#being alive is a fucking chore and i'm so sick of it

[1eos]

Hi, just read your post about immigrant mothers ruining their kid's jobs. My mother is not an immigrant but she's asian and she cannot for the life of her be considerate with my previous job situation.

I earned 2k monthIy. It's quite low bc we're poor and I have to use half of my pay to support my family. So I decided to take this remote part time job for savings (not just for me but for the family also) and bc of that I am almost in front of my laptop 24/7. It's a report writing job and usually I would have 2 reports weekly to be submitted within 4 days.

My mother hated that I am always in my room doing work and would get so angry because "I listen to the employers more than her". She would make me do a lot of house chores when she knew I was tired from work just to spite me, saying that in the house I do the least chores???? Yeah bc I have a deadline to catch OMG.

Usually I would plan my week for the reports but then she would make me drive her for errands etc and would guilt trip me if I don't do so. Because of this I would stay up all night trying to finish the report just so that she won't throw a fit. Also, I have 2 other brothers who have a lot of free time but just for gaming, not for chores.....but somehow I'm the bad guy......which also makes me believe all asian mothers are "boy moms" but that's for another day.

The problem about these mothers is not because they don't understand their children. It's because they DO NOT WANT to. Because if they do, it means they have to listen/cater to you; not the other way around. They rather die than doing THAT.

first n foremost i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate that you're going thru this :(. it's truly thee worst to be sabotaged by a mother its truly so insidious and too many ppl in this day and age think its cute or like something we just have to suffer thru bc hey that lady gave birth to us and helped raise us. like the idea that GIRLS --bc they rarely if ever do this to sons--are literally put on earth to toil and suffer and serve their mothers, brothers, aunties etc until some man comes along and then u serve him w no thought or care for ourselves until we die is sooooooooo pervasive.

like its so sad that in 2024 you have someone purposefully going out of her way to sabotage your hustle :(((((((((((((((((( and i won't do the annoying 'just move out!' bc trust me ik how hard it is to move out right now!!!!!!!!! i will say i hope you maintain the strength and energy to persevere thru the sabotage 😐 you will win. misogyny will not win! m*thers who are mad that their daughters aren't just rolling over to be the family doormat. and its like? you'd think they'd be happy but that post partum jealousy is something else i'll tell you that

i still remember being a kid and my mom waiting until i was totally asleep to force me awake to put two dishes in the dish washer?????? and would be yelling and totally pissed off that im not standing at attention to do the dishes at 11pm 😭😭😭😭😭 bitch i was in literal rem sleep why are u screaming at an unconscious child? just lacking control or excitement in their own lives and take it out on their daughters its fucking sick

bc you're right lolllll its not that they 'dont understand' they deadass do not want to. which is why i don't believe in extending grace for bad mothers in a lot of these situations bc why the hell do i have to put myself in YOUR shoes and suffer disrespect always thinking about YOUR feelings when for the first 18 years you were the ONLY adult??? absolutely bizarre. i hope one day we can stop lighting up mothers for shit they can't control like crying babies or having to breastfeed and clock them for the way theyre cornerstones in keeping the patriarchy alive. and the specific bullshit mothers dole out and get away with it bc society expects total devotion to mothers especially from daughters like i need everyone to wake it up bc there's nooooo reason for a grown ass person to be sabotaging you like that! a lot of us are living in the house with our worst opponents and i hate it!

but bottom line? I AM ROOTING FOR YOU ANONNNN WE WILL MAKE IT OUT OF HERE I PROMMY

[strigital]

hey there, handsome beans. how are y'all?

bet y'all were wondering where tf Meg's gone again. to make long and complicated story short: a few physical illnesses followed by a severe mental crysis followed by more sickness followed by more mental problems. there was, among other things, an autistic breakdown which as we know doesn't go away easily. i will be severely honest with you guys. i do not know how i am still alive, given how horribly suicidal some of these days are. i suppose having pets does make a difference - no matter how selfish the suicidal ideation is it never manages to overpower the motherly need to love and protect these small creatures that so wholly depend on you not just for food, water and shelter, but for companionship as well… Belle, despite having only been out of shelter for like three moths, has been working her little butt off trying her damnest to convince me that i am needed: from following me everywhere like a shadow to crying like a child whenever there's a closed door between us… anyways, what was i talking about? ah yes… the horrific state both my mind a body ended up in. i honestly have no idea where this all came from. it was like one day it was sunny and calm and the next morning i woke up in the aftermath of a severe hurricane, ruin and corpses all around me. perhaps it was all brewing for a long time and i simply failed to notice the telltale signs. after all, there's no smoke without fire. there must've been a trigger. a final drop, a straw that broke the camel's back. sometimes it felt like a horror film, full of terrible thoughts and feelings that paralise you in a fetal position in the corner of your bed and keep you there hostage for days on end. some other days there would be flashes of unexplainable happiness that lasted barely a few hours and left you feeling panicked. most days there would be this prevailing feeling of numbness that wouldn't allow you to eat, let alone take care of daily chores. i've been having severe nightmares. i've plunged my body into a state of starvation. i've turned my home into a horror house of dirt and clutter. i'm failing behind in college and my boss at work is extremely unhappy with my productivity. i've lost ability to feel time: days muddle together, all i ever feel is a desire to sleep all the fucking time.

worst of all is that i cut contact with my closest people, among them - my dearly beloved husband, who still fights cancer on the other side of the planet, wondering where his useless wife gone. i've decided that it would be better for all of them, especially my hubby, to not see me in this condition. that the best i can do for them is to remove myself from their already busy lives and free them from any heartache i may cause, me being out of my mind and all. i did, however, used the very last of my strenght to reach out, to try and call for help… the suicide prevention line was a fucking joke that left me even more desperate than i was before i contacted them. i did, however, join a local autistic group on facebook and lurked there quietly, absorbing their experiences and sifting through for any sliver of hope. and i foud it. a doctor, who may just be the only specialist on adult autism in this entire country. getting an appointment with her was a small war in of itself. and she will cost me a lot of money… but as of right now i feel like she is the only person who can pull me off of the edge, before i tumble over and plummet into the abbyss. 29th of november i will sit my ass on a train and ride to another city to meet her. i pray to whatever will listen that she will take me seriously because neither my current psychiatrist nor my psychologist do. anyone i tried talking to these past two months on the matter of my crisis never offered me any help, only useless advice like "you should talk to a priest" or "have you tried reading a self-help book?". i'm drowning over here, karen, a priest and a book will only be of use during my funeral… the meds have become useless, even when i double or triple dosage.

most of all my heart aches for my husband. he tried calling me a few times yet i was too broken and lost in the dark to even have the courage to call back. i know i have no right to scream for help to a person who had been at war with a third stage cancer for almost three long difficult years. but i am teethering on the edge. i feel like that tiny hedghehog from an old soviet cartoon - lost in a thick fog, calling out for someone, anyone, looking for a way out. and the fact that no one understands or tries to understand hurts even more. the only one's who do are those anonymous people on facebook, fighting similar battles to mine. and when i read a letter from an anonymous mom who, like me, reached her breaking point and cut off any contact with her family in preparation for a final act and she only writes on facebook to find someone, anyone, to tell her what she truly needs and wants to hear in order to swerve off of this path of self-destruction i cannot help but feel an odd likeness to hope. i am not alone. but these people, those like me, simply do not exist within an arm's reach… god almighty, i so so hope the doctor will fix me. i am so tired waking up everyday with a desperate desire to die and walking all day with an invisible noose on my neck which only grows tighter every day.

i will go now and try to record a longwinded voice message for my husband… again. i will try my bestest to apologise, to try to explain, to ask for help. but how do you even begin to explain that your life so suddenly, so abruptly and seemingly our of nowhere became an open bleeding rotten sore, that only grows everyday, infecting more and more of your soul? i don't know. i never had this kind of crisis before in my life and, as if by some cruel divine joke, right now i have no family, no friends to turn to, beside my cat and my dog.

i will not ask of you to pray for me nor wish me luck. y'all have your own busy, messy lives. i only ask that you take care of yourself and your loved ones, so nothing like that ever happens to you or them. trust me when i say that no one will believe you, because this wound is invisible. they will tell you to feel grateful for having two arms and two legs and a roof over your head. meanwhile you will slowly rot away until one day they'll gasp: "how did this happen? they were such a happy person, nothing was wrong in their lives!" that's so fucking unfair, but it is the world we live in. and i know that oversharing like this on the internet is an incredibly stupid thing to do, but… i don't know. maybe another person with similar hardships in their life will read this and realise that they are not the black sheep of the human species and that shit like that happens to others too. i know this thought brings some very mild comfort to me, so maybe it will also brings some to them.

so stay strong, my beans. god knows i'm trying to. love you all and, hopefully, see you in the near future again with memes and stuff,

-- Meg K.

[little-froggie-enclosure]

Vent

Cw: chronic illness, ableism, negative self-talk

I factually know my worth exists beyond my ability to work and be productive. That these feelings will pass and that I can work through them.

But today, I feel utterly useless. I feel like I can't do anything. Like I'm a total burden on those around me because I'm sick. I feel people don't even really think I'm actually sick either. They don't don't see me with a cane or a crutch or a wheelchair, so it feels like people assume I'm taking it or just being pathetic. Sometimes I see myself that way- like I'm not really sick. Like I need to buck up because no one cares I'm sick. I feel like other disabled folk look at me and go "eww you aren't real, you don't have it rough at all, fuck off" because they can't see how it effects me.

I am sick. I am in pain constantly, like my nerves are trying to burn me alive. I can't think clearly a lot of the time. I can't eat certain things or I wake up in horrendous pain and brain fog. I can't even get up and load the dish washer in one sitting. I see chores I need to do, commissions I need to finish, an empty drawing book I want so badly to fill- and I know that isn't normal, that I am sick. I can't work full hours. My husband and I live paycheck to paycheck because anything more than three days has me in bed unable to do anything for days and days.

I'm just so tired of feeling so limited all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like I am alone in this. Like people are tired of me being sick and why can't I just feel better already.

The reality of being sick didn't really sink in fully for me until today, I don't think. I hate how fucking useless I feel right now.

[whumpcateyes]

Whumptober day 5

Sunburn(heatstroke)

FB and BB stand for fancy boy and bandit boy because these guys don't have names yet. Also, the end is hella abrupt because I hit my 1000 word goal and it was late so I wanted to go to bed

cw: I can't think of anything? Please let me know if I'm wrong, A guy gets heatstroke and then they drink gross water

They had been walking through the wasteland for days. More specifically, BB was walking, FB still couldn’t feel his legs. He was being dragged in a makeshift cart from the wreckage of the crash. BB refused to say anything, but his lips had become cracked, and the sunburns they both had were beginning to blister and peel under the unforgiving sun. 

“Start drifting right. There’s a rock about 15 feet ahead. I also see a building, it looks like a gas station, so we might be able to find a road to follow. Just keep heading right.” They’d both been screwed over by the crash, FB’s spine had taken some damage, rendering him paralyzed, and BB had probably taken a bad blow to the head and was blind, but they had a system. BB could walk, so he kept them moving, and FB could see, so he guided them through the wastes as best he could.

BB nodded, too exhausted for words. His throat was dry, and all the anger that had been driving him had faded into a dull ache in his head. He felt sick, nauseous and heavy. They had run out of food yesterday, and it was obviously starting to take its toll. He stumbled on the dusty ground.

“Hey, are you good?” FB’s concern was obvious, he scooched forward in the cart, tapping BB on the shoulder, “We can stop soon, you- you probably need a break, and maybe the store has water or something.”

“Fuck you.” Is all he growled back. He wanted so badly to be angry at FB for this, but he couldn’t. His crew had ditched him when the hover crashed, and he couldn’t blame the guy for crashing it. If BB hadn’t tried to impress the group by taking FB alive, none of this would’ve happened. Now he had to rely on this rich asshole to tell him where to go, he felt like a goddamn android. And the awful headache wouldn’t go away.

FB shut up quickly. Making BB angry again wouldn’t help. He had no doubt the bandit would take any chance to hurt him again. The pain had barely faded, and the memory was all too fresh. He had no choice but to rely on him for now, though. He couldn’t walk and BB couldn’t see, they needed to work together, as much as it sickened him to do so. 

The cart hit smoother ground, still covered in dust and debris, but paved now. The rattling of the cart quieted, leaving the pair of enemies to listen to the wind and chatter of the occasional animal that still managed to survive out here. BB was trying to find patterns in the sounds, not for any particular reason, just because he was bored. His legs kept moving, a monotonous pattern that had become second nature now, rather than a chore. Though he noticed he was moving slower, stumbling on small rocks, almost dragging his feet. He didn’t want to rest, the last thing he needed was FB knowing he wasn’t well, but without warning, his body seemed to make the choice for him. His foot caught on his other ankle and he pulled himself down, dropping the cart and hitting the ground. He couldn’t move, FB was saying something, but his ears began to ring too loud to make it out. His breath was coming in shallow gasps, feeling as though his insides were coated with dust. FB shook his shoulders. 

--

“Oh god- Oh fuck- shit shit shit!!” FB tumbled out of the cart as it was dropped, dragging himself to BB’s side. “Get up!!! GET UP YOU ASSHOLE!!!!” He shook BB’s shoulders, but the bandit didn’t seem to respond.

He looked around, it was bound to happen eventually. This was probably heatstroke, or dehydration. He felt BB’s forehead, it was hot and dry, sunburned to hell and back. “Goddammit-”

The only respite from the sun was the abandoned gas station, and that was still a good 50 feet away. Not long at all, but almost impossible having to drag both himself and an unconscious body with him. He looked at the cart, trying to gauge if it was good enough to get the both of them over. FB did his best to climb onto the cart, then pulled BB up with him. He leaned over the front, walking his hands to move them across the ground. It was painfully slow. 

The cart was heavy even without both of their weights, and by the time they reached the overhang of the station, FB’s hands were scraped and blistered, burning from the hot ground. The cart hit the shattered glass doors, too wide to fit through, so he did his best to drag/roll the both of them into the building. The shade was not nearly as cool as it needed to be, hot air drifted through the broken doors and windows, dust covering every surface. FB groaned aloud, exhausted and frustrated. He left BB for a moment, looking around for something of use. 

The shelves were stripped bare, the fridges were off and empty. There wasn’t even a register. One last hope, he found his way into the bathroom, hoping it had a shower for truckers, and that the water was, by some miracle, still working. He was almost excited to see the torn up shower curtain in the men’s bathroom.

It took a few minutes to drag BB into the shower, the only thing the bandit did to help was mumble a few unintelligible words. FB turned the handle as far to cold as it could go. Nothing happened. He leaned his head on the wall, “Dammit… god fucking dammit-” The pipes made a rumbling sound, cutting off his complaints. He sat in silence, hoping against hope that no one had turned off the water for this long abandoned spot. It almost felt like a miracle when the first drops of warm water dripped from the nozzle. They were gross, ruddy red and carrying a metallic scent from sitting in the pipes for years. But it was water. FB didn’t dare try to drink it, instead he put his hand in the way, feeling the temperature. It started almost uncomfortably warm, but as the stream got stronger, it cooled and cleared somewhat, though the smell remained.

He lifted BB’s head under the water, the bandit soaked for a few moments before startling awake, spluttering. “Gggha- FUCK-”

He swung a fist backwards at FB, elbow connecting with his nose. “AGH-” he grabbed his face and fell back. “YOu ASSHOLE!!!”

They devolved into a struggling mess for a few moments, FB trying to keep them both in the showers. “Dumbass! I’m trying! to help you!!”

The water was decently cold now, and after a few more seconds of fighting, BB sighed contentedly and stilled, letting it wash over him. He started to open his mouth, but FB quickly slapped a hand over it.

“Don’t! No way in hell this water is safe to drink.” 

BB did his best to glare in FB’s direction, frustrated. He pulled the hand away. “There’s hospitals when we get to the city. And If we don’t drink, we die. I’m fucking thristy.”

FB didn’t argue, he couldn’t help but be tempted by the gross water. They hadn’t had anything in days. He gave in, they drank it, the metallic taste reminded him of blood, but there wasn’t another choice. They were lucky there was water at all. Despite how bad it tasted, it was heavenly to their dry throats.

….there was definitely lead in those pipes.

[troglobite]

lkajsdf

oh my fUCKING. GOD. I'M SO FUCKING TIRED.

"the air filter in the fridge needs to be replaced"

[angrily and as though i've asked the world of her in 10 seconds flats] "okay, i'll take care of it TODAY"

???????????????

"i'm literally just passing along information. the door alert is in tiny font and it's hard to read so i didn't know if you'd see it, and i JUST saw it, so i was LETTING YOU KNOW. THAT'S IT."

i got upset abt the vacuum being difficult to work with and i was asking A SPECIFIC QUESTION and INSTEAD OF FUCKING ANSWERING she just asked me REPEATEDLY what i'm trying to do!

CONTRARY TO YOUR POPULAR BELIEF, I DO ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO USE HOME CLEANING INSTRUMENTS

THIS ONE IS NEW AND IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT AND IT'S MAKING ME UPSET SO I'M ASKING A VERY SPECIFIC QUESTION TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING COULD YOU JUST ANSWER IT

then of course she did my favorite thing

she jumped shipped to a completely separate thing that i wasn't thinking about

she KNOWS that i am COMPLETELY FUCKING OVERWHELMED as my base status right now and she did the ONE THING THAT FUCKING ALWAYS OVERWHELMS ME: asks me a complicated question while i'm DOING SOMETHING ELSE UNRELATED.

so i tell her just to hang on and let me think

AND INSTEAD OF LETTING ME FUCKING DO THAT

she walks away to retrieve SHIT THAT I DON'T NEED and says "here are three options which one do you want"

I DON'T KNOW! BECAUSE I'M DOING SOMETHING AND I'M TRYING TO SWITCH GEARS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION AND MOVE ONTO THE NEXT THING!!!!

"okay i'll just leave them here"

gREAT thanks i'm SOOOOOO FUCKING GLAD that you did that FOR NOTHING because AS I WAS TRYING TO SAY i needed to figure out if i even needed them at fucking all

and now! turns out! I DON'T NEED THEM!!!! WHICH YOU WOULD'VE FUCKING KNOWN IF YOU HAD JUST FUCKING WAITED FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES

i WAS going to hang my pictures and build a piece of furniture today and possibly hang my curtains so i can be NOT FUCKING MISERABLY HOT in my room EVERY FUCKING DAY but no, i'm not going to do that anymore.

i'm a little tetchy and she is MONSTROUSLY ANNOYED WITH ME. i refuse to fucking deal with that.

yesterday she got fucking angry at me because i made a joke abt how she NEVER says "bless you" to me when i sneeze. turned into an entire fucking argument with her acting like i'm INSANE for saying it and she tried to ACCUSE me of being awful for it bc i'm not religious and it's a religious saying??? WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING POINT???

i'm tired, burnt out, overwhelmed, hot, miserable, in pain and uncomfortable 24 FUCKING 7, and i just wanted to do some chores today. i got frustrated and confused about the vacuum and now i'm just the world's worst person.

i'm so fucking sick and tired of her taking it out on me just because i'm the one who lives here.

i'm tired of being the worst thing that ever happened to her.

i'm tired of everything. i don't want to be alive.

every time i start crying, all she sees/hears is my aunt, who she fucking hates and has ptsd from.

every time i'm disabled and need help, all she sees/hears is my grama, who's stubborn and difficult and won't help herself sometimes, and who's really dependent on her--and who still is despite living with my mom's brothers, now, isntead of a house my mom owns.

every time i make a neutral observation or comment or joke, all she sees/hears is my dad being manipulative and judgmental and distrustful of her.

every time i argue or mention a technicality, all she sees/hears is me being condescending and judgmental instead of just neutrally offering information that, if i'm wrong abt, i will happily say "oh whoops i was wrong"

everything i need or feel or think or say just makes her think of someone she hates, whether or not it's fair at all. but she thinks she has ALLLLLLL of her trauma under control--and more than that, that she's not traumatized at all.

meanwhile i had a full fucking nervous system meltdown without any psychological input or Feeling from me at the mere MENTION of having to be alone again for any stretch of time, proving that this summer fucking traumatized me, and all that happened was i was alone for weeks in a house filled with spiders. that's it. that's all that happened. and the mere THOUGHT of being alone again in this house made my autonomic system go into fucking panic/meltdown mode. it happened literally right in front of her and i said, through tears, "i'm not emotionally freaking out, this is happening without my input, all that happened was i thought abt being alone again" i literally narrated it for her and said "it's fine, of course you can go to oregon for a long weekend, you should, my brain got so scared i would be alone for another week again, that's all"

but she thinks she's not traumatized by 1. 20+ years of an emotionally manipulative relationship with someone who had his own unresolved trauma 2. having to care for her also kind of manipulative deeply stubborn and difficult mother who physically abused her as a child including bathing her and changing her diapers for weeks 3. being abandoned by her siblings to care for their mother and their adoptive sister who's mentally ill, has TBI from childhood, and multiple addictions and damage from those addictions, and her young son.

somehow she thinks she only RECENTLY acquired trauma from my aunt, and not over the last 10+ years of this shit.

and there's literally fucking nothing i can do but sit here and be a punching bag and be treated like i'm the worst person on the planet

and then when i FOR LEGITIMATE REASONS feel that way, again, all she sees is my dad emotionally manipulating and abusing her.

literally the other night i sat down w my dinner and went "ah shit i forgot the A1" and she goes "//sigh. okay."

and. STOOD. UP???

i just fucking LOOKED at her fucking BAFFLED. i literally said "what are you doing?"

and she goes "i'm getting the sauce for you. it's easier for me to get up, anyway. and i could get some water."

and i had to say "just to be clear i was going to get it myself, i literally did not ask you to do this or even remotely expect you to."

and she just. fucking did it anyway.

and she does this ALL THE TIME. case in fucking point, when she left and grabbed 3 of something for me THAT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE SURE I EVEN FUCKING NEEDED

i did not ask her to

she jumped the gun

she didn't listen to me

she didn't respect the fact that i needed to think

she just DID IT and now i don't need them

and she's going to RESENT ME for it

even though I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK HER TO DO THAT

literally those bullet points on the list of things i wanted to do today that i shared w her? they have QUESTION MARKS. BECAUSE I WASN'T SURE. nothing else has a question mark!!!!

FUCKING STOP RUNNING AT A MILLION FUCKING MILES AN HOUR. STOP ASSUMING I'M AN EVIL MASTERMIND WHO EXPECTS YOU TO DO EVERYTHING. JUST FUCKING STOP.

it's fucking MADDENING.

i wish i was fucking dead so she would deal w her shit instead of putting it all on me and acting like she's fucking fine. i'm tired.

all she sees me as is someone who embodies and encapsulates everything she hates about everyone else who's hurt her.

and we've had normal arguments and ups and downs and growing pains, but holy fucking SHIT. i haven't DONE those things to her! i'm not responsible for them!

i'm not my aunt or my grama just bc i'm mentally ill & disabled. i'm not my dad just bc i Experience Emotions and look vaguely like him. i'm not my brother just bc i share information or occasionally correct something.

i'm my own person w my own fucking flaws and problems and i'm tired of sitting here with this fucking knowledge abt how she treats me and she won't ever reflect on it or care.

whenever she gets depressed and in a bad mood, i'm the punching bag who represents everything and everybody she hates in the world and she doesn't even realize it.

what the fuck am i supposed to do with that? it makes it so i can't ever have bad times or be doing badly. when she's like this it's literally like i have nobody in the fucking world who gives a shit and can help me.

it's like literally no one on planet earth understands me or cares.

and i'm just. not worth it.

my jokes are mean, everything i say and do is judgmental and/or condescending, i'm selfish, i'm lazy, i'm awful. i'm dead weight. i'm worthless. i fucking get it. i'm not worth knowing, i'm not worth supporting. i'm not worth the effort it takes to look at your own shit and stop hurting me. i'm not worth a fraction of the effort i put in to try to not be awful to everyone around me, to try and grow as a person.

but i just don't even have a clear image of who or what i am because no one around me knows or cares or sees me as anything but One Thing or the same as other ppl and they don't investigate that at all.

literally had a friend who said she walked on eggshells around me when i would get upset--just like she does with her sister. meanwhile, i coludn't understand why she thought that of me. i literally asked, we had a normal conversation abt it. but at no point did she realize that comparing me to her sister was her OWN fucking problem. i don't have unmedicated bipolar disorder. i don't barge into her room screaming at her. i would get mildly upset and use swear words for dramatic or humorous flair. and at no point did she ever express any discomfort with it.

but also at no point did i give her or anyone else any reason to walk on eggshells around me. and what's fucking crazy is i explicitly asked for them to just ASK ME what i wanted or needed or how i was doing.

and nobody ever did it. they never asked me any questions like that, even after that.

ppl take their shit and put it on me and i'm just supposed to deal with it because I'M the asshole if i suggest they go to therapy or make that connection FOR them.

but i can sit here and make the connections btwn my trauma and bullying growing up and how my friends are behaving, and logically go "this isn't the same thing, but this is why i'm so upset and hurt by it" and try and communicate abt it while setting that trauma/baggage aside bc otherwise it's deeply unfair.

but no one else will do ANYTHING of the sort for me.

i am just the blank slate upon which they project all of their hatred and unexamined trauma. and that's all i'll ever be.

it's impossible to feel like a person, like a full person, when your disability and the pandemic shrink your world to nothing, and then your disabilities get WORSE and your world shrinks EVEN MORE (typing this is killing my hands, but what the fuck else am i going to do? i don't have anyone to talk to, and even if i did, it would still be typed), and the only ppl around you project their own shit onto you instead of trying to see you as you are.

i'm not perfect i don't see it all there's shit i do and feel that's definitely based in trauma that i don't have a full grasp on, and it took me weeks and happenstance to make the specific connection btwn my bullying & childhood trauma to how my friends were behaving and why it felt So Fucking Bad.

but i'm just. not worth any ounce of that effort in return. not even when i point it out or ask for things or lay things out. nothing changes. there's no discussion. i'm tired. i'm just simply not worth any of this. i'm not worth it. i'm not worth any effort. i'm just not.

and the fact that i'm effort always, regardless of what it is. like fucking christ alive. it's dirty, shitty, lousy work. and no one wants to do it.

and my therapist wants me to do dating apps. my mom's only suggestion to me is to find a partner.

doing that is literally the site and source of like 80% of my fucking trauma in life. there's a fucking pandemic. i'm in the middle of trying to figure out everything medically wrong with me so i can NOT be in CONSTANT PAIN. so i can maybe NOT be 500% burnt out every fucking day of my life, now.

but yeah, let's do the thing that distills down all of the social stuff that has ever traumatized me in my life and expose me to more trauma.

i'm sure my therapist is still pissed at me for not switching to the one she vetted for me. i legitimately had $80 at one point this week, and then i got lucky--got a tax credit & a pay check in the same week. and this new therapist is more expensive than her. and i'm not opposed to switching. but i'm just literally so exhausted.

i wanted to do so much today and now my mom is just. primed and ready to be mad at me.

she found out the thing she has is only a screwdriver and not a drill, meanwhile weeks and weeks ago i told her, don't we need a drill and not a screwdriver to hang my curtains? she said no it's fine.

now here we are, and lo and behold.

but don't worry, i'm a childlike idiot moron dipshit fucker who's worthless and lazy and stupid and doesn't know anything, like how to use vacuums.

what's the fucking point of anything

[notumarsh]

So today's one of Those™ days, huh.

(tw below: mental health, unaliving -mention of- )

I woke up, took one look at the outside world through the window and my brain (and body) just went "nope. can't do this today".

"this" is being alive, existing and functioning human. I just couldn't.

I sent proper notice about my absence from uni (my course requires me to do so), went into my healthcare app to apply for a sickness day, even told my employer for tomorrow that I probably won't make it (bc ik myself and this won't go away in one day).

I'm filled with so much guilt and shame and anxiety, my whole abdomen is pounding with pain. It's my best friend's bday today god fucking hell. I don't wanna do this today I DON'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TODAY. and I... I was doing so well. I was happy about going to the uni finally, being at work, and being busy. I was getting most (if not all) my house chores.

The shame and pain of being so fragile is keeping my eyes peeled open. All before 7 AM.

I wish I could go back to sleep but I don't think I can, everything hurts and I feel as if suffocating. I hate the fact that I'm like this, that it just takes one second for me to be an absolutely useless piece of shit.

The amount of shame, anger and anxiety are making me shiver but it. it doesn't "penetrate" onto the world outside of my skin, I'm shaking like a leaf but to anyone I would seem stable and fine.

I felt something was off yesterday evening, I couldn't bring myself to do any house chores (which, as mentioned, I was doing pretty well with lately). I thought it was just tiredness but who was I kidding I'm ALWAYS tired.

Ugh anyway I'm sick of even keeping on writing this. Like bitch shut up already.

I'm off to try and get a shut-eye.

[peachesnabsinthe]

**Tw/cw for suicidal ideation, dissociative episodes and chronic illness, please scroll past if these topics make you uncomfortable**

I'm having one of those days where being alive is just exhausting. I've been feeling very disconnected from everything and everyone lately (even my partner/best friend which is heartbreaking). Maybe it's just how my grief is progressing. I've been struggling with a lot of guilt. I tiptoe around the house even when I'm home alone. I'm waiting for someone to tell me how much of a piece of shit I am, how I can never do or be enough, how I'm lazy or a brat, selfish, and infant-like.

Everyone keeps telling me to stop focusing on money and chores and just focus on my health. But my current healthcare team never responds to my messages. Some days I can barely clean or walk the dog, which makes me hate how my body looks and feels even more. I'm too scared to eat most of the time, and when I do I feel terrible (mentally? Disordered eating just makes everything worse doesn't it). I do the same thing everyday, I'm no longer inspired to do anything, and I've completely lost my softness. I'm tired of everyone's facial expressions changing when I tell them the truth. You asked how I feel, why the fuck would I lie about that? "Oh gee, yea I feel SO great. My physical health makes me feel like an 80 year old woman and my brain is wired for constant threats and danger even if it's not real. I look forward to the day when humans finally kill each other off, and look! The news! Omg I LoVe all the things happening in the world right now, especially with healthcare and all the struggles everyone is dealing with (unless you're rich, straight and white) and how children can't even go to school without worrying about their brains being blown out. By the way, how's your dog Lisa???" \⁠(⁠๑⁠╹⁠◡⁠╹⁠๑⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠♬

I was told that I've been coming off as more "aggressive" lately. And yea. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. And I'm exhausted. And I think a bit lost. I genuinely have nothing to lose. I was a misanthrope before, why would that fucking change if I'm not able to work anymore??? Because I get to stay home and be a cute little s1ck Grrl???

A major part of me wishes that I didn't have a support system. Because I would have chosen a long time ago to die, but I would hate to disappoint them. And I know that it's mostly just my sick brain trying to get myself to self-sabatoge but damn.

[crazylil-lion]

Anyone else genuinely scared to look at themselves in the mirror?

Like not only because I hate how I look but because I don't recognize the thing standing before me.

It doesn't feel real. How could that be me?

I look myself in my eyes and I see someone else.

Empty, dead eyes, a sadistic grin. The part of me that knows no matter how much I try to drown it out with lorazepam. With loud music. With games. With anime. Multitasking until I'm dead to avoid the fucking monster inside me.

When I look into my eyes in the mirror I see the demon before me and I get sick. Thoughts of all the things I've done wrong, things I could have done better. People I could have helped and given more to flash before my eyes.

I don't recognize myself because the truth is who I am died years ago in that house.

My personality was destroyed my life turned meaningless.

All that mattered was being enough, giving more and more. Asking for as little as possible.

Get love based on how much you do.

Its funny. If 4th grade people wrote notes about the favorite thing they enjoyed about each of us.

I had so many nice comments. How sweet and kind I was. How bright and bubbly I was. How I use to brighten rooms up and make people smile.

I think back and i remember going to school pretending everything was okay.

Pretending that I was okay.

Over those years 9-15 everything about me was destroyed.

Befoee that age it was bad. The screaming. The fear the pain. The threats.

But it didn't really hit me until I was around 10.

Thats when the fire nation attacked( jk😂)

Anyway. Thats when it got worse. The abuse got worse. My presents always being stolen. Literally if I was called for I had to drop what I was doing and go. That second. If I didn't they would scream. Come pound on my door. Drag me out by my arm. Scream so close I felt their breath.

Spanked or slapped. Or just threatened.

I did the chores. Most of them. I kept my siblings from crying or it was my fault.

The only escape I really had was weekends with dad but he would just dismiss moms actions. Dismiss my words tell me to just be strong because I was the only one that could be there for them. He tried his hardest still does working 80 hrs anychance he gets to support moms lazy ass.

I was blamed for so much. I changed my hair color to pink when I was 10 and I got screamed at. Told I was unlovable. A freak. People would make fun of me. No one would ever wanna date me. I was forced to skip school the rest of the week so they could change it back.

If they hit me and I cried I was told to man up before they gave me a real reason to cry.

I've never really had support. Or someone who unconditionally loved me.

All ky relationships where me giving everything to get barely anything in return.

My one good relationship ended basically overnight.

Everything was great she was going to come see me some times soon or I see her.

I tried to spend time with her she kept hanging out with her friend, whoch I was like, okay, np we got all the time in the world. Then a few days later she wants to have phone sex after I worked all day its like 830 and the walls are so thin I hear the group of people in the room next door.

I say I really didnt feel up to it bc I was tired and I just wanted to talk.

She blows up saying I don't ever do anything with her after staying at a friends for days.

That everything changed when I moved bc I was busy.

I begged for her to support me. Saying its hard after moving from my siblings. The only thing that kept me alive for years.

She left. Within a week it was over she was gone. Didn't respond. Said she wanted space and went and got into another relationship like a week or two later. And that was it until her relationship went bad and she talked to me again.

The one relationship that I thought I mattered in threw me away basically in days. Moved on and barely talked to me after multiple bad relationships.

Really I just wanna be noticed once. Everyone talks of their stories. Their relationships. Getting hit on.

I'm here like yeaaa everyones basically treated me like shit my whole life.

I just can't relate.

To their lives.

To being able to live as children.

Ive missed out on so much for so long. All I've wanted was love. Romance. The cheesy shit. Flowers. Smothering eachother in kisses. Cooking together. Talking about our day's.

Its all I want.

I want to know a safe warm embrace.

I wanna know what its like to be chosen and wanted.

What its like for someone to try for me. To think about me.

I wanna matter. I'll do anything. Give them anything. Treat them like my goddess. Worship them build them up. I just wanna feel fucking safe. Have someone proud. Have someone want me. Want to have romantic cheesy shit.

The truth is I'll never be able to love myself without intimacy or affection.

I was starved of it. Idk what its like to be held.

I can't love myself because my family only loved what I could provide. Not me. Me was pushed down. Broken and abused.

I wanna kill myself because I don't think I'll ever have that love. That safety. Someone I can open myself up to. Show all my scars and have embrace me. I just want to feel loved and wanted. I want to kill myself because im tired of pain and suffering. I'm tired of trying my hardest when it feels like multiple people trying to smother me. When I feel like theres a hurricane in my mind.

I wanna kill myself because honestly I feel its the only out. To a peaceful quiet empty place.

I place I don't have to hurt anymore.

I'm not surprised no one wants me though...

I'm just this ugly thing. Not masc enough for most girls. Not feminine enough for others.

Not cute.

Too shy.

I'm just not someone worth noticing and thats okay.

Just try to smile and enjoy pretending to be part of a group. Part of the peoples from works friend group.

Be the person that lifts others up bc thats the only way anyone will keep me around. Is if I'm useful and helpful. Kind and polite. Friendly and understanding.

People will only keep me around if I try my hardest to please. If I give everything and ask for nothing.

I'll never be loved or wanted any other way.

So I'm done.

I'm ready to go.

Let me not awake from my sleep.

Let me rest in peace.

[finsterhund]

Canada fucking Post rang my doorbell and apparently tried to deliver a neighbor's package to my house.

I cannot fucking believe this. I have dyscalclia and I know the difference between numeral digits for fucks sake. No wonder they fucking lost a package earlier this year. God. I'm excitedly waiting for the things my friends sent me and my own little present that I got giftwrapped "from Cazza" and I hear the doorbell and it's someone else's package and now I'm worried that this has kept happening and my neighbors are all losing packages.

Some good news is that the government is potentially unlocking my roommate's bank in a few days? But he needs to fucking pay off his taxes. It's bullshit he owes them so much and fuck the government but shit sucks. I'm just relieved it's going to be less of my problem as selfish as that is. But maybe I can afford to be selfish all things considered.

I'm still really mad tbh. Taxes are such a stupid thing. Forced to pay to exist in a country you never consented to being born in.

If it were up to me blah blah blah sovereign citizens cave man hunter gatherers bigfoot blah blah blah we get it Andy.

So I need to let off some steam. I'm not really sick anymore just sore throat still. My stomach hurts real bad from stress though. I've still gotta be a money mule for a few more days but if anything that means I get to to outside and to places. I like going to places. It sucks though because my bank is currently in overdraft so every time I use it I'm charge a 5 dollar fee. I really need to go in to the bank and ask them to change my overdraft plan so I'm charged once a month rather than once every day I use it.

No relaxation for Andy. Worst time of the year.

Part of me hopes I die in surgery at this point if I'm being brutally honest. It just feels so pointless to keep trying.

I need to refill my meds too soon and I have blood work early January.

Humans are supposed to depend on each other to survive that's how we evolved to look after each other but I constantly feel like I'm a liability to everyone else and that everyone in person around me is a liability to me. No support network. I should fucking be used to that but it's so antithetical to the human experience I guess I never will.

Miss Cazza so much. If she didn't have cancer she could have passed the public access test and gotten certified and we could have maybe moved to the farmhouse or something. I'm glad we don't have the ability to look into alternate universes I really would kill myself then.

Currently a bag of nerves waiting until my roommate is ready to go and do his chores around town. I need to go because I don't want to just give him my bank card lol

Maybe I'm too tolerant but I'm too tired at this point. Who fucking cares. I'm mentally 12 and I can't survive on my own so I can't afford to be picky.

People try to give me shit for staying here but they don't seem to understand I don't have a choice.

Wish my grandparents were still alive

Sad

[thetkconspiracy]

It was my birthday yesterday.

I got up at 4am, worked, got home at 7pm, did barn chores, fucked myself and went to bed.

My own fiance didn't even buy me a single flower. Or do barn chores so I could go to bed, the one thing I actually asked for.

I'm so sick of being alive bro

[glittergutts]

Some random stuff on my mind

Yesterday was fun, Chris and I rented a canoe and it was fucking terrifying. I was so scared but it turned out being fun. I saw a cool marsh area I want to take the kids to for science reasons.

Then science reasons got my teacher brain going and I pulled out a ton of books about survival skills ( for the camping trip), field guides of all sorts, and so many books about all about water.

The survival skill stuff will be fun to practice outside. We have a knot tying guide and a shelter building book that we've never really got to use. I want to feel like my kids are self sufficient enough to stay alive in a dangerous situation. It also reminds me of girl scouts when I was a kid so it makes me feel like an official mom to teach my kids more than just "education" I want to teach them life skills like cooking, simple useful crafts and herbal medicines, gardening, sewing, and when their old enough money management and filling out taxes because I want them to feel more prepared for life than I was. All in its own time though, most of this happens through daily life and working together.

I order the last few things we need for our camping trip on Friday including a nature work book for both the kids and some fun outdoorsy crafts for us to do.

Last camping trip kinda sucked, everyone was sick, my daughter broke her hand and was in one hell of a mood even before, and everyone looked at their phone too much. I did too, so I wanted to plan better for our down time. Lots of reading and a few projects and during the day we'll be at fossil Beach looking for shark teeth.

I've pumped up about fossil hunting. I got a fancy big sifter just for the occasion. I need to look around the house, we have little mesh bags for seashells I want to bring. I need to find my water shoes too.

I had a THC peach ring yesterday and it was so yummy. I found out I can get a bag for 15$ from a STORE down the road vs the 40$ bags we bought from a dude like an hour away. So this is exciting news and I plan on checking it out before our trip because the tents are so close I can't actually smoke. Maybe I could get a vape but then I cough and I feel like someone would know. Or worse think I'm deathly ill in public.

I'm feeling good today. Chris is off work so I have help with the kids and chores. Although I'll probably send the kids to invite the neighbors to play in the back yard while I try to pack and meal plan and everything else. There's so much I need to do today I wish I had slept in a little longer.

At some point I've got to catch up all the laundry this week. Unfortunately I have like 2 pair of shorts I like and only a few tee shirts so I've got to have clothes to wear after I pack my good stuff. Maybe I'll just do it in a few days and pack everyone's clothes like 2 days before we leave..

I m feeling overwhelmed again so I'm going to make a to do list. I should be able to ft lots of good stuff in one day. So long as I don't need a nap later. Napping always fucks up my day and I hate doing it but sometimes I just have to.

Ok so I'm going to wake my kids up after making that list.

[yellowsugarwords]

I'm sorry if your sick of people asking for mitch x reader stories but i kinda like this idea,maybe a short story about the reader having a sister/brother with them at ericsons and one day they end up getting eaten by walkers and mitch comforts them,thanks for reading💜p.s your work is beyond amazing💝

thank you for reading my stuff!! here’s a little hc for you :)

Mitch didn’t want to let the three of them in.

He felt like Ericson was getting too crowded.

But Marlon disagreed.

And welcomed them with open arms.

Mitch spotted a carving handing out of one of their pockets.

A small bird.

It was carved into a small, oval piece of wood.

They noticed.

And stared at him.

Being spotted, he shrugged.

“That’s nice,” he said, pointing.

They smirked. “I made it myself.” They said.

Mitch raised a brow. “Seriously?”

They tugged out a pocket knife from their back pocket.

Blue, freshly shined.

Gorgeous.

“You bet.” They said.

Mitch changed his mind.

He was fine with them staying.

They hit it off immediately.

First they talked about craving.

Then weaponry.

Then hunting.

Then fishing.

Ericson could hardly believe it.

Mitch wasn’t normally that open and welcoming.

It took him time to warm up to people.

It was rare to see it happen this easily.

When they parted for their rooms that night, Mitch missed them.

He felt oddly lonely in the quiet.

Since he’d been lost in conversation all day.

He didn’t know that they missed him too.

The next day was a repeat.

But better.

Somehow.

They talked even more.

And about everything even deeper.

Thoughts about the apocalypse.

Where they were when it began.

Why they ended up where they were.

Mitch had always been at Ericson.

Y/N was abandoned by their father.

Left alone in the house with their sisters.

Their parents were divorced.

And he had visitation for the week.

It made Mitch livid.

He abandoned someone who was so perfect.

There was no other word for them.

And the wonderful sisters.

He wanted to sock the man in the face.

But restrained.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Fuck him.” They said.

Somehow, Mitch liked them even more.

Their sisters fit right in too.

In close ties with Violet and Ruby.

One of them was chummy with Omar.

The other spent time with Willy and Tenn.

Everything was falling into place.

They felt at home.

They were staying.

Mitch had never been happier.

He was on watch duty that night.

Y/N joined him.

“I’m glad that you’re staying,” he said.

Y/N smiled. “I am too.”

It was too dark to see each other.

Too dark to see the other’s blush.

But deep down, they knew it was there.

Every morning, Y/N and their sisters all sat together.

Mitch across from them.

All chatting.

They’d been through everything together.

Their bond was as clear as could be.

They bonded over their abandonment.

Mitch often caught himself smiling at them.

Absentmindedly.

Admiring their strength and kindness.

Despite the betrayal of the world.

Maybe that was why they were paranoid when separated.

Like when Marlon sent their sisters out hunting.

Since they’d only ever had each other.

Until now.

“Should we wait?” Y/N asked. “We don’t know where Delta is.”

Delta’s threat was new and present.

And Marlon had debriefed their new members about the concerns.

Marlon waved his hand.

“It’s fine.” He said.

Mitch could see their hesitation.

But the sisters left anyway.

He placed a hand on their shoulder.

“Let’s go haul some wood?”

Maybe a distraction was what they needed.

Drown out the nerves with focus.

When they smiled, he knew he was right.

They hauled with ease.

Talking and laughing.

His heart at peace seeing them pleasantly distracted.

But there was a scream.

Two of them.

And everything in Y/N’s arms dropped

“Y/N?” Mitch asked.

Their eyes were wired to the front gates.

His heart sank.

He knew.

They both did.

Y/N took off running first.

Mitch abandoned his firewood and following on their heels.

There was no way.

Nothing could go that wrong that close.

He was wrong.

Because they hit the front gates and staggered.

Walkers were dripping from every inch of their front walk.

But they hadn’t noticed the gate.

Or the teens inside.

They were focused on something else.

Something loud and on the ground.

Somethings.

Their sisters sat on the ground.

Writhing and screaming.

The teeth of the undead ripping into their arms.

Their flesh.

Their beings.

Y/N gripped the gate doors.

Her body tensed and freezing.

Holding her there.

“Fuck,” Marlon snarled. “Delta. They released them.”

“To scare us out? Aasim asked.

“Yes,” Marlon snapped.

Y/N watched silently.

Their sisters being eaten alive on the ground.

They’d been approaching the gates with two squirrels.

When they were swarmed.

By all sides.

And taken down.

“No,” she breathed.

It was drowned out by their screams.

Their calls for help.

Their bitten, extended arms,

Their torn, unrecognizable faces.

Y/N couldn’t turn away.

Eyes shaking and glued to the scene.

Horrified.

Petrified.

Mitch could see their lips part.

Wanting to scream.

And he reached out.

A hand on their shoulder.

“I can’t save them,” they breathed.

And Mitch closed their eyes.

They knew what they were all thinking.

And he hated that.

Then, she crying stopped.

Suddenly and altogether.

And the extended hands dropped.

And the growls grew louder.

Y/N turned around.

Eyes closed and teary.

And stuffed their face into his chest.

Mitch wrapped his arms around them.

And set his lips on the top of their head.

And felt them sob.

And held them still and stable.

Mitch stayed with them all night.

Bringing them inside to lie down.

He didn't sleep that night.

Staying awake in case they needed him.

And they did.

They woke up sobbing and crying.

Shaking, arms tense and at their sides.

And Mitch immediately set his hands on their sides.

“Hey hey hey,” he’d whisper. “I’m here, you’re okay.”

He would stroke their hair.

And shush them.

And soothe them.

Until they’d fallen back asleep.

And he would lay them down.

Brushing hair away from their face.

And brushing dried tears off of their cheeks.

“I’m so sorry,” he’d whisper to them.

Tracing shapes on their arms and hands.

Making sure they were wrapped up in one of their sisters’ blankets.

“I won’t let anything hurt you again.” He said.

And he meant it.

He was exhausted the next day.

But didn’t care.

He still fetched them soup and water for their breakfast.

And still covered their chores for them.

His ache for them was immense.

And he refused to let them wander through it alone.

He swore to never let them be hurt again.

And that included suffering through grief alone.

And he was going to be there.

No matter what.

Through every step.

Because he loved them.

He knew that.

They both did.

[unextordinary-blog]

My year in one post: 2017

okay so its starting to get closer to the end of the year lets have a recap of 2017.

january: I don't have a job anymore, I am not going to school at the moment, I am moving for the hundredth time, and I have to give up my dog and cat, then someone loses my cat. ( so its safe to say january was definitely not my month) but bright side this is the month where i start to talk to my "future" husband. well sort of (this will be explained in a later month).

february: so it's a new month. I am jobless with no prospect of going back to school until the next semester. on top of that our landlords are total pieces of literal dog shit (like im not kidding they have about 5000 dogs in their house and it smells like dog shit) anyways life is starting to look up JUST THE TINIEST BIT because ya girl got a date. i am dating. newly dating. and on top of that i still don't know that my future husband is single yet. (he doesn't like the idea of me dating)

march: we have officially moved into my moms boyfriends house and i already hate it. Its awful i have no closet, no space, no job, no pets, and no will to live (except for my future husband). Its safe to say my life lowkey sucks because not only do i have a curfew now? I have to pretend to not hate my life and i actually have to get out of the bedroom im staying in (yea thats right im not allowed to call his guest bedroom "my room") my moms boyfriend is a total dickwad. he gets what he deserves in later months tho. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ( WAIT A MINUTE I just got some info that karma was doing her job all along and i completely forgot part of living with my momster and her dickwad was that I had to do all the chores around the house and dickwad left $200 in his pocket when i was doing laundry and i found it. in my defense i tried to tell them about the money but then they got on my ass for talking to them while they were talking or something so i shut up and spent some of the money on a tattoo. it was the best revenge ever. I had been planning on getting one for months and dickwad and momster HATE tattoos and he technically paid for mine and it was great)

April: HOMAGAWD my life is looking up. I got a job, my "future" husband is visiting and the guy I'm kinda sorta "dating" is a good kisser but i swear to y'all if i hadn't already been on like 4 dates with this guy i would have thought he was catfishing me (he ends up ghosting me anyways so whatevesss). My momster and her dickwad of a boyfriend don't like my new job because it doesn't pay a whole lot? ( oh i forgot to mention they want me to pay rent for the "bedrooom" I'm sleeping in; y'all this room is literally a bed, a dresser drawer, and MY TV) ALSO did i mention this guy is total pack rat (THE BEDROOM IM IN HAS ALLLL OF HIS JUNK IN IT) and there's no central heating and I'm sick. I have bronchitis and we barely found out. meanwhile my supposed "mother" thought I was just being annoying with my coughing and her stupid boyfriend literally had the AUDACITY to tell me if I don't get rid of my cough by the end of the week then he was going to "do something about it". (LIKE IM SORRY I HAVE BRONCHITIS IF I COULD WAVE MY MAGIC WAND THAT I JUST RANDOMLY PULLED OUT OF MY ARSE AND MAKE MYSELF BETTER I WOULD SORRY MY ILLNESS IS INCONVENIENCING YOU). this man is weird he has like every book written by trump and is a civil war reenactor and has can goods from before I was even born because he doesn't believe in expiration dates. so I didn't want to find out what he meant by that so I booked the quickest doctors appointment I could get. I had been sick for 3 months by this point. also I paid over half the rent at my old place but I was always making like $1000 a month sooooo I could afford it. anyways my "future" husband and I have an amazing 3 days when he visits it was like no time had passed and it wasn't until he was gone that I realized that I couldn't live without him anymore.

May: ITS OFFICIAL BITCHES my "future" husband is now my boyfriend, it literally took him an hour for me to say he was my boyfriend. twas a struggle. but pretty much since the day he left we hadn't gone a single day without talking via text or calling each other. we thought about waiting until he came back to texas to date, but that would be two years and we weren't having that because we would have ended up waiting for each other instead of dating long distance which is kinda a waste of time. anyways I am no longer sick. at least I don't think and karma is just DOING ITS WORK on my mom and her dickwad boyfriend. My mom was being treated like she deserved by her new job and dickwad had lost his chief position because hes an alcoholic asshole with little man syndrome now he is paying over $10,000 for a DWI lawyer. meanwhile i was thriving I was getting more work I was looking into ways to pay off my school my life still sucked and the only reason im alive is because of my "future" husband.

June: did i ever mention that june is my favorite month of this year. love is in the air bitches. june is the month for marriages and engagements. SPEAKING OF ENGAGEMENTS yea that's right he proposed AND ON TOP OF THAT he surprised me with a visit and i nearly had a heart attack and it was a great few days. then my momster ruined it by being her and by hating me as per usual we weren't asking for permission at this point to get married we were just going to get married whether she agreed or not. and i was moving out and my "future" husband and i had a 101 plans (also i dont like the word fiance its dirty and gross) our 101 plans obviously fell through you can plan all day long and life is just like "LOL gurl you thought" but it all turned out fine in and in our favor in the end. we are very thankful for the people who stuck by our side when things were getting tough and sooo grateful for all their help we wouldn't have been able to do it without them.

JULY: ITS OUR WEDDDDINNNGGG MONNNTTTTHHHHHHH!!!!!! I had never thought "hey you're going to be my husband one day" when I saw my husband for the first time in the 2nd grade. he apparently did, he thought i was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and was happy i had moved to his town. that innocent love obviously turned into something more as we got older and he always knew that something special would happen with us there had to be a reason God had kept us close all those years. we were married july 10th in a court house with our high school friends my momster and her dickwad boyfriend and my new family that consisted of my husbands parents and siblings while my maid of honor watch via facetime (she had work and the ceremony lasted like 20 mins) leading up to our wedding he "proposed" properly on the couch while we were watching a movie and his best friend was so upset that he was not included in the proposal. we promised to include him on our 5 year anniversary at our vow renewal. we were married on the 10th we had our honeymoon that night in galveston. on the 11th we went to our best mans house, watched hoarders all morning, played ping pong, went to go see a movie with our old clique from high school, slept on a too small air mattress with a too small blanket in freezing cold room and woke up early. he dropped me off at my momsters and we said our teary eyed goodbyes and said we'd see each other again in december and I watched him drive away to the air port. I turned 20 the next week and I had 1 good day then on the 18th my mom decided to yell at me and fight me about money (remember how i said i was trying to pay off my college stuff well my mom knew that. it was no secret. well i found a way and i had gotten the money the week i got married and i paid it off and put the rest in savings and refused to touch it) well my mom yelled at me until she was blue in the face because since dickwad fucked up his finances with his DWI they were now strapped for cash and wanted me to pay for everything and I refused. just because we said I'd move in december doesn't mean plans are set in stone and if I would have paid them in advance I would have never seen that money again. the risks were to high for me to pay that much in one sitting. so we argued on the 18th she didn't talk to me for two days then on the 21st she gave me an ultimatum and told me to pay or get out. meanwhile my husband and I were thinking ahead and I was already packing and by the 22nd all i had in the bedroom i slept in was a duffel bag of clothes and hamper full of my bedding I told her i was moving out on the 23rd on a sunday and by the time they got home from church me and everything i had would be gone from that house. remember my husbands best man and best friend and the small air mattress and cold bedroom?

August: they both had a house together and that was the house i stayed in until the second week or two of august i spent almost a week with my dad and his family so i could say my goodbyes. i came back to the guys house for 2 days finished packing said my goodbyes to all my friends and then my dad was there with a jeep for all my stuff and we would start our long trip to VA. the first day we drove from TX to atlanta then the next day atlanta to VA.

I was finally home. there he was my knight in blue digital camo. we'd only been married a month and already our plans were askew. my dad stayed for 2 extra days and helped us get settled into our new apartment then left.

september: we are 2 months into our marriage and our first month living together. these next two months will be the hardest months in our marriage. we're getting used to each other getting to know our homelife quirks it is a difficult transition for both of us I am used to an abusive passive aggressive household where i lock myself in my room and he is used to empty barracks and going out everyday just so he doesn't have to be in the barracks all day. it was hard but we wouldn't want to bicker over mundane things with anyone else.

October: its spoopy time and my husbands birthday is this month we have a tv and new bed for our master bedroom we have a cat but Im pretty sure we got him in september. we're not really fighting as much at least not about stupid things we know what pushes our buttons and we're communicating better. I have to turn down my first job because its too far of a drive. ( we immediately regret it) the hubs 21st birthday rolls around we have the worst mexican food ever and he has the strongest margarita in the world it was really a great night. Halloween we sit on the couch watching movies and just stay in all day.

November: my husbands family have informed us that his little brother will be graduating from boot camp this month and will be going to school on a base in VA and that they were coming for thanksgiving. so we get the house in order for our new guests. we buy everything from a thanksgiving ham to new towels when they arrive his parents are sick with the flu and my husband still has work the next day on thanksgiving. his mom and i spend the entire next day cooking and getting everything ready. when my husband gets home we have dinner and watch a movie or two. the next day is my husbands day off and we all had planned on eating out so we had lunch then went to the beach for his mom and then my husbands base to give a tour for his mom (insert eyeroll here the woman takes pictures of quite literally everything its almost annoying)and then finally we go back home so we can get his little brothers stuff and we can drop him off at his new base. (which is a whole lot more difficult then it should have been.) they end up giving him a weekend pass but by then we're all dead tired and want to go home but no, we go bowling on base until its time to take his little brother back to the barracks. then the next day is even more annoying my husband picks up his little brother and some breakfast and we trudge to a museum of an old ship for about 2 or 3 hours. keep in mind my husbands parents are still sick with the flu and everyone is tired except his little brother and my husband has work at 3am the next day. on top of that his parents need to get on a plane this same day and my husband and i need to drop off his little brother back on base. needless to say it was another long day and we finally had our house back my poor husband had work at 3am and around 9am i hear him come home apparently since he didn't leave early on thanksgiving he got to leave work early that day which meant we got the entire sunday to ourselves. it was a long weekend.

December: its only the 13th and we have been married for 5 months now and it will almost be a year since we started dating. (how time flies) his best man is supposed to visit in january and we are both so excited.

so much little stuff has happened this year that would make this post even longer. we got a motorcycle, my husband is trying to pick out a car for me i thought about doing online college, we both haven't really thought about what we want for christmas and our cat has fleas so its been a very eventful year.