we need to take care of each other. 

Out of love, we advocate as best we can in the public square, and we remain true to our capacity to change in the service of love in our own environments. As we as a congregation live into being a hybrid community–a place where people can remain connected even if their disabilities or their caregiving responsibilities make it hard to travel on Sundays–we are going to remember again that change is hard. Practicing welcome and inclusion is hard. Demonstrating our values in the way we do things, even if it’s not familiar or comfortable, is hard. Again, if you are used to comfort being the same as safety, it may not feel like love to do the things that are unfamiliar so that we can be inclusive and flexible. Love asks us to change so that all of us can live fully and well. 

Fear gets in the way of love, and practicing love gives us the courage to overcome fear. Choosing love means choosing authenticity, choosing the possibility of accountability and forgiveness, choosing collective wellbeing instead of power and domination, choosing mutual thriving instead of an ethic of control. Choosing love means choosing connection. It is not easy, and we are capable of doing hard things. Choosing love means we will not be doing hard things alone.

May it be so.

[biological-catastrophe]

Hello! I need to complain because America is a fucking joke. Vent under the cut as well as TW/CW list

TW/CW: School shooting, (preventable) death, cancer, abortion, homophobia/transphobia

This country is a goddamn joke. I could go on and on about how bad it is and I really need to because it’s grinding my gears.

They’re passing a law that makes it ILLEGAL TO BOYCOTT COMPANIES SUPPORTING ISRAEL. They don’t give a fuck about our constitution. In one breath they’re saying this and another saying the fact we can’t afford a place to live is because we keep spending money on Starbucks and avocado toast. And how the fuck are you going to enforce this?? You gonna hold a gun to my head and make me buy McDonalds or Starbucks?? What the fuck?? We already can’t afford to live here.

I’m lucky my parents are still letting me live with them because I could never afford a place to live. I’m pretty sure I did my math right but: minimum wage is $7.25 USD an hour. The average apartment is $2,000 a month. To afford JUST THAT, someone would have to work near 70 hours a week. Not including food, insurance, medicine, gas, anything besides rent. And with the pay I got at my last job ($10 an hour), I’d have to work 50 hours a week for rent. “Oh those jobs are only meant for like high schoolers” so you only want these fast food places to be open from 5-10 pm? You don’t want them to be open during school hours then? Hypocrites.

And SPEAKING OF SCHOOLS, the school shootings are not a joke. I think I talked about it already but there was an active shooter on my college campus while we were outside. We have lockdown drills so many times, it’s ingrained in us what to do since kindergarten what to do. I met a girl who got shot like 7 times and survived. I’ve grown up always having an escape route out of the school. Nobody cares. Nobody cares that a literal toddler was able to get ahold of a gun and SHOOT HIS TEACHER, and the teacher warned about the kid making threats before and the school didn’t do anything. Nobody cares that someone a girl rejected could bring a gun to school and shoot her and many others. It’s hypocritical that they ban abortion and then don’t care for the kid as soon as they’re born.

And god, the abortion ban. I live in Texas as I’ve said. Here, the law is called the heartbeat bill. Abortion is allowed until the fetus has a heartbeat. But by the time people have that, they generally don’t even know they’re pregnant. It’s basically a total abortion ban. And they’re so fucking sneaky with it. You can SUE people and doctors who have abortions. A man sued three women of a million dollars EACH, including is then-wife. And I also heard rumors of them trying to ban state travel for abortions as well which is also unconstitutional.

And do we even want to talk about health care??? I saw a video the other day of a girl and her best friend who both have cancer and can’t afford it. They can’t afford LIFE SAVING TREATMENT. Are you fucking joking?? People can’t afford insulin and are dying from it. People can’t afford life saving shit and die. What the fuck kind of dystopia is that?? I had to go get an MRI and it was THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS???? What the fuck???

And do we even want to get started on the homophobia/transphobia?? The ‘don’t say gay’ bill in Florida and the numerous drag ban bills. Texas is doing the thing similar to the heartbeat bill where you can sue a ‘person who is not conforming to their assigned gender at birth’ or something like that. Femboys and masculine women could get sued. What the fuck? It’s so expensive and hard to get HRT and surgeries for people. They are trying to raise the voting age so people can’t vote against it. They started with kids and now want to include adults into their 20s. I’m sick of it. I’m just sick of all of this.

And I can’t complain about all of this and not talk about the 2021 Texas Freeze. Basically what happened, February of 2021 we had a horrible freeze, at nights it got into the negatives (for reference, ‘cold’ here for me is in the 40s. This is all Fahrenheit. 40°F = 4°C; -3°F = -19°C). Our power plants weren’t ready for this. We lost power during a lot of this. Some people didn’t have power for WEEKS, people died from the cold because the power plant people were greedy and lazy and didn’t put in proper weather safeties. This could have been prevented. Pipes burst, people died and got ill, the state was in a panic for weeks. We had power about half the time, but god was it cold.

I hate this country. I hate it so fucking much. This country is a fucking dystopia, some sick work of apocalypse fiction. I want to leave so fucking bad. I can’t wait till this place crashes and burns.

[historyhermann]

LGBTQ Representation Shines Through in Final Space

Ash gets her new form from Invictus in Final Space

On May 8, Final Space, the mature animated comedy, drama, and space fantasy by comedian Olan Rogers, revealed that a character in the show’s main cast was a lesbian. While this surprised some fans, the episode, and the show as a whole, has proven to be one of the best representations of LGBTQ characters in mature animation for some time.

Reprinted from The Geekiary, my History Hermann WordPress, and Wayback Machine. This was the third article I wrote for The Geekiary and in some ways I'm proud of it still, although I became more critical of LGBTQ representation due to the somewhat hostile response to this on the Final Space subreddit, which resulted in me stepping away from the Final Space fandom, and barely staying a fan of the show. It was originally published on June 30, 2021.

Final Space, which premiered in February 2018 on TBS and began to air on Adult Swim starting in 2019, has been praised for its cast selection, comedy, originality, and uniqueness, with some reviewers even comparing it to Adventure Time, BoJack Horseman, or even Futurama. It begins by centering around an astronaut named Gary Goodspeed (voiced by Rogers) who is finishing up his prison sentence for impersonating a space guard, in an effort to impress a girl named Quinn Ergon (voiced by Tika Sumpter). He meets an alien which he names Mooncake. With both pursued by the evil Lord Commander (voiced by David Tennant), they travel across the universe.

They meet people along the way, such as Gary’s past-and-current love interest, Quinn, two cat-like aliens named Little Cato (voiced by Steven Yeun) and Avocado (voiced by Coty Galloway), a humanoid alien named Ash Graven (voiced by Ashly Burch), and another alien named Fox (voiced by Ron Funches). This motley crew tries to figure out the secret behind a realm known as Final Space and more about themselves in the process.

Burch, a former writer for Adventure Time, voiced Enid, a bisexual woman in OK K.O.!: Let’s Be Heroes, a non-binary Gem woman named Rutile Twins in Steven Universe, consisting of two Gem women, a lesbian woman name Lainey in The Loud House who has a girlfriend (Alice), Molly McGee, the Thai-American protagonist of the upcoming all-ages animated series, The Ghost and Molly McGee, along with various characters in Glitch Techs, Adventure Time, and We Bare Bears. This makes it all the more interesting that she voiced a LGBTQ character in Final Space.

By the third season, Gary and the ship crew, who entered Final Space to save Quinn, are trying to leave, but face challenges along the way from powerful beings known as Titans, the newly reincarnated Lord Commander, and a cosmic entity of an undetermined gender named Invictus (voiced by Vanessa Marshall).

The eighth episode of the season, titled “Forgiveness,” revealed that Ash is a LGBTQ character. In the episode, she is grieving over the death of her brother, Fox, who was killed by Gary, but only because Invictus forced Gary to stab him, by possessing his robotic arm to carry out the horrifying killing. Trying to let out her anger, she comes across Evra, a genderless being voiced by Jasmin Savoy Brown.

In real life, Brown is a queer, and biracial, woman. In the episode, Evra keeps changing her form before she finds a humanoid one which pleases Ash, who blushes at Evra. Both sit together watching lights across space which resemble the aurora borealis, holding hands, together, in a romantic and heartwarming moment. Following this, she begins to repair her relationship with Gary.

In addition to the episode directly showing that Ash is a lesbian, in an earlier episode, "Arachnitects," she says everything about prom brings her to a "dark place." This includes getting rejected by a man named Jordan Hammerstein, declaring she hates him with all her guts, hinting at her sexual orientation, which is not "ambiguously bi," as some have incorrectly assumed, but lesbian.

Evra and Ash bond in an episode of Final Space, an LGBTQ moment.

In a podcast discussing the episode, Rogers confirmed Ash as a LGBTQ character, and noted that while they were unable to hire LGBTQ writers due to their limited budget, they would in the future. He also said that although he pushed for having an episode focusing on another characters coming out, instead of Ash, other writers, and David Sacks, argued for an episode about Ash.

Rogers said that Sacks, a co-writer for the episode and co-developer of the series with Rogers, wrote the episode while going through a lot of personal trauma and from a place of "two souls connecting to each other." Even so, Rogers said that he would have liked to pace the episode better, but that the episode was "deeply personal" and came from coming from a meaningful place. He also described Evra, whose name he came out with, as a genderless shapeshifter, a "lifeform trapped in Final Space." He added that if Final Space has another season, then he would like to expand the relationship between Evra and Ash.

This is not the end of the story for Ash. She helps the crew by contacting her stepfather, Clarence to open a dimensional gateway. While he is successful, despite the fact her idea was initially rejected by other crew members, in the process, Clarence is killed, as others try to get revenge on him due to their anger at him.

Clarence, in his life, had an ex-wife, several wives who have since died, two adopted children (Fox and Ash), is implied to be in love with a character named General Cataloupe, and had a crush on Gary’s mother, Sheryl Goodspeed. Rogers, in a Reddit comment, confirmed Clarence as bisexual, but also said there is a "gay character on the show" which would appear in Season 3, obliquely referring to Ash.

While some could say that Clarence’s death means that he embodies the age-old bury your gays trope, over 50 characters have died during the course of the series, meaning that Clarence is not the only character to die. Even so, he is generally very selfish, meaning he is willing to cheat others, and is obsessed with money, which some could call stereotypical. Even so, he says, in his final episode, that he learned what he did was wrong, and wants to make up for his past mistakes by helping the crew.

As the season progresses forward, Ash is undoubtedly traumatized, like the rest of the crew, by the destruction of Earth due to the Lord Commander becoming a titan and emerging from the planet's core. In the final episode of the season, Ash pledges her loyalty to Invictus, the being which gave her dark energy powers and a new appearance halfway through season 3, declaring her friends to be traitors.

Ash pledges her loyalty to Invictus in Final Space

Even though, at the close of Season 3, Ash is now an antagonist, and a villain, arguably, she does not fulfill common stereotypes or tropes. She isn’t a token lesbian or a "butch lesbian," both listed as tropes by TV Tropes. Instead, she comes closest to the trope of "Psycho Lesbian," which the site defines as lesbian characters who are "exclusively psychotic and villainous," even though lesbian characters can be as screwed up as any other character.

The manipulation of Ash, as such, has a strong parallel to what Zhan Tiri, as the Enchanted Girl, does to Cassandra "Cass" (voiced by Eden Espinosa) in the final season of Tangled. This is strengthened by the fact that Cass is lesbian-coded as noted by The Mary Sue and, more prominently, by an openly lesbian storyboard revisionist for Tangled, named Amber Vucinich, as she pointed out in a series of tweets last year.

Both Cass and Ash are complex characters. Neither are one-dimensional, but have troubled pasts and experience trauma, trying to work through their feelings and thoughts about others in healthy ways, and, at times, destructive methods. They both engage in morally grey actions.

As for Ash, her alliance with a villain is no accident. Invictus plays on triggers for Ash's trauma, just as Zhan Tri does with Cass. These triggers can rear their ugly head, at times, with people lashing out, blaming others unfairly, retreating, or having their emotions flair, as it does for those who experience post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

What Ash is going through, whether she has PTSD or not, is not unique. The lives and memories of every Final Space character are scarred with tragedy and trauma. Ash has come a long way since her first appearance in the beginning of Season 2, as an odd and strange girl, becoming more confident in herself and mature. She is currently over 19 years old, with Evra helping Ash grow as a person. Hopefully, Evra will help her recognize that she is in the wrong by allying herself with Invictus, and that she can change for the better, even if this takes a long time, on her own terms.

There is one more LGBTQ character in Final Space who has an important recurring role: Tribore Menendez. He is the leader of the Resistance and is, like Gary, voiced by Rogers. Some say he is genderfluid in part because of an episode where he notes that his species flips gender twice a year, and the fact he has a child named Quatronostro (voiced by Oscar Montoya), an alien who only speaks Spanish.

Rogers has called Tribore "narcissi-sexual" because he "loves himself a little too much." Tribore ends up saving the crew in the final episode of season 3, opening the dimensional portal, allowing them to leave Final Space. Even so, his character, which is a bit annoying and obnoxious, may be a bit stereotypical,even as he can be a competent leader and fighter at times. Rogers also admitted that Tribore, along with Clarence, is not "good enough representation for LGBTQ community." I can't agree more. Furthermore, Val/entina Romanyszyn in Gen:LOCK, who comes out as genderfluid in the show's fourth episode, and is voiced by Asia Kate Dillon, a pansexual and non-binary actor, is much better representation than Tribore by a long shot.

If a fourth season of Final Space is produced and aired, hopefully, Ash is redeemed, working to win back the trust of her friends who she doomed to their deaths. The next season will likely show Little Cato as a gay character, something which Rogers supports. In fact, before the episode “Forgiveness” aired, in comments on the official Final Space Twitter account, he noted two LGBTQ characters in Final Space in upcoming episodes, saying they tried to do their best.

Knowing what we know now, we can piece together he was saying that Sacks advocated for Ash be shown as a LGBTQ character, while Rogers advocated for someone else (Little Cato). In any case, Rogers said that the door is open for Ash's lesbianness to be expanded in a possible fourth season, and promised to "bring up Little Cato again in the writers room." This would be a boon for fans of gay Little Cato and a positive to have a main character of an animated show be gay, especially a mature animated series.

Recent years have shown a gay couple of two secondary characters in Disenchantment (Odval and Sorcerio), the LGBTQ characters in Magical Girl Friendship Squad (Daisy and Alex), a genderfluid character in Duncanville (Mia Abara), and a possibly bisexual character in Star Trek: Lower Decks (Beckett Mariner), in recent years, to name a few. With the whole hullabaloo around the recent Q-Force trailer, Final Space has the possibility, and promise, to move forward mature animation in a better and more inclusive direction.

© 2021-2023 Burkely Hermann. All rights reserved.

[laurie-vexen]

The Mira Chronicles (Part Two)

Date: February 2021 (Immediately after Part One)

Location: Outpost planet named Xixia

Notes: Mira patches Laurie up, and makes an offer the exhausted (and lonely) Umbra can’t refuse.

“Your skin is so cold,” Mira remarked as she started cleaning Laurie’s cut. Laurie winced at the stinging sensation of Mira gently wiping around the area with a wet cloth. “How long has that been going on?”

She never had to lie to a doctor before, but Laurie had to assume the script she’d been fed her whole life on how to address that particular feature of her body had to be plausible to anyone. “Genetic defect... faulty hypothalamus,” Laurie answered plainly.

Mira seemed to pause, processing the answer. The silence felt too long, but Mira proceeded to clean the wound. Hopefully that meant she was in the clear. “Hm. Thick skull. Dysfunctional hypothalamus. Must be a lot going on with that head of yours, but I gathered that when you thought it was a good idea to fight two men twice your size in a random alleyway to help a random stranger you’ve never met.” Laurie concluded pretty fast that she liked Mira’s sense of humor. It was witty. She liked witty people. Laurie let out a soft laugh in response.

“I didn’t think it was a good idea, to be clear.” That much was true. She watched as Mira pulled away to get some bandages and an ice pack. “I just... I don’t know. I heard someone in trouble and felt like I should do something.”

“You’re obviously not from around here, if you felt the need to do that -” Mira handed her an ice pack. “- put that on your face, that’ll keep the swelling down.” She started working on getting the bandages around Laurie’s arm. “Anyway, people from here tend to look after themselves. That’s why the crime rates aren’t the best... no one willing to step in. Not even the authorities most of the time, unless it benefits them in some way.”

Laurie scoffed. “I’ve been to a lot of places where that’s the case,” she sighed. Mira shook her head sadly in response.

“A sad reality for many. That’s why I try to do my part around here, helping who I can help. Money’s not the best, but I never really believed the right to live and be healthy should cost an arm and a leg.”

Laurie didn’t even know her that long, but that sentence alone made her conclude that Mira may have been one of the kindest people she’d ever met. She was left speechless at such a plainly made statement. She’d encountered so many selfish, terrible people these past few years that she didn’t think there were many people capable of thinking of others. She still thought that was the case, but Mira turned out to be one of those few, which was nice to see in person.

“So... you’re a doctor?”

Mira nodded. “I am. Been living here for about five years now. My parents wanted me to be a rich hot-shot doctor back on Kraysha, but Kraysha already has so many of those. I wanted to have an impact somewhere that mattered.”

Wow.

“You look like I just told you I murdered an entire family,” Mira teased.

Laurie hadn’t realized she was just sitting there, gawking.

“O-oh, no, I -” Laurie stammered, blushing with embarrassment. She shook her head. “Sorry, I’ve been traveling on my own for a while and I guess that hasn’t given me the best impression of... people... in general...”

She didn’t dare make eye contact, looking instead at the floor. But she could feel those violet eyes studying her. And it made her even more nervous. She, saw out of her peripheral, Mira step back once she was finished with the bandages.

“All patched up,” Mira spoke. After a few seconds, Laurie found the courage to look back up. She was tempted to look away again when she found the Erkuss smiling at her. “So, you’re not from around here, as we discussed. Do you have somewhere to go?”

Laurie shook her head. “No, not yet, but I can figure it out.”

Mira nodded, considering that answer, before making a proposal of her own.

“Well, I can’t have you wandering the streets. And you did save me, however recklessly -” she added teasingly. “- I’m more than happy to let you stay here if you have nowhere else to go at the moment.”

Laurie wasn’t really sure what to say so that. She had what she thought was a nice rhythm going on, with going in and out of all different types of towns. It wouldn’t be a good idea to disrupt that rhythm, even if Mira was nice enough to let her stay. She had to keep it moving, especially when her blood supply was running low.

“I appreciate that but - I’ll be okay,” Laurie weakly protested.

Mira didn’t appear convinced. Her head tilted to the side, and Laurie once again broke eye contact.

“I see, you’re one of those... allergic to charity,” Mira nodded with a smirk. “Tell you what, I can hire you as my temporary ‘medical assistant’ to help me around the clinic, and your payment is sleeping on my couch for however long you want to stay. Does that go down a bit better?”

Laurie looked up again, which was a big mistake. Locking eyes with violet ones made her reservations completely crumble. Plus, a couch was a lot better than what she normally did, which was find the crappiest (but most affordable) motel in town if she could afford it, a random abandoned building, or a place in a public park of some kind she could hide under for the night. And Mira didn’t seem like a threat... maybe she could stay the night and just think about what to do tomorrow. Today was pretty exhausting.

“... Okay. Thank you.”

[aka217]

ok so 2022

(yes, 2022. I know this is just about a year old, and honestly i completed the writing maybe 6 months ago, but I just didn't get around to it. so apologize to my two readers - hello Ading, hello wife - I'll be doing one more of these, then with hope I'll be transitioning to monthly format on insta 2024. That should make these a little more interesting and easier to put together for tumblr.)

well then. what a difference a year makes. I remember 2021 kind of being 2020 part 2, and even after getting vaccinated it wasn't like things were back to normal. However in 2022 (and more so getting Covid post vaccinated) there was some assurance that maybe we can get back to things that once was. But on top of that, I made a major pivot to my career, as well as started traveling to new places, and even a new car. A lot of key points in my life have been impacted this year, so let's dive into it:

January - Start off with a seeing golden state warriors vs. the heat with a couple friends. Soon after we are flying back to Orlando to celebrate Justin and Susette's Wedding. At the time one of the covid variants was ramping up at this time, and it definitely felt like we were going backwards. I remember being pretty concerned, and if I weren't the best man there was real consideration to missing out on Justin's wedding, but seeing as he's very much my best friend it's kind of crazy to think we were considering it. But we went, masks and all, and what a wonderful time we had. Thankfully we got out of there unscathed. It was exhausting dancing so much under a mask, but overall if that small inconvenience relieved our concerns it was well worth it.

February - So I decided to leave HCI. Forever thankful that I was given the opportunity to come on board during the breakout of Covid, and really kept me and Ashley afloat during our move to California. But ultimately it wasn't a job I found enjoyable, as it leaned more into sales than engineering. And with Covid still at the time a looming presence, the idea of increasing the amount of customer visits this year was not my cup of tea. I had been in talks about pursuing a transition into project management, and again thanks to key friends that can connect me, I was well into talks about joining the tech world. Risky once more, I decided to leave before securing my next place. But as grateful as ever that things turned out alright for me, as I would soon after leaveing HCI secure my spot with Paramount+. What that did was allow me gain a small gap of funemploymet, and boy did I make good use of that. First was a local rental of a Porsche Boxster, taking through Napa, Sonoma, and up Mt. Diablo. Then shortly after we took a week long trip to Portland. Hanging out with Ashley's Aunt/Uncle/Cousin, we explored the city of Portland for a bit, and even made a trek out to Tillamook. Also in Portland, I rented an mx-5 and took it through the gorge, which is along the columbus river that naturally splits Oregon and Washington. Honestly, one of the most beautiful drives I've been on.

March - Relatively quiet, although I did start my job at Paramount+. Those early days were honestly pretty nice, as it was definitely slow paced with really no work and just taking it all in. Being my first remote job, it was an interesting adjustment in lifestyle. There were a few outings this month, including kareoke in sf, and a house warming for Francis and Nhi.

April - started out the month is a visit to the SF Giants game vs. Miami Marlins, we typically only go at this point to grab food and enjoy the atmosphere. Next was celebrating my Lexus' Quinceanera, 15 years and about 190,000 miles on the odometer. With brand new headlights and a well equipped roof rack, we had a mini photoshoot to celebrate. Soon after, getting ready for Coachella, Ashley gets Covid. We pin it to the baseball game, as that really was the only place Ashley went out in public. Oddly, I tested negative the whole time, and decided to still go to Coachella.

Alright Coachella. I'm writing this out as I may in the future forget, what what an experience. It was a lot, it was exhausting, but I don't regret it, but not sure I'd do it again. I'm someone who studied the festival lineup, listened to each artist beforehand to pick out people I may like to hear, and set out to listen to everyone that I could, from opening bands all the way to the closer, every day. I did not hang out with the group that I went with, I for the most part was by myself to enjoy the music. I stopped drinking from the first day as it was slowing me down, and did not do me any favors powering through the day. My feet hurt so bad, and my throat was killing me. But man did I get a lot in during those 3 days, seeing so many great acts. I milked the opportunity and saw as much acts as I could. There are a few things I would do differently the second time, like not have such a big backpack so I can dance more freely, but honestly I'm not so sure I'd do it again. Yes, it was a very concentrated musical experience, but also the for the amount I paid, I could probably spread out that money into multiple concerts across an entire year. But again, I'm glad I went, to say and know what it is like.

But back to reality, Ashley had a miserable Covid weekend (and made sure I felt sorry about it), and leaving Coachella I, too got Covid. Hard to say where I got it from, but it did hit me that following week, but honestly getting the vaccine shots effected me worse. At this point I think I would just be as exhausted with a sore throat post Coachella, covid or no covid. And thankfully just starting my job, there was minimal impact to work hah.

May - Post-Covid is a whole new swerve on life, one I would have though post-vaccine would be. At this point it really does feel like we are heading to a world that once was. May starts with my parents visiting us, and taking a trip to Yosemite for my first time. Honestly really cool landscape and very unique rock formations. Back home, we take more chances to eat out at restaurants (for now out on the patio, but still a worlds difference that take out). And this also marks the time where we start playing D&D. Having watched actual plays via Dimension 20, we embarked on playing the game ourselves. With a welcoming community at a local game shop, this would be the start of regular D&D sessions throughout the summer

June - Few key points this month. We attend Mia's debut, at a beautiful venue right off the bay water. It's interesting to think back that her sweet 16 we were doing a drive-by celebration with masks outside and no lingering, but here we are out dancing with a large group of people. It's really refreshing we've gotten back to something like that. This also marks the point where internally I had a goal to stay afloat long enough in California to see this birthday, and would mark the point where we can look back and say, keep going or what's next? Still a question to this day, but glad we were able to make the moved to California work for us up to this point. Mid-June we take a quick trip to Los Angeles, for one to watch a live show of D&D with many of our favorite players, as well as catch up with a few old friends who live in the area. And last, we watched Benee in concert, someone who's music was prevalent during the quarantine part of Covid that it felt fitting to see them live in concert

July - Start off the month with Ryan's bachelor party in Vegas. What a rukus of a time. A hot time to go to Vegas, but we were there to catch Summer League, which was a lot of fun albeit quite short. We also went through Meow Wolf which was pretty cool. Boys will be boys, and we did a lot of tomfoolery that weekend. Later in the month Ash and I went back home to go to Sannibel, and old stomping ground, to celebrate my Dad's 70th. This mixed in with some time back home in Miami, it's always nice to get a little injection of home once in a while.

August - ahh, and here we are. after a year and a half of waiting, my Bronco finally arrives. There was large anticipation, followed by months of doubt of getting it for years (I even ordered another car for the interim, and that too was delayed). But yea, kind of crazy to be buying another brand new car, but this felt like the best possible compromise between my wants and needs. We'll soon find that I'll barely get to drive it, but I do my best, taking to roof off when I can, and the first weekend drove down to Monterey to get a set of wheels. The following weekend is Ryan and Katrina's wedding, so mini reunion with old college friends (and would be the kick off of many reunions going into next year). The following week we took a trip to Denver for Ashley's birthday to see one her best friends and her cousin. First time in Denver it was interesting to see all of the little pockets of the city, each having their own kind of architecture. Also cool to be surrounded by mountains. While there I was remote working and dog sitting their 3 dogs. We met up with Ash's cousin, where we met her little kid at the aquarium. I also saw a Bronco Raptor which was pretty exciting for me, too. With our new love of Dungeons and Dragons, we hired a private DM to host a night for us and show Ashley's friend how to play. Before the month ends, a couple more moments: the first time I went into the office in the city. Honestly for me this was a huge deal.

September Hoo boy, this was a good one. For a while we wanted to explore the west coast more, and given the chance now with both of us remote, we wanted to enter the idea of living somewhere for an extended time, so we pulled the trigger and rented a flat in Seattle for a month. This place was right across the street from pike place market for maximum opportunity. Although we had a bit of an adventure securing the right room, we'd finally settle into a great place with enough space and a lot of sunlight coming in. Such a refreshing experience, and Seattle treated us so well with only giving us maybe half a days rain the whole month. Traveling wise we got plenty of chances to explore Pike Place Market, as well as travel further out to other pockets; capitol hill, Ballard farmers market, Bellevue. Events I went to while there included PAX, which was a cool environment to see upcoming games. I also saw Lisa Wallen do comedy in a secret venue (ended up being at a small photo studio). It was nice to meet her afterwards and talk for a minute. I also got to see a cousin and catch up. We even got a session in of D&D. Another big event to cross off my bucket list was got to DirtFish Rally school. One of the coolest driving experiences, it was so much fun to go out there and slide about. After all of the exploration of my driving enthusiasm, I really think sliding around in dirt is the pinnacle of my happiness doing it. I'm so glad I did it, glad I splurged to do the full day, it was definitely worth it. In the end, Seattle was such a dream of a stay. It's on the list of place we could move to, although I like the idea of taking in Seattle one month at a time, I hope we can do it again soon.

October Back in Oakland, but still a few meaningful events. One was Francis' bachelor party in Chicago. My first experience with Chicago was riddled with bad luck, not Chicago's fault, so it was nice to get redemption. It started with a night that went a little too wild, followed by days of recovery doing smaller things. But I did really enjoy the architecture boat tour, Chicago really does have great buildings along the river and lake coast. Besides the first nights jazz club and debauchery club, we also did a game night event which was cool, and while some of the guys went to a movie for Halloween I went to a underground club by myself which was an interesting experience. The other big thing in October was our dating anniversary, where we went to see Panic! At the Disco. While we got pretty decent seats, Ashley entered to win better seats and we won, gaining us access to floor seats right up front which was kind of crazy. While it wasn't the same songs as we loved in college, it was a fun time to be at a big concert.

November Ok so much like Seattle, we spent all of November (and the first week of December) in Florida. Chaotic is a word you can use to describe it, purely on the amount of traveling and seeing all sorts of family and friends. The paint a picture, we switched where we slept a total of 11 times, and that still doesn't capture the couple days where we took day trips. Might just have to list out a few notable pieces: Zachary's 18 spent at Hard Rock, only to eventually find out it was 21+ spent the night with Eddy on the coast to watch the Artemis rocket launch, a project they started developing what Ashley was still at NASA Ivanhoe christmas block party with Ashley's best friend, and really just a rare alignment of the stars to spend the time with them Photoshoot with Kevin/Kim's immediate family, which was nice because we haven't done something like that before, that also transitioned to a trip to Kissimmee, and Thanksgiving at Capitol Grill Ocala to see Ashley's parents, whinwe haven't seen for a while Nana's 80th birthday, which was a big surprise celebration in which a lot of Ashley's family was able to make it out. An really refreshing time and happy to see her family having a good time

December Back int he bay, once again just recovering from the month before, we kept it fairly low key. One notable excursion was to hog island for some fresh oysters, and another random trip to Palace of Fine Arts. for Christmas was spent it with the cuz and fam with dinner. For New years Ashley cooked up a delightful Filipino feast.

And that was it. As always, additional tidbits: A lot of opportunities to drive different cars. The Kia Soul was a quirky cheap car that was fun to have for a week. And the best drive was in the MX 5. Food? The first time I had House of Prime Rib, which I thought about that meal from time to time months later. Introduced to Marion Berry in Portland, especially a Marion Berry cobbler which we had to eat twice before we left. Another notable mention is iPot, a lovely spot for ayce hot pot/ kbbq that brought us joy throughout the year.

These year reviews are extensive. And that's good, my life grants me many adventures, more than I even write and record. I'll likely try to recap after each month, so that the task is less daunting, and perhaps provide better reflection. Currently writing the end of this April 2023, and so I already have insight into the next year. But If I recall, no matter what I think the next year will bring, there will many things, big and small, that will take me for surprise. and I'm ok with that.

To the next!

[weshipyourride]

Team S&M CX and Clara Honsinger Renew With Bikeflights

With the 2023-2024 cyclocross season just getting underway, we’re pleased to welcome back Team S&M CX and Clara Honsinger to our roster of Bikeflights-sponsored teams and ambassadors.

“This season marks our seventh as a complete cyclocross team dedicated to the long-term development of Pacific North West (PNW) women in this sport,” said Brenna Wrye-Simpson, Team Manager. “In that time, we have been through several chapters and have proudly stayed the course, attracting more women to the program, standing by those we’ve already rostered, and standing by cyclocross as the purest form of racing in cycling.”

Team roster

Eight women will comprise this ‘cross season’s Team S&M CX squad, which is co-managed by Wrye-Simpson and former pro racer Erik Tonkin. 

Annie Davis-Usher (Portland, OR) (elite)

Rachel Geiter (Walla Walla, WA) (elite)

Allison Halpin (Bend, OR) (elite)

Clara Honsinger (Portland, OR) (elite)

Jenna Lingwood (Portland, OR) (elite)

Sophie Russenberger (Bend, OR) (elite)

Madeline Stover (Portland, OR) (under 23)

Brenna Wrye-Simpson (Portland, OR) (elite)

Wrye-Simpson also serves as the team’s mechanic while Tonkin doubles as the squad’s coach.

Honsinger returns to her roots

Wrye-Simpson is especially excited that three-time US Cyclocross National Champion Clara Honsinger has returned to the team.

“To me, it only feels right to have Clara back. Our initial three-season chapter from 2017 to 2020 was one of steady progress for all of us, but most obviously hers, as she steadily studied the game and consistently landed more domestic podiums,” said Wrye-Simpson, who noted Honsinger’s first under 23 title won in 2018, her first World Cup podium in Iowa City earned in 2019, and her elite national title claimed in 2019. All were achieved while repping Team S&M CX’s distinctive orange & blue kits.

Honsinger went on to race the rest of the 2019-2020 season in Europe before returning in February of 2020, after the world championships, just as rumblings of the new COVID virus were beginning to circulate. She then moved on to join the Cannondale-CyclocrossWorld.com team. 

Perhaps Honsinger’s best finish to date has been a fourth place finish at the 2021 UCI Cyclocross World Championships.

“Her accomplishments speak volumes, and her growth as an athlete and worldly human are wonderful to behold,” said Wrye-Simpson of the team’s biggest stars to date. 

Honsinger fondly recalled, “I remember when I first asked Erik if I could join [Team] S&M. I was a freshman in college, and he had generously offered to give me a ride in the old Kona van to Ninkrossi. I wonder what he was thinking when I posed the question – a teenager with a bike racing obsession was a pretty great unknown. But I was certain that S&M was the place for me.”

The then up-and-coming young rider had been following Team S&M CX for a while, watching local icons like Beth Ann Orton and Megan Chinburg travel to races across the country and reading old race reports of how Rhonda Mazza had placed second at Nationals in toe-clips and running shoes. She re-watched Transitions 2 to find the scene where Tonkin’s Belgian fan club sings praises about his beard. 

“This team seemed to carry a passion for racing and an easy-going character that I wanted to be surrounded by,” said Honsinger.

More recently, Honsinger raced on the road for Team EF Education-TIBCO-SVB. But as uncertainty swirled around some of the European and US teams this past summer, Honsinger pondered what was next, and she felt compelled to follow her heart.

“The move was clear. S&M is grounded and driven. The idea of returning made me feel giddy with excitement and genuinely happy,” said Honsinger. 

At Bikeflights, we’re looking forward to cheering on Clara Honsinger and all the rest of Team S&M CX throughout this season! Read the team’s full announcement from Team S&M CX.

Photos taken by Patrick Daly and Kieran Harden provided by Team S&M.

[readingforsanity]

The Lost Apothecary | Sarah Penner | Published 2021 | *SPOILERS*

Hidden in the depths of 18th-century London, a secret apothecary shop caters to an unusual kind of clientele. Women across the city whisper of a mysterious figure named Nella who sells well-disguised poisons to use against the oppressive men in their lives. But the apothecary’s fate is jeopardized when her newest patron, a precocious 12-year-old, makes a fatal mistake, sparking a string of consequences that echo through the centuries. 

Meanwhile, in present-day London, aspiring historian Caroline Parcewell spends her 10th wedding anniversary alone, running from her own demons. When she stumbles upon a clue to the unsolved apothecary murders that haunted London 200 years ago, her life collides with the apothecary’s in a stunning twist of fate - an not everyone will survive. 

with crackling suspense, unforgettable characters and searing insight, The Lost Apothecary is a subversive and intoxicated debut novel of secrets, vengeance, and the remarkable ways women can save each other despite the barrier of time. 

Told in the POVs of three different women: Caroline, a late 20′s traveller to London, visiting from the United States; Nella, a middle-aged apothecary and Eliza, a 12-year-old girl. 

Caroline has traveled to London on what was supposed to be her 10-year anniversary trip with her husband James. However, a few days prior, she learned that he had been cheating on her with a colleague at his job. Wishing for some space, she took the trip alone at the urging of her best friend Rose. Caroline did as she was told, arriving in London. 

While searching for something to eat shortly after arriving, she meets Bachelor Alf, running a group of individuals who were mudlarking. Initially, Caroline declined the offer to join them but decided that her life needed a little adventure. Not thinking she’d find anything of value, she began her search and came up with a small blue vial with an etching of a small bear inside. Bachelor Alf recommended that she visit the British Library, telling her to ask for a woman named Gaynor in the Maps department. 

While Caroline’s adventure in the present-day is ongoing, we’re also learning of the events that took place within just a short span of time back in February of 1791. We are introduced to Nella, an apothecary for women’s maladies. But, also an apothecary of poisons that were meant to kill men. Harboring her own disgust of the male species, Nella began offering poisons only to those who knew to ask for it, simply supplying women of London with tinctures and the like for normal ladylike issues. 

Nella was requested to create a poison for a man, requested by his lady and her lady’s maid would be the one to pick it up. Nella is astounded to learn that it is a young girl, only the age of 12, named Eliza. She shares with Eliza some of her secrets, as she believes she would never see the young girl again. The plan to kill the master of the house goes without a hitch: Eliza made the eggs that the poison was placed into it, and within 12 hours, he was dead, nobody none the wiser of what had happened. 

Nella keeps a register of all of the woman she has served in her lifetime as an apothecary, the shop in which she works out of once belonging to her mother, though a little different. She had closed off one half of the room she was in, only keeping a grain of barley in the front where people could request their specific things with a time to return for it, and the other half hidden behind a secret wall that only a variety of people knew were there. 

Caroline, in the present-day, heads to the British library and finds Gaynor, who we learn is Bachelor Alf’s daughter. She is able to help in some ways, and gives her an idea of what she can do to find what she is looking for, though it could take a few days. They end up exchanging numbers with hopes that Gaynor’s research could warrant a little bit. Caroline returns to her hotel, and here she finds a vase of flowers that had not been there before. Her husband would be going coming to London to talk with her. 

Unable to sleep, she decides to find Bear Alley, which she was able to find in her research with Gaynor earlier that afternoon. At first light, she heads out into the London streets in order to locate this place she was looking for. She does find it, though it closed off to trespassers. A passersby says that it hasn’t been used in years, and is likely just a storage room for the buiding that surrounds it. This doesn’t deter Caroline, but only intrigues her more, but with James’ impending arrival, she heads back to her hotel. 

When he arrives, he quickly begins apologizing, though this is futile. Caroline still doesn’t want to spend any time with him, and tells him so. They don’t spend any time together at all. 

That evening, Caroline writes a note for James stating that she is going out for a late dinner, and would return soon. She heads back to the alley, hauling herself over the wall that keeps the alley and the door she saw earlier apart. She enters, finding in it what she can only describe as a back alley, hidden underneath the building. With time against her due to a failing phone battery, she ends up locating the inside of the apothecary room where Nella had worked two centuries before. She quickly snaps some photos, locates the register book and takes some photos of that as well, before returning to the hotel. 

James is now awake, and says he feels a cold coming on, likely because of the dry air in the plane. Caroline advises him to use some of the eucalyptus oil she has in her toiletry bag in the bathroom, and he does so, before heading out to do some sightseeing. Excited to see the photos she had taken the night before in her adventure, she gets very excited at his departure, only for him to return a short time later visibly sick. He believes it could be food poisoning, and he requests to be left alone for a while. 

Meanwhile, two centuries before, Eliza returns to Nella, as she hears that the ghost of her former master is now invading her body, as Eliza began her period the moment he had died. Eliza, however, is not aware that this is a very natural thing as nobody had told her this before. Nella won’t help her, instead giving her the directions to a magic shop nearby and tells her to seek what she is looking for there. 

In the meantime, Eliza reqursts that she stay with Nella, where she could be helpful to her during his mistresses departure to stay with family after her husband’s death. Nella initially doesn’t not want to allow this, but she was in the process of creating another poison, and the woman who requested it arrived shortly after Eliza. Eliza assists in welcoming here, and Nella begins to tell her the instructions in which the Lady would need in order to end her own husband’s life. 

But Lady Clarence tell sher that it is not he rhusband that she wishes to end, but that of his mistress, his own cousin. She wants to take revenge out on the woman he has cheating on her with. Nella refuses, as her tinctures and poisons are not meant to harm a woman, but help them. Lady Clarance and Nella fight over the vial, but Nella is able to dispose of it in the fire. Lady Clarence says that she will need more the following day, otherwise she will take the knowledge she has to the authorities to have Nella arrested. 

Unsure if this woman is to be believed or not, Eliza accompanies Nella on her journey to gather more ingredients for what she needs to create the concoction. The two of them share stories of their lives, including Nella’s own tragic one, where she had met a man named Frederick and had fallen in love with him after he had visited the shop for his sister. Nella ended up pregnant, and he seemed excited about it, but on the night he left to visit family, Nella ended up losing her baby. She realized it was because of Frederick that this happened, as he stole from her and created a concoction that pregnant woman should not have. The sister ended up being his wife, and the two of them came up with a plan to end his life. And so began her life as a secret serial killer. 

They end up making the concoction in time for Lady Clarence to return, and Eliza leaves to make her way to the magic shop, where the owner of the store gives her a book for free as he becomes quite taken with her. 

In the present, Caroline meets with Gaynor who has found her two articles that she has requested with the information that Caroline was seeking. The first is the notice of death for a Mister Clarance, the one and only, from 1791, and how there was a search for his killer. In the article is an imprint of the bear that is also on the vial that Caroline found in the River Thames. But before they are able to peruse the second article, James calls and tells Caroline that he needs the hospital, and she quickly leaves to return to the hotel. 

When she arrives, James is on the brink of death, having ingested the eucalyptus oil instead of rubbing it in skin. Paramedics arrive, and in her haste to help James, doesn’t realize that her notebook with research notes has fallen to the floor. While Caroline is able to ride in the ambulance with James, she is told that the police will be waiting at the hospital upon their arrival, as inside she had written some damning things regarding poisons. 

Caroline is questioned, and when the questioning is meant to be taken to the police station, she requests that Gaynor come to the hospital. When she arrives, Gaynor is confused as to what is going on, but tells the police that she works for the library, Caroline has been coming there and she has been helping in the research project. At this point, James is well enough to be seen, and the police escort Caroline to see him. He says that Caroline had nothing to do with poisoning him, and that they could leave. The police do so reluctantly. 

Caroline visits with James, and after a night in the hospital, she realizes that neither of them have been happy for a long time, and she intends to file for legal separation. It is here that we learn that James purposefully ingested the eucalyptus, assuming that Caroline would want to take care of him. This instead only causes her to get more upset, as she could have gone to jail since they suspected that she had done it. She leaves the hopsital with the promise to return the next day upon his discharge. 

Back in 1791, Nella realizes that one of the two vials left over from when her mother ran the shop is missing, Eliza having accidentally used that. With this damning information, along with the fact that Lord Clarence died instead of who it was intended for, causes Nella to begin looking for a way out. If they found the vial, with the address listed, would they find her shop despite it being hidden. Lady Clarence returns with the vial, and all is okay, until the next morning when Nella finds an article that shows that Lady Clarence’s lady’s maid had gone to the police with an impression of the bear on the vial, and they are now in search of his murderer. 

Nella begins packing up her shop, with the intent to leave it forever. However, Eliza is now been pulled back into the mess, and she tells her to return to her mistresses home and stay there. But, Eliza doesn’t listen. Instead, the two of them are cornered by three constables and they take off running. When they come to a bridge, Nella has every intention of throwing herself off of it, ending her life and therefore saving Eliza, but instead, Eliza, using an elixir she created herself, drinks it and throws herself off the bridge, effectively ending the hunt for Lord Clarence’s murderer. 

Nella, though young, has some sort of illness that is killing her. While she mourns young Eliza’s death, she knows her mistress will also mourn her, and she intends to leave her a note along with something to ail a broken heart. She writes her final entry in her register, that of Eliza, thinking that what she had drank was something that would have killed her before she hit the water. 

On the way to the Amswell’s household to leave the note and tincture, Nella is in bad shape. Barely making it to their doorstep, she begins visualizing seeing Eliza in the window, and she knows this is the end. But in truth, it was actually Eliza, in the flesh, giving her the same elixir she had taken the day before. 

In the present-day, James has left to return to the US, and Caroline ends yp solving the mystery. The young woman mentioned in the second article is Eliza Fanning, and the lost apothecary remains that way, as she no identity. Caroline has also started the process of her separation, and will soon return to the US to take care of unfinished business, including leaving her job at her family’s farm, and returning to the UK to attend grad school at Cambridge. 

Feeling satisfied that she had solved a 200-year-old mystery, Caroline is ready to start her new life. 

Discussion Questions 

1. The novel opens with Nella in her shop, preparing to dispense a poison meant to kill a man. Her work is sinister, and much about her character is dark and disturbing. When you first learned that Nella was a murderer, how did you view her? How did your feelings change over the course of the novel as more of her past was revealed? Did you believe she would eventually find redemption? In the end, did you see her as a hero, a villain, or something in between? Why? Nella went through something tragic at the hands of a man, so naturally she was always going to be hesitant around them. And I don’t blame her. To be betrayed in the way she was by the person you love is unimaginable. Honestly, I loved Nella’s character. She was tough, yet soft at the same time. I don’t think she needed redemption in the way other people in similar works do.  

2. At the beginning of Caroline’s story, she finds the apothecary vial while on a mudlarking tour. Had you heard of mudlarking prior to reading this book? Do you beleive that fate or coincidence led to her discovery? Have you ever stumbled on something that you consider to be fate? I had heard of mudlarking prior. It reminds me a bit of geocaching, which became really popular within the last decade or so. And, I think it was a coincidence. Anyone would have found that vial if it weren’t Caroline. It was just sitting out in the open like that, someone would have noticed it. 

3. Both Nella and Caroline have been betrayed by men in their lives. In what ways did the two women respond similarly to these betrayals? In what ways did they respond differently? Do you feel that one woman was more emotionally resilient than the other? I don’t think anything they did was similar in any way. Nella took her revenge with the help of her lover’s wife; Caroline ran from her problems in hopes that it would give her a clear head. The only time Nella ran was when her shop was compromised, or so she thought. I think Nella had a better handle on her emotions than Caroline did, and I believe it was because she had twenty years to dwell on it, whereas Caroline’s tragedy was fresh in her mind when she arrived in London. 

4. Nella and Eliza form an unlikely friendship early in the story, despite Nella’s resistance to having the young girl in her shop a second time. Why do you think Nella eventually softened her heart toward Eliza? What drew the two characters - one on the cusp of womanhood, the other toward the end of her life - toward one another? What kind of impact did Eliza have on Nella’s character? I think Nella saw in her the child that she had lost, and in an attempt to remaim close to that, she kept Eliza around despite her initial hesitance. This is even eluded to in the book, that if her child had been alive, she had wanted her to be just like Eliza. Eliza, in her way, was looking for a mother figure, having been sent away by her own at such a young age, despite there being good intentions behind it. 

5. The Lost Apothecary is sprinkled with mention of magick, and several events occur that could be considered either the work of magick or merely good luck. When you learned that Eliza survived after ingesting the Tincture to Reverse Bad Fortune, did you believe it the result of magick, or do you think she was a lucky survivor after jumping into the freezing river? After she was found alive, I thought it was because of the Elixir, but it could have simply been good luck, or she was a strong swimmer. I’m not entirely sure what I believe, especially since after ingesting it, Nella became well again and lived at least another decade that they’re aware of. 

6. When James feels a cold coming on, Caroline points him to the eucalyptus oil in the hotel bathroom, but she doesn’t tell him it’s for topical use only. Later, we learn that he ingested the toxic oil. While reading, did you consider the possibility that Caroline purposely didn’t tell him the oil was for topical use only? Do you think that, even subconsciously, this might have been a form of revenge? I never once thought that Caroline did it on purpose. They’d been married for ten years, and from the sounds of things, Caroline used essential oils quite a bit, so James would be familiar with his wife’s collection. He’s also a grown man, who can read. It is clear that he knew that the oil was toxic if ingested and we learned that he did it on purpose anyways. 

7. James is a nuanced character. At different junctures in the story, he shows remorse and heartbreak, only to later lie again to his wife. What did you think of their relationship? Did you beleive he was truly sorry for his infidelity, or were his apologies to Caroline yet another form of manipulation? James simply didn’t want to lose out on the bigger picture. For someone like him, he needed the eye candy on his arm to feel satisfied and complete. For a time, that was Caroline, who was all too willing to give up her own dreams to follow his: of becoming a graduate student at Cambridge, of having a career in her chosen field, of having a baby. All of those things got pushed back because he was climbing the corporate ladder in his own career. But, he was manipulative, absolutely. Ingesting a toxic oil that nearly took his life in hopes of Caroline forgiving him is an ultimate betrayal. 

8. At the end of the story, when Eliza is an adult with children of her own, she says that Nella still counsels her to this very day. Do you interpret this as Nella having lived many more years, or is Eliza referring to Nella’s spirit? Why do you think the author might have left this purposefully vague? I think they want us to believe that the Elixir didn’t work, but I think she lived and counseled Eliza into her adult life, through her marriage and through the birth of her children. Just like Nella, Eliza ends up losing her loved one fairly young, and now she has two children to raise. But, she has the book shop that she had visited and eventually inherited. 

9. While alone in London, Caroline begins to consider how very different her life might have been if she’d not remained in the States with James. As you read about her unfulfilled dreams, did you find yourself thinking about how your life might look today if you’d chosen a different path long ago? What aspirations did you used to have that you might someday like to revisit or pursue? Absolutely. It is easy to consider the what if’s: what if I had gone to college earlier in my life and gotten a degree, would I have a career? What if I never met my husband 14 years ago? What would my life be like if we didn’t choose the house we did when looking almost 10 years ago? Life is full of these questions. I was given a second chance to go through my dreams, though the one I had when I was a kid is far from what I went to school for, haha. 

10. The Lost Apothecary explores the idea of female empowerment and rebelling against a man’s world. In what ways did Nella, Eliza and Caroline empower themselves? Do you consider the novel a feminist book? I wouldn’t necessarily consider it a feminist book, as it is clear that there are decent men within the book, like Bachelor Alf. But, the majority of the male characters within the story don’t have any redeeming qualities, like James or the constables from 1791. They all look down upon the women that they encounter. But, Nella empowered herself by becoming a murderer despite it eating away at her; Eliza became empowered by her ability to create magick in a way and Caroline empowered herself by taking the trip alone, doing things outside of her normal and finding what she truly wanted out of life. 

11. Which of the three characters - Nella, Eliza or Caroline - did you find the most compelling or enjoyable to read? Why? I enjoyed all three of them - we learned so much about the past, the apothecary shop and what had happened in both the past and present, that each particular POV was enjoyable to read. 

12. The theme of motherhood is explored throughout. Nella mourns her inability to have children, and while Caroline begins the story wishing she had a baby, this changes by the end of her narrative. What wisdom do you think Nella would impart to Caroline about the pursuit of motherhood, if the two women had the opportunity to sit down and talk? I think Nella would explain to her that eventually, the time will run out where a baby will be impossible. For Nella, that happened fairly early on due to what her lover did to her, and she was never given the chance to be a mother again until Eliza entered her world. But, the times were different for Nella than they are for Caroline. Having children was important back in 1791, to carry on legacies. In the present, having children is of less importance, and people even going so far as to not want any children at all. 

13. In the historical note, the author states that “in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, the largest population of accused poisoners consisted of mothers, wives and female servants.” Did this statistic surprise you? Given that the science of toxicology didn’t yet exist in the late 18th century, do you think it’s possible that a shop like Nella’s might have actually existed? Which of the many potions and poisonours concotions did you find the most interesting or surprising? I will be honest and say I didn’t read the historical note, but seeing it here, I don’t think that much surprises me about the 18th century. It was an entirely different time, and I believe anything is possible, hence why I think that an apothecary shop like Nella’s could have absolutely existed. 

14. The Lost Apothecary is paced purposefully so that the truth about Nella’s fate is slowly revealed over the course of the story. What techniques or literary devices did the author use to drip-feed this information and maintain the book’s suspense? I’m not really on the up-and-up on literary techniques or devices. Normally, duelling timelines and multiple POVs makes it difficult for me to follow along to a story, but in this case, it was simple, since the present day timeline was perfectly aligning with that of the 1791 timeline, ensuring we all found out the fate of everything at the same time. 

15. Discuss the meaning of the title. In your opinion, which character is the real lost apothecary? The lost apothecary was Nella. For years, it was believed that Eliza was the culprit in murdering the men. Though she was just a child, anything was possible back then, just like children of the present day could be murderers as well. But, Nella was the one doing the work and it was basically eating away at her. Nobody ever learned of her secret, at least none that I could decipher. 

Questions provided by readinggroupguides.com, and can also be found in the last pages of this novel’s edition. 

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I was happy that Caroline finally began following her dreams. Definitely one that I would recommend to those looking for something a little different. 4/5 stars! 

[alifurt]

2020. Who can forget 2020?

January started off normal - I went to a photography convention in Nashville, then my aunt and uncle came to visit. February brought a fun weekend trip to Portland and another two photography conferences but in Vegas and Atlanta this time. Then on March 8, 2020 I got home from the photography conferences and the world shut down. I remember traveling and worrying about the start of COVID-19 since we had the first infected in Seattle and I was traveling (feeling fine) but concerned I'd be unaware and bringing something elsewhere. It was a strange feeling - but not nearly as strange as coming home and having that be the last contact with the outside world for quite some time. March 2020 we got the kids all desks and our upstairs turned into a schoolhouse with 3 kids trying to remote learn with two remote working parents.

So catching up on 2020. My mom still came to visit in March because things were not FULLY shut down around the country (if only we knew what was coming...) We did lots of reading, daily walks, and youtube yoga. Viv's exploration of baking began and April brought more crafts, zoom meetings, engineering projects, a simple easter at home, and a plethora of wine and sunsets on the deck.

May 2020 included puzzles, butterfly kits, hiking, swimming, rollerblading, driveby birthday celebrations. It was the first time my parents didn't get to come out for a birthday (Conner's).

In June, we were hesitantly over the whole quarantine thing. We did some serious quarantine and testing in order to finally have some fun. We went to Chelan with the Gonens to celebrate Ari's birthday then later that month we snuck away to Seabrook with the Gilberts who was had been quarantining with.

Finally, just in time for Claire's birthday we also did make it back to Michigan and stayed for the first few weeks of July since there was nothing going on back in Washington but we did make it back to celebrate Dottie's first birthday.

August 2020 we had an amazing day trip to Westport and this was the beginning of our dream to have a plot of land on the ocean. Claire learned how to ride a two-wheel bike. We spent a ton of time down at the lake keeping cool and the dog park running around.

September brought our annual Labor Day camping trip after missing Memorial Day with friends, we were all so excited to be together outside. Then entry back to the torture of remote school from home. We put Claire into a full-day in-person preschool because the spring taught us that we could not work, parent and teach 3 kids from home in different grades. It was the best decision we made.

October we went to a pumpkin patch and celebrated halloween and Lucia's birthday.

November we experienced the most isolated Thanksgiving ever but we made the best of it with zoom.

We did end the month with our tree hunt and we ended up with a perfect crazy COVID tree that went all over the place and was as unpredictable as the year was.

December we celebrated Vivian's birthday at home with my parents and brother in town but without our usual visit to Snowflake Lane for the first time ever. We also celebrated at a cabin with friends after family took off.

This was when we started getting into skiing regularly and enjoying it as a whole family. As we entered 2021, we went about three times a week. It was the perfect COVID-safe activity outside and masked because of the cold.

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Captain Jack’s Island Grill – Lahaina, Maui, HI

Happy Hour at Captain Jack’s Island Grill – Lahaina, Maui, HI

Updated 2/16/2023 by the Maui Happy Hours team

Happy Hour at Captain Jack’s Maui from 2pm-5pm Daily

Happy Hour Drinks at Captain Jack’s - $5 Well Drinks - $5 House Wines - $6 House Margaritas and Mai Tais - $1 Off All Draft Beers and Domestic Bottled Beers - $9 Specialty Cocktails Happy Hour Specialty Cocktails $9 - Jack’s Mai Tai - Tropical Pirate - Sweet Sirens Lemonade - Treasure Chest Margarita Happy Hour Food Menu at Captain Jack’s - Tacos – Calamari $4, Chicken $4, Pulled Pork $6, Baja Fish $7 - BBQ Chicken Quesadilla $9 - Kracken Calamari $9 - Fish & Chips $13 - Sliders with Fries $8 - Coconut Shrimp $14 - Shrimp Cocktail $13 - —————————— Address: 672 Front St, Lahaina, HI 96761 Phone: (808) 667-0988 Website About Captain Jack’s Maui This casual pirate-themed eatery, the sister restaurant to Cool Cat Café, serves lunch and dinner daily. Captain Jack’s enjoys a bird’s eye view of Front Street in downtown Lahaina, across from the Banyan tree, on the 2nd floor of the West Wharf Cinema Center. They offer hearty breakfast on the weekends and fresh fish lunch and dinner specials daily. Try their Kraken Calamari served with a spicy tartar sauce for dipping or lilikoi beer-battered Captain Jack’s Fish-n-Chips. In addition, they have many delicious entrees from the Southwest Seas along with a full array of Pupus, Sandwiches, and Fresh Kula Green Salads. With a great location, fun atmosphere, delicious food, and live music nightly, this pirate restaurant is a local Maui favorite. Happy hour at Captain Jack’s in Lahaina is 2pm-5pm and features discounted beers, wine, cocktails, well drinks, and pupus (appetizers).

According to these Captain Jack’s patrons

“Great location and happy hour menu. Bartenders and staff were great, drinks and food were very good. Highly recommend Captain Jack’s!” Nash C., January 2023 “Captain Jack’s is a great place to go hang for happy hour. Staff was so great too!” Alaina C., February 2023 “Great restaurant in Lahaina! We came with a group of 10 for lunch, and they had something for everyone. A great kid’s menu if you are traveling with young ones! Prices were VERY reasonable and staff was friendly! Would definitely come back and would recommend for anyone looking for a meal in Lahaina!” Emily H., January 2022 “Food is always awesome, beer is always cold, drinks are always good and staff is always friendly! A definite go to!” James M., January 2022 “Calamari-strips appetizer was refreshingly tender! Got a table paralleling Front street and enjoyed people watching. Staff wore masks, very good service from Ryan. Wings with sweet and spicy chile sauce were plentiful and excellent. Jack burger, local-vegan taro burger, and fish tacos also excellent preparation and tasty. Lemonade refreshing. Maui Big Swell IPA served from can into cold glass was refreshing. Arrive on the early side of lunch or dinner and you’ll beat the crowds. But if you’re going to be in a crowd – this will be a fun filled place!” Craig H., January 2022 “Fish and Chips… Super Ono! Loco Moco broke Da Mouth! Maui Mule Super Yummy!” Anthony M., December 2021 “Food was great and the atmosphere was fantastic. Great views of the streets below and very cool with the open sides for the breeze to pass through. Grilled cheese and chicken nuggets for the kids. “These are the best nuggets I’ve ever had”-Gavin (aged 8).” Chris L., December 2021 “Pirate-themed restaurant! The staff was extremely friendly everyone we talked to was very polite and helpful. Food was so good. Reasonably priced, came out quickly. I got the shrimp appetizer, husband got a chicken sandwich and I had pulled pork- big helpings and tasted amazing. Awesome happy hour.” Molly T., January 2021

Want to make a comment or ask a question? Are you a fan of Captain Jack’s? Tell us in the comments below.

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