#been spending my thanksgiving break sleeping in late and watching anime

[pencakesstuff]

bebe doodles bc ive been sickkkkk

[eightysixed]

happier than ever

You call me again, drunk in your Benz Drivin' home under the influence You scared me to death, but I'm wastin' my breath 'Cause you only listen to your fuckin' friends I don't relate to you I don't relate to you, no 'Cause I'd never treat me this shitty You made me hate this city

words: 3.2k plot: emma and tomo’s relationship, in a nutshell. trigger warnings: abuse, assault, drugs, cheating, violence, blood, suicidal ideation, nsfw

Five years is a lifetime when you’ve just begun your twenties. It’s half a decade of years so formative and important that you don’t really realize their importance until they have flown past.

Emma spent those years with Tomo.

[ SEPTEMBER 2014 ]

A twenty-one year old goes to an Outkast concert. She gets propositioned by a guy. Rough, pushy, handsy, it’s enough to make her feel suffocated, plan paths of escape or desperately look for a face in the crowd that could intervene. Then he comes in with his buddies and they all but rescue her. How ironic Emma thinks, years later. What a Disney-ified, damsel in distress moment to have and to meet by.

They spend the rest of the concert together, follow it up with an after hours at Los Coyotes, wolfing down soft shells in between food-spitting laughter. Emma, Tomo, and his two buddies. The energy is infectious, and she doesn’t want to say goodbye at the end of the night. It’s a feeling she has never felt before; those sparks in his eyes that are in hers too, the way he grounds and floors her. They exchange numbers and Emma’s face lights up as she’s getting off her Muni owl: it’s a text from him.

It doesn’t take long for his contact name to acquire an Emoji heart next to it, the girl who ridiculed these kinds of things in high school now finding herself enamoured, head-over-heels, and not caring for the criticisms of formerly cynical self.

[ OCTOBER ] A month later and she’s packed up and moved into his place, about as happy as she has ever been of late; everything in life falls into place with him, just makes sense.

[ NOVEMBER ] He gets エマ tattooed on his collarbone; her name in katakana. She gets 23, his lucky number.

They spend thanksgiving with her mom in Cupertino. Frankie hasn’t seen Emma this animated again in a long time, composes a poem about in her head as the green beans and pumpkin pie are passed around. Later of course, she pulls out the baby photos, much to Emma’s embarrassment and Tomo’s delight. “You were such a fat baby, Jesus,”  Tomo laughs. “She looks like she ate baby Jesus,” her mother quips.

When her mom falls asleep, they sneak out and climb up Emma’s childhood treehouse armed with blankets. They gaze at a sliver of night sky through a gap in the roof as Emma tells him her childhood dreams of flying to space and inventing computers that could contact extraterrestrial life. They kiss, they make love, Emma ponders her stance on marriage being outdated and for chumps and losers next to a snoring Tomo.

[ FEBRUARY 2015 ] Their first Valentine’s day together they drop acid at Pier 39. An irate parent yells at them for making out on the merry-go-round in view of children; have they no shame.

She makes new friends, dozens, someone always at their place as Tomo plays them new tracks, smoke weed together, and watch the oil projector light show make shapes on the ceiling. They talk about the future, fame, and world domination.

They don’t discuss babies because neither of them care for that sort of shit — but they do talk about moving into a bigger place together, maybe getting a dog or two — the breed is subject of many arguments.

[ MARCH ] In peak puppy fever, Emma adopts a two year old rescue bulldog named Tito. It’s the first, tiny sign of a crack in their relationship, of dissent — she thinks she sees Tomo glare at the precious pup when he thinks she isn’t looking. But maybe she imagined it. He does shed and slobber uncontrollably after all, and her boyfriend happens to be a clean freak.

[ JULY ] That summer, Emma braves a plane once more to see Tomo play in Atlanta. His set is off the walls and for the first time, she is amazed to see just how many fans he has, how far this boyfriend of hers has come from making tracks in his living room. It’s just too bad she is fast asleep when he tiptoes out of their hotel room to meet one of said fans for a back-alley blowjob.

They roadtrip across the South to play some more venues and the pattern repeats itself in Louisiana, Texas, New Mexico. She wakes up in a cold sweat one night in Vegas, confused as to why he’s gone. “Out getting food. Got hungry.” The message hits her in a weird place, but she is tired, sleepy, and in a haze; Emma accepts, does not question. He even returns with some Taco Bell for her.

Timeskip — 3 years:

[ APRIL 2018 ]

Emma is on her hands and knees in a bathroom, vomit dripping off the toilet rim. She can’t remember how or why she got here, but she’s here. Everything seems to be swimming backwards. Eventually she is able to collect herself off the floor, splash water against her face and wall-to-wall stagger back out of the bathroom. It didn’t work, she’s purged the worst of it but still feeling funny. “Oh, Emma, there you are.” A man’s hands wrap around her. He says he’s friends with Tomo. Says he’ll take her to him. Fade to black.

Waking up with strange bruises should not become a norm, but it does. Emma dismisses it, goes to work, does her best.

Things with Tomo are a violent rollercoaster; some days are great, some days nondescript; and some days downright nightmarish. They fight, throw shit, break shit, yell at each other. Things almost border on the unacceptable as words turn into threats, threats turn to action. A hand around the throat; a body pinned to the wall — her body, of course. His weed grinder he threw that hit her in the head which he swore he’d meant to only toss at the wall. It never crosses a line into the unacceptable, though. That’s what Emma tells herself. He might push her down on the bed, sure, but a bed was soft. He might squeeze her throat in the heat of an argument, but never so much that she’s passing out. He doesn’t hit, kick, or punch her. That was what abusers did, not him. 

She tells herself he can’t help it, his mother used to punish him and his father didn’t love him and now he lashes out the only way he knows how, on the only person he can. He didn’t grown up in as loving a home like she did. He had his reasons. It was okay. They were okay. And the makeup sex afterwards? The best ever.

[ MAY 2018 ]  A month later and Emma is walking in on some girl riding Tomo’s dick like the world was ending, right there on their couch. On their goddamn couch they picked out together, hauled up the stairs with the delivery men. Somehow, the worst part about it all, Emma’s fucked up brain tells her, is that Tito is there to witness it. Her innocent, furry son, witnessing his ‘dad’ for all intents and purposes, cheating on his mom. A ridiculously thought but one she has nonetheless as she’s driving away, Tito next to her in the passenger seat. She goes to sleep at a friend’s and sobs the entire night.

Despite herself, she doesn’t break up with him; but the rift is a mile wide and constantly palpable. Tomo becomes relentlessly apologetic. Not only does he beg forgiveness, he does it live on-air at a radio station, on social media, Emma bombarded by strangers she doesn’t know writing her to take him back. Then he goes and uses her personal kryptonite pulls a Lloyd Dobler outside her work with a Cocorosie song she was absolutely weak for. She hates making a public scene but the sentimental part of her is melting at the gesture, the boombox, all of it. Emma stays. He’d been a shitbag, but he was her shitbag, with all his lovable and terrible qualities wrapped into one person, and she just had to take the shit with the good. Because there was no one else she’d rather be with, ripping side-stitches from too much laughter at four in the morning, tears in her eyes for a good reason this time, from one of his horrifying jokes. 

He was hers and she was his, that’s just how it was to be. Well, as much as she could call him hers when he seemed to be everybody else’s in the process.

Emma does ridiculous, degrading, uncomfortable things in the name of love, and yet in the end she can’t hold on to the love she had for him in the beginning. Way back when they were going up on that ferris wheel at the pier and he looked at her like he had nothing but love in this world, for her. That was what hurt the most, because now the ferris wheel only went down.

There are threesomes, fivesomes, sixsomes, so many bodies in between hers and the one she loves, all in the name of exciting him, holding onto him, trying to be something for him that measured up to Enough. But none of it is enough. None of it makes him happy, nor did it make her happy. She gives him an inch and he takes a mile and then demands more, smiling with blood in his mouth.  She breaks down and becomes something she doesn’t recognize in the mirror. Whether it was an act of revenge or desperation, or finally wanting to give him a taste of his own medicine, Emma sleeps with Corey, one of his best friends. She takes pictures, sends them to him “by accident”. She hates herself through it all, every moment of it, mostly for what he made her into. And yet, underneath all the layers of attempts at hurting him she was really just crawling on all fours, begging him to love her again, need her and want he the way he did in the beginning. Craving to get that first hit back, the one she had been on a residue high off of for four years, the one that now tasted metallic and rancid in her throat.

The worst part? Tomo doesn’t care. He texts her back, telling her to have fun, to send more pictures. She’s never felt this hollow, this empty, this non-entity of a being. The day of her high school graduation flashes in her mind, her dad telling her to never lose her identity, the core of what made her, her. Emma took that core and probably threw it into the Pacific. Somewher between Japan and California, it lies at the bottom of the ocean. 

[ APRIL 2019 ]

Turns out, Emma could draw a line, and that line was becoming accessory to a drug deal. She knew Tomo sold on the side to make up for all the money going into the records, but it had always been a few pills here and there, nothing big. But this? Fentanyl, Xanax, bricks of coke and hash? It was a lot. It was too much.

He sells the drugs and her to go with it, and that’s the end right there. The package she delivers to the apartment he asks her to deliver it to turns into a hostage situation, and she leaves hours later, bruises and caked blood on her. She can’t go home, doesn’t want to. She wants to jump off the bridge she’s crossing from Oakland back to the city. Any bridge, any of them would do. She understands why people jump from the Golden Gate now, or maybe always had. She was there now, climbing the railings, she was ready. She wanted that plunge so badly, would be sad to leave one parent, but good to be reunited with the other. Maybe there she’d be happy, maybe there she’d find peace. 

She calls Ben that night. She’s dry eyed and unemotional, but as soon as she gets the right words, verbalizes her situation, she’s sobbing again. Tomo is out of the city, across the country in Philly on tour. Now was the time, if there was any time for it. She’s not even done with the call when Ben is getting in his car to drive to her. It’s 6 hours from Ojai to San Francisco; he tells her he’ll be there in five. She never deserved a friend like him and never would, Emma thinks as she packs, hastily because somehow Tomo walking through the front door as a ‘surprise’ wouldn’t be out of the question. In the end, she can’t pack everything, has to leave so much behind, her records, books, knickknacks. Five years in this apartment and she’s leaving all of it behind, making a getaway in the middle of the night like some kind of burglar.

By three in the morning he’s here, and they get to packing her suitcases in the car, stacking them as best as they fit in his trunk and backseat, all of Tito’s things and then Tito on a bed in the seat in the back. Emma is in busy mode, stacking and packing everything as fast she can, still somewhere in the back of her mind thinking Tomo would appear at the last minute, and how with Ben here, things could get ugly. She doesn’t want them to get ugly. She loved him far too much to see him have to deal with Tomo, the only person in that specific firing line should be her and no one else.

They drive off. She only feels herself unclench an hour out of Daly City, somewhere in between the Bay and Southern California, where she can exhale. She’s still looking behind them constantly, wondering if every passing car could somehow be him. The saddest, most desperate part of all this that a part of her wants him to have followed. One last ditch attempt to get her back. An all out attempt, one where he would get on both knees and apologize, swear to never be this way again and follow through with it, because he was her person, he was her only person, there was nobody else in this world for her but him, but what do you do when you had to run from your person in the dead of night?

She pulls her raincoat tighter when they stop to get gas, a cold and windy middle of nowhere gas station. She’s not sure how she ends up embracing him, but they’re in it, and feeling someone’s arms around her, somebody that actually cares, who’d never hurt her, who was family, was her mom and his sister and everybody she loved rolled into one, feels like a reprieve. She feels like dirt for making him do this, making him worry, Emma was a piece of shit for that.

She says as much. He tells her to shut up, that she’s nothing like that and this was nothing that he wouldn’t have done for her on any night, any time at all. And maybe that, that was the night she fell in love with him a little bit, or realized she had always been, all along, but God likes to play Lucifer’s games with the little lives he watches over, and it wasn’t made to be, too late anyway since she’d left her heart in somebody else’s hands where it would stay. And he doesn’t need a mess like her anyway, just thinking of the name Catarina was enough. It had been five years but she still remembered the day like yesterday. How low he had been back then. How they would get high together and feel miserable together because at least they had that. They had Weetzie too, but she hadn’t experienced loss like they had, she sympathized but she’d never know what this particular slice of hell was like. But Ben and Emma knew. She knew it in that part of her ribs that met his, and she did not know what she would do if she didn’t have that, have Ben Abrams in her life. 

[ MARCH 2021 ]

Fast forward two years, and the ex is in town. Here, in Los Angeles. That very ex you worked so hard to forget, to heal from, to act like he wasn’t there. And yet, reminders of him were constantly there, everywhere. She doesn’t tell her friends, doesn’t tell anybody he’s in town, just balks when his so called best friend turns up in her neighborhood. She nearly grabs Tito and runs the other way, but it had been too late for that and they have a forced, awkward catch-up. He’s oblivious to anything happening, had barely known about her and Tomo breaking up. Figures, Emma thought, that he would act like nothing happened at all.

He’s in town, and every day she goes to work dreading something happening. She thinks she sees him outside the tattoo parlor’s window, but it’s someone else entirely. She’s losing it again, losing sleep, falling prey to her nightmares. Has a boyfriend now but even that doesn’t help, if anything, he’s a guilty reminder of just how little progress she had made, because she couldn’t devote the time and attention somebody like that needed in her life. Not when all she could think about was him.

The worst part is that once he’s long gone again, back up north, she’s feeling that hollow feeling again. Feeling upset that he didn’t seek her out, didn’t come see her. Even though she knew what an unmitigated disaster that would’ve been, the horrible, rotten part of her wanted it. Of course it wanted it. Two years and her skin still itched for him like an addict longing to be in the throes of fullblown relapse. But he didn’t track her down, call, or text, and that was that. Her only run-in with him involves a party flyer papered on a wall, his name in big stylized letters as the headlining DJ at the club. She stares at that flyer for a little too long, it burns itself in her eye like she’d looked at the sun for too long. And then she does the worst thing she could probably do, go on instagram. Only to find he has a new girlfriend. A brunette with tattoos who looked fun and flirty and everything she had been all those years ago.

That was the last tip of the scale. She reactivates her Tinder, finds some half okay looking guy, makes plans to meet him that night. It’s terrifying, so terrifying going through with, but she gets sufficiently drunk, then high on top of that, and goes through with it. Thinking of another boy’s name the entire time, his face, his body, hands and all the rest. Twelve hours later she’s leaving his apartment, no longer the nun of two years she’d become and feeling shitty about that on top of everything else. It was probably time to go see Karen again she thinks, smoking a cigarette under the sun that melts her while waiting for her Uber home. Thanks friends, thanks family, I’ve made terrific process with all your help and am now back to square one. Thanks for everything.  

Maybe in a decade’s time. 

Maybe she’d be over it by then.  

[cgaubrey]

2020 Wrap-up

Despite being largely canceled, 2020 was a two planner year. For us, this rather unprecedented year actually began in December 2019 when I finally accepted that I had reached a level of burnout and exhaustion I had not seen since I quit driving six hours one way to graduate school. I realized I had a terrible boss (spoiler alert: it was me!) and that if I’m going to give my life to this writing thing I might need to also try some living while I’m at it.

So last December I accepted that I was going to have to go through recovery and then, just when I sorta got comfortable with the idea, our beloved Basch Foo began (what we did not yet realize was) the final stage of cancer. We thought he was simply struggling with some gastrointestinal issues and we treated him for those. For 9 weeks there was no recovery for me, and almost no sleep for me and Basch and Bridgette. We finally accepted the inevitable in early March and made that painful, final decision.

The rest of March I turned my care over to (a far too happy to be an only dog) Bridgette. We slept a lot. Like…weeks of it. I honestly don’t remember much. I bought a new planner because so much of the first was filled with Basch’s rigorous daily care and meds. Bridgette began truly living her best life. Shane and I celebrated TWENTY years of being smooching buddies. (we have a solid three before that for which we’re also pretty darn grateful, but 2000 was The Kiss™ so we mark it. :D).

In April, I stopped sleeping 12 hours a day and I started redecorating. We’ve been here for a crazy long time, but we’re not ready to leave so it was time. I painted the living and dining room and bought a new area rug. We rearranged every single room. Bridgette basked in her only dogness to quite frankly an embarrassing degree. We bought her memory foam mattresses for her arthritis. She also now spends more time in our bed than out, though after one night of trying to sleep with us she realized that was terrible and thankfully still insists on her kennel at night.

A great friend gave me a Masterclass membership in May. I spent the entire summer listening to writers and working on short stories and remembering I’m terrible at short. I managed one at 5.5k but then my second attempt became a full-fledged novella (still in progress). I followed that with a Secret Garden reimagining at 15k; my Halloween short story reached an entirely unapologetic 10k words. I am, of course, always looking for readers so if you missed some of these and want a link, let me know. You can find the Halloween short <here>.

I also revamped the website this summer when I finally, FINALLY, chose the name I want to publish under. Hooray!

I usually travel a lot but that was the 2nd biggest change to my year. My first trip of 2020 was not until September, delivering a pair of diamondback terrapins to the rehabilitation program at the Charleston Aquarium. It was a single day, rushed (12 hours in the car), and exhausting but I did get the best sandwich I’ve ever had in my life from Brown Dog Deli and most importantly the turtles will finally get the proper care they need. Sidebar: leave wild animals in the wild, people. They are not pets.

Autumn brought my and Bridgette’s favorite season: PUMPKIN! We decorated and celebrated like no year before. With everything going on across the US (and the world) there’s been so much negativity and darkness (and honestly pure evil) and I won’t get into those things here but I will say that while fighting what fights we could from home, we were also largely insulated from it. And I know what a privilege that is.

Shane’s job didn’t change much beyond some increased overtime. He was still on site, which meant, my and Bridgette’s days only changed in that whole having to be home all the time. In late October, I attended my favorite conference virtually. That helped but I am still very angry at so much of our country for how this whole pandemic has been handled/treated. I don’t want to talk or think in terms of forgiveness but I can say without question that my opinions of people (collectively and individually) have been irrevocably changed by their actions.

November was NaNoWriMo and getting back to drafting a new novel. Thanksgiving was spent at home, decorating for our second favorite season and then, in a blink, December was upon us. We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary (which still feels so weird to say) on the 10th and pretty much baked and watched holiday movies and snuggled until…well now.

If you made it through the year then you won 2020, but I also think that if you look back upon the year, you will—like me—find growth or success in unexpected places. Tiny shoots of green, flashes of crocus petals pushing through the snow. For me it was breaking bad emotional and work habits. It was reading 66 books. Writing 125k words and finding joy in them. Painting again. Crafting again. Baking bread. Loving and caring for my pack. Letting them love and care for me. Giving myself permission to fail and be afraid and be angry. Finding that I would not, in fact, burn to cinders in those flames.

I’ll spare you the phoenix imagery. I’m honestly not much on the rebirth thing (for me personally) as I remain—moles, wrinkles, cackles and all—rather fond of my marsh witch, swamp witch self. There’s still work to do. Work on myself that I hope to see the proof of. Work that we must do to improve our world, seeds to be planted and ideas tended, the harvest of which we may not see in our lifetimes.

[lovemesomesurveys]

-What was the last song that you sang out loud? I’ve had Dance Again by Selena Gomez stuck in my head.

-If someone has bad breath, do you tell him or her? No :X I’m the worst about that stuff cause people will tell you they would want you to tell them, but I just feel so awkward about it and like how do you even bring something like that up? I mean, I have done the thing where I get some gum and offer them some haha, but I don’t tell them their breath smells.

-With which friend are you most likely to share a secret? I share my secrets with ya’ll and Twitter, ha.

-Do you have an item that comforts you when you are sad/scared? No. Well, unless count my phone cause I can use the YouTube app and listen to ASMR, which is calming for me.

-When are you likely to hide your emotions? I do that majority of the time. Well, try to. I downplay them a lot. I’m not as good at it anymore as I used to be. These past few years my emotions started taking over and getting the best of me. When I’m in a mood, I shut down and just get quiet and standoffish. If you talk to me, I’m short and you can just see all over my face.

-Which is scarier: Dying of thirst or of starvation? Both would be horrible.

-Who was the last person to take your breath away? I haven’t felt that way from a person in a very long time.

-When you turn on the TV, what channel do you flip to? My go-to channels to check first are always E! and MTV. If nothing of interest is on, then I just scroll through the guide. It also depends on the time of day.

-Have you ever tried to help someone quit smoking? No.

-What was the last comment someone made on your music taste? I don’t recall.

-Where do you go/what do you do when you need to calm down? My bed. I’ll typically listen to an ASMR video and probably find a survey to ramble about it in and/or tweet about it. Okay let’s be real, before I do any of that I probably have a good cry first.

-What was the last mess you cleaned up? Uhh I mean, I threw away my paper plate and napkins I used yesterday after I finished eating.

- [TW] Have you ever had to talk anyone out of suicide? Yes.

-When you think of tomorrow, what feelings come to mind? Nothing.

-Who, in your opinion, has an amazing voice? Demi Lovato first came to mind. She sang the hats and helmets off of everyone during her Super Bowl performance of the National Anthem.

-Would you ever camp out on a beach, under the stars? No.

-What is the last thing you complained about? Not feeling well and about how achey I am.

-What was the last curse-word you said? Probably “shit.”

-When you fake sick to get out of school, what do you say or do to convince your parents that you are sick? I’m 30 years old and no longer in school, but when I was younger I didn’t really have to do that because I felt sick often enough.

-How did you recover from your last bout of tears? I cried them all out and then just did my usual activities (Tumblr, surveys, YouTube, watched TV).

-Do you still talk to your very first best friend? No.

-When was the last time something went terribly wrong? Blah.

-How do you console someone when he or she is upset? I’m soooo awkward when it comes to that. I just let them vent if they need to, but I struggle with what to say and do.

-Have you ever seen either one of your parents cry? I’ve seen both and it’s the worst thing ever to me. I hate seeing one of my parents cry.

-Choose one: Trip to outerspace, or trip underneath the oceans? Oh jeez, you just listed a couple of my biggest fears.

-How often do you feel overwhelmed? Often.

-How do you deal with everyday life? I...don’t. :/

-Do you have any secret obsessions or guilty pleasures? Nah. I’m not ashamed of any of the things I like.

-Aside from on this survey, what was the last thing you wrote about? Whatever I last tweeted. I forget.

-Who in your family do you act like the most? I have a lot of my dad’s personality traits. He’s moody, irritable, and easily stressed and overwhelmed. Sound familiar?

-What is the most romantically sweet thing someone has done for you? Ty did a lot of things. The thing that always stands out is one year during Christmas he drove to my house one night because had a present for me and it consisted of little things that I mentioned briefly that I liked and it was just really sweet cause it showed he was actually listening and paying attention. The fact he remembered and then went out and bought those things for me was just really, really sweet. He was so excited to give it to me. He didn’t want me to open them right then, he wanted me to wait until Christmas and send him a video of me opening them so he could see my reaction.

-When you go out to the mall, do people stare? When I go anywhere in public people stare.

-Have you ever been confronted by a mall cop for your behavior? No, but I did have one tell me to take my hood off haha. I just came in and it was raining and he came up to me like, “you need to take off your hood.” Like okay jeez.

-What just tears at your heartstrings? Hearing about a child dying or being abused. Animal abuse, too. Breaks my heart.

-Is there a show you swear that you will never watch? I don’t feel that strongly, but there’s a lot of shows I have no interest in watching.

-What was the last topic that you ranted about? I don’t remember.

-Is there someone that makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Sometimes. I’ve been told people feel that way around me as well.

-Were you ever afraid of one of your past teachers? No.

-Have you ever been in a physical fight on school grounds? No. Or ever.

-Have you written anything in a bathroom stall? What, if anything? Nope.

-Is your school like the drama capital of the country? I wasn’t involved in any of that when I was in school. I heard some stuff, but I wasn’t all invested in it like a lot of people.

-A homeless man asks you for 50 cents; how do you respond? If I have it, sure. I don’t usually have any change or cash on me, though.

-When was the last time you visited a thrift store? I don’t go to any.

-Can you handle constructive criticism? I can’t say I wouldn’t feel some type of way about it, ha. I’m just a sensitive bitch. Guess it would depend on what it was about, though. Like if someone was like, “hey, red doesn’t really look great with your skin tone and it clashes with your hair, you shouldn’t wear that” I wouldn’t care. I’d still wear it if I wanted.

Who is the most sensitive person that you know? Meeeee.

-Have you ever had a tooth (or teeth) pulled? Yes.

-You can have one famous person’s wardrobe; who do you choose, and why? I guess someone who was very casual like me and likes to wear graphic tees and leggings. I’d like to have their collection, ha.

-When was the last time you wrote someone a note? I have no idea.

-Do you tell your parents before you go somewhere, or just leave? My family and I are 4 adults living together and we all tell each other when we’re leaving and where we’re going. It’s just our thing. If something were to happen, we’d at least have an idea of where the other was headed. And it’s just common courtesy to us to say goodbye.

-What was the last thing you tried to get out of doing? I’d like to get out of my doctor appointment this afternoon. I’m still recouping.

-On average, how many surveys do you fill out in one day? It varies. Usually a few. Some days more than others.

-How many hours a day do you spend on Bzoink? I don’t use Bzoink.

-Which season do you dread the most? Summer D: It seems to go on forever and it just gets SO hot and miserable here.

-Do you ever brag about your achievements? I’ve never been one to brag. Not that I have anything to brag about, but it’s not a cute look.

-When was the last time that you watched the sun come up? Last week. We were at the airport before the sun was up and it was coming up after we just got on the plane.

-What did you do last Halloween? Watched scary movies and got takeout.

-Last Thanksgiving? Had a nice, big, delicious feast with my family.

-Last Christmas - if you celebrate? Christmas morning we got up early like we always do to open presents and then messed around with our stuff before pretty much resting the rest of the day. Oh, and we had our Christmas dinner that we usually do Christmas Eve, but my mom had to work until midnight that night.

-How did you celebrate the arrival of the new year? My mom and I watched the New Year’s festivities and counted down while the ball dropped. My dad fell asleep at like 9, so he was already out for the night and my brother was out with friends.

-Is there a foreign culture you’d like to learn more about? It’s interesting to learn about different cultures.

-Have you ever (purposely or accidentally) played with someone’s heart? I don’t think so. I’ve had it done to me a lot, though.

-Has anyone ever played with yours? Yes.

-Have you ever seen a famous painting and thought “I could have done that?” I admit that I’ve seen ones that were just like splatters and thought that. :X

-Fire drills: Did you ever wish they were real … just once? Yeah as a kid cause all that came to mind was we’d get to go home and not that it would mean there was an actual fire haha.

-What is the scariest thing about attending your school? I’m done with school.

-Are you a good judge of other people’s intentions? I think so.

What was the last thing that you felt strongly about? My faith.

-Shopping: best with friends, parents, bf/gf, or alone? Alone at home online, ha.

-What is one insecurity you have about your body? Everything.

-What is one part of your body that you are proud of? I like my hair currently only cause I recently got it colored and trimmed (finally).

-When was the last time someone told you to turn your music down? The night before we left for our trip. I was up late packing and my mom came in to ask me to turn my music down, ha. I didn’t end up sleeping at all that night. We left for the airport at 430. I didn’t sleep at all on the ride there or on our flight. I didn’t sleep until that night at the hotel. I honestly have NO idea how I did it.

-When you don’t know how to spell a word, do you look it up? Yeah, I just Google it real quick.

-Are you one to spend a lot of time in the bathroom? No.

-Have you seen the movie Super Size Me? Yeah, we had to in class. We watched it my sophomore year in my history class for some reason haha.

-Do you still eat at McDonald’s, regardless of that film? I was turned off to it for a little bit afterwards, but it didn’t last long. haha. I mean yeah, don’t eat it 3 times a day obviously.

-Do you ever consider the challenges other races go through? Yes.

-When was the last time you doubted your abilities? All the time. What abilities?

-At your favorite restaurant, what do you order? I always order chicken tenders and fries at any restaurant, ha.

-What was the last thing you wished for? I don’t wish for things.

-How many times a day, on average, do you look at the time? A lot.

[josthockeythings]

A Fireside Lovesong

Erik Johnson/Sam Girard

No Warnings

Rated M for making out and discussion of sex

For the @avsfamphotochallenge winter edition!!

---------

Erik was cold. Granted he was always cold. It’s part of the job. He stands, shaking the cold off, to grab another log to put on the fire. It was getting kind of low. The wind was starting to pick up. The clouds aren’t looking too happy. Erik grabs one of the wool blankets off the side of the hut when he sits back down by the fire.

It’s a weird time in the season. Too long after Thanksgiving for the early decorators but too long before Christmas for the late ones. Business has been steadily slow for the last week or so. Poinsettias line the porch of his sale hut. Evergreen trees stand tall in their roped section. Wreaths (made by him and decorated by the local townswomen) hang on the railings. Logs with red and green plaid cushions surround the firepit Erik fashioned from an old feed bin.

It’s business enough for the dead of winter. On the weekdays anyway. On the weekends his farm is a full-on Christmas Farm. He hires a Santa. His horses pull a dazzling cart. The kids can feed his animals treats. There’s hot cocoa and apple cider and treats galore. Erik decorates his farm, so it truly is a special winter wonderland. It’s a lot of work, but it is so worth it. He enjoys every second of it, despite what the townswomen say about his attitude toward the holiday season. He genuinely enjoys it. He just never shows when he enjoys anything, let alone the holidays.

He hugs his blanket a little closer as the wind get nippier and the angry clouds get a bit closer. He might just call it a day. It really looks like those clouds could turn into a storm and he needs to get the animals in and hatches battened down on everything around the farm so nothing flies away in the storm.

He gets up, bracing himself for the winter wind. He meticulously goes through everything at the stand, getting the blankets and poinsettias inside, the trees strapped down and the logs pilled against the side of the stand. He debates not putting out the fire, because the storm is bound to drop snow, but he can’t do it, not with so much product nearby and the wind so strong. He fills a large bucket with water and dumps it on the fire.

He gets in his truck to drive the short way to his farm. He whistles for his dogs when he hops out. Four dogs come sprinting after him. “Veda, Sebastian. Go!” He whistles and the two retrievers take off after his horses. The horses know what to do, seeing Veda and Seb. They follow the dogs back to the barn without question, where Erik leaves them hay and water before shutting it tightly behind him. The wind is getting nastier every minute he spends outside. He whistles for the dogs and Veda and Seb take off after his goats and sheep. He herds the chickens into their coop and meets all four of his pooches on the porch. Gia looks up at him with mournful eyes. He scratches her head then let’s them all inside.

The dogs hop onto their respective couch spots and Erik meticulously strips his warm outerwear. He can hear the wind starting to howl outside. He doesn’t remember a big storm like this being predicted, but anything can happen in Canadian winter.

He’s in the kitchen, checking the chili and getting a beer. Then, he hears the dogs scrambling before he hears a knock at the door.

“What the hell?” Erik mutters.

He walks out and looks out the window before opening the door. Standing outside is Sam. He’s a student in town at Nipissing. He’s also the son of a rich Quebec man that Erik buys equipment from for his farm. He tries to keep their relationship as friendly as possible because he gets discounts from the guy.

He opens the door, and Sam stumbles in. “What are you doing here?” Erik asks. It’s blowing snow now, the beginning of a blizzard.

“Wanted to hang out tonight. I did not expect the storm,” Sam says between breaths and stripping his outerwear.

“Why didn’t you call?” Erik says huffing. The boy looks so cold. Did he park his fancy SUV at the stand for Christ’s sake?

“I did,” Sam says looking up at him. “No one answered.”

“You didn’t try the stand or my cell?”

Sam shakes his head. He leans back against the wall, still sitting on the bench in the entryway. “I did not think to call the stand and you never answer your cell anyway.”

Erik’s brow furrows. He doesn’t like that this kid knows him so well. “You’re here now, I guess. Let’s get you warmed up and a beer in your hand.”

Sam beams and pops up. He idly rubs the dogs’ heads as they move to the kitchen. Erik opens the fridge and hands Sam a beer. Sam thanks him with a nod of his head. Sam takes his beer to the living room to hang out with the dogs who eagerly lap up his attention. They’ve always loved him. Erik shakes his head before he thinks anything more of it.

“How’s school?” he asks, looking into the slow cooker of chili. He begins to stir it idly.

“As good as school can be,” Sam responds.

“Are you off for break yet?” Erik tastes the chili. It’s pretty good, probably ready.

“Yeah. As long as the storm passes, I will be driving home later this week,” Sam says.

Erik starts getting the bowls down from the cupboards and serving the chili. “Well good luck with that. I hope it clears up for you.

Sam appears at his side smiling. “Yes. I do too.”

“Want some chili?” Erik asks.

Sam nods and takes the bowl from Erik’s hand, balancing it and his beer between his hands. Erik sets his own fixings on the kitchen bar next to Sam. He goes into the living room to throw a log on the fire. It’s starting to really get cold inside. He can see the snow blowing outside and nothing else. They might have a full-on blizzard on their hands. He hopes Sam’s decision to come here tonight doesn’t get him stuck.

The dogs lift their heads to watch him work. Then, they whine quietly and go back to almost sleeping on the couches.

When Erik returns back to the kitchen, Sam is halfway through his bowl of chili. Erik lets himself take a moment to admire the lines of Sam’s back. He must workout or play on a school club or athletic team of some sort to be in that good of shape. “What are you studying again?” Erik asks as he sits down. He needs to distract himself. He’s been interested in this boy for as long as he’s been working with his father. Sam is a friend. His father a couple decades older than Erik, but he himself about a decade younger than Erik. He shouldn’t be interested in Sam, and he’s definitely never let either party know his feelings towards the kid. It would be wildly inappropriate, not to mention what Sam’s father might do to Erik’s’ equipment prices if he ever found out. Erik relies on their friendly relationship to keep his costs down. He’s not sure if he’d be able to keep the farm if it weren’t for Sam’s family. His farm is everything to him. It definitely means more to him that some cute kid that happens to like to hang out with Erik a lot.

Sam hums through another bite of chili before answering. “I am getting my undergraduate in biology so I can move onto Nipissing’s graduate program for Kinesiology. I want to work as an athletic trainer for a hockey team someday.”

Erik notes the slight blush on Sam’s cheeks. He doesn’t know if it’s from the cold, the wind, or the warmth of the chili, or maybe even embarrassment. Erik can’t be sure. He also unfortunately notes how good it looks sitting high on his cheeks like that. He takes a bite of chili to hide whatever might be on his own face. “That would be really cool, kid.”

Sam scowls. “You know I am not a kid, anymore. I can drink legally in the United States, and I graduate with my first degree in the spring.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Erik says around a mouthful of chili. “But you will always be the eighteen-year-old kid you were when I met you.” He jokingly bumps shoulders with Sam, but he doesn’t seem to be as amused as other times Erik has made the joke.

Erik goes back to eating his chili, a tense silence falling over the two of them. The wind is still howling. It’s louder than the crackling of the fire in the living room. Sam stands up, bowl empty and rounds the counter to get some more.

“You still put down food like a growing kid,” Erik says, desperate to start the conversation again. Feelings aside, he does genuinely like Sam as a friend, even if it is a little weird that a guy in his young twenties hangs out with a farmer in his thirties.

Sam rolls his eyes, but a grin is pulling at his lips.

“Maybe next summer, I can convince your dad to let you stay here and learn what real work looks like.”

Erik is not expecting the look of sheer excitement on Sam’s face when he turns around from spooning more chili into his bowl. “Really?” Sam asks. “You’d do that?”

Erik doesn’t hesitate before he nods. “Absolutely.” He regrets it almost immediately. Having Sam in his house with just the prospect of it turning into multiple days because of this storm is scaring him. He shouldn’t be offering Sam a summer job, but at the same time, he’ll need the extra hands this summer. He hasn’t been getting many calls about people needing work this year. There’s still time of course, but Erik is beginning to worry a little. And extra hands are always welcome on a farm.

Sam sits down next to Erik with a sunny glow. He bumps his shoulder against Erik’s before he takes his first bite of his second bowl of chili. There are so many reasons Erik shouldn’t be into Sam, and yet here he is, with butterflies in his stomach.

They eat the rest of their meal in silence. After Erik gets up and puts his bowl in the sink, he gets the dogs’ food out of the cupboard. They bound happily over to him and wait patiently for him to finish serving their meal before starting.

“You have trained them well,” Sam says, lingering in the kitchen.

“Thank you,” Erik says. He tries not to let the confusion show in his voice. Sam has been over several times, a few times for dinner. He’s seen the dogs in action. Yet, this is the first time he’s ever commented on it.

Before Sam can respond the house is shaken with another gust of wind. They both look to the window. Erik doesn’t even want to guess how much snow is coming down. It looks like Sam will be staying the night, at least. They both startle when Sam’s phone starts to ring in his pocket. Erik ducks his head and moves to the sink to wash the dishes. Sam picks up the call and walks out into the living room.

Erik hates himself a little for listening.

“Salut, Papa.”

Pause.

“Oui. Je vais bien. Je suis chez Erik.”

Erik’s heart jumps at his name. He doesn’t really understand anything else. His French is terrible. Thankfully, Sam’s dad does business with him in English.

“Ça ne va pas bien.”

Pause.

“Vraiment?”

Pause.

“Oui, oui Papa. Je ferai attention.”

Pause.

“J’tamie Papa.”

Erik busies himself with the dishes when he hears Sam hang up.

“My dad is worried,” Sam says. He looks a little scared himself.

“What’s up?” Erik asks.

“He saw the weather report. Apparently, the blizzard is not expected to stop for another day at least.”

Erik swallows to cover the way his heart is jumping at the thought of spending several days with Sam. It’s stupid. He knows it. “So, you’re stuck here?”

Sam nods. “Is that… okay?”

Erik grins. “Of course. Come on. Let’s get the guest bedroom set up.”

Sam grins back at Erik. It almost looks sad, but Erik has no idea why. He grabs some sheets from the linens closet on the way to the bedroom and chucks them at Sam.

“Hey!” he complains, head peeking out from behind the pile.

Erik giggles and pushes into the guest bedroom. It starts fairly casual, pulling sheets down over the bed. Then, Sam hits Erik with a pillow when he wasn’t looking. Erik turns sharply to stare at the giggling Sam. He glares and grabs the other pillow from the bed. He launches over the bed and after Sammy. Sam yelps and runs around the bed looking for an escape. Erik smiles widely when he lands a hit on Sam’s chest. Sam stumbles backwards and swings back. Erik can’t help the bubble of joy building in his chest as the two whack themselves with pillows. It’s probably the most fun he’s had with someone in years. This isn’t “going out with the guys for beer” this is intimate fun you have with someone very close to you.

Erik has tackled Sam to ground and has him pinned while he tickles him when the power goes out. Everything stops. All Erik can hear is their breathing and the dogs’ whines from the living room.

“Shit,” Erik sighs when it’s clear that it’s not going to turn back on.

“Erik? Is everything alright?” Sam asks. The fear is clear in his voice. This isn’t just a snowy night. This isn’t just a blizzard. This is a power outage in the middle of a blizzard. This is a “gonna be stuck here for a while” blizzard. Erik hates the way Sam is trembling beneath him.

“Yeah. I think the snow took out the power line though.” Erik sits up and shifts off of Sam.

“What does that mean?” Sam asks. He leans into Erik’s shoulder, still shaking a little.

“It means we’re going to get the fire going as big as possible, first. Then, we’re gonna find all the blankets from around the house and get them into the living room. “We’re gonna be fine, Sammy, okay?”

Sam nods. Erik helps Sam stand and they go to the living room. The dogs are standing on the couches whimpering their direction as they walk in. The glow of the fire is all the light in the room. Sam rubs the dogs’ heads while Erik goes to grab more wood. He curses, remembering most of it is on the porch.

“Sam, there are flashlights in a drawer in the kitchen. Grab one and start gathering the blankets. I’ve gotta get some wood from outside. Won’t take too long.”

“You will be careful, yes?” Sam asks.

Erik nods. “Course kid. Now go get those blankets. We don’t wanna freeze tonight.” He gives Sam a wink before turning to get his winter clothes on.

He tromps outside in several layers. It takes a couple trips to get all the wood off the porch and into the house. Looking back, he’s probably gone a bit overboard. They’ll get the power up sometime tomorrow. He’s sure of it. Besides, the fireplace was built to heat the house if he needed it too. They’ll be fine.

He starts to stack some larger logs on the fire before stacking the excess against the wall in the entryway. Sam comes back to the living room with a pile of blankets taller than he is. A couple drag behind him. He looks like a child getting ready to make a fort. Erik kind of feels like that.

Erik smiles at him when Sam dumps the blankets in the middle of the room. They pull the cushions off the couch and with the blankets fashion an extremely oversized bed on the floor. The dogs take spots on the side and near the bottom. It looks like the coziest place on Earth and Erik wouldn’t want to be anywhere else tonight.

“Need sleep clothes?” he asks, knowing the answer. Sam didn’t expect to spend the night.

Sam nods, and they head back to Erik’s room. He hands Sam some sweats and an old, soft t-shirt. He feels tingles in his fingers where they brush Sam’s as he takes the clothes. This is stupid. He feels like a schoolgirl with a crush. Maybe, after tonight, things will settle. He’ll have spent a night with the kid, and that’ll help him get his feelings under control, at least a little. He changes quickly, while Sam changes in Erik’s bathroom. He grabs and few pillows from his bed for them to sleep with.

He’s in the living room when Sam comes out changed. Erik’s shirt is a little oversized and the sweats are much too long. His stomach swoops at the sight. He chastises himself, then let’s himself look his fill. Sam collapses on their makeshift bed in a heap.

“You are sure we are going to be okay, yes?” Sam asks.

Erik hooks his arm around Sam’s neck and pulls him in for a quick nougie. “Yes, dork. We’ll be fine. My house is equipped for something like this.” Even if I’m not, Erik finishes in his head. He will never be ready for the Sam sized gap in his heart.

Sam squirms out of Erik’s grip. “Alright. Alright.” He pats Beau who’s laying next to him. The lab shifts so his head is on Sam’s lap.

“So, is there anyone at school?” Erik asks. He grabs the pillows and starts shifting them underneath him. He hands a few to Sam.

“Anyone at school who what?” Sam asks. He’s not looking at Erik, giving all his attention to Beau who is glowing under the attention.

“Who you’re, well, you know…” Erik doesn’t really know how to ask what he’s asking. He mostly just wants to know there’s someone else in Sam’s life, to keep him out of it himself.

Sam turns to him a little confused. “Like, a girlfriend or boyfriend?”

Erik nods, turning his own attention to Veda.

“No. There’s not. Why?”

Erik doesn’t want to look at Sam’s face. “I was just wondering that’s all.”

“Erik.”

Erik swallows. Sam’s voice is soft, and it makes Erik feel like he’s about to be let down. But, when he turns to face Sam, his face is glowing, although it might be the firelight. He’s smiling brightly, and Beau is whining for lack of attention.

“Was it because, well, you might like me?” Sam asks, his voice full of hope.

Erik doesn’t know what to say to that. Thankfully, his face does all the talking for him, because Sam surges forward and presses his lips to Erik’s. Erik has never had a better kiss. He really hasn’t. He’s not sure he can describe it. It’s like fireworks and the warmth of being home and the happiness of Christmas all in one. It feels like Erik could burst. He pulls Sam in and kisses him like nothing in the world is wrong. Because, when you break it down, it really isn’t. He’s got all he’s ever wanted in this room: a roaring fire, his dogs, and someone he loves. He does, love Sam. It’s hard not to love the kid. And Erik wants his face around all the time now.

Sam’s hand slips lower, and Erik stops him, because as much as he wants to, getting it on right now would be a very, very bad idea. Sam whines questioningly into the kiss that Erik carefully breaks.

“I don’t think either one of us wants to clean up after. Let’s just do this tonight.”

Sam smiles and goes right back to kissing Erik. If nothing else, it helps keep them warm.

As they’re laying down for bed, Erik turns to Sam. “Just so we’re on the same page. This isn’t like a one time deal for me, Sammy. I can’t… I don’t think I’m the just-dating type either… I…” Sam cuts him off before he can continue.

“I know, mon chum. I know what I signed up for.” He kisses Erik again, softer. It’s the kind of kiss that says “I know and I want you too.” Erik sighs happily.

Later in the night, Erik wakes to Sam curling into his chest, then suddenly there’s a sharp knee in his ribs.

He groans. “Ow, fuck. Sam, you kneed me.”

Sam hums. “Yes, mon chum, I do need you.”

Erik’s heart soars. He wraps himself around Sam, gives him a kiss on the forehead and goes back to sleep.

[allaboutthebooz]

Without Me Chapter Four

Summary: The night before Halloween is spent in a bar with Sam’s friends picking on him. (WORST SUMMARY EVER!!!)

Warnings: Drinking, friendly teasing

A/N: One more part before Dean shows up and we finally move into season 1! I think I rewrote this part about two or three times because I just couldn’t get things to fit, but I’m mildly happy with it.

Y/n has been with Sam for four weeks and it was like he never left her. They easily fell into their old routines, minus the studying and visiting the arcades. With school closing in on Thanksgiving break, they spent as much time together as they could. The only time they weren’t together was when Sam was in class or they were both working. Sam had convinced her to get a job. She was now his favorite bartender at the bar he and his friends frequented when she worked. On the weekends, he worked mornings at the bookstore in town. Figured he would use his book knowledge for something.

It was currently Friday night, the night before Halloween and Sam, Brady and a few other guys were occupying the corner booth, giving Sam a perfectly open view of the bar where Y/N was serving drinks. He liked to keep an eye on her. He knew she could take care of herself; they were raised by the same person after all, but she was an unclaimed Omega working in a bar full of bull-headed Alphas. She wasn’t working by herself though. There was another behind the bar with her.

Dylan was the only Alpha that Sam didn’t mind Y/N being around. He has proven that he wasn’t a threat. He was 6’3” and looked like her could beat down any guy that tried to do anything Y/N didn’t like, but it was all for show. Don’t get him wrong, Dylan was laid back, but he would stand his ground if he absolutely had to. Sam didn’t have to worry about him pushing himself on the Omega.

The two were currently behind the bar, passing bottles of alcohol back and forth. Occasionally, they would stop between customers to talk and laugh. Same could practically feel her laugh within himself. This was the most relaxed that she had been since she showed up outside of his door. She wasn’t looking over her shoulder every time she thought Sam wasn’t paying attention or constantly checking her phone for threating messages voicemails. She was finally happy, and he couldn’t help but to think he was the reason.

The bar was decorated to fit the impending holiday. Most of the people around Sam were dressed as different characters/ Girls dressed in the shortest skirts and low-cut tops or some skin tight suit. The guys either dressed as some movie jock, superhero, or cop. Even Y/N and Dylan were dressed up. She told Sam it was required to dress up, per the bar owner. She wasn’t dressed like the other women in the bar. They were dressed as animals or nurses or something “sexy.” Y/N chose a medieval huntress costume. She looked like an angsty Red Riding Hood. Her pants tight around her hips and legs, her calves covered in knee high boots. Her shirt sitting across her chest and the sleeves resting on her arms. A deep red hooded vest covers the top and synched together at the waist with a belt. Black cuffs covering her wrists. Hair falling in soft curls down her back and around her shoulders. Her makeup dark and smoky, but her eyes bright.

Sam couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. She must have felt his stare, because she shifts her gaze to him as she hands a couple their drinks and smiles at him. He feels his lips raise and cheeks grow warm at being caught. They stare at each other for another moment before her attention is torn away and given to more customers. A jab in his side brings his own attention back to the table. He looks around at his friends, to find them each staring at him with different forms of smiles on their faces.

“Man, when are you going to finally ask her out?” Brady asks him, giving Sam’s shoulder a shove.

“What are you talking about? We’re just friends.” Sam responds with a scoff.

“Dude, we’re not blind. Y/N shows up out of the blue and has been staying with you ever since. We know you’re not sleeping on the couch and she DEFINTELY isn’t sleeping on the couch. You spend every minute with her. Even when she’s working, you’re here watching her. We see how you look at her and how she looks at you.” One of the others tell him.

“And, we know for a fact she is about to get her heat. She’s been here for four weeks.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “She’s on suppressants. Anyway, how would you know if it’s coming or not?”

“Suppressants? You’re letting her stay on them?”

“It’s not up to me. She’s not my Omega. She works in a bar and she’s unclaimed. We can’t risk her going into heat while she’s at work.”

“You wouldn’t have to worry about it if you would just man up and lay your claim on her.”

Sam rubs a hand over his face before adjusting the way he is sitting. “Lay my claim on her? Guys, you make it seem like she doesn’t have a choice and that we’re still back in the caveman days. She’s her own person. Yeah, she’s staying with me and…..I can’t stop thinking about her, but it’s not up to me. We will figure everything out on our own.”

“Well, you better figure it out quick, before Dylan beats you to it.” Brady says, nodding towards the bar where Dylan is leaned down talking into Y/N’s ear with a hand on her back.

Sam looks over and clenches his jaw. “It’s not up to me. If he’s who she wants, then great. At least he’ll treat her well and make her happy.”

“So, you would rather suffer in silence than tell her how you feel?”

Sam nods. “Yeah. I want her to be able to make her own choices. She’s already had an asshole boyfriend; I don’t want it to seem like I’m the same.”

“If she’s as smart as you say she is, then she already knows that.”

“I’m sure she-“ Sam is cut off, by a hand sliding up the back of his shoulder and resting at the top.

“You boys need anything else?” Y/N’s sweet voice fills the area. Sam reaches a hand up to hold hers within it and she fits herself into his side.

“I think I’m good. Someone needs to make sure these children get home okay.” Brady chuckles.

Y/N smiles and looks around at the others, her gaze landing on Sam last. “Anyone else?” They all shake their heads, indicating that they were good. She nods. “Alright. Well, holler if you need anything.” She pats Sam’s shoulder, giving him one last smile before turning away with calls of ‘Thanks, Y/N’ following her.

They watch her walk away, hips swinging in her tight black pants. A couple of them whistling as she moves away.

“You better man up or I will do it for you.” The guy next to Sam says. The others laughing.

Sam reaches over and locks him in a headlock. “I’d rather her end up with Dylan than with any of you jerks.” The table grows loud with protests and laughter. The conversation moving away from Sam and Y/N and onto Sam’s interview for law school.

----

Closing time was always the easiest part. Everyone was filing out of the bar to crawl into their beds. Sam always waits around for Y/N to finish up for the night and they both will walk home.  Y/N and Dylan took turns playing songs on the jukebox, while they cleaned tables, floors, and everything else. Every week they took turns doing inventory and tonight was Dylan’s.

Y/N was behind the bar, wiping everything down and cleaning the glasses. Dylan had a clipboard with papers and a pen in hand, counting the bottles on liquor that sat on the wall behind them while they worked. Y/N washes and dries her hands, before pulling her bag out from under the bar, where it stays hidden from the customers.

“Alright, Dylan. I’m out of here. Don’t stay too late counting everything. Don won’t be pissed if it’s not done until tomorrow when we come in.” Y/N tells Dylan, stepping out from the bar and moving towards Sam.

“Yeah, yeah. Remember that the next time you stay until four in the morning.” He calls back, making them laugh.

“I will. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See ya.”

Y/N stops in front of Sam as he stands. “Ready? I’m so exhausted. I’m gonna crash as soon as I’m out of this costume.”

“Yeah let’s get home.” He brings a hand up, gently grips the back of her neck, and guides her out of the bar.

~~

Opening the door to the apartment, Y/N steps inside and drops her bags by the door, shrugs her jacket off, and hangs it up. She unfastens the belt around her waist and peels the vest off. Sam closes the door, once he is inside. Taking off his jacket and hangs it next to hers. He watches her move around the apartment. She moves into the bedroom and he follows. He watches her gather her pajamas before headlining into the bathroom to change. Sam takes the chance to do the same. Pulling his sleep pants from one of the drawers and a shirt from another. He gets the pants pulled up, just as the door to the bathroom opens and Y/N steps out.

Her pj shorts, seeming smaller than usual to him and her tank top shorter. She shuffles her feet as she moves to the bed, the tired hitting her harder than ever. She settles herself onto the bed and slips beneath the covers. Her eyes falling closed as soon as her head hits the pillow. Sam quickly changes his shirt and heads out of the room. He locks the door and turns off all of the lights as he moves back through the place. He closes the bedroom door and turns the light off.

He slips in next to her and she instantly curls into his side, making him put his arm around her to pull her closer. She feels slightly warmer than usual, but he brushes it off. Thinking she’s just overtired and still flush from working. He feels her body sag slightly against him and her breathing evens out, letting him know that she’s already asleep. He sighs and adjusts enough without jostling her before falling asleep as well.

@gh0stgurl @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @tmiships4life @pretty-fortune @aomi-nabi @psychoredpanda @babypink224221 @luciawinchestergirl @20gayneen @simonsbluee @flamencodiva @supernatural300 @captaindorit0 @nickgv @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @glennacocoa @invisibledevour @wayward-river @housav @crystallstaircase @jessieray98 @jamielea81 @logical-princey @81mysteriouslyme

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #152

“if mary was only 14 when she had jesus, what does that make god?”

What’s something you initially disliked, but ended up liking? Uhhh... I'm drawing a blank right now. If you’re interested in having a long term relationship with someone, do you think that waiting a certain amount of time before you first have sex is a good idea? Or does it not matter?  I think it's a smart idea.  To me personally, sex should be an intimate experience with someone you love, not with someone you don't know deeply. Have you ever discovered something big by looking through someone’s phone, Facebook, email, etc.? No, never snooped on someone. Do you have any financial regrets? Either way, what’s an example of a GOOD financial decision you’ve made?  No, I've never really had to make big money decisions. Do you think it’s a good idea for kids’ sports teams to not keep score, or do you think that’s going overboard in trying to show sensitivity? I think you shouldn't keep score.  Teach children how to have fun for the sake of fun, not winning. Name a movie that you dislike but everyone else seems to love. Why do you dislike it? Drawing a blank again. *shrugs* Are you good at compromising or are you more of a “my way or the highway” kind of person?  I'm pretty nice at compromising, but of course it's going to depend on the case sometimes. Do you know any couples who sleep in separate beds? Do you think that if a couple makes that decision, they will eventually break up/divorce?  Yes, because one of them snores loudly.  But that doesn't mean they're gonna break up... Have you ever had a horrible boss or teacher? Did you ever confront them about it?  No, thankfully. Does it usually take awhile for you to completely come to terms with your emotions after something big happens or do you let it all out right away?  It's kinda both.  But mostly the former; I deeper understand what I'm feeling then. Is Thanksgiving an important holiday to you? Who did you spend last Thanksgiving with?  Honestly no, not really.  I should appreciate it more than I do for the sake of its concept. How far into your current (or last) relationship did you start thinking about your future with that person? Probably too early to be considered normal lmao. Are you a believer in “signs” from the universe about things in your life? If you are, can you think of a particular example? No. Name some things that one or both of your parents are really good at or really interested in.  Mom is suuuper into surgeries/seeing how the body works, and Dad's good at building shit I guess lmao. If someone told you that you would never achieve something and you ended up doing it, would you have any interest in finding that person and showing them?  Tbh yeah lol.  I do NOT take people underestimating my abilities kindly.  That's one reason the breakup was so bad. What is the most jealousy-induced thing you’ve ever done? Ehhhmmm.  I don't think I've done something in hopes of making someone jealous. Ever been kissed under fireworks?  No, but #goals. Which of your friends lives closest to you?  Colleen.  AKA, the only friend whose location I know. Do you like calling or texting better?  Don't call me, like ever lol. When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?  When I learned Mom and I couldn't go to the P!atD concert.  It's been a week or two and I'm still bummed. Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?  ....... Does any human being on Earth believe it's wrong?????? Do you talk dirty to people?  HUNNY I couldn't even talk dirty in the middle of my ex and I doing shit lmao. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?  Dad; we talked on the phone a bit. The last thing you heard?  I'm listening to "Demons Are A Girl's Best Friend" by Powerwolf on repeat asjfdakjwi I'm addicted. Have you ever been to an animal shelter?  Yeah. Does it rain a lot where you live?  I wouldn't necessarily say a lot?  Afternoon thunderstorms are just about daily in the peak of summer, though. Do you live in the suburbs?  No. If you have a dog, does it bark a lot?  Ugh, both of them.  Slightest noise outside our house or in our driveway, it's over. What are your 3 top favorite movies?  The Lion King, Finding Nemo, and then probably The Lion King II. Can you juggle?  No. Who was your favorite Disney princess as a child?  Ariel. Who are your style icons?  Like every serious goth in the world give me money to afford this style. Do you believe in an afterlife?  I really do.  Will it be wonderful, bad, lonely, peaceful, reunited with our loved ones, who knows, but I believe in something good. What do you fear most about death?  The possibility there is no afterlife.  I obviously wouldn't exist anymore so wouldn't experience anything, but.  I never want my essence to vanish. What is your favorite country?  Dunno. Glitter or feathers?  I'm a glitter bitch. Have you ever self harmed?  Yeah. What is your favorite type of cake?  Red velvet. Who was your favorite author as a child?  Erin Hunter. Do you ever have days where you just don’t do anything?  Um, everyday???? Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep?  Yes, if it's too late to nap but too early to sleep.  And this one time I had a paranormal experience and I was terrified to. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic?  Maybe around an hour during a roadtrip? Best field trip experience?  5th grade zoo trip with Dad, my then-best friend, and her mother. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before?  Nothing impressive. What is the worst thunderstorm you’ve experienced?  We've had plenty, who knows. Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class?  I've never gone to sleep in class. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert?  No. Are your parents supportive of you?  Yes, Mom especially. Has your mom ever directly told you that she favored your other sibling(s) over you?  No. Do your folks still have sex? Does it disgust you?  They're divorced so y'know. Do you like dried fruit (e.g. bananas, mangos, plums, etc.)?  NO. Can you stand eating the crusts of a slice of sandwich bread?  Yes, but it's my least favorite, so I eat it first to get it out of the way. Do you sleep with your window open at night?  Hell naw I don't want no Welcome to the Game shit. Do you do your homework at home or in class? Or how about in class the day it’s due?  I liked to start it in class if I could, but did the rest at home. When did you last see your parents?  I saw Dad a few days back at Ryder's b-day party, and I saw Mom this morning. Does it bother you when people get too obsessed about stupid stuff?  I feel like you're coming for me. What is the one fast food restaurant you have NEVER been to?  Denny's. Have you ever gotten to see the movie Twilight? Not the whole thing.  Nicole got it for Christmas and played it that day, and I stayed out in the living room with the family 'cuz yeah, Christmas. What was your favorite cartoon character as a kid?  Courage, probably. Do you live in a house or an apartment?  House. Do you live in the city or country?  Country. Do you take any prescription drugs?  Yeah. What is the one TV show you could watch over and over again?  That '70s Show. What is your favorite animal?  Meerkats, specifically the Kalahari sub-species. Who were the last 3 males you talked to?  Dad, Ryder, and Nick. What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? Did you like it?  White wine and I wanted to die. Have you ever had to claim insurance? What for?  No. Can you write in cursive?  Yeah, but I've forgotten one or two letters.  Not sure I recall the capital "g." Have you ever viewed the moon through a telescope?  No. Where do you like to sit in the movie theater?  Middle. Do you normally finish one book before starting another?  When I read, I did. What is your favorite hot drink?  Hot chocolate. Do you wish you had a pool table? Omg so I would love to have like an arcade sorta room with stuff like that, but I doubt it'll happen. Is chest hair a turn-on? I wouldn't call it that for me personally.  I prefer none or little, but I'm not gonna find a guy unattractive just for that. Which has been the best year of your life so far?  2017.  Full of growth and good memories. Do you have a picture with your middle finger up? No, but admittedly I wanna have one of Sara and me kissing with one for the camera because gay pride to piss off homophobes lol. If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care?  I'd care if it was for non-medicinal use and illegal in the state. When is the last time you attended a church service?  Oh jeez.  Sometime last year when Colleen was in her super-religious phase. Does it bother you when people respond with one word texts? If I'm making an effort to make conversation, yes.  If there's not really anything to respond to, no. If you could have a twin, would you?  No. If you had to give up your arms or your legs -which would it be?  Legs.  I cherish the use of my arms more. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?  If I'll be happy and content. If you had to be sick for the rest of your life would you choose something that kills you quickly & painfully, or bearably but slowly?  Yikes, not sure.  I guess the latter?  I don't want to just abruptly leave my loved ones. Have you ever made out with a member of the same sex?  Not yet. :P What is the coolest band name you have ever heard?  Definitely some kind of heavy or death metal band.  Off the top of my head, I think Cradle of Filth sounds wicked. Who was the last smoker you were around? Did they smoke around you?  Dad, and yes. Who do you know that can make you feel better if you’re not feeling happy?  Sara and certain YouTubers. Are you more talkative over the Internet?  YEAH DEFINITELY. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret?  Nah.  Loved him then, whatever. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret?  Yeah. Where do you wanna go for vacation?
  I'd love to go to the pink beaches in the Bahamas ahhhh Do you only wish the best for your ex?  Yeah.  I kinda even do with Jason, but at the same time, I want that fucker to see he will never find a perfect relationship, as he obviously wants judging from me and the girl he dated after me.  So I take that back, I don't think I wish the best for him until he learns his lesson. Do you change your phone background a lot?  No. Does a male or female sing the last song you listened to?  Male. Can you count in Roman numerals?  To a certain height.  I don't know what comes after "X"s.  Maybe "L?" What’s in your front yard?  Grass, a small tree, some small flowers... Have you ever lucid dreamed? Would you like to, or does the thought of being able to control your dreams scare you?  No, but it'd be cool to. Would you like the ability to read minds?  No. Do you know how to fish?  Yes. Did you/are you planning on going to college?  I'm going back in January. Have you ever built a snowman?  Yeah.  We rarely get the kind of snow that packs enough to make one, though. When was the last time you moved to a new house?  Over a year ago. Do you know any high school sweethearts? How’s life treating them? My best friend and her husband.  They still love each other and have a son now. Which is the scariest ride you have ever been on in a theme park? This ride that took you way too high up into the air then abruptly dropped & it was horrifying ahhhhhh

[humanistauno]

A Journal by: Paola Marie Zuniga

December 16, 2019

A community blast!

Exactly 5:45 AM, I jumped out of my bed and prepared myself up. Today’s the day for our community visitation and survey. I will not deny that I kinda got excited with the thought of going out for a community immersion in a place I have never been visited.

All set! We had so much fun (or maybe only me) riding the trike to Brgy. Paraiso’s Sitio Salkan. I loved how the trike go up and down because of the rocky kind of road there – although, a part of me is kinda worried since I sat at the back part and I am undeniably heavy so, I was thinking about our tricycle getting stuck because of me. I was so excited about the ‘hiking part’ but it all disappeared when I felt my body getting heavier than it was used to be. I got tired easily and I can only think of two reasons why did that thing happened; first, because of how high the place is and second, that was the day I had my exercise ever since December started.

Everything went well, fortunately. We had interviewed 3 participants from different houses and we also had a chance to stay up on a hill and watch those eye-warming trees surrounding the whole place. We even took our lunch there and of course did some photoshoots. That is something we cannot forget, to be honest. Oh well, so much for this day. I am kinda tired with all the hiking and walking and running and stuffs and now, your little girl here needs her sleep. Ciao!

December 18, 2019

“Happy another-step-in-reaching-death Day slash legality day”

To be very honest, I wanted not to open my eyes. I mean, I know it’s my birthday and I have to be thankful for this another year being added but, who would like to celebrate their birthday without their mother? But oh well, my body betrayed me and it moved on its own plus I still need to open the boutique and do kinds of stuff there.

Tons of ‘Happy birthdays’ and such were received both personally and In social media. I am thankful for those people because I felt special with their birthday greetings and all. It made me soft and think, maybe it’s not that bad to celebrate my birthday after all, even with the absence of my mother. Also, speaking of which, my mom called me and I tried not to cry. I joked around while she cried on the other line. Ah, it hurts to hear your mom cry aye?

To be very honest, I cried while I was in the boutique – cleaning and arranging dresses. This was supposed to be a very happy and special day since I just turned 18 and here I am, doing work and just spend the entire day watching anime. Nothing special, really.

Ps: my churchmates and my tita prepared foods at the church. It lifted my spirit a little and I do appreciate the effort.

December 20, 2019

“Church thanksgiving and Christmas party!”

So far, this is the most awaited day for me. I am just ready to receive gifts and stuff from peeps in the church. Also, I am kinda excited about the prepared foods. The party started with a blast! We had the victory got talent and it was epic I must say! Every participant did a very good job and that includes my sister and two cousins who won first place in the said event.

After that segment, the most awaited part had arrived and it was EATING TIME! I only ate meat at that time and avoided rice hehe – I did not even touch the cake but then I kept on eating the fried chicken. I honestly can not stop myself at that time since I was craving for that and I know we need to feed up that craving and be happy for the rest of our lives with the help of these foods!

Receiving gifts for me is the highlight of the party- I received gifts from my Ates and Kuyas and also from my Ninongs and Ninangs. So for those who posted on Facebook about their godparents who were missing in action, I really can’t relate to your posts as of the moment (ooh, arrogance at its finest oho).

It was a great night actually, although, after the party, we went straight to the wake of my grandmother who passed away just right before my birthday. We stayed up late until 4 AM just to play lucky 9 and Bingo. I am kinda new to the card game (Lucky 9) and don’t even know a single thing so my cousin had to teach and guide me from time to time just for me to participate in the game. It was fun actually.

December 24, 2019

“A Happy Christmas”

We started this day with a dawn service in our church which for me is the best thing to do. I mean, it would be nice to start your day worshipping and praying to our creator. After the service, we had hot Choco and suman prepared by our pastor and we had fellowship with our co-members in church.

The moment we reached home from church, I found myself sleeping on my bed again. I woke up at 3PM actually and I took a bath immediately – after hours of sleeping and enjoying the dream I was having, back to the same routine again. Do some household chores then indulged myself to anime.

As the darkness finally took over, we started to become busy preparing food for the Christmas Eve. We don’t have much food for the celebration but being together, eating in one table is so much better than having lots of food but there’s no one to talk too. I kind of like being alone but I love being with my family.

Our house was filled with my music and shouts from my cousins the moment the clock struck 12. Exchanging of ‘Merry Christmas’ were heard inside our house as the 8 of us gathered around the table. We prayed and did a video call with my mom who was celebrating Christmas alone in her dorm in Cebu. ‘Twas sad honestly, seeing your mom on the screen of your phone, alone, while you’re with the rest of the family, eating together. I kind of felt sorry that she had to go somewhere far from us just for the sake of our future. But hey! It’s Christmas, we obviously does not want to break the joy we were having in our hearts, and so, we still laughed and joked around as we have our small celebration.

It was indeed, a happy Christmas.

December 29. 2019

“Mini reunion”

Every family gathering, I have always felt uninvited. Maybe because our family was known as one of the most problematic among the others and that made me feel uncomfortable every occasion.

Early in the morning as we prepare ourselves for church, my tita told me that we will be attending the reunion after church. At first, I said I am not going to show up in that gathering because I am pretty sure I will be left out, yeah – I am that negative. But after our church service, my cousins did convince me to attend the said reunion and even blackmailed me and left me no choice but attend the reunion.

The world seemed so dark to me at that time, sitting on the corner, frowning while I watch my titas and titos laugh and do crazy stuffs. At first, I really am not in the mood but when they called us out because we are about to eat, my mood changed a bit. Food can really change the world, yes. Well, I ate a lot. One thing I liked when we have gatherings is that the food being prepared are way too delicious that it made me forget how grumpy I am earlier. And since the food enlightened me up – after eating, I started to mingle with my younger cousins, they would kiss me in the cheek then we’ll sing along at the karaoke. It made me think that it wasn’t really a bad idea joining this mini reunion. The kids had their parlor games which was facilitated by me (lol) and it made me realize, kids can really wash away those negative cells you have in your body.

Guilt was slowly eating me at that time. How can I enjoy listening to their funny talks and even enjoy the presence of the kids where in the first place I was so negative about this gathering and even talked bad things about them inside my head. But here’s what I had realized like really.. I may talk bad about them but now, I will try my best to repay the goodness they were showing which I had failed to recognize through hard work in school and make them proud. Somehow, I want to be a good relative for them despite of how bad my thoughts about them are.

January 1, 2020

“2020”

To be honest, I did not started 2020 with a ‘good morning world’ since I did not sleep last night and I spent the whole night talking over the phone with my friend who was living in Makati. We talked about stuffs like our favorite anime series and of course, our cringey new year’s resolutions.

The whole first day of 2020 was not spent wisely. Body was still glued on the bed, eyes were still darted on the screen of the laptop. Productivity was nowhere to be found. I am pretty sure everyone wanted to be productive in the first day of 2020 but look who’s lazing around and let the whole world go crazy on its own as long as she get to finish her favorite anime, it’s me your girl.

6:15PM in the evening, we went to church for our midweek service. It’s kind of cool to start up 2020 with God’s words yeah? The whole preach was about reminders and of course it gave blessing to every listeners. Who wouldn’t be blessed by his words right?

The first day of 2020 ended up semi-good and semi-not. Semi-good because we went to church and heard wonderful messages and reminders and semi-not because I was not productive, I only fed up my anime desires and finished a whole series. Ugh.

January 3, 2020

“A man in green”

When boredom hits you, you sure do things just to make yourself busy and entertained. As for me, I’m clinging up unto omegle at times like that and I wasn’t really expecting to meet someone who just became my crush in just a snap.

So okay, here it goes. Every time I do omegle, my interest were always ‘bnha’ ‘mha’ and ‘anime’ and so I started the chat and words such as ‘you both like anime’ had appeared. The stranger did messaged me first with a hello with plenty of letter Os and was followed by ‘M20’. When I receive replies like that, I always end the conversation right away because I think they were just some horny dudes trying to get some nudes from girls they met in omegle but at that time, since I was bored and all, I replied ‘F18’ and did not end the conversation. Betraying my own rules, yeah the power of boredom and curiosity.

And so the guy once again replied and asked me about my favorite anime series. I did answered him that I have a lot of favorites but I then told him my favorites among the favorites which are One Punch Man and Boku no hero Academia. I was really expecting for him to freak out and end the conversation since many peeps in the anime community doesn’t like both series for its plot and both series are overrated animes but this guy replied “OMG YES SAME” and was followed by “I LIKE DEKU” “WHO’S YOUR BEST BOI” and such which I find funny so I tag along and replied him with ALL CAPS.

The whole duration of our conversation was fun and all, until we decided to exchange our instagram accounts. And there I saw a green eyed human with green hair. He is a good looking man who like rats and is obsessed with my hero Academia. While me, just a rotten potato who assumed he was a horny guy who asks nudes from girls. It was really fun and all since we are both born-again Christians and we are also both musicians in our church, he play the electric guitar in their fellowship while I play the bass guitar.

We were really having fun fanboying and fangirling over the series until he replied a.. “Let’s get married”

PS: I said yes and we are now happily living as anime couple in instagram.