#believe you me no one is more upset at this development than i am

[abmare]

cap trilogy rewatch bc I'm sick and it's making me weirdly nostalgic + text posts

[drdemonprince]

At one point he was down in between my legs, fingering me, and he made a throwaway comment about probably being Autistic. 

I leaned back, trying to relish what pleasure I was getting. “Well, we can talk about that subject, if you like,” I said vaguely, not really wanting to bring my professional life into things. 

He kept working away at my body, kissing between my lips and thighs. “Oh I know who you are,” he said suddenly. “Your book changed my life. In a way, I guess this is me thanking you.” 

I made him exit my body and we went to the kitchen to hash it out. It turned out he was a big fan of many things I’d written. 

“I’ve seen you around the neighborhood many times,” he confessed. “But you posted online that you don’t like when people come up to you, and so I always decided to leave you alone.” 

He said, “Your book is the reason I got divorced, actually. My ex-husband was a therapist, and when I showed him your book and said I thought I might be Autistic, he didn’t believe me. We have been separated for a year.” 

He asked, “Did I just make this weird, telling you when I did that I was a fan?” I told him that if he’d said it sooner, I would have never fucked him at all. 

People never realize that when they approach me, what they are doing is dragging me into work. It doesn’t matter whether I was at breakfast, or an orgy. I was just some guy standing there, enjoying his beer, but now they have made me the known scholar and author. And sure, my job might be meaningful, but that doesn’t mean I like to work. 

I tell my friend that I no longer want to be a public figure, and that I am planning how to make it all end. She tells me, “You’ve got to do what is the best for you, even if it’s something that the rest of us wants and can’t imagine giving up.” 

I ask myself, did I want this? It would be more flattering to say I didn’t, and play the role of the hermetic author whose work developed its own life purely because it was so good. But that isn’t true. 

From the moment I got a Myspace account in high school, I was publishing essays about my political views. I serialized multiple novels on Tumblr, guerilla marketing them with giveaways and custom-made images until they hit the Kindle sales charts. I have made memes, tried starting viral trends, coined phrases, and given hundreds of hours’ worth of media interviews. I write prescriptive nonfiction, for Christ’s sake. Of course people seek guidance from me. I offer it up! 

I have been strategic about how I dress, and my video backdrops, and retaken clips of myself speaking over and over again until they sounded right. I’ve hosted debates with my most vicious critics while I’m in the shower, started public beef with creators who had larger accounts than I did, and rushed to my keyboard when upsetting news broke, because I alone was possessed of the most correct take on it.

I wanted this. I didn’t know what this��was, this internet fame I was chasing, but I did all I could to make it mine. I thought that by writing so much, I would one day be able to escape myself, maybe really feel connected to other people. Instead it has meant never being able to stop thinking about myself: how I am seen, what I am working on, how it all fits together, what comes next. It has also meant being spoken about, theorized about, and criticized, and developing a firm exoskeleton of disdain between myself and the world. 

I believe now that that it is immoral for any person to be listened to by ninety thousand other people. Holding authority and status like that runs counter to my anarchic ideals. I am not more important or correct than anyone. I should not be trusted to tell people which commodities to buy, which companies not to support, what to read, what to think, what words to use, or how to conduct their lives. 

All the other animals know there is no one way that a creature “should” live. There is only the way that it does. The world has no consciousness, no beliefs. It cannot pass judgment. We only feel so watched and evaluated because we have covered the planet with so many millions of our eyes. But we can stop performing dignified human goodness at any moment. 

I think that celebrity is an evil, corrupting force that pits the human instinct for bonding against itself. Instead of appreciating the singing of our friends around the fire, we stream Chappell Roan until stalkers break into her house. Rather than playing card games together, we stan Twitch streamers, filling up their chats with highlighted messages until they acknowledge us. We long to be famous novelists because then we would have the social permission to write, and we don’t have the money or time to enjoy the activity on its own. 

I wrote about Chappell Roan, stalker stans, and how turning art into content creation ruins the work, and the creator's life. It's free to read in full (or have narrated to you by the app!) on Substack.

[fullsunstrawberry]

Dirty little secret

Synopsis: Childhood best friends' relationship is strained when you drunkenly sleep with his new best friend. Chenle’s panic about y/n regretting their one night stand turns into a secret relationship. Just as you think everything is fine, you're faced with the ultimatum: “It’s either him or me.” or in other words: A small silly little pinky promise will destroy a friendship

Genre: friends to lovers, hidden romance, forbidden (not really) lovers??

Content Warnings: swearing, dreamies getting drunk, mention of getting blackout drunk, one-night stand (not described), turned more, ANGST with fluffy end, Jisung is a little shit in this, very vanilia and sweet smut.

Word count: 7k

a/n: sorry this was a bit later than i expected for it come out! a lot of stuff popped up this weekend :( ALSO I HAVE TO TAG @lowkeychenle IN EVERYTHING CHENLE RELATED SOOOO LOVE YAH <3

Teaser Taglist: @haechansbbg @bunnychui @theandypark @bigjugz03 @babbymochiiii @xrminarlert34

"Come on! You never miss a hangout," Jisung whined into the phone.

“They always end up with me getting drunk and sleeping on the dorm couch, no thanks,” you replied.

“This time it’s at Chenle’s house. You can even sleep call dibs on his spare bedroom!” Jisung reasoned.

“I’m not getting out of this, am I?” You already knew the answer.

“Nope, see you later!”

Once Jisung ended the call, you had a moment to think. Great, you got yourself into another hangout. It’s not that you hate hanging out with the guys, but you've started to develop a little crush on Chenle.

He’s been extra flirty with you lately. It’s not because he likes you. He's been playful with everyone! Well, that's what you try to tell yourself.

But you can't like him! Jisung would go nuts. He was the one to introduce you to all the guys, promising you wouldn't like any of them when you were twelve. But it seems like Jisung has held you up to that silly pinky promise.

One time you told Jisung that Renjun's new haircut looked really good on him and he freaked out, claiming you were falling for him and it was against the “Bro code.” This made you confused because you’re pretty sure that's not what bro code is, but he looked very upset, so you didn't question it.

Now there is no way you will ever admit to liking Chenle. If he got upset with Renjun, you know he would be furious if you even flirted back with Chenle. That’s his best friend! He’s not the type to be happy about his boy and girl best friend dating. You're sure he’s told Chenle so you never took his flirting too seriously. But that didn't stop your heart from beating after every time he looked at you.

A group of guys yelled as soon as Chenle opened the door. “They’re already this rowdy,” you sighed, already coming up with excuses as to why you had to leave.

Chenle laughed at your disapproval written all over your face. “Stick by me, I swear I'm not as bad as them.”

You rolled your eyes, knowing that he was literally the loudest one. You let out a “mmh” before walking around him to be greeted with a bunch of “Y/NNNNs.” You could definitely tell they started drinking without you by the way Donghyuck reached out to you with grabby hands.

“Already starting without me!” you grabbed an already-opened beer on the table and took a swig out of it.

“It's not our fault you're always late,” Jaemin teased.

“Sorry, I have a life.”

“Reading fanfiction?” Renjun giggled.

“Can’t believe I'm already getting attacked, I just arrived!”

“I told you to stick by me,” Chenle laughed.

“You're right. It’s me and you now… Let’s get drunk!” You smiled, grabbing another beer to give to Chenle.

You're glad you didn't have to wake up on a couch hungover. Waking up in a bed surrounded by the comfiest blanket wrapped around you felt like heaven. Not ever wanting to wake up.

You stretched to feel the coldness of the other side of the bed. But your leg hit another leg that wasn't your own. You don’t remember anything after Donghyuck’s karaoke challenge. Did someone sleep over too? Mark was supposed to pick up the guys and bring them back to the dorm… Maybe he forgot?

Moving your head to see who ended up passed out with you, you froze.

“WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON?!?”

Should you look? Should you not look? You slowly turn your head to check who you fell asleep with. Maybe you didn't hook up with one of your friends… Maybe you were just overheated and took off your clothes.

Turning over, you yelp in shock. Chenle is still sleeping next to you. Even worse, he’s shirtless, and you don’t really want to check under the sheets to confirm your suspicions.

But before you could panic any further, you noticed that Chenle was still sound asleep, a peaceful expression on his face. You took a moment to calm yourself down and gather your thoughts. Maybe there was a logical explanation for this situation.

You carefully wiggled out of the bed, making sure not to disturb Chenle. As you grabbed your clothes scattered across the room, memories of last night started to flood back. The drunken laughter, the friendly banter, and the way all of the guys left. All you could remember was cleaning up the kitchen because you felt bad leaving it such a mess.

Then Chenle's hands grabbed yours in protest and said he would clean it up in the morning. But instead of agreeing you tried to pull his hands away which caused him to press into you.

Shaking your head to bring yourself back to reality you quickly threw your clothes back on and made your way downstairs. Needing some water because of how dry your throat felt. You didn't want to even think about why your throat hurt...

Once downstairs you can finally think about what the hell just happened. But no, life hates you. Instead, you were met with Mark washing dishes.

"Finally you woke up" Mark laughed before turning around and being met with a face he did not expect to see.

"Why did you come down from Chenle’s room?" 

You blinked at Mark's question, trying to come up with a plausible response. "Oh, I just woke up and wanted some water," you stammered, attempting to act casual.

Mark raised an eyebrow, his expression skeptical. "Water? Really? Because it looked like you were in quite a rush to get out of there."

You felt the heat rising to your cheeks as you fumbled for words. "I just... didn't want to disturb Chenle. He's still sleeping, and I didn't want to wake him up."

Mark's eyes narrowed, studying your face. "Uh-huh. Sure." He seemed unconvinced, but he didn't press further. Instead, he went back to washing the dishes.

You took the opportunity to escape the awkward situation and headed towards the kitchen table “What do I do Mark, I fucked up.” 

Mark sighed, turned off the water, and dried his hands on a kitchen towel before looking at you with a serious expression. "Well, it depends on what you want. Did something happen between you and Chenle last night?"

You hesitated for a moment before deciding to be honest with Mark. "I don't remember much, but I woke up in his bed, and I think we hooked up. I have no idea what went down, and I'm panicking."

Mark sighed again, his expression softening. "Look, Y/N, shit happens. People get drunk, things get blurry. Maybe nothing happened, or maybe something did. The important thing is to communicate with Chenle. Figure out what both of you remember and how you both feel about it."

"But what if he thinks it’s gross or something?" you worriedly questioned.

Mark shook his head. "Chenle is a good guy, and he knows how things can happen when everyone's been drinking. Just talk to him. Honesty is the key here."

Taking a deep breath, you nodded. 

• ──────── •

Before you could process the situation, the sound of hurried footsteps echoed down the stairs. Chenle, struggling to pull on his hoodie and hastily reaching for his keys, descended in a rush of movement.

"Easy there, you going to hurt yourself" Mark teased, chuckling as Chenle glanced up with an expression of sheer panic.

"Mark, fuck! I messed up big time. Y/N's going to hate me, and she'll never want to see me again. I genuinely like her, and I've messed everything up," Chenle exclaimed, the urgency in his voice evident.

Mark raised an eyebrow, exchanging a knowing look with you. "Well, you might want to talk to her about that instead of assuming the worst," he suggested.

Chenle's eyes widened as he finally noticed your presence. "Y/N, I... I'm so sorry if I did something wrong. I don't really remember what happened, but I know we something did happen, and now I'm just freaking out," he rambled, looking genuinely distressed.

You took a deep breath, trying to ease the tension in the room. "Chenle, let's just talk about it, okay? I don't remember much either, but panicking won't help. We need to figure out what actually happened and how we both feel about it."

Chenle nodded, relief washing over his face. "Yeah, you're right. We should talk." He looked at Mark, who gave him an encouraging nod. 

“This is something you two have to figure out.” Mark grabbed his jacket and left. 

As Mark left, you and Chenle sat down at the kitchen table, exchanging nervous glances. The awkwardness in the air was noticeable, but both of you knew that avoiding the conversation wouldn't solve anything.

"Okay, so, let's try to piece together what happened last night," you suggested, breaking the silence.

Chenle nodded, his eyes focused on the table. "I remember the guys leaving, and you were helping me with the dishes. Then... things got a bit blurry."

You sighed, realizing that your memories matched his. "Yeah, I remember that too. But after that, it's all a blur. I woke up in your bed, and we're both... well, you know."

Chenle ran his fingers through his hair, looking frustrated. "I don't want things to be weird between us. I genuinely like you, Y/N. I just hope I didn't mess everything up."

You reached out, placing a comforting hand on his. "Chenle, I really like you too. Maybe we can start over?"

Chenle's eyes brightened at your words, a genuine smile forming on his face. "Yeah, let's start over. How about I take you to a restaurant and we can finish this conversation.” 

“Are you asking me on a date!” You smiled.

Chenle grinned, nodding enthusiastically. "Yeah, I am. I think we could both use a fresh start. We can go right now!”

You laughed and shook your head ‘no’ “We can go later, I have to get ready for it.”

“Oh…yeah ops” Chenle laughed standing back up “How about tonight?” 

“Can’t wait a little longer?” You teased.

“Hell no! Not when it comes to you.”

You couldn't help but blush at Chenle's enthusiastic response. "Alright then, tonight it is. I'll make sure to be ready for our date."

Chenle grinned, his excitement contagious. "Perfect! I'll pick you up later. 

• ──────── •

As you got ready for the date, you took extra care with your appearance. You wanted to make a good impression, to show Chenle that you were genuinely interested in exploring this connection further. You could already feel the butterflies in your stomach

The hours crept by slowly, each minute feeling like an eternity as anticipation filled the air.

 Finally, the moment arrived. Chenle looked exceptionally handsome in his casual attire, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He smiled warmly as he handed them to you, his eyes filled with genuine affection.

"You look…beautiful," he said softly, causing your cheeks to flush with a rosy hue.

"Thank you," you replied, feeling yourself becoming more at ease in his presence. "You look pretty amazing yourself."

Chenle chuckled and offered you his arm. "Shall we?” 

You linked your arm with his, nodding with a smile. "Let's go."

The date with Chenle was everything you’d hoped for and more. The restaurant was a familiar place, a small little shop that you once mentioned wanting to visit before. The atmosphere was cozy and inviting, with wooden tables, soft cushions, and flickering candles that cast gentle shadows on the walls. Soft music played in the background, a soothing blend of piano and strings that set the perfect mood for the evening.

Chenle was charming from the moment he sat down, his eyes sparkling with excitement and if you didn’t know him well you could have missed the nervousness he expressed through his body language. He pulled your chair out for you, a sweet gesture that made your heart flutter. 

“You remembered?” you asked, trying to sound casual.

“Of course I did,” he replied, a smile playing on his lips. “I’ve been looking forward to taking you here.” You tried to keep your blush in check, but his smile made it impossible. 

His earlier jitters seemed to fade as the night went on, replaced by genuine enthusiasm. He asked about your day, listened intently, and shared stories that made you laugh, his laughter infectious. It was clear he had put thought into every aspect of the evening, from the restaurant choice to the easy flow of conversation.

Throughout the evening, Chenle’s attentiveness and charm were evident. He complimented you effortlessly. “I know I already told you but you look absolutely beautiful,” he said sincerely.

“Thank you,” you said, feeling your cheeks warm. “You’re not looking too shabby yourself.” You joked, earning a small laugh from him.

As the waiter brought your dishes, Chenle made a toast. “To a fantastic evening and getting to know each other even better.”

You clinked glasses. “To new beginnings.”

You both laughed together, “Was that too cheesy?” Chenle asked. 

You shook your head no, “This is just crazy, I didn’t expect all of this from you. You know? Being so romantic!”

Chenle chuckled, his eyes softening as he looked at you. "I wanted to make sure our first real date was special. I know things got off to a confusing start, but I really like you, Y/N. I want to see where this can go."

Your heart fluttered at his words, feeling a warmth spread on your cheeks. "I really like you too, Chenle. And I appreciate all the effort you've put into tonight."

The conversation flowed easily. You shared stories, jokes, and dreams, discovering things you never knew about each other. Chenle's eyes never left yours, his gaze soft.

“You know,” Chenle said, leaning in slightly, “I’ve been really looking forward to this. It’s been a while since I’ve had a date where I felt this comfortable.”

“I’m glad you’re having a good time,” you said, your heart fluttering at his words. “I am too.”

During a brief pause in the conversation, Chenle reached across the table and took your hand. “I’ve been thinking,” he said softly, “I really enjoy being with you. I’d love for us to spend more time together, if you’re up for it.”

Your heart skipped a beat. “I’d like that a lot.”

Chenle smiled, a mix of relief and happiness on his face. “Great. I was hoping you would.”

As the night drew to a close, Chenle walked you to your door. The night air was cool against your skin, a gentle breeze rustling the leaves overhead. 

“Do you think we can make this a regular thing?” Chenle asked, his voice hopeful.

You smiled warmly. “I’d like that a lot.”

Chenle’s face lit up with a bright, genuine grin. “Me too. I’m really glad we talked things through.”

He leaned in, and for a brief, breathless moment, you thought he might kiss you. But instead, he pulled you into a warm hug, holding you close.

When you finally pulled away and said goodnight, you closed the door with a smile on your face, feeling like you were floating on air. Chenle had gone beyond all your expectations, and as you leaned against the door, you couldn’t help but replay the night in your mind, already missing him. 

Reaching into your bag you grabbed your phone and called Chenle. The phone rang a couple of times before he picked up. 

“Hey, you miss me already?” Chenle’s voice came through the phone. 

You chuckled at his playful tone. “Maybe… only just a little bit.” 

“What’s on your mind?” Chenle's voice held a teasing lilt as he waited for your response.

You hesitated for a moment, mumbling “Just wishing you would have kissed me”

Chenle went silent for a moment, and you could almost hear the smile in his voice when he spoke again. "Well, I can fix that."

Before you could even process his words, you heard a light knock on your door. Confusion filled you as you made your way back, wondering if your mind was playing tricks on you. As you opened the door, there stood Chenle, breath heavy.

"Surprise," he said softly.

Your heart leaped in your chest as Chenle closed the gap between you, cupping your face gently with his free hand. Leaning in, Chenle pressed his lips against yours in a soft, tender kiss.

As Chenle pulled back slightly, his eyes searched yours for any sign of hesitation or discomfort. But all he found was a dazed smile on your face. With a chuckle, he leaned in again, deepening the kiss.

His hands found your waist and he pressed you further into your house. With one foot, he closed the door behind him, never breaking the kiss between you two.

Chenle pulled away, a small whine leaving your lips in the absence of his touch. He chuckled before making sure your door was locked and turning back towards you. 

Without a word, Chenle lifted you effortlessly into his arms, carrying you towards the living room and towards your bedroom. He set you down gently on your bed, his eyes never leaving yours as he caressed your cheek with a tender touch.

The tension filled the room. Chenle's gaze was intense, you could feel your heart racing.

"I've been thinking of you," he confessed, his voice husky with emotion. "I can't hold back anymore."

You reached up to cup his face, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath your fingertips. "Then don't," you whispered, barely able to believe this was really happening

Chenle’s lips met yours again in an instant, this kiss deeper and more urgent. His hands roamed your sides, pulling you closer, each touch sending shivers down your spine and making you dizzy with desire.

He broke the kiss, resting his forehead against yours as you both caught your breath. “Are you sure about this?” he asked, his voice soft, breathless, but filled with genuine concern.

You nodded, your fingers brushing through his hair. “Yes, I’m sure,” you whispered.

Chenle smiled, his expression softening. “Good,” he murmured, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. He trailed kisses down your jawline, his touch igniting every nerve in your body. You tugged him closer, and he responded eagerly, deepening the kiss once more.

Chenle’s movements grew more confident, more assured, as he felt your response. He gently guided you back against the couch, his body hovering over yours. His kisses grew more passionate and demanding as his hands continued to explore. You could feel the tension building between you, the air thick with anticipation of what was going to happen.

In one swift motion, he pulled away just long enough to remove his shirt, tossing it aside before his hands returned to you, now with a new urgency. You mirrored his actions, discarding your dress and pulling him back down, feeling the sensation of his skin against yours. The closeness amplified every touch.

Chenle’s lips trailed down your body, leaving a path of kisses along your collarbone and down to your chest. His hands were everywhere, exploring, teasing, learning every curve and contour of your body. A soft moan escaped your lips as his kisses became more insistent, his mouth and hands working together to drive you wild.

You pulled him closer, needing to feel him, to have every inch of him pressed against you. Your hands roamed his back, your nails lightly scratching as you both lost yourselves in the heat of the moment.

“God, I’ve been wanting this for so long,” Chenle murmured against your skin as he pushed into you. His words sent a fresh wave of warmth through you, and you responded by wrapping your legs around his waist, drawing him even closer. The sensation of him against you, the weight of his body, the heat between you—it was almost too much.

Your breaths mingled, rapid and uneven, as the rhythm between you quickened. Chenle’s hands moved with purpose, guiding your hips as you moved together, a perfect and desperate synchrony that had you both gasping. You could feel every beat of his heart, every shiver of anticipation as you inched closer and closer to the edge.

“Fuck, i’m so close” Chenle groaned, picking up his pace. You couldn’t even respond, only broken moans leaving your lips.

As both of you hit your climax together, moans and gasps filled the room, giving way to an intense wave of pleasure that washed over you both.

Chenle pulled back slightly, his forehead resting against yours as he met your gaze. He wanted to say something but he didn’t instead his body collapsed against the sheets next to you.

His arms wrapped around you tightly, his fingers tracing soothing patterns on your back as you both lay in a comfortable silence. “I don’t want this to end,” he said softly, pressing a kiss to your temple.

As you drifted off to sleep in Chenle’s arms, the events of the night replayed in your mind, leaving you with a sense of contentment you hadn’t felt in a long time. You didn’t know what was going to happen next.

• ──────── •

Over the next few weeks, your bond with Chenle grew stronger, despite your attempts to keep things under wraps—especially from Jisung. But it was becoming harder to hide. Chenle’s growing affection was obvious, and your friends were starting to pick up on the subtle changes in your behavior.

Chenle conviced the guys to start doing movie night at the guy’s dorms instead of his house. Telling everyone that his house was a mess and he didn’t want to clean it. Hiding the real reason. That they started catching on to you staying later than everyone else. He wanted to be able to hang out after, just the two of you. 

“What are we watching tonight?” Mark asked, plopping down in the middle of the couch.

“Avatar,” Renjun suggested.

Donghyuck groaned. “Not Avatar again!”

“We watched *Top Gun* last time, so let’s watch the sequel,” you offered, taking your usual spot at the end of the couch.

Mark nodded and started searching for the movie.

Chenle slid in beside you, so casually that you didn’t think much of it. But in hindsight, you should have known it would cause some tension.

When Jisung finally joined with the popcorn, he automatically moved to sit next to you, just as he always did. But when he saw Chenle already there, he hesitated before sitting down beside him, hiding his confusion. If you hadn’t been so focused on Chenle, you might have noticed the brief furrow in Jisung’s brow. Instead, you were caught up in the excitement of being close to Chenle, hoping to sneak a few quiet moments together.

As the movie began and Jeno turned off the lights, you tried to relax, but Chenle’s presence beside you made your heart race. When his arm brushed against yours and his fingeres brushing against your thigh. Each small touch sent a shiver down your spine.

Jisung, sitting just inches away, stared at the screen, his face unreadable. He usually laughed along with everyone, throwing in his own jokes, but tonight he was unusually quiet. Occasionally, his eyes would drift toward you and Chenle, only to snap back to the movie when you glanced his way. If any of your friends noticed his unease, they didn’t mention it.

Jaemin, oblivious to the tension, tossed a piece of popcorn at Donghyuck after another snide remark about the movie. The usual banter continued, but you could feel a strange tension in the air, something you couldn’t quite understand.

A few scenes into the movie, Chenle’s hand found yours, his fingers lightly brushing yours before intertwining them. The simple gesture felt both comforting and thrilling. You knew you should be more careful, especially with Jisung so close, but it was hard to resist Chenle’s attention.

Jisung shifted uncomfortably. Though you were focused on Chenle, the small movement caught your attention. You turned to look at him just as he glanced away, his expression closed off and distant. It was so unlike him, and it tugged at your conscience.

Suddenly, Jeno, who had been relatively quiet, cleared his throat, catching everyone’s attention. “So... anyone notice how cozy these two are getting?” He nodded toward you and Chenle, a smirk on his face.

The room fell silent for a moment. Your cheeks burned as you pulled your hand from Chenle’s, hoping the dim lighting hid your embarrassment. Chenle chuckled softly, trying to play it off, but you could feel the tension building.

Jaemin snickered. “Took you long enough to notice, Jeno.”

You tried to laugh along, but the awkwardness was overwhelming. Jisung’s face remained unreadable, though you noticed his jaw tighten slightly. You wanted to say something to ease the tension, but the words wouldn’t come.

Mark, always the peacemaker, tried to steer the focus back to the movie. “Alright, let’s just watch the movie, yeah?”

But the mood had shifted. The lighthearted atmosphere was gone, and the weight of unspoken words hung in the air. Jisung’s silence was the most noticeable, and you had a sinking feeling that this wouldn’t end well.

As the movie played on, you found it increasingly difficult to concentrate. Instead, your thoughts swirled, questions nagging at you. What did Jisung think? Is he mad at you and Chenle? And more importantly, why did it matter so much?

When the film ended, everyone scattered—some headed to the kitchen for snacks, while others stayed on the couch, chatting. You felt a strange mix of relief and anxiety, glad that the movie was over but nervous about what might happen next.

As you stood up to stretch, you noticed Jisung was still on the couch, his eyes fixed on the screen as if deep in thought. You hesitated, feeling an urge to talk to him, to address the tension. But before you could do anything, Chenle leaned in close, his voice soft.

“I’m sorry,” Chenle whispered in your ear.

You couldn’t help but smile a little. Turning to face him, you whispered back, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Squeezing his hand lightly, trying to comfort him.

But you quickly pulled your hand away when you heard Jisung yell, “What is going on?!”

The room fell into a tense silence as Jisung’s voice echoed, his sudden outburst freezing everyone in place. All eyes turned to him, but his gaze was fixed on you and Chenle, a mix of confusion and hurt etched across his face.

You felt your heart drop, panic rising in your chest. Jisung rarely lost his cool, and seeing him like this made the situation all the more real. Chenle, who had been so calm and collected moments before, shifted uncomfortably beside you, clearly taken aback by Jisung's reaction.

Mark was the first to break the silence, his voice tentative. "Jisung, hey, it's just a movie night. Let's all just—"

But Jisung wasn’t having it. "No, it’s not just a movie night, Mark," he snapped, his eyes narrowing as he looked at Chenle. "Something's been going on, and no one's saying anything!"

You opened your mouth to say something, anything, to calm him down, but the words caught in your throat.

Chenle, sensing your distress, took a small step forward, placing himself slightly between you and Jisung. "Jisung, listen, it’s not what you think—"

"Then what is it?" Jisung demanded, his voice laced with frustration. "Because it sure looks like you two have been hiding something from all of us. From me."

The hurt in his voice cut through you, and guilt twisted in your stomach. Jisung wasn’t just angry; he was hurt. And you knew why. He’d always been open with his feelings, always the one to bring everyone together, and now, he felt left out—betrayed, even.

Donghyuck, usually the one to defuse any tension with a joke, stood awkwardly to the side. Renjun and Jaemin exchanged worried glances, while Jeno just stared at the floor, avoiding eye contact with anyone.

You took a deep breath, finally finding the courage to speak. "Jisung, I'm sorry. We didn’t mean to keep anything from you."

"Then why did you?" Jisung’s voice was softer now, but the hurt was still there, raw and real.

"Because we didn’t even know what was happening," you admitted, your voice shaking slightly. "We didn’t want to make things weird or hurt anyone’s feelings. Especially not yours."

Chenle nodded in agreement, his expression serious. "We weren’t trying to keep secrets, Jisung. It just…happened. And we’re sorry for how it’s affected you."

Jisung looked between the two of you, the anger slowly draining from his face, replaced by something sadder, more vulnerable. "I just don’t get why you didn’t talk to me. You always talk to me."

You felt tears prick at the corners of your eyes. Jisung had always been there for you, always ready to listen, to help, and now you realized how much your secrecy had hurt him. "I’m sorry," you whispered, stepping closer to him. "I should have talked to you. I just…I just I didn’t want to mess up our friendship.”

For a long, tense moment, Jisung said nothing. His eyes were fixed on the floor, his thoughts clearly in turmoil. The room was thick with tension, everyone holding their breath, waiting for his response.

When he finally looked up, his expression was calmer, but there was a guardedness in his eyes that hadn't been there before. "You promised me," he said softly, the words tinged with quiet betrayal. "We promised never to keep secrets from each other."

Suddenly, his calm facade cracked, and anger surged through him. He pointed sharply at Chenle, his voice rising with emotion. "YOU PROMISED ME!"

Chenle looked down, guilt written across his face as Jisung continued, his voice trembling with a mix of hurt and frustration. "You promised me that you would never go after her. She was supposed to be off-limits."

The room seemed to shrink, the weight of Jisung's words hanging heavy in the air. Everyone else was too shocked to speak.

Chenle flinched at Jisung’s accusation, his expression one of regret and confusion. "Jisung," he began, voice barely above a whisper, "I didn’t plan any of this. I didn’t think I’d—"

"That’s the problem!" Jisung cut him off, his voice shaking. "You didn’t think! You just… acted. Everything is a joke to you."

You could feel the tears welling up, your heart aching at the sight of Jisung so broken, so unlike his usual self. This was the Jisung who’d been your rock, the one who always made you laugh when you were down, and now, you were the one who’d hurt him.

"Jisung, please," you pleaded, your voice cracking. "I didn’t know how to handle this. I never wanted to hurt you."

The room remained silent, everyone acutely aware that they were intruding on something intensely personal. Jeno shifted uncomfortably, Renjun bit his lip, and Donghyuck looked like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words.

You finally broke the tense silence, your voice trembling. 'What can I do...?'

“Stop,” Jisung interrupted, his tone firm and unyielding. You frowned, confused by the sudden command.

“Stop this right now,” he said, frustration clear in his voice.

Before you could reply, Chenle spoke up, concern in his tone. “Jisung, what are you trying to say—”

“It’s either me or him,” Jisung interrupted, his eyes fixed on you with intensity.

Chenle glanced at you, waiting for your answer, but you found yourself unable to speak.

Before you could gather your thoughts, Chenle stepped back from you. “She chooses you.”

As he left, he murmured, “I’m not going to force you to choose.”

When the door closed behind him, an uneasy silence fell over the room. You looked around, noticing the apologetic expressions on the other guys’ faces.

You got all your stuff before looking at Jisung one more time and let out a small “I’m really sorry.” before leaving. 

• ──────── •

Days turned into weeks before you were able to hang out with the boys again. When you finally did, it was clear that Chenle wasn’t himself. The atmosphere felt strained and uneasy.

Chenle's usually cheerful demeanor was not there, and he seemed distant, lost in his own thoughts. The conversations among the group felt forced, and laughter that used to come easily now seemed rare.

As the day wore on, you found yourself increasingly concerned. When you finally got a moment alone with Chenle, you decided to address the issue.

“Hey, it’s nice seeing you again.”

Chenle smiled a little bit, “It’s nice seeing you too.” A moment off awkward silence settled between you two. 

“Y/n, lets start over…For everyones sake.”

You nodded, a smile on your face. You’ll finally get to see Chenle again. Hopefully the group hangouts would go back to normal. 

As you were clouded with hope, Chenle’s emotions were different. He didn’t want to pretend to be fine. But he would do anything for you.  As the guys returned Chenle put a small on his face and started being like his old self. The guys all started to brighten up. You couldn’t help but smile. Everything was going back to normal…Finally. 

• ──────── •

You were worried to have another movie night. Every movie night seems to be the cause of something bad.

But you didnt want to let it affect you. Chenle has been working very hard on restoring the peace. It had been weeks since the fight between you, Jisung, and Chenle. However things started to improve, you couldn’t shake off the worry that it might all go wrong again. But Chenle had been putting in a lot of effort to smooth things over, and you hoped the peace would last.

When the night finally arrived, the atmosphere was lighter than it had been in weeks. Chenle was trying his best to act like his old self, and it seemed like he was succeeding— at least on the surface. The guys were chatting and laughing, and you couldn’t help but feel a flicker of hope.

Mark, Renjun, and Jaemin were debating which movie to watch, and you joined in with a smile, trying to enjoy the moment. Donghyuck was making jokes, and the room was filled with a sense of normalcy that you hadn’t felt in a long time.

Chenle, sitting next to you, seemed to be genuinely enjoying himself. He threw a playful glance your way and nudged you with his shoulder, trying to break through the lingering awkwardness. You appreciated the effort and responded with a smile, though a part of you was still on edge.

Jisung sat down on the floor, across from you. “Oh Y/n, I met a guy who I think you would get along with.” 

You glanced sideways and noticed Chenle stiffen next to you. His casual demeanor from earlier seemed to waver, and a flicker of discomfort crossed his face. You tried to keep your expression neutral, though you were tense.

“oh um…” You didn’t know how to react. How could Jisung even ask that? Let alone around everyone else. 

Jisung not understanding or not caring about your discomfort continued. “He’s really into music and literature, and he’s got this great sense of humor. I think you two would get along really well.”

Chenle shifted slightly, his hand moving to rest on his knee. You could feel the subtle change in his body language, his usual act replaced by a subtle unease.

Jaemin, noticing the tension, lightly shoved Jisung on the shoulder “Come on, stop that.”

Jisung shrugged, “I’ll send you his number.” 

This was the final straw for Chenle. His demeanor shifted suddenly, his earlier attempts at playing civil were gone.. He stood up, unable to mask his frustration any longer.

“You’re cruel,” Chenle interjected, his voice tighter than usual, “Don’t act like im not right here.”

The room fell into a stunned silence. The casual banter ceased, replaced by an awkward tension that hung heavily in the air. Chenle’s outburst had caught everyone off guard, and even Jisung looked taken aback.

You quickly turned to Chenle, trying to offer a reassuring smile, but it was clear that the situation was beyond the point of acting like everything was fine. You felt a pang of guilt for not dealing with the situation better. 

“I’m sorry, Chenle,” you said softly, reaching out for his hand. 

Chenle took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. “It’s not your fault, It was never your fault.”

“You know,” Chenle turned to Jisung, “I don’t care about your feelings! I love Y/N and im not going to let you hurt her anymore.” 

Jisung’s expression morphed from surprise to defensiveness, his features hardening as he stood up to face Chenle. The room was silent, tension crackling in the air as the two boys locked eyes in a silent battle.

“Hey, calm down,��� Mark interjected, attempting to diffuse the escalating fight. But Chenle was not going to back down again, his gaze unwavering as he continued to address Jisung.

“You think you can just come in here and act like everything’s fine after what happened?” Chenle’s voice rose with each word, his frustration and hurt pouring out. “I’m not going to stand by and watch you hurt Y/n again.”

Jisung’s jaw clenched, his fists tightening at his sides. “Im not hurting Y/n, you are hurting her!” he shot back, his own anger bubbling to the surface.

Renjun stepped forward, speaking calmly but firmly. “Guys, let's all take a step back and calm down,” he suggested, his voice cutting through the charged atmosphere. “This isn't helping anyone.”

Chenle and Jisung both paused, their eyes locked in a silent battle. 

“We need to talk this out calmly,” Renjun continued, his gaze shifting between the two of them. “We're all friends here, and we can work through this together.”

“Shut up Renjun! I’m tired of everyone acting like nothing happened!” Chenle’s frustration boiled over. “Y/n deserves better than this.” 

Chenle stormed off again. Reminding you off what happened at the last movie night. 

Everyone’s eyes were on you now. “Did he say he loves me…” you whispered to yourself, still stuck on Chenle’s words.

You stood there, the weight of his words hanging heavy in the air. The room was filled with a tense silence as everyone processed what had just unfolded. Jisung's expression softened, a flicker of realization crossing his features as he glanced at you.

But before anyone could even say anything you got up from your seat and ran out the door in search for Chenle. 

But the door to the elevator was already shutting before you could say anything.

You sprinted towards the stairs, heart pounding in your chest. The thought of Chenle, hurt and upset, fueled your speed. As you reached the stairwell, you hesitated for a moment before taking the steps two at a time.

When you finally got to the ground floor, you scanned the area frantically, trying to catch a glimpse of Chenle. His words kept echoing in your mind. You couldn't let him walk away like this, not again.

But he wasnt in the lobby.

You pushed open the glass doors of the building, stepping out into the cool night air. The street was quiet, with only a few scattered passersby making their way along the sidewalk. You glanced left and right, unsure of which way Chenle might have gone.

Your heart raced as you spotted a figure sitting on a bench in the park across the street. You knew it was Chenle. Without a second thought, you hurried across the road towards him.

"Chenle!" you called out, your voice echoing in the stillness of the night. He turned to look at you, surprise flickering in his eyes before he quickly averted his gaze.

You reached his side, breathless from your sprint down the stairs. "Chenle," you whispered between deep breaths reaching out to touch his arm.

Before you could go on a rampage of apologies, Chenle couldn’t help but laughed. 

"I can't believe you ran all the way down here just to chase after me," Chenle said, a small smile playing on his lips. His eyes met yours, the tension that had filled the air was gone.

You couldn't help but let out a breathy laugh, relieved to see a glimpse of the Chenle you knew and cared for. "You’re worth it." 

Chenle's smile widened as he shifted on the bench, making room for you to sit beside him. You settled down, the cool night air wrapping around you both as you sat in comfortable silence for a moment.

"I'm sorry for running off like that," Chenle began, his tone softer now. "I just... I couldn't stand seeing you upset, especially because of me."

“Can you stop blaming yourself!”

Chenle looked at you, his eyes softening. He reached out and gently took your hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"I just want you to be happy, Y/n," Chenle said sincerely, his gaze searching yours. "I don't ever want to be the cause of your pain."

Taking a deep breath, you started, "Chenle, you have never been the cause of my pain," you said, turning so your body was facing him. "You've always been there for me, always caring and understanding. I appreciate you more than words can express."

Chenle's eyes widened slightly, before a soft smile spread on his face. “So what now?”

Chenle's smile was always contagious, and you found yourself mirroring it as you gazed into his eyes.

"Now," you began, your voice steady as you spoke, "you kiss me."

Chenle's lips curved into a smile. “You’re such a romantic.” Chenle joked, causing you to roll your eyes as he leaned in closer. His lips met yours in a gentle kiss. It was soft and sweet. All of your worries melted away. As long has you have eachother, everything is going to be okay.

© 2024 fullsunstrawberry all rights reserved — please DO NOT translate, take, nor repost any of my works on other social media’s. reblogs and comments are appreciated a lot!

nct dream taglist: @lostinneocity @naqkja

general taglist: @haechansbbg @haolovre @talkingsaxy @chenlesfeetpic

[valtsv]

This isn't a gotcha, so please don't take it as such, but would yuou be willing to explain what it is about VAL that makes her such a favourite of yours? I can't stand her myself, she comes across to me as a bully given god-like power that she abuses for her own amusement, and I've seen you acknowledge as much, but we draw completely different conclusions from that. I just want to understand your perspective.

i've been anticipating a question like this for a while now, so i'm more than happy to answer for you!

you're right, VAL is in some ways a "bully given godlike power" as you put it, and there's no avoiding that (nor do i want to). and yeah, i do like her in part because of that, because i have a fondness for horrible fictional characters and in particular "bad victim" archetypes, of which VAL certainly is one. but i think what makes her compelling to me, rather than repulsive, is that she is fundamentally a cautionary tale and a tragedy. in-universe, she's the scapegoat. the example. the "make the right choices or this could be you". she's inescapably, heartbreakingly human in her awfulness, and that makes her terrifying, but it also makes her deeply sad (at least to me).

i also strongly believe in rehabilitative/restorative justice, so for me, wanting better for VAL is about my real-world principles to a degree. i can't and won't argue that VAL doesn't function as an uncomfortable allusion to a lot of atrocious crimes against humanity (by humanity) within the narative, and that anyone who finds her upsetting or even hateful for these reasons is absolutely justified in doing so. however, she's still a fantasy entity at the end of the day. she's not a 1:1 stand-in for real-world abuses any more than, say, a vampire or werewolf, which plenty of people are more than happy to explore the nuances of. and there's also the question of what punitive measures would even achieve in her case, beyond personal satisfaction for the one administering or spectating them (which is not to say that wanting to punch VAL makes you as bad as she is, just that her arc is, among other things, about how cycles of abuse and violence perpetuate). the worst that could possibly happen to her has already happened. she's been tortured. she's been taken advantage of for her mistaken belief that working for and with the system has the opportunity to benefit her, and died for it. there's nothing to be "learned" from her punishment that hasn't already been shown to us. that she hasn't already internalised. if she were ever to develop a stable conscience, that would be punishment enough in my opinion.

despite being a victim of people not entirely unlike VAL, i personally am not her victim, so treating her with sympathy and kindness whilst acknowledging the elephant in the room that is her many (fictional) war crimes is not something that requires any cognitive dissonance on my behalf. i would cautiously argue that the narrative agrees with me somewhat in this regard - the few times VAL is treated to a genuine act of kindness with no ulterior motives, it shatters her composure and outward conviction that what she's doing is necessary for her personal satisfaction, and even prompts her to reconsider on occasion (sparing the woodsman comes to mind). i'm not saying anyone needs to hug her and tell her she's valid, but if all it takes is some genuine good intent to get her to engage in introspection, i'm willing to be the person to offer it.

[fudgelling-away]

Dating Start!

The visual novel fan game.

I watched the gameplay on YouTube.

All possible choices...

The writing under the cut starts with exclamations of my distress, and ends with a coherent commentary on how experiencing such virtual scenarios can benefit the player.

I don't think there are spoilers... Other than the fact that you can go multiple ways through the game.

The genocide route plus the attempted pacifist route afterwards.

HORRIBLE.

OMG.

And when you try to do the pacifist route again? Did you see how it ends?

MY GOD, NO. No. no. no no no.

What a sickening turn of events. This is... Ugh, I am nauseaus even thinking back to it.

No. No.

Ewwww noooo what the f-

I have been upset for DAYS after watching it. And the pictures and the dialogue is still burned into my mind.

TERRIFYING.

DISGUSTING.

EVIL.

Congratulations to the creators - and I mean it.

That is... so well made. Just... perfect punch after punch after punch to your heart. The creators ripped me apart into pieces.

Great job - again, not ironically.

That is a very, very well made game.

They knew exactly what to do to make it as painful as possible. To get all tears out of the player and to traumatize them for some time.

It's not brutal or cruel in a mindless way, no. No, no. It's way more intelligent than that. It creates such a horrific scenario, paired with the horrific pictures, that I don't think I'll ever forget it. And I only saw a YouTube video.

In comparison to Dating Start!, the normal UT Sans fight is like a happy picnic in the park.

"But it's just a game, aren't you overreacting?", you could ask. Well, no. I am enjoying artwork like pictures, movies, games to get immersed into it and experience it all. If I keep my shield up and do not allow myself to feel what the characters are feeling... then what's the point?

What's the point of even approaching art if I refuse to feel any of it?

So Dating Start! is obviously a game, but if you imagine it being a reality, imagine yourself holding that knife, it gets so painful that I want to wail and scream my lungs out.

That being said, I appreciate artists who create these kinds of difficult works so much.

I believe we choose a variety of art for ourselves because we need different stimuli. If our life was 100% fluff, we'd drown in it and become numb.

So we consume angst, tragedies, horror and other unpleasant works.

We consider those scenarios.

We think of the possible choices.

We come to terms with our worldview, or challenge it.

We grow.

We process those real emotions and learn so many things about ourselves and problem solving.

We keep developing our sense of conscience.

--------

And, to sum up I will say something to make sure I am understood correctly:

Let people explore all sides of humanity within the safety of their fantasies.

It is NOT possible to judge a person by what they create and what art they enjoy. Human mind is not black and white.

Choosing to perceive it like that: "violent art = violent person" is INCREDIBLY IMMATURE. Ridiculously childlish and small-minded.

So I am absolutely NOT judging anyone who for one reason or another enjoys doing the genocide routes in games. I enjoy to be the "bad guy" in games as well.

No judgement from my side. That should be... obvious, but I think it's not, so I am making sure to include that in my post.

[missedmilemarkers]

Hi again!! Figured that since you were technically open to any question, I want to hear your thoughts or views on this. I'm not sure if I could message you (because I'm very awkward and I can't exactly hold a conversation based on small topics) But, how do you feel about choosing something practically over passion? This question has always plagued me ever since it was brought up during class, and it provoked to me how practically was always chosen over passion as it would technically "help" them more than pursuing their passion.

Was choosing tech for you a more practical choice or were you passionate about it? I don't want to sound rude over this question, but it only occurred to me when you mentioned that you were working in a field that is quite more on the technical side. Do you see it as something similar to an art form as you develop products that could help improve lives tremendously? Or is it just a job that you expect to pay good?

(P.S Sharing these photos I took some time ago, I believe it was last year and it was submitted for a class. Hope you enjoy them as well! Not as much sun as the last one though)

First off. Before going into any of the content of this post. THAT GIANT SNAIL IS SOO COOL! I just recently found out that they exist and was just amazed by the size of them. GREAT PICTURE!!!

Alright lets unpack the content of this ask.

TLDR:

You got this I believe in you. Stand tall and proud and go for whatever your heart and head want. If they disagree pick one and evaluate later. Even if your heart and head dont know that is OK as the story of your life unfolds the path will become clear. If you are honest you can always move with confidence and never lose a moment of sleep.

I am choosing to dive deep into this again for a few different reasons. The reason I am doing this you are at a moment in time which you perceive to be important (final exams, deciding about life etc etc etc). The unfortunate thing is this moment is no more important then any other you will experience. All it is would nothing more then a "MileMarker" which you will use for evaluation later in life. That does not mean its not important. All that means is every decision you made every action you took got you to the moment you are in RIGHT NOW. So dont worry no matter your choice you will always make the right decision. Even if its wrong you will always gain insight and that insight will always lead to success if passion is applied.

how do you feel about choosing something practically over passion?

I am not sure if there is exactly a correct answer for this one. If there is I think the best one would be do whatever makes you happy, and the only way to find out what makes you happy is to try. One thing I have learned is sometimes money or love is not enough. One can have all the money in the world and be miserable. Same goes for love. One could be loved by the world and be empty inside. That answer is kind of B.S. for someone that is seeking input. With that being said I will go over some of my experiences. My very first job was at an auto mechanic shop. I used to love working on cars. I would spend my weekends doing it. I would hang out with my friends and all have a great time. So i figured it would be a good choice to work as a mechanic. So I went and got that job. I worked it for about 5 years. At the end of it I never wanted to work on cars again. To this day I will not even change my own oil because I hate it so much. Am I upset it turned out that way? Not at all. Life is all about the experience nothing more nothing less. That lesson for me was finding out what I did not like in life and was just as important in my journey as knowing what I liked. At the end of my mechanic experience I figured I should just go be a garbage man. I would get the same blue jump suit but instead of the trash coming to me I would go to the trash. Really all we can do is to try. There is no wrong answer. Even if one makes a choice and find out its wrong for you that is OK.

Was choosing tech for you a more practical choice or were you passionate about it? "Neither and both"

The reason I brought up the above being a mechanic. If i did not want the same thing to happen on my outlook of computers as it did for mechanics. It was because of this I did not get into tech. I loved it so much I did not want to risk ever hating it. So that is passion but born of practicality based on what is important to me and only me. This is was dictated by my previous experiences and not wanting to have any regret in life. More on this: I have always been interested in computers and tech. I grew up in a very poor household. We only ever had exactly what we needed and nothing more. My childhood was amazing. Yea at the time I wanted more but after I got older and realized how the world was I landed on the outlook of "I could not have asked for more and it was amazing even though it was viewed bad at the time". One of my best friends growing up his family was very rich. It was through him that I was able to get access to technology. From that my obsession was born. I loved tech so much I avoided it professionally because i did not want the same thing to happen as did with mechanics. Then one day just purely by happenstance a neighbor offered me a job. I decided at that moment you know what try it. Why not, I now knew the signs of when i might start to hate it. so why not. We can never have any form of regret. So at that first job I literally ran around a call center unplugging and plugging back in headsets. Was this something that made a difference in this world. No, was it something that I found great internal satisfaction. No. At this point did it provide me financial security. NO IT SURE DID NOT! It was until many years went by to get a chance to shine. When that moment came I was ready and I crushed it. From that moment it was all different. I gained both functional and passion in my career with huge paychecks. But you know what, none of that matters now. The only thing it provides is a story for others of my personal experience. None of it means anything right now and clearly I cannot seem to pay the bills. That is ok. I would not change my situation, the outcomes, my choices or or any aspect of how i got to this moment right now. As long as I continue to try, learn and adapt I will find my way. However none of that will happen if I never take steps on my own and try with every fiber of my being each day.

how practically was always chosen over passion as it would technically "help" them more than pursuing their passion.

Based on that statement I feel how you are looking at this in the wrong context. That statement is taken from the third person. You need to have it worded something more like this. how practically was always chosen over passion as it would technically "help" me more than pursuing my passion. The context of that change is huge. Lets take a moment and reflect on that. I bring special attention to this because 1. We can never know what is best for any other person. Its hard enough knowing what is best for ourselves. Its ok to use other peoples stories and experiences as guidance in our own actions and decisions. It should never be our place to dictate what is best for another. We can never know that persons experiences, thoughts, emotions or context. We can offer guidance and feel happy we had an opportunity to share. 2. This now forces an action from the third person to a first person. This logic dictates something must happen. Even non action is an action and should be evaluated later and potentially adjusted. Sometimes non action is the best action. Often times its not though. Its all about that re-evaluation. 3. Experience is the most important thing in life. If you are struck in any form of "I wish I could...", "I always wanted to...", "Why cant i just...", "I don't know what ...". The only way to fix that is to do anything different. If you are frozen in a conversation start with one single word "Hello". If you are struck with any form of indecision just make one that is easier and more open ended. Instead of "I will make a final decision by", change it to "I try to evaluate my choices on", then take some time do a proper evaluation. Ok i wanted to try but i was unable to do that. Its ok that happened what can I do differently to "try anything else" and step with confidence in whatever choice you make. Even if its wrong there is never any regret because you made the best decision for you at the moment. Changing the view from "Observer" to "Doer" is what this context change provides. When an honest action is taken you can always do it with confidence no matter what it is. to Your final question. Money is a sign of a job well done. If you enjoy what you do you never work a day in your life.

In final thoughts: Tomorrow will never come and yesterday is just a story that only you care about. People might want specific things for you but none of that matters. Anyone who truly cares will want your happiness above all else. If that person cant understand that then they are probably not the best person to spend your time with. If you are living in the past you are depressed. If you are living in the future you are anxious. Its all about right now nothing more nothing less. Just smile, be confident and just do what is best for you and no one else. No decisions are final, you are free to change your mind at any time. Its ok not to know. We can never know the story of life through any other way then just living it how we choose. If future you is worried (anxious). Then present you should do something to set that person which don't know but implicitly care about up for whatever that success is defined as such by you. If past you is upset (depressed) about something then future you (currently present) can do something about it and make a change. Even if that change is wrong you can tell past you (depressed) that you tried and ask that person for advise and make adjustments accordingly. As long as you try you will always get exactly what you need. Survival is a very strange thing like that. It always is right up until it is not. The moments of survival in most cases outnumber the moments of conclusion. So dont ever worry the statistics are on your side.

Time is the only thing we never get back. I choose to spend my time happy. My personal definition of happiness has changed many times throughout life (story). Money will come for me as a result of that. So far it has worked out for me. To date I have survived (lived) far more moments then i have concluded (died). The same thing can be said about anyone reading this.

Conclusion: Each time i chose based on passion, One time I lost a passion. The other time I did not. Each time I was able to survive. Each time i gained valuable experience and understanding of who I was. I always succeed because I will always try hard and hopefully learn from my mistakes just enough to be good. I want to be happy in life and If at any moment I am not that is my measuring stick to make some kind of change.

Much like the seasons change is forced.

But we will always find the beauty of tomorrow. Even though we might have suffered a broken arm.

[mikuni14]

I am so inspired by this post from @miss0atae. I completely agree with every word 💖 I don't know if we see more in this series than there is actually in it (it wouldn't be the first time when fans have better thoughts and ideas about productions than the creators themselves ^^), also these are only two episodes, but I want to believe that the series wants to deconstruct "one true love", "fated lovers" tropes, the clinging to the past, idealizing it and idealizing loved ones, living in illusion, and the meaning of painful sacrifice.

The worst thing about all this is that San has a lot of time in which he is stuck and does not change, whereas he did not have this time 100 years ago. He didn't have time to experience love with all the good and the bad, because his romance with Wat was short-lived and all the time San and Wat were on cloud nine, they had no opportunity to create A RELATIONSHIP, live together, get to know each other from other sides, also the not so good ones. SAN ALSO HAD NO TIME TO MOURN WAT'S DEATH. His decision to wait for reincarnated Wat was made under the influence of great emotions, overwhelming pain, even in a frenzy. Would San do the same a month after Wat's death? Maybe, maybe not. In this episode alone, the series touched on mourning the loss of a loved one in the words of Vee's grandmother and Vee himself (whose words come as a shock to San, who never even thought of such a thing).

It seems to me that San did not know Wat fully, that he created an idealized image of her (which is not difficult, because Wat was just a good person, she was nice and loved San sincerely), especially since he said about her several times that "he must repay her for being kind to him", which is not a very good foundation for love.

I also got the impression that his problem with Vee wasn't so much that he was a guy, but that he wasn't exactly Wat. San catches himself repeatedly, finding Wat's smile in Vee's smile, her actions in his actions. But what he is most upset about is that Vee is simply different, that he has wet dreams about him, that Vee is direct and openly flirtatious, that he might be a criminal - meaning, that he is everything that the perfect Wat was not. And the fact that Vee being a guy is not such a big problem (though of course it is to some extent) is proven by the fact that in his dream San is not an nervous, tripping over his own legs, but he is just going to town if you know what I mean 😎 If it was only about Wat, about her reincarnation "awakening" and about San being straight, this dream would be ABOUT HER. And it's not 😆

Even though San is a dick, I honestly feel sorry for him. He was an ordinary young man, who met a beautiful and good girl, who helped him and with whom he fell in love, who, under the influence of unprocessed grief, made a decision that required incredible strength, self-denial and endurance, who "preserved" himself by maintaining himself the same, because he dreamed that he would just survive these 100 years when Wat would simply appear and EVERYTHING WILL BE AS IT WAS. That he and Wat… will simply jump into that happy moment just before the tragedy, that they will somehow, of all the people in the world, manage to step into the same river twice. This is clearly visible in the fact that he is a "grumpy grandpa" and not a "hip and modern grandpa", and this is because he chose to stay in the past, because he did not consciously adapt to the present (to remain the same for Wat), or as Okita Makoto from Oppan says: he didn't update himself 😄 (which raises an important question: would this old, not updated version of him would appeal to contemporary Wat?)

I really feel sorry for him, because San denied himself development, refused to participate among the community, in his city (not just his neighbourhood), in the world, and to establish relationships other than those with his immediate family. HE DENIED HIMSELF A NORMAL LIFE. And now this ordinary life is forcing itself into his preserved life and San is completely unprepared for it and panics. Nothing is as he thought it would be, the scenarios he probably created after every night of pain that kept him hopeful and sane are NOT COMING TRUE. Vee destroys his so carefully built and nurtured world, his illusions and ideas about perfect love, perfect Wat and perfect life, which he was so sure was already waiting for him around the corner. I'm really not surprised that he panics, because for the first time a terrible thought appears in his head: that he may have wasted these 100 years of pain, that for others what he did may seem stupid and unnecessary and that there is no reward at the end. And how is he supposed to reevaluate his entire existence overnight?

[pjsk-hot-takes]

To add onto Anons before me I’ve noticed that whenever misogyny is brought up in the PJSK fandom the people talking about it always specifically refer to L/N, MMJ and even N25. Which.

Actually I think we should talk about Emu Nene An and Kohane more. They face SO much misogyny. Constantly. And nobody even mentions them in discussions about misogyny BECAUSE of said misogyny. Literally every single time an Emunene or Anhane song comes out people call it bad or say it should’ve gone to someone else. Every time. Without fail. It gets ignored at best outright hated at worst.

Ok so thought experiment time. Name a popular Emunene or Anhane song that’s as beloved or gets as much attention as Aun no Beats and Fixer.

If you couldn’t name one - that isn’t even because they don’t have bangers people just don’t like women unless they’re standing right next to men. Anhane alone has Imperial Girl and Odo and Pheles and Love is War and the Night Sky Patrol of Tomorrow and Butterfly on your Right Shoulder archives and you’re telling me that none of those are “good enough”????? Idk I think that’s just bias. Ruikasa and Akitoya songs have gotten popular with worse. Anhane and Emunene could drop the most jaw dropping gorgeous songs ever and not a single person would care and I firmly believe and will stand by that statement.

This isn’t even getting into how they’re treated in group covers!!!!!! Everybody ignores or hates on them!!!! If people feel like they got even slightly more lines than Ruikasa or Akitoya, even in their *own focus songs* (cough forward cough) they get so upset. And yet when Anhane and Emunene get the EXACT same treatment in Ruikasa or Akitoya songs nobody says a single thing!!!

And that’s not just speculation I KNOW that’s the case I can literally prove it. An has three total solo lines in the entirety of blender. That’s the exact same amount of solo lines as Toya gets in Ready Steady. They pretty much have the exact same amount of duet lines as well. In both songs. But Ready Steady is infamous and hated for it whereas blender nobody has even pointed this out and it’s universally beloved. It’s not even just a “blender is a focus song” thing because this happened with Forward too. It’s just misogyny.

I’ve seen people complain about Daybreak Frontline. Because and I quote “I hate it when the girls get most of the lines”. I can’t even go into any of the Nene or Emu tags without filtering every single Tsukasa and Rui tag first and even then finding any sort of content is almost impossible I think that’s a problem.

People will call Kohane “just a girl” despite the fact that she has a solid character arc and a personality and development. You can think she’s boring or not for you but????????? Don’t call her “just a girl”????? Esp not when she has social difficulties that are intentionally supposed to be relatable to the audience. A lot of people might actually relate to her character and journey even if they don’t necessarily like her. Idk leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

An has it only SLIGHTLY better because there’s a niche little fanbase for her and she’s somewhat popular (in the western fanbase. I think Kohane is more popular in Japan iirc.) but she still gets treated as an accessory to Akito and Toya just like Kohane. Also people keep trying to be weird and frame her as abusive or toxic which. Considering that possibility isn’t like a bad thing but people are just straight up reaching to try to prove stuff that either isn’t implied at any point or is outright refuted in the text just to villainize her??? Which is weird??? Especially because these people will turn around and defend Rui and Akito. Like. What did she ever do to you….. you’re willing to defend Rui who has canonically put people in mortal danger because teehee autism (I am autistic FYI I still think that’s a really stupid thing to use as justification especially if he’s aware it’s dangerous????) but An. Just existing with her fear of abandonment was too much??????

I could go ON and on and on there are so many examples….. help me……… help me anons…..

It’s not even that liking Akito and Toya or Rui and Tsukasa is inherently bad!!!!! But the favoritism as a whole is…….. something. Especially when it turns into hating the fem characters.

Also Mizuki suffers this too with Rui as another anon mentioned and it’s like. Really guys. Like first off it’s not about him it’s about Mizuki and if you’re gonna involve anyone else it should be the Nightcord girlies. Second off It’s a double whammy because people will bring up Rui but make no mention of An despite the fact that An is the one who’s canonically defended Mizuki from transphobes. Like. Why only Rui.

(I tried to word this as neutrally as possible I hope it didn’t come off as too aggressive ausuxuvhxhgxhgshg…. Anyways….. introspection and growth is good and cool actually…. Also I’m using Anhane and Emunene and Akitoya and Ruikasa for ease of use not as like a ship thing just to clarify it’s just tiring typing out each name individually)

.

[respectthepetty]

For me - I really hope Yuan is super super petty in the upcoming episodes because……from his point of view, surely it feels like Quan cut him out of his life SO EASILY. I would be all “ I suffered for 4 years while I was away and what did you do?!”

I know Yuan will be grown up and all understanding and what ever - but I think everything Quan is GOING to say about his friend and his sister will be affirmation enough about their “brother bond”

I also neeeeeed San Ping to eat his own words because……boy, how is what you have with Lilli different? Every excuse you’re about to give - no wonder Yuan is in the back with his popcorn!

It’s been so long since I’ve watched a show that I have WANTED the ness, the angst and the pain!!!

I am sorry to disappoint you but I have NOT been paying attention to colours, so you have really been helping me through this one!

Anon, I can't believe I, the pettiest person, am about to write this:

I want Yuan to be better than me.

I want him to be petty for five seconds, then I need him to be nice to Qian.

Normally, I'd be advocating for the main character to make his love interest suffer, but unlike all these other BL boys who make dumb decisions and force a separation from their loved one that doesn't make sense, Qian makes sense.

Qian was abused as a child by his mother. Physically (and sexually).

Qian put his life on the line for his siblings because he fully considers them to be his siblings.

Qian was at a work event when Yuan confessed.

Qian sees himself as a parental figure, so if Yuan has feelings for him, what did Qian do to evoke those feelings form Yuan? He was worried about Lili wearing a red shirt and going out, so what is Qian's internal conflict now that Yuan forced a kiss on him? Is he somehow his mother? Someone who was supposed to care for him yet abused him.

Even if Qian could see Yuan as something other than a brother, Yuan has endless possibilities at his feet. Qian specifically stated he didn't want Yuan running home to take care of him because Qian knows Yuan has a future . . . if he isn't always taking care of Qian.

And even if Qian could see a future with them, Yuan was drunk, at his job, during an important event. This is the thinnest argument because we know Yuan was sick and upset, but Qian is stoic and compartmentalizes, so Yuan's emotional outburst, like that, about that, THERE?! I don't carry Qian's baggage, yet I would have been so much worse to Yuan.

So how does a man with that level of trauma deal with any of this? He cares. That's obvious. But how much can he care and in what ways? Someone else already wrote about Qian having NO romantic partners or even shown to have romantic interest. Does a movie star count? No. It's safe. It's distant. He doesn't have to do anything.

He hugs the toilet more than he hugs Lili.

He made it clear to San Pang that Yuan was hugging him in bed not the other way around.

And yet Qian's immediate reaction to knowing Yuan was in front of him was to touch him.

And yet after getting the shit beat out of him, Qian comforted Yuan.

I live for petty ass shit. It's my breakfast, lunch, and dinner, plus midnight snack. But it would hurt my heart if Yuan carried on his petty shenanigans to the point that Qian doubted Yuan's love or the feelings he has begun to develop in Yuan's absence.

Qian needed time, and he got it. Now, Qian needs to know that whatever he is beginning to feel isn't wrong.

Yuan can be petty to San Pang all day every day because San Pang can handle it. He has two loving parents who have rental properties. He has a girlfriend who is a hardworking model. He has a swing in his office.

But Qian?

He only had his brother and his sister.

And, somehow, with that confession, they are both gone.

[holdmymallowsweet]

What are you doing here? 03

Ominis Gaunt x f!MC Word count: 5278, properly tagged on AO3

Chapter summary: Bridges are easier burnt than repaired, and Ominis knows this better than most. Thoughts of the new fifth year still refuse to leave his mind, and it’s time to decide whether he wants to do something about them.

a/n: Part 2 of the pre- library chapters, they really turned out much longer than planned, but I hope they’re still enjoyable.

Chapter 02 || Masterlist || Chapter 04

Chapter 03 - Wheels within wheels

Ominis stood in the Undercroft once again, breathing a sigh of relief. He’d been coming here every chance he got since their argument a few days ago, half expecting to find a certain someone already there, but she never was.

Neither was Sebastian.

There had been a somewhat frosty tension between the two of them in the last few days, and even less conversation than what had become usual for them since the start of term. 

Sebastian had evidently decided that it would be best to give Ominis some time to get over the betrayal. Whenever they didn’t have classes together, Sebastian would be either in the library or he would just disappear. Ominis suspected he was sneaking out of the castle, probably with her, but he couldn’t be sure.

Sebastian wouldn’t mention her anymore, a development that he should have been grateful for, but for some reason was not.

Ominis wandered over to one of the old, battered tables and leaned against it, pocketing his wand. Slowly breathing in the cool, dusty air, finding comfort in the silence, away from the noise of the always busy castle.

Perhaps she was too scared to come back.

He knew he’d been out of line, shouting at her, threatening her, taking all of his pent up anger and frustration out on her, but she was a stranger and he didn’t want her here. That’s where he arrived every time he mulled over their confrontation in his mind, which happened much more often than he felt comfortable admitting, even to himself.

The familiar metallic clanking of the gate made him tense up. He hastily reached for his wand.

Merlin help her if she-

He recognised the footsteps. It was Sebastian. When he noticed Ominis he hesitated for a second, probably debating whether he should leave or stay. “Hello, Ominis. Are you alone?” 

Ominis scoffed. “I’m not the one who started bringing girls here, Sebastian.”

“You know it’s not like that.”

Sebastian crossed the room and hopped up to sit on the table, next to where Ominis leaned back again. It creaked under his weight, and Ominis winced at the noise. “Do I?”

“I told you,” Sebastian drawled with a hint of amused irritation, “she’s my friend.”

Ominis knew bringing it up again would likely result in another argument, but he was still bitter, and not eager to let Sebastian think he’d gotten away with anything. “Where’d you leave your ‘friend’ then? Outside, until you made sure I wasn’t here?” It was needlessly ungenerous.

“Why can’t you try to get along with her?”

“You know why. And am I to believe the resentment isn’t mutual? I imagine she complains about me at every opportunity.” It had been a frequent thought since their argument, and each time he wondered if Sebastian bothered defending him at all. Ominis wasn’t sure what compelled him to bring it up now- it did make him a tad nervous. Would having it confirmed make it better? Or worse?

Sebastian leaned closer. “See, that’s where you’re wrong,” he said smugly, “she hasn’t mentioned you at all. Other than when she apologised.”

Apologised?

The words took a moment to sink in.

When? And for what, precisely?

Ominis shifted his weight uneasily. “What are you talking about?”

“She told me after… you know, our fight the other day. That she was sorry about how things turned out, that she didn’t mean to upset you. She was really worried about you and me falling out over it,” Sebastian explained. “She kept asking about how to make things right, I told her not to worry about it.”

Ominis felt something creeping up inside his chest. Something that felt an awful lot like guilt. “I… I didn’t know. You didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t think you’d want to hear it. Did you really threaten to get her expelled?”

Ominis turned his head, to make sure his friend didn’t miss the annoyed look on his face. “Of course not- I threatened to get her in trouble with Black, but nothing as serious as that.”

“Well, she seems to think that means ‘expelled’,” Sebastian explained, still with an air of smug amusement that was starting to pull his nerves.

“Would you please let her know it doesn’t?” Ominis snapped. Merlin, no wonder she hadn’t shown up in the Undercroft again if she thought her days at Hogwarts were numbered if she did. 

…but shouldn’t he be glad for it? Wasn’t this what he’d wanted?

“Calm down, I told her not to worry. I know you better than that, although I still don’t know what exactly she’s done to get on your bad side- you didn’t seem to like her even before,” Sebastian said.  

Ominis had the strange sensation of being sized up, so he did his best to keep his features impassive.

“What sort of ‘trouble’ did you have in mind, then?”

“Nothing. It was an empty threat. I meant to leave it to her imagination, I wouldn’t have if I’d known that’s how she’d take it.” Ominis frowned. Truthfully, he’d always known that she really hadn’t done anything wrong. He knew Sebastian well enough to guess that it would have been his idea to show her the Undercroft and not tell her anything about it until they were standing in it, and what was she supposed to do then? Run away and obliviate herself?

She probably didn’t even know that spell existed.

Ominis really wished she hadn’t lied about it afterwards, but he should have guessed it was Sebastian who’d put her up to that too. She was merely trying to be a good friend, to not betray his trust, and he couldn’t very well blame her for choosing to stay loyal to Sebastian.

She was a Hufflepuff, after all.

Both of them stayed silent for a while. Ominis was fidgeting with his wand, endlessly turning it over between his fingers, trying to sort out his thoughts.

“She was curious about you, you know.” Sebastian’s voice gently broke the silence.

Ominis cocked his head to the side. “Curious?”

“It was written all over her face when we talked about you.”

…it was?

He tried to remember what Sebastian had told her about him, ignoring the little jolt in his chest. It had vexed him to think that she’d paid him no mind at all, but her being curious was not necessarily a good thing. There were a million things about him to be curious about, few of which he liked to discuss and none of which were her business.

“That’s another reason why I brought her here. To tell her about you. I thought that would make it easier.”

“Make what easier?”

Sebastian groaned. “Merlin’s beard, Ominis. I don’t know why, but you’ve had something against her from the very start- I thought if I could get her to like you first, it would be easier for the two of you to get along.”

Fingers flying up to the bridge of his nose again, Ominis didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, as it finally made sense. “So that was your grand plan? Impress her by showing off your secret hideout, and then tell her it was really mine, so she’d… what, want to be my friend?”

“Well…” Sebastian cleared his throat, suddenly sheepish. “More or less.”

Ominis did let out a dry laugh at that. It was a thought he’d always been too scared to dwell on, let alone voice, but he always suspected that he was the reason Sebastian didn’t have any other close friends.

Sebastian paused, and Ominis knew, instinctively, that he was looking at him, waiting for another reaction. When he didn’t get one, he kept talking. “I really was hoping we could all be friends, you know. Eventually. The three of us.”

Ominis’ heart ached.

He hadn’t ever expected to make another friend, nor had he ever spared a thought for whether he needed or wanted one. There was a ‘three of them’, as far as he was concerned, and it didn’t involve her.

No reason to believe she felt any different. She could make friends just by walking into a room, and it was hard to imagine why she’d choose his company over any of theirs. “I’m not sure about that,” he said softly. “What about Anne?”

“Anne would love her.” Sebastian sighed, doing something else that caused the table to groan under his weight again. “You could give it a try, at least? She’s rather forgiving, you know. If you just apologised-”

“If I apologised? She was the one who lied to me,” Ominis replied haughtily.

Sebastian paused. He leaned forward, until their shoulders were touching. “About what?”

Ominis hesitated. “You. The Undercroft. She tried to pretend that she happened to find it by accident.”

“Did she really?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian let out a small chuckle. ”I knew she couldn’t keep it a secret when you burst in to shout at me, but it’s good to know she tried, at least,” he said affectionately.

“She didn’t tell you?”

“No, she just apologised.”

Ominis rolled his eyes in a dramatic display of disapproval. Sebastian showing his obvious fondness for the girl still hurt, although perhaps not as much as it did a week ago.

“See, I told you she could be trusted.”

“I’m still not convinced.”

“You will be.” Sebastian said confidently. “Trust me.”

“We’ll see.” Nothing had been resolved, not really, but the talk had done their friendship some good, at least. Ominis straightened up. His backside was starting to hurt from where he’d leaned against the table’s edge, and for the first time in days, he was actually hungry. “Did you have dinner yet?” 

An olive branch, disguised as a casual question, thrown over his shoulder as he made to leave.

Sebastian didn’t answer, but when he jumped off the table to follow Ominis, it was with a spring in his step.

As much as Ominis hated to admit it, it seemed as if Sebastian was right.

Another week went by, and still there was no sign that she ever told anyone else of the Undercroft’s existence. By now, Ominis was fairly certain she never even went back there herself. He’d continued to linger near the entrance, anxiously waiting for someone to enter or to hear someone mention the strange room hidden behind the piece of furniture under the stairs next to Hecat’s classroom.

No one ever did. So he tried to move on, put her out of his mind. It was impossible. Ever since his talk with Sebastian, Ominis hesitated to go to the Undercroft by himself, not knowing what to do if she were to come in- how to face her again, after the last time. Sebastian’s words kept echoing in his mind-

“...she apologised… she was sorry… she was worried… 

…she was curious about you, you know.”

Ominis didn’t know what to make of it. Sebastian had a tendency towards bending and exaggerating the truth when it suited his needs, but even if he’d been entirely truthful for once- her apologies were given to Sebastian, not him. And for Merlin’s sake, he still had his pride. He wouldn’t be the one to grovel before her begging for forgiveness, when she seemed perfectly content to go on as if nothing had happened.

So instead, he tried to make peace with the situation as it was. His friendship with Sebastian still didn’t feel the way it was supposed to, but it had been tentatively repaired. Ominis would just have to accept that from now on, it was something he’d have to share. 

But having the resolve to move on and let go was one thing. Putting it into practice was much more difficult. When he didn’t know where to go or what to do with himself, now that he didn’t have a single thing left that was truly his, that remained of the few years in his life when he’d been truly happy. 

When he still couldn’t go a single day without constantly being reminded of her.

They shared most of their classes- not just Potions and Herbology, as she’d seemed to think.

Had she noticed since? And their Professors were still as eager to give her the chance to prove herself, so there was sparsely a lesson where he didn’t have to put up with hearing her voice.

…at least it was pleasant to listen to.

Even now, as he was sitting in the alcove by the water in the Transfiguration Courtyard, he remembered it was her who repaired the broken statue there. He shifted in his uncomfortable position, already regretting his decision not to go to the library instead. It was one of the last warm autumn days, so he thought he’d make the most of it by taking his assigned reading outside. But the stone floor in the shade was chillier than expected, and he could hardly concentrate on what he was reading- making it halfway through the page, his mind started churning again, and he’d lost track of where he was. 

And he felt an increasing need to use the bathroom.

For the third time in the last hour, he had the urge to just call it a day. But their homework load had become gruelling, now that they were in their O.W.L. year, and though he usually managed to scrape by with passable grades in his worst subjects, this year he was cutting it close. Herbology was bad, Potions was worse and Sharp would have his head if he couldn’t at least deliver passable results in his written homework. 

He shifted his weight again. Then he gave up, cursing under his breath as he threw his book back into his bag and stood up on aching legs to follow nature’s call.

Ominis warily went for the bathroom in Griffindor tower, despite its reputation, hoping it might be deserted at least.

Thankfully, it was.

Usually he couldn’t even visit the bathroom without running into boy talk of how she was ‘easy on the eyes’, whatever in Merlin's name that meant.

He wondered if Sebastian agreed- he had started to notice girls sometime in their fourth year, sneakily avoiding the subject when Anne was with them, but at night in their dormitory the two of them had their own fair share of boy talk. It had always been rather one sided- Ominis was hardly going to notice or care about which girl was starting to fill out which part of her uniform, but they’d always felt like normal and harmless enough conversations. 

Now he found himself wishing he could go back to when he’d be lying in his bed, without a care in the world, giggling in his sheets as Sebastian told him about how much of a blessing it was that Lenora Everleigh had started wearing trousers. He’d jokingly threaten to tell Anne and Sebastian would act scandalised and betrayed, until they both fell asleep. 

Sebastian never mentioned how the new fifth-year looked in her trousers, and Ominis wasn’t going to let her worm her way even more into their friendship by asking. All Ominis knew about her appearance was that she was often seen returning to the castle with dirty robes and random bits of greenery stuck in her messy hair.

Wiping his still wet hands on his robes as he emerged from the bathroom, he contemplated where to go to finish his reading. The library perhaps- or he’d make an exception for once and go to the Undercroft again. Perhaps he-

It took him a second to realise that she’d walked straight past him.

He’d started to recognise the pattern of her footsteps.

Since when?

They were rapidly fading in the distance. He made a split second decision.

Ominis didn’t know why he followed her. Her steps seemed eager, upbeat, purposeful. She was up to something- perhaps he wanted to figure out what it was, by himself for once, instead of hearing about it afterwards from the whispering corridors.

She was headed for the Defence Against the Dark Arts Tower. Then straight towards the Undercroft’s entrance. Ominis’ heart beat faster, he was at once triumphant and disappointed. So he’d been right about her all along. He’d been right and Sebastian had been wrong. She wasn’t even-

“Hello Zenobia, I found all your Gobstones.”

…What?

Oh. 

“Really? I didn’t think it was possible! How ever did you do it?”

“Common sense and basic magic,” she answered dryly.

Ominis huffed a quick laugh. Slinking back against the wall, sinking to the floor, hopefully out of sight, burying his face in both hands.

What was he doing? Why had he followed her?

He’d rarely ever felt so foolish.

Ominis listened to the rest of their conversation with a wistful feeling washing over him every time he heard her voice. She sounded so proud of herself. So animated. So genuinely kind, even with the occasional cheeky comment.

The way their conversation went, he gathered she wasn’t about to be a big fan of Gobstones, or at least the potential stink that came with it. Then he wondered what games she might like playing instead, what she did for fun, if she ever had any free time.

Duelling.

Obviously, but surely there must be something else too.

Getting in trouble. Gallivanting across the Scottish highlands.

Quidditch maybe.

She seemed like the type, but if she wasn’t familiar with Gobstones, it was unlikely that she’d know much about Quidditch, and thanks to Black, she’d have to wait until next year to try it out.

That had been another thing that made Ominis uncomfortable around her, her obvious muggle upbringing. It occasionally made him feel sick, reprehensible for treating her the way he did. A way that random passer-bys in the halls were expecting of him, a way his vile, cruel family would approve of. The Gaunts would be more than proud of him for not wanting to associate with ‘such filth’. The thought made him hate himself, until he managed to shove it deeper into the recesses of his mind.

A part of him was defiantly arguing that he had every right to dislike someone, regardless of their blood status.

Yet another part, an initially small one that seemed to grow with every passing day, wasn’t even sure if he did dislike her anymore.

Eventually she left, taking off again to do something else, but Ominis remained in the same spot for a long time after. Feeling the rays of the evening sun slowly shift through the window, the warmth spreading over his face and disappearing again.

One of the castle’s cats came by at some point, rubbing affectionately against his legs and allowing him to pet its fluffy fur until it suddenly took off, perhaps chasing dust mice, or actual mice. Ominis couldn’t hear any, but then his hearing wasn’t quite as good as a cat’s. And then he realised, with a bout of annoyance, that even the cats were beginning to remind him of her.

He eventually made it back to the Slytherin common room in time for curfew, lest he landed himself in detention alongside Sebastian for snapping at a prefect.

“Ominis, over here,” Sebastian called him. Moving slowly towards his friend near the fireplace, careful not to trip over stacks of books strewn about, he was almost run over by Grace, half sobbing, half laughing as she found Nerida at the opposite side of the room. 

He found himself a place on the sofa next to Sebastian.

“Where have you been?”

“Just needed some fresh air.” Ominis muttered in response. He could do without the teasing he’d undoubtedly get if Sebastian knew what he’d really been doing. “What’s going on over there?” he inquired, eager to change the subject.

“Where?”

Ominis gestured towards Pinch-Smedley.

“Oh, that? She’s over the moon because she finally found someone to get her that astronomy thing from the lake. Just wrote to her parents about it.”

“Someone?” Ominis asked, but he had a feeling he already knew.

“Take a guess.” Sebastian said with an undertone, seemingly reading his mind.

“How could she possibly have time for all this?”

“You’re asking me?”

 “I’d have thought if anyone knew, it would be her best friend,” Ominis said, slightly resentful, and very much hoping Sebastian would deny it.

“So? I’m her friend, not her mother, and no one could possibly keep up with everything she’s up to. Besides-” Sebastian paused, pointedly and very audibly flapping the pages of his book, “I have matters of my own to attend to.”

The silence, shortly followed by the sound of another page turn, told Ominis his friend was not eager to continue the conversation. But he wasn’t obligated to comply. “So is this what she does for fun? Solving everyone else’s problems?”

The question earned him a loud, annoyed exhale. “You know, if you’re that curious, you could ask her yourself. I know you don’t like her much, but she doesn’t bite.”

“I’m not that curious,” Ominis mumbled defensively, absentmindedly fidgeting with one of the cushions. He listened quietly to Sebastian flicking through the pages of his book and Grace’s soft sniffles and laughs among the general chatter.

“How did she do it?” he said softly, to no one in particular, inadvertently mirroring Zenobia’s question from before.

“Hm?” Sebastian answered vaguely.

Ominis tried to imagine what it must be like, diving into the depths of the lake. The water would be freezing cold, even at this time of the year. According to the other Slytherins, it was murky too, the sunlight barely making it below the surface. He’d have to take their word for it, of course, but he’d always imagined it quite eerie. It might look fascinating, perhaps even oddly romantic through their common room window, but he couldn’t fathom what it would be like to actually dive into it.

And for what, for Grace Pinch-Smedley? They weren’t friends. Ominis was sure he never heard them talk to each other before. Smalltalk about schoolwork, perhaps. But certainly nothing that would indicate feelings deep enough to be worth drowning oneself for.

Drowning?

“She could have died.”

Sebastian stopped mid page-flick, letting Ominis know he had his full attention again. “I didn’t think you’d care,” Sebastian teased.

Ominis’ eyes narrowed dangerously. “Did you? So just because I’m not fawning over her like everyone else, I don’t care if she lives or dies?”

“Ominis, I didn’t- what’s gotten into you lately? I don’t even mention her anymore, because it only upset you when I did, and now you’re suddenly interested?”

“Forget it, I’m going to bed,” Ominis snapped, irritated beyond belief because he couldn’t even deny it. 

“Fine,” Sebastian drawled, more than willing to lay the conversation to rest.

Ominis got up, tired and with an all too familiar throbbing pain in his skull, hoping once again that this might finally be the end of it, but knowing better all the same.

She quickly earned a reputation for being the one to turn to if one needed something done, whatever it was.

Retrieving bewitched books under the librarian’s suspicious eyes, solving mysteries behind never before been there portraits, slamming winged keys into cabinets. Quite forcefully too, the first time she’d done it near him, he’d almost dropped his wand.

She’d run up and down the Defence Against the Dark Arts tower several times a day, Merlin knew why, but it happened so frequently that Ominis was now starting to recognise her footsteps even from a distance. And he’d feel anxious on days when he didn’t.

What surprised him most was that she seemed perfectly content being on her own. Once, he would have expected her to end up as the centre of a drove of friends and admirers, like a lantern swarmed by moths, but she was on her own more often than not.

Then he discovered that disapproving of her antics was not his unique privilege.

“Sallow’s in detention because of you. Not a very good friend, are you.”

Ominis’ mouth was open, he caught himself before he realised that he’d been about to defend her. Pointlessly so, as it didn’t seem to bother her. She’d ignored the boy’s teasing as resolutely as she’d ignored Ominis when he made his own snide remarks to her, more than a month ago now.

Again, he tried to tell himself to let it go, not to concern himself with her- until he overheard her agree to save Duncan Hobhouse’s deservedly sordid reputation and had to exercise an absurd amount of self-control not to walk over and drag her away.

He would have liked to pretend that he didn’t know why he suddenly cared, why he felt uneasy every time she walked past him, or why he perked up whenever someone mentioned her name. At some point, in the weeks that had gone by since their confrontation, his view of her had started to shift.

Slowly but surely, the lingering resentment he’d felt towards her had lessened until it was gone completely, replaced instead by a sort of wistful emptiness. Perhaps Ominis did regret shouting at her more than he cared to admit, perhaps Sebastian’s suggestion of them being friends didn’t seem so unappealing after all now, but Ominis had a feeling that he’d rather thoroughly burnt that particular bridge.

She still ignored him, as she had ever since their unfortunate encounter outside of the Undercroft, never spoke to him when she passed by, only giving away her presence with the sound of her footsteps and her scent.

Passing by the stained glass windows, the afternoon sun flooding through, warming his face and small specks of dust tickling his nose, he didn’t know where he was going, only that he’d like to find a way to take his mind off the crushing loneliness that once again kept him company.

Everyone in fifth year had seemed to settle into a new routine, getting used to their classes being more challenging, their professors being more demanding, the OWLs already looming over everyone’s head even though it was still early in the year.

Most of his classmates busied themselves with schoolwork in an effort not to fall behind, a few of the more daring ones taking their quills and parchment with them to the three broomsticks, knowing fully well that they weren’t likely to get any work done. Sebastian was dutifully serving yet another detention with Madam Scribner, and his Hufflepuff friend had disappeared after running through the Defence tower yet again.

Ominis should have made an effort in getting his assignments done himself. They had an essay for Herbology due the next day, which he hadn’t even started to write.

He wondered if she was getting any work done.

Involuntarily, Ominis imagined sitting next to her in the library, her scent getting slightly stronger as she leaned over to him, hushed questions about schoolwork being occasionally disrupted by quick, teasing jokes or a sarcastic remark, followed by comfortable stretches of silence being only disturbed by the sound of her scratching quill and the turning of a book’s pages.

His heart ached just a bit. She probably studied with Sebastian like this, every once in a while, at least. She’d probably drop everything else and come running if Sebastian asked her to the library.

Would she do it for Ominis?

Doubtful. And he wondered why he even cared, but he did.

He leaned against the window, resting his temple against the cool window pane. He listened to the sound of his own breath, felt it as it was fogging up the glass, the sun still streaming across his face. It had gotten colder over the past week. It was almost time for Mr. Moon to take out the pumpkins. Ominis traced the outlines of the window’s intricate framework, his mind a mess yet again.

So was his heart.

Ominis wasn’t quite sure what he wanted himself, only that he couldn’t go on like this. He needed… something. Comfort. Someone to keep him company.

Sebastian?

Perhaps.

Her?

He exhaled deeply, fogging up the glass again.

Would she come to him, if he asked her? Would he want her to?

What was he hoping to gain from it, if she did? A friend? A distraction? 

If he did… he wasn’t even sure he did. But if he wanted to, how would he go about it? 

With Sebastian and Anne, it just sort of happened. Joking and teasing and laughing, at the table in the great hall, in their common room, and he’d been caught in the middle of it until it felt natural. 

Perhaps it could be like that, eventually. It could be a chance to grow closer with Sebastian again, if he could understand what his friend saw in her.

Perhaps he could.

If she’d be willing to give him just a bit of her time.

He dropped his bag, rummaging around in it until he found a spare scrap of parchment, his inkwell, half tipping it over in the process but he didn’t care. Writing with his own hand, not his enchanted quill, and not bothering to look over it afterwards- he knew if he did, he’d burn it on the spot.

It wasn’t perfect, there was every chance he’d live to regret it, but he had to do something.

This was a start.

Standing in it, Ominis remembered why he’d never cared much for the Hogwarts owlery. The unpleasant smell was overwhelming, and it was near impossible for him to avoid stepping into owl droppings. He winced as he felt the crunching of tiny bones under his foot, as he stepped on the skeletal remains of… something.

The next time he wanted to send a letter, he’d go to the Hogsmeade post office again, convenience be damned.

Still, the hard part was done. Fastening letters to owls had always been a bit nerve wracking for him, given the way he’d have to glide his fingers through the feathers to find its legs. He couldn’t help being more touchy than other wizards, and he was never quite sure if or when it would bother the bird, the only give away being a sharp beak nipping at his arm that he literally couldn’t see coming.

He only hoped he’d never be careless enough to try and send a letter with his sleeves rolled up.

There wasn’t much else he could do about it, handling creatures required one to be able to pick up nonverbal cues, body language- something he’d never be able to do. Unlike humans, animals couldn’t simply tell him what they wanted.

Most of them, anyways.

He carefully made his way down the winding steps, concentrating entirely too hard on how annoying he found the whole process of sending letters by owl, because otherwise he’d think too much about how he’d just made an absolute fool of himself. He’d wanted to take the letter back the second the bird had taken flight, fighting a wave of panic and shame that made him consider hexing it out of the air- he’d never have done it, it wasn’t the owl’s fault, after all, but still.

Finally stepping outside, he took a deep breath, his first in several minutes that thankfully did not smell of owl droppings. It did little to calm his nerves, but what was done was done. Either she’d show up or she wouldn’t, and if she did not, that would be the end of it, once and for all, he’d make sure of it.

But it was still there, and he tried to hold onto it as he hurried down the stairs leading back to the castle.

Hope.

more a/n: Unfortunately, the Scriptorium is where hope goes to die, so there’s more angst ahead, but after that I promise this fic will finally have some fluffy, flirty bits again.  “Did you really threaten to get her expelled?”- based on a true story, I genuinely thought he did, until I replayed that part for the fic and realised that he… didn’t. Whoops.  Regarding the whole Undercroft situation, I truly believe Sebastian meant no harm, even if he probably went about it the wrong way. Sebastian really does talk up Ominis the second he and Mc walk into the Undercroft, he genuinely loves him and he’s trying so hard to get Mc to understand. So I feel like Sebastian's heart was in the right place, even if his brain wasn’t.   And Ominis being shockingly well informed about Mc’s whereabouts and little side quests is definitely canon, he has so many lines throughout the whole game that show this (“Don’t get too cocky because you beat Sebastian” “There is such a thing as trying to hard” “Well done at Summoner’s court/Broom trials/Crossed wands” “Glad you fixed the bells” “Ferdinand is so annoying” etc.) and while they’re super judgy and snarky in the beginning, by the end he’s just complimenting Mc. Which is super cute and also the observation that sparked this entire fic. Big thanks to everyone still reading this, and please let me know your thoughts, I’d really appreciate it ❤️And as usual, feel free to point out grammar or spelling mistakes (nicely), I promise I won't bite.

[waitmyturtles]

As I did last week, I have more constructive criticism for Jack & Joker, so, trigger warning again, please fly away if you can't deal with objective criticism of your faves.

What frustrates me about the construction of this show is that it's tripping on its own feet. And I shouldn't use the indefinite article; I should call out director Tee Bundit directly, because we saw him do this in spades in Step By Step. Tee did everything he could to avoid building a real narrative romance between the SBS leads, and the emotional beats that succeeded their late-series intimate breakthrough were not syncopated properly to match the development of a convincing relationship.

The incomplete beats at hand here are not as bad as they were in SBS. What's keeping me going on in Jack & Joker is that, at least, we are getting separate emotional development trajectories for Jack and Joke -- and a nice, hearty head-smack from Ah Mah at the end of the episode, towards Jack and his inclination to shut down and keep his shit internal. Ah Mah is trying to get Jack to know how to act as family, and she did the same with Joke's father earlier in the episode.

Like I said last week, I think this show has some really wonderful family-related thematic gems like the ones I just mentioned for this week's episode. Yin and War are acting these themes out with heart. Jack's in a really tough spot. The robber clowns will get together again next week to try to get him out of his tough spot.

And I know many of us are upset with Joke's dad, as I am, too, he's a real piece of shit, but his scenes with Joke struck me as very real to the experience of an insanely strict Asian dad. I've written about this too many times to count, but the ability of an Asian parent to cut their kids off like that is a concept that majority Western culture hasn't contemplated, except in instances of religion, sexism, bigotry, etc., but anyway -- that kind of cut-off doesn't exist as part of the everyday Western mentality about parenting, whereas in Asian parenting styles, to reject the patriarchal hierarchy could mean permanent separation, as Joke's dad has enacted to Joke. The fact that the motherfucker reconsidered AFTER EATING JOKE'S FOOD struck me as deeply sexist ("the way to a man's" blah blah, UGH), so I'm glad Ah Mah told that bitch off, but I did think those scenes were done well and realistically.

Anyway, where this series is absolutely lagging is in the EDITING. All these rich people games. I think there are many more concise narrative ways that we can be told that the rich play with the lives of the poor, than to give us bloated scene after bloated scene of literal gaming. Forget metaphors! Just give us some well-written, snappy dialogue about how these rich people are total assholes! We'll believe it!

And at the same time, I'm feeling bad for Rose, honestly. She likes Jack! She has no idea her crush on him is caught up in this Boss bullshit. She's gonna be hurt! And they're gonna rob her house now? I mean, I think what Tee is saying (I think?!?!?!) is that what comes to her, she deserves, because she's as scummy as the rest of the other scummy rich people (Ajahn Pichai, was that you?!). But like, this is her dad's shit?! So she gets automatically blamed because she's a nepo baby? I mean, I guess, if you're a reader of New York Magazine, that's reasonable thinking, but like, some of us are moral thinkers here!

This shit is complicated, and for an episode that was ONE HOUR. AND. 21. MINUTES. LONG., we could have a shorter AND clearer episode that could have scrubbed at the grout of these otherwise very interesting moral quandaries. But instead, we got video games from some dusty-ass rich boy who needs a goddamn bath.

I know, I know we haven't gotten the intimacy payoffs for any of the implied couples yet, and maybe this is part of YinWar's intention in having so much control over their script. But I did wonder if I was watching a Series Y/BL, or if I was watching a dramedy instead. I don't really care what genre it's in. But what I would like is for the themes to be crystal-clearly focused so that us, the viewers, can lean into what the cast and showmakers WANT us to care about -- which, thematically, I'm unclear on at this moment.

[yourresume]

Just read the second Wild Robot book (VERY big spoilers for The Wild Robot Escapes)

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Alright I finished The Wild Robot Escapes and… what? What was that?! The ending floored me, and not in the good way. And everyone else seems to love it. Am I crazy? I’m organizing my thoughts here because I’m honestly quite upset. Spoilers ahead, naturally.

So the story reaches climax when Roz is cornered by a group of RECOs, who are hunting her after she escaped the farm she belonged to. Robots are slaves in this world, this is the status quo. She is shot, and wakes up in front of the woman who is revealed to be in charge of creating the robots, Dr. Molovo.

They have a chat about purpose, the nature of consciousness, love, personhood, etc. Roz asks if there are any robots like her, to which Molovo replied they’d all be killed by now, and Roz seemed satisfied with this answer.

Molovo is convinced and agrees to free Roz from her shackles, but not before melting down her body to prove to the humans (and to any robots watching) that the rogue robot has been killed. She then bestows upon her a brand new body, free of her serial number and model name, granting her proof of her autonomy.

Roz and Brightbill stay with Molovo for a while, and Roz decides to view Molovo as her mother, developing a familial relationship with her. When Molovo flies Roz back to her island, they have a teary goodbye, and confirm they love each other.

Now, for my thoughts. I don’t think you’re supposed to think too hard about this ending, and I don’t think the author did, but I had this sinking feeling as I finished up this novel. At first I thought it was meant to be bittersweet, like the first, but it kept bothering me. So I dug a little deeper and realized the implications that were bothering me so much.

Roz ends this story loving Molovo, in her eyes the best human she’s met on her journey. Molovo, who is the human responsible for creating her kind to be enslaved in the first place.

I’d be fine with this if either: a. Roz was just going along with Molovo so that she could escape and survive, and never really agreed with her views, or b. Molovo changed her ways upon meeting Roz and stopped with the robot enslavement. But no, Roz becomes family with her oppressor. She agrees with her viewpoint. She believes other robots are deserving of being enslaved, because she’s “special.”

Now, I don’t need Roz to change the world. She’s just one member of a marginalized group, who’s struggling to survive as it is. But to side with the human most responsible for perpetuating robot oppression in the end? It’s too much for me to bear. Not my Roz.

Not to mention that Molovo faked Roz’s death and published the video out to everyone. Her explanation is that she wants to do this to assuage the humans’ fears of a, ahem, Wild Robot on the loose. And she does do this. By sending the message to everyone, human and robot, that dissident robots will be executed. She has made Roz an accessory to the oppression of her own kind.

The argument for Roz deserving freedoms that other robots do not is that she is “special.” I.e. there is no other robot in existence that has gained or could gain the same level of sentience that she has. Not only do I disagree with this idea, I think if it was actually true, we’d have a worse story.

Roz’s entire arc in the first book was learning to be wild, to survive and thrive in the wilderness. She did this because her programming prompted her to prioritize her survival and being good to others. The idea that she was somehow more fated to develop a sense of self than the other robots not only feels disrespectful to the others, but also takes away her agency. By claiming she was born differently, in a way that made her somehow better than the other robots, you cheapen all the hard work she put into becoming a better person despite being built to serve. She is special, not because of what she was originally, but because of what she became. Or at least, I thought she was. Now I’m not so sure.

I also don’t think the text really supports this interpretation either. Roz was able to hide her identity in order to fit in as a “normal” robot, you’re telling me that nobody else out there did the same for their survival? No other robot is feigning soullessness so as to not be killed? They’re programmed to do anything they can to stay alive, just like we humans are.

I think it’s incredibly unlikely that the only robot who had the ability to self realize was the one who needed it most to survive. I think there’s more support for the idea that most robots have the capability to learn and grow, just as Roz did. Hell, mass produced computers in real life all have the same starting point, after all. It’s just that most of them were not put in the same situation where they had to change themselves in order to fit in like she had. Most, but not all, as I’m sure with this capability, some of them are just going about their work and pretending to be “normal,” just as Roz did while on the farm.

Interestingly, while the original books leave the question up in the air about Roz being truly special, the 2024 movie actually answers this question outright. The movie added Vontra. Yes, she is awful and a foil to Roz in almost every way, but you can’t argue that she lacks sentience. A “normal” robot would not need to physically dominate someone else in order to feel power over them, and they wouldn’t become so upset when their target tried to escape. Vontra treated Roz horribly, but in doing so, proved that she too had whatever mental difference that made Roz so special.

I didn’t like Vontra’s addition in the movie at first, I thought she was unnecessary and, well, she reminded me a little too much of the abusers I’ve come across in my own life. But after reading the second book, her inclusion gives me hope. By including her, the second movie can’t argue that Roz is unique in her experience, because we’re shown that is simply not the case. I really hope the ending to the second movie sees some serious differences to the second book.

In my shock after reading that ending, I absentmindedly flipped through the last few pages, all the extra content that came with the book. And then I saw reading questions, for the kids who read this book in class. I can see people arguing that “it’s not that deep” and “it’s just a kids book,” but I think the fact that it’s for children just makes the ending more disturbing to me. If I had read this as a child, I would have cried, and I just wouldn’t have the words to explain what I felt was wrong. But now, I do. This ending shows that the only members of an oppressed group that deserve rights are the ones that the oppressors deem “special.” The “good ones.” And that all the ones who don’t fit so nicely into that subjective category should be stripped of their personhood and enslaved. Not a good look.

I know flawed characters exist. But I don’t think Roz was meant to be morally gray. This ending was written in a way that felt more like we were expected to feel happy for Roz for making her way home, despite the fact that she blinded herself to the injustices faced by her kind back in human society. We don’t even get an inkling that she realizes something is wrong. The only part of it that we’re supposed to be sad about is that she could never see Molovo again. And yet, that’s the only part that didn’t upset me. Good riddance!

All in all, before I read this I was so invested in Roz. I’m autistic (yes, I know, you can tell), so I hold certain interests very dear to my heart, and The Wild Robot was one of them. Roz was my everything! To me, this ending felt like a betrayal from someone I love.

If you agree or disagree with this take I want to hear your thoughts! Hey, maybe some of you can make me feel better about all this.

TL;DR: Roz kind of ends the second book as an apologist for the slavery of her own kind, and is not challenged by the author in this notion. I am heartbroken.

[rainbowsky]

twitter BJ_ByYourSide/status/1427940852433776640 I'm confused on why this clip isn't on everyone's favorite list. There so much here! DD not wanting to sound fake and wanting to keep stuff away from the media. Reminds me of when he seemed upset with dd for praising him until gg reassured him he was being sincere. And obviously this is crush behavior- "what did he say about mee", so cute! Do you know when this was filmed? I would imagine the earlier stages cause he seemed insecure

This is the link, to make it easier for readers.

Hi Anon,

I'm a bit confused about why you think this isn't a popular clip. This one is actually quite popular, and fans made a big deal about it when it was first released. It's maybe not as popular as the 9 minutes of bickering on a boat or the lewd moments or jealousy in 3 languages, but it's also not nearly as exciting as those clips.

To me in order for a clip to be exciting it has to be entertaining (and ones containing both of them are always the most entertaining) or it has to reveal something new about them (jealousy in 3 languages seemed to give clues about their sexual orientation, for example).

This clip, while cute and also somewhat hilarious, doesn't give anything all that new. We already knew that DD is into GG, we already knew that he's the sort of person to be invested in what GG thinks about him and in what GG says about him.

I also don't see this clip the same way a lot of fans see it. I don't see it as 'early days, guy has a crush on another guy' at all. It strikes me as fairly normal behavior that doesn't give us much timeline insight. I think anyone discussing an interview where they were a likely topic would want to know what the other person said about them, especially if they were romantically involved with them.

If anything, that clip makes me eye the Devil's Timeline even more. There are a few things that stick out.

DD is speaking pretty openly about how sweet, handsome, cute, etc. GG is. That's not something I see someone as reserved as DD saying about someone he doesn't know well, to people he doesn't know well.

When the producer says that GG said they 'have a good friendship', everyone in the room starts laughing. To me it comes across as, "That's the understatement of the year." Like the people there know that GG and DD are more than just friends.

When DD brings up the game, I think he's musing about things he could have mentioned in the interview but didn't - not that he's 'excited about having had some alone time with a guy he has a crush on', as so many turtles think. That's only reinforced by what someone said in the comments of that clip, that "I didn't want to say it" in reference to the game was actually mistranslated and would be better translated as "I forgot it", which is why the producer said, "Your reaction was slow."

Similarly, someone in the comments said that "Am I fake?" (in response to why he didn't say all these glowing things about GG in the interview) would have been better translated as, "I would have sounded fake." So some fan impressions come out of how the clip was translated.

Everyone's going to have their own interpretations/impressions of things. A lot of fans read DD as insecure here, trying to pump the producer for information about his 'crush'. That's not at all how I saw this clip.

To me, judging from DD's body language and demeanour, he comes across as relaxed and maybe a bit bored. I don't see any insecurity at all in his behavior or speech.

He's obviously quite comfortable in his surroundings and with the people around him. DD is a scrupulously polite, often very reserved guy. He simply wouldn't behave so casually around people he doesn't know well or have a good rapport with. Some of his behavior could come across as rude if he's interacting with a superior he doesn't know very well.

So this clip tells me that DD has developed a laid back relationship with the crew, which leads me to believe he's not the 'new', 'shy', 'insecure' person that fans read him to be.

I also get the impression - like I said before - that DD is already in a relationship with GG at this point.

It's hard to say when it was recorded, but likely well into filming. After all, those interviews were filmed as promo, and it's unlikely they'd start filming those things before the cast and crew had gotten well into the groove of the project.

Just my two cents. Like I said, a lot of people have a different view of this and that's their right. We'll likely never know for sure what this was really all about.

If people don't talk about clips like this much now, it's probably because the BTS is really old and people aren't talking about any of the BTS much these days. These BTS moments were all filmed nearly 6 years ago.

Edit: here's GG's interview, which is being discussed in that clip.

[dare-to-dm]

What's the ac unity debacle?

Assassin's Creed Unity had a legendarily bad rollout. Like, it's the poster child for modern games released in such a buggy state that they're almost unplayable and then fixed later with patches. You may have seen some of the pictures of particularly gnarly graphical glitches:

But there were also a lot of game breaking bugs as well, prompting a well deserved outcry from those who pre-ordered or purchased it on day one.

It also had more aggressive monetization and micro-transactions than previous titles. I didn't play it, so I don't know all the details of this. But I remember hearing that you would find treasure chests all over the world that you needed to purchase special currency to open. Stuff like that.

But all of that is stuff I could have ignored or gotten over once it was fixed. What really upset me and a bunch of other people was during development when it was revealed through marketing that the game would have a co-op multiplayer mode. A multi-player mode in which you could play 4 white guys. Which prompted some fans to ask "Hey, could we get a playable woman assassin instead of 4 identical dudes?"

And if the response had simply been "no", it still would have sucked, but it probably wouldn't have been a controversy. Instead of just saying no, one of the game leads tried to argue "Well, we'd love to put in female playable characters. But honestly, it just wouldn't be possible. It would be too much work. Too many new animations."

Which any fan of the series would know is a blatant lie. Because past games in the series already had fully animated playable women assassins. Other game developers came out of the woodwork to also call foul on the preposterous claim that it would be too much work to add a playable female character, so it was a complaint leveraged not just by angry fans but also by industry insiders.

Furthermore, during this time it came out that at least one of the company leads was let go for sexual misconduct against a female employee, and several other male leads resigned among similar rumors. One of whom apparently had specifically been using his influence to prevent the series from having women protagonists or to reduce their significance because he didn't believe they were good for sales.

So yeah, it was a shit show all around. And though I am a fan of the series, I've decided never to touch that particular title because I'm still mad about it.

[ryemackerel]

idk shit about Ed’s world BUT who am I if not a hyperfixation enabler. give me your hcs for this series

ELLIOT IM GONNA GO INSANEWEHRG OK OK IM SO READY FOR THIS 😈😈😈 Im going to be insane about Matt since I might overfill the page if I do the others LMAOAO

I like to imagine my hcs take place in 2016? Matt was born August something, 1990, so she would be 26 in hcs.

Some starters!! He LOVESS aquatic life, mainly jellyfish and sharks. He's very fond of frutiger aero in that matter :-)

Matt and Tom were the ones that came up with the idea of starting a band in high school! They invited Tord and Edd to join in, and it evolved into what is known today as "The Creatures From Mum's Basement"! Matt is lead singer and guitarist in a bunch of their songs.

Matt and Edd were the only ones out of the four to go to college. While Edd studied art and animation, Matt studied fashion design and cosmetology. Matt is really REALLY good at designing outfits and doing makeup. She often helps the others do their makeup or design outfits for special occasions.

I never really saw Matt as an actual narcissist? At least in my hcs! In the series he's characterized to be very full of himself, but I wanted to give a little more nuance for my hcs. Esp since I wanted my hcs to be centered around comfort and overall slice of life? While also giving the boys some of their own flaws n struggles, and really trying to dive deeper into how they develop as characters over time.

(Healing/Slice of Life AUs seem to be the overall theme for almost all of the fandoms I've been in LMAOAKA)

Matt is very much a very compassionate guy who loves the other three with ALLL of her heart. She's very hyperactive and loves to ramble about all of the things she loves. He's very expressive, energetic, and cares deeply about everyone he loves. I bet you he will literally go on a 10 minute ramble of how much he adores and loves Tom, Edd, or Tord. He is also!! very clingy. He will hold on so so tightly to the closest person to him and never let go /silly

However, Matt is nothing short of a pessimist. I think of Matt as a short fuse, or a wall of glass. Something bad happens, and it could quickly ruin his day. I tend to see her having a very fragile self-esteem, and often relies on compliments and reassurance from the others.

Ofc there are times where Matt can have a lot of pride about herself, but on other occasions that can quickly fluctuate. That, and also him having really bad anxiety leads him to catastrophisize a lot of outcomes.

Her mind tends to race a lot; she gets extremely worried if she accidentally upsets someone, or if someone doesn't come home for a while, she might believe something bad happened to them. He's very quick to act on his anxiety and struggles to really settle down. I also see her having a short temper whenever things just, really don't go her way the way she expects them to.

(more under the break)

I like to take a character's traits and compare them with the others because! Often times I like to think a pair of characters can share a lot of similar traits, maybe even build off of each other, or even heavily contrast with one another.

Take TomMatt for example, my favorite duo :-] While you have Matt who tends to be very open and expressive about things that bother him, Tom, in contrast, doesn't like to open up. Tom loves being around the others and expressing his love, but he often comes off as *closed off* whenever he has shit on his mind.

Another thing is Tom also has awful anxiety, but the way he handles this is a LOT more different than Matt. Matt seeks out reassurance, rants/vents a lot, and at times tries self-care. However, Tom, to put it lightly, tends to shove it off, handles it with distractions, and prioritizes the others instead of himself.

Matt can get ahead of himself and come up with a bunch of catastrophes, but Tom, I can imagine, is more of a realist and helps ground Matt whenever she goes too far.

"But??? What if Tord doesn't come back because something bad happened?? He said he would be coming back yesterday, and it's been 3 days! Do you think he crashed his car? Or, maybe he changed his mind, and decided he doesn't want to be with us anymore?"

"If Tord didn't like us, he wouldn't have decided to come back in the first place. Also, he might be really busy in the army and had to postpone a bunch of shit, maybe that's why he couldn't come back sooner."

"...Well, what if he doesn't come back at all?"

"We're just gonna have to see."

I'll stop it here for now because I intended to go super short and simple, but I had wayyy too much fun with this HGRHE hope you enjoyed a little preview into my hcs!!

Also off-topic but with the amount of times I like to write a lot of scenarios in my art's captions, I'm considering writing fanfiction 🤭

[paulsbrokenaglass-beatles]

"In early 1962, I was approached in the shop by a couple and their very young-looking daughter who nervously asked to see Mr Epstein. Brian was in London for the whole week so I ushered them through to Brian’s office. The girl was called Jennifer and she was a pretty little thing of about 16 or 17. The father spoke first. 'Well, it’s like this. We don’t want to bother anyone.’ The mother cut in, 'Our Jennifer is five months pregnant and the father is one of your Beatles - John,’ she said emphatically. The girl winced and I began to feel desperately sorry for her. The mother continued, 'It’s not right. She was only young when she went with him and I know it takes two but we reckon she were taken advantage of. She’s going to miss out on her exams and we’ve no money to take care of someone else’s baby. We want to see this John pays up in full for this baby’s upkeep. Our Jennifer says she is determined to keep the baby and we will give it a home of course.’ […] Brian rang in every day, and when he called that afternoon I broke the sorry story to him. He sounded very upset for the girl but he asked me, 'Do you believe them?’ I said that I did. There was an awful, lonely sadness in the girl’s eyes that said more than any of the mother’s angry accusations. Two days later, he was back and we discussed the matter in detail. The Beatles were at a crucial stage in their development and Brian was clearly concerned about the threat of a scandal and the effect it might have on their budding careers. The early '60s were very different days from the liberated times that so quickly followed. Brian arranged for the family to come back in and see him personally. He sent a car for them and we met them together. This time the mother was more subdued. Brian was very charming and he expressed enormous concern for the girl’s wellbeing. He apologised on John’s behalf and tried to let Jennifer down gently about the chances of renewing their relationship. Then he said, 'As the Beatles’ manager, I am responsible and I have no intention of shirking my responsibilities. I think it is in everyone’s interests for us to strike an agreement that takes care of the situation.’ Brian agreed to pay £250 and so much a week maintenance for the baby until it was 16. […] Afterwards, Brian was quite upset. 'That poor young girl,’ he said. 'Isn’t it sad that sex always seems to have such an ugly side to it? That family could have been smashed apart by this. Do you think we have put them back together again?’ 'You’re sure they were telling the truth, then, Brian?’ I asked. He looked shocked. He had taken every word they had said at face value and believed them completely. 'Alistair,’ he said imperiously, 'I can’t believe you can even think a family would put themselves through that sort of ordeal unless they were being completely honest. And not a word about all of this to John. He has enough to concentrate on. This whole affair is between you and I. The subject is now closed.’ But Brian said afterwards that what had perturbed him the most was the young girl, Jennifer. She looked a real little waif in her school uniform. Brian wondered what on earth she would have done if her parents and he had not taken charge of the situation. I said, 'Brian, some parents would have kicked her straight out of the door.’ He put his hand to his head in surprise. 'How awful!’ he said, and I could see that he meant it.

Alistair Taylor, With the Beatles