#before I had a meeting with one of my advisors over Zoom

[waugh-bao]

*

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Why I remain hopeful about 2024

July 11, 2024

ROBERT B. HUBBELL

I remain hopeful about Democratic prospects up and down the ballot in 2024—including retaining the presidency under Joe Biden. I explain my reasons, below.

One of the unexpected blessings of writing this daily newsletter is the opportunity to meet with grassroots groups and Democratic candidates running for office. The meetings are almost always Zoom presentations designed to explain and promote the work of grassroots groups and raise money for candidates. On Wednesday, I hosted a fundraiser for Kari Lerner, who is challenging MAGA extremist Byron Donalds in Florida’s 19th congressional district and co-hosted a fundraiser for Blue CD2 New Mexico, a PAC devoted to re-electing Rep. Gabe Vasquez in New Mexico’s 2nd congressional district.

Like you, I have been weighed down by the relentless media attacks on Joe Biden and the “next-shoe-to-drop” statements by an increasingly long line of Democratic officials, pundits, and celebrities. It has been unsettling and dispiriting, even for me.

But after the two meetings today, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was reminded once again of the Democratic Party's secret weapon: the millions of grassroots volunteers who began as members of “the resistance” in 2017 and have matured into a seasoned, professional, battle-tested citizen army ready to defend democracy.

I meet with grassroots groups a few times a week. There are usually a hundred or so volunteers on each call. Multiply those meetings and attendees by thousands of similar groups, and you will be looking at hundreds of thousands (or millions) of motivated volunteers. None of those volunteers were politically engaged before the 2016 election.

The sophistication and planning of the grassroots groups are impressive. They are data-focused, message-centric, and mission-driven. The grassroots groups are why political pollsters repeatedly missed predictions in the 2022 midterms and special elections in 2023 and 2024. As pollsters and pundits scratched their heads trying to figure out why they were wrong, the answer was staring them in the face: The under-appreciated, under-reported, and frequently disrespected grassroots movement.

Professional consultants and advisors often resent and fear grassroots groups because the groups do for free what the consultants and advisors get paid a fortune to do (often not as well as the grassroots groups).

There is nothing like viewing screenfuls of faces of dedicated volunteers who haven’t given up and aren’t buying the B.S. the media is selling. While I am frequently asked to provide inspirational and motivating remarks to the groups, I take inspiration and motivation from them every time I meet with a group.

What is so gratifying and confidence-inspiring is that the volunteers remain focused on the grinding work of neighborhood-level get-out-the-vote efforts despite the firestorm in the media over Joe Biden. Such efforts are the secret sauce and secret weapon of the unexpected Democratic success since 2022.

There is one more aspect to the grassroots movement that must be acknowledged. It is the 90% Rule. Like other constants in nature—the speed of light (c) and the gravitational constant (g)—the 90% Rule applies across all grassroots organizations. The 90% Rule describes the fact that on every call, in every meeting, in every action, women constitute 90% of the grassroots volunteer movement.

Women have been the backbone of “the resistance” and the pro-democracy movement since the Women’s March unleashed their collective power in 2017. And Black women have been at the center of the women’s resistance movement.

The overwhelming presence of women in the grassroots movement gives me great hope. It gives me hope because they understand and live the pain of being demoted to second-class citizens by the Dobbs decision. They are denied basic healthcare because gynecologists and obstetricians are fleeing hostile jurisdictions or refusing to practice their specialty for fear of prosecution or civil penalties. They feel most acutely the pain and trauma of LGBTQ children struggling to navigate an increasingly anti-LGBTQ world. They are the caregivers for elderly parents reliant on Medicare and Social Security to maintain their health and dignity in retirement.

If grassroots groups are the secret weapon of democracy, women are the not-so-secret weapon of grassroots groups. They feel the suffering and pain of our nation in a way that others do not. An attendee at the Blue CD2 New Mexico meeting today posted this saying by Coretta Scott King:

Women, if the soul of the nation is to be saved, I believe that you must become its soul.

Women in the grassroots movement have become the soul of the nation. While I hope and believe that Democrats will show up in overwhelming numbers in November, women will be motivated more than any other group to protect their liberty, their children, and their parents.

The volunteers on the two calls I attended today aren’t giving up. They continue in their effort to win the 2024 election one voter at a time. They are anxious and worried like the rest of us, but they act while many in the political world dither.

Action is the antidote to anxiety. And action in community is a sacred act that is uplifting and affirming. If you are not a member of a grassroots group, join one ASAP! You will feel more optimistic, and you will increase the chances of Democratic success up and down the ballot in November.

[Robert B. Hubbell Newsletter]

[atamascolily]

Lily liveblogs: Thunderbolt Fantasy 4x02 "Demon Realm Banquet"

In which a member of the Dong Li imperial family is a fanboy, Lang Wu Yao is really Going Through It, and the plot thickens.

Lin puts on his Mantis shell to go visit the Big Bad. Yi Piao Miao has resting bitch face, so his sneer is probably just the usual and not, you know, Lin's disdain for Locust, but I can't help reading it in anyway.

It's very rare for Lin to outright lie, so his statement that he killed one of Shang's comrades and took his form is striking. It's necessary for the con, and I guess it's true from a certain point of view (it's 100% what Piao Miao would have said), but it still feels a little weird because I'm so used to pointed half-truths from him and this is a bit beyond his usual spin.

"He didn't even suspect my real identity" is classic Lin Xue Ya double-talk, though--Shang certainly saw through Lin's illusion but he doesn't know Lin is playing both sides at the moment in an effort to troll Locust.

Even if Lin's descriptions of Shang are not 100% accurate (is he really drinking all day??), they're accurate in spirit; Shang is depressed and isolated, and Locust seeks to take advantage of that.

Lin is bluffing when he tells Locust he could take the Index immediately, but Locust doesn't call it, saying that he wants to avoid Xie Ying Luo's mistake. This suits Lin fine.

"Be careful what you wish for"--Locust, like Lin, is acutely aware Shang is ill-suited for remaining on the sidelines and seeks to wear him down through ennui. Never mind that Shang is probably a drunken master, given his skill set. But this hesitation is Locust's mistake, even if he doesn't realize it yet--either that, or he's caught on to Lin's true identity and is deliberately sidelining him.

Locust telling "Mantis" that he knows what he was up to with Jun Po is hilarious… too bad Lin has zero interest in actually doing his "job".

Once the Zoom meeting is over, Lin transforms back into his real self, correctly identifying that Locust has something else going on.

confirmation that Lin uses his sleeves for storage!!! yes!! (I mean, I was pretty sure he did, because I would store everything in my sleeves if I had his outfit, but it's nice to see it on screen)

Lin saunters off to give Shang a pep talk… his wording suggests he's going to tease him and also brew some sort of power-up to get him back into fighting form. Damn it, these two aren't even on screen together in this episode and their dynamic gets me every time. GIVE ME SOME COMEDIC HIJINKS, please, I need this in my life.

meanwhile, Dan Fei meets with the Dong Li emperor's younger brother, who is a huge Hu Yin Shi fanboy. He's basically Chao Feng's counterpart--flightly, vain, and preoccupied with his obsession--but more benign. I wonder if those two will end up getting hitched when Dong Li and Xi You are reunited.

he tells Dan Fei he'll organize a bishounen convention so she can recruit all the pretty people to join, hahahaha

unfortunately, our fanboy royal isn't interested in helping Dan Fei by taking her request for aid seriously, and his more level-headed advisor explains after he's gone that Xi You is sending spies for an invasion so there are no troops to spare (Huo Shi Ming Huang pondered as much in the S2 post-credits scene, so it isn't a surprise he's decided to go for it). War is brewing on multiple fronts; this is the calm before the storm.

love how Juan Can Yun skips when he sees his wife; those two are so cute. also love how Bo Yang Hou has now taken up residence there as the stern uncle.

Dan Fei decides they will go on a quest to retrieve… wait for it… a super-powerful legendary magical sword personally forged by Bai Lian himself (although not named directly) 200 years earlier. This was why Shang name-dropped this guy in the first episode, huh--it was a callback so we'd be primed for this beat.

(due to a linguistic quirk, the fansubbers translated "lotus" as "rosemallow", in case you're wondering why the sword's name seems so random)

anyway, new macguffin alert! love how no matter what the problem is in this show, it always involves a sword.

between Lin and Dan Fei, Shang's retirement isn't going to last, and that's probably a good thing if he's actually day drinking as much as Lin claimed to Locust. We all joke about letting him rest, but Shang's personality and temperament are ill-suited for just hanging around doing nothing… he's gotten what he wanted (sort of) but it's making him utterly miserable. Good things he has friends to drag him kicking and screaming back into the narrative… oh, wait, they won't even have to do that, all Juan Can Yun and Dan Fei have to do is tell him they're marching off into certain danger and he'll cave instantly because he's a huge softie and these are his kids now. Works every time.

in the demon realm, Lang Wu Yao is fighting the han jiao. Interestingly, Xing Hai wants to intervene; I guess even she has standards of fair play?? Instead of her whip, though, she pulls out her fulu (paper talismans) that she uses to control/paralyze people, which tells you a lot about how dangerous she considers the han jiao. (She did the same technique with Shang in S3 rather than fight him directly.)

Azibelpher continues to be a gloating dick, as usual, but we need him to deliver the necessary exposition.

the demons really love living weapons, huh… first the demon gods, now the han jiao, and only the Shen Hui Mo Xie can consistently stop either of them. Really makes you wonder what Azibelpher has planned for Lang, since he is clearly manuevering him towards some unknown end beyond merely becoming a demon…

I didn't notice this earlier, but the han jiao don't have back legs… they're just muscular worms with bat-like membranous wings (and we know from the opening credits they can fly). They're so cute it's hard for me to take them seriously as a threat. I also really want to know how they did the puppetry for them; it's incredible work.

love how Ling Ya can talk in sword form even though he doesn't have a mouth

Ultimately, Lang is right - the only way out for him is forward into the unknown… even if it means descending into his personal hell and forsaking his humanity. His pride and his rage and his pain won't allow him to back down, especially not after everything Azibelpher has done to him. Without Shang and Tian Ming, Lang is especially vulnerable to this kind of manipulation; Ling Ya tries, but he is all too easily overruled.

the moment where the triumphant music as Lang kills the monster abruptly cuts out and we have this awkward and grotesque segment of Lang taking out decades of frustration on its corpse, intercut with Azibelpher's triumphant gloating. ... it's so painful

further confirmation that Lang's powers are fueled by his emotions and that all of the suffering he's endured in his life are fuel for him now. (In other words, he might be half-demon by blood, but he's full demon now, as his hidden heritage awakens and overwhelms his human side.) Ling Ya is able to call him back to himself, but it's too late…

Lang Wu Yao's gasp as he realizes what he's done, staring down at his bloody hands… my heart… In that moment, he believes that everything bad he's ever thought about himself is true, that he truly is a monster… and that, more than anything else, is what triggers his transformation… that final piece of self-loathing and shame and disgust.

and he literally becomes the image of his father, who represents everything he hates about himself!!

meanwhile, Spider and Wasp arrive in the demon realm, and it's clear why their boss gave them magical weapons or else they'd be toast. Wasp is so happy to just kill things, I love that for her.

even with all the squabbling, these two are getting along better than I expected, honestly. Spider gets points for clever use of his chains, and Wasp is in heaven because she can slaughter everything in her path.

oh, and we meet a new demon, Ansarto, who is part deer, part spider, 100% nightmare fuel in the best possible way and I love him. In keeping with the "eyes" motif, he's covered them. I really want to know how they did his puppet; it's fantastic work.

because Might is Right and Wasp and Spider each killed a han jiao, they get special treatment, lol. Presto, instant banquet!

they re-used the dishes and cups from Seven Sins Tower for this scene, and either Mie Tian Hai imported his tableware from he demon realm or all of the TBF villains shop at the same Evil Wuxia Target, take your pick.

Spider is trying to play it cool and negotiate, but the question is who is really manipulating whom here? meanwhile, Ba Wang Yu just wants to kill people and doesn't give a shit about the details, so it's all the same to her. I love her so much. But I think this scene really demonstrates how, despite their differences, they arrive at the same conclusions--they're really not so different after all.

(also it's so refreshing to watch a female character just chow down with gusto on screen, even if demon food is a little heavy on the eyeballs)

of course Ansarto wants them to take down Azibelpher, which puts them squarely in the line of fire as plot threads converge. Either they're gonna get killed or Azi is going to convince them to join his side instead, and I honestly don't know which.

Oh, and the Murder Princess is going after Tian Ming in the next episode, so that should be interesting. does this mean a catfight over Lang hahaha

Preview shows a new character - a female demon with purple hair and armor - stomping on a han jiao corpse, a close-up of Demon Prince Lang, Juan Can Yun wearing some kind of mask (??), Shang looking nonplussed and Tian Ming playing her guzheng at sunset as soldiers arrive. Can't wait!!!

[starseneyes]

Social Media, Connection, and the Chasms of Loss

I've heard grief discussed as many things. There are so many similes and metaphors constructed to cognitively comprehend the enormity of grief—but none are really sufficient, are they?

And there are so many kinds of loss and grief. But the one really consuming me as of late is the loss of connection—whether due to the death of a dear friend, or the severing of a cord that lasted years before finally fraying to the point it snapped.

But even sadder are the friendships that begin and end so swiftly you begin to wonder if you imagined the friendship at all. And the proliferation of Social Media in some ways united and bound us, but in the wake of Twitter's downfall, I also see the carnage left behind in the chasms of friendship scooped out simply due to migration or lack thereof.

So, in this essay that is more to help myself process an overwhelming loneliness as of late, I want to dive in a bit on the impact of Social Media, the rise and downfall of Twitter, and the avenues available to forging connection for those of us who spend the majority of our days entirely alone.

The early days of the Pandemic proved very isolating with lock downs and whatnot. I am immunocompromised and have always felt we should do what we can to protect one another.

Humans can't exist without some measure of care and protection. If I remember correctly, one of the first signs of community observed in archaeology was the setting of a broken limb—a human being offering assistance and care to another.

In the absence of in-person interactions, I know some of us became a little touch-starved, a little community-starved, grasping for the semblance of society through whatever medium available. Social Media became a lifeline in so many ways.

I started working from home in 2017, when my daughter was born. It was a tough pregnancy. I was finishing Graduate School with the worst Advisor ever at a school I would never recommend.

And when my Littlest was not even a year old, I was laid off from my job of 8.5 years when the parent company absorbed mine. I was offered a new job at the parent company that I knew would bore to me tears, so I dug into the freelance world I'd dipped my toe into.

I had friends, and we saw each other as much as possible. I still threw Chili Cookoff parties and Adult Game Nights and Unoite Parties. I was the organizer. I was the one driving the get-togethers. I loved it. I thrive in that situation.

There's a reason my eighth grade teacher looked at me and thought, "Yeah, this 12-year-old is ready to be my Assistant Director and Stage Manager for our production of Twelfth Night". I excel at organization and creativity. Combining the two is definitely my strong point.

By early 2020, I decided I wanted to get back to screenwriting, and I inadvertently started making friends in the screenwriting world, both PreWGA and WGA.

It was never a calculated thought on my part. I simply reactivated my dormant Twitter and realized Rachel of the past followed a lot of writers, and I kept going. Meeting people. Making connections. Hearing their stories. Sharing in moments big and small. And the early days of the Pandemic pushed us all together all the more.

"Meet ups" and "mixers" that previously took place at restaurants in Los Angeles were online. Folks from all over the world made connections. I was in Zooms with Brits and Aussies and Hispanics and people from all over.

Some of us really found that sense of community we were missing in a virtual setting. Which is a miracle, if you think about it.

I am never as comfortable typing as I am talking. And I am less comfortable on a phone than I am in-person. I love watching how someone reacts, listening to their inflection, considering their body language, knowing when to lean into the laugh and when to give space for the gasp of a sob. Yes, I know my Communication Nerd is showing—I do hold two degrees—but I thrive in situations where I can speak with another human and see them fully.

My father used to say all I needed to do was talk to someone, and I'd have any job I wanted in hand. And he's been mostly right about that.

I truly enjoy communication, so that feeds into how I communicate, I think. I like bringing joy to others. I like making them laugh. I like being there for them when they need someone. It's a gift to be able to hold space for someone when they need it—because even silence is a form of communication.

Twitter became one of the front runners for those who communicate primarily with words. While Instagram has always been image-forward and who knows what drives Facebook at this point, Twitter in 2020 still allowed you to follow who you wanted and see a real-time Timeline.

It became a haven for me. Remember, I'm immunocompromised. My General Practitioner—whom I adore—says, "Rachel, I wish I could write 'weird shit' as a diagnosis". And she said my immune issues are a part of me that isn't going anywhere.

Now, I'm healthier this year than I have been since my 20's. My white blood cell count is at the low end of Normal instead of 75% of what it should be. This is amazing news. But it wasn't the case in 2020, 2021, 2022. And it can go back down at any point without warning. So, I have to be careful.

So, as my friends "went back to normal", guess who wasn't hosting parties anymore? Guess who avoided indoor events far longer than others? And guess who clung harder to her friends on Social Media as a result?

And I am very grateful to have met many of the friends I made on Twitter in real life. It's been sensational to get to know people, whether at meets ups in Washington, DC or Arlington, or chatting on the picket lines up in New York last summer. But the day-to-day interactions were always on Twitter.

Then, Twitter became virtually unusable. Bots multiplied and overtook actual interaction. The destruction of the verification system eroded trust and safety. Every third Tweet was suddenly an ad for something horrible and hateful. Oh, I could go on.

But there was no universal landing pad. It was like closing time at the bar after the show. We all agreed to go to this place even though we know it closes at Midnight. But there's a dive bar across the street where we can go for a few more hours so the party doesn't have to end.

There was no established after-hours bar. Instead, there were a half dozen pop ups that may or may not become permanent locations down the line.

So, some people went to Spoutible. Some went to Mastodon. Some went to Threads. Some dug in on Instagram. Some flocked to Discords. Some went to BlueSky.

And thus this well forged and formed community of Twitter folks I'd come to know and adore fractured.

Not a one of us did anything wrong. We simply responded to the loss of our hub the best we could. But that loss is something I keenly feel.

See, I work from home. Every day. Sometimes I don't speak to another soul the entire day until my children get home. Then, I'm in Mom-mode until they go to bed, and often after that my husband crashes before we can have a conversation.

But at the same time I lost my Twitter community, one of my best friends died. Cheryl lost her cancer battle, and she was the one person I could message day or night. We understood if we didn't hear from the other that they would get to us as soon as they could. There was no expectation but there was this mutual love that I will forever appreciate.

And my IRL friends never quite went back to where they were pre-COVID. I have friends, now, who were once close but now scream against vaccines and attack teachers and curse LGBTQ folks who never did a damn thing to them. And so I'm letting those friendships fall away. I tried to talk to them about some of their views, and met nothing but a brick wall.

So, it's not that Twitter was my only community. But right now—save less than a handful of IRL friends—Social Media is my only human contact most days. And how many folks in the world have this same reality?

Whether due to disability, illness, isolation, or whatever other reason—so many folks look to Social Media as a place to engage with others in discourse, to make connections, to forge friendships.

Yes, this is possible. In the 90's, I knew a couple who met over the internet, fell in love, and one left the US for the UK where they wed and lived together until her passing. You absolutely can make real friendships via a social medium.

Honestly, the person I'm most excited about seeing at WorldCon in Glasgow isn't one of the Special Guests, but it's a human I met on BlueSky who is kindness personified wrapped in big hair and a bigger heart.

We connected somewhere around November/December and it's been one of the coolest things to get to know her and hopefully give her back some of the love she so freely gives.

We have never met in person. We forged this bond mostly via text. Little moments building, one upon the other.

That is the potential of Social Media. And that is something we are all still attempting to rebuild via all the different fractured pieces.

What compounds the difficulty is the insistence of TPTB (wow, I'm throwing it back to my Star Trek WebRing Surfing days with that one) that we trade connection for content—that we power the machine with our posts and comments but sacrifice meaningful relationship-building opportunities.

In short—we are fighting against the very systems we are forced to use in our quest for genuine connection. The systems are gamed with algorithms to push popularization of content we often don't want to see because it's incendiary and causes us to be reactionary.

The true moments of commiseration, celebration, and collaboration are born of tiny moments built upon one another over time. It takes shared time to create connection and for threads to become braided cord. If we're competing with the algorithm all the time, we lose valuable time.

So, in this time where one of my best friends is no longer with us, one of my other best friends is fading away, and the Social Media norms to which I’d adapted have failed—I am flailing a bit for want of connection.

This isn’t to say that we should all commit to Social Media to save our ails in any form. Please do not misread. I am only pointing out that for those of us for whom in-person, consistent contact is an impossibility, Social Media as it previously stood—especially Twitter—has served as a useful tool for maintaining connection.

Will another tool rise up in such a way to dominate the space and create a new centralized gathering place? I truly do not know.

At present, I spend most of my time on BlueSky and Instagram, dip my toes into Threads every so often, Facebook for the sake of distant family members who want to see the kids, and tentatively tiptoe toward Twitter only to check in on my loves who are on that platform and nowhere else.

I tried Spoutible and Mastodon. Neither really took hold. And, of course, I am here. But only about two people from the other places follow me here.

We are all in search of connection—of hearts meeting and minds mingling. Or maybe that’s in reverse depending on what kind of connection you seek. Either way, we are at once island and at the same time thirsty for the waters and waves that link us one to the other.

In this space, I am grieving the death of one of my best friends, the fading of another close friendship due to irreconcilable differences, the isolation of spending every day alone, and the loss of the social constructions that created social stability for me in absence of traditional avenues.

Friendship is precious and dear. However you make connections, build understanding, and develop trust—it is worth protecting and celebrating. So, it is natural to mourn what is lost for whatever reason.

But please don’t let it harden you. Despite all the technological and societal barriers in our way, we will form new friendships that are deep and meaningful. But that means continuing to put ourselves out there.

So, reach out to someone today—to start a friendship, to build a friendship, to nurture a friendship. With so much against us, we have to fight hard for it—but it is always worth it.

[eponymous-rose]

Something I wanted to do in the New Year is be more aware of how I'm spending my time at work, so I think I'm gonna try to do little summaries here of what each day entails. Hopefully also kind of interesting/useful if anyone's interested in academia?

For reference: we're on the quarter system, classes started on the 3rd, and I currently teach one class per quarter (heavy research-focused department, so very light teaching load). I also currently supervise 1 PhD student, 2 Master's students and 2 undergraduate research interns.

Monday!

Checked email on the bus to work, which mainly consisted of me seeing a colleague had received an endowed professorship, me writing her an effusive congratulatory message, and then me editing back the message a bit so it was less embarrassingly over the top. Also sent my students a reminder about their homework due on Wednesday and our little field trip tomorrow morning and accidentally sent it to last quarter's class, whoops. Luckily a former student quickly notified me of my mistake and I got it fixed!

Class was great - lots of flipped-classroom stuff that worked well even with only two students in the room (it's a conference week, everyone's traveling). I knew from previous years that the students had really, really struggled with this one equation, so I had them do a couple of examples in class and after working through the first one together, they both nailed it on the second try. Had to cancel a meeting with one of my undergrad research interns after class because the other members of our research team are out of town this week. Where is everyone? Well, at a conference and doing a two-month-long field campaign on the east coast. Forgivable. She offered to send me some of the work she's done thus far, so that's handy!

Went to check email after class and found that apparently a new remote meeting had popped on my schedule for immediately after class with an old peer mentoring group of mine (fellow 4th-year assistant profs in tangentially-related fields - we all did a professional development course last year together). Luckily it was cameras off so I could snack and decompress a bit while we caught up and made some strategic plans for the quarter.

Okay, FINALLY time to check email in earnest before my next meeting. 36 new messages since I checked last. New software package I need to bookmark and keep in mind for later work. Updates from the conference I'm technically attending virtually this week. Reference letter request from an undergrad student; add to calendar! Title and abstract to get added to the website for a seminar I'm hosting in a couple weeks. Reminder that the Zoom recording of my class is available to put online (which I promptly did). Triple-check with our tech guy that we're good to go up on the roof tomorrow to set up instrumentation for my class's term projects (all good!). Time flies, so here's the email with research progress from my undergraduate research intern and a handful of questions, we'll answer those and see how she likes jumping into a new dataset. New grant opportunities, job listings, a bunch of easy stuff to mark off. An essay about allocating time each week into the categories of Teaching, Research, and Service and strictly adhering to the percentages laid out by your tenure/promotion committee. Got a few minutes before my next meeting so I'll try it this week? Ish? Maybe? Looked sidelong at the new schedule, sure, we'll try that this week. Sent an email to my collaborator who's on a field project to see if we can do a remote meeting tomorrow to chat about a couple research proposals. Queued an email for next week's seminar speaker to see if he can send me the title and abstract for his talk/PhD entrance exam next week - no sense freaking him out before Wednesday, so we'll do a scheduled send.

Next up, meeting remotely with my former postdoc advisor! We've set up these meetings to "work on research projects" together but honestly this week it was just listening to him tell a very entertaining story about his car breaking down in rural Missouri and also listening to him describe a truly tragic tale of his very fancy sandwich getting thrown out of the office fridge by accident. That's scientific collaboration, baybee. We did talk research for a bit and he mentioned wanting to collaborate on a paper (he offered to pay for it out of the much more substantial research funds that come with his 30 extra years in the field) so I'm gonna come up with something for that by our next meeting in two weeks. I like working with him - we've published a couple papers in some pretty high-impact journals and he's always let me take the lead and go for first authorship without butting in, only providing support - so this is a fun prospect! I do have to submit an abstract this week for a European conference that'll be happening this spring, so maybe I can go ahead and lean into that idea a little.

It's now getting a little dark and rainy and I'm flagging a bit but I still have an hour before the afternoon seminar, so probably time to do a little course prep. Did some "grading" (just checking completion certificates for an introductory module the students had to go through). Fixed a mistake in Wednesday's lecture (why is there an anemometer when I'm talking about thermometers???). Reviewed some of the more complicated topics in Wednesday's lecture to make sure I'm not totally lost (some thermodynamics I haven't looked at in a while, thermocouples, semiconductors). Replacement slides uploaded to our course management system.

Aha! Email back from collaborator, she's going to be on a research flight tomorrow and won't be able to meet. All good, I don't have much to report anyway. That frees up an hour tomorrow, woohoo.

Okay, students have a homework assignment due a week from Wednesday, so I'm gonna post it this Wednesday. I have a good homework assignment prepared, I just needed to go in and write up a nice answer key. Got that done (along with some sample Python code to provide them with) and the homework assignment is scheduled to be posted, so it's time to look at next week's lectures. I've inherited this class from someone whose course notes can be a little scattered, so this is usually a bit of a process. Only two lectures to prep for next week, though!

Took a break from lecture prep to go to today's seminar, which purported to be about a really dodgy geoengineering scheme (redundant descriptor, am I right?) but in fact just rigorously tested said scheme and demonstrated it would actually have the opposite effect. Super fun and interesting seminar!

Okay, back to working on lectures for next week. Somehow got both of next week's lectures done before the end of the day, so those should just need a little polish and they'll be ready to go! Uploaded them to the course management system but sneakily and they won't appear to students until I've checked them over.

Tomorrow: going to the roof with my students to set up their term projects, then tons of sweet, sweet, meeting-free office time carved out. Hope this doesn't come back to bite me with a million meetings on Wednesday (...it will).

Important: work is done by 5PM. I try very hard to adhere to "leave work at work", which is not as much of a pipe dream as it seems, even for R1 tenure-track.

[mikerichardson2023]

I want to begin this post with an apology for the lateness. Last week My Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was triggered. Anxiety and Depression make production of any kind nearly impossible. The episode lasted from Thursday until this morning. I am not sure exactly what triggered my disorder, but I am glad that the challenging moment has passed, and I feel like myself again. Now I would like to talk about the contributions to my project I was able to achieve. Although I did not get much accomplished working on the material, I met with my advisor Dr. French over Zoom.

I met with my advisor and spoke for an hour. He told me that he was happy with the progress that I had made and believed in me and that I could finish planning the schools before the end of the summer. He was interested in the adjustments I have been making over the summer. He likes the inclusion of stories of schools and people that are fascinating while I research locations. He told me about another Graduate student writing a thesis on one of the schools featured on this list. The student is researching Coleman,, one of the institutions that appeared during this era. It is interesting that one of my goals for this project is already yielding results. I hoped this project would work as a tool supporting other scholars as they research institutions featured in this list.

We also discussed future applications of this data once the map is complete. We agreed that the story maps tool is limited in expressing the data. Although it is an ideal way to start extracting the data featured in this primary source, applying the information to a different tool may result in better findings. We discussed using Tableau, which will allow us to better express the argument. I am still conceptualizing the argument. I want to show the era in which these schools were established and how many eras they endured throughout (emancipation, pre-Jim Crowe, Jim Crowe, Segregation). I will use the information presented in the project as a foundation and similar research methods to find information about the school after it closes. I want to track dates when they either close or stop being an all-African American school, amounts of students, the eras it existed in, and why it ended (funding, merging, fire).

I am looking forward to expediting the production of this project. I have roughly a third of the list to chart; I need to add the remaining details and clean up the visualizations. I am looking forward to using this motivation from the meeting with Dr. French to wrap up this work in time for the Internship showcase and begin conceptualizing the next phase that will begin in the fall. It is exciting to see this project's potential and know there is an exciting future where I can contribute to historical research.

[temporarytraveler]

Tips to entering into an Abroad Program

Currently I am staying in an apartment in Seoul for my 2 week quarantine. While I’m waiting to be released, I thought I would share some tips I found along the way that helped me get into my study abroad program :)

1. Research all your options

A year ago, I dreamed for the opportunity to go Korea. I had my plan set in mind that I was going to go to this specific school in Songdo (about 45 mins outside Seoul). But I started to realize the cons of the program. They did not offer enough courses in my major. Which oddly enough is Korean! That’s right, a Korean campus barely offered Korean languages classes. Plus, the school was just too far from Seoul for my liking. At this point the only thing stopping me from backing out was fear.  

I totally understand the feeling of having your heart set on a specific place, school, class and outright telling yourself there is no other option! I want this and I’ve already decided! That’s great, but from my experience even if you have already found an aboard program to apply for, double check all your options. First, check what your university offers. Find whose in charge of each program and email and set up a meeting over the phone or zoom with them to get an idea what they’re offering. Make a list of questions you want answered as well. Because who knows, that meeting may change your entire path! That’s what happened to me! I met with the director of the program for Yonsei University at my college and he convinced me I needed to go there instead.

2. Check what classes the school offers

https://portal.yonsei.ac.kr/main/indexe.jsp

This is so so important when making your decision. I’ve heard from other students that have attended Yonsei that didn’t bother to check if they had any major classes for them! I understand the want to study abroad, but choose a school that will fit your academic needs.

Now I can only speak for the Yonsei exchange program so I don’t know how its done anywhere else. To check what classes Yonsei University offers to exchange students (classes in English) visit the link for the Yonsei course Portal. From there, click the box that says Course Catalog and syllabus. There you can enter either course codes or course names. I recommend typing in a generic name like history and see what comes up. IMPORTANT: To know if a class is welcome for exchange students look at the far right column labeled EXCHANGE. It will either have an X or O telling you if you are eligible.

3. Stay on top of everything!

Abroad programs require tons of paperwork. It is a MUST that you make a check list of everything that you need to get done. Some documents you will need will come from your school and the aboard program. If you are missing anything or you are waiting on someone to get your required documents such official transcripts or papers needed for visa, Send. an. email. If you’re not comfortable at sending email now, you will be when this experience is over. Never expect your school or advisor to keep track of anything for you. You must know the ETA of the whole process. I repeat, do not wait around for someone to email you about it. Get it done. 

4. Find communities entering the same program.

One of the most important things I’ve learned from this experience is don’t do it alone. Look for Facebook, Discord, or in my case Kakao groups that are in the same boat as you! The best way to describe an exchange group chat is if you put all your brains together, you form one person that actually knows whats going on! It’s a great place to ask questions and make some friends before you get there as well! Studying abroad can be scary, so try to find support.

5. Nothing is ever simple

For anyone considering studying abroad, just remember that it is a stressful process. If something is done quickly, it usually means there’s three more obstacles to cross before actually completing it. Just pay attention to deadlines and check in with the people in charge if things get confusing. I believe everyone should study abroad. So, if you have the opportunity, don’t be afraid to take it. :)

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

Sahar Tartak Battled Race Essentialism in Student Government

Sahar: During my junior year my school had wanted to sponsor this political organization called Erase Racism, to give a presentation to the school on systemic racism in Long Island. And they had asked for student government to fund the presentation, but i didn't really know what the presentation was going to be about and they weren't really giving me any information. And this is when I was treasurer, so i needed to sign off on these checks.

They got student government members together for a meeting and just berated us for about an hour over Zoom about how our refusal to sponsor this organization was really our refusal to oppose racism.

My two student government advisors had also brought in my social studies teacher to join them in this meeting. So it was it was really intense just having three adults, all of whom you know had authority over me and one of whom had control over my grades in my junior year of high school.

And I was also, again as a junior, not used to situations like this. I'm Jewish. They asked me if I would have done the same thing for a Holocaust presentation. So from there i realized that there were some issues in the school that definitely needed to be hashed out when it came to just intimidation and speech.

Later on in the year, a student in the school, a friend of mine actually, showed his dad a Google Slides presentation that was being taught to his English Regents class, which is a mandatory English class in the school for I think juniors... yeah it's English 11 Regents. And the contents of the presentation were again very controversial. Some of the things that were said in these slides were that America is as racist today as it was 200 years ago.

The students who were watching the presentation had harbored white fragility when it came to race and that white fragility was actually a function of white solidarity, so white people get upset at being called racist in order to fight for racism. And that we all have internalized racism and it ended with a pledge to be anti-racist, but that was anti-racist as defined by this controversial slideshow. It had some it had some recommended readings, I think one of which was maybe White Fragility.

So the contents of that presentation was released to a lot of parents who just were not happy about it. So the parents brought that to the Board of Education. Board of Education offers a public kind of discussion where you as a constituent get to talk to the Board of Education about this issue, this issue, that issue, and a lot of parents were going up saying, whoa I object to this being taught to my kids on a mandatory basis, and also I didn't know about this being taught to my kids, and also apparently this was being taught for years and the school administration knew about it so what's going on here.

So this Board of Ed meeting was was huge.

Ben: Perhaps half the parents of this of the school district here are immigrants or refugees, Jewish or Asian. Unfortunately my father learned what white supremacy was he he grew up in in Poland, in the part of Poland that's now in the Ukraine.

Having their kids being taught that they're white supremacists, it's very incongruous to the local actual felt experience, the lived experience of the people in this town.

Sahar: So i found out about this Board of Ed meeting, I think maybe the day of or the day before, and what was going to be happening and what a lot of parents in particular were coming to protest.

So I decided that this was really going to be my opportunity to speak up about other things that were happening in the school and really let the rest of the community know that there was a lot going on. That the school administration had basically been sponsoring this mandated learning of controversial ideas to the kids and was also sponsoring intimidation to get there.

So I wrote up a speech basically detailing what happened with student government and also just included this question of, really this presentation, the very controversial Google Slides presentation, it's been being taught for years. How could the people in charge here have not known about this and how could they not have been so transparent you know.

It was a problem, it's an issue that our school was enforcing ideologies with with an iron fist, rather than a gentle hand.

==

“nO OnE Is tEaChInG CrItIcAl rAcE ThEoRy iN ScHoOlS!!!1!”

I could easily devise a class that teaches children that they’re tainted by sin from birth, that sin is all around them, that they’re condemned by that sin unless they repent... without ever mentioning Xianity or Jesus or Islam, or opening the bible or quran. “No one is teaching Xianity in schools!”

And then I can turn around and say “why are you so opposed to teaching kids about right and wrong? Why do you want them to go into the world not knowing morality, the difference between good and evil? Why are you defending evil in the world?”

And every single non-Xian - and even many Xians - would recognize the problem.

[inkofamethyst]

October 5, 2022

HOOOO BOYYY DO I HAVE A STORY FOR TODAY

So I wake up an hour before my alarm, nervous as all get out for my two potential advisor meetings.  The first ones with people I don’t know.  The first one is supposed to be fairly low-stakes, it’s in a small department at an unremarkable university, but I wanted to use it as practice because half an hour after I was scheduled to meet with a dude from one of the most recognizable universities in the country, and I wanted to have practice so I didn’t make a fool of myself [edit: Allow me to elaborate.  This idea, the whole “making a fool of myself” thing?  That terrified me.  Still does.  I don’t want to come off as all charm and no substance.  I was especially afraid of throwing one/both of my previous PI’s name/s into the ring in pretty much every email and then having no critical thinking skill to show for it.  I want to show that I can ask good questions, even as an undergraduate.  That I’m well-read and qualified enough to beat out a Master’s degree holder for a spot.  (Though I am also not above leveraging my black-woman-ness to do it lol.)].

I go to class, I shut all of that out.  I get out of class and have forty minutes to prepare.  Mind you, I’m confident in my charisma and all, but the most terrifying aspect of these interviews is the possible “so what kinds of questions are you interested in?” because I had a general idea, but nothing concrete, nothing to really build on.  So I skim through my evoanth notes from years ago and come up with a question which I can apply to both people with a few tweaks.  And I open my Zoom room a few minutes before, and I wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Five minutes pass, and I’m nervous.  Ten minutes go.  Fifteen minutes pass, and I’m about to start crying because I know he’s not going to show.  And it’s not that I’m upset over this guy.  He’s got plenty of expertise and could be great to work with and learn from, but what I wanted from him was the practice.  The practice meeting a person and them having almost no idea who I am.  I rant to my parents and they call and calm me down.  I closed the room and had an hour to straighten myself back up for the next one.  The Big One.

I open my Zoom room at the appropriate time, take a deep breath, and he arrives (says that he recognized me from the conference (and he had at least skimmed my CV)!) and we begin.  Honestly, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be.  He spent most of the time talking about himself, selling me on his lab.�� He did ask me about my research interests, we did engage in some back-and-forths, and we chatted for a good hour.  I felt really really good after the conversation.  And I know that’s his goal, to get more students to apply, but I mean it worked.  My legs were shaking the whole time but he seems like a really really great guy.

And so I call my parents, elated at how well it went, and we (and my sister and the puppy who made an appearance) chatted for a good hour just to calm me down from what was essentially a mild performance high.  I end that call, check my email, and lo and behold, the guy I was supposed to meet first apologizes for not being able to meet at the time we specified and asks if I’m available that afternoon.

Me and dude 1 end up meeting after all, and it’s nice (especially because I feel as though I have the upper hand in the first impressions department since like yea I need to impress him sure but I also wasn’t late to the originally-scheduled meeting, so).  Also going from what I perceive as being the most difficult intro meeting to the easiest on my list made it a bit of a cakewalk.  I will apply, I think, but it’s definitely near the bottom if not the lowest on my list.  Less-so because of the guy, who seems fine, and more-so because the prestige of the school is so so much lower than where I’m at now.  Sue me, I’m an elitist.  I’m tryna move on up in the world, or at least not go too far down from where I’m at.  I do think that guy knew it too because he was workin to convince for sure.

That’s three schools down, I’ve got a few more to reach out to (hopefully I can do two tomorrow).

Today I’m thankful for well, you knowwwww.  And I know, at this point, no application has been submitted, no official interviews completed, nothing of that sort.  But I’m really happy The Big One went well.  And that I’ve gotten over my mental block.  I feel like I can pop though the rest of these like candy (assuming I get responses).

I literally cannot believe how this week has gone.  Find out Monday I’m forced to stay on campus a few extra hours on Friday instead of going home for a sectional.  Find out Tuesday that my rec writer has to cancel our Wednesday meeting [edit 2: keep in mind, this dude has been giving me the run-around for almost three weeks and it ain’t cute no more], we move it to the extra time I now have open on Friday.  Potential advisor emails me back on Tuesday to say that he can meet during the slot where my rec writer and I were supposed to meet.  Different potential advisor doesn’t show for scheduled meeting.  Gives me time to prepare more for another potential advisor I care more about.  First potential advisor and I end up meeting after that other one, and I feel more confident and at ease with the process.  Almost every disappointment was followed almost immediately by a win.  You can’t make this kind of thing up.  If God is out there listening, thanks bud.

[edit: ALSO THE SUN CAME OUT IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE FIRST MEETING WHICH WAS LOVELY ANd I went on a really nice walk just to chill out after everything was done and I just sat and listened to a guy play the flute beautifully in a lovely little garden on campus :)]

[edit 2: also I got a B+ on my devbio exam which ain’t bad (considering I crammed for it in a day (remember how I said last fall that I’d never do that again??  yea me neither haha) and during that day I was also cramming for another exam)!]

[edit 3: it’s 3 in the morning and I have 4 classes tomorrow today but I’ve schedule-sent my two thank-you emails and an inquiry email and I’ve drafted another inquiry email to be sent upon receiving a response to the first one.  i have two other emails that need to go out tomorrow but i need to sleep rn i can send those during lunch.  i am so close to being done with cold-emailing omg]

[starsfic]

10 Different Happenings: Qi Xiaotian

In different worlds, there are different what-ifs. Here’s ten what-ifs for Qi Xiaotian.

(I might write another ten of these. 5 is the Mentorswap au by @winterpower98, 6 is the Amnesia au by @vegalocity, 8 is the AU of the Swap AU by @stylishbutdefinitelyillegal, and 9 is @smallpwbbles’s Deaged MK.)

-_-

1.

“Enjoy your order!” Xiaotian said, handing over the bag of noodles to the construction worker, right outside the construction site. He couldn’t helped his smile as he drove away, unaware of how badly fate had screwed up.

Until the Demon Bull King attacked.

2.

Wukong reached the mountaintop. But instead of seeing his former friend preparing to kill his student, there was nothing but Xiaotian’s body, still pinned down by the staff, eyes empty and unseeing.

His bandana was missing.

3.

It was quiet in the study as the demon royalty and her potential new advisor sat across from her.

Princess Iron Fan hummed as she skimmed over the documents in front of her- a type of resume, with everything needed to back up his claims of skill. She hated having to do this, but if she wanted her husband freed, she needed to. But if he was really the man these and he claimed to be... She finally looked up at the young man sitting across from her. 

“Qi Xiaotian,” she hummed. The young sorcerer smiled politely at her, amber eyes peeking out through his bangs. “I think you and I are going to do great things together.”

He bowed his head. “It will be my honor, your majesty.”

4.

“Oh, Xiaotian,” Mrs. Long said, pulling him into a hug. “I am so sorry that we made you feel like you weren’t enough!”

Mr. Long hugged his other side. “Adopted or not, you’re our son and we are so proud of you.”

Xiaotian snuggled into their holds, holding the Long ancestral jade blade tight. He was so glad they weren't upset. Now, all he had to do was prove himself worthy of the blade.

5.

Qi Xiaotian, the Monkey King, zoomed up the mountainside on his cloud, towards the golden glow of his successor. Whatever Wukong was doing, whoever he had turned to, he was putting a stop to it right now. His successor, for now, was still too mortal for the amount of power he was using. He was going to kill himself and once again it would be on Xiaotian's head. Not to mention, the style that he had started using was vaguely familiar- His thoughts cut off when he reached the top with a "Kid!" 

And there was Wukong, panting and weak in the ground, the golden orb of his powers swirling in the clawed hand of a bull demon. Then the demon turned and Xiaotian froze. "...Red?" 

His former beloved frowned, clenching his hand around Wukong's powers. Neither noticed Wukong's look of heartbreaking betrayal as he pried his face out of the dirt. "Hello, Sunshine." 

And before Xiaotian could react Red was tackling him. 

6. 

"I'm sorry, Dad," Qi Xiaotian, the son of the Monkey King, apologized. He was walking back to his uncle's noodleshop, currently on the phone with his father. "I tried again today and he didn't recognize anything I said." 

"It's fine, bud," His dad didn't sound fine. But, like always, Xiaotian didn't say a word. "Just keep an eye on him, okay?" 

"Okay. Love you." 

"Love you too." Xiaotian sighed as he hung up, tucking the phone back into his pocket. He wished he could help Pigsy remember who he was. Maybe then his dad and Tang would be honestly better. He shook away those thoughts as he turned the corner, a smile forming as the light of the noodleshop came into view.

Then a hand clamped over his mouth. "Hello there!" a male voice said as another hand grabbed his wrist, forcing it back. "Apologies for being rude, but Lady Bone Demon would like a word."

Before Xiaotian could do something, scream or bite or fight, something to get away and warn his dad about Lady Bone Demon, the world grew dark. 

The last thing he saw was a smiling man with blue eyes. 

7. 

Qi Xiaotian never washed up on the shores of Flower Fruit Mountain, alive and well. 

8. 

The door was right there. Waiting for him to knock on the frame and see Bai He- his sister. 

The sister he didn't know he had, made for the same monstrous purpose, who had build herself a life far from demon battles and insane monkey tyrants. 

Xiaotian bit his lip, pulling his fist away from the door. He shouldn't. But he had to. Bai He was most likely on Sun Wukong's radar now, liable at any moment to be grabbed and forced into a role in the twisted family Wukong wanted to create. But still… 

Two pairs of arms wrapped around him before he could turn and walk away. "Come on!" Xiaojiao said, his best friend's voice warm and confident. "Let's meet her!" 

"To protect her," Red said, who seemed to know exactly what to say. The kiss he pressed to his temples didn't hurt either. Xiaotian took a breath, bolstered by their support. He knocked. 

There was a moment of silence where he feared the worst, then the door slid open. 

And there she was. 

9.

Xiaotian woke up with a scream.

Next to him, Xiaojiao sat up. “HUH WHU- MK WHAT’S WRONG-?!” She gasped, looking wildly around.

At her question, the deaged boy sniffled, feeling tears spring to his eyes. Xiaojiao blinked, a little calmer. “Hey, hey, it’s alright,” she whispered, collecting Xiaotian in her arms. “You’re safe, it’s okay.” She curled tight around him. “You’re okay.”

Are you lost, little one?

Xiaotian shivered in Xiaojiao’s hold, not willing to call her out on the lie.

10.

Xiaotian sat up with a gasp, looking around.

In the bunk next to him, Xiaojiao rolled over with a sigh. He sighed, relaxing. She was safe. He slipped out of his bunk, padding through the hallway, past Pigsy and Tang’s door. He relaxed further when he heard their snores, unable to resist a smile as he passed the kitchen and heard Sandy cooing to Mo as he made a late-night cup of tea.

The night air was cool. Above him, stars twinkled. Wukong was perched on the bow, watching the stars.

There was no words exchanged as Xiaotian settled next to him.

There was no need, not when everyone was safe for now.

[bluejones]

secret keeper

pairing: lucien x gn!reader word count: 1k warnings: guns, mentions of murder summary: you uncover a secret that was best left hidden a/n: written for @autumnleaves1991-blog​ & @clydesducktape​ writer wednesday prompt. all my love to @marvelousmermaid​ for your eyes on this 🥰

You never thought a man like him could harbour such a dark secret. He was playful, flirty, successful, and perhaps a little strange but by no means an evil person. 

Well, so you thought.

Being Lucien’s advisor meant visits to his residence, a mansion really for all intents and purposes. And while you had only really been in his drawing room and office, which was much too large for any one person, you had always been.. curious to step foot in any of the other rooms. Mainly because they were always closed off, with you being ushered away before you had a chance to really get a proper look. You didn't think much of it until one weekend you couldn't get hold of him or anyone for that matter. Not his secretary, housekeeper; you even tried his groundskeeper. Nobody picked up.

Perplexed by this unusual behaviour, you did a drive by of the house just to make sure everything was okay. When you arrived, you peered through the steel fence that enclosed the property. All the lights were off, and you got a strange feeling in your gut. This wasn’t normal.

The following Monday, he called as if nothing had happened. He sounded genuinely confused and brushed you off when you asked him where he had been. You tried not to think of it, but that feeling kept coming back - that something wasn't right.

A few days later, you were waiting for him in the lobby for a late-night meeting, which happened often, as he preferred the atmosphere of a warm fire and whiskey in hand as he discussed his business. But he was late, and he was never late. In fact, no one had even come to greet you at the door, another unusual thing you struggled to ignore.

Something felt off, and the house felt oddly cold. The nagging feeling in your stomach returned and for the sake of distraction, you figured it wouldn't hurt to walk around while you waited.

After turning a few corners, you came to a long dark hallway. There was only one door, which gave you pause given the size of the house. Light shone from under the doorway, and after looking behind you briefly just in case, you found yourself taking steps toward it.

You took a deep breath before you reached out and grabbed the handle, turning it to find it unlocked. You pushed it open, revealing a seemingly normal sitting room. It was large and opulent like everything else in the house, complete with a chandelier and a floor-to-ceiling window at the end.

This room was warmer than the rest of the house, although there was no fireplace. You walked in, stopping at the center of the lounge, your fingers brushing the cool blue velvet of the overly large chairs.

You scanned the room, finding nothing out of place except a large filing box behind a couch, covered in black. You should have walked away then, but that feeling compelled you to look. So instead, you rushed over to it and carefully opened the lid.

Pictures. There were pictures of a couple that seemed to have been taken from a distance and zoomed in. You flipped through them, and you realised they could be quite incriminating - if someone were expecting they were up to something. A clearer picture caught your eye and... it was Claire, Lucien’s ex-something. You were confused and briefly wondered if this was why they broke up. You moved the rest of the photos and saw what looked like a child's drawing. But it was no simple drawing. It was a plan. You were convinced it looked specifically like how to arrange and cover up a murder. 

Your heart pounded in your chest as you realised you shouldn't be here, that you should get up and leave and pretend this never happened. Surely Lucien couldn't have actually done something like this? Instead, you dug through the remaining papers until you reached the bottom to find a wooden box. You pulled it out as you stood, resting it on the edge of the couch. You took another deep breath and slowly opened the lid.

Guns. Multiple. But only one covered in blood. You gasped, your hand covering your mouth to muffle the sound. 

"Darling?" 

You spun around and the wooden box dropped to the floor with a loud crash, making you jump. Lucien was standing in the doorway in his signature blue robe but his face was blank, dead of all the emotion he usually displayed so freely. He moved slowly into the room toward you and he too dragged his fingers across the velvet chairs. But he made it feel much more menacing, as though he was feigning casualty. 

"My dear, you shouldn't be in here." 

"I-" 

He clicked his tongue, interrupting you. "Now now, there's no need. You've always been a curious one." He looked you over and hummed to himself. Your body ran cold in panic, your ears ringing, and the hairs on your neck and arms stood up, every part of you telling you to run. But you were frozen on the spot. 

"Lucien, what did you do? Claire..." 

"No need to worry about Claire." 

"The man, then?" 

"Ah yes. Nikolai. My pathetic cousin. Betrayed me they both did. But they'll pay... have paid." 

Your eyes widened in horror, and his face turned stern. "You would never betray me though, would you darling?" You swallowed, looking up at him as he closed the distance between you and tenderly stroked your cheek with his thumb. You barely managed to shake your head, afraid to do anything else. You didn't know what he was capable of - if he would suddenly lash out at you and your mind raced with the possibilities of what could happen next.

Lucien sighed, "Well, what are we going to do with you then?"

[jjjosuke]

i wanna hear the story!

thank you for asking <3

this will be long because I’m just having fun documenting my feelings, I’ll bold different sections.

so a little backstory…

I met him in art club at community college in like 2018/2019. I really needed friends as mine had all moved on from the institution and always saw that group hanging out and joined the club even though it was focused on visual arts and I’m not a visual artist.

They were all really nice but this one tall curly haired guy with cool wire wrapping tools and a pretty sketch book caught my eye. I started hanging out with the art club group that hung out after meetings “ended” (when our faculty advisor left and we moved to the cafeteria). Eventually I just started talking to him more and eventually asked if he’d like to hang out sometime and I think got his number.

We go to one of my favorite little cafes. At this point in my life I’m not drinking coffee yet but I would always get a hibiscus berry tea lemonade or a hot chocolate (weather depending). After going once and hanging out for a bit before art club we started going together every week.

We’d walk over to the little cafe together before or after art club every week and just hang out for a bit and chat. I had the biggest crush on him from getting to know him so well. He showed me his art and talked about his programming courses and I shared my poetry with him and complained about stats.

We did this just about every week there was school until that fated extended spring break in 2020. There were a few art club zoom calls we both joined but it wasn’t the same.

and it went on…

We texted every so often, months growing in between where the last time I had reached out was February to ask about a coffee shop near his hometown he had recommended forever ago. We never really texted a lot and we hadn’t seen each other since school. I had graduated and transferred and he paused enrollment.

Then the other night I found out one of my best friends from high school was dating someone I knew from community college and I had the urge to text my old art club friend and I followed it and we texted for a few hours before deciding to get coffee the next day at our old spot.

I drove the 45 minutes from my apartment to struggle to find parking by the cafe. It was hot out. I was nervous. I hadn’t seen him in over two years.

But seeing him was so great. Immediately it felt natural to catch up. Now I drink coffee so I got a latte (a mistake, I had not eaten any food yet) and we sat at a table and talked for a few hours.

The first thing he complimented aside from a general “you look great” were my Rohan earrings so we got to talking about jojo’s and anime which was fun because last we saw each other I wasn’t that into anime aside from ghibli and aot.

We talked music. We showed each other what we’d recently had on repeat. We talked little details and just catching up. It was nice. When the cafe was getting ready to close in the afternoon we decided to walk around. We’d never really done that before.

How much of a crush I had had on him really hit me. I still liked him. He was so easy to talk to even when I felt awkward and anxious.

We walked and looked at the street art and talked about the city. We looked for a place to sit but couldn’t find one and my parking was going to run out soon.

Where I fumbled it…

When I went to say goodbye and leave I couldn’t tell if he was going for a hug or an arm touch or what so I turned a little two abruptly out of the caffeine anxiety. I feel like I should’ve waited with him for his Uber but I was very anxious and he had a declined a ride home from me.

Later….

We texted that afternoon and evening and both seemed to be on the same page that we had a really great time and wanted to hang out again sometime and plan something for after our coffee next time. He asked how soon I’d like to and when I told him since I like hanging out with him whenever is fine with me he proposed two different dates at the end of the week but they just so happened to be the days I go back to work. Currently waiting on my full work schedule to make plans before he leaves for a camping trip.

now…

I had texted him about a music thing the next day and we talked a bit more about music and he sent me a playlist :) I made one for him too. I had had this guy in my phone for years and he didn’t have a contact photo so I asked if he could send me one and while he was on break at work he got three or his friends to send him their favorite pic of him and he sent them to me to choose from and aaa I finally have picture to show my roommate so they don’t think I’m insane (he has no social media and they wanted to see what he looks like).

I really hope we get to hang again soon :)

[whentherewerebicycles]

y’all we all survived almost 10 hours on zoom. the students did SO freaking well and were SO generously, warmly, open-heartedly engaged in each other’s presentations, and it was just really really really moving to see that we actually did manage to build a genuinely supportive little community despite never meeting each other face to face. good lord this has been a long year. my own life/job experience has been extraordinarily cushy compared to many people’s, but it has still really worn on me to feel so disconnected from the parts of teaching that energize me & challenge me to grow. i really wanted to do this symposium because i thought it would be important for the kids to get to share their work with each other, but i wasn’t expecting it to make ME feel so tearful and grateful and human again. i am someone who really struggles when i feel disconnected from Meaningful Work, and as a result this past year i’ve felt so adrift and purposeless for long stretches of time. but i think that getting to see their projects assembled together this weekend (and getting to watch them have all these wonderful, supportive conversations with each other) helped me realize that i really have done intellectually and emotionally meaningful work this year, even if the circumstances of zoom teaching and advising made it much harder than usual to see/feel that along the way.

and it was also really affirming to have my boss there to see the entire thing! she was one of my grad school mentors/advisors (so she’s known me for almost a decade) and is one of the teachers i admire most. she tapped me for this position two years ago even though i worried that i didn’t have the skills or experience to do it effectively. i was kind of right lol but i also have worked really really hard over the past two years to learn the things i didn’t know how to do and to become the kind of person who could do this job effectively. and i’ve done it. i took a program that had no real structure, no clear sense of its own purpose, and no mechanisms for actually teaching students to do the kind of work we expected them to do, and i completely overhauled it (a couple times over!) and built an entirely new program from scratch. the year before i came, only one student out of eight finished their project; my first year when i took over unexpectedly in the fall, only four out of eight (pandemic didn’t help); and this year (the first year with a fully implemented new curriculum and new mentoring structures), sixteen out of sixteen will finish.

that is 1000000% a testament to the creativity and resilience of our students in this hell year. but seeing their work today i could also see how the program structures i built and the guidance i provided gave students the foundation and the tools they needed to do this work successfully. and my boss just could not stop talking during the breaks and after the symposium about how night-and-day the change was from the program’s beginnings to now. i feel like as you get further along in professional life you have fewer opportunities to get external feedback or validation. and that’s mostly good, i think! because it forces you to consciously develop your own ability to assess where you started and what you’ve learned and how much you’ve grown! but also, let’s be real, sometimes it still feels sooooooo nice to have someone you really respect look at the hard work you’ve done and say “holy shit. YOU DID GOOD.”

anyway i am sorry to always be talking about my Glorious Successes lol but 1) it’s MY public diary i am allowed!!!, and 2) this is an important part of my year-end rituals! i believe with my whole heart that teachers need to take time to let themselves really look at the work they’ve done and let themselves feel the good feelings. it is such stupidly (and wonderfully) emotional work, and we pour so much of ourselves into it, and LORD there are so many small defeats and embarrassments in the day-to-day practice of teaching, and sometimes the care and effort we put into it goes unrecognized by others or doesn’t seem to be making an immediate difference in anyone’s life. teaching can feel, and can be, so tough and self-defeating. so i think it is important to say aloud: i worked hard. i learned a lot. i took risks. i persevered through frustrating or depressing situations that could’ve defeated me. i built important, emotionally meaningful relationships with students. i strengthened my trust in my own skills and in my ability to figure out the things i don’t know how to do. i did work that aligned with my core values and was meaningful, both to me and to other people. i spend like, 97% of my time and energy at work trying to set aside my own ego so that i can be fully present with/for students, listening deeply and asking questions and creating learning environments where they can arrive at answers for themselves. and i love that work! but it is also okay and right to take time/space in my non-work life to recenter myself as a learner, and to recognize and celebrate my own learning in the same way i celebrate my students’.

[elvish-sky]

tw: panic attacks, anxiety.

i’m ranting below the cut, feel free not to read

i’m sorry for putting this on here i just need to let it out it’s been a really awful day

so i haven’t been getting panic attacks for very long, nine months at most, but i went to my doctor and some other specialists in December and they told me that those are panic attacks and confirmed my anxiety. i also don’t get panic attacks super often, and until today i hadn’t had one in almost two months which was amazing. i also don’t know too much about them yet, i wasn’t fully aware that i really needed help until today. so i’m sorry if this sounds bad or offensive these are my experiences.

but then today happened. i had a math quiz, which was preceded by a dream last night where i missed the quiz because my teacher forgot to start the zoom meeting(i’m the only remote student in the class) and i woke up sobbing.

and i was fine after a while, morning classes were good, i felt well prepared for it after studying a ton, etc. and then it was time for class.

i’ve always had a lot of anxiety around timing and being late and all that.

my teacher didn’t start the zoom. i started to panic. by the time he opened the zoom i was crying and when i finally got the quiz printed i was sobbing and shaking. but i had to take it. so i did. but i was so panicked that my mind just went blank and i couldn’t even remember how to solve the simple equations. i tried to collect myself and i finished the quiz but there are literal tear stains on my quiz because i sobbed, like full, body shaking sobs, for the forty minute quiz.

i got a C. 

i know that’s not horrible, but it’s really bad for me in this class because i’ve been working with a tutor for months and i felt so good about this quiz so i’m crushed.

so i’m contacting my school’s counselor tomorrow (who’s also my volleyball coach so i trust him) and setting up sessions to help with the anxiety and panic attacks.

and my advisor is talking to my math teacher. he’s super rigid about time and i’ve gotten in trouble for being a minute late to class before so him starting the meeting five minutes late should be something he should not get me in trouble for. and i’m hoping he gives me a retake for this, but he probably won’t.

backstory on my teacher, he’s a really big asshole who forgets about me a lot and doesn’t care that i can’t come to campus because i’m not vaccinated, he thinks i should suck it up and that i’m being selfish to not come to campus. and that i’m making too much work for him. so he probably won’t give me a retake. and i’ll probably have a C in the class.

and i wouldn’t be this upset about it if i hadn’t studied. but i worked my ass off and learned this material back to front. my panic attack just left me blank.

so therapy starts soon. i hope. and i’m gonna do well on my next quiz. i hope. anyways. rant over. thanks if you read this.

[morningfears]

Nontraditional Graduation

Rating: PG

Summary: Calum feels bad that you have to miss graduation so he takes it upon himself to give you the best nontraditional graduation he can. || ((The class of 2020′s graduation isn’t exactly looking like the traditional graduation and as a member of that class, I was a little upset about it. So, here’s my take on a comfort fic.))

Word Count: 2.8k

Quarantine was, for lack of a better word, strange.

There were parts of it, namely spending your days with Calum and Duke in some sort of domestic fantasy, making up for lost time, that were almost nice. Not having to leave your home and go out into the world was almost nice, too. Under any other circumstances, you would’ve relished in these things. However, life felt a bit surreal and reality weighed heavily on your shoulders.

The street you lived on was never busy but as neighbors hunkered down and waited, the street (and city itself) was quiet. You saw the occasional neighbor out for a walk, never straying too far from their own home, and the mail carrier making their rounds but the streets felt eerily quiet. Life, understandably, felt like a movie that was placed on pause in March and forgotten about. 

Time had always felt like a stable concept, something dependable and easy to count on, but it no longer felt that way as days passed with seemingly no rhyme or reason. Four in the morning felt no different than four in the afternoon, Monday no different than Friday. If it weren’t for Calum’s weekly video chats with the boys - on Thursdays, of course, as Thursdays were for the boys -, you were afraid that you wouldn’t even know what day it was.

Before quarantine began, you’d been good about keeping your schedule written in a planner. Your work schedule was always there, right beside your class schedule, and your assignment due dates were even color-coded. It was helpful, a way to keep your hectic life in some sort of balance, and you’d managed to keep up with it for the first few weeks of quarantine. However, all of your organization flew out the window as the fatigue and discomfort of the situation really began to set in.

March and April had come and gone without so much as an indication of their passing and May’s arrival hit you much harder than you imagined it would.

Thankfully, your final semester of college was a light one. You’d planned it that way from the beginning, thanks to your advisor, and had ensured yourself a light course load that was supposed to leave you with time to job hunt and hang out with friends before everyone inevitably went their separate ways. You were grateful to your past self for that decision as you’d only had a few short Zoom meetings and a handful of easy assignments to submit in the month and a half between spring break and graduation.

If you were honest with yourself, graduation was something that you’d been looking forward to since August. It was a major achievement and you were excited to walk across the platform and gather the degree you’d busted your ass to earn. You and your friends had taken cliche photos in front of campus landmarks with a silly sign that read ‘Last First Day’ before classes began and had planned to make one that read ‘Now what?’ for after the ceremony. Your more artistic friends agreed to help decorate graduation caps, something you’d been looking forward to, and you’d even planned a Disney trip for the weekend before so that you could take photos in your cap and gown.

To make things even better, Calum had been able to book a later flight than the others so that he could stay in LA long enough for your graduation before heading out on tour with you by his side.

On paper, your plans were picture perfect. Everything felt like it was falling into place, like it was meant to be, and you were beyond excited. You were ready for something, anything, to celebrate the hard work you’d put in over the years - the late nights holed up in the library, studying and writing; the breakdowns over grades; the stress from trying your best to earn a degree.

But the universe had other plans.

You’d been the realistic one of your friends, cancelling plans and coming to terms with the fact that you most likely wouldn’t get a graduation the moment stay-at-home orders were announced, and spent the majority of your time trying to stay positive. There was nothing you could do to change what was happening and you knew that the cancellations were happening for the best.

Everyone was safer at home.

However, the positivity came at a price. Every time a negative emotion began to bubble, you swallowed it. Whenever you felt sad that you would no longer have late night dinners with friends after a rough class, whenever you felt disappointed that you had to cancel a road trip or a Disney trip, whenever you felt hurt that you wouldn’t get a graduation ceremony despite the hard work you put in to earn your degree, you bit them all back and reminded yourself that things could be worse.

You didn’t allow yourself to feel the emotions that were festering beneath the surface because they made you feel guilty. Feeling anything other than grateful for your health and comfort in the fact that you knew this situation wouldn’t make you or break you lodged an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach so you avoided those thoughts altogether.

However, as desperately as you avoided the negative thoughts for yourself, you were quick to comfort your loved ones and encourage them to experience their emotions fully. Calum, especially.

You knew that he was heartbroken - as were the others - that their plans for the album had had to change so drastically, so quickly. They’d all been so excited, so ready to release the album they’d put so much of themselves into, and things came to a grinding halt. You knew that they were devastated that the release of such a personal album had to be under such conditions. They couldn’t celebrate with the fans and, even worse, they couldn’t celebrate with one another.

Calum never complained but he did acknowledge his feelings. He talked openly, to you, about how disappointed he was that things were going the way they were even though he understood it all. He got it off his chest and moved on. You understood, he’d worked hard and deserved to have the album release they’d all been planning for. You told him as much in the days immediately surrounding the release, words of comfort leaving your lips as you ran your fingers through the blonde curls you were praying he kept.

And that was why he was completely and utterly baffled when he learned that you didn’t feel you deserved the same.

You’d never outright told him that you were upset about having to cancel your travel or that graduation was cancelled - in fact, you’d joked that you were glad because it meant you didn’t have to deal with crowds or packing - but he could tell just how much it was hurting you. You avoided bringing up those topics yourself and when you only offered enough words to move past them in a conversation, he learned to leave them alone. He could tell that you felt guilty for feeling sad and it broke his heart.

You’d worked so hard for graduation, for the things that were coming after, and to see you trying to pretend that it didn’t matter that they were cancelled worried him.

You were upset, more so than he realized, and he wanted to do something to make your nontraditional graduation a little easier on you. You’d been so kind and understanding when he was upset over the album release, when your friends were upset over their own cancelled plans, and to him, graduating college was an astounding accomplishment that deserved a celebration.

So, with the help of friends, he set out to make it a day that you would never forget.

Distracting you in order to set up for the impromptu graduation ceremony and party he was planning was much easier than he’d imagined it would be. You forgot that it was even supposed to be your graduation day - to be fair, you’d forgotten what day it was generally - until the calls from your family started rolling in.

You spent your morning on the phone, thanking relatives for their well wishes, but as everyone lamented the loss of a traditional ceremony on your behalf, he could tell that even though they meant well, the calls weren’t exactly helpful.

He knew that you didn’t want to talk about it, not yet,  and that you wanted to be alone so he encouraged you to go for a walk with Duke around the neighborhood. He sent you off with a kiss and he was glad to see that you felt better when you returned thirty minutes later. Your shoulders were lifted and your eyes were lighter as you watched Duke settle onto the couch for a nap after his adventure but your movements were still sluggish as you wandered around the house in search of something - anything - to entertain you.

In an effort to keep you out of the backyard for just a little longer, he guided you to the couch and encouraged you to take a nap with Duke, to cuddle up and watch television - binge something now that you were officially done with school and had time to properly enjoy it without the guilt of putting off schoolwork. It was easy, getting you to settle in, and he felt his heart break slightly as he watched you fight tears.

He took a little over an hour to finish decorating the backyard, each piece of his elaborate plan falling into place finally, before he returned to the living room. The first thing that Calum saw was you, curled up on the couch beneath a heavy blanket a friend had given you for Christmas, with Duke lying on your stomach and tears in your eyes as you watched a scene that would have pulled a few tears from you, already sad or not.

He bit back a laugh, both at your emotional investment in the show and at Duke’s annoyed huff as you made a noise at the scene, before he crossed the living room and kneeled down beside the couch. He waited a second, just until the credits began to roll, before pausing the television and nudging your shoulder.

“You okay, love?”

His words were soft, quiet in the still air of the living room, and he knew that the answer was no but, as expected, you nodded. “I’ve never seen this episode. All the good characters are leaving the show,” you answered, a pout on your lips as you shifted to glance at him.

He smiled, a barely there quirk of his lips, and shook his head before he stood from beside the couch and offered you his hand. “Come on, let’s get some fresh air. Give you time to process those feelings before you start another episode,” he teased, a grin on his lips as he watched you lift Duke and place him back onto the blanket as soon as you were out from under it.

“I don’t want to keep watching but I’m too invested in the story to stop now,” you mumbled, your voice muffled as you wrapped your arm around Calum’s and leaned into his side.

“You want me to hate watch it with you? I’ve been told my commentary’s excellent.”

“Your commentary is excellent, when it’s directed at the boys and not my television shows. Only I’m allowed to make fun of how bad it is. Deep down, I still love it,” you defended, a laugh leaving your lips as you followed Calum out into the backyard. He stopped, right by the door, and it took you a moment longer than it should have to notice. But when you finally lifted your head, confused as to why he’d paused before you made it to the swing, you were awed by what you saw.

The backyard had been transformed. Calum’s laptop sat on the table near the swing, a Zoom call open with the boys and family - both yours and his -, and beside it sat a box from your favorite bakery. There were balloons and string lights and shiny black and gold confetti littering the area and it brought tears to your eyes as you took in the amount of work Calum had done to give you some kind of celebration.

“It’s not the same, I know,” he began, gently tugging you closer to the setup, “but you deserve a celebration. You worked hard for your degree and I’m sorry you don’t get a traditional ceremony but we’re all really proud of you. Is this okay?”

It was hard to answer his question with the tears threatening to spill so you nodded and threw your arms around his neck in a tight hug. “Thank you,” you whispered, your voice low as you tried to fight your emotions, and Calum nodded his acknowledgement as he gave you a smile.

Although it wasn’t the traditional ceremony, far from it, the graduation that you got was one that you knew you’d never forget. Your families didn’t stay long, only long enough to watch Calum hand you a rolled up piece of paper with a wide grin and for you to toss your cap into the air after turning your tassel, but the boys and their respective girls - and Mali - stuck around after to celebrate.

“We’re all really proud of you,” Ashton commented, a smile on his lips as he watched the others nod their agreement. “You’ve worked really hard and this isn’t the party we wanted to throw you but it’ll have to do for now. It was really inspiring to watch you put your all into getting your degree and all of your hard work has paid off.  I’m excited to see what you do next because I know it’s going to be amazing. Congratulations!”

“When we’re allowed to see each other again, we’ll do something fun,” Michael agreed, “but for now, just know that we knew you’d get your degree and put us dropouts to shame.” Michael’s comment was teasing, he had a grin on his lips as he raised his drink in a toast, and Calum muttered a faux-offended ‘hey!’ by your side. “Seriously, we’re really proud of you and happy for you. Congratulations!”

“I don’t know what I can say that they haven’t already said,” Luke laughed, “but it’s worth repeating that this is an accomplishment and we’re really proud of you. You did it! You graduated college! I’m not going to ask what your plans are now because no one has any plans right now but I know that whatever you do next, you’ll do it just as well. Congratulations!”

You leaned into Calum’s side, a wide smile on your lips, as you watched them all toast to your graduation. It was surreal, celebrating such an event via video call, but you were grateful for your friends as they all shared stories and jokes with the goal of making you laugh in mind. You spent nearly two hours chatting with them, your mood lifting significantly, before it came time to end the call.

When the last person was gone, Calum turned to you and offered a sincere smile. “I hope that made missing graduation at least a little easier. I know it was hard on you but you achieved something amazing and I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you,” you repeated, your heart light for the first time in weeks. “I was really upset about having to miss the ceremony but I think this more than makes up for it. Except I’ll be really glad to get my actual diploma, not a-“ you paused, taking a quick glance at the paper Calum had used, “oh my god, Cal! Not an instruction booklet that came with your awful wifi router.”

“Hey, it was the only paper I could find,” he defended, laughing just as hard as you as he realized what he’d handed you in lieu of your diploma. “But I’m glad this was a suitable stand-in. Michael was joking but it really is impressive. I dropped out of high school and here you are, getting your degree. You never let anything get in the way of achieving your goal and I’m really proud of you for working so hard.”

“I love you, you know that?”

“I do,” Calum nodded, a soft smile on his lips as you leaned in closer to him, “and I love you, too. Congratulations, love.”

In the end, you never could’ve predicted your graduation would end up turning out this way but the love and support from your friends and family, and from Calum, made your nontraditional graduation one that you would never forget.

___________________________________________________

Author’s Note: Yesterday should’ve been my graduation day. I technically did receive my MA but there was no ceremony. Even though I’ve already experienced one college graduation, having to miss this one hit me really hard and I spent yesterday in a bit of a funk. But, as I said, I’ve already had one college graduation so I consider myself lucky. To the class of 2020 experiencing their first graduation, I’m really sorry things didn’t turn out the way you were expecting. Just know that everyone is incredibly proud of you and it’s okay to be sad that you didn’t get a ceremony. I hope this is at least a little comforting. This isn’t the best but my mental health has been on the decline, as has my writing. I, of course, don’t mean to make light of the situation. I understand why graduations were cancelled,  I really do. But I still felt a loss and know that I’m not alone. So, to the class of 2020, congratulations and good luck on your future endeavors. I believe in you!

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