#being so dedicated and devoted to your child and you know ultimately you can’t do that much. you *know* that against bombs and real weapons

[purecommemasolitude]

You guys ever think about s/c/a/r/e/c/r/o/w. Augh.

[dourpeep]

The men of Genshin as romance types:

This just kind popped up in my head after thinking about Xiao's characterization! I might add to this in the future, but for now it's just a small list of headcanons + a short blurb :>

Contains: Lots of fluff, lightly suggestive

Features: Albedo, Venti, Kaeya, Xiao, Zhongli, Childe, and Diluc

Note: you can be soft and still top btw, this is only for how they'd be romantically

Sweet:

Albedo

Albedo is also shown canonically to do little gestures like give people the sketch he did of them to see them smile, this man might seem kinda standoffish at first, but he's not cold

From his voicelines and story, we also know that Albedo is the type of person to think pretty deeply about everything around him

His brain goes 100 miles an hour with all the possibilities and scenarios he can think of

So with his s/o, the best thing that could happen is that he'll take the time to really slow down and unwind

Being a busy, busy man in pursuit of knowledge beyond anyone's comprehension, Albedo rarely gets time off (his sketches are considered research, in a way, no?)

So once he's finally at home, there will be lots of little shows of affection

Passing behind you, perhaps a light touch on your back or shoulder to let you know he's there

On a particularly rough day, he'll sit facing you with his forehead resting on your chest and just--take your hands and put them in his hair

Not really the type to pamper, but there's no doubt of his love

Probably the type of guy to like sitting close in silence

Maybe on the nights you cook, he'll come and wrap his arms around your waist, head leaning on your shoulder as he watches you work

Quietly, you lay on the couch tangled up in his arms, the soft sound of breathing and the light warmth you feel lulling you to sleep. It seems that, even though Albedo is left half asleep from a long day of research, he still continues to trace mindless little patterns on the back of your hand with his thumb. You shift, and he hums, pulling you closer.

Venti

The man’s been through so much, honestly

He's lost his closest friend, helped a rebellion usurp a tyrant, been through a war that lasted centuries, watched as another friend he'd known since birth fall to corruption (but ultimately was saved)

Point being, he's tired and just wants to have his fun

True to his nature, he likes to tease and poke at his s/o, but nothing that can't be undone (after all, a prank isn't funny if it's permanent)

Hand holding, is a must! Venti is a very affectionate person who isn't afraid to express his feelings when it comes to his s/o

Lots of smooches too! (Please smooch him back)

Speaking of hands and smooches, he's the type to bring your hand to his lips and give each your fingertips a little kiss. They've done so much for you and allow him the joy of holding them, so it's the least he can do!

His type of love is free and sweeter than the scent of cecelias, soft as the wind that kisses your skin

Really, he wants to be able to treasure you as much as he can in the time you have together

Today was a picnic date kind of day. A basket filled with fresh, ripe sunsettias and a few dishes you both worked together to make (mostly you, after what happened with Venti's apple cake) sat on top of a sturdy blanket laid on the grass. Head laid in your lap, the wandering bard strummed idly on his lyre, adding a lovely backdrop to an already perfect day.

Romantic:

Kaeya

Of course, the suave Captain doesn't stop with honeyed words

Mysterious as he is, he takes what he does in stride

If he could spend all his life entwined with you, he'd die a happy man

Kaeya is the type of partner to romance with candlelight and nighttime strolls on the beach

A little cheesy, yes, but all the more to sweep you off your feet

Flirty, he likes to take his time with his love and while he similarly treasures his s/o, it's in the way the fairytales are written

Perhaps a little cliche at times

Nevertheless, he's the type of partner to sweep you into a dance despite there being no music and dip you low (whether you both lose balance and fall is up to gravity)

He'll show his affection physically, whether through a quick kiss when you stop by the Favonious Knight's HQ, or pulling you close when you walk through a crowd on a market day

Teasing is also a big thing, if he can make you blush, his mission is accomplished

In privacy, expect his treatment to be the same--it wouldn't do any good if he leaves his dear s/o confused about how he feels

Once again, you take his hand and he sweeps you into a lively waltz, sweeping across the living room floor. Not once do his eyes leave yours. All he ever needs is the feel of you close and the rush of his heart in his chest that bubbles into something fonder when your laugh reaches his ears.

Xiao

Not the best with words, Xiao shows his love through his actions

Little gifts, helping now and then with commissions and clearing the road, he'll do it all with no expectation of thanks (should you thank him, he'll be extremely grateful for the recognition but also perhaps unsure how to react)

He doesn't tend towards physically showing affection to his s/o, so when he does, expect them to show his utter devotion

Often, Xiao questions what it is that he did to deserve such a love, but as soon as you appear in his view, it no longer matters because as long as you believe him to be worthy, why wouldn't he be?

His love is based deeply in trust. The heart is a fragile thing and to someone who's suffered so much in his lifetime, he guards it fiercely to protect himself

When he finally does allow himself the comfort of a relationship, he'll soak it up entirely

Nights spent stargazing on the top of Wangshu Inn, pinkies intertwined, or bodies held together tightly with the sweet exchange of breath

Every touch that he offers is gentle, reverent, and serves to remind him that what he's experiencing is real

He tried, really, for the thing on the plate to turn out the way that you usually make it. It's a far cry from what he remembers, but you set it down and bring your hands to his face. The sight of your beaming smile warms him deeply and he pulls you in close for a kiss.

Zhongli

Be still, my beating heart-

Just as he's full of information from the flowers of Liyue to the deepest cracks in the soil, he loves fully and unapologetically

He's lived through many eras and seen so much that it's hard to not want to express how he feels as he feels it

Deeply appreciative of whatever his s/o does and does for him

He indulges in every word, touch, feeling, and look- He's not a greedy man, but when it comes to love? There's a deep desire to feel it all

There are many ways that Zhongli expresses that love, a few being through your daily strolls through Liyue Harbor and the daily and nightly rituals the two of you have settled down into

His favorite is probably the mornings

There's something about waking up wrapped up in your lover's arms, head resting on their chest as the sun's warm beams shine through the windows that's utterly satisfying

Zhongli indulges in these little moments, favoring them over all else

Once in a while, he'll take you back to where your first date was to reminisce, perhaps even (jokingly) mention little embarrassing things either of you did

Zhongli watches as you sip at your drink and admires the way the sun compliments your eyes. You're preoccupied by the falling leaves, it seems, mentioning how they're just as brilliant gold as his. Though the feeling he feels is far from the excitement of butterflies, it has settled into a comforting sort of warmth that hopes you feel as well.

Passionate:

Childe

This man's love is wild like his personality

Loud, fun, and never quite predictable, he loves like a whirlwind and with an enthusiasm to match no other

Lots of teasing going on here, to make you blush or to mess with you, you'll never know

But it's his unapologetic fire that drew you to him to begin with

When he's not occupied with work, he'll drag you to go sight seeing

Every experience is a new experience, no matter if it's something that seems so everyday or not

His affection is in the form of tightly held hands (he doesn't want to lose you with how quickly he weaves through the crowd), well-placed winks, and kisses to steal your breath away

He also loves in a way that's fiercely protective. His job is a dangerous one and, with the way he's open with your relationship, his affection serves to protect you

But don't forget that despite his passion, he's a man who deeply treasures those close to him and, as his s/o, you'll be showered with only the best he can give you

It was only a quick break in your day, he'd assured, but it quickly became another round of seeing Liyue through his eyes. In the span of only an hour, you've already spotted an untouched patch of glaze lilies, sampled rich Li-style cuisine and fresh Yue-style cuisine, helped a young girl fetch her kite from atop a tree, and now are working your way (or rather, Childe is working your way for you) to a little area behind the busy streets to show you a pack of dogs he'd befriended. Fondly, you smile and watch as he beckons them out of hiding.

Diluc

Diluc lives for the way that his s/o brings the best out of him and, in return, he does the same back

He exudes the air of a gentleman with the way he shows his affection, but, whether intentionally or not, in an utterly enticing way

Being busy during the day with running the tavern and the winery as well as at night as the Darknight Hero (he insists you stop calling him that as well, but you don't miss the light flush of pride each time), the time he dedicates to you is left in the early morning long before you leave for the day and the evening as he settles just before he sets off

During morning time, he's often fond of running his hands over you, feeling each dip and curve, memorizing the way your hair falls and the way your lips curve when you smile

It's a quiet sort of passion

His love is expressed in the fond murmurs against your shoulder and head, sharing those moments of deep intimacy both physical and not

In the evenings, you both settle in front of the fireplace, sharing a drink or two

There's sometimes a certain look in his eye that sets your heart aflame in the dimly lit room, and sometimes he sets off a little later that night in lieu of a few more stolen moments with you

Diluc slides into your shared bed in the early hours of the morning, a bit later than usual. The shift stirs you just enough to wake up to two arms pulling you to his chest and a deep breath with his nose buried in your hair. He's no doubt exhausted. Eyes bleary, you turn until you're facing him and loosely wrap an arm around his waist. In the moments you're still half-awake, you hear a low murmur of 'love you' and you smile against his skin.

[sasarahsunshine]

With the idea of Hotch being gay and marrying a supportive Hailey, what if they're both gay? She likes girls, he likes guys, neither of them are comfortable/safe with the idea of being out, so they agree to marry each other, maybe even specifically plan on having Jack later because they both do want kids. And so one day Hotch is stressing about having a crush on Spencer, and he's not out to most of the team or anything, and Hailey gets a crush on someone, and they just blurt it out, and soon agree to start the divorce so they can see where it goes now that they're at stable points in their lives.

It's probably a long discussion with the team after that, that he does put off a bit because he doesn't know how to explain it?

(Though maybe one member had found out earlier, maybe Morgan? Just imagine Spencer ranting a bit about his crush on Hotch to him, and Morgan has to act like he doesn't know that Hotch is definitely gay, and almost definitely into him. )

Oooooh okay, I like this.

I've seen a lot of fics that have referenced Jessica (Haley's sister) being a lesbian (and I LOVE that HC too). But what if Haley was actually a lesbian? She and Aaron met in high school and bonded over the fact that as teens in the 80's, they couldn't be out. They did that fun switch-a-roo thing, where Aaron "dates" Haley's girlfriend, and Haley "dates" Aaron's boyfriend, so their parents are none the wiser.

But then Aaron's father catches him with a boy... and sends him away to that all-boys school (which, if you think about it, sounds like a bad plan for a gay child lmao). When Aaron comes home, it's Haley who suggests that they get married to placate their parents (because again, they were gay in the 80's/90's and it was def a dangerous time for people to be out back then). They're best friends anyways, and is marriage really that hard when you're living with your best friend?

And as life goes on, Aaron rising up in his career, it's almost kind of... forgotten? That they're gay? It's become buried, deep down inside of both of them. They had to pretend to be the perfect couple, and soon it became routine. You don't go through this routine of lying to yourself every day for 20 years without forgetting yourself, you know? It's Haley who, once they've had Jack, takes a look in the mirror and wonders, "What are we doing to ourselves?"

Because yes, they're happy! In a sense. They're still close, they still *love* each other- just not like that. And Aaron is dedicating himself to his job more and more every year, slowly losing himself the same way she watched Gideon lose himself. And maybe Haley meets a woman... who makes her happy in a way she has never felt, can't describe.

So, ultimately, she asks for a divorce. They can't keep going down this path of pretending, because it's killing them both inside. Aaron is pulling away because he's been hiding who he is for so long he's becoming a shell of a person. Haley can't stand seeing him like this. She sits him down, grabbing his hand, and tells him that she'll always love him--as much as a lesbian can love a man. "You're my best friend. I want to see you happy."

The problem is... Aaron doesn't know how to be himself. He doesn't know who he is outside of a devoted FBI agent, outside of being an absent father and husband. He doesn't know where to start on his journey of self-discovery-- he's 38 years old (in my headcanon) when he and Haley divorce. For the last 20 years of his life he's been someone he's not; how do you learn to tear down those walls that you've built up for so long? How do you remove the mask that's been in place for twenty years?

(whoops this got away from me and I didn't even get to the team finding out part lmao)

[gojosatoruwifey]

who are your favorite top ten black clover characters & ships? talk about them! ~tat

Hiii, Tat!!! o(≧∇≦o)

Answering this, is hard but I enjoy it nonetheless so here is the list for my top 10 Black Clover Characters and Ship:

1. Nacht Faust

❀ This is obviously my first answer (⁄ ⁄•⁄ꇴ⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄

❀ This is probably because I found him cool. I always find black haired characters cool and amazing and Nacht is not an exception to the list! When my eyes laid on him on the new opening of Black Clover, I quickly read the manga since curiosity is killing me (๑꧆◡꧆๑) and just like I hope it be, Nacht is amazing. From his quick thinking and analyzations to his *cough* sharp words as well as his strong standing on his ground towards his opinions to Black Bulls and Captain Yami (⭒•͈ 𓎺 •͈ ) I found his character interesting. I might say I kind of look like this: (⎻▵ ⎻) when Nacht talks ‘honestly’ to the rest of the Black Bulls.

❀ That panel where Nacht meets Mereoleona and he turned away his head while his hand cover his view made me really fall in love to him more  (///∇///✿)

❀ I kind of give Charmy’s fangirling when I see Nacht.

❀I hope Tabata don’t kill Nacht :< It will be not me that will get depressed if that happens.

2. Mereoleona Vermillion

❀ LEONA-SAMA ▒▒▓█▇▅▂∩( ✧Д✧)∩▂▅▇█▓▒▒

❀ If Nacht didn’t exist, Leona will be on my top list.

❀ Everyone agrees that the most amazing, coolest, most beautiful and astounding female in Black Clover is this stunning lady.

❀ *sigh dramatically* The way she talks? the way she lead? the way she walk? the way she breath? 1000/100

❀ I found her funny when she drag Asta and Yuno for a training in the Ultime-Volcano Mountain Trail along with the others. I literally squeal when she encourages Asta on her own way as she see him struggling in that zone where a huge mana resides.

❀ She did not just talk to Asta but also Noelle, our tsundere royalty. You can always observe how Noelle can be unmotivated and prideful. This caught Leona’s attention and mentioned Noelle’s mother to drive her to fight and surpasses the Steel War Princess.

❀The most trait I love about her is that she enjoy the fights and challenges she encounter.

❀Let’s forget about Nacht, maybe, I should put Leona on the 1st spot.

3. YamiChar

❀ EVERY. TIME.CHARLOTTE.THINKS.ABOUT.YAMI makes me feel giddy when she blushes at the thought of Yami (♡⸃ ◡ ⸂♡)

❀Aside from romance, this ship is good for comedy.

❀I highly recommend to watch their rom-com show (❦ ᴗ ❦ ✿)

4. Nozel Silva

❀ Our ever serious Captain and at the same, hesitant older brother.

❀Hmm, where do I start? At first, I don’t like how the Silva siblings being the villains in Noelle’s story and how Nozel deal with it even he knows the truth but he’s still a child when that happened and that mechanism is stuck with him as he grew up.

❀I forgive him later on (´ ᴗ｀✿) I hope the rift between them will be resolved.

❀As a Magic Knight, I admire his power and dignity in the battlefield. How can his bangs keep up with him? Hehe Jokes aside, I love how Nozel analyzes the situation before fighting and thinking how to solve them.

5. Fuegoleon Vermillion

❀FUEGO-SAAAAAN!!

❀I give him a round of applause when he and Leopold didn’t judge Asta’s status as a commoner and see the boy as a Magic Knight. I’m so happy to know that he didn’t acknowledge a person’s status but rather, value their skills and talent.

❀Magic Knight or not, I love how Fuego-san is portray as someone who will not stand by when he see a person is being oppressed or hurt. 

❀ (இ ‸ இ✿)

6. Julius Novachrono

❀Moving on! Behold, our Magic King!

❀I hope the Clover Kingdom’s king will be kick out on the throne ‘cause he is not doing a good job for being a king towards his citizen. I will not mind if I sit on that throne and rule the Clover Kingdom  (◕▿◕✿) i love world domination in an anime.

❀Before Julius became the Magic King, I noted how he has a good eye to people. Just like Fuego-san, Julius acknowledge them regardless of their status on the society and inspire them to be great people.

❀I gaped at the sight of Julius’ grimoire since its coverless??? I’m interested what is the reason why is it like that. 

❀Those Magic Nerd and sneaking-away-from-work moments made him more human-intriguing and he is also a reliable person, not just towards the people of the Kingdom.

❀I thought he’s intimidating but Tabata made him otherwise.

7.Asta

❀Such a precious kid.

❀I admire his dedication, really. Not everyone can be that devoted to his dream/goal. I know that he can be cliché and unreastically optimistic sometimes but when you think about it, Asta is the representation of that ‘drive‘ inside us. That drive when you want to achieve something (reward, a goal, a once-in-a-lifetime thing on your bucket list, etc.)

❀   ゜:(つд⊂):゜。

8. Lolopechka/ Loropechka

❀ A Queen, indeed.

❀She might be different from other queen who carries elegance and class but hey, Lolopechka is a good Queen for her kingdom despite being insecure towards herself, doubtful if she can be a Queen for the Heart Kingdom and she’s also pressured shouldering the lives of her people.

❀If that enough can’t define what being a true Ruler is, then there’s something wrong to your perspective.

❀She did her best protecting her kingdom even she’s cursed. Showed her clumsy side (other people will thought that this is a weakness) and respected by her people.

9. Yami Sukehiro

❀I have nothing to say, this man is amazing.

❀That’s it.

10. Finral Roulacase

❀Some might see him as a coward. Honestly, I did see him one too and that’s before he fought a member of the Third Eye. Finral’s character is relatable, really. In a realistic perspective, don’t you think that majority of the people is scared of what’s the unknown while there are some people who are too brave that it can be out of hand?

❀A failure noble, useless until Yami uses his magic, a playboy and blah blah.

❀Out of that, Finral didn’t fail for being a ‘human‘. He created Fallen Angel Flapping, he supported Asta, he didn’t force girls to date with him.

❀Yeah. Just that ‘cause Finral is amazing on his own way.

[concussed-to-pieces]

The Mettle Of A Man; Part Seven

Fandom: Fallout (4)

Pairing: Eventual Paladin Danse/Female Sole Survivor

Rating: Holy shit M.

AN: Enjoy!

Part One: ArcJet

Part Two: The Prydwen

Part Three: Orders

Part Four: Finding Brandis

Part Five: Weston Water And Oberland

Part Six: Meeting Preston And Matthew

Paladin Danse, pride of the Brotherhood of Steel, yawned loudly right before he took the shot. The radstag looked up, alerted to his presence, but it was already too late for the beast.

  Danse lumbered down to the water's edge, hauling the body up onto the withered grass and then drawing his combat knife. As messy as field dressing creatures could be, Danse found himself soothed by the memorized motions. He wondered idly whether he could have been happy doing something like this. Just hunting to support his own needs, staking a claim on some forlorn piece of land and slowly shaping it into a home, maybe even starting a family...

  He almost nicked his thumb due to his inattention and Danse grunted, a little irritated to have caught himself daydreaming about a more domestic existence. You're a member of the Brotherhood of Steel , he scolded, start acting like it! Imagining fake lifetimes was reserved for those who hadn't sworn the Creed, dedicating their lives to carrying out the will of their Elder and honoring the tenets of the Brotherhood.

  Theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die.

  Danse's familiarity with the task made quick work of butchering the animal, the paladin rolling everything neatly into the bedraggled hide he had peeled off the beast. The inedible bits of the animal he buried, not wanting to draw any predatory attention to the site. 

  With the lumpy, makeshift sack slung over his shoulder, the paladin trekked back up the hill to the station. Preston waved at him from the fortified wall and the paladin saluted out of habit. 

  Danse found himself powerless to stop his smile when a freckled face popped out from the doorway of the station, Matthew staring down at him. The child's fear seemed to have evaporated overnight, replaced by the verbose curiosity that so many of his age group eagerly employed. It probably helped that Danse had left his power armor behind the station.

  "Whatd'ja get?" The boy asked, skittering down the stairs.

  "Radstag. Notoriously gamey, but ultimately acceptable for consumption." Danse replied as he rinsed off his hands and knife, surprised when Matt nodded solemnly.

  "My papa and older brothers get them sometimes. He says I can't see them shoot one yet though. When I'm older I can come along." Matthew squatted beside the paladin, watching intently as Danse unrolled the pelt and separated out the different cuts of meat. Some would benefit immensely from being aged, but out in the field there was little chance of a reliably-cooled environment. 

  Danse frowned. He had been hoping for smaller game, like some mole rats. He hadn't wanted to pass up the prolific meat the larger beast offered, but now he felt a bit foolish for impulsively going after a creature they may not be able to consume entirely before it spoiled. He couldn't spend all day cooking or preserving it either, he had promised Preston he would finish the wall--

  "Good news!" Garvey called, a spring in his step as he approached the two. "Matt's folks are coming 'round to collect him as soon as possible. I'd expect them by noon, if not earlier."

  "Does your family need food, Matthew?" Danse asked the boy bluntly, gesturing down at the meat. 

  "I got three brothers and four sisters, Mister Danse sir." Matt said by way of reply, his eyes a little wide. "We grow some stuff and my mama makes pretty things to sell, but food's kinda' tight." A flush rose on his face. "We're not poor though! Not poor. We have a place to live, and clean water." He continued defiantly.

  Danse was stunned silent for a moment, and Preston cleared his throat. "You need a hand with that, Paladin?" 

  "I...yes. Thank you, Lieutenant." Danse mumbled, struggling to gather his thoughts. "I may have bitten off more than I could chew as far as resources go. If you would...just...uh, wrap the…"

  "You want them to have the decent stuff, or the larger stuff?" Preston asked simply, crouching down.

  The paladin grimaced. "The whole damn thing, but I'm certain they wouldn't accept it." He muttered incredulously under his breath, " eight children." 

  "They're lucky. A lot of times, pregnancy doesn't really work out so well." Preston rumpled Matthew's hair. "How about you decide, big man. You want the whole deer, minus what we eat for breakfast?"

  "What, really? All of it?!" The boy asked excitedly, looking up at Danse like he was waiting for confirmation. Danse nodded jerkily, unsure of exactly which emotion was choking him at the moment. "This will make my mama wicked happy! I hear her cry sometimes about food. S'why I went to the water place, I was tryin' to scavenge for stuff like my big brothers do."

  It was hardly Danse's first time encountering a family that was low on resources. He had grown up a scavenger himself, alone and hungry. The Capital Wasteland had been rife with desperate people who were willing to try their luck against fully armored BoS troops. Danse couldn't even begin to count the amount of times hostile situations had erupted due to the Brotherhood sitting pretty atop a mountain of supplies. 

  "I'm glad it'll be put to good use, then." He managed to say, his fists balled up tightly. 

  At least right here, right now , he could help.

  …

  Danse trudged across the lot yet again, dragging a massive fallen tree behind him. Thanks to his power armor, the paladin was a machine of industry when it came to building the remaining two sides of barricades. Backhand was just grateful that he had waited until after eight o'clock to begin. Her sleep had been poor, filled with dreams of chasing after Shaun.

  Danse worked almost silently aside from noises of exertion, and it seemed as though his mind was elsewhere. If Backhand had learned anything during her brief stint of traveling with the paladin it was that when he pondered, he appeared to devote his whole body to the task.

  "He's really somethin', General." Preston commented. "I mean, just look at him go! If more folks in the Brotherhood were like him, I feel as if the tide would finally start to turn for the Commonwealth."

  "You're not wrong." Backhand agreed, wiping the sweat off her forehead. After Danse had assured her that he was more than up to the task of finishing the fence, she had decided to start planting the crops. So here she was, General of the Minutemen, up to her elbows in dirt, tato seeds and corn kernels while Matt 'supervised'. "I think he likes helping."

  "Kindred spirits?" Preston teased. 

  "Maybe so!" She laughed, flicking his knee with dirt-covered fingers. "I think the Commonwealth could always use more people willing to lend a hand, though."

  "The Minutemen certainly can, even if the rest of the Commonwealth wants to stick its head in the sand." The radio on Preston's lapel crackled to life and he dashed off, practically bounding up the steps to the station so he could get a little higher and clear the signal. " Lieutenant Preston Garvey here… "

  "I hope my parents come soon." Matt said quietly. He toed at a mound of dirt, his expression troubled. "D'ya think they'll be mad at me?"

  Backhand grimaced. "I doubt it. They'll be happy that you're okay. You're really lucky, y'know."

  "I know." Matt continued staring at his feet, "I just didn't want my mama to cry anymore. I wanted to fix it."

  Backhand raised her hand and placed it on his shoulder, giving him a little shake. "Hey, sometimes we're just not big enough to fix stuff by ourselves. Sometimes we're not strong enough, even when we think we are. But that's how you learn, right? So you gotta' pick yourself up and try to help where you can." The little boy still looked dejected. "I'll tell you what, Matt. As General of the Minutemen, I'm giving you a field promotion to Intel Lieutenant."

  "Intel Lieutenant?" Matthew echoed in confusion, his eyes wide. 

  "Yep. You're observant and resourceful, excellent qualities in an intelligence operative. I need you to keep your family safe, and that includes keeping you safe. A smart intelligence operative always ensures the safety of the people around them. Can I count on you, Lieutenant?" Backhand asked, wiping her hand off on her jeans and extending it to the boy.

  "Yeah. Yeah! Yeah, I can do that!" Matthew puffed his chest out a little, small fingers grappling her own when he shook her hand. "What's my first order, General ma'am?" 

  "Your first order will be to work in tandem with Preston and secure the perimeter. You walk the inside beat, he walks the outside." Backhand instructed, barely stifling her laugh at the child's stiff salute. 

  "Matthew?" An unfamiliar voice called, a thin woman slipping through the doorway Danse had left in the fence. "Matthew!"

  "Mama!" Matthew hollered, bolting across the settlement to fling himself into his mother's arms. The woman sank to her knees, holding her son close and crying into his hair as he clung to her.

  Backhand's throat ached and she looked away, blinking away the tears she wanted to shed at the reunion. She noticed that Danse had stopped mid-motion, the paladin appearing to silently watch the scene unfold.

  Preston trundled down the stairs, his smile kind as Mrs. O'Brian tried to thank him. "All part of the job, ma'am. We were happy to help." He assured her. "Really, you can thank that curmudgeon Rob. Without him telling the General about the super mutants, she never would have gone to Weston."

  Backhand rose from the dirt, brushing her knees off and meandering forward. Mrs. O'Brian launched into a new wave of thank-yous which Backhand attempted to graciously deflect, and in the midst of their conversation Mr. O'Brian arrived. He was wheezing a bit from the climb, freckled face red with exertion.

  "Matthew Amadeus O'Brian!" He thundered, and Matt lunged for him.

  "Papa!" The little boy cheered, hugging his father's leg. 

  "You had us out of our minds , young man!" Mr. O'Brian scolded, the relief in his eyes belying his sharp tone. "Don't you dare wander off like that again!"

  "I won't, I promise!"

  "We seriously can't thank you enough, we...we've been so worried ." Mrs. O'Brian daubed at her eyes with her sleeve. 

  Backhand caught her arm and carefully took her aside, speaking in undertones when she said, "Matt told us that he was trying to scavenge like his older siblings did. Apparently he overheard some discussions about food scarcity."

  Mrs. O'Brian froze guiltily, looking back at her son and husband. "I...well, the winter was so hard , General, and caps have been tight because the corn wouldn't pollinate properly. We'll get by, though. We always have." She said staunchly. 

  Backhand cocked her head towards the motionless Danse. "My friend Danse butchered a radstag earlier today. We ate our fill this morning, and Matt already promised us that you'd be willing to take the rest. It'll just go to waste, otherwise." She reasoned, watching the other woman's eyes glisten with tears all over again.

  "Oh General, we...I mean, if you're sure -?" 

  "Absolutely. Myself and the paladin will be going our separate ways from Lieutenant Garvey today, and that much meat will definitely spoil before we reach our next destination. Please, I insist."

  "I thought the Brotherhood of Steel wasn't willing to help civilians?" Mrs. O'Brian whispered cautiously, her eyes flitting to Danse.

  "I can't speak for anyone else, but my friend Danse is a cut above your average grunt." Backhand said proudly. "Once this settlement gets up and running I hope to establish a caravan between here and Starlight. If we can get the logistics squared away, hopefully that will make trade a little easier. I can't promise anything, but-"

  "I can already tell better days are coming." Mrs. O'Brian said softly, her hand clasping Backhand's own. "Now that the Minutemen are back...well, it gives folks hope again, and sometimes that's all you need." She then waved Danse over.

  His power armor grinding loudly, Danse obligingly approached the two women. "Citizen." He addressed Mrs. O'Brian with a polite nod once he was within earshot.

  "I wanted to personally thank you, Paladin Danse." The older woman announced, her voice wavering slightly. "For finding my son, a-and for the food."

  "Oh, you don't...er, thanks are not necessary, citizen." Danse floundered, rubbing the back of his neck. "A good Brotherhood of Steel soldier knows that their responsibilities lie with the people under their protection." His smile was slow, and a bit awkward. "I am simply glad that we discovered Matthew before any serious harm could be done, though I have to apologize for the cut above his eye."

  "Matt was hiding in a wall when we entered the facility, and we thought he was a hound. We may have gone through the wall." Backhand explained with a wince. 

  "The super mutants would have done much worse. Hopefully that little scrape helps him learn." Mrs. O'Brian brushed off their apology ruefully. "He's very fond of getting into trouble. I call him my little wanderer."

  "If you'll excuse me." Danse murmured, offering the older woman a salute and then turning to Backhand. "I should be done by fifteen hundred hours or thereabouts. At that point, I believe it would be prudent for us to return."

  "Are you sure? You're already burning your grease, Paladin." Backhand pointed out worriedly. 

  Danse shook his head. "Paladin Brandis will have reported in by now. I can get my armor serviced at the base."

  "Alright, I'll have everything locked and loaded." 

  The paladin nodded and headed back towards the framework of a wall that he had constructed. "God, he is tall ." Mrs. O'Brian muttered. "And stiff." She seemed to remember herself after a moment. "Uh, anyway! We really appreciate everything that you've done for us, General. Everything . If there's anything you need, or...even if you're just in the area, you're more than welcome to stop by. We'd love to have you visit!" She said, loudly enough so that Danse could hear her. 

  He simply nodded again and heaved a log up into his arms, then slammed it down over his armored knee to snap it in half. The bark essentially exploded off the trunk, bits and pieces landing on the ground as Danse shoved the crude beam into the dirt. Where the first half of the wall had been constructed with various scrap, the second half was much more reliant on raw lumber. It looked more like a stockade wall than anything.

  "Oh." Mrs. O'Brian said weakly. "Are they all...like him?"

  "I imagine some of them are way worse." Backhand chuckled. "We'll leave him to it. Let's get you that radstag."

  Mr. O'Brian was a touch more reserved than his wife, but he still expressed a wild amount of gratitude to Preston and Backhand. The entire time Matt was glued to his leg. "I'm just happy to know that there's still damn decent people out here." The older man remarked, looking a little misty as he secured the pelt over his shoulder. "We owe you a lot, General. You can count on us if the Minutemen ever need help."

  "I'll hold you to it, Mr. O'Brian. Lieutenant Matt." Backhand inclined her head to the little boy, who saluted her. "It's in your hands now, soldier. I'm depending on you. I know you're up to the task." 

  "Uh huh." Matthew replied, sounding a bit breathless. He scrambled away from his father right before they departed, fumbling with the knotted bandanna around his hand. "Here, General! I gotta' give you your luck back before I go." He said seriously, unwinding the cloth and returning it to Backhand. Without waiting for a reply, he then rushed at Danse. "Mister Danse! Hey, Mister Danse!" 

  Danse halted where he was. "Yes, Matthew?" He replied.

  "I wanted to say thank you. And I'm sorry I thought you were scary before. You're not that scary." Matthew said plainly. "You're nice even though you look scary."

  Danse arched a brow. "A charitable allowance, citizen. Maybe I'll bump into you again someday. In the meantime, try to stay out of mischief and listen to your parents. You are…" Danse paused, his expression sad. "You're very lucky to have them, Matthew."

  "I know!" The boy answered brightly, wrapping himself around Danse's greave in a makeshift hug before skipping back to his parents. "Bye, Mister Danse!"

  Danse raised one large gauntlet. "Goodbye, Matthew."

  …

  There was no easy way to say it. Danse was in a slump . It felt like the closer he got to the airport, the harder it was to force himself to keep moving forward. He doubted the amount of labor he had done earlier was helping matters, as the joints in his armor protested vigorously with every step. 

  When Knight Vega tentatively suggested that they find shelter for the night, Danse hated the relief that flooded his body. "The next suitable structure we come across." He promised, knowing that she must have spotted the radstorm he had been tracking on the horizon for several hours. 

  Steaming rain began to fall as Vega pointed out a ramshackle-looking lean-to, butted up alongside a collapsed house. "There, c'mon!" She said urgently, running through the tall grass alongside the road. 

  "Vega-!" Danse began to protest, lumbering along in her wake. Green lightning split the sky in the distance, the odd warbling thunder that accompanied radstorms rolling shortly thereafter. "Knight Vega, you don't know whether that's inhabited! "

  "I don't care!" Backhand retorted, shoving open the door with her shoulder and vanishing inside. 

  Danse tried to enter through the doorway, but it was too narrow. "Dammit Vega, you need to think your trajectory through. Don't just go running off whenever you get an idea in your head." He scolded, swapping his rifle to his right hand and flicking on the tact-light as he sidestepped gingerly through the door instead.

  The beam wavered in the darkness, playing over the battered walls and half-tarpaulin roof. It did appear that the tiny structure was deserted, and Danse wasn't sure if he should be even more cautious. What could have caused the previous inhabitants to depart? 

  Backhand stood in the middle of the room, her arms folded around herself as she shivered. "C'mon, get in here. The wind is picking up and I'm freezing ." She complained.

  Danse attempted to oblige, nearly cracking his head open on one of the ceiling trusses in his haste. The paladin grimaced, ducking and then carefully closing the door behind him. "Better?" He asked, a little irritated with her demanding attitude. 

  "Y-Yes." She replied, her voice sharp. She immediately began stripping her armor off, as well as the Vault suit beneath it. 

  Danse flinched, turning his head away. "Vega, will you-"

  "Please just...just give me a second." She begged. 

  Danse's brow furrowed, and the paladin shot her a look. Thunder rumbled in the distance and...was that a flinch? "Vega, are you-"

  "Just give me a second! " Backhand cried, probably louder than she had intended. Danse took a reflexive step back, his gauntlet clattering against the wall. "I'm sorry, I...I'm sorry, Danse. Paladin." She apologized after a second, floundering with her greaves. "It's the rain, I can't...it makes me feel sick to my stomach." 

  "You should have said something earlier, Vega." Danse chided gently. "We could have found a more defensible position."

  "I thought if we moved quick, we might make it back to the airport before it hit." Her motions were jerky as she yanked the Vault suit down, unlacing her boots as an afterthought. "But now we're stuck here for the night."

  "At least the roof appears to be sound." Danse tried to look on the bright side of their incarceration, and tried to not look at her as she stripped to her smallclothes. He was dry aside from his head, the gorget seal at his neck saw to that. But Backhand had no such luck. "I'll put my armor in front of the door to barricade it." Danse offered after a moment, taking the opportunity to turn his back to her. He didn't get a reply, and he honestly wasn't sure if he had even expected one in the first place. 

  Danse emerged from the armor, stepping down and back smoothly before he urged the hatch closed once more. He then popped the fusion core out and tucked it into his utility belt. He knew he was being overly cautious and performative when it came to giving Knight Vega her privacy, but at this point he was doing this for his own sanity as well.

  After a pregnant pause, he heard her shift her weight. "Okay, I'm decent." She mumbled.

  The scent of lantern oil wafted past his nose and a light flared up behind him, turning his shadow into a pitch black silhouette on the wall. Danse took a gamble and slowly turned around.

  Vega had thrown on a shirt that reached her mid-thigh. That was her idea of decent? She scuttled around bent nearly double, spreading her bedroll without even bothering to clear the floor beneath it. "Vega." Danse addressed her quietly, then a bit louder when she failed to respond, " Vega . You'll do serious damage to your back if you sleep so rough. Take a minute to prepare."

  "I-" Backhand's eyes were wild when they met his own. For a moment, Danse wasn't certain she knew who he was, or if she even saw him . 

  "Knight," He paused, clearing his throat and then mumbling, "Elizabeth." Saying her actual name, the name she had given Matthew, felt oddly inappropriate. "You're alright." He assured her calmly. "You're fine. We have shelter, light and food. You're alright."

  "I know ." Backhand retorted. "I-I know. And don't call me that." 

  "What?" Danse asked in confusion. "I apologize, I didn't mean to-"

  "Paladin, please ." Backhand's eyes had gone fierce, pale blue snapping in the light from the lantern. "I'm not his fucking Beth anymore." She practically snarled the words.

  "I didn't call you Beth. I called you Elizabeth." Danse replied, trying to gentle his tone.

  "Oh. I... God , Danse, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to be all…" she trailed off helplessly, making a vague gesture. "I didn't sleep well and getting sick from the rain wouldn't help. We used the last of the Rad-X for you."

  Ah . Danse should have known. This wasn't about her getting damp or being uncomfortable, it was the usual resource scarcity that had her on edge. "It'll be alright, Knight Vega. We're only a few hours out from the airport." He hesitated, unsure if he should continue. "I apologize for using your first name. I was unaware that it was a raw subject for you."

  "It's not , not really. I just...he used to call me Beth and I'm not that person anymore. It's been so long since I heard Elizabeth that I must have just assumed you said Beth. I'm sorry, Danse." She was wringing her hands nervously.

  "Logan." Danse murmured.

  "What?"

  "Fair's fair, right? My first name is Logan. I regret that I have no nickname to give you."

  …

  Backhand's eyes widened. Logan . It was a good name. It suited him. She mouthed it once to herself. "Don't encourage me to give you a nickname." She joked, aware that she probably sounded a little too reedy. "I can guarantee you'll regret it."

  Danse's eyes crinkled good-naturedly at the edges when he smiled down at her. "I don't doubt it," He allowed, repeating, "but fair is fair, Knight."

  "I don't like the radstorms at all." Vega blurted out, a blush staining her face. "The thunder, it's wrong and I hate it."

  "Understandable, Knight. The noise is highly unsettling." Danse had her gather her sleeping bag back up, the paladin using a spare piece of plywood that he found by the door like a makeshift plow to shove the debris off to the side. "There," He said finally after he was satisfied with the state of the floor, " now you can lay down. Without worrying about tetanus or a herniated disc." He teased.

  "The Brotherhood will not forget your sacrifice." Backhand ribbed in reply, smoothing the wrinkles out of her bedroll.  

  "And this is how I'm promoted to star paladin." Danse said dryly. "For my dedication to the art of proper slumber in the field." He shook his head ruefully, unrolling his own sleeping bag and spreading it lengthwise at the base of his armor. He was blocking the door, Backhand realized after a second. Like the immobile armor wasn't enough!

  "Hey, come over here." She requested boldly, patting the cement beside her. 

  Vega didn't expect him to obey, the larger man dragging his bedroll parallel with hers after a moment of thought. "I suppose the floor is more level here." He reasoned. "Good eye, Knight."

  "Oh yeah, it's not because you're probably warm or anything. I was definitely looking out for you."

  Danse's chuckle was soft. "Understood. I am a commodity." He lowered himself onto his sleeping bag, waiting patiently as she dug through her satchel. 

  "So for dinner, we have a wonderful assortment of Cram. After that, I'll brew us some tea." Backhand said finally, digging two cans out of the pack. " God I wish I'd had the stuff to bake bread, would have made us some back at Oberland." 

  Danse shook his head. "It spoils so fast out on the road. Though during the harsher months there is nothing quite like a fresh slice of hot bread with a little grease alongside the meat stew from the mess hall." He sounded wistful, despite the fact that Backhand knew he was talking about military food and therefore it probably wasn't anything to write home about.

  "Remind me to bake you some bread." Backhand tossed him a can of Cram, and then opened her own with less-than-steady hands. She did her best to ignore the storm that was raging closer and closer, steeling her spine from flinching at every rumble of thunder.

  Danse all but devoured the canned substance, the large man obviously starving from his day of labor and walking across the Commonwealth. He drowsily watched Backhand set up the small coffee pot she lugged with her, the lantern now doubling as a brazier of sorts. Backhand pried open her tea tin after a momentary struggle, grabbing one of the bags inside and dropping it into the pot of dubiously-clean water without much ceremony.

  The tea was a hubflower blend, lacking in caffeine and bearing a sweet, calming scent. Backhand often employed this beverage when she had difficulty sleeping, finding that the entire tea-brewing process tended to calm her racing mind.

  Danse dug out the cup from his mess kit for her to pour into, the thin metal thoroughly scoured clean and dented from use in the field. "Be careful, it's really hot." Backhand warned, gingerly scooting the cup across the floor to the large man.

  He nodded absently, cradling the cup close. He looked pensive, as though he wanted to ask something but couldn't quite think of how to phrase it. "Knight... how do you know of the way to get into the Institute?" Danse's tone was wearily quizzical. "That information is...it's unprecedented , but I assume you must know that already."

  Backhand exhaled, staring up at the ceiling as she tried to gather her thoughts. It was a relatively straightforward story, all things considered, though some portions would sound insane . So she started talking.

  She told Danse about going to Diamond City and employing the assistance of a well-known detective. Finding out that Kellogg had been there, with a ten year old child. The grueling endeavor of tracking him across the Commonwealth, culminating in a ferocious gunfight against the mercenary and his group of synths. The grisly discovery of the devices implanted in his body, and the slow unraveling of the truth from the escaped Institute scientist in the Glowing Sea. Teleportation .

  Backhand conveniently left out the fact that Detective Nick Valentine was a synth, and that Virgil the Institute scientist was once a man, who had in turn become a super mutant by force of necessity. 

  She sipped her tea, realizing that her throat was parched from talking. The look that Danse was giving her was one of extreme incredulity and she grimaced into her cup.

  "Christ, Vega." He said hoarsely. "What happens now?"

  "Well, if I have any luck left , I figure out how to convince someone to help me build a giant machine that I don't really understand." Backhand shrugged glibly. "Sturges has been working on a few things, but I think this project might be beyond his scope of expertise." 

  "Maybe Proctor Ingram should take a look at the plans you have? If there's anyone I know that can make sense of a mess, it's Ingram." Danse suggested tentatively. "Her and Haylen are...just outstanding ." The warmth in his tone whenever he spoke of Haylen never failed to make Backhand smile, but this was the first time he seemed to notice her doing it. "What? Did I say something funny?"

  "Not at all! You just talk about Haylen like she hung the stars." Backhand pushed down the brief flare of envy she felt. "It's sweet."

  " Sweet? " Danse sputtered, a flush rising on his cheeks. "I am not...she isn't--Knight, you misinterpret my admiration. She is a phenomenal soldier, an immensely talented field scribe. I sponsored her as an initiate. She and Rhys are...they're the only ones left of Gladius. I'm thrilled that they've decided to pursue a relationship." Danse's eyes were soft and haunted in the dim light of the guttering lantern, but his words were sincere when he said, "They deserve to be happy."

  "What about you, though?" Backhand asked gently before she could stop herself. Danse tilted his head, appearing confused. "Don't you deserve to be happy too?"

  His smile was sad. "I am a paladin of the Brotherhood of Steel, Knight Vega. I am sworn to uphold the tenets and be an example to the troops. My own happiness was doomed to irrelevancy the moment I accepted the promotion." He folded his hands in front of him, leaning forward a little and staring at the floor. "Truthfully, it was rendered obsolete long before then."

  …

  "Why?" Vega sounded curious and Danse cursed himself for even bringing up the topic.

  He could lie, or simply brush off her question. But that didn't sit right with him. Danse sighed heavily and began to speak.

  He talked about growing up alone in the Capital Wasteland, no parents or siblings that he could recall. Always alone, picking through the ruins for anything edible or salvage that he could trade. He talked about opening his own little stand in Rivet City once he was grown, and he was ashamed of how his voice broke when he mentioned Cutler. Joining the Brotherhood had been a no-brainer, like it was the only course of action possible. Everything had gone so well. He had felt like he was actually making a difference. Until the day Cutler disappeared on a scouting mission. Danse vaguely remembered arguing with Paladin Krieg, his sponsor attempting to shout down the then-knight. But Danse was fiercely stubborn.

  He tried to tell her what he had found when he had finally tracked the remains of Cutler's squadron down, tried to continue his explanation as to why his personal happiness held little to no ground in his life, but the lump in his throat left him incapable of speech. 

  Backhand's touch on his arm startled him and he jerked, looking up at her. Her eyes were sorrowful. "Hey, you don't have to say any more." She offered him a weak-looking smile. "I get it. I lost my C.O. during an assault on an enemy bunker. You feel like it's your fault and you stay up all night trying to figure out what you could have done to save them."

  "I know it's futile to think of such things. " Danse rasped.

  "And yet you do it anyway." Backhand rubbed his arm. "Empathy is some rotten stuff, Paladin Danse, but we need to be reminded that we're human sometimes." Her sigh followed the tail end of a rolling boom of thunder. "I was incapacitated by the same explosion that killed Sergeant Cathan. He bled out next to me. I was shipped home with him technically, although I wasn't in a pine box. I went to his funeral, got to listen to his widow try to keep her shit together when I knew all she wanted to do was bury every single uniformed asshole there that had sent her husband to die." Backhand scoffed. "I knew because I felt the same way."

  "I was furious with Arthur for sending Cutler's squadron out to that corner of the wastes." Danse admitted. "It was shortly after I had discovered what happened to Cutler that Ar-" He stopped short, horrified that he had nearly let the information slip.

  " Come on Danse! " Arthur had complained, rolling his eyes . " I know you did this stuff for Cutler. "

  Danse cleared his throat. "It doesn't matter." He breathed. He had always been a terrible liar and he knew Vega didn't buy it for a second . 

  Those pale blue eyes narrowed and she scooted even closer, her sleeping bag pooled around her knees as she studied his face. Danse just tried to avoid eye contact. "What did he do, Danse?" She asked softly.

  " Nothing ." Danse stressed the word, his tone sharp. "I said it didn't matter, and it doesn't."

  "Hey." Backhand murmured, "I'm on your side, okay? Don't lie to me. Whatever it is, it's eating you alive."

  Danse's breath hitched. How could she tell? How could she pierce through the stoic facade he had painstakingly crafted over the course of his military career? 

  The answer came to him suddenly and he felt a little foolish for not having seen it sooner. 

  She wanted to. 

  Ludicrously simple, almost child's play. It was because she dared to bother . In a world that was more than content to let appearances be, she did the unthinkable and probed past the first glance.

  She was like Cutler. Perhaps a bit too much like Cutler. Curious to a fault, whip-smart and witty. Danse's heart ached in his chest. The idea of opening himself up again like he had with Cutler was... terrifying , mind-numbing, it was like standing on the deck of the Prydwen knowing that one misstep could send him plummeting to his demise. He had barely survived the depression that had engulfed him after he was forced to end Cutler's life, knowing that it was what the other man would have done in his stead but also hating himself for being able to carry it out at all. What did that say about him as a person, that he could stare into the eyes of the only individual he had been truly intimate with and kill him without a word?

  Danse was a model soldier. He was relatively certain that he would be following orders until the day he died. No one had ordered him to go after Cutler. He could have left it alone, simply gone along with the " missing, presumed dead " verdict. But those damn emotions he struggled with so much had reared their ugly head, made him volatile to the point where he had gotten into a screaming match with Paladin Krieg . 

  The person he had really wanted to shout at had been Maxson, both for assigning Cutler such a far-flung post and for doing it without warning. Danse hadn't even been able to say goodbye , damn it.

  And then the hive, the empty suits of power armor covered in blood and gore and fragmentary human remains and Cutler , babbling nonsense in a voice that grated and shrieked. He hadn't recognized Danse when the other knight foolishly removed his helmet. Instead, Cutler had lunged at him, trying to tear him apart with his newfound mutant strength--

  "Danse?" 

  The paladin jolted at the sound of her voice. "It doesn't matter, Knight." He repeated dully. "We should get some sleep." Without waiting for a reply, he shifted down a bit in his bedroll and tugged the fabric up over his shoulders. 

  Backhand stayed up for a bit longer, probably finishing her tea. The rain continued to beat on the roof, the occasional flash of green lightning blazing through every crack and crevice in the dilapidated lean-to. 

  The Capital Wasteland hadn't gotten storms like these. Danse had to assume that they must blow in from the Glowing Sea to batter the surrounding landscape. 

  He heard her shuffling around, and her whisper of " good night, Danse ." He didn't reply, hoping she would believe he was asleep. 

  Vega sighed softly and Danse barely kept himself from jumping when he felt her back press against his own. He wasn't sure if the defensive sleeping position was really necessary what with his armor in front of the door and all, but he appreciated the strategic forethought. 

  It felt like he had only closed his eyes for a second, the rain pounding on the roof lulling him into a doze and then he was being blinded by a particularly vibrant beam of sunlight. Danse grunted, half-lidding his eyes to try and adjust to the light.

  He idly watched over the top of Vega's head as motes of dust wafted lazily through the beam, the paladin feeling weirdly peaceful and unhurried. As if he could take the time to simply observe the world. He noted that he had rolled over in his sleep, and so had Elizabeth. Backhand. Knight Vega . 

  His thighs were pressed against the jut of her knees, her elbows tucked into his stomach through the layers of their bedrolls. Backhand apparently slept with her hands folded beneath her chin, but her left arm was threaded up beneath the hem of her shirt to do so. It pulled the fabric to bunch just above the bottom of her breasts and only through extreme self control did Danse manage to exhale slowly through his gritted teeth, knowing that his face must be bright red. 

  He flicked his gaze back up to the sunbeam, feeling like a lech. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He could pretend like he was still asleep, but that may come at the cost of their progress. He'd rather not sleep rough yet again, although if it was beside Vega--

  No , Danse reprimanded himself sharply. Maxson had given him hell for his lack of self control the last time he had seen him. The last thing he wanted was to give Arthur the satisfaction of…

  Of what? Having something else in Danse's life that he could ruin or take away? 

  Danse reached out slowly, cautiously, taking hold of the fabric of Vega's sleeping bag and drawing it up and over her shoulder to preserve her modesty. Then, the paladin eased his body away from hers to rise, his back protesting a little when he stretched. 

  The sooner we get back to the Prydwen, the sooner I can get my armor serviced , he mused, still opting to let Backhand sleep a bit longer as he checked over their weapons and his gear.

Part Eight

[scarmander]

Women, power and anger

An analysis of Game of Throne’s misogyny regarding Daenerys Targaryen in the last two seasons.

This is a very long rant. It’s over 4000 words. I needed to get this off my chest because it helps with my grieving process. 

A quick summary: I try to figure out when the show decided they wanted to go with the ‘Mad Queen’ bullshit theory. I try to undertand why they’ve done her so dirty lately. Spoiler alert. It’s not pretty.

So, if you want to know 

Game of Thrones has been known for its brutality, its shocking twists and deaths and ruthless scriptwriting. It is also known for having ‘strong’ female characters amidst broken journeys and fallen heroes. In a sea of raped, enslaved, prostituted and belittled women our female protagonists were born. From those patriarchaly imposed positions of subordination Daenerys Stormborn, Yara Greyjoy, Missandei of Naath, Brienne of Tarth, Sansa Stark and Arya Stark were hatched from the fossilized shells of the broken bodies and souls the male characters had made of them. They rose from their own ashes, time and time again, made themselves stronger with every blow men would throw their way. We watched them grow, evolve, fear, feel, fail and win for years, watched them become more than what their society wanted them to be, more than what they were allowed to be. They became rule-breakers, game changers, rulers and warriors. But that was until the show had decided that the end was coming and everything ought to be put back into order. The patriarchal one, that is.

It is my belief that everything changed the moment when Daenerys Targaryen, undoubtedly the most empowered and powerful woman on this show, decided to sail for Westeros with her fleet, three female allies (Yara Greyjoy, Ellaria Sand, Olenna Tyrell), the three dragons she had given birth to and the ‘largest army the world had ever seen’. Imagine the audacity of a woman accomplishing all of that. So, it is on this character that I will put my focus on, I’m also super fucking biased, but whatever, I would gladly do an entire essay on how they’re ruining every female character in this show. Anyway, back to Dany T. main female protagonist, the woman with the most amount of screen time (behind the two male protagonists Jon and Tyrion).

Let’s talk about the audience’s opinion of Daenerys. Truth be told, Daenerys’ influence and might as a character has already greatly surpassed the show’s realm, and that for a very long time. Even in the first seasons where she didn’t actually get that much screen time, she made a mark. And she has grown increasingly more so over the years. She has become an icon of pop culture to the point where people who are unfamiliar with the show recognize her. Now, this might have in part been facilitated by her peculiar looks and strange-sounding name, but Daenerys Targaryen is known worldwide for having power. She is primarily known for one thing: she has dragons. She’s the Dragon Queen, the Mother of Dragons. And those dragons are the physical representation of her inner strength. The only reason she has those dragons is because she walked into her husband’s funeral pyre and hatched them from stone like she hatched herself out of the stony shell of a weary, fearful teenage girl the world had forced her into being. And out of that pyre came out dragons and a woman with so much might the world watched in awe. Some people may call her Khaleesi, an unusual title which has stuck into people’s minds to the point where non-watchers recognize the title as her name. She is the most recognizable character in the show to the point where her hair colour has been a trend that has become every hair stylist’s worst nightmare, where people have named their children and pets after her and her title. She is also noticeably the show’s best marketing strategy, she is the one with the most personally dedicated amount of merchandising, and is relentlessly used by HBO’s marketing team to promote the show. But I digress. Sort of. The amount of power her character has both on and off-screen is indisputable and is probably what led us to the gigantic mess that has been season 8. She has too much power. Even away from the show’s narrative. She has had an impact on women. She has marked us, branded us with her might. And the show does not know how to handle this.

So, Daenerys, one of the most iconic female characters of this generation goes to Westeros. Unluckily for her, her arrival into Westeros also coincided into her arriving into the male protagonist’s territory. And that was the show’s last straw in deciding to let women have that much power. This is her fatal flaw, existing in the same realm as the male protagonist. The writers realized right then and there that they had greatly miscalculated. Because of how much power they had let Daenerys accumulate over the years she had spent far far away from the male protagonist’s character arc, she had become a threat to the sacred male character’s hero journey.  See, that’s the issue with having a strong female character that you let grow into her own power for 7 seasons, where she is free to go into conflict with men after men after men who all share the same unlucky traits: they are all both non-white and not the main male protagonist. So, Daenerys brings them all to their doom, they try to tackle her, try to diminish her, take her power away. They try, all of them, so many times. And they all inevitably fail. Because she is powerful. And men and women alike bow to her when they realize her might and her power. She is a goddess incarnate, dragons or not. She is so powerful fire dares not harm her. She is unique, mystical, mythical and strong. And not only is she powerful and strong, she is beloved by her people, her own soldiers follow her not out of fear but out of complete devotion, because she frees them, gives them the freedom she had wished someone would give her and finally realized she had to give to herself. She is a woman. She is their mother. She has power. She frees people, loves them, inspires them and has so much power the world shakes beneath her feet and fire fears her wrath.

And then comes season 7, along with Jon Snow, D&D, and Tyrion’s shitty battle plans. Whatever, it’s all one and the same. It’s all there to take her out piece by piece. That’s it, that’s been the show for two seasons now and I wish I had realized it earlier. I mean, I had my moments of realization here and there, but damn was I severely unprepared.

In Season 7 episode 2, Daenerys has a council made up of 4 women (Olenna, Ellaria, Yara, Missandei) and 3 men (Varys, Tyrion, Theon – and I’m only including Theon out of pity). By episode 3, Daenerys has 1 woman – Missandei, who unlike the other women does not advise her on military tactics – left in her council, and just as many men. Hell, by episode 5, she has gained three more men who ‘advise’, or more accurately question her every move. Jorah (I mean not you bby, come back to us), Jon and Davos, who is more of a comic relief personal pep-talker than anything else. But Varys and Tyrion’s advice grows like ivy and tries to strangle Daenerys from every angle. They try to control her more and more with every episode.

How the hell did I not notice right there and then where this was going? I don’t know, call me blinded by love.

How the hell did Daenerys end up with so few women left in her council? Men happened. The writers, the characters, all of them. That is literally the first thing they did to her storyline in season 7. It went something like this:

1) Get Daenerys to Dragonstone.

2) Get Ellaria and Yara out and destroy some of those ships, she has too many ships, that’s bad, can’t have her be too powerful.

3) Get Olenna out, but like, not at the exact same time because that would be too conspicuous, let’s wait another episode or two. Oh, and take out some of those Unsullied soldiers and even more of her fleet.

4) After one fucking badass battle let’s kill two random traitor assholes who have sided with the queen who murdered their former queen and daughter of their liege lord, their liege lord, their liege lord’s son and a good chunk of King’s Landing’s population on the field of battle who have refused her generous offer to get their titles and lands back if they just join her against the murderous queen. And also that one offer of going to the wall to protect the realm. They refuse. She kills them. Tough luck, bitch. Bad choice, should have probably offered them a cup of tea and a warm blanket instead as they went back to King’s Landing to fight you and kill your army at their nearest convenience. You fucked up because idk, Dickon was kinda hot I guess. Yeah and also they have names and one relative people know on the show, so that’s bad for you. Randyll and Dickon Tarly. You don’t know it yet, but this one is gonna be bad for you because you are now evil and your hand and his shitty bff are now saying you are mad. Maybe you should have been, maybe you should have killed them both too. If only. Sigh.

5) Have her lose a dragon. Give it to the Night King instead, she is too powerful.

6) Have her fall in love with the man who would bring her doom. Have her save his life. Have her think that maybe she deserves something good as she grieves her child’s death. They decide he’s the one who is going to kill her. Because having her become mad isn’t bad enough. She has to be killed by the one man she has let herself love not out of obligation but out of mutual admiration.

7) Make her promise to help defeat the Night King and go North to fight him.

Now, they take all that away from her. But they give her a love story with Jon Snow in return. And you think, alright, at least she’s not alone in this world.

And then we move on to season 8. The ultimate acceleration of events because they realized that they needed to wrap this shit up and that people didn’t hate her enough. So, Season 8 is where you learn that the plot twist to end them all was that Jon Snow was going to be the one who destroyed everything Daenerys has and is and will be the death of her. Groundbreaking work there. I wonder if GRRM has the same ending planned. So here’s the plan in Season 8:

1) Get Daenerys to WinterHell. Everyone is behaving like assholes. Bran is a cold little bitch who’s like “remember your dragon? Your dead dragon? He’s back and now he wants us all dead yayyy” and she has like zero seconds to process it because ‘we don’t have time for all this’. But you know what we have time for? Sansa hating her. The xenophobic MAGAs hating her. That’s valuable screentime. Sansa hates her for daring to bring her SoLdIeRs to her HoUsE and her DrAgOnS who she can’t believe are there to fight. Sansa brings up food issues when she knows the wall has been breached and the Night King is bound to arrive very shortly. She knows Daenerys isn’t going to stay here very long. Doesn’t matter. She (the writers) wants to be angry and petty and so she is. Because we couldn’t possibly have women collaborating on this show. Not after last season! Notice how they left out every single woman in Dany’s circle? Cause who would want THAT. Am I right MEN? I hope the meninists are having a good time.

2) Jon doesn’t comfort her much, doesn’t defend her much. He’s there. Like, he’s a physical man who barely says anything and is there. His purpose is to be… There, I guess. Good for him. He has everyone’s support anyway. He’s a man and he’s there. That’s all they ask of him. He’s not formally the King but he is the King anyway. He has the power. He makes the decisions. He’s a man.

3) Daenerys gives Jon access to her dragon. The one she gave metaphorical birth to. The one she walked into a pyre for. He has it. He has access to her power.

4) Jon now knows who he is. The man who tells him is that one relative of the family that Daenerys killed last season. He hates her. He tells Jon to take her throne, that it’s his anyway because he’s a man. He says that Daenerys is evil and should bend the knee to him. Jon then ignores Daenerys for at least an entire day while she has to face the man who killed her father, made her a homeless orphan on the run who lived on the streets, in fear, running away from assassins. She is angry but listens to a woman’s tale about him, asks for Jon’s opinion on the matter. She lets him have the decision.

5) The Night King comes. Daenerys’ armies are first in line and defend WinterHell with everything they have. Daenerys herself is first in line. Jon Snow wants to wait around. Daenerys has a sudden jolt of independence run through her spine, claims back her own authority and climbs on her dragon, burns as many wights as she can. Jon Snow follows her mechanically, like a lost puppy, gets attacked by the Night King and Viserion. This injures Rhaegal. Daenerys knocks evil Mr. Freeze down from HER precious bby boy and tries to burn him. It doesn’t work. She saves Jon’s life a second time in the process. And then a third, risking her and her dragon’s life for him. She ends up on the ground, with her oldest friend with a sword made of dragonglass and fights for her life. Her oldest friend dies in her arms.

6) And so it goes down from here.

This is the moment you’d think SOMEONE somewhere would show the tiniest fucking bit of sympathy, of gratitude. And they don’t.

What we got instead in Episode 4 was Daenerys being alone as Jon was being praised for her accomplishments. Jon falls upward as Daenerys faces consequences for her actions, good or bad, it doesn’t matter. Daenerys faces consequences because the show wants her to. She is alone. She begs Jon not to tell anyone about his ‘rightful claim’. He betrays her and tells his family. She has warned him Sansa can’t be trusted. Turns out Sansa can’t be trusted. And on it goes as Sansa, Tyrion and Varys plot behind her back to make sure that Jon falls upward for the uptenth time, Varys even going as far as to suggest killing her. His reason is that she is a woman and he can’t control her. That is Daenerys’ biggest crime on this show. And it won’t let her live it down. Hell, they’ll kill her for it. There is talk of a wedding between Jon and Daenerys. Somehow this is a bad idea because she is too strong and cannot be controlled.

She is too strong. Too much. Too powerful. That is Daenerys’ problem. She is too much and too much of a she. She is a dragon they cannot tame.

7) And just because she hasn’t had enough already they kill another one of her dragons for shock value, out of nowhere, with no purpose whatsoever but to show that they could. That she would be ‘mad’. That this somehow was the point of her character. It feels gross and unjustified.

8) And then, because why the fuck not at this point, fam, they go and execute Missandei. It has no purpose other than to show us that they put a former slave back into chains to kill her, to make Daenerys and Greyworm angry. That is what her life is worth. Her value will be the sum of two other character’s madness level.

And the countdown accelerates.

Let’s go back to when everything changed for Daenerys Targaryen. Let’s go back to Season 7, Episode 3. The moment where Daenerys Targaryen met with Jon Snow, hero extraordinaire, broody, rugged, manly and characteristically lacking of ambition. Jon Snow is a Bildungsroman’s wetdream of a protagonist. A poor little bastard boy hated and mistreated by his (semi-evil) stepmother who somehow rises to great heights despite everything adversity has thrown his way and who somehow ends up being the Chosen One to lead them all out of the darkness and to fight evil. Like Harry Potter, Frodo Baggins, King Arthur and countless other Christ-like figures before him, Jon Snow is good. That’s it, that’s all there is. That’s all you need to know about him, that’s all the story wants you to know about him. He is good. Sure he makes mistakes, but he’s good. He’s killed a child but he had his reasons, he killed a man begging for his life, but he had disobeyed him. He is good. And to top it all off, the lucky bastard just might happen to be a man. He is therefore the Chosen One. He is thus because he is He.

In Season 7, Episode 2 when Melisandre introduced to the audience the show’s own version of an Arthurian prophecy – Azor Ahai or: ‘the prince that was promised will bring the dawn’ – the show had its last inkling of an ability to pretend that they could somehow have a woman be a hero. Daenerys’ only female adviser and personal translator Missandei of Naath (a former slave they had captured and chained last episode just to kill her, in case you’d ever think the only woman of color in this show could die as a free woman) pointed out that that the High Valyrian word for ‘prince’ is genderless and that it could mean that Daenerys might also fit that prophecy. They also introduced the idea that BOTH Daenerys and Jon would play a role in this. I was fine with this. I thought all of their parallels from previous seasons meant that their fates were linked and that they would be two sides of the same coin.

If only the show had stopped right there. If only they hadn’t even tried to bring that up when they didn’t need to, when they didn’t even need to pretend to care. I’m wondering what the purpose of this line was. What was the meaning? A red herring? A last sliver of hope? Their last attempt at trying to pretend women mattered as more than canon fodder to further narratives, as more than bodies to be used and killed for entertainment’s purposes? It doesn’t matter. The very next episode sent off the ticking time bomb on Daenerys’ life.

In Season 7 Episode 3, Daenerys Targaryen met Jon Snow. The writers called it “A meeting of Ice and Fire” continuing on their claim that this is what the entire show had been leading up to, that even in Season 1, GRRM had told them that this was important, that the story was about these two characters coming together. I was pumped. I was rejoicing. The whole meaning of the show was right in front of me. And here’s how it happened: they made Daenerys look smug and entitled, having Jon Snow look humble and measured in comparison and when I watched it, I was taken aback, I didn’t understand what they were doing. I remember thinking that the way they were framing it looked weird because she was just as much of a protagonist as he was. I had been stupid enough to think the show could have a female protagonist when they already had a male protagonist.

The show wanted you to side with Jon Snow. The show wanted to make it clear that if you had to choose between Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow, you would choose Jon Snow. Humble, measured, naïve, male Jon Snow.

The ‘General Audience’ caught onto that. The moment Daenerys’ set her eyes on Jon Snow, she had lost. You should go and have a look on the comments of the Youtube videos of their first meeting. On that day, Daenerys was the villain. She lost that day, because she was in the man’s way. Because she spoke to him and didn’t bow. Because she stood there, fire and might, and didn’t let him take everything from her right on the spot. He was asking her to lay her entire life’s goals aside to help him with nothing in return. She was painted as arrogant for not bending to him and his will on the spot.

If only things had stayed that way. If only she’d stayed ‘arrogant’ and hadn’t let him close. Would she still become ‘mad’? Would she still lose it all anyway to make sure he would get it all in the end? Probably. Because why not? Why would the show give the most powerful woman any other outcome?

I guess the moral of this story is that women are only allowed to have power as long as it doesn’t interfere with a man’s ability to have more power than they do. And isn’t that what Varys has been telling us in the latest episode? That Daenerys and Jon would never be able to rule together because she was too strong for him and would bend him to her will? Because what could be worse than a strong woman having power? A strong woman potentially having power over a man. And so the ticking clock went off on Daenerys’ life. Her time has run out, because the show needs to have the male hero to win over everything, and if he can’t because a woman is in the way of the inherent inevitable male-centric greatness he will stumble and fall into reaching... Well then, it’s the woman’s fault and she angry and mad. So Daenerys will be mad and angry and hysterical and evil and he will kill her. Take that, woman she show tells you. Take that and die. We don’t need you when we have a male protagonist.

In a way, this show will end quite like the fairy tales warned us it would. The white knight, the Chosen One, the Prince that was promised, in his shining armour of goodness will swoop in and kill the evil dragon(Queen) to save the realm. And if this is a fairy tale then the dragon had it coming for daring to stand in the hero’s way. Perhaps the dragon ought to have apologized and stepped aside, perhaps the dragon ought to have known its place. Perhaps the fairy tale’s magic kingdom should have stopped the dragon’s rise before. And they did try. All of those men are knights, even the worst slavers of them all. Knights because they fought the dragon. They died trying to take her down. Perhaps they were right, then to try and defeat her. Perhaps it is sad, after all that the dragon took those poor men down. But it’s alright, the male protagonist will win. Because that’s what he does.

But if this is winning then why does it feel like rage and fire?

Because somehow the dragon is every woman. “You are a dragon” is what this show is telling me, as if that was a bad thing. “You are a dragon. You are too much. You ask too much. We will not bow to you, begone, be slain, you are in the man’s way. You are a hiccup in his rise to greatness. You will be killed prophetically and be swept aside and the hero, the man – the words somehow become synonymous – will inevitably win. And down you will go, defeated and broken. You and your might. You and your will. You and your power. Bow to us, woman, to our will, wishes, words and actions. Bow to us.”

The show wants me and you to know that. The show wants you to see what happens to women who stand in the way of men’s ascension to power, who are too powerful, who are too much for the story to handle. You are a dragon and you will die.

But dragons are fire made flesh risen from the ashes and dragons do not go down without a fight.

In a show that wants women to gaze adoringly at the male protagonists, women like Daenerys Targaryen have no place. They have no place because the show cannot fathom how someone could take her seriously, could value her efforts and her strengths when men are… There. That’s all they need to be.

And from that same patriarchal cesspool of a show/fictional society was also born Cersei Lannister, evil queen incarnate. She was the protagonists’ – male and female –  foil, their enemy, and she still is somehow, but she is also apparently doomed to be the female protagonist’s future. Cersei is evil because she has power. Cersei is bad because she is a madwoman. Cersei is all of your fairy tale’s evil spinsters. Cersei is in the way of a man’s greatness. And Cersei is Daenerys’ future as much as she is Sansa’s, or mine or yours. Bow down, women. Or be villains.

And so, in Season 8 Episode 4, as they tried to tear down at the last piece’s of the main female protagonist’s might they ignited the enraged fire that women try to swallow back down with every breath, for fear of being slain for having shown too much power and might. And the audience has never loved Daenerys more than it does now. The audience has done the unexpected. People who hated her now want her to burn the world down. People who already loved her have never wanted her to use her might as much as they do now.

“Dracarys” was Missandei’s last word. The show didn’t seem to realize it was a call to arms. “Women everywhere, join her and burn it down” seems to be the meaning the audience got from Missandei. I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment.

The show wants me to think that ‘Dracarys’ was meant to take down the Cerseis of the world. It didn’t realize it made me want to take it down.

Maybe the show is right, maybe I, too, am a dragon ready to be slain. But if that’s the case I’m not going down without burning everything to the ground. Try and take me down, assholes.

[crowsent]

Whumptober 2019 Delirium

Yusuke Kitagawa, Persona 5, Delirium

CW: Madarame’s shitty parenting, starvation, hallucination, child abuse (minor)

=

Akira took one look at him and shook his head. “Stay behind, Fox.” The others nodded absentmindedly, agreeing with Joker’s decision. “You look a bit pale. We’re just going to handle a few requests today, so we won’t even be delving that deep into Mementos.” Yusuke could see the traces of a smile on Joker’s lips, meant to assure him that Yusuke wasn’t being a hindrance by not fighting, that it was perfectly alright for him to stay in the backlines. “Rest up. Don’t push yourself too hard.”

Haru, ever considerate, said, “We should go out to eat after this!” It was met with a chorus of agreements. Ryuji, in particular, hollered in delight, which prompted Morgana to swat him with a paw. “I’m sure we’re all going to be tired after fighting and there’s a place I’ve wanted to go to for so long. It would be much better if we could all go together, right?”

“Right!” Morgana cheered. “Now, onto the mission!”

Yusuke wanted to argue. Proclaim that he was so close to finishing his recreation of “Desire” and turning it into a piece worthy of something. A piece that depicted the inner workings of the heart, a theme that had eluded him for so long. Mementos, a place teeming with the unfettered desires of human souls, would be the perfect reference point from which Yusuke could begin his research into furthering himself as an artist. The designs and aesthetics of each individual level were so vastly removed from each other that Yusuke could analyse them for years and still never fully grasp it in its entirety.

The shadows as well, were of interesting shapes and colours. Why, the giant elephants that could very quickly tire out their group were quite fascinating to look at. Yusuke could stare at them for hours and to have a hands-on experience in a fight would prove beneficial to sparking his creativity. After all, battle sharpened his senses, honed his skills, and allowed him to pinpoint even the smallest minute detail he would otherwise never notice.

He should be on the frontlines, fighting. He’s quite capable of it. Though Akira was right that Yusuke was paler than usual, frailer than usual, he was certain that he would not be a burden. Admittedly, his aim might be impaired by the fact that his vision was swimming, but if he widened his range, then surely he would be able to hit something. Or at the very least, push the shadows towards someone whose vision wasn’t filled with black dots.

But ultimately, it was not his decision to make. And before he could even conjure up a convincing argument, Akira had decided on a party, and Morgana had already shifted. Whatever words he might have thought to say died on the tip of his tongue and Yusuke followed the others onto the bus, accepting the lack of stimulation for today’s trip into Mementos.

It was a shame. While working on the sequel to his Desire, Yusuke had several, smaller pieces he needed to finish. His art teacher hadn’t caught on to his slump as of yet, but it would be a matter of time before Yusuke’s incompetence was revealed. He needed to do something to prevent that. There were several half-painted canvases he had at the Kosei dorms, but lately, whenever he picked up a brush, his artistry simply fled.

What is he to do without inspiration?

Mementos, in a way, was Yusuke’s temporary answer to the drought he was facing. If he could fight, if he could feel death reaching its bony fingers out, attempting to grasp him, trying to drag him from the mortal realm and into the land of the forsaken, then surely, he would discover something new, something breathtaking, something that he absolutely must capture with paint.

Oh well. A lost opportunity is a lost opportunity. Akira -no- Joker, he was Joker here, was flexible and fair. If one of the Thieves wanted to fight, he let them, but should he deem them sick or tired or in Yusuke’s case, severely exhausted, then no amount of negotiation would change his mind. The only way Yusuke was fighting, was if the party was ambushed by a Shadow far too powerful for them to handle and Joker called backup.

Compared to that scenario, Yusuke would much rather go a day without having anything interesting to look at.

He could still try gleaning something from the dark cavernous depths he could see outside Morgana’s window though. It wasn’t quite like experiencing everything directly, but it would have to do. Yusuke pulled out the sketchbook he had tucked in the coat of his thief outfit and a pencil and watched the walls run. Sketching something, anything, when he was starving proved to be a challenge, but one that he was already familiar with. It would be no different than he was at the shack. Although, every jolt of the Mona Bus reminded Yusuke that he hadn’t eaten anything since

Since.

He can’t remember. It couldn’t be less than a week ago, when he turned in a project for his class. A mediocre piece that somehow fooled his instructor into thinking that Yusuke was not in the slump he was in. Technically masterful brushstrokes and a vague, abstract subject can get one far, apparently, despite hunger and fatigue. Yusuke hasn’t eaten.

He was starving. There was food being sold at the Kosei cafeteria, and if Yusuke remembered correctly, he had done some grocery shopping just the other day. Bread and jam, with one or two cans of sardines, but if he wanted, he could easily get some food for himself when he got back.

Not that it mattered. Yusuke could postpone having a meal until after he’s finished at least one of his projects. Worldly attachments prevent you from painting to your fullest potential. You must cast aside your pain and your hunger and focus on nothing but art. Art is the only thing you will excel at and you must devote all of yourself to perfect that craft.

If Yusuke focused on eating, on food, on base desires, then he would never create the masterpieces that he was surely capable of. Art is pain. Art is suffering. Art is beauty that can only be achieved through dedication. Food can wait, even as his stomach felt empty. Great art is worth suffering for and until you create something worth your food, you’re not getting a bite. It’s all for you, Yusuke. Don’t you see? This is how true art is created. It’s all for your sake. I’m doing this for you so be a good boy and paint.

Absently, Yusuke found himself nodding.

“Uh, Fox? You good man?” Ryuji sat with Yusuke near the back of the bus and nudged Yusuke’s arm. “What’cha doin?”

Yusuke turned away from the window to look at Ryuji. The skull mask looked menacing in the yellow light of the Adyeshach levels. “Isn’t it obvious?” Ryuji shook his head, the confused curl of his lips visible. “I’m sketching ideas for my new piece.”

Ryuji’s eyes darted to Yusuke’s sketchbook, then to his face. “Right. Hey Panther?” On Ryuji’s other side, Ann jolted to attention from her nap. Ryuji tapped her arm repeatedly and gestured to Yusuke. “I think I might be going insane so check for me. Does Fox have a sketchbook in his hands?”

“Ugh. You woke me up for this?” Ann slumped back into her seat and punched Ryuji in the shoulder. Yusuke found himself nodding. How can he sketch without a sketchbook?

“Of course Fox doesn’t have anything in his hands. Don’t be stupid.”

Wait.

“I assure you I have been spending my hour productively.” After all, if Yusuke can’t fight, he should at least spend the trip to Mementos sketching out ideas. “The yellow light brings an ambience to Mementos that I would otherwise not find in the real world. I would not be such a fool as to waste this opportunity.”

This got Ann wide awake. She shifted in her seat, leaning over Ryuji to stare Yusuke down with narrowed eyes. “Oracle!” Ann yelled. Futaba, sitting near the front, turned around. “What colour is Mementos?”

Futaba made a non-committal noise. “Kind of purple, kind of red. Why?”

She was wrong, but Yusuke elected not to comment on that.

“Doesn’t he look paler than usual?”

By now, everyone was turning to look at him. Yusuke could see the worry behind their masks. They were worrying too much.

“I’m perfectly fine.” Yusuke assured.

And promptly passed out.

-------------------------------------------------------------

“Is he okay?”

“The Doctor called the school dorms and told them that Yusuke was suffering from stress and mental fatigue but... she said that should be fine.”

“He can stay at Leblanc right? I’ll talk to Sojiro about that.”

“Right. Right. Yeah. Okay. I’ll get some blankets on the bed for him. I can sleep on the couch.”

“Dude. I can’t believe that he just collapsed. Makoto almost crashed the car.”

“I panicked! I didn’t think that Yusuke would just faint like that.”

“Still, I can’t help but wonder. Why did he pass out like that? Um. I’m still quite new here so I don’t know if I’m overstepping, but he doesn’t seem very healthy to me.”

“He’s always so pale…”

“Hey, Guinea Pig.”

“Takemi. How is he?”

“Fine. It’s nothing life threatening.”

There were disembodied voices around him, floating in the air. Yusuke blinked his eyes open to find drab white walls and the stench of sterilisation pungent in the air. It smelled like a hospital. Or a clinic. He hasn’t been to one recently. Why was he here? Or was the room redecorated without his knowing?

“What happened to him, Doctor?”

A woman stood at the foot of his bed. It wasn’t one of sensei’s pupils, but she was fairly young. Perhaps a visitor? No. Sensei did not allow visitors to stay at the shack. She had unusually blonde hair. Yusuke would love to paint it. He might just make that the next piece he submitted. She stood next to a woman in a white lab coat; a doctor.

“Exhaustion and fatigue plus an inordinate amount of stress caused him to collapse. Not to mention delirium and auditory and visual hallucinations that stem from malnutrition and sleep deprivation.”

“Oh no.”

“But when I messaged Inari just the other day he told me he had some food at the dorms! Did he not eat them?”

“Possibly.”

Yusuke can’t eat just yet. He had to create a new piece, before the deadline, before Sensei gets angry at his lack of productivity. He can’t just lay around doing nothing. Yusuke shifted and everyone in the room turned their eyes on him. What an odd group.

A young man with jet black hair sat beside Yusuke and gently pushed him back onto the bed. “Yusuke. Sleep. Just. Just sleep. I should have realised sooner, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise,” Yusuke slurred. The black-haired man wore glasses. Yusuke would like to paint him too. “I can’t eat until I finish something. Sensei said so.”

“Sensei?” The black-haired man had lovely black eyes that matched his hair. His brows were creased in worry. “Yusuke. He’s not here. You’re safe. He can’t make you do anything anymore.”

“What do you mean?” Sensei stood by the door, scowling. He looked like a shogun, with a shiny gold robe and gaudy make up. Yusuke tried to point. The black-haired man held his arm down. There was an IV drip in the crook of Yusuke’s elbow. “He’s right behind you.”

The doctor sighed. “It will be a while before he’s back to normal. I suggest that you all get some rest.”

“I’ll stay with him,” said the black-haired man.

Sensei would get angry if there were visitors in the shack. Yusuke should have them all leave, for their sakes. But. A part of him didn’t want to be left alone. His eyes were heavy and he slid them shut. The black-haired young man looked worried.

Yusuke was starving.

He needed to finish another painting soon.

[orionsangel86]

14x02 - Episode Review - Without the Bells and Whistles

Bucklemming colour me impressed. This episode was a rich character driven story that left me full and satisfied and that is something I NEVER say about Bucklemming. I am amazed at how character focused these first two episodes are and truly hope that Dabb keeps up the momentum among writers. It is a change of pace with the show, and a change of focus, but it is WORKING so far.

As always with BL episodes there were some pacing issues and clunky dialogue in parts, but damn Dick Speight Jr is doing a fabulous job making the show look beautiful. As with 14x01 there is a lot to discuss, though I will try to be brief as I have a desperate need to write a separate post about Cas because my angel had me in tears in this episode and he needs an essay written about him in it.

Without further adieu, a long review is under the cut.

Michael and the Bait

Firstly Jensen did spectacularly in this episode. Such a drastic difference from 14x01 and I’m not sure if that’s because of Dick being a more hands on director or Jensen finally making a choice but he has settled into the role and plays Michael as a sinister psychopath on a mission. Michael has far more personality in this episode. He is more interesting to watch and managed to hold my attention unlike in 14x01. This makes me happy.

So what’s the deal guys? Michael spends this episode focusing on his monster experiments, brags about owning Dean, and then just leaves? Obviously that’s not what happened. The clue is in the key moments:

“Why be the hunted, when you can be the Hunter?”

“Rule no.1 you can’t have a trap without bait. Rule no.2 Once the trap has been sprung, you don’t need the bait anymore.”

Michael’s plan has been set in motion. The scene with the vamp girl being foreshadowing for the bigger picture, the bigger goal. Is Michael going after the hunters? If his plan is to make a world where Monsters are in charge, then the hunters need to be eradicated. It makes sense. It also therefore makes sense that you would set your sights on hunter central – the bunker. So Dean was let free so Michael could keep a watch on the bunker and it’s residents through him. As far as the rules go, if Dean is the bait, then releasing Dean is Michael not needing him anymore directly. The trap itself is the mystery, but I suspect we will find out more about exactly what Michael has done in 14x03, and it will most likely all have to do with this mysterious scar. I don’t think Michael is hiding “in” Dean so much as has an “open connection” to him where he could jump back in at any time without Dean’s consent. But we shall find out soon enough I’m sure.

Mary x Bobby

Obviously I support this ship, but I support it even more seeing as they have now paralleled Mobby to Destiel in two episodes in a row.

“My FBI is a little rusty”

This week, Bobby is our Cas mirror and Mary is our Dean. The fond pat on the back was the only hint we got that this was romantic, but like with 14x01, I ask you to try to find a single viewer who doesn’t see “something there” between this generic heterosexual couple? They are continuing to show their relationship through nothing BUT destiel parallels and it continues to delight me that this is now the shows go-to way to portray romance.

On a slight side note, Bobby being from an apocalypse AU world, he is the classic hunter right now who only sees in black and white, and the way he went for the vamp girl even after she tried to explain how she had never harmed a human. Bobby’s take on things this season will be an interesting one as it’s a continuous theme in this show to explore what makes a monster, something that dates back to John Winchester days (the ultimate black and white hunter). Also his understandable suspicions about angels making the dynamic with Cas a potentially interesting one. I wonder if this Bobby will ever utter the phrase “family don’t end with blood”?

Nick – It’s a chicken and egg situation

*sigh* I’m still not won over, and I probably won’t be. I expected this episode to be Nick heavy, and the flashbacks irked me because I simply don’t care. But I get that they would be necessary for a general audience. My lack of care is my own issue. It doesn’t matter how much Mark P acted his arse off trying to give us a decent performance (his first in years), I’m still not gonna be a fan. I’m still gonna skip those scenes in subsequent re-watches but that’s just me. I just don’t find it interesting even if he is being embedded into the story in a way that is paramount to the plot and the characters own struggles and development. I will acknowledge that importance and move on. I suppose the take away from Nick’s role in this episode when not specifically tied to Castiel (which I will yell about later) is whether or not he murdered his wife and child before he was possessed by Lucifer. The set up in the episode, the scripting and the direction implies that yes, he did. Though that could be a misdirection.

At the beginning of the episode, when he was asking Castiel what would possibly make him say yes to Lucifer to begin with, he had seemingly forgotten all about the brutal murder of his family, until Cas reminded him. Perhaps he had just repressed the trauma to the point that he had removed it from his mind to save himself further torment – but then murderers do that as much as grieving widows. Interestingly of all the things we learn about the murder case, we never actually learn Nick’s whereabouts, only from Castiel saying “you weren’t there” which is entirely unreliable because how would he have known other than from reading about the case himself? We know Nick’s neighbour is jumpy around him, so what did the neighbour actually see? We know his wife and child were killed with a hammer – an extremely intimate murder weapon and one that has been meta’d before in relation to Demon!Dean. Strangers don’t murder people with a hammer. It’s the weapon of crimes of passion, of extreme emotional connection to the victims. There is nothing cold and detached about a hammer. People who pick hammer’s to kill seek out the mess and extreme violence that they cause. It’s horrific and so much more gruesome than a knife or a gun. To kill an infant with a hammer? Even worse. To then see Nick murder the neighbour in the same violent attack, it is very easy to assume that he was the original killer as well.

If we assume Nick was the killer what does this mean for the canon of the show? Is this how Lucifer picks his vessels? What does this say about Sam? Who had to consume gallons of demon blood before he could contain Lucifer, Sam who had to be “corrupted” from a young age to prepare him? Was Nick already corrupted enough thanks to his apparent violent streak?

OR was this new kill with the hammer a result of what Cas called Lucifer’s “influence”, the “damage on his psyche”? Did Lucifer create the monster? Or was the monster already a part of Nick? If the season is going to continue the themes of previous seasons in exploring the shades of grey between men and monsters, then Nick is a key component. Is he the innocent victim of the devil? Or is he a tormented killer, who just so happened to get what he deserved? How would this affect the boys? If they are already struggling to find compassion towards a man wearing the face of their abuser, how does this potential new bit of information fit into that story? Perhaps, if Nick really is the killer, once this is found out it gives the writers an easy way to ultimately have him killed off without any guilt of tormenting and villainising an innocent. My money is actually on this theory. Plus it gives me a reason to continue hating him for the hell of it. But hey, that’s just me.

Castiel – The Angel with Too Much Heart

Oh Cas. What DON’T I have to say about you in this episode? I was amazed by Bucklemming’s dedication to Cas as a character and devotion to getting him right for once… I feel like I have slipped into an alternate universe because of this.

In 14x01 Cas was physically beaten, and in 14x02 he is emotionally beaten. I can’t help but wonder if this spells gloomy foreshadowing for Cas in the coming episodes. I want to write about this in depth as this episode is a fascinating insight into Cas’s psyche and his character arc going forward BUT I am leaving that for a separate post so in this review I will just sum it up:

Consider what happens to Cas in several points:

He overhears Bobby saying “angels ain’t known for their veracity” about Jo – that he doubts she was telling the truth. Cas shrugs it off and “tends to agree with him” but the awkwardness is obvious. This isn’t the Bobby who saw Cas as a son after all.

He is told he cannot go along on the mission to save Dean because his “angelic presence would be sensed by Michael” therefore his grace has rendered him useless.

He is made to relive his own possession by Lucifer “you were in a lot of pain, and Lucifer saw a vulnerability and he exploited it” though not talking about himself, the implication is obvious to anyone with a good memory of previous seasons.

He is made to relive another dark chapter of his history when his grace was stolen and he was human. Cas gives Jack a heartfelt positive speech that does show he is in a better place now “I had Sam and Dean, but I had something else that was extremely helpful. I had myself. Just the basic me, as Dean would say without all the bells and whistles” (which btw is so so good for human!cas meta) but the truth is actually far more depressing than Cas lets on, and the pain of what happened at that time, how Dean kicking him out of the bunker only encouraged the view that without his grace he was useless and unwanted by Dean – hence jilted lover.

He is surprised by Nick trying to “snap” him to oblivion which could easily be a trigger for Cas bearing in mind Lucifer has blown him up before via that very gesture.

He had to relive his “greatest regret” and what he did to Jimmy and his family. “You’re just a stone cold body snatcher, you’re no different from Lucifer” and you can SEE how much that pained him. How much Nick twisted the knife at those words.

He was told by Jack that he wanted to meet “The only real family that I have left” which is a slap in the face to poor Cas who sees Jack as part of his own family (and his reaction to that line is heart breaking).

Then the worst thing, he is made to face the possible conclusion that Dean may have to die to save the world. “Dean doesn’t matter” oh boy. No hate to Jack who doesn’t really have any real reason to put Dean ahead of the world, but to Cas, who is in love with him? Yeah that’s the killing blow right there.

Right at the end Jack says “Do you think he’d want it any other way?” and Cas KNOWS Dean wouldn’t, because they have been in that situation before as well, and when that happened Dean asked Cas to take him out. So he had to relive that painful moment as well. One that he refused, and because he refused to fight Dean, got beaten to a pulp after proclaiming that he would “be the one to watch you murder the world”. I have no doubt that Cas would still take that view over the alternative.

So Cas was emotionally beaten all episode. Forced to live through his worst moments and biggest regrets, and then have to face the fact that putting Dean above saving the world just isn’t right and he needs to prepare himself for that eventuality. If this episode and the last have told us anything, it’s that Cas is once again in a pretty low place. That much beating, both physical and emotional, are going to have an impact, and I am now really concerned about where Cas disappears to in episodes 4 to 6.

There is so much more to discuss, specifically in relation to what his view of his grace as “bells and whistles” could mean for human!Cas meta writers, not to mention the basic fact that any argument now about Cas hating being human just isn’t true. He still had himself, and he still believed in himself even when human, and even if he didn’t back then, he does now. He doesn’t see that period of his life as a total negative. That is HUGE.

Summary

A+ episode for Cas development. Amazing as that is being a bucklemming. It has also left us with lots to speculate and theorise which is always a great thing - keeping people tuning in. The Michael!Dean mystery as well as the Nick mystery probably won’t get revealed any time soon, but are enough to have people talking about them for a while. 

Sam was still very much in Leader mode, though didn’t really get to do much this episode, but the way I see it, 14x01 was for Sam, 14x02 was for Cas, and I fully expect 14x03 to be a Dean heavy episode (which is fair since I am sure we are all missing him by now). Jack is also one to watch. His inner turmoil is textually acknowledged several times over and seeing as he is basically a mini Cas, the possibility that Jack could decide to do something drastic is probably very likely. I wonder if we will see Kelly’s parents again any time soon - I kinda hope not as I reckon that would spell certain doom for them. 

It was a strong episode, and I enjoyed watching it (other than the Nick stuff). Probably my second favourite Bucklemming episode if I was to rank them all now which is very impressive (11x18 will always be top imo).

That’s all for now, as I am in the mood to write some Cas stuff. As always if you read this far kudos and please reblog and comment and send me asks as I love all that stuff. :D

[ariainstars]

Rogue One or Why I (Probably) Won’t Watch This Movie Ever Again

It’s not as if I disliked “Rogue One”. I found it excellently made, from the political, philosophic, psychological point of view as well as with regard to settings, action scenes, acting, music, effects etc.

But why didn’t anyone tell me how deeply sad this story is?

“Rogue One” tells the story of a group of persons who all, for different reasons, have nothing left to lose and thus sacrifice their lives to help the Rebellion against Palpatine’s Empire. There is no reason for us viewers to get attached to the members of this crazy suicide mission: it is their destiny to die and we can sense that right from the beginning. Personally, I never felt compelled to root for them, I only felt terribly sorry for them.

It sure is interesting to be confronted with the reality that so many heroes gave an important contribution to the end of the war but never got anything good from it; also, how bleak and dangerous their lives in this totalitarian Empire were, constantly on the run, always oppressed, losing another piece of themselves over and over - family, health, mental sanity, safety, integrity, in the end life.

The only character I could feel with a little was Cassian, who stayed by Jyn’s side to the bitter end so she wouldn’t have to die alone. Jyn on the other hand never requited his feelings; her entire being was set on doing her father’s will, and Cassian, like everybody or everything else, was just a meaning to this end for her. (Though, in all honesty, she never compelled or manipulated anyone.) She may have been meant as a strong female character, but I didn’t find her in the least compelling or admirable. Jyn did what she had to do because she did not know what else to do with her life.

Jyn’s fate is a somewhat sarcastic take on the bond between child and father emphasizing that a father may give his child’s life direction and purpose but that this must not necessarily make him (or her, in this case) happy.

What baffled me most, in retrospect, was the reaction coming from most Star Wars fans. Long before I had watched the film, I had heard respectively only read of enthusiastic responses, usually culminating in “A real Star Wars film again, at last!”

Of course setting and design remind very much of “A New Hope”, because the story is set shortly before; and for brief periods we see the Death Star, Governor Tarkin, Leia and Darth Vader.

So then, this is what fans want, this is allegedly “real Star Wars”? Excuse me, depressing? Not the aesthetics and the message of the Prequels, the energy and drive of the classics or the new impulses and hopeful glimpses of the Sequels? Does it only depend on cosmetics whether a film is defined “real Star Wars” or not?

This whole story is a tragedy. It’s not a call to adventure with a happy ending like “A New Hope” or “The Phantom Menace”, a Greek-style drama like “Return of the Sith” or anything of the sort. It’s supposed to bring home that there is nothing wonderful about war and that everyone involved will lose much more than they win. This also fits to one of the Sequels’ themes, when we meet the old heroes again; they had won a war and founded a family - but before that, Luke and Leia had lost their old families, Luke had to give up his dream of becoming a pilot, and all of them suffered through tremendous physical and psychical horrors. And, as we learn, after a period of peace they had to watch their victory go up in smoke again as the embodiment of their hopes, their son and heir, nephew and pupil, turned his back on them and devoted himself to becoming evil like his grandfather, the very person they had fought against respectively tried to rescue and redeem all of these years before.

Yes, in a way “Rogue One” is “real Star Wars”. There is a person with father issues at the center, it’s an authentic, honest story, the characters are well-developed and the narrative is well thought out. But I was left almost in tears thinking how the hope Leia expressed in the last scene was founded on the absolute lack of hope of the protagonists of the crazy Death Star mission. I felt depressed for two days after.

Even “Revenge of the Sith” doesn’t make me feel that bad when I watch it, though the outcome is so terrible. There is Padmés funeral scene that leaves the viewer space to mourn, and the scenes with the twins and their surrogate families announcing that not all is lost. “Rogue One” just makes a quick cut when all is said and done and that’s it.

No one will ever think about these persons ever again, no one will mourn them, no one will be grateful to them or call them heroes. A brutally honest take on war and rebellion, opposite to the end of “A New Hope” where the heroes are celebrated and seen as such, though they are responsible for the death of everybody who lived on the Death Star. (Not that I’m blaming them, in that situation it was either destroy them or be destroyed.)

Luke Skywalker, hero of the first classic film which directly follows after this one, never knew his parents, lost his foster parents and his mentor during the course of a few days, but he joined the Rebellion and thrived on it. For Jyn, the loss of her family is a dead weight which hangs on her shoulders until it leads to her death. Jyn merely survives, making one heavy step after the other; she never rebels and goes her own way like Luke did.

I was also surprised since I had heard that Jyn was supposed to be a strong-willed woman, designed to be a role model to female spectators. I wouldn’t want any girl to choose Jyn as a personal example to go by: she is a cold, cynical person whose life never knows fulfilment, not a symbol of hope but of relinquishing of life, hope, happiness.

Her characterization is particularly bitter when we compare her to Han Solo, to whom Star War’s second spin-off was dedicated two years later. Though Han has a sarcastic streak, he remains generous and humorous, and he always cares and is cared about by someone. Despite his name, he is never really alone: he bonds with Qi’Ra, Chewbacca, Lando and Enfys Nest, while Jyn never is close to anyone. (Is it a coincidence that the names “Han” and “Jyn” are so alike, I wonder?)

Also contrarily to Jyn, Han turns his back on his father figure Beckett, deciding to go his own way. And in both cases, this attitude is not heroic in the conventional sense, but personal; Jyn does her father’s will because she feels committed to him, not to some greater cause. Han, too, rejects Beckett when he feels personally betrayed and let down by him. No wonder Han, as we get to know him in the classic films, is the most independent and worldly-wise of the characters. He initially had no father figure, then he found one but in the end, he chose to do without him. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence, when Han kills Beckett in self-defense, that his last words are “You made a wise choice”.

The difference between Han and Jyn, or also Luke, Anakin and Rey, to name other Star Wars heroes, is that he doesn’t have a father figure but he also doesn’t look out for one. He gladly befriends Beckett who is more experienced than he, but when he finds he can’t trust him he turns his back on him, with regret but not mourning him for long.

Han never knew where he came from, but with that also came the freedom to make his own choices; and as we know, contrarily to Jyn he still had a long and fulfilling life and found real friends, a home and a purpose. Very fittingly, “Solo - a Star Wars Story” is a feelgood film and not in the least depressing.

In both cases, we have a very realistic and not at all starry-eyed outlook on what “heroism” and “fighting for a just cause” means. Star Wars remains true to itself by hammering home all over again that it is not at all gratifying to be a lonely hero, and that on the other hand having a family may be a good thing, but being defined by them is a crushing burden. Picking up that burden and doing what you believe you have to do in order to feel connected to them may lead to the desired end, but then the question arises whether that end is really so desirable if the cost is so high. Again, Star Wars is not about the good guys blowing up the bad guys, but about growing up.

Luke Skywalker never knew about his family for a very long time, and after he had learned about it his father died, leaving it to him to repair the damage Vader had caused together with Palpatine; and as we see him again in “The Last Jedi” his character shows a bitter parallel to Jyn - lonely and disillusioned. This also follows the line of the Prequels: even if you have the best intentions you may still err, and deciding to give your life to what you perceive as a higher cause may literally become your, not exactly happy, fate. Becoming a Jedi master Luke became emotionally detached, which brought to the downfall of his temple; only when he communicated with someone again - Rey, Yoda, Leia, and also with his nephew a little - his existence gained new purpose.

In his last moments, Luke announces that he will still be there as a Force spirit; and after death he is remembered by many people in the galaxy, whether they knew him personally or not.

Jyn and Cassian die in the blaze of the Death Star fire, giving up what little they still had or were; Luke’s death is illuminated by the light of the twin suns which this time rise instead of setting. He loved and was loved, that is why he will never be truly gone. Jyn, Cassian and the other members of the Rogue One mission are forgotten, despite the invaluable service they did to the galaxy at large. This is what “Rogue One” ultimately is about: complete, utter and inescapable loneliness.

So, thank you for the food for thought, “Rogue One”. But I don’t think I will watch you ever again.

[adultswithchildrensfaces]

Being proud.

This is more for me. If someone reads it I’ll be happy about that but still...

I’m really proud of myself. I have experienced a lot of internalized hatred throughout my years ever since I lost my virginity when I was 13 to a 29 year old man who physically and mentally abused me. This also happened to be my coming out story to my parents, when they found out that I had been seeing this man for a couple of months. Well he was arrested, sent to jail, and then killed in jail for being a child rapist. I found this out when I was 17 through a friend who worked in the system.

At the time, 4 years was not enough to heal...and even though I hated this man for manipulating me, physically injuring me, and emotionally scarring me for what seems like the rest of my life...it still hurt me even more to find out that someone was killed because of my involvement with them.

So I hated myself, honestly. I’m very fortunate to have my three best friends, of whom I’ve known since 5th grade, and who’ve all stuck by me to this day, even though I now that live 800 miles away from them. Still, no amount of explaining could possibly project how I was hurt inside. In a way I think we all hurt from something. I destroyed myself with drinking too much, becoming physically lazy, completely shutting the world out...

Somehow, through all of it, my friends were ultimately the ones who inspired me to keep going. Those boys have always been there for me, and we’ll always be there for each other. I graduated with a Bachelors degree in Mass Communications (who knows what the fuck I’m going to do with that, but that’s a different story). I’ve truly dedicated myself to fitness recently, to the point where I can’t live without exercise. Perhaps one day I’ll feel comfortable posting pictures of myself online and perhaps become more popular (another story for another time, I hate selfies...but may get better about it who knows!)

To which I’m only realizing recently that I achieved something that most people on this planet have not. I survived a terrible demon who took advantage of me and used me. It became a part of who I am and only 11 years later I can finally say that I’m comfortable acknowledging that in order to unpack it and move on with loving myself. I achieved a higher education with a degree. I’ve truly devoted myself to fitness and with consistency, I’ll learn to love myself from the inside to the outside. I may even become comfortable posting shirtless pictures online for all to see at some point who knows.

Anyways, I’m really proud of myself. 2019 is the year of personal change, for everyone. I want everyone to find something that their proud of with themselves. Acknowledge that. Find something that hurt you. Acknowledge that you survived and are now stronger from it. Find something that you want to work towards. Acknowledge that it is now your path to become who YOU want to become...and that’s a better version of yourself.

Thanks for reading.

[jaywrites101]

JayReviews: Shazam!

What makes a person pure of heart? Today at JayWrites101 we're looking into the recent "controversy" surrounding Captain Marvel and her DC competitor Shazam!. Some are saying this movie is everything Captian Marvel should have been, others are saying this movie is the hack. Which is true? Let's find out together.

The purpose of this review is to break down The Good, The Bad, and The Strange to find out what makes these stories so unique.

Spoilers ahead.

Medium: Movie. Genre: Superhero, Comedy Premise: A young boy is given the ultimate power of Shazam, and must use this power to recapture the Seven Deadly Sins. Plot: A young boy named Thaddeus is teleported to a magic temple and given a test to see if his heart is pure enough to wield the power of Shazam. He fails the test and spends the rest of his life devoted to finding his way back to that temple.

Enter Billy Batson, a young delinquent living in Philadelphia who lost his mother when he was a very young child. Billy regularly runs away from his foster homes and pulls pranks on cops so he can track down every Batson in Philadelphia. Finally, at the last woman on the list, Billy is crushed to discover that she wasn't his mother either, and he's left without any option but to return to foster care.

Thaddeus, now an older man, finally cracks the code to magic and breaks into the temple. Shazam, being near the end of his power and life tries to stop him, but Thaddeus steals the Eye of Sin, which does exactly what it says on the tin and becomes his eye.

Also, it frees the Seven Deadly Sins from their captivity. Thaddeus can sort of control them, but in reality, they're just using him, and since he's already doing what they want... it works.

Anywho, Shazam, now left dying is forced to give his powers to Billy and pray that the kid won't abuse them as previous heroes did in the past. Smaaaaaaart.

The rest of the story is Billy trying to figure out the limits of his powers with his best friend and foster brother Freddy. Being Shazam makes him grow into an adult. Wacky hijinks ensue!

Billy eventually attracts the attention of Thaddeus who forces Billy to fight by kidnapping his family, and Billy discovers a way to allow them to become superheroes like himself. Together they beat Thaddeus, return the Eye of Sin to its cage, and bind the Sins back into their original prisons.

The Good: This movie is hilarious! This is one of the best modern examples of physical comedy I've seen in years! Between Shazam! and Into the Spiderverse, I'm hopeful that this style of comedy will make a full recovery. 

Aside from the laughs -- which were plentiful -- I have to say the acting was on point for everyone involved. The kids were excellent, the adults were excellent, line readings, facial expressions, all of it was top notch here.

But we're going to give this Good with an asterisk. You see, this film is a comedy, it's fun and light-hearted. This lends itself well to more expressive emotions and any slip-ups made only serve to add to its charm. It's still a really big Good. But it a bar that's a lot easier to clear in a comedy with serious moments than in a serious movie with comedic moments.

The next Good I want to point out is the cinematography. The camera guy had fun with this. And by fun I probably mean hell. The long takes, the swivels, the crane shots! There was action with this camera, and you could feel that each take was shot with dedication and care. It's refreshing to see in a movie like this especially when so many films of late show flat, static shots with the occasional shot-reverse shot thrown in.

The last point I want to bring up is the dramatic stakes.

People died in this movie.

Yeah, okay. I can hear you already tying away like "no duh," but usually in these superheroic, high-action flicks people are getting offed by stray bullets or "Raaar! Monster smashes building!" And you never really see the death toll. Like, you're sure someone died, but you're not really sure who, why, or how. Unless they're a mentor character. But those folks come with an expiration date to begin with, soooooo...

It's usually easy to ignore the damage done in films like this.

Thaddeus locks about twenty people in a skyscraper room, throws his older brother out the window, and proceeds to murder the remainder of the people saving his father for last.

That's frekin hard to ignore!!

Likewise, the scene where Bily reunites with his birth mother just to find out she left him there with the police intentionally... I... I just can't... I can't even...

The Bad: I don't believe in perfection. I believe everything can be improved. The prime example here would be how exaggerated everything it.

Don't get me wrong. In comedy, exaggeration is played off for laughs and it's beautiful, buuuuut. When you use exaggeration in your drama... It comes off as forced.

To the film's credit, the exaggeration mostly comes from the fact that they're all kids. But it's still grating to older audiences at times.

I was left in eternal confusion about how old Billy was before he gained an adult super-form. This is one area where even the internet failed me. Canonically, Billy is 12... Considering he has a crush on his foster sister who is about to leave for college... <.< I'm going to say he's supposed to be older in this film. 

I mean... They try to imply he's still in grade school, but he looks like he's already in high school. He also acts like he's already in high school.

Aside from that, most of everything else I have to go here are nitpicks. Things like "how do no one notice the lightning bolts being blasted into the rooftops?" You know. Nitpicks. They're there in every film, series or story. Nitpicks can add up and snowball fast, but in this film, they're barely noticeable.

The Strange: This section of the review is devoted to the things that probably wasn't thought out as well as you might have expected.

The other foster kids.

Out of the six kids we have: Billy the protagonist, Freddy the cripple, a little black girl, the college girl/ love interest, the fat kid, and the Asian stereotype.

There is nothing done in the movie to address these characters except that in the end, they all do actually get superpowers.

To be clear: I'm not complaining about the diversity. I'm complaining that these characters are little more than their stereotypes, and the film indirectly implies that these kids are living half a life unless they're flawless, swole, and sexy.

I know, I'm a white boy who's never lived in a foster home before. I don't think I have any kind of right to be offended... But I think there's someone out there who should be.

There are plans for a sequel in the pipelines. I hope they address this. Because half-assed inclusion can be more damaging than outright bad inclusion.

I still think this was a good step in the right direction. But they still need to take a few more.

Strongest Scene: The villain in the office scene. To me, that was the most gut-punching part of the movie. They said, "Hey, I'm going to have this bad guy do bad things in what would otherwise be a kids movie," and somehow the studio was like, "eh, whatever we don't care."

And we received gold. 

The suspension was locked on high, the terror was real, and I actually believed Thaddeus was a wicked monster. Not to mention this was our first glimpse of the Sins outside of the statues. There was so much intensity packed into one small scene that I'm absolutely sure better reviewers than I will continue to pick over it for years to come. So it absolutely receives my subjective vote.

Weakest Scene: This one always pains me to write. I'm going to have to give it to Billy meeting his birth mother. Now, this scene did have some powerful moments in it, like Billy giving back the compass and the mother just looking at it blankly like she couldn't see the implications of it. Powerful stuff.

But the execution of it was... off. For one thing, this was a tight scene and it didn't have a lot of time to build up to the big moments. So some things felt rushed.

For another, Billy's mother seemed almost irritated that Billy had found her after all these years. Like, she glossed right over surprised, ignored curiosity altogether, and went straight on into "yeah, kid what do you want?" and that was... maybe intentional? I don't know.

It's hard to express exactly what I disliked about this, but this woman didn't feel like a mom and... I think that was supposed to be the point, but it really undercuts the emotion this scene should've had. And the only thing that connects to the rest of the movie is that Billy has to accept that his foster family is his real family now.

This is still an excellent scene, in any other movie it would've been fine. But Shazam! hit a high bar and this is easily the one scene that doesn't hold up.

Conclusion: This film was genuinely amazing! If you haven't watched it, you probably should. There's a lot to take out of it, and it stands alone on its own two feet so you don't have to worry if you've literally never watched any other DC movie.

How does Captain Marvel and Shazam! compare to each other?

Check back here tomorrow for my detailed thoughts on this and a few other "controversies" floating around on the internet.

[virtuoso32]

Michael Cohen’s Testimony Before Congress: Analysis by Rachel Griffing

The New York Times had 5 key takeaways from yesterday’s Cohen hearings. Here’s my take on each of them:

1. The president faces peril having nothing to do with Russia.

Cohen producing a check written to him, signed by the President doesn’t prove anything about what the payment was for. Why isn’t anyone else taking issue with this?

2. Possible conspiracy with Russians remains on the table.

Again, Cohen produces no evidence that the President knew about the Wikileaks email dump. Are we supposed to just take his word for it that he knew what Trump had knowledge of, just because he said so? Even working in the hypothetical, saying things like, “Wouldn’t that be great” doesn’t implicate him in the least. At that point in time, EVERYONE following that story was saying the same thing! Again, no proof, just his word.

3. Mr. Cohen explains the role of “a fixer.” “That was my job,” Mr. Cohen said. “Always stay on message. Always defend. It monopolized my life.”

Well, if that’s the best he’s got, their side is in big trouble, because ANY candidate has at least 1 lawyer on their team who is dedicated to tamping down stories in the media. Clinton is a professional at this. She & President Clinton had lawyers, like Lanny Davis (Cohen’s current lawyer) doing exactly this kind of work during the many public scandals that involved his conduct WHILE HE WAS IN OFFICE; not 12 years before the election, which is the case with DJT & the Stormy Daniels payoff. P.S. Always stay on message, always defend is a pillar in the Democrat playbook. Never surrender your position. They should understand that on every level.

And, again, no one in the Trump camp really gives two craps about the Stormy Daniels case, considering then-private citizen-Trump was being extorted by a sleazy porn star who had already signed an NDA & received hush money. Furthermore, Congress should know first-hand about this stuff, considering they have a slush fund of taxpayer money devoted to settling complaints of this nature. I’m not justifying Trump’s behavior as a private citizen, but, again, him paying to keep it quiet is baked into the cake for his supporters and any other clear-thinking American.

4. Cohen savaged Trump’s character.

·        Trump’s a bigot: Prove it! You’re the scum bag who audiotaped your client w/o his consent and released it to the public. If the President was a racist, there would be audio proof of this. There isn’t, otherwise, it would have surfaced yesterday. Him calling 3rd world countries “s*holes” in the presence of his closest associates isn’t advisable, but it’s also not a high crime or misdemeanor. And it’s also not new evidence or news. Again, it’s also hearsay.

·        Trump boasts assets when it served him and understated values to lower his taxes. If this is a serious accusation, then I’d like to subpoena any CPA in America who DOESN’T do that for his clients and ask them why not?? That is exactly what private businesses are supposed to do: mitigate tax liability and maximize profit. I’d be concerned if Trump WASN’T doing those things to benefit his shareholders.

·        Trump refused to pay money owed to contractors for their services.

Well, if this is true, then bring a civil suit to small claims court. Short of that, shut the hell up about this. And, again, no evidence was presented at all.

·        Trump avoided Vietnam with a medical deferment. Yeah, so did millions of other young men during the draft, including President Clinton & Bush. The fact of the matter was that not only was he in college at the time, he was deferred for a medical condition. Incidentally, when did it become acceptable to publicize people’s medical conditions and hold those against them?

 Bottom line: Yesterday’s Cohen testimony did NOTHING to further implicate the President of anything that wasn’t already well-publicized bull crap. If anything, I believe Cohen ultimately exonerated the President of ridiculous claims of having hookers urinate on him in sex acts, beating his wife in an elevator (caught on film-of course that doesn’t exist) or having a secret love child that he has hidden for years.

Here are questions that were asked yesterday that aren’t getting any attention in the mainstream press:

1. Someone asked Cohen to name WORST thing he could think of to say about the President at this point in time. Like, what is the worst accusation you can hurl on him that hasn’t already been said in your testimony or in the press. Cohen had no answer for that at all.

2. He was asked if there was anything the President should be afraid of becoming public at this point in time. He didn’t have an answer for that at all. Nothing.

3.He was asked where the boxes of documents were that should have already been given to Special Counsel Mueller. He didn’t know where those were.

Here’s a couple of questions that WERE NOT asked yesterday that should have been:

1. Mr. Cohen, you’ve presented a check signed by the President as evidence that he reimbursed you with campaign funds to pay off Stormy Daniels the porn star. But you were his attorney for over a decade. Why should we believe that a check from him from his company’s bank account automatically was hush money reimbursement? Why shouldn’t we think that was payment for your retainer or your monthly services? I can’t imagine he’d have an answer for that at all.

2. Mr. Cohen, you recorded the President w/o his knowledge on many occasions. Why aren’t you using recordings of him to prove your most critical accusations about him being a bigot, racist homophobe or that he knew about Wikileaks or that he was active in the Russia Trump Tower project?

You can’t answer that because there aren’t any such recordings, because none of those things are true. The truth is that he’s a businessman with strong opinions on a lot of topics. He’s a salesman with a penchant for exaggeration and people exploit that to make him into a bad person when he just isn’t a bad person. His son, Don Jr, probably had a potential project for a Trump Tower in Russia, but then-candidate Trump was busy campaigning to win the Presidency, and a real estate deal on another continent was probably not forefront in his mind. And, finally, if he knew about the potential Wikileaks document dump of DNC emails, then he’s one of the millions of people who knew about it because it was leaked to the press beforehand. EVERYONE knew about it by the time Cohen says that Trump said, wouldn’t that be great?

That makes him a candidate who has an opposition research mindset, like any candidate who is interested in winning. Do you think for one second that HRC DIDN’T have an oppo team? NO! We know that she not only had an oppo team, but she also contracted a foreign-based team to draft a fake dossier on Trump that, today we found out was 100% false.

Whew, so that���s my exhaustive assessment of yesterday. Meanwhile, the President was negotiating with a tyrannical lunatic in Vietnam and working with the VP concerning the revolution going on in Venezuela. He has his hands full with Presidenting-ya know? This is why we don’t indict a sitting President.

So, Liberals, get your crap together, because the next 2 years are going to be a grind for you! 

[shireness-says]

Scurvy and Milestones

Summary: Growing up is hard. Doing so surrounded by a bunch of pirates who won't stop to think before they speak doesn't make things any easier. ~2K. Also on AO3.

A/N: It’s my birthday, so here’s a party favor for you all. That’s how this works, right? 

I really enjoy writing Tiny Henry, so here’s a little follow-up to Killian Jones and the Lost Boy. There might be a few more of these if all goes well.

Many thanks to @awkwardnessandbaseball, who keeps reading through these and telling me they’re adorable. You’re a delight, babe.

Rated T for mild swearing. Enjoy!

Killian Jones is proud to captain the most loyal crew on the seven seas. It’s not every day that an entire ship full of sailors willingly give up their way of life, all because the captain decided to move his life in a different direction. But that’s what had happened when Killian gave up piracy to stay on the straight and narrow for Henry, the little boy who had stolen all their hearts, and most days, he couldn’t be more thankful. However, other days he just wants to screech about how boneheaded they all are.

Today is one of the latter.

It hadn’t started out that way, but then again, they never do. Things are actually good; it’s been almost a year since the change-over, and while he and Emma still aren’t married, Henry is happy as a clam and growing like a weed, and the new import and trade business he’s engaging in has proved profitable and welcomed by the locals. They’d actually just gotten back from one of their trips two days prior, laden down with all manner of fabrics to trade - something the townspeople have proven especially excited about. Yesterday had been dedicated to downtime and family, joyfully letting Henry recount every single moment of the past two weeks, but it’s back to the grindstone now, focusing on the various repairs, maintenance, and upkeep that needs to be done to keep any ship in prime condition.

They’re actually winding down for the day - there’s a few more extensive, but still minor repairs that need to be executed in the hold, but everything has been put back in its proper place and set to order, the ropes neatly coiled, the cargo hold emptied and scrubbed. He’s just about to suggest that they all swing by the Red Wolf or Rabbit Hole when he spots Emma striding down the docks carrying Henry with a terrifying look on her face. Killian’s a smart man; he knows well enough that her scowl means he won’t be dropping by the tavern anytime soon.

As she strides up the gangplank, he starts to be able to hear Henry’s cries, and his wariness turns to dread in a heartbeat. Gods, it’s only been hours since he last saw the boy, but Henry’s at that age where he’s into absolutely everything and attracted to trouble like metal to a magnet - anything might have happened.

“What’s happened, love?” he asks Emma urgently, tone and eyebrows alike relaying his frantic concern.

“What’s happened,” she replies, barely tempering her furious look to carefully shift Henry into his arms, “is Whale is a damn idiot, and I might run him through myself.”

It’s a non-sequitur, to say the least, but Killian is too concerned about Henry for the moment to concern himself with whatever his ship’s doctor might have done now.

“What’s the matter, lad?” he asks as gently as he can muster through the worry. “Are you hurt?”

Henry nods, the tears suddenly coming back in a rush. Oh, this is bad, this must be very bad if Henry’s in such a state. Out of the corner of his eye, he can spot Emma fixing Whale with a death glare, the man having wandered closer at the sound of his name and currently blanching in the face of her fury. At any other time, it’d be wildly amusing, but Killian is too concerned to give the spectacle more than a passing thought.

“Well what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

“I’m dying!” Henry bursts out suddenly, trying to burrow his little body into Killian’s chest like he can hide from the words. Killian, in the meantime, is thoroughly confused. The only information he’s received is that Henry is apparently dying, and Whale is an idiot in this regard. He just can’t see what the connecting information is yet, and Emma’s too far gone in her own frustration and anger to provide what that is.

“Why do you think you’re dying, Henry?” he asks. It seems the best way to get to the bottom of… whatever this is.

The lad tearfully opens his hand to reveal a tiny object that it takes Killian a moment to realize is a tooth.

“You lost a tooth, Little Mate?”

And that’s enough to send Henry into another fit of tears. “I didn’t eat my orange!” he sobs, which does not illuminate the subject in the way he seems to think it does. It must mean something to Whale, however, as he starts trying to back away before Emma stops him with a dirty look. They’ll deal with whatever he’s done later, after Killian finally gets to the bottom of this mess.

“I don’t understand, Little Mate. Why does losing your tooth mean you’re going to die, and where does the orange tie in?”

“Because Whale said if I didn’t eat my fruits and sauerkraut, my teeth would all fall out and I’d die of scurvy!”

Oh.

It suddenly all makes sense, and Killian could just throttle the man if not for the fact that he can’t afford to lose his ship’s doctor, and Henry would probably be even more traumatized. Emma’s practically seething, about to attack, a feeling Killian strongly shares. But the boy is still here, ensconced in his arms, and this isn’t the time or place to confront the imbecile Killian calls his surgeon. That will have to wait until later. It’s with no small effort that he forces himself to remain calm and smile down at Henry instead of outright exploding.

“You’re going to be just fine Henry. I lost all my baby teeth when I was around your age, and they grew back just fine. I know yours will too. Isn’t that right, Whale?” The last word is practically hissed at the man in his barely suppressed anger.

A visibly nervous Whale frantically nods before responding. “That’s exactly right, Henry, nothing to worry about, this is entirely normal.”

As Henry looks up at Killian with questioning eyes - gods, it still gets him, the way this little boy views him as the ultimate authority on everything, looks to him for confirmation and reassurance - he does his best to put on a comforting smile. “See, lad? Nothing to worry about. Dr. Whale says it’s completely normal.” After receiving an accepting nod from Henry, he spends another couple of minutes soothing the lad and drying tears before shifting to set the boy back on his feet.

“In fact,” he continues, smiling all the while, “this is very exciting! Look at you, you’re such a big boy now. I think this calls for a celebration, don’t you, Uncle Will?”

Henry perks up at the mention of a celebration, and Scarlet is smart enough to take the hint: distract Henry, and Killian will deal with whatever idiocy Whale has been spouting.

“Well of course!” Scarlet adds in. “In fact, I think this might warrant a trip down to the bakery. What do you say, Little Mate, want to go see about some pastries?”

“Mama too?”

In truth, Emma had been looking more like her afternoon plans included giving Whale a piece of her mind, and maybe a smack in the face, but she visibly softens when Henry asks his question. It’s only recently that he’s switched from calling her “Emma” to “Mama”, and Killian can just see her melt each and every time. “Of course I’ll come with, Henry, unless you want to have your outing with just Uncle Will?”

Henry shakes his head forcefully, prompting a smile form Killian. “No, you come too, Mama.”

Emma smiles, that soft smile she reserves just for the lad, and with one more look at Whale that could flay flesh from bone (and an only slightly less terrifying look at Killian that he takes to mean “You had better fix this”), the little party is off, Henry holding one each of Emma and Scarlet’s hands and chattering away about his favorite pastries, once again the enthusiastic little boy they all know and love.

Killian takes another moment to watch the small party make their way down the docks before rounding to face Whale. There’s a small amount of gratification to see how the man’s nervousness hasn’t gotten any better, and that the rest of the crew is viewing him with similarly angry and incredulous expressions.

“Would you please explain to me, Dr. Whale, why the hell you’d tell a child something like that?” he demands, finally letting the fury creep into his voice. Henry is his son, and it’s Whale’s fault that Henry was sent into near hysterics, thinking he was going to die because of some stupid, misguided comment that obviously sunk in much further than anticipated.

“Would it help if I told you there was a good reason, at the time?” Whale offers in a hesitant voice, and no, it really does not. Killian levels the other man with a look he hopes conveys exactly how unhelpful that statement is.

“Look, it was that first month he was with us, and he was being picky about his food, so I just said it to get him to eat his portion, alright?” the doctor says defensively. “I didn’t realize he’d take it to heart so much! Or, you know, not realize he’d lose his teeth naturally.”

“He was a four year old kid, you idiot. What did you expect?”

Whale just shrugs, which is about par for the course. The man may be a brilliant doctor who managed to keep an entire ship of pirates patched up, and a decent worker in the meantime, but he’s severely lacking in common sense and still unsure about how to interact with small children. This incident only deepens Killian’s resolve that, if he and Emma eventually have other children, they absolutely must be kept from spending time alone with Victor Whale for fear of the kind of ridiculousness he might put in their heads or scar them with. He probably ought to mention that to Will and Belle as well, come to think of it.

There’s definitely a part of Killian - the piece of himself that’s devoted to being a fiercely protective parent - that wants to inflict bodily harm on Whale for scaring his son like this. A punch to the face would be awfully satisfying, and it’s tempting. But Killian resolved to be a better man when he gave up the pirate life almost a year ago, and overreacting violently is part and parcel of the way of living he’s made an effort to walk away from. That doesn’t mean he can’t make Whale pay, and in this case, there’s no reason it can’t be literally.

Killian allows himself one more moment of unchecked fury towards the idiot before letting it out on a heavy sigh and jerking his head towards the gangplank. “Come on, you bloody imbecile, let’s go.”

Whale looks shocked. “You’re not going to, I don’t know, make me walk the plank or scrape barnacles or something?” he asks confusedly, hurrying to add “Not that I’m complaining…”

Killian smirks. “Oh no, I think a different sort of payment should suffice. Since Henry’s lost a tooth, he’s owed a gift at his bedside in the morning from the fairies. And you’re going to pay for it.” The steely glint in his eye expresses an unstated last clause: it won’t be anything cheap either.

Whale must hear the message loud and clear, because he sighs resignedly, shoulders slumping, and leads the way down the gangplank.

------

Henry never again worries about losing his teeth again, but that may have something to do with the intricately carved wooden ship, just like Papa’s, that he receives from the tooth fairy that first time. Two weeks later, when the second one pops out, it’s back to the toy store for Whale - a course that will become very familiar to the doctor in the coming months and years.

And if Killian and Emma try to limit Henry’s time with Whale in the future, well, it’s not entirely unwarranted.

[youngrevolutionary]

Misplaced heroics and the tragedy of Seifer Almasy

[ This is an article published by Electric Phantasms but the website is dead. (Original link to article by Andy Astruc & Published 28 May 2014.) ]

So there’s this tall fellow with a bit of a chip on his shoulder. He’s a student at Balamb Garden — a training school of sorts for young mercenaries in a world oft shaken by civil wars — and he’s dedicated to joining the Garden’s elite fighting force: SeeD. He wears a silly coat to match his silly hair, and his weapon of choice is a Gunblade, which is exactly what it sounds like. A training session with a rival student gone wrong left him with a nasty facial scar that marks the boy Handsome Yet Dangerous. He falls in love with a beautiful girl named Rinoa and, with the help of his quirky friends, offers to help with the lady’s resistance movement. This boy travels all over the world becoming stronger, making powerful friends and enemies along the way.

Now go and kill him, hero.

The above description fits both the main character and one of the primary villains in Final Fantasy VIII, of course; Squall Leonhart and Seifer Almasy, respectively. Villain might be overstating  Seifer’s role, however, as he acts as more of an unfortunate antagonist much of the time. It would be easy to dismiss Seifer as yet another JRPG rival, a simple mirror to hold up to the protagonist and an easy way to add some home-grown emotion to a large scale battle against evil. But Seifer is more than that; he’s the main character, stymied. He is the would-be hero, but for a tragic collection of external and self-inflicted circumstances.

From the start of the game, we’re encouraged to develop a mild distaste for Seifer. The opening cinematic shows a battle between the two SeeD cadets, in which Seifer cuts Squall’s face open. Squall retaliates, which gives them delightful mirrored scarring, and it becomes apparent that this was just practice between two lunatics with boundary issues. This scene serves to set Seifer up immediately as a bad guy — although, at this point, not THE bad guy — and the difficult bug bite which Squall just can’t help scratching. His smug smile, the way he always seems to be a step ahead and his abhorrent turn as the head of the Balamb Garden Disciplinary Committee are all factors in your immediate dislike of the man. But it’s all about perspective, and, all things considered, Seifer’s bump from party leader to party pooper is mostly Squall’s fault.

Right from the word go, Squall is more of a thorn in Seifer’s side than the reverse. Their SeeD exam in Dollet ultimately succeeds because Seifer decides their mission to secure the square isn’t as important as finding out why Galbadian soldiers are so insistent on heading up a nearby mountain. While the act of defiance is presented as a reckless response to boredom, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s because of Seifer the Garden so successfully repels the invaders and learns of their nefarious plot to reactivate a powerful communications tower — a piece of information vital to future events. On their return, Squall and Zell are deemed to have passed the exam for their impressive ability to not die at the claws of an invincible spider robot; meanwhile, Seifer is reprimanded, punished and told he failed the exam thanks to his insubordination.

It isn’t limited to professional hindrance. At the graduation event, players meet Rinoa, a pretty young thing who is looking for help from the school principal, Cid. She’s also dating Seifer. Since Seifer isn’t a SeeD, Squall and friends are sent to help Rinoa’s resistance movement instead, and so begins that messy journey from hatred and indifference to the truest of true love. Nobody ever apologizes to Seifer for this whole girlfriend-stealing business, either, because he’s evil by the time it matters, and we don’t apologize to evil people.

Seifer’s clear devotion to Rinoa is obvious from his actions. No matter how irresponsible someone is, they don’t hold the president of an entire country hostage on an international television broadcast just for kicks. His extreme solution to Timber’s independence solution is a result of the Garden authorities tying his hands, and let’s remember that our hero was involved in a plot just as crazy and illegal; it just had more steps. On top of that, Seifer was acting out of genuine, selfless love and a desire to — at least in his own mind — do the right thing. His reward for such actions is a swift execution. Squall’s reaction to the death of his rival-slash-soulmate and the subsequent emotional breakdown of Rinoa is to shout at everyone like a spoiled child after a lengthy period of selfish internal monologue. Squall is the poster child for stunted emotional growth in Final Fantasy 8, a theme which touches all the younger characters in one way or another; more on that in a moment.

Seifer wasn’t actually killed, of course, as he reappears shortly afterward on a neon-lit parade float as the second-in-command of Sorceress Edea, suggesting that reports of his death — initially assumed to be a way to placate the Galbadians — were an elaborate farce set up for someone’s amusement. This moment, where Seifer becomes the enemy, is a junction point for quite a few fascinating facts about the character. Seifer is now the Sorceress’ Knight, a term which seems rather goofy and idealistic given the seriousness of the situation.

It ties into comments made by the character earlier in the game about his “romantic dream”. We’re talking about the more broad use of “romantic” here — the expression of love towards an idea rather than the pursuit of a person — and the subtext also suits the slightly derogatory second definition: “of, characterized by, or suggestive of an idealized view of reality.” The romantic dream Seifer alludes to before his betrayal turns out to be the rather specific desire to become a Sorceress’ Knight. Not only is it specific, it’s rather strange given that in modern times sorceresses are hated and feared. So why would a boy growing up in this social climate idealize evil witches? A lot of it has to do with a small detail that the game merely implies: Seifer is a huge fan of the old stories about the sorceress who successfully defended her country against invasion many, many years ago.

Searching the Balamb Garden library records shows he has checked out the none-too-subtle book The Sorceress’ Knight, but a more compelling fact was confirmed in the Final Fantasy VIII Ultimania, a book only ever published in Japan which includes plenty of information on the world and events of the game. In its pages, you can find confirmation that Seifer was also a huge fan of the film version of The Sorceress’ Knight, and presumably modeled his aspirations and demeanor around its contents. Seifer even bases his gunblade fighting stance on the knight from the film; we know this because the star of said motion picture was none other than Laguna Loire, and the player participates in the filming during a very odd time travel segment. Laguna isn’t a swordsman, of course, and his stance in the film is utter rubbish, which is yet another sad footnote in the story of Seifer and his blockaded attempts to be the hero. Mercifully, we never get to see the awkward moment when Seifer realizes his cinematic idol is actually Squall’s father.

So it would seem that Seifer is simply the product of his own reckless ambition and a tantrum-like disregard for authority. But a lack of control and choice over one’s own destiny is a strong theme across every part of FFVIII — cities are subjugated by powerful nations, children are recruited into armies, people’s minds are controlled by witches from the future — and Seifer’s destiny is no less directed than anyone else’s. In fact, the very people charged with protecting him as a child are the worst influences in his life.

All the main playable characters in the game, along with Seifer, grew up in the same orphanage. It’s not everyone’s favorite twist, and it comes across far neater than it should be given they began working together seemingly at random, but it does explain why Seifer, in particular, seems drawn to the group. That he is the only other character included in this backstory suggests we give its meaning more than a little thought with regards to his character. Around the time the memory sequence occurs, the characters write off Seifer’s unusual hatred of Squall as a product of jealousy. Squall monopolized the attention of another character, Ellone, on top of generally being the emotional wasteland we all know and love. But we learn at the end of the game that Squall’s involuntary time-traveling after defeating Ultimecia was the catalyst for creating SeeD. His appearance at the orphanage on that day, as a fully-grown man, crystallizes his destiny; from that point on, Cid and Edea treat him as the eventual savior of the universe.

This explains why he makes it into SeeD and is promoted to such a high level so quickly, it explains why he is sent on particular missions, and it answers any questions players might have had about why everyone thinks Squall is so damn special. Now imagine you are a child in the same orphanage, a child without a home or a family thanks to the war. Imagine you have something to prove, and reading about heroic knights and witches makes you feel a little less powerless. Imagine another child, very similar to you, is given preferential treatment. He gets more attention from your surrogate parents, and you have no idea why. You act up, and they still focus on him. When you’re all encouraged to join SeeD — mostly him, though — you see a chance to finally prove yourself. You work incredibly hard and fight to become the best, but that same person is still there, being given all the advantages. He graduates while you get punished; despite a total lack of social skills, he makes friends easily while you’re seen as an annoyance; when your well-meaning actions lead to everyone believing you’re dead, he moves in on your girlfriend.

Seifer is the one who works, and Squall is the one who wins. Earlier I said Seifer’s troubles were mostly Squall’s fault, but that’s not the whole story. Just as our perception of Seifer as an obnoxious fool is simply a mask for the twisting of his genuine intentions, so too is his distaste for Squall actually a distaste for what Cid and Edea did to both men.

Other Final Fantasy games have had characters that either should have been the hero (Basch from FFXII, before focus testing decided he was too old) or are more heroic (Auron from FFX, who only steps aside because he’s simply too well adjusted to get wrapped up in the melodrama of the plot), but FFVIII manages to set up a character that is certainly the hero, while setting him up to consistently make choices that contradict that. He isn’t a mirror for Squall, he’s the guy who has to sleep outside because Squall needed a bed. To his credit, Seifer remains an upbeat and forward-looking character to the very end. He never claims that the world is out to get him. It is, of course.

[moanbyul-yi]

22Q tag

Thanks @curledlife​ for tagging me, the real mvp

1. What colour reminds you of home? or of a safe space? idk about reminds me of home but my fav colour/one that makes me calm is a dark midnight blue. It’s also the colour of my walls so I guess it does also remind me of home

2. What’s your favorite season and why? WINTER - I love the cold, rain, winter fashion, just everything about winter.

3. What’s the first thing you look at when you meet a person? either their smile or what theyre wearing

4. What type of songs do you like? literally anything and everything. except maybe like country, screamo and opera. other than that it really just depends on my mood.

5. What are you afraid of at the moment? shit this got deep real quick uh I guess like where im going in life?? since im at a point where i gotta start thinking about what i wanna do??

6. What is one trait you wish people would appreciate about you more? my humour bc i am comedic gold  idk maybe like what im willing to do for them? whats that called like devotion? i guess?

7. What is your favourite au? SOCIAL MEDIA AU also can’t think of any others so yeah

8. What’s your favourite mv concept? probs either a badass concept or a fun one where members are being idiots so like either crazy/hate by 4minute or aze gag by mamamoo

9. Name a song you want to dedicate to your ultimate bias and why? 100% I’d dedicate really really by winner to my wife moonbyul in the least creepy way possible.

10. What languages do you speak? english and urdu/hindi (they’re like 80% the same so yeah) but hopefully one day the list will be longer if i can learn to stick to learning one instead of 5 at the same time

11. Favourite line From a Song They say that time flies, but you keep breaking its wings (from tablos cover of eyes, nose, lips) 

12. Favourite book series/book shit idk maybe either the last time we said goodbye by cynthia hand or we were liars by E. lockhart

13. Favourite movie Mr magoriums wonder emporium (i’m a child i KnOw oK)

14. What is your philosophy? honestly it isn’t something i’ve thought about im just tryna make it through life alive fam but i guess if i had to choose some words of wisdom it’d be that everyone has a certain amount of shit to deal with so dont be too hard on anyone regardless, including yourself

15. Who is your bias and why? MOON BYUL YI honestly idk why i just fell in love with her for some reason 

16. Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? if so, why? i think at times yes but in general lmao fuck no - just bc obviously everyone knows how to deal with themselves so like itd be great for when im being moody bc id know what to do but im also a clingy annoying piece of shit so nah fam 

17. When you’re in a bad mood, do you prefer to be alone or with people? depends, i usually prefer to be alone or i like to be with close friends but just like chilling like watching movies or something bc talking about feelings is yucky

18. If you could start over, what would you do differently? are we talking restarting life bc in that case I’d think about big decisions properly before I made them also I’d tell myself not to jump off the firemans pole so I didn’t break my ankle

19. Favourite thing about your favourite band ok my fav band would either be Day6 or the rose, for both I just really like their music like it sounds good and also got them angsty teen vibes also love their faces 

20. What’s your favourite thing about yourself? why? shit uh maybe like my ability to let everything slide off like i take things p lightly so its hard to make me upset/angry etc

21. What do you think is at the edge of the universe? who says there is an edge (fr tho who tf knows)

22. When you don’t like yourself, how do you make yourself feel better? wdym I always love myself im fucking great uh I usually paint or I’ll watch a show/movie just to stop thinking for a while

Tags: @akicchisano (i just wanna see ur crisis over who ur bias is sw or ww)  @kyoem @choi-hngsol @biiisunflower and anyone else who wants to :)))))

[saintheartwing]

May the Force Be With You, Pt. 4

Han and Leia were, as it turned out, currently shacked up in a hotel five blocks away from the Dyad’s headquarters. With the holographic disguises they had, it was easy for them to get a room, especially because, in general, Nar Shadaa’s businessmen didn’t ask questions of those that solicited their services. Better for everyone that way.

Now they were in the soft-painted hotel room as Han sat on a chair, looking over a datapad as Leia sat on the bed with Kendall. Both of them were sitting with legs crossed, hands resting on their knees as Leia tried to impart some basic breathing techniques and meditation on to Kendall. Besides feeling calmer though, Kendall didn’t appear to be getting anything out of it.

“Be with me...be with me...be with me…”

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“Try...I am one with the Force, the Force is with me.” Leia offered gently.

Kendall took in another deep breath, in, then breathing out. In, and out. “I am one with the Force, the Force is with me. I am one with the Force, the Force is with me. I am one with the Force, the Force is with me…”

She waited about five minutes, Han watching on as he raised an eyebrow slowly up. Truth be told, he sympathized with the lad. He wasn’t exactly a Force sensitive type either, the twenty-something before him was obviously barely connected to the Force and struggling to grab hold of something real. Han had been a bit saddened himself to know that he couldn’t really feel the Force the way Luke or Leia did, there were times when it would have been nice, to feel what they felt…

“Ohhh. Doesn’t look like its working.” Kendall sighed. “Let’s try and focus on the Dyad. What have you found out?” He wanted to know.

“We’ve been going around to people across Nar Shadaa’s capital, but it’s difficult to get them to talk. People were loath to speak to us about the two when they were younger and more common sights on the streets of Nar Shadaa, but when they became Sith, few, if any, knew what they were doing behind the scenes. I doubt there’s anyone who knows as much about them though based on what we have learned...well, except themselves.” Leia confessed.

Han held up the datapad, tapping on it, as a holographic display popped up from it, showing off what the contents were as Kendall looked at pictures of Furiosa and Raize. “The army is almost completely their own. There’s barely any remnants from the previous one, all of those were mostly older guard who just keep their heads down and don’t ask questions. The same goes for the planet’s fleet. Frankly, if you did ask questions or objected, unpleasant things tended to happen to them. People found their homes trashed, or their loved ones threatened, and in the worst cases, their bodies would get flung out of the top of the tower and they’d have to call in a cleanup crew. Always, of course, at a...less conspicuous time.”

“The average person on Nar Shadaa barely trusts them. They were disappointed that the Republic didn’t do enough, so they put their trust in the populist promises of the Dyad, only to find that the Dyad were actively oppressive, as opposed to the indirectly oppressive and red-taped-up Republic.” Kendall grumbled. “Look, I’m glad the Republic is DOING something now, but if your government hadn’t wet the bed years back, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

“It isn’t that easy.” Leia insisted. “The Republic has to oversee and care for literally hundreds of worlds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to manage that? It’s hard enough for one country’s senate to agree on what has to be done, imagine that...but ten times worse for a senate overseeing almost a whole galaxy.” She told Kendall. “We have to make sure we absolutely get it right or the consequences turn out catastrophic. We can’t move too quickly or it’ll be a dumb, knee-jerk reaction that will only exacerbate the problem.”

“But if you move too slow, the problem festers and then explodes.” Kendall reasoned.

“Look, the Republic should have done more, but it ain’t like this is totally their fault. The government represents you, buddy. How many Nar Shadaans actually vote?” Han asked.

Kendall blinked. “...I dunno, 40 percent? 50?” He asked.

Han smirked. “...26.”

Kendall gaped. “...NO WAY.” He murmured.

“Until the election of the Dyad and the election after that, it was 26%.” Han laughed. “We checked. It went up to around 70 percent when the Dyad announced they wanted to be the representatives of Nar Shaddaa, and only dropped about 10 percent the next election. Only one other guy ran against them. He got DESTROYED.”

“Yeah, I remember…” Kendall rubbed his chin. He remembered VERY well. Someone had swiped the letterhead of Candidate Kendee, a rather charming, though somewhat stupid, human candidate. The prankster had sent out invitations that promised “free beer, free food, girls, and a good time for all” to homeless shelters. He’d found a few sent to the very clinic he’d worked at, and these fake invitations had hurt Kendee in the polls.

Kendee had managed to bounce back though, at the debates. You could only do one on one, so first Darth Raize had tried to take him down, but Kendee had actually outsmarted her. It had been shortly after Nar Shadaa had endured an attack from Mandalorian extremists who had not gotten the memo that the war was over and they’d lost. Darth Raize and Furiosa had said it was the Republic’s fault because it hadn’t been NAR SHADAA that had been keeping the Mandalorian people down on their planet, it was the Republic, and Nar Shadaa was just an easy target because it was closer to Mandalore than Coruscant was, and less well-protected. So they’d used the attack as an excuse to further increase their military power, AND they’d spent months and months railing at how the Republic poisoned everything it touched.

And so when the debate happened, Raize put a hand over her chest, speaking solemnly and calmly. “I would never want to commit troops to military action. I never dreamed I’d be doing such a thing. But the enemy attacked us, and I have a solemn duty to protect Nar Shadaa, to do ALL I can. That’s why I’ve committed more troops to bases on Nar Shadaa’s moons to act as a bulwark.”

Kendee saw an opening.

“Mrs. Raize just said something frankly extraordinary.” He said in his response, his grey eyes looking right into her own. “And something very revealing. The enemy attacked us? The Republic didn’t attack us. Mandalorians attacked us, and even then, Mandalorian extremists, not the Mandalorian people. But I’ve read through all of your speeches in the past months since that attack happened, you mentioned the Republic and Coruscant 1214 times, you mentioned Mandalorians or Mandalore...102 times. You’ve spent more time attacking the Republic than actually attacking the people who blew up 4000 people three months ago.”

He began to dissect her arguments, methodically and quickly, cutting into her like a knife. Raize looked stunned, her mouth slightly agape. When it was finally time for her to respond, she let out an irritated, peevish “First of all, I know Mandalorian extremists attacked us. I KNOW that!”

It made her look bad. Really bad. It also didn’t help that in the next debate, Furiosa tried to connect with the audience by invoking her relationship with Raize, and how close they were. But this had been overplayed in the ads, the people of Nar Shadaa didn’t really find it adorable and cute anymore. It was just a normal relationship they’d seen again and again in the media, so what?

Perhaps they should have spent less money hyping up human interest stories about themselves, and more money devoted to basic needs like ensuring the staff who ran such stories at the media companies had their pensions. Kendee, meanwhile, touted his work as a judge. He’d served on the bench as a juvenile and family court judge, developing a strong interest in aiding abused children. He’d helped to start the “Nar Shadaa Trust Fund”, a private, nonprofit organization dedicated to providing money for kids who had nothing, along with being president of Nar Shadaa’s National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse and Neglect.

Kendall had been impressed. He’d actually thought Kendee would be able to win by trumpeting his heroic work advocating on behalf of the powerless. In fact, some of his campaign commercials showed him at his volunteer work, including one showing him shaking and holding hands with children.

That’s when the bad thought entered Kendall’s mind as he saw those images. “Wait. They WOULDN’T.”

They would. They initiated a whisper campaign that Kendee was a pedophile. They would use the local universities and colleges of Nar Shadaa to disseminate whisper campaign information. The students would go to the classes, hear the info, then return home, and word would get out. That way the lie would come across as common knowledge. It didn’t help that Kendee could barely stomach such an assault. He wasn’t the sort of person where this was water off a duck’s back, he had his own family to think of, and the somewhat small, well-groomed family man had seen his poll numbers plummeting, and ultimately decided to drop out to spare his family more shame.

So the Dyad had taken his greatest strength, touching the lives of kids, and turned it against him, saying he was touching kids.

Kendall knew about this because the clinic was a frequent stop not merely for the average worker on the street who couldn’t afford a better physician, but also for college students, and Kendall was a good listener to the patients. They’d found it surprisingly easy to get stuff off their chest, and to talk about things they’d heard whispered through the halls. Including the stuff about poor Candidate Kendee.

“What we really need to do is to encourage more people to openly revolt and rebel against the Dyad.” Han said. “AND we need eyes and ears inside their building as well. If we ever want to break in, that’s what we need above all else, and luckily, we do have someone who can help with that.”

“We’ve found several sympathetic electricians who specifically do work only for the tower. I was able to read their minds easily when Han and I were at a bar, they were practically screaming inside on how much they hated working for the two. Evidently they watched them force choke a captain of the guard for falling asleep at his post and they’d been terrified of their employers ever since.” Leia admitted.

“Well if you’re the sort of person who’ll casually kill your employees for minor offenses…” Kendall reasoned. “So they agreed to help?”

“They set up a way for us to hack into the tower’s camera system. We can’t get into the security system, that’s too well protected at the moment, but its a start. The next task would be to try and approach their boots on the ground, to see if we can gain allies there.”

Kendall cleared his throat. “Actually, I may be able to help with that.” He confessed. “Because a lot of protesters AND soldiers went to the clinic I worked at, and I know where they enjoyed going after. They’d invite me there for drinks and the like as thanks.” The Logosian told Han and Leia. “I may be able to get some of them to open up.”

“Good idea. We’re going to go out and get some dinner, we’ll bring it back here. You’d best lay low. You’re still recovering...and you can practice your mantras.” Leia suggested as Kendall smiled slightly back, though inwardly, he groaned. As Han and Leia left the room, he flopped onto the nearby couch, covering his face.

He couldn’t connect to the Force through mantas. He couldn’t just reach out through the ether and touch it. None of those methods were working. But...he had faintly felt SOMETHING before. When he’d just openly tried to speak to it out loud. He had to try and approach the Force in a different way.

So Kendall headed to the bathroom, closing the door, getting out his lightsaber as he held it up, focusing, taking in some deep breaths. “Okay. I’m listening. I know I’m not the best Force user this planet has. But I really want to try to talk to you. Tell me what I’m missing. Tell me how I can become better. I’ll try anything.”

“Do or do not. There is no try.” Kendall turned, seeing Leia standing there in the bathroom doorway, chuckling a bit as Kendall sighed, hanging his head.

“I must look stupid.”

“You don’t look stupid. You are simply not used to any of this, so you’re floundering and confused.” Leia told him. “Just think about exactly what you want, and open your mind to the possibility that it can happen.”

Kendall took in another deep breath. He tried to picture what the Force would look like if it could speak to him, but he kept seeing Leia over and over. Every time he tried to make a new face for the Force, it just became Leia. He couldn’t focus.

“Sorry, its just you over and over. I guess because you’re the Jedi here.” Kendall admitted as Leia walked back to the bed with him as he looked down at the lightsaber, turning it on as the red light hummed softly. “Sometimes though, I almost feel like the lightsaber talks to me.”

“A Jedi weapon has its own connection to the Force.” Leia said softly. “Maybe that’s how you can connect better to it. This weapon is your first, your first step towards becoming a Force user, it unlocked the potential within. It has a power all its own. But above all, you must remember a lightsaber should always be used in defense, either of yourself, or others.”

Kendall nodded. “You’re right, you’re right. But why can’t I “hear” the Force or “sense” it the way you can? The way the legends all say Jedi or Sith can? I can’t move rocks, I can’t get into people’s minds, normal Jedi and Sith can, why can’t I?”

“Everyone’s connection with the Force is different. All you need to do is find a way to make your connection work for you. But in truth, you don’t need to get into people’s minds. You have a way of getting into people’s hearts. It is your empathy and concern for others that is your greatest strength, and that, above all, is what makes a Jedi. Compassion.” Leia explained.

“That’s a nice idea.” Kendall said with a small smile growing on his face. “That actually sounds really beautiful.”

“I know you would like to speak to your Father. Maybe in time, as your connection grows, you’ll find the answers you desire.” Leia said. “But you must open the door and walk through it. Others won’t do it for you. They can only show you the right door, nothing more.”

Kendall suddenly felt something tingle his spine, and he sat up, blinking slowly before his blue, deep eyes gazed at Leia.

“I’m not speaking to Leia, am I?” He inquired.

“Leia” smiled. “No. No you are not.”

“...is this form you’re taking...so I’m more comfortable with you?”

“You’re only able to comprehend me as something you know. So...yes.” The Force told him. “Not everyone believes in me the same way. It is not such a difficult thing at all for me to take this form.”

“Are...are you actually God?”

The Force chuckled. “You don’t really think I am, and I won’t tell you I am, Kendall. But I understand why you’d ask that, I am, after all, immensely powerful, and connected to all living things. Probably as close to God as you can believe in.”

“Where did I come from? Could my Dad tell me? Was I...was I created by him? From you?”

“We can’t really answer, Kendall. It isn’t our answer to give, it is his. And you aren’t ready to speak to him.” The Force admitted. “Your mind is reaching out to me. It wants to understand. Your goal is clear. But you can’t focus on your Father without immense pain and sorrow filling you. If you tried to speak to him as you are now, you wouldn’t see your Father. You’d see not even a pale imitation, not an echo. Just a twisted shard of what he was. You don’t want that.”

For the brief flicker of a moment, he was not looking at Leia, but at something horrifying, terrible and enormous that only wore his Father’s face like a cheap dollar store mask and Kendall shuddered, shaking his head back and forth. “I get it. I get it.”

“Perhaps, soon, you will be ready. But you must be at true peace. For now...help the people of Nar Shadaa. And discover the truth of what Furiosa and Raize have done. Doing this will benefit you as well, Kendall. You will find they’ve opened a door...a door your Father also opened.”

And with that, it was gone, just as a knock came at the door. “We’re back. Hope you like noodles!” Han’s voice rang out from the other end as Kendall rose up to let them in.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do.” He told them as they all sat down to eat. “Hopefully I can reach some of the Dyad’s people. Maybe there’s others like those electricians that are scared off them too, and just looking for a chance to escape…” He mused aloud as he, Leia and Han began to heartily house down their noodles. Tomorrow would be a big day indeed...there was much to do, and so little time...