#been stuck at the same amount of followers for months and it feels like whatever i do to try and keep this blog active isnt working so

[seeingivy]

sharing

ryomen sukuna x f!reader

**part of my best friend's older brother fic

previous part linked here

--

things change slightly in the weeks that follow. 

according to your mom, who called you very upset on a tuesday afternoon, your dad had apparently decided to stay in town until the end of the month – and on very strict orders from sukuna and possibly any shred of self-preservation that you had in you – you weren’t going to be going back until he was gone for good. 

messages from sammy were few and infrequent, except for whenever she got drunk – something she very clearly got from your mom. always the same message, deeply apologetic and regretful, and it somehow was very slowly melting whatever it was that happened at the funeral. 

or it was just one of those things. 

she was your sister – she was blunt, a little harsh at times, but well meaning. or at least trying to be. but she was still your sister and for some reason, you were just going to get over it, in the real way, without thinking twice. 

but you do realize that it was too naive to think that years of butting heads and stepping on each other’s toes wasn’t going to go away just because you had decided to be friends and sang kumbaya while buying lingerie. 

that much should have been obvious though, since sukuna and yuuji had done their version of that years prior, and yet still had the meltdown they did a few months ago. it was always one of those complicated things you figured – growing up in the same house, being competition, stuck in admiration or hatred. 

the family business, one that sukuna and yuuji both refused to ever be a part of, has fallen at the seams. and while sukuna has no intention of ever working there – much to satoru’s delight – he’s fixing the mess of the finances that were left behind for all of the employees and the stipends that he were going to help his mom. 

meaning he has to go back to town. the town that you refuse to return to for the time being. and he won’t let you accompany him.   

and it’s in the week that he disappears that you wonder if you’re starting to be too codependent. if it’s normal for you to miss someone this amount, to worry about him so much, to the point where he occupies your every thought. 

he tries to call when he can. sometimes they’re a few in between because you know that he’s spending time with his mom, that he doesn’t like being home, that whatever it all is – it’s stressful and he hates it. 

your mom sends you a picture of him once in a while. sometimes you stare at it for a little too long. 

“hi sweet girl. how are you?” 

his voice sounds tired over the phone, the smallest hint of a rasp tinged in with the strained tone. 

“i’m okay, ryo. how are you?” 

sukuna can feel his heart sink at the nickname. at the fact that you use nicknames, terms of endearment, and he hasn’t heard them in days. 

“good, good. are you getting ready for bed?” sukuna asks. 

“yeah.” 

there’s a quiet beat. maybe you should have been more descriptive than that. that was a little flat. 

“is that fucking gel cat strawberry in the spot next to you?” 

you smile. 

“it’s a jelly cat. and yes, it is.” 

“enjoy it while it lasts. i’m going to throw it out the window when i get back.” 

“you’re so rude.” 

he laughs over the line and you can’t help but sigh before immediately regretting it. 

you wonder if he sleeps well. or if he laughs often with the moms or if he’s just run in different directions trying to make sure they’re all okay. 

“oh don’t break my heart, now. you miss me, sweetheart?” he murmurs. 

you can tell by the tone in the voice that he’s trying to coddle you. you almost want to give in just to hear him sweet talk you down. 

“yeah. gets real scary here without you.” you joke

“is that right?” 

“not actually. but you know like right before you go to sleep and the house creaks? i panic for one second and then decide that i should send a prayer out to the universe so i don’t die before falling asleep.” 

“always one for the dramatics.” 

“i know. i’m sure it always creaks but i’ve always shared a room – either with sammy or with mai across the way who was always blasting music. and you snore, so i never even not–” 

“i don’t snore.” 

“yes, you do.” 

“no, i don’t.” 

“i will admit. while it does take me some time to fall asleep, i’ve never slept so soundly with you gone. it’s so serene.” 

you know for a fact that sukuna’s rolling his eyes on the other side of the line. 

“wow, sweetheart. i should just do you a favor and stay here longer then.” 

“every night i wake up in a panic without you! i’ll never sleep again!” you joke. 

sukuna laughs. 

“that sounds about right. but really…i…i’ll be back soon, okay? i don’t like being away for so long.” he murmurs quietly. 

you frown. 

“don’t feel bad. you know you have to be there.” 

“i don’t feel bad. well, maybe i do a little but i mainly just fucking miss you.” he mumbles. 

you smile. 

“sap.” 

you pause. 

“i miss you too, you know?” 

“i was waiting for that. give me a little more.” he responds. 

you smile. mainly at the fact that he expresses what he wants so openly. or that he misses it just as much as you do. 

“i miss you a lot. it feels so weird to sleep in our bed without you that i fall asleep on the fold out couch.” 

sukuna scoffs. 

“you mean you fall asleep watching tv and don’t move because i’m not there to pick you up?” 

“yeah, more like that.” 

sukuna laughs. 

“sleep in the guest.” 

“ew. it smells like yuuji and megumi’s cologne. and while they smell great, i don’t like smelling like them when i wake up.” 

“does our bed smell like me?” he asks. 

“yeah but i prefer the real thing so i sleep on the couch. i refuse to elaborate.” 

sukuna gets it. 

“i’ll be back soon, okay? i’m almost done and then…then i’m running back to you, alright?” he whispers. 

“okay. i do have something planned this weekend for your birthday, but don’t stress about it. it won’t be anything big.” 

sukuna pauses. 

he forgot that his birthday was coming around. 

he would be lying if he was saying that he wasn’t looking forward to it. he supposes that he was your opposite in that way. since no matter what it was, the circumstances good or bad, your birthday had been soured so bad that nothing could make it good – not even him. 

he didn’t blame you. or even take it personally.  

but he couldn’t relate. because he knew you – and it wasn’t arrogant of him to assume that you were going to go all out, no matter the circumstances. not only did you have a bad habit of leaving tabs or notes that were very clearly labeled gift ideas out in the open, but he knew that you would do something special for him, that he’d get to chart in all of the cherished memories that he had with you. 

it would be another sour patch of his that you’d sew right over, with careful and steady hands. but with every milestone that he thought of now, it was bittersweet. 

first birthday with you. first birthday without his dad – not that it really meant much in the first place. 

“no parties.” sukuna clarifies. 

“no, it’ll actually be just you and me. and i think you’ll like it, you–” 

“i’ll love it.” 

you smile. 

“i love you.” you state. 

he’s quiet on the other side of the line. 

“sukuna?” 

“i want to say it back but the moms are staring at me.” he mumbles quietly.

you smirk. 

“say it.” 

“no.” 

“you’re going to let me go to bed without an i love you?” 

“i’ll text it to you.” 

“ryomen sukuna. tell me you love me.” 

sukuna sighs. 

“i love you. call me if you can’t sleep, okay?” 

you can hear giggling in the background. and you’re sure he’s three different shades of pink. 

“i will.” 

--

not even an hour later, yuuji is standing on your doorstep – with a peachy smile and a bag slung over his shoulder. 

“yuuji? you–” 

“sleepover!” 

he walks past you and falls straight onto the couch, placing his bag next to him as he reaches for the remote. you quickly shut the door and take the spot next to him, watching as he starts shuffling through the movies, so cavalier about barging in so late and unannounced. 

“do you always show up to people’s apartment’s unprovoked with all your things?” 

yuuji smiles, reaching forward to flick your forehead. 

“no, just for you.” 

“figures.” 

you watch as he flits through all of the movies, nestling his head into your shoulder, as you return the gesture and lean your cheek against his. it takes two seconds for you to figure it out. 

“did he call you?” you ask. 

“he did. said some weird stuff about tables and carrying stuff. pretty sure he was just asking me to keep you company, which don’t mind if i do.” yuuji responds. 

you smile. of course. 

“i made one half joke about how i don’t like to sleep alone and he sent you running.” 

“isn’t that sweet? i can tell he’s been thinking about you a lot.” yuuji responds. 

you lean back, giving him a confused look. and you can tell by the look on his face that he knows exactly what you’re trying to get at, but pretends otherwise. 

“what? it’s sweet! he asked me to come take care of you.” yuuji clarifies. 

“since when do you find him sweet? no lecture about how he thinks i can’t handle things on my own?” 

yuuji scoffs, before pressing on the princess diaries. 

“you can’t take care of anything on your own.” 

“what a vote of confidence.” you deadpan

yuuji sighs, as you watch the movie start, and both sink deeper into the couch. a telltale sign that you realize both sukuna and yuuji have – one that you deeply appreciate – is that they’re always careful with their words. 

the opposite of sammy really, of your dad too. they won’t talk until they know whatever they’re going to say is something they mean. 

“you can take care of things on your own. but i like that being with him means that you don’t have to sometimes. for both of you.” yuuji states. 

you smile. 

“i like that too. it’s a nice change.” you respond. 

“i’m really sorry, y/n.” 

“i know.” 

yuuji swallows hard, reaching for the remote and pausing the movie before he turns to your side, your limbs now a tangled mess of being criss-crossed as he leans forward. 

“really. i’ve been so shit to you when this is all i’ve ever wanted for you.” 

“it’s okay. this…this stuff is really complicated for you and…” 

yuuji shakes his head, before looking down at your joined hands, fingers interlocked together. 

“this isn’t any excuse but…but…” 

yuuji sighs. 

“when sukuna came back, i thought he was really different. i mean, he was really different. i don’t know what you noticed, but he came back softer. he always gave me my space and let me come to him and we were working back through all of our stuff together.” yuuji starts. 

you’re not sure if you noticed a difference after he came back. he always seemed the same as always – a little withholding, like he was keeping you at arms distance. though, that seems to make more sense to you now. 

“but he’s still the brother i grew up with. there’s still things that i’m sensitive to, that…that i can’t get over.” 

you feel a pang in your chest. 

“i get that. you know…i kind of get that with sammy sometimes.” 

yuuji frowns. 

“yeah?” he whispers. 

you can feel the bitter contempt in your chest lingering. 

“i don’t know. i thought things were going well but…sometimes it’s just the same things as before. she’s just…always brushing me off. so harsh with her words. sometimes i think about the funeral and i’m glad sukuna’s not here just so i can lock myself in here and be alone.” 

you shake your head. 

“it’s like she’s picking at a scab. it’s the one thing i don’t want her to do and it’s the one thing that always happens. and she’s the only person who has that power in the first place, who…who gets to be that sore spot. and i know that it’s just how it is and it’s complicated but…” 

“but you can’t.” yuuji finishes. 

you shrug. 

“you were my scab.” yuuji states. 

you curl your nose in disgust, looking up to find the same expression mirrored on his face before you both laugh. 

“real cute.” 

“i mean…my thing with sukuna was that he was always better than me in every respect. that…that everything he did was perfect, that…that he was born normal and i wasn’t.” 

you cringe. 

“you are normal, you..” 

yuuji smiles. 

“i know i am. i just mean in my head, i always figured things were so easy for him. school was easy, sports were easy. he liked girls – he’d never have to sit there and debate if he was ever going to meet someone who liked him and when if he did, he wouldn’t have to give up his entire family for it.” 

yuuji pauses. 

“you were my best friend. you are my best friend. you’re my thing that’s always been easy. we don’t really fight, spending time with you never gets old, and…and really, you’re the only person i’ve known will always be around.” 

you smile. 

“it just felt like another thing he was going to be better at than me. and it’s selfish, but it was something i didn’t want to share. and i don’t expect you to get it, but…” 

you scoff. 

“don’t expect me to get it? you’re forgetting that i was the one who had to learn how to share you first. and maybe i didn’t say it out loud, but…i had some evil monologues for megumi that i was cooking up in my head.” 

yuuji laughs, almost like he’s relieved. 

“really?” 

“trust me. there was an entire basis behind the petty comments that i was making. i should have been more open with it but…but i don’t hate you for feeling that way. if anything, it makes me kind of happy, i guess. it did feel like you forgot all about me once you guys started dating, but…it’s nice to know you feel that way still. about me. even if it was annoying.” 

you pause. 

“you and i are special. and i can’t speak for you, but…sukuna’s never going to be what you are for me. i love him, but you…you’re not someone who could ever be replaced.” you affirm. 

yuuji smiles. 

“and megumi isn’t what you are for me either. he’s the love of my life. but you’re always going to be my soulmate.” 

you smile, rolling over the word in your head. soulmate – you and yuuji were soulmates. and he leans forward, placing his hands on your shoulder and squeezing. 

“now go on. tell me about him.” 

“what?” you ask. 

“i know you want to tell me about how happy you are. how it makes you feel. and i want to hear it. just refrain from talking about like how big his dick is or whatever and i’ll be fine.” 

you smile. 

“really? you mean it?” 

yuuji smiles back. 

“i’ve unfortunately heard the entire story of what that asshole was doing to you after the fact. it would make me really happy to hear how happy you are now.” 

you lean back on the couch and explain it all to him – french toast, bridgerton mugs (which he winces at when he remembers sammy broke them), emails, his coworkers, kisa, and everything in between. 

you don’t hear the apartment creak at night when you go to bed – instead it’s his labored breaths next to yours. 

--

sukuna makes it back early in the morning to find yuuji making breakfast in the kitchen and what he knows is you facedown still dead asleep in the mound of blankets on the couch. he gives yuuji a noncommittal wave before walking over to the couch and bending down at the side. 

sukuna can’t help but reach forward, brushing his back of his fingers against the softness of your cheek before tangling your hair away from your forehead. he can smell the remnants of the shampoo in your hair, your lips still a glossy pink from the balm you put on at night. 

“wake her up. give her a kiss.” yuuji whispers, now standing at his side. 

“are you crazy? she’s sleeping.” 

sukuna shakes his head, reaching forward to press a kiss to your hairline, before the two of them shuffle back to the kitchen. sukuna settles for a cup of coffee as he watches yuuji make the mix of french toast, the stillness hanging in the air between them. 

“dunno. if it were me and i went days without seeing megumi, i’d wake him up right away. why deprive myself of love and affection?” 

“you should deprive yourself more often. i’ve seen you two kiss far too many times. heard the words gumi bear way more than i’d like to.” 

yuuji snorts. 

“was she happy you came?” sukuna asks. 

“yeah. doubt she heard any of that creaking or anything she was telling you about since we were talking the entire time.” yuuji responds. 

it’s a small breath of relief – that sending yuuji was the right move – only to be coupled with guilt. 

sukuna hadn’t had time to check in on yuuji. 

“what did you talk about?” 

yuuji grins. 

“you.” 

yuuji looks over at him, grinning at him fully this time. 

“special edition bridgerton mugs? twilight themed emails? who knew you were so fucking corny? and that you watch bridgerton?” 

sukuna can feel his cheeks heat up, as he rolls his eyes. 

“she loves that shit. she made me watch it.” 

“no, she didn’t. she told me that you had watched it already and that your favorite season is the first one? not only are you a liar but you have god awful taste.” 

“let me guess. you like kate and anthony, like every other person on the fucking planet?” 

yuuji rolls his eyes. 

“everyone likes it for a reason. it’s perfect.” 

the two of them glare at each other, before giving up, and letting the same stillness take over. it’s not exactly uncomfortable, but there’s something lingering there – the two of them are stuck in their own heads about how they’re going to approach it, and more importantly, who is going to do it first. 

it’s yuuji. 

“the mugs thing is sweet. i’m sorry sammy broke them.” 

sukuna shrugs. 

“i’m bidding on ebay. no big deal.” 

yuuji notes that he responds to the second part of the statement and not the first. 

“i like that you do nice things for her. she really appreciates that you do.” yuuji repeats. 

 sukuna sighs. 

“did she say that?” 

yuuji smiles. 

“all that and more. she really loves you.” 

sukuna lets his eyes wander back to the couch, settling back into how foreign the apartment feels from being away for so long, and trying to let it all come back to him – how it was before he left things, how the two of you were. 

he’s scared he’ll do it wrong. 

“I’m really happy for you too. she’s exactly what you deserve.” yuuji states. 

it’s a weird sense of deja vu that sukuna gets – of the very first night. that loud bar, the mildew smell in the bathroom, and your tear streaked pink face. of the very first time that it occurred to him that there were people who had upset you, who had let you down, and that maybe he was the only person who was good enough for you – because he was the only one who intended to give you what you deserve. 

that he got to reap the goodness of the sweet love when he knew for a fact that he’d always be one to give it back to you, no matter how he was. that he was exactly what you deserved – maybe the only person who was because of how much he loved you. 

“what?” 

yuuji takes a beat. 

“were you expecting the opposite?” yuuji asks. 

“do you blame me?” 

yuuji shakes his head. 

“i am really happy for both of you. but i wouldn’t lie if i said i was more happy for you. i’ve known her a long time – and i’ve always wanted her to have someone who saw her for how special she is. and i always knew that it would happen, it was just a matter of time.” 

yuuji continues. 

“but i’m more happy for you. i had no idea that you had liked her for that long. i only now realize that the only person you could be that open with is her. and well…i don’t fucking know. shit sucked when we were kids. maybe for all of us, but for you the most. i know she loves hard. and i mean it, that’s what you deserve after everything.” 

there’s a lump in sukuna’s throat. he wants to tell yuuji everything – about why he left, about how him being around made it easy for him for a long time, how there was a time where he didn’t think he was going to live past twenty and now he’s reaching yet another birthday on the weekend. 

“i spent my entire life thinking i’d never get to be in love. and i’m not sure if that’s what you thought – but i know you weren’t ever thinking you’d get the girl of your dreams, and that on top of that, that it would be perfect. but really. it’s nothing more than what you deserve, sukuna.” 

but all he does is give him a nod. yuuji’s smart enough to parse what it means – that in the long rambling that he heard last night – he knows he has to learn how to read the silences, the quiet cues. 

“it means a lot to her that you came around.” sukuna starts. 

sukuna clears his throat. 

“and to me too.” he finishes. 

yuuji smiles. 

“and i suppose i should thank you. i always said she was like family to me, but it’ll be nice to tell people she’s actually my sister in the future.” yuuji responds, before squeezing his shoulder. 

sukuna smiles. 

“do you really let her call you ryomen?” yuuji asks. 

“yeah.” 

“thought you hated that name.” 

“i did.” 

there’s a reason that he went by sukuna. because every time that he slipped, he’d hear that godwful venomous voice, of his father telling him that he had given him such a special family name – and that sukuna had done nothing to deserve it. 

sukuna vividly remembers when he was a kid, when he used to beg everyone around him to call him sukuna, correcting them until they virtually forgot that his name was ryomen in the first pace. 

sukuna can feel the dryness in his throat, accompanied with a burning wetness in his eyes. yuuji makes no comment about it. 

“she just says it with so much love.” 

sukuna pauses, trying to will away that rising wave of emotion that was simmering in his chest, and put it away for the time being. 

“what did she get me for my birthday?” sukuna asks. 

yuuji nods. 

“she’s taking you on a weekend trip. a few cities over. she said there’s some cherry blossoms in season and that there’s a few museums that she wants you to see. figured it would be a nice rest for you given everything that’s been going on.” 

sukuna sighs, only because the wave comes back in full force. 

to be loved is to be known. 

clear cut proof that you had heard him loud and clear, when he had bared his soul to you. and not only that, but had known well enough that whatever was stewing in his head was getting dangerously close, maybe the closest it had been in years, to the edge – and that you had every intention to pull him back in the way he had pulled himself out in the first time. 

“is that good?” yuuji asks. 

“it’s perfect.” sukuna responds, before giving him one last nudge. 

sukuna decides that he won’t deprive himself. and instead leans forward, pressing his lips against yours – and pleasantly surprised when you smile right back at him in your sleep, his name honey on your lips, as he sinks into your arms. 

--

next part linked here

an: kind of filler again. sorry. apologies. also two more of this fic before it's done :O

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[l1ndseyper3z]

Hi there! Could you please write a dead poets society fic for Neil x Todd (anderperry) where they’re on a date and they’re playfully flirting/flustering each other? I think they’re neat.

Hey! They are neat, so thanks for the request. I hope you don't mind me making this slightly Christmas-themed, I'm just in the spirit !! I know it's short but I hope you enjoy it.

~ Regular Nights ~

Ship: Neil Perry X Todd Anderson (Anderperry)

Fandom: Dead Poets Society (1989)

Requested?: Yes!

Warnings: Sex references/implications ig? idk this is just very fluffy! I suppose you could consider this a modern AU as obviously a gay couple sadly couldn't go on a date in public during the 50s but apart from that it isn't laid on at all so the choice is yours

Dates had become something normal for Neil and Todd. At least once a month, always on a Saturday night, a play followed by food at the pair's favourite out-of-the-way diner. This was the set routine, it worked and they stuck to it. Today was no different.

"How did you not like it?! The way the lead portrayed Malvolio was near perfect!" With no hurry, Neil whined as the two walked, hand in hand along the snow-covered street.

"I dunno... it wasn't anything to do with the actors, the actual play was just boring." Todd chuckled as he pushed open the door to their regular end to a date night. One difference, this time the small building was decorated with warm white Christmas lights.

The pair walked inside, wiping their feet on the door mat to ensure they didn't walk snow all through the place. As Neil led Todd to "their" table in the corner, he sighed dramatically. "I can't believe I have a boyfriend who can't appreciate the beauty of Twelfth Night!"

"I'd rather appreciate your beauty," Todd uttered, almost too casually, especially for him. Neil's face flushed a warm tone of pink, juxtaposing the cool pale the cold rendered him.

Todd chuckled at his boyfriend's rapidly reddening face but chose not to torment him any more. Not just yet, anyway.

"Stop laughing! You know I'll get you back later tonight anyways" Neil retorted with a suggestive smirk. He was glad they could have back-and-forths like this. When the pair met, he was scared to say anything that could even slightly hurt his feelings. Now, they'd learnt each other's limits.

As Todd caught wind of what Neil was implying and a similar warm blush crept upon his cheeks, the darker-haired boy slipped up from his seat and headed over to the counter. He didn't even need to ask what Todd wanted, he just knew. It was the little things like this that made him fall more and more in love with Neil every day.

As he came back to the table, Todd pulled out his wallet. "How much?" he questioned with little emotion laced through his voice as he flicked through the notes, preparing to give the assumed amount.

Neil calmly rejected the other boy's money. "Nothing, you paid last time, remember?"

"So? I'm still loaded from my birthday cause my parents finally got the hint I didn't want the same desk set for the third year in a row"

Neil chuckled. "Seriously, babe, it's my turn to pay" He pushed the wallet away. "If anything I should be paying for the pretty company I've been graced with". Todd's face flushed pink again, this time deeper.

"You know calling me pretty makes me awkward.."

"That's exactly why I do it." Neil cooly retorted

Todd decided he wanted to carry on this little game the two had been playing. He grabbed Neil's hand, lifted it up to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss on the back of his hand. Neil's confident demeanour dropped at once.

"So cocky till you're not" Todd teased with a gentle voice. He could actually be quite sassy around those he was comfortable with, it just took time to get to that stage.

"Whatever" Neil muttered with a mock scowl, although there was no malice in his tone. The two smiled at each other and dug into their food. These regular nights were comfortable. These regular nights were simple. These regular nights were the best things that had ever happened to the boys. No matter how basic, they wouldn't change them for the world.

[wildsupernova]

and you loved me still.

summary: the memories of their summers together would haunt her for the rest of her life, always leaving her to wonder what could have been. steve never realized how important those memories were to him until he couldn’t forget it.

pairing: steve harrington x fem!reader (no use of y/n)

word count: 1.7k

warnings: no warnings for this one, although i guess there’s mild angst

a/n: hey guys! yet another short song based fic after a way too long break lol. i just finished up my second year of college so everything’s kind of hectic right now, but i’m gonna try to get out some longer, non-song based fics here soon i promise. hope you guys enjoy this because i’ve been OBSESSED with this song for the past month, and if you do, feel free to comment, repost, like, whatever! any interaction helps :)

if you want to make a request for a fic, my requests are open, and i also have a prompts list linked below to make requests from as well. i’ve been talking too long, so thank you guys for reading and i hope you enjoy!

masterlist | prompts list

The aftermath of it all left her numb, even after summer was over. She wished she could get over it the same amount that she wished it would sting more, because feeling anything at all would be better than being stuck in this limbo she’d been suspended in since August ended. She couldn’t bring herself to smile, but she also couldn’t bring herself to cry, doing nothing but sitting and reminiscing about the past 3 summers they’d spent together. Every time she looked at him, every memory would replay in her mind, and then his eyelashes would blink it all away. 

They were memories she didn’t really want to forget, something that reminded her of the few times that she was really, truly happy about being stuck in Hawkins. They were the only thing pushing her through the monotony that was the first half of the semester, and the only thing that kept her sane while she was surrounded by the plain white walls of her small dorm room. 

The warm Indiana wind flowed through the spaces between her fingers, her hand tapping along to the music that played through the radio. He turned the volume dial until the sounds of guitar and drums drowned out the purr of the engine as they drove, and she mouthed along to the words almost absentmindedly. 

He was wearing his brand new Nike sneakers, still pristine white and shiny as if they’d just come out of the box. He blamed it on where they were going, told her that he could only wear his “best shoes” to go hiking in the woods on the outskirts of Hawkins, but she wasn’t stupid. He was doing it all just to show off for her, and she was eating up every last bit of it. 

He made some joke to her that she couldn’t hear very well over the radio, but she laughed anyway. He told her that he loved the way she sounded when she laughed, and she’d never forget the way he leaned over the center console and kissed her long and slow, car dipping lightly into the ditch as he did. 

Steve Harrington was absolutely untouchable in those high school years. Stubborn, arrogant, one of the most difficult people she had ever met in her life. But none of it mattered because he was King Steve, the invincible monarch that ruled over all of Hawkins high. No one dared tell him how much of an asshole he was, or how much they hated him, because one wrong move and he’d make you the laughing stock of the school until graduation. Girls fell at his feet and followed him wherever he walked, and he had picked her. 

Just for the summer, that's what they had agreed. Just one summer, that turned into two and then three. He kept every secret she had ever told him held close to his chest, never letting a single one slip out of the confines of his bedroom. He took every weakness she ever had and became it, from his stupid, perfectly styled brown hair to his honey colored eyes. He took every insecurity and flipped it on its head, always turning self deprecating jokes she made into compliments. But in the end, she just couldn’t fill the shoes he wanted her to. 

She told him she wasn’t all in, but she was. By the end of that first summer, she’d fallen so deeply in love with him that she couldn’t go one day without thinking about him, unable to look at any other guy the way she looked at him. She couldn’t be like all of the other girls before, the ones content with summer time flings and one night stands. She wanted it all, and he wanted something fun. He was the king of the jungle and she’d fallen right into her role as his prey, and the second she let her guard down, he went in for the kill.

Steve wanted to forget the past, but nothing he could do would ever make it disappear from his memory. He thought that, maybe, if he could just fall into the monotony of his job at Family Video, he’d eventually be able to forget about her, but it seemed like the more he tried to forget, the more he remembered. Trying to push the past away only made him yearn for a future where he had her again, somewhere away from all of this, her body curled up against his own while they watched all those cheesy vintage movies she loved so much. 

The thing that hurt the most was remembering their conversation of how they imagined their life would be after high school, so far removed from what their lives were like now. 

“What do you think you’re gonna do after high school?” She blinked as she looked up at him, her eyelashes tickling his jaw. “You know, when all of this bullshit is over?”

He blew out a breath through his nose.”I don’t know, never really thought about it.”

“Really? Never once thought about what you want to do with your life when you graduate?”

“I always just kind of assumed I’d work for my dad after high school, I guess.” She moved out from under his arm and rolled over onto her stomach, bare chest pressed against the mattress. 

“Okay, then if you could do anything for the rest of your life, what would it be?”

“I don’t know!” She let out a small laugh, slapping him lightly on the shoulder. 

“Come on, think! There’s gotta be something you’ve always wanted to do.”

“I guess if I had to pick anything, I’d be a teacher.”

Her eyebrows knit together. 

“Hmm.”

“See, it’s stupid-”

“No, it's not stupid! Just not what I expected you to say.” She flipped over to lay on her side, propping her head up with her hand. The blanket fell down and off her chest, and Steve had to stop himself from looking down. “What would you teach?”

“I don’t know, elementary school maybe? I like kids, so why not?”

“You want a big family, I take it?” He rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. Almost instinctively, she laid her head down on his chest, hand drawing circles along his skin while he talked. 

“I guess. House in the suburbs, picket fence, 4, maybe 5, kids.” She let out a loud laugh at that. 

“5? Seriously? You better hope whoever you marry is crazy because any sane woman would stop after 2.” He smiled at that. 

“It's a negotiable number.”

He was so difficult back then, so hard to love, but she did it anyway. He did everything he could to keep up appearances, to keep every girl he knew at arms length and never let them find a way into his heart, but somehow she made it in. She wanted him even when he was that arrogant asshole who wouldn’t even throw her a glance in the hallways, who wanted to keep their summer rendezvous a secret to save his own reputation, and found a way to bring out who he really was when they were alone. He kept every secret she told him locked up in his heart even though the guy he pretended to be would have aired it all out just to hurt her. He knew every one of her insecurities and weaknesses, and she knew all of his, but in the end, she just couldn’t fit the role of what he thought he wanted. 

Just another girl to occupy his time with, another girl to spend the summer with and forget about when the next one came along. Except one summer turned into two, which turned to three, which turned to watching her drive away with all her things packed up to begin her life. She had been all in for him, and he just wasn’t ready for that. At the time, he didn’t even know thats what he’d wanted, but now that she was gone and those summers were over, he wished he had, because all he can think about is how she had been nothing more than prey to him at the time, and he’d killed any chance at the life they’d talked about so many times. A life he kept trying to tell himself he didn’t want with her.

She wondered if it was all worth it, or if it had all just been a waste of time. A waste of time that left her wondering what could have happened if she’d just been honest, if she hadn’t lied to him at the end of that third summer when he asked her if she’d agreed that all of this was just for fun. She still knew all of his favorite foods by heart, still remembered his diner order and the movies he liked to watch when his parents weren’t home. She wanted to forget about all of it, but she couldn’t.

He wondered if it was worth it, hurting her like that. She’d always tell him that it wasn’t anything more to her, that she knew this was all just something to pass the time, but he knew she’d only said it to hide how real it all was for her. He wished he’d been able to recognize how real it had been for him just a little bit sooner, because maybe then he wouldn’t have to sit here and wonder what could have been. He wouldn’t feel like every date he went on was a waste of time, because the person who knew him best was long gone. 

She’d cling to the memories of her summers with Steve like something sacred and fragile, keeping them close as a reminder of when things used to be simple. When she could lie to herself about how she felt about him and still feel like she was telling the truth, when she had that false hope that maybe they could turn into something more than a summer fling. She heard from friends back home that he was a different guy now, but it seemed he was just that guy who would always come out when they were alone by his pool on those warm summer nights. The guy she fell in love with over and over again every summer. 

Maybe, if they met again, he’d be all in for sure, but she wasn’t sure she could be this time.

[vanishingmoments]

I was curious about if there's been any research done in the area of computer-to-brain knowledge transfer at all (like technology that'd ideally be able to upload fluency in a foreign language to somebody's brain) and wound up on the wikipedia article for Neuralink. Apparently at some point Elon Musk opened this absurd challenge asking for someone to invent a real time, lossless compression algorithm that can compress signal data by 200%, because the amount of actual data coming from the human brain they need to extract is staggeringly large. This may or may not be why you don't hear much about Neuralink lately. But it brought to mind a really dystopian idea of getting around this by not getting around it.

The image of someone with shaky hands and zero education in the medical field coming into work in the morning and sitting in a chair behind a curtain in a surgery room, dressed in full scrubs and facemask. A nurse stands behind them, leaning over to get a better view while he threads a needle engraved with intricate patterns into a hole with matching marks in the back of their skull. Behind his fingers, the needle tapers into an insulated cable as thick as a bungie cord. behind his palm, the cable gets even thicker, to the width of a handrail. Behind his back it reaches the circumference of a welding tank. Its weight is supported by a dense line of thin mechanical arms hanging from the ceiling. The scrubs-clad person stands up, and the arms mimic this motion simultaneously to allow the cable to follow. The person walks out from behind the curtain, now a qualified brain surgeon.

They walk to the operating table, and wonder what they must look like right now. At the restaurant they went to last night they could see the chef's Cord briefly when the kitchen door opened, and they thought it looked like he was being stalked by an infinitely long centipede. It's probably best not to think about it now.

With no plan or information, they ask the nurse to hand them the dremel, and instinctively saw out a perfectly circular cut along the already exposed crown of the patient's skull. The sight of the human brain makes their stomach churn, more from anxiety than squeamishness. They told the HR lady that they're prone to nausea when nervous like this, but she assured them that the stress-compensation signal feed in the Cord would take care of that problem. It didn't. The feeling sickness stuck with them through the long, 12 hour job. They thoughtlessly poked, prodded, spread and sliced at the wet grey mass in front of them, not caring enough to ponder why they did each action. Instead they did their best to distract themselves thinking of whatever computer games they'd play with their daughter tomorrow. Maybe if there'd be a bonus, and they could afford to buy her a new one. By the time it was over, the assistance of the Centipede's arms hadn't been enough to keep the weight of the Cord from straining their neck, and they pain made it difficult to sleep for a few weeks. The check took a month to arrive. Their daughter would be playing the same games for another year, it seemed.

[braindeathaoe]

❄️December Goals❄️ (30/11/24)

We've got a rather hectic month coming up now, don't we? In a few short weeks I'll have family visiting again, and the weather is already being horrible.

~How horrible are we talking?~

Well... there's been an unprecedented amount of snowfall in the past week alone. Just 2 days ago I had to shovel snow for an hour to clear out the driveway, only for several tens of inches to accumulate by the following morning.

If this keeps up, I won't have the energy to write. My minimum word count forecast for December is set for...

+5,000 WORDS

~Which would bring the total word count to 20k, right?~

Exactly. It's not a lot compared to what I've written this month, I know. I may be able to manage +10k, but it really depends on the weather and whatever events unfold around me.

I'd like for the demo to be released sometime late February, so I've got plenty of time to sort things out till then.

~I thought you didn't have a release date?~

I don't! But that month in particular holds a special place in my heart, because there was a time not too long ago that I thought of myself as a monster.

-----Vent Incoming!-----

For my entire life, my mental health has been neglected by those who were supposed to take care of me. It's no overstatement to say that I was an extremely problematic child, but I didn't deserve to be emotionally abandoned.

At the age of 7, I had already been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, depression and other behavioral disorders. I couldn't make many friends, and an abusive environment at home set me back even further.

Bottles of pills were my only support.

I was around 15 when I began having horrible intrusive thoughts, every second of every day. I imagined myself being killed in terrible ways in-between bouts of déjà vu, and deluded myself into believing I was stuck in a time loop. I stopped going to school when I was 16.

Nobody noticed or cared.

It took everything I had to distract myself from the bad thoughts, throwing myself into fantasies and ignoring everyone and everything around me—and it still wasn't enough to escape them.

Months turned into years. The thoughts kept getting worse.

I ended up terrified of how people viewed me; thought of myself as a failure, useless, too disabled and so on. I stopped going outside because I didn't want to feel the eyes judging me. So many of my doubts were instilled in me by my addict mother, who only benefitted from my existence with disability payouts.

I had become so isolated, alone and hopeless. Then all of a sudden I was 18, and no guidance had ever prepared me for that. For my birthday that year, I was surrounded by people I had never met—my mom's friends, I assume. Complete strangers ate my cake and mingled with each other as I sat by myself.

The better part of a year passed me by, and something in my mind finally snapped. I broke down screaming and crying, not stopping until I could taste blood and my voice betrayed me. I don't remember what the final straw was. I didn't even care anymore.

2 days later, I admitted myself into a psych ward, and while I was in there... I was confused to find people treating me normally. They all showed me such kindness, and patience. Nobody judged me for my struggles.

All of those horrible experiences and memories, with being talked down to and humiliated and thrown aside... it led me to that ward. In February of 2020, after years of believing I was worthless, I was told otherwise. I learned what was wrong with me, and was given the tools to fix myself.

My fears were proven to be my greatest detriment; I had hope again.

When I left that place at the end of the month, I walked outside to a clear blue sky. Looking up, I saw the sun and decided that it was more beautiful than I had ever seen it.

With all that said, if I can, I'd like to release the demo in February. Maybe it won't be ready in time, but I'll try. Thank you for taking the time to read this far. If you happen to be suffering in the same way I did, remember this:

You're not a monster, no matter how bad the thoughts might get, so long as you never act on them. Believe me, I've seen the worst of it.

[mariacallous]

(JTA) — It was a slow trickle, each long press of the finger and ensuing quick tap was days and sometimes weeks apart (it’s hard to comprehend that a whole month has passed since Oct. 7), but I am here to tell you that I — a former social media manager — have removed each and every social media app from my phone.

In fact, as I was writing this very esssay, I realized I still had Threads downloaded, opened it for a minute, saw a Thread that said “Zionism is antisemitism,” and promptly deleted that, too.

I have zero desire to restore a single one of them.

What happened to me has probably happened to you, too. I saw a Tweet, a TikTok, an Instagram Story that filled me with such fury and indignation that I spent hours — sometimes days — formulating and reformulating an epic, fact-based, emotionally charged, imagined response. Imagined, of course, because I knew I’d never post it. I’ve seen so many celebrities and random acquaintances do such utterly embarrassing and harmful and reputation-destroying things in the last weeks to even dare to try.

And to be clear: I would try if I thought I could change someone’s mind and force them to see my humanity, but beyond the small, intimate, personal conversations that I can have off the apps, I feel like these enraged indignant responses only seem to silo people further.

I’ve worked in social media since 2014 — in the Jewish realm of social media, specifically. That means I’ve seen a lot of awfulness, gas chamber memes, overt antisemitism and Islamophobia. I’ve personally been told many times to go back where I came from (which, yes, is Israel, and that feels grimly funny now). Yet I’ve also believed in its power to heal, to make people feel seen, to energize activism, to educate.

I still believe that — kind of? But I’ve also never seen it this awful, this polarizing, this … honestly, unhinged. An unscientific poll of people I know seems to indicate the same thing: Social media is the worst it’s ever been, maybe because the Israel/Palestine conversation has always been so impossibly polarizing.

People are so stuck in their “side” and binary that they’re willing to share anything — without fact-checking, without making sure they’re not getting in bed with people whose worldview is dangerous, without asking themselves for a small second, wait, is this Islamophobic? Antisemitic? Completely detached from reality? Without wondering if they sound like a conspiracy theorist, or if they’re just being cruel for cruelty’s sake.

And the amount of words wasted on misinformation and meanness doesn’t even compare to the number of words some people insist on putting into other people’s mouths (or keyboards, rather) when their statement doesn’t 100% pass whatever standards they’ve arbitrarily decided it must. Beyond Israel and Palestine, we’ve been tearing ourselves apart inside our Jewish community, and that also breaks my heart.

I understand the deep grief and rage behind most posts. I’ve been enraged and grieving myself. I’ve been scared too: Of the growing antisemitism. Of the people who tell me that I and my family, because we were born in Israel, can’t be innocent civilians, that we all deserve the horrors of Oct. 7 to befall on us.

I’ve also been scared for the life of every innocent person lost and about to be lost. Around 1,200 Israelis killed, 300 kidnapped, over 10,000 Palestinian lives believed to have been taken, all unfathomable numbers. And I’ve been scared about the cycle of rage and violence and siloed indignation that removes the humanity of a whole swath of people. Because I do believe that that’s part of what got us here. And I keep seeing it evinced, over and over again, on social media.

I am — unlike many “experts” newly minted by numbers of followers or magnitude of chutzpah — not an expert of Middle Eastern politics, despite being Israeli and working in Jewish media for almost a decade. I know a lot, but I am not a politician or historian. And yet, to the extent I believe that there is a solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, I believe that it has to be one that takes into account the inherent humanity of all those involved. I believe that it will be human and imperfect.

I’m awed by the people who are still managing to use social media for good right now, the little spots of light — people who parse through history and reality with wisdom and empathy, well-educated veteran observers of Israel and Palestine, academics, journalists, fierce activists, who, through immense pain, still manage to retain their humanity.

Yet for me, I’ve realized being on social media is doing more harm than good. It’s keeping me further away from solutions and useful action, and closer to rage and fear. So for now, I can’t stay there.

[leonsnumbahonewifey]

Lunes 1 De Abril

Working in the lab with Luis can get a bit interesting...

  I was supposed to post my Leon one shot first but Luis’s was just too much fun. Anyways I know why you’re here so: smut underneath the cut. Minors do NOT interact or I will personally send Las Plagas through your devices. This is my first time writing explicit content so be gentle :3

The research on the island had been moving at a snail’s pace. It didn’t help that your head researcher keeps getting taken away to look at new strains of whatever you’re working with. It looks like a parasite.. Or it could be a fungus? You don’t really question much about what you’re doing because there’s no point. It’s your own fault you’re trapped in this mess. You always wonder why you left Umbrella, but then again you heard they tanked so maybe this was a good idea after all; You’ve always trusted Luis’s intuition. Well, until the Los Illuminados invaded the village... 

Your work in Spain has at least been interesting for the most part. There’s constantly new developments since Luis is on the team. He’s from the same team that you were from: Umbrella Europe’s Sixth Team. Your team was tasked with working on something called the Nemesis Alpha Parasite. You’re confident it did its job and it worked… but it was wrong. Morally, everything you did was an atrocity. That’s why you followed Luis here, to Spain. You wanted to start fresh, put your brain to good use, but now you were stuck in almost the same exact predicament. Working for the wrong side. 

You take time to look up from your research, your lab coat long discarded. Along with these people’s temperaments, the weather in Spain is unpredictable here on the island. Today’s choice of torture is heat, an insufferable amount as the only chill you get is down below in the freezers. You hate going down there though; it’s too creepy for you. Saddler expects you all to be done with this research by the end of the week but honestly you couldn’t care less. You just want to go outside, go to the beach, and have a little fun. You long to get some relaxation but it’s impossible when you’re forced to work for someone so demanding. 

You brush back some of your hair, the annoying bits tickling your vision. Today’s a good day and you could really use a break from all this insufferable paperwork. It’s stacked neatly on your desk, ready to be analyzed and marked up but you really don’t want to do them today. 

Even though the sun has set, the humidity from the water that surrounds the island is wet and sticky. You start to wish you could peel more of your layers off but that would be indecent. Working across the room is your partner in crime, Luis Serra. He’s got his own troublesome tasks, ones that require an extreme amount of gentle prodding and poking. He’s got a las plagas on his petri dish, or at least some type of old, almost fossilized version of one. It squirms as he pokes at it, not wanting to be touched. He’s wearing his cute, thick pair of glasses, making sure to work with careful precision. You’ve noticed he bites his lip when he concentrates. 

Suddenly you make eye contact and you feel the need to come up with something, “It’s my birthday.” You say and look back down at your papers. It’s not actually, but it could be. You haven’t seen a real calendar in months. You can sort of guess by the season really. 

You hear some rustling behind you, some chairs scooting around, and things being capped. You barely notice he’s directly behind you until he’s placing an arm on your shoulder to turn you around to face him. Your chair swivels and then you’re staring right up into his brown eyes. He cocks an eyebrow in curiosity, a twinge of a smile at his lips. 

"It is?” he asks and you nod in confirmation, he’s never been this close to you before. You wonder what’s gotten into him. The heat must be intolerable to him too and you wonder if he wants to get out of this place as much as you do. 

“Well...Happy Birthday." He eases up and rolls out his shoulders, worn from the past few nights of lab work. You watch as he does so, taking in how the shirt he’s wearing hugs his arm muscles. The middle part in his shirt leaves little to the imagination as he bends, his chest poking out to tease you unconsciously. You feel yourself blush and clear your throat, turning your attention back to your work. The paperwork is a hassle to get through and you can’t keep getting distracted; even if you don’t really want to do it. 

“Thank you, Luis.” you say and continue trying to read your paper, except you can’t start because he’s still standing directly behind you and your desk, watching you intently. 

“Did you… Did you need something?” you swivel in your chair to ask him and he smiles, shaking his head. He takes the paper from your hand and flips it right-side up; you’d been reading an upside down piece of paper without realizing it. You stand up, embarrassed. Either from being caught, or from getting so flustered by him, you don’t know which is the better option. You take the paper from his hand quickly and add it back to your stack before you turn around to face this incredibly awkward situation. 

He’s already standing closer by the time you turn, slowly inching closer by the second. You’re taken aback by his behavior, but only for a moment. Luis has always been a flirt afterall. 

"Do you want a present?" He questions, studying your face for a reaction. Your curiosity gets the best of you and you smile at his words, leaning in to ask him your next (and obvious) question.

“What kind of present?” you ask, perking up and setting your gaze on his lips ‘accidentally’. He notices immediately and gives you a sly smirk; two can play at that game. He slowly boxes you in against your desk, leaning in to whisper in your ear. 

“Me.” His voice is low, his breath feels hot on the side of your neck. You lean slightly into him, suddenly entranced by how he smells. If there was one thing you were glad for on this island it would be their non-stop shipments of cologne’s and Luis’s cigarettes. It’s just so perfect, so… unequivocally him. They really do balance each other out. 

“I’m your present then…?” He asks, pulling back, looking hopefully into your eyes. You nod your head, “if you want to be.” you tell him almost too eagerly. 

He takes your consent and starts to leave kisses to your neck, nibbling affectionately at your jaw when you give him room to. He moves up your jaw to your earlobe and bites it before kissing it. He pulls back suddenly, gazing over your flustered self. You’re breathing quite heavily, cheeks red, and all you can think about is how much you want his lips on yours. 

“Do you… want more?” He asks teasingly. You know he’s teasing you and you already know what he wants. He’s theatrical; he loves a good show. You flutter your eyelashes and play along, leaning forward to lean onto his chest. 

“It is my birthday after all…” 

"Indeed it is. We can't let this special day just pass by without doing..." He raises an eyebrow then gives you a sly smile, "everything we can, right?"

“Right.” You take time to smile up at him and look over his tired face. He’s really trying and it’s just so… adorable. Luis pulls you in closer, so sudden that your lips are just nearly touching. 

"I'm gonna make this birthday one you'll never Forget." He leans in, and his lips meet yours with a soft, sweet kiss. His lips taste like pomegranates, probably because the research facility has groves of them sitting around. It is Spain after all. It’s sweet and comforting because it reminds you so much of home. You practically melt into his arms, your legs starting to feel wobbly. 

He keeps the kiss going for a moment before pulling away. His face has a mischievous smile and a little bit more confidence in it. His eyes look into yours, and he slowly moves his hand up your arm comfortably.

“Get ready, okay? This is gonna be one hell of a ride.” He looks serious but you can’t help but let out a giggle at his choice of words, “Can’t be worse than those mine carts..” you joke and he looks down at you.

“Trust me...it could be way crazier.” Luis smiles that devious smile of his, as he kisses you again. This time you feel his tongue poke through your lips, eager to get more passionate. His lips mash against yours, the tension between the two of you melting and welding you together at the same time. His hands start traveling up from your hips to tease at the underpart of your shirt. You moan lightly and feel him stick his tongue into your mouth, quickly overtaking your own. He suddenly grabs underneath your hips and sets you on the desk behind you. Your papers fly off and you whine in protest but it seems to egg him on as he pushes further into you, hands moving to lay by your sides. He smiles into the kiss, while you’re fighting for a breath of air. You worry he wants to devour you, your skin feels like he’s lighting it on fire. You grunt into his mouth, your legs widening a little bit to let him stand closer to you. 

Luis finally lets go of your lips only to lean next to your ear once more, whispering seductively, “Did you like that?” He teases and you right about pass out. Not only is your heart racing, but you feel as though you’re high, your whole being feels elevated against him. 

“Y-yes, sir..” you call him something you’ve wanted to for quite a while. It just feels so right to call him something like that in the moment. Giving him respect, stroking his ego completely turns him on and you want to make him feel validated. Your title earns a smug smile from him.

“You know what? I really like you calling me sir.” Luis pulls you in close again, giving you another kiss before asking, "Do you want to move this someplace more...private?" 

You nod excitedly, wrapping your limbs around him as he picks you up. He smiles sweetly as he walks through the lab, heading towards the dormitories. As the door opens you hide your face in his chest, although you know no one will catch you. It’s too late for any of the older researchers to be awake. The trip is short and luckily for you the rooms next to yours are vacated; no one wants to be that close to work besides the two of you. He stops and looks between the two rooms, trying to decide which to go in and you whine, wanting him to hurry up. He grunts and decides to just go into his room, readjusting you on his hips right before he kicks open the door. 

Immediately you’re thrown onto his bed, the smell of jasmine hitting your nostrils. He’s left his window open, the ripe buds of the shrubbery making his whole room smell of the damn thing’s pollen. It’s sweet and it's equally erotic as it mixes with his own scent as he climbs on top of you. 

He pushes you into the bed, holding your arms above your head. He sits back and gazes over your body hungrily, “We’re alone aren’t we?” His voice is husky. You nod and he flicks his eyes once more down your torso, eyeing your buttoned shirt. 

“Yes.” You answer him and he leans back down, hands on the button of your shirt, “Good..” his breathing is low and heavy, his eyes half-lidded. “We can make as much noise as we want.” He clicks his tongue, smirking. 

You waste no time grabbing him by his open shirt to kiss him, not wanting to waste a single second. Luis lets out a soft grunt when you suddenly pull him in, kissing him feverishly. 

"God." He eventually pulls back a little and moves his hands to your hips. "You are so... perfect."

His expression is soft, the look in his eyes looking as if he could get lost in you for the rest of eternity. You feel yourself puddle underneath his gaze, self conscious. This inhibition spikes your heart rate and you just want to hide your head in his chest to avoid those telling eyes of his. If he stares in yours, it’s truly over. He’ll know you have feelings for him, that you’ve fallen for him, but it’s true. How could you not? He’s got everything that you could ask for. He’s got smarts, personality… fuck, I mean he’s perfect. Even if this is the only time this happens, you will cherish this moment until the end of time. He truly makes you feel like yourself. 

“You’re too nice to me,” you manage to get out of your tight jaw. It feels like you’re learning to talk all over again. The weight of your words are almost too much to be able to get out. You want to say so many things but you can’t help but stick to the basics. You want to call him your sunlight, your protector, your… your boyfriend. Your breathing stops a little at your true revelation and he seems to notice as he leans in again, giving your lips a slow, yet sensual kiss. 

“I’m just telling the truth, mi chispita.” His hands then move up from your hips, to your waist, and finally to your back where his fingers run along it. His voice is husky and still ever… so… low.

"You are perfect, muñeca… and I'm gonna make sure you know that while we're here." He leans back in for another deep, heated kiss. The confession is simple, yet it flows to your ears like the most complex piece of music ever written. It leaves you stunned, pausing your grasps, your tantalizing touches. He freezes too, just like you have. The awkward air is ever so thick, the tension frozen in suspension. He realizes his mistake, realizes that he’s confessed to the most obscene truth: he fancies you just as much as you fancy him too. 

However, it’s quickly forgotten as he places his lips back on yours, the tension dissipating and so goes your patience. You grasp his hair and pull it back, forcing him from your lips. He whines, clearly enjoying it, but you do not relent. He needs to know that you are infatuated with every single aspect of him, every molecule.

“God, you’re so sexy,” you get out quickly, in between your pants of breath. A twinge of blush appears upon his cheeks but it’s almost as if it were like a car speeding past, the red tail lights leaving in the distance. It’s gone quickly and then replaced with something unknown. Like the darkness of an alleyway. He is dangerous, alluring; he has your emotions at his fingertips and he knows how to play you like the sweetest guitar. He’s kind of hard to read when he’s so serious but it’s so exciting. 

“Do you want me to make you feel good?” He asks and your hand drops from his hair. Your hands move down his chest and then lay at your sides, you look away, nodding. 

He grabs your chin and forces you to look at him, “Yes, Sir,” you correct yourself immediately. 

“Good girl.” Luis moves in yet again, kissing you passionately, his arms moving you to back against the headboard. He's got you right where he wants you, and he takes his time, reveling in the feeling of control. He unbuttons a few buttons, starting from the bottom and working his way up slowly. He slides it off of you, leaving you in your black bra. 

“God… I really want you.” He speaks into your shoulder, giving it a few pecks. 

“I want you too, Luis..” You grasp at his jacket which he pulls off faster than you could ever ask him. 

“You do, huh?” He chuckles. 

"Tell me...what do you want?" Luis leans in closely, so that his face is mere inches from yours, with his hand now moving up to your waist..

"What do you want me to do to you?" He looks at you with complete attention. He knows what he’s doing, giving you so many choices. He can see you daydream, even though he’s right here, right above you. You can tell he’s leaning towards a certain idea, his finger playing with the waistband of your work jeans. You giggle and shuffle backwards so you’re sitting up better. 

“Whatever you think is best for your ‘good girl’.” you smirk and gauge his reaction to your words. He’s completely whipped now if he wasn’t already. His hands work skillfully to get you up and out of your pants as quickly as he can manage. He then sits back on his knees to pull his shirt off, going as slow as he can, teasing to you his toned body. Your eyes rake across his form, committing every single muscle, ab, happy trail to your memory for later use. 

“Good girls get the best prizes, right?” He asks and throws his shirt somewhere behind him onto the floor with the rest of your other discarded clothes. He leans forward, a single warm, large hand moving forward on your stomach to your chest, underneath your bra. 

“Are you a good girl though?” 

“Yes, sir.” you say confidently because of course you’re his ‘good girl’. You follow all his instructions and commands in the lab perfectly. You’d be surprised if he didn’t know how much his praise does it for you. The amount of nights you lay awake thinking about delusions, about how maybe he really meant his light touches to your shoulder while you’d work. 

He gives you a devilish grin, dominance practically dripping from him, “Say it,” he orders, “Say, ‘I’m your good girl’, for me.” He strokes your cheek lightly coaxing it out of you. 

“I’m your good girl, Luis,” you say obediently. 

“And what do good girls get?” 

“Your…” you trail off embarrassed; you can’t finish the thought. 

“That’s right,” he answers quickly, “And what's Luis's...good girl going to get?" He practically growls as he reaches down to slide underneath your panties, dipping into the wetness that’s been waiting to be explored. His fingers are light and yet determined, one moving below to tease your cunt. 

“Y-your..” you falter in your words as he continues to move his finger around in circles. Luis pauses and waits for your elaboration, cocking his head to the side, “My…?” he mocks you. Damn him and his smooth talk. 

“You know…” you blame your embarrassment on his beauty and his oh-so skillful fingers that start to travel deep into your cunt. He laughs, and it's an incredibly genuine laugh.

"God, you are so cute. Say it." He smiles at you, and he leans in very closely, so that your lips are barely touching. Then, he moves over to whisper in your ear, “Sayyyy it." He speaks slowly in that voice of his that is like the sweetest honey you’ve ever tasted. He continues his teasing, unrelenting. 

“Your cock…” you finally answer, your blush quite evident on your face. Never have you asked something so… vulgar of someone. He pauses, his eyes close and he looks as if he’s concentrating on something. His eyebrows furrow as if he’s deep in thought, but really you know he’s trying not to cum. 

Luis quickly pulls you in again, kissing you with more vigor, deeper, with the passion of a madman. He's clearly in a mood right now— almost a little unhinged. Eventually, he breaks the kiss again, his breath still hot against your lips. He looks you up and down intensely as if he’ll never see it again. You recognize the gaze because it’s just what you were doing earlier. He throws his head back and brushes his hair back in frustration.  

"How could anyone see you and not want you... God, it'd be like not wanting the sun after months in darkness..." He seems to be in his own little world, gently moving his hands to rub circles into your hip. You kiss him deeply, breaking him off from his thoughts, “and you are my sunlight in a dark place…” you try to match his ‘smoothness’. 

His eyes light up a bit and he smiles endearingly, “Holy...that was way too sweet. Gosh...who knew you had some smooth moves? Did you have that one planned?" He winks at you with a hint of smugness in his tone, but he's clearly impressed. 

“Nooooo, I came up with that one on the fly.” you huff and he chuckles. 

“You're so smart, baby girl... I don't know how to pay you back for being so perfect... but it looks like we're gonna get into some mischief now, oye?" you nod and he pulls your panties down and out of the way to sit in the middle of your legs. 

“Only if you want to.” you quickly add, and he gives you an incredulous look.

“Are you kidding?” You already know that's what I want... and now that I'm sure it's what you want too, well...I could show you a little bit of my appreciation…” you can’t help but pull him in for about the hundredth kiss of the night, his words making you practically lose it. You want him so badly it hurts. 

“Please, Luis.” you beg. You move his head upwards and kiss his neck, moving your hands underneath his shirt. Luis lets out a soft moan - the first such sound he's made this whole time. It gives you a delectable idea, perhaps you’d misread him this entire time. His stalling and teasing maybe were for a different reason…

"God..." His breathing picks up, and you can feel the tension building as he becomes more and more worked up. You continue to kiss his neck, nipping at the skin. When he starts to wobble above you that's when you realize he’d probably want you on top instead. 

“You like that, baby?” you ask him, the gentle yet teasing inflection in your voice teeters him over the edge and then he’s moving his hands at your sides and flipping you so that he’s laying down in his pillows and you’re straddling his hips. 

“Yeah...god, yeah, I do..." He’s squirming now, trying to get some friction between your two bodies but you squeeze your legs at his side, stopping his movements. You grab his hair and grip it hard, watching as he opens his mouth to let out a soft, shaky moan. You grind down and he starts panting, his heart rate rising - and it shows; Luis's chest flutters heavily with every beat of his heart. You can feel his hardened length below you, and god does it feel good to take control for once. 

"God, yes..." He lets out a soft little whimper, and he sounds like he's half-afraid and half-excited, but it’s obvious he’s enjoying it. He’s such a little slut. You take a mouthful of his neck and give it a bite, and he’s squirming again, but this time you let him. 

“God, you're really... really good at this…” He whines and you smirk moving your kisses down his chest, experimentally attaching to one of his nipples, giving it a few short licks. Luis lets out a gasp as your lips make contact with his chest, and the man starts panting as you continue to tease him. You can see sweat starting to form on his chest, though he's almost too caught up in this pleasure to care.

"God...keep going, baby… Agh...!” his breath catches in his throat and he practically freezes in place. It's like he's never been touched like this before... or perhaps, it's just been way too long since he's felt this kind of pleasure... Either way, as your hands and lips keep exploring him, you can practically feel his cock throbbing. It almost seems as if he's getting close to the edge already. You finally decide he’s got way too many clothes on him left and you shuffle downward to unbuckle his jeans and grab his boxers, sliding them down to reveal his hard cock. It’s a bit daunting at first glance. It’s so long and unbelievably thick. You can’t help but drool at the image directly in front of you. You look at his face and can just tell he’s close. He’s got hair sticking to his forehead and his face has oh so much blush on his cheeks. He looks at you like you’re the prettiest girl in the world, and you take a mental picture of how he looks as you move forward and sink down on his cock. 

As you feel him travel through your walls you hiss in pain, but it's a welcome one as Luis struggles to keep his voice down, louder than it has been up to this point. He moans and his chest flutters once more, his skin feels like it’s on fire. 

"God... that feels good... so, so good...You’re so t-tight." He lets out his own soft, breathy whine, struggling not to move. After a few moments of adjusting you start to move your hips against him, expertly adjusting your pressure to his cock. You pause your movements after a little bit of time, even though you want to keep going, but it’s just so easy to tease him. 

"Please keep going." Luis's voice now has a certain tone to it, at once playful and teasing, yet desperate at the same time; somehow, he's found a sweet spot that fits him perfectly. 

“What if I don’t? What if I just stop right here?” you tease and his eyes go wide. 

"Don't...please don't..." His voice now has a tone of submission to it- and it's not hard to see that he is more serious now. You really are in control, and your teasing is driving him crazy.

“Beg for it.” you slip a hand underneath his chin, your thumb playing with his bottom lip. 

"Please just do it…” His breathing is unbelievably heavier, and there's a certain look in his eyes that's almost like...a plea. You move slightly and Luis’s whole body tingles, and another soft moan escapes his lips. He lets out a shuddering breath, and you watch as his chest flutters once more. You stop your movements again loving how he furrows his brows in frustration. 

“You really are a cruel girl, huh?” Luis stares up at you with a slight smile on his face, that mischievous sparkle once more in his eyes, attempting to move you together himself. You quickly give him a tut of disapproval, holding down his arms. He’s much stronger than you are and he could easily take control if he wanted to, but he’s enjoying this too much.

“God…Please.” The desperation and the pleading for this to continue are clearly on display in his voice, Luis looks helpless as your body does its work. You feel him slip in and out of your cunt, practically bouncing you on him. You’re a moaning mess, his work so skillful it almost rivals your own. You feel a fire in your stomach, one that lets you know you’re close. You speed up your own movements and Luis lets out a sharp intake of breath at the sudden increase in intensity; you can tell by the look on his face that he's getting close too. His breathing is heavy, his eyes slowly roll back in his head... You have him right on the edge, and it looks like he's ready to completely lose it.

"God...I'm so close..." He's so unbelievably close, he can barely even speak, "You're gonna... kill me..." you feel him hit your sweet spot and feel yourself let go right then and there and cum right on his cock, your walls tightening around him. You moan loudly against him as he continues to fuck you, chasing his own release. Not long after, a shudder rocks through the entire frame of his body, his legs tremble and he lets out a loud, almost pornographic moan as he finishes inside you. You can feel his cum splash and gush inside your body, filling you up but you don’t care, you’ll take anything from him at this point. 

It takes his breath away for a few moments. Luis lays there, utterly spent, barely even catching his breath after what he just experienced; the man looks positively exhausted, but despite his state, there's also a deep smile on his face, his eyes shut and he just simply looks... happy. Happy that he got exactly what he wanted. You look at him with complete adoration and infatuation. He’s beautiful like this. He’s ethereal. He’s everything under the Sun. “I love you, Luis.” you tell him. 

Luis’s ears pick up the word “love”, and he sits up to look at you. For a moment, he’s completely still, just staring at you as he processes this. After he does, he gives a big, genuine smile, and it’s almost like he’s speechless. The man is absolutely flabbergasted; he doesn’t know what to say. 

“I…I love you too…” He eventually manages to get out, blushing and smiling at you in that cute and dorky way of his. You smile and kiss his cheek, laying against him. 

“Can we cuddle?” you ask but Luis doesn’t need any questioning; after all, he’s already in a love-drunk state after everything that just happened - and being the softie deep down that he is, he of course can’t help but be completely overjoyed at the concept of cuddling with you.

He smiles, “I’d love to.” Luis lets out a soft, giddy little laugh as he gives you a peck, and then hugs you to his waist, keeping his length inside you. 

“Luis…” you whine and he blushes, slowly pulling out of you, “That’s a problem for later,” he winks. 

You give him kisses all over his adorable face, smiling wide at his absolute cuteness. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Luis can't help but blush more and more at that; he's got a face red as a tomato by the time you’re done giving him kisses all over his face. He starts giggling like an absolute doofus and starts mumbling the same thing; 'I love you, I love you, I love you...' His smile grows wider and wider by the second as you continue together. And then after a moment it’s silent, the only sound being your combined breaths. 

“Happy birthday....” he says, breaking the silence and you giggle. 

“Do I get another wish?” you ask hopeful, and he sighs, not in an annoyed way but in a way that says ‘yes my love what else do you wish to take from me?’ sort of way. 

“Yes.” He answers, looking down at you curiously. You swallow a bit and then hide in his chest. 

“Are we together now?” It's more of a question than a wish but you wait with baited breath all the same. His chest suddenly rumbles and then you realize he’s laughing at you. You look up to see he’s got the widest smile on his face, eyes crinkling with happiness. You pout at him but he ruffles your hair. 

“Of course, mi chispita. Together forever.” He leans up to kiss your forehead, and then lays his head down on the pillow closing his eyes. You hug him tighter and snuggle closer to him, sighing dreamily. 

“It’s not actually my birthday, you know,” You confess and he gives another hearty, yet tired laugh. 

“I know it’s not, it’s way too early.” He surprises you with his knowledge and it makes you so, so happy. 

“Still, best ‘birthday’ ever…” you say and then slowly feel yourself drift off to sleep, the smell of jasmine persisting to cover the both of you. You’ll figure out your grand escape plan from this island eventually. 

Spanish translations: “Mi chispita” - “My little spark or my sparkle.” “Muñeca” - “Doll”

[cbk1000]

Part two, because I actually hit the character limits on the first post.

I start the ibuprofen. I am feeling awful. My chest is burning really badly, like terrible heart burn, I'm weak, I have barely any appetite, and I'm so uncomfortable I can only sleep a couple of hours every night, which makes me feel even shittier. I have Mr Jenn pick me up some sleep aids which fortunately knock me out for a bit, so at least I'm sleeping more.

I'm not feeling any better and I'm reading up on pericarditis and some of my symptoms kind of sort of fit, but I'm starting to doubt this is the issue because for the most part it doesn't seem to share a lot of common features with other cases of pericarditis.

In the meantime, I get my period again. (It’s been a few weeks of this at this point.)

I start feeling even worse. Now on top of my other symptoms, I'm really dizzy. It's worse when I get up to go to the bathroom, but even lying in bed my head sometimes spins, almost like vertigo, which I've never had before. I'm so weak I can't stand up straight and can only leave bed to go to the bathroom. Mr Jenn brings me all my food and I have to eat it in stages because I'm too weak to eat it all in one go. I have to eat a bit, lie down and rest, sit back up, repeat till whatever small amount of food I can get down is gone. Wtf is wrong with me. I feel like I'm dying.

Something in the back of my head goes wait a minute your symptoms got worse after a couple of days of heavy bleeding and when you were 20 you had that episode where you felt really sick and weak after a blood donation and you had the same issues with your heart rate going really high, and that was resolved with iron treatment. Could this be an issue with iron deficiency?

I know from my lab results that I'm not actually anemic (as in, my hemoglobin is normal), so I start researching to see if just low iron can cause the same symptoms as anemia, and if it's possible this is the culprit, because I not only menstruate, I don't eat much meat, so my dietary intake of iron is probably not great.

Turns out every single symptom I'm having could be from iron deficiency. Ok, at least that's a direction to go in. I need to establish with a primary care doc, get an iron panel done, and also get a referral to cardiology, because I still need to rule out any issues with my heart.

It is very difficult to get in with any doctor locally; most of them are not taking new patients, and if they are, it's a month or more wait to get scheduled. Out of desperation, I go back to the clinic I used to work for, and, as detailed in other posts, get stuck with a crazy anti-vaxx doc who blames all my problems on the Covid shot I had in 2021. Neato.

But I do get my iron panel and referral to cardiology, at least. The iron panel comes back and shows that I do have iron deficiency. I start supplementing while waiting to hear back on a cardiology appointment.

I luck out and get into an appointment at the cardiology clinic just a few days after the referral is sent over, because they had a last-minute cancellation. I see an ARNP, who tells me she thinks the echo done at the hospital looks fine, actually, no sign of pericarditis, but just to make sure they don't miss anything, because my heart rate is definitely still abnormally high, she's going to do a seven-day monitor, a repeat echocardiogram, and then have me follow up with one of the cardiologists.

I wear the monitor and go in for the repeat echo.

In the meantime, I've been taking iron supplements. Over the course of three weeks, I start slowly but steadily improving: after about a week, the chills and dizziness go away. The fatigue and brain fog have also suddenly improved significantly. The full-body weakness that was so bad I couldn't stand up straight, and Mr. Jenn had to carry a pillow out to the couch for me because I was too weak to lift it, starts to improve gradually day by day. I can start talking like an almost normal human again (I would get so out of breath and weak doing it that I couldn't speak at a normal volume, and had to limit what I said; Mr. Jenn said I was starting to sound like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle, for anyone who understands that reference). I'm coming out of the bedroom in the evenings to visit with Mr. Jenn a bit while he cooks dinner.

Then I get my period again. The absolute cunt. The bellend. The fucking devil. I don't go back to square one, but I definitely take a couple of steps back in my recovery. My period is a bit lighter, though.

I start to slowly claw my way back from my period. My heart rate is still too high and I struggle being up for very long because of it, but I am still doing better overall. I also still have intense nausea off and on (after some reading, this seems to have been caused by low oxygen? Basically, not having enough iron meant I wasn't getting enough oxygen on a cellular level because there wasn't enough iron to transport it around my body, so my whole body went, 'We can't breathe, and you are going to Suffer for it.' It's not as common a symptom as, for instance, fatigue, but apparently low iron CAN cause loss of appetite and nausea, which I did not know. I thought it might be the supplements at first because iron is notoriously hard on your stomach, but I'm still taking them and at this point I haven't had any nausea in probably at least a month, so I think it was a symptom of the iron deficiency itself).

I see the cardiologist. Cardiologist tells me my heart is in great shape, actually. The echo shows structurally there's nothing wrong with it, and my heart monitor was super clean. Cool. I didn't think my heart was the problem at this point, but good to know I'm not in heart failure or something as an athletic woman in her 30s.

I go back to crazy doctor to say I really want to focus on getting my iron levels up, since that has been helping a lot, and since now we know it's not my heart causing my problems and that I don't have, and never had, pericarditis. Perhaps we could do something to speed it up a bit so I can go back to my job and my life. Like, I dunno, iron infusions.

Crazy doctor, as detailed in another post is not happy that cardiology did not validate his conspiracy theories about how The Jab destroyed my heart and life. He decides I have both chronic fatigue syndrome and POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) caused by the shot, and is referring me to a neurologist to see if they'll validate his crazy pants. What the fuck ever, I'll just continue treating myself for an incredibly common medical condition, then, while you diagnose me with multiple chronic illnesses based on symptoms I told you I don't have anymore.

I get on with supplementing while doctor dreams about Ivermectin or whatever. I reach a point where I have a few days in a row where my heart rate is much lower, and I can get up and walk around and feel like an almost normal human again.

I get my period again. I am going to kill this fucking bitch. My heart rate goes back up to 130 bpm on walking around, and about 112 just sitting up. I can't do either for very long when my heart rate is that high; even lying in bed, I can feel it racing, and clock it in the 90s (my normal resting heart rate is in the 60s). I try to take out the garbage and legitimately feel like I'm going to pass out. None of my other symptoms have really worsened or come back, but the high heart rate makes it so I can't do much without feeling like I'm going to pass out.

I am extremely frustrated and decide to go back to the doctor to ask for iron infusions to speed up this process. I had been tracking my iron levels every month, and while my ferritin (iron storage) went up nine points after supplementing for four weeks, after eight, it had gone down a point. It's just so fucking hard to stay on top of it when you're bleeding heavily for a week every month.

[me-paina]

ROTTMNT prompts for fanfic

Alright, ROTTMNT fans! What I promised is what I shall serve.

I few things to note (Read before looking at prompts) -

These prompts vary in length, some are very short, while others provide a more detailed plot for you to write about (if you want to). All of these ideas originated in my mind and may have been inspired by various fanfics but that's only a few. As a multi-fandom artist and reader/writer, I apologise for the numerous crossover fics, but I can assure you that most, if not half, of them involve different iterations of TMNT.

ALSO - Another thing to note is that the ROTTMNT turtles will always be the youngest!

These are my headcanons for ages -

Rise - (Post-invasion) TMNT 2012 - (Post-series)

- Raph - 16 - 23 (all the same age)

- Leo - 15

- Donnie - 15

- Mikey - 14

TMNT 2003 - (Post-series) TMNT 1987 - (Post-series)

- 32 (all the same age) - 48 (all the same age)

I’m going to be straightforward and say most of the crossover stories I’ve created imply that the series has finished, such as the ones for 12, 03, and 87. For "Rise," it would either be after the invasion has ended (like 8 months or so) or at the end of the movie where Leo is saved from the Prison Dimension.

So just remember that.

How do I use your prompts?

Well for starters, I only have one rule you must follow. If you could please say in your summary that this prompt was made by me and tag me in it that would be nice.

You can use the gift for [me_paina]

or

Inspired by [me_paina]

Here is my ao3 acc - me_paina

You don't have to do this part, but I would really appreciate it if you could send me a direct message or a note to let me know you’re going to write about my prompt. You might wonder why, it's simply because I’d love to read it when you post it. Thank you! Ok, now for what you have all been waiting for. (Sorry for the long ass information T^T)

ROTTMNT - (ONLY)

- From a very young age, Leo knew he was different. While all of his brothers got to go to the surface, he was stuck down here with their father, and every time when he was with his father he only heard the stupid shows he liked to watch. When his brothers trained with weapons and Lou Jitsu movies playing in the background, he had to stay in his room because it was “too dangerous” for him. He just wanted to do something and not feel so left out. Sure, it didn’t matter that he couldn’t really read anything, or that he couldn’t really SEE anything for that matter. Donnie couldn’t see either; he needed those big glasses that rested on his face to see, but he was still allowed to go. Didn’t Leo just need those too in order to go as well? Or Leo is blind and feels left out.

- Leo longed for that voice again. The grumpy yet gently reassuring voice, that told him everything would be okay, that when the pain felt unbearable, they would quickly rush over and would come to offer something to make that pain go away. Sometimes, that voice would hurt him, but he’d heard it was necessary to soothe him later on, and well, whatever he did helped immensely as he couldn't feel nearly the amount of pain he felt back then. But, should he really remember any of that? Donnie had told him that before their mutation, they weren't fully aware; they were just pets for humans to take care of. They were alive, yet in a way, they weren't really “alive” like humans or what they are now. So why could he recall that? It clearly happened before his mutation, as he remembered the voice talking about numbers, chemicals and such.  But it raises more questions when Dad randomly told us that they were created to be soldiers. Engineered to be as strong and durable as possible to fend off humans. Did that mean what he remembered involved being experimented on? But that didn't seem right... Right? Leo mentioned this to Donnie before, and Donnie just shrugged and said, “Even if it were true—which it isn’t—it sounds like you have Stockholm syndrome, Nardo.”  But it couldn’t be true. He just knew that the voice loved him. Why did Dad even suggest the soldier theory??? It didn’t make sense because… Who would want a blind soldier? Or Leo remembers his pre-mutation with Draxum and Draxum. Is trying to figure out why one of the turtles is chronically ill and blind, changing his trajectory and stopping his idea of having soldiers. He might not seem as bad as he is. (I just want a really cute Father and son moment with Draxum ok… leave me alone)

(Sorry this one is going to be long) - At that time, he wanted soldiers. Soldiers who could fend off those pesky humans and perhaps even destroy them. He had no desire to deal with humans ever since they had forced the hidden city to become their home. So, he did what anyone with a reasonable mind would do: he made a deal with Big Mama, took the human that was somehow really strong, stole four different turtles and experimented on them. However, things took a turn with the last part of the plan. People thought he was always angry and grumpy, someone who would experiment on anything alive or not. What they didn’t know was that he was actually a big softy with too much empathy for his own liking. When he brought the turtles back to his lab, he immediately noticed the turtle with the red stripes struggling to breathe and survive. He understood that things would never be the same. He convinced himself that he wanted the turtle to live so that the experiment wouldn't be in vain, but deep down, he realised that the turtle filled a dark void in his heart. He wanted to protect that turtle, and not just him, all of them. He had always wanted children, but over the years, he realised that due to his past and his reputation, he couldn't bring a child into that situation. However, seeing the four turtles made him long for that desire once again. Perhaps it was time to turn over a new leaf. Instead of his original plan of harming the humans, he had another idea. If they were more like them, we wouldn't have to hide anymore, we wouldn’t have to wear cloaking brooches. With a wide grin, he started working. He needed human blood to get an understanding of their DNA so he would incorporate it with empyrean, and, look, I just so happened to have a human right here. To make this work I also needed Yokai’s blood, of course, I'm using mine. As it started shaping, I laughed, this is going to turn humans into more like us, humanoid animals. This will show the humans not to mess with them. To test it out, he wanted to mutate the human that inspired him, well not really but was a part of the experiment (Forcefully), and of course, things just couldn't go his way. It was his fault—he shouldn't have brought the turtles into this section of the lab, but he had no choice, I mean, he had to take care of them somehow and the red-striped one was still insanely sick. While trying to mutate the human, he managed to catch him off guard and was able to escape. He also started to break anything. I attempted to capture him, but he was too fast. When he broke the machine with the empyrean mixture, it got all over him. Serves him right for trying to do something so stupid. I had lost interest in him by that point, I mean it looked like my experiment was going well; my priority right now was to find the turtles. I tried to reach for them, but the human-turned-rat snatched them up and escaped. That was the last time I saw my sons. A few things to note, Splinter only took the turtles so they wouldn’t be experimented on. Or, Draxum is not a soulless being; he experiences emotions. When he sees the turtles, he realises he wants to become a father and chooses to abandon his plan to make soldiers in order to become a better person. However, he still feels anger towards humans and seeks revenge. Oh and did I mention that this story contains Splinter being a bad father… No, well that as well.

- This story is like the same as the one above but instead of Splinter being fast enough to (take) rescue all of the turtles, He was only able to take one, a certain red-striped turtle. Yes, they all still mutate from the empyrean mixture, yes, this is a separated AU, yes, this is a good parent Draxum and a bad parent Splinter fic and yes, I love Draxum being a father, leave me alone again.

(Sorry this one is going to be long) - His life was a mess. Between losing his mother, fighting with his dad, becoming a famous movie star, finding someone he actually fell in love with, and turns out she’s a psychopath spider lady that wants him to fight for her nexus thing and then given to the Draxum fellow and being an experiment on to make some, then I couldn’t possibly understand even if he wanted, he just got real tired, real fast. So when he managed to escape, he noticed the turtles that Draxum had. he didn’t want them to suffer, he needed to protect them. So without even thinking he used all his strength and gathered them up one by one. When he was about to leave, he stepped on the green liquid. It burnt, it made his bones break and shift and hold. It was agonising. The next minute he realised he was pink, Pink! He didn’t have much time to process that, he needed to escape from the lab… He was a rat. A rat. That’s what he saw from his reflection.  He was a rat that now had 4 mutant turtles to take care of… so he sighed and sucked it up like he always did… Years passed, and he spent that time naming them, finding himself a new name 'Splinter', finding food, shelter, and entertainment, for the boys and well, just trying to provide for them. Yet, something always felt off ever since he escaped with the turtles. At first, he didn’t know what it was. Well, that was a lie. It was the red-striped turtle, Blue, Leonardo as he called him, who always seemed different. Not in the way one might think, like, "Oh, this turtle is going to grow up to be a murderer." No, it was something else. From what he remembered of the earlier days, he would often get sick—too sick sometimes. When it was time to walk, he wouldn’t. Even the youngest turtle, Orange, Michelangelo, managed to walk during those times. As for talking, years have passed, and the others began forming sentences long ago. But Blue was still just chirping for quite a while, he finally started speaking when he turned five. Yet, that wasn’t the strangest part. Despite everything, he was still incredibly smart—too smart for his own good. That realisation sent me spiralling. It was all so abnormal. Now the turtles are seven, and we were living happily. Donnie wanted to play chess, so Splinter played a game. After a while, he got bored and left. Just as Splinter was about to pack up the chess pieces, he saw Leo standing there. Leo asked if he could play. Since Leo had never played chess before, Splinter hesitated and asked if Leo even knew how to play. Leo confidently replied that he did. So, we sat down and started playing. Leo was surprisingly good, but after a while, he seemed to lose focus. I thought he was going to lose anyway. Suddenly, he shouted, "I win! I beat you!!" I looked up and froze. He was grinning—no, smirking—with a smug smile. It reminded me of someone who used to smile like that, someone I thought would be important in my life. That’s why I have always been on edge. The turtle sitting there with that smug smile looked exactly like Big Mama. Or Splinter is an unfit parent who has been traumatised by Big Mama. When he realises that Leo resembles her too much, he devises a plan to get rid of him and makes it appear to his brothers that Leo has died, but in reality, he approaches a Yokai gang to see if they want a kid. 

ROTTMNT X TMNT Crossover

- The 87, 03, and 12 turtles are transported to the Rise Universe due to a rare universal collision, three months before the horrific Krang invasion. Will the alternate turtles have to fight alongside them in battle, or will they be able to send them back home before it’s too late?

- The 87, 03, and 12 turtles are accidentally brought into the Rise universe after Donnie attempts to build a portal in case there’s another invasion in the near future. The Rise boys are not okay. Read as the alternate versions of the turtles try to help and heal the terrified and broken boys.

- The 87, 03, and 12 turtles find themselves in a completely new environment filled with horrors they could never have imagined. Will the future rise boys be able to protect them and send them back home, or will it be too late? ( This is set in Cass’s universe. The comic by somerandomdudelmao)

- It’s no surprise that after the Krang invasion, Big Mama's Battle Nexus has suffered greatly. No one felt safe, no one wanted to watch, and there was no fun in it. It was all the Turtles' fault, and well, Big Mama had a brilliant idea—one that no one would want to miss. After all, she had connections everywhere, including a friend who was an enthusiast of all multiverse theories. Some might think these theories are far-fetched and impossible, but Big Mama knew they were real. After all, even the purple turtle believed in them too. Or Big Mama created a plan to capture the 87, 03, 12, and Rise Turtles to put on a show that would restore her fame. (Feel free to add more iterations if you'd like!)

- Ever since Big Mama met the turtles, the blue one has always been the most intriguing of them all. There was just something amazing about him. He could outsmart her with a smug smile and a clever pun. He faced her battle nexus champion without batting an eye, showing no signs of stress. He was just like her—cunning, manipulative, charismatic—and he could effortlessly persuade someone to accept a deal, only for that person to realise too late that they were merely pawns in a game designed for the creator to win. She needed him in her nexus... No, she needed multiple versions of him. Or the 87, 03, 12 and especially Rise Leo (and any others you might want to include) are taken by Big Mama because she is a psychopath who wants her favourite turtle to fight and compete in her battle nexus

- Mikey saved Leo from the Prison Dimension, but they weren't skilled enough to prevent Leo's many injuries. After three weeks of trying to stabilise him, his condition worsened, and he ultimately passed away. The Rise fam breaks, all blaming themselves for what they think could have been preventable. It’s been four months, and they are still grieving the loss when suddenly Donnie’s lab exploded, rocking the whole lair. When everyone rushed to check on Donnie, they found him just standing there, clutching his limp arm and shaking. As they turned to see what he was staring at in terror, they froze. Before them were more turtles, different versions of themselves, and each one had a turtle that wore a blue bandana... Alive, and standing right there.

- What if we created a fanfic where Draxum chooses a specific red-eared slider to become his sole soldier? He had no brothers to begin with. Draxum uses the empyrean mixture to mutate the turtle and trains him for years. When the turtle turns 16, a malfunction in one of Draxum's machines accidentally transports him to 2012, where he is discovered by him and... more of him? He soon realises that in another universe, he had brothers. Or Yes, finally a truly evil Draxum fic where In this version he only wanted one soldier and after using the empyrean mixture, he kills Splinter and raises the turtle (with a different name than Leo) in a manner similar to how Gaster raised the characters in "Handplates" if you never heard of that then just treating him really poorly. When this turtle reaches the age of 16, he is transported by accident to the 2012 TMNT universe (post-show, so they are like 23 now). (Feel free to change the iterations)

- After rescuing Leo from the prison dimension, he falls into a coma due to the trauma he experienced. Donnie tries to bring his twin back to consciousness with the help of Mikey’s mystic powers. However, when the machine they created malfunctions, it inadvertently brings three different versions of themselves into their world.

- After the invasion, the Rise family is still recovering. They thought it was all over and that they could finally rest without any more threats. However, they soon realise, the universe hated them, so just when they were starting to heal, different versions of themselves crashed into the lair (literally). Out of all the things they could have been talking about, of course, it had to be fucking Shredder of all people. Or all of the Shredders are back and seeking revenge.

ROTTMNT X Marvel and Undertale

- Eight months have passed since the invasion, and Leo is helping Donnie with his dimensional portal when it malfunctions and unexpectedly sends Leo to the Marvel universe, just months before Infinity War. (Domestic Avengers.)

- Eight months have passed since the invasion, and Leo is helping Donnie with his dimensional portal when it malfunctions and unexpectedly sends them to the Marvel universe, just months before Infinity War. (Domestic Avengers.)

- Same as the two above but instead of Leo helping Donnie, is Mikey. Or PB & J unexpectedly gets sent to the Marvel universe, just months before Infinity War. (Domestic Avengers.)

- Pretty much the same as again but this time Donnie has already finish the portal and the brothers gather together to see Donnie’s work. Or Rise Turtles goes to Marvel just months before Infinity War where the brothers have to deal with just another invasion, isn’t that fun :D. (Domestic Avengers.)

- Mikey tries to save Leo after he sacrifices himself to save the world, but it doesn’t work as intended and sends him to the Marvel universe. (Domestic Avengers.)

- Mikey tried to save Leo after he sacrificed himself to save the world, but things didn’t go as planned. Mikey's strength accidentally opened multiple portals to various unknown locations. They reached out to grab Leo and pull him toward them, but the Krang were quickly approaching, and Leo wouldn’t make it in time. Without thinking, Donnie jumped into the prison dimension and pushed Leo through an unknown portal, shouting for Mikey to close the portal. The last thing Donnie heard was Mikey and Raph yelling at him and the Krang growling right behind them. Or Mikey was able to open a portal to save Leo, but there wasn't enough time to guide Leo toward them. Donnie quickly jumped for his brother and saved him from the Krang. However, Donnie was about to realised that the portal had transported him to another multiverse. Or the Disaster Twins enter the Marvel universe accidentally when Donnie tries to save Leo. (Domestic Avengers.)

- The one above but instead of the Marvel universe it’s those fics where Sans tries to bring Gaster back with the machine in his basement but accidentally brings his alternates. 

- Mikey attempts to save Leo after he sacrifices himself to protect the world from the Krang. However, things don’t go as planned, and instead of rescuing him, Mikey accidentally sends Leo to an entirely different multiverse, where there are multiple groups of spooky, scary skeletons wandering about. Read as the skeleton aids Leo in healing and protecting him from the horrors of the invasion and his mind. Or you know those fics where Sans tries to bring Gaster back with the machine in his basement but accidentally brings his alternates. Yeah, that but the machine picks up Mikey’s mystic power and connects with it, and brings Leo there.

- Eight months have passed since the invasion, and Leo is helping Donnie with his dimensional portal when it malfunctions and unexpectedly sends them to the skeletons because Donnie’s machine somehow connected the skeletons machine.

- Eight months have passed since the invasion, and Mikey is helping Donnie with his dimensional portal when it malfunctions and unexpectedly sends them to the skeletons because Donnie’s machine somehow connected the skeleton's machine.

- A reaction fic where Undertale, TMNT and Marvel are transported to watch one of their loved ones' story with angst while the chosen people are stuck together watches them watch their life unfold for a bunch of strangers and loved it to see how fucked up their life has been. 

- Big Mama was a collector at heart, no matter what it was—alive, dead, artefacts, books, or even humans. They were all things she could display or use for her own benefit. but eventually, she lost interest in collecting, it was all the same, there was nothing new. After the Krang invasion, she began to think more about the portal that brought the Krang, she heard everyone that it was a dimension, and well that meant there must be other worlds out there that hadn’t interacted with this one—worlds she hadn’t yet captured in her grasp. Things had grown boring ever since she collected everything she wanted, and the Battle Nexus was a shadow of its former glory. Maybe if she could connect to these other worlds and research them, she could then grab whatever she wanted. This might reignite her love for collecting and make her Nexus much more fun and interesting. Or Big Mama wanted to expand her collection further after finding out Multiverse might exist. She was eager to capture different, intriguing things. So, she turned her attention to finding interesting worlds, worlds like Undertale (You can have the freedom to incorporate anything since Undertale is so broad. You can do its cast or its multiverses, such as the Council, stars, the Bad Sanses, or you can write about those fics where Sans tries to bring Gaster back with the machine in his basement but accidentally brings his alternates. When I think of those stories I usually have seven to eight pairs of brothers in mind), Other versions of the turtles (87, 03 and 12, (and any others you might want to include)) and Marvel (I love Domestic Avengers.)

Okie, that's it... I'm so sorry for how many there are.

[incalculablepower]

I feel truly spoiled by the amount of fantastic fics I've been reading and bookmarking this month! I've picked out a few faves in this post -- not an exhaustive list at ALL!

Some of these were only uploaded in the past few weeks, some of them are several years old. If you read and like any of these, be sure to show some love to the authors in the form of kudos and comments.

Seven Words for Snow by Delphi

Sometimes when I read fiction set in the places I've lived, there's an familiar feeiling i get that reminds me of fanfic. There's something comforting about experiencing a place you know well rendered in fiction. Getting a double dose of that through Delphi's writing is a real treat in this fic as the main character (Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank!) takes the train from Union Station along the shores of Lake Ontario -- a journey I've taken myself many many times.

In one direction lay the arctic, where she meant to summer if her funds would take her that far. In another direction lay the hospitable coal port where her first ship had docked, and opposite it lay the expansive wheat fields of the prairies, and the great mountains, and the cedar rainforests of the furthest coast. And somewhere, she supposed, was the way back to Ohsweken, where perhaps the milder edges of the very same storm were blowing. 

I also recommend The Wolf Covers Its Tracks (All Us Human Extras Remix) (Werewolves in Banff! a Tragically Hip reference in the title! a deeply relatable explanation of the call of the void one experiences at Niagara Falls) and A Dream of Winter, which takes the odd line in DH about Kendra looking Native American and gives her a full backstory as a Mohawk woman from Six Nations.

Orchards by @whinlatter

How completely exciting it is to see a fic come up on @ao3feed-romione, and it's over 10k words, and it's canon-compliant, missing moment Harry/Ginny, and it's the author's first fic, and it's my BIRTHDAY? I wish I could experience reading this fic for the first time again. Something I really love about this moment in time in HP fanfiction is that there are so many authors (and I'll include myself in here, why not) who have such a deep connection with these stories. We read them at an exciting and formative time and they've stuck with us. And now, we're all grown up with grown-up writing chops and life experience and all the things that make us better at telling stories, PLUS years of thinking about these characters? It results in some of the most comforting and affirming fanfiction you can get. The nostalgic summertime vibes in this fic are immaculate, packed with some truly knockout poetic lines, and jokes I really laughed out loud at. After reading, I recommend the author's response to an ask which serves as a meta on Ginny's t-shirts in this fic.

Green Light by iota_after_dark

It's Ginny/Hermione smut! And it's sweetly sad, sensitive and hopeful. Hermione's status as the fandom broomstick (everyone gets a ride!) means Ron needs to be out of the picture and it normally follows the same formula: Ron is boring/stupid/mean/whatever; she ditches him; [insert character] steps in to show her a good time. In this fic, however, it's not Hermione's decision, and she's given the space to be a little mopey and sad in a way I find really refreshing! Also major points for my new favourite tag "Hermione wears a going out top (it's 2001!)". I've recced it before on my tumblr, but be sure to check out Essential Lessons from this author as well, a Romione fic that balances goofiness and sweetness so well.

Vetus Amicus by @floreatcastellumposts

What a beautiful parting gift to the fandom from Flo. I cried several times reading this.

alone now by Kyra

A short ficlet about Hermione's mother in Australia and memory, very powerful.

Love by @indigo-scarf

I loved this exploration of Blaise and his relationship with his mother. PS be sure to check out everything in the @harrypocter Winter Sun drabble collection -- if I recced everything I would be here all day, everything in that collection is worth your time.

the good sleep better by honey_wheeler

This is an old one, and I was sure I've read every immediately-post-battle fic there is but somehow this one slipped by me. I'm comfortable calling this one of the best, it has such a great balance of delirious humour and depth that such a moment deserves.

a louisville slugger to both headlights by @pebblysand

Okay so up there ⬆️ I had mentioned that reading a fic felt like a gift specifically for me, but then last week I got an email from Ao3 that there was a gift waiting for me and it was this fic! Jo took my stupid semi-viral post about Harry's wife Sheila and RAN with it, constructing a whole new OC and a really convincing and heartwarming world where Harry and Ginny are divorced. And Harry has married a woman named Sheila. Who he met at work. All of the meta references here tickled me so much... if you want more of my thoughts there is a massive comment I spent 40 minutes (I timed myself) writing. This is so so special to me.

The Last Enemy: The Howling Nights by @chdarling, podfic by ShootWithIntentToKill

This WIP podfic is a perfect way to reread TLE during the TLE2 hiatus. Every chapter is around 10-30 minutes long, which makes it slot perfectly into a my weekly cleaning/chores podcast rotation. Slowing down to listen to the podfic means I'm catching sooo much foreshadowing and references this time around and I love the voices the narrator has chosen for the characters, Lily and Sirius are my favourites. I love having this pod keep me company.

I hope to do this for each month going forward - I doubt other months will be this intense (I didn't read a single book this month lol) but there are always a few new and old faves I discover or revisit each month. Once again, leave a comment or kudos on these fics if you liked them!

[beannary]

You should totally give us some more Trollhunters thoughts cause that would be so insanely cool and sexy of you please please please please ple-

so this little drabble i wrote when I was taking an anthropology course called ritual and religious actions and we were learning a lot about you know rituals and religious actions and it got me thinking about how douxie experienced cultural change over the centuries

Now as much as Hisirdoux loves humanity’s propensity for change, it can also be quite frustrating at times. The world that Hisirdoux grew up with existed so far in the past that even the most devoted of historians only have the vaguest impressions of the life he once knew. It’s an incredibly lonely and isolating experience, one he would never wish upon another human being. It’s even more frustrating considering he never even realizes changes are happening until he’s standing in a world that’s completely foreign to him. 

Take weddings for example. What seems like just a few years ago to him, weddings were modest affairs only taking a week or so to arrange and only involving the closest of friends and family. He’s not sure when that changed exactly but oh boy did it change. Hisirdoux was invited to a wedding not too long ago, by a coworker no less, which already threw him for a loop. But the ostentatious white dress, luxurious cake, multiple course meals, the fanciful decorations, followed by hours upon hours of dancing and partying long into the night truly made him feel like an outsider. 

Now he can see the connecting threads between how cultural traditions change. At the end of the day whether a wedding is planned in a week or months and years in advance they serve the same purpose in the end. To transition between the life stages of being single to being married, while also serving as a completion of the engagement period. Basically he understands that what he was invited to is a wedding, and he understands how it is a wedding, but he has no idea why it has changed so drastically. 

It’s frustrating to say the least, but there’s not much he can truly do about it. He doesn’t have the patience to academically analyze history in order to understand why humanity is the way it is. Besides, he’d much rather focus on the future rather than risking getting stuck in the past. 

Hisirdoux does try to keep up with cultural trends, he really does. But sometimes you use up too much magic trying to vanquish a basilisk, end up sleeping off the magical exhaustion for 30 years and miss Columbus ‘discovering’ America. So yeah, sometimes he misses things.

It hasn’t been a problem until recently, when he started interacting with non-wizards or witches on a more regular basis. Before he was forcibly adopted by a group of traumatized teens, Hisirdoux’s only real friends were Archie and Zoe. And even then Archie isn’t even human so it’s not like he even gets anything about human cultural traditions, and Zoe is in the exact same situation that he is in. If one of them accidentally uses outdated slang or whatever, chances are that neither of them will notice.

That is distinctly not the case whenever he is interacting with team Trollhunters, or even their parents. It makes him feel like an old man, which he is not, thank you very much. He will forever be 19 years old, give or take a few centuries, and no amount of outdated references will change that. 

[tired-biscuit]

i've just seen your posts on dash biscuit and its so sad you're feeling like that :( If i'm to tell you the honest truth biscuit, I don't remember how I found your account but i remember being so intrigued and hooked immediately - I went on to read your War General Kiba (to somewhat expose myself.. I am War General Kiba anon from around a month ago) bc your writing itched my brain so fuckin good !!

It makes me so sad that uni started recently for me and I have been so caught up I haven't gotten around to reblogging war general kiba because I haven't gotten the moment to write my thoughts regarding those:( they're sitting in my drafts. I decided I would read every single one of your fics a month ago (unfortunately I haven't been able to yet) - including the naruto thirst you elaborated on for me, and though I haven't gotten time to read it, THANK YOU SO MUCH BISCUIT for taking your time out to do that :( <3

You deserve every single one of those likes , but you deserve them alongside an equal amount of reblogs :/ i sincerely hope that these followers and whatnot pull their heads out of their ass and start reblogging - because if they don't, they're not going to have anything to read. bc biscuit you are such an amazing and talented writer, and it always blows my mind we get to read your masterpieces for free. FOR FREE!!!! that is so crazy like, this is stuff that could get you MILLIONS and we have the blessing from you to type a few words onto our screens and read it! like WOW thank you so much <3 🍁 anon

oh my gosh, you’re so sweet; imma start sobbing!

listen, you don’t have to apologize for not being able to read my fics; i get it, life happens and we get busy as people and fanfiction definitely is NOT everything there is to life! so please don’t say sorry for that because there is literally no need for it, like i said. YOU’RE GOOD!

it just grinds my gears that i’m not allowed to vent on here about this particular topic because some people will INSTANTLY jump the wagon to call me ungrateful. i get it, i get notes, but people usually don’t understand that likes don’t mean shit on here and that the majority of those notes are just that: likes. sure, i get a little notif that someone liked my story, but i have no clue what they thought about it based from that heart. i have no clue if they’ve even actually read it. to make matters even worse, it makes the post just straight up fucking die.

i spend hours and hours and hours writing, editing, rereading, tweaking the same story for ages. i could just not post it and keep it to myself, sure, but i enjoy interacting with my moots and my followers in general, and giving people that share my interest in the same characters something to read about, because let’s be real; kiba is niche af. i like feeding the kiba girlies because i barely had anything to eat a couple years back when it comes to him and i’ve worked my fucking ass off for those notes over the years, SO OF COURSE I APPRECIATE THEM, OK?

this debate, or whatever you wanna call it, has been circling around here for ages and it’s useless at this point, i think... writers, artists, creators of all sorts say “please say thank you for my creation that i made for YOU after you’ve asked, i beg” and people call us ungrateful or stuck up or whatever the fuck. i mean, do people seriously think i enjoy self-reblogging all the time and begging for interaction like that robin hood meme with the cup???????? no, i do it because it is the only way people will see my work before it disappears into the ether once again, ffs!!!!!!!!

ANYWAYS, i will write a drabble for your war general!kiba ask when i have the time, i promise! i just want to actually make it good and write like a proper story instead of just my thoughts because he is very dear to me and i am a perfectionist when it comes to my royalty AU and it makes me overthink and just… yeah! he has been sitting in the back of my head, clanking his heavy weapons impatiently, lmao.

I LOVE YOU!

[evellys--blog]

honestly lviing

okay, ive kinda been on a pause with posting, and its mainly bc of me being afraid of pushing an image that i dont care about the political landscape, that i dont care about the people going through genocides, exploitation, capitalism, and colonialism right now, and I do, its on my mind 24/7, and im trying to refocus a *lot* of what im doing in life to being more about volunteering, community building, local events, stuff like that, but I just wanted this blog to be a simple, almost journal like experience, where I just write down whatever i want at the end of the day, yk? but no, i became so self-absorbed, so egotistical, with nothing too lmao, no followers, no reach at all, that i just stopped posting my own stuff, just to maintain my "image." which imo is much worse than just being honest about not doing very much irl to help, which feels sad to admit, but im rlly not doing much at all, and idk why i havent, but im spending each day learning and trying to extend more.

It's hard lol, ive spent basically my whole life being walled off, like fuckin self-isolationist, and not taking v much risks at all, i stayed alone the majority of quarantine, i stayed alone majority before quarantine. Yk the meme of like "my life was the same during covid" that spread a bit during the earlier days of it? yeah thats how i felt lmao. Then I justified it to myself with "oh im an introvert," "oh im just an infp lol," "i dont need people," and i just am alienated from everyone, recently not as much, but def its still there. Ive had this feeling of craving for community for a few months now, almost a year, and it feels like ive made so little progress. Everything i do feels like it takes twice the amount of time it takes anyone else, I dont even know why, (lol rant ahead prob) like its so annoying seeing ur friends make excellent music or make a great video game, and ur stuck fucking learning how to code physics for the 3rd fcuking time, it irritates me so fucking much and then schoolwork i procrastinate to the point where almost everything i turn in is late, so it just backlogs and i cant make any meaningful creative projects, but then bc of that im too fucking depressed and seeking gratification that i just procrastinate more, so then i never learn any real skills and im fucking boring and i cant fucking communicate so im fucking awkward around ppl and then it just alienates me from my friends more and its just this stupid fucking cycle and. ugh. anyways. it should not be this hard. it really should not be this hard. most of its on me. but i really dont fucking know. I'm learning, im rlly learning as much as i can but i feel like im fucking clueless.

peace and love, and Free Free Palestine! Within our Lifetime!!!

[rozinaaa]

A Little Bit Of Analysis From The Previous Post (About My Most Current Favourite Song Ever)

The official music video for this (not the visualiser, which I posted) is absolutely chaotic, and would probably be my experience if I actually went to a rave, although this song gives me the chills (and an indescribable feeling) everytime I listen to it.

Apart from that, here's my take on those lyrics:

"I ain't gonna lie to you / Life's been fuckin' life-in' / And I need a night or two / To get me unwindin'" - You're just so tired of pretending to be someone that you're not (i.e. having a completely different personality online compared to real life, which can be jarring if you have an actual personal brand), that you just straight up say the truth on how everything's very overwhelming and stressful, to the point where you just need to take some time out from life itself, just to be able to catch your breath and try to figure out who you actually are, away from all of the noise and opinions that come from social media and the rest of the internet.

"I feel like I'm stuck in cycles every day / Come and get me out this loop / So just switch it up for me / It's time to get loose" - Following on from that, using social media (and also the rest of the internet) is an extremely repetitive thing, where algorithms usually feed you the same few things that you already know about and enjoy, but somehow make it extremely addictive so that you keep coming back for more, whether you personally want to come back or not (so for instance, if I predominantly listen to this type of music on Spotify, that algorithm will just keep recommending the same type of songs to me, and I won't really be encouraged to listen to other types of music that I might have previously enjoyed, and if I decide to look at what other UI Designers do (mainly as research for my job), the Instagram algorithm will keep showing me the same type of content, even if I want to look at other things from time to time), and where scrolling is a simple but harmful behaviour that keeps you stuck in that cycle of just consuming stuff every single day, to the point where you start to feel bored and disillusioned by the whole thing, so you take drastic measures (such as deleting the apps off your phone, and blocking access to them in whatever it takes, sometimes even going to the extremes if it's absolutely necessary, just be able to get out of that endless cycle), which might seem strange to other people, although it's to just break free from being stuck in an endless loop all the time.

"If we disconnect / We ain't gotta be aligned" - At first, breaking free from the endless act of scrolling is going to feel weird, since it's a completely different thing, compared to what you're normally used to doing, so it will take some time (probably weeks or months) to get used to a slower pace of life, as well as making peace with the fact that you won't be able to keep up with things at the insanely fast pace that you did.

"We can redirect / Everything that's on our minds, let it go / Change up your frequency and / You'll see how easily you'll disconnect / From everything that's on your mind" - This explains the concept of neuroplasticity (where you can literally rewire your brain to behave differently, which is also known as forming good habits to replace the old ones, even though the inverse is also true and somehow easier to do, so this is literally a case of changing your mindset and approach to things), so that you can focus your attention on other things, to the point where you eventually forget old habits, and where those essentially fall to the wayside, and in terms of the themes that I explore, after spending long amounts of time away from being trapped in an endless loop of scrolling and consuming content all the time, it doesn't really cross your mind that much, although if you randomly decide to scroll and consume content again (after spending months of not doing it), those old habits will spring back in no time.

"Disconnect / From everything that's on your mind" - What might seem really important right now (such as keeping up with influencers) might not actually be that important in the grand scheme of things, and you might not realise this until you take a step back and look at it from the outside, to realise how pointless and strange it is to keep up with someone else's life all the time, multiplied by the hundreds and sometimes the thousands.

"Where's my fuckin' lighter crew? / Put 'em up high then / Now's the time to raise the roof / Wе don't need the fightin'" - I don't know what a lighter crew is (I think it's a purely Drum 'n' Bass term), but to me, this means the people that you actually know in real life, who will usually be by your side no matter what, and will often go unnoticed if you typically keep up with the lives of strangers all the time, so being close with the people that you actually know can improve your life, since they will most likely support you through thick and thin by celebrating your achievements with you, without being involved in unnecessary drama that typically unfolds on social media and doesn't directly affect you, which can negatively affect you in the long run.

"When we're gettin' stuck in cycles every day / We know how to make it through / So just switch it up for me / It's time to get loose" - Having a small group of people that support you no matter what will mean that you're not alone in the struggle of being stuck in endless cycles all the time, since everyone will share their experiences of being stuck in similar situations, and making changes to your lifestyle won't feel so shocking when everyone else around you is also doing it, since you'll now have accountability partners that will notice when you get stuck in a negative cycle.

"If we disconnect / We ain't gotta be aligned / We can redirect / Everything that's on our minds, let it go / Change up your frequency and / You'll see how easily you'll disconnect / From everything that's on your mind" - Even if you're doing it alone, or if you've got a whole tem behind you, it will still feel strange at first, but the more you do it, and the more you change your mindset as well as adapting your lifestyle to adjust to your new mindset, the easier it will be to forget about unimportant things that you once thought were important, as well as being able to prioritise the things that are genuinely important in life.

"Oh-oh-oh, let it go / Oh-oh-oh, just let it go / Oh-oh-oh, let it go / Oh-oh-oh, just let it go / Oh-oh-oh, let it go / Oh-oh-oh, just let it go / Oh-oh-oh, let it go / Oh-oh-oh, just let it go" - This is basically your sign to let go of things (such as scrolling and consuming content all the time, to the point where that's all you ever seem to do) that keep you trapped in endless loops all time, and the repetitive nature of this means that you're more likely to follow through with your intentions to break free from the negative and endless cycles, since it's been said so many times, that you have no choice but to take action.

"Change up your frequency / You'll see how easily you'll disconnect / From everything that's on your mind" - A lot of people think that changing your ways will be extremely hard, but once you change your mindset and attitude towards things, it's a lot easier than you'd expect.

To be honest, it's kind of ironic that a catchy Dance-Pop DnB House song can pack in a lot of self-help advice as much as a self-help book written by stuffy academic locked in an ivory tower, but still make it relatable and appealing to a lot of people who might not have the time to comb through all of the relevant literature or explore all of the concepts (let alone even being aware of them), so to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if everyone started to use dumbphones (or at the very least, started to question their relationship and dependency on different technologies) as result of this song, although the musicians themselves would probably have to start this trend, which everyone will invariably follow at some point or the other, simply because their favourite musicians are doing it and they want to be like them.

I think it's for reasons like these (where the lyrics deeply resonate with me, but are presented in a light hearted way, so that I'll subsconsciously remember them) that make me enjoy this particular song so much, that I'd be willing to buy a physical copy of it (or on the album which would feature this song), just so that I can own it, because everything about it is extremely timely and relatable for this day and age.

[neon-moon-beam]

My roommate (@1863-project) and I have been talking about this for a bit, but it seems like maybe the pandemic/isolation has even affected quality of games lately?

We were talking about how everything in general seems to have dropped in quality (after I ordered a new piece of furniture and was sent half the parts in a different color and we had to call and ask for replacements and this was far from the first inconvenience with this store since 2020) but even games have been this way.

So much of Splatoon 3 suggests they’re out of touch with their fanbase. Nobody wants to lose their rank every “season” (heck, seasons seem pointless as you don’t pay to play the game like you usually do with games that have them), Table Turf is EXTREMELY hit or miss, but you can’t even play with other people at this point and get the same amount of points per win no matter which NPC you challenge, making leveling up a painful grind, Salmon Run still doesn’t give you any EXP and needs a lot of adjusting when it comes to Salmonid movement, player hitboxes, and the glowflies especially, Hero Mode demands perfection when the target audience is young teens (it’s just like Octo Expansion in too many ways but the difference is Octo Expansion wasn’t necessary to complete Splatoon 2′s Hero Mode)...and the bullying in Anarchy Battles is OUT OF CONTROL. Meanwhile the issue with the servers hasn’t been fixed at all despite having a few patches at this point. Whatever is going on feels half-baked and like the devs there forgot this game was intended for kids, and instead put out difficultly levels intended for pros and devs, suggesting maybe the devs got stuck in their own heads during the pandemic. Even the seasons feature would be for pros and devs because they can get their rank up quickly--casual players would barely get their rank up before losing it again. Either that, or they really just want you to play with friends, which it can be hard to find seven other people to play with if not all your friends like or own Splatoon, or can all play at the same time. Unfortunately and unintentionally, these things are gatekeeping casual fans from being able to enjoy the game much, or in the case of Anarchy Battles with random people, to even play the game.

The last three Pokemon games have been abysmal for various reasons. BDSP was outsourced and feels like a reskin of DP with very selective faithfulness to the originals. On the one hand we have only one button on the Poketch, the pacing hasn’t changed so it’s all grinding...basically it seems that the worst of Sinnoh has stayed. But on the other, we have quality of life updates such as Pokemon being able to follow you (which everyone wanted to return since HGSS), accessing the PC boxes from almost anywhere, HMs accessible from the Poketch (but disappointing as it’s the same Pokemon that help each time), and new rooms in the Underground to catch some Pokemon a lot earlier...yet they got rid of the Secret Bases for statues nobody wanted. “Faithful to the originals” seems to be a phrase they pull out only when faced with criticism for the games being nothing like what anyone had hoped for remakes, and for even being broken in some regards. BDSP feels like a game they definitely did not have time for, as well as one they may not have even wanted to make in the first place.

Everyone who’s been on my blog knows I hate PLA and that I haven’t played it in nearly 10 months. The biggest issue is the story; with all the dropped plotlines (INGO, the player character going home, what’s going on with the seemingly one-sided feud between Palina and Irida, the entire Daybreak Mission...to name a FEW) it really feels like multiple people worked on the story and none of them ever got to be in the same room, and they ran out of time and had to release the game as-is. In addition to this, the story contradicts itself a lot (”Pokemon are terrifying and humans and Pokemon must live separately!” yet from the start several people in Jubilife have a partner Pokemon, if not a team, the Diamond and Pearl Clans have several members who live alongside Pokemon, other regions are mentioned as already having people raising Pokemon and battling for fun, etc). As a result, the game feels incredibly unfinished and like the Pokemon Company (not Gamefreak) didn’t even care for it considering they announced Scarlet and Violet a month after its release...and PLA itself was released about two months after BDSP. Both games have been left without DLCs or major improvements, and PLA’s plot was just dropped, making it feel like development wasn’t able to fully come together and the corporate crunch just doesn’t want to have time to let anyone enjoy creating or playing these games before pushing out the next.

Scarlet and Violet...well, everyone is talking about how buggy they are. In addition to this, it’s still not truly “open-world” as you’re forced to do the Gym Challenge once again, and you have to do at least the Gym Challenge AND Titans if you want to be able to catch Pokemon at higher levels and access all areas on the map. The Gyms, Titans, and Team Star Bosses do not level to you so you either have to over-level your current party or be able to catch Pokemon of higher levels, meaning you WILL be doing the Gyms and you WILL be doing them in order according to the Gym Leaders’ Pokemons’ levels. The story could have been great, but gives too little too late. Starfall Street seemed to be the best-paced. Arven’s story gives you his motive early but doesn’t progress again until the final Titan. Nemona needed a lot much earlier because she unfortunately came off the wrong way to many people, as we don’t get any answers until the final part of the main gameplay and postgame. Often I find myself just riding around Paldea, looking for something to do because the trainers you find aren’t a challenge and there’s no sidequests, unless going to class and assisting your teachers counts, but these are more like playable cutscenes. This was a game that needed more time, but wasn’t given it. In many ways it feels like there was a schedule for programming things and once time was up on each segment, they weren’t allowed to go back. The overworld mechanics are much better in Arceus compared to SV, and it’s weird that being able to just throw balls at Pokemon, and have multiple Pokemon out in the overworld didn’t return...unless SV was programmed first and Arceus was actually where they improved things and weren’t able to go back to fix it for SV.

I’m just really wondering how much the pandemic affected how all these games turned out, as they were mostly likely being developed during the worst of it, and seem to be rushed as well as out of touch with what players have been wanting.

[tonguetyd]

Half blorbofication, half Feels™️

I’m gonna start with the feels and get that out of the way first. Because this chapter deals with Frodo leaving his home. And yes there’s more actual plot that happens and the Big Scary Bad Guys start to show up and the elves and stuff and that’s all great. But the big thing to me is Frodo packing up his home, the place that has been his, that he’s made his own…and selling it and leaving. (TO THE SACKVILLES!!!!!!!! UGH!!!)

And there’s this sense of just like. I am leaving and I am not sure I will ever see my home again, and if I do I will certainly be different. And that shit always knocks me the FUCK out.

Like the image of walking around an empty apartment, remembering “oh I looked out that window at the stars, this stain on the floor is from where I dropped a pot of sauce” kinda thing…like the laughter still echos on the walls even though you’re leaving it. It is so fucking painful to me now.

It used to be bittersweet! Because the number of times I moved in college from dorms and apartments and bouncing around, it was always “yes I will miss this place but new and exciting things are coming.”

And then 2022 happened. (This paragraph is going to be Drift Lore so if you don’t care you can skip to the next one.) My roommates moved out early May. I was running around with work and being in friends’ weddings and didn’t really get to enjoy having the place to myself until the first weekend of June. I was supposed to have 2 months to myself there and enjoy living alone until I found a new apartment when our lease was up in September. Instead of 2 months I had 2 days. Because the Sunday of that first weekend I went and tore my ACL and couldn’t walk, let alone live by myself. And certainly couldn’t find a new apartment. So instead I had to move back in with my parents at the age of 27, and pack up my home of 4 years. And that image of my empty apartment, and hearing the echo of memories around me while I am stuck on crutches and going backwards instead of forwards was. Soul fucking crushing.

Since all of that, ANY time there is a reference in a book, show, movie, whatever, about moving out, I *weep*. And this was no different, especially since Frodo is essentially going into this big scary unknown that he might not make it back from. The FEELS I felt for this poor dude. Oof. Ya girl projected entirely too much onto this lil guy with big feet. Projection onto literature. Shits wild. Idk if that’s really discussion more than just me rambling through my feels but. That was mostly what I was thinking about 😅

ANYWAY

The good thing about both Frodo and my reluctant and heartbreaking moves is that we had friends to get us through along the way. And while I would love a Sam Gamgee of my own, I did have a hound dog so that’s basically the same thing.

Sam. Sweet baby Sam. We can’t let the wine and beer go to waste. You are so right. We have to look after Mr Frodo and keep his secrets. Yes sir I will follow you anywhere. I love him, your honor.

And the END. WHERE HE IS EXHAUSTED BUT DOESNT WANT TO LEAVE “HIS MASTER” (there’s some unpacking imma need to do there but that’s later). SO HE JUST CURLS UP AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS LAP. 😭 me when, literally me when.

What I would give to have a sweet (human) Sam of my own. How Frodo didn’t immediately fall in love with him? A stronger man than I.

Ready for the next chapter where I will continue projecting onto fictional characters in an unhealthy amount.

Discussion Post 24th of March

The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring (Book I)

Chapter III - Three is Company

This post is meant as an incentive to start discussing this week's chapter. Feel free to talk about this week's reading or chat with each other in the tags or comments!

If you have a lot to say, or would like to add pictures, GIFs, polls, or anything else your heart desires, submit a post here.

If you need some inspiration, here are some prompts of what you could talk about:

your favorite quote

what was most surprising/exciting/new?

if you've only seen the movies, how did this differ from what you already knew?

something funny or interesting that caught your eye

(If you are here at a later date, do not worry! You are welcome to join in at any time!)