#been meaning to make this for months lol i made these caps ages ago

[bedlamsbard]

All right, reactions to Mando 2.05, “The Jedi”, in...semi-coherent form. Spoilers, obvs. I hated this episode, so keep scrolling now if you don’t want to see negativity.  This is not in any kind of order except stream-of-conscious.

again, I reiterate, spoilers.

again, I reiterate, this is REALLY negative.

Rosario Dawson...yikes.

how...did Bo-Katan know that Ahsoka was on Corvus? are they in contact? since when? Ahsoka seems to have been on Corvus for long enough to be a nuisance to the Magistrate (Morgan Elsbeth), but normally Ahsoka is very efficient and she just...really does not seem to be here? I did not get the impression she was planning on sticking around for any period of time.

(the same could be true for Frog Lady and Bo-Katan on Trask several episodes back. that wasn’t a convert, that was three Mandalorians hanging around the port in cloaks. I guess they could be doing that on the regular, but? would the Empire not then be more worried about being attacked by Mandalorians?)

there was only ever a very, very slim chance that I was going to be happy with any translation of Ahsoka from animation to live action.  I am on record as thinking that animation is the medium for Star Wars and that live action is always going to be a weaker medium than animation and that a lot of things that can be done in animation just cannot be translated to live action in any meaningful form.  I knew Ahsoka’s fighting style couldn’t translate to live action convincingly (here’s what I said about the mo-capped duel in TCW); it never occurred to me that they couldn’t pull off TOGRUTA given that Shaak Ti, you know, exists, and also there are so many excellent Ahsoka cosplayers.

(Consider KM Creations’ excellent silicone lekku (S7), which have beautiful movement; the cosplayer behind that is CallMeSnips and her epilogue prototype is from SWCC is in there somewhere.  I think Rei Kennex’s are latex (you can tell they don’t have much movement) but at least they’re the right length.  I think Ahsoka94′s are also latex (again with the movement); this is her Mortis vision grown-up Ahsoka.)

AND YES, THE LEKKU/MONTRALS WERE A DEAL-BREAKER FOR ME.

I feel very “you have made your bed and now you have to die in it” about that -- apparently the reasoning is for stunts and movement, but for me here’s the thing: her lekku length wasn’t optional.  This is not the equivalent of changing a hair style, which some people seem to think (believe me, I have read so many hot takes); this is like...I’m trying to think of a good comparison.  Like putting Peter Mayhew or Joonas Suotamo in a wig because Chewie’s head was too hard for the actor to see out of, or giving them normal human hands because they can’t grip with the Wookiee hands.

Also your main character wears a helmet at all times that (if it’s anything like my Mandalorian helmet) is pretty poor visibility and full body armor and THIS was your breaking point for stunts?

Ahsoka’s lekku and montrals grow as she ages. These are about S7 length; as @reena-jenkins put it, THEY DE-AGED HER HEAD.  Ahsoka fans coming in know this.  PEOPLE SAW THE REBELS EPILOGUE.

I wonder how many of the people being self-righteous about being totally fine about Ahsoka’s lekku are the same people who claim that Katee Sackhoff is too young to play Bo-Katan.

this also puts them in a weird position in regards to the inevitable merchandise: do they go with normal Ahsoka from TCW and Rebels, the one everyone is familiar with, or do they go with these stunted lekku?

(I can’t believe they’re going to make Her Universe sell merch with this Ahsoka on it. it’s not going to happen but I wish HU was going to be petty enough to not sell any nu!Ahsoka merch.)

Here is some nice art of how Ahsoka’s lekku and montral should have looked.

hoo boy were those prosthetics also just Bad.

“but the stunts” buddy I’m sure Pedro Pascal and his various stunt doubles aren’t having a great time in full armor with almost no visibility either

if you’re going to put the character in, do it right

YOU CAN’T CHEAT

look, I am really, really aural -- the best example I can give is that even though intellectually I know that Matt Lanter and Hayden Christensen both play Anakin Skywalker, I literally cannot parse them as both being the same Anakin Skywalker and for that reason TCW and the PT don’t exist for the same continuity for me.  (This also goes for Ewan McGregor and James Arnold Taylor, Natalie Portman and Cat Taber, and Samuel L. Jackson and TC Carson. I can kinda cope with the multiple Palpatine VAs. Yes, the decision to use Hayden and Sam in Ahsoka’s vision in “Shattered,” even blending into Matt’s voice from Hayden’s, threw me so badly I couldn’t take the vision seriously.)  Ashley Eckstein has a very distinctive voice, and moreover has been the only person to ever voice Ahsoka up to this point (even in the Ahsoka novel audiobook). Barring a MIRACLE I was never going to be able to parse another actress’s voice as Ahsoka’s, solely because of how my brain works.

I could probably have parsed someone else’s face because animated Ahsoka is pretty stylized but the voice thing is a huge problem for me because of how aural I am.

(I say this but when Squadrons did a more live action-style Hera -- knowing they mo-capped Vanessa Marshall I think they used Vanessa’s face for Hera’s, which is also what it looks like on the revised art and face sculpt for the Black Series Hera -- I kind of had a meltdown about it (for...weird reasons). And that was the same VA.)

(The timeskip between TCW and Rogue One, then Rebels, probably saved Saw Gerrera for me here, but he was also never a main character.)

can you believe that Sam Witwer’s Maul got more live action respect than Ashley Eckstein’s Ahsoka

I love Sam’s Maul but wow

this is particularly jarring because Dave Filoni and Ashley Eckstein always seemed like they were friends? I realize that this gets skewed by how little of their actual lives we see online, but that is the vibe that I’ve gotten from interviews and social media posts.

can you believe that TROS gave more respect to Ashley Eckstein’s Ahsoka than Dave Filoni’s Mando episode did (here is her statement on TROS.)

back in March, when the Dawson casting rumors first dropped (or leaked, as the case may be), Ashley posted a statement about it saying that she was not involved in The Mandalorian. she has over the years been very vocal about desperately wanting to play live-action Ahsoka, who is a character solely associated with her up until today, and honestly this just breaks my heart.

I am not the massive Ashley Eckstein fan that many Ahsoka fans are, but I have never heard anything bad about her (I saw her at my hotel at SWCC while I was waiting for my roommate to arrive! that’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to her, a distance of about six feet), and I really desperately hope that someone told her about this beforehand and she didn’t find out from watching the episode.

Also, while I’m here talking about Ashley Eckstein, the characterization here was extremely off, in that specific way that happens when a writer/director is working with their absolute favorite character, DAVE FILONI. I do trust Ashley to course-correct Dave on Ahsoka (in the same way we’ve heard about Sam Witwer pushing back on people about Maul), and that...was not happening here.  (I think Katee Sachoff said something similar to this about Bo-Katan in her interview last week, as well.)

how did you get Bo-Katan so right and Ahsoka so wrong

look, Dave Filoni is truly living up to George Lucas’s legacy in that he can story tell pretty well but he’s not actually that great at nitty-gritty of writing and directing. (none of the really good TCW episodes are his.)

this episode made me think of A Friend in Need (which he directed) which is not, like, a BAD episode but quite notoriously includes the Bo-Katan ass-slap and also Ahsoka beheading four Mandalorians at once.

it also includes a helpless village of oppressed and exploited Asian-coded civilians who are there mostly as background scenery so the bad guys can be bad and the heroes can feel righteous

I’ll come back to that one

the level of violence in this episode was...weird. honestly, too high? in a way that probably would not have registered if it was anyone but Ahsoka. look, I am an animated shows person. I know TCW and Rebels inside and out. I know that neither one is particularly shy about killing off faceless bad guys (though if you watch Rebels S1 compared to Rebels S4 they really dial back the amount of fatal violence the main characters commit in the last season, lol).  But this felt off for Ahsoka in a way I can’t really articulate.

why is Ahsoka attacking a random Mandalorian (her allies are Mandalorians!) who is walking through the woods WITH A BABY? WITHOUT WARNING?

part of that is just her movement -- when they animated her for TCW back in 2008, they made a deliberate decision to give her mannerisms and movement and a fighting style that a human can’t do because she isn’t human and animation can do that. which means that they hobbled themselves when they came to translating her to live action because uh a human can’t do that.

something about her lightsaber blades looked really, really wrong and I can’t put my finger on what. it’s like they just used the illuminated blades of the stunt sabers but didn’t do the extra CGI that the films do? I don’t know.

Ahsoka did a LOT of dramatic posing and what WAS that?

Dave can’t direct live action, that’s what that was

since when can you canonically convey that much information mind to mind

are Ahsoka and Grogu a dyad in the Force (I know the answer is no but also: what? what was happening?)

the only people we’ve seen who can do that sort of thing are Quinlan Vos and Cal Kestis, who both have the rare talent for telemetry, and even that’s not mind to mind communication, that’s touching a thing and going “YIKES”

you are telling me that Ahsoka Tano, whom six months ago we saw take on Darth Maul, a whole barrage of Mandalorian warriors, and her entire clone trooper battalion and walk away without a scratch, had to work up a sweat fighting one woman with a spear

you do know that we all saw TCW and Rebels right

and here’s the problem! this episode makes zero sense if you HAVE seen TCW and Rebels because (1) she doesn’t look right (2) she doesn’t fight right (3) timelines? we’ve never heard of them? (4) is Thrawn back? did you find the Chimaera? (you all do remember that Ezra and Thrawn aren’t out there alone and are in fact with a 40,000 man crewed star destroyer right) (5) did you NOT find them? (6) are you even looking? (7) this is supposed to be AFTER the Rebels epilogue unless you’ve decided to take advantage of that specific ending scene not being super specifically dated and if it’s before IT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE! because I desperately hate that epilogue and its implications EVEN AS IT IS! (8) why would you call this episode “The Jedi” when since 2013 Ahsoka’s whole thing has been not being a Jedi

to be fair I’m pretty sure S7 tried very hard to course correct that but unfortunately, they could not because the rest of canon exists

are you still trying to deny me grown Ahsoka and Rex when we know you got Temuera back for a five second shot of Boba

to be fair I would have the same aural problems with Temuera voicing Rex because that’s Dee Bradley Baker as far as I’m concerned (I reiterate that this is because of how my brain process character and sound, not anythign else)

if you haven’t seen TCW and Rebels this is a random Jedi wandering around for no specific reason namedropping a completely random person who has no prior significance unless it’s going to turn up later

this entire show has consisted of namedropping random people and things with no prior significance within the show itself and it remains entirely unclear whether they’re ever going to have significance within the show itself

look, I can buy Ahsoka not wanting to train the kid both for her stated reasons and for some implied stuff from earlier on in canon (the kids in the Ahsoka novel, the babies from Future of the Force), even what happened with Ezra, and obviously she has Plans and cannot haul a baby around with her when that baby is going to be a baby for an indeterminate amount of time

which honestly is something that ought to come up because even if Ahsoka wanted to train the kid by the time she grew old and died he might, if we were very lucky, have advanced to being essentially a pre-teen and then would be on his own again? this is also true for Din.

lol sure go cast yourself out into the Force, I’m sure there’s absolutely not a single darksider still wandering around the galaxy who might perk up at “ooh, free apprentice!”

I’m literally starting to think that this show takes place in an alternate universe where Luke and Leia either don’t exist or died at some point in the OT

me, baffled, last season: you’re telling me Cara Dune, Alderaanian, had never heard of the Jedi? was she not keeping up with whatever Leia Organa was doing? was the Rebel Alliance actually big enough that PEOPLE IN IT HADN’T HEARD OF LUKE SKYWALKER?

what...is Luke doing right now. isn’t he training Leia?

WHAT HAS AHSOKA BEEN DOING FOR TEN YEARS are we seriously supposed to believe she peaced out of the Rebel Alliance after Malachor and whatever the hell they’re going to make that out to be (honestly at this point I’m betting on “they will never touch it”)

does or does Ahsoka not know that Luke exists

hoo boy can you just see them trying to cast a younger Luke, or do you think they’d CGI de-age Mark Hamill?

oh yeah let’s go through this again in a season with someone else playing young Luke, let’s, I’m not emotionally invested in that so I’m prepared to be entertained

hasn’t Sebastian Stan been floated (even if just on Twitter) for young Luke?

why are these not-imperials on this planet. what are they doing here. what’s the point.

 why is the planet...being burned? I was half-expecting, like, normal deforestation (in terms of logging for lumber) but I’m also a bit ??? about this.

since when is beskar resistant to lightsabers, I thought cortosis was the only thing that was? whatever, it’s new canon, they can do whatever they want. (ETA: apparently that’s been true for a while; I am more a Jedi person than a Mandalorian one as far as the EU goes and my Mandalorian lore is my weakest point.)

dear god were these fight scenes bad

I did spot Morai and I appreciated the tookas

okay, I am taking the next thing out of bullet points because I was really, really upset by it, and as an Asian-American woman it affects me directly.

I was really, really shaken by the use of village of (space) Asian people who were portrayed solely as background victims to be tortured and exploited.  Star Wars has a long history of Orientalism, and some of it I can look away from and some of I can’t.  Mando especially has a very bad track record with its treatment of Asian characters (Fennec Shand), and in recent years the rest of Star Wars live action has also been pretty bad about it; I will never forget how shaken and upset I was by Paige Tico’s death at the beginning of TLJ, and Rose’s sidelining in TROS was a lot to deal with. There has also been some pretty appalling anti-Asian racism from the Mandalorian fandom that I have seen in regards towards casting rumors about Sabine (which brought me to the point of tears as recently as yesterday).

I had been braced for Rosario Dawson Ahsoka because it’s been rumored for so long, if never officially confirmed by Lucasfilm, and after they pulled the original VA for Leia from Resistance a few years ago (without ever making an official statement but it was after she made really dismissive statements during the Kavanaugh hearings) I was still really hoping they’d pull Dawson for the transphobic assault allegations, or that the rumors were false, or...something.  I was not expecting the way that they treated the Asian civilian population here.  I kept hoping that there was going to be something, and it’s like they kept almost going there with Governor Wing (you want to make either his name or his position clear in the actual episode, maybe?) but then kept pulling back, which just made the whole population victims that had to be rescued by outsiders. And exploited, and tortured, and abused in general.

And yes, I’m aware the Magistrate/Morgan Elsbeth is an Asian-American woman.  That doesn’t make it better?  Since Ahsoka presumably kills her offscreen?

(Also Diana Lee Inosanto is a stunt performer and a fight choreographer, why is that fight scene so wooden, damn.)

okay back to bullet points to wrap up

I realize I haven’t said much about Din and the kid and that’s because they didn’t...do...much? I guess if you’re actually invested in them “YAY HE HAS FEELINGS” is a major thing but I’m not

I have flashes of being invested in Din, but the problem is that I never know what the hell this show is doing because it’s all over the place.  We are 5/8 of the way into season 2 and I have no idea what it’s trying to do: they keep setting stuff up and then not doing anything with it. I can make vague predictions based on what’s set up and based on my knowledge of canon, but this show is so weirdly set up and paced that I can never tell if they’re something for A Reason, for the lulz, or for the Aesthetic.

I feel extremely vindicated by the revelation a few weeks ago that Din grew up in a cult but I also straight-up feel like I spent the past year being gaslighted about what Mandalorians were, and that’s...not a great feeling. Do I think that the show is going to do anything with that? Fuck, I don’t know. I hope so. I know what I’d do as a writer. But I can’t predict anything they’re doing and that makes me really uneasy.

jeez, at least when George Lucas was making Star Wars you knew he was doing it to entertain himself and tell a specific story rather than constantly having to go back and wonder what story lines got compromised for a project down the road.

like, is this why they did mo-cap Ahsoka in S7, to brace us for live action Ahsoka here? I know they had already filmed Mando S2 before S1 came out. WHY THEY DIDN’T THEY REUSE LAUREN MARY KIM AS AHSOKA’S STUNT DOUBLE THEN? it’s not like she hasn’t stunted in Mando before?

if this was supposed to be a backdoor pilot to a Rebels sequel...I will flip a table

I enjoyed the Bad Batch eps in TCW S7 but knowing that there’s going to be a Bad Batch show I’m now wondering if they’re only in S7 to backdoor pilot that show

how far back does this go? did they put the Legacy of Mandalore story line in Rebels S4 solely to set up for this? especially considering that that’s the one thing in S4 that actually has saga weight and then they immediately got rid of everything it accomplished to set up for this?

I presume that this is the reason they refused to release the turnaround for Ahsoka’s epilogue look two years ago. apparently it doesn’t matter given they changed her entire epilogue color scheme and also her lekku and personality.

Look -- at the end of the day, there was only about a 2% chance I was ever going to like this episode, but I was holding out for it nevertheless. I do get surprised from time to time! I liked the Bo-Katan episode! This was, however, a hot mess. And yes: a lot of the things that bother me are not going to bother other people. (I haven’t seen anyone comment on the Asian villagers, for example.)

[avintagekiss24]

Hot for teacher [1] > Bucky Barnes

PAIRING; Dark!Professor!Bucky Barnes x black!reader

WORD COUNT; 2,558

WARNINGS; Age difference, teacher/student dynamics, female masturbation, eventual dub-con elements

SUMMARY; You’re in your final year away at boarding school. There’s a new ethics teacher in town, and instead of helping you to straighten out your principals, he twists them all up.

NOTE; This is for @darkficsyouneveraskedfor​ Precode Challenge. I chose the movie Madchen in Uniform from 1931, where a girl gets sent off to boarding school and falls for her teacher. 

I’m not sure how many parts this’ll end up being, but I have a lot of ideas, lol. Reader is a smart ass in this one, but Bucky likes a smart ass. Hope you guys enjoy on this fine Saturday evening :)

☞ PART TWO | ☞ SERIES MASTERLIST

You tap your pencil against your open textbook absentmindedly as you glance around the room. Your foot swings wildly from side to side as your brain races. You take a deep breath. You’ve always loved and hated the first day of school. You hate it, because from the moment your alarm goes off on the first day of school, the anxiety and pressure sets in. The word perfect comes to mind. You have to be perfect - straight A’s for mommy and daddy and nothing less. You love it because it’s really the only thing you’re good at. You’ve been perfect for so long that you don’t know how to be anything else. 

You always sit up straight. You always cross your legs. You always eat your salad with your salad fork and your dinner with your dinner fork. You say please and thank you after every interaction with another human. You are prim and proper and perfect -  always have been, always will be. 

You glance at the clock on the wall - leave it to the new guy to be late on the first day. You roll your eyes and let out another sigh as you continue to kick your foot out of boredom and anxiety. People talk and laugh around you but you tune it out as you chew on the inside of your cheek. You glance at the clock again - come on.

The door suddenly opens, snapping all of your attention toward it as a short haired, stubble chinned man enters, “Sorry guys,” he starts, as he moves toward his desk, “It’s not the first day of school unless I’ve set a bad example for you.”

Laughter sounds around you but you don’t join in. You blink slowly as you scoot to the edge of your seat. 

“So, first things first,” he starts, sitting on the edge of his desk and stretching out his legs to cross them at the ankles, “I’m Professor Barnes, but I don’t want any of you calling me that. We’re all adults, right? I mean, you’re all almost eighteen, if you aren’t already. Call me Bucky.”

Bucky. You’re not sure why but a jolt of something flashes right through your body. Bucky. It’s oddly erotic. You sit up a little straighter (if that’s at all possible) in your seat.

Your eyes sink down his lean frame. He’s dressed like you’d think an ethics teacher would be dressed - a brown and beige sweater covers a striped button down dress shirt and matching tie. His legs are long in his brown slacks, the material hugging his thighs slightly tighter than they should. The outfit is capped off with a pair of brown loafers - the expensive kind - as he shakes his foot. 

“I’m also not going to lie, I’m probably going to be late more often than not. I’m not a morning person.”

He chuckles after his admission and you groan inwardly. Your eyes squint slightly as you bring the eraser of your pencil to your mouth to chew on it. Your crossed legs start to sway to and fro as your eyes continue to move up and down his body. Your thoughts turn from straight A’s and extra credit to things that would make your mother blush. He looks like he works out. He looks… firm. 

A short, dark haired girl lifts her hand from the second row and he nods towards her, “So, what happens if we’re late? Are you going to count it against us?”

He cocks his head to the side and bends his lips down before he shrugs, “What do you think I should do, Miss…”

“Amy, Amy Podkulski.” She says, tucking her hair behind her ear, “I think as long as we’re here within a reasonable time, we should get a pass. As long as we aren’t taking advantage of it, you know?”

He nods slowly, keeping his blue eyes on her as she talks, “I think that’s fair. I mean, listen, I’m supposed to be preparing you for real life, right? For college and beyond - look, things are going to happen. People are going to get sick, they’re going to oversleep, they’re going to have car trouble. That’s real life. I’m not a hard ass. I like to think of myself as understanding, so, as long as you all are honest with me and don’t take advantage of me, an occasional tardy won’t bother me.”

You watch as several students nod and smile, already catching onto his casual vibe. 

“That’s cool,” Amy Podkulski nods and you can hear the smile on her face, “Thanks Professor Barnes.”

“I told you,” he starts, crossing his arms over his chest, “It’s Bucky. Any other questions? Come on guys, I don’t bite.”

Your brain spins at almost a million miles a second as you chew on your pencil. You lift your hand slowly, a smirk playing on your lips as you come up with something shitty to say. Being a smart ass just comes with the territory you suppose. 

Bucky links eyes with you seconds later and you almost gasp at the intensity behind them. You swallow quickly and clear your throat, regaining your composure quickly.

“You say that you’re supposed to be getting us ready for real life, right? So, how would you letting us be intentionally late, set us up for success?”

He smiles at you and pride swells in your chest, “Things happen. I’m not allowing you to be intentionally late for the hell of it, I’m being understanding.”

“Yes, but what supervisor or manager cares about what your morning is like?”

“Good ones.”

You shrug, “How many good supervisors or managers have you had?”

He smiles again, but this time wider - broader - showing off his perfect white teeth and the crinkles that form at the corners of his eyes, “Touche. What’s um, what’s your name?”

“I didn’t say.” You smirk back, enjoying this banter back and forth. 

You’ve always tested your authority figures, trying to see if they can keep up with your quick wit and sharpness. You’ve dismantled a few, earning yourself more than a few tense classroom experiences, with one even having you switched to another teacher. This Bucky guy though? He’s good. 

Truth be told, this is exactly what you wanted. Not so much to challenge him per se, but to have his full attention, all on little old you. 

“Okay,” he starts confidently as he stands and starts to pace, his arms still crossed over his chest, “You think I’m being too lenient?”

“Not so much lenient, but you giving us the belief that as long as you're honest, people will both believe and forgive you. That’s just not true.”

“Interesting,” he nods as he continues to pace. He stops and cuts his eyes toward you again, “That’s a tad bit cynical, don’t you think?”

You shrug again as you feel the eyes of the rest of the students on you, “Maybe.”

“So, you don’t think that you’ll ever get the benefit of the doubt? That every single time you do something that’s considered a punishable offense, you should, but more importantly, you will be penalized? You think that is the real world?”

“That’s what society has shown us to believe, isn’t it? People get fired every day for being a few minutes late more than twice a month, aren’t they?”

He chuckles again, “Well if that’s the case, I should have been fired years ago.” Laughter rumbles through the classroom, “So you believe that you should be held accountable for everything?”

“Would I be taking ethics as an elective if I didn’t?”

He matches your smirk. He stares at you for a few seconds, his eyes dipping down your face slightly before he returns them squarely to your eyes. Your body is shaky and hot, your panties wet for a multitude of reasons. You’re a show off, and it gets you off when you get to parade your intelligence in front of an audience. You like a quick banter, you like knowing that someone can stand toe to toe with you on an intellectual level. You also like him. Bucky. 

You’re going to touch yourself tonight. 

If you can make it that long, that is. 

“How about we do this, miss I didn’t give my name. How about I hold you, and only you, accountable for your tardies, hm?”

You shrug defiantly, “That’s fine with me, but, how are you going to do that if you’re not going to show up on time?”

His voice drops to a dangerously low octave, “Oh, I think you just made me a morning person.” Your lips part as you sense the slight edge in his voice, “Anything else?” He asks, quirking his eyebrow. 

You shake your head, “No sir.”

The next hour goes by all too quickly if you do say so yourself. You could listen to him speak for hours on end. You’ve got almost six pages of notes - things scribbled in the margins, arrows pointing every which way. You currently sit with your chin in your palm, your eyes squarely on him, your blood rushing as your clit throbs between your legs. 

“Alrighty,” he sighs, checking his watch, “That’s all I’ve got today. I’ll see you guys on Wednesday, okay? Hope you enjoy the rest of your first day back.”

You shut your notebook as the rest of the class moves around you, chatter instantly filling the room as the bell rings seconds later. You shove your book into your bag and stand, adjusting your plaid skirt before you move between the seats and down to the door. 

A hand stops you - thick fingers and a warm palm wrap around your bicep. You turn on the balls of your feet to face the strong jawed Bucky Barnes. He looks just past you as the rest of the students file out one by one. 

“I’m going to take this as a personal challenge, I hope you know.” He simpers, still ready and willing to play with you. 

“Well, I hope you do, Mr. Barnes. I’m always up for a challenge.”

“I can see that,” he winks. You catch a whiff of his cologne and it nearly bowls you over, “I look forward to this semester with you.”

You bat your eyes towards him and drop your chin as a small, soft smile tugs at the corners of your mouth, “You as well Mr. Barnes.”

He lets you take a few steps before he calls to you again, “It’s Bucky.”

You stop, glancing over your shoulder, “I prefer Mr. Barnes.”

You feel his eyes on you as you pass through the door. 

You’re not going to make it until tonight. 

You check your watch quickly before you eye the sign for the girls bathroom. Seven minutes. You can make it happen in seven minutes. You make a quick b-line and push into the crowded bathroom, thankfully finding an open stall. You move inside and shut the door, slamming the lock into the small hole. You drop your bag to the floor - something you’ll ultimately regret later due to your germaphobic tendencies - and shove your hand into your skirt. 

You close your eyes as your fingers start to move quickly, Bucky’s voice filling your head. I’m going to take this as a personal challenge, I hope you know. Your fingers dance between your wet lips, quickening as flashes of your excitement start to bounce through you. Your heart flutters. You can hear your wetness as you massage your clit, your hips starting to roll into your fingers.

Six minutes. 

You bite down on your bottom lip, trying to stifle a soft moan as your free hand slips into your shirt. You squeeze your breast before pinching your nipple to bring it to attention. You toss your head back as thoughts of Mr. Barnes’ beard scraping against your thighs as he sucks you off ravage through your brain. You shove your fingers into your wet cunt, pushing them in and out, in and out as you roll your nipple between your fingers. 

You release your breast and slip your hand into your skirt to accompany the other. You rub quick circles against your clit as you fuck yourself in the stall, just inches away from the flood of girls that move in and out of the bathroom. 

So you believe that you should be held accountable for everything? You grunt softly as his words replay in your head. You want him to hold you accountable all right. Bend you over his desk, lift your skirt, spank you like the bad little girl you are. 

Five minutes.

Your stomach jumps into your throat when your hips hitch at the thought, your orgasm building faster and faster. You push your hips into your hands as your skin starts to prickle with sensitivity. A shiver runs the length of your spine as you work yourself over, trying to stifle the high pitched noises that squeak out from your tight throat. 

Your muscles clench your fingers as they start to quiver from the impending rush. Your heart leaps into your throat, your breath quickens as your body tenses. 

Four minutes. 

You hum quickly as you focus on coaxing out the sweet orgasm you so desire. You bite your lip again, imagining that your fingers are Mr. Barnes’ - scratching, groping, fingering, pumping into your flesh. How he’d ruck your skirt around your waist, nibble on your neck and earlobe, whisper sweet nothings as he finger fucks you up against his desk.

So, you don’t think that you’ll ever get the benefit of the doubt? That every single time you do something that’s considered a punishable offense, you should, but more importantly, you will be penalized?

You cum with three minutes to spare. You grunt quietly, biting down on your bottom lip so hard that you think you might draw blood. Your cunt clenches around your fingers as your clit jumps with convulsions. You thrust your hips forward as it consumes you - your pussy squirting, your warm juices splashing against your thighs and the floor below. 

You fall against the wall, rolling onto your back as your chest heaves. Your eyelids are heavy as you can barely see through the slits. You hum again as a smile spreads on your face and a giggle sneaks through. This’ll get through the day. Now, you’ll be able to make it until tonight when you can slip under the covers with your vibrating boyfriend. 

Two minutes. 

You clean up - wiping at your thighs and then the floor with some toilet paper before collecting your bag. You move out to the sinks and wash your hands, keeping your eyes on your reflection in the mirror. Girls buzz around you, applying makeup and laughing and talking as you dry your hands before smoothing them down your jacket and skirt. 

One minute.

You throw your hair over your shoulder, take one last glance at yourself before you move out into the hallway. You hurry toward your next class, slipping into the large room and taking a seat in the second row just as the bell rings. You wait a few minutes until your trigonometry teacher is deep in his lecture before you pull out your phone, flipping to your mother’s number.

I need a new backpack… dropped mine on the bathroom floor.

[themonkeycabal]

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Episode 1 SPOILERS

If you need to blacklist, I will be tagging all things as #tfatws and/or #tfatws spoilers

My roommate keeps calling this The Falcon and the Snowman. I'm not entirely sure it's accidental.

I was going to watch at midnight and then fell asleep. Betrayal. I will not forgive this, brain.

Bucky Barnes character development. Sam Wilson character development. Six full episodes of Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson. When we watched Civil War, did we think we'd actually be lucky enough to get a buddy idiot cop movie? Let alone six hours of it? #blessed

What are we expecting here? I have no idea, honestly. I think all the clips we've been seeing are from the first couple episodes, so they've hidden any sort of plot from us. We know Baron Zemo's around with his stupid purple ski mask and burning hatred for superheroes and probably specifically for Bucky who he tried (and honestly kind of succeeded, before then ultimately failing dramatically) to set up. And Sharon Carter will turn up at some point. OMG guys, Sharon Carter character development!

I'm just here for the buddy bickering and badassery.

SPOILERS BELOW

New World Order: Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes realize that their futures are anything but normal. *Realize*? lol

Also, it's tagged as "science fiction, action-adventure, buddy" Awww.

Aww, Sam looks sad as he gazes at The Shield.

"How's it feel?" "Like it's someone else's." "It isn't."

That's right, Sam! Listen to that voice. That's yours now, baby.

We're just going to roll right into a mission. Rescuing a Captain Vassant, whose plane fell out of contact shortly after take off, from the ridiculously named group LAF, somewhere over Tunisia. Sam's got to keep LAF from doing bad things and the US Military can't be seen doing anything blah blah blah, violation of treaties, yada yada. And Sam's all "blah blah got it". We're on the same page, Sam and me. Nobody wants to hear it, Briefing Exposition Guy.

We will have a Lt. Torres on the ground following along and offering helpful commentary as they go.

Sam is warned to be subtle as he falls backwards out of the cargo plane in very dramatic fashion and then swoops off on his brightly colored wings. lol

Sam gets to the captain's plane but the pilot is dead and a shady LAF guy is piloting. Oh no. Hey, it's Batroc. Last seen getting his ass kicked by Captain America in "CA: The Winter Soldier". He makes some jokes about their prisoner - presumably Captain Vassant. Awful cocky for a guy with a history of getting stomped on, you know.

Anyway, he's about to get his ass kicked by a Captain America again as Sam breaks into the plane. You might just be using wing shields now, Sam, but you're Captain America in my heart. Also, hey, dumb bad guys, don't open fire with an automatic weapon inside a plane or the ricochets might kill your pilot. And his body will slump forward and put the plane into a steep dive.

Batroc distracts Sam while the bad guys gather up Vassant and jump out of the plane with him. They have wingsuits, but Sam has, you know, wings. And like a jet pack. Don't hit the canyon walls, Sam!

Somehow the bad guys have waiting gunships. Did they expect to jump out of the plane over this canyon? I can only assume. Red Wing takes care of one of the helicopters. Man these guys are a pain in the ass. They wing suit into one of the many many helicopters that just happen to be right in the right spot. They're racing for the Libyan border. Then Sam shows up, they throw Vassant out the copter again — this guy is having the worst day — and glide into another chopper.

Man ANOTHER gunship? The hell? They're causing serious ecological damage to this canyon, what with all the zillionty missiles they're firing at Sam. How strapped is this thing?

LT Torres is trying to keep up, and you know, trying to get Sam to not fly into Libyan territory and cause an international incident or some such. Sam is struck by inspiration and not by a missile. But, the missiles are following Sam and Sam is following Batroc's chopper. Sam zooms through the open doors of the chopper, knocks poor Vassant out of the chopper AGAIN (but then catches him), and LAF blows up their own helicopter. Alas, Batroc escaped.

Sam saves the day and LT Torres is like super excited. Don't break your humvee, Torres.

Torres and Sam stop by a tea shop in Tunis, or somewhere. Sam's trying to fix his tech that got a little shot up and Torres buys the tea. A man comes up and thanks Sam for saving his wife. It's sweet. And then Torres gets up and wanders about a bit with his phone as he exposits about LAF. Is Torres about to become a pin cushion? Only instead of pins it'll be bullets? I'm not feeling good about his continued health. He's too cute and earnest.

Oh, he's looking for some sort of hidden, augmented reality tag on the walls. A red handprint, id'ing some group that calls themselves the Flag Smashers. Bad guys are really scraping the bottom of the evil name barrel. Anyway, they think the world was better during the blip. Nothing says better like mass failure of infrastructure and probably world wide famine. They want a unified world without borders. I have big doubts the world would be a borderless utopia during a blip-like event. Power vacuums invite trouble, seldom unity.

Anyhoo. Sam kind of agrees with me, "every time something gets better for one group, it gets worse for another".

Torres will track the 'online chatter'. But he's also heard some wacky things about Steve Rogers, conspiracy theory stuff, "they think that he's in a secret base on the moon, looking down over us". LOL. What? Is Steve a moon angel now? or Santa Claus? "You didn't like fly him to the moon?" Sam assures him that's all very much silly foolishness. Steve's in Boca working on his tan.

Sam's back in D.C. giving a talk about Steve at the Smithsonian's National Air & Space museum. "And he mastered posing stoically". Hey, I have that picture. Also, RHODEY! Hi Rhodey!

"A few months ago, billions of people reappeared after 5 years away. Sending the world into turmoil." Again. I know this was meant to come out before WandaVision, but timeline-wise this works better.

"We need new heroes. Ones suited for the times we're in. Symbols are nothing without the women and men that give them meaning." Sam holds up The Shield. "I don't know if there's been a greater symbol." Aww, he's retiring the shield. He hands it off to museum people and they put it in a display case. I think Rhodey has some thoughts about this. I suspect Rhodey maybe doesn't agree.

Sam and Rhodey wander through the Cap exhibit and Sam's talking about how when he left (or got snapped, it's not like you had a choice about that, Sam), his nephews were babies and now they're little men. Awww. Rhodey says Sam should bring them to D.C., he'll teach them how to fly, "the right way". lol.

Rhodey says it's crazy to think nobody will be carrying the shield. Sam points out they went 70 years without, so like …

Rhodey wants to know why Sam didn't take up the mantle. BTW, this is a cool exhibit, marvel peeps. Sam says it feels like it belongs to someone else … Steve. Rhodey says everything's broken. Allies are enemies, things are torn apart. People are looking for somebody to make it better. Having made his pitch, Rhodey leaves Sam to stare mournfully at the shield. I think you're afraid to pick up the shield, Sam. Afraid you won't measure up. But, you can do it. I have faith. Also, Steve was kind of a disaster in his own way. He wasn't perfect, which was the point of Steve as a hero. Pick up the shield, Sam.

A fancy hotel, chatting people in the lobby, up to a mezzanine, a group of very Russian oligarch looking dudes and their security. And lo! A metal arm punches through a wall and the Winter Soldier, looking very Winter Soldiery appears and stabs some dudes in the neck. This has a sepia, dream/nightmareness to it. Oh yeah, it's his old shiny silver arm. Totally a nightmare/very bad memory. "Hail Hydra" and he kills the head Russian guy. The poor dude who was just chatting in the lobby is caught trying to get into his door. He swears he didn't see anything, begs for his life and the Winter Soldier shoots him. Bucky wakes up, breathing heavily. Poor Bucky.

Glad he's in therapy. I'm sure goat herding in Wakanda was good and peaceful and all, but, goats will only get you so far. Also glad we've skipped the "wanted terrorist" part and gone on to traumatized hero.

I get the feeling he's not the best patient. He lies to his therapist straight off. Twice. lol. "You're a civilian now. With your history the government needs to know, you're not gonna … [therapist makes stabby motion]." lol (I love this actress by the way. She's been in everything for ages. She's great). "It's a condition of your pardon. So tell me about your most recent nightmare." "I didn't have a nightmare." She starts writing, Bucky objects and tells her she's being passive-aggressive, but he gives in.  

He has a list of amends to make and three rules to follow. He crossed a name off. There's a Hydra pawn who's a senator, he helped her get into office. "After Hydra disbanded, she continued to use the power I gave her." Hmm. He tracks her car and listens in on her plotting to have a congressman killed.

* Rule number one: Can't do anything illegal.

He's hijacked the Senator's car and is remote controlling it, making it drive all out of control and freaking her out. He says he was collecting intel to give to an aide to convict her. Absolutely only did that. Not one illegal thing about that at all, no ma'am.

"Rule number two?" "Hmm. What was rule number two?" "Nobody gets hurt. It's a big one." "Then why isn't it rule number one?" Oh, Bucky, you're a jackass.

* Rule number two: Nobody gets hurt.

"I didn't hurt anybody. Promise." He totally broke a dude's hand and then punched him in the face, knocking him out. I mean, there's levels of 'hurt' I suppose.

"The whole point of making amends is to fulfill rule number three." "Of course I completed rule number three."

* Rule number three: "I am no longer the Winter Soldier. I am James 'Bucky' Barnes. And you're part of my efforts to make amends." He says to the corrupt senator he's just been terrifying. And then he walks away as a tac team pulls up. lol.

What I'm getting from this therapy session is that Bucky is a big fat fibber.

Also he's got a little black book full of names. Including, I see, H. Zemo. That's not going to go as smoothly as taking down a shady government fatcat, I think.

"So you did it all right, but it didn't help with the nightmares?" "Well, like I said, I didn't have any." Fibber.

People wanna help you Bucky and you can trust them. "I trust people," he mutters grumpily. She asks for his phone and he hands it over. Look, lady! Trust! Probably government mandated trust, but still!

"You don't have ten phone numbers on this thing." … I don't have ten phone numbers on my phone. :( "Oh, and you've been ignoring texts from Sam." Well …

"I am the only person you have called all week. That is so sad." lol. Tough love from the therapist. I'm feeling a little judged myself, though. "You're alone." ALRIGHT DON'T RUB IT IN!

"You're a hundred years old. You have no history. No family—" "Are you lashing out at me, doc? Because that's really unprofessional." I love you Bucky, but you are a disaster patient.

Bucky relents. "I'm trying. This is new for me. I didn't have a moment to deal with anything. I had a little calm in Wakanda. And other than that, I just went from one fight to another for 90 years." Get this man a goat farm!

"So now that you've stopped fighting, what do you want?" "Peace." A goat farm. "That is utter bullshit." lol "You're a terrible shrink." "I was an excellent soldier, so I saw a lot of dead bodies and I know how that can shut you down. And if you are alone, that is the quietest, most personal hell." Get some friends, Bucky. "I know you've been through a lot. But, you've got your mind back. You're being pardoned. These are good things. You're free." "To do what?"

On the streets of Brooklyn. Bucky breaks up an argument between neighbors about trashcans. Hey, Bucky has a friend! Yori Nakajima who's probably like 80+. Did you babysit him back in the day, Buck? har har. They were going to meet for lunch, but some punk named Unique was putting his trash into Mr. Nakajima's trash can and just derailed the whole day. The horror. No joke, though, people get so nutted up about that. It's weird to me. Of course, I did also have a neighbor who never put out his trash for pickup and just snuck out at night before trash day and distributed his garbage into in other people's bins. Cheapass.

"Hey man, I'm Unique. Like Monique but it's got a 'u' in there for uniqueness." Yeah, you should have let Yori smack him, Buck.

Well now Yori is just not in the mood for lunch. Bucky tries to persuade him, but one grumpy old man out grumps the other. "But Izzy. We always go to Izzy on Wednesday. What if I buy?" "Fine. But no talking." lol. BFFs!

Yori is looking at the obituaries. "Look, nobody made it past 90 this week." Bucky tsks "So young, such a shame."

Bucky kind of smiles at the girl behind the counter at the sushi joint, Yori tells him he should ask her out. Bucky makes a "are you nuts, shut up" face. That doesn't stop Yori. "He would like to take you out on a date. Maybe to bingo or a night of pinochle." You're a wild man, Yori!

She's down by it, though, and she and Yori hammer out the details while Bucky's like uh, okay, so wow, that's happening. "There's a dance to these things. You can't … you gotta warm up and I haven't danced since 1943."

Yori sees something and suddenly gets sad. His son loves red bean mochi. His son was a consultant, working abroad and he was killed. Oh. Oh Bucky, why you gotta … Yori's son was the innocent witness he killed at the hotel in his nightmare/memory. "I will never know what really happened to him." Brutal.

Delacroix, Louisana

Sam's on his way home. Wilson Family Seafood. Aww. His nephews are helping mom with the catch. "Blue for the snapper, orange for the white fish," Sam calls out. The boys run over to him. They do look like fine gentlemen. It's weird, Sam, I get it. I recently realized my oldest nephew will be 13 in May and it's like "no, he's only in kindergarten, what are you talking about?"

His sister greets him then tells him he's looking all sneaky. Sam deflects. Their boat has seen better days. The Paul & Darlene. Aww. Is that his parents names? "Baby being held together by duct tape and prayers." Just needs to float long enough for his sister to sell it. But Sam's all, uh I thought we were going to *discuss* that. Uh oh, family drama. "We did, and then you were off fighting Dr Space Cape or whatever (lol), while I was holding it together for five long years." Ouch.

Sam is not down by this selling the boat thing. His sister doesn't seem to think they're in a position to hold on to it. Also, she'd really like to not hash this out on the pier with like twenty other people around, Sam.

They get into more of an argument on the boat. The family biz is not doing well financially. Sarah won't let Sam help for some reason, and he makes some comment about the house and loans and she punches him in the chest. lol "I forgot how hard you hit."

Sam insists they can turn it around, consolidate loans. And she's all, been there done that, I've come to terms with this. He's a persistent little jerk. This is such a perfectly sibling argument. Notably he has moved himself out of punching range.

Aww, she wants to believe he can save the boat, but she has DOUBTS.

Back in Brooklyn. Bucky attempts his date. He turns up at the end of the sushi girl's shift and gives her flowers. "Well, if that's not the most adorably old-fashioned thing anyone's ever done."

They chat while she tidies. He tried online dating oh lol. It didn't take. She tells him "You sound like my dad. Wait how old are you?" "Hundred and six." Oh yeah, what a funny joke. Next she wants to know why he's wearing gloves. "I have … um … poor circulation." He grimaces at himself and glances out the window. Smooth as silk, Bucky. Smoooooth.

"Let's play a game." Now, I'm thinking like some weird dating word/get-to-know-each-other game or something. I don't know. But, nope, she means Battleship. lol. I like her.

The drinking game version of battleship. Bucky sucks at it. "You sure can drink." "Yeah, well." Super assassin, unfair advantage.

We're just going to rub in this whole The Winter Soldier killed Yori's son thing, as she says it's nice that he's spending time with the old man. Since he was all messed up after his son was murdered and how it was extra hard because he didn't know what happened. I'm not sure this is healthy, Bucky.

"There's no word for someone whose kids die." Okay, ouch, lady, jeez. Bucky looks like he wants to puke. Or crawl into a deep dark hole. Or something. "Because it's the worst thing that can happen." Bucky nopes right out the front door. So, maybe they should have played pinochle instead.

Bucky goes to Yori. Are you really going to tell this man you murdered his son when you were a brain-washed Hydra assassin? Yori asks how the date was, and Bucky sees a shrine to the man's son in the apartment. Poor Bucky. He makes some excuse about owing Yori for lunch and leaves. Yori's name is in his book of amends. :(

Back in Louisiana. Sam and the kids are packing up meals. His sister maybe wants to sell meals in addition to fish. Sam says they've got to get going to their appointment at the bank. She's says it's in an hour. Sam must be just the worst brother to live with "There's no such thing as on time. You're either early or late. Pick one." Man, no wonder he gets punched.

Switzerland

Lt Torres is walking down a street with an unusually large number of people just sort of milling around in the middle of the street looking at their phones. He's got his kind of hidden, recording. He stops a guy and asks if he knows what they're supposed to be doing. Oh it's the flag munchers, or whatever. There's a weird phony bird whistle and then people gather around a person handing out masks with red handprints on them. His decoy bad guy phone chirps and gives the order to run. A guy jumps out of a nearby building with two huge duffle bags (of money it seems) and walks off while the previously milling people become a seemingly panicked mob, distracting police and whatnot.

Torres tries to arrest the jumper guy, who appears to have some super strength as he kicks a policeman halfway across the street. Torres, you're cute, but not super bright. Torres gets body slammed and then stomped. He survives again, however, defying the odds.

At the bank. The account manager keeps giving Sam the side-eye as he goes through their paperwork. "Do I know you from somewhere." Sam's all modest, "I don't know. Do you?" And then he makes a little wing flappy move with his hands. lol. What a nerd. "Falcon!" Then he takes a selfie with Sam. Sarah is very done with all this. She tries to get them back on track. Account guy wants to know how Avengers make a living. Probably not looking good for your loan, Sam.

"Is there some kind of fund for heroes? Or did Stark pay you when he was around? My condolences, by the way."

Yeah, financially this is looking bad, my dude. "You have no income over the last five years." Well, but, he was blipped. I mean …

Alas, shot down for the loan.

Sam and Sarah argue on the street. Ah, Sam ran off to the Air Force and didn't deal with what was going on at home. Oh my, this is getting ugly. Speaking as someone who got disowned on account of a family business, let me just say, they're not easy. Nuh-uh.

"Half the boat's mine and so is the house. We're not selling our family's legacy." "You gonna do me like what when you know I'm right?"

I get it might be awkward to ask, but I bet you could have asked Pepper for a loan, Sam, and she would have given it to you gladly. Come on, man.

Later. Sam's working on the boat's engine, and it's not cooperating. In the cabin he looks at the family pictures on all the walls. He's having a rough day. About as rough as Torres who texts him to find a secure line and call him along with a selfie of his bruised and battered face. #important (lol, really?)

Sam watches the footage Torres caught and they chat about how Torres was supposed to be doing that stuff online and not getting his face kicked in in Switzerland.

Sarah interrupts and turns on the TV. Some guy is giving a speech about how everybody needs a hero. "We need someone who can inspire us again. Someone who can be a symbol for all of us. So on behalf of the Department of Defense and our Commander-in-Chief, it is with great honor that we announce here today that the United States of America has a new hero." hmm, no comment. Except, you should have taken up the shield, Sam. Now it's Sam's turn to look like he's going to puke. What did I say about power vacuums? Somebody will fill them, whether you want them to or not. 

This new guy looks like a goober. There, I said it.

credits

So … lots of setup. And very clear on the two guys trying to figure out where they fit in this world post blip and big wars. Both of them trying to fix broken families.

Plus a goober in a Cap suit.

So far so good. 

[inkbloodpaperandbone]

A Proper Apology

(I am honestly really happy that Abby gets her happy ending but she should have actually apologized properly. I hope it doesn't come across as Abby being a horrible person because she's not. But sometimes nice people whether they mean to or not do shitty things that hurt people. So I wrote this instead of sleeping. lol. If you like this please reblog.)

Tagging @datleggy

After leaving Buck at the park Abby felt out of sorts.

It had gone well, she'd thanked him for rescuing her fiancé, Sam, she'd explained why she'd let her and Buck's relationship and he'd told Abby that he was happy for her. So why did she feel so off?

Maybe it was because despite being back in L.A she hadn't considered to contact Carla.

Yes that was it. It would be nice to see her old friend, Abby couldn't remember the last time they'd actually spoken.

Mind made up, Abby scrolled down the contact list on her phone in search of Carla's number and physically blanched at the date of the last message.

Abby hadn't realised it had been so long.

Abby quickly sent of a text, asking if Carla was busy and if not would she like to meet up at that cafe they used to go to before Abby had left.

Fifteen minutes later Carla replied, saying she was surprised to hear Abby was in LA and yes it would be nice to meet up today but that the café Abby had suggested had shut down ages ago but that there was a nice enough one that Carla now visited and the instructions to get there.

Abby smiled and quickly phoned Sam to tell him she'd be a little while longer and that she loved him.

The café turned out not to be to far from where Abby and Sam where staying so she decided to walk. After all Abby had lived in LA for years, surely it had changed all that much on the time she was aboard.

Seeing Carla face to face for the first time in nearly three years was almost strange. But at least it was nowhere near as shocking as seeing Buck at the train wreckage a couple of days prior.

Carla was sitting at a table outside and waved Abby over when she spotted her long absentee friend.

Reaching the table Abby smiled brightly and readily accepted the hug Carla offered.

"I've missed you."

Carla pulled away, "I missed you too."

They sat and a waiter scurried over to take their orders.

Carla ordered a mocha capachino, Abby a white coffee.

"So, what are you doing back in LA. I have to say it was a surprise."

Carla smiled but her words sounded kinda, Abby wasn't sure, sad maybe.

"Well my fiance and I where -"

"Wait you're engaged? Since when?"

Abby frowned, she'd posted about the engagement on her Facebook page months ago.

She told Carla as much.

"Abby sweetie we're not friends on have Facebook anymore."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I guess I should have called."

Carla waves a hand dismissively.

"So you where telling me about being back in LA."

Abby nodded and began explaining about the train derailment and how she and Sam where staying at a hotel for the moment.

Oh honey I'm so glad you're okay. I can't believe it, I heard about it on the news. That must have been terrifying."

"It was so scary. And I lost Sam for awhile and I had no way of knowing if he was alive and then Buck showed up and that was so strange but he helped save Sam and we're good.

"You're good, you and Buck? After everything?" Carla sounded surprised.

"Well I spoke to him earlier today."

"And how was that?"

Abby sighed she hadn't really wanted to talk about Buck.

"Well I told him about Sam and his kids and how while I was traveling I realized that if I came back to LA I was just going to go back to being the Abby that was always looking after everyone else but me and that I didn't want to lose myself again to that. So I decided not to come back."

Carla leaned back on her chair, her usually bright and friendly faced closed off.

"That's it?"

"What do you mean?" Abby recoiled at Carla's tone.

"Abby that boy waited for you for months, he looked after your apartment, all your things, even your mail and you just stopped talking to him. Honey, he came to me near tears wondering if he should give up on you or not."

Carla took a large sip of her drink.

"Please tell me you at least apologized."

"I, I explained. I -" Abby stutters.

"Explained what? That you didn't want to face up to the fact you didnt want a relationship with him anymore."

Carla shook her head in disbelief. She stood up and motions for a waiter to come to take her bill.

"Abby you ghosted him and it broke his heart. He deserves a proper apology. I'm happy for you Abby I am but I love that boy too and he's been through far to much this past year not to get the closure he needs from you."

Carla quickly pays for her drink, tells Abby to try and stay in touch and gives her another tight hug before leaving.

A lump settles in Abby's throat that doesn't go away even when she gets back to the hotel.

Sam smiles up at her from where he's sitting on the bed. The girls are in the room attached to theirs, the TV playing loudly.

Sam's face is bruised and scratched but he's alive and whole and Abby is grateful to Buck for once again being there when she needed him.

Sitting down next to her fiancé Sam asks how her afternoon went and Abby tells him about meeting Buck and then Carla. And how uneasy it had made her feel.

Sam smile drops and he take her hand between his own.

"I think your friend Carla is right. I didn't realize that was how you'd broken up with you last boyfriend. To be honest that's a pretty shitty thing to do."

He wiped away the tears that spill from Abby's eyes at his admission.

Hey, I'm not mad. And from what you've told me this Buck guy has been very understanding. But Abby I don't want you to regret never making things right between you." Sam wraps his arms around her and Abby cries into his shoulder.

That night Abby lies awake and goes over the memories of her and Buck's relationship of the conversation and how hurt Buck had been over the way she'd spoken to him. She thought over and over about what she had said and after talking with Carla Abby's excuse of being worried about losing herself to Buck sounded hollow and almost cruel.

Buck was the one who hadn't run away when he'd found out about Abby's mom, unlike Tommy. He'd been patient and understanding whenever Abby had to cancel or cut dates short. He had shied away from offering help when Abby's mom had a bad day.

She'd even told him the night she decided to leave to Ireland that Buck was the person who had helped her to start to find herself when she'd been drowing in her life as a first responder and carer to a dying mother.

He'd made her feel special and important and Abby had just thrown it all back in his face.

The realisation of this sits like lead in her stomach. Abby turns to look at Sam and watches the man she loves sleep. A man who would most likely be dead if Buck hadn't risked his life to save.

Abby knows that Sam and Carla were right, she needed to truly make amends with Buck.

Early the next morning Abby walks to the 118 firehouse and uses the time to thing over what she needs to say. The station doesn't look any different from the last time she'd been here, but so much has changed.

As she waits several cars pull up and when she looks up she sees Buck walking towards the station entrance bumping shoulders with another man. As they get close Abby recognises him as the firefighter she'd first spoken to the night of the accident.

"Abby?"

She shuffles her feet, " Hi buck."

The other firefighter claps Buck on the shoulder

"I'll tell cap you'll be a minute."

Bucks smiles after him as he walks away "Thanks Eddie."

Abby watches Eddie leave before turning back to Buck, she tries to smile but it comes out as an awkward grimace.

"Buck I," she paused, "I'm so sorry. Yesterday I should have apologized for how I treated you instead of making excuses I see that now. And I apologize for ghosting you, for leading you on when I knew I was never going to come back to you. It was wrong and I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I truly am. And maybe one day we could be friends again."

Buck sighs deeply, he curls into himself slightly and the change in posture makes him look oddly small.

"Abby I told you that I'm happy for you. And I meant it, I'm happy you've found a family and someone to love. And part of me I would like to be your friend." Buck tells her, voice quiet but sincere.

He shakes his head and straightens up. Standing tall Buck smiles that brilliant smile that still makes Abby swoon a little inside.

"But you know what Abby? You took me for granted and yesterday made me realize just how much. I loved you and I waited for you. But eventually I was done being your ghost and I've moved on too. And I'm happy without you. I've got a job that I love and I have a family full of amazing people who love me and I'm happy."

Buck's eyes a red and wet with tears and Abby can feel herself crying as well.

For a moment they stand face to face like they had done before Abby walked into the airport for her flight to Dublin so long ago.

Then Buck looks over his shoulder into the station and back again. He wiped a hand over his face and shrugs.

"I better go, my shift's already started."

It's a pretty clear dismissal and one Abby takes without complaint.

"Goodbye Abby Clark."

"Goodbye Evan Buckley."

And with that he heads inside without a backwards glance.

Several months later a week before Christmas Abby gets a card in the mail.

On the front is a picture of Buck and his friend Eddie, between them is a little boy with curly hair and bright blue glasses. Buck has a hand on the boys shoulder, a ring on his finger.

Inside (with large wobbly letters that have clearly written by a child) the card reads, 'Merry Christmas from the Buckley-Diaz family!'

And underneath in much smaller writing,is a mobile number that despite everything Abby never deleted and a single worded question, 'friends?'

[loveistherootofhappiness]

Written for Bathena Week Day 2

Word Count: 3654

Summary:  Rationale: this whole thing can be avoided with direct communication. Just ask what’s going on. May, Harry, & Buck: lol, nah.

Also read here.

XXXXX

Big, beautiful doe eyes look up at him, capturing his full attention. He unconsciously runs a hand through the soft curls of her hair, getting soft, happy gurgles in response. He can’t help but smile as he removes his hand from her hair and rubs his thumb against her warm brown cheek. She smiled and gave him what sounds like a giggle before grabbing his thumb in her grip.

“Bobby, I told you to get her packed up ten minutes ago. This is as far as you got?” Athena leaned over the arm of the couch resting her head on Bobby’s shoulder.  The baby, Mia’s, eyes left Bobby and turned their attention to the new person in her line of sight. Athena smiled at her.

“It’s not my fault she didn’t want to move, she’s quite comfortable right now.”

“She told you that, huh?”

“She can be very persuasive.” Athena hit him lightly on the shoulder and huffed out a chuckle

“Well, as much as she doesn’t want to she’s gonna have to. Her mama will be here any second.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, the doorbell rang. Athena turned back towards Bobby, “see.”

Athena went to the door to let in Mia’s mom, Braxton. Bobby got off the couch and tried to sit Mia down so he could finish packing her bag, she refused each time he tried, “okay, kid.” He made quick work of packing the baby bag on the coffee table, which only consisted of a few blankets, bottles, clothes, and toys. He could hear two people walking back into the living room.

“Hey Bobby,” Braxton greeted as he put the last of the items and zipped up the bag.

“Hey Braxton, I hope everything was okay with your wife.”

“Oh, it was. She just fell and broke her foot at work. Nothing serious, thankfully. They patched her up and released her. I dropped her off at home, before coming back.” She reached her hand out towards the baby, the baby shook her and laid her head in Bobby’s chest, “excuse me, then. Looks like she likes you,” Braxton smiled up at him, “but nope, I haven’t seen my baby girl all day. You’re coming with me, kid.” Braxton gently took Mia out of Bobby’s arms. Mia whined a bit but soon settled in her mother’s hold without much fuss. “Are you good now?” She kissed the top of her head, “I hope she wasn’t too much trouble.”

“Not at all. She was a dream.” Athena said with fondness.

“Yeah, she’s only that clingy towards people she really likes. So you two must have made an awesome impression on her,” She took the baby bag from Bobby and placed it on her shoulder. She looked towards the baby, who still had her eyes on them, and back at them. “Have you two thought about having a kid?” She decided to ask.

Bobby and Athena looked at Braxton with wide eyes at the seemingly random question. They looked at each other before looking back at the young woman in front of them. “You say that like we’re your age, Brax.” Athena said carefully.

“Like that matters. My younger brother just turned two a few months ago. When my mom remarried after my dad died, she and her hubby decided they wanted to have a baby together. They couldn’t do it naturally anymore, so they did IVF. It’s actually what gave me the courage to do it after I got married.”

Athena looked apprehensive. Bobby had an unreadable expression. “I don’t know...”

“Oh, I just talk without thinking sometimes. You know that, Sarg. I hope I didn’t overstep or anything. I just thought it would be something to think about. You guys are really good at this,” she started speaking rapidly, a quirk she had when she was nervous, “Or even adoption or fostering. I know a lot of kids would love to have parents like you guys. I don’t know, like I said, just something to think about, I guess,” her mouth snapped shut after that, thinking it best to just stop talking.

“It’s okay, Braxton. You didn’t say anything out of the way.” Athena assured her.

“And thank you for the compliment.” Bobby said with a smile.

Braxton felt a bit better and smiled back. “On that note, I’ve done enough putting my foot in my mouth for one day. I should be getting this little one home and getting back to Jemma.” They walked her to the door. Braxton stepped over the threshold and turned back to say, “thank you guys again for watching her. You really helped me out. I owe you guys.”

“No, you don’t. You asked, I accepted. We were happy to do it.”

“It was no problem at all,” Bobby told her.

“You guys are the best!” She looked down at her baby, “Can you say bye bye, nugget? Tell ‘em bye.” Braxton picked up Mia’s arm and waved it at them. “See ya tomorrow Sarg, til next time Bobby.” They said their good byes and waited until Braxton and Mia pulled off before going back in the house.

XXXXX

Later that night, what Braxton said to them earlier still ran through Athena’s mind. It wasn’t the first time that she’d been approached with the idea. She knows she’s said that she didn’t want to reset the clock another 18 years, especially given the fact that her oldest will be 18 soon, but the idea of something that her Bobby created together is rolling around in her head.

“Athena,” Bobby’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts she looked up to see him sitting on the edge of their bed waving her over, “come here.”

She walked over towards and allowed him to pull her into him. His hands settled on the small of her back, while hers wrapped around his neck. “I could hear you thinking from here, what’s on your mind?”

“Really? You sure what Braxton said earlier isn’t still on your mind.”

Sometimes, Athena really hated how well her husband knew her. She sighed, “I mean it’s something to think about.”

“Yeah it is. And it’s not the first time the idea had been thrown our way. It might be time to talk about it?”

She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, “I mean, do you want to? A kid together?”

“I’m not going to lie, a small version of us that has your eyes and smile has crossed my mind a time or three,” Athena went respond, “but like I told you in the beginning, I love may and Harry like they’re my own and I’m good with that. We don’t do anything you don’t want to do and not 100% on board with.”

“But you are open to the idea?”

“I am open to the idea. How are you feeling about it?”

“I don’t know, I like the idea, but there are a lot of things to consider here, May and Harry, first and foremost,” she knew that if they decided to do this, she’d wanted to at least get their opinions on it.

“I understand, it’s a lot to take in. I want to hope they’d be thrilled with the idea.”

“I do, too. I just don’t know how they’re going to react to me having another baby.”

“I guess after we decide what we want to do, we’ll see where their heads are at with the whole idea.”

“Absolutely.” She leaned in to kiss him. “So, we’ll cap this by saying we’re open to the idea of adding to the family.” Saying out it out loud the idea to take solid shape in her brain.

“We are open,” he agreed. She yelped in surprise when he placed her on the bed, “until we make a solid decision a little practice at trying couldn’t hurt.”

“I can’t seem to see the harm in that.” Her lips meet hers again.

XXXXX

Harry sat down next to Buck, who was playing video games in the loft at the station. May was on the other side of them scrolling through Instagram on her phone.

Buck had to call Harry’s name three times before he got his attention. Harry zoned back into what was happening around him “huh, what?”

“Dude, I asked if you wanted to play?” Buck studied the kid for a moment, “are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Harry folded his arms across his chest and sunk down into the sofa.

“He’s been like this for the last couple of days. “What’s going on with you?” May asked with genuine concern.

Harry thought for a moment on whether or not he should tell them. He knew he probably wasn’t supposed to know himself, but he also wanted someone else going through this with him.

He looked towards Bobby and his mom, who were across the room, talking. Buck and May followed his line of sight and looked back at him, more curious than before. “Okay, but you have to promise not to tell anybody. I’m pretty I’m not even supposed to know this.”

“Okay...” May and Buck reluctantly agreed and looked at each other.

Harry chanced one more glance toward his mom to make sure her attention wasn’t on them. He leaned in close and, in a lowered voice, said, “I think mom’s pregnant.”

The statement was followed by Buck choking on air and May giving Harry a skeptical look. “Harry, stop playing.” May told him.

“I’m not! I overheard them talking about it.” Harry defended.

“Wait, hold up, back up,” Buck jumped back in, face beet red, barely composed, “did you say Athena was pregnant? Athena? Like having a baby?”

“That’s what pregnant means Buck.” May told him, tone slightly sarcastic.

“I know it’s just. I mean Athena? Isn’t she-”

“I’m going to stop you right there.” May interrupted, knowing what was going to come out of his mouth didn’t need to be said. “Back to you,” she pointed towards Harry, “what makes you think mom’s pregnant?”

“Well...”

3 days prior...

It was late and Harry couldn’t sleep. He decided to go in his mom’s room and talk to her, as he usually did when this happened. He got out of bed and walked the short distance to her bedroom. He noticed the door was cracked and he heard his mom and Bobby’s voices slightly muffled voices inside.

“There are just a lot of things to consider here, May and Harry, first and foremost,” he heard his mom say. Harry tiptoed a little closer to the door.

“I understand, it’s a lot to take in, I want to hope they’d be thrilled with the idea.” He heard Bobby respond.

“I do, too. I just don’t know how they’re gonna react to me having another baby.”

Harry shocked, covered his mouth to hold in reaction and tiptoed quietly to his sister’s room to find her asleep. Not knowing what to do, he just returned to his room, being forced to mull over the idea of a new sibling alone. If he couldn’t sleep before...

“And you’re sure that’s what you heard?” May asked.

“It’s burned into my brain. Bobby and mom were talking about how we’d react to having a new baby in the house.”

“Oh my god. Oh my god! I can’t believe... I didn’t think... I mean... wow.” May sputtered.

“Wow is right. I can’t believe those two are going to have a baby.” Buck said thoughtfully. “I mean, are you though?”

“Are we what?” Harry asked.

“Okay with this, with Athena and Bobby having a baby?”

Harry and May thought for a moment. They’d never really thought about the idea before. “Yeah, I am.” May said.

“So am I,” May looked at his sister and smile. As he thought about it some more he started to frown. “Ah, man!”

“What?” May asked.

“With you going to college and stuff, they’re gonna want me to help out aren’t they?” Harry rolled his eyes, “I hope they won’t make me change any dirty diapers,” he said.

May clapped him on the back and looked him with sympathetic humor, “it’s mom, of course you’re not going to be that lucky. I wasn’t when you were born,” May conveniently left out the part where she actually wanted to help out and made their mom teach her things to help, “I was wondering when life was going to return the favor.”

Harry huffed in disgust and flopped back into the sofa cushions.

XXXXX

It had been a week, since Buck, May, and Harry talked about Harry’s discovery. They mutually decided not to say anything and let Athena and Bobby tell them when they were ready to. Since then, though, he started noticing signs he hadn’t seen before. Athena started coming by the fire house more. When he saw them together, they seemed a bit more affectionate, Bobby was a bit more attentive to her. What really sold it for him was when he’d come to their home for dinner a couple of days ago and Athena had gotten sick. He shuddered at the memory, but was coming to love the thought of having a baby around.

He was hoping them announcing it was the true purpose of tonight as he pulled up to the restaurant. It had been a week full of tough calls and Bobby had invited everyone out to refresh and celebrate a job well done. He exited the car and walked in the restaurant to find that he was the last to arrive, as always.

“About time you showed up, we were beginning to think you wouldn’t show,” Chimney commented as Buck walked over to the table.

“Ah, sorry. Traffic. You know how it is.” Buck took off her jacket and sat on the side of the table next to his sister, across from Athena.

“Yeah, yeah, sure.”

“So what’s up guys? What did I miss?” Buck eyed May as he picked up the glass of water, knowingly. She shook her head to indicate nothing had been said. Athena, having caught the look, looked between them both suspiciously.

“Nothing much, we’ve already ordered drinks. That’s all,” a few moments later a tall, lanky waiter brought the drinks to the table. Most of the drinks looked alcoholic for everyone else with Bobby ordering soda.

As he watched everyone have their drinks placed in front of them, he was about to stop the waiter to order his own when he saw the glass of wine being placed in front of Athena. She thanked the waiter and was about to take a drink when Buck, without thinking, took the glass from her and took a good swig out of it. He grimaced a bit at the taste, not being a big wine drinker.

Athena, not amused in the slightest, fixed him with a look that would probably send him straight to his grave if it could, “Evan, you have two seconds to tell me why you did that.”

“I- I, um, thought pregnant women couldn’t drink?” He said nervously, his words coming out as more of a question.

All side conversation at the table had ceased, everyone was looking at him in shock and/or confusion, including Athena, “I’m sorry, you thought what now?”

Buck was going to respond when May jumped in, “mom, you don’t have to hide it anymore, we know. Well, we figured it out.”

“Yeah, we’ve known about you being pregnant a while.” Harry commented.

“What?!” Bobby and Athena exclaimed at the same time, the volume drawing some attention from patrons at neighboring tables.

“Talk about secret keeping, you’re pregnant?” Hen asked her, voice dripping with humor. Similar questions were asked by everyone else.

“No! I’m not.” She looked looked between May, Harry, and Buck, “but seeing as this is something the three of you seem to have gotten in your heads, I’m curious as to why you guys would think that.”

Buck and May immediately turned to Harry, who grumbled at being the one who was chosen to explain. He sighed, “I overheard you guys talking about it.”

Athena looked at Bobby, Bobby just shrugged his shoulders, not knowing either. “When?” Bobby asked him.

“It was about two weeks ago. I was gonna come to your room to talk to mom when I over heard you guys talking. You were talking about how me and May would react to having another baby in the house.”

Athena grimaced remembering the conversation, “oh, baby, that’s not-“ she sighed, deciding now was as good a time as any to explain and figuring out how she could, “we did say that, but we didn’t mean it in that way.”

“I’m confused.” Harry told her.

“Earlier that day, the idea of having a baby together had been suggested. We were just talking about it, that’s all. It wasn’t about me being pregnant right now, just how you guys would react if we were to decide we wanted to add to the family.” Athena explained.

“So you’re not pregnant? But you’ve been sick,” Harry said.

“And you haven’t been drinking any wine lately,” May followed.

“That’s just because I’ve had a stomach virus, I’m okay now. I’m not pregnant. I promise,” Athena assured not only them, but everyone else. “Everything good now?”

“Yeah, it is.” Harry looked thoughtful for a second before saying, “you know, I kinda got used to the idea of having a baby in the house. I still didn’t wanna change any dirty diapers, though.”

“Yeah, me too, honestly,” May said.

“I was ready to have them around,” Buck said, “all the stuff I was gonna teach them.”

“Buck you can barely teach yourself,” Maddie countered jokingly.

Athena and Bobby looked at each other and smiled. “Well, it’s good to know all of you are on board with it,” Bobby told them all. “Nothing’s set in stone. If and when Athena and I decide it’s something we want to do, you’ll be the first to know. Sound good?”

Buck, May, and Harry agreed.

“And y’all know better than this. If you’ve got something on your mind or something you want to know, just ask me. We would have told you what was going on.” Athena told her children.

“It wasn’t that, mom. We just decided that weren’t going to say anything and just let you guys tell us when you wanted to, since we weren’t supposed to know anyway.” May told her. “We actually thought it was why all of we out tonight.”

“Still, next time just ask, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay, now that that’s cleared up. Let’s talk about these two glasses of wine that you owe for that stunt you just pulled.” Athena pointed star him. Buck had the good sense to look sheepish.

XXXXX

Athena sat in her doctor’s office, waiting. Since there had been so much discussion of the idea of child having lately, she decided to make an appointment with her OBGYN, just to discuss where she was as far as her options. She knew that she was still having her cycle regularly, so the option of conceiving naturally was not completely off the table. But she had to admit to herself the risks that would be involved with carrying a baby at her age. Especially given her last pregnancy wasn’t the easiest and it was over a decade ago. There’s a lot more wear and tear on her body now.

Her thoughts were broken at the sound of the door opening. “Mrs. Nash,” Athena was greeted by her doctor. “It certainly has been a while since I’ve seen you, you’ve gone through a new name change and everything.”

She twisted the rings on her finger and chuckled a bit, “yeah, I have.”

She walked to the desk in front of Athena and sat down across from her. “Alright, so as you know, I’ve run some tests. Though some of them will take a couple of days to come back, I have a couple of important one right here,” she held up the standard beige file folder, “I want to discuss with you.”

“Okay,” Athena said as she sat up a little straighter.

Her doctor opened the file and looked her in the eye, “well, Athena, it seems that we don’t have to discuss conception options anymore because you’re already pregnant.”

At that Athena began to laugh, clearly thinking the doctor was joking with her. They have known each other since she was pregnant with May after all, “good one. Now what did you really want to discuss?”

“I’m not joking. You are pregnant, Athena.” Seeing the serious look, all humor fell from Athena’s face and was replaced by shock.”

“You can’t be serious,” well this was unexpected, “let me see that.” Since the information in the file was hers and hers alone, the doctor didn’t have any issue handing Athena the file. Athena skimmed through the medical jargon and there, clear as day, a sentence saying that she was positive for pregnancy.

“This must be a mistake,” Athena said as looked back up towards the doctor. She didn’t know what to think. She and Bobby just started actually discussing the idea, nothing was supposed to happen this fast. These couldn’t be her tests results, it had to be a mix up.

“I assure you, Athena, that it isn’t,” she said as she held out her hand to get the file back, “it surprised me and I had the lab run them again to make sure, blood and urine, specifically. These are your results...” the doctor trailed off, or at least Athena thought she did. The words turned to white noise as Athena flopped back in her chair, mind wondering with a million possibilities. She was completely stunned, but she could feel the undercurrent of excitement fluttering. She was gonna have another baby, she and Bobby were going to have a baby.

Fan-cast: Jessica Parker Kennedy as Braxton.

This is a headcannon that’s near and dear to my heart. I think I’ll name them Ayesha and Amelia (a reference to another story of mine)

[theglowstickchronicles]

Guys, I was HELLA behind on FMLS90- but I'm still in it! Just caught up :) while I was waiting for the grocery store to open. Now I am off with my reusable bags to get my food for the week before coming home and continuing chores. I want to get as much done as possible before FOOTBALL starts!!! We're playing Kansas City at 4:25 today (@fatmaninalittlesuit I'm sure you'll be watching this game as well!) and I am SO NERVOUS. We have been... trash, lately. Last week's game was atrocious. I wish I had planned better and tried to go to the game, even though it would probably be crazy expensive and super cold, because my football buddies are in California on a mini vacation (their 3rd this season compared to my 0) and I only have local cable at home.

Anyway, here it is:

• 11/18 - How does holiday food play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any positive or negative traditions that impact your journey? Share one of both.

Well, this was probably supposed to be about Thanksgiving feasts but here we are on December 8th! Honestly, we don’t really have any “traditions” beyond getting together and sharing a meal. In hindsight this Thanksgiving was probably my best, calorie-wise, because my brother-in-law’s sister did most of the cooking and did a lot of sides with bacon incorporated into them and, since I’m vegetarian, I did not partake. I had some DELICIOUS food, don’t get me wrong, and she made a to-die-for caprese salad… but most of the apps had bacon and several of the sides. I ended up having cheese and crackers, french onion tartlets (SOOO GOOD), chips & dip, mashed potatoes, and a plethora of vegetable sides. It also helped that I had to work overnight Thursday into Friday so I couldn’t have any wine 

• 11/19 - How does holiday stress play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any especially stressful situations that make your physical or mental journey tough? How do / will you handle them?

Holidays don’t really stress me out, if we’re being honest. As of Dec. 6 I just need to pick up some alcohol and then some giftcards for my cousin’s kids, and I’m done Christmas shopping. I start my shopping November 1 every year. I don’t mind seeing my family -they’re dramatic, just like everyone else, but compared to my job? A few hours of family drama time is nothing. I do tend to hoard a bottle of wine to myself for the holidays but I’m not sober during non-holiday times, either, so that doesn’t really come into play.

• 11/20 - What role do family and friends play in your holidays? Are these mostly positive or negative? What do you want to change about this?

Mostly positives! I hosted my second annual Friendsgiving this year and it was fantastic. The one downside was I had been up for 44 hours but I think it went well. Honestly the only “downside” to friends/family during holidays is having to be in such close quarters with people because as much as I love them, someone inevitably has germs.

• 11/21 - Do you notice and physical / mental changes around this time of year? Do you have any strategies to deal with them?

I am always a sleepy bitch, but more so during the winter months due to the lack of sun. This M-F, not getting home till 5-6 every night, office has no window life is bullshit. We always jokes that nightshift never sees the sun but dude, until you’ve gone 5 days without sunlight, don’t even @ me. I am extra careful about taking my vitamins during this time of the year because I really do notice a difference in energy and mood without them (I have some vitamin deficiencies NOT related to my diet thank you).

• 11/22 - How do work / school commitments / events this time of year differ for you? Can this be used to your advantage in your fitness journey or are there steps you can take to minimize the challenges?

In the fall we have annual mandatory education at work which can be stressful but other than that, work does not change. This year was a little different because I picked up a second job and had orientation and have been working a lot to save up money for my many endeavors over the next 2 years (sister’s bridal shower / bachelorette /wedding, best friend’s bridal shower / bachelorette / wedding, everyone is turning 30 and wants to go all out -me included- wanting to go on more vacations, wanting to do a 29th birthday somethingl… the list is endless…. Lol)

• 11/23 - Do you have any plans to travel this year? If so, describe the challenges that creates and how you will handle them. If not, what can you do at home to set yourself up for success?

One semi-definite plan is my sister’s bachelorette in 2020! I don’t know when or where we’re going, but we’re going- which reminds me, I need to get my passport in case it ends up being Canada! I also would like to do a small trip for my 29th birthday. Originally I wanted to take a week off (I am close to vacation time caps at work) but we are OF COURSE having a new system go-live 6 days after my birthday and I’m like, top 5 most important people for the go-live. So we shall see. Perhaps a 3-day weekend for president’s day somewhere close?

• 11/24 - Share one tip with the community on how to stay healthy during the holidays.

I feel like any time I have to share a tip with the community I share the same one, but there it is: PREPARATION. For instance I have not meal prepped in 3 weeks and IT SHOWS. I’ve been feeling sluggish and gross, not working out like I should be, and not sleeping as well…. PREPARATION IS KEY!!!

• 11/25 - What are your general thoughts on gratitude and the role it plays in your mental health and happiness?

Being in healthcare puts a new perspective on gratitude. I’m answering this hella late so it’s not actually 11/25 and is several weeks post-Thanksgiving, but… yesterday I watched a daughter unexpectedly lose her mother in the worst possible way. She walked into the room and almost immediately told us to stop doing CPR. I am grateful for my family being here and healthy, I am grateful for my fellow healthcare providers, and I am grateful that this strong woman who was having the worst day of her life wanted one thing for her mother in the last moments of her life: peace.

• 11/26 - What are some past experiences I am grateful for? How did they shape my life for the better?

I am grateful for growing up the way I did. I can’t say I wouldn’t change things but being raised by who I was shaped me into who I am. I’m grateful I wasn’t just handed things and was forced to work for them. I was probably not super appreciative at age 16 when I had to pay for my own car, but as an adult I am SO happy that I learned the lesson of working hard.

• 11/27 - Who do I appreciate? Tell us about them and why you are grateful they are in your life.

Right now I am appreciating the nurse who took report from me last night! We’ll probably never meet again but thank you for listening to my rants, not judging my last-minute leaky IV (don’t worry, the patient had another one that worked fine), and for getting me out of there so quickly!

• 11/28 - It’s Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. Tell us what specifically you are Thankful for today.

On Thanksgiving I was grateful for friends, family, and awesome coworkers.

• 11/29 - What are some people / things I may be taking for granted? How can I better express my gratitude for these people / things in the future?

I sometimes take my dad especially for granted. I depend on him for things around the house that I don’t have the skills or knowledge to do, such as fix the deck or the running toilet or even hang things without punching a hole in the wall. In the future I want to express that I’d rather him teach me these things instead of just coming to do them.

• 11/30 - What are some future opportunities I have that I am grateful for?

Everyone’s wedding, and the Year of Turning 30 Extravaganza.

• 12/1 - Share one tip with the community on how to live life with at attitude of gratitude.

No one is grateful 100% of the time. I try to make it a point every day to think of what I have… friends, family, pets, house, car, food in my fridge, etc…. and remember that not everyone has those.

• 12/2 - Where are you on your personal mental health journey? What strengths and opportunities do you have?

The changing of the seasons, setting the clocks back, and the SNOW on December 1st took its toll. I am usually not a Christmas-decorations-the-day-after-Thanksgiving type of person, but this year that’s the day that worked for my family getting our trees (me, my dad, and my sister/brother in law all go together and my Dad drops the trees off with his pickup) so I decorated that weekend and began listening to Christmas music (Pentatonix, ayyyyy). It really HAS been a pick-me-up!!!

• 12/3 - What are some past experiences with mental heath work? What has worked well for you and what has not worked as well.

Personally? None. Professionally? Just what I give as a nurse.

• 12/4 - How is your mental health compared to a year ago? Are you remaining steady, improving or regressions? What do you need to do about it?

Well, this time last year I had been at my job for one day and had no idea what I was doing. Now I’ve been here for a year and know what I’m doing… 50% of the time? So my mental health has gotten better since I no longer feel like a fish out of water. It helps that I got a per diem at the bedside and have those opportunities to do direct patient care.

• 12/5 - How aware are you of your mental health? Are your your moods steady or do they ebb and flow? Are you aware when things are changing and do you have any experience / tips for heading off tough times?

Very aware of my mental health; you have to be, to survive in healthcare without getting serious burnout. I would say my moods ebb and flow, which isn’t abnormal. Tough times can be headed off by doing self care, and I don’t mean in the bath-bomb-face-mask type of way: do your laundry (and fold it straight out the dryer), wash the dishes, clean the house, meal prep… and maybe get a manicure.

• 12/6 - Have you noticed any patterns / cycles to your own mental health? Do the seasons, or specific holidays or other variables impact you in specific ways?

Not especially. Late fall / early winter tends to be hard due to the lack of sun, but I also have a vitamin D deficiency that for obvious reasons gets worse in the winter, and low vit D causes depressive symptoms.

• 12/7 - How are mental health and physical health connected? What are some of your experiences that show this in your life?

Well. In my personal and somewhat-work-related experience, being in poor physical health often has a negative impact on mental health. HOWEVER BEING IN POOR PHYSICAL HEALTH DOES NOT MEAN BEING OVERWEIGHT. Plenty of patients have normal BMIs and are in poor health, and plenty have BMIs that label them obese and are in good health. And being in good physical health does not mean you have good mental health. I guess what I want to say is that while they can influence one another, they are not directly correlated?

• 12/8 - Share one tip with the community about developing or maintaining your mental health.

Don’t let things pile up. And I mean that literally and figuratively. Clean your house and prep your food and for the love of God empty the trash from your car (no? just me?). But also… don’t dwell on things you cannot change, and don’t stew on things you can. Just do it. It will be worth the time, energy, and anxiety.

[kaffeinic]

60 Question Tag Challenge!

I was challenged by @woo-for-woojin to answer all of these. To be fair, I challenged her first, but let’s not get into the details. Original post of questions by @roseyygf.

1: Selfie.

GAAAAAAAH I HATE THIS ALREADY SMH IM SO UGLY.

Lmao look at my fingers. What the hell is going on there?

2: What would you name your future kids?

I feel like that’s a joint decision, so I can’t say. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll want to have my own kids through childbirth. My family has a genetic disposition to difficulties during pregnancy. I might adopt.

3: Do you miss anyone?

A few people. Some of them I haven’t even met in person. I miss my BFF from school. I miss a few people online that I’ve fallen out of touch with. I’m always missing people. 😂

4: What are you looking forward to?

College, and moving out of my house. I’ve been itching to do both of these for years now.

5: Is there anyone who can always make you smile?

@hoshithehamster, @woo-for-woojin, @a-toxic-galaxy, my BFF from school, and my older sister. Also, I swear, @hoshithehamster and I are literally are always TALKING IN CAPS LOCK BECAUSE WE ARE IDIOTS AND WE HAVE THE WEIRDEST, MOST FUN CONVERSATIONS EVER.

6: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

Once I’ve gone all-in, yeah. When it’s a crush, not usually. I’m really slow to develop a crush on someone. Painfully slow lol. I’m cautious because I’ve been hurt by people in that regard a few times. One incident had me suicidal for a long time.

7: What was your life like last year?

Kind of the same? I didn’t have this blog open. If you had asked this regarding two years ago, I would have said that I wasn’t homeschooling, didn’t know how to play piano much, didn’t have this blog, and was very depressed because of my old schoolmates.

8: Have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

YES! Whenever I feel stuck and know I have no control of a situation, I get frustrated and find a quiet place to cry.

9: Who did you last see in person?

I’m assuming this means out of my own household. The last person I saw was my older sister and her roommates, who I am really good friends with. One of them loves coffee as much as me and it’s great! I spent the night. That was over a month and a half ago lmao. Before that, I had gone on a date at a coffee shop.

10: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Yeah. My family gets angry at me if I’m sad or angry about anything, so I hold it all in. It definitely has made life a bit harder. I make people angry when I won’t disclose my feelings to them. I just find it to be better to hold it. I have to be really comfortable with you and really love you if I’ll tell you that I’m sad/angry and why.

11: Are you listening to music right now?

Yeah. It’s Le Pire by Maître Gims. He’s a really great French singer.

12: What is something you want right now?

If this is concerning food, I’m in the mood for chicken right now lol. I need some protein. Aside from food, I’m wanting to get a pedal for my electric piano. I have no sustain and it ruins a lot of songs. 😂 It’s why I have my ko-fi open.

13: How do you feel right now?

Meh. I’m not feeling great. I have some issues with fainting. My blood pressure drops like a rock at times and I feel it coming on, if you know what I’m saying. It’s this kind of lethargic, sick feeling. I’m trying to drink a lot of water, just in case it’s about dehydration.

14: When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

When I last visited my favourite coffee shop. For those of you who read Caffeinic, Chan’s character design is a mix of his true personality and a barista at my café of choice. He always gives me a hug when I see him, and when I say good bye. 😊

15: Personality description?

For a quick description, I’d say that INFJ, which is my MBTI type, is really accurate for me. I’ll let one of my friends try to describe me. I’m bad at describing myself lol.

Okay, but my heart is combusting. This amazing hooman, I lob her so much!!!! One of my best friends for sure.

16: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

All the time. I’m sure you all have heard Fight Song by Rachel Platten, but that line where she says, “And all those things I didn't say // Wrecking balls inside my brain // I will scream them loud tonight // Can you hear my voice this time?” really resonates with me. It was that lyric that hooked me on this song.

17: Opinion on insecurities?

I think 90% of us have them. They are humbling, which can be good, but I urge you to know your worth. I’m such a hypocrite.

18: Do you miss how things were a year ago?

Not really. Not much has changed.

19: Have you ever been to New York?

No, but I’d love to visit! I’m from the west coast lol.

20: What is your favourite song at the moment?

Ramai by Delia & The Motans. I listen to a lot of different languages in music lol. I have no idea what any of it means, so if it’s inappropriate, I apologize.

21: Age and birthday.

Internationally, 18. May 3, 2001.

22: Description of crush.

I don’t think I have a crush???? Haha. There’s this really kind, pretty hot barista at the café who seems to like me but I’m avoiding relationships, so idk. He has green eyes and black, curly hair. He’s maybe 170-180cm, but I’m not entirely sure. He looks damn good in a button up, I... wow. 🥵

23: Fear(s)?

So many lmao. I’m afraid of some trivial things, like bugs and rollercoasters, but I’m also afraid of some different items, like never having a family of my own, or of not being able to achieve my dreams.

24: Height?

154(?)cm. About 5’1.”

25: Role model?

I don’t think I have one lmao. I just try to be the best person I can be. It’s a goal in life for me to be a truly good person.

26: Idol(s).

Aren’t Idols and Role Models pretty much the same thing..? 😂 To be general, I look up to those who have studied in medical school because I know it’s a rollercoaster of difficulties and debt. I applaud them.

27: Things I hate:

This could be a very long list. Let’s go:

Unnecessary rudeness/bullying

Being forced into things I don’t like and/or am afraid of doing

Being lied to

Being stolen from

Being thrown in awkward situations

Being denied my alone time

When people make a mess that I have to clean

When I cook for people and they don’t thank me. My face just scrunched in anger while I typed this one lmao.

Arrogant/egotistic people

So many more, but I’ll cut it off there. 😊

28: “I’ll love you if...”

OOF. There’s no specific thing someone could do. If you love me, I’ll love you. I don’t mean the “awe ily” kind of love. I mean the “I will keep you out of trouble and protect you and be around you only to enjoy your company because I love you” kind of love. True love. Not that artificial crap.

29: Favourite film(s)?

Room 1408 is really good haha. I also really liked A Simple Favour. I like a lot of movies lmao. Superhero movies are always good.

30: Favourite tv show(s)?

I watched a lot of Black Mirror before we got rid of Netflix. I watch Superstore and Brooklyn 99 like they’re the gospel. I’m always down for Gilmore Girls because it’s a classic. I often watch my old childhood shows like Danny Phantom.

31: 3 random facts.

I’m assuming you mean, “3 random facts about me” lol.

I play piano.

I read “too much.” Let’s be honest, is it even possible to read too much?

I write my own stories and songs all of the time.

32: Are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Oof. My absolute closest friends are girls, but the majority of people I would consider my friends are male.

33: Something you want to learn.

Everything I can about medicine. I’m so interested in it, and I love the idea of fixing someone’s body. I’m fascinated by the weird and/or nasty things about our bodies. I hope that doesn’t sound too weird. I also wanna learn how to use a French press lmao.

34: Most embarrassing moment?

I had been selected to perform in a talent show a few years back for my old school and I got up there, face planting on the floor. Halfway through the song, I froze up and forgot the lyrics. I have never forgotten that.

35: Favourite subject?

Any form of science or Language Arts.

36: 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

Become a doctor.

Write a song that someone can perform onstage.

Clock in my 10,000 hours in piano.

Extra: I want to learn violin so badly!

37: Favourite actor/actress?

Jennifer Aniston or Nicolas Cage probably. I don’t pay much attention to actors. I also love Jeremy Renner’s work!

38: Favourite comedian(s)?

Oh lord, this question was made for me. Randy Feltface, Samuel J. Conroe, TwoSet, Ross Lynch, and many, many more!

39: Favourite sport(s)?

Volleyball, baseball, and badminton. Low/no-contact sports lol.

40: Favourite memory?

I can’t think of a specific one, but my best memories are always those random, funny moments I have with friends. I don’t think I’m ever gonna forget when my friend and I named one of her plants for the first time. I made a plant family tree. Dear lord save my soul.

41: Relationship status?

Single~

42: Favourite book(s)?

THAT IS THE HARDEST QUESTION EVER! How can I be expected to answer this???? 😂 I don’t have a favourite.

43: Favourite song ever?

Is this q&a list crafted specifically for me to not be able to answer any of the questions? 😂 I don’t have one. It changes with time.

44: Age you get mistaken for?

People always think I’m younger than I am, but if they don’t, then they over shoot it. Most people think I’m 16, or as old as 20-22. It’s crazy lol.

45: How you found out about your idol.

I’m going to interpret this as how I found out about my ult bias, who is Chan from Stray Kids. I was surfing SoundCloud and found the 3racha page. There wasn’t much there, but I liked what they had recorded. From then, I saw some of their survival show and may have kind of fallen for Channie and his personality lmao. Whoops.

46: What my last text message says.

This is the one I got while I was answering this specific question. 😊

“I feel that. I do hate unrealistic stories or stories that go on to fast like. I want to read stories where I feel like the reader could be me and not some sort of perfect girl getting the attention of all the people and fell in love withing 3 seconds and marry. I know that there must be some drama and special things to keep the story going and that's OK but I really appreciate stories who are still based more on a normal life. And you really do a good job in writing normal life stories // And tbh no story made me as happy as your barista!Chan story. It really is something different and I love it.”

Idk if the sender would be okay with me sharing that it was them, so I just copied it lol. I truly do love the feedback I get from you guys! Thank you all so much~~!

47: Turn-ons?

I’m assuming - again - that you mean romantically? I’ve always liked someone who has a decent sense of humour. Whenever I see someone working hard at their job/studies, part of me finds it... sexy? Idk. I’m weird. Save me. 😂

48: Turn-offs?

Overconfidence is a big no-no. It’s annoying as well. I can’t stand someone who truly is an idiot. Nothing turns me off more than getting a text that’s barely legible with a million abbreviations. Speak to me like someone with a brain, please. Another big turn-off is someone who is just automatically very sexual. I’m not a super sexual person, and I don’t want to hang out with someone who has a one-track mind in that sense.

49: Where I want to be right now.

The café.

50: Favourite picture of your idol?

But... he’s so pretty? How??

Sorry. I do not own these gifs/photos of Chan~

51: Star sign?

Taurus..? Idk if that’s for horoscopes lol.

52: Something I’m talented at.

Mmmmmm idk. I’m pretty mundane. I read a lot. I really would love to say I’m talented at piano, but I just don’t think I’m there yet.

53: 5 things that make me happy.

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...” Sorry.

Classical music

The smell of an old book

Petrichor and/or rainstorms

Playing piano

The smell of coffee

54: Something that���s worrying me at the moment.

Everything?? 😂 I’m worried about affording college tuition at the moment. I’m a senior and it’s steadily approaching.

55: Tumblr friends?

I almost yeeted my phone across the room. This is my question. 😂

@hoshithehamster, my fellow plant mother. I think we are each other’s spirit animal lol. I love you more than you know~! As a side note: She’s model material, I swear! Soooooo pretty, inside and out!

@woo-for-woojin, the most adorable and thoughtful person ever?? Always a pleasure to speak to. She gives the coolest and cutest requests ever, I’m-

@a-toxic-galaxy, one of the first people who supported this blog. I love you so much! We both have gotten a little busy lately, but I hope we never fall out of touch.

@doubleknot42, I guess more of an acquaintance? I still really want to get to know her more. The content on her blog is amazing, I highly recommend.

@ethereal-chanracha, someone who I’ve just recently started talking to. We’ve learned so much about each other in such a short time and I already think she’s so awesome! If you’re down for a good conversation, hit her up.

@palemoonpersephone, a friend I made after writing a post about my experiences at school. She is one of the sweetest, most thoughtful and hardworking people I’ve ever met. She offered to be my friend if ever I need one, and I don’t regret it. 💕

56: Favourite food(s).

Homemade granola (I make it a lot.)

Salad (Don’t @ me. I really do enjoy salad. I’m much more of an herbivore. 😂)

Most types of Chinese chicken

This spicy noodle thing I think I invented?

Italian sandwiches

Any type of spicy chip (Takis, Hot Cheetos, etc...)

Plain white rice

Gochu jang flavoured chicken

Despite this list, know that I’m a very picky eater lol

57: Favourite animal(s).

Foxes

Doggos

CATS

White tigers

HEDGEHOGS OML

58: Description of my best friend.

Y’all probably know who this is, but...

Kind

Attentive

Smart

Pretty

Passionate

gOOFY (like me)

The best plant mother in existence??? Fight me.

Patient

Empathetic

And SO much more~~!

59: Why I joined tumblr?

Initially, just to find cool posts and like/reblog whatever I enjoyed. My main blog, @assainfj, is the same blog I started with lol. It’s now become a place for me to share my thoughts and my writing and to meet amazing hoomans.

60: Ask me anything you want.

YASSSSS PLEASE I love answering your questions~~~~~! Send in as many as you’d like!

~

I tag: @hoshithehamster • @a-toxic-galaxy • @palemoonpersephone • @doubleknot42 • @ethereal-chanracha & anyone else who wants to do this!

[whumphoarder]

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

A/N: This is the extended version of the drabble I posted a couple days ago, now including the formerly cut crack-ish lead-up to that scene. I wasn’t originally going to post it, but @xxx-cat-xxx​ and @sallyidss​ changed my mind lol

Summary: Following a mission, a blizzard strands the Avengers together in a small cabin somewhere in rural Minnesota. Peter can’t sleep because of broken ribs. Tony can’t sleep because of shitty coffee.

Word count: 1,698

Genre: Fluffy angst, whump, hurt/comfort, humor(?)

Link to read on Ao3

“Here we are,” Clint announces. He slaps his hand at the light switch on the wall. A single bare bulb in the middle of the ceiling flickers to life, illuminating the cabin’s interior. “Mi casa es su casa.”

Peter stumbles in, letting his gaze travel around the one-room structure. The windows have all been boarded up, the paint is peeling off the walls, and there’s a strong smell of mold in the air. There is an array of mismatched furniture in varying states of disrepair, including two twin bunk beds, a wooden rocking chair, and a hideously floral patterned futon that looks to be straight out of the seventies.

“Su casa should be condemned...” Tony mutters, sidestepping around Peter further into the room.

With one arm slung across Natasha’s shoulders for support, Sam comes limping in next, his other hand braced against his bandaged side. He lets out a grunt as she deposits him down on the futon. “Shit, man...” he groans, stretching out on the mattress. “I think we finally found something lumpier than Cap’s gravy.”

Steve is standing just off to the side, stomping snow off his boots. “One time,” he grumbles. “That was one time...”

Natasha smirks. “To be fair, Bruce broke a tooth.”

Peter shoots his mentor a questioning look.

Tony just rolls his eyes. “Don’t even ask, kid,” he mutters. “This is why I don’t go to team dinners.”

A strong gust of wind slams the rickety door shut behind Peter with a bang. Dust and bits of plaster rain down from the ceiling. That, combined with the fresh whiff of mold he inhales, sets him off on a coughing fit. Tears instantly spring to Peter’s eyes as each hack sends fiery daggers of pain through his already injured ribs.

Smiling broadly, Thor gives the kid a few hearty thumps on the back.

(Peter nearly faints.)

“Yo Legolas, before we trekked two miles through the woods in a raging blizzard to get here, I distinctly remember you saying you were taking us to a ‘safehouse’,” Tony says, opening the metal door of an ancient-looking cast iron furnace. He pokes at the pile of ash inside. “This place is neither safe, nor a house.”

Clint crosses his arms over his chest. “It’s got four walls, a toilet, and at least eighty percent of a roof,” he defends. “That automatically makes it better than half the safehouses SHIELD has assigned me over the years.”

Natasha hums in agreement.

Despite all Tony’s grumbling, he soon gets right to work building a fire in the stove. Peter shuffles over and watches his mentor fiddle with the kindling for a minute or so before he finally gives into exhaustion and lowers himself down onto the nearest bunk bed. Pain flares in his chest at the movement, but releases a bit once he’s still again.

Clint takes a large plastic tub out from behind the futon and removes the lid to reveal that it’s stuffed to the brim with old quilts and hand crocheted afghans. He pulls one from the pile and tosses it at Peter.

“Mr. Barton, why do you own a cabin in Minnesota?” Peter can’t help but wonder as he catches the musty-smelling quilt. “I thought Mr. Stark said you lived in Iowa.”

“I do, but Laura’s parents have had this place in their family for decades,” Clint explains. “It’s perfect for hunting season—Cooper and I were up here for two weeks last fall.” He grins. “Nothing says father-son bonding time quite like gutting your first deer together.”

“Indeed,” Thor muses. “I still recall Father guiding me and Loki through our first disembowelment.” He smiles fondly at the memory. “We were six at the time.”

“You disemboweled a deer at age six?” Peter balks at him.

“No, no,” Thor chuckles. “Not a deer—a prisoner.”

They continue on like that for the next half hour, the team bantering back and forth as they work to make the drafty cabin a little cozier. The blizzard howls outside and Peter’s ribs still ache dully, but surrounded by his team, he somehow feels safer than he has in months.

X

Pain is what wakes Peter from his sleep. He lies there on the thin mattress, disoriented and confused, until the day’s events start flooding back to him. He recalls the team’s earlier mission, the subsequent blizzard that’s stranding them somewhere in northern Minnesota, and making the trek from the grounded Quinjet to the small cabin.

The dull ache in Peter’s ribs from the hit he took earlier has graduated to an inescapable throbbing now. It’s starting to make him feel sick.

Realizing there’s no way he’s going to be able to fall back asleep without some assistance, he gingerly pushes himself up to sitting. He’s grateful that the howling wind outside masks the whimpers that escape as he slips past his sleeping teammates, towards the cabin’s adjoining kitchen.

Peter pushes the kitchen door open and enters as quietly as he can. His hand fumbles around on the wall for the light switch and he flips it on, blinking at the sudden brightness. “What are you doing up?” Peter startles a bit at the voice. Tony is standing over the counter in the cabin’s small kitchen, spooning instant coffee granules into a mug. His eyes are bloodshot and he sways on his feet as he stands. “Just wanted a glass of water…” Peter mumbles. And a buttload of ibuprofen, he adds silently. Tony frowns at the way Peter is bracing his arm against his chest. “You told me they were bruised.” “I mean, they definitely are bruised,” Peter defends, glancing down at his ribs. “...They’re just maybe also broken?” He rubs at the back of his neck sheepishly. “And, uh, they kinda might be healing weird.” “Jesus, kid...” Tony mutters, rubbing a hand over his face in exasperation. He makes a beckoning gesture with his fingers. “Alright, let’s see ‘em. Shirt up.” “I mean, it’s not like we can do anything about them anyway...” Peter points out as he shuffles over. “I’ll be the judge of that,” Tony mutters back. He lifts Peter’s sweatshirt up and gently runs his fingertips over the mottled bruises covering his ribcage. Peter bites his lip hard to keep from whimpering. “Alright, we’ll have Cho look at them when we get back,” Tony decides after a few seconds of prodding. “‘kay,” Peter gasps out, rolling the sweatshirt back down. “Are they healing wrong?” Tony shrugs. “No idea,” he admits. “But you’re breathing alright and nothing seems to be punctured or hideously deformed, so that’s a good sign.” Peter huffs out a short laugh. “Awesome.” Locating a bottle of painkillers from the open medkit on the counter, Tony shakes out four tablets and hands them over. Peter swallows them down gratefully. “Alright Underoos, back to bed before those wear off,” Tony instructs. Peter watches as his mentor picks the spoon back up from the counter and resumes his coffee making. “Uh, Mr. Stark?” he asks tentatively. “Are you… okay?” Something flashes across Tony’s features, but it’s gone before Peter can place it. “I’m fine, kid,” he dismisses with a hand wave. “You’re making instant coffee at like, three in the morning,” Peter points out. “I wanted coffee,” Tony huffs. Peter narrows his eyes at his mentor. “But last week you told me someone could brew a pot of coffee, drink it, piss it out, and then drink that piss again and it would still be better than instant coffee.” “Yeah well I don’t exactly see a Starbucks around here, do you?” Peter hesitates for a moment, taking in his mentor’s haggard face and the bags under his eyes. He honestly looks like he could keel over at any moment. Tony heaves out a tired sigh. “What, kid?” And then all at once, Peter understands. The mission that day—the battle, the aliens, the wormhole—it’s triggered something in his mentor. He can’t sleep because he can’t afford to dream. Peter swallows hard. “It’s okay, Mr. Stark,” he whispers. “I already know about the nightmares.” All traces of humor dissolve from Tony’s features. His words come out in a broken whisper. “Pete. Just go back to bed. Please.” Peter nods. “Okay.” Quietly, he slips back out of the kitchen and into the cabin’s one main room. Over the muffled sounds of the howling blizzard outside, he can hear the crackle of the dying flames in the fireplace and the snores of his sleeping teammates scattered throughout the room. He’s just easing himself back onto his bunk when an idea occurs to him. A moment later, Peter re-enters the kitchen, ignoring the protests from his ribs as he drags two flimsy mattresses in after him. Tony’s eyes go wide and he half-chokes on the mouthful of coffee he’s just sipped. “What are you doing?” he demands in a hoarse whisper. “Sleeping out here with you,” Peter says simply. Wincing as he carefully lowers himself down to the floor, he goes on, “That way, if either of us should have a nightmare, the other person can just wake him up right away and no one else needs to know.” Tony sighs. “Look, kid, I appreciate the thought, but–” Peter locks eyes with his mentor. “Please, Mr. Stark? I’m never gonna be able to sleep knowing you’re in here, dead on your feet, drinking freeze-dried piss-coffee all night.” It’s a long moment before Tony lets out a deep exhale. “Fine,” he grunts. He flips off the light and plops down on the remaining mattress. “But only because you probably shouldn’t be lifting more than ten pounds and I don’t feel like dragging these things back.” Peter stretches out on the mattress. “Pretty sure enhanced people get enhanced restrictions,” he mutters sleepily. “Could probably still lift a car, but just like, a smaller one.” He hums to himself. “Maybe a Beetle. Or like, a Toyota Corolla…” “Hey kid?” “Yeah?” “Shut up.” Peter grins. “Alright, Mr. Stark."

Fic Masterlist

For more heartfelt Tony & Peter moments, try Give the Kid an Oscar

[periilune]

Answer all 200

damn okay you asked for it:

(this was asked a long time ago and its just being posted now bc its 200 fuckin questions f u kars jk love you)

1. What is your middle name?

Elizabeth

2. Do you have any nicknames?

Liz, Laur, Lau, Squid, Koala, Rhyne, Babe

3. Do you have any allergies?

Not to my knowledge

4. What is the longest your hair has ever been?

Too long,, like I could sit on it

5. Apple or PC?

PC

6. Favorite flavor?

In general probably some kinda cheese but for sweet stuff is cookie dough

7. Have you ever been on a blind date?

Bold of you to assume I’ve even been on a date (no I haven’t)

8. Are you friends with any of your exes?

2 of them actually!

9. What kind of car do you drive?

I can’t even drive,, but I have a Toyota Avalon waiting for me when I can

10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?

It really depends, I’m very correct when texting adults, decent when texting acquaintances, absolute disaster with good friends

11. What foreign country would you most like to visit and why?

Probs the UK or Italy, the UK bc I have several friends there and its very nice, and Italy for good food and good views

12. Creamy or chunky peanut butter?

Creamy all the way

13. Favorite food to pig out on?

Pizza

14. DC or Marvel?

Marvel!

15. Disney or Nickelodeon?

God idk,, probably Nickelodeon

16. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer?

Yes, one from Kiawah Island (very nice place) and a couple random ones

17. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it?

The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan, considering that was like my 3rd time reading it yeah I do

18. Do you read any magazines?

Nah

19. Coffee or tea?

Not a fan of either, I guess I’d pick coffee

20. What is your go-to Starbucks drink?

Red Velvet Frappucino

21. How many things can do with your weaker hand?

Oh You Know ;) in all honestly not much, I can catch because I used to play softball

22. Last show you binge watched?

Currently binge watching My Hero Academia!

23. Dogs or cats?

Cats

24. Favorite Disney princess?

Mulan or Moana I think

25. Do you like fast food?

Generally yeah

26. Favorite thing to cook for yourself?

Pasta and some type of garlic or cheesy or toasted bread

27. Favorite song to sing in the shower?

Currently Morning in America by John Bellion

28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone?

I don’t think so

29. iPhone/iPad or Android?

Android

30. Any styles of music you do not like?

Most country tbh, excluding John Denver n Carrie Underwood they’re both great

31. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same gender? If so, did you like it?

Not quite, but pretty close. We were dating so I’d say I liked it

32. Have you ever gotten a ticket while driving?

I can’t drive so no!

33. Favorite emoji?

💖 or 🍒 I think

34. Showers or baths?

Showers for convenience, but the occasional bath is nice to relax

35. Is there anything you regret buying?

Some clothes I have I don’t like, my fake airpods that don’t work

36. Are you fluent in more than one language?

Not yet, but I’m learning Spanish!

37. Any movie(s) you can watch over and over again and enjoy just as much every time?

Black Panther, The Last Unicorn, any of The Lord of the Rings trilogy

38. What is the heaviest you have ever weighed?

Around 155-160 pounds

39. Do you have any tattoos? If so, how many and where?

Not yet

40. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?

Yep.

41. Favorite school subject?

I used to love English but not so much anymore, right now in in Psychology and its really cool tbh

42. Favorite non-chocolate candy?

Fuckin uh,, airheads are pretty good

43. Name one celebrity you dislike.

Johnny Depp is a shitty abuser.

44. If you could have one superpower, which one would you most like to have?

Telekinesis I think

45. From 1-10, rate your singing ability.

7

46. From 1-10, rate your dancing ability.

3

47. From 1-10, rate your cooking ability.

7

48. From 1-10, rate your driving ability.

1

49. Are you religious?

I’m really not sure, I was raised religious but I’m questioning a lot atm

50. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite?

Yep, I like Cherry Coke

51. Have you ever locked your keys in your car?

No, but I’ve been with someone who has

52. Spring or autumn?

Autumn

53. Do you play any sports?

Not now, but I’ve played soccer, softball, and basketball in the past

54. Can you play any musical instruments?

Nope

55. Are you more introverted or extroverted?

Introverted

56. How easily do you cry?

My dude,, so easily

57. Last musical artist you saw live?

My Lord and Savior Avi Kaplan

58. Favorite YouTube channel?

Not 2 be That person but I genuinely like Markiplier tbh

59. Star Wars or Star Trek?

Star Wars

60. How long have you known your best friend?

Well 1 of them funnily enough our moms knew each other when he was a baby and I was unborn, but we really met in 6th grade. My other best friend I met  about 3 years ago :)

61. Have you ever voted for a reality show?

I think so

62. Last CD you bought? uhhhhh maybe a pentatonix cd dunno which one 

63. Have you ever ended a romantic relationship?

Nope I’m the one who gets dumped 

64. Have you ever been broken up with? See above (3 times) 

65. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show? Nah 

66. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person?

A year and 3 months currently, and yes

67. Have you seen any Broadway plays or musicals?

Nope 

68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical?

Yes! I’ve been in The Wizard of Oz (twice!), Little Shop of Horrors, Seussical the Musical, and the Little Mermaid 

69. How flexible are you?

Not very 

70. Have you ever sexted? Yes…  

71. Do you own any clothes from garage sales or thrift stores?

Yep 

72. Real or fake Christmas trees?

We’ve had a fake one my whole life, but I’d like to have a real one some day

73. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2-3 

74. How well can you write in cursive?

Not great, but I can get the job done 

75. What is your political affiliation?

Not officially affiliated, but rather left 

76. Do you like any boy bands?

The Backstreet Boys duh

77. Have you ever broken any bones?

Just a couple small ones in my toe 

78. Have you ever gotten any stitches?

Nah 

79. Do you have any piercings in places other than your ears?

Not yet

80. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it? One of my favorite pairs of shorts is pretty old 

81.Do you like wearing hats?

Depends on the hat, I have a handful of baseball caps I like 

82. Have you ever dyed your hair?

At one point I had the tips dyed purple, but now I regularly dye it to make it slightly lighter and redder 

83. From 1-10, how competitive are you?

Like 8 probably, I’m not very athletic but I’m competitive about other things   

84. How long have you been at your current job?

Since November 2017   

85. Have you ever studied abroad?

Nope 

86. Phrase you say the most?

“Oof” 

87. Have you ever quit a job?

Nah 

88. Have you ever gotten fired from a job?

Nah 

89. Have you ever won a trophy? If so, what for?

Yes! For cheerleading competitions, 3rd place in making a video for a club, in a soccer tournament, and probably some others idk 

90. Have you ever been a Boy/Girl Scout?

I was a girl scout but that was a while ago 

91. Last thing that made you laugh?

Uhh last night some dumb meme my boyfriend showed me

92. Do you eat meat?

Yes

93. Are you more of a morning or a night person?

Night person, but I’m also old so it’s hard to stay up late

94. Worst habit?

Chewing fingernails, isolating myself from people when I’m sad

95. Deepest fear?

Uhhh that everyone who says they care about me is actually lying and talking about me behind my back

96. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yeah pretty much

97. If you could take home any animal from the zoo, what animal would you take?

An otter! I love them

98. Do you consider rapping singing?

I wouldn’t say it’s singing bc its different, but it’s certainly an art form and it has every place in the music industry

99. Favorite costume you wore for Halloween? How old were you?

When i was a ninja that was sick, i was probably 12-13

100. Favorite store to shop at?

For clothes? Maybe Plato’s Closet (nice secondhand place) but I also do a lot of online shopping

101. Have you ever given anyone CPR?

No

102. Favorite Pokémon?

Cresselia is dope but also Eevee

103. Do you own any homemade clothing?

Probably

104. Do you drink alcohol at all? If so, what is your drink of choice?

I’ve drunk once, vodka mixed with Hawaiian punch and it was p good

105. Have you ever skinny dipped?

No i’m fat

106. Favorite type of cookie?

Warm chocolate chunk

107. Favorite flavor of ice cream?

Oreo or chocolate chip cookie dough. The best thing i’ve ever had was a red velvet oreo milkshake tho

108. Biggest pet peeve?

When people interrupt or ignore me

109. Are you still friends with anyone from high school?

I mean I just graduated so yes

110. Favorite literary character?

Oohhhh, maybe Sam from LoTR? He was the realest friend ever

111. Are your birth parents still together?

Yeah

112. Do you wear or have your ever worn glasses?

Nope, 20/20 babeyyyy

113. How many of your Facebook friends do you actually hang out with?

Like 6, one of those being my mom lol

114. Have you ever been the victim of a prank?

Not that I can remember

115. Do you belong to a fraternity or a sorority?

No

116. Have you ever taken a nude selfie?

perhaps..

117. Are you adopted?

No

118. Favorite fandom?

Ugh fandoms r gross, maybe the rwby fandom? 

119. Oldest memory?

Trying to strangle myself at pre-school aged 4 lmaoooo

120. Have you ever snorted when you laughed?

A couple times

121. Can you drive stick?

Can’t drive at all!

122. Favorite Disney song?

How Far I’ll Go, or maybe Go The Distance

123. Random boy’s name.

Leo

124. Random girls’ name.

Natalie

125. How often do you eat out at a nice restaurant?

Once a month? Not often, I’ve done it twice in 3 days recently tho bc it was my birthday

126. How many people are in your nuclear family?

3, me and my parents

127. What accent do you consider the most attractive?

Gosh, not to be basic but probably British, although I don’t really know many others

128. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?

INFP i think? Maybe INFJ

129. What is your astrological sign?

Leo! (capricorn moon and cancer rising)

130. Biggest regret?

Trying to make someone care again who had no intention of doing so

131. What type of shoes do you wear the most?

My checkered vans, I swear I wore them every day of senior year

132. Do you like any soap operas?

No

133. Do you listen to talk radio?

Not often

134. What sports team(s) do you root for?

SF Giants, Carolina Panthers, Charlotte Hornets, Duke, Kentucky

135. Describe your sense of humor.

Ridiculously stupid, inside jokes

136. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender?

Yeah, my ex-girlfriend lmao

137. Favorite video game?

Overwatch

138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasantly surprised.

When i got a mf perfect score on my ACT

139. Do you believe in serendipity?

I had to look that up but I guess so

140. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was done?

I don’t think so, one time the movie malfunctioned and cut off like an hour in and we had to leave

141. Have you ever felt you were born in the wrong period of history?

Nah, everything has always sucked, but now is somewhat less sucky than before bc we have the internet

142. Is sex before marriage wrong?

No

143. Have you ever gotten a song you dislike stuck in your head?

Yes omg, fuckin Girls Like You, fuck you Adam Levine

144. Can you handle spicy food?

Only slightly spicy

145. Have you ever called a non-lover a term such as darling, honey, babe, or dear?

I call my friend Ryker babe all the time, and call most of my friends “love”

146. Do you like MTV?

Nah not really

147. Where on your body are you the most ticklish?

Probably ribs area

148. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?

The Princess Bride is so quotable, so maybe that idk, I quote memes more than anything

149. Have you ever lived with a roommate you didn’t get along with?

Can I say my parents? I’ve never lived not in my house, but I’m about to go to college and I hope I like my roommate

150. Where do you think is the best place to meet a new lover?

Either school or through mutual friends?

151. Have you ever successfully been on a diet?

I mean I’ve lost weight but it wasn’t a diet, just not eating lol

152. Favorite thing to do outside?

Have a photoshoot, jk I love looking at flowers, also swimming is good

153. Where did you go on your last vacation?

Kiawah Island, for grad week

154. Do you say “y'all” at all?

Yes, I live in the south and started using it ironically but now I can’t stop

155. Have you ever lived on a farm?

No

156. Do you believe in evolution?

There’s scientific evidence for it, so yes

157. What TV channel do you watch the most?

Honestly HGTV those houses are awesome

158. Favorite Beatles song?

Hmmmm, Maybe A Day In The Life or Eleanor Rigby, I Am The Walrus is always good too ngl

159. Have you ever been on TV?

On like the local channels for school awards and such

160. Have you ever been to Disney World or Disneyland?

I went to Disneyland last summer!

161. Do you like horror movies?

Not really, I’m a pussy

162. Do you like to go fishing?

No

163. Have you ever been hunting?

No

164. Do you take medication for anything?

Yes, for ye olde depression

165. Name one item from your bucket list.

Get a novel published

166. From 1-10, how much do you like children?

3 maybe, they’re kinda annoying

167. Have you ever thought about your wedding?

Yes, but my ideas have changed over time

168. Have you ever been bungee jumping or skydiving?

No, but I’d like to

169. Favorite flower?

Hmmm Sunflowers? or Snapdragons, or the pink magnolias

170. Do you collect anything?

Enamel pins, and rwby blind box figurines (it’s not an addiction I swear)

171. Who was the last person you told a lie to?

My mom probably

172. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman?

Nope

173. Have you ever had a fortune cookie fortune come true?

Not that I know of

174. What was your favorite toy to play with when you were a child?

Hmmmm I had this little Narnia figurine set that I loved, also a bunch of littlest pet shop toys

175. How good are you at math?

Pretty good, I took AP Calculus in high school and got an A, doesn’t mean I liked it

176. Have you ever learned anything from a how-to YouTube video?

Not that I can think of right now

177. Have you ever participated in a science fair?

Yes, it was required in 6th grade

178. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender?

Womanhood is difficult and I often wish I did not have to bear it, but I’ve made peace with it

179. Have you ever participated in a public protest?

No, I’m scared

180. Do you have a pool at your house?

No

181. Have you ever hosted a wild party?

No lol, the wildest was probably my birthday party when we all got high and then had a 1 am McDonalds run because munchies

182. Do you like karaoke?

Not really

183. Have you ever written a love letter?

Kind of yes, I’m rather sappy

184. Have you ever ran a marathon?

God no, I’ve done a lot of 5Ks though

185. How often do you get mad at yourself?

So much, I suck

186. Any guilty pleasures?

Probably shitty old Warrior Cats AMVs, those are great when you’re bored and need to remember your roots

187. Fruits or vegetables?

Vegetables solely because potatoes fuckin slap

188. Do you live in a house or an apartment?

In a house, but I’m about to move into a dorm

189. The countryside or the suburbs?

Suburbs, I’ve lived in them my whole life, also listen to Subdivisions by Rush it’s great

190. Worst job you’ve ever had?

I’ve only had 1 job so I guess working at Chick-fil-A

191. Do you hang out with any of your co-workers?

Yes, one of them was my friend from school as well so I hang out with her regularly

192. Were you ever voted homecoming/prom king or queen?

Nope, but my good friends were prom king and queen!

193. Were you voted a “best” or “most likely to” in high school?

No, but I was “Most Likely To Be President - Girl” in elementary school so take that

194. Have you ever gotten detention?

No I’m a good kid

195. Have you ever babysat?

Yes, we watched disney movies and played dress-up

196. Have you ever taken a road trip just for the fun of it?

Nah, but I’d like to

197. How many drinks get you tipsy?

Idk, I was a little funny after 2 vodka spiked punches so

198. Were you a part of any academic clubs in high school or college?

Certainly yes, Technology Student Association, Beta club, Book club

199. Have you ever given a public speech, aside from your schooling?

I did the sermon one Sunday at church, but I’m not a big fan of public speaking

200. How long have you been on tumblr?

5 years in november! (God thats awful)

@officieel i did it bastard

[ilegnangeli]

Random May Thought #1

I think I may have forgotten how to properly write an entry on Tumblr. Much features have changed since I last posted here. If it weren’t for Instagram’s connect to Tumblr feature, I wouldn’t have updated this blog in years. Last I posted was a picture of my penmanship in Mandarin. I was still a student in China back then. And well now, I am back to the mothership.

Two years ago, COVID-19 didn’t exist. Oh wait, it did, they just hadn’t named it yet or they haven’t discovered it yet (I actually remember they used to call it nCoV). Two years ago, I was still lying in my bed in my spacious dorm room probably wondering why time flew so fast. Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I had plans two years later, you know. Plans that got soiled. I didn’t think I would still be here. I should be experiencing spring elsewhere and yet I’m basking in the scorching heat of summer in the Republic of the Philippines. Not that I’m complaining. Alright, fine, I am.

Life has been pretty tough lately. I think I wrote the same thing in one of my book reviews in Goodreads. After reading that book by Paul Kalanithi, I became more aware of how finite life is. I’ve always loved books that sorta ended in tragedies (maybe it’s the masochist in me lmao). But reading a memoir of someone who suffered a similar fate to those fictional characters I’ve read before, reading through his personal struggle made me think about how life—at the end of it all—is truly fragile.

I also read through my old entries in here. I laughed at some. I smiled at some. I sorta became sad after reading some entries. But I’m glad I wrote. Now, I’m feeling like continuing this thing I do often when I’m overwhelmed by life: writing. There’s a sense of bittersweetness to reading your old diary or journal entries for the world to see. Two nights ago, I dug through my old notebooks and read some of my written entries in there. Ten, nine, eight years ago versions of me who loved writing and sharing her thoughts on pages of now worn-out notebooks. Again, I’m glad I wrote.

Writing is probably something I’m not really best at but I’m good at. And suffice to say, I enjoy it. I love writing and it’s probably going to be the end of me. Funny how going back home, here in the mountains of Rizal, transforms me into a sentimental freak. The life in the city is probably the most ideal, future-focused lifestyle but the old soul in me will always go back and try to rekindle the sad and happy memories of the past.

Right now, I’m sat at the end of my bed. With a laptop. Typing these random thoughts. I see my piano on the left. I see my bookshelves right in front of me. And I see my luggage, to my right, that I haven’t used since I got back from China (I didn’t use this for my trip to Japan, I used a smaller one lmao).

I leafed through the pages of my old planner. It was the planner I used for my final year in university. I saw this “Dream Board” that I ever so creatively put together using cutouts from magazines, stickers, and sticky notes. I wrote there that I would make films, music, and literature. Funny how those “dreams” became reality. One by one. I also remember listing down the places I’d always wanted to visit in that planner. I remember writing all the countries that I would, one day, visit. And by some weird miracle, I’ve ticked off so many of those places. Well, except Amsterdam (because damn, the Netherlands is so far away). But don’t worry self, we’ll get there. Eventually. Lmao.

My dream board was extended to the next page where I listed down so many things that I would save up for. Teenage me would be proud of herself because ten years later, she has owned that John Green book collection (she now even has at least three versions of each book John Green has published, I know that’s ridiculous but please stop judging me lol), she has also owned two MacBooks (an Air in 2015 and a Pro in 2020), she has bought a digital piano (God, I srsly am in love with this piano, teenage me would cry out of joy I swear), and she has travelled to a lot of her dream destinations and countries. Teenage me would be so proud of who she has become. I seriously sighed as I typed that last line.

Ten years. Feels like an entire lifetime ago. I didn’t think life would be this fast-paced. I mean, thanks technology but boohoo because here I am, somehow struggling, asking myself every single day, hour, minute why adulting has to be this difficult. I sorta blame my teenage self because, she wished for this moment. She wished to fast-forward to my yuppy self. But then again, who am I to complain, THAT WAS ME ten years ago. Bitch, you did not. Lmao.

Earlier this afternoon, it’s nighttime as I type this, I spoke with one of my co-workers. We haven’t known each other that very long. But it feels like we’ve known each other forever. She’s a Libra, just like me. She’s a 92-liner, too. Oh the joy! And she’s a psych major, I envy her. Sometimes I still wonder why I didn’t take that path in university. Accountancy was shit and as much as I loved my Sintang Paaralan, I just didn’t want to be there anymore for personal reasons. You’d know, if you ever met me in person, I’ll tell you. Wow, am I really that good at moving on? Anyway, being a communication major is and was a great experience. I hate competitions but I joined so many competitions in that field and lost some but you gotta win some, right? So I did. Thank you for the wonderful experiences, Piyu.

Whoa, I didn’t think I’d be writing this long. But I’m not done yet. So as I was saying, I spoke with her. She isn’t just a colleague to me now but more like a best friend. I never thought I would meet someone my age who spoke the same language as me before her. I’m a nerd. If that isn’t already obvious. And if being caught by our director talking about Sigmund Freud and Maria Montessori isn’t enough proof, then I guess let’s talk about global warming, greenhouse effect, and the melting polar caps. I like talking about ideas, phenomenas, and books. Crucify me! #ReasonsWhyImStillSingle

I’d been praying about something recently. And I only got that clarity when I finally spoke to her about it. We’ve been on this topic for about a month now. And occasionally we like to make fun of this topic. But I guess, when something isn’t really meant for you, God will make a way for it to not, you know, find its way to you. Thank you, LORD.

She told me so many things that made me realize that the person I like right now probably has his reasons why he’s not making the first move. And I understood that. She insisted that my feelings were valid and it was okay for me to feel those things—to think those things. But oh my goodness, I told her, this person is so lucky. Like I swear to God. Because I don’t really “like” guys that often. I don’t feel easily attracted to anyone. So it is by some miracle that I ended up liking this particular human sub-specie (bro, you should feel privileged, too bad you won’t be able to read this). Anyway, It was so clear to me. And I had to move on. Immediately. But what’s weird about it is that I just took a nap. And when I woke up from that nap this afternoon I felt nothing. Like that feeling expired almost immediately. It completely dissipated. So ridiculous, right? I’ve harbored feelings for this person for some time now (it hasn’t been that long to be honest) and I’m just over that feeling now. In an instant, too. I don’t know why. It’s probably one of my talents.

Wow, I really do move on fast. Don’t I? Am I cruel (to myself) that way?

So I had decided to busy myself with work. Plan about my graduate studies. And hope for the best. But for now, I’ll enjoy the rest of my leave from work. I sighed. Again. As I wrote that. My head hurts. I don’t know why. But it does. And I almost typed that in Korean.

On another topic, I’m thinking about compiling all of my literary works in some way. I also feel like commissioning my niece and my older brother to illustrate some of my poems for me. I’ve actually thought about this like a year ago amidst the pandemic. But the lazy ass in me just kept postponing. And I blame myself for procrastinating because all my “plans” haven’t come to fruition. But I’ll get my shit together. Eventually. I need to make this happen. At least before I expire. Lmao.

P.S. I’m tired. I actually stayed up late last night. Or should I say earlier this morning. I video called one of my ex-colleagues. It was also a really nice chat. But I’m not used to staying up late anymore. I’ve burned tons of midnight oil in university. NEVER AGAIN. I’m sleepy to be honest.

P.P.S. Tomorrow’s my elder sister’s birthday. I’m going to post ancient pictures of her on my stories.

[lotuscorvus]

Work is turning into a dumpster fire, but Its honestly kind of funny.

I think the first step was our mid-boss leaving. She only transferred to a different office since her husband’s job was transferring him, so that wasn’t contentious or anything. But they had to hire 2 people to handle everything she’d been doing: Mid-boss A and Mid-boss B. 

My team and 1 other got Mid-boss B. He started out training with the other team. And then kept training with them. He stayed with them long enough that he could fill in if any one of them called out. But he never got any training with our team. By all appearances he was quite possibly intimidated by my team’s boss. My boss has a law background and is very determined to get answers/solutions to problems as quickly as possible, other people’s fee-fees be damned, which is fun to watch. So in the 6 months Mid-boss B was our mid-boss, he never trained with our team, never even really grasped what we do. My boss had to go over his head to Over-Boss every time we needed something done.

But then, oh magical day, the loudmouth asshole in a different department (who my boss had gotten into AT LEAST one loud fight with since The Asshole liked to try and change OUR procedures as if he had any standing, or blame us when his team fucked up and we caught it), and Mid-boss B took over his job instead! So then he was in charge of a department we have to work closely with and already had a kind of shaky relationship due to The Asshole and one slacking supervisor. Turned out Slacker Supervisor was a personal friend of Mid-Boss B too, so we knew that would be an adventure.

So then we get Mid-boss A as our mid-boss. A sweet man who actually knows how to present himself as an active manager and bothers with basic niceties like saying good morning to his teams (something mid-boss be actually never did until he wasn’t our boss anymore, lmao). He became our manager just before The Plague and has a very tiny new baby so we’ve been letting proper sit-down training slide since we all want him to be able to hold his own kid when he goes home. But he still comes by with questions a lot, so he’s showing enough initiative that it’s still working out better than Mid-boss B.

Over the period of time all this is playing out, there are also other bigger things happening, which are where a lot of the real dumpster fire is. There was a company merger/buy-out of a competitor, so we suddenly had a bunch of new people. And the highest-ups decided to adopt Other Company’s “everybody below management level is hourly” system. Previously we’d all been salary, which for how often some of us ended up having to stay a little late or come a little early, worked out great for the company. They also changed lunches, the pay schedule, put a new cap on how much PTO you could roll, our office’s starting time, and made overtime nearly a myth (which meant the managers now got to do all the extra fiddly work we would sometimes have to stay late for).

They also managed to get even weirder with layoffs. They’d always been kind of spooky about it, in a “we’re saying its for privacy/decorum reasons but really it looks like they’re getting suddenly fired and perp-walked out of the building with no warning” way. A whole slew of people either left or got fired over this period - almost all the people I got on well with on a personal level. But people who should have gotten fired ages ago kept getting more chances.

And then June happened. Normally thats when we get our annual evaluations and raises. But thanks to The Plague, there were no raises this year for anyone. And my team had basically useless reviews since they had to be done by Mid-boss B, who did at least own that he had no real standing to review us. That didn’t stop him from trying to rate us on a “no 5′s because there’s always room for improvement” scale. My Boss took him to task on my review so hard that he actually changed it to better ratings (I am literally the glue holding this fucking team together and keeping us functional). 

And speaking of firings! One of the last straws was not only firing the only dedicated person in a team that both my team and one of our other biggest teams NEED to do our job, but they called it “job abandonment” because she wanted to keep working from home as she had multiple small children and no available childcare. She is now living her best life starting her own small company out of her home, at least, but that one was really bullshit. 

Meanwhile my team has a member so bad I was pushing to get her on a PIP almost 3 months ago (of the 6ish months she’s been with us), who is only now finally approaching the end of her last chance grace period. We have a new contract/more duties coming up soon and I really wanted an actual employee in her seat and trained before that hit. The other team under Mid-Boss B just lost its last truly good employee. I’m literally on my way out the door (I’m in the running for a job with another company and expect interviews will be scheduled in the next week or so, and even if that job doesn’t pan out I don’t think I’ll still be here by the end of the year). My boss has apparently told Mid-boss B that she will leave if she can’t move to a different department and is pushing for me to get her job - which if it happens this year would mean more responsibilities with no raise, when I had already talked to Over-boss about a raise this year before The Plague and the raise freeze hit (she said she can’t do that before reviews in June, so that never happened). Plus if I leave before my boss gets her transfer, she really might just fucking quit. There’s a small chance she’d stay out of a sense of obligation, but if she was already trying to get out its pretty unlikely, and she would definitely require a raise if she stayed. 

I have a hard time imagining this company would honestly counter-offer if I put in my notice, or if they did that they’d be willing to pay what I would ask in a counter, lol. If I get the job I’m currently in the running for it would be AT LEAST an $11k/year raise, likely more, and that company is more friendly to working from home, so if I were to stay (especially since my company’s raise structure is shit and barely keeps up with COL increases) I’d be asking for more like +$19k/yr to make it worth it. 

And if that sounds crazy, I have now had 2 recruiters (mine and her coworker who is also helping out) express genuine surprise at how underpaid I am here. Especially since after health insurance and taxes I’m a team-lead level office worker with over 6 years experience in this company who’s effectively making damn near minimum wage. 

[babylon-bitch]

Just Friends ~ A Differnt Type Of Fear (part 63)

A/N: I merged two chapters together so thats why it is so long lol

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she  friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

***

Harper’s P.O.V.

“Girl, why didn’t you tell us that you could play piano?” Erika questions as we sit in her lounge.

“I don’t know, it was my own thing and it was were I put my emotions for so long.” I shrug.

“Did Luke know?” Calum asks and I look down at the mention of my ex boyfriend.

“No, he didn’t.” I shake my head, playing with the fraying end of the string on my hoodie.

“So no one knows?” Ashton asks.

“There’s a few, my friends back in England know, but that’s it.” I tell him.

“Can you play any other instruments?” Michael questions.

“Uh no, just piano.” I answer.

“And singing.” Maddie adds.

“And singing.” I confirm.

“Have you written originals?” Ashton asks.

“Um the song you heard was an original.” I inform.

“Really?” Calum exclaims.

“Yeah.” I nod.

“How old is it?” Erika asks.

“I legit just finished writing it the other day.” I say.

“It was a very beautiful song by the way.” Maddie compliments.

“Thank you.” I give her a small smile.

“What’s the song about?” Michael raises an eyebrow making me suck in a breath.

“Uh, you can interpret it in many ways but for me personally, it’s about depression and loneliness and having nobody there for you when you need it the most, but you have to go through it by yourself, and you just can’t do it on your own.” I roughly explain.

“Based on any recent feelings?” Calum comments but the doorbell rings as soon as he finishes.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom whilst you forget you asked that.” I mutter with a self deprecating chuckle.

Walking out with Erika but we part ways when we enter the hallway. I head to the bathroom and open the door, letting out a sigh.

Doing my business, I wash my hands, and take my hair out of the pony tail I quickly made as I left my house earlier, running my hand through it and tucking a part behind my ear.

Heading out I hear laughter, which makes me smile because my favourite people being happy is always a good feeling.

Feeling my phone buzz, I pull it out and see I have a text from Juliet.

“Hey.” I say and sit down, everyone saying ‘hey’ back, but one catches me off guard and I instantly look up, connecting eyes with my ex lover.

“Luke.” I awkwardly notice.

“Hi.” He bites his lip, giving me a small wave.

“Guess who was at the door.” Erika says.

I look back down at my phone, but I don’t actually start typing, I just think about how Luke is actually in the same room as me and I attempt to calm my heart down.

All night I was thinking about how Luke is probably a couple doors down from me, and for some reason that made my heart race.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that he was actually physically not far from me, or if it was because he’s caused me so much pain and he’s capable of doing it again.

“How was tour?” Maddie makes conversation.

“So much fun, but in the end we all got so tired and at one point when we were in Vienna, Calum almost fell asleep whilst standing up.” Ashton replies.

“I actually did for like 2 seconds but then woke myself up.” He smiles at the memory.

“How was life here in Australia whilst we were away?” Michael asks.

“Pretty quiet, it was just like when you left.” Maddie shrugs.

“Just now we’re engaged.” Erika squeals.

“How has that been?” Calum questions.

“Not much has changed really, just I look at wedding stuff now.” Erika explains.

“When’s the wedding?” Ashton asks.

They all begin to talk about the wedding/wedding stuff, and my attention goes to the tall boy looking sorry for himself on the other side of the room.

He hasn’t changed much, he’s still got the same bad posture as he used to, the same blue orbs that make time stop when you look into them, and the same personality. Some things have changed though, his hair has changed a little, got these bags under his eyes that seem to of not left in a while, his body language has changed, and although his eyes haven’t changed much, they look more lifeless than usual.

I study his person and take note of the things I’ve missed ever since we’ve been apart, I can remember most of him but there’s little things about how his fingers move when he scratches himself or the way he twists his ankle when it gets a little tight I forgot about, just little habits.

Luke looks over at me, and I meet his eyes, feeling the world stop for a second and my heart race.

“So how has life been for you, Harper?” Maddie interrupts us.

“Uh fine, just tryna get through school.” I tell her.

“Where are you spending Christmas this year?” Michael questions.

“I’m not too sure, we haven’t really talked about it, I imagine probably in England because last time although it was fun, there just wasn’t enough space for everyone and it was all so stressful.” I explain.

“Fair enough, when was the last time we saw each other? Because last Christmas seems like ages ago and that was probably the last time we were all together like we used to.” Erika furrows her eyebrows.

“I saw Cal the last.” I say.

“Yeah, we ran into each other in London.” Calum adds.

“The last time we all saw each other was I guess when Harper was in the hospital.” Ashton concludes.

“Last Christmas was fun, especially when it was actually Christmas day and we all met up and went in the pool.” Michael comments.

Can’t relate.

I look over at Luke and I see him looking down at his lap, most likely thinking the same as me.

It confuses me at how Luke is so sad when he cheated on me, I don’t get it. Sure, losing someone you grew up with isn’t easy to get over, but he caused this, he made the choice of sleeping with someone else. It’s been nearly 11 months, shouldn’t he - the one who put us in this situation - be over me and be happy now?

You might ask ‘well what if he’s not sad about the break up and it’s something else?’ I know because the night we said 'I love you’ at Boulevard View, he was clearly upset, and he still has that look on his face.

Trust me, I’ve known him for 18 years.

“I’m gonna go get a drink.” I mumble and head to the kitchen.

Looking in the fridge and seeing if there’s anything interesting in there. After searching all the shelf, I conclude there’s nothing good but water, so I pull out a bottle of water, and close the fridge.

Opening the bottle and turning around, I place the cap on the marble island, and I’m about to take a sip, when I notice Luke leaning in the doorway, observing me.

“Hey.” I quietly say and take a sip of my drink.

“Hi.” He nods at me and I put the lid back on my bottle.

“You just gonna stand there like a stalker or are you actually gonna talk to me?” I raise an eyebrow, and rest my forearms on the counter.

He chuckles lightly and pushes off the door frame, and walks over to me, mimicking my position.

“How have you been?” Luke questions.

“Uh, what I said out there.” I gesture.

“Okay then, what have you been up to since we saw each other last?” He re-questions.

“Not much, partying and repetitive lectures, typical uni life.” I shrug. “You?” I sigh.

“Performing and a little bit of writing here and there.” He replies and rests his chin on his palm.

I nod and silence creeps over us.

“I heard you’re quite the musician.” Luke mentions.

“Who told you that?” I laugh.

“Well firstly the others did, secondly, I watched the livestream, and you sounded really good.”

“Thanks.” I give him a small smile.

“Why didn’t you tell me you could play piano?” Luke questions.

“I don’t really know, I don’t have a reason, I kinda liked that it was my own secret, it just kinda happened.” I answer.

“Did you want to tell me?” He raises an eyebrow.

“No, and there was nothing restraining me from doing so, I mean, yeah, it would’ve been a bit weird coming out saying I could play piano and I have been for years.” I flatly tell him.

“Can you play anymo-”

“No and let me guess, next you’re gonna ask if I’ve written any more songs, and to answer that, yeah I have.” I cut him off.

“Oh my God you can read my mind.” Luke says.

“Almost like we were best friends for years.” I sigh.

“Were?” Luke asks.

“I mean, we’re best friends that haven’t talked in months.” I sarcastically respond. “You can’t tell me you still think we’re best friends?”

“We’re not?” He chuckles.

“Luke, we haven’t talked for months, and every time we have, it’s been tense.” I tell him.

I almost want to laugh, does this boy seriously think we’re still best friends?

“Do you wanna change that?” Luke questions making me stop whatever I was thinking.

“Uh, I’m not sure.” I answer a little stumped. “Do you want to?” I blurt out.

“I mean, if I can’t have your heart, I’ll take your mind.” Luke states making me look up at him in awe.

“So we’re friends again?” I ask, making my stomach fill with butterflies.

“Only if you want.” He offers.

I put my fist out to see if he still remembers our handshake from years ago.

To my happiness, he does, and it makes us both smile wide.

“I don’t think we ever stopped being friends really.” Luke says.

“I mean…” I trail off.

“We stopped being lovers, but never truly friends.” Luke points out.

“We are strictly friends, you’re not gonna make any moves on me right?” I questions.

“Can’t promise anything.” He smirks and begins to walk away but I gently grab his hand before he can get out of me reach.

“Luke.” I warn making him laugh, ignoring the way his hand fits perfectly in mine.

Luke turns around and puts his hands on my shoulders, bending down slightly to be level with my eyes.

The feeling of his hands on me again, makes my heart go into a frenzy and slight tingels all over my body.

“I promise I won’t make any moves on you, and you can have the right to hit me if I do.” He promises.

“Thanks.” I chuckle and he brings me into a long over due hug.

This could be an absolutely terrible idea and a huge mistake in the long run, but right now, I couldn’t be happier, at least the happiest I’ve been in a long time. That’s all I’m looking for right now, little bursts of happiness.

“This is gonna be so weird.” Luke comments as we pull back, and his hands slide round from my back to my waist.

“Good weird or bad weird?” I ask.

“Just weird.” He shrugs. “I’ve missed you ya know.” Luke tells me.

“In what way because you said I have the right to hit you just now?” I tease.

“Just you yourself, I miss hanging out with you.” Luke honestly says to me.

“Same.” I nod and pull away from him.

“Are we back to normal now?” He questions.

“Depends what you call normal.” I shrug.

“Back to where we used to be.”

“I don’t think we can get back to where we used to for multiple reasons and I’m sure you know one of the main ones. My therapist told me to stop looking at the past because it became so bad I was actually living in the past, and we need to stop comparing things from the past and build a new future.” I answer. “So no, we aren’t, but we can make a new Luke and Harper.”

“I can see that, are we gonna be ignore and not talk about… uh the break up or…” Luke trails off, making me look down at my shoes, biting my lip.

“Are we making a mistake?” I blurt out.

“What with the whole best friend thing?” He questions.

“Yeah.” I nod slightly. “I mean, we were together for nearly a year, we can’t ignore that. Are we gonna get close again but then something happens, it makes an even bigger mess and then we’re gonna hurt so much more than before?”

“Are we only doing this because we miss each other?” Luke asks after some silence. “Romantically.” He specifies.

“Let’s be honest, I think there is some hint of that, but I do actually miss you as a friend.” I tell him.

“Same, so we’re still gonna go through with this?”

“Yeah, unless you don’t want to.”

“I do, I just think it’s gonna be hard going from a couple to friends.” He confesses. “You think?” I furrow my eyebrows.

“Yeah, don’t you think so? Whenever I’m around you I just wanna put my arm round you or something.” He shrugs.

“That’s fair, but weren’t we all touchy feely before we started going out?”

“Yeah but it wasn’t awkward then, and there was a chance of us being together, and now if I touch you it’s weird and there’s no chance of us getting back together.” He explains.

“Just act how you want to act Luke, just don’t make any moves on me, which I know is hard to do.” I attempt to lighten up the mood.

“Sure is.”

***

“Are you doing anything for Halloween?” Luke asks me as we lay on his bed, he’s messing with his guitar, whilst I’m doing some revision.

“Uh, don’t think so, at least nothing apart from sitting around eating the sweets that are ment for the trick or treaters.” I shrug. “You?”

“The same.” He chuckles.

“Wanna join me?” I offer and look up as I finish a paragraph.

“Sure.” He answers.

It’s been a couple days since Luke and I have had our chat, and it’s been going really well. We’re taking everything quite slow, and it’s barely been awkward, just a whole lotta fun. At some points it feels almost wrong because we’re just ignoring everything that’s happened this whole year, and it seems crazy to just forget everything and pretend it’s all okay again.

“Have you got any horror film suggestions?” He asks.

“I want to successfully watch Saw without turning it off half way through.” I confess, making him laugh.

“Yeah, I guess you never did finish that.” Luke smile to himself.

“I’ve got a whole shelf full of DVDs and there’s some horror films in there, so we’ll what’s in there.” I inform.

“Have you ever watched a horror film right through to the end? Because you always start off excited and think you can handle it but always end up hiding away form it all.” Luke laughs.

“Actually my friend Cody is a horror film fanatic so I went over to his and watched The Conjuring right through.” I prove him wrong.

“It’s not even that scary, Harp.” He says.

“Tell that to me at 12 am in the dark.” I glare.

“I will on Halloween.” He teases.

“And don’t make me jump because that’s just mean.” I warn.

“Can’t promise anything.” He tells me.

“Luke I swear to god, I will never talk to you again.” I declare.

“Just be aware when you go round the corner at night.” Luke smirks.

“No, you have to promise me you won’t scare me!” I exclaim.

“Fine I promise I won’t scare you.” He sighs and puts his pinkie out to me, I move towards the end of the bed, and link my pinkie with his. “Too much.” He mutters after.

“Now I’m gonna be on edge all week.” I pout.

“Poor baby.” He coos and squeezes my cheeks with his hand, making me do a small fish face.

He pulls his hand away when I try to bite him, and he gives me a playful glare.

“Kinky.” He winks, making me roll my eyes.

***

“What we watching?” Luke asks and runs his hand down my back, making me swallow thickly.

“Uh, I’m not sure, everything seems too scary.” I chuckle as I look at the shelf.

“How about the Ju On: The Grudge?” He suggests.

“No that’s scary.” I whine.

“You’ve never watched it.” He claims.

“B-but the cover is scary.” I tell him, looking up at him.

“You’ve gotta face your fears.” Luke holds my shoulders and shakes me.

“That’s not fun though.” I tell him.

“Is staying safe and watching a Christmas film you’ve already seen a million times before fun?” He asks.

“Yes, yes it is.” I nod and take Elf off the shelf, going over to the tv.

“I’m not watching Elf for the millionth time with you on Halloween.” Luke sighs, reaching out for my waist, and pulling me back.

“I don’t wanna watch a scary film when I can be filled with happiness rather than fear.” I retort.

“Okay, let’s watch Saw 2.” He huffs.

“It’s still a scary film.” I say.

“Will it help if I protect you?” He questions.

“For the time being but I live on my own, what if the little shit rides his bike into my room?” I ask making him laugh.

“It’s not real.”

“You won’t be saying when a creepy monster comes for you.” I mutter and make my way to the sofa. “Pick a movie and if I call you in the middle of the night, don’t complain.”

Luke laughs and picks a movie and puts it in, before coming over and sitting next to me.

“The Ring, Luke?” I question, looking up at him in disbelief.

“Yeah, you can hide in me if you want.” He offers.

We’re about half way through the film now and it’s so scary, it might not be for some people but for me, I’m terrified.

“Luke I hate you so much for putting this on.” I tell him as a particularly scary scene comes on.

“It’s not that scary.” He claims as I hide in his shoulder, clutching his arm.

“You don’t know shit.” I say and look back at the television – big mistake.

“Harper.” Luke laughs and cups my jaw with his hand.

He looks into my eyes and I look into his, his full of amusement, mine full or fear, but his eyes vanish of that and he seems to of blocked out the movie. I notice his eyes trail down my face, and stare at my lips.

A loud sound on the television causes our attention to go to the screen with a different type of fear.

***

The sound of the alarm on my phone disturbs my peaceful sleep - the best one I’ve had in a while - and it makes me groan in annoyance. I sleepily turn the alarm off and place my phone on the table next to the sofa.

Opening my eyes, I take in my surroundings, popcorn all over the coffee table, Netflix home screen on the tv, still dressed in the clothes I was in last night (I’m lucky they’re comfy clothes), and a familiar arm wrapped around my torso.

One that hasn’t been in this nature in a long time.

Rolling over I bury my head into the boy I now call my friend, and he hums and wraps his arms tighter around me, seemingly unaffected by the obnoxious sound of my alarm.

I let out a sigh of content and begin to doze off again, so I’m in between sleeping and just thinking about random things.

It feels like it had been hours but it was actually just 10 minutes, when Luke’s alarm goes off, making him shift a little. I feel him reach into his pocket and pull out his phone, the noise that always makes me shudder halting to a stop.

“Morning, pretty girl.” He mumbles and I hum in response.

Luke digs his hand into my hair and plays around with it, making me smile to myself.

“We’ve gotta get up at some point.” Luke says after some time.

“Shhhh.” I sleepily reply, making him chuckle.

“Come on.” He encourages, lifting my arm up, but I make it go limp. “Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” Luke hits my my shoulder with my own arm.

“Stop.” I whine and nuzzle further into his shoulder to get away from him.

“Okay, fine.” He complies and drops it, making me jerk backwards.

“Stop.” I giggle.

I let out a huff and roll over, opening my eyes, rubbing some of the sleep out of them. Luke wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me closer into his chest.

“I thought you wanted us to get up.” I muse.

“I said at some point.” He points out.

“Whatever.” I shrug and pick my phone up, going through my notifications.

A text from Michael, another one from my brother Angus, a flurry of texts from Evie, and a missed call from my mum.

Replying to them to make myself wake up a bit more.

I think half of the film last night I missed because I hid in Luke’s shoulder, whilst he laughed and put his arm around me. I’ve told him before, I hate horror films yet he still makes me watch them. I can guarantee I will not be sleeping for a good couple weeks.

Contrary to that, I had the best night sleep I’ve had in a while.

Although I had to watch some cartoons after I watched the film so I wouldn’t be as scared. Looks like I fell asleep during those and apparently Luke did also.

Sitting up after a little while, and I stretch my arms, making me let out a moan. “Luke, you gotta get up.” I place my hand on his forearm.

“Just let me sleep a little longer.” He tells me.

“No, plus my parents are back in an hour and a half, so I’ve got shit to do.” I inform.

“Fine, god, you’re so annoying.” Luke whines but sits up next to me.

“I forgot how stroppy you are in the morning’s.” I tease and he just glares at me.

“You’re no better.” He accuses.

“Uh rude.” I huff.

“You’ve got sleep in your eye.” He says and reaches up to my eye, and picks it out, wiping it on my shoulder.

“Thanks.” I nod, and stand up. “Do you wanna eat breakfast here?”

“Uh, sure.” He shrugs, following me into the kitchen.

“We’ve got cereal, muffins, toast, or a bagel.” I offer as I look in various cupboards.

Luke goes into the cereal cupboard, and picks one of his choice.

“Don’t even know why I offered anything else.” I shake my head and hand him a spoon.

“You should know me by now,” Luke replies, sitting at the table.

I chuckle lightly and pick out a bagel, putting it under the grill, and I lean against the counter as I wait.

“So what do you do now that tour is finished?” I ask Luke.

“Make the new album, we’re gonna move out to LA in the new year, and we’ll begin to work out there for a while.” He explains.

“Oh cool, how long does that last?” I question.

“Were aiming for a couple months, but anything could happen.” He shrugs. “When do you go back to uni?”

“In a few days.” I sadly state.

“Oh.” Luke quietly replies. “When do you get a break next?”

“Nothing until Christmas.” I sigh, pulling my bagel out of the oven, placing the halves on the chopping board.

“We’ll still talk right?” He asks.

“Yeah, as much as I can.” I nod, putting my spread of choice on my bagel. “But hey, at least I’ve only got one full year left and most of another until I finish.” I attempt to brighten up the mood.

“That’s true.” He nods.

“Wait, I think we’re gonna spend Christmas in England this year, so I won’t be able to come out for Christmas.” I remember.

“You could still fly out for some of your break.” He suggests.

“Yeah that’s true.” I say, taking a bite of my bagel.

“I mean we went months with out seeing each other, I don’t think we’re gonna suffer too much.” Luke points out.

“Good point.” I respond, staring into space as I think about the times we didn’t talk at all after the break up. “How was that for you?” I blurt out.

“What?” He questions.

“Not talking after the break up.” I answer.

“Um, it was hard, really hard. Getting out of the habit of just picking up my phone and giving you a call or sending you a text was really hard. You were always the person I went to when I had a problem or I was feeling a sad or whatever, but when you were the reason, I didn’t have anyone to turn to.”

“Why couldn’t you just go to boys or Erika and Maddie.” I ask.

“They don’t get me like you do.” He shrugs.

I nod at this information, biting my lip as I think over it.

“How did you take it?”

“Uh, um, I found that I was at a loss, I didn’t know who to talk to. I ended up talking to my friend Blake, and he gave me some advice and his experiences. He told me to give myself time to grieve and don’t let it fester too long, but 6 months after that, I was way past the time period I was supposed to be grieving for. There was no one I could talk to about it all, my friends at uni just don’t get me like that, could never talk to my brother’s about it, only have one cousin that’s my age and she’s barely met you so wouldn’t understand it, my aunt Lauren doesn’t live anywhere near me, it’s just weird talking to my parents about it, I wasn’t talking to the boys so it would be awkward, same with Maddie and Erika. There was no one for me to talk to.” I explain.

Luke walks over to me, putting his bowl into the sink, and hooks his finger under my chin, making me look up at him.

“I also think you don’t let enough people in for you to be able to talk to people.” Luke sends a knowing look my way.

“You know I don’t like talking about certain things.” I sigh, moving away from him and going to the fridge.

“What’s one thing you missed about me?” He asks.

“I guess I missed not being able to talk to you about things, from just how my day’s gone to talking about things I’m struggling with right now.” I answer truthfully. “You?”

“I’d probably have to say the same.” Luke nods. “I missed everything being alright and normal whenever we saw each other.” He adds.

“But the times we did see each other, things were said that needed to be said.” I tell him.

Luke nods and leans on the counter opposite me.

“Damn, this makes me sad.” I chuckle lightly.

“Come here.” He gives me a lazy smile and opens his arms up.

Pushing off the counter, I stand between his legs and wrap my arms around his waist, leaning into him.

“Missed this.” He mumbles.

***

“Hey.” I say to everyone as I walk into Maddie’s living room and a chorus of greetings go around the room. I sit next to Erika, placing my bag by my feet, and leaning back.

“You go back in two days right?” Erika asks.

“Yeah, one full day then I leave in the evening the next day.” I explain.

“Do you wanna do anything special before you go?” Maddie questions.

“I’m not sure if I have the time to be honest.” I shrug.

“We could do something tomorrow night, or even tonight if you want.” Erika suggests.

“Like what?” I raise an eyebrow.

“I don’t know go out for dinner or something.” Erika answers.

“We’re not gonna see you for a while, think of it as a send off.” Maddie adds.

“I’ve got some revision to do tonight, then tomorrow I’ve gotta spend time with my family apparently, then the day after that I’ve gotta pack in the morning, then the afternoon I’ve gotta some things out.” I tell them

“All in favour to do something special before Harper goes, raise your hand.” Maddie announces and everyone but Calum raises his hand.

“Two against five.” Erika smirks.

“Why don’t you want to go, Cal?” Maddie asks.

“Uh what?” He questions, looking up from his phone.

“Why didn’t you vote yes?” She asks.

“Sorry, I wasn’t listening.” He laughs and pockets his phone.

“We voted if we do something special before Harper goes back.” She informs.

“Oh, sure, I’m in.” He nods his head.

“All in favour for doing something special before Harper goes home, raise your hand.” Maddie re-announces.

Everyone besides me puts their hand up, leaving me to sigh at my luck.

Luke reaches over and raises my arm for me, making me give him a disapproving look, which he replies with a wink, causing me to roll my eyes.

“Did anyone actually care to think that I don’t want to?” I ask.

“No, so where do you wanna go.” Michael claps his hands.

“If we’re taking you hostage for a couple hours, the least we can do is let you pick.” Luke reasons.

“Fine!” I huff. “Can we go out for dinner at that Italian restaurant we used to always go to?”

“Your choice.” Erika shrugs. “When do you want to go?”

“How about tonight so then tomorrow I can actually do what I wanted to do tonight.” I suggest.

“Deal.” Calum confirms.

“Who’s driving and when do we go?” Ashton questions.

“8?” Maddie suggests.

We all more or less agree that 8 is a suitable time to meet up, and we’re gonna take my car and Ashton’s.

“Babe, didn’t you say you had cake?” Erika asks Maddie.

“Uh yeah.” She nods and everyone gets up and bolts towards the kitchen besides me and Maddie.

“You not getting any cake?” Maddie asks as we hear arguing between Erika and Michael.

“No thanks.” I shake my head.

“So, Luke and you, huh?” She smirks.

“What?” I whip my head in her direction.

“You and Luke, look pretty close.” She tells me.

“You think?” I raise an eyebrow.

“I don’t think, I can see.” Maddie corrects.

“What do you 'see?’” I question, using quotation marks.

“Okay well firstly, you’re actually talking to each other,” She starts, making my roll my eyes. “You’re joking around, and when you came out the kitchen the other day, you both looked pretty giddy, almost as if something happened in there.”

“I can assure you nothing like that happened in there.” I inform.

“What did happen then?” She asks.

“We just decided to be friends again, that’s it, honestly, and we’ve been hanging out ever since then.” I esplain.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” She furrows her eyebrows.

“Yeah, I did bring that up when we were talking, we agreed that nothing’s gonna come out of this.” I answer.

“I just don’t want you getting hurt again.” She gazes worriedly at me.

“It’s fine, we’re fine, he even game me permission to hit him if he makes a move on me.” I chuckle.

“I’m just saying, he still looks at you the same way he used to and speaks so highly of you, he clearly misses you so be careful.” She warns making me laugh.

“Luke’s not like that, he wouldn’t do that to me.” I shake my head.

“I’m not saying he’s playing you, I’m just saying because you seem to of forgotten everything that’s happened this year, and suddenly you’re best friends again.” She tells me.

“I haven’t forgotten everything that’s happened, it’s just I need Luke right now, and we’ve decided to become friends again.” I explain.

“Be careful, he misses you, and he might be abusing your friendship so he can be your lover again.”

“What did you mean earlier when you said he still looks at me the same?” I raise an eyebrow.

“You don’t see it?” She asks.

“He just looks at me like he normally does.” I shrug.

“Hold on.” She holds a finger up and pulls her phone up. “Here, he looks at you like this.” She says after a minute or two, I take her phone and look at the picture.

It’s a picture from some time last year, I’m laying on someone’s couch that I vaguely recognize as Calum’s, I’ve got a bowl of popcorn resting on my stomach, as I look up at him mid-laugh, whilst he stands a couple feet away from me, with his hands on his hips, looking down at me, a smile on his lips.

“He’s always looked at me like that.” I state as I pass her phone back to her.

“Yeah because he’s always had feelings for you, you can literally see the love coming from his eyes, Harper. He still looks at you like that, and your just friends now, all I’m saying is be careful.” She gets up and squeezes my shoulder, before walking out to go join the others and I’m left to think about what she said.

Is Luke really playing me to get me to be his girlfriend again?

He wouldn’t do that to me.

I sit there with my thumb between my teeth wondering what the possibility of Luke using my friendship.

Looking around the room a little lost, I spot an acoustic guitar next to the sofa I’m on, I pick it up and see if it’s in tune.

No, no it is not.

Music is helps clear my mind, I just think of the lyrics and try to figure out the chords by ear. It’s almost as if the world pauses for a couple minutes and the only thing is me and the music.

I’ve been working on a song recently, it was so hard to get it right, the lyrics never worked with the music very well and it took me ages to get the right words. I didn’t want to just throw some lyrics in there that I’m not happy with, I needed it to be perfect. I’m a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to music, when it comes to other things, I couldn’t care less.

Once the guitar is tuned properly, I begin to toy with the strings and take in a deep breath.

“Man, you really know how to get someone down Everything was fine until you came around I’ve been chasing after dreamers in the clouds After all wasn’t I the one who said To keep your feet on the ground? Man, you really brought me back down

Hold on to hope if you got it Don’t let it go for nobody They say that dreaming is free But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

You got me tied up but I stay close to the window And I talk to myself about the places that I used to go I’m hoping someday maybe I’ll just float away And I’ll forget every cynical thing you say When you gonna hear me out Man, you really bring me down

Hold on to hope if you got it Don’t let it go for nobody They say that dreaming is free But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

Reality will break your heart Survival will not be the hardest part It’s keeping all your hopes alive When all the rest of you has died So let it break your heart

And hold on to hope if you got it Don’t let it go for nobody

Hold on to hope if you got it Don’t let it go for nobody They say that dreaming is free I wouldn’t care what it cost me.”

Biting my lip, I let out a breath and run a hand through my hair.

“Okay well you lied.” A voice interrupts my thoughts.

“What?” I question looking up, seeing everyone stand by the door.

“You said that you couldn’t play any other instruments.” Calum explains.

“Oh, yeah I did.” I nod.

“Why?” Ashton asks and sits down, the rest following his actions.

“I don’t know, it’s just my own thing, I explained it the other day.” I tell them.

“What’s the song about?” Luke asks and I look over at him, looking in his eyes to see if I can see anything.

“I mean if you listened to the lyrics you’d understand.” I start, making him roll his eyes but smile after. “This song is about not losing hope and staying a dreamer, and almost as if I’m talking to my younger self.”

“It’s a really pretty song, Harper.” Erika smiles at me,

“Thanks.” I smile back. “Why do you have a guitar in here?” I ask Maddie.

“I tried to play it when I was 10 but I couldn’t get into it, so I gave it up, but it makes my family look like we have talent.” She answers.

“I tuned it for you, by the way.” I tell her.

“Thats a thing?” She furrows her eyebrows and I facepalm.

[suzyturnerbooks]

It’s the last Monday of the month, which can mean only one thing. It’s time for the Fab40s! And this month, we’ve gone a little bonkers (well, I think I’ve gone a little bonkers anyway LOL). It was Sheela’s turn to choose the theme and she looked east for inspiration: choosing the Japanese theme, Harajuku.

What the heck is Harajuku?

Well, I had absolutely no clue either. Thank goodness for Google! I found the perfect article that explains everything you need to know about Harajuku fashion. Basically,  Harajuku started out as anti-fashion and has developed into its own style of Japanese streetwear with no rules. It covers a huge variety of different styles put together, but basically it’s creating your own, unique outfit without sticking to any particular trend, if that makes sense? Have a look at that article I mentioned and all will become clear. It really is quite fascinating, to be honest.

So, what did I wear?

Hm…. good question. What the heck did I wear?! Well, I started by scrutinising my entire wardrobe. Initially I did consider going down the Harajuku Goth route but then figured that would be too predictable for me (you all already know I’ve always been a bit of a closet goth). So I decided to something colourful and bright instead. Surprisingly, I don’t have THAT many colourful and brights items in my wardrobe lol.

My first choice was floral tights, white shorts, white shirt with a crazy bright neon orange tank top over the top of the shirt. But it wasn’t quite right. Perhaps because I felt like I needed more prints to mix and match, real Harajuku style. So I tried again and the next outfit felt right–if not completely alien at the same time. But I stuck with it and piled on the accessories and then revealed myself to hubby…

Yes he laughed

He said I looked like I was going to a fancy dress party. And I totally get that…BUT, I felt great wearing this crazy outfit. It made me happy. It made me laugh. Would I wear it out to dinner or to the shops here in the Algarve? Well, no, probably not. Would I wear it out on the streets of Japan? Hell YEAH! I know I’d probably fit it perfectly.

The super girly pink blouse was from Bershka quite a few years ago, and the skort was given to me by Sophie at Sophie’s Golf Shop (yes it is a skort that you’d wear to play golf lol). I bought these floral tights from H&M ages ago and have never worn them because I’ve never found the right outfit for them (until now!). A few pairs of shoes later, I remembered my peachy brogues from Clarks. For a little added extra, I picked out my Tommy Hilfiger grey striped cardigan and threw it over my shoulders. I love how it *goes* with my skort but clashes with everything at the same time!

Accessories

No surprise here that every single piece of jewellery I’m wearing (apart from my engagement and wedding rings) were gifts from my mother-in-law lol. I figured with Harajuku style, the more the merrier, right? And to top it all off, I added a purple floral umbrella.

My hair & makeup

Well, I couldn’t do Harajuku style without at least trying pigtails–or pigbuns–or whatever you want to call them! If you look closely, you can see major white hairs white in my centre parting lol. And I love them! As for my makeup, I went all out for the pink. Pink eyeliner pink lips and pink nail varnish. A little OTT perhaps, but so is my entire cray cray outfit!!!

So, what do you think? Are you impressed with my Harajuku styled outfit? Or do you think I look ridiculous? Go on, be honest, but imagine me on the streets of Japan and not on the streets of the Algarve! But that’s enough about my crazy Japanese-themed outfit, let’s see how the other gals interpreted this fun theme…

Sheela, Sheela Goh

Coming Soon

Dee, Dee Sayz

Dee really does look like she’s stepped off a street in Tokyo! I l just love how cool she looks with the all black ensemble and the baseball cap. The addition of the pulled-up socks and the crossbody bag make this look scream Harajuku!

Outfit Details:

Shirt: Mango

Shots: Kosamui, Bangkok

Shoes: Delhi Market

Socks: Local Shop, Gurgaon

Bag: Miniso

Cap: Local Shop, Gurgaon

Shelbee, Shelbee on the Edge

OMG Shelbee is rocking the theme this month! I love everything about this outfit–the fishnets, the frilly socks and Mary-Janes are utter perfection with the black and white striped skirt and then the leopard print lace top! Just gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous!

Outfit Details:

Coat-Kohl’s

Corset-Adore Me

Top-Torrid

Belt-Cato

Skirt and Bag-Thrifted

Tights-Target

Socks-Amazon

Shoes, Jewelry, and Arm Warmers-super old

Daenel, Living Outside the Stacks

Coming Soon!

Our fabulous guest this month, Ada of Elegance and Mommyhood

Ada has taken complete inspiration from her Detroit backdrop which reminds her of cities like Tokyo. I can see the Japanese inspiration in that fabulous dress. Doesn’t she look beautiful? Love it!

Outfit details:

Silk Wrap Dress – Express.

Fedora Hat – Vintage from London UK.

Wedge Sandals – Nine West.

Location – Detroit, MI, USA.

And me…

WHERE I LINK UP

Fake Fabulous

Ageless Style

Not Dressed as Lamb

Shelbee on the Edge

Style Splash

Living on Cloud Nine

A Pocketful of Polka Dots

Nancy’s Fashion Style

Chic & Stylish (Mumma B Stylish)

Elegantly Dressed & Stylish

Top of the World

Elegance & Mommyhood

Confident Twosday

WOW on Wednesday

Glamadventure

Harajuku – the Fab40s have gone Japanese! It's the last Monday of the month, which can mean only one thing. It's time for the Fab40s!

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 08.08.17 lb

plain text version here. 

angsty billu is angsty. 😊😊😊

lol “bas suggestion diya tha maine.” bhai, aise ghatiya suggestions dete hi kyun ho??? 😂😂😂

oh ho billu, you and your misplaced overconfidence. you know you always fail in the matter of this girl. she never reacts as predicted. 😕😕😕

god, i wish shivaay would be MY wedding planner, if such a miracle ever occurred. it sounds like a dream to just show up looking pretty and do the pheras, while all the hard bits are handled (and paid for) by someone else! 😊😊😊 

oh no. puppy eyes. PUPPY EYES. *avoids looking at him* 😣😣😣

“agar yeh mazaak hai, toh bol do.” 

oh my god. the amount of hope in his eyes and voice. he looks like a  baby, suddenly impossibly young and so so vulnerable. 😟😟😟

GIRL. YOU ALREADY KNOW USSE FARAQ PADTA HAI. BUT STILL YOU USE ‘EM FIGHTING WORDS. 😣😣😣

oh hooooooooo, billlllllllu, YOU TOLD HER TWICE ALREADY THAT FARAQ PADTA HAI, WHAT’S ONCE MORE??? JUST TELL HER. 😫😫😫

NOPE. OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO ME. 😑😑😑

THESE TWO AND THEIR FARAQ. OUFF. FA(RA)Q YOU BOTH. FA(RA)Q YOU BOTH TO HELL AND BACK. 😒😒😒

OH GOD, STOP PROVOKING HERRRRRRRR. 😣😣😣

... look at their faces. just... look at their faces. she’s devastated that he doesn’t care, but her face is under iron clad control. but, him - businessman of the year, dealmaker extraordinaire, he can’t help but have his feelings screaming in all caps neon lettering on his face. these two. fucking idiots. 😥😥😥😭😭😭

“we’ll call it off...  i’ll take care of all of it. i’ll take care of it.” 

oh my heart, the desperation and cajoling in his voice. he just wants this game to end, but he doesn’t want to lose either. 😔😔😔

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO “YEH TOH SACH MEIN SHAADI KARNE KO TAIYYAAAR HO GAYI!!!!” *furiously follows her* 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

bitchhhhhhhhhh, i told you not to fucking test her! ab bhugat. vikram ko tune hi laaya hua hai, i’m pretty sure, but she’s so adiyal ki she’ll marry ANYONE to spite you at this point. 🙃🙃🙃

bulbullllllll, please DO NOT, DO NOTTTTTT call him. please girl. come on. 😫😫😫

WHEN YOU KNOW HE AND HIS PLANS ARE BEWAKOOF, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LISTENING TO HIM? GOD. 😒😒😒

oh boyyyyyyyyy. rudra is in trouble. 🙃🙃🙃

most unrealistic thing here is that they’re going so easy on him and beating him with PILLOWS. real brothers fight with fists. what kinda namby pamby nonsense is this???? 🙄🙄🙄

lmao rudra raising his hand mid-beatdown to answer the question like he’s in school. 🙋🏽🙋🏽🙋🏽

HOW IS POOR RUDRA RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU TWO ASSHOLES BEING BAD HUSBANDS??????????? 😒😒😒

BEAT THE SNOT OUTTA THESE TWO, RUDY. I’LL HOLD THE LITTLE ONE DOWN FOR YA. *tackles shivaay* 😤😤😤

okaaaaaay. abrupt scene transition. 😐😐😐

married ppl, plz confirm, this is the true depiction of marriage, no? that they were just in the most angsty fight ever 15 minutes ago, and now she’s like YEH KYA HOOLIA BANA RAKHA HAI? 😟😟😟

omggggg “aise lag rahe hai jaise bheege kauwe ko kisi ne blow dry kiya ho” hahahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣🤣

wow. ok. straight to “lemme fix that for you, babe.”

his O RLY??????? look tho. 😯😯😯

oh wowwww, he’s actually waiting for her to fix his hair for him! 😧😧😧 she’s allowed to touch his hair now! what a momentous leap in their relationship. THIS IS PRACTICALLY THIRD BASE IN SHIVIKA TERMS!!!!!!!!!! ab toh bas sex hi bacha hai, physical intimacy wise. 😌😌😌

“ab mera haq nahi hai yeh sab karne ka.”  “oh right. tumhare saare farz aur haq ab tumhare fiance ke liye hai ab.”

don’t you get all snarky on her. she can say the same thing, that you should go ask RAGINI to fix your damn hair. 😒😒😒

I AM HUSBAND. I HOLD HAND. *ALPHA MALE ROAAAAAAAAAAAR*

“kis haq se aapne mera haath pakda hai?”

i’m soooooo glad anika’s not making this easy on him. 😊😊😊

tadi waala shoulder to shoulder talking. haven’t seen this pose in this show for a long time!!! 

my godddddddd, the amountttt of roundaboutttttt talkingggg, it’s making my head hurt. 😣😣😣

“is this what you want.” “it is what i want if you want it.” “i want it if you want me to want it.” JFC. 😑😑😑

since gauri isn’t here, i’m glad at least bhavya is here for anika. i’ll take any girly bonding! 👯🏽👯🏽👯🏽

oh bhavya, you’re sweet and very well-intentioned, but you’re new here and you don’t know shivaay’s tadi and levels of zidddddd. 😕😕😕

aaaaaaaaaaand bhaiyya just proved me right. OUFFFFFFFFF BILLU!!!!!!!!!!!!! TANG AA GAYI HOON MAIN TUMSE. 😫😫😫

don’t fucking tell me, that even BHAVYA knows the truth about shivaay. 😣😣😣

lmaoooo om’s snarky “nahiiiiiiii, tadi bhi toh zaroori hai!” 😂😂😂

YES, PLEASE, DO SOMETHING YOU LITTLE SHITS. 😫😫😫

OH MY HEART, RUDY CALLING GAURI AND SAYING SHE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STOP SHIVAAY!!!!!!!!!!!! (OVER HIS OWN SISTER PRINKUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!! OVER HIMSELF AND OM!!!!!!!!!!!) 😯😯😯

shivaay and gauri share the purestttttttt love in this show (up there with rudra - anika) and i’m just so overwhelmed with feelings. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

bhavya’s just straight up stolen a canvas and easel from om and set up one rather 2 rs conspiracy board. 😐😐😐

@ilovefusion i was wondering about her weird dupatta-jacket combo yest too. turns out it isn’t a dupatta, just a weird sleeve. this girl’s fashion is truly bizarre. 😕😕😕

GOD RUDRA, ITNAAAAAAAAAA SHAUK HAI DUSRON KA KAAM KARNE KA, THEN GO TO OFFICE INSTEAD OF SHIVAAY. LORD KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK OBEROI INDUSTRIES KA HAAL IS NOW, WITH SHIVAAY OFF PLAYING WEDDING PLANNER, AND YOUR DAD ACTING LIKE A GHOST. 😒😒😒

i literally want to smack rudra for not taking NO for an answer no matter how many times it’s been told to him. 👋🏽👋🏽👋🏽 (oneeee tightttt slap emoji.)

btw anyone here old enough to remember this random little program on mtv india called ONE TIGHT SLAP??? little 30 second - 1 minute clips of typically desi annoying ppl who deserve to get slapped? i still say the words “one tight slap” in the same tone as the announcer used to say it. (youtube it.) 

“baat karni zaroori hai kya?”

never thought i’d say this, but i’m hella relating to bhavya, my dudes. i too, like to spend my days with a minimum amount of words spoken out loud. 🤐🤐🤐

god this scene is so forced. i just want him to leave her aloneeeee. 😫😫😫

BITCH WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAMN WIFE?????????? 😤😤😤

chaubis? abbe oh, you’re only 23. are you counting the 9 months as a fetus? you learnt your womanizing ways in vitro from your dad like abhimanyu learnt the chakravyuh maneuver??? 😒😒😒

oh. we finally have an age for bhavya. 27. same as om (?)

kudos to them for having a couple where the girl is older, but like really... she could do SO MUCH BETTER? why is she even hanging out with a man baby like him? 🤔🤔🤔

what the fuck is even happening? like... that wasn’t a romantic moment or anything. 😕😕😕

ugh, i hate this song. 😒😒😒

bored af, so fwding. ⏩⏩⏩

SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY ANIKA IS HANGING OUT IN HIS ROOM ALL THE TIME WHEN SHE’S STAYING IN ANOTHER ROOM. 😒😒😒

nopeeeeeeeeeeeee,  not shivaaaay. wazzaaaa ragini! 😆😆😆

lol ragini is so casualllll and nonchalant. i’m fucking loving it. 😂😂😂

omfg ragini planning double dates in the future! I LOVE HER!!!! 😂😂😂

godddd, dadi and pinky are in the house? ugh. itne din se shanti thiiiiii. 😣😣😣

“sabka dimaag kharab ho gaya hai. koi kuch bhi kar raha hai.” 

that’s it. that’s the whole show. you’re all caught up on 300+ episodes. you’re welcome. 😌😌😌

bechaara om. akele ladega in sab paglon se. bhagwan mere bachche ko shakti de. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

speaking of shakti, where is he? why isn’t he here to say a few choice stern words at his crazyass son? 😐😐😐

as usual, righteously angry om is hella hot and turning me onnnnn. ouff. 😍😍😍

shivaay didn’t bother telling omRu also. waah. new level of sneakiness. 😯😯😯

rudra is already onnnnn it, bruh. he called in the most effective reinforcements last night itself. watch the bulbul fly in and sweetlyyyyy placate bade bhaiyya and bhaujai. 😚😚😚😇😇😇

tu kahan tadi chod rahi hai, jo usko chodne ko keh rahi hai. maro dono, bewakoof. 😒😒😒

oh great. pinky is here. 😐😐😐

tumhare bete ne hi order kiya hai yeh horrible pheeka... whatever this is. jaake usko bol. 😒😒😒

blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, pinky. 🙄🙄🙄

oooooooh, anika has HAD. ENOUGH. time for pinkyyyyy to hear some kadwaaaa sach. ✋🏽✋🏽✋🏽

“PYAAR SHIVAAY SE HAI. AUR HAMESHA RAHEGA.” 

bitch, tell HIM that. not his snotty mom. 😒😒😒

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS BITCH!!!!!!!!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

blah blah blah bhavya’s mission. really don’t care. 🙄🙄🙄

lol om pacing in frustration at EVERYONE in his life. 😆😆😆

ASSHOLE, KYUN, TERE PHONE MEIN OUTGOING CALLS NAHI LAGTE KYA? TU BHI TOH PHONE KAR SAKTA HAI. 😒😒😒

watch the bulbullllll waltz in like a bawssssse bitchhhh. 😎😎😎

OH GOD NO NOT THIS HORRIBLE CANDY TRICK AGAIN. 😫😫😫

ok that SHOULD have fully broken the mirror. 😐😐😐

OH MY HEART, HIS FACE. LOOK AT HIS SMILE. I KNOW I SHOULD BE MAD AT HIM BUT OMG HIS FAAAAAAAAAAAAACE. 😭😭😭😭😭

LOOK AT HIM LOOKING AT HER, DUDES. HOLY HEART EYES. 😍😍😍

meanwhile queen be like “bitch, you really ain’t all that. met quite the few hot boys in pune, got 43 proposals already. watch your back.”

should have thrown it directly at his head like you did at shivaay’s in that first mahasangam ep, gauri. kam se kam this one’s brain would have been jolted and he’d start thinking straight. 😒😒😒

YES ONLY AS BAHU. meaning, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. AND MY HEART. 🙅🏽🙅🏽🙅🏽🙅🏽

tune maafi maangi hi kahaan, maaf karne ke liye. 😤😤😤

what the fuck is wrong with this boss of bhavya’s. he’s so.... random. 😕😕😕 

oh boy. bhavya’s car is the one that’s gonna blow up with shivaay in it??? 😬😬😬

this rudy - chiraiyya alliance is the stuff that omki’s nightmares are made of. 🙃🙃🙃

lmao, yeh kaunse vasco de gama ki gun hai (kiske mama ki gun hai??? 😂😂😂😂😂😂) that this sultan is using??? 🤣🤣🤣

oh god. tomorrow is not only going to be full of rona dhona and family drama, but basically looks like they recycled that ep where shivaay’s chopper blew up. oufffffffff. awaiiii ka boring. 😒😒😒

[fragrantae]

Polaroids

A/N: Fluff? Angst? No smut? New era, new me ~ jk (lol) here’s a new fic because i am inspired <3

please like, comment/dm/reblog your opinions and feedback for this story! it would mean so much to me :))

pairing: jungkookxreader

word count: 5.6

Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

‘Ding! Ding!’ the last two rings of the café’s bell signaled the end of your shift – the last one before the one-week break your boss had promised.

“Well, that’s it for today!” the cashier chirped as she whipped her cap off and flew out the door, with no regards about anything still unorganised in the store.

Another week of your mediocre life had successfully passed by and you honestly could not be more prepared to do absolutely nothing. 

Dragging yourself towards the employee’s coat-hooks, you nearly slipped on a spill of honey when two strong arms gripped your elbows from behind. Knowing you only had one male co-worker, your shrugged it off with a quick, “Thanks, Matt.”

Oh, how mistaken were you. “Matt?” The unfamiliar voice called, causing you to spin your head around ridiculously fast to catch a glimpse of the stranger’s face, but instead being unable to catch yourself from slipping on the honey again. Thankfully, just as he did a few seconds ago, you were captured and saved in his hold. You inhaled a gasp, catching a whiff of his light cologne whilst having your gaze locked on his firm chest, afraid to bring it up to his face. Immediately you tried to regain your composure, managing yourself to straighten your uniform.

“Sorry- thanks- thank you- aaah- bye,” you squeaked out shyly, and a little too rapidly for you to enunciate the words correctly. The tall figure gave you a puzzled look. Your eyes locked with his for a good second or two before you turned on your heel to pack up. You could feel his gaze burn through your back, sending tingles up your neck. Before you reached the corner, you could hear a low, faint chuckle from him. You tried not to think much of it.

The strings of your apron felt heavier than they usually were as you slung it onto a hook. Pulling your cap off passively, you took a deep breath, continuing to pull it down only halfway to cover your face and vision. You let out an exhausted sigh. Thoughts flooded your head to no extent of all the possible debts and additional work hours you’d need to complete for the extra cash. The goal was in reach; your motivation, however, was not.

A nudge to your side brought you out of your trance: it was no surprise when you fully took the cap off did you find your co-worker, Kate, beaming with her pearly-white smile. From the look on her face you could already tell what she saw and what she wanted to know. “I saw the way you looked at hot-stuff just now,” she smirked, a suggestive look on her face.

“You really should make sure the honey actually gets in the tea when you squeeze it out,” you smiled lightheartedly, amused by her interest, but not enough to play it through, “wasn’t it you who said we shouldn’t be wasting any resources?”

Kate simply rolled her eyes at your response, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Don’t try to get out of this one – who was the cutie you talked to? He seems new around these parts.”

Was he really that attractive? All you could remember were his deep, chocolate irises which you were somehow entranced by – something that hadn’t happened to you for a long time. “I’ve never seen him either. I didn’t even catch his name,” you shrugged.

“Damn it, Y/n!” She grumbled in annoyance, before heading away from your stance to join the real Matt. It sounded as if she was more interested on getting the stranger for herself rather hooking you two up. Not that you cared, but the thought of someone caring would’ve been nice.

Once you’d gathered all the little knick-knacks you couldn’t leave without (not forgetting to smuggle a few pastries and sachets in your sling bag) you exited the cozy café, stepping into the frigid autumnal weather. Kids rode their bikes and skates around the park, filling the area with cheerful laughter. The elderly fed the ducks, a group of mothers chatted as they supervised their kids whilst their baby prams were all bunched together – as though they were having a ritual of some sort –, and around this time, other people were clocking out of their workplaces, catching the next bus ride or shimmying into their vehicles to reach the comforts of their homes as soon as possible. Everyone seemed to have fallen into this path and structure of life; the young enjoy their youth, the elderly basked in their old ages, and everyone else managed to fit in one way or another. Hopefully you wouldn’t.

Since graduating university, you decided to take upon a more relaxed and enjoyable lifestyle, rather than the hustling life of businesswoman. As a part-time journalist and photographer, you were able to pursue your hobbies whilst still earning some cash. It wasn’t much to afford a grand mansion of any sort, but a cute little apartment home in New York with a cityscape was more than enough for your tastes. Still, the additional bit where you worked as a barista helped pay off any extra expenses or perhaps get you that new lens you saw in a magazine. You were always told that you should have just stuck to finance, engineering, or medication, but you felt as though there was more to your life than numbers and screwdrivers. The ‘American dream’ was never really yours, but all that mattered was that you enjoyed life as it was.

The weekend was calling you. You could already smell the scent of freshly brewed chamomile tea and sweet scones. You’d sit by your windowsill with a novel in hand and chill for once. Stepping into your single-floor apartment, a strong waft of receipts and cash greeted you, and you were reminded of how your bills were piling up and you still had a few unpaid debts to deal with. To anyone else, they might’ve considered working overtime at four different jobs to pay it off, yet to you, there was no actual reason to rush. Sighing in exhaustion, you slipped off your flats and lightly kicked them to a corner, before plopping face-first onto your bed. Rolling over, a grunt roared in your throat, “Fuck.”

Getting off your mattress the next day, the bedsheets followed. The white fabric was stained with several patches of your foundation and mascara; a usual result of the whole ‘plopping onto bed’ part of your evening. Yet you still insisted in using the blank covers as they were an aesthetic touch to your little home. The sound of the kettle hissing – do people still use kettles? – caught your attention.

For the past three years, everything seemed to go about like clockwork, no matter how you tried to spice things up. Movies with friends became the norm. Diversity in clients and models still brought no shock to you with each passing face. Relationships came and went like the sheets on a calendar. Maybe you were missing something. Or perhaps … someone. Ridiculous, you thought, shaking your head. You had everything you desired and a little more; at least that’s what you believed. You scrolled through a news feed on your little pink iPhone nonchalantly, seeing the general posts about upcoming concerts, political brouhaha and maybe food porn here and there; nothing out of the average. ‘Come on Y/n, you’ve got a whole week to yourself… make the most of it,’ the voice in your head urged. But what was there to do in your little quiet humble abode, situated in a frenzied city?

With no luck, three precious days had passed by without much notice. The autumn leaves outside your window created a sheen, tangerine screen against the glass – something it did every. single. year. At that moment, Asleep by The Smiths played on full blast throughout your apartment, practically quaking the lifeless soul within you (or maybe dimming it further). The plush surface of your comforters and its warmth compensated for the lack of attention and affection you felt. You didn’t think it was possible but all the free-time you had on your hands made your life more noticeably bland than it did before. You even found the time to count all the beans in your coffee jar. Sighing in exasperation became a casualty for you.

‘As time passes by, we only mess it up even more,’ you suddenly heard, the ringtone cutting off The Smiths. You weren’t one to bother with specific ringtones for specific people – therefore this could have been anyone. Today did not feel like a day to answer calls. Neither did yesterday, or the day before that, or any other day in the past month. Unanswered calls piled atop each other, and would have reached the eighth floor if an iPhone could represent every call. For some reason, you couldn’t care less about the urgency in everyday-life matters anymore.

“Ugh!” rolling over, you snatched the little box, sliding a finger to reject the call. Feisty: it was. Erratic vibrating erupted again, but this time the caller’s end was a little luckier. You let out an irritated sigh. Whatever, let’s get this over with. With your fakest tone, you picked it up, “Hello, this is the Jones’s residence, how may I assist you?” You pulled off the lie with little to no effort. It wasn’t anything new from you.

“Um, I thought this was Y/n’s number?”

You recognised the voice. It was sweet old Mrs Jeon, one of the frequent customers who visited your shop. She was as kind as a saint, sometimes even bringing cookies for you despite you telling her that you got some for free at times anyway. “Oh, it’s you Mrs Jeon,” you laughed, a little embarrassed that you were caught, “is there anything you need help with? The café’s closed for the week.”

“I’m aware of that sweetie; how are you lately?”

Small talk was never really your thing. It was a waste of time in your opinion. But you couldn’t just shut her out – you were too polite to do that. “Life’s been all peaches and sunshine lately. I was thinking about heading to a festival in town this fri-“

“So sorry to cut this call short sweetie, but I’m in a little rush and I was hoping you could do me a favour.” Her voice was hurried. She must’ve been late for an event of some sort. “You see, I need to be at a friend’s event by two today, and I haven’t the time to find someone to look after my son. You have a little sister, right? You should know the basics of this – do you think you could help out?”

Babysitting? That was new. Based on your lackadaisical way of life, you realised you had never been one to feel responsible for anything. A child of your own was nowhere in mind; watching another’s shouldn’t be too bad ‘tho, right? “Sure, I’d love to be of help! Is there anything specific I need to know about the child, maybe his age or diet-“

You were cut off was again by her voice in through the call, the sounds of things falling and her heaving breaths followed. “Nothing out of the ordinary, dear. Just make sure he doesn’t get into trouble and leave the house.” And with that, the phone call hung up.

You sighed, unsure of what to prepare for the child. Games? Toys? Snacks? At the end you came to the conclusion that the child should just suck it up and play with his own toys. You weren’t obligated to be a little extra.

You reached the address at once, arriving in a seemingly average and suburban neighborhood home near the outskirts, taking a brief glance behind you but alas the streets were empty yet you assured yourself that whatever lay beyond the door was probably just a fierce midget. Just as you were about to press the doorbell, a note caught your attention:

‘Dear Y/n,

Sorry for the unexpected call, but I won’t be home until tomorrow and I am in need of someone to take care of my sweet little Kookie while I’m gone. I’ve left some money on the counter if you need any; $200 is for you. It should be enough for your troubles.

Thank you so much, dear.

Mrs Jeon.’

… I did not sign up for this shit. How absurd was this? The responsibility of a child dropped upon your shoulders in a matter of seconds! ‘Kookie’ – who names their child after a snack? The overwhelming weight of this request was reminding you of all the other things in your life that you could and should be doing. At least my debts are taken care of…

“That’s true. Get a grip, Y/n. You’ve done this before. This- this is just more official. And paid…” The self-encouragement came out easier than anticipated.

As you opened the door, a familiar scent lingered, but you couldn’t put a finger on what it was. No pictures hung on the walls, the carpet a simple dark grey, and the overall-white interior made the dwelling seem ghastly to it’s touch. No form of life could be sensed. If you didn’t know any better, no one seemed at home, and an easy thought would have been the child had run away. Something you would do too. Not a speck of dust in sight and not a single item out of place.

The orderly structure of everything reminded you of your own parents and you old home, and it disgusted you greatly. You blamed half of your depressive outlook of life on them. Verbal and emotional abuse were no strangers to your household, neither were the tears or neglect. Since you left, you never dared to visit them, or you sister. It was cowardly of you to ditch her with the fiends, but you couldn’t bring yourself to look into their eyes for another second.

“You are a horrid excuse of a child! Shit, shit, shitty little twat! I should’ve known better than to raise a worthless whore!”

His voice rang through the hallways, awakening the entire neighborhood, but alas, his stance was not ruptured for everyone who knew him feared him. Some said he had been arrested for several murders several times in the past. How he got out? Who knows. Your figure trembled beneath his towering build, and the sharp edges of the broken bottle was no help in acquiescing the rate of your breaths. You winced as his shoes inched closer towards you, the slight contact at you calves sending a jolt of alert through your system.

Heels clicked against the floor as she neared the two of you, “Baby, maybe you should be a little easy on our princess, don’t you think. I’m sure she’ll learn from her mistakes.” The devil purred into his ear, trailing her lips on his stubby jaw.

“To heck she’ll learn to understand anything! Photography and arts? Get a real life! I’m not paying for you to study lens focusing and pretty flowers!”

The room began to expand, its walls growing in distance from one another. You felt so helpless and small on the floor.

From what you could recall, that was the last of your encounters. Nothing saved you from their torment. Nobody but yourself.

The muffled movements from a room upstairs indicated that someone else was in the house; you took it as a sign the child slept in.

Propped nicely on a couch, you reviewed one of your latest projects. The shots were of a woman dancing the flamenco in a room tainted with ebony on a marble floor. The ruffles of the woman’s red dress were the same as a rippling ocean before a storm. The rose between her lips still clutched onto its thorns, as it pierced into her bite and caused little trickles of blood to seep out. You were hesitant with the concept, initially, yet through her explanation of her metaphorical outlook on the idea you became eased with the subject. The images were clear and dynamic, and you were paid a great deal for the photos.

“Great pictures you got there,” a sudden gush of air swept along your cheek, the words rang into your ear. It wasn’t the voice of child.

“Who the fuck are you?”

The man was a little taken aback by your reaction. From where you stood, you studied him. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, his jaw tensing a bit. Giving him a quick once-over, you realised he was very fit and much, much taller than you (in other words, he had the physical advantage if you two were to battle). After a few more seconds of silence, the tension subsided on its own, and he took it as a cue to speak, “I live here.”

“Ha! As if. I’m supposed to be looking after a child. What did you do to him?” The interrogation heightened, although it was mostly on your part, for he was not phased even the slightest bit. It was until one side of his mouth pulled up to be a lopsided smile, the other followed, and soon after the stranger was laughing his guts out on the floor. You whipped out your phone hastily to snap a picture of him, sending it straight to Mrs Jeon with the caption, ‘I’m calling the cops.’

The room grew quieter as he got up, laughter dying out. An amused glint played in his eyes, his arms crossed and s smirk splayed on his lips. He was waiting, just as you were.

Your phone finally buzzed, signaling her reply. ‘Did he cause any trouble? Did he try to sneak out?’

‘No. And no. Do you know him?’

The tone of her text was not surprised at all, and you got the disturbing feeling that this was the ‘child’ you were assigned. ‘That’s Kookie. Hope he’s not being a handful.’

No. Fucking. Way. “You’re Kookie?”

‘Kookie’ took a step closer, evidently greater than you in height, “Call me Jungkook.” His hair was swiped off his forehead, letting you get a full view of his face. His eyes gleamed in the low-lit room. If you weren’t so perplexed you might’ve mistaken him as a part-time model (the looks definitely wouldn’t deny). He took a step towards you. On their own accord, your foot stepped back. And another, and another, until the back of your knees hit the side of the couch and had you falling back. Looking straight ahead of you, your eyes locked with his as he walked to the front of the couch to sit on the arm closer to your head. His gaze was mellow with hooded eyelids, and whatever shock you felt before was replaced a surge of nervousness and curiosity.

You looked up to see his bore into yours. He leaned passively, his hands sliding from beneath the lobes of your ears until his fingertips traced your jawline. His face moved closer to your, although he was upside-down from your point of view. He brought his lips to the skin between your collarbone and neck, trailing light nips up your jawline to your chin. The fingers which cupped the sides of your face left to move to the sides of your shoulders, rubbing the sides of your arms reaching to your hands and interlocking your fingers. He gently caught your bottom lip between his teeth, tugging at the swollen petal. The sparks buzzing around you were frantic. His touch against your skin was feathery, yet electricity flowed through your veins because of it. Because of him.

Alas, the ringing of a grandfather clock from another room broke the silence. He gave you a final peck, before pulling himself off. You felt his teeth against your lip, the sparks style exhilarating as his body completely left yours.

You then realised how inappropriate what just happened was. Kissing the owner’s child? While you were doing a favour? You were lucky enough to be getting paid for this, but was that part of the job?

“Oh my god; I’m so sorry that happened. What was I thinking?” The words stumbled out of you as you pushed yourself off the couch to face him.

Jungkook did nothing but laugh, his eyes closed and his mouth with the biggest grin you’ve ever seen. You haven’t seen something so – adorable, beautiful, in such a long time, you practically forgot its existence. This wasn’t anything sadistic (as you would normally encounter) or bitterly humorous or sarcastic – he was genuinely amused with your reaction. “It’s okay,” his laughter faded, yet the smile still spread on his face, “that was exactly what I thought when we first met.”

Your eyes widened in surprise, “We’ve met? I- I don’t remember you…”

His smile suddenly faltered, his eyebrows creased the tiniest bit to how a hint of concern, “We met at the coffee shop, remember? I caught you as you fell.” You closed your eyes to search for the memory, any way to reminisce the scene. And as if a wave washed over you, images played of you slipping twice into the arms of a muscular stranger. And his eyes: dark and capturing. He took your hand in his, “I felt sparks that day, and I just knew we’d meet again – didn’t you?”

The look in his eyes pled you to say you did, but did you? “Um, well, you’re- uh- really hot.” Your answer didn’t please him, and seemed to upset him a little further. “I’m really sorry this wasn’t how you thought it would work.” Guilty. You could recall clearly how flustered and somewhat excited you were when it happened that day. The feeling wasn’t all-too consuming, but it was there.

You tried to turn away and get a glass of water, anything to reduce the tension, but a hand around your wrist halted you in your tracks. His touch was fire, and you wanted more of it. But you couldn’t get yourself to believe it. So many people you’ve loved and devoted a good portion of your emotions to became greedy and manipulated your thoughts to make you like you were in the wrong. It’s probably been a year since your last relationship, and it ended more for mental stability reasons than emotional equilibrium.

“Let me take you out.”

The offer was too inviting to reject, but for those few seconds, you held your stance, silent and anticipating.

“I believe that people come and go, and I also believe that fate does crazy things to people for both good and bad,” Woah, things got personal there, “but believe me when I say that I felt something promising in that café that day. I was honestly just checking behind the counter for some extra sugar ‘cause the cashier just sashayed out of the store before I could ask. I didn’t even see you until you slipped and I just- felt a force pulling me to save you. Ah, you probably think I’m mad for saying these things, but when I clutched onto you, it just felt so right, like two puzzle pieces or something. I felt dumbfounded that I’d be drawn to these things, but I had the feeling that we’d meet again.” He paused, looked down to his feet as though thinking he was coming off as lunatic or insane, but smiled to himself with a hint of hope. “Whether or not we’ll be together forever, at least let me show you a great time.”

In your head, his words played out the scene, and for some reason, everything seemed to fall into place: the cashier, the honey, you and him. As if fate was playing its course. Taking a deep breath, and your eyes closed. It was time to believe in goodness, again.

Quarter-to-three now. The two of you ambled about the carnival, Jungkook having bought you candy floss despite you insisting him that you brought some money and could have bought it yourself. He waved you off, telling you he’s just ‘that kind of guy’. Typical. Still, he was good company, and the more you got to know him the more you’d ask yourself, ‘Where has he been all my life?’.

“- so, I don’t get it. You’re even older than me for god’s sake. Why does she still call you ‘Kookie’? It’s really misleading to address someone as Kookie and expect a twenty-five-year-old rather than six-year-old.”

Jungkook only pinched a bit of the floss off and fluffed over your nose, making you scrunch it like a child as it tickled you, before he brought it to your lips for you to taste. His fingers lingered on your lips half a second longer than necessary, but you felt as though he was letting you have a second chance at youth. It was enthralling. He gave out a light chuckle, “She’s been calling me that since I was five. I’ve been telling her to quit it when I was eight, when I was fifteen, seventeen, even twenty-one, but I guess the name just stuck to her. And it keeps me feeling young and humble.”

The quiet rustling of his camera bag was covered by the laughter and cheers from the people around you: couples, children, stallholders, and of the sort. You nipped at the last bit of the plush, pink sweetness, before tossing the stick in a bin. “How come I’ve never seen you in this neighbourhood?”

“I’m here for a week to visit my mom. Then I’m flying out to Seoul again.”

“South Korea?”

“Yeah.” Fate was really testing the waters. Just when spontaneity struck you and you grasped it so eagerly, you’d lose it all by the end of the week. Jungkook noticed your unease, but knew exactly its cause. “You have nothing to worry about, ‘tho. Now that I’ve found you, I’ll have more of a reason to come back more often.”

You felt numb. As you always did. Maybe it was foolish of you to think things were falling into place so suddenly. Maybe it was just the world picking its days to be cruel. Whatever it was, you didn’t like it one bit. Pulling you closer from the side, into the warmth of his chest, Jungkook rested his chin at the top of your hair, radiating comfort to your bitter self. “What hope should I keep when the odds don’t seem to be in our favour?” The thought of him leaving didn’t sit with you well. In the span of an hour or so, it felt like you’ve known each other for years. You couldn’t fathom the thought of him not being with you.

“We’ll make the most of what we can. Things will work out.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because that’s how I found you.” Before you could respond, his soft lips met yours. You could taste the sugar on his tongue. His cinnamon scent filled your nostrils, pulling you closer to him if that was even possible. He pulled away, out of breath and mesmerised, “Have I told your how beautiful I think you are?” He tucks a lock of hair behind your ear, “Every time I mention anything remotely elating or adorable, your voice raises a pitch and a sparkle plays in your eyes as you giggle to yourself. I notice you cover your mouth when you laugh – why? It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.”

You couldn’t stop the rosy tint spreading on your cheeks. Strrrp. Jungkook ripped open the velcro cover of his bag to pull out a polaroid camera. It looked nothing like your DSLR, and you knew for sure the image quality was not guaranteed perfection. You were pulled tightly into a hug when he snapped a pic of the two of you. This was very unusual for you. Normally you’d have set up an entire set for models to pose in, the lighting would be artificial and set to perfection, and your camera would be in all the right angles. But not with Jungkook. He just took the picture.

The film rolled out from the top. As the picture appeared, you observed how natural it looked. Your cheek was pressed into his chest and your hair curled by your face. Only Jungkook’s mouth could be seen because of the angle he took it from. The smile on his face was so heart-melting, and assured you that he was loving the moment just as much as you were. The picture itself was a little blurry, a bit under-exposed, and was overall very small. Nothing like what you’ve worked with. You realised that there was more to life than what’s in stall in the box. From a different angle, photography could be leisureful, yet still hold so much meaning. More than just an ambition.

“You can keep these.”

It was nearly eight. You were so caught up with the thrill of adrenaline from everything that happened earlier you didn’t realise he had been calling you.

“Oh, pardon. I didn’t catch that.”

He held out thirteen polaroids of the thirty-ish you took earlier. A few were of you, a few more were shots of him which you took, but most were pictures oh you and him, food, or you and him with food. “You can keep these, you know, to look back at after the week ends.”

“Ah yes, the week ends, and you leave.” Unlike earlier, however, you didn’t feel as bad at the thought of him leaving. What he gave you today was better than what anyone had given over the last twenty-three years of your life: hope. Immense, fulfilling hope. “But you won’t leave until next week, so we’ll have all the time this week to be together.”

The two of you stepped forward as it was finally your turn to get on the Ferris wheel. “I still have to spend quality time with my mother, you know.” He tried to pull off a stern look, but broke into laughter soon after.

“Sweet old Mrs Jeon.”

All the polaroids hung lazily against your wall. Call it a teenage aesthetic, but the strings and little clothespins really did add a cute touch to it. You’ve taken such a liking for the polaroids that now the strings stretched across every wall in your apartment. You’ve never taken such a sentimental liking for these overpriced sheets, but now, you wouldn’t trade them for anything.

You were tip-toeing to pin up another photo when too large hands grabbed you by the waist to lift you up, catching you by surprise. A hearty giggle strung out of you as tried to focus on hanging the pictures, but your fingers were tangled by the mere thought that the person who had you in his hold was smiling at your figure too. Setting you down, you instantly swiveled around and locked your wrists behind his neck. His hands pulled you closer by the waist, and instinctively you wrapped your legs around his waist. Your lips found his in a deep kiss, the taste you’ve longed for the past few months rushing into your mouth like sweet candy.

“Happy Valentines, babe,” Jungkook whispered, forehead pressed against your, his gaze never leaving.

You cooed back with your love-struck tone, “Happy Valentines.”

“Three years already? I don’t know how I was lucky enough to find someone like you. But I’m sure glad I did.” The smiled etching on his face reflected yours, being the two lovebirds in the room made it sickening for anyone else to be present there.

You pushed a bit of his hair off his forehead, letting you see him so fully, with nothing to hide. He was perfect in every little way, and you loved every bit of him. The puzzle pieces were falling into place.

“But, I don’t think I’ll visit New York after this break.”

You snapped your eyes open and went rigid. Wide-eyed and silent. For a split-second your heart dropped. “You- what?”

“Y/n, from the day our paths crossed, I just had the feeling that we were destined, and that with the effort and commitment, we’d be together forever. Three years later we’re standing in a room filled with memories, struggles, and pain, but so, so much love, that I wouldn’t give you up for anything. But I can’t keep waiting for months before I can get to see and feel you in my arms again.”

Tears were pricking in your eyes. You didn’t think after all this time it would end like this. You two were so in love. Why would he suddenly just feel like-

“Would you move to Seoul to live with me?

You held your breath at that. Time froze in that moment. Your heart stopped and the only thing you could hear were his light breaths as he waited for your answer. Seoul. South Korea. Nearly halfway across the world, a whole set of foreign places and foreign faces.

But what about New York? What about the life you’ve built on your own? All you’ve endeavored – with your parents? with your dreams? – all the choices you’ve made to get yourself what you wanted. Would leaving be worth it?

Jungkook’s head hung low as he suspected you were skeptical with the idea. He knew you’ve grown dearly with the city, and to rip you away from it was unquestionable. But what he didn’t expect was when your small hands cupped the sides of his face to bring his lips to yours.

“Yes.”

Because it was certain, that things made a lot more sense with him by your side, and that polaroid films were plentiful in stock wherever you were.

You pulled away from the kiss, “I love you, Jeon Jungkook.”

[thesummerfox]

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 whoever the fuck you want

I was tagged by the fabulous @goddamnitkastle and @laura--howlett , thank you both so much! I’m tagging @wolveria, @emanationman, @thewonderginger, @sonicskullsalt, @carry-the-sky, @wasleichtes, @secondary2mary , @kteague , and @theycallmeeverlasting with absolutely no pressure to do this cos it’s a lot of stuff but if you’re bored like me.. go give it your best shot? 

Setting this under a read more cos I doubt anyone wants my babbling on their dash..

The Last …

1. drink: apple juice

2. phone call: I think I called mom to let her know what time I’d be coming home

3. text message: one from work asking if I remembered a password cos the entire IT dept is out on holiday and they couldn’t access a laptop lol

4. song you listened to: Na Na Na by Pentatonix

5. time you cried: ugly cry has been a while but casual cry was a few days ago

Have you ever ...

6. dated someone twice: I’m not sure how they mean this question but I’ve never casually dated, I’ve always been friends with people first and ‘dating’ felt a lot like hanging out (except with more kissing lol) so I dunno?

7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope. I love kissing people and I do way too little of that so my only regret is not kissing more people haha!

8. been cheated on: not to my knowledge.

9. lost someone special: Yes, either because they died or because they left my life. 

10. been depressed: oh yes. My last major episode’s been a while, but I get downer moods like no tomorrow after I come off one of my high-as-a-kite moods so that’s a lot of fun. *eyerolls* Always have to be careful in fall/winter cos I’m more susceptible to a depressive bender in those months.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: I’ve never even gotten drunk lol -- tipsy is the most I can manage because I’m a controlfreak like whoa

Favorite Colors…

12. Sky blue

13. Dark purple

14. Sunshine yellow/bright pink (hah I can’t choose!)

In The Last Year Have You…

15. made new friends: yesss

16. fallen out of love: nope. Been a while since I’ve been in it, if I’ve ever been at all.

17. laughed until you cried: that’s the best kind, so absolutely! I am the type to just start laughing hysterically or crack a few jokes that are funny to nobody but me so you can imagine that I’m not a stranger to just laughing so hard that I start crying

18. found out someone was talking about you: yeah, in both good and bad ways

19. met someone who changed you: always -- in big and small ways

20. found out who your friends are: thankfully, yes. 

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yes

General

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: it’s a 50/50 cos I hate using FB for anything other than games and I have added people I only know from online interactions before cos they’re awesome and I wanna see what’s up in their lives

23. do you have any pets: not anymore =(

24. do you want to change your name: nah, I’m good with my name. My name and I are best friends right around now lol

25. what did you do for your last birthday: uhh I don’t recall what I did on the day itself but I know that I went to see the movie Jackie not too long after my birthday and called it my birthday outing so that’s that

26. what time did you wake up: 5am because my brain hates me

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: getting ready for bed

28. name something you can’t wait for: new Game of Thrones season

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: she’s literally in the next room so like 10 seconds ago lol -- I still live at home

31. what are you listening to right now: chirping birds in the backyard

32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah

33. something that is getting on your nerves: the godawful holiday schedule that public transport’s got going on right now holy shit I’m so pissed

34. most visited website: Tumblr

35. hair color: it’s red right now but my natural colour is brown

36. long or short hair: I’m growing it back out to long

37. do you have a crush on someone: when do I not seriously

38. what do you like about yourself: I'm pretty intelligent and creative but I gotta tell ya that the thing I like most about myself is the devil-may-care Aquarius attitude to fashion/make-up that winds up with me mixing patterns and colours and going full-tilt cray with blue lipstick

39. piercings: I just have a hole in each ear so I can wear earrings but then forget about that a lot so I’m stabbing my own ears every so often just to keep them from closing up

40. blood type: I have no idea

41. nickname: no real nickname going on at the moment

42. relationship status: single and too picky to mingle lol

43. zodiac: Aquarius

44. pronouns: She/her.

45. favorite tv show: BANSHEE (I’m sorry I’m all-capsing the fuck outta this but this show is insane in the best way and I want y’all to start watching it if you haven’t already okay good thank me later for your traumas)

46. tattoos: I haven’t got one but I keep thinking about getting one but I’m a chickenshit with a low pain tolerance so eh

47. right or left handed: right-handed

48. surgery: I had some work on my teeth done like ages ago but I’ve never been in hospital for anything 

49. piercing: aside from my earring holes, absolutely nada

50. sport: I took ballet back when I was tiny but lately the most I do is occasional yoga

51. vacation: I’m not going anywhere this year that I know of but I like doing citytrips and a lot of sightseeing stuff

52. pair of trainers: Skechers are awesome for my feet so I’ve got a fair few of those -- I tend to walk around in trainers a lot cos I’m always on the go and cannot walk long distances in crap shoes

More General

53. eating: I’m a superpicky eater but I like my fruit and veg, haha (and the last thing I ate was bread and strawberry jam)

54. drinking: I live off fruit juice and water

55. i’m about to: stare at my screen some more cos I have a writer’s block looming over my long fic

56. waiting for: my holidays to start omg

57. want: to buy a car and move out of the house but in this current economy that’s like saying “I need a ticket to the miracle express”

58. get married: someday, maybe? I’m not seeing anyone and you really do need more than one person for that adventure

59. career: I have one? but it’s like a career born out of necessity that doesn’t totally suck to do on a daily basis and the career I want (I just wanna write let me write) is not constructive as a way to pay the bills

60. hugs or kisses: BOTH. I hug people more than I kiss ‘em but I’m all for both

61. lips or eyes: eyes are the window of the soul yo

62. shorter or taller: I’m relatively tall so my inner circle of people consists of both shorter (mostly girls) and taller (Dutch folks tend to be skyscrapers)

63. older or younger: I’m friends with people much older and quite a bit younger than me -- I really don’t care about that. all my relationships have been with guys who were a bit older tho

64. nice arms or nice stomach: ARMSSS I have a thing with nice hands/arms you don’t even know

65. hook up or relationship: relationship, never done random hook-ups

66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant (I blame my Cap stellium omg)

67. kissed a stranger: noooo but I totally would not gonna lie

68. drank hard liquor: hahahahahaha oh no

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: nah, I may forget where I put them but I never lost them

70. turned someone down: yeah I’ve had to do that, it’s not fun but if I’m really not feelin’ it I’m not gonna pretend otherwise -- I really fucking hate it when people don’t take a polite “no” for an answer though

71. sex on the first date: depends on how long I’ve actually known someone? if they’re a total stranger, then nope, but if we were friends before dating I just might

72. broken someone’s heart: yes, probably, but I didn’t stick around to watch them fall apart cos I was that done with the relationship and he really really really had it comin’ so I hope I shattered it tbh

73. had your heart broken: yeah but I bounced back all right from that so my guess is that I haven’t crashed and burned the way some folks do over heartbreak

74. been arrested: nah

75. cried when someone died: I have done both the ugly sobbing that just makes everything stream out in a cascade of tears and snot (yeah lol tmi) and the dry-eyed thing that eventually ended in a breakdown months later so uhhuh

76. fallen for a friend: always. not in that I always fall in love with my friends, lol, but in that I have to be friends with someone if I’m really gonna fall for them that way imo

Do You Believe In …

77. yourself:  hell to the yes I do

78. miracles: I think the universe provides for us and sometimes blindsides us in a way that makes us think miracles are real

79. love at first sight: I’ve had it happen and it’s not fun so I wanna stop believing in that okay thanks

80. santa claus: I used to, like I seriously hallucinated reindeer noises at one point

81. kiss on the first date: yes please

82. angels: yes

Other

83. current best friends’ names: they know who they are

84. eye color: green

85. favorite movie: Wonder Woman! (to absolutely nobody’s surprise? hah)