#been repeatedly listening to the lyrics since I though I was hearing shit

[enigmatic-pers]

Theory twst time ( MASQUERADE EVENT THEORY )

I just realised in the original hellfire song there are a few verses and lyrics which kinda feel like foreshadowing things.

“ the sun caught in her raven hair” - Malleus in his masquerade card showing the sunset flowing behind or beside him.

“Protect me, Maria”—-“Don't let this siren cast her spell” —

Azul, who is a underwater creature or mer folk which are often interpreted as a siren when describing a demonic fish that sings to lure you and drown or drag their victims to the bottom of the sea.

“Destroy Esmeralda”—- “And let her taste the fires of hell “

Now we have idia who is basically the representative and gate opener of the underworld. But this is ONE of the verses said after “ protect me Maria” meaning the siren and hellfire are trying to harm or find Rollo.

Though Azul and idia were the ones needing to fight Rollo in the event, in the song frollo wanted to be protected from these types of creatures and situations.

“ Don't let her fire sear my flesh and bone”—- ROLLO’S unique magic apparently comes from this verse, seeing as his whole body became flames from inside and out.

[kaitycole]

I Hope

Summary: No one but Drake knows why he and Riley broke up, so what happens when Liam, Maxwell and Drake spot her three years later during their trip to New York?

Pairings: Drake x Riley (past tense)

Word Count: 1977

Warnings: PG-13? Mentions of cheating and alcohol

Song lyrics are from I Hope by Gabby Barrett. Highly recommend it!

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay? You don’t have to go out with us.” Liam asks Drake while he slips on his jacket.

Liam, Drake, and Maxwell had decided to return to New York as a pit stop to Liam’s diplomatic travels to Canada. They hadn’t been there since before his social season, when they went there for his bachelor party and met Riley. The shine of Riley wore off when they got back to Cordonia, it was no one’s fault, they just didn’t click well under the pressure of the court. However, she did pair well with Drake and through the social season, the two had a heated affair.

“I’ll be fine. It’s been almost three years.” Drake shrugs, grabbing his phone and keys. Riley and Drake didn’t try to hide their relationship from their friends so when they broke it off they told everyone. The details of what caused their break-up wasn’t public knowledge. No one pressed the issue either, but all wished both the best, especially Riley since she was heading back to the states.

“But she could be here.” Maxwell chimed in, he came off super supportive but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss his Little Blossom. He was the one who tried the hardest to learn why they split, wanted to know what happened that was so bad she wouldn’t even stay in Ramsford with him. But all she’d give him was a sad smile and the overused phrase, “Sometimes things just don’t work out.”

“I highly doubt it. Brooks had big dreams, she wouldn’t have stayed here.”

Knowing that they weren’t going to change his mind, they all head out with Bastien in tow. Originally, they decided to go to the bar they went and met Riley, but since it seemed to upset Drake, they opted to go to a western bar. They went to one in Cordonia on Drake’s birthday, but Maxwell was positive one in the US would be even better.

“This place already looks so awesome!” Maxwell praises as they all slip into a booth and place a quick order of beer, burgers and fries.

Liam looks at a nearby flyer, “Seems like they’re gonna have some live entertainment tonight.”

The three of them are enjoying their meals, ordering an extra round of beers just as a crack of the microphone catches their attention.

“We hope everyone is enjoying their meals, let’s give a round of applause for tonight’s entertainment Riley Brooks!”

Maxwell and Liam share a look as the room fills with an applause while Drake’s face completely pales.

“I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.” Liam quickly says as Maxwell starts nodding, “exactly, I bet it’s a pretty common American name.” Drake doesn’t say anything, watching as Riley walks onto the stage, thanking the crowd for having her before she sits on the stool.

“This is one of my favorite songs from my debut album that will be releasing shortly.” She starts to strum the guitar that’s on her lap, the room instantly silencing, anxiously waiting.

“Holy shit! That’s Riley!” Maxwell exclaims and Liam just sits there, jaw almost on the ground.

As her lyrics start to flow through the room, several people begin swaying to the beat while the two royals share a look, glancing over to see Drake’s expression. However, Drake isn’t listening to the words, the sound of her voice takes him back to one of his favorite memories of their relationship.

I, I hope she makes you smile/ The way you made me smile on the other end of a phone In the middle of a highway driving alone/ Oh baby I, I hope you hear a song That makes you sing along and gets you thinking about her Then the last several miles turn into a blur, yeah

*                      * “Drake, stop!” Riley shouts, giggling as he picks her up, carrying her towards the couch. He plops her down on the couch before handing her a guitar. “What’s this?”

“I got you a new guitar.” They have only been together for a few months, but he couldn’t help himself. Her current guitar is aged, Riley couldn’t remember exactly when she got it, but it had to be at least seven years old, if not older. The neck of it was loose much like the fretboard, but for a cheap acoustic guitar, it still worked.

But Drake knows for someone who has the dream of becoming a musician, an old, worn, and cracked guitar just isn’t going to cut it. So the only rational choice he had was to buy her a replacement because her happiness makes him happy.

Her eyes light up, he could swear he sees stars in her eyes as she runs gently fingers across the surface, her fingers dipping as they follow the curve of the waist of the instrument. She turns it to sit flat on her lap, grazing the strings causing a small hum to fill the room.

“I love it.” Riley places it on the cushion next to her before throwing herself into Drake, wrapping her arms around his neck, peppering him with kisses as she thanks him over and over.

He laughs, kissing her back repeatedly before leaning back to look at her, “play me one of your songs.”

Her face flushes, she’s only ever played covers for him, too afraid to play something she wrote for him, not wanting to show that much vulnerability. She chews on the inside of her cheek, worried that he’ll hate it, scared that he would just tear it apart, but when she looks up and see his soft smile all that fear disappears.

*                      * I hope she comes along and wrecks every one of your plans/ I hope you spend your last dime to put a rock on her hand I hope she's wilder than your wildest dreams/ She's everything you're ever gonna need

“Earth to Drake, you still with us?” Maxwell waves his hand in front of Drake’s face.

“Oh, uh, yeah.” Drake shakes his head, “guess I zoned out a bit.” “I always knew Riley was talented, did she ever play this for you, Drake?” “No, must be one she wrote after she left.” “Wonder if we’ll finally know why the two of you broke up.” Maxwell looks at Drake who just ignores him.

And then I hope she cheats/ Like you did on me And then I hope she cheats/ Like you did on me

Drake pales as Maxwell and Liam go speechless, sharing an ‘oh shit’ expression. Suddenly they both wish they could unlearn this revelation, wanting to go back to the blissful ignorance they had these last three years.

“Guess that answers that.” Liam clears his throat before taking a sip of his now warm beer.

Maxwell finally picks his jaw off the ground, “maybe she dated someone else within the last three years.”

Yeah, babe, I hope she shows up in a 2 AM pic from her friend Hanging on to a guy and you just ain't him I hope you stay up all night all alone, waitin' by the phone/ And then she calls

Riley looks around the room, she feels most comfortable on stage, even when the emotions she’s letting out through her lyrics are painful. But when her eyes meet Drake’s, the guitar in her lap suddenly feels heavier than usual and the words slightly burn as they come out, her mind taking her back to the last time she saw him.

And baby, I, I hope you work it out/ Forgive and just about forget And take her on a first date again/ And when you lean in for a kiss

*                      * “Riley, won’t you even talk to me?” Drake reaches out, grabbing her wrist trying to stop her from walking out of the room.

“I don’t think there’s anything left to talk about!” She jerks her wrist out of his grip, storming out of the bedroom.

“I think there is.”

Drake’s following Riley as she makes her way through each room, snatching up her things as she shoves them in a bag. He continues to try to get her to just stop, to just listen to him because he’s confident that he can fix things even though Riley brushes off each attempt he makes.

She’s not crying anymore, even though her heart is still breaking each time he tries to defend himself. Her eyes are red and they sting but she won’t let that stop her because the only thing she wants is to get as far from Drake as she can. Her mind is racing as she grabs her belongings or at least the ones she needs now, knowing she can either get the rest later or just leave them there and replace them.

She whips around, staring Drake straight in the face, “no there isn’t. If you wanna talk so bad, call that bitch whose been blowing up your phone.” “I said I was sorry.” His classic puppy dog pout shows up, Riley biting down on her bottom lip, that face use to melt her heart, now not so much. “I meant it Riley, I am sorry.”

She shakes her head, slinging on of her bags over her shoulder, pulling the other one behind her as she gets to the door. She opens it, walking a few steps out before pulling the cliché of turning around for one final statement, “but you weren’t sorry before you got caught.”

*                      * And then I hope she cheats/ Like you did on me And then I hope she cheats/ Like you did on me

Drake’s standing outside the bar waiting for Riley to come out, he sent Maxwell and Liam back to the hotel without him. He told himself that if he ever got the chance, he’d take it, try to get her to listen to what he tried to tell her before.

“Riley!”

Her grip on the handle of her case tightens as she swallows down her nerves. She should’ve guessed that he’d linger though she’d have much rather seen Liam or Maxwell. Clenching her teeth, she turns around, facing the one person she never wanted to see again.

“It’s not safe to talk to strangers in New York, you know?”

“Don’t be like that Riley.” He steps closer to her, the street light illuminating her features.

“Be like what? I don’t know you anymore Drake.” She shakes her head, exhaling through her nose loudly, “if I even really knew you back then.”

“You did know me,” he reaches out for her, “I made a mistake and I just want to right that.”

Her hand feels odd in his now, almost as if the memory of it fitting seamlessly was just some made-up fantasy. When she first left, she was pissed and refused to disrespect herself by listening to any pathetic explanation, but when the first year passed, she started to wonder if she made a mistake. She often thought about what he might’ve said and maybe she had blown things out of proportion. Eventually she let go of her second-guessing, realizing that if it was meant to be then things would’ve turned out differently, using that anger to fuel her drive to become successful.

She smiles, squeezing his hand before letting it drop from hers. “It’s too late for that. I really do hope that you meet the right girl, she’s just not me.”

“Ri…” “Tell Max and Liam it was nice to see them and I hope things are well.” She turns, walking away from him just like she did years ago, but this time feeling more confident.

He runs his fingers through his hair, watching her leave again, just like last time regretting not being able to get her to stay.

Like you did on me

Perma tags: @gkittylove99  @sirbeepsalot  @texaskitten30​   @hopefulmoonobject​ @marshmallowsaremyfavorite​    

[soaptunes]

my top 75 quarantine records: 75-66

wahoo! we actually begin this list with a controversial lowball rank, i think. bandcamp links as always where applicable!

#75. doom - born like this (2009) the masked mc's first appearance on this list comes with what i regard as his weakest solo album, actually his final one as well. this is a much darker effort than most of his other records, his verses spinning more genuinely twisted and gross yarns than his usual cartoonish villainy. it is also worth mentioning that there is an entire song on this that's dedicated to being homophobic, specifically towards, uh, batman? there's enough great wordplay and slinky beats on this thing to satisfy, though, and i did enjoy it. worth a listen just for the tracks where doom decides to kick it into his top form.

#74. the lemon twigs - do hollywood (2016) half beatles worship, half pure cabaret silliness, the lemon twigs for me are an extremely hit or miss band. i think they miss slightly more than they hit on this record, as they have a tendency to cover a lack of strong songwriter with extended noodling instrumental passages. THAT SAID, when they hit, they hit hard enough to make you forget they ever missed - the formula does work, provided they actually stick to it and don't lose the plot.

#73. car seat headrest - how to leave town (2014) similarly to doom, car seat headrest was an artist that i decided to check out the back catalogue of, and found it extremely rewarding!!! how to leave town was one of the lower-impact ones for me, just because of how dense and long-winded some of the songwriting can be. that's not necessarily a detractor for a lot of people, but it's hard for it to sustain my attention for that long. that said (becoming my catchphrase), it has so many amazing moments of pure catharsis that the project is still super compelling as a full listen. as individual tracks though, if you're not in for an hour, they tend to lose me.

#72. third eye blind - s/t (1997) i think there are a lot of people on this earth who would have my head for ranking this above how to leave town, but i really did enjoy this just a little bit more. it's not perfect, again, not every song hits, but when it does hit it is muscular, catchy as hell, and a good precursor of where the better side of scraggly pop-punk like PUP and knuckle puck would go in the next few decades. the guitar tones on this thing are way better than they have any right to be, too, what a satisfying flavor of crunch.

#71. molchat doma - etazhi (2018) if you liked the genuine viral hit "sudno" enough to check out the full album, you'll probably like the rest of it too. molchat doma's coldwave sound is down to a formula here, as listening to the full record repeatedly can get... well, repetitive, but each individual song IS worth it on its own. this is a really good album for playlistification, the hooks hit and the songs totally work, it's just a lot of the time they all fall into a similar niche. this is a problem that i think they fix on their much better followup, monument - which is unfortunately ineligible for this list 'cuz i listened to it right when it came out - but etazhi is more than good enough to represent the dark and gloomy fun i had with molchat doma this year.

#70. ministry - psalm 69: the way to succeed & the way to suck eggs (1991) the 90s industrial scene was a scene that i knew absolutely nothing about, and had very little motivation to get into, since i was born just a tick late to experience it and it seemed kind of like a "you had to be there" thing. it took halfway-befriending a bizarre older coworker who lived and breathed industrial music to get me to actually check some stuff out, and i'm happy to report, you don't have to have been there to get it. if you have a tolerance or love for punishing, breakneck beats, crunched-to-shit guitars, and devilishly soothsaying lyrical content, ministry is probably up your alley. definitely something to lose your mind in the pit to.

#69. hotel mira - divorce (2016) this one caught me totally off guard. soundwise they're nothing special, a pretty standard hard-rock leaning alternative group (who recently changed their name away from the turbo-cringe jpnsgrls), but their melodic sense is some of the sharpest and catchiest ive heard in this style in a long time. damn near every song on this is sticky as hell, and they cover a huge range of emotional ground, from barn-burning romantic odes, to stoner anthems, to this one, which uses a circus as a metaphor for performing in your daily life when you're suffering from depression. shoutout especially to the charisma of the singer, who doesn't have the most amazing voice in the world but makes up for it with dynamism, character, and passion to spare.

#68. the drums - abysmal thoughts (2017) jonny pierce has a remarkable gift for making teeth-rottingly sugary songs that conceal layers of eerie darkness underneath them. whether it's the oddly sinister videos, the emotional strings, the cyclical song structures, the unsettling phrasing and acidic bite on some of the lyrics... there's a lot of strange touches all over this jangly, surfy, catchy as fuck record, and it makes for a breakup album that keeps you on your toes the entire run. it's only this low because of a few unmemorable songs, but this is definitely my favorite drums album.

#67. panic! at the disco - vices and virtues (2011) there may be later panic albums that attained more commercial success by hewing more to the pop side than the oddball side, and there may be earlier panic albums that lost themselves a bit by hewing to the oddball side and getting caught in fanciful concepts that didn't give their sharp hooks enough room to breathe. for my money, though, this may just be the finest of them all, one where brendon's pure pop and vocal acrobatics share equal room with his sole remaining bandmate's punk inclinations and their shared love of theatrics, and neither buries the other. super underrated album in Serious Critical Circles.

#66. hayden thorpe - diviner (2019) look. i will be honest with you. do i miss wild beasts? yes, absolutely, they were one of my favorite bands for a long, long time, and this hayden thorpe solo album can't quite replace the absence of the full group. buuuuut..... was a huge part of why wild beasts appealed to me over other similar bands thorpe's striking and distinctive falsetto? yes. am i glad i can still scratch that itch with new stuff? holy shit, yes. this album is quiet, reflective, and emotionally open, and hayden's voice is as rich ever. i'm fine with this outcome as long as i can still hear him.

tune in next time for 65 thru 56!

[tirednotflirting]

you're my golden hour (the color of my sky)

i miss going to concerts and when the fall festival in my city got officially canceled last week, i wrote lashton going to a festival to make me feel better. and then i started listening to Lorde and got emo. enjoy <3

ps special thanks to @calumcest bc i am having an absolute shit 24 hours but helen ur britpop playlist and that comment i found on the doc for this made me feel a bit better this morn x

LAST THING! i went ahead and made an ao3 (finally???) so if you prefer reading things there, you can head that way here

Ashton smiles, feeling the stretch in his cheeks from laughter and the sun that’s been shining on his face all day, and wonders if there was any way at all to top the feeling he’s experiencing right now.

It had been a long but good day. He watches the sun set over the desert horizon, his view waving from the heat from his spot on a quilt in the middle of the festival. Behind him he hears the beginning of some EDM set starting on the opposite side of the festival grounds, the earth just barely shaking from the bass. People pass him from behind as a large crowd begins to form some 100 feet in front of him. It had been a tiring and warm afternoon and evening, and while he was excited to hear this set, it wasn’t anyone he was a huge fan of, so he had made the executive decision to find a good spot back in the area that allowed chairs and sitting.

He watches flags and totems teeter around in the wind, the light breeze cooling the back of his neck. It was nearing the end of the second night of the festival and as he felt the dull ache in his ankles from walking and jumping around all day, he wonders to himself how the hell he is meant to manage another day of this. Maybe he would ask around once everyone got back to the house later in the night if anyone else was feeling their age and maybe wanted to head to the grounds a little ways into the afternoon for the last day? He sighs as he lifts his eyes toward the desert sky knowing that the answer would be a clap to his shoulder and the shaking of heads, his merry band and accompanying crew always somehow maintaining the energy level of 8 year olds when they came down for the festival.

Though he definitely did understand where they were coming from. He wasn’t sure how, but every time he found himself at a music festival (as a fan rather than a performer) the child-like, effortless joy of going to a show would surge through him. The big, sprawling crowds that if he saw in any other context would give him mountains of anxiety, felt like a breath of fresh air even as he snuck his large body between those around him to get closer to the action. The euphoria of a late night set, the only lights being those coming from the stage, with thousands of people all singing along to a song that meant something unique and new to each and every one of them. There was a special kind of magic brought into the world only by running around festival grounds in the desert with tens of thousands of people for a few days every spring. It was the kind of magic Ashton wished he could bottle up to save for cold, late autumn days when he was cooped up in his house, trying to remember what the memories really felt like.

He leans back then, clasping his hands behind his head to rest on, and recalls on the previous day. It had been awhile since the band had had the opportunity to go to a festival obligation-free and they were fully taking advantage of that chance. A house had been rented closer to the city where the festival was held, friends were invited, a grocery list divided up. They spend the Thursday night before the three day festival all trading stories of recent travels and adventures around a fire pit. It was fun to hear what mischief everyone had been up to while they were out on the road.

(Though if Ashton were being honest, he didn’t recall much of what was said following his trip to the kitchen with Luke about halfway through the night when the blonde had snuck in a kiss after shots with Calum. Ashton wasn’t sure if he was more shocked by the action or the lime juice that got left on his lips.)

The morning was spent divvying up snacks and sunscreen, emptying water bottles and tucking flasks into backpack pockets less likely to be checked by security. Or at least that’s what Calum and Ashton got up to while Luke and Michael pressed glitter stickers to their own faces before invading the kitchen to do the same to their boys. All in the spirit of the festival, the former two decided as they giggled while shooting stars and hearts were pressed to their cheeks.

They spend the day mostly just the four of them, the rest of their party having other people to catch up with or promotional obligations for their work to attend to. The merry band of Aussies would never admit it in front of anyone else but they really always preferred to attend shows just the four of them. There was a silent energy that wrapped around them when attending a concert, the same kind of whisper that had brought them together to make music together in the first place. They thrived on it, rode the feeling like a high of sorts.

That first night Michael and Calum decide they want to grab a drink just before the last set of the night is meant to start so they make the choice to just stick to the VIP section until the end of the show. Luke kept on glancing between Ashton, the direction Michael and Calum have just wandered toward, the crowd forming for the show, and back to Ashton so it doesn’t take long for the hazel-eyed boy to place a hand to Luke’s back and guide him in the direction of the sprawling crowd.

Luke had been sipping from a flask throughout the evening and was sufficiently loose and giggly as they find a spot in the middle of the crowd as darkness settled over the grounds. They’re talking through ideas for which sets they should hit the following day when the roar of the crowd picks up as a cue that something is about to happen. Ashton’s lifted his left hand to cup around his mouth to project his yells along with the rest of the crowd and when he moves to raise his right, he finds the limb stuck in place. He looks down to see Luke’s fingers tucked between his own and lifts his eyes to the dazed, happy look settled into the pale eyes of the slightly taller boy. He let a smile pull across his own face and his fingers squeeze around Luke’s hand as Lorde’s dreamy voice floats over the crowd, bright green lights illuminating their faces to tell them what she’d chosen to begin the set with.

Ashton had always felt a special kind of connection to the younger singer’s bright and exaggerated lyrics. The romanticization of youth and glittery nights that flow through her lyrics spoke to him in ways he always wished he could express in his somewhat younger years, the brilliance of being young and in love with everything something that their style of pop back in the day just couldn’t capture in quite the same light. Hearing the songs he was listening to in years prior, when he was pining after the boy just to his right, unable to express just how big his feelings were at the time, it all has his mind spinning.

She starts ‘Ribs’ up on the stage some ways in front of them, the gentle crooning of it drives you crazy, getting old feeling more poignant than normal in that particular moment. The lyrics feel heavy, though light at the same time, like his youth is drifting away in the desert wind while his age - though still quite young, Ashton does recognize - settles onto his shoulders like a heavy coat. It feels so scary, getting old floats through his mind when he feels a pair of arms wrap around his waist.

“Stop thinking so hard, old man,” Luke says in his ear above the crowd’s singing. He lets his lips pout against the little hoop through Ashton’s ear lobe before he continues. “It scares me too, but just...live in this for a bit.”

Ashton’s eyes close, the bright colored lights from the stage bleeding through his lids, and he sighs when he feels Luke’s stubble against his cheek when he moves to press a kiss to his temple before returning to bobbing along to the beat of the song. He’ll never understand the way the blonde is able to hear the racing of his thoughts though it's something he’s always been gifted with. Ashton is thankful for it, that Luke somehow knows exactly when to step in to ease his mind for a moment. He’s not sure what he would do without it.

They dance and yell and sing songs about being 19 despite being very solidly in their mid-20s for another hour before the set is over and the desert is lit up with the tall bright white lights above the grounds. They stumble into each other as they laugh and sing, eventually finding Michael and Calum along the way and pressure them into the same actions. Next thing they know, the four boys have piled into a car, repeatedly falling asleep against one another and the plushy seats of the car until they make it home.

The only sober one in the bunch, Ashton plants his boys at the kitchen island, making them all drink a few glasses of water and pass a bottle of aloe gel around to rub at the back of their necks to minimize the griping about sunburns the next day.

(It takes approximately three seconds of whining before Ashton gives in and pats the cool gel into Luke’s neck, chuckling at his whines at how cold it is. A babbling Calum leans his head against Ashton’s bicep while he performs the action, the brown-eyed boy telling him a story about some actor that him and Michael met backstage who bought them shots and knew one of their songs other than “She Looks So Perfect” and “Youngblood”.)

The remaining residents of the house have either ended up at after parties (how people can attend after parties on each night of the festival and still make it all the way to the end is wild, Ashton thinks) or at other houses in the area so Ashton makes sure to lock up after they all vacate the kitchen before heading up to his room on the next floor up.

He’s just slipped into the bed and clicked off the lamp when he hears his phone buzz on the bedside table. He squints against the light from the screen before his features soften as he opens up the picture Luke must have snapped of him toward the end of the Lorde set. He’s in the middle of laughing through the joy of hearing a song he loves, pink lights from the stage illuminating his face. The picture is accompanied by a caption that makes his heart drum some kind of hurried rhythm despite how simply its worded:

you looked so bright

*

Ashton sits up from the blanket as he hears a drum beat pick up from the stage up ahead, the crowd rising both in volume and height as those who were waiting get to their feet. The lovely breeze he had been enjoying while reminiscing on the day before dies off a bit as it gets blocked by those moving to stand. As a familiar guitar rhythm starts up, he closes his eyes and smiles, still caught up in this gorgeous, delicate moment that he feels so lucky to be somehow living in.

However, Ashton realizes then, as a water bottle gets placed in his lap and a second body drops to his right, that there was in fact a way to top how he was feeling just a few minutes before. The sun has just made its final descent below the horizon when he turns to see the smile spread across Luke’s sun-kissed cheeks.

“You were looking a little spaced out there, Ash,” Luke laughs as he pokes at Ashton’s cheek before shuffling a bit closer and wrapping his arms around the older boy’s neck and leaning in to press a kiss to the sun-warmed skin beside the condor just below his tangled black hair. The high of another music filled day and the tequila in Luke’s belly have him throwing caution to the California wind in terms of displaying his affection. Ashton figures the darkness provided by the hour and the low number of people that had come up to ask for photos throughout the weekend so far were enough justification to allow the tipsy, happy blonde to continue pecking at his neck. “Thinking about me?”

He giggles at Luke’s teasing words, feeling his cheeks warm some more than they already were. Ashton shifts some to get Luke to sit up and look at him. He can’t help the calloused hand that falls to his cheek, his thumb running along his cheekbone, beneath his tired, happy blue eyes. “Always.”

When Luke leans in to press his forehead against Ashton’s own, the crinkles beside his eyes just visible in the flashing lights from the stage far up ahead of them, he finds himself wishing he could bottle up this kind of magic too.

(What kind of magic this exactly is, he has yet to figure out. Though Ashton thinks he maybe might have a word for it. Maybe.)

*

[sawdustandgin]

A Year of Happiness, Joy and Sarcasm: My 2020 in Review

Absolutely nothing needs to be said about the year of our lord 2020 that hasn’t already been shouted from every social media platform like a shrieking alarm alerting us that the ship is sinking. We know. We’re all wet. 

I will not remember 2020 as mask-clad because I didn’t take any photos while wearing one. 

Every December, I reflect on the year through a short essay, allowing myself many opportunities to gush about the music that I didn’t include on my best-of lists but that I still loved dearly. (Though I guess I skipped last year. I found an abandoned draft the other day…) And consistently, I have regarded each year as one of transition. 

I don’t have clear career aspirations outside of wanting to engage with music as deeply and personally as I can; my only concrete life plan is to profile small towns across the country through the lens of its local music scene. So, with this nebulous image of a future endeavor, I have had a tumultuous time with money since losing my job two years ago. I realized fairly quickly, after only a few months of foundering at it, that I was unable to freelance my way to a liveable income. And in all honesty, this was for the best—nothing hurts worse than realizing the activity you are most passionate about has become a chore. I stopped worrying about pitching editors and trying to rub elbows, and I got to work applying for jobs. I, incredibly luckily, secured one after a few more months. The adjustment to being unemployed was a leap for me and my deep desire for a routine, but the adjustment to being employed and trying to maintain a balance between day job and side gig was even harder. 

Then I loosened up a bit. Toward the end of last year, I tried to make a vow to be more consistent with the blog, but instead, I prioritized sleep. At the time, I didn’t realize that it was an either/or scenario and probably would have made a greater effort to avoid my television if I had. But ultimately, I had to accept that my relationship with music journalism was on my terms. And regardless of how [in]frequently I ‘discovered’ new artists (for myself), I wasn’t ‘missing out’ on anything. 

And let’s be real, I wasn’t overly eager to listen to new stuff starting around April. I put so much energy into not losing myself in quarantine that I tuckered myself out before shit really hit the ceiling. When I began thinking toward my year-end lists in November, I began to worry that this would be my most deflated best-of season in recent memory. 

That’s ok, Zoë, no one really cares about top ten lists, I can hear you thinking, colored by a fascination with my determination. But as a double cancer and pisces moon, I like to cling to the art that moves my soul (read: ~nostalgia~). And so I take great joy in spending all of December and most of January repeatedly listening to my favorite music until I conjure a partially arbitrary ranking system and create playlists galore. It really is the best time of the year. 

Of course, there are always a few titles that need no additional spins, whether due to automatic disqualification or simply because I listened so much that I know it intimately. The automatic disqualifications this year were particularly striking. 

A few easy omissions were Chromatica, Positions, and Fetch the Bolt Cutters. Lady Gaga delivered her skip-less album around the time when it became clear that the pandemic was not even somewhat close to containment; my roommate and I cooked to Chromatica every night, singing along to every word. With each new record, Ariana Grande becomes a more graceful songwriter, and it also helps that Positions is a plain ol', boot-knockin’ good time. And the raw power Fiona Apple wields in Fetch the Bolt Cutters would be frightening were she not the perfect vessel to deliver it to us. 

Then there is the category of albums that simply didn’t need my (albeit dim) spotlight: Set My Heart on Fire Immediately, græ, and KicK i are each masterpieces in their own right. They each move purposefully through diverse landscapes, each song a new adventure not bound by genre or expectation. Interestingly, Perfume Genius and Moses Sumney were never mainstays in my music rotation, while my love for Arca is unquestioned. 

That leads us to Re-Animator, I’m Your Empress Of and The Mosaic of Transformation, all of which I actively feel bad for disqualifying. I’m too much of a fan of Everything Everything to impartially write about their new album, though it was one of my most frequently played. I have been writing best-of lists for six years now and I would prefer to write about a constantly expanding, diverse group of artists. That means I can’t keep doting on Empress Of, despite her status as one of our best contemporary artists. Me and Us were truly just prelude to her 2020 record, whose title is a formal introduction. Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith is also the most talented analog synth musician that I personally have ever engaged with, and her latest album is everything I could have wanted.  

It took some self-control (aka strict time management) to not write a few thousand words about The Ascension. Let’s recall my massive thesis on Carrie & Lowell… Yes, I am a former Catholic who thrives in the ambiguous invocation of Scripture, especially from a songwriter who quite literally shaped my taste in music. Luckily, I’m not nearly as pent up with anger and existential dread as in 2015 when I was, for the first time, processing the physical and emotional distance from my family. This elongated emotional breakdown was spurred by drama between my parents, but was also due to an irrational fear I held about my own mother’s death. Listening to Sufjan Stevens forgive his mother on her figurative deathbed has stayed with me. 

The anxiety I felt about 2020 was almost entirely external, so the gorge formed from the current of The Ascension was not nearly as deep a canyon in my heart as C&L, though it is still an affecting 80-minute journey. Stevens’ production, when coupled with his lyricism, is a breakthrough, though I do hear murmurs of folktronica from earlier in the decade. (I’m begging everyone to listen to Under Our Beds by Consilience.) And for perhaps the first time, there were songs that I occasionally skip. If I still had to commute to work, I bet they would have grown on me. In fact, this would have been a perfect driving album—one that wouldn’t cause me to weep while on the interstate. (oh Carrie. oh Lowell.)

Then there was VOL.II by my dear friend Lauren Ruth Ward. She gave me an opportunity to write a unique interview with her about the record to be printed on the inside of the gatefold, making it a permanent fixture on this most exciting of sophomore albums. I could not justify writing anything more about it, if only to preserve the sanctity of that interview, which I gave more effort and attention than any other piece of writing I had done. It was a wonderful and inspiring experience that I hope to replicate. The most heartbreaking part of the pandemic’s onset, from a social perspective, was not being able to visit Lauren after the record was released. 

With all that said, 2020 was about so much more than the music I listened to. All the digital replacements for physical intimacy during lockdown made me realize that my legacy (aka all my music writing) is fragile, locked into the impermanence of the internet. So I took it upon myself to build a physical archive; in the fall, I finalized a zine template, and the first eight issues are in the can. (So far, I have 19 zines planned. Email me if you are interested in having one!) 

I’ve also been living without a front tooth since mid-March. On one hand, it’s been convenient to wear a mask to hide the hole in my mouth, but on the other hand, all I want to do is bite into an apple. (For almost two years before I even knew I had to have my tooth removed, I had been forced to slice apples before being able to eat them. The abject humiliation.) The journey with my dentists and oral surgeon has been excruciating, to say the least. Who knew three people in the same medical practice could have such mightily different styles of care? [Author’s note: I got my crown after writing this essay! :grinning-emoji:]

In sum, it was my image of myself that I was able to see a bit clearer this year. Each year I think that I’ve figured something else out about myself, which had always led me to believe that I am a most-complex, divine being. But I think a more accurate interpretation is that, put simply, I am not static. My thoughts and emotions adapt to life and life doesn’t seem to stop throwing me around like sneakers in a tumbling dryer. My pronouns are now they/them and while I don’t have many specifics as to why, I just know that this feels right. 

I hope your year was at least acceptable; 2021 promises a host of new challenges, but I think we can take ‘em. 

[spoonie-swiftie]

Tw: eating disorder and self harm

no specifics, no numbers.

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I’ve been thinking about my “journey” with my eating disorder since I read the article through a steady flow of tears last night. I usually HATE using words like “journey” and “warrior” and it still doesn’t feel like it fits right or natural in this context even though its the truth. It’s been a very long, very wind-y, crappy and treacherous road that started and stopped many times over the past 28 years and while I wish I didn’t have to ride this very shitty, low budget, rickety ass roller coaster it’s mine and I’m proud to have made it as far as I have. I’ve wanted to talk about it and I have in bits and pieces for years. But between the article coming out last night and seeing so many of my swiftie friends talk about their struggles with body image and disordered eating and seeing a ton of my chronically ill friends coming forward and sharing that they, too, have struggled with the same issues as well (unfortunately most of us have since chronic illness takes a lot of body autonomy away and eating disorders give us a very false sense of control) I really wanted to open up and share, Just to get it out of my brain, even if it gets buried by algorithms or nobody cares reads it.

I read this article written by Variety on a snippet of @taylorswift new documentary Miss Americana as soon as it came out. In it she explains how the unsolicited comments and opinions of people in and out of the media about her appearance ended up putting thoughts in her mind of what her body “should” look like and subsequently what she should or shouldn’t eat. Thankfully it sounds like she’s doing better but as I know all too well it’s extremely difficult to kick those self critical thoughts out of our brains once and for all. The thing that I think hurts my heart most is that after her helping me through years and years of my eating disorder and listening to Tied Together With A Smile on repeat so many nights and hating everything about my body, or lyrics like “and it’s a sad picture, the final blow hits you, somebody else gets what you wanted again. You know it’s all the same, another time and place. Repeating history and you're getting sick of it But I believe in whatever you do, And I'll do anything to see it through. Because these things will change” or “Wish I could make it better, Someday you won't remember, This pain you thought would last forever and ever” or “Ten months sober I must admit just because you’re clean don’t mean you didn’t miss it. Ten months older I won’t give in, now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it” i sang these lyrics like they were prayers I was sending to God and they were some of the few things getting me through and making me feel better. It felt like she opened me up like a well loved novel and took excerpts of my life and made them poignant and purposeful. I just hate that she has had to deal with the same feelings and it makes me wanna drop kick all the people who put their two cents in on her appearance. Repeatedly. With spikey steel toed boots.

If you’re unfamiliar with my story, here’s a tiny snippet of my life and my experience with the crappy brain monster that is disordered eating and it’s best pal body dysmorphia. I went from being tiny (thanks to growth hormone deficiency) and twig like my first 14 years, being a cheerleader and never even thinking about how I looked and then I got injured, (which kicked my genetic condition Ehlers Danlos Syndrome unbeknownst to us at the time into high gear) went from being active every day to being homebound and spending most of my time on the couch. My muscles that I worked so hard on left and everything got soft and squishy and between years of different doctors looking me up and down, deciding I must not have anything physically wrong and telling me and my mom that I was just making it up for attention I got angrier and angrier at my body for ruining my life and taking most of my friends away and started taking it out on my body. I struggled with self harm in silence for many years before I ever dealt with food issues but as I’ve learned it self hatred is damaging no matter what actions you partake in. My mental health got better after I went back to school, was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (EDS was still hiding) and joined band but after I had to drop out of community college & went back to spending most of my life in bed that’s when I developed my eating disorder. I didn’t even realize that I had an eating disorder until after I had gone through multiple rounds of treatment. I thought I couldn’t have an eating disorder if I wasn’t underweight (spoiler alert: eating disorders have very little to do with your weight or size and more to do with your thoughts and actions just so you know 🥰) When I was my sickest and was admitted to a residential treatment facility I wasn’t underweight (I was actually “obese” according to my BMI which is the biggest crock of shit but that’s a whole other story) and I had to be constantly reminded that I deserved to be there because even if I couldn’t see it my brain was just as sick as the girls who were underweight. When I finally started accepting it (5 ish days in) my insurance decided that even though all my providers said I needed to be there, had completed multiple outpatient treatment programs, and I was pre approved before I even stepped foot on property I wasn’t “sick enough to warrant such intensive treatment”. Literally told my mom and I that they wouldn’t pay because I wasn’t thin enough. I’ll never forget hearing my mom sobbing on the phone and promising them that if I died they were to blame. Thankfully, even though I didn’t get the treatment that I deserved and needed, something clicked during my third program and I recovered and while I still consider myself to be mostly recovered, having my weight yo yo-ing from Gastroparesis (literally my stomach is paralyzed and food doesn’t digest normally which is why I have a feeding tube) and other symptoms of GP screws w/ my head every once in a while. But I’m so thankful that most of that is behind us, for me and Taylor, and I hope to God it stays there. And while it’s definitely not something I would have chosen for myself (they’re really not fun, 0/10 wouldn’t recommend) I’m thankful for the people I’ve met along the way because they are some of the strongest people on this earth (even if they’re rolling their eyes while reading this, you know who you are ♥️) and I’m so proud of us and the things we’ve learned along the way. And I hope one day I can hug Taylor and thank her for all the strength and courage SHES passed on to me through her music over the last 13 years.

~love love love~

Mandie

Photo timeline:

1-this was taken at the ComeBacks retreat this November. I can honestly say I feel the most at peace with my body image now than I have in 13+ years (2019)

2-when I was physically my healthiest. I was an All Star competitive cheerleader and was very physically fit, but at the same time I didn’t think about how I looked hardly ever (2003)

3-after I got injured and was homebound from school. This was when my feelings about my body started to plummet and I was super depressed (2005)

4-during my very short time in college, just before my disordered eating started (2010)

5&6-after I had to drop out of school because my health dropped off a cliff. This is when my mental health started to turn and my disordered eating took off but I was hardcore in denial (2011-2012)

7-during one of my intensive outpatient treatment programs that actually ended up making me a hell of a lot worse (2012)

8-right after I finished my last treatment program and it finally stuck. I was in recovery but not considered Recovered yet (2013)

9-one year behavior free! (2014)

10-definitely the heaviest I’ve ever been and the sickest physically but also some of the happiest times as well (2016)

[idiotphobic-archive]

the next milk carton kid

summary: this kid was fucked from the start, so what’s it to you if they make a pact with a demon?

words: 1,679

“what’s your name, kid?”

the vibrations of the train echoed in their ears. a beat passed before they spoke, trying to swallow the lump forming in their throat. is it really smart to give this.. man their name? what about their last name? would that be safe?

“m... murphy.”

his eyebrows flew up in surprise, but the look wasn’t on his face for long. “hm.. that’s a weird name. you sure that’s your name?”

“uh? yes?” 

“you don’t sound sure about that.” he crosses his arms and leans against the wall. if they weren’t at the mercy of this random guy, they’d laughed, maybe even accidentally smack their head against the crate from laughing so hard.

the teenager blinks slowly. once. twice. three times. fuck. they push up their glasses and rub the tiredness out of their eyes.

they’d never willingly travel here - at least, not in the rain, or during the darkest nights of the year, and yet, here they were; trudging through the damp undergrowth, ready to collapse at any moment. they stopped suddenly, enough to trip over something, making a growl bubbling up in their throat.

they hold themselves up, staring at the muddy ground. ironically enough, the only thing that could even come to mind were lyrics from a song they’d been listening to only an hour earlier. if they had anymore strength, they’d muster out a laugh. how sad, they thought to themselves, i’m going to die alone, in the forest, with my last thoughts being how good that one halestorm cover is.

they willed themselves to their feet, leaning on the upwards slope of the ground. their breathing begins to get heavier. their hands dig into the earth - a sad attempt to keep them from slipping back down again and again, being stuck in an eternal hell similarly to pushing a boulder up a hill, only for it go down the other side.

they groaned, slowly scaling the hill. mud stains everything about their appearance; their previously dirtied sneakers, their old and worn clothing, their hair, their skin - but they don’t care one bit. 

once their hands reach the top of the hill, they clutch it tightly. they pull themselves up, panting, the feeling of their wet hair sticking against their face a strange reassurance. they pulled themselves to their feet, shaking their hands to rid them of the mud, but to no avail.

the hell? they squinted, blinking multiple times. were those train tracks?

no way.. they bumped their feet together, taking in the sight before them; yes, there were indeed train tracks in the middle of this forest, somehow.. it wouldn’t be a surprise to them, since they’d seen train tracks smack dab in the middle of their small town, except they were unbearably deep in the forest - or maybe it was the lack of sleep that was causing the unusual sense of surprise.

a bright light off to their side appeared, suddenly, maybe even magically. they slowly turned their head to their right, seeing a pair of bright white headlights. they squinted, shielding their eyes using their arm. ow, ow, okay, what was going on?

the loud rumbling of a train greeted their next thoughts, and they began to panic, seeing as they were almost touching the tracks. they scrambled backwards, flailing their arms. they weren’t ready to break their neck and die just yet. they stabled themselves, watching the train approach. maybe if they hitched a ride on this train, they could get out of here.. 

before they knew it, the rumbling was louder, and the train was almost upon them. being lost in their thoughts in a situation like this could get them killed. they lightly slapped themselves, blinking repeatedly. not only being lost in their thoughts could get them killed, but falling asleep near or even on the tracks was a death sentence. 

they blinked. they pushed up their glasses to rub their eyes. they repeated the movements before the train rushes by them.

the force of the wind almost knocked them to the ground; what the hell? they’d never been on a train before, but this couldn’t be how it worked.

they shook their head, balancing on their heels before taking off in a sprint. every movement made them grit their teeth. pain echoed deep in every bone of theirs, but they reluctantly continued.

they jumped, and barely grasped the side of an open cart in their dirty hands. they gasped, wheezed, and hauled themselves into the cart with a loud thump. they coughed, and coughed, and hit their fist on their own chest, coughing up saliva and spitting it onto the wooden floor. 

the wind and rain from outside the train hits their already drenched back like a spear, and they gasp again. they shakily get to their feet, struggling, but able to close the door to the cart that they’d jumped through. 

they’re not on their feet for long, though, and they collapse to their knees. they breathe heavily, slowly, carefully. holy shit, they think to themselves, staring at the somewhat-blurry floor, i can’t believe that worked, how did that work?

they sneeze, and pull off their jacket, then their shirt. they wring both of them out, wincing, and tugging their shirt back over their head. they pop off their shoes, then their sweatpants. they rinse and repeat the same actions, slowly pulling on their sweatpants again.

they stay there, for a couple more seconds. they blink. their glasses don’t seem to be helping their vision. they clumsily take them off, and shove them into their jacket, curling it up protectively. 

they then move across the floor like an animal, and sit behind a pile of boxes and crates, collapsing against them and letting out a shaky sigh of relief. 

“well, what do we have here?”

they let out a strangled scream as a figure appears beside them, tensing up, but unable to move. tears begin to pool in their now-tightly-closed eyes as the worst-case scenario began to run through their brain. fuck, okay, i’m going to die, this is it! i’m going to die!

“you can’t be any older than eighteen..” a male voice mumbles, gently. there’s no movement, no attempt on their life, though. they trembled, but opened their eyes, and took in the person before them.

he was sitting in front of them, patiently, and a good foot or two away from them. he had loose clothes, ripped pants, and sharp nails. were those.. horns? and cat ears? and was that a tail flicking behind him?

“hey, who are you?”

the man gets no response from them; they’re too busy watching his softly glowing red eyes flick, which are staring at them intently.

“what’s your name, kid?”

the vibrations of the train echoed in their ears. a beat passed before they spoke, trying to swallow the lump forming in their throat. is it really smart to give this.. man their name? what about their last name? would that be safe?

“m... murphy.”

his eyebrows flew up in surprise, but the look wasn’t on his face for long. “hm.. that’s a weird name. you sure that’s your name?”

“uh? yes?” 

“you don’t sound sure about that.” he crosses his arms and leans against the wall. if they weren’t at the mercy of this random guy, they’d laughed, maybe even accidentally smack their head against the crate from laughing so hard. 

he continued on, with a slight sigh, “why are you here?”

“why are you here?” they retorted, feeling their hands shake. his outline was somewhat blurry, and they saw that tail move from behind him.

“answering a question with another question, are we?” his tone was dripping with amusement, and they continued to stare him down. “if that will make you answer my questions, then, okay. 

“i’m lucifer - nice to meet you, ‘murphy’ - and i’m looking to help poor kids like you that board my train.”

“your train?” they sputtered in disbelief; shit, they whined, i’m gonna be stuck in here, working on the train, huh? wait - his name is lucifer?!

“don’t worry, i won’t punish you or anything,” he nonchalantly adds, stretching out. “a lot of kids like you board my train like this, why do you think i keep the cart doors open?”

they paused, blinking. he did have a point, huh. this cart door thing only happened in movies - at least, to their knowledge.. they’d never even been near a train before this..

“but.. why are you here? what happened?” he continued on, sitting cross-legged. 

“what’s it to you?” they spat, curling in towards themself. his eyes softened, but he didn’t move. 

“what are you running from, kid?”

they flinched, and he knew that he’d hit a nerve. he sighed, running a hand through his hair as best as he could with his pointed horns. they watched him, carefully, as if he was going to strike at any moment. they inhaled, shakily, and looked off to the side.

“shit happened, okay?” they mumbled, “i saw something.. and flipped out.. and i got lost and couldn’t go back.”

the only sound was the click-clack of the running wheels of the train, and the heavy rain against the roof. lucifer couldn’t help but feel sorry, and sighed, standing up, brushing the dirt off of his clothes, and extending a hand to the disgruntled teenager.

“hey, how about we make a deal?” they met his eyes, blinking. did they hear him right? a deal? they didn’t take his hand, but adjusted themselves.

“a.. deal..?” 

“yes, a deal,” he hummed, patiently keeping his hand out. “you get to ride with me, and never have to return to your old life.”

they stayed silent for a moment, but replied, “what’s the catch?”

“you ride with me on this train for the night.”

“...is that it?” 

“yes, that’s it.” 

they bit their lip, toying with the wet jacket in their lap, but soon grabbed his outstretched hand. he pulled them up to their feet, albeit, somewhat wobbly, and gripped his hand tightly, shaking it. “it’s a deal.”

his eyes flashed, but he gave them a reassuring smile. “now that you’ve agreed, why don’t we head to the front of the train? you look like you need a towel or two.”

maybe more than that.. they clutched the jacket in their hands. “how are we gonna get there, though?”

“oh, you’ll see.” he grips their hand, and a red aura begins to surround the both of them. “close your eyes, okay?”

they do as told, shutting their eyes tightly. they feel lighter, and the aura begins to shine brightly, completely enveloping them in light. when the light disappears, they disappear as well, leaving the boxes and crates in empty railroad cart, alone.

[alfolfa]

Do Me a Favor?

Annabeth didn’t know what had gotten in to her, but before she knew it she was already dialing Piper’s number. They had broken up a few months ago, but Annabeth still hadn’t told her family, who very much approved of Piper. The topic of the breakup never really came up in any conversation, which was Annabeth’s excuse for not telling them. But now, the Chase household was hosting their annual Christmas gathering, where friends and family all are invited— meaning Piper was expected to come. Annabeth didn’t know why she couldn’t just show up without Piper. Why she couldn’t just say they had broken up. But it was already too late when she heard a familiar voice answer the phone.

“Annabeth?” The voice asked. God, she missed that voice. The breakup was mutual, they both thought it was best. They had an argument. Much more serious than the rest of the ones that they had before. It just didn’t seem like something they could recover from. She wasn’t sure how the argument started, or what it was about, but she knew it was bad enough to cause them to break up.

“I can’t just be perfect, Annabeth!”

“You can at least try to do things the right way!”

“What? You think I don’t try?”

“Piper that’s not-“

“No. I get it. You don’t think I try. Whenever an exam comes up, you think I just do nothing. You think I don’t study. Whenever your birthday comes up, you think I don’t try to get you a nice gift.”

“Piper please-“

“Don’t even, Annabeth. You think I don’t care enough about anything to give a shit about what’s going on around me. You’ve always thought I was this lazy asshole who let everyone do everything for her. But believe me, I try so damn hard with you. I’ve always tried so hard with you. You’re the only person I was ever sure about. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved, for God’s sake. How self-involved do you have to be to have never noticed?”

“No…” Annabeth could feel the tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I’m done, Annabeth. I’m sorry, but I’m done.” Piper stormed out the day door.

Okay so it wasn’t a mutual breakup. Piper broke up with her. She hated that. She also hated that she was definitely in the wrong. But it was too late for any of that. “Yeah… hi.” She finally responded. “Um… so my family is having their Christmas party thing, and I…” She didn’t know how to ask. ‘Hey, can you pretend to still be my girlfriend because I haven’t told my family we’ve broken up?’ didn’t sound like the best thing to say. “… I was wondering if you could go… with me...” Annabeth could almost see the smirk through the phone. She hated that smirk. She loved that smirk.

“Have you not told anyone we broke up?” Annabeth stuttered over her words.

“Listen, I know it’s been a while since we broke up, but the topic never really came up, so…”

“Wouldn’t the topic have come up while you were talking about the Christmas party?” Annabeth just didn’t respond. The truth was, she didn’t want to tell her family they had broken up. Piper had just gotten along with her family so well, and they really seemed to like her. She didn’t want them to be sad that they weren’t going to see her again. Piper and her started dating during their first year of college up until a few months into their fourth. “Doesn’t matter. I’ll go.” Annabeth’s thoughts were broken when Piper spoke up again. She hadn’t really registered her answer until a couple seconds later.

“You… what?”

“I’ll go. As long as it means I get to have that famous Chase family Christmas Pudding. Plus, your family kinda loves me and I’d like to see them one last time.” Annabeth smiled even though she knew Piper couldn’t see her.

“Thank… thank you so much, Piper. I promise I’ll tell them after Christmas.”

“Sounds good. Stop by my apartment when you’re ready to go.” Annabeth hummed in agreement. “Is Nico going?”

“Yeah, and Percy. I thought they could come with us, why?”

“Is it alright if I invite someone?”

“I guess… Piper what are you planning?” She could hear that goddamned smirk again.

“Nothing.” Annabeth rolled her eyes. It wasn’t nothing.

*

A few days went by. Mostly filled with packing and constantly reminding Percy that they were leaving the next day.

“Sorry.” Percy said when Annabeth had scolded him for not finishing packing. “Hey, I feel left out. Why am I the only one getting in trouble.” He glanced around the room and only saw her and Nico. “Where’s Piper?” Annabeth’s heart felt heavy. She didn’t want to say anything.

“She-um… She’s spending time with her friends.” Percy scrunched his eyebrows.

“I haven’t seen her in a while. How many friends does she have?”

“She has her own life, okay?” She said a little too harshly. “Sorry. She just has her own stuff going on, is all.”

“Is she even going to New York with us?” Nico asked.

“Of course she is. There’s no reason for her not too.” Annabeth knew she sounded way too defensive, but if she got her point across she was fine with it.

“Jeez. Fine.” Nico spoke. “I guess it’ll be kinda nice to see her. It’s been a while.” Annabeth tried to hide her smile. Nico saw her. “Don’t tell her I said that.”

“Is she bringing that stuffing that she makes? That stuff is really good.” Percy asked. Annabeth smiled. And for a moment, it was almost like nothing had ever even changed.

“I’ll be sure to ask her.”

*

Annabeth held her hand out to the door, ready to knock. Except she didn’t knock. She brought her wrist up to her forehead to wipe off the mild sweat. She wiped her palms on her pants and tried again. She barely got one knock before she gave up again. Thankfully, Piper still answered the door.

“Did you forget how to knock, or...?” Piper teased. Annabeth smiled. She tried to fight off a blush that was making its way to her face. She didn’t succeed.

“Right, yeah. Sorry. Are you ready to go?” Piper smiled at her, and nodded her head before grabbing a suitcase by the door.

“You’re gonna have to relax if you want this to seem natural.” Annabeth sighed.

“I know.” They walked over to the elevator in silence, a weird atmosphere around them.

“Percy and Nico are already waiting in the car.” Annabeth said to break the silence.

“Great.” Piper smiled. Annabeth noticed the elevator stop at a different floor.

“Did you press that?” Piper just smiled in return and walked out the doors. Annabeth frantically followed behind her.

They stopped at someone’s door. Oh god. Annabeth thought as she saw who opened it. “I can’t believe you...” She whispered as Will Solace went to his room to grab his bags.

“I’m doing us all a favor. It’s been taking too long, you know that. Plus, his family bailed on him so I’m being a good friend.” Annabeth grunted in protest, even though she knew Piper was right.

“Ready?” Will asked as he got back.

“Ready.” Annabeth answered. She shook her head at Piper and started walking.

*

As soon as Nico saw Will, he almost spat out the water he was drinking and glared at Piper. Annabeth got in the driver’s seat.

“So much for wanting to see you…” He mumbled. Will glanced at him, confused. Piper laughed as she started to get in the back seat of the car before Percy stopped her.

“Don’t you wanna sit in the front? You know, with your girlfriend?” Piper scoffed.

“Girlfr-yes.” She stopped herself and speed walked around the car to the passenger’s seat. Annabeth hit her arm once she sat down. Annabeth waited for the boys to get in the back seat until she drove away.

“Percy, you know you’re not allowed in the middle.” Annabeth said once he tried to get in after Nico. There were incidents in the past that led to Percy being banned from the middle seat. Will got in. With Percy going after him. The rest of the car ride was mostly quiet, except for Percy singing along to every song that came on. Even if he didn’t know the lyrics, he tried to guess. He never guessed right. Piper and Nico slept for most of the ride, while Will asked repeatedly how long the rest of the ride would take because he had to pee. This drive takes an hour and a half, Annabeth thought.

*

Annabeth pulled into the driveway of her parents’ house. Everyone got their stuff from the trunk of the car and made their way to the porch, where Annabeth opened the door. She was immediately greeted by her family. One by one, they took turns hugging her and the rest of her friends. She showed everyone their separate rooms once everyone was done talking. “Are we sharing a room?” Piper asked as they were walking down the hall. Annabeth thought for a moment.

“We’re gonna have to.” Annabeth could see Piper visibly clench her jaw. This wasn’t going to be an easy weekend for either of them. Annabeth led Piper to their -Annabeth’s- room, although Piper was already familiar with it. Piper placed her bags next to her side of the bed and sat down on it, Annabeth doing the same. “How is this gonna work?” Annabeth asked.

“We just… act the same way we did before we broke up.”

“That’s gonna be hard for so many reasons.” Annabeth looked at the clock on the wall. “It’s almost seven. My parents probably have dinner ready.” Annabeth noticed how Piper happily sighed as she got up from the bed. Annabeth couldn’t help but smile at her.

Piper and Annabeth took their places at the table next to each other. They tried their best to act the same way they did when they were dating. They would occasionally glance at each other and smile, when dinner was over, they linked their arms, Piper laying her head on Annabeth’s shoulder at one point. Annabeth couldn’t help the amount of times she blushed whenever Piper did something affectionate towards her, even though she knew it wasn’t real. Her feelings for Piper never left. They had broken up, but that didn’t mean Annabeth had stopped loving her.

read on ao3 with many many changes

[interesting-blog-name]

SLIGHTLY NEW ALBUMS I LIKED (Little Simz - GREY Area; Monsune - Tradition; Backxwash - God Has Nothing to Do With This Leave Him Out of It)

More loose reviews that I write and instantly want to get out of my Word document and into Tumblr without much of an overlaying theme between the albums or any planning as to which ones I’ll be releasing at which point, but it is what it is. This time I’ll be compiling some recent-ish albums I’ve enjoyed, two of which I’ve come to know from TheNeedleDrop (I try not to watch reviews before writing down my opinion btw), and one EP from an artist I like. Here it is.

Little Simz – GREY Area

Little Simz, the 26-year-old British rapper, is an artist I’ve loved the first time I heard her, when I listened to Selfish for the first time and saw her cover of Feel Good Inc. in triple-j’s Like A Version. Today, May 30th, I was planning on listening to White Chalk by PJ Harvey, but from what I read, it’s a pretty depressing album, and I’m not in the mood for that right now, so I picked GREY Area from my future listening list.

It’s really nice to hear a rap album like this once in a while. The instrumentation is organic and well thought out, her flow is amazing, and her lyrics have so much substance and personality to them, ranging from the happier, more reminiscent tone in 101 FM to the much more aggressive tracks Offence, Boss, Venom and Pressure, she’s always giving her take on life, telling the experience of what it’s like being a black person with big dreams in England, seeing friends die while she tries to go somewhere in life through music.

The main tone she picks for her self-narrative is an unapologetic view of the world around her; she tells the listener: “’til now I ain’t ever been the selfish type, ‘till now I ain’t ever told nobody no, don’t get it twisted. This shit ain’t happen overnight” in the biggest song off here, Selfish, featuring the most calming and lavish pianos and violins in this album, and an amazing feature by Cleo Sol on the hook. Pressure features an amazing batch of verses all about. Same thing with the intro, Offence, with its bold, empowering chorus; although the track comes off more playful with its cartoonish sound effects nearing the end than the raw message of the track mentioned previously. A great, high-spirited track to start off the album.

What isn’t as high-spirited is the next track, Boss, or, to be fair, almost all the other tracks in the album. Boss is a big fuck you to anyone you might dedicate the song to: the hook has Simz’s most aggressive delivery in the whole record, and the entire message is about getting over those who hurt you and coming up.  The second verse is something else.

Wounds, featuring Jamaican singer Chronixx, deals mostly with the gun/crime problem ever-so-present in marginalized communities all around the world, and she tells the story from the perspective of both herself and as a companion of the “gun man”, repeatedly mentioned in the song (“When a gun man only knows self-hate, them bullets show no love”). I’m not super crazy for Chronixx’s hook, or the much slower tempo of the track, but it fits well with the groovy instrumental. Venom, on the other hand, is a super exciting, menacing song. She goes all out over the violins playing in the background, but unfortunately, the track burns twice as bright to last half as long.

To lighten the mood a bit, 101 FM brings the most electronic instrumental, with cheerful, banging 808s and synths, and lyrics about her come up as a rapper, probably the verses where her British accent and slang dominate the most, giving them a more personal feel somewhat. Pressure doesn’t feature the most compelling instrumental or hooks in here – the Little Dragon refrain is mixed very poorly and the vocalist just doesn’t do a great job -, but the verses compensate for that, especially the first one, probably one of the most heartfelt and important ones in this album. Therapy talks about Simz’s struggles with finding comfort in therapy. The instrumental is average for the project, but still slaps, so that’s nice.

Sherbet Sunset is an ode to a broken relationship, and a theme that could be handled so poorly by other artists is handled masterfully by Little Simz. In three verses, she displays so many sides to what I assume is one relationship, so many emotions and thoughts that she shares, it really feels like she’s transcribing something of a focused, bright mind rush over the track, and it amazes me how she can reveal her feelings so well on a track like this, progressing from the regret of not seeing how it’d go wrong, to the anxiety that comes from spending all that time for seemingly nothing, to coming to terms with it in the last verse (although not quite). It’s a stunning song now that I listen to it again.

To close it all off, we have Flowers, mainly a tribute to various artists from the 27 club, with mentions of Jimi Hendrix and Amy Winehouse in the verses, trying to relate to their struggles with drug addiction and quick fame. It’s incredibly powerful and a great finisher.

I don’t dislike one track in GREY Area. It’s well conceived, a great statement, it really feels like she gives her all to make every track memorable, and even though her delivery is mostly monotone throughout the whole album, that also works to her favor, as she has a very unique and recognizable voice. So the lyrics are extremely well written, and the only reason I don’t give more examples of that is because I got a whole lot of school shit to do, the instrumental work is clean and precise, and I don’t have a whole lot to complain about. Check this shit out if you haven’t.

 FAVORITE TRACKS: 101 FM, Venom, Selfish, Offence, Boss, Pressure

LEAST FAVORITE TRACK: lol nah

 8.7/10

“Why you wanna all dress lies as truth? Have you ever seen what silence do? I don’t wanna see no violent troops putting out fires that haven’t been started”

 Monsune – Tradition

Damn I did not expect to like this as much as I did.

Monsune is a Chinese-Canadian singer who has recently been gaining some popularity from his amazing song OUTTA MY MIND, which features a funky bassline and high-pitched guitar playing that some have compared to Childish Gambino, specifically his album “Awaken, My Love!”. I decided to check out this short EP by him to see if he had anything more to offer, and it’s safe to say, he does.

The first track off Tradition already shows what this guy can do with his production. It starts off with the same vibe off of his previously mentioned biggest track, but on steroids: a prominent bassline, pitch-altered backing vocals, sunny guitars, and drowned out drums. His voice is also reaching higher notes in this song than in OUTTA MY MIND, but then in the middle of the song it all slows down for a very welcome beat change that shifts the song from this summer anthem to a very chill R&B tune. It’s amazing stuff, although I don’t understand why he chose to put some very noticeable autotune in this part.

CLOUD is my least favorite from the EP, but it’s still a very solid song, it’s just not amazing. The bass is still very strong, and the bridge later on in the song is addictive as shit. After that track comes OUTTA MY MIND, and then his style completely switches in MOUNTAIN, which starts off with some solo guitar and his low, beautiful singing. It’s actually really moving for some reason lol. It then picks up in the hook, the drums kick in along with what I assume is a keyboard, and his voice reaches the top of his range for the backing vocals, it’s a very well-made song.

JADE finishes Tradition off extremely beautifully, with a smooth acoustic guitar intro over a nice-ass bass, some ethereal, trippy scenes of Monsune floating over the ocean and appearing out of thin air in front of you (probably not you, the listener). And then all of a sudden this madman screams off the top of his lungs in the middle of the track and I fucking love it.

The flaws this EP has are mostly related to the mixing, which I think can be a little too harsh in some sections such as the big breakdowns in JADE and MOUNTAIN. Plus, I know lyrics aren’t a focus on a project like this, but it would be nice to get something more than love songs in the future perhaps. Still, loving this EP, so glad I checked Monsune out. You should too.

 WORST TO BEST: CLOUDS, 1998, JADE, OUTTA MY MIND, MOUNTAIN

 8/10

“Don’t you wanna come down? Cause I’m so bored of walking on the same old sky”

 Backxwash – God Has Nothing to Do With This Leave Him Out of It

God Has Nothing to Do With This Leave Him Out of It is an album by American rapper Backxwash, who received a new wave of attention after Anthony Fantano reviewed this album in his channel and gave it a decent 8. I haven’t watched the review yet, but I was interested in checking it out because of the high score, and especially since when I looked it up on Spotify, the songs only had around 8000 views.

Dark subject themes and the whole dark trap aesthetic are the core of this album. I, personally, have always been a fan of aggressive, heavy rap music, from more underground names like gizmo and Fukkit, to the more mainstream variant of these sounds, like XXXTENTACION. This album, however, operates in somewhat of a separate lane.

Many of the dark, edgy rap I used to listen to religiously back in the day was borderline mindless. Shit about ripping someone open, hollow flexing, except separated from mainstream rap only because the rapper in question is screaming their brains out when talking about designer clothes, instead of mumbling like your average Lil Baby, and, of course, personal problems, depression, being mad about whatever it was. Unlike its other contemporaries, however, it seems Backxwash has much more thought and elaboration into what she wants to yell about. Instead of hiding behind bass-boosted rather formulaic instrumentals, she takes the more scenic route, with still very dark, but more intricate gothic beats, sampling various religious speeches and implementing them into songs about black magic and overall unhappiness. The Black Sabbath sample that opens up this album should be enough for any listener to immediately understand what they’re about to get into, as the title track brings heavy percussion and some of the most graphic lyrics in the album, which it already doesn’t lack. Lines about downing pills and vodka, contemplating suicide, and blank vocalizations of anger (“I want war with these bitches, I want corpses and weapons”).

The track that resembles an average edgy Soundcloud rap song the most is Black Magic right after, with its own interpretation of the “ay” flow, shouted with a tone reminiscent of someone like Craig Xen. The big difference comes with the much grander production, especially the growling guitars that get introduced halfway, reminding the listener of Backxwash’s skill as a producer. From what I could tell, she was responsible for the production of the tracks in here, and considering there are no vocal guests except for Malldate’s quick appearance in Into The Void, I’m assuming the features listed in the tracklist are all producer credits as well, the feature in this track being Ada Rook, providing the amazing guitar work for this song.

Spells is mixed for me. I don’t enjoy the attempted singing in the chorus, and it falls completely flat to my ears; the beat is hard as ever, but the lyrics feel slightly disconnected with each other. At one point, she’s talking about going to Hell to her mom, at the other she mentions doors opening and closing in an office and how there’s no one in some corridor, and it doesn’t go anywhere from that, with lines such as “heart is so dead with tissue” not exactly evoking any sort of emotion or imagery.

Black Sheep is the most effective song out of the first four; it seems to filter all the positive aspects of the other tracks and package them into one quick serving. The beat is chaotic and in a constant state of unrest, the lyrics are centered and aimed at various of Backxwash’s problems in life, such as her father, people who want to bring her down and put her “in line on the X and O’s”, and overall venting. After that comes a brief interlude, the first of two that don’t have much use in the album except as pallet cleansers. It’s followed by Into The Void, a track that mentions her paranoia of being harassed and possibly killed when walking around in the streets and the deli. It’s haunting, and definitely the best song in here; it is laser-focused in the exact way I wished the previous tracks would be. Her vocal delivery is extremely expressive, and she tells the story in a way that gives the listener a brief, but at the same time immense glimpse of the reality that trans people face and have to go through, in a morbid fashion.

Adolescence is very short and eases the pace a bit after the intense emotions of the last. It’s a message to her younger brother that quickly descents into a confession of her inner struggle, mentioning possible overdoses and being too old for the 27 Club and fearing going to therapy. What’s great about this song is the fact that, even in such a short amount of time and with a less explosive instrumental, Backxwash manages to evoke her emotions so well; this is definitely what she does best in this record, and it overcomes the times where her delivery is flawed and her words are slurred and hard to understand. After this comes Amen, and holy fuck is this an angry song. Criticizing the hell out of the church, Backxwash comes at greedy pastors and their irresponsible spending when the churchgoers who support him are in need. My big problem with this song is the fact that the hook, as impassionate as it is, doesn’t do much for the subject, and the verse is way too short to have any impact with its theme. Lines like “these politicians politicking” don’t help much either.

The very distorted second interlude, Heaven’s Interlude, takes us to the last track, Redemption, the least intense song in here, which is appropriate as a sendoff. She expresses her frustrations towards her dad’s frustrations towards her being trans, and while the entire sentiment of the song is great and well formulated, I can’t find a way around the lines “Fuck these fucking boomers, fuck these fucking losers. Fuck theses motherfucking fuckers in their fucking two truck. Fuck these fuck(sic)abusers, and fuck these fucking rumors.”, they just emanate Limp Bizkit energy.

God Has Nothing to Do With This Leave Him Out of It is a very passionate, real, well produced and well-conceived album; it bears themes that are immensely important to be brought to the music scene, and by mixing that message with its explosive and polished production, it amplifies it a ton. However, as powerful as her deliveries are, I believe Backxwash can go much further with her songwriting and song structuring in the future, as well as her intonation, because that was really all that was keeping this album from being legendary. If she can do more of this in songs that are longer and super focused around whichever topic she decides, she can make something legendary. And thank God she got reviewed by Fantano, I hope she can take this opportunity and make something huge out of this.

 FAVORITE TRACKS: Into The Void, Black Sheep, God Has Nothing to Do With This Leave Him Out of It, Adolescence, Black Magic

LEAST FAVORITE TRACK: Spells

 7.7/10

“Chosen one, sad bitch, lowest scum. Coldest, huh, black sheep talk to ‘em. If the situation changed I would have said the same shit, exactly the same.”

[ateezpresent]

MY ATEEZ MV THEORY: HOW THEY ALL CONNECT

Okay ah hahah so I wrote this in like june/july and kind of forgot about it in my drafts but now that everyone is putting out these theories regarding the new comeback i was like wait i want to be smart too so I dusted this off and revised it and so 짠 here it is

This is just my perspective of treasure ep 1-3 and how it all tied together and how ateez is going to move forward with it. Honestly its kind of a mess so I put a TLDR at the bottom huueh but if anyone wants to talk about it with me just slide into me inbox/dms! yeehaw lets go

So!

ATEEZ’s name itself means that they represent the all teenagers from A to Z, including their dreams and ambitions. States of dreaming and waking seem to be a common theme throughout their lyrics and visuals of their title tracks. When they say their MVs are connected in a story, I think it’s a switch between being awake and being asleep, which has been said by the members and also interpreted similarly by other ATINY. Hongjoong also mentioned that the story wasn’t released linearly, as in their Say My Name MV reaction, he says that Treasure Ep. 2: Zero to One is actually the prequel to Treasure Ep. 1: All to Zero. HALA HALA and Say My Name (Treasure ep. 2) come before Treasure and Pirate King (Treasure ep. 1), and then followed by Illusion and Wave (Treasure ep. 3). 

(so uhh s/o to my european intellectual history prof who lectured forever and ever about freud because its what made me understand the importance of dreams and how life can be interpreted through dreams blah blah blah)

Going back to the MVs. Let’s start with HALA HALA, which is the beginning of the story.

The whole aesthetic of HALA HALA is very dark, violent, and mysterious. The outfits / makeup, as well as the location of the MV have a very concentrated concept: layered black clothes, chains, masked faces, sirens, flashing lights, very chaotic and anarchic. Even the choreography focuses more on the feel of the song rather than precise dance moves. A brief fight between San and Jongho in the 2nd pre-chorus may represent that, at this time, there was conflict within the team and they were unable to cooperate. It also ends with the members collapsing, with only Wooyoung standing. I think HALA HALA represents their nightmare, which is a result of their dark unconscious taking over their dreams. The unconscious holds unfulfilled wishes and unspoken desires.

“I’m nervous, my heart is pounding, this is the first time I’ve felt this way, meeting a new side of me” ➙ slipping into their nightmare, they may not understand what is happening, since in everyday life, they aren’t aware of their dark desires 

“Deep in my heart, deep in my soul” ➙ referring to the unconscious

 For ATEEZ, their unconscious may hold feelings of despair and frustration from working so hard for their goals. These desires will manifest themselves in dreams, on the surface level, as the images and events they see. Dreams can be further analyzed for certain symbols or themes to reveal those unconscious thoughts, which is what I believeTreasure Ep.2 is about. HALA HALA expresses a very primal desire to be on top, resorting to violence and chaos to reach their objective. Its a manifestation of raw emotions.

“Surprise, standing applause. Suicide Squad, the reality. Frightening, lets get burning now.” ➙ Suicide Squad were villains with nothing to lose, they’re willing to do anything to be the best 

“We’re rising sun. No one refutes us, no. Burning hot.” 

After being consumed by their ambitions, their dream turned into a nightmare. They couldn’t work together as a team and ended up destroying each other in the process, so that only one was left standing (Wooyoung), without the rest of his members. Which is why in Say My Name, they’re begging to be woken up.

Say My Name and HALA HALA have a lot of similar symbols in the MVs. The figures from HALA HALA make frequent appearances, and ATEEZ seems to be confronting them, or sees them in different places. Those figures appear as antagonists, keeping ATEEZ from waking up. It is, however, revealed in the end that Seonghwa was interrogating himself, showing that they are their own antagonists and it was their own unconscious that is keeping them from waking up. The lyrics heavily imply that ATEEZ wants to wake up, and are encouraging the listener (ATINY) to say their name repeatedly in order for them to escape their sleep. 

“Say my name, wake me up from sleep, say my name one more time”

They aspire to wake up and see the world again, and don’t want to be trapped in their HALA HALA nightmare anymore. 

“Looking only at the moon, seeing how beautiful the world is” 

Lets talk about some of the symbols in this MV and what they represent in dreams: 

The horn motif, which Hongjoong carries and is constantly center (visually), means that the dreamer needs to pay more attention to their inner voice and intuition.

San is seen looking in a mirror, seeing his own reflection as well as HALA HALA Yeosang, symbolizing a need to confront elements from the subconscious. He is also surrounded by shards of broken mirror, symbolizing poor or distorted self-image, and a need to put an end to old-habits / behavior. 

Yeosang in his ‘cage’ indicates inhibitions and a feeling of confinement, seemingly by the HALA HALA figure (which I think is San?) pacing around him.

Yunho is seen at a desk, holding a quill and surrounded by a mess of supplies. The quill, a utensil for writing, cautions the dreamer of the power of words (maybe lyrics). Sitting at this messy desk shows that he is working through his problems, and figuring out his priorities. The hourglass on the desk represents a deadline, that time is running out.

wow I really feel like a high school english teacher

Some scenes are designed to appear as a museum, which represents a ****non-traditional path to success and risk-taking****, and also reflecting and learning from personal history. (I think this one is really important)

Typewriters represent a desire to communicate, maybe with ATINY, who is waking ATEEZ up. They all seem to be frantically trying to communicate in these scenes.

I think the hooded figures in Hongjoong’s scenes represent those who may try to deceit or underestimate ATEEZ, and since he’s the captain / leader, he is confronting them.

The strobe lights / flashing between Say My Name and HALA HALA represents chaos in waking up, skewing perspective… maybe making everything seem like an ILLUSION

I’m getting a little ahead because now we need to talk about Treasure and Pirate King.

So, storyline-wise, Treasure is supposed to come right after Say My Name, since we hear the beginning of the song at the end of the MV. Now that ATEEZ is awake, they’re embarking on a journey to find their Treasure. 

“It can complete us, or it can destroy us, and it can change the world. People call it… treasure” // “It doesn’t matter what you dream for. So let me ask you. What is your treasure?… Will you join us?” (intro: long journey)

In the Treasure MV, they’re in the desert, which is mentioned in lyrics in HALA HALA (”In the middle of the desert, a few more footprints, we keep going until the wind reaches the end of the sand”), and there is a moon in the sky, as mentioned in Say My Name’s lyrics (”When the moonlight calls us”). This song is about their new goals, finding their treasure together (ATEEZ + ATINY). 

“Lets leave for somewhere far away, it’s calling us, my treasure” 

“Hold my hand, finding you in my dreams. It continues to shine on us: starlight” 

“It’s fine with the two of us, I’m all set, let’s get it when you set baam”. 

They’re willing to do whatever it takes to reach their goals. 

“Nobody can stop us. To stop us, there’s no way”. 

Pirate King is a continuation of Treasure, and idk why Pirate King doesn’t have an actual MV (which kind of bothers me) but the lyrics at least provide some insight into the story line. Pirate King is more about achieving something together. 

“Now raise the anchor, walk with a dark heart. Anywhere, we can go. Whatever we are, you can follow us, hold your hand high. Under the burning light, you and me in the bright spot. Step 1,2,3 and 1,2,3 Let's go. Will you be my friend?”. 

Whenever they talk about “you and me”, they’re both referring to them, ATEEZ, together as members, as well as ATEEZ and ATINY together. We’ll help them achieve their goals, and they’re asking us to trust them and stay loyal to them as they complete their journey. 

“Anywhere, it doesn’t matter if you’re alone, hold my hand. I can go anywhere with you. Whatever stops us, I can get through it all. We can make everything together”. 

** OKAY SO HEAR ME OUT THIS IS SOMETHING NEW THAT I THOUGHT OF BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW EP 1 FLOWED INTO EP 3 BUT OK LET ME EXPLAIN:

ok so even though in the storyline ep 2 comes before ep 1, I think ep 1 is a flashback to bEFORE ateez became “evil” and “nightmarish” because they were getting shit done and being with atiny and yay 

it makes more sense to go from say my name into illusion, because in say my name they want to wake up but are being stopped because of HALA HALA, and then illusion is more of a - wait or it - ILLUSION because they aren’t really awake yet

WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED i wrote that the flashing lights and cutting between say my name outfits and HALA HALA outfits in the end of the say my name MV represented CHAOS IN WAKING UP AND SKEWING PERSPECTIVE YES ITS TYING TOGETHER

so yeah i think ep 1 is a flashback to how ATEEZ was before their whole journey began, but their story technically starts from HALA HALA

i think they did this so they can continue to have flashbacks / time jumps in future comebacks alskdjl;skdj KQ your M I N D

so HALA HALA / Say My Name ➙ flashback with Treasure / Pirate King ➙ continue from Say My Name into Illusion / Wave

phew okay so

So now that ATEEZ is starting to wake up, they get a little too excited about getting back to achieving their goals that they become delusional and imagine this amazing Utopia where everything is great and happy when in reality, they’re still stuck in their dreams.

“I saw it, felt it, in my dream that day. I’m sure that we will find it someday. Following the blurry afterimage, one stroke each night. Sketch the map”. 

For ATEEZ, that Utopia would be where they can be together with ATINY, having achieved all their goals, and can just relax and party and have a good time….

Now we’re in an Illusion! We’re still asleep, technically. The fake looking effects in the video add to the “illusion” concept, and everything looks a little too perfect. 

“I feel like I’m dreaming, please don’t wake me up… a day, two days, three days, four days. I don’t know what date it is today. Who and where am I, and who are you? Its the first feeling I’ve ever felt. Here is paradise. I don’t know, just party all night long”. 

They literally don’t know whats going on or what day it is or where they are, but they need to realize that this happiness is fake, and only temporary. All the colors in the MV and lyrics seem artificial, as we can see in the visuals, and are also described in the lyrics: 

“The bluish sun, the purple star” 

“its dazzling, dazzling, dazzling, oh dazzling” 

“On the pink island. On the iridescent ocean. Should I draw a more fantastic dream? Everything is beautiful here…” 

There are also symbols that connect back to the previous dream MVs, HALA HALA and Say My Name, with the masks from HALA HALA making a reappearance as well as a brief silhouette of a HALA HALA figure. We also get more symbolism of the hourglass and a compass. Theres also writing on the boat but my blind ass can’t read anything but one of the quotes says “the creative adult is the child who survived”, which contributes to the child-like nature of the MV. Towards the end of the MV, when they’re all marveling at the mystical scenery, they run through the tunnel where the HALA HALA figure was. This represents them snapping out of the illusion / trance to pursue their goals again. The end of the Illusion MV is them sleeping in the Wave MV settings, on a more realistic island. Now they’re waking up / snapping out of their illusion to keep pursuing their goals.

Before the Wave MV, though, is the Crescent track, which connects Illusion and Wave. 

“Open your eyes”. 

This represents them waking up, and now we’re in the superior title track #TeamWave. Once waking up, they band together again and just have a GOOD TIME which honestly is all I want for them. The lyrics talk about difficulties they may encounter during their journey, but to not take everything too seriously, and emphasizing the importance of having fun while doing what you love, even if its difficult. 

“Shout after sweeping your hair up, hakuna matata ya… Go over the tough wave” 

“Wherever you are I will be there. Hold my hands, hold my hands, we both are enough. Its okay if it’s more difficult, we’re just gonna play on it, we’re just going on~ 

If this moment is our wave, don’t be afraid and face it head on. We’re hotter than others under the sun, so don’t worry, go over the tough wave”. 

Treasure ep. 3 is the end of the Treasure series, so it makes sense to end on a positive note, that ATEEZ will continue their journey without hesitation, and assure us that we will take care of each other through good and bad times. 

me after revising this^

So, to summarize how all the MVs connect (TL:DR)

HALA HALA: the unconscious, ATEEZ’s nightmare, the result of them being obsessed with their goals to the point where they resort to violence and chaos, they don’t succeed as a team

Say My Name: wanting to be woken up from their nightmare, confronting their “enemy” , only to realize that its their own unconscious, continuing conflict with HALA HALA 

Treasure: A flashback to what ATEEZ was like before they became violent and nightmare-ish, when they worked together with ATINY and had ambitions and goals

Pirate King: continuing the flashback, more adventure and getting shit done

Utopia / Illusion: continuing from Say My Name, becoming entranced while waking up with the ultimate dream so much that they become disillusioned, in a trance where they party and think they’ve achieved their goals but they’re actually still “asleep”

Wave: snapping out of their illusion to confront their difficulties head on, reassuring ATINY that they will support each other and keep chasing their ambitions

Predictions moving forward??

SO if we need to continue this story into the next comeback, now they will be on a new journey!! Theres a ton of theories being thrown around for that but tbh my few braincells are exhausted from thinking about this- 

I think the HALA HALA nightmare will be a consistent motif throughout their future comebacks, like they’ll always be battling them, but maybe they’ll figure out how to finally get rid of them.

From the ONE comeback teaser pic thats been released so far I have no idea what the theme for this next adventure could be, maybe they’ll still be in the desert like they were in treasure ep 1 before they fell asleep

Whatever it is I think KQ did a really good job figuring out this theme for ATEEZ because it gives them a lot of flexibility with concepts and future plots for MVs.

[madsrocketship]

Whelp, none of you bitches wanted it but I DID it so here it is. I know most of you probably don’t give a shit about my thoughts on the new Taylor Swift album so my thoughts are below the cut. 

1. I Forgot That You Existed-So kind of weird to write a song about how much you don’t care about someone you broke up with 3 years ago but hey, it’s what she do. Production is memorable which is more than I can say for the rest of the album but she does the sing speak/Tay Tay rap she’s done on her last 3 albums added with the sarcastic/eye roll while I do it delivery so you can imagine the level of obnoxious. 

2. Cruel Summer-If you’re going to try to claim this song title from Bananaramma you best bring your A-game and not this mess. Seriously, trying to reclaim one of the most perfect pop songs of all time?!?! The song would MAYBE work if she focused in on the references to her being white girl wasted in the back of a car. If the drunkenness related more to the all over the placeness of the song but it doesn’t. Not sure why her fans think this would make the perfect single. Is this about summer ‘16 or ‘17? 

3. Lover-The title track and the just released third single. It’s whatever. Nothing good nor bad about it really and only lyrically interesting if you’re invested in the Taylor trying to find her true love narrative. I will say her deliver of “lover” makes me laugh because all I can think of is Jackie on That 70′s Show calling Kelso it all the time which is EXACTLY the person I’ve always imagined Taylor to be like so I guess it works? Oh and also: 

And as someone of almost the same age as Taylor she should know BOTH these cultural touchstones of the first half of the aughts.

4. The Man-Look, in theory I’m not inherently against Taylor tackling the double standards she faces as a woman. But....the song is both too specific and too generic. She wants it to be relatable for all women so there are platitudes she can’t pull off but then there are comparisons to her own reputation with Leonardo Di’Caprio which yeah the rest of us plebs don’t have to think about. But thanks for reminding me I think Leo has been overrated for years and sad at this point. 

5. The Archer-I should really love this song. It should have been the Getaway Car of this album where despite my loathing of Taylor I admit I can’t help my affection for the song. Jack Antonoff who I have a very love/hate relationship with (I’m a Bleachers fan and of course Melodrama is a masterpiece) admitted they did this song in like a day and it shows. They really should have worked this song through a bit more and it could have been something. The production starts off great but then repeats instead of pushing forward and climaxing at the emotional crux of the song. The lyrics are also solid individually but don’t come together as organically as they should. Wasted opportunity. 

6. I Think He Knows-I actually like the first verse of this song and then that sing speak/Tay Tay rap chorus kicks in, cranks the pitch up so only dogs can hear, and drops a “no one understands” that belonged on Swift’s first two albums and no further. 

7. Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince-What the fuck is this song even doing on the album? You’re almost 30 Taylor! I don’t want to hear about homecoming queens and shit with cheers in the background. 

8. Paper Rings-I genuinely like the lyrics on this one. Just makes it a bummer because the production during the verses is fun but the production on the chorus is too reminiscent of I’m Walking on Sunshine. But OK overall. And then...oh and then...she REPEATEDLY calls this man her baby boy. Please....I may throw up. 

9. Cornelia Street-Another song that you’ll only care about if you’re invested in the personal life of Taylor Swift. Also sounds like the reheated leftover production from So It Goes on her last album. 

10. Death by a Thousand Cuts-Another weird break up song on an album about love. Shrug but it’s actually good. I enjoy the piano on this one and if one song should be a single, it’s this one. The ”united we stand” lyric is weird though. 

11. London Boy-IDRIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?! Another song where I liked the first verse and then wanted to shoot myself. This song definitely feels like it is for the teeny boppers because the way she describes loving an English man is every fucking cliche in the book and is just Taylor’s excuse to use British slang. Good for the 12 twee fantasies. 

12. Soon You’ll Get Better-The only great song on the album. It’s old school Swift in every sense: it’s country, warm and unpolished (something she’s lacked since RED), and actually feels like something she wrote from emotion instead of the narrative she’s created or what she thinks will play well. It’s said to be about her mother’s cancer so I’m not going to dig in further but it’s her best writing in years. Shame she wasted the Dixie Chicks as simply background vocalists though. 

13. False God-Taylor should never use a saxophone in her songs because all it does is remind me she has no soul in her music or herself in the slightest. Another reheated decision from Reputation, this time those embarrassing breathy vocals from Dress to cover up her vocal shortcomings. 

14. You Need To Calm Down-Lyrics ain’t shit, she doesn’t know what shade means, and I liked the production at first but now that repetitive drop feels like Chinese water torture.

15.  Afterglow-Yet another song only important if you care about the personal journey of the artist in question. I guess it’s the first time we’ve ever really heard her take responsibility for her actions and not blaming the guy (excluding Back to December). That’s something I guess if you don’t pay attention to all the other times she hasn’t taken responsibility. 

16. ME!-We all know how we all feel about this rainbow turd. I just want to say I never thought I would feel the emotional equivalent of this

from one of Taylor’s lyrics ever again after hearing “This.Sick.Beat” on repeat in 2014. But “Hey Kids! Spelling is fun!” certainly did just that. 

17. It’s Nice to Have a Friend-I don’t know what this is or why it’s on this album. Is it like Everything Has Changed’s sequel? Just cut it from this already bloated album. 

18. Daylight-Congrats Taylor, I noticed you used the line from your Reputation poem in a song. Do I win a prize? Who cares at least this is all over now. Only possible reference to Tom when she says she’s been cruel to her nice exes and trusted the wicked ones. I Did Something Bad and Getaway Car could put Tom in either camp. 

Overall, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’d rather listen to Reputation. I tend to be of the mind that bad flavor is better than no flavor (why I’d rather watch the Star Wars prequels than The Force Awakens) and this is what we have in front of us. A car crash where she tried SOMETHING versus this album which is diet 1989. I think she’s run out of ideas trying to stay on top of pop trends that will keep her front and center. She hit the brick wall with her last album, there was nowhere else for her to go further into pop. The songs on this album could have been released at any point on her last three albums, there’s no forward progression but instead a backslide into the generic or retreads of old work. But this album/tour will make so much money so it’s not like she cares.  

[positiveparker]

I miss you (part 3) | h.o

hey guys this is a longer chapter as requested :) do let me know if you want a part 4

- pairing ; harrison osterfield x reader 

- warnings ; swearing! fluff!

- song ; kiss me: ed sheeran (trust me the lyrics apply to the story so freaking much!) (listen here)

(y/b/m) ; your birthday month

(y/e/n) ; you exes name (if you have one, if not just use a random one :))

(y/e/bf/n) ; your ex best friends name (again you probably have one but if not use a random name :))

not my gif

As soon as I ended the call a burning fire started in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t a messy fire that burnt and singed my happiness, it was a warm happy fire that started a smile in the corner of my mouth. I chucked my phone away and across the sofa, it slid under the pillow and I felt weightless. 

The shower squeaked off and I heard the faint noise of Harrison stepping out of the shower and onto the tiling. Then soon after he unlocked the door, a towelled, shirtless Haz covered in small beads of water came into the living room kitchen and stood in front of me. I tried not to gawk at his rippling abs by keeping straight eye contact with him. Though I did waver a few times I don’t think he really cared. 

“Where are the clothes Tom wanted to give me?” Haz asked breathily

“Oh they are under the bed” I replied smiling, Haz looked at me confusedly so I huffed and stood up leading him to where the clothes were. I crouched down and reached under the bed, I grabbed a huge black bin bag of clothes Tom had borrowed from Haz for his last press tour. I heaved the bag onto the bed and Haz reached his hand into it. The veins on his arms were prominent and I could feel the familiar heat of the hot water radiating from his skin. He picked out a black top and some grey tracksuit bottoms. 

“Thanks” He said returning into the bathroom to change. When the door shut I put the black bin bag under the bed and checked the time on my alarm clock. 

5:07

I was kinda starving since we fell asleep before we got to finish the pizza. I walked back into the kitchen living room and picked up the cold pizza box, throwing it in the trash. I opened the doubled door fridge yet again and looked at what food we had. Everything Tom ate was highly nutritious as he had a whole meal plan to be healthy enough for his films. I sighed whilst looking at all the kale and quinoa we had collected and slammed the doors. Haz came from out of the bathroom in his new attire, his hair was slightly damp and messier than before.

“I heard the fridge door slam, are you hungry?”

“yeah, but all we have is salad and quinoa” I huffed. We both stared at each other in awkward silence then burst out laughing. 

“oh god, why does he eat that bullshit”

“well he is more ripped than you” I joked

“hey!” Haz replied joking angrily “I am so ripped”

“not half as ripped as Tom” I joked. Haz ran towards me and wrapped his arms around my waist lifting me over his shoulder. I squealed and thrashed my limbs around. He spun me around until everything around us was blurred by the vertigo of my brain. We both chuckled and then he finally set me back down onto the kitchen floor. He smirked down at me and I blushed back up at him.  I was lost in his speckled azure blue eyes.

“You have nice eyes” He blurted out 

“Really?” I replied “I thought they were kinda boring”

“No way, (y/e/c) are super nice” He replied in his usual assuring slur. I smiled at him and he did his usual grin back at me.

“So should we go out to eat then?” 

“yes definitely”

“Chinese?” Haz smirked

“Of course” I smiled back. Haz ran his hand through his damp hair and smiled back.

I switched my dirty black hoodie for Tom’s white one, though it did smell of him I covered it with my Chanel perfume. Haz and I ran out the door and into the (y/b/m) air. The Chinese restaurant was just down the street, I analysed the busy street whilst Haz was telling me about how his dog once ate his own lead.

“He actually swallowed it?” I interrupted, my mind wasn’t really in the conversation, I was busy looking for paparazzi until I realised there wouldn’t be any being with Haz. My body sort of relaxed more and I seeped back into the conversation.

“…and then my mum had to take him to the vets and he had his stomach pumped” Haz carried on, he did actions in his sort of theatre kid way. 

“wow” I replied nodding my head at him.

We turned the corner and came to the Chinese restaurant. There was a small cue from outside the door and we quickly joined the line. Sweet smells wafted out of the door every time old customers came out of the door and back into the open. 

“How many?” A waitress grinned as soon as we got inside. 

“2” Haz smiled back. The waitress led us to a quiet table in the corner and we sat down. I sat facing all the people and I soon realised my ex (y/e/n) was sitting at the table opposite us. My stare caught his gaze and he recognised me. 

“shit shit shit” I whispered under the breath

“what?” Haz said touching my arm. 

“my ex”

“what?”

“my ex is over there”

“the kinda good looking one?” Haz chuckled

“yes HIM” I spat

“oh he is looking right at you” he smirked “oh and now at me and now the both of us”

“oh my god make it stop” I spat covering the side of my face

“oh no he’s coming over”

“no he fucking isn’t”

“oh yes he is and he is about to-“ Haz stopped and changed his posture. I looked up to see (y/e/n) smiling at me.

“hey (y/n)”

“oh uh hi uh”

“is this your boyfriend”

“well ugh no ugh”

“yes” haz said grabbing my hands and smiling protectively at him. I caught Haz’s gaze and he smiled and widened his eyes at me.

“yeah well newly together” I said smiling and going along with Haz’s plan

“well, I will um see you around” and then my ex was gone and back at his table.

“oh my god” Haz mouthed

After some light conversation and ordering tons of food Haz looked at me uncomfortably.

“what?” I asked

“he is looking at us again”

“shit”

“who’s the girl?”

I turned around to see my ex best friend (y/e/b/n) with her head rested on his shoulder. She then kissed him and looked spitefully over at me. I turned back around and Haz had leaned really close to my face.

“what are y-“ I muttered, I could feel his breath on my face.

“trust me” he whispered back, and then Haz’s lips were interlocked with mine. My heart raced and the noise of the restaurant became faint.

I leant away and smiled. “did it work?” I blushed

“oh yeah” Haz said smugly trying to look over “she looks highly pissed off”. Haz looked back and me and we both started laughing. The waitress set down our food and we indulged in conversation. Words and conversations flowed so easily with Haz. They weren’t interrupted by fans, paparazzi or important phone calls. My face ached from smiling so much. 

“so then I fell over” I was in the middle of telling a story when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I whipped my head around to see a little girl gripping a huge phone and smiling innocently at me.

“are you Tom Holland’s girlfriend?”

“yeah uh I am” I replied awkwardly 

“can I get a selfie?” The girl pleaded

“yeah uh sure” I replied, I had never been asked for a photo before but I grabbed the girls phone and took a smiley selfie with her.

“thank you” she grinned and then skipped away to her mum and a near table. Her mum nodded and smiled at me approvingly. I turned back to my conversation with Haz and he gave me a look of shock.

“you have fans” He laughed

“hardly” I chuckled. 

The waitress took our plates and Haz insisted on paying.

“NO! I insist” he bellowed, so loudly I felt all the gazes of other people on us

“nope” I urged him setting down my credit card and passing it to the waitress. Haz sighed and proceeded to tell me that just because Tom’s credit card is connected to mine doesn’t mean I should pay.

We walked out of the restaurant into a douse of rain. I pulled my hood up and Haz gripped my hand. We ran through the rain but suddenly I started hearing clicks. The clicks became much louder until I realised they were a camera. I stopped running jarring Haz to a stop swell, I looked around and spotted a huge crowd of paparazzi across the road.

“shit” Haz muttered.

“can we get around them?”

“the apartment is down that street though” Haz said in a panic. 

“let’s run”

I gripped Haz’s clammy hand harder than before as we ran through the rain and straight into the storm of flashes and clicks. 

“(y/n) who’s your friend” one shouted

“(y/n)!” was repeated and ingrained in my brain as if I didn’t know my own name already. I just stayed looking down and tried to refrain from making any contact with the cameras. I pulled my hood as much over my face as possible. I could feel Haz trying to push through the crowd, everything was in slow motion and the crowd felt like the parting of a dark sea. 

“excuse me” I heard Haz shout repeatedly. Then it hit me, these photos of me and Haz would be everywhere by the end of the night.

“(y/n)?” I heard Haz mutter, I seeped out of my thought and pushed my hood back.

“these pictures are gonna be everywhere!” I said in a panic, my breathing became rushed and unsteady.

“don’t stress” Haz pleaded holding my shoulders 

“but Tom is gonna see them!” I said tears brimming in my eyes

“we were just holding hands it’s gonna be okay” Haz said pulling me into a hug, I cried into his t-shirt. He smelt like everything good combined, earth, flowers, bonfire and fresh cotton. Then clicks rattled in my ears from behind us.

“hey asshole” Haz shouted, his arms left my back and my body sighed. Haz started waving his arms in the air and the few cameras left. I grabbed him and we ran all the way back to the apartment. 

“that was eventful” Haz said slumping down on the sofa, I grabbed my phone from under the pillow on the sofa and started scrolling through my Instagram feed. Then that was when it all changed, a photo from through the Chinese restaurant window had been taken. Haz and I were kissing, it was so clear and obvious. My heart dropped and then a text from Tom came through, that was what made the guilt take over.

[earwaxinggibbous]

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2018

As I geared up to make the list of hits for 2018, I was prepared for difficulty, and I wasn’t wrong. Hence why there are a few little cheats here and there. Really anything that even had the potential to be a hit got on this list because the Hot 100 was fucking barren and I figure I’d rather give some exposure to some good artists that didn’t get what they deserved.

I do discuss alcohol/drug use briefly in my number 9 + 6 and abuse in my number 4. Let’s get this shit on the road.

10. Mine - Bazzi

This song is dumb. And I love it.

Mine by Bazzi, who no doubt will not show up on the charts next year, is a song that all of you know even if you think you don’t, because it’s the one with the memes.

You so! Fuckin! Precious! When you! Smiiiiile!

Yeah, it’s that one.

There’s not much to say about this one. It’s a quick and easy listen at only a little over 2 minutes. Bazzi has a nice enough voice, and the production manages to stand on its own. Honestly the reason it’s here is because the lyrics are adorable.

It feels very teenage, but not in the obnoxious way that Lucid Dreams is. It’s just very innocent despite the second line being about hitting it from the back. It’s a kind of innocence I can enjoy mostly unironically.

Like, whatever man. Just enjoy life.

9. Betrayed - Lil Xan

So I wasn’t actually sure when this song charted. I believe it was either late 2017 or early 2018, possibly with some crossover, but I’m counting it because I love this song so much.

Betrayed actually shares a lot of similarities with Juice WRLD’s Lucid Dreams. They were both towards the bottom on each respective list, they both have videos made by Cole Bennet, and they both have a sneaky anti-drug message.

Ironic considering his name is Lil Xan. Also I lied it’s not very sneaky at all. Which is good, if you’re gonna be anti-drug then just fucking do it. The beat is chill, the bars are chill, it’s all super chill. That’s probably in part due to the fact that Lil Xan has a super calming voice. This is weed music. Like Car Seat Headrest. And good weed music can be enjoyed when you’re sober, which Betrayed can be because it just sounds nice.

A good chunk of Betrayed is about the pitfalls of the rap game, and how suddenly everyone turns on you and wants your money, which is kind of neurotic but not entirely inaccurate.

This was actually the plot of a Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake song called Holy Grail from a few years back. And I hate to say it but this song does it way better, because it’s not trying to make fame out to be some horrible demon priestess who’s sucking your soul out of your ass, but rather, more of a lifestyle with very different complications.

Which is what it is.

So Jay-Z got outdone by a 12-year-old with face tats named Lil Xan, and if I heard about that my ego would be deeply, deeply bruised.

The only reason it isn’t higher is because, uh.

Oof, Lil Xan. Come on now.

8. King’s Dead - Jay Rock ft. Kendrick Lamar, Future and James Blake

So a lot of people actually didn’t like this song. Which... I kind of get.

Also apparently this was on the Black Panther soundtrack. I never saw that movie, but a lot of the lyrics on this, at least according to lyric genius, relate to that movie. Which I guess is why I have no clue what it’s about other than the average rap music cliches. The only thing I knew about King’s Dead for god knows how long was this gif of Kendrick eating corn in a palm tree.

I feel like the best argument against this song (other than Future’s high-pitched sampling of Slob On My Knob that made me lose my shit) is that there’s nothing really special about it. I mean yeah, Kendrick has a voice that’s smooth like butter, but King’s Dead has a generic beat and bars that just don’t stand out.

But I don’t know. I just love it.

This is just a nice fun song to chill out to. I can put it on, throw myself into bed, and let the cares of the day shloff off of my body as Kendrick whispers to me in the language of the ancient ones. This is nowhere near his best work, not even remotely close to it. All it is is nice and small and easy to listen to without being completely boring.

Maybe I also just like it because it’s been forever since a rap song really sounded like one. This is partially the fault of Future, who is on this song, and doing the same shit he usually does, but at least the rest of the song sounds like words. It feels like it’s been a whole decade since rap music wasn’t just an autotuned jumble, and while I’m easier on mumble-rap than most, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss good old fashioned regular rap.

Regardless of whether it’s blind nostalgia or some level of actual quality, I enjoy King’s Dead for what it is. It may just be a rock and not a diamond, but it’s my rock and I love it.

7. In My Blood - Shawn Mendes

So like, what the fuck happened with Shawn Mendes? He just kind of got really good all of a sudden. Like when every genre, every artist, every newcomer and every single is shitting the bed, it’s Shawn Mendes of all people to bring it home. That’s like if Charlie Puth turned out to be the savior of music. It’s like if Chingy developed into a rap legend. And this song, In My Blood, is about something we all wanna do! Giving up.

Okay, so that’s not exactly what it’s about. It’s about the feeling of wanting to give up, but refusing to, in a very chronological way. With the verses representing the low points and the chorus representing the swell of energy that forces one to get back on their feet. It’s an incredibly well put-together song where Shawn’s voice is actually put to good use instead of him gargling pus like he did on Treat You Better. I’d be lying if I said he didn’t emote wonderfully on this.

I haven’t heard any of the other singles he’s released around this song, but I’m definitely interested in doing so because In My Blood is an experience, kind of in the same way that like, a really good Panic! at the Disco song is. It just punches you repeatedly. You ever been punched by a song? It feels great. I wish more songs would punch me.

In a lot of ways In My Blood is also nostalgic for me, since it brings me back to an era where I actually got excited about pop music because it was important to me some-fucking-how. And I don’t mean like, I was interested in pop like I am right now. When I was littler my parents basically raised me on old alternative music and jazz, and while I definitely enjoyed it I had literally no idea what other kids at school listened to. The first pop song I remember hearing was Pokerface by Lady GaGa, I was on the school bus, and it sounded like nothing I’d ever heard before. Over time my sister began playing the radio so that her friends at her new school would stop goofing on her for not knowing any pop artists, and hearing all this new music was kind of an experience. Of course after awhile we both moved into individualized tastes and neither of us really listen to the radio unless it’s during the holidays, but hearing In My Blood somehow reminds me of a time when being a hit actually meant something.

It’s a song where you put it on and it just owns the room despite its minimalism, and with tons of easy listening alt-crap hitting the stations nowadays, it’s nice, albeit surreal, to know that Shawn Mendes is the one who gives a shit.

6. Genius - LSD

In case you didn’t know, LSD is the combined efforts of rapper Labrinth, singer Sia and producer Diplo. I hadn’t actually heard of this group until pretty recently, and I wish I had because if you know me, you know about my wretched obsession with Sia. Maybe I’m too forgiving, but I can’t remember a single bad track she’s put out. And Genius is no exception.

Lyrically this song’s a bit lacking, despite the title. But soundwise it sticks like gum, with a layered production. I always say that they should have Sia work with one of these sing-rappers, so having it finally happen is proof that god might be listening to me.

It’s like bubblegum for your brain, it’s sweet, it tastes good, it’s fun and it sticks. Even after only one listen I couldn’t get the tune out of my head. And god knows I just want the charts to be fun for once. No, I don’t think this song charted, which is an absolute shame. LSD should absolutely have the star power to hit the top 100, but I guess this just wasn’t a good year for them.

Regardless, I have heard that LSD plans to do a full project, and after listening to the rest of their short album I am more than excited. The only reason this isn’t higher up is that, judging by the group name I was expecting it to be way more of an acid trip soundwise. It’s definitely hard to compare LSD’s Genius to any other type of pop in recent years, but I feel like that’s moreso because Diplo and company have taken all sorts of elements from all sorts of pop music and sneakily fused them together.

Regardless, Genius is a highly enjoyable listen. Sia’s at top performance as per usual, Labrinth sounds really nice beside her and Diplo’s production is solid. Also I seriously recommend the music video. It’s super weird. I wish animated music videos were more common with pop, to be honest.

5. Better Now - Post Malone

I almost feel like I’ve sinned putting a Post Malone song above a Kendrick Lamar song, but god do I love Better Now.

The Post Malone conversation is still very much underway, with a lot of people saying they hated Psycho because it was boring (which I can get even though I don’t agree) and that they hated Jackie Chan because it was just really really stupid. But, much like Candy Paint, I have yet to hear anyone say they dislike Better Now. And I do honestly believe that he hit it out of the park on this one.

This one’s sort of the reverse of Genius. It has pretty basic trap production, but really nice lyrics. Possibly building on the story from I Fall Apart, though with a slightly more mature outlook, Post talks about an ex-girlfriend who he misses, trying to drown his feelings in alcohol, drugs and expensive stuff in the wake of the relationship.

A total bummer, but Post sells it pretty well.

Like damn. That’s a detail right there.

I mean, I could argue that nobody has a specific drawer for socks they don’t like, but who cares really.

Anyway, unlike I Fall Apart, which was a turn-off for a lot of people because it felt spiteful and juvenile, Better Now doesn’t really place the blame on Post or his ex, which is a much more realistic scenario. Because really, his ex isn’t at fault for no longer being in love with him, but Post isn’t at fault for pining. He’s only human. Judging by the lyrics, the story is that Post was dumped for being a druggie in this song.

Though Lyric Genius also argues this is a reference to the death of Lil Peep, who was close personal friends with Post Malone in real life. If this song is somehow in a weird roundabout way an ode to Lil Peep, honestly it does feel like it’s a good send-up to him from another rapper. Like yeah, a love song might seem weird as a tribute to a dead friend, but it definitely does feel like a mournful, sad song about longing for a close person who’s gone for the long run.

Whether this is a tribute to Lil Peep or just a breakup song, it definitely carries the weight of the emotions, partly since Post just generally sounds sad all the time. And in a year full of pissy break-up songs, this is the one that hits home more than any other for me. If Post is going off of past experience, it shows, and if he isn’t he’s just a really good actor I guess.

4. Freaky Friday - Lil Dicky ft. Chris Brown

This song is the bane of my fucking existence.

Why do I laugh at this? Why do I laugh at jokes about Lil Dicky having a small penis still? Why am I losing my shit at the idea that a white guy in a black guy’s body would immediately wonder if he can say the n-word? Why am I, a grown man with presumably mature tastes, going ‘hee hee hoo hoo’ over the phrase “I’m DJ Khaled! Why am I yelling?” And why the fuck, in the year 2018, am I actively enjoying a Chris Brown song?

Lil Dicky I have a soft spot for. We’re both Jews, we’re both stupid, we both look dead inside in every photograph taken of us. We’re basically like long lost twin brothers. Plus I do think he’s a skilled rapper, with his greatest track easily being Professional Rapper featuring Snoop Dogg, and if it had been my choice, that song would’ve been his first big hit. But no, it had to be Freaky Friday. A song that, for all accounts and purposes, is about as funny as an early Your Favorite Martian song, and yet still makes me roll into a screaming fit laughing my ass off.

I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I’m over the Chris Brown drama just because there’s plenty of worse artists charting right now. Forgetting it would be an offense to everyone involved. Do I think he’s probably matured since? Maybe. But that doesn’t excuse or explain away what he did. But for me to pretend I don’t enjoy this song would be disingenuous, and it breaks my heart to actually enjoy a Chris Brown song. In 20-fucking-18.

Everyone hates this song. And they’re valid, honestly. I just like the chorus, maybe? I don’t know. It’s hardly Lil Dicky’s best work, but fuck me. Of course I had to be the one suffering with the curse of enjoying Lil Dicky’s Freaky Friday to the point that I put it above a ton of songs that are probably objectively better, all because I laugh at dick jokes and love a catchy chorus.

But I will give it credit, this is the first popular comedy song in a long time I’ve been able to get down to. Selfie and What Does The Fox Say made me wanna scoop my eyes out with a melon baller, but of course the fucking Chris Brown comedy song makes me shriek in body-wracking laughter as if I’ve never heard a joke before.

It’s been at LEAST a year since I felt this shitty for enjoying a song, but that’s life I guess. Just enjoying bad music by bad people for bad reasons.

3. High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco

How is it that we’re having a Panic! at the Disco hit in 2018? Whatever, I’m not mad.

I mean, come on. A swelling Brendon Urie anthem about finally being able to achieve your dreams and shit? That’s really all I need on a bad day, isn’t it. Thanks 2018.

I don’t even remember if this song has good production or not. It’s really loud. Everything is loud. Do you think I care if it sounds good? I mean, Brendon sounds good, but like. Biz Markie’s Just A Friend fills me with emotion and it sounds like it’s being sung by a donkey. My standards are not high. Maybe I’d need higher standards to not like this song.

Frankly, I don’t care if the production is bad. Because this song is just good mood music, and I like that it’s loud. I want Brendon to scream in my ear about having high hopes. Do you think I care how it sounds?

No but really. It’s a perfectly well-built song, Brendon performs well on it. Bless this shit though. If there’s anything that represents hope in my mind, it’s Brendon Urie skittering up the side of a building while singing about having high hopes and his mama and whatever whatever. In a year full of dour break-up songs and people dying and abusers getting famous, all you can really have is high hopes. And that’s all there is to it.

2. Neva Lavd Yah! - Dusty Ray Bottoms

Can we all agree RuPaul’s Drag Race is kind of a hack show at this point? I mean, Season 10 was a disaster and so far AS4 has been a disaster too. I’m not even sure why I still watch it at this point.

Anyway, this is kind of a cheat. Neva Lavd Yah! charted on Billboard LGBT, and actually charted pretty high. Not the actual Hot 100, but do you think I care anymore?

So we’re all mad that rock music is dead, and that the only remnants we have of it is Imagine Dragons and other similar garbage. But don’t fret (unless it’s on a guitar) because Dusty Ray Bottoms, queen of my heart, is here to solve that problem. Full electric guitar and drums. No autotune. Just pure Dusty Ray on the track here to kick ass.

I guess Neva Lavd Yah! is a generic “fuck the haters” anthem, but for once I actually believe it. Maybe it’s because it’s being sung by a 50-foot-tall gay man with dots all over his face. Maybe it’s just because, with every drag queen doing techno music, Dusty Ray has done something completely different. God knows I was sick of every drag queen doing overproduced electronica about nothing at all.

Neva Lavd Yah! isn’t polished or clean. It’s screaming and loud and full of passion. Sometimes you’re just a 50-foot gay who wants to yell, sometimes you’re a 5-foot gay who wants to yell. Maybe you don’t feel like yelling right now, but you’ve probably been in that mood before. Neva Lavd Yah! is for when you wanna chill in a garage with an electric guitar and write songs and then scream with your shitty garage band and it’s the 90′s and you’re gay.

Damn right.

And before we move forward,

let’s hit those honorable mentions.

I Like It - Cardi B ft. Bad Bunny and J Balvin

This song really did almost get on the list, and I mean it was like a baby dick’s length away. I almost feel bad that I let Mine on instead. Cardi I am so sorry.

Nice For What - Drake

This was the only good song Drake released this year, and while Drake talking about “strong women” on the same album as I’m Upset seems like bullshit, I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t at least kind of a banger.

Now or Never - Blair St. Clair

This was the only other big drag queen hit I remember this year. It was released in the wake of Blair St. Clair coming out about a sexual assault, and while I do think it’s an empowering song, I don’t like the way it sounds that much.

Pray For Me - The Weeknd ft. Kendrick Lamar

How I liked King’s Dead more than this I can’t even explain to you. The beat on Pray For Me rocks my tight ass though. Plus let’s be honest, The Weeknd and Kendrick are a fucking dream team.

I Love It - Kanye West ft. Lil Pump

I can’t hate this. Fucking look at it. They’re in roblox costumes!

Famous Prophets (Stars) - Car Seat Headrest

Not a hit, which is the only thing that kept it off of here. Consider Song of the Summer by Remo Drive, Humanity by Gorillaz and When You Die by MGMT also in this spot.

On to number one, and if you know me you probably know it already.

1. Kamikaze - Eminem

Listen. I don’t care if this didn’t chart. I don’t care if it didn’t get close. I don’t give two fifths of a fuck if Eminem isn’t as good as he used to be. I don’t give a single rat’s ass.

Because I fucking love Kamikaze.

(The song.)

The album was fine, I wasn’t huge on the whole “call out everyone” angle it took. Sure sometimes it landed, but other times, like with the Tyler the Creator diss, it was completely pointless and kind of petty.

But the title song? It bangs.

The lyrics are good, obviously, it’s an Eminem song and he hasn’t been struggling with lyrics since... Revival I guess. The production on Kamikaze is interesting, the chorus is catchy. I just love it. It puts me in a good mood for reasons I cannot explain using words of the English language.

Maybe I just love Eminem too much. But in a year of stolid depression like 2018, all I wanted was for my favorite rapper Eminem to say “fuck” and yell a lot and just be kind of motivational in his weird way. And he did it. And I understand if people don’t enjoy Kamikaze (the song or the album) but I just can’t not love it, it makes me so excited every time I hear that intro. I feel like a child almost.

I saw Eminem live for the first time this year at Governor’s Ball. It was an experience. My feet were killing me because to get good spots, my sister and I had to sit through Chvrches. (Didn’t like them very much.) It was loud and crowded. It started raining, I was cold as shit and tired and this enormous drunk guy in a wifebeater nearly elbowed my head clean off of my shoulders just due to a lack of spacial awareness. And I didn’t even give a shit until it was over.

The music ended, and I realized I was freezing my ass off. And that’s what good music does to a guy I guess. And being able to download a new, really good Eminem song was like capturing that moment in a bottle. A bottle of white boy spite, but a good bottle nonetheless.

Of course I’m biased. God knows if this song is actually better than something like In My Blood or Genius, but I love this song too much to put it any lower than number one.

Whenever I need motivation or I’m just really pissed, this song is here for me to listen to, so I can lose my shit by the side of a man who I’ve literally begun referring to as my dad at this point. And that’s just what I want. A song that I can feel next to. A song that can feel with me. And as good as some of these other songs are, I don’t feel with them like I do with Kamikaze.

See you next year, I guess.

[hallelujuh]

shay’s favorite albums of 2017

didn’t commit to finishing this until the literal very end of 2018 but whatever fdjhfkjdsnfds

I’m not sure if it was my newfound willingness to explore new genres and artists, but I thought 2017 was a fantastic year for music. Plenty old favorites of mine released new albums this year, and I was lucky enough to discover a lot of music, both from new musicians and old. Here’s my top twenty albums of this year.

20. Divide by Ed Sheeran

19. Fin by Syd

18. Blossom by Milky Chance

17. I See You by the xx

16. Trip by Jhene Aiko

15. Good for You by Amine

14. Future Friends by Superfruit

13. Sacred Hearts Club by Foster the People

12. American Teen by Khalid

11. All We Know of Heaven, All We Need of Hell by Pvris

10. From the Outside by Hey Violet - While I originally only cared about this band because it’s composed of mostly girls, which is rare, I’ve grown to really love them as musicians. They’re very creative, producing catchy pop tracks that aren’t like most pop songs, and their debut album is fun as hell. Each song makes the listener feel badass and sexy and young, and you just kinda wanna dance and enjoy life. Favorite track: Tie between Like Lovers Do and Unholy. The former is distinctive and unique, and reminds me of Emilie Autumn, and the latter is incredibly well-produced and pretty visceral for a pop track by such a young band. 

9. After Laughter by Paramore - Continuing their previous album’s sound so that every song sounds like Ain’t It Fun, After Laughter has a gorgeous aesthetic, a memorable sound, and, notably, follows the trend of most emo artists of today - disguising sad lyrics beneath happy music, as made famous by Twenty One Pilots. Each song is catchy, allow the lyrics all leave you feeling a bit empty, but you’ll be dancing to misery. Favorite track: 26. I’m always a sucker for the one mellow song on an album full of bops, and that rang true once more. 26 is about reflecting back on how you’ve spent your youth, and it’s paired with a bittersweet simplistic guitar. Hayley’s vocals hold pain, but also gratitude.

8. Hopeless Fountain Kingdom by Halsey - I’ve been a huge Halsey fan since before Badlands even came out, when all we had was Room 93 and live versions of then-unreleased tracks. Though her evolving sound was criticized by some, I appreciated that HFK follows the formula so many other sophomore records follow, with the lyrics addressing new-found fame and how the artist is dealing with it, and also how they want their sound to be since they’ve already made it big. This record was clearly more hip-hop driven, with production that sounded heavily influenced by Kanye, but it felt fitting. Furthermore, HFK is the redemption arc to Badland’s heartbreak-themes. It’s really a triumphant album overall. Favorite track: Sorry. While 100 Letters is my most-played track and therefore a close second, because the simplistic beat allows Ashley’s lyrics to shine, and she’s a lyricist and a poet before she’s a singer - I believe Sorry is the quintessential song from this record. Her pain is so tangible in this stripped-down ballad, and it’s such a nice switch from her usual lust-driven upbeat songs. I always have respect for musicians who can bear their sleeve in such an open, honest way, and while Ashley’s always been vocal about her struggles, it’s still nice to hear such a heartfelt track come about even after all her success.

7. Dua Lipa by Dua Lipa - This young pop singer's self-titled debut is a catchy, passionate, and solid record that's earned her a well-deserved place on the charts and in people's playlists. The songs are rather cliched, recycled themes that I've heard from dozens of other young female artists, but there's some emotionally-charged pop ballads that show potential. Dua's vocals remind me of a raspier Ariana Grande mixed with a less-powerful Christina Aguilera. Seeing as those two aforementioned singers can over-do their performances a bit, I enjoyed this mellower newcomer. Don't get me wrong, Dua's unique in her own way, and she's hardly a copycat; but I'm worried her talent will overlooked because there's already others like her. Still, it was a solid album that I enjoy thoroughly, and I had multiple tracks from it on repeat.

6. Beautiful Trauma by P!nk - I've been a P!nk fan since I was very young, and this album was wonderfully nostalgic to me. P!nk's one of the few artists who's never been swayed by a need to stay relevant; she just makes the music she wants to make, and her fans love her for it. This record was, at times, a little generic beat-wise, but still distinctly P!nk. As always, she wore her heart on her sleeve and you can feel how personal every song is; how genuine every word is. It really pays off. Favorite track: Barbies - This is a song I think every girl over thirteen can relate to. I'm twenty years younger than P!nk, but this track really resonated with me. It was the only song on this record I listened to repeatedly. I think every girl wants to grow up as quickly as possible, but once you reach adulthood, you just want to be a kid again. You long for simpler times. The beautiful message of the song (enjoy your youth) is paired beautifully with gorgeous instruments (violin! cello! wow!), which adds a timelessness to the track.

5. One More Light by Linkin Park - Although most, myself included, were unhappy with the pop-driven sound of LP’s seventh effort, the death of Chester added a lot to how meaningful this album is. Listening to it now fills me with a hopeful nostalgia, in contrast with how I listened to it in the days following his passing. What once sounded like a cry for help that no one listened to, now sounds like a triumphant farewell. As usual, these guys put their hearts into the making of this record, and it’s a real bummer that it took Chester killing himself to make people appreciate that. LP is a master at their craft, regardless of what genre they’re feeling at the moment. It’s a solid album, full of truly heartfelt lyrics and Chester’s beautiful voice, and I’ve often found myself listening to it when I’m feeling down. It really helps. And that’s what LP’s music has always been about, I think. Being there for you when you feel like no one else is. This album still felt like that, even though it was through a different genre. They let go of the anger that fueled their signature sound in the beginning, in exchange for a more rounded, reflective take on things. I think that’s comforting, and beautiful, in a way no one seemed to understand. What’s better than someone making peace with the world? Alternatively, what’s worse than someone taking their own life because people didn’t want to see them get better? Favorite track: Talking to Myself. I watched this video the day it was released - hours before Chester’s passing was announced. I enjoyed the bass and the video made me smile. After I found out, and after a few hours of crying, I rewatched this video, and it meant so much more the second time. The song itself is a favorite because it’s such a fun track. The bass line is catchy as hell, and my favorite part of the song is the chorus following the bridge, where Chester does a powerful run and then briefly lapses into Meteora-style vocals (”you keep running like the sky is falling”). That bit is so profoundly incredible to listen to for me, and I’m glad he left us with it.

4. Revival by Eminem - I’m one of the biggest Eminem stans of all time, so I’d probably buy a record that consisted entirely of Marshall shitting - but in all actuality, though he could never disappoint me, I was prepared for the worst, and I was pleasantly surprised. This album felt more solid than MMLP2′s experimental sounds, with Em showing us he really hasn’t fallen off. His usage of words like “lit” and “shook” are admittedly a little cringey, and his take at a more modern sound on Believe (with a trap beat and a Migos-like flow) is questionable, but the lyrics show he’s just as on top of his game than ever. It’s not an instant-classic like MMLP - those days are probably over - but it’s a decent record with several damn good songs. (Edit, 12/2018: Bro I wrote this last year, what the fuck was I on dgfkjdgh.) Favorite track: In Your Head. While the most memorable tracks on this record are definitely the collaborations - my favorites being River with Ed Sheeran and Need Me with P!nk - this rather short track really stood out. I listened to the album for the first time on my CD player, without having looked at the track listing since it was released a few weeks back, so every song was a surprise, and when I heard O'Riordan’s vocals, I got very excited, since Zombie is one of my favorite songs of all time. Though the original song is about war, Em raps over the sample track’s bass line and signature guitar riff and speaks about the skeletons in his closet with a passion reminiscent of The Eminem Show and a flow taken from his Recovery days. The smooth transition to Castle is another nice touch. While his speed in the last thirty seconds of Offended is impressive (with Flight of the Bumblebee in the background! Ha!), this was the song that sold me on this album. It’s everything I love about Eminem. (Note: This was written before O’Riordan’s passing. RIP.)

3. Scum Fuck / Flower Boy by Tyler, the Creator - From the goofy poster boy of a generation of carefree and colorfully dressed punks, to an extremely talented and capable producer and musician, watching Tyler’s growth as an artist and a human has been extremely rewarding, especially as a longtime Tyler/OF fan. While Cherry Bomb failed to impress me in the midst of my emo-craze, I appreciated that it was a turning point in Tyler’s career. SFFB, however, successfully took me right out of my indie-craze. Flower Boy builds upon what Tyler tried to do on CB, and it works out much better. Watching his brilliant NPR Tiny Desk Concert only solidified this belief. Tyler’s a musical genius, and I hope more people come to realize it. Favorite track: 911/Mr. Lonely. The whole record is full of earworms - Glitter, Boredom, See You Again - and it’s truly a feat Tyler was able to pull that off. But I have to go with this single - both songs are catchy, the production is masterful, Frank Ocean and Steve Lacy’s voices are beautiful. Who Dat Boy didn’t particularly excite me upon first listen, but these two tracks did, because they reminded me how talented and incredible Tyler is.

2. DAMN. by Kendrick Lamar - My favorite thing about musicians is getting to watch them mature, both musically and personally. I’ve frequently compared DAMN to J. Cole’s 4 Your Eyez Only, as both records feature Jermaine and Kendrick discussing much more mature concepts within their albums. Kendrick’s always been grounded because of his upbringing, whereas Cole was a little more blinded by fame for the first few albums. However, since their respective last albums, Kendrick has gotten engaged, and Cole got married and had a little girl (EDIT: Apparently he had a boy!), and you can hear how these lifestyle changes have influenced their lyrical content, which is really nice to behold. Kendrick’s always seemed like a very intelligent person, with an understanding of the world many in his field lack, and this album highlights that beautifully.  Favorite track: Humble. While Love’s a personal favorite, Humble’s success reminded me of Control. I still remember the day that dropped - and Humble felt similar, as it was Kendrick reminding us that he’s simply on another level. The simplistic and almost grating beat excellently parodies every single rap song that’s on the radio these days, except Kendrick proves his superiority by showing us that the beat’s not the important part; the lyrics are. It’s genius, and I’ll never get over how iconic it is, honestly.

1. Saturation I, II, & III by Brockhampton - Because this remarkably talented new group released three new records this year, and I can’t pick a favorite, nor can or do I want to rate them separately, they easily earn this spot. With flawless and innovative production, refreshingly creative and intricate lyrics, remarkable versatility, and, best of all, a youthful individuality reminiscent of Odd Future circa 2011, Brockhampton is one of the best things 2017 has offered. I’ve grown attached to these kids, and I’m glad I’ll be able to see where they go and how big they get. Favorite track: Star. While Junky is the most impressive track, and Follow is my personal favorite, Star earns this spot because it’s the song that single-handedly got me into Brockhampton. The name-dropping bop is a good introduction to the band, as it features their signature memorably synth-infused beats, Ameer’s clever wordplay, Ian’s favorite thing to talk about (his sexuality) as well as his penchant for hooks and bridges, Merlyn’s loud and brash vocals, etc. I won’t be compiling a list of my favorite songs of this year, but if I did, this would easily make the top ten. It reminded me exactly why I love rap music, in a time when I was beginning to doubt hip hop.

honorable mentions

CTRL by SZA - Though I’d never heard of SZA aside from her feature on Consideration, this album was hyped immensely by Twitter, so I felt I had to check it out. Unfortunately I was disappointed. Although the album’s masterfully done, and I love the production and her voice, the lyrical content ruined it for me. Of course, this is personal preference, and she’s allowed to write songs about whatever the hell she wants to, but the nature of the lyrics were what kept me from being a fan. To each their own, I guess.

Everybody by Logic - I wasn’t a big Logic fan prior to 1-800. Funny story, actually - I thought he was entirely white, and I’m vehemently against white rappers. He's more like a biracial Kendrick, especially in flow on Hallelujah. The record continues the trend started by Bey’s Lemonade of celebrating black power and beauty, with Logic demonstrating a fresh, biracial perspective on it. Loved that there were actual instrumentals, that was refreshing, considering modern rap beats are often created entirely using synthesizers. Also love that Logic’s cementing himself as the Inclusive Rapper, and accepting that title proudly. Good for him.

I Decided by Big Sean - I’ve been a casual Big Sean fan since Finally Famous (2011), but he’s very rarely impressed me with his lyricism. This album showed that Sean’s matured and grown as a person and a rapper, but the songs didn’t leave enough of an impression on me to be featured on my list.

Lust for Life by Lana Del Rey - Although I’m sure die-hards were more than happy with this record, I didn’t enjoy it as much as I wish I could’ve. Lana’s sound hasn’t changed much, so I don’t think the quality of her music is decreasing, I just think my tastes are changing. This newer stuff hasn’t appealed to me nearly as much as her Born to Die/Paradise stuff did. I think 2012!me would’ve loved this record, but 2017!me was unsatisfied.

Melodrama by Lorde - I can always appreciate growth in an artist, but in Lorde’s case, I couldn’t bring myself to like the change. While there’s traces of the sound that put her on the map, and the music still sounds like teenage rebellion, it just doesn’t invoke the same feelings. It’s less grounded - and not in a good way.

Lovely Little Lonely by The Maine - The pop punk 1D continues to make catchy, solid tunes, but nothing about this record particularly stands out to me. Still, it’s a decent album from an underrated band.

extended plays

they’re too short to be included in my top albums, but i wanted to mention them anyway.

Caught Up by Sarah Close - I found this adorable Brit through her fantastic covers of popular songs, and thankfully I was subscribed when she started posting original music. Caught Up isn’t particularly unique, but the songs are fun, her voice is wonderful, and it’s a solid little EP.

Y.O.U by Dodie - I’ve watched Dodie’s covers for a while, so it’s nice to see she’s making original stuff. Love the style of it. Very excited to see what she puts out next.

dont smile at me by Billy Eilish - The fifteen-year-old, who sounds very similar to the recently-disgraced Melanie Martinez, may talk like an annoying skater boy, but her angelic singing voice keeps pulling me back in. I’m not used to talented celebrities being younger than me. It’s depressing. (EDIT: I spelled Billie wrong jdgdhf she’s in my top 10 artists of this year now too hahh)

Hard by The Neighbourhood - This band has been a favorite for four years now; I even saw them live for my birthday in 2015. They could never disappoint me, but their recent music hasn’t changed much to what long-time fans like myself fell in love with in the days of I Love You, which is nice to see, when so many other artists I used to like are experimenting with their sound in unflattering ways.

[sunyoonandstars]

Hi! I'm also new to the family and I'm already in love with all of them, they're all so amazing , generous and gorgeous, that sometimes I wonder if they're even real ,you know? And I was wondering if there's something I should definitely know about the boys? Or something you think I should know? Thank you for being so sweet and kind to us all, you're the best!!

I can totally understand that you already have them in your heart! 💜 I was lost the very second I started researching interviews. They’re all just so genuine and amazing in their own ways. 

What you should definitely know about the boys … In general? They’re incredibly hard-working and dedicated to their work and fandom. They love us, their fans, and miss no chance to let us know how grateful they are for our continuing support. They started out pretty young, especially Jungkook, and have been living together since their trainee days (over 7 years ago). They also repeatedly stated – a fact that seems especially important to Yoongi – that they don’t plan on changing that anytime soon, even though by now they are surely old and ‘rich’ enough to be living by themselves. They consider each other family, they deeply care about, rely upon and are always there for each other. There is so, so, so much more, what I’m sure you’ll find out through watching interviews or videos like Run BTS!, Bts Gayo, Bangtan Bomb … 

And what I personally think you should know about each of the members for starters:

1. Kim Seokjin / Jin 

the ‘mother’ of BTS 

mentioned that he doesn’t like being misgendered, so it’s not intended as a nickname but merely as a description of the role he occupies within the group (he protectively cares for the members in an almost mother-like way [e.g. loves to cook for them] especially, the younger ones, and never misses out on a chance to jokingly lament over the fact that he virtually ‘raised Jungkook on his back’) 

DO NOT call him eomma/mom or ‘princess Jin’, as some fans used to because he does not feel comfortable about it! 

is mostly responsible for/adamant about keeping the dorm clean (or at least that was the case in their first dorm, back when they used to share a room and sleep in bunk beds. Now they have staff who regularly cleans their new, more luxurious apartment, I believe. Or at least I think Yoongi mentioned something similar in a radio interview/podcast once.) 

king of nagging 

DAD JOKES 

he has a driver’s license 

family: parents + older brother 

Yoongi once called him a “family man” and an “ideal husband” in an interview 

Jin once stated that he would want his firstborn to be a girl and the second child to be a boy so his son would have a noona (older sister) that would treat him kindly and that the boy could look up to since he was often being teased by his hyung (older brother) 

last year his parents gifted him the most adorable pet sugar gliders 

WORLDWIDE HANDSOME

BROAD SHOULDERS (especially for Korean standards apparently)

considers his face (jokingly?) his greatest asset 

but underneath it all he is still very insecure (I believe)

likes hearing others call him cute or handsome 

loves doing aegyo 

actually needs (rather strong) glasses but doesn’t like wearing them because he can’t feel confident when doing so 

recently seems to ponder beginning his a career as a hairstylist??? 😳

should stay away from scissors in the future … 

has the most genuine, beautiful, infectious, hilarious windshield laugh 

often laughs until he literally tears up 

because he freaking loves to laugh

and even more to make others laugh 

does not mind making a fool of himself in doing so 

was literally cast off the street 

a member of the staff spotted him walking by and reportedly started running after him because he was so handsome even back then

graduated from college (majored in acting) 

alongside RM (Namjoon), he is considered the worst dancer of BTS

yet he is among the hardest-working members because he previously didn't have any kind of background/experience in either dancing or singing (was cast as a ‘visual’) 

and because of that he is very hard on himself 

has improved a lot since debut 

but is not being given enough credit, appreciation, and lines

he loves cooking and food and eating

EAT JIN 🍜

and once was put on a heartbreaking diet (like all idols at some point, probably, but still, it must’ve been incredibly hard on him) and was repeatedly told by his managers he was fat/chubby 😤 (WHERE? I demand to know…) 

SIGNATURE: enthusiastically blowing kisses upon kisses upon kisses + HEART EVENTS 

because he is simply the sweetest angel there is

2. Min Yoongi / Suga

the grumpy grandpa of BTS 

but also more of a ‘father’ 

because he is practically the dorm’s handyman (usually responsible for changing light bulbs and stuff)   

good at working with his hands and fixing things (which RM previously broke …) 

MOTIONLESS MIN (because on his [rare] days off he likes to do literally nothing)

strives to be stone in his next lifetime 

likes to sleep (A LOT) and is always tired

can literally sleep anywhere 

probably because he likes to work/is especially creative at night (once said most his songs are produced between midnight and 6:00am) 

insanely talented lyricist/rapper/producer 

actually did not audition to become an idol but to become a producer at Big Hit and work behind the scenes 

AGUST D ❗️

claims he got his stage/nickname ‘Suga’ because of his pale complexion and his sweet smile (’wanted to promote sweetly’) 

despite his ‘bad boy’ image/attitude (especially on-stage) 

his hometown is Daegu (which is what the ‘D’ in AGUST D stands for) 

his family also consist of parents + older brother 

he moved to Seoul on his own back pre-debut 

starved for a few months so he could keep on producing/working on his music and career while living off of under-payed part-time jobs 

during that time he developed anxiety (suffered several attacks, even in BTS’ earlier days after debut) and depression (which he openly addresses on his AGUST D mixtape. If you haven’t already you should really give it a listen and study the translated lyrics.) 

writes/composes songs every day and can do so everywhere, even in crowded public places 

he relieves stress through writing/composing songs 

doesn’t like going outside and repeatedly stated he ‘doesn’t like people’ (I believe he refers to being around many strangers/in crowded and loud places)

prefers to stay at home 

so his ideal date would also be a comfortable night in 

Yoongi is usually on the quieter side 

but when he speaks up, damn, you can be sure he has something to say 

wise beyond his age 

great common/general knowledge 

very outspoken and straightforward  (’savage Suga’/’savage Yoongi’) 

so it’s his task to openly scold the younger members and call them out on their questionable behavior 

does have his silly/hyped-up moments, though 

and they are priceless

can occasionally actually let loose 

but it happens rather rarely 

always seems to be very observant and contemplative 

GUMMY SMILE 

HIS SHRUG  

MIN GENIUS 

workaholic 

tends to overwork himself and neglect self-care/sleep/his health (forgets to eat/skips a lot of meals) 

his studio is called the ‘Genius Lab’

seems to regularly put himself on a diet?? he seems to be getting skinnier and skinnier, or is it only me, guys?? 

claims he doesn’t give a shit

but he actually does 

cares a lot about the people close to him, simply doesn’t show it so obviously 

does not seem too big on showing it through physical contact, too (once said himself in an interview that he wouldn’t be the kind of boyfriend to hold hands or put his arm around his s/o’s shoulder in public because he isn’t the sweet kind of boyfriend like that) 

takes care of them ‘behind the scenes’/’in secret’ 

beneath the gruff exterior, he’s just a huge softie 

used to play basketball in high school and was quite good at it, too

he is second smallest in the group (a few centimeters taller than our mochi Jimin)

which sometimes leads him to jump in order to get into the frame when they are taking group shots at award shows and such (it’s adorable) 

does not particularly enjoy physical activities and the way they tire him out 

loves meat 

can actually cook quite well but isn’t as vocal about it as Jin 

also takes cooking very seriously (see Run BTS! Ep. 36, for example) 

tends to speak in Satoori dialect when he’s nervous 

doesn’t consider himself handsome/charming 

wants to become even more successful and for his music to reach as many people as possible 

Waaaah ….. These turned out longer than expected. I’ll do the other members, too, later on, sweet anon. And maybe repost this as a real headcanon or something tomorrow. For now I, unfortunately, have to go to sleep because it’s 02:30am here and I have to get up in 4 hours … 😁

I hope this helped/was at least close to what you imagined, anon! Take care and feel free to message me anytime!! 💜

[aaronafgash]

Best Songs Under One Minute: A Top 10 List

A majority of songs released throughout history have followed similar structural patterns: most, in some order, utilize a verse, chorus, bridge, hook, and refrain. To fit all of these sections, songs tend to be around three to six minutes in length, depending on factors such as tempo and repetitions of individual structures. Things start to get interesting, though, when artists start to shrink down songs under the traditional three minute mark. Which sections will be cut out? Will there only be a single verse or hook? How will an artist tell a story or capture an emotion in such a limited amount of time? I became fascinated with these sorts of questions, and it led me to paying more and more attention to the best “short” songs. Here is my top 10 list of songs under one minute.

10. Sometimes (Mix #9) - Erykah Badu (0:44)

R&B music was being redefined in the late ‘90s, with songwriters like D’Angelo and Maxwell leading the pack of new-age soul artists. These artists paid homage to greats who came before them in the genre, but added more current hip-hop elements to spice up their songs; “Sometimes (Mix #9)” perfectly exemplifies that sentiment. The song begins with a light bongo drum pattern and distant background vocals, but soon, the mood changes: a harder hitting drum pattern overtakes the previously heard bongos, and in comes Erykah with a smooth, laid back verse. Badu rides the beat like an MC, with lyrics like “I’ve got the paper stacked, and a pimped out track,” but she does so while singing in her unique tone. It’s hard not to believe that artists like Lauryn Hill and Missy Elliott were influenced by previous Badu songs like this one.

9. Demons - Sampha (0:54)

Before the Drake and Kanye features, before “(No One Knows Me) Like The Piano,” before touring with the xx, Sampha was a lesser-known songwriter from South London. “Demons”, the first track off of his 2013 EP Dual, gave us a taste of what was to come with the artist we know now. The track begins with Sampha leaving a voicemail, quietly stating “I rang you earlier but you didn’t pick up.” Immediately, the track begins, driven by a repetitive, dragging bass drum, and distinctive piano chords. Sampha chimes in, singing “I guess I don’t believe you / And I think you don’t believe, too / So take all these demons and go.” It’s a short ballad that introduces us to Sampha; he may now be a world-renowned artist, but he’s still battling his demons just like the rest of us.

8. Her Majesty - The Beatles (0:23)

Written in jest about Queen Elizabeth II, “Her Majesty” is the Beatles shortest song in their spanning discography, yet in 23 seconds, it captures everything that makes the group so undeniably excellent. The subject matter is, of course, silly; Paul McCartney is singing about loving the Queen as if she’s a normal, everyday woman that he’s trying to court at a bar. But when he sings “I wanna tell her that I love her a lot / But I gotta get a bellyful of wine,” he’s still

able to make what is clearly a joke a relatable topic of conversation -- only the Beatles could make a song like this one

7. Track 14 (Chix) - Jai Paul (0:51)

Jai Paul is a mysterious artist. Since 2011, he has only (officially) released two songs. The lack of material left fans yearning for more music, but in 2013, an unidentified Bandcamp user uploaded what looked like Jai Paul’s 16-track debut album to the site. A day later, Paul tweeted out that what was uploaded was a collection of demos that had been previously stolen from one of his laptops. Regardless of how or why the music got out, it undeniably exists, and it is an outstanding piece of work. On “Track 14”, which fans nicknamed “Chix”, Jai Paul shows off his eclectic sonic pallette; in just 51 seconds, we hear a beautiful stringed orchestra, glittering electronic synthesizers, and poetic lyrics of frustration and devotion: he sings “I don’t know what you mean / I’m always on the scene / Your time and your company / Let me get you home with me.” If Paul’s unreleased demos are of this quality, I can’t imagine what an official studio album would sound like. But even if that project doesn’t see the light of day, at least we have this.

6. Fertilizer - Frank Ocean (0:39)

Acting as an interlude on the critically acclaimed Channel Orange, “Fertilizer” sonically comes off as a fun little pop track, but in one poetic lyric, we quickly discover that Frank is not singing a happy song. When he sings “Fertilizer / I’ll take bullshit if that’s all you’ve got,” he’s attempting to elicit any sort of response from a person who he loves and cares about; even if they aren’t going to tell him what he wants to hear, he’ll take it. In a 2012 Esquire article, Gavin Matthew’s affirms this, stating that “Ocean begs for his love not to treat him like the titular bullshit. But the sorrow in his voice and the painful laugh track tell us he’s not having much luck.” Frank’s unparalleled writing abilities allow for him to pack a surprising amount of meaning into shorter tracks; he may or may not appear later on this list.

5. Parachutes - Coldplay (0:46)

Most people today know Coldplay as one of the biggest bands in the world, with pop hits like “A Sky Full of Stars” and “Something Just Like This”, but at their best, Coldplay gave us well- produced albums of interesting, unique alternative music. Their debut album, Parachutes, balanced bright, upbeat tracks with calmer, acoustic songs to create a near-perfect alternative masterpiece. The project peaks, though, on the title track “Parachutes”: here, Chris Martin, backed by only an acoustic guitar, sings quietly of fidelity and commitment, with lyrics like “ Here I am and I’ll take my time / Here I am and I’ll wait in line, always / Always.” The gentle nature of the song allows listeners to feel like Martin is personally telling them his story, and that quality makes for a captivating track.

4. Intro - Brandy (0:49)

Brandy burst onto the scene in 1994; at 15 years old (!!!), she had just released her self-titled debut Brandy, and soon, the album was receiving critical acclaim. Eventually, Brandy went on to go 4x platinum, allowing Brandy to establish herself as a successful R&B solo artist. While Brandy was an excellent project , the topics of her songs were (understandably) a bit childish considering her age. So when Brandy released her next album, Never Say Never four years later in ‘98, she knew she had to prove that she could be a grown up. Any doubts that critics might have had immediately went out the window when Never Say Never dropped, and “Intro” perfectly set the tone for Brandy’s newfound maturity. The production of the track is tighter and darker, and Brandy sounds like a totally different artist; while she may just be singing “Never say, never say, never say never” repeatedly, her tone is now provocative and seductive. Her experiences with love and life have given her a new outlook on relationships; in an interview around time the album was released, she stated “I’m not the little girl I was when I made my first record.” Brandy grew up, and “Intro” sets the tone perfectly for her transition into adulthood.

3. Commes des Garcons - Frank Ocean (0:53)

On “Commes des Garcons”, a track off of the criminally underrated visual album Endless, Frank Ocean weaves together a complex love story over playful, tropically-infused production. Frank cleverley sings of infidelities (“We was dating on the side / He was seeing double”) and makes witty sexual references related to items you’d find at a local hardware store (“All this drillin’ got this dick feelin’ like a power tool”). To close out the song, he repeats the phrase “Commes des Garcons”, which means “like boys” -- in doing so, Ocean is referencing his coming out letter in which he brings up the first time he fell in love with a man. Just as he did in “Fertilizer”, Frank makes efficient use of his limited time on “Commes des Garcons”, but this time, he’s telling a sophisticated story.

2. Beach is Better - Jay-Z (0:55)

No one expected 44-year-old Jay-Z to include a Mike-Will-Made-It produced trap anthem on his 2013 album Magna Carter Holy Grail, but he did just that with “Beach is Better”. For all the album’s flaws, “Beach is Better” immediately became one of the best Jay-Z songs we’ve heard in the last decade. The beat is slithering and metallic at first, but suddenly, monstrous 808- drums kick in with mesmerizing synth blips that give the production more melody and a plethora of different high-hat patterns to give the beat a sense of chaos. Jay-Z is at his absolute best, rapping about what he loves flaunting the most: his wife, his money, and his dominance in the rap game. Lyrics like “Girl, why you never ready? / For as long as you took you better look like Halle Berry / Or Beyoncé...shit, then we gettin’ married!” exemplify peak Jay-Z boasts. In an interview with MTV, producer Mike-Will was quoted saying “[Jay] was like, ‘Man, let’s do something so effortless,’ and that just stuck with me when he said ‘effortless.’” This idea of effortlessness for both Jay-Z and Mike-Will resulted in a track where they’re both in their comfort zones, and the combination allowed for a perfect rap interlude.

1. Elephant Parade - Jon Brion (0:28)

In composer Jon Brion’s “Elephant Parade” off of the soundtrack to the 2004 film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, there are no sophisticated lyrics to analyze. There are no complicated allegories or connections to make. There is simply a piano and an acoustic guitar, softly playing together for 28 seconds to construct a short song. But those 28 seconds provide some of the purest, most blissful musical moments you could ever capture. Brion’s ability to create so much out of so little is remarkable; “Elephant Parade” is everything you could ask for in a sub-minute song, and it does so using two of the most basic, universally-known instruments known to man. To this day, it strikes a certain emotional chord with me that I have a hard time putting into words. The ability to leave a listener speechless is nearly an impossible task, but “Elephant Parade” manages to do that to me. For that reason, it’s my favorite song under one minute.