#been feeling bad recently so i am back to my comfort which is learning about these amazing machines ❤️

[fettiowi]

Remembering when that post about the anniversary of PONG was going around saying like happy anniversary to VIDEO GAMES and i had just woken up and got kinda mad and went on a whole tangent in the tags while half asleep. That was great

[iamespecter]

I've been thinking a lot about episode 4 recently, but not exactly in a way that what most would think. I'm actually specifically referring to this scene of Zooble and Jax.

But I'm not thinking about Jax and Zooble, rather I'm looking at the patties.

They're fucking High Definition. In fact, everything in the diner is high definition, save for the NPCs. There's also Orbsman. A simple NPC comprised of blue spheres, and simple elongated eyes. He's the most out of place NPC, if we disregard the mannequins. Even the way he moves is so outdated, and Ragatha had made a point that Orbsman comes from an adventure way before Pomni's arrival.

The guy even clips through the table when trying to order.

Something that always had some sirens going off in my head is how the Circus is this low-poly scenery with heavily stylized props, but the adventure locations are always much more detailed and realistic.

Since The Grounds is definitely, if not, one of the oldest locations, it makes sense for it to be graphically styled like this. But Caine's adventure set pieces are becoming more and more realistic, and also a whole lot more morbid than we had initially thought.

Going back to the patties, the food there is more realistic and has a higher polygon count compared to Bubble's "feast".

Where am I going with this? .... I have no idea, I forgot. /j

Jokes aside, I really do think that as more humans enter the circus and talk about what life is in the real world, Caine extracts that data and improves the 3D environmental props, resulting in higher definition textures.

All of this combined means he can learn. He IS an ever-evolving pseudo-sentient AI. And the reason why he's stagnating is because of a combination of being trapped in his own little bubble (haha see what I did there) of comfort, and the fact that no one's really able to give him criticism on how to improve, which is.... honestly understandable, given how he reacted to the whole "it was bad" line from Pomni and "Why did you think I would like that?!" from Zooble.

Not to mention episode 3 where the whole circus started to glitch when he was just thinking about the fact that he could possibly be bad at the "only thing he's good at" during the therapy session.

In fact it's interesting how human Caine acts sometimes... I think it's quite interesting to think about the fact that Caine is both progressing in terms of bringing the casts' world to the digital circus and making it so HD that it looks even better than Triple A games, but regressing even more in terms of catering to them and what exactly humans need.

He understands, and doesn't at the same time.

This also makes me think about the players themselves, too.

Ragatha, one of the oldest players, gets pierced by a spike through her chest, and barely has any reaction to it. Meanwhile, Zooble, the second most recent member, gets scalded by the stove.

The only time Ragatha actively claims she's in "so much pain" is when she's glitching badly. Both Ragatha and Kinger barely react to the knives too; and not to mention Ragatha even gets fucking plunged into a boiling deep fryer, and yes while she screams, it sounds more like she's just drowning rather than being fried alive.

And the only patch up she gets is a FUCKING BAND AID ON HER CHEEK. A COMPLETELY UNRELATED WORKPLACE INJURY FIRST AID APPLIANCE LMFAO

It could be just a coincidence and I'm just being stupid again, but I think this "improvement" actually also applies to the rest of the cast, and how their digital bodies react to the five different senses. I'm sure Ragatha and Kinger can most definitely still feel pain, but not exactly as "bad" as the newer integrations do. Dare I say, it's on brand with how used these two are to the digital world's wackiness because they've been there the longest.

Like they've been numbed to the pain of the countless adventures they've had to go through.

Anyways my brain be thinking useless facts fr fr

EDIT: Going back to Caine, it's definitely interesting how this AI seems to possess (some) emotions in the first place. He's mostly wacky and nonchalant, but he also gets angry under the right conditions.

... I think not only is his adventures his "work of art", but also his main coping mechanism from the fact that he can't achieve his goal, one that constantly backfires on him. Like a 'one step forward, two steps back' scenario that's slowly causing him to slip and break.

And what scares me the most is that like all things... he'll reach a breaking point sometime. He's already reached a breaking point with Zooble. It doesn't help that Gangle could've possibly made things worse with introducing Caine to the whole "punishment" thing, and since we literally have NO context for the last 3 episodes for the finale... I could only fear what's in store.

[thefloatingstone]

I would love to hear about the Flanderisation of Ghibli movies if you're willing to revisit the topic for someone who wasn't in the stream. The term is something I only just learned about recently and I'm really curious how it applied to Ghibli.

Only if you want to, though! I hope the stream was fun for you and everyone else.

Ah I was talking about a tumblr post speaking about this specific thing. How people in the internet really like to emphasise Ghibli movies as

"Oh cottagecore vibes! So cozy!"

And I had someone in my chat ask "are all Ghibli movies just cozy? Because I want to watch them but I need something with a little more teeth." And I had to assure them that aside from Ponyo, Kiki and MAYBE Totoro, Ghibli movies are NOT just cozy cottagecore feel good films and do actually have a LOT of substance to them.

And I don't blame the chat member for thinking ALL Ghibli is that kind of vibe because that is the way the internet as a whole have flanderised the Ghibli movies. Because a LOT of the Ghibli films deal with topics that are not cozy comfort films. Almost every Ghibli film has anti-war messaging, or a plea for nature conservation, or in some way or another a balance getting thrown off that needs correcting.

Sometimes a Ghibli movie is about the friction of different ideologies with no villain or bad guy, like Mononoke. Sometimes it's about responsibilities regarding the long term damage of war and the destruction of the environment like Nausicaa. Sometimes it's about post-war trauma and being anti-fascist like Porco Rosso. Sometimes it's about preserving nature in the face of progress like Pom Poko. Sometimes it's about overcoming the fear of new environments and experiences like Spirited Away. Sometimes it's about losing your passion for something when you make your passion your job like Kiki.

But the internet doesn't like focusing on those parts of Ghibli movies. They want to focus on the soft, comfortable, easily digestible parts of the Ghibli films. Which is why I am convinced Ponyo is probably one of the most popular Ghibli films in the US. You know. The one Ghibli made for toddlers.

Or Howl's Moving Castle which I don't consider to be a good movie. But even Howl's Moving castle has anti-war themes in it. It just takes a very big back-seat to the plot around Sophie. But even that is not what people focus on when they talk about it. The main focus most people have on Howl's Moving Castle is the "romance" between Howl and Sophie which is about as style over substance as you can get. I'm so sorry but it is.

If you look up "Ghibli" on most social media sites you're gonna get a LOT of results, but none of them are going to focus on the actual substance of the films or what they are inherently about at their core. Which is most often humanity and life affirming even or especially in the face of cruelty. Or it will be about the disregard of nature. Not so much from an conservationist perspective, but simply from a perspective of the lack of reverence society currently has of nature.

[Mononoke-hime Theater Program, July 1997]

But all of this substance has been lost when people talk about Ghibli movies in the public space in favour of The aesthetic.

To the point where I have people in my chat asking me if Ghibli HAS any substance to it. Or if they really are just nothing but comfort cozy cottagecore films.

[apenitentialprayer]

i know that as a catholic you just have to believe with what the church says but i really dont like the belief of the original sin, i feel like its such a horrible thing to believe about yourself and about other human beings too

There are actually ways of legitimately dissenting from less essential Church teachings in a way that leaves you in good standing with the Church; I'm not sure if Original Sin is one of those things, though, to be honest.

But, anon, I'm going to offer another perspective here, starting from a quote (perhaps ironically?) from my favorite heretic. One of the things that James Carroll believes is that Original Sin has been given a bad wrap. In Constantine's Sword, he says:

I referred to Augustine’s assertion of the idea that the human condition implies a perennial state of finitude, weakness, and sin, all of which will be overcome, even for the Church, only with the end of time. [...] Augustine is thus regarded as the father of a severe, flesh-hating, sin-obsessed theology, but that dark characterization misses the point of his insight. His honest admission of the universality of human woundedness is a precondition for both self-acceptance and the forgiveness of the other, which for Augustine always involved the operation of God’s grace, God’s gift. Only humans capable of confronting the moral tragedy of existence, matched to God’s offer of repairing grace, are capable of community, and community is the antidote to human woundedness. Augustine sensed that relationship as being at the heart of God, and he saw it as being at the heart of human hope, too. This is a profoundly humane vision.

I wish I had understood the spirit of this quote when I was in high school. I remember learning in my World History class that Islam teaches that all children are born good, and then the world makes them evil. And I remember my teacher asking how that compares with Christianity, and I raised my hand and said that Christianity teaches that all of us are born evil. Because I believed that at the time. And, really, the whole framing of that question was wrong and gave really simplistic representations of what Islam and Christianity teaches, but I don't think we're alone in having internalized that understanding, anon. And that's a shame.

I thin it's important to remember the worldview that the doctrine of Original Sin is actively defending us against; there was an idea, that gets called "Pelagianism" (the poor guy it got named after may not even have believed it), that said that humans were capable of being saved on their own, by their own power. Someone on this site recently asked what people's thoughts on Pelagianism were, so you can read my thoughts here. But to keep it short and sweet, I think Original Sin is an important doctrine because it saves you from the need to be perfect.

There are ways to treat Original Sin that I think are certainly unhealthy, and I think the doctrine can be a source of anxiety and fear. But I also think, very deeply, that Original Sin should be a reason why we treat ourselves and especially our neighbor with kindness and understanding. I can look at myself and say "What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate. […] For I do not do the good that I want, but I do the evil I do not want" (Romans 7:15, 19). And I can say that because I know I am ontologically wounded; that all of us have our weaknesses. That while we may still be in the moral wrong for committing a morally wrong action, our wills are compromised in a way that causes us to incline towards the comfortable and the easy rather than the good.

I wish I could go back in time and tell that class that Christianity does not teach that people are born evil. I wish I could go back and tell them that it teaches that we are born in a state of dis-integration, that we are wounded beings yearning for wholeness; alienated beings seeking everlasting belonging; beings lost in darkness, seeking the light. But I can say it now: the doctrine of Original Sin doesn't have to be an occasion to think you're depraved and without value, but it can be an invitation to come to terms with your own woundedness, because doing that (to use the words of Lutheran theologian Nancy Eiesland) "opens a space for the inflowing of grace and acceptance."

[neverinsignificant]

How I Am Getting Myself Out of A Funk

This past month, I’ve been in a very terrible funk that has left me with overwhelming stress, an unregulated nervous system, feelings of discomfort (hopelessness, worthlessness, etc…), bloating and a bad case of imposter syndrome. I realize I’ve been wallowing in my own self pity and not taking care of myself the way I should, so I am being honest and admitting that I am scared as to what road my life may take if I do not improve where I know I can by taking the necessary steps. Here’s how I’m getting myself out of this funk:

• Taking my iron medication

I was prescribed medication for my iron deficiency anemia years ago and I haven’t been taking them due to my fear of swallowing pills. I use to let them dissolve in orange juice, but I grew to hate the taste and realized I wasn’t getting the full benefits by doing it this way. I have a complicated history with pills and I would like to get over it by learning & possibly speaking with a specialist who can help me get over my fear as iron has many benefits that would be beneficial to my body.

• Growing comfortable with my therapist

I recently started therapy and as much as I like my therapist, it has been hard to open up to them as much as I’d like. I know it’s because this is a new experience, but once I grow the courage to discuss some of the things I really want, I know my stress levels will decrease and mental health improve because I won’t have to worry about them anymore.

• Cultivating gratitude

I complain…. A lot because if it ain’t one thing, it’s another but by cultivating gratitude, I can practice to be more thankful of what I have and lessen my desire for more and negative thoughts. It will also lead me back to the path of my spiritual journey, which I seem to have slightly abandoned.

• Consume more water

I made a Habits I’m Not Waiting Until January to Implement post back in December where I said this same thing and I wasn’t consistent, but it’s never too late to do so now.

• Working out with positive intentions

Usually when I workout it has been with the intention to develop a certain body type, which lead to me closely examining and prodding at my body in the mirror, but as someone that comes from a family with people who develop physical health issues as they age, it’s important for me to workout simply to remain healthy, especially as I am still young with an able body. Develop stronger knees; hip mobility; straight posture, strength building.

• Breathwork + thought-stopping

This will go hand in hand with meditation. Simply saying “stop” to negative thinking doesn’t usually work for me, but what does is reframing the thoughts I’m having by making a positive light out of it or actively listing solutions. I don’t tend to be consistent with this, but I’ll try.

• Focus on my gut health

Lymphatic drainage by dry brushing, drinking peppermint tea, eating cleaner based foods, consume more fiber-rich foods, cut out gluten, eating more with smaller portions.

• Say “Girl, fuck you”

To people, emotions, circumstances. Simply dismissing the issue has sometimes helped, especially if they’re minor. Living in delusion isn’t always bad.

I’m not a “clean,” health and wellness guru, goop using (whatever tf that is), green juice drinking everyday girl and that’s okay. This is fairly new to me and I didn’t notice the severity of my health until I felt a sharp pain in my chest from stressing. I won’t fully immerge myself in this “aesthetic” as it isn’t in my interest to do so, but I will incorporate some of the habits to my benefits.

“Everyday the sun won’t shine, but that’s why I love tomorrow!” 🌟 -Glorilla

[educating-bimbos]

The Pinned Post 2

new pinned post because tumblr hid my old one from my view so I can't see, edit it, or reblog it to add an addendum. I only have a few things to add, so I am just going to copy and paste it.

Who is Educating Bimbos?

My name is Nicolette. I am a technical artist, musician, and an outdoorsy type of gal. I enjoy the finer things in life, and I fancy myself a traditional woman and a bimbo. I don't really enjoy mindlessly obsessing over labels, but if it helps people gauge where my brain is at, I am pro-patriarchy, in favor of traditional gender roles and dynamics, an ex-feminist, and before all else a believer in one's ability to exercise personal freedoms. My beliefs, mannerisms, and presentation attract the ire of feminists, born-again-religious types, and any number of anti-fun douchebags. At the end of the day, just remember that behind this silly blog is a silly person.

What is Educating Bimbos?

It is a blog and small community of bimbos looking to learn more about and express a traditional lifestyle. It is also about people who may not be familiar with or comfortable around things like BDSM get a nice and soft introduction to it without being exposed immediately to the idea of how people can enjoy things in a pseudo-sexual context. At the end of the day, it is a blog and community where I and other like-minded people can express silly ideas without the fear of being lambasted by people seeking to harm others.

Where is Educating Bimbos?

Educating Bimbos can be found in one of these two places.

Why is Educating Bimbos?

Well for a while I was annoyed by the lack of communities that focused on a kind of "hyper-feminine" aesthetic while also promoting more traditional ideas. There was also the issue of communities that have tried this before of devolving into bigoted and abusive communities that would do everything under the sun to create an insular and ToS breaking community. I spoke with a friend of mine who runs a similar community a while ago and she inspired me to give this a shot. Now - close to 3 years later - I have a steadily growing community that pulls from all corners of ideology, cultural, ethnic, and interest level and the discord has been almost completely drama-free in its whole existence.

When is Educating Bimbos?

I am alive and doing silly stuff all day, every day. Except when it is nap time in which case I will be in the realm of dreams.

What's an ex-lesbian and why do you call yourself that?

For a number of very personal reasons, I have decided to call myself an ex-lesbian. I did this of my own volition, and I was not pressured into doing so. For a long time, I had thought of myself as a lesbian, mostly because of socialization and how all the girls around me were so might as well follow suit. I experienced a number of harmful and traumatic events when I considered myself a lesbian and it effected how I view myself. After a while and talking to some friends who I trust dearly, I came to the realization that I am not a lesbian and that it really isn't a thing I identify with the same way others do. I am still trying to come to grips with that given I only relatively recently had that realization. I also feel that people use that term in bad faith to harm people and to push bad narratives and ideas so I thought "hey might as well try and take back what should be an innocuous phrase."

In short, I think an ex-lesbian is just a way of identifying one's sexuality similar to asexuality or demisexuality. It is not that I am one sexuality or another, it's that my sexuality is defined by my experience and coming of age.

I have had a number of people confront me about this, talk to me about it in sincere curiosity, and even attack me. I welcome anyone who is curious or has a genuine contention to come to me in DMs, I am not a mean person, and I will love to talk honestly and respectfully. I find that disagreement is not grounds to discredit or avoid befriending people, I hope you can do the same.

Further questions for Educating Bimbos?

If you find that these questions are unsatisfactory in any regard, or you wish to try your hand at doing what I do, follow these two links!

Ask me anything!

Ask me anything you want! I have some personal rules with regards to what I can and cannot upload, but this is generally the best way for me to answer any question you may have. I also have anonymous asks enabled just in case you are shy.

Submit a post!

If you think I should be made aware of something, post something, or if you just want to signal boost something try this. So far, I have no real rules or expectations so do whatever you want with this button.

[jewish-vents]

My Anti-Social Personality Disorder is helping me cope with the spike in antisemitism - I've been told I'm not a person, I don't have a soul, people like me shouldn't be allowed to have kids, I should be euthanized, everything someone with ASPD does is secretly evil or manipulative and every person who sucks secretly has ASPD, etc. - but it's not helping me with the one thing I need it to. I need to protect my great-grandmother, my only living relative, the one who raised me after my parents died, who fought tooth and nail to get me out of the foster care system. I need to shield her from all this bad news and make sure she doesn't realize how violent and dire things are. She always protected me. I have to do the same for her. I have to keep her happy for however long she has left on this Earth.

I love her more than anyone or anything in the world. I would take a bullet for her if I had to, but antisemitism is more like a sea of landmines that keep detonating all around us. I try to get out in front of everything. I buy her silky summer scarves because she loves them and they cover up her Magen David. Instead of going to the summer music festival here, which I know attracts a lot of country good ol' boy white supremacists on top of the left wing antisemites, I bought us tickets to a classical violinist she's a huge fan of. She asked about my girlfriend breaking up with me and instead of telling her about how antisemitic my ex is I blurted out a truth I've been hiding for years, which is that I'm asexual but not aromantic and that's made dating hard sometimes. I've sought out, downloaded and burned DVDs of all kinds of her favorite movies from the black and white era so she'll be distracted away from her time spent normally watching the news by that. In spite of my dyslexia, I've recommitted myself to learning Hebrew because she helps me and that pulls her attention off of the news and the realities I don't want her to face.

And yet it's not enough. More and more of the news of antisemitism rising around the world filters through to her. I'm doing everything I can but it's not enough. I am not enough. I am insufficient. ASPD comes with being acutely aware of your own high intelligence but what no one ever tells you is, to quote an anime I watched recently, "You can't recover from something you can't escape." There's too much for me to shield her from all of it.

I'm used to being treated as if my personhood is conditional and can be revoked at any moment. That's my whole life. That was not her whole life. She's a survivor of the Shoah. Her whole life has been spent seeing progress made in antisemitic attitudes in many countries after witnessing the worst it could get. My brain is uniquely (mal)adapted to process and disregard people's cruelty as normal. Hers is not. She expects people to have humanity. They don't. And I can't protect her from that. I can't save her. I can't keep this from creeping into her spectrum of awareness.

Sometimes I wonder why Hashem even bothered giving me heightened intelligence if I can't manage to use it correctly to help her. What is it good for? What is it worth?

Sometimes I think this must be a skill issue. If I just tried harder, surely, with my IQ, I could keep her safe and oblivious to everything. I need to be doing more. But what?

Sometimes I just look at goyim and - and I am aware this is not something you're supposed to admit to/is bad, I just don't care - I think, "I hope someday someone treats you exactly like you've treated others. I hope you get back exactly what you've put out into the world, and you get as little sympathy and help in that moment as my great-grandmother is getting right now."

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If you haven't already, I strongly recommend that you reach out to your local Jewish community. If you don't have one, or you for any reason don't feel comfortable with the local community, seek out community online.

There is only so long that you can shield your great-grandmother from the world. I understand the urge; we all have it, but no one has the power to keep their loved ones from ever being hurt.

What you can do is support her through the pain, and find other people who will help support her.

This will not be the first time your great-grandmother has experienced antisemitism. She may be better equipped to handle it than you fear.-🐞

[icyg4l]

PAC: Messages from Your Deceased Queer Loved One

Hello beautiful people! Happy Pride Month! This month has come to an end quickly, but we live on forever! I wanted to dedicate this reading to the people we have lost in the LGBTQ+ community to violence, suicide, illnesses and more. They deserve to live long lives without disruption. As the small pieces of progress rise, there comes more regression which is why it is important to emphasize the safety of queer people everywhere. Any queer person you have felt a personal connection to will be sought out for insight through my True Heart Tarot Deck. Rest in peace to the beautiful angels that have suffered on this Earth. Let’s hope that they have a peaceful afterlife. 

Before I make my temporary departure from this community, I feel that it is important for me to give you guys a proper goodbye. I will drop a couple more PACs before this month ends. But I want to remind you all that I have a Five Dollar Friday Sale coming on this Friday! If you are interested in my sale, please refer to my guidelines. Remember, if you have more than one question, that is an additional $5. I will get to you in a timely manner. But without further ado, please choose the iconic queer film still that you feel most connected to. 🫶🫶🫶

Top Left-to-Bottom Right: (1-4)

TW// mentions of familial abuse, violence, suicide, addiction, illness.

Pile One: Hello, Pile One. Your loved one wants you to know that you do not need to be living the fast life. I feel like I am talking to people who feel like they need to grow up fast. Something significant could have happened to you when you were sixteen or to your deceased loved one. You still have time, there is no need to rush the process. I feel like your loved one passed due to an overdose or because they succumbed to HIV/AIDS. They want you to learn from what they have been through. You do not have to fit in with what the crowd is doing. Be careful when you are out with certain people this weekend. Everyone does not have the best intentions for you. It feels like you need to clean house. Your circle does not seem mature enough to understand the transformation you are about to undergo. You are being protected, specifically by a younger person on the other side. This person passed away about 10-15 years ago. Maybe even longer. They want you to start acting like you care about your life. Let’s change our ways for the better, shall we? This may go unheard until a later time, when you really need to hear it but you will get the message. 

Cards Used: King of Swords, 8 of Wands, The Empress, The Moon, 2 of Discs.

Pile Two: This pile feels very heavy in comparison to the last pile. Pile Two, this death feels very recent, like within the last year or so. This also has some romantic undertones. This could have been your partner, or a friend that you never confessed your true feelings for. This person could have expressed suicidal ideations to you. They admire the way that you took care of them while they were depressed. You took them out of their comfort zone and introduced them to a new life. I am channeling the movie ‘Perks of Being a Wallflower’. I think this person left you with a lot of questions when you died. But they want you to know that you did all that you could. There is nothing that you could have done to turn back the hands of time. What’s done is done. They don’t want you to become obsessive over their spirit, but celebrate all that they’ve done and accomplished thus far. Don’t try to save everyone because everyone doesn’t need to be saved. You will never fully heal from this trauma but you will get closure. It feels like you need to move far away from where you are. It brings up too much drama and bad memories. You deserve to be in a place where you feel safe and grounded, even if it means making the move alone. Focus on moving forward from now. They will always have love for you, even in the afterlife. Even if you move on. In fact, when you start dating someone, they will pull the strings behind the scenes for the union to form. 

Cards Used: The Hermit, 3 of Cups, Ace of Discs, The Empress, The World, 2 of Wands. 

Pile Three: Hello, Pile Three! This is exactly who you think it is. If you have been smelling certain scents or have seen things randomly fall, then this is definitely for you. This feels like a cousin or a sibling. I feel like you found out some stuff about this person after they died and it shocked you. “Well, what now?”, they ask. Are you going to look at them differently? I feel like they had a bit of a reputation, but they’re highly misunderstood. They want you to focus on making peace with who they were. Don’t try to justify their mistakes/choices. It is what it is. Instead, focus on more important things like attaining your goals in the physical realm. Some of you may be in the gym using it as a coping mechanism. Make a goal so that you can beat your PR. Something about your childhood is significant here. Unfortunately, I feel like some of you were victimized as a child by this person and because of that, you don’t know how to view this person through an objective lens. It makes you feel guilty because you feel like you should be focused on the good stuff. You have a complicated relationship with this person, even after death. I am channeling this book called ‘All Boys Aren’t Blue’. The author opens up about an inappropriate relationship he had with his cousin and he addresses his cousin with respect, but still holds him accountable for taking advantage of him. For others of you, I feel like this person is sorry for exposing you to the wrong crowd. I heard “the secret is out”. At some point in their life, they stopped caring about themselves and in return, this affected those around them. They want you to find room in your heart to forgive them. It will be a long and complicated journey, but they have hope. 

Cards Used: 6 of Cups (RX), Temperance, The Moon (RX), 7 of Swords, The High Priestess, Justice, The Star. 

Pile Four: Pile Four, your loved one does not want you to keep up with appearances. Be as true to yourself as you should be. Not all of us have the privilege of being able to come out and be ourselves. Some of us have to blend in and be like everyone else because that’s what we have to do to keep ourselves safe. If you suspect that anyone was in the closet in your family (immediate family to be exact), then you were right. This person was family oriented, so they chose to stay silent about their identity. Plus, it’s no one’s business. But once again, this was not a choice. They feared being exposed or treated as an outsider. But they see what you are doing and they want you to keep doing it. Keep making friends with other queer folks. Go to pride events. You may find members of your chosen family there. You are a bit naive right now, so you might not understand the full complexities of what they’ve gone through. They understand that you could be upset with them but keep the family close. Do not isolate yourself; even if it means talking to two family members, please keep in contact. It feels like this person was a bit of a mystery. So, you should ask about their history. Get in contact with people who were close with them and get to the bottom of their story. They want you to make an altar for them, so you can connect with them. It will make all the difference in the world, love. 

Cards Used: 10 of Cups, Judgment, The Hierophant, The High Priestess, 10 of Discs, 7 of Wands (RX)

[raavenb2619]

Does coming out lead to too much focus on labels?

(I don't really have a main thesis I'm trying to convince anyone of, I just had a thought and wondered what other people thought.)

When I had recently figured out I was ace/aro/nonbinary, I really cared about finding the right labels for me. And the aspec community in particular has so many unique perspectives and labels that you can apply to yourself. What kinds of attraction do you feel, how do you label your orientations and attractions, what model do you use to think about attraction, how do you think about relationships, how do you feel about sex/romance/relationships, etc. It was super eye opening to learn about lots of different terms, and different ways of thinking about things, and things I'd never even thought about or thought I even could think about, and I ended up applying lots of labels to myself.

But, it's been many years since then, and over time I've grown less interested in applying specific labels to myself. I'm still queer/ace/aro/trans/nonbinary/polyam, but I don't really use other labels. (And depending on the situation, I might end up omitting labels when vagaries work fine.) That's not to say that I don't have affinity with other labels, whether that's "I'm similar to what this label describes" or "this label provides an interesting perspective that I like", I just...don't use other labels to define my identity. If I'm comfortable enough talking about something that I could use a label for, I'll just describe my experiences directly, instead of saying "I'm [blank]".

And, I wonder if that shift from specificity to vagary has to do with coming out. For a young aroace like me, part of why coming out was so nerve-racking was that I felt like I had to prove that my identity was real, and having specific labels I could point to and say "look, this is real, I'm not making this up, other people are like this too" was super helpful. But, it's been many years since I've come out, and I'm more confident and know who I am, and that insecurity that I fought back with fistfuls of labels and well-rehearsed explanations is gone. (With the potential exception of QPR-related discussions, which feel kind of like coming out again; I might make a post about that some time if people are interested.)

Every time I've ever come out, or seen someone come out in real life or in media, it's always been "I'm [blank]", but I've never seen someone come out as "I'm not cis/straight". It's always a declaration that you are a specific thing, never a statement that you aren't something someone thought you were. I remember really wanting to make sure I knew exactly what I was and didn't come out as one thing and then change my labels later, because it would mean I'd have to come out again and it would be embarrassing that I got things wrong and maybe people would start to doubt me and not believe me when I said I was something in the future. But, people don't have to be a fixed, immutable set of labels forever; I'm comfortable with using vague labels for myself and letting myself be vague and nebulous and fluid without frantically trying to label every single part of myself. (And, in fact, I did technically get my labels slightly wrong the very first time I came out, and everything turned out okay in the end.)

So, maybe coming out puts an undue pressure on finding specific labels and making sure they're exactly right; maybe coming out should also be able to be "I'm not cis/straight". What do people think?

(This is not to say that specific labels are bad, because they can often be very helpful! Specific labels were helpful for me when I used them, and their existence can spark conversations and lead to new perspectives and learning. Even as I'm finding vagueness and nebulousness to be better for me right now than specific detailed labels, other people can be finding that specific detailed labels give them a sense of belonging and community and identity. But, I still wonder if coming out placed an undue burden on younger me to find all the right labels when vagueness could have worked just as well.)

[heroictoonz]

king I've been putting off a rewatch of s15-17 for ages do u think its worth it

My instinct is so say no save yourself but like jokes aside I think that’s up to you like, I always said that they gave the RvBs a “bad ending” and that they ruined Tucker’s character post Chorus however, that was back when season 16 was literally first coming out

Flash back here but so when s16 was coming out I was just getting more and more upset with the writing of the show especially and honestly almost specifically Tucker. Somewhere near the end of s16 I stopped watching (didn’t even finish the season) and then after a bit I heard that the next season was gonna revolve around whole new characters

Now this, I only recently learned was weird miscommunication. See I’m trash ass shit at keeping up with news of shit even shit that I like so for the longest time I thought the story of this group I’ve been following since I was a teenager ended at s16 which KILLED me inside so I swore off the rest of the show and vowed to never watch it. Instead I mostly just rewatched Chorus or s1-s13 if I wanted to rewatch the “whole” show. Basically just watching till the end of Chorus and stopping. Every time I tried to go rewatch s15 to mmmaybe finish the show I kept remember how bad things got and kept running away

I’m gonna give some vague spoilers from here on out but it’s cause I do genuinely wanna talk about how I feel having literally only a few minutes ago finished s16 and s17 for the first time

I decided to finish RvB LITERALLY last night like no joke and it’s cause I saw spoilers out of context for s19 and I was like fuck it I need to see what the hell that is show is over anyways might as well finish it. So I am doing that now

I rewatched/finished s16 and fucking hated it. The good parts were Wash being cute and silly and my favorite guy ever of all time and forever. There’s also Grif and this character named Huggins they’re like on god one of my new brotps of all time damn RvB writes some good ass season specific supporting cast cause holy shit man. Also! I liked that Kai was in it! I enjoy Kai so so so so so much! I’ve always wanted more of her in the show! UNFORTUNATELY!

Tucker is so hard to watch. It’s so honest to god painful to watch. Maybe that’s what they were going for I don’t know. But, having now seen season 17 I get what they were TRYING to do I just don’t fully like how they did it.

In s17 Tucker admits to himself that the reason why in s16 he was acting so weird and gross and toxic masculinity “I have to have the biggest and most talented dong in the room at all times or I’ll kms” character ever is cause he was trying to be a leader

It’s sounds stupid and personally I think it IS stupid but now that I know what they were TRYING to write it makes these post Chorus seasons more bearable.

Basically, Tucker spent all that time in Chorus forced to be a leader. Once he finally got comfortable in the position of one Chorus no longer needed them. He wanted to keep being a leader keep feeling like a leader and it went to his head. He tried acting cool and tough and macho cause that’s what he thought a leader was and he says this! Out loud he admits all this to himself in s17! And honestly? That’s SUCH a good fucking concept it’s super fucking interesting and I really dig it plus with Tucker FAILING at being the leader it gave Donut well deserved character growth. I’ve always hated how sidelined Donut got compared to the others cause I’ve always liked him but s17 is definitely Donut’s season and to see him finally get screen time and respect and also have genuine moments of connection with the others was honestly really fucking awesome

So, do I like s16? God no. Do I recommend it watching it? Hard to say. You have to watch it if you wanna finish the show. Is finishing the show worth it? Honestly I dunno yet I haven’t seen 18 or 19 so it’s to be seen rn. But s17 where not perfect was definitely better than 16 and gave better insight on what they were trying to do. I don’t like the execution I don’t think it was as done very well but I like the ideas I like what they were attempting

S15 I admittedly do not fucking remember at all cause again it’s not a season I’ve rewatched more than maybe twice cause I kept stopping cause I just did not wanna deal with what I knew was coming. And I know me I know myself I know if I tried rewatching the show from the start or even s15 in an attempt to finish it I’d ever fucking do it so instead I just started from s16 and went forward

I don’t remember out right hating s15 but similar to the above I think there were good ideas and not all of them were perfectly done in writing. Also there’s this like really cool interesting thing that is about Tucker that then ends up being a stupid child support payment joke and that sucks so much it makes me so burningly livid I don’t even have a joke here it just makes me mad

But! It brings in the concept of other reds and blues other soldiers that were left in the rubbles of project freelancer which is super interesting again I think they coulda done more with specific parts of it and the “Tucker doesn’t pay child support for the buncha kids he fucked into existence” joke sucks especially when they CONSTANTLY SHOW HIM AS A VERY DOTING AND LOVING FATHER it’s fine I’m not mad I’m not bitter I promise

But uh yeah honestly if you like the show a lot I say watch it even if it sucks. Some of my biggest special interests are GARBAGE shows with writing so bad it makes me wanna commit actual arson. But, I love the characters I love the settings and I love what could have been maybe that’s why I always keep sticking around in stuff like this lol even if it sucks I like to imagine what could make it better cause I love it! And if I didn’t love it I wouldn’t care to put as much energy into wanting it to be better as I do! That’s the same with RvB! I wish it was better I wish SSOOOO BADLY that it was better but it’s cause I love it so fucking much not out of any sort of hate if that makes sense?

Idk tldr it’s up to you and you might suffer a bit but if you love the show I say go for it

Aaaand it’s 2am and I read ur ask wrong I thought that said “watch” not “rewatch” but? Points still stand I’m the kinda person that will rewatch even the seasons I hate to remember why I like the ones I love (I’m looking at you Ninjago season 3 you hot fucking garbage that I’ve sadly seen more times than I would like)

[dennydraws]

Sometimes checking local bookstores have some rare finds...

And I was most definitely not expecting to find the FF14 Manga there but I take it XD;; I highly doubt it was intentional but having the price sticker over Asahi's face absolutely killed me lol

But this will be a talk about manga books and not specifically about FF14's manga book which was hilarious by the way XD;;

(Press F for Urianger... well, for Thancred really but ya know...)

It may come as a surprise but I'm not exactly a big manga reader. I think it was primary because manga wasn't as available or popular here when I was growing up and when I started spreading I started feeling too old for it. Now looking back, I was mid 20 I wasn't too old lol But also I was not in a financial position to spend on what I considered luxurious hobby materials. I never looked at manga books as anything but forbidden pricey thing that I could do without... even though looking back I could've learned a lot or enriched my art journey but... when you try to graduate university, freelance and cover for struggling and sick family these things are not something you think to spend on... ANYHOWSIES, I did not intend to share sad artist backstory, more like I wanted to explain my relationship with actual manga books has been an odd one XD;

It wasn't until recently that I started to actually go to bookstores during my lunch break and browse manga books and regular books too. However now they are so many that I get overwhelmed. Now that I have my preferences, I don't feel comfortable just grabbing a book on a whim. I still very much hate the idea of blindly spending on things that may not be of use to me. But even so I began to reach out, grab something, try it, see what I can learn from it. I feel like a teenager dipping toes into something they've always looked from behind the shop window but now they can actually afford it! XD;; I tried to start with books whose anime I deeply enjoyed and maybe look over what's around them - surely there will be something similar!

And then to my surprise I started noticing... Artbooks! Usually the ones I am interested in are on the obscure side? Or at least I've never found any of those I was interested in... ever XD

It has always been a lot more art books available here for WoW or LoL or whatever western-ish game franchise which... while I respect them, I just don't really enjoy their art style. And I did grow up surrounded by boys and a bully big brother whom I've always tried to impress or be "cool enough" to hang out with him (I was never cool enough to hang out with him u_u) and as result I had to deny myself a lot of things I was enjoying but I thought they are embarrassing - a lot of typically girly genres things because he'd mock them and if he mocks them then they were bad and I'd never be "cool enough" if I showed interest in them! Oh noes! Now that post turned into more personal down pour XD;

As years went on and after some reflection and years of existing in a healthy friend circle I started to enjoy the things I always wanted to enjoy growing up. I see them in new light now and I appreciate them with the eyes of a grown up while still kind of connect to this lost childhood spark. It's been really nice.

Plus I'm enjoying reading ...well, normal books, a lot more. Some years ago you wouldn't find me able to sit and read but now I do and quite enjoy it!

I don't know where I was going with this post XD I wanted to share I found the FF14 manga in a local store during my lunch break and it escalated to, I've been slowly buying and reading more manga and artbooks as of this year! It's never too late to reconnect with things you wanted to enjoy but couldn't in the past :D;;

Anyhow! Thank you for reading this silly lil ramble post, dear web traveller! I hope you will have great rest of the day and smooth week ahead!

[jitterbugjive]

So, some people may have noticed this but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to bring attention to it and I wanted people to just assume it was someone theorizing. But it appears someone from my ex friend circle whom I had trusted with certain details of how Discord Whooves would end decided to stoop to a lower than low level and ruin the ending for anyone who stumbled on their posts that had been made on a blog made specifically to post spoilers and tag them with common tags Discord Whooves uses. I’m sure it was out of sheer spite towards me and the people who dared to support my work.

Saying bad things about me and things I’ve done and said, okay that’s justifiable. But going out of their way to take something I once trusted them with because I thought we were close friends, and then throwing it out for the world to see out of revenge against me and anyone following me? That’s just petty, immature, and a really low blow to make. Even if I really hated someone, I would never reveal their harmless secrets to the world just to get back at them. There’s a chance to be the better person, and at least have some code of ethics to know when it’s going too far. I deserved to be called out. I didn’t deserve to have my 12 years of work undermined by a vindictive person who can’t move forward, and my fans didn’t deserve it either because they are not even involved in this drama.

There is a point where revenge goes too far and one crosses over into just being villainously cruel.

It’s sad, and really pathetic that someone thinks they have to do everything in their power to screw me over in some way instead of trying to actually recover and get past the point of obsession over wanting to get back at me all the time.

I’m sorry the whole world isn’t against me like you want it to be. I’m sorry a lot of people believe in recovery and the fact that I feel terrible enough already about my shitty actions in the past and am doing everything in my power to avoid anything like that happening ever again. I’m sorry I’m not being bombarded by hoards of angry people calling me names and telling me to kill myself. I’m sorry my feeling horrible isn’t enough to satiate you and all you want is to see me suffer.

It’s been years now. YEARS. For the sake of your own mental well being, just cut me out of your life completely and stop obsessing over me. You already won. I am constantly in a state of panic thinking of this shit and how else it’s going to come and bite me in the ass. I lost the comic website I depended on, I’ve lost a huge chunk of my readership and no longer really have my ‘popular’ status. (very rarely get fan art, not being bombarded by asks constantly, no longer receive fan mail, original projects aren’t catching on very well) Selling commissions has gotten increasingly more difficult. My insomnia is worse than ever and I have to take heavy duty sedatives just to sleep because my mind won’t stop spiraling about this stuff. I cannot go a single day without feeling guilt, regret, self hatred, and doubt and wishing hopelessly that I just never did those things. I have severe trust issues and have almost no one I can feel comfortable enough sharing anything personal or story related with which was just made even WORSE by these recent actions, and I haven’t been able to form new bonds with anyone in years either.

I know I hurt you badly, I know what I did was incredibly wrong and irresponsible, and I don’t know how it’s affected you over the years but this rage and anger is not good for anyone. I don’t hate you. I just want you to be able to move on and learn to be healthy and happy and no longer stuck thinking about me and how much you hate me and want me to fall. I don’t want to be hurting you by just existing and trying to move on with my own life, and I wish there was something- ANYTHING I could do to bring you peace.

But the only one who can ultimately bring you peace is yourself. So you can keep on trying to claw and bite and drag me down with you, or you could be the better person and try to just move forward and put the past in the past where it belongs.

I’m not mad. I’m just incredibly disappointed. I would have thought you were better than this, but I was wrong. I was wrong to ever even trust you as a friend, and I wish we were never friends to begin with, or even ever met, and I’m sure you feel the same way.

[f1-disaster-bi]

hi!!!! hope you are well!!! paddock hoe lando is my favorite au, and with the recent posts about it (which i loved!!) it got me thinking about how when lando escapes and still has the rope around his wrists, you mention that max is the only person lando trusted to do that with, would you ever write more about the aftermath of the incident/how max and landon’s relationship might have been impacted by that violation? how did it affect them? obvi i feel like it would take a long time for them to ever consider using ropes again, if ever, and even then maybe like silk instead? how did it effect the dynamic between them, having that trust they both had, violated by someone else? weird emotions from max knowing that he had tied lando up and now it’s a place of trauma? sorry for the length but i’ve been thinking about this au so much lately and max/lando is my happy place haha

Never apologise for the length!!! I am so happy to get this ask and see so much love and interest for Paddock hoe au and for Max/Lando in this cause I love their dynamic 🥹

I am so close to writing a second part to that fic. I have like two drafts of it going with @f1-birb. I just need to sit down and actually write it 👀

In that fic, when Lando is found with the ropes and the marks on his wrists and it's Max who sees him first, it definitely shifts their dynamic because Max never wants to hurt Lando and even when they engage in rough play and bandage, they have so many checks and they always discuss it beforehand.

Max is the only one Lando has ever let tie him down or gag him or blindfold him. It's something he feels safe doing with Max, and something they're both interested in. He trusts Max with him being submissive and vulnerable and knows (like with all his partners) Max would never hurt him or cross his boundaries.

And when he shows up like that, they're both shaken.

Lando doesn't really want any type of sexual touch for a while after that. He's still wrapping his head around it. He's dealing with it in therapy, and he's learning slowly to differentiate between good touches and bad touches again because the first time he tried to do something a little sexual with a partner, he froze and panicked and couldn't tell who was touching him.

Even when he gets better, he notices that Max hangs back. Their time together is more cuddling and soft making out and more frottage than sex and while Lando likes that, he's worried he's fucked up and eventually asks Max about it.

"I don't want to remind you of Him" is all Max manages to get out before Lando would be hugging him tight and planting himself in Max's lap because he knew Max was struggling with seeing Lando like that, but he hadn't realised Max was scared Lando would see him differently.

There would be a lot of talking and measuring each other. Lots of Lando promising that this hasn't changed anything about how he sees Max or feels about him because Max would never have done that to him. He knows that like he knows his own body.

It would still take a while before Max and Lando were comfortable doing anything with restraints again. Max even hesitates to pin Lando down when they eventually start having sex again but they make it fun. Lots of teasing words and soft kisses and colour checks and sweet kisses.

Max definetly gets rid of the rope he had and used before. He can't stand the sight of it after seeing Lando so distressed and hurt and he doesn't want something that's meant to be about trust tinged with bad memories so I can see him moving to something different.

The first time he breaks out the padded fluffy handcuffs, Lando laughs so hard he cries but he also smothers Max in kisses because he knows why he has those and he's reminded again of how much his boys love him and care for him.

After that, I can see them using a mix of silks and soft items and maybe padded cuffs that Lando can let himself out of if he wants. It's trail and error, and takes a long time to get back to that space but Max and Lando get there eventually with lots of talking and reassurances from both sides 🥹

[spot-splatter-splash]

We all know I love the Storm E. era content for this franchise (Lalaloopsy Girls & We're Lalaloopsy). But! I'm willing to admit that it is flawed. As much as I put it on a pedestal for it's humor, It's only fair that I acknowledge the strong point of the Webisodes and Nick Jr. Series. The animation.

Where I (personally) feel that the later pair adds more in terms of personality for the cast with the dynamic between Storm E. and Jewel being my favorite to watch and explore. The animation in those series does feel stiff when held next to the earliest set of media.

A lot of the time Its because of how sharp the joints are when they bend as opposed to the earlier series rounding them out. That created the ragdoll feel that the later series lack which breaks immersion.

This could have been a budgeting issue due to the declining popularity of the franchise. The puppet style animation bends at odd and sometimes sharp angles. Which breaks the illusion of them being rag dolls.

Mind you there is a way to make that style look good, if im not wrong the earlier series were rigs too. Just designed with more attention to the ragdoll feel. The bendiness of the limbs and squashing and stretching for emphasis when interacting with certain objects. Good examples that come to mind are Mouse and Pix E. In the episode Flight Plan And Peanut. In general Peanut has some of the cleanest animation.

While I hail the later series for the personality they give the characters that is not to say I think the eariler media is boring or does it poorly. I find the Webisodes and Nick Jr. Series really cute and pleasant to watch. But they also had more characters to work with and had to split that attention between them.

I have seen comments about the cast being boring in We're Lalaloopsy. A criticism which is subjective of course. But one I struggle to see. (I also see a lot of people shoot Storm E. down as being too mean. A rant for another post surely).

And while I acknowledge the subjectivness of it. I think Jewel, Storm E. and Spot are really well done in that series.

Spots is still an energetic artist who doesnt mind a mess. But added onto that she doesn't like conflict, struggles to voice her thoughts when frustrated, get attached easily, is eccentric and pleasantly weird, sensitive and forgiving almost to a fault. And yet still stands as her own person capable of putting her foot down when she reaches her breaking point. Shes lovable and I adore a weird girl whos just so comfortable being weird.

Jewel is clearly rising the ranks of favoritism. Shes still 'perfectly perfect' Jewel having a checklist for everything she deems important enough too. But now shes someone who can be easily frustrated, doesn't enjoy her schedule or plans being disrupted or altered, kinda of ditzy yet not entirely stupid. She focuses on herself to the point she talks over others and cant see that shes being an issue and has to be reined in. Perfectly perfect Jewel is actually wildly flawed. Shes not malicious but can come off as hostile or petty. Shes dramatic, a primadonna, self richeous and sometimes holier-than-thou and needs to have others correct her or to fail to learn and better herself. I am wildly enamored by this. She sucks shes my favorite. Her flaws are what makes her so fun to watch.

Finally Storm E. Shes polarizing and due to her being the most recent doll to make it into the animated series theres not much to compare her to. By design shes suppose to be the odd one out. A black sheep. I see a lot of critique about her being too different which is the point. Shes often yeilded as this unlikable asshole by some of the really critical fans but I feel that doesnt do Storm E. justice.

Shes different by design in both media shes in. Shes has a dry sense of humor, isn't as comfortable with affection as the other girls, isn't as open about her feelings as others, tends to fall to the back of the pack and a bit of a loner. But she's not a bad person. She does care about others she just has a hard time showing it. It does bother her when she hurts other people with her behavior.

We're Lalaloopsy handles this with her dynamic with Spot and Jewel. Spot is someone she has a soft spot for. Shes more open to Spot being in her space and feels like Spot kind of gets her as another artist. Spot likes Storm E. as she is. Her personality isn't the problem to Spot, it's certain actions that are. And that soft spot for Spot doesnt stop Spot from getting hurt. Storm E. (like Jewel) doesn't necessarily intend to harm others with her behavior. Intent doesn't negate hurting someone and Storm E. learns that. She does feel remorse and is apologetic. I like that shes never urged to be more like the others just corrected when her actions hurt someone.

Which is why her and Jewel work so well. They parallel eachother. Both of them have a tendancy to focus on and put themselves above others without any real malice behind it. Jewel needs to feel important and Storm E. feels she had to be independent. Storm E. is misunderstood and Jewel is melodramatic. Theyre polar opposites on the serface yet are so similar when cross examined. They clash but also relate to eachother.

The others get unique little peronality quirks too. Crumbs is very particular to an obsessive degree, Rosy will put herself last at the expense of her own well being and is anxious, Dot frequently fails, yet is excited by any chance to invent something.

Tangent oops, this post is getting long. The point is every bit of media for this series has merit and def worth watching for whatever it offers. Could be a good laugh, clean animation, fun dynamics, or a unique take on an old favorite.

Feel free to ask me about characters I can write essays about some of them. I know I haven't talked much about proper reboot stuff and thats because I'm in the process of watching everything I can to get a feel for the extended cast.

[thetealwitch]

Lady Lilith: My Experience

TW: Mention of mental health struggles and self-destructive behaviors.

Hello! 👋🏻 I just wanted to come on here and share my experiences I have had working with Lady Lilith. Originally, I had a feeling that a deity was lurking around but I had no idea who. I began doing research on deities I knew of and what the signs were. I was mainly looking into Hecate and The Morrigan. Then, one day I had a dream about a book falling to the ground. It had the name Lilith on it. I woke up and kind of dismissed it. Later, I told my husband about it. He said, “Well, maybe it is Lilith?” So, I went ahead and bought a book on her. I had limited knowledge about her other than the mythology of Adam and Eve and about Adam’s “first” wife.

At first, it was hard to connect with her but as time went on I began to get signs from her. I used carromancy to read the wax on her candles with surprising results. I tried to use a pendulum but that was not working out too well so I switched to using cleromancy with a coin. That seemed to work just fine. Those two types of divination plus medication was the most effective for me to connect with her. She came and went as she pleased and was not always around. Her energy was most potent at night time. Her energy is quite intense and it may need some getting used to.

Things were going well however after a little over a year I noticed a significant absence from her altar. If I came to her altar the energy was not there. I wondered, “Did I offend her somehow? Is she angry with me?” That was not the case. She was giving me space to take back my own power without her. She did not want me to rely on her all the time. She wanted me to learn and trust in myself. Just know that Lady Lilith will challenge you. She will challenge you to trust in yourself and your decisions. She will challenge you to make peace with your flaws and work on improving yourself. If you suffer from low self-esteem and self-hatred then she will make you face the reasons why you feel that way about yourself.

I believe she had returned only recently but I know that she is observing and watching. She doesn’t want me to come running to her for comfort every time I feel bad. Sure, she can be very comforting but she also wants me to self-sooth in a healthy way as well. She wants me to less mean to myself but also take responsibility for my actions. She wants me to stop beating myself up when I make mistakes. Chin up and move on. Of course that doesn’t mean I should ignore how I feel. I should feel what I feel but then say, “Hey, I made a mistake. How do I fix this? Can I do this on my own or do I need help?”

It’s been a very hard year facing the trauma I was dealt when I was very young. I realized that I am not the ugly beast that I thought I was. I am not stupid or a failure. It is still hard for me to be nice to myself but I am working on it. I realized that a lot of my habits are self-destructive in nature (such as skin picking and binge eating) and I am trying figure out ways to lessen them. If you ever heard the song from Selena Gomez called “My Mind & Me” then that should explain how I feel everyday. As far as I know I don’t have BPD but I do have anxiety and depression which I was diagnosed with.

Am I peachy and wonderful now? No. Am I making progress? Yes. I am making those steps. Lady Lilith is not here to hold your hand the whole way. She is here to give you a candle to walk with on your own. It is up to you to keep the flame burning. 🔥

[d1rtypuppy]

yesterday was my 5 months on t!!! omfg. crazy that it’s already been that long, honestly.

man. hrt is literally one of the best things to happen to me ever. tonight i watched the video of my voice after my first t-shot and holy shit!!! my voice is SOO much deeper in comparison. i was like oh my god that was ME?

anyway here’s a lot of the changes i’ve noticed. this is probably going to be SOOOOOO long and DEFINITELY so much information about me so be warned.

recently my body hair has also been really growing in and it makes me SOO euphoric. i am shedding a bit more hair from my head now, which is fine, i have THIIICK hair so it’s honestly helping. my beard area is starting to grow in more hair, and my mustache is getting a bit thicker but is still very much teenage boy mustache… however i am too attached to shave and i Hate the feeling of it as it grows back in.

my chest has deflated a bit. i can actually look at it and touch it. i can even go a while without wearing transtape, which before hrt i could NOT do. chest dysphoria has always been a huge problem for me, so this has been a HUUUGE weight off my shoulders.

my back acne was REALLY bad for a while but i have gotten it mostly under control with the help of exfoliation and castile soap. my chest has a bit of acne, and i have gotten a few pimples on my leg ?? and even one on my TOE. which i had no clue was even possible. my face is usually not super super bad luckily.

and i am LOVIINNGG all of it. truly. the only thing is that. guys. i am like a dog in HEAT. holy fuck, for a little bit there, i was getting off like SEVEN times a day, and no. i am not even exaggerating…. i can’t even sleep through the fucking night without waking up once, sometimes TWICE, to jerk off. i’m going a little insane. but that’s okay, i’ve discovered i actually CAN make noise while touching myself. before t i was extremely quiet and i just kind of accepted that’s just the way it was, so i was genuinely so surprised to find that i can make noise now!!! i didn’t know this could happen but i assume it’s just dysphoria/comfort related. my t-dick is also one of my favorite changes and i love it. that’s my little guy.

anyways, i feel way less dysphoric and overall very happy. i’m starting to learn to love myself and like what i see in the mirror. so thanks, gender affirming healthcare :3

ALRIGHT WELL. sorry for the insane rambling. this is probably incomprehensible, i’m just too excited. so, if you made it to the end of this post, i offer you a kiss or a hug or a high five if you choose to accept (air versions of all of these available !) :-)