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Best & Worst Series 2023
I saw a booktuber do a video of these questions and I really liked them, so thought that I could answer them here! Credit goes to bookslikewhoa & thoughtsontomes on youtube. Feel free repost and add your own answers!
My post from last year
In total I read roughly 32 series in some shape or form:
I read and completed 12 series this year (meaning I read books 1-- end)
I finished/wrapped up 2 series this year
I started 11 series
I caught up with 2 series
I continued with 0 series
I DNF'ed 7 series
1.What is the best series that you caught up with this year that is still a work in progress? Legendborn by Tracey Deonn for sure. I read books 1 and 2 this spring and it's a new favorite. Also the Wayward Children series deserves to be on here, because I finally caught up with the books back in Jan/Feb.
2. What is the best completed series that you are still catching up with? Technically I'm reading the Damar books by Robin McKinley. I read book 1 a few days ago and I'm currently reading book 2, so I guess I'm catching up on it.
3.What was your favorite first book in a series this year? Favorite was Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett, but I also really enjoyed A Declaration of the Rights of Magicians by HG Parry and The Fifth Season by NK Jeminson too.
4.What is a first book in a series you read this year that you think should have been a standalone, not a series? Six Crimson Cranes by Elizabeth Lim. I enjoyed this book quite a bit, but I think it should have been a standalone. I did not read the sequel, nor do I plan to.
5.What is your most over-hyped series of the year? The Poppy War by RF Kuang š¬. I generally liked it, but by no means thought it was worthy of the hype it got. Same with Empire of Sand.
6.What is a series that you DNFed this year? A bunch: Empire of Sand, The Last Binding, Six Crimson Cranes, The Isles of the Gods, Fourth Wing, The Mimicking of Known Successes, The Cemetery of Forgotten Books.
7.What was your favorite series finale of the year? The finale to The Expanse series, Levithan Falls. A very satisfactory and good conclusion.
8.What was the biggest cliffhanger you had in a series this year? Probably the ending of The Stolen Heir by Holly Black.
9.What is your most anticipated next book in a series that you read this year that will come out next year? Again, Emily Wilde- with the second book coming out Jan 2024.
10.What is your most anticipated series to catch up on with? The third Crescent City book by SJM. This is shaping up to be my favorite sjm series so far.
11.What was your favorite series that you finished this year? I had so much fun with the Age of Darkness series by Katy Rose Pool that I just have to include this one. It's maybe not the best ever, but I really enjoyed it. Also the Broken Earth series by NK Jemison.
12. What is the most surprising series you liked this year? I decided to give the Mistborn Era 2 a try, and I ended up enjoying it. It was a good audiobook to listen to during my drive into work, and I'm glad I read another Sanderson series.
13.What is a series you finally bailed on after holding onto it for a long time? None.
14.What is the series you meant to catch up with or finish this year that you didn't? Possibly the Veronica Speedwell books, but I haven't read one of those in a few years now, so it might just be a dnf š¤·āāļø
15.What is a series you finished or caught up with this year that you think is greater than the sum of its parts? I reread the Heroes of Olympus series on audio and while there are certain books/scenes I like from the series, I would consider it overall greater than the sum of its parts.
If you're still here and reading, then here are all the series I read this year. This is obviously more for my record keeping than anything else!
The Shadow of the Wind (The Cemetery of Forgotten Books) by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Not planning on continuing any time soon.
Wayward Children series by Seanan McGuire. Read books 4-7 on audio. (caught up)
Ninth House (reread) + Hell Bent by Lehigh Bardugo (caught up)
Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett (new series)
The Folk of the Air trilogy by Holly Black (reread on audio)
Kingsbridge books 2 , 3 & 0 by Ken Follett
The Stolen Heir by Holly Black (new series)
A Day of Fallen Night by Samatha Shannon
The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi by Shannon Chakraborty (new series)
The Expanse 7, 8 & 9 by James SA Corey (completed series)
Legendborn & Bloodmarked by Tracey Deonn (caught up)
The Heroes of Olympus series by Rick Riordian (reread on audio)
A Marvellous Light by Freya Marske (series dnf)
The Mimicking of Known Successes Malka Ann Older (dnf on audio)
Empire of Sand by Tasha Suri (series dnf)
Age of Darkness trilogy by Katy Rose Pool (completed)
The Poppy War trilogy by RF Kuang (completed)
Six Crimson Cranes by Elizabeth Lim (series dnf)
The Shadow Histories by HG Parry (completed)
The Isles of the Gods by Amie Kaufman (series dnf)
Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros (series dnf?)
Skyhunter & Steelstriker by Marie Lu (complete)
The Broken Earth trilogy by NK Jemison (complete)
Shades of Magic trilogy by VE Schwab (reread on audio)
The Chalice of the Gods by Rick Riordian
The Fragile Threads of Power by VE Schwab (series start)
Mistborn era 2 by Brandon Sanderson (complete on audio)
Murtagh by Christopher Paolini (inheritance spinoff?) (series start)
A Strange and Stubborn Endurance (reread) & All the Hidden Paths by Foz Meadows (complete or caught up?)
Howl's Moving Castle trilogy by Diana Wynne Jones (partial reread)
Damar by Robin McKinley (complete)
The Dark is Rising by Susan Cooper (reread on BBC radio version)
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Do you know who's also 15 has a final form values friendship above most things wants to keep everyone safe and has fought and won against multiple gods or god-like entities???
anyway I firmly believe a little bit of Sonic could have saved Chuuya.
#they even both had life-threatening adventures inside storybooks can you believe this#sonic has like 3 things: freedom friendship and saving the world#one of those things chuuya severely lacks#this series started in 2012-13 chuuya was 15 seven years prior which means chuuya was 15 in 2005-6#you know what else came out at the start of the 2000s????#the best 3d sonic games that's right (also arguably the single worst but shhh)#bsd#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs#bsd fanart#bsd chuuya#bsd nakahara chuuya#not tagging the blue boy š#nawy's doodles#i swear if the colors are too saturated/contrasted on my phone again i'll scream#if the blue and red hurts your eyes i'm so sorry i'm currently waging war against screen display gamuts and losing
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Hey! In retrospect, this might be kinda obvious to some, but I was just thinking about the scene early in Season 4 where Callum recalls the fact that he's destroyed multiple powerful magic objects/artifacts and I realized that that scene was probably meant to highlight/make it hit harder later in the season when Callum can't do the same thing to the cube and I got excited lmao
So I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about what gets lamp shaded / referred back to specifically in S4 and possibly why, re: exactly what you pointed out, dear nonnie, in 4x02 (which made me Yell the first time around because I loved it as a lamp shade), as well as Rayllum's scene on the Pinnacle in 4x05. So why not talk about about them? If you are curious about more on Callum's "breaking magical objects" pattern I'd recommend this meta as well as this one, although there shouldn't be too much repetition here
Let's go
4x02 - Accidentally on Purpose
Including this shot because it has the Ocean-Star rune combination for the cube, my beloved.
The primal stone, Ethari -> Rayla -> Callum's pendant, and the Moon Henge all shudder. The mirror, too, will shortly be broken, although by Aaravos' own hand rather than Callum's (at least, not directly). This line and pattern also underscores one of Callum's key flaws, as his impulsive flippancy ("'It's the winter lodge, Rayla, no winter no humans' ugh" / "He tried to copy Claudia's lightning spell, but he doesn't know how to finish it!") when it comes to magic is ultimately related to how Selfish he can be. He, like many characters in TDP, can tunnel vision so hard he doesn't see or fully consider the possible consequences of his actions, but I do think Callum has a thread of like internalized focus that makes it stem from selfishness (more akin to perhaps Claudia and Viren) than it does shortsightedness/shame (Rayla) or inadvertent steamrolling (Claudia, Ezran).
For Callum, just knowing magic isn't enough. He's always focused on how he can use it.
"I just don't want to be useless," he said (S2 novelization, set during he and Rayla's late night talk about "I have to be a mage again").
He'd always known that cube was important. Maybe now Rayla would start listening to him... and maybe now he would find out how he could use the mysterious cube. [...] But Callum was awake obsessing over the Key of Aaravos. What could he achieve with it?
Now, does Callum ever mean to be selfish? No, of course not. He doesn't mean to put Rayla and Zym in danger with his pursuit of magic (or his lie to Amaya), but that's what happens anyway. 2x04 has always stood out to me as a particularly interesting episode, precisely because it shows this flaw on full display in ways that S1 could've neatly resolved. In 1x04, Callum pursues magic ultimately to the group's detriment (just how much, depending on what the cube does, remains to be seen). Then in 1x09, through smashing the primal stone (which we'll talk about more in a minute) he puts the group above his pursuit of magic. It's a nice little full circle, and it could've easily been the resolution of this behavioural pattern. But it isn't, so I'm curious to see if/how it'll come back in future seasons (maybe S5) in some capacity.
To me, this is one of the things that make TDP's characterization so realistic. Callum can learn one lesson partially in 1x04 (don't take unnecessary risks) and apply that portion fully in 1x07 (regarding elves and humans), be willing to sacrifice a more tangible pursuit of magic for Zym ("But without this, I'm nothing") in 1x09, but still not fully learn his "Look before you leap when it comes to magic" lesson by the time we roll around in 2x04 or even 2x07 (although the context for the latter is vastly different). Just like how if saving Zym or being a good enough protector could solve Rayla's self worth issues, she would've been totally fine after 1x09, but we see her have the exact same kind of breakdown two seasons later ("This is all my fault. I dropped it. I let you both down. I let the world down" / "It's me, and it's all my fault. I failed them! I let them all down") because well - issues and emotional wounds are not so easily solved.
Anyway, back on topic: what does any of this have to do with S4's lamp shading of Callum's tendency of breaking magical objects?
Well, I think you're right: the Key is seemingly rare, powerful, and possibly sought after by Aaravos. At the very least it's connected to him, and Callum is now terrified of him. But he won't relinquish/destroy it at this present time, so there's a nice contrast there. The cube has a pull over him for whatever reason, whether that's curiosity, it being Harrow's last parting gift to him, or even possibly the fact it was the first thing he and Rayla really bonded over ("Hey sad prince. Let's go get your cube") and his own potential as a mage. He does, after all, look at the moon rune specifically after lowering it.
But I also think it's indicative that the object and conversation Callum is most directly referencing is this one with Claudia in 2x02 about breaking their joint primal stone:
Which was pretty noble, and inspired a very strong character arc for Callum, full of struggle and interesting character aspects. Breaking the primal stone wasn't the ideal situation for him by any means, but it was undeniably the Right Thing To Do. On the surface, there's nothing to be worried about... except:
I have not seen the stars in centuries. But when I see them againāwhen the stars are forced to look upon me, their dark brotherāthey will know how I have waited. And when everything they have built lies shattered, I will savor their fall from the sky. (Patience, TDP reflections)
The Whole World is like a Giant Primal Stone. When backed into a corner and able to save someone he loves and/or cares about, Callum is willing to sacrifice his own source of power. He's willing to bend his morals and do dark magic. He's willing to jump off a cliff with just the faintest hope he can grow wings and save them both. We also know that Callum, either within a possessed state or outside of it, has to play into Aaravos' hands, otherwise it is unlikely the Startouch elf would be released (and he has to be released).
Which, all of this also works fairly well in tandem with
4x05 - You saved me
So Rayllum's scene on the Pinnacle is one of my favourite scenes between them in the season, as well as one of the most interesting. After all, the Pinnacle is the place for quite a few important Rayla and Callum moments in season three: Rayla finding out the truth about her mum and dad, thanks to Callum; Callum trying to tell her that he loves her for the first time (which Soren's interruption also lampshades); and of course when Callum jumps off the Pinnacle to save her. And while Soren's dialogue is a more comedic callback to the second one, Rayla's dialogue calls to mind the latter:
(Callum's face only falls in the second screencap when she gets to "certain death," by the way.)
It's not entirely clear why Callum starts crying when he looks away, as he has a lot of reasons to (the fear of what Aaravos may make him do, thus turning him into something that hurts people rather than saves them; the fact that he's had only like, 1.5 days to process the return of the love of his life and all those complicated feelings) but he does start crying. Rayla then does her best to help, but doesn't get a chance to, and it's not clear if Callum would've let her, either.
But I thought the emphasis on "saving" was interesting, to say the least. Why not be more explicit about the way this was the first time they said "I love you"? Some note of "so much has changed, but not everything's changed" from Rayla, if they wanted a nudge of some sort. Or it could've been something about Rayla's parents, grateful that she was able to forgive them and realize the truth, that'd they'd left for "a good cause".
Well, I think the most straight forward thing is first, that Callum and Rayla are a couple who has always been very defined by reciprocally saving each other; Callum defends them from the smoke wolves, Rayla defends them from Runaan, etc. Rayla saves everyone (Bait, Ezran, Zym, the downed dragon), and Callum saves her (1x05, 2x04, 2x07, 3x09). The second is that S5, if it brings back Callum's possession plot line (and it likely will, with the emphasis on darkness and drowning from some of the TDP shorts for the season: "Soren gasped the darkness like water into his lungs.Ā He could not breathe.Ā He was drowning") Rayla is probably going to the one to ultimately save him from it, somewhat due to the light and dark symbolism as well (Rayla showing up haloed in moonlight with the cube on her shoulder).
An emphasis on how Arc 1 culminated in a big show of love as Callum saved Rayla, if Rayla is going to be the one to successfully save Callum from brainwashing next season (and restore to her that "We can't save everyone" isn't true after all) makes a lot of sense, especially with it foreshadowed / spelled out more directly in this quote from the Book One Moon novelization:
āWow.Ā So they look identical, but they might kill you or they might save you,ā Callum said.
āExactly.Ā Just like meā¦ā Rayla smiled.
She's certainly not going to kill him and thus, Rayla has to save him. There we get that mutual reciprocation, especially when she left in TTM to try and save/spare him - it'd be a good way for her to realize that the best way to save/protect him is to stay, right here, with him instead. She'll risk the world ("You let him live but you killed us all" "You have two choices: you all die, or just the evil wretched human dies"), and it'll be worth it.
However, as I've already said, Callum has to play into Aaravos' hands in order for the Startouch elf to get out. And Aaravos is clearly pretty confident it'll happen, whether precisely because Callum is worried because of the possession (a more likely manipulation tactic) or due to the possession itself (less likely, as why reveal your checkmate move ahead of time?).
Rayla realizing she can save Callum is also, indeed, only one piece of the puzzle. She also has to realize that she deserves to be saved, which 4x05 seems like a step in the right direction of (she's happy and lovey about it, not guilty) even if her self worth issues are still very prevalent: "This is all my fault. I left [Soren] alone. I shouldn't haveā" as well as trying repeatedly to go off on her own.
So 4x05 emphasizing the last time Callum saved her, setting up that he'll also save her again (and possibly risk the primal stone world again, helping to free Aaravos in exchange for also freeing Rayla) in S5?
He'll risk the world, and it'll be worth it.
#tdp callum#rayllum#requests#thanks for asking#analysis series#anonymous#mutual salvation theory#s4#s4 is my best friend#parallels#cube hostage exchange theory#ppl also sometimes act like selfishness is the worst character flaw ever and it's like nah honey#but it's one of the Most Interesting for sure#arc 2#4x02#4x05#analysis#snake boi callum#characterization#so many tags jc
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Beating veilguard may genuinely get me out of my writing slump because I Need To Fix It
#dragon age#dav critical#crow rambles#sorry for only talking about what i disliked rn i swear i have quite a few things i very much liked#i unironically think that this finaly battle is one of the best in the series#even if it took what? two fucking hours lmao#DEFINITELY a step up from corphyeus#it reminded me of the battle of denerim in a way which is always a win in my book#i do wish we could control companions bc having a similar set up to denerim where you control your companions when youre split#would have been SOOO fun i kept thinking about it#however i do kinda understand not doing that in that end battle bc that was a very VERY long end quest(s)#i dont think ghilinain was the hardest boss in the game which was disappointment#okay im about to yap about spoilers in the tags so. warning yay#anyways I complete forgot about felassan's run until i beat the damn game#credits started rolling and i went āoh. i could have done that.ā#i meant elgarnan. not ghilinain. ugh sorry#anyways he has nothing on ghilinain's (the actial one) three headed monster. that shit was HARD#i think i died at least seven times? minimum??#siege of weisshaupt was ALSO a particularly good quest btw even if some of the dialogue was odd#the only boss that i strugged with so badly i had to lower my difficultly was that fucking dragon in the crossroads. what the fuck is its#problem. and that was WITH the blessing of mythal getting rid of its armor. 0/10 worst fucking fight ever oml
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good morning friendz !! i hope everyone has a great monday and wonderful start to their week ^_^ !!
#this weekend was like ā¦ the best of times and the worst of times LMAO iām glad itās over ngl#all last week was just a weird vibe tbh#but manifesting this week to be better for us all !!#supa excited for my bday tmro !!#got some fun things planned :3 !#other than that i think i wanna start working on my kuroo longfic again#and maybe finally start posting his series ā¦ maybe.#i just miss having one big thing to focus on for writing SOB#the zoro fic was the last one i had but it was all consuming so went by too quickly#need a lil project#OKAY IM RAMBLING TODAY SORRY !#sending out love and good energy to you all :3#love u guys sm#also lowkey want a new tag for good morning posts bc i feel like itās my lil journal#and in case anyone needs to block it !#much 2 think about !#āĖā¹ į° xoxo aims
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when you finally find a character that shares your name but all she does is experience the Horrors
#TW blood#Cw blood#Blood#technically she's ābeaā BUT CLOSE ENOUGH#not tagging the series. y'know that one tumblr post screenshot about ships where it's horrible and they're perfect but no one else should#Get involved? That's this. Great stories! I will never recommend this goodness#That is her. Bea. Bea please stop. GIRLIE YOU GETTIN PEOPLE K I L L E D#she seen at least three dead people. Two of which died in front of her. Intentionally. And her best friend was just revealed to be a serial#Killer. Aaaaaaaand she's prolly about to die to the main antagonist#Rip Girlie and the second worst therapist of the year award goes to#Rambles#fambles
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im going to be real. alf and balder being people of color and specifically the kind of poc that they are is really not a good luck
#basically any time people that are not white are so much as glanced at in this series#it is thoughtless at best and really actively bad at worst.#personal#obligatory liveblog tag#valhalla
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[ID in Alt] this was made in a haze but I desperately wanted to portray what popped into my mind upon reading this post. Like a traumatized Full House
So anyway, since Bruce abandoned his family, are they gonna let Damian go live with Dick in the Tower orrr is DC going to keep being dumb and not take advantage of such a golden opportunity...
#dc comics#damian wayne#dick grayson#uhhh i could tag the others but it's not really necessary#anyway i am actually really enjoying the batman and robin series so far. so i can kind of excuse the way it's off in it's own world#it's world i so far prefer living in#but this??? this enchants me#(also on an actually angsty side like. Dick and Damians relationship started off with Dick being forced into a position of care-#-there was banter and positive reinforcement but there was tension-#-and by all accounts it seems like once the two weren't being coerced by circumstance that's when they really got closer-#-so... imagine.... putting them back in that similar scenario...except now the character dynamics have evolved)#(dick is someone damain trusts implicitly and now damian is burdening him. dick knows damian is a good kid but goddamnit he can't do this r#-and worst of all bruce is a) alive b) a mess c)...now a real tangible person with a relationship to damian that he can actually miss#no more hypotheticals. it's painful. it's deliciously juicy. if i had any steam in me I'd write it)#(alas this silly comic is the funnier summation of my thoughts on the matter)#also fun fact: wallys text initially said ''honey please daddys witnessing the horrors'' but i felt like that brought down the tone a bit#also i did not want to hand letter all that (the text is referencing the current events of si spurriers flash run btw)#then roy and lian i was like. okey based on what's happening now in GA this is like best case scenario#they've been through some stuff but they're together. father daughter bonding time (vowing vengeance against those who threatened your fam)
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Best and Worst Series of 2022 Book Tag
I saw a booktuber do a video of these questions and I really liked them, so thought that I could answer them here! Credit goes to bookslikewhoa on youtube. Feel free repost and add your own answers!
In total I read 21 series in some shape or form:
I read and completed 7 series this year (meaning I read books 1-- end)
I finished/wrapped up 2 series this year
I started 4 series
I caught up with 3 series
I continued with 1 series
I DNF'ed 5 series
1.What is the best series that you caught up with this year that is still a work in progress? I caught up with the Atlas Six series by Olivie Blake this year as I read books 1 and 2. Book 2 is my favorite, and it's proven to be a fun read.
2.What is the best work-in-progress series that you are still catching up with? OR What is the best completed series that you are still catching up with? Probably the Wayward Children series by Seanan McGuire. I've only read the first two books, but need to prioritize getting to the rest. In fact, I didn't read one of these this year.
3.What was your favorite first book in a series this year? I have to go with Tess of the Road by Rachel Hartman. I adore that book, and I reread it this year in anticipation for the sequel (the sequel was interesting to say the least-- it was quite different from the first book, and I'm still not sure if I liked it?)
4.What is a first book in a series you read this year that you think should have been a standalone, not a series? This one is tough, but I'll have to go with Book of Night by Holly Black. I found this overall very lackluster, and the story could have been wrapped up in one book.
5.What is your most over-hyped series of the year? Definitely Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson. I read books 1-3 this year, and while enjoyed the original trilogy for sure, they're not the best thing I've ever read. (I think Sanderson is a little over-hyped in general)
6.What is a series that you DNFed this year? I just finished One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig a couple of days ago, and I'm probably not going to read the sequel when it comes out next fall. Same goes with Book of Night by Holly Black and A Spindle Splintered by Alix E Harrow. I also attempted to read The Magicians by Lev Grossman, but ended up dnf'ing the book, so I'm def not reading the rest.
7.What was your favorite series finale of the year? OR What was your least favorite series finale of the year? My favorite series finale was Jade Legacy by Fonda Lee. That was such a satisfying ending to one of my favorite series and I was very happy with that book. It lived up to all my expectations.
8.What was the biggest cliffhanger you had in a series this year? The ending of House of Sky and Breath. How can you leave me like that SJM?! I have to wait potentially years for the next one, ughhhh!
I also reread The Other Side of the Sky by Amy Kaufman and Meghan Spooner (which ends with quite the cliffhanger!) and then the sequel, Beyond the End of the World.
9.What is your favorite spin-off series you read this year? Perfect question, as I read Forging Silver into Stars by Brigid Kemmerer this month and loved it. It's a spinoff of her ACSDAL series.
10.What is your most anticipated next book in a series that you read this year that will come out next year? I don't think I have any? Unless The Atlas Complex releases late next year, but I don't see a date yet for it.
11.What is your most anticipated series to catch up on with next year based on what you read in that series this year? Possibly The Expanse by James SA Corey, but primarily because that is the only series that fits this prompt. I read two more Expanse books this year, and I just want to push through and finish the series up next year. I feel like I've lost my motivation and interest in that series, but maybe starting to re-watch the show might rekindle that.
12.What was your favorite series that you finished this year? I started and finished The Queen's Thief series this year, and that has been by far a favorite.
13.What is your favorite episodic series of this year? I am currently reading The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett, the first book of the Kingsbridge series. Each book takes place at a different point in the middle ages and don't have to be read in order.
14.What is a series you finally bailed on after holding onto it for a long time? I don't have quite the accurate answer for this, but I had been meaning to try reading An Ember in the Ashes by Sabaa Tahir for years, but I read the first book and didn't like it. So you could say I bailed that series
15.What is the series you were most surprised you liked this year? I have to answer with A Deadly Education (The Scholomance) by Naomi Novik. I had heard mixed things about the first book, but I ultimately enjoyed it, and I went on to really like books 2 & 3. I was also a little hesitant about the premise of the series, but I also ultimately had a lot of fun with it.
16.What is the series you meant to catch up with or finish this year that you didn't? The Expanse again, I only read two books, and I wanted to finish it this coming year.
17.What is a series you finished or caught up with this year that you think is greater than the sum of its parts? Probably the Throne of Glass series by SJM. I reread this series in the beginning of the year, and while I enjoy it overall, some books are weaker than others.
If you're still here and reading, here are all the series I read this year. This is obviously more for my record keeping than anything else!
House of Earth and Blood (reread) + House of Sky and Breath
The Other Side of the Sky (reread) + Beyond the End of the World (sequel) (completed)
Throne of Glass series (reread all 7)
Expanse 5 & 6
A Spindle Splintered (series DNF)
Tess of the Road (reread) + In the Serpents Wake (sequel) (completed)
Jade Legacy (complete)
Parable of the Talents (complete)
An Ember in the Ashes (series DNF)
Percy Jackson and the Olympians (reread all 5 on audio)
Book of Night (series DNF)
The Atlas Six + The Atlas Paradox
The Scholomance (read all 3, completed)
Mistborn (read all 3, completed, partial audio)
The Queen's Thief (read all 6, completed)
Seasparrow
Moon Witch, Spider King
Forging Silver into Stars
The Magicians (DNF)
One Dark Window (series DNF?)
The Pillars of the Earth
#haha that's a lot#best and worst series book tag#book tag#book series#reading stats#bookblr#series#book tag game#feel free to copy/paste your own answers in#I'm a little insane I know#and I plan to start more series next year lmaoo
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Goddamnit.
So just to start, at least this was another serviceable Phoenix finale, even if we shouldn't be here for the finale! It was awesome seeing Truex going out up front for all of about one stage in that beautiful throwback scheme! Okay, now time for the word vomit.
I could go off on this system, but I know for sure that people way more talented than me are going to talk about that way better over the next few weeks. So I'll just say this. The playoffs may be a historically bad system, but it's a system that none of the drivers make and all of them have to play by, and Logano arguably plays by them better than everyone else. Just like how Jimmie ran with the Chase format, Gordon and Earnhardt excelled under the Winston Cup format, and the Petty's somehow won under whatever the hell NASCAR was smoking before that. I'm not even saying Logano's nearly as great as them (especially since this run was so lucky and Mickey Mousey even by playoff standards), but he's perfected playing by his system just as they did with theirs, no matter how much better their systems were. (Except for the pre-Latford systems, those were fucking terrifying.) This playoff format should have been torn down years ago and NASCAR is only hurting itself by keeping it around, but for as long as it's still shifting along, everyone has to win under it. And I think I'm done doubting Logano can do just that until he's written every last signature on his retirement papers, at least in even-numbered years anyway.
And hey, it could have been worse. It could have been Byron and Chevy. I'd rather see a driver win far and square under a crappy-ass system than a driver benefit off (his manufacturer) using the crappy-ass system to manipulate their way into a title. At least that's how I see it.
#nascar#nascar cup series#nascar phoenix#phoenix raceway#i really thought blaney had him man#i don't know what's wilder#that logano just had maybe the worst championship season ever...#...or that he would have had the worst 5-win season ever if not for dillon going postal at richmond#so is this the best worst cup season in recent memory or the worst best cup season in recent memory#so many legit amazing historic moments but so many times i was questioning if this sport would still be functioning in 5 years#anyway now i can focus on the nfl now and hope shitty officiating doesn't rot away at that league either!#(well actually maybe not next weekend since the grey cup is next week and that always rules but i digress)#joey logano#don't know about tagging blaney because yikes that's a lousy way to lose the title#i expect people to be very normal about austin cindric and alex bowman's crew in the coming weeks#i'm defending logano here and not the playoffs but even then i don't enjoy this any more than you do#the bullshit is very real#(please tell me the steelers shit the bed in the playoffs or else i'm never watching sports with the same joy again)
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Disease : paranoid ā¦ cl16
summary: The fact that you have to work as a Formula One driver's assistant for your final college grade is not the worst of your problems; the true issue is that no one told you that you would become a emotional support human for him.
pairing: charles leclerc x assistant!reader
tags: fluff + angst?, caring charles (tiny bit) + comfort, bad thoughts.
# part one - next part [ series masterlist ]
Everything feels unreal. You're watching the mechanics work in the garage, and the only thing you can think is: has red always been such a pretty color?
It was the first race of the season, and you didn't have much to do yet, they told you that you just needed to make sure that Charles did everything that they asked him to do, and that was easy, thanks to him.
āHave you seen my notebook?" Charles asks as he looks around to see if he can catch a glimpse of the tiny notebook somewhere, you let out a chuckle, grab your purse from the floor and give him what he needs.Ā
āHow is it that you always have everything I need?ā he took the notebook from your hands and opened it āI try my bestā he gave you a knowing look.
Charles still remembers the first time he saw you at the Ferrari headquarters in Maranello, you had just signed your contract with them and he had just been told that he had a new assistant.Ā
You were quite awkward and a bit clumsy when he first struck up a conversation with you. He learned that this was your first job, and he made a mental note to make you feel welcome, and also he didn't want you to leave him like the others.Ā
He tried his best to make you feel as comfortable as possible before the season started, he was patient and generally nice, which was what you really needed at that moment.Ā
When you made your first mistake and didn't tell Charles that he was supposed to be in a meeting, he took the blame and told Fred that it was his fault.Ā
You thought he would be angry, but he just said "It's okay, everyone makes mistakes" and in that moment you thank the angels for making him such a nice person.Ā
"Thank you, Mr. Leclerc"Ā
"None of that, we are a team you and I, if you ever need help just come to me."Ā
That was a month ago when you were still new and walking on eggshells trying not to make any mistakes, luckily you got better after all your final grade depended on it.Ā
"Have you eaten today?" Charles asks, handing his notebook back to you, just needed to check something he thought he should comment on the car in the next meeting they will have.Ā
"I haven't, but I was about to do so," you told him as you walked out of the garage with him beside you, trying your best not to look at him to see his face, which probably had a disappointed look on it.Ā
"I thought you said you already ate."Ā
"I did."Ā
"What did you have?"Ā
"Coffee," you mumble softly as you enter the Ferrari hospitality, "that's not food y/n," he scolds you again, you already lose count of how many times he does this.
Charles grabs a plate and starts to put different kinds of fruit on it, "you already ate," he nods, "This is for you," you try to grab the plate out of his hands, but he stretches his arm as high as he can to make sure you don't have a chance to grab it.Ā
"It's my food, let me grab what I want," he ignores you, grabs your wrist, and walks over to one of the tables.Ā
He pulls out a chair for you and you sit down, he puts the plate in front of you and sits across from you, motioning for you to start eating, which you do, but not before giving him the meanest look you can.
You take out your phone and play a YouTube video while you eat, it is a bad habit and Charles has told you several times but he still watches with you.Ā
When you put the phone at the right angle so that you and Charles can see the video without any problems, you notice that he is not watching.
āMr. Leclerc" you called him but he didn't answer, you sighed softly, you know he heard you.Ā
"Charlie?"Ā
"Yes?"
"You have to stop doing that," he tilted his head as if he didn't know what you were saying, "I shouldn't call you that," "Why not?" "Because you're my boss.ā
"There's nothing wrong with calling me that, besides it makes me feel old when you call me Mr. Leclerc."
"You are old"Ā
"I'm twenty-six."Ā
The look you gave him was enough to make a dramatic gasp come out of his mouth, you were already used to his tactics so you didn't apologize for calling him old.Ā
When the alarm on your phone went off, you grabbed it and stopped it before it could keep ringing, "Time to go, you have a meeting," you said as you handed him his notebook that he needed for to take notes.Ā
He gave you a quick thanks, but you grabbed him and raised your hand, he gave you a pout, but you shook your head at that, he took his phone out of his pocket and placed it in your hand, "it was worth the try," he muttered to himself.Ā
ā¦ ā¦ ā¦
While you were waiting for Charles' meeting to end, you took out your laptop and started to finish the assignment you were supposed to send for this month.Ā
You were quite happy when your professor told you that all you had to do was to send in a report on what you had done, the experience you had gained, and what you had become better at, for your monthly assignment.Ā
It was a pretty easy assignment since you were traveling around the world and learning things that you didn't even know existed, and since this was your first job, it was easier for you because you were learning a lot of new things.Ā
āY/n?" You took your eyes off the computer and looked at the person calling your name, you tilted your head as if to ask if they needed anything but they shook their head and motioned with their hand towards the hospitality door.Ā
You quickly grab your things and walk to the door to greet your friend, "Did you see what Professor Brown posted in the announcements?" You shake your head and ask, "Is it something important?" "Depends, he wants us to take pictures of what we have been doing lately."Ā
It didn't sound too bad, if the assignments continued to be like this, you were pretty sure you'd get an easy A.Ā
"Did you do it?" You ask her, "I did," she nods, "but I came here to tell you because I know sometimes you don't check the announcements," you give her an embarrassed smile, "I'm not that bad," you mutter softly, and she gives you a look, which you shrug off.Ā
"Well, I'm going back, I'm pretty sure Lando is already out of control again, see you, take care," she gave you a quick hug before walking quickly towards the McLaren hospitality.Ā
You watched her go and sighed, taking your phone out of your pocket, ready to take some pictures to send with the assignment, "Hey, have you seen Andrea?" You jump a little at the voice next to you, "Don't do that, and yes heās in your driver's room, are you okay? You've been acting weird since yesterday" you ask him with concern evident in your voice, but he quickly shrugs it off and tells you that he is fine.Ā
You make a mental note to ask him later. "I'm going to exercise, go to my driver's room if you need anything, okay?" You nod, take his phone out of your purse and hand it to him.Ā
He quickly says goodbye and walks away before you can say anything else to him, you have noticed that Charles has been acting strange since you arrived in Bahrain.Ā
You have been meaning to ask him about it, but every time you get the chance he seems to run away, which is so unlike him.Ā
You snap out of your thoughts and head back into the hospitality area, ready to take some pictures and send off the assignment.Ā
ā¦ ā¦ ā¦
Practice one is about to start and everyone is running around making sure everything is perfect. The only thing that seems not to be here is the driver.Ā
"Y/n, where is Charles?" Fred asks, you want to shrug your shoulders but then you remember that this is your job, and you should know where he is, you look at him and tell him you're going to get Charles, and he gives you a thumbs up.
You look for Charles everywhere, including his driver's room and the hospitality area. Has he left? You were pretty sure you saw him a few minutes ago.Ā Ā
How can a person disappear so quickly? you even ask people from other garages and they haven't seen him.Ā
You tried to call him, but his phone was dead, it didn't even send you to voicemail.Ā
"Y/n!" You hear someone yell your name and quickly turn your head towards Carlos, he seems out of breath, and you can see his chest rising and falling faster than normal.
"Charles is in my driver's room, I don't know what happened," he said, but that was enough for you to start running towards the Ferrari driver's room. You still shouted a thank you to Carlos and that seemed to have caught the attention of other people who looked at you strangely.
But you did not care about that, you needed it to find Charles and to make sure that he was ready to get into the car.Ā
You reach the driver's room trying to catch your breath as much as you can, you probably look terrible with hair sticking in your face from how much you've been sweating, you want to kill him for making you suffer like this.
You were now outside Carlos' driver's door and you could hear soft mumbling, was he talking to himself?
You knocked softly on the door and waited for an answer, when you got none you decided to open the door.Ā
"Charles how can-" you couldn't continue as Charles was lying on the floor with his hands on his head rocking back and forth as if trying to calm himself down, your thoughts of scolding him left you just by seeing him in such a vulnerable state.
You walked as slowly as you could and bent down to his level. You grabbed one of his hands, and that was enough for him to look at you quickly.Ā
"I'm sorry - I can't, it's going to be like last year," he said quickly, you know from what you heard that last year was not a good one for Charles, the car didn't seem to work for him at all, you didn't know he was that affected by it, and now looking at him you didn't want him to feel that way.Ā
He's such an amazing person and always so happy and joking with you, but he was hiding a lot of things that had hurt him and you couldn't let that happen.
"Hey, you can do this, okay?" both your hands grab his face and you give him a tiny smile, "I can't..." you shush him and try to get as close to him as you can, were you allowed to hug him? You did not know, but at that moment he probably needed it.Ā
"Hey, those bad days don't define you, you're amazing and such a talented driver, last year the car wasn't good, let's leave that in the past, okay? This is a new opportunity and you're going to show everyone who Charles is, you're going to make them eat their words, so go and destroy them, champ".Ā
That seems to make Charles' worries melt away a bit, you told him to take a deep breath with you, and when you felt that he was better you slowly let him go. But that seems to be a wrong move, because when you do, Charles seems to look at you as if you took something away from him, but you ignored it.Ā
"Okay champ get up, time to make jaws drop with your amazing driving" you joked and you were quite happy because you could see the corner of his mouth move up a bit.Ā
"Thank you, Mon ange"Ā
"None of that, we are a team, you and I, remember?"Ā
He nodded and in that moment he let himself look at you while you smiled at him, he felt as if your smile had the power to melt away his worries leaving behind a feeling of peace, in that moment he was grateful for you, he took a deep breath and let it out, there was nothing to worry about.
He's pretty sure this season will go well with you by his side because you wouldn't leave him, would you?
Scuderia :: @evie-119 @tempo-rary-fix @spookystitchery @boiohboii @halleest @itsjustkhaos @aphroditeisamilf @vicurious28 @lozzamez3 @doofenshmirtzevil-inc @heyheyheyggg @teamnovalak @fakeplastiqtree @michelleyw81 @lillyssh-tposts @these-books-are-ruining-my-life @kqliie @deliciousfestsalad @biitch-with-wifi @xohollie01 @charlesleclerc2003 @loloekie @elliegrey2803 @steamy-smoker @doesnt-care @delululeclerc @vip-access @theseerbetweenus @haikyuen @arian-directioner @marvelfangirl04 @melagem02 @rach3164 @zucchinimalfoy @scopeiguess @landoslutmeout @reiofsuns2001 @badussybumper @nixily @forevercaffeinated-lee @i-wish-this-was-me @gabys-gabs @entr4p3 @trouble-sistar @thef1diary @puttyly @solo2leo @f1and1d4eva @liliummz
Team radio: I hope you like! it I feel I could have done better but English is not my first language but I will do my best to improve, I will keep practicing and improving my writing every day.
#charles leclerc x reader#charles leclerc fluff#formula 1 x reader#charles leclerc imagine#charles leclerc#charles leclerc fic#charles leclerc fanfic#f1 x reader#f1 fanfic#charles leclerc x you#f1 fic#f1 one shot#charles leclerc one shot#f1 x you#f1 x y/n#f1 imagine#charles leclerc blurb#formula one x reader#f1 fanfiction#fanfiction#f1 fluff#f1#cl16#cl16 x reader#cl16 imagine#scuderia ferrari
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do you believe me now? | 5
in which spencer reid and fem!reader are reunited, but the worst kind of sparks are flying. you meet a man named randall. derek morgan buys you a drink (sort of). it seems that some things can't be unsaid.
series masterlist
this series is 18+ warnings/tags: r goes to a bar but doesn't drink alcohol, gets hit on by weird men, dramatic, angst, sorry in advance a/n: surprise! i'll see myself out. love you! lmk your thoughts on this bad boy! i KNOW you'll have some! i'm locking all my doors and the cops are on speed dial after posting this. stay tuned for part six tho
You donāt call Spencer for four days.Ā
Spencer doesnāt call you for four days.Ā
Itās scary.Ā
Thereās some textingāmostly him giving you updates on how things are going and when he expects to be back. Mostly you giving the messages a thumbs up and saying nothing else.Ā
Finally, on Thursday afternoon, his ringtone (the Bill Nye theme) makes you jump as youāre sitting on your bed staring into space.Ā
His caller ID photoāwhich is simply his passport photo, because youād thought it was adorableāstares at you. You stare back. Contemplate not picking up.Ā
But youāre not quite there yet.Ā
And youĀ cannotĀ keep listening to Bill Nye the Science Guy.Ā
The answer button is cold under your thumb, but not as cold as your greeting.Ā
āHi.ā
You barely recognize your own voice.Ā
It seems to send Spencer for a loop as well, because his reply is halting.Ā
āHey! Hi, umāhow are you? I feel like weāve barely talked this week.ā
That would be because you told me my feelings for you are stronger than your feelings for me and I donāt know how to stop making every single word I say secretly mean I love you. We canāt have a conversation without me loving you. It will always be in the room or on the phone with us. To ignore the presence of it is impossible, and I donāt know if I can ignore the absence of yours, either.Ā
āUhā¦ yeah. Iām fine. Whatās up?ā
Thereās a pause.Ā
āWe wrapped up this morning. Weāre getting on the jet here in a few minutes, and, umāI know itās not ideal, but we missed Derekās birthday and Penelope is insisting we all go to his favorite bar tonight. And he told me that for his birthday he wants to meet you. Soā¦ would you be up for that?ā
āYou wantā¦ to take me to aĀ bar?ā
āNo. I meanāI know itās not really your thing, but we missed Derekās birthday three years in a row, andāand I understand if you donāt want to meet him tonight, but we wouldnāt have to stay very long and I really,Ā really shouldnāt skip it. Derek has saved my life on more than one occasion.ā
āYou could go without me.ā
More silence. Every second hurts, but you donāt understand why he wants you to come meet his best friend if he thinks the two of you are inĀ different places emotionally.Ā
But maybe heāsĀ notĀ going to break up with you just yet. Maybe heās going to keep inviting you to bars and foreign film festivals and bookshops. Maybe heās going to treat you exactly the same as he always has but with this new added layer of knowledge that the way he treats you isnāt actuallyĀ love, and it never was, and youāre not sure if it has the potential to everĀ becomeĀ love. Because if it didāwouldnāt it have already? What more do you have to offer than what youāve already given him?
Breakup or no breakup, you feel sick.Ā
When he speaks his tone is similarly chilly. Itās welcome. YouĀ wantĀ him mad. If he canāt reciprocate your adoration, then the very least he can do is have the decency to reciprocate your reproach.Ā
āI could. Is that what you want?ā
No. I donāt want any of this. I need you to know me well enough to know that. And if you canāt love me then at least get angry. At least show me you feel something other than passive contentment.Ā
āYeah. Sure. I donāt know.ā
A pause stretches so long your heart pounds. You watch the elapsed time of the call tick by, second by second, and you wait for the anticipation to crack under the weight of silence, to give way to some terrible jump scare or to give wayĀ at all.Ā
But the words that end the conversation (if you can even call it that) arenāt any great relief. Theyāre justĀ sad, and chalk full of defeat.Ā
āAlright. Iāllā¦ Iāll call you later.ā
You feel like youāve swallowed an ice cube. All the words youād like to say are frozen in your stinging throat.Ā
āOkay. Umā¦ Iāll let you board now.ā
āThe jetās notā¦ā but he trails off. When he speaks again he sounds just as hurt as youād wantedāand it doesnāt make you feel better atĀ all. āOkay. Bye.ā
āBye.ā
The line goes dead, and your face is burning as tears fill your eyes for the hundredth time this week. That call was terrible and poisonous and you donāt feel like yourself.Ā
Things have gone so wrong so quickly, and all you know how to do is ice him out so he canāt do it to you first. But itās not going to make this better. No matter how mean you are to him, at the root of it all you feel unloved and scared and alone and Spencer knows things about love and relationships thatĀ you donāt. Heās confusing you with all this talk ofĀ feeling differently about each otherĀ andĀ Iāll be home tomorrow I miss youĀ andĀ things get complicated when one person likes the other moreĀ andĀ letās talk in personĀ andĀ will you come meet my best friend tonight. All of it leaves you motion sick and ugly crying in the fetal position.Ā
All you have to get through this is who youāve always been, a little of the person youāve become, and the love you harbor for Spencer which rattles around in your chest like a nail in an empty toolbox. At the moment it hardly seems helpful. It mocks you, pointing out the pathetic hilarity of your paradox. The only person who can comfort you, the person you want more than anything, is the reason youāre so upset in the first place. But you canāt help being drawn to him.Ā
Maybe the love you have for Spencer is more like a magnet in a compass.Ā
Even if he doesnāt feel it for you, youĀ doĀ love Spencer. And that goes beyond just loving the parts of him that like you. To hide from that love would be a gross disservice to yourself and all the work youāve done to get here. Itās not as if you suddenly know exactly what the answer isābut youāre sure that hiding is the most childish, cowardly thing you could do and the furthest you could get from a resolution. Even if you canāt make him love you back, you refuse to allow yourself to fizzle quietly out of his life. This relationship deserves something more than that.Ā
So maybe you donāt have a plan when you wipe your eyes and pick up your phone. Maybe thereās no strategy behind your actions as you text Garcia for the bar location. But if you keep running from everything youāll never get anywhere. All you can do is show up. It seems like the next best step.Ā
------
The pub isnāt too crowdedābut for a Thursday night, you suppose itās a bit busy.Ā
Boot heels hooked onto the metal foot-beam of the stool youāre sitting on, elbows resting on the polished mahogany surface of the bar, youāre staring into an untouched mixed drink. Then you glance down the bar to your right, at the man whoād bought it for you.Ā
Maybe your ensemble gave him the wrong idea.Ā
Coming to this gathering had required bravery, and you came armored. Your ensemble projects significantly more confidence than youāre currently feeling. It was intentional, a form of self-protectionābut now youāre wondering if itās projecting a littleĀ tooĀ much confidence.Ā
All done up, clearly still a little rough around the edges, and sitting alone at a bar was bound to draw the wrong pairs of eyes.Ā
āHey, darlinā,ā the gruff man says, approaching when you inadvertently catch his gaze. āAre you gonna drink that, or should I? Otherwise Iām lookinā at eleven dollarsĀ rightĀ down the drain.ā
You avert your eyes, scanning the groups dotted here and there.Ā
āIām waiting for friends.ā
āDoes that make a free drink less appealing?ā
He takes the stool next to you, off-gassing the scent of cigarettes and leather.Ā
āIām not drinking.ā
āReally? Iāve never seen a girl who looks as sad as you do come sit at the bar to stay sober.ā
You frown, looking back up at the man next to you. He seems like the Hellās Angels typeātattooed knuckles, leather jacket, grey beard, and a weathered face thatās clearly spent decades with the sun. Fifties, maybe younger and just looks more rugged.Ā What does it say about how I look tonight that this is the kind of man Iām attracting, you wonder. Maybe you look desperate and just as lonely as you feel. As heĀ claimsĀ you do.Ā
āIām not sad.ā
āAlright. Iāll take your word for it. But a happier girl wouldnāt be all alone.ā
āIāmĀ waitingĀ forĀ friends,ā you repeat, letting the words drip like venom from your tongue.Ā
āIām Randall. See? Now we're friends.ā
āI donāt need more friends. I like the ones I have.ā
Something catches Randallās attention long enough to catch yours. He raises his bottle vaguely, gesturing beyond your shoulder.Ā
āAre those angry lookinā guys in the suits marching right over here theĀ friendsĀ youāre talking about?ā
You turn your head, brows furrowed, and immediately see the gentlemen to whom your new pal is pointing out.Ā
Spencer is storming across the bar looking close to furious (which for him, means an expression so placid it gives you chills) followed by Derek Morganāa man who youāve only seen pictures of and is even more impressive in person.Ā
You hate how your breath catches, how your heart is already beating a little faster than usual at the sight of him even though youāre not exactlyĀ pleasedĀ with each other right now.Ā
Suddenly the bubbles in your cocktail are once again fascinating.
āThose are the ones.ā
āAnd why are they dressed for church?ā
Church?
āTheyāre FBI.ā
āAh. My lucky fuckinā day.ā
You almost snort.Ā
āHey,ā Spencer says sternly, hand settling on your back as he partially fills the small space between you and the strange man. āWhoās this?ā
You shrug, sit up a little straighter, and take a shallow breathānot because youāre scared of this man but because Spencer is suddenly so close to you and you canĀ feelĀ his warmth and the air bending around him and theĀ scentĀ of him isĀ genuinelyĀ dizzying to you.Ā
āRandall,ā you exhale unenthusiastically. But the odd thing is that youāre rather grateful for Randallās presence. Because now Spencer is here and you have no idea what youāre going to say to him.Ā
āOh,ā Randall says, sipping his beer unhurriedly before using it to gesture to Spencer. āYouāre the boyfriend. You know, thatās funny, because she didnātĀ mentionĀ a boyfriend.ā
āI didnāt mentionĀ anything. We werenāt having a real conversation.ā
Randy holds his hands up defensively, fingers still wrapped around the neck of a sweating bottle.Ā
āIām just saying itāsĀ in-ter-esting. Not trying to start anything.ā He stands, pauses for another sipāSpencer obviously isnāt sure what to make of this man because he says nothing. āBut listen, man to manāyou better buy her some flowers or a real pretty fuckinā necklace or somethinā because a happy girl in a happy relationship does not come pout at the bar all by herself.ā
āGet out of here, man,ā Derek finally speaks up.Ā
āYeah, yeah.ā He sets his empty bottle down and fishes in his pocket for a cigarette, sticking it between his lips. āButājust for the recordāI have aĀ wife. I wasnāt gonna do anythingĀ weird. Sometimes when youāre my age you just gotta live a little. Buy a pretty girl a drink. Piss off some Mormons, or whatever the fuck you are.ā
This guy sounds like a bad Bruce Springsteen song.Ā But part of you would almost rather hang out with Randall than be forced into a conversation youāre not prepared for with Spencer.Ā
And whose fault is that, you remind yourself.Ā You decided to come be mature. Suck it up.Ā
āGoodnight,ā Derek emphasizes.Ā
Spencer doesnāt say a word. You can feel his eyes boring smoking holes into the side of your face, and you look anywhere else.Ā Ā
āIāll be here next week after physical therapy like clockwork,ā the stranger waves as he ambles awayābut not before pointing atĀ you. āYou enjoy that drink, friend. And donāt say I didnāt warn you.ā
What aĀ weirdĀ man.Ā
Thereās silence for a momentāin which Spencer refuses to stop watching you and you refuse to acknowledge that.Ā
āAnd here I was thinking Spencer made you up.ā Derek has a beautiful smile and a warm, charming cadence as he holds out his hand for you to shake. āIām Derek.ā
You take the proffered hand and shake, offering him a shy smile and introducing yourself in kind.Ā
āHappy birthday, by the way. Sorry for crashing your party.ā
Really, heāsĀ stunning.Ā
āThank you, sweetheart. And youāre not crashing anything. I told pretty boy here I wanted to meet you the second he started talking about aĀ friend. But nah, he just wanted toĀ talkĀ andĀ talkĀ andĀ talkĀ about youāāĀ
āAlright,ā Spencer mumbles, blushing, eyes finally torn from your profile. You smile slightly, brows knitting as Derek magically melts some of the terrible tension.
āPretty boy?ā
Before either of them can explain, someone shrieks in your general direction. You startle backward in your seat, and Spencer steps closer, hand sliding up your back as Penelope, JJ, and Emily join your little huddle. For only a second you allow yourself to shrink into himābefore youāre straightening your posture like your spine is a metal rod and his touch burns. Itās a knee-jerk defensive reaction for which you have no explanation. You canāt see him, but you donāt feel his hand on you again.Ā
āOh my god! Look at this beautiful person who I love!ā Penelope exclaims, pushing past Derek to grab your face and kiss both of your cheeks. āOh my god,ā she says again, wiping sticky lipgloss away with her thumbs, āI totally meant to ask before I did that. But your face is just soĀ kissable. Iām so glad you decided to come!ā
āHi, Penelope,ā you smile half-heartedly, incapable of reciprocating her cheery mood. Fortunately, sheās cheery enough for a standard commercial flightās worth of people, and probably thinks of Derekās birthday as a national holidayāso she doesnāt pick up on this.Ā
Emily and JJ offer you tamer although perfectly kind greetings.Ā
āOoh, what are you drinking?ā Emily asks, leaning closer to examine the forgotten beverage in front of you.Ā
āNot that,ā Spencer mutters, grabbing the glass and sliding it away from you. You give him an affronted lookāand immediately wish you hadnāt, since youāre meeting his eyes for the first time since he left. His words stall for just a moment as his eyes dart between yours before heās saying, āyou shouldnāt accept a drink if you didnāt watch someone make it.ā
The audacity of him to be acting protective makes you scoff.Ā
āThat guy didnāt spike my drink. He was harmless.ā
āPeople thought Ted Bundy was harmless, too.ā
Itās such a ridiculous thing to say that you donāt even have a responseāyour eyes simply narrow and you shake your head. A claustrophobic silence falls over the small group.Ā
āOkayā¦ā JJ murmurs. āUm, do you guys want to go check out the jukebox with me? We have to play all of the birthday boyās favorites.ā
Several enthusiastic yeses go around, but youāre too busy having a stand off with your boyfriend to take much notice.Ā
Soon, itās just the two of you.Ā
āControlling isnāt a good look for you,ā you finally say, spinning to rest your elbows on the bar once more and studying the bottles of liquor on the shelves beyond.Ā
āEvasive and avoidant isnāt particularly flattering, either. I was under the impression that you had no intention of coming after that phone call earlier.āĀ
You scoff again as your blood heats. Already the conversation is going worse than youād expectedāand your expectations were notĀ high.Ā
āDo you think the cab driver was a serial killer, too? Or maybe the bartender?ā
Heās still behind you and slightly to the sideābut he leans down, resting his own fists on the barĀ right next to you and speaking lowly, directly over your shoulder.Ā
āWhy donāt you try speaking to me like weāre adults instead of starting meaningless arguments in order to get under my skin?ā
From him, that hurts.Ā
Itās a branch on the tree of your greatest insecurityāthe fear that youāre too inexperienced with relationships and that makes you too immature and heās been lying every time he says itās not an issue. Because ofĀ courseĀ itās an issue. Itās why you fell in love with him, itās why you donāt know how to fix it, and itās why youāre incapable of actually expressingĀ any of your feelings to him.
āWhy do you think Iām here right now?ā you whisperāas sharp and stinging as a poison dart. āIāmĀ tryingĀ to be a fucking adult. I donāt want to be here.ā
Silence.Ā
āThen why did youĀ come?ā
His voice is so calm it burns like dry ice.Ā
āBecause!Ā Because you asked me to, becauseāā
You canāt bring yourself to say it aloud.Ā
Because Iām obviously still in love with you and I canāt just turn that off. I tried to do the right thing.Ā
Instead you bury your face in your hands and let it hang in the air, unspoken. You know he knows. You just donāt know why heās acting like youāre so unreasonable for being upset.Ā
āLet me make thisĀ veryĀ clear to you,ā Spencer murmurs, brushing your hair away from your ear so tenderly, speaking soĀ softlyĀ you could convince yourself that heāll say something kind. Itās the closest heās been in days and now that heās here you feel how much you missed him in your bones. And even though you sense a trap, you canāt help but sit up straighter. Youāll be complicit in your own undoing if it means you can have him close. His breath shakes slightly as he inhales and you brace as best you can. āNobody isĀ forcingĀ you to be here. You told me you werenāt coming and then you decided to show up. I was ready to give you the space that you were too scared to ask me for. But I can only take responsibility for so much of what is ultimatelyĀ yourĀ bad behavior andĀ yourĀ adolescent volatility. You can only blame so much of your bad behavior on inexperience before I run out of patience because I donāt find thoughtlessness and emotional immaturity compelling. I told you that if there is a disparity in the way we feel for each other, that wasĀ fine, and I meant it. But if you canāt cope with how I feel about you thenĀ donāt let me hold you back. I amĀ notĀ holding you hostage. You can leave whenever you want. So donāt waste your time punishing me because you donāt want to be here. And if you do want to be here, good. I want that too. But act like an adult andĀ make a decision. My leniency has limits, even for you. I am asking that you do notĀ push itĀ any further than you already have.ā
You donāt know how long itās been since your last breath by the time he finishes his address.
Long enough that youāre dizzy when you push away from the bar and shoulder through the throng of patrons as quickly as you reasonably can without outright running.Ā
Long enough that when you burst out the door into the biting-cold night air, and finally take a deep, gasping breath, it burns and stings and aches and so does your head and your eyes as they well with hot, furious, heartbroken tears.Ā
You speed-walk to the end of the block, hand clamped over your mouth to muffle your cries and all the curse words youād love to scream.Ā
Part of you knows you walked away from the bar in case he decided to try and follow youābut when you look over your shoulder the sidewalk is empty. You shouldāve known better than to think heād follow you after that. But at least it means you can have your breakdown by the relative safety of the bar, leaning your back against the dirty brick facade next to the entrance alcove and sliding down until your butt hits the cold concrete and you donāt even care.Ā
Who the fuck was that man in the bar who looked like Spencer and sounded like Spencer but spoke to you like this is all your fault, like itās your fault you love him and he doesnāt love you back, like itās ridiculous that youād be upset, like youāre cruel and petty for having feelings about it, about himāfor having any fucking feelings at all? And to think that was the man who you let know you more intimately than anyone ever has. Every insecurity youād ever admitted to him was hurled back in your face like it was nothing. Hellāhe even handed you the ones youād never mentioned. He proved every terrible thought youāve been having about yourself right.Ā
How could he be so unabashedlyĀ meanĀ to you?
Spencer doesnāt have to love you. It seems clearer now than ever that he doesnāt. But part of you wonders if he suffered some sort of traumatic brain injury because thatās the only explanation for why he could go from treating you how he did before to treating you like he doesnāt evenĀ likeĀ you.Ā
You feel like you might throw up.Ā
āCalled it,ā a rasping, grumbling voice says from a few feet away.Ā
You look up, and spotĀ fucking RandallĀ standing under a street light ten feet away, still smoking.Ā
You go back to studying the tar spots on the sidewalk through bleary eyes. Pebbles sting as they press into your palms.Ā Another one of the universeās terrible jokes,Ā you suppose. Just earlier youād thought that youād rather talk to Randall than Spencer and now here you are and hereĀ heĀ is.Ā
āThat kid as much of a dipshit punk as I thought he was?ā
HearingĀ SpencerĀ described as aĀ kidĀ and aĀ dipshit punkĀ is so jarring you almost stop crying.Ā
āHeās not aĀ dipshit,ā you sniff, voice thick with tears as you find yourself explaining Spencer Reid to this stranger for no reason at all. āHe has an IQ of 187. Heās a genius.ā
āAh,ā he scoffs dismissively, flicking ash from his cigarette. āDipshit-ism donāt discriminate. Anyone can be one. Even your genius punk boyfriend. As a recovering dipshit myself I know what the work of a fellow dipshit looks like. And this has dipshit writtenĀ all over it.ā
You sob harder.Ā
Randall speaks calmly around his cigarette.Ā
āYou know, Iām sorry for whatever you got goinā on. But Iāve never not been the asshole when I got a hysterical woman in front of me. Itās nice that I can confidently say this time it isĀ notĀ my fault.ā
The bar door opens, letting a warm burst of jovial music and chatter into the otherwise still night. Steps that are too heavy to be Spencerās hit the concrete next to youāyou look to your left and see Derek Morgan before he looks down and sees you.Ā
āHeyāyou okay out here?ā
āWhy donāt you go ask your Jehovahās Witness buddy?Ā HeĀ did this.ā
Derek makes a face, locating the source of this interjection.Ā
āSir, I asked you to leave her alone once and I donāt appreciate being made to repeat myself. Are we clear?ā
āYeah, whatever. Fuck me for makingĀ friendly conversation,Ā I guess.Ā Gonna have to call my wife and tell her to pick me upĀ down the street.Ā I donāt want her on the damn phone while sheās driving.ā
Randall wanders away again, still muttering to himself and smoking. Derek watches him go, staring daggers into his back until he turns his gaze to you.Ā
Goodbye, Randall,Ā you think.Ā Great. Now I have neither of them.Ā
āHey,ā he softens, crouching down to your level. āYou okay?ā
You sniff, wiping your cheeks and attempting not to smudge your makeup. Itās impossible not to feel awkwardāyou just met this guy and now heās here trying to do emotional labor for you on his birthday.Ā
āYeah, Iām fine. This is embarrassing.ā
āYou donāt look fine. Can I do anything for you? Do you want some food? A drink?ā
āYou really donāt have toāā
āI know, I know. But lookāReid isĀ alwaysĀ talking about you. Youāre important to him, and heās important to me. Iāve never seen him this happy and Iāve known that kid a long time. It is inĀ myĀ best interest thatĀ someoneĀ maintain you, and if itās not him, itāll be me. Call it a favor to him, if that makes you feel better.ā Derek is sporting a slightly more modest Cheshire grin again by the end of his sentence. Listening to him speak that way about Spencer speaking about you, itās impossible not to feel a teeny bit lighter. Even if youāre not entirely sure where you stand on all thingsĀ SpencerĀ related at the moment. āSo Iāll ask you again. Is thereĀ anythingĀ I can do for you?ā
You sniff again.Ā
āSure. A ginger ale or something might be good.ā
āGot it. Iāll be back. And come inside ifĀ RandallĀ tries to run up on you again, okay?ā
Despite yourself you manage a laugh at the way he says the name. His warm smile flickers warmer at this.Ā Ā
āWill do.ā
When Derek returns a few minutes later, the plastic cup heās holding looks decidedlyĀ notĀ like ginger ale.Ā
āPenelope insisted that this is what you would want. I donāt even know.ā
You smile slightly as you take the cup, full to the brim with bubbles and thick red syrup. A cherry bobs underneath the layer of cubed ice.Ā
āShirley temple,ā you chuckle. āIāll take it. Thank you.ā
āYouāre very welcome,ā he says, flashing that brilliant smile again, and you look into your cup as you drink. Maybe your face warms just a bit. Youāre still shy around men, you realize. Especially attractive ones. And Derek MorganĀ definitelyĀ qualifies as attractive.Ā
āSo,ā he begins, and to your surprise, crouches down in front of you. āI have to be honestāI came out here in the first place because Reid sent me to check on you. But now Iām wondering what the hellĀ he did.ā
Spencer sent him.Ā A considerate action that would theoretically signal hisĀ careĀ for yourĀ feelings. You take another sip, staring into space and trying to digest this information, but it only jumbles with the rest to confuse you more.Ā
Of course, you donāt know how to convey this to Derek in a way thatās not overly-familiar for just having met the man, so you go with an old standby.Ā
āIām probably just overreacting.ā
āUh-huh. I have sisters. I know what an overreaction looks like and if you were overreacting you wouldnāt be out here hiding. Whatād he do?ā
You can only keep up the facade of emotional stability for so long. Your chin wobbles in a horribly embarrassing way and you look down again.Ā
āIām not sureāIām not sure if he really did anything or if Iām just being dramatic and I donāt want to make him seemāā
āWhy donāt you stop defending him and just tell me what he did?ā Derek urges. āTrust meāI love that kid to death. But I also know he can be a dick sometimes. You donāt need to worry aboutĀ making him look badĀ in front of me.ā
Part of you is glad Spencer has such a good friend on his side. And Derek is rightāSpencer is an adult. You donāt need to worry about besmirching his reputation. So you take a shuddering sigh, staring into the red of your drink.Ā
āHe just doesnāt like me as much as I like him. Which isnāt his fault, like I said, butāheās beingĀ suchĀ anĀ asshole about it.ā
Derek pulls a face, strong eyebrows making an impression as they knit.Ā Ā
āDid heĀ tellĀ you that?ā
āOver the phone,ā you nod emphatically. āAnd just now he gave me this whole fuckingĀ speechĀ about how immature and horrible I am for not being 100% happy about it. And maybe heās partially right, I meanāI know people feel things differently and maybe he just was asking for more time. I worry I fucked it up so bad because I couldnāt handle thatābut at the same time he didnātĀ sayĀ he wanted more time. He wasĀ reallyĀ fucking unclear and vague about what he wanted, and he asked me to come to this bar like it was nothing when Iāve been worried he was going to break up with me all week. So yeah, I guess heās right and I have been a bitch about it because I was upset that he didnātā¦ like me as much. And I wanted him to feel bad because I was so embarrassed, and I also didnāt want to act like everything was normal if he was just going toĀ dumpĀ me, Iā¦ā you realize youāve beenĀ hardcoreĀ rambling and your face heats. āI donāt know.ā
Thereās a pause, and you worry youāve done exactly the thing you didnāt want to, which was overshare to this man who seems like heāsĀ significantlyĀ more normal and well-adjusted than you. You drink deeply, swallowing sugar and the rest of your words.Ā
āThatāsā¦Ā bizarre. I donāt mean to invalidate your feelings, butā¦ that just doesnāt make any sense.ā
āYeah,ā you scoff, projecting annoyance so you wonāt start crying again. āI was confused too. I thought he really liked me.ā
āNo, sweetheart, Iām sayingāthat doesnāt make sense because heĀ doesĀ really like you.Ā Really, reallyĀ likes you, more than Iāve ever seen him like someone before. I mean, last week I finally finished that Tesla biography heās been on my ass about for months and when I told him, all he wanted to do was talk aboutĀ yourĀ thoughts on it. And then it wasnāt even about the book anymore. I have never,Ā everĀ seen Reid pass up an opportunity to talk about Nikola Tesla. Iām talkingĀ never in my life. He finds a way to makeĀ everyĀ conversation about you. I canāt even follow the connections sometimes but he always finds a way.ā
Your nose wrinkles.Ā
āSorry youāve had to hear so much about me,ā you mumble. Though youāre not really sorry. It feels good. A twinge of joy in all the murk.Ā
āIām not. Like I said, Iāve known Spencer for a long time and Iāve never seen him this happy. Iām not about to let him fuck it up.ā
āIf I make him so happy then why did he tell me we donātĀ feel the same?ā you whisper, reaching into the puddle of syrup and ice at the bottom of your now empty cup.Ā
āIs that exactly what he said?ā Derek asks, after a long pause. You bite the maraschino cherry off the stem and nod morosely, grinding a long-gone strangerās cigarette butt with your boot just to crush something. Thereās another beat of silence. āAlright. You know what I think?ā
You raise your head to meet his gaze, your own wide-eyed and expectant.Ā
āI think you two need to have an honest conversation. Youāre both confused and hurtingāI promise Spencer is feeling it too. If you talk to him he wonāt be unkind to you.ā
āHe already was,ā you admit.Ā
āI apologize if Iām out of line here, but you just told me youāve been icing him out all week because you want him to feel bad. Iām willing to bet you donāt realize how sharp these claws are.ā Derek grabs your hand as he says it and you marvel at how much he is theĀ oppositeĀ of you. Everything he does and says seems so natural and reasonable and charming even if it would piss you off from anyone elseāand you justĀ metĀ the guy. You can see why Spencer and Penelope speak so highly of him. āI think youāve probably both had your moments these past few days. But that doesnāt mean neither of you deserve any more chances.ā
He puts your hand back on your knee and pats it.Ā
āBesides, Spencerās not good at mean. I bet heās inside worrying himself sick over whatever dumb shit he said to you. Heās probably hyperventilating as we speak.ā
āItĀ wasĀ really out of character for him,ā you concede.Ā
āYeah. Heāll be apologizing for a long while. It will get annoying. But he sure as hell wonāt be doing it again, I can tell you that much. If he does, let me know. Emily and I will whoop his ass and call it a fitness evaluation.ā
āI think thatāll be unnecessary,ā you laugh thickly, pulling your sleeve over your hand and wiping away the few tears that havenāt quite dried. āBut thank you.ā
āAnytime. Now, itāsĀ myĀ birthday, and as a grown man I shouldĀ notĀ be getting involved in someone elseās relationship drama. I was supposed to be on the dance floor aĀ whileĀ ago.ā His tone is so warm and sugary by the time he finishes it could rot his perfect grin. Itās futile to hide the way your mouth twists into a reluctant smile as you look down and fix your hairāpraying he canāt tell how fazed you are by his kindness. āYouāre going to talk to him, right?ā
āIāllāyeah. Right,ā you say quietly. But the sinking feeling in your stomach knows itās a thing easier said than done.Ā
āGood,ā Derek grunts, taking your empty cup before pushing himself back up to his feet and offering you a hand. āDo you want me to send him out here or do you want to come find him inside?ā
You balk.
āLikeāright now? I have to talk to himĀ now?ā
Before he can give you an answer you think youād rather not have, the bar door is opening. From your spot you canāt see who it is right away, but Derek turns over his shoulder and does a double take before looking back at you.Ā
Spencer steps out onto the sidewalk, eyes scanning for until he realizes youāre a few feet shorter than usual. Sitting on a filthy public walkway is probably his worst nightmare, you realize, as you scramble to your feet and dust the crumbs of concrete from your palms against the back of your cold jeans. He begins to say your name, and it sounds like relief and regret, but you stop him.Ā
āI have to go wash my hands.ā
Itās monotonous and mumbled and comes out too quickly but you donāt have time to worry about that as you brush past both of the men on your way back into the bar, making an immediate beeline for the bathroom.Ā
Your face burns with anxiety as you shut the door behind you, immediately drowning in the yellowish lighting which is so harsh but seems to illuminate almost nothing.Ā Who paints a bathroom red?Ā Itās suffocating. You feel like youāre inside an aorta.Ā
Water runs cool over your hands as you sniffle, rinsing the bits of dirt from red indents made by pebbles and things, and the soap is too floral and powdery but you wash twice anyway. Maybe youāll just stay in here and wash your hands forever.Ā
Thereās a light knock on the shiny wooden door and it makes you jump. Your name is muffled from the other side.Ā
āYou in there?āĀ
Quickly you wipe under your reddened eyes in the mirror, trying to fix the slightly smudged makeup.Ā
The door opens when you donāt respond, and thereās Spencer, looking weary and tense all at once.Ā Is that your fault?
āHey,ā you sniff, trying to effect casualness, but it comes out too quickly and your posture is too stiff. Under his all-seeing gaze you cross and uncross your arms, look at him and look away. Your hands end up in your pockets. Heād say crossed arms are a sign of self-soothing.Ā
āHey.ā His is more measured, and of course makes you feel embarrassed in comparison. The door swings shut behind him as he enters the small room and makes it feel that much smaller. āAre youā¦ hiding from me in here?ā
Yes.Ā
The graffitied toilet stalls to your left suddenly look fascinating.Ā
āNope. Just washing my hands.ā
This is not what Derek told you to do,Ā you scold yourself internally.Ā Stop being so scared. Be honest with him.Ā
Silence rings. All the brutally honest things youād like to say choke you until your throat hurts and your eyes get hot. Yet again you feel like a stupid little girl whoās too emotional to communicate.Ā
You cross your arms. Itās an indulgence you feel youāre owed.Ā
Spencer says your name again and itās too much. He never says it this often. When he does it feels good but now itās too formal, makes you too aware of your own inadequacy, and how he must be seeing youāa wraith of a girl in a dingy bar bathroom with clammy hands and smudged eyeliner, practically shaking with fear under an unforgiving light. Someone who is too scared andĀ muchĀ too sensitive.Ā
Spencer attempts to speak again.Ā
āWhat I said before, it wasāā
āCan you just take me home?āĀ
It comes out on one exhalation and seems to stall him with all the effectiveness of a slap to the face.Ā
You donāt know where it comes from, either.Ā
Easier said than done, youād thought a few moments ago. All the bravery Derek had tried to instill in you is gone, swallowed down the drain like soap scum. And now youāre choosing to let your fear winābecause at leastĀ thatāsĀ a known quantity. The fear will never reject you. It will always be waiting with open arms.Ā
Too scared.Ā
The end feels imminent. You try to press yourself back together, fingernails biting into palms, trying to make something feel more tangible than the terrible knowingness that youāre careening toward an end which was supposed to be a beginning. Itās stifling and you wonder if Spencer is breathing it too.Ā
You canāt look at his face, but you watch him pocket his hands in his pants and there is so much impossible space between you in such a tiny room.Ā
āYeah. I can.ā
Something breaks. Itās small, and without fanfare. But it feels final.Ā
Itās just a ride home.Ā Just a ride home.Ā
Thatās all you have left, and you donāt know how you know it but you do.Ā
Something so important is being left in this stupid, dingy bathroom. Something that was at one point beautiful and shiny and so arrogant in its newness that it seemed it would never become ugly. And now youāre abandoning it without dignity on the chipped tile floor and in the cobwebs on the walls. It was bigger than you, itĀ wasĀ youāand now itās going to be nothing.Ā
A vehicle honks on the street. A boisterous group laugh explodes somewhere beyond the door. Water drips from a faucet.Ā
āIāllā¦ Iāll bring my car around.ā
āOkay.ā
But he just stands there for another moment. Like he canāt get himself to move.Ā
If only time would freeze before he could walk away.Ā
But it doesnāt.Ā
He sucks in a decisive breath.Ā
āOkay,ā he murmurs.Ā
Itās that fucking phone call all over again.Ā
Then he spins on his heels and leaves you there.
Your time is up.Ā
-
part 5.5
#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fic#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid x self insert#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid smut#spencer reid angst#spencer reid fluff#criminal minds fanfic#criminal minds fandom#criminal minds#criminal minds fic#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds imagine
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do you have any fic recs?
yes!! so many!! please check the tags for each!
all time favorites:
way down we go: an absolute classic. werewolf harry, chronically ill utterly miserable draco, post-war in small town america. enemies to lovers slowburn with protective harry and hopelessly gay draco.
in hopes that you may drown: SO much of my art is based on this author's harry and draco. such a lovely fic. post-war, draco raising delphi and absolutely perfecting the stressed yoga mom vibe. harry is instantly smitten.
in our blood: about haunted houses, parenthood and growing to care for each other. I love this one.
you'll still find stone: arranged marriage. draco expects the worst and harry is an absolute sweetheart. angst but so heartwarming. (mind the tags!!)
ANYTHING by corvetteclaire! their blood link and in the mirror series are severely underrated and genuinely took my breath away. some of my favorite writing and plots.
inside grey eyes: so so beautiful. quite dark and yet exceptionally hopeful. all about draco's recovery from a nightmare situation and harry's unending support. (mind the tags!!)
anything by tessa crowley!! an absolute gem in the fandom with an impressive variety of works.
the mirror of ecidyrue series: perfection.
in your arms, rests my world: āYou make me feel safe, Potter. You keep me safe.ā yeah..yeah. (mind the tags!!)
anything by toxik_angel tbh..one of my favorites is infairitance even though itās incomplete; fairy draco is a game changer
oxytocin: angst, angst, angst, and so much cuddling. slowburn in the best way possible.
Soup-pocalypse and The Great Curry Cataclysm: i read this some time ago but i remember adoring it.
Diffraction Patterns (I Don't Know How to Forget You): another incredible old read .
everything by beloved @rockingrobin69 !! this is one my favorites ever i never stop thinking about it
fluff/humor:
manlet: PLEASE read this one! so so cute and adorable and hilarious ft sweet giant harry and tiny angry draco and wickedly funny narcissa. will definitely open your eyes to small draco.
screw you: extremely funny and extremely hot.
like a star across my sky: SUCH a good fic! feels like a romcom.
title of their sex tape: as funny as it sounds.
flirt: really sweet. disaster flirty draco and awkward yet charmed harry.
married to a brute (ongoing): genius and hilarious
smut:
it beats me black and blue: absolute perfection. no notes.
let me roll it: so delicious. clueless mess draco and grumpy harry who hates everyone except draco.
his little something: size difference excellence
scenes of surrender: a combination of smut, love, recovery and caretaking
a perfect fit: hung harry and size queen draco
come up for air: veela draco
fawning for you: harry is completely obsessed with draco's videos. very cute, muggle setting.
burning the ground: creature fic
ongoing/other faves:
one elephant at a time (ongoing): i recommend this fic to EVERYONE. genuinely incredible. think yellow wallpaper, jane eyre, crush by richard siken, and the author mentions being inspired by my dark vanessa as well. so essentially a modern romance with a dark gothic backstory. every single sentence in this fic stands out to me. every characterization, every conversation, is just so honest and genuine. also!! draco has a cat called lady di!! and he loves to wear earrings! (mind the tags!!)
within the hollow crown: more of pre-drarry tbh. such an interesting plot!! harry grudgingly cares for an increasingly spiraling draco who is except under close and constant watch by the dark lord-every second of his sixth year. currently has an ongoing sequel.
imperfection (ongoing): another fic by robin! and another of my all time favorites, so so lovingly written and so tragic and lovely and heartbreaking. really digs into draco's psych and his manic mindset and constant spiral BUT there is light at the end of the tunnel and so much love surrounding him even though it's hard for him to see it. (mind the tags!!)
saviour series (ongoing): wouldn't necessarily call this drarry? more of a stockholm syndrome gothic novel type of fic but i recommend it all the same. the writing is truly extraordinary and the pacing is incredible. will leave you breathless. part one is complete. (mind the tags!!)
perspective series (ongoing): the original books with alpha harry, omega draco in gryffindor, and an adorable friendship dynamic between the golden trio and draco. really sweet, and super interesting. no romance as of yet but there are little moments.
tales of the potters: very interesting take on the arranged marriage trope! i recommend all of this author's works; they have a gorgeous way with words and their work really brings harry and draco to life.
the veiled boy (ongoing): one of the most intriguing recent fics i've read. really delves into character dynamics in such a realistic and refreshing way and draco is so endearing in it. every chapter has gorgeous illustrations.
never in extremity: reread this one recently. equal parts heartbreaking and heartwarming. (mind the tags!!)
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I Want You to Stay (08) | JJK
Pairing:Ā Jungkook x (f.) Reader
Genre/Tags:Ā boss!JK x assistant!reader; idiot strangers to lovers; slowĀ slowĀ burn; k-drama feels; angst, drama, fluff, smut
ChapterĀ (Series)Ā Warnings:Ā foul/explicit language;Ā alcohol consumptionĀ & passing out,Ā unhealthy coping mechanisms; family drama; minor injuries;Ā power dynamicsĀ (JK starts off as a jerk); work-related anxiety, feelings of helplessness, insecurities; childhood traumatic experiences, nightmares; sexual harassment, attempted assault; use of the term slut in a derogatory way, prior incidence of domestic violence (PLS PLS BE CAREFUL WHEN READING);Ā arts and business/property devt talk thatās probably inaccurate;Ā commitment issues & emotionally constipated characters;Ā cold and detached JK; eventual explicit sexual contentĀ (specific warnings stated per chapter)Ā (18+)
Chapter Word count:Ā 17.4k
Series Masterlist
Status:Ā Ongoing
Series summary:Ā Working for Jungkook isnāt the same as working for Hoseok. For starters, Jungkook doesnāt smile, he doesnāt appreciate you, and he gives youĀ tooĀ much work. It doesnāt help that heās incredibly handsome and has women at his beck and call. But as the tension grows, it becomes impossible to resist him. Youāve dedicated yourself to your job for 8 years so when you finally decide to put yourself first, he asks you to reconsider.Ā And while you know that leaving is difficult, you learn that when it comes to Jungkook, staying is always so much harder.
PlaylistĀ š¶:Ā on the way home
A/N:Ā Hiii thank you again for all your love and appreciation for this story. Srsly, I'm perpetually blown away š„° But like I've mentioned, updates will take longer after this as I return to uni, so I hope for your patience as we get closer to the end.
This chapter also contains triggering topics such as sexual harassment and attempted assault. There's a discussion on what happens after something traumatizing like that, so pls be cautious and know that what's depicted here is just another way of dealing with such experience.
On another note, I hope you enjoy this!
And as always, my biggest thanks toĀ @wonwoonlightĀ š„°
PS. If I canāt tag you, pls fix your settings!
The end-of-autumn chilly air pierces through your skin, lingering even as you settle inside the plant store that gives the warmth that you need. You sigh in relief, and Soomin and Jimin giggle at you because they know how you are. Itās why during moments like this, their affection shows, hugging you from each side as you look up at the shelf for another rubber tree you want to add to your collection.
āWhat are you two on about?ā You ask, nonchalantly releasing your arm to get your chosen glossy plant.Ā
āNothing, just showing our love,ā Soomin says, resting her chin on your shoulder. āWe know you love the cold even if you easily get cold. You donāt like hugs either but you canāt do anything about us.ā
āItās true that I canāt do anything about the both of you,ā you hum. āBut you also know itās not that I donāt like hugs. Itās just not my preferred form of affection.ā
āEven after all the years that weāve been giving it to you?ā Jimin asks, as he pulls away from you to place the plant in your cart.
āYeah. I mean, if I only give or receive it every few weeks, then it wouldnāt be,ā you respond. āBut I also wouldnāt really know. Other than you guys, thereās not much affection I feel towards other people.ā
Itās a reality youāve long accepted. Youāre away from your family and friends, and the only other form of affection you receive is through sex with the few men youāve been interested in - pleasurable at best, shallow at worst. Perhaps itās the reason why you do, you think now. Theyāre still good substitutes. Being alone doesnāt feel so lonely when youāre intimate with people you donāt exactly share moments of intimacy with. Youāve learned these last few years that thereās a difference.Ā
Your friends just hum in agreement, choosing now to point out that your home is transforming into some zen garden with the amount of plants youāve bought just this last month.Ā
āShould I just be a gardener or a plant store worker?ā You look at them. āOr study to become a landscape designer?ā
āHoney, tending to low-maintenance plants is a different thing,ā Soomin chuckles. āThatās a start, though. But kidding aside, so a career change is what youāre going for?ā
āHmm, just a thought,ā you shrug. āWhat if moving companies isnāt just what I need? What if itās doing something completely different? Like being out of an office or answering to someone or something?ā
āThatās true. Sometimes we find what weāre looking for in unfamiliar environments,ā Jimin chimes in. āAre you thinking about doing it soon?ā
āMaybe not,ā you say. āIāve become quite invested in the Arts Center and I really wanna see it through. Maybe after itās opened, then thatās when Iāll finally step away.ā
āWell, you have been doing a lot of work for it,ā Soomin agrees. āButā¦ are you sure itās the only thing holding you back? And not someone specific? A boss, maybe?ā
āThe Arts Center isnāt holding me back, Soo. And neither is Jungkook,ā you state. āAfter all the years I spent in the company, I donāt wanna let anything or anyone keep me from doing whatās best for me. I donātā¦ I donāt wanna get stuck there. I donāt wanna keep feeling indebted. Thatās whatās held me back this whole time.ā
āOh, hun,ā Soomin sighs. āYou donāt owe anyone anything. And if you did, youāve paid your dues, all eight years of them.ā
As Jimin heads out to get his car, she entangles her arm around yours and asks again if your decision to wait to resign has something to do with Jungkook.
āWhy are you so insistent?ā You frown at her.Ā
āJustā¦ wondering. You havenāt expressed disdain for him in so long. Even the weekly ugh work drives me nuts messages have stopped, and that says a lot. I was just thinking that maybe heās gone soft on you, and that youāve gone soft on him, too. I just wanna make sure Iām ready when you drop the bomb on us or something. I mean, you two have so much tension, who knows whatāll happen?ā
āOkay, what if Iāve just developed better coping mechanisms now and can manage without complaining about it? Thatās a possibility. And, even if Iāve been busy with organizing events and stuff, I actually enjoy that,ā you explain.Ā
āOkay. So what about Jungkook?ā
You look away, knowing that any acknowledgment of the comfort youāve started to feel around him may start to mean something else once you say it. Admitting even the tiniest bit of attraction is even more of a no-no, so you just play it off, the same way you did when you got home from the gala and you dodged all questions about him, choosing instead to talk about the delicious food and the weird people you met.Ā
āWeāve found a way to move on from how we started and learned that we actually work really well together. We have to be professional and all that.ā
Right, you scoff to yourself. Thinking about your bossā smile as you fall asleep is anything but professional.
āFine, whatever you say,ā she gives in as the car comes into view. āJust know that Iām here, okay? Jiminās a bit protective and still hasnāt gotten over how that man treated you so you can talk to me in case anything else changes.āĀ
āI will,ā you say, giving her hand a squeeze.Ā
You spend the rest of that weekend watching movies and singing your hearts out at a karaoke and stuffing your faces with good food. Before you know it, youāre back in your bed on a Sunday, all alone, but you donāt feel so lonely, nor do you feel so terrible at having to start another week. If anything, youāre wondering how Jungkook spent these last two days. At a club, maybe. He did say thereās always a party heās invited to.Ā
You stop yourself from thinking of what happens after that. Heās got women at his beck and call after all, even when heās in Singapore, as Lucas had told you during your call two months ago. But it doesnāt really matter - Jungkook is Jungkook and youāre you. And thatās not yet even considering the glaring reality of him being your boss.Ā
Ever since the gala, you can say that thereās been a change in how youāve been with him. Thereās a lot more attention, youād say. Thereās more admiration, too, when it comes to him doing his work, making decisions, and drawing up plans and designs.Ā
You understand the distance and the detachment somehow. You suppose that whatever he experienced made him that way, so youād make an effort into making him smile, teasing him a little more than usual so thereās a bit more joy in his day. You can say heās gotten used to it. Even Mr. Ri would laugh and join in.Ā
And thatās the thing - you anticipate it. You look forward to the curl of his lips and the dip on his lower cheek and the softness in his eyes and the way he turns away or bows his head to hide it. Even the way heād play it off is quite endearing, a term you never thought youād use to describe him. It makes you wonder if people had tried to get to know him, maybe knock on the door and wait around to see if heād come out and let them in.Ā
But all that has brought you to right now - Sunday night as you think about seeing him the next morning. You think back to all the times that youād entered his penthouse and saw him in his gym attire post-workout, the seconds youād spent so close to him as you adjusted his necktie, and the breakfasts and car rides youād shared. You recall the nods of acknowledgement after serving him his coffee, the times heād agreed with your recommendations, and the instances heād turned to you for support and his look of thanks after youāve given it.Ā
Then thereās the grazing of your fingertips, the brushing of arms, the interlocking of eyes.
And your heart, beating a little too fast then.
You groan to yourself. You really have to find a way for this to stop.
You try to keep your distance from Jungkook for the next few days.Ā
You do your usual - fix his outfit, eat with him the breakfast you prepared, go through schedules, and join him in meetings. You do away with the eye contact, you skip the teasing, and you donāt share about your evening like youāve been doing. And thatās only because doing so just gives you moments to remember, like his gazes lingering or the sound of his laughter. Even more, it messes with your mind thinking that just like you, he spends most of his weeknights alone.Ā
You act unbothered, although him catching you looking at him from your office seat and then you, quickly looking away doesnāt really help your case.Ā
Itās on Wednesday when he passes by your desk to put back some files and you return to your task after giving him a small smile when he asks if youāre okay.
āYes, Mr. Jeon. Just a little tired but arenāt we all?ā You respond, your eyes flitting from him to your desktop screen.Ā
āYes, but most of us take breaks. You donāt,ā he counters.
āNeither do you,ā you turn to him with an arched brow.Ā
Itās become a habit of yours to remind him to rest but just like you, heās pretty stubborn.Ā
āAh, there you are,ā he chuckles. āI was almost convinced youāre not really my assistant if you didnāt point that out but alas, itās you.ā
āAre you testing me, sir?ā You frown at him.Ā
A mistake, really, since he gives you that teasing smirk of his that youāre learning is your weakness.Ā
āMaybe,ā he shrugs. āYou just havenāt seemed like yourself all week and I just wanted to make sure that youāre okay. You can take a leave tomorrow, if thatās what you need.ā
āItās okay, sir. And Iām fine,ā you assure him, realizing that thereās not much that could keep you away from him. āPlus, we have that dinner with the media festival organizers tomorrow evening and itās the only time theyāre free.ā
āI know,ā he sighs. āAs long as youāre sure. Itās selfish but I do need you there.ā
Of course he does, you think to yourself. Youāre there to make his life easier, after all. Itās the only reason why heād ever need you or want you around.Ā
You confirm that youāll go to work tomorrow and sigh in relief when he doesnāt say anything more. You decide to go home, wanting to get to the weekend so you can find some distraction, in whatever way that may be.Ā
Thursday comes and you spend your day divided between working with the support team for the upcoming VP events and coordinating with the Arts Center marketing team for the deliverables they need signed off.Ā
Itās busy enough that you donāt see much of Jungkook but that only really lasts until you have to accompany him to that welcome dinner with the organizers of the international media festival that Jungkook wanted to collaborate with for the Arts Center promotions. Itās happening in August of next year and while the partnership has been established,Ā he wants to work on his relationship with them so that the plans could firm up quickly.Ā
You head to Jungkookās restaurant of choice in Itaewon, a fancy place that serves Korean dishes in a modern, artistic way. Youāve heard about it before; the food looks like something you could put at an art gallery. Koreaās exceptional ability to merge traditional and modern elements is reflected in this restaurantās menu. Itās why he wanted to bring them here, he tells you.Ā
You settle in your seat, excited for the dishes that are about to come out, and thatās when you see him, the man you dated before Hajoon, and someone you havenāt heard from in a while. Of course, that wasnāt always the case. He continued to reach out months after you ended things with him. It seemed harmless then, and it was only two years ago when he finally stopped.Ā
Chi-won recognizes you first, having come in to serve the first set of dishes. He stares as he sets the plate in front of you, his gaze lingering even as he moves on to one of the organizers to your right. He looks different, which is why it took you another look for his face to register. Heās lost weight and cut his hair; his features look somehow harder, too.Ā
Thereās an intensity in his eyes that youāve never seen before. He was pretty laid-back, a reason why you both clicked that first time. Heād have his moments of frustration, letting them out in his own ways like in the bedroom, but he always seemed to get over them quickly.
Things were always casual and you made sure he knew that. He didnāt seem to mind at first but he started to want more and with your new role with Hoseok then, you were always tired and busy. The nights with Chi-won stopped being your relief, and when you told him you couldnāt see him anymore, he seemed to accept it. The messages shortly after were just about asking how you were doing and after answering twice, you stopped replying and then changed your number. You havenāt heard from him since, and you assumed heād just accepted things and moved on.
But tonight you feel the tension, and so when he stands close to you when he serves the succeeding plates and when he waits around your table to watch you eat, you start to feel uncomfortable.Ā
You try to be present in the conversation happening around you, as the organizers seem to be enjoying the meal while also pitching in some ideas for the launch. You try to focus on Jungkookās voice this time to distract you. But the pair of eyes that seems to watch your every move starts to become too much, and the anxiety builds as each second ticks by.
Itās while you wait for the dessert when you take the opportunity to step out. Jungkook mentions the invitation drafts so you say that theyāre saved in your iPad that youāll retrieve from the car parked on the other street. He agrees that it would be good to show them, so you excuse yourself and get some much needed fresh air, feeling like a weight has been lifted off your shoulder just by not being in the same space as Chi-won.Ā
That is, until you hear a familiar voice call your name.Ā
You stiffen for only a moment then continue to walk, fumbling for your phone as you try to dial Mr. Riās number. But you donāt get to, as the man following you pulls your wrist to get you to face him. You jerk in response, dropping your phone on the ground, and the fear fills you immediately.
āDonāt touch me,ā you seeth, cradling your arm as you pick up your phone.Ā
You try to stay calm, even as his smug face gives you chills, and you try to remember the man who liked to laugh and joke around those years ago, seeing now that heās nothing like him.
āFunny you say that when thatās all you wanted me to do before,ā he mocks, inching closer to you. āI know you remember, ___. Those nights were amazing, werenāt they? Your body and your moans told me so, so I donāt know why you wanted them to stop.ā
You want to stay silent and not give him anything, but thereās desperation in his eyes, and youāre afraid of what heāll do if you donāt even acknowledge him, so you give the same explanation you did before.
āI told you. I didnāt want anything serious,ā you say, making sure you keep your distance from him.Ā
āThatās not what youād say whenever youāre drunk,ā he counters. āYouād go on about not wanting to be alone, about wanting to be taken care of and being with someone who made you feel loved.ā
āI never said I wanted it to be you,ā you respond, too quickly for his liking it seems, as you see his look turn into anger.Ā
āSo what was I for?ā He demands. āJust the guy you fucked for the sake of it?ā
āI was stressed with work and you hated yours,ā you remind him. āThatās all we needed each other for.ā
āBut things changed for me,ā he says, his voice softening again, the fluctuation of his tone scaring you even more. āI wanted to be with you. And seeing you now, I know I still do.ā
āBut I donāt,ā you state. āI didnāt then and I donāt even now.ā
āBut you wanted that restaurant owner, didnāt you?ā He demands, worrying you that he knows about Hajoon.Ā
āNo, that didnāt mean anything. We were never together.ā
āBullshit, ___. Iād see you at the clubs around here with his arm on your waist, just like I used to do. That clearly meant something.ā
The thought that Chi-won kept tabs on you even after you ended things makes you angry. Perhaps itās because he works around the area you frequented during those times but even then, the fact that he even knows what Hajoon does for a living is crossing the line, and in your frustration, you hit Chi-won where it hurts the most.
āClearly it didnāt mean enough because Iām not seeing him anymore. And I was never serious with him, just like I wasnāt with you.ā
He visibly groans. He walks closer to you again, prompting you to walk backwards. With you turned back and walking on your heels on the uneven pavement, youāre worried youāll hurt yourself. Even more, a part of you is scared that heāll hurt you. Itās still early on a Thursday night and youāre in the quieter part of town so there arenāt many people walking on the streets; those who are are too far for you to catch their attention. So you continue your steps until youāre backed up against the wall and with nowhere to go, you start to panic, feeling the fear slowly overtake you.Ā
āYou know, I came out here because I wanted to talk to you just to see how you were doing since you know, I actually cared about you like you wanted,ā he rolls his eyes. āBut seeing you act like none of what we shared mattered just makes me so angry. Why do you get to go on and treat me like shit? Iām just gonna have to do the same, then.ā
At this, he cages you, his face too close to yours that you freeze in fear. The smirk makes you nauseous, but somehow you find the strength to push him away but he comes back right after, closer each time.
āI said, donāt touch me!ā You yell, giving him another shove. āJust stay away from me!ā
Chi-won grabs your wrist once more, holding you tightly so he can show you that he has control and that he can do whatever he wants.
āLet me go!ā You plead, but he doesnāt budge.Ā
āI donāt want to, not when I get to have you all alone after so long,ā he hums, licking his lips and dragging his eyes all over your body. āI always liked it when you came over wearing that skirt of yours.ā
You know this is what he wants. He wants you to be scared, he wants to haunt your dreams and not make you forget him because he knows that you obviously already had. Youāre terrified but you try to gather whatever courage you have within you to fight back.
But itās then that you hear footsteps, and a shadow appears behind Chi-won.
āShe said to let her go.ā
Jungkookās voice is hard, tense, angry. But thereās control, and you can tell that heās trying to hold himself back. He comes into view, the mix of worry and anger on his face helping to relieve your fear.Ā
But it doesnāt affect Chi-won, as he continues to hold onto your wrist. Your strained face lets Jungkook know that youāre still in the manās hold, prompting him to walk closer and repeat his words.
āI said to let her go,ā he demands. āDo it. Because we both know there are so many things I can do to you and smashing your face is just one of them.ā
Jungkook rolls up his sleeves and clenches his fists. He doesnāt think itās enough to scare the man whoās holding you hostage but he thinks itās enough to show that heās indeed willing to throw a punch if he has to. Heād pull the man away but he doesnāt want you to get hurt. Heād beat the daylights out of this asshole but he doesnāt want you to witness that. Youāre terrified already as it is; anything more might just break you further.Ā
So Jungkook keeps his gaze on the man, hoping the threat would work somehow.
It does, as the man lets you go then raises his arms mockingly, as if to surrender. You step away immediately, finding your way towards Jungkook. Chi-won looks at the man next to you from head-to-toe, his attempt at intimidation.Ā
āThe boss, I assume?ā Chi-won scoffs. āThatās cheap, even for you.ā
āDonāt fucking talk to her like that,ā Jungkook fumes, trying his hardest to keep himself together and not make this worse.Ā
āWomen who are that lonely and that desperate for sex would do anything and use anyone to get what they want and feel better about themselves,ā Chi-won shrugs. āIām just saying Iām not surprised.ā
The insult is unfounded. You know at this point, heās just trying to say anything to provoke Jungkook and put you down in the process. Somehow youāve learned how to deal with men like this.
āYeah, I was so desperate that I ended up settling for a low-life like you,ā you scoff, hoping the brave facade holds up. āYou werenāt even that good. I could only fake it for so long.ā
And this is what does it for him, as Chi-wonās face distorts in anger, and while you know your words provoked him, you wanted to show that you could regain your control, and heās the one who now breaks because of it.
āFucking slut,ā he yells, charging towards you.
But Jungkook charges back, pushing Chi-won towards the wall and making sure he stays there. The anger on Jungkookās face is unlike anything youāve ever seen before, yet despite this side of him that youāre now witnessing, you canāt help but feel emotional at his presence. If it wasnāt for him, you donāt know what wouldāve happened; you donāt know where youād pull the strength to stand up for yourself.
āYou say anything else and I swear, getting fired is gonna be the least of your worries,ā Jungkook huffs. āBecause this boss knows your manager. This boss knows the police chief at the station not far away. You hurt her and youāre gonna pay for this. Iām gonna make sure of it.ā
Chi-won slowly realizes that those arenāt empty words, as he visibly starts to look worried. Thereās not much he can do now. You doubt he can overpower Jungkook despite his size. You also know Chi-won doesnāt have much, and losing his job could make him lose everything. And that scares you, too.
āJungkook, itās okay. Just let him go,ā you plead, tugging his arm to pull him away. You know how much worse it could get if anything else happens. You know that Jungkook is very much capable of inflicting physical pain, and you donāt want blood on his hands because of you. āLetās just go back inside.ā
Jungkook looks at you, the fear clearly still evident - your eyes are glassy and empty, your hand on his arm is shaking, and your voice is cracking. Whatever courage you had at answering back earlier is slowly dissipating, and all Jungkook wants is to get you away from all this.Ā
āIām fine, Jungkook. Heās just angry and I donāt blame him,ā you insist.Ā
All lies, really. You wish the worst for Chi-won, but you know it wonāt do you nor Jungkook any good if you both go down this path.Ā
Your eyes plead for him to take your lead this time and he sees it, he sees you, and you see his tiniest of nods before turning to Chi-won.
āGet out of here and call it a night before I do anything else to you.ā
Chi-won, whoās clearly still furious, starts walking away. But in his effort to regain the control you took from him, he turns to you before heading back inside.Ā
āYouāre really fucking good at that, you know?ā He says to you. āFuck the man you know wants you and then just drop him when you get bored or when you find the next guy who can pleasure you without the commitment you obviously desperately want. Youāll always be miserable whatever you do.ā
You will the tears not to fall as the words hit you where it hurts. Theyāre things youāve heard not long ago, just in a different variation, and by another man who had the same fate as Chi-won - left by you because you couldnāt give them what they wanted. Maybe youāre too honest when youāre drunk, maybe thatās when the yearning for something meaningful and more permanent comes out, and maybe thatās when they thought they could be what you wanted.Ā
But youāve always known from the beginning that they couldnāt give you what you desired, and you always hoped youād cut the cord before they started to want more. Turns out your timing is just as bad as your judgment.Ā
You let them have the final say, though. And then you let them walk away. You feel like itās climactic for them, liberating even, to be able to tell the person who hurt them that sheās selfish and she doesnāt deserve happiness. You suppose it just proves that they didnāt really feel much; perhaps your read on people isnāt that terrible after all.Ā
You manage to rein all the emotions in and look at Jungkook who remains standing next to you. His fist is still clenched and you see the anger in his eyes. Youāve never seen him like this, not even when Hajoon threatened him. This is the first time you thought he could really hurt someone, and he wouldāve done it on your defense.Ā
āWe should go back to dinner,ā you finally say. āTheyāre probably wondering where we are.ā
Jungkook turns to you, the fear still evident in your eyes but he can see you trying, he can see you try to be brave and bury all that pain in for his sake.Ā
āIām not letting you go back in there,ā he responds, his tone hard and firm. āIām not letting you anywhere near that man again.ā
You donāt insist this time. You donāt want to be anywhere near Chi-won, either. So you just nod and wait for Mr. Ri to arrive after he was called to come to you with the car. Jungkook is about to instruct the older man to go inside and send his apologies to the organizers but you tell Jungkook it should be him. You manage to convince him to properly send them off and pay the bill and while initially unwilling, he finally goes, giving Mr. Ri strict orders not to leave you alone.
Mr. Ri breaks at the pained look on your face - an uncommon sight for him, and one that hurts him. Itās not the first time though,Ā and that just makes it worse.Ā
āStay strong, okay?ā He says, despite not knowing what happened. āYou have people around to protect you, to keep you safe. You know that.ā
You nod in acknowledgement, as youāre unable to get any word out. But you see the pain in his eyes, too, and for all the years that youāve known him, the comfort in them always comes.Ā
Jungkook returns and informs you that the organizers will be leaving soon. He asks you if itās okay if he drives you home and you say that it is. Even if heās just seen you be humiliated, somehow itās him you want to be with you as you try to process what happened. You know itāll ease his mind as well, and you donāt want him to worry any more than he already is.Ā
You both say goodbye to Mr. Ri and then enter the car, with you feeling a little odd to be sitting in the passenger seat with Jungkook next to you. But you settle in, your body moving on its own; it feels quite foreign to you, with your mind in a haze and your nails engraving their marks on your palms, as if by some miracle it could erase what happened tonight from your memory.Ā
But you doubt anything would.
āHis shift ends soon and I donāt want to take you home right away, just in case he follows,ā Jungkook says.Ā
You look at him questioningly and he immediately knows what youāre thinking.Ā
āI know the manager and I asked him,ā he explains as he starts driving away. āBut donāt worry, I didnāt say anything. And that bastard didnāt see me. He avoided me and stayed in the kitchen the whole time I was there, as if he wasnāt serving our table the whole evening. I shouldāve picked up that he was trying to get near you. Iā¦ Iām sorry I didnāt get to you in time.ā
You still came for me, you want to say. Itās the thought that keeps swimming in your mind. You donāt know how long you were gone for but he couldāve called; he chose to go out and look for you instead.Ā
Itās as if he knows what youāre thinking, as he says that he noticed you were away longer than he expected.Ā
āIt just felt odd. You wouldāve messaged me if something was up,ā he reasons. āI guess I noticed earlier that he kept coming to our table for no reason but I didnāt pay it any mind. But then another server brought the dessert. I asked where he was and the guy said he went outside without any explanation, and I just had a weird feeling. I shouldāve come sooner, ___.ā
You want to say that he doesnāt have to apologize, that things couldāve been worse if he hadnāt come, that you owe him your life that he did but youāre feeling too much to even manage a word out.Ā
At the stoplight, he turns to you and sees the half-moons embedded on your skin. He sees the glassy eyes and the trembling lips. He wants nothing more than to shield you from all this, to take you somewhere where youāre safe and where no one can hurt you. He didnāt think that seeing you like this would make him feel so powerless, because much as he can make that manās life miserable if you let him, what he canāt do is take your pain away. What he doesnāt know how to do is comfort you.
āIāll drive you around first, is that okay?āĀ
You nod, turning to your right to watch the city pass you by. Itās a breeze driving down the bridge as lights illuminate the Han River. The moonās reflected on it, too, but you donāt feel any joy nor calmness. All you feel is this heavy burden of disgust and fear and shame and loneliness and anger.Ā
You quickly wipe the tear that falls, hoping that Jungkook doesnāt see. Your eyes remain glued outside, and you watch the buildings slowly disappear, replaced by little cafes and stores closing shop. Itās a familiar street, one youāve passed by on some mornings, and you appreciate the familiarity.Ā
The car stops but you donāt look away from the window, afraid that seeing the worry on Jungkookās face will make you break down.Ā
āWeāre at a neighborhood park near your place,ā he says. āIāll just be outside, just in case you need time alone. You can put the radio on blast. You can honk if you need me, or you can come out if you want to. Iām just here.ā
He doesnāt wait for you to respond. He just exits the car and walks towards the bench that overlooks the playground. You put the music on loudly, and perhaps just as he expected you to do, you cry. And you cry hard.Ā
You shut your eyes from the pain. It forces you to relive that moment but you do your best to crumple it like paper and then burn it from your memory. You know the burned pieces and the smoke will stay - an alley will trigger you, the scent of cooking oil and cheap cologne will make you gag. Itās how it is with painful memories - they burn you but thereās not much you can do to put out the fire. And when itās gone, itās not over. The scars remind you it happened. And then they urge you to make sure it doesnāt happen again.Ā
You donāt know how long it takes for you to cry out all the tears. It feels like they wonāt end - theyāre the words you couldnāt say earlier, and the words that would haunt you for longer. But they eventually stop falling, and youāre exhausted by the time they do. You have new crescents on your palms, too, and those may go away but you know theyāre the only things that will. Everything else will be invisible, and that makes it a harder burden to carry.
Outside, Jungkook glances at the car to make sure youāre still there. He doesnāt think thereās any danger now; he doubts that man got to follow you here, too. But with what happened earlier, thereās this perpetual worry about anything that harms you, and he doesnāt want for there to be even a single second where youāre afraid, where youāre looking over your shoulder in fear, and where you think youāre everything that man said you are.Ā
He can try to keep you safe. He can try to lift you up. But when itās about trying to forget, trying to move on, he knows thereās not much he can do. He knows a bit about painful experiences and memories that won't leave him. Heās done his best to hide those away, kept in the deepest nooks of his being thatās caused him to conceal parts of himself as well. Itās not easy to do but he does it; all these years later, he doesnāt know how not to.
But then thereās you and somehow, those parts of him that heās kept hidden come out. Maybe itās those pieces that will help comfort you, that will help protect you, that will help keep you safe. Heās not sure but if they are, maybe itās not such a bad thing for them to resurface, if it means you wonāt be scared or hurt or alone.Ā
His gaze flits back to the playground. He glances at your direction every few minutes. He wants to respect your privacy, at least as much as what his car and the radio on blast could give. He hopes that all the crying could help ease your pain somehow. He also hopes heās one person who could.Ā
Jungkook hears the door open and he turns to see you slowly get out. He remains in his seat and waits to see where you go. A minute later, youāre sitting on the bench next to him, your breathing slowed down now, and your hands are less shaky than earlier. Your eyes are still glassy, and he wishes he could wipe the tears away should they fall, but he knows itās not something he can do.
Both of you sit in silence as you watch the moon dance over the field of grass. Itās peaceful here at this time of the night. Itās not a place you expected him to take you but youāre glad that he did.Ā
You didnāt grow up going to parks because your mother rarely had time to take you; no one could accompany you either. When you moved to Busan during your pre-teen years, you felt youād outgrown it even if Jimin and Soomin would invite you. There were always so many kids around and you didnāt know how to talk to them or to play with them so you always stayed in your own spot, near the tree where you could watch them run about.Ā
āI didnāt know where to take you but, uh, I loved playing in the playground when I was a kid,ā Jungkook bursts through your thoughts. āIt somehow always made me feel safe.ā
āDid you like going to parks, too?ā You ask, finally finding your voice, visibly surprising him.
āNot really. I wasnāt exactly fond of people even as a child,ā he softly chuckles, earning him a small smile. āAnd well, my older brother liked to tease me in front of his friends when weād play so I would ask to go late in the afternoon once the kids have left. My father picked up on it so he built a playground just for me in our backyard. It was really nice. Iād spend all day there when I was younger.ā
A little Jungkook coming down the slide, climbing up the rock wall, and playing in the seesaw looks so wholesome. You wonder if he squealed while on the swing like kids usually do. Maybe. Itās nice to imagine a version of him thatās joyful and free. You wonder when the last time he felt that way was.
You also wonder what has made him share something that feels so personal to him with you. Youāre thinking maybe itās to make you feel comfortable or to ease your nerves; maybe itās to tell you that unlike Chi-won, heās not there to threaten you. Maybe Jungkook wants to tell you that heās someone you can trust, that despite what you are to each other, at this moment, he can be a friend.
āThank you, Jungkook,ā you manage to say. āThank you for coming to find me and keeping him away from me. Heā¦ he was someone I used to see and I ended things and I thought we were okay. I hadnāt seen him in a while andāā
āYou donāt have to explain it to me,ā he says softly. āI understand that itās difficult and reliving it might just make you more scared and upset.ā
āBut Iā¦ I need to say it, at least just this once,ā you stammer. āJust so it wonāt stay in my head like some made-up reality until Iām convinced it didnāt really happen. Because it did.ā
He turns to you, his eyes the most sympathetic youāve seen them, and he nods.
So you tell him - how Chi-won kept staring at you as you ate, how he pulled you towards him and then caged you against the wall.
āHe was too close and I couldā¦ smell him, as if he wanted me to remember his scent, and that he didnāt want me to ever forget it,ā you say.
Your tears fall slowly this time. Your voice cracks and your nails dig into your skin again. It feels so heavy, that even as you try to expend the negative energy, itās still there. As if the memory itself is tangible, like a sack of sand filling you from inside and it makes you unable to breathe.Ā
But the sight of Jungkookās trembling hands catches your attention, and you turn to him - his jaws tight and his eyes, tense and deep.
āIām so angry for you,ā he heaves, his fists clenching now. He still wants to wipe your tears but he also wants to go back to the restaurant and finally punch that manās face. āYou should file a case. You have all the grounds for that. I can get him fired and he can lose everything.ā
āThe law and society in general donāt favor us, Jungkook. I donāt have bruises or anything; thatās what they look for. They think that all harm done only leaves visible marks,ā you sigh, knowing that thereās not much you can do. āThereās no other witness but you and that itselfā¦ might not look good. If I do file a case, heāll just bring up our past, my past, and taint my reputation. Thatāll just ruin me and everything I worked hard for will be for nothing.ā
āBut you canāt just let him get away with this, ___,ā he insists, feeling unusually emotional now. āHe hurt you. And what if he does it again? Telling the police can keep him away. Iāll make sure of that.ā
The urgency in his voice is something new to you. But you also know heās right. Jungkookās family has connections that run deep. He can very well seek revenge for you for all he wants but he wants your permission, he wants to know itās what you want.
āIā¦ I canāt risk it,ā you say. āIf by some miracle the case is successful, heāll just spend a few months in jail or do community service then heāll be out. He would lose more and I would be the cause of all that. And what if he tries to get revenge? How do I win?ā
At his silence, you continue. āThatās right, I canāt.ā
āButā¦ donāt you want to fight?ā He asks, almost desperately. His tone is low, as if heās trying to convince himself that fighting back is the answer. āDonāt you want to make sure that he wonāt do it again to you?ā
āI do, but what if I lose everything in the process, what then?ā You counter. āIā¦ Iām not strong enough for that, Jungkook. Thatās not a battle I can fight, not when Iām alone here. Not when Iām also just trying to get by.ā
You look back at his eyes, helpless and apologetic now, and at this time, this companionship is what you need. Itās as if heās telling you with them that you may think youāre on your own but you arenāt. Even as you shiver from within, you donāt feel so alone with him next to you.
āIā¦ I was seeing him for a year but things werenāt serious. He probably just wanted to scare me, to assert control because he lacks it in other aspects of his life. Cowards do that, I guess,ā you shrug, trying to reason to yourself how someone you knew fairly well could do something like that to you.Ā
People change, you suppose. Or maybe heās always been like that; it takes a while sometimes for the demons to come out.Ā
āBut cowards donāt have a right to do that,ā Jungkook reasons. āThey donāt deserve to just walk away and not deal with the consequences.ā
āThey donāt. But I donāt deserve to suffer more,ā you point out. āThe things he saidā¦ thatās probably enough revenge on his end, I guess. If he wanted to hurt me, well then, he did.ā
Thereās an emptiness in your eyes that Jungkook sees. Thereās a tinge of submission, as if you accept the pain even if you donāt think you deserve it. And maybe thatās why youāre choosing to fight this battle this way. We canāt do anything about how people hurt us, but we choose how much more we let them do it.Ā
āProve him wrong, then,ā Jungkook says. āHe doesnāt get to tell you that youāll be miserable your whole life. So chase what makes you happy. And let yourself be loved.ā
Itās permission that he doesnāt have a right to grant, but he supposes that if thereās any way you can defeat that manās voice in your head, itās by searching for the things you want and fighting to keep them.Ā
āOne day,ā you manage to smile at him. āIāll do those one day.ā
Itās like a promise youāre making to him just as you make it to yourself. Jungkook canāt think right now what that would mean. Finding your happiness could lead you anywhere; it sure could lead you away from him.Ā
āSo what happens now?ā He asks, hoping thereās a way he could help you get through this.
āI continue living my life and not let this define me,ā you shrug, half believing in the power of just pushing through it. āIāll probably be anxious and paranoid for a while but this is what I can do for now. Iāll just be careful andā¦ learn how to deal with all this one day at a time, I guess.ā
āAnd Iāll have Mr. Ri drive you home every night, at least for these next few weeks. Do you need to move houses?ā
āChi-won doesnāt actually know where I live. I never let him come over. I donāt really like having people in my house.ā
Jungkook hums to himself. He isnāt that different from you, it seems. But he takes your word for it, not wanting to impose. There are so many things he wants to do, like ruin that manās life because things like that canāt go unpunished but he trusts you. At the end of the day, itās your call, and he respects whatever you decide. Heāll just do what he can to protect you, even if heāll be worried like hell from here on out, an emotion heās slowly accepting, knowing what that implies.Ā
āIām sorry you had to witness all that,ā you say amidst the silence. āAnd that you have to deal with this now. I donātā¦ I donāt want you to think that Iām weak and that I donāt stand up for myself.ā
āYou know you have nothing to apologize for,ā he shakes his head. āAnd not fighting back doesnāt make you weak. I guess staying right where you are is a way of fighting, too.ā
āI have people aroundā¦ somehow,ā you comfort yourself. āIām gonna be fine. I have to believe I will.ā
Jungkook nods and manages a smile. At this point, he thinks all he can give you is support and encouragement. Heāll continue to do what he can to keep you safe without disregarding your requests, but staying right where he is with you might just be another way to do that.
āDo you want to pass by somewhere before heading home?ā He asks, knowing itās getting quite late. āA restaurant to grab a drink or something? You didnāt get to have dessert so maybe a cafe?ā
āA convenience store is fine,ā you smile, knowing the treats that would make you feel better.Ā
Jungkook chuckles, as itās a place he didnāt really expect youād want to go to after an experience like the one you just had. But itās you and he should be used to you surprising him, so he nods and gestures towards the car.Ā
It takes five minutes for you to get there and he looks around and asks what you want to have.Ā
āA cup noodle,ā you answer, walking towards the aisle where theyāre shelved. āDo you want some? I mean, you eat these things, right?ā
āOf course I do,ā he scowls at you, picking up one himself. āI justā¦ donāt eat it at a convenience store.ā
āBecause you donāt go to one?ā
āI do. Iām not a spoiled brat who doesnāt know how to do ordinary people things.ā
āYou mean commoner things,ā you raise an eyebrow. āOr plebeian activities. Or non-heir stuff.ā
āWhatever. I wonāt even defend myself to you,ā he huffs, giving in because seeing you amused is a welcome sight.Ā
āItās okay. Iām not judging you,ā you teasingly smile. āIām justā¦ laughing at you in my mind.ā
You walk towards another aisle and leave him with a smile heās glad to be making now. He follows and watches you pick up a few more things before you head to the counter where he manages to bring out his card first and pay.
āThat's all I can do,ā he shrugs after you thank him.Ā
āYouāre doing so much for me already,ā you assure him. āTaking me somewhere so I could cry, making sure I get home safeā¦ staying with me.ā
āThatās not even enough toāāĀ
āYou donāt know how to accept gratitude, do you?ā You ask as you blow on your noodles. āI notice how you brush it off when someone thanks you.ā
āNot used to hearing it, I guess,ā he shrugs, not thinking it was something youād pick up, although thereās no lie.Ā
Itās always been hard for him to say things - that heās sorry, that heās thankful, that itās okay. You, of all people, are the one pointing that out.
āYou should be. Because Iāll say it again.ā You turn to him and meet his eyes. āThank you, Jungkook. I thought Iād just go through this alone but Iām not. And thatāsā¦ thatās something Iām not used to.ā
āYou should be,ā he repeats your words. āThere are some things you shouldnāt be going through on your own. So if thereās anything else you need, you let me know, okay?ā
Thereās sincerity in his voice as he speaks. Youāre used to the low or stern or commanding tone, not this soft and worried one. But itās the comfort you didnāt know you needed. After spending all that time earlier crying and feeling afraid, being with Jungkook in this bright-lit convenience store is the unexpected warmth that youāre glad you let him give you.
āI will,ā you smile. āYou know, this is the longest Iāve spoken informally to you. It feels a little weird.ā
He laughs as he gets to the same realization. But for him, it almost feels natural.
āIt would be weirder if you spoke formally after all that,ā he says. āLike I said, if it isnāt about work then I donāt mind.ā
You hum in response, not wanting to dwell on the implication. Youāre with him after-hours, at a convenience store - that he personally drove you to - where youāre both having cup noodles and soda. This ironically feels more intimate than being in bed with some guy.
You decide to have your dessert, which is really just chocopie, and you mentally curse Chi-won for making you miss the sweet dishes from dinner. But still, you know this one could easily cheer you up. You give one to Jungkook, and his amused tone catches your attention.
āOh wow, I havenāt had one of these in years,ā he says, eating it one bite. āMother used to give this to me all the time when I was a kid because her best friend owned the company that makes them. There was a time Iād have it as dessert after every meal.ā
āSeriously?ā You giggle. āThat is so weird. This is my favorite. My mom would always buy this for me. When she worked at a school in Busan, she would give it as a treat while I waited for her at the library. That would just always make my day.ā
āHmm, itās a good snack,ā he says, smiling as he takes another piece that you offer and recalls how he used to have this everyday. āSo sheād pick you up at the library? Was that your favorite place at school?ā
āHmm, not really, but it reminded me of the one I used to go to,ā you reply. āWhen we lived in Seoul when I was young, there was this family-run library for children in the neighborhood. It was very cozy, with lots of soft chairs and reading nooks on the walls. There were these huge stuffed toys that you could lie on while reading so it felt like someone was hugging you. It had warm lights, not like those usual bright ones. There was this mural of the characters from the books they had,ā you narrate, smiling as you remember the days you spent there.Ā
āMom would pick me up from school during her lunch break then drop me off at the library where her friend volunteered at and Iād wait until she got off work. When we moved to Busan, I kept looking for it. The one at the school wasnāt the same so I didnāt enjoy it as much, but there was nowhere else to go. Eventually I just got used to it, but the chocopie always made the wait worth it.ā
Itās the most youāve ever told him about yourself and youāre surprised at how easy it was for you to do that. He did tell you a little bit about his childhood earlier though, and youād like to think itās your way of returning that kind of vulnerability; a story for a story, a piece of your childhood for a snapshot of his.
You look at him and the small smile on his face. Perhaps heās thinking the same.
āSo you like reading books, then?ā
āNot really, actually,ā you say, earning you a confused look. āI read all the picture books they had. Those are what I liked. And they had these coloring books and paper dolls and Iād spend hours just working on those. Being there made me feel safe, too; it was like my playground, you know?ā
āItās good you had that, then. Do you still visit that place? The one in your old neighborhood?ā
āIt shut down years ago, sometime before I returned to Seoul to work,ā you sigh. āI didnāt even get to say goodbye to it. The couple who ran it passed away and no one was interested in continuing it because it wasnāt profitable. But the community center nearby has a small library and I go there sometimes, when Iām really upset.ā
āAnd read picture books?ā He chuckles.
āYes, actually,ā you smile. āMemories are powerful and we need to let the good ones win. My childhood wasnāt the greatest but I felt like I was in a different world whenever I was in a library so being in one, even as a grown up, reminds me that there are still places where Iām welcome, where I can feel safe, you know? It reminds me that the world hasnāt completely turned dark. Iāve got to hold onto those to not lose myself.ā
āThatās one way of putting it. Iā¦ I donāt think Iāve been to a playground in years before today. Other than the one that father built in the backyard at least. And I rarely even see it because Iām rarely there. I guess I justā¦. Let myself get lost.ā
āWell, I hope going to one earlier somehow made you find yourself. Or at least reminded you of those good old days, the days when you felt free and safe and happy.ā
Jungkook thinks about what heād felt earlier, that much as being in a playground again brought him back in time, all he kept thinking about was you - alone in that car while you let all your emotions out. He wanted to comfort you but he didnāt know how, and he thinks that maybe it isnāt about finding himself but learning what heās capable of, and that after all these years, maybe heās still capable of caring for another person, and maybe that person is you.
āIt did,ā he hums, meeting your eyes.Ā
Thereās more light in them this time and he wishes it would stay this way. Heād seen you cry months ago and it wasnāt a good feeling, especially because youād done so because of him. This time, he feels powerless, and he doesnāt know which is worse.
He gets to be with you now though. Perhaps thatās the difference.Ā
You start cleaning up and itās his signal for both of you to head out.Ā
It takes him ten minutes to drive to your place and a small part of you doesnāt want to leave. Even in the silence, you felt calm, something that you hadnāt expected to feel around him, considering his default tense disposition and usual detachment. But thereās something about his presence, about him just being there - heās not trying too hard to comfort you, heās not imposing, heās also not invalidating your feelings. What matters is youāre not alone, and other than him making that effort, itās also about you, allowing him to do that, something you donāt always do as well.
āThank you again,ā you say once the car has stopped.Ā
He nods in acknowledgment then turns to you. āIt might be best if you take a leave tomorrow, and by that I mean staying home for safety reasons.ā
A day to just process everything isnāt such a bad idea, so you agree.Ā
āIf itās not too much for your friends, maybe they could drive up here so they can be with you. Having people around you that you trust might help in making you feel better.ā
āIāll ask them. I donāt want them to worry but I do need them. So thanks, Jungkook. I appreciate it.ā
You exit the car and turn around to wave him goodbye. He smiles as you do, and itās a sight that helps you sleep later that night - after the long bath and another crying session, after the phone call with your friends who promised to be here in the morning, after the time you spend just hugging your pillow, hoping that youād stop being scared.
But thinking of Jungkook now makes you feel better and you realize the change again - thinking about him now makes you a little braver.Ā
You spend that weekend wrapped up in your best friendsā arms. They arrived on Friday morning with some pork bone soup and seafood that they cooked for lunch and dinner. In the middle of the day, Jungkook texted you and asked how you were doing, and you couldnāt hide the smile on your face, which prompted a conversation about your little crush that you didnāt expect to get tense, with Jimin stating that while Jungkook did help you, being attracted to your boss is complicated and would lead to heartbreak.Ā
You insisted that it was harmless - a half lie, as you hadnāt thought much about it in that sense - and that itās not something you plan on nurturing. Youāre gonna leave the company one day anyway, and you wonāt have to deal with him after.
The succeeding days were spent just at home, with you feeling lighter, until Sunday evening when they had to leave, and you felt a little lonely again.Ā
You try to let that feeling go once you enter Jungkookās penthouse on Monday morning, knowing that with a day off, youāll have a lot to make up for and you canāt let anything distract you from your tasks.
That includes the man himself, as he exits his home gym in sweatpants and a dri-fit shirt, the sweat sticking to his body thatās got his chest accentuated. His hair is damp and heās panting; itās not exactly the sight you wanted to be greeted with, considering all the thoughts in your head these past few days. Youāre reminded that just last week, youād tried to keep your distance and now, heās making it incredibly hard for you to do that.
āHey, how do you feel?ā He asks as he takes the glass of water you set for him. āDid you get proper rest?ā
āYes, I did, Mr. Jeon,ā you reply.Ā
āHmm, weāre back to that again, huh?ā
It takes you a while but you pick up that heās referring to the formalities.
āIām back on the clock, sir,ā you point out. āYou are my boss and I need to address you accordingly.ā
Itās not a reminder he wanted, given how heās been worried sick about you since Thursday night. Even an hour of boxing after he got home that evening couldnāt rid him of his anger. He wished heād noticed how uncomfortable you were at the restaurant; heās been paying attention to you anyway but he just got so caught up with impressing the festival organizers that he missed out on the signs. If heād noticed, he wouldāve gotten to you earlier and things wouldnāt have escalated.Ā
He had to control himself from punching that manās face the moment he saw how close he was to you. Your plea of letting him go was the only thing that kept Jungkook from ruining that manās life because he really could. He doesnāt think heāll ever understand it - people like that need to be punished, but itās people like you who remind him that fighting takes different forms, and youāre the only one who can define what that means.Ā
But it also doesnāt mean that he canāt get angry for you and heāll probably feel that for a while. Knowing how you are, he knows you wouldnāt want him to pity you either, so heāll be what he can be, and thatās someone whom you feel safe around. Regardless, maybe the reminder of your roles in each otherās lives is necessary; itās what he needs to keep himself from doing more, or wanting to be more.
Jungkook finally acknowledges your statement with a nod and then heads to the bathroom for his shower. Shortly after, you walk towards his closet and prepare his outfits for the week. He meets you in the dining room once heās dressed, and like clockwork, you fix his tie and his suit.
The effect is minimal but somehow, youāve found comfort in the routine. What once was a tense and nerve-wracking act is now something automatic and essential for you. In a way, it reinforces your place in his life, but the short distance reminds you that he may be faraway or detached in some aspects but physically, heās so close. Itās a double-edged sword, really. Some days itās good, some days it isnāt. Today, itās the former, and as you look up and meet his eyes, the softness in them says he thinks the same.
You go over your usual with him while munching on some pastries that Mr. Ri was ordered to buy and bring up. The ride to the office is filled with discussions on the upcoming year-end events. When you arrive, you attend two straight meetings before having another one over lunch. You accompany Jungkook to a store opening located in one of their properties after that and itās 4PM by the time youāre able to sit on your desk for more than 30 seconds. Youāve got two hours to finish what you can today but you find yourself spacing out every few minutes.
Perhaps itās because itās the first time since Friday that youāre on your own. Your best friends made sure not to leave you by yourself for those three days - Soomin held you while you slept and silently cried in her arms, and Jimin hugged you for much of the day. Their affection was what you badly needed, and now that youāre without it, somehow you feel incomplete and anxious and somewhat unstable.Ā
Scenes are hazy in your mind. Youāre at least thankful theyāre not vivid anymore unlike a few nights ago, but the dim lights and the stench of the alley come to you without warning, and you suddenly freeze in panic. Your fingers tremble as you try to type away, your eyes unblinking as the tears coat them, and you feel sick to your stomach that you want to just be buried in the covers at this moment.
The door opening causes you to jerk in your seat and Jungkook stops mid-sentence to walk over to you.Ā
āHey, ___. You can go home,ā he says. āItās been a long day.ā
āIā¦ I donāt know if thatāll help,ā you admit. āI donāt know if being alone is what I need.ā
You go home to an empty apartment just like he does, he reminds himself. He knows what thatās like. Itās why he spends most weekends in the clubs where itās loud and crowded; those somehow mask the emptiness that can get tiring when all he has is himself. Being on your own is good sometimes; sometimes it also isnāt.
But Jungkook doesnāt know what he can offer you. His presence isnāt something exactly enticing nor comforting; he wouldnāt wanna be with him, too, if he was in a similar position.Ā Ā
āIs there a way that your friends can spend another few days with you? What about your mother?ā He asks.Ā
āThey have lives back home,ā you sigh. āIā¦ Iām okay.ā
āYou donāt have to force it if you arenāt,ā he insists. āI may not know much but I know enough that these things take time. Iā¦ā
I wish I could do more for you, he wants to say.
āI donāt have anything urgent for today,ā he says instead. āYou can clock off now and Mr. Ri and I can take you home.ā
āThatās not necessary,ā you say immediately.Ā
āI insist,ā he replies. āAt least for the next few days until weāre sure that youāre not in danger.ā
You nod, not having the energy to reason with him. At least you donāt have to think about how to commute home without risking being too close to strangers.Ā
You pack your things and get in the car, with Jungkook letting you bask in the mellow sounds of the radio while he doodles on his leather notebook. Youāre tempted to ask him what heās drawing just to add some more noise but you decide against it, choosing instead to close your eyes and force unpleasant images away from your mind so you can train yourself to do it this time.
It works. Except, itās the smile of the man next to you that you see, and when you open your eyes, itās the same thing that greets you.Ā
He chuckles when you look around and realize that youāre home.
āI was trying to wake you but you wouldnāt budge,ā he explains. āAre you just tired or you havenāt been sleeping well?ā
āOh, I just kept waking up last night. I guess thatās why. Iām sorry for making you wait.ā
āItās okay,ā he says softly. āJust try to get some rest and Iāll see you tomorrow.ā
You nod and exit the car, feeling out of sorts even as you enter your apartment and know youāre safe inside. You nibble on some leftover pizza and try to entertain yourself with the variety shows on TV but you end up spacing out. You curl in bed, trying as much to feel comfort from your pillow that lays stiff next to you.Ā
Youāre not big on physical affection, and most days youāre glad you arenāt because you donāt get any of it anyway, but tonight, itās what you need. Tonight, you just want that warmth, you want a body to curl into and arms to pull you close. You want hands to caress you and soft lips to plant kisses on the places that hurt. You want to hear soft laughter and random musings and plans for the next day.
The vision ends when you realize that you havenāt experienced much of that before. There were moments during the months you spent with the men youāve dated, but the feeling of safety was lacking, the warmth wasnāt warm enough, and the desire wasnāt overwhelming. You realize that it wasnāt intimacy you feared; losing it or finding out it wasnāt enough is what you were afraid of, and itās why you always pulled away. No one ever seemed worth it to try or to stay a little longer for.Ā
You sigh to yourself as you will the tears not to fall. The loneliness can get to you sometimes, especially on days when thereās a kind of pain thatās hard to talk about and all you need is comfortable silence and understanding without words. But you try to push through. Youāve been on your own for so long anyway. Even when you had someone, you still came home to an empty apartment and you still felt like it was enough when it was just you around.Ā
Youāre unsure if the desire for something more is just because of what you experienced, if the forced closeness and Chi-wonās burning touch hurt you too much or if youāve been wanting that intimacy all along. Or if someoneās made you realize that youāre ready for it, that itās actually worth it.Ā
You manage to fall asleep and drag yourself off the bed to head to Jungkookās apartment the next day. You drop him off at a restaurant for a breakfast meeting before going to the office where you get to work. Itās a busy day that has you meeting with different departments and coordinating with the organizing teams for the upcoming end-of-year events.Ā
Itās mid-afternoon when you decide to go to the outdoor garden just right off the elevators, surprised to find Jungkook standing by the railings. Dressed in a dark gray suit, heās got his hands in his pockets while he looks out at the busy streets, and you wonder what goes on in his mind when he looks at views like this.
The sound of the door closing catches his attention, and he turns around, surprised as well to see you here.
āEverything okay?ā He asks.
āYes, I just needed a breather.ā
āAm I giving you too much work again?ā He shakes his head, finding humor in it now after you pointed out one time how he once gave you so many things to do.
āItās part of the job, Mr. Jeon. Iāve accepted that now,ā you giggle, walking towards where he is then standing some feet away. āBut itās been a busy day and I just needed some air.ā
āYou can also take a longer break if thatās what you need.ā
āIām okay,ā you assure him. āThe busyness helps. Iāll get tired and hopefully fall asleep easily and then do it all again tomorrow and the next day.ā
Itās a strategy Jungkook knows well because itās something he does. Being a perfectionist helps because then, he can work himself to the bone without realizing it until heās entered his apartment. One glass of whiskey and then heās falling asleep on the couch.Ā
Weekends are tough, which is why partying and hooking up is his go-to. His best friends have asked him a few times what heās striving towards, what heās looking forward to and he couldnāt answer. At one point he stopped wondering, but now he wonders about you.
āWhat do you look forward to, then?ā He asks.Ā
āVacation, I guess,ā you shrug. āI get to be with my friends and family but then that flies too quickly then Iām back to this routine. So maybeā¦ I look forward to the day when I start savoring the moment, when I start enjoying whatās in front of me, when I startā¦ feeling less alone.ā
The last words come out subconsciously, prompting you to turn away out of shame. Itās not an easy thing to admit. You wanted this anyway. You chose to leave home to pay back a debt and then decided to stay because you wanted to prove yourself. You chose to not commit to anyone because the pain of loneliness is much easier to bear than the pain of losing someone. This is on you, and you deal with the consequences everyday.Ā
Jungkook doesnāt look confused nor curious. Thereās a look in his eyes that you catch before his gaze returns to the streets below. Itās understanding; you realize he knows exactly what youāre talking about. And perhaps heās on the same boat - letting life just pass him by despite the craziness of it all, perhaps wondering when heāll stop to smell the roses or watch the sunset or listen to the birds. Maybe like you, heās wondering when heāll get to do those with a hand to hold and a body to curl into.
The silence is cut short when youāre alerted that Jungkookās meeting with the Arts Center project teams starts in 15 minutes. You remind him about it then you both head out and go to your desks to prepare. Youāre seated on your chair when you look inside his room, meeting his eyes as he looks outside towards you. Thereās a small smile on his face that gives you comfort. Itās soft and assuring, and itās definitely what you need.Ā
Maybe you can start with this, you think, as he nods at you then meets you at your desk to walk towards the conference room. Maybe these are the things you can start savoring before the day comes that you have to leave this place - these moments of quiet assurance, of understanding, of subtle comfort that tells you that despite the walls between you, heāll be looking out for you even from afar.
The weeks fly by like a blur.Ā
The Thursday after the incident, Jungkook informed you that he got word from the restaurant manager that Chi-won returned to his home in Mokpo to stay with his parents. The next day, you took the train home to Daegu to be with your mom. She hugged you that night as you cried to her, feeling the strength that sheās had all these years, knowing that you have to be just like her and that this time, you have to be strong for her and for yourself.Ā
Spending time with her, Min-woo, and the girls was rejuvenating, and they promised to visit you in Seoul more regularly. They were in your apartment two weekends after, and it truly felt like youāve become the family youāve always wanted to have.
Work continued to be hectic as the year-end activities approached. The busyness definitely helped in moving past what you experienced, allowing you to detach from the memories. You gained the strength to keep fighting the way you wanted, and the people around you continued to be supportive and respectful.
Despite all that went on, you managed in organizing the events while also attending to some that Jungkook was invited to.Ā
The first one was organized by the VPās Office for the partners of projects that it managed, with the other departments attending as well. It was well-organized, and CEO Jeon himself expressed his satisfaction with how the event came together. Jungkookās speech was impressive. He ran it with you multiple times and he was able to shake off the anxiety by the time he got to the stage. His eloquence enraptured you; so did the way he looked in another Kim Taehyung-customized textured black suit that had you constantly internally smacking yourself because of all the times that Yoongi caught you staring. You were in full denial about your little crush but knowing your friend, he probably had you figured out, and heād been kind enough not to push it.
The next event was a big one, as the company hosts an annual fellowship dinner for all its partners, which you had a big role in organizing. A few of you were housed in the serviced apartment building near the office leading up to it, as per Jungkookās instructions, given that he didnāt want any of you commuting or driving home late at night. You remember how heād said that he couldnāt risk any of his staffās safety so casually, and you didnāt think he could be more attractive than that moment. Until, of course, when he showed up in his charcoal suit and parted hair, confidently entertaining the guests and delivering another impressive message. You snuck in a few looks later in the evening as he intently watched a ballad performer on stage, his legs crossed as he drank the flute of champagne and licked the remnants of it on his lips, causing your throat to dry up and promise yourself that youāll get rid of this crush soon enough.
It doesnāt happen, as the final event of the year rolls around. The fellowship dinner this time is with all the staff, including some from the Southeast Asian office. Jungkook goes for a cream-colored suit this time, a light and clean look that makes him look fresh yet sophisticated. You managed to be professional every time he called for you, and you suppose itās all the stress getting to you, but being near him made you a little anxious - there was a bit of giddiness that you didnāt want to show, but he somehow also calmed you down. The fact that he kept offering you water and making sure you had something to eat didnāt help. You blurted out that you didnāt expect him to be as thoughtful as he was, and when he said that neither did he but that you brought out that side of him after the incident at the restaurant, you had to keep your cool and act unbothered. He looked shy after, and you suppose that he didnāt mean to say it. But he did, and the words kept you up for the nights after.
You know youāre entering prohibited territory at this point and you wish thereās a way out before you get deep into the woods. You let Soomin and Jimin remind you everyday that you canāt nurture the crush, that the attraction canāt be anything more, that there are serious implications if you did, and that youāre gonna have to get over this as soon as possible. Itās Yoongi who tells you to not overthink it, that the more you force yourself out, the harder it actually becomes.Ā
āThere are things you just let happen,ā heād said. āThatās how they eventually fall away.ā
āThatās how they get worse, too,ā you responded.Ā
āThey could go either way, but resisting often ends up hurting more.ā
You decide to just let the wave take you along while you train yourself to savor the moments for what they are without giving meaning to them. A smile is just a smile, a look is just a look. You know youāll be without them one day. Just a few more months until you leave the company, and you wonāt have a reason to be around Jungkook anymore. At least before then, you can hold onto whatever memories you retain, and you can learn to look back at them with gratitude that during your hardest moments, he made you feel safe.
Itās now towards the end of December and itās the Tuesday before Jungkook is set to leave for his three-week vacation tomorrow. He called for an early dinner with the team at his new favorite Italian restaurant, wanting to properly say goodbye before youāll all be without him for a while.
āSavor it, it won't last long,ā he teases. āThe holidays will be over soon and then Iāll be back before you know it. So enjoy this time that Iām not around.ā
āWhat do you mean, sir? Weāll obviously miss you!ā Do-hyun exclaims. āMostly the once-in-a-blue-moon lunch and dinner treats and the occasional funny remarks but yeah, weāll definitely feel your absence around.ā
Her exaggerated smile lets everyone know sheās teasing, even if you know deep down, sheās telling the truth. Jungkookās come around these past months, spending a bit of time with each team member and learning their strengths and weaknesses, mentoring the young ones, and sending pastries or dessert during the most hectic days. Heās still serious most of the time and doesnāt join the occasional post-work dinner that Do-hyun guilt trips you into going. Thereās always so much to do and his perfectionism has rubbed off on everyone else, but he has his moments. And you know the team appreciates his efforts, too.Ā
āWeāll see. Maybe when I come back you guys will want another boss or something,ā he baits.
āThat was like, the first two months of you in your role, Mr. Jeon, but weāre over it,ā Do-hyun admits, causing Manager Lee to panic.
He glares at her the way Chin-sun does, but you sit there giggling. Jungkookās chuckling, too, unable to hide his amusement at the young oneās bluntness.Ā
She apologizes but Jungkook brushes it off, saying those first months werenāt his best. You donāt miss the way he looks at you, though, and youāve trained yourself to not think too much about it, the way youāve trained yourself these past weeks to just accept his smiles and glances as they are.Ā
āI also took you all here to thank you for this past half-year,ā Jungkook continues. āIt was tough. I was tough. And it was a big adjustment for everyone but you all showed how good you are as individuals and as a team and Iā¦ I needed that.ā
āYou led us very well, Mr. Jeon,ā Manager Lee assures him. āAnd tough love works sometimes.ā
āI suppose it does, and it goes both ways,ā Jungkook replies. āAnd so to thank you, I got you all a little Christmas gift, something you can enjoy when you go on your respective breaks.ā
At his words, you distribute the letter envelopes to the team and they open them up, gasping in surprise and in obvious delight.Ā
Jungkook instructed you last week to purchase two vouchers at a luxurious spa for each staff member, hoping that a bit of relaxation can help you all. You were speechless when he said which specific package he wanted, and even if you know the price is just change for him, it was still more than you expected.
āA body scrub, massage, facial, and high tea, on top of the use of their super fancy amenities?ā Do-hyun enumerates, her eyes widening in awe. āThatās a full day of being luxurious and feeling rich! Mr. Jeon, this is amazing! Iām totally going by myself and going twice!ā
You laugh at her antics, not surprised sheād go that route.
āThis is so timely, sir,ā Manager Lee says. āMy wife and I are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary next month. This is gonna be a good date.ā
āAnd itās my birthday in a few weeks,ā Chin-sun adds. āThis would be so lovely to do with my husband.ā
āMy girlfriend and I fought so I think sheāll forgive me after I take her with me,ā Yohan says, earning him a few laughs.
āWhat about you, ___? Inviting anyone special?ā Do-hyun asks.
āYes, my mom,ā you answer. āSheās visiting next week, then weāll go home to Daegu for the holidays. Iām sure sheād love this.ā
āUgh, of course. Parents come first,ā she sighs.
You laugh her comment and turn to Jungkook, thanking him again for the gift. He thanks you for organizing them, too, and the dinner proceeds with candid spa stories and what youāre all doing for the holidays.Ā
Everyone heads home from the restaurant except for you and Jungkook who return to the office to run through last minute instructions and reminders before he flies in the morning.Ā
Youāve got over a week before your own vacation startsĀ where youāll spend a few days in Wando, Min-wooās hometown, but that also means needing to get a lot done before that, and then returning to backlogs after but youāll worry about that next year. Right now, youāve got documents that need Jungkookās signatures and some memos you need him to approve.Ā
Itās another hour until you finish, even if a big part of you doesnāt want him to go just yet. Three weeks feels so long when seeing him five times a week for 12 hours was your everyday these past six months. Itās gonna feel a little odd not having your morning routines and car rides. You remind yourself that youāre gonna have to start getting used to that, given that youāre gonna be letting it all go soon enough. Still, it doesnāt mean you wonāt miss it. It doesnāt mean you wonāt miss him.Ā
āHave you packed everything, Mr. Jeon? Do you have enough coats? You can get pretty cold. What about all your documents? Did youāā
āYes, I have,ā he chuckles, finding it endearing how youāre speaking too fast and making sure heās got everything ready.Ā
Itās not your job since this is a personal trip but he supposes that lines have blurred a while back, and he wonāt deny that heās enjoying this bit, especially seeing you worry. He wonders if youāll miss him, too, but he wonāt risk asking you even just to tease.
āIāve gone on trips before, ___. I think Iāll be fine.ā
āJust making sure that things are okay. Because Iām definitely gonna be the one youāll call if they arenāt.ā
āFair point,ā he laughs. āBut everythingās good. Hoseok has been bugging me and making sure as well. He doesnāt want anything to mess up this trip.ā
āItās really sweet that he insisted you join him and A-yeong,ā you gush. āThey love their winter trips and I love seeing all their photos afterwards. I can just imagine how beautiful these ones are gonna be.ā
āWell, he says he misses me,ā Jungkook shrugs. āI was away for a long time and frankly, weāre more colleagues here than family, so he insisted I go with them. But I also think they just want a photographer because the sights are obviously gonna be gorgeous and I happen to take pretty good photos, you know?ā
āI wouldnāt argue against that,ā you laugh. āSurely being the third-wheel photographer has its perks?ā
āWeāll see. Iāll definitely take advantage.ā
āIām sure theyāll spoil you somehow,ā you say. āAnd you get to enjoy the landscape and the fresh air and the northern lights. Those are definitely gonna look good in pictures.ā
āIāll make sure to take them, then. And show you,ā he smiles. āBut yeah, Iām looking forward to a different scenery.ā
āWhere would you have gone if they didnāt ask you to come?ā
āNot sure. Maybe to Brazil with Tae and Seokjin. Or somewhere like Hong Kong; I went there last year on my own. This time is gonna be different.ā
āAnd youāll have companions. That would be nice.ā
āIt would. Thatās different, too, but Iām sure it will be good.ā
You think about Jungkook spending his break on his own in a foreign country, navigating it by himself, meeting people, being left alone in his own thoughts. Maybe an occasional companion for the night. Or every night. Perhaps drinking on a rooftop bar to welcome the new year. But just him and no one else. You wonder how lonely that might feel, and youāre glad that at least this time, he can be around people who truly care about him.Ā
Jungkook thinks of how else he can keep you longer, knowing heāll be without you for three weeks which for him, is an extremely long time.Ā
āRemember to enjoy your time there, okay? Donāt think too much about work,ā you pout, knowing he still will.
ā___, Iāll be on vacation but I wonāt be on a break. You know Iāll still expect updates until next week. Iām gonna go crazy if I donāt know whatās going on.ā
āOf course you will,ā you tease. āIāll make sure to keep you posted. Iāll send emails for approvals, maybe call if something urgent comes up.ā
āYouāre the only one allowed to bother me, about anything. Remember that.ā
He says the words with such finality, as if thereās no way for you to resist. You wouldnāt anyway. Other than knowing that youāll definitely be bugging him for approvals and such, you also would want to know how heās doing, if heās enjoying his time away and if heās getting enough rest.Ā
āI will,ā you assure him. āSo, uh. You should head out and get some sleep. Itās gonna be a long flight.ā
He nods, knowing that he needs to let you go this time. He decides against offering to take you home - youāve been insisting that itās not necessary, and that youāve been fine with your bus rides to your neighborhood in the evening. He doesnāt want to sound desperate so he finally says goodbye.
He lingers, as he doesnāt move for a good half minute and just stands there by your desk, giving you a look to express things that he canāt ever say.Ā
āGoodbye, Jungkook. Take care of yourself out there,ā you finally say.Ā
āGoodbye, ___. You do the same. Iāll see you when I get back.ā
Itās another few seconds before he manages to start walking away. One last glance then he leaves. And he convinces himself that the sullen look in your eyes means that youāll be thinking about him while heās away, the same way heāll be thinking about you, perhaps while he looks at the sky, knowing itās the same one youāll be looking at, and then you wouldnāt feel so far away.Ā
The time on your watch reads 11:10. The plane should be leaving anytime soon, and you wonder how Jungkook is doing, if he was able to sleep well and eat at the airport lounge. You at least know he got there on time. Mr. Ri arrived some time ago to say that heās dropped Jungkook off and that he was instructed to take you to work and bring you home until your boss comes back from his vacation. You didnāt argue, knowing that itās Jungkookās way of making things convenient for you, given all the responsibilities you have to carry while heās away.Ā
But other than that, you donāt know how heās doing without any update from him. Which is silly for you to even expect. This is a personal trip, after all, and even if the line has somehow blurred after everything thatās happened between you two, you shouldnāt be waiting for some message about him having boarded or something. Youāll maybe just wait for his email asking for updates about his fatherās comments on the policies that Jungkook drafted for approval. Or once A-yeong has posted on social media that theyāve landed.Ā
You shake your head, knowing that liquidating expenses is more important right now than your boss. But then your phone beeps and the smile on your face is immediate.
[From: VP Jeon] The plane arrived late so we just boarded. Iāll get some work done during the flight but I just emailed you an end-of-year message for staff. Can you check if it sounds good?Ā
[To: VP Jeon] I will, sir. Have a safe flight.Ā
[From: VP Jeon] Thanks. Iāll let you know when weāve landed.
Simple and professional, you think, but somehow the thought of him messaging you before takeoff - even if itās work-related - has you feeling giddy. Thereās no desire for more. Just knowing heās okay and also still thinking of you has you satisfied.
You donāt get to wipe off the smile quick enough for Yoongi not to see, as you hear him clearing his throat, prompting you to look up and see his amused face.Ā Ā
āI was just checking in to see how youāre coping with your boss away but it seems youāre doing fine,ā he starts. āUnlessā¦ heās the reason why youāre smiling.ā
Your silence confirms his suspicion, and he merely laughs in response.Ā
āYah! Youāre supposed to reprimand me,ā you pout at him.
āAnd what would that do?ā He challenges. āYouāre an adult. ___. You feel what you feel, you do what you do. Itās up to you how you want this to play out.ā
āWell, Iāll tell you how it will play out,ā you say. āI will continue doing what Iām supposed to do, wait for the Arts Center to open, resign, then never have to see or think about him again. And Iāll be content with that.ā
Yoongi doesnāt press or counter you, choosing instead to just agree with your plan and be the supportive friend you need him to be, even if your eventual resignation will make him incredibly sad.Ā
Youāre very particular with the people you let in, with the people you allow to become an important part of your life. Heās lucky he didnāt scare you away for you to distance yourself from him, and though you didnāt return his feelings, he supposes thatās better. He gets to be someone you feel comfortable enough to be with, to be honest with, and thatās more than he can ask for. However you choose to approach whatever it is youāre feeling for Jungkook, his friend whoās just as cautious when it comes to people, Yoongi will just be there like he has all these years.Ā
āAnyway, is that all you came here for? To know how I was doing?ā You ask.
āI sent you the designs and proposals I need Jungkook to go through,ā Yoongi responds. āHe said to submit them and heāll review those while heās there. I wasnāt going to since I want him to actually rest and enjoy his vacation but heāll be on my ass about it.ā
He explains his vision, which you note down so you can articulate it when Jungkook asks. Yoongi leaves you to work on all your tasks, making sure to send you a teasing smile on his way out.
You continue with your day, ending it with an email to your boss about what transpired and the documents he needs to approve. He responds past 1AM the next day during his layover in Amsterdam. Two hours after that, he messages you that theyāve arrived in Denmark and will have dinner before going to bed.Ā
Itās the day after, on a Friday, when he schedules a video call with you that has you fixing your hair and retouching your lipstick before picking up. He shows up on the screen donned in a white jumper, his unstyled hair making him look cozy and much more boyish than youāre used to. You let yourself be familiarized with the scene, with him seated by a desk with the large window behind him showing clear blue skies and colorful structures. He seems to do the same, as the silence lingers for the next half a minute or so.Ā
He speaks up first, greeting you and asking how youāve been.Ā
āIām okay, Mr. Jeon. Getting a lot done on the post-event admin work,ā you reply. āHow about you? YouĀ look refreshed and relaxed. Thatās a new sight to see.ā
āItās probably the Copenhagen air,ā he says. āItās gorgeous out here. And the buildings are beautiful. Weāre staying at this nice boutique hotel that Hoseok and I explored yesterday. Itās giving us ideas for a serviced apartment with this kind of design. Or maybe villas by the mountains.ā
āOh, talking about work while on vacation, I see,ā you shake your head. āI bet A-yeong regrets inviting you to join them.ā
āMaybe another day of Hoseok and I just going to hotels and random buildings and she already will,ā he laughs. āItās work but also not. Itās nice to feel inspired by the surroundings. I realized that doesnāt really happen when Iām there.ā
āOh Iām sure. Youāre VP Jeon when youāre here and there, youāre just a regular person, a traveler, an architect. As long as youāre getting the rest that you deserve,ā you smile.Ā
āThatās true,ā he nods, taking your words in.Ā
Heās just him while he walks past the canal, while he explores the city and its vibrant structures; heās just a man in a foreign country who doesnāt have to connect with people, he just has to connect with whatās around him.Ā
āSo, letās go over your email and the things I need to review and approve,ā he continues.
Your hour-long meeting proceeds with approvals and instructions, and he impresses you with how much heās done despite being on vacation. You suppose heās still jet lagged and is just taking advantage, but you remind him again that the weekend is coming and you wonāt be working, so neither should he.Ā
āI know, donāt worry,ā he assures you. āWeāre heading to other towns these next few days before taking the train to Sweden. Iāll have time to work but also to enjoy the scenery.ā
āThatās good. Iām glad youāre able to take a break from all the craziness back here,ā you say, meaning it.Ā
He works so hard and you always wonder if he allows himself to breathe, to take a pause so he can look forward to something, and then savor it when it comes.
āMe, too. So when you take your vacation, I expect the same from you, alright?āĀ
āOh, you donāt have to worry about that, sir,ā you laugh. āI am gonna completely shut out once I clock off next Friday. You wonāt hear from me until Iām back here.ā
āOf course,ā he says after a beat of silence. āYou deserve a longer break, actually. You know you can always request for an extension.ā
āItās okay. I donāt want to deal with so much backlog,ā you respond. āI donāt really have anywhere else to go and people to drag with me. Plus, Iāll have a few days off for my birthday next month so Iāll definitely have more chances for rest.ā
Jungkook nods, knowing that time will be bittersweet for him because youāll get to have your break while heāll be without you. Just like how it is now, as heās on this vacation while youāre left to do so much work thousands of miles away from him. It also means he doesnāt get to do his routine with you, something thatās given him comfort and a sense of stability these past months. Seeing you through this call is his only way to remain connected with you, a chance to know how youāre doing, a moment to hear your voice and see the smile heās been without. Itās just been two days but he already feels itās much longer.
He finally lets you go, knowing youāll be clocking out soon. Even if he doesnāt want to yet, he says goodbye.Ā
As you asked, he savors their second day in the city, but he sees you everywhere - in all the greenery that he passes, in the library down the street, in the cafe with all the pastries that they eat at, and in the sky as he falls asleep at night. Thereās comfort in knowing itās the same one you wake up to every morning.
Not having Jungkook this long is a little disorienting. Sure, heās been away a few times, but heād still call or message to ask something or to give you instructions. Itās become your habit to bring him coffee every few hours, and you find yourself making one only to realize that he isnāt around.Ā
Seeing him in A-yeongās social media feels quite intrusive, but you couldnāt help but watch her Instagram stories, with him in a green fleece jumper as he walked down charming streets last Saturday, and then a black coat over a blue sweatshirt as he strolled the beachside on Sunday. He called the day before, on Tuesday afternoon, for your regular check-in, another hour of talking about work, even if all you wanna hear about is how his days have been. Youāve never thought about it as much before, but somehow seeing him in this way makes you care, it makes you want to know what heās feeling, what heās thinking.
You shake away the thoughts as Wednesday ends. Itās been a week since he left and thereās over two more weeks until heās back. Youāll have another call on Friday and there wonāt be another one until you return from your own vacation, and the thought saddens you, knowing there wonāt be a reason for either of you to reach out.
But you take it as a challenge, as a way for you to slowly get him out of your system. Hopefully being without him for a while will help.
Friday comes and the call with Jungkook goes a little longer than usual. Itās towards the end when Hoseok and A-yeong make an appearance, as theyāre all staying at a rental by the lake in a town in Sweden, and are about to have their breakfast.
ā___!ā Hoseok chirps. āIs my cousin still working you to the bone?ā
āAsks the man who has hours-long meetings with his assistant every other day. If I may say, Hoseok, youāre driving Bitna crazy. I think I just saw her earlier pulling her hair out,ā you tease.
āAh, I donāt blame her. Thereās just too much going on,ā he sighs. āBut at least Iām off her back now. Itās your last day before your break, you shouldnāt even be working right now! You should just be hanging out with the team before you all go out for dinner!ā
āLike you said, thereās just too much going on,ā you counter.Ā
āThese men never stop working, do they?ā A-yeong huffs from next to her husband, prompting you to nod in agreement. She turns to Jungkook with her arms on her waist. āIām telling you now, Kook, how are you gonna find a girlfriend when all you do is work, work, party, work, party, and work? Hmm?ā
Jungkook chuckles, his hand behind his neck as he tries to give an answer. You can imagine A-yeong hampering him about this, given that sheās quite the proponent when it comes to companionship. Itās why sheās always patient with Hoseok, and why they love each other as much as they do. Thereās understanding and respect, thereās trust and honesty. Sheās not afraid to tell him when she feels neglected, and he makes up for it immediately.
āIāll find her when Iām meant to,ā Jungkook responds. āBut anyway, I was just about to let ___ go.ā
āFinally,ā Hoseok says. Turning to you, he gives you that warm smile that you adore. āDonāt worry, Iāll make sure he doesnāt bug you during your break.ā
āGood,ā you respond, even if the thought saddens you a little. āAnyway, it looks so pretty out there. Iām so glad youāre all enjoying it.ā
āIt is! And the sights are spectacular, ___. Itās definitely a must-visit,ā Hoseok replies.Ā
āOne day,ā you say, knowing itāll probably never happen. Still, you indulge him. āIāll settle with pictures for now, so you better take lots of them for me to see.ā
āAh, Kook is the resident photographer! Heās been taking a lot so heāll show you.ā
āThat would be nice,ā you smile. āAnyway, I donāt want to keep you from enjoying your day. So Iāll go ahead. Iāll see you all when you get back!ā
They bid you goodbye, and thereās that nod again, that smile, that softness that youāve started getting used to seeing on Jungkook. Itās what you think about during the team dinner an hour later, while in the car going home as soft music plays, and as you fall asleep.
You hold onto that last image of him, until the next day when A-yeong posts on her socials again. Itās those snippets of his life that make you pause during the day and keep you up at night. Thereās so much about him that youāre drawn to, that you want to get to know, that you want to protect.Ā
Heās like a movie that plays in the local theater - captivating, intriguing, yet you remain a spectator and then it ends, moving on and youāve only got the memory of it etched in your mind. Itās not yours to watch whenever you want and no matter how much you try to analyze it, itāll always just be your interpretation, not his. Heāll remain as a moving image that you want so much to capture but seems too big, too overwhelming, too far.Ā
But there are instances when you think youāve got him for a second, that you understand him a little. There are moments like arriving at his penthouse the morning after he gets back from his trip with his mussed hair and oversized jumper that he feels more human, more flawed, more tangible.Ā
Itās when he smiles at you and says that itās nice to see you again that he feels within reach. Itās also the moment you realize that him being away didnāt really help. If anything, it intensified that feeling that you know you canāt have. Youāre gonna lose him one day, and when you do, you hope for only the good memories to stay.Ā
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Cabin Fever [part 2]
Pairing: Yunho x f reader
Genre: fluff and smut
Word count: 9.7k
Summary: The third day of your trip brings a storm, and even more cramps. You try to navigate the day the best you can, but really you just need to be taken care of, in the way it matters most.
Warnings: MDNI, smut, fingering, period sex, use of a condom, reader has really bad cramps again, some mxm (Seonghwa and Hongjoong)
A/n: I have had such a fun time writing this part, thank you all for the response on part 1! I am falling in love with this cozy world and wish I could live in it for real. Thank you so much to the anon who requested a part 2! I hope you all enjoy <3
Taglist: @pautiny27 @kierraperkins3 @yoonjikim @luvbit3z @pancake-freckle
I'm definitely planning on continuing the series for a while so if you want to be tagged for upcoming parts, let me know!
You can read part 3 here!
You stretch over to find your phone, unhooking it from its charging cable. The light is dim through the window, the room looks almost hazy. Squinting at the screen, you see a missed text from Seonghwa asking if you're doing okay, sent an hour ago.
"It's almost 11:30, we should really get up," you yawn, poking Yunho in the ribs to get his attention. He has once again wrapped himself around you tightly, face buried in your hair, and you're not sure if he's even awake.
"No," he groans, his voice low and gravely. It send a shudder through you, and all of the feelings from last night surface again. You can already feel the pains starting in your lower abdomen, the muscles cramping. You wish it could be night already and he could be making you feel good again.
"We can't just stay in here all day," you say, much as you sort of want to. But you also don't want to waste a day of your time with all of your other friends. Yunho just groans, not wanting to agree with you but knowing you're right. He's just so asleep still, so in the haze of sleeping next to you. He really just wants to stay like this, forever.
"Okay, well, I really have to pee," you say, giggling, peeling yourself off of him. He lets out a small sound of disappointment but doesn't stop you. You turn around and see his tousled hair, his puffy, sleepy eyes. You lean down and place a quick kiss on his temple before making your way to the bathroom, another pad in hand.
The cramps hit you again when you're sat on the toilet, and you double over, feeling light-headed. It doesn't seem like you're bleeding quite as hard as yesterday but you still feel awful, despite all of the restful sleep you got. You gingerly clean yourself up, holding onto the counter as you stand, pausing for a moment so you don't pass out. You sigh, trying not to feel the frustration. But it's hard not to.
When you open the door you are met with Yunho, his messy hair now covered up by his hoodie, his eyes still very sleepy.
"Sorry for taking so long," you say, assuming he really needed to pee. You aren't paying attention, the cramps overwhelming you.
"Hey, look," he says as you start walking past. When you do finally look back you see that he's brought you pain meds and a glass of water. Your face softens immediately.
"Oh, thank you," you say, taking them immediately.
"Are they bad today?" he asks, a hand on your cheek. You just nod. "Go lay down then."
"I wanna hang out with everyone, though," you pout, looking at the floor.
"Well, go lay in the living room then," he suggests.
"Okay," you mumble, heading that way with your glass of water in hand. He watches you walk away, an obvious discomfort and weakness in your body, and it makes his chest hurt. When you were friends in high school he really only saw you on your good days, when you were feeling okay. It wasn't until living with you that he really saw the worst of everything, the truth of your health issues. You never spoke of them often, never truly explained it to him. Living together had forced you to, and when he showed himself to be genuinely good at caring for you, you'd let him in a bit more. He knew you didn't like the idea of people seeing you at your sickest. He never gave much thought to the idea when he was younger, that some people's bodies are wracked with issues from the start, that they never get to know what it's like to be able to rely on your body to carry you through everything. You were so young; though you were the same age as most of the rest of the friend group, you'd always been seen as the baby. He certainly always thought of you as small, in need of protection. He didn't want to tell you that, because he knew you'd hate the idea. It didn't help that you were smarter than most of them, when it came to the practical and academic aspects of life. You were far more mature in many ways. But they had the healthy bodies; they were the ones who were able to move out at eighteen, to become financially independent. It would take you many more years, and two very supportive friends to live with you, before you could move out.
When you make it to the living room you plop down next to Ari and San, snuggling under a blanket. The cabin was colder than you expected, the sky outside still dark.
"Has it been like that all morning?" you ask Ari, staring out the window.
"It was actually raining for a while earlier, it just stopped maybe thirty minutes ago."
"Oh really? No wonder I slept in so long," you reply, sighing into the warmth of your blanket.
"Are you doing okay?" she asks.
"Yeah, but I still feel like crap," you say, frowning. Sipping your water you try to relax, try to get your mind away from how terrible your lower abdomen feels.
"Do you need any pain meds?" she asks you, her face showing obvious concern. Even San is turned towards you and looking worried.
"No, no, I just took some. Thank you though," you respond, squeezing her hand. "I should probably eat something though, I'm starving."
"I think Seonghwa and Hongjoong are making some lunch, I'll go get you some," San replies, standing up.
"Oh, you don't have to," you start, taken aback by the kindness of this almost total stranger. But he walks that way anyway, not stopping at your words.
"He's so freaking nice, what the hell," you say to Ari.
"I know," she laughs, shaking her head. "I almost can't believe it's real sometimes."
"Men just aren't usually like that," you say, and right then Yunho crosses the room, making brief eye contact with you. He heads towards the kitchen, looking like his mind is set on something.
"The guys in our friend group are," she replies.
"Well, that's true. I guess I should say, straight men aren't usually like that, especially if they aren't romantically interested in you," you clarify. "At least not in my experience in the world, and I barely interact with men or go out in public."
"I know, the amount of horrifying behavior I saw at college is crazy. And even now still at my work. I know so many people tried to warn me to be careful around men when I was growing up, but I did not realize just how scary it would be to be in the adult world and have a uterus," she replies. She looks at you, earnestly; how nice it is to have another girl in your group, who understands what it is to exist in the world in your bodies.
"Uteruses should be banned," you say, placing a hand on your stomach. "This thing needs to get the hell out of my body."
Ari laughs, the bright sound raising your spirits. "I would have taken it out for you myself years ago, if I could," she laughs, resting her head on your shoulder.
"What just, reached up inside and like, pulled it out?" you laugh.
"Girl, your mind goes to the strangest places. Now I can't get that visual out of my head," she laughs, a hand coming to rest over her eyes.
"I wish I could do it myself," you reply, "just like-" you reach your hand down and spread your legs, miming the action; you both break into giggles.
"What was that?" Yunho asks as he sits down next to you, a cup of tea in hand. He holds it out towards you, careful to hand you the handle so you don't burn your hands.
"Y/n just being her usual self," Ari replied, still laughing. Yunho just looked confused, sipping at his own cup of coffee.
"I was showing her how I'd remove my uterus, if I could. I wish someone could just reach up in there and take it out," you clarify.
"You should make Yunho do it, he's got big hands," she says.
"Ari!" you shriek, crumpling into a heap of laughter with her. Yunho's ears go red, and he clears his throat to try to calm himself.
"You two are something else," he says, turning away, looking for anyone else to make conversation with.
"Wait, did Yunho make you that cup of tea?" Ari asked you, and at the mention of his name his attention stayed put.
"Yeah," you reply, not sure why she's interested. "He makes me and Hwa tea and coffee like all the time."
"That's sweet. See, we're so lucky to have these boys. He's the perfect example of a straight man who has no romantic interest in you, but still takes care of you."
You know she means it earnestly, from the way a small smile creeps onto her lips, making her eyes crinkle at the corners. But you and Yunho both stop dead in your tracks, your throats simultaneously going dry.
"Yeah, true," you say, trying to be normal. Like this morning, when Seonghwa found you in bed together. The words come out rough and you try to swallow, but it hurts and your eyes squeeze shut for a moment. You take another sip of your tea, trying to appear calm.
"What, Yunho, did I say something weird?" Ari asks, and you look over to see his stony face, his eyes looking almost distant. Something about it makes your heart drop, for a moment, and you don't know why. Something in you begs for him to act normal too, but you realize there's no point. No point in pretending like nothing happened, even if you don't know what it means.
"I need to tell you something," you whisper to Ari, your face just inches from her ear. She leans even closer, clearly excited by your tone. You drop your volume even lower, putting your hand over your mouth to block the sound from going anywhere else. "Last night he like, fingered me."
"What?!" she asks in a whisper, her eyes going wide with excitement.
"Shh, please keep your face normal," you beg her, knowing that isn't possibly going to happen. But you don't want everyone to find out this very second, you'd like it to stay between the two of you. Ari does her best to still her face, knowing you don't want to draw attention. At least it's fairly normal, for the two of you to share secrets. The boys have always respected when you two say something is just for your ears.
"Yeah I was like, hurting last night and he like, made me feel better," you whisper, you both breaking out into giggles.
"Girl," she says, clearly wanting you to continue.
"I'll tell you everything once there's not like twenty people in the room with us," you say, a goofy smile not leaving your face.
"Aww," she says poking your cheek, and you swat her hand away, jokingly rolling your eyes. Ari keeps looking between the two of you, observing the way his body seems drawn towards you even as he sits a bit away, his legs stretching out to meet yours. She has so many questions, seeing as you'd never mentioned having a crush on him. His crush on you had been obvious to her for a while, but she'd never really mentioned it. It always seemed that people in the group had crushes from time to time, due to everyone's closeness. But sometimes they passed, sometimes they came to nothing. It was one of the reasons your group of friends had stayed close for so long; no one really forced closeness or forced information out of one another. Sometimes she felt like it made you less close than you could be. But she knew it also meant no one felt stepped on or smothered.
***
After lunch was served the weather had cleared a bit, and Jongho suggested that everyone play a game of basketball out on the small court to the south of the cabin. Not one of you had plans for the day, and with the way the weather was behaving that was definitely a good thing. You and Ari laid on the couch together, barely overhearing the conversation unfolding. You knew even if you wanted to you couldn't go and play, and the warmth of the couch was a lifesaver against the damp coolness in the air. The rain was not unusual for the time of year, but you swore it never had been this cold during your cabin trips.
"Will you stay inside with me?" you asked her.
"Of course. I wouldn't leave you alone in here. Also, I don't really feel like getting hurt today. You know how competitive they all get," she laughs, holding up her arm and showing you a large cut on the underside.
"My god, what's that from?" you ask.
"Wooyoung pushed me when we were playing waterpolo by the falls, and I scraped my arm on one of the rocks."
"Of course it was him," you chuckle, taking a closer look. "Did you wash it out yesterday?"
"It's not really that deep, but yeah. I'm sure it'll heal quick. I just really don't feel like playing basketball on a wet, slick court."
"And it's so cold, I don't know why they feel like going outside."
"It's not that cold," she says, looking at you confused.
"Wait, really?" you ask. She shakes her head. "Ok well for some reason, I'm freezing."
"One sec," she says, getting up and taking a blanket from the other side of the bed. "Y/n is cold," she says to the group, pointing to you all curled up in your one blanket. Everyone grabs their remaining blankets and one by one, layer them on you.
"This is too much," you whine, but you can't deny you like the attention. You really appreciate the way they all joke around with you; it always makes you feel better.
When all of the boys headed out to play, you finally got a chance to tell Ari everything.
"Your periods are still that bad?" Ari asks you when you tell her how you were feeling the previous night. "You hardly ever mention it anymore."
"It's just, so normal at this point. I guess. I don't know, you know it isn't fun to talk about. Plus this one really has been extra bad. I haven't had one this bad in a while," you respond.
"Well I'm glad he was there to comfort you. You know you could have told everyone how you were feeling yesterday. You didn't have to pretend like you were fine at dinner."
"I don't know, Wooyoung's cousins are here and so is San, I don't really know any of them," you say.
"Let me assure you, San would not care. And I doubt Woo's cousins would either, I mean we've been around them before, they seem very kind. He wouldn't bring them around you if he thought they'd be weird about something as simple as that. I know Woo acts like he doesn't give a shit about anything, but he really cares about you. I overheard him asking Seonghwa this morning how you've been doing," she replies. You look at her tenderly, thankful she shared it with you. As much as you wish Wooyoung would just ask you, you know it's not his way. It warms your heart to know he cares.
"So, how long have you liked Yunho then?" she asks you.
"Dude, I literally don't know. I don't even know what I feel right now," you sigh, shaking your head at her. "I mean, he was really just helping ease my cramps, cause I basically begged him too. And I get fucking horny on my period, I don't know." You put your head in your hands. "I don't even know what words were coming out of my mouth last night."
"So is it just a sexual thing then?" she asks.
"I'm assuming that's how he feels, I mean he's never said anything to the contrary."
"No, I mean for you," she clarifies.
"I.. I don't know. I don't hook up with people, but he's like, one of my best friends, I-" you cut yourself off with a groan, head spinning. "I'm gonna develop feeling for him and he's not gonna feel the same and we live together and it's gonna be a fucking mess," you blurt out, your mind racing out of control.
"Y/n, that man loves you," Ari says, squeezing your shoulder.
"I know Ari, I'm not saying he'd be an asshole about it. But it would still be so awkward for me, and if you love someone platonically that doesn't just change overni-"
"No, he's in love with you," she cuts you off.
"He's said those words to you?" you ask her, incredulous.
"No, but it's obvious to anyone with eyes," she says. You squint questioningly in her direction, feeling like she's just saying what she thinks you want to hear. "Dude I'm serious, Seonghwa has told me about it, the way he is around you. If he's not in love with you then I don't know what it could be."
"He's dated like multiple people since we've known him though, that doesn't make sense," you reply.
"Not since moving in with you," she says. "Has he ever brought any girls over to hang out with? Or to hook up?"
"No," you say, head still spinning.
"That's not because of like, a house rule or something, right?"
"No, we talked about it, we're all okay with bringing people over. Hwa brings over guys sometimes. Well he did when we first moved in, not really this past year."
"But Yunho never has?" she asks again.
You shake your head. "That doesn't mean anything, Ari. He's barely even spoken to me this morning, anyway. He doesn't seem like he's in love. Seems like normal Yunho to me."
"He brought you tea," she says, smirking.
"Oh my god, he always does that," you say, rolling your eyes and also smiling. "I- I don't know how to feel."
"Would you do it again?" she asks. You nod. "Do you like, really really want to do it again?" she continues, making you laugh.
"Yeah," you say, hiding your face in your hands.
"Well, at least you know that. Don't stress about it," she says. "It can just be a fun little thing, it doesn't have to be life changing."
You sigh, soaking in her words. You know what she's saying is absolutely right; it's the kind of advice you'd probably be giving her if the tables were turned. But something about your night with Yunho meaning so little doesn't sit right with you.
"Can you please not tell anyone, not even San? For right now, I don't know what Yunho wants to say," you plead.
"Of course, you don't have to worry about that. I don't share things with San just cause he's my boyfriend, I don't think that's fair to my friends," she responds, hugging you.
"I'm so thankful you're here," you say, sighing comfortingly into her embrace.
"Me too. I love them all but they can be a lot," she says, and you both chuckle. Tucked into your layers of blankets you feel warm and cozy, and your chest feels lighter having told someone about your previous night.
***
Close to 3pm, the storm rolls back in to the area; the winds pick up, the clouds darken, and suddenly rain is pouring down. It sounds like the roof of the cabin is being repeatedly pelted with golfballs, the dull sound surprisingly loud. Suddenly all of the boys are sprinting back inside, their wet shoes squeaking on the tile of the kitchen floor. All of them are thoroughly soaked, their hair sticking to their foreheads, clothes stuck to their bodies. They tumble in one after the other, Wooyoung the last to make it in, and you hear his scream all the way from outside. When they finally get inside they all start undressing, their clothes heavy and cold.
"Didn't realize we were staying at a strip club," Ari says, making you laugh. You know they're just uncomfortable, but you can't help but stare at Yunho as he disrobes, his light blue shirt dripping on him as he heaves it over his head. You don't really see him shirtless like this, even though you live together. He's not one for walking around like that. You'd forgotten how broad he really was, how strong his shoulders are. As he goes to ring out his shirt in the sink you see his tricep flex, and the smooth muscles of his back as well. He's tall and lanky, but you'd forgotten just how muscular he was too.
"You're kind of gawking, just so you know," Ari whispers in your ear, making you jump.
"Oh my god, I'm gross," you groan, burrowing your head in her shoulder.
"No not gross, not gross at all. Fuck, every time San is shirtless I want him to fuck me immediately." You glance over at Ari's boyfriend, already anticipating the muscles you're about to see. You could tell even when he was clothed how built he was.
"How often is at the gym?" you ask.
"Basically every day. He can like, easily pick me up and throw me around. And I'm not exactly the lightest person in the world."
"If that's not everyone's dream," you say, giggling.
"Can't Yunho carry you?" she asks.
"Yeah but I'm basically like a sickly little worm, it's not that hard. Even Hwa can lift me," you laugh,
"Okay, well, he can still lift you. And how big is your height difference?"
You just smile at her question, knowing you are blushing.
"God, if we aren't the most simple of women," she laughs.
"No no, I'll have you know I'm very full of logic and feminism and I do not care about muscles, or height, or anything of the sort. Never in my wildest dreams have I thought about how tall he is in comparison to me and gotten all hot and bothered about it," you joke, your blush having moved to your cheeks too.
"So you have thought about him like that!" she exclaims.
"Keep it down!" you chide, when you see Seonghwa shoot a look over at the two of you.
"Sorry, sorry," she laughs, pouting at you. "What are you looking at?" she says to Seonghwa, who rolls his eyes.
***
After the boys had changed and dried off, Wooyoung insisted that everyone watched a scary movie. You were all stuck inside, and everyone had already spent the morning talking and catching up.
"'It matches the vibe of the storm," he said. "It'll be so fun," he laughed, smirking in your direction. He knew how you couldn't handle jump scares and didn't like gore. He promised you the movie he'd selected didn't have either.
"It's more like, a psychological thriller, you know? It's really fun. Set in a cabin in the woods too."
"Okay, fine," you replied, hoping he was telling the truth.
He was, in fact, lying. You found that out about twenty minutes later.
The loud bang made you jump, causing you to launch sideways and grab onto the closest thing to you. It happened to be Yunho's arm.
When everyone sat down, Yunho sat himself right next to you, but didn't say a word. Everyone was chatting, the room filled with chaos as they came down from the adrenaline rush the storm had caused. Ari got up to sit with San and help him dry off, and when Yunho saw you sitting alone he was almost thankful. He didn't know why, but everything Ari had said earlier made him feel almost jumpy. He had seen the two of you giggling and whispering to each other, and felt like something was happening that he didn't understand. When he approached you your face looked distant, and he almost worried you didn't want him there, that you would have preferred her. He sat with his arm around the back of the couch behind you. But when you didn't lean into him at all, didn't seem comfortable with it, he pulled it back down to his side.
"Woo, you promised me!" you whisper yelled after you jumped, your grip on Yunho so strong it almost hurt. You felt so embarrassed at how easily scared you were.
"That wasn't even a jump scare, just a loud sound," Yunho said, and the room chuckled. You frowned, pulling yourself away from him. You weren't sure why you were so sensitive, but what he said made you feel small. And not in a good way.
Everyone else's attention was back on the movie in a second, but Yunho couldn't stop looking at you and your sullen face.
"Hey, I'm sorry," he whispered, leaning ever so slightly towards you. "Come here," he said, moving his arm around your shoulders this time, gently pulling you towards him. You stuffed your head into his chest, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. You weren't sure if you even wanted his comfort. You completely tuned out the movie, closing your eyes. You mind raced with thoughts from the day, and you suddenly realized you hadn't had a chance to talk to Seonghwa. You had wanted to assure him of what was happening, because he lived with you both. You didn't want him worried that you and Yunho had been keeping something from him, sneaking around behind his back. But as you peaked around the room to find his face, you didn't see him anywhere. You felt confused, and exhausted, and suddenly realized how cold you were again. You tried to tuck yourself into the blankets more but it just wasn't enough, so finally you decided to go grab Yunho's hoodie from the library. Maybe one more layer would help.
You slowly crawl your way out of the room, careful not to block anyone's view of the TV. When you finally stand up you're at the edge of the very short hallway that leads to the library. As you stand you notice how dark the sky looks. This window faces out towards the fire pit, and sits where the cabin is directly under a few trees and your view is limited. Still, the view is beautiful. The rain has become more gentle now, and the soft sound soothes you as you look out across the land splattered with greenery. The plants, the trees, they're the reason you really like being out here. You hope that today's the last day you'll have to spend inside, nursing your body. Some movement in your periferral vision catches your eye, and you sweep your gaze back towards the fire pit and the ring of trees that surrounds it. Suddenly you realize why you couldn't find Seonghwa earlier.
Outside, on a lounging chair just to the left of the fire pit, Seonghwa and Hongjoong are kissing. They must have snuck out while the rest of you were occupied with the movie, you realize. You aren't sure how you missed them at first, but in the darkness of the storm and shadow of the trees they almost blended into the landscape. Seonghwa is sat against he back of the chair and Hongjoong is over him, a hand on Seonghwa's thigh. You see him move that hand to pull on Seonghwa's silky black hair, the kiss clearly passionate, heated. The rain patters down around them, but in the cover of the trees they don't look soaked. They certainly don't look bothered. You can't tell, really, from this far away. You shouldn't be trying to look that hard, anyway. You try to tell yourself that. But you're mesmerized, stuck to the spot. You feel overcome with how beautiful they both are.
Soon they're tugging at each other's shirts, and you can tell now from the way they take them off that they must pretty damp. In the struggle you see Hongjoong's muscular back and arms; Seonghwa's face is the picture of lust, his hands moving down quickly to reach inside Hongjoong's pants and start stroking him. They're kissing again, Seonghwa's lean chest heaving, Hongjoong grabbing his legs to wrap them around himself. Tangled together they look like a perfectly choreographed ballet, like they both know exactly where the other is headed. You see Hongjoong's hips start to buck, his mouth moving down to Seonghwa's ear, then neck, his iron grip on Seonghwa's thigh leaving a mark you can see all the way from the window. Seeing the red mark brings a heat to your cheeks; the image of your porcelain doll of a friend being marked up by such a muscular man is not something you thought you'd ever witness. Now that you have, you can't help but think they're perfect together. Suddenly Hongjoong is sitting back, his hands pulling on the band of Seonghwa's shorts and throwing them aside, and you see how hard Seonghwa is, his movements showing how obviously needy he is.
Fuck, I really should stop watching them, you think. You'd seen them both naked before, it's not like your friend group was uncomfortable with much. But this was obviously different, and the way your body was feeling while you witnessed it made you feel a confused and a little guilty. Still, you could not pull yourself away, as you saw Hongjoong lean down over Seonghwa and say something, and Seonghwa's lips curl up in a smile, his head turning to the side as he grabbed onto Hongjoong's arm. They looked so, so in love. With Seonghwa's legs spread Hongjoong reached down, his hand moving between his cheeks, moving in a way you could not make out from your distance. Seonghwa's head fell back in obvious pleasure, and his back arched slightly showing off his lean abdomen. Hongjoong moved his head down to suck on one of his nipples, making Hwa's back arch even further and his mouth fall open. He looked so completely content in such a vulnerable state, and it made your heart ache with happiness. In all of the conversations you'd had with him over the years, you knew he always felt so self-conscious in these situations. It was always shocking to you, given just how beautiful he was. He got propositioned out in public more than anyone in your group, and had to continually turn people down given the industry he worked in. But all of that attention felt uncomfortable to him, usually, and you knew that. To see him so unabashedly open with someone was a rare sight.
Hongjoong's hand moves up and then you see, a tiny glint of something metal in his hand. It must have been a plug Seonghwa had inside himself already. When had he put that in? It must have been after the game, so before the movie? When did he even have the time? You can't stop watching the way Hongjoong lines himself up, stroking a hand through Seonghwa's hair again, finally pushing himself in ever so slowly. The plug sits next to them on the lounging chair, and you swear the gem on the end twinkles at you. He starts thrusting slowly, kissing Seonghwa's cheek, the rain starting to pick up again. It all feels so cinematic, like it couldn't have been more perf-
"What are you looking at?" Yunho whispers into your ear, sliding up behind you. You jump, spinning away from the window and covering your eyes, your elbow hitting him in the ribs.
"Oh god, ow," he says, grabbing his side.
"You scared me," you pout, your head feeling full of molasses from all of the feelings you are having.
"I whispered," he replied. "Why are you so jumpy, are you okay? Why did you you leave the couch?"
"I was cold, I was gonna grab your hoodie. But then, the window, you know, it was pretty outside with the storm and stuff," you reply, averting your eyes.
"Seems like my hoodie is in danger of being re-homed," he replies. He's trying to joke around to lighten your mood, which is obviously not good at the moment. Your eyes on the floor make him worried, and you really don't seem yourself. Or rather, you seem like how you are when you aren't feeling well.
"Here, why don't we look out the window together?" he offers, turning you around to face it again, wrapping his arms around you to try to help you feel warm.
"Oh god, Yunho, no," you mumble as he turns you, and you start stepping out of his reach, mortified at what he's about to see. You feel his arms stretch out and his body begin to move with you, but then he halts.
"Oh, that's what you were looking at," he laughs under his breath, making you cringe. You hope he leaves it at that, that he doesn't say anything else. But soon he opens his mouth again. "Oh god, that's crazy," he says, and you look back to see his eyes wide and mouth hanging open. He looks almost horrified, and you wonder for a moment if he's even seeing what you think he's seeing, or if it's something else entirely. With a confused look on your face you scoot towards the window again, to catch a glimpse of whatever has him so shocked.
As soon as your eye line reaches Seonghwa and Hongjoong you too feel a shock, at just how hard Hongjoong is thrusting into him now, his hand on Seonghwa's neck. No longer do the two look like a balletic couple; instead one has clearly submitted to the other. You know from conversations with him that Seonghwa likes being taken like this, or at least has always liked the idea of it. He'd told you many times how he'd never really had any partners he trusted enough to go there with, but that he wished he could. You feel strangely proud of him, as you realize he'd had to have a difficult conversation with Hongjoong to make this happen.
"Yunho, stop," you say, tugging on his arm to pull him into the library with you.
"You saw what I saw, right?" he asks, his voice still low but sounding mildly concerned.
"Yeah, why?" you ask, seeing his hoodie on the corner of the pull out couch and making a bee line for it.
"You just, don't seem concerned," he says.
"Why would I be concerned?" you ask, your eyebrows knitted together. You really don't know why he'd have a problem with the two of them being together, but suddenly you worry there's something about Yunho that you didn't know.
"Hongjoong was being so aggressive with him," he says, voice even softer.
"Oh, Yunho, he-" you cut yourself off, not wanting to overshare. You're so thankful he doesn't have a problem with them for any other reason. "It's not really my place to share but, let's just say I know he likes that. I'm sure he asked for it."
"Well, I guess that makes a lot of sense," he laughs, his relief palpable. You cock your head to the side, looking confused. "Oh you know what I mean," he continues. "Hwa is so professional, pretty, put together all the time. Of course he likes being taken like a whore."
"Yunho, what the fuck," you say, shoving your face in his hoodie to try to cover up your laugh. You can't help finding what he said hilarious, and his read of Seonghwa is completely spot on. But you can't believe the words actually left his lips. "How can you say that about him?"
"You're the one who was standing and watching them for what, five whole minutes? I waited a while to come and check on you," he says, staring you down as you finally put on his hoodie, your hair a mess under the hood.
"God, please don't tell anyone," you groan into your hands. "It's weird, I know, I'm sorry. I just, they seem very compatible, and I'm happy Hwa has found someone like that. I don't know."
"It's not weird, I know you like watching that kind of stuff," he replies.
"I do not, what are you talking about?" you reply, your cheeks feeling warm again.
"Ok I know it's only one example, but remember our school trip senior year? When those people in the hotel across the street were fucking and they left their curtains wide open? You couldn't stop staring."
"I'm never living that down," you sigh.
"There's nothing wrong with doing that, at least I don't think so. If people are fucking in public then they know someone might see. They probably even like the idea," he says, chuckling.
"I'm not a big pervert who reads smut all the time and likes watching people fuck," you pout, hitting him on the arm.
"I know," he murmurs, pulling you into a hug. "I'd still love you if you were, though."
Love. Your heart stops at the word for a moment, and you don't know why. You'd said it to each other thousands, probably tens of thousands of times in the ten years you'd known him. But now it's making you feel like your heart has fallen into your stomach, and you might puke it up. You sag against Yunho, pains wracking through you again. You almost feel relief, at realizing the feeling was just your cramps.
"I don't feel good," you groan into his chest.
"I know, I could tell," he says, rubbing a hand along your back.
"How?" you ask, tensing in anticipation of his answer.
"Cause you're being kind of weird with me today," he sighs out, hugging you even more tightly.
"I'm sorry," you say, having known it would be his answer. It was the thing him and Seonghwa had helped you realize; no matter how much you could hide the physical symptoms of anything, the changes in your personality were always there when you weren't feeling well. And those two, knowing you as well as they did, always picked up on it.
"Do you want to go back out there? Or stay in here?" he asks you.
"I just want to lay in here for a bit, by myself," you say, not wanting to expose him any longer to your sour mood. "I'll come out for dinner, can you let me know when everyone's eating?"
"Of course," he says, lifting you up and placing you on your bed. In the comfort of the library everything feels so intimate, and you tug him down to come lay with you too, for just a second. Wrapped around each other you both sigh, Yunho nuzzling his face into your neck and leaving a gentle kiss. He feels overcome with concern, his heart wanting to stay next to you like this, forever. But you'd said you wanted to lay by yourself. He pulls himself up, tightening the strings of his hoodie slightly and pulling your blanket over your shoulders. As he leaves he walks gently, trying not to make any sound. In the hallway he glances briefly out the window, to see Seonghwa smiling, him and Hongjoong cuddled up together in a gentle embrace.
***
Dinner passes in a blur, your entire body feeling achey and your head starting to hurt. You'd taken your pills, drank water; there was nothing else you could do. When Yunho came to get you you'd almost declined, almost asked him to bring you food in bed. Your bleeding was definitely slowing down, but your body was feeling weaker today, and your mind was all over the place. Throughout dinner you felt like you might start crying at the smallest thing, and you clung onto Seonghwa to keep yourself from doing so. Everyone could tell you weren't feeling well, Yunho and Seonghwa rubbing your back as you sat cross legged at the large coffee table in the living room, slowly sipping at your soup. When Wooyoung brought you the bowl he had leaned down to hug you, seeing just how out of it you were.
"You don't have to stay out here with us if you don't feel well," Seonghwa said, running his hand through your hair. You leaned against him, slowly blinking to try and calm yourself.
"I don't think I can walk right now," you said, your legs hurting terribly.
"I can carry you," Yunho piped up, downing his last bite of food. "Do you want to go lay down again?"
You nodded your head, the light in the room feeling too bright despite how dim it was. You bring your hands up to cover your eyes.
"Ok, let me clean up our dishes and I'll take you to your bed," he said, standing up with your bowl and his plate in hand. When he returned he gently grabbed your hands, moving them around to the back of his neck, and then moving your legs out in front of you, scooped you up in one fluid motion. You rest your head on his chest, burying your face into his hoodie that you're still wearing.
"Feel better, we love you," Ari said, a twinkle in her eye as she watched Yunho carrying you from the room.
"I love you too," you respond weakly. You feel yourself fading, but suddenly your teeth feel too gross to sleep. "Wait, I need to brush my teeth," you tell Yunho, groaning in frustration.
"Okay, no worries," he says, his voice gentle. He walks you to the bathroom and sets you down on the toilet seat, prepping your toothbrush for you, then helps you stand to spit everything out when you're done. "Wait, I need to pee," you say, holding onto his arm tightly. He helps you sit down again, helps take off your pants and panties. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry you have to help me like this," you say, your words nearly slurring together. You're really sounding out of it, and he feels himself in that space he gets in, when you're so broken down and he's the one there to comfort you.
"Shh, it's okay," he says, brushing a tear that fell down your cheek.
"No it's not, I'm a fucking mess," you continue, more tears starting to fall. "Why can't I figure out my damn body, why does it always catch me so off guard? It must be so weird living with me," you cry, everything tumbling out in waves.
"Y/n, listen to me. Everything is okay, I'm gonna get you to bed and you'll feel better tomorrow, I promise. You are not weird to live with, you're wonderful to live with. Are you hearing me?" he asks, moving your face up to make eye contact with him. "How did I get so lucky to know you?"
His kind words only make you cry harder, and you can't stop even as you get up from the toilet and try to steady yourself. He opens the door and picks you up again, carrying you finally to your bed to lay down. In bed your body feels heavy, like you're made of lead. You haven't felt this tired in a while, and you think sleep might envelop you immediately. But the pain radiating down your thighs and up through your stomach is too bad, and you toss and turn, unable to relax as Yunho readies himself for bed.
"Y/n, what do you need?" he asks, seeing your constant movements and pained expression.
"My legs to stop hurting," you mumble. Without even opening your eyes you raise your arms out to grab at him, even though he isn't right there. Your body is moving desperately again, and something about being with him in this room makes you loose all inhibitions. "Please make them stop hurting Yuyu," you plead.
"What would help, baby?" he asks, his body feeling electric. He moves over so you can grab him; he'll follow any request you have, do anything for you.
"Touch me, again, please," you beg, your thighs and pussy aching. Yunho again grabs a towel for you, gently placing it down on your bed and smoothing it out, lifting your hips to move you onto it. You keep making little sounds of desperation, unable to stop yourself. 'I know, I know, just relax baby,' he whispers to you, watching the way your face softens at the pet name. Soon your lower half is entirely naked, and he's massaging your legs, gently brushing past your cunt a few times, making you mewl from neediness. He wants to make you feel better but he also likes seeing you like this, likes hearing you beg for him. He wasn't prepared last night for what it did to him, and he thinks he's probably already addicted to that feeling.
Finally he slowly pushes a finger in, making you moan and sigh, the relief instant. Your reaching out to pull at his face, pulling him in to kiss him hard, your breath mixing as you open your mouth to slide your tongue across his. You moan at the feeling, his tongue wet and hot, making your clit throb. 'More,' you plead, your body feeling even more opened up than the previous night, even more ready to take everything he can give. He slowly adds a second digit, not wanting to hurt you, but he can tell your desperation is high and you're needing to be well and truly fucked. 'More, more,' you almost cry, your cunt clenching hard onto his long fingers, your hips rocking to match his movements. He inserts another finger, moving slowly again as to not hurt you. Desperately you claw at his back, hands reaching underneath his shirt, leaving marks in their wake. Yunho groans at the feeling, his own cock throbbing at how needy and wet you are. 'Faster, please,' you beg. The little sounds you let out are making him harder and harder; he starts rubbing himself against your leg as he fucks you with his fingers, his cock so hard it's starting to feel like torture.
"More, please Yuyu," you beg again, tears forming in your eyes from how good it all feels.
"More fingers? You feel so tight baby," he asks you, barely able to move his hand with how hard you're clenching down on him.
"No, need you inside me," you babble, feeling how hard he is against your leg. Yunho slows his movements a bit, propping himself up on his elbow to talk to you. He wants nothing more than to fuck you right then, but there's just one problem.
"Baby, I didn't bring any condoms with me," he huffs out, his frustration obvious.
"You should have," you whine, turning your face away from him but still moving your hips against his hand.
"How was I supposed to know this was gonna happen?" he asks, laughing.
You just whine again, eyes even more teary now at the thought that you might not get what you want, and you move your hands up to cover your face. Yunho stops his movements when he sees your disappointed face, sitting himself up to look down at you. He takes his free hand and gently brushes a hair out of your face.
"You really need me to fuck you right now?" he asks, earnestly. You nod your head, looking at him through the gaps between your fingers, your lips in a pout. Yunho groans and throws his head back, your sweet and needy face making him want to do every dirty thing he can think of. "Okay, I'll be right back," he says, slowly pulling out of you. You whine in disappointment, your pussy feeling devastatingly empty. "Just sit tight for a few minutes, I'll be right back," he says, kissing your forehead.
After cleaning off his hand Yunho walks through the cabin, trying hard to go unnoticed as he passes through the living room to the master bedroom. Everyone still seems to be awake except Hongjoong and Seonghwa who lay cuddled on a couch together; Wooyoung and his cousin Yeosang are playing what appears to be a very heated card game of some kind, while the other boys watch or scroll their phones, everyone clearly winding down for the night. He's thankful to not see Ari or San present; they must be in their bedroom as he'd hoped. His heart races from how potentially awkward this interaction could be, but he feels like he's on autopilot and there's no possibility of turning back. Not when you had begged him like that, and looked at him the way you did. There was no way he wouldn't find some sort of solution to his problem.
He knocks on the door gently, hoping he's not disturbing a private moment between the two.
"Yeah?" he hears Ari ask, sounding sleepy.
"It's Yunho, can I come in for just a sec?" he asks, trying to sound casual. He doesn't want to raise any alarm bells for them, or for any of the boys in the living room who might be overhearing. And if it had just been Ari, or one of the other friends he'd known for so long it might not feel too awkward. But there are three new people on the trip this year, and he isn't sure how comfortable they would be.
"Yeah, come in," she responds. Yunho turns the door handle slowly, hoping to avoid making any loud noise. Slowly pushing open the door, he spots San in the chair in the corner, reading over something on his laptop in front of him.
"Hey, sorry this is, well, random. Do you guys happen to have a, uh, condom I could borrow?" He spits it out, not wanting to waste a second.
"Oh, yeah, uh, let me see what I've got," San replies, closing his laptop and setting it on the bed before unzipping a small pocket in his suitcase. "Here just take this box, I brought two with me," he responds.
"Are you sure?" Yunho asks. He's frankly taken aback by how casual San is being about this, and by his generosity on top of it all.
"Yeah, of course. I've got plenty and I'm glad you're asking. It's always better to be safe," he responds, a genuine smile on his face.
"Be careful with her," Ari adds, unable to stop herself. "She's very fragile."
"I'm not going to hurt her, you know that," he replies, looking at her almost coldly. He feels slightly offended at the idea that she thinks it's a possibility, after all of the years she'd known him, seen him taking care of you.
"I know. I just had to say it, she needs all the protecting she can get," she says, remembering the state you were in during dinner. "I'm sorry if that was rude. I'm- I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to ask us," she finishes, hoping she didn't cross some sort of line with him.
"She's very capable of asking for what she needs," Yunho replies, wanting to stick up for you. But his face is soft, he isn't mad.
"Which is, that?" Ari gestures at the box of condoms in his hand, trying to hold back laughter.
"Okay, that's enough," Yunho laughs, looking away from her towards the door. "Thank you both, sorry if I made that weird."
Out the door he makes his way through the living room, trying to hide the box under the hem of his shirt. Mingi is the only one who glances up to see him, registering the shape of the box underneath his shirt. He's pretty sure he knows what it is, and he smirks to himself, too tired to say anything about it. But he's happy his friend is finally getting what he's wanted.
"I'm back," Yunho whispers when he reenters the room, your face and body awash in the gentle white light from the moon. He makes quick work of opening the box, removing one condom and throwing it on the bed. In a second he's on you, peppering your face with kisses, moving his hands underneath your shirt to pull it off.
"I'm so bloated," you say, breathless.
"I need to see you," he responds, not giving you any room to keep talking about yourself that way. You tug on his shirt as well and he reaches up, pulling it off and throwing it on the floor. In the moonlight he looks pale, his long torso perfectly shaped and beautifully lean. You bring a hand up to stroke along his stomach, feeling the strong muscles underneath his skin, brushing across a small happy trail going down from his belly button into his pants. You tug on his pants too, your neediness having only grown in the few minutes he was gone. The idea of laying stark naked in front of anyone, especially in your bloated, sickly state would normally make you shudder, but in this moment you feel free, ready to take anything. He moves down to kiss you again, passionately, his tongue forcing you to open your mouth wide, his hands possessively grabbing you. Him kissing down your neck has you moaning, nearly writhing underneath him. He moves up to whisper to you, biting your earlobe gently and making you moan louder.
"You're so perfect," he whispers, the words cascading down you like a soft warm rain, any worry you had completely melting away. You tug at his pants again, helping him move them down and finally, completely off. Quickly he rolls on the condom; carefully he lines himself up with your entrance, moving his stiff cock up and down our slit, already feeling how warm and wet and ready you are. Finally he presses in, achingly slowly, until he's fully seated inside of you, the muscles of your cunt being deliciously stretched in a way they never have before.
He's big to be sure, clearly just the perfect size, stretching you just the way your body needed. Slowly he pulls out, then soothingly pushes himself back in, his cock hitting every perfect place inside you. Your mouth falls open at the feeling; you've never felt so full, so complete. He moves a hand down to your hip, anchoring himself so he can start a slow rhythm, his head buzzing with how good it all feels.
"Baby, you're so tight, fuck," he says as he tries to find a consistent pace. "Does that feel good?" he asks, eyes not leaving your face.
"Yes, yes, fuck, Yunho," you mumble, not able to form a coherent sentence.
"Relax for me then, you're so tight I can barely move," he says, trying to find the perfect angle to make your body completely give in. Quickly he readjusts himself, moving his knee to lower his angle, adding more strength to his movement. You moan, clearly feeling even better than before, so he knows he needs to lower the angle even more. "Baby, lift your hips for me," he says, grabbing a pillow from beside you to move underneath your lower back. Once you're situated he kisses you again, acutely aware of just how surrendered you are to him, words no longer forming on your lips. Slowly he adjusts his knee again, his hand still on your hip anchoring you, and he begins fucking you again from his new angle.
The immense pleasure is immediate, your back arching and your head rolling back, your moans so loud you're probably being heard throughout the rest of the cabin. But Yunho doesn't care, he's not thinking about that. All he's thinking about is the way he feels your pussy pull him in even more, your hips and thighs finally relaxing some, your whole body reacting to his change in movement.
"Shit, there you go," he praises you, feeling your legs wrap around his back, pulling him in. He's been so careful with you, so focused on not hurting you, but he can tell you need more, so he starts fucking you harder, his face nuzzling in your hair to take in everything he loves about you. He can feel the muscles of your pussy start to clench again, but it's different this time; the flutter against his cock drives him crazy, making him thrust into you even harder. Soon he feels the muscles clenching hard, your moans reaching their peak, your hands a vice grip on his arm and back.
"Good girl, let yourself come," he coos, holding you as close to him as he can, kissing your cheek and nose. It's the most heated moment, he feels himself about to come undone too, but suddenly he's overcome with fondness, a warmth flowing through his chest, making him feel emotional.
"Fuck, I love you." The words tumble out of him without warning and your own chest warms, just as your orgasm starts blooming through you, your legs shaking as Yunho continues to fuck you. You're moaning and mewling, unable to say a single actual word, but you wish you could tell him just how perfect everything is, how you haven't came like that, ever. In the heat of the moment everything felt right, and to hear him say something so sweet just as you reached your climax made it all feel even better. His tight grip on you, the way he's nuzzled into your body, it makes you feel safe and grounded and so fucking horny.
Yunho comes just after you do, his thrusts becoming inconsistent, his body going taught and then absolutely limp on top of you. You both breath deeply, your chests heaving in the quiet coolness of the room. You wish you could bottle this feeling, the way your body is limp and buzzing with pleasure, his weight on top of you making your usually busy brain filled with nothing but the feeling of him. It feels peaceful, almost spiritual. You both rest for a few minutes, not moving a muscle, except when Yunho reaches over finally to kiss you again, making you giggle.
"How are you feeling?' he asks, still not daring to move.
"So good," you slur out, a dopey smile spreading across your face.
"Good," he replies, wrapping himself around you like he loves to do. "Can I pull out of you?" he asks.
"Mhmm," you respond, moving your legs to allow him to move. He cleans you up and helps you redress, stopping every few seconds to kiss you again, tickling you too when he realizes you're in the mood for it. It takes a while for you to come back to yourself, your mind so foggy from everything that had happened. But finally, once he'd gotten you both totally ready for sleep and wrapped himself up behind you, you found you could actually speak.
"I love you too," you whisper, squeezing his hand that rests on your belly. He just cuddles you closer, letting out a huge sigh of relief.
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THE MOON SAYS HELLO. . . ā ā ā ā ā ā ā ā åŖč”å»»č¹; geto suguru x fem reader ā ź° . . part one of three ź± . . . word count; 3.6k
ā¹ ā ā despite his insistence on never falling in love, suguru fails to stop himself from becoming smitten with his best friendās beloved. youāve become a flicker of hope in his darknessā though youāre someone who can never and will never be his to have and to hold.
series contains; if gojo didnāt kill geto n geto was given a chance to redeem himself, redemption arc!geto, human caretaker!reader, kind of e2l but also not really, love triangle, gojo x reader, fluff, major angst, heartbreak, wedding at the end, swearing probably, geto refers to humans as monkeys per usual author's note; rewritten fic, will be 3 parts in total (i'm half done pls be patient w me im a slow writer...)
YEAR ONE, DAY ONE
His face is sore. So sore. Itās red, swollen, and sore after heās spent the last three hours screaming in frustration with his current predicament. This is absurd, Satoru shouldāve just killed him when he had the chance. Getoās lost count of how many times his palms have slapped his own face; over and over again with wishes that he can wake up from this hellish nightmare the higher ups call ārehabilitationāā though he can somewhat still recall the first slap that heād given himself around the half-hour mark. Heās got a pretty good memoryā¦that doesnāt stop him from hoping his veins arenāt too noticeable as they angrily protrude from his forehead in crimson currents.
Heād rather be dead than imprisoned like thisā¦like an animalā¦like one of those damn useless monkeys.
The intensity of his wails continue to bounce off of the barren wallsā barren aside from the dark mark heād punched in earlierā and echo like a party of lost ghouls in the bottom of an empty well. Geto feels like a mad man.
Heās only just begun his isolation and heās already growing mad with boredom.Ā
A huff escapes his lips as he plops himself down onto the twin-sized bed thatās nestled in the corner of his so-called āsuiteā. With linen sheets and a dark maroon comforter, itās almost a cozy living situation; in another life, Geto could imagine himself cuddling beneath the covers with his favorite book and a soft record playing in the background for some ambience. That world is far far away now. Even if he asked for a record player, he doubts the higher ups would grant him one. Heās their most valuable prisoner, and theyāre sure to keep him as miserable as possible until heās one-hundred-percent pure hearted once more. However, despite their reluctance to grant him the things he wants, these arenāt the worst living arrangements heās ever encountered and he knows that Gojo did his best to give him the best commodities he could toā¦wellā¦a highly dangerous criminal.Ā
This is the only path to forgiveness, he reminds himself, constantly trying to be optimistic about the utter absurdity of it all.Ā
Optimism hasnāt been his specialty in a long time; anyone with a working pair of eyes would be able to deduce that, and he despises it. Heās quite rusty with the characteristic and has looked on the darker side for a while nowā but wishes that he could be as reckless as he once was as a teenager. He can vividly remember how loud his laughter was with Gojo and Shoko, laughing as they chased each other throughout the school yard and using each other's cursed energy to their advantage in games of tagā but that would be near impossible now. His two best friends can barely look him in the eyes after the treason heās committed. Gojo views him as a ticking time bomb and Shokoās healed too many people to count that heās harmed.
If he stepped one foot out of this room, he believes heād be smothered on sight.
The Jujutsu Society fears Geto Suguru..
ā¦and Geto Suguru fears himself.Ā
In all fairness, he deserves everything thatās come to him. What he did was awful; mass murdering humansā¦trying to murder even more humansā¦harming innocent studentsā¦starting a war during the holiday seasonā¦the whole gist. There are obviously bad actions from the past that continue to haunt Geto to this day and will continue haunting him so long as he breathesā but thatās all it is nowā¦the past. He wants redemption. He needs redemption. If Gojo managed to reach clarity within Getoās awful decisions, then maybe he can too.Ā
Geto wants to get better, to be betterā¦not only for Gojoā¦but for himself.Ā
This is exactly why he and his best friend has devised a plan, one that will hopefully help lead Geto on a better pathā a five-year path that will only be completed if he truly wants it to, and a half a decade seems like quite a bit of time to most; but for Geto, he doesnāt know if it will be enough.Ā
For Satoruā¦do it for Satoruā¦
He wraps his arms around himself in an attempt to comfort his heart that beats with fear every second of every day. Itās been so long since heās been hugged by another, and he doubts heāll ever feel that love and comfort from someone in his life. Itās the first time in a long time that heās been alone with his thoughts with no one else to turn to; and if heās being honest, thereās nothing in the entire world that scares him more than his own mind.Ā
āGeto Suguru?ā
He doesnāt recognize that voice.
The soft sound comes from seemingly nowhere, startling Geto with a slight jump. Whomever it is sounds frail and weak, obviously intimidated by whom theyāre going to be in the presence of in mere minutes; and Geto already finds nothing but annoyance at his new companion. Of course theyāre going to have prior judgment. He bets you already hate him for the rumors and stories. He doesnāt really have a choice whether or not you come in, though. Gojo insisted on a caretakerā someone to talk to so he doesnāt go insane by himselfā and Geto will do anything to make his best friend happy. So, he stands up and dusts his pants off, making sure to look more presentable, and stalks towards the entryway. His hand meets the knob, yanking it open, and ready to meet the stranger on the other side.Ā
Standing before him is you, a woman around his age. You canāt possibly be older than twenty-six, but perhaps youāre a few years younger. In your hands are various sweets and snacks that Gojo knows Geto loves, balancing on a silver tray that shines more light in the room than heād care for. The reflections dazzle straight into his eyes, blinding him briefly with a scowl on his face. Of course Gojo would know to send you in with his favorites. Heās so predictable. His best friend is less surprising than he thinks, causing Geto to roll his eyes to the top of his head; though he appreciates the kind gesture. Itās far past dinner, though. Gojo mustāve struggled to convince the others to allow him a proper meal.Ā
āDonāt just stand there, monkey.ā Geto commands whilst gesturing to the small dining table in the center of his confined space. āCome inside.ā
The instant you stepped into his presence, it was horribly noticeable that you have no cursed energy. Zero. Not a lick of itā¦and he struggles to hide the disgust with his body language. He canāt help but be annoyed that a monkey such as yourself is going to be in his company for the next five years.Ā
With his distaste for you clear as day, he pulls out a chair for himself and disregards the kind option of pulling out yours prior; expectantly looking towards you with the expectation that youāre going to serve him his meal like a servant.Ā
āWell, monkeyā¦ā he trails off disinterested, āIām waiting.ā
You hustle towards him, quickly and efficiently placing the special grade sorcererās meal on the placemat before him and taking the empty seat opposite. Thereās a small breath youāre holding in, Geto can see it in your throatā itās suffocating you with fear for your life as your fingers lightly tap the dark wood in a nervous fit.Ā
Youāre completely pathetic. As if a monkey would ever have the courage to speak to him. This is ridiculous.
His hands slam against the table with a loud bang. āWhat are you doing?ā he questions, heavily interrogating you as you cower in your seat like a meak mouse. āDoes Satoru expect you to monitor my meals?ā
He really is nothing but a prisoner, isnāt he?
āWhat damage could I possibly do with this slob thatās been served to me by the scum of the earth? Start a food fight in the halls? Overthrow the Jujutsu world with a biscuit?ā (If that is the case, in your defense, the biscuits are quite hard. There must be a new kitchen hand in training who based them.) This is a horrible day.
As Geto impatiently awaits your answer, a deep breath escapes your lipsā perhaps a way to soothe your heartbeat into something less than a record-breaking speedā and you attempt to focus your stress and fear into a fleeting moment of zen. Your large eyes shut for a total of three seconds; one, two, threeā¦before opening again. This time, as his own eyes make contact with yours, theyāre shining with slightly more confidence than before as you swallow hard and settle your gaze on Getoā the look in your eyes evolving from that of anxiety to empathy.Ā
āActually,ā your lips rise into a thin smile, āGojo Satoru didnāt send me here, the higher ups did.ā
Your eyes search Getoās for any signs of discomfort or inner rage that could be boiling beneath the surface of his poker face. It appears that heās grown even stronger at hiding his true emotions towards humans; however, you can see through the veil. Yes, itās thick and difficult to brush past, but thereās a slight opening in the center that you peek insideā and what you can see in his heart is a man who simply wants to finally do whatās right.Ā
āThe higher ups are aware that Gojo Satoru has a soft spot for youā hell, everyone who knows your name is aware that when it comes to you, he has no reason. He has no right of mind. Iām only here to monitor and report your progress in an honest manner. Thatās it. Thatās all. I promise I wonāt intrude on your life more than necessary.āĀ
Shit.
āIām sorry, Geto Suguruā¦but youāre stuck with me.ā
Itās as if his left and right sides are arguing between themselves. His good conscience says that he should give you a chance, perhaps you could be different than the monstrous humans that attempted to kill his beloved Mimiko and Nanako; while his bad conscience tells him to let out one of his cursed spirits to devour you where you stand. Listening to his right side would definitely get him his best case scenarioā¦a chance to see his girls againā¦but the left side would be so much more enjoyable. Oh well. At least the higher ups sent someone somewhat his age and not an ancient and decaying corpse like themselves. Thatās a disgusting thought. Heād rather be hugged by a hundred humans than be forced to befriend a higher up. A shiver runs through Getoās spine as a newfound appreciation for you is birthed within him.
āDo you have a name?ā Geto taunts as he begins to pick at his meal, slightly disgusted with the stale quality of some of the snacks but nevertheless thankful that he at least has something to subside his aching hunger. āOr should I just call you āmonkeyā as I do with the rest of your kind?ā
That sound?
Youāre laughing?
Your giggles are surprisingly pleasant to Getoās ears as they harmonize into a song that he can imagine himself listening to each morning. Why did you find that funny? He was quite literally insulting your entire existence. Geto is dumbfounded by the strange humor you seem to have, considering that he was being entirely serious with his question. Humans are so strange. Heās never really been able to understand how your peoplesā minds work, but perhaps he could begin to learn the basics. Itās not like he has anything better to do, and some entertainment would be nice.Ā
Heāll keep you aroundā¦it wouldnāt hurt and you can be his companion kind of like a pet.
Pets are cuteā¦
ā¦your smile is cute too.
You smile once more, answering his question with a blush on your face. āPlease,ā your cheeks redden, āCall me by my name, Suguru.ā
YEAR ONE, DAY NINETY-FOUR
āYouāre late.ā Geto crosses his arms over his chest, exhaling a large breath of air in a loud and annoyed huff as he attempts to seem seriously angered by his new friendās awful timing.Ā
Itās nearly twenty minutes past the time that you were supposed to be here; emphasis on supposed. Heās been waiting with his eyes staring at the clock, watching it tick and tick as the time passed by with no you knocking on his door. Thatās twenty whole minutes of time in which he was forced to entertain himself rather than listen to your rambles and rants about whatever the latest scandal is in the outside world. You love that pop culture gossip stuff that social media and magazines rave about, and in a weird way, you somewhat remind him of his daughtersā personality-wiseā¦not attraction wiseā¦that would be weird.Ā
Over the past few months, Getoās grown severely accustomed to the daily routine that youāve developed, becoming so fond of you that he strangely pictures your smile and recalls your laughter when you arenāt even here. Friendship is a funny thing. He doesnāt think heās ever had a friend like yourself; yes, Satoru will always be his closest confidantā¦but his relationship with you is different in a way that he canāt quite put his finger on. Heās never considered anyone else the highlight of his every day like he does you. Your company is the kind of presence that he overwhelmingly enjoys; with such a positive and warm nature exuding comfort to Getoās loneliness, and your judgment-free outlook on life rivaling his pessimism in a perfect mixture of negativity and optimism. He wishes heād met you sooner, perhaps when he was a childā and if he had, maybe he wouldnāt have turned out the way he did.Ā
Itās too bad you wouldāve only been an awful human to him back thenā¦he wouldāve called you his infamous nickname without batting an eyeā¦a monkeyā¦
ā¦a mere monkey whom he never ever thought heād develop unwanted feelings for.
For his entire life, Geto always told himself not to fall in love. That love isnāt real. It isnāt obtainable, not when there are people like Satoru in the worldā people that you canāt help but loveā and then people like him; people who you canāt help but hate. With that being said, heās never necessarily been looking forward to any potential love matches in his future.
ā¦no matter who he was involved withā¦
ā¦until he met you.
āSorry about that, Suguru!ā you hustle through the doorway, your appearance a tangled mess with dusty dirt particles littered with gravel.Ā
Thereās a large scratch on your right cheek, not deep or in danger of infection in any way, but noticeable enough that heās able to see it from a distance. Knowing you, itās most likely accidentally self-inflicted in some sort of way; you being notorious for tripping or snagging your skin on the sharp end of a table. How do you always manage to be so uncoordinated? Geto canāt help but let out a short laugh, his eyes scrolling up and down your body and taking in your entire appearance, dirt and all. You even manage to make dirt look good. What the fuck? He hates this.
Your voice carries on as you approach him. āI was running on time, but then I saw this adorable shop downtown and I just had to make a stop.ā The overexaggerated tone you hold is amusing as your hands wave through the air in a physical storytelling of your experience. The skin of your cheeks is flushed red from your sprint through the city, looking beautiful in resemblance to that of a blooming rose.Ā
Geto can feel his own face heating up at the sight of you, choosing to shrug nonchalantly in an attempt to seem as if he doesnāt care at all about your dilemmaā¦
ā¦as if he doesnāt care about every second of your everydayā¦
ā¦as if your overall excitement isnāt the only thing that truly keeps him going nowadays.Ā
āYou tell me these things as if what you do outside of this room matters to me.ā He hopes his words mask his rising blush. (Spoiler alert: They donāt.)
Flawlessly, you brush off Getoās phony disinterest without the slightest acknowledgement. Itās as if the phrase had never even left his lips, with no evidence and proof of insult. This isnāt an uncommon occurrence when the topic of what you do when youāre not with him comes up in conversation, as the prisoner typically tries to ignore his interest in your daily shenanigansā and you canāt deny that it hurts. Most of the time, it feels as if Geto never actually listens to anything you say, and you were able to quickly realize that in the early weeks of your arrangement when the pain began to torment your heart; ripping and shredding it to bits with every eye roll and mocking scoff. You donāt seem to matter in Getoās point of view. He doesnāt careā¦at least thatās what you believe.Ā
In contrast to Geto, youāre an emotional spiritā you crave love.Love is all youāve ever wanted, needed, and desired. In your time with him, youāve developed inklings of feelings as well. However, youāve chosen to let your feelings grow and blossom out of the dirtied patch of grass they were planted inā ignoring the warnings every single person in your life has given you in advance. Despite that, Geto continues to stomp on your budding flowers. He takes a heavy watering can, filled to the brim with hose water, and drowns your garden in the tears that you shed in the privacy of your bedroom. Those tears that are a never ending waterfall due to the fact that you know it isnāt your job to fall in love with your client. Your duty to Jujutsu Society is to help Geto learn to love humans and sorcerers as one in the same and to gain the trust of his community once moreā not to love you.
āOkay, before you judge me, at least give me a chance to explain myself.ā Stumbling towards Geto, you accidentally trip over your own feet in embarrassment, and proceed to hold out a single flower not yet in bloom. āItās freshly cut. I saw a bouquet in the window and it caught my eye, because it reminded me of you; but I knew youād hate a flashy bunch of them so I just bought the one.ā
It reminded you of him?
Taking the gift into his own hands, Geto studies it intensely.Ā The rose is a dark shade of red, crimson, or scarlet depending on your vocabulary. The petals are a brighter color while the plushness near the stem turns dark, more sinister as it approaches the thorns lining the sides. Just by looking at the rose, he can understand why it made you think of him. Itās gorgeous, but practically untouchable figuratively and literally. Thereās only one angle that he can hold the stem at that doesnāt prick his fingers. Ouch. And he just did the very thing he was being so careful of avoiding.
All his life, heās never been the kind of person who longed for gifts or compliments, but when coming from the right personā¦perhaps he is.Ā
Whilst he struggles to come up with a replyā a simple āthank youā or āi appreciate thisāā you mentally applaud yourself as youāve finally found a way to make him speechlessā¦
ā¦but your praise for yourself is short-lived.
He canāt be weak. Not even for you.āI guess itās not terrible.ā Geto throws the flower to the ground and lightly kicks it away with his right foot. As one of the beautiful petals drifts away from the lonely flower, he turns away, not being able to endure the heartbroken look on your face and the offended rose on the floor. Why does he have to be like this? āIām sure that garbage is all a monkey like you can afford anyways.ā Why is he so cruel?
His eyes clench shut as he hears the door begin to close. Youāre so gentle even when upset. He admires that about youā youāre the calm to his ever-raging storm, the sailor to his tsunami, and the lifeboat to his wreckageā youāre the most pure-hearted person he knows, and you donāt deserve this awful anger he holds within him.Ā
Is heā¦crying?
As tears begin to drip down his cheeks, Geto collapses against the wall with his knees buckling beneath him and his weight crumbling down to a pile of patheticness. Heās just a shell of a man undeserving of someone like you. Soft sobs escape his lips and silent cries fill the hollow room, absent of your joy, crying out until he notices the faint outline of the young rose beside him. With the flick of his hand, he snatches the flower off the ground and lifts the thorny plant with careful handsā finally and truly understanding your meaning behind the gift. This is how you see him? Heās dreadful and hurtful to others on the outside, prickling kind people away with his thornsā¦but when encouraged and supported, he has the potential to become something beautiful.
Someone that could one day be compared to the beauty that is of a blooming rose.Ā
With the budding rose in his grasp, Geto sits alone. He realizes that heās only able to become that person with the help of you. Youāre the only person that has even come close to seeing him for who he truly is; aside from Satoru youāre the only person who would think of giving such a gift to the number one enemy of the Jujutsu world. Youāre the only person who heās ever come to feel true and honest romantic love towards.Ā
Geto has to become better. Not only for himself and Satoruā¦but now, for you.
āāāā ā thank you for reading! reblogs are greatly appreciated! āāāā ā i promise i'll post the next 2 parts soon pls be patient :3
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