#being horrific and thst i cant fucking think. and in the wrap up meeting today the director who i had to tell this to made s speech
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#delete later#i fucked up a lot at work last year when my aunt was dying. it was two-three months of me missing things and making mistakes. it was#also two-three months of constantly trsvelling bsck and forth across the country to visit and support. straight after moving inti#a new flat alone. i feel. astronomically bad for all the shit i missed and the amount of work i caused for other ppl. i have apologised and#thanked. and when i was asked A MONTH AFTER MY AUNT DIED why i had been missing so many things. i told them about my ocd#being horrific and thst i cant fucking think. and in the wrap up meeting today the director who i had to tell this to made s speech#to everyone about the importance of getting things right thr first time. and that others are affected and its not fair snd needs to not#happen. which is pretty much the speech i got after sharing my shit to her. and I know its not just directed at me. but im definitely#one of the ppl. and im just exhausted. i do feel guilty for not being able to do my job. but at the same time it wasnt my fucking#priority. my priority was helping my sister through panic attacks. helping my mum with chores. and tryinh not to lose it myself#snd then my priority was not destroying myself. it just feels like shit ya know. like. obviously companies don't care about any of that#they care that those hours you spent extra sre ones thst cost them money. thats why we log all our hours now. and im being#sensitive about something that wasn't explicitly directed at me. but im sure i popped into everyone's heads.#im tired. and im not avoiding responsibility for fucking up. I've admitted i fucked up. i just. im frustrated. that after two months of#horrible shit happening constantly. they were like 'why aren't you doing your job properly'. like even my manager who has#had to pick up my slack obviously felt bad for me in that private meeting. im tired. my head hurts. and honestly reviewing thst work#time is taking me right back to thst time and im gonna cry. i feel. useless and dramatic. but also. really angry that none of thst matters#to them#im incredibly sensitive and i know this. im overreacting and i know this. i know they weren't saying im useless and they hate me#i also know i made them frustrated. and thst feels like the end of the world. and then im angry thst i feel like thst bc of a patch of time#that i had little control over#eurgh im being stupid. my head hurts. im so tired. i dont want to do any of this anymore. the impulse to quit is so high but i can't do thst#and i shouldn't over something so small!!! snd now ik tslking myself out of beinh sngry and into being grovelly. fuck me mental illness#is a trip
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