#being disabled i honestly have no other way of getting money unless i work extremely part time

[phayz]

Your art goes hard 👍

thank you so much 😭😭 its my goal to make a living off of it somehow but i doubt that'll ever happen

[laundryandtaxes]

Hi Julia, I'm gonna push back on your post re: nyc. I grew up in another city in New York State and moved to the city at 17 for work, never going to college. I've lived in three different boroughs, and never held a lease, just for context. I think the divide of "native New Yorker" vs "transplant" is in many ways created as a way of sewing division and doesn't reflect that in every strongly-rooted ethnic group, immigrant or otherwise, there is a certain amount of coming and going. For me, every generation of my fam has come here to live for a time since immigrating, despite moving to the south or Midwest. That's super common for my ethnicity and common in many other groups here.

Many if not most of my friends who grew up here have nuanced views on this, and when it gets down to it see it beyond a binary of "native vs nonnative". I think that viewing it as a binary isn't particularly useful. There are definitely alienated internal migrants and people who move to join elite communties, but most of my friends who grew up here have lived elsewhere for a time, and if there have family or ethnic community here aren't weird about it.

This model of discourse doesnt usually talk about the strongly rooted elite/borgeiouse here, and many people who migrate to NYC internally do it for social and economic reasons. Particularly pre-pandemic, the gay and ballroom scenes were massive draws, and jobs in certain industries are concentrated here. Wealthy residents are catered to, and certain type of internal migrant/wealthy expat/wealthy immigrant is definitely catered to by legislation that favors gentrification and has made the city a playground for the rich. The city has intentionally eroded public housing, but it remains that a higher percentage of residents live in public housing, rent controlled apartments well-below market value or recieve housing subsidies here than nearly any other city in the country. People will get on public housing and section 8 waiting lists and leave the city or even country. To be here and to stay here is very tenuous for many multigenerational residents. Regardless, migration and immigrantion have been part of NYC since it began having a distinct culture towards the 1820's. Culture and social creation has never been the exclusive domain of people born here, and NYC is what it is because of born-residents, immigrants, internal migrants and being a center of cultural and social community that draws people from around the world. If it was just one of these things it wouldn't be NYC.

NYC is a place that feels disconnected from the (rest of) the USA and I think that the politicization of desire to be here will have implications exacerbated by the pandemic.

Re: nyc again:

Many wealthy people leave nyc because there isn't a great bang for your buck in the same way as other parts of the country. It's honestly a shitty and expensive place for the rich lmao.

And many poor/working class people come here bc of enviable renters protections, higher wages, and special education for disabled kids. In particular people come from within the eastern seaboard, New England and south for all of these things.

Thank you for another perspective! I am not from New York myself, so my perception of the city comes largely from the accounts of friends who are from NYC, and media, but just like with anywhere you can’t get a complete picture of what a place is like based on those two things.

I will say that a lot of what you’ve said here strongly contradicts my idea of what the city is like, some of which is based on personal experience. I considered a move to NYC at some point with an ex girlfriend (which, holy shit thank goodness that didn’t work out) and I have to say that in particular the idea of NYC as a place with “enviable renters protections [and] higher wages” specifically doesn’t square with what I saw when I researched those two things. Wages in NYC for work that doesn’t require degrees didn’t look good at all, and as far as renter’s protections go, my current understanding is that rent control is awesome but that landlords regularly engage in tenant harassment to pressure rent controlled tenants out of units and the city does almost nothing about it. The second is based more on recent articles I read and news pieces I watched about NYC, but the last time I looked at wages in NYC I was extremely unimpressed given the cost of housing alone, and when I was running the numbers for myself (this was maybe 2015ish) I came away not understanding how anyone could possibly afford to live in the city unless they 1) made a ton of money, in order to afford the outstanding rents, or 2) got into a rent-controlled apartment, which it seemed it was not easy to do unless you knew someone, like I did at the time, who was basically going to tell their landlord to hand you the lease. Obviously I’m not saying you’re wrong, just that I am very surprised to hear that anyone thinks of NYC as a place with genuinely solid rent protections and good wages, because the last time I looked it really did not seem like either of those was the case. If that is the case, that’s awesome and I am very glad to hear it. The story I was told by friends was largely one of intense, almost unbearable pressure from gentrification and jobs not paying nearly enough for the cost of living and being actively displaced by people who came to the city with an absurd amount of money to spend. So if that isn’t actually the case, that’s very very good news because I kind of had what I THINK of as contemporary NYC built up in my head as this horror story of the worst things that could happen to a city.

I also am not intimately familiar with the culture of NYC, but I have to say that I don’t think I agree with the idea that ‘ "native New Yorker" vs "transplant" is in many ways created as a way of sewing division’ because I don’t think that concept is unique at all to NYC- I certainly have a lot of a specific kind of pride in having been born and raised in Chicago, I and most other Chicagoans consider it genuinely offensive and rude when people who grew up in suburbs nearby tell people they are from Chicago, I and most other Chicagoans see ourselves, I would say, as a particular breed of people who share a particular kind of roots in this place, and I don’t think that pride is harmful or bad in any way. I would never tell someone that moving here is an evil thing to do- I consider roughly 10 years of residency to grant you the right to refer to yourself as a Chicagoan and not just a Chicago resident lol- or say that transplants to Chicago are categorically bad people. Half of that is just stupid cultural stuff, really, and shouldn’t be taken very seriously. But I don’t think the concept itself is bad. I have a fundamentally different relationship to Chicago than someone who grew up anywhere else and moved here, no matter how long they moved here, and I don’t think it is harmful at all to be open about and proud of that. I would never make the claim that transplants haven’t made massive contributions to the city, and I would assume most native New Yorkers wouldn’t make that claim about transplants to NYC.

Thank you for sharing your personal understanding of the situation there, and I am very surprised to hear that the proportion of residents in NYC who live in public or rent controlled housing is quite high, and glad to hear it. As needlessly aggressive as Chicagoans (myself included) can be when “New York” is even uttered aloud, I obviously have a lot of real respect for the city and I am glad to hear that it hasn’t just been mostly ruined in the way I had imagined it. This is a good lesson in taking any media you see about a place whose name will get clicks/engagement just by virtue of the aura of the place (New York, Chicago, San Francisco, etc) with several grains of salt. If I was only familiar with Chicago through media I’d think it was some super dangerous place when it definitely isn’t categorically. 

[skruffie]

in which I’m getting to know my brain better

I can’t really pinpoint a time when I started reading about ADHD and believed that maybe it was something that I had. I think it’s kind of been in the back of my head from when ADD was still a commonly-used term but then I would go “naaaah can’t be me, I’m just a lazy person!” I remember ages ago in high school I was at a friend’s house and watching their brothers and I thought “This is what actual ADHD looks like” so I guess that kind of pins it for me thinking about it as long ago as 15 years ago but I never gave it serious consideration until more recently.

(This is very, very long so I don’t blame you if you want to just skip it entirely)

Just last night I was talking to Zack and I was giggling and going “I still can’t believe I really didn’t see this before” and they were going “Really?”

Let’s think about this. As a kid I was always pretty sensitive and had weird... I used to call them compulsions but now I wonder if it was more impulsive behavior where I would hoard things like rocks and leaves or do dangerous shit without thinking about it (one memory comes to mind immediately when I noticed there was broken glass on the playground and I started meticulously picking it up as carefully as I could, and my teacher freaked out when she saw what I was doing. It unsettled my mom too, but me explaining that I didn’t want anyone to get hurt didn’t help put them at ease). I would be deeply sucked into my imagination at times, like... 

When I was a kid I always kind of pictured myself like everything that was happening was a movie. I don’t really mean this in a dissociative derealization kind of thing, but just imagining every second was a movie or a video game. Sometimes I still do this. I can’t really pinpoint if there were a lot of hyperactive symptoms other than countless times my mom told me to stop fiddling with my hands or string or whatever was within my grasp. I would always come home from school dirty with grass stains on my jeans and holes in my knees and rocks in my pockets, earning the title “skruffy ragamuffin” from my sister, but I just kind of figured that was part of being a kid. Looking at it NOW through this viewpoint gives me second thought though.

I picked up on physical activities rather quickly from a young age like dancing and karate--probably the physical movement was what I needed to help me focus--and I do things like pick at the skin around my thumbs, bite the inside of my cheeks (Didn’t realize this was a thing until I watched Hannah Hart describe it as part of her fidgeting and went “OH.”)

As I got older and after my sister died, see... I always viewed this time period in my life as I couldn’t do school or focus because of my grief and my home life falling apart, and I think part of that is still true. However, I would continue this with “And because of that I didn’t form good study habits and that continued into highschool when I stopped giving a shit”. Which was better than thinking I was just a stupid failure, and I really don’t think I am stupid... I can think quickly on my feet, I notice things that other people don’t, I’ve been an advanced reader from a VERY early age and I can infer correct answers from context clues and analyze things in that way. 

There is one memory from high school that, in the past, I thought maybe was tied to an emotional flashback but I realize now that it might’ve been Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. There was a weird disagreement that I was having with a friend of mine over something (truly can’t remember what it was about now), and somehow this rejection of him not listening to me spiraled me into this state of Why Should I Fucking Bother and the first target for this heavy, painful feeling was “okay, well I should just stop drawing because Why Should I Fucking Bother”. My English teacher found me sitting in the hallway crying and sat down with me to ask what was happening and I tried to explain, and then he had me show him my artwork and he goes “You are an incredible artist, you shouldn’t give this up.” One of few teachers in my life who I will always respect because he was always stern in a kind way, understanding, and an overall wonderful man.

I’m kind of getting off track here but I think that’s really just self-demonstrating at this point.

When I worked at Target there wasn’t really an opportunity for the ADHD type symptoms to manifest because I was pretty much always moving. In school I could zone out very easily but at work I was able to have more bouts of focus, but traded off my inattention for anxiety instead. This was also just a few years after the big PTSD causing event, but retail in general can give pretty much anyone some anxiety issues. Nonetheless, the things that I enjoyed about working there is that I was able to master my work zone completely (to a point of annotating the training guide with new information and keeping it updated), became the go-to person for several things, and I enjoyed being able to have a bit of freedom of movement around my work space. I enjoyed being able to have physical, tangible ways to see progress being made on something and there was a surprising amount of nuance and problem-solving when it came to resolving customer complaints. 

Moving to a desk job in 2018 was a weird departure from all of that. I had started off kind of as a clerical worker and would compile the concrete goods vouchers that we send out to our clients, receive them back, prepare them for scanning, scan+upload to case files, etc. It was dreadfully boring a lot of the time but I didn’t mind the long stretches where I could sit and prepare documents for scanning because I was able to listen to music while I got them ready. After a while I was encouraged to become a fiduciary, and that is really when the Maybe I Have ADHD started to rear it’s head.

My job doesn’t have the tangible way to see that I’ve made progress. I update placements to generate foster care payments, I generate the vouchers for concrete goods, I put in ongoing foster care case management payments or daycare payments, I will sometimes resolve some payment issues but only to a certain point--I’m able to see information but being able to solve the problem is actually not my area unless I can correct it within the case management system. There is an extreme need to be detail oriented because we work with specific service dates, with some services ongoing but some needing to be renewed every six months, gobs of emails with paperwork and trying to get the right signatures on everything because we’re dealing in state money...

on top of this, in order to move into the permanent position, I’ve been taking the accounting classes online outside of work and (until the pandemic started) having a long commute-work-commute day that totaled about 12 hours out of my waking life. My diet changed radically because Zack and I didn’t see each other often and getting home at 6:30 at night didn’t leave a lot of room to cook and then eat before having downtime to sleep... only to wake up at 5:30 AM again... my insomnia started kicking in to a point now where I take a benadryl through the work week to keep my sleep schedule on track. I started having anxiety attacks at work because trying to keep up with remembering all the little details I need to at work was getting to me. 

As I was training, I would write a post-it reminder whenever I repeated a mistake and stick it to my monitor. I got up to about 14 post-its before it became distracting and I instead compiled them onto a list and tacked it to my cubicle wall.

A few months into this I had a crying jag talking to Zack because it felt like something was really wrong and I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly. Depression? Anxiety? Trauma? School trauma? I think it’s just been untreated ADHD this whole time. I keep thinking back to this post I’ve seen on Tumblr a long time ago where someone said “disability exists in the context of the environment” and I think that’s what’s happening to me. I previously have bee in environments that weren’t butting up against The ADHD as much, but this job has been extremely challenging for the past 11 months. 

Thankfully, my boss and I have one-on-one discussions regularly (used to be every other week but since the pandemic started it’s been weekly phone calls) and she has no issues with my work performance... likely because I exert a lot of mental and emotional energy to keep up with everything I need to do. I’m also in charge of the busiest field office in our region--there’s a high turnover rate, lots of child welfare cases, etc--and the social workers that I talk to on the regular enjoy having me as their fiduciary. There have been many times however, despite the fact I seem to be doing pretty good, where it feels like I am hanging on by a fucking thread. Here’s something personal that I don’t think I’ve shared yet on the blog: last year, within the first month and a half of adjusting to this new pace of work and school and the long commutes, the schedule was so stressful for me that it made my period late. Worrying I was pregnant just stressed me out more. Not being able to treat this Probably ADHD has been detrimental to my mental health.

On the 22nd, I’m going to have a telehealth meeting with a doctor to see if I can get a referral for a screening. I kind of worried that if I do get diagnosed with ADHD it would send me into this mourning state of what-could-have-been but honestly... I’m tired. I’m tired of beating myself up for exhausting myself into keeping up with other people. I think I owe it to myself to get the help that I need. Looking at my life with the lens of I Probably Have ADHD has actually given me a renewed sense of self-worth and confidence because it’s something that I can learn how to take control of. It’s worth it. I’m worth it.

[eldritchsurveys]

696.

If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? >> If money were no object, absolutely, because I could then stop settling for clothing that doesn’t quite fit well or has bad textures just because they’re within my budget or because I can’t afford replacements. Also, maybe I could get stuff custom-made instead of dealing with whatever the stores deign to sell.

How do you/did you get to school? >> I took a bus for most years, but for junior and senior year I lived in a town with no school bus system so I walked.

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn't do? >> Yeah, a lot when I was young. I guess I make a great scapegoat.

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? >> If an admirer doesn’t overstep my boundaries and doesn’t expect me to reciprocate whatever it is they’re feeling, then it’s fine, I don’t care. I’ll take any positive attention I can get.

What was the last song you sung out loud? >> I don’t remember.

Have you ever had to have a pet put down? >> No.

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? >> I never had this experience. I did drive Sparrow’s car around a school parking lot once, and that was pretty fun.

What was the last book you read? >> Recursion by Blake Crouch.

Did you enjoy it, or were you glad to be finished? >> I enjoyed it immensely.

Do you ever wonder what other people are thinking when they stare at you? >> Yes, because I’m quick to assume they’re thinking something negative but I’m aware enough to know that I might be wrong. But to be honest, I really don’t like being stared at for any reason, so I mostly just wish they’d stop.

Have you ever gone out of your way to get someone's attention? >> I don’t think so.

When was the last time you felt desperate? >> Earlier last week.

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? >> This morning, before I had a galaxy-brain moment and put on a pair of sunglasses to mitigate the overwhelming amount of daylight streaming into the apartment and overloading my nervous system. Just because I know I’m sensory-defensive doesn’t mean I always remember to, like, defend my senses. lmao.

What candy cane flavor is your favorite? >> I don’t have a favourite.

What is one thing a guy can do, but a woman shouldn't? >> ---

In your opinion, who doesn't deserve to be famous? >> ---

Do you get angry when fast food restaurants mess up your order? >> I get upset, because it upsets me to have the Wrong food. But most of the time when I’m really upset about it it’s because I’d only noticed by the time we got home, or something, and I can’t do anything about it. If I notice while we’re still in or near the restaurant, then I don’t get nearly as upset because I can just... go fix it.

Have you ever had a ridiculous hair cut? >> I mean, probably.

What was your favorite elective class in high school? >> ---

Did you ever wish you could be homeschooled? >> No. Was it hard for you to get up this morning? >> Not really.

Have you ever had a dream so realistic you could've sworn it happened? >> Yeah.

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? >> I don’t remember the last time I coloured in general (I usually colour with markers, anyway).

Can you remember the first survey you filled out? >> No way, lol.

Do you have any mental disorders? >> I could probably be diagnosed with a couple, but formal diagnosis really doesn’t interest me at this point. I have enough of an idea of what psychological criteria I fit that I can look up resources to help myself (and I have a direction to point SSI towards when it’s time to Prove My Disability To The Government), and that’s really all that matters right now.

Do you feel comfortable talking about these disorders, if you have them? >> *shrug* I mean, I guess you could say that.

Where did you go on your last field trip? >> ---

What do you do when someone pushes their views on you? >> No one does that, really. I mean, I don’t even know how they would, considering how unfazed by social pressure I usually am. Dogma just doesn’t stick to me.

Are you able to agree to disagree? Or do you have to have the last word? >> I’m perfectly willing to agree to disagree.

Do you think you make a good first impression? >> Not always.

Do other people's first impressions stick with you? >> It depends on what my first impression was. If it was like “oh my god this person really comes off like a bigot”, yeah, that’s going to stick until explicitly proven otherwise. If it was like “oh hmm this person seems to be in a bad mood” then like, whatever. Moods change. Sometimes you just catch people on a bad day and that doesn’t mean they hate you forever.

Are you friends who you thought they were when you first met? >> ---

How have you changed in the past year? >> I really don’t know how to track this.

How about in the past five years? >> This is a little easier to track, because five years ago I didn’t even live here. But I don’t really have the energy to like, lay it all out in words right now.

What do you do when you feel like giving up on something? >> Sometimes I just give up on it. Other times I take a break. Other times I have a meltdown. Other times I push through.

Have you ever had to give up on someone? >> Yeah.

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? >> ---

Is there a cover song you like better than the original version? >> There are quite a few songs like that for me.

Do you think it's okay to like a cover more than an original? >> Who the fuck is going to stop me...?

What band do you wish was still making music? >> Meh.

Do you still watch any cartoons? >> Sure, I watch cartoons.

Are you just too lazy to recycle? >> I guess, more or less. I also don’t really see the value in it anymore. Reducing and reusing seem to have more immediate effects that I can observe in my own life; recycling is just another industry with its own emissions problems at this point.

Think of the last person you talked to--do you love him/her? >> Sure.

Do you fit your zodiac sign? >> My natal chart seems to be an astute character sheet for me.

What is one of your weak points? >> I don’t know.

What is one of your strong points? >> Meh.

Are you calm in emergency situations? >> More often than not, yeah. Unless said emergency situation includes a lot of environmental stimuli, in which case that will frazzle me (although the situation itself might not).

When was the last time you cursed at someone? >> As in, with the intent of being mean, not just cursing in conversation? I really don’t remember.

Are you afraid of losing someone you love? >> I’m always afraid of losing Can Calah.

Who are you most attached to? >> ^

What do you depend on other people for? >> Most of my quality of life, seeing as I can’t live off this government income alone.

Are you good at reading other people's body language? >> I don’t know, maybe.

Do you like facial hair? How about chest hair? >> It’s fine.

If you have a favorite number, how did you choose it? >> I didn’t really choose it, it’s kind of just... I don’t know. It’s part of the fabric of my reality or something blah blah blah.

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? >> I mean... wouldn’t that depend on the specific breakup...

What goes through your mind when someone asks you out? >> ^ (But also in general, I’m going to react defensively to being asked out because... I don’t date, and anyone asking me out either doesn’t know me well enough to even initiate that sort of intimacy or doesn’t care that I’m aromantic, which is not a good look either way.)

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? >> My shoes match with all my outfits.

Do you style your hair daily? >> No.

Who was the last person to compliment your appearance? What'd they say? >> I don’t remember. I think the only person that really compliments my appearance these days is Sparrow, anyway. Is there any movie you just can't stand to watch? >> Yeah.

What do you think of pornography? >> I mean, it serves a purpose.

What hair products do you use regularly? >> Shampoo. Also this tea tree oil stuff that I don’t know if it works or not but I don’t have a better idea.

Does it bother you when people use extremely bad grammar? >> No. Most of the time “bad” grammar isn’t an impedence to communication, so I don’t see what the big deal is. (Obviously if you’re writing for, say, an academic journal, there is a certain standard of writing one should be following. But people are always complaining about bad grammar on, like, tumblr, and who fucking cares? Ain’t nobody being graded on mastery of Strunk’s Elements of Style here.)

Do you have a hard time talking about sex with the opposite gender? >> Er, one’s gender isn’t what determines how comfortable I am talking about sex with them.

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? >> There’s something to be said about the lack of compassion that male doctors often display towards people who are perceived as female, which I do take into account, but ultimately I figure it’s still about the individual doctor and not whatever configuration their chromosomes are in. I’ll take a competent, compassionate male doctor just like I’d take a competent, compassionate female doctor.

Have you ever had major surgery? >> No.

Could you go a month without speaking? >> I think it would be rather inconsiderate for me to go a month without speaking to Sparrow. I have had periods of selective mutism, of course, especially during depressions, but if it lasted long enough I would eventually have to make some attempt to work around it.

What goes through your mind when you see someone very obese? >> I mean, nothing specific.

How about when you see someone very thin? >> Once again, nothing specific.

Is there any food you don't like that a lot of others do? >> Yeah, milk chocolate.

Have you ever followed a trend? If so, what was it? >> When I was younger, certainly. You know, when I actually paid attention to trends. I have no idea what’s even trendy right now, except like... VSCO? Is that still a thing? Shit moves too fast these days, man.

Have you ever started a trend, even a small one? >> Not to my knowledge.

What was the last thing you bragged about? >> I don’t know.

[myvelouri]

Still have a fever. This is insane. I'm sweating so much I have a headache from becoming dehydrated

I'm really weak. Been sick too many days now. Nothing is working

How did I end up here?

I remember when I moved here in 2015. My mom and dad were healthy and we were doing well financially finally. So many promises. I remember our neighbors being nice. I was still pretty at the time, I remember the daughter totally had a crush on me. She was way young though, and I embarrassingly didn't recognize her. She wanted to hug me and I said no, idk I was upset at that moment. Idk if I even hugged her or not. I just didn't recognize her. Oh wow I'm so weak right now it's hard to move my fingers to type. Yeah my other neighbor, older lady thought I was beautiful, she told my parents haha. I remember being happier. I had been recovering from jaw surgery and going to college. I moved all of our belongings from the old house to this one. Yeah before I had a bad back problem. I was doing well. Suddenly, my dad got rhumatoid arthritis, my mom got many different conditions, my dad got more conditions. Suddenly my dad couldn't work anymore, my health started deteriorating badly, I'm ugly as fuck now, my depression makes it nearly impossible to pass classes as I can't retain or understand anything, it's the depression. I can't work as much as everyone else, I mean I'll do 30+ hours sometimes but still it breaks my body. My dad is getting denied for disability even though he needs it. He's in pain everyday. Hate seeing him like that. I'm not making enough money. I can't go to college or University unless I take loans but even then, I'd likely fail as I couldn't study enough (I need to A LOT due to depression) because I'd still have to work. My parents are dumb, they want me to work full-time as well as go to college full-time and they think getting a scholarship is easy and anyone could get a full ride. Just cause my sister got a full ride scholarship. She's able to pass classes just fine. I'm not her. It's weird because she's a dumbass lol. I still teach her shit, and I'm just like, why the fuck am I struggling with classes. Well, I didn't struggle prior to depression. Yeah so now I'm here. We're losing the house. Our health deteriorating, I am stuck, I can't get out, I want a normal life in this regard at least, you know, just going to college, like everyone else. Ffs. I am so abnormal that I can't even have that. I went through a breakup too, I didn't have sex with anyone, I only hooked up with one girl, I wish I didn't though. I kissed 2 other girls and I stopped because it was all so weird, it was too early. And I stayed abstinent, didn't even fap for months to a year. Suddenly I got hsv1 and I kept getting EXTREMELY ill EVERY MONTH. I'm still suffering, but this time I stayed healthy for 4 months. But fuck, it's still too soon. And I'm recovering so slow it feels like I'm not recovering at all. I feel so weak everyday, my brain is not fully functioning. So much is wrong. And all the other things I've said I hate about myself and my bs conditions, all the unfair shit wrong with me. Just all of it. I don't want this life. I'm grateful for all the good memories and great things when I had them. Life sucks but can have some beauty. But honestly, I'm tired now. I don't want to live anymore.

It's physically and mentally painful to be around now. And it's sad because I remember when I used to be happy. That'll never happen again. Basically like entropy. You can't get it back.

How did it end up like this

[thefallenofbajhiri]

Character Details: Toshinaku

Full Name: Toshinaku ‘Bajhiri’ (Coeurl/Crystal Data Center) Formerly: Sozoh’a Bajhiri

Pronunciation: TOW-SHiy-nah-koo | ba-JEE-ree Nicknames: "Toshi” for the most part by anyone who has a hard time pronouncing his name Gender: Male Height: 8 fulms 9 ilms Age: Unknown Zodiac: Menphina, the Lover (IRL: Aries the Ram) Languages: Common, Huntspeak (Both Keeper and Seeker), Dragon Speak, Ancient Allagan, Voidsent, and various other languages.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS Hair Color: An interesting shade of burgundy that sometimes looks like it has a purple-ish hue in certain lightings. Has a slightly dark purple hue at the tips of his hair for highlights. Eye Color: Matching his hair in that similar burgundy shade while having a bright pastel lavender limbal ring color. Skin Tone: A fine sort of dusty off-white or a very pale silver coloration. His scales are a bright white and shine like gemstones with a brilliant iridescence to them. Some compare his scales to white cat’s eye moonstones, opals or white sapphires. Body Type: Mesomorph, he is muscular and well built for the most part. Abs for days and his arms are quite muscular and look like they could crush a skull. His legs, while muscular seem to stand out compared to the rest of his body as if they shouldn’t be there at all. Accent: Toshi has a slight accent but it is barely noticeable unless someone is truly keened in on it (Sounds like a very slight Allag Accent). He has been known to roll his R’s like Miqo’te as well as to purr like they do, one interesting thing to note about him is that he will carry out his S’s in a way that some ‘snake’ like characters have been known to. Dominant Hand: Right Posture: Confident and almost proud. He tends to stand with his head held high and a glint in his eyes that show he is obviously up to no good so to speak. He’s generally smirking and has this... air about him that something is again not right. He sometimes comes off as he is hiding something or has something to hide. Scars: His body looks almost unnaturally pure and devoid of any scars what-so-ever. Like some sort of magic was used to keep his body pristine. Tattoos: A very intricate marking that is on his forehead done in a purple similar to the highlights at the tps of his hair. His body is also littered with a heavy amount of tattoos that look almost like they are magically imbued by white magic from Conjurers and White Mages, while he may call them tattoos they are far from such. Most noticeable features: There are so many things about Toshinaku that just make everything feel ‘off’ about him. Between his rather massive size compared to even the tallest of Au Ra, his Aether being extremely strange and almost suffocating and the many ‘tattoos’ on his form there is so much to notice about him and draw in ones attention. He has very dragon-like feet compared to most Au Ra. His horns also have an interesting golden sheen to them while they have that similar white shine like his scales do. He’s extremely mysterious and hard to truly pin down but it’s obvious that there is something different about him.

CHILDHOOD Place of Birth: Unknown, thought to be somewhere in the Northern part of the Shroud bordering Coerthas. Hometown: Unknown, tends to wander and has never truly had a ‘home’ so to speak of. He’s nomadic so to speak. Birth Weight/Height: Unknown Manner of Birth: Unknown, thought to have been natural but also given how he is it’s hard to say. First Words: Thought to have been ‘snake’ or ‘ba ba’ which some suspect to have meant Bahamut. Siblings: Unknown Parents: Unknown, seriously he’s a mystery in every sense of the word. Parental involvement: What parents? He didn’t know them and certainly doesn’t know how involved they might have been. ADULTHOOD Occupation: Master Alchemist and Engineer, studies genetics and genetic altering as well as being a chemical creator that will alter a beings appearance/genetic code.. Tends to spend most of his time studying ancient Allagan technology as well as chemicals of some description. He is also an ‘entertainer’ of sorts... can we just say he’s a very good belly dancer and tends to help... relieve stress with certain methods. (IE: He does sexual favors for money basically) Current Residence: Nomadic, honestly he’s always wandering about the world. He spends most of his time in inns in various location. Close Friends: None Relationship Status: Open, Poly Financial Status: He has to pay for those inns somehow. Most of his money is likely earned through his ‘entertaining’. Driver’s License: He gets around mostly on foot, he doesn’t understand these ‘horse birds’ as people call them. Criminal Record: None, for now. Vices: Conjuring up dangerous chemicals, drinking way too many ‘unknown’ substances, tinkering with allagan technology, tinkering with augmentations for himself, using others for his own personal gain. Drinking way too many temporary fantasias is another one.

SEX & ROMANCE Sexual Orientation: Homosexual (But will potentially go with woman if the desire/mood is right) Romantic Orientation: Panromantic Preferred Emotional Role:  submissive  |  dominant  |  switch  |  unsure Preferred Sexual Role:  submissive  |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed Libido: While Toshi does a lot of entertaining his drive is not as high as one might think. It’s there but it doesn’t really show as much as some others might. Turn Ons: Neck Bites, Biting in general, Scale Massages, Touching his horns, touching at the base of his tail and also touching or yanking his tail. There are many things that can turn him on really and he’s quite sadistic as well which also gets him going. Turn Offs: Most of the usual things really. Love Language: It’s hard to really say if this guy has any sort of love language or not. He’s honestly so ‘devoted’ to his work that he hasn’t really ever experienced love. We’ll come back to this later I think. Relationship Tendencies: Being an entertainer in some regard, Toshi tends to have tendencies that will please his partner first and foremost. Those who hire him on for the night will get the best out of him and all they have to do is tell the guy what they want most. He often ‘boasts’ about how he can give anyone whatever they want and he is more than willing to oblige. MISCELLANEOUS Mental Disorders: Unknown at this time. Physical Illnesses/Disabilities: None that he is aware of. Left or Right Brained: Can be a bit of both however seems to be more Left brain dominant. Fears: He doesn’t discuss his fears, his fears are not truly known as he is quite good at hiding them. Self Confidence Level: As mentioned with his posture he is fairly confident in himself but there are times where he’ll slip up and show some weakness. Usually however he keeps that head up high and proud. Vulnerabilities: Extremely Sensitive to White Magic, Healing Magic, etc. and prone to potential Aether Sickness if exposed for too long to any White Mages/Healers. There could be various others here but they haven’t been documented yet.

[rezares]

Reza Kasraoui-Müller Five* (8)  Identities

 *five identities he claims, two he doesn’t acknowledge, and one he is struggling to

Word Count: 1366

 Father - In late 2009, an agreement was made between a sorcerer and a fairy, to conceive a child. The fairy and the sorcerer had slept together before, but were always nothing more than ‘allies with benefits.’ But the fairy wanted a child. A child, but not a husband. The sorcerer wanted neither but agreed to supply the other half of the DNA for the child. As the fairy’s pregnancy progressed, however, the sorcerer realized he couldn’t just have a child in this world and not be involved, so the arrangement was modified to be a co-parenting situation between two people that are not, never were, and would never be in love.

 On August 27th, 2010, Sabiha Ibitsam Ghadir Basira bint Reza Kasraoui was born in Hammamet, Nabeul Governorate, Tunisia. Reza’s life revolved around her from the moment she took her first breath. Her mother, a fairy named Rafika, had to practically pry her from his arms to nurse her.

 Sabiha is Reza’s greatest joy and he cannot imagine ever being separated from her again. To Reza, being a father - Sabiha’s father - is his whole reason for living. Before he is anything else, he is that wonderful little girl’s father.

Sorcerer/Magick - It’s predicted for this to be in the number two spot, but I actually struggled whether or not to place this here. Because frankly Reza feels disconnected from the experiences of most sorcerers around him - currently. I think...Reza himself would more closely identify with ‘magick’, and with pan-magickal struggles and social justice.

 Like...Reza probably has more in common as far as lived experiences, with a British werewolf than a British sorcerer. Because British werewolves and Tunisian sorcerers are both heavily discriminated against. Magic is illegal in his home country, he’s been put in jail and denied housing and work for being a sorcerer. British sorcerers, while inconvenienced by restrictions and regulations, simply do not face a comparable level of stigma to sorcerers in Tunisia.

 Reza would probably say that prior to living in Austria and now Swynlake, he would have identified more strongly with “sorcerer” as not just a label, but an entire piece of his identity. Tunisian sorcerer culture is rich, complex, and really forges a community. It means something very specific to be a sorcerer from North Africa. Now in Europe, he doesn’t as strongly identify as a sorcerer. At least, he doesn’t...think of himself as part of a community of any sort that would also specifically include say, Howl, Hera, or the Qin sisters.

 In Swynlake, Reza feels more connected to this abstract pan-magick identity. He feels closer to Hades than to any sorcerers here other than his sisters and his apprentice, Aurora.

Activist  - Reza, before anything other than being Sabiha’s father and being a sorcerer, identifies strongly with being an activist for magick rights. His pen name for pro-magick writing, Ares, the god of war, was a fitting alias.

 It isn’t just magick rights, though. During the Arab Spring, Reza was heavily active locally in the movement that ultimately toppled the Ben Ali dictatorship. He cares a lot about social justice and in every society he lives in, whether Tunisia or Swynlake, he actively seeks to speak out and fight against injustices.

 His activism is intersectional, no matter what continent he’s on.

 Muslim - This one is interesting because of its placement on the list. I thought Muslim would be fifth, below Tunisian, but it’s not and I’ll explain why in the Tunisian blurb.

 Reza is...not the strictest Muslim. He drinks alcohol and has sex outside of marriage - you know, breaks “rules” that are convenient for him like every person of faith does. But he finds comfort and community in Islam and his Muslim identity is very important to him.

 As a now out magick, Reza is unable to even enter Saudi Arabia, and is therefore unable to complete his hajj, one of the five pillars of Islam. It legitimately hurts him, but he tells himself all the time “God will understand,” and make sure he gives to charity more than is simply required by Islam.

 Tunisian - The fifth most important identity of Reza’s, is his nationality. I thought it would be higher, honestly, like maybe second or third, but as I psychoanalyzed Reza more, I realized that while it was important to him, and that he’s proud to be Tunisian...it’s number five.

 Because Tunisia’s rejected him in a way. He can’t live freely in the country that he loves. He is Tunisian but Tunisia does not see him as part of her.

 I thought Tunisia would be above Muslim on his list of identities, but I’ve come to find out that apart from his most important identity - as Sabiha’s father - he feels more strongly about the identities were he finds community. He finds more community in being Muslim here in Swynlake than with being Tunisian.

 Demiromantic - So, honestly. Reza has never heard this word, he doesn’t know what it is. But he’s demiromantic, booooorderline aromantic. Like he’s not ace, he’s quite heterosexual, but he’s never...loved anybody. Like that. And never had a longing to.

 He has the capacity to - he’s not actually aro, but he’s not able to love somebody in that way unless there’s a strong emotional attachment. Reza’s never had an attachment that strong to somebody emotionally. Even with his daughter’s mother, he wasn’t even that close friends with her, they were just a sorcerer and fairy who had mutual friends and sometimes hooked up.

 He had few female friends in Tunisia that he got very close to. While attitudes toward men and women interacting are less conservative generally in magick circles, people still can raise eyebrows if single men and women act too chummy. So Reza’d only ever really had male true friends; and he’s hetero, so of course none of those strong emotional bonds turned to something deeper.

 Like, he finds it odd that he’s never really had a proper “crush” on a woman, but he just writes it off as “my life up until now was fucking wild, of course I didn’t have time for that.”

 Disabled - This is one Reza both isn’t fully aware of, but is also aware of and in denial. The bomb set off by anti magick extremists at a sorcerer’s wedding Reza attended that nearly killed him had left him with permanent effects.

 Before the attack, Reza made most of his money as a server, bartender, fisherman, or construction worker. Even after the nearly two years of surgeries, physical therapy, and re-learning to walk again, doing these things is now impossible for him. He cannot stand up for eight, ten, thirteen hour shifts waiting tables or slinging drinks. Standing for more than a few hours at once is extremely painful. Sometimes he’ll have pain flare-ups if he’s not even doing anything.

 He keeps thinking one day it’ll get better, that it’ll go away, but he’s coming to realize this isn’t going to change back to normal.

 POC - This is the identity that like, Reza always was aware of, but has only recently come to understand what it fully means. I’ll explain.

 Reza is a man of color...from a country populated by people of color. Of course he was aware of global white supremacy - Western European beauty standards, colorism, etc -, and he was aware that he and his sisters were a bit different than most of their neighbors, as they were half white Austrian, but like….eh. Lots of Tunisians with two Tunisian parents were lighter-skinned than Reza so.

 Prior to about four years ago, when he lived in Austria for medical treatment, Reza hadn’t ever lived a racialized existence. For the first almost thirty-two years of his life, his ethnicity and Muslim faith were two things that made him blend in, not stand out.

 It’s only in the last four years that Reza’s had to grapple with what it means to be a person of color in a predominantly white society -- because he’s from a society of other people of color.

[inyournightmares97]

TOMORROW TODAY SERIES (Masterlist)

Jinyoung Ver. (Part 1)  (Part 2)  (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (End)

Word Count: 2.4k+

Warnings: Strong language, discussions of prostitution, sex and other sensitive topics. Don’t read if shaky consent to sexual activities triggers you.

Summary: A road trip to your hometown results in a number of unexpected setbacks. Hopes and fears are revealed, while Jinyoung and Jaebum help you understand that life is difficult for everyone, and nobody ever really knows what they’re doing.

The silence in the room was unbelievably loud. You could only hear the thumping of your own heart. The sound of Jaebum’s soft snoring from across the room and Jinyoung’s gentle breathing beside you were inaudible to your thundering ears.

Jinyoung’s question had sent a sharp jolt through you. Why are we keeping secrets from each other? It took you a few seconds to overcome your own guilt and realize that Jinyoung had phrased it that way intentionally. It wasn’t why are you keeping secrets from me. He wanted to know why you were keeping secrets from each other, which meant that you weren’t the only one who had been hiding things.

“I’ll go first,” you whispered.

Jinyoung turned to look at you, wide eyes watching you calmly. You both loved and hated sharing your feelings with Jinyoung. He always gave you an intense look; the sort of look that made it clear that his entire attention was on you, and that he was hanging on to every word you said. But he never reacted. His expressions rarely betrayed whether he was surprised, or upset or angry. There was no way of knowing what Jinyoung thought about what you were saying, until you finished speaking and asked him what he thought.

“That sounds like a good idea,” he told you softly, when you remained silent. “I’m listening.”

“Money become… tight in college,” you admitted quietly, feeling a bit of shame. You never liked talking about not having money. Being poor was something you kept quiet about in Seoul, like some dirty disability. It affected everything; the friends you made, the people you hung out with… it was all determined by the amount of money you had. “I tried talking to my parents about it, but they wouldn’t really understand. They just sent me the bare minimum I needed to get by, but there are so many other things you need in a city like Seoul…”

Jinyoung nodded. He knew your parents. Spend only what’s absolutely necessary. They had lived their entire lives in a conservative village, so the casual spending culture of the urban cities was strange to them.

“I tried getting other jobs,” you whispered almost desperately. For some reason, you felt the need to justify yourself. You had denied Jaebum all explanations, telling him that your life was none of his business… but Jinyoung was different. You needed him to know that you had tried everything possible, needed him to understand that this was the only route available to you. “But none of them lasted. It was all minimum wage, and they took up so much of my time that I was left too exhausted to study and my academics started falling behind. My parents got my exam results last semester and they were mad, they said we sent you to Seoul to study, so why can’t you even do that and told me I had to quit the jobs or I was coming straight back home to help with the farms.”

Jinyoung sighed. He was only too used to hearing the regular threats that your parents made, saying they would drag you back to your hometown if you did something out of line. “So?” he whispered. “Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you call Jaebum-hyung?”

You stared at him. “What could either of you have done?”

Jinyoung blinked. “I don’t know. I would have tried to help-“

You shook your head, tears spilling out of your eyes. That’s what everyone said. Why didn’t you come to me? As if anyone would have done anything. “I didn’t want help or moral support,” you explained firmly. “I wanted money. It’s not like I was going to splurge on luxury clothes or live some kind of high life. I just wanted to be able to go out with my friends without having to constantly eye the bill. I wanted to not have to beg them to go to cheaper places just for me. I wanted to be able to go the club without having to calculate how much tax there is on each drink, is that too selfish?”

Jinyoung bit his lip and stayed silent. He didn’t know how to respond. True, he had been in a tight financial situation since he joined college too, but it was different from yours. Jaebum worked a full-time job and he was always willing to send him money. You didn’t have anyone to support you that way.  

You took a deep breath and shuddered. “My friend’s roommate was the one who told me about it. She’d been in the business for about a year already, and she told me about her agency. She said that they handed everything professionally, and they even treated college girls really well because they were looking for intelligent girls in particular and…”

Jinyoung blinked at you. “Agency,” he repeated softly.

You felt sick. “Yeah, it’s… it’s an escort agency.”

“I figured.”

“So I… I went and met them and they seemed really professional about it all,” you whispered. Jinyoung wasn’t saying anything, he was only staring at you. “They assured me of confidentiality, and they said I could clarify what I was okay with and what I wasn’t okay with beforehand, and that they would communicate all of that to the… the client. It all seemed really safe, I took all sorts of precautions, Jinyoung. I swear I didn’t just walk in there like an idiot. I even had pepper spray and a knife on me when I went to meet the first guy.”

Jinyoung was staring at you with large eyes. His lips were pressed together tightly and you could see how worried he looked; the idea that you had been doing these things without his knowledge terrified him. Had you seriously been going to hotel rooms with complete strangers, without any regard for your safety? What the hell was pepper spray going to do in the face of a man who might want to hurt you? He opened and closed his mouth and then took a deep breath to calm himself.

“Okay,” he whispered.

“And the money was really good,” you admitted quietly. “The first guy didn’t even ask me to have…. to have sex with him. He just took me to some party as arm candy and once he got drunk enough, he got wrapped up talking to his business associates and he sent me home in a cab. But I got my cheque through the agency and it just… it seemed like such a small price to pay for so much comfort? I didn’t have to think a hundred times before I bought something. I could go wherever my friends wanted to go. And it only took one evening. I no longer had to work long, painful hours for minimum wage.”

“How did Jaebum-hyung find out?”

You bit your lip. “One of my clients turned out to be a higher-up at Jaebum-oppa’s company. He saw me leaving with him at a social event and figured it out. Apparently the man had a reputation for bringing escorts around everywhere. Jaebum-oppa lost it the next day. He called me and screamed at me, said he was going to go the agency and force them to fire me. It took a long time to calm him down… that’s why things have been so tense between me and him. I’ve been avoiding him for months. He just won’t understand that it’s my life and my body to do whatever I want with.”

Jinyoung looked at you calmly. “You were a virgin.”

You rolled your eyes, knowing this was coming. “Virginity. What is that even? It seems like such a pointless thing to treasure. Does it matter whether you’ve had sex or not? Would anybody ever know unless you told them? I don’t know why this is something so dirty. There are men with primal urges who can’t find anybody to satisfy them and I’m doing it, for a price. Half of these guys aren’t as dangerous and rough as they’re made out to be, Jinyoung. One of my clients was a virgin himself, he was trembling the entire night.”

“These are men that are trying to pay for sex-“

You cut him off. “So? What’s the alternative? Men will do anything to get sex. Aren’t the ones who are willing to pay for it still infinitely better than the scum that try to rape women or sexually harass them without their consent?” you demanded. You ran your hand down your face and sighed, trying to calm down. “I know what’s bothering you, Jinyoung. Prostitution is a horrible thing. Most girls are roped into it at a young age, in terrible conditions and without the slightest idea what they’re being made to do. It’s awful. But I’m not like that. I’m making an informed decision, I’ve taken all the precautions for my safety.”

Something flickered in Jinyoung’s eyes.

“What?” you demanded. “You don’t believe me?”

“I think this is a decision you’re going to regret,” he whispered. Jinyoung took a deep, shaky breath as he sat up. He tried to look you in the eyes. “Do you want to know why I think that?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t… honestly, I don’t like the thought of you meeting strange guys in hotel rooms. You’re putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable position around men that are more powerful than you, and it would take them half a second to hurt you. You know that, right? He could make a sex tape and blackmail you with it, he could drug you, he could kidnap you, he could hurt you because you are the vulnerable one in the situation. Sure, these things could happen to you even if you weren’t in this business but you have to see that the risk is insane,” Jinyoung said firmly.

You nodded silently. “I know, but most of these are rich guys with reputations and sometimes, wives. They have a lot to lose; honestly, my keeping quiet is one of the most important things to them. They’re not likely to blackmail me with sex tapes when they have more to lose.”

“You could get pregnant. You could come down with a disease-“

“I’m taking precautions against those things, I’m not an idiot!”

“But it’s not even any of that,” Jinyoung said firmly. “All those things might or might not happen, but I’m going to tell you what is going to happen. You’re not going to be able to get out of this business.”

You stared at him. “Jinyoung-“

“You said it yourself, didn’t you? This is a shortcut to life. You’re doing this because it’s easier than having to work long hours for minimum wage. Can you go back to the long route once you’ve gotten used to taking the shortcut? Think for a second and tell me whether you really think you’ll be able to work in an office, five days a week for long hours just to get a monthly salary… when you know that you could make the same amount in a single night by letting a guy fuck you? Isn’t that where you’re heading?”

You had no answer to that.

“There’s a reason people keep committing crimes, and it’s not always for the thrill. It’s because once you’ve discovered a shortcut in life, it’s impossible to convince yourself that you still need to ignore it and take the longer and harder route. How long are you going to last in this industry? Another five years? Ten? It’s a sex industry, your value will drop the older you get. Then what? What about when you’re no longer considered attractive by these sleazy men? What will you do then? Your life is going to spiral out of control. You can’t make a decision without thinking about what lies in the future for you.”

You looked up at Jinyoung. His tone was soft, but his words were harsh and you knew that he was being perfectly honest. Jinyoung never sugarcoated things in situations like this. “Nobody can ever know what happens in the future,” you mumbled. “You said it yourself, you don’t know what lies at the end of the path that you’re taking. I could quit the agency once I graduate. I could get a decent job and nobody would ever know how I put myself through college. You don’t know what’s in store for me.”

“There are always things that are beyond your control, sure, but there are also a shit load of things that are in your control. Just because the world is unpredictable doesn’t mean that you can do whatever the hell you want and expect that things might turn out okay. Don’t be that stupid.”

You felt tears brimming in your eyes. “You don’t think I’m responsible enough to handle my own life?”

Jinyoung looked at you quietly. “I never said that. I’m saying that you’re being shortsighted about your decisions. We all have a blind spot when it comes to our own lives. Sometimes we need somebody else to come in and look at it from a neutral perspective, tell us what we couldn’t see from our point of view.”

“Is that why you didn’t tell anyone that you dropped out of college?”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened as he stared at you. Your words had shocked him, and you almost regretted spitting them out in such a harsh manner. It wasn’t his fault that he was being straight with you; you had expected no less from Jinyoung. But his constant attacking of your life choices had made you sensitive, and you suddenly felt the need to point out to him that he wasn’t the most rational decision-maker either. But Jinyoung’s face fell and his voice became quiet.

“How did you…?”

“I figured,” you mumbled. “It’s funny that you can sit here and tell me about taking the hard path when you couldn’t handle it either, Park Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung gave you a small, regretful smile. “I guess I’m a hypocrite, huh?”

You took a deep breath and leaned back against the pillow. Your heartbeat was thudding as you gave him a small smile in return. You felt exposed and part of you was wondering whether you shouldn’t have told Jinyoung everything. Yet there was a sense of relief… at least you weren’t hiding it anymore, at least now all your demons were out in the open. The worst was over for you, and you closed your eyes quietly.

“I think we’re all hypocrites, aren’t we? Tell me what happened.”

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

A/N: This was going to be much longer, but I figured I would separate all the discussions on prostitution into a separate chapter since it might be sensitive to some people and they may want to skip it.

I’m sorry that updates are so slow and taking so long, I’ll try to make them faster. Feel free to send me your thoughts and opinions!

2 more parts to the Jinyoung Ver.!

[thatblondeperson]

I don’t want to sound snippy but just as a reality check I just want to put foreword the like…. I’m trying to say this neutrally but “less than 7k to my name” doesn’t hit the way maybe you think it does? Having 1k in rainy day funds puts you in the American minority (44%) I’m not saying you shouldn’t have it or that your life or circumstances are not tough I just think human people generally assume everyone has similar circumstances unless it’s directly stated otherwise. Like I do it, I really think it’s human nature to do so. I don’t think your comment was additive to the conversation. I think everything you said was implied in OP’s description of the thing they found annoying, they KNOW all that, maybe even feel it too, and still feel a bit bitter because they don’t even have the chance

Truly, and I need you to understand this, it depends on what state you live in.

I live in California, the second most expensive state in the country. I make HALF of what is considered a comfortable wage in this state based on average cost of living, and my wages are still above minimum wage. It's suggested that Californians should make $34-$35/hour in order to live comfortably. Living wage is at half that which I think says a lot about why our state's homelessness population is so high...

The average cost of an apartment in my city is $2,100/month.

In California, having less than 7k means I am in a constant anxiety ridden state of financial uncertainty. I am one accident, one bad month, one bad diagnosis away from homelessness at all times. That "less than 7k" isn't going up very fast, it is crawling slowly and the day I hit 10k, whenever tf that is, I think I might actually cry.

But also like, hypotheticals. Let's say I had diabetes. Insulin WITH health insurance is still what, over $300? This can also change state to state, but that's a 30 day supply. 7k ÷ 12 = 583.

So 7k alone, would pay for just 13 months of insulin and after that, what? Because we're forgetting that housing costs, groceries, amenities, gas, whatever else is getting factored in, so it's not even 13 months. And am I bringing in enough to put enough BACK into my account so I'm never without some manner of money? Who knows. But health insurance isn't helping enough for me to feel extremely privileged in that scenario.

OP is considering that everyone with health benefits has some sort of privilege that exempts them from being allowed to complain about going to the doctor at all, and I merely shared my experience, but there are other people in the replies making extremely valid other counterarguments. There are a million reasons why people can/want to complain about going to the doctor, health insurance or not. There is a bit of privilege that comes with being able to have a job that has health insurance, or to be able to afford it separately from your job, I'm not knocking that on its own. But, to try to police that because you're a bit annoyed because you think that automatically determines another person's LEVEL of privilege is honestly such a narrow take.

Fat people may hate being told that all their health issues are just because they're fat.

POC may hate being overlooked because doctors don't always consider how ailments may look/manifest differently for them.

People with trauma/sensory issues/touch aversion/etc, may hate being poked and prodded at.

Women may hate being told that their symptoms are all in their head.

Trans people may hate being deadnaned or treated with awkwardness or hostility.

Poor people who have insurance, yes that's a thing, may hate the worry of how much of a dent this will make in their bank account.

People with anxiety or phobias may hate certain procedures because of the way it can heighten their other mental health issues and cause them to panic.

A person with multiple jobs may hate having to try to work their entire schedule around an appointment.

People with chronic conditions or disabilities may hate the frequency with which they have to go to the hospital.

Or, someone could just complain because they hate going to the hospital. Insurance or not, that's a pretty standard thing that people may hate.

If OP is upset, they should be upset about the systems in place that make you, me, or anyone pay crazy amounts for healthcare. No one should have to think twice about their bank account before going to the hospital. But health insurance is not the sutures OP thinks it is. At best, it's a Hello Kitty bandage for some, maybe a nicer bandage for others depending on their state's cost of living.

Maybe in another state, 7k is a crazy high amount, and right now, it gets me from point A to point B marginally fine with room for me to have fun. But that could change very drastically any day, and I know that. You telling me that 7k is some amount I shouldn't be worried about, isn't the hot take YOU think it is.

But sorry, I'll try to be less fabulously wealthy on main.

[diary-sc]

Janaury 25

04:42

A Little Motherly Context

I know this is extreme and I’ve already made two posts tonight but I want to dedicate a post to my mother specifically for a lot of reasons.

As I said before, my mother became poor and I was to live in a poor lifestyle along with her and my four other siblings. Within the apartments, there was cockroach problems, crumbs covering the carpets, and overall chaos. We had switched apartment rooms within the complexes of the one landlord we had. My mother gave up her bed so my sister and I could sleep on it instead while she slept on the three kid’s beds pushed together on the end. The bed we slept in had no cover, was covered in lipstick stains along with other questionable looking spots, and we practically soaked in food crumbs. Classy.

My siblings were always a hassle. The oldest half-sibling would throw large fits and throw all the toys down the stairs while screaming at the top of her lungs, the twin boy was a total crybaby, the twin girl was a complete sweet heart (I have hope for you, please don’t let me down), and my oldest sister also happened to be a giant crybaby about e v e r y t h i n g. There was never any peace in this household as there was always crying, screaming, or loud yelling.

My mother has a new abusive boyfriend every month. It is becoming impressive how persistent it is, but my sister did not take these instances light hearted and would have a breakdown just about every single week. I do not blame her though. When I was younger I would ball my eyes out every single time I was brought there by my dad. Eventually your emotions become null to this pain and it’s no longer a problem.

I find my mother quite hilarious, you know. The father of my three younger siblings had hit me rather hard on the back before as a method to get me to move out of the way (while he honestly could of just moved around). My mother had a freak out and called the cops (note to others: the cops won’t help you). There was a large red handprint on my back and nothing was done about it. She left his home for a while only to go back. This isn’t a new concept of course. She had always said “I’m going to focus on my children now. I care for you blah, blah” only to get a new boyfriend within the next two weeks of saying that every time. Eventually she gave up on that speech so at least she isn’t lying as much anymore.

It got worse with age. It came to the point where one of the boyfriends pinned a small child (I believe she was about 7 or 8 years old at the time) to the wall out of anger. My mother did not bat an eye while her young children were wailing and crying at the boyfriend to not hurt their sister. She has abandoned us while pretending like she cares time to time. I was used to this but my sister had a breakdown. My mother is broken and I have abandoned her as well. If you dare even shed a tear of my death, my dear mother, you should know where a lot of the fault lies.

It was not terribly long ago that I had given myself a stress fracture in my left foot. My father was in the room with me and the doctor had said that my blood pressure was a little high. My father took the opportunity to smoothly call me fat, lacking in diet, as well as exercise. This wasn’t the first time but it certainly does hurt. Eventually I was crying in my room (which is not a normal occurrence so it was a little unfortunate) when my mother had called me. She could tell that I was crying over the phone earlier and she acted like she was pretty upset with my dad for the comments that he had made. She gave me an entire pep talk and how my dad is a complete idiot for even making the comments.

You know what I did? I cried out of joy because in that moment I was honestly convinced that my mother loved me. What a fucking idiot. A 15 minute phone call cannot make up a lifetime of misery. You honestly think she LOVES you? She has chosen her abusive boyfriends over her children. She doesn’t actually care about you at all. It was a cute thought though. I wish I was one of those insecure people who just have bad thoughts about the situation because they’re insecure, but this is the reality of my existence.

I know it has come to her attention that I am trying to leave her behind and for that I can see why she tried to be a mother during my rare crying session. She has repeatedly tried bribing me with items and being nice to me whenever I am forced by my sister to go see her. I hope she doesn’t expect it to actually work because I don’t hold much value in tangible things anymore.

My mother’s nickname for me was either Bear or Half-ass. The last birthday I had spent there I was yelled at and forced to clean her house that I didn’t even live in. She gets money from the government for my EXISTENCE, yet I don’t see a single dime of it because that’s how it is. Recently she was able to get disability though. I like to think it is understandable as to why I don’t love my mother.

Just because your parents have birthed you, that doesn’t mean you’re required to love them. If your parents are complete dog shit, you don’t have to love them and nor do you have to see them. You aren’t required to talk to them or spend time with them. Why would you? Because they’re your parent? Wake up. Don’t stay around absuive people no matter what their title is concerning you. You know what happens when married couples don’t like each other anymore? They get divorced. Sure, you share the same DNA as these people but you honestly think that means something in a relationship? It’s not a strong bond unless you make it one. Leave while you can and if you can.

My mother and father did not love me so I definitely don’t feel any sort of obligation to love them back in the slightest. My parents are the reason why I am this fucked up so I seriously wish they were both dead right about now. Both of them are oblivious to their child. I was ignored my entire life. My dad was more intersted in his work and my mother only wanted boyfriends. My father had sometimes come home late after his hockey games to read me fables. I was raised on fables. He likes to pride himself in the idea that he did such a good job raising me. Sir, I want to kill you and people in general as well as myself. You have absolutely no idea how badly you fucked up.

[babyprime]

Annie Info Sheet

Name: Angel Guerrero

Nickname: Annie

Age: 27 (fo:nv), 33 (fo4)

Height: 6’0"

Specials: STR 4, PER 7, END 6, CHR 9, INT 7, AGI 6, LCK 5

Eyes: dark brown

Hair: black

Body type: Twunk

Status Previously: courier 

Status Currently: doing literally absolutely anything he fucking wants tbh. mostly mercenary jobs and settlement defense, but otherwise he’s a wild card 

Relationship Status: Married, dating every mlm in the wasteland basically

Spouse(s): Barrett, Hank, Nikos (@epicukulelesolo���s), Jessup (@cultofthepigeon’s), long-term affair with The King

Sexuality: Gay

Gender: Cis Male

Ethnicity: Latino 

Family: Manuel (dad), Anita (dead mom), K2-76/Jaime (synth clone) 

Languages: English, Spanish

Disabilities/Illnesses/Injuries: Schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type), brain damage, prosthetic right arm, chronic seizures+migraines, chronic pain from constant radscorpion poisoning and from cybernetic implants, light sensitivity

Scars: various battle scars from all the times he’s been shot and stabbed, surgical scars mainly along his temple and hairline from being shot AND from the sink autodoc, burn+schrapnel scars along his arm and right side from having his arm blown off

Physical traits: good cheekbones, constant smolder in eyes, Brow Game, thick hair, cant keep up with how fast his hair grows so the beard comes and goes and is completely unintentional

Voice: i honestly had something in mind but i always envision sterling archer when writing him 

Clothing: usually the Kings Outfit, but sometimes wears Pre-war Parkstroller Outfit or Memphis Kid. sometimes the version of the wasteland doctor fatigues that has the tank top instead of the t shirt that for some reason only girls can wear in-game

Fashion Style/Lifestyle: heavily greaser-inspired Fashion Gay

Weapon of Choice: Chainsaw

Skills: can talk anyone into anything ever, is WAY too handsome, talented at extreme violence, is either REALLY good or REALLY lucky and its hard to tell which

Weaknesses: Pretty Boys, money, alcohol, his own REALLY terrible life choices

Poor skills: medical and repair

Affiliations: The Kings, the boys, Novac

Former Affiliations: the NCR

Enemies: Caesar’s Legion, any raider faction, half the strip

Neutral Affiliations: The Followers

Religion: none, unless you count the god complex he gets often

Likes: alcohol, money, men, gratuitous violence, shitty little knick-knacks and toys for children, new weapons, all social situations, revenge, parkour

Dislikes: getting lost, being told what to do, stealing 

Hates: elitism, slavers, radscorpions

Friends: all the Kings members, the Garretts, Raul, all of Camp McCarran, Ranger Andy, Veronica, the McBrides, Arcade, Marcus, Red Lucy, Rex, ED-E

Acquaintances: many

Enemies: Caesar, Vulpes Inculta, Benny, those two slavers in Westside. doesn’t get along with Pacer but tolerates him for the King’s sake; angel is REALLY smug over the fact that he can get away with bullying him and others cant

Pets: his stupid little plastic dinosaur that he loves with his whole heart and carries everywhere

Fallout OC friends/family: OC husbands, JD, Mags (sort of, but is VERY afraid of her)

Personality: chaos boy! funny, overly charming, takes nothing seriously, can be kinda Extra. just like a complete wildcard that hits on anyone or anything that takes he/him pronouns. never thinks through anything he ever does and has really questionable morals. 

Favorite color: gold

_____________________________________

Other info:

he was way worse off before his Big Empty implants and is now more or less back to himself. he used to have like NO impulse control or working memory, and also he had like at least two seizures per week, but now he’s doing a lot better. still can’t remember all that much from before he got shot in the head

hes got a LOT of bfs/flings but its honestly because he likes to Hold Hands with and Get Attention From pretty boys and not really for the boning down 

[baek--honey]

1-50 bitch

well since u asked nicely how could i resist

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? paint/draw or the like, or knit maybe,

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own/owned? MY HOT MOMS SHIRT THAT I LOST ;n; also the big grey hoodie i have & a pierce the veil shirt i borrowed from my gf that im never giving back :)

4. How often do you play sports? never

5. What fictional place would you most like to go to? The Digital World

6. What job would you be terrible at? probably anything involving extensive memorizing and maintaining information for long periods of time. so basically a lot of things…… or maybe like. working at starbucks cos i cant make coffee OR remember lots of drink recipes omg

7. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning a medal for? playing kingdom hearts 2 on easy mode. i would have a good chance at winning because all the people that are good at playing kingdom hearts are gaming elitists that think playing on easy is for losers and if you dont play on critical mode you arent a real gamer :)

8. What skill would you like to master? making an omelet OR knitting

10. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? some out of town adventure with my girlfriend where money and time dont matter 

11. If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would you change and why? uh i’d like to be less haunted by my traumatic past maybe! or be a few inches taller that would be cool i feel like both of these are pretty self explanatory 

12. What’s your favorite drink? W A T E R or milk tea 

13. What do you consider to be your best find? my girlfriend 

14. Are you usually early or late? way too early. too mcuh time i dont know what to do with it

15. What pets did you have while growing up? hm lets see i had a couple turtles, some fish, i had a gerbil that i got from a friend, an african grey named solomon, boston terrier named Tiny, two white boxers named Floyd & Lloyd, a mix named Macy, 4 chihuhuas named Dude, Pooty, Flout & Chief, and now we have a cat named Schrödinger :~), oh and an amstaff/dalmation mix named EL

16. When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? anything and everything but never really asking for advice i guess? its more of them talking about a problem cos im easy to talk to and then me trying to help them come up to a solution if they need it

17. What takes up too much of your time? S L E E P I N G 

18. What do you wish you knew more about? cats!!!! also dogs cos i know a lot but i want to know more

19. What would be your first question after waking up from being cryogenically frozen for 100 years? why am i still alive?

21. Who’s your go-to band or artist when you can’t decide on something to listen to? seventeen or monsta x, exo’s LMR repackaged album

22. What shows are you into? the office, lost, honestly nothing thats still running on tv, i havent watched a show in forever, oh god wait does anime count cos i could write the longest list of anime i love: haikyuu, nge, digimon, noragami ,,,,,,

23. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? Seventeen (Hangul: 세븐틴), also stylized as SEVENTEEN or SVT, is a South Korean boy group formed by Pledis Entertainment in 2015. The group consists of thirteen members divided into three sub-units, 

24. What age do you wish you could permanently be? a dog mom & i hope i can make that wish come true

25. What would be your ideal way to spend the weekend? napping on and off in bed with my girlfriend and then going to town for sushi & milk tea and then uhhhhhhhhhhh coming back home to nap some more and then go out for noodles for another date :} oh and a dog would be involved if possible because cuddling dogs is best

26. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? physically writing and sending cards/letters in the mail i guess? i dont know if that really counts as doing something the old fashioned way but i definitely dont get as many cards or anything in the mail anymore. i also like to keep physical hand written to-do lists & schedules and stuff

27. What have you only recently formed an opinion on? how bad exo are at dancing  turtlenecks and scarves. they are good 

28. What’s the single best day on the calendar? october 10th my dogs birthday and also narutos birthday

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of? asmr??? 

30. What is the most annoying question that people ask you? “did u have a little lamb?” OR when my grandpa asks me anything about his iphone 

31. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on without absolutely no preparation? my dogs or seventeen. OR a half ass presentation about kingdom hearts, trying to explain it while getting around all the plot holes and not nailing down my arguments cos i dont really get it either and theres a lot i dont pay attention to but i could come up with 40 mins of info im sure

32. If you were a dictator of a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do? no waking until 10am. no crime or anything will be allowed ill figure out some way to make everything perfect so women can go out alone at night and not be afraid. no discrimination !! all the poc, lgbt, disabled, any minority  will be welcome and have safe spaces and any hate will be punished by law. also everyones allowed to have pets in their homes and no home goes without food or power. am i doing this right

33. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? travel out of your comfort zone. like physically travel somewhere and make the most of it but do it with someone cos the buddy system is important

34. What’s worth spending more on to get the best? jackets. i will pay up to 100$ for a good jacket and wear it forever cos itll be confirmed long-lasting and also most likely very comfortable!!!

35. What is something that a ton of people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point of? i just want to point out that its not that i dont get the point of it because everyone has their likes and i have my own that other people dont i like that people are into whatever they want to be its just that i am Not into it. and that thing is yuri on ice

36. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years? being able to wake up every morning next to my girlfriend and out pets :~)

37. Where is the most interesting place you’ve been? corning museum of glass was super neat……. , dollywood, gatlinburg, chicago chinatown, idk i havent been to many interesting places 

38. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to? i wana get a tattoo !!!!!!!!

39. What’s the best thing that happened to you last week? getting a job interview at barnes & noble because now i have a job there!!!

40. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind so that you could experience it for the first time again? diamond edge chicago

41. If all jobs had the same pay and hours, what job would you like to have? all i really want is that job where im paid to sleep 

42. How different was your life one year ago? tbh not that much different?? other than i was in school and now im not. i didnt have a job and now i do. i was a year further away from moving 

43. What’s the best way to start the day? talking to my girlfriend and also let me just say that first pee in the morning. perfect

44. What quirks do you have? what are quirks exactly i looked up examples to help me think of some but all im thinking of is…i cant have the volume on my tv or radio on an even number it has to be on an odd number??? i have to sleep with a fan on. idk dude

45. What would you rate 10/10? [MV] 몬스타엑스 (MONSTA X) _ 걸어 (ALL IN)

46. What kind of art do you enjoy most? abstract w lots of colors and shapes. geometric stuff 

47. What do you hope never changes? my ability to collect myself (unless it gets better which then i hope it does), my passion for art of any sort

48. What city would you most like to live in? anywhere except charleston and somewhere thats not extremely highly populated

49. What movie title best describes your life? Scooby Doo 2 - Monsters Unleashed

50. What’s the best way a person can spend their time? sleeping or hanging out with their pet

[nightcoremoon]

I have a pet peeve. op and second person: bullying is rooted in social bigotry including classism, xenophobia, ableism, and cisheteronormativity third person: and society hates fat people society doesn't hate fat people nearly as much as it does poor people, poc, mentally ill and disabled people, and everyone even remotely queer. I'm not saying it isn't a problem too but can you not tack yourselves onto pre-existing stuff and, I don't know, make new posts instead of latching into existing stuff that already got some semblance of popularity? being fat isn't like being black, homeless, crippled, autistic, gay, trans, anything like that. it can go away without extreme psychological repercussions. you can't just turn white, become upper middle class, regrow healthy legs, become neurotypical or straight or cis or any of that shit. the only thing that can even remotely be changed is the money issue, and that takes a LOT of hard work and luck. losing weight is doable. yes it's hard. and yes body image issues are tough to deal with and yes kids are dickheads to fat kids, but you've got it so much easier. fat acceptance is a lot easier to swallow because a lot of bigots are also fat. there are so many people who are able and willing to fight against fat shaming but side with the fundie pundits and white supremacy and misogynists and ableism, and I really don't appreciate it when things like what are depicted above happen. men have some actual hurdles in society. that's about it. people don't take abuse seriously if a man is the victim. people give a lot of shit to single dads of little girls whether they try to do feminine things for their daughters or not. men aren't allowed to cry or show affection or dress effeminately if they wanted to unless it was as a joke or something, and they are some of the biggest victims of body shaming. so maybe my inclusion of misogyny as an added example is not the best to include because whites and cishets and neurotypicals and rich people and non-immigrants and christians (or ambiguous atheists) don't have any shit they have to deal with based solely on the listed demographics. however, skinny shaming is a problem: that's the difference with fat shaming. if there's people being dickheads on both sides of the street, the problem isn't because you're fat, it's because your body doesn't match what society wants you to. and yeah, I get that there are a lot of health risks with being obese, and there aren't any health risks with being fat (wait a minute), and words can hurt you. but kids with learning disabilities, and black kids, and muslim kids, and queer kids, and poor kids, and disabled kids all hurt a lot more than neurotypical straight white christian kids who are fat. being fat makes it a lot harder for people of the demographics that have bigger problems (fat black people are often stereotyped, fat homeless people aren't taken as seriously because "hey it looks like you get enough to eat", fat gay people have a niche but it's not exactly a pleasant one, fat women are simultaneously oversexualised and treated like shit for not fitting society's ideas of being sex objects, fat trans people are accused of leading hedonistic lifestyles, but these aren't because they're people who are fat, it's because they're fat people who are those demographics) but honestly, america and other mostly white cultures eat so much more and exercise so much less than other cultures, and there's so many chemicals in what food we do eat, and there's so much more of it. corporations have definitely had their hands in this, but it's quite possible to engage in programs to alleviate weight. every ten seconds on tv there's a commercial for some weight loss pill or dieting program or exercise bikes, pretty much every single tv show has a fat character (and sure there are fat jokes at their expense but there are academically challenged neurotypical who have jokes at their expense and nobody's crying that there's stupidphobia rooted in our society too). there's representation and tools and group and all sorts of shit that you have access to. but if you're any of what the OP listed, you don't have that stuff. it's not that bad. sure it's still bad but make your own posts. yeah it should be said that clothing is a problem, and I totally agree that clothes need to have more work done for them, but until we're a full socialist government you're gonna have to pay more money for more fabric being used because that's just common sense. and god knows fat people's body image issues are nothing compared to trans people's body image issues, let alone how black & other poc are always being put down because of the attributes that make them beautiful in ways that western standards don't agree with, and also let alone poor people not having access to these tools because they're poor. it's not. that. bad. social inequality is due to race, class, ability, gender, orientation, religion, ethnicity, and mental state. not how much mass you take up. yeah I probably sound like an asshole but I have zero patience for people who compare their problems to people who have it exponentially worse off than them here in good old 'murrica. and doubly especially because I'm struggling with weight related body image issues myself. just make your own posts. I did. it isn't hard.

[whydidyoutakemeaway]

1. Describe the character’s height and build. Is he heavyset, thin, short, rangy?

I am a fucking tree, it’s ridiculous.  I have to duck to get into most places, it sucks. Recently I’ve gained a lot of muscle mass thanks to football, so I’m not nearly as lanky as I used to be which is nice.

2. How old is he?

Forty.

3. Describe his posture. Does he carry himself well or does he/she slouch?

I slouch because otherwise I bang my head against everything.

4. How is his health? Is he fit or out of shape? Any illnesses or conditions? Any physical disabilities?

I’m a bit of a health and fitness nut, so I keep myself in shape.  Plus I enjoy using my kids and husband as work out equipment.  You gotta have fun.  

5. How does he move? Is he clumsy, graceful, tense, fluid?

Oh, christ, I’m the clumsiest person on the god damn planet.

6. How attractive is this character physically? How does he perceive himself in the mirror?

I used to be hot when I had my long hair, now I look a damn 16 year old again, I’m not a fan.  Wally tells me I’m still hot though, but I believed him more when my hair was longer.

7. Describe his complexion. Dark, light, clear, scarred?

I’m a fucking ghost.

8. Describe his hair: color, texture, style.

This is just depressing and I’m not answering it.

9. What color are his eyes?

Green.

10. Does the character have any other noteworthy features?

My nose takes up half my face, but hey, my jawline makes up for it.

11. What are his chief tension centers?

Wally.

12. What is the character’s wardrobe like? Casual, dressy, utilitarian? Bright colors, pastels, neutrals? Is it varied, or does he have six of the same suit?

I like bright colors to trick people into thinking I’m not a rain cloud.  A lot of the things I own are bold and patterned because I don’t like boring, but there’s also nothing wrong with a plain white t shirt or band shirt which are a staple in my closet along with black skinny jeans.  I tend to be more on the dressy side because if you look good you feel good, but sweaters are also the love of my life, sorry Wally.  But it too.  damn.  hot.  to wear them here so rest in peace beloved sweaters.

13. Do his clothes fit well? Does he seem comfortable in them?

Don’t laugh, but I wear women’s jeans because they fit better, okay, leave me alone.  My pants are a second skin and that’s how I like them.

14. Does he dress the same on the job as he/she does in his free time? If not, what are the differences?

Oh, god no.  Like all aspiring musicians, I wait tables, so not the most fashionable career, and half the time I was covered in food because either I dropped something, or someone ran into me.  Please don’t be the asshole in restaurants who waves their arms around or slides back in a chair without looking.  Thankfully, they’re considering me for a promotion and hopefully I won’t have to deal with that anymore.  Also, thank god I can dress normally for tutoring.

15. You knew it was coming: Boxers, briefs or commando?

Boxers.

Speech 1. What does this character’s voice sound like? High-pitched, deep, hoarse?

I give Morgan Freeman a run for his money.

2. How does he/she normally speak? Loud, soft, fast, evenly? Does he/she talk easily, or does he/she hesitate?

I speak so low, softly and slowly that I literally put my kids to sleep just by talking to them.  It’s a blessing and a curse.

3. Does the character have a distinct accent or dialect? Any individual quirks of pronunciation? Any, like, you know, verbal tics?

Wally hates me when I do it, but I switch accents all the time.  I hate my New York accent so I’m glad that when the campus was in London I picked up the accent, but I’m also really good at mimicking accents and I’m determined to teach all of our kids how to talk with different accents.

4. What language/s does he/she speak, and with how much fluency?

I speak sarcasm.

5. Does he/she switch languages or dialects in certain situations? 

Like I said, I switch randomly, sometimes halfway through a conversation.  It’s fun to fuck with people on the phone.  Wow I’m an asshole.

6. Is he/she a good impromptu speaker, or does he/she have to think about his words?

I am a terrible impromptu speaker because I curse like a sailor.  I’m definitely not rated PG and I actively have to stop myself from saying fuck or shit every sentence.  I’m surprised my kids haven’t started cussing yet, but it’s gonna happen.  They’ve heard a lot.

7. Is he/she eloquent or inarticulate? Under what circumstances might this change?

I’m extremely eloquent, and I have a fake it till you make it mentality so I can ramble for as long as it takes for me to form a coherent thought that actually makes sense or answers the question.

Mental and Emotional 1. How intelligent is this character? Is he/she book-smart or street-smart?

Street smart and book smart, but the book smarts are not a god given ability and I work really fucking hard for my 4.0.

2. Does he/she think on his feet, or does he/she need time to deliberate?

Growing up on the streets of New York you learn how to think on your feet, you’d be dead otherwise.

3. Describe the character’s thought process. Is he/she more logical, or more intuitive? Idealistic or practical?

Is it possible to be all four at the same time, because I’m all four at the same time.

4. What kind of education has the character had?

I never went to middle school, that’s when life turned to shit for me and after elementary school I found the gang and actual school wasn’t really a thing.  Being sent to Walt four years ago was really the only schooling I actually remember and they started me back about a year because of that, so I was the old man of my graduating class.  But now I have a year at Stanford under my belt and it’s been absolutely incredible.  Stanford has truly been a blessing.

5. What are his/her areas of expertise? What, if anything, is he/she interested in learning more about?

I’m mediocre at basically everything I do, the only thing I’m an expert at is being an asshole and having the perfect sarcastic comment ready in the blink of an eye.

6. Is he/she an introvert or an extrovert?

I’m a hermit.  Wally used to threaten me that he’d send people my way and make them be friends with me.

7. Describe the character’s temperament. Is he/she even-tempered or does he/she have mood swings? Cheerful or melancholy? Laid-back or driven?

If I didn’t know better, I’d swear I had DID, because I never know what kind of mood I’m gonna be in, or which one of my different personalities (Princess Ollie, Hippie Ollie, Hermit Ollie...) will be ready to face the world when I wake up in the morning... Maybe I do have DID, I do have a lot of different personalities, holy shit now I’m scared.

8. How does he/she respond to new people or situations? Is he/she suspicious, relaxed, timid, enthusiastic?

I have really fucking bad social anxiety that is a fairly recent thing, it’s because of Walt I have it, I hate talking to new people, it’s honestly the scariest thing for me because I feel like I bother whoever I’m talking to.

9. Is he/she more likely to act, or to react?

Both, it depends.

10. Which is his/her default: fight or flight?

Fight.  I’m a lover and a fighter.

11. Describe the character’s sense of humor. Does he/she appreciate jokes? Puns? Gallows humor? Bathroom humor? Pranks?

I personally believe I’m the funniest person ever but Wally just glares at me every time I make a pun, which is a lot.  At least my kids think I’m funny.  My husband also hates when I prank him but I think my pranks are better than my puns.  It’s debatable.

12. Does the character have any diagnosable mental disorders? If yes, how does he/she deal with them?

I have social anxiety and PTSD, it’s quite the combination.  I’m literally terrified of talking to people.  And please, for the love of god, don’t call me Olliepop, I’m about to cry just thinking about it.  Some kid I tutor called me that one day and I had to cancel because my mind goes back to a very dark time and I’d rather not relive that moment over any more.  So unless you want me to have a panic attack and collapse into a puddle of my own tears, do not call me Olliepop.

13. What moments in this character’s life have defined him/her as a person?

Both times Wally fell on my, my mom’s coma, Wally’s coma and the whole Runt thing which is the reason I have PTSD, proposing to Wally, getting a full scholarship to Stanford and when we brought the kids into our lives.

14. What does he/she fear?

Everything, but mostly, becoming nothing.

15. What are his/her hopes or aspirations?  

I just want to be a husband and dad my family can be proud to call theirs.  I don’t expect football or music to go anywhere for me, but even if they do, the only thing that matters to me is my family and if they asked me to, I’d give up everything for them just to be there for them.

16. What is something he/she doesn’t want anyone to find out about him/her?

I don’t want anyone to know that I feel like I have no control over my life.  I feel like I’m constantly on the edge of fucking up everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life.  I’m just terrified all the damn time and I’ve forgotten what it feels like not to worry or care about what happens and just go with the flow.

Relationships 1. Describe this character’s relationship with his/her parents.

We do not have enough time to go into this roller coaster, but I’m the biggest fucking mama’s boy that has ever walked this earth.  Not a day has gone by that I haven’t talked to my mom, even when I thought she was dead, for the longest time I thought I was crazy because I swore I could hold actual conversations with my mom, even as far as hearing her voice, when she was gone.  I’m exactly like my mama, she’s my best friend.  My dad and I have been through a lot, but we’re good now.  He’s good to my mom and that’s all that matters, and we’ve gotten over what happened between us in the past, we’ve both apologized and it’s so nice to have a healthy relationship with my dad after everything.  God, I love my family.

2. Does the character have any siblings? What is/was their relationship like?

I have a baby sister and I haven’t met her yet, but I can’t say I’m one of those older brothers who couldn’t wait to meet their little sister, because honestly it feels like my parents replaced me, and because missed out on my childhood and raising me, I feel like they’re gonna have this bond with her that we never got and it’s actually heartbreaking...

3. Are there other blood relatives to whom he/she is close? Are there ones he/she can’t stand?

I literally know nothing about any of my family other than my mom and dad, all I know is that my grandparents are all assholes.  I guess that’s where I get it from.

4. Are there other, unrelated people whom he/she considers part of his family? What are his/her relationships with them?

The gang, god you all are as much my family as you can get.  Fagin, I miss you so fucking much, and it’s weird to think that last parents week you were here and we were having a juggling contest, which I won by the way.  Tito, Ethan, Rita, Dodge, Frankie, you all made me who I am today even if you weren’t there every step of the way and we have a lot of catching up to do, but honestly, I’d be nothing without you guys.

5. Who is/was the character’s best friend? How did they meet?

I just so happen to be lucky enough to be married to my best friend and he fucking fell on me twice.  Never gonna let him live that down, nope.

6. Does he/she have other close friends?

Hahahahahahahaha.  Me?  Have friends?  That’s funny.

7. Does he/she make friends easily, or does he/she have trouble getting along with people?

Wow I’m laughing so much, this is so depressing.

8. Which does he/she consider more important: family or friends?

This one’s a hard one... I think I’m gonna have to go with... family.  Why you ask??? Because I don’t have any friends! Wow!

9. Is the character single, married, divorced, widowed? Has he/she been married more than once?

I’m married as fuck and have been since I was five years old.

10. Is he/she currently in a romantic relationship with someone other than a spouse?

Do you know how hard it was to make one person like me, let alone love me?  You really think I could do that again??????

11. Who was his/her first crush? Who is his/her latest?

The asshole six year old who fell on me.  The asshole seventeen year old with a nice ass who fell on me.

12. What does he/she look for in a romantic partner?

Wally.

13. Does the character have children? Grandchildren? If yes, how does he/she relate to them? If no, does he/she want any?

Two perfect little babies, well one perfect one and one who hates me, but we’re working on it.  Me and Wally have forty eight more to go so hopefully at least one of them will like me too.

14. Does he/she have any rivals or enemies?

The world.

15. What is the character’s sexual orientation? Where does he/she fall on the Kinsey scale?

This is the only time in my life I can say I’m number one.  Wow, that makes me sound like a terrible husband.

16. How does he/she feel about sex? How important is it to him/her?

Christ, have you seen my husband?  If I could fuck him every second of every day you bet his ass I would.  Well, at least with cuddle breaks in between because I do have to get my cuddle fix in too.  I have a problem, I can’t keep my hands off of him nor do I ever want to.  

17. What are his/her turn-ons? Turn-offs? Weird bedroom habits?

Not giving Wally anything more to torment me with, god knows he does it enough already.

Beliefs 1. Do you know your character’s astrological (zodiac of choice) sign? How well does he/she fit type?

I am very much a Leo.  Let me list the ways: I like to think I have a big heart and am always willing to drop everything for anyone for any reason, I’m straightforward as hell and have no problem speaking my mind, and if you give me the chance to be I’m probably the most loyal person you could ever meet, there is no getting rid of my once I’m in your life, you’re stuck with me.  Also I’m headstrong and possessive as fuck, just ask Wally.  You can’t argue with me and you especially cannot even look at Wally for too long before I get upset because he’s mine and I’m all that matters.

2. Is this character religious, spiritual, both, or neither? How important are these elements in his/her life?

I’m both, and both are equally extremely important in my life.  I remember going to church on sundays with my mom when I was little and being so amazed with this higher power looking after us all, but when I lost my mom, I spent so much time being angry at that very god for taking her from me.  How could some almighty being do that to me?  How could they let all the bad things in the world happen?  I lost faith for a while until I started believing in fate and destiny and everything happening for a reason which is what my entire life has been based around, and I realize that now looking back I wouldn’t be here living the life I am if just one of those things happened differently in my life, and that’s scary as hell.

3. Does this character have a personal code of morals or ethics? If so, how did that begin? What would it take to compromise it?

Live a good, clean, healthy life and be someone you’re proud of; would ten year old you be proud of the person you are today?  All I want to do is make lost, scared, little ten year old Ollie proud one day.

4. How does he/she regard beliefs that differ from his? Is he/she tolerant, intolerant, curious, indifferent?  

I try, I try so fucking hard not to judge people, but I can’t help it.  Especially when it comes to smoking and drugs.  I had to watch my soulmate flatline because of that shit, so yeah, not the biggest fan of it or people who use them.

5. What prejudices does he/she hold? Are they irrational or does he/she have a good reason for them?

See above.

Daily Life 1. What is the character’s financial situation? Is he/she rich, poor, comfortable, in debt?

Not where I want to be, but surviving, and somewhat thriving.

2. What is his/her social status? Has this changed over time, and if so, how has the change affected him/her?

Like everything in my life this has been a roller coaster.  The place I am now is pretty much how it was when I was little with my mom, and it’s better than it was back in New York because at least I have a job other than pickpocket and an actual place on my own.

3. Where does he/she live? House, apartment, trailer? Is his/her home his/her castle or just a place to crash? What condition is it in? Does he/she share it with others?

I live in what Wally calls a tall person apartment, because I would never survive in anything else.  Our tiny apartment is my safe haven and forever my favorite place to be because I know my babies are always gonna be there when I get home.

4. Besides the basic necessities, what does he/she spend his/her money on?

I don’t like spending money, but when I do it’s on Wally and the kids.

5. What does he/she do for a living? Is he/she good at it? Does he/she enjoy it, or would he/she rather be doing something else?

I’m a tutor and a waiter, but hopefully for not much longer because I hate it, but I’m not particularly bad at it because I do get really nice tips.  God, I’d love to be doing something else.  I’m hoping something comes of that call to the producer because honestly, music is the dream.

6. What are his/her interests or hobbies? How does he/she spend his/her free time?

What free time?  The free time I do have is spent with my family because being with them will forever be my favorite thing to do.

7. What are his/her eating habits? Does he/she skip meals, eat out, drink alcohol, avoid certain foods?

I skip a lot of meals, but not on purpose, I just forget to eat a lot because I’m always busy, and yes I know that’s bad.  I also drink.  A lot.  A lot more than I should when I do, but I’ve been good lately.  But I’m such a happy drunk sometimes it’s nice to just be so fucking happy for once.

Associations Which of the following do you associate with the character, or which is his/her favorite:

1. Color?  

Orange and green.

2. Smell?

Cinnamon pinecones.  

3. Time of day?

Morning.

4. Season?

It’s a tie between fall and winter.

5. Book?

I like Dr. Suess books okay.

6. Music?

Rock and acoustic.

7. Place?

New York City.

8. Substance?

Gross

9. Plant?

A weed.

10. Animal?

Cat.