#been awhile since i posted a focus cam

[cosmicdreamgrl]

𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘫𝘬 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴: (102/?)

[queencolondarkwing]

AngelicaASMR’s current change

This post only about any info posted as of 7/25/2023 (will update in future if needed).

Ok so I’ve been following the Angelica Asmr shit pretty closely (don’t expect me to comment on gwen gwiz too because that girl is a grifter from the start). And as a mental health worker it REALLY freaks me out for her. I worked in a rehab for awhile. For people quitting drugs, but many of them also had bipolar, ptsd, schizophrenia, and similar diagnosises (some people also had the behavior due to being in crisis as well due to loss, recent homelessness, police brutality, etc.). So I know what psychotic breaks look like. I won’t armchair diagnose anything specific because I am not her medical provider, but while I can’t say she has anything for certain - she has a history of manic episodes in the past.

As someone with ADHD, a history of sexual and religious trauma, and c-ptsd like Angelica, I can honestly see how she fell into this. As someone who is also anti-capitalist, I can see why she thinks finding community would be beneficial (not sure why she would choose the Catholic Church instead of something from less individualistic, Eastern philosophy doesn’t make sense to me personally though...) to finding growth in an online era of isolation following a personal loss in her life. It seems weird how she went from talking about her Jehovahs Witness trauma from her youth...to going full on Orthodox, but I’ll get into details on why mentally this is actually super common in a minute.

I can also see how she would become a SWERF after having done OF, since as a former sex worker myself (camming, porn, fssw) who quit doing it after being raped - I can safely say that I myself am neither pro or anti sex work. I’m pro-decriminalization to keep workers safe, but also do feel a bit sick sometimes that MOST fssw on the streets are marginalized people. It is a complicated issue with nuance that non-sex workers have no business taking a side on. However, she is very hateful recently and anti-sex in general. Which is an issue.

She originally joined OnlyFans during a manic episode. So she HAS a history of mental illness and making major life decisions during mania. 

She went from pro-lgbtq to anti-lgbtq. Deleted her old progressive videos. Claimed to be a victim of MKUltra. Started making up delusions around the Catholic Church being anti-capitalist (Catholics individually can 100% be leftists, but the Church itself is VERY Capitalist). She posted homophobic and transphobic tiktoks where she would yell practically incoherently. Lots of staring. Inability to talk without looking away and laughing (she is normally a skilled actress).  Posting WAY more frequently than ever(she reposted 3 deleted videos last night and deleted them by this morning). She posted a video and lots of shorts and is way more active on Instagram. 

 The worst breakdowns I saw working rehab mostly always cycled through 4 topics: fame/self importance, inconsistent political and religious rambling, and sex. Always. Angelica has shown inconsistent spiritual beliefs (she has been mixing up Catholic, Orthodox, politics, and other religions). She has been focusing on sex in the context of trauma and posted a short of her in a bathtub on youtube again. She has been posting and immediately deleting content that has even positive comments on it.

Some medical signs of possible mania and/or psychosis that she is exhibiting:

Paranoia, trouble talking in a clear way/rambling, withdrawing socially (posting more often/online more but also alienating from her former fans), Confused speech, trailing off/lack of focus in videos, Generally disorganized way of thinking, no sign of restraint in expressing self, racing speech, goal-directed activity (seems to have a new anti-sex work goal), distractable/trails off topic, random giggling at nothing at camera like it is a person she is conversing with...etc. Tbh the amount of red flags I’ve seen are alarming.

I hope she gets support and help. And it is one reason I can’t blame her as hard as I would most, because she seems clearly unwell.  It isn’t an excuse. At all. And I don’t blame people for not supporting her going forward, but I plan to keep an eye on the situation for now and am hoping that somehow she can pull out of this shit, because I’ve seen this shit happen to a LOT of people with hard lives. Hell, I’ve even lashed out in smaller degrees and been delusional during my own ptsd breakdowns too, but when people are as far gone as Angelica is...I don’t usually see them come back again to the same state they were in previously. I’m hoping for the best, as a former fan and as a social worker, but Idk.

[bushrat2319]

(This has been sitting in my drafts for awhile so why not post it now lol)

3 facts that I like to use for when I’m asked about interesting things about me

1. (My go to) I worked in a graveyard. My main job was to clean and reset gravestones but every now and again I’d help the restoration and research team with finding and marking unmarked graves (my job when it came to it was digging. You’ll have to ask nicely for me to say if I have or haven’t found a body 👀)

2. I’m super into animals and animal conservation. When I was deciding what to go to college for, I was between art and environmental science and within that I wanted to focus on the animal world. I’ve helped with about a dozen research papers by watching trail cams and studying animal migration patterns in a variety of different species (mainly my little mountain critters). Ask me about ants and I’ll go on for hours. I’m patiently waiting to start looking at adopting soon. I’ll have to wait till after my program is over and I’m in a more stable place in my life but I do think I want to take that step if I see an animal that needs some help. I like to think my childhood dog Max will send another friend my way when he knows the time is right 💕

3. Big ol’ theatre nerd. Loved the stage since I was little and was on and off every now again growing up. It wasn’t until highschool that I took a leap and joined my thespian club. I focused in the backstage elements of out theatre and became a main for backstage. I was a backstage director for a few shows (didn’t direct but became a leader for our big show, Mary Poppins. Building a house on wheels that could turn into a different part of the house is still a highlight for me). Every now and again I could be convinced to hop up on stage for improve and small skits. I became vital to our backstage process but my peers loved to drag me onstage whenever they could. That led into me joining a very small theatre club in college. Theatre was on a different campus so we had to do a lot on our own without our schools help. A year of that and I became president of that club. Then covid hit and the school shut the club down (without telling me lol)

And now we’re here. Idk, I joke I’m a jack of all trades but really I just have a lot of interests and I like to try new things.

[chasingplainandsmiple]

Storm Chase Plans for 2024 Season

I know it has been awhile since I last posted, but with the weather being slow, it will happen from time to time. I want to take some time to discuss my personal plans for this severe weather season, especially with us getting off to an active start to the year in portions of the country.

For this week, I am not going to chase to either day. The two main reasons have to deal with storm mode that the model guidance is showing and logistics of me reaching Point A to Point B.

Those who may asked "Why not Thursday?". One, the chasing in that part of Arkansas and even Oklahoma will be difficult. Secondly, logistics of trying to get within that region for me will not work out this round.

While some of the CAMs do show a potential chance at some discrete cells developing across the Oklahoma into Arkansas, those cells will eventually developed into a linear system. With that being said, it is a no go for this week.

Looking ahead into April, May and June, this is when I prefer to start thinking about chasing more seriously as we enter peak tornado season for a large portion of the Dixie Alley and Tornado Alley. For the month of April, I will keep my main focus over Dixie Alley. April for East Arkansas, Mississippi and West Tennessee seem to be the most active month climatologically for this region. I am in no way of discounting Tornado Alley as climatology shows it being active as well. I focus on this area of Dixie Alley to attempt in maximizing my opportunities.

Going into late April into May, my focus will begin to shift into Tornado Alley. In my past experiences, late May has treated me very well which is why I have it circled in my calendar. However, I am going to keep my eyes open for the entire month of May as this could an active year for tornadoes. For June, not looking to target this month all that much with the expectation of maybe the first couple of weeks. Once we get into mid-June, tornado active starts to push more northward and closer to the Rockies making it harder for me to go out and chase.

These plans are subject to change as we enter peak season and will also dependent upon the weather patterns. These are just simply my plans for the year and could end up changing if things do not line up correctly. A lot of my plans are based off of climatology and how things are looking long term. There is no guarantee that I will be able to make it out to Tornado Alley but I do my best when everything lines up. From this moment on forward, this will blog will be focus on the 2024 storm chasing season. For the other chasers out there, good luck and be safe.

3/13/2024

[amethystcria]

AFTER 291 - Revisiting Twice: Was Dabi listening the whole time?

Lmao I’m so mad I didn’t post this before the leaks because wow...I was right. 

Had to re-edit some parts here but here are the evidences I believed Hori left to implied that Dabi was in fact using Twice. Whether his death was plan or not is still to be decided but... Twice was bait.

I am of the unpopular opinion that both Dabi and Hawks are responsible for Twice’s death.

CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR 291

(FYI: This is rather long bc I haven’t done theories in awhile so I don’t know when to shut up and overdramatic as Dabi sometimes lol.)

It could be just a plot hole Horikoshi didn’t realize he left but it’s been simmering in my mind since all the foreshadowing of Dabi’s upcoming broadcast. And with Dabi admitting how he did think of killing Shoto, his brother, for his goals... This theory doesn’t seem so crazy now. 

Now that we know of the elaborate scheme Dabi has been planning for many years (and good for him!) coming to fruition at last! I have to wonder what role was Twice gonna have in his plan? Was Hawks apart of it too? Had they been playing their part this whole time? (Edit: With the leaks 291 the answer is yes.)

When the mansion got invaded it was so strange to me that while everyone was heading to battleground, Dabi, turned the other way. He was heading toward Twice. Why? How? We all knew that when the raid started Skeptic put the blame on Twice + Hawks and tried to find them. He couldn’t because Hawks had removed the mini cams by then. So how did Dabi know where Twice was located and that he was being targeted?

The only way Dabi would know is if he had been keeping tabs on Twice and Hawks. Becoming familiar enough with their habits and thinking to make the conclusion that Hawks would trap Twice in that specific room. We already know Dabi never trusted Hawks and yet he allowed him to get close to Twice. Why? Especially if he could guess that Twice had become Hawks intended target in his double agent agenda. Unless this is what he wanted...

Which is already pretty bad using an ally like this. If Dabi didn’t want Hawks to get Twice he would have mention it beforehand. He had to have wanted this. But hey let’s give Dabi the benefit of the doubt that maybe he allow this because he thought he had high possibility of avoiding the worst outcome: Twice’s death

But then that would mean Dabi was willing to risk Twice’s life in luring Hawks which is what I think he did. 

But did he really?

(I’ll be using the official viz’s translation for these lines quotes but the japanese raws to show there’s no differentiation between word usage in the images itself.)

Chapter 265 Dabi: Looks like sentiment tripped you up after all, hero! Hawks: I could never allow mere sentiment to trip me up.

We know that when Dabi finally reached Twice’s location that he did not immediately come to his rescue. He waited for an opening and him throwing Hawks’s words back at him then always seem like an indication of his arrival time.

However in the following chapter, 266: Happy Life, Dabi retorts one of Hawks’ line again. It’s easy to miss since it’s only one word this time and not a whole sentence. I didn’t catch it until several rereads later.

Dabi: He was just 'unlucky,' huh? Maybe by your screwed-up standards

Hawks: You've just been unlucky, but you can make a fresh start once you pay for your crimes.

We can see that Dabi is quoting a phrase in his thoughts. He is not saying this. And ordinarily this would be fine except when Hawks said this line to Twice, Dabi was nowhere near to hear this. We see at the end of chapter 264 that Dabi is still running up the stairs...

Unless Hawks was yelling this line which I doubt. Or the time passage between these two panels are different somehow, again: press doubt, Dabi should have not been able to hear this line but he did. How? Either this is an overlook on Horikoshi’s part or Dabi somehow had bugged the room. Pretty wild of a guess especially when Hawks would have taken out any cameras I think...but if Dabi had been overhearing their conversation this whole time then it make sense why he had certain trail of thought passed his mind in this panel.

Panel Above Dabi: Twice. This isn't your fault. As always... scummy heroes are to blame.

Twice was despairing in this chapter blaming himself for once again falling for a trap. I always thought it was very nakama-like that Dabi could SOMEHOW sense Twice’s plead and reply to his soul. “This isn’t your fault” is the closest to an apologize from Dabi, because really isn’t his fault. It’s Dabi’s. And god if he had been listening this whole damn time no wonder he thought this when he did. Of course he could’ve also just heard Twice’s agony scream (sfx seen on the top)...

I could go on longer about how Dabi faked shock on Hawks escaping his hold, how his little show of comradery with Twice in combating Hawks was an act in itself. And his reaction toward Twice’s death, the word choice usages, the tone of it all was quite theatrical. Good show, Dabi!! 

It had to have been if it was being recorded. Gotta play the good ally, right?

I always did wonder why there was such a focus on his hand on these panels in the infamous black speech bubble chapter. It’s not like the other panels where the focus is there because of his burns. He had something in his grasp to hide.

Chapter 291 Spoiler:

It was one of Skeptic’s cameras. 

That makes me wonder something though. Was this when he cut off the film? And if so, why? If he knew Skeptic was gonna see it and the world why end the recording there after torturing Hawks? Y’know aside from obviously saying he doesn’t care about the league, etc.

Are we really so sure that this bubble had his name? Or could there be something else? There’s a good chance this censor wasn't just a tease but indication of when the camera stop for a moment.

I gotta say if Dabi’s pre recording still going on then I fear for his next card drawn. What are the chances he recorded some students on the battlefield as well? Students who shouldn’t be there in the first place whose parents have no clue their child/ren are a participant of war. As far as they know they’re suppose to be on a field trip for their work study program. Oh man are hero society gonna have a field day if that’s reveal~

One thing for sure though. Twice was bait. Whether it went according to Dabi’s original plan can be up for debate(as in his death being the goal...since 291 SPOILER: Dabi’s pre-recording voice only mention Hawks killing Jeanist, not Twice) but Dabi was satisfied with the end result either way. R.I.P. TWICE You were such a swell guy but too easy to use. It happens. You had a good life.

[stopforamoment]

Part Eight: The Broken Promise  (Series 8, Part 8 of 8) TRIGGERS

Series Eight: Good Guys Do Exist (Eight Parts)

Part Eight: The Broken Promise  (Series 8, Part 8 of 8)

***TRIGGERS for violent content, graphic description of a school shooting and violent death******

Masterlist

Book: The Royal Romance (After Book Three—or Four?)

Pairing: Bastien Lykel x OFC Rinda Parks

Word Count: 2,398

Rating: R and V for Language, Violent Content, Graphic Reference to Violent Death and School Shooting, Grief after the Death of a Husband

***TRIGGERS for violent content, graphic description of a school shooting and violent death******

Author’s Note: Obligatory disclaimer that Pixelberry Studios owns the TRR characters and my pocketbook with those darn diamond scenes. OFC with all of her quirks is all mine. My apologies if Tumblr or I do something stupid when I try to post this. The keep reading link shows up on my laptop but not my phone. Ugh.

Series Summary: It’s the fourth week of school, going into October, and it’s Bastien’s last week as security officer at the school. He’s just helping Drake with the transition, and then he’s back to the palace as Head of Security for the Royal Guard. This series starts to transition Drake into the school and sets him up as a “good guy,” (our marshmallow!) just like Bastien.

Summary: In part eight Rinda reveals that she was actually in the school the day of the school shooting, when Jameson died.

***TRIGGERS for violent content, graphic description of a school shooting and violent death******

@asherella-is-a-dork-3  @liam-rhys

Thursday Night, Week Four

“Tria, Henry was talking about some things tonight, and I have to ask you a question. But you don’t have to answer me.”

Rinda paled. What? What did Henry say? ���Ask me what, Tiger?”

“Were you in the school building when Jameson died?”

Rinda froze. She didn’t know if she was relieved to finally get it out in the open or horrified that she had to answer. Once she said “yes,” there was no going back. It was one more way people would pity her. Another way she was weak, a widow who was a victim of circumstances and a still an overall mess who couldn’t move on. But now Bastien was here, looking at her with those grey eyes that could read her soul. Yes, she could tell him.

“Bastien, that’s the part where my brain is broken. I think I remember something and then I push it down. But it comes back up. And every time it comes back up, I remember something else. I truly don’t know what actually happened or what’s from my nightmares. Or what real memories came out through nightmares. I had a lot of nightmares the first year, and I still get them once in awhile. There really is a lot that is blurry for me because those nightmares were so real.”

She took a deep breath. “Laura and Drake are the only ones in Cordonia that I told. Please, be honest. What do you already know from them or from my file? I’m not upset. I just need to know how much detail I have to go into. I also asked that the end of Jameson’s body cam footage be deleted. Not the things that can be used to train other officers. I’m fine with that being used so we can learn from it and keep more people safe. But not the footage after Jameson was dead. Anything with me and Cassie. I never wanted anyone to ever see that again.”

The file. That damn fucking file. It won’t ever go away, will it? “Tria, I never saw any footage besides what was shown that day in the gym. I promise that there isn’t anything else. And your file. Sweetheart, I never even finished reading it. I started to. But when I read that you and Jameson had a son, that you have Henry, that’s when I left to get a drink. That’s when I saw you in the music room and invited you to go with me. I haven’t looked at your file since then, except when you asked me to find information about . . .” He trailed off, but Rinda nodded. He was talking about when Rinda asked him to find information about the night she was assaulted.

“Bastien, this is what I remember, but it might be completely wrong. I don’t trust anything of my memory that day. Only the feelings, and I’m not ready to share them. I started to with Laura because I needed advice on how to ask questions during training, so we could discuss scenarios that are just too horrible for a person without those experiences to come up with on their own. I told Drake because I needed to know how to help Henry. But I didn’t share everything. I don’t know if I ever can, okay? And I never told you because I honestly thought you already knew, and I just didn’t want to go there. You’ve helped me with so much other stuff and I have to do this in layers. Reveal things about myself, I mean. If that makes any sense at all.”

. . . . .

Rinda was a parent volunteer and she was there when it happened, but Henry wasn’t in the classroom. He was in an accelerated math class and in a different room, in a different part of the school. If the shooting had happened ten minutes later he would have been transitioning back to his classroom. He would have been in the hallway. A lot of other students would have been transitioning to their next activity. But they weren’t. The shooting started ten minutes earlier, and Rinda thanked God for that every day.

Rinda was in Henry’s regular classroom helping students during a writing workshop. They were lucky. They were in a ground-level classroom, away from the main doors, so the teacher was able to get everyone she was responsible for at that moment out of the building safely. Everyone except one child who was unaccounted for. Cassie. She left to deliver something to the front office. The front office was by the front doors and the teacher was the one who chose Cassie. Who sent Cassie. Who unintentionally put Cassie right in the shooter’s path. And Rinda could see the teacher wasn’t able to lock the door—lock Cassie out—even though it was necessary to protect the other children.

So Rinda made the choice. She stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind her, locking the rest of them in safely. She wasn’t going to force the teacher to make that choice. And besides, now she was on the same side of the locked door as Henry. She had to find him, even if she died trying.

Then the realization dawned on her, once the door was closed and she heard the lock click. When it was too late to change her mind. If she yelled to Henry she would only put him in further danger. And his classroom door should be locked and they wouldn’t open the door for her. She made a stupid choice, but at least she could find Cassie. And besides, everything happens for a reason.

Then Rinda got the feeling. Jameson was her world. She knew when he was about to get called into work. She knew when he was near. And she knew when he was in danger.

She knew he was in the building. She just knew. And she knew he was in pain, knowing she and Henry were in the building. They were all in that damn building. So close but so far away from each other. So she prayed. That he wouldn’t be distracted. That he would be able to focus. That he’d be safe. That they’d all come home that night. They’d let Henry sleep in their bed that night. They’d all be together at the end of the day.

But then the gunfire stopped and she knew. She felt it. That sudden feeling of emptiness. And she ran to find him. To be with him. That’s when she saw Cassie. It wasn’t the other officers who found Cassie first when they cleared the building. It was Rinda. She found Cassie curled up by Jameson, covered in his blood, begging him to wake up.

They were a team. They were always a team. Even as he died, he was helping her keep Henry safe. And he kept Cassie safe.

When the building was finally secure the police saw Cassie sobbing on Jameson, begging him to wake up. And they saw Rinda, holding Jameson and talking to him, begging him to hang on. To please come back to her. To stay with her.

Jameson was wearing a ballistics vest and the fatal shot wasn’t a chest wound. It was higher. And Rinda was trying to hold his head in her lap, trying to stroke his hair. But he was shot above his vest. And whatever hadn’t broke in Rinda before that moment absolutely shattered when they tried to remove her from Jameson—what happened when they pulled her from his body because she refused to let him go. That was one of the things that broke Rinda so hard that she’d never be okay again. The thing that had to be deleted from the body cam. Cassie was already removed from the building, but the other officers came running when they heard Rinda’s hysterical screams and they immediately sent one of the officers to take Henry to his house and wait with him. They knew Henry shouldn’t see his mother like that, no matter how desperately Henry needed to be with her. And that was the second thing that broke her. She couldn’t be there for Henry that evening, when he needed her the most. That was the other thing she would never forget and she would never forgive herself.

. . . . .

That was the part of her feelings that she shared with Drake. That she was sharing with Bastien now. As Rinda continued to process everything in the days ahead, immediately after the shooting, she was left with the horrible guilt that she failed Henry. Physically, Henry was fine. The class he was in wasn’t able to escape the building, but they were barricaded in and everyone was safe. But when Henry was reunited with his class, his mom wasn’t there and he was frantic with worry. She was still in the building, unwilling to let Jameson go. A police officer had to tell Henry that his mom was safe. His dad? Well, they were going to bring his mom out when she was ready, and he just had to wait with the rest of his class. And an hour after the building was cleared, when the rest of his class had been picked up, one of the police officer’s wives, one of Rinda’s best friends, came to get Henry and take him home and stay with him. Rinda was still inside, in shock, holding what was left of Jameson, refusing to let it go.

Rinda wasn’t there when Henry needed her the most, and she would never do that to him again. In Rinda’s mind she put her husband before her son. She put the man she loved before her own son. Their own son. It was always their agreement. Henry had to survive no matter what, and they were both willing to give their lives so he would be safe. They agreed that they would leave the other person behind, to make that sacrifice if that meant saving Henry. They both promised, but she broke that promise. And she would never do that again. Henry and his healing process were now her top priority. That’s why it was his choice if they stayed in Cordonia or went back home.

And if she would ever date again? If. It wouldn’t be until she was absolutely sure Henry was also ready for her to date again. And he would have to like the man she dated. That man would never replace Jameson as Henry’s dad, but Henry would have to accept him as the man who would be a new part of their life. The man who would replace Jameson as her best friend. Lover. Husband. And it hurt her to even think like that. Replace. No one could, would, ever replace Jameson. He’d have to share a place in her heart with Jameson and Henry, but Rinda had no clue how that would even work. So she was just . . . stuck. In limbo. Not sure if she was staying in Cordonia or going home. Not sure if she should ever try dating and then introduce him to Henry, but then if Henry didn’t like him . . . And her ring. That fucking stone that kept weighing her down. Rinda wasn’t sure if her life right now was a jigsaw puzzle. Once you got the frame put together, it was easy to fill in the rest. Or was it like a row of dominoes? She was trying to set things up, but life always happened to her, no matter how much she planned, and then everything would just come crashing down around her and she would be helpless to stop it once the momentum got going. Again.

. . . . .

Bastien refused to leave Rinda alone that night. He would do whatever Rinda wanted—sleep on the couch. Sleep on the floor so she could stay on the couch. Whatever she needed. Rinda wanted to sit on the couch with him and say nothing, but she wanted him to stroke her hair and hum to her. Maybe even whistle, because he was such a good whistler. But he could leave whenever he needed to. She had her alarm set and she would just sleep on the couch that night. She couldn’t move even if she wanted to. So Bastien went into her room and brought out pillows and blankets to get her snuggled in on the couch. But when she fell asleep, stretched out on the couch with her head in his lap, Bastien didn’t want to leave. Instead he stayed with her the entire night, ignoring the crink in his neck, his focus on keeping her comfortable, watching her sleep, and trying not to look at the picture of Rinda’s family that was on the shelf. He was trying not to think about how happy they must have been, and how no one would ever replace Jameson. And how she was the bravest person he ever met. It was a miracle she wasn’t completely broken, and it would be a miracle if she could ever fully move on.

. . . . .

Several times Mr. Ariti reminded Bastien to be patient. He had talked to Bastien again that night, after watching everyone play football. Mr. Ariti reminded Bastien that Henry really liked him—Henry even told Mr. Ariti that several times. And Mr. Ariti saw how Rinda looked at him. She just needed more time to make sure Henry was okay with staying in Cordonia for the rest of the school year, and make sure they were both ready for the next step. But it would be one step forward and two steps back throughout her healing process. If Bastien was serious, he had to be patient. Otherwise he needed to cut ties with Rinda and Henry now that he was done at the school.

And if Bastien did anything to hurt Rinda or Henry, Mr. Ariti didn’t care if Bastien was the Head of Security for the Royal Guard. Rinda was like a daughter to him, and no one would hurt her under his watch. Bastien nodded solemnly, knowing Mr. Ariti would make good on that threat.

. . . . .

Bastien did eventually fall asleep that night, and his arm was wrapped protectively around Rinda.

[oppatxtme]

Christian Yu: Red String

x Christian Yu x

Note: Read at Your Own Risk ~~ (ง⌐□ل͜□)ง Type: One Shot Word Count: 2,621 [ masterlist ] A/N: Just wanna say hope y’all like it and advance sorry ^_^

 "I love you, Y/N," Christian said all of a sudden while the two of you all cuddle up on his bed and currently watching Grey's Anatomy.

  ��"Did you say something?" you heard him the first time, but you want to hear him say it again.

  He took the remote in your hand and press the pause button. He moved a bit to adjust himself to take a better look at your face.

 "I love you, Y/N." he said, you see no hesitation but the only pure passion in his eyes on that very moment.

  You smile as you lean on his chest while still looking at him.

  "Did you ate something? Why you're extra cheesy today Christian? Don't tell me you did something, what is it?"

  "Nothing Babe, why? Is it wrong for me to say that I love you?" he said in a very bedroom voice he can make. And that made your body feel weird.

  "Well, I love you too Babe-- so much." you said.

  He holds both of your hands, he's caressing the back of your palm with his thumb. The both of you stayed like that for a moment.

  "You know what," you broke the silence between the two of you, he looked at you still caressing your hands with his. "sometimes, I always thought that we don't deserve each other." you saw how his face turns all worried.

  "Why so?" he said while he holds firm in your both hands. "Did I did something that you don't like? Or do you want me to do something that I didn't? All you have to do is tell me whatever it is Love."

  "No, that's not what I meant." you smiled at him to make assure him that there's nothing wrong with him. "What I'm trying to say is, I am the one who's not deserving to have someone like you."

  He looked at you all confused, and you always find that cute about him. Well, it's not every day you see Christian looks clueless since he almost knew everything.

  "Because" you continued since he really looks like he doesn't get what you mean. "You're Christian Yu. You're this really amazing, hard-working, good at everything you do and of course, let us not forget your -- eheeem" you took your hands from his to form a square shape at your face shape to emphasize what you mean and that made him smile. "So, if you asked me, you deserve someone... better than me."

  Again he took your hands.

  "You Y/N, my love. You're also amazing in everything you do. You're that person who makes others -- you're loved ones -- as your number one priority. You always put them first before you. You love everything you do, that is why you deserve nothing but the best the world can offer. And I am who I am now all because of you. Now that you have me, well, I guess that made me the luckiest man alive." he smirked.

  You smiled. You can tell how that made your face all red.

  "I know for a fact that there are so many gorgeous women out there in this city," he said again.

  That made your smile drop and your eyebrow went up.

  "Well, that's really an amazing observation you have there Mr. Yu," you said full of sarcasm.

  "But the thing is this," he said while he put some of your hair behind your ear. "after a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh." he wiggles his eyebrows at you.

  That got you - really hard. So you just pinch his nose so he can stop looking at you like that. Because one more second and you're about to melt.

  He laughs and hugs you tight. You stayed like that for a while until Lori came biting the hem of your shirt.

  The relationship you and Christian have been known and acknowledge by others. At first, yes it was hard. Every time he'll post a picture of the both of you on his Instagram or Twitter account, mixed comments are there. But after awhile, you learn from Christian how not to care at the bad comments and focus on the good ones.

  You love him and he loves you, that's what important.

  Some still question the relationship the both of you have. Some will even say that it won't last long. But as far as you remember, you're in a relationship with him nearly for four years now. If that doesn't count long, then you don't know what is anymore.

  Next Monday will be the fourth year anniversary of you and Christian. You told Christian that you don't want any extravagant celebration that day.

  You already request a leave on that day from work, you just want to stay in, either in his place or yours. Since he informs you a month before that he'll be going home to Australia before the usual five days before Christmas.

  It's because one of his cousins will get married and he's the one in charge of all the visuals of the whole wedding. So, he'll be staying there for less than a month or so. He even asked you to go with him, but the both of you knew that was not possible.

   It was a Saturday early morning when the ring of your phone woke you up. You swipe your screen without opening your eyes since you knew by the ringtone alone that Christian sets for his number.

  "Uhmmm," you said still half asleep.

  "Morning Love!" he said all cheerful.

  "M--ning."

  You heard him laugh.

  "Wake up. I'm here outside of your building. Can you buzz me in? It's quite freezing here." he said.

  "What?!" you're eyes shots open when you understand him. "Wait, I'll buzz you in. Wait. Don't press that doorbell and Hoody might kill us both." you shared the apartment with her and you remember that Hoody reminds you that she's out with a gig last night and she doesn't want to be disturbed on her sleep for she went home late.

  You just grab your glasses on your side table and hurry to get out from your room to not let Christian wait long.

  As you opened the door, you are taken aback when a note falls hanging in front of you.

  *You have a smile that can put any rainy day shines.* as you read what's written on the note. The handwriting was definitely Christian’s.

  When you tried to pull the string where the note is hanging - a balloon follows.

  'Oh my...' you said when you realize there are a lot more balloons with notes attached to the end of each string.

  You tried to read another;

  *You have the most attractive eyes everytime you look at me.*

  *There's no bad photo every time I took a shot of you with my cam.*

  *You're the most honest person I know.*

  *Lori loves you more than me.*

  *My Mom adores you.*

  There's a lot more for you to read. But you knew nothing and what's that for. So you continue walking towards the main door since Christian said he was still outside.

  You're about to walk past thru the living room when you get a glimpse of someone standing there. That made you stop, walked backward and checked who it was.

  "Yaaah! What's this?" the first thing you said to Christian whose still all smile while holding a bouquet of your favorite dark red flowers - carnations.

  "Flowers?" he chuckled and you looked at him all serious. "Here." as he gave you the flowers. "A flower for my only goddess."

  You went silent as you accept the flower. You told him the reason behind why that's your favorite flower and since then, that's the only flower he gave you every chance he has.

  "But seriously Christian, what's all this for?"

  "Happy Anniversary Love!" he said then pulled you into an embrace.

  "Our anniversary is still on Monday. Or did you forget that?" you raised an eyebrow at him.

  You saw guilt and sadness on his face after what you said.

  "So you really forget huh?"

  "Of course not..." he shakes his head. "It's just that I'm not here by then, so..." he said apologetically.

  "Huh? Why -- what do you mean?"

  "I just received a call from Mom last night. She said that the wedding is being pushed early than as planned. It was because of the condition of my cousin soon to be mother-in-law is getting worst. So I need to be there by Monday." he explained.

  You can feel that he doesn't want to leave but he has no choice, he has to and you understand that.

  You smiled at him and put your free arm around his.

  "It's okay. There'll be more next time to come for us to celebrate so don't worry about it." he returns your smile. "But I remembered that I told you no surprises."

  "You said you don't want to be surprised on Monday, today is Saturday so..." he winked at you and you can't help but just laugh at his childish ways.

  You knew deep inside you that you're more than happy with what he did. The both of you spend that day together, and you know you won't trade it for the world.

    Sometimes, it is true that the more you enjoy the time, the more it runs fast. And by that, you are now standing at the airport in the departure area. You watched how Christian takes out his luggage from the back of your car.

  You have this itchy feeling that you want him to stay at least one more day, well, tomorrow is your fourth anniversary. But you kept it inside you since if you tell him to, he might do what you say for he knew how important tomorrow is for the both of you.

  You shrugged and keep that itchy feeling behind you as Christian faced you before he enters the airport.

  "So..." he said as he gave you that smile of his. "I'll miss you Love." he pulled you closer for an embrace - a tight one.

  "Aigooo ~" you chuckled a little. "Stop it, you're acting as if we'll not gonna see each other after two weeks." you slap his back while you're still in his embrace.

  "I love you, Y/N," he whispered it so softly in your ears.

  "I love you too, Christian," a tear escape your eyes when you closed them. "Advance happy anniversary." this will really be the first anniversary that the two of you can't spend it together, he can't even call you on the stroke of midnight like he always does for he'll be on the plane.

  He loosen his embrace to looked at you , he didn't response as he carefully looked at your face, as if he's memorizing every bit of detail on it. Then he smiled and leaned closer to kiss you.

  Your drive home was really hard, there's always a time that you need to pull over somewhere to sobs your tears. But still, you manage to crawl into your bed and sleep.

  You plan to sleep all day since you're on leave from work. You'll just wait for Christian's call once he arrived in Australia.

  You where awaken from continues knocks on your door. You looked at the clock on your side table. It's almost twelve noon, you grab your phone and check on any notification from Christian on your way to the door.

  Hoody came in when you open your room. She has that scared face on her, she walked past you when you're about to asked what's wrong.

  You looked at her as she roams your room as if she's looking for something, then she came close to your side table while the remote from your TV on her hand.

  "What's wrong babe?" you manage to ask as she signals you to come near her. You felt weird about how she's acting.

  She kept quiet till you're in front of her then she guides you to sit down on the edge of your bed facing the TV. You can see some trace of tears on her face. She then opens the TV and change to some news channel.

  "I'm so sorry Y/N," she said all of a sudden and that made you wonder what for.

  As you looked at her, she cried when she saw something on TV. So you looked at whats on. There, you saw a flash news.

  **----AIRLINE TRAVELING TO SYDNEY FROM SEOUL CRASHED IN THE COASTAL SEA - COASTGUARD STILL LOOKING FOR ANY SURVIVOR.**

  After hearing what the news anchor said, you can't hear anything else but static. Your whole body went numb. You can't even notice the flow of tears coming from your now blurry eyes.

  "No... Christian..." you keep shaking your head as Hoody kept hold of you because she can see that you're about to become hysterical. "NO! THIS IS NOT TRUE!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME CHRISTIAN YU!" you screamed your lungs out, but still you can't hear anything but static and your body was so heavy that the last thing you remember was darkness.

    "Many here might know him as Rome, Ian, Christian and Barom by his family - but I called him MINE. And he is and always will be the greatest love of my life. I love him to the point that no words can fully express and define my love for him," you looked at the people who attend Christian's funeral as you deliver the eulogy.

  "I won't tell you how we met or how our love story began because I assure you all that it will take a lifetime for me to even explain how is Christian is my true love. Christian and I never discuss our future, like wedding and making our own family stuff. Because even if we don't talk about it, we both know that we’re heading that way.

  I remember how he explained me the legend behind the red string of faith and how sure he was that we're the one for each other. Even back then I believe him, and now, I still do, I still feel the string we have that can never be broken even by death.

  Because I know, someday Christian and I will meet again. Someday we will hold hands again. Someday, we will live till we get old as we watch our grandchildren play." you stopped when continues of teardrops wet the paper you're holding, it was a blank paper but still you hold it as if you're reading your speech there, but everything you've said is what you really feel.

  You took your handy from your pocket and wipe your tears. You manage to get a glimpse of Christian's parents and yours who is seated in the same row. Like you, they can't stop crying.

  To be honest, you want to end your speech there because all you really want to do was sit in the corner and cry as well. But there's something inside you that made you open your mouth to talk.

  "I won't cry anymore," you said with a defined tone that made everyone stop and look at you. "I won't -- for I know, if not today, but surely someday, even if it will take a lifetime, still I'll use my other lifetime, I know I can prove to all of you here that Christian and I are meant for each other. That's just how the red string works." then you walked back and bowed. "So please continue to watch over us."

[ masterlist ]

[lilanbex]

Evolution of Disney Channel: Andi Mack Part 1

Why exactly is Andi Mack something completely new for this channel?

I’ve been thinking about writing this for awhile and held off on it because I wanted the first season to finish first, but I’m going to separate it into parts and start off with production and get deeper into storyline/plot elements in a later post when I get the chance to look back at the season as a whole.

I’m planning to take a look back at older Disney Channel shows, but realistically if I make any comparisons I’m going to look mainly at shows coming after 2010 and probably Lizzie McGuire. 

It’s a long post so get ready but TL;DR this show uses the best of Disney’s production techniques and then keeps pushing the boundaries by taking risks that are paying off. 

Single-Camera

Disney Channel’s first original series Flash Forward (1995-1997) was interestingly geared towards preteens/teens and was produced as a single-camera show in Canada. It really wasn’t until the early 2000s that the multi-cam sitcom with a laugh track most of us are used to became popular on DC starting with That’s So Raven (2003-2007). But after that, there was a huge shift into the multi-cam format with Suite Life/Hannah Montana/WOWP taking over, getting a ton of recognition, and with people referring back to that era as “Old Disney”/”When Disney was good” now. With multi-cams on the rise, single-cam shows became much less popular– until JONAS/JONAS LA (2009-2010), the last single-cam was Phil of the Future (2004-2006). After JONAS, there was nearly a seven year gap until Stuck in the Middle (2016-) and right now SITM is the only other single-cam airing alongside Andi Mack. Why is this a trend on the channel? Multi-cam shows are easier to produce, less expensive to make, and you can make more episodes faster, but it usually also means filming in front of an audience/including a laugh track. Since the multi-cam shows of the mid 2000s did so amazingly well and cable programming was at its peak, it’s not a surprise that DC continued to use it, but I’d argue that there was a significant decrease in quality in DC multi-cams 2010 onwards especially after Good Luck Charlie (2010-2014) finished. DC has avoided going into single-cam these past few years so the only similar kids shows with the same emotional intelligence I can compare this format to are from Amazon like Gortimer Gibbon’s Life on Normal Street (2014-2016). I’m not going to get into the logistics but here’s more information about the single-cam vs. multi-cam debate. 

For Andi Mack, I think the single-cam format has helped to make it more realistic and elevates the overall quality for cinematography. In terms of the storyline, I really think format particularly works well because the show isn’t just a comedy but really finds a good balance with the drama, which works much better with single-cam. I mean, I don’t think Bex’s reveal in the pilot could’ve worked any other way. 

This single-cam format extends to where the show shoots, which brings me to:

Filming On-Location

The first season of Andi Mack was shot in Salt Lake City and this article sums up a bit about how that affects the look of the series. Correct me if I’m wrong, but other than international series/DCOMs/special episodes, this is really the first modern Disney Channel original series shot entirely outside of studios in California. Even the other single-cams JONAS and SITM, are filmed in studios around Hollywood. The shots we get of the characters walking down the hallway feel real because they were shot at a real middle school. The extras in the background? Real middle school kids from the town. The salon for the Fringe that Bex works at is a real salon that they used. With filming on location, we get a much richer look into Andi’s world that isn’t limited to a traditional set that a Disney Channel living room usually looks like. Using actual places helps capture movement and we get to see Andi live her life rather than be told she does certain activities because we see her and Jonah at Ultimate practice, Buffy running a race, Bex at work, and conversations between the Good Hair Crew in a booth at the Spoon.

Another plus? Andi Mack filmed outside of LA makes this show feel more special because the cast and crew can actually go and focus on making the show for a few months. I’m really glad they were able to just go do their thing and spend time with each other working on this project. (But I can’t attest to this so maybe ask @persongoingfast). With a multi-cam that shoots in front of a live audience, spoilers are bound to come out months ahead of time and for Andi Mack, the plot twists are integral to the show. The fandom cultivated out of interactions at live tapings can also get downright vicious, which is why filming in SLC has probably helped Andi Mack remain relatively peaceful and friendly. Just refer back to Girl Meets World (2014-2017)’s twitter fandom even a year ago. IMO, it’s healthier for a young cast to focus on filming rather than how each interaction with a fan at a live taping can be misconstrued and then made viral over Twitter and Instagram. Even if it means that Andi Mack is less known and has a quieter fandom, it feel much more like the show can stand as its own piece of work rather than become about the actors as celebrity figures, but we’ll see how this looks like in the coming seasons.

Women Leading this Show!

Terri Minsky and Michelle Manning are the EPs at the helm of the show and aside from SITM, modern Disney Channel shows just don’t have women occupying these positions and that’s really unfortunate when it comes to creating programming geared towards girls that are focused on coming-of-age stories. Frankly, I think this is something where GMW struggled with at times to capture a girl’s perspective that wasn’t too heavy handed with morality. 

Seven of the nine Andi Mack episodes that have aired have been written by women. Do they need more women of color on staff? Yes. Do they need more women (of color) directors? Yes. Andi Mack is still very early on in its series trajectory so hopefully the show can also push for more diverse creators in seasons to come. Feel free to disagree with me on this but I think a creative’s identity plays a huge role into how they go forward with all aspects of a project so women being at the forefront of a show about mother/daughter relationships is really important. 

Serialization 

Last, I want to talk about the structure of “last time/next time on Andi Mack” and how serialization makes this show a first for DC. Disney Channel sitcoms usually air out of order. Even Lizzie McGuire (2001-2004) did and it tried to follow Lizzie growing up. It didn’t matter as much for nonserialized shows for the most part because each episode can usually stand on its own with individual slice of life stories. Other than the awkwardness of an actor being taller/voice dropping in an earlier episode than the next, it doesn’t drastically change the story. Most coming-of-age/family oriented shows on the channel follow a general school year structure, but otherwise you didn’t need to know what happened in the previous episode to make sense of a different one. Sure, this makes it easier for DC to put episodes on repeat throughout the day, but doesn’t have the same payoff of following through with something serialized, which is now more popular with Netlfix and binge watching. 

Andi Mack requires the audience then to follow along with the series to get the satisfaction of knowing where the story’s going because you’re not going to get it at the end of every episode. With only 13 half hour episodes in the season, serialization is necessary for this show to even create a viable storyline in the first place. Particularly for a series aimed at kids/teens, I think it’s smart to show that issues aren’t always solved at the end of 22 minutes and that’s okay. Also in heightening the stakes at the end of each episode, it shows that younger kids don’t necessarily have to resort to watching more adult shows outside of their demo to get more exciting drama in their programming, but that DC can be a bit edgier and still be age-appropriate.  

That’s it for part 1 but I’m quickly realizing I have so much more I want to look into the show beyond the story itself like costume choices, Mack Chat, and the parallels to the Lizzie/Miranda/Gordo dynamic in comparison to other DC friendships over the years but that’ll have to wait!