#behold the bag where I keep my fucks

[quietnova]

If you're all out of fucks, store bought is fine

[theemporium]

Fluff you say? What about sirius in an established relationship still pining hopelessly after reader, like she’s across from him in the library or they meet up after class and sirius is all heart eyes and trying to touch her and kiss her as if they’ve been separated for years???

thank you for requesting!🫶🏽

.

One hour.

You had been apart from your boyfriend for one hour and he was acting as though you had been shipped off to war or something equally as dramatic.

He had a double free period in the afternoon, one hour of which he shared with you before you disappeared off to your herbology class. And unfortunately for his friends, it meant they were left dealing with an undeniably whiny Sirius until you returned.

“Pads, I swear to fuck—”

“This is not the support I need, Moony,” Sirius sighed heavily. “Where’s the emotional support in this friendship? Where is the concern for my happiness?”

Remus closed his eyes, his fingers pressed against his temples. “She’s coming back, I don’t know why you’re acting like she won’t.”

“Sorry for missing my girlfriend,” Sirius scoffed.

“You should be,” James piped up, lifting his head from the textbook he had been lying face first on. “You’re being dramatic. And that’s coming from me.”

Sirius glared between his two best friends. “Evans would never treat me like this.”

“Lily would hex your mouth shut before you could even start crying,” James snorted.

“I just want to be with—”

“Your girlfriend, yes! We get it!” Remus interrupted, opening his eyes just to find a pout on his friend’s lips. “Oh for fuck’s sake.”

Sirius lifted his chin. “All I’m saying is—”

“Oh no, what’s he on about now?”

All three boys’ heads whirled around as they watched you approach their table they had snagged in the courtyard. You had your book bag over your shoulder, a few books in your hands and a tired smile on your face as you walked towards them after your last class of the day.

It was a sight to behold as Sirius scrambled up from his seat, meeting you halfway as he grabbed your face and placed a smacking kiss against your lips.

“My love,” he grinned down at you as he quickly took your books and bag from you, placing them on the table before wrapping his arms around you.

“Hi baby,” you laughed, your arms wounding around his waist as you swayed back and forth.

“Missed you,” he murmured against your neck, letting out a wistful sigh as he felt your fingers run through his hair.

“You saw me earlier, Sirius,” you snorted, catching the eyes of both Remus and James over your boyfriend’s shoulders. “Can’t have missed me that much.”

James snorted. “Wanna bet?”

Sirius pulled back, ignoring both his friends as he simply smiled down at you. “C’mon, let’s go.”

Your brows furrowed together. “Where are we going?”

“To nap in my dorm,” he said with a cheeky grin. “And get away from these pricks.”

“Please keep your hands to yourself!” James groaned. “I don’t need to walk in on anything again.”

Sirius grabbed your belongings, not letting you hold a single item before he flashed his friends a smile, already dragging you away from the table.

“Keep your eyes closed then, Prongs!”

.

[dilfl0v3rss]

Hear me out 😮‍💨 - ony and y/n get in a argument but ony in the wrong and he look for a way to apologize

omg yessssssss bc usually we be the ones in troubleeee. i like how you thinking boo. we gon use basketball player!ony for this one since a lot of people liked it. aight so boom...

the argument

cw: smuttttyyyy

word count: 2.6k

── ⋅⋅⋅ ────꒰ ୨ ♡ ୧ ꒱───────

it was eleven o'clock when your boyfriend finally decided to come home. he had his duffle bag on his shoulder as he roughly kicked off his crocs at the door. you can tell he had an attitude, probably due to something that happened at practice, but so did you. it had been about a month since the the two of you have had so much as a movie night together because he's been so caught up in basketball and school. this was no where near your fault given that you've tried to spend time with him at every opportunity you had, but ony always had an excuse.

"can't mama, finna go to the weight room wit the guys." or "another time baby. coach had us running like a track team at practice." and other excuses like that caused you to stop even trying. and the worst part was, he didn't even notice. ony continued to come home late into the night because of basketball and leave early in the morning for class without batting an eye. tonight you've had enough. he promised to be home by eight since he only had practice from three to six, but lo and behold, this nigga didn't come home until eleven.

"do you know what time it is?" you stood up from your seat on the couch, placing each of your hands on your wide hips. you had to stop yourself from swinging on this nigga when you heard him mumble an "oh my fucking god" after sucking his teeth. "excuse me? you got sum to say nigga?" your were ready to scream. how could he have an attitude right now when he's the one completely in the wrong. he could've at least called to let you know he wouldn't be able to get home on time, but nooooo. he says nothing, and now he comes in the house acting like a child.

"ion got time f'this y/n. i been running around like a chicken wit its fucking head cut off all practice because niggas on the team don't know how to make simple jump shots." you scoff as you heard his excuse. "so first, you come home three hours late. don't call or text me to let me know that you were even coming late. and now, you come in here, don't even apologize, and have an attitude? that's cute. you sleeping on the couch."

your words must've set him off because ony immediately started raising his voice. "here you go wit that shit bro. the world don't revolve around you y/n." you started getting into his face. "i never said it did, but m'not finna sit here and act like ion deserve at least a little of your time. i'm your fucking girlfriend ony. don't you think it's a little odd that you be picking literally everything little fucking thing to do instead of spend time with me?" you can tell you struck a nerve when he folded his lips, looking straight ahead as if you weren't even there.

this was something ony did to keep his anger at bay since he was known to have a really bad temper. "chill wit allat cussing lil girl. m'not finna go back and forth wit you cause you being clingy." you was on ten at this point. you just told this man what he was doing wrong and all he registered from it was that you were cursing? "are you kidding me? you know what? you can have the bed. m'finna just go since m'so 'clingy'. when you ready to be a man and talk then you can call me." you went into your room and grabbed your PINK duffle bag before heading to your dresser to start packing.

ony watched as you stuffed clothes from each drawer into the bag, not even looking at what you were grabbing as tears blurred your vision. as soon as the words left his lips, he immediately regretted them. you had every right to want to spend some time with him given how much he's been neglecting you for other things. he let his stupid attitude get the best of him as soon as he walked into the door. he knew he should've apologized once he got home, but, being the prideful man he was, he decided to just make things worse by being a dickhead.

and now the woman that he loves is crying, trying to leave the house because he doesn't know how to control his emotions. before he knew it, you were at the door. holding your phone in your hand as you dialed your friends number for her to pick you up. ony listened to the phone ring twice before the girl known as eboni answered. "hello?" he wasted no time snatching the phone from you, hanging it up and putting it in his pocket. "the fuck you doing. gimme my pho-"

"you not leaving me y/n."

you looked up at him and were surprised to see water in his eyes. of course the tears never fell because ony never liked to cry in front of anyone, but the fact that they were getting to this point was surprising. you sigh calmly. "m'just gonna stay at eboni's for a couple days until you get your head right." you felt his strong arms wrap around you, holding you tightly as he spoke. "my head is right y/n. i was being selfish and stupid and prideful. i shoulda called or at least said 'sorry' when i got home, but i didn't. i called you clingy and invalidated your feelings. m'sorry furreal baby please just-....just don't leave me."

ony felt you shuffling so you can wrap your arms around him as well. the two of you staying like that for a while before you broke the silence. "i'd never leave you baby, just want you to be a little better wit your time management." he squeezed you tighter. "i will mama. i will" as the two of you loosened your grips on each other, ony lightly gripped your face in his hand before giving you a bunch of soft kisses on your lips, forehead, and cheeks. you were a giggling mess before you lightly pushed him away, making a fake serious face. "you still need to make it up t'me. what you said was mean."

a smirk crept on your boyfriends face as he led you to your bedroom. "ill make it up t'you right now baby." ony lied you down on the bed, removing his clothes until he was only left in his boxers. "take allat off mama i got sum else for you to wear." you gave him a confused look before eventually just shrugging your shoulders and removing all of your clothes. you lied naked on the bed as you watched ony pull his jersey out of his bag, bringing it to you. "put this on." was all he said before you gave him another questionable look.

"cmon pretty i wanna make love t'you wit it on." you had no idea what he was getting at, but you put in on anyways. ony was way bigger than you so the jersey was almost like a dress on you, stopping right below your ass before he lifted it up over you stomach and lied you back down. his body between your legs as he looked up at you. "ready?" his breath instantly touched your pussy, making you jump. before you could even reply, ony got to eating. he licked and sucked your clit like a starved man. long middle finger prodding at your entrance before he slowly pushed it all the way in .

your back arched off the bed as he kept sucking on your clit, middle finger reaching deep inside of you while you moaned his name like a prayer. "f-fuck onyyy" he moved his eyes towards your face, taking in your beauty before removing his mouth from your heat. "look at me baby. wanna see those pretty eyes." you slowly opened your eyes, pretty black lashes fluttering as you tried your best to focus on on him. a small smile crept onto ony's face as he added another finger into you, middle and index fingers digging you out as your eyes rolled to the back of your skull.

there's no way you could keep them open when he's making you feel this good. maybe you should get mad at him more often. your back was still arched off the bed before you felt your lover place his large hand on your stomach, pushing it down as he started fingering you faster. you felt your orgasm approaching as ony held his fast pace, licking and sucking on your clit to bring you to the edge faster. "ahghh...ohh my goddd...oouuhhh shit." you were losing it, hips fighting ony's hand as they twisted and turned all over the place. "i know mama. i know....jus let it out for me." the coil in your stomach snapped, liquid ecstasy flowing out of you and all over your mans face.

you shook in overstimulation as he kept eating without batting and eye. ony's fingers still held their fast pace as your hands flew to his head, trying to push him off and move back from him before you made an ever bigger mess. he bound both of your wrists in his hand before laying it back down onto your stomach. "stop runnin’ mama. m'not done." you were moaning so loud you had to make a silent prayer that the two of you don't wake up with a noise complaint notice on your door in the morning. "f-fuckk daddy ima make a mess pleaseee." you whined, but ony ignore you.

it actually felt like he started getting rougher. licking and sucking your clit harder while his fingers were now pounding into you. before you knew it, you were cumming again, making the mess you were trying to warn him about. you squirted everywhere from his face to his chest, some of it even running down his body and wetting up the waistband of his black briefs. ony sat back on his knees he looked down as your disheveled state. "look so pretty." he mumbled before pulling his underwear down right until his dick sprang free.

his hard length slapped onto his stomach before bouncing up and down due to gravity. doe eyes followed its movements. ony chuckled as he watched you become entranced by his dick. "y'ready mama? if its too much jus scratch my back cause m'not stopping until this this whole bed is wet." you nodded your head he lined himself up with your entrance, sucking his teeth at your lack of vocalization. "cmon baby talk t'me. you ready for daddy to make love t'you?" you look up to see his brown orbs already staring down at you. lips curved into a soft smile as he awaited your reply.

"yes. i want you t'make love to me" ony’s smile widened before he pushed himself into you slowly. eyes never leaving yours, reading your expressions to know when to stop to let you adjust. you were grateful for this because he was nowhere near small, and his girth alone would had you ready to cry at times. soon enough, the space between the two of you was completely gone. dick fully sheathed inside your pussy as ony waited for you to give him the okay to move. the two of you never broke eye contact through all of this and once you gave him a small "okay" he wasted no time.

slowly stroking you as he stared into your eyes. it was like the two of you were taking a look into each other souls. he began picking up his pace, pounding into you the way he knew you loved which caused you to tear up from the pleasure. "how it feel baby?" your back arched into him. the two of you stomach to stomach as ony intertwined both of his hands with yours. you couldn't even speak, using jumbled moans to reply. "aahghh...mmmughh." your eyes were at the back of your skull as you felt the tip his dick begin to kiss your cervix, making your legs open wider as you freed your hands from his and raked them down his back.

ony continued his onslaught on your pussy. letting you scratch up and down his back as he lied his hands flat next to both sides of your head, pounding into you harder. "mhmm sing f'me baby." you screamed as you felt your orgasm come out of nowhere. squirting once again on his dick, but he didn't stop. he fucked you through it, letting your essence splash all over your lower halves as he continued to look down at you. you were absolutely stunning. tears running down your cheeks as you looked up at him. bottom lip being tugged on by your teeth as your body jerked from his hard thrusts. "made my pretty girl cry. you should never be cryin'. daddy can't give you those babies if i be making you cry like that." he groaned before pressing his hand on the big number three on his jersey. he was so deep in you he felt the bulge he was making in your stomach under his hand.

your tears reminded ony of how you were earlier. angry and ready to leave him after he hurt you with his cruel words. he vowed to never do nothing that dumb again. "you only supposed to be crying from pleasure, never pain. m'sorry mama. s-so sorry." you began to spasm around your boyfriends dick, fourth orgasm of the night ready to come out. ony felt this and sped up, feeling close to the edge as well. "you forgive me baby?" his eyes never left your face as you whined out your reply. "i-i f-forgive you daddy. i f-forgive you." you smiled up at him, shakily putting your hand on his cheek. you caressed his dark brown skin as you felt your orgasm approaching. "i wanna cum together papa."

ony kissed into your palm before leaning down and softly kissing your lips. "cum mama. m'right there wit you." the both of your threw your heads back in unison as he gave you three hard strokes before stilling inside of you. cream leaking onto his base as you felt his hot load fill your pussy. you stayed like that for awhile, kissing each other while you caught your breath. ony saw your eyes flutter as you fought off your sleep. removing his jersey from your body before carrying you bridal style to the bathroom. he sat you on the toilet the turned on the shower. "need you to pee before i can let you get in." after you peed then the two of you showered together, ridding each others of the evidence of your earlier activities.

as you got dressed, ony changed the sheets and remade the bed so you wouldn't have to lift a finger. he then carried you to the bed, knowing your legs were probably still a little week before laying you on top of him. "mama?" he grumbled, you can tell he was getting tired as well. "hmm?" "im real sorry okay? never ever meant to hurt you." you lightly chuckled while tracing different shapes on his chest. "i know baby. and i know basketball and stuff could be time consuming and you just wanna do your own thing sometimes, but i just wish you'd give me just a little of your time y'know". ony rubbed on your lower back as he hummed in agreement. "ima do better. tomorrow i got early morning practice so im all yours after class. how that sound." you looked up at your boyfriend. he's doing better already. "sounds great."

[in-som-niyah]

soft/domestic!Jason with an overstimulated!reader where he just squashes her in a hug until she calms down???????/

GIVE US THISSSS PLSSS

i keep my promises <3

"These arms are always yours, love"

soft!Jason Todd x overstimulated!fem!Reader

WARNINGS: graphic description of skin picking?? (not self-harm)

Today was going to be a shitty day.

The moment your eyes cracked open to an absence of sun peeking through the window, you knew outside was going to be gloomy.

You turned your head to face your nightstand, but in doing so, increase your awareness on how the sheets feel on your body. Were they always this rough? Surely the fabric softener did its job, right?

Groaning, you made your way out of bed, your feet planting themselves on the small rug on your side of the bed. It was a soft contrast from your now-cold, rough sheets.

As you took a step toward your dresser, you felt a crunch beneath your left foot. Though it was dark, you could make out the leftover potato chip crumbs from the bag Jason was eating before he went on patrol for the night.

You asked him not to eat it there to prevent this exact scenario, but here you fucking are.

Now, you were annoyed at not only the fact that the sun in Gotham is apparently having the same shitty day as you, but now you also have to clean up something that shouldn't be there in the first place.

Thankfully, it was a Sunday, meaning you had Jason all day to make more fucking messes. Yay.

Your spitefulness wasn't warranted, but in the moment, you didn't care.

As you carried on picking the remains of the food off of your foot, Jason stirs on the bed, scanning the other half of the bed with his arms. Seeing that he can't find what he's looking for, he relents and opens his eyes.

Jason knows something is up.

But, he won't push. Not yet.

"why're you s'far away?" he slurs, half awake and starting to shiver since he flung the covers off looking for you.

You wanted to answer him, you wanted to jump back in his arms and hold onto the scent of his skin forever, but you were too annoyed and anxious to say anything.

"No reason." you quip. Far too snappy for such a groggy early morning. Jason knows you've been up for a while now.

Before any more words could potentially be exchanged, you tugged on a pair of clean sweatpants and one of your own shirts. Usually, you would wear one of Jason's to the point where you genuinely forgot you had your own drawer full of clothes.

You storm your way out of the room quickly and go straight to the bathroom to take off your bonnet and fix your hair.

Lo and behold, the twist out didn't work out as intended, and now your hair didn't look as you wanted. The curls were wonky, there was almost no volume, and the back was still wet.

Your frustrated eyes land on Jason's clippers. Through and impulsive rage, you wanted to take it to your head and juts be done with it. This was not the first time your hair didn't work out, nor the first time you wanted to cut all of it off.

Suddenly back in reality, you begin to feel guilty for snapping at Jason earlier, and thinking so badly of him.

God, is this who I am?

All you wanted to do was burst back in there and hug him and tell him that you didn't mean it and that you were sorry and-

Hot tears began streaming down your face, burning rivers into your sullen face. Above all, you craved Jason, but he deserved the sleep and peace on the rare occasions he has to relax. Why couldn't you be peaceful?

You covered your sobs, which only made your feelings worse. The bathroom tile was too cold, but you were too warm at the same time.

It was so dark but too bright. Your skin felt hot but frigid at the same time.

Every quick expansion of your lungs pushing against your ribcage hurt badly. It didn't help that you were beginning to hyperventilate.

Speaking of hyperventilation, you soon realized that even though you weren't sobbing anymore , you couldn't breathe.

Your lungs were taking in all the air around you but also none at all, and you felt lightheaded.

At the same time, your skin began to itch from the beads of sweat surfacing, and your sharp nails began to dig into your skin to scratch it.

Drag after drag of nails on your skin caused it to feel raw and exposed.

While you were caught in your own whirlwind, you didn't hear Jason call out to you. Or his frantic footsteps when you didn't respond. Or his pleas for you to open your eyes and pay attention to him.

Jason was beyond worried when he saw you, panicked and frightened, digging into your skin and rushed to stop you.

He gently pried your fingers from your skin and made a mental note to talk to you about it later.

"Hey shhh baby, no more of that...it hurt's doesn't it?" he cooed as he began to hold your sharp fingers in his hands.

You nod tentatively, still trying to will air to stay in your lungs for longer than half a second.

"Alright princess, you're gonna breathe with me, okay?" Jason says as he tries to hide how concerned he was in effort to keep you as calm as possible.

"Okay breathe in" he begins, eyes trained on your eyes and hands massaging your palms.

You follow his prompts to the best of your abilities, trying to control your breaths the way he does.

After a few cycles of calm breathing, the guilt has nested itself fully in the pits of your stomach.

How could he be so kind after you thought so ill of him juts a few moments ago?

Surely you didn't deserve this.

Surely, he was playing a sick joke on you.

There's no way that he could actually lo-

"Princess? You here with me?" Jason's calm voice cutting through your thoughts.

You look up at him, shame set deep in your eyes.

"I'm so-"

"Nope." he quips with practices ease.

"But I-" you try again, this time determined.

"No. You will not apologize to me for being human." He insists as he rests his forehead against yours.

You close your eyes at the contact, a stark contrast to the sickly feeling your skin had moments ago.

Your eyes begin to sting once more as thoughts of being undeserving of such kindness resurface. You turn your head away from him and haul yourself up from the floor in effort to avoid him seeing you cry again.

As you turn away to step out the door, barely holding back a sob, Jason's warm, soft hand catches your wrist. Gently, he pulls you back into him and wraps his strong arms around you.

Careful not to crush you, he squeezes, physically pressing all his love for you into the hug as you continued to cry softly.

"'m not upset baby, I promise i'm not" Jason reassures as he rocks you in his arms.

He is all too familiar with the guilt you're feeling and so desperately wishes he could make it go away. He knows what it's like to say and think hurtful things you don't necessarily mean about the people you love.

His arms begin to rub at your back, soothing your inner hurt. You felt safe, calm and protected in his embrace.

Slowly, you calmed and your sobs were reduced to sniffles.

Jason tried to let go and move you, but you clung to his tighter in silent refusal.

He chuckles at you gripping his shirt and barely shaking your head that was buried in his chest.

"Alright, alright. These arms are always yours, love."

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i'm so sorry its taking me so long to finish these requests my chronic pain is making it hard to be a human rn

[starysky1289]

Toxic!Sorority!Vanessa X Reader. Breakup pt2

Part two to This FIC.

TW: Toxic relationship, manipulation, Abuse, Drug mention, Alcohol mention,Angst

It had been only a week sense you broke up with Vanessa, and you’d hadn’t seen her. But it felt like she was everywhere. She never showed up to any of the classes you shared, she was never around campus, she was never in the student building, but her presence felt heavy everywhere.

You spent most your time in your Dorm, when you weren’t in classes or getting food. Your Dorm was the only place you felt real safty. You had finally stood up to her, you weren’t taking her shit anymore, but you longed for her. You longed for her to hold your arm, her to call you pretty pet names and call you hers. You knew it was wrong, you knew she was bad, but something about it made you miss her.

There was a gentle knock on the door, before your roommate Stacie entered. She always had this calming aura about her that helped your relax. But this time she looked distressed, you could see it in her eyes. You quickly got up, holding her up, looked like she seen a ghost. You closed the door behind her, sitting her down on her bed.

“ Stacie, Stacie what’s wrong? “

“ I-I was..jumped…when I was leaving my class…three girls just started beating me, saying that it was from…h-her…”

You knew immediately what she meant, you only held her closer, keeping her head close to your chest. There was another knock on the door, this time it was more of a banging, with mixed laughter behind it.

“ Cmon Stacie! We’re not done yet! Get back out here! “

You quickly wrapped Stacie in a nearby blanket, pressing her forehead against yours to keep her distracted.

“ FUCK OFF. LEAVE US ALONE! “

“ did you hear that girls? She’s in there, hissing away from Nessas eyes. Let’s go tell her the news, she’ll be pleased to hear you haven’t killed your self yet. We’ll be back later Y/N!! “

Your heart raced. You close every window in the dorm, and turned off every light, the only one left was two small LED lights that hung at the edge of your beds, not bright enough to be noticed. This is what Vanessa ment, You’d never sleep in peace again, you were stuck. You could either live and cower in fear for your life, and give in and let Vanessa love you.

*~*

“ are you sure you don’t want me to come get you after your class Stacie? “

“ I’m positive, the last thing you need is Vanessa to find you. Hurry and get to your philosophy class, I’ll be safe. “

Stacie’s bruised were slightly better, she knew she had to keep going or else she’d fail. You hugged her gently, before making your way out of the dorm, making your way to your classroom. You settled into your seat, pulling out your note book and work. The professor started his lesson, and you’d go and write notes, answer questions excitedly, and doodle when you were listening. You revived a sudden notification from Stacie, she must of changed her mind. God you wish it was that.

You were sent a photo from her phone, all you saw was an ambulance, and a disturbing message.

“ you can come and meet with Vanessa before the end of the day, or when your little roomie comes back there won’t be anything left for the docs to save “

You panicked, shoving your stuff into your bag, immediately leaving the room.

“ Ms L/N! Where are you going! “

“ I’m sorry professor, but there’s an emergency! “

You ran out of the building, and only focused on getting to the frats neighborhood where the sorority was. You were running back to a trap, you knew it. But Stacie’s life was more important than anything else, even your own life. You skidded in front of the pink house, quickly knocking on the door. And low behold, Vanessa opened the door, her eyes staring down at you.

“ there’s my girl…”

“ WHAT DID YOU DO TO STACIE! “

“ all i did was what I had to. To get your attention. Come inside, let’s chat. “

You reluctantly followed her in, a few other girls sat in the living room, watching you go by. She sat you down at the kitchen island. She slid you over a High noon, before sitting across from you.

“ I’m not in the mood to drink. “

“ I know. But that’s the first thing you drank in this house. Same exact flavor too. I Remember these things about you y/n. “

She was right, it was the same size, drink, and flavor. You held it in your hand, sighing before looking back at her.

“ I also know how you’ve said you’d do anything for people you love. Rember when yiu got high off my stuff and you didn’t tell the campus police I was carrying anything? You could have told and we’d all be hauled away to jail, but you didn’t. You told me you loved me “

“ yeah….and..? “

“ don’t you love Stacie? You’d do anything for her? “

Small tears formed on your eyes and you nodded, you knew where she was going with this, and you couldn’t stop her. You wouldn’t even try.

“ then let’s make a deal y/n. If you come back to me, love me, be my girl again, I’ll never have Stacie hurt again. I won’t even have her removed as your roomate. And, after some well earned punishment, I’ll treat you better. “

She held your hand, and you silently cried, holding it tightly. You loved Stacie, you both thought you’d have a chance now, but you knew you couldn’t. You knew deep down Vanessa loved you, you had seen it. And you loved her. You had to do it.

“ y-you promise nessy…? “

“ I promise dove. Do I ever lie to you about things like this? “

You shook your head and she smirked, standing up to go comfort you. Leaning against your back and kissing your neck.

“ do we have a deal hun? “

“ y-yes….yes Vanessa. I love you…I-i do..I’m sorry I tried to leave you “

She clicked her tongue, you knew she was smiling like a hyena, but you didn’t wanna look. She kissed you gently, hugging you tighter.

“ oh…my poor girl..why don’t you stay the night hun…I’ll clean up all those tears..”

She lead you upstairs, pass the giggling girls. She let you go sit on the bed, as she closed and locked the door. She gave you the look you knew, she wasn’t going to let you go for hours.

*~*

A few days after the whole ordeal, Stacie was in a stable enough condition for you to visit her in the hospital. She was heavily bruised, and had stitches across her face. Vanessa let you go alone, she said it was part of her being nice.

“ y/n…”

“ Stacie….i went back to her, I’m so sorry. “

You wanted to sob, you wanted to crawl up with her and sob. But you’d give something away to the doctors. Stacie wasn’t disappointed, she was mad or anything.

“ I’m sorry. “

“ it’s not your fault..you really loved me..you had to let me go to keep me safe…”

“ she says she’ll still keep us roomates, and we can still hangout “

She held your hand, giving it a gentle kiss. You let only a few tears fall before wipping them away.

“ I love you Stacie. I’ll be back to see you tomorrow, ok? “

“ I love you too y/n…be safe..”

You left the room and the hospital, Vanessa was in her black SUV waiting for you. You sat in the passenger seat besides her and kissed her cheek before she drove off.

“ how is she? “

“ stable, and healing. She’ll be out in a few weeks. “

“ good! Im so happy your friend is ok. I love you y/n. “

You looked down at your wrist, the pink scrunchie lay on it again. You only smile and look back up at her. She was being better to you. Maybe this would be the change.

“ I-i love you too Vanessa “

“ good girl. Now let’s go get you something pretty for the party this weekend. “

Maybe.

[miscreantahead]

Back on Tuesday when episode 4 dropped I had some thoughts about how the "fears" are going to work in this universe. Personally I'm operating under the belief that these are the same entities that could have been destroyed in the TMA universe and got pulled into this new one, but as many have already stated, that doesn't mean they have to be (and at this point I'm thinking definitely are not) the "fears" as we know them.

Something I keep coming back to is Leitner's talk of an eye a hand and a boot attacking an anthill and the ants not perceiving that it was all attacked to one larger assailant. This was about the avatars, but considering we have so little confirmed about what the entities we used to call the fears actually are, and considering the eyepocolypse couldn't happen without all of them coming through... what if this time, it's all one big horrible thing? Or, more accurately, to some degree, always has been? Obviously they can't be one individual as we perceive the concept of a singular individual otherwise the Web wouldn't have defected and there wouldn't have been a power structure with the eye, but off the hand I think of like organs in a single body, like the eye became the brain and the Web's shenanigans was liver failure.

Part of what supports that for me is the guy who gave the narrator the violin. The violin itself has obvious slaughter vibes. The man who gave it to him felt very beholding. And he also had a bag of various artifacts that could have done things that we'd associate with certain fears the way we knew them in TMA. Sure, he could just be a Leitner/Salesa, collecting various artifacts related to the powers, but the thing that sets this guy apart of from those two is that they never handed them out. So far, like the post I just reblogged before typing this one said, the cases don't come off like there's much fear involved, or at least they don't end in a place of fear. My sort of whackadoo theory right now is that what happened in the TMA universe has educated these entities (or possibly entity) in some way on what needs to be done in order for them to cross the threshold and take over their new reality like they did previously. Assuming they're capable of learning that is, and I know some things in TMA sort of seemed to imply they're not (but in my mind it's more like huge portions of their existence aren't perceivable to us and likewise much of ours fly under their radar and so I think they could have gathered something, just not anything that would have been perceptible enough for any of us or the characters to understand.) I mean, if you think about how fumbling the attempts for them to cross through were, and the way someone who was essentially human had to be the one to figure it all out (and took thousands of years to do so and let's face it got REALLY lucky that everything finally went his way like if you think about all of the things that could have gone wrong for Jonah, how many times Jon could have died, how many times the next 100 Jons would have to be put in a situation where they could die. The chances of him actually winning were so fucking slim, it was a tough order and he delivered and who's to say anyone would be able to again) and open the right door you'd think they'd be inclined to overhaul their methods. I think the entities still feed on fear, but I think they want the same thing it had before, it's done settling for scraps. I think when it was defeated and sent to live on the outskirts again it got a little pissed off, and I think it's going for a different approach to try and make that happen again. Obviously I might be humanizing the Things too much, I probably am, but I'm also kind of like... if they have manifested in a completely different way in this universe made up of the same meat sacks as the last one, like not just different "categorizations" and "presentations" but different motivations and focuses... it seems like it could be due to it learning from experience. Which is nice and terrifying :-). Another thing I think a lot about is how the fuck would any other power winning have worked in the TMA universe? The eye worked because it wanted to see everyone's suffering, it let the other fears do their dirty work because it wanted to watch. If any other fear had taken the lead, how would the others have functioned? The end probably would have accelerated the death of all of them just like Oli's s5 musings went on about, and the rest would have done some crazy shit making no room for anyone else's priorities because they have no reason to. There's a reason the brain has to be in charge, maybe Jonah Magnus even knew that and it's why he settled on beholding?

[harufluff]

‘where this is going…’ choi soobin

warnings - minor cursing, pretty angsty, sad reader, reader is mentioned to be shorter.

genre - angst, non idol!soobin x gn!reader

wc - about 500

‘why are you doing this…’

you ask, tears about to fall down your face. why was he doing this? if he wanted to, he could end a three year relationship with two words.

‘babe, it’s just-‘

‘don’t call me that.’

you stead sternly. his eyes widened slightly at your tone. you never spoke with him like this. well, guess it’s appropriate for the circumstances.

he held his head low before saying,

‘it’s just, i don’t know where this is going.’

where this is going. those were the words that got the tears flowing. the warm, salty tears rolling down your cheeks. soobin felt his heart clench at the sight of your reddening eyes.

‘please don’t cry.’

‘don’t tell me not to cry when you just said that. when you just said that you don’t see a future in what we have together.’

he looks at you through his dark bangs. hoping, maybe just maybe your tears have stopped. but low and behold they haven’t.

‘it’s not you. it’s just how i feel.’

‘and i respect that,’

you walk up to him and look up at your, well now your ex boyfriend. you blink fast while walking to make sure when you look at him, you come off with more confidence that your currently posses.

‘i respect that you’ve fallen out of love. i respect every damn thing you do, soobin. the truly tragic part about this is that you don’t respect me enough to come up with a better fucking explanation to break up with me.’

fuck, you felt the pricking at your eyes. his hands came up to your face to brush the tears away. for a moment you start leaning into his touch.

‘can’t we…at least stay friends…?’

your eyes slowly rise back to him. as you make eye contact, you nod your head no, with a painful smile painted on your lips.

at that simple action, soobins tears start to come down his face as well. his large hands moved down to your waist as he pulls you closer, resting his head on your shoulder.

you let him cry as you stand there rubbing his back. you stood in this exact position every time he felt stressed about work or anything else. he would always find comfort in the soft, slow circles your gently hands rub into his back.

‘i saw where this was going. i saw us in the future. but now i don’t. i just see myself not with you.’

soobin says calmly, but shakily. you throw your head back, attempting to keep the tears in.

‘bye, bin.’

you take his arms from around your waist and grab your bag with only the necessities along with your phone.

‘goodbye, y/n’

that was the last word you heard from him. you texted him about a week later to pick up your things from your previously shared apartment. but that was it. he was out of your life.

©️Harufluff 2023 | Do not copy, claim, or repost any of my works.

[emmy-dekarios-bg3]

Heart of the Weave - chapter 58

I quietly open the door to our room upstairs in Elfsong, hoping we don’t wake anyone up. It seems Karlach, Wyll, and their new addition are passed out quietly in their bed, Maddox lying curled up on his mother’s chest. I smile at them as we tiptoe into the room and I place Jenevelle’s bag on the floor. Looking at the love between all three of them fulfills a piece of me I didn’t realize I needed.

“Alright, my love. After I get her prepared for a night’s rest, you can feed her and we will lie comfortably in bed once she’s down for bedtime,” Gale mutters quietly with a light smile on his face, placing Jenevelle down on the quilt below to get her cleaned up. I remove my clothes rather discreetly, though Gale sees me from the corner of his eye, admiring me from head to toe. I slide on a baggy shirt and my undies, then sit down in the chair next to the bed so I can nurse Jenevelle. Gale gets the baby dressed and hands her to me gently, his eyes soft and warm as we make direct eye contact.. “Here we are. Also, my love… May I say I just find you so radiant? I love seeing every inch of you.” I chuckle and smirk at him, raising an eyebrow at his words.

“Even though I look like a beached whale?” I tease, placing my hand on my belly as I nurse our daughter. Soon, I’ll be doing this with two babies, which means I’ll be extra exhausted. I worry how I’m going to be once our second one is here. “And the fact I trip over my own feet more times than I can even count?”

“You’re not a beached whale, you’re my beautiful wife who is carrying my baby. You’re you, and I love every single quality you behold, inside and out.” I blush as I look down at Jenevelle, smiling at his words. “And whatever you decide to do with your mom and Gortash, I’ll be here every step of the way. Don’t feel like you need to be obligated to do anything you don’t want to.” I finish feeding our daughter, who is sound asleep as I place her on the thick quilt and cover her up with her baby blanket.

“Goodnight little peanut,” I murmur and then snuggle up to Gale, his lips pressed against the top of my head as I take a deep breath. “I feel much better. These next few days will be intense. I didn’t realize so much could happen so quickly. Then again, that’s basically my life motto. ‘Hey, is life being good to you? Hold the fuck up, let me make it a little spicy for dramatic effect.’ If a God were to tell me something, that’s exactly what it would be.” Gale fights laughter and pulls me in close to him, his warmth keeping me comfortable.

“Well, my love… Relax as much as you can. Hey, before you know it, we will be back in Waterdeep. Not much longer now. Just think — our comfortable bed, bath nights together, our garden, Tara… Oh I miss her.” I chuckle lightly as I feel his fingers trace every inch of my back, my eyes beginning to close. Now I’m thinking about the beauty and calmness of our city, our little study room where I can curl up next to Gale while he reads a book, the scent of coffee overtaking the space in our living room… I can’t wait. Throughout the night I could hear Karlach or Wyll getting up with Maddox, but it wasn’t very often and I slept through most of it. Jenevelle didn’t seem phased either, or maybe I slept through her cries. Man, this pregnancy is insane, I’m like a bear during hibernation. However, I did turn over in my sleep at one point and felt our newest addition kick, which woke Gale and myself up. I barely peek my eyes open, noticing Gale looking down at my stomach.

“I felt her kick,” he whispered in my ear with an excited tone as I’m partially asleep. “Incredible…” I wanted to say something back, but immediately passed back out afterwards. I think he began talking to me about something else, but I can’t recall a single thing he said, and I’m going to be embarrassed when he brings it up in the morning.

Before the sun fully arises, I feel Gale shake my shoulder to wake me up.

“My love, the bed is soaking wet, did your water break?” I jolt awake as I stare at the sheets in shock, and I gasp, realizing it definitely wasn’t pee. “I take it that’s a yes. Um…” Luckily, Jaheira is in the same room as us and decided to stay overnight should any events happen, whether it be with me or Karlach and Wyll’s new addition. She rushes over to us, which ends up waking up Karlach and Wyll as her footsteps slam against the wooden floor.

“You need to get to Jasik and quick!” Jaheira exclaims, picking up Jenevelle from the quilt. “I have your little one. Go, go, go!”

“Whoa, is it baby time?” Karlach asks with a sleepy voice as she stumbles out of bed. “Oh goodie!” Gale and I both kiss our daughter on the head, who looks confused and even slightly scared at the same time as she sticks out her bottom lip. My heart shatters as I leave her, but I know I’ll be back for her as soon as possible. She begins to cry as we leave the room, Gale and I are saddened as we leave her behind but thankfully she’s in good care. She has no idea what’s going on, however.

The people in the streets look at us in panic as water is leaking out of me and we are rushing to the healer’s building in the upper city. Thankfully I feel no pain, but it is weird having all eyes on me as we attempt to not cause a scene — which obviously didn’t work. I was so nervous the whole time and anxious from being the center of attention, that I got a little gassy from how nervous I was. I close my eyes in embarrassment, and I almost start crying, but Gale, being the angel that he is, completely disregards it and just leads me to the Upper City as quickly as we can.

The terrifying part of it all? We make it to Jasik’s, but barely. What could I possibly mean by barely? Well, the moment I lie down on the table, feeling unusual and nearly empty inside, our newest addition basically comes right out without any assistance. All the walking must have told her “time to be evicted.” Gale was there for it all, and caught her as she made her way into the world, her soft cries reassuring me she’s alright. I was more than surprised to see my daughter is bald, considering Jenevelle had a full head of hair. Jasik gets her cleaned up, then hands her over to Gale to get her swaddled; it’s been forever since I’ve held a baby this tiny, and it’s been ages since Gale had to swaddle a baby. Jenevelle is about five pounds bigger and six inches longer, but it’s been nearly five years since she was born. Gods, that’s so weird to even think about. I admire her sweet little face, her eyes closed as she whimpers and reaches for me with her tiny hand. Another forever baby, but one I still love and cherish nonetheless.

“Neeve…” I smile as I brush tears away from her eyes. “Neeve Tara Dekarios, my sweet little girl.” Gale sits down in the seat next to mine, gazing at me with wide eyes full of tears, a smile on his face that causes it to glow.

“That’s a beautiful name. I can’t say I disagree with the decision, especially with Tara’s name in the mix,” he murmurs and kisses the side of my head delicately, his lips lingering on my skin for a moment. “Where did that come from? I love it.”

“I have no idea.” Neeve is pronounced nee-vee rather than Neev.” I thought the spelling would be unique for sure. “I sure love her though.” Her scent — that fresh baby smell — brings me back so far to when Jenevelle was born. I feel at ease; calm, happy, and almost numb. There’s another sensation I can’t describe, but it feels like I’m in the clouds, as if my body is floating and nothing is holding me down. What is this? Whatever it is, I feel incredible.

“Two babies. Who would’ve thought?” His voice is soft yet assuring, he seems beyond ecstatic about our newest addition. “I hope Jenevelle takes kindly to her. She won’t quite understand what’s happening.” Gale strokes my hair as I admire our sweet daughter, watching her yawn as she grips my finger delicately. A wave of mixed emotions washes over me as I stare at her, my heart full of love but my mind full of worry. I pull down my shirt to provide skin-to-skin, building a connection with our sweet daughter, feeling her warmth against me.

“You’re next,” I tell Gale with a smirk, completely disregarding the embarrassment I felt as we bolted through the city earlier today, though I doubt that’s a moment I’ll ever forget. Gale smiles and places a kiss on the top of my head. Suddenly, Jasik knocks on the door. “Come on in.” He opens the door with a smile on his face, providing some baby blankets and burp cloths on my bed.

“Hi, I hope you’re all feeling well. I hate to intrude on this wonderful bonding moment between you all. I just wanted to bring up something rather important to consider, and it’s only a possibility, not for sure… And I am only guessing, so please don’t hold me accountable for anything…” Gale and I exchanged confused glances, our eyes baggy from exhaustion, waiting to hear his next words. “But your new addition — well, she has a soul. It was never given to the devils. She has her own, which means…”

“Wait, what are you implying?” I ask with a shaking voice, holding my daughter close to my chest. “Are you saying she will age?” The room is silent, though I can hear a nervous gulp coming from Gale’s throat as Jasik taps his foot while in deep thought. This isn’t exactly horrible, because if this is the case, then we will get our dream of watching at least one of our children growing up. However, this would also mean our daughter would outgrow us and eventually die. Life is full of surprises though, so who knows what lies ahead?

“I’m saying it’s a possibility. Only time will tell. Anyway… I brought you some pancakes! You’ll need your strength and nutrients to feed that darling baby of yours.” I completely dissociate as he brings out breakfast for Gale and I, a blank expression painted on my face as I try to process this possibility I never considered. Gale takes Neeve from my arms and sits down with her while Jasik places my plate of pancakes on my lap. Our new little girl coos with her eyes closed as Gale admires her, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “Now, there’s always the possibility her blood cells are frozen like yours, so take that into play also.”

Whatever the outcome of what’s to happen, we are just thankful she’s alright and made it to the world safely. It’s a miracle… She is a miracle.

[posttexasstressdisorder]

"The best revenge..."

...is living and eating WELL while (and in spite of) living in poverty.

I actually had the gumption to try and have a cafe 30 or so years ago, and I live with a guy who had his own bakery: a Danish-trained Chef currently working as a Sous Chef at a big hotel in The City, and his 21 yr old son (who has literally been an assistant sous chef to his dad his whole life).

We're all barely afloat, his son is looking for his first real job-job "out there", and getting discouraged. Y'all hear regularly about my poverty status, and my roomie chef is doin' as much as he can, and we're all three freakin' broke.

Fuck it. We may be broke, but we are are gonna Eat as best we can with what we got. So to the current example.

Yes, I know how to cook Mexican Food like any native ex-south-texan worth his salt and lime. Yes I learned how mama/grandma did it, either mine or someone else's.

Roomie and I are carnivores, son is veg. We all agree that Mexican Food is good, so I'm always looking for how to spend my "old-fuck-on-food-stamps EBT the best way.

Behold, Example 1: 20 lb. bag of dried pinto beans.

20 lbs for $17. And lookee there: it's Fiesta, no stranger to this former Austinite. And anyone who knows knows that this boy knows how to make a pot o'pintos, with/without carnivorousness. Keep 'em on the stove long enough you got Refrieds.

Somebody at Groce-Out is from Texas, gotta be: They have Velveeta and Rotel (for QUESO!) at near-normal prices! I laughed today. Velveeta was 6.99 at Groce-Out, and I shit you not, $14.95 at Lucky.

Got that along with a couple 2-lb bags of their "Hollis Street" whole bean French Roast (Dark) for $11.95 ea. This is surprisingly good coffee beanage, freshly roasted right up the road in Emeryville, evidently. So good coffee for cheap. A similar brand at the 'non discount' grocery store I go to is $21 for a 2lb bag.

While they aren't the winner in the coffee bean competition, Lucky (the non-discount store) is great for meat, especially mid-week, when they have lots of specials. Their "megapaks" of chicken thighs (10/pkg) were buy one get one free. So for ten bucks, I got 20 thighs (over 7lbs), which, when roasted with lots of salt and pepper, and cooled and shredded and deboned become something like 4 pounds of Chicken Enchilada Meat. For ten bucks.

Tomorrow I go to another discount store closeby roomie told me about that has the best commercial Hatch Chile in a jar I have ever found. Tastes like mine, when we would get a case at a time at Central Market, get 'em roasted in the parking lot, and take 'em home and shuck most of the the skins/seeds, and saute onion and garlic and add. In. A. Fucking. Jar.

So you see where this is heading.

We will be having a TexMex Enchilada/taco Feast that can be repeated at will until we've eaten/given enough away. Freezer. Vacuum sealer. Oooooooom.

And yeah, we got the dessert thing covered. I buy flour, the three sugars, butter, real cream, good organic milk, good brown eggs. I bake everything from fucking scratch. I buy berries and grapes as my main fruit. I don't buy a lot of processed ANYTHING. I buy ingredients. And bread/tortillas, obvs. And I'm happy I have the "card" that gives me my eeked-out apportionment of "food funds".

So that old adage of "The Best Revenge" being "living well" means we may be fucking poor, but goddammit, we are gonna Eat, with a capital E if I have anything to say about it.

All three of us are pretty much clinging to the same leaky life-raft, this accursed but oh-so-necessary apartment, not much overlap in our lives/diets/schedules, but every once in awhile I get to go back into "restaurant mode" and do up a Massive Feed. Share with the neighbors and stock the freezer.

And a pot of beans on the stove in perpetuity.

[jacthereaper]

Meeting

Our meetings have become more frequent. You go on "work meetings" two to three times a week. If my partner weren't in school, I'm sure she'd be concerned about where I am. But I tell her I'm with you, though you haven't met yet. She trusts us.

We talk nonstop, honestly. Our meetings are smooth, transitioning flawlessly into separation where we're connected by mere written word. I know so much about you and tension soars, but in the way where you're excited and ready for the final break, like the build up of an orgasm. Yet, there's no emotion. You've helped me learn that about myself. Sex is a desire of mine when I don't have to worry about emotions. If there's emotions to be felt, then I lack all want.

For you, I'm anything but lacking. I want you, crave you. You feed into my obsession without even realizing. Others would think of me as weird, and they have in the past. But you seem to thrive off of it. Never bothered by my incessant questions, my want to remember every little detail. It's part of the manipulation I've written about before, but that isn't something you need to worry about.

Today, we have a meeting. A meeting at your place. I've been here before, never for very long, but you're comfortable enough with me to tell me to just come in whenever I get here. While I've always admired people like that, I've always been nervous about having that kind of power. Just letting myself into your home, your privacy, your life, whenever I want. It insinuates something to me, reminds me of a kink I'd like to practice. It doesn't seem that's what you'd ever go for, but I like to fantasize.

Ever since you moved into the city, it's been amazing to know you're so close. I finally make it to your door, and start to knock but stop myself, inches away from the surface.

"I told you to just come in," a voice echos in the back of my mind. I listen closely and my hand, hovering over the surface, slowly waves its way to the handle. I grip the cold metal and turn slowly. My chest wills me to turn it slowly, quietly, so that you won't hear. Success. I quietly make my way inside, closing the door softly behind me. I set my bag down next to the threshold and start wandering your home, fingers grazing over surfaces as I walk past.

The countertops are cold, walls coarse, and the home still. As I move further, sounds start to leak into the quiet. They sound like whimpers and I try to ignore what I think they could be. I keep pressing forward, finally calling out for you. "Hey, I'm here! Where are you?" I wander down the hall, following the noises as they grow louder. Moans start to overpower the whimpers, my mind floods with curiosity. Alas, I reach your bedroom door and against my better judgement, I open it without hesitation.

The sight before me is one to behold; you're on your back, legs spread, mostly naked except for the shirt left unbuttoned that exposes your chest. I'd always wondered what you looked like, but this was better than any fantasy could denote. Breaking a moan, you stop and throw your head back. I close my eyes and back away, holding the door. I start to exit but stop myself.

"I'm sorry, I should've knocked-"

"No, please," you start to whine. My heart is leaping bounds out of my chest as the sight of you replays behind my closed eyes. I can already feel warmth growing in my core. I turn back towards you, eyes still closed and wait for you to continue.

"Please, I forgot we were meeting here. I thought," a moan escapes your lips. I hadn't realized it before, but a vibrator is placed between your thighs and buzzing loudly. "I thought I had more time."

"It's okay, I can sit in the living room until you're done. I understand." There I go, the mask is back on. Why can't it stay off? I want to stay. I want to invade, I want to touch you, smell you, taste you. You're right there for fucks sake, why am I letting you go?

Surprisingly, a chuckle lets out of your chest as your hand continues to move the vibrator up and down your slick folds. Part of me wonders why you haven't stopped yet. Wouldn't this be embarrassing or awkward for anyone else? I know that, of all people for this to happen to, it's best for it to happen to me. I'm forgiving and overlook all awkward things. It's part of what makes you different from me; human.

"No, please stay. I- mmmm-" a sharp breath hitches at the back of your throat. I can tell you're about to cum, but you're not going to let yourself until you at least finish your thought. "I took some aphrodisiacs. I can't really stop. I actually would love your help."

Even with my eyes closed I narrow my brows. "I'm sorry, can you say that again?" I can tell my cheeks must be flushed, I open the door and come in, closing it with one hand while the other covers my eyes so I can open them again, without being rude.

You laugh, one of my favorites. I always enjoyed making you laugh in class, during our meetings, any time really. "Please come help me," you whimper, covering your mouth with your free hand. I open my eyes and see your lovely folds moisten. I swallow and suck my lip, my tongue running over it in thought.

Normally, my mind would be overrun with thoughts about what to do. I never want to make anyone upset, and I tend to be overwhelmed with all possible consequences. But this time, my body moves before my brain does. My shoes were discarded at the front door, but I remove my flannel now, exposing my biceps. I rarely expose any part of my body, always experiencing self-consciousness and fear about my appearance.

I make my way to your bed and am hit with your scent. It reminds me of my bed. Linen, body wash, shampoo, and, best of all, your skin. "Lean forward," I quietly request. You manage to move and I slide behind you, pulling you back to me. I reach my hand in front of you, hovering, paralyzed for a moment.

I hadn't realized it but your head rested perfectly in the crook of my neck. "It's okay, I promise. If you want it, I want it." You reassure me, sliding your free hand up my arm and pressing down. My heart is pounding. Not like fear or excitement, but what I'd guess would be similar to runner's high. I feel the blood rushing to my lips and saliva pooling beneath my tongue as my nose is overtaken by your shampoo. I press my hand against your chest and slowly slide downward. I feel your chest heaving, the skin hot beneath my fingertips. The lower I go, the cooler you get. Until I get to your pelvis. The light brown hair just below your pelvic bone helps to keep you warm under my palm.

You're small, I know this. But I didn't think my palm would cover your cunt, the middle and ring finger of my right hand able to easily reach the top of your wetness. I keep slipping lower and use my middle finger to explore your wet in search of your clit. Your breath hitches the moment my finger gently glides over it. The corners of my lips turn, naturally guiding my eyes upwards only to startle myself at the sight of my reflection - our reflection.

Your short hair lingers over your shoulders and your eyes are closed, missing out on the view before us. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror normally, but with your perfect limbs hiding the worst parts of me, I'm capable of admiring our reflection. Your glasses are sliding down your nose and I can see the redness flooding your cheeks, your chest, your hands. Splotchy heat turned up nearly everywhere. My eyes burned the scene into my mind, to remember forever if this is a once in a lifetime experience. Maybe you'd want to remember to.

"Look at me," I ask at first, my middle finger pressing and swirling against your clit. My left hand leaves the bed where it was offering stability. Now, it moves freely up your body, fingertips dancing trails over the peach fuzz on your stomach, the stretch marks on your breasts, the minuscule pimples around your collar and shoulders. Finally, landing at your neck, my thumb bee-lines for your carotid, my fingers search for the pulse point on the right side of your throat. I'm staring at us now. Your eyes are still closed, not screwed shut, just relaxed.

"Look at me. Now." I demand as my middle finger moves faster against your clit. Your chest is heaving as your head slowly turns forward. You're a step closer, "come on. Don't be shy, darling." I just need to coax you out, I've gotten this far. Just humor me, please. Your mouth slowly drops open, your eyes follow. As I see your muted grays, I slip my fingers inside you. My middle leads the way, already wet from your clit, and my ring follows.

A gasp of air enters your lungs as I've done to you, and small whimpers follow as I begin to curl inside you. I've never had sex with anyone else, I didn't think they'd all be so similar. Your rough spot is in a similar placement to my partner's, it's perfect for my finger length. I'm sure to put more pressure on that spot, at the top of my curl and pull downwards, just with the joint of my finger. My palm is pressed securely against you, feeling you get warmer beneath me. My less busy hand gently squeezes your throat, really the sides. You inadvertently taught me that. Your expression resembles that of someone who's experiencing a high, as would be my guess.

I don't want to hold back anymore. I want to be rough with you, so badly. I want to cut. I want carve profanities in your skin. I want to leave bite marks all over you, feel your cum all over my hand, taste you on my tongue. I want to cut your shirt with the knife in my backpack. I want to kiss you and make you laugh again, to tell you that you'd look beautiful with my name etched into your sternum. No. Not my name. My honorific. I've thought about it for a long time, but never used it.

Just like before, my body moves before my brain does. I start using my whole hand to fuck you, still curling with each stroke. Your whimpers turn into moans and your hands become free. This whole time they'd been trapped under my arms, and now they're raised high, hands ripping into my hair.

"Please, please, please," you start begging. I go harder, then slower with more careful curling, then harder again. My eyes bore intently into the mirror, dehumanizing myself as I watch you. Your legs spread further apart and one hand gets tighter in my hair. An idea nags at the forefront of my mind.

Your head is still in the crook of my neck and I'm breathing in your scent, my breaths far calmer than yours. I turn my neck, nestling my nose against your ear. I place my lips lightly against your ear and whisper, "grab your vibrator." The drool pools in my mouth as I hear you become wetter at my mere demand. You reach down beside you and grip the tool, flicking it back on and pressing it to your clit as i curl harder and harder.

A loud moan, followed by a gasp and groans, escapes you. Your hand shakes, the other grips the back of my head tighter. A scream bursts from your throat, your vocal cords vibrating against my hand, and your back arches. I feel wetness spread beneath my palm, but I don't stop. I keep going, the wetness buzzing in my ears. My hand leaves your throat just as you're bucking slows. I take over the vibrator and press it firmly against you, slowly moving back and forth across your clit. My right stops slamming and starts curling harder. The combination causes your breaths to stop, croaking, moans stopping. Though the sound of your breathing stops, the wet does not. It gets louder, I feel more wet against my hand. A short, but continuous, stream hits me. You're squirting. I remember you said that really doesn't happen often for women.

But before I take pride in my accomplishment, you catch your breath again and begin moaning loudly. "Fuck, ohmygod, please! Baby, ffffuck!" My ears rang. 'Baby' never sounded so tasteful, my body burned. I gave a few last curls as you ride out your orgasm. Once I feel you're finished, I slip my fingers out of you and into my mouth. Tasting you. You'd think I'd taken aphrodisiacs too - the flavor of you. I have to hold back the drool, you're so sexy and I can't tell you. I shouldn't, though I want to.

Your breaths slow, and I flick off the vibrator, my hand going to your chest where I subtly grasp a breast. Soft. You lay your head all the way back against me, turning slowly and pressing your lips to my neck. My vision blurs, no longer staring at the mirror. Now, my eyes dart around the room and I return to my body.

"Are you okay?" You whisper against my throat. Your hand leaves my hair but attaches itself at the back of my neck. Your other hand weaves its way back under my arm, squeezing it. My fingers have since left my mouth and I wrap my arm across your middle. I nod slowly. I want more. I want to fuck you so badly. Once isn't enough. I need more.

[quietnova]

These bags of fucks are, shockingly, not empty

[always-music0]

Run Rabbit Run

Hannah would considers herself the unluckiest girl in the world,having being born into a tangled web of murderers and monsters that live in your closet and under your bed. Until one day an unforeseen issue makes its way into her already fucked life and now if she thought her life sucked it’s about to get a whole lot worse.

Pt.3

A Creepypasta/Twilight crossover 18+

Bella was super fucking nice..

She showed me to the office and we coincidentally had the same schedule so we walked to every class together, she even took the heat from the nerdy Asian dude who tried to touch me.

Although I had steered her away from the people I was 99% sure were vampires, but to give them the benefit of the doubt they didn’t smell like human blood which was odd to say the least.

At lunch she pulled me to sit with a bunch of weirdos the Asian dude introduced us too. As they all chatted away I opened my lunch made by the twitchy fuck. A little note with serial killer hand writing laid neatly on top of the paper bag

‘Have a good first day I’m watching you :)’

I lifted my head to the window overlooking the forest that backed up the school and lo and behold up in a tree with his own fucking packed lunch was Toby twitching away.

I sighed and pulled out the sandwich he made me and took a bite as he waved at me. I lifted my hand unenthusiastically in response

“Who are you waving to?” Bella asked and I flinched

“What? I’m just stretching my arm” I said extending my arm up and over her shoulders she laughed and shrugged my arm off and I smiled as I listened to their conversation

All of a sudden the air seemed to shift as the group of wannabe vampires walked in

“Who are they?” Bella asked and I perked up to what one of the girls at the table had to say about them.

“They’re the Cullens..” she started, and honestly went on for ages about how attractive, weird and not that good with people… honestly about the same as my three dipshits, Bella seemed to be intrigued with the last one Edward but to be fair he was pretty looking definitely not my type though.

After a little while longer and Bella stealing glances at the Cullens the bell rang singling the end of lunch. As me and Bella walked towards out next class I realized something.

“Did you see them eat?” I asked and Bella looked confused

“What?” She asked and I frowned the pit in my stomach growing larger

“They don’t take a single bite of their food…” I trailed off as we passed two of them in the hallway.

“Maybe they weren’t hungry” Bella said walking past me and I gulped as I made eye contact with the big one

“Yeah maybe..” I scurried past them pulling Bella along

“Common we’re gonna be late.” I said pulling her arm towards our next class.

A few classes later we arrived in biology be escorted by one of Bella’s new pals,And to my utter horror there sat Edward Cullen at a table alone I scanned the room for any other empty seats and couldn’t find any obvious ones. We walked up to the teacher and he smiled

“New Students! I hope you both can keep up well, this being the middle of the year and all..” he said and handed us some books and papers

“Uhh Bella you can take a seat next to mike and Hannah… sense this is your first time according to your transcript in AP biology 3 I’m gonna have you sit next to…” Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it done day it..

“Edwards, he can sorta show you the ropes”

Fuck.

“With all due respect sir I have been in numerous AP bio classes even some collage courses I’m sure I will be fine sitting somewhere else” I tried to deflect as my hair stood on end. He was watching me

“Oh well even so if you have any questions Edward is more than capable of answering them.” He said and shooed us to take out seats.

Great just fucking great.

I slowly walked over to where he sat, he reeked of animal blood and I tried not to scrunch my nose.

He looked up at me as I sat down.

“Hello, I’m Edward..” he said politely but his voice almost sounded strained.

I nodded and sat down

Setting my stuff out and taking out my notepad and pens

“You’re Hannah right?” He asked and I nodded again I could feel the strength radiating off of him and his blood lust almost rivaled a certain painter I knew

“Yeah..” I said and turned my attention to my notebook and book

Ask the class continued I took notes but kept my guard up and paid close attention the the thing sitting next to me and as the class went on he became more and more uncomfortable looking, he keep looking at Bella and then me and then Bella and then me and I hated the way his eyes darkened.

I looked at the clock it was a minute until the bell would ring. He shot up right as it rang and bolted out the door.

I looked over at Bella and she looked confused, I tried not to let my relief show on my face that he was gone.

I walked up to Bella

“What’s his deal?” She asked and I shrugged

“I have no clue” I lied as we walked out the door and to the office as we reached the main office I felt the buzz of my phone and stoped

“You go ahead I’ll be right there” I said and pulled out my phone, Bella nodded and walked in as I opened my phone

It was a text from Tim.

‘Need your help will pick you up soon’

I sighed I never liked helping Tim

As I put my phone away and turned to walk into the office I was almost ran over by the thing I was trying to avoid the most

Edward.

“Woah” I said and he glared down at me,

I glared back up at him make sure to try and convey as much distrust as I could

He went to go walk away and I cleared my throat, he turned and looked at me again

“Do yourself a favor.” I said and he tilted his head I took a breath and continued

“Stay away from me and stay away from Bella” I finished and walked into the office, I looked back through the glass in the door and saw him staring at me with a confused and concerned look I nodded at him and he quickly walked off.

Bella was still talking to the office lady when I got there and she quickly got me up to speed.

After finishing up some paperwork my phone buzzed once again

‘Be out front in 5’ it read and i huffed

“Everything ok?” Bella asked and I nodded

“Uh yeah my ride is almost here and he gets kinda prissy when he has to wait” I shuddered just thinking of Tim walking in here to come collect me

“Oh well maybe we could ride together some days…” she offered and I smiled at her. It was a nice thought to have friends who would bring me to school and hang out after school or something but I knew that couldn’t happen

“Yeah maybe, but my… guardians?” They definitely weren’t like brothers or best friends or anything really, they had a two jobs. Go wherever boss told them to go and watch over me they weren’t really ones to do something for the benefit of others “are kinda overprotective..” I said and she nodded

“Well If you ever need a ride let me know” she said and I smiled.

“I will” I said as we walked out of the school and into the foggy air right on cue Tim pulled up on his motorcycle and I winced ‘he couldn’t fix the truck and he’s probably in a bad moon’ I thought and trotted down the statues towards him Bella went to follow me and I turned

“Hey Umm my people are kinda interesting…, and I know for a fact he’s in a bad mood… maybe just stay up here until I leave” I said and she tilted her head confused

“Ok?” She agreed unsure

“Great thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow” I said and started jogging down the stairs

Tim had already been watching me

“Who’s that?” He asked as he handed me a helmet when I had got down there

“She showed me around school today I don’t know” I said putting it on

“You don’t know? He sighed and I shrugged

“I didn’t care enough” I said climbing on

“Hmm if you say so…” he said slowly he kicked the kickstand up

“Hold on” he said and I wrapped my arms around him he kicked off and rode out of the parking lot and into the street.

A/N: Part three bay-bee! I’m having a lot of fun putting thease together and I hope those of you who find this weird fic are enjoying it as much as me! And again thank you always for reading it really makes me happy to make stories out of the scenarios I come up with. As always have a great day/night and life!!

[blondiest]

staunchly avoiding a Task (TM) so one more anecdote— this one is actually from almost exactly 10 years ago, when i was nearly 18. in my senior year, having taken summer classes to get US govt and econ out of the way, i had room for art classes in my schedule, which i loved. for one of the projects we did, we wrapped our bodies in garbage bags & packing tape to create the shapes of torsos and limbs (for the heads we had those wig holder things, since. yknow. we didn't want to suffocate people) and put these various parts together to create a monster of some sort. my group decided to do a human spider. we worked quite hard on it and i was proud of how it came out. here's a visual aid (unfortunately instagram filtered because it was that era):

(we ran out of clear garbage bags partway through and had to change colors)

anyway. this beautiful creation hung in this like... central area of our school for a while. might have actually been a whole year. i came back to visit at some point after graduating (my girlfriend at the time was still a senior, so i might've been hanging out with one of the clubs she was in) and ran into my art teacher, who offered to GIVE ME the sculpture since they recently had taken it down. obviously i accepted w/ great enthusiasm. however, i quickly realized my mom was super not going to want me to keep it at her place, bc we didn't really have the space. but i didn't want to just throw it away. thinking on my feet, i called my dad and asked if he wanted an art project i did.

i want to say i probably explained roughly what this thing looked like, but honestly i can't be sure how forthright i was. anyways, he said yes, he would take it, so i headed to his house to drop it off there. he was not home yet, because it was only about 4PM, but i had his garage code so it wasn't an issue. after some consideration on how to best display this piece, i decided to set it up in one of his chairs. it was pretty dark in his house so it looked... kinda fucked-up tbh. i would not have wanted to walk into my living room to see that thing sitting in one of my chairs. i considered the possibility that he was not going to be thrilled about it.

unfortunately for him, i was mad at him about something— he completely sucks, so i have no idea what exactly it was in this particular instance— and ultimately decided that he deserved to suffer the small fright/indignity of encountering a mysterious and unexpected horror in his home. so i left it where it was and drove off to do whatever it was i did at that age, quietly waiting to hear of his reaction to my art. lo and behold, at about 6PM, i get a phone call from him. "this is very nice, honey," he said, "but i don't want it in my house."

to his credit, he did bend over backwards to ensure it wasn't simply thrown out/destroyed— we literally drove it an hour into downtown chicago to gift it to my friend who was in art school there. i have no idea what became of it after that.

[thefunbible]

Genesis 42

01 Now Jack saw that there was grain in Egypt, and Jack said to his male-spawns, “Why do you look at one another, like, ‘What the fuck shall we do’?”

02 He said, “Behold, I have heard that there is grain in Egypt. Go down there, and buy for us from there, so that we may live, and not die, because when one is alive, one is not dead, and when one is dead, one is not alive, and that seems to be how life and death work. I’m pretty sure that applies to everyone.”

03 Joseph’s ten male-siblings went down to buy grain from Egypt.

04 But Jack didn’t send Benjamin, Joseph’s male-sibling, with his male-siblings; for he said, “Lest perhaps harm happen to him, I’ll keep him around until he ripens.”

05 The male-spawns of Israel came to buy among those who came, for the famine was in the land of Canaan, which was part of the world, which was only the area around Egypt, of course.

06 Joseph was the governor over the land. It was he who sold to all the people of the land. Joseph’s male-siblings came, and bowed themselves down him with their faces to the dirt, saying things like “That’s some great dirt”.

07 Joseph saw his male-siblings, and he recognized them, but acted like a stranger to them, and spoke roughly with them. He said to them, “Where did you come from?” They said, “From the land of Canaan, which we have yet to brutally and mercilessly colonize, to buy food.”

08 Joseph recognized his male-siblings, but they didn’t recognize him because he was fucking ripped.

09 Joseph remembered the dreams which he dreamed about them, and said to them, “You are spies! You have come to see the nakedness of the land! This is a plot by Big Canaan against Big Pharaoh.”

10 They said to him, “No, my earl, but your subservients have come to buy food. You know. Nom noms. Yum yum loaf. The kind of thing you put in your mouth to digest and then nourish you.

11 We are all one male’s male-spawns; we are honest males. Your subservients are not spies.”

12 He said to them, “No, but you have come to see the nakedness of the land! Also: Isn’t ‘We are not spies’ exactly what fucking spies would say? Don’t you be looking at this naked land!”

13 They said, “We, your subservients, are twelve male-siblings, the male-spawns of one male in the land of Canaan; and behold, the youngest is today with our spermer, and one is no more.”

14 Joseph said to them, “It is like I told you, saying, ‘You are spies!’

15 By this you shall be tested. By the life of Pharaoh, you shall not go out from here, unless your youngest male-sibling comes here.

16 Send one of you, and let him get your male-sibling, and you shall be bound, that your words may be tested, whether there is truth in you, or else by the life of Pharaoh surely you are spies.”

17 He put them all together into custody for three days. They were fed well, but had to share one latrine.

18 Joseph said to them the third day, “The three days has done you some good. All of you seem ripe and delicious. Now, do this, and live, for I fear Skypal.

19 If you are honest males, then let one of your male-siblings be bound in your prison; but you go, carry grain for the famine of your houses.

20 Bring your youngest male-sibling to me; so will your words be verified, and you won’t die.” They did so.

21 They said to one another, “We are certainly guilty concerning our male-sibling, in that we saw the distress of his soul, when he begged us, and we wouldn’t listen. Therefore this distress has come upon us.”

22 Reuben answered them, saying, “Didn’t I tell you, saying, ‘Don’t whoops against the varmint,’ and you wouldn’t listen? Therefore also, behold, his artery-juice is required.”

23 They didn’t know that Joseph understood them; for there was an interpreter between them.

24 He turned himself away from them, and wept. Then he returned to them, and spoke to them, and took Simeon from among them, and bound him before their eyes.

25 Then Joseph gave a command to fill their bags with grain, and to restore each male’s money into his sack, and to give them food for the way. So it was done to them.

26 They loaded their donkeys with their grain, and departed from there.

27 As one of them opened his sack to give his donkey food in the lodging place, he saw his money. Behold, it was in the mouth of his sack.

28 He said to his male-siblings, “Well, fuck! My money is restored! Behold, it is in my sack!” Their hearts failed them, and because men aren’t emotional, they turned trembling to one another, saying, “What is this that Skypal has done to us?”

29 They came to Jack their spermer, to the land of Canaan, which they had yet to brutally and mercilessly colonize, and told him all that had happened to them, saying,

30 “The male, the earl of the land, spoke roughly with us, and took us for spies of the country.

31 We said to him, ‘We are honest males. We are no spies. Also, we’re rubber and you’re glue, so there.

32 We are twelve male-siblings, male-spawns of our spermer; one is no more, and the youngest is today with our spermer in the land of Canaan.’

33 The male, the earl of the land, said to us, ‘By this I will know that you are honest males: leave one of your male-siblings with me, and take grain for the famine of your houses, and go your way.

34 Bring your youngest male-sibling to me. Then I will know that you are not spies, but that you are honest males. So I will deliver your male-sibling to you, and you shall trade in the land.’ ”

35 As they emptied their sacks, behold, each male’s bundle of money was in his sack. Despite their lack of emotion as men, when they and their spermer saw their bundles of money, they were afraid.

36 Jack, their spermer, said to them, “You have bereaved me of my varmints! Joseph is no more, Simeon is no more, and you want to take Benjamin away. I’m not being emotional, but all these things are against me.”

37 Reuben spoke to his spermer, saying, “Kill my two male-spawns, if I don’t bring him to you. Entrust him to my care, and I will bring him to you again.”

38 He said, “My male-spawn shall not go down with you; for his male-sibling is dead, and he only is left. If harm happens to him along the way in which you go, then you will bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to Sheol.”

[methamvitamins]

Over The Counter

It rained all day today

as I stood underneath my busted umbrella, frayed wires

disjointed like the legs of an upturned spiders

thin plastic stretched inside out

I’m standing in the garden and the rain trickles down my back

down my legs, I feel it between my toes soaking through my socks

this small, miserable island loves the company of the rain

drip drip dripping down my nose, the back of my neck

I’m smoking the rest of my hash, compliments of Tom from down the pissah

The finest hash in Greenford. Apparently. Absolute pisstake.

he’s not a pisshead but he’s always down at the local like it was church

divorced, loves his son - nasty cunt when he’s pissed though

it’s not even the piss he worships

the pint glass is the pew, the open air carries his hymns of yearning,

searching for a way to fix his life, to move on,

the conspiracy theories won’t help that Tom fucks sake

so I’m smoking his shit

the house is empty, I’m blasting that loud and narsty heavy rock music

it seeps out through the cracks of the windows, the border between my world and the other

my neighbours must hate me

the shit is weak but it momentarily affords a lifting of my disposition,

staring out into the grey of the garden, eyes momentarily resting on the mound,

the aftermath of where I buried my dog I miss the poor cunt

A shave, a shit, I’m undressed, steamin, the tub has been filled

and I wish for my flesh to slide off the bone in molten rock, pulled-me

my face is attractive…ish, my hair is a pain in the arse

knotted and tangled curls, it could be tougher but it could be easier too

everybody says I look like Lenny Kravitz, my mates think it’s the nose ring

I think it’s slight racism

I look frumpy? I feel frumpy. I feel grumpy and dissatisfied, unmotivated

and lazy

was always a lazy child, it never mattered if I was captain of the basketball team

never mattered if I could run a half marathon

can’t be arsed to wash the dishes damn fucking right

I see myself in a flesh coloured bin bag, nobody to take me out, I jiggle too much

my mother ensures I eat, despite inspiring my not wanting to eat

I am not a mother.

I love her so dearly it breaks me sometimes

Sliding in feels like how I want death to feel like

smooth, easy, hot, painful, like a real good orgasm - feel it in your spine in your joints

I let the water wash and fall over me like I’m a sinking ship, nobody to come down with/on me

I feel my body, the curves of my thighs to underneath my crotch, the sparse hair that grows under my arms

the water pulls back on my wrist as I push it forward, making me work to feel my skin under chewed callouses and chipped nails

a form of self comfort because it is just myself that will over to myself physical comfort

where I desire lips I must substitute with my index and middle fingers as I trace a path down my torso, over and under mounds of skin and flab, my stomach, discolourations of stretch marks

a scene of a storming sky, lightning bolts etched onto my flesh

I want to feel sexy but touching my sex only reminds me what I am to anybody but myself

an empty vessel to be filled with the desires of beholding eyes

I’m black but I ain’t black, ya dig?

Like, I ain’t Dikembe Mutumbo but I ain’t Stephen Curry either, I’m like a Malcolm

or a Lenny

I’m the good type of black; black enough to dehumanise, fair enough to admire

I know the type, you look way too young to be double my age and you love it

I bet you keep it tight, gym leggings or tight jeans, this is what my eyes tell me

you might even forgo the SPF, a bit of sun might make it look like you just got back from Spain

I can see a ring on that finger you are now currently trying to run up my arm whilst I am

“just trying to do my job darlin" (I hate myself)

God you are so sexy, how do you keep so relaxed? Her husband must be preoccupied with stocks or some shit

did you know, making over fifty grand (very low ball, let’s be generous) a year makes the decadence of fucking your posh wife in your dinky little Kensington apartment (London is expensive!) so attractive that, instead of going home and giving your wife that arse-up-tits-over-the-balcony-oh-so-good-loving, you’ll probably end up staying back after work with your cock in hand too busy getting off to the idea of that whilst working on making an extra ten grand by the end of the next financial year? the fuck do I know?

I know that this woman clearly doesn’t get fucked enough to not realise harassing the help is a bad idea

I’m the help aren’t I? I’m not staff, I’m a mulatto male whore allowed to live inside with Massa —

his wife loves to make eyes with me from across the table, accidentally dropping her shit

losing her shit

bumping arse onto my hardening resolve

I am so uncomfortable. but you love it though yeah?

cursed with good looks and blessed with fair skin

I would like to feel sexy but I cannot flex my aggression because that would be suicide

dropped as easy as I am picked up

reaching climax was meant to centre my passions but here I am

filled with more anger than love

watching from the ceiling as my cum drips off my hand and into the rocking bath water

Feeling like this body is not mine feeling in desperation for a part of me that feels like me

a shudder and a deep exhale

When they look at me are they really seeing Lenny?

[troidatoi]

Day 6 - 9/10/2023

Guess who keeps on crying? Me! This week had fucking hands like literally tossed me around and threw me on the floor stomped on me. lmao. I'm trying not to let it get to me but I mean it's me so I am going through the motions right now until I feel better. I was driving to a friend's house last Friday when my car stopped and nothing was working so I had to pull over. Thankfully my friend and his dad came to help me and they had triple A. Got my car towed back to my house and I felt so bad because they stayed with me for two hours but I'm so grateful for them. My dad was being annoying about it and I'm like please just be quiet. I hate how my parents are so cheap with things that will benefit us in the future. My parents didn't want to get triple A because they're like we don't need it! And lo and behold! We needed it! With me being misdiagnosed the day before and then this happening to my car, I wanted to run out into the street so someone can run me over. lmao. I'm trying to eat more but my body's still in pain and I wish I wasn't in so much pain. I so badly want to enjoy food again without being scared. I know for a fact I have all the fucking above, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, etc. I'm trying to love myself while trying to fix my digestive system so that my body isn't in pain but it really is so hard. lol. The supplements help temporarily but I need a permanent fix and I know it's coming! It's hard to not hate myself while looking in the mirror but I'm trying my best. I can't thank my body enough for still trying to fight for me and for it to be as strong as it is while I abused it so much with food but I'm trying to have a healthier relationship with my body and food. I know I'll get there. Health is wealth!!

Job hunting is depressing the fuck out of me. lmao. I keep crying about it. I know someone is going to hire me this month. I just feel stuck with no way out and I have bills I need to pay. My mom's been helping me pay for somethings which of course I'm very appreciative of. Once I get a new job, I'm definitely going to treat her out to a nice meal or buy her a nice bag. I have to remind myself that this is all temporary. I do have a job with MGM Resorts tomorrow so I hope that goes well. I'm glad it's a WFH job because they're in Vegas. lol. I'll take anything at this point (as long as it's within my field). I'm surprised they got back to me so quickly because they called me the day after I applied and one of the hiring managers was already asking me questions. LOL. I was like what and then she's like okay let's set up an interview. I was wondering how they haven't hired someone yet because that job listing's been up for a month or so. Either no one is applying for that position, they didn't like anyone they interviewed for it so far or they're doing that thing companies do where they need to post something but they'll just hire within. I am hoping that's not the case. It'd be cool to work for them. I'd be down. Like if they hired me on the spot, I'd take it. LMAOOO.

I did a free Pilates class this morning and it was nice. I miss doing Pilates so bad. I struggled today. lmao. But the instructor was super nice and I thanked her for all the help and she said I did a good job today. <3 Once I get a new job and pay off a lot of my credit card debt, I'll probably take Pilates classes again and go to personal training again!! I just can't wait to feel better about my mind and body in general. I know that amazing thing is coming for me and that all the headaches, inflammation, bloating, pain, and the breakouts will all go away. The gastro doctor already seems 10x better than the holistic doctor that I was seeing.

Yeah, I mentioned I'm like crying a lot huh? LOL. I was finishing up Riverdale cause they put up the last season on Netflix and the last episode made me cry so fawking bad like I cried throughout the whole episode. It was basically about life and death and honestly it was a nice episode because if you've been watching Riverdale a lot of the shit didn't make sense. lmfao. But I think the last season was one of the better seasons because it felt cohesive opposed to their other seasons. Death has always hit me so hard and that episode wrecked me because they talk about how they lived their lives before they passed way and I obviously want to enjoy my life as much as I can which is why I'm always going to games and concerts and doing what I want because I don't want to wait until I'm old to do the things I want to do, you know? My mom gives me shit for it but I'm like okay? I want to have fun. Sometimes it's hard for me though since I think about my health a lot but I'm also trying to find the happiness and joy in things. Despite all the crying I'm doing and have been doing, it's not like I'm purposely trying to be sad or anything. I don't know if it's normal for someone to just feel so intensely about everything because I cry over everything!! And of course I don't want to wait for things to get better. I always try to actively seek out help and try and solve things because I know that there's always a solution for me and that everything always works out for me. It doesn't feel like it right now like my gawd, it doesn't feel like it right now but I know I will.

In June, I had back to back interviews and I was crying and stressed out about it and I was listening to Bulletproof by La Roux and I was like oh, let's see what music she has now and I wish I knew about her recent stuff sooner because it's so goddamn fucking good. Especially her second album. I instantly fell in love. So I dm'ed her on Instagram and I was like she's not going to read it! She's a celebrity! She actually got back to me the next day and I cried because she wrote a long message and I felt like she took the time to write back to me and it was like she didn't have to?! And I wrote her back and she said whatever it is, I got this and idk but it kind of helped me to still keep going. My friends were telling me the same thing but idk why it took an artist for me to be like you know what? Yeah, I am going through all this fucking shit right now but things are going to get better because I want and need it to get better. It still does to this day and after that, I became an even bigger fan of hers. I listened to her in high school and her first album was amazing. I went down a rabbit hole of her interviews and watching her live performances. You can tell she loves what she does. I bought like all this merch and hung up her vinyls and albums on my wall. I sent her a picture of it and a message and if she sees it, then great but if she doesn't then that's okay too! I just wanted to show my appreciation towards her and her music. I know she has a lot of fans that tell her the same thing. Her music does something to my soul and words can't express how much joy it brings me. She sounds like such a lovely person. I would love to see her live and even meet her one day. I hope I get to. I think like a sit down conversation and a hug from her would heal me in ways I wouldn't even know. I know she's dealt a lot with anxiety and everything I read about her, I felt like I could relate. I remember her saying something like she can't really accept things for what they are and I always thought the same for me. I like that she puts out music for her enjoyment and she didn't want to be a huge pop star. She's very humble. I think everything she does is so effortlessly cool like I want to be her when I grow up. lmao. I'm definitely manifesting meeting her one day. I'm always going to remember that she messaged me and I am always going to love her for it.

I'm sure I'm still going to be crying a lot this week but let's just hope for the best case scenario, that my digestive system is healing, that I can eat without being scared, that I'm going to get a new job this month, that I'm going to pay off my debt, that I'll lose the weight and be healthy. To always have hope that everything is always working out for me.

"I can't die until things get better and that's a threat."