#ben drowned my beloved real
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#ben drowned#creepypasta#ben drowned arg#behavioral event network#benjamin lawman#ben drowned story is the best thing to ever happen to us#ben drowned my beloved real#eat yo food bitch damn! fuck you lookin crazy for!#ben drowned creepypasta#ben drowned plushie
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Creepypasta pride headcanons because its pride month
i dont think im gonna tag this since its just personal hcs and i rarely include my personal lgbt hcs in my normal posts shrugshrug.. asides nina, i use my personal hcs for nina in normal posts because those hcs are so deeply ingrained in how i perceive them LMAO notes: not an x reader post, VERY short post, as mentioned above the only character hcs that effect my main writing is ninas hcs the others so not control my normal x reader posts that get requested! if any characters have confirmed identities from their creators LET ME KNOW! i dont keep up with stuff outside of the original stories!
SLENDERMAN
doesnt really do labels and doesnt really know any. he does know that there are different identities but its not really anything that matters to him. responds to any pronouns though! grayromantic, or even aromantic, same with sexual attraction!
SPLENDORMAN
knows about identities and labels a bit thanks to interacting with humans! is fine with any pronouns but defaults to he/it/they! pansexual demiromantic! hip hip hooray!
TRENDERMAN
similar to splendor with the "knows identities and what they are/mean" thing. primarily uses he/him pronouns but sometimes uses it! attracted to men and masc presenting folk! asexual
JEFF THE KILLER
trans female to male, uses he/him pronouns! bisexual king, has no real preference i think... not much to say here! a lot of these are going to be short!
JANE THE KILLER
i hop between headcanoning her being lesbian or bisexual with a HEAVY lean to women. alternatively i can see her being a lesbian who IDs as bi/unaware that they arent actually attracted to men. uses she/her pronouns
BEN DROWNED
little guy
LAUGHING JACK
knows about labels and stuff but jack personally is unlabeled and just doesnt care about putting any names to how he feels. responds to any pronouns, perhaps GNC because he has many interests that are usually associated with both genders... attracted to all genders, develops crushes easily so i dont think he falls under the aro spectrum if he were to pick any labels
EYELESS JACK
unlabeled for the most part but he does have "maybe" identifiers to help communicate what he knows he likes/identifies as! uses he/they pronouns, demiromantic! attracted to both sexes, fine with dating all genders
LAUGHING JILL
demiromantic lesbian, demigirl me thinks! uses she/they/it pronouns
NINA THE KILLER
genderfluid and uses any pronouns at any given time, truly does not care how you refer to them! pansexual
MASKY
demiromantic and asexual uses any pronouns but tends to use he/it :)! no preference for gender in terms of dating
HOODIE
panromantic and demisexual, i think! him and masky are probably the least developed in terms of these sorts of hcs so these hcs are likely to change! uses he/it pronouns though tends to default to he/him
TICCI TOBY
uses just he/him pronouns, i think hes questioning a lot of his stuff and for the most part just labels himself as questioning. exploring isnt really his priority, he kind of just lets what feels right guide him when navigating relationships! can see him being a demiboy but not knowing of the label/being aware... but on the other hand he gives such trans man vibes.. double headcanon like jane- i can see toby as either or! we love multi sets of hcs in this house
Edit: Toby's confirmed bisexual let's fucking GOOOOO!! Question/unsure to bisexual pipeline by beloved + my personal experience (I no longer ID as bi BUT!!!!!)
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📓 :3
you don't mind if I talk about my post war-games jamie fic do you <3
so. at what point does a doctor who fic become so divorced from doctor who fdjkg. this fic is my beloved child And my nemesis and it may never get written because I a) need to fill out an entire village worth of characters and b) will never feel like I've done enough research. all my pages of notes are not enough I need to send myself back in time
but here's the principle. jamie gets sent back in time at the end of the war games, and finds himself back in the aftermath of culloden. his memories of how he got there are a bit hazy - but battles do that to people, right? nothing to worry about. he finds a mark in the ground left behind by the tardis, and wonders what happened to two and ben and polly. he's in better shape than he should be, considering everything. but he's alive. and now that he's alive, he's got bigger things to worry about. disillusioned by everything that happened at culloden, he turns down the offer to go to a rendezvous of jacobite soldiers hoping to resume the rising in favour of going home.
he arrives home to an empty house, with his mother having gone to stay with her family rather than stay alone with the government army so close. but he fetches her home again, and they start trying to rebuild their lives as the only surviving members of their family in amongst all the destruction being brought by government soldiers. as time goes on, though, the threats to their livelihood and culture change - shifts in landlord-tenant relations and the banning of highland dress, for instance. along with social pressures from within their village and the tensions still simmering between government and jacobite supporters.
in amongst all this, though, jamie knows something's not quite right. and it's not just shellshock. because there's a ring on a cord around his neck that was never there before, and scars he doesn't remember getting, and knowledge he shouldn't have, like the ability to read. so he's trying to hold his old life together against immense outside pressure, while at the same time questioning his own identity, dealing with the slow onslaught of grief from realising he's been stripped of his memories and his friends, and utterly failing at making himself feel like he wants a future here anymore.
at this point it's also a queer story. both thematically (in terms of jamie trying to reconcile who he is with who other people want him to be, the desire to break away from a restricted home town to be somewhere where he can feel like himself) and textually (he's slowly remembering his relationship with two and the understanding he built of himself over his travels, and actively denying the heteronormative gender roles of his period and culture - it's interesting, for instance, that through his whole run jamie is clean-shaven, when in his time that would have been a sign of social immaturity. he's actively rejecting those gendered expectations). some months later kirsty returns from france to take care of her father's estate - as a woman she's relatively safe from punishment by the government, and they're concerned about their lands being seized in her father's absence. she returns with her girlfriend, masquerading as an attendant, and when jamie sees smoke rising from their house's chimney and goes to see who's there, he walks in on them together. he and kirsty eventually decide to get married because they feel safe with the other having no expectations of them, and the stir caused by their class difference would drown out any suspicions of their queerness. she functions as a support for him and a tether to his own time, but also a reminder of who he really is, because she met two and he feels he can be honest with her - as well as having her own journey.
so it's kind of about the real history of the aftermath of culloden and kind of about what jamie went through waiting for two and kind of about social change in the highlands above and beyond repercussions for the '45 and kind of about being queer in that sort of environment and kind of about grief and kind of about hope. the love you can hold for a place and its people while feeling that you can't possibly stay there any longer. and at it's end, it's about jamie getting a second chance to make the choice to go with two, in full awareness of what he's doing this time, and being able to say that as much as he loves his home, he belongs in the tardis.
ask me about an unwritten fic plot!
#replies#ettelwenailinon#you get a long one. because i love you. and i love to inflict Situations on you <333
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Would you write some soft Kylux about Kylo comforting Hux after he has a really bad nightmare about losing Kylo?
There’s no real mcd at all in this fic!
Kylo’s death isn’t glorious. It isn’t deserving of one with such immense power as him, it isn’t a Knight’s honourable death. He doesn’t die on a battlefield amongst the enemies he has slaughtered or in his TIE Fighter darting through the wreckage of X-Wings. There’s no blood, no pain, not even a body, but Hux still sinks to his knees as he watches his Ren die before his own eyes. The sodden ground of the Endor moon ruins his trousers but he doesn’t care, too occupied with the feeling of his heart shattering at the scene before him.
“Don’t go,” Hux whispers in a shaking voice as tears fall, his arms clutching at Kylo’s fallen mask as though hugging it will bring his lover back.
But Kylo is gone, a traitor now wears his skin. In Ren’s once-proud place stands Ben Solo, still dressed in Kylo’s dark robes but with his helmet and lightsaber cast aside into the mud as he reaches for Skywalker and General Organa’s hands, his mother and his uncle here to bring him home. They’re both smiling at Ben takes their hands in his own, holding on tightly to them in relief, but with his back to Hux, Hux can’t see Ben’s smile too.
“Kylo, please,” Hux begs. The use of his old first name makes Ben turn around, and Hux sees a flash of Ren in those deep, brown eyes for just a moment as though begging to be saved from the smothering light of his family’s suffocating influence but Organa tugs on his hand and refocuses his attention back on them, drowning Kylo’s darkness with her light. Hux feels a stab of pain through his chest.
“Don’t look at him, Ben,” she says, using her free hand to reach up to touch his cheek. It sickens Hux to see her acting like this; a failed mother’s facade. “Don’t listen to him. Kylo Ren is dead.”
“I know,” Ben says calmly. Hux doesn’t recognise his voice anymore.
“No!” Hux grits his teeth, hugging Kylo’s helmet closer against his chest, sobbing. “No! Ren, come back, please!”
“Let’s go home, my boy, to where you belong,” Skywalker leads the way back through the dense forest, leaving Hux kneeling alone in the falling rain.
Hux can’t find the strength to yell. Everything he has is being taken away from him in the Skywalkers’ hands—literally—and he’s left with nothing but Kylo’s helmet and a broken heart. He presses his forehead down against the cold metal of the mask and cries, his body drenched in rainfall. He’ll spend an eternity here in the spot, kneeling in grief at the loss of his one true love—
“Armitage? Armitage!”
Thunder rumbles and lightning strikes above the forest, frightening Hux to his core and making him jolt to look up to the skies, expecting to find himself looking up to falling rain but instead finds Kylo’s worried eyes staring at him and the soft, comforting hum of the Finalizer’s engines. He’s sat up in his bed, eyes wide and horrified, his body twisted in the black sheets as though he’s been kicking and struggling. A warm and familiar body is pressed against his side, a comforting hand on his shoulder. It was all just a dream—
But Hux’s rapid breathing consumes his senses all of a sudden, now aware of the tears on his cheeks and the reality of his nightmare. It could happen. What if it’s happened already?
“Tidge. Tidge, come on. Breathe with me,” Kylo’s voice is saying but all Hux hears is the haunting ‘I know’ of Ben Solo.
“R-Ren?” Hux gasps, taking hold of Kylo’s hands, albeit difficultly with his own trembling and sweating hands. “Don’t go, don’t leave me—”
“No words,” Kylo shakes his head. “Not yet. Just breathe, okay? Slowly.”
But Hux can’t breathe. How can he, when this may be Ben Solo beside him and not his beloved Ren? What if the traitor has snuck into Hux’s bed and drowned Kylo in light whilst they’ve been sleeping? What if Skywalker and Organa are plotting Kylo’s death this very moment? What if—
“Tidge!” Hux holds his breath, finding a pair of rough but familiar hands on his shoulders, pressing down enough to calm him. He exhales shudderingly and blinks a fresh set of tears away onto his cheeks, doing nothing but look into the soft brown eyes of his lover. “Stop, stop thinking so loudly. It’s me, I’m here. I’m yours.”
“Ren?”
“Always,” comes Kylo’s reply, soft and warm. He moves his hands to Hux’s cheeks and holds him, both staring deep into the other’s eyes. “It was just a nightmare.”
Hux sighs in sheer relief, sniffling. He presses his hands over Kylo’s upon his cheek and holds on like their interlocking fingers are anchoring him.
“I dreamt—“
“I know,” Kylo says calmly. Hux knows that voice. “I felt your distress in my sleep. You were tossing and turning, crying out my name. I saw your dream, Hux, and it would never happen.”
“You don’t know that,” Hux closes his eyes, seeing Ben and wanting to kill him. “Ben’s family—“
“—Are not my family,” Kylo interrupts, kissing Hux on the tip of his nose. “You are my family, Hux. No one else. Ben Solo is dead, never to return. I killed him myself long ago. His family may think otherwise but they’re wrong. There’s no Light left in me, no Solo or Skywalker or Organa. Just Ren. All yours.”
Hux begins to cry again but with relief this time, throwing himself forward at Kylo to hug him, knocking them both down onto the bed. Kylo catches him and hugs him tight, enveloping Hux’s lithe form in his strong hold and shielding him from the nightmare that still lingers in his memories. With a simple call upon the Force, Kylo radiates soothing and warm feelings into his lover’s mind to calm him, content when he feels Hux’s trembling body begin to relax in his hold.
Hux sighs, safe in Kylo’s arms. The silk sheets drape themselves over them with the help of invisible hands
“Don’t leave me,” Hux can’t help but whisper as he listens to Kylo’s heartbeat, his head upon his chest.
“Never,” Kylo replies, gently kissing the top Hux’s head. “Never, Tidge.”
And Hux believes him.
#kylux#no mcd!!!#what if leia and luke put that nightmare in hux’s head to weaken him? weaken kylo?#maybe put doubt in kylo’s head about where he belongs#but lol no#kylo is evil#and hux is evil#and theyre in love and evil together
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Rule/Guidelines & A bit about me
To start, I’ll share my rules. My rules are simple;
Please read what I will and won’t make content of before requesting something.
If you’re a minor, don’t interact with my sexually explicit content. I’d like to keep my blog and non-sexual content free and open to everyone.
Read my trigger warnings and use caution. My writing, unless stated otherwise, tends to be very unpleasant, realistic, and triggering. It can be harmful so please please use caution when reading my content, and don’t force your way through it.
My ask box is always open, please be kind.
You can submit anything you wish, as long as it isn’t straight porn. I find pornographic content of real people uncomfortable and I do not wish to see it.
Now that the rules are out of the way, here’s what I will or won’t draw/write for:
Art:
I’ll make art in most any medium you wish, whether it be digital, painting, ink, pencil, or a paper craft. I’m pretty open to making art and experimenting with different things.
The only medium I don’t do it sculpting. The materials and tools are expensive and hard to get for me and, while I would love to be able to try it, I just don’t have the resources and money for it.
I’ll make art of most anything, whether it be a real person, a fictional character, an oc, an object, or even a scenic picture. The only thing I draw the line on is art of real people who’ve done horrible things.
Writing:
I’m open to writing many things on my own but I limit what I write for requests. The writing I do on my own is a form of venting or self-indulgence and, as such, I can’t always make content of the same quality for a request regarding the things I write for. As such, the things I’ll be listing will be relating to requests and not my writing as a whole.
These are all subject to change as I’m constantly changing interests.
Since I first wrote this post I’ve added quite a few characters on each list and removed some as well.
I won’t write requests for anything relating to: feet, piss, or vomiting fetishes, pregnancy, rape, abuse, self-harm, drug/alcohol use, torture, and really just anything that could be harmful.
Other than that I’ll write for most anything else.
The characters I’ll write for:
Creepypasta: Jeff the Killer, Jane, Homicidal Liu, BEN Drowned, Dark Link, Eyeless Jack, Clockwork/Natalie, Hoodie/Brian, Masky/Tim, Bloody Painter/Helen, Puppeteer/Jonathan, X-Virus/Cody, Rogue, Hobo Heart
Boyfriend to Death: Rire, Sano, Cain, Ren, Damien, Akira
Possible additions to come: Degrees of Lewdity
Art Masterpost List
(I’m still setting up my writing content so a writing masterpost list isn’t available yet, but it is in the works. I’ll post it when I’ve got more varied works out)
Now, if you’re still with me, here are some things about me:
My name is Valen, or Val. I’m a 21 yo genderfluid panro ase. I accept any and all pronouns, though I prefer he/him or they/them pronouns. I’m working to become an artist and creative writer.
I’m a pretty open person and a good listener. I have zero shame. I’m not very social in person, in fact I’m quite shy and anxious around new people, but online I make a point to communicate with others. I enjoy having active followers and making conversation, don’t be shy, feel free to converse. If I call you “love”, it is a form of endearment and a sign of friendship, nothing more, nothing less.
I’ve been in the creepypasta fandom for years. Even when I felt less of a pull to it, I was still reading things here and there. It’s been a form of comfort to me and has inspired quite a bit of my original writing works. The character that’s had my heart from the beginning is the beloved rat man, Jeff the Killer. I don’t know what it is about this man that’s got me so devoted but he’s got my full heart.
My intro to the btd fandom was fairly recent in relation to other fandoms but I grew hooked fast. So far I’ve loved most all the characters but my favorites would have to be the emo sadists Sano and Cain, as well as the sweet bois Akira and Ren. My favorites of the four is constantly changing
Feel free to talk, request, and enjoy my content~💜
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Heat of the Moment
@thisisartbylexie got a reylo prompt for a kiss in the heat of battle (which came out amaaazing) and It made her think of the POTC moment between Will and Elizabeth when they legit get married and kiss during the fight scene lol. She prompted me to write something like that for Reylo...and I very happily did. 😁
This was not going exactly how they’d planned. The small army of Resistance had been admittedly blindsided by the number of stormtroopers the First Order still had at their disposal. They’d walked right into the trap, and now they were stuck battling their way out.
That was the hope of course, but Rey was beginning to feel less than optimistic.
She glanced over amidst the raining blaster shots, Ben catching her eye in the chaos. He was so gorgeous like this, turning and blocking and bringing the enemies down with the jab of his lightsaber or just the strength of one arm. It occurred to Rey that perhaps she shouldn’t find him quite so breathtaking in a moment of such violence...but he absolutely was.
Things had gotten so crazy after Exegol. Good, but definitely crazy. There were still battles to be fought and Ben had to work harder than she could have ever imagined to redeem himself in the eyes of the Galactic Republic. She and Ben would steal away moments together, but they truly were just moments, as well as being few and far between. They wanted everything that two people could possibly want with one another...a whole life together. Ironic that it was life that seemed to so constantly get in the way.
Something surged in Rey at that moment as she watched Ben; a clarity and decisiveness that she’d been lacking. She knew what she needed to do.
Rey made her way over to him on the battlefield, fighting her way closer.
“Ben!”
His eyes met hers even as he swiped off a blaster wielding arm.
Rey finally got within arms reach and grabbed him. “Ben, marry me. Right now!”
Ben seemed to freeze for a half a second, staring at her in shock.
But the moment didn’t last, and Ben reached behind her, running another stormtrooper through who was approaching. “I dunno, sweetheart, this seems like a real bad time!”
They spun around, blocking more oncoming attacks before Rey could face him again, her eyes searing into his.
“What if this is the only time?! I’m done missing chances with you...Ben, I love you!”
His lips parted to speak but once again they were forced to separate and continue defending themselves. A moment after though, Rey felt him spin her round again to face him.
“I love you too!”
Rey grinned at him as she saw Ben’s eyes darting around the battlefield.
“Poe!” Ben screamed over her shoulder. “You need to marry us! Right now!”
Poe shot them a look that would have made Rey burst into hysterics if she hadn’t been forced to get back to fighting.
“Are you two kriffing insane?!” Poe screamed back. “I’m busy not getting killed!”
“Poe, just do it!” Rey yelled while ducking from blaster fire. “You’re a general, you’re the only option!”
“Fine! You two better pay attention because I’m only saying this stuff once!” Poe took a couple of shots. “Dearly beloved! We are gathered here to-”
Ben and Rey fought their way close to each other as much as possible while Poe rattled off his part, which took a few minutes to get through.
“Ok, now say something mushy to each other so I can finish this!” Poe yelled.
“Rey,” Ben started, shoving a stormtrooper out of the way. “I started falling in love with you the second I saw you on Takodana, and a part of me knew I would even before that. I called it something else for a long time because I’d forgotten what real love was, but you showed me. And now I know I’ll never stop...loving you.”
Rey lunged against him to stab at an approaching attack drowning in his gaze as she did.
“Ben,” she whispered, breathless from the fight or the look in his eyes, she couldn’t tell. “All my life I wanted to feel like I belonged, to stop feeling alone.”
Ben suddenly whipped her around and Rey instinctively reacted in perfect timing, fighting off the newest bunch of oncoming stormtroopers. He swung her back around again for them to face each other.
“All that time, it turned out...I was just looking for you,” Rey gasped out. “Now I finally feel whole.”
Ben whirled, yelling at Poe again.
“Wrap it up, Poe!”
“I now pronounce you…” Poe ducked and shot. “Husband and wife! You may now-“
Poe dove for cover, having to scramble back to his feet again as Ben and Rey strained to hear him while fighting off their own attackers.
“You may now kiss-“ He stopped again, kicking another stormtrooper away before clearly losing his patience. “Just kiss, ok?!”
And by that time, Poe wasn’t the only one losing patience. Ben grabbed Rey around the waist, pulling her in tight against him and crashing his lips into hers.
Everything else faded away. The two of them melted into each other, deepening their kiss while simultaneously blocking the incoming shots behind each other’s backs. In that moment, nothing could touch them, as if their shared passion had created an impenetrable field of safety.
Though they both could have stayed like that all day, Ben did finally pull back, eyes brightened in a way that made Rey’s heart melt.
“Now I know we’re getting out of here,” he panted, releasing his hold on her.
“Oh yeah?” Rey asked while turning, placing herself in a defensive back to back stance with him...her husband.
“Yeah, like you said,” Ben replied over his shoulder, and Rey could feel his warmth without even turning to look at his expression. “I’m done missing chances too.”
#reylo#reylo fic#POTC inspired#lexie continues to fuel my reylo fire lol#check out the art if you haven’t already!
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prompt 11: are you sure about this, please.
When Callum steps out of the shower that morning, the sun is just beginning to claw its way over the city, heat filling the tiny bathroom as it blazes orange and bright. There’s a note stuck to the back of the door in Ben’s loopy handwriting.
Don’t be too long, I’ve got your favourite breakfast on the go. Ben xx
Callum towels at his hair and quickly dries himself off, grabs for Ben’s dressing gown from one of the hooks on the door, the soft grey one that he’s come to love.
At this time, their tiny kitchen is dusted in a blush of pinks and oranges, the sunlight waiting idly at the window. Ben’s skin glows in the light, a constant flush clinging to his cheeks, his collarbones and his elbows and knees. Even after all these years, he’s the most gorgeous thing Callum’s ever seen. The sky, with its sun and moon and star, ain’t got nothing on Ben.
Ben doesn’t say much when Callum shuffles into the kitchen for breakfast, but Callum doesn’t think anything of it, his boyfriend won’t ever be a morning person. Instead, he just hums a quiet sound of appreciation as he eyes Callum’s attire and plates his breakfast up. Pancakes, with a heap of Nutella.
“Your table manners are horrendous,” Ben says, as Callum wipes a lump of chocolate from his bottom lip, and then he’s standing up, picking up the newspaper on the counter before sitting back down across from Callum again and pushing it towards his plate. “Here, read this.”
“Uh, thanks,” Callum says, placing it off to the side of the table. “Why?”
“Hey, you’re supposed to actually read it, y’know,” Ben frowns.
“But I’m not finished eating yet,” Callum says slowly, his eyes slow and steady on Ben’s as he forks at his pancakes and then bites off a piece.
“No, Cal, come on,” Ben says, picking up the paper again and pushing it towards him. “There’s this really hilarious bit at the back, you know, on that announcements page, some lad in the dog house, trying to apologies to his wife. Classic, I’m telling you.”
“Alright, alright,” Callum makes a face, laughs despite himself, eyes bright and smile a little mischievous, bitten down between his teeth.
He flips open the newspaper, keeps flipping and flipping until he’s near the back, because that’s where Ben said the funny bit was.
“I still ain’t sure anything more important than food,” He says, and he can feel Ben’s eyes on his face, skin burning with something anticipated.
“Just—just read it, will you?”
Callum sticks his tongue out at Ben, but does as he’s told because it’s Ben, and if Ben thinks he’ll like it, he knows he will. Scanning down the page, he starts to grin because there it is, right there in small print beside a little turquoise bullet point.
Callum reads it out loud, following the words with his finger.
“To my wonderful wife Lily, I would like to apologies for forgetting to feed your seven—seven—beloved goldfish whilst you were away. I’ll make it up to you,” Callum finishes, and then he grins. “Oh, Joe in Manchester really is in the dog house, ain’t he? This is gripping news, honestly, thanks for sharing.”
“Shut up,” Ben laughs, eyes glowing, skin flushed. “Keep reading. There’s more.”
“Alright,” Callum sighs, moving onto the next one. It takes a moment for him to remember where he left off, but then his finger is back on the words, and his voice is falling out into the room, slow and sleepy.
“Callum,” he starts, and then pauses, his eyebrows furrowing together in concentration. “Uh, I can’t imagine my life without you. And I don’t want to, either. Will you marry me?” He finishes, eyes burning and blurring all the words and colours together, white noise filling his ears, heart in his throat. “It says, from Ben—Ben in Walford.”
When Callum dares to glance up, Ben is looking down at the ground, fingers pulling on a loose thread of table cloth, shaking, his chest rising and falling steadily, mouth pressed in a thin line. It’s as the first few chords of You & Me Song start to crackle through the speaker, that he finally speaks.
“Sounds like a charmer, that Ben.”
“Ben,” Callum says, his voice slow, choked and thick, as he glances back down at the paper, running his finger over the words again. Will you marry me, marry me, marry me. “Ben, look at me?”
And, with that Ben lifts his eyes back to Callum’s own, gentle and warm, dampening in the corners, with something behind, something new and so familiar all at once. Callum feels everything around him go a little fuzzy, the second they look at each other, the whole room turns into an electric field. He wonders if Ben can see how fast his heart is beating, how hard it’s thumping against his ribs.
“Yeah?” Ben whispers, so quiet and flushed.
“Are you sure about this?”
Ben stays quiet for a moment, just watching Callum with careful, cautious eyes, full of stars. The stereo is still whistling behind them, sounds of you and me, always, and forever, filling the air, and a buzzing warmth runs through Callum, oozes from his heart into his limbs and fills the whole room.
“Yeah,” Ben says finally. “Yes, I want you in my life forever, Callum.”
There’s a moment, then, suspended, where they’re just staring at each other with blinding smiles. Calum’s entire face hurts, his eyes leaking beyond his control now, but he can’t stop it, can’t push it down. He doesn’t want to.
“Marry me?”
Every single nerve ending in Callum’s body lights up, blood pulsing through him in a mad rush, a mad scramble, to process everything bright and unexpected, like fireworks. Because this doesn’t feel real, that’s the thing. He’s loved Ben for so long—loving him like he’d die if he didn’t, like he’d drown if he couldn’t. His love forBen was like a private constellation, at first, a star growing inside of his belly, bigger and bigger until the light spilt out onto his tongue. And the light stayed, shone brighter with each day, unable to hide itself from the world, and it’s here right now, and it’s making him nod, frantic and rushed like there isn’t enough time in the world for this moment. “Yes.”
“Yes?” Ben repeats, chokes a little, eyes widening, but his smile, well, it could power cities.
“Yes,” Callum says again, just to taste it. And then he says it once more, just because, because it’s the answer to every question that Ben could ever ask. Will you always love me? Will you stay with me forever? And even past that? Yes, yes, yes. “Yes, I’ll marry you, Ben. Shit.”
The room seems to freeze when Callum speaks the words, and they just stare at each other for a moment, a moment that’s all silent and sun-filled, a clock ticking somewhere in the house, the music drowning out. Callum makes sure to catch everything, tucking pieces of this moment away in his memory, the shutter of his mind clicking in grainy snapshots—the way sunlight shifts over Ben’s face in soft patterns, his eyelashes casting shadows across his cheekbones, the stray tear tracking down his face like a pearl drop, his mouth is slightly parted, bottom lip bitten red raw with nerves. And suddenly, pathetically, Callum wants to kiss him, never stop kissing him.
Ben takes a step forward, says, “Cal,” and that’s all it takes, really.
They kiss messily, so fast, too fast, tongue and teeth and thudding hearts.
“I love you,” Callum chokes out. “Ben, you—you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
There’s that dizzy feeling again, like he’s on a slow-moving carousel and everything around him is blurring in and out of focus, leaving just him and Ben and the slow morning sun, him and Ben and the humming of the birds, him and Ben and the rest of their lives.
“I love you too,” Ben gasps out between kisses, pressing in hard. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long. Marry you.”
“Ben” Callum says again, because he can’t say anything else.
“You have no idea,” another searing kiss, a hot press of their bodies, “how much you mean to me.”
“How could I not?” Callum says, then he’s exhaling sharply as Ben bites at his bottom lip, laughing into Callum’s mouth as he kisses back, fast and then faster, Callum’s body becoming nothing but a kaleidoscope of sun and stars and blood, blood buzzing through his veins like static, buzzing in his ears, so loud that it’s nothing but a swimming sound that spells out Ben, Ben, Ben.
“Oh, wait—” Ben says, his voice sudden, rushed.
Callum blinks, frowning as Ben shoves his hand into one of his back pockets and pulls out a little black velvet box. Callum stares at it for a moment, and then the reality of everything rushes into place, and he laughs, loud and bold. “Ben—”
Ben makes a face. “It’s what I’m supposed to do, isn’t it?”
Callum nods, still giggling. “Well, yeah, but like—”
“Just shut up and give me your hand, would you? I don’t have all day.”
“Yes you do,” Callum says, but he holds out his hand anyways.
And there’s a moment where Callum literally thinks his heart stops.
It’s the moment when Ben opens up the ring box and the silver inside catches the light of the sun, and Callum suddenly realises that this is real, this is real life and he’s going to marry his best friend in the entire world.
“Shit,” Callum breathes, his voice barely a whisper.
“What do you think?” Ben asks suddenly, voice careful and cautious.
“What’s this on the side?” Callum questions, eyebrows furrowed down at the ring.
“Oh,” Ben says, a flush flooding his cheek, he looks embarrassed, almost. “It’s our initials, look.”
B + C. Forever.
“Ben,” Callum says, a little dazed, mouth wet and eyes fuzzy. “That’s—I love it. It’s perfect. You’re perfect. I love you”
Ben smiles. “That’s good to know.”
When mouths touch again, and it’s molten, soft and melty and everything, Ben’s bottom lip caught wetly between Callum’s own. He has to let out a shudder of a breath, toes curling up so hard it hurts as Ben’s fingers gradually start to twist in his hair, pulling him closer.
“I want this too, y’know, always have,” Callum starts as Ben’s lips leave a train down to his collarbone. Callum fists a hand in the back of his jumper, pulling him in close, close, closer. “I want you forever, in this life and maybe even the next one.”
“What d’ya mean, maybe?” Ben teases.
“If you still look as good, I mean,” Callum finishes.
“Hm,” Ben ponders, “well, I’d still love you if you were the sun, and I was the moon, y’know?”
And that, that hits Callum right in the core of his heart, feels it twisting and thumping with emotion. He lets out a little huff of teary laughter, smiling blearily through it as Ben continues. With every word, he feels everything around him swirling, soaring. “You’ll never feel like you’re alone again, Callum,” eyes earnest and purposed, smiling around the words. “I’m your home, and you’re mine.”
They’re forever, him and Ben. This moment, right now, began years ago, with that first look, that first touch, and they’ll be in this moment forever. There won’t ever be an end to this feeling, or an end to the two of them. Not even when they’re gone from the world, because Callum knows that whatever happens, they’ll find each other in every world, up in the sky with the rest of the stars or in the next life.
They’re forever, perpetual, infinite.
#here you are lovely!#sorry its stupidly long again!#i hope its okay lmao idk where this came from!!!#ben x callum#ballum#eastenders#mywords#asks#yasisworld
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25/35 reddie.
Let's go take two. Sorry anon, I'm writing this on my phone so it's short and tumblr are the first one. This actually... let's call this director's super cut for the everything has changed verse.
The constant drone of the breathing machine, the click of the I.V. and the steady beeping of the heart monitor had all but blurred away in Richie's head. The hospital in Bangor only allowed two at a time and, since he refused to leave his side, the rest of the Losers took turns. At this point, they were more keeping an eye on Richie than Eddie.
Richie added the 21st Sharpie tally mark to Eddie's wrist, contemplating giving him a full sleeve of tattoos. Instead, he held Eddie's right hand between his gently. Bev sat to his right, tracing small circles over his shoulders. "Squeeze my hand if you can hear me," Richie coaxed, pressing a kiss to the other man's thumb. "Come on, Eddie. Give me something." He lifted his hand, careful not to disturb any of the wires and tubes. "Eddie, I've never gone this long without hearing your grating, snippy voice." Bev watched him sadly. Three weeks had elapsed since their boss battle with It. In that time, Richie had gone to extremes trying to get Eddie to wake up, even though he understood that it was medically necessary for him to heal. "I'm going to lick your face and I haven't brushed my teeth in..." he paused, realizing he couldn't give an actual number, settling on "a long time. Please." He closed his eyes and rested his head on their entwined hands. "Please, Eddie," he whispered, a prayer to the only entity he'd ever worshiped.
Leaning into him, Bev's voice quivered. She hadn't been surprised in the least when he finally broke down and told each of the Losers the truth about his relationship with Eddie. The minute they met up in the parking lot of Jade Of The Orient, she could tell. If they were hiding it, they obviously had their reasons. "Richie, honey, come on," she cooed, trying to walk back the breakdown she could hear coming. "The doctors said..."
"Look, Bev, I love you," he said, a little shorter than he'd intended, turning to face her sharply, but with no malice, just exhaustion. He slid his glasses up onto his head and closed his eyes. "but please don't go there. I know what they said." They said if he wakes up. They said if the swelling goes down. They said if it had been an inch higher... They said if so many fucking times that Richie thought he would rather fight the next person who said the fucking word to him than listen to another hypothetical situation.
"You can't do this to yourself," Beverly said, combing her fingers through the mess of curls his hair had become. "We got him out. He's safe."
Richie choked out an incredulous laugh. "Safe." That took some nerve. Safe would be their bed, 3200 miles from Derry. Safe requires the person in question to be awake. He couldn't believe her. "You of all people should understand." Watching his friend blink at him, he sighed. "In the deadlights... I saw him die." A sob escaped with his admission, forcing him into another fit of tears. "I saw him die and we left him there. You guys dragged me away and I couldn't fucking do anything." He vaguely registered Bev's arms encircling him, but that was little comfort to Richie. "I came to and he was on top of me and I did everything I could. He still wound up kebabbed. He still..."
"I know," she said, resting her cheek against his head.
"Do you?" he snapped. Bev moved back instinctively and he regretted it immediately. "What if it was..." Watching her shift uncomfortably at the suggestion, he merely grumbled, "forget it." He was so fucking tired. He nodded his glasses back down onto his nose and returned his gaze to Eddie.
She swallowed thickly, thinking the whole situation through. "If it was Ben?" If it was Ben... she thought what would have happened if Pennywise had slit his throat while she and Mike held him. If he'd drowned in the dirt, grasping for her hand. She couldn't have handled it. She couldn't even imagine if they'd been together since they were kids. "It's different. It's new," she admitted, finally agreeing that his reaction wasn't so far fetched, "but I'd be inconsolable.
"Exactly. So stop wasting your breath," he said, unable to bring himself to look at her. She got to go back to the Townhouse, crawl into bed with good ol' Haystack, feel his arms around her, wake him up when she has a nightmare, kiss him, talk to him...
Likewise, Bev couldn't look at Richie. She had no reason to feel guilty, but still... Staring at the too-even rise and fall of Eddie's chest, she shook her head. He wasn't dead. He was there. "Look. Watch the monitor," she instructed, pointing to the jagged lines of his heart rate. "He's alive," she reminded him gently, sliding one of his hands up to Eddie's wrist. "Feel right here. His heartbeat is right here and you're not imagining it. He's not going anywhere." She regained the courage to look at Richie. "They're gonna start weaning him off the meds in the morning, so he should be awake by dinner tomorrow." Richie sniffled unevenly, nodding. "Why don't you come back to the townhouse and get some sleep." She suggested, returning her hand to his shoulders. "Shower. Eat real food. He's gonna need you in good shape when he wakes up."
Blinking out the last of his tears, Richie shook his head, knowing that she was prepared for him to decline, like he had every night. "I haven't slept anywhere but beside him since we were seventeen. I doubt I could even if I wanted to."
"Richie..."
"I'm not leaving," he repeated.
Bev sighed, standing up and straightening her back. "Okay, honey. Okay. Call me before you go to sleep." She leaned across him and kissed Eddie's cheek gently. "Love you, Eds." On her way by, she stopped and wrapped Richie in a tight hug, kissing the top of his head. "Love you, Trashmouth."
He gave a humorless laugh, and reached up to pat her hair. "Love you too."
That night was the slowest one since the first couple, when everything had been touch and go. He called Bev around 12:30 and swore he was going to sleep. He didn't. Instead, he watched cheesy, nostalgic movies on his phone, all Eddie's favorites; Dirty Dancing, then Pretty in Pink. He marked the 22nd tally as Duckie sent Andi off after Blaine, the only part of the movie RIchie couldn't get behind. Still, Eddie had told him he loved him for the first time to the strains of the song from the end of this movie so he could never shut it off. And it had been 22 days without talking to the love of his life. 22 soul sucking days. Eventually, he dozed off about two-thirds of the way through The Outsiders.
All-too-soon, he was awakened by the bustle of shift change and nurses doing their thing and the whole process started over. Around 8 a.m., the morning nurse came in. Richie had hardly noticed, in a sort of daze.
"Mr. Tozier?" she asked, quietly.
Snapping back to reality, he nearly dropped Eddie's hand. "Oh, sorry," he said, shaking the fog from his brain. Eddie really needed to wake up now.
"You're fine," she insisted, bringing a bag of liquid to the stand by the bed and a handful of small bottles. "Just scoot back for me a little, please." She hung the bag and screwed it into Eddie's I.V. line, then affixed the bottles.
Squinting to make out the labels, as though he'd have any idea of their purpose, Richie decided instead to just ask the nurse. "What's that for?"
She smiled and put her hand on his shoulder. "To start countering the sedative before we back it off."
Richie took a deep breath. "Okay," he nodded. His heart hammered in his chest. They were actually going to wake him up today.
"Can I get you anything?" the woman asked sweetly.
As though Richie was the one anyone needed to worry about. He shook his head and managed the weakest of smiles. "You're already working on the only thing I could possibly ask you for."
She leaned against the empty sliding table and eyed him carefully. "How about a coffee and a bagel?"
Richie paused. He hadn't eaten since lunch time the day prior, so it wasn't a bad idea. "I'd appreciate it. Thank you," he said, realizing that maybe Bev had been right.
If Richie had thought that night was long, he was in for the most torturously slow day. Nurses in and out. Medicines of all sorts. He didn't know what to do with himself, so he just... stared. Asked questions. Finally, the nurses administered the last of the rounds Eddie would need to wake up and Richie was left alone to his thoughts.
After two episodes of I Love Lucy, he leaned in as close to Eddie as he could. "Do you remember the first time we did this?" he asked, knowing there would be no response. "When you had your tonsils out and I snuck in like a fucking ninja as soon as I saw my beloved Sonia leave?" He gave a bitter laugh, imagining what good ol' Mrs. K would do seeing Eddie laid up like this with that dirty Tozier boy still by his side. "The woman couldn't manage to sleep in the chair for one night." He gave a mischievous smile for the benefit of no one. "But, experienced as I was in the art of finding ways to see my Eds, I sweet talked the nurse into letting me stay." He certainly hadn't done a great deal of sweet talking anyone this time. That had been Mike, plus a good deal of good faith from Bev and Bill. But he'd certainly known how to work adults when he was a kid. "I snuck you in a pint of real ice cream and we played gameboy in bed together and, even though I tried to get you to shut up, you couldn't let me do all the talking and even though it hurt, you still laughed and joked." He took a deep breath, realizing he was rambling. He stared up at the ceiling, blinking back tears once more. "God, and I thought I was in love with you then," he groaned. It was almost hysterical how he still felt like that same clueless teenager. "I don't know what 14-year-old Richie would think of 39-year-old Richie but I hope he'd enjoy knowing that he's still in love with you." He sniffed, giving in to the tears because what else was he supposed to do. He rolled his eyes, adding "He'd probably call me a pussy for all the crying I've done in the last three weeks but that's fine. It's normal. It's whatever," he dismissed darkly, voice thick and nasally. "He's a teenager. What the fuck does he know? Bug eyed little creep," he laughed, pawing the tears from under his glasses. "How to keep the person he loves in one piece. Something that apparently fades with age," he waited for a response again, mainly out of muscle memory. He stood and propped himself awkwardly on the edge of the bed. He took a much more serious, exhausted tone. "I need you to laugh, babe. I need you to wake up and bitch at me for my rumpled shirt and greasy hair and getting snot on you and crying and getting you stabbed in that fucking sewer." He sighed, leaning back a little to just watch him. He could have sworn he saw... he shook his head. That wasn't possible. It was wishful thinking. "Eddie, please," he started, but cut himself when he saw a pair of startled, panicked brown eyes staring up at him, gagging on the respirator. "Holy shit. Hi," he sobbed, stroking his side, momentarily at a loss for what to do. Suddenly, he refocused and remembered the nurse's instructions. Keep him calm and hit the emergency call button immediately. "Okay, stay calm, babe," he said, springing from his seat and hitting the bright red button on the remote for the TV. "We'll get them to take this out." He took Eddie's hand and stroked it, trying to ward off the look of sheer terror in Eddie's face. "Stay calm, okay," he cooed. Hearing footsteps outside the door, Richie called out frantically "Miss Kim!"
"What do you need, baby?" she asked, seemingly startled by the call. When she pulled back the curtain, she flew into action mode. "Oh! Mr. Kaspbrak, welcome back." Eddie choked a little against the machine and Richie felt his chest constrict. "Don't fight the tube, sweetie," she said warmly. "We'll get this out of here. Relax." Eddie locked eyes with Richie, then nodded and finally squeezed his hand. The nurse gave them a little smile, "Cough a couple times for me." Eddie, ever the good patient, did as he was instructed. Miss Kim raised a small hooked tool and pointed it out to the men. "This is gonna suck the fluids out. Okay?" Eddie nodded and coughed again. "I know, I know," she soothed. "Alright, I'm gonna ask you to take a couple of deep breaths, tell you to hold one, then when you push all that air out, I'm going to extract the breathing tube. Okay?" She was talking to Eddie, but for some reason, Richie nodded too, then admonished himself for it. "Alright. In." He did. "Hold." He did. "Out." He did. Miss Kim pulled the tube out and Richie had to try not to wince as he watched the outline of it move up his windpipe. "Attaboy," she said, nodding proudly and patting him on the shoulder as he caught his breath. "It's nice to see you. I'll let your husband have a minute before we continue."
"Hi," Eddie said, voice raspy and quiet.
Richie fought against the urge to fling himself on top of him, instead nearly collapsing onto the bed rail and grasping his hand. "Eddie. Oh my god. You're awake. You're alive. I was so scared. God, I love you. I love you so much. You're here," he babbled, unable to pry his eyes from Eddie's- God, had they always been that beautiful?
"Did we..." Eddie asked, then his eyes darted to the nurse.
Richie smiled broadly, then broke into wrecked sobs. "We did. It's over. Everyone's okay and It's gone. It's not gonna bother us ever again." He leaned his forehead against Eddie's, tears smattering down on him and he couldn't be bothered to care. "We never have to fight It again."
Eddie nodded slowly, taking the minimal information in. It was over. They won. "Will you shut up so I can kiss you?" he asked, wincing.
"If I'd have known that that was all it took to get a kiss out of you, I'd have been quiet as a mouse for the last-" From behind him, he heard Miss Kim laugh and blushed, nodding. "Sorry. I'm shutting up."
Richie leaned forward and let Eddie reach up into his hair, pulling him into a warm kiss that, if Eddie had noticed the taste of stale instant coffee or the slick of unwashed hair or tears still streaming down Richie's face mingling with the ones starting to fall from his own, he'd never mention it. It was, for his money, possibly the best kiss they'd ever shared. When he opened his eyes again, he caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of his eye. "What the fuck is this?" Eddie asked, laughing at the group of black slashes on his wrist.
Richie laughed, too. He couldn't even begin to explain the scattered mess in his head without Eddie to help balance it out. Instead, he kissed the inside of Eddie's palm, where the 27 year old scar no longer lived and felt himself relax back into the chair. They were free of It.
#reddie#richie tozier x eddie kaspbrak#richie tozier#eddie kaspbrak#it#it chapter one#it chapter two#it chapter 1#it chapter 2#losers club#derry maine#what is this canon of which you speak#eddie Kaspbrak is alive and well#bill hader#james ransone#finn wolfhard#jack dylan grazer#it 2017#it 2019
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guys please. WAITER WAITER MORE BEN DROWNED
waiting for more friccdarn art. I. NEED. MORE. COWBELL
#ben drowned#behavioral event network#benjamin lawman#i need more cowbell#i need more content#ben drowned my beloved real#ben drowned story is the best thing to ever happen to us#im starving i need more ben drowned content whether it be fanon or canon
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The Author’s Dossier: “Remembrance of the Judicator”
@doctornolonger and @rassilon-imprimatur have both used their Tumblr blogs to write fun and informative “spotter’s guides” to the miscellaneous references in their licensed Faction Paradox stories. And, though they are of course further removed from Who than the further adventures of everyone’s favorite time-traveling goth cult, the adventures of Lady Aesculapius are indubitably another spinoff existing on the edges of the extended Whoniverse, no matter what a certain Wiki maintains. Besides which, I thought, “this looks fun”.
So while there may not be as much to say here as there might in future entries (fingers crossed on the existence thereof!), here is, without further ado, the official author’s guide to Remembrance of the Judicator, my short story from the Forgotten Heroines of the 10,000 Dawns 2020 April Fools’ Day event, available for free here. Obviously, this detail-attentive reread will spoil what little there is to be spoiled in this tale, so you should probably read it first if you haven’t already.
Enjoy!
REMEMBRANCE of the JUDICATOR
We kick things off with a classic “Phrase of the Creature” sort of title. The Phrase even begins with the letter “R”! This isn’t anything new ([1], [2], [3]) to the Crew of the Copper-Colored Cupids series, but I’d be lying if I said that classic Doctor Who’s famous use of such titles wasn’t on my mind when I chose this one; in fact, one of Who’s most famous “Phrase of the Creature” titles used “Remembrance” as its Phrase.
And you know what? Much as we might all admire 1988′s Remembrance of the Daleks, I think my plot justifies the use of the term “Remembrance” far better than Ben Aaronovitch’s. What are the Daleks remembering, exactly? Or is it that some other party is remembering them? If so, who and why?
So I hope you’re happy with finally having a “Remembrance of the X” story where what the X remembers actually plays a big part in the plot. Because to do this, I gave up on “Prisoner of the Jud…icator”.
“So on the bright side,” began Ashlyn Oswin, straining against her bonds, “we're not back with the talking cats.”
Starting ruthlessly in medias res: now there’s a trick that comes more from Duck comics than from Who. 1950′s and 1960′s stories, be they by Carl Barks or Vic Lockman, had a tendency to open with splash panels of the main characters in a ridiculous predicament and trying at half-hearted banter despite the situation, which would then spark a flashback to how they’d gotten there in the first place. Not that I employed a flashback.
Because who has time for flashbacks when you can instead reference a delightful bit of Ashlyn Oswin’s official James Wylder-sanctioned story? In fact, that Ashlyn spent some time in a dimension of talking cats was one of the things in her condensed character bio that came with the submission guidelines for the Forgotten Heroines Takeover event. The story, if anyone’s wondering, is The Days the Cats Spoke, from 2015.
When Ashlyn says “we” aren’t back with the talking cats, is she just referencing that story and using a rhetorical “we”? Or did the Forgotten Heroines run into the same talking cats again at some point between Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot and the opening of this story? You decide!
“Everybody wants to be a c...” Miranda began to hum sarcastically. “Hush, you can't sing that here,” barked a guard.
It would be wrong to characterize Disney’s The Aristocats (1970) as a guilty pleasure of mine, in that actually, I wear my Aristocat fandom proudly. The Disney movies of the 1970′s are, I find, generally very underrated. They made up for the lack of showy big-budget effects with stellar character animation, great voice performances — and the earwormiest of earwormy tunes!
Pictured below: me, setting out to write this story.
Anyway…
“No copyrighted music, are we clear?” “If you think I give a damn about that sort of thing, you have another thing coming,” the mysterious traveller in all of narrative space only known as the Tourist retorted, trying to take a daring stance.
The Collective of the Retconning Crocodiles’ policies regarding recognizable songs turns out to be uncomfortably familiar to anyone who’s tried to upload a YouTube video lately. And significance the Tourist’s flippancy at the idea of caring in the slightest about copyright is, of course, immediately made obvious by a slight twist on that classic “mysterious traveller in all of Time and Space known only as the Doctor” line from the Doctor Who Target novelisations, and not-so-recently made hip again by Missy in World Enough and Time (2017).
In other words, as a first draft of Lady Aesc, the Tourist belongs to the same long tradition of riffs and remixes of the Doctor Who formula, divergent stories which are very much their own characters and their own stories, but who are also very conscious of being just different enough from old Theta Sigma that the BBC won’t mind. Copyright, to her, isn’t some scary taboo to be bandied about by scaly bullies, it’s an ongoing game of cat and mouse.
Could... specimens of... of whatever species she was... drown like regular people? Clearly they could trip like anyone else. Or get chained up by sentient crocodiles like anyone else. The real question was, could you drown in a Time Sewer?
Just what is the Tourist, aside from a lovable grimdark prat? “Not a Time Lord”, say any lawyers worth their salt; as much a Time Lord as I can get away with making her, I suspect is more like what the younger James Wylder who made her up originally envisioned. Just like Aesc herself, the finished version of the 10k Dawns riff on the aesthetics of the Great Houses, namely the Firmament, would end up striking a perfect balance of the new and the familiar.
But in the meantime, the Tourist’s crew can get confused about whether or not she has a respiratory bypass system, albeit not in so many words.
I had mentioned some time ago, via in-character blog comments, that the Crocodiles get about through, and reside in, repellant Time Sewers. A take-off on that whole “alligators in the sewers of New York” thing, don’t you know? But this was the first time I took my readers into them and elaborated at any length on how they work.
The Tourist and her merry crew had stepped out in search of the fluid leak that was so rudely interrupting their lackadaisical rampage through the slice of omniversal reality known as the 10,000 Dawns, and been immediately set upon by—
Wait, liquid from the Sewers clogs up the Black Pyramid’s systems, and their response is to go out to look for a leak? Well, I’m sorry. But then, how else could I work in a reference to the reason that a certain rip-off of the Tourist had for stepping out of his own Ship back in Dr. Who and the Daleks (1965)?
If Pathway had been here, there might have been some hope. Things seemed to get suddenly more serious when Pathway was around. Possibly because of the katana. But, alack, Pathway was not here, being busy following a probable wild-goose-chase for a Numbered connection in Dawn 789.
In James Wylder’s Prototype, another story in the Forgotten Heroines Takeover which ran before mine, but which I hadn’t read when I submitted Remembrance of the Judicator, we see Pathway squaring off against one of the Numbered whose designation is… 789. Here’s the scary thing: I swear this is a coincidence. Dawn 789 was just supposed to be a random Dawn and I had no idea quite what the “Numbered connection” really was.
(Or did Wylder add that detail to his draft in reference to my story, even though his story happens first and was released first? Who knows!)
“You've kept us alive, so clearly we're valuable to you.” “You're not talking to a Centro stooge, you know,” Ashlyn muttered with a glare in Shona's direction, which was rather impressive as they were tied back-to-back. “Maybe these guys aren't even capitalists.” “I should say not!” grunted the Crocodile, waving its spear closer to them. “We are in fact a Collective! The Collective of the Retconning Crocodiles!”
Shona, like many other characters in the 10,000 Dawns series, has spent a significant of time fighting against the tyranny of various versions of Centro Systems, a world-spanning megacorporation who, in a lot of the Dawns, acts as a world government for whom capitalism isn’t just an economic system, but an actual political philosophy.
The Crocs aren’t meant to be actual communists, of course — in their case, Collective is to be taken in the more sci-fi-oriented, “Hive” sense of the word. But the joke was too good to pass up. And anyway, whatever they are, they’re not capitalists either, even if they do try to make people sign contracts.
“Oh? Isn't this part of the 10,000 Dawns?” Miranda asked with a disappointed pout. “We were rather heading for the 10,000 Dawns here.” “Yeah, we had a whole thing going,” Ashlyn concurred.
The “heading for the 10,000 Dawns” made more sense back when I imagined that this would be the crew’s first adventure after escaping the draft universes, rather than the last before the finale.
Still, it all worked out: my story ran immediately after Alex Wakeford’s Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot, where some enemies whose tech has more than a little in common with the Crocodiles’ accidentally sent Ashlyn to a certain battlefield in what was clearly the bona fide Doctor Who universe. And of course, White Canvas (2018) established (if it still needed establishing) that this world isn’t part of the 10,000 Dawns, though it has had contact with them.
So maybe, just maybe, Miranda is actually talking about their having been on their way back to the Dawns from Earth-5556…
“I'm only a humble guard,” the Retconning Crocodile answered, “I'm sure I wouldn't know.”
Wholly meaningless reference to a beloved bit of Doctor Who dialogue? Or a hint that however the Time Sewers work, it’s similar to how Gallifrey in the Stasis Cube worked? Who knows! …Not me.
“Ugh! I know!” she cut it off moodily. “But don't say it in front of them!” She gestured at Shona and Ashlyn. “Miranda's like me, but they — they don't understand metafiction the way I do.”
Take it away, The Inexplicable Adventures of Bob:
“Behind those shades and that too-cool-for-school attitudes, you're just another intruder.” “I am far more than just another intruder,” answered the woman with the pyramid. “I'm the Tourist.”
The only direct allusion to Remembrance of the Daleks in this story, title aside.
(“You’re just another Time Lord!” “I am far more than just another Time Lord.”)
“Even if I had ever been human,” the Tourist answered through clenched teeth, “which by the way isn't admission one way or another—my method of travel would have turned me into something... more than human, one way or another, by now. Also, shut up, didn't you hear the reptiles?”
When Doctor Who decided to retcon, in 1969, that the Doctor was from an alien civilization that only coincidentally resembled humanity, perhaps the most intriguing piece of canon that was lost was the suggestion in The Evil of the Daleks (1966) that it was the Doctor’s travels through Time and Space which had made him “more than human”. At the end of the day, that is where the EDAs’ concept of biodata got started, too, I think.
“A little chaos between friends is a wonderful thing,” the Tourist boasted.
Not only is the Tourist a bit of a Doctor clone, she’s an unwieldily sturm-&-drang, “darker and edgier” Doctor clone. Sound familiar? Yep, the Tourist thus finds herself (nearly) quoting Sacha Dhawan’s Spy Master from Spyfall (2020).
“Not in the eyes of the Firmament it isn't,” the Head Crocodile boomed, thumping his staff against the marble floor for emphasis, and the four realized that it had retconned itself into having held a staff all along, just so it could do that. “Don't you see? They'll never allow your wanton interference to stand. Before day's end, I expect they'll press a massive Reset Button on the entire thing. The entire thing.”
I think it was the idea of Lupan Evezan (@drleevezan), in The Frost King’s Treasure (2019), that the Crocodiles would have technological gizmos at their disposal which have the names of, and the ability to effect, various popular tropes. A literal Red Herring which briefly makes anyone who looks at it think it’s a major clue in whatever mystery they’re trying to solve, that sort of thing. Case in point…
(Do the Firmament also call it a Reset Button, or were the Crocodiles just phrasing it in a way that would make sense to them? I’m not the person to ask.)
“Hold on, you're just quoting the Judicator's introduction paragraph in the original 10,000 Dawns webnovel, aren't you?” the Tourist interrupted, unimpressed.
And they are, too.
“No!” cried the Head Crocodile as all the other members of the Collective collapsed back into him.
See what I meant about the sci-fi sense of Collective? The Crocodiles are plural, but they aren’t really a set of actual individuals, or at least not all of the time. Someday I’ll write a story explaining this in more detail.
“To come to its conclusions,” the Tourist explained, talking down to Shona slightly (to her displeasure), “the Judicator draws from a sense of morality and from every record it can find of every law ever passed in history. So, if someone were to, say, go back in time and spam all legal records with an overwhelming number of new laws, stating that we specifically have to be let go under all circumstances — well — its hands would be tied, wouldn't it?”
This is an obvious, twofold loophole that jumped out to me when I first read 10,000 Dawns: feeding every legal system ever into a computer wouldn’t really get you the perfect jurist, would it? It’d first risk getting a blubbering wreck who can’t deal with the mountain of contradictions between the laws of 11th century China and mid-19th century Holland; and even if you get past that, it’s liable to be polluted with a bunch of useless, anachronistic laws. Nonsense like laws against being ugly in public would take up unnecessary but uncrunchable space in its databanks.
Still, I suppose the “but also it has to act moral” element mostly rights the logic. Our heroines are only able to exploit the loophole here because they have limitless time travel and because, as the heroines, they’re assumed to be in the right opposite the Crocodiles and thus favored by the Judicator.
“Ugh, enough soul-searching!” Miranda suddenly declared, and sprayed a portal onto the nearest wall. “I don't know how long it is before day's done. But in the meantime, let's have some adventures.”
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The Princess and the Pirate - Chapter 6
A/N: There’s some violence and swearing in this one. Mostly just a shitload of angst. What can I say, I like the slow burn.
Tags: @itsgreatestlie
~Rayla~
Evie and I managed to climb the castle walls after I made a makeshift splint so I could at least stand and peek above the meeting. When Ben and Harry were apprehended, Evie let out a gasp and almost shouted, but I quickly covered her mouth with my hand.
“Sh! It’s going to be okay..” I calmed her.
I noticed that they dragged Harry onto the ship and I thought of a plan.
“Evie, listen to me. If I know Ben, he’s probably alerted the defenses and the rest of his knights, so it’s just a matter of waiting for help to arrive, okay? For now, we just need to stay alive,” I told her and she nodded. While I was trying to think of a way to get to safety, the pirates took Ben into the castle while Jukes went onto the ship with the book and pixie dust. As soon as the pirates took Ben into the castle, I heard gasps and knew that the time we had was limited.
“Go,” I told Evie and gestured towards the stairs opposite of us. We made our way towards them and started going down the stairs.
“Where the hell are they?!” I heard a pirate roar from inside of the castle. Evie and I ducked down behind the wall, but I felt my self being pulled up by my hair.
“Thought you were clever, huh? Well, the captain wants too see you,” I heard the voice of the pirate holding me say.
“I thought Jukes was just a crewmember, and you guys were trying to bring the captain back,” I smirked.
“Oh, the captain is back, it’s just not who ye think, princess,” he snarled in my ear. As Evie was taken back to the rock and reunited with Ben, I was dragged to the ship. Instead of being tossed in the brig as I expected, I was shoved into the captain’s quarters. The room was musty and smelled of salt and lacquer, and I looked around and my eyes fell on a figure in the corner in the shadows that I recognized.
“Harry! You’re safe, thank god. They’ve got Ben and Evie, we have to help them,” I said to him and started to walk towards him. When I got closer to him, he grabbed my wrist and pushed me away.
“No, you need to shut your mouth and do as you’re told,” Harry spoke coldly to me. He stepped out of the shadows and I saw that he was wearing his hook on his left hand and had on a red leather jacket that I had never seen before.
I was dumbfounded and said nothing to him, but gave him a quizzical look.
“Don’t you get it? I’m the captain, princess. It’s my right, and it was my plan to bring my father back. All I needed was a bit of royal blood to trust me, and then here you come all wide-eyed and desperate,” he said to me in a tone I didn’t recognize as his voice. His words were cold and ruthless.
“What do you mean, you were just lying to me this whole time?” I said. “I don’t believe you. Harry, whatever it is, we can work it out. What’s going on?”
“Oh, but tha’s where you’re wrong. The only thing goin’ on here is that ye’ve been played for my gain, as it should be,” he said and began to circle me.
Again, his words were like daggers to my soul. “I don’t… I..”
“You what? Thought I be yer friend, did ye? Aw, poor lass… I give meself credit, though. I had ye around my finger,” he taunted as my chest felt like it was burning and my eyes welled up.
“You said you cared about me. You said we were best friends,” I reminded him.
“Well, wouldn’t be the first time I’ve lied,” Harry chuckled darkly. “Pirates pride themselves on manipulatin’ through truth… but damn, I’ve got to say it’s fun te watch you Auradon princesses squirm thinkin’ I’d be all for ye…” I looked up at him and our eyes connected. Instead of the usual bright blue, his eyes were dark and had an almost red tint to them. I barely recognized the Harry that stood before me. The man that I had fallen for was gone, and this man was something else.
“Why keep up the facade for so long?” I asked him almost as a challenge and fought back tears.
Harry shrugged and lifted his hook to point at me. “Because I thought it’d be fun to have you fall in love with me. You do, don’t ye? Ye love me?”
Harry’s tone changed to a mocking one as he spoke and he walked towards me, backing me into a wall.
“You’re pathetic. Fallin’ so easily for a man who’s never thought once about ye. It went on so long that maybe I thought I might get a goo’ fuck out of ye… Nobody could ever love you, you’re just a small and insignificant pawn,” he scoffed and placed a hand on the wall above my head menacingly. Before this conversation, that gesture would have made my heart do flips, but now, my heart was broken and frozen. I turned my face away and saw on the floor Maleficent’s spellbook poking out from under the table in the room. I felt cold silver touch my chin and realized that he had used his hook to turn my face to meet his, which was mere centimeters away from mine.
“If you thought for even a second that I had feelings for ye, yer more delusional than I thought. But I can see it in yer eyes…” he began and laughed darkly. “You’re completely gone for me. This is much more fun than I thought! Say, why don’t ye do me a favor and maybe I’ll let you get a good shag out of it, hm?”
I looked him in his cold and unfeeling eyes. “I would never.”
I moved quickly to grab the spellbook and Harry managed to get me pinned against the opposite wall after a brief chase. “Sneaky li’le mouse, aren’t ye?”
I felt a soft breeze fall on my face and threw the book out of the window before Harry could stop me. I looked at his face and saw a slight flicker of the blue in his eyes that I came to adore, but his eyes returned to their previous dark color and he smiled at me with an evil intent.
“Shame… The crew would have loved to see this,” Harry said and I felt a sharp and burning pain in my ribs, then warm blood began to flow out of me from my right side. “But, I suppose, they’ll have to deal with just Ben and Evie’s deaths.”
Harry grabbed my arm and pulled me all the way to Skull Rock, apparently not caring about the blood he was trailing behind of mine. When we got to where the rest of the pirates were, a large cauldron and what appeared to be the remains of Captain Hook laid on the rock that I was previously tied to. I saw Evie and Ben tied up to a beam (it appeared to be a mast from a ship) that was next to the cauldron and assumed that I’d be headed there next.
“Harry?! Harry, what are you doing?!” Ben screamed and Harry smirked at him.
“He’s been spelled… He’s been spelled!!” Evie yelled. “Rayla, we’ve got to break the spell!”
“Quiet, you,” a nearby pirate told her and placed his sword on her. As expected, Harry handed me off to be tied up with Ben and Evie. Harry addressed his crew and stood over the cauldron.
“We have waited twenty years for this! And now, the blood of three royals and the sacrifice of the son with bring back our beloved captain so that we may again rule the seas!” he spoke.
“Rayla, you’ve got to kiss him,” Evie said. “It’s stupid, but true love’s kiss works every time.”
“He doesn’t love me, Evie,” I told her. She looked at me and knitted her brows.
“Of course he does, are you that blind?” Evie responded to me.
I shook my head. “I was, but now after that conversation and subsequent hooking, I’m less inclined to believe he has any feeling at all towards me.”
Ben and Evie shared a glance and I spoke again, “Okay, as soon as they untie you, make a break for it, okay? I’ll do what I can to hold them off so you guys can escape.”
“We aren’t leaving you,” Ben echoed Evie. “Harry has to be under some sort of spell, he’d never do this.”
“Guys, I’ve got a broken leg and spell or not, I’m pretty sure Harry hooked my lung. I haven’t got much time left, okay?” I told them.
Evie’s eyes welled up and she shook her head. “There must be a way…”
“There isn’t. It’s okay, I’m already dead, Evie. But you aren’t,” I told her. Ever since Harry had spoken so coldly to me, I couldn’t get the image out of my mind and his words of rejection and disdain for me haunted my hearing no matter how loud the pirate’s cheers were. I felt like an empty shell and I couldn’t let Evie and Ben go down with me. Even if Harry had been spelled, there is always truth to what pirates say and the flash of blue in Harry’s eyes that I saw was enough to confirm that.
Without warning and just as Harry had commanded a couple pirates to fetch us, a giant ship crashed into the side of the Black Castle and shattered its walls through. The debris had knocked several pirates unconscious, including Harry. Evie, Ben and I were knocked over and I was the one to land on the rock.
“Oh of course. Because why wouldn’t I be the one to break my whole body? Adding injury to insult is a real thing,” I said to myself as I felt several spots where I had bruised and the wound on my side had torn farther, but I wasn’t drowning in my own blood, so that told me that I might have a chance at survival… physically at least.
“Ben! We’re here! We brought the whole ship!” Jay’s voice rang out and I saw Uma and Lannie come down into the castle and fight off pirates who had begun to attack the invaders with several soldiers from Auradon to get to us. I felt myself starting to lose consciousness due to pain and blood loss, so when the ropes were cut free and the mast was moved from me, I couldn’t find it in myself to get up.
“Ben, grab her and get on the ship!” Uma ordered and I felt Ben pick me up and carry me away from the ruckus.
“Get Harry! Let’s get the hell out of here, reinforcements will apprehend the pirates,” I heard Uma’s voice in the distance as I felt my vision tunnel. Ben handed me off to Jay, who then held my face in his hands and tapped it to keep me awake.
“Hey, hey, hey, hey, you’re all good, Ray. Come on stay with us,” he said. His words were calming to me in that moment.
“Thanks, Jay,” I said and felt my head get lighter. “Guess I have to live, huh?”
Jay laughed and nodded. “Yes, yes you do.”
“Then you should probably hand me a suture kit and gauze,” I told him. He looked at me completely clueless.
“Oh my God, move, Jay. Hey Rayla, Harry’s being brought over. I need you to kiss him to break the spell, okay?” Evie said to me. I rolled my eyes.
“It’s not going to work, Eve. He doesn’t feel the same,” I told her.
“Just do it to humor me, please?” she said and grabbed the first aid kit as Ben set Harry’s unconscious frame down next to me. Evie instructed Jay to support my body as she cleaned my hemorrhaging side.
“Better hurry before he wakes up,” Ben said to me and Evie as he dragged Harry closer to me. I rolled my eyes and sat up with some help from Jay and leaned over Harry’s face.
“This is stupid,” I told everyone and then pecked Harry’s unmoving lips. I felt a spark and a puff of smoke left his nostrils that was exactly the same color as his eyes were in the captain’s quarters.
I laid back down against Jay’s legs and he smiled down at me. “I knew you could do it.”
I smiled sarcastically. “Yay me.”
“Alright, the troops are here, let’s head out!” Lannie said and Uma took to the helm and started us home.
Next to me, I heard Harry cough and gasp, then I felt my wound being sewn up by Evie. As I slipped out of consciousness, I could only hear Harry’s soft and gentle voice asking what had happened, which broke my heart even further.
~*~
I woke up to blinding lights in my eyes and the sound of chatter and I felt a small and soft hand in mine.
“How long has it been?” I asked whoever it was.
“About an hour,” I heard Evie respond. “The doctors took xrays and pumped you full of pain meds. They redid my suture job as well, so now you have professional work on you.”
I smiled slightly. “Screw them, you’re just as professional as they are. Flesh and fabric get sewn the same..” I joked and decided to sit up and saw that Evie, Jay and Ben were in the small room with me.
“You guys okay?” I asked them.
“You’re the one in the hospital wing,” Jay said.
I smiled half-heartedly and felt Evie’s hand move from mine and she wrapped her arms around me. “Don’t scare me like that. We need to have a serious conversation about your self-worth, okay?”
I shrugged. “Hey, it’s not like I planned to break my leg.”
“So are we all just going to ignore the fact that Rayla is a princess?” Jay said and stood up straight and walked over to sit on the opposite side of Evie on my bed.
I chuckled. “Yeah, I guess that’s kind of a bombshell.”
I heard a knock on the door and the doctor entered with a folder.
“Well, your highness, it appears that you took quite a fall…” he began.
“Yeah, I broke my tibia and dislocated my knee from the looks of those xrays. When can I leave?” I asked the doctor, not wanting to deal with his bedside manner and feeling generally upset about everything after remembering that the man I loved felt nothing for me.
“In order to fix your leg, you’re going to need surgery, which I have scheduled for an hour from now. Once you recover, you’ll need to take a week’s bedrest,” he explained.
I nodded. “Thank you. I’m not mad at you, I’m sorry, I’ve just had a bad day…”
He chuckled and adjusted his glasses. “We all have those days, no worries.”
“Thanks, Doc,” Evie said as the doctor left.
“I’m pretty sure they hate that nickname,” I told her.
“No, that’s Doc. One of the seven dwarves Snow White befriended,” Evie explained.
“Well now I feel like an ass,” I said.
~Harry~
Harry had just heard that Rayla was being taken out of surgery, so he rushed to her room. He hadn’t seen her since the ship ride back to Auradon and she looked close to death. He entered her room in the hospital and saw her sleeping and hooked up to wires with her leg elevated and cast. He sat beside her and gazed at her face, then took her hand in his and gently kissed it. Harry could barely comprehend the events of the last twelve hours and a piece of time was lost for him. The last thing he remembered was Bill Jukes coming into the cabin of the ship and then he woke up on deck of a different ship with Ben and Uma surrounding him and the taste of coconut and vanilla on his lips. Nobody really had time to explain what had happened, so he was still in the dark for most of the events that transpired, but what mattered to him was Rayla. He felt responsible for her kidnapping and therefore responsible for her injuries and trauma.
He held her hand in his and it felt so small in comparison. His palm alone practically engulfed her small fist and he smiled at the size difference. Lost in thoughts of her and now much he wanted to hold her, he barely heard the door open behind him.
“Oh, Rayla, darling…” Harry heard an English accent say from behind him. He let go of Rayla’s hand and let her mother and father sit with her. He left the room with a nod to her father and almost knocked into Evie, who was standing outside the door.
“Just the person I wanted to see. I wouldn’t recommend going in there just yet, I don’t think she’s ready to see you,” she said to him in a hushed tone. Harry’s brows furrowed.
“Em.. what?” was all he could say.
Evie sighed and took his arm and began pulling him away from the room he felt a need to be close to.
“Wha’s this about, Ev?” he asked her and she sat him down in the waiting area.
“Listen, while you were playing hero, you got spelled… I’m not sure what happened, and what exactly was said, but… She came back from a meeting with you on the ship looking like someone died… and she has a wound that matches your hook,” Evie explained calmly to him.
Harry’s anger rose and he knew who he needed to talk to. Without a word, he left to go to Auradon’s prison. The walk was long, but Harry’s pace was quicken by the sheer amount of rage he felt. He knew that Bill Jukes was behind this and he knew that he had done something that would have repercussions for Harry, but he wasn’t exactly sure what.
Harry reached the prison and walked right past the guards, who began to chase after him, but Harry heard Ben’s voice call them off. Harry assumed his face was one that led Ben—who was filling out paperwork or something in the front—to believe that there was no stopping Harry. And Ben was right.
Harry marched right to the cell with a slouched over Jukes and opened the door. Harry rushed over and gripped Bill’s shirt and hoisted him up, then slammed him against the wall of his cell.
“Wha’ the fuck did ye do t’me ye slimy bastard?” Harry seethed.
Bill laughed. “Nothing that wasn’t bound to happen anyway. You can’t be with her, she’s a princess.” Bill craned his neck towards Harry. “And you’re nothing.”
Harry slammed the man against the wall again. “I won’t ask again. What did you do?”
Bill’s smile twisted. “She’ll never trust you again after what you said to her. And hooking her like your father did? Hoo, if only the spell would have lasted, you might be our captain… You were cruel, Harry. Your father would be proud.”
Harry’s eyes widened and he punched the pirate in the face hard enough to bloody his nose and dropped him to the floor. Harry left the cell and only heard laughter from Bill. Harry’s anger turned to guilt and he found himself wandering the grounds aimlessly, his head filled with thoughts of how he was to speak to Rayla again.
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Saw your tags and omg if you ever write fic with Mara and Jacen and Jaina that would be amazing. I don't care that none of it is official anymore, they were my favorites.
Hi, it's likely been ten million years since you sent this message and I know this response is super late but I'm really happy to hear that you love the Extended Universe/Legends (whatever we're calling them now) characters too! Mara Jade is my absolutely favourite SW character. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever write fic for them because it's been more than a decade since I read any of the books (also the events of the Yuuzhan Vong War depresses me.....) but in my heart the original EU will always remain canon.
I don't know why I started reading the SW books in the first place, because I don't actually remember if I watched the original movies or not. I knew about Star Wars because it was one of those pop culture things people absorb through osmosis, but I picked up the Thrawn Trilogy on a whim from the library while on a sci-fi/fantasy book reading spree, and I just fell completely in love with Mara Jade and her very volatile interactions with Luke (in that she's trying to kill him, and Luke is determined not to be killed but also wants to help her, and they're both stuck on this planet and need each other to survive), and that's probably how I got interested in the Star Wars universe as a whole.
Hence, I will always have a soft spot for Mara in my heart. She's such a wonderfully written character - complex and strong but flawed and human and yet she overcomes it all through her own efforts and hard work. Her agency after overcoming her past as the Emperor's Hand is probably one of the most important aspects of her character. Seeing Princess Leia become the head and leader of the New Republic? Hugely important. Seeing Mara Jade, overcoming her dark and painful beginnings and becoming utterly brilliant as the second-in-command of a major smuggling alliance and constantly sassing THE (one and only remaining) Jedi Knight/Master of the universe at the time? Also hugely important. And I was always more of a Mara kid than a Leia kid (I do love that Leia was amongst the first to trust Mara, despite Mara's Empire beginnings).
I also just love Mara's relationship with Luke; talk about the ultimate Enemies to Friends to Lovers. I remember as a teen reading the Hand of Thrawn books, and Luke freaking proposes when they're about to drown, and Mara just goes "we're in a literal life and death situation right now, are you for real?" because honestly Luke, your timing, and that banter of a proposal was just so THEM and I will love that scene forever. Also, moments after that Luke is forced to relinquish control and his saviour complex and let Mara do her job to save them, and it was a hugely important moment because their relationship can't survive if he doesn't trust her with this. And he does trust her with this, and I just love them and their partnership a lot ;A; they're so good together. I wouldn't change much about their canon selves except for how Mara's story ends (because... just no). In my ideal universe, the Solo children always remain chaotic teenage Jedi apprentices because everything falls apart when they grow up and the Yuuzhan Vong War happens. I actually stopped reading any Star Wars books midway through the Yuuzhan Vong arc because it was too depressing (if you read those books, you probably know why).
(more of my ramblings under the cut about the EU and also the new movie trilogies because I like Rey and Kylo/Ben, I just wish they were developed better when us EU fans already had characters like Mara and the Solo children.........)
I think one of the huge reasons why the new SW trilogy (Movies 7-9) constantly falls short for me is because... well, similar characters exist in the EU and they are just built and explored and characterized so much better. Much of it is because the book medium allows for so much more character growth and exploration, but yeah. I love Mara a lot because she really does have the whole grey and ambiguous background and she was molded into the Emperor's Hand with little choice of her own, and after Palpatine dies she fights bloody damn hard to define who she really is on her own terms. She actually feels like a so much better developed analogue for Kylo Ren, in that they were both manipulated from young to work for the dark side, and upon Palpatine/Snoke's death, they are finally free to make their own choices but are still haunted by their upbringing (Mara being literally haunted by Palpatine's final Force order to kill Luke).
I actually like Kylo's "redemption" back to Ben and how it was not motivated by any sudden moral change or goodness - but the fact that he just wants to be with Rey (someone who understands him), and if that means he has to go a little towards the grey side of the Force instead of the dark, then so be it. This is also why I thoroughly enjoyed Mara's long and windy journey to becoming a Jedi Knight - she didn't choose it and in fact avoided it since she quit Luke's Jedi training; it pretty much snuck up on her when she made the decision to sacrifice her beloved ship in an act of selflessness. The EU builds the idea that there is no true Light or Dark side of the Force, and although the new movie trilogy builds the foundation for this idea, it ended up enforcing the idea that everything /is/ black and white, that Rey has to reject being a Palpatine (Dark) to be a Skywalker (Light), and that Kylo Ren (a Dark side character for most of the trilogy) can only be "redeemed" in death............................ instead of just giving us the morally grey Jedi Knights that I want, because nothing is truly light or dark - one cannot exist without the other.
I hated the Rey Palpatine reveal BUT they could have really worked this angle and foil it against Kylo/Ben struggling with his legacy of being Darth Vader's grandson (and the fact that DV did die as Anakin Skywalker in the end - not on the side of good, but simply to protect his family). In fact, the EU does this perfectly with the Solo children: Anakin Solo has to struggle with his namesake and knowing he is the grandson of Anakin Skywalker, and his fear of turning to the dark side is a pretty great arc in the books (no Snoke or Palpatine influence needed).
Also, I think Adam Driver was wonderful as Kylo Ren/Ben, but honestly the EU making the very first Force-strong children in the new era a set of twins was a stroke of genius. The Solo twins are great. The fact that they are twins is also great as a literary technique. First, they share the burden of the entire universe's expectations - they bolster and balance each other. But they also eventually become opposite sides of the same coin, and even then, it's not all black and white. Jacen falls to the dark side literally because he wanted to protect the galaxy and was willing to do it at any cause (the road to hell is paved with good intentions indeed). Jaina is knighted the Sword of the Jedi - she's an offensive force that stands on the front lines so those behind her can know peace, and this eventually leads her to killing her brother (a Light character that commits fratricide to stop a Sith Lord).
I mean, I like the whole idea of Rey and Kylo/Ben's Force dyad thing (which by the way, is kind of broken/left hanging at the end of TROS because Ben fucking dies) but seriously, the Solo twins! All the built-in drama and legacy without having to give your new characters weird back stories!
At the end of the day. I wish they picked what they wanted to do with Kylo Ren. Make him like Jacen - have him willingly choose the dark side and live through the consequences of it. Or make him like Mara - someone who was forced into his current role - but also give him Mara's growth arc, where he gets the chance to properly break through the trauma and have time to work out his own motivations and NOT DIE at the end of it.
Same with Rey - let her be Rey from nowhere and build her own legacy (like Mara did :) I love that Mara absolutely thrived being second-in-command of a famed smuggling ring, because just because you are strong in the Force doesn't mean you need to be a Jedi). Or make her a Palpatine and let her actually struggle through the ramifications of it the way Anakin Solo did.
.. honestly if a Mara character existed in the movies we wouldn't have half the drama, because for one she wouldn't let Luke fuck off to the ends of the universe; she'd force him to take responsibility and not like, you know, abandon his sister and family and his duty. And knowing Mara (and seeing as Ben Solo was not actually responsible for the massacre at the Jedi academy apparently?), she'd take matters into her own hands and go infiltrate the First Order to get Ben back herself, because that's a Mara like thing to do. And she knows the Empire, you know? Even if it's been recasted as a different face (also canonically she's always been a good ally in taking care and safeguarding the Solo children).
#*#replies#gwaihiril#i'm sorry this became an incoherent rambling about the new trilogy and the EU and everything in between#TL;DR - the EU is great! read the EU books!#mara jade is one of the coolest star wars characters!#all hail timothy zahn who created mara and the solo twins!#rey and kylo/ben were undone by bad writing or movie editing decisions#which is why i like reading about them in fanfic#because fic writers do a much better job with them than the official writers do#okay caveat i'm only familiar with the nine official movies and the EU book verse#i don't know anything about the animated series or the games so i'm not familiar with ahsoka etc#i'm really glad you like my writing though ^^;; but unlike the bond world the star wars EU is so vast and filled with so much lore#that i also feel intimidated to step a foot into that universe and play with it#okay i will finally shut up now i've rambled enough#star wars
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Who Can Defend the Undefendable?
The names of the men just roll off the tongue: Donald Trump, Harvey & Bob Weinstein, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, Louis CK, Brett Ratner, Kevin Spacey, Ben Affleck, Roy Moore, Al Franken, Charlie Rose, Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, George Takei, John Conyers, Matt Lauer, Garrison Keillor and many others. Men whose celebrity and power are being stripped from them like so much bacon off a gutted pig. Women are coming out of the woodwork to accuse these actors and moguls of harassment, sexual assault and “inappropriate” behavior of a sexual nature, some with underage persons. What does this mean in the battle of the sexes which began with the 60s and 70s sexual revolution and continues today with men being increasingly thought of as “predators” rather than gentlemen? Has something changed in men or is this just the story of women who finally are coming out of the closet to tell it like it is and to target those who have hurt, embarrassed and assaulted them, often many years in the past? The history of power and celebrity and Hollywood was always about dominant male opportunism and female submission. Women were relegated to little better than prostitutes in order to further their careers both in the entertainment industry and the corporate world, limited as it was in female opportunity. The problem I see with women taking vengeance on these male “bottom feeders” is they are creating a war zone which threatens to subsume our culture in a miasma of indecency and spite. Do we want to watch another famous man on the news each night being taken apart at the seams? It reminds me of the TV coverage of the Vietnam War which after a while became a nightly body count, which the public tired of and which helped bring about tremendous anti-war sentiment. Is this public condemnation and humiliation of men the most productive way women can gain power and justice? As a Christian counselor and an advocate for morality, I understand that taking vengeance seems sweet and satisfying, at least at first. Teaching abused young girls that their abuse is “horrible, “heinous”, etc., and that they should seek justice, vengeance, retribution and restitution only heightens the negative effects of the abuse. But remember Jesus words: “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” (Romans 12:19). Sexual “misconduct” may seem unforgivable and an abuse of power which needs to be rectified, but by who? God will punish men for their myriad sins and lack of repentance. My book states this clearly. The judgment seat of Christ will give everyone what is due them, for “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7). I love women and love justice, but I also love mercy and compassion. Sanctimonious women should watch their motives for a power grab is not true morality unless those newly acquiring power do things differently and repent themselves of hatred and spite toward their “fellow man.” Jesus said: “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37) These men will be convicted of their sins, but women should forgive these men as their own sins are being forgiven and they (women) are ushered into the Kingdom of Heaven, coming soon. When the woman was caught in adultery, what did Jesus do? Condemn her? Spit on her? Prosecute her? No, he forgave her. “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” (John 8:7) And Jesus doesn’t want to judge us, though the Father has entrusted judgement to Him who lowered himself to our pathetic level and understood the trials, pain and temptations of the flesh. “Ye judge after the flesh[ego]; I judge no man. And yet if I judge, my judgment is true: for I am not alone, but I and the Father that sent me.” (John 8:15-16) Not that men are justified in their wrongful acts, but they could be. Sexual offenses are actually the product of childhood abuse and neglect, poor parenting, lack of loving role models and the near impossibility of finding love and intimacy in this hellish world. But men have trouble saying their sorry, which is the first step to repentance. Jesus was not easy on those who hurt children, particularly those who do not make amends: “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matthew 18:6) Romance is in Critical Condition In any event, does some of this condemnation seem to be a bit ridiculous? Al Franken was accused of “kissing a woman against her will.”! What is the charge, 1st degree affection? It’s absurd. Garrison Keillor, of Prairie Home Companion, was fired by the Minnesota Public Radio because it was said that he “put his hand on a woman's bare back”! A male coach was considered a dangerous predator because he “hugged one of his softball players too long.”! ?? All these serial accusations and condemnations have also had a chilling effect on sexual relations, romance and male/female friendships and work relationships. Women’s egos are not blameless as they are seeking moral superiority in the negative criticisms, judgement and condemnation of men. Our relationships are deteriorating fast and it is certain that in a few decades (assuming the “end times” are delayed) the word “romance” will be taken out of the dictionary (and maybe replaced with “in vitro fertilization”). Heterosexual loving and romantic affection is no longer politically correct. But that’s for another paper. Not to defend the undefendable but men are having a tough time getting any romance from women, assuming they want it sincerely. Prostitution, strip clubs and rampant pornography are symptoms of our increasingly dysfunctional and disastrous relationships. Any sexuality without love is lust and fornication and is absolutely wrong, it’s just a question of who gets the blame. Because of all this, it’s increasingly hard for healthy relationships to even get started. More on this next. Gizmos, greed, materialism, strip clubs, porno and hookers! The extremely sad state of romance, which I’m primarily, though not exclusively blaming on militant feminism, has also led to an exponential increase in males becoming materialistic, exceptionally greedy and sexually depraved. Expensive electronic gizmos and fancy cars (as well as money itself, materialism and conspicuous consumption) have replaced healthy, satisfying relationships and male sexual satisfaction requires strip clubs, prostitution and pornography! Women should realize that when they become judgmental and condemning towards male sexual assertiveness in the attempt to quell sexual aggression, they are helping to bring about the very male sexual depravity they seek to condemn. Men are born with a certain leadership gene, and although some will not become leaders either of the family or of society, they require a certain amount of respect and space to assert their legitimate male dominance. When the attempt goes from punishing serious criminal and moral wrongs, necessary in an ethical world, to the sanctimonious, constant, unreasonable and negative criticism of assertive male leadership behavior and attempts to emasculate and dis-empower “normal” men, you are automatically asking for trouble. So, women accusers, I urge you to forgive and at least back off and let whatever consciences these men possess (if any) take hold and leave the final judgment to God who knows all, is all powerful and all loving. He will avenge your hurts in the appropriate and effective manner. By the way, I’ve had many women touch me “inappropriately”, i.e. without permission, and I filed no complaints and never asked for $32 million for their attempts at affection. Sexual sins are not unforgivable! A man molests a young person, a power broker forces himself on an unwilling victim, a boss gropes his secretary, a man grabs a colleague’s “butt”. It’s all too common, yet how do we characterize these “sins” and inappropriate “predatory” behavior? Remember, pedophilia literally means “lover of children” and touching someone still can mean that someone is expressing affection. If by predatory, feminism means assertive male leadership, then it is unreasonable and harmful criticism. (see Ephesians 5:33) All healthy males are attracted to young virgins, and that’s as it should be.(see 1 Corinthians 7:34, et al) It’s in our DNA which is programmed by God. (sometimes called instincts) Remember that Jesus touched little children with his hands and his Spirit: “And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them.” (Mark 10:13) The overprotective disciples also misunderstood and thought it was an imposition. Biblical principles say a homosexual man abusing a young boy is doubly egregious, but I will leave that to those who read the book of Romans. Yes, men are bozos and don’t know how to express love towards women and children, if there is any real love in their egotistical hearts. But the level of vitriol and condemnation is way out of proportion, except in the most egregious cases of sexual harassment or assault. In fact, the fear and hatred these women express is harmful to their own peace of mind and it would be better if we “remoralized” (or would it be “demoralized”?) and legalized some of the non-malicious offending behavior in order to spare the young (and older) victims the nightmare of a life scarred by fear, guilt, shame, hatred, spite and vengeance. This may seem controversial, but you will see that it could work. (remember that the law actually creates sin, see 1 John 3:4 and Romans 3:20) The legalistic justice system loves to take people down, but we are called to build our brethren up! Remember, the letter of the law kills our Spirits, but the Spirit of the law brings about salvation. (See 2 Corinthians 3:6) But as Jesus expressed forgiveness for sinners, so are we to turn the other cheek. Jesus was very clear: “Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” (Matthew 5:38-39) God will punish truly unrepentant men and send them to burn in unquenchable fire. Men have individually and collectively violated the sacred marriage contract through wanton and malicious fornication and lust. Let’s leave it to Jesus to mete out justice and in the meantime, live our lives like we actually love one another. Men will be judged according to their sins. Rest assured of that. And there is, according to Jesus and the Bible, one unforgivable sin: “blasphemy of the Holy Spirit,” which is defined in Matthew 12:31 and Mark 3:28-29 as attributing the ministry of Jesus and the other workings of the Holy Spirit to evil or the devil. This fear, guilt and shame-based society will lose and fail miserably when confronted with the Truth. Although many are skeptical and do not listen, I continue to tell the Truth. As for me, if you ignore my skeletons, I’ll ignore yours! Signed, Stephen M. Theriault Stephen M. Theriault is the author of The Practical Guide to Real Christianity and is organizer/founder of International Citizens Against Corruption and Overdevelopment, one of many groups he has begun. (on Facebook) and Avenger-Equalizer blog and TheJesusReport blog on Tumblr.
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N, H, B!
still accepting!
N for NORA
full name ⏤ nora angelica marie olivernicknames, if any ⏤ some people call her ‘nor’hogwarts house ⏤ slytheringender ⏤ cis femalesexuality ⏤ heterosexuala song i associate with them ⏤ don’t rain on my parade by barbra streisand3 important relationships ⏤ davie olsen (her first love), charlie oh + sydney barrett (the first friends that actually feel like real, lifelong friends), anna + grace oliver (her older sisters, simultaneously her favourite people while also being the people she sometimes resents the most)2 fears ⏤ death, rejection1 element of their backstory ⏤ part of nora’s want to abandon her old preppy/mid-tier popular crowd was after her fling with the popular and beloved class president in the year above her ended and the people she considered closest to her took sides. they said nasty things about her behind her back and she had never seen such quick betrayal from people she trusted
H for HANNAH
full name ⏤ hannah alexis collinsnicknames, if any ⏤ normally just ‘han’, her dad calls her ‘hannah banana’ every now and then but she cannot stand ithogwarts house ⏤ gryffindorgender ⏤ cis femalesexuality ⏤ heterosexuala song i associate with them ⏤ love story by taylor swift3 important relationships ⏤ maryanne collins (her mother - a former pageant queen and current pageant coach who has inspired hannah for as long as she can remember), justin collins (her older brother and best friend, would fight anyone for her and has always made her feel like she has someone to rely on), katie walker (her first - and most frequent - bully from the pageant circuit. she hates that katie has such a hold on her and her self esteem, but she just has a struggle shaking it)2 fears ⏤ losing loved ones, snakes1 element of their backstory ⏤ hannah was bullied early on in the pageant circuit (we’re talking somewhere between freshman year and toddlers and tiaras age) which has given her some deep insecurities and anxieties; it is not unusual for her to panic in social situations, and she often questions her self-worth and criticizes herself
B for BEN
full name ⏤ benjamin andrew millernicknames, if any ⏤ just ‘ben’hogwarts house ⏤ hufflepuffgender ⏤ cis malesexuality ⏤ bisexuala song i associate with them ⏤ flashed junk mind by milky chance3 important relationships ⏤ logan miller (younger brother - he was old enough to remember when logan was born and had never felt that sort of love and protectiveness before his baby brother), zach fulmer (the first boy he kissed - really made him feel comfortable with his sexuality when he was struggling to accept it), charlie oh (his first love SOON! they’re endgame and he doesn’t know it yet, but she is the first love to top all first loves)2 fears ⏤ needles, the ocean (he’s fine with what he can easily access - it’s more so the thought of the middle of the ocean and how never-ending it is)1 element of their backstory ⏤ ben’s fear from the ocean comes from two things: the first being shark week… it was just too scary for him to be watching as a child but he did it anyways. he doesn’t know what lurks in the ocean and doesn’t like how there’s so much space and depth for them to do so, lol. secondly, as he lives by the beach, when he was around 6 he nearly drowned after falling off of the boardwalk. luckily his dad jumped in before anything serious happened. ben learnt how to swim and quite likes doing so now, but he’ll never forget that feeling of flailing around helplessly.
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According to Goodreads, my average rating is 3.8, which doesn’t feel quite right, but who am I to argue with data. As of now, I am 98 books in, but I fully intend to finish a short book and manga before midnight. it’ll be my first recorded year of reaching 100 books a year, but as I explained earlier, I feel like it made me bypass longer books. My longest book was On A Sunbeam, at 533 pages. That’s weak.
Read Bricks: My 2020 Reading Goal
This isn’t exactly a top books of 2019 post, because there are 2nd or 3rd choices of some months that are better than the #1s of other months. But I did notice a trend (3 months) where I would read the best book of the month as the first book of the month, and those were also the best books of the year.
January
Stats: 6 books, 2 contemporary, 1 fantasy, 1 classic, 1 manga, 1 mystery
Rep:
And the best book:
If We Were Villains, ML Rio
I love this book, it was my favourite of 2019 and I still think about it. I found it on a whim, while I was aimlessly browsing the library. It’s about a Shakespeare group in college a cult, where one of their members were murdered and they all have something to hide. There’s a slow-burn m/m romance tragedy that was painfully simar to my own gay awakening. But alas, I don’t own it, so if you guys want to gift it to me…
February
Stats: 7 books, 3 Contemporary, 1 horror, 1 manga, 1 historical fiction, 1 mystery
Rep:
The best book:
Darius The Great is Not Ok, Adib Khorram
This follows an Iranan-american boy whose granddad in Iran is ill, so his family is going to visit them so Darius can know him before he dies. It isn’t about the granddad though: it’s about Iranian culture, soccer, and a boy. Being gay can be a death sentence in Iran, so while there’s definite gay undertones, they never actually do or say anything. Their friendship is the purest thing, some hope while Darius is struggling with depression.
March
Stats: 6 books, 3 manga, 2 horror, 1 contemporary
Rep:
The best book:
Autoboyography Christina Lauren
This book made me upset. It’s about 2 boys, one who’s at peace with his bisexuality, and the other who’s a mormon. It deals with his struggle to love someone and go against his family and community. There’s also a writing seminar, where one has to write a book with the other coaching him. I thought that part could’ve been expanded more. There’s secret hikes and secret gay moments.
April
Stats: 8 books, 5 Contemporary, 1 satire, 1 horror, 1 manga
Rep:
Best book:
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#currentlyreading Radio Silence! The voice is easy to drown in, I love the casual but unsubtle rep, and the artsy. #amreading #bookstagram #booknerd #lgbtpride🌈
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Radio Silence, Alice Oseman
Kat @ paperback dreams loves this book so much, if you didn’t know. I was expecting some letdown, but I still love it. It’s about a gang that produces a sci-fi podcast called Universe City while they muse about what they’re going to do after high school. It’s an exploration of why college isn’t for everyone.
May
Stats: 8 books, 4 contemporary, 2 satire, 1 manga, 1 fantasy
Rep:
Best book:
I Wish You All The Best, Mason Deaver
I hope you know what this is. I hope you read it. I will disown you if you haven’t.
Dear Ben De Backer/ I Wish You All The Best
June
Stats: 6 books, 4 Contemporary (1 manga), 2 romance
Rep:
The Best Book:
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Important and real. Toxic relationships can be impossible to get out of and I don't think I've ever seen a more realistic f/f in fiction. Also, is Doodle non-binary? #amreading Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me #bookdragon #booknerd #bookstagram
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Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me, Mariko Tamaki , Rosemary Valero-O’Connell
Ahh, yes. The graphic novel about an emotional abusive teen f/f romance that explores what happens when you let yourself and neglect your friends with beautiful art.
Portraying Toxicity in F/F Relationships: Reading Jordi Perez And Laura Dean
July
(When booktubeathon happened) 13 books, 5 manga, 3 contemporary, 1 superhero, 1 Urban fantasy, 1 Poetry, 1 erotica
Rep:
Best Book:
Nimona, Noelle Stevenson
Two months with a top graphic novel, but that just shows how amazing they’ve gotten. Nimona is a shapeshifter determined to do evil for her master, unaware that his greatest rival used to be his greatest lover. Funny! Evil propo!
August
Stats: 8 books, 3 contemporary, 2 manga, 1 satire, 1 poetry, 1 spiritual
Rep:
Best Book:
Sappho Of Lesbos, painted by John William Godward
Sappho, the lesbian poet of Greece. Her poetry haunted the lesbian areas of Greece. Lesbian greek poetry. What Are you waiting for?
September
Stats: 6 books, 3 manga, 2 supernatural, 1 sick lit
Rep:
Big Sapphic Pie
Best book:
My beloved girlfriend Carmilla. Carmilla is a lesbian vampire in the classic, muddling girls’ minds with dreams and sex. It was adapted into a youtube series that I’m probably going to binge watch after I’ve read the two books I read to reach 100 this year (Bread and Roses, Too, The Fifth Beatle).
My Beloved Carmilla
October
Stats: 9 month, 5 fantasy, 2 manga, 2 contemporary
Rep:
Best Book:
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Everything Leads To You started slow but had me close to tears at the end. The best f/f I have read thus far! #bookstagram #bookish #lgbtpride🌈 #ffbooks
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Everything Leads To You, Nina LaCour
F/F in LA! i loved how ingrained movies were in their lives, how it was their jobs, their relatives’ jobs, their passions. There’s also a realllly slooow burn romance! If Nina wrote a how-to slow burn guide, it’d be the book on how to write relationships.
November
Stats; 9 books, 4 manga, 2 dystopia, 1 contemporary, 1 spiritual, 1 fantasy
Rep:
This best book was tough, since a few stand out, however Fence is rated highest! Contenders are Dragon Pearl, A Quick And Easy Guide To They/Them Pronouns, and Lizard Radio.
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My immediate TBR! Dragon Pearl is a MG Asian inspired Rick Riordan Imprint book with a non-binary character. Out Of Salem is about a non-binary zombie. I'm going into We Contain Multitudes blind, but it's gay. * What are your reading plans? How far in advance do you tend to plan them? #bookstagram #bookish #bookdragon #lgbtpride🌈
A post shared by BrittainX (@killedbyabook) on Nov 12, 2019 at 9:06am PST
December
This is a no-brainer. The Deep by Rivers Solomon is about merfolk descended from pregnant captives on slave ships that were thrown overboard. Their babies were born in the water, barely functioning merbabies. 100 years later, the society remembers three days a year, the memories too heavy and their capacity to short for them to be held by anyone other than the Historian. But now she’s sick of it and wants to find herself. Super gay, written by a nonbinary author.
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My December TBR plus #currentlyreading The Deep by Rivers Solomon and Tarnished Are The Stars by @rosieethor The Deep is about the decedents of the people captured on slave ships that jumped overboard, a society that can't bear to remember their past and gives all of the memories to one merperson a generation. Tarnished Are The Stars is set in a future where technology is banned, least humanity fall into the trap of destroying the planet- but our main queers use it to help people with medical problems. #amreading #bookstagram #ilovebooks #lgbt
A post shared by BrittainX (@killedbyabook) on Nov 30, 2019 at 8:56pm PST
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2019: Top Books of The Month According to Goodreads, my average rating is 3.8, which doesn't feel quite right, but who am I to argue with data.
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Would Claudine ever meet her mother? I always wonder what she would be like and what she had to go through giving up her daughter to Frollo to escape his madness; (I could never give up my child if I had one, so I'm thinking poverty as being a real life factor). I'm concerned about female characters having a voice in stories in general, and women escaping violence (perpetrated by men or women) is especially important to me.
Claudinemeets her as a result of Parents’ Day, and Ben trying to make thisone different by finding the Forgotten Fathers and Missing Mothers ofthe VKs.
Likemy OC Kalila, my headcanon of who Jay’s mother is, NotEsmeralda--or, if you want to use what she claims to be her real nameand was her stage name BGU, Salome--was not a woman who lived a veryvirtuous life, to say the least.
From a young age, she was forced into all manner of degrading andawful work, denied much of the tools and means to be able to riseabove her station because of sexism and poverty, and when pubertyplayed her a good hand, like Esmeralda and Kalila she quickly turnedit into their advantage, using it as a means to manipulate, earn herdaily bread, and a little extra to enjoy the finer things in life, oralternatively, make it easier to land in the graces of richer, moregenerous patrons.
“Drunks can only give so much gold if they haven’t pissed itall away or lost it to a pickpocket, and the cost of a good bottle ofperfume, a silken veil, and braiding your hair with a fineeye-catching ornament is more than made up for with the affection ofone rich noble.
“Hah! You should have seen the sheer amounts of coins andvaluables they would shower me with after just a wink; ‘make itrain’ indeed as there was so much beautiful clinking it was as ifthe very clouds had opened up and rained prosperity down on me!
“… But ah, like the rain that quenches the thirsty ground, itnever lasts, and there was no rainbow at the end of it, no cropsspringing from the deluge.”
In her case, it was generally when her lavish spending, travelcosts, unsavoury incidents, and inability to invest for the long-termeventually ate up all of her money. Then, when the Great Unitinghappened, she was implicated in a number of corruption scandals, andhaving patronized and abused the favour of no small number ofwarlords, mob bosses, abusive politicans, and other unsavouryfigures, she was deemed too “evil” to stay in Auradon and wasthrown on the Isle.
“It was Hell—it was truly Hell.
“There I was, doing my damnedest to seduce and charm those thatbarely had any than myself, men—the most brutish and piggish andfoulest of men—that had holes in their pockets and sacks that werenot as large as the others, blessed with scraps from the table ofAuradon, and the means to fight off those that would prey on them inless pleasant ways.
“And then the Great War started.”
In the aftermath of the various “Alpha” personalities finallyclashing, all-out war raged in the streets, and the even moredesperate and awful things the Islanders had to engage in to survivethe day, let alone the hour, philosophies and beliefs in life werechallenged.
“It was the end of a massacre. All was eerily silent,nothing but the smell of dead bodies and dying, the sound of wheezinggasps and the last breaths so many would take. And what was about torise from the ashes sure as Hell did not promise to be any better…
“I was desperate. We were all desperate. Even more so thanusual, what you remember from your own struggle.
“We looked for comfort, for help, for security wherever we couldfind it, and unfortunately, I found that in your father’s arms.”
Salome shakes her head.
“Even the most tone-deaf and talentless bard can gain applauseif he plays the right tune at the right time to the audience, andsuch a lecherous, desperate, and bigoted man like Frollo could lookpalatable, attractive even, in the face of death itself,leering over you as you slowly die of starvation, cold, and sickness.
“He offered me a home. He offered me a new life. He offered mesalvation and hope, in a time where all there was around me wasdesperation and hopelessness.”
She smiles sadly.
“And with those that stand to lose everything… they will clingto whatever and whoever promises to help them.”
Sherelates that the initial relationship with Frollo was actually quitegood, as Frollo made good on his promise to be a better person, andhis congregation was actually very supportive in that respect—ithelped that it was just after the war, they didn’t have any placeelse to go, and the world outside Temple Way was incrediblydangerous.
Then,the honeymoon ended, the mainland and the Badlands recovered, peoplestarted defecting now that they had a choice and those that remainedstrengthened their conviction to fanatic levels, and Frollo startedbecoming far too keen in his mission to absolve himself, dosome good in the world with the limited time he has left, and savethis generation with an entirely new one, starting with Claudine,then many more afterward.
“Theman seemed to sincerely believe he could fuck his way intosalvation, and when I realized that was probably where I should haveleft.”
Still,she stayed, because she was pregnant, Frollo could make a veryconvincing argument about personal debts and having to return thekindness shown to you, and it was easy enough to manipulate andconvince the congregation to tend to her needs and to avoid having todo her “spousal duties” to Frollo through a variety of clever andoftentimes amusing means of sabotage.
Unfortunately,all the fantasies she had of getting this imperfect but acceptablelife to work ended when Claudine was born, the congregation treatedher like their own personal Jesus Christ, and if Frollo was verystrict about her behaviour before, he became absolutely intolerablenow that she was “from who our child will learn the ways ofbeing a Good Christian Woman,” and that he didn’t want her doingANYTHING to taint the purity of Claudine, or worse yet, being abad example.
Itdidn’t help that for all his renewed panic and devotion tocontrolling how she spoke, how she dressed, and what she did, hestill had time to remind her and all but beg her to resume their“most sacred duty of matrimony,” and his congregation quicklyrallied behind him, pressuring their beloved leader’s wife to actthe part.
“Iwas drowning, shackled, and silenced, like a man tied to an anchorwith a cloth wrapped tight around his mouth, growing heavy andunwieldy as the sea rushed into his lungs. It was the aftermath ofthe war once more, only this time, the Hell I had found myself in wasall my own doing. And once more, it was only by my own action that Iwas going to get out of it.
“Iwill not lie to you, Claudine: I did not regret leaving you, andstill do not.
“Evenlong after it had stopped being a question of my survival againstyours, I could not bare the thought of what fresh Hell Frollo and hisilk would turn my life into if I tried to save you and keep you awayfrom him, struggle to feed you and clothe you when I was alreadystarving and naked myself, to look at your face every single dayfor the rest of my life and see my eyes staring back at me, withthe nose of the man who had did not kill me, but took my life all thesame.
“Ihad thought of returning, yes, of trying to raise you and hoping Icould undo the damage he had wrought.
“Butwhen I realized that would open the possibility of being the means tospawn more products of one of the unholiest unions the realm had everseen, more children carrying a part of me and also him, opening theirmouths and calling me ‘Mother’…
“… Iget sicker than when you were within my womb, and I think otherwise.”
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