#being a 2000 baby is difficult sometimes

[hoenn-betadex]

Kecleon

On January 26, 2001, five trademarks were filed for four new Pokemon. These included Kakureon (Kecleon), Hoeruku (Wailmer), Rilulu (Azurill), and Barubii/Barubiito (Volbeat). Later, on March 7th, we would end up getting our first public sneak peek at the 3rd Generation, through Kecleon, Azurill and Wailmer.

Kecleon famously appeared in the anime an entire year and a half before the release of Ruby and Sapphire, in EP205 "The Kecleon Caper", which aired July 5th, 2001.

Two days later, "Pikachu's PikaBoo" aired in Japan as a Pikachu Short with Celebi: The Voice in the Forest. This short is notable for including not only Kecleon, but Wailmer and Azurill as well! (Notably, Volbeat was likely planned to appear, due to the early trademarks, but was not yet finalized.)

This makes Kecleon, Wailmer and Azurill a very unique trio of Pokemon that were designed extremely early for marketing purposes. Out of the three, Kecleon became more of a "face" to this new generation than Wailmer and Azurill.

Kecleon itself was conceived before the infamous tonal shift the third generation would face mid development. Pokemon Crystal had only just released in December of 2000, so the team behind these early designs are very likely the same group from the latter parts of Generation 2's development.

Interesting to note, the four initial trademarked Pokemon are all "round" and "cute" in their design. In fact, all of them have a lot of common ground with many of Gen 2's designs. Minus Volbeat, out of the three revealed Pokemon, Kecleon is the most visually interesting, so it'd make sense for the team to want to make use of it.

Thanks to Dr. Lava's translations, we can learn a couple key notes to keep in mind about the design of these Pokemon:

Masuda: “In general, we chose Pokemon whose types we didn’t have enough of. From the early stages of development until past the halfway point, we planned on Ruby & Sapphire featuring nothing but brand new Pokemon. But later when it came time to balance things out, we realized there weren’t enough of certain types, and decided to add in older Pokemon to fill the gaps.”

Sugimori: “Indeed, there were a lot of kiddy designs, and some fans were starting to say Pokemon had become too babyish, so one theme for Ruby & Sapphire was returning to the coolness of monsters. We added more and more cool, tough-looking, monstrous Pokemon, a philosophy best exemplified by Groudon. And the second big theme of Ruby & Sapphire was taking on new inspirations for Pokemon unlike anything we used before.”

Sugimori: “Like Groudon for example — there are a lot of lines on its design, so I think it’ll be difficult to draw in the anime. But I just thought ‘screw it.’ Better to make it cooler. That’s the approach I took sometimes while drawing Pokemon for Ruby & Sapphire.”

The key things to takeaway here:

A lot of the early designs for Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire used types that were already very common, so older Pokemon helped fill in gaps in the Pokedex.

After listening to fan feedback, the focus for design shifted into being more cool, monstrous, tough, etc.

With this in mind, our original set of Gen 3 Pokemon are... not the best representation for cool and tough. Azurill is yet another baby and Wailmer is a ball. And, while there's no proof of this, I wouldn't be surprised if Kecleon was chosen to get its own episode in the anime *because* it was the least "kid like" design. Sure, Kecleon is cute, but proportionally its a lot more detailed than the other two.

Kecleon in its own right is an interesting Pokemon. Its best known for being able to turn invisible, and acts as a path block in the final game. Since Abilities were being introduced to Pokemon, it would only make sense to create a Pokemon to show off this new feature of the game. And Color Change, which lets Kecleon change types, is the PERFECT way to show this off.

Despite the design philosophy changes, Kecleon's role as a mascot for the third generation stayed pretty consistent after release. It of course appears in Pokemon Mystery Dungeon as two shopkeepers, but it was also meant to appear as a Shadow Pokemon in Pokemon Colosseum! It also infamously made a fake appearance in Pokemon GO in 2018, where it would appear by mistake instead of the intended reveal of Meltan. Because of this, Kecleon didn't even appear in GO until January 2023!

One last thing to note: Kecleon's scratchpad (along with Wailmer and Azurill) show off an animated sprite similar to Pokemon Crystal. Here it is animated!

[rottenbrainstuff]

Haha ok I am convinced. It takes a LOT to motivate me to watch a new show, but I am so convinced by what I've seen of IWTV that I am going to give it a try tonight. I even have one single glass of red wine left for it!

The thing is: I am extremely ambivalent about this whole... what.. franchise? Series? Little coven of crying gay babies?

I was a big giant fan of the vampire chronicles in the 90s and 2000s. I really do legit love the characters that were created: I love their damage, I love how articulate Anne Rice was about describing their issues, how vampirism has fucked up each and every one of them. I loved how sensual the books were, the beautiful descriptions of everything. I found it so interesting how everything could be so sexy when it very specifically contained no sex. I loved her vampire lore, I loved her take on traditional vampires. I know sensual romantic vampires are a bit of an eye-roll these days but I feel like back in the 90s it actually was something a bit more fresh.

Interview especially had some really amazing ideas in it. I remember really loving that book.

Lestat was an interesting book but tbh she lost me a bit with some of the lore. It really put a lot of Interview into perspective though. (is Lestat's mom in this show??? She seems like a bad bitch I'd like to see pop in)

I read about half of Armand and oddly couldn't make myself finish it, or read any more of the chronicles. I actually don't even remember what happened in that book anymore.

(I had a copy of Queen of the Damned but I can’t remember if I read it or not. If I did, I don’t remember anything from the plot)

As much as I remember enjoying reading Interview, I found it increasingly hard to reconcile my enjoyment of the books with my knowledge of what a nasty person Anne Rice was, and the extremely shitty things she did in (or I guess TO) the fandom. As the books went on I found the writing style less interesting and more irritating and pretentious. I gave an attempt to start that witch coven series and was surprised by how I couldn't get into it. I tried reading her Sleeping Beauty series and got viscerally disgusted. (disgust aside, it was a shock how poorly written I thought it was) Again, her reactions to the fandom for that were bemusing as well. Her weird and personal obsession with her own characters is extremely reminiscent to me of Stephanie Meyer if she was goth instead of mormon, and it makes it difficult for me to take it all seriously sometimes.

So........ I'm in this position where I think I do genuinely like the characters and the ideas, but I intensely dislike Anne Rice and view her as generally overrated as an author, and that soured the whole series for me. But I've been seeing all these clips online and I dunno. I like what I see. It feels the characters I like were pulled out of her weird mean hands and dusted off. I like that absolutely no clips I've seen really match anything that I remember reading in the books. I like that it looks actually, unambiguously gay. I like that in almost every single clip I've seen, all the characters ever seem to be doing is screaming at each other for stupid shit. I like that it looks ridiculous and deranged. I dunno. I kinda have high hopes that with this show, I'll be able to learn how to like these characters again.

(I'm being smacked in the face btw with my age once again - so many of you mention that you never watched the old (not very good) Tom Cruise movie. If you were a teenager in the 90s I think it was impossible to have avoided it. Or is it just that my friend group was particularly strange?)

I'll pop my thoughts in here but I'll tag appropriately, so if you don't want that nonsense, you don't have to see it.

[soffpisces]

enhypen as emo bands!!

heeseung- taking back sunday

i'm not super sure if the vibes are there, but just based off of the music he's recommended, it's obvious he doesn't listen to heavy/upbeat music. i can also see him enjoying angsty music every once in a while. sometimes he gives me "angsty teen recovering from a breakup with their first love" yk? "your lipstick, his collar, don't bother angel. i know exactly what goes on."

jay- the red jumpsuit apparatus

he strikes me as a lowkey romantic person. so when he's in the mood, i can definitely see him listening to them whilst looking dramatically out a window lmao! fuckk honestly this is just based on his vibes, i have no more input lol. "i'll be there for you through it all. even if saving you sends me to heaven." i'm crying it's so corny but so good, just like jay<3.

jake- we the kings

okay so... this is purely based on their song "check yes juilet" ; like don't they just give off the same vibes?? we the kings is also an emo staple but they're not known for being actually emo, yk. so, they go well because when i think of jake, i don't necessarily think of sad music. jake gives me "sneaking in your window at night" and just 2000s-teenage-romance-vibes in general. "they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance. don't sell your heart. don't say we're not meant to be. run baby, run, forever will be you and me".

sunghoon- black veil brides

okay, hear me out... i wouldn't have chosen bvb for sunghoon if not for "in the end". sunghoon strikes me as someone who really enjoys the classics. he's always choosing the old but good songs for karaoke, so i have a feeling he could bop to this. i feel like he would have some emo/metal classics in his workout playlist... "as you fade into the night, who will tell the story of your life?"

sunoo- paramore

it was lowkey difficult to think of a band for him, but alas, haley williams appears in my brain. honestly, if he's feeling a little angsty, he could totally enjoy their music. his voice would be so delicious covering their song "all i wanted". "it's not a walk in the park to love each other. but when our fingers interlock, can't deny, can't deny you're worth it."

jungown- fall out boy

the other day, i saw that jungwon recommended a green day song?? like hello?? so random. i considered the two but ended up going with fob simply because green day gives millennial-dad vibes. (don't get me wrong i love green day, but the energy is not there). my inspiration for this match is pretty similar to jake's. jungwon is just so teenage romance coded, so i think the two pair well with each other&lt;3. "i'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song."

ni-ki- escape the fate

okay, i was between putting etf or falling in reverse, but i figured most of falling in reverse's music is a little too goofy for ni-ki's vibe lol! and when i say etf, i mean ronnie's era specifically. imagining riki listening to them is making me want to cry; like the idea of the two of them is magical. but yea, this is honestly based purely on the vibes! i know niki has the heart of an emo;3. "how does it feel when your tears freeze when you cry? the blood in your veins is 20 below."

as you can probably tell, this is completely self-indulgent <3. i am desperately trying to make two worlds collide... i don't know if it's working or not, lol! tell me what you think!! emo engenes represent!!!

[p1nkcanoe]

OK SO, I have no shame so anon? Not today.

Anyways Ghouls in different forms of gothic clothing, like- each ghoul having their own style ? Yes. Trad goth, Vampiric, corporate goth??? ABSOLUTELY.

Also a ghoul in short leather shorts/skirt, yes please. I'm channeling that for an outfit today.

Ghouls in spooky swimwear too- I have too many ideas HELP.

love, love, love. each ghoul having their own distinct style makes it difficult to steal from each other’s closets sometimes, but also results in some amazing fit checks. it’s also means that sometimes they wander into another room and just go “hot or flop?” and it turns into a 2000s magazine forum about whether or not the combination works or if they need to turn around and change.

you also mentioned short leather skirts and my brain immediately jumped to mountain, so… 😵‍💫 put that big ghoul in a mf skirt.

(it’s also not his, it never is, but somehow he always ends up being dressed up like a doll by every single member in the pack and told to strut like the hallway is his runway)

this one got kinda long when I got carried away with ghouls in swimwear. but who doesn’t love a wet ghoul in a tiny pair of shorts??? allow me to explain under the cut:

but swimwear, oh, this is good. I could ponder upon this in my orb for a while.

dew’s gonna wear either a tiny little speedo or nothing at all because he hates tan lines and thinks he's immune to getting sunburnt (he's very much not immune)

sunshine is a bikini top and shorts girlie. and cmon, she's comfy, secure, safe, and sexy. even dew doesn't mind when she--without fail--steals his shorts off the top of his clothes pile

rain is gonna wear cute little shorts (and I mean little, like the shortest inseam possible while still having an inseam) with a bright and goofy pattern on them like dogs with swimsuits on or sharks with sunglasses

aurora is gonna always wear something pastel, frilly, and so adorable yet sexy, and make everyone wanna put it on (and take it off)

cumulus ALWAYS looks SO DAMN GOOD in something light colored and plunging, maybe baby blue with a tiny, sheer skirt to go with it to show off her ass while she lounges by the lake with a filthy romance novel…

aeth banana hammock aeth banana hammock (at first he wore it as a joke but he kinda understands the hype now…)

mountain prefers to be nude if he’s outside. but sometimes that’s not always ideal, especially if there’s siblings wandering around, so he’ll have to settle for a thin sarong to keep everyone civil

swiss is a tease, we all know this. he’s gonna wear something tight, something stretchy to show off everything without actually showing everything. if you thought the skin-tight spandex were bad before he got in the lake, just wait until he gets out

CIRRUSSSSSSSSS, FUCK. she never disappoints. it’s a one piece that functions as a two piece, sometimes barely even a two piece. something dark, strappy, that wraps around the waist and the tops of her arms almost like lingerie. unlike dew, she thinks the many tan lines she gets from her suits are sexy and she makes every excuse to get more

phantom is a wild card. there's no telling what he's gonna show up to the lake in. sometimes its the shorts copia bought him, other times it's a pair of boxers or nothing at all if he's feeling overstimulated... there was also that one time that he stole one of cirrus' swimsuits and made quite a show of it

there’s so many good options here and I’m sorry I fixated on such a small part of your ask, but it’s so yummy I couldn’t not eat it up. also did not touch too much on the "spooky" aspect of your prompt, but it's spooky how sexy they all are, amirite?

—anyways, thoughts????

[blorbocedes]

my favorite hetcedes girl!lewis dynamic would be kind of a continuation of 'desire unfolds' by bestliars where girl!lewis (or louise, elle, etc) also hits the wall of women's racing and is like a role reversal of your wag story. I know non racing lewis au's usually have him (or her in this case) go into music or fashion but I can't imagine early 2000s girl!lewis would know that about herself and wouldn't pursue that in time for it to make sense (i feel like for these wags you had to have become famous in your career before your wag status, or else it won't pan out). The Catholic guilt narrative especially without racing in the way would make it so they got married rather young. Their relationship would still be complex and not perfect because I envision in this au nico would still be racing and have 7 or so championships, not because he wants to but because he has to carry the ambition for both of them (2014,15,16,17,18,19,20 is easy to achieve in the Mercedes dominance when you have no teammate competition). I don't think she would want him to stay home and have a happy family and instead be encouraging him to stay in F1 for as much success as she wished she had. And if they did have kids I still think she would be at every race lol. It could also be interesting to explore how that level of dominance and success would contrast with his personality (as i don't think he would be partying it up with hollywood like lewis did during that era, so he wouldn't be F1's figurehead in the same way lewis is today). Also him equaling Michael's championships after how his relationship with Michael was????

But also, I can't creatively write to save my life so this won't be a thing I write lol. I wish I could tell someone my idea and instantly get a fabulous fic back lmao

I also love your toto idea! I know you said that it would be difficult to do girl!nico/lewis because of how he would feel entitled to end up with her, but I think that entitlement and almost cockiness could be an interesting side of him to explore. Especially when he has all the options of women you could want in front of him but he's still expecting Nico to be his. Could be interesting!

I would personally find that super depressing to write because the constant background information of what we know: lewis is the greatest racer of all time, the 7 titles nico is winning is hers and the only reason she can't and is instead known as his wife is due to her sex. ofc not all fics are supposed to be happy and romantic but there's no happy ending beyond lewis having to accept and have her man vicariously living out her dreams (ergo be discontent of that potential What If life forever). you as a reader would pity lewis the whole time

you do raise a good point that she would be too young to know herself yet to get into fashion/music, although probably later in life with nico's money she'd have access to those avenues.

although the idea that nico is the one who wants to retire and be with his family while lewis is the one who keeps pushing him to renew his contract and bribes him with another baby he won't have time to properly see is kind of interesting.

but it's not my flavour, sometimes the more realistic idea is not the better fic. but I would read it if someone wrote it and did the dynamics right

I personally find it easier to do girl!nico hitting the racing ceiling and being perfectly discontent about it because she has so many safety nets, even as Toto's problematically younger gf where the power is imbalanced, she's still the daughter of a world champion, she's still rich, she still graduated from imperial college. with the hetcedes you proposed lewis married young, there's still that class insecurity, that universe's GOAT chose her because they were childhood friends but now he has all the pick of beautiful women in the world should he want (even if he's 100% loyal), and the discontentment would just be too much.

with girl!Nico hetcedes of "lewis still chooses her" it veers too much into traditional heterosexual romance for my taste. but yeah I'd be down to read it someone else wrote it hahaha, there's just a lot of delicate gender power dynamics to keep in mind when doing a gender swap fic and still have it be compelling. a lot of work!

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Khadijah La Musa

Published: Feb 13, 2024

Is anybody else perplexed that in 2024, we can't choose our race? Is race not also a social construct? Why is gender the only identity that is allowed to be fluid? 

Why can’t we be trans-millionaires and demand that our bank accounts reflect the way we feel on the inside? Why do we still make multiracial people choose a box? Why do we assume people’s race and thereby make assumptions about how they think, how they vote, and how they see the world?

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being judged by the color of my skin and not by the content of my character.  

Sometimes, I don't want to be racialized. Some days I wake up and I'd rather not be “black”, or a “BIPOC”, or a “person of color.” Sometimes, I just want to be… me. So, I've decided to release myself from the shackles of race. I no longer consent to being tied to the social constraints of the arbitrary notion of race. I'm tossing my black card for good. 

I was assigned “Black” at birth. All babies are pretty much the same shade of pink at birth, so there’s no way my race was even observable at the time. I had no choice in the matter. I’m not sure if my parents did either. 

Back in my days as an undergraduate at a super liberal university, when I identified as a black feminist, people would ask me, “are you black first, or a woman first?” Ten years ago, I would have replied, “I’m black first.” I was so loyal to my race. Black. Blackity black. Being black gave me a great deal of pride and a whole lot of other things I carried unconsciously. Being black made me angry at the world – made me feel obligated to hold certain political views – and made me feel like a victim. Being black made me feel paranoid – like someone or something was always out to make my life more difficult.  

Today, if this same question was asked, I would reply, “I’m a woman, first and foremost.” Even though we in the West have regressed so far from nature, and allowed males to penetrate the female sex class, and colonize womanhood to fulfill their desires; I know that in reality, I am a woman. I can go anywhere in the world and be seen as a woman. I can connect with other women as a woman from any race, class, or nationality and they would understand me, and I, them. 

If I traveled back 2000 years in time,  I would be a woman.

Today, If I woke up and declared that I am now a man, I could go to the doctor and get my breasts removed under the guise of gender-affirming care faster than I could go and get a breast reduction due to debilitating back pain. I could get my ovaries removed to affirm my manhood faster than I could get my tubes tied for not wanting to become a mother. 

Today, If I woke up and declared that I no longer identify as black, I would be shamed and ridiculed. I would be called “crazy” – accused of self-hatred. A race traitor. A coon. A bedwench. A Pecola Breedlove. 

It makes me wonder why we, as a society, are so adamant about removing gender from its biological roots but hold on to racial stratification for dear life. Haven’t we spent years trying to undo the social ramifications of racism, but now, we’d rather attempt to divorce gender from reality. It makes me wonder if something more nefarious and deeply sinister is at play.

Regardless, I don’t want blackness anymore. I gave up my blackness when I decided to not vote for Biden in 2020. I don’t think I’ll ever vote for a Democrat again. I don’t know how to play spades anyway. I have no rhythm. I prefer to eat with chopsticks. I married the father of my child. I wear Blundstone boots in the winter. I feel so pretty when wrapped in a Sari. My daughter has a Japanese name. Once, I even shared an ice cream cone with my dog. 

I think my ancestors were just regular people. Not slaves, kings, or queens. 

I don’t listen to degenerate hip-hop music. I won’t be first in line to fight against the oppression of others. I don’t hate capitalism. I don’t care about what black celebrities are doing. 

I’m giving up my blackness. Nobody gets to tell me who I should hate. Nobody gets to tell me who I should love. Nobody gets to tell me what I should be mad about. Nobody gets to tell me what I should be interested in. 

I’m tired of being emotionally manipulated by the media. I’m exhausted from my energy being siphoned to fuel popular culture. 

Just let me be myself. 

Despite my beautiful, flawless, melanin rich, collagen fortified skin – I’m not black. I’m not indigenous. I’m not a person of color. I’m non-racial. Just like all those people who are non-binary – the people who aren’t men or women, male or female. I’m non-racial. 

Non-racial. It rolls off the tongue even better than “non-binary”. 

I don’t subscribe to any race. I’m just a human (of the female variety, because that matters a great deal in the whole human thing). I’m an adult human female. Formerly known as a woman. But now women can mean anything. A woman is anybody who identifies as a woman. Huh?

I’m not magical. I’m not better at sports. I’m not strong and independent. I need my man, and I need him to be male. 

I identify as a non-racial, joyful, clinically sane, adult human female. 

If all identities had the special privilege of fluidity, I’d totally be a trans-millionaire. 

It’s not fair that gender is the only identity that has the privilege to be fluid, changeable, and discardable. But race, the ultimate social construct, is expected to be unchangeable, and rigid.

[marina-fini]

☁️TRIGGER WARNING ☁️

I remember feeling disgusted existing very young because I was sexualized already by men…nots boys, men.

A friends father slapping my ass at 11, being hollered on the streets at 12. I remember feeling sexualized by my own father. I remember feeling disturbed by existing. not just with the matter of existing, but being programmed to think my value is how I look. How I will be loved and cherished was determined to how pretty I was. And that no one will love me if I don’t look a certain way. This is what it’s like growing up in Los Angeles in the 90s / 2000s

My mother made feel ashamed for having body hair young, taking me to get lip waxes at 12 because it was embarrassing to her since I was in her image. Aesthetics were everything to her. I’ve always wondered what it would have been like if I had experienced being embraced for my naturalness than ashamed. Would I be more confident in my form ? Probably ..this comes to mind sometimes.

I felt disgusted being a girl and wanted to reject being a human all together but terrified of becoming a woman and what I’d have to face. When I had the one sex ed class in 5th grade, I was disturbed by the knowing of becoming a woman and getting a period. In fear I pushed my chest down and told my chest not to grow and told my body not to get a period. I think part of me knew I didn’t want to have children then and still now to this day. Mainly out of fear of what it would be caused by. In my little brain I thought maybe it would be safer to not be a girl. The roots of sexuality has caused my chronic depression my whole life. I exist out of my parents desire to reproduce using forced semination. Meaning that my existence isn’t a natural organic conception. I was forced here , prayed for and was the miracle baby my mom thought she could never have. Realizing this in my early 20s put a lot of existential pressure in my headspace since knowing this.

My lack of confidence in my physicality and ability to feel good with another is a direct correlation to how my mother viewed and valued others. Constantly fat shaming others and making me feel like I won’t be attractive if I am not thin and have no body hair. This did a number on me psychologically.

Fast forward to seeing the pattern of who has loved me intimately through HS, into college and now as an almost 35 year old. Who ive been the most attracted to sexually, why i was putting up with a drug addict for 6 years in my 20s and now realizing who I’ve been with for almost 2 years. I’ve realized truths that I’m still having a very difficult time integrating. I have become so numb to the world and its truths around man. How most men are truly beasts that want to destroy women and the earth. Wishing I could deprogram my last rope that I tether to for him, so I can be free.

Part 2 coming soon…

[ablogwithoutacause]

Letter to L #1 (More of a Rant)

February 8, 2024

I still haven't bought a typewriter. I was barely able to pay my rent this month and send you the remainder of January's payment. I'm not ashamed anymore. A few months ago I would've been, but I never stop learning. I'm learning to accept the negative, and embrace the positive. I'm being patient with myself and instead of negatively talking myself down for not having my finances in order, I continue to do what I have to, to get there. (ie: babysteps)

Do you remember when we were dating and we slowed the world around us... I reminisce and think of wanting to relive... to experience that beauty... such an adolescent-like love that i had never experienced with anyone but you (until my 20's). We wanted Nokia's to pump the brakes within a society that was only increasing in speed. The so-called Rat Race we're forced to live, we thought we were going to find a cheat code a short cut to make things work. We did, we then experienced the early 2000's with a blog... well i brainstormed something. I've decided since we're not "contacting", this very situation could've happened during the days of the age of innocence... but instead of you not returning my texts... my calls. My hand written letters would be collecting dust in a shoe-box under your bed circa 1978. My typewritten letters... yellowing in your mahogany dresser in 1934. The ink bleeding through envelopes in a hemp sack that my quill written letter sealed with wax; are stored in. I decided to just fill you in. I know you don't want contact with me for your reasons... but i assume you must want to know about me just like i want to know about you. Was that really your intention? To just forget about me? Or leave me in the back-burner until I was ready to make an appearance once again? Letting me fight the world on my own, because I really don't have anyone but myself... Just me myself and I. Regardless of what your reason was. I choose to give this to you. I can fill you in because I want you to know about me. Then again, you won't even give me your address to write to you... so am I lying to myself by doing this? Do you really want nothing to do with me during this period? Is this energy that can be invested somewhere else?

I don't eat sometimes. I'm doing it alone this time. No short term loans, no help from family. I'm proving to myself I can be a man. The studio still isn't done... I'm in a room with no windows. Work has been difficult. My coworker lost her daughter of age 9, so i wasn't able to start off with meeting days off. I'm covering her shifts until she's ready to come back, if she's ready. I saw my family again. Once again, even more painful than the time before, I was ignored in front of extended family members. In front of my grandfather, uncles, and cousins. Hearing my aunt ask me "Your dad doesn't talk to you? I don't even think he looked at you"... It slashed my chest in half. My heart sank to the floor. I felt powerless. Useless. They had a party at mom's. Everyone was invited, except me. How they managed to cover-up their lies every time a family member asked for me, I don't know. My mother then sent me food after their party, I was so sad I didn't even want to eat it. It was a slap to my face. A humiliating act. I threw it away. Without even opening the bag.

Just caught myself nagging, and complaining. I said I was going to do less of it, but how can I just do it on my own when you were my confidant? The one who heard me and listened to me... and gave me the strength to continue. Who knows. You're not here for me anymore. So calling for help in the forest with no one to help me is absurd. Maybe I didn't think this out so well, and instead of a letter to you I should just call it CryBabyRant#1, which I'm in fact doing right now. You don't deserve a cry baby. You don't deserve to hear me cry about the unfortunate things occurring in my life, like my mom said, because of me. It's my fault. I don't like it? I'll do something about it.

Sorry, this isn't a letter I'd wanna receive if i cut someone off waiting for them to get their act together. You'd probably want to just see the finished product. Not stick around for the ugly and painful. It's understandable. If i decided to post this I guess it wasn't meant to make its way to you, but more of a, look this is where i found myself on that day. That's evidence of how he felt, how he tried and tried and tried to climb out of the hole, but he just couldn't manage to get out. No more ropes being thrown, no more cheering from anyone. Just him in the well looking up at the stars with no one else.

Not sure how i feel about this alliance you’ve formed with my brother. When our situation occurred I was alone. No one looking out for me. Just pushing on my own, experiencing new lows… i guess hearing him say “L said this… L said that” is rubbing me the wrong way. Not having any form of feedback from you, meanwhile you’re becoming his shoulder to cry on is making me feel all sorts of ways. I think negative, because i don’t find myself in a good spot. Hearing of things he’s done… the violent person he’s become with his biker buddies down in AZ… I’m scared of him even coming near you because I don’t know what he’s capable of doing. I don’t trust him. Not near me, not near you. Not near anyone. I don’t even trust him sleeping in the same house as my parents. He’s dug himself deep in some serious issues… and maybe it’s for good that your sister and him aren’t together because she could’ve became collateral damage if he doesn’t either truly quit what he’s doing, or come clean with everyone. I just don’t want you near him because his act isn’t clean cut. Especially if you meet with him, not much i can do if you’ve already seen him. I’m scared, genuinely. But I’m in timeout. My cries aren’t heard. Aren’t considered. I guess you’ll know yourself if you decide to befriend him and see him in these circumstances. None of what i say here seems to matter, I’m alone. Just facing fate, just waiting an outcome I don’t know of. Like your clients that would buy mystery bags. I know nothing. In the end, you’re a grown woman. You know who you allow. You know who you give your attention to. Your time. I’m no one to intervene. I’m just alone.

-M

[themomsandthecity]

Can You Actually Induce Labor at Home? We Asked an Ob-Gyn

You're past your due date and desperate to get this baby out of you. You want to be safe, of course, but you've heard enough stories about how people have naturally induced labor at home - "My mom ate pineapple and I popped out a day later!" - that you're determined to try something. But is it safe to induce labor at home? And do any of the old home remedies for naturally inducing labor actually work? There are certain things you can do to increase uterine contractions, says Radhika Sharma, MD, an ob-gyn at Maven Clinic. But she warns that there are side effects with some of these options. "What's important is that you have spoken with your doctor about inducing labor and also that you are at full term [after 39 weeks]," Dr. Sharma says. Before you try to break your own water (which, for the record, is not recommended to do at home before you're in labor), Dr. Sharma weighs in on whether several common methods of naturally inducing labor actually work. Oh, and in case you were wondering: overconsumption of pineapple juice can lead to electrolyte imbalance and dehydration - but not labor. Sorry, Mom! The information in this article is not medical advice. You should always consult your doctor regarding matters pertaining to your health and before starting any type of medical treatment. Can you Naturally Induce Labor With Castor Oil? There's so evidence that castor oil can work. One very small study of 103 people from 2000 found that pregnant people who drink a single oral dose of castor oil (60 mL) had an increased likelihood of initiation of labor within 24 hours. A 2018 study of 81 people with low-risk, post-term pregnancies also found that castor oil helped induce labor. But it's hard to extrapolate much from small studies, and the castor oil method comes with a cost. "Castor oil can result in significant abdominal discomfort, diarrhea, nausea, and even vomiting," Dr. Sharma says. One 2013 review of three studies, involving 233 people, found that all of the participants who took castor oil felt nauseous. Can You Naturally Induce Labor With Sex? Sexual intercourse has also been touted as being effective at inducing labor, as semen contains prostaglandins, substances that help soften the cervix and stimulate contractions, reports Healthline. Oxytocin - the "love hormone" that the body releases during intimate moments - also regulates contractions, Dr. Sharma says. (In fact, pitocin, a medicine commonly used to induce labor at the hospital, is a synthetic form of oxytocin.) But a 2019 review involving 1,483 people found there isn't enough evidence to prove sex can induce labor. If you're not already in labor, it's unlikely that sex will help prompt your body to get going. You can still ask your doctor if it's safe to give it a try, but Dr. Sharma warns that sex can increase irritation to the cervix and side effects can include spotting or even bleeding - so definitely ask. Can You Naturally Induce Labor With Nipple Stimulation? Stimulating nipples can release oxytocin, too. But Dr. Sharma says nipple stimulation - while fun - may not be sufficient enough to induce labor naturally. Can You Naturally Induce Labor With Exercise? "Increasing your walking and rolling your pelvis gently on an exercise ball are two ways that can help with inducing labor," Dr. Sharma says. "But what is extremely important to prepare for labor is to eat and drink normally, and also to work on stretching to prepare your body for the difficult work of labor." It's especially important to stay hydrated as you approach (and sometimes pass) your due date, as Dr. Sharma says dehydration can cause contractions without cervical change. Ultimately, Dr. Sharma recommends patience. "When your body is ready to go into labor, it will," she says. "Sometimes, it is best to allow your body to have this happen naturally, as hard as it is to wait." https://www.popsugar.com/family/how-to-induce-labor-naturally-49195031?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[kimseokjin2024]

The music of “forever boy” Jin

A look at his solo songs [2022.11.15]

Whenever I see Jin from BTS and how radiant he is, he seems just like a boy to me. As an idol, he naturally wears many faces, but that’s my overall impression of him. Though he has some sharp, handsome features, his soft face makes him look younger than he is. He’s always cracking little jokes with the other members of BTS and their staff in all their videos. He’s been a big fan of the game Maple Story for half his life and likes cute characters like RJ, the character he created for the group’s BT21 line. At the same time, he comes off as very upright and elegant, looking good in a suit and maintaining excellent posture in any position. His consideration of others comes across in his gentle way of speaking and occasional idle chatter, and he stays levelheaded in tight situations, emphasizing the importance of keeping the music sincere. He’s one of the less open of the BTS members, but it’s not to maintain an affected air of mystery—more that he chooses his words carefully because he only wants to share the good parts with his fans. Similar to a metaphor he used in a previous interview, Jin is the kind of person who wouldn’t cross the street on a “don’t walk” signal, even when no one’s around to catch him. Looking at the full context of what he said, he wasn’t exemplifying strict obedience to social norms but a conviction that being good is the right way to act. His is the image of a lifelong boy or an adult who’s pure of heart.

Jin’s vocals are a part of that image as well: boyish, yet mature. Of all the BTS members, his are the most straightforward. He has a soft, beautiful voice, but he can also reach high notes with such force as to be cathartic. Sometimes his voice is also slightly, but nonetheless recognizably, nasal, adding to his vocal tone a childlike quality well-suited to his beautiful voice. He leverages this to make some of his performances sound affectionate and others plaintive. The song “Yours” from the Jirisan soundtrack is a perfect example. His soft, boyish voice sounds like it’s going to break but never does, sounding plaintive yet elegant—like a plant growing on the side of a rocky mountain, tender but never broken.

The influence of older Korean pop music on his vocal style is clear as well. He’ll sing the opening note of a song like a sigh or else bend it (a technique where the singer starts at one note and slides to another). This works especially well when he’s singing pop songs from the 1990s and 2000s in various videos from Run BTS and BANGTAN BOMB, among others. This technique makes his songs sound more mature, drawing an interesting contrast with his otherwise youthful voice. The effect is electrifying—like a child actor reciting difficult lines in a historical drama or a manager who’s used to baby-talking at home and accidentally speaks the same way to his employees. Such contradictory ingredients make for a sweet mix.

Jin’s solo songs all have a number of things in common. They tend to center more around melody than rhythm, have poetic lyrics, use a slower tempo and are Korean-style (or even rock) ballads rather than hip hop. The first song he ever covered online was “Mom” by Ra.D—a favorite among teens—and his first solo song on a BTS album was “Awake,” a ballad featuring a lush string section and melodic vocals. His next solo song, “Epiphany,” takes the ballad parts of “Awake” and builds up to an arena rock song. He also uploaded a cover of Yoon Do Hyun’s “Autumn Outside the Post Office.” The first song he ever wrote, “Tonight,” is another ballad whose sweet lyrics tell the story of having to part with one’s pet. He also wrote a folk ballad about depression, “Abyss,” which features a simple composition and uses words sparingly to get its message across.

In that respect, this differentiates his solo music from the cutting-edge(?) style of K-pop that BTS ushered in with their debut in 2013 and continued with throughout the 2010s. At least for their singles, BTS focuses on K-pop with complex rhythms, mainly leaning toward hip hop/R&B and EDM. Before introducing BTS, BIGHIT MUSIC (then Big Hit Entertainment) was known for their ballads in the vein of groups like 2AM and 8eight, but once BTS came in, the label made their mark with these faster-paced songs. Thanks to Jin’s solo work, the rising strings of these ballads of old are under the BTS umbrella as well. When “Awake” was released in 2016, SUGA told Jin that he never realized they could have ballads like that on their albums and said he enjoyed listening to it (WINGS concept book). In that way, Jin’s catalog of solo songs also extends one end of BTS’s musical spectrum. Using his songs as a stepping stone, BTS has come to incorporate elements of 1990s and early 2000s K-pop into their music.

It’s easy to think Jin might feel burdened, but there’s nothing in his live performances to suggest so. The most notable feature of Jin’s performances is that he’s nothing if not reliable. At any given performance, even when something goes wrong, he can be counted on to give a consistent performance. He said he felt like he might lose his voice in the lead-up to Yet to Come in Busan, his latest performance, but you never would’ve known it to see him singing. He also says that, because he felt he got into music late, he practiced intensely behind the scenes before his debut and after as well. His habit of persistent practice only served to emphasize the characteristics of his vocals already mentioned—his soft tone, straightforward sound and clean-cut image—and make them a flawless gem.

“The Astronaut,” the single Jin released in October, was a gift from British band Coldplay. It’s the second time the two have collaborated, the first being “My Universe” off Coldplay’s album Music of the Spheres, which features all the members of BTS. The writing credits for “The Astronaut” list the four performers of Coldplay, the DJ Kygo (under his legal name, Kyrre Gørvell-Dahll) and the late film score composer Jóhann Jóhannsson. The latter is credited because the song samples the soundtrack from Arrival, a movie documenting an encounter between humans and intergalactic intelligent life.

“The Astronaut” Is unmistakably both Coldplay and Jin. If you had told Jin, or any of the members of BTS, back in 2013 that they’d be collaborating with Coldplay in 2022, they never would have believed it. But to listen to “The Astronaut,” it’s clear that Coldplay’s signature sound is a good fit for Jin. I’m reminded of the band’s ballads that rose to such popularity in Korea in the 2000s. The hallmarks of Coldplay’s sound—Chris Martin’s ear for catchy melodies, the songs’ rich guitars and pianos, the straightforward yet oddly comforting lyrics—are all heard in songs like “Yellow” (Parachutes, their debut album in 2000), “The Scientist” (A Rush of Blood to the Head, their second album) and “Fix You” (X&Y, their third album). A lot of Korean pop music lovers liked these songs because of those characteristics even if they weren’t terribly familiar with other music from abroad.

Both Jin and Coldplay have a history of tying together the themes of love and space. Jin did so on “Mikrokosmos” and “Moon” (his solo song off MAP OF THE SOUL: 7), while Coldplay put a fairytale spin on the universe with their most recent album, Music of the Spheres. Fans had a theory that the imaginary planet that appeared in the poster for Jin’s song could be the last planet in the story within Coldplay’s album. Coldplay is no stranger to writing songs about time, the stars in space, love and comfort. It was true when they were in their post-Britpop phase of the 2000s, it was true as they came to explore popular genres outside rock through the 2010s and it remains true to this day. The cosmic synths that form the center of “The Astronaut” come courtesy of Norwegian EDM producer Kygo and make the song that much more remarkable.

The Korean lyrics, written by Jin, are a serenade sung by an aimless space traveler to his loved ones. The song also doubles as a love letter to his fans, ARMY, ahead of his military service. The Little Prince-like image of sailing past the stars is already beautiful, but knowing it’s also his way of bidding a brief goodbye makes it that much more touching. On October 28, Jin explained on Weverse Live that BE, released in late 2020, would be BTS’s final album before he serves. He pushed back earlier plans to enter so the group could enter the Grammy race following its release and again to hold concerts after waiting a long time for COVID-19-related social distancing restrictions to be eased. He hinted at his future plans during their “BTS Dinner Party” video in June this year but they were delayed once more when the group was asked to perform in October to support Busan’s bid for the World Expo. In the two years his plans were repeatedly delayed, the question of Korean pop superstars BTS’s military service was widely talked about. I imagine he likely underwent a lot of stress on a personal level. Nevertheless, his parting present to fans is a song full of thoughtful words and delivered with love. The song, like Jin, is radiant and wise.

I keep emphasizing how youthful Jin is, but he was actually the only member of BTS to join the group as an adult. This placed Jin in a unique position to take care of his younger bandmates as they went through the life-defining transition from adolescence to adulthood. Though he entered the industry with his personality already largely solidified, he was always the oldest of the BTS boys that ARMY would see. He’s like a “forever boy,” and one who exists as a paradox: an adult from the outset who helped young fans of BTS to grow. And perhaps he’s a more affectionate boy for this reason.

Source: Weverse Magazine

[thankyoumskobayashi]

more to add onto here. kuuga and gaim spoilers here

fourth of all, the jyamato. we've already established that they're plant-based and they have their own language similar to Japanese. this puts them as the spiritual successors to the Grongi from Kuuga, who conversed in a language that was not Japanese, and the protagonists also couldn't understand their language. All that aside, what really puts the Jyamato as Grongi successors is the fact that for centuries, millennia possibly, the Jyamato have devised cruel and unusual methods of killing innocent civilians. Although this is endorsed by the gameshow, it is nonetheless a part of their culture due to being raised by the freaky gardener. In contrast, the Grongi, encouraged/directed by their leader Daguva, have a martial culture since at least 800 years ago of killing off the Linto (the farmer ancestors of modern-day Japanese) in a show of bloodsport. The first thing they did after being awakened in the year 2000 was get right back to murdering people. Although the methods and reasons are different, their actions and language are parallels to each other.

fifth of all, the cinematic parallels to gaim. first, we had neon and keiwa's refutation of gaim's core concept: that the world can only be changed by one person and whoever tries to stop that person should perish. By working together, they proved that changing the world sometimes requires a team effort, something likely borrowed from Kamen Rider's sister shows, Super Sentai and Precure. (Granted that I haven't watched Gaim and all of my plot knowledge comes from Dylan, I won't claim to understand much more than that. Fuck Urobuchi Gen's nihilism.) However, the fruit theme during the fruit bomb arc solidified Nadge Sparrow's position as Geats's nod to Sengoku Ryoma (Gaim). They will stop at nothing to realize a world in which they know all, and can lord that over everyone else. I think Nadge also used the bow as a more subtle nod to Ryoma's lemon but I don't remember rn. The jellybean-addicted Sugar Mommy of the Grongi's spiritual successors is the counterpart to Takatora or Marika (too early to know which so far).

something morg noted was that the contestants with the weakest desires always get eliminated first, and i think that sets a nice contrast to kamen rider ooo, where the unluckiest background characters all have one incredibly strong desire that gets sated beyond mortal enjoyment under the power of the Greeed's Yummies. imagine how much more difficult the competition would be if Mezool or Kazari was employed to do Tsumuri's job. They'd spend so long arguing with the Producer or the Devs about their shitty selection of humans, because the one living right next door to that one has a Much Stronger Desire, and if they think about it, the Fate of the World really shouldn't be left to weak-willed humans anyway... (what i'm saying is this is one thing the OG's characters are better at doing, but that's okay, because the rest of the reference is stellar). I'm still not convinced the buckles DON"T convert will of desire into raw fighting strength, because just look at Buffa! he didn't even die to Baby Chalice but Make Him Hyper Muteki. (I am trying SO HARD not to write this crossover you Don't Understand,,) But so far, the strongest force of will is Ace's desire to see his Mom.

the 2.0 in battle fight 2.0, explaiined. blade spoilers, kabuto spoilers, godspeed love spoilers/kabuto movie spoilers, den-o spoilers, and ooo spoilers (just in case) below please be warned

listen. i love blade, don't get me wrong. i've watched the 12 minute blade meme video more times than i care to count. that said, the battle fight in blade was really sloppily executed. who are the card monsters and why are they killing people? what are the risks and rewards of fighting the card monsters as a kamen rider? both of these questions don't get answered early on and the answers to these as they're revealed genuinely feel pulled out of the screenwriter's ass. (i'm not salty about the remote not working after all 4 suits have been sealed)

battle fight, was, at its core, a battle royale between standard suit deck of monsters. the winner got their wish granted by the shitty fuckin' mobius rock (fuck the mobius rock!) but that was only explained to us more than halfway through the show. the 2.0 appended to it implies an upgrade in every way. sure, we see that it's a dangerous, deadly battle royale from episode 1, where the winner gets a wish granted, but instead of becoming disinterested due to knowing all that already, mr takahashi builds the suspense by having us follow tanuki guy as he learns about the battle royale from scratch.

blade began knowing a bit about the monsters and why it was important to fight them, but i think the world ending shit was only thrown in during the early 40s episodes. however, we don't see a lot of memory-wiping stuff in blade unless it's like.... i guess hirose's dead dad's nice evil clone or something???? snyways, instead of relying on blade's vague outlines, geats does a nice job of blending some intriguing conceits and concepts from a few other kamen rider seasons.

first, the fact that contestants can get to the battle royale from anywhere in the city using their driver. this is a conceit that was used a lot in den-o, to both comedic and somber effects. geats takes this and amplifies this, with the phone calls to loved ones from the empty echoey hallway outside the battle royale lounge. (i bet that hall echoes wih the ghosts of dead riders past but we'll leave that for the fanfics, shall we?) it takes the contrast between isolation (the contestants aren't allowed to tell non-contestants about the battle royale) and connection (the phone calls as attempts to connect with the outside world) builds tension quite deliciously.

second, the fact that the focus character is a "weak, average guy" was something airlifted directly from shoji yonemura's kamen rider kabuto. the parallels between kitsune and tanuki, to tendou souji and kagami arata are almost palpable. there's even a grandma quote copypasted into the dialogue of episode 2. from the perspective of the "weak, average guy" we as an audience have the advantage of seeing the titular protagonist's brusque and rude side as well as getting to see his cool and kind side. the fact that the tanuki guy chose to sacrifice to let kitsune get the victory for the sake of humanity is parallel to a certain movie (hello godspeed love). the fact that we get to see the kitsune secretly stick up for tanuki guy to purple asshole in the card fight mission during round/wave 2 is parallel to the tendou souji who joined zect just to secretly help kagami stalk that doctor guy who got impersonated by a bunch of worms. howevery, geats makes this better by possibly swapping out the supporting cast each new wave/world. i can't wait to see who the next supporting cast will be!

third, straight from my heart and soul, the power behind the battle royale contestants' strengths to fight is desire. if you've seen kamen rider ooo you know the drill. however, instead of leaving the wish up to chance if they win, like in the blade's battle fight, geats forces the contestants to confront their desires beforehand. kinda like the imagin from den-o and the greeed from ooo, the characters must all make a wish, before confronting their own mortality and gambling their lives towards something they've always wanted. now, i have no doubt hino eiji would be a monster in this colisseum, but let's save that for the fanfiction as well. during the ensuing fights and power struggles, the contestants are once again reminded of their reasons for fighting, and that guides their decisions into the battle royale we see today. it's also lightly implied that the battle royale is powered by the strengths of the contestants' desires, but let's save that conversation for once again when i have more evidence to back it up.

anyways, battle fight two point oh is better in almost every way than blade's battle fights (which there were also two of, but i use point oh to disambiguate between blade's and geats's). i lobe blade but it was like watching a train wreck i just can't look away. geats is something else. i haven't yet figured out what metaphor defines it yet. but i'm thinking about it.

[quietchanges]

21 in 21

tagged by @kandidlyrandom ☺️

21 in 2021

Rules! Choose 21 books you want to read or goals you want to achieve in 2021. That’s it! It can be a mix of books and goals, or 21 books, or 21 goals…. it’s up to you. Then tag some friends to play along.

1. My new years resolution for the past few years has been to read at least the same number of books as i read the previous year, so this year the goal is 18 or more. I beat 2019 by 3 books but going out less due to the pandemic defnitely contributed to that so we’ll see if I still have as much free time this year (most likely will the way things are going oof.)

2. I love period novels but I feel like they’re always from late, 1700′s and beyond. This year I want to read more medieval lit and contemporary novels set in medieval times (but like, actual medieval times not fantasy style)

3. I started getting obsessed with books about bands and musicians late last year so hopefully I’ll read more of those too

now for books (I probably will change these as the year goes and I have no clue if I’ll actually finish them all haha)

4. The Invisible Life of Addie La Rue. (currently reading, I started it during the last week of 2020 and it’s taking me a while because of school and the author’s pretentious writing style but I do really like it regardless)

5. Songteller by Dolly Parton

6. The Inferno by Dante 

7. Let Love Rule by Lenny Kravitz

8. Lost Splendor by Felix Yusupov (if I ever find a damn copy of this book that’s not on *m*zon I will lose my damn mind)

9. Shirley by Susan Scarf Merrell

10. Girls of the Atomic City by Denise Kiernan

11. Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia

12.Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (I have only read excerpts of this and I love shelley so I’m as surprised as you are that I haven’t read this one yet lol)

13. On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong (I’ve seen so many Vuong quotes around on the internet and I’ve heard fantastic things about this one)

14. Cat’s Eye by Margaret Atwood (one of my all time fav authors)

15. Boatman’s Daughter by Andy Davidson

16. Beloved by Toni Morrison (I read my first Morrison novel last year, Sula, and I was completely captivated the entire time, can’t believe it took me so long to pick up one of her works!)

17. Dearly by Margaret Atwood (yes more Atwood because i really can’t get enough of her)

18. Hell’s Princess by Harold Schecter

19. Beren and Luthien by JRR Tolkien (a very dear friend of mine gifted me a copy while we were in high school and I love the tale but I haven’t read that version of it, like, I’ve read the silmarillion but not the isolated tale)

20. The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco

21. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (this one is last but definitely not least. I plan to read this massive book over the spring and summer quarters that I’ll have off before transferring colleges)

I might stick to this but most likely won’t haha, I read whatever pulls me in at the moment, and I’ll definitely be reading some books for school, but these are ones either on my shelf or on my “to be acquired” list haha.

I tag anyone who wants to, feel free to tag me and say I tagged you! :)

[littlebabyyd0ll]

12. christmas shopping, daddy!steve rogers

— while doing some last minute shopping in new york, little!reader finds herself crumbling down. her daddy is the only solution to the problem.

— daddy!steve rogers x little!reader (feat. bucky)

— angst! dd/lg tones. reader cries a lot. panic attack? much comfort, mentions of reader being able to push their hair back and the cold turning their skin red. hyperfem!reader? bucky being an angel <3

— word count: 2000+

support my work 🎄navigation 🎄 masterlist

A heavy crinkle and a solid rip become louder than the crowd around you, arm pulled back by the force of someone barging into you in the massive crowd. A small gasp left your lips as your body turned slightly, knocking into Steve, who was right behind you. His hand lay tight on your shoulder, ensuring you don't get lost in the sea of bobbing heads and frantic shoppers. The shove doesn't phase him, completely moving when your weight falls against him. Its not that he doesn't notice, but his head is somewhere else entirely. What with Christmas approaching, it doesn't become difficult for Steve to get distracted. He loves the holidays, always has, but ever since coming out of the ice, his mind has become clouded with frosty memories of the freezing cold.

"S-sorry," you call out, even though whoever ripped your bag most definitely shoved you, not the other way around. Your head drops downwards, hairs framing your face as you study the damage to your bag. Thankfully, all of its contents were still in place, the hole covered from the inside by a thick cable cardigan that you'd purchased for a certain Sokovian redhead.

"You okay, baby?" It's almost as though you can feel the blood rushing through your head, ears becoming tinted in the cold air and at the sudden flush of being bumped into. Steve's voice is hard to hear over the hustle and bustle of New York City. Though familiar, it seems to float in the wind, as though falling further and further away from you.

"Yeah," you murmur sheepishly with a miniscule nod, not wanting to cause any form of upset. You hate the thought of Steve being distressed, and knowing what the holiday season did to him, it seemed a far better option to keep the peace.

His large hand rubs over your pink coat, a silent notion to show that he heard you. It doesn't take much for you to be in need of Steve's physical touch - he can't even count the amount of times that you'd come bundling towards him when he walks through the door, you sweet little 'Daddy!' floating through the air as he lifts you into his arms. All the nights that you refuse to untangle yourself from his arm, all four of your limbs wrapped around one of his. Even in your sleep, you refuse to leave his side. Even when he plaits your hair so gently, you can't help but turn you head and plant a soft kiss against his knuckles. His sweet little girl - always so gentle and needy. He wouldn't change it for the world, which is why when your little mitten covered fingers find his gloveless ones, he can't help but feel a little brighter.

But he can hear it. You might not be able to, what with your lacking in super solider abilities and with the masses around you, but now that he's more aware of what's going on around him, Steve picks it u almost instantly. Your heart is beating quicker. Sure, there's the way that your heart always beats around him; slightly quicker, missing a beat or two in the depths of your excitement. But this is different. Panicked, shakier.

With furrowed brows and shuffled steps, Steve leans down closer to you, bending to try and match your much shorter height. "Do you wanna leave, Bunny? We can go any time you want to."

Still, you shook your head no. "I'm okay, Daddy." The words are quiet and small, causing the captain's concerns to grow. Sometimes you got sheepish in public, and that's okay. But you barely ever call him by his title in front of the other Avengers, let alone in public. reluctantly, he stands back up straight, giving your gloved hand a gentle squeeze. You shiver slightly in the cold, little nose tinted by the snowy air.

For a while, things do seem okay. You mutter quietly as you look around shops, stand by idly as fas ask to take pictures with the one and only Captain America, insist that its your fault when someone stands on your foot. But it all comes crashing down as you step out of a fancy shop.

You're happily murmuring, pleased with the gift that you'd just managed to score for Sam, when someone's form collides right with yours. You slip, falling down the last step and into the icy streets below with a gasp.

"Watch where you're walking, asshole!" the passerby shouts, completely ignorant to the distress that they had caused. They go on their merry way, bumping against more members of the public and spewing out profanities.

But the damage is done. You're already crying by the time that you rise on your wobbly knees, trembling like a leaf and calling out for Steve. He's behind you in an instant, picking up the fallen shopping bags from the floor and thanking those who quickly help. And then he's up, looking down into your shimmery eyes as you whine for him. Rushing forward and burying yourself in his chest, you cry out, "h-hurts, daddy!"

It's a blur, really, how he gets you back to the compound so quickly. Even with you quivering in his arms, Steve works fast and with agility you could only ever wish to possess. He even brushes past Bucky, who had opened up his arms in invitation for you - as he did most days when you returned from being out far too long. The look on his face is twisted, hurt by the lack of notice. But then, as he turns to watch Steve's back retreat into your shared room, it all makes sense. Your little face, flushed and stained with tears looks cold and frightened, eyes glimmering against the warm lights of the Christmas tree, stacked with neatly wrapped gifts underneath. His heart almost breaks at the sight of you, hair dishevelled and lip wobbling, clambering onto Steve with another whine, gloved hands shaking in the fabric of his coat. A sob slips from your throat, and Bucky watches Steve try his best to soothe you all the while walking, bouncing you gently. The shopping bags crash rom Steves hands the second you both pass the threshold. And then, the door shuts.

He tries hard to put you down onto the bed, but you just can't let yourself leave his hold. More cries escape your lips, followed by little 'n-no!'s, hiccuped and rushed. You hold onto him tighter than you ever have before. Steve adores feeling needed as much as you make him feel needed, but his heart aches at the presence of your distress.

"C'mon, baby." He tries hard to coax you, warm hand running up and down your back. "Daddy just wants to help you. Let Daddy help you, Angel." Your tears have soaked into the fabric of his blue sweater. "Don't cry, sweet girl. please don't cry." He speaks again, having given up trying to put you down onto the cotton sheets. "We're gonna make it better, it's gonna be okay, you're okay." He holds you into him, all the while subtly shuffling you coat out of your shaking arms and down to the floor. As your face digs down into his shoulders he makes quick work of your shower, slipping them off effortlessly. "There we go, good girl. Good girl for letting Daddy take care of you, huh? You're so brave, baby, doing such a good job for me."

You twitch at the sound of his praise. His gentle voice aids you out of his shoulder. Steve pushes your hair back, past your ear before his palm lowers slightly, resting upon your tear soaked cheek. The sandy haired man rubs his thumb upon the surface of your skin, looking down at his whole world, all bundled in his arms and seeking comfort from him, only him. Your lip wobbles, "d-doin' good for you?" If possible, his heart breaks all over again at the shake in your voice.

Steve nods wholeheartedly, eyes soft and loving. "The best job, honey. Daddy's so proud of you." Subconsciously, your little head nods, reciprocating his actions without realising. Steve can't help but smile. His skin is tender against yours, tracing the fine lines of your face with his thumb. His ocean blue eyes shift in real time, taking in every ounce of your slowly calming form. You still tremble slightly and your hands are still covered by the white mittens that you put on hers ago, but your tears have began to stop. Sobs haven't escaped your lips for a solid minute, and you've taken to soothing yourself with his thumb. ever so slowly it had crept towards your wobbling lips, and there it settled peacefully. The tiny suckles feel familiar against Steve's calloused thumb, always on offer when the world overwhelms you a little too much. Even as your rapid heartbeat slows, Steve still shushes you gently, pressing delicate kisses onto your cool forehead. Back and forth he sways you both slightly, consoling you in any way possible.

It takes a mountain of effort, but eventually you daddy gets you out of your snow ridden clothes. he laid you down onto the mattress, underwear covered form shivering in the cold, insisting that you hold tightly on to your stuffed bunny. You bring the bunny to your face, burying your nose in the familiar scent of his fur as Steve pulls the pyjama bottoms up your legs. When the matching op comes over your chest, you're already whining to be back in his arms with grabby hands. The sandy haired man cooes, effortlessly picking you back up into his arms where he holds you for what he wishes to be eternity. This time, it's your own thumb that slots between your lips, fist still clenching down on the stuffed animal.

Three steady knocks wrack against your bedroom door. With a small whine you try to bury yourself further into Steve's skin. His hand rubs against your back as he calls out, asking who is on the other side of the door.

To both of your relief, a familiar raven haired man's voice filters through the gaps of the door. "It's Bucky. Can I come in?"

Steve takes a moment, looking down at you. Your tired eyes stare up at him, still sucking at your thumb. "What do you think, baby? Can Bucky come in?" His voice is still so soft with you, knowing full well how deep into the little mindset you are. Steve wants this to be your choice - you're so soft and sweet and vulnerable, he'd hate to be the one to take the settling calm away from you.

Slowly, but surely, you nod your head.

With Steve's verbal permission, Bucky pushes past the doorway. He looks a little disheartened, grey eyes instantly falling on your vulnerable form, all snuggled into your daddy's chest, You look ten times more relaxed than when you first entered the complex in Steve's arms, but he can't mistake the dried tears on your cheeks or the red in your eyes, the way your lashes have clumped together with the wetness. An unconscious pout makes its way to his lips, eyes moving to Steve in silent questioning; 'is she okay?'. The blond gives a subtle nod, his chin resting against the crown of your head as he sways you both.

"Hi, pumpkin. You doin' okay?" You don't say anything, only tiredly blinking and giving a small nod. You're not the best, but things are slowly getting better. "Yeah? Bet you're tired, huh? You've had a long day." He doesn't know exactly what happened, but your tiny nod tells him all that he could possibly need to know. In moments like this he couldn't be more thankful for your close friendship, that he gets to see you like this, gets to watch the way you interact with your one true love. He years for it himself. The way your cheek presses into Steve's shoulder, your legs wrapped around him as tight as possible, your stuffed bunny tucked in close. One day, he'll have something like that for himself.

But for now he settles on spoiling his favourite little girl.

"Made you this." Bucky offers a smile as he presents the mug settled into his vibrainum hand. A little gingerbread house mug, filled to the brim with hot chocolate and pink marshmallows. A Bucky specialty, nobody makes a hot chocolate like he does. It piques your interest, Head rising softly from Steve's shoulder. "Thought it might help calm you down a little. Gave you extra mashmallows." He passes the mug towards Steve, who takes it with a small, appreciative nod. "You call me if you need anything, okay?"

Finally, after what feels like hours, you crack a tiny smile. "Thank you, Buck.' The words are lisped, tainted by the presence of your thumb.

Steve's smile grows at the unprompted thank you. His good, sweet girl. So polite, so sweet.

The raven haired man beams brighter than ever before. "Any day, sweetheart."

[etcrow]

First fight, first date

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Genre: fluff, angst

Characters: GN! MC x Solomon

Universe: Obey Me

Warnings: MC uses adult language sometimes cause they are a little brat

A/N: I used one of the DG cards as inspiration. I appreciate whoever likes or reblog

Word Count: 2000

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Solomon. Of all the people in the three realms, did you really have to like him?

It had already been two months since you realized you felt something for him and had spent them denying the obvious for just as long. How did you understand it? Simple; spending time with him had suddenly become essential. You used to be a person who preferred to be alone, with a difficult temper, and Solomon could read you perfectly.

  One day, on your way back from school, you waited for him like a poor idiot and, not seeing him coming, you went to Purgatory Hall to see where he had gone. He promised you that you would go out together, but he didn't show up. Simeon had told you that he had an appointment with a person and you had felt a strong pain in the heart. In response, you clenched your fists in anger and walked away without saying anything. Did he promise you that you would see each other, and he would date someone else?

You had reached the door when it opened in front of you, and you saw Solomon. You had looked at him with hatred and he had been stunned for a second, realizing his broken promise late.

"MC, I..."

You had angrily moved him out of the door, going out. "Stupid me who thought you wanted to be my friend. Next time remember your commitments, idiot." He had grabbed you by the wrist, serious. "Why don't you stop it once and for all to be a baby?"

For a second, he had realized with horror what he had told you, then, seeing your gaze, he had stiffened, hearing your bitter laugh. "Do you really think I need your friendship? Fuck it, you just do me a favor. Don't try to talk to me ever again." That said, you freed yourself from his grip and walked away.

Once in your room, you dropped on the floor and started crying, realizing the terrible truth that you felt something for him, and you were just jealous.

  You had spent your days avoiding him, even though everyone had seen how you both were suffering. Solomon had unthinkably stopped talking and being pungent, while you came back from school to lock yourself in your room and not say a word. Mammon had tried to get you to eat, but you threw behind him the pack of cookies he had brought you, shouting at him to get out. He had remained silent, staring at the cookies on the ground and picking them up, going out. You didn't want him to see you cry.

  Days later, Asmo had knocked on your door and you had not answered. You had decided to skip classes. He, furious, had sent a message to Solomon, writing to him that you two had to talk about it. He replied that he had already tried to talk to you, but you had avoided him, looking at him with hatred.

'I don't even care if he set your cloak on fire. Go. Talk. To. Him.'

Solomon had stared at the screen of his DDD, reading Asmo's passive-aggressive message and sighing. He had tried to apologize in every way to you, but by now he understood that you wanted to avoid him.

  He had taken courage and went to the House of Lamentation, knocking at your door. Obviously he had not received a response. To his surprise, he had found the door to your room open and defying fate, had entered.

The light in your room was off and Solomon had walked silently so as not to be heard. Although in the dark, he could see a tuft of hair sticking out from under the covers. You were probably sleeping.

He had cast a spell and a small light had begun to circle the room, illuminating it. It was bright enough to allow him to see but not too much to wake you up.

The sorcerer had looked sadly at your bed, barely holding back from sitting there. Instead, he had opted to look on your desk, intrigued that there was one of his books. After your quarrel, you had no way to return it to him.

Solomon had taken it, and something had fallen to the ground. A photo? He had bent down to pick it up and seeing it, he had felt a pang in his heart. He didn't think you would keep it.

In the picture you were, with a long face, next to him. Asmo had taken it on the sorcerer's birthday, and you had made so many stories that he had seriously thought you had burned it or thrown it away.

A noise coming from your bed had made him put on the alert, causing him to turn slowly. You were watching him, in silence. You didn't even have the strength to yell at him to get out.

Solomon had slowly approached, sitting on your bed, handing you the picture. You had taken it and rested it on the bedside table. "What do you want" you asked him then, not deigning to look at him.

He had watched you silently, dwelling on his hands. You probably punched the wall.

"I... sorry for the other day. They asked me for a hand for a project and dragged me away without letting me reply"

You had snorted and the sorcerer had sighed. Apologizing wasn't working so well. Slowly, he had taken a hand from you, and you had stiffened, staring at him. Solomon wasn't looking at you, he was too focused on watching your hands. He had whispered a spell and they were back as new.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, and you were undecided whether to take your hand away or do nothing. He had left a furtive caress on your hand, and you had thanked that it was dark because you were probably blushing.

Then, an idea flashed in his mind. "Get ready, we go out"

You had observed it, confused. What the hell was he trying to do? Hadn't you even forgiven him, and he was already plotting something?

You shook your head, and he held your hand, looking into your eyes. "I'm trying to make myself forgiven. How about collaborating?"

"As long as you don't waste my time"

Finally, you had spoken. He missed your voice so much. Solomon smiled, then got up to wait for you outside.

You had tiredly got out of bed, sighing. On the one hand you were happy, but on the other you did not want to deceive yourself. What did he want from you? He was probably coming up with something to stop feeling bad.

Once you left the room, Solomon had taken you by the hand and you were a little shocked by it. Why the hell was he holding your hand? He hadn't looked you in the face, but he was smiling.

You didn't know whether to let him hold your hand or not, because you were afraid that one of the brothers might see you, but then you let him do it, but without returning the squeeze.

Solomon was fine with that. He knew that even letting yourself be touched by someone was a great effort for you.

Hearing a sound of footsteps, he opened a window, jumping out. You were stunned while, to your amazement, you saw the sorcerer who was literally flying.

"What the hell...?"

Solomon had laughed, reaching out a hand to you. "Come on, I'll take you for a ride."

You didn't know what to do, but the insistent sound of footsteps had led you to accept the offer and take his hand. Soon after, both you and Solomon were flying over Devil Doom together. Panicked you closed your eyes and without realizing it you held his hand harder.

You had passed the route keeping your eyes closed, then, hearing Solomon stiffen, you had opened them, noticing that you were losing altitude.  To your misfortune, something had caused Solomon to lose control and you were falling apart.

After a disastrous fall, you found yourself in Solomon’s arms, who had held you tight to himself so as not to hurt you during the makeshift landing.  You wanted to stay in his arms forever, but instead you had detached yourself from his embrace, bringing a hand to your head.

Luckily you wasn’t hurt, except a slight blow to the head. Solomon, on the other hand, seemed to have taken a big hit because he was lying on the ground.  He had murmured an 'Ouch' and you teased him with a 'Thank you all for flying with MONSolo airlines. We apologize for landing as an imbecile'

He had laughed, sit awkwardly.  "Not one of my best performances, I have to admit"

"What intentions did you have?"

"I told you, I wanted to be forgiven"

You had looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Killing us?"

"What can I say. Even a double suicide has its romantic side"

After that joke, you punched him in the arm and he burst out laughing and, without much warning, hugged you, leaving you dumbfounded. Not knowing what to do you had awkwardly reciprocated the embrace, closing your eyes.

"Idiot. What's there, did you miss me?"

Solomon had squeezed you tighter and you could feel your heart beating wildly.  It was true; he had missed you every day. He even missed your insults, but especially moments like these, spent with you. He would have loved to tell you how much he missed you, when the ringtone of your DDD had interrupted him.

You almost threw him to the ground in frustration when you read the name 'Lucifer'.

He had found out that you had sneaked out secretly and was "kindly" asking you to go home because dinner was almost ready. You wanted to scream so much, but you just said 'Okay' and closed the call.

Solomon, who had witnessed the scene, realized something was wrong, so he stood up to bring you back. You had sighed a 'Thank you, Lucifer', getting up too.

  You hadn't spoken on the way home, but Solomon hadn't missed the opportunity to hold your hand. You had let him do it, a little confused by his gesture. You didn't know what he wanted to do or why he was doing it.

Once you got to the front of the House of Lamentation, you tried to leave his hand, but he squeezed it tighter, looking at you.  You were almost about to ask him what he still wanted, when he had leaned out to give you a kiss. You had stiffened for a second and when you were about to reciprocate the kiss, the voice of someone in the distance had made you jump.

Asmo was calling you from the window, but he seemed to have seen nothing.

After a sigh of relief, you turned to Solomon, who was looking at you, a little embarrassed.  "What can I say, a bit of a fiasco as a first date, huh?"

You had raised an eyebrow, smiling mockingly.  "Eh, you could have done better"

He had laughed, bringing a hand behind his head.  "Forgiven?"

You had nodded. "Forgiven"

You had turned to the window, checking if Asmo was still there. He was probably on his way to the door. With a snap you had leaned towards Solomon to give him another kiss, leaving him speechless. "Next time better organized" and said that you had run away to the entrance so as not to arouse suspicion.

Once the door behind you was closed, Solomon shrugged his shoulders and headed for Purgatory Hall, with a stupid smile on his face.

[there-must-be-a-lock]

Contact Comfort

Spencer Reid x (gender neutral) Reader

Word Count: ~2000

Warnings: None, really? Emotional hurt/comfort and sorta like a touch starved deal doing on, but it’s pretty thoroughly fluffy and sugary-sweet. 

A/N: For the “bed sharing” square on my @cmbingo​ card! 

Title is from the referenced psych study, because I’m a dork. 

“One sec,” you call, wincing at how thick and nasal your voice sounds.

You wipe your cheeks hastily as you sit up. It’ll be obvious anyway, though; wouldn’t take a profiler to notice your tear tracks and blotchy face. 

It’s Spencer. Of course it is — because he’s the last person you want to see you like this, when you’re all snotty and puffy and gross. 

His eyes go wide and solemn when he sees your face, genuinely distressed. There’s that empathy again, the too-big heart that everyone seems to overlook in favor of his big brain. You love him for it. 

Well, you love him for a lot of things. 

“Hi,” he says quietly. “I was going to just ask if you were okay, but… I guess I don’t actually need to ask now.” 

You let out a watery little chuckle. “Guess not.” 

“You want some company?” He looks hopeful, almost, and then seems to catch himself, dropping his gaze with a shrug. “I understand if you just want your space, though.” 

If it was anyone else, you absolutely would not want company right now. But it’s Spencer, so. You pretty much always want him around. 

“I was just about to turn on some shitty TV because it felt too quiet in here, honestly. Company would be really nice.” 

He gives you a quick twitch of a half-smile as he steps past you, and after you close the door, there’s a pause where you both stand there and look at each other, Spencer suddenly shy as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks, in a thin unhappy voice. 

“Not really. Just… one of those days. One of those cases.” 

“Can I do anything to help?”  

You hesitate, because it seems like such an immature thing to say out loud, but you’re too tired to be anything other than honest.

“I could use a hug.”  

Spencer’s expression goes all soft and sweet, and your cheeks feel hot under the drying salt water as he steps closer. He wraps his arms around you, and you bury your face in his chest and try to inhale. Your exhale is a ragged little shudder, and you fist both hands in the back of Spencer’s cardigan as you cling to him, feeling raw and sensitive and so very young. 

He lets out a quiet, shaky sigh of his own, squeezing you tighter. 

How long has it been since anybody hugged you like this? It’s like the contact — the warmth of him — the pressure of his arms around your shoulders — the rise and fall of his chest under your cheek — is lifting some massive weight you never realized you were carrying. All you want in the entire world is to hold him tight, take the comfort while you can, but you know you should pull away. 

He hesitates for a second before releasing you, like maybe he doesn’t want to let go either. 

Then he’s stepping back, hands in his pockets, slightly pink-cheeked as he bounces on the balls of his feet and gives you one of his frog-faced not-quite-smiles. 

“You said something about shitty television?” he asks. “Or maybe we could watch some television that’s not actually shitty?” 

“That sounds perfect.”

Turns out Planet Earth is on, which is the rare overlap in your and Spencer’s tastes, and it’s not until you’re eagerly toeing off your shoes that you realize the bed is the only seating option. 

Spencer sits cross-legged, with his elbows on his knees and his chin propped on his fists, and he stays as close to the edge of the bed as physically possible. You lean back against the headboard and hug your knees to your chest, feeling the need to hunch over, like you could physically protect your heart. 

Then again, it’s much too late for that. You knew your heart was in trouble the moment you met Spencer. 

Today, especially, you already feel vulnerable, like all your carefully-constructed walls cracked open the second you let yourself cry, and now you’re just ripped-open and bare. You need a good night’s sleep and a long, hot shower before you’ll be able to go about your life as a professional, fully-functional, grown-up human again. Right now you’re just kind of a mess.  

“I know there’s the germ thing,” you blurt out, without looking at Spencer. “But —” 

His laugh sounds crackly and nervous, but relieved, like maybe he’d been holding his breath. “Come here.” 

You give him a grateful smile as you scoot closer to each other, and apparently you’d been so worried about your own swollen eyes earlier that you hadn’t noticed the fatigue evident in every drawn, wan line of his face. 

Not that he isn’t still the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. 

You duck tentatively under Spencer’s arm, and it’s not like you’re cuddling, exactly, because there’s still an inch or so of space between your hips and legs… but the bony plane of his chest, between collarbone and heart, makes a surprisingly perfect pillow. You pull the sleeves of your sweater over your hands, tucking them under your chin, curling up.

The moment feels delicate, like a soap bubble that you could burst if you simply breathe too loudly, and you hold yourself stiffly, at first, not wanting to move any closer for fear of pushing a boundary. It feels like you’re glowing at the points where your bodies are touching; the warm weight of his arm feels like bright spring sunshine across your upper back. His palm on the round of your shoulder is thawing away the last chilly bits of your self-consciousness. 

When the commercial break starts, Spencer says, “Do you ever think about how little physical contact the average single adult experiences on a regular basis?” His voice is quiet and almost sheepish. 

You smile. “Yeah, I’ve considered it.” 

“Especially when we live away from our families,” Spencer says wistfully. 

You can feel the vibration of his words in his chest. You shift, making yourself more comfortable, feeling dazed and dumb with his proximity.

“The monkeys. I feel like — you know?” 

“Harlow. I know exactly what you mean.”

Trust him to get that from your ridiculously vague mumbling.  

“Except they’re babies,” you add. 

“The emotional benefits of physical touch don’t decrease just because we get older,” he says softly. “It’s just that the fear of judgement makes it difficult to be honest.”

There’s silence for a minute as the show starts again, and David Attenborough says something about sloths. Spencer’s thumb strokes your shoulder gently, back and forth, soothing. It’s hypnotic, and the tension drains from your muscles, leaving you more relaxed than you’ve felt in a long time. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. 

You swallow hard. “For what?” 

“Being honest.” 

There’s no reason for your eyes to be stinging like this, but they are. “I should be thanking you.”

“Nothing to thank me for. This is… really nice.” 

“Yeah. It really is.” 

He’s quiet again. 

Spencer smells like vanilla and old books — although the latter might just be your imagination, something to do with the power of mental association — Spencer could probably explain the science behind that. Your brain has them inextricably linked, though. You’ve caught hints of that smell before, but never up close like this. 

The softness of the worn knit of his cardigan makes you want to rub your cheek against it like a cat. His arm, skinny as it may be, feels like protection — like you’re safe here. 

After the brutal violence of the case and the emotional turbulence of the day, this quiet, golden moment is even more breathtakingly peaceful by contrast. It doesn’t feel real. 

It’s too good to last. This isn’t yours. It’s not going to last, no matter how right it feels, and your chest already aches with the idea of letting him go.    

You try to appreciate it while you can, to remember every sensation, but your body is leaden, exhausted down to the bone, completely drained of whatever adrenaline-stubbornness-caffeine combination was keeping you running until now. Spencer’s thumb rubs invisible circles on your shoulder, and he breathes evenly, and you feel safe. 

You’re asleep before the next commercial break. 

A distant car alarm wakes you, sometime later. In the handful of seconds before it’s turned off, you come to without opening your eyes, trying to remember where you are and who you’re with. The smell of vanilla makes you relax instinctively, before you can process why. 

Spencer has all but melted against you in his sleep, soft and boneless. He’s got both arms around you now, holding you close, his breath tickling your forehead. Then he stirs, and you can feel the moment he realizes where he is, because his muscles go tense as he freezes. 

“Sorry,” he murmurs hoarsely. He’s barely audible over the infomercial voices coming from the TV. “I didn’t mean to — sorry. I’ll go.” 

And before you can think better of it, you whisper, “Don’t.” 

He’s still frozen, and silent for a second that feels like an eternity. “You mean —”

“I don’t want you to leave. Stay.” 

Honesty seems to be your default setting tonight, and anyway, you can tell without looking at a clock that it’s long past midnight, well into the early-morning hours where boundaries and reservations and reality don’t seem to follow their usual laws. You can’t lie to him (or to yourself) right now. 

Spencer’s voice cracks as he says, “Okay. I’ll just — let me get the light.”

You don’t open your eyes as he slips away. This all seems like a dream, and the sharp bright lamp light might make it dissolve around you. You might wake up. 

The TV goes quiet, and when you tug at the hotel comforter, sliding between cool sheets fully clothed, the barely-there rasp of moving fabric sounds loud in its absence. 

Spencer turns off the lamp, and you open your eyes. You can just see his shape as he navigates the dark room, negative space on a charcoal backdrop, but as your vision adjusts, you can see a faint suggestion of his features in the blue-black. 

You feel it, though, when his weight makes the springs of the old mattress dip. You’d expected him to lie on his back again, but instead his face is just inches from yours when his cheek comes to rest on the pillow. You feel the way he’s breathing, quick and shallow and nervous. You feel your heart kick in your ribs, thudding so loud he must be able to hear it. 

He reaches out slowly, hooking an arm around your ribs, and pauses with just the very tips of his spidery fingers touching your back, between your shoulder blades: five soft points of contact that you feel so intensely they might as well be electrode pads connecting you to a defibrillator. 

This is crossing a line, and you both know it. 

It’s not a sexual touch, it’s not that sort of thrill going through you, but something about this feels profoundly intimate. That intimacy is almost more shocking than lust might’ve been, and it’s much more dangerous. It’s the sort of closeness you don’t walk away from unscathed.  

Spencer’s fingers flutter, butterfly-wing delicate, like one or the other of you might be trembling. 

“Are you sure this is okay?” he whispers. 

“Yes.”  

Maybe you’re both trembling. 

His palm comes to rest on your back, easing you closer, and you shift, settle, readjust. He pulls back and tilts his head just long enough to brush his lips over your temple, soft and sweet, before tucking you neatly under his chin, where you fit like you were meant to be there, with your nose nudging at the gap between his collar and the delicate skin of his throat.

“Sweet dreams,” he whispers, sounding just as awed as you feel. 

“Sweet dreams, Spencer.” 

.

.

.

If you enjoyed this, please reblog or leave a message! 

More Criminal Minds fic is here. 

[meruz]

i was gonna draw tonight but i dropped my tablet pen and the barrel of the pen broke off and flew somewhere underneath (??) my bed (?) and now i cant find it so I’m just gonna answer asks before bed instead. just some art asks and more mentions of infinity train LOL

What program and brushes do you use when making your art?

@ravki hi! part of this is in my FAQ but i’ll say it again anyways LOL: I use photoshop CC and have used photoshop for pretty much....my whole art career. I’ve dabbled in clip and paint tool sai in the past but photoshop is my true wife, we eloped away from her awful father adobe many years ago and are very happy together. 

as for brushes... I should prob put this info in my FAQ too lol,... my default brush set is actually free to download here! Tho I will say I also use steve ahn’s storyboarding brush sometimes and lately i’ve been using shiyoon kim’s brushes A TON. Shiyoon’s cost a couple bucks but they’re super worth it imo

How do you choose colors?

This is kind of a difficult one to describe from scratch but hmm.... I’ll put it this way. Generally when I go into coloring or painting something I already have some colors in mind. Like for a certain piece I know I want a bright green, or a magenta, or a dark blue in certain areas. A lot of the time I know a mood I want. So I’ll start with that core color tone and build around it. I’ll use an example from a recent piece

So you can see here that the first color I accessed was that bright cyan. So I start with that bright cyan and then bring in its “friends” in the form of analogous colors (shown below on the far left)

greens greys etc. THEN I know I want the characters to stand out against all the blue so I start laying down warm contrasting colors for them (middle group). the mat under them is orange, skin tones are warm, ryans flannel is red etc. then to get them to work together I work more cool colors into the shadows and slightly warmer (not too warm because its a cool img overall so in this case, greener LOL) colors into highlights. 

hope that makes sense? for me choosing colors is a lot about story and composition. If you know what you want to say, the mood you want to create, where you want to go, the path to get there becomes a lot clearer imo.

Have you ever considered making an art book?

I have! But I don’t think I currently have enough...original illustrations for one LOL? Not that an art book has to be all original work but if I were putting fanart in an art book...at that point I’d just make a fanzine. I’m making more original work lately though so maybe this year....? Who knows. For now, I do have a sketchbook up on gumroad. Hoping to do one of those next year too.

Any tips for keeping background drawings from getting super stiff, especially since things like interiors have a lot of straight lines?

This is a really interesting ask. Really great question that I don’t think gets asked enough - forgive me if I get a bit art school here but I drew up some examples.

First I think we have to investigate the assumption that straight lines make things stiff. That seems true on an instinctual level and certainly proves to be true very often But I don’t think its actually the straight lines themselves but the sort of arrangements and compositions they tend to dictate. Take this for instance.

pretty big difference, right? there’s a couple things that make a composition feel stiff and one of the most significant is lines that are perpendicular and parallel to the frame. it feels locked in and solid, like bricks. but the moment you shift these angles even a little the composition instantly becomes more dynamic because our innate senses of weight, gravity, and directionality can sense movement.

But it’s not just diagonals let’s take this one step further

when lines meet and terminate together those tangents can flatten and lock space so the best way to solve this is with overlap and complete intersection, forms continuing past or behind each other feel more layered and less like a flat mosaic... again, even in the simplest line drawings. So how do we apply this to a background?

ok I drew this really fast so its potentially not the best example but I think the idea is there. This space isn’t even particularly deep, it’s basically a room, a doorway, and a hallway behind it, and we’re not seeing that much of any of those things LOL. but when you draw an environmental object like a doorway in a way that lines up with the perpendicular and parallel lines of the canvas you’re automatically flattening it and making it look rigid.

and when you create tangents with objects and characters you flatten the space around them and make it difficult to tell what is actually in front or behind or if they’re on the same plane.

GOD I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE. Anyways. avoid those things and you’ll instantly have less stiff bgs no matter what kind of bg you’re depicting.

I wanna mention however that this isn’t to say a stiff bg with flat space doesn’t have its purposes.

sometimes you want to create parallels and tangents. it can make characters feel closed in, trapped, regimented, part of a routine, etc. it’s also great for making a composition look ornamental (especially combined with symmetry).

directors like wes anderson can even use these compositional elements to make images feel uncanny or harrowing! its very versatile. I think the important thing is to just be aware of when you are making something rigid and when that’s the last thing you want to do. conscious choices.

Can you speak Tagalog?

@lemuelzero101​ I can! BUT NOT VERY WELL LOL ;;; both my parents are from Visayas! but they met and had me in the states lol so I’m pretty American born and raised. We go back to visit family on occasion but not regularly. My tagalog is mostly absorbed from listening to relatives at parties lol and my parents speak bisaya at home so I’m marginally better at that. Sorry to any filipinos out there hoping I’d be better educated, I’m like a little baby...

I do love meeting and talking to other filipinos online though, I grew up in an area that was relatively diverse but the asian population was small and the filipino population basically non-existent. I was like one of maybe 2 filipino kids in my highschool of 2000.

Apart from infinity train what shows are you watching now? Have you seen jujitsu kaisen?

Man this is gonna sound so boring but I haven’t watched a lot of tv lately.  It’s not really part of my daily routine. Let’s see... I was sort of watching Amphibia, Craig of the Creek, and the new Digimon Adventure 2020 but I keep falling off watching those for one reason or another. Also there’s a lot of episodes, it doesn’t feel like something I can just binge and be done with.

The last thing I binged was Succession. I want that show and Euphoria back so bad, when I’m done forcing all my friends to watch Infinity Train im cancelling my HBO subscription until Succession and Euphoria return so they know exactly what I’m on their list for LOL. 

I have not watched jujitsu kaisen but I’ve kept up with some of the sakuga news (I keep up with anime industry news and production info like x5 the amt i keep up with actual anime) for it and their compositing/editing looks dope. I’ve read the manga actually LOL or at least part of the beginning. I wasn’t super keen on the whole finger eating thing. Also to be honest I kinda feel like its the new Bleach and I never particularly cared about Bleach. Characters look nice enough tho. I wholeheartedly support jjk fans.

Thank you! Thank you @keznodzieja​! <3

And thank you anons who don’t watch infinity train LOL...it’s always nice to hear when people enjoy my fanart despite not knowing the source material because it lifts a little bit of the “oh god am I being annoying???” fear off my chest. But also I think you should watch infinity train because it’s really good I have no reservations recommending it.