#before my time but I have friends who still think of Amanda Palmer as that goth dating Blake from sh who busks in Harvard square

[literallymechanical]

Saw the Dresden Dolls in their natural habitat last night, they were excellent and the crowd was having a blast. I have never seen anybody as royally pissed off at a man as Amanda Palmer is mad at Neil Gaiman. Taylor Swift could never.

[tma-entity-song-poll]

Battle of the Fear Bands!

B5R5: The Lonely

Ship in a Bottle:

The Bed Song:

“The song tells the story of a couple in snapshots over the course of their lives. They're close and affectionate in their youth, but a gulf between them forms and gets wider with every verse. The song ends with the two of them laying in their graves, having not touched each other in decades.”

Lyrics below the line!

Ship in a Bottle:

You can fit everything you know In a bottle for you to show Pick your brain apart and put it in And build it again with needles and pins Everything you have earned is a ship With blue waves crashing into it But nothing can touch your happy thoughts anymore With your glass ceiling, walls, and floor

Sailing on a ship in a bottle Anchor all your thoughts to the bottom Pulling ropes and pulling your head back To see what is breaking the foremast You set sail alone, there is no crew No one on the deck who can help you This is all your own battle to win This is your ship and you are the captain

Oh, captain, let's make a deal Where we both say the things that we both really feel I feel scared and I'm starting to sink And I only sink deeper the deeper I think Oh, captain, oh, captain, deal Oh, captain, deal, oh, captain, deal, oh

There are red spots under your eyes From when you cry into the sky Ocean waters rising above your neck, mmm You feel the glass start to crack

Sailing on a ship in a bottle Water's leaking through holes in the bottom Flying flags of ships that have long since Sat at the floor of the sea, but in defense You set sail alone, there is no crew No one on the deck who can help you This is all your own battle to win This is your ship and you are the captain

Oh, captain, let's make a deal Where we both say the things that we both really feel I feel scared and I'm starting to sink And I only sink deeper the deeper I think

Oh, captain, make up your mind Before the salt burns your eyes and you run out of time 'Cause you're popping the cork, you get lost in your brain And you lose touch with all the things that made you feel sane Oh, captain, oh, captain, deal Oh, captain, deal, oh, captain, deal, oh

Oh, captain, let's make a deal Where we both say the things that we both really feel I feel scared and I'm starting to sink And I only sink deeper the deeper I think

Oh, captain, make up your mind Before the salt burns your eyes and you run out of time 'Cause you're popping the cork, you get lost in your brain And you lose touch with all the things that made you feel sane Oh, captain, oh, captain, deal Oh, captain, deal, oh, captain, deal, oh

The Bed Song:

Exhibit A We are friends in a sleeping bag splitting the heat We have one filthy pillow to share and your lips are in my hair Someone upstairs has a rat that we laughed at And people are drinking And singing bad Scarborough Fair on a ukulele tear

Exhibit B Well, we found an apartment It’s not much to look at A futon on a floor Torn-off desktop for a door All the decor's made of milk crates and duct tape And if we have sex They can hear us through the floor But we don’t do that anymore

And I lay there wondering, what is the matter? Is this a matter of worse or of better? You took the blanket, so I took the bedsheet But I would have held you if you'd only

Let me

Exhibit C Look how quaint And how quiet and private Our paychecks have bought us a condo in town It's the nicest flat around You picked a mattress and had it delivered And I walked upstairs And the sight of it made my heart pound And I wrapped my arms around me

And I stood there wondering, what is the matter? Is this a matter of worse or of better? You walked right past me and straightened the covers But I would still love you if you wanted a lover And you said All the money in the world Won't buy a bed so big and wide To guarantee that you won't accidentally touch me In the night

Exhibit D Now we're both mostly paralyzed Don't know how long we've been lying here in fear Too afraid to even feel I find my glasses and you turn the light out Roll off on your side Like you've rolled away for years Holding back those king-size tears

And I still don't ask you, what is the matter? Is this a matter of worse or of better? You take the heart failure I'll take the cancer I've long stopped wondering why you don't answer

Exhibit E You can certainly see how fulfilling a life From the cost and size of stone of our final resting home We got some nice ones right under a cherry tree You and me lying the only way we know Side by side and still and cold

And I finally ask you, what was the matter? Was it a matter of worse or of better? You stretch your arms out and finally face me You say I would have told you

If you'd only asked me If you'd only asked me If you'd only asked me

[nineofmeee]

Responsibility, Arrogance, Tolerance. A Dresden Dolls essay from a black girl.

On July 20th, 2022, I was confronted with the shocking consequence of my actions. That day I left a comment below one of the Dresden Dolls posts. The post was a poster for one of their upcoming return tours and in response, I commented a hilarious and creative comment that showed my excitement for this announcement and the love I had for the duo.

Nineofmee: "Big day for racists!

In a SHOCKING turn of events, I was banned from their Instagram account, and still feel this sting to this day....."Why did I do that?" I thought. "What did I learn from this experience?" I questioned...

"How should I feel about the Dresden Dolls?"

The Dresden Dolls, Pioneers of the dark cabaret/punk-cabaret scene in the early 2000s, were represented by Amanda (fucking) Palmer and Brian Viglione. The two of them performed for many years and released two full-length LPs an EP and live albums galore. The duo frequented hiatus for personal and career purposes causing their activity as the Dresden Dolls to be far and in between, but in 2020 when they officially announced their reunion and are currently playing shows all around. The social climate they left in the 2010s would not be one they'd return to in the 2020s because something shifted when it came to the Dresden Dolls name; something they didn't have an abundance of before that they now have.

A spotlight.

"Plus my only natural talents wasted on my alcoholic friends.."-The Dresden Dolls.

TikTok is a double-edged sword. Through all the corruption and bad media overstimulation that the brains of millions around the world experience, the app allows once unheard-of artists to be readily available and gain some traction, boosting their careers. This is exactly what Amanda and Brian found themselves benefiting from. My Alcoholic Friends spread like wildfire on a specific side of the app and introduced many people to the Dresden Dolls.

Not far after, another Amanda Palmer project gained traction around TikTok to...let's call it "mixed reviews", and from this many people got more interested in the question of who Amanda Palmer was outside of the Dresden Dolls, and up from the depths of the internet came;

WARNING! I WILL BE GOING INTO OLD AND ACKNOWLAGED CONTROVERSIES HERE! GIVE ME A SECOND TO EXPLAIN WHY I BRING THIS UP!

"Fuck the police comin' straight from the underground A Young n**** got it bad 'cause I'm brown And not the other color so police think..."-N.W.A

N.W.A, a hip-hop group from Compton, California sings about police brutality from the perspective of being African-American men in America...and Amanda Palmer also sings along for some fucking reason. It was in 2009 when Amanda Palmer started to perform these ukelele covers and at the time apparently; she was not aware she should probably not say the N-word as a white woman? Amanda Palmer has a long statement on her blog apologizing for her arrogance surrounding the use of this racial slur, but here's where I want to flip this post to be a little less of an essay and more of a personal statement.

As a black woman, I do not forgive her arrogance.

Amanda Palmer has apologized and I'm not asking for anything with this post here, I'm just simply conceptualizing my feelings. Amanda Palmer in a video interview talks about her feelings about being flamed on the internet and her feelings on "Radical Compassion" What is Radical Compassion? Well, it is the idea that "even in the moment when you strongly disagree with someone (ect...) you have to approach every last motherfucker with a massive dose of compassion knowing that they're just as human as you..." Kindly, I think this excuse to deflect full responsibility. Even in her blog she says and "this is to remind you that nothing progresses within a vacuum, that we are in a relationship. we are a unit, you and me.." If this isn't to shame her audience or deflect blame then, why bring up other people in your apology? Also, Amanda Palmer is notorious for not hearing people out in her career, standing on her opinions as strong as a cement pole. I will forever continue to acknowledge their music, their history, their impact on my life, but I don't think it is fair to be asked to not be angry about this. If Amanda Palmer didn't understand it's impact then why did she add it to her song Guitar Hero where she uses it in a derogatory to prove a point about how much the word weighs? If Amanda Palmer didn't understand it's impact why would she change the inflection of the word from an "a" suffix to an "er" suffix? How punk and non-racist are you if you don't think and reflect on that maybe a little bit. Black people aren't here to educate you on what you should and shouldn't be saying, google it. Lear history. Use your privilege. Don't be arrogant.

What does this have to do with The Dresden Dolls?

Amanda Palmer is half of the band, I support the band I support Amanda. I don't want to directly finance her, but i struggle to ignore her importance to me. She was someone really important to me but, i am so sick of being told by people to forgive them for mistakes surrounding my race, my person, she's aware of her actions, she isn't a child. 2015 was the last time she performed this cover and embarrassed herself in front of her fans. It isn't OUR JOB to educate you. That, in a whole is where I stand.

Thanks for reading this and, please comment any comments that pop in to your mind! I love to further conversations and challenge my own opinions! In the words of Amanda Palmer; "I talk, you listen. We're a unit," except I'm not saying slurs I shouldn't say and trying to deflect the blame.

Cited Sorces: “Amanda Palmer on Abortion, Cancel Culture, and Australia’s Bushfires | Junkee.” YouTube, YouTube, 5 Feb. 2020, www.youtube.com/watch?v=fN9JtncxF5o&t=1s. “On Racism, Words, Art, Time and Progress.” Amanda Palmer Blog, 22 June 2020, blog.amandapalmer.net/racism-words-art-time-progress/.

[shadesofawe]

Here's how I kept stumbling over Neil Gaiman until it brought me to the madness that is this fandom:

It all starts with Terry Pratchett. I read and enjoyed a number of discworld books as a teenager in the late 90s. Fast forward to March 2015 when I read about Sir Terry's death. I decided to honor him by reading another of his books and checked what was available on my kindle (that I had just gotten for christmas). The first novel that I didn't already know was Good Omens. I was sceptical because it was co-written by (my thoughts then:) "Neil Gaiman? Who's that random guy? Never heard of him..." but I gave it a try. I laughed. I laughed harder. It made me think. Then laugh again. We had a good time, me and the book.

I was a parent to two smallish kids. I started a new job. I broke up with the spouse. I didn't get to read much anymore. But a few years on, I read an article mentioning Coraline (the movie) in a parenting magazine. My kids were the right age and we watched it. It was the right kind of scary. I didn't connect it with Neil Gaiman at the time.

I still didn't have much time to read and slowly started getting into podcasts and audiobooks. I listened to Neverwhere while cleaning house and loved it. I decided to remember the author's name. (I did not remember it being the second name on the Good Omens title page.)

On a flea market I bought a copy of The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide. I knew and loved Douglas Adams from my teenage years but hadn’t read him in English. I read the foreword and found it to be written by - Neil Gaiman.

In early 2019, a friend convinced me to buy tickets for an Amanda Palmer concert later that year. (She wasn't even familiar with her music but loved her for The Art of Asking.) In preparation, I started not only listening to her music, but reading all kinds of stuff about and from her on social media. Apparently she was married to apparently famous author Neil Gaiman. Hey, I knew that guy! My friend, with a degree in American literature, said "Oh yeah, he wrote American Gods." I read American Gods. I loved it. I listened to Anansi Boys. I loved it. (This needs to be said: The concert was gut wrenchingly fabulous. I cried. I cheered. I fell in love with Amanda Palmer.)

Mind you, despite Neil Gaiman already on my radar, in autumn 2019 I had managed to not know about Good Omens (the show). I was randomly looking for something to watch on Amazon Prime to distract me from, you know, „the horrors“. (Somehow I hadn't used it much for streaming before.) There was a show that looked bright and colourful and quirky. And wasn't that the Doctor Who guy? I casually started watching and the story seemed familiar... wait, I read that book! By Terry Pratchett and - oh shit, that's the same Neil Gaiman!

There was no casual watching. I binge watched. I rewatched. I made my kids watch. I made my mother watch two episodes when she came for a visit and then gifted her the DVD for Christmas. She loves it, she loves season 2 even more.

Anyway. It was only with the show that I really started 1) connecting the dots ("the one who wrote Coraline") and 2) digging into it, looking for more stuff. (Not only Neil's though. You all know the drill.) I have been obsessed before, but I haven't been in a fandom before. I like it. The Brainrot is still going strong.

What's the point of all this? The point is: Dolphins. Tha‘ s ma point. It’s  great to discover new stuff to like (books, music, movies, but also skills, crafts, arts,…). It’s awesome to discover stuff you might have liked much earlier in your life but somehow missed out on. It’s so much fun to obsess over something to the point it leads you to discover entirely different, new things. The point is: Share your excitement, be excited around people you like. At ~40y I found myself bonding more with my Mother over Good Omens. My kid became an avid Discworld reader. In return, I got introduced to Percy Jackson. Spread the joy, be excited together.

Whoever managed to read that far: If you like, please share an unexpected joy your Good Omens or Neil Gaiman obsession has led you to. I know, there are many examples. Just pick one. I´ll start: without following Neil Gaiman on tumblr, I wouldn´t have bought a ticket for the Magnetic Fields, and I would never have discovered the music of Darren Hanlon (who was support act).

[ajoytobeheld]

Ellen Campesinos!' favourite records of the decade

December 19th, 2009

“Misty Water Coloured Memories”

My Favourite Albums of The Last Decade with Thoughtful Memories Attached to Explain their Significance in my Life

The Distillers –Coral Fang

The last album Brody and Co released before they decided they didn’t like each other any more, and this pop punk gem reminds me of getting the side of my lip pierced so I could look more like Mrs Dalle when I was 18…. therefore this also reminds me of using popular culture to formulate my attire. Not that I do that anymore.

Alkaline Trio – Good Mourning

I listened to this album obsessively on a family holiday to Gran Canarias because otherwise I would have had to make conversation with my family. I also thought Matt Skiba was the be all and end all of men (I was 16ish) Now look at him. He hasnt aged well.

The Dresden Dolls – Yes, Virginia

The second album from the Boston pair, which featured the amazing “Mandy Goes to Med School” and “Backstabber” (One of my favourite music videos, along with Amanda Palmers karaoke videos of Avril Lavigne songs. Youtube it. It’s gold.) Because I was part of The Dolls mailing list I got to pretend to be a “living statue” at their concert at the Astoria, I held up some fan art and didn’t move for a bit before the gig. I also had to clear a space (with other fan list people) for this interpretive dance group who performed a LONG “piece” wearing latex suits and gas masks whilst having a sponsored epileptic fit to some white noise. It was the worst thing I had ever seen.

Brand New – Deja Entendu

Just after this record came out I won a competition to meet them after they did an in store in London and I couldn’t find anyone to go with me but I had a “plus 1” so asked a random girl waiting around outside with a Brand New t shirt on. I think she may have cried. I was told by the lead singer that I had shakey hands when I tried to take pictures of him, but that’s because he made me nervous.

Bright Eyes – Fevers and Mirrors

I think I use to listen to this and cry about all the boys who said they would text me back and never did. This definitely coincided with that time I had a livejournal.

A Perfect Circle – Mer De Noms

James Maynard Keenan has a voice which use to excite me sexually. I put this on the classroom stereo during my art foundation course many years back and I was immediately ridiculed for my music taste and thus begun a cycle of self loathing and using headphones.

Venetian Snares – Rossz Csillag Alatt Született

I danced to this at a play in Edinburgh. There was a mandatory audience participation bit and we had to wear Venetian masks and do vodka shots whilst “raving”. It was horrible and it went on for ten fucking minutes, and I spend the entire time being very aware of my arms.

Jimmy Eat World – Bleed America

I was talking about this album the other day to a friend and immediately began to sing a medley of all the songs from it, remembering the times when I use to dance to “The Middle” and think that song was “all about me” and my untapped potential. I actually when to a “punk and emo” night in Bristol the other week and had a little dance to it, except I was six years older and it was just a bit sad/liberating.

My Ruin – Speak and Destroy

This sound tracked my first year of university; I was fat with long black hair and so was the singer therefore we had a kinship.

Reuben – In Nothing We Trust

I listened to this album obsessively when we were recording “Hold On Now Youngster,” and I still stand by my decision it was the best one they made before they split up because they had no money.

Biffy Clyro – Blackened Sky

Blackened Sky was their debut album, and I went to see them play at the Fleece and Firkin when they were still puffy and ungroomed and unknown and you know….making good music. WHY BIFFY WHY!

[fasa-umich]

Justine Coteng, FASA's 2022 - 2023 Secretary

1: deez nuts

Hi slays 😌 I can’t believe I have reached the end of my time as FASA secretary - it feels like it was only yesterday that I stepped into Palmer Boardroom 5 for the first time 😋

me and alyssa being the first two people at the board transition meeting because everyone else was late getting food

Before I get into the details of being a board member, I’ll talk about joining FASA in general. I became a member in the Fall of 2021 when I was a sophomore (for the first time lol). It all began when I attended Festifall and frantically searched for a “Filipino club.” After I snatched up the free goodies at the Snackpass table, I made my way over to the section of the Diag that was lined with cultural orgs. It took me about 5 minutes to squeeze my way through the mass of people, but I eventually saw someone waving the Philippine flag. A lot was going on and I was pretty overwhelmed, so I honestly don’t remember who I saw or spoke to. All I know is that I was excited to find out that there was an actual student org for Filipino students! 

the picture I took after I walked away from the FASA table at Festifall (why did I call it the filipino club bye)

To be honest, I wasn’t super involved during my first semester of FASA. I attended events once every couple of months, but it wasn’t until PCN committees that I actually started committing (get it? because committees 😀) to our organization. For those few months leading up to PCN, I got to see how passionate our members are about our culture. It was seeing that passion that encouraged me to be more involved with FASA - I knew I wanted to be part of a group that genuinely loves its culture and the people within it.

figure 3: the first existing pictures of me and christian at pcn committee meeting <3 

2: wakanda forever

Fast forward a few months, I decided to run for E-board! The two people that I want to give credit for encouraging me are Emily Madlambayan and Amanda Sutherby. Hearing both of you tell me that I’d be a great fit for board played a huge role in my decision to send in an application, so thank you for supporting me :’)

I was pretty nervous to give my speech during elections. Even though I felt like I knew a good amount of people in FASA, I still didn’t really know the other people running for board. It was a bit intimidating to see that a lot of the other candidates had spent a few months together as interns while I was coming in as a silly little non-intern. However, I’m so glad that I didn’t let my nerves deter me from running. I can’t imagine not having my booty gals by my side!

first board pic!

Throughout this last year of being on E-board, there have been a lot of ups and a few downs.

Ups 😄:

Memories

So many fun times! Here are a few favs of mine:

Tinik on the Diag: I didn’t think I would be able to do Tinik, but honestly I kinda slayed

Halo-Halloween: ya’ll remember those two tacos? (hi catrina)

FASAxPASS Tailgate: I just want to thank Celeste for grilling it UP that day 😮‍💨

Fishing & Unionizing: the weeks that I decided to study with FASA friends were the weeks that I got absolutely nothing done… but it was worth it!

All I Ask… Choir Kids edition

me & meedja milly at fasaxpass tailgate <3

Friends: I have gotten so much closer to people that I don’t think I would’ve gotten close to. It’s hard not to form friendships with people you see all the time, but it’s even harder not to bond with people when everyone is so dope!! I am truly so grateful for the friends I’ve made on board - I don’t think I would’ve made it through the trenches without you all :’)

Growth: Being on E-board taught me so many things, both related and unrelated to FASA. It’s obviously super interesting to see the behind-the-scenes of a student organization, but I also appreciate the growth that came out of sticky situations. For instance, I had to be okay with last-minute changes, denied requests, and miscommunications. Although these things were frustrating in the moment, I ended up learning how to handle those types of situations so that I can slay them in the future!

Downs 😔:

Emmanuel: iykyk

Booking practice rooms in East Quad:🧍🏻‍♀

Burnout: Board burnout is so real. When an E-board is made up of people that truly want to provide the best experience for other members, it’s hard not to reach a point of burnout. It really does take a lot of energy to create and plan out events every week or two! Future boardies, please remind yourselves often that you have a whole group of people that are willing to support you if you need anything. You don’t need to take on too much by yourself - and you shouldn’t, as it will only lead to more stress!

how to cure boardie girl burnout = go hub tubbin

3: slay

I feel like this testimonial has been super chaotic whoops so let me wrap it up😎

To the 2023-2024 executive board: 

I am so excited to see what you all do with FASA! You are all capable of so much - I already know that you’re gonna make this another amazing year for everyone in this org. As I talked about before, burnout is real so please take care of yourselves! 

This year is going to go by so much faster than you think. Enjoy every moment you spend with your fellow boardies, even when you aren’t feeling 100% up to it. By the end of the next year, you’re not gonna believe it’s over (I still don’t!). 

To the next secretary:

hi slay <3 We can talk all about the logistics of what it means to be secretary, but the one thing I really want to emphasize is that your role is vital to the success of the rest of board! There were times when I felt like I wasn’t doing enough or I was ~useless~ because I wasn’t responsible for planning any events while my fellow boardies were slaying with all of their creative ideas. However, having a different role from the rest of board does not mean that your position is less important. Give yourself grace and try to remind yourself of the uniqueness of your role and what it brings to the table! 

To the 2022-2023 executive board: 

I’m so thankful to have been on board with each of you. Thank you for all of the laughs and support throughout this last year. Having to transition to the nursing program (yuck) at the same time as becoming part of FASA board was more difficult than I thought it would be, but I managed to get through it because I knew I could turn to any of you if I felt overwhelmed about anything. The time we spent on board together is something that I will always look back fondly on. So much love 🫶🏼

we definitely didn’t forget caitlin at first…

To FASA:

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explore my culture alongside some of the most genuine, fun, amazing people I know. Being a part of FASA has been one of the best parts of my college experience, and I know that my time as a member will have a lasting impact on me even after I graduate <3

To the person reading this right now:

ur mom

[seventhstar]

reading update 5/8/2022

Very close to hitting my goal :) Have been in a bit of a slump but I'm hoping to pick up the pace.

Currently Reading:

The Way Spring Arrives And Other Stories edited by Yu Chen

The Tyrant Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson

Dracula by Bram Stoker

The Atlas Six by Olivie Blake

The Memory Librarian and Other Stories of Dirty Computer by Janelle Monae

I know it looks like a lot, but I can explain. Two short story compilations, which I try to read slowly so that I can enjoy each story. Tyrant is 656 pages long; I would be surprised if I got it finished before it has to go back to the library. I will probably just buy a copy before I have to give it back to the library. Dracula I'm reading via the newsletter everyone and their mother is signed up for now, but I figured it was a good idea to mark it on GR so that I wouldn't forget to log it. And The Atlas Six was an impulse pick up at the library. My threshold to DNF it is very low, because hyped YA fantasy has failed me too many times already.

This is the second time I have checked these out. We'll see if I actually read them!

Ten Book Shortlst:

The Councillor by E. J. Beaton

The First Sister by Linden A. Lewis

The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun

Rosaline Palmer Takes the Cake by Alexis Hall

A Darker Shade of Magic by V. E. Schwab

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern

Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism by Amanda Montell

These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong

Small Gods by Terry Pratchett

Still need to add a book to this list to bring it back to ten, but I'm waiting until I move because right now I have so many library books, etc.

Reviews:

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saentz

5/5. This was a recommendation from a friend, which I'm glad I accepted because I really enjoyed this book! It's heavily character-driven and really engaging. Very few coming out stories appeal to me these days, but this one stole my heart. My only complaint is that the parents sitting Ari down at the end of the book to tell him he was in love with Dante felt...highly forced. In general that's a trope I dislike.

The Blue Castle by L. M. Montgomery

5/5. An annual read and one of my favorite books ever. I love Valancy with my whole heart, and her jounrey from downtrodden wallflower to a sparkling, witty adventress is wonderful to read every time. Sometimes I open this one up just to read Barney's confession at the end. One of the few romances I have read with a believable third act break up. Recommended to everyone.

The Monster Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson

4/5. Oof. This is a very good book that is losing one star for having a problem I think a lot of second books have: you know it's going to end badly, somehow, and that makes the protagonist's constant suffering so much worse, because you have no hope it'll ever be relieved. The worldbuilding in this book is incredibly strong, and the plot is still engaging, but it's such a trauma conga that it took me two months to read. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens to Baru in book 3 (and book 4, if we ever get book 4).

Learned Reactions by Jayce Ellis

4/5. This was an impulse buy that I kind of regret? It's a romance between two childhood friends who are now in their 30s and successful, but have always had some underlying tension because they're mutually pining to each other. Add a dollop of fake dating and a sudden adoption and you've got this book. I really enjoyed the two leads, and I felt like their connection was great. I also enjoyed reading a book where characters communicate in an adult way. However, I felt like the middle of the book sagged and the conflict felt kind of contrived--these guys are grown adults, why is it taking them so long to get their shit together--and it also has a trope I hate, "every side character is there to tell the leads to hook up" syndrome. Including the adopted kids!

I'm giving this 4 stars because I think my complaints are all pretty subjective and another reader might really enjoy all the stuff that bogged the book down for me. The actual writing is great.

Four Aunties and a Wedding

2/5. Man, these 2022 releases are disappointing. I really enjoyed Dial A for Aunties, and was looking forward to the sequel. But this fell flat for me. It's a retread of the first book but this time there's no internal conflict for any of the characters to overcome. Nathan is a nonpresence, Meddy doesn't change at all and hasn't retained any of her character development from book 1, and the aunties feel like caricatures. There are so many opportunities in this book that go missed. Without any emotional scaffolding to hang them on, the constant hijinks of this book feel forced and cringey. I skimmed the last third or so because I just wanted to know if the ending would be good. It wasn't.

[ms-rampage]

Eden’s Gate: The Mother Chapter 11 - All Hope Is (Not All) Gone

Warnings: Light swearing, talks of child abuse and neglect. Fluff (towards the end). 

Word count: 2.3k

Where it all began. 

Summary: Mandy gets help from a Militia group that can help her with getting out of the Cult. Also Mandy gets a spell that can help stay off of Chucks and as well as all other celestials' radar. 

Guest OCs: Barbara Teller (FC: Katey Segal), Marie Campbell (FC: Fairuza Balk), Dawana Floyd (FC: Anna Diop)

Guest Characters: Tammy Barnes, Eli Palmer, and a young Wheaty. Raphael [Supernatural; female vessel]

Note: None

_____________

Flashback September 2011

Des Moine, Iowa. 

Paige and Kate get taken to the Des Moine police station for questioning. 

Mandy is under temporary house arrest, but will have charges of child abuse and neglect on her.

“Has your mother ever abused you?” an officer asks Paige. 

She shakes her head, “No, she’s never hit me, or my sister”. 

In another room, an officer asks Kate, “Has your mother ever neglected you?”. 

“No” she quietly answers, shaking her. 

“You don’t have to protect her. You can tell us and you won't have to be scared anymore” the officer tells her. 

Back to the elder sister. 

“My mom has never hit me, or my sister” Paige tells the officer.

“Then how do you explain the scars and bruises on your arms and hands?!” the officer asks.

“I got into a fight” she explains, “I was protecting my sister from some stupid bitch boy bully”.

He raises his eyebrows at her, and asks “A junior high school bully did that to you?”. 

She nods, and tells the cop “Yes, he was some stupid typical bully. Picking on my small sister, and I fucked him up because he deserved it. Kate doesn’t deserve the treatment she gets from some of the kids at school”. 

Back to the youngest sister. 

“Your mother has never hit you?” the cop asks, “Ever abandoned you?”. 

She shakes her head, “No”.

“What are the wounds on your arms?” she asks. 

Knowing she can’t tell the truth because the wounds she and her sister have are from a vampire attack. They were ambushed, they were able to fight them off but were left bruised and wounded afterwards. 

“They-they were from a bully” she tells the female cop, “From school”. 

Back to the elder sister.

“Are you afraid of losing your family?” he asks Paige, “Afraid you’ll be torn away from them?”.

She looks him in the eye, not even blinking and says, “The only thing I’m afraid of is dying alone. Unloved, and unwanted”. 

_________

At the end of her rope, Mandy doesn’t know what to do anymore. She doesn’t want to sit back, and watch Joseph hurt innocent people anymore. 

She knows she has to do something about this. She goes for a drive through the Whitetails to clear her mind. She stops at the side of the road, and walks up a grassy hill. Overlooking the mountains. 

Standing towards the edge, letting the cool breeze fly past her. Feeling at peace for once. Also figuring out how she’s gonna get out of this whole mess with the Cult without Chuck’s acknowledgement. 

Her help comes when she hears a pistol cock behind her, and a woman’s voice. 

“Don’t move” she orders her. Mandy puts her hands up. Walking forward with her hands still up with her back to the woman.

“You’re one of them, aren’t you?” she asks, “You a peggie?”. 

“I’m not a peggie” Mandy responds.

The lady scoffs, “Bullshit. I know who you are. You’re “The Mother”, Amanda Campbell”.

Mandy rolls her eyes, “My real name is Mandeline Winchester, and I’m an undercover FBI agent”. 

The lady scoffs back, “Yeah sure, anything to get your ass out of trouble huh?”. 

She hits Mandy in the back of her head with her pistol, knocking her out. She takes her inside a bunker and ties her up to a chair with a sack over her head. 

She wakes up an hour later, tied up. She can hear the faint voices of two people, a man and a woman. Sounding like they’re having some sort of disagreement. 

With the sack still over her head, she tries to pry herself out of her restraints. Then the door opens. 

“It’s useless to do that” she tells Mandy. 

“What do you want?!” she asks her. 

“I could tell you the fucking same thing” she responds, “Where are you lurking around the Wolf’s Den?!”. 

The door opens again and she hears a man’s voice, “Tammy what are you doing?!” he asks.

“Damn it Eli I’m in the middle of an interrogation!” she tells him.

He scoffs and asks Mandy, “Who are you? Why are you lurking around our bunker?!?”. 

She sighs, “I told you already. I didn’t know there was a bunker here, I was just wandering around, clearing my head”. 

“You’re with the Cult? Aren’t ya?” Eli asks. 

She sighs again, “Yes I’m with the Cult, but I’m trying to get out. I don't know if you heard or not, but I’m The Mother. I’m trying to get out but my boss is telling me to stay with Joseph”. 

“Your boss?!?” Tammy questions her. 

“I told you. I’m an undercover agent and I’m trying to get out of the Cult” she further explains to them, “I was hired as a double agent to bring them all down”. 

Eli removes the sack off her head, “What kind of agent?”. 

“FBI, I have my badge in my truck” she tells them. 

Tammy and Eli look over at each other, “Where’s your truck?” he asks, turning back to Mandy. 

“It’s parked down by the road at the end of the hill” she tells them. 

Eli goes to open the door, “Try not to kill her” he tells Tammy before closing the door and leaving. 

An hour later, Eli returns with Mandy’s stuff, he enters the same room as before.

“Well turns out she is an FBI agent” he tells Tammy as he walks into the room. He hands her the badge. 

“Special Agent Mandeline W. Campbell” she says as she reads the fake, but also very realistic looking FBI badge that she had made from Keekos with the help of her two nephews. 

“The W means Winchester. I have two last names, my maiden and by a past marriage” she tells them. 

Eli goes to untie her, “What are you doing?!?!” Tammy asks, getting irritated. 

“This proves we can trust her” he tells her as he unties Mandy. 

“Are fucking serious?!?” she protests, “She could be a fraud?!?”.

“If you wanna call my boss, her number is on the back of my badge” she tells them.

Mandy grabs her phone from her bag and calls her “boss” who is actually her younger sister Marie. Since they have different phone numbers for different reasons. 

Putting it on speaker phone, it rings a couple times, and she hears her little sister’s voice. 

“Director Irwin” she answers. 

Mandy clears her voice, “Hey boss, I’m calling to check in”. 

Marie plays along with her sister's skeem, “Agent Campbell, how’s the investigation with the Seed mission?”. 

“It’s going great, I have enough information to put on file to charge the whole family but I still have a lot to do before completing the mission” she tells her “boss”. 

“Okay good. We still need everything. All counts, document everything. Every little thing, Joseph and his family do. So we can send in the national guard after them and put them all away” she replies. 

“I will do that, and I’ll get back to you once I have everything” she tells her “boss” and hangs up. Showing Tammy that she is 100% legit.

“I told you, I’m not a fraud. That was my boss, Head FBI Director Diana Irwin of Phoenix” she tells them,”I was sent to be a part of the Cult to get dirt on them and have them all sent away”. 

Eli shrugs, “Well you don’t need to convince me”. 

Tammy groans, rolling her eyes, “Okay fine, I guess you’re not a fraud” and she leaves the room. 

Eli shows Mandy around the Wolf’s Den, and meets a young Native boy.

“And this is Wheaty” he introduces her to the young boy who is looking through a milk crate of vinyl albums, and looks around 12-14 years old. About the same age as her youngest daughter Kate. 

“Hi Wheaty, I’m Mandy” she introduces herself. 

“Hi” he mutters, giving her a soft smile. 

“She’s gonna help us with the Cult” Eli tells the young boy, “Put an end to them”

“I’m an FBI agent” she tells him, “I’m working undercover, well more like a double agent”. 

His eyes light up, filling with hope. “See” Mandy shows him her badge. They leave him be, letting him look through the crate of vinyls records.

“Where are his parents?” she asks Eli. He sighs, “They were killed by the Cult, I was close friends with his parents, and I took him in after they were killed”. 

“Wow, that’s sad to hear” she mutters, looking over at the young boy “I lost custody of my daughters several months ago. He looks like he could be around the same age as my youngest daughter. My husband died in a house fire 13 years ago”. 

“I’m sorry to hear about that” he tells her. 

“How long ago did they kill his parents?” she asks him. 

Eli thinks for a few moments, “A few years ago. He was lucky to get away, before they got him”. 

*******

A few hours later, Mandy returns to Joseph’s region and goes about “her job” and get “more dirt” on the family. Fearing that Chuck might have seen, heard everything, and is now working with the Whitetail Militia. 

Mandy goes inside hers and Joseph's shared home, and calls Barbara asking if she can find anything that’ll help her stay off of celestial radar, and that includes God as well. 

After a few hours, Barb calls her back with some good news, and she found something that’ll help her. 

“Hey Barb so what did you find?” she asks her friend over the phone. 

“It’s a spell, but it’s a very difficult one and you’re gonna need help with it” Barbara tells her. Mandy sighs, “That’s fine, I can get help with it. What’s the spell?”. 

She sighs, “Like I said it's complicated. It’s an old invisibility spell. Invocation of Invisibility is the name, it must be said in Enochian”. 

“Okay that’s fine what are the verses?” Mandy asks. 

“The ritual is Uranun Caripe Baglen Olgemeganza de-Noan Chiis Gosaa Zamicmage Oleol Ag-Sapah arphe, Oresa ethamz taa, Tabegisoroch, Zodinu, Ar zurah paremu. Zodimibe papnorge maninua zonac. Dodsih hoxmarch trian amonons pare Das Niis kures. I’ll send you the words in a few minutes” Barbara tells her the ritual in Enochian. 

“Okay thanks a lot Barb” she thanks her. 

“No problem, I’ll send you the verses for the ritual in a bit” she tells her and hangs up. 

 gets a visit from Raphael shortly after her call with Barbara, but he was in a different vessel instead of his usual male vessel. 

“Mandy” he says, in a different voice. She turns around and sees a woman in a power suit. 

“Raphael?!” she questions her. Unsure if this is her Archangel or another one of Heaven’s warriors. She slowly approaches her, “Yes, I had to change vessels” the Archangel explains to her. 

“Umm that’s fine. I guess” she stammers, “Where have you been?”. 

Raphael sighs, “Heaven, other than your work here. Chuck has been creating other universes”.

“Other universes? For what?” she questions her. 

Shrugging, “I don’t know. He doesn’t tell us much about his work”. 

“Well I have some good news” she tells him/her, “I got a spell that can help keep me off of Chuck’s and other celestials radar”.

The look of relief on the 3rd Archangel’s face, “What’s the spell?”. 

“Invocation of Invisibility” she tells him/her, “It’s said in Enochian, and I’m pretty sure Dawana can help me with it”. 

He/she sighs, “Okay good because I know it keeps getting worse and worse for you down here. I know what happened to you with the Militia”.

Her eyes widened, “You-you saw all of that?!?”.

He/she nods, “Yes, good thing Chuck is too focused on creating new universes because he would’ve ended everything with you. Killing you and casting me out of Heaven’. 

Mandy lets out a relieved sigh, “Okay, okay good. If it stays that way then I can get myself out of this without Chuck finding out a thing”. 

Raphael nods, “Good, I’ll go back to Heaven and I’ll be sure to keep a close eye on everything down here”. 

He/she disappears and goes back up to Cloud City. Mandy contacts Dawana asking her for help with the Invisibility spell. 

The Voodoo Priestess agrees to go through with the spell, but she tells her it has to be done on a New Moon at 3am. It'll help with being hidden from the man upstairs and his angels. 

The next New Moon will be within 1 month to that day. Until then Mandy must go through her usual route of being The Mother. Staying close to Joseph as his bride, until the New Moon arrives. 

________

6:00am, the next morning Mandy wakes up with Joseph’s arm around her. 

Brushing her hair away from her face, gently kissing the nape of her neck and shoulder. 

Whispering sweet nothings into her ear. “You’re beautiful, my light, my bride”. 

Entwining their hands together, his normal size hands covering her small hands. He plants a kiss on her lips, turning her to face him in bed. 

“I love you, my love” he whispers, moving her hair behind her ear. 

“I love you too” she tells him, and gives him a kiss on the lips. Spending the next hour in bed, holding each other. Being like a usual married couple, but with this case their “marriage” is not 100% legit. 

[snarkwrites]

-- about my writing --

I’m currently taking requests / asks for headcanons [ can be either NSFW or just in general or a specific idea ] or fluff/filth Alphabet letters. These are the only requests I plan on taking. If you send me prompts / one shot ideas.. I won’t do them, sorry.

To see what the questions are for the fluff / filth alphabet, see [this post]

[ To my thots anon whomst I love with every cell in my body... Your thots are all going to fall under NSFW headcanons so please.. By all means.. Feel free to send me all the thots you want because I really really really really really enjoy writing them!!! Also, you can find the thots you’ve sent me on my nsfw masterlist, they’re not going anywhere. They were so good I had to add them to a masterlist somehow, I couldn’t resist. At everyone else out there, the same applies to you guys.]

So.. Here’s the thing.. I’ve decided that I’m going to be taking 3 kinds of requests. Those are as follows: Headcanons { filthy, fluffy or themed specifically at your choosing }, fluffy alphabet and filthy alphabet letters. These are the only kinds of request I answer so don’t send me prompts / one shot requests or ideas unless I specifically say otherwise.

Bearing the above in mind, I have some guidelines.

I’m only accepting headcanons (nsfw / fluff / specific theme &/or reader), fluffy or filthy alphabet letters. If you send me one shot ideas or prompts, I’m going to delete them because I don’t do one-shots.

One character per ask. I don’t care how many asks you send. But I ask that you only send one character per ask because that makes things a lot more simple for me.

You can send up to 4 letters in each ask if you’re asking for either version of the alphabet. Be sure to let me know whether you want filth or fluff or a mix of both. IE, you could send me something like this; character name - a, b {filth} & j v {fluff}. I’m not saying your ask has to look exactly like this but it does need to clearly state which version you’re asking for. The format I just did above was just the easiest way that came to mind for me.

The more precise you are with the headcanon requests you send, the better I can tailor them to you. If you just want an overall NSFW headcanon or overall fluff, that’s totally fine. But if you want a specific scenario ( friends to lovers, date night, weddings, the sky is the limit here) you need to tell me that. The same goes for if you want a specific reader (POC, plus size, sick, shy, virgin, imprint, etc) then I need to know that. It’s like I said.. The more specifics you give me, that’s more I have to work from.

As far as headcanons go, the things I won’t write are rape, incest / huge age gaps between reader / character. I’ll only write abuse if someone is getting their just desserts at the hands of character on readers behalf. Any asks containing rape / incest / huge age gaps are going to be deleted.

All asks must come to my inbox. I don’t take requests through DM or in comments on a post. If it helps, my anon is on, so you can request to your hearts content.

If the ask box is closed, this means I’m currently not taking headcanon or fluff/filth alphabet requests. This will also be noted on my blog bio and possibly a post stating why/for how long. Anything sent in after the ask box is closed will either be gotten to the next go around or it’ll be deleted, depending on the situation.

First of all... My content is meant strictly for adults. I do write some things that people underage can safely  read, but that is not always the case. I realize that I can’t stop minors from reading my work, but I can tell you outright that I’d rather you skip over it if you’re underage and it clearly states that it’s not written for anyone underage. Again.. I can’t do anything to stop minors from reading my NSFW content beyond just choosing never to post writing on the internet. And I don’t plan on stopping, so.. yeah.

I put warnings on everything. Reading those will definitely save you time and upset. If you keep reading something I’ve written and it upsets you in any way, I’m sorry but I can’t help. I warned you. You chose to take the risk -and most likely, you chose to skip the warning I gave before the post even started... It’s strictly on you now. It’s out of my hands. Any complaints or things of that nature are gonna be laughed at and deleted out of my inbox because I’m not here to argue or censor myself. I’m not your parents, just a peer. If you as a minor choose to look at me, an adult adjacent person, as an authority figure of any sort... First of all, why? Ya’ll.. no.. please don’t. I’m a hot mess, okay? To look at me like any trust worthy authority figure is... A huge error on your own part. Secondly, please don’t. I’m here to enjoy my favorite fandoms / post content for them. I’m not here to please people / censor myself and my content to make everyone else happy... Let me repeat. I put warnings on everything I post. If you keep reading and you read something you’re not supposed to this is now solely your own problem. Sorry, I guess?

I’ve seen other adults saying that they block minors on here. While I’m not gonna do that.. I will not tag minors in my NSFW content knowingly. If I find out you’re a minor and I’m posting something NSFW for a fandom you’ve asked to be tagged in, I will not be tagging you. Sorry. As much as I say I’m not here to parent you and I’m just your peer and you need to think of me like that instead, I’m also not willing to risk anything, either. I’m truly sorry in advance.

While I’m talking about tagging people / my taglist...If you want me to tag you in my writing, you need to be on my taglist. The taglist can be found [ here ] or you can dm / send an ask telling me you want to be added and I will be more than happy to do so. Don’t be afraid to ask me. I don’t mind at all! 

Every now and then, I’ll tag my friends in things I write. If I tag you in something and you don’t want me to, let me know. I won’t do it anymore. I’m not here to overwhelm or annoy anyone and I don’t want to come off as pushy, either. SO.. if you’re getting tagged or whatever and you want me to stop tagging you, all you have to do is let me know.

If you’re not on my tag list (or I don’t know you well enough to know whether you’d potentially want to read something) I will not be tagging you. If you’re a minor and I know for sure/think  you are and it’s smut, I will definitely not be tagging you.

Content I’m not willing to write or  you probably won’t find here: Incest and Rape. Those are my hard no’s. Just the thought of writing something like that makes me feel gross. I’m also not going to be writing huge age gaps in romantic stories either. (the closest I’ll come is like.. 18/19 and up to 24...) I mean absolutely no offense against people who can and do write things like this, I just can’t? 

American Horror Story; tate langdon, ben harmon, kit walker, kyle, dandy mott, jimmy darling, james patrick march, michael langdon, xavier plympton and night stalker.

Arrowverse; oliver queen, john diggle, slade wilson/deathstsroke, barry allen, cisco ramon, ray palmer, mick rory.

Bands / Celebrities; ask before sending because I haven’t done many of these and I’m still adjusting… Off the top of my head I’ve written for / feel comfortable with Nick Groff (ghost adventures), Jon Bernthal.. There are lots of others but alas, I’d stretch this out so badly if I added too many more names.

Boondock Saints movie; Connor Macmanus Murphy Macmanus & Rocco.

Breakfast Club movie; John Bender.

Castle Rock tv series; Dennis Zalewski, The Kid.

Criminal Minds; Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid, Hotch, Tobias Hankel & Adam/Amanda.

Crybaby Movie; wade walker.

CSI tv series; Greg Sanders, Nick Stokes, Warrick Brown, Gil Grissom, Tim Speedle, Ryan Wolfe, Eric Delko, Danny Messer, Don Flack, Mack Taylor.

Dazed & Confused movie; Randal Pink Floyd, Mike Newhouse, Ron Slater, Fred O’Bannion and Kevin Pickford.

DC Cinematic; Digger Harkness.

Detroit Rock City movie; Tripp, Lex, Hawk and Jam.

Fast & The Furious series; Dom Toretto, Han.

Four Brothers movie; Angel, Jack or Bobby Mercer

Friday Night Lights tv series; Tim Riggins, ,Matt Saracen, Landry Clarke, Bobby Riggins, Vince.

General Hospital tv series; Sonny Corinthos, Jason Morgan, Johnny Zacarra, Dante Falconeri, several other of the guys on here…

Ghostbusters 80′s version movie; Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler , Peter Venkman, Winston Zeddemore.

Gotham tv series; Jerome Valeska, Jim Gordon, Joker, Riddler.

Harry Potter movies; Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Neville Longbottom.

Horror movies various; Billy Loomis/Scream, Charlie Walker/Scre4m, Wade/ House of Wax, Tom Hanninger/My Bloody Valentine + others. Trust me, there are... So many others. I just didn’t have the brain power to think of them all at the moment.

Law & Order tv series; Barba, Carisi, Stabler.

Lucifer tv series; Lucifer Morningstar.

Luke Cage; Luke Cage, Shades Alvarez.

Marvel Cinematic; Bruce Banner/hulk, Captain america/steve rogers, bucky barnes/winter soldier, eric killmonger, hawkeye/clintbarton, thor, loki, pietro maximoff, venom/eddie brock, starlord/peter quill, ironman/tony stark, wolverine.. I’m a marvel ho.

Mayans MC tv series; Angel Reyes and Ez Reyes.

NCIS tv series; Anthony Dinozzo, Timothy McGee, Marty Deeks, Greg Callen.

On My Block tv series; Spooky Diaz.

Punisher tv series; Billy Russo, Frank Castle.

Riverdale tv series; Jughead Jones, FP Jones, Reggie Mantle, Sweetpea, Archie Andrews.

Shameless tv series; Lip Gallagher.

Sons of Anarchy tv series; Jax Teller, Chibs Telford, Clay Morrow, Juice Ortiz, Opie Winston.

Stranger Things tv series; Jonathan Byers, Billy Hargrove, Steve Harrington, Jim Hopper.

Star Wars movie series; Han Solo, Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, Poe Dameron, Finn.

Supernatural tv series; Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Crowley, Benny Lafitte, Kevin Tran.

Teen Wolf tv series; Stiles Stilinski, Scott McCall, Derek Hale.

The Crow movie series; Eric Draven and Jimmy Quervo/Wicked Prayer.

The Lost Boys movie series; Edgar Frog, Allen Frog, David, Michael Emmerson, Sam Emmerson.

The Outsiders book/movie; Two Bit Matthews, Dally Winston, Darry Curtis, Soda Pop Curtis, Johnny Cade, Steve Randle.

The Walking Dead tv series; Daryl Dixon, Shane walsh, Rick Grimes, Negan, Glenn Rhee.

The Vampire Diaries tv series; Klaus Mikaelson, Kai Parker, Kol Mikaelson, Jeremy Gilbert, Damon Salvatore.

Twelve Rounds 3 movie; Detective John Shaw.

Twilight movies/books; Jasper Hale, Emmett Cullen, Jacob Black, Paul Lahote, Embry Call.

I’m gonna be honest here. I post on my own time, at my own pace. Some days I post constantly, sometimes it’s days or even weeks, and occasionally, a month before I post anything. So.. Now ya know.

If I’m not on and posting, odds are I’m busy, taking a break or whatever. But I’ll come back! I always do. 

Basically, what I’m saying here is I have no set posting schedule. At all. I post what I want when I’m in the mood to do so. Just something to keep in mind when you’re asking for headcanons / nsfw alphabet letters with characters.

[wordofrecall]

character playlists: ori

so. let’s do this. my playlists are long and scattered, but they make me happy, so i might as well share them and the thoughts behind song choices. so. here’s some songs for runaway knights & wannabe witches, and what have you.

something holy - childhood & riches & wonders

pearl diver - mitski - oh hunter, if you didn’t want the beautiful so badly, perhaps you would’ve found it in your spirit singing softly - look. it's on the nose, considering that her title is "the pearl hunter," but also, like, that rules. this is a song for wren, i think; ori in the present reflecting on her mother and the similarities between them.

icicles - the scary jokes - i can only be forgiven if i’m giving myself up to you on a silver serving tray / must i bare myself to the stabbing of your knife & gnashing teeth while our lovely company appears so entertained? - aaand a song for childhood. 99% of ori's socialization came from her parents having important guests over, so. uh. yeah. show off your reclusive child prodigy like a pageant whenever you have the opportunity. she probably won't grow to loathe you.

life: the cruel interlude (on god) - kilo kish - why do i dare believe in me when i bleed? - questioning was. always a big thing for ori. i don't think she ever believed that the mirzha was god, and i known that she never truster her father's patron, but. in her studies, in her passions, there's always this tiny sense of desperation for something to have faith in something. not herself.

bluejays & cardinals - the mountain goats - the stars come out of hiding for you, & i would too - there is. a lot, in ori's relationship with her brother. she was the favorite child, yeah, the one destined for great things in spite of her... troubles. but he never had those troubles! she didn't, doesn't understand how he went through life so unafraid. there's envy there. i also think that the line i quoted is terribly true, like, canonically. because. she sure did do that stupid shit.

be calm - fun. - take it from me, i’ve been there a thousand times--you hate your pulse because it thinks you’re still alive! - sometimes you have intense social phobia. and that's okay!

country death song - violent femmes - kiss your mother goodnight & remember that God saves, kiss your mother goodnight & remember that God saves - i think andrei is a much less pitiable or even sympathetic man than the narrator of this song, but. like. it's a country song about a father killing his daughter while preaching godliness. i had to.

i’m all bloody inside - liam lynch - inside me, well, it’s dark & gross as hell, i’m not a pretty sight - the family business!

the hazards of love 3 (revenge!) - the decemberists - but father, don’t you fear, your children are all here - fantasies. part of the fantasy is imagining a world where she doesn't feel terrible about the thought.

shankill butchers - sarah jarosz - they used to be just like me & you, they used to be sweet little boys - "blood hunters are ghost stories." "and also, they're fucking terrible. violent, cruel, zealous. the worst."

sparrow - st. vincent - & no eyes are on the sparrow, eyes are on the sparrow, how could that be the case? the lark keeps whistling his number, silly little number, as if he isn't prey - pity for the boy. sort of retrospective, but it's a thought that's been there since she was a child.

something burning - rituals & fire & running

starchild - ghost quartet - but i will transcend & vomit this loser out of me; i will become the next big thing, i will light myself on fire - maybe she is some kind of angel? bursting with radiance and terrifying to look upon.

arsonist’s lullabye - hozier - don’t you ever tame your demons, always keep them on a leash / when i was sixteen, my senses fooled me - oooor maybe she is a sixteen year-old who is having a panic attack and setting everything in sight on fire by accident.

blood - my chemical romance - i’m the kind of human wreckage that you love! - so she's broken.

girl anachronism - the dresden dolls - it’s not the way i’m meant to be, it’s just the way the operation made me - so she's failed and she's broken and she's sick, and there's no time to fucking think.

when the chips are down - anais mitchell - cast your eyes to heaven, you’ll get a knife in the back. - so she does what her mother did before her, and she runs from that which she has always known.

body terror song - ajj - i’m so sorry that you have to have a body / one that will hurt you, & be the subject of so much of your fear - feelings on being built Wrong; feelings on your mind's undue control upon your body.

in corolla - the mountain goats - & no one was gonna come & get me, there wasn't anybody gonna know, even though i leave a trail of burnt things in my wake every single place i go - very good as an ori song in general but this is her justification to herself in the water. under the docks, she says this to herself.

the harrowed & the haunted - the decemberists - will i be so brave? - just to get that oceanic vibe up.

luna - the mountain goats - rise through the flames & end again in flames at last - an inexplicable feeling.

unwhere - reeder - a song for leaving what you've always known.

something lonely - years & woods & dreaming

runs in the family - amanda palmer - run from their pity, from responsibility, run from the country & run from the city, i can run from the law, i can run from myself, i can run for my life, i can run into debt, i can run from it all, i can run 'till I'm gone - she is broken and all she can think to do is get as far away as possible

panic attack - liza anne - i hate that i can be seen like this

black eyes - david wirsig - my hammering heart hears the voices of spirits that tempt us, the scorn that they’ve spoken

for the departed - shayfer james - they will bury me alive, but i’m not inclined to care; i am too far gone now

hurt - johnny cash - everyone i know goes away in the end; you can have it all, my empire of dirt

my body’s made of crushed little stars - mitski - i work better under a deadline! i work better under a deadline!

blood in the cut - k. flay - guess i’m contagious; it’d be safest if you ran--fuck, that’s what they all just end up doing in the end

little pistol - mother mother - i think i might be scared of the world & the way it makes you feel afraid & how it gets in the way

villains pt. 1 - emma blackery - built to create, designed to destroy

the beer - kimya dawson - & the christians gave me comic books as if i would be scared of burning in hell while i was already there [...] i tried to scream fuck you but blood was pouring out my mouth

something safe - family & finding it & fighting together

haunted house - sir babygirl - i’m running just to hide & i’m hiding just to breathe & around every corner is the same night on repeat

your heart is a muscle the size of your fist - ramshackle glory - i love you & you make me glad to be alive; i promise that i’m gonna pay you back / you always know how funny everything is, even when i’m so serious that it’s gonna be the death of me

medicines - the taxpayers - o, but our rotting corpses lying there soon began to leak & grow these lesions that all smelled just like a rose / & all the blood & guts inside us germinated into timeless pages stained with lines of lovely prose

autoclave - the mountain goats - i am this great unstable mass of blood & foam

alligator skin boots - mccafferty - i’m cool to the touch, leap to my death, i’ll die for you all, i’ll die for my friends, it goes like this

100 years - florence + the machine - lord, don’t let me break this, let me hold it lightly, give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly

tomorrow will be kinder - the secret sisters - but i feel warmth on my skin, the stars have all aligned

armour - rae spoon - you know i placed was to build a life for you

amy aka spent gladiator 1 - the mountain goats - play with matches if you think you need to play with matches; seek out the hidden places where the fire burns hot & bright / find where the heat’s unbearable & stay there if you have to--don’t hurt anybody on your way up to the light, and stay alive

curses - the crane wives - won’t you stay with me, my darling, when my walls start burning down?

something daring - islands & visions & loss

jane’s dream - janelle monáe

beekeeper - keaton henson - hear me, o woman that has gone astray, gone astray

fire - kimya dawson - i’m reading books about how they’re corrupt [...] as long as i’m burning, i’ll keep on yearning to save the world, not sure how, but i’m learning

cosmic hero - car seat headrest - i love you, but i can’t stand the touch, & of course i’m alright with death

turn the lights off - tally hall - everbody likes to get taken for turns to see how bright the fire inside of us burns [...] should be stronger, books abandoned

eat you alive - the oh hellos - child, i’m afraid for your soul; these things that you’re after, they can’t be controlled

cry for judas - the mountain goats - hallucinate a shady grove where judas went to die

o death - monica martin - no wealth, no land, no silver, no gold, nothing satisfies me but your soul

blood of angels - brown bird - and i would wage my soul to bet that there ain’t no one throwing lightning anyhow

the universe is going to catch you - the antlers - the arms of the universe kept you from falling [...] those arms did not come back

a burning hill - mitski - i am the fire & i am the forest & i am the witness watching it / i stand in the valley watching it

something terrifying - conversations & selfhood & divination

the lamb - dessa - but blood is blood, & what’s done is done; blood is blood, & its burden is a beast

going invisible 2 - the mountain goats - i’m gonna burn it all down today & sweep all the ashes away

the lion’s roar - first aid kit - she plays a tune for those who wish to overlook the fact that they’ve been blindly deceived by those who preach & pray & teach, but she falls short & the night explodes in laughter

the villain i appear to be - connor spiotto - even if you can’t see the good inside me, i don’t have the time to tell you why i do the things that i do, just please hold on & soon you’ll seem

up the wolves - the mountain goats - there’s bound to be a ghost at the back of closet, no matter where you live; there’ll be a few things, maybe several things that you’re gonna find really difficult to forgive

thursday girl - mitski - glory, glory, glory to the night that shows me what i am

at the bottom of everything - bright eyes - we must take all of the medicines to expensive now to sel; set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell

everybody does - julien baker - i know i’m a pile of filthy wreckage you will wish you’d never touched, but you’re gonna run when you find out who i am

tongues & teeth - the crane wives - i know that you mean so well, but i am not a vessel for your good intent 

a pearl - mitski - you’re growing tired of me and all the things i don’t talk about / sorry, i don’t want your touch--it’s not that i don’t want you

[girlpetrarca]

Thank you @ivory--and--gold for the tag✨

1. what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

Olli is great, but Oli and Ozzie are cool too

2. when is your birthday?

4th of October

3. where do you live?

Italy

4. three things you are doing right now?

I'm currently making coffee, I'm waiting for my stepdad to send me pictures of the new cat and I'm thinking about Venus in Fur (the 2011 version with Hugh Dancy)

I've seen it twice in two days, I seriously can't stop thinking about it (@fieropasto I know we've never talked before but god your content is amazing)

5. four fandoms that have piqued your interest?

Ouf... At the moment I'd say Pacific Rim (gay scientists!) and Hannibal

6. how has the pandemic been treating you?

next question? I'm kidding of course

I miss people, I miss my friends, I miss the city. I'm a very physical person and the fact that I can't hug a friend or hold hands or braid their hair or rest my head on someone's shoulder is... tiring to say the least

It should have been the year of my new beginning, the year when I'd finally take control of my life, but frankly, control is slipping away from me

I am thinking about actually looking for a therapist tho (because gender) and I am slowly starting not to hate my sister?Maybe?? I don't know

7. a song you can’t stop listening to right now?

Runs in the Family by Amanda Palmer and Ho Visto Un Re by Enzo Jannacci

8. recommend a movie?

Pacific Rim obviously (I've never watched Uprising and I don't think I'll ever want to)

9. how old are you?

I'm 19

10. school, university, occupation, other?

I'm on my first year of university, I'm studying lettere classiche (I guess people could call it ancient literature? But there's also history and other very cool subjects)

11. do you prefer heat or cold?

Definitely cold, you can always use one more blanket, or add another layer if you're really freezing. Also I have a big problem with summer clothes so yeah definitely cold

When I was a kid I was always lending my jacket to my friends because they were always cold, and my grandmother keep saying that I didn't need my jacket because my blood boils

12. name one fact others may not know about you

I have a complex relation with food, and I cannot stand waste. My grandpa used to say that my ancestors suffered from a great hunger and that they gave this hunger to me. I don't really know how to react to this information

13. are you shy?

I guess you could say I'm shy

14. pronouns

they/them or he/him

15. biggest pet peeves

People who waste food, or things in general

People who believe their argument is right only because they are calm and collected (I'm usually not calm nor collected when I'm arguing about stuff I really care about and this is usually interpreted as "your point of view is wrong because you're crying")

Black humor that is not really black humor

16. what is your favorite “-dere” type?

??? I have literally no idea of what this is

17. rate your life from 1 to 10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be

I guess 6,5/7

I just had my cup of coffee, life is smiling on me

18. what’s your main blog?

This one!

19. list your side blogs and what they’re used for

This is my only blog, I'm afraid I'd spend too much time on Tumblr if I had more than one blog

20. is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

I still can't always understand if a person is being sarcastic or if they're telling me the truth and this can lead to awkward moments

Also I love talking to new people but eh, I don't really know how to keep a conversation going, and I usually say random things because my mind thinks silence is a sign the other person doesn't care about me✌️

I tag @c0smicbean, @artvmvs, @dame-de-challant, @mydadsoldrecordcollection and @voidnatasha

[andiandyandee]

Runs In the Family

Look, the title is an Amanda Palmer song because my wife was listening to it and it worked, so whatever. 

Also I wrote this instead of writing the Next chapter of We Are Going to Be Friends, deal with it.

You’ll probably need to have read some of the AU to know what’s going on here tbh.

Words: 2206

Virgil is sick of looking like Logan. (That’s it that’s the summary.)

Here’s  the first part of We Are Going to Be Friends  and Here’s the whole series on Ao3

Tag List: @datfearlessfangirl @princemesscharming @illogicalthinking @holliberries

Okay here’s the Fic:

    After another conversation with another store clerk who asked if he was related to the Starrs, Virgil was officially sick of this town, and so he was currently working through his annoyance in the best way he knew, by punching things.

    “I. Am. So. Goddamn. Sick. Of. Looking. Like. Papa.” Virgil grunted as he swung at Patton. Or more specifically, at the boxing pads Patton had on his hands. The younger of the two laughed a little and his brother’s pout.

    “Why? Papa isn’t like, ugly or anything. And guys and girls alike would kill for the chance to ‘gaze into those icy blue eyes’” Patton mimicked one of the girls who had recently asked Virgil out. “What’s the problem with looking like him?”

    “Every teacher expects me to be Just.” Punch. “Like.” Punch. “Him.” The last swing missed the target pad, only narrowly missing Patton’s face. “Jesus, sorry Pat.”

    “It’s alright! Maybe let’s take a break from this though, you can use the punching bag, I’m gonna do some yoga I think.” Virgil perked up at that.

    “Oh, actually would you mind if I did your routine with you? I really need to work on my flexibility, and I could definitely use some relaxation” Patton nodded, pulling out a second mat and block from the cupboard. Having a home gym was certainly something they both appreciated. The only one who didn’t use it was Dad, who preferred running outside to working out in the basement, so they had a pretty decent array of workout equipment. “I just get frustrated when everyone sees me and their first thought is ‘Oh god Logan reproduced’. I love Papa, I just wish I didn’t have his face. I can’t believe they decided to stay in this stupid town anyway.” They both started in a sitting position, going through some basic stretches.

    “I mean, you two look similar, but I don’t really think you look as much alike as people think. You just look close enough that they’ve convinced themselves that’s what Papa looked like too.” They were kneeling in child’s pose now, and Virgil was already struggling.

    “God how do you do this every day, my back already hurts.” They moved back into a sitting position, in the pigeon pose. “This is so much worse. ” Patton giggled. “Listen, even if we didn’t have the same face, which we do, by the way, It’s still frustrating to have people say ‘you look just like your father’ every day. I wish people would say I looked like literally anyone else at this point.” Patton rolled his eyes and moved down into a head-to-knee bend, which had Virgil whining, only halfway down.

    “How are you so inflexible? I swear me and Papa do this with no issues. I’ve even had Dad in that position without much complaint.” Virgil Flipped Patton off, sitting back up and crossing his legs into a Lotus Pose. “I mean you’re going to college out of state, aren’t you? You’re going somewhere - No Virgil, you don’t cross your legs in Marichi’s Pose, just tuck it in, yeah there you go- you’re going somewhere they won’t even know Papa. You’ll have tons of people who won’t think you look like anyone!” Patton had twisted around into a revolved head-to-knee pose that made Virgil nauseous just to see. That’s not how spines worked .

    “I don’t think that’s any better, honestly. I hate being alone, I just don’t always want to be ‘Logan Starr’s Kid’, You know?” They were kneeling again, both in a hero pose, Patton half leaned back easily, Virgil shaking as he leaned back only half as far as his brother.

    “Yeah, I mean I get it, I guess. I mean I don’t really look like Papa or my Surrogate save for her eyes and this mop of hair, so I’ve never actually been recognized as their kids, so I don’t really understand, but people make assumptions on the last name, you know? Mostly because of Grandpa, but Dad too.” Patton giggled as Virgil switched to a camel pose, unable to hold himself up or lower himself completely down to the reclining hero. “You have so little core strength for someone who enjoys punching as much as you do.” Virgil again flipped him off, now sweating way more than was really necessary. “Just use your block, I don’t know why you’re so against sticking with the easier poses until you get it figured out, Virge.”

    “Easy poses are for cowards. Can we stand up and do some poses that don’t involve my feet bending like this?” Patton laughed, obliging his brother. They tabled the conversation, mostly because Virgil was too busy groaning to actually talk.

***

    The next morning, which was really more like early afternoon, Patton woke Virgil up with his regular cheerful knocking. “Virge! It’s Saturday! We run on Saturdays!” Virgil groaned, trying to ignore the way his muscles protested moving after the nightmare yoga session.

    “I know exercise is healthy, but I think I’d rather die than move, Pat.” Virgil groaned into his pillow. He heard his Dad laugh loudly at that.

    “Come on, Virge! It’s the one day a week we actually spend together! And I’ll buy you lunch at that diner across town that just opened up!” Virgil was not a fan of running, or being outside, but the teen was nothing if not food motivated.

    “Do you think a cheeseburger and milkshake counts as a balanced breakfast?” Virgil asked, already pulling on a tank top and a pair of running tights, trying his best to brush his hair with his fingers. He pulled the door open, faced with looks of amusement from both his Dad and brother.

    “No. Grab a protein bar, water, and maybe a hairbrush, and meet us outside in like, fifteen minutes for stretching, Panic! At the Everywhere.” Roman chuckled, leaving the hallway with Patton. Virgil did grab a hairbrush, and made his way to the kitchen, only to find his Papa sitting at the island with a cup of coffee and what appeared to be a lukewarm bowl of oatmeal next to him, immersed in a book.

    “Hi, Papa.” Virgil grabbed a kind bar from the basket on the counter, and a water bottle from the cabinet, filling it with tap water.

    “Hello, Virge. Are you all heading out for the afternoon?” Virgil nodded, stealing a drink of Logan’s coffee as he passed.

    “Yeah. You wanna come? We’re going to get lunch after.” Logan wrinkled his nose.

    “You will see the heat death of the universe before you see me jogging outside with your father. I wouldn’t be caught dead in public with that man when he’s on a runner’s high.” Virgil laughed, shrugging and leaving his Papa sitting in the kitchen alone.

***

    The run, as expected, was miserable, and Virgil was sweating and starving by the time they made it to the diner.

    “Jesus, how am I so out of shape compared to you two?” Both Roman and Patton were a bit sweaty, but not even out of breath.

    “Well we run that distance three times a week, and you run it twice a month, so..” Patton joked, walking towards the diner door. “You’re also way stronger than me and Dad though, so I guess you have that going for you.” Roman nodded, holding the door open for his sons. A voice greeted them as they walked through the door, peppy and quite loud.

    “Hi! Welcome to Dot’s Diner! I’m Dot! Y’all can sit anywhe-” The voice cut off, the woman staring at Virgil with a bit of horror and a bit of sadness in her eyes. “Oh, uh, you-you can sit anywhere, boys.” Virgil glanced at Patton and Roman, confused. They both shrugged, sitting down at a booth and shooting glances over at the woman who greeted them.

    “She looks kind of familiar, actually... Maybe she went to school with Me and Logan?” Roman whispered. “I don’t know.” Roman pulled out his phone, texting Logan to ask if he remembered a ‘Dot’ because she definitely recognized Virgil. Logan texted back thirty seconds later, instructing them to stay right where they were. Roman showed the boys the message and shrugged again. “He must know her.” A waitress, not Dot, took their drink orders, dropping off menus. They were all discussing what they wanted when the bell rang again, and Logan came in, looking around. His hair was still a mess, but he was in a pair of blue jeans and a Greenday shirt that had no business being tucked in instead of his pajamas. He spotted Roman, Patton, and Virgil, and waved, but was obviously looking for someone else. When Dot came through the kitchen door, and saw him, they both looked a little tearful.

    “Logan! Oh, it’s so good to see you, I haven’t heard from you in so long,” Dot came around the counter, pulling him into a hug.

    “I’m sorry I didn’t stay in touch, Dot. I lost your number, and the only social media you had hasn’t been updated since-” He cut off, and Dot glanced to Virgil, who was staring at the pair with a look of confusion that was mirrored in Roman and Patton’s gazes.

    “He’s yours, then? It’s too uncanny to have been a coincidence.” Virgil rolled his eyes. Of course, she thought he looked just like Logan, they always did.

    “I know, it’s like looking in a photograph, sometimes. He even has the same color pallet. Black and purple everything.” Logan said conspiratorially. They weren’t that loud, but there were only two other patrons in the diner, so it was easy to hear them talking. Virgil raised an eyebrow at that. He had seen pictures of his papa when he was young and never had he had much of a black and purple pallet. The two walked over to the table, Dot still looking at Virgil with that same sad look.

    “Hi, I’m Dot. I’m a friend of Logan’s. I’m sorry how I reacted earlier, you just look so much like” Virgil went to sigh, but before he could, Dot said something that stopped him in his tracks. “Your Uncle Larry, I thought I was seeing a ghost.” Virgil was dumbfounded.

    “What?” Logan laughed at his son’s face.

    “I guess we’ve never really talked about it, but my older brother, L, shares an astonishing amount of features with you,” Logan explained, pulling out his phone. “Hold on, I bet I can find a photo…” Dot was smiling sadly at him.

    “I was newly engaged to your uncle before he passed.” She swallowed, “I’m sure you get it a lot, but I haven’t seen you boys since you were so young, I wasn’t expecting it.”

    Roman mumbled “Oh!” to himself before smiling at Dot. “It’s been so long, Polka Dot, I hardly recognized you!” She smiled at him.

    “If it makes you feel better, I couldn’t tell if you were you or Remus. The only way I used to be able to tell you apart was the scar, but you both have it now so..” Roman laughed.

    “Remus is quite a bit thinner than I am now, so we don’t actually get mistaken for each other much anymore. I had almost forgotten what it was like!”  

    “Ah Hah!” Logan held out his phone for Virgil to see. Staring back at him was... Well, him. This teenager, probably around 17, the same age as Virgil, was leaning on who was clearly Dot’s shoulder, a purple and black hoodie and shaggy hair looked eerily similar to Virgil. Logan swiped to another photo, of Logan and Larry standing next to each other in what he assumed were their prom outfits, Logan an easy 6 inches taller than Larry, much like how Logan towered over Virgil. Seeing them next to each other, Virgil realized that while the two looked similar, Virgil looked much more like Larry. They had the same nose, slightly shorter faces, less defined cheekbones.

    “Holy shit, I have his whole face.” Virgil croaked, glancing up at his Papa. “I thought I looked just like you, but like, that’s like, time travel. If he dyed his hair purple that could literally be me.” Patton and Roman were glancing between the photo and Virgil, looking more and more confused as they did.

    “How have you never mentioned our oldest son is literally your brother?” Roman asked, a little dumbfounded. Logan laughed softly.

    “You know how I feel about talking about him. And I didn’t realize until he was about fifteen, anyway. Remember when he got the tattoo? When we were fighting he did that thing, Dot, you remember, where he just kind of-” They both did the hand gesture, which from an outside perspective looked a lot like a combination of jazz hands and flicking water at someone, and started laughing, and Virgil blushed. He DID do that hand gesture a lot. “and I was like, Oh my god, He’s literally Larry.” They all dissolved into talking about old memories, and Virgil sat there content, leaning on his brother's shoulder. Sometimes, he hated how much he looked like his Papa, but he supposed looking like his uncle wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

[rustbeltjessie]

TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART (a playlist)

[This playlist and accompanying text were made for Witchsong in March 2016. But Witchsong has since gone dark, and 8tracks, where the playlist was hosted, has also gone dark. I still love this playlist/piece, so I decided to post it here in its entirety, and round up links to the songs. (I tried to remake the playlist on Spotify but unfortunately a few of these tunes aren’t available there!)]

Lizzo - En Love

M.I.A. - Fire Fire

Little Esther - I’m A Bad, Bad Girl

The Last Shadow Puppets - Bad Habits

Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

Worriers - Unwritten

Colleen Green - Whatever I Want

The I Don’t Cares - Just A Phase

Thurston Moore - Psychic Hearts

The Kills - Fuck the People

Pixies - The Holiday Song

Dum Dum Girls - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

El Vy - Need A Friend

The Cars - Dangerous Type

The Make*Up - White Belts

The Mo-Dettes - White Mice

Thee Headcoatees - Ça Plane Pour Moi

Huggy Bear - Pansy Twist

Bikini Kill - I Like Fucking

Mika Miko - Sex Jazz

Dresden Dolls - Dirty Business

Screaming Females - Triumph

(+ a bonus track that isn’t on the playlist: Jolie Holland - Springtime Can Kill You)

It is springtime, and springtime can kill you (just like it did poor me). The light is clearer and hangs on longer in the sky each day, the birds are all singing riotous songs in the treetops. A few days ago, it was seventy degrees; I drank iced coffee and resisted the urge to cut the sleeves off all my t-shirts. It is springtime, and I am so damn restless I’m about ready to tear my skin off. I can’t focus on anything. I pick up a book, read a few pages, put it down again. I start a poem, write a few lines, quit. My notebooks are full of Jenny Holzer-esque truisms that I write in all caps. YOU WILL GET SO TIRED OF WEIGHING THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES. SOMETIMES YOU WILL BE READY TO SAY “FUCK IT” AND FOLLOW YR HEART. BE A DRUNKEN SLUT. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

I just want to trust my stupid fucking heart. Or maybe I just want something that makes my stupid heart beat faster.

I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. When I was younger, I usually leapt into things without caring what the result would be. (And now I can’t believe I didn’t put that Shivvers song on this playlist: when I was younger, when I was younger, when I was younger.) I went for what felt good, or even bad, as long as I was feeling something. As long as it made me feel alive. But there were enough adverse consequences that I began to grow afraid. I was often on the verge of eviction, because I did things like spending my rent money on road trips. I hurt people. I disappointed people. Friends and family started telling me that I was wasting my life.

…some might say that you and I have wasted our lives so far. Yes, we have had our hearts broken more than most. (We’ve broken some hearts, too.) We’ve had brushes with the law; and we’ve dealt with pregnancy scares and unemployment and spent many mornings too hungover to even move. But we have also experienced so much poetry, seen so much beauty, received so much love. We have had more fun in our short lives than most people ever get to have; so how could we ever consider it a waste?

-from something I wrote in 2006

Maybe I still want to waste my life, if wasting my life is what it takes to feel alive. To paraphrase Dazed & Confused, a movie I watched over and over when I felt those first reckless, restless stirrings in my teenage body: I need some good old, worthwhile, visceral experience. I want to go out into the wild, twisting night, want to take drugs, get laid, maybe get in a fight. Except I don’t do drugs anymore and I don’t get in fights anymore and no, I won’t spend all my rent money on a road trip. There are certain things I’m not willing to risk, and that’s for the best. But I am tired of worrying about what other people think; tired of not doing what I want to do because it might hurt or disappoint someone in my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, of course not, but it’s my life and it’s springtime and my heart is saying go. I want to fuck. I want to dance. I want to smash it up. I want sudden intense connections with interesting strangers. I want to take long drives in search of coffee and trouble. (Remembering that spring so long ago when I drove the seven hours from Chicago to St. Louis just to get coffee at a Waffle House.) I want to rip my tights, walk along the train tracks, get my boots all covered in good mud. I want, I want, I want. No, I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I am tired of not being myself. And I’m bad news, baby, I’m bad news.

I’m just a traveling girl with a wild mane of wavy red hair, holes in my tights, all my clothes smelling of smoke. I can roll a cigarette while driving down the freeway at eighty miles an hour. I can get drunk as shit and get two hours of sleep and drive from one town to another, then do it all again the next night. I can find my way anywhere. I can get lost anywhere.

-from something I wrote in 2007

I dye my hair red again every spring. No matter what other colors I might dye it the rest of the year, in spring I metamorphose back into a redhead. I was born with red hair but it faded to a drab brown when I hit puberty, some shitty twist of fate, so I became a bottle redhead. Red hair is fiery, brazen, witchy. (Redheads used to be burnt at the stake as witches, because it was believed they had magic powers.) Red is the color of anger and lust, love and rage. The color of blood and lipstick and my stupid, wildly beating heart. Girls like me are meant to have red hair.

It’s springtime, and I’m a wild redheaded girl for life. So take me out tonight. Take me anywhere, I don’t care, I don’t care. Take me to where the rough edges of the night meet the back alleys. Take me to the rooftops and fire escapes of your town. Take me to all-nite diners, where we can get coffee-buzzed and plot to take over the world. Let’s walk around. Let’s drive too fast on backroads. I don’t need your love, I just need a friend.

I still want all the same old dumb shit I’ve always wanted. Spontaneous adventures, crushes, mix tapes. Music I can feel in my guts, in my bones, whether it’s hip-hop or the punk rocks. Sneaky eyes and sleeveless t-shirts. Sex and danger. In the immortal words of Henry Rollins: I want to fuck on the floor and break shit. Yeah, I like fucking. I’m always restless, and next to wandering, sex is one of the few things that eases my restlessness. And I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe. I do, I do, I do.

I’ve lost some friends because I’ve failed to grow up properly. These friends used to be just like me (you fuckers used to be just like me), but they went straight. I don’t mean straight as in heterosexual, I mean straight as in normal. They became capital-G Grown Ups. They got advanced degrees and nine-to-fives and stopped making zines and got their tattoos removed. I’m an adult, too. I have a kid, and a writing career; I pay my bills instead of going on ill-advised road trips, I don’t go on benders or do drugs anymore. But I also haven’t given up crushes or adventure or art or punk; I’m still making zines and giving myself stick ’n’ poke tattoos. I’ve still got that steel-toed spark and that teenage j.d. twitch. Maybe they’re bitter because they thought growing up meant giving all that up.

We can have all of it! We can be mamas and healers and have love and morals and sweetness and good things in our lives, but we don’t have to give up the rest—we can also be wild punk rock goddesses of destruction and fuck and fight and drink and smoke and swear and make mad art, goddamnit!

-from something I wrote in 2013

I should’ve known something was up the last time I saw M.—before she decided she hated me, when I still thought we’d be friends for life—when she said: “I’m over Amanda Palmer. It’s not cute to tell young girls that it’s okay to be fucked-up.” That stunned me, because she was once a fucked-up girl, just like me. She and I used to listen to Dresden Dolls albums and talk about how eerily close to our own lives they were, how it was like AFP had looked into our souls and made songs out of them. But maybe that’s the other thing. It’s not just that M. and the others gave up their former passions. They also regret that they ever lived that way. They regret the days of chronic unemployment and ill-advised road trips, the crazy-mad love affairs, the all-nite diner marathons, the epic meals we made from what we found in dumpsters. And I don’t. No matter how I’ve changed, or how many of those things I don’t want anymore, I could never ever regret those days. They made me who I am, and they gave me so many stories to tell. To all the ones who thought they knew me best, a test to prove your prowess. Who was mine in ’99? I want last names, and current status.

No, I don’t want to wind up on the verge of eviction, or have my electricity shut off. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But it is springtime, and I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. And I’m just a redheaded restless punk rock goddess of destruction for life, and I still want all that shit that makes my stupid, reckless heart beat faster. Loud music, caffeine, adventure, sex. If you’re like me, you’re feeling the same way. So:

WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

Get out, get out of your house.

[whereconfusionisarhyme]

First Reactions To Logan’s Playlist

K first song let’s do this

White and Nerdy-Weird Al Yankovic

Wtf this song was definitely Joan’s idea I mean who else would think of ‘White and Nerdy’ for Logan

Is this like canon he listens to this stuff or like songs about him???

Not Perfect-Tim Minchin

TIM MINCHIN

Bo Burnham better be on Logan's playlist

#deep

Is this about the mindpalace/inside of Thomas’ head??? Cause like???? Ouch???? I think????

Lol nvm it’s not sad lmao

I take back my take back it is sad

So this could be literally “in his mind” or it could be figurative and it’s really messing with my funky flow

Streaks-ANIMA!

Cool instrumental

Love the voice sounds a little like MARINA and Regina Spektor

Oh no I’m two lines in and I can tell it’s gonna be sad

OH NO CONFORMITY RELATED ANGST AHHHHH

Wow Logan is just out here being relatable isn’t he smh 😔👊

"Cause you're a smart kid, but you're still a kid" LOGAN REALLY BE OUT HERE BEING RELATABLE ON MAIN

The Elements-Tom Lehrer

Sounds like what piano class would sound like if I took piano class

Something you would listen to in science class

Bop

Medicine-STRFCKR

A Fever You Can't Sweat Out vibes

Lmao nvm

Gonna go look up the lyrics rn brb

A sad bop

Philosophy cool

Human-Tank And The Bangas

Logan playing this to comfort himself because this singer is the only person who has ever told him this

WHO HURT LOGAN WITH THEIR WORDS

LOGAN THE HEART SKIPPING COMMENT ARE YOU OKAY IM GIVING YOU A HUG

GUYS LOGAN IS TRYING TO CONVINCE HIMSELF THAT HE MATTERS IM NOT OKAY

Last???? Relationship???

Okay I'm not a shipper BUT my theorist analysis obsessed brain is just SCREAMING about Roman and Patton

Observation: Logan is probably atheistic and this song covers God a lot. I don't have a conclusion or anything just pointing that out

This woman do be calming tho like yes I'm beautiful yes I'm special thank you

Okay so I already knew Logan wasn't okay but he 100% isn't okay

Fittet Happier-Radiohead

K two words in and I can tell this is gonna be sad here we go

Employees? Or maybe…other sides?

Minor key ok

SELF HARM ISNT OKAY

"WILL NOT CRY IN PUBLIC" NONONONO

So I heard of a good therapist just downtown-

The Watchtower-The Dø

I paused it cause I need a second after the last one

Guys as someone who dissosiates a lot I think Logan might be dissosiating

Dissosiating to protect himself from his emotions

Y'all just trust me in this one

Coming for the TØP brand I see

K ready to start again here we go

Fire beat I'm vibing with it

Is he trying to distance himself from his emotions to try and perform his tasks better like watching from a Watchtower???

This is the first character I've seen that might dissosiate which only means one thing

I'm gonna be projecting an unholy amount in my fanfiction

"No one in particular" hon who hurt you

City Lights=Emotions (which he considers distractions)??? Maybe??

I'm a William Finn fan come on this isn't my first rodeo

Art Is Dead-Bo Burnham

BO BURNHAM I WAS RIGHT

We all love some good Imposter Syndrome (tm)! :D

This gives Learning New Things About Ourselves' a whole new meaning

Ngl this is the first time I heard the degrading of the piano at the end and I'm here for it

In My Mind-Amanda Palmer

Oop we LOVE setting up impossible expectations for yourself to the point you have a cripplingly horrid self esteem! :D

Logan I've done this before and trust me it isn't worth it the mental breakdowns are too taxing

I'll do it when I'm older=I'm never gonna get around to it

I don't wanna be the person I wanna be either

Why do I perfectly understand every lyric am I ok

Live!!! While you!!!! Can!!!!

At least there's a happy ending

Okay so I've decided that once I'm done I'm gonna make a list of songs I think would fit in the playlist

Algorythym-Childish Gambino

K its spelled incorrectly get ready for some metaphors my dudes

Intro is cool definitely very very Logan WOAH OKAY CHAIN SMOKER

Gonna go look up lyrics I don't understand shit

The chorus sounds like Thanksgiving at my Aunt's house where like 100+ African American relatives blast house music and dance until their feet falls off

Nvm no it doesn't

GO OFF

ELPHABA BETTER WATCH OUT CHILDISH GAMBINO IS COMING FOR YOUR BELT

Adlibs are everything

Letter C-Zach Sherwin

This gives off the same vibes as that one pickle video by Charlie Puth

Roman vs Logan rap battle but it's this

I don't really see why this is related but sure

Time Adventure-The Marcus Hedgehog

Nostalgiaaaaaa

Okay Logan has too many songs talking about one (1) person who is it

I have a gut feeling that it's about Thomas and how Logan used to be enough "back then" but now he thinks he's not cause like let's be honest when was the last time someone gave Logan a strong sincere thank you for all that he does????Excluding DWIT (which doesn't really count in my opinion cause they said he was cool, not like an integral and arguably the most important and powerful side) nobody really appreciates Logan???? Hugs???

Anyway plz ignore this is just how my brain works

K next song

The Breach-clipping.

OKAY SLOW DOWN IM GONNA LOOK UP LYRICS

Is this Daveed Diggs???? I haven't listened to Hamilton in like forever is this Daveed Diggs???

LITERALLY PERFECY PARRALLEL TO LOGAN AND THE SIDES

Sound effects

Really just gonna fry my eardrums like that huh

What I Do For U-Ra Ra Riot

Okay scrap anything and everything I said about it being the sides Logan is 100% talking about Character!Thomas

Erase Me-Ben Folds Five

Ooh this intro reminds me of this one particular musical songs but I don't remember which one

Wait have I listened to this before????

I've listened to this before!

Okay I need to stop being distracted

NOOOOOO don't Erase Yourself!!!!

Logan really just do be having no Self Esteem don't he

Okay so theory: Logan didn't pop up in person in the last video because his eyes were too red from crying

I have 0 evidence so it's not a very good theory but…

Just throwing it out there

One More Time with Feeling-Regina Spektor

Oh no it's Regina Spektor

Oh no I'm gonna cry

Okay so Logan doesnt wanna block of all emotion, only permit some to show???? But most of the time block everything????

Did I get that???

Nobody!!!! Thanks!!!! Logan!!!!

Awww he just wants love and recognition

Tbh this sounds a lot like Roman they have so much in common despite their constant arguing

Galaxy Song-Monty Python

Ooh Monty Python

I haven't listened to Monty Python so I sadly don't know the context

Really just dissing all of the other sides aren't we

Can't really blame him tho

Very scientific

"Yeau~"

Sweet with dark undertones. Love it.

Equation-Hans Zimmer

Later I'm gonna check the equations if they're correct XD

Sunrise-In The Heights

!!!!!!

WHO???!!!!!

K to this is one of my favorite love songs ever it's just so sweet and as someone who's bilingual the concept is just amazingly wonderful so yeah I may be freaking out

Also because WHO??!!

Okay I said I wasn't a shipper but let's be honest this is probably about Roman not romantically but like

OR MAYBE JANUS???

IM SO CONFUSED

But Logan is definitely Nina in this situation it just fits so well with her character for the same reasons I really wanna play her (but never will cause I'm exactly 0% Latin American smh) yeah the pressures to be the smartest and then it backfiring horribly and oh God what if Inùtil is also in the playlist ahhhh

Okay moving on

Lifeboat-Heathers

WHAT

NO

NO

CONFORMITY RELATED ANGST LOGAN STOP BEING RELATABLE AHHHH

IS THIS CAPTAIN THOMAS??? THE OTHER SIDES AS A WHOLE??? AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT???

IM NOT OKAY

Bohemian Groove-Will Connolly

Okay I'm still not recovered from the last song but I need to continue or else I'm never gonna finish this playlist

Eeecccchhhhhoooo

Your friends haven't surpassed you Logan you belong with them okay????

Emptiness despite success??? Millennial who???

Vibing with it but also are you okay

Nvm I know the answer already

Hug All Ur Friends-Cavetown

Okay so Logan is a Cavetown gay noted

Self validation??? Who's she???

Lies. You care so much about what other people *sides* think about you

Maybe Logan listens to this song to remind himself to not care too much

But it doesn't work and it's getting to him more and more

Oh

That took a turn

Breathin'-Thomas Sanders

Good move

Don't really have much to say on this

The Bidding

Spoopy

Alchoholic!Logan

New idea for us fan writers

The pronunciation of beurgoise

Okay I'm like pretty certain at this point that all of the songs that mention a someone else is about Character!Thomas

A Better Version

OHMYGOD I LOVE THIS MUSICAL ITS SO UNDERRATED I HAVE LISTENED TO THE SOUNDTRACK AND UNGODLY AMOUNT OF TIMES YESSSSS

But also since I know the song in terrified cause the feels are gonna come in I just know it

Wait so is Jayce supposed to be Thomas???

I am suddenly feeling much more uncertain about my certainty

Okay let me unpause and just listen to it (even though I already know all of the lyrics)

Okay so I'm a dumbass and apparently this song isn't even part of the playlist

Okay so I'm an idiot and the last few songs have all been "related to playlist" and not in the actual playlist I'm big dumb.

Anyway here's my list of songs I think would fit. (BTW, I only went off of lyrics for these ones. I realize that there’s a general sound and vibe for the playlist, but I decided not to follow it.)

Oh No! ~ MARINA

Hug All Ur Friends ~ Cavetown

Bohemian Groove ~ Will Connolly

Guiltless ~ Dodie Clark

Lifeboat ~ Laurens O’Keefe

The Bidding ~ *idk who*

I Am Not A Robot ~ MARINA

Inútil - Lin Manuel Miranda

Through The Eyes Of A Child ~ AURORA

Community Gardens ~ The Scary Jokes

Let me know if I should do this with the other playlists as well! :)

[themisterdarcy]

dear darcy,

what’s up? it’s currently thursday, april 30, 2020. we are in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic, and north carolina is on lockdown. well, technically. we are actually the worst state in the entire country in pandemic support. there are 1.06 million confirmed cases in the entire country, with 9,948 in north carolina, and 1,567 in mecklenburg county alone. the stay-at-home order is still supposed to be lifted on may 8th, though. that’s next friday. i don’t know how on earth anybody thinks that is a good idea, but the governor has the power in this situation.

school is canceled for the rest of the year, meaning that i have to finish my junior year online. i’m disappointed that i have to miss prom and seeing my friends (especially kai), but i think it’s for the best. nobody expected covid-19 to be this big of a deal, or for the quarantine to last this long. the day before schools closed, my apush teacher, mr. church, told us that he thought the situation was “blown out of proportion” and i quote: “there’s no way that school is going to be canceled.” even when schools closed, we were originally supposed to be back in school by march 30! here we are, a month later, and there’s no end in sight for this crisis.

trump is being absolutely useless, and even detrimental to the effort to contain the virus. he his early information about the virus, and didn’t bother to take precautions, leaving the country unprepared. by the time of the first case, it was hopeless. this week (or last week... time is all running together right now), he actually suggested in a press conference that a way to prevent/cure coronavirus would be to inject bleach/disinfectant into the body, or to illuminate the body from the inside with a uv light to kill the virus. both of these options as said by trump (uv light actually does have some merit to it, but it is in an entirely different context than trump suggested, and still in developmental phases) would be fatal, and aren’t even a solution to the main issue at hand: containing and controlling the spread of the virus.

in my opinion, new zealand has it down. i only know about it because amanda palmer is quarantined there, but they’re getting close to the end of 5 weeks of near complete lockdown. people are not allowed to leave their houses or visit non-immediate family members at all, and parks and public spaces are closed. while it does seem a little like an overextension of governmental power, it’s working. new zealand only has 1,476 total cases. thanks to prime minister jacinda ardern, the entire country has fewer cases than mecklenburg county. yes, new zealand only has a population of about 5 million, while mecklenburg county has 1.1 million, it’s still impressive that a population five times the size has 100 fewer cases. i honestly wouldn’t mind temporarily giving up some of my civil liberties and democratic principles if it meant that covid-19 was knocked out and controlled.

the people who are protesting the lockdowns are quite frankly narcissistic idiots who cannot see past their own ego. yes, staying at home is difficult and boring, but it’s the only way that life has any sort of chance of returning to a form of normalcy. i don’t think things will be exactly the same, nor do i think they should, but i do want to be able to hang out with friends again. i do want to go to school and have my senior year. i do want to be able to move out and go to college when the time comes. the more people disregard reality and ignore social distancing, the longer life will be like this. the protesters are only making things worse for themselves, and the saddest part is that i don’t think they realize this.

i’m writing these letters to future me (that’s you, darcy!) so that i can have a document of my life from the pandemic. also, i want to be able to remember what being 17 was like when i’m older. i do keep a journal, but that’s more for songs, poetry, and breakdowns. screaming into the void of the internet just feels more Official to me. also, i can’t lose a blog. that’s the thing about the internet: it’s forever, for better or for worse.

i think that i will open each letter with a discussion of any updates about the pandemic, focusing mainly on concrete facts and statistics. these are important to document, and i wish i had been recording this from the beginning. maybe i will go back and create a timeline, but i’m not sure yet. that might just be a task for another sleepless night. after the corona rundown, though, i’ll go into my own experiences and thoughts about the events of my life. these will probably be in bullet-point form, since my mind has the tendency to jump around as if topics were trampolines. i don’t know how often i’ll write, but i will try to everyday. every letter won’t be as long as this one, that’s for sure, but i do tend to ramble on. i hope you’re not overwhelmed, darcy.

taking a much needed break from 2020, how’s your life at the moment? i don’t know how old you are, but i’m assuming that you’re in college at the very least. are you and kai still together? i hope so. i really do love them. have you come out to the family yet? have you changed your name legally yet? i need to do that before my college graduation, because i want my degrees to be in My Name. the thing is, i’ll need to come out to change my name, and that is an issue i don’t really care to think about at the moment. how did that go? was it as bad as i expect it will be? have you started t? besides transitioning, how is your academic and career life? i hope to go to the university of texas at austin and double major in physics and music theory and composition. did that happen? if it didn’t, where did you go to school, and did you stick with the course of study i mentioned? i can’t really imagine studying anything else, to be honest. physics and music theory are two of the most intimidating and difficult subjects there are, and they also happen to be my favorite subjects. i love being challenged mentally, and i also like being seen as intimidating. imagine: a punk, non-binary, queer physicist who also writes and performs music. is there anything more intimidating than that? i aspire to be the “scary kid in your physics class.” i want to be an exception.

i’ve written so much already, but i do have quite a bit to get off my chest. yesterday was a weird day, and i couldn’t sleep at all last night, so here we are. this is what being 17 is like:

it is 6:15 am, and i have stayed up all night.

i was planning on getting a lot of work done, but instead i wasted time listening to amanda palmer and browsing the internet.

my dad thinks i took my sleeping pill, so i need to stay quiet in my room until at least 10:00 tomorrow morning so he doesn’t get suspicious.

kai called me today, but only for 15 minutes. they are a month behind in school, and will only get their phone back once they are caught up. i don’t know when that will be, but i am preparing for the worst.

i identify as androgyne, meaning in between man and woman. recently, i stopped feeling like i was faking, though. instead of worrying that i was making it all up in my head, i’ve become confident that i am Androgyne. it makes sense. it always has made sense. when i was little, i asked my father if it was possible to be “half-girl, half-boy,” and i would tell people that about myself. just because i like glitter and riot grrrl doesn’t make me a girl. i am an enby.

this is the song of the night:

i realized today that i have not left the house (excepting switching between mother’s/father’s) in an entire month. at the beginning of this lockdown, i was struggling, but i feel like i’ve adjusted more or less. this feels normal, now. i don’t feel like i’m missing something from my daily life.

10 days clean :)

my sleep schedule is fucked up. dr. kissam has put me on a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, and a sleep medicine as well as my anxiety meds because she’s concerned by my bipolar tendencies. my manic phases have gotten more intense and happen more often now, and my down phases have gotten worse than they have in a long time. i started hurting again, but i’m trying to stop. i think i have a handle on it now. i did give myself two stick and pokes on monday night, though... does that count? i don’t think so.

i have the deathly hallows on my ankle, and the androgyne symbol on my left middle finger. it looks more like an anchor or a dandelion though. :/ i like them anyways, because they are Mine. My body. My decisions. I Am My Own Person.

during the call today, i felt like kai was distancing themself from me. i don’t know if i’m overthinking a 15 minute chat, but they didn’t seem like their usual clingy, lovey self. i’m worried that they’re going to decide they don’t want to be with me anymore during this time that they are off their phone, but i know that it’s just anxiety. overthinking is my enemy. kai loves me. i love them. we are in a healthy, stable relationship (for the first time in my life!!). they aren’t going to decide to leave me out of the blue.

the song for the kai situation:

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i could just focus on school like a normal person. i have good grades, but i am a Very Chaotic student. if i could just sit down and complete assignments at a normal pace and with consistent motivation, what would i be able to achieve? would i be in a bunch of service organizations? would i be on student council? who knows?! i am darcy, and i am tied for valedictorian while never doing my homework. i don’t know how i do it either.

i’ve decided that i don’t like my confirmation name (octavian) as my middle name. i want to take my dad’s middle name, lamont. darcy lamont wheeler. it’s a super cool name, and it has Significance. our family is directly descended from the lamont clan in scotland. it’s also my grandmother’s maiden name, which i feel like makes sense because my dead middle name was her middle name. poetic justice. symmetry. i have come full circle.

hi! my name is darcy lamont wheeler.

darcy means “dark one.” i really, really like that. i like thinking that i am connected to the somewhat dark and eccentric. like the dresden dolls, or disturbing short stories. darkness adds complexity. nuance. background.

my favorite short story is “i have no mouth & i must scream” by harlan ellison. it is so completely terrifying, so beautifully disgusting, so brilliantly bizarre, so disturbingly ominous, and i have never read anything else that has come close to comparing. i love science fiction, especially dystopian ideas about technology advancing past the point of no return. it’s crazy to me that what could be considered mankind’s greatest achievement is so close to being our downfall.

everybody is awake now, and i hear them in the kitchen. i wonder when i stopped wanting to be awake. matthew and brianna seem to wake up as early as they can and fight bedtime until the absolute limit, as if they want to maximize the hours that they have each day. each morning is a new chance for fun. they don’t seem to resent life yet. i would rather be asleep instead of conscious most of the time. days are uniformly boring and miserable, with the rare diversion. why would i want them to be longer than they have to be? is this depression or is this just growing up? i can’t even tell anymore.

i missed amanda palmer’s birthday livestream yesterday, so i’m going to watch it today. two hours of her and her quarantine buddies sounds like heaven. this woman’s music quite honestly saved my life, and she is the epitome of badass!! i love amanda palmer. i wish i could write songs like she can.

on the topic of the dresden dolls, i asked brian viglione, the drummer, to “prom” as a pretense to ask him about his experiences as a musician, and for advice about how to develop my music. against all the odds, he accepted, so now, on may 9th at 8:00 pm, i am going to facetime with Brian Viglione, drummer for the dresden dolls and the violent femmes, among many others. life? made. i still can barely believe that this is actually happening!!

i came out to my english class, including ms. blaylock on tuesday. everybody reacted really well, and in that class at least, i get to go by my name and use my pronouns. i honestly couldn’t believe that i had the balls to tell anybody besides kai’s family, but i did, and it actually went well! the fact that there are people calling me darcy makes me so happy that i can’t even put it into words. it’s validating. i am darcy. not just when i’m by myself, but in real life. i am darcy.

is it weird that i’m not crippled by kai’s absence? i used to be an unproductive tangle of anxiety whenever mary was out of touch, even for a few hours. i was constantly worried that she was going to hurt herself, or that she was going to leave me. the thing is, even though i am in love with kai and i only thought that i loved mary because she was the first girl i was with, i don’t miss them to the point that i can’t function. i don’t think about them 24/7. i do miss them at times, and i cannot wait until we can talk again, but it’s not an all-consuming thing. i can go through my entire day without talking to them, no problem. night time is a little harder, but that’s because night is always when i go down spirals and rabbitholes. maybe this means that our relationship is healthy? co-dependency is a bad thing, i know, but i don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like since the only other experiences i’ve had (jack, mary, saanchi, rachel) have all been toxic in their own way.

one thing i have learned with kai is the importance of boundaries in a relationship. just because i love everything about them doesn’t mean that it’s healthy for us to share everything. there was a time where we were both in dark places and hurting, and when they shared what they did, it would set me off. the same went for them, i was using them as a journal too often, and the emotional burden had started to affect them. we had a conversation about this though, and established clear lines that we will not cross. it felt good to figure that out. i felt mature, looking out for my own needs and respecting kai’s. isn’t that how a relationship should work?

i love kai.

i’ve written a SHIT-TON. i think this is enough for now, but i might write another letter today. this was cathartic, and i feel like i’ve processed some shit as well as made a record for the future. i hope you weren’t bored or overwhelmed by my novel, darcy. i’m just writing what i feel is important, and i hope it’s still important to you.

signing off,

darcy lamont wheeler

[p-and-p-admin]

Over the last couple of months, clips of a show called "My Mad Fat Diary" have been popping up in my Facebook video list. I suppose it's because Facebook and its algorithms noticed I'm in several "plus-size" groups and figured it would be the thing for me.

For whatever reason, after scrolling past many times, one day I had five minutes and watched one of the suggested clips, and then another, and another after that. Sometimes I found them funny, or insightful, other times I found them all too relatable.

Today this clip popped up. The first scene I could relate to and empathize with but it wasn't until timecode 1:45 (-2.26) when the thin friend started talking that I suddenly felt it cutting uncomfortably close to the bone - by the time she uttered "I'm sorry, but it's the truth" I felt sick as various poisons from my past surfaced.

However, the sequence beginning at timecode 3:15 (-0:59) with Rae standing in front of the mirror just undid me. I found myself sobbing with recognition of myself.

I was a fat teenager who became a fat woman. In that transition, I struggled to really come into ownership of my body. I felt like I needed to give it away to someone else for them to approve of, to love, before **I** could believe it to be loveable. The unyielding sense of failure and longing and fear lead to me making poor choices, staying in bad, sometimes abusive, relationships far past the point of any sense because of that fear I would never find someone else willing to overlook such an obvious and huge flaw.

There is a lot of shame involved when you are fat. Sometimes from family or well-meaning friends, often from strangers and it makes you vulnerable because you can be willing to put up with toxic situations for fear of never finding someone else willing to tolerate sharing your shame by "loving" you publicly.

I am now, I think, a reasonably well adjusted middle-aged fat woman. I am strong, capable and intelligent. I know every pot has a lid. I have wonderful, positive, relationships. But those early emotional welts are still with me - because the world reminds me every day I should be sorry for the amount of space I have the nerve to occupy upon it.

There is no simple answer - "just lose weight" is not the solution. Trust me. I've been bigger, I've been smaller, I have been sensible about being fit and I have done dangerous things to try and remake myself too. But it never goes away. That shame, that fear, Never. Goes. Away. It hides in the shadows waiting to make you feel awkward when someone tells you you are beautiful.

Every time a man makes the swift turn from "Alright Darlin'?" to "Fat slut" when my response fails to please I am reminded of what a weapon you give the world when you are fat. Over and over men use the above (or similar words) to demonstrate their anger. I should be grateful they are offering me their time and attention how dare I, a "fat cow, bitch, slut, c*nt etc" not be desperately flattered that they are willing to stoop so low.

While people of size are appearing more regularly in film and television (thanks to my early size pioneers like Ricki Lake, and also the more recent ones like Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy for helping me stay sane and hopeful with positive depictions of plus-sized people and to Amanda Palmer for being so brilliantly, all-embracing and body-positive) there is a backlash against the "normalization" of being overweight or obese. Think about that for a second... there are people objecting to my being allowed to feel "normal" in my own body? Why do we seem to be so keen to DO that to one another? If being allowed to feel "normal" is dangerous what is the alternative? How should I feel in my own skin? Society has tried shaming us for years and it clearly isn't working.

So what is the answer? I wish I knew - I've been this marvellous, messy, magnificent work-in-progress for more than forty years now and I'm still working really hard on it, but I thought perhaps part of the solution might be being open and honest about why this makes me so vulnerable. Seeing the attached clip so beautifully illustrated this is a vulnerability I already share.

Thanks - Relish