#before realizing that it means nothing to everyone But Me.
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Sugar, spice, and everything nice (Part 2)
Word count: 3500+
Warnings: making out, slight mentions of masturbation, sex toys
You’re on your new laptop the next day when Agatha walks into the bakery. Your face lights up and she smiles at you the second she’s through the door. Like every time you see her, she manages to take your breath away.
“Hey!” You exclaim, motioning your hands around the laptop. “Thank you so much again. You did not have to do this.”
“I know I didn’t. But I wanted to, hon,” she says. Agatha’s now stopped in front of the counter, looking at you expectantly.
“Do you want the usual?”
She smirks playfully. “Do you remember everyone’s order?”
“Only the ones that tip about 500% and buy me laptops,” you joke, but there’s some truth to it. You’ve had customers that have come in every day for a week and you don’t even realize it’s the same person. She seems satisfied with your quip and nods.
“I’d love the ‘usual,’ thank you.”
This time, though, when she holds out the typical $50, you pull out the change from the register and insist she take it. She raises an eyebrow.
“Please, Agatha, you just bought me a computer,” you say, the beg coming out a little whiny. She teasingly rolls her eyes and takes the money from you. “Thank you. Your coffee will be right up.”
“Actually, can you make it two?”
Your heart skips a beat. Who is joining her? A friend? Her partner?
And then you inwardly scold yourself for caring.
“Oh, yeah, sure. Another espresso?”
She shrugs slyly and skates a finger over the countertop. “I don’t know. What kind of coffee do you want?”
You stare at her blankly, trying to make sense of her question. She must see your puzzled expression because she tosses her head back with a laugh.
“I’m asking you to have coffee with me, doll,” she explains and the lightbulb clicks in your mind.
“Oh–oh my god! I’m sorry.” Of course you’re making a fool out of yourself in front of the most beautiful woman on the planet.
“You don’t have to.” This is the first time you’ve ever seen a flicker of doubt on her face.
“No, no, I want to. Go sit down and I’ll bring the coffee over when I’m ready.”
She sits down at the normal booth and you busy yourself making an espresso and a pumpkin spice latte. This time, you allow yourself to glance at Agatha and you feel something in your stomach when you notice that she’s already looking at you, a fond smile on her lips. There’s a tug in your gut and you smile back. You’re not sure why the older woman is drawn to you this much, but you are not complaining.
There’s something about her too. Something that pulls you in and doesn’t want to let you go.
You successfully make the coffee this time without any broken laptops and you bring them over to the table, sitting across from her before she has to ask. She looks pleased and blows on her coffee before taking a sip.
“What’s your drink of choice?” She asks, nodding at your cup.
“Oh, just a pumpkin spice latte,” you say dismissively. “I’m a big pumpkin fan.” She nods like it’s the most interesting thing she’s ever heard. “And, thank you again. For the laptop. You really didn’t have to do that. Is there anything I can do to repay you?” You don’t mean for it to sound as dirty as it does and she smirks like she hears it too.
“There is one thing you can do.” You urge her earnestly with your eyes. “Go ice skating with me tonight?” It’s getting colder in Westview and the winter festivities are being broken out, including the Winter Wonderland in the square. Complete with an ice skating rink, hot chocolate stands, a snow pit, a hill for the kids to sled down, and even more, it was a town favorite.
You frown but your heart skips a beat at the thought of her wanting to hang with you. As a date? “How is that repaying you?”
She flicks her hand. “The money isn’t a big deal. I just want to get to know you better. Unless you’re busy.”
“No, I have literally nothing to do later,” you say, shaking your head. She looks relieved. “Can I at least pay for the tickets?”
“Honey,” she scoffs playfully. “I asked, so I’m paying. If you want to pay, you’ll just have to ask me to do something another time.”
“This sounds an awful lot like a date,” you say before you can stop yourself. The corners of her mouth quirk up and she raises an eyebrow.
“Do you want it to be?”
“Yeah,” you answer almost immediately, your voice hoarse at the thought. A date. With a rich, hot, older woman. She smiles genuinely. “What time? Oh, I hope all my winter clothes aren’t at home.” You haven’t been back in awhile to your parents’ house and you only brought the necessities to make it until you go back. You’re not sure how many cute options you’ll have.
“I’ll pick you up around five-thirty? And do you have warm clothes?” She gives you a once-over. You’re in jeans and your uniform top. In the back, you have the heavy coat you wear when you have to go outside, and back at your dorm, you have sweatpants. Not exactly up to par with this gorgeous woman.
You smile and nod and try to not appear too nervous. What to wear is always a point of stress for you. She must sense this because she reaches over to pat your hand reassuringly and then pulls out her wallet from her pocket.
Before you can protest, she slaps a credit card down on the table. Your jaw drops and you look back and forth between it and Agatha.
“Go to the mall and get whatever you want,” she tells you, and there is not even a trace of a joke in her tone.
“How do you know I won’t just buy a car or something crazy?”
She laughs. “I trust you. And I don’t think you would. You seem like a good girl.” She puts a lot of emphasis on those words and it makes you feel hot. You’re sure your cheeks have turned red. “Text me your address before tonight, yeah?”
You nod because you don’t trust yourself to talk at this point. What kind of woman just casually hands over her credit card to someone she barely knows?
“Um, thank you,” is all you can muster the strength to say. She gives you one last smile before getting up from the table.
“I’ll see you tonight, doll.”
The moment you’re done with your shift, you head to the mall. You’re not exactly sure what will suffice for the date, but you hope you’ll know it when you see it.
You eventually find some black pants that make your ass look great and a cute purple sweater with a blue vest. It’s a little pricey though. You know Agatha said to get whatever you wanted, but you still feel a little guilty, especially after she’s thrown so much other money at you.
So you text her. Hey Agatha! At the mall right now. Just want to check if there was a limit to how much I could spend? I found some stuff but it’s almost $200. If that’s too much, no worries at all! You send her your address as well before you can forget.
She immediately replies. Get the stuff and anything else you want. I can’t wait to see what you’ve picked out ;) see you later.
The winky face causes heat to pump through your veins and you bite your lip. You clear your throat and head to the check-out, heart beating fast when you press Agatha’s credit card to the reader. It goes through and you breathe a sigh of relief.
You still can’t believe she just handed it over so willingly.
Is she your sugar mommy now?
The question weighs on your mind until she texts you that she’s outside your building later that afternoon. You give yourself a once-over and run downstairs to her car. The new clothes are comfy and warm and she looks at you approvingly when you slide into the passenger seat.
“Good choice,” she says.
“Thank you again,” you reply, a little breathless from the cold and your speed. You take out her card from your wallet and hand it to her. “I can’t believe you just gave your card to some random stranger like that.”
She laughs along with you. “I know you wouldn’t do anything. You seem too desperate to please.” Your face heats and you’re not really sure what to say. She isn’t wrong. There’s something about Agatha that makes you want to do whatever she says. “How was the rest of work?”
“Oh, good.” You wave a hand dismissively. “It was a pretty slow day today. Did you have work?”
She launches into telling you about her newest court case and you find yourself absolutely fascinated to the point of not even realizing that you’ve arrived. Everything Agatha says has you absolutely enthralled and by the faint smirk on her face, she knows it too.
She leads you over to the ticket stand, her hand on your lower back, and confidently buys two.
“Thank you,” you say again, a little flustered by how she hasn’t let you pay for anything. You’ll be damned if you leave without buying her a drink or something.
“Of course, doll. Do you want to skate first?” You nod eagerly, causing her to chuckle, and you both go to pick out skates. She has to help you lace them up after you fumble with them for a while since your hands have become so cold.
“Full disclosure, I’m not very good at skating,” you warn her when she’s holding onto your arm at the gate.
“I can help you, sweetheart,” she says and your heart feels so full.
She gets onto the ice first and lets go of the railing so she can grab your hands and assist you in stepping onto the rink. Your eyes widen when you almost fall after moving your foot forward and it shoots back, but Agatha catches you in her strong arms.
“Oh my god,” you exclaim as she stands you back up, never letting go of her tight grip on you.
“It takes a bit to figure out. How many times have you ice skated?”
“None,” you say, tongue poking through your lips as you look down at your feet and focus on sliding them forward. She glides backwards with you effortlessly. When you finally look up at her, she’s staring at you with something written on her face you can’t quite read. “What?”
“You could’ve told me that you hadn’t, I would’ve taken you to dinner or something else,” she says.
“No, no, it’s totally fine. I would’ve done whatever you wanted to do,” you reply half-mindedly. You’re more focused on skating around the corner. Once you do so successfully, her hands move from your wrists to only one hand holding your hip.
But her touch makes you jump, fire igniting in your stomach, and you slip and fall on the ice.
You groan in pain and Agatha stifles a laugh before squatting down to check on you. The cold has seeped into your wet pants and the humiliation burns your cheeks.
“You okay, doll?”
You nod your head defeatedly. “Yeah, just a little wet.” The moment you say it, you can see her eyes darken just the slightest. Your breath catches when you realize the innuendo and there’s a tense silence with the two of you just staring at each other while others skate around you.
“Well, let’s get you up. Want to keep trying?” Agatha asks finally. She gets back on her feet as gracefully as ever.
“As long as you don’t let me fall again,” you joke and take her outstretched hands.
“I didn’t let you fall, you did that all on your own,” she says playfully.
She carefully lifts you up and you grab onto her biceps when you’re fully standing so you don’t crash back down. Her hands grab your waist again to hold you steady and when you look at her face, she’s staring at your lips.
“Agatha,” you say, but you’re not sure what else to add because now you’re staring at her lips too. She leans in an imperceptible amount and your mouth parts involuntarily, ready for a kiss.
“Look out!” Someone shouts and the next thing you know, a three foot tall blur runs straight into you, knocking you, Agatha, and the random person down.
“Sorry!” The kid exclaims and jumps up to skate away, leaving you and Agatha wincing on the ice.
“Why don’t we go find something else to do?” She asks and you’ve never been more happy to agree.
Agatha helps you up once again and this time, interlocks her fingers with yours and slowly skates with you to the exit.
Once you’ve gotten your shoes back on, Agatha buys the two of you cups of hot chocolate and a pretzel to split and leads you over to a bench so you can sit.
“Thank you for this,” you say, shoving a piece of the pretzel into your mouth.
“My pleasure, sweetheart.”
The pet name does things to you that you can’t say and you find yourself wishing that the almost-kiss on the ice actually happened. You feel so connected and attracted to Agatha, even though you’re not sure why.
“Why do you keep tipping me so much and buying me all these nice things?” You’re finally brave enough to voice the question that’s been on your mind since the first day she came into the bakery.
She smiles and reaches over to squeeze your hand. “You deserve it. And I like spoiling you. You get this cute little look in your eye.” You blush instantly and she laughs. “Like that.”
“Well, can I take you out sometime soon? Maybe for dinner or a movie or something?”
“I’d like that. I’m free Tuesday or Thursday night this week.”
“I’ll see you Tuesday then,” you say, happy that she’s finally going to let you treat her to something. “Unless I see you at the bakery first. It seems to have become an integral part of your morning.” You’re teasing but part of you wants her to elaborate on what she’s doing.
“What can I say? The cinnamon crumb cake and the espresso are to die for,” she says with a wink. You laugh despite yourself.
Comfortable silence falls over the two of you as you sip on your drinks and eat the pretzel.
“Is there anything else you want to do?” She asks.
“Can we go on the ferris wheel?”
“Of course, dear.” She stands up and offers you her hand and you obviously take it.
The line for the ride isn’t long at all so you basically walk right into a passenger car. Agatha sits next to you instead of across from you so she can wrap an arm around your shoulders. The wheel starts turning and something on the ceiling catches your eye.
“Is that mistletoe?” You ask, pointing up at it and then looking at Agatha, who is also peering up at it, corners of her mouth quirking up.
“Looks like it,” she answers thoughtfully and then glances at you playfully. “Shall we?”
You don’t even answer, just clasp her cheek with your hand and pull her in.
It’s a slow kiss at first, just a press of your mouth against hers, but then she opens her lips and slides her tongue into your mouth. You moan into her mouth and try to pull her even closer to you so you can feel more of her. She sucks on your tongue and your teeth make a clicking noise when they clash against each other.
When you have to pull back for air, she kisses down your jaw and then gently bites on your neck. You gasp and your hips jump against nothing.
“Agatha,” you breathe and you can feel her smirking as she nibbles on your earlobe. A fire stokes to life in your stomach and your body feels like a lifewire. One of her hands dips under your vest so she can cup your breast through your sweater. You whimper and she chuckles lowly. “Please.”
“Is this okay?” She asks and you nod so hard your head hurts. She smirks and her hand slides down and under your sweater.
The coldness of her fingers against your warm stomach makes you gasp but you like it and you pull her back in for a kiss. Her hand keeps moving up under your shirt and she’s about to reach your bra—
—and the Ferris wheel stops. You let out a sigh of disappointment and Agatha laughs.
The door to your car opens and the two of you step out. You wonder if your face is as red as it seems and you hope that no one accidentally saw you two making out.
“So what now?” She asks once you’re back in the middle of the fair. But there’s only one thing on your mind right now.
You don’t care that you’re surrounded by people right now; you stand up on your tiptoes and give her a searing kiss which she returns immediately. Your hands wrap around her neck and hers find their place on your waist. You end the kiss by tugging on her bottom lip and when you pull back, her blue eyes are dark and hooded.
“Can we do more of that?” You breathe and she chuckles. You’ve never wanted anyone so badly in your life and you think if you don’t have her hands on you in the next ten minutes you might die.
“Anything you want,” she whispers and presses one last chaste kiss to your lips. “Does this mean you want to leave?”
“Please,” you beg and she smirks at how visibly desperate you are. You’ve become so wet and needy since she put her hand on your waist on the ice. You practically drag her back to the car and when she pulls back in front of your dorm, you look at her with begging eyes. “Come in?”
The moment you say it, you realize how ridiculous it sounds. Bringing a hot, rich, older woman up to your living space that’s probably the size of her closet so she can fuck you in your twin sized bed? Plus it was your first date and you’ve known her for less than a week.
She’s clearly thinking the same thing because she smiles softly and says, “Maybe on Tuesday, doll.”
And yet, you whine. “Why can’t we just go back to your place right now? Please, I’m so-” You cut yourself off before you can tell her just how much you really need her.
Her smile turns into a knowing smirk. “Why don’t you go upstairs and take care of that yourself then?” You gape and a flush climbs up your neck and to your face, but she leans in and keeps going. “Use your hand, or a toy, to think about me. Just to tide you over for a bit.”
“I don’t have a toy,” is all you can think to say with your brain short-circuiting. That shouldn’t have been the part to focus on, but Agatha pulls back with wide eyes.
“You don’t?”
And then the image of Agatha using a toy on herself inserts itself in your brain and you have to cross a leg over the other to get some sense of relief. “No,” you squeak out.
The glint in her eyes is positively evil. “Have a good night, doll.” She gives you one last kiss and then unlocks the car door. You give her a playful glare and then go upstairs.
After you’ve showered and put on pajamas, you slide your hand down your sweatpants and touch yourself.
It takes all of three minutes before you cum all over your hand, just replaying the kiss with Agatha in your mind.
You fall asleep quickly after that and in the morning, you’re surprised to see a notification saying that you have a package in the delivery room. You throw on a sweatshirt and head down and it’s a medium sized brown box with your name and an A. Harkness as the mailer.
Frowning, you take it back to your room and cut it open. Moving the flaps aside, you peer in the box and gasp.
There’s at least four sex toys. A vibrator, a dildo, a different type of toy, and then a small box. You pick up the box and immediately drop it.
It’s a remote controlled, long-distance vibrator.
Your breathing has quickened and you feel your underwear growing wet yet again because of Agatha.
And then you see a piece of paper. Hands shaking, you pull it out and open it.
Hope you enjoy ;) Maybe you can wear the vibrator on Tuesday. See you soon.
#agatha harkness x fem!reader#agatha x reader#agatha harkness x reader#agatha x you#agatha harkness x you#kathryn hahn x reader#agatha smut#agatha all along
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Agatha All Along deep dive: episode 5 part 2
(Wandavision entries: [1][2][3])
(AAA entries: ep1 [1][2][3][4] ep2 [1][2][3][4] ep3 [1][2][3] ep4 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][+1] ep5 [1][2])
I was so looking forward to brighten this particular scene, it's the darkest yet and it's such a beautiful one it's a pity to miss even one detail
oh no lilia stop being so cute????
have you ever seen jen with a bigger smile? and she's quiet as usual, it's almost like more than the ride she's enjoying how much fun her friends are having. especially lilia, those two have been forming a bond that is equal parts bickering and a growing respect
I'm just glad alice had this moment of pure unadulterated joy before it came all crashing down
agatha is very, very quiet. despite never letting herself feel anything freely, she takes a moment to close her eyes and enjoy the beauty of it all
she looks back at rio, so sensual and confident
how can kathryn hahn convey so much with so little time? her breath catches at her sight. and then worry and fear take hold and she gives the tiniest shake of her head, as if she's forbidding herself to entertain any kind of thought about rio. she looks away. the blood moon behind her spells disaster
meanwhile billy is that kid who has the time of his life hanging out with the teachers during a field trip
I want to personally thank aubrey plaza for every acting choice she made as rio, but ESPECIALLY for this witchy laugh
(I just brightened the salem seven witch vomiting bees and it's actually pretty impressive! but I don't want to trigger any insect haters around here) (I love insects though so please talk to me about spiders if you want)
they couldn't get a good look at the cabin before rushing in and I couldn't either until now, do we know if it's something from Agatha's past? did she use to live there?
I'm salty that alice had to die in these stupid clothes
So. I think this trial is the most fucked up and humiliating yet. Billy knew nothing about jen except superficial facts, so he put her in a scenario that matched her work aesthetic, more of a personal insult than a wake up call (compare it with the broom lilia just made for her: roots and flowers, something that speaks about jen's work, beliefs and traditions.)
Alice's trial was entirely based on lorna, we know billy is a big fan so he ran with that concept creating something that really shook alice, and not in a good way. she was forced to sit in her dead mom's house and wear her clothes for god's sake. she took it as the Road wanting to teach her a lesson, when it was just a teenager with the grace and subtlety of a newborn puppy.
Now, agatha. billy doesn't know a thing about her because she's private to the point of paranoia. he has gathered that there's something in her past about a dead child and that's probably what makes her grumpy, so he... tried to make her talk to nicky. with a fuking oujia board. Despite having had his share of shock and trauma billy inevitably has a kid's point of view re: death, and even more so because he's functionally immortal. death is something that happens to other people, or far far away in the future. he thinks he's giving agatha much needed therapy, when he actually put a grown woman in child's clothes and made her relive her traumas for everyone to see.
btw I'm not in any way saying that the trials are bad writing. they are brilliant writing. they're just tragic and fucked up behind the funny exterior, just like agatha herself. sorry for the rant.
I mean I wouldn't be opposed to that. we could put billy back in a closet for a little while and get down and dirty with it. and ooh there's a little leaf on rio's shirt, I hadn't noticed it!
jen's retainer always SENDS me
agatha's face when she realizes it's her trial
agatha is irrevocably, eternally linked with death in all its forms
looks like rio is playing along and setting the scene, but she's also doing something more subtle that only agatha understands: she's provoking her, and it's becoming more personal and hurtful. she's testing and punishing more than she used to. she is growing angrier.
agatha wants to tell rio to fuck off but knows she deserves it. agatha is NOT happy to be in this trial for reasons that go beyond what everyone present (except rio) assumes, but she'll bite the inside of her cheeks until they bleed before she shows any of it
the way he says it with a straight face too (again, NO PUN INTENDED. forgive me joe, I would never)
oh great alice has only thirty minutes to live
everyone looks worried and on their guard, rio has her whole knife out, playing along. agatha is STILL trying to look cool and casual, it's painful to watch. girl is panicking, hard
meanwhile billy is always bringing a whole different energy, he's playing and having fun! think back to the second episode when they met lilia and then jen and alice for the first time. billy had no clue about the tension, the fear and hate between them and agatha. right now he's still more excited than scared. he's about to have a rude awakening.
do not taunt the spirits, AGATHA.
lmaooo. this motherfucker.
another moment when billy sounds chillingly cruel. being jigsaw without realizing it
I'm not pointing it out every time but whenever agatha does this with her arms she's really, really really nervous
what does agatha do when she's scared or overwhelmed? she puts on a show. like clockwork. and rio has already guessed what's about to happen
I really want to continue this so there will be more later today, stay tuned!
go to episode 5 part 3
#agatha all along#agatha deep dive#agatha harkness#billy maximoff#rio vidal#alice wu gulliver#lilia calderu#jennifer kale#character study
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Missing Sneak Peak (SUBJECT TO CHANGE)
The truth is out about Marinette's predicament, and to everyone's surprise, Chloe calls Ladybug:
"I need a favor."
It was a standoff.
Ladybug had faced down akumas, false heroes, monsters of man and magic, and even Hawk Moth himself. And not once had she ever backed down or given up.
But Chloe Bourgeois was nothing if not stubborn. She was long used to getting what she wanted.
And she wasn't going to let something as simple as facing an opponent with a mask and superpowers deter her.
“Look, I worked with you before. That has to mean something, right? I helped you before! Against my Dad and against Hawk Moth on Heroes Day! You…you owe me.”
Ladybug looked unimpressed. “The Miraculous do not entitle you to anything, Chloe.”
“No, hear met out!” Chloe insisted. “You trusted me to help you. And I did! I put my life on the line as your teammate. So…so that warrants something, doesn’t it? I deserve something! A wish. An ask. Just one request.”
The hero frowned. But Chloe was undeterred.
“So look, just…bring her back already. Bring back Marinette Dupain-Cheng and every stupidly good and positive thing she brings with her, and I’ll…I don’t know. I’ll find some way to return the favor.”
Ladybug simply stared at her. Blank. Unfeeling.
“I can pay you! Even superheroes need money, right?”
“Chloe….”
“I’ll be better! No more akumas, I promise!”
“Chloe.”
“I’ll be nicer! I’ll stop bugging my Dad for things and stop causing problems!”
“That's not—h”
“I'll donate my wardrobe to charity!”
“I can't just—"
“I’ll stop making comments to my classmates! I’ll just shut up completely! I’ll get voice surgery if I have to!”
“Chloe, that’s not how it works—”
“NO! It HAS to work!” She shouted, cutting her off. Because she refused—she refused to accept any other answer. “You’re Ladybug! You always make it work! So you can just make this work, too!”
Silence.
“Please.” Chloe begged. “This is the one good thing I have. I don’t want to—I can’t give it up!”
Ladybug simply looked at her, almost pityingly.
“Please." Chloe repeated. "Just this one thing. That's all.”
Ladybug simply shook her head, leaving Chloe feeling hollow.
And without even a word, Ladybug turned away.
Chloe just stared after her in shock.
Because Ladybug was Ladybug. A hero. THE hero. Always there. Always helpful. Always caring.
So why…?
Why didn’t she care now?
Then…
…it hit her.
And Chloe laughed.
How could she not?
“Of course.“ She laughed mournfully. “Of course she had gotten to you too.”
Because of course even Ladybug would be different.
Because of course if anyone could have helped make a Ladybug into the great hero she was today, it would be Marinette Dupain-Cheng.
----------------------------------------
“Chloe?" Adrien called out as he entered her room, worried and unsure. "Is everything okay? You were crying on the phone and…”
He froze, seeing Chloe curled up next to her Bee signal.
“Chloe?”
She didn’t move or answer immediately. He was worried she didn’t even realize he was there, given how blankly she seemed to be staring into nothing.
“Chloe?” He asked as he approached.
Silence.
Unsure of what else to do, he sat next to her and waited.
Chloe had gotten like this before. A long, long time ago.
She would have these times where she'd get quiet and small. And he would sit next to her, just barely touching. Close enough that she'd know he was there and could decide from there if she wanted to lean on him or push away. He always left it up to her. Always waited. Because Chloe never pushed him away. And with enough time, she would voice her feelings, just loud enough that he could hear.
...and sure enough...
“My Mom forgot my name today.” She whispered.
Adrien paused.
He knew how much that had to hurt her. Chloe’s Mother was everything to her. Everything she idolized and admired. Everything she wanted and wanted to be. He’d never seen her happier than when her Mom settled back in Paris and returned to her life.
It had meant everything to her. And to lose it again…
“I’m sorry, Chloe.” He said, leaning closer to her. “I thought things were better.”
“They were.” She sniffed, trying to hold back the hurt. “They were better. And do you know why?”
She laughed, startling him with how bitter it sounded.
“Chloe?”
“It was because of Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Because of course it was!" She started off lowly, but her tone grew angrier the more she spoke. "Because of course she is! Because of. Freaking. COURSE if ANYONE was to get my Mom to do better and treat me like I’m actually family and just be a mom, it would be stupid perfect Marinette!”
She curled in on herself with a sob.
“Not…not me.”
Despite her efforts, the tears began to flow.
“And…and now—”
She hiccuped, forcing herself to speak.
“I heard it, you know. They're saying that Marinette got hit by that akuma and now not only did she disappear, but everything—everything connected to her is disappearing, too. Like…how? How does that even work? How does one person affect that much? She was just…just a little nobody! She didn’t matter!” Chloe lowered her head. “At least, she didn’t use to.”
Adrien frowned, wanting to argue, but forced himself to not speak.
Chloe filled the silence instead.
“And it was scary learning she was fading, because that could happen to you or me or anyone, but it was like no big deal, right? Because yeah, she’s done some things and helped some people but it's not like she did that much, right? So her being gone wouldn't matter that much. Surely she didn’t impact me.” Her eyes clenched shut. “But she did, and now it’s hitting me in the face just how much of what I had was because of her and…and…”
She tried to wipe at her eye, only for more tears to trail.
“And now just like that! It’s all gone! Just back to how it was before. Like—like it never happened! Mom caring about me? Loving me? Yeah right! When did that ever happen? It wasn't me being awesome or a good daughter or following in her footsteps that got my Mom's attention!" She smiled falsely, tears falling from her eyes in a sad show of her true feelings.
"Nope! It wasn't anything about me! It wasn't even about Mom realizing she loves me! Everything we got to have was all only because of Marinette Dupain-Cheng!” She exclaimed with a wild waving of her hands. "Isn't that lovely? Isn't that awesome? Isn't it great how she just fixed everything and brought us together into the happy little family I'd been wanting for years?"
“Chloe…”
She shook her head, showing a bitter smile.
“And now because of stupid akumas and stupid magic, Marinette isn’t here. And because she isn’t here, she wasn’t there. And because she wasn’t there, it didn’t happen. And because it didn’t happen, everything’s just…poof! Gone! Just like that! Just like magic!”
She clenched her fists, her smile falling. “And now I know it never would have happened on its own. Not with just me. Not without her. It was only because of her that I had my Mom back at all. And now that she’s gone, I’m gonna lose that too and…and…”
She sobbed.
“It’s not fair.”
It wasn’t, he agreed internally because what could he actually say?
He understood her feelings about her Mom. It was hold he felt with his own Dad. Never feeling enough. And to have someone else come in and fix that…he wasn’t sure whether he would be grateful or hurt. He was even less sure how he would respond.
…he would feel sad. He knew that much.
“And the worst part? Ladybug is just the same. Harsh sometimes, but not like that. Never like that.”
Silence.
A breath.
“What does that say?” Chloe asked. “When her being gone makes that big of a difference? With my hero AND with my Mom. Not me. Not anyone. No. It's because of Her.”
Adrien stared in surprise. He'd known Ladybug was off, but even Chloe had noticed a difference? It was jarring.
“Ladybug is?”
Chloe wiped her tears. “She's different. You've noticed, haven't you?” She paused, before shrugging. “Though maybe you haven't been around her enough to. But she's different, too. Everyone is different without her. Ladybug. My Mom...I get why. I remember what happened to start it, but still...”
He had as Chat, but he couldn't tell her that.
“And I hate it!” She suddenly exclaimed, anger rushing through her. “I hate it because it means it was nothing about me that made it even happen or made me worth it in the first place but it was everything about her and I hate that but I’m so selfish because—yeah okay, I hate it but I’ll still take it if it means I get to have this and it’s still better than not having Mom at all even if I only got it this way but now I can’t even have that much anymore and soon I never will have had it at all and it'll be like it never happened and it’s not fair!” She ended up shouting, slamming her fist into the ground.
“Chloe!”
“I’m not good, but it’s not fair!”
He hesitated for a moment.
But it was only a moment before he drew her into his arms and let her cry.
He wanted to speak and reassure her. Insist that she was wrong and she was more than enough. It was the right thing to say. The kind thing.
But he was still learning and growing and still so very scared of saying the wrong thing.
Nino had helped him. Listened to him. Helping him without even saying a thing.
Because it was what he needed…because sometimes people needed to make their voices heard more than they needed kind words.
And Adrien could do that much.
So he sat by her, waiting in solidarity and support. The friend and listener she needed as she cried.
#ml ficlet#ml angst#missing#chloe bourgeois#ladybug#adrien agreste#missing sneak peak#missing spoilers#aka the one where Chloe tries and fails to fix things#Chloe is doing the right thing for selfish reasons#I’m half asleep and on cold medicine#quick before fully awake me notices and hides it!
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Buck/Tommy fic prompt: everyone's reactions when they find out Tommy's pregnant with triplets
Chimney is the first to react. "Hot damn, Buck! I wasn't expecting you to knock up the first guy you date!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Buck asks, crossing his arms.
As if realizing how that sentence came across, Chimney holds up his palms in apology. "I just meant, uh, congratulations, that was unexpected, and please say that I can tell your sister."
"I'll tell her myself, thanks," Buck says a little frostily.
Bobby comes over and hugs him. Buck hugs back. "Congrats, Buck. When is the baby due?"
"Late August, and, uh, we are having babies," Buck adds on, the grin on his face growing even as he blushes.
Eddie's eyebrows climb to his hairline. "Wait, babies, plural? Twins?"
Now Buck smiles so wide, he could've cracked his face in two. "Triplets. Tommy and I are gonna have triplets."
Hen whistles. "Wow, you two." Then she frowns. "Wait. Late August... You guys were back together before Christmas?" A light dawns. "Was that when the baking suddenly stopped? And you kept saying you were- You were totally not at a book club."
"Two persons can make a club," Buck says weakly. "A-and we did read. Stuff. When we were done."
Hen shakes her head. "Unbelievable."
Bobby is laughing, clapping Buck on the shoulder. "Well, I hope you're ready to deal with three babies. How's Tommy holding up?"
"Morning sickness from hell, actually. Nothing he eats agrees with him other than oatmeal with fruit toppings. He's miserable." Buck sighs. "Still, docs say his appetite should come back soon."
"We'd like to visit him, if that's okay with the two of you."
"Let me check with him? He's super bloated, he says, so he gets really upset by the smallest things." Even as he is saying that, there's a smile on his face that won't go away, like the mere thought of Tommy fills him with too much joy to hide.
It's good to see him happy again, Bobby thinks. And he can't wait for August.
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Hii,
I just had this idea where like y/n and harry are alrrady together. Y/n sings really well, write her own songs and even record them, but is too shy to show anyone so she just keeps them to herself. However Harry came across one of her recorded songs and just FELL IN LOVE with them.
Thank you!!🥰
Hi love! I started this writing blog recently and you’re officially my first request, this means so much thanks! I’ll do my best.
You could give me a run for my money
TW: swearing, smut at the end, Oral fem receiving, p in v sex, unprotected sex but they’re trying for a bub (use protection in real life please loves), tit sucking
The sun was setting behind the gorgeous skyscrapers of London. She hummed as she cut the vegetables for the lasagne Harry requested that night. He was working overtime at the studio tonight and she wanted to make sure she made a nice cozy meal for him.
She hummed to the tune of her latest song. She did this all the time when she was home alone when she got bored all by herself (and their cat Bowie, yes named after the rockstar. Harry’s idea but she didn’t object since she loved him too)
She was writing a little piece which was inspired all around her life and she had a basic tune for it but she kept getting stuck on the pre chorus. She hummed it again and again with the ending changing everytime she tried it.
Harry got in that same time. He closed the door quietly behind him. He heard her from the kitchen and tried to figure out what she was singing. He loved hearing her sing but she never did. For him sometimes, when she was drunk she would, but apart from that no way in hell. Especially in front of other people.
Then he realized was this another one of her own ones? He didn’t really know much since she never really told him either. He tried to listen in and it was beautiful. He snuck in slowly, and picked her up from behind to which she immediately erupted in laughs.
“Hi! You’re back.”
He smiled as he twirled her around and then put her down before pecking her cheek, “yes I am. How’re you baby?”
“I’m fine. Making lasagne.”
“Mm. Nice.”, he picks up a sliced tomato for the salad side and eats it. She smacks his hand, “stop that’s for the salad.”
“M’hungry.” He pouts.
“It’ll be done in just a bit. Go get something from the pantry till then.”
“Ok baby honey.”
He made his way to the pantry to start looking for food while humming..HER SONG??
“Where did you hear that?” She quickly asks
“Hm? You were humming it no?”
“I-..was I?”
“Yeah just as I came in. Banger tune babe. Who’s it by?” He closes the pantry and grabs a banana from their fruit basket instead.
“No one.”
“No one?”
“Nobody you’d know.”
“Hey I know everyone.”
“They’re really underground besides I forgot their name.”
“Look it up. Hey google, what song is this?” He opens his phone and hums the song. Obviously since the song isn’t out google has no clue. “That’s so weird honey. Even google doesn’t know.”
“Funny. Ok go have a shower I’ll put this in the oven.”
“I wanna know the song. It’s nice I wanna hear the rest of it.”
“Just leave it Harry.”
“But I-”
“Harry!”
“Whatt”
“Just move on”
He sighed, “ok but I just don’t get it why are you so pissed over a song?”
“Because it’s mine..”
“What?”
“I just like..make up little songs sometimes it was one of those”
“Wait wait wait! You’ve been making music this entire time?”
“Not this entire time..it was just recently. When you’d be at your studio. Basically remember you used to send me demos?”
“Mhm?”, he asks, chewing on the bite of banana.
“So I just used to get them stuck in my head then they’d only be half finished and I’d start making up my own endings for them. Then I couldn’t remember them so I wrote them down and I just started writing from there, but it’s nothing serious.”
“Have you ever recorded anything? Properly?”
She chuckles slightly, putting the knife down and turning around fully, “no. Not like you I just have some like…audio recordings nothing much.”
“Can I listen to one? Please?”
“No.”
“Please?? I really really want to.”
“Harry..”
“It can be my anniversary present.”
“A month early?”
“Yeah.”
She sighed. She handed him her phone to look through the recordings. His jaw dropped. They were fucking amazing. She took her phone, “ok enough.”
“Baby! You cannot be serious! This is so good!”
She smiles, genuinely feeling her heart warm. “Really?”
“Yes I love them.”
She wasn’t one of those people who knew her talents and still undermined them. If something she did was good she’d give herself the due credit. And she actually thought her songs were nice. But she didn’t want them out into the world. She just wasn’t ready for that sort of exposure yet.
“Baby?”
“Yes Harry?”
“Do you have like an instrumental back for this?”
“Yeah. It’s in the files on my computer why?”
“Cool…”
The next morning when she came downstairs he was on her computer.
“Haz?” She asked. “What are you doing?”
“Forget everything. Watch this.” He presses play. She’s shocked.
It’s her voice, her song, her music. He’d edited it all together and added a tiny bit of reverb and auto tune where needed. When the song finished he turned back to her, “isn’t it great?”
“I love it Harry..”
“So?”
“So what?”
“So should I talk to Jeff? Get you out there?”
“No. Absolutely not.”
“What?”
She frowned, “I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“I just don’t..I wanna write for myself. Not anyone else.”
“Are you sure? We could really get you big. You could do this full time if you really enjoy it-”
“I don’t though Harry. I like my job this is just a hobby. I love it but not enough to do it full time. Not enough like you do.”
“Are you really sure my darling?”
“Yes. I don’t want it leaving this computer.”
Harry sighed, but then flashed her a grin, “you know what fine. Honestly m’happy.”
She smiled. “Why?”
“You could’ve been better than me baby. Thank god. You would’ve given me a run for my money.”
She laughed loudly, “really?”
“Honest. Now may I get some breakfast please?”
“Of course.”
“Or I could eat something else instead..”
“What?” She giggled
He looked her up and down ravishingly. “You perchance.”
“Huh. Let’s see..should I let you?”
“Yes. Please baby..”
She smiles.. “maybe.”
“That’s a yes,” he grabs her in a kiss, his tongue plunging into her mouth. He trailed kisses over her neck, reaching her tits. He took her shirt off and captured her lips once again before undoing the bra buckle and latching his mouth on a hardened peak.
He let out a moan muffled into her skin as she moaned and pushed herself into his mouth even more. His kisses trailed down her stomach then down to her thighs, hooking his thumbs in the waistband of her panties and pulling them down with her trousers, lapping at the arousal already running down her thighs.
“God look at you. So ready for me.” He licked a strip upwards, provoking a moan from her again. He ravaged her completely, focusing on her clit, sucking on it gently, flicking it with his tongue, not stopping despite her fingers tangling in his hair, her legs trying to squeeze shut in pleasure.
“Fuck Harry..please..I need to cum.”
“You will baby. Very soon. Just hang on two seconds for me I want you to cum on my cock yeah?”
“Yes-yeah please.”
He nudged her clit with the head of his hardened cock before pushing in with a grunt moan mix. “Yes fuck you’re so tight baby.”. He thrusted deeper, harder. He kept going until her moans were getting louder, her breath quicker and her pussy was clenching on his cock. “Ok love. Cum for me now.” He allowed her. She didn’t hesitate, costing his dick in her sweet juices.
It took mere seconds before he came with a groan, shooting hot loads into her womb. They’d been talking about hanging a baby. This wasn’t one of their planned tries but every thing counts? He gently pulled out of her and kissed her forehead.
“You were so good for me angel. Did you like it?”
“Yes Harry-god I loved it.”
“Good. You wait till tonight then.”.
#harry styles#new writers on tumblr#fanfic#harry fluff#fluff#harries#new writing blog#reqs open#fluffy#harry smut#smut#harry styles one shot#harry styles imagine#harry styles reader insert#fanfiction
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You know, I'm actually dissapointed about how they handled Maddie
I think the idea of showing that sometimes people do stupid decisions when they are in vulnerable and stressful moments could lead to some nice character moments, and was looking forward to seeing Caitlin possibly have to confront the idea she just used someone that strongly admired her just as a stress relief tool.
Like, imagine dreaming you have a chance to build a happy life together with your idol, only to realize your idol was just using you. That could create some nice drama and baggage to motivate Caitlin to make up for her past mistakes.
I think it could tie into the theme of how easily she was losing herself and the ability to see people as people, same way she was lashing out on the entire undercity for what happened to her mom.
Imagine if Maddie was about to shoot an innocent kid "for the cause" and made Caitlin realize she was creating more monsters like herself, that her own blinded rage was spreading and poisoning people's judgments, how even someone so seemingly innocent like Maddie was being corrupted by her pursuit for revenge.
That could have been a nice reality check moment. Make Cait go "Oh, my God... I'm becoming the type of person that killed Vi's parents... and so are they!" 😱
Making Maddie a villain feels like a cheap way of avoiding having to deal with all that.
Also... Before the reveal, everyone and their mom were hating on this girl even though she did nothing wrong, and now every single one of them are totally validated.
It reminds me of webtoons where side female characters get witch-hunted if they even dare to talk with the main leads and hint that they might get in the way of the main ship.
I don't like doing this kind of promotion of "any woman who gets in the way of the popular ship is eeeeviiiil!!!" 🔥
(And I do mean woman, I never see this amount of hate for guys that get in the way of ships 😑)
Maddie could have been such a better character.
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god i wish everyone could have the freedom and peace of mind that fell out of the sky and into my lap. there is nothing in the world that i want more than true security and healing for the people who haven’t found it yet. it is so weird because i never could have anticipated how deeply i would be affected. it played out really strangely for me because everyone knew that this person’s death was a huge deal for me but they expected it to be complicated and painful in a way that it just wasn’t. so people wanted to soothe me and offer well meant sympathy when mostly i was holding off from giggling and doing a happy dance. it felt like getting out of prison and winning the lotto on the same day. i felt like a first time parent wanting to go up to everyone i met and tell them the good news so they could share in my joy but like no one responds to death that way so i had to hold back. it was a fun time but no one in the world wanted to actually meet me where i was because life is sacred and i guess i seemed bitter or mean spirited. but i truly honestly didn’t want anything bad to happen to that person and i only realized how hard things had been when they suddenly got so much easier. i don’t think i was being ugly or cold hearted but there was a giant disconnect in how other people expected me to be and how i actually was. the ‘there’s no wrong way to grieve’ crowd really hated how i did it but i can’t find it in myself to be ashamed. that being said i could never have known it would go like this before it happened and i feel so lucky that i don’t have regrets or doubts about things left unsaid. but the main takeaway from my experience is that whatever happens and whatever stuff it stirs up there is no wrong emotional response to have and no judgement about what you feel or why. the twists and turns of the healing process are fascinating beyond belief.
the person who hurt me is dead and it is sheer bliss. because of how unambiguously good that has been for me personally and the world in general, having first hand knowledge of the burden that has been lifted, i can’t view jason’s ‘either i kill the joker or you shoot me in the face’ thing as unreasonable. i will never be able to untangle my experience with the idea of what jason deserves. i can’t fully put into words what it has meant to me to know the person who caused me so much harm will never be able to hurt anyone again but sitting here thinking about it how could i deny anyone who has been through some harrowing ordeal the peace that i have now? it just cannot be morally wrong for jason to kill the joker no matter how i look at it.
#this kinda got away from blorbo thoughts but i guess i have the whole rest of my blog to talk about jason#but yeah this convo is really important for me
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im at my dads work barbeque and THEYRE PLAYING INTO YOU ON THE SPEAKERS AND IM LIKE 🤏🤏🤏🤏🤏THIIIISSSS CLOSE TO JUST SCREAMING YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY BRAIN (but like in a good way ofc)
THIS SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY GENUINELY I JUMPED
#i was pregaming w my roommates n co before a football game#and it started playing#and i got so startled and looked around to see if anyone noticed#before realizing that it means nothing to everyone But Me.#into you by ariana grande…. the acswy anthem you are …#asks#acswy tunes
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I've never heard of emts working only at events? What's that like for you if you don't mind my asking?
Yeah, there are ambulance companies that staff certain events, but there's some event specific companies out there lmao. For me specifically, it's almost entirely college events, whether it's happening on a campus or not. It's not great, usually pretty boring, but it's better than being on an ambulance or in a hospital. We do get actual emergencies sometimes, but usually it's just getting drunk people to the tent or giving out water and bandaids lmao. Again, boring as fuck, but I chose this over working on a 911 rig, so that's on me 😔 if I'm being so real tho, other than my coworkers, the best part of the job is the food lmaoooo it's so good and all the food trucks/food booths give discounts or free food to us depending on the location and event. And there's almost always a ton of downtime, so I basically just get paid to sit there and vibe for the most part
#not snz#when i say i love my job i mean i love very specific parts of it lmao#idk if I've said it here before or not and this is gonna sound so bad coming from someone working in healthcare#but i don't like patients lmao#i love the book stuff and i love everything in theory and i know how everything works and I'm very enthusiastic about it#but man do i not like patients ahskaksk#there are exceptions obviously but those are few and far between#it's why i love being an emt at my fire station bc we don't reslond to medical calls#like I've done medical calls there for the public but very rarely bc people either approach us or we stumble upon them#so i really only do my emt things on the people i know and i love that#i love my coworkers so I'm always happy to make sure they're okay and help them out when they're not#but i feel nothing for the public and i didn't realize i genuinely couldn't care less about them until i started doing my clinicals#it's just awkward and I'm not invested in them i just like figuring out what's wrong with them and interact with them as little as possible#again there are exceptions and i do like some of the patients but generally I'm just trying to hand them off asap#so yeah i do like working events bc the alternative is being confined to a tiny box or trapped in a hospital#i like being outside and being able to walk around the place and do things if i want to#and obviously i adore my partner#and even on the rare occasions i work with someone else all day i love my other coworkers too#and i mean yeah this might be more boring than working on an emergency rig However#it pays so much better#like why do y'all think my medic partner works there lmao he's actually good with patients and prefers the ambulance#but the pay in the field is shit so he gets paid way more working events than he would at the three letter company#insane actually that he makes over ten dollars more an hour working chill events than he would being overworked on a rig#anyway i digress#I'm looking into pathology assistant school rn bc there's like no patient interaction there but i still get to be nosy#so that's perfect for me lmao#everyone keeps saying i missed my calling as a vet tho like i don't cry when a dog dies in a movie lmao i wouldn't survive#working with animals would be amazing but the only thing that really gets you money is being a vet#so that can be a hobby
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i really do love practicing 🎻
#i'm in music school so now it's a much more significant source of my already very significant fears#but practicing only feels stressful when i don't do it enough and i'm trying to 'catch up'#some weeks fly past me like hurricanes and i get to my lesson and i can't say i've made any progress and that fucks me up#and i don't think that's ever going away- like i'll always have weeks like that cuz everyone has bad days and bad weeks#from time to time#but when i plan correctly (which is becoming more and more the norm for me) my practicing is something im really proud of :)#i have a System. i didn't do very well before i had it and i would die without it now.#i get excited about learning! i get excited having realizations abt things to change or work on when i practice!#it feels experimenty a lot of the time and i like it!!!#i have a lot of catching up to do in terms of comparing myself to others but i'm not here for them i'm here for me#i will do my best and i will learn from others of course but my goals are to make my Me better first and worry abt other people later#i won't lose sight of that#<- and when it doesn't feel experimenty it can be calming to just be like okay ik what i need to do now just. Practice. Repeat.#i mean music is a fucking rollercoaster and sometimes you are at the bottom and i hate that but it comes w the territory#sometimes you're just Stuck but you do get past it and in those moments i just try to think back to previous times ive felt like that#ive felt horribly shitty before and gotten through it and come out the other side slightly better!#life is like that i think#anyways. hashtag iris loves music and being a musician 🙄 nothing new over here hehe
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wld love to hear ur thoughts abt ur last post on true selves - @milkstore
It's really simple tbh? Basically people have this assumption that if they've never opened up to you, you can't ever know their "true face." They assume that the face that they show to the world is heavily divorced from their true self. Sure doesn't help when they act differently around different people, blah blah blah. To them, their masks are lies and their heart is truth. To be honest, I'm not sure I understand why these people think this way. Are not the different faces a person wears just different facets of their personality?
Regardless, I think because people operate under the assumption that the masks they show to the world aren't their true self, they assume they can't ever be known without their consent. It's a really ridiculous assumption tbh. It'd take a lot of conscious planning and decisions to truly create a persona that is completely unlike yourself. Like you'd literally have to be insane to do that.
In reality, people do not think much before making majority of their day to day decisions. Must you play a mental chess match to decide whether or not to greet your coworkers? Do you make conscious decisions to purchase food you dislike so nobody will know what you actually like? Do you have to physically and consciously move the muscles in your face to form a smile or a frown for every interaction? If these things do not take much conscious thought, then are you not acting true to your "true self?"
Then think about the things you consciously do or don't do. If someone disagrees with you but you don't argue back, does that not say something? If you tell jokes at work to get people to laugh, does that not reveal things? Even if these actions are not a part of your "true self," does not the fact you simply did them tell something about you?
This is just talking about actions. This doesn't even go into reactions. People assume that they are the best actors and can fool the world, but they are just fooling themselves. Initial reactions are hard to hide. True happiness and excitement is hard to fake. Feigned interest is quite easy to see. Stress, anger, and hurt are hard to gloss over. Are not emotions and the reasons for them very revealing for true selves?
And kinda going into my other post, you work from there. [Observation + observation] = intuitive observation. [Intuitive observation + intuitive observation] = mid-tier observation. Etc.
In my personal opinion, while intuitive observations are where the meat of everything is, that doesn't make simple observations less... intimate. For example, you observe a person doesn't eat many vegetables. You can rightfully assume they don't like vegetables. The very fact you noticed this means that you were paying attention to them. You know something about their true self.
#interactions#this post has a terrible ending but i ran out of points lol#but what i'm guessing is that people like this tend to assume that [thoughts/opinions = true self]#[reasonings = true self]#'i think therefore i am' sorta deal#they don't realize that by the way they act we can intuit what sort of thoughts and opinions they may have#not exactly i mean#but you can tell when you observe a person if they'll have logical opinions... emotional opinions... fake edgy opinions LOL#so in the end when they finally do open up nothing comes as a surprise because those thoughts match the person you know them to be#instead of being like 'wow that surprised me' it's more like 'yeah that makes sense lol'#getting a grip of a person's true self will take time (yes) but it's pretty easy once you've done it enough#and like.... i don't mean you take a deep dive into their psyche#but from first meeting you can tell the type of person they are#can you trust them? will they cause you issues? are they fun? will you possibly offend them? etc#everyone does this#if you want to get better though when you do get a general vibe of a person ask yourself 'why do i think this?'#'why don't i think i can trust them? why do i think i'd get along with them?' etc#at the same time though as i've said before put enough stock into your observations to protect yourself but also like...#not enough to the point you refuse to acknowledge evidence to support something else#always refine your observations and never ignore new information#always ask 'why'#ngl i have thoughts on nearly every single person i've met and am not afraid to share them but nobody ever returns the favor haha#bums me out a lot#i want someone to do an anon analysis for me HAHA
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byan getting angry, sometimes to the point of violence, when someone tries to diagnose them in any capacity.
#yes even in a professional capacity when they're sitting with a psychiatrist#they are FINE. there is NOTHING wrong with them.#nothing they've been through has affected them deeply enough to affect their development or behaviour or thought processes or anything#they're not normal but they're not not normal in a mental illness kind of way okay????#and their brain is wired the same way everyone else's is so shut the fuck up and take that back#by which i mean a lot of their appointments with counsellors and psychiatrists usually end in byan shouting or throwing things#or even biting someone or simply shutting down and refusing to cooperate#........it's actually fully possible they've been in a psych ward at some point i'm realizing now while i think about this &#also the fact that they have overdosed... it's actually probable and incredibly likely and idk how that hasn't occurred to me#before now. especially as someone who's spent time in a psych ward.#new thing to ponder upon for a bit ig even tho that wasn't the point of this post at all akjfhsd#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.#overdose cw#i feel like the mention of that needs a tag but i'm not sure if anything else might :x
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Am I nauseous because I'm hungry or because I triggered myself last night
#my stomach hurts and i need to eat but the idea of doing that is. ack#and i cant tell my parents why because id have to unpack so much spontaneously#like id have to explain i was on the internet before they let me make an account and that i didnt tell them when i was getting those dms#and how its basically ruined any neutrality i had towards sex because ill be fine and then BAM!#everyone else is 12 year old me and im an adult and im my abuser and im going to hurt them if i keep talking about this#just because it was only words doesnt mean it fucked everything up forever. i know back then i was aroace but didnt have the words#but i sincerely think id be just sex neutral if it wasnt for that fucking asshole and now i think about sex for too long and get sick#and i didnt say anything because i thought they were my friend and i dont know if they were 11 like they said they were or not either way#its just. im getting so much off my chest here i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to block after that first message#and i didnt say anything after i realized because i wasnt allowed to have social media and i didnt want to get in trouble over that part#fantasizing alone is one thing but as soon as someone else is involved theyre me and im that person on da and i hate it. i hate it i hate it#i hate it i hate it#is that a common thing. where you feel like youre the abuser in certain contexts even if youre nothing like them#whatever. i have physical therapy and then ask a prof if i can use him as a reference and then finish my application if he gets back to me#and then i can rot all i want#sky vents like amogus
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feeling very 🧍♂️ may not be around for a bit
#its nothing tumblr related really its more just irl#a mix of being tired and having deadlines and not being able to make myself work#and the. kinda harsh switch in vibe in the house from last nights everyone hanging out having fun#to todays me alone cleaning up after everyone and knowing that the others are content doing their own thing and don't wanna hang w me#which like!! is fine im not expecting to be the center of their world its just.#idk we used to hang out every night watching a movie or some tv and laughing#and ever since i got back from my trip we just. we spend time together maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks and it takes me asking if they wanna#hang out like 3000 times before it ever happens and when it does there's just. theres a disconnect#and I think they just realized during the two months i was away that theyre. maybe a bit happier without me#or at least they find it easier to not hang out#like theyve got jobs now so obviously they dont have time the way they used to but its not just that theres been a Shift#i think they also might. kinda resent me for the trip and having that opportunity#which sucks bc i cant. do anything ab that i had no say in the trip i didnt want to go#and even saying that makes me very. like that feels like such a selfish arrogant thing to say to want to turn down a trip across the world#but everyone who was here during that trip knows that i spent the entire time dissociating and getting yelled at and suicidal so uh#i dont think its selfish to not have wanted to go when i Knew it'd end like that but i think they might think it was#ANYWAY this got depressing and sad i dont mean to bring shit here its just i literally only have 3 friends and 2 of them r these ones#and the other is so emotionally unavailable and doesnt really take mental health seriously so#ooc.#negative cw
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me: *desperately needs praise for the work i do or i will shatter from the heartache*
also me: *at least once a month cries and shatters from the heartache bc i'm convinced every single bit of praise i ever get is either a lie just to be nice, or misguided bc they don't realize i'm a fraud*
#i'm starting school this autumn (studying music) and for like this entire year i've been having a crisis every other week#about how i don't rly belong at the school and don't deserve my place there and how i will fail at everything#and i'm too stupid to really learn anything and if they haven't before now everyone will realize i'm just average at best#and i should quit music all together bc there's nothing that i can do that someone else can't do better and i can't get anything done anyway#and i'm an idiot for ever believing anything nice people have said about me bc either they were lying or they just didn't know better#and i'm pathetic for thinking that i could ever employ myself in the arts#and god i would say 'why am i even trying' if i was trying at all but i'm not bc i'm fucking lazy and stupid#and i should quit while there are people who still live in the illusion that i'm good at something so they won't see the truth#i'm self centered and self obsessed and a fucking moron for creating this false image of myself that's competent and good at things#i'm living in a big fat lie and we're all just waiting for the lie to start to fall apart and crumble around me#so uh.. anyway. didn't.. actually mean to go on a tangent like that#that's so me isn't it. fucking fishing for praise and reassurance like that. like a fucking idiot#sorry sorry sorry i'll stop now i'll stop i'll shut up#whatever. bye#eg posts
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oughh. ouchiee
#self harm tw#for the following tags#smearing bits of blood on my legs as i realize that at this point i cant not admit to myself that what im doing is sh#because yeah everyone picks at scabs right?#but not everyone does it. obsessively. and i mean utterly obsessively#and im at a point where i do#i do it when i know the scab is still fresh and it will bleed and form over again for me to pick at it again#i scratch hard at my skin and my scalp and at pimples and mosquito bites#with the goal of making it bleed#and then scab and then tear off and then bleed again#i keep telling myself its a nervous habit and nothing more#or that i do it simply because it feels deeply satisfying#(and it does. which makes it very hard to stop)#but at some point the sting became addictive#and now im covered in tiny wounds from head to toe and i keep picking at every inch of skin for more#its. genuinely a problem now#enough that people ask me what happened to me when they see my legs#el oh el i need to find a solution to this before i peel every inch of skin off my body#if anyone has read this and has any advice ur welcome to comment
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